#best way to learn a language: study? NO. READ FANFICTION INSTEAD

[feelingthedisaster]

that awkard moment in which my teacher says "your english is so good and you have a really wide vocabulary" and i have to pretend it isnt because of fanfiction

[ryozakidesu]

Yours, Inevitably - l.jn

2/4 diary of the heartbreakers

summary: ➸ ♡ To say that Lee Jeno is pretty would be an understatement. The man's gorgeous. One thing he uses to his advantage, going through college getting girls he spots his eyes on. But there's one he just couldn't get. His brother's bestfriend. You can continue and avoid your feelings for each other, but eventually, it'll happen. You were someone that stayed, a constant in his life. You might not know it, but for the years you've known Lee Jeno, he slowly became yours, inevitably.

"I should've known it was you, because no one else made sense."

GENRE: Angst, Fluff, Humour, Smut

WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Explicit Sexual Content, Language, Slight Alcoholism, Mentions of Drugs/Weed, fuckboy!Jeno, brothersbsf!reader AUTHOR's NOTE: Holy shit, it's done! I was about to pull all my hairs off for this one :// but i can finally say that it's all worth it! I hope y'all are still here. And I really wish y'all would like this story. Enjoy reading!

WC: 18 k (I tried my best)

DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.

Enjoy reading! -ryo

Lee Jeno is a phenomenon.

Jeno, on the other hand, likes to think he’s just a pretty boy who kinda knows how to dribble.

Maybe he’s not bad in the actual learning part too, maybe he did get an award for the research paper he did on Biochemistry last year. Maybe he won MVP on three consecutive basketball tournaments, making history in his school as the only player to excel in both the sports and academics.

So yeah. He’s a textbook definition of an A-list student that you would totally see in one of the frames along the halls of this very school in about thirty years, with the trophies and accolades he made during his time here.

You wanna hear what’s even more annoying?

He’s hot. And he knows it. Please, he’s so undeniably gorgeous it's starting to hurt.

Unlike his friends, Jeno keeps it on the down-low. Which was surprising because he had every right to be cocky and brag about all of his achievements but he’s the least show-y among his friends.

In Jeno’s defense, he likes to let his performance do all the talking.

Words on the street says he fucks like an incubus, but talks like an angel. He’s proven to be hung, emphasizing the word proven, based on the girls he had walking side to side after he spent a good, long night with them.

But despite all of that, he’s pretty cool and quiet most of the time.

Which is even more attractive. According to a study based on no-actual-facts, girls tend to like the quiet ones more. Especially when they look like a greek god that managed to escape mythology and then learned to be a legend in basketball instead. In simplified terms, girls like Lee Jeno.

Naturally, of course, girls are all over him. That's something really common between the four of his friends, and you're not shocked that Jeno sleeps around-- because he just can. Girls will literally faint in front of him if they could, just to get his attention.

“Don’t make a sound,” he whispered, desperately trying to finish while a girl, known as Jennie, was bent over the counter. His hands covered her mouth, and to be frank, he just want this to be over with.

And of course, in typical fashion, Jennie is also a name most of the students are familiar with. Cheerleading captain, arguably a girl that’s expected to be with him. What makes it so easy, is that this girl is obsessed with Jeno.

Meanwhile Jeno, had no indication of being tied down. He likes hanging out with her sometimes, sure, but the girl’s way too much for him. Jeno likes being lowkey, despite being one of the most famous guy in campus, Jeno preferred to be outside the spotlight.

A couple more thrust, his eyes closed, mind far from the girl bent over in front of him who’s just desperately wanting to pleasure him, Jeno finishes. He murmured a curse, and as soon as the feeling of cumming washes off, guilt starts creeping in his veins as Jennie smiled in satisfaction as she fixes her uniform.

“God, you’re still so fucking good,” Jennie put her hands around Jeno’s neck, biting her lips in hopes to seduce the cold man in front of her.

“Come on, my brother’s gonna be here soon,” Jeno shrugged her hands off, fixing his shirt. He did not even get the chance to take it off, Jennie just went and got what she wanted as soon as she enters the apartment.

Don’t be mistaken tho, Jeno liked having sex, more so with a girl like Jennie. But Jeno’s consciousness can’t help and tell him that he’s stringing along this girl, knowing full well he’s not even one bit interested in pursuing a relationship with her.

Jennie never really cared about what he thinks tho, so that kinds of shaves a bit off of his guilt.

“Call me, okay?” Jennie tried to give him a kiss, but he’s fast enough to dodge it.

Jeno sighed as he walked the girl to the door. And in some wicked timing, his brother opened it, his step stuttering as he saw Jennie, but never minded the fact that the girl is walking side to side. Jisung, his brother, have seen this situation way too much before that it doesn’t shock him anymore.

Another footstep followed behind Jisung, You, not even sparing a glance over him, walking behind his brother. You looked bored, giving absolutely no interest over him or Jennie. He never really got bothered about it before. He’s just wondering when you started ignoring his existence like this.

You were nothing like the girl he witnessed growing up all these years.

The sweet smiles you used to offer him were all gone. The once cute little y/n that he knew were long gone. But what can he do, that’s just how it goes. Right?

People change. And you weren't an exception. But deep inside, Jeno has this unsettling sensation that hunts him at night. This isn’t you. You used to light up the room whenever you walked in. You used to make him believe in butterflies and rainbows and shit, but now, you’re just… there.

Jeno often wonders. But that’s about it. He’s way too much of a pussy to actually read through your chapters that led into this character you have now. So Jeno, the ever so nonchalant, settles in being curious– not concerned in finding answers.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

You were twelve, when you met Jisung.

At first, you’re confused. There’s a new family that moved in next door. It was a common occurrence in your neighborhood, really. In your very-long life experience of twelve years, you’ve seen countless families moving in and out. So you question in your pretty little head why your Mom is way too excited about this next one.

Turns out, the family that will be moving in is your Mom’s best friend. You were twelve, you did not care about your Moms friends like that. Apparently, they’ve been best friends ever since they were five. They just kept in touch all these years.

“I'm Jisung,” the little boy, an inch taller than you, reached out his peculiarly large hands at you.

You felt your Mom nudge you a little bit, so in annoyance, you accepted his hand. “Y/n.”

Both mothers shrieked in excitement, but you were busy trying to examine this boy's hands.

Little did you know, that handshake would lead to years of friendship that you’d forever cherish, no matter how annoying this boy with freakishly large hands is.

“Who’s that?” You ask, still helping Jisung to count all his pokemon cards. You point outside their house, by the courtside next to their pool.

Jisung looks, but rolls his eyes after. “That’s my big brother, Jeno-hyung. He’s obsessed with basketballs.”

Your little twelve year old eyes sparkle, watching the boy shoot hoops around the court.

“Ew, you like boys?!” Jisung, disgusted.

“Your brother isn’t a boy, You’re a boy. He’s a man.” You sigh dreamily in sight of Jeno, making Jisung gag.

“He’s old, like, fourteen. Please, he’s a loser! Playing with balls all day,” Jisung says as he waves his hands in an attempt to distract you from his brother.

“Oh well…” you didn’t let it falter your adoration towards Jeno.

And before you could even watch him longer than you wished, Jisung’s mother called you two in for clubhouse sandwiches, and she made banger sandwiches so you really had to follow up to the kitchen.

You were fourteen, when you realized you had a crush on Jisung’s big brother.

“That’s bullshit, the paranormal movie is full of crap!” Chenle, your new found friend, complains as soon as the movie ends. His high pitched voice woke you up, not even realizing you had slept halfway through the movie.

“Dude, it’s from CCTV footage. It’s definitely true!” Jisung counters, and you just want to go back to sleep again.

The Paranormal Movie was mediocre, and maybe you were just a sceptic, but ghosts just doesn’t do it for you. “Most of these horror films really just depend on jumpscares to be scary.”

“Oh, coming from Miss Little poopy pants over here,”

The room went silence over Jisung’s attempt at a clapback, you and Chenle looking at each other before breaking into a laughing pit.

“Poopy pants? Really?” You say, refusing to believe that Jisung still used that term as an insult.

Jisung, obviously flustered, resorted in grabbing two cushions, one at each hands and started throwing them at the both of you.

“Just get the freaking potato chips downstairs.” Jisung says, specifically to you.

“What? No! I’m not going down there!” You say, as you bury yourself further on Jisung’s bed.

“Because you’re scared?” Chenle, in a mocking tone. You flip him off, to try and cover the fact that you are scared because it’s night time and the lights are off.

“No, ghosts aren’t real. Why can’t Chenle go?” You whine even more.

“He already got the drinks, and this is my house so what I say goes!” Jisung grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the bed.

And because you like proving your point that ghosts aren’t real, you let out a grunt, stomping your way out of Jisung's room.

Your way down the stairs goes smoothly, the light still being on. But as soon as you turn to the dark kitchen, that’s when it creeps in. Yes, you do not believe in ghosts, but you’d be fooling yourself if you say that being alone in the large empty kitchen didn’t scare you.

“Oh, god.” You whisper to yourself, as you desperately find the chips cabinet. Rummaging through as quiet as possible, but also trying to find it as soon as possible.

But when a noise from the table interrupts the creepy silence, you can’t help but yelp out a scream.

“Oh my gosh!”

You turn your head towards the table, just to find a cute little cat that had lost its way through the big surface.

“Thank God it was just a little cat,” you say in relief, but as soon as you try and step closer to it, a name being called from the stairs can be heard.

“Bongsik-ah!”

So it has a name. Bongsik.

A figure walks down the stairs, obviously, being Jeno.

You immediately fold into yourself, biting your lip as soon as he enters the kitchen.

“What are you doing down here?” He says as he carries the cat off the table and on his chest. It took a couple of seconds for him to look at you, and he smiles.

“Y/n-ie. Do you need something from the kitchen?” His soft voice snaps you from the trance, as he helps you with the chips you were trying to get from the upper cabinet. His body was so close to you as he did so, that you swear you can feel his heart beating.

“Y-yeah.. Just those chips. Thanks.” Your entire demeanor changes when it comes to him.

“Here you go,” He says softly, you wonder if he intentionally talks to you like that, or it’s just how he talks. A little bit inside you likes to believe you’re special and that he does this only to you.

“Thanks, uh– new cat?” You say in the most casual tone you could ever produce.

“Yep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,” He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.

You awe in sight, wanting to pet the cat but you hesitated at first.

“You can pet it,” Jeno moves his body to yours, to allow you to pet Bongsik. You did so, and when the cat purrs at your touch, you gasp in awe.

“Hi Bongsik,” you say in a whisper, intended for the cat only. But you can feel Jeno smile at you.

“You can visit her everyday, not that you’re not here everyday, but she’s gonna be here starting now..”

“She’s adorable,” you say, still petting the cat in his arms.

“I love cats, any pet really. But cats just really bring out the inner softness in me, y’know?” Him being this close to you feels weird and intimate, but it's not like you hate it. Your heart is practically doing jumping-jacks right now.

You use him focusing on Bongsik as an excuse to look at him, even just a glance.

You get a closer look on his face, the mole he has under his left eye, the thin lips and his perfect nose. In the two seconds you allow yourself to take a peek, you convince yourself that you had his features memorized now.

You can just feel that it’s just gonna live with you forever.

Because as he takes Bongsik away and starts walking back up the stairs, you make a big-girl realization that you do have a crush on Lee Jeno.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Jeno was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. It was his brother, Jisung, calling in the middle of the night asking for his keys.

“What do you need my car for?” Jeno, frustrated as he grabs his keys from the night stand.

“My car broke down and Y/N really needs to get home.” Jisung on the other line also sounded like he just woke up. Jeno curses under his breath.

This wasn’t the first time he heard his brother in trouble with you being the main source of chaos. It’s always the same thing. Either you’re black-out drunk, or one of your boyfriends has dumped you on the side of the street.

Over the years, you had changed so drastically it almost gave him a whiplash. You used to be so careful and so paranoid about drinking, waiting until you turn 18 to get a sip of alcohol. And when you did, it’s like you never stopped.

So despite Jeno’s interrupted slumber, he gets up and leaves his shared apartment with his friends, just to wait outside his building for his brother. And surely, just like every other time this has happened before, he finds Jisung standing there in the cold.

“I need my car tomorrow, in pristine condition. One scratch and you’re done,” Jeno, tossing the car keys to his brother.

Jisung didn’t bother to answer, depicting the reality of brotherhood. But before Jisung could leave, Jeno turns to him.

“What happened this time?”

“She’s really–”

“Drunk?” Jeno finishes his sentence, as if he had seen this before. Jisung sighs in agreement.

“--yeah, and Chenle’s drunk too so he can’t drive her back to the apartment.”

“What happened to her? She isn’t really like this, at all.” Jeno dared to indulge in one of his curiosities.

“I’ve been asking the same question, hyung.” Jisung ends the conversation without really answering Jeno’s question, which frustrated him more.

Because of course, nobody really knows what happened. It’s a question he needs to ask you, directly. Only if you didn’t spend the last few years avoiding being on the same vicinity as him, then maybe he could actually talk to you.

“Three seconds left on the clock, Lee, for the three.. He shoots… and bang! Lee Jeno has done it again!”

Jeno thinks it’s getting way too easy for him. Winning at this point just felt like a routine for him. The new normal, it’s just how it goes around him now. Everytime the other team makes a mistake of letting him have the ball, the game ends with Jeno taking home the win.

Honestly, it’s getting pretty boring and predictable.

“That’s my fuckin’ man!” Yangyang, one of his teammates, excitedly hugs Jeno as he entered yet again another victory party for his team. It’s his second one this semester.

“Okay, dude, chill.” Jeno pushes the very drunk Yangyang away, afraid of getting thrown up on.

As he sinks his feet deeper into the party, he starts getting loose. The alcohol hitting the tense spot in his body, reminding him that fuck it, he’s the man of the evening. This party is for him. So why not have fun, right?

The music starts to sound less chaotic and more tolerable, and the people start to get blurry. Weed and alcohol really does the trick, Jeno thinks.

“Jeno, the man of the hour! That game was lit!” Jeno’s not sure who’s this man, but nevertheless, he still smiled at him and let him dap him up. He blabbers more and more about Jeno’s career path in professional basketball but just like always, Jeno just dismiss it.

It’s too early to plan for the future. He’s enjoying what he has now and content on just thinking about what happens today.Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem, and he can’t be bothered to be bothered about what his future brings.

Some people likes to think they know what’s best for Jeno, and sometimes it does make sense, Jeno getting to the professional basketball league, in tune to what he does best now. But fuck that. Jeno doesn’t want to be in a box full of other people’s expectation of him.

“Jaemin’s not here?” Jeno finds relief to hear Renjun’s voice, one of his very few trusted people. In some way, knowing Renjun was here by his side, it made him feel that he’s okay.

“Yeah.. he’s still locking himself out.” Jeno answers.

Jaemin was his best friend first, and he knows Jaemin well. And for the first time, he knows Jaemin really do need time for himself. This isn’t something Jeno could fix, he knows when to step away. So he lets Jaemin be.

“Haechan?”

Jeno saw Haechan earlier but he’s not sure where he is now. That’s just how he is. He’s probably in one of the rooms upstairs, on his way to ‘pound town’ in Haechan’s terms.

In typical Jeno fashion, he tolerates some annoying congratulations for a bit, give fake smiles and forced handshakes before finding his way to escape the crowd. Although it’s difficult because again, this party is thrown for him and his team, he still finds a way.

And that way has a name. Yunjin.

“Ah, Jeno,”

At the back of the party, there's a huge backyard, large enough that if he’s with this girl fucking around at the very end of it, he’s sure no one will notice. His hands roam freely against the girl, letting her know his full intention. Not like she has no clue, the hands up her skirt gave her enough hints.

“Hmm,” Jeno hums, just to satisfy the girl’s pleas.

But before it gets further, a rustle of the grass made him stop his tracks.

Someone’s here.

“Wh–what happened,” Yunjin was confused as to why he suddenly stopped.

Jeno furrows his brows, and tries to look at whoever was on the back of the big oak tree.

“Sorry! Sorry– fuck, carry on, please!”

The familiar pitch of voice made Jeno move away from Yunjin. He knows who it is behind the tree. And he suddenly has no interest in going home with Yunjin.

You stumbled out of your hiding with a bottle of alcohol on your right hand, your left trying to pathetically cover your eyes as you tried to walk.

Jeno hates it. He fucking hates how drunk you are right now.

“Oh shit, Jeno!” You peek at the gap in your fingers that was covering your eyes, to see him looking at you with a mix of emotion you can’t make out. He’s not angry, but he’s definitely not amused.

“I–,” you burped, “I’m not here..” you followed with a laugh, finding all these hilarious.

“Don’t mind me!” you laugh again.

Jeno murmured a curse. “Yejin, I’m sorry but I need to go,” he says in finality, not even waiting for the girl to answer as he walks straight in your direction.

“It’s Yunjin! Ugh!” The last words he hears from the girl before she stomps away.

He shakes his head as tried grabbing your arm, to help you at least find a stable balance. He grabs the alcohol out of your grasp harshly.

“Hey, what the fuck!” You whined. You tried to chase the bottle, but with his hold on your arms, you failed to do so.

“Y/n, please, fucking stay still. You’re very drunk!” He says in a strict but stable voice, not wanting to rile you up even more.

“Give me it,” You whined again, much softer this time, and with no attempt at grabbing the bottle.

He looks at your struggling figure, eyes almost closing as you stumble against his hold.

“Ah, fuck it,” he curse one more time before propping you off your feet, carrying you in a bridal style.

“Hey, get me– Oh my gosh! Help!” You yell, but followed with a giggle, which made the people around you think that the situation is not something to be worried about. And they know you and Jeno, so him carrying you just makes sense.

He hates this version of you. He hates how this character you have is so far from what he knew you from. He hates that you find comfort in drinking, partying and sleeping with other men. He hates that whatever happened, it completely changed you. He hates that he cares.

“What the fuck are you staring at?” Jeno can’t help but to lash out at some people who gives him and you a judgemental look. He despises people who judge you.

He finds an empty room upstairs, and he puts you down gently. You dress is up to your waist now, so Jeno pulled it down. He opened his phone to text his brother to let him know you’re with him. He knows Jisung will be worried at your whereabouts. He also texted Chenle, to make sure that they know you’re safe.

He grabs a clean washcloth out the bathroom, and soaks it with cold water.

“I’m not… I am drunk.” You say, swaying your head left to right as you lay in the bed, trying to grab at whatever’s the softest around you.

He sat a foot away from you, but still reached his hands to your face to gently caress you with the soaked towel. This might help sober you up.

Speaking of being sober, Jeno entirely forgets that he’s also intoxicated. For some reason, he sobered up. Seeing you in this state made him think that he needed to straighten up and get you out of here.

“What the fuck are you doing to yourself, y/n..” he says under his breath, as he gently brushes the towel on your face. Seeing you deep in sleep now, he sighed.

You used to be so bubbly. You were sweet as honey, as bright as the sun. He still remembers how your eyes lit up every time you would talk to him. As he looks at you right now, it’s still the same features, the soft ones he grew to know, but he knows that once you wake up, you’d be a stranger again.

He sighed in defeat, and stood up. He was about to get water for you, before the door opened.

“Jeno,” It revealed Qian Kun, a man he heard is your boyfriend. Not sure about the boyfriend part, but he’s sure that he hangs out with you a lot these days.

Kun was his senior, basically the smartest man on this campus. Famous for his 5.0 GPA, this Kun guy really is a genius. He used to get notes from him, back when he was writing for his research paper. He had no idea how you two met, but it’s really not his business.

“She was in the backyard, drunk as fuck.” Jeno says, looking at your peaceful figure.

“Alright. I’ll take it from here,” Kun says, walking past him, around the bed to get to your side.

He can hear Kun murmur a pet name as he caresses your hair. Jeno felt the need to roll his eyes.

“Next time, keep an eye on her. If you can’t handle her, maybe you shouldn’t be with her at all.” Jeno didn’t care if he sounded harsh. He needs to let Kun know that you need to be taken care of properly.

“You don’t know her, Lee. So I suggest, keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.” Kun snapped back, standing up to look back at Jeno.

“Oh, I knew her long before you did. But I agree, she’s your business. I just hate to fucking deal with it because you can’t fucking seem to do it yourself.” With that, Jeno walks out the room.

And even if Jeno sounded secure, he can’t lie and say that leaving you with another man didn’t affect him, even just one bit.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Looks from other people don't budge you at all.

They can stare at you, even whisper some bullshit about you, you really don’t give a shit. There’s nothing they can say that you’ve not said to yourself.

“You really should take it slow with the alcohol, y/n.” The first thing Jisung said as you sat down beside him. You rolled your eyes, and looked at him.

“Not you too,” You say rather exhaustedly.

“Especially me too. I’m your bestfriend and I’m just worried.” Jisung wasn’t the type to give out unsolicited advice, a serious one at that, therefore you sighed.

“It’s college, Jisung. We’re supposed to have fun.”

“Not to a point where other people have to take care of you.” That came out rather harsher than what Jisung had intended, but you really need it. You know it too. You just refuse to believe it.

“You don’t have to take care of me.”

“If not me, then who? You’ve been passed out drunk for the third time this week, y/n. I don’t know what definition of fun you have, but I think it’s not this.” Jisung was scarily serious now. You blink to try and process the seriousness of the situation.

You gulp, realizing that Jisung isn’t in the mood for your snarky comments right now. “Alright, damn. I’ll take it down a notch..” you say and look away from him.

You can’t blame Jisung for acting like this. You know that you’re spiraling down, you just refuse to accept it. In your head, this is just how college life goes. You get drunk, have sex and maybe a little bit of homework here and there. In your head, this is how it should be.

In a fucked up world, it is. But your world is already fucked up. So in a way, it just makes sense. To you.

“You have to get better,” Kun’s words rang in your head.

“This is the best I can, Kun. Chemistry isn’t really my thing,” you turn your homework down at Kun’s table. You were here after class, hoping to get help from Kun.

Despite popular belief, Kun isn’t your boyfriend. You’re too fucked up to commit into a relationship, no matter how good Kun is. Matter of fact, Kun is just the perfect man for that role. You can see yourself going straight with him, like your life might just take a turn for the better.

However, no matter how evil you see yourself as, you’re not that evil to give Kun the burden to have you as a girlfriend. You can’t do that to him.

And you did clarify that to him before sleeping with him. That whatever you have, just had to stay that way. He can’t expect something more. Surprisingly, he agreed. Qian Kun, the guy that has so much credentials because of his undeniable intelligence, the guy who rejected Harvard and Stanford, agreed to have a stupid set-up with a girl that’s one step away from actually losing it. Why?

You have absolutely no idea.

“I’m not talking about your homework, my love.” He says, sighing. You know that sigh very well.

You look at him, your eyes stoic as they can be. “We’re not having this conversation.”

Kun closed his eyes as he let out a deep breath. “You need to have this conversation. Lee Jeno had to carry you upstairs, in front of everyone last night. You were so drunk that you threw up all over yourself and you think that’s okay?”

Oh, so that’s what happened. He had to rescue you. Out of all people, of course it had to be him.

“Look, Kun, I didn’t come here to be judged. I was stupid for drinking that much, I know. But it’s not gonna happen again.” You say matter-of-factly. This is the second time this day that you had to promise to someone that you’ll be drinking responsibly. You feel like everyone is ganging up on you.

“Okay, sweetheart. Okay, calm down.” You didn’t know you were standing up until Kun pulled you from your wrist to sit back down.

Kun smiled at you and kissed your forehead, before sliding your homework back in front of you again and clicking his pen. “Let me see your answers…”

You’re glad he decided to drop the topic, but before you could even say thank you, an aggressive knock on Kun’s office got both of you to look up.

“Y/N! I know you’re in there! Qian, open your fucking door!”

You widen your eyes. “Fuck, it’s Yeonjun!” you say, standing up and grabbing your purse.

Kun looks at you, before looking back at the door. You can tell he had a very concerned face, but as soon as another man’s name fell out of your lips, he knew right away what situation you’re in. He pinched the bridge of his nose due to stress, and stood up.

“What is it this time?” He asks, not that he needed to.

“He’s just… Ugh, I told him we were over!” You say, feeling bad that this situation is happening in front of Kun. The knocks are turning more aggressive.

“Y/N, you slut!” Another loud bang from the door.

“I’ll deal with him.” Kun says. You immediately shake your head in disagreement.

“No! I’ll go. You don’t need to–”

“I’m not letting that man harass you, y/n—”

“No, Kun. I’m not letting you deal with my problems anymore.” Before Kun could even say anything, you opened up the door to see a very angry Yeonjun.

Kun rushed to your side, but you didn’t let him get in contact with Yeonjun and slammed the door shut.

“You’re gonna ghost me and you think that’s funny?” Yeonjun seemed to calm down, seeing you in front of him.

There’s quite a crowd that’s forming in the hallway, some have their phones out, some whispering whilst looking at you two. Not that you care.

“Let’s talk outside—”

“Yes, you’re coming with me after I punch that–” Before Yeonjun could even finish saying it, you looked him straight in the eyes, pointing at him.

“You’re not touching Kun,” you say, full of conviction. If there’s anything you could do for Kun, its that you will protect him from getting tangled with your mess.

You pulled his wrist to get him out of the building.

At the end of the day, there’s one thing that could shut these kinds of men up. It’s getting real easy, one thing you do for them and they’ll behave like a dog. It’s getting laughable, really.

So you shut them up. By doing what you do best.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

You were sixteen, when you got your heart broken for the first time.

“Stop looking at my brother, you weirdo.” Jisung threw a pillow towards your position on the couch.

The soft object hit you right in the noggin, earning a grunt as you pulled your eyes off of him.

“Bitch. It’s not my fault he’s getting hotter by the day. Damn,”

You were busy staring out the pool area, where Jeno and his friends are hanging out. You were at Jisung’s place, spending your summer in the most boring ways.

Good thing Jeno’s gorgeous self is here, entertaining you. He’s so pretty, you could just eat him up.

“No he’s not. He’s a nerd!” Jisung fights back, earning a smirk from you.

“Says the one who's summer plans are to play league of legends until he becomes a ‘Challenger’ .” You retort, cranking your neck back to where Jeno was.

You recognize his friends, of course. They’re starting to gain popularity in the school, especially when Jeno got on the basketball team.He’s been working out a lot, gaining extra muscles, toning his body to get even hotter. If that’s even possible.

“Eugh, Jisung, y/n’s drooling over Jeno-hyung again.” Chenle enters the conversation, with a soda in his hand and plops himself on the couch.

“I am not drooling!”

“I got something you can drool on.” Chenle’s awful snark earns a hefty punch on his shoulder from you, the boy laughing in a high-pitch tone that makes it even more annoying than it is.

“Anyways, I think he likes me too.” You sigh dreamily, remembering the things Jeno does to you specifically.

He always carries your bags for you. He’s always the first person to welcome you into their house, and the first person to ask if you’ve had breakfast yet. He offers you rides to school when he sees you walking, and he always asks how your day has been. He’s so charming, so nice and you just can’t help but give at least a little bit of malice into it.

I mean, there has to be something, right?

“Oh she’s crazy. She’s fucking insane!” Chenle dramatically gasps, and points at you like you’ve committed a crime.

“That is seriously concerning, y/n. The level of delusion– my god.” Jisung joins in, as he pauses his game to look back and judge you.

“You two are just haters. Get off my ass!” You flip them off, with two hands, each one gets a middle finger from you.

“Look, y/n, we’re just sparing you from getting your little heart broken. Jeno-hyung does not like you.” Chenle’s tone becomes more serious this time, but in your head, he’s wrong. If Jeno didn’t like you, then why would he get out his way just to walk you home whenever you leave their house way too late?

“Seriously. You guys, I really think he’s the one for me. I mean, I can’t really think of any other reason as to why he’s so kind to me, y’know?”

Jisung looked at Chenle as if he really cannot believe what he’s hearing from you. Chenle shakes his head left to right, disappointment spread all over his face.

A set of laughter broke your conversation as you three faced out the pool side, to see Jeno and his friends now actually playing in the pool. Jeno then went on the edge, the ones in front of the back door where you were looking from, and pulled himself out of the water.

The trinkets of water dripping in his hair was one thing, but his wet body being revealed in front of you, the perfect curve of his shoulders down to his small waist, and the veins in his arms definitely woke something up in you.

“Yeah… I’ll confess to him tonight.” your voice almost sounded strange, like you were in a hypnotic state, still mesmerized by Jeno.

“Jesus christ, y/n–” before Jisung finishes, Chenle interrupts.

“Dude, let her. This is her canon event.”

You had no idea what that means, and you’re not interested to know. One thing’s in your mind, Jeno will be yours by midnight.

9:56pm

It’s like the heavens planned it all out for you.

Jeno’s friends all left, as to your surprise, because you thought they’d at least spend the night. Jeno had always offered to let his friends stay, but this time, he asked them to leave before 6. Which is odd, yes, but this all favors you in a way.

Chenle and Jisung still visibly opposed to your idea, and you’re sure they had reason to think its not gonna work out, but it’s not like it matters to you.

Whilst the three of you are in Jisung’s room, you can hear the TV on the lounge area. Their parents are out of town this summer, something about a cruise, so that means, it has to be Jeno.

In your mind, it’s the perfect timing. It’s deep in the evening, the moon’s out, and there’s never been an opportunity where you’re brave enough to actually confess.

Your heartbeat notches another tempo, as you leave Jisung’s room, much to the two’s dismay.

Before you could get to the lounge area, you’d have to pass the kitchen first.

A couple more steps, your feet turning cold, but you still managed. But before you can get a glimpse on the couch, your name was called.

“Y/n?” It’s him. Fuck, it’s him!

Okay, so he’s in the kitchen. That’s fine. Take a deep breath, You just gotta talk to him!

“Jeno,”

You took a step closer to where he was, and he’s looking extra delectable with his white shirt and grey sweatpants. Not that there’s been a moment where he didn’t look good.

“Are you going home? Ask Jisung to walk you home, I kinda—“

“Jeno, I want to talk to you, actually.” Now your voice trembles, and you’re starting to feel nervous.

“Oh, okay. Sure, what’s up?” Jeno looks to be still oblivious to your anxious state. He puts down the wine that he was holding, and turned to you completely.

You gulped, finally looking up to his eyes. He had a shadow of smile on them, but was still curious on what you had to say. You're mere two feet away from him, yet his musky scent still invades your nose.

God, all of that can be yours.

“But you’d have to say it fast because I have—”

“I like you. Very much.”

The deafening silence engulfs you, and only the sound of your heartbeat was prominent. Him, on the other hand, eyes wide, mouth ajar.

“—and I know this is so sudden but I’ve liked you ever since we were kids. I’ve always thought you were cute and nice to me!” You tried to fill in the silence, because every second that passed with him not saying anything kills you.

Another second passed, and your nervousness is long gone, because it was replaced by an impending doom.

“Y/n, look, I really appreciate it but… I-I’m just being nice.. I have to be nice. You’re my brother’s best friend—”

Fuck, shit, fuck! This cannot be happening!

“Oh, my, god!”

A high pitched voice behind you tores the tension in the air, and when you looked back, you saw Eunmi, with an amused look in her face, then covering her mouth with her hands.

She let out a laugh, as if he finds all of this ridiculous.

All of a sudden, you can’t breathe. Your heart was about to explode as you looked back at where Jeno was, seeing two wine glasses behind him. The movie in the background, still playing.

And it all just stops.

“That’s so cute!” Eunmi screeched, before walking towards Jeno and snaking her arms around him.

“Babe, I was wondering why it’s taking so long, you didn’t tell me this girl is pouring her heart out to you! Awe,”

You can feel your eyes warming up. You had so much left to say. But your voice can’t be found. The heart ache was too loud for you to even utter a word.

And in the end, all you could say was, “I’ll.. go home.”

Then you were gone, every step with every tear drop, and although you expected it to hurt, it still surprises you how painful it was.

You’re glad he didn’t run after you. You can’t be more pathetic than this, but it would kill you for him to witness your vulnerability.

Jeno was your first love.

And then Jeno became your first heartbreak.

With all the smiles he brought you, you never thought he could cause you so many tears.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Is it wrong to be this young and this tired?

You look at yourself in the mirror, analyzing every inch of your body. On the contrary, you don’t hate what you see. You’ve worked so hard to attain the body that you have now, and you’re satisfied where you’re at.

But there’s an empty feeling in your stomach that never left, and you can’t seem to figure out what it is. It’s always been there.

“Get back to bed,” You hear a disgruntled sound from the bed, and immediately your smile fades. You’re pulled back to reality, one that you hated to be in.

“I’m going home,” you say, before grabbing your clothes and putting them back on.

You don’t know why you do this, but you wait before walking out the door, for a sliver of a second to see if the man on the bed even attempts to ask you to stay. And just what you expected, he didn’t.

Sometimes you wish you’re worthy of being asked to stay, but who were you kidding.

There’s a deep routed scar that you’ve been trying so hard to cover. You like to think that the antidote that you have for it works, but the way you’ve been stuck in the same situation all over again says otherwise.

You thought you were healing, but the truth is, you just stopped feeling.

All your life is ahead of you, they say. But yours feels far behind.

You don’t really know where you went wrong, you thought if you became pretty, everybody would like you. You thought that if you agreed to sleep with them, they’d appreciate you. You thought that if you change your entire personality, they would start to see you.

Where did you go wrong? You dyed your hair blonde, you worked your body to achieve the hourglass figure and you even went ahead and let every man that looks your way to have you. Isn’t that enough?

See, this is why you hate being sober. You hate being alone with your thoughts, because it drowns you. You start thinking of things that overwhelms you to the point of tears, and you hate crying. You’ve already done too much of that before.

So why does everybody hate you for drinking? If that’s the only escape you know? It isn’t fair.

“I’m losing my mind,” you say, biting your nails and jerking your knees in frustration.

“Jesus, you’re like a crack addict without crack for a day.” Chenle says as he looks at you.

“She hasn’t had alcohol in a week,” Jisung says as if he’s proud, smiling at you.

You roll your eyes. You’ve been trying to stray off alcohol ever since Jisung and Kun asked you to. You ought to at least try, because you owe them that. On the latter part, if it didn’t work, and you spiral out, you can at least say that you tried.

“Ah, fuck it.” You say, but before Jisung freaks, you clarify, “I’m just gonna smoke for a bit, grandpa.” You say and dashed out of his dorm, down to the parking lot.

It’s winter, and the snow has already covered the streets. The cold was always your favorite season, it gives you reason to just stay inside and cuddle up in your cozy room.

You open up a new packet of cigarettes as you stand outside basking in winter air. It’s especially windy today, you thought.

The heat of the smoke traveling through your lungs was refreshing. It rivals the coldness of the wind, creating a balance that hits you just right. A perfect combination of sensation to combat the numbness in you.

Before the light hits the filter of the cigarette, you hear a screeching sound to your left.

It was a car, no, it was his car.

You mentally curse, throwing the unfinished stick to your feet and stomping on it. You frantically try to walk back up the building, but as you hear the car door slamming, you take a deep breath.

“Smoking’s really bad for you,” Jeno says, walking towards your direction.

“You basically run off of weed and gatorade, Jeno.”

Although you did try your best to keep walking, Jeno catched up in a couple of steps. You stood together waiting for the elevator.

“Is Chenle upstairs, too?” He starts.

“Yeah. Congrats on the game, Jeno. Sorry I had to ruin your night,” you followed it with a slight laugh, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Nah, it’s fine. Didn’t wanna stay in that party anyways,”

The elevator finally dings open, you hesitate to move at first, but when Jeno enters the lift and looks at you, you take this as a sign to walk in with him. So walk in you did.

“Kun took care of you, right?” He asks. You badly wanted to look at him, but you chose not to.

“Yeah.. he’s a great guy.” You silently say, not feeling good about the conversation.

“Hm,” he paused. The suspicious tone made you look at him, anticipating what comes out of his mouth next.

“I saw you walking out of Yeojun's dorm last night tho.” He says as if it was nothing, as if it was a little detail he had to tell you. But the underlying idea behind his statement was obvious.

You hitched your breath. No, y/n. Fight back.

“What can I say, I’m booked and busy.”

“You’re— that’s not something to be proud of, y/n.” He states as if he’s running out of patience, now looking back at you.

You smirked wider, “Oh don’t be a hypocrite, Jeno. You do the same damn thing,”

He grunts in frustration. “Yes but you’re different, y/n!”

8… 9….

“Different in what way? Because I’m a woman? And this isn’t what women do? Don’t give me that bullshit,”

“Fuck that, you know that’s not what I meant. I’m just protecting you from what people think about you.”

10… 11… 12…

“Jeno, I want you to listen to me carefully.” You took another step closer to him, looking up to level your face with his. “—whatever you heard about me, I want you to times it by a million, and when you think it’s bad, make it worse.” You whispered.

You tilt your head to hover your lips on his ear, “And guess what, who knows, maybe they’re telling the truth.”

And as soon as the elevator hits the 15th floor, you walk out without looking back.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

You were a lost cause.

Jeno thought he just needed to accept the fact that you’re just never gonna be the same.

He doesn’t know why it bothered him so much, the fact that you’re not letting anyone help you. It never bothered him before, and so, it shouldn’t bother him now.

It’s not his fault that you turned out to be this way. It’s not his fault.

So he distracts himself. Both in ways of basketball and women.

He tried to go back to his old ways, back to where he’s safe. He was doing fine, before you plagued his system. Plus, it’s not like he didn’t try, he damn did try.

Maybe this version of you is the real you. Maybe this is what’s meant to be.

“Holy fuck,” Haechan eyes the woman who walks out of Jeno’s room, obviously checking her out. Jeno just rolled his eyes and spread his arms around the back of the couch. Dragging a long hit of the weed he seemed to never get run out of.

“That’s the third girl this week, Jeno. Are you trying to break my record?” Haechan scoffed, as if proud of his friend.

“I’m not trying to break anything, but if you want, I’d gladly break your nose.”

Haechan put both his hands up, taking a step back because out of all of them, Jeno’s the one who could really do it. And he’s not trying to risk his beautiful face.

“Dude, this is bad.” Renjun was the second one to comment, following Haechan. He looked at Jeno’s state, and he can tell something’s not right. There’s something bothering Jeno, and Renjun can’t exactly tell what.

He had an idea, but he’s sure as hell won’t tell it to Jeno’s face.

“What? I have two weeks before the game. I need to relax.” Jeno says, ignoring the concern in Renjun’s face.

“And this is relaxing to you?” Renjun grabs an empty bottle of beer, one of the many that’s scattered all over the place.

Jeno didn’t answer, letting a sigh out of his lips and closing his eyes. He can’t think straight right now, or in the past week. He had been sleeping with different girls, to the point where he ran out of bed sheets to use. His room stinks of sweat and axe body spray, and he can’t seem to be satisfied, at all.

“I don’t know, Junnie. Just… leave me alone.” At this moment, Renjun can’t help but sigh. It's these kinds of moments where he knows that Jeno needs someone. Where the one month gap in their age really shines and Jeno needs his older brother, Renjun.

He puts down the plastic bag of trash and sat beside Jeno. “Look, Jeno. I’m not gonna sit here and ask you what this is about, but this is starting to look really sad. Jaemin is already down, and I don’t need you broken too. I can’t handle Haechan by myself,” Renjun, in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

“Junnie, just let me be, okay? I swear.. this will pass.”

“I sure hope it would. Because you can’t fix someone if you’re broken yourself. That’s just plain dumb.”

He grunts, and cursed deeply because he know’s Renjun’s right. But how can he, when it feels like he’s stuck? When has everything, but he feels like he’s got nothing? He has a great future ahead of him, he knows that, but why does it feel like something’s missing?

Girls, money, fame. What more could he want?

In a split second, Jeno regrets asking himself that question. Because he feel like he knows the answer, but he really doesn’t like it.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

“Lee Jeno, what the fuck was that?!”

Yangyang pushed Jeno, but instead of fighting back, Jeno just shook his head. He raked his fingers across his hair as he sat at the bleachers.

Thank fuck this isn’t the actual university game. Because if it was, they’d for sure lose the first quarter and Jeno will have his first ever loss written on his otherwise squeaky clean reputation.

“Don’t fucking yell at my face.” Jeno’s voice thundered.

“Five hundred dollars are at stake, and Minho would not let us live if you lose against him, Jeno.” Yangyang’s voice was a lot more controlled, but still angry, nonetheless.

“Man, I don’t really care.” Jeno let out an unenthusiastic chuckle, drinking out of his tumbler.

“What?” Yangyang feels like he’s mistaken. Lee Jeno doesn’t care if he loses? In a basketball game, that is? Oh he truly thinks the world has turned upside down.

Before he could even ask his friend again, Minho starts shouting from the other side of the court.

“What, Lee Jeno? The magic doesn’t work now, doesn’t it?” Minho yells, earning a laugh from his teammates.

“Fuck you! Games not over, bitch!” Yangyang yells back, full of confidence but looked back at Jeno, worry splattered in his face.

“Dude, I swear, we need to put that son of a bitch back in his place!” Yangyang angrily whispers.

“I’m gonna sit this one out, Yang–”

“How about we bet on that y/n girl?! Your brother’s friend, right? Heard she spreads it open to just about anyone who looks at her funny!”

Without even thinking, Jeno’s fast on his feet, and his vision turns red. His fist curled up and his logical thinking was out of the window. His vision is straight at Minho, and his only thought is to knock this bitch out.

Yangyang couldn’t even process anything, as he watches Jeno’s eyes darkens and before any of his teammates could even try and stop Jeno, his fist already connects with Minho’s face. The boy fell down, immediately knocked out, and chaos between both teams ensues. But Jeno didn’t stop.

He’s not letting Minho get up.

“Jeno, slow the fuck down.” He heard a concerned voice at the corner of the nearby club he went to. His feet dragged him here after the incident, wanting to drown himself with anything that could take away his mind from everything.

One shot, two shots, three shots, four.

“I’m paying you, Doyoung, aren’t I?” Jeno says, rolling his eyes at the older man in front of him.

Doyoung was another person Jeno trusts. Besides the three idiots back in his apartment, Doyoung is also the one Jeno’s comfortable with.

“Yes, but I don’t want to report an alcohol poisoning inside my bar, Jeno.” Doyoung can tell Jeno’s done for the night. Slumped over his counter, he forces the shot glass out of Jeno’s hold.

He signals one of his co-bartenders to take over the bar for a bit, before dragging Jeno’s body out of the bar. He notices the bruising at the boy’s hand but he didn’t say anything and drove Jeno home.

“I don’t want to go back to my apartment, Haechan’s there with a girl,” Jeno mumbled, slowly getting more and more sober as the fresh air wakes him up.

“Where’d you want me to bring you then?” Doyoung asked.

“I don’t know… fuck.. just, bring me back to my brother’s.”

Thankfully, Doyoung knew Jisung’s apartment. He’s close with both of the brothers, often being mistaken as a brother as well. But after graduating, he just naturally went off and did other things.

Doyoung huffs as soon as he successfully brought Jeno in front of Jisung’s apartment, however, another problem was that Jisung isn’t answering the phone.

“Jeno, I really can’t stay here with you, I just sneaked out of my shift,” he explains, but Jeno just dismissed him and nods. Doyoung knocks at the door before he left, making sure that if there was a person inside, they’d open the door for Jeno.

Jeno wasn’t as drunk as earlier, that’s for sure. What’s left is the pounding headache plus the fact that no one’s opening the door for him.

Out of sheer frustration, he kicks the door, strong enough to make a banging sound but not hard enough to damage it.

“Fucking Jisung,” he murmured to himself, almost turning his heels to walk out, but before he could, rattling on the other side of the door can be heard.

Jeno sighs in relief, but seconds after it opened, what greets him almost knocks the breath out of his lungs.

“Shit, Jeno.” Your soft voice matched your soft expression as you look at him with obvious shock.

Jeno, on the other hand, didn’t want to extend the painful awkward silence.

“I-Is my brother there?” Stuttering was never Jeno’s thing. Until this moment, he thinks.

“He’s… he’s like, I think at a girls place somewhere… fuck, I think her name’s Jieun or some shit..” Your eyes take turns in blinking, but still standing straight— conflicting the idea that you’re drunk. Well, at least not y/n drunk.

“Then why are you here?” He didn’t know why, but his hands automatically grabs the door knob to swing the door more open to see if you’re inside with somebody.

He just needs to know you’re alone.

“I crash here sometimes… when I’m locked out of my apartment.” You shoulders where slumped, words were coming out slow. Jeno can tell you’re not sober.

He can’t say shit because he’s not in an exactly sober state as well. So he just proceeds to walk past you to enter the dorm.

Technically, Jisung’s place is his place too. Their parents fixed it up for the two of them but Jeno chose to stay over at his shared apartment with the other boys. So he can do whatever he wants to do.

The entire place reeks of weed, and the floor has two empty bottles of Soju. He almost threw up, he hates Soju.

“Jesus fucking christ, Jisung.” He murmured as he picks up the trash, forgetting that you were standing behind him baffled.

“I’m sorry about that…” Of course it’s yours. Of course you’ve been drinking again. Fuck him for thinking that it’s his brother’s fault. Because it’s would always be you.

Jeno stays quiet. He’s not in the best mood to even look at you. Everything that’s been happening to him recently is because of you. He hates that he blames you, but he can’t just think of someone else.

“Jeno...” Your soft voice calls for him again. It took everything from him to ignore you, and walk back to the kitchen and throw all the trash away.

He’s hanging by a thread, and he starts to realize it’s a bad idea to stay here for long.

He takes a deep breath and walks towards the door, but before that, he felt a tight grip in his arms.

“Jeno.. talk to me.” The sultry voice you had did not go unnoticed, and Jeno couldn’t help but stop his tracks.

Don’t break, Jeno.

“Jeno.. please look at me.”

He forces your grip out of his arms. It kills him, so much to hear you like this.

“I’m leaving,” He managed to say, however, his feet says otherwise. He’s standing still, not even another step out the door.

“You’re not, please. Just… just look at me.” Jeno heaves, his hands turning into fists as he tries and compose himself.

Just this once.

He turns his heel and immediately surrendered. The moment he let his eyes on you, he already lost the game.

“Why don’t you want me?”

He gulps. He bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything, because he doesn’t trust that he’s not going to say something he’s not ready to say.

“You’ve had so many girls.. Jeno, why not me? I’m…” You paused, you look left to right as if you’re finding words to say. “..I’m better than all of them.”

“Y/n—“

“No! Fuck it, Jeno! There’s no fucking reason why you won’t fuck me! It doesn’t make any fucking sense!” Jeno hears ringing in his head, the string of patience threatening to snap.

“Why? Explain to me fucking why you would fuck all those bitches and not me? I swear.. Jeno, I’m good— fuck that, I’m the best—”

“I’m so—”

“Ask half of your team.”

In that note, the last thread he was hanging on to snapped. You want him? Fine. Take it.

He grips your arms and drags you inside of the room, and in his peripheral view, he can see your demeanor changes. Now, your eyes are mischievous, and your lips turning into a smirk.

“You want to fucking play that game? Fine, I’ll fucking play with you.” Jeno almost growls, letting you sit on the bed as he slams the door shut.

“Strip.” He orders, in the most dominant voice he has.

You bit your lip as you look up at him. Slowly discarding your clothes one by one, but not breaking eye contact with him.

His eyes were dark. So dark that you can’t tell anything that’s on his mind. His jaw tightens at the sight of you almost stripped off of your dress.

“I’ve been so fucking patient with you,”

The dim lights shone at his back, as he craned his body down, standing before you. Nearing his face unto yours, the mirror on the side of the bed depicted something out of a dark fairytale, a silhouette of a beast trying to tempt an angel.

But in reality, the angel had already fallen. Deep and hard. The beast didn't even have to do anything.

"Tell me you want me," he says.

"I do, Jeno. I really want you," And as of this moment, you lost the battle you've fought for all these years.

"All this time, huh? You're still lusting over your best friend's brother?" Now, his tone was slightly teasing. His once gentle hands on your cheeks turned possessive, his grip getting tighter.

"Dirty, dirty, dirty little girl. Bet when you fuck those boys, you think of me, don't you?" His thumb on your lower lip, parting it softly.

"This is your chance, y/n. Tonight, I'm yours. Just tell me the words," his whispers turned deadly, as his own lips are almost touching yours.

"J-jeno.."

"Pretty, pretty, pretty..." His words spit like venom. Every movement of his lips gave you a tease, your entire body burning with desire.

Your mind was under his control, and you completely and utterly surrendered to him. He's not yours— you're his.

"—Please," you finally choked out, and like a green light, Jeno kissed you with hunger, pushing his entire body weight onto you forcing you to lay down on the bed.

“I thought you won’t beg anymore?” The cockiness in his voice would usually prompt a reaction from you but you don’t care anymore.

This time, his hips close the distance between your bodies, maneuvering his knees to position between your legs. Careful not to crush you, he kept balance of his weight as he pushed his hip further, creating a slight friction between your clothed core.

After what it seemed like forever, his lips traveled down your neck, and almost immediately you can feel that he's gonna leave a mark. You'll definitely leave with a painted neck.

His hands expertly went under your dress, grabbing your breast, squeezing them ever so slightly. It doesn't take a full minute when his hands went around your back and unclasped your bra like it was nothing. All while he was focused on kissing every part of your skin.

Of course he's good at this.

Just then, he pulled away but only to pull your dress up and completely undress you. He took his time looking at your exposed body.

"You're so fuckin' perfect," he mumbled more so to himself as he admired you. He leaned in again but this time his mouth landed on one of your breasts, sucking them deftly.

"Shit, Jeno," you can't help but moan his name, grab the back of his head to level yourself. You pulled his hair, and you didn't know if he likes it, but with the way he groaned gave you a hint that he does.

As he keeps himself busy, his hands go down to your clothed core. Goosebumps ran down your body as his middle finger traced your slit, already feeling the wetness you've desperately hid before.

"So fuckin' wet, and all for me. Am I right, baby?" He whispered, you answered with a whiny 'yes' that it almost sounded like a stranger.

"Lemme' take this off," he quickly pulled down your panties, only to be welcomed by your soaking wet core. Jeno was ravenous, like he's been starved all his life.

The room was dark, only a dim lamp providing some light, but the wetness in your pussy glistens and reflects, that Jeno swore he's never seen something so beautiful. You're beautiful, and he's gonna make you feel just exactly that.

You can hear his belt buckle, him swiftly taking all his clothes off.

"God, I can never get used to how fucking pretty you are, my pretty little baby," he mumbled again, to himself.

"Who was the last guy you fucked, baby?" Jeno asked, catching you off guard. He was pumping himself as he looks at you, and you never thought he would ask such question.

"Wha-- why? I don't kn- probably—" Your speech cut off when you looked down at his moving arms, to see all of him.

You've heard rumors. You knew he was packing. But good God, he's so fucking big. Almost knocking the breath out of your lungs. You're starting to get worried if it would fit.

"Doesn't even matter.. everyone else doesn't count. Just me.”

He then pressed his finger down in your core, finding the clit right away. Rapidly circling his finger, and a wave of pleasure started to form. "Oh fuck--," you moaned.

He dove down to kiss you, this time passionately. Much softer than before. Only for you to feel his finger entering you that you went crazy. Not long before he added another,pumping it swiftly in and out. He moved away from your face to watch your expression. And he fucking loved it.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum-" you whispered.

"Go on, baby." Jeno, encouraging you even more, fingers going faster.

"Shit.. oh my go-" and then it hit you, your first orgasm of the night. Jeno's face was all you can see, and his fingers was all you can feel. Your brows furrowed, mouth agape, you felt like you can't control your body. Jeno's lips was also parted, as if he gains pleasure from watching you reach your climax.

"Good girl," he groaned.

"Need more, Jen. Please," begging was never on your vocabulary, until now.

"Shh, no need to beg, baby. I'm more than willing to give you all," his sweet words acted as an aphrodisiac, igniting the fire in you. As if you needed him to be even more sexier.

Because it was dark in the room, your sense of touch is heightened. Every touch lingered, and its as if you were touch deprived your entire life. Jeno brings out your true colors, and you're not mad about it.

"Make you feel good," he whispered more praises, and you can hear him pump himself as he aligned his length onto your aching core.

"Oh my god," you can't help but gasp, the stretch overwhelming you. You've never taken someone this big before, and it fucking felt like its your first time. Not in a painful way, but because you've felt a whole new sensation.

"S' wet, baby, fuck, you're choking me," in a low groan, Jeno slowly bottomed out. He sits fully inside you, and you can feel every single inch, every single vein. It felt so raw, and so right.

"Hmm, fuck, fuck you feel.. fucking hell. S' good." You never expected Jeno to be this vocal, and you weren't complaining. You always thought he didn't like being vocal, but damn, were you so wrong.

"Jeno.." you moaned, and you can already feel your impending orgasm. Its just that good.

Before Jeno could even find a pace with his thrust,, he pulled out. Your eyes opened in confusion, from the abrupt emptiness.

"Fuck this," Jeno was fast on his feet, you wondered where he was going, but before your mind settles on a conclusion, you were blinded by bright lights.

"Need to see you properly," he reasoned, before he went back to the position he was before.

With the lights on, you can now see his perfectly lean body, toned abs and the sweat beading on his sideburns. He looked so hot that you could cum right there and then.

"So fucking beautiful," Jeno never failed to compliment you, as he stares at you before sliding it in again. For the second time you gasp, but because he slid it in so swift that you didn't even get a second to breathe before he pounds.

"Oh, fuck, Jeno!" you squealed, your entire body rocking back and forth with how rough he was.

His hands grabbed your left leg and hooked it in his shoulder, all the while he kept the fast pace of his thrusts. You can see his face twist, him biting his lips and looking up. His expert thrusts made his abs flex everytime. The sight was stunning, and for a second there you were lost. You can't believe other girls had seen this before you.

The orgasm you fought so hard was out of your control now, and you knew you weren't gonna last.

"Jeno, I'm gonna cum," you tell him, and he switched his position in no time. "Together. Cum with me," he muttered.

"Come inside, Jeno. I need it so bad," you were slurring words at this point, so barbaric with the feeling.

He unhooked your leg and leaned forward. Your body now pressed together as he wrapped your legs onto his waist, his hands finding your neck, holding it steady as he touched his forehead with yours. His piercing eyes were hyper focused on yours.

"Eyes on me, baby. Fuck, please," he moaned, his tempo going even more rapid and desperate. Both of your mouths was wide open at this point.

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck!" he stilled, as you both reached climax. He emptied himself inside you. You can't help but moan in a high pitch as orgasm washes over your entire body, an intense wave brought you to euphoria, and you never wanna leave.

"Damn," he whispered, almost in disbelief on how it felt to be with you. Still giving you everything he had, every single drop.

"Jeno," you called out once you relaxed, hoping to get him back to his senses.

"Wait- just.. shit." he managed to mutter despite his weak state. He's still wrapped around you, tight as if you were disappearing. Not to mention he's still balls deep.

A solid minute has passed when he decided to pull out, both of you hissing at the feeling. You felt so empty, and he felt so bare.

And when Jeno closes his eyes, he accepts defeat. You’ve successfully broken him.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Sooyoung, Minnie, Hoyeon, Yoonah.

So far, those are the names that you gathered.

It doesn’t take a long time to figure out what Jeno likes, based on the girls he’s been with. They’re all hot, popular with the boys, and if not the same age as him, they’re older.

The other common denominator is that they all have experience. When Jeno started sleeping around, you would only see him with women who’s expected to be with him. Like those women who knows how pretty they are, who’s aware how to handle a man like Jeno.

So when you finally turn eighteen, you did not waste time.

“Do you think I look hot in this, Ji?” You ask innocently, looking at your best friend through the mirror you’re standing in front of.

He barely looks up from his nintendo switch, and when you make eye contact, the look of disgust on his face makes you roll your eyes.

“Your freakin’ ass is hanging off that skirt. You look like a…” Jisung turns his head towards Chenle on the other side of the room, playing on his playstation.

“…hooker.” Chenle finished the sentence for him. You hide a smirk.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you!” You did a curtsy, before grabbing your purse.

“Wait, where are you going?” Chenle asked as soon as he paused the game to see you walk towards the door.

“NCU is throwing this party for the new basketball team, got an invite from Jungwoo.” You gave Chenle a wink, knowing it would annoy the heck out of him.

“What?! Why do I not know about this?!” You flinched when Chenle says the first word in the highest octave possible.

“Probably because we’re not in NCU’s college department yet? The party’s exclusive for college students, dumbass.” Jisung says boredly, bringing his attention back to his nintendo.

“Except I got an invite, you losers didn’t!” And just for extra annoyance, you stick your tongue out to mock them.

Chenle only huffs, but takes his phone out of his pocket.

“Invited or not, I’m going. I’m sure your broke ass would take up a free ride to the party,” He says as he waits for someone on his phone.

“And how do you plan to enter the party, dimwit? You don’t have an invite,” Jisung asks.

“I’m Zhong fucking Chenle. That’s my invite.” He smirks, grabs his keys and your wrist. You flew a kiss towards Jisung and left his apartment.

Booming music, strobe lights. The bass vibrates through the wall and honestly, this is way too extreme from what you expected. This is the first real party you had attended, where you’re specifically invited.

Jungwoo was someone you knew, from one of your girlfriends. He’s three years ahead of you, making him a year older than Jeno. And to be frank, Jungwoo didn’t peak your interest at first. But when you knew that he’s in Jeno’s friend circle, you figured that maybe, you do like Jungwoo.

“Hey,” Someone from behind you whispers on your ear, making you whip your head. You saw Jungwoo, head hangs low just to whisper. He displays a playful smile as he hugs you.

But before you could even tighten his embrace, Chenle took a protective stance, putting his arms in between. “Woah dude, chill out.”

Jungwoo chuckled, putting his hands up. “Zhong, calm down,”

You immediately give Chenle a look of confirmation, “I’m good, Le.”

“Just making sure.” He says and steps back. He patted Jungwoo’s shoulder in a sense that he’s good. Chenle has always been protective, in literal terms. Jisung however, is protective in a motherly kind of way. In short, Chenle’s fights, Jisung nags.

“Why don’t you talk to Jaehyun? Heard he’s interested in taking you in the team.” Jungwoo says making Chenle widen his eyes, a breathless ‘really?’ coming out of his lips and Jungwoo nods. You pushed Chenle to go find the Jaehyun guy and before you know it, you’re alone with Jungwoo.

“He’s really into basketball, huh?” Jungwoo, sounding amused.

You on the other hand, start roaming your eyes around the room. You’re here for someone, and you need to know if they’re in this party, or else this would be a huge waste of time if he’s not here.

“Yeah, he basically worships Stephen Curry.” You looks at him, to at least try to entertain the boy.

“Mm-hm.” The way his hands crawl into your waist so naturally was a shock to you, but you don’t say anything at all. He starts walking and with his hands attached on your body, you can’t help but walk with him.

“So.. where’s the team?” You really did try to prolong the moment you’re with Jungwoo, but you just can’t stay still without confirming if he’s here.

“They’re upstairs. Some of my teammates doesn’t really like hanging out with too many people.”

“How about you?”

“I was waiting for you, pretty.” Jungwoo flashes a smile, someone could argue his most defining feature but then again, you have your sights on someone else.

True to his words, Jungwoo brought you upstairs, where it’s more intimate with a few people. There’s a lounge area in front of a bar and that's where you spot the certain someone you’ve been looking for.

And as expected, he has a girl with him.

“Hey, guys, uh– this is y/n.” Jungwoo awkwardly introduces you to everyone, including Jeno who at first was shocked at your presence, but soon enough replaced with a certain tension in his eyes.

You did a small wave, still shy at the amount of eyes on you. These people are legends on campus. They’re basically the school’s pride and seeing them acknowledging you was amusing. And Jeno, like the perfect man that he is, just fits right in.

“Hi, I’m Juyeon,” He extends his hands, so you, a person who doesn’t like leaving people hanging, gladly accepts it.

And everyone else follows suit, except Jeno. He was looking at something else, not even the girl he’s with. He’s fixated at his beer can, looking at it very seriously.

“Jeno?” Jungwoo asks, questioning why the boy didn’t acknowledge you.

He looked at Jungwoo, and he was about to answer but you did it for him.

“We know each other. I’m friends with his brother.” You smile at Jungwoo, and he seemed to understand it so he just lead you to the empty spot on the lounge.

They started talking, but your attention was on Jeno. You realized that this is his crowd, quickly you found that he’s very different in front of other people. He’s more talkative, that’s for sure.

But your eyes also catch the soft touches he graces the girl beside him. The whispers he gave, the smiles and subtle kisses on the side of her head. His arms around her and the jokes he tells just for the two of them.

It has been years since he rejected you, yet the pain still stings.

You took your eyes somewhere else, made easy as Jungwoo starts to caress your shoulder. He leaned below, matching your face. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” you smiled at him. You weren’t, but you’re obviously not gonna tell that.

He hands you a shot of what you assume alcohol, with his eyes anticipating your next move. This is the first time you’re drinking without Chenle or Jisung around, and you’re unsure if this was okay.

But with everybody starting to look at Jungwoo’s waiting hand, the shot clearly for you, you start to panic. There’s no way you’re gonna embarrass yourself in front of these seniors.

So you suck it up and took the shot. You’re not sure, but you got a glance from Jeno that tells he’s not happy with your action.

The taste of the alcohol was strong, but somehow your throat didn’t burn. Yes, you definitely felt it heat up your taste buds but not bad enough for you to hate it. It’s like a sensation that hypes up your system.

And so, with your new found information, you were more confident in taking shots now. And exactly that you do.

But with the amount of liquid going in, it has to come out. So you excused yourself to the bathroom to pee. You assured Jungwoo you were okay, because heck yeah, you’re fine.

Not until you actually stood up. Good thing you didn’t stumble, but shit, your world is spinning.

You bee line straight to the bathroom and relieve yourself. It took a couple minutes before you finished washing your hands, and as you walk out of the restroom, you were met by a figure clearly waiting for you to finish up.

“J-Jeno,” you muttered, moreso in surprise.

“Y/n what the hell are you doing here?” He whispers, angrily of course.

“Jungwoo invited me!” You whisper back, leaning on the door behind you to balance yourself.

“Where’s my brother? Chenle?” He looms over you, and all you can think about is his luscious lips, mere inches to yours.

“They.. Chenle came with me, Ji stayed home..” You answer, despite being in a trance. The entire place is spinning, but not Jeno’s face. It’s there, in front of you.

“I need you to find Chenle and go home.” He says in finality, expecting you to follow. You knit your brows, as you take in offense over what he’s doing.

“What? I’m invited here!” You whined.

“Find Chenle. Now.” The growl in his last words made you slightly intimidated, not to mention his eyes burning holes into your own.

God, he’s so handsome.

You don’t know if its the vodka, or just plain recklessness that gave you the idea of just tipping on your toes and try kissing Jeno.

It made perfect sense in your head. Your hands cupping his cheeks obviously caught him off guard, but before your lips touch his, his reflex of pushing you off was unfortunately faster.

He shoved you harsh, causing you to stumble and almost losing your balance.

“What the fuck?!” He yells.

Your heartbeat went quicker. Everything started to process. Jeno looks so mad, he huffs and wiping his palm against the part of his face that your lips had touched.

“I-I’m s-sorr—”

“I have a fucking girlfriend, y/n!” He spits, words felt like daggers through your chest.

“Jeno, I’m sorry. I was out of—” Your eyes start to burn.

“Are you that desperate? I rejected you already, didn’t I? I will never look at you different than being my brother’s best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while I’m being nice.” Jeno points his fingers at you, making you flinch a little bit.

“Jeno, please.” Your tears are now slowly flowing. You attempted to grab his wrist to make him stay and listen to your apologies but he swiped it off like he’s disgusted to be touched by you.

“No, y/n. You’re like a sister to me. It disgusts me to even think of being with you romantically. So please, know your fucking place.”

With that, he walks out and leaves you broken.

You don’t understand. You did everything by the book. You looked pretty, you knew how he liked girls. You made yourself into his fantasies and he still can’t see past the fact that you’re just his brother’s bestfriend.

You take a deep breath between the sobs, calming yourself down. You felt horrible. You felt so sick and embarrassed. You felt so fucking desperate and pathetic that you just want to numb yourself of the pain.

You grab your chest, having difficulty breathing from crying too hard.

This is way more than a broken heart.

You’re no longer consolable, and there’s just no way you’re going back there with your makeup now ruined.

Are you that hard to want?

Are you that hard to need?

The tears don't stop as you walk out of the party. Gladly, everybody’s wasted so nobody noticed you ugly-crying.

As you turn to an alleyway, you shoot Jungwoo a text saying you got sick, and Chenle saying you got an uber home.

With your 7-inch heels on your hand, in the cold street, you walk in shame.

Bare feet on the sidewalk, shivering, that's when you noticed a bar.

Your feet prompted to enter, so that you did. You were going to drown the pain, and there’s nothing in your mind except alcohol.

You hoped that it would ease the pain.

And it did, the effects of it giving you a temporary memory loss. This was the numbing you needed.

The sensation of alcohol gave you solace, and for a while, your thoughts melted into nothingness.

Staring at the shot glass in front of you, you made a promise to your eighteen year old self.

That if Jeno doesn’t want you, you’ll make it your life’s mission to make everyone else crave you. You don’t need Jeno.

You’ll never be rejected again.

And just as soon as you felt like you can breathe again, your phone buzzed.

[2:34am] jisung: y/n, come home, quickly. it’s your mom.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

It was odd to say the least.

This has been what you’ve wanted for so many years. You prayed— and begged the heavens for Jeno to finally take you, to prove that you can get him.

And now, you’ve proven your point.

But why does it feel… strange?

Yes, it was the best sex you’ve had, and it might be the only one that could make you feel that way. It was mindblowing, it was everything and more.

Isn’t this the goal? For him to actually step over that line of being your best friend’s brother?

What else did you want?

Honestly, you don’t know anymore. Hence, you sneak out of the apartment in the middle of the night. Jeno was laying on his stomach, the comforter covering his lower half. His back muscles spread across the sheets and you take the art in. He really is sculptured to perfection.

You managed to put on your clothes and walk out of the apartment building. You find yourself in a nearby convenience store, walking through the isle finding something you didn’t know. Your mind is blank and empty.

These are the times where you wished there was someone to guide you to what you should do next. Because you have no idea. You’re confused, and you need direction.

These are the moments where you wished your mom was here. She would know what to do.

For a while, when you were with Jeno, you felt warmth you’ve always been trying to find from somebody else. With Jeno, you actually felt like sex wasn’t only about pleasure, but it’s also about being able to express unspoken feelings.

Sex wasn’t something you just needed to get over with. It felt amazing, It was perfect.

But it clicked too, that you know yourself was the only one who really appreciated it. Jeno— was in for the satisfaction. He never needed you like you needed him. You talked him into sleeping with you. You were begging for his touch.

You pushed him to a point where he just snapped and gave you what you’ve been desperately chasing him for.

And for what? Probably for you to stop. He was throwing scraps at you because he’s tired of that one girl who keeps chasing his tail. He just gave in, expecting you to finally give up.

Then it hit you. Your fourteen year old self, your eighteen year old self and your twenty-two year old self still has something in common.

You realize, that all the hard work, the wall you desperately tried to build was a fraud. Because at the end of the day, you never lost feelings for Jeno.

No matter how many people you’ve been with, it’s still gonna be Jeno for you.

That makes you laugh. In both ridiculousness and despair. Hopelessness felt eerily familiar.

Silly you, for thinking you’ve moved on.

Jeno is inevitable. And you’ll learn to accept it too.

As you reach up the isle and grab a bottle of Soju, a hand stops you.

“My love, are you okay?” A soft voice that you haven't heard in a while.

“Kun,”

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Jeno knows he’s royally fucked.

He gave into your trap, and you’ve successfully defeated him. All his morals, his beliefs, and the logic he stands on was out the window.

He knows you planned it out too. This was your way of taking revenge on him, when he repeatedly rejected you years ago.

He tried to keep his distance, because he promised.

And he takes his promises seriously, especially when it involves you. And he felt like he broke the one thing that’s keeping the promise he made a couple years ago.

You weren’t supposed to end up in his bed. You weren’t supposed to still want him after everything he’s done. You weren’t supposed to even be involved with him. He’s supposed to stay wherever he is, on the sidelines, silently protecting you.

But it’s all been done. You and Jeno did it, and it cannot be reversed. And now that its happened, there’s not much he can do. He has to hash things out, he has to fix everything.

Because no matter how many women he had before, no matter how many times he tricks himself, he had always felt like it wasn’t what he’s been searching for.

And when he finally had a taste of you, he’s afraid he’s gonna want more. And he’s afraid that he’ll never feel the way it felt with you. He’s horrified that what happened opened his eyes with what’s the truth.

And when he felt the other side of the bed cold, he opens his eyes and you’re gone.

Yeah, this is just a game for you.

But for him? Oh, he’s eternally fucked. The shame, the guilt, and everything in between creeps up. And not of you, he’ll never—ever be ashamed of you. He’s guilty about the fact that he let himself get carried away.

Out of frustration, he hits his steering wheel as he drove. He can’t believe he just did that.

He was drunk, you were clearly not in the right state of mind. Even if you were, he was still drunk. What happened was fucked up, both for him and for you.

He takes a deep breath before pulling out his phone.

He carefully types, calculating everything he needs to say.

[7:35am] to: y/n

hey. dont say anything to my brother. it was a mistake, i was drunk. i don’t really like you like that.

He sent it quick, afraid he’d delete it if he hesitated longer. And just as he did, he felt his whole chest stiffen.

Because once again, he lied. Both to you, and to himself.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

You woke up through the sounds of your phone ringing. It was the next week after the whole thing happened with Jeno, and you’ve not craved anything but sleep.

Kun never asked questions. Which you’re thankful for, but you can’t help but feel bad.

You ghosted the guy, again, but he welcomed you into his apartment with open arms like nothing happened. His smile was there, the warmth of his embrace still the same.

Before you could even say anything about your guilt, he’s quick to tell you that it’s okay. He’s with you because he wants to. Although you can’t give him what he wants the most.

In a perfect world, if you weren’t so fucked up, you’d be with Kun, no questions asked.

You were lucky it was the weekend, and you’ve got no class. So you just laid on Kun’s couch, binging away, rotting in the cushions. Kun doesn’t mind, he says its better than you going out and drinking.

Which is true, plus you just can’t physically get yourself back up and doing what you do before, after what happened with Jeno.

Jeno, Jeno, Jeno. Fucking Lee Jeno.

It’s like a curse, following you all throughout your existence. He’s like a ghost stuck in your hip, a burden you’d beg to get off of you. There’s just no way you’d have to carry these feelings towards him until your seventy, right? Jesus.

Your head whips at the door when you hear it open, not expecting Kun to come home so early.

He’s not here ‘til 7, right?

“Oh, you’re still here.”

Well, you’re right. It’s not Kun. It’s his lovely roommate Ten. Note the sarcasm on the lovely part.

“Yeah.” You backed down to the couch.

If there’s anyone annoyed at your presence, it’s definitely Ten. You think he harbored the anger and disappointment Kun should’ve had with you— like some sort of anger translator.

“Your roommate must be overjoyed having your place for her own.” He says, with feign casualness in his tone.

“She’s doing fine,”

“I mean, at this point, you’re gonna have to pay your share with the rent.” He scoffs as he puts down his bag harshly on the counter.

You let out a deep breath, reminding yourself that this is also his place. You’re not in a position to return his attitude because you, in your own thoughts, are aware that you’ve overstayed your welcome.

“Kun says its okay–”

“That’s–” Ten’s voice in a high pitch, but quickly calming himself down. “--that’s because Kun can’t say shit to you. I don’t know if you noticed but my friend is literally insane for you. And of course, you like the attention.”

You can’t help but look at him, your mouth slacking due to disbelief of what he just said. You bit your lip and paused, not wanting to say things without thinking about it first. Again, you're not in a position where you’re purely innocent in this situation.

“What do you want me to do? Tell me. I’ll leave right now.” You managed to calm your tone, avoiding any more discussion.

“What I want you to do is to be straight with Kun, y/n. I know you’re used to being a player, but Kun isn’t. He agreed to your situationship because you weren’t ready. You ghosted him for a few weeks and still he took you in even tho I fucking knew it was a dumb decision because he’s just hoping to be with you again. If you’re not planning to be with my friend, then just fucking make your decision. I know you’re not that cruel to string him along. He’s a good person, y/n.”

His sudden outburst caught you off guard, but every word he said was like a slap to you. Every sentence was nothing but facts, and you knew deep inside that you were in the wrong. That Ten was right. Kun is way too good for you. He does not deserve this.

You felt your eyes starting to warm, for a hundredth time. You nod in agreement. However, you can tell he wasn’t finished.

“He’s not your back burner, y/n. And I’m not saying this to you because I have a problem with you, but I’m saying this because he’s my friend. At first it was fine, but when you treat him lesser than what he deserves, I just feel like you’re being.. really selfish. It’s clear that you have your eyes on someone else. But please, Kun doesn’t do this type of shit. He’s way too naive. Poor guy thought he did something wrong.” The last sentence hits you the most, thinking about Kun probably did think that he’s the one to blame.

You sniff, nodding along Ten’s statement. “I will… I’ll talk to him.” You quietly say. Ten just looks at you before sighing, walking towards his door. As soon as his door closes, the front door opened.

“Sweet cheeks, what’re you doing?” Kun asks, seeing you standing on the doorway staring at nothingness.

You immediately wiped your tears and looked at him with a smile. “Really sad netflix movie,” you excused. Kun doubts, but chooses to stay silent. He walks two steps in front of you before giving you a warm hug like he does everytime he sees you at his apartment.

You gulp, gathering courage to actually start the conversation.

“Uh, Can we talk?” you nip at the bottom of your shirt.

“Of course, princess,” The old nickname he had somewhat felt like an assurance that he’s still the same. It lifted a bit of weight in your chest.

You sat in one of the chairs, not knowing what to do. This place was once your safe haven, now it just feels strange knowing what kind of situation you are in.

“So, uhm, I want to apologize for.. essentially cutting you off. It’s just that, uh, I’ve been–”

“You’ve been with Lee Jeno, right?” he asks, a ghost of a smile still present in his face.

“Well, yeah, but also, I didn’t know that I had that much of a relevance in your life so...” you say, honestly.

“Darling, you were everything.” he pauses. “--but I know that I’m not what you need, or what you wanted. And that’s fine. You don’t need to feel bad, it’s just how it goes.”

“But I’m here, and I promise you, that you don’t need to feel responsible about how I feel. I’ll be fine.” He smiles, like he used to, but this time you know it’s fake.

“Kun, you’re too good for me. You deserve more than me.” Your eyes start to water, but Kun never lets it drop. He caresses your cheeks for what it feels like the last time, before nodding at you.

“I know, baby.” He leaned closer, lips slowly grazing yours. As you felt it, the instinct of kissing back was swift, but Kun did not give you the chance of doing so as he pulled away.

“Don’t kiss me back, please,” he mumbled, before caressing your face for what it felt like the last time before turning away.

And just like that, you lost the man who was ready to give you everything for a man who can’t even spare you a glance.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Jeno is still out of his mind.

He had flunked out of practice, only attending a couple times out of the two weeks that he needed to attend. Barely even there, just standing and basically lifeless in the court.

His coach and his teammates already feel less secure because of Jeno’s state of mind, especially when he’s supposed to be the team’s captain. He feels like shit, truly, and he knows he should be focusing on the game. But how can he, when all he can think of is you?

His coach gave him a hard talking but even that can’t seem to shake him up. His willingness to play disappeared like it was nothing.

He’s pretty sure the entire team hates him now, and if only there’s time to replace him, they’d definitely do it, but finding a replacement, with his skills, is basically impossible. Moreso in limited time.

As soon as he enters his apartment, he throws his bag on the floor and tunnels through his room to lock himself in there. But as soon as he entered it, he was shocked to find his brother laying in his bed.

“What’re you doing here?” He asks, confused.

“Just want to know something,” Jisung says, slowly sitting up. He looks up his brother, standing in the door frame. Jeno couldn’t read his expression, but its pretty clear that he’s not happy.

“Did you sleep with y/n?”

Jeno didn’t know how to react, his eyes widened and for a while, he had nothing to say. But in the end, he knew this was bound to happen. If not you, it would be him spilling the information to his brother.

He didn’t need to say anything, and he knew the silence is more than enough for Jisung to conclude.

“She really likes you, you know? I just–” Jisung paused, “--I just don’t know why you’d sleep with her when you don’t like her back. You know she likes you, hyung. What, is this like an ego thing? She’s y/n, hyung. You know she’s different.” Jisung honestly just sounded confused and tired. He’s not angry, not upset, he comes off like he just wanted proper answers from his brother.

“Dude, just get out.” Jeno dismissed, which pissed off his younger brother more.

“Oh fuck you. You can’t even hold a conversation with your own brother? And if only it’s not y/n, I wouldn’t even waste my time. But it’s her. You know her,”

Jeno took a deep breath. “I like her too, Jisung. No, fuck, scratch that. I fucking love her.”

For a minute, it was silence. Jisung then took the initiative to talk,

“Talk to mom, hyung.”

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Jeno was sixteen, when he realized that he likes the way you smile at him.

He saw you run down the stairs and straight to the kitchen. You were at his brother’s room, for a sleepover with his brother and Chenle. He was lounging on the couch, and he didn’t bother to turn on the lights. He likes to lay in here at night, cuddling with his cat, Bongsik. He can’t let the cat into his room because of his allergies, so he just settled on the couch.

Because Bongsik was alerted of your presence, the cat follows you to the kitchen. Jeno, of course, followed in pursuit. He can still remember the cute expression you had when you discovered Bongsik on the table.

He smiles at you, struggling to get chips from the cabinet. Naturally, he grabbed it for you. You had asked if Bongsik was new, and he answered yes.

“Yep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,” He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.

He can see you almost begging with your eyes, wanting to pet the cat. So he let you. Surprisingly, Bongsik, who’s usually grumpy, purrs as soon as your hands come in contact with it.

You were so careful, and Jeno almost wants to chuckle at your meek attempt at staring at him.

A slight smile on your face was something Jeno noticed, from a close distance. He surely did not expect you to be this soft and angelic, but he thought to himself, that your smile is something he’d like to get used to.

Jeno was eighteen when he made his first mistake.

He had invited his friends over at his house. He had made some really cool friends, and he even got this girl he’s been trying to get with to tag along. Jeno feels nervous, of course, he wants to impress them.

Besides Jaemin, Haechan and Renjun, he also invites some people from the basketball team he’s trying to get into, and some girls that are part of the circle. And of course, the girl he had liked, Eunmi.

His friends encouraged him to make a move tonight, and for some dumb reason, he thought it would be romantic to bring out wine. So he went to the kitchen to do so, but got surprised when a soft voice called his name.

It was you. Your shy demeanor, and your avoiding gaze startles him but he can’t help but smile. You’re so cute.

He clears that with whatever you were gonna tell him, make it quick because someone’s waiting for him. But as soon as you open your mouth to say the next words,

“I like you. Very much.”

He feels like his feet are frozen. His heart starts to race and if only he wasn’t leaning on the counter behind him, he would definitely stumble. His grip on the wine glass tightens. He doesn’t know what to do.

The next words just came out, and he instantly regrets it.

“...I-I’m just being nice.. I have to be nice. You’re my brother’s best friend.” In a split second before Eumi interrupts the conversation, he can clearly see the pain in your eyes. The initial shock of the fact that he’s rejecting you was prominent in your face and he just wanted to take every word back at that point.

But before he could even utter another word, Eunmi decided to take over. You then quickly walked out, but before you can turn around, he sees a teardrop, and by then, he’s sure he’s made a mistake. He can’t believe he just broke your innocent heart.

Eunmi is no longer in his mind, his friends no longer his priority, the entirety of the night, you plagued his mind. He wanted to run after you, and apologize. But what exactly is it for? It’s not like he was rude. He was calm, but still, you were visibly upset.

Jeno blames himself, until the night ends, he shoots his brother a message to ask you if you were okay. He needs to know.

Jeno was twenty when he breaks his own heart for the first time.

He can’t believe his eyes. He doesn’t know which emotion he should feel, the anger that slowly builds up upon seeing you entering the party with Jungwoo, or the adoration to seeing you looking that good in your mini dress.

You had walked in with the confidence he failed to notice before, with Jungwoo’s arm around your waist. He clenches his fist, but soon he gets caught in his own mind when his girlfriend of two weeks leans over to him.

The train of thought he had was still there, however, he was forced to pretend like everything’s fine. Although he can’t look at you in the eye, when he can certainly feel your gaze time to time.

What he can’t absolutely avoid tho, is his eyes on Jungwoo’s touches. Since when did you let a random man touch you like that?

More so, a man like Jungwoo? Much older than you, and he doesn’t remember Jungwoo and you ever be in the same vicinity as each other. Why are you so comfortable with him already?

Green doesn’t suit Jeno. So he tries to focus on the girl beside him. But mentally, he counts the shots that was given to you. Too many, and if the situation is different, he’d take those shots and shove it up Jungwoo’s ass.

But as soon as you stood up, his quick reaction was to follow you.

All he can think about is you getting out of here.

“Find Chenle. Now.” He groaned, despite his anger, he doesn’t like yelling at you.

What you did next was unexpectable.

You had tried to kiss him.

His reflex was to push you, and that, he did. His demeanor changes, and everything that falls from his lips after that was a blur to him.

One thing’s clear, the look in your eyes. You were so defeated, but Jeno didn’t let it affect him. He was blinded by anger, and the fact that you’re so drunk that you’d kiss just anyone. Not to mention a man that has a girl! What has gotten into you?

“Are you that desperate? I rejected you already, didn’t I? I will never look at you different than being my brother’s best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while I’m being nice.” Lies after lies after lies.

He was completely out of his mind when he said that to you.

And when you cried in front of him, he felt his own heart break. Every tear is equivalent to a stab right through his chest.

Right there and then, he wanted to beg for your forgiveness. Say that everything wasn’t true, that he doesn’t think you were desperate. Hell, he would kiss you back if you’d let him.

But all those hope was thrown away when you left. Because what’s left was this strange, terrifying feeling that somehow, this was the last straw for you.

And Jeno despises himself for causing you pain, over and over. He curses at his own self for being so coward.

“Hey Jen, how are you?” His mom’s voice was enthusiastic as ever. Even over the phone, he can hear the smile in her face.

He thinks he should be honest. “Not good,”

“Aw, is it your practice? Don’t worry darling, just a few more months and you’ll be graduating!” He smiles at his mother’s sweet voice of anticipation, he can just imagine the tiny claps she does.

“No, mom. I—“ He closes his eyes in frustration. “I have to talk to you about something,”

“What is it? Is it your brother? About y/n?” Her tone changes, now sounding concerned.

Jeno curses mentally, because of how quick his mom mentioned you.

“It’s about y/n,” he says lowly, testing the waters for a bit.

He hears a deep sigh, “I called her a week ago and she’s been real distant from me, Jen. Anything I should know?”

“Mom,” He almost whines. He just wants to spill it out.

“What? You’re worrying me. Is our y/n okay? God, she’s been out of control, hasn’t she?” The concern is now intensified, and Jeno thinks he should just spit it out. But his tongue can’t seem to say it.

“She.. she’s fine.”

“Good gracious, okay. I thought something had happened. Her mother must be frowning at me from heaven right now. Still remember your promise to your Auntie, right?”

Bingo. The very reason as to why he can’t just say it. Why he can’t just be with you already. It’s because of this god forsaken promise that he made.

“You need to be a big brother to her, treat her as your sister. She has nothing but us now, Jeno.”

He almost cries, he just wanted to yell. He felt as though he failed his mother, your mother and you. He shouldn’t be feeling this emotion towards you. This harbored feelings are forbidden. He can’t. He just… can’t.

He lets his eyes get warmer, gripping in his phone harshly. He takes a huge, deep breath.

“Mom, I love her. So much. I- I can’t… I can’t keep on hurting her and pretending that I only look at her as a sister.” He pleads, finally letting it known. There’s no turning back.

Silence was deafening on the other line. Every millisecond, he can feel his heartbeat race.

“Jeno, we’ve talked about this.”

“I love her, mom. I do, I really do.” He cries, for the first time in a long time.

“She’s your sis—“

“She’s not! God, she’s your best friend’s daughter, I know that but I’m not her older brother. I’m a person that truly loves her. I have loved her for so many years but I keep on h—“

“Jeno, hush, darling. I understand… but she’s our family. If all these feelings get old and you decide you don’t love her anymore, who will she turn to? Not us, darling because at the end of the day, we’re your family. I’m just… worried about her, she has… no one to turn to if this all blows up.” His mother’s response, despite the rise of emotion, was still calm and soft.

“I won’t, mom. Please, just let me love her. I can’t keep hurting her, mom, It kills me.” Jeno never begged this much. Just for you. His only exception.

His mother pauses, way too long, before finally breathing out again. “Okay, darling. I trust you. But please. I beg you, not to hurt her. We’re all that she’s got.”

Jeno whips his head up, baffled as to how easy she agreed to him. A little to no persuasion, and it didn’t even take ten minutes.

“What? J-just like that?” Jeno questions in disbelief. Years of yearning, years of hurting you, when Jeno could just do this early on?

His mom, regardless of the moment, managed to let out a breathy chuckle.

“Darling, you’ve proven yourself over the years. Me and your Dad had an inkling that you have a special admiration for Y/n ever since before. Its just unfortunate that her mother had to pass, and had asked us a favor— more to you, to look after Y/N like your own sibling. And when you agreed, I felt like it’s just how it goes. But years of seeing you pretend to not care about her, and seeing you struggle to cope with your feelings, I knew then that you were serious.”

“Me and your Dad realized that our eldest, really, has grown up to be a man. And seeing you still have the same passion and the same feelings towards her until now, says that you’d stop at nothing at this point. So what’s the use of preventing you?”

And with that, Jeno was free. Free of constraint, of guilt and control over his own will and feelings.

Like a baby, Jeno falls asleep with tears in his eyes. In complete satisfaction on how things went. Now, his only problem is getting to you, and begging for your forgiveness. Wishing by then, you’d still want him.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

Jeno didn’t waste his time. As soon as the morning comes, he’s fast on his feet. He wants to talk to you, he wants to clear everything up. He had tried to text and call, but he quickly realized you blocked his number.

He called his brother next, but Jisung also has not heard from you since yesterday.

It wasn’t until 5pm that he couldn’t find you, he started to worry. None of your friends know where you are, and you’re not in your apartment either.

He contacted every possible soul that could even have a hint on where you’re at, but none of them knows.

He feels like he’s running out of time, running out of momentum.

And just as soon as he was about to call for help, he received a message.

[5:32pm] unknown number

she’s at dreamscape hill. she likes going there to ease her mind. take care of her, please. -k

He didn’t care to ask who it was, he just prayed that whoever sent him this message was right.

And off to dreamscape hill, Jeno goes.

He can barely catch his breath when he arrived, heart pounding at his chest. It was past sundown when he found you sitting at the bench, on top of the hill.

It’s you. He’s sure it’s you. To the curves of your shoulder, to the waves of your hair. Call it creepy, but he spent years looking at your back, from afar, forbidden to even glance at you when you’re close. So yes, he’s a hundred percent sure that it’s you.

He’s a few feet behind you, when he noticed the earphones you had on. Probably why you didn’t hear the ruffling of the twigs and leaves as he walked closer.

And in divine timing, you look back at your shoulder, looking straight at Jeno’s eyes, as if it made sense why he’s here.

Slowly, you pull the earphones out.

“What’re you doing here?” You ask, almost a whisper. But the city in front of you gave him enough silence to hear every breath you take.

“Finding you,” he answers. He struggles to keep his words straight, the thumping in his chest causing him to stutter.

You blink thrice, seems like you’re still processing Jeno’s answer.

“Why?”

Jeno took a couple step, and finally he sat beside you. he looked forward at the cityscape. He took note of your body language, it seems to him that you’re starting to get nervous.

“To tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took this long for me to find you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry that I wasted years, and I’m so sorry I lied.” Jeno says every word with great diction, in perfect pace and clear voice. He wants you to understand every word that he says.

He hears you let out a huff, as if in disbelief. His heart went even more faster, scared on what you might say.

He’s never anticipated an answer like this before. He never had to grip at his own knees in nervousness before. He can’t even look at your expression.

“I think we’re past that, Jeno.”

This is what he’s afraid of. He might be too late, he might fuck this up. Nevertheless, he’ll never regret trying.

“I know that I’m years too late but you need to understand—“

“I don’t need to understand nothing. What I need is to just live my life, love my life. I have spent years yearning for you, let me love myself too. I think I’ve loved you since I met you, Jeno. I just mistook it for curiosity. Everyone else isn’t you, and turns out that’s a huge problem for me.” Jeno can hear you smile, and when he finally let himself take a look, he softens.

You’re smiling like you used to smile. You’re smiling like you again.

“That’s because we thought we could alter fate, and tell me I’m batshit crazy for believing but I can prove to you that we’re just… soulmates, y/n. Y-you’re meant for me as much as I am for you.” These are some words Jeno never thought he would use. The things you make him do.

You chuckle again, while shaking your head. Do you find it ridiculous? Do you think Jeno is joking? Are you finding all of these insufferable? God, Jeno wished he could read you.

“We are not soulmates, Jeno. This is not some divine intervention, and shit, this is not fate. I wanted this. I knit the threads of my destiny until it spelled your name. I love you intentionally, Jeno. It’s not the stars and the heavens that brought us together. I did.”

Jeno was speechless. He could not utter a single word, he felt like he had no right to dictate you about what you feel. He’s ashamed, because what you said was right. You made him feel this, because of your desire for him, you made him fall. And damn it, he fell hard.

“It’s like you filled my lungs with flowers, although they are pretty, it made it hard for me to breathe. That's how much I wanted you.”

“Y/n, I will apologize to you forever if you wanted me to. Just… just please, let me have my chance.” Jeno begged like he never did before. He let his emotions out, and all for you. Because you deserve it. You deserve the real him.

Slowly, he felt your hand on his clenched fist, instantly letting it loose. He took the opportunity to lace your fingers together. It felt right, like your hand always belonged intertwined with his.

“If I took this chance with you, that would be the knife that would slit my own fucking throat, Jeno. And you know what’s funny? I’d probably apologize for bleeding in your shirt.”

“So let me have this time for myself, Jeno. And just like the old saying, time will tell. And if we find each other without even looking, then that’s when I’ll believe in that fate you were talking about.”

As your grip in his hand loosens, he felt like this was the first and last time he’ll get to hold your hand. He wanted to be selfish and not let you go, but he knows he’d be cruel to do that.

So he didn’t move. “I’ll see you around,” you say.

“I’ll find you,” he whispered, to you, to himself, and to whoever who’s listening. Let it be the heavens, or the devil in hell. He whispered to anybody, because he knows he’ll do it, and he wants everyone to stand witness to this promise.

“Sure you will,”

And in every step you made, as your body slowly walks away, you took his heart with you. Its yours, anyway. He’ll just have to find you to have it back.

୧ ‧₊˚ ☆

“Lee Jeno! Lee Jeno! Lee Jeno!”

The screams from the bleachers never seemed to falter, only getting louder each time.

The band is on full blast, people running around down the court as soon as the last whistle of the game went off.

Jeno had won the much awaited game against the SKU, with a whopping 73 points under his belt, making it the first time in his school’s history to earn that many points, by a single player, in one game.

This just solidified his reputation, being named the greatest player that had ever stepped foot on this campus.

And to make this game, even more legendary than it already is, it’s the last game of the season before Jeno graduates. So he’s literally going out with a bang with this one.

His teammates celebrated the win, begging Jeno to go the the victory party. For the first time, Jeno refused to attend a victory party. Much more, a victory he made happen.

He walked past the girls that’s lining up to take a picture with him, immediately walking straight back to the lockers.

He shoots a text at Renjun, informing his friend that he’ll head home, instead of attending the party.

He was about to turn to his locker, when his name was called by a familiar voice.

Jeno looked back, and to his disappointment, it’s Jennie.

“Why haven’t you answered my calls? It’s been months, Jeno! You can’t just..” Jennie couldn’t even finish her sentence, stomping her feet like a toddler.

Yes. It has been months since he blocked every girl that he had ever slept with.

Three months, thirteen days, and twenty-one hours, to be exact.

“My team’s gonna be here soon. You don’t want me to embarrass you in front of them, trust me.” Jeno’s threat was casual, but he’s serious enough for Jennie to take the hint.

“B-but, Jen, it's me.” Jennie’s voice turns softer, making Jeno cringe at the tone. She then tried to touch his shoulder, but Jeno was quick to dodge.

“Exactly. You’re you, Jennie. And I don’t like you.”

The girl was aghast, to say the least. Her mouth wide open in disbelief. Taking Jeno’s advice, albeit with offense, she stomps her way out of the lockers.

Just as he said, his teammates started flocking in, with his coach holding the trophy. He lost count on how many pats in the back he received after the game. The repetitive congratulatory messages are starting to grow old.

“Are you really not coming? You’re literally the man of the year, dude. Everybody’s gonna be looking for you!” Sungchan, one of his teammates says.

“Nope,” Jeno says with a pop.

“Come on, this’ll probably the last victory party you’ll ever have!” Yangyang joins in, but Jeno just shrugged his shoulders.

“Sorry, dude. I got a thesis paper due in two days.”

A plethora of complains, grunts and ‘what?!’s came pouring in after his statement, but Jeno stood his ground.

Jeno was serious. He needs to study for his thesis paper, and pass it on time. His professor expects him to match his academics to his basketball career, and he doesn’t want to disappoint.

Before the commotion gets even more wild, and before Jeno gets kidnapped into attending the party, he swiftly bids farewell to his coach, the only person that mattered to him. His coach just shook his head and gave him a nod, before letting him go.

“You did well, kid.”

Jeno heads through the parking lot. He had been stopped by students every ten seconds therefore his usual 4 minute walk to his car ended up being 30 minutes.

He starts up the engine, but before taking off, he checks some of his messages.

[8:43pm] dong(yuck!): congratulations, lebron ‘lee jeno’ james! the game was so cool dude u look good throwing balls lol btw im staying at my girls hauz. also ur welcome. also enjoy. lolz

[8:54pm] jaemjaem: dude that game!!! ur on FIRE my guy!! pls pls apply for nba so i can watch courtside with kanye west :D im out rn and i wont be home til tmrw. ur welcome ;)

[8:59] jisung: great game couldve been better tho… anyways… wrap it b4 u tap it!!!

[9:02pm] injunnie <3: game was lit. didnt understand shit abt the game but u did good. im spending the night @ my moms so u better make it worth it, lee jeno.

Jeno’s breath hitches, and before he could even question the hints his roommates are giving him, another ping notifies his phone.

[9:04pm] unknown number: hi. im at urs. can we talk?

Jeno knows not to speed, but tonight, he swears his tires didn’t even touch the concrete. He is flying off the highway.

With sweaty palms, he enters the security code to his door. Hands shaking, he opens it up and with the sight of a woman’s shoes on his doorstep, he takes a deep breath.

“I hope you don’t mind, it was Jaemin’s idea to let me in without telling you. Uh, so if you’re not—“

“Y/n,” he gulps as he takes in your figure, standing in the middle of his kitchen.

“Yeah.. it’s me.” You smile tightly, shrugging your shoulders.

Even though Jeno was ready to leap and drown you in his embrace, he stood his ground. He’s still not sure why you’re here, and until you say so, he’s not moving. The last thing he wants to do is push your boundaries.

“What’re— what are you—” He feels stupid. Stuttering like a five year old in front of you.

“Figured we could talk. Jisung and Chenle got sick of me moping around so they made me—“

“I hope you’re not being forced to talk to me. I told you, I’ll wait. No matter how long,” The sincerity laced in his voice was prominent.

“I promise you, I went here in my own will. Two idiots just talked some sense into me, and Jisung told me about the promise you made my mom years ago.”

Then there was silence. But this time, it wasn’t deafening. It was peaceful. Its as if you two are finding serenity in each others presence and just the way you stare at each other already says the words your mouth couldn’t speak.

But Jeno cut it short. “Does this mean..”

“I want to try, Jeno. I want to experience this with you. Slowly, at our own pace. I want to go on dates. Carnivals. Watch netflix. Everything, with you.” There's a tinge of shyness in your voice, and Jeno just wants you to scream it out. You don’t need to shy away from him.

“Everything, with me. At your own pace. I’ll accept everything you can offer,” He assured your worried mind.

You nod gently. “I want to feel loved without feeling like I’m begging for it,”

Jeno shakes his head vigorously, “No, baby, you’ll never beg to be loved, ever again. I swear in my grave.” He takes one step closer.

“I’ll trust you and risk getting my heart broken again, but I really hope you won’t.”

One more step closer “I will never. Baby, you’re it for me. I didn’t know it before, but I should’ve known it was you, because no one else made sense.”

You nod again, biting your lip. “When I visited my mom, I told her about you,”

“Yeah?” Jeno asks, in a sweet tone, taking another step closer.

You smiled at him. “I bet she would trust you too,”

“I will not break her trust. Not again,”

He watches carefully as you raise your hand to cup his cheeks, his reaction was to lean into your touch. He takes your initiative as a signal, but still takes his movement slowly.

You gulp, looking up at him. “Can you love me now?”

“Oh, baby. I have loved you since forever. It just took me time to realize it.”

And then, as you tiptoe to match his height, he feels your lips on him and he swears that you taste like heaven.

Jeno didn’t remember how long you talked that night, but somewhere in the midst of your laughter and smiles, he decided that he would destroy the world for you.

Because you might not know it, but in every universe, in every lifetime, and in every story, Jeno has always been completely, madly, and inevitably yours.

A/N: From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for making you guys wait this long. I promise, it just happened to be my worst year ever :'(( but at least she's here! I just wish this could at least be worth it. Tune in for the next part (I promise, it would NOT take this long lmao)

taglist: @cutiepeas @legbouk @hyuckissed @bockhyun @hibernatinghamster @shookyungsoo @sundamariis @sharkipoonis @ohmykwonsoonyoung @carelessshootanonymous @glamourizz

[chandra-nalaar]

i have so many feelings about grammar, and i just took my adderall for the first time in months, so, you know what that means: tumblr essay.

disclaimer: i know everything i have ever said on here is incorrect grammar. i dont care. you should hear how i talk in real life. i'm absolutely freestyling the english language. this rant isn't going to be grammatically correct at all, because this is tumblr. so. ^^ disclaimer.

i think that younger millennials and gen z are being done a great disservice by not being taught the difference in the colloquial way that we write on social media or in a casual setting, vs formal writing. and it's not elitism (though, in a lot of ways, vernacular vs formal speech is rooted in classism, but that's a different issue and not what i'm talking about), it's about expressing what you're trying to say in a way that can be best understood by the reader. i struggle with this also, and i think a lot of spoonies and autists struggle with this as well; just being understood, and grammar and advanced vocabulary shouldn't be an obstacle to overcome to be understood, but instead a tool to help you best express yourself through words. and i care about that a LOT.

i know one thing that is really frustrating for me is when i'm trying to explain something to someone, and i just don't have to words to say it, or i can't phrase it in such a way to make them understand. that's why people disregard the opinions of people who sound uneducated; not only do people assume you aren't intelligent, but they can't really understand what you're trying to express; when really, you can be very intelligent and still not have the words to say what you're trying to say. a lack of language skills doesn't indicate a lack of reasoning skills. for most of my life people have treated me like i'm stupid because the way i talk is kind of funny; i use really weird phrasing sometimes, i have a lisp and i stutter, i ramble trying to find the right words, sometimes my brain just works a little different due to my disability. and it makes me sound pretty stupid.

its especially hard having ADHD (and maybe autism) and trying to express myself through words because not only do people misunderstand and misinterpret me so frequently (SO frequently), but also, it's difficult for me to read. it's just hard for me to read, period, and the way you understand how to use language and grow your vocabulary is through reading. so...you see my issue.

so i can't talk right, and i can't read, and so for years i thought, maybe i just am stupid. so....that's why learning how to effectively use language is really empowering to me.

i was lucky to go to a really amazing college and study writing with some really amazing teachers (i switched my minor from creative writing to art history, so although i did study art history, most of my writing education relates to academic and editorial writing. if that wasnt...obvious) and its frustrating to think that our education system really doesn't value liberal arts compared to STEM (and i honestly don't remember my high school caring about STEM much either) because now we have a whole generation of young people who dont know how to read and write, and it's not an issue of classism, i'm not saying they don't know how to speak right, the issue is that now a whole generation has been robbed of the ability to express themselves through words and say what they want to say and be understood.

so i think that learning grammar and vocabulary and how to use language isn't necessarily elitist and classist (although some people act that way), instead i think it's empowering for people. hopefully that makes sense. and that's why i'm so worried about how illiterate late gen z and gen alpha are and how they're just not being taught language skills.

also, this came out of a conversation about fanfiction, so, yeah, i'm looking at you, tumblr

me and @night-unfurls-its-splendour talked about how much we love grammar for almost two hours last night.

[apompkwrites]

Aster Anon here with another brainrot! This is more so personal headcanons and oc material, as the black sheep are intended to be us, therefore vary. Sheep 7 Best Classes and Clubs !

Lil Heart![Name]

Club: SCIENCE

Trey gets the opportunity to break down Lil RoseHeart's character. Plus imagining Rook going on energetic rants while Lil RoseHearts is confused is funny.

Best Subject: DEFENSE MAGIC

Riddle's best subject is Practical Magic. And what better way to symbolize their relationship than making their best subject opposites? Plus I feel like “Defense” fits them since they are a “take it all, don’t fight back.” kind of person.

Older Rose![Name]

Club: BAND

I was going to say equestrian but Riddle is there- so… They’re going with Papa Lilia, Kalim and Cater. I think that would be a really cool quartet!

Best Subject: Ancient Curses

I think it fits their rebellious personality well. I can also see them studying this instead of the material their mother intended.

Young Kingscholar![name]

Club: BASKETBALL

Just imagine Kingscholar![name] interacting with one of the most chaotic clubs. Floyd, Ace, and Jamil. It would be such a comedic group. I can also see them getting into more athletic clubs.

Best Subject: Animal Languages

Ruggie has this as one of his best subjects. And [Name] kinda had experiences with hyenas , sooooo. Match that up, and we get a cute scenario of the outland kids teaching [name] how to speak ant or sm.

Lil Ashen![name]

Club: BOARD GAME CLUB

Let's be fr, Azul and Lil Ashen don’t have a bad relationship. It's just circumstances that make it seem like so., I imagine Little Ashen joining the same club to ensure Azul’s doing okay, plus I think they’d have fun!

Best Subject: Magical Potions

Don’t ask. It just seems fitting. Plus Azul’s best is alchemy so it's a nice pairing.

Lil Asim![name]

Club: FILM STUDIES

Little Asim’s yearning to be recognized shines through here! On the extra tidbits, Vil runs this club. And Asim and Vil would make an excellent duo with how contrasted they are to one another.

Best Subject: Astrology

Don’t question me on this. I just know.

Lil Schoenheit![name]

Club: FILM STUDIES

This is probably the saddest one to me. But I imagine Vil forcing Lil Schoenheit to join it because he wants to.. help them get better at acting.

Best Subject: Magic Analysis

Again, I just know. A more angsty reason would be because they felt like they had (even if nobody was forcing it upon them) to analyze magic in television or documents to make their performance better.

Lil Shroud![name]

Club: MOUNTAIN LOVERS

Okay, canonically Jade doesn’t have any club members- but…. This is fanfiction so :P. I think it's funny because Idia is such a shut-in, and I like the idea of Lil Shroud wanting to go out and make friends, and just really enjoy nature. Then Shroud!name and Jade would be SO fun to see.

Best Subject: Conjuration

:( . . . (just like their older brother)

Lil Draconia![name]

Club: MAGISHIFT/SPELL DRIVE

This is so comedic and so fitting at the same time. I feel like Lil Draco would choose this because it's athletic and evolves using magic (so they can prove themselves.) and the fact LEONA is the club leader, Malleus’ enemy is SO funny. Like Leona legit going to Malleus like, “I stole your sibling overgrown lizard.”

Plus, I think Ruggie, and Epel would be an awesome pair for Lil Draco.

Best Subject: History of Magic

A personal headcanon of mine is Lil Draco loves hearing stories from elders, or reading stuff off the internet. So I can see them studying and reading books about world history! And they’re fae, so it makes sense all the while.

hihi aster anon :D

cute cute lil hcs for your versions of the black sheep :))

just the duality between rook and lil rose plus the middle man trey ajsdkhsjd. and then lil rose being able to use defense magic??

versus older rosehearts who just did anything to defy ms. rosehearts? like doing band but instruments that aren't formal or anything? and then learning ancient curses? imagine them trying to use them on ms. rosehearts qakjwdshak

ugh just imagine lil kingscholar throwing a basketball at the elders. healing moment fr. hhh and then just thinking about nuru, jabali, and jabori all teaching lil kingscholar animal languages :OO my heart hhhh

mmm lil asim being good at astrology D: maybe because they spent so long watching kalim and one of their lil siblings go on magic carpet rides in the middle of the night ;-;

[gonzo-rella]

Headcanons: Dating Frankie Dart

MASTERLIST | AO3 | KO-FI

Requested by: Anon

can i get some general dating hcs for frankie dart please? theres like no fanfic for her and i love the way you write!

Relationship(s): Frankie Dart x gn!reader (romantic)

Warnings: None! (Let me know if I need to add any)

(A/N: As Anon said, there’s pretty much no Frankie fanfic out there, so I’m going to try to change that. Feel free to send in any and all Frankie requests! On a semi-unrelated note, I’m such a simp for Paget Brewster that I might start watching Criminal Minds just for her. Well, her and Garcia; Garcia’s cute too. And, yes, I’ve read so much Criminal Minds fanfiction despite having never watched it. If you want me to start watching Criminal Minds so I can write for it, let me know. I’ve been meaning to watch it for ages and I’ll probably watch it if I get peer pressured into it.)

When Frankie developed feelings for you, she asked you out almost immediately.

She was so straightforward, calm and collected when asking you out that it was impressive...and perhaps a little too reminiscent of a business transaction.

“Y/N, I’m attracted to you. Romantically. However, if you’re not attracted to me, I understand. A response would be appreciated.”

“Uh...sure, I like you too.”

“Great. I’ll get us reservations at Olive Garden for 7 PM this Friday.” 

Frankie’s the kind of girlfriend who will also function as your very own human calendar.

You have an appointment at some point that day?

You can bet she’ll send you a reminder via text before even sending you a ‘good morning’ text.

Your friend’s birthday is coming up?

She’ll remind you a few days prior so you don’t forget to buy a present and card.

Speaking of, she’d never forget any important dates, such as your birthday, your anniversary etc.

If you’re a fan of parties, she’ll definitely organise one for any of those things, even if she herself prefers the organisation over the actual party.

Her love language is, without a doubt, acts of service. 

If she finds out something in your apartment is broken, she’ll get it repaired ASAP.

If you’re tired after a long day at work, she’ll make you dinner.

Whether or not you’re a Greendale student or a member of the Study Group, she’d prefer to keep your relationship under wraps for as long as possible, mostly hiding it from those at Greendale.

If you’re not a Greendale student, Annie would probably find out about you through some “light internet...stalking” as she put it.

If you are a Greendale student, hiding your relationship from Jeff, Annie, Britta, Abed and the others would be no easy feat. They’d definitely find out about it within a few months.

Frankie isn’t that big of a fan of PDA, nor is she very affectionate in general. 

Still, she’ll be affectionate occasionally if it makes you happy, and she’s comfortable with you being affectionate to her.

When you’re interested in and passionate about something, she’ll definitely research it until she’s almost as knowledgeable about it as you.

She also likes getting into things with you, such as learning a knew skill with you.

Frankie remembers almost every little detail about you, and it often surprises you because most of those things are things you mentioned in passing and don’t even remember telling her.

Frankie’s incredible at reading you. 

When she realises something’s wrong, her immediate response will be to try to fix the problem.

If/when she realises there’s not much she can do to solve the problem itself, she will, instead, do her best to comfort you.

She’ll get you your favourite snacks, put on your favourite show or movie(s), grab a blanket and do basically anything that she knows will make you feel even just a tad better.

Despite being a fairly realistic person, Frankie would adore and perhaps even idealise you, but definitely not to a point where you could ever let her down.

To her, you are the best person in the world.

You’re not some divine being or anything like that; you’re you, and that’s enough to make Frankie fall head-over-heels in love with you.

[gayregis]

right away sorry if this gets too ranty I've just been Thinking lately and i feel like twn is such a good example of like. this idea that Real and Good film and television can only be made by Hollywood i guess? like there's even this polish saying that roughly translates to "you praise the foreign and don't know your own" which gets made fun of a lot but also. it's very true imo. like i still wonder what could've been if actual good polish filmmakers were entrusted with making a new witcher (1/?

and it would've been such a good opportunity for like. one showcasing that there Can be good art and entertainment made locally and two some genuine cultural exchange. like i know its too big of an idea for Capitalism™ but if there was a well made polish-language show on international Netflix like. idk i feel like maybe that could spark some interest in like broadening peoples horizons and changing their views on what fantasy looks like etc and its just frustrating that there wasnt even a chance

i really agree. i have been dreaming recently about what my ideal "visual adaptation" of the witcher would look like, and what i've come up with essentially is something like the polish audiodramas set to 2D animation by fans of the witcher. subs, not dubs, i guess?

audiodramas

gilthoniel1173 on youtube has uploaded many select clips of the audiodramas, translated them and set them to pictures. amazing work and i highly recommend this.

i really value the majority of sapkowski's prose, though there are faults with the witcher, his prose really has a marvelous quality to it and i am trying to think of a way to keep this intact. something like the audiodramas in which there are narration may be the best way to go, with subtitles so that

animation

it's the sort of thing i think about like, hey, if i had netflix's budget (approx. $70 to $80 million, [dies]), how would i make the witcher adaptation?

disclaimer: i hesitated to @ artists because i feel like it sends the message that i am saying, "hey you, specifically, should do this idea for free, also btw, i only see you as a witcher fanartist and nothing more :)" this is not my intention, what i want to do here is just want to bring light to these artists in the community and the work they have done, both witcher-related and original work (and i hope that i am in no way defining them as 'only-witcher' artists). additionally, this is in no way suggesting that i don't want to involve any artists i did not mention or that i do not adore the work of other artists in the witcher fandom, these are just the immediate two i think of when i think of animating the witcher.

i imagine it in the style of @paticmak , @astrolunos , @johix because they have done just such gorgeous art of the witcher... <3 (i hope everyone reading knows of these artists already, but if you do not, please check out their work and support!)

paticmak's cherry vodka, an original animation which you should watch: [x]

paticmak's witcher fanart: [x]

astrolunos' animations, including geralt and ciri from sword of destiny and yennefer and ciri from blood of elves: [x]

astrolunos' witcher fanart: [x]

johix's jadýrko, an original interactive story which you should check out: [x] [x]

johix's art (some ship and ns/fw): [x]

specific witcher pieces from these artists that i think about:

[paticmak / "The witcher drawings redraws and sketches"]

[astrolunos / slavic-inspired outfits]

[astrolunos / "yen and ciri’s room, ellander"]

[johix / geralt and dandelion at beltane (ship)]

other major inspirations in my dreams of this:

studio ghibli movies (spirited away and howl's moving castle)

independent animators like felix colgrave (double king)

laika studio animations (kubo and the two strings)

gobelins studio (sundown)

embracing the roots, introducing diversity

my main point in this section is that i believe the polish & eastern european culture of the witcher is essential to it, at the same time i also value diversity and uplifting people of color. i do not believe that these two concepts are in conflict with one another! a discussion simply needs to be held, which is something that netflix did not do because it had few eastern european voices on the set, and kept the voices of color it did have down.

something netflix failed to do is acknowledge the witcher's cultural origins... at all. really, at all. in the writing, in the dialogue, in the set design, in the character and fashion design... and they had the opportunity to do this. this is massively disappointing and thoughtless.

my goal would be to bring polish & other eastern european writers who are fans of the witcher to work through the prose to tell the story. i would also like to have female and lgbt voices in this because the witcher has some elements that are...! disconcerting, let's just say. as we saw with lauren, having a woman in charge doesn't immediately make things not misogynist anymore, somehow she added to the misogyny of the witcher. but i think this is still a step in the right direction. additionally, this writing process would NOT look like writing fanfiction. it would really be going through and working with the artists and translating the prose, deciding what should be kept and what should be left out (some things like forest gramps should be left out, wouldn't you agree?).

new scenes could be added, but they would just have to be done for a reason. i believe the 2002 hexer did this somewhat-successfully in scenes such as this one, in which they develop relationships between characters just that little bit more and add to the pathos of the witcher (which is quite direct and does not "loiter" upon many things!)

i would also really value the voices of set designers, fashion historians, food historians, and cultural anthropologists who are from + study poland & eastern europe because i believe the history and culture should be integrated into the witcher and appreciated, demonstrated in a positive and celebratory light to the world, without doing so in a cultural appropriation-like manner (in which elements are just taken without any knowledge of where they are from and what context they hold). also, yes, the witcher is not a historical fantasy - but its setting is inspired by history and it would be rewarding to see a visual fantasy universe that is not based in english culture!

i think the witcher community is really vast and holds many opinions... this is both a good and bad thing, because "the witcher fandom" includes both people of color and like, white supremacists. i will say that i wouldn't want the latter working on the project, just saying. i would like to see designs of color for the cast of the witcher (i have done a few but hesitated to post them, lol) and sensitivity readings, NOT just diversity for views like netflix performed, but diversity that empowers, makes sense, and isn't "people of color are in this, they are either white-passing or just there to support the white characters." ... i also would like to think about how we approach diversity, as in, designs/casting of color should not be relegated to insignificant or evil characters, the good protagonists could be people of color. i would also like to think about and avoid problematic tropes such as when white characters in a media teach and "civilize" a young person of color, or when "monsters" or non-human characters are cast as people of color... i think people of color should be given roles in which they are in control, powerful, desirable, and good. we need to think about the message we send. in the end, my goal would be "genuine cultural exchange" as you said.

additionally: i think involving jewish and indigenous (broad terms, but i mean them to be broad) voices specifically in conversations about writing would be significant because sapkowski made some decisions in the witcher which can come off as offensive to these groups in particular (regarding the parts of the story about elves, dwarves, gnomes, dryads, and specific characters such as yennefer and regis).

music

honestly, not many thoughts here! can we really get any better than the soundtrack of the witcher 3? cdpr has many faults, but their music is not one of them in my opinion.

afterthoughts

i was displeased to learn that alik sakharov left twn because of not being appreciated and instead being fought on his writing, but i feel a project like this would actually value input like his instead of kicking him out and citing "creative differences"

what is really the most significant thing to me is good writing and ciri's relationship with her parents, because i believe these being taken away is one of the things which was most painful about netflix's "adaptation."

[captainderyn]

Fictober Day 2: “You Have No Proof” [I Was Lost Without You]

Day 2: “You have no proof”

Category: Fanfiction

Fandom: Mass Effect (specifically Mass Effect 1)

Pairing: Garrus/Female Shepard

Rating: Teen & Up

Warnings: Swearing

AO3 Link: HERE

—

“You have no proof.”

The words rang through Ryn’s head. She felt her body as if from far away, the world dropping away from beneath her feet.

No proof? She drew in a ragged breath, her shoulders tensing up. Garrus let out a low grumble while she felt more than heard Liara draw herself up in indignation.

Her nails dug into her palms, clasped together in parade rest, hard enough to make her flinch. The way she cocked her head was breaking form at best, damn near insubordinate at worst.

“With all due respect,” she said cooley, nothing near respect anywhere in her voice, “I lost a friend to find this information. I’ve seen it, spoken to it, and you tell me there’s no proof?”

Ashley’s face flashed painfully through her mind, those last moments haunting her years. She let out a shaking breath through her nose, posture locking up. Not here, not now—reliving it could wait until later.

Instead she lifted her chin high and fixed frigid grey eyes on all three counselors. None of them made any move to validate her claims. Instead they just frowned condescending, infuriating frowns down at her.

“You don’t believe me.” She said flatly. Lips twisting together, she bit back a scoff, “We’re facing war and you don’t believe me? At all?”

The Asari councilor lifted her delicate shoulders and offered Ryn a pitying look, “Commander, we cannot believe claims and visions. Saren is a threat that cannot be denied, but Reapers?” she laughed, “They’re myths.”

Both Garrus and Liara made moves to step forward, their voices mixing together in an angry buzz. Ryn snapped her head to the side, growling with a ferocity she would regret later, “Stand down.”

Perhaps it was a past habit, but she swore she heard Garrus murmur, “Yes ma’am.”

He’d never deferred to her in that manner. They’d always treated each other as friends—respecting her command when it mattered, yes, but the use of such military language on her left a bad taste in her mouth.

“Is my career not enough to earn me even a bit of trust?” she ground out. Ten years dedicated to the Alliance. The merit of her leadership mirrored her rank. The Blitz that preceded her name?

Risking her life and the life of her crew just to be told it wasn’t real was what that all accumulated to?

The Council hummed and hawed and denied her claims until she was numb to her, a statue with grinding teeth until her jaw ached.

“Yes, this is all for the best,” Udina set up beside her and Ryn snapped from her haze.

“Excuse me?”

Udina held up a placating hand and placed it on Ryn’s shoulder. Pitying, conniving—Ryn’s arm twitched, nearly breathing her form to smack his hand away. Only training kept her steady.

“While you’ve done magnificent work to find Saren, we don’t know if you are of…fitness…to continue as you are right now. You’re sowing such fear, Commander, causing instability. As of right now, your position as a Spectre is suspended and we’re grounding the SSV Normandy.”

Motherfucker, traitorous back-stabbing snake, son of a bitch—

Ryn hissed, “Don’t you dare Udina.” She whipped her eyes to the Council, “Please you can’t do this—let me go after Saren, Sovereign, anything. We can go in alone, we don’t need resources. Please.”

Loathing burned through her begging to keep her ship, begging to keep her ability to do something.

Loathing carried her through the rest of the encounter until she sat alone aboard the Normandy, back to her equipment locker. The very equipment locker whose contents sat neatly backed in a box in front of her.

They were trying to kick them out of the Normandy. Offering up half priced housing on the Citadel until they found other accommodations.

Ryn thumped her head back against the locker, clenching her fists together, “Fuck!”

“That about sums up this mess, doesn’t it?” Ryn startled, slamming her head back into the locker as she jumped. She swore again, one hand cradling her head and the other throwing out a half-assed biotic field.

Garrus stumbled backwards, catching himself on one of the bolted down mess chairs.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Shepard.” He said apologetically. “Just meant to come check on you.”

Ryn relaxed, pulling her knees up to her chest and setting her chin on them, “Doing just fine. Sitting ducks until Sovereign arrives, no ship…ugh.” She made a face but aimed an apologetic look at Garrus, “Sorry for nearly knocking you on your ass.”

He snorted out a laugh, mandibles flaring in a way she could only assume was amusement, “It’s not the worst thing you could do to me, I’m sure.”

Joining him in laughter, even if it was stained, Ryn held up her hands and wriggled her fingers, “I could use these bad boys and biotic you into next year.”

“Mhm, is that a threat?” Garrus chuckled as he sat down next to her. Ryn leaned her head back and over to look at him, her shoulder brushing his.

If she truly wanted to continue sulking and skulking she could ask him to leave…in fact, maybe for all professional intents and purposes she should ask him to leave. How could it compromise her leadership to have her crew see her like this?

“It’s just me on board.” Garrus said, as if he read her thoughts. From the way he studied her face, maybe everything she was thinking was written clearly across her face, “You don’t have to be Commander right now…just Shepard.”

“Ryn.” She corrected, “If I don’t have to be Commander Shepard then please…Ryn.”

“Ryn.” Garrus parroted back to her, then repeated it again as if testing the way it rolled off his tongue. She found she liked when he said it. Wanted him to say it again just to get the thrill that went through her.

No.

Not now.

“We’re fucked to hell right now.” she said to distract herself, “Fucked frontways, sideways, and backways.”

Garrus nudged her shoulder, “Grounded is a strong word.”

She quirked an eyebrow up and Garrus’ mandibles flared once again, a spark coming into his eyes, “If I’ve learned anything from leaving C Sec…” he said, “It’s that rules are a suggestion.”

“Yes but…” She trailed off with a groan, scrubbing her hands across her face. Breaking rules now to cross the trouble might just cause a train wreck further down the tracks

“I don’t think there’s any buts; I doubt you’ve made it this far by going by the books. Did you follow things to a T during the Blitz—“

Ryn flinched, twisting away from Garrus fast enough that her shoulder hit the lockers with a thump, “No-“

Not that, not now with so many poor leadership calls swirling through her mind. Not now, as Saren and Sovereign made galaxy knows what plans to take an unknown amount of lives. Not with Ashley’s name still accompanied by guilt and grief and—

Garrus’ hand gently rested on her shoulder, snapping her back, “I’m sorry.” he said carefully, “I didn’t mean, didn’t realize…”

That she was still fucked in the head? That the thought of making those kinds of calls again gave her chills enough to make her sick?

“It’s fine.” she breathed. “It’s fine. Please just…” she turned her head and rested her head on Garrus’ hand, her nose smushing against his glove. Somehow the touch grounded her and without thinking she brought her hand up to rest over the remainder of his hand.

Almost without thinking, he curled his fingers around her.

And they stayed like that, in the quiet, contemplative air.

“We can’t fail.” she murmured.

“We won’t, Ryn.” Garrus murmured back and something about the way he said her name—no rank, no formalities, just her, made her want to cry.

[tthael]

I really admire so many things about your writing - the introspection and deep meaning, the realistic and sensitive way that you handle topics. Do you have any recs for fav media/books/tv shows/fanfics ? I guess I'm curious if there are any you think might have similar qualities/themes?

This is a tough one because basically everything I consume gets picked apart and reused in some way. However, I’ll give it a shot:

The Book Thief and I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. There’s quite a lot I like about Zusak’s use of language and have since 2007 when I read The Book Thief for the first time, and there’s something very cinematic and magical about I Am the Messenger (particularly in the chapter with the young track runner).

The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell. He’s most commonly known for Cloud Atlas, but he has an ongoing theme of vampires and cannibalism reappearing in his work (I just read Slade House for the first time while I was in quarantine) and there’s something deeply satisfying about the way that all of the disparate pieces come to fruition at the climax of The Bone Clocks. Not a perfect book, but deeply satisfying.

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. Again, she’s most commonly known for The Poisonwood Bible, but I liked that well enough to read The Lacuna in 2013, and I completely hated it for the first half of the book until finally something clicked in my brain and I activated the literary critic within, who doesn’t care so much about whether they enjoy something and more cares about how well something is done. The description of US American rationing during World War II really got me onto the novel’s side, if that makes sense; and I do love a good family epic, and while this only focuses on one protagonist instead of generations of them, it’s interesting in a similar way to The Bone Clocks where you see everything start to snowball together.

Literally anything by Ursula Vernon/T. Kingfisher. I particularly recommend The Raven and The Reindeer, which I read shortly after being diagnosed with my chronic illness and really helped me to understand the irrelevance of shame. There’s something very satisfying about saying “a reindeer doesn’t care if it smells bad, so I’m going to lean into that particular apathy and not allow a bully to take me down over it.” Something comforting about taking shelter in the animal and in survival, when you and your body are in one place and working on the same side, and it’s your brain that’s ready to give up first but your body will keep dragging you through because that’s what it does. Certain lines in Indelicate were inspired by her adaptation of Tam Lin in Jackalope Wives and other Stories (https://www.amazon.com/Jackalope-Wives-Other-Stories-Kingfisher-ebook/dp/B071946RLN). Lots of her short stories are available at this link for free: http://www.redwombatstudio.com/portfolio/writing/short-stories/

TV’s a little harder to unpack, since I don’t always think in terms of visual media, I tend to default to words first. Recently I’ve been enjoying New Amsterdam on NBC--it’s nice to see the radical socialist doctor doing his damnedest to secure the right thing--and Call the Midwife--similar reasons. There’s a lot about meeting someone where they are in both shows that I appreciate.

There’s also a lot of music that inspires my writing so I’ll have to dedicate a post specifically to that in my methods and materials.

Fanfic, though! Lots of my favorites, lots of genres. Here we go:

we are all stardust by synergenic (Losseflame) (https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682496) Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, pairing Finn/Poe Dameron. Sexually explicit, but also leans a lot into physicality. You can probably see the influence on the very first chapter of Indelicate when Eddie’s waking up in pain and Richie’s at his bedside. It’s very much inspired by a similar sickbed scene here.

If They Haven’t Learned Your Name by silentwalrus (https://archiveofourown.org/works/6329503) Captain America/Marvel Cinematic Universe Steve Rogers/James “Bucky” Barnes. The holy grail of Steve/Bucky fanfiction. If you want independent character exploration, this is the place to go. Natasha shaving her head? Yes. Sam pleading with Steve to keep his shit together while thirty Koren grandmothers assume they are American celebrities? Yes. Bucky defiantly hunting down his sense of self while bingeing romance novels in a space ship? Yes. Pay particular attention to the Sam chapters, because they’re a beautiful way of defining Steve’s characterization from an outside perspective, and I’m trying to do the same with Eddie looking at Richie in Indelicate.

An Ever-Fixed Mark by AMarguerite (https://archiveofourown.org/works/8523001) Pride & Prejudice (Jane Austen) Elizabeth Bennet/Colonel Fitzwilliam, Elizabeth Bennet/Fitzwilliam Darcy. Soulmark AU. This is one of my longtime favorite fanfictions and what it taught me was cause and effect. The characters move the plot forward based on their assumptions and decisions. Definitely very helpful when I was writing TTHAEL by the seat of my pants.

You Can Keep Holding On by NorthernSparrow (https://archiveofourown.org/works/7233709) Supernatural Dean Winchester/Castiel. Sexually explicit. A lot of the summary I can give here is spoilers, but if you read this one through, you’ll be able to see the inspiration for the “Can you tell me where I can get another Eddie Kaspbrak?” scene in Indelicate.

Work of All Saints by antistar_e (kaikamahine) (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15006644) Coco (2017) Imelda Rivera/Héctor Rivera/Ernesto de la Cruz. Sexually mature. Oh my GOD this is a beautiful coming-of-age story set in turn-of-the-century Oaxaca, this is the best complete expansion of canon that I’ve ever seen; the author takes the pieces and runs with them and it is WONDERFUL.

Lycanthropic Studies by Eiiri (https://archiveofourown.org/series/575263) Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black canon-divergence AU. I very much enjoy the meditation on lycanthropy as a chronic illness and I sometimes reread this for comfort. Particularly early on Remus has a rant about how he’s sick and he’s always sick and his life doesn’t stop for it, despite holidays and birthdays he still has to deal with the consequences of his illness and take the devastating medication, and there’s a lot about that that speaks to me. I haven’t kept up with the series for some time, though.

Careful Truths by SassySnowperson (https://archiveofourown.org/works/12111966) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Bodhi Rook/Luke Skywalker canon-divergence AU. Sexually explicit. Honestly identity p!rn fics are a good inspiration for that third-person limited perspective I’ve been working on in Indelicate. Also I love love LOVE Bodhi Rook. It’s fun watching him run in circles trying to conceal his identity from Luke while completely oblivious to Luke doing exactly the same thing.

Stammtisch by chaya (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15060152) Critical Role: Season 2, Caleb Widogast/Mollymauk Tealeaf, AU. Sexually explicit. Long before Caleb actually leveled up enough to cast Mordenkainen’s Magnificent Mansion, chaya speculated about what kind of spaces he might create for each of his friends. I think it’s a very good resource for really condensing characterization down into lots of images and concepts and deciding what other characters know about them. The idea of making space for someone else is something that I lean into a lot when I write Ben, who’s the kind of man who will set himself on fire to keep those he loves warm, and even though Critical Role has far more material than even IT for determining characterization, and even though this particular moment has already occurred in canon--it’s just a wonderful homey story, and has the kind of found family vibes I like for the Losers as well.

I know that’s a lot to unpack there, but all of those fics are very good and I recommend reading any assortment that appeals to you. (Work of All Saints in particular you don’t have to be familiar with the source material beyond the basic premise; it stands on its own.) Thank you for asking, and thank you for reading!

[charmedseoull]

Interview with sugamins about her work House of Cards (Ao3′s second most hit English work and most hit BTS work)

Before You Read the Interview

Archive of Our Own Transcript

Reddit Transcript Part 1 / Part 2

House of Cards is documented within the Top 50 Most Hit BTS Works on Archive of Our Own Project, otherwise known as T50BTS, by Charmedseoul. It is the second most hit English work on the Archive of Our Own platform, most hit BTS work, and 16th most hit work overall. It centers around the internationally popular K-Pop idol group BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) with the main characters being Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, and Jeon Jungkook. This work is being documented for historical purposes for the Fanlore website with its own page. Charmedseoul is a BTS-focused anonymous historian who plans to eventually document each of the top 50 most hit BTS work on Ao3 as in depth as this one. If you are in contact with any of the authors of these works, please contact her on Twitter @charmedseoul or on Tumblr @charmedseoull.

Parts of this interview have been edited with links to Fanlore and Wikipedia pages for understanding. Any information in [brackets] serves for further clarity for readers and elaboration of information.

Disclaimers: This interview contains spoilers for the BTS Archive of Our Own work House of Cards. The story’s Archive of Our Own tags contain violence and gangster activity, along with discussion of prostitution and drug use. The full tag list is:

Alternate Universe - Gangsters

Gang Violence

Violence

Drugs

Drug Use

Explicit Sexual Content

Explicit Language

Blood and Gore

Blood and Torture

Gambling

Gunplay

Undercover

Disturbing Themes

Homophobic Language

Attempted Rape/Non-Con

Xenophobia

Dom/sub

Threesome - M/M/M

Drug Addiction

Dubious Consent

This interview discusses an 18+ mature work and Not Safe for Work topics. Please read this interview at your own discretion. You are responsible for the content you consume.

House of Cards by sugamins is a multi-chapter Archive of Our Own fanfiction that follows police officer Kim Taehyung’s undercover operation into the gangster world of Haedogje Pa. Jeon Jungkook, shrouded in an air of mystery and dubbed “The Boy,” is the heir to this crime empire. Park Jimin lives with him, acting as a lover of sorts in a high, pristine penthouse apartment. The story follows the three and their complicated relationship where sex, violence, and drugs surround them. Kim Taehyung tries to take down the empire as his moral lines of black and white begin blurring into gray. In this crime-ridden alternate reality to Seoul, everything from the structure of the gangster world to the trust between three lovers is as fragile as a house of cards.

Now presenting the interview with sugamins, author of Archive of Our Own’s second most hit English work and most hit BTS work, House of Cards:

How did you start writing?

How did you get into fanfiction?

How much writing experience did you have prior to House of Cards?

Do you have any literary or artistic inspirations? Any other authors or works that have inspired you to create anytime before or after House of Cards?

How did you become an ARMY [ARMY stands for Adorable Representative MC for the Youth. It is the fandom name for fans of BTS, otherwise known as Bangtan Sonyeondan]?

I started writing fanfiction in 2012. But before then, I used to enjoy writing stories as a child and young teenager. I used to write and illustrate my own stories. I even had a sketchbook filled with my own comic book, which was terrible! But I've always been creative. It started with art and then I moved onto writing when I discovered I was able to be much more creative with my words rather than my pencil.

I first got into fanfiction through my years spent on Tumblr. I had always known that it had existed, but I had never really gone looking for it because I hadn't belonged to a fandom at that point in my life. It was back in 2012 when I stumbled upon an EXO fanfic that a lot of people were talking about (Arbitrage, you can find it on Livejournal.) I read it and then thought...wow, so this is fanfiction! From that point, I started reading more and more, mostly Infinite fanfiction. And then I decided to start writing with the encouragement of an old online friend, and here I am!

In terms of writing experience, I have never formally received education. I stopped studying English Language and Literature when I was 16, instead focusing on Art, History, and Religious Education (purely because I wanted to learn about philosophy and quantum mechanics) for my final two years at high-school. The only experience I have is through writing fanfiction. I started back in 2012, and I've developed a lot since then. I started off small, writing horror short stories and little collections. Brotherhood was the first 'long fic' I created. I was shocked that it managed to get so big because I had never created a story of that size before. Writing helped me gain experience and figure out what worked and what didn't work, what I was good at writing, and where I was lacking and needed to learn. I don't think you can really experience an art form until you start doing it. You can learn all about the techniques and the conventions, but until you pick up a pen and start writing or drawing, you won't ever know what it means to create.

My literary inspiration has always been Stephen King. Which is funny, as he has described himself as 'having diarrhea of the typewriter.' I think that applies to me sometimes. I am a bit of a wordy writer, though I've started honing it down for certain stories. Sometimes, a story needs to be floral and descriptive, sometimes, it needs to be punchy and direct. So, King was my major inspiration, especially with horror. I also enjoy the works of Poe and Lovecraft (I acknowledge the problematic themes in the work of Lovercraft and seek not to praise him as a person. He was a terrible person for sure, but sadly, he had a way with cosmic horror that is hard to find.) I also enjoy Chuck Palahniuk and the dark, seedy and overall zany stories that he has created. I like his style a lot!

In terms of inspirations for House of Cards, I was obviously inspired by the films Infernal Affairs/The Departed. American Gangster and Training Day were also major inspirations (and also because I love Denzel Washington's performances in both films. I mean, who doesn't love him?) But I also drew inspiration from other sources that were less focused on gangs, more focused on the dark, nihilistic state of the world around us. I couldn't recommend the TV series True Detective hard enough. It is one of the best series I have ever watched. It handles dark and disturbing content so well, and its fractured, unreliable story-telling and philosophical musing is some of the best I've ever seen on screen. I highly recommend checking it out, but be sure to check the content warning and triggers because it certainly isn't suitable for younger audiences and those with triggers. In terms of real-life content, I think Ross Kemps' docu-series are very good. Particularly Extreme World and On Gangs. His docu-series show the dark and disturbing side of criminal activity, the drug trade and more. 

I became a fan of BTS [Bangtan Sonyeondan] back in 2013. I had already been a fan of K-Pop for some time by then, as I had started listening to various K-Pop and K-Rock artists back in 2009. I knew of their debut, but I had seen hundreds of new acts debut by the time that they broke into the scene, and so I didn't pay much heed. Someone I followed on Tumblr at the time kept posting about how much she loved them, especially Taehyung [BTS V/Kim Taehyung]. One day, I stumbled upon a gifset of Yoongi [BTS Suga/Min Yoongi] being sarcastic in one of their first interviews. I thought he was funny, so I decided to check them out. At the time, they had recently released We Are Bulletproof Pt. 2 [BTS’s second music video release with their debut album 2 Kool 4 Skool]. I followed them from that point, and their first comeback [A “comeback” refers to when a K-Pop idol group releases new music, usually done twice a year.] was also my first comeback. I liked their music [BTS released Boy In Luv and Just One Day in 2014, both music videos of songs from their Skool Luv Affair EP.], but I liked them even more as individuals. I loved watching their shows [Here is a link to BTS’s schedule during 2014 when they had their first comeback. You can find the shows and interviews they were on there.], even though they are incredibly embarrassing to look back on now. They just had so much energy and looked to be having so much fun that I was having fun just watching them. I was a fan, I liked a lot of their songs and followed their activities. But it wasn't until they released HYYH Part One [Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa Part 1 (Korean) = The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Pt. 1 (This is the title in English), released with the I Need U and Dope music videos.] that I really became a fan of their music. I had already created a couple of small horror stories for the fandom at that point. HYYH Part One [The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Pt. 1] inspired me so much that I created Brotherhood, my first 'long fic.' I joined AO3 [Archive of Our Own] and started posting there. I received so much support from fellow fans that I carried on writing, and the rest is history!

How has your experience being an ARMY [Adorable Representative MCs of the Youth, BTS’s global fan base name.] been? Did you ever leave the fandom then come back? How did you interact with others when you first got into the fandom and as you grew up?

How have you been since you wrote House of Cards? What have you been working on? 

Are you okay with talking about how old you are now and how old you were when you wrote House of Cards?

Before you even wrote House of Cards, what inspired it? Any TV shows? Music? Movies? Books? Ideas? It could be anything.

How did you start writing House of Cards? Did you finish the entire story then publish it or did you write it as you went? What was the writing process like?

Did you have any beta readers or editors? If you did, are you still in contact with them now? How did they feel about your work?

My experience being a fan has mostly been positive over the years. In the earlier days, back around when I first started writing for the fandom, it was certainly much more positive. I've received so much support over the years, not only in my writing but in my personal life from readers and fellow fans that being a fan of the boys [The members of BTS] really has changed my life. That's not an exaggeration. I doubt I would even be here now without those years having such a positive effect on my mental health. I've never really been the kind to interact with others and form cliques within the fandom, I just like being in my own space and interacting with everyone that comes my way, I guess?

These days, I'm not as active as a writer or in fandom spaces however. I feel like my time in the fandom has started to come up and I don't know how I feel about it just yet. I feel nostalgic for the time when I was first starting out in the fandom and I didn't really know much, but everything was fun. It doesn't feel so fun now, but I mostly contribute that to the effect that Twitter has had on shaping the fandom's growth. Twitter has never been a good place for creatives within fandoms because of issues with algorithms and such. Tumblr was always the better website for hosting artistic content for a variety of reasons. So, I think the fact that everything is on Twitter now has been partly responsible for my decline in engagement and overall enjoyment. I'm currently taking a break from Twitter. The next couple of months will be what makes me either stay or leave the fandom.

Since writing House of Cards, I've been an active writer in the fandom. Over the years, I've added quite a lot of stories to my AO3 accounts and various pseuds. My largest ongoing story is another gang story, set in the 1980s, called Valentino Summers. I actually started writing and publishing it on Ao3 just four or so months after I finished House of Cards—which is wild to think about. Finally finishing House of Cards seems like such a long time ago in my mind, and yet I'm still working on a story I created that same year! I like contributing horror stories to the fandom, especially in the Halloween period. I like publishing series in the month/upcoming weeks before Halloween—though I won't be doing so this year [2020].

When I started writing House of Cards, I would have just turned 22. It was inspired by the song 'Wires' by The Neighbourhood. I might be mistaken, but I believe that Jungkook [BTS Jungkook/Jeon Jungkook] posted a tweet with the song in it. [Jungkook did tweet about this song. Here is the English translation.] I had never heard of the band before, but my partner was a fan of their music. She sent the song to me and I was very interested in the lyrics, so I started discussing them with her. One thing led to the next, and then we had basically come up with the entire plot of the story. We just needed to create the characters. We spent a little while doing so, and then I started doing some research and started writing the story. There really isn't a grand backstory to House of Cards, it just happened so fast. We often come up with story ideas like that, and my partner is responsible for a huge amount of my stories. She has the creative visions, which I then turn into words. We make quite the team, haha~ The inspirations, I mentioned those in my previous answer regarding films and TV shows.

I published the story as I went, though I staggered the updates because I didn't want to post too frequently. I had the entire story planned out from the start——I didn't change a single aspect of the story no matter what I received in terms of feedback. I think a lot of readers assume that writers might tweak things if they sense the audience wants something to happen in terms of plot or relationships. Personally, I don't like doing that. I like sticking to my plans even if I know my vision might not be what the readers want. I think it's important for the story to be created the way I see it because my vision is what made me create it, if that makes sense.

The writing process was surprisingly smooth! You might not think it because the story is big and there are a lot of characters and plot threads to keep on top of, but it went smoothly for me. It flowed just as smoothly from start to finish as Brotherhood did. I never struggled once with writing the chapters, nor did I ever get stuck and wonder if I should change the content in order to make it easier to write. I'm surprised that I managed to complete it so easily because that's not the case with writing now! I tend to be a lot slower now, more deliberate and more open to changes in order to ease the process and the overall flow of the story. In a way, this change has been for the best. I do wonder what House of Cards would be like if I were to write it now, with my different approach to planning and writing. It would probably have a quicker flow, and the word count would either go down as a result of cuts, or go up because of additional scenes I would have likely included.

I didn't have any betas, which you can probably tell from the work. My stories are so big that I never wanted to put the burden of fixing them onto someone else. I know they are imperfect, oftentimes bloated things, but that's just what they are. I did try creating a story with another writer in the past, but it didn't go very well. She would often have conflicting opinions on things and would not have any leeway for anything I suggested, whereas I always had leeway to allow her to change things. Even to the point of completely changing the plot of the story that I had already started writing, and then allowing her to add graphic sexual content she didn't even want to be in the story. She actually stopped writing fanfiction randomly in the middle of us creating the story! She made a post about it being disgusting and nasty and then bowed out. I have no clue if she ever came back! So, my negative experience with attempting to work with someone else when creating a story kind of made me not want to have a beta. It's a wild story, I know!

House of Cards is praised for its realism and accuracy with weaponry, torture, sex, and violence. How did you research these things?

How did you come up with the gangster universe in House of Cards? How did you develop Haedogje Pa?

How did you name the original characters in House of Cards? Did any characters in particular take inspiration from existing characters in TV shows, anime, books, any type of media?

How did you decide on Vminkook as your main characters for the story? What do you see in their dynamic and them as characters?

Jimin is claimed to be one of the best written characters in the entire story. What was your thought process when characterizing him and developing him?

Taehyung is an especially dynamic character whose morals get tested time and time again in House of Cards. What was your thought process when characterizing him and developing him?

Jungkook is one of the characters that the readers spend the least amount of time getting a perspective from, but is incredibly well written in his character progression. What was your thought process when characterizing him and developing him?

When it came to various aspects in the story, I did do research. Most of it never really had an impact on the story itself. For example, I would be looking up gun models that are used by law enforcement agencies around the world and trying to find specs of them so I could learn how many bullets each gun held, or how much a magazine could hold. In action scenes, I didn't want my characters firing off 20+ bullets for a gun that—in reality—holds far less. That's a fact that doesn't really mean much to the average reader, but it meant something to me! I've always hated how many bullets fly through the air in action scenes in films and TV shows because I'm always wondering if it's possible with the firearms featured in the scene haha~ In terms of torture, I've come across the subject through various documentaries and TV shows about gangs, crime and serial killers. I didn't really do much additional research into the topic, beyond reading up on what I had come across to make sure it wasn't fictionalised for drama purposes. Obviously, there will be some lack of realism in my story because I couldn't possibly write a realistic portrayal of gang violence and torture when I have zero personal experience with it. My aim wasn't to give the story 'full' realism (I'll explain more about that in the next question) but to simply create a world that felt real, even if there were little aspects that had to be exaggerated for the sake of the story. Taehyung's behaviour when undercover certainly broke many procedures. The only thing working in his favour that allowed him to get away with it is that the crimes he committed couldn't be directly traced to him. But a real undercover agent would never do the things that he did on behalf of the gang. Basically, this means that the entire story is unrealistic! But of course, it wouldn't be very entertaining if Taehyung simply observed from the background and didn't dirty his hands. So, I had to bend and break the rules a little!

For the universe, I knew that I couldn't base it too much in reality. Because of basic Korean law, it would have been impossible for me to write the gang operating in the way they did in the story—especially with guns. Most Korean gangs tend to use other forms of violence and weapons in order to control their respective areas, rather than guns. My other story, Taste of Ink, has what I would consider a more realistic approach to gang activity—with the main weapons being knives, baseball bats, etc. and the main forms of violence being assault instead of flat-out murder. So, for the sake of allowing guns to appear in the story, I had to create a Neo-Seoul, so to speak. I took inspiration from Korean gangs, and mixed it with influences from other gang cultures in order to create 'Haedogje Pa.'

When it comes to naming original characters, I honestly don't put much thought into it. I like to use real names for inspiration. I often Google various Korean films I've watched and read the cast list in order to find interesting character and actor names. This is because I have a habit of reusing names sometimes. For example, readers of my stories might have come across a couple of Daesu and Goohee characters. Do you know where I got these names from? I picked Daesu from Oh Daesu - Choi Minsik's character in Oldboy. Goohee comes from the manhwa 'Let Dai' - he is the stubborn gang leader that actually has a good heart beneath his rough exterior. I ended up liking him the most by the end of the story, so his name is one that often comes to mind when I need to pick an original character name.

I never really consider real life dynamics when I'm writing because my stories are so detached from reality that it seems pointless including any inspiration from reality. I chose the three main characters simply because, at the time, they seemed to fit the character moulds the best. The other characters fit their respective characters so well (especially Namjoon [BTS RM/Kim Namjoon] and Yoongi) that I simply thought it was best to have Taehyung, Jimin [BTS Jimin/Park Jimin] and Jungkook as the three lead roles. I chose them more based on how I thought they could personally fit the characters, rather than focus on the dynamic. To use Taehyung as an example, I thought that he would fit the character of the informant in my story because in reality, he is intelligent and seemed like he would suit the role. For Jimin, I thought he would be a good choice for a character that some might think is vulnerable or even weak. He is actually very strong and the most important character for the plot progression. For Jungkook, I liked the thought of someone with such an innocent outer appearance hiding a dark secret.

I'm so glad that readers took to Jimin so positively on a whole. I know there are some that hated him, or that hated the fact I chose him for such a role (a 'negative' sex worker role). But Jimin is the most important character for the plot progression. It is through him that the entire plan finally culminates in the explosive finish. I wanted to treat him with care because I understood that his character could go very wrong if not handled correctly. It would have been easy for him to simply become nothing more than a sexual prop, should the story have focused too much on Taehyung and Jungkook as the key players. So, I decided to subvert it by giving Jimin the ultimate hand in the story and allowing him to have more control than Jungkook in the end. If Jimin had not decided to follow through with the plan, if he had decided to snitch or had simply refused to do his part in exposing the gang, the story would've ended drastically differently. But I also didn't want to write Jimin taking control of the entire situation at the end because it would've felt ingenuine. He is a character that has been deeply affected by a lifetime of trauma. I was worried that some might take my portrayal of his trauma the wrong way, and see him not as a character that has suffered immense mental damage but rather as an annoying, weak character that gets in the way of more 'interesting' dynamics. I'm sure there will be readers that think that. Mentally traumatized individuals are often seen in such negative light, be they fictional characters or real people. When writing his character, especially in the later scenes, I wanted to make sure the trauma he experienced would shape his behaviour. Writing the scene of him getting ready to leave, when he is taking his pills and he doesn't think he can do it, it was hard. It was hard getting into that headspace of feeling so powerless in the moment and knowing that freedom is in reach, but not knowing how to achieve it. He was a difficult character to write, but I think he turned out just right in the end.

Taehyung was probably the best character to write. I love characters that start off so morally upright and pristine, and by the end of the story, their backs are bending and close to breaking from the weight of their conscience and misdeeds. His character has many facets to him that made his perspectives so interesting to tackle. From his green days in the gang, where he is horrified by the violence he sees, to the changes in his psyche as he starts to become desensitized to it all. Fundamentally, Taehyung begins the story as a good man, a hero, but by the end, there is no black and white thinking. He has become grey, muddied from his time spent in the gang. Is he a hero for bringing them down? Would a hero do the things that he did in order to bring down the gang? He killed people. He tortured people. He threatened a man with a gun, a man he knew had a deepset fear of guns that would severely trigger him. I think it all depends on how the reader sees it. The hardest thing to write for his character was his troubled descent into the relationship between him, Jungkook and Jimin, and how it affects his thought processes and emotions. I didn't want House of Cards to be seen as a romantic story when I created it. If readers see it that way, they are more than entitled to their own interpretations. I cannot tell them how they can interpret my art, that is not my role as the creator. I don't know if I effectively portrayed the co-dependency between the three main characters as well as I would've liked. But I had never tackled such a story and themes before, and so it was all new to me.

I didn't know that Jungkook had the least perspective from the three main characters. Similarly, I never really put that much effort into creating and developing his character! Jungkook simply 'happened' in the moment. He would appear in the chapter, and then his character would basically take control of the scene. I never really knew what he was going to say or do beyond my rough plans for each scene. I just waited until he appeared and let the creative spirit flow through me. That's how he came to be! I've had that happen many times in the past with characters—they have a life of their own and I've no control over them. In my story, Brotherhood, Taehyung happened the same way. It was impossible to write his character in that story because he was so wild and free-spirited that it didn't feel right unless his behaviour was a total spur-of-the-moment reaction to the other characters and new plot points. But with Jungkook in House of Cards, I don't know why I didn't have him planned out like the others. It's interesting to think that he might've had a good progression when I never planned any of it in detail!

Were there any original characters you particularly liked writing or enjoyed?

When you wrote for the BTS hyung line, how did you determine their roles in the story and characterize each of them?

Is there a reason behind Namjoon saying “brother” or was it a consciously written character quirk?

When you handled more serious subject matter in House of Cards, how did you feel when writing it? Were you ever startled by your own work?

Was there any type of purposeful titling for the fanfiction chapters?

What was your reason for House of Cards’ open ending?

I liked writing Lim, the original informant that helped Taehyung join the gang. I like writing characters that come across as sleazy. In his case, the sleaze was all an act and wasn't true to his character; he was affecting it for the sake of creating a persona. But I enjoy writing absolute sleaze balls too—the kind of guys that have chest hair and wear gold chains and thick watches, who practically ooze oil. I just find them fun! Lim was a good teacher, even when he was rough around the edges. It was sad doing what I had to do to him for the sake of the plot. But I feel like Lim understood the game as well as everyone else, and so he knew he was running on borrowed time. 

Of course, I loved writing Bae Goohee too! He was an absolute bastard! I loved writing this figure that is spoken about throughout the story as a frightening man, one so brutal that the readers are already wary of him before he even appears in the story. I believe that Taehyung refers to him as a 'guard dog' at some point. I think Bae is the scariest character in the story for me because he is so ruthless and willing to do any order that the Jeon clan give to him. That kind of blind and unwavering devotion is frightening!

I also enjoyed writing Sungah and Jangmi. I think they're the only female characters in the story that have dialogue? Sungah has a great backstory that I unfortunately couldn't go into too much in the story, but it shaped her character a lot. I like how frank and intelligent she is—she holds her own even in a department filled with men that receive far more praise than she does simply because she is a woman. She also allowed me to add an angle about the unfair treatment of women in jobs that have power, drawing parallels with how Taehyung faces discrimination from his fellow officers when his sexuality is abruptly revealed during the investigation. As for Jangmi, I just liked writing about the wife of a mob boss! And not one that is simply a trophy wife, but actually has a lot of power and influence across the city. I wish I had been able to feature her more, alongside her husband, Jeon himself. But I like the scenes they appear in and I enjoyed writing them.

For the rest of the members, I had Namjoon and Hoseok [BTS J-Hope/Jung Hoseok]'s characters planned right from the start. I had also created plans for Yoongi and Seokjin [BTS Jin/Kim Seokjin], but I wasn't sure how much of a role they would play in the overall story. As I started writing them, I realised that Yoongi would play an important role in both Taehyung and Jimin's character development, and so he ended up featuring a lot more than I had expected. I planned their jobs and then let them influence how I would write them. Namjoon and Hoseok's characters came naturally. Yoongi's character completely took over his job role and basic description and became a really strong character that I'm proud of. Seokjin was a little trickier because he doesn't appear in too many scenes—but the scenes he does are integral to the plot. I needed to make sure that his character said everything he needed to in his limited scenes. He has quite the bombshell to drop after all! Seokjin was also tricky because I wanted him to have an air of mystery around him. I wanted him to be the kind of guy that not even Taehyung and his police connections would be able to unearth much about; a ghost in the system. I would've also liked for him to feature more in the story, but I feel like his character appeared in the essential scenes that the story needed. He was going to feature more in the planned sequel, being one of the first characters to appear alongside Yoongi. He was going to serve an important role, so I'm disappointed that I didn't get to show those scenes to readers.

With Namjoon, I wanted to portray him as a mature character, but not one that was conservative and stiff. I thought about having him say things like 'man' but that seemed too casual and didn't suit his character. 'Man' made him seem more like a surfer than a police officer. But when he said 'brother' in one of the scenes, I realised the word suited him better. It was fraternal, and it allowed him to show some affection towards the other characters without having to have physical contact with them. It's not the only Namjoon I've written that says 'brother' a lot. In Valentino Summers, Namjoon has experience with hippies in the neighbourhood that he lives in, so he also refers to other characters like Jimin as 'brother.' It just seems to suit him! I guess it's because I like creating Namjoon characters that are intelligent and mature, but still have a gentle and warm presence. I could picture him saying it in real life (I'm certain he already has!)

When writing serious subject matter, I'm surprised to admit that I was never shocked by what I was writing! I guess it's because I already knew that I was going to be handling dark themes. I wouldn't have tackled such subjects had I not felt comfortable doing so. Dark content isn't for everyone, and by that I don't simply mean consuming it. Creating it can be very difficult for some writers, and can even cause distress. It's not easy diving into a world that is filled with crime, pain and fear. It's even harder putting yourself into the shoes of a character that is suffering/has suffered. I was never writing in a desensitised state though. Far from it. I'm actually very sensitive to violence in reality. In fiction, it depends on the violence—but I'm usually not too affected by it. I've been a fan of horror since I was a child, and so I've seen a lot of nasty films filled with gore and 'shocking' deaths that never really had much of an effect on me. Unrealistic violence doesn't scare me. But when it comes to personal violence, that is always frightening to me. It's far scarier writing a scene where a character feels threatened by another character and doesn't know what is going to happen to them then, say, writing a scene of a character dying a bloody, ridiculous death in a horror story. Personal violence is much more realistic, therefore it is more unsettling to write. In House of Cards, the violence is very personal. It's in your face, it's inescapable for the characters that are involved in it. But at no point did I ever feel like I needed to stop writing because I was uncomfortable or scared by the content. If I had been uncomfortable, it would have been very reckless of me to continue writing the story.

My word of advice to fellow dark content writers: it's always important to recognise your own boundaries. There's nothing wrong with removing dark content from a story if you get a bad vibe or feel strange when writing/reviewing it. Always follow your gut instincts and never put out work that you don't like.

When writing stories, I vary between titling the chapters and leaving them blank. For House of Cards, I cannot remember the exact method for naming the chapters. Sometimes, the title comes to me when I am writing the plans and I have an idea that just suits the mood of the chapter. Other times, I have finished the entire chapter and I have to spend some time reviewing the content to decide that the title will be. In some cases, I have finished most of a whole story and I'm still not certain what to title it! I feel like with House of Cards, the titles came after the chapters were finished, or at least when they were works-in-progress.

There are some titles that really stand out to me. 'Nice Teeth' for example, is a really ridiculous title. Going into the chapter, I don't think many readers would've imagined what it could mean. 'Submachine Sodomy' is even funnier. I really can't believe I chose that as a title! I'll bet a lot of readers saw it and thought, "Oh no! Not another gunplay scene!" Luckily for them, it wasn't a reference to Jungkook's predilection for firearms in bed.

In terms of chapter titles that I really like: 'Delusions of Grandeur,' 'I Own This Fucking City,' 'Sleeping Dogs Bite' and 'Carpe-fucking-Diem.' I just feel like these titles are very well suited to the contents of the chapters. They are the kind of titles that have bite to them, that hint at action or an important plot point.

As for the open ending, there are a couple of reasons. First of all, I had planned to continue the story in a sequel that would pick up after the events of House of Cards, roughly a year on after the investigation. However, I did not pursue this sequel. I wanted House of Cards to end on an open note for the sequel to continue the story. When it comes to certain stories, I just feel that closed endings aren't always necessary. I often enjoy stories with open endings. With House of Cards, it didn't seem right just closing the book and saying it was over. There was still so much that needed to be explored. Unfortunately, I decided to not continue it. But I still think that House of Cards' ending fits the story.

Were there any scenes or moments or lines in House of Cards that you were particularly proud of or want to highlight?

If you were to write the Yoomin sequel to House of Cards, how would’ve that looked like?

How were readers’ reactions to your work in the beginning?

Did any reader comments stick with you in particular?

How did you take the criticisms and hatred towards House of Cards for its serious subject matter? When did those types of comments start appearing? Also, where did the hatred come from? Twitter? Tumblr? Ao3 comments? Did people harass you at all or hurt you? How did you heal from that?

House of Cards has a lot of scenes. I'm proud of most of them and I think I did the best I could when writing them. I do not really like the sex scenes, but that is because I wanted to write them in a dirty, sleazy way. If I could, I would change them. I like the action scenes, especially the Gold Monkey Casino and police raid scenes. Action scenes are hard to write! Fight scenes in particular are so tricky. I often sit there, choreographing the fights so I can describe them! I loved writing Yoongi's introduction to the story, when he walks into the scene wearing nothing but his underpants.

One scene that I really liked writing is the scene where Namjoon and Hoseok investigate the USB stick that Taehyung sends to them. I personally love Namjoon and Hoseok's characters. I always enjoyed writing them. In this scene, I liked getting to write them in a setting that was not the police department office. A scene where they got to relax and banter with each other, even though they were still working. They discover a horrifying crime ring in the city, but they are left with no choice but to keep it secret because they do not want to risk blowing Taehyung's cover. I do not know why I really like this scene, I just do.

In the sequel, which focused primarily on Jimin and Yoongi, the plans were to have them reunite through Seokjin—who has avoided jail time through a plea deal with the SMPA. They undergo a healing process together as they try to come to terms with what happened to them. Yoongi has a lot of unhealed trauma from his childhood, much like Jimin, which I only got to briefly touch upon in House of Cards. They grow closer from bonding over their traumatic experiences, and they become happier and healthier as a result. Taehyung and Seokjin were also going to be main characters, with Jungkook, Namjoon and Hoseok making supporting appearances over the duration of the story. It was going to be drastically different from House of Cards because it would be lacking in action and violence. It would have been much more intimate, with much more scenes of characters talking and discovering things about one another.

I cannot remember early reactions to the story, I just know they were positive. There was a lot of positive support from the start. As I updated and started to get more and more into the story, I received a lot of support on tumblr too. I started posting chapter previews there, as I used to get asks [On Tumblr, users are able to ask bloggers questions through an “Ask” function. This can be done anonymously or with their own blog username associated with the question.] requesting them. I got A LOT of asks on my original Tumblr from readers that wanted to discuss the characters and certain scenes. It was really interesting seeing just how much the readers were interested in the story, so much so that they wanted to learn even more about the characters and the universe I had created.

Through House of Cards, I have received comments and messages from readers that had addictions. They told me about how they recognised their own behaviors through Taehyung, and this helped them realise what was happening to them. Those comments stuck with me for obvious reasons. I have family members with addiction issues, and knowing that I could help some stranger I have never met before come to terms with their own addictive behaviours had a massive impact on me. Funnily enough, a negative comment stuck with me. It was not a bad comment, by no means meant to cause offence. It was a comment that was left on the story when I was posting the early chapters. I recall the reader asking when the story was going to pick up the pace because it was too slow. It stuck with me because, at this point in the story, Taehyung had already trained to become an undercover agent, had enrolled in the gang, had met and interacted with Jungkook, and had murdered a man. I was surprised that this amount of development had been seen as 'slow' by a reader, as I had thought the plot had been moving very fast.

I never really had any hate posted on the story when I was updating it. I got angry reactions when I had finished it. Because the story had not ended the way some readers had wanted, I think that was what caused the negative reactions. On my original Tumblr, I even got an ask about how an anon reader was going to write their own ending because my one was bad. I told them that I did not want them to take my story and change it like that. I have no idea if they ever posted the ending anywhere. The angry reactions were mostly from shippers, who were upset with the story not ending the way they had wanted. To them, I ask: what were you expecting from the story? I thought it was always obvious that Taehyung was going to do what he had set out to do from the start, so I do not think I misled readers at all. It was a story about an undercover agent taking down a gang—and that is what I wrote.

I know there was some animosity towards me on Twitter too. Twitter is a whirlpool of negativity, I am not surprised. Writing House of Cards made me appear problematic. My partner used to follow an author a long time back, who tweeted about me being problematic—despite having never interacted with me or admittedly read my stories. It was shocking to me that people were making assumptions of who I was as a person based on a story I created. I have never created stories with the aims of hurting or upsetting others. I am a very quiet and private person, and I hate the idea of hurting others. It was strange to me that people could assume me to be this cruel or even dangerous individual, intent on hurting others, because I created a fictional story. Do they think the same of script writers for television shows? Or film directors, who create films with dark subject matter? Do they think published authors are problematic people for writing dark and disturbing content? Do they think certain genres should not exist because they do not personally like them?

I do think it is strange that fan fiction writers are placed on these ridiculously high pedestals of moral absolutism. Fan fiction was created to be a space for creative outlet for marginalised individuals, particularly queer individuals. The heavy censorship of dark and unusual content is putting this entire ethos at danger. I understand not wanting to have certain topics included in stories because there is a risk that the content can be used for grooming or can be presented in a way that can negatively affect young consumers' perceptions (like pedophilia for example.) I certainly agree that there needs to be boundaries in place to stop the community from being flooded with such illegal content. But I think there is a difference between wanting to remove dangerous content, and wanting to get rid of content you do not like. Content can be problematic to you, but that does not make it dangerous, illegal, or bad. For some readers, the content they create is their way of dealing with trauma. Maybe this is not healthy for them. But that is their decision to make, not yours.

I orphaned the story because I did not want to handle the potential backlash. To put it simply, I do not handle negative criticism well. Not because I am stuck-up and think I am perfect, but because I am a very anxious person. Just reading angry comments makes me feel very uncomfortable, often nauseous. I know that House of Cards has received overwhelmingly positive feedback from readers, and for that I am thankful. But I had to distance myself for the sake of my own mental health. Since orphaning it, it exploded in popularity. I am thankful that I orphaned it because that amount of attention would frighten me a lot, haha~

What was your reaction to the fanfiction trailer by Sappiamur?

How did you come to the decision to reveal your real name in the end note of House of Cards?

How did you feel when you finished House of Cards?

How did you come to the decision to orphan House of Cards?

Did you ever anticipate the overwhelming fan reaction to House of Cards?

How do you feel knowing that House of Cards is one of the most read fanfictions on Ao3?

What do you want House of Cards to be remembered for?

What do you hope people take away from House of Cards?

Why do you think House of Cards became so popular?

I had to go back and watch it. It's been some time since I last have, and I'm still as amazed by it now as I was back then. The trailer is insane. I cannot imagine how much work went into making it. It's so good and it fits the vibes of the story to perfection. I think the first time I watched it, I was in shock. I must have repeated it at least 10 times in a row, just to make sure it was real and I wasn't imagining it. Then I think I screamed about it on my social media accounts, haha~ If you reading this have not watched the trailer, consider doing so. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Back when I first started posting fanfics, I used to get a lot of asks wanting to know my name, my pronouns, stuff like that. I thought by adding my name at the end of the stories, it would help cut down on these requests. But I also did so because I used to get a lot of asks referring to me as 'author-nim' and I didn't like being addressed by this honorific. I'm not Korean so I have no right to receive that honorific. So, I included my real name so readers could address me with it when sending me asks and interacting with me. I don't add my name at the end of my stories now, but my name is in my Twitter bio for those that want to know.

When I finished it, I felt relieved! I was so calm in the moment! Looking back on it, I can't remember much. But I do remember finishing House of Cards without any issues. The final chapters flowed smoothly, it all clicked into place, and I had a great time writing them.

I came to the decision to orphan the story after several nights of contemplation. I was considering deleting the story, along with a few others, but my partner and some friends told me I shouldn't do so. They suggested orphaning it instead. So, I did so. I didn't want to delete it in case readers that had started it had not gotten to finish it yet. I would've felt very mean robbing them of the opportunity to finish the story like that. I don't regret orphaning it instead of deleting it. I didn't want to destroy the story, I just needed some distance between me and the story.

I didn't anticipate it, and I still don't understand it! I'm shocked that House of Cards got the reaction that it received. Do I think it's a good story? Yes, I think that I worked hard to create a story that is enjoyable to read. But did I ever think it would get the reaction it did? Not in a million years! I thought that it would be one of my more popular stories because a) the pairings and b) the content. Gang stories usually tend to get a lot of attention because it's a popular genre in fanfiction. I just didn't expect it to reach such a vast amount of hits, kudos and comments.

I'm in shock that it is one of the most read stories on AO3. I don't think I will ever be able to create another story that will garner that kind of attention and feedback. It's a once in a lifetime thing, so I'm immensely proud of myself for achieving such a feat. But really, it's all because of the readers that it achieved such a goal. I'm so thankful for every single one of them.

I just want it to be remembered for being enjoyable, I think. I don't have any grand and lofty ambitions for the story. I think so long as the readers enjoyed it, that is all that matters.

I'm not sure what I would like readers to take away from House of Cards. I guess I want them to reflect on the idea of morality and that not everything is black-and-white. Good people can do bad things, and bad things can happen to good people. It's hard to answer this question because House of Cards isn't a story that I consider to have deep messages in it? There are no messages about acceptance and love and healthy relationships and such, like some of my other stories.

Honestly? I don't know what made it get so popular. I assume it's because of the pairings or the setting of the story. I know that a lot of readers say they love the story because of how well it's written, but I can't comment on that as the creator, haha~ I can't say my story is well-written as I'm not consuming it from an outside perspective. What I can say is that I do think I created a story that has a lot of twists and turns and betrayals, which I think adds to the enjoyment factor.

How are you now in 2020? Are you writing professionally in real life at all? 

How do you feel BTS fanfiction has changed over time? Since you’ve been writing for it for so long. 

Do you have any messages for people who may read this interview in the future?

I'm not writing professionally. I have self-published two books via Amazon and Lulu. One was a basic re-branding of my story babes in the woods. The other was a total rewrite of Brotherhood, which I called 'Brothers,' featuring a whole new setting and roster of characters. I published them as readers showed an interest in reading original stories. I have been considering rewriting House of Cards as an original work in the future, but I can't say for certain that I will do so.

Since I started writing, I think there's been a lot of changes in the fandom—not only in fanfiction but in general. There's been popular trends that have come and gone (I was around for the explosion of social media and text-based AUs, which I personally am not a fan of) but there's also been a lot of push for more inclusive content. I'm really happy by the amount of inclusive content that I see these days. Despite some pushback from non-queer fans that sometimes have an issue with queer subject matter (for example, trans characters) I think it's wonderful that artists of all colours, genders and sexualities are now proudly creating content they want to see, and not simply just what is 'in demand' from the fandom.

The message that I would like to share with readers of this interview is: stay healthy, stay happy, and most importantly, stay you. I also want to take this moment to tell them this - if you are considering becoming a creator, but you are worried about reception to your work, or that it might not be good enough, stop right now! Stop doubting yourself and just give it a shot! I was once like you, scared that my weird and niche interests and writing would be ignored or even mocked by the fandom because no one would like it. Had I not decided to take the plunge, my life would be so drastically different. I've made so many friends, fallen in love, and completely changed my life by creating fan content. It can be scary, but once you take the leap, you will find your feet coming down on solid earth without any danger.

Thank you for reading this interview. Further below are reminders and information about this interview and Charmseoul’s Fanlore project.

sugamins is still writing on her sugamins Archive of Our Own account today if you are looking for her works. Charmedseoul will not be sharing the author’s social media or contact information.

This interview is a part of the Top 50 Most Hit BTS Archive of our Own Works Project by Charmedseoul. The project documents the works and authors of the top 50 most hit BTS works on Archive of Our Own. All work for this project is done through Fanlore, which is run by the Organization of Transformative Works. However, Charmedseoul herself is not associated with Fanlore or OTW directly. All information documented through this project is done with full transparency.

Authors, works, and fandom culture must be documented for the future. Unauthorized and malicious editing of Fanlore pages will result in a termination of account. Charmedseoul and Fanlore itself protects fandom history’s participants and works. Personal opinion on authors and works may be posted on social media, but may only be quoted and paraphrased on Fanlore.

This interview was conducted through email from September 23, 2020 to October 25th, 2020 with sugamins’ consent and protections under Fanlore’s Identity Protection policies. Unauthorized reposting of this interview is forbidden. Quotation and screenshot share of this interview is allowed.

If you would like to authorize a repost please contact @charmedseoul on Twitter or @charmedseoull on Tumblr. Linking and sharing is appreciated. Translation and unauthorized repost of this interview is forbidden.

Thank you for reading. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer them.

Charmed Seoul. Fandom Historian based on Fanlore.com. Twitter. Tumblr.

[hariosborn]

james potter fic recs!!

lily evans, i see you, hear you, and i respect you... but we’re gonna forget about you for a hot minute

no please don’t say that... by @hello-everyfandom tag yourself, i’m sappy james :(( i just want to attend at least one gryffindor party in my lifetime. thinking of shifting realities :// jkjk i have no free time on my hands :(( but if i ever did, i would for sure visit the marauders and hang out w them in the common room 🥰 hashtag gryffindor pride!

match made by @slytherinquill who is y/n and why does she get all the guys 😔i would hate to have to choose between two boys who like me, but lucky for me no one likes me! as much as it squeezes my heart, i love the fake dating trope with all my heart bc of all the emotions it puts me through - and this one was so well written! love that for the writer, could not be me, i suck at writing <3

too late for love by @futurewriter2000 just the right amount of steam and heartbreak ;( fun fact: i used to only read and write on w**tpad and that was where i read my first hp fanfic after 2 years of being on the app (i had promised myself hp was off limits) and like i was looking on google to see the marauders fancasts and i saw a gif of aaron taylor johnson and i accidentally clicked on it and it took me to a oneshot on this writers page, and i was like “oh well, might as well” and i read it and i was crying and then for a month i was going on incognito tabs to try and read everything on her masterlist and then i caved and got a tumblr and here we are! so shoutout to @futurewriter2000 for being the writer to suck me into this lovely whirlpool that is harry potter fanfiction heehee

numb love by @heloisedaphnebrightmore i love non-cannon stuff because lets face it, my existence is not cannon. but this! this right here! wow! yes! it hurt, but it was worth it! i love how i could still have my own harry potter uni fantasy, but still have it line up with the cannon timeline 🥺

jealous by @writingfortoomanyfandoms short and sweet but dang! my heart did that little b***rflies thingy 😳i think best friend!remus is the best thing ever, and sirius’ little jabs at lovesick james were *muah*

nightmare by @marauder-exe more butterflies! i won’t spoil it - but when the prompt was mentioned (like james used it) i melted onto the floor. i became a puddle of puddy on the floor. i went so soft. i felt like i was in my natural soft girl state. romantic hari was activated :0

summer revelations by @pregnant-piggy YESSS!!! YAAAASSSS!!! SUMMATIIIIME!!! i live in ~la~ and its that kind of nasty hot rn (and during the summer) bc we’re having a heat wave, and i just wish with my entire being, that i could instead spend my summers in the english countryside in a cute french style house with cute boys dancing around their feelings for me. thats the dream right there. y/n has it lucky. i bet she takes that sh*t for granted 😒 jkjk love her! i am her! also i had in mind the exact dress i would be wearing, and bc of the humidity, i’m imagining my curls would be ~activated~ and so my messy bun would just be at peak cuteness <3

pushing the right buttons by @heloisedaphnebrightmore i don’t know why (actually i do) but the word “waist” and the action of “wrapping his arm around your waist” makes me feel something amazing. i’ve learned that my love language is physical touch + affection and this fic has that, and then paired with the idea of someone appreciating my waist just makes my brain go into overdrive. and then shirtless james is obviously a plus as well. 5+ points for that alone. 

uncontrollable wandless magic by @heloisedaphnebrightmore ooo imagine having powers 😏eleven typa beat. (OMG WAIT THE CHARACTER FROM STRANGER THINGS, NOT THE AGE AJKABVKJ)

schemes series!masterlist by @futurewriter2000 OOOO YESSS! this series broke my heart, but like in the best way possible, so its all good. also this fic introduced me to the idea of fantasizing abt mulciber, so i am not complaining. love me some remusxreaderxjamesxreaderxsiriusxreaderxmulciuberxreaderxplatonic!regulusxreader

potter by @mellifluousmalfoy relative of ernie mcmillan??? james potter??? soulmates??? the answer to all of those questions is yes. yes i do. yes i am. yes i is.

a golden lion and the pale blue bird by @remusishotterthansirius im not saying i agree with this authors user, but i a*ree with this authors user. back to the scheduled programming - i love study buddy!remus. like period bestfriend. introduce me to my future mans. you go do that remus. you play matchmaker. go ahead, i give you full permission 😌 

just go by @jamesmydeer i don’t even - i just - when - AGHHH. maybe its like a disease, but i love putting myself through pain via heartbreak stories on tumblr. it gives me a rush. pretending i’m actually in love. its nice ya know? its definitely an obsession, but i think its a healthy one! 

Y’ALL I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING MY HOMEWORK BUT I PROCRASTINATED AND MADE THIS LIST! AHHHH

but its okay bc its been a looong time since i made my first post - which also, ty for the nice messages from all the writers mentioned 🥺

hope you liked these recommendations! i’m sorry if you’re a writer and get tagged in like ever single fic rec list i post, i just really like your stuff 🥺

ANYWAYS I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO DO AND SO LITTLE TIME BYEEEEE

happy reading! 

[radiowrites]

Unchained Melody

He’s teaching her to drive, why can’t he teach her to dance, too?

A Tale of the Nine Tailed fanfiction, one-shot, 2300 words, complete. Ki Yu Ri/Lee Rang, Pre-Series, Rated T

Read it on: AO3 or below the cut:

“Pull over here,” Rang said. “I’m driving home.”

“Why?” Yu Ri asked.

“I’m just ready to get home in one piece.”

Yu Ri huffed and did as he told, pulling into the small parking lot too quickly, scattering gravel. She didn’t think she was doing that badly, because hey, she had only been driving for three days. Going through that red light was probably the final straw. She thought she’d make it through the yellow. He said that wasn’t how it worked.

She vacated the driver’s seat and stamped her foot as he took the keys. Unmoved, he slid into the car.

“Are you going to continue making a scene?” Rang asked through the open window. “People are watching.”

Not giving her a chance to answer, he started to roll the window up with a smile playing on his lips.

There were five or so people hanging out on the back steps of the building, a single security light casting a sickly yellow glow over them. It looked like a dive bar or a seedy club. They stared at Yu Ri in her pale blue sundress and platform sandals. She felt overdressed, and she considered this one of her simple outfits. Who knows what they thought of Rang, who always looked like he had stepped off a fashion runway.

One woman’s eyes widened when Yu Ri lifted her upper lip in irritation. Yu Ri assumed the woman would later explain away the fangs she had seen as a side effect of the alcohol.

Yu Ri tossed her long brown hair and rapped on the glass with her knuckles. “Maybe I’ll walk,” she said loudly.

He shrugged and put the car into drive.

Would he really leave her there? With what Yu Ri actually was, Rang would know she was in absolutely no danger. Which meant she wouldn’t put it past him. She scurried around the front of the car and jumped into the passenger seat.

Once safely settled in, she threw him a dirty look. Taking the wheel wasn’t really about them getting hurt in an accident as much as damaging the car, wasn’t in? She put her feet up on the dash, letting her dress shift and bare her thighs. He looked over at her with reproach and she grinned. He was an easily distracted driver. Where did he think she learned it from?

Instead of watching him drive—which would have been good practice, in theory—she picked up her phone. In this day and age, it was pretty easy to learn to be human, Yu Ri had to admit. Humans uploaded videos of everything. All their life stages. All their big events. She could pull up a video of the simplest things. People talking. People laughing. Manners at a restaurant and etiquette when invited to someone’s home. Families. Couples.

Yu Ri acted like watching these things were part of her pass-as-a-human curriculum, but they had become more to her. When she laid down at night the videos replayed in her head, except she found herself in them, truly a part of the mundane moments. These were happy dreams, far better than her usual ones. They weren’t something she could share with Rang. He wanted her to pass as human and yet believe herself above them. It was a hard line to walk for her, and she couldn’t conceive what it was like for an actual half-human like him.

But when she woke after such a dream, she was immediately reminded how far she still had to go before she could truly blend in. Right now she was just playing a foolish game. Oh sure, she had picked up the language well enough. She was able to dress herself now. But, sometimes she forgot to use the utensils at the table. People involuntarily stepped away when she stood too close. Baring her teeth at the woman in the parking lot wasn’t her only indiscretion. The other day she had growled at someone on the subway. She was pretty sure the guy had liked it though, and that was way worse.

All in all, she was doomed to fail at this, she was certain. But she still wanted to try.

Yu Ri shoved her phone at Rang with a video playing. “This is dancing, right?”

He didn’t look away from the road. “Sure.”

She pouted, pulling the phone back. The two figures flowed across the floor, hands on shoulders and waists, eyes trained on each other. She started the clip over and watched it again. Yu Ri swayed slightly in her seat, mimicking the movement the best she could.

“I want to try this,” she said.

“I don’t dance.”

She looked over at him with raised eyebrows. “Six-hundred-years-old and you can’t dance?”

“I said I don’t, not I can’t.”

She rolled the words on her tongue. She didn’t think there was that much of a difference, but she would remember it for the future.

Rang pulled into the parking garage of the apartment. Yu Ri dutifully studied the way he parked the car. Pulled the key. Looked over at her with his dark eyes. Her gaze fell back down to her phone. Okay, maybe she was just watching him instead of his actions.

“If you’re going to pick up a hobby, we can find you an instructor,” he said.

“You’d trust me with a stranger? What if I do something not-human?”

“Then I’ll erase a few memories and get a good laugh out of it.”

He got out of the car and she followed, sullen.

 Yu Ri dropped onto one end of the sectional sofa. She wasn’t done yet.

“You’re teaching me to drive,” she said. “How is that any different?”

“You probably should have an actual instructor for that, too.”

She tapped her bare feet on the floor, thinking for another approach. “I could probably find a dance partner at that bar,” she said.

Sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, absently on his phone, Rang ignored her.

Rude.

She picked up her own phone and tried to continue the last video. The description said it was a type of waltz. She really had no idea. She turned up the sound and peered over the phone to see if it had an effect on him.

Rang’s eyes flickered over to her. Ran his hand through his dark hair as he set the phone down. Leaned back and closed his eyes.

Fine. She would give it up, for now. If Rang didn’t want to do something, he was unmovable. And the bar had really been an empty threat. She had a sneaking suspicion the night would end with her needing to be picked up at the police station and him laughing at her.

Nothing said she couldn’t continue her own research though.

Four or seven videos later—she had lost track as she kept following the next suggestion—the dances had become a lot less structured. She had apparently wandered right out of ballroom dancing. Most of these didn’t look like professionals as much as just normal people caught on camera. Just basic slow dancing at parties. Yu Ri worried at her lip with her teeth. The dances had become less sensual and more sexual. Guilt for trespassing onto their secret worlds and desiring to be in their shoes washed over her. She had never felt that way before.

Eyeing Rang, who seemed to have dozed off, the question about guilt died on her tongue. He wouldn’t be able to answer it anyway. But now, she realized why he refused to dance with her. Dancing wasn’t just a sport or a means of exercise. Humans danced with people they loved, too.

Yu Ri stood up and set her phone down gently, tilting it so she could still see the screen. Her body rocked back and forth, imitating the dancers. Her hands grasped at air, but if she thought really hard, she could imagine someone was there, supporting her as she moved slowly across the floor. Being able to envision something that wasn’t really happening was like being in a dream.

She remembered a few times in her past when she had managed to close her mind and make the pain fade away. Back then, there had been no words in her vocabulary for imagination and dreams.

The lyrics of the song playing held no meaning to her, only the slow but steady tempo. Yu Ri closed her eyes as she gently twirled, her feet gliding across the floor. Her dress billowed out around her as she instinctively avoided the low table.

Her empty hands met silky fabric and her eyes flew open as she was guided through the spin. One of her hands naturally grasped at his shoulder, the other was furled into his chest as his hand slid down her back. She swayed with him, slowly rotating, uncertain if she was still in a reverie.

No, this was real. The rapid beat of her heart grounded her. From the exertion, she told herself.

“Loosen your grip on my shoulder, Yu Ri,” Rang said softly. “Leaving bruises isn’t recommended.”

She nodded, concentrating on lifting her fingers and relaxing the iron hold. He took the hand she had clenched into his chest. Releasing his shoulder, she spun away from him like she had seen in one of the videos, held together by their intertwined fingers. Like a thread of fate, she followed it back to him. Her back was now to his chest, and her arm crossed her breasts, their still locked fingers at her hip. His breath was on her neck, and her face was hot. From the exercise, of course.

“I thought,” she said, tripping over her words, “you don’t dance.” At least her feet didn’t betray her.

“I didn’t say I can’t,” he replied, soft laughter in his voice.

She could not remember any more moves she had wanted to incorporate. Perhaps another time, since she already made a mess of perfectly formed dance routines anyway.

There wouldn’t be another time, but the first thought was nicer.

She twirled in his arms so they were face to face again and their steps became slower, smoother. She could sense the atmosphere changing. Their diameter of movement kept shrinking, and she thought he had stiffened slightly when she reached up and draped her arms around his neck. There was a pause before his hands slid to her hips, framing her, holding her. She hadn’t been so close to him in awhile. His scent made her think of ancient forests and tranquil ponds, though she had never been to either. Maybe he’d take her to the place of his childhood one day.

The day she was able to easily decipher Rang’s expressions would be a huge breakthrough indeed. Despite her constant line of questions when it came to human emotions, the concept of love had come up only once. So she had turned to the internet, and that, in all reality, hadn’t helped her much either. Did she love Rang because he had saved her? Did she love him like the family she had never had? Did she love him like a potential mate?

Yu Ri knew, deep down, the word love fit in there somewhere for her, even if she couldn’t pinpoint it down to which one. But Rang had already made it ultimately clear that he wasn’t interested in the word love, in any form. Their relationship was safe. If she tried to ask for something different, he would pull away.

His hands shifted, supporting her back, and he dipped her. She gasped, certain they’d fall despite his cocky smile. Her dark hair streamed out beneath her as she held tighter around his neck. Their eyes locked for a moment before he righted her.

“Nicely done,” Rang said. “Seems like you’re a natural.”

She couldn’t stop the grin from settling on her face. She’d never been a natural at something, especially when it came to human anything. She doubted any of the professionals she had been watching earlier would agree with him, but she would accept the compliment graciously.

The moment broke when the music on her phone changed to something harsh and jarring. Frustrated, her hands unwound from his neck. She knew she had been pushing the limit of how long she could hold him anyway.

Yu Ri picked up her phone and scoffed softly as she turned off the video. Such a little thing could bring her running just because the sound was annoying. She might have been an untamed creature in the not too distant past, but she was quickly domesticating.

When she turned back, he had already left the room. She bit back the urge to call out to him, instead sinking onto the sofa.

Behind her, the jangle of keys made her jump. Her heart sank.

“I’m going for a drive,” Rang said. “Call me if you need anything.”

She nodded, though she didn’t know if he had waited for her acknowledgment as the door clicked behind him. She keenly felt the fact she hadn’t been invited.

The sudden silence hit her hard. She turned the first video back on for just the music, turning up the volume more than before. Why did he decide to dance with her after the initial rejection? The melody, haunting now, was a good companion for her mood.

There was nothing domesticated about Rang. He was always in fight or flight mode. He would revert back to wild in a heartbeat, wouldn’t he? If he deemed she was becoming too attached to him, would she be sent on her way? Did he expect that to happen eventually?

She wouldn’t let that happen, Yu Ri thought as she stood up to continue dancing alone.

[ampleappleamble]

Hey uh so I'm trying something out. Basically, I wrote a fanfiction detailing my OG Watcher Axa Mala's arrival in the Dyrwood, and if you wanna read it, that would be super cool and good of you ♡ I'm trying to get a more fleshed out, proper voice for Axa, and I figured the best place to start would be... at the start.

Please feel free to leave feedback if you end up reading this; I haven't written anything like this in years and I wanted to try and get my sea legs under me again. I've got a few asks I want to try and answer first, but I would very much like to continue this. Let me know what you think!

No real title yet. I think about possible title candidates literally all day.

---

Pillars of Eternity: An Historical Account of the Life and Exploits of Axa Mala, Watcher of Caed Nua

---

I made a promise.

The little woman sat at the back of the crowded little wagon. Her head lolled on her shoulders and her eyes were closed, but she wasn't asleep-- although she was as close to it as her body and mind would allow.

He made a promise. To me.

Still, sleep refused to take her entirely, and so her thoughts drifted through the haze in her mind like dead leaves floating on a pond, tormenting her. Reminding her of everything she was hoping sleep would allow her to forget for a while.

He lied to me.

The wagon jostled her to and fro, her small frame tossed to and fro against the other passengers. Her burgundy hair hung in loose curls over her face, her long, tapered ears limp against her cheeks.

He... betrayed me.

The stale air in the covered wagon, the stuffy miasma of the breath and body odor of other kith, combined with the wagon's insistent swaying-- it reached her even through her dozing, making her head swim. Soon she began to squirm and groan, started feeling flushed and weak.

He betrayed... us. Both--

...All of us.

Even as another passenger gently gripped her shoulder, asking if she was feeling alright, she found herself unable to fully wake. All of a sudden her whole world was the pounding of her heart, the fever on her brow, the thoughts racing through her foggy, half-sleeping mind, whirling madly, a half-dream almost spoken aloud:

traitor-- promise-- liar-- devotion--

She writhed, trembling, teeth chattering, as a nearby folk man trundled to the front of the wagon, hollering for the caravan master to stop. A dwarf seated by her reached across the gap between them and squeezed her hand gently.

"Hey, there. Come on now, you'll be alright. We'll tell the caravan master to stop for you, and we'll get you taken care of. We little kith have to watch each other's backs, after all." She winked, and the orlan only moaned weakly in response, dazed and frightened.

What do I do now? Without them? ...Him. Am I-- I'm--

And finally, she shuddered violently, waking. Her violet eyes snapped open to stare blearily at her shaking hands in her lap.

I... I feel...

...Oh. Gods.

...I never should have done this. Any of this.

.........Where are we?

The man who'd alerted the driver had returned, looking paler than before. The caravan had stopped, but not because of her.

---

"There." The hired guard gestured toward a large bush bristling with small, pink berries. "Berries Odema told y' 'bout. Let's get y' fixed up, c'mon."

Axa shuffled miserably behind the blond woman, shivering and panting as her cheeks flushed with fever again. It comes and goes, she thought, gritting her pointed teeth, wiping her brow. What in Hel is this malady?

The exertion from fighting off the local fauna wasn't making her condition any easier to bear, and although the caravan master had told her her illness was common and not very severe, it was bad enough to make taking down a single juvenile wolf a struggle. Been in the books too much perhaps, she thought grimly as she caught up to the folk woman. Another favor academia's done me: Now I'm out of shape and out of friends.

As she knelt before the bush, she couldn't help but heave a long, shaky sigh. Well. Maybe I ought to be a bit easier on myself. I've had a... difficult month. And now, this shit on top of it all. Maybe I should find a temple, make a sacrifice to Rymrgand... She tried to laugh, but it came out a weak cough instead.

Calisca side-eyed the little woman as they harvested the berries together, a slight smirk playing on her chapped lips. Maybe it was the orlan's small stature making her resemble a folk child, or maybe it was her stubborn, sulky silence, but she couldn't help but be reminded of her youngest brother. He was a studious, taciturn lad who had yearned to be taken seriously, but always pouted and whined at any little splinter or bruise. Not to say she thought the orlan was faking it, just that she seemed to be acting worse off than she looked. She knew orlans were intense by nature, so maybe she was just being dramatic. After all, she'd flirted with that Aedyre merchant back at camp easily enough.

But when she really thought about it, the fuzzy little redhead had been quiet and withdrawn the whole trip down, ever since they'd rolled out of Ixamitl. None of the other travelers had had much to say about her when asked, other than that she was apparently a former lore college student who seemed content to keep to herself. And Calisca had suffered the Rumbling Rot herself enough times to know that it didn't render a kith this out of sorts. So either she was exaggerating, Odema was talking complete horseshit, or she had something weighing her down besides the fever and chills.

Each answer was as likely as the other, and Calisca's response was the same either way: try and get her talking, lighten her up. Didn't need her bringing the mood down further for the other caravanners, making a bad situation worse. Better to try and make friendly, put her at ease. It'd certainly make this shitshow of a night pass easier.

"People're talkin' about you at camp, like kith will. Word is you're a loremaster from the Plains." Calisca paused her berry picking to glance around, scanning for any movement from the underbrush. "Or somethin' like that anyway. What was it you used to study?"

Axa snorted and winced simultaneously. She could understand and appreciate an attempt at small talk, but the other woman had chosen the worst possible avenue of inquiry. Maybe if she had asked about her love life, that would be worse...

"Loremaster? Hardly. Scholar. ...Of history." The orlan's response was short and clipped, but her voice was deep and rich, clearly accustomed to song and public speaking. Her Ixamitl accent was only partially obfuscated by her easy proficiency in Aedyran. "Well. Linguistics, really. And naturalism. Studying cultures and languages, you know. History is more of a catch-all term..." She gestured vaguely, waving one hand about, dropping half of her harvest in the process. Calisca snorted this time, and she couldn't deny the relief she felt when the little woman laughed along with her instead of getting offended.

"History and language, huh?" The fighter bent down to collect the fallen fruit, a wry grin on her ruddy face. "Come out here to study how we Dyrwoodans been butcherin' Aedyran with our accents and cussin'? ...Truth be told, I might like to read that paper." She rolled her head around on her shoulders, stretching her neck. "Well... maybe have someone read it to me."

"I'm... No, I'm not here on behalf of any college. I'm not here for anyone." She wasn't smiling anymore. Another awkward silence. Calisca was getting ready to just change the topic to something less incendiary when Axa looked away--

just explain before you have to suffer the humiliation of being asked!!

-- and sighed. "I was expelled. I... made a poor choice, trusted someone I shouldn't have, and I was forced out of my community." If the fever hadn't reddened her face, this confession certainly had. The berries bled juice from between her fingers, smashed in her shaking fists. "I lost my academic standing, my career, my... everything. So now I'm here. Because it was this or killing myself, and with my luck that would probably just piss off Berath."

There. That's all. You've said the essentials, you've admitted it out loud, it counts as the truth, and you don't need to say it again if you don't want to. Axa looked at the ground, angry at herself, at her shame, at the tears pricking the corners of her eyes. It wasn't that bad, wasn't that bad, wasn't...

If Calisca was at all shocked by the former scholar's outburst, she hid it well. "Damn rough turn, that," she drawled, shaking her head slowly. "...Well, gods know we've all done shit we ain't proud of. Made moves we've regretted. Important thing's to learn from it. And considering you made a living at it once, you're probably pretty good at learnin'. Ain't that right, scholar?" She tried a heartening smile, and found it came more easily than she'd thought it would. "That's what the Dyrwood's all about. Second chances."

Self-pity and gratitude washed over Axa in equal measure. A complete stranger had to be the one to do it-- a mercenary at that-- but at long last, someone had finally sympathized with her, taken her at her word, and given her a few words of encouragement. How had this taken so long?

"I... yes, I suppose you're right." She wiped her hands on the grass and groped for another berry-laden branch. "I have to admit, it does help to hear someone else actually say it. Academia is infested with egoists who refuse to back down, who never learn from their mistakes. It's refreshing to be reassured by a fellow kith of the universal truth that... we are all fuck-ups from time to time." She grinned. "And that the point of life is to learn. A cool hand on a hot brow." Axa looked up at the other woman. "Thank you, Calisca."

And with that, Calisca finally felt herself relax. Despite the blocked road, the sick passenger, the dangerous ruins, the threatening weather-- despite it all, she had actually managed to get through to this girl and turn a potential shitshow into a manageable little fiasco. Not bad at all. And Odema thinks he pays me more than my work's worth! She chuckled to herself as she turned back to the task at hand.

"So. Have a destination in mind?" She plucked a few more of the riper-looking berries. Her hands moved at a leisurely pace; they were nearly finished already.

"Gilded Vale. Local lord is practically giving away land." Axa picked slowly, too, still groggy and fatigued from fever and chills.

Calisca nodded. "I heard about that. Got a sister in Gilded Vale myself." The mercenary smiled at the thought of Aufra, but her stomach twisted with anxiety when she remembered that letter. She pushed it out of her mind.

"Any idea what you'll be occupying yourself with? Bein' honest, don't know what kinda life a professional book reader might carve out for herself in a little farming community like the Vale." The blonde woman smiled at her to reassure her that she was joking, but Axa was staring into the middle distance and didn't notice.

The orlan woman sighed, long and slow and heavy. "I have... no idea what I'm going to do next," she murmured.

This was not an exaggeration.

---

"Don't trust them! They mean to kill us all!"

It had all happened in a flash. The Glanfathans had appeared out of nowhere, slaughtered the poor travellers, gutted Odema, and Heodan had thought himself Berath's for certain. But he'd hoped against hope that maybe, maybe someone would discover the grisly scene and come charging in to save the day. ...Preferably before he got his throat slit.

He had nearly cried out with relief when he saw Calisca step into the light before him, sword raised high. Almost hadn't noticed the woman at her side, before recognizing her as the sick passenger he'd sold a dagger to not 40 minutes prior. But when the stinking savage holding him hostage responded to the women's presence by pressing his blade to Heodan's throat, he'd been shocked to see that timid, sullen little orlan suddenly leap to his defense.

She had recognized them as Glanfathans, and she had been clever enough to try to mollify them by explicitly stating that they did not disturb the ruins. But her calls for amnesty had fallen on deaf ears, and Heodan had warned her as a last resort. Now the orlan woman stood stock still, her eyes darting around frantically as she puzzled over how best to proceed.

superstition-- passionate-- galawain-- belligerent--

Focus, please. She drew a deep, calming breath.

...They won't be pacified by words alone, it seems. So... time to push our luck.

For a few terrifying moments, Heodan thought she might actually surrender her weapon trying to appease the madman. But instead she stepped forward, lowering her sabre but not relinquishing it. "Tell me, man of Eir Glanfath. Do you truly think your hunter god smiles upon your deeds?" She stared steadily into his eyes, her face an impassive mask. "Protecting these crumbling stones, long after their builders have been reclaimed by the Wheel... seems to run counter to Galawain's tenet of the young and strong overthrowing and replacing the old. Wouldn't you say?" Axa glanced at Heodan, a clear "I'm trying, please hang in there" in her wide, panicky eyes.

The axe at Heodan's throat shifted slightly, the man holding it leaning forward in his fervor to defend his beliefs. Heodan winced against the assault of the man's hot, stinking breath on his cheek, the roar of his raspy voice.

"You know nothing of our ways, estramor! My people have followed the Lord of Beasts for centuries, known of his sacred decrees for longer than your miserable bloodline has stood! Galawain charged my people with the sacred task of safeguarding--"

Oh, horseshit! Don't let him--

"You call this holy work?" Axa cried, gesturing at the bodies surrounding them. "Brutalizing innocent travelers to 'defend' an empty temple? If you believe that, you'd believe anything-- anything so long as it allows you to kill who you please, no matter how helpless." Her eyes bore into the man, disgust and indignance plain on her face. "I see what you really are, coward."

It only lasted a second, but a second was all he needed. The Glanfathan faltered under the woman's verbal assault, and Heodan took full advantage, dropping out of his grip and falling into an evasive roll. He heard the warrior scream with fury, heard Calisca roar a ragged battle cry, heard the orlan woman start chanting...

And after the deed was done, before they could even catch their breath, the bîaŵac was upon them.

---

I know him.

She stood, but only just barely.

How do I know him?

Calisca and Heodan... did not stand. Would not stand again. That man, the masked man--

...He did this.

Oh gods. Oh fuck, I'm in trouble.

She stumbled over the ancient, uneven cobblestones, the fever and chills a distant memory. She could swear she heard voices, and telling them apart from her own jumbled, raving thoughts was becoming more and more difficult.

He did this, he killed them, just like he killed--

...like he

The ghostly image of a woman burning alive on a wooden stake sprung up in front of her, and the little woman fell to her knees, covering her face, screaming--

i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't do this i can't take this please--

-- but when she lowered her shaking hands again, she saw only the grass, the stones, the ruins. Ther pillar and the machine.

Axa made a sound she didn't have a name for, something between a sob and a scream and a bark of crazed laughter. She had honestly believed, when she had woken up this morning, that her life could not possibly get any worse.

...I have to get out of here.

The orlan rose to her feet, slowly, stumbling toward the dirt road leading into the open meadows beyond. The path away from this place.

But she couldn't help looking over her shoulder one last time. At the base of the pillar, where that man

are you prepared, initiate

had stood.

What has he done...? Axa clutched at her head, trembling all over. Her thoughts, it seemed, were still not entirely her own.

What has he done this time...?

She mumbled a prayer to Wael, too exhausted to think anymore, as she slowly started off toward Gilded Vale.

[curiosity-killed]

super long rambling and a fair bit of whining abt my relationship with dance AUs bc this is what my brain chose to fixate on for my whole extremely sloggish run

Because I love dance and because I love writing and because I do rather a lot of both, I pretty consistently struggle with my complete and utter block on writing dance AUs and I’ve basically realized that it comes down to a three-prong barricade that gets progressively harder to overcome as you move through it

Because part of it is just technical. Writing about dance is hard from a dancer’s perspective. I know dance, I know the mechanics of it and the sensations of it. I can walk you through the technical details of a 3-minute variation and I can tell you how my heart lifts and body fills with light the moment I step onto the stage. I can give you the nitty gritty and I can give you the grand metaphors—and I cannot for the life of me balance the lens on the middle ground.

I got asked on bumble what my favorite dance step is and immediately answered tour jete (or entrelace, depending on your school). And then, because the person wasn’t a dancer, I followed up with, “it’s a big fun jump that makes you feel like you’re flying.”

Yeah. That clears everything up.

A story cannot be made by a Big Jump That Feels Like Flying. Do you know how many steps that could cover?? Hell, how many disciplines?? A barrel leap is a big jump that can feel like flying. So is an Italian pas de chat. All three of these are  w i l d l y  different steps.

So there’s the words but—how to translate a language of precise motion and sweeping emotion into plain language accessible to people who haven’t grown up in this pidgin tongue of bad French and weird metaphors. Tombe pas de bourre glissade pas de chat contre temps—this is my language of dance. This is not only clear instruction on what steps to take but also the rhythm of it conveyed in the syllables and accents. I read this and not only see the dance across stage but feel the sway of my torso as I mark along, the flick of my wrist as I shape the steps before they’re taken, physical reminders of 17 years of training and study.

A reader reads this and their eyes glaze over and roll back in their heads.

To go the opposite way, to lay it all out in the actual physical motions is, if possible, even worse. Fall (gracefully) onto your right leg while extending your left with pointed foot to cross your left behind your right to step your right to the side to— *gasp for breath* Yeah, no.

The solution to this, in theory, is the kind of checklist I go through while performing: emotion, motion, technique. (Incidentally, this is the opposite of my checklist while rehearsing or taking class) Draw the reader in with the feel of it, move them with familiar steps, punctuate with the details. In theory. I’ve yet to make it work.

And then there’s the fact that I have had a very weird education and career in dance. I grew up dancing in the rural Midwest US—not exactly a hub of performing arts (and if you mention Joffrey, I will kindly invite you to look up “rural” and then look at Chicago). 

The vast majority of dancers in the rural midwest (...RMWUS??) go to competition schools. Think Dance Moms, high kicks and tricks on Instagram, trophies and tiaras. 

I.....went to a university.

We learned more about kinesiology than kicks. My teachers were fascinated by the way I could “jump like a boy” and didn’t once mention my waist circumference. It would be a lie to say it was all daisies and sweetcakes. We were competitive. Sometimes we were brats. We learned to push through severe physical pain and turned perfectionism to a weapon. Teachers had favorites and older girls could be downright mean.

But, having now danced at a competition studio, it was wildly different. When there were tears in the dressing room, it was because we were graduating and going far across the country from each other—not because a teacher had come in and yelled at the entire cast for 15 minutes right before the show. When auditions came around, we discussed each other’s strengths and weaknesses and together determined what we thought the best casting would be (tbc we did not have a say in casting, it was all just a thought exercise). 

We learned about dance not as an isolated thing we do but as a part of life—dance as an expression of culture, dance as a remarkable maximization of the human body—and are still always welcomed home.

I do, if I’m totally honest, think I got a better education than people at competition schools. But when it comes to writing fanfic...this is not a model of dance that is super easily accessible. Competition dance is on TV, Instagram, it’s all over. A rigorous academic approach to modern ballet...is not.

Lastly and ultimately the biggest stumbling block is: dance has always been a very gendered experience for me. My weird university education was surprisingly queer and unsurprisingly liberal, but I am a ballerina—not a danseur, not a ballet dancer. I grew up huddling under the edge of the grand piano with my friends hastily sewing pointe shoes and tingling with anticipation when we were finally old enough to wear platter tutus. I grew up pulling my hair back in tight buns and only being allowed to wear small earrings in class when I was in high school. 

There’s some crossover of course. I’ve got (as Colorado Ballet says) Mad Hops so my teacher would make me do men’s tempo jumps while the rest of the girls stood on the side and caught their breath. My partner for a pas de deux fell sick one tech week so my best friend, female, partnered me instead. 

Men can (and increasingly do) train in pointe shoes and wear tutus. Look at James B. Whiteside and Harper Watters for some of the most obvious examples. It is wonderful and remarkable to see gender roles changing in ballet and dance and that should be expressed in fiction as well. Men dance. Men do ballet and not just to hold up the women or to do big jumps. They can point their feet too, y’all.

(Here is where the whining really begins. Just so you’re warned.)

But when I sit down to write, the stories I want to tell are the stories I know—queer women growing up and training and learning together and challenging and supporting each other. The way you are taught ballet is very dependent on your gender. Men can train in pointe shoes, but that’s not the classical or traditional route. 

While my friends and I were taping our toes and grimacing about dead shanks, the guys in our cohort were in a separate class learning how to perform big jumps and turns in second. While I was cinching tight my friend’s corset-back bodice, the guys were in tights and a shirt. Again with the jumps—it wasn’t that I was a good jumper or that I was a strong jumper, it was that I jumped like a man. It was a compliment, but it was also an exception.

Meanwhile, most of my fandoms are very heavily male. The one time I attempted to write a dance AU was for VLD and I immediately ran into the baffling problem of “There are too many boys.” As someone who’s danced my whole life...this is not (usually) a problem in the real world of dance. If I write AUs about the main characters, I am writing about male dancers. Again, great! We need more positive and varied depictions of men dancing—but it’s not what I want to write.

I wrote out an entire paragraph here only to realize that the crux of the problem is actually the usual crux of my problem with gender in fanfiction and it is, quite simply: I want more well-developed female characters. Because I can write a story about side characters, but there’s so much less to go on — and sometimes, that’s where the fun comes in. Getting to play with and create a wealth of history and character for a written-off member of the cast can be really fun. But, for me at least, the delight of AUs is slipping in and twisting around canon in a new context.

If I write a wangxian ballet AU, Wei Wuxian’s demonic cultivation can be traded for his switching abruptly to a new studio—one that uses harsh methods, demands too much from him, cuts him off from the people he used to dance with—all so that the money from his tuition can be turned to help Jiang Cheng continue at his chosen academy and pursue dance professionally. It’s a stretch, it’s a twist, but it’s within a frame readers recognize.

If I write a ballet AU with Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing...well, it’s all free form. We have so little to go on that you can make it work—Cloud Recesses becomes a summer intensive, Wen Ruohan’s conquest becomes the buying out and closing of the Jiang academy for some new development—but there’s less resonance. We’re on new ground and the reader has to offer up a lot more trust and disbelief. 

Which I suppose leads us to genderbends?? Good lord. I do not know my own feelings about that enough to go anywhere. b l a r g h

so i guess this is all to say: writing good, dance good, writing dance hard. pouty face pouty face pouty face :<

[animezing-fandoms]

Hey, i always enjoy reading fics but lately i kind of been wanting to try writing one myself. Are there any tips you can give me? I haven't ever written anything, i do have a big imagîtion, but i'm also kind of scared for language errors. English isn't my first language and although i am fluid in English, i'm afraid i won't be able to express myself in words in a way that would be enjoyable for others. How did you get over these fears and just in general, get started?

Well first I started out by roleplaying. Basically me and another person would pick a character and then we’d come up with a story together, each playing as our own characters. But then I started getting more specific ideas in my head and decided to just write them as fanfiction on my own, instead of hoping the other person would catch on to what I want. XD  Basically, the best way to get started is to just write. Don’t worry so much about technicalities and language. That stuff will come with time as you keep writing in English. Sometimes, what you can do is have a beta reader, which is someone who basically proof-reads your work and corrects spelling and grammar mistakes and sometimes offers feedback before you post it, but you don’t have to have that. 

I was never afraid to post my work because I saw other people do it, so honestly don’t be afraid to share your work. You may get some negative comments at first since you’re new and English isn’t your first language but honestly, you can ignore stuff like that. The more you write, the better you’ll get at it. But, as an experienced writer, there are a few tips I’ll give you on stuff that I see a lot of new writers do that prevents readers from enjoying the story. 

Notice how before I start a new topic I start a new paragraph? That’s something you should always do in your fic. If people click on your story on Ao3, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr and see a huge block of text, they’ll exit out of it because it’s super difficult to read like that. Every time you switch a character’s POV, or the topic changes, you should have a new paragraph/line. 

Same goes for dialogue. Every time you switch who’s speaking, you need to start a new line. Also make sure you use the character’s names at the beginning of the conversation, and especially if you have two characters of the same gender/use the same pronouns then you’ll use their names more often when indicating who’s speaking so we know which line of dialogue belongs to which character. 

Those are all basic things to keep readers from not reading your fic and/or getting confused while trying to read it. But something else that I don’t see mentioned too often but is really good advice is don’t be afraid to be descriptive. At first you might think that keeping things short and sweet when it comes to describing appearances and actions is the way to go, especially if you don’t have such a big vocabulary. But if you keep your descriptions short then it’s harder to visualize what the idea you’re trying to convey is and the reader just gets this very robotic caricature of what your vision is instead of what you saw in your head. 

Now, for someone who’s not a native English speaker, this might be kind of hard because your vocabulary might be limited. But if you feel like you’re using a word too much or there’s another word in your first language that you want to use but you don’t know the English equivalent, look it up online! Google translate isn’t as awful as some people make it out to be, especially if you’re only looking up one word as opposed to a sentence. And it will pay off immensely because if the reader can see what the character’s facial expression, tone of voice, and body stance in a scene is as well as what dialogue is being said, it’ll entice the reader that much more because it will have a lot more feeling and emotion behind it than just basic descriptions of what’s being said and by whom.

Now, here’s some examples of what I’ve just explained to you; the first one is an example of what you definitely should not do that I see a lot of new writers do: 

Natsu walks into the guild hall with Happy. He goes over to the job board and picks out a job. “Hey Natsu, this job looks like something Lucy would want to do!” Happy says.“Yeah, maybe she would want to do it. Let’s go find her and ask.” Natsu says. “Hi Natsu!” Lucy calls as she walks into the guild hall. “What job are you looking at?” she asks and looks at the flier. “It’s a job for a Celestial Wizard at an observatory. They’re having a star gazing party tonight and want to have a wizard there to provide some knowledge and magic to entertain people and provide knowledge on the different constellations!” Happy says. “Wow that job sounds perfect for me!” Lucy says. “My spirits would love to share their stories and magic with people, and a beautiful clear night under the stars is always such a romantic sight!” She says and blushes. “Too bad you won’t have a date!” Happy jokes and Lucy frowns at him. “I could bring a date if I wanted to! But it sounds like I’ll be too busy working, so bringing a date wouldn’t be a smart idea anyways.” Lucy sighs. “You don’t need to bring some random guy.” Natsu says and slings his arm around her shoulders. “Happy and I will come with you!” “Really! Why do you guys want to come?” Lucy asks, blushing. “Yeah Natsu why do we want to come?” Happy asks. “It’s not like we’ll be doing anything to help.” “We can help Lucy!” Natsu says. “We always drag her on jobs that stress her out somehow but this one is her dream job, we should be there with her to support her since she’s always there for us. And maybe we’ll learn a little something too. It’s the least we can do. Don’t you think so Happy?” Natsu asks. “Aye Sir!” Happy says. “Aw, Natsu that’s so sweet and surprisingly mature of you. Can you promise me that you’ll behave when we’re there?” Lucy asks. “Nope!” Natsu says and Lucy sighs. 

-------------

Now, how did you feel reading that? Did you even want to? It was hard right. There was no separation of lines so it’s easy to get lost in the words and forget who’s speaking what line and what’s going on. That’s why when readers click on a story and see that, they give up immediately. It’s impossible to immerse yourself in a story if you’re getting lost in the dialogue and descriptions and don’t know where one starts and one ends. It’s really difficult to read so even if your idea is good, if it’s formatted like that, the idea won’t shine through because it’ll get lost. 

Now look at what a difference just adding those line separations makes:

Natsu walks into the guild hall with Happy. He goes over to the job board and picks out a job. 

“Hey Natsu, this job looks like something Lucy would want to do!” Happy says.

“Yeah, maybe she would want to do it. Let’s go find her and ask.” Natsu says.

“Hi Natsu!” Lucy calls as she walks into the guild hall. “What job are you looking at?” She asks and looks at the flier. 

“It’s a job for a Celestial Wizard at an observatory. They’re having a star gazing party tonight and want to have a wizard there to provide some knowledge and magic to entertain people and provide knowledge on the different constellations!” Happy says. 

“Wow that job sounds perfect for me!” Lucy says. “My spirits would love to share their stories and magic with people, and a beautiful clear night under the stars is always such a romantic sight!” She says and blushes. 

“Too bad you won’t have a date!” Happy jokes and Lucy frowns at him. 

“I could bring a date if I wanted to! But it sounds like I’ll be too busy working, so bringing a date wouldn’t be a smart idea anyways.” Lucy sighs. 

“You don’t need to bring some random guy.” Natsu says and slings his arm around her shoulders. “Happy and I will come with you!” 

“Really! Why do you guys want to come?” Lucy asks, blushing. 

“Yeah Natsu why do we want to come?” Happy asks. “It’s not like we’ll be doing anything to help.” 

“We can help Lucy!” Natsu says. “We always drag her on jobs that stress her out somehow but this one is her dream job, we should be there with her to support her since she’s always there for us. And maybe we’ll learn a little something too. It’s the least we can do. Don’t you think so Happy?” Natsu asks.

“Aye Sir!” Happy says. 

“Aw, Natsu that’s so sweet and surprisingly mature of you. Can you promise me that you’ll behave when we’re there?” Lucy asks.

“Nope!” Natsu says.

Lucy sighs. 

------------

See the difference? That was probably a lot easier to read. I bet you read it a lot quicker too. There’s a reason that this format is used in books! The same format needs to be applied to fanfiction in order for it to be more readable! 

But while the format may be better, the description is still lacking which makes for a boring story. You may be able to understand what Natsu, Lucy and Happy are saying and imagine them saying it, but it’s not a very interesting picture if you don’t know what they look like while they’re saying that dialogue, then the readers will be bored and not enjoy the story because while they can get the general gist of what the story is about, they won’t feel as excited about it unless they can read and visualize the emotions that you visualize the characters having in your head. We need to be able to see what you see in order to be engaged with the story. 

So here’s an example of what just adding a little more description of the character’s emotions, body language, brief inner thoughts, and tones of voice among other things to set the scene for readers to see the story you see in your mind:

It was an average morning in Magnolia and Natsu walks into the guild hall with Happy. 

Normally he would go straight to the bar to get some breakfast, but today, he changes course and goes over to the job board because a flier decorated with glittering stars, reminding him instantly of his dear Celestial Mage catches his eye. 

With Lucy’s smiling face pictured in his mind, he plucks the flier from the board and studies it.

Happy hovers over his shoulder and reads the flier too, and understands why it caught Natsu’s attention.

“Hey Natsu, this job looks like something Lucy would want to do!” Happy exclaims.

Natsu rubs his fingers against his chin and his lip curls up into a half-smirk at the mention of her name. 

“Yeah, maybe she would want to do it. Let’s go find her and ask.” Natsu suggests.

But they didn’t have to look far.

“Hi Natsu!” Lucy calls as she walks into the guild hall. 

Natsu smiles and waves at her as she comes over. As she gets closer to her friends, her bright smile turns into a curious frown as she notices that instead of holding a chicken leg like he does every morning, her best friend was holding a job flier.

“What job are you looking at?” She asks once she’s next to Natsu.

Natsu feels his cheeks heat up slightly as Lucy leans forward to read the flier, thus pressing her body closer to his. But they had never been shy when it came to being close to each other, so it didn’t startle him as much as it would have if they weren’t already so close.

“It’s a job for a Celestial Wizard at an observatory. They’re having a star gazing party tonight and want to have a wizard there to provide some knowledge and magic to entertain people and provide knowledge on the different constellations!” Happy explains.

“Wow that job sounds perfect for me!” Lucy says and plucks the flier from Natsu’s hands. “My spirits would love to share their stories and magic with people, and a beautiful clear night under the stars is always such a romantic sight!” She says and blushes while hugging the flier to her chest and swaying slightly as she closes her eyes and fantasizes about it.

“Too bad you won’t have a date!” Happy jokes.

Lucy frowns at him in annoyance of being pulled from her fantasy by Happy’s harsh reminder of reality.

“I could bring a date if I wanted to! But it sounds like I’ll be too busy working, so bringing a date wouldn’t be a smart idea anyways.” Lucy sighs.

Why did her work always seem to impede on her love life? This party would not only be her dream job but her dream date! Too bad she didn’t know any guys who were as interested in her Celestial magic as she was. Or so she thought.

As soon as Lucy had mentioned romance, the gears in Natsu’s head started turning. He didn’t know the first thing about romance. But if romance was what would make this job perfect for Lucy, then it was definitely something he wanted to try if it would make her happy. He would do anything for her, no matter how difficult. He always gives his all for everything important to him, and Lucy may not know it but she was always at the top of his priorities. And as was typical for Natsu, he blurts out the first idea that he comes up with. 

“You don’t need to bring some random guy.” Natsu says and slings his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. “Happy and I will come with you!”

Now that she hadn’t expected. Her face turns pink, from both Natsu’s offer to join her on the job, and the fact that she was currently pressed against his side while tucked under his arm. Even though they’ve embraced many times before, lately, Lucy couldn’t help but get all tingly inside whenever she was this close to him. There was something both exciting and comforting about it that made her heart flutter.

“Really! Why do you guys want to come?” Lucy asks, while blushing. She had no idea what Natsu was going to say next, and her heart immediately hoped it would be something she knew he’d probably never say.

“Yeah Natsu why do we want to come?” Happy asks, breaking Lucy from her thoughts. “It’s not like we’ll be doing anything to help.”

“We can help Lucy!” Natsu says and Lucy’s heart leaps up to her throat, causing her to gasp softly. “We always drag her on jobs that stress her out somehow but this one is her dream job, we should be there with her to support her since she’s always there for us. And maybe we’ll learn a little something too. It’s the least we can do. Don’t you think so Happy?” Natsu asks.

“Aye Sir!” Happy says.

Lucy couldn’t believe her ears. It wasn’t exactly the romantic confession followed by him asking her out on a date that she was imagining, but nevertheless it was sincere and thoughtful and that made warmth spread from her heart across her chest all the same. 

“Aw, Natsu that’s so sweet and surprisingly mature of you.” Lucy says softly while trying to hide her blush. 

Thankfully, Natsu was too busy looking away from her and trying to hide his own blush to notice hers.

As she imagines a perfect night with Natsu under the stars, reality reminds her that this was a job, with Natsu. And that always meant destruction.

 “But, can you promise me that you’ll behave when we’re there?” Lucy asks him with a hopeful smile.

If he was mature enough to go on a job with her that had no interest to him then maybe that meant for once he’d-

“Nope!” Natsu says while flashing her that goofy grin of his.

Lucy sighs and mentally reminds herself not to get her hopes too high when it comes to her relationship with Natsu.

---------

See what a huge difference just adding some description makes? It may have taken you a bit longer to read than the second one, but not that much longer, and honestly readers don’t care how long it takes them to read a story because if it sucks them in, they’ll be absorbed by the story and not even care what time it is. And that’s the point. You want the readers to keep reading. 

After reading the second version of this you probably weren’t too interested in what happens next right? You could close that story and never come back to it. You probably might even forget about it. But with this third version, there’s tension built up by the descriptions. You’re conveying the mutual pining between these two characters. It’s clear that both of them like each other, and that both of them are hoping for something romantic to happen at the star gazing party that night. Will something romantic happen? Probably, since most in-universe fanfiction is written to show what canon leaves unresolved or unexplored. But even with that knowledge in mind, readers will still want to know how it happens in your story! With the second example, they’ll be expecting a rushed resolution that doesn’t delve into the thoughts and feelings of the characters and only their actions. But in the third example, not only are the characters words and actions there, but they’re enhanced by the descriptions that describe their thoughts and emotions about what they’re saying and doing. 

Just by taking a little more time to describe what you see in your mind when you envision what you’re writing, you engage the reader so much more than you ever could with just simple actions and dialogue alone. 

And that’s really the most important thing I want to convey to new fanfiction writers because you don’t often get that kind of advice in comments on the first few stories you post. 

Most people will critique on format and grammar, but I can’t remember ever seeing someone suggest that the writer add more content to their story. 

Words are a writers medium to paint a picture. So use as many words as you can to paint the best picture of what you see in your mind! You don’t have to describe every little detail. Especially in fanfiction since readers will already be familiar with the characters appearances and the locations they’re in if you’re writing an in-universe fic (but if you’re not, then definitely add what they’re wearing and what the location looks like as it sets the scene). But be sure to add if they’re smiling, or blushing, or what their proximity is to other characters because those details may be easily forgotten to a new writer who’s just trying to share their idea with the fandom, but we won’t get the full story you see in your head unless you tell us what the characters are thinking and feeling in those moments! You may see it in your head, but we’re not mind readers. We won’t see what’s in your head unless you put it on the page! 

Writing like this may take you a bit longer to write and if English isn’t your first language then it might mean some trips to google translate to find the word your looking for, but as you can see from my examples above, it’s way worth the extra time it will take in order to put your best work out there to share with the fandom. 

And then right off the bat, the feedback you’re going to get on your first story won’t be “separate the lines” or “fix your grammar” and get straight to people gushing about the content of your story and how you conveyed your idea and how they reacted to it because honestly, when you add more description and the reader can visualize what you’ve written, no one really cares about where you forgot to put a period or misspelled a word. This isn’t a final paper, it’s just for fun! 

And that’s the final piece of advice I want to give to you. This is all for fun. You should feel like you’re having fun when you’re writing a fic, and be happy and encouraged by all of the feedback fellow fans give you on your work. But if there are days when you don’t feel like writing or you’re having a writer’s block. Don’t push yourself. You’re not getting paid to do this. This is something fun for you to do on your own time when you want to. 

Even if people in the comments are begging you for an update, if you don’t have a good idea for the next chapter, or you have too much going on to work on it, they can wait. And they will. Because as a writer, I want to be proud of my work. And I would rather have readers wait six months for a good chapter, than give them a half-assed chapter in three days. Same goes for one-shots. Although people generally won’t beg you to come up with more ideas than they would beg you to update a series you’ve started. And if you never get around to finishing a series because you’ve moved onto another one, that’s okay! Your best work will be whatever you’re passionate about, so always write whatever’s inspiring you the most in that moment. It’ll come out so much better than anything you force yourself to write. And you should never force yourself to write fanfiction. Remember, this is all supposed to be for fun. If you’re not having fun or don’t want to do it then don’t do it! Wait until you want to.

Well, I think that’s enough advice for one post. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask me! 

Now that you have some do’s and don’t’s under your belt, why don’t you try putting one of those ideas in your head into words to share with your fandom! We’re always looking for new content! 

[seekpaleblooddd]

Pop Culture is Culture!

       A circle-jerking gang of people choose to define "pop culture" as opposed to "culture" by slapping an extra word in front of it. I argue they are one and the same! I argue that in the future, historians will look at the start of the twenty first century and speak about Hollywood, Instagram, perhaps even Tumblr or DeviantArt. They will praise them as the great revolution they were and the influence it had on people and art and they will swipe galleries of conceptual photography and experimental theatres plays under the rug, branding them as niche and irrelevant events. 

       There are no more class differences when it comes to the consumption of culture. There was a difference, until some years ago, between what the rich and the poor could consume, a difference which separated folklore from high culture, yet that difference is nowhere to be seen. Centuries ago, you would have had to pay a string quartet to play for you if you wanted to listen to them. A decades ago, you needed to afford to buy an album if you wanted to look at paintings. Now, the rich and the poor alike pay a few dollars a month to browse Netflix, the difference between them being only the size of their TV. The millionaires and the poor students alike scroll on Instagram. In the West, everybody owns a smartphone, a laptop and can afford an internet connection. All that remains to separate the culture consumer to the indifferent man is mere interest … An interest so strong in all of us that is shook entire industries through the rise of internet piracy! 

       Popular does not mean facile. Nothing is worse for an artist than to be understood by everybody! The highest forms of art are those filled with nuance and many layers of meaning, while those who appeal to the lowest common denominator gain popularity! Except … that is not what is happening. 

       As the best example, the most popular series of all time, Game of Thrones, gained its place not because a gang of self-proclaimed intellectuals adored it, but because most people did! They loved it because it did not assume its audience to be stupid. Dozens of Youtube channels rose to hundreds of thousands of subscribers just because they were theorizing on the damn series. And when the series took a turn to more facile and to lack of depth, people lost their shit. 

       We underestimate humanity in general and its ability to read into things, forgetting that everybody grows up with films, and grows up accustomed to film language, forgetting that everybody in school must learn about literature and art. And, most importantly, we forget that … 

       Art must make itself understood. 

       And that started with the mesopotamian reliefs, where the king was made to be bigger than the others, so that everybody looking at the work would understand which one he is. It continued with the Renaissance, with the development of perspective and descriptive geometry, in their struggle to represent the world as it is. It continued with Hitchcock , who experimented with montage so that he could convey ideas through editing, in a way that everybody could understand. It was further theorized by men such as Rudolf Arnheim, who studied the psychology of art, to teach other artists on how they can express themselves without needing further explanation. 

       Why is it then, that we praise art that makes no effort to be understood by everybody? Why do we call it 'high' and 'elite' instead of simply calling it as it is … niche! And why are we so hypocritical in praising certain mediums or genres over others? Nobody considers Black Metal to be high culture (alright … perhaps some Black Metal fans would), despite it being impossible to understand without having listened to some Heavy Metal first. Or, for example, I would not condemn somebody living in the USA for not understanding a Romanian movie about communism! 

       We are suffering from a collective Imposter's Syndrome, where we consume art every single day, yet we demean ourselves by calling it pop culture. We take great movies, whose every single shot was directed and meticulously composed and we shove them in the same category as sports and reality TV. But I also argue that as centuries will pass, the books will speak about Instagram as they speak now of the Impressionists; people will note the day in which the fanfiction platform Archive of Our Own received a Hugo award  and our grandchildren will learn about the great democratisation of art and they will study authors who they will only know by username. 

[vanillacoolatta]

Before middle school, I didn’t know that gay people existed.

During school, I identified as bisexual.

After graduating, I’m trying to be comfortable stating that I’m aro-ace.

This is a long post in which I describe my experiences with dating during my school years and the beginning of my self-acceptance afterwards. This is very, very long, so I inserted a “keep reading” tab.

Trigger warnings for brief alcohol/drug mentions (not about me), a toxic relationship, brief strong language at the end, and internalized queerphobia. Do not read if these make you uncomfortable.

When I was 12, I learned of the LGBT+ community.

When I was 13, I started questioning my sexuality and gender orientation.

I grew up in a conservative part of the midwest US, where “gay” was a swear word and I had, as such, never heard of such a thing. I knew absolutely nothing about the LGBT+ community - didn’t even know it existed. I cannot overexaggerate this; literally 0 knowledge that men could like men or women could like women (let alone other stuff). The very first time I heard the term “LGBT” was when I moved to a bluer state in the northeast, where rich old white people inhabited most places but their grandchildren were much more progressive.

I had a best friend who came out to me as pansexual and transgender. Naturally, I felt comfortable enough to come out to him as bisexual and genderfluid. 

Now, of course, this was one of the most confusing periods of my life. I was barely a teenager, new to the sixth grade, and coming back to a school system after having been away for a year. I was making new friends and learning a new way of life. I was stressed out and generally confused about most things, which probably contributed to a lot of things.

I jumped around schools a lot, but we finally found one to stay around a while and I started making friends. I ended up mostly drifting around friendgroups but made one friend in particular who had the same classes as me, so we hung out a bit more. He eventually came out to me as a trans guy. He wasn’t a very good teacher, but the information he gave me served as a stepping stone to get me into further research. A few months later, I came out to him as bisexual and genderfluid. I thought I was bisexual because I noticed attractive traits in both guys and girls that we knew. I thought I was genderfluid because I didn’t feel great being called a girl all the time but didn’t feel okay to make the jump all the way to being called a boy. (for reference, I was born female.)

This led into my first relationship with another friend of mine the following year. Our school had a Halloween dance every year and I seemed to be the only person without a date, so I guess I tried to convince myself that I had a crush on this girl, who we can call Ella. I genuinely convinced myself I “liked” her (not the first time - this exact thing had happened to me in literally kindergarten when all the girls were talking about their crushes so I picked a random boy to pretend I “liked”) and asked her to go to the dance with me. She agreed, we went, and by the end of the night we agreed to date. This went on for a few weeks at most, when one day she told me in social studies that we should break up because we never did anything “couple-like”. I readily agreed and we went on with our lives as friends, even through the beginning of high school.

A year after that, in 8th grade, I got into the online scene, but not like you might think. My app of choice? Google+. Yeah. I wasn’t allowed to have traditional social media, so that was my compromise. I, of course, went through every phase under the sun during this year (anime, emo, SuperWhoLock, you name it), and therefore got into online roleplaying. This is how I met a girl that we’ll call “Ariel”. We roleplayed together for months and I eagerly dictated this to my friend, who questioned frequently if we were “just friends” or not. Being a paranoid 14-year-old, I panicked and sent Ariel a message asking how she felt about online relationships. (We had video called and such before, so we were both confident that neither was some creep lying about our age.) She replied enthusiastically and we collectively decided to try dating. We were together for two or three months until she, like Ella, said that we never did “couple-like” things and she would rather we just be friends. She even dictated her new relationship to me (turns out she had been seeing a guy at her school without telling either of us the situation), which led to a lot of insecurity for me. This made me feel jealous because I felt like I had lost my best friend - she barely texted me anymore, let alone held a conversation. This jealous feeling seemingly reinforced my alloromantic (”experiencing-romance”) status through my freshman year and into my sophomore year, when I met the next person I dated.

This went on for a long, long time until finally, at the end of the school year and 6 months into our relationship, he gave me a deadline and said we had to break up if I wouldn’t be in an open relationship. Again, I was desperate beyond measure to be in a close relationship with somebody and, having no other friends at the time, reluctantly accepted this since I didn’t think I had a choice. After two more months of namecalling, blameshifting, and guiltripping, I called him, sobbing, and told him I wouldn’t do it anymore. I broke up with him and tried to move on with my life, but it felt impossible since nobody else, not even my parents, had known any of this had happened. I’m only now starting to move past it and accept that I’m worth more than that, but it’s been a rocky road.

This time around, I thought I had learned from my mistakes. He (genderqueer, we’ll call him Martin) was a year older than me and was wrapped up in a lot of drama, but I didn’t know this until we started dating.

He had some sort of ankle injury and we had a mutual friend, so I helped him carry his backpack to a class we had together when he asked for my phone number. Thinking this would lead to another good friendship, I readily agreed and moved on with my day. That night, he texted me, telling me that he had a crush on me since the beginning of the year and asking if he could take me to Homecoming. At this point, I was desperately wanting for a close, personal relationship, and so accepted. We went and he asked to kiss me at the end of the night, which I hesitantly agreed to.

We were thrown into almost a year-long relationship, in which I discovered his problems with alcohol, weed, cigarettes, and cheating. (I was 15, he was 16!! very illegal to be drinking and smoking!!!! i tried to ignore it, but learn from my mistakes!! if this happens to you and you fall in with the wrong crowd, get out of there!!)

He told me 2 months in that he was polyamorous, but I was and am very uncomfortable with the idea of personally being in an open relationship, so he told me that he would respect my wishes and remain monogamous while we were together. This was a lie. He cheated frequently, since I wouldn’t have sex with him, and pretended he was kicked out of his house so that he would have an excuse to be sleeping at someone else’s (and cheating all the time). He bragged about this to his friends, had the person he was cheating with brag about it, and took advantage of the fact that I refused to know his phone password (he offered when we first got together, but I didn’t want to snoop through his personal stuff so I said no).

He tried to start a lot of fights, calling me names and blaming things (like his substance abuse) on me, telling me I stressed him out too much. I fell into the darkest part of my life so far, distancing myself from all of my friends and family, and barely sleeping or eating. I kept telling him I wasn’t very comfortable kissing him (I thought it was since he was my first kiss) and needed time to calm down when he asked me to, but he kept initiating stuff like that in the hallways and I eventually gave in, choosing instead to go to the bathroom to hide afterwards. This was only the surface, but it makes me too sick to talk about the rest. (Nothing else physical, thank god)

Over this whole time, I read fanfiction. I read loads and loads of self-insert fanfiction. I was desperately searching for that personal connection, for that feeling you get when you think you can tell somebody anything. I yearned for it, craved it even, and was wholly unhealthy for me in that I spent all of my free time doing so. I’ve stopped that now, but it’s still difficult for me when I start to feel really lonely.

I have only ever had one other relationship, and that was for about a month near the end of my last year of school. (We can call him Tyler) He identified as cisgender and straight, while I tentatively identified as a gay transgender guy to my friends. A mutual friend told me that Tyler liked me and so, when Tyler asked for my phone number, I spilled in my first text about my gender identity so that, if he wanted to, he would never have to ask me out and I would never have to feel awkward. A few days later, I agreed to a movie date - I didn’t feel anything romantic towards him, but I guess I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t “broken” and that I could mean something to somebody.

After this date, we continued to meet up around town in some of my favorite places. During these times, we shallowly discussed my gender orientation and he asked if “this made him bisexual”, to which I had no answer. After dating for a month or two, we stopped meeting up because of timing issues (work, volunteering, and finishing our last year of school got in the way). Slowly, we stopped texting. This one was mostly my fault, since I’ve been known to go radio-silent for weeks before sending a random text at 3AM. He texted me after not speaking for two weeks, telling me in seven words or less that we should break up because we never text and, once again, never did “couple-like” things. I agreed calmly, feeling much more comfortable with this since I had a best friend at the time, and we pretty much never spoke again.

Moral of the story? My whole life, I tried to put myself in a box - don’t do that. After only a few months of even knowing about the existence of the queer community, I felt pressured to come out and call myself something. I wanted to “fit in” with the people around me, who I saw dating people and having boyfriends and girlfriends and asking me why I didn’t have one. This led to a lot of bad decisions and unnecessary negativity in my life, which led to a lot of the negative habits I still deal with today. 

This isn’t to say that these relationships didn’t teach me something. Ella taught me how to have fun with people at that Halloween dance and helped me to make other friends. Ariel helped me to realize that online relationships and friendships aren’t really my thing. Martin, fucked up as he left me, started me on the path to realizing how to cut off toxic relationships and recognizing that I do not exist solely for other people’s pleasure. Tyler was the one who opened my eyes to the boxes I had made for myself when he asked me if he was still straight (he is, I was a glitch in the system since I was trans and he has never and will never be attracted to anyone AMAB) and inadvertently helped me to start questioning my orientation again.

The thing that’s most messed up for me here is that I think I could have learned all this if these people had merely been my best friends (minus some of the unwanted kissing and stuff). I would have gone to that dance with Ella and my other friends. I would have realized I was uncomfortable with online relationships just by observing friends that Ariel introduced me to. Martin treated his friends really shittily too and I think I still would have realized my worth (probably would have listened in the beginning when somebody tried to warn me, too). I likely would have started questioning my orientation again regardless of Tyler, he just helped me to do it sooner.

The only reason I had these romantic relationships is because I felt pressured to do so. Pressured by my friends? Definitely. Inadvertently pressured by the people who asked me out? For sure. Subconsciously pressured by myself? More absolutely than either of those other things. I came out within two months of learning about the LGBT+ community. I stayed with this identity I had “chosen” for years and years, only ever “tweaking” my perception slightly, never stopping to wonder if I was wrong. 

What I did wonder was if I was broken. If a past relationship had left me so shattered that I lost the ability to feel. In reality, I never possessed the ability to feel what I was looking for. I never felt romantic attraction in all those years - not once. I was terrified to think that I couldn’t be romantic and forced myself to believe that what I was experiencing was romantic feelings because I didn’t want to admit that maybe I just...couldn’t.

I still struggle with this. I still struggle to say that I’m aromantic and asexual, but I am. I have to deal with that now, but I’m slowly coming to terms with it. I finally feel comfortable in my own head without having to lie about the nature of my interpersonal relationships. I officially un-came out about my gender, since I’m still actively questioning, though I’m leaning towards somewhere nonbinary.

I feel more free in this aspect than I ever have. Without forcing myself to think about having to come up with a romantic relationship, I’ve eliminated a major source of stress in my life. I can openly recognize that if this ever changes, I can just...let it change. I don’t have to jump through hoops to call myself alloromantic if it turns out I feel romantically toward somebody.

Not all aromantic or asexual people have been in romantic relationships. Not all who have regret it. Not all who have were uncomfortable. This is my way of learning, my way of feeling, and that fact comforts me. The fact that there are people like me, that I am not broken, and that my past experiences don’t change the validity of my current reality. I am proud to be aromantic, something I have never felt before. I am proud of myself knowing that, even though I’ve settled on a name for myself, I can decide to change that if I start to feel differently. There is no “good enough” anymore, because there is no standard I have to meet in order to identify as myself. I am me, and I am a human being who changes and fluxes and rises and falls like the tide.

You are not broken. You are you. You are a human being who changes and fluxes and that’s okay. You will always be good enough, because you are you.