#besides January and February last year were some of the worst times in my life so i feel like just need to be kind to myself

[panicsimss]

Getting back into simming but the simming in question is sims bustin' out for gba and mysims

[genevievemd]

The Year Between (16/?)

January 11, 2022 - Panic, Guilt, Relief

Book: Open Heart: Third Year Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Genevieve McClure) Word Count: 898 Rating: T Category: , Extended Series: WIP, AU Series, Angst Trope(s): 

Summary: ~Series: Following their engagement, Ethan and Gen navigate the year between the ring and wedding. ~ Chapter: Genevieve waits to see if Ethan survived the accident at Derry Roasters. 

Warnings: none

A/N: And like I said, in the author’s note of Part 2, you can stop being mad at me now. 

Also super thank you, to @lucy-268​ and @liaromancewriter�� for helping with this chapter, I was so close to losing my mind

February Part 1 ~ February Part 2 ~ TYB Masterlist

Ch. 1 ~ Ch. 2 ~ Ch. 3 ~ Ch. 4 ~ Ch. 5 ~ Ch. 6 ~ Ch. 7 ~ Ch. 8 ~ Ch 9 ~ Ch. 10 ~ Ch. 11 ~ Ch. 12 ~ Ch. 13 ~ Ch. 14 ~ Ch. 15

7:55 AM

She doesn’t remember Aurora moving her to stand on the back wall of the Emergency Room, or Rafael coming to stand with her. She barely remembers texting Olivia back when she’d asked where Ethan was. 

All she remembers is the white-hot rush of panic that took over. The way her stomach dropped, the shaking in her hands. The guilt of fighting with Ethan the night before. 

None of it feels real, it’s like she’s stuck in a terrible nightmare. One that gets worse with every new patient that comes through the ambulance bay, that isn’t Ethan. 

Genevieve checks her phone again, praying that this time, Ethan has texted her back. Telling her he’s alive, safe. But just like the last fifteen times she’s checked, there’s still no response. 

“I’m sure he’s okay, Gen.” Raf places a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her in some way. 

But there is no comfort in a moment like this. When the love of her life is potentially one of the four victims she heard dispatch say were D.O.A. 

They haven’t brought them in yet, those four that didn’t survive, and with every second that passes, with Ethan still not coming in through the doors, Gen’s more convinced that she’s lost him. 

That his last memory of her is a stupid fight, unfounded accusations and pain. He could have died thinking she believed he no longer loved her, wanted a future with her. Something that seems so ridiculous now. 

She’d let her anxiety and insecurities cloud her judgement. Gen should have known better, trusted the foundation she and Ethan had built. 

He’s been hers for years. Through every up and down, he’s been steadfast in his love for her. Just as she has been since her intern year. They’d helped conquer each other’s demons, been a shoulder to lean on - fell in love in the most beautiful and quiet way. One step at a time, second by second.

Until one day, they both realized what it truly meant to love someone unconditionally. 

She swallows back more tears as the ambulance bay doors open once more, and reveal another stranger. 

She wants to scream, run down the street and find him herself. Anything would be better than standing there, watching the plans she and Ethan made for their future disappear. 

They were supposed to get married, have two kids, buy a house, and grow old together. He’d promised to take his last breath right beside her. 

But now, because of her, he most likely took it under piles of debris, thinking Gen no longer trusted him. 

A fate she’d never be able to forgive herself for. 

Genevieve takes a deep breath, feeling Raf pull her in for a hug. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to picture Ethan’s face, pretend it’s her husband’s arms she’s in and not her friends. 

She hears the doors open again, hears the gasps from the nurses. Her worst nightmare, now undoubtedly real. Because her coworkers would only pause, shutter in quiet horror if the incoming patient was Ethan. 

Gen’s too afraid to turn around, face reality, until she hears a voice. Commanding, and yet the most comforting thing she’s heard all morning. 

“Page surgery. Now!” 

She turns to see Ethan, standing on the edge of a gurney, glove and blood covered hands on a man’s open wound. 

He’s covered in blood himself, dirt and dust all over his face, clearly limping as he steps away from the trauma bay they wheeled the injured man into. 

He hasn’t seen her yet, eyes still on the patient as he takes off his gloves, but she doesn’t care. Running across the overcrowded E.R. and straight into Ethan, arms wrapping around his neck, her feet barely touching the ground.

He’s startled for a moment, losing balance as Gen clings to him, but recovers quickly. Wrapping his own arms around her waist and pulling her even closer. 

They both let out a sigh of relief, the weight of uncertainty falling away. 

Gen’s the first to pull away, but only far enough so she can look at him. Taking in every cut and scrap on his face. 

She can feel the tears returning. She wants to say something, apologize for everything, but Ethan doesn’t let her. His lips on hers in a rush of passion, the force of his kiss making her lean backwards, his hands flat against her back keeping her close. Her own find his face, holding it tightly as they get lost in the moment. Almost forgetting where they are. 

But it doesn’t matter, because he’s alive. Safe. Keeping his promise to always find his way back to her. 

They’re both breathless when they pull apart. 

“You’re okay?” 

“I’m okay.” His voice is soft, as he holds her cheek in his hand. “The blood isn’t mine, I promise.” 

Gen nods, blinking her worries and sorrows away. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know. I am, too.” Ethan leans forward, kissing her forehead, gently. “We’ll talk later, right now I need you to take care of the non-emergent patients. Do you think you can do that?” 

She nods again, leaning into his hand. 

“We’re okay, G. We’ll be okay.” 

“Yeah.” 

Ethan kisses her again, briefly, and when he pulls away, he’s no longer Ethan, but Doctor Ramsey. The sight oddly making her smile. 

“Get to work, Rookie.”

A/N: Next chapter is fluff, and Valentine's Day, and also the beans actually discussing the fight and everything surrounding it. 

(tagging separately) 

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was ��cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[muthaz-rapapa]

Let’s talk TroPreCure! (^∀^ 🌺)

i’m so stupidly proud of this dumb pun “tropurikyua~”, hahahahaha

Last post of the year and wow is there are lot to be excited for!

I even had to make a list for the stuff I want to talk about and I’m sure I already forgot one or two things but we’ll get to them as we continue to float~ along the wave to February 28th, mmkay? :)

Now for what has peaked my interest so far. And yes, we have to talk about the following first:

1) HealPre the shortest Precure season??

Unless they plan for double features in February (which I doubt but you never know), HealPre is likely going to reach only 45 episodes long instead of the usual 48~50 before TroPre I’m using this shortening of the title for now so if there’s a better alternative, tell me and I’ll switch out begins its broadcast.

Understandable because the producers probably want to get back to their normal scheduling as soon as possible (toy sales, y’know) and I suspect pushing the start of the new season back by a month is the most they’re willing to compromise.

As for me, I’m quite happy about this since HealPre’s lost its hold on my attention a while ago so the sooner TroPre gets here, the better. Though the downside might be a scrambled climax and a rushed, underwhelming ending for HealPre (I dunno if it’s January’s titles that feel a bit messy or if the hiatus is still throwing me off) but whatever. We’ll refresh ourselves with the new blood Cures so it’s all good.

2) Tropical movie announced for Autumn 2021, no All Stars??

(source)

First saw this mentioned on Youtube somewhere but it’s all over the fandom forums by now. I mean, HealPre’s movie is set for March, the usual time slot for All Stars release. If Toei intended for there to be an All Stars in 2021, there’s no way they would announce the seasonal movie before it so speculations of them skipping it this year are probably true.

To squeeze it somewhere between March and October-ish would force them to readjust their budgets as well and I don’t think even Toei wants to go through that extra hassle after all the trouble the pandemic’s caused for everyone already. It’s just easier to resume All Stars in 2022.

That, and I think Laura being a major character in TroPre despite not having a Cure title (yet) would make for an awkward situation when the three latest teams gather so perhaps that’s also one of the reasons. But I’ll get back to Laura in a bit.

3) Cure Summer is a RAINBOW Cure

So god help me if I see anyone calling her a Pink Cure.

Yes, she’s the lead Cure for this season. NO, she is not a Pink Cure.

Look, even the official website has a rainbow overlay for her profile pic and text font while everyone else’s respective theme colors are a solid hue:

Therefore, RAINBOW.

In promotional material and merchandising, they’re probably going to advertise her primarily with pink bah and at worst, she might occasionally be labeled as a White Cure with multiple subcolors (her outfit is not pink-dominant) but definitely NOT. PINK.

...also, this goes without saying but f***yea, we finally got a lead Cure practically and unabashedly wearing the LGBTQ flag and you cannot tell me otherwise, Toei!

Own up to it! Declare Manatsu/Cure Summer as the Precure queer icon!

I’m not gonna stop yellin’ until you do! 😠

4) Laura = obvious midseason Cure is obvious

First of all, Laura is a babe. I already love her the best and she’s not even Precure yet. <3

Anyways, the set-up is pretty much in the description. Important main character who’s not a mascot, stated to have a self-confident personality and just speaks her mind (oooh, I like~ :D), magical/foreign being from another world looking for Precure to save her home, possesses her own special item(s), has aspirations to become the next Queen (so she’s a princess-candidate or something to that effect, I suppose).

We’ve seen various combinations of these traits in past midseason (and a few starter) Cures so nobody should be surprised when we all guessed that one of the Cures would be a real live mermaid.

The only question is why not just make Laura a Cure from the get-go if she’s introduced to us at the beginning (like Hime or Lala) and having a team of five with no unnecessary extra add-ons later on (like Smile).

Well, there’s a simple answer for that: formula.

Toei is afraid that if they don’t spit out some new animation sequence at the halfway and third quarter points of the show, the kids will lose interest and abandon the series altogether. Which means failed toy sales. Oh nooo... [/sarcasm]

...Yea. 

And this way they can also have Laura available in the Cure lineup for the next All Stars in 2022 instead of making her sit the fight out if we were going to have one in 2021. I’m convinced that’s gotta be one of the reasons. *shrug*

But ok, whatever. Her debut is gonna be later, that’s all. She’s a delayed Cure.  Midseason Cure, same difference.

Moving along to the more important stuff now like what’s her Cure name gonna be, y/y?

Well, knowing Toei, a translation of the term “mermaid” into another language is the most predictable route even though we already have a Cure Mermaid. Not like that ever stopped them from repeating words before (ex. Cure Happy vs Cure Felice). Though if they do go down that road, I hope they opt for the Spanish/Italian “sirena” and not the French “sirène” because the latter sounds too close to how Cure Selene is pronounced in Japanese. And, putting it nicely, we all know Japanese pronunciation of foreign words is as off kilter as can be.

Hell, even the the Portuguese “sereia” sounds aesthetic as hell so it’d be nice if they can just remember there are other languages that exist out there besides Japanese, English and French when making the final decision at the writing table! *stomps foot* >:/

Alternatively, “nereid” or “naiad” are good choices too but they remind me too much of Greek myths and Laura’s from the Grand Ocean which covers more than just a couple of seas (Greece is surrounded by three, btw) so...

I dunno. But whatever it’s gonna be, she’s definitely got a strong association with water and her powers will probably be based on that.

As for theme color, since there’s noticeably no blue or green Cure in the starter lineup, it’s likely she will take up that spot when she debuts around ep 20.

Pink is also open since Cure Summer, again, is technically not a Pink Cure and Laura’s hair and tail fin are hot and light pink respectively but looking at Laura’s design and concept, does anyone seriously believe that?

Her upper torso consists of aquamarine while the body of her tail is definitely some shade of cyan, implying they’re aiming for somewhere around the middle of green and blue on the lighter spectrum.

And yea, I’m aware that green and blue are considered exchangeable in some perspectives with how close some of their shades are to each other but officially, I think Laura’s gonna be grouped with the Green Cures.

Cuz of the hair. If Laura’s gonna keep it the same or a similar shade after transforming, that is. The Blues have always had cool-colored hair so putting Laura in with them might disrupt that harmony whereas if you put her with the few Greens there are (including Parfait), she’d fit right in.

I mean, we’ll see but that makes the most sense, doesn’t it?

On another note, I just want to say that I love how they added frills to her arms instead of letting her elbows go bare naked. It definitely makes her look more like a genuine mermaid than if she didn’t have them (remember, half fish doesn’t mean half the body :P).

5) Magical Items

Frankly, I’m tired of seeing the transformation device being a compact again even though one of the main motifs is make-up this season. But at least, as far as Precure compacts goes, the Tropical one is my favorite cuz of how cute and delightfully colorful its toy version looks! So I guess I’m okay with it.

The Heart Rouge Rod, though? ...I dunno. I think it would’ve been fine without that...straw (?) jutting out at the top. It looks weird, doesn’t it look weird? :S

As for the collectible clip-ons, I can live without those for the rest of my life. Yeesh.

Laura’s items, the Aqua Pot and the Ocean Prism Mirror.

Again with the portable, travel-size housing. *sigh* 😩

Alright, I can let this year slide cuz Laura (I’m so soft for her, omg) probably won’t be getting legs for 20 weeks so she’s got to move about on land somehow. But unless they’re really thinking about turning this idea of carrying your apartment around in your bag/pocket/purse into a reality (cuz that would be effin’ awesome), please be more creative with your toys.

On the other hand, I’m much more interested in the Ocean Prism Mirror but from what Kusyami (the Precure merchandise reviews I follow on Youtube) said in his latest vid, this is the ED dance item so don’t know if it’ll actually have an relevance to the story or not. But I did hear him mention it having something to do with the Queen as well and since Laura wishes to become Queen, maybe it’ll be important after all? Maybe it’s her transformation device?

That’d be super cool. Let’s continue the trend of the midseason Cure having a different transformation item than the starters. Honestly, we should alternate every other year or two but we’ve gone three seasons with all of them using the same henshin gimmicks up till HealPre and I just want a break from that.

6) Fin sleeves??

These look so impractical for combat so maybe it’s exclusive to group attacks.

And/or a sort of precursor to the super forms?

*GASP* Does that mean they all eventually turn into mermaids? 🤩

7) Yui finally became Precure!! 😭

lol, it’s all crack from this point on so don’t take it too seriously but man, after Yuni’s deceptive braids, I thought I wasn’t gonna see anything that reminded me of Yui for a while and lo behold, Sango.

kehehehehehe xD;

Though Yui might be closer to Minori in terms of personal interests (fairytales and storybooks).

8) Akira, the actual Onee-chan version

I didn’t think this when I first saw her but once I read “Onee-san” in her profile, there’s no saving you now. Sorry, Asuka. 😅

Also, damn, do her sandals make her feet look big! Compare them to the heels she wears as Flamingo. Are they even the same?! lololol

9) ...this sounds awfully familiar...

Translation:

Tokimeku Tokonatsu! [Exciting/Thrilling Everlasting Summer!] Cure Summer! Kirameku Hoseki! [Sparkling Jewel!] Cure Coral!  Hirameku Fuurutsu! [Flashing Fruit!] Cure Papaya!

Japanese reiteration:

Mallow/Mao: Pink no tokimeki! Lillie: Blue no kirameki! Lana/Suiren: Yellow no kagayaki!

….........

@Toei 

Care to explain yourselves, punks?! 

୧(ʘ ∀ ʘ ╬)

[maximelebled]

2019 & 2020

Hello everyone! So yeah, this yearly blog post is about three... four months late... it covers two years now.

I did have a lot of things written last year, last time, but the more things have changed, the more I’ve realized that a lot of things I talked about on here... were because I lacked enough of a social life to want to open up on here.

In a less awkwardly-phrased way, what I’m saying is, I was coping.

Not an easy thing to admit to in public by any means, but I reckon it’s the truth. Over the past two years, I’ve made more of an effort to build better & healthier friendships, dial back my social media usage a bit (number 1 coping strategy), not tie all my friendships to games I play, especially Dota (number 2 coping strategy), so that I could be more emotionally healthy overall. 

Pictured: me looking a whole lot like @dril on the outside, although not so much on the inside. (Photo by my lovely partner.)

To some degree, I believe it’s important to be able to talk about yourself a bit more openly in a way that is generally not encouraged nor made easy on other social networks (looking at you, Twitter). I know that 2010-me would be scared to approach 2020-me; and it’s my hope that what I am writing here would not help him with that, but also help him become less of an insecure dweeb faster. 😉

Not that recent accomplishments have stopped me from being any less professionally anxious. Sometimes the impostor syndrome just morphs into... something else.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, the first reason it took me until this year to finish last year’s post is because, with my shift in perspective, and these realizations about myself, I do want to keep a lot more things private... or rather, it’s that I don’t feel the need to share them anymore? And that made figuring out what to write a fair bit harder.

The other reason I didn’t write sooner is because, in 2018, I wrote my "year in review” post right before I became able to talk about my then-latest cool thing (my work on Valve’s 2018 True Sight documentary). So I then knew I’d have to bring it up in the 2019 post. But then, I was asked to work on the 2019 True Sight documentary, and I know it was going to air in late January 2020, so I was like, “okay, well, whatever, it, I’ll just write this yearly recap after that, so I don’t miss the coach this time”. So I just ended up delaying it again until I was like... “okay, whatever, I’ll just do both 2019 and 2020 in a single post.”

I think I can say I’ve had the privilege of a pretty good 2019, all things considered. And also of a decent 2020, given the circumstances. Overall, 2019 was a year of professional fulfillment; here’s a photo taken of me while I was managing the augmented reality system at The International 2019! (The $35 million dollar Dota 2 tournament that was held, this that year, in Shanghai.)

If I’d shown this to myself 10 years ago it would’ve blown my mind, so I guess things aren’t all that bad...!

I’ve brought up two health topics in these posts before: weight & sleep.

As for the first, the situation is still stable. If it is improving, it is doing so at a snail’s pace. But quite frankly, I haven’t put in enough effort into it overall. Even though I know my diet is way better than it was five or six years ago, I’ve only just really caught up with the “how it should have been the entire time” stage. It is a milestone... but not necessarily an impressive one. Learning to cook better things for myself has been very rewarding and fulfilling, though. It’s definitely what I’d recommend if you need to find a place to start.

As for sleep, throughout 2019, I continued living 25-hour days for the most part. There were a few weeks during which I slowed down the process, but it continued on going. Then, in late December of 2019, motivated by the knowledge that sleep is such a foundational pillar of your health, I figured I really needed to take things seriously, and I managed to go on a three month streak of mostly-stable sleep! (See the data above.)

Part of what helped was willingly stopping to use my desktop computer once it got too late in the day, avoiding Dota at the end of the day as much as possible, and anything exciting for that matter... and, as much as that sounds like the worst possible stereotype, trying to “listen to my body” and recognizing when I was letting stress and anxiety build up inside me, and taking a break or trying to relax.

Also, a pill of melatonin before going to bed; but even though it’s allegedly not a problem to take melatonin, I figured I should try to rely on it as little as possible.

Unfortunately, that “good sleep” streak was abruptly stopped by a flu-like illness... it might have been Covid-19. The symptoms somewhat matched up, but I was lucky: they were very mild. I fully recovered in just over a week. I coughed a bit, but not that much. If it really was that disease, then I got very lucky.

(Pictured: another photo by my lovely SO, somewhere in Auvergne.)

My sleep continued to drift back to its 25-hour rhythm, and I only started resuming these efforts towards the fall... mostly because living during the night felt like a better option with the summer heat (no AC here). I thought about doing that the other way (getting up at 3am instead of going to bed at 7am), and while it’d make more sense temperature-wise, that would have kept me awake when there were practically no people online, and I was trying to have a better social life then, even if had to be purely online due to the coronavirus, so... yeah.

I’ve been working from home since 2012! I also lived alone for a number of years since then. For the most part, it hasn’t been a great thing for my mental health. Having had a taste of what being in an office was like thanks to a couple weeks in the Valve offices, I had the goal of beginning to apply at a few places here and there in March/April. Then the pandemic hit, so those plans are dead in the water. I wanted 2020 to be the year in which I’d finally stop being fully remote, but those plans are now dead in the water.

Now, at the end of the year, I don’t really know if I want to apply at any places. There’s a small handful of studios whose work really resonates with me, creatively speaking, and whose working conditions seem to be alright, at least from what I hear... but, and I swear I’m saying this in the least braggy way possible... there’s very little that beats having been able to work on what I want, when I want, and how much I want.

This kind of freelance status can be pretty terrifying sometimes, but I’ve managed (with some luck, of course) to reach a safe balance, a point at which I’ve effectively got this luxury of being able to only really work on what I want, and never truly overwork myself (at least by the standards of most of the gaming industry). It’s a big privilege and I feel like it’d take a lot to give it up.

Besides the things I mentioned before, one thing I did that drastically improved my mental health was being introduced to a new lovely group of friends by my partner! I started playing Dungeons & Dragons with them, every weekend or so! And in the spirit of a rising tide lifting all boats, I managed to also give back to our lovely DM, by being a sort of “AM” (audio manager)... It’s been great having something to look forward to every week.

Something to look forward to... I’ve heard about the concept of “temporal anchors”. I had heard about how the reason our adult years suddenly pass by in a blur is because we now have more “time” that’s already in our brains, but now I’m more convinced that it’s because we’re going from a very school routine such as the one schools impose upon us, to, well... practically nothing.

I thought most of my years since 2011 have been a blur, but none have whooshed by like 2020 has, and I reckon part of that is because I’ve (obviously) gone out far far less, and most importantly there wasn’t The Big Summer Event That The International Is, the biggest yearly “temporal anchor” at my disposal. The anticipation and release of those energies made summer feel a fair bit longer... and this year, summer was very much a blur for me. In and out like the wind.

I guess besides that, I haven’t really had that much trouble with being locked down. I had years of training for that, after all. Doesn’t feel like I can complain. 😛

(Pictured: trip to Chicago in January of 2019... right when the polar vortex hit!)

Work was good in 2019, and sparser in 2020. Working with Valve again after the 2018 True Sight was a very exciting opportunity. At the time, in February of 2019, I was out with my partner on little holiday trips around my region, and, after night fell, on the way back, we decided to stop in a wide open field, on a tiny countryside path, away from the cities, to try and do some star-gazing, without light pollution getting in the way.

And it’s there and then that I received their message, while looking at the stars with my SO! The timing and location turned that into a very vivid memory...

I then got to spend a couple weeks in their offices in late April / early May. I was able to bring my partner along with me to Washington State, and we did some sightseeing on the weekends.

(Pictured: part of a weekend trip in Washington. This was a dried up lakebed.)

After that, I worked on the Void Spirit trailer in the lead to The International. In August, those couple weeks in Shanghai were intense. Having peeked behind the curtain and seen everything that goes into production really does give me a much deeper appreciation for all the work that goes unseen. 

Then after that, in late 2019, there was my work on the yearly True Sight documentary, for the second time. In 2018, I’d been tasked with making just two animated sequences, and I was very nervous since that was my first time working directly with Valve; my work then was fairly “sober”, for lack of a better term.

(Pictured: view from my hotel room in Shanghai.)

For the 2019 edition, I had double the amount of sequences on my plate, and they were very trusting of me, which was very reassuring. I got to be more technically ambitious, I let my style shine through (you know... if it’s got all these gratuitous light beams, etc.), and it was real fun to work on.

At the premiere in Berlin, I was sitting in the middle of the room (in fact, you could spot me in the pre-show broadcast behind SirActionSlacks; unfortunately I had forgotten to bring textures for my shirt). Being in that spot when my shots started playing, and hearing people laughing and cheering at them... that’s an unforgettable memory. The last time I had experienced something like that was having my first Dota short film played at KeyArena in 2015, the laughter of the crowd echoing all around me... I was shaking in my seat. Just remembering it gets my heart pumping, man. It’s a really unique feeling.

So I’m pretty happy with how that work came out. I came out of it having learned quite a few new tricks too, born out of necessity from my technical ambitions. Stuff I intend to put to use again. I’m really glad that the team I worked with at Valve was so kind and great to work with. After the premiere, I received a few more compliments from them... and I did reply, “careful! You might give me enough confidence to apply!”, to which one of them replied, “you totally should, man.” But I still haven’t because I’m a massive idiot, haha. Well, I still haven’t because I don’t think I’m well-rounded enough yet. And also because, like I alluded to before, I think I’m in a pretty good situation as it is.

It’s not the first encouragements I had received from them, too; there had been a couple people from the Dota team who, at the end of my two week stay in the offices, while I was on my way out, told me I should try applying. But again, I didn’t apply because I’m a massive idiot.

(Pictured: view from the Valve offices.)

To be 200% frank, even though there’s been quite a few people who’ve followed my work throughout the years, comments on Reddit and YouTube, etc. who’ve all said things along the lines of “why aren’t you working for them ?”, well... it’s not something I ever really pursued. I know it’s a lot of people’s dream job, but I never saw it that way. I feel like, if it ever happened to me... sure, that could be cool! But I don’t know if it’s something I really want, or even that I should want?

And if you add “being unsure” to what I consider to be a lack of experience in certain things, well... I really don’t think I’d be a good candidate (yet?), and having seen how busy these people are on the inside, the last thing I want to do is waste their time with a bad application. That would be the most basic form of courtesy I can show to them.

Besides, Covid-19 makes applying to just about any job very hard, if not outright impossible right now. And for a while longer, I suspect.

(Pictured: the Tuilière & Sanadoire rocks.)

I’m still unhappy about the amount of “actual animation” I get to do overall since I like to work on just about every step of the process in my videos, but well. It’s getting better. One thing I am happy with though, is “solving problems”. And new challenges. Seeking the answers to them, and making myself be able to see those problems, alongside entire projects, from a more “holistic” way, that is to say, not missing the forest for the trees.

It’s hard to explain, and even just the use of the term “holistic” sounds like some kind of pompous cop-out... but looking back on how I handled projects 5 years ago vs. now, I see the differences in how I think about problems a lot. And to some extent I do have my time on Valve contracts to thank a LOT in helping me progress there.

Anyway, I’m currently working on a project that I’m very interested & creativefuly fulfilled by. But it has nothing to do with animation nor Dota, for a change! There are definitely at least two other Dota short films I want to make, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy new year & take care y’all.

[curious-minx]

Lookie here, my dear (Don’t miss this album!

“

Lookie Here, My Dear is a weekly column that spotlights albums that have evaded the Big Sites (Pitchfork, Stereogum, Allmusic, etc,). This week’s album is one that especially needs some extra love and support:  Of Montreal’s 21st album: I Feel Safe With You, Trash.

Image from Of Montreal’s Bandcamp, please consider supporting an artist you love today on Bandcamp

Of Montreal is the closest I have gotten to embracing a Phish/Grateful Dead style fandom over a band. I would absolutely drop everything I am doing in my life to follow of Montreal on tour. I am singing along to every song. I don’t have the songs consciously memorized, they have been programmed into me. I have listened to a full bootleg version of False Priest and have seen them live more than any other musical act in my lifetime (Around 10 times in three different states and one different country). As an aggressively weird and emotional kid growing up in the South that wanted to break through the gender binary and frighten and challenge the “normals,” you couldn’t ask for a better soundtrack than Of Montreal. I discovered them in 2007, the year of Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer? The last album Of Montreal would earn Pitchfork and Big Publication’s laurels and respect.

There have been 10 albums out since Hissing Fauna and I love the majority of these albums to various degrees. There is a B-sides rarity compilation Daughter of Cloud that I haven’t really spent time with and a couple of real dud LPs: Innocence Reaches and UR Fun. UR Fun was the most recent Of Montreal album that came out in the beginning of 2020 and was more or less written off as a complete failure by critics and online fairweather fans. Critics have actively grown disdainful over Barnes’ eccentricities and their overwhelming unfashionability, there hasn’t been anything trendy about of Montreal in nearly 14 years. Real of Montreal fans know there’s usually one middling album that paves the way for a much stronger release. Mainly evident in the jump of quality between Innocence Reaches and White is Relic. The leap in quality between Trash and UR Fun is astonishing.  

UR Fun has some choice cuts and even the worst Of Montreal albums are more interesting than a good deal of today’s musical landscape. I saw Of Montreal live for UR Fun in February 2020, one of the last full capacity shows that would ever happen in Brooklyn’s Brooklyn Steel venue, perhaps forever. Unfortunately it was one of the most unpleasant oM concerts I attended and no fault of the band but due to the audience. Restless and rude bodies going back and forth, forth and back to the bar or who knows elsewhere and shoving people around. An absolute covid nightmare. Nobody attending concerts in January and February 2020 were appreciating them as much as they should.

////

Of Montreal had been releasing their albums on Polyvinyl since their sixth LP, the critical breakthrough Satanic Panic in the Attic. At that point Barnes had already spent 8 years building up a devoted cult following and making hysterically ornate psychedelic pop and lo-fi rock confections. Of Montreal seem to have a layered working relationship and have been a stable home for Barnes’ adventurous output. What’s remarkable is that none of these shifts in sound ever feel like counter culture role play or trying on an EDM hat or a alternative country hat, they are always distinctively an Of Montreal album. Besides stylistic adventurousness the other running throughline that connects the of Montreal discography together is Barnes’ penchant for hyper-literate, bold everything and the kitchen sink approach to lyricism and songwriting. The highly divisive, gloriously deranged Hissing Fauna follow-up LP, Skeletal Lamping is where the free-verse, songs within songs approach fully becomes a mainstay for Barnes. Even though I Feel Safe With You, Trash is being released on a separate personal vanity label, Sybaritic Peer, Of Montreal and Polyvinyl continue to be a fertile label and artist relationship. 

I Feel Safe With You, Trash is also notably the longest album released by Of Montreal since 2004’s Coquelicot Asleep in the Poppies (1 hr 9 mins) clocking in at 1 hr 6 mins. As of writing this article I have already listened to the album three times and counting upon its official release date. Not because I have a moral principal about how many times a person should experience art before analyzing it, but because the album is so damn replayable. Of Montreal at their best, and this album represents Barnes at the height of their powers, reminds me why I love and obsess over music. Hardly anyone making music today is making music this bold and adventurous. At this point in their career Barnes has more than solidified their status as bonafide Japanese word for a Music Witch. 

Barnes has been performing and producing every single instrument and singing every backing track on their albums for over two decades now, and still indicates not even a sliver of fatigue. There are days where I can barely write a single thought down because I know it won’t get a single like, it won’t lead me any closer to picking up the camera and nailing that perfect monologue. I can be salty about the life of obscurity I have built for myself, but then I have to remember Kevin Barnes. A bonafide musical genius that hardly bothers to get the word out. Barnes seems incapable of stopping making the sort of albums a person can get lost in for days. They are my biggest musical heroes, they represent exactly the sort of path I want to carve out for myself.

I Feel Safe with You, Trash is the embodiment of the gift that keeps on giving. A portrait of an LGTBQI+ artist 25 years into a career completely devoid of diminishing returns. There have been some missteps along the way with “Georgie Fruit'' and having too much fun during a mid-life crisis with UR Fun. More importantly I Feel Safe with You, Trash represents real, critical growth for Of Montreal. And this is Album One of Two of 2021, the year Of Montreal continued to take up a considerable portion of my mental bandwidth, it’s pure bliss. 

///

Notable Tracks:

Aries Equals Good Trash - The first obvious “single” for the album that has a serious swaying lilting, uneasy beat. The vocals on this track are indicative of the overall shift in quality in Barnes vocals that have gotten a lot less strained and smoother.  Favorite lyric/delivery:

“I compare thee to a saturnalia (ha!) if I may be so rude.” 

The song also touches upon Barnes’ relating to be on the spectrum, both the gender/sexual spectrum and the cognitive one. Music for people breaking new ground with a broken brain. 

Now That’s What I Call Freewave - 

“Every time I look at my phone I get brain damaged. By every blamedead person I get lobotomized"

This song is also the first song in the Western music canon to introduce the phrase “feelbad songs of Covid summer.” This song also marks the first appearance of several where Barnes is absolutely shredding the guitar. I don’t really listen to much music that places and emphasis on “solos” or melting the fret board, but how can you not get excited by that burst of guitar? Also leave it to Barnes to find a way to also shout out an experimental cinema deep cut, Chick Strand’s Soft Fiction. I also discovered the Czech film Valerie and Her Week of Wonders through the song “st. exquisite’s confessions.” Why not also use your songs as a chance to shout out cool obscure cinema? 

Still from Chick Strand’s Soft Fiction

True Beauty Forever - Of Montreal go future funk. If you don’t know what that means don’t worry I’m brewing up a whole story on the joys of future funk. 

“I'm a black widow and I don't bite you so I guess I'm in love!

Possibly my new favorite Of Montreal song...

Fuckheads Is the Auto-correction - Okay I need to nix that phrase from my vocabulary because nearly every song on this album could be considered a new favorite. How can you top this opening couplet: 

Am I a creep because I don’t have a chosen pronoun? Am I a creep because my mind is the Odeon of the multiverse?

Drowner's TeÃrs - The use of pitched up vocals is an example of some of the new bells and whistles added to the oM sound palette. 

Fingerless Gloves & Kcrraanggaanngg!! - Find Barnes doing death core, metal styled goblin shrieks and it really, really works. More absolutely gnarly and nasty fret work. 

 Yamagate Florest Flutes & ThRam Rammaged à Man-Mod - Reggae/Dub Of Montreal? :O

Notes Of ViOlate SPectates A Flatter Of Male & So Chill Then (o Portão) - On an album this dense and frenetic there had to be some more ambient and chill passages and having So Chill Then as the album closer makes for a satisfying, soft landing. 

///

And to close whole she-bang up here’s a picture of Of Montreal performing at one of the best music festivals in the world, Pahoda in Slovakia:

 This post is in no way associated with Of Montreal in any way, but I highly recommend checking out and subscribing to Of Montreal’s Patreon Page and ride the artwave!

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

*arrives a month late*... Happy 2021 to all of you, my dear followers! *raises a glass* It seems that my tendency to finish my artwork or personal posts on time has only gotten worse over time (I blame work *lol*). Oh well, better late than never, since there are things I would still like to take with me from this extraordinary year of 2020.

It is cringeworthy that I have two huge red X-s this year. But after I'd put these puzzle pieces together, I remembered far too well what was going on in my (work) life at the time, so it's completely understandable why I didn't have the time nor the energy to draw at all during those two months.

What were those typical statistics that I wrote about again to compare the years? *goes to read last year's post*.. Oh, right! In 2020, I managed to finish 3 full digital drawings (from the months of April, July and December) as well as work on several sketches. I wrote 28,154 words worth of fanfiction (oohh, that's a lot better than previous year), plus 3,126 words in English (I dare say I wrote an equal amount in Estonian) for the prompts I got during UYLD (making the total 31,280 words, which is quite impressive!).

I finished reading the 1st Kyoshi novel in the evening of the 20th and slightly past midnight on the 21st December (barely before the holidays, but I set this goal for myself and I did it!). Am already looking forward to starting with the 2nd part some time this year. Besides that, I ordered and received all the other new Avatar books that came out (3rd part of "Ruins of the Empire", "Katara and the Pirate's Silver", "Legacy of the Fire Nation") as well as BOTH Avatar series DVD sets (I still can't believe I found these on sale on some random online store in Estonia, but these are now among my most prized possessions!).

I finally started my Avatar rewatch last January, but merely got to the Ba Sing Se episodes in Book 2 (I need to continue with "The Earth King") and now it's been 5 YEARS since I last saw Korra. Reading through my journal personal posts from last year, I know far too well that it's not about rushing through it as fast as possible. Instead, I should enjoy the ride and continue watching the episodes when I'm well rested and in the right mood. That way I'll end up feeling much more at peace.

As for the entire year as a whole? I don't think anyone in this world of ours was prepared for the way this decade would begin - with an uncontrollable pandemic, the virus of which is randomly attacking and threatening to wipe out the weakest amongst us. If any of you (or even if you know someone who) have lost a loved one to this plague, there is not much else I can offer but my sincerest condolences! Me, my family, friends and colleagues seem to have managed to avoid catching it so far. *spits 3 x over her shoulder*

I had such high hopes for this year in so many ways. Event-wise I was looking forward to watching the Eurovision Song Contest in May (where Uku Suviste was supposed to represent Estonia for the 1st time ever after so many unfortunate failures to get selected as the winner of our local competition), the European Football Championships in June (asking my colleagues which countries they support, perhaps make fun bets / guesses with them to see whose team would win the matches), the Tokyo Olympic Games in July-August, the President of Estonia (Mrs. Kersti Kaljulaid) coming to visit my hometown to celebrate our Victory Day by taking part in the parade together with the Defence Forces (after 15 years *sigh*)...

I will always remember my last big event, which took place when life used to be "normal", so to say. It was the 102nd anniversary of Estonia on the 24th of February, when I took part of all the most important celebrations in Tallinn on our Independence Day, FULL-TIME (whenever I scroll through my Facebook timeline, I see the photos I uploaded of that day, my heart melts and I smile fondly). But the day after that.. utter hell broke loose. We had our first infected person in the country.

I will also remember the last day I went to work in "normal" conditions. Friday, the 13th of March (typically my lucky day-number combination): I missed the tram I wanted to get on in the morning, at work my team received great news that one of our colleague's family had grown bigger by a new tiny member the day before, we had our last team lunch together, we discussed the safety measures that we should take and joked about what might happen next week, I took the bus home instead of the tram (as the tram's route came from the airport and that place was considered to be more dangerous and with a higher risk of catching this virus).. It was another 2.5 weeks later by then (since the 25th of February) - Estonia (along with the rest of Europe) went into full lockdown.

The beginning was frightening and people were on edge, nobody really knew what to do nor what was gonna happen next. But in time, things began to shake into place and everybody developed a comfortable routine for remote work, including figuring out how to get everyday things done (such as grocery shopping). I found solace in taking photographs of various beautiful bird species, who began to fly around and serenaded me during spring, visiting the trees around my "nest" i.e. rented apartment (with a pair of them ACTUALLY building a nest in the chestnut tree right beside my window, thus turning me into a protective godmother of their chicks).

To be honest, I was awestruck by the positive / surprising aftermath of this lockdown: how the world / environment began to heal itself from the pollution that was normally caused by humans. I was taken aback by how dead silent our usually loud capital became in my neighbourhood (I could only hear trams passing by my house according to their schedules, practically no cars whatsoever, streets were empty of people.. absolute silence).

By May-June, things started to look up in Estonia (as well as the rest of Europe) and people were allowed to start travelling / moving around more freely. During my vacation in July, I managed to go to my last (open air) event (for the rest of the year) under these new "corona" conditions and ended up having a blast at the Open Farm Days in my home county for the first time.

Our country's shining moment came during the first week of September, when we hosted the first ever Rally Estonia of the World Rally Championship (WRC), where our very own Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja won. The event was so well organized and successful that nobody caught the virus nor did the spectators / participants spread it to others, which surely must've helped in ensuring us a spot in the WRC calendar for 2021 as well.

The remainder of the year was rather dull, with the exception of the US Presidential elections in November, when we were all holding our breaths that Joe Biden would win (congratulations, my American friends!). This eventually led to the painful downfall of THE WORST government the Republic of Estonia has ever had, and to the rise of our first female Prime Minister, Kaja Kallas (both happening in January 2021, I couldn't believe it all spiralled so soon, ha-ha!).

Anyways, during the last 4 months, work was very stressful and driving me nuts, so badly that when I eventually went on vacation before Christmas, I had a slight anxiety disorder that wouldn't let me relax for several days (luckily it went away just as quickly once I began to take it easy and managed to get some proper rest / sleep).

In hindsight, I kind of get this weird feeling as if I saw this whole thing coming, given how actively I was living my life throughout 2019. My final year of the 2010's was so full of important events and personal achievements. It's almost as if something mysterious inside was driving me, telling me to visit all the places and do all the things I wanted to do, cause I wouldn't have this sort of a chance again for a very long time.

This must be the main reason why I am thankful for 2020 for going the way it did. Sure, I'm disappointed that a lot of events were cancelled, that so many people have had to leave this world so soon due to this unpredictable disease.. But I think there are so many lessons to take from what came out of all of this. I believe the world needed some sort of a restart or break, given in what direction we were headed (politically, economically, environmentally, socially etc.). I'm just sorry it's had to come with such a high price of innocent lives.

I have even higher hopes for 2021, given how amazingly January has already passed for me and my country, and what is to come in my hometown in February. Let's take the lessons learned from 2020 with us and keep on heading back towards the "normal" lifestyle we used to know. Except this time, let's improve our ways, put all the hatred behind us, be more considerate, keep a distance, stay safe, but still try to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you so much for reading, for remaining by my side, and for your support and love throughout the years, my friends! I hope to see you all alive and healthy at the end of the white metal ox year of 2021! *virtual hugs*

[saedii-gilwraeth-simp]

I Knew I Loved You ~ Chapter 6

I would like it on the record that I did not intend for the angstiest chapter in this fic to be posted on April Fools but here we are.

Chapter 6: Arsinoe

~Perth, Scotland/Glasgow, Scotland~

“And that would be another $300 to me, thank you very much Junior,” Arsinoe laughed as her soulmate begrudgingly handed her the monopoly money. Jane giggled behind her hand. She was the first to go bankrupt at her brother’s skilled hands, but Arsinoe had bought all of the monopoly skill she had gained from playing with Jules for years. She wasn’t backing down and it was amusing to all except for Billy, who she was basically robbing. Christine as the banker was also trying to hold back her laughter. Billy was after all, meant to be an expert in real world financing.

“I’m never playing Monopoly with you ever again. You’re just cruel,” Billy pouted, prompting Arsinoe to poke her tongue out before rolling the dice again, landing on another of her own properties.

It took two more rolls for her to be crowned champion, much to everyone’s surprise. It seemed that her partner was usually the reigning champion.

They left soon after, Jane hugging her before they did.

Billy walked her to her door and just before he turned to leave, she took a deep breath and spoke.

“Do you want to come in? I wanted to talk to you about last night,” Billy frowned and followed her in to the living room, where she told him to wait on the couch, before receding to her bedroom. She closed the door and leaned against it, taking a deep breath.

“Come one, Arsinoe, you can do this,” she says firmly to herself before going to her bedside table and picking up the photo frame that sat there. She glanced at it and returned to the living room, sitting at the opposite end of the couch to him and handing him the photo frame. She watched as he took in the photo taken on their 17th birthday, eating cake on a hospital bed. He takes it in before glancing to her, waiting for her to speak.

“Katharine is the bald one on the middle and Mirabella is the pretty one on the left. They are… were my sisters,” Billy’s eyebrows furrowed as if trying to figure something out. Arsinoe waited until his eyes lit up in recognition and then saddened.

“January 24th, February 1st,” Arsinoe nodded, her throat clenching. “Do you want to tell me about them?” Arsinoe nodded and let him take her hand in his own.

“Mira was older than me by 3 minutes and she was brilliant. After our parents decided they would rather get rich in Europe and Asia and left us an endless cycle of babysitters she became this super sister. She was beautiful, inside and out and she protected us like no one else would. Kat was younger by 10 minutes and she was the baby of us three. In high school, I got a suspension for breaking the nose of a boy that had hurt her. Mira and I both would have done anything to keep her safe. And then, just after our 16th…” she paused, brushing away the tears that had started to fall and taking a deep breath. “After our 16th, Kat started acting weird. She woke up one morning and had a seizure at the breakfast table. When we took her to the hospital… she had malignant brain cancer. Also known as the worst type of cancer you can develop,” as calm as she spoke, Arsinoe could feel her own throat tightening and she took another breath. Billy crossed the distance between the two and pulled her into his side. Arsinoe buried her nose in his ribs and tried not to sob. She hadn’t even finished telling the story yet. She pulls back from him and wipes away tears before continuing to speak.

“About a month after our 17th, I was with Kat at the hospital because the doctors had told us that she didn’t have much time left, so we were trying to spend as much time with her as we could. Anyway, she tells me that I need to go away and spend the day with my friends because Mira was on her way to the hospital. I only listened when she threatened to call security. I went to meet up with Jules and we were going to go to the movies. Just before we went in, I got a call from the hospital. I expected to be told that Kat had gone, but instead they asked if I was Mirabella’s sister,” she sobbed and Billy pulled her back to him gently, letting her sob grossly in his shirt until she was calm enough to continue. She didn’t miss the tears in his own eyes as she kept talking.

“Some asshole driving a semi-trailer wasn’t paying attention and had jack-knifed on the highway. He had swerved lanes and the car behind Mira didn’t break as fast as her. She died on impact,” she paused again.

“They put Kat on life support that night, told me that it was up to my parents to turn it off. When they called my mum, she told them to leave the choice to me. I pulled the plug the next week, after I had organised a funeral for the two of them,” Billy frowned.

“Where were your parents for all of this?” Arsinoe scoffed.

“On business in Tokyo. They came back to see the funeral they had paid for but eventually mum made such a scene that I kicked them out of the wake. I haven’t seen them since then and the last time we spoke I told them I was going to the army when I was 18. I’m better off without them anyway,” she sniffles and wipes her eyes. “Anyway, that’s it. So if you wanted someone with less baggage, the door is that way ,” she goes to stand and walk away away hurriedly only to be caught by Billy’s hand. He gently pulls her onto his lap and hugs her tight into his chest.

“I wouldn’t want anyone but you, Arsinoe. Why would your past make me want to leave someone so excellent,” she shook slightly, hugging her photo to her stomach and letting herself be calmed by his gentle hands at her back. “Besides, you didn’t think less of me for all that stuff with Jane so why would I think less of you for this?” He kissed her forehead and let his lips rest there, giving her time to calm down and rationalise her thoughts.

Eventually Arsinoe stands again, holding his hand still.

“Would you stay tonight?” Billy nods and stands, letting her lead him to her bedroom.

~

The first thing Arsinoe noticed when she woke up was that her curtains were open and sun was in her eyes. The second thing was Billy’s arm around her waist. She turned and watched him open his eyes. He smiled at her and she felt warm and fuzzy.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi,” she whispered back.

“I love you,” her eyebrows rose slightly. It hadn’t been what she expected him to say at all.

“Do you want to come to a wedding in Croatia with me?” His eyebrows scrunched.

“Why?” Arsinoe shrugged as much as she could.

“Well if we’re in love and I’ve met your family, it’s only fair that you have to meet Jules and the rest of my crew sometime soon,” Billy smiled.

“How scary could that be?” Arsinoe laughed at his nonchalance.

“Jules is a Paralympic archer and Emilia is a decorated officer in the 2nd Commando Regiment in the army. So very scary,” Billy’s eyes widened only slightly.

“What exactly is 2nd Commando Regiment?” Arsinoe smiled and patted his chest.

“Special Forces. Kind of like Australian marines.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Are you okay? You’re looking a bit pale,” she leaned in and pressed a hand to his forehead, as though checking his temperature. He wasn’t pale at all, nor was his temperature rising, but goddess was it fun messing with him. But her teasing made his face calm and he grabbed her hand, kissing her palm.

“You know what? Sounds like fun. Maybe I can beat you a monopoly in front of your friends,” Arsinoe laughed and let him tug her into his arms.

“No can do. Jules says I’m not allowed to play monopoly with Emilia. We give each other bruises too often and then Jules quote unquote ‘has to deal with both of us’ and apparently we’re both pains in her ass so board games are no longer allowed. How good are you at Mario Kart?” Billy laughs.

“It’s been a while but I was a master at Rainbow Road,” Arsinoe gently pushes his shoulder with a scoff.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” he kissed her.

“I love you,” Arsinoe smiled and kissed him.

“I love you right back.”

[mizukiri]

Penny Dreadful Prologue

Before language and time existed before Heaven and Earth, darkness was all that It knew. Just a formless void of nothingness with no curves, edges or lines, it felt nothing about the void, nothing ill or joyful, but It felt a longing. It felt a desire—a Loneliness. And so It split in two, a divine blinding light became, and equal half of all there was, is, and ever could be, and neither knew who came first, the rooster or the egg. They did not care because they had each other. Before they created together, they were together, equals to one another. Eventually, they made language, their children used it, and words like He and She came to be. They had their favourites, their relational ups and downs, but Neither were alone; they could satiate each other. 

  Until they couldn't. 

Until He grew distant and wanted to create alone. 

But that- that is another story. And yet, that story is like a stone skipping across the surface of the water, mirroring the story you are about to hear—and mirroring one of the oldest stories, the tale of love. 

Time heals all wounds, in the end. But this is not the end for us. His end was our beginning.

Some stories are so compelling that they ripple through time, touching people throughout eons, changing slightly. But never enough.

This is their story. 

     .

JANUARY 7TH

.

Shave and a haircut, two bits, reverberates throughout a Greenwich Village loft. Exhaling her cigarette (an action closely resembling a sigh), a tall olive-skinned woman whom most would assume is in her early twenties stands and stretches. She saunters over to the door. She looks through the peephole to see a curly-haired brunette standing on the other side.

"Penny S.?" The short woman in large-framed cat-eyeglasses asks, holding up her phone. "I'm here about the roommate ad?" 

The door opens an inch, dark eyes peering at her from behind it before they seem to speak. "Let me guess, spring semester N.Y.U.?" 

The stranger in front of Penny blinks twice and flushes. "The New School." 

Penny groans before closing the door and taking the chain off the latch before opening it fully. "Strike one."

Cat-eyed Frames ducks her head in greeting and half-waves before walking into the loft apartment before she slips her shoes and her backpack off by the door. Penny watches her quietly; her arms crossed over her tank top. 

"Holy shit." Escapes Frames mouth as she stands up, taking in her surroundings. The loft is easily over 2200 square feet. There is a bathroom to her left as Frames enters, a modest kitchen to her right, and an island to separate it from the rest of the open space. They move around a dark wooden dining room table stacked full of tomes and books that look like they belong in a university library. 

"Sorry— just it's even more amazing than what I was expecting."

Penny rolls her eyes, but Frames is blissfully unaware as she walks around the loft, her hand tracing a pattern on the kitchen island. Penny wanders over and perches herself back in the armchair she had been sitting on before the interruption. The lithe woman reaches for her cigarette and inhales before placing it back in the ashtray beside a small expresso cup. She exhales and picks up an exotic curved blade and her apple before she begins to slice wedges. Behind the chair is three floor-to-ceiling windows narrowly separated by red brick. Beyond the kitchen is a shared wall completely obscured by bookcases overflowing. 

Frames regards Penny calmly, taking in the two messy buns that look like they belong on a child, not a twenty-something-year-old woman. Booty shorts and a tank top seem to be all that she's wearing outside a black stoned ring on her left hand.

"How can you afford this?" 

"I can't." Penny points out with her knife towards Frame's phone, still in her hand, "Hence the ad." 

Frames intrigues Penny. She's used to girls wearing Uggs and yoga pants answering her roommate ad, only to last a few months at best. This one is different.

"I didn't catch your name." Penny offers, lifting an apple slice to her mouth before resting her head on her knees.

"Nevaeh." 

A giggle washes over Penny long and full of mirth, but again Frames blushes.

"Oh, you're not kidding. Well that's… unfortunate." 

Nevaeh shifts uncomfortably on the couch. "I could change it—  if it's another one of your strikes." 

Penny shrugs lazily at her. "Hey man it's not for me to judge you based on your name. TRUST me. If you want to change it, change it for yourself. But just to be clear, your parents sound like the worst."

Nevaeh laughs. "That's a little too easy to deduce isn't it? After all, don't most of us flock here to New York to get away from them?"

Penny's heart skips a beat. If you only knew.

"What about you? Do you go to school?" Nevaeh asks, her eyes roving the apartment's layout. To her left, a staircase leads up to a second-story loft where she assumes the rooms are. Her eyes meet Penny, whose back is to the floor to ceiling windows, most of the space filled with bookshelves full of books and interesting looking weapons that couldn't possibly be real decorate the walls.

"I am a private investigator." Penny murmurs, picking up an expresso cup beside her ashtray and takes a sip. 

"How many tenants?"

"Just me."

Nevaeh laughs, beginning to unzip her jacket and remove it. 

"What?" Penny inquires.

"A woman in her twenties lives alone in a Greenwich Village loft inside a building that values rent at over five thousand a month. And you are asking for less than a tenth of that for my portion?"

Rolling her shoulders, Trixie reaches over for her drink to take another sip of it.

"That is correct if we both choose to move forward with this arrangement."

"Do you always keep it this warm?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Not if I don't have to pay for it."

"No the price listed is all inclusive."

"That sounds, like a dream. This whole thing sounds like a dream." Nevaeh stares around the apartment wistfully. 

Penny snorts a small laugh and shakes her head. "Look I think I may like you, against my better judgement, so I'm going to be honest with you. For the last few girls it has been more of a nightmare than a dream. I'm pithy, and sometimes vile. I swear like a sailor and I smoke in the loft. I come and go at all hours, I forget personal boundaries, if you leave chocolate, cake, or chocolate cake in the fridge I will eat it." 

Nevaeh nods and narrows her eyes at the woman in front of her. "You say against your better judgement. We've spent maybe two minutes together. What have you gotten from me so far?"

"Well you yelled my name outside our apartment, which tells me you're naïve and not from the area, since you're obviously not a cop. You took you're shoes off at the door which rules out more of the states, giving me the impression you're possibly Canadian. You're clothing is simple but timeless, made with quality fabrics which tells me while you don't have much to your name, you're aware of the difference between quality and not quantity. Your name screams that your parents were millennials, but ones who must have valued the arts given your choice of school."

Nevaeh reaches over to the coffee table and takes an apple from the bowl before leaning back and crossing her legs underneath her on the couch.

"Want to know what I've gleaned in the last two minutes?" She asks before biting into the fruit.

"What's that?"

Nevaeh just smiles, "you said 'our' apartment."

.

FEBRUARY

.

"Damn it, Penny close the door!" Nevaeh's heart skips a beat as she walks in on Penny going to the washroom. She turns around and raises her eyes to the sky, towels and bathrobe in hand.

"I'm just peeing Vaeh, you're fine." 

"I don't think you're grasping my point!" Vae squeaks. When she hears the toilet flush, she turns around to see Penny doing up her jeans. 

"You said boundaries." Vaeh pleads; Penny shrugs and simpers as she glides past her before Vae adds, "believe me, if you keep pressing, I will release the floodgates and you won't know what hit you."

Vaeh goes to close the door behind her now that she's alone to enjoy her bath. She hears Penny start the espresso machine for the fifth time that day; the percolation's sound causes a small epiphany.

"And wash your hands!"

"I just PEED!"

"Don't be gross or I'll start calling you PigPen!" Vae finishes barking down to Penny on the floor below. Before she closes the door, she listens and is rewarded by hearing the kitchen tap spring to life.

"That's what I thought," she mutters more to herself than anyone as she closes the door to draw herself a bath.

The next morning as she starts the coffee maker for their first pot of coffee, Vae sees Penny's ring sitting on the sink beside the tap. She picks it up and examines it, realizing it's neither new looking nor old, modern nor antique. The smooth black appears to be onyx, the band most likely platinum. Biting her lip, Vae looks around for a safe place to put it instead of right beside a very industrial drain. Walking upstairs, she finds one of Penny's hair elastics, loops the ring through and then walks into the hallway where there are hooks for hats and scarves. She places on a hook closest to Penny's door before heading off to school.

   ~***~

You have 31 unread text messages .

Vae's heart sinks and begins to scroll through a lengthy one-sided conversation Penny seemed to have been having with herself while Vae was in class.

She reads the last one first, as one tends to do upon opening the chat.

  PigPen | 3:32p.m.

I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but please, PLEASE, just call me when you get this message. 

  PigPen | 3:30p.m.

/your room.

  PigPen | 3:28p.m.

I mean, I understand if that's what happened, but I just thought I should check in before I destroy this garburator by ripping it/the rest of the house apart trying to find it.

Vae autodials Penny before scrolling through the rest of the messages, and Penny answers in one ring.

"Pleasetellmeyouhaveseenmyring."

"It's on the hat hook closest to your room, on a hair elastic. You left it by the sink."

Vae listens to Penny scramble with the phone, up the stairs and an audible exhalation of relief before she returns to the call.

"I blame you for this." And Vae can sense there is some truth to her mocking yet biting tone.

"You're welcome." She returns in a sing-song voice, only to annoy Penny further. "Next-time, where would you like me to put it?"

"There shouldn't be a next time."

"Uh-huh."

.

MARCH

.

"Happy birthday!" Vae squeals, handing Penny a luxurious looking piece of chocolate cake with a single candle in it.

"You made this for me?" Penny inquires suspiciously.

"Of course!"

"How did you find out?"

"Through FaceFilm, that app keeps all your personal data. For someone so private I'm surprised you're even on it."

"It's for work... it helps with the investigating." 

"Right." Vae murmurs, watching as Penny continues to eye the cake. "One more year then your legal! Not that that's ever stopped you, did you know I thought you were like... twenty-two or something when I first met you? Aren't you going to make a wish?"

Penny closes her eyes and her lips tremble as though she's silently speaking the words so fiercely, they may erupt from her throat.

Then she opens them and quickly blows out the candle.

"What did you wish for?" Vae asks her, placing her own piece of cake down in front of her.

"More time." Penny murmurs before digging into the cake.

 ~***~

"Is that a sex swing?" Vaeh asks as she assesses Penny's room. 

"Can't it just be a swing Vae?" Penny doesn't seem to be too flustered by the question as she leans against the doorframe, her signature double buns replaced with a long raven ponytail, resting high on her head.

"Por qué no los dos?" Vae shrugs, jumping onto the bed as she flops into a sitting position. Their rooms are opposite one another, the bathroom they share between them, but after Vae passed the two-month mark, permission had been granted. It hasn't been easy, Penny was willing to compromise, and Vae laid tape down in areas of the living room where knives might fly past towards its target dummy at any given moment. Vaeh also has learned that Penny won't feed herself, but she gets hangry, making it easier to cook for her. Still, Penny is not without her virtues. 

"It's a gift from my stepmother. Besides, I'd have to be having sex for it to be both." She laments before flopping down beside her companion on the bed. 

Vaeh looks Penny up and down with an incredulous look, choosing whether to comment on the fact her stepmother gifted her a sex swing or, "You… have a hard time finding-" Vae wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, "Someone?" 

Penny smiles wistfully, "It's not like we're playing hide and seek Vae, but I don't make friends easily. It would require me to socialize with... people. And my upbringing while badass, was… complicated."

Vae has assumed that Penny came from money. The books, the clothes, the apartment. They eat and drink like broke students, but Nevaeh is acutely aware her roommate is taken care of in ways that she is not.

"So, what your saying is that ordinary people bore you?" Vae enquires.

"Yes? That sounds so petty." Penny whinges.

"Yeah, well, at least you're honest. Vae tells her, staring up at the ceiling. "Always."

"My sweet little bigot." It occurs to Vae that even though it is a 20-foot ceiling above them (the highest in the whole building, as they reside on the top floor), tiny greenish-yellow stickers are scattered in what she  thinks  might be constellation patterns. A sex swing was adequately bolted to the roof. Even with access to the right ladder, the project would have taken hours upon hours without some sort of divine intervention.

"My upbringing wasn't that badass," Vae murmurs.

"No, from the sound of things it wasn't."

"I'm no basic bitch though."

"Oh, I believe it." Penny laughs, "Otherwise, why would you live here with me?"

  .

MAY

 .

"Penny pleeeeease?" Vae begs; she is getting tired of dehydrated noodle cups and macaroni and cheese for supper.

"I said no Nevaeh." Penny sternly tells her, and Vaeh begins to pout. She crosses her arms over her chest and finds herself folding her legs underneath herself as she watches Penny continue to pick an outfit in the mirror.

"Come on, I seriously need your help. The Dior," and Penny holds up a black silk collared blouse, "Or this one, I think I got at H&M," and she shows her a heather grey cable knit that is similar in colour to the wool skirt she's got on. 

"Why should I help you get dressed for a fancy dinner that you get to go to, for free, when you won't even take me?"

"I take you for dinner on work ONE TIME."

"It was not one time." 

"I can't take you on every case."

"You're going to a fancier place?"

"No."

"Possibility you're coming home will blood all over you again?"

"... Hopefully not?"

"The black silk. It's from B.C.H."

And that's how Penny and Vaeh begin to categorize much of their life. There is now, and B.C.H. (Before CoHabitation), and as two people who don't have much or many, B.C.H. stuff doesn't work its way into everyday conversation frequently. Vaeh doesn't know what Penny used to do before they met, but now she spends her free nights walking Vaeh back from the corner market down the street from their loft. 

Vae's shift is over, she and Penny both with their free coffee in hand. They tend to talk about Vae's day more than Penny's, as Vae learned early into their friendship that Penny does not usually discuss much about her work as a private investigator. 

 .

JULY

 .

Tears are running down their faces as credits roll. They are lying in Penny's bed, where one of the two household televisions is located.

"Okay, breathe."

"Prometheus School of Running, oh my God," Vae chokes out, and Penny immediately shudders and rolls her eyes, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. 

"You okay?" Vae giggles, rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah, it's just, I have a weird reaction to hearing people take the lord's name in vain."

"Are you serious right now? You swear like a drunken sailor, on shore leave..."

"I don't think it's that bad." Penny counters.

"... In a brothel."

"Now you're just exaggerating."

"We are banned from that Macdonald's on 11th."

"Okay, but that eleven-year-old was a bully."

"You once used the word 'fuck' for every word in a sentence."

"Well that's my point exactly. Monty Python was not that far off in their assessment in the versatility of the word fuck."

"So is it that you believe in God?"

And Penny begins to laugh hysterically, bitterly almost. "You could, you could say that."

"Alright." Vaeh sighs her head, resting in her hand, taking in her weird, eccentric friend who has now established another parameter to their relationship.

"Alright?" Penny questions.

"Alright."

 .

AUGUST

.

Vaeh climbs the stairs to their fourth-floor loft, meeting with a delivery person leaving a note.

Penny's shouting can be heard on the other side of the door. 

"She not answering?" She asks.

"I knocked miss, and it's only her voice in there. I think she's on the phone."

Vae offers an apologetic smile. As she turns the keys and enters, she catches Penny's eyes, her shoulder pressed into her phone, giving her the ability to play with a knife, bright and silver (a personal favourite) in erratic short bursts.

"I don't give a flying fuck Linda, which, is rather apropos in this case, don't you think? He knows where I live; it's not like his name isn't on the deed."

Vae creates a peace sign towards Penny before turning the aforementioned fingers towards her eyes, then motioning across the room at Penny to force her attention.

"What?" And there is petulance in Penny's tone as she uses her free hand to hold her phone and give Vae her attention.

"You have registered mail." Vae whispers as if to try and give the caller and Penny privacy that has already been broken. 

"Just sign for me." Penny huffs, and then she's back on the phone. "What are you even talking about? "

Vae wants to tell her that this isn't how these things work. That the delivery person isn't going to allow Vae to sign for mail just that easily, but Penny is deeply invested in an argument once more, and the stranger at the door interrupts with a "Miss, can you can just sign x and type her name in."

"What?! " Penny clips out so pithy it sounds odd and catches Vae off guard. 

"How? WHY?" And Vaeh is now REALLY intrigued as she signs the package. Not many things can get Penny to use that many investigative words that closely in order, that she's now playing 'wh' word bingo in her mind.

"How long?" 

DOUBLE HOW! 

"I've been gone two years— "

Booo, you broke the chain after a double how? Boooooo...  Vae giggles internally as she closes the loft door, dumps the package on Penny's desk and slips her headphones on at her workstation.

Sometime later, after Vae has slipped her focus into the design she's creating, her head and shoulders bouncing as she plays with colour palettes, Penny crosses her field of vision. 

Vae slips the headphones off, "Hey roomie," she greets in a sing-song voice, "Who was that?"

She watches as Penny absent-mindedly fiddles with her ring. "My thera—  Linda."

"You have a thera-Linda too? Where do you keep yours?" Vae pantomimes looking around the apartment leerily before leaning in and whispering, "I keep mine in a drawer by my bed." 

"What?" Penny asks, caught off-guard.

"Exactly." Vae says and goes back to her monitor. Her shoulder-dance slowly begins once more even though she respects Penny enough to keep her headset off until she's done. 

"Linda was a family therapist and friend. She's like an aunt to me." 

"Ah, family problems." She murmurs as she watches Penny slip into the chair at her desk. 

"It's my stepdad. He's gone missing." 

Vae's attention is peaked now as she looks over at Penny, who is staring off into the middle distance. "Wow, are you okay?" 

"Yes," Penny's eyes go wide in realization. "Sorry, I should have explained. He does this from time to time. When my mom and he—   this one time." She looks at Vae with jaded eyes, seemingly confused as to what is holding her back.

"When I was little, he was known to bail when things got rough. When he and mom finally figured their literal prophetic shit out, he got better. He had his moments, but he genuinely tried. Now that my mom is gone. Well," Penny says, her eyes drifting down to the package that Vae had signed for. 

"I didn't know your mom was gone." Vae murmurs reaching over the desks and placing her hand on Penny's. 

"She is and she isn't. That's the worst part. She is and she isn't." Vae looks down at their hands and sees her thumb rubbing Penny's wrist. 

"So Lu—  Dad, Linda says he's not handling it well. Which, newsflash, no one is taking it well. But that's no reason to treat my stepmom and dad the way he has been, regardless of their previous problems. SPEAKING OF WHICH," Penny pivots, pulling her hand out and opening the package. 

"Let's see what the big-bad-momma-bear sent me this time." She takes one of the knives she uses as a letter opener, the sparkly handle painted bright.

No joy or recognition lights up Penny's face as she places the package down on her desk.

"What?" Vaeh asks, more interested than she ever has been with Penny's details about her life before their cohabitation.

Vae stands to look in the box and sees white, radiant feathers reflecting the light from the room back at them. There aren't many, only three, and they are covered in bright red dots of blood. 

"Say what you want about my parents," Vaeh finally speaks, her voice concerned, "but yours sound like the worst. "

  .

NOVEMBER

 .

Vae hears a clinking sound in the sink before she sees it, and her heart stops briefly as it casually rolls towards the garburator drain. Quickly, she snatches it out of the slow-motion moment she foresees it falling down towards a black abyss. 

Frustrated, she takes the ring and seeks vengeance on the woman who almost gave her a heart attack. 

She finds Penny in her room, a file named DROMOS, in her hand, GAUDIUM, MISC. LILLIM, CONSTANTINE on the bed. She's smoking and drinking, listening to piano-heavy dance music so loud that she couldn't hear Vae knocking on the door. 

"Penelope, I swear if I find this thing one more time—"

" I knew where it was." She tells her as she turns down the volume.

"It's no use to you down the drain!"

"It's no use to me period." Penny murmurs, and Vae feels a shriek almost bubbling within her, "just, take it, will you?!"

"I promise, no more hand washing."

 ~***~

"Are you not visiting anyone for Thanksgiving?" Vae enquires from the kitchen, the date looming closer and closer.

"No. Are you?" Penny asks, looking up from a case file she has sprawled out on her desk. Vaeh had answered the door at 7:30 a.m. this morning to receive it for her, forcing her signature since Penny was still fast asleep. As she has noticed before, it comes from Los Angeles. She had tossed it on her best friend's desk before hitting the button to the coffee machine and passing out on the couch while it brews, only to be woke by Penny a few hours after that.

"Canadian Thanksgiving is in October," Vaeh reminds her.

"Right. So you didn't, sorry." Penny murmurs, Vae dressed in pajama pants and a hoodie, shuffles over to her drafting table/computer desk hybrid that they set up on the opposite side of Penny's dark mahogany antique. She hands Penny a cup of coffee before flopping down into her chair.

"Kind of hard when they all live back west," Vae adds, reaching for her drawing tablet.

"Mmmm... mine too, at least those left." Penny adds as she opens her laptop.

Vae nods softly, files this extra information in the THINGS THAT EXPLAIN PENNY compartment of her mind.

.

DECEMBER 

.

The snow falls around them in puffy white clouds, a wind sending them sideways, enough of a nip to the air to have them be hustling back to their loft after dinner with some of Vae's classmates. Penny is still going on about the impending holidays.

"If neither of us see no point— "

"Can't afford." Vae interjects. 

"Oh so you're saying that if I paid for you, you would head back for the holidays then?"

"With your family, sure." Vae replies illusively. 

"No... that wasn't part of the question."

"Then what is our actual plan," Penny begins again, "because I cannot have dinner with your friends Rose and David twice in one month." 

"They have been the worst since they started listening to that new podcast. Sometimes they play it so loud when we are in the studios at school, I can't hear the instructor. I'm not," and Vae makes an awkward motion with her arms, "built to receive that much stimuli." 

"Do you even hear yourself sometimes?" Penny turns to Vae, her breath coming out in steam as they try to fight the cold. 

"Please, coming from the one with a sex swing in her room." 

"It's not used for sex!" Penny huffs, shoving her hands deeper into her pockets.

"Are you telling me you actually swing in it... just because?"

"Are you telling me you wouldn't?" 

"Pffft... I dunno." Vae begins, looking over at a heavily bundled up Penny, dark eyes peering out, "Christmas movie Marathon? But I mean, entertaining Christmas movies. Die Hard, Krampus, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Nightmare Before Christmas— "

"Gremlins?" Penny asks, hopefully.

 "Do you even have to ask?" Vae retorts. "Do you want to watch Zuzu's Petals?" 

"Is that the remake of It's a Wonderful Life?" Penny hesitantly asks.

"I don't know, I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life." They continue their trek towards their loft, the snow gently falling above them before Penny clears her throat.

"Look, I've been meaning to talk to you about something important— "

"Oh Pen, I thought I told you friends don't ask friends to come to their improve shows. "

"No! That's not what this is about, although it really hurts you won't even try. "

"What is this about then?"

"A couple of months ago when we had our Alien marathon— "

"— and I said oh my God and you got hella weird?"

"I did not get hella weird."

"You got sooooo weird. It was visceral! I watched you shudder."

"Do you believe in God?" Penny plows ahead; they're almost to their building. 

"What?" Vae is surprised by the line of questioning, "Why?" 

"I don't know, it just struck me. I never thought about your feelings or thought to ask. I just did kind of what I watched mostly everyone around me my entire life do and focus on my own feelings before realizing I should consider yours." She holds open the door for Vae, and they begin the climb up the stairs.

"No. Sort of? As an artist I've dabbled with the lore of Judeo-Christian theology but like, it's all stories to me. I think I'm agnostic."

"I think it's reasonable to want proof." Penny mutters. 

"Well if I was one for needing proof, I would have given up believing you were a P.I. months ago."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing! Nothing..." and Vae rolls her eyes towards the heavens before smirking a carefree grin at her. "I mean all those files you could just be a very thorough stalker."

"Stalking is essential to the job yes." Penny agrees before unlocking their front door and letting Vae through before walking through herself.

"And I imagine so are the arts, but that doesn't seem to inspire you to invite me along."

"The Arts?"

"Yeah like, sketching a suspect, or taking photographs. You know I covet your camera, and when I asked you about ISO and aperture, I could have sworn I saw you drool."

"Maybe I could use help with the camera."

"Maybe I could help you with the camera." 

    Hours later, when they are both in sleep clothes and are sitting on the couch, finishing their tasks for the night before heading to bed, Penny signals to Vae she wants to talk to her. Vae puts her pencil down and pulls her headphones off.

"I was wondering if you wanted to come with me on a job."

"Saywhat?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to come with me on a j—"

"Okay, so you said what I thought I heard you say. When? Why?"

"Or forget it, you can stay here."

Vaeh throws a pillow at Penny's head, which Penny spears with her knife reflexively. She pulls the knife out and puts the pillow behind her back as though it were entirely natural behaviour.

"Just a few questions, how good are you at drawing someone from memory?"

 ~***~

The P.I. and the Artist are at a frat party, scoping the crowd. Vae has her arm looped through Penny's, sipping from a solo cup that Penny had procured for her when they entered. They tend to stay tethered together in situations like this, but Vae is barely focusing on Penny's conversation, and some frat dudes are having. If she must draw any of these faces later, she knows she needs to study their features, read their eyes, soak up the details. 

"I'm a private investigator," Penny yells above the music's obnoxious noise to the guy in front of her, her leather jacket groaning with her movements.

Vae's is in the backpack that she brought, containing her pencils and sketchbook; their winter-wear is also stored there. Vae imagines she must look like a hunchback currently, and two men have offered to take it for her, but she'd like to be able to leave at a moments notice and get home without freezing to death, so instead, she continues to look like a clinging humped sidekick to her attractive best friend.

"Oh yeah, so like… do you catch people cheating and shit?" the guys all laugh nervously. Two dude’s high-five as Vae rolls her eyes and continues to nurse her drink. One of the frat bro's winks at her. The party has a strict rule on no phones and even had checked the two of them at the door. Vae's been to parties with no phones before done to encourage people to mingle, but this must be one of her the most boring places she's ever endured it. 

"Cheating and shit is below my paygrade." Penny informs him. Vaeh hyper focuses on this part of the conversation while pretending to be caught in the song. She doesn't know much about many of Penny's cases, but she can agree that seems to be out of Penny's wheelhouse. 

"So, what then?"

"Bounty reconnaissance, sometimes enforcement." Penny adds an eerie smile on her face, her eyes flash darkly, and she looks the most intimidating she has since Vae first met her.

Vaeh is confused at her sudden mood shift until—

"So, if you don't remove your hand," Penny's voice drips cold, "you'll see what kind of enforcement I'm capable of."

 ~***~

"How much longer?" 

Penny narrows her eyes as she continues to look for her target. The bros and the dudes are all high fiving each other loudly while a bunch of partnered sorority girls giggle in a corner. 

"Trust me, this is not how I want us to spend our Friday night." Penny smiles at her briefly. 

"As long as we don't get assaulted—"

"— again."

"— assaulted again. Or roofied. Or both in that unfortunate order." Vae murmurs.

"I figured we would do some reconnaissance for an hour top. If the bounty appears you get a good look, treat you to free drinks, then we can do whatever you want. If you want to go home and get drunk off box wine and binge watch horror films, you just say the word and I'll spend a whole twenty on the booze."

"Penny Espinoza we don't need four boxes of cheap wine."

"Two each?"

"You do you, but I'll stick to one. My final assignments are due in a week."

They both fall silent for a few minutes, each getting lost in their thoughts.

"You said you enforce bounties." Vaeh starts, "Is that what all the knives are for?"

"Not always," Penny answers illusively.   

Penny's eyes fall on the stairs as a frat-bro begins a drunken stagger down the stairwell, and she notices his pallor colour and blood flowing from his left ear.   

"Wait here."  

Vaeh scrunches her face at her roommate, and "What, wait? Why would I wait, I have to see his face if I'm going to draw him."  

Penny continues to follow the possible dead frat-dude as he makes his way to the frat house door and slips out into the night. As she slips between the partygoers, Penny's one hand reaches for the door handle as the other slides behind her back for her blade.   

There are still too many people around in the front yard, but the drunken dead dude (triple D?) is down the sidewalk and heading into the park.  

"Go home, Vaeh." Penny calls out, "The scope of this assignment has changed entirely."  

"You can't just ask me to come with you on a job then tell me to go home, essentially leaving me stranded forty blocks away from it in this Den of Rohypnol." Vaeh catches her and grabs her arm.   

"I doubt that you're at risk." Penny scoffs.  

Vaeh winces, her feelings hurt as she takes a step backwards from her friend. "Wow. Nice Penelope. Real nice."  Vaeh had already removed the winter attire from her backpack and throws Penny her gloves watching as Penny catches them gracefully. She drops the bag as she slips on her peacoat.  

"I don't have time for this!" Penny finds herself begging.   

"Then let's go." Vae holds out her hand in a gesture that indicates that Penny should lead the way.    

Penny growls in frustration and stomps off ahead of Nevaeh, shoving her hands deep into her leather jacket. Vaeh exhales shakily and picks up the bag, placing it on her back before doing the same with her own hands.   

The shorter of the two watches her friend speed walk ahead, trying to make up the difference, but the triple D hasn't managed to get very far away from them.   

She shakes her head and looks down at her feet, leaving imprints in the snow.  

Vae hears it before seeing it; it sounds like a strong wind whooshing around her head, her curls getting caught behind her glasses. When she manages to pull them out of her face and looks up, she stops in her tracks.   

[ivory-haired-queens-blog]

Unpopular Opinions: Fandom Edition

Hey none of you asked but I’m here to deliver so here are some unpopular opinions for the fandoms I’m in. Spoilers, duh.

Marvel:

I don’t like Natasha. Or Steve.

Pepper Potts is a top.

As much as I love Loki, his death was nessicary in Infinity War.

Steve should have killed Bucky in Civil War. He was a threat, plain and simple.

I ship Ironstrange/Supremefamily.

Clint should have died in Infinity War.

I love Tony Stark with my whole heart. (Not an unpopular opinion but you needed to know that)

I’m not happy with the end of Endgame.

10 years in the making....for you to do Thor like that?

Not because he’s fat or because he’s dealing with trauma, that’s totally acceptable.

What’s not acceptable is them making Thor into the butt of the joke because he’s fat.

I love the Antman movies.

I’m totally not biased because I loved lost.

(I’m kinda biased)

Shuri is the best Marvel character and would beat Tony Stark in a battle of wits.

(I’m so gay I love her.)

With as many years as Marvel has had the MCU, I am disgusted at the lack of diversity within the movies.

Like it’s 2019 and we JUST got a female empowerment scene in Endgame.

Like I want a gay superhero.

(We have a disabled one thank god. Love you Stephen.)

And don’t give me that Valkyrie/Captain Marvel BS because they never blatantly stated or showed it in their movies.

I want an Asian superhero bitch.

A superhero who is Muslim/Islam/and religion besides Christian.

I think that, as much as I hate Natasha and Steve, they should have been the ones that Bruce first sees in Infinity War. I know it set up the whole “earth is closed today” sequence but it didn’t make sense and was OOC.

I love Stephen Strange and he’s never done a single thing wrong ever in his life I would die for this man.

I like MCU Peter Parker over the origional movie Spider-Man.

Fight me.

I also like the Tony Stark/Peter Parker better than the Uncle Ben/Peter Parker so @ me.

The 100

I don’t ship Bellarke that hard.

Like yes, I think they’re obviously being groomed to end up together. I know the show runners will make them official before the end of the series. I’m not mad about that, I just don’t really care to be honest. It’s like, too obvious.

But there are some cute bellarke scenes

What they did to Monty was bullshit but what they did to Jasper was worse.

I feel no guilt whatsoever in saying that I think that killing all of Mount Weather was what they should have done from the beginning.

Yes, even the kids. Because if you kill their leaders, the men and women will fight back. The colony would have been left with a handful of adults, and a bunch of kids if the origional plan had worked. This is doomed to fail and honestly just killing them all would be better than seeing them kill eachother for food, power, whatever. If that makes sense.

I think that Finn deserved to die.

I think that Murphey deserves the world.

Charlotte fucking killed Wells. Yes she’s young but she knows better than to kill someone. Maybe not kill her, but we all know that Clarke wouldn’t have banished her like she did Murphey. Clarke has a gender bias because Murphey didn’t do anything and she wouldn’t have punished Charlotte as hard because she’s a young girl. I rest my case

Even though what he did was bad and wrong, I don’t think Murphey should have been banished. He’s right. They were all compliant and even excited when he was being hung, but when it’s a little girl all bets are off.

Like Bellamy brought the whole hostage thing upon himself because he fucking tied a noose around Murphey’s throat.

Again, not that what Murphey did was right. He didn’t have to act like that. Jasper didn’t do anything to him.

Also this segment is getting long but the show writers and everyone else just casually forgot that Murphey was TORTURED? Hello? Are we not going to acknowledge that?

I shipped Clexa with my whole heart.

Another actually popular opinion: what they’ve done to Raven’s character this season is bullshit. Her only role is Abby’s moral compass. This is the same girl who shuttled to earth in a Tin Can. She’s better than this.

What the fuck??? Happened to??? Jordan???

Like Madi stabbed him

And then they proceeded to not talk about it for like four episodes and then casually mention it in passing like “oh he saved Pria that means he gets to live”

Like they set up his character to be really important this season.

But he’s not.

I think that Murphey/Emori is the best ship.

I also think that Either Murphey or Emori or Both are secretly double crossing the Primes. (This comes out before the finale of season six)

They didn’t have to do Onyia like that

The opening of season three is so weak that I actually stopped watching the show around that time (I’d been watching since the beginning of season two) because there’s just nothing there in the first like 10 minutes and I couldn’t do it.

Maybe I’m just impatient but it’s bad.

I think that Octavia did the best that she could with what she had available and I think that’s she’s not a bad person for what she did with the fighting pits/cannabalism. And I know that if Bellamy had been in her place, he would have eventually done the same.

Kane was a whiny bitch in season 5.

Why’d the kill Diyoza(I can’t spell) like that?

I liked Joesephine. It was really fun to see Eliza Taylor be able to get a new character in the show. Also props to her for that last episode with pretending to be Joesephine and being Clarke at the same time.

I called the dude being Gabriel from the first time I saw him you peasants.

Octavia’s redemption arc this season is beautiful.

They did....that.....to Kane. I’m angerey.

Lost In space

Not enough people watch this show. (The Netflix remake or the origional)

Seriously guys it’s a good show.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with it.

I love Don West with my whole heart.

I love Dr. Smith with my half heart.

I love the robot with my two hearts.

I love Penny Robinson with all the stars in the galaxy.

I love all of them okay.

There are no plot holes, no inconsistencies, no faulty science and anyone who says (or proves) otherwise is wrong.

It’s confirmed for a season two which should air in like the December-February time area.

It’s a Netflix show so you can binge the entire season in like a weekend.

Seriously watch it.

The Umbrella Academy

Five x Delores is weird.

Luther x Allison is illegal.

Klaus deserves all the push pops in the world.

The handler is hot.

The Comission killed Dave.

Luther is the most boring, Unorigional, straight white guy character I’ve seen in a long time. I hate him so much.

Allison is a queen but her character is brought down by her weird relationship with her brother.

Tbh if I was Allison you know I’d be telling my kids that I heard a rumor that theyd go the fuck to sleep. Like that’s a good thing. Idk maybe I’m just a sociopath.

Istanbul not Constantinople being played over a scene where five murders a squad of Commission people is the greatest cinematic masterpiece ever conceived by man.

“Where are you going” “to save the world” “oh is that all?” Iconic.

None of these are really unpopular but the show writers seem to think differently.

Diego has never done anything wrong in his life like yaaaasss bitch kill your brother at yo daddy’s funeral!!! Work!!!

PaTcH

AAaAHh

Big Theif - Mary is the perfect song to play over Klaus returning from Vietnam.

Will you love me, like you loved me in the January rain?

It’s up there with Goodbye July.

Speaking of Goodbye July....

Z Nation

Many people haven’t watched it

It’s like if The Walking Dead and Zombieland had a baby....and then the baby did a line of cocaine.

It’s wild.

Watching Garnet die ruined every sliver of hope I had in humanity.

I have a special place in my heart for this show because it’s the first show that me and my mom would stay up and watch the new episodes air every Friday. It brought us closer and I can’t thank the cast and show runners enough for this.

So maybe I’m biased, but you should watch it.

Having Murphey switch from being an anti-hero to a villain back to an anti-hero and then to a regular hero, amazing. Astonishing. The peak of human existence.

Even though he’s not entirely human.

What color is Murphey today? Is he pale, discolored, grey, blue, red? We don’t know!

Roberta Warren is the Black Goddess main protagonist that we deserve.

Addison Carver is a functional Bi.

10k is tragic backstory central but other than that, his character development is pretty lacking other than him persuing love interests.

None of these are really unpopular opinions but I doubt any of you have watched the show. It’s on Netflix. Watch it.

Oooooohhhhh George.

Georgia St. Clair could stomp me to death and my ghost would still want to fuck her.

Anyways I’m gay

God damn I have a lot of pent up Gay energy.

Murphey and Lucy have a realistic enstranged father/daughter relationship and it’s heartwarming.

And then they killed her off to save him.

Honestly if you name a character Murphey they can only be assholish bad boys with a good heart deep down sorry I don’t make the rules.

Also if you name a character Murphey I will love them with my whole soul.

I’m so mad they cancelled the show.

I’m infinitely more mad that they named that disgrace of a show Black Summer and claimed that it was a prequel....but it didn’t follow the same cast and had they not advertised it as a prequel I would never have guessed.

Black Summer gives totally opposite vibes than Z Nation does. I get that black summer is supposed to be the worst time that the zombie apocalypse ever had, with cannibals and no food, but it feels like s completely different show.

It’s like if The Walking Dead claimed that it is a prequel/occurs during Shaun of the Dead.

Like....no. They’re....no.

Anyway watch it it’s good.

Detroit: Become Human

Connor isn’t the best character.

This is an unpopular opinion post deal with it.

Markus has to be my favorite.

Honestly this game is so good and not even just graphics-wise.

It’s the same robotic sentience story we’ve been fed for years, but this time it’s from the Android’s perspective and this time all they want is to be free. That’s it.

I fucking hate North.

Hank is literally if Rick from Rick and Morty were serious.

The only correct way to play Connor is to walk the thin line between deviant and regular A.I. Without leaving out Hank. The correct thing to do is make Conner deviant at Jericho.

The only correct way to play Kara is to protect Alice with every fiber of your being. Meanwhile, get close to her. Do not get caught, even if that means dissappointing her.

The only correct way to play Markus is to lead a peaceful revolution. Also tell North to fuck off.

The border patrol guy who either gets Kara and Alice caught or knowingly lets Androids cross the border is the best character. Forget about Markus, this guy sees either “oh fuck androids are killing people, maybe we shouldn’t let this one cross the border” or “Androids just want to be free and are peacefully fighting for this. Let this one and her daughter through.” I love him.

LUTHER.

YES DADDY.

anyway.

Let Out The Bear He Just Wants To Say Hi :)

Even though I think Conner is overrated by the fandom, I do like him.

But he’s not a pure innocent cinnamon roll either.

It depends on how you play, but he has really violent options so stop the “He wouldn’t harm a fly” attitude.

But he is cute.

The home screen for the game is revolutionary (no pun intended) and I hope future game follow suit in making the first impression of the game something cool.

Stealing clothes/money/the fence cutters is literally okay.

Also if you put Kara in white hair you can die.

If in your first actual play through you got the Kara lives at the recycling plant ending but Alice dies, you can die too.

I’ve never actually seen the steal money and go to motel option play out because it’s stupid, especially if you don’t steal clothes. Like that’s begging to be caught.

Stranger things

Billy Hargrove is bad and just because he’s abused does not make what he does okay.

Harringrove is gross and I’m gay so my opinion counts as double.

That being said, there are some really cute fics about Harringrove and I can see the appeal of “good boy falls for mysterious bad boy with a dark past and trauma”

I’ve said I’m gay this whole post because I say it a lot, but I don’t like actually labeling myself but I like girls and boys and everything in between and I say I’m gay kinda as a joke when girls are hot.

That being said...

Steve Harrington calling himself Daddy made me feel things.

Strange things.

Haha get it I’m making a joke to distract you from the daddy part.

Steve Harrington is a good person now, but he was still an asshole before and he can still be criticized for his past.

I used to be hardcore Jancy but after season three I feel like Nancy needs and deserves a break from boys so she can figure out herself and who she is now and what she wants to do without the weight of boys and boyfriends constantly around her.

That being said i still don’t like Nancy because she was flirting/slept in the same bed with Jonathan whilst obviously having feelings for him while she and Steve were still a thing. It’s not cheating but to me it’s close enough to raise red flags.

Robin is perfect in every way.

I don’t like Jonathan. He’s creepy in s1, fine in s2, but then is s3 he doesn’t do anything to or about his male bosses when Nancy is being made fun of because she’s a woman.

Seeing Nancy’s class priveledge/Jonathan’s male priveledge clashing was so cool tbh

Elmax > Mileven > Lumax

Jim Hopper, with all his faults, is still a caring dad.

Plus him threatening Mike made me laugh so hard sksksksks

Steve Harrington deserves the world and then some.

Low key I really want s4 to give in insight on his family life.

I also want him to get an apartment with Robin.

Robins cute tbh but for half the season I though she was a Russian spy. I guess I was wrong.

Mrs. Wheeler shouldn’t sleep with billy (not that she can now) because it’s wrong, but the reason she wanted to is because her husband is so boring and she gave up on her dreams to be his perfect housewife. She wanted a challenge with Billy. Instead, she should leave her pushover of a husband and find someone better.

Anyway Steve Harrington deserves the world.

Yeah okay hate me whatever.

[matildastuartsold]

hshq task twelve: a timeline

it reads as a semi lil self para’s and part news report...bc i didn’t wanna self para as a 3 year old. tw: abortion, implied drug used, mentions of underage, mentions of age differences, image issues, pregnancy, mentions of possible grooming, body image issues, possible signs of bulimia, 

december 19th, 1997

for the third time in the last four, almost five years, the town crier of edinburgh stood just inside the gates of holyrood announcing the birth of a third princess, named matilda. 

june 18th, 2001

at three years old, princess matilda made her first public appearance with her family at the royal highland show. the littlest princess made her appearance well known running off excitedly with yells of “maude-y!” following her, showing off her cartwheeling skills, and waving at everyone who looked especially those with a camera. 

november 30th, 2005 

she doesn’t know a life without the media and having to parade around them. like today, skipping through st. andrew’s day activities some of her earliest memories surrounded people with cameras desperately clicking and yelling the names of her mum and dad, her sisters and her. matilda liked it though, she could simply become the only name they yelled with a simple smile or a wave. she liked it, but she was tired of being called matilda. she didn’t want to be called matilda, she wanted to be called tilly, like her friends all called her. it’s why she turned around with a frown at the reporter who yelled matilda. “i’m not matilda! my name is tilly!” crossing her arms across her chest, she stuck her tongue out annoyed at the her full name. even with her mother and father’s scold of “matilda!” and her tilly let her father scoop her up in his arms making a face at the paparazzi as she was carried away. 

january 4th, 2010

“but i don’t want to go to gordonstoun!” not that even mattered, ever since her mother became a queen last year it was never even worth putting in her own thoughts, not that it ever had been. now though it was going against the queen, not just her mum.  tilly just didn’t want to go to gordonstoun with her sisters. it seemed so boring. still the press release was already out, trunks already in her room ready to be back. “if i have to go someone will regret it!” 

september 19th, 2011

crushes were nice, all the boys in her year, the year above her, some even in margot’s year paying her attention, she’d be dumb if she didn’t enjoy it. so what if she kept sneaking out with them to smoke cigarettes and drink beers on the roof. she likes the attention from it. what was the school going to do? make her do laps? please, she wouldn’t do it and they couldn’t make her. so she found herself giggling at whatever connaugh mcdaniels was saying and took the sip of beer he was offering, because all eyes were on her in a way that they hadn’t been before.

april 31st, 2013

“i’m the fucking may queen!” throwing her head back in laughter, tilly twirled around the flower crown a top her head never moving. sneaking out to go to beltane, was the smartest decision she’d made in a while. falling back against her favorite duke to be she’d been going almost all the way with frequently, she took the flask from her best friend, georgia, taking a far too long sip of the vodka. she was happily drunk, feeling the brisk spring air on the hill hit her. she didn’t care about the obvious presence from people taking pictures of them. it didn’t matter she was drunk and determined for her goal of the night, losing the v card. “richard,” she smirked up at him. “we should head back to the tent, your may queen demands it.” letting out a giggle she moved back going for another twirl as she reached for his hand.

july 27th, 2014

she still doesn’t understand what the big deal is, her mother pacing back and forth going on and on about propriety. catherine looking like a mirror of her mother’s upset. her father’s disappointment. “i’m sixteen, just because i’m under this bloody crown doesn’t mean i’m not gonna go out and have fun!” her eyes glanced at the various magazine and newspaper headlines in front of her. she doesn’t see the issue with it, minus the invasion of privacy, in the picture she’s just pressed against the wall making out with one of her guy friends. she’s hearing the words come from everyone’s mouths but she’s not listening. just blankly sitting there. 

february 3rd, 2015

“you’re what?! tilly you can’t sleep with your math tutor!” tilly turned at the exclamation from her friend, a look of confusion on her face. “why not? i need to pass and he apparently wants to fuck a princess it’s a win win! besides he’s not that old i doubt he’s even thirty.” besides it was better than any of the guys in their class asking to lose it with her. at least it would be good and she’d pass. she didn’t see an issue. plus it felt good to be wanted, to have someone want her and not want her to be like her sisters. who cared if he was a married man approaching his 30s? he wanted her. 

september 10th, 2015

she woke up on her bathroom floor in just the lingerie she wore under her dress before going out. not that she cared after all, she’d probs look skinnier from throwing up all the drinks from the night before. she brushed her teeth, throwing her hair into a ponytail. Wiping off the remnants of her make up from the night before she looked on at the stranger in her bed. “get out before a walk of shame is too embarrassing, for your own well being.” Watching the man leave she shook her head curling into bed ignoring her phone continue to blow up again and again, no doubt people seeing pictures of the night before. 

may 4th, 2016

“fuck! jesus fucking christ i look awful!” seeing the press release photo on the cover of the magazine sitting in front of her on the table, she picked it up and tossed it straight towards the trash can. looking back at her partner for her textile project, she gave her a look. another example of her being the worst of the family.  “tell me why you thought bringing a tabloid where i look awful in would really make a good study environment?” shaking her head, she picked up her phone seeing who could come over tonight, she might be able to convince richard to get on a flight. she’d slept with arthur a few times maybe him? there were more than a few posh boys at oxford she’d met on her visits. shaking her head she motioned at the fabric she brought. “they’re all recycled, should work for what we need.” 

january 3rd, 2017

"matilda herietta annabelle stuart how could you be so wildly irresponsible?!” her mother is screaming, her father looks disappointed. she knows she fucked up because it’s just the two of them. having her parents attention on just her, she could probably count the times that’s happened on just one hand alone. she doesn’t regret flashing the paparazzi though, the magazines printed with trainwreck tilly subtle covering where she’d lifted her top, but it was still obvious she had. “i was drunk, it was hogamany, i must have been black out by that point.” she knew it didn’t matter, watching her mother go into another rant. still, it felt nice for once to be the only person that mattered to her parents. 

 october 31st, 2017

she was didn’t know where she was really not that it mattered. she went up to oxford to party with the posh guys and all her. you could barely call the white lingerie she wore an angel costume, something she thought would an irony. she probably mixed too many liquors and too many drugs together. still she reaches for the hand of the guy she’s leaning on pulls him to a door, hoping one will be a bathroom or a bedroom. with her luck she’ll see what happened tonight on twitter in the morning. 

august 7th, 2018

they told her to be on her best behavior, that she’s technically working edinburgh fringe festival. still she thinks she’s doing a charitable deed. she’s buying these poor struggling actors alcohol and then getting into drinking contests with them. it’s all rather sensible if you ask her. she’s doing a charity besides it feels good being the center of attention. she’s sitting on the actual bar, a rather attractive actor from some play or some shit she watched today has his hand on her thigh. why would she do anything else? 

september 7th, 2019

she knew that the braemar gathering was a big deal, she’d been to it almost every year of her life. still it didn’t mean she wasn’t bored as hell after a day of it, it’s why she’d pulled richard aside at the noble dinner at balmoral later that evening. her own personal playground as a kid, she knew exactly which cupboard to push him in. it would have been so much nicer if her mother’s fucking cheif of staff hadn’t opened the door when she was on her knees. the yelling wasn’t even bad, it was the punishment. her life being packed into suitcases around her as she sat on her bed back in edinburgh 24 hours later. no what hurt the most was her mother’s last words to her before she got on the plane to dubai, “i wonder if you’ll ever stop disappointing me.”

december 23rd, 2019

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me?! happy birthday, happy christmas, we’re marrying you off to the crown prince of venezuela! how could you do this to me mum? catherine just said-” she doesn’t think she’s ever been more furious in her life. opening the bottle of vodka and lining up the cocaine she said on her. “you know what i don’t care if i was drunkenly with him once, mother it doesn’t mean i want to fucking marry him! you’re ruining my life! forgive me, your majesty. i won’t forget from now on i’m your subject, not your daughter. have a happy christmas, goodbye.” she threw the phone, then threw a shot back looking at the lines she set up. “lola!” she screamed walking towards her suitcase. “i want to look sluttier than a prostitute whose rent is due tomorrow, a christmas present to my mother given my engagement. i don’t want to remember tonight.” 

janurary 21st, 2020

she knew for days, something was wrong. she wasn’t how she always was, then she got sick, consistently, three mornings in a row. sitting staring at the line of positive pregnancy tests that were in her bathroom sink she looked at cora rubbing her back comfortingly. “i need to call or text or- there are only two people i don’t make wear a condom and i haven’t slept with richard since september.” grabbing her phone she  sent a quick ‘come over now’ text. and threw her phone towards the bed. “burn the tests tonight, get them out of her, taking them to the fucking mcdonalds to throw them away if you have to. they aren’t gonna be anywhere near me though, it can not ruin everything. my mother already hates my existance, she’d send me to the fucking gallows if i ruined her one chance at getting rid of me. not a word of this to her spy either or catherine.” 

janurary 24th, 2020

it was cold and she was crying. laying on the chair in the doctor’s office, she held onto cora’s hand like it was her only way of living and she felt so much relief knowing that if she needed it neil would carry her out of the building. “i know, i’m not the model catholic or really any religion, but i still feel wrong, i feel guilty. i don’t know what else to do though.” so she cried, letting her communications advisor and his wife comfort her like they were her parents. sometimes they feel more like parents than her own. when the doctor comes in, tells her its going to pinch and might be uncomfortable, she lets cora distract her with stories of her and neil when they started dating. while she doen’t need him to carry her out, she leans on them both the whole way to car, letting herself come to terms that she wasn’t pregnant anymore. 

march 9th, 2020

“félix, i’m going to get fucking wasted at the beach,” she wasn’t sure when she got fucking domestic. she lives with her fiancé, they share a bed, fucking wedding magazines are sent to her. it feels like she’s in a snow globe. one where she barely recognizes who she is. she still looks in the mirror and remembers that if things had been different her stomach would probably have a bump now, not be the flat as it is. so instead, she’s taken to more day drinking, trying not to think about the thing only 6 people in the world know about and why it makes her feel so empty.

[bhunene]

the gift of writing; a return to this blog

I have not written since the beginning of the year, and it shows. After a few months of intense writer’s block, I am back, and so is my ability to write.

So, what happened?

At the beginning of winter quarter (which started in January), there were two major assignments that I needed to finish: I needed to write my personal testimony that I was going to deliver at a church retreat and I needed to write my honors thesis. Back then, I cracked my knuckles and smirked, thinking, “This should be no problem. I’ve written a million papers for school. I delivered a testimony in spring of last year. This should be fine.” I sat down and started to work on both of these assignments. The beginning was alright.

And then it wasn’t.

Why, you might ask? Because I could feel the gift and grace of writing leave me the instant I started to write.

Maybe some of you are like me. Of all the creative things that I loved to do as a young girl, writing was always my favorite hobby. It also ended up becoming my most cultivated craft. Throughout all of my life, I would write down everything that came to my mind. As a young woman now, I write every single day, whether for class, for my own purposes (like journaling), or even for others through social media. When I write, there is a sense of ease. Before the last three months, I had never really struggled with getting my thoughts across paper. As soon as a thought sprung up, it was on paper (or on a screen; either way, things were recorded).

Then January fell apart. Between a million different personal problems that appeared, like the sharp nosedive in my mental health and bracing the dead of winter in gray, cold Seattle, I started to feel more and more rundown. In the past, I would turn towards writing down things to help me recover. But for some reason, I couldn’t express myself anymore. I could feel all of these different ideas and emotions in my mind and my heart, but they didn’t appear on paper. Every single time I tried to record whatever it was I was experiencing, I couldn’t. I simply could not find the right words to say.

This feeling of sudden emptiness freaked me out, to say the very least. It was destructive in a way. This crutch that I always had was suddenly... gone. I couldn’t rely on even the most basic of my coping mechanisms. I had no way of writing my book, writing my favorite creative ideas, or writing anything long-winded and beautiful anymore. I could write the very basics of my thoughts, but even then, the things I wrote came off as cryptic and unintelligible, even to me. I go back to my past journal entries and frankly, they make little sense.

The worst thing was that I didn’t know why this was happening to me. I wasn’t sure why I was experiencing a loss like this in my life, especially when everything was beginning to crumble in my life. January and February were months full of exams, deadlines, weekends crammed with a million different things to do, people to meet, appearances to make, and smiles to force. How could I possibly go on without this gift of mine?

The question was legitimate, but so was the answer.

At the beginning of this month, I started realizing just how much writing became a crutch for me. It’s true that it is a gift that is meant to be shared with the world, whether through posts like these, my academic writing, or whatever. But I was so in love with the gift that I did not appreciate the Giver, or the act of giving behind it all. Thus, my ability was, at least for some time, taken from me, perhaps to get me to pay attention to the person who actually mattered: God. 

God doesn’t desire for us to suffer. But, occasionally, when we are exceptionally selfish--as I was in January and February--He does reserve the right to take things from us, only to make us realize our mistakes. He gives it back, of course. In some ways, I was using writing as a very selfish means to boost my own pride or help my own ego. There were some hurtful words that shouldn’t have been expressed, but I wrote anyway. I cast people in a negative light to try to justify the way that I was feeling. Even though I never published these, I could tell that I was harming myself with all the negative, toxic writing. I stopped writing letters to the people I love dearly. I took my gift for granted by assuming that my assignments would be easy, even though they required diligence, hard work, and effort. To put it simply, I did not use the gift well, and that required me to evaluate what it means to use gifts properly.

I took it to prayer (as one should with hardships in life) and apologized, knowing that I wasn’t being very kind to anyone with the words that I was using. I have tried to detach myself from using writing as the only means that I can to cope. The reality is that there are a lot of other ways besides this that I can do to help: I have family and friends who should know when I’m going through a difficult time. I have a therapist that I talk to about my problems. I don’t have to hide behind manuscripts and letters. The sad truth about writing is that I’ve often used it as a way to feed my self-isolation, which I can’t do anymore. I genuinely think God is asking me to be more open with others, even though that absolutely terrifies me, because there are bigger things in my life than me.

Yes. The hard thing to do. Sigh.

...

It’s March now, and I’m sitting at my mom’s, writing this blog post after some random spurt of inspiration came about (in the shower, of all places). How am I going to use my gift properly? Well, I restarted this blog for the purpose of sharing positivity and joy. We find ourselves in the midst of an incredibly difficult Lent, full of sacrifices and worries. But I believe in joy. And finally, there are words that express the joys I’m experiencing.

You can expect a jump in posts from this blog, both original and reblogged, as I try to get my momentum back again. :) My goal is to be more honest, more transparent with all the things happening in my life.

Here’s to fair winds and following seas. And more writing.

-rai

[mercurysnitch]

You Make My Dreams Come True (One Magnificent Year)

Summary: The year Joe and Reader got married turned out to be a very big one for their family.

A/N: It’s finally here! The “bonus chapter” is finally done, and it only took three and a half months 😆 (life got in the way for a while there, it wasn’t supposed to take quite this long). I am so so pleased to finally be sharing it with you (I hope it lives up to all the anticipation). Now that you can see how long this is you’ll understand why I thought including these events would have dragged out the main story too much 🤣. For reference, this starts soon after the climax of part 6 (Reader and Joe getting engaged) and goes on from there.

Some disclaimers: I should have mentioned in Part 6 that I’ve never been to the USA so all parts in New York are based on what I’ve picked up from watching many many movies and TV shows set there. Sorry if anything’s horribly inaccurate, I tried to be at least somewhat realistic. This story features an overseas wedding being planned in only three months, which seemed feasible to me, but I’ve never planned a wedding so I might have been a bit optimistic there. I’ve never been pregnant or had children so all of that stuff is based on research. I think it’s mostly realistic, but some of it might not be completely accurate for twins/preemies, so sorry in advance. Also I think I might have outed myself as an old school music fan with some of the songs mentioned in here.

Because this is the story of a single year, it’s broken into months with little timeskips between sections. The months are all different lengths, so hopefully it’s not too choppy. I feel like it rambles a bit towards the end, but I think overall it works.

As always, please forgive any typos I may have missed.

Italics indicate reader’s inner thoughts.

Warnings: pregnancy, vomiting, children, babies, non-graphic birth, premature birth, some angst, allusions to sex, mild illness

Word count: 20.6k (grab a cup of tea and settle in, it’s a long one)

*******************************************************************************************

New Year's Eve in New York City. Just like last year, and yet at the same time, so very different. This year, Joe’s traditional New Year’s Eve party was going to be a celebration of so much more. Lucy and Rami insisted on coming to celebrate your engagement as much as the new year. Joe had of course sent an announcement to the ‘band’ group chat almost the moment you got home, and you’d spent the next three days in a whirlwind of calls, texts and video chats. Joe wanted to post something on Instagram almost immediately, but you persuaded him to hold off until you could tell his extended family in person at Christmas. He was annoyed until he saw their reactions to your announcement. Needless to say, it went down very well.

And then he finally made his Instagram post on Boxing Day, which lifted his mood enormously. He chose a sweet selfie he’d taken of the two of you hugging Tallulah, whose face was hidden, with the hand bearing your ring held close to the camera. He captioned it ‘Well we had a great Christmas celebrating this… Two weeks ago she said yes. Still can’t believe I get these two for the rest of my life now.’ The reaction was practically immediate and overwhelmingly positive. Even Brian left a comment: ‘Congratulations to a lovely couple! Wishing you endless happiness. Bri.’ You couldn’t help smiling at all the positivity. “They’re all so happy for us, Joe” you commented. He was confused. “Well, yeah, it’s happy news, right?” “It is,” you agreed, “but I thought people might be put off by the whole stepkid thing.” “Most people actually think it’s really sweet” Joe assured you.

All in all, you were a very happy family when New Year’s Eve rolled around. Joe’s various friends were keen to celebrate with you, Tallulah was eagerly counting down the last few days before Roger’s arrival, and you felt a general sense that all was right with the world. Ben’s unexpected arrival at the party was a nice treat too. Even Tallulah was pleased to see one of her favourite people in the world. Sitting with Joe after your midnight kiss, you felt incredibly content. “This year’s going to be a good one, isn’t it?” You mused. “Definitely” Joe agreed, kissing you gently. “It’s going to be great.”

January

You weren’t expecting to get into wedding planning after being engaged for less than three weeks, but Joe was keen to set a date as soon as possible. “I’m an actor, I need to know when I’m not going to be available” he explained one night, when you questioned his urgency to make plans. There was just one decision you needed to make before making any firm plans: would you have the wedding in New York or back home in the UK? You fretted for nearly a week after Joe first raised the question, not wanting to inconvenience any of your potential guests. "Babe, wherever we have the wedding someone's going to have to travel to get to it" Joe reminded you, after you told him about your severe indecision on the matter. "We might as well just pick the location we want, and leave it to the guests to decide if it’s too far for them." You considered this for a moment. "I suppose you're right" you agreed finally. "I usually am" Joe quipped. "Seriously though, where do you actually want to do it?" "I think… I'd rather get married in Britain" you replied, hesitantly. Joe smiled. "Britain it is then."

He paused. "Actually I was kinda hoping you'd say that, I'd love for Roger and Brian to be there." "Why?" you asked, surprised. "Well, we wouldn't be here without them. Especially Roger" Joe explained. "Don't you think it'd be a little strange for Roger to be there?" you questioned. "He is sort of my ex, you know." "He's also the one who introduced us" Joe pointed out. "Still a bit weird, but I suppose you're right" you conceded. Why is my life so bloody weird? It'd be nice for Roger to be there, spend some time with Loolah, see my family… oh God. You must have groaned out loud, because Joe suddenly looked concerned. "You ok babe?" he asked. "Yeah, I just realised that if Roger comes to our wedding he'll have to meet my parents" you explained. "Is… is that a problem?" Joe was confused. "Well, considering my father is under the impression he got me pregnant and then basically abandoned me to raise the child alone for five years, let's just say Roger's not exactly my dad's favourite person" you clarified. "I'm sure they'll be fine" Joe reassured you, "Roger's, like, ridiculously charming and friendly when he wants to be." "I know" you replied gently. "So, you still want to get married in England?" Joe asked jokingly. You smiled. "Yes." "Well then," he replied, smiling contentedly, "looks like we've got a location, so let's set a date."

Setting a date, however, proved to be easier said than done. You quickly realised that getting married in England would be an excellent excuse for a holiday, so you decided to make it a two-week trip, with the wedding in the middle followed by a week's honeymoon, during which Tallulah could spend some time with her dad. This meant you needed to find a convenient time of year for you and Joe to have a holiday, that would also be ok for Roger. And then you'd need a venue that was available at the right time.

Finding a venue in England, while more or less stuck in New York was something of a challenge. Google was of course immensely helpful, but it soon became clear you would need someone on the ground there too. You were wondering who to ask when you realised most of your bridal party still lived in the UK. Destiny was your maid of honour, and she was more than happy to help. "Anything you need, lovie, just give me a call" she assured you. You soon found yourself asking her to look at a venue for you, an old stately home in a country village barely an hour outside London.

The house looked beautiful on the website, and best of all, you, Joe, Tallulah and some of your guests would be able to stay there ahead of the ceremony. Destiny went to look at it as soon as she could find the time, and her report was very positive. “It’s gorgeous” she gushed to you down the phone. “You’d love it. The grounds are lovely too, I think Loolah’d have fun exploring them.” When Joe saw the photos Destiny sent you he agreed it looked practically perfect for your wedding. All that was left was to find a date the venue would be available.

You had a stroke of luck on the date front a few days after you and Joe put yourselves on the waiting list for a booking. A sudden cancellation had left the stately home with a week free in April, just after Easter. The timing couldn’t be better. “Work’ll be quiet, it’ll be a good time for me to have off” you explained to Joe. “And it’d overlap with Loolah’s school holidays too.” Joe was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’m pretty free in April, actually” he said eventually. “So you wanna take the booking?” “Yeah, let’s do it” he enthused. A couple of days and several emails later the venue. “We’re getting married in April” you marvelled to Joe, after receiving the final confirmation. “Yeah” he replied contentedly. “Three months to plan a whole wedding. Are we nuts?” You really hoped not.

February

February brought cold season to your little family. First Tallulah came home with a sore throat and a fever which kept her away from school for three days, during which time Joe was luckily free to stay home with her. Then you caught her cold, though you managed to escape the worst of it, developing nothing worse than a sniffle. Finally, a week later you woke to find Joe pale and feverish beside you. He didn't wake until you were getting dressed for work. "Darling, are you alright?" you asked him, concerned. "No," he groaned. "My head hurts, my throat is killing me and I've got chills, I think." "Sounds like you've caught our cold then" you commented. "Can you stay home with me babe? Please?" Joe begged. You smiled sadly. "You know I can't, dear. Besides, you have a cold, you're not dying. You’re a grownup, you can survive eight hours on your own." "But baaabe!" he protested. "You sound like Loolah, you know” you grumbled, smiling fondly at Joe despite your exasperation. "But I'll come home as early as I can." "Thanks babe" he mumbled, peering blearily up at you from his spot under the covers. You returned to your morning routine, and Joe was asleep again within minutes.

Joe stayed home for a week. He never got any worse than Tallulah had, but sometimes it seemed that way because he was such a drama queen when he was sick. After two nights of listening to him sniff and cough miserably next to you, you banished yourself to the couch in the hope of finally getting some sleep. It barely worked, and you made sure to tell Joe the next day. "That couch is terrible! If only we had an extra bedroom…" "What, don't you like my apartment?" he grumped. "No, I do, Joe," you reassured him, "it's just… it feels so small sometimes. Like we're all on top of each other all the time, you know?" Joe looked thoughtful. "I actually saw a really nice house for sale the other day. Not too big, little bit of yard at the back… don't know if we can afford it though" he told you. "Well, it can't hurt to take a look" you grinned. Joe smiled back. "Let's go then."

The house turned out to be a nice little townhouse, with four bedrooms, but surprisingly right in your price range. Best of all, it was still on the market, but not for long. One very tense week later it was yours. There was just one small catch. "So, we close on the house in a month" Joe told you, following a phonecall from the real estate agent. "Which means we can't move in until April." "We're getting married in April though, we're going to be super busy and then away for a fortnight" you pointed out. "Yeah, the timing's not the best, is it?" Joe laughed. "I suppose we could move the week before we go…" you suggested. "Yeah, we- oh no, wait, we can't, I'm going to Vegas for my bachelor party that week" Joe told you. "And that means we can't move because…?" you asked. "I'm not leaving you to deal with moving by yourself" Joe replied stoutly. You looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "As much as I want to go all 'independent woman' on you, I actually think you're right. I'll have enough to do that week as it is." "So we'll move after the wedding?" Joe suggested. "Yeah. As soon as we can." Gee, we’re doing a lot this year.

March

Most of your free time in March was taken up with planning of one sort or another. When you weren’t sorting out last minute wedding details, you were busy attempting to organise the move into your new house. On top of finding a removal company you were planning to have some of your stored furniture shipped from England to fill the extra space. But you weren’t convinced it would be enough. “Why did we buy a four-bedroom house?” you questioned Joe, after yet another attempt to work out what you would still need once your things arrived. “We only needed two, and now we’ve got so many rooms and not enough furniture…” “Well I thought we might want to fill those extra bedrooms soon…” Joe said suggestively. “What do you mean, Joe?” you asked, confused. “I mean,” Joe sighed, exasperated at your obliviousness, “I hoped we could try to grow our family?” You thought you knew what he was getting at now, but you wanted to check. “D’you mean… try to have a baby?” “Yes” Joe replied, smiling. His face fell slightly at the sight of your expression. “Do you not want to? Cause we don’t have to, I just thought…hoped-” “Of course I want to have a baby with you Joe,” you reassured him, “just… can we maybe wait til after the wedding? We’ve got enough going on right now as it is.” Joe nodded in agreement. “You know, the honeymoon is after the wedding…” he pointed out suggestively. “It is.” “So, extra fun honeymoon then?” Joe suggested. “Sounds like a plan” you agreed. At that Joe kissed you much more lustily than you were expecting. Should be a very enjoyable honeymoon if he’s going to be like that.  

As the weeks rolled by your focus increasingly shifted to the various parts of the wedding you and Joe still needed to plan. Of course, one of the most important components, at least to you and Joe, turned out to be the first dance. The first challenge was agreeing on the music. You both thought a Queen song seemed appropriate, but which one? "Love Of My Life?" Joe suggested. You looked at him incredulously. "What, it's a classic!" he insisted. "You do realise it's not actually a love song, right?" you asked. He was confused. "What?" "'Love of my life, don't leave me'?" you quoted. "It's a break-up song, Joe. I'm not doing the first dance to a break-up song!" Joe threw his hands up in surrender. "Ok, fine. Do you have any ideas?" You thought about it for a moment. "Um… Queen love songs. They didn't actually write all that many, did they?" Joe looked thoughtful. "Not straightforward happy ones, no" he agreed.

Suddenly his face was alight with inspiration. "We could do it to '39!" he suggested. "I know we both like that song." You were hesitant. "Um, I do like that song, but…" "But what?" He asked indignantly. "That song… it's kind of about me and Roger. Partly at least." you told him. "I just think it would be weird to have that for our first dance." Joe was very confused. "I thought Brian wrote '39?" "He did" you confirmed. "Roger told him about… us… once when they were both drunk, and Brian thinks that might have inspired the chorus. And the whole 'year of 39' bit." Your fiance looked at you blankly. "Roger and I were living 39 years apart at that point" you explained. "Oh." Joe sighed. "I guess that song would be kind of weird then" he conceded. “Actually, maybe a Queen song for the first dance was a bad idea” he pondered.  “Yeah” you agreed. “Maybe we should just stick with one of the classics.” “The classics?” Joe questioned. “Yeah, you know, Frank Sinatra or At Last or something.” “Or ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’?” Joe suggested. “Slow dance and fast bits, we could have some fun with it.” “That’s perfect!” You agreed. So much for Queen for the first dance.

April

The arrival of April Fool’s Day signalled your wedding day was almost upon you. Everything important was booked or ordered, which meant you were now faced with sorting out all the little things you’d put off organising initially, knowing they could be dealt with at the last minute. Number one on the list was sorting out who would be looking after Tallulah when she wasn’t fulfilling her flower girl duties. “Isn’t Roger looking after her after the ceremony’s over?” Joe asked, when you tried to explain your dilemma. “He’s going to be at the reception, Joe” you pointed out. “Along with basically my whole family. And I can’t ask Destiny because she’s maid of honour, and Carla’s her date, so she’ll be there too.” Suddenly Joe understood. “Well I guess she could just come to the reception. Roger could keep an eye on her there. And your parents.” “I suppose…” you sighed. “Actually, Lucy and the other bridesmaids could probably look after her during the day, until Roger can take over at the reception. But then we’re going away at the end, and what if she wants to leave early?” “So what if she does? Roger can take her to his room, right?” Joe reassured you. “You’re right,” you agreed, “he’s her dad, he can deal with it.”

Your other major concern was the potential for the combination of your very ordinary family and several famous people to end very badly. “They were fine meeting me, they’ll be fine at the wedding too” Joe tried to reassure you. “You’re just one person though,” you pointed out, “they’re going to have several people to embarrass themselves in front of this time.” Joe was still unconcerned. “I’m sure they won’t be that bad, babe” “You don’t know my Auntie Marie… ah shit” you trailed off, hit with a sudden realisation. “What about her?” “She’s a mad Eastenders fan, has been for years. Got my cousins into it too, and Steph… Peter Beale was always her favourite” you explained. “I think she might still have a bit of a celebrity crush on Ben.” Joe nearly laughed. “You know he won’t be that bothered” he reassured you. “Even if she spends the whole day practically hanging off him?” “Not if she’s cute” Joe quipped. He rapidly backpedalled at the sight of your expression. “She won’t be able to stick to him all day, he’ll be busy being best man for some of it.” “Thank god for that” you quipped. In the end Joe managed to reassure you Ben was perfectly capable of handling himself around overexcited fans. Even so, you still resolved to ask your mum to remind a few of your relatives to behave themselves before the wedding.

You felt as though you’d hardly blinked before Tallulah’s Easter holidays had arrived, and the three of you were on a plane to London. The plan was to spend a few days there catching up with friends and sorting out the final last-minute details before heading to the wedding venue on Thursday. You had a big dinner party for all your wedding guests planned for Friday night, ahead of the main event on Saturday. On Sunday you were off to Italy with Joe to unwind for a few days before you had to go home. Tallulah was going to spend that time with Roger, and she was very excited.

You tried to get some sleep on the plane, but it was difficult to relax with so many last-minute worries buzzing through your mind. You kept dozing off only to wake up in a panic about something. “The bridesmaids! What if their dresses look bad with mine?” “Babe, it’ll be fine. Lucy picked them, and she’s an expert” Joe soothed drowsily. Lucy had become one of your closest friends since you’d started seeing Joe. She’d adopted you more or less instantly, along with the rest of the Bo Rhap crew, and been your guide in the strange new world in which you’d found yourself as an actor’s girlfriend. But she was also an extremely supportive friend while you wrestled with the realities of a long-distance relationship. She empathised deeply with your struggles, being in a very similar situation with Rami, and had all sorts of advice on how to deal with them. She continued to sympathise as you adjusted to life in a new city, having had similar experiences when moving around for different projects. 

Including Lucy in your bridal party was therefore a no-brainer in your view. Her experience with fashion had proved very useful when you’d enlisted her to help you select bridesmaids’ dresses. The only small issue was that you had never seen the dresses in person, as your entire bridal party lived in the UK. As well as Lucy, and of course Destiny, there was your sister Eliza and Annabelle, an old uni friend who was one of the few people who’d actually stuck around after Tallulah was born. Quite a lot of your friends had made all the right noises while you were pregnant, only to disappear when confronted with the reality of your new situation. In any case, you were now very much looking forward to seeing all your bridesmaids again.

Despite your restlessness the flight passed quickly enough, and before you knew it you were settling into your temporary holiday flat in central London. Your parents insisted on coming to meet you as soon as possible, having not seen you in months, so most of the afternoon was spent lounging around the flat and catching up with them. Your sister had been keeping your mum in the loop about the wedding preparations, so she was full of useful last-minute advice and reassurance. “I’ve seen your sister’s dress, I’m sure all the bridesmaids will look wonderful” she told you, after you’d voiced to her your concerns about the dresses you hadn’t seen in person. “They’ll work beautifully with your dress too, I’m sure.” You weren’t entirely soothed, but you didn’t have the energy to argue by then.

Your worries were proved unfounded at the final fitting the next day. Lucy’s taste was clearly excellent, and everyone looked absolutely beautiful in their light aquamarine gowns. You spent a very enjoyable day getting fitted and hanging out with your bridesmaids, who got on well despite barely knowing each other. Well, they do all get on with me, they must have something in common. Tallulah had fun too, sitting in the fancy bridal shop with some of her favourite adults, and then getting to wear a very pretty dress. “You look so pretty, lovie!” Lucy gushed, when she finally got to see Tallulah in her flowergirl outfit. “Of course she looks pretty Luce,” you smiled, “you chose the dress.” All in all it was a productive day, and you felt much calmer about your imminent wedding at the end of it. 

The days passed in a whirlwind of lunches, coffee dates, and frantic final preparations. You even squeezed in a surprise hen night with your bridal party. But then, quick as a flash, Thursday had arrived and you found yourself on the road to the stately home where the wedding was being held. Joe had insisted on driving, but he wasn’t coping very well with having to drive on the opposite side of the road. “God, this feels so wrong even though I know it’s not.” “Just concentrate” you urged him. “And I’m driving next time, it’ll be a lot less stressful.” Fortunately you made it to the wedding venue without incident, despite a couple of near-misses.

Thursday night was spent having dinner with the entire bridal party, who had never been together before. They would all be staying in the actual stately home with you and Joe for the duration. Joe had picked Ben as his best man, after much agonising. Rami and Gwilym were of course groomsmen too, alongside Joe’s brother. To your immense relief everyone got on well without much effort, and the evening passed surprisingly quickly. You went to bed with the feeling that the countdown was now on, and you were very excited. 

Most of Friday was spent preparing the venue for the events of the next day, setting up a location in the grpunds for the ceremony and arranging flowers and decorations. The evening, though, was set aside for a relaxed pre-wedding party, to give the guests an opportunity to meet each other and see you and Joe before you were swept up in the wedding tomorrow. The guests themselves arrived in dribs and drabs as the day went on. The bridal party were already there, of course, and their various partners had all arrived by lunchtime. Your parents appeared in the early afternoon, and Joe’s mum followed soon after. The day was full of enjoyable reunions, and the night promised even more. 

The party started in the early evening with light finger food and cocktails. There was no formal sit-down meal, because people were coming from all over and would be arriving at various times throughout the night. You and Joe tried to remain in a central position so you could easily greet people as they arrived. Later in the night there were a couple of quick speeches from Joe and Ben, welcoming everyone to your wedding. After the speeches you and Joe took the opportunity to mingle with some of the late arrivals. Among them was Brian, who swept over to introduce you to Anita, who was just as warm and lovely as he was. "I told her the truth about you. And Tallulah. Hope you don't mind" he told you in an undertone. You smiled reassuringly. "Of course not.” Not long after he trotted off to catch up with the rest of the Bo Rhap contingent, currently hanging out in a quiet corner, your parents came up to you, bringing Tallulah with them. "She was asking for you" your mother explained. At almost the same moment Roger came over with Sarina to say hello. Oh lord, here we go.

"Hello, love! Good to see you back on home soil" Roger greeted you, cheerful as ever. "Hi Roger. Sarina, lovely to see you again." Your mother leaned over while Joe greeted them both. "Wait, how do you know him?" she asked. Before you could reply Roger was looking at you curiously. "Roger, these are my parents" you explained, in response to his unspoken question. "Roger Taylor. How do you do?" He smiled cheerfully as he reached over to shake their hands. Something about his expression seemed to catch your mother’s interest, and you could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. "Hold on, are you-?" "Daddy!" Tallulah cried, rushing over to embrace him. "Hello darling" Roger murmured, bobbing down to hug her back. "'Daddy?'" your father repeated incredulously. "Yes," you confirmed, "this is Tallulah's dad. And his wife Sarina" "Wife?" your father echoed. "Yes" Roger replied, straightening up. "You never said he was married" your father muttered darkly. You tensed up at your father’s tone. “He never told me.” "He was- you were married then?" your father spluttered at Roger, clearly angry. He didn't even need to explain what 'then' meant. "Dear, please, don't make a scene" your mother urged quietly. Roger, surprisingly, was unfazed. I suppose it's easy to ignore accusations when you know they're not actually true. "Yes, I was. And yes, I did some things I'm not proud of back then, but becoming Tallulah's father sure as hell isn't one of them" he declared stoutly. Your father seemed to accept this, but was still unwilling to back down. "Still can't believe you had the nerve to show your face here" he said unpleasantly. Joe had been hanging back, unwilling to get involved, but at this he felt he had to intervene. "If you must know," he explained tensely, "I insisted we invite Roger. Your daughter and I wouldn't be here without him, and besides, he's a friend." Your parents gawped at him but said nothing. "I know it's an unusual situation" Joe pressed on, "but we've all managed to get along despite the circumstances, so the least you can do is respect that. And respect Roger too, he's a good man." Your father was evidently flabbergasted at Joe's outburst, to the point that he was apparently unable to form a response. Your mother seized the opportunity to steer him away from you towards some nearby relatives, having apparently decided the conversation had gone far enough. 

"Was that too much?" Joe whispered when they were safely out of earshot. "No," you reassured him, "he just needs some time to cool off. He'll be okay." You were suddenly acutely aware of Roger looking at you with concern, while chatting with Tallulah. "You alright?" you asked casually. He grinned. "Yeah. 'S not the first time I've had to deal with an angry dad. Been a few years though…" There was a thoughtful pause. "What exactly is his problem, by the way?" Roger asked lightly. "He thought I ruined my life when I got pregnant by someone who didn't stick around" you explained. Roger looked downcast. "Oh. I see" he muttered. "You know, it kills me a bit that you had to raise her alone for so long" he said suddenly, quietly enough that no-one would overhear. "I wasn't alone, Rog" you reassured him. He still looked downcast. “I know, but still…” “It wasn’t your fault you weren’t there, I don’t blame you for it, so stop beating yourself up about it” you told him. “I made my choice expecting I’d never see you again, I knew what I was signing up for.” Roger stared at you curiously. “Well, I thought I did, anyway” you clarified. Roger grinned at that, but it disappeared quickly. “D’you ever wish-” he started to ask, but you cut him off. “Things had been different? Of course. I’m pretty happy with how they’ve turned out, though. Thanks to you.” Roger was confused. “Thanks to me?” “Technically, you introduced me to Joe” you pointed out. He grinned broadly at that.

Suddenly you realised Joe had disappeared. Before you could do anything, though, Ben appeared at your shoulder. "Y/N" he said quietly, making you jump. “Ben! What’s up?” The blond looked uncharacteristically serious. “It’s Joe,” he told you, “he’s… he needs you, I think.” “Well where is he?” You asked, suddenly concerned. “Come with me” Ben murmured, leading you away from the party. He took you down a corridor to a quiet storeroom, away from the noise and movement. “What’s he doing in here?” You asked, whispering urgently. “He’s… upset, I guess” Ben replied. “But he’ll be able to explain it better. Just go in, please.” A worrying thought struck you. “We’re the guests of honour, won’t people notice we’ve both gone?” Ben shrugged. “Even if they do they’ll just think you’re shagging or something.” “Ben!” you chided him, scandalised. “Relax, I’ll cover for you if anyone does notice” he reassured you. “Thanks” you muttered, turning away to face the storeroom properly.

You cautiously pushed the door open. “Joe? Are you alright?” Your soon-to-be husband looked up, startled. His eyes were red-rimmed and full of tears. “How did you-?” “Ben told me” you explained, cutting off his question. “But darling, what’s wrong?” You asked him tenderly, sitting down next to him. “After I saw you with your dad, before, it just… it suddenly hit me, really hard.” “What hit you?” You prompted, wrapping your arms around him. “My dad’s not here. I’m getting married and he won’t be there. He should be here, meeting your parents, defending you to your own father like I did, but he’s not” Joe explained sadly. “And I feel like I should be super happy right now, and I am, but I’m really sad too.” “Oh, darling, you’re allowed to feel however you want” you comforted him. You held him quietly for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me you were upset?” You asked quietly. “It came on really suddenly, like out of nowhere… and you looked so happy back there, I didn’t want to bring you down” Joe admitted. “Joe, darling, I don’t mind. We’re nearly married, that means it’s my job to help you when you feel like this” you reassured him. “Thanks wifey” he said, looking slightly happier. You kissed him lightly on the cheek. “Any time, babe.” You paused, sitting in silence for a while. “Are you ok now, or do you still need a minute?” You eventually asked, sensing your husband-to-be was starting to feel better. Joe looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’ll need a little bit longer, I think.” You sat together in silence for a moment. Suddenly Joe turned his head and kissed you. “I love you so much” he murmured as you broke apart. “Love you too” you replied automatically. “You can go now, if you want” Joe announced. “I’ll be out soon.” But as you reached the door he stopped you. “Actually, can you get Ben to come in here?” He asked calmly. “Ben?” You questioned, surprised. “Just…please?” Joe’s expression spoke such volumes you suddenly didn’t need to know any more. “Of course, dear.” You paused just before you left the room. “I’m sending Ben into a private space with you, should I be worried?” you quipped. Joe laughed at that, and you finally relaxed, knowing for sure he would be ok now. 

The rest of the party rolled on without incident, and you went to bed that night with an odd mixture of contentment and nerves bubbling in your head. The next morning you woke relaxed and refreshed, and most unusually, alone. Joe was rather fond of certain wedding traditions, and had insisted on sharing Ben’s room for the night. You thought it was probably for the best, you’d have to get ready separately anyway. Lucy had suggested Tallulah have a sleepover with her and Rami as well, so you could have a break and she could look after your daughter in the morning while you had a bit of a lie in. 

As you got out of bed and started on your morning routine you were hit with a sudden wave of pre-wedding jitters. What if it rained? What if something went wrong? Were you doing this too soon? You’d only been living together for nine months, after all. Your stressful thoughts were interrupted by a knock on your door. “Y/N? You up?” It was Destiny, fulfilling her first job of the day. “Yeah, come in” you called. She took one look at you and rushed over, enveloping you in her arms. “What’s up love?” “I just… I don’t know” you gulped. “I’m having all these doubts all of a sudden. What if this is too soon?” Destiny smiled reassuringly. “You’ve been together for years, this is hardly a whirlwind romance.” “I know, but-” She turned to look you straight in the face. “You love him, don’t you?” You were bewildered at the question. “Of course I do, but-” “And Joe loves you, right?” Destiny pressed on. “Well, yeah, I think s-” You were interrupted by Lucy entering your room, Tallulah in tow. She immediately sent Tallulah off to the bathroom so she could talk to you alone. “What’s going on?” Lucy asked. “Pre-wedding jitters” Destiny explained. “Anyway, you love Joe and he loves you, doesn’t he?” You were oddly uncertain. “I think s-” “He does” Lucy chimed in. “He adores you, Y/N, everyone can see it.” “You see?” Destiny went on. “You love each other, you want to be with each other, and at the end of the day that’s what really matters here.” You sighed. “I know Dess, I just… this’s all happened so quickly, how do I know we’re not moving too fast?” Lucy stepped forward, and Destiny wordlessly let you go so the younger woman could take over. Lucy put her hands on your shoulders and looked into your eyes. “Y/N,” she began firmly, “Joe loves you, he really does. Everyone can see how you make each other happy.” “I know that, but-” “So what if you’ve moved quickly?” She cut you off. “When you know, you know. Joe knows, even if you don’t.” You were confused. “How do you know that?” “Rami” Lucy said simply. “He’s never seen Joe look at anyone the way he looks at you, and you know as well as I do how long they’ve known each other.” You were taken aback. How could you have doubted what you and Joe had? “I suppose when I think about it this does feel right, even if it is a bit quick” you declared. Lucy smiled. “Of course it is lovie. Now come on, let’s get you married.”

In the end, the ceremony went off without a hitch. You looked beautiful, Joe only got slightly teary when he saw you at the end of the aisle, and all the guests agreed it was lovely. Even the previous night’s tension with your father was forgotten as soon as he saw you in your full regalia for the first time. The expression on Joe’s face when he first caught sight of you was so adoring, and so happy, all your doubts vanished instantly when you saw it. By the end of the ceremony you were fairly sure you were both wearing identical joyful smiles. You really were glad to be marrying him. 

The reception went well too. The first dance, which you and Joe had positively slaved over, was performed flawlessly, and earned rapturous applause from your guests. The speeches were all excellent as well. Ben's was probably the most polished, but then, he was an actor. You wanted to thank him during the dancing afterwards, but he seemed to have vanished. Joe was strangely unconcerned by this. "He's probably just gone for a smoke, wifey.” He seemed to have been gone a long time, but before you could consider this further you were distracted by Rami and Lucy coming to congratulate you, accompanied by Tallulah. Somehow, in the midst of all the hugs Joe disappeared off somewhere. You couldn't work out where until Lucy led you to a chair near the front table, closest to the little stage area where the sound system was, and urged you to sit there with Tallulah. You were surprised to see there were microphones and amps and even a drum set up, even though you hadn't booked a band.

Your confusion lasted only until Joe and Ben stepped up to two of the mikes. "What are they doing?" you muttered to Lucy. "Just watch" she told you, grinning. Suddenly you noticed a familiar lanky figure wandering over to the third mike. Joe, in the middle, cleared his throat. "Uh, hi everyone, if I could have your attention for a minute? Relax, I'm not doing another speech. So you might know we three have a bit of a side interest in music, even though we don’t get to play together very much. So I just wanted to take the opportunity tonight to do something special for the two very special ladies in my life. To the extremely talented musicians in the audience, please bear with us. Everyone else, enjoy." With that, he picked up a bass, Ben picked up a tambourine, and Gwilym, down the other end, sat on a bar stool at his mike, acoustic guitar in hand. Ben counted them in, and suddenly Gwilym started picking out the very familiar chords of '39, with Joe on bass and Ben on bass drum and tambourine. Then Joe began to sing directly to you and Tallulah, and you thought you might cry, though Tallulah immediately started to sing along. Gwilym and Ben harmonised nicely on backing vocals too. When the end of the song brought rapturous applause, your new husband and his friend beamed, while Gwilym just smiled modestly. When things died down, Joe spoke up again. "Ladies and gentlemen, Gwilym Lee!" he introduced. "And on drums, Ben Hardy!" After a brief round of applause he grinned cheekily. "You liked that?" he asked the crowd. "Lucky for you, we have one more. It's a bit of an oldie, but a goodie" he explained. Another count in from Ben led to the intro to "Hello Mary Lou." Joe looked distinctly nervous as he started to sing again, but you beamed at him as he sang straight to you. The song finished, your guests applauded, and with a wink and a "That's all folks!" the musicians left the stage, taking their instruments with them.

Moments later the three of them appeared in front of you. You promptly threw your arms around them all. "That was amazing! You're so talented, all of you." Ben blushed. "Oh, well, I'm no Roger…" he faltered. "We had excellent teachers” Gwilym added, looking slightly uncomfortable at the praise. "You what?" you asked, surprised. "Brian and Roger taught us Hello Mary Lou" Joe explained. “We already knew ’39 from the movie, just had to refresh our memories a bit.” "Well you all did wonderfully" you mused. "Anyway, 'Hello Mary Lou'?" "I know how much you like it, and it seemed… appropriate for us" Joe shrugged. "I suppose. You really love ’39 though, don't you?" you commented. "Well it always reminds me of us a bit, you know, lovers separated, longing to be together again, it's kind of the story of our relationship, y'know?" Joe explained. "It kind of is" you agreed.

Suddenly Brian and Roger descended on the trio of groomsmen to congratulate them on the performance. You took advantage of their celebration’s rapid turn into an in-depth conversation about drumming between Ben and Roger and embraced Brian. "Thank you for teaching them" you murmured. "That was wonderful." He smiled. "You're very welcome" he said warmly. "You know, it was a bit strange watching them all up there. Joe looks so much like Deaky when he plays, it’s almost alarming." “You should tell Joe that” you commented. “Oh, he knows” Brian replied airily. You were glad, but you thought Joe was extremely talented in his own right too. 

The laughter and dancing seemed to go on forever, but soon enough, the festivities were over and you and Joe were retreating to the bridal bedroom. Even though it was your wedding night both of you were too tired to do much more than undress each other and cuddle. “I love you, wifey” Joe murmured, as you dozed off wrapped in each other’s arms. “I love you, hubs” you murmured back. You weren’t sure you’d ever been happier in your life.

You spent the following week in something of a post-wedding haze. You spent several happy days honeymooning in Rome, enjoying spring sunshine and Italian food. You revelled in the feeling of being married, and in being responsible only for yourselves for a change. It was an odd sensation after so many years of single parenthood. But all too soon the honeymoon was over, and you had to go home to New York. Back to work, school and responsibilities. But also to your new future, which was looking brighter than ever.

May

You returned home still floating in a blissful honeymoon fog. Joe could only stay home for a week before he would be needed in LA again, but you made the most of it by moving house two days after you got back from England. Your wedding gifts had been shipped to the new house ahead of you, bringing with them a few pleasant surprises. In addition to the gifts left by your guests there were a number of cards sent by people who hadn't been able to attend the wedding. You and Joe made sure to read them all together, occasionally asking each other who the senders were. However, there was one card that mystified you both.

One afternoon you wandered into the kitchen to find Joe at the table bent over a stack of cards. "Babe, do you know a John and Veronica?" he asked as you passed him on your way to the pantry. "No, why?" you replied casually. "There's a card here from 'John and Veronica' and I don't know who they are so I figured they must be people you know…" "Maybe I do" you mused. “Show me.” Joe passed the card over, and you started to read. “Joe and Y/N”, it said, ‘Congratulations on your wedding. May your marriage bring you a lifetime of happiness.’ It was signed ‘John and Veronica,’ but you didn’t recognise the handwriting. “Weird,” you murmured, "'John and Veronica' sounds sort of familiar somehow…" Joe looked at you thoughtfully. "It sounds kinda familiar to me too" he said wonderingly. Suddenly he gasped. "John Deacon… John Deacon's wife's called Veronica… you don't think?" Joe babbled frantically. "Could be" you replied evenly. "But how would he have known we were getting married?" "Luke" Joe responded instantly. "Luke Deacon DM'ed me after I did the engagement post on Instagram, just to say congrats, y'know." "Nice bloke" you commented. "Very nice" Joe agreed. "He must've told his dad, I guess. But then how did he-" "Know where to send the card?" you completed. "Sent it to Roger and Brian, probably."

A quick phonecall to Roger confirmed your suspicions, and lead to some interesting revelations. "He knows the real story about you and Loolah now" Roger confessed. "He recognised you in the engagement photo. And her. At least, he knew immediately she was mine" he explained. "I suppose he would" you mused. "And he wanted… he wishes Joe well, he really does. He just wants to stay as far away from the business as possible, you know" Roger added. "I get that now, so much" you laughed. Joe, listening in, looked as though he might cry. He understood exactly what Roger meant, and it made him so very glad to hear it.

All too soon, Joe had to go back to work in LA, again. He was gone for three weeks, until mid-May. By the time he came home a hint of summer was starting to creep into the city air. Annoyingly, though, you were unable to make the most of Joe's eventual return. Lately, you had been so tired all you wanted to do was sleep, even on your days off. You'd been feeling like this for a week by the time Joe came home. The next morning you woke up feeling extremely nauseous. You tried to get up without waking Joe, but the movement made things so much worse you had to jump up and sprint for the toilet. Thank god we have an en-suite now. "Babe?" Joe groaned from the bed. "What's up?" You didn't want to open your mouth to respond. While you were curled over the bowl you heard footsteps. You were suddenly aware of Joe standing behind you. "Oh, honey" he murmured sympathetically, leaning down to rub your back in soothing circles. 

When you finally stopped heaving you looked up to see Joe studying you with a mixture of concern and curiosity. "Are you sick, babe? You seemed fine last night…" "I was" you told him crossly. "Or at least, I wasn't feeling like this. I have been really tired though" you explained, thoughtfully. "Maybe you've caught something from Loolah?" Joe suggested. She was always passing things on from school. "Maybe" you echoed, unsure. "She hasn't been sick lately though." You hauled yourself upright and went to brush your teeth. "I've probably just eaten something dodgy" you assured your husband. "If you say so" he replied, sounding unconvinced. "You don't believe me?" you asked him. Joe stood behind you at the sink while you brushed, looking uncertain. "I do, it's just… well… we were, ah, trying all honeymoon, maybe it worked?" he said, rather suggestively. "I doubt it" you told him, "It’s only the first month. Besides, I'm about to get m-" Wait, what's the date? You were abruptly silenced by a sudden realisation. "What?" he asked frantically. "My period. It's two weeks late. How did I not notice that?" He smiled. "So you think-?" You nodded. "I really could be. I think I'd better go to the pharmacy today..."

Joe had to go to work that day, but by some weird stroke of luck, you had a day off. You ran out to the pharmacy that very morning and bought two tests, rushing home to do them as soon as you could. The results were clear as day. Positive. Both of them. Oh my god, it actually worked. I’m really pregnant. I have to do something cute to tell Joe. You immediately started to develop a plan for your very special announcement. I’m so happy. God, he’s going to be so excited. He’s going to be the best dad too.

Joe arrived home that afternoon to the usual enthusiastic welcome from Tallulah. When you finally managed to persuade Tallulah to let him go, you sent her off to watch cartoons while you took Joe upstairs to freshen up. "So did you get to the drugstore today?" he asked quietly. "I did" you replied, trying to sound casual. "And?" he questioned, as you reached your shared bedroom.  “I, um, I also got you a present today” you told him, pointing at a white box sitting on your shared bed. “Ookay?” Joe looked at you, confused, as he sat down and opened the box. He pulled out the tiniest Yankees shirt you’d been able to find. “This is so cute!” Joe exclaimed. “But why'd y-? Wait." He stared at the shirt intently. Suddenly he looked at you, thunderstruck. "No. Way" he breathed. "Holy shit. The honeymoon worked?" he asked excitedly, breaking into a huge grin. You nodded, wordlessly showing him the tests you'd hidden in the bedside drawer. Joe’s face lit up, as he broke into happy tears. "Oh my god. You’re actually pregnant?” he asked wonderingly. "Yes, Joe, I’m really pregnant” you echoed, tearing up yourself despite your joyful smile. “We're going to have a baby, darling.” “Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m gonna be a dad!” he exclaimed, pulling you in for a bear hug and kissing you deeply through the tears.

“I’m so excited babe, I want to tell everyone” he gushed as he held you. You pulled back to look at him. “Joe, darling, I literally just peed on the sticks this morning, I haven’t even been to the doctor yet. We can’t tell anyone for now, ok?” Joe looked at your serious face and nodded, disappointed. “Ok” he agreed. You paused. “Actually, we’ll need to be careful when we go back down, even Loolah doesn’t know.” “Crap” Joe cursed. “I even have to keep this from your child who lives with us? I know I’m not the expert, but that seems like a bad idea even to me” he said. “It’s only for a few weeks” you reassured him. He sighed. “I know babe, it’s just, I’m so excited, I don’t know if I can keep it in for that long.” “Well you’ll just have to try” you replied quietly. You held each other wordlessly for a moment. “I love you, did I tell you that?” Joe murmured, finally breaking the silence. “Both of you” he added, smiling broadly. “We love you too” you replied dreamily. You didn’t think you’d ever been happier than you were at that moment.

June

By the time you managed to find a doctor and get an appointment a few weeks had passed, and you were already 9 weeks along. In the meantime you had at least managed to get your pregnancy officially confirmed by a blood test at a walk-in clinic. You were still holding off on telling people about it, but it was getting difficult to hide the fact that something was happening to you. You were constantly nauseous, and it was a battle to get through a whole day of work without a spontaneous nap. I swear it wasn’t this bad last time. I suppose I was a lot younger then. This time seems so different though. Joe had managed to keep his promise so far, even with Tallulah, but you weren’t convinced he could go much longer without exploding. In any case, he was very excited about your first appointment. He made sure he was free to go with you on your afternoon off, while Tallulah was at school.

Doctor Baker was a slightly older woman with a calm, pleasant manner and a sterling reputation. You sat quietly in front of her as she checked over your paperwork. “Ok, well, that all looks good. So, just to confirm, is this your first child?” She asked pleasantly. You and Joe looked at each other. “Uh…” he muttered.“It’s my second, but it’s his first” you explained, pointing to him. “Ok, and how old’s your first?” The doctor inquired. “She’s seven” you and Joe replied simultaneously. Doctor Baker smiled kindly. “Well, as it’s been a few years you might find things are a bit different this time around, but that’s totally normal” she told you. “Now, let’s have a look at what’s going on in there.”

You moved over to the bed in her office while she bustled around preparing the ultrasound machine. Joe sat next to you, nervously holding your hand while the doctor put the gel on your stomach and turned the machine on. “Ok, let’s see” the doctor murmured, moving the ultrasound wand around experimentally. “Ah! Here we go” she said suddenly, as the room was filled with the familiar sound of a tiny heart beating. But that doesn’t sound like I remember. “You hear that?” You nodded quietly. “That’s two heartbeats. Two strong heartbeats” the doctor informed you. What?! "There's… what?! Joe cried, his mouth opening in shock. “Two? There’s two of them?” You asked Doctor Baker, equally stunned. “Yes,” she smiled, “two healthy babies. Congratulations.” You and Joe turned to look at each other simultaneously. “Twins!” You both exclaimed. “Oh my god, twins!” Joe gushed, overjoyed. You were both tearing up at the news. “Here, have a look” Doctor Baker said quietly, moving the wand so you could see both babies. “Wow” Joe breathed. “Yeah” you agreed. You made sure to get printouts of a few images from the ultrasound. You wanted to remember this moment forever.

Joe was bursting with excitement when you left the doctor’s office. “Oh my god, babe, we’re having twins!” “I know Joe, I was there” you quipped, exasperated. “I know babe, it’s just, I can’t believe this is actually happening” he explained. “Oh, it’s really happening” you quipped, smiling. Getting home brought another challenge. “Look, I know we’re not telling people yet, but I swear to God if I don’t tell someone soon I’m going to explode” Joe told you later that day. You were still reluctant to tell anybody until you were further along, but you decided to compromise. “We could tell my parents later if you want” you suggested. Joe enthusiastically agreed, so later that afternoon you FaceTimed them while holding one of your ultrasound photos. Your mum gasped when she saw what it was, and you were pretty sure she squealed when you told her you were actually having twins. Your dad was pretty happy too, the semi-argument before your wedding now long forgotten. Joe was very pleased it wasn’t a complete secret any more, and to your immense relief he managed to keep calm once Tallulah got home. You were very excited too, but you knew it was best to wait just a bit longer before telling her. Just a few weeks, and then we can tell everybody.              

July

The arrival of July heralded the beginning of Tallulah's summer holidays. This also meant a visit from Roger, who was taking her to his house in LA for a few weeks, although he was going to enjoy a couple of days with her in New York first. The final day before their departure, which Roger spent showing Tallulah around some of the New York sights, very conveniently coincided with your next visit to Doctor Baker. It was a glorious summer’s day, and you took a minute to enjoy the weather with Joe after your appointment. Both babies had received a clean bill of health, so you were in a buoyant mood as you lounged on a park bench together, basking in the sunshine. “Please tell me we can tell Tallulah now,” Joe pleaded, “keeping this secret is absolutely killing me.” “We’ll tell her tonight” you reassured him. “Oh, wait, Roger’s coming for dinner” you realised, thinking out loud. “So?” Joe responded. “We’re gonna have to tell him at some point, might as well get it over with.” “True” you murmured. “So, we’ll tell them tonight?” he asked. “Yeah.” “And then we can tell the world” Joe added. “And then the world” you echoed, smiling contentedly. It was going to be a good summer.

That night, before dinner, you presented Tallulah with a t-shirt that said ‘World’s Best Big Sister’ on the front. Roger saw it and immediately glanced at you with a knowing smile, but said nothing. Tallulah stared at the shirt in confusion, until suddenly her face lit up when she realised what it meant. “I’m gonna be a big sister?!” She cried, beaming with excitement. You smiled at her obvious joy. “Yes, darling.” “So does that mean… there’s a baby in your tummy, Mummy?” She asked, a little uncertainly. “Actually, Loolah,” Joe cut in, sitting down beside her at the dining table, “there’s two babies in Mommy’s tummy.” “Twins?” Tallulah squealed happily. “Yeah, twins” Joe confirmed, pulling some ultrasound pictures out of his pocket. “Have a look, sweetie.”

Tallulah chattered excitedly all through dinner, clearly delighted at the prospect of two younger siblings. It sounded like she’d had a nice day out with Roger too. Finally dinner was finished, Joe was cleaning up and Roger was putting Tallulah to bed, giving you a rare moment to sink onto the couch and enjoy some peace and quiet. Joe soon returned from the kitchen to sit next to you, holding you close. "You feeling ok?" he asked softly. "Just tired" you reassured him. You cuddled quietly together, chatting lazily about nothing in particular, until Roger reappeared. "Loolah's finally asleep" he told you, settling himself into an armchair next to the couch. "She seems happy, she had lots of questions." "Which you'll have to answer for the next three weeks" you quipped, grinning evilly. "True" Roger commented thoughtfully. "Now, as I haven't said it yet, congratulations, both of you" he added, smiling warmly. "Thanks, man" Joe replied, looking pleased at Roger's obvious joy. "Twins!" Roger mused. "That's… really great, actually. I'm so pleased things have worked out for you two." You and Joe both smiled at that.

“So when are you due?” Roger asked pleasantly. “January” you replied. “Which I guess means I’ll be too pregnant to take Loolah home for Christmas like I was planning.” Joe looked surprised. “You’re already planning Christmas in July?” he asked incredulously. “Not really,” you explained, “I just remembered I’d said to Mum that we’d go back to them this year.” “Well maybe your parents’ll just have to come over here instead” Roger suggested. “Perhaps” you mused. “I could come for New Year’s, have a late Christmas with Loolah” he added, thinking out loud. “That could be fun” Joe commented. You suddenly realised your next New Year’s Eve would be very different to previous celebrations. I’m definitely looking forward to it though.

You and Joe waved Tallulah and Roger off the next morning in an extremely good mood. You were determined to make the most of Tallulah’s holiday in LA, given it was likely to be the last time you were kid-free for quite a while. First on the agenda was a long-awaited band reunion. Unusually, Ben and Gwilym were both going to be working in New York at the same time, so it had been decided that a band dinner simply had to be arranged. You and Joe had decided to make an announcement at this dinner, but your plans went slightly awry when Ben dropped in that afternoon. You didn’t want to tell him early, but he saw you dashing for the bathroom at one point and was immediately concerned. “Are you ok Y/N?” he asked you when you came back. “You look a little pale…” “I’m fine, Ben” you assured him. “What’s up?” Joe asked, wandering over to his friend. “I had to run for the loo again” you explained. “Aw, you’re still sick? I thought it was getting better” Joe sympathised. “You’re sick?” Ben asked. “Um, kind of…” you muttered sheepishly. “Kind of? Guys, what’s going on?” Ben demanded, clearly confused. Joe glanced at you, and you nodded slightly, giving him wordless permission. “It's fine, Ben, it’s just morning sickness” he explained. "Oh. Right" Ben replied automatically. Then he processed Joe's comment properly. “Wait, morning sickness? Does that mean you're-?" He looked expectantly at Joe, who nodded silently. Ben beamed in response "Oh my god, that’s so great! Congratulations!” he gushed, pulling you both into a warm bear hug.

Telling the rest of the band was easy. They knew something was up as soon as you turned down the wine they were sharing. You noticed Ben smirking slightly at their confusion as to why before Joe spoke up. “Yeah, Y/N can’t drink for the next six months… cause I knocked her up.” There were a few giggles, which were followed by a shocked silence as everyone realised Joe was serious. “Yeah, and he did a great job” you added. “I’m having twins.” This revelation triggered an explosion of happy noise around the table. “You sneaky buggers, you didn’t tell me it was twins!” Ben cried, grinning at you regardless. Lucy just squealed with happiness. Dinner was interrupted while everyone stood to embrace you and Joe and murmur their congratulations. Rami looked positively overjoyed for his old friend. "Twins. Wow" he muttered to you. "Yeah, we might need your expert advice some time" you commented. "Oh, of course. Anything you need, just let us know" he assured you.

Later on Gwilym wandered over, beaming at you. “Congratulations love, it’s wonderful news.” “Aw, thank you” you replied, smiling. “They’re not going to play baseball are they?” he asked, half-seriously. “I don’t think they’ll get much choice” you sighed, grinning. “But I’m definitely teaching them cricket too, they’re British after all. I suppose we’ll just have to let them choose when they get older.” Gwilym smiled. “How modern of you.” You grinned wolfishly. “They’re both going to be cricket fans though. No children of mine are allowed to leave me to suffer through a whole Test series alone.” Gwilym laughed at that, and you could feel his happiness for you and Joe. You really were amazed at just how happy everyone was for you.

August

August should have been blissful. Tallulah was back from LA and Joe had arranged his schedule so he'd be working in New York until she went back to school. Even then, he didn't have much on, just a bit of press for his new movie and a few meetings. You were planning to enjoy some time as a family of three, a relaxed interlude before school returned and your family grew. But you spent only a week back together before getting a sharp reminder of some of the less-welcome aspects of life as an actor's wife.

It was Sunday morning, which meant Tallulah was watching cartoons while you and Joe unwound in the kitchen with cups of tea. The peace was suddenly shattered by the jangle of Joe’s phone. Joe glanced at the screen and then at you. “Text from Lucy” he told you. “Apparently we’re on TMZ again.” You’d been attracting a bit of paparazzi attention since appearing at the premiere of Joe’s new movie a few weeks ago, and you were starting to wonder whether they suspected something. “What are they saying?” you asked casually. “I don’t know, I haven’t found it yet” Joe grumbled, scrolling rapidly on the ipad resting on the kitchen bench. “Here we go.” He turned the screen around so you could read it.

At the top was the headline ‘Bo Rhap baby on board?’ over a picture of you and Joe walking down the street, in which your bump was clearly visible under your sundress. “Bloody hell, I knew that dress wasn’t covering anything” you cursed. “Does it matter? Everybody knows anyway” Joe pointed out. “Instagram doesn’t.” “I forgot about that” Joe commented. “Maybe it’s time they did?” he suggested. You had been hoping to hold off on a public announcement a little bit longer, but now it seemed like you didn’t have much choice. “I think it is” you agreed. You spent a lot of that Sunday planning out the perfect announcement, and you found yourself surprisingly excited at the prospect of sharing your news with the world.

The next day you had a doctor’s appointment, and you made a point of getting printouts of your latest ultrasound. You all got a clean bill of health too. When you got home Joe took some very nice pictures of you holding the printouts against your now very obvious bump, as well as some of you just cradling the bump. In the end he picked one of the latter shots to post, along with a close-up of the ultrasound photos against your stomach. Underneath them he wrote: ‘Just when I thought this year couldn’t get any bigger, this happened. Our little trio will be a family of five in January. Yep, double trouble is coming for the Mazzello-Y/L/N household next year (swipe for visual evidence). I almost can’t believe how much I love our little aliens already.’ You couldn’t help smiling when you saw the post. “Good?” Joe asked. “Very” you confirmed. “You’re so cute sometimes, you’re such a softie.”

Joe’s post was instantly deluged with happy comments from all and sundry. Even Brian left a nice message: ‘So pleased for you both. These kids will have wonderful parents, and be loved by so many others too. All the best for January! Bri’. “He’s so lovely” Joe commented. “He is” you agreed. “He’s right though.” “What, that everyone’s going to love our kids?” Joe joked. You smiled. “No, silly, the other thing.” This statement seemed to surprise your husband. “You really think I’m going to be a good dad?” “Joe, you already are” you said softly. Joe was confused. “Huh?” “You’re absolutely Tallulah’s parent at this point” you explained. “Not biologically of course, but that’s not what makes a good parent anyway.” “You think I’m a good parent?” Joe questioned, blown away by your statement. “Of course darling, do you think I would have moved across the pond for you if I didn’t?” You were joking, but only partly. Joe smiled anyway.

Joe ended up needing to fly to LA in the last week of Tallulah’s summer holidays. He was extremely put out that all his careful planning had still lead to him being away over the summer, but you assured him you could survive the last few days before school on your own. Tallulah spent two of them on a sleepover, and you took the last Friday off so you could have a long weekend with her as an end-of-summer treat. You spent most of the day doing back-to-school shopping, even though you wanted nothing more than to lounge on the couch all day. You were able to do that on Saturday, while Joe was helping Tallulah pick out her first day of school outfit via FaceTime. Joe insisted on taking on that particular parent duty, even while he was on the other side of the country. “You wouldn’t understand the importance of this,” he told you. “You always wore a uniform.” You just shrugged; you didn’t have the energy to argue. You weren’t that bothered, truth be told. You were glad to see Joe making the effort to spend some one-on-one time with Tallulah while he still could, even if it was over FaceTime. Oddly, watching them made you miss Joe more, but you knew he’d be home soon enough.

September

Joe had to stay in LA until mid-September. He was quite disappointed about missing Tallulah’s first day back at school, though she didn’t seem to mind much. She was too busy reuniting with all her friends and getting to know her new class. You were glad she was happy to be back at school, and there were a few parents you were pleased to see again too. Many of them had already heard about your impending new arrivals, and those that hadn’t were made aware by your now very obvious bump. In any case they all seemed quite happy for you, which made for a very positive first day of school on all fronts.

You went to a doctor’s appointment by yourself while Joe was away. You didn’t mind particularly, but it felt a bit odd given he’d been so involved up to that point. Doctor Baker seemed surprised to see you alone. “No Joe?” she asked casually. “He’s away” you explained. “Working in LA.” The doctor nodded in understanding. “Of course.” There was a pause while you prepared yourself for the examination. “When you’re ready we’re going to do an ultrasound” Doctor Baker explained. “We should be able to find out the genders today, if you want.” I totally forgot I was getting to that point. Do I want to know though? You hesitated to respond. Wait, does Joe want to know? He should be here when we find out. If we find out. “I think I’d prefer not to know for now” you finally told her. “We can always find out later if we decide we want to know, right?” The doctor nodded. “Absolutely. You’ll have plenty more ultrasounds after this one.” Something to look forward to, then.

Joe was pleased when you told him you hadn’t found out yet. “I definitely want to be there when we find out what we’re having” he told you, when you were FaceTiming that night. “So you want to know, then?” “Yeah” he confirmed. “Don’t you?” You shrugged. “I’m not fussed. I never found out with Loolah, and-” “You weren’t desperate to know?” Joe was shocked. “I didn’t really care what I had, it made no difference to me” you explained. “Plus I didn’t want to freak Roger out, finding out before the birth wasn’t an option in his day.” Joe grinned. “Well it is now, and I don’t want to wait four more months to find out.” You smiled contentedly. “We’ll find out when you get back then.”

Finally the day of Joe’s temporary homecoming arrived. He would have to leave again in only a fortnight, but you were very glad to be getting him back in the meantime. Joe's eyes bugged out when he saw how much you'd grown since he'd been away. "Has it really only been three weeks?!" "Growth spurt" you shrugged. "Or maybe you just didn’t notice how big I was when you left. Anyway, welcome home." You smiled, leaning in for a quick, chaste kiss before Tallulah came barrelling down the hallway to greet Joe. You decided to leave them to it, and shuffled off back to the couch. You could hear Joe clumping around for a while, chatting with Tallulah and putting his things away. Suddenly it went quiet, and then you saw your husband flop down next to you. "Hi honey. I missed you" he told you, leaning over and giving you a deep, hungry kiss. "I missed you too" you murmured, as you broke apart. Joe put his hands on your bump, leaning down to kiss it. "And I missed- what was that?" he asked frantically, eyes wide with shock at what he'd just felt. "I think that was a kick" you told him, smiling. "Keep talking." "What?" Joe asked, confused. "They seem to like your voice" you explained. "Oh. Ok. Well, um, this job kinda sucks and I don't like the director at all. I mean-" Joe stopped abruptly, staring at you with a mixture of joy and shock. "They both kicked" he murmured, looking slightly teary. "Suddenly this all feels a lot more real." "Oh it's plenty real, darling" you told him, smiling broadly. “Yeah but… they’re really real. I have actual living kids in there” Joe marvelled. “I’m actually going to be a dad.” He was practically crying at that. “It’s going to be great Joe. You’re going to be great” you assured him.

Joe’s hands barely left your bump for days. He was determined not to miss anything while he was home, no matter how small. He was particularly excited about attending your next appointment now that you were going to find out the genders of your babies. Your twins weren’t identical, so both babies would need to be checked. You and Joe were both rather antsy as the ultrasound got underway. “Ok, we’re almost there” Doctor Baker told you, smiling at your obvious excitement. She peered at the screen for a minute. “So this one is Baby A, and it’s a boy.” You turned to Joe. “A boy!” he beamed, slightly glossy eyed. Your moment was broken by Doctor Baker clearing her throat. You turned your attention back to her. “I’ve found Baby B now, and it looks like…” You felt a flutter in your belly as you saw the baby turn away from you on the screen. “Well they’re not cooperating now,” the doctor went on, “but from what I saw before it looked like a boy too.” You and Joe were quiet as you digested the news. Two boys. Bloody hell. Your reverie was broken by Doctor Baker’s voice. “I feel I should warn you, with the ultrasound we can’t guarantee what we tell you is right, but I’m pretty confident about Baby A being a boy.” “You’re not confident about Baby B?” Joe asked her. “Not entirely, I didn’t get a very good look before they decided to hide.” “It’s fine” you assured her, wanting to get on with the appointment before Joe got worked up. Whatever happened, you’d deal with it when the time came.    

October

Joe spent quite a lot of October flying back and forth between work in LA and your home in New York. His shooting schedule turned out to involve a lot of three day breaks, just long enough for a quick visit home. You would have quite liked to spend most of them relaxing together, but Joe was determined to do as much baby preparation as possible while he was home, to save you the effort. He was thrilled to be having twin boys, and had dived into nursery set-up with gusto. He was determined to get the big things like the cribs sorted out nice and early, just in case. “You’re having twins, they’re likely to come early” he reminded you after you told him for the umpteenth time to relax. “They’re not due for months, Joe. Besides, the doctor said everything’s on track for January.” Your husband wouldn’t be persuaded. “Things can change very quickly. You never know when something might happen.” You stopped arguing the point when you realised he was never going to change his mind, and eventually Joe admitted he was doing it because he felt guilty about leaving you alone at home so much.

You weren’t actually alone very often though. There was Tallulah, of course, and plenty of your friends and family were dropping in regularly to check up on you (you suspected Joe might have told them how he worried about you). Joe’s mother was a frequent visitor, spurred by the desire to both help you and reassure her son. One afternoon you were sat with her drinking tea, not long after Joe had FaceTimed you. “So how was the daddy-to-be?” she asked. You smiled. “Same as usual. Annoyed he’s not here, missing us desperately.” Joe’s mother smiled affectionately. “Didn’t want to talk about work then.” “He never does” you told her. Suddenly Tallulah trotted up to the couch. “Did you say Daddy?” she asked eagerly. “We were talking about Joe, darling” you explained. Tallulah was confused. “But he’s not Daddy.” “He’s not” you agreed. “But he’s their daddy.” You patted your swollen belly, indicated Tallulah’s unborn siblings. “Oh.” Tallulah looked thoughtful; you wondered whether she understood. “Does that mean I have to call Joe Daddy when the babies come?” she finally asked. You smiled reassuringly. “Not if you don’t want to. But other people might” you explained. “Oh. Ok.” Tallulah looked unhappy at this development. “Could I make a suggestion?” Joe’s mum asked gently. “Loolah, do you remember how I told you Joe’s half-Italian?” Tallulah nodded. “Well the Italian word for daddy is ‘papa’. Maybe you could call him that instead?” “Papa…” Tallulah pronounced the word experimentally, testing how it sounded. Suddenly she smiled. “I like it!” She wasn’t the only one. Joe beamed when he heard her greet him with a happy “Hi Papa!” on FaceTime. We’re really a family now, aren’t we.

November

Joe had hoped his work schedule would continue to allow him frequent trips to see you, but it was not to be. He had one break before Thanksgiving, for a single day, which he spent alone in LA, desperately wishing he was home. As the weeks rolled on he was increasingly worried about how you were managing on your own. “I’m not on my own, Joe” you assured him down the phone. “Your mum visits twice a week, and Lucy texts me five times a day to check on me.” Lucy was coming to New York to spend Thanksgiving with Rami, and you were already making extensive plans to get together while she was in town. “I know she is, Rami told me” Joe grumbled. “I’m just worried that you’ll be alone with Tallulah and something’ll happen and I won’t be there to help.” His concern for you was evident in the tone of his voice. “Tallulah’s seven, babe, she’s perfectly capable of calling someone if we need help” you pointed out. “I suppose…” Joe sighed. “But what if they come early and I’m not there?” “You’re going to be back a month before they’re due, and even the doctor thinks they’re unlikely to come before Christmas.” Or so you thought.

Joe finally came home for Thanksgiving weekend, and the day after the holiday you had yet another appointment with Doctor Baker. Carrying twins meant you needed frequent checkups to make sure things continued to progress smoothly. This time you got some unexpected, and not entirely welcome, news. “So are you all ready for these guys to arrive?” the doctor asked pleasantly, while you were tidying yourself up after your examination. “Uh, kind of” you and Joe both stuttered. Doctor Baker looked slightly worried. “Well, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think you should be aware that realistically you could go into labour really any time from now on.” You were both shocked. “But isn’t it still too early?” you asked, suddenly scared. “I mean. I’m not due for another seven weeks.” Doctor Baker hurried to reassure you. “That’s true, and at this point it’s early enough that our first move would be to try and stop the labour, but that doesn’t always work.” You and Joe looked at each other with concern, not particularly reassured. “Look, I don’t think you’re going to go into labour tomorrow, and even if you did I would expect your babies to be absolutely fine” the doctor told you calmly. “But I would be prepared for them to arrive some time before Christmas.” “But that’s still three weeks early at least!” you spluttered. “Three weeks early is nearly full term” Doctor Baker said calmly. “And twins are very often born early. Not always, but it’s very common. In any case, I’m only telling you this because I think it would be a good idea if you started to make a plan now for what you want to happen when your babies do come. Just in case, you know. It never hurts to be prepared.” “Of course Doctor. Thanks for the advice” Joe replied, sounding calmer than he looked as you left the doctor’s office.

On your drive home Joe let the façade drop. “They can’t come yet, I’m about to be away for two weeks” he said, seemingly on the verge of panic. “And it’s still so early, what if one of them’s sick?” “They won’t be, Joe, we’re in good hands” you told him, not entirely believing it yourself. “Anyway, we definitely need to make a plan. I don’t want them to come while you’re not here either, but I’d much rather be at least somewhat prepared if they do.” “You’re right” Joe sighed. “When we get home we’ll work something out.”

In the end the plan you came up with mostly involved going to the hospital and ringing Joe as soon as possible so he could get on the next plane home. “What if I don’t get there in time though?” He fretted. “I’ll make sure to record it for you” you reassured him. “But they’re my first kids, I want to be there. I’m supposed to go through it with you!” You wrapped your arms around him in an attempt to comfort him. “I know, darling, I want you with me too. But sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want, and that’s ok.” Joe shook his head. “No it’s not. I don’t want to be that dad who wasn’t even there when his kids were born.” “You could never be that dad, Joe” you reassured him, pulling him close. “If you do end up missing it, it won’t be your fault at all.” Your husband suddenly peered intently at you. “How are you so calm about this?” “Last time I had a baby I had absolutely no way of knowing if the father would be there, and neither did he” you pointed out. “As much as he wanted to be there, neither of us had any control over it. This time we do, and I know you’ll move heaven and earth to get here in time if it comes down to it.” Joe still wasn’t entirely soothed, but he at least had faith you would be alright, whatever happened.

The knowledge that the babies could come at any time made Joe more worried than ever about leaving you alone while he was on the other side of the country. Fortunately, your wonderful friends were more than happy to step in when they were informed of the situation. Lucy was staying in New York until New Year’s, so she organised to visit you every day she could while Joe was away, and she promised to send Rami on the days she couldn’t. She even volunteered to be your hospital buddy if necessary. Ben also happily offered support, though of a slightly different kind.

“Uh, babe, would you be okay with a houseguest while I’m away?” Joe asked you at dinner, the night before he was due to fly back to LA. “Depends who it is” you said casually. “Why?” “Ben’s in town for press next week, and we thought maybe he could stay here, help you with Loolah til I get back.” That would be helpful. “How long’s he here for?” you inquired. “Two weeks, we’re gonna hang out for a couple days when he’s done working” Joe explained. “When’s he get here?” “Monday week” Joe told you. I’d only have to spend a week alone while Joe’s not here. You smiled. “Okay then.” Relief swept over Joe’s face. “Oh good. I feel a lot better about leaving you now I know you won’t be alone” he told you. “In the meantime I’m telling them they’re to stay put until you’re home again” you said firmly.        

December

True to her word, Lucy had visited you nearly every day after Joe returned to LA. The first day after Joe left turned out to be the one day she wasn’t free, so Rami dropped in to check on you instead. He insisted it was no trouble, despite his busy schedule. “I had a day off today, I wasn’t busy” he told you, after you thanked him for making time to see you. “Anyway, I’m always here for you and Joe. Me and Lucy. If you need anything, honestly, just call us, anytime. Even the middle of the night, we won’t mind. Seriously, we’re here to help however we can.” “Thanks, Rami” you murmured, hearing the sincerity in his words.

The first week without Joe passed surprisingly quickly, and before you knew it the day of Ben’s arrival was upon you. You were looking forward to having some adult company, but you were slightly nervous too. You’d never spent any substantial time alone with Ben, and now he was going to be sharing your house for a fortnight. Tallulah, on the other hand, was extremely excited about one of her favourite people coming to stay. So excited, in fact, that she tried to stay home from school to be there when he arrived. You eventually won the battle, but the whole process of getting her to school tired you out so much that you spent a lot of the morning napping on your couch. You awoke to the telltale sound of a car in the driveway, and waddled as fast as you could to the front door, opening it just in time to see a cab disgorge Ben, a large suitcase and two other bags.

Ben smiled when he saw you in the doorway. “Y/N!” he called out happily. “Don’t come out, I can sort myself. Go and sit down, I won’t be long.” You made agreeing noises, realising you wouldn’t be much help with anything in your present state. Besides, you were officially banned from heavy lifting, you wouldn’t even be able to help carry something. Several minutes of shuffling and yelling directions up and down your stairs later, Ben was settled into your guest room. When he came downstairs again he was smiling warmly. “It really is good to see you again, love.” “You too” you agreed. Ben’s eyes went wide when he finally got a good look at you, and your enormous bump. “God, you’re…” He trailed off, looking apologetic. “Go on, say it. It’s fine” you assured him. “Well then, you’re kind of huge. Joe’s told me about the bump, hell he’s even shown me pictures, but seeing the real thing… how do you even get that big and not, like, break?” “With great difficulty” you quipped. You weren’t offended by Ben’s honest reaction, you knew he was just a bit shocked.

Five minutes later you were sat on the couch nursing a cup of tea while Ben made himself a coffee. You were quite grateful to be sitting down as the monsters were suddenly restless. “I’m done here, do you want anything else?” Ben called from the kitchen. “I’m good” you called back. Ben returned to the couch to see you holding your tea rather gingerly while looking uncomfortable. “Are you alr- … what is that?” His eyes widened when he glanced at your bump and realised it was moving. You smiled reassuringly. “They’re just kicking. D’you wanna feel?” Ben grinned eagerly. “Yeah! If that’s ok with you?” “Of course it is. C’mere.” He’s so lovely. Half the planet doesn’t even bother asking before touching the bump. You placed his hand over the spot the babies were kicking at. His jaw dropped at the feeling. “That’s so weird! It must be weirder for you though, feeling that from inside.” You grinned. “It is a bit, but it’s sort of reassuring too, getting to feel that they’re still there, still ok.” Ben smiled. “Well it seems pretty cool to me.” You grinned back. “Oh, it’s very cool.” 

Tallulah was very excited to come home and find Ben waiting for her. “Benny!” She yelled, running over to embrace him. “Loolah!” He cried back. “You’ve grown so much since I saw you, you’re getting so big!” He gushed. “I heard you’re going to be a big sister soon too.” She nodded seriously. “Mommy’s having two babies. That’s why she’s so big.” Ben smiled. “I heard. Now come into the lounge room, I’ve got a present for you.” He smiled at you on the way past. “I’ve got a present for Mummy too.”

Ben had brought your daughter a kid’s cricket set, complete with plastic wickets. “She’s English, she shouldn’t be playing bloody softball” he quipped. “Also Gwilym may have told me I have to save her before she goes native.” You just laughed. For you, Ben had brought over a big jar of marmite and two large packs of Jaffa Cakes. “Joe told me you’d been craving them” he explained. You were surprised. “Joe talks to you guys about pregnancy stuff?” Ben smiled exasperatedly. “Mate, he hardly shuts up about it.” You smiled affectionately. “Not that it’s not cute how excited he is,” Ben said hurriedly, “but he’s barely talked about anything else for months.” Okay, I can see how that could get annoying. Still adorable though. 

Ben slotted surprisingly easily into the routines of your household. He was out working or socialising at various times of the day or night, but when he was home he was an excellent guest. He took Tallulah to and from school as often as possible, knowing leaving the house was fast becoming a big effort for you. He also insisted on doing as much housework as he could, helping you with washing, cooking and cleaning whenever he had time. “Joe’d have my head if he thought I’d left you to do everything in your condition” Ben joked one day, after you’d told him for the umpteenth time you were fine to do light chores. You didn’t particularly mind, if you were really honest, you actually quite liked having an extra adult around.

Joe finally came home in the second week of December. You shared a very long hug in the doorway when he finally made it home. He nearly cried with relief when he saw you. Of course he’d already known that you were ok before he left LA, but he’d spent two weeks worrying about what ifs, not to mention the several interminable hours he spent unable to talk to you on the plane. “If we ever have another I’m staying home the whole time, I never want to deal with that much worry again” he declared later. That night Ben had dinner at home with the three of you. Joe had wanted to go out, but he took one look at your expression when he suggested it and immediately changed his mind. During the meal he took a picture with Ben, which he posted to Instagram with the caption ‘Finally reunited.’ Naturally, his comments exploded in minutes, but he was too focused on catching up with both of you to care. 

You were so looking forward to spending a few days just relaxing with Joe now that he was finally home. But apparently your children had other plans. The very next morning you lurched awake at 5am with a sharp pain in your belly. You didn't think much of it initially, you'd been having all sorts of pains on and off for weeks. Then you realised you were lying in a wet patch. Well shit. "Joe." You tried to shake your husband awake gently. "Joe, wake up." "What?" he groaned, still mostly asleep. "I think my waters broke" you said urgently. He lurched upright. "It's go time? Even though it’s still five weeks early?" he asked, suddenly awake. "Looks like it" you said dryly. Joe leapt out of bed, looking frantic. "Shit. Ok. We need to get the bag, and get dressed, and-" "Joe, calm down. There's no need to rush, we've got plenty of time" you reassured your frantic husband. He immediately stopped babbling. "Well, you're the expert." You smiled. "Help me get dressed?" you requested. "Of course babe." Joe's eyes were soft and loving as he spoke. It took only a few minutes for you both to be ready to leave the house. But you had a couple more things to attend to before you could head to the hospital.

First Joe helped you across the landing to the guest bedroom currently occupied by Ben. He entered quietly with you waddling behind him. "Ben" he whispered urgently, nudging his friend, "Ben, come on." It didn't work, so Joe reached across to hit him gently with a spare pillow. "Ben!" Ben rolled over, groaning, only to snap awake at the sight of the two of you leaning over his bed. "What, what's going on?" he asked, concerned. "The babies are coming" Joe explained. "We have to go to the hospital." "Perfect timing" Ben quipped. "Yeah, if this had happened this time yesterday you’d have been driving me" you joked. "Look, I’m pretty glad this guys held off until now" Joe cut in. "But anyway, I know you're here for work but can you do us a huge favour and watch Tallulah today?" he added, pleading a little with his eyes. Ben smiled. "Of course I can. I think I'm actually free today anyway" the blond man told you both. "Great!" you smiled. "Now brace yourself, she's probably going to come and jump on you after we wake her." "So make sure you're decent under there" Joe added, as he helped you out of the room. Ben just groaned. It was too early in the day for humour. 

You had one more stop before leaving. Tallulah's room. "Loolie?" you said quietly, reaching over from the chair next to her bed. "Mommy?" she replied in surprise, peering at you sleepily. "It's ok darling, I just wanted to tell you the babies are coming today" you reassured her. "Today?" Tallulah echoed. "Yes, darling. Joe's taking me to the hospital in a minute" you told her gently. "Ben's going to stay and look after you, so be good for him, okay?" you instructed. "Yes Mommy" she murmured back. "Ok, big sister, I'll see you later" you said happily, leaning over to hug your daughter. "I love you" you whispered into her wavy blonde hair. "Love you Mommy" she whispered back. You felt oddly emotional as you kissed her goodbye and left the room. Next time I see her she'll be a big sister.  

You managed to stay calm while Joe helped you into the car. But almost as soon as you started moving you burst into tears. "You ok?" Joe asked casually. Your weird moods were nothing exceptional any more. "Mostly" you told him. "It's just hit me as we were leaving that Tallulah's not going to be my only child after today" you explained. "That's a good thing, though, isn't it?" he replied, concerned. "Of course it is" you assured him. "It's just that, it was just me and her for so long, and even after you came along we were so close, and now it's not going to be like that any more" you explained, rather sadly. "Babe, you're not going to lose your bond with Loolah just because you've got other kids to raise" Joe reassured you. "I mean, it's going to be different now, but a good different, right?" "Yeah, good different" you agreed. "Plus, she's so pumped to be a big sister, it's gonna be so cute" he told you, smiling. 

It was fairly quick, in the end. You had wondered whether Doctor Baker would attempt to stop the labour, but she told you the best option at this point was to let it happen. “You’re far enough along that your babies are more or less fully developed, even though they’re not quite full term” she assured you. “They’re very healthy, they’ll be perfectly fine.” She also gave you an injection soon after you arrived at the hospital to help the babies’ lungs develop. I don’t think it’ll have much time to work, but I suppose even a little bit helps.

Joe stayed at your side for almost the entire labour, holding your hand, rubbing your back and doing anything and everything you needed him to. Finally, just before noon, the first baby arrived. "Here he is!" Doctor Baker called out, as his piercing cries filled the room. You were flooded with relief when you heard it. His lungs must be ok then. Joe sniffled as he cut the cord, and then there was a sudden flurry of activity on the other side of the room as various people descended to check the baby over, concerned about the potential consequences of his early birth. The doctor had told you earlier that a team from the NICU would be present to check both babies immediately after delivery, but you couldn’t help worrying at the sight of the crowd around your tiny son. He was only five weeks early, but what if something was wrong? Fortunately, nobody in the room seemed overly concerned so far.

Moments later, calm descended, and a nurse came over to you, carrying your son in a loose blanket. "He’s a bit small, but he’s totally healthy” she told you, smiling. “You want to help keep him warm while we wait for the other baby?" she asked. You shook your head. "Dad gets first go" you told her, smiling. Joe was wide-eyed with wonder as she placed his baby on his exposed chest for skin-to-skin bonding, showing him how to support his son's body correctly. "Hey buddy" he murmured, in a sing-song voice. His overjoyed face when he looked over to you, barely holding back happy tears, was a memory you would treasure forever. "We have a son babe" he marvelled. "I have a son."

You smiled, then suddenly groaned. "I think we're about to have another o-aaargghhh!" "Alright Y/N, time to push again" Doctor Baker said brightly. Well duh. You could have slapped her if she'd been in reach. But then you looked back at Joe, happily cradling your son on his chest, while trying to hold your hand at the same time and looking desperately conflicted, and you suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of calm wash over you. It was strangely grounding as you gathered your remaining strength. Doctor Baker started gently talking you through the process, but your energy was rapidly running out. "Almost there Y/N, one more push now" she instructed you. "I can't do it any more," you cried, "I'm too tired." "You're so close now, just one more push" the doctor encouraged. "I can't" you cried again, shaking your head. Suddenly Joe squeezed your hand. "Babe, look at me" he said, voice low and soft. You turned to see him wearing an expression that was somehow adoring and determined at the same time. "I know you're tired, but you're so so close to the finish line. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, I know you can do this" he told you encouragingly. "Ok" you replied in a small voice. Joe smiled at you adoringly. "Now let's go. I'm right here with you." You gripped his hand tightly as you summoned one final effort. Moments later crying rang out through the room once again.

"Well done Y/N, you did it… oh, and it's a girl!" Doctor Baker announced. "What?!" you and Joe yelled simultaneously. "You said they were boys!" he spluttered, utterly shocked as he leant over to cut the cord again. You were rapidly becoming too exhausted to care much. The doctor was unfazed. "Well, I was wrong" she responded calmly. "Ultrasounds can be tricky to read sometimes, especially with twins. But I made a mistake, and I'm sorry about that." "It's ok" you replied. Joe still looked indignant, but at that moment a nurse came and placed your tiny daughter on your chest. His expression softened immediately, and he quickly broke into happy tears. "One of each" he sniffled, gazing between his newborn children. "We've got one of each now." You just smiled contentedly. "Yeah we do." Joe leaned over to kiss you gently. “You’re amazing honey, you really are. I love you so much.” You smiled contentedly at him “I love you too dear.”

You could have stayed there forever, you thought, just gazing at the two little beings you’d created. They would need to go to NICU soon, but they were breathing well and doing everything they were supposed to, so you were given some time to bond first. You spent the first half hour enjoying first cuddles and skin-to-skin time. You were actually encouraged to go skin-to-skin as much as possible to help the babies regulate their body temperatures. You were hardly complaining though. Joe eventually got out his phone to take some photos of you and the twins. You were very pleased you managed to capture some of him too, especially the heartwarming expression on his face when he did skin-to-skin with both babies at once for the first time. Soon after he took a similar picture of you, which he promptly sent to Ben to announce the birth. “Couldn’t resist, sorry. You just look so happy.” “So do you” you told Joe, grinning. He smiled. “I feel ridiculously happy right now.” Thirty seconds later Joe’s phone buzzed. “Ben says congratulations” he told you. “Oh, and he’s told Tallulah. He wants to know if he can bring her in to meet them yet.” Joe looked at you with concern. “Should we let him? Will they be ok?” he asked nervously. “Joe, they’re basically fine” you reassured him. “I’m sure the doctor would have told us if visitors weren’t allowed.” You smiled. “Tell him to head in. It’ll be nicer for Loolie to see them now anyway, before they go in the incubators.” Three minutes later Ben texted again saying they were on their way, and you and Joe spent a few minutes making yourselves presentable before settling in to wait.

Suddenly a pair of blond heads poked through the door. "Are you ready for a visitor?" Ben asked, smiling gently. "Definitely" Joe smiled. Ben stepped aside to reveal Tallulah, who rushed into the room with a happy cry. Joe stopped her just inside the door. "We need to be quiet and gentle, okay? The babies are delicate, we don't want to hurt them by accident" he explained. "Ok" Tallulah nodded gravely. Joe led her to your bed, where the babies were resting against your chest. "Hello Mommy" she said quietly. "Hi Loolie" you replied. "You're a big sister darling!" you told her happily. "Come and sit next to me so you can see them." "Ok" Tallulah beamed. There was a bit of awkward shuffling while Joe arranged a chair for her. During this interlude you glanced up to see Ben lurking at the door to your room. "You're allowed to come in, you know" you commented. "Oh, I don't want to intrude…" he muttered, slightly embarrassed. "You could never" Joe reassured his friend. Ben smiled at that. "Well, if you're sure…" "Yes" you and Joe insisted simultaneously. "Come on, I'll grab you a seat" Joe added, trotting off immediately.

You turned your attention back to Tallulah, now sat near your head. "Darling, this is your brother Joey" you told her, pointing to the baby on the right. "And this" you added, indicating the other baby, "is your sister. She doesn't have a name yet." Tallulah's face lit up at this news. "I have a brother and a sister? Cool!" You had to smile at how pleased she was. "Wait, she's a girl? I thought they were both boys" Ben chimed in, from his spot facing Tallulah's chair. "Yeah, so did we" Joe quipped. "It was a nice surprise though" he added, voice softening enormously. You smiled quietly to yourself for a brief moment, before Tallulah's voice broke through your reverie. "Can I hold them Mommy?" "Of course" you smiled. "Who do you want to hold first?" 

You had expected Tallulah might be extra pleased to have a sister, but she was equally entranced by both babies, evidently thrilled just to have siblings of her own. She seemed very comfortable holding them too, despite Joe’s nervous hovering and many reminders to “be gentle, they’re delicate.” Clearly she was a natural big sister. Ben, too, looked like a natural with a newborn in his arms, even if he was a little freaked out by just how small your babies were. "He's so little" he cooed, after being handed Joey by Tallulah, who was now gently cuddling her new sister. "Seriously, I don't think I've seen a baby this tiny before, and I've definitely never held one." "You're not nervous are you?" you asked half-seriously. "Little bit" Ben admitted. "I'm worried I'll accidentally hurt him cos he seems so fragile." Joe smiled reassuringly. "You're doing great, man" he told his friend. "They actually are kinda small though, even for newborns. But you’ll be fine, don’t worry about it." You thought both babies did look particularly tiny against Ben's muscly frame, but you said nothing. Joe, though, snapped a very sweet picture of Ben holding your daughter on his phone. “I have to preserve this image for posterity” he told you. Ben took some pictures too, after he handed the babies back to you and Joe. Your favourite was the shot he got of your whole family, gazing adoringly at its newest members. "You look so happy, guys" he commented, showing you the picture afterwards. You and Joe smiled contentedly at him. "We are" you replied. And you were.

You were well enough to be released after three nights in hospital. The twins, however, were required to stay in NICU for a few more days. “It’s mainly for observation” their doctor told you. “They’re doing very well, we just want to be sure there’s no issues before we let them go home.” You were reassured there were no concerns about your babies’ health, but it didn’t make it any easier to be forcibly separated from them, even if it was only when you went home at night.

The many hours spent watching over the twins in NICU proved somewhat useful, as you and Joe were now faced with the unexpected dilemma of choosing a name for your newborn daughter. You’d agreed long ago that your first son would be officially named after Joe, though you’d decided to nickname him Joey to avoid confusion. But discussions about girls’ names hadn’t gone very far before you’d been given the impression you were having twin boys. Since that impression had turned out to be incorrect, you were now facing an uphill battle to agree on a name for your little girl.

"Madison?" Joe suggested. "No. Too American" you responded instantly. “You do realise she is American?” Joe pointed out. You didn’t particularly care. “Only half. Anyway I don’t like the name. Any other ideas?” "Fine” Joe huffed. “Uh, Amy?” You considered it for a moment. “Amy Mazzello. Mhmm, maybe.” “Maybe?” Joe spluttered. “Well what’ve you got then?” “Matilda?” You offered. “I don’t like it” Joe replied. “Way too English. And, Matilda Mazzello?” “Yeah, that doesn’t sound great” you conceded. “Ooh I know! Poet” Joe suggested. You didn’t like it. “God no. We’re not Hollywood hippies, Joe” “You totally are a hippy” he snorted. You quirked your eyebrows. “What makes you say that?” “Uh, you called your first kid Tallulah Rainbow?” he pointed out. “Tallulah is a perfectly respectable name!” You protested. “Besides, the Rainbow part came from her father, not me.” “That… kind of makes sense” Joe conceded. “Still a bit hippy though.” “It’s really not” you grumbled, explaining the significance of the Rainbow Theatre in Tallulah’s life story. “Actually, that’s quite sweet” Joe admitted. Nevertheless, you and Joe were still struggling to find any names you both liked.

In the end, the solution arrived from a rather unexpected source: miss Tallulah Rainbow herself. “Amber” she suggested, when you asked if she had any name ideas to offer her sister. “Amber…” you and Joe considered. “Amber Mazzello…” “I like that” Joe told you. “So do I” you agreed. Joe feigned shock. “We both like it? I don’t believe it!” “Oh shut up” you grumped. “Anyway, do we want to try and find a middle name we can agree on, or just give her one name and be done with it?” “Actually, I was hoping we could slot in a Queen reference somewhere” Joe admitted. “I was thinking maybe her middle name could be Mercury?” “That’s such a cool name” Ben interjected. “It is” you agreed. “So, Amber Mercury Mazzello?” Joe suggested, carefully sounding out the full name for the first time. “Amber Mercury Mazzello” you repeated. “I love it.” 

You felt bad for messing up Ben's plans, but you could also see that having him around was an utter godsend while the twins were still in hospital. Despite supposedly being in town for work, he spent a lot of that week looking after Tallulah and generally being helpful around the house. This had the dual benefit of freeing you and Joe to spend most of your time with the twins, and ensuring Tallulah didn’t feel too left out in all the chaos. Ben did end up having to cancel a couple of interviews, but he didn’t mind too much. “They were group interviews, the rest of the cast still went, it’s fine” he assured you over dinner one night. "Besides, one of them was with Screenstuff, so I’m quite happy to have missed that." “With Marcie?” Joe asked, in a very sympathetic tone. “Yep” Ben replied. “Uhh, Screenstuff?” You asked. “Entertainment website. Marcie’s their main movie reporter and she’s… not the brightest” Joe explained. “Has a really obvious thing for Ben too.” You were confused. “Is… is that a bad thing?” “It is when I’m trying to promote a project and my body is all they ask about” Ben clarified. “Apparently she got all miffed when I didn’t turn up today, said half her questions were for me” he told Joe. Joe whistled. “Bet that went down well.” A sudden thought occurred to you. “You didn’t tell them where you were, did you?” you asked frantically. “Only the other cast members, and they didn’t tell anyone” he assured you. “They just told the reporters I was sick, no one’s going to work it out, don’t worry.” You were very relieved, seeing as no-one outside your immediate circle knew the babies had arrived yet, and you wanted to keep it that way at least until they were out of hospital. 

Finally, the big day arrived. The twins were finally released from hospital after six days in NICU. Joe was a bundle of nervous excitement as he very carefully placed them in their carseats and drove you all home. The excitement seemed to win out for most of the day, until you put both babies down for an afternoon nap. As you sank gratefully onto the couch, you noticed Joe staring into space with a rather stricken expression. “What’s up, love?” “It just hit me a minute ago…” he mumbled. “What just hit you?” You had a hunch about what was bothering him, but you wanted to hear him say it. “I just realised I’m now responsible for two whole human beings for the rest of my life, and I’m freaked out” he told you. “Like, I’m super happy that they’re here and they’re healthy and they’re ours, but…” You smiled gently. “I know you are, dear, I am too.” Joe suddenly looked at you with confusion. “Wait, why aren’t you freaking out right now?” “Been here before,” you said airily, “I’m still a little freaked out, I just knew it was coming.” You paused. “Plus, it’s less scary this time” you added. “It’s not so new and different, and I’ve got you.” Joe smiled at that. “Indeed you do. You’re not slightly terrified by having two though?” You waved a hand. “We’ll manage. There’s two of them, but there’s two of us too.”

Joe was slightly startled the following afternoon when he picked up his phone and realised he hadn’t even looked at Instagram in nearly a week. “It’s so weird” he muttered, scrolling through everything he’d missed. You wondered what he’d seen. “What’s weird?” “It feels like my whole world’s… shifted since I got home, but on Instagram everything seems exactly the same” he explained. “Even my Insta looks like I’ve just been hanging out with Ben all week, but I’ve barely seen him.” “Everyone knows Insta’s mostly not real life” you reassured him. “Yeah,” Joe agreed, “but this is such a huge thing in my life and it’s not there at all.” “Well, if you wanna announce it, feel free. We’ve told all our friends and families now anyway” you pointed out. Joe grinned excitedly. “You’re ready to tell the world about them?” “Absolutely.”

Joe agonised over his baby announcement post. In the end he picked a picture you’d taken of him with the twins dozing on his chest. He posted it with a lengthy caption: ‘So this week I was supposed to be relaxing with Ben… Instead I spent most of it at the hospital since these guys decided to make their entrance last Saturday, five weeks early. Everyone’s healthy, they just needed a bit of time to adjust to life earthside. Anyway, meet my new favourite people: Joseph Francis IV (but we’re calling him Joey) and Amber Mercury (she’s in the dino onesie) Mazzello. Also my wife is amazing and I love her so much more than I can ever express.’ Gwilym very quickly commented ‘So incredibly happy for all of you. Can’t wait to get over and meet these cuties!’ Lucy just posted a line of heart eyes emojis. Later on Brian left a lengthy note. ‘Delighted to hear these two arrived safe and healthy, if a bit ahead of schedule. Hopefully everyone’s adjusting well to their new roles. Huge congratulations and warmest wishes to you all. Bri’. Even Ben eventually chimed in: ‘They’ve stolen my man but they’re so cute I’m not even mad.’    

The next day you got a rude shock, when you realised that despite the lavishly decorated tree in your lounge room you and Joe had entirely forgotten Christmas was nearly upon you. By the time you remembered it was only a week away. “There’s so much to do” you fretted to Joe. “We’ve got to wrap everything and do cards and… shit, two of our kids don’t even have any presents yet.” “They’re a week old, I don’t think they’re gonna care” your husband tried to reassure you. It didn’t help. “But it’s their first Christmas, they’ve got to have something” you insisted. Joe smiled reassuringly. “Well in that case, I’d better go shopping tomorrow” he declared, kissing you gently.

Joe went out alone the next day. But he had a surprise for you. “You were worried about getting everything sorted in time, so I’ve called in reinforcements” he told you as he was leaving. You quirked an eyebrow. “Reinforcements?” “Lucy’s coming over later to help you out” he explained. It wasn’t the solution you’d been expecting, but it turned out to be a good one. With Lucy’s help you made surprisingly quick work of your to-do list, and by the time Joe got home the house was tastefully decorated and there was a small pile neatly wrapped presents under the tree. She even helped Tallulah bake and ice some Christmas biscuits for you all. Her reward was some time spent cooing over your sleepy newborns. “They’re beautiful, lovie!” All in all, everyone ended the day satisfied. 

Christmas Day was fairly peaceful in the end. You enjoyed a relaxing morning opening gifts at home ahead of Christmas dinner with Joe’s family. You and Joe had agreed not to go overboard on presents this year, knowing you’d have a lot of other things going on at Christmastime. But Joe did manage to sneak in a small surprise for you. “From Joey and Amber” he said, handing over one last parcel with a soft smile. You delicately undid the wrapping to uncover a framed copy of the picture Ben had taken of the five of you in hospital the day the twins were born. “Oh, it’s lovely!” you gushed, leaning over to hug Joe. “Thank you.” “Don’t thank me, they got it for you” he replied, grinning. You smiled. “You must have helped though.” “That I did” Joe agreed. “Well thank you for helping them” you told him, leaning in for a chaste kiss. “You’re the best.”

Joe’s family were very excited about meeting the twins, of course, but Tallulah had a lot of fun too, playing with her cousins and generally enjoying all the little treats of the day. You were glad to see her having fun; you’d been worried she might end up feeling a bit left out in all the fuss over her new siblings. She was very disappointed when you had to leave soon after the meal to get the babies home before their bedtime but she seemed happy enough to spend the rest of the evening watching movies and enjoying her presents.

Your family spent Boxing Day largely doing as little as possible. As always everyone was a bit flat after the excitement of Christmas Day. Except for Tallulah, who was very much looking forward to seeing Roger the next day. He arrived in the afternoon, and came to your house almost immediately to take Tallulah out for afternoon tea. You could tell by the way she was beaming when they returned that she had enjoyed the individual attention. Her expression seemed to highlight her resemblance to her father. Roger was slightly startled when he noticed. “Gosh, I’d never realised how much she takes after me.” “She looks more like you every day lately” you told him. “She’s grown up so much since I saw her last” Roger mused. “Well she is a big sister now” you pointed out. He smiled. “Ah yes. How’s she going with that, by the way?” “Very well, actually” you replied. “I was expecting her to be a bit jealous, but so far she just adores the twins. She loves holding them. Even got them Christmas presents.” Roger smiled with pride. “Well that’s good to hear. Hopefully the adoration continues.” You weren’t convinced it would but you still smiled. “Yeah, hopefully.” 

Roger had booked into a hotel, but he still stayed at your house until well past dinnertime every day of his visit. Tallulah was clearly very appreciative of the time with her father, even if she didn’t say it out loud. The days of Roger’s trip sped by, and suddenly it was New Year’s Eve, again. The day held many happy memories for you, but this year was going to be very different. Joe had called off his traditional party, knowing none of you had the energy for a late night. Instead, you were having a sort of open house afternoon to give all your friends an opportunity to meet Joey and Amber at a time that was easy for your family. Adjusting to looking after twin newborns was exhausting enough without trying to find the energy to organise visits every other day. Of course a few of your close friends had dropped in already, but they were a select group amongst your wider acquaintance.

You were amazed at just how many people showed up to meet the twins and have some lunch with you. Even Gwilym made an appearance. “Surprise!” he declared, grinning widely. “I had some time off, and I’ve been dying to see you all, so here I am.” He was amazed when he got his first glimpse of the twins. “Christ, I thought Ben was exaggerating when he told me how tiny they were.” “Would you believe they’ve already grown since Ben saw them?” Joe asked, beaming with pride. To be fair, they did still look ridiculously small in Gwilym’s arms. “They’re not that tiny now, are they?” Joe asked you in an undertone, as you both watched Gwilym enjoying his first cuddles. You smiled reassuringly. “They’re still a bit on the small side. But Gwil is also a bloody tree of a man, he’s making them look even smaller.” Joe laughed at that. 

Gwilym stayed all afternoon, helping here and there and generally enjoying some rare time with Joe. His relaxed mood seemed to have spread throughout your house that day, though the energy lifted considerably when Rami and Lucy finally arrived. Naturally Gwilym was thrilled to see them both, and they spent a long time lounging on your couches catching up. People gradually started to leave as the afternoon wore on, and eventually they were the only guests left other than Roger. Lucy smiled when she noticed this.

“Now that we’re alone, lovies, we’ve got something for you” she declared. Rami gently handed over a bulging gift bag. “Christmas presents. From all of us” he said softly. You started to protest but he waved it away. “Just open them. There’s something for all of you in there.” Indeed there was. The bag held a number of packages, each containing part of a matching set of red baseball shirts, made to look like the D-backs uniform from Undrafted. Yours and Tallulah’s had your surname on the back; the others were labelled Mazzello. Two of these were very small, although closer to toddler than newborn size. Rami looked apologetic. “That was the smallest we could get.” “Rami, they���re perfect” you reassured him. “They really are” Joe chimed in, sounding rather emotional. “Thanks man.” Lucy smiled. “I told him the important thing was that they matched.” You glanced at Joe, wondering why he was so incredibly touched by the gift. “You’re all on my team” he explained, before you could even open your mouth to speak. “You’re my family, even if you don’t all have my name, you’re all mine.” You smiled. “Honey, of course we’re yours. We’re your team.”    

You were still cuddling Joe when Roger suddenly appeared next to you carrying a couple of parcels. “I brought you a little something too” he said sheepishly. “The top one’s from Brian, by the way.” Joe looked surprised. “Brian sent us a baby gift?” Roger smiled. “Of course. That’s what friends do, you know.” Brian had given the twins a stuffed badger and a fluffy hedgehog. “Just a little reminder of their roots” the card said. You and Joe both laughed. “Brian and his hedgehogs. Typical.” Roger’s parcel contained a pair of onesies. One had a photo of John Deacon printed on the front, while the other featured Freddie Mercury. “I heard her middle name and I just couldn’t resist” he said, grinning mischievously. Joe grinned back. “Thanks Roger, they’re perfect.”

Midnight on New Year’s Eve. In years past you’d enjoyed the ritual of sitting up to watch the fireworks, or going out somewhere in search of a New Year’s kiss. This year, though, all you really wanted was to get some sleep. But of course the twins had other ideas. In the end, midnight found you and Joe sat together on the rocking chair, each soothing a baby back to sleep. Joe’s loving gaze suddenly shifted from his children to you. "Thank you" he said softly. "For what?" you asked. "I always wanted a wife, and kids, but before I met you I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me" he explained. "And now you've given me both in a single year." "I suppose I have" you mused. "So, thank you. For giving me everything I've dreamed of" Joe said, kissing you gently. "I love you so, so much." You smiled back. "I love you too, babe." You were both quiet as you tenderly set the twins back in their cribs. “It’s been a good year, hasn’t it?” you mused, as you and Joe returned to your bedroom. “It’s gonna be a hard one to top” Joe agreed. “It’s been magnificent.” And the best part was, it was only the beginning.

*******************************************************************************************

A/N 2: This is really the end for these guys now, and I’m a little bit sad about that. I’ve got one Tallulah oneshot I want to finish (there’s lots of Freddie in it, it’s a lot of fun) and then I’m going to take a break from this universe (for now anyway) and work on my ‘possible Freddie Mercury descendant’ story. At this point I’m planning on keeping it as a oneshot, but I’ll see how I go. Hopefully it doesn’t take as long as this one did!

Taglist: (send me an ask or dm if you want to be taken off) 

@wandering-at-midnight @fruityfreddie @trumanjo @ohmygoditsanthonyedwardstark @itsametaphorbriansblog @theedwardscollection @bookish-oreo @simplyvictoria-93 @kotoamor @j1224 @closertothesunwhenimwithyou @florenceivy @jennyggggrrr 

(line through means the tag didn’t work)

[mislovet2020]

My Dark Past and My Bright Future

They say everything happens for a reason and there is a purpose for every pain. This is my story of pain and how God revealed to me His wonderful purpose in my affliction.

Since I already shared in this blog a part of my dark past, I want to share this part of my life with no more hate but now with hope and love.

Almost exactly six years ago, February 01, 2014, I was harrased by my college professor inside a taxi cab. I was 17 years old that time and it was my first time in Quezon City that I trusted him na dadalhin niya ako sa sakayan pauwi ng Cavite. He took advantage of my innocence and naiveness. He sexually harassed me by touching my private parts, but that was not the worst part of that day. I was able to escape the ongoing horror because of the help of the taxi driver. But I was trapped by the horror of my past trigerred by such sexual harassment.

In a completely unknown place to me that time, Shaw Blvd. Station, I had flashbacks from my past that I can no longer remember. I saw myself in a bed and I was being abused. It was a clear picture in my mind but I can no longer remember any details. I was in panic and I was reliving the memory in my mind. I was shaking and when I came back to reality, I felt deep fear. I can no longer remember how I was able to go to the bus terminal on my own.

The flashback did not stop on that day. It continued until I saw the face of my abuser. I thought I was making it all in my mind. I realized that I had no memory of my childhood until my 11th year.

I Googled for answers and sought help of a psychologist. It is called dissociation and dissociative amnesia. It is a kind of a mental problem developed in the mind of a person who was victimized by a severe trauma. It is a product of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Slowly by the help of a professional, I regained parts of my memory. It was not easy for me to process and accept it. It was painful for me to see how ruined I was and to see the lies of the people I trusted and loved.

Based on the recollection of my memories, I repetitively suffered, almost daily, sexual abuse and rape which started when I was four years old, had a pause when I was in grade 5, and completely stopped when I had my first menstruation. I was abused by not only one person, but few other men whose names and identity I can no longer remember.

Whenever I see news of children raped and died from that incident, I can feel envy in my heart. I used to wish na sana namatay nalang din ako. Sa isip ko, maswerte sila at namatay nalang sila, they do not have to grow up bearing the heaviness of the trauma and abuse and enduring all its effect while living in the world's expectation that you should continue surviving because you have survived the worst.

My spirit and soul was crushed during that season when I was being helped by a professional in regaining back my memories and surfacing my repressed emotions to address it properly. I craved for justice which I was not able to receive. My life was covered in a thic dark aura of anger. But it is necessary. To be angry is necessary. But anger should not last for long. Anger is important to acknowledge that there is something wrong, but it is not an emotion that we should cherish in our hearts.

Because of the pain, I distanced myself from my family. At a young age, I started living independently. However, I also intended to walk away from the love of God.

Before all of these happened, I was a very godly person. I tried to settle my unknown issues with the Lord by always praying and reading the bible. From my rebellious ways when I was in high school, I tried to change when I started my first year in college. I felt His love but when tragedy came to me, I forgot to trust in Him.

Living away from the Lord and my family, I did a lot of terrible things to cope up with the tornadoes in my mind. At the age of 18, I was living in with my then boyfriend. We had a baby, which I lost.

I became alcoholic, and I started smoking cigarettes. I also became addicted with downers.

It 2016 I went back to my province. My lifestyle got worse. But despite of all the bad things I was doing, I know I was still fighting for my future. I graduated as the first and only Magna Cum Laude of my course in my Alma Mater. I took pride of myself that I was self sufficient during those times by doing buy and sell and hair and makeup. Right after graduation when I had nothing to do, I enrolled in a State University and took Education units. Sabi nga nila, para akong dual personality, doble kara. One was an achiever and the other was a devastated person.

When I was in Cavite, I had this "ex boyfriend" nung high school na naging close ko ulit. He became my best friend during those times and he was the one who encouraged me to look for a work related sa tinapos ko instead of pursuing hair and makeup and buy and sell. He also encouraged me to continue law school.

Lahat ng job offers sakin, di ko tinanggap, actually including an offer from the Department where I am currently working. I was already accepted for work in DFA in 2016 just after my graduation, but I told the Human Resource Office that I will not accept the job because I do not want to work yet and that I find myself still earning big through my passion.

2017, more than a year passed, I received a call from DFA. The Department was again offering me a job and that I will have an interview kinabukasan. I was hesitant to go for it pero I was looking at my worsening self who was slowly turning to be addicted in wrong stuff, I decided to go to the interview and hoped that this might change me for the better.

I will never forget the interview question asked to me by the HR Director, he asked me what is the most difficult problem I faced in my life and how was I able to survive from it. I was honest enough to confess that I was an abuse victim and that I became suicidal, but I did not give up in life and despite of it, I was still able to stand up and continue in life and survive college with flying colors. He told me that in the job that I will have, I will deal with traumatized people, also victims of rape and abuse. He told me I am a perfect fit for the job not just because of my good college record but because of my personal experience.

After the interview, I also went to Arellano University and inquired about its program for working student.

I was accepted in an extraordinary job where I found the purpose of my pain. I was able to talk with a lot of distressed individual, some suicidal, majority are hopeless. I had empathy with them and I became effective in communicating with my clients. Some of them became my friends.

I had a travel in Jeddah where we assisted some mentally ill wards. During the travel, there was a ward in the shelter who was raped by her employer repetitively. Her body was shivering. I saw myself in her. I was like that when I was in Shaw Blvd. when I had the first flashback of my trauma. I sat beside her, held her hands and prayed for her in my mind. I told her nothing is ok with her situation, but she needs to stay on ground for her to survive. Tinanong ko siya bakit gusto mong lumaban, sabi niya para sa anak niya. Tinanong ko kung magkakaso ba siya, sabi niya oo pero natatakot siya kasi maalala niya lahat, binigyan siya ng Embassy ng abugado dahil malakas ebidensya niya. Sabi ko sa kanya, tingnan mo yung mga kasama mo sa shelter, ilan diyan ang nirape pero walang pagkakataon kagaya mo na ilaban ang hustisya. Sabi ko sa kanya, magpakatatag siya at ituloy ang laban, di lang para sa kanya pero sa lahat ng katulad niya ang pinagdaanan. Nawala yung nginig sa kanyang katawan at umiyak siya sa akin. Tinuruan ko siya ng mga tinuro sa akin ng psychologist ko dati kung pano babalik sa reality kapag nag didissociate. Di ko na siya muling nakausap pero tiningnan ko records ng case niya sa office, nanalo siya sa kanyang kaso at naka uwi siya ng Pilipinas. I never thought that my understanding of the pain in that kind of situation will give justice and freedom in the life of another person.

I had another case na naging guardian ako ng ward na may amnesia. I really cared for her. I visited her in the mental hospital from time to time until she was able to trust me to reveal some of the memories she already remembered. Alam ko yung hirap na magka amnesia, pero mas mahirap yung kanya kasi sa kanya total amnesia. But I did not give up on her, I made her feel na kahit wala siyang matandaang pamilya sa Pilipinas, na she has friend and family in me. Until she was able to remember her true identity, her real name and her province. Finally, there is hope.

My job has truly served some purpose to my pain. In 2018, a dream of my life came true. I was able to invest to have a space na para sa akin. I now have a condominium. I partly blamed my abuse na we had to co-live with extended family dahil wala kami sariling bahay. I also did well in law school.

I gave up my addiction with downers. It did not serve any good thing to me. The only things I was not able to give up were my excessive drinking and smoking.

But another bad coping mechanism was developed. When I broke up with my long time boyfriend, I found myself not valuing my body. I did casual sex, no strings attached relationship with some men.

I thought I was already recovered in 2018. I thought trauma was no longer ruling my life until I faced turn around events in 2019.

January 2019, I learned that my grandfather, my abuser, was terminally ill. He was suffering from cancer. Again, I was forced to face my reality and felt every single pain from my past. I was thorned between distancing myself from my family or be with them in this difficult time. But I did not know what should I feel with the situation.

February 2019, it was his birth month. My family asked me if I could show up and at least give him love during the last few days of his life.

On his last birthday, February 19, 2019, I went to work and somehow decided not to show up. But I cannot function that time, so I decided to go home. I first went to my condominium to cry out all my anger away. I told myself that such was the time that I should face him and forgive him. However, when I went home, di na siya makausap nang maayos. Noong nakita niya ako, sabi niya sa akin indirectly, na magpatawaran at magmahalan.

Hindi ko alam ano mararamdaman ng mga oras na yun. Ilang oras palang nakakalipas, nag seizure siya at nawalan ng pulse. Nag iiyakan lahat sa kwarto, ako nakaupo lang sa kama. Nung nirerevive siya, at dumilat siyang muli, ako ang una niyang nakita. May luhang pumatak sa kanyang mata habang nakatitig sa akin. Tumakbo ako sa banyo at doon ako humagulgol ng iyak. Hindi ko alam anong emosyon ang nananaig, galit, pagmamahal, pag sisisi, sakit, lungkot, pang hihinayang.

March 05, 2019, he finally left the world. Di ko maintindihan kung bakit ako naging sobrang abala sa burol niya. Noong namatay siya galit parin ako pero lahat ginagawa ko para maging maganda yung kanyang burol. Walang luha at pag iyak ako noong burol niya at libing. Pero pagkatapos noon, para akong hindi makabalik sa normal na ako. Di ko alam kung nagluluksa ako pero kasabay noon pagbalik lahat ng masakit na ala-ala. Nilulong ko sarili ko muli sa pag inom ng alak. Hindi nanaman ako muli makatulog tuwing gabi na walang alak sa katawan.

May 2019, noong mga panahong akala ko nagagawa ko na muling makabalik sa normal, may nangyaring masama ulit sa akin. A person whom I treated as a close friend took excessive advantage over me. He attemptedly raped me and he tried to commit suicide in front of me. Once again, I felt defenseless. I had anxiety knowing the background of his work and the syndicate he works with. All my past trauma surfaced when I was again placed in the same scenario. Because of my fear, I let myself to be used and manipulated by him.

In June 2019, I became close with someone. He was my boss and I always admire him. I was full of fear during those times. One time when we were both drunk, I intended to be with him and not to be dropped at my condominium because I know that this syndicate person was stalking me. I was afraid of my wellbeing and I honestly wanted to escape from his manipulation.

I never thought that this person, my boss, ang mapagkakatiwalaan ko. I had no friend that time who knows the misery I was in. I enjoyed his company and he became the ray of sunlight in my seemingly dark situation. I remember the day na sinabi niya sa akin na mahal niya ako, sabi ko sa kanya wag niya akong mahalin dahil magulo akong tao, magulo buhay ko. I suddenly burst out all my past to him inside his car. I told him how miserable my life is. But he was stubborn, he still continued to love me despite of my dark past. I also fell in love with him until the time we both decided to have a baby. It was fast. But all I saw that time ay ito na yung pagbabago ng buhay ko na inaantay ko. I depended on him sa maraming bagay.

When I learned I was pregnant, I suddenly felt fear. Yung takot na baka mangyare sa baby ko lahat ng pinag daanan ko. Pero nasa flight ako and I was reading a news paper, nabasa ko yung message sa our daily bread regarding fear and the Lord's promises.

Few weeks passed, my pregnancy became toxic. I had bleeding and attempted miscarriage. My partner was with me during all those times. He made us his priority and took care of me which I all took for granted because of one unsettled issue from my past which suddenly surfaced.

I was informed that the professor who harassed me in college was applying for work in the Department. I was in extreme panic. I asked may partner for a favor na harangan yung application niya. But he seems negative with the idea. I became angry with him. Lumabas lahat ng galit ko sa mundo. Galit ko sa injustices, and I questioned bakit hinahayaan ko nalang mamuhay ng normal lahat ng sumira sa akin. Bakit kailangan kong ingatan reputasyon ng mga tao. Bakit kailangang ako yung mag suffer habang sila normal lang. Pagod na ako maging mabuti sa mga tao.

Because of that anger, I found myself again in a depressive state. Again, I lost my reality. I made a major conflict between me and my partner. I had issues with him because I need to adjust for his image and reputation. I know di ako sa kanya galit, pero galit ako sa sitwasyon. Imagine all my life, I needed to keep myself silent just to keep the reputation of people. I deprived myself of justice I deserve, just to protect the image and reputation of people. And there I was again, protecting my partner's image and reputation. Although I understand him and I know keeping the identity of my child's father is the best thing we could do, pero yung anger ko from my past was being triggered by it. I was only in that point na pagod na ako. Pagod na akong magtago. Pagod na akong mag protekta sa mga tao. I lost my love because of anger. I lost my self control.

November 2019, I had a session with a psychologist. He asked me what is my problem. I told him, wala po akong na process na problema. Sunod sunod yung mga nangyare sa akin mula January and wala akong na process na emotion. Sabay sabay pa problema.

November 30, 2019, umiiyak ako while nasa Team Building ng office. Wala na akong mapagkuhanan ng pera, nag pull out yung tenants ko sa condo. I no longer know how I will handle everything at once.

First day of December, I went to a church service in Manila. Ang message is sa Matthew 6 about surrendering worries to the Lord.

" But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and ALL these things WILL BE GIVEN to you as well. "

Matthew 6:33

This striked into my heart. However, the following days were not easy. Nasanay ako na kaya ko ang sarili ko and that I can fix things by my own. I tried fixing all my problems only to find myself extremely exhausted with no positive result.

December 19, 2019, I was alone in my condominium crying in agony for hours, begging the Lord if he really loves me why I should experience all these things. I am crying na pagod na pagod na ako. An ate, a friend, suddenly called me. She wanted to pray for me. In her prayers, she was asking God to give me rest, to give my heart peace and rest and that I may experience God's perfect love and peace.

December 20, 2019, I had a pre-term labor because of physical tiredness from work and emotional stress. I though I would lose my baby. The doctor recommended complete bed rest.

I never thought that total resting is one of the most difficult things to do because sometimes it means taking down your pride and staying still and surrendering your long list of task to do to God. It is acknowledging that although you know you can be self-sufficient, God wants you to go to His embrace, in His resting place.

During my bed rest, I decided to just dwell in prayer and in reading the bible. Since my baby loves hearing me sing when he is awake, one song I love to sing to him is the lullaby Yes Jesus loves me. One time I was singing that song and I cried tears of joy knowing that Jesus loves me and that I can trust in His unfailing love. It also made me realize that His love is not only for me but for all and that I should be a vessel of His love. One by one, I released forgiveness. I forgave my abusers, my family, the situations I've been through. I forgave my partner for not being able to understand me and be there with me when I needed him most. I forgave myself too.

During rest I learned to put all my worries to God. One by one, I see how God works. My tenants returned and they paid their rents. Most of all, I felt peace and love in my heart.

With the father of my child, I was ready to just let him go. But one day, I woke up from a dream and I felt in my dream how heavy his problems are. The Lord made me feel this so I started praying for him everyday and sometimes, more than once per day. When I felt hopeless in our situation, I read a quote "love never gives up." While reading the bible, God impressed me that when you love, it is not about what you need, what you want. When you love, it is always what is best for the person you love. I know that only God's love is best for all and so I surrendered everything to Him. I remain hopeful that we will still be ok for the sake of our child. I believe in God's love for us.

It did not stop there. When I started surrendering to God all my worries, miracles start to happen. First with my tenants. Second, with the result of his exam.

I felt lacking for my child. I felt anxious from the very beginning of my pregnancy because of my dark past. But the Lord did not leave not forsake me. Everything that has happened was just in preparation of what is yet to come.

While resting in God's love, I am slowly finding the purpose of all the problems and worries, and it is for God to reveal His glory in seemingly dead situations.

I never thought that having a true change and breakthrough could be evident in my physical looks. Yesterday, a friend told me that I look different these past few days. He told me I look better and beautiful. It is not because of my face, but because he can see that I am putting myself above my worries. It is not just me above my worries, but it is God above my worries, above my traumas, above my fears, above my problems, above my broken relationships, above my hopes, and above my desires.

It is true, when you seek God first, he will give all the things you need at the right time in the right season.

[bee-kathony]

Four Years | July 29th, 2014

January 2nd, 2014 - February 15th, 2014 - March 8th, 2014 - April 12th, 2014 - May 2nd, 2014 | Year One - June 13th, 2014

Year One - July 29th, 2014

The past forty-four days were some of the darkest days of my life. My cheeks no longer remembered what it was like to smile. I could try and sugar coat this by saying that it wasn’t all that bad but chemo sucks and brain tumours suck and they can all go fuck themselves.

Countless nights I spent awake in pain. Not even Jamie’s touch comforted me anymore. I was a shell of who I once was. It sometimes annoyed me how much Jamie was there for me. I should be grateful. I should be more appreciative of the fact that he had been sleeping in hospital chairs and missing so much work, leaving it all to Murtagh. It was the fact that I knew deep down I was wrecking his life.

If he hadn’t met me then he would be happier, that’s what I tell myself when I catch him dozing off in the chair beside me.

“Jamie,” I whisper, my foot stretching out to nudge against his knee.

He pops his head up and with a wide eyed gaze he comes back to life. “Sassenach, are ye alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” I can’t help but be short with him. It’s not his fault. It’s this damn medication.

“We don’t have any food in this house and I’m starving for once.” My stomach rumbles, confirming my need.

Jamie leans up and stretches his hands above his head, a tiny sliver of skin shows as his shirt raises. My eyes drift down his body and I feel nothing. Once, I wanted to pounce on him, lick his face and make love to him until the end of time. A bit dramatic, Beauchamp.

I love him, God do I but I didn’t feel sexy, didn’t feel like I was desirable anymore. Brain tumours are a turn off, in case anyone ever wondered.

“What are ye in the mood for, Sassenach?” He asks me cheerfully.

“I don’t know, just something that won’t make me sick.” Good luck finding that.

He stood to his feet and walked past me on the couch, then I felt a kiss on the top of my bald head, the scarf had been irritating my skin. “I love you, Claire.” He took a breath or was it a sigh and left the loft, keys in hand.

Tears of frustration begged for release but I wouldn’t give in. I wished so badly that I could show him how much I loved him. If we made it out of this alive then I would. I would show him with my mouth, with my hands, with my words I would tell him everything I loved about him.

What I needed right now was my little ball of fluff, Adso. Geillis had brought him over for a visit just last week and it pained me to see him leave. I was looking forward to the day when his little paws roamed the floors of this home.

My spot on the couch had become like a cocoon, a protective layer that encompassed me in warmth when I needed it and a shelter when I couldn’t stand to lay next to Jamie in bed, his body heat leaving me drenched in sweat.

An hour later, after finishing yet another episode of “Queer Eye”, a knock came from the front door. Who the hell could that be?

I rose weakly from my dip in the couch and padded over to the door, “What, did you lose your keys, Fraser?” He’d done it before, dropped them out of his hands and they’d fallen down in between that little spot between the elevator and the hallway.

Opening the door, it wasn’t Jamie I found, but a short, brown haired woman with brown eyes starting back at me.

“I’m probably no’ the Fraser ye were expectin’ but I ken the one ye were.” She smiled brightly but I still couldn’t place her.

Flustered, she stretched her hand out for me to shake and I gripped it like a fish, the strength in me gone a long time ago. “Jenny Fraser,” she said, “Jamie’s sister.”

Oh. I’d never actually seen pictures of Jamie’s family and suddenly I felt selfish for not having asked. We spent so much time focusing on me and my health that I had neglected him.

“Please,” I stood back from the door, “Come in, Jenny. Jamie should be back soon, he just went to grab some food.” Looking at the clock on the oven panel I realised that was over an hour ago, where was he?

“I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, Claire,” so she knew my name? “I was in Edinburgh for work, ye see I help manage the books at the Distillery and needed to visit some of our clients up here.” She had a rather cheery yet commanding disposition. Not unlike her brother, I thought.

“Oh, I didn’t know you worked with Jamie and Murtagh!” I led her over to the living room and took my place back in my cocoon. “He told me about your father’s passing, I’m very sorry.”

“Och, dinna fash, was a long time ago.” Waving her hand in the air, she then looked around at the loft like she’d never seen it. Maybe she hadn’t.

“Is this the first time you’ve been to Jamie’s loft?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

Nodding, I saw something in her, a hesitancy almost. “Claire…” she met my eye, “Ye ken about Jamie’s scars? On his back?”

“Yes. I’ve seen them,” a blush creeped it’s way up my neck, “He told me about the plane crash and his recovery.”

Jenny pressed her lips together and fiddled with a loose string on her pants. “I’ll bet my life that he didna tell ye the full story,” she smiled and it didn’t make me nervous to hear this, only more interested.

“Well, why don’t you tell me and we’ll see if he has.” Leaning back against the softness of the cushions, I settled in as Jenny began to speak.

“There was a plane crash, that did happen. All of it, the recovery in the hospital, his arse in the air for everyone to see while his back healed,” she laughed and then continued, “during that recovery though, he wasna awake for most of it, ye see, Claire… and I dinna mind sayin’ this cause yer a doctor. His flesh it — it’d been shredded, parts of it down to the bone.”

“This is the part he probably didna tell ye.” My heart rate quickened then, anxiety creeping in. Was it a secret lover? Was I a mistress or did he have one? So many thoughts raced through my mind in the five seconds that Jenny paused before continuing.

“Our father, his name was Brian, one day he looked at Jamie and I could see the pain in his eyes. His only son, practically torn from him.” She gritted her teeth, “He had a heart condition but we didna ken that until the autopsy. My Da took one look at Jamie lying there, helpless on the bed and collapsed. It didna even matter that we were in a hospital when it happened.” Jenny sniffed and I reached forward to hand her a tissue from the box on the coffee table.

“Thank ye,” she took it and blew her nose, “The worst part was that Jamie didn’t fully wake up for another week and a half and by then we’d already had the funeral. We couldna wait for him to wake since we werena sure he ever would.”

“Oh Jenny, I’m so sorry.” While she told me, I had begun to picture it all in my mind. Jamie lying there, oblivious to the happenings around him.

“So when he finally did wake up, we were so happy as ye can imagine. Murtagh and I called the nurses and doctors right away. They checked him out and said that he would be okay but needed to remain on his stomach to heal properly. He asked about Da then,” Jenny looked down again at the loose string. “I ken he could see it in our faces before we even told him. He thought it was all his fault ye see, that if he hadna gotten hurt that Da would still be alive today.”

“He really thought that?”

“Aye, a stubborn wee fool he is, my brother. After he healed, I tried to get him to come home, to Lallybroch but he wouldna have it. He went back to his apartment, this was back before he moved here to Edinburgh, and shut himself off from us. The damn fool thought it was better if he wasna there to remind everyone of what he’d done.”

My heart was breaking for Jamie. I knew why he wouldn’t have told me the specifics of his father’s death, because he blamed himself. I began to understand why Jamie was the way he was, strong, caring and maybe a bit over protective at times. He’d seen me at my absolute worst but chose to stay. He chose to love me when I only had the smallest amount to give him back.

“That’s why I’m here, Claire. Ye see, I started working at the Distillery only four months ago.” My diagnosis was four months ago.

“Jamie came to work one day and told Murtagh that he needed an extended amount of time off. It’s his own business so he can do what he likes of course but Murtagh couldna handle it all on his own. Ye ken of course Jamie has had to work a little here and there I’m sure. I knew yer name because I overheard him talking to Murtagh about ye when he popped in one day.”

“After the accident and my father’s death, Jamie did shut himself off.” Jenny took another tissue, “But after a year he reconnected with Murtagh but he didna talk to me save holidays.”

I moved over on the couch to be closer to her and took her hand in mine. “I always thought I musta been a reminder of what he thought he’d done. When I overheard him say that the woman he’d been seeing, Claire,” she smiled at me, “was sick and he needed to take care of her — well it broke my heart. I’d always wanted to be there for Jamie when he finally gave his heart to another.”

“You still can be, Jenny.” I squeezed her hand, weakly but she returned it.

“Now I see ye and ken it’s no’ the flu,” her hand reflexively pointed up to my head and it was then that I realised I had been talking to her this whole time without my head covered. Usually when Joe or Geillis had come over I would wrap my head up in a scarf, I didn’t need to constantly be reminded that I wasn’t me anymore.

Before I could say anything the sound of keys jingled from outside the door. “That’ll be Jamie.” I released her hand and watched as the door opened and he stepped in, carrying three large bags of groceries.

“I didna ken what ye wanted so I bought… well I bought everything, come and take a —“

“Hi bràthair.” Jenny stood and walked over to the kitchen. I stayed seated and watched all of this from my spot on the couch.

“Jenny,” he sighed, “What are ye doin’ here?” His eyes shifted over to me and I just smiled.

“I came to see ye, it’s been so long and I —“

“I dinna want to see ye Jenny so if ye dinna mind,” he crossed back to the open door, “please leave.”

I thought Jenny would leave as she walked over to the door but she slammed it shut instead. Stubborn, just like her brother.

“Jamie Fraser. Ye havena talked to me and I mean really talked to me in almost four years. I hear ye talkin’ to Murtagh about a woman yer seeing and all I ken is her name,” her hand pointed back to me, “and that she’s ill.” Jenny crossed her arms and Jamie looked fully enraged. “But I didna ken it was like this Jamie. Ye shoulda reached out, ye know I woulda helped. Been there for you and her.”

Jamie was radiating with anger, his body shaking as he took hold of Jenny’s arm and started walking to the bedroom. Of course, we lived in a loft, a rather spacious loft but the bedroom didn’t exactly have walls to keep out unwanted noises.

Sighing, I leaned further back into the chair and listened to Jamie and Jenny hash it out, what other choice did I have?

“I know ye blame yerself, Jamie. For Da.”

“Ye dinna know what I blame myself for, Jenny.” He whisper-shouted back.

“Aye, I do. After Da passed ye shut everyone out. Ye thought it better that way, thinking it was yer fault and ye were a reminder of Da’s passing.”

“I was a — aye… I did shut myself out. But only cause I thought ye couldna bear to see my face. It’s cause of me, Jenny and you know it is!”

“Jamie…” a pause.

“He died and I wasna even there to say goodbye.” I wasn’t sure but it sounded like Jamie was crying.

“Ah bràthair, yer face is no’ too good lookin’ but I could bear to see it. All this time I thought ye hated me.”

“No, Jenny, I dinna hate ye. It was you who I thought hated me, for takin’ Da away from you.”

This heart to heart was gut wrenching to listen to. Jamie had blamed himself for so many years and distanced himself from the only sister he had. And Jenny had spent all this time thinking she was to blame.

“Yer a fool, James Fraser and ye know it. Can we have this over and done wi’ now? I’d like to have ye back in my life and I’d really like to ken yer woman out there.”

“Aye. As long as ye forgive me?”

“Of course bràthair.”

I turned my face forward as I heard their approaching footsteps. Jamie came up behind me and rested his hand on my shoulder.

“Mo nighean donn, I need to feed ye.”

“Yes sir, you do.” He laughed, a sight I hadn’t seen in awhile. Seeing the joy on his face stirred something in me that I feared had been lost.

“Will you stay and eat with us, Jenny?” I asked, noticing her looking over towards the door.

“Aye,” Jamie answered for her, “She will.”

We spent the evening eating, drinking - water for me - and telling Jenny of how we met. Our embarrassing, on both ends, encounter in the men’s restroom. The first date we had and finally my diagnosis. It was nice to meet someone that was so much a part of Jamie. All throughout dinner he kept his hand on my thigh and I felt that thing stir in me again; hope.