#berf’s tags:

[berf-a-smurf]

A letter to my therapist (that I probably won't send/read to them)

It's weird how in the mental field, others help you how they want to help and not how you ask to be helped. I know the "person in a wheelchair" simile is cliche but like... everyone's at least seen someone in a wheelchair (and mental problems aren't visual like that).

So like imagine someone struggling to get up a ramp. Maybe the bottom is buckled and they don't have the strength to roll over the bump. If someone else were to ask them "hey, how can I help?" they could say "oh, just nudge me over the bump and I can push myself the rest of the way" and they'd be believed because they have presumably lived with the wheelchair for several years and know how to prescribe a solution.

It's not like the other goes "hmm actually I know a better way; leave your chair here, put your arm over my shoulders, and we'll go up the stairs."

So why is it, after living with my brain for 26 years, and given what I need to research and consider Autism for 13 of those years, that people keep telling me to take the fucking stairs?! Please just listen to me when I tell you that I need a different type of help. Please!! I mean, literally speaking, I am able bodied and can do stairs, but using the metaphor, I know my brain better than you so if I prescribe a solution please trust that I know what I'm trying to get at more than your "hmm actually I don't think it works that way."

DBT has been helping my confidence, don't get me wrong. There's still a lot I'm getting from the program. But I keep hitting these little bumps in my day-to-day that I need different help with. Suicidality keeps coming back because I'm so fundamentally different from others. All of these little things keep adding up and make me feel flawed and mostly hopeless. But it's so normal to me that I don't catch it in the moment as something to write down nor log in memory for later. I need to pay someone to shadow me all day every day and watch how my behaviours come out and make the notes that I can't so that I can finally get the help I need. For the love of all that is good, please help me explore neurodivergence to some capacity. I know BPD is only a layer on top of more. And that's all you want to focus on. And it makes me feel a bit frustrated. It's not severe frustration, it's more like a nagging hang nail.

And the BPD diagnosis came from a psychiatrist that only saw me for two hours and nurses that had me for two days. I was mostly dissociated and overwhelmed with all the 'new' around me in the hospital. And I coped with my obedience mask. I wish, I wish the BPD thing didn't stick. I wish, I wish someone would care enough to help me pull back the (now automatic) mask and help me with the problems underneath. DBT feels like a step in the right direction and that gives me some hope. But it's frustrating to think about this being as far as I'll likely get.

-----

Does this make sense to anyone? Is this something worth mentioning to my therapist? I would love advice. Thank you 🫶

[berf-a-smurf]

Aggressive marketing is indeed wasteful but a lil bit to get names out is good; how else do we know things exist? I mean I guess we search for what we want and need nowadays but an ad here or there for new competition with better prices kinda helps. Idk, I’m a huge fence rider so I don’t really know where I fall lol

honestly advertising is so fukcing wasteful not even just in the convincing you to buy shit you never actually wanted but like

how much electricity is wasted displaying ads that could've gone to keeping houses warm. How much paper is produced just to be turned into pamphlets and ads that will just be thrown away. how much internet bandwith is wasted just on the amount of ads that are on the internet nowadays. How many hours worth of labor went into producing ads that are going directly into my adblocker or my waste bin that could've been time spent doing literally ANYTHING useful?

[berf-a-smurf]

Jealousy is haunting me

So bad I'm biting my tongue

It gets so hard to breathe

Wish you were mine from day one

Don't mention any other name

That doesn't sound like mine, yeah

I don't ever wanna know who you've been with before

Burn all your old photos, they don't exist anymore

You know I'll never be replaced 'cause I satisfy, yeah

'Cause your smile tells me everything I need to know

You need to know that

It never ends

Look at the shade of my eyes

And I won't pretend

And I won't apologize

I gotta have you, gotta have you to myself

Why would I want anybody else?

In my defense, jealousy's my best friend

People like to shame me

You think that I care at all?

So bad at sharing

You know you infect my soul

Don't want it any other way 'cause it gets you high, yeah

I know I can't change your past

Better believe that I tried

Never meant to last

Makes me so happy inside

Come on, my baby, time to play

'Cause you set me on fire, yeah

It never ends

Look at the shade of my eyes

And I won't pretend

And I won't apologize

I gotta have you, gotta have you to myself

Why would I want anybody else?

In my defense, jealousy's my best friend

It never ends

Look at the shade of my eyes

And I won't pretend

And I won't apologize

I gotta have you, gotta have you to myself

Why would I want anybody else?

In my defense, jealousy's my best friend

[berf-a-smurf]

This is so frickin’ sweet 🥹

My Google rabbit hole started with following up on a job lead I got over the weekend and is now going through a random, sizeable paper from someone who studied in Toronto (link is directly to the PDF). Please wait while I let my heart melt for a moment. I’m not about to go looking them up online but I really hope their family is well ♥️

[image ID:

The last paragraph of Morris Tichenor’s acknowledgements in their PhD thesis, reading

“My wife Heather is the sole reason this thesis exists. The journey of completing my dissertation has not been an easy one. I have struggled through periods of anxiety and self-doubt that I would ever finish the writing process. I know she had doubts as well. Her steady and quiet support of me over the past ten years of this program of study, as the rest of my academic cohort and our friends either finished or decided to move on, has not gone unnoticed. I want to thank her for her love, for her understanding, for her patience, and for our two sons, Quintus and Philip, who fill my every day with happiness.”

/End ID]

[wanderingmind867]

When you get this, list 5 songs you like to listen to, publish them, and send this ask to the last 10 people in your notifs

I don't do anything to break my sedentary habits, so I feel indepted to reply (if only so i can tag people and force myself to engage in some forced socialization, the most i'll probably do for days. So, 5 songs...well, i'll them at random:

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac: I sort of have to put this one since i just spent practically an hour listening to it on loop. No, seriously. I was doing a stupid dc character sorter or something, and i couldn't leave the page. So my YouTube backup tab ended up playing the song on loop for an hour.

When the Night Feels My Song - Bedouin Soundclash: This is a song from my childhood. Apparently it was a song the CBC used for their children's programming when I was a young kid, and that's how I discovered it. It's still a great song now, though.

And When I Die - Blood, Sweat and Tears: Another song I inexplicably liked as a kid. I seriously don't know why a song about being unafraid to die appealed to me as a kid, but it did. Maybe I just like the uptempo melody, or maybe i've just always been a very neurotic person who was reassured by a song like this.

Forever and Ever, Amen - Randy Travis: My dad likes this song, and I don't mind it either. It's nice and calming. And you know, I do think that country music was once better than it is now. There were a lot of good singers in that genre, which i know partially because of my dad (who i think likes it because of his dad). But it doesn't seem like there's as much good in the genre now.

Hand Me Downs - Arkells: My mom really liked this band. I personally like them too. They're a good group, probably obscure outside of canada (although i could be wrong about that), and i think they deserve more attention. Some of the songs i think really hit home for my mom.

So there. 5 songs. It just took me nearly six hours to think of all of them. But I did it. Now, to tag some people (i'm not gonna necessarily go by my notifications, i might go more by people i see interacting with me often and/or people i'm mutuals with): @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @ltwharfy @billybatsonmylove @c00c00pig @v4guelyv4mpiric @irishskeptic @munchkinmarauder @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @kryptonbabe @marvel-and-moor @berf-a-smurf @0asta0

Oh, and the obligatory gesture i should probably do: thank you for sending me this, @riordanverseaddict.

[berf-a-smurf]

Yeah I vape! I

Value

All

People

Equally

[kyojinofbraveos]

Rules: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

Tagged by @hanjislefteye , thanks!

Three ships: yumikuri, eruri, mikahisu

Last song: About Monsters - High

Last movie: I am currently really into Stargate, so i watched Stargate: Ark of Truth

Currently Reading: I am a multitask reader, I guess this is the word for people who can read too many things at once... So I am reading Yunus Emre's poems, Through the Language Glass by Guy Deutacher, Tutunamayanlar (This one was translated to English as the Disconnected) by Oğuz Atay and Jean Jacques Rousseau's The Social Contract. All at once 😅😅 I didn't realize I was reading this much till wrote it here...

Currently watching: Stargate Atlantis! Even though Stargate is very 90's and very white and military, I still enjoy it. I really think it deserves a better, more colorful reboot.

Currently consuming: lemon soda 🍋

Food I am craving: Hamburgers and fast food! Damn you COVID-19 for making me eat healthier!

Thanks for tagging me again @hanjislefteye 😘😘 I tag @kuchenackerman @leapingtitan @teiichans @super-yumi-me @superjaegerbros @shifter-lines @the-not-so-dark-age @bicozyes and anyone that wants to do this! Consider yourself tagged!

[wanderingmind867]

I wanted to share this comment under one of my posts, because it was really good advice that I know I should take. To deal with my fears of being sedentary and stuff online, I should try to search up more tags. As an exercise in putting myself more into doing stuff.

But even besides this, I wanted to share it. This way, the comment could survive even if the commenters blog vanishes. And also it's hopefully going to help me remember to try and take this advice. I know I'm forgetful and probably won't, but we can hope this helps. And in any case, I want to say thank you to the commenter, @berf-a-smurf for giving me permission to do this.

[berf-a-smurf]

The president called

And said: “congratulations, Connor!”

I said: “Mr. President,

To what do I owe this honour?”

[kyojinofbraveos]

the hours i spent on this shitty thing is not worth it tbh. Click if you can’t read!

[jjinomu]

Happy birthday dear <3

AHHH baka aklsdjaslkdj thank you so much!!! this is so pretty???? meichan is so pretty??? u are so pretty??!?!?!?!?!? thank u wOW i think i legit might cry

[berf-a-smurf]

[image IDs:

Media Matters tweet "Ben Shapiro on Medicare and Social Security: No one in the United States should be retiring at 65 years old. Frankly, I think retirement itself is a stupid idea unless you have some sort of health problem."

Hasanabi's quote tweet "I hate these mfs so much. They are advocating for increasing the retirement age, advocating to legalize child labor and half the country genuinely believes that these guys have their best interest at heart."

Angelica Reed replies to Hasanabi "quote retiring is a stupid idea unquote skull emoji mf working all your life for barely anything is a stupid idea."

Treason Musk replies to Hasanabi "it should be impossible to lose to the child labor, child marriage, anti-retirement party, and yet, here we are"

Hussi replies to Hasanabi "they want us to work until our last breath and guess where that money goes?"

Luna replies to Hasanabi "so the solution to all our problems is to make the elderly work.."

My RB features a pic of Wilson from Home Improvement peering over a fence with an air of concern in his eyes. I'm born and bred Canadian and this is how I feel looking at the states.

End image IDs]

[pandoraborn]

Requested by @dmnfox because it’s her birthday and I both hate and love her. Hap Berf, Fexeroni.

Warnings: angst, ego shipping, major character death, jackie-as-a-demon from: Anon server, as a story ending.

---------------------

“My earring!” Jackie’s frantic as he tears the room apart, trying to find it. They’re still at the ball, just in the room upstairs where Jackie had confronted Anti. “Marvin, it’s missin’!”

Marvin’s still sipping on wine, though the expression on his face is one of concern, eyebrows furrowed as he scans the room himself, trying to spot the tiny black earring that Jackie had only worn until recently, when he’d used it to seal a ritual to bind Marvin to him. Jackie’s swearing a little too loudly, as if it’d block the music still coming from the ballroom.

“Help me!” Jackie snaps, whirling around to face Marvin. His eyes are jet black out of panic, and Marvin heaves a sigh, setting the wine glass down.

“Jackie, it’s a small black piercing, Are you sure you didn’t drop it downstairs?” “I’m positive I didn’t drop it downstairs. Anti stole it, I know he did!” Jackie tosses a couch cushion to the floor, before stomping on it angrily. “Why the fuck would he even want it? It’s a stupid-”

“Jackie, you’re a demon. You used that earring in a ritual, it carries power now. Why else...” Marvin trails off as his eyes widen. There’s only a handful of reasons why powerful trinkets would make their way into the wrong hands, and Anti has plenty of reasons to come after Jackie. Or rather, after all of them. He’s not going to say that out loud.

Marvin doesn’t even get a chance to, because Henrik and Jameson are running in, looking disheveled and panicked. The sudden appearance from them has Jackie glitching back by Marvin’s side, gripping his arm tightly.

“Sorry,” Henrik pants. “We have a problem.”

“Oh, great,“ Jackie snaps, throwing his arms up. “We’re trying to enjoy a masquerade ball, Anti steals my earring, and now he’s missing.”

{Anti stole your earring?} Jameson wears a puzzled expression on his face, the panic momentarily gone. {What would he want with your earring?}

“I used a ritual to bind Marvin to me instead of Anti, but nevermind that, what’s with you two?”

Henrik and Jameson look at each other, both clearly engaged in a silent debate. Jameson almost looks like he doesn’t want to trouble Jackie, but before Jackie can prod either of them for answers, Henrik finally sighs.

“Anti took the watch.”

Marvin lurches forward at that moment, poking his head out of the doorway and glancing around, before he slams the door shut, closing the four of them in the room. “Okay, that isn’t good,” Marvin says. “If Anti has both the piercing and the watch...” 

“We’re boned,” Jackie pipes up, not at all helpfully. “We’re going ‘ta die.” At least he doesn’t sound casual. Marvin shoots him a glare before rubbing at the sides of his head.

“We can still try to track him down. Jackie and I both could, or something...”

“Wouldn’t you want our help?” Henrik asks. “There’s got to be something we can do.”

“Oh, there is.”

It’s Anti’s voice. All four egos whirl around to face Anti, who’s standing in the middle of the room with a smirk on his face. His his hands are the watch and piercing, which has Jackie nearly lunging forward to snatch both out of his hand. Anti snatches them back, holding them out of Jackie’s reach.

“You should have thought about what you were doing before using my powers, Jackieboy Man. Everything comes at a price, and I’m going to deliver that to you now.”

{Please don’t.} Jameson looks heartbroken. Jackie spares a glance over at him, feeling a new heated rush of anger. Jameson and Anti had been friends once. {Anti, please don’t do anything rash.}

“It’s too late for that Jameson. If you all want someone to blame, look at him.” Anti waves a finger in Jackie’s direction. “He’s the one who make the unanimous decision that I’m the bad guy. Always speaking for everyone else, always making the decisions he doesn’t have to. I’m going to change that.” He starts using both items, simultaneously.

The change felt is instant. The four egos know something big is happening. It’s not a world-crumbling event they have to run from. It’s probably not even effecting anyone down in the ballroom. It’s effecting three egos in this room. Three egos fall to their knees, weakened by a massive power drain that keeps going and going, going and going.

Jackie doesn’t notice much else in the world around him. Distantly, he can hear Henrik sobbing and begging for Anti to stop, begging for Jameson to come back to him. But Jackie’s world is darkening, and it’s taking all his energy to get to Marvin’s side, even more to reach out and grasp his hand. He doesn’t know what’s happening, he doesn’t have the strength to get up and fight.

“I’m taking you all away. Jackie doesn’t get to be better than me, and I’m going to make sure it stays that way. In my world, I’m in charge, and you’re going to remember that.”

Anti’s voice seems to fade away, along with the distant sounds of music. It’s almost quiet, too quiet. No static hum of the electricity running through the building, no music, no sounds of conversation and laughter. It’s as if they’d slid into a dark void. Jackie can still hear Henrik begging for Jameson to come back, but Jackie’s focused on Marvin. Only Marvin.

“Jackie...I can’t feel anything.” Marvin’s voice is a whisper. Faint, and filled with all the tiredness that comes with dying. Are they actually dying? Will they come back?

“I can’t either,” Jackie whispers back. He’s fighting to keep his eyes open. Fighting to keep Marvin in his vision. “Stay with me, love. Please...”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Tears fill Jackie’s eyes as he tries to pull himself closer. It’s as if the ground has him pinned in place, gravity weighing too heavily on the pair. There’s so many things Jackie wanted to do with Marvin: they were supposed to get married. They were supposed to live for eternity with each other. They were supposed....they....

“Jackie, I have to tell you something.” Even Marvin’s voice is coming from too far away, being lost to this void. How are they still holding on? Jackie can’t even hear Henrik anymore.

He doesn’t have the strength to respond, but he clings to Marvin’s hand. He wants to wrap his arms around the magician and hold him close, but this is the best they can manage.

“Jackie, I l-”

Marvin’s words are cut off as he fades from view. Jackie can’t hear anything, can’t see anything. It’s an inky blackness that stretches on forever, taking all the air, all the life out of it. He’s alone. He’s alone.

He lets out a sigh, knowing this really is the end. Anti had finally beaten him. Finally, with a prayer in his heart and nothing left to hold onto...

He lets himself go too.

The reign of the egos is no more.

also tagging: @10th-no-name-person, @anon-jameson, @anon-marvin

[fruitless-vain]

So we had an adventurous night we weren’t expecting...

Our neighbours (young kids) rang our doorbell with a dog in their hands wondering if it was Yoshi (hot tip it wasn’t). They were too young to really know what to do/ what to look for and kind of just went “hey you’re a person we know has dogs so here! Dog!” So we went down the list to try and find his home.

He was super friendly, naturally uncomfortable with what was happening but otherwise very patient and responsive. ID tag was so worn down all you could read is the name so we called the license number. The city called the owners who didn’t answer their phone, the city gave us a reference number for the report and asked if we were capable of holding on to the dog for a while.

At this point we’ve got both dogs leashed and separated in the house cause Jackpot (lost dog) was shaking in the cold. Yoshi was actually doing really well, just two short “ my house” berfs before she settled and was actually really wanting to say hi. So we said yeah we can hold him until need be.

Once he warmed up Jackpot was actively wanting to go outside so we decided to take him for a walk and see if he happens to take us to his house. (Yoshi came along for the walk and was so good, really playful, wanting to sniff whatever he sniffed, awesome responses from her honestly). Five minutes and four blocks later he walks us right to a front door which ended up being his house!

Turns out they brought him skating at the outdoor rink with them and somehow he got left behind. (Apparently they don’t usually bring him but last minute decided to so when they packed up to leave the dog was not typically on their list of things to remember). Poor guy had been in the cold for 45 minutes, thankfully were in a warmer spell right now (only -3 instead of our standard -25) so he was totally okay.

The owner was so shocked and confused that 1). We had her dog she didn’t know was missing and 2) we knew where her dog lived (he knew where he lived).

But all in all lil guy found his way back home and is nice, warm and cozy!

[berf-a-smurf]

17:27 - 17:55 THIS THIS THIS THIS I hate when people call sui the “easy way out”. When you’re really in that state, it’s far from the easy way out. There’s incredible shame about being a burden to everyone. There’s the urge of “this is the right thing to do.” There’s nothing easy about it.

[berf-a-smurf]

This is the type of discourse I came to tumblr for. Love it, love you nerds 🫶

[image IDs:

First gif from kulvefaggoth reads: “Classicist typo” in red text with flames on each letter.

Second gif from cardinalfeng reads: “academia typo” in the same red burning way.

Third gif by sharkbutthoohaahaa is simply: “fucking nerds”. Also in the red burning text.

/end image IDs.]

lord the peasants are so loud today