#being trans and cis are really just natural differences

[uncanny-tranny]

how did you know you were trans as a kid?

A lot of my understanding of my past has honestly been about being able to look in the past.

As a kid, I simply did what I did to placate others because I wanted to be loved at the expense of myself. I realize many people who are cis have experienced this, but I have tried working in the framework of my expected gender. I have tried multiple ways to present and identify, and the whole thing just felt like a performance. I also just saw myself completely different than how I was expected. I used to be convinced that my voice "sounded male" and that made me feel happy. That's why I simply don't buy that there's "no such thing" as trans kids, y'know? I didn't know gay people existed until I was much older, much less trans people, but I still experienced feelings I do to this day. I never changed, the language did.

Once I came out to myself, everything felt like it fit into place. I suddenly felt the need to be myself, and my life felt like mine instead of being other peoples' lives.

[radelenagreco]

i'm #newtoradblr i've spent so much time these past two weeks scrolling through radfem blogs i knew i had to make an actual radfem side of tumblr blog for my own sanity. the way i "peaked" is kinda funny 3-4 months ago i liked a radfem post without realizing and all of a sudden i had other radfem posts recommended to me by the algorithm and i was so annoyed because i was very anti-terf etc but for a couple days i read through a bunch of radfem blogs and it was actually such a relief to encounter FEMINISM not some watered down version of it but i felt guilty due to 5+ years of conditioning (and also because i had a nonbinary friend sitting right next to me in class as i was doing this) and i also didn't like the prominent use of the word moid? but anyway, 3 months later, i'm not sure why but the mra nature of the trans movement has grown so much more apparent to me i have like three mutuals who are trans men on my other blog and i would find myself rereading the few feminist posts i would reblog/write because these people are literally reblogging shit like "don't think like a terf. men aren't your oppressors, they're your friends/neighbors/brothers/fathers. if you think that any man could harm you you have been fooled by terf rhetoric" like actual morons/meninists. anyway two weeks ago i saw a post made by someone i knew was a radfem on my twitter tl and i don't know why i knew i was ready i went through her blog and through many others and now here i am.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

every now and then i think about my one interpretation of emma as a deeply closeted trans man radfem with a ton of internalized transphobia and antimasculism, who takes her issues with her identity out on the people around her instead of unpacking them and accepting herself. and i think, i need to draw a comic about this

[lumalalu]

deleted that rb cause i read it again a little closer but u people r so obsessed with dictating what does and does not happen to trans men. all these stupid little rules.

[thatfeyboy]

I need to know why it makes people so unreasonably upset to suggest that some dysphoric trans people probably should be considered intersex. Do you just. Hate trans people? Or is it because anything that makes trans physical isn't allowed?

It has been stated many many times that not all trans people have dysphoria, and not all trans people that do experience the same dysphoria. It has been harped on that gender is social and about presentation and isn't binary. Fine. But somehow when I or people like me talk about having physical and immutable dysphoria that doesn't stem from social means it's not ok. When I bring up that yes, some parts of the brain control your hormones and gonads, and yes, some parts recognize what you are and should look like, im treated like a fucking gender critical.

Why is it wrong to say that parts of the brain do in fact qualify as sex related because that's what they are for? If they dont physically square with the binary(naturally, not through intervention) then that person is not binary/intersex in their physical disposition by definition. It's not exactly a hard concept to grasp.

And because I have to, no, most aspects of the brain are not related to our bimodal sex system. There can in fact be gender/sex nuance in certain parts of the brain without claiming male and female type brains exist as a whole. Fear of some shitty crack pot idea should not prevent people from understanding scientific inquiry and research.

Being intersex does not make the trans experience more or less valid/real. But I'm tired of pretending I'm a man for reasons that absolutely don't apply to me. Nothing about my being trans has anything to do with how I want to socially be, aside as an extension of others viewing my body as I wish it to be. If there is really room in the community for all of us, then my saying that some of our experience is different shouldn't be a problem.

EDIT: Thank you for some of your responses. I would like to amend my statement slightly. When I mentioned intersex I was more trying to imply, as I lacked a better word, that it is clear some if not most trans people that experience dysphoria have a physical developmental reason for that, likely epigenetic, genetic, and pre natal conditions. This type of sense is in most people, including cis people, hence why you cannot train someone to be a gender they aren't(no desistance of gender identity in both cis and trans people regardless of treatment). If intersex is to be interpreted as things exclusively affecting external or internal primary sex traits(as to be read, physically involved in the act of procreation) that are only ever natal, then I am ok in accepting intersex is not the best fit(except for that PCOS study but not super relevant rn).

That being said, I do still believe it is a part of sex and sex/gender development and that it is a physical condition(most anatomy based dysphoria). I don't see why it being a part of sex and sex development is a problem, when it has no other answer that satisfies our actual understanding of the condition and those peoples experience. Anything based on socialization has been disproven time and time again, so when are we going to stop acting like this

[hideawaysis]

genuinely i don't think those people who say binary trans lesboys are just straight trans men have ANY idea how different the lesboy experience is from being straight. before i realized i wasn't cis, i was a cis girl that liked other girls - a lesbian. when i first came out, i identified as a binary trans boy, but the nature of my attraction never changed; there was always something about it that was just. inexorably queer in that it was tied to the gender i was assigned at birth, and how i'd identified beforehand. and i had no idea how to deal with that! i kept trying to shove myself into boxes that made sense - i'm gynesexual, i'm nonbinary, i'm a nonbinary lesbian, i'm a transmasc lesbian who isn't really a man. none of them felt like they fit me. i remember back then i was a truscum exclusionist too - if you're really trans you have to be this way, you can't be a boy and a lesbian, that's impossible. and even after i got out of that bigoted rut, i still felt the effects of it on me. i thought, why can't i just decide on a label that fits me? i can't be a binary trans man and a lesbian, i've been told that's horrible and doesn't make sense. what choice do i have here?

now that ive started letting myself be who i am, a trans guy who is bi and a lesboy, i genuinely feel so liberated. not because id felt left out beforehand, but because this is what ive always been. im finally letting myself be myself. i'm a boy. i'm a butch. i'm a dyke. deal with it.

[fozmeadows]

TERFism really is just white beauty politics in a pseudo-feminist hat, because there's simply no escaping the fact that every concern-trolling argument TERFs make against transition, and particularly towards trans men, boils down to the worst thing you can be is an ugly woman, where "ugly" is code for "insufficiently young, white and/or traditionally feminine."

The ridiculing of trans women, for instance, centers disgust at the idea of anyone with traditionally "masculine" features attempting to pass as female, which - as has been well-documented by this point - frequently sees butch women, women of colour, older women, tall women, strong women, and any other woman who doesn't fit this dogwhistle standard of prettiness caught in the crossfire. Masculinity is incompatible with beauty, this logic goes, and all women must be beautiful. Ergo, the more masculine you appear, the less female you are. TERFs, of course, will try to deny their active participation in anything so ragingly unfeminist as policing women's bodies in pursuit of a narrow physical ideal, and yet, as the recent furor over Imane Khalif has roundly shown, this is exactly what they end up doing: an endless reinvention of new and shittier forms of phrenology to explain why this woman or that is not, in fact, really a woman.

Accepting trans women who don't, by conventional standards, pass, means accepting the femininity of women - both cis and trans - who diverge from these beauty standards: who have facial hair or receding hairlines, deep voices or big hands and feet, who are muscular or tall or strong-jawed, who are either incapable or undesirous of pregnancy, or one of a thousand other things we're told (despite the fact that humans are not a strongly dimorphic species) are exclusively masculine traits. But trans women who do pass engender a different terror: the fear that beauty is not an exclusively "feminine" inheritance, such that someone deemed a man might natively posses it and thereby render "real" feminine beauty somehow less special.

And then we have the scaremongering around trans men, which frequently presents as "concern" over, specifically, impressionable girls and young women being tricked into harming their healthy bodies by the nefarious Trans Cabal. That this same concern is never extended to adult women is the giveaway, because adult women are, by this reckoning, inherently less valuable, being neither as pretty nor as fertile as their younger counterparts. It's already too late to prevent their inevitable descent into the ugliness of ageing, and either they're parents already (in which case, their biological purpose has been served, thus rendering their identities past that point moot) or else have been written off as too old for childbearing anyway (which adds to their irrelevance).

Which makes it all the more ironic how many of the stated negatives of transition for trans men dovetails with things the cis female body normally does as it ages and/or postpartum. Long-term binding is decried for the way it causes the breasts to sag or deform and the nipples to enlarge, for instance, when this is exactly what happens as a consequence of pregnancy and breastfeeding. An increase in facial and body hair is common for post-menopausal women, let alone those with PCOS. Plenty of women naturally have deep voices, with many growing raspier regardless with age, while both ageing and childbirth inevitably alter the appearance of genitalia, sometimes radically. Even top surgery, the procedure most maligned as "butchery," has its cis analogues: not only for survivors of breast cancer or those who, due to genetic predisposition towards aggressive forms of it, opt for preventative mastectomies, but those who undergo breast reduction surgery, whether for cosmetic or health reasons - while some women, on yet a third hand, are natively flat-chested.

Taken together, then, what unifies the demonizing fear of trans women and the infantilizing dismissal of trans men by TERFs is an obsession with a specific, youth-and-Eurocentric-based notion of female beauty, where being deemed too masculine in either direction is the disqualifying factor. In TERFlandia, masculinity therefore becomes a synonym for ugliness: trans women can't shed it sufficiently to be counted at any age (unless they pass, which is a prospect too terrifying to countenance), while trans men must be stopped at all costs from embracing it (unless they're already old, in which case they no longer matter). Which is not to say that transphobia more broadly lacks for other avenues of attack; it's just that concern around trans bodies and the necessity of controlling them inevitably circles back to beauty, youth and fertility as the abiding hallmarks of womanhood, and as soon as you point this out, all the other arguments start to unravel.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

"Miguel isn't Spider-Man"

[A short essay where I explain why I think this theory doesn't make sense - and why believing it CONTRADICTS ourselves]

The idea that Miguel isn't Spider-man is erroreous in my eyes for one reason: it's hypocritical.

Miguel's biggest error and problem is that he doubts Miles is Spider-Man.

Miguel puts strict limitations on what Spider-Man is and isn't, and because Miles falls out of the definition, he treats him differently. That's a problem.

By questioning if Miguel is Spider-Man, you're doing the exact same thing.

By saying 'Miguel isn't Spider-Man because x,y,z' (he wasn't bitten, he has different powers, he needs shots, etc, etc) YOU are putting strict limitations on what Spider-Man is - and treating him differently for it.

That's why Miguel was chosen as the Society Leader.

In SM2099 Miguel is a geneticist - there's really nothing in his comic books that suggest he could time travel of all things.

The writers chose Miguel as the leader because fundamentally, his story makes him different from all other Spider-people.

That difference invites you to question Miguel's authenticity, effectively tricking you into making the exact same mistake he is.

Miguel is an outsider looking into Miles story, questioning his legitimacy, and trying to determine his personality and destiny based on that.

By questioning Miguel, you BECOME Miguel. You become the outsider looking into Miguel's story, questioning his legitimacy, trying to determine his personality and destiny based on your limited idea of what a Spider-Man is.

The entire point is : ANYONE can be Spider-Man regardless of their story, the way it came about, or the powers they have.

Many people question that if Miguel wasn't bitten never consider the question:

Was MARGO bitten?

Margo, like Miguel, uses technology to acquire most of her powers. Her powers are fundamentally different than most Spider-people. She can teleport and directly interact with technology in a way others can't. We have no idea whether she was bitten or not, but from the looks of it, the answer might be 'no'.

But no one ever questions her legitimacy. Only Miguel's.

Because questioning Miguel confirms their bias against him.

The same way Miguel questioning Miles confirms his bias against him.

Miguel thinks Miles is the universal anamoly, so he begins to pick apart why he's not really Spider-Man. When you theorize that MIGUEL is in fact the anamoly, you begin to pick apart why he's not really Spider-Man - effectively putting you in Miguel's position, turning you into the same thing you were judging him for to begin with.

The whole point of ATSV is that anyone can put on the mask.

PLUS with the inclusion of the trans!Gwen hints throughout the movies - questioning Miguel because he takes shots in order to confirm his identity as Spider-Man becomes even more questionable.

Just because he needs an outside force like shots to confirm his identity, doesn't make him any less of that identity. People who are 'biologically/naturally' Spider-people aren't 'more' of a Spider-person than Miguel. The same way cis guys aren't more 'manly' than trans men who take shots.

But Miguel's story being an allegory for transness is another conversation for another day.

The point of the movies isn't 'Miles is Spider-Man'. The point is 'Anyone can be Spider-Man. No one can decide your story or identity for you.'

By questioning Miguel's identity as Spider-Man you're ignoring the message Miles keeps trying to hammer home.

When you question Miguel, you become Miguel.

In short: Miguel is Spider-Man, Miles is Spider-Man. They're all Spider-Man. There is no one definition of Spider-Man.

MIGUEL IS SPIDER-MAN AHHHHH

I rest my case.

(actual photo of me defending Miguel in court. I am his lawyer.)

This isn't me trying to shit on people who believe this theory, but it's just my personal two cents of why I think it doesn't add up in the general scheme and message of the movies. 💖

ANYWAY here's Miguel

BYE.

[necromancelena]

Maybe it's different for transfemmes, but for me, a real part of the femme biromantic experience is being with all kinds of women. Of all the women & trans women I know, so many trans women are exclusively t4t, while the cis women are open to anyone, even if they're trans. I really don't know why it's like this.

Partly the dangers of seeking dating in a world that simultaneously views us as sexual objects to be fetishised while also painting our sexualities as something inherently dangerous and predatory, partly the nature of community giving shared experiences that can expedite making connections, partly learning to love yourself through loving others that are just like you, partly a lot of reasons but mostly because trans people are infinitely worth loving and no one understands that more than other trans people.

...

Also because other trans people are less likely to say something like "women and trans women" and expose that in your mind trans women are an entirely separate gender and denying us our womanhood. Also the fact that your first instinct at noticing such a trend is to place blame on trans women rather than acknowledge that not all cis women treat us very well and cis women are in fact very capable of committing violence against us. But I digress.

[ftmtftm]

I've been scrolling through your blog, and I saw your post about discussing the racialized nature of gender. As someone who has several transmasc POC friends, and someone who's a nonbinary POC themself, I wanted to give my 2 cents.

It's important to understand that "woman" in the "man vs woman" gender binary is a colonialist, white supremacist construct, especially in Western countries where you are the numerical minority. My trans friends aren't on T, they haven't gotten top surgery, we are all quite young. But they all have numerous stories about being addressed as "sir" which brings them euphoria but as one person said, while we were making fun of the amount of white people in our club, "Due to my race and skin color, I get masculinized."

And again I'd like to emphasize, that since we're young, none of us really have medically transitioned due to financial and familial barriers. Their hair is long, our binders we definitely have notable chests, and even if they dress masculine, it's notable that no one in our communities would ever gender us properly. It's often white people calling them "sir." Again, I think this reflects how gender performances in mainstream queer communities are deeply White. Like, trans boys talk about having haircuts, but only one of my friends has that wavier, more manageable hair that will help them pass. When you've got curly/kinky hair, the standards are different. For a white person, what's the difference between a "girl" Afro and a boy "Afro"? White cis people have a harder time identifying us, and literally talk to any black girl, and they'll tell you about being mocked, dehumanized, and called "manly".

I don't have much else to say. These are just my personal experiences. But if you want to be an ally to POC in the queer community, this is why it's so fucking important to bring in colonialism/imperialism/white supremacy into discussions of queer liberation. My biggest gripe with ignorant white queers is when they ignore their white privilege, and act like "cishets" (AKA the patriarchal system regulating sexuality and gender) is the only enemy. Because cishet POC deal with plenty of shit with being infantilized, masculinized, feminized, seen as brutish & dangerous, the list goes on. Doberbutts had a post saying, "Believe me, your family's going to care more about me being black than my queerness." towards his white partners. Acknowledging and creating a framework that centers these intersections of queerness and race into your beliefs is true allyship. This is why if you're not anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist, ACAB...I do not think you care for queer liberation. None of us are free until all of us are free.

Please don't view this post as an attack. But this is my perspective, and I thought you'd be receptive to me sharing my lived experiences.

Oh I absolutely don't view this ask as an attack, and I really appreciate you bringing these things up because you're right! Like, just very plainly: You are right and your and your friends lived experiences are extremely important to the conversation on the racialized aspects of gender.

It gets me thinking about where Misogynoir and the social White Fear of Black manhood intersect for Black trans men in particular. Because Black women and Women of Color in general are masculinized by White gender standards and the ways in which Black trans masculine people are gendered in alignment with their identity is absolutely not always done with gender affirming intent. In fact, it's often actually done with racist intent or is fueled by racist bias when it's coming from White people or even from non-Black POC.

That's kind of restating things you've said but differently, it's just such a topic worth highlighting explicitly since it's extremely relevant to the conversation that's been happening about Male Privilege here the last few days.

I do think I know exactly what @doberbutts post you're talking about and yeah. It's just truth. It's something Black queer people have been talking about for ages in both theory and in pop culture (my mind immediately goes to Kevin Abstract and "American Boyfriend") where Black queer/trans identity is both materially different from (neutral) and is treated differently from (negative) White queer/trans identity in multitudes of ways and those differences are worth sharing and exploring and talking about.

Genuinely, thank you for sharing! I try really hard not to lead these kinds of conversations outside of explicitly referencing back to non-White theorists because I don't particularly feel like it's my place to do so, but I will always provide a platform for them because they're extremely important conversations to be had.

[homunculus-argument]

hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, you’re one of the few trans people i’ve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured i’d pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) — i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not

so i’m also a trans guy, but i haven’t been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but i’ll move out soon, and i still can’t decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. i’ve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i don’t really care about how my body looks + i’ve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy — i don’t mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i can’t help but feel like i’d be laughed at for wanting that — i’m not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like i’m… betraying the trans community, since i’m not really putting the effort into my transition and so i’m just ‘pretending’, even though i do know i’m not.

so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who don’t want to medically transition, and do you think it’s possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people i’m a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume ‘straight guy’, but also, as a trans person who doesn’t want to medically transition, i’m just always worried that i won’t be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one — i would try being open myself, but again, i’m still living with my parents unfortunately.

I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.

She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.

It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.

It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.

Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.

[drdemonprince]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and willingness to explain how queer spaces can be a lot less transphobic than discourse within the trans community can make it seem. A lot of the past few years for me have been spent closeted out of fear that reactions around me would be uniformly hostile. Things are obviously going to be different for me as a transfem, but I have a much easier time being optimistic now!

I am so glad! Listen, the people who post online all the time about how miserably hard it is to find a place for oneself as a trans person create a kind of reverse survivorship bias. They are the people who have already convinced themselves it's best to forever remain closeted or that forging any kind of accepting community for oneself is impossible. Often, they are also people who once harbored unrealistic fantasies about just strolling up one day into a pre-existing community that was perfect for them, not realizing that we must form our relationships painstakingly one by one (it tends to be the white eggs/unhappy lonely trans people who are most prone to thinking of community in that way). there's plenty of trans guys who are doomers like this too and they really tend to actively encourage one another to remain locked away. it's like incel kind of behavior when it's taken to its most extreme form. sometimes, it can be outwardly really nasty homophobic shit too (especially among "afabs" who complain about "cis gays" never accepting them and being super privileged). in its milder form, it's just extreme trauma brain.

The people you do not hear from so much are the people who are busy out in the world going on dates, acting in plays, getting their asses spanked in dungeons, playing tabletop roleplaying games, and going to farmer's markets with their three also transgender wives. Those are the people who know (that is to say, have learned!) how to interact with their fellow queer people, have spent some time out in the community, and in all likelihood have many rich friendships with cis lesbians, cis gay men, enbies, asexuals, bisexuals, straight ish poly people, and everybody else under our big umbrella.

I don't want to be overly pollyannaish because of course trans people have a tough time, and especially trans women have unfortunately to be on the lookout for really vile transmisogyny. But I think when people are wounded and traumatized by these things, they sometimes make the entire world sound incredibly unwelcoming, which creates a self-limiting feedback loop of isolation and mistrust. That is what trauma does! But it is not the truth. and we only learn otherwise when we give other people the chance to prove our worst fears wrong.

Like, just for an example, this Sunday I was at a silent book club at Dorothy, a gay bar on the west side that skews lesbian but is for everyone. I'd never been there before but it was an absolutely charming experience! Dozens upon dozens of lesbians draped over couches and curled up in chairs with their books, quaffing cocktails, alongside a few random dots of gay and/or trans men. Trans women were just a natural completely unremarkable feature of this environment. I couldn't even tell you how many t girls were there. It would be like counting plus sized girls or butches at this lesbian function. If it's a good lesbian function, there's gonna be a diverse crowd and it won't be weird or a big deal to anyone, they'll just be like any other women there. a lot of the big lesbian events here in Chicago (like Strapped) are organized by trans women, so of course there's a robust trans femme presence there.

And all of these groups at this function were getting laid. the couches were overflowing with women, so many that girls were grabbing pillows to sit on and huddle together with their books on the floor. Girls canoodled and cuddled on couches. I saw a cis alt girl covered in facial piercings flirting with a very prim and proper trans girl who was dressed like a victorian governness. they didnt know one another, but after the silent book club hour was done, they left for a while together, then came back with some food. across from me and my friends, i watched them gathering up on the couch, the space between their bodies slowly closing up into nothing over the course of the evening. they flirted and touched and then left the bar together to (and im no expert on body language but i could pick up on this one) fuck eachothers tits right off.

and of course plenty of other lesbians and wlw paired off or tripled off and had their fun too. again, just like steamworks, fat people, thin people, black and brown people, white people, disabled people, neurodivergent people, trans people, older people, younger people, everybody was there. like any good queer space, it was just a reflection of humanity. there is always more that can be done to make these spaces more broadly accessible to full community. but part of that is by putting ourselves there.

again i dont mean to make it sound like finding and making one's space is easy! especially not for trans women! but I also don't want people to get seduced by the hopeless jadedness that some foment online. there are spaces that some trans women I know will never go to -- even an explicitly trans affirming bookstore like Women and Children First gives many trans women I know bad vibes they cant quite explain but all feel (the store is owned and run by old white cis lesbians, it's not surprising to me that it's a little fucked no matter their good intentions) -- and ive heard people say transmisogynistic stuff at events, particularly from "ill date anybody but cis men" type t boys (my brothers, i hate you). shit can be tough. very tough. but also, the world isn't all uniformly as hostile as it's made out to be. there are people who are desperate to meet you. I hope you will come out to find them.

[coyoteprince]

Some thoughts on the masculine side of my gender experience and how it ties into vulnerability

I am nonbinary, I believe some flavor of fluid, but I just read as a goth cis woman to the layperson. That's fine and good, there is a safety and privilege in being stealth even with the alternative way I dress, but there also feels like a safe with something precious I keep locked away in me.

I take comfort in referring to myself as a "woman with a man's personality" and likening myself to a kelpie or nymph: beautiful, soft, but merely a vision of a woman: in reality underneath the gossamer, a beast that fails man's words.

Occasionally, something stirs to life in me, similar but different: those feelings of masculinity. I am naturally positioned by my genes (I can grow a shitty sparse beard) and temperament to have some secondary features- but thats it.

And yet, when the pangs of longing ache, they come on suddenly and harsh and I feel trapped.

There is nothing I can truly do to feel comfortable with the swing of identity. Only shapeshifiting back and forth could satisfy me which is impossible. Yes, I could seek hormones or surgery, but I have decided for now to not for a variety of reasons. As part of that, I've always been rather... defensive and secretive about the masculine part of my identity. I have a secondary masculine name I only allow people I trust to call me, and this dumb tumblr post is the first time I'm admitting some rather personal things to the public eye.

I'm well aware today many won't respect the nature of my gender just because I am a ~nonbinary girl~ and not seeking permanent transition, but even before that the thought of being trans was too much for me.

The first time I realized I was trans I wasn't older than 15 and noticed the thoughts I was experiencing about wanting to feel like a boy. It frightened me so bad that I vowed to never give it attention again specifically because I already knew I was queer, mentally different, being abused, and "didn't need another target on my back". Haha. Hahaha

Ignoring those thoughts hasn't been too hard except when I see the ghost of my identity. Then it is overwhelming, like a wave crashing over me and threatening to sweep me into the tide. Painful and exhilarating all at once. Before I know it, it's gone again.

I read and watched The Outsiders in middleschool, as did many. I latched onto Johnny, a greaser kid with an abusive family who tried to play tough but was really just an incredibly scared, sweet runt. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I identified so hard with him but hindsight is 20/20. Despite the hamminess of Outsiders, I continue to hold a fondness.

Later, when I became comfortable with my nonbinary ID (something that was quite difficult for me) and an adult, I saw another ghost. A theme now set: soft hearted greasers. The first time I heard this I curled up and couldn't stop replaying it even though it made my chest ache.

Finally, the last ghost I've seen and what really made it all click for me was Izzy.

I was neutral of Izzy for the first season (sorry my old man fucker peers), but seeing him become disabled and starting to soften made me intrigued. Then, the drag scene and him singing: I yelped in excitement, bewilderment, and bawled like never before. It was the most intense gender euphoria I've ever felt. Izzy shot to the top of my favorite characters ever in an instant with all he grew to embody.

I guess I identify with boys clad in leather, forced to become rugged in all the wrong ways. Underneath, a natural softness terrified but desperate to show itself.

You can see this in Waite, too: A handsome, dark man who is oh so soft underneath. It's no secret that in my story over time he accepts his nonbinary identity and allows his truth to be seen framed by carnations and frill. Perhaps he is what I wish I was.

On the other hand, Degare is somewhat closer to my reality. A gender all his own, effeminant masculine mannerisms, fairly feminine dress, breasts and vagina and all- though he is still often more masculine than how I present. In contrast to Waite's uneasy fear of judgement, he tries to guard his natural softness rather aggressively out of fear of being taken advantage of.

I'm sure to many reading this I sound like a transmasc "egg" that hasn't cracked yet. To others, very mentally ill. Maybe to some who are fluid, they know the wish-washy feelings.

Either way, I'm a proud freak and I've worked hard to not allow others to hold power over how I view myself anymore. These past 4 years through a cocktail of treatments (though meditation and practice have been the biggest game changers) I've diligently learned how to balance being openly loving to all and authentic- yet protecting my energy and staying sure of my identity no matter another's opinion. Misery loves company and bitter, paranoid gossips and I no longer get along.

Softness, kindness, vulnerability for others and yourself are all difficult, at times seemingly impossible things to achieve when you come from a harsh upbringing and live in a world bombarded by bad news. Change in your view and behavior is excrusiating. But I believe striving for authenticity and love is the most important thing we can do as humans in this life.

Whether I end up transitioning down the line or staying as I am, I've learned to cherish these flashes of masculine desire and be empowered by vulnerability- and I don't regret it.

[decolonize-the-everything]

I saw you post with quote from whipping girl in a post, and I want to share some perspective on what I think of transandrophobia as a transmasc who is not too fond of the term.

When it comes to discussions of oppression, I've never felt put down or discarded due to the word "transmisogyny". In fact I've just felt this word has just made sense. Not only is it the next step in intersectionality for transfems, it also encompasses experiences that are unique to transfeminity that all transfems experience.

Transandrophobia/transmisandry is not so cut and clean.

We can assume that, as a transmasc, we have experiences that transfems don't have and that much is true. After all, many transfems will not experience the want to go on testosterone, but in the end I can't find much else that is unique to transmasculinity. Hell, not even all transmascs want that.

Transfems, many before transitioning, have been demeaned for being feminine and have maybe even felt the need to fight for every last shred of masculinity they could in order to feel safe or in the in group. I have felt much the same with my transition, so I don't believe this is a unique experience that transmascs face alone. Rather, it is what you are forced into to feel safe.

I have been with partners who do no respect my gender identity or sought me out specifically because I was trans (chaser) and this is also not unique to transmasculinity.

I have been assumed to be a woman and denied my masculinity just for my visible boobs that I cannot bind due to asthma. And while most transfems can probably not really relate to that specifically, I know the term "brick" was not made by cis people. And it just shows that conventional cissexist standards leak into trans ideals of passing for all groups of trans people.

All this to say, I don't think androphobia is what I've experienced at all. I've experienced crossections of oppression like ableism and transphobia, but when I've experienced other forms of oppression or abuse (Cat calling, sexual abuse, physical and verbal abuse) it was with the idea that I was a woman stepping out of line, not because they viewed me as a man. In fact when I've been misogynistically harassed, they had no clue I was a man at all. Just another woman to humiliate.

I've been called faggot, been viewed as a feminine man when I do pass, and it still feels much more as an extension of misogyny than what people describe to be androphobia. I feel more like I'm being equated to a woman in order to feel dehumanized and emasculated. Which I don't feel can be confidently described as "androphobia" even with the trans suffix.

It just also completely rubs me the wrong way when I see some transmascs group it together with "fighting for men's rights," because these ideologies have been used by misogynistic killers and fascists. (Source: https://everytownresearch.org/report/misogyny-extremism-and-gun-violence/#misogyny-extremism-and-online-radicalization)

I get wanting to describe unique experiences, but I truly do think it should be gone about a different way than trying to make it neat and congruent to the word transmisogyny. There are cross sections that need to be analyzed that I feel do not get encompassed in the transandrophobia model

For example, I'm Jewish, and I can say this to a room full of progressive thinkers and trans people and still get treated like the odd one out. It's to the point I don't even mention it anymore because it's such a hassle to deal with the questions and needless tokenization.

I'm disabled, and because of this I'm infantilized, not considered, and thought of as an annoyance even within trans spaces.

I'm fat, and because of this I cannot fit most standards that transmascs like to fit into. Even when I get top surgery, I'll need to leave some breast tissue so I still look natural because most fat men are not completely flat chested. My hips are high so even with fat redistribution I will not have the build that a lot transmascs get on T, and this will mean I experience passing much differently than a lot of my peers.

I feel these intersections are much better described with transphobia, because I do not feel hated and oppressed for being a man specifically. I feel hated and oppressed because I cannot be a man in the way people want me to be or because I can't be a woman in the way they feel I should be.

Tysm for this perspective. And before I say anything I wanna say that I'm not trying explain your oppression to you or tell you that your understanding of your own experiences is wrong.

I've been reading a lot and like I said Im reworking my own understanding of my gender based oppression it because as two spirit/nonbinary I'm never going to reach the ideal of woman, man, or even androgynous that has been set by white supremacy/eurocentrism.

I haven't called myself trans femme/masc for the same reason. The idea those things are based on weren't built for me and trying to make them fit feels as restrictive as it sounds.

My unique intersection of oppression has forced me to analyze gender not just as a tool used by sexists and white supremacists, but as a tool for self determination.

I'm looking at this not just as a non-femme trying to understand my gender, but also as a two-spirit trying to untangle the way colonialism has affected the gender is understood as a concept and attempting to decolonize it.

I'm gonna break it down how I see it under the cut.

•

And I will say that my actions in that regard will make some people Very Deeply fucking upset because your gender is a core aspect of a Lot of peoples identity and to be told it's inherently colonial might not make everyone super happy.

Like I said this post will make some people upset/defensive. I just ask you sit with that instead of coming to me about it right away, because all I'm doing is decentering colonial definitions & standards for gender to describe my experiences and understanding.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

It's a long lost and there's no read more. Gender is complex, did y'all know that?

Anyway,

Colonial standards of gender often include:

Subscribing & adhereing to the gender binary

Subscribing & adhereing to gender roles

Adhereing to western/eurocentric beauty standards

Which doesn't seem like a lot when it's just 3 points like that, but the way those ideas breakdown into subcategories and build on each other is complex.

So before you can adhere to a gender binary, you need to believe in one right? So let's break that down. Cuz really my issue starts at the very beginning.

The colonial binary is man/woman/other with man & woman being understood as two distinct and opposite genders

Behaviors & gender are also identified and split into two main binary categories: masculine & feminine and they are associated with men and women respectively

Man & Woman are are the basis and frame of reference for understanding gender as a whole

Other being used as a catch-all for anything that isn't defined by Man and/or Woman ex: non-binary, androgynous, neo-genders etc.

The level of belief to which you subscribe to the binary helps others determine your validity & value within the binary

Additionally, deviating from this binary or disagreeing with this binary increases your proximity to Other and reduces your proximity to Man and Woman

Conforming to the binary is rewarded by increasing your proximity to your gender of choice within the binary system.

None of that works for me. Most of what I do is neither feminine nor masculine. I'm just...existing. And that's what I want to do. I do not believe that just existing in a way that doesn't fit into the binary of masc/feminine should mean that I don't deserve the language to describe the gender I Do experience.

I'm not "other" I'm two spirit and that should have equal recognition, visibility, respect paid to it as Man & Woman do. It's why I don't really like using the word non-binary in fact! It literally just means "other" as far as I'm concerned.

Every woman is not a man but not every non-man is a woman, you know? We deserve language specific to our experiences too. Not even just to describe our oppression, but to describe our experiences which there is currently no structure for. Its all built for recognizing men & women and the experiences of Men & Women.

Likewise, me being so critical of it has landed me solidly in Other territory (even if my gender didn't) cuz the binary system we have now thinks "real" men and women don't have problems with gender (like I do).

But that's getting into gender roles so I guess I'll move into that now. We're all familiar with gender roles right?

Here's how I understand them:

The idea that you have an assigned duty or societal expectation to fulfill because of your gender

Gender roles control how you express your gender, the jobs available to you, how you behave, and even which responsibilities you have in the home

The roles you do/don't play help others determine the validuty of your gender & place in the binary.

Deviating from your gender role is perceived as a deviation from gender itself, again increasing your proximity to Other and reducing proximity to Man and Woman.

Conforming to your role is rewarded by increasing your proximity to your gender of choice within the binary system.

So as a native I know we have our own gender roles. In my tribe, they don't work like this. Very few of the gender roles in my community have the same exclusivity as traditional western gender roles, and historically all genders in my tribe have had a special & important role. Like I wanna make clear my problem isn't necessarily with gender roles, it's the colonial understanding of them, the same way my problem isn't with gender, it's with our understanding of it :3

And so, it's a no from me. Wtf you mean I'm less of a woman if I have a good job and a family? What do you mean I'm not a man if I'm a stay at home dad? Why is punching drywall considered more manly than taking your family out to dinner? Why is spending 2+ hours on your appearance a feminine trait??

Do non-binary people even have gender roles? No. And yet deviation from the norm that's assigned to you by both the gender binary and gender roles is a deviation itself. So by not having gender roles they are deviating inherently because the societal expectation is conformity.

And on that note I tried intentionally not use gendered language in this post where it's not necessary. I wrote this considering the perspectives of cis and trans women and men and nonbinary people in mind.

I hope reading this over you can begin to see why I don't believe that women are oppressed simply for being women, that trans people aren't simply oppressed for being trans, and why I think the systematic affects of gender should include not just people like me, but men too.

There are systems of belief at work here and they try very hard to maintain themselves. They are oppressive.

Like let's get into how the definition of genders doesn't exist. Only definitions of sex do. When you start trying to define gender you realize it's all loosely based on western/eurocentric beauty standards, bio-essentialism, and gender roles. Nothing else.

And I believe this is why especially Black women are attacked and accused of not being real women so much more often than other women (like we've seen with Imane Khelif just this week)

I mean it's even the running joke in TERF circles that a woman can't be defined outside of sex.

TERFs use that lack of definition in their favor specifically to regulate women and womanhood which I feel like speaks to the bigotry of it. People like TERFs get the pick the definition that excludes the women they don't like. Racists use the lack of definition to exclude Black and brown women, transphobes use the lack of definition to ban abortion,

I've seen the lack of definition and language to describe this experience hurt women over and over and over. And it's not just women.

Anything here also goes for men and nonbinary people

And again, I only stress that as a point to make because as a two spirit I am not afforded the privilege nor luxury of being able to not see how the current understanding (or lack thereof) of gender is part of my people's ongoing genocide.

I deserve language to talk about my experiences and I deserve to talk about them without someone else saying their right to speak on oppression is stronger than mine so I shouldn't speak at all.

So does everyone else.

Everyone deserves and needs to be able to talk to other people about their experiences. This is how we learn about shared experiences and can begin talking about the causes of them, relating and comforting one another, and eventually yes dismantling the systems harming us.

You can't build community if you do not allow the community to find itself and be built, you get me??

I'm two spirit and it hurts.

If after all this anyone still wants to tell me I can't talk about my own experiences or even create the language to talk about it because the pain "isn't real" or cuz women "have it worse" or because I'm "not specifically being targeted for being a (two spirit) like women are targeted"

Then I'd like to know which white supremacist gave them the authority to make that decision.

Cuz now as I've explained here, I fully believe gender as it's currently and systemically understood is inherently oppressive and targets anyone who deviates to uphold itself in the name of the patriarchy and colonization.

Likewise, it's my belief that since (cis) women have historically been the loudest people challenging the idea that men should be in charge, of course it would look like the patriarchy targets women. Historically, it was women who've demanded reform and change and so they are targets for being threats.

That said, one of the first things colonizers did when they got here was try to erase two spirit people, burn our histories, and destroyed other evidence of gender diversity. So the image is much less clear that women have been the only targets of the patriarchy. As I've written, I think anyone who deviates from the norm becomes a target because if you're outside the norm then you're a danger to the norm.

I like to think the way I see things gives room for multiple experiences to exist simultaneously and still holds people accountable where it's necessary too so pls lmk if and where it doesn't

So like....all that finally said.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that men aren't as much of a threat to the system because as we all know, they are men and as such they are systemically less inclined to fight the patriarchy that privileges them.

There is no NEED to systematically regulate men the same way that everyone else is regulated.

And I don't think trans men or non-binary men or feminine men or men of color are attacked for being men, no. I agree with that and I'm not saying otherwise.

I think they are attacked for deviating from the gender norm set by white colonizers/white supremacist/patriarchy and thus are attacked for being threats to it, as I think anyone who deviates from those norms will be targeted.

Which is the same underlying reason that any of us are ever targeted. So I think it's kinda shitty to be weird about it, yeah.

Insisting that All men need to be systemically targeted before we recognize the experiences of marginalized men is pretty straight up bigoted in every way it can be honestly.

And to make my point, all women are targeted by the patriarchy right and yet the only people in the spotlight of mainstream feminism are the people least affected: cishet white women.

So when you hear "we'll recognize the struggles of marginalized men later," Ask what that means and how they'll do it because most people can't even handle recognizing marginalized women. There are books and articles and stories and movies about how marginalized women feel abandoned by mainstream feminism, other women, and everyone else; especially Black women.

.....Colonizers don't want to recognize things or people they don't like.

And they don't address things they don't see as problems.

That includes the nuances of gender violence and gender inequality.

[genderkoolaid]

How do you respond to people who try to argue against various gender affirming surgeries with anorexic people wanting liposuction? I tried to point out that theres a lot of gender affirming surgeries for cis people who dont feel feminine/masculine enough, but my sister said that those people need therapy too. I feel that there's a difference between trans people and anorexic people but idk how to put it into words, im scared i accidentally made her more transphobic bc i didnt have arguments :(

Good question! It's important to question and critique our ideas of what separates "good, natural desires which should not be changed" from "bad, unnatural desires which should be changed," and I think sometimes trans people are too quick to reaffirm this binary in our attempts to defend transness.

I would say that the difference here is based in anxieties. Anorexia is born out of anxiety- which is to say, a persist concern over something that triggers strong emotional reactions and which you keep returning to over and over and over without resolution. Dysphoria can and does cause anxiety, but you can be dysphoric without having anxiety over it. You can have dysphoria, find relief, and be satisfied with your body, while there is never any satisfaction point with eating disorders. There is always a feeling of "not enough" because the desire to be skinnier is born out of anxiety over what it means to be fat & fatness' place in society (lesser value, moral weakness, medical abuse, etc.).

Like I said, dysphoria can and does cause anxiety. There are trans people who obsess over their bodies being too masculine/feminine because they are concerned with what it means for them to be too masculine/feminine: it means they aren't real, they are ugly, they're failure. And this is why its important for trans people to sit with our dysphoria and analyze it. If you are constantly worrying about your body being "real" enough, no amount of surgery or HRT will fix that (although it may fix many things).

Now, I am generally against any solution thats like "we should stop Those People from doing x because We know whats best for them!" because autonomy is a vital part of my beliefs, and I think that people rarely ever react well to being banned from doing something Because Mother Knows Best. The real goal with, say, EDs, is to get rid of the artificial desire for thinness by combating fatphobia (ah, if only all the anti-ED campaigns out there did this). The same with plastic surgery: I would much rather we focus on dismantling the system that makes people (esp. perceived women) feel they need to make their bodies fulfill the beauty standard, than saying that plastic surgery is Evil and we should stop anyone from ever getting it, because those little people aren't capable of using their basic right to bodily autonomy correctly. When we ban something, what we really want is to change people's desires. But that requires cultural change, and laws don't create cultural change out of thin air. Its like how yelling at your kids doesn't make them more honest or better people, it just makes them better liars.

Given that trans people exist in every society, potentially going back to the Stone Age, even after we unwork systemic misogyny & homophobia, trans people are still gonna want surgeries. So we should just work on combating those things instead of trying to control people's bodies.

[whereserpentswalk]

Remember that supporting nonbinary people means supporting nonbinary people who don't medically transition, or who don't look androgynous, or who don't dressed differently from what's expected of their assigned gender.

And when I say "support nonbinary people who don't differ in presentation from their agab" I don't just mean fully medically transitioned transmasc femboy or transfem butches (though those people are cool and valid). You have to support people who don't medically transition, and that doesn't just mean naturally androgynous afab people who fit a butch tomboy aesthetic, or naturally androgynous amab people who fit a femboy aesthetic (though those people are valid and cool), you have to support nonbinary people whose appearance doesn't fit into any aesthetic of nonbinaryness. And not just people who plan to medically transition, or dress differently someday, you have to accept nonbinary people whose presentation is probably not going to change.

There are a lot of nonbinary people who just kind of look like cis men or cis women, and you have to accept that they're still nonbinary, that they're still valued members of the community. Nonbinary isn't an aesthetic for you to consume, it's not something people perform for you. It's an internal identity, and it's a community. We don't choose to be nonbinary (most of the time), and we shouldn't have to look a certain way for who we are to be recognized.

It even goes into the way nonbinary people (and trans people in general) are complimented, where it's always so focused on how alien the complimenter sees them as. It's always "girlcock", "boy boobs", "they/them pussy", it feels so fetishistic. And it's not even about how sexual it is, like "UwU you're such a cute genderless girlboy" feels more fetishistic than "you have dick sucking eyes". It's this focus on how the viewer enjoys them specifically as a deviantion from what they consider a normal human, as opposed to just being attracted to someone who happens to be a deviation from what most humans are. Like, I want to see someone express attraction to a nonbinary person, as opposed to just being attracted to nonbinary people as a concept. Like can people on here even really be attracted to transfem penises as penises anymore, like be attracted to them as sexual body parts they presumably want to interact with sexually, as opposed to fetishizing them as masculine body parts on a woman.

And I use chasers as an example because it's both obvious and way too common. But this acceptance without humanization is so common in so many queer spaces, and it's specifically so common twords nonbinary people. The focus on bodies, and the focus on how those bodies differ from from what someone considers as normal. As opposed to focusing on human beings and their experiences. And I think it's why it's so hard for people to accept nonbinary people who don't look diffrent from how their agab is expected to look and never will, because you have to accept experiences over aesthetics to support those people.

Like, I need to stress that if you meet a nonbinary person, whose afab, and isn't medically transitioned, and dresses femininely, you still have to accept that they're nonbinary, you have to accept that they're 0% female if they say they're 0% female. And its not just that you need to use their pronouns, you also need to not think of them as female. And I'm specifically using a non medically transitioned afab person as an example here because the internet, especially the queer internet, seems to have a specific hatred for those people (which combined with how transfem people are talked about, and how certain cis queer people are talked about, it makes me think a lot of the queer internet inherently sees feminine bodies as lesser, and sees bodies as losing value the more feminine they become).

And there's two things I mean by "it's important to support these people". The first is just that it's a lot of nonbinary people who are like this, and a lot of them are uniquely vulnerable or invalidated, and they deserve your support and love and validation. But also because if you don't support nonbinary people who don't "look nonbinary enough" for you, every nonbinary person you know is one failure to present in a way you deem valid away from losing your support. When there's a way someone can fail at nonbinaryness to you, than there aren't any nonbinary people you truly unconditionally validate.

I have to admit that I am a nonbinary person who looks a lot like their agab myself. Not telling you if I'm afab or amab, but I am telling you that I have no plans to medically transition, and I don't dress in a way that screams nonbinary. And it sucks in certain ways, especially now that I'm in my twenties and I've lost a lot of weight (both of these are things I'm happy about in general btw), I look so diffrent from what anyone wants to validate. The only time I see art of nonbinary people who look like me it's when they're specifically the opposite agab to me. It sucks that I feel like for at least 25% of the community will either always see me as basically the gender I was assigned at birth, or they'll basically see me as a binary trans person waiting to happen.

This was a lot of words and I don't know how to end it. Please reblog to support me and nonbinary people like me. It's going to be depressing to tag this a few moments from now and see just how many fetish tags you see recommended when you try to tag something with words like "enby" or "nonbinary". It fucking sucks that I see "#enby feedee" before I see "#enby pride".