#best therapist hell's got i'm convinced!

[blitzbuckz]

【𐂃】 they were both a bawling mess, as much as Blitzø refused to admit it-- it was plain as day. He couldn't keep up the tough guy act, not when he had finally received the closure he's been yearning.

They had a series of unfavorable accidental encounters, which were finally laid to rest with this one more unpremeditated moment. He didn't meant to bring up the letter, he didn't want to recall their traumatizing turmoils. Needless to say, he was grateful to relive them again-- not alone, but with someone close to him who had suffered a great deal too.

The assassin raised a hand to careful adjust his former partner's cap. Assuring it kept covering the traces of their past-- their broken horns he so desperately wished he could mend.

❝ I missed y' too... I fuckin' missed y' so much!!! ❞ he instantly tugged them close again, wrapping his arms to squeeze && lift them off the ground a few inches. Sweeping them off their heels to spin themselves briefly. Burying his head onto their shoulders during their everlasting twirls before placing them back down. Returning his gaze with theirs.

❝ I didn't like seein' ya get used for profit, I hated that I couldn't do a damn thing 'cuz... no matter how hard I tried I couldn't reach y'. Everythin' kept gettin' in the way... it pissed me off so much-- that I couldn't control my anger. I took it out on ya... I said things I regretted too. I did have my own life but-- it wasn't the same without y'. Nothing ever was. I missed when we carjacked together, or the times y' helped me steal my dad's booze. I couldn't forget all of our mischiefs moments, not in a million years. Y'... made me who I am too. I... would like nothin' more than to... atone together. Yeah, we can take it a step atta time. ❞ he cooed, beaming a sheepish smile of his own. Deliberately removing their robotic hand from his facials to plant a small kiss on top of it. With his other hand, he then tipped Fizz's chin for a closer eye connection.

❝ my lazy jokes... failed solo acts... dyin' alone. Y'know, fucked up shit. Although... they didn't came close to the real thing. yer mouth is prettier to look at up-close. well, then again... yer replica did catch a bullet between their teeth. ❞ he'd tease with a soft chuckle. Loosing his tail's bind over theirs to allow the jester to break free if they wanted to. Respecting their boundaries.

At this point Fizz was scared that he had broken Blitzø up even more, flaring up his ptsd for things. That was never his intention. And this is why he really should start thinking twice, hell even thrice if possible. Fizz kept his friend close hoping he would snap out of it. There wasn't much he could say without starting repeat himself at this point. He was scared that Blitzø had gone in bad place of his mind... something that was a thing for even Fizz after waking up in a hospital, not being able to move around, being force fed with lies about Blitzø. The depression was real back then. . . He just wished the other imp would just come back to him.

After a short moment of silence Fizz began tearing up as he thought this horrid moment might have hurt Blitzø even more deep, him suddenly speaking up made the jester blink in confusion. The rush of relief washed over Fizz after hearing Blitzø's voice. A small smile formed on his face as well. Their entwined tails did calm Fizz down a lot, he even could feel their heartbeat. It felt so nice.

Quietly listening Blitzø talk without interrupting him. The smile he had on his face was soon replaced with confused and sad frown. Hallucination? And Robo said what? On what rights was Robo Fizzarolli ever spit that shit at Blitzø's face!? He could feel a strong feeling of anger on the inside. Even when living apart for 15 years where Fizz was angry at Blitzø, he could never bring himself to hate him. Sure there was a moment he forgot he ever loved Blitzø, but it was just buried under all the negative emotions.

Fizz still had his arms wrapped around Blitzø as they backed up a little, now facing the messy face of his friend. It hurt to see him like this. They were both mess at this point. But the small, sad, smile found it's way on Fizz's face as he have few slow nods.

"O-of course I forgive you! I've missed you so much during this 15 years. You always made my day if not because you were the funniest person I ever knew but just being there with me.. sharing all the time we spend together.. not only on stage. Suddenly you not being there. . . it was the worse thing ever. Fuck the fiery explosion, it didn't even hurt as much as us not being a thing no more" Fizz managed to speak up even if it still felt like there was a lump in his throat as he felt like wanting to cry some more. "And don't force yourself with the... love thing. To me it's more important that we are back in good terms. . . a-and like you said 15 years was a long time.... a lot have been happening between the time." he didn't expect Blitzø ever love him back the way Fizz loved him when they were younger. And to be fair it would get even more complicated since Fizz was currently in a relationship with the Sin of Lust. But nonetheless he still felt a lot for Blitzø, even love which he couldn't admit back then or now.. especially not now.

Slowly stretching out his limbs he gently wiped off the tears from the corner of Blitzø's eyes minding not to poke him in the eye or anything. "Wh-what was that about hallucination? And Robo? How do you know him? I mean only if you don't mind telling me. . . " he paused for a moment, reaching to brush his thumb gently against Blitzø's cheek.

"All I can say that's one huge bs what he said, and I'm sorry he ever opened his mouth."

[disaster-theysbian]

Gotta say, I've been out as a lesbian for 3 years and nonbinary for a year and a half. And I've noticed something.

Just because someone *always* gets your name and pronous correct, and angrily calls out anyone who forgets, doesn't necessarily mean they support you.

Conversely, just because someone struggles to remember your name and pronouns, or can't wrap their head around gender neutral/neo pronouns at all, doesn't necessarily mean they DON'T support you.

This is applicable to any situation really not just queer shit. Watch what people do, not just what they say, and you will find your friends. Someone might shower you with compliments and have common interests with you, but what happens when you tell them no? Do they get angry when they are corrected? Do they have kind things to say about other people?

My colleagues wouldn't know a gender-neutral pronoun if one hit them in the face with a dictionary, but they make sure I've had a lunch break and get home safely. They have my back if I have a difficult patient. They defend me against other staff members who like to create drama and bitch about people as if they're still in the school playground. If someone has something to say about me being a big ol' queer, they make it known that discrimination has no place in our unit.

My best friend in the whole entire world forgets my name and pronouns every day. When the organisers of her therapy group changed "men and women" to "people" and "he/she" to "they" in order to be more inclusive, there was outcry. Everything from the "it just doesn't sound right" grammar-policing nonsense to the "f*cking special snowflakes are offended by everything". She came down on them like a ton of bricks. She said if the organisers hadn't told them that it was changing, that they wouldn't have noticed. She told them they obviously haven't loved someone outside of the gender binary and they were missing out. She then told them how she had seen me grow and develop since I came out, and how in awe she was of the person I had become. No, she doesn't understand it at all, but why should that mean that she can't be there for me and appreciate how happy I am to be able to be me? Why should that mean, because you lot don't understand it, that someone with the same issues as the rest of the therapy group feels unsafe and unwelcome and doesn't get their issues resolved? As a result, a few of them changed their minds, INCLUDING HER OWN FATHER, and the rest at least shut the hell up about it.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns delighted in making me walk on eggshells, inventing reasons to be angry with me, convinced me I was a terrible person and even went as far as to try and turn me against my own therapist. They tried to tell me that my therapist only said I was a good person because she was paid to, and that because they themselves had a psychology degree that they could tell I had all these complexes and needed to work hard to be a good person, and it was unlikely I'd never get there. (I chose to listen to my therapist and stop being friends with this person).

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns continued to do things that made me uncomfortable when I asked them to stop. Never said in as many words "you're not allowed to hang out with your friends" but conveniently had an emergency every time I had plans, and accused me of being uncaring if I needed my own space. They knew I had difficulty asking for help, but still got angry with me when I asked because I didn't ask "soon enough".

A queer person who used my correct name and pronouns told me they would look after me and they didnt. .

A queer person threatened to misgender me MORE when I corrected them.

I'm just saying, that if you choose to yeet everyone who doesn't get your name and pronouns right... that doesn't necessarily make you safe. We live in a very binary world. As much as we want that to change, it won't if we ignore or shout at the bits we don't like. (Believe me, I've tried).

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

Skellys kid is a sweet perfect angel when mom is around but when shes not around they are the worst little brat you have ever seen

Undertale Sans - It's just a phase, he knows it. He knows it because Papyrus did the same thing as a teenager. All cute and friendly with everyone except with him. He tries not to take this too much at heart, but it's still upsetting him a little. He's trying his best and he starts to be a little discouraged about this.

Undertale Papyrus - He acts like he doesn't see it and treats his kid like usual. You don't want to eat? Too bad, there's only that to eat. You don't want to sleep? He's still waking you up at 6 a.m. to go to school whether you want it or not. Eventually, when the kid will realize it's useless, they will calm down. He knows it.

Underswap Sans - He's not made of father material anyway and he gave up trying. The kid can do the hell they want, he doesn't care anymore. He tried, but it's not working, so he gives the kid to S/O or his brother to avoid being alone with them. That's kinda sad.

Underswap Papyrus - He's desperate. Why won't you like him? What did he do to you? He spent nights and nights reading things on parenthood to try to fix this but nothing is working. S/O proposed to go see a child therapist to help, and even if he lives it like a failure, he accepts it anyway.

Underfell Sans - Manchild acts like the child and it's not helping. Red plays along with their moody attitude, answers back and is a brat to the kid as well. He knows it's completely immature, but that kiddo passed his breaking point a long time ago. He's so done.

Underfell Papyrus - Hell if you will. Edge doesn't hesitate to isolate them to make them think about what they did and talk about this later. He is very patient, I mean, he kinda tamed all of Snowdin's dogs and it was hard. You're no different. He knows how to calm down young energetic brats. That period won't last very long.

Horrortale Sans - Well good thing he's not authorized to stay alone with the child because he is so done. He doesn't understand why the kid is acting this way, and it's giving him headaches to try to talk them down of it. He knows he has Willow and S/O to help with this situation. S/O believes him anyway because he is so agitated it's hard to not see it.

Horrortale Papyrus - He gives the child chores on the farm every time they're acting like this and refuses to let them go before they end it. It's boring? Great, at least you know how he feels. You better apologize now.

Swapfell Sans - Well, that's part his fault. He kept calling the kid his heir all his first years, and now the kid is acting like a little prince with him because he realizes Nox waiting for a child so much he gives them a lot more liberty than their mom. Nox is a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing but he tries to stay calm to not encourage that behavior more.

Swapfell Papyrus - His kid is lost in the mall. Oh well. He goes to the entrance and asks to do a call. "if you're not at the door in five minutes I'm leaving without you and you'll have to wait five hours until your mom is done working to get home." In seconds the kid is there. Yeah, that's what he thought.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Oh he doesn't care. He had to deal with moody people his whole life and it's not a little child who's going to impress him. Not even when the little brat put poison he found in his office into his drink to see what it does to him. S/O said to him that maybe if he was acting normal around the kid, they wouldn't be like this. Wine got offended and went into his room to pout.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - He's lying on the floor like a dead sea star as his kid is drawing on his bones. He tried to convince them to go take a bath for three hours now. He's desperate. When he finally caught the kid, he kicked hard his pelvis and Coffee fell. He's still there. He gave up. Help. Someone.

[huskyweebo]

heyoo a back but this time with an AU :D just got the random idea and ended up this far lol, currently their designs Concepts are in tradition cause tbh I don't feel like making their full designs digital now

Target RadioStar AU

This is a mortal AU. theres really nothing else to say, cept i created it, 

Lucifier Morning Star - 

[ Origin of name; Mother wanted to name him Lucy if girl, Father male named Winfer, but mom didint like it so they out them together ] 

Lucifier is a single dad with charlie being 5 years old. Lilith divorced him when she was 1 and abandoned them. He owns a Toy and chocolate shop creating both from scratch 

“ MorningStar Toys And Chocolate “ 

32 years old has a baby face

The accupiants of Hazbin Hotel are now Workers in the shop,

James Husk - 35 years, technically his retired job [ only really here to look over Lucifier, basically his therapist ] 

Anthony [ AngelDust ]  - 29 years His consistent work pay, he is mostly on OnlyFans 

Nini [ Nifty ] - 22 years, Obsessive with cleaning and Cooking chocolate

Vaggie - 6 years, Charlies Best friend from school, 

Sr. Peniel [ Sr. Pentiuos ] - 34 years, Lucifiers second in command when it comes to making new toys. He helps make toys mostly

Cherri - 32 years, Anothonys best friend, just hangs out and occasionally helps out [ she babysits Charlie sometimes but is a bad influence ] 

Alastor Altruist; 

Part of the Overlord Supreme he is their Secret weapon. He can easily make deals and can convince any to do anything, he is also their Lawyer and has never lost them anything

He accedentally cam apon Charlie when she was trying to find KeeKee, the MorningStar’s cat. He went to go bring her back to her father when he saw Lucifer, [ Alastors secret is that he loves cute things, but never shows it ] and immediately fell in love, starting chat he was sad that he could not see Him again, up until The Overlord Supreme decided they wanted the Backery to use as a front. 

OVERLORD SUPREME

The overlords of hell

Carmilla Carmin; The arms dealer, she lost her ability to see after a bad deal and can hear very well

The angels are now the state, trying to crackdown on the Overlord supreme

More TBA !! tysm for reading :D If you want to ask question ill be glad to answer! also tysm to my friend for helping with some of the AU [ most hasn't been added since it needs to be more developed but I'm grateful of her!!

[maledictionwolf-commsopen]

My living situation is rough right now. I've got a year left on my lease, but my roommate is insane, dangerous, and unpredictable. Yesterday evening he stormed upstairs to scream at me for locking the front door when he previously had screamed at another roommate for leaving the door unlocked. It escalated to physical threats and him trying to force me into a fistfight with him.

He assumes everything is malicious. In his mind, I locked the door to spite him because he was outside. In reality, I locked the door because I saw it was unlocked and thought that I had accidentally forgotten to lock it when I came in earlier.

Months ago, he nearly attacked another roommate, J, because he was convinced that J broke into the landlord's lockbox with the spare key to the crazy roommate's private bathroom, unlocked the door to the bathroom, broke back into the landlord's lockbox, put the key back, all just to fuck with him. All this insane shit he believed whole-heartedly because when he came home his bathroom was unlocked. He would rather jump to insane conclusions about malicious people out to get him than ever even consider that he might have just not locked the bathroom door properly one time. And his response to all of this was to scream at J and threaten to put him in the ER. When all that happened was he forgot to lock his own damn bathroom.

He also goes into a rage whenever he hears noises of any kind coming from upstairs. So I can't even walk from one side of my room to another without risking him storming upstairs to try and start shit. I stopped playing my instruments over a month ago because it sets him off. I've stopped being able to sing, or move about in my room. I can't even sit and read because the floor in my room is creaky and just shifting my weight can make a noise.

I've been trying to get my landlord to let me out of my lease because of this fucking lunatic I'm living with, but they're demanding police reports as proof, and are saying even with police reports they might not let me out of the lease. Even though calling the police will escalate the situation, because--unless I end up calling 911 because he's physically attacking someone or has shot at them--after the police leave I'll still be living in the same house as him, and he's already decided that I'm actively out to get him because the landlord did an inspection and told him he was violating the lease by smoking inside, which is somehow all my fault and he thinks I'm trying to get him thrown out on the street. All calling the cops will do is make him more angry, and given that he and the other 2 roommates are black there's also the very real risk that calling the cops could get any one of them killed.

I'm trying to gather evidence outside of those police reports, but the best I can do right now is one audio recording of him going off and I'm trying to get a letter from my therapist that the home I'm living in is unsafe, but I don't know how much weight that will carry.

And then there's the fact that my lease termination has to be approved between the 1st and the 14th or I'll be charged rent for the month after I leave even though the lease would have been terminated before then so it looks like I'm going to have to wait until next month to even try because I don't know if I'll be able to get the documents I need before the 15th, and even then the landlord could delay terminating the lease for a few days so I functionally have to submit evidence by the 9th or earlier... which is today and I don't have it. And delaying the termination will make it look less serious because I waited...

Oh, and since the lease termination may not even happen, I can't sign a lease for a new place yet because I don't know if I'll even be able to leave anytime in the next 12 months, and I sure as hell can't afford paying rent here and somewhere else at the same time. And it's not like I can find someone to take over my lease, because what do I tell them? That I'm moving out because one of the roommates is insane, violent, assumes everyone is malicious and out to get him, demands everyone do what he wants but will not do anything asked of him, and oh, yeah, he has a gun? How the fuck am I supposed to convince someone to live here?

I'm just so seriously fucked right now. And my finances are really tight, too, I've got a bunch of credit card debt because I had to get new tires for my car, and the exhaust pipe sheared in half abs I had to get that fixed too, and lots of medical expenses and it's just a fucking nightmare. And no support system, I'm no-contact with my family and I don't really know anyone locally... it's just really rough.

[caffiene-fueled-fuckery]

2, 17, 25

Will be answering these as M*A*S*H since that's mostly the accounts I've been interacting with! I hope that's okay :)

2. "a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom"

Okay okay as much as I agree w people that Hawkeye has bottom energy, my favourite character is Father Mulcahy and my favourite ship is Hawkcahy... and I CANNOT see Mulcahy ever topping. Like He might bottom from the top but he would never fully top, y'know? In every ship I've entertained or heard mentioned with him, he's always the bottom. Hell, even if he had've gone to bed with that one nurse (Gail, I think?), I'm sure she would've topped. She had top energy. And Mulcahy just... doesn't. He's mostly quiet and sweet and gentle (usually), and also even if he had some experience before he was ordained, it's been like a decade at least since he's gotten laid. He's inexperienced and shy and as much as I think he does have a bit of a wild-side to hip, I can't see it manifesting as him topping. Being a brat? Maybe. Idk how much of a compelling argument this is but whatever. Also I'm not even 100% convinced by my own argument bc I'd love to see him as a gentle dom or actually getting riled up enough to top but I never said that

17. "there should be more of this type of fic/art"

Full disclosure I am an angst reader and writer predominantly and cope via projecting onto my faves, so yeah, I wanna see more angsty stories and artwork. I know MASH started as a comedy but my god that show made me laugh and cry in the same episodes half the time and the characters deserve some comfort. And you know who I want to see have some comfort? Klinger!

Unpopular choice? Idk, maybe. But I feel like that man has so many feelings that he just doesn't show. Like the period of adjustment episode broke my heart because he was trying his absolute best and everyone was treating him horribly and I just wanted to hug him. IK we got to see him chatting with Potter when he was plastered but I mean outside of that. Give me some Charles and Klinger hurt/comfort. Or Kellye and Klinger! Or Margaret!

Speaking of Margaret, I'd love to see more fics/art of her interacting with Radar. The scene where she's reading a letter to him when he's injured was so heartwarming and I feel like she saw him as a son or at last a little brother by the end and I'd love to see some more content of them, but esp hurt/comfort.

Also want to see some more hurt/comfort with Mulcahy. Like in the show he has a few moments where he goes to Hawkeye and I think once with Potter but its almost always him being the counsellor by proxy to the whole camp and on top of everything he deals with for himself he has to del with everybody else too and as someone who has a job that makes me be the therapist by proxy, its so draining. He's probably touch starved too so like... someone give that man a hug. Please.

Oh, and more Igor. Just... more Igor in general. He was funny, I always liked him.

25. "common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing"

I don't know if I have one... Maybe that's because the fandom is small or because I haven't been around here for very long, but I don't really have any complaints thus far. Everyone has been so nice!

Thanks for sending this ask!! Sorry it took me a while, I've been busy with commissions and such. And also sorry that this turned into a rant lmao I hope you don't mind 😅 -Em

[alexs--diary]

Alex’s Diary, 8/18/24

Ugh, why am I like this? These feelings are so…weird. Is it just me that feels like this? I'm sure others don't, I would go to therapy but I don't feel like I need it, (especially with that dream of my math teacher being my therapist…never again.) Although, I could tell my friend about this, I go to her [future Alex here, me saying her and anything else feminine are mistakes…I need to get used to that change still…] house tomorrow anyway I'm sure she'll [correction: he'll] know what to do. Well, I should write about other things in this little book, well my grades at school were doing well…until all these feelings came up and now my mind is fixated on it…maybe it's best if I write about this, helps my mind anyway…well speaking about my friend, after school we went to the convince store and after buying our usual items, chips and a soda (still can't believe they like regular Mountain Dew though) they talked to me about…a very personal secret they had. I don't know if I should write it down but hints will be seen…and by hints I mean me correcting myself!! Well, I'll talk to him [got it right!! hell yeah] about it tomorrow, our neighborhoods aren't that far away so I should be able to go right after school. -Alex

[karasa]

Do you think i'm crazy?

Originally Published Jul 24th, 2017

Do you think I’m crazy?

Because my therapist does.

I’d like to preface this with a quick thank you, to the internet. Specifically weird facebook, specifically aesthetes. Thanks for giving me space to completely ignore my own shitty shitty thoughts and delve into a more reformed sense of self-deprecation and great humor. Thank you, mr. skeletal

I’d also like to say that it is close to a miracle that i am still here, and alive. If you told me when i was 12 that i would actually make it to see 20, it wouldn’t have made sense.

Depression creeps. It creeps up on you like lights dimming in a theater. Your eyesight gets fuzzy and your breathing slows down and you let your mind set into a new reality. Depressed is a word I learned early but never actually used, because from what i understood about the word, if you are depressed, you need help.

Help isn’t a hug or a smile or someone who wants whats best for you: help is a waiting room with no one in it. Help is a 3 page consent form and no family vacations because you have to pay for therapy. I never ask for help anymore.

Moreso depression is the feeling that help cannot come, it is not available to you and it never will be. it is hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness incarnate. I am in love but I am lonely. There are places to go for help — but I can’t.

Can’t. Can’t means a lot more when you talk about yourself. It’s a reflection of what you think you ought to be doing, and how much you believe in yourself. If someone says that you are qualified and you say you can’t, the idea is that you are being modest, because you can! you, are qualified, able. Can’t is a failsafe. Can’t will get you nowhere. Cannot’s have not gotten many people anything they deserve in life. However with depression, it seems like you can’t be deserving of anything.

I constantly find myself apologizing.

One time I apologized to a woman, for opening my backpack and getting my notebook out, though it had nothing to do with her and she wasn’t in the way at all but i felt compelled to admit that i’d been so foolish and stupid and dumb, moronic and unfit for society because my notebook was in my bag, not my hands. She laughed at me and told me not to apologize, so i apologized again, cursing myself for being so stupid as to apologize to someone who clearly didn’t care. Apologizing for existing, in my experience, is the most intense rejection of self.

It’s hard to do things for yourself when you’re feeling undeserving. Bathing, brushing your hair and putting on a full outfit. Making breakfast, lunch or dinner. Making a Healthy breakfast, lunch or dinner. Making plans. Going to the grocery store. Going to the pharmacy, going to your friends, going to the kitchen, going to the mailbox. getting out of bed, cleaning your room, smiling, hobbies, calling your parents. Every little thing feels like a to-do list written in the worst handwriting imaginable. By even trying to get started, sometimes, it becomes too much to bear. and we break, and we curl back up in the blankets, and promise to try again tomorrow.

If i could explain anxiety, I probably wouldn’t have a headache right now. I wouldn’t be afraid to go outside if anxiety had a cause/effect kind of spiel, but instead anxiety is best defined as Jean-Paul Satre’s hell: a feeling you cannot escape. Anxiety is getting off the bus one stop early because you don’t want to miss your stop and you’re not confident enough that when you press the button, it will work. Anxiety is spending 2 hours getting ready for a party and spending more time trying to convince your friends to leave than actually enjoying yourself. Anxiety, goddammit its that feeling you get when you don’t know whether you completely aced that math test or if you got every question wrong and it keeps you up for three days only to go into class and find out that on the way to work, your professor had her window open and all of the papers flew out, so you have to take a make-up test that day. It’s wasted energy because your body can’t think straight.

Somedays i can’t leave the house. Makes it hard to have a job and class and friends when that happens. It’s never as bad as I expect, but expectations are our own form of realities, so when I make it back after my scrimmages I find myself, exhausted.

Why did I do that Why did I do that

Why did I do that

Why did I do that

Why

Did I

Do that

(why did I do that?)

Every scenario you wonder why it went wrong, every scenario it is your fault why it went wrong. It’s schrodinger’s predicament, as it may or may not have happened in the way you believe it did, but you will never really know what happened until you peel back the lid that you’ve closed tight on yet another experience that haunts you, like if you forgot the name of the person’s birthday party you were at, or rather, you weren’t sure of you’d forgotten it, so you tried so hard to avoid using any name to refer to them all night that you ended up hiding behind the snack bowl, hoping to listen in on a conversation that would open your mind up to the realization that you were right about this person’s name the whole time.

Every layer you reveal is another one of your close friends, verbally giving you a pat on the back “don’t worry about it, it’s really fine.” If I had a genie, if genies exist, someone should ask for a redefinition of the word “fine”

Is it fine that I spilled some water on my lap at dinner? Or is it fine if I knocked the whole pitcher over. Is it ok? Or is it just “fine”? With the redefinition of fine I believe I’ll find myself at ease a lot more, but then everything will not be fine.

I started to carry around reminders about how insignificant some problems are, however the panic sets in before I can get my shaky little fingers around the crumpled up fortune in my pocket.

At the end of it all, im grateful for a mind able to dissect my own faults and frenzies, grateful that I am not debilitated by such fears and feelings.

At the end of it all I still breathe and walk around, I brushed my teeth today and even though at the end of the day I don’t think anyone really gets what I’m saying,

At the end of it all, it will be ok.

[00katrinka00]

Landcaster Legacy Gen 7 Update #50

Dear Diary, Leo is leaving for university today. I think I can convince him into allowing Lacy to move into his room for senior year. I love sharing with her, but it'd be nice to get my room back… -Violet

That morning, while preparing a special going away breakfast for Leo, Rosie approached her with a golden opportunity. "Listen, mom," Rosie began. "I've been thinking, and with Leo going away this seems like the perfect time to turn Leo's room into the most epic playroom ever."

"Rosie, no," Mads said sternly. "But mom," Rosie complained. "Leo still needs a place to sleep when he comes home from time to time." "We have a couch." "Rosie, no."

"You sure you're all good with Leo, and Owen, going off to college today?" Violet checked in with Lacy. "Totally!" Lacy lied. "I haven't even thought about it, Owen who?" "Lace?" "What? I'm serious. He deserves closure," it pained Lacy to admit that.

"You know that I'm here is you ever want to talk, right?" Violet asked. "Yeah, I know," Lacy said hesitantly. She paused for a moment before saying, "I just, I don't know." "My dad still probably had a number to that therapist I saw a few years ago," Violet offered. "We'll see."

After getting her epic playroom idea shot down by Mads, Rosie headed straight to the source. "Leo!" she exclaimed holding her arms out for a hug. "You know you've always been my favorite brother." "What do you want, Rosie?" he asked skeptically. "I can't miss my big brother?"

"Look, I'll cut to the chase," Rosie said. "I'm hoping you'd be so kind as to let me turn your bedroom into the best playroom of all playrooms when you move out." "Rosie, I'm just going to college." "I know that, but-" "Where am I going to sleep when I come home?" "The couch?"

Before Leo had a chance to respond, Mads called everyone for breakfast. "So, I've been thinking, mom," Violet began. "With Leo moving out-" "Nobody is getting Leo's room, end of story." "Thanks for that, Mom," Leo smiled.

After breakfast, Leo pulled Violet aside. "I'm leaving for college in an hour, and then you're going to be the biggest sibling in the house, that's a huge responsibility." "Do you see who you're talking to?" "Yes," he said skeptically. "That's why we're having this conversation.

"Okay, I admit that I've had my problems in the past, but I'm a new and improved Violet now." "Uh-huh," Leo raised an eyebrow. "Remember, Rosie, Sophie, and Alex are going to be looking up to you, so you have to make sure you're making good choices, because they it all." "Yeah."

"Oh, it's exactly how I remember it," Mads exclaimed as soon as they took the elevator up into tidal tower. "I can't believe Leo got the same dorm I stayed in." "I mean there are only two," Ethan pointed out.

"Dude!" Owen exclaimed as Leo came up the stairs. "Hey!" Leo exclaimed. "Excited to start classes in a few days?" "Hell, yeah, fresh start! Some classes that might actually challenge me." "I know what you mean there."

After setting up the dorm, Mads sat down with Leo. "You know, we are so proud of you," Mads told him. "As much as we're going to miss you, I want you to have a good time. Don't study too much, have some fun while you're at it." "I got it, mom." "I'll miss you."

"What your mom said," Ethan told Leo. "I'll make sure to stop home and visit soon," Leo assured him. "One more hug for the road," Ethan pulled him in.

Next it was Nat's turn to say her goodbye. "I'll come visit in two weeks, how does that sound?" "That sounds perfect actually," Leo smiled at her. "I will be counting the days." "You better, because if I come to visit and find out you've been flirting with other girls." "Never."

Leo pulled Nat in for one last kiss. "I swear, never," Leo assured her after he pulled away. "Owen can rat me out if I look at another girl in a non-platonic way." "Good," Nat said. "You've got nothing to worry about though, you're my one and only," Leo grinned.

"Now that all of your goodbyes are done, what do you say we head to the bar and meet some people," Owen suggested. "You're too young to drink." "Not too young to talk to people though," Owen pointed out. Leo thought for a moment, his mom did tell him to have fun, "sure."

"Um, well, I guess I'll have whatever a zebra fizz is," Leo ordered, and the bartender immediately began making his drink. "So how is it?" Owen asked. Leo made a face, "Not my kind of thing," he admitted. "OMW! Look who it is!" exclaimed Maggie before Owen had a chance to reply."

The trio talked for a while before Maggie excused herself. "You know," Leo admitted. "This really isn't my thing; would you be mad if I head back?" "Absolutely not, you tried it, didn't like it, that's cool." After Leo left, Owen sat at a back table and talked with Maggie.

The trio talked for a while before Maggie excused herself. "You know," Leo admitted. "This really isn't my thing; would you be mad if I head back?" "Absolutely not, you tried it, didn't like it, that's cool." After Leo left, Owen sat at a back table and talked with Maggie.

[psychomoxxie]

Blue Screen Brain Machine

Sometimes I wonder what mysterious power I'm actually running on, when I manage to get though an entire day after yet another night of no sleep (two weeks of insomnia should have been my first clue that something was amiss in the ol' brainmeats department) -- pure spite, would be my best guess. Over the past couple days, I managed to get everyone cleaning and throwing things out. It's been a tornado of activity, in which I found out that the Paterfamilias has by actual count FIVE vacuum cleaners. Can you imagine anyone having five vacuum cleaners? ONE vacuum cleaner, sure. So, Kriss was madly vacuuming away in her area (she's in the living room temporarily -- just call this place Joe's Waystation for the Wayward Wastrels), when it suddenly BURST INTO FLAMES. 

Naturally, it did. 

Of course, Joe tried to salvage it once we managed to put out the flames. Kriss was ready to wring his neck, trying to convince him to just toss the thing, because of course there's no saving it. I told her to just leave him be, and let him tinker with his vacuum from Hell -- it was unplugged, no danger of it spontaneously combusting again, and he'd eventually arrive at the same conclusion -- no point in getting annoyed with him, it's his vacuum cleaner, and the man spent his life building things and taking them apart, after all. He'd figure out it needed to be sacrificed to the Cleaning Gods, eventually. Which he did. Meanwhile, she and I finished up our areas, and got ready for the day. 

Yesterday, Clara brought herself, and her mad cleaning skills -- and my cats. I couldn’t wait. I missed them so much, and it's only been two days. It will really be home when they're here. I kept walking around, picturing them sleeping in this little corner here, perched on that bookshelf there...sunning themselves in the windowsills, enjoying the porch when it's warm out...

There's so much to do. I got a call from the Social Services agency that Martin the Art Therapist works for -- it seems he got me bumped to the head of the line, because the director called me straight away. She is going to have two case workers assigned to me, which is fantastic. Mental health and then SSRI assistance, I believe. It pays to be chummy with the right people in this business, on the other end of it, for all these years. If there's one good thing about having the Brain Cooties in this city, there are a ton of social services available, if you know where to look, are sober, and are willing to be responsible for your med compliancy. And if you know me, I've always been a big proponent of Better Living Through Chemistry. In the 90s, I studied for a degree in Abnormal Psych (which is what it was called at the time, relax) at Colombia and Loyola in Chicago, because I'd spent my pre-teen and teenage years caring for a schizophrenic great-aunt, and dealing with the whims of my diagnosed NPD mother, and figured I had an advantage over most students through the sheer insanity of my family dynamic. Eventually, after several years, I had to quit school to manage my son's care, who had a plethora of mental health and addiction issues -- then eventually took the job with Clara working directly with her mentally ill son. 

What I hadn't counted on was having to deal with my own wonky brain chemistry, and emotional dyregulation. Part of the unspoken deal of having to manage everyone else's serious mental illness is that you can sort of forget your own brain cooties exist. It's been a long time since I've been in a really bad place, mentally. 

Over the years, I've discovered the hard way that self-medicating the Brain Cooties is the road to misery -- both my own and everyone within striking distance -- and self-awareness paired with modern psychiatry is the road to freedom. At least, as close as people with mental illness can get to it. 

Speaking of, as an example; I'm titrating my mood stabilizer/migraine medication, topiramate, up to 200mgs -- right now I'm at 100mgs, so the appetite (and disordered eating behaviors, along with it, HUZZAH) is starting to decrease, which means of course the migraines as well as general irritability are beginning to recede. One always indicates the other with this medication. Topiramate is one Helluva drug -- but worth it in so many ways. I was never meant to be off of it for so long, but when I lost my health care coverage, it was the first to go, because the out of pocket cost is so far beyond my reach it may as well be mined on Pluto. But, it seems to fit into some missing piece of my brain chemistry like a jigsaw puzzle, in weird, seemingly unrelated ways that just make my mind feel calmer. Less prone to flashes of rage. 

The trouble is, it's never quite that simple when it comes to Brain Cooties. I was sending a couple voice DMs to people, because typing out shit is just too much trouble, while phone calls involving actual conversations are just too much of a commitment to the sort of immediate interaction I can't be bothered with, most of the time. Anyway, I played back a message to be sure I got all the information I wanted to convey, and imagine my absolute shock when I heard the playback, and my usually moderated, thoughtful, rather slow speech sounding as if it was being played back to me like a 33-speed record? I sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

This is what's known in the Brain Cootie world as "pressured speech", and it happens when someone is in a manic or hypomanic episode. I experience hypomania, from Schizoaffective Bipolar Type disorder. Hypomania is a milder type of mania, meaning it isn't as severe, and only lasts a few days, typically. Still, I've never heard myself before when in the throes of an episode, and the most disconcerting thing about it was that to me, I sounded absolutely normal in my own head. 

If that doesn't tell you how distorted one's thinking can be while in the grips of one's mental illness, even to a mild degree, then I don't know what will; and my doctors all tell me that I am a remarkably self-aware patient. While my brain might be conjuring quacking noises from the 147 Lake Shore Drive Bus (also known affectionately as the LSD, how appropriate), I also know that it is impossible for the bus to be quacking like a duck, and that it is indeed just my brain playing tricks on me again. Some people aren't so fortunate -- some people take their delusions at face value, which makes their lives a living nightmare that I cannot even imagine trying to manage without medication. 

But I digress. The worst part about the 33-speed record voice messages? Nobody said a thing. And I sent severalmessages to several people in which I was speaking so fast, I was barely intelligible — imagine one of those Telemundo! commercials, only in English. Instead, they just ignored my messages. When I realized what was going on, I covered my ass with a couple of people who mattered with either a version of the truth, or -- if I trusted them with it, the unvarnished version. So, don't rely on other people to clue you in. On that note, over all the years I've been dealing with Brain Cooties, only ONE PERSON has bothered to tell me when I have had obviously pressured speech. One. Which is just one of the many reasons why I generally find People as a whole to be useless. 

It's up to us to get our own shit sorted out. 

I feel like I should repeat that. If you have The Brain Cooties, it is up to you to be responsible for your OWN MENTAL HEALTH. That means seeking treatment, and being med compliant. Unless of course you are at the point where you need a caregiver, obviously. But we aren't talking about that. 

Because my doctors and I have been doing this for awhile, I have a stash of a particular, non-scheduled medication I keep on-hand for when I need to bring my brain down, fast. So, I took that, and will take it for the next week until I'm sure my Brain Cootie Swarm have receded back down to manageable levels. Risperdone is a very powerful, very serious drug that I just refuse to take every day, so my psych team allows me to only take it when the Cooties hit the fan. Were I sicker, or less educated in psychiatry/less self-aware, this of course wouldn't be an option. And if I were to slip and show myself to be irresponsible, I'd end up in the looney bin and having to take it every day, whether I like it or not. So, I don't abuse my privilege. When I need the meds, I need the meds. 

One of the few people I look up to in the world of Brain Cooties, Jared Poore (now sadly retired from social media, and I do hope he's OK), once said; 

"Things like mental illness, crippling neuropathy, epilepsy, and frequent, blinding migraines can’t be dealt with by gentle hugs, prayer and pretty angels, or the fad diet of the week with a basket full of overpriced supplements. Like a lot of aspects of life where you have to make a decision between two options, your only choice is to figure out which one is going to suck less”

The reality is, a lot of these psych meds have side effects that truly suck. They can be gross, embarrassing, inconvenient, even funny, or just fucking weird. But I can guarantee you that 99.999999% of the time, it's far better than the alternative that your untreated brain is offering, if you let it go long enough when you are suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or schizoaffective disorder. Don't think so? Then you obviously haven't hit Brain Cootie rock bottom, yet. You've never gotten sick enough where you've been held on a 5150 in a locked ward, surrounded by people who talk back to the voices in their heads, and finger-paint with their own shit. You've never gotten so sick, you've been homeless. 

You've never become a danger to yourself or others. 

I have a really hard time taking seriously people with mental or emotional disorders who refuse to get treatment, and scoff at medication. Who give up after trying one or two combinations of medications because "it didn't wooooorkk!!" Most people don't give it enough time, first of all. It takes at least a month for the brain to adjust to a new medication, and only then can you even start to see if it's going to work for you, or if it needs an adjustment, etc. I've been doing this my entire adult life, and I've had just as many bad experiences as good -- I've still not found an SSRI that doesn't make me feel like shit after a few months. But there are new breakthroughs all the time. New drugs. New therapies. And mental health does not thrive on anti-depressants alone. 

Crazy bitches like me don't need to end up homeless, dead, or in prison. And neither do you. Because there's no real limit to where you might end up if you take care of yourself and get treatment. But the options if you let your mental illness go untreated? We already know where that leads. 

So take your damn meds. 

Oh, yeah -- and the next time you hear an otherwise normal-sounding woman suddenly speaking like a 33- record? FUCKING TELL THEM. 

Because there but for the grace of god, my little kumquats... 

If you enjoy my writing, please consider donating to my GoFundMe by following the link below -- I am taking the next year (which likely means two) as I wait for my disability to kick in to write a book on the unique culture, people, and places of Rogers Park, Chicago. I have my first two interview volunteers, as a matter of fact, which is so fantastic! Thank you so much for your support, to all who have donated thus far. I appreciate you so much. XO

[allwhilewaiting]

I’m not sure how it happened…

It always seems to happen this way, doesn’t it?

Normally I would feel ashamed, afraid, maybe a little psychotic even.

And I won’t say that this time is different, because I’ll leave that to the future to decide.

What I will say is simply that I’m in love...again. And I didn’t know I still had the ability to feel it. I thought that little door in my heart leading to a world of possibilities was bolt-locked shut, never to be opened again.

Not necessarily because it couldn’t be opened, but instead because there wouldn’t be anyone willing or able to love me the way I actually deserve: without possession, criticism, expectation for me to self-abandon and settle for emotional terrorism.

I read all of bell hooks in December and still felt I would never again experience anything about love.

Open, but not expectant. And wholly satisfied. Completely content and jubilent in my beautiful solitude.

Then in January, after the best trip of my life…my post-divorce first completely solo frolic around London-town (my favorite town!) I came back to soft hands on my back caressing the stress out of a hell of a lot of exertion in my healing and life.

His name is Trevor. He was my massage therapist.

We talked a little in that dark room, enough to convince me that he could be a great Charleston friend…my first male friend in my Bride City.

I felt lightening bolts of energetic attraction between him and I, but that was not my original intention. Maybe compartmentalized sensuality could evolve from our friendship, but it would remain a friendship for the unforeseeable future.

So I reached out after-hours, and he reciprocated a connect. We began talking, and as often happens with two spiritual beings who are in touch with themselves and the intangible, the energy flowed in a way that is inexplicable. Pure. Soft. Easy. No expectations of anything from my end, and a patience that kept me open and safe from his end.

We (more like me) danced around the obvious…there is something here much deeper than the shallow platonic fantasy that I developed in my mind.

Two weeks of that choreography and my heart started to scoff at my fruitless attempts to narrate any other story than the truth: I am falling in love with this guy.

I’m falling like I’m driving…we’ve got a long way to go, but I’m definitely in the car. The ignition is started, and I’m cruising. He has met me in small and large ways, caressing my fears like those large soft hands caressed my back the first time we met.

Four weeks in and now we live together. That happened this weekend. There’s many details that make living apart unfeasible for the possibility of our futures...even if not romantically together. It's equal parts loving and kind that we have decided so early to cohabitate this way...for our best individual and collective health.

How do I feel about this whirlwind?

Well, I'd be lying if I said I'm not haunted by past iterations of unrequited love that looked exactly like this for me...

Those nightmares have also caused ripples in my connection with Trevor that have brought us to forks in the relational road: either I'm going to be with him, and learn who he is...or I'm going to keep playing the matching game with the monsters of my past, and he won't be sticking around for that trauma porn.

I also remember very clearly moving into this very apartment, and being excited about seeing through my first lease from start to end without anyone here to enjoy this space but me. Focusing solely on my healing, my joy, and uncovering parts of myself that I never knew because I was too wrapped up in self-abandonment and codependence.

There was a time when being with a man in a shared space repulsed me...I didn't want their bacteria flying around my sacred home.

All of that seemed not to matter anymore when the Divine primed me for Trevor.

I believe I was being massaged spiritually these past six months in Charleston pre-Trevor (and nearly 12 months into my devoted healing) that relaxed those tense muscles of post-traumatic stress response and defense to opening my heart again to this new and intense connection.

What I focus on the most is watching myself for signs of demise: am I swallowing my true sentiments for the sake of company? Are there any parts of his presence that repulse me? Am I losing any part of myself or my joy in this union? Is that familiar feeling of regret sitting in the pit of my stomach every time I look at him/hold his hand/touch his face?

The answer today is no. I feel equal parts self-possessed and present in building a spiritual and loving connection. I am vocal about what I don't like and don't want. I am willing to break my own heart if something goes astray and leaves me feeling unsure or harm begins to change my mind...knowing that the grief will be hard to overcome, but also confident that I have the tools to self-soothe and return to self eventually, with concerted effort.

Being with him is easy. Talking to him is effortless. Often I don't have to say anything at all, he reads my thoughts. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am seeing the very vision of everything I wanted: healthy and loving connection, future family, true partnership, generational-break in cyclic relational trauma. And I don't feel like I have to do anything but be myself, be patient, and enjoy the ride.

<3

post-edit: i found this random entry in my cpu files of me speaking on love 11+ years ago, may of 2012! I was just about to graduate high school then...

"I think that love is such a beautiful and unbiased entity. We are taught to believe that love is conditional on a variety of standards..but what I’ve come to realize is that conventional standards don’t apply to this domain. Love is in and of itself just what it implies, love. No boundaries, colors, shapes, or inhibitions. I think that’s why it’s possible for love to occur in the most unlikely of places. It does not see logic or reason, purpose or standard, it just is in and of itself what it implies…love. As dangerous as that can be when you really think of how liberal this concept truly is, I find it radical and beautiful. The fact that love has no reason for me is its biggest asset. I love that…I love love. I love just thinking about love, creating love, listening to love. I appreciate it..and I have a great respect for its nonchalance to the silliness of humane standards. I like the idea of it…not sure if I’m ready for it, almost sure actually that I’m not ready for its danger, but I still love love."

[ryanlockheart]

— ₊ ° . ☆ 𝐀𝐋𝐏𝐇𝐀 𝐏𝐇𝐈 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒 weren't typically toby's scene, but his best friend had convinced him to go — and then abandoned him upon arrival. the only reason he'd even gone was the little fact that they were known to have the sluttiest guy on campus down on his knees in the basement. of course, the frat boys would have all the luck. little did he know, that the little minx everyone was talking about was the star of most of his nightmares in his adolescence. a therapist would've probably advised against getting himself involved in some kind of mess, but honestly, to toby, face-fucking ryder cooke until tears streamed down his face sounded kinda cathartic... not to mention insanely hot. it was an opportunity that toby wasn't going to pass up, but he was going to have a little fun reveling in it first. he hardly recognized the former quarterback. his hair had grown out, and his chest filled out his crop top surprisingly nicely. hell, his voice was even softer and delicate. he would've never guessed that this was the guy who tormented him. hell, he seemed like the kind of person ryder would've tortured! "i guess so if you're the little slut they say won't turn down a fat cock. hell, i've heard you almost like piss as much as you like to guzzle down cum," toby said with a smug grin on his pink lips. the face beneath him was engrained into his brain, but only now, he got to smack his cock against those pursed lips. it felt great. "y'don't remember me, ry? tsk, tsk," toby questioned, with a small pout to his lips. "don't you worry though. i'm gonna make sure you don't forget this cock." there was a glint of mischief in his hazel eyes. "to think, about three years ago, i coulda been shoving this cock down your throat instead having you shove me in lockers," he teased. "get another good whiff of my cock. ran over here all the way from towman hall. 's nice and sweaty. 'm sure that's just how you like 'em, you little slut."

SOME WOULD SAY that ryder cooke had let himself go, but he had never been happier. college had done a number on him. he wasn't the tough, intimidating football player that he'd once been. hell, he didn't even CARE about football anymore. he'd grown his hair out and began showing more skin. in the gym, he focused on his glutes and pecs rather than his six-pack. as far as ryder was concerned, joining a fraternity was the BEST thing that had ever happened to him. "suck big, FAT cocks," ryder giggled wantonly. as always, ryder was on his knees in the middle of an alpha phi party. two boys loomed over him, looking at ryder like they were ready to RAVAGE him. he wrapped a hand around each of their shafts, slapping the heavy shafts down on his smooth-shaven face. he WAS the centerpiece for a reason. just as he was about to get started, ryder's attention was pulled away by a voice he couldn't place. "hi there, handsome... i take it you've heard of me?" ryder said, looking up at the scrawny boy through thick eye lashes. even his VOICE was different— soft and more effeminate. his eyes nearly popped out of his skull as the other's cock came into view. before the sexy stranger could say anything else, he was leaning forward to get that gorgeous cock on his face. "i've never seen you around here before, i don't think— and i would DEFINITELY remember this beautiful cock," the brunette hummed, taking a long whiff of the other's musk. "have we met before?"

[hollowtones]

Hi Miss Holly, I'm a big fan of Dr. Coomer and that got me into some of your other stuff as well, keep it up! I had a question, how did you shut off the Winning Every Game Flawlessly Forever switch in your brain? I can't find mine.

It wasn't really a thing specific to games. I spent too many years getting way too mad at entirely inconsequential things in my life & some day something in my head just snapped & I realized how exhausted and miserable I was all the time because of it.

I think it helped that I never really cared about competition or comparing myself to others. It was entirely a self-inflicted perfectionist thing. I was so convinced that Being The Best would make me Happy Eventually that I kind of lost track of how I was feeling here & now. It was a lot of telling myself "failure is inevitable but failure is a learning experience & failure can sometimes be fun" but also "failure is one of the best proofs of being a living human being & in a way there's something really beautiful about that".

It's not some magical lever I just pulled one day, & I'm not magically cured or anything, so I don't really have an easy answer for you, I'm afraid. It's a tough mindset to break & some days I find myself stuck in it again. Talking to folks about it helps. Helps put things into perspective. Therapist, friends, a family member you trust. Hell. sometimes talking out loud to an inanimate object makes you listen to yourself and realize you're being silly.

Gotta try and frame your concept of Good Enough as "whatever makes you feel happy while you're getting there" instead of as "whatever is Most Perfect, to hell with anything else". In my experience, when you do that, it kind of makes you better at the things you were trying to be good at anyways? Not overnight, or anything like that, but it turns out when you try and learn / improve at something, just for the sake of doing it, instead of the pressure of I Must Do This, you realize that learning things is really fun and satisfying, so you're motivated to do it more. It's good to try and seek joy, y'know? Good to try and share that joy, too.

This post got longer than i thought it'd be. Hope that's okay.

[jesuiscalmedammit]

Proposal || [Russell Adler x fem!Bell]

When Russell opened his eyes and turned to look at you, he realized you weren’t there in bed with him. So it was another night, and another nightmare. Groaning, he buried his hand into his hair and looked at the ceiling. How long will you suffer from the side-effects of the procedure?

The procedure he had used to control you.

It was his fault, and being around you every day constantly reminded him of that. In the beginning, he tried to convince himself that he only did it for a greater good, to catch Perseus, but the more time that passed, the harder it became to justify his actions. He screwed up. He knew and accepted this, now he only had to do his best to make it up to you.

But these nightmares were getting out of hand. Each night you woke up terrified, and each night he found himself alone in bed. He wanted to pull you into a tight hug to comfort you, but there was nothing he could do if you weren’t there. Did you want to be somewhere else because you hated him? Or were you scared he would do something to you? Maybe it was none of these, and you just wanted some time alone.

Tonight Russell decided not to stay away from you. He got out of bed and went to the living room, but you weren’t there. He checked every room, but there was no sign of you still being in the apartment. Where the hell could you go in the middle of the night?

For a moment he thought about going outside to look for you, but having no idea how long ago you had decided to leave the apartment, he knew it would be almost impossible to find you on the street. Since he couldn’t go back to sleep, he picked up a book in the living room and read a little until you finally decided to come home.

When you returned, you looked surprised to find him awake this late. “Why aren't you sleeping?” you asked as you put your keys on the table next to the door.

“I was waiting for you,” he admitted while he stood up and walked over to you. “Where the hell have you been? I was worried.”

“I’m fine, I just needed some fresh air.”

Russell shook his head and pulled you into a tight hug, resting his chin on top of your head. “You know you can talk to me, right?” You mumbled something he couldn't really understand against his neck. “I'm serious, Bell, just tell me what's wrong. What are those nightmares about? Does it have to do anything with… you know.”

You let out a long sigh, then walked past him to get to the couch. Once you sat down, you crossed your legs and started drumming your fingertips on your knee. You were anxious. Great. Just great. He carefully took a few steps closer to you, although he assumed keeping a safe distance would be the best strategy for now.

After what felt like an eternity, you said, “I just can’t get what happened out of my mind. I tried to forget it, but… it’s not easy.”

“Bell, that’s the kind of traumatic event you will probably never forget. You should see the therapist I told you about to learn how to handle it.” When you finally looked at him, he instinctively knew it was safe to sit down next to you. “I know there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make you completely forget what I did, so the best I can do is trying to help you process it as much as possible,” he said as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder.

“You’re already helping me, Russ,” you suddenly said before you pulled up your knees and leaned against his side. He let out a questioning hum as he had no idea what you could possibly mean by that. Seeing his confusion, you reached out to take his hand. “You’re here, keeping me safe. For now, this is all that matters to me.”

Could it be that simple? Was it possible that you had already fully forgiven him?

After kissing the top of your head, he stood up and went to the bedroom to get something from the top drawer of his nightstand. It was something he had been planning to give you for a while, but until now he wasn’t sure about how you might react to the idea. He wanted to marry you, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life by your side. But he had his doubts about your plans for the future, especially when it came to his part in it.

How should he even propose? It was so strange, coming out of the blue. Although wasn’t it supposed to happen this way? He should ask you when you’re not expecting it. And now, in the middle of the night, you were definitely not expecting it. Letting out a sigh, he took a quick look at the ring and tried to decide what he should say. Would you want a speech? Or should he just open the box and ask you to marry him?

No. He didn’t need a speech. He closed the box, shoved it into his pocket then headed out of the bedroom, only to find you asleep on the couch. Well, so much for the proposal. With a sigh he picked up the blanket that was on the back of the armchair and carefully covered you with it, making sure he didn’t wake you.

When he woke up the next morning, you were lying next to him in bed, watching him silently with a small smile on your rosy lips. “How long have you been watching me?” he asked hoarsely as he stretched his arms in the air. “It’s a little creepy.”

You picked up your pillow and playfully hit him with it. “It’s not creepy. And don’t worry, I only woke up about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Which is a lot when you’re staring at someone who’s asleep,” he pointed out with a laugh.

“It’s not creepy!”

“Okay, okay, it’s not.”

In all honesty, he simply couldn’t blame you. If it was him who woke up first, he would have watched you silently as well. To him you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and even now when you were both awake he just couldn’t keep his eyes off of you.

His thoughts suddenly returned to the little blue box in the drawer as he toyed with the idea of proposing now. It seemed to be the right time. You were there, you were awake, and he had your undivided attention. That was all he needed. Taking a deep breath, he turned on his other side and reached into the drawer to get the ring from the box. It was now or never.

“You know I love you, right?” At first you gave him a questioning look, but then you nodded. “Would you marry me, Bell?” he asked as he showed you the ring.

You remained silent. You didn’t say a word and it was impossible to read your expression. Were you happy to hear that? Were you thinking about how to politely say no? What were you thinking about? He hated to be in the dark about these things, especially since normally he was good at reading people. But you were good at keeping a poker face, he knew that.

Then you finally broke the silence as you said, “It’s too early in the morning for this.” That was a no. It had to be a no. He was beginning to feel nauseous. He screwed up. “But I love you. And I surprisingly don’t hate the idea of being married,” you added.

He was utterly confused by now. “What does that mean? I can’t follow you,” he admitted.

“It means yes, I’d like to marry you,” you told him with a wide smile.

Russell couldn’t be happier. As he put the ring on your finger, he was already thinking about when, where and how the two of you should get married, who to invite, and if you should tell Hudson and the usual team about this engagement. His mind was several steps ahead and all he could do now was trying to keep up with his thoughts.

Since you had nothing else to do that day you decided to only get out of bed for a coffee than later some food, but other than these, you just enjoyed this new stage of your relationship.

Every now and then he thought about his previous marriage, though, and wondered if somehow this would also end badly. Sure, you probably would start hoarding stuff, but there was something terrifying that casted a shadow over your relationship–what he did to you back then. This was something he would never forget, forever regret, and could only hope you had meant when you said you forgave him.

[jerzwriter]

Sunday Six

So, I should show my WIP file to my therapist right now - she'd be like "Yeah, the ADHD meds might need a little adjustment." lol And she'd be accurate.

Here's a list of what I've got coming up. Anything in orange has a Sunday Six/Sneak Peek below the break.

Friends 6 - Finale / T/C will be out by this Tuesday

Vegas Part 3 / E/C will be out by Saturday 10.15 no fic preview because y'all have already seen enough, BUT I have a sneak peek of an art commission associated with the chapter below.

Grandparents Day 3 / T/C will also be out by Saturday 10.15

4 Halloween Requests 3 for E/K and 1 for T/C, are in the works

The first Delaying the Inevitable: What If... is in progress, and t is for this ask: Ethan & Casey find their way back to each other many years later (aka Elsa's other version lol)

3 Smut Fics - one for each pairing - will be up before the end of the month in honor of smutober/kinktober - whatever you want to call it, lol

Tobias & Casey's HC I'll be focusing a lot on this since I want to get their wedding up by their "Wedding Date" of November 12th because... mental health issues. lol So After Grandparent's Day 3, I'm going to loop back to their HC - which will take us to the chemical attack.

Wake the Dead, I think I'm going to start at the start - shorter fics to expand on canon. As I progress, I think I'm going to write a different ending - one my HC and the other a really angsty AU.

TWO UPCOMING MINI-SERIES: RESET - Ethan x F!MC, Ethan x F!OC, Other pairings, and WHERE IT GOES FROM HERE - Tobias x F!OC, Tobias x F!MC (Past) These are both in the works - but I have decided that I'm not putting either up until they are fully written. Then, when I post them, it will be one chapter a week without break. I think that's best for my readers and me. :)

I told you - it's a dark and scary place...

Friends 6 - Finale / Tobias x Casey (F!MC) "You know," Jake laughed, "I totally thought the two of them were a thing when we met."

"Wait!" Claudia exclaimed, "How did you and Casey meet?" "At s Sox game...."

Tobias's eyes met Casey's for a brief second before she turned away, the look on her face left him desperate to stop the exchange. "It's not important..." Tobias interrupted, but Jake continued.

"... I was sitting behind them, and she impressed the hell out of me. No man in his right mind lets a woman this smart, this beautiful, and who knows this much about our hometown heroes getaway. That and the way they bantered... plus she never called me after... so I assumed..."

"We covered this before," Bryce interjected. "We all did."

Delaying the Inevitable: What If... / Ethan x Casey, Tobias x Casey

"Do you ever hear from him?" she whispered.

"Tobias?" Ethan asked, an array of emotions awash on his face. "No...it's been... years. Hardly at all since he left Boston."

"I'm sorry," she lamented. "Sometimes I feel like... you know, never mind."

"No," he replied, instinctively grabbing her hand as if he feared she would disappear. "I want you to continue. Casey, we have been able to talk about anything except him, and I think that should stop."

"Why bring up bad memories, Ethan? How does that help either of us?"

Their Start, Chapter 10 (T/C HC) / Tobias x Casey

He rushed through the halls with conviction, he had to see her. His heart refused to accept that she could be gone within days... within hours, the thought too painful to conceive. But he was a doctor and he knew her chances, and they were slim. If she were a patient he'd convince the family to pray for a miracle... but he didn't think miracles were real.

Losing her would be unbearable, but if she left this world before he could apologize, before he could atone and let her know the regret that was eating him inside, that he could not bear. He had to see her.

But as he came to a quick stop before the glass that was her only view into the outside world, his pounding heart went still.

"Casey..." he muttered, his voice but a painful plea... this was a mistake.

Wake the Dead Unnamed / Eli x Zoe (F!MC)

He sat in a darkened corner, removed from the rest under the guise of keeping watch. And keep watch he did, for drones, of course, but also over this cluster of strangers he found himself inadvertently aligned with. All the years of voluntary solitude, solitude he instituted for his very survival, was relinquished in an instant. He expected to be angry, enraged, making plans to find his way off on his own... but instead, he sat watch over a group of people he didn't even want to know but somehow felt responsible for.

~~~~~

She had wanted to sit by the window, and he was baffled that she wouldn't listen to reason. In spite of everything, she had seemed to be so sensible before. But that was their first scuffle on the first of many nights they were now bound to spend together. It wasn't safe, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Grabbing a blanket, she turned away from him and sat on the floor, her glassy eyes focused on a large painting of a meadow. She was almost entranced. That's where he had left her hours before, so he was shocked to find her still there, gaunt, pale, almost unrecognizable from the woman he saw in action that day.

He should keep walking. There was no reason for him to stay. No words he was required to offer. But he found himself standing over her; she didn't so much as flinch.

"The others are already asleep." He stated the obvious. His voice was heavy, almost robotic in tone. Several moments of silence hung and started to turn away.

"The others didn't lose their sister today," she croaked.

He shut his eyes and turned his head away, even as he moved several steps closer.

"I know. And I know you may not feel it now, but you'll be OK."

His voice was cold, yet somehow comforting. She didn't know how, but she knew he understood.

"I know," she said with a deep sigh. "I'll be fine by the time the sun rises. I have no choice. There's work to be done. But right now, I don't have to be OK."

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[nerdnag]

Like. Listen to this weird stuff.

Her, I've been friends with for almost 10 years. Him, I've known since May of this year when we met at an event out of town. He and I clicked, like, right away, and we've been chatting and hanging out quite a lot over the Summer.

Two weeks ago when he and I hung out, he told me he'd met this cool person at his chess club. He started telling me a bit about her and after a few seconds I was like, "hey that's my best friend!!"

So yeah that was weird to begin with, but weirder stuff has happened I guess. Earlier this week they both convinced me I should come to the chess club with them, and so I did, and as some of you know, that ended up in a disaster bc I got an anxiety attack and fled the club before the tournament had even started. But before that I took note of the fact that "huh, they seem pretty easygoing with each other already. Oh well they have stuff in common so not too strange I guess".

Cue yesterday, when I met him alone again, and he's giving me these weird vibes. He talks a bit about her and I draw out of him that he's met her cats, which means he's been at her place, which I found a little weird since they had known each other for three weeks or so at this point (and he hadn't even been to my place yet, even though we'd literally talked a week earlier about how I wanted him to come meet my cats!!). Also he seemed almost embarrassed when I was surprised at this, and became strangely avoidant. But still... Not going to draw any conclusions, it was probably nothing...

Then he tells me he's tired bc he barely slept either Friday or Saturday night, and I knew he was at a birthday party on Saturday, so I asked if he was to another party on Friday, and he became super avoidant again and was like, "no, uhh, something else, anyway uhh".

And I was sitting there playing MtG with him and wondering what the hell all these signals were that I was picking up. Because there were more little details too, things that just seemed a bit off somehow.

Only later that night did it strike me like a bolt from the blue when my brain went "Wait. They're sleeping with each other??? And neither of them told me??"

Could barely sleep at all, realized I needed to ask one or both of them, and decided that the right thing to do was to ask her since I've known her for longest. (my partner may also have acted out the role of therapist for me for a couple of hours while I tried to process everything that was going on)

So. This morning I sent her a message asking if something's going on between the two of them. She fortunately answered, and later I also talked to him as well.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT I WAS RIGHT. Well. Not that they've slept with each other, but that something is going on. But apparently I caught it so early that nothing has truly even happened yet and they haven't even talked to each other about it yet. So uhhhh. The autistic apparently picked up the signals before either of them did??

And now I'm in this weird position where I've talked to both of them separately and know how they feel about it but they haven't talked to each other yet but they know I've talked to the both of them and they are both extremely curious to know what I've said to the other and what the other has said to me but I don't want to share that information between the two of them bc that would be disrespectful and omg this is confusing and difficult and I thought FRIEND GROUPS were hard can you imagine this shit??? Like, the fact that these are two people from entirely different circles of my life who have suddenly met and become really close, and I have no idea how to handle that in itself, is still like one dimension below what is going on right now?? I'm playing four-dimensional social chess for fuck's sake

And at the same time I know that she can burn fast and hot when she's into someone and I don't want him to accidentally be hurt bc he is much less experienced and I care about them both a whole lot but also if they do like each other then I don't want to hinder that in any way so all I can really do is ask them to please tread carefully and don't take things too fast but THEY'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR THREE WEEKS AND HE HAS APPARENTLY ALREADY SPENT A NIGHT ON HER COUCH AND ASDFGHJKL WHY AM I BEING TRIED LIKE THIS

I am in the weirdest social situation with my two local best friends right now lol