#ben clark angst

[pauleentology]

more ben clark angst

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, into his own eyes, into his own soul, that he believed had long withered and went. Where was he? He couldn't find him— he couldn't find the innocent, pure, 12 year old boy. He stared and stared, growing more and more desperate, tightening his grip on the bathroom sink. Where was he?

He stared and stared, and stared, and in those eyes— his very own eyes, he saw a monster. A raging beast, who'd punch someone just to punch someone. Who'd fight and win and show no sign of sympathy. An unapologetic, cruel monster. The embodiment of violence. No— he didn't use to be this violent.

A tear had found its way down his face, and for a moment, he saw hope. Vulnerability. He tried and forced himself not to wipe it off, to not be ashamed of it, that it was good.

"Humans cry, and I'm human." he thought, trying to convince himself. He wanted to believe it, and he did, until the tear reached his lips, and he got to taste it. It was bitter. Bitter, and cold. That was his last straw, all his hope faded away just like that.

He looked away from his eyes, and at his neck. It was bruised, and it ached. He avoided blinking in that moment, or his mind would wander back to the incident. He could still feel Shane's firm grip on his throat, morbidly vivid. The first wave of panic washing over him as his breath was stolen from him. How each breath grew more shallow and desperate than the last— but there was no air. Just a devastating, crushing force squeezing his windpipe. How he could feel his pulse thundering in his ears, unrelenting and desperate. He could almost still feel the sharp, hot pain shredding the small tissues in his drying throat, and it hurt more than words— yes, right. His broken, shattered words. His voice that was once described as "angelic" was now strained and raspy, to the point everytime he spoke he was just a second away from being silenced completely.

His desperate eyes hardened, to a hateful look of disgust. He hated this, he hated how he let himself become the thing he swore to destroy. His greatest enemy wasn't Shane anymore— not his bullies, not the gangs he was in a war against— no, it was himself. He was the villain in his own life, after Shane killed his voice, he died with it. Now all that was left was his body, still tethered to the ground. He, however, was long gone.

All that was left of him was his body, his giant figure that everybody feared. A deadly weapon, as others would call him. Not the little boy that he is, no. He was seen as a dangerous giant all his life. He denied it though— and showed everyone his contradicting personality, but where was that now? It was gone. What really stung him the most though was that by all this, he was just proving them right. He gave them a reason to fear him after trying all his life to prove otherwise.

He wanted to stop, he really did. He wanted to just go back to the way it was, to the way he was. Before they changed him. Or worse, before he changed himself.

But he couldn't. There was no turning back now, there was nothing he could do to turn back the past, even if he'd do anything, anything to be able to sing again, to be able to speak again, to be able to hear his own voice without breaking down completely.

So he walked out the bathroom, cracking his knuckles, heading out and back into the streets. He didn't want to do this, but at that point, it was the only thing he knew how to do. He went and picked another fight— then another, and another.

And in the end, he'd still find himself back in the bathroom, looking at his reflection, begging for change. Desperate. But it was impossible, and he'd always end back up on the streets fighting one after the next.

The door shut, and he was back in front of the mirror. Again, and again, and again.

He wasn't a monster. He wasn't a deadly giant. He wasn't a weapon. No.

No.

He was twelve.

[aidlyncanon]

whatever you do dont imagine Ben Clark going through his camera roll just to find an old video his mom took of him singing not knowing it would be the last time he sang.

dont imagine Ben hearing his damaged voice for the very first time. the disgust and hate he felt when the broken words hit his ears.

you dont want to imagine Aiden Clark wondering when his parents would come home and actually pay attention to him.

dont imagine him watching his cousins with their parents wondering what it would be like to have such one on one attention without them having to deal with work.

and definitely dont imagine Ashlyn Banner all alone in the containment facility stressing about Aiden and Tylers states.

dont imagine her growing up with no friendly company, nothing but the noises that only she can hear

dont event consider imagining Tyler Hernandez being completely alone while bleeding out for multiple? nights unable to do anything other than sit in his own blood.

dont imagine him wondering if this feeling of impending doom was what his dad felt in his final moments.

and absolutely dont imagine Taylor Hernandez during the car ride to the hospital.

dont imagine her being inconsolable, unaware if her brother would wake up or if she would once again be leaving the hospital without her loved one.

dont imagine Logan Fields going home after Barron physically harmed him for the first time. Seeing his grandparents and knowing he cant tell them.

dont imagine him laying in bed wondering what was wrong with himself, wondering what he had done, what mistake he did to make Barron so angry when all he wanted to do was be nice

[tragedry]

the SBG kids as the mincing mockingbirds:

Aiden:

Ashlyn:

Tyler:

Logan:

Taylor:

Ben:

The kids after their trip to Savannah:

[valahelart]

confession in the afterlife...

[piigeonss]

What’s the point?

How long has it been already? Weeks? Months? Maybe years? Does it matter? What’s the point of counting time anyway. What’s the point of going to school, to ballet recitals, hell, even out of her room to eat and shower?

What’s the point of sitting in the bus if Aiden wasn’t annoying her with his bizarre adventures. What’s the point of brushing her hair if Ben wasn’t offering to braid it. What’s the point of looking at the night sky if Logan wasn’t explaining every constellation and its meaning. What’s the point of doing anything about the broken coffee machine if Taylor would’ve gladly helped and struck up a conversation that ended up in everyone meeting up. What’s the point of listening to music if Tyler wasn’t trying to learn and teach it on the guitar the next day.

What’s the point of living in her house if her parents aren’t there? What’s the point of falling asleep and waking up if it wasn’t to hundreds of worried messaged, and occasionally bad memes, in the groupchat. What’s the point of boardgames if Aiden and Tyler weren’t there to take it too seriously and fight over it. What’s the point of goingto the grocery store if it didn’t end up with being stuck in carts and buying too much junk food. What’s the point of watching movies if it wasn’t all together.

What’s the point of her if she couldn’t save anyone. What’s the point if she didn’t accomplish anything. What’s the point if she was the last one left

What’s the point

——————————————————————————

Based on my theory here

(basically if Ashlyn was the only one who got out)

[womp-womp-waa]

He doesn't look right.

The group have been in the facility for a while (Aiden lost count of the days) and today was the first day he got to see his reflection. Immediately regret and disgust as he stares at himself. His hair is wrong. It doesn't look like him, that's not Aiden. Aiden dosen't have sad black hair, no he has fun happy blonde hair. He isn't sad anymore and he needs his hair to match it. This isn't him. After a couple minutes of staring, he raises his fist. That's not him, why should he have something that reminds him of his imperfections. Who would want that. Without a second thought he hits the mirror. Pain radiates from his hand, but he doesn't care. It was gone, he's not the person he used to be. He didn't have black hair anymore, he's changed. Right?

[niredsw]

The only reason Ashlyn accepted to interact with the infected was because she felt guilty. She thought it was all her fault, Tyler and Aiden dying, Logan getting hurt, the gang starting to turn into phantoms… She thought it was all her fault. They ended up in this terrible nightmare only because of her. She never showed but ever since Tyler said it was her fault that they ended up there, she believed it. Every. Single. Word.

When she got hurt by that phantom on the ceiling, she felt guilty and selfish for getting hurt, that meant she would be a problem, a burden to them until they got to the graveyard again. She felt terrible when Tyler flew out of the car and died, just because she didn't turn back to save him. She should have heard the ceiling collapse before everyone, she was the one with the super-hearing afterall, but no. She didn't hear it on time and Aiden died. All because of her…

So there she is, sacrificing herself so her friends would be safe, getting almost killed just because she feel like she deserved it..

No. She didnt deserve to die yet, not when the others are still in danger. It was her fault, and she couldn't die before they find a way to escape. She didn't deserve to die, she needed to get them ot of this mess just like she dragged them in. That was when she felt the phantoms get control of her, that was when she opened a rift for the secod time, that was when she realised how she could get them out of this world, she needed to sacifice herself and close the rift from inside after they get out. There was no escape for her, and she was glad there wasn't. She didnt deserve it anyways..

yaay its finished, maybe i did a little vent in this, maybe i did not, you could neve know..

anygays i officially joined the war!

@moonbiine @womp-womp-waa i learned from the best

[cigarettestress]

Summary: Ben mourns over the loss of his voice. Idk,honestly read it and tell me😿

Author's notes : based on the headcanon generator (originally found on TikTok by @/k8iexq_ on TikTok) LOVERS ROCK BY TV GIRL MENTIONED!!!! I STRUGGLED WITH WRITING THIS OMG. Yeah idk how sad this is on a scale on 1-10 sorry:3 also i accidentally added Ben x taylor I didn't mean to 😿

And leave you with nothing

Ben felt the hot water running down his back and onto the shower floor, maybe a little too hot for comfort but he couldn't care about the heat of the water, or anything else when he only had the same memories replaying in his head. The same memories that have haunted him since he lost his voice, or more specially since he's heard the strange voice he now refuses to let out.

Ben still remembers those days clearly, the days before he lost his voice. He could oh so clearly remember the feeling of his vocal cords in his throat as he sang along to his favorite song, parents in the crowd. Now those same vocal cords are kept hidden away from everyone besides aiden. His voice once described as angelic and soft now replaced with a rasp sounds others would describe as being similar to nails on a chalkboard.

Ben knew his voice wasn't something he should hate, but he couldn't help it. it's a constant reminder to him that the future he once had was stripped from his palms. Ben knew there's other ways to enjoy music, his therapist told him in every session but singing was the thing that felt right to Ben, like nothing else could replace it. Then he hears a small melody in the back of his mind,

“Do-do, do-do-do-do-do Do-do, do-do-do-do-do”

Ben tries to remember exactly where he remembers this from when it hits him, the song Taylor was showing him earlier today, Lovers rock by TV girl. For a second his thoughts and problems disappear thinking about the joy on Taylor's face when showing him the song. Ben quite enjoyed it himself as well that's when he decides to try and sing with his new found courage,

“But if you're too drunk to drive And the music is right She might let you stay But just for the night"

His voice cracks up at right and night, not being able to correctly sing it without his voice cracking. Compared to the original it sounded like a broken vinyl, playing his voice making the song sound distorted and croaky.This exact thought makes him stop, his thoughts coming crashing down once more, his voice is nothing more than a painful reminder that this part of him is gone forever never to come back.

Aiden was use to hearing Ben's raspy voice, and a part of him was grateful to be one of, if not the only person to hear it. However what he heard now made him pause. He remembered hearing Ben sing before the incident. It was angelic, soft, something you're immediately captivated by. But what he heard now wasn't what it was before, it was grueling like nails on a chalkboard, at least to a stranger it would be, but to Aiden it still felt as captivating as it was when he first heard it all those years ago.

He stood there listening to Ben for a moment until it abruptly stopped. It was only then Aiden realized his signature smile was replaced with his lips slightly open in surprise. He didn't know what to do, what does he do? Aiden never felt such passion for something the same way Ben did for singing. So, Aiden didn't do anything; he looked back down at his phone and walked away, back to his room. It wasn't until Ben got out of the shower, almost an hour later, that he saw a note on his dresser. Feeling heat rush up to his face, and a small smile forming on his lips reading the note once more. “Taylor would think your voice is beautiful. :)”

[stinkypeanutbutter]

img silly sbg art class headcanons for the folks !!!

Guess who’s first .

Ben , obvi . Who did you think ??? Aiden ?? Loser / j

BENNY BOY :

Actually enjoys art class the most out of his other classes

Usually turns things in on time , but forgets the little things though like those stupid papers that tell you to copy and draw a nose 3 times

likes using charcoal pencils !! It’s his favorite out of everything , but he dislikes how messy it gets because the charcoal always covers his hands and arms .

not the best at painting , but he’s well known of his complimentary colors and what looks good with what .

Usually listens to music while he’s drawing if Taylor is busy or gone from class . He likes taking instrumental recommendations from Ashlyn .

Takes a drawing class , obvi , along with Taylor because he didn’t really want to be alone . Plus , She’s a nice buddy to have !!

TAYLOR !! :

Takes a drawing class with Ben as said before !! Whenever they have to pick partners , they go for each other the most .

she’s not the BEST at drawing honestly , but she takes it so she can study in machinery , like drawing and mapping out designs .

She likes using those kids markers , whatever their called . She prefers using the marker FIRST then going over it with pencil to really pop out the design . Digital art also works out for her , it’s one of her favorites because there’s so many options ( sometimes )

uses google for inspo or to copy certain parts down cause Pinterest is blocked on the computers and drawing gears is hard to do ( real 😿 )

Draws little cats on her work when she’s bored or smiley faces on Bens work just cause she’s silly ( trademarked smiley — Aiden / j )

Doesn’t have photography , but she does join Logan after school to help out with certain camera functions or just take photos of eachother for her memory book ( she has one , cannot tell me otherwise )

Also uses highlighters just cause . I mean they’re fun so why not . Her and Aiden share a bunch of random stickers that he got on like eBay for customization 😼

A ;) DEN !!! :

I swear I won’t repeat the same “ Aiden is totally good at art “ headcanon but …….. 😅😅

Went into painting just so he can have fun with the colors and , sigh … he’s good at mixing them . ( he’s not allowed too , but he makes it work out . Sometimes )

RARELY gets things done in time , like he’ll be doing anything other then drawing in class , yet somehow turn it in . Well , after a few weeks past the due date .

becahse of that , no one really knows what he draws but the teacher is impressed so 🤷

I like to imagine he has one other hidden room in his house , filled with unfinished paintings , sketches , projects , puzzles , yadda . He hasn’t really shown anyone where it is , or let’s anyone inside but has let Ben check it out a few times cause he’s special 🫶

Always does his projects in his room . Why ? Cause it’s bigger , more room to work , duh . Also , so he can BLAST music because music just gives him ideas of what he can work on ( projection go hard 🤟🤟🤟 )

he doesn’t really care what he uses , but he hates charcoal , opposed to Ben . It gets everywhere ( in a bad way ) , it’s dull , he hates having to blend it with those stupid paper things because they sound and feel gross , yadda yadda yadda . Butttt he LOVES markers and crayons . Colored pencils work if he’s feeling slightly unmotivated .

uses giant AF canvas’s cause more room to work plus more detail . He loves detailing the most random stuff because it all had to blend correctly , right ? 😼☝️

likes pottery , but he doesn’t like the feeling of it drying on his hands . It’s gross and crusty . Plus he got in trouble once for throwing some of it around the class lol

Totally draws on his arms with sharpie ( ashlyn tells him no cause poisoning or something but pshhhh what does she know ? He’ll still doodle on his pants ) .

Probably does Rubix cube art when he’s feeling extra silly . Also glues and sticks whatever he can find onto what he’s working on for pizazz . But he doesn’t really like anything he’s made so 😿

also the reason why he has so many unfinished projects is because woopsy doo ADHD . It’s always “ oh I should work on this one “ but then there’s “ but this once looks funner to do “ but oh then there’s a “ which one would take me less time to do ? “ and “ if I do this first will I have time to do the other one ? “ and either ends up doing nothing or multitasking .

ASH TRAY !!! :

Takes painting with Aiden because she really didn’t want to go alone .

thought about pottery once , tried it , hated the feeling of it getting under her nails and it kept drying up and she had to wash her hands constantly and it kept getting in her hair and it was a bad experience . ( more projection )

painting really isn’t her favorite , but she likes the look of the colors mixing and it’s kinda like dancing to her , with the long , sometimes constant movements and new variations . Look it just puts her in a slight trance .

doesn’t do well with creativity coming into play , but she managed to find a way with turning art into dance , like referencing other dancers online and copying their moments onto a canvas to make it dramatic or something .

Prefers prismacolor pencils over most things , sometimes joins Taylor and Logan after school to try out photography .

Sometimes she and Aiden would share headphones and put on a shared playlist or a podcast on spotify . They always bicker about it though because ashlyn skips through songs often and Aiden can’t sit on a podcast unless it’s playing somewhere background ( still working on this one cause would that work ? Sharing headphones and listening to stuff or would that be too loud cause I’m not sure )

for once please can she see what Aiden has done like he’s always on his phone or playing with another puzzle from his backpack how do they fit in there anyway just Plsplslpsopls he has a good grade in this class how he’s so confusing sometimes double U - tea - eph

TIE - LER !! :

Joined because he already does baseball why not choose something to maybe help him relax

Bad choice , does not relax him ( most of the time ) , can’t understand color theory ( same ) , ended up getting put into the same class with Aiden ( remember when Aiden threw pottery ? Yeah . . Also ashlyn is there that’s cool but still )

He still likes hanging with Aiden , he just won’t admit it and it gets harder and harder too when he keeps writing and drawing on his work ( and him too 😡😡 )

Pretty fond of water coloring , it’s one of the few things that he enjoys doing in his pass time . . . But he’s not that good at keeping the water to a minimum so it ends up dripping everywhere .

He’s not that good at art either , but he’s pretty good at poses , specifically ones he can remember like the “ batter up ! “ stance in baseball or his signature “ crosses my arms and stares at you begrudgingly “ . He’s REALLY good at that one .

He teaches Ben Guitar , Ben teaches him easier ways to draw . Not a babyish style , but just a simplified way to do something without putting too much thought into it .

he and Taylor team up in art projects , but not in class , at home . Ash and Aiden usually partner up in class , and since he and Taylor have seperate classes there , who’s to say they can’t help eachother else where ? Twin telepathy ! ( I think , idk )

Just finishes quick and turns it in . He gave effort , and that’s good enough . If he really wants to try and ‘ finish ‘ finish it , he will . Trust .

DIALOG(an)UE !! :

Literally the only one in the group who really takes pottery ( he’s lonely someone help him )

dw Barron isnt there . He got kicked out for throwing clay at people ( mostly Logan )

Actually really likes taking pottery , it’s fun !!

He makes pots for the plants back home 💪😋

pretty good at using the utensils , one of the only people the teacher can trust to use them correctly

the pottery wheel isn’t his favorite favorite because sometimes it spins to fast and clay gets splattered everywhere , but it’s better then starting from scratch , and turns out really nice when he gets into the zone or something

made mugs for his grandparents !! ( and the gang , which they all used theirs for many different things . They love it )

not that good at coming up with particular designs , so he usually asks for help . Doesn’t matter who , he’s open to everyone’s ideas 😋☝️☝️

takes a littttllleee while to turn things in on time but he’s a good student so the teacher doesn’t mind

IM DONE !!! I DID IT !!! Praise me .

WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT ?? HIT THAT LIKE AND SURBSCRIBE BUTTON

[morgy-doo]

SBG x Bullied! Gyaru! Fem! reader

school bus graveyard, Ashlyn banner, aAden clark, Ben clark, Taylor and Tyler hernandez, Logan fields. Angst, fluffy end

TW: Bullying

Gyaru: A carefree and rebellious spirit

Y/N twisted a pencil between her fingers as she contemplated how she had gotten to this point. she didn't want to be shovelled in the corner stuck doing school work while others get free reign of the arcade. but she knew if she even moved the slightest than Barron would be pissed.

you see, Y/N was always seen as a black sheep, among her family, and mostly among her school peers. but she wanted somewhere she could fit in, so when she started her new school, she searched for exactly that. she quickly found it with Barron's rambunctious gang. they smoked, they skipped, they did things that Y/N considered cool as shit. that's where she wanted to be, they were her type of people, loose cannons per say.

so when Y/N approached Barron as asked to hang out, Barron greeted them with a smile but said there were some favours she would have to do first. she has been doing said favours for the last week, which was just doing their school work while watching them hang out. Barron considered it as hanging out as Y/N was in the arcade with them, but was not participating in any of the games.

this was not at all what she wanted. Barron stood up fully from his crouched position at the air hockey table, stretching his arms. "anyone wanna go out for a smoke?" murmmers of agreement responded and everyone slouched towards the fire escape. Y/N started gathering the books and paper to join when Barron looked over his shoulder and said "Oh Y/N, can ya stay in here and keep at the work, your doing great, and i really don't wanna like mess up your mojo, i really need this pass." Y/N huffed and slouched back down in her seat. "ah thanks, your a great friend." he shut the fire escape door behind him.

as Y/N sat and contemplated, she felt a bubbling pool of irritation flood her mind. so far she had not done any hanging out at all, and she has not been treated like a friend whatsoever. rising from the table, she grabbed Barron's books and slammed open the fire escape door, having an epithany.

she threw the books on the floor so they landed at Barron's feet in a scattered pile. he looked up with an annoyed look. "look Barron, you are a cool guy, atleast from what i have seen anyways. but i don't wanna do this anymore, i wouldn't mind helping you out with a paper the odd week or so but this is just dumb. you said if i do this then i could hang out with you guys but i have just been crammed in the corner the last week. so I'm done."

Barron glared, his greasy hair hanging in his eyes. he grabbed Y/N forcefully by the upper arm and roughly pulled her ear close to his mouth. "look, just because your at a new school, doesn't mean you can act like king of the fucking hill...your just some weird loser.. and when you came up to me so willingly then obviously i was gonna take the chance. your never gonna fit in here. but i suppose your used to getting used by the looks of you. fucking pathetic."

Y/N squirmed out of his grip and stepped back, she felt the familiar burn of tears and raised a hand to her eye, trying to disguise it as itching it. but of course knowing her luck Barron noticed. "Ahah! now that's just sad. aw you gonna cry because you have no real friends?"

thats when you heard the fire escape door behind you open, out came a ginger girl, a guy with green hair, a tall dude, a guy with glasses and a set of what Y/N would assume, twins.

"ugh, does this dick ever learn?" said the male twin. the group approached Barron slightly as the tall guy put a hand on your shoulder and smiled. he scribbled on a notebook for a second before showing you " hello im ben :)".

Barron had a slight look of fear cross his face, but it was gone as soon as it was there. he spat on the ground at the ginger girls feet and walked off, followed by his group. the female twin turned around and smiled apollogetically at Y/n. "you okay?" Y/N nods. "I'm Taylor, that's my brother Tyler, that's Aiden and Ashyln." she points in order of the twin, to the green haired boy and then the ginger. "and i can see your already aquainted with Ben."

"next time you should throw the books onto his feet, not the ground, that would hurt alot more." said Aiden, with that slightly eerie smile. the ginger girl lazily gestured to Y/N. "Airhockey, lets go."

it wasn't the exact group Y/N was looking for, but she was happy none the less. maybe that Aiden kid could be interesting...

sorry it seemed kinda cliche towards the end, but thank you for requesting.

[pauleentology]

random thought on the bus ride to school

i like how each sbg teen's backstories tackle different issues that many peoplr their age can relate to

for ashlyn it's self blame/sabotage

aiden's is neglect and (possibly) ADHD

logan's is bullying and exploitation

ben's is difficulty expressing himself and anger issues

the twins struggle with responsibility, loss, neglect, grief and a stunted childhood where they matured too fast for their age

[am-morning-7-7]

She hunched over the toilet, at this point all that was coming out was stomach acid. How could she let this happen? This was her fault, and she had no idea how to fix it.

Her fault.

She had snapped its neck. She snapped his neck? was he even still human? she wasn't sure but still, the guilt sat heavy. She had snapped someone's neck so easily, like it was a twig.

A twig?

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

A twig. A tree. Tyler. She let him die, she left him on the stupid tree for so long. All she had to do was turn the car around, she could've gone back for him. Why didn't she, he's hurt, he's bleeding out every night. God he's been bleeding a lot.

Lots of blood?

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

Aiden died too. She could've done something; she should've pushed him under something. She shouldn't have taken them to the school. They put their trust in her and she let them get hurt.

Hurt?

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

Logan got hurt. that phantom cut deep into him. she was the sole reason for it. He got injured, and for what? to learn about light? It was stupid had she just been a better leader for them they would be okay. None of them deserve this.

Doesn't deserve it?

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

Tayler didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to think her brother was dead. She didn't deserve the fear. She didn't deserve to be in the phantom realm. She should've spent her nights making cool little gadgets for the mechanic club. She deserved to sleep without the terrors hunting them every night. She deserved to be happiness.

Happiness?

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault, Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

Ben should've been happy. He had a new life away from his bully's and past. Ashlyn fucked it up. He couldn't enjoy the peacefulness of a new town. He can't be happy in a moment like this. He can't sleep at night because of her.

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

[lee1504]

*takes a deep breath*

*exhales*

if it’s not too much trouble can you write a ben x tyler fic where they’re just being soft and cute 🥺👉👈 (or ben is tending to tyler’s wound or something? idk im sorry for bothering you!!)

how dare you assume you're bothering me

The others were already asleep on the bed. They were curled up, huddled together, as if seeking each other’s warmth before midnight passed and they were brought back to reality, brought back to their own rooms.

Ben rinsed off his hands in the bathroom. The six of them were currently in Ben’s own room. He could see Aiden, Ashlyn, Taylor, and Logan were already asleep, but Tyler stayed awake, sitting on the edge of the bed. Ben couldn't blame him for wanting to watch his sister, just in case anything happened.

Ben turned off the water, drying his hands on the towel Alex had left there. The bracelet Taylor and Ashlyn had made for everyone glowed in the dim light. 

“Ben?” a voice croaked. 

Ben left the bathroom. Tyler was holding his side again. He only wore his undershirt, his black jacket tossed onto the floor. More red seeped through the fabric.

Ben rushed over to where Tyler sat. His hands shook.

“Sorry,” Tyler mumbled. His voice was raspy and dry from not speaking. He cleared his throat, swallowed, then said, “It’s bleeding again. I can't stop it…”

Ben quickly shook his head. He wanted to say that it was okay, that it was fine, that it wasn't Tyler's fault. He slowly lifted up his shirt. He was right.

Blood seeped through the wound on his side. His bandages were all soaked with red. Tyler's breaths were becoming labored again.

Ben looked up into Tyler's dark brown eyes. His own were gentle, calming. It's okay. You're going be okay, he thought. He quickly reached for the First Aid kit they'd picked up earlier, pulling on some gloves first.

I'm sorry, Ben thought. This is going to hurt.

Tyler let out a hiss, a strangled yelp, clenching onto Ben's hand as he cleaned the area around the wound with antiseptic wipes. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, clutching harder onto Ben. 

“Sorry,” Tyler said again, voice strained. His eyes were still closed.

Ben shook his head once more. It's not your fault. He handed Tyler a cloth to bite on, pulling out a needle and thread.

Ben could see some tears appear underneath Tyler's lashes. He felt guilty. He knew this hurt him.

Another sound pained him. 

Tyler let out a short sob, before quickly closing his mouth. Ben hated how hurt Tyler was, but he couldn't say anything to comfort him.

The stitches were done. Ben quickly wrapped new bandages around Tyler's waist before gently pulling his shirt back down.

“I'm sorry,” Tyler sobbed for the third time.

Stop saying sorry. It's not your fault.

“I should've been careful earlier…I should've been holding onto something so I wouldn't fall out of the car…” Tyler's chest heaved.

Ben has never seen him cry before. Not really. Without thinking, Ben hurriedly took off his gloves, brushing Tyler's face softly, wiping away the tears.

“I hate this so much…” Tyler groaned. Their hands touched each other on the bed. “I'm so sorry for making you clean up after me…after my mess--”

Ben shook his head, motioning for Tyler to stop. He reached for his notebook.

It's not your fault, he wrote. You're okay.

Tyler said nothing. Those dark brown eyes were empty. Suddenly, his head dropped onto Ben's shoulder.

They didn't say anything.

+++++

Tyler was asleep. He either fell asleep from exhaustion or from stress, but Ben was glad he was sleeping all the same.

Carefully, he picked Tyler up, setting him down on the bed, near his sister. He probably wouldn't remember any of this in the morning.

Ben sat down on the bed, watching Tyler. His breaths were calmer now.

Slowly, he closed his eyes.

[shuutingstar]

HELP WHY DO I SEE SO MANY ANGST FICS EVERYWHERE?? GUYS STOP?? COME ON, THIS ISNT HEALTHY??

*ahem* anyway—

Family had many interpretations, Aiden learned. Family could be warm and sweet and comforting, but family could also be cold and cruel and a waste of time.

He didn’t have a need for his mother’s warm smile or his father’s comforting hugs. He didn’t want their affection or approval. Why should he need anything from them when all they’ve done is distant themselves from him?

Family meant cold meals and awkward dinners. Family meant empty houses and quiet rooms. Family meant missing any and all of his award ceremonies.

Family meant nothing to Aiden.

Sometimes, though, when the walls felt like they were caving in and the silence was too loud, he wondered what it would be like to have a family that cared.

Would his mother make him a warm breakfast with a smile on her face? Would his father pick him up from school and ask about his day? Would they care enough to love him?

It wasn’t good to dream. Aiden was well aware that dreaming about a better life would only sour his mood more. It didn’t help that he wanted a family, one that cared. He wanted to feel something other than the aching cold in his bones.

After a while, though, he learned to stop wanting. Wanting led to dreams of the impossible; to days where he felt like a stranger in his own skin. So he stopped wanting.

Instead, he pretended. He smiled and laughed as if nothing was wrong. He dyed his hair and put on eye contacts and stopped feeling like a stranger to himself. Nobody saw the broken boy inside him. Nobody knew who he truly was.

And he wanted to keep it that way.

Ben made things difficult. Ben gave him things he thought he’d never get. He gave him company, patience and love. Ben cared about him. Ben asked about his day; he listened when Aiden talked about his interests. It was almost surreal.

Ben gave him purpose and he was thankful. No, grateful. Smiling was easier with Ben around and laughing felt less forced than usual.

Then they moved and Aiden finally understood what a family was. He laughed and smiled and joked with his friends and almost forgot about the loneliness inside of him. They made living easier. And even though the phantoms weren’t ideal, Aiden was sure he’d never trade this for the world.

[kalcium-yippee]

Ben Angst go brrr

~

When he woke up he was nowhere. 

Or somewhere? Had to be somewhere.

Everything was confusing; he felt dizzy, like his brain was going to leak out of his ears at any second. He had to center himself, just for a moment. The drained walls of the facility pierced into his skull; he couldn’t see right. His breathing couldn’t keep up with his body, but he managed to set himself straight, if just for a moment. ‘Where am I?! Where the hell am I?!’ Ben’s thoughts continued to race with the same words over and over and over and over. He gripped the sheets of the bed below him, ‘am I back in the hospital?’ Ben felt sick to the pit of his stomach. ‘I can’t be back there. I can’t be back. I can’t be back…’ Logically, Ben knew that he wasn’t back in the hospital, last he remembered, he was back at the school. At the school. At the…school. He was drugged. Some men plowed in and drugged him; they got Logan and Taylor, and then all memories since then faded away. ‘I didn’t do anything... I was out immediately... Why did it happen?... I should have done something. What if I- I could have… I- maybe, if…but..’ He couldn’t get his thoughts straight; the moment of clarity delved into rage.

‘I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person anymore, I’m not an angry person, I’m not an angry person, I’m not an angry person, I’m not an angry person, I’m not angry I’m not angry I’m not angry I’m not angry I’m not angry I’m not ANGRY.’ His fist hit smack against the tiled wall. Nothing happened. His knuckles hurt. Nothing happened. Something needs to happen. 

A sense of what felt like acid bubbling in his stomach started creeping its way up his throat. His thoughts were everywhere but where they needed to be. He immediately stood up and kicked his bare foot into the bed frame. Nothing Happened. His foot hurt. Nothing happened. ‘Something needs to happen’. He was swiftly blind with rage. The shaking feeling in his fist wouldn’t cease. He looked around and stomped towards the wood table, keeping tears back.. ‘I can’t do this, I need to sit down.’ he tried to remind himself but it was hopeless. He grabbed the table and threw it. He didn’t know in what direction. He just heard it hit the wall and a rush shivered up his spine. He reached for anything in his blurred view. Anything at all. He didn't even know what he was grabbing; he was just throwing and throwing. Ripping out dresser drawers, tearing up a sheet, kicking pillows. He grabbed the frame of the bed and lifted it. He tried to scream but nothing happened. 

It seems he forgot how. 

He slammed his head into the still held up bed frame, ‘why am I still like this.’ A tear worked down his face, he hastily wiped it off with one arm and with all the strength he could muster, he flipped the entire bed over, the icing on his disaster of a cake. “why” He barely said in a whisper. The sound of his own twisted, disgusting voice sent him a step back, he practically fell to his knees, he saw his reflection in the tiled floor and just started punching the ground. ‘whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy’ his thoughts kept repeating over and over again. Why did he have to be bullied? Why did he have to be beat? Why did he have to say goodbye to his passion? Why did he have to get stuck fighting Phantoms every night? Why did he get taken out? Why did he not manage to fight back? Why was he here? Why…..’why am I angry’.

He looked at his reflection on the floor. There was a bit of blood on his knuckles and dripping over his miserable reflection. Ben stood up and took a few steps back. He looked at the masterpiece the monster inside him made. The shaking feeling in his fist was gone. He sighed. Back against the wall, he slid down to the floor and sat in guilt and shame. ‘why’.

~

Absolute yap fest, hope you enjoyed😭🙏

[womp-womp-waa]

I need fics with people talking about Aiden's depression