#berty

[pommur]

Simon and Betty genderbend be like:

Simone when giving birth: Just put my hand on your face my sweet prince, it’ll be the last thing I’ll ever feel.

Berty: Honey, the baby is already out. Your holding her…

Simone: … I just crammed another human being out of my clown hole for you. Let me be dramatic! *pouts*

Berty: Okay, okay. What ever you want, sweetie. *takes her hand and sets it on his face* *has the desire to say their inside joke of ‘don’t be a wimp’ which he frequently tells her but would never say it during such an event*

Simone: Aren’t you gonna say the thing, Berty? *sweaty and looks like she’s going to cry*

Berty softly: Oh, honey. Don’t cry, don’t be a wimp.

Simone: *sniffles* I love you. *happy but emotionally charged crying*

Hospital Staff: *angrily stares at Berty*

Berty: … I swear I’m not picking on her. Well not today… I would die for her… Please don’t kick me out. *is nervous*

Simone after squeezing out their child:

Berty after all the nurses start glaring at him:

[h1nanii]

Minors dni 🌞

They just love killing everyone with the biggest dick

Like everyone who reaches the height of 6’+ ft has to die.

Most of em were probably virgins too like atleast give them some 🐱 first (preferably mine😋😋) 😓

But maybe not porco, bro seems like the type to go to a brothel/ strip club during his free time and get all the bitches on him cause he’s an honorable marleyan ☠️

Poor Berty with that fuck ass haircut had to last only 3 seasons(not if u count s1 part 2 and s3 part 2) but yeah Yk he woulda been whimpering and all of he wasn’t so whipped for Annie (I am too Ngl).

Erwin coulda had some pussy if he wasn’t so buried for his dreams(quite literally 🪦) but now that I think about it…. Didn’t he get his bitch taken by his friend back when he was a cadet or something? Poor guy.

Mike/miche was gone too fucking soon

Y’all remember what Doja said right? Exactly. Imagine riding that bigass nose of his😍 (I need help) he had good character too💔����

[lindholmline]

since bert’s contract is in the works…

[akiwitch]

Hello!! I'd like to know more about the very small toad.

the VERY SMALL TOAD.

Bertrand was a librarian, ages ago, before the library was sealed up and disappeared. When he was reawakened, he wasn't anywhere near his body (and probably didn't want to be) and ended up in the only available nearby vessel - the body of a very small toad.

Berty is funny, knowledgeable, and a loyal friend. He's also PURPLE and ADORABLE.

And the best boy. The absolute top he/him. There are only two he/him characters in the whole book but he's the best by far.

OURPLE

Also part of his first appearance because it's funny and I love him.

Bertrand glanced down at himself. He was a dark purple, with lighter purple markings, speckled with gold. “A type of harlequin toad, if I’m not mistaken. Am I mistaken? I don’t know how versed you are on amphibians.” “Does that really matter right now?” Andi asked. “Well, several species of harlequin toads are poisonous, so it probably matters—“ Andi dropped him with a squeak and wiped her hand on her skirt. “Hey! That was extremely rude.” Bertrand righted himself. “You can’t just drop a person! Who taught you manners?” “You just said you could be poisonous,” Andi shot back. “Let’s start over, I believe we got off on the wrong foot,” Bertrand said. “Particularly the one that you were going to use to step on me.”

[kettykika78]

I absolutely had to see Sherlock and John walking through the streets of an Umbrian village with my own eyes after reading this perfect fic by Berty @bertytravelsfar . Not having time for a drawing, I made a quick photomontage. The photo used is not mine but by F.Gariazzo, you can see it and other photos of the village of Corciano at this link (it seems the perfect place for this story).

Please, give yourself a gift and go read this fic immediately.

And I want to add a moodboard, with Corciano, a Raffaello's paint of S Caterina that could be the one in the story, and their menu of tagliere di affettati, and a Bacio in all its chocolate glory.

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/V1JAocC

by Berty

Italy in the springtime is as romantic as it gets but is it enough to free unspoken words and feelings after years of silence?

Words: 9503, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Sherlock (TV)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes, Original Characters

Relationships: Sherlock Holmes/John Watson

Additional Tags: Italy, World Travel, It’s For a Case, Declarations Of Love, Restaurants, Spring

@totallysilvergirl @raggedyblue @fluffbyday-smutbynight @helloliriels @raggedyblue @inevitably-johnlocked @ineffableuser @johnlockismyreligion @topsyturvy-turtely @imnova

[swissmissficrecs]

Word count: 9,503 Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Sherlock (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sherlock Holmes/John Watson Characters: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes, Original Characters Additional Tags: Italy, World Travel, It's For a Case, Declarations Of Love, Restaurants, Spring, Boys Kissing, Mentioned Mrs Hudson, Alternate Timelines, No Reichenbach here! Summary:

Italy in the springtime is as romantic as it gets but is it enough to free unspoken words and feelings after years of silence?

======

Rec: I wasn’t sure what to expect from the summary and tags, but this is a casefic set several years -- perhaps a decade or even more -- after Sherlock and John met, when they are still working and living together, not estranged as the “years of silence” might suggest. There is no reference to major canon events (Reichenbach, Mary, etc.) but it could still be read as taking place some time after series 4, without mention of Rosie.

So, having said all that, this is just a beautiful, gentle story that basically brings these two full circle in a mirror image of their night at Angelos. All with gorgeous descriptions that transport the reader right into the midst of these enchanting surroundings.

A reflective, restorative, resplendent feast for the heart and the senses.

[bertynghiem]

[willietheguy]

Ya’ll kill me 😂😂😂

[stillenmunkes]

Stalking von Berty

Berty: Du dummes Arschloch. Beny: Wie bitte!? Berty: Ich hasse Dich! Beny: Redest Du mit Deinem Spiegelbild? Berty: Ich will nichts mehr mit Dir zu tun haben!!! Beny: Na, dann schreib mir doch nicht und lasse mich in Ruhe! Berty: (Nach Monaten voller Beleidigungen) Ich liebe Dich immer noch, sollen wir uns nicht mal treffen!? Beny: Spinnst Du? Nä, Du schuldest mir noch 8000 Euro. Berty: Träum weiter... .... be continue

[lithiumseven]

Jeeves and Wooster as incorrect quotes

Screen caps by @bluebassy

[thesunsethour]

imagine bitches in 2004 tuning into hugh laurie’s new show after two decades of watching him almost exclusively play loveable village idiots

[beingjellybeans]

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[shittywriterbrain]

[bertiblogxiv]

'Refusal of the Call' is a narrative trope where-

[yeah-thats-probably-it]

Hot take maybe but I think Bertie would be FAR more likely to survive the first two months of Dracula than Jeeves would be. Bertie has a healthy sense of self-preservation. Jeeves consistently underestimates how dangerous a situation might get (Steeple Bumpleigh, the club book) because he’s overconfident about his level of control over any given situation. He'd handle Dracula masterfully if they faced off in England, but on Dracula's home turf? Much more doubtful.

I realize this might be a tough sell, so I will explain further (or it's not a tough sell, and I'm going to explain further because I want to). (criteria taken from @canyourfavesurvivecastledracula) Without further ado.

Would Jeeves and Wooster survive Castle Dracula?

Jeeves

Jeeves' survival will depend on how long Dracula finds him more entertaining than irritating. On that basis, I don't think he's long for this world. On the one hand, he has a huge wealth of knowledge about English society and culture that he can recite perfectly from memory. That should buy him at least a little time with noted teaboo Dracula.

On the other hand, he would be absolutely no fun as a vampire plaything. Jeeves cannot be got. Sneaking up on him while he's shaving will yield zero reaction (though that's at least good for his short-term survival--given that, although he DID take the crucifix from the old woman out of politeness, he certainly isn't going to wear it. The rules of fashion don't go out the window just because you're in a spooky castle). Then, although managing the whims of rich jerks is not an insignificant part of a valet's job, Jeeves usually does this by bending his employers to his will. Dracula is not the sort of employer this will work on. It'll just add insult to injury when on top of being impossible to scare, NOW Jeeves is telling Dracula that his favorite cloak is several centuries out of fashion and he's not allowed to wear it anymore.

Jeeves will 100% go exploring in the areas he was told not to go-- though to be fair, he MIGHT actually get away with this, what with his superpower of appearing in rooms without being seen or heard. Said superpower might save him from the brides as well (though this is by no means guaranteed). Since I find it doubtful that Dracula would come to rescue his annoying ass, not being noticed is his best defense.

There are a couple other things working in Jeeves's favor; the question is just whether they'll be enough to save him.

He DOES know shorthand, and could try to send coded letters. He might even have the foresight to squirrel away some extra stationary where Dracula can't find it. But could he get them posted? Would it even do him any good?

He certainly has enough cultural literacy to figure out what his new boss is pretty quickly. If he didn't chuck the crucifix out the carriage window, he might start carrying it around in his pocket.

Psychology of the individual, sure, but the individual in question is a 400-year-old vampire who lives in an isolated castle in a foreign country and is regarded as a terrifying mythological figure in the surrounding villages. Jeeves has never come up against anything this alien before, he's cut off from his normal resources, and opportunities to play people against each other are limited.

He probably has enough upper body strength from all that shrimping and fishing to climb the wall, so he COULD escape if he wanted to, if he survived long enough. It's just, again, that overconfidence, and also Dracula has a vast library full of rare old books that are entirely at his disposal. He's keeping his eyes and ears alert for potential escape strategies, of course, but I don't see him being as desperate to get out as Jonathan was.

There are just a lot of "depends on"s here, and I'm not convinced that luck would shake out in Jeeves's favor, all things considered.

Bertie

Bertie is so perfect for the job of Castle Dracula Prisoner it's like it was made for him. Think about it. Being held against his will in big manor houses comes more naturally to him than breathing. He's afraid of things that are scary. A lifetime of dealing with Aunt Agatha has made him the world's preeminent expert in "curl[ing] up in a ball in the hope that a meek subservience [will] enable [him] to get off lightly." He will NEVER go exploring in places he's been warned away from if nobody is forcing him to (Rev. Aubrey Upjohn's office notwithstanding. There were biscuits in there). He's both fun to talk to and easy to toy with (and extremely English). A+ prisoner. Dracula adores him.

In my opinion, Bertie is at Castle Dracula either because Aunt Agatha got some wires seriously crossed and thinks he’s going to meet an eligible potential bride (I mean, there are certainly brides there), or because Dracula has something Aunt Dahlia wants him to steal (far less likely, given that one of Dracula’s THINGS is famously not owning anything silver). Either way, he's shown himself entirely willing and able to escape down drainpipes if a sitch gets too scaly.

He DOES take the crucifix, and DOES wear it (which is what will save him during the shaving scene, because you KNOW he's going to jump a foot and cut himself like the dickens). He's read enough supernatural goosefleshers to be genre savvy about terrified old women cryptically pushing crucifixes into one's hands. I also think his sunny disposish endeared him to the villagers, and they were particularly vehement about urging him not to go. He doesn't speak German or Romanian, but he's empathetic enough to recognize Pure Terror. So by the time he actually gets to the castle, his imagination is already running wild and he's plenty aware that he is in imminent danger.

I think the biggest risk to Bertie will be the brides; whether or not he's susceptible to trances, if he thinks they're trying to marry him, it's against the code of the Woosters to turn them down. But that only becomes an issue if he comes face to face with them, which, luckily, I think is unlikely on account of the aforementioned "won't go exploring" (and if he did, Dracula would definitely rescue him).

I'm inclined to say due to his drainpipe-escape habits that he WOULD be able to climb the wall and MAY attempt to sneak into Dracula's room to look for the keys if his desperation grows to outweigh his fear. Whether he does or not, though, he does NOT have the stomach to attempt shovel murder, and therefore won't get magic brain fever, and may very well simply walk out the front doors when the people come to take the boxes away. OR he climbs his way out like Jonathan did. Either way.

When Bertie tells this story at the Drones later, Tuppy will say that no doubt it's been greatly exaggerated and all that probably happened was that he spent a couple months in an oldish house entertaining a weird loner.

[hattersarts]

Jeeves & The Inherent Homoerotic Nature of Becoming a Mans Valet