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bread-gobgob · 1 year ago

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Hi.

Mod Kanik here. I'd prefer to be called K. I do not go by this in real life, but if this post is ever found by its other owner, I do not want them to know my name.

WARNING. THIS POST DISCUSSES A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MINOR AND AN ADULT.

This blog was never all that active. The story Eni and I were writing was a wonderful escape from our horrid realities and was made better our writing together. I do not consider this blog a big part of my life, obviously. We never had any followers, we never put that much effort into it, but I do consider it a big deal. This blog is all I have left of Enigma. That is not a good thing. I think if I post this it'll give me the closure I need.

When bread-gobgob was created, I was - based on the dates of the posts - fifteen years old. For nearly three years, I had been chronically online and had developed a terrible bout of agoraphobia. This was the result of many things that I won't list, but most of all it was the result of a very long co-dependent relationship.

Usually, I really wouldn't find this relationship to be that big of a deal. Recently, I have been diagnosed with traits of BPD, I tend to be dependent on people. I tend to have unhealthy traits. I'm trying to get better at not doing that. However, the relationship I had with Enigma was an incredibly big deal. In fact, it was a huge deal. I was fifteen. Enigma was twenty.

I cannot keep my composure while talking about this, I apologise for that, but I'm not aiming to keep my composure here and act mature. I'm aiming to tell my story, because Enigma was an inherently fucked up person and I need to vent. I need to talk to someone about this. I need them to come back and see this at some point and understand what they did to me.

To tell the truth, their age never stood out to me.

I lost contact with Enigma right before my sixteenth birthday. I believe it was the eleventh, maybe twelfth of July? We had stopped talking long before that. I will give credit where credit is due, it is Enigma's sysmates that initiated the loss of contact. Engima was removed from their position as host and the system, from what I know, decided it would be best to ghost as they did not know any other way to tell me they didn't want me in their life anymore.

I thank them for that.

Since losing contact with them, I've made friends. I moved schools (I went to college) and made friends who weren't held hostage by their phone their whole teenhood, and I have spoken to these people about Enigma. I have spoken with my therapist about Enigma. I had long, long talks with my ex-girlfriend about Enigma.

All three parties had only one thing to say about it all. That being, that I was groomed.

My relationship with Engima was a struggle, but I want to be clear: our dynamic was only romantic for around nine months out of the three and a bit years we knew each other. I want to be even clearer: it was NEVER sexual. Not once. But it was unhealthy. PAINFULLY unhealthy.

I'm shaking as I write this so I apologise if this doesn't make sense. When I knew Enigma, they also had an extreme case of agoraphobia. I do not think they ever did what they did out of genuine ill-intent, I think this was just their very fucked up way of showing they cared. But that doesn't matter, because it was still manipulation.

I missed out on a lot of my teenage years - when I first got into a relationship with Engima (April 2019), I was twelve, turning thirteen and they were seventeen, turning eighteen. When I told them my age - a few days after my thirteenth birthday - we stayed together for another five months. They broke up with me on Jan 1st, 2020 because they were uncomfortable with my age. This was over Skype. They said that, in future, they'd be happy to get back together if the opportunity came about. They said that they would prefer to wait for us to both be adults before meeting. I agreed to this and we went on as best friends. But in spite of this breakup, we only grew closer.

When I say I missed out on a lot of my teenhood, I mean I never got to experience the big things. I never went to parties, I never smoked weed, I never got drunk, I never kissed anyone, I never went out with my school friends, I never went outside.

I'm sure a lot of people go without these oppurtunities. Most of my friends didn't smoke weed or drink simply because they never got the chance. I'm not salty that I never got to try substances or mess around with a stranger at a party. That's not what I'm saying. I did get the chance to try those things. I got invited to parties and I got asked to come sesh with people and I got asked to go to town and window-shop with my buddies. I declined everything I got asked to. I declined because when I told Enigma about my weekend plans, they would freak out.

Freak out at me and at themself. The idea of me going outside, to this person, was like a threat. I would say "[name] and I are going skating tomorrow!" and Engima would have the panic attack of their LIFE. That, or they would ignore me for multiple hours. Enigma didn't like the idea of me going outside. It got to the point that I cancelled plans out of fear that they would off themself if I stepped outside. The fear came from the idea that if I was busy, I wouldn't answer. If I didn't answer, they would panic. If they panicked, they would hurt themself.

And it was like this until my last year of high school. I live in Australia, we don't have middle school. We got straight from primary school to high school, and then we head to college when we hit seventeen. There were five months of my four years of high school where I didn't have this person on my back, telling me I couldn't do this or that because they NEEDED me.

Enigma and I's last messages to each other were late last year after my leaver's dinner. I sent them photos of my dress and new hair and all that, and said I was living my life now. They sent me a message back and we exchanged words about how these days, it was so much easier to go outside and do things because we weren't nervous that we were gonna miss a message about something bad.

I know that throughout my relationship with Enigma, I was very panicky and very dependent. In their last message, they made it sound like I had done the exact same thing to them? I argue that they were eighteen-twenty-one and I was thirteen-sixteen. Fuck that. You were an adult and I was a child. You claimed to be so much more mature than me and claimed to know what was best for us, so I raise you the fact that you were an adult. A UNIVERSITY STUDENT. And though you broke up with me, you stayed in contact, even though I was FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU AND TO THIS DAY STILL AM A MINOR and made me think that if I left you, an adult, alone for more than an hour, YOU WERE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

FUCK YOU HORRIFIC SENSE OF MORALS AND YOUR FUCKING "oh but we were so close and I was so attached and-" FUCK THAT. You were an ADULT. You should have blocked me BACK IN 2019. I DIDN'T NEED CLOSURE. I NEEDED TO BE TALKING TO ANYONE, ANYONE MY AGE. You shouldn't have needed me. I was not capable of fixing you.

You don't realise it, but the effects you had on me were insane. I take melatonin now because YOU used to get mad at me for falling asleep. I hallucinate your voice when I have panic attacks, I dream of you and I sitting alone in a void when it's been a long day. I panic when I don't have my phone on me. Recently I lost it, left it with a friend who then got on a bus with it, and the panic attack I had was HORRENDOUS. I thought I was going to get a message from you, August this year, and miss it and completely fuck everything up.

I have cried over you tirelessly, I have written stories upon notes upon letters to and about you. You have thoroughly ingrained yourself into my head and you just. won't. get. out.

I am working towards getting over it. Leaving my phone at home while going on walks, not bringing chargers to school, putting my phone on do not disturb, completely deleting discord and skype from my computer AND phone. But I don't think I'll ever really escape it. Not before I get out of school anyway.

I will not speak on my relationships with the others, as I respect them far too much for taking action when realizing that what was happening was unhealthy. There is one other alter, however, that I am willing to talk about. Not because of anything bad. Simply because I need to come clean.

K. You know who you are. I don't care if you read this or not, it feels wrong to say it all, but I can't keep myself from saying it. You'll probably never see this, but I think telling you will help in some way toward my healing. Here goes.

So far as I know, I'm aromantic. Romance repulsed. But occasionally, you cross my mind, and I remember how desperately in love with you I was when we knew one another. Enigma always said, "you fixed him!" I think that was very poor wording. I didn't fix you, K. You fixed yourself. All it took was some form of kindness, and you learned to open up. Slowly. I'm so proud of you for that. I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love(d?) you, K.

I sound ridiculous at this point, but you'll never read this, so fuck it. Talking with a very nerdy friend of mine recently, I realised why you got so odd when I promised to braid your hair one day. I don't take it back. If it weren't for how things went, if it were a different time, different circumstance, I would marry you. In a heartbeat, I would let you braid my hair and I would braid yours. I hate to admit it, because I hold so so much resentment in my hands and jaw, but I absolutely would. You were so so special to me and I don't think I could ever be mad at you for what happened. You are the brightest bit of the spots of light in the darkness of my teen years.

I send my respect to JF, who always made me laugh. To PB who always held wonderful conversation. To B, TMM, and THM who made me feel powerful and respected.

Thank you to those in the system who provided me comfort during a very scary time. We should not have known each other in the first place and, to be honest, I don't remember most of you. But you were there and you were not my abuser and I recall snippets of joy from some of you. Thank you. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

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deltagon20362 · 4 years ago

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best friend kaniks... funny guy

#text #i like him #begging for mercy please oh please oh please SAD

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changingourdestiny · 5 years ago

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Forsaken Part 3: Jett Black Ashes

Summary:

Rae and Adam attempt to strike down all the Barons at once, but end up failing and have to resort to killing them one by one. However, words from the mysterious mercenary, Jett, has thrown off Rae slightly. Who is this mysterious figure? Why are they so against Uldren being killed? ...and how do they know Cayde?

Previous Part: Here

Next Part: Here

Rae panted heavily as the Scorn before her crumpled to its knees, defeated. Her attention was drawn to Fikrul the Fanatic, who was watching from behind a barrier. Rae had hoped she and Adam could’ve taken out the Barons in one go by attacking the stronghold, but they had all now scattered before they could even lay a hit on any of them. Rae glared at the Fanatic with anger and frustration as he spoke to the two Guardians, “I do not fear the dead. I CONTROL death. And YOU… more use to me alive. Go. Pursue your vengeance. I claim your Fallen victims for my Scorn army.” The Fanatic transmatted away as Ghost piped up, “The stronghold is secure… but the Barons escaped. This was our best shot at ending this. And now they've scattered. What are we going to do now?” Rae clenched her fist before slamming it into the wall, “Damn it!!” ——————————————————————— Petra saw Adam and Stormbringer enter the Spider’s lair, “How’d it go?” “Well-” Adam was cut off by Ghost’s voice from outside the entrance. “Rae! Slow down! Ah! Don’t just ditch-!” Adam, Petra and Spider watched as a Sparrow went cartwheeling past the lair’s entrance, a loud bang shortly following. “Oh…not good then.” Petra spoke up. Spider chuckled, “I’m surprised she got that thing past the barrier. That’s impressive!” Rae walked into the lair, “I, uh…I might have lost my temper.” Ghost popped up beside her, “Understatement of the year!” The Spider laughed, “Oh, you really showed them, didn't you? Piece of advice, eh? Know your enemy before you… deal with them.” “Something tells me you know more than us.” Rae raised an eyebrow, “Any tips?” The Spider held up a series of cards, tossing them at Rae’s feet one-by-one. Each had a picture of the Barons. “Reksis Vahn - the Hangman. A silent sadist. Used to dock the arms of Dregs with his bare hands. Kaniks - the Mad Bomber. Emphasis on "mad." Demolitions expert with an irritating way about him. The Trickster - Araskes. A liar and a schemer. Friendly advice: trust nothing she touches. Hiraks - The Mindbender. Has a rep for manipulation. Has a morbid obsession with the Hive. Yaviks, a.k.a. the Rider. The leader of a bombastic gang of Pike-riding heathens. They sow chaos everywhere they ride. The Rifleman - Pirrha. The only Fallen alive who could make the shot that mortalized…Cayde-6. Elykris - the Machinist. The scourge of Solis Descent. This one sits atop a trove of tech and heavy armaments stolen from me! The Fanatic himself - Fikrul. The leader of the Barons and the first of the Scorn. His dark magic has no place on my Shore. No place! Last and most certainly least… Uldren Sov. Traitor to his people and the man who pulled the trigger. He may be in the wind, but his Barons are ripe for the picking. Divide. Conquer. Isolate Uldren. He'll wind up at your feet. And all you have to do…is pull the trigger.” “You make it sound easy.” Adam spoke up. “It is…” Spider replied, “…if you know how to do it right.” “So even the Red War’s hero has limits?” Everyone spun around to the lair’s entrance – the Fallen guards holding their weapons at the ready – as the cloaked figure turned the corner into the Spider’s lair, “Kinda funny. You slayed the Black Garden’s Heart, took down the Red Legion, killed multiple Hive gods…and yet a few undead Eliksni pose a problem to you?” Rae glared at the masked figure as the Spider chuckled, “Causing trouble as usual, Jett.” “Jett?” Adam asked. “The Shadow of the Shore. Our partnership is…complicated. Usually if there’s trouble in my Shore, they’re not far behind. Of course the moment new blood appears here stirring things up, you want part of it.” Jett chuckled, “Heh. Don’t go inflating their egos. I just wanna make sure these motes know their place. Though I’ll give ‘em this: I’ve never seen someone fail so spectacularly at hunting down a few Scorn.” “If it’s so easy, why don’t you do it?” Rae growled. “You’re the one with the grudge.” Jett shrugged, “Wouldn’t wanna take away you’re chance at a killin’ spree. Besides, the Barons pay good when they need stuff done.” Rae went for her gun, but was interrupted by Jett, “Oh relax, will ya? I never said I was on their side. I’ll help anyone if the price is right and it’s in my interests.” “And yet, you seem to hold Uldren in high regard.” Rae removed her hand from her gun’s holster. “I’ve my reasons. Reasons that are none of your business. Like I said, go on your killing spree. But if you insist on killing Uldren…you’ll have to go through me first. Got it?” “I don’t die easy.” “Neither do I.” Jett turned to leave, “If you need me, Spider, you know where to find me.” “Nobody knows where to find you.” Spider replied. “Exactly.” Everyone watched as Jett left the lair. However, they stopped and glanced to the right, “Huh…someone was cranky…” before turning left and walking away. “Well, aren’t they a joy?” Adam rolled his eyes. “Anyway…” Petra began, “Back to business. Cayde's killers are still out there, but the hunt is not over. You take down the Barons. Thin the herd. As for Uldren… Did you see that Awoken spire when you landed here?” “Oh yeah…” Rae spoke up, “What was that?” “It's called the Watchtower. I shouldn't be telling you this, but… my people's greatest secrets lie beyond that spire. There's no other reason Uldren would come to the Tangled Shore. Sooner or later, he WILL go to the Watchtower. We must stop him BEFORE that happens.” “Alright. You can count on us, P.” Adam nodded. “I know I can. Good hunting.” ——————————————————————— It was difficult, but time seems to fly when you’re out for vengeance. The Barons quickly fell to Rae and Adam, some more difficult than others. Soon all that remained were Fikrul the Fanatic…and Prince Uldren. Rae, however, was slightly unnerved. She would catch glimpses of Jett watching her and Adam from afar and their words would echo in her head. ‘If you insist on killing Uldren…you’ll have to go through me first.’ There was something eerily familiar about the mysterious mercenary. But Rae couldn’t put her finger on it. Either way, she didn’t let it distract her. Right now, her focus remained on striking down the Fanatic and Uldren. After slaying the Machinist, Rae and Adam received a message from Petra saying that she knew where Uldren was headed and quickly returned to the Spider’s lair to regroup. “Petra, we’re here!” Rae and Adam ran up to Petra inside the lair as Rae spoke, “What’s up?” “Well…first I need to explain a few things.” Petra began, “After the war, everyone in the Reef mourned our Queen and our prince. Except me. I didn't believe they had died. I couldn't. But then...Uldren returned. He told me he could hear the Queen's voice in his head. That's when I knew he was changed. I could have prevented all of this. But instead, I hid him away in the Prison of Elders. And now…Cayde was almost lost forever. The Reef is in ruins. And I've confirmed that Uldren is on his way to the Watchtower. It's now or never.” “So that royal runt Uldren wants into the Watchtower.” Spider, who was eavesdropping in on the conversation – which wasn’t hard since he was only a few feet away – spoke up, “I always wondered what secrets and treasures the Awoken stashed in that ersatz spire. But my friendship with Queen Mara, while she lived, stayed my hand. Well, that and a locked door. Thus I am honour-bound to send a selection of my finest to help you find that ever-elusive closure. I must say... I cannot wait to see how this ends.” “We better get prepped up.” Adam spoke up before turning to Rae, “You ready?” “I…I’m ready…” Rae began, “It's just...that Jett person…do you think they’ll stick to their word?” “If Jett wants to take us on, let them.” Adam replied, placing a hand on Rae’s shoulder, “But whatever Uldren’s up to, we need to stop it. We can’t let this Jett get in the way.” Rae took a deep breath, “Okay. Let’s do it!” ——————————————————————— Rae and Adam approached the entrance to the Watchtower, guns at the ready. “You made it.” Rae spun around to see Jett slowly approach them from behind, slowly clapping their hands. “I’m impressed. You took ‘em all down. I guess you really did earn your little title.” “You here to kill us then?” Rae asked, gripping her gun tightly. “Nah. Not yet anyway. I’m just here to enjoy the show.” Jett shrugged, “Can’t say the same for him though.” Rae and Adam jumped as a voice echoed around them, “You enjoyed killing them?” Fikrul appeared at the Watchtower entrance, staff in hand, “You enjoyed putting them in dirt — where you belong? Did it make you feel good?” The Fanatic fired bolts of electricity at the two Guardians while summoning Scorn. “Scatter! He can’t get both of us at once!” Rae called out as the two ran in different directions, dodging the Fanatics attacks and getting shots of their own in. Jett watched silently from a distance as the two Guardians struggled to take down the Baron. “Kaniks. Reksis Vahn. Yaviks. Pirrha. Araskes. Hiraks. Elykris. Tell me that killing my friends made you feel good. TELL ME.” Rae and Adam felt themselves being lifted into the air by Fikrul’s staff as he dragged them towards the Watchtower, “I will pay any price… to be there when you die…” As they were dropped to the ground, Adam quickly put up a shield to protect himself and Rae as they dodged out of the way of Fikrul’s attacks. “You brought this on yourself!!” Rae yelled out, her voice cracking in anger and fear, “You chose to follow Uldren. You chose to lead the Scorn! You. Killed. Cayde!!!” Fikrul was about to fire another shot of lightning at Rae but was stopped by a blast of fire hitting him in the head. Fikrul glared towards the source of the attack. Jett. “You…did…what?” Jett growled through gritted teeth, “You better hope for your sake that’s a joke. Did you really kill Cayde-6?” “What’s it to you?” Fikrul spat in response. Jett clenched their fists, “I was a fool…I never once considered the reason why they’d kill him…but now I know whose side I should’ve been on this whole time.” Suddenly, Jett was engulfed in a burst of flames, “This time…YOU’RE GONNA STAY DEAD!!!” Jett lunged at Fikrul and grabbed onto his face, letting their flames scorch him, “LOOK AWAY!! THIS’LL GET UGLY!!!” Rae and Adam did as Jett told them, although confused by Jett’s sudden change of heart. They could hear the roaring of flames, the pained yells of Fikrul, and the angered screams of Jett. And then silence. Rae and Adam turned around to see what happened. Jett stood in front of Fikrul’s smouldering body. The Fanatic was dead. Jett panted heavily, shoulders slumped, as their mask and bandanna fell to the ground, broken and scorched by the flames. Adam noticed that within the bandanna was a voice modulator. Rae stared at the exhausted mercenary, “Who…who are you?” Jett stood up straight and slowly turned around and lowered their hood. Rae gasped at what she saw. A light-blue-skinned face with a scar on the chin and familiar pale markings on the face. Long, red and gold hair that was dishevelled and looked like it hadn’t been brushed in forever, part of it covering the right eye. Tear-filled eyes that once held a fiery glow, now had bags underneath them, as if they hadn’t seen sleep in years. A tired, weak, no-longer distorted voice spoke out, “I’m sorry…” There was no denying it. Rae knew all too well who Jett really was.

“Blaze…?” To Be Continued...

#changing our destiny #destiny 2 #destiny forsaken #rae drakyx #adam bergfalk #scorn #destiny scorn #fikrul #destiny fikrul #the fanatic #destiny the fanatic #Petra Venj #destiny petra #the spider #destiny spider #jett #???

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meginblack · 5 years ago

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I’d love a fun villain, but I’d always know they’ll never be my best friend Kaniks. :(

Destiny needs a fun villain

We’ve already had our fair share of serious, evil things to shoot at, whether it’s Oryx, Crota, Ghaul, a Vex mind, a mad Fallen Kell, or even a delusional Uldren Sov and an evil dragon that grants wishes.

I think the Scorned Barons were a step in the right direction, as Araskes the Trickster or Kaniks the Mad Bomber had a sense of humor and would taunt the player in funny ways, but Forsaken was for the most part a serious and somber affair, as it should have been.

I’ve always appreciated a good Ancient Evil villain, and we got that with many of the Hive we’ve faced. But my favorite villain archetype by far is the villain who recognizes they are evil and is having a great time anyway.

In Destiny’s current state, I believe the perfect opportunity for this kind of fun villain is Savathun the Witch Queen, She Whose Lies Alter Truth.

Remember that Savathun’s own daughter thinks she talks like the Wicked Witch of the West, and imagines her saying things like: A real humdinger of a scheme. I’m going to refinance my entire existence. I’m going to move from an existential economy based on the accumulation of violence to an existential economy based on the accumulation of secrets and the tribute of failing-to-understand-me.

Bungie could easily make her an absolute riot who steals the show every time she speaks. She could hack our comms and roast us mercilessly in the middle of a mission like Joker’s phone calls to Batman in Arkham City.

She could be the next Bill Cipher if the writing and voice talent are up to par.

With how much I’ve loved the characters of the Drifter (hungry on main), Emperor Calus (convinced he’s a god), and the Spider (fun uncle who’s in the mafia), I have a feeling Bungie could pull this off.

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lindsaydoeslanguages · 7 years ago

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What happens when history tells us a civilisation has vanished? Disappeared. Gone. Kapoof. Naturally, we assume that the languages spoken by those civilisations is gone too, right? That all citizens and descendants took them to the grave, leaving only some etchings at ruins of once great cities, which leaves lots of work for people who like deciphering stuff to decipher the pieces of the language spoken by these people. And of course, the juicy gory details of history are the ones we hear about first: the human sacrifice, the end of the world predicitions. Well...not really. Think of this episode as a bit of a mythbuster. Answering the questions you didn't even know you had about a language that you didn't even know still existed. Welcome to Language Stories, a podcast discovering languages around the world and meeting the people who speak them. I’m Lindsay Williams from Lindsay Does Languages, a language-obsessed chica on a constant exploration of languages no matter where I am in the world. And this episode, welcome to... Merida, Mexico where we’re hearing the story of Yucatec Maya. Further Reading + Resources: Photos of the Yuya nests Mirna mentions - take a look and see how the description fits the language: http://ift.tt/2BVvFug National Geographic - The more in-depth explanation for the supposed "end-of-the-world" predictions in 2012 - http://ift.tt/2Ck0Oeb Vicente Canche Moo - take a look at all the projects Vicente has worked on/is working on on his website: http://ift.tt/2BTjJJn Ko’one’ex kanik maaya - the project in the region teaching Yucatec Maya in schools: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnA5cpoZ6-4 Xiimbal Kaaj - my favourite Pat Boy song featuring Yazmín Novelo, who also volunteers with Radio Yuuyum: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9jhD5tyM80 ADN MAYA - Pat Boy's record label YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBd61uclgDWzYgZCK2usfDw/featured Vice/Noisey - an interview with Pat Boy (in Spanish): http://ift.tt/2Ck0Qmj Radio Yuuyum - check their official website to see everything going on: http://www.yuuyum.org/ Global Voices - an article about Radio Yuuyum: http://ift.tt/2BU7hcz Support The Show: The best thing you can do right now to support the project is threefold, and if you've ever listened to any podcast before, I'm sure you'll be familiar with what I'm about to say! 1. Subscribe - by subscribing to the Language Stories podcast here (http://ift.tt/2Ck0Rqn) in your favourite place and on YouTube for the sister videos here (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtTPKajNXJOTibUTwrjIJMg), you're going to keep up with all future episodes. Woop! 2. Review - when it comes to the tech stuff, reviews are pretty important. Reviews help to tell iTunes that people like the podcast, and that helps to raise the profile so that new people can find it easily. Yay! Review here: http://ift.tt/2BTjL3X 3. Tell a friend - word of mouth still wins! If you know someone who would love Language Stories, tell them about it. And if they're new to podcasts, walk them through the process to subscribe them. Woohoo! To make it as easy as possible to share the podcast, click here to tweet about episode: https://ctt.ec/bR_it Share Your Story If you have a Language Story you’d love to share, or if you know someone that does, get in touch: http://ift.tt/2Ck0RGT I always love to hear from you! Your feedback helps to shape future episodes so thank you. Help us caption & translate this video! http://ift.tt/2BVh1Dq by Lindsay Williams

#language #language learning #video

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