#being this already insecure teenager constantly expecting people to be putting me down in ways my autistic brain cant comprehend

[devotedlystrangewizard]

i dont like saying astarion is my least favorite of the companions because it makes me feel like im such a "look at me im so special" guy but he honest to fucking god. is my least favorite. i cannot keep silent on this matter. i think hes a good character, i think neil did a fantastic job with him, but also hes committed the unforgiveable sin of annoying me and for that he gets one thousand years in brain jail

[spideymarvelws]

What would frat Peter! Be like if he found out the reader is a Virgin?

i put to much time into this

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My Taglists

Warnings : SMUT! (dirty talk, slight degrading, protected sex, oral [fem rec]), cursing, floof, peter going from simp to cocky real quick

Word Count : 4.6k (okay why is this longer than 90% of my oneshots i-)

Frat!Peter finding out the fem!reader is a virgin

It all starts when you and Mj are lounging in your shared apartment watching a movie like you both did every Sunday

The both of you were cuddled into the endless amount of blankets on either side of the couch, eyes trained on the bright screen in front of you

But your mind was focused on something else, namely a certain brown haired boy that just couldn’t seen to leave you alone

Peteyboi💗👀: hows the movie going lovebug??

you : lovebug?

you : thats a new one

Peteyboi💗👀: just trying out new things

Peteyboi💗👀: spicing stuff up a bit yk?

Peteyboi💗👀: do you like it?

you : im not really opposed to it

Peteyboi💗👀: ill add it to the list then

you : list?!

Peteyboi💗👀: pretend you didn't read that

You giggled at your boyfriends words, mouthing a quick sorry to MJ when she gave you a hard glare with the sudden burst of noise

But you couldn't help it, every time you saw the notification pop up on your phone, you couldn't help but act like a lovesick teenager falling in love for the first time

At this point the both of you had been dating for around seven months

Seven months of cliche coffee dates and pulling all nighters

Seven months of stolen kisses in the library or holding hands under the table during lectures

Seven months of pure bliss

“So why haven’t you guys fucked yet?” MJ said abruptly shaking you out of your love sick stare texting Peter

“I’m sorry, what!?”

“You know,” she pounded her fist into the palm of her hand repeatedly, “Sex,”

 “What- I-” you shook your head, trying to process her words, “How did this come up all of a sudden?”

“Since you decided to ignore me on our movie night,” she smirked, “Were you sexting him?”

“WHAT!”

“So I���ll take that as a no?”

“Yes thats a no!” you buried yourself further into the blankets, “Should-” you took a deep breath, “should it be a yes?”

“I don’t know, should it?”

“Oh that’s a good question! Almost like I already asked it,”

Mj laughed at your pouty glare

“No, no it shouldn’t,” she rested a comforting hand on your leg, “Do you want it to be though?”

Yes you did

More than anything

It was stupid, but what you had with Peter was different from anything you’ve had with other people in the past

He was everything a girl could ask for, smart, caring and a sweet personality that could make anyone smile

Let’s not mention his impressive build

And out of all the girls and guys that threw themselves at him, he choose you to love

You wanted to take that step with him, but you were scared that he would reject you

You weren’t experienced, in any way, to the point where you were completely innocent 

And you were dating a frat boy, the name that carried the reputation of sleeping around with most people on campus

How could you match up to that?

You couldn’t help but feel insecure in that area

The most you’ve ever went with Peter was a heavy make-out, it happened quite often too but he always stopped things before they went any further

There wasn’t any explanation, only peter bringing you close to cuddle for the rest of the night, forgetting the spit covering his lips and neck

Which lead you to make your own and none of them were exactly positive

Didn’t stop you from imagining a life where he wouldn’t drop you figuring how untalented you were in bed though

Or just daydreaming of him railing you out of existence

im looking you

“Yes?” you covering your face with your hands, embarrassed with your confession, “I don’t know about him though,”

MJ was aware that you were a virgin but only scoffed at your answer, “Oh come on, that boy is head over heels for you, why wouldn’t he want to fuck you,”

You felt your face heat up with the choose of words, “If he did wouldn’t he have made a move by now?”

“Better question, have you noticed his moves,”

Her question made you think as she continued

“Because I sure have,” 

“What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes, “The looks he gives you when your not paying attention,” she started to count on her fingers, “Always touching you, constantly, like all the time. Biting his lip anytime you do anything remotely sexual and always blushes afterwards because he caught himself. Oh! Remember that time you wore that skirt? Like the pretty tight one? Yeah, his eyes were on your ass for like the whole day-”

“Okay, okay you could stop now I get it,” you groaned, “How do you know all of this?”

“I’m observant,”

“Makes sense.”

“The point is, he’s is definitely interested in you Y/n, it’s just a matter of you showing interest back.”

“I-” you sighed, “I can’t do that mj,”

“Like hell you can’t,” she rolled your eyes but pried your hands away from your face softly, “Do you want him to be your first Y/n?”

You nodded your head, “Yeah,” you looked back at her, “Yeah, I do,”

“Then you need to talk it out with him, see where you both stand when it comes to that regard in your relationship,” 

“I know, I know, I’m just scared for his reaction,”

MJ only sighed, “This is Peter we’re talking about y/n, he’d respect your boundaries until your ready, and I know you’ll respect his. Its just a matter of who makes the first step,”

“Okay, okay,” you took a deep breath, “I’ll just ask him when I could see him again and just-” you paused, “Ask him,”

“There we go!” MJ cheered as you reached for your phone

Peteyboi💗👀: hello??

Peteyboi💗👀: hellooooooooo

Peteyboi💗👀: is this about the list?

Peteyboi💗👀: i promise ill try them all out sugar

Peteyboi💗👀: ...

Peteyboi💗👀: tbh i didnt like that one

You looked up at MJ, motivated by her reassuring eyes and words, you texted back

you : dont worry petey, the list is cute 😂

Peteyboi💗👀: good good

Peteyboi💗👀: did mj catch you??

you : maybe

you : i blame your clinginess

Peteyboi💗👀: i thought you said you liked my clinginess🥺

you : never said it was a bad thing 😘

Peteyboi💗👀: you implied it tho 😪

you : nah

you : i think thats just you

“What did he say?” MJ interrupted, her legs bouncing up and down anxiously

“I- uh, didn’t get to it yet,”

“I will take that phone, throw it across the room and make you do this in person if you keep stalling,”

You didn’t want to test her words

you : i miss you tho

Peteyboiiii💗👀: sorry babe, just been really busy with the internship

you : i know petey dw

you : do you know when you’ll be free next?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: uuuuhhhh

Peteyboiiii💗👀: the guys are suppose to be out Thursday

Peteyboiiii💗👀: i was suppose to tell you tomorrow but you beat me too it😂

you : oh really?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: would be just the two of us...

fuck circumstances

you : its a date then?

Peteyboiiii💗👀: hey! thats my line😤

you : sorry for stealing your thunder loverboy

Peteyboiiii💗👀: 👁👄👁

you : oh so you could do pet names but i cant???

Peteyboiiii💗👀: never said it was a bad thing 👀

you : ...

you : goodnight peter

The couple of days leading up to the Thursday were stressful to say the least

But MJ was there to hype you up, telling you everything that you should expect, what signals to use and even going out of her way to buy you a red set of lingerie

“It’s going to be awkward at first-”

“Well no shit it’s going to be awkward at first,”

“Hey! No talking back to your teachers,”

“Sorry...”

The drive to the house was nerve wrecking

You were anxious to see his reaction, but even with the doubt clouding your head, there was a ray of light that passed through, reminding you that Peter wasn’t that type of guy

That these past months have proved that he loved you, and you loved him

That he wanted this just as much as you did

You just needed to show him that

He greeted you at the door with a bear hug, rocking you back and forth in his arms

“I’ve missed you angel,” he whispered into your ear, pressing a kiss to your neck that made the hairs on your skin raise

“Angel?” you squeaked, “Where did that come from?”

“The list remember?” he pulled back, beaming brighter than you’ve ever seen, “going down one by one. I quite like this one though,” his voice lowered, “Angel, suites you don’t your think?”

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat, “Could we go inside?”

“Yeah of course,” his hand squeezed your waist, moving to small of your back and leading you inside

You didn't know how long you could last. With the new pet names, your hyperawareness to his touch and all of his words suddenly having new meaning behind them

You started to miss being so oblivious

“It’s been so long since we’ve had a day together, holy shit,” he said, falling back against the cushions of his couch with his thighs spread making you gulp, “come here,”

“Huh?”

He pouted, “I want to cuddle with my girlfriend so come here,”

the dude likes cuddles leave him alone

You shook your head, remembering MJ’s words,

“First step, get into the bedroom,”

“Wouldn’t it be more comfortable in your room?”

Peter’s head tilted to the side in confusion, “We have the whole house to ourselves and you want to spend it in my room?”

You nodded, walking up to him and stretching out your hand for him to take, “What’s so wrong with your room?”

“nothing, nothing,” he sighed taking your hand and standing up, “Just not as comfy as the couch,”

“You’re just being dramatic,”

“Dramatic?” he teased, raising your hand to spin you around, pulling your back to his chest, “I know nothing of a sort,”

You knew it was suppose to be playful, you knew he was just teasing you like he always did

But the feeling of his hard chest against your back, his hair tickling the base of your throat and his arms wrapped strongly around your waist, keeping you tight against him

You couldn't help but imagine this in a very different scenario

“Ready to go then?”

You nodded, not sure if you could even form words correctly at that point

Peter smirked and within one motion he had you in his arms bridal style, taking you to the stairs that lead to his room

“Nothing of a sort my ass,” you mumbled into his neck, cracking a smile when you felt the vibrations of his chuckles rumble from his chest

“You should know me well enough by now angel,” he kicked open his door, closing it back with the heel of his shoe, “I like to play,”

You sure fucking hoped so

You shrieked when he threw you down on his bed, hopping on top of you and holding you down so you couldn’t move

“Peter!” you whined, giggling when his fingers trailed up your side

“What’s wrong angel?” he kissed your noise, moving to kiss your cheeks, your forehead and finally a small peck on your pouty lips, “Do you not like this,”

“No, no, no,” you cupped his face, keeping him still do you could look at him directly, “I love this,”

“good,” he whispered, bumping his nose against yours, lips brushing against each other, “Good,”

“great,” you whispered back, hesitantly raising your head to connect your soft lips on his

It was slow, reminding you of the first time you kissed in the park, trying to figure out you’d lead, you’d follow. Getting the timing right when opening your mouths, and tilting your heads at the right angle for the perfect combination of comfort and touch

It was almost like he was memoizing the motion, stopping after every movement before continuing again sometimes with the same thing or trying out something new

Soon enough his hands gripped the side of your waist, pulling you up slightly to flip the both of you over so that you were on top

He pulled you closer, your chest practically moulding into his when his tongue swiped along your bottom lips, asking for entrance

You gave it to him immediately, letting him explore your mouth in any way he wanted

It went on like that for a few minutes, just the two of you sloppily making out in the middle of his bed. You tried to take it a bit further, grinding your hips subtly but his grip tightened and he pulled away, pressing his forehead against yours

“I missed that angel,” he whispered, grinning at your small giggle

“Me too,” you paused, letting out a shaky breath, trying to recover from the kiss and ignore the wet feeling in your pants, “Could I ask you something?”

“Anything,”

It was now or never, “Why did you stop?”

“Well I- uh, didn’t think you would want to kiss for the rest of the day,” he laughed to cover the crack in his voice, “I know I’m irresistible angel, but you don’t want to wear me out so soon,”

You bit your lip, “But what if that’s what I want?”

Peter’s eyes widened as he shifted on the bed, “You- you want that?”

“Only if you do,” you started to regret your words, “You know what? Just forget I said anything-”

He quickly cut you off with a kiss making you gasp lightly at the sudden contact, “I want that more than anything,” he said quickly, “It’s just- I don’t want to force you into anything, didn’t want to make you feel obligated in any way,”

“I- I want this peter,” your said, feeling the heaviness on your chest disappear, “I want this with you,”

“Are you sure?”

“More than anything.”

“Okay, okay,” he nodded, trying to hid his smile as he lifted you off his lap, laying you gently on the bed, “Hold on, I’ll be right back,”

You watched with your head tilted in confusion when peter walked out of the room only to come back with a blindfold in his hands

“Petey, as much as i would love to, you know it’s my first time and uh-”

He quickly caught on to what your implying, burning bright red, “No, no, no that’s not what this is for,” he scratched the back of his neck, “I want your first time to be special and this is a bit rushed but I want to surprise you and make it nice,”

“Oh,” you stood up, “Okay yeah,”

Peter walked behind you, gently laying the blindfold around your eyes and tying it behind your head. He leaned down to place a cheeky kiss on your neck, trailing up to behind your ear

“Stay here,” he demanded softly before stepping away leaving you frozen in place

He couldn’t help but stand back for a few minutes and admire your state. Your feet were tilted inward, hands rubbing your shoulders with your head tilted down

The perfect display of submission

But he had to kick those thought aside, just for today

After a couple of minutes of waiting, you jumped when you felt hands on your arms, calming when you recognised the rough skin

“Are you ready?” he could hear the smile in his words

“Yes,”

The blind fold feel from your face, your eyes blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the light

But it was a lot darker than before, the lights dimmed drawing attention to the groups of candles sitting on his nightstand. The sheets were different as well, the white blankets replaced with soft black ones, the grey pillows now red with intricate designs sewn into them

“It isn't much but, I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be,”

“It’s that and more Peter,” you smiling, turning around in his arms to place a quick kiss to his cheek, “Now it’s time for my surprise,”

You pushed him down on the edge of the bed, turning around and taking off your hoodie, shuffling out of your black tights to reveal the lingerie 

You turned around with a harsh exhale, feelings small under his gaze

“fuck, you were ready for tonight weren’t you baby?”

You fiddled with your fingers in front of him, “MJ helped me,”

“Figured,” he took your hand, pulling you back to gently straddle his waist, “You’d be beautiful in a potato sack angel, you have nothing to worry about,”

You shook your head, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and settling in his lap, “I find that hard to believe,”

“Then let me show you,”

He leaned in, kissing your lips briefly and pulling back, smirking when you mindlessly chased them

“tease,” you muttered, your forehead falling against his

“You love it,” 

“Yeah, yeah I do,”

You both leaned back in, your mouths perfectly in sync as your lips moved against one another, the practise before hand helping tremendously  

Your arms tightened around his neck, your hands running through his soft brown locks, tugging lightly on the strands

He groaned into your mouth, bitting the your bottom lip and pulling lightly, “You’re going to be the death of me angel, you know that?”

You only giggled, “Seems more like a you problem,”

“Oh? Is that how it is,”

You nodded shyly, playing with the edge of his shirt, “I just think it’s unfair that I’m the only one without a shirt on,”

Peter bit his bottom lip, reaching down and pulling off his shirt and connecting your lips right after. He hooked his arms under your thighs, lifting you up as he stood and lying you back down on the bed

He moved his lips from yours, down your throat to your colour bone, leaving his own marks in the process

Sealing you as his

And his only

“Can I?” he gestured to the front clip of your bra

You nodded, lost in the feelings of his lips on your skin

“Words angel,”

“Yes, yes please,”

He laughed, “Didn’t even get to the main event and you’re already begging for me,” 

You whined, “Peter,”

“Sorry, sorry,” he mumbled, unclipping the garment, helping you raise slightly so he could fully discard it to the side

“Beautiful,” he whispered before latching his mouth on your left nipple, stimulating the other with his forefinger and thumb

“Oh my god,” your hand shot to his hair, tugging at them slightly while the other took the sheets tightly in its palm

“Feeling good angel?” he smirked knowing damn well the answer

He just wanted to hear you say it

“So good Peter,”

He chuckled, switching to the other nipple, “We haven’t even reached the good part Y/n,”

You only let out a shaky sigh, your hand falling from his hair once he started to move further down your body

He liked that he could make you melt with the minimum things he could do

He wanted to remind you that he had the power to do so

And you enjoyed it

Your back arched when he kissed down your stomach, his fingers trailing down the side and hooking them on the lace of your panties

He looked up at you, waiting for your confirmation 

“Please,” you said once again, raising your legs slightly so he could take them off easily

“So needy,” he muttered, taking them off in once motion, crawling back up to place himself between your thighs, “Going to make you feel so good angel, so fucking good,”

His arms wrapped themselves snuggly around the base of your leg, pulling your core down closer to his face

“Ready?” he purred, trailing kisses up your thigh

“Yes,”

“Good.”

He took a bold lick up the length of your pussy, his tongue swirling around the bud of your clit

“Holy fuck Peter!” you shouted, bitting down on your finger to suppress your noise

“No, no, no angel I want to hear you,” he almost growled, “I want to hear you scream for me, know that I’m the only one that would ever get to hear and make you feel this way,”

His possessiveness turned you on even more

You slowly moved your hand from your mouth, placing it down by your side as peter continued eating your pussy like a starved man, listening to your moans and paying attention to your sudden jerks and reactions to his movements

“Taste so good angel, fuck. I’ve been fantasising about this moment ever since I laid eyes on you,” his fingers started to play with your lips, “The things i’ve wanted to do you, to absolutely ravish you, make you my own” he plunged his finger slowly into you, his strength keeping you pressed against the mattress, “But that’s for later, today is all about you,”

You couldn't even form a word when he added a second finger, sending your head back against the pillows. It was so much, his mouth toying with your clit, his fingers entering you that were so much thicker than yours, hitting places that made your eyes roll to the back of your head in pleasure

With the third finger you could feel something change, a sudden spike run up your body, clearing your mind of everything but the feelings of your high quickly approaching

“Peter I-”

“Going to cum angel? Gonna cum all over fingers?”

“Yes Peter fuck!”

“Go ahead Y/n, cum for me,”

You high reached with his words, shaking your body. Peter slowed his pace, dragging out your orgasm for as long as possible

He crawled back up your body, stilling his fingers inside of you while littering your blown out face with kisses, awarding you with his touch

“You did so well angel,” he whispered, “So fucking well,”

“Really milking the use out of that name huh?” you managed to mummer, throwing your arms lazily around his neck, not wanting him to leave any time soon

“Do you want me to change it?” he teased, pulling out his fingers, muttering a small sorry when you winced

He brought his fingers to his mouth, sucking your wetness of his skin while more continued to form at his dirty display

“How about...” his fingers popped out of his mouth, moving to caress your face, leaving a trail of his spit down your cheek, “Princess, my pretty princess,”

Your legs clenched at his tone and new name, making Peter giggle, “Princess it is then,”

He reached over to his bedside table, grabbing a condom and ripping the package open. He rolled the plastic on his impressing length, making you both drool and scared that that’s what was going inside of you

When he took off his sweatpants? you didn’t know

He flipped the both of you over for what felt like the hundredth time that day. His hands were tight on your hips, keeping you hovered over his hard cock

“We go at your pace okay?” his looked at you with dark eyes, “Are you sure that-”

You cut him off with a messy kiss, taking his member into your hand and guiding it to your hole 

“You talk to much,” you mumbled, taking the red tip inside you with a groan

He moaned with you, your pussy tight and snug 

“Take it easy,” he whispered, whipping off a bead of sweat that began to form on your forehead, “We have all the time in the world,”

“So big,” you whimpered, slowly take him inch by inch. Soon enough you started to loose balance on your knees, falling forward with your hands on his chest and your thighs relaxing, letting him bottom out inside of you

“Fuck,” you both said in unison, letting out a breathy laugh

“It kinda hurts,” 

“Well I’m not exactly average in that department-”

You scoffed, moving around on his lap, trying to find a comfortable position

“Tell me how you’re feeling princess,”

“It- it’s getting better,” you were fully relaxed now, “I- I want to start moving,”

“Go ahead Y/n,” he raised himself up so that his chest was pressed against yours, “I’ll guide you okay?”

“Okay, okay,”

You started moving up and down, more so just humping his body because your legs already starting to feel weak

But peter was patient with you, constantly making sure you were okay and keeping his eyes on your body

Not like he wanted to take them of of you

You looked angelic above him

No wonder the name suited you so much

Your mouth open, hips moving slowly bringing the both of you pleasure you’ve never experience before

He wanted to keep that picture in his mind forever, framed in his memory

Because you weren’t some girl at a party he picked up or guy he drunkly made out with

You were someone he loved, with all his heart 

That trusted him enough to share this moment with him

And just perfect an every way

“You’re doing so well princess,” he groaning, staring to rut his hips back into yours, making your moans grow even louder

“Fuck,” you fell against his chest, “Peter,”

“You want me to take control princess? Too fucked out already?” he couldn’t help himself while muttering those words, getting lost in the feeling of you

“Please peter I can’t-” he cried, “Please,”

“I got you princess,” he planted his feet on the mattress, thrusting up roughly into you, “I always got you,”

He began pounding into you, gradually getting faster and faster as your whines and moans grew louder and louder

Your second orgasm was quick on its way, and with Peter’s pace becoming irregular, you could tell he was almost there as well

“So fucking tight princess,” he groaned, pressing his cheek against yours, “Are you close,”

You mewled in response

“Cum with me princess, scream my name and cum on my cock,”

“Peter!” you shouted, cumming hard on his member and sagging against his chest

You could feel the condom begin to fill up inside of you, his hips stilling against yours

Part of you wondered how it would feel shooting inside of you without the protection

From there it was a blur, the feelings of peters lips against your skin, his arms wrapped around you, something cold and wet moving across your body

You caught your bearings when Peter pulled you into his chest, his shirt now covering your form along with the same fluffy blankets that covers the couch downstairs

Peter started, “That was-” 

“Amazing,” you finished for him, giggling and cuddling further into his chest

Peter looked down at you, his hand caressing your face like he did moments before but this time his touch was filled with comfort and reassurance, “Are you alright?”

“Better than I’ve ever been,” you giggled, peter chuckling along with you

“I think I’m going to need to start adding names to that list,” 

You looked up at him, “Like what?”

He sighed, a sly smile forming on his face

“I think I’ll start off with my little slut,”

...

fun fact, this was originally gonna be different types of frat peter like cocky, soft etc like some fucking frat peter multi verse but i just lost interest halfway through. 

My mind just said no♥️ so i scraped that and this was born instead

Permanent Taglist : @jadegill @joyleenl @sarcastic-sunset-7 @wakeupandsmellthelavender @kaithezaftig @theliterarymess @thirstiestpotato @i-love-superhero @lovewolfspirit @lowkey-holland @miltifandoms1019 @black-rose-29 @parkershoco

Peter Parker Taglist : @ietss @itscaminow @dummiesshort @seutarose @cebaratn16 @lanceyfancypants @clara-licht @sadassflatass @usuck @yeah-seems-legit @lolasm0nst3r @hogwarts-is-my-home23

[bokutosworld]

hey, you’re warm | sakusa k. 

pairing: sakusa kiyoomi x f!reader 

wc: 1.8k words, fluff. little bit of angst, reader is heartbroken on christmas that’s sad. 

summary: You’ve accepted that you'd be alone for Christmas. It was a surprise to find your best friend standing right outside your doorsteps.

this is part of the winter wonderland collab! you may check out the other stories here!

---

"The busy streets of Shibuya seem to be livelier than usual as families, friends, and couples gather to celebrate the Christmas Eve. And it seems that the night will become even more special as we are expecting a beautiful snowfall. So be sure to bundle up if you're planning to spend the evening with your loved ones outside."

The news coming from the television is the only sound that fills the empty apartment. Who would've thought that you would be wasting away the merriest time of the year all alone and cocooned in your one-bedroom flat? You certainly didn't think that a week ago, when you were looking forward to the exciting festivities you have planned for you and your boyfriend. You certainly didn't see it coming when he abruptly ended things, leaving you heartbroken, confused, and insecure. At least he didn't just disappear out of the blue, you consoled yourself.

But still that thought was enough to make you shake your head in sadness and take a sip from your chocolate drink that has now turned as cold as your heart. Clutching your robe closer to your body, you peered at the street below and looked at the number of people who were happily strolling. You see couples holding hands, families with their matching sweaters and mufflers, even groups of teenagers running about town and spreading the holiday cheer.

A glance at the wall clock tells you that it's only 8:45 PM, still a little early for you to hit the bed. But it wasn't as if you had anything eventful planned for the rest of the night. After you downed the rest of your drink in one go, you walked to the kitchen to wash your mug. You just turned off the lights in the living room when the ringing of the doorbell startled you from your forlorn thoughts.

You didn't think anything about it at first. Maybe it was the Christmas carolers wishing you a happy holidays and asking for some generous donations. You figured they would leave if you didn't pay them attention so you resigned yourself to your bedroom.

But the buzzing did not stop, even if you were already tucked in the comforts of your warm bed. You groaned and pulled yourself up, almost stomping on the way to the door to see who was so incessant on disturbing your peace on Christmas Eve. You didn't expect to see the masked face of your best friend, Sakusa Kiyoomi.

The two of you stood in the doorway for a few minutes, just staring at each other with blank looks on your faces. Kiyoomi shivers from the cold, his breathing ragged. His eyes narrowed at you, "Are you not going to invite me in? It's cold outside."

"Oh, right," you chuckled, moving to the side to make way for him. You closed the door and turned around to see him taking off his shoes and dusting some snowflakes that have fallen on his jacket. You extend a hand to take his scarf and jacket, hanging them on the rack near the door.

"Didn't you have a thing with your teammates tonight?" You asked when you notice the gym bag that he always carries around. As soon as he puts them down, Kiyoomi makes himself comfortable on your couch, stretching his legs and leaning back on the headrest with his eyes closed.

He hums, "Yeah. We had dinner at the izakaya downtown but I didn't want to go with them to the bar." When he sees the judging look on your face, he was quick to say, "Stop. You know how I hate crowds. And it's too cold for me to go anywhere."

"I wasn't saying anything." You toss him the remote to the television, a silent invitation for him to choose what he wants to watch. "Do you want a drink? I have orange juice, milk, and wine."

"I'll take wine, thanks." From the kitchen, you can hear him flipping through the channels, a dissatisfied grunt often leaving him when he sees that a cheesy holiday movie is showing. You go out to the living room, bringing two glasses of wine and a plate of some biscuits, just in time to see that he has opened Netflix. "Should we watch the new true crime documentary?"

You nod, "Yeah, sure. I'm down with whatever." As soon as the familiar ta-dum sound begins, you cozy up next to him on the couch, holding your wine glass and focusing your eyes on the screen. Nights like these weren't uncommon to you and Kiyoomi. For as long as you can remember, the two of you have been by each other sides all throughout high school and college. He's always been your constant support system, and you were the same to him.

So it wasn't that much of surprise to you when he nonchalantly throws an arm over your shoulders, bringing you closer to his body. You hum contentedly, leaning in to his warmth and you take in that familiar soft scent of vanilla and sandalwood. It's comforting and soon, you find yourself close to drifting off to sleep, your head falling to his chest and being lulled by the erratic beating of Kiyoomi's heart.

But the nap doesn't happen when Kiyoomi, out of nowhere, murmurs, "I'm disappointed with this setup. It's so lonely in here, there's not even a single mistletoe, ornament or stocking hung up." His statement completely pulls you out of your drowsy state and you muster all your energy to glare at him.

"I don't really feel like celebrating." Your voice weakens as you say the second part, "Besides, I'm all alone anyway." But of course, Kiyoomi doesn't miss it.

The movie serves as background noise at this point. He seems to ponder on something, his mind bringing him back to years ago when he would come to your family house whenever you felt upset. He reminisces on how his younger self used to cheer you up, his photographic memory pulling up scenes of you and him playing board games until the wee hours of the night. Until you finally felt happy again.

"Hey, do you still have that jenga with you? His question was puzzling, prompting you to look up at him with a perturbed look. He chuckles, his voice deep as he teases you, "Why are your eyebrows creased like that? It's not like I asked you a difficult question." A hand is raised, and before you know it, Kiyoomi has playfully hit your forehead.

"With that attitude, I am not bringing that game out." You grumble, pushing off him to massage the spot that he hit. He was giggling now, and it was a sight that only you have always been blessed with. It was only in your presence that he seemed to relax and show his true self.  And this thought helps uplift your dampened spirit. "Alright, wait here. I'll get the jenga."

Five rounds in, zero wins for you, zero loses for Kiyoomi.

"Can't you show a girl some mercy, 'Omi," you complain after losing five straight games. Were you so unlucky in life that even in simple games you can't get a win? That thought drained you and you reach out for the bottle of wine to refill your glass.

Kiyoomi watches as you pour another serving. "It's because you are always drinking that you can't get your mind straight enough to play." You know he's just looking out for you and your low alcohol tolerance, so you find no ill intentions behind his words. He moves to snatch the wine from your grasp, but you were quicker to hide it behind your back. You stuck out your tongue at him.

He sighs, "Shall we go for another round?"

"Of wine or jenga?"

He stands up, going over to your side and offering a hand out to you. "Actually, that's enough of both for tonight." He drags you up to him, making you stand on wobbly feet and guiding you to the bedroom. You were whining almost all the way to your room, complaining like a little child who has not been given a gift from their Christmas wishlist.

Kiyoomi did not mind your playful punches and tugging on his shirt though. He was used to your antics. He didn't find it hard to tuck you in your bed, fluffing the pillow to make it comfortable and pulling the blanket over your body. He smiles when a contented expression takes over your features and he debates tucking the strand of hair that obstructs his clear view of your eyes.

Just when he thought you've finally calmed down, your eyes shoot open and it startles him a little. You grin, "Do you want to join me in bed, Kiyoomi?"

You always had a way with your words, sober or not. And at this moment, Kiyoomi has half a mind to jump in and cuddle with you until morning breaks. He almost says yes, but he remembers he was still in his outside clothes. He ruffles your hair, "Let me wash up first."

The hot shower that Kiyoomi takes in the bathroom allows him some time to think about the decisions he has made that led him in your apartment tonight. He recalls the first few hours he spent in the company of his teammates. But majority of that time was spent worrying over you.

Though you didn't outrightly mention it to him, Kiyoomi was not as oblivious to turn a blind eye to your heartbreak. When you texted him a week ago about your breakup, he constantly cursed the stupid jerk in his head. How could he have let go of such an amazing person like you? He lightly punches the wall, his fists curling as he remembers the face of your ex. As much as he'd like to drag his sorry ass to hell, he worried about you and it surprised him and his teammates when he immediately ran to the direction of your home.

After turning off the faucet, he steps out and steam fills the room. He dries his hair and wears the hoodie and shorts that he always keeps in your apartment. When he returns to your bedroom, he sees you sound asleep. He turns the rest of the lights off and carefully slides in to your side.

He's shocked when you turn and snuggle closer to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and burying your face in his chest. He gently strokes your head and the action stirs you lightly awake. "Hmm, you're warm," he hears you mumble.

Kiyoomi sighs in content and he thinks that he made the right decision coming to your aide tonight. He envelops you in his embrace and presses a kiss on the top your head, "You will never be alone. You'll always have me."

He doesn't mind spending Christmas like this with you. From now and forever. 

FIN. taglist - @aii-channn​ @peteunderoos​ @jungtoast @nekoclysm​ @our-tall-slytherin-queen​ @isabella5 @slippinglasses​ @yhyucklee @rowley-with-ackerman​ @lilacnoodles @ineedsomefoodpls (can’t tag those in italics!)

[flightofaqrow]

YOUR CHARACTER IN FIVE QUOTES!

( repost, do not reblog. ) Tell us your favorite quotes from your character. Give us an idea of who they are by five things they’ve said.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Alright, buckle up, I’m stealing this meme and repurposing it for my own use. Probably more than five, and including some quotes from others about him, though I’m going to try to keep it in groupings, and also not meant to be exhaustive of qrow’s character, but rather, to point out some very poignant lines that have effected my portrayal and... some possibly in an unpopular way compared to what I’ve seen in the fandom? I think Qrow Branwen is more complex than fitting the broody broken boi trope would give credit for (though he at least fits it as an overall stereotype).

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

1) I’m absolutely sure Qrow had a rough start and transition from the tribe to ‘civilized society’, coupled with typical teenage hormones and mood swings, but generally, Beacon was a good time, and he sees himself as a good huntsman, and (though we may joke about it sometimes) he absolutely does not have an active nor passive death wish.

Yeah, yeah, I know he has a song all about how he self depreciates and carries shame, but that’s a theme of his attitude, not backed up to be every single aspect of his life by actual canon. Quite the contrary. 

I don’t know where fndm gets the idea that he constantly lost his battles (especially to Raven) or was perpetually looked down on or stayed an angsty, broody teenager (who could never possibly have ever even breathed a single happy breath on his own without Summer??) all four years. As if school was hell and he never came into his own until STRQ was a graduated unit or something? If ever?

Leo tells Raven she and her brother are evenly matched. Raven herself - who takes pride in being stronger and more clever than others - describes them as a pair: “we were good.”

“you're talking to a member of the coolest team that graduated Beacon! ...we were pretty well known back in the day. ...hey, we looked good! and I have a number of inappropriate stories to back that up!”

“let me tell ya, these kids are way better than we were at their age. ...well, not better than me, specifically...”

“a professional huntsman like myself is expected to get results as soon as possible.”

The way Qrow talks about his past, as well as carrying a memento of team STRQ around with him, it’s very nostalgic for better times. The way he talks about his work, if not himself, can actually be to the point of being self-aggrandizing, instead of depreciating. He’s even able to admit that his dreaded semblance, Misfortune, “comes in handy in a fight.”

“lots of us thought you were just layin' low. eventually, we just came to accept that you were probably dead. but the stories about you, i based my weapon off of yours. i wanted to be as good as the Grimm Reaper.”

Qrow talks about himself as striving to be better. It seems he never really sees himself as reaching that standard, but it certainly implies he knows he’s not at the bottom - he had an ideal he wanted to reach and likely worked towards. Notice the use of “us” and “we” as well - he talks about himself as part of a group of larger huntsfolk circles. Who knows if this refers to students or licensed professionals or both, but this heavily, heavily implies that he was more than just a sad, outside loner, at least for a time; he chatted with others and traded stories about goings-on and missions and idols.

Somewhat related and leading into...

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

2)  At least around this blog, Qrow does not have an inferiority complex because of Raven.

Does he have some internalized shame about being soft that he can’t quite shake? A few insecurities about being unwanted compared to her natural leadership and competence? Yes. Does he consciously view himself as lesser than her? No. 

Also... he’s not co-dependent on her. To a degree, for while? Yeah, there was probably an unhealthy reliance going on there. But Qrow and Raven establish themselves with their own identities at some point, they’d have to, to chose different paths so stubbornly. There’s a rift there, eventually, if not always having been at odds in some ways and comfort in others.

“Raven's got an interesting way of looking at the world that I don't particularly agree with. [The weak die, the strong live. Those are the rules.]”

“...they were killers and thieves.”

We are shown that the twins were raised with this weak/strong dichotomy. Raven bought into it, but Qrow explicitly separates himself from that belief. Shown again when he mocks Raven with, “because that was your rule, right?”

He believes in true family, he believes in protecting the weak, he believes in doing good, he believes in standing up for what’s right. He may not like being emotionally vulnerable, but he shows softness and kindness to others, and for as much as he likes his flourish when fighting, he also isn’t afraid to look an absolute fool either.

He is shown de-escalating conflict time and again, even if he also falls back into violent, defensive patterns at times, too. He resents Raven for the choices she made, and as far as I interpret, thinks she’s the lesser one for running away and abandoning her family and her mission. (Meanwhile, she thinks the same of him for turning his back on the tribe.)

He all but spits on the tribe’s way of life, is willing to attack them outright to get the Spring Maiden. Why would he judge himself by those standards any longer? No, he lives by his own code, a huntsman’s code, and even has some pride in that. It’s why he can call Clover out on it. It’s why he folds when Robyn holds him to it.

It’s why it hurts when he finds out what gave him more meaning, aligned more with his own heart, than the tribe’s dogma may not actually have any purpose at all...

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

3) There’s so much to unpack here:

“No one wanted me... I was cursed... I gave my life to you because you gave me a place in this world... I thought I was finally doing some good... Meeting you... was the worst luck of my life...”

No one wanted him? I believe this means the tribe, maybe even Raven, maybe trying to make friends, but no one until Oz? Does this include STRQ? I have trouble reconciling that one with everything else we’re shown. I still maintain he was part of bigger circles, but we get confirmation that these were probably fleeting or superficial. He knew people and was known, but no one stuck around.  Also more confirmation of his values. Gave me a place sounds like so much more than refocusing to me. It’s not gave me a direction, not told me what to do, it’s took who i am and gave that person a place to thrive - despite the bad that comes with - to work towards something better. Just like he always wanted.

But then he backtracks. What is it he regrets?  We do know how he likes to go into dramatic hyperbole about these things when he’s upset. [eg. “we’re not family anymore.” “i shouldn’t have come. i shouldn’t have let any of you come.” “we can kill the man who put us here.” “gone. like everybody else.”] (I love that crwby lets their characters do it. we all say things we don’t mean in the moment, give voice to those intrusive thoughts.)

I’ve talked before about how I picture him having flashes of all the lives he could have had instead. Would he have gone back with Raven and at least still had her? Would he just have been a normal huntsman defending people from Grimm without the crushing extra knowledge? Might he have been able to have a relationship or family of his own had he not signed up for the vagabond spy life? Does he just resent losing Summer and Raven because of how things went down? We don’t know, and I think the point is that he probably doesn’t either, but the weight of sacrificing all those alternatives and putting so much faith in Ozpin, stacking so much of his life’s work and identity on being part of the inner circle, comes crashing down on him all at once. 

also quite fitting...

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

4) "Nice place to raise a family. ...If you're ...into that sort of thing."

This is from his World of Remnant narration, talking about Patch, but it hits so damn hard. The softness and warmth in the first half of the statement, followed by the harsh need to qualify it in regards to his own outlook... We learn all we need to know about his opinion of the subject. 

We see the conflict right there - the possibility of such a thing brings a wholesome lilt to his voice, yet he implies that it’s not something he personally intends to pursue. Is that because he doesn’t want it or because he thinks he can’t or shouldn’t have it? I don’t think that’s clear, and he may not know either. 

At the very least, I fall into the camp of him believing he doesn’t want it. Combine that with the fact that he does pick up that spy life, which makes keeping his distance a necessity, and makes settling down near impossible, and then he definitely knows it’s not in the cards for him. 

So I think it ultimately falls somewhere between. Why would he make the commitment to being a lone spy if he had dreams of love and a family? ...But then why would he resent making the sacrifice of that possibility later if he didn’t? 

Having his nieces around probably softened him up to the idea, but he’d already made his decision by that point. He’s also solid and generally happy with his choices at the point it would most matter. He’s married to his job. He’s fulfilling his missions well, in well-suited ways for his strengths and flaws. He has his nieces around as a balm on any sort of biological clock. He has his purpose with Oz.  Until he doesn’t.

This is an incredibly long-winded way of restating that one of the headcanon hills I do stand to die on is: Gray-romantic Qrow.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

5) “some people are just born unlucky... my semblance isn't like most - it's not exactly something i... do.”

I am constantly confused by the amount of people trying to do character analysis around Misfortune and Qrow based on standard semblance lore, when he has yet again stated explicitly to the contrary. We all have carte blanche ya’ll. We can do whatever we want with this, because he’s already told us his semblance breaks the rules. 

My full headcanon for it is here and my opinion about the direction I hope it takes is here but tl;dr

Unless we learn otherwise, there are very, very few ways I believe Misfortune is a reflection of Qrow’s soul, if at all. This is from the first headcanon, but it’s worth restating, because it’s important to me, aaand fits the theme of pulling in some quotes from other characters:

Everyone likes to quote Ren and his description of someone’s personality being incorporated into a semblance. I don’t buy it for qrow. Here’s the FULL quote: “A common philosophy is that a warrior’s Semblance is a part of who they are. Some say your personality and character can define your Semblance while some claim that it is the other way around. Of course, there are still many who don’t see a connection at all.”

So unless we find out otherwise I will also die on the hill that qrow is an example of the middle part. Qrow’s personality/soul has nothing to do with why his semblance is what it is, but being forced to grow up and live with Misfortune has defined him tremendously.

OKAY, there are some smaller quick ones, but I’ll stick to my five points like I promised at least, and maybe do a lesser version some other time. :]

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi Foxyyy! This might sound like a stupid question, but why did you decide to make JK a virgin in Little Bean? I understand idol lifestyle is a huge hindrance to his social life, and that led him to be a bit sheltered. I'm curious about your thought process behind it :D Have a nice week!

Yeah! So the short answer is obviously... because I wanted to haha. The whole story actually began with me wanting to write a "JK has sex for the first time" story --which is the scene in Little Bean, and clearly exploded out from there.

But I'll explain under the cut my rationale for how I got him to that point in this story as long as everyone promises to remember I'm talking about my work of fiction, not the real guy. <3

Here are all the various tidbits that were floating in my head when building LBJK and his limits/experience:

- Korea is a conservative country and the age for sex and marriage is coming down with new generations, but still on the higher side compared to less homogenous and conservative countries. His character is an interesting blend of tradition and progress thinking, so it was easy for me to imagine him as being pro-sex but also a little careful with his own activities.

-JK is surrounded by older guys (and no sisters) with varying sexual confidence in the story, their porn stashes, and their stories, probably exaggerated, which would make it all seem sort of intimidating and exciting... and feed right into his insecurities. Porn and the bragging of older brothers don't necessarily teach you the things you need to know. The sheltered comment you made is right and we'll see more of that soon: there are a lot of aspects of dating that most of us take for granted that he just has no experience or emotional IQ about yet.

- JK started a VERY demanding job very young, with a very rigorous schedule that left him little time for privacy, or for freedom at the age when most people are learning how to interact with the opposite sex. He was already having fear of exposure, scandal, and career implications drilled into his head, and he was tired. I didn't want to write him as "scared to have interactions with the opposite sex" because he clearly has a bunch of noonas he loves, but more that he gets a little nerdy shy when he actually wants to have sex with a woman because he's not quite sure how to progress things from Point A to Point B.

- JK has a lot of self criticism and insecurities wrapped up in shyness. I've heard that factoid about real JK that he wasn't comfortable showering around his hyungs as a teenager. His body has been under scrutiny always. I think that fear of negative feedback (such as he received with earlier girlfriends in the story) cuts deep and has held him back from being really open about the parts of him (both physical and emotional) that he's able to keep privacy about.

- On an emotional level, he's this blend in the story of very romantic, very lazy about relationships (previous relationships mainly; because he's tired but also a bit of a loner naturally, introverted, and has a limit to how long he can keep the BIG EFFORT train going), and very insecure about his own likeability. In the first book he talked about the difference between stage and his real self. He meets people constantly who expected him to be one way or the other and he worries about disappointing them. So in LB I saw that romanticism in him as something he dreams of for the future but has not felt up to the task for yet... until Sasha. He also doesn't want to settle for less. I think in the most recent chapter is when he said something about how he thought he'd have to be his best self before anyone really loved him. And since he was afraid of the risks and vulnerabilities of casual sex, it meant he put things off.

-I also wanted to push on the reality that no one knows about anyone until you're told. There is literally no way from someone's personality to tell whether they're sexually active or not. Sasha assumes he has no experience, which is incorrect. You can get up to a lot of shenanigans before penetrative sex, and he did! But it tended to not go well for him, which fed into his fears about being that close with someone.

-I wanted a big character growth for him in the story to be him taking control and comfort of his own self --physically, emotionally, mentally-- and genuinely learning to love and trust himself, and recognize that others can also love him and be trustworthy. We're still early in that growth, although he's always taken such HUGE steps thanks to the acceptance and adoration of Sasha. But he still relies so much on external feedback (I know some readers have called that out too!) I want him to build that innate love and acceptance of himself.

OK, I think that's it, but happy to answer questions like this :) Character analysis is fun!

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

A Familiar Soul - Chapter Six

Summary: Hilda decides to be completely honest with her mother, surprised when she seems to be a lot more in on magic than Hilda had expected her to be.

With her daughter’s association with witches, Johanna is forced to face some secrets of her own, bringing her back to feelings and people she’d rather have left behind

Dealing with insecurities and inner demons of her own, Kaisa finds herself face to face with the very issues that brought her to be so displeased with her own abilities

Or: the one where Johanna is Kaisa’s familiar

Notes: Once again, sorry for not posting last week! Hope you enjoy this though

Read it on ao3: (chpt1) (chpt2) (chpt3) (chpt4) (chpt5) (chpt6)

“Come on, Kaisa, it’ll be fun!”

Kaisa put down a book on her card a little more forcefully than she needed to, and right away shot Hilda an apologetic look, as if saying she hadn’t meant it.

“I know, Hildie… I’m just not sure that I should.”

“Come on!” The girl groaned as she moved from the librarian’s side to being in front of her, with her cart between them. “It’s just tea! You haven’t been acting like yourself, Kaisa. Is everything alright? For some days now you have been very distant, you know?”

The librarian sighed. She’d been hoping Hilda wouldn’t notice the change in her demeanor, but apparently the girl was too smart for that. “I’m sorry about that. I’ve just been considering that maybe I shouldn’t spend so much time with you three. After all, you’re children and I’m… not.”

“That doesn’t matter at all!” Hilda argued with her arms crossed on her chest. “You’re our friend, Kaisa. You’re my friend. And I really miss you.”

Something about the way she said it made Kaisa bend. How long had it been since anyone had considered her their friend? Since the girl’s mother, Kaisa noticed with sadness.

“Just tea, you say?” Hilda smiled brightly and nodded at her. “And you’ll be alone at your house?”

“Yeah, I will! Alfur said he’ll be busy with report writing all afternoon, and Tontu will be out to… honestly, I don’t know what he’ll be doing, but he’ll be out.”

“Fine, then. I accept the invitation.”

“Yes!” Hilda shouted as she fist pumped the air, before noticing the disapproving stares she got from everyone around her, including Kaisa.

“Yes!” she repeated, whispering this time, and Kaisa had to bite back a chuckle. “Thank you so much. See you tomorrow, Kai.”

_#_#_#_

Kaisa had decided to take over the tea duty simply because she knew the drink would turn out better if she did it. It had nothing to do with being worried about Hilda, who seemed too short to be using the stove and got on the brink of spilling hot water on herself at one point. Not at all.

“Thanks for that!” The girl said when Kaisa stopped the kettle from falling on her and put it back in its place to boil, telling her to put the other things on the table while she took care of the tea. “Mum’s usually the one to make tea so I’m not really used to it.”

The breath was caught in Kaisa’s throat at the mention of Johanna, and Hilda tilted her head at her when she noticed something off about the librarian.

“Kaisa?”

“It’s fine.” Kaisa said then, hastily. “I’m very used to it. Tildy is basically an addict.”

This made Hilda chuckle as she picked cookies from the cabinet to put on the table. Kaisa was grateful to see a few store bought options; even though the home baked ones definitely looked more delicious, she didn’t think she’d feel well eating something she knew Johanna must have baked. It felt like trespassing.

“Yeah, I saw her house. Don’t take me the wrong way, but does she ever clean?”

Kaisa snorted. “Why clean when you can just let your familiar eat your messes?”

Pulling herself a chair, Hilda laughed gleefully. It made Kaisa very grateful to have someone who seemed to appreciate her presence, and she appreciated Hilda’s presence as well. When the kettle whistled, Kaisa readily poured the boiling water into the cups, both already with the herb mixture she’d prepared, and took them over to the table.

Eating with Hilda was easy. Being the bright and energetic person that she was, Kaisa didn’t have to make too much effort to fill in any gaps in the conversation, and she dealt with Kaisa’s sarcasm and dry sense of humor remarkably well. Even when Kaisa politely refused a bowl with pastries she’d made with her mother, Hilda didn’t press her to eat them.

It was her fault, really. Kaisa knew she wasn’t supposed to be there, and still the company and the warm tea were so pleasant she lingered more than she had to, so it was her fault that there had been no time to escape before the front door was unlocked and a person walked in.

“Hilda, I’m back!” She announced. Johanna had a smile on her face as she saw Hilda sitting at the table and looking behind herself at her mother, but it quickly faded when her gaze traveled from her daughter to her usual seat.

Dropping her purse to the ground in surprise, Johanna gasped audibly, shock and anger making her lips curl back.

“What are you doing here?!”

“Mum, I can explain!” Hilda got up from the chair as quick as she could, while some part of her mind registered that her mother seemed to not only know the librarian very well, but also not like her at all. “I invited-“

“I came to ask Hilda about a book she had borrowed.” Kaisa spoke over Hilda, knowing that the girl would probably get in trouble if Johanna knew she had been invited for tea by Hilda herself. The lie flew from her instinctively. “It was about to be overdue, so I thought it was better to come and talk to her.”

Far from being appeased, Johanna only seemed to get more furious. 

“Really?!” She spat. “Out of all the things you could make up, you’re using the same excuse you’d tell my parents and expecting me to fall for it? Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

Oh. Now that Johanna had said it, Kaisa recognized why that lie had seemed so natural to her. On two separate occasions when she was a teenager, she’d used it to justify to Johanna’s parents why she was in their house so early. Of course she hadn’t stayed the night, she’d said, knowing they didn’t like it when Johanna had ‘friends’ over, Mr. Linus had just told her Johanna had an overdue book and she’d come to warn her friend before the deadline came. Her father had fallen easily, but Johanna’s mother had been slightly harder to convince.

“Your parents?” Hilda whispered, now looking between the two women in curiosity. They both seemed to have taken fighting stances, Johanna with her feet set apart as if to give her a strong base and her chest leaning forward, looking ready to attack while Kaisa stood rock still, every bone in her body stiff as she clenched her jaw and fists.

“Go to your room, Hilda.” Johanna hissed. “We’ll talk about it later.”

“Johanna, really.” Though Hilda wasn’t looking at her, she could <em>hear</em> the eyeroll in Kaisa’s eyes, and she flinched. Her mum didn’t like it at all when people rolled their eyes at her. “I wasn’t here to- corrupt your child or anything else you might imagine. We were just having tea and talking.”

“She doesn’t need you here!” Johanna snapped, and for some reason this hit the librarian harder than she could have predicted. “She has her friends and she has me, there’s no reason for you to be here and… do anything!”

In the library, Kaisa had been in her element, had felt confident enough to spit back at Johanna. But now they were in Johanna’s zone, and she didn’t feel like buying a fight, especially not in front of Hilda. She really didn’t have to know about this mess the two of them had made of their lives.

“Now, let’s not be rash-“

“Don’t you dare talk to me about being rash!” Johanna stepped aside and opened up the front door wide. “Get out of my house!”

Kaisa grunted in anger and did as she was told, even if in heavy, loud steps. Hilda reached out her hand and called for her, but the librarian had already broken into a run upon reaching the staircase.

“What has come upon you?!” She asked to her mother, whose breath was finally beginning to slow down.

“Hilda…” Running a hand through her curls, Johanna sighed. “Try to understand-“

“I don’t want to hear it!”

Ignoring her mother’s protests, Hilda ran past her to try to catch up with Kaisa.

So much for having an honest relationship.

_#_#_#_

It was an unquestionable truth in Johanna’s life that everything that was good, became better when she shared it with Kaisa. This meant, of course, that as soon as the Raven Leader took them to that tower in order to watch the woff migration routes, Johanna knew she had to take her favorite witch there.

The former bell tower sat right at the wall that separated Trolberg from the wilderness, but since having its bell broken in the earthquake of ‘82, it no longer served its original purpose. With its view overlooking the green fields which woffs favoured as their mid-migration resting spots, it was the perfect place for such activity.

Right after the Raven Leader had declared their duties done for the afternoon, Johanna had begun to think about inviting Kaisa over to the tower. Since her mother picked her up from the Sparrow Scouts activities, she couldn’t just deliver a message at that moment. It wasn’t that her mother didn’t like her seeing Kaisa, though she’d already voiced her wishes for her daughter to have a wider group of friends, but since Johanna’s feelings for her best friend had begun… shifting into something a little different, and she could no longer deny that they were, she had constantly been afraid of her parents seeing right through her and figuring it out. That left her with only one option, to ask Kaisa about it at school.

Seeing as they walked to their local high school together every day, it wasn’t hard to find a good moment. In fact, Johanna made the proposition right after she’d met Kaisa on the front door of Tildy’s house, and they arranged to go to the tower right after class. Johanna’s parents had just begun to allow her to go outside without adult supervision and they didn’t want to test their boundaries by having Johanna arrive home late.

She’d spent the whole school day anxious for the moment when she’d be allowed to leave. This was unusual for her, having always been a hard working student, but she couldn't stop her mind from going back to their appointment every couple minutes. There was nothing romantic in its nature, but since admitting to herself that she had a crush on Kaisa, she seemed to get more and more eager for any amount of time they could spend together.

“Are you sure this is open for visitors?” Kaisa asked while Johanna struggled with the tower’s entrance door, which gave in at that exact moment as if it were proving Johanna’s point.

“Either that or the Raven Leader illegally barged in with a bunch of kids.” She lifted an eyebrow at the witch, daring her to say that the Sparrow Scout’s leader had broken into City Hall property, and in return received a playful shove when Kaisa walked past her and into the curling staircase inside.

They were both out of breath once they had finished climbing, even though Johanna did her best to hide it (she was the familiar in that relationship, after all, and if Kaisa saw she was tired after some stairs how would she be able to trust her with protecting her?). Their footsteps echoed in the tall stone room, and Kaisa excitedly pointed out the bats sleeping upside down on the roof. After she’d admired them, Johanna beckoned her over to the window, the light that came from it dimming with every second that passed. Dusk was coming quickly.

“You should be able to see a couple of woffs sleeping or grazing in the meadow below.” Johanna said, placing Kaisa in front of her so she had a better view. Instead of looking down as well, she got momentaneously distracted by the whiff she caught of Kaisa’s scent, like black tea and lavender.

“I don’t see any down there.” The witch breathed with clear excitement in her voice, snapping Johanna back to reality. “But those look interesting enough.”

As Johanna followed Kaisa’s gaze, she too got overcome with excitement when a pack of migrating woffs cut through the sky above them, looking peaceful and completely confident about their destination, even though no human had ever quite been able to figure out where exactly it was that they went.

Their mellow sighs were a relaxing sound, especially so with the gentle light of the setting sun behind them and the breeze messing with their hairs. Johanna became entrapped in them, her lips parted as she wondered how it would feel to fly on the back of one such creature, so much so that she didn’t notice Kaisa was looking at her out of the corner of her eyes.

“Look!” Johanna exclaimed. “There’s a white one! You don’t see those every day.”

Kaisa nodded. “It is said that white woffs are a sign of good luck for witches.”

“Really?” Johanna turned to her, and became a little flustered herself when she realized Kaisa was blushing due to how close their faces were. “Have you ever had a chance to experience this?”

“No.” Johanna noticed that Kaisa suddenly had fixed her gaze on the horizon, biting her lip in a nervous habit. “But I thought I might test this theory today.”

For a solid moment, Johanna was afraid Kaisa would do something crazy like jumping out of the tower. To her credit, her friend was known for doing unpredictable things. What Kaisa said next, however, was unpredictable in a whole other manner.

“May I kiss you?” She asked. Her rigid posture indicated that it had taken her a lot of strength to get that out, which only made Johanna appreciate it even more, and her stance relaxed when Johanna smiled widely and chuckled with happiness.

Instead of answering her, Johanna just leaned in as the woffs flew overhead. Who knew? Maybe white woffs were good luck for familiars too.

[earthingoddity]

so you know how y’all are constantly like: “what’s there to like about season five???”. i decided to make a list *-*

1. the discussion of disability in a teenage show. how many teenage shows can you name featuring disabled characters? and how many of those feature a character becoming disabled in the course of the show and having to adapt to that? i was very surprised when i realized this was the route they were going to take this season and i think it was very well done.

so let’s break that down:

1.1 they actually made sure to talk about other disabilities. i know some people will say they were just doing the bare minimum, but i disagree. that is such a complex theme, they could’ve easily said representing other disabilities respectfully would be a lot of work for only ten episodes, but they did their best with the limited amount of time they had.

1.2 the representation of the deaf community wasn’t limited to their disability. it actually pisses me off hearing people say “wow, for a while there, i even forgot arthur was deaf!” as if he *has* to let you know everytime he’s on screen. disabled people are more than their disabilities, thank you very much.

1.3 overall, it was a positive representation. they could’ve spent so much time going through all the things that would be too hard for arthur, but they actually had an entire episode where arthur was completely deaf - he took his hearing aids off - and it was a very happy and positive episode. he was having fun, clubbing, dancing, laughing with others, and i think we took a lot of that for granted in the midst of everything that was going on, but that was a really positive representation that didn’t limit itself to stereotypes around deaf/disabled people. i actually expected that they’d drag a lot longer the feeling of loneliness and discomfort of the first couple of episodes, but they quickly changed that rhythm, so that instead of focusing on what arthur was “losing”, they focused on everything that arthur was gaining - new friends, a new love interest and a new way to see the world. also, in relation to the whole implants thing, they delivered very in depth opposite perspectives on the matter and never felt like they were shaming one group or the other.

2. SyMbOLisM! skam france is very good at it and they nailed this aspect in season three. but there was a lot of it in season five as well. like the 7am clips in episode 2, that were used to show the lack of progression in arthur’s hearing and his growing frustration and how those clips were incredibly dark, to match his mood. episode 7 also had such an interesting meaning. with arthur taking the chance to explore the world without his hearing aids, he got to explore a whole *new* world, and not a lacking one, which ties very well with what i just said about being a positive rep, but also shows that the entire episode wasn’t about arthur finding a new layer of himself, but rather him just uncovering one that was already there.

3. use of music/sound effects. it can be hard to represent deafness in a media like a tv show, but skam france did it so well. the use of music is always very conscious in this remake; while others really go hard in the soundtrack, skam france hardly ever has background music, unless it means something. another small thing but that i loved was whenever arthur was taking off/putting on his hearing aids, if he was to put the left one first for example, the sound on the left side of your headphone would start first. it was such a small thing but made the experience a lot more immersive imo, as well as the use of muffled sounds, pitching, etc.

4. Arthur. i am always surprised whenever i hear people say that they liked arthur better when they were not in his pov. i completely disagree, but then again, i feel like this fandom has very unhealthy expectations on their mains, as if they haven’t watched already 4 seasons of the main making mistakes over and over again, lol. i loved getting to know more of arthur - he’s loyal AF and protective of the people he loves. he struggles in letting people in, though, and never wants to be a burden or worry others. he’s perceptive and quick to notice when his friends need help. he is also short-tempered and when he gets mad, it is explosive, but he doesn’t hold grudges for long. he was a much more complexed character than i imagined and he totally made this season for me.

5. le gang. this boysquad is the best, sorry. they’ve always been the funniest and warmest, but it was really nice how s5 explored all the sides of that relationship, including the not so pretty ones. they were the relationship i wanted the most angst from, and i am so happy i got it. i loved seeing how chaotic, but supportive they were of arthur though and they brought so many laughs this season.

5.1 the lack of toxic masculinity. i think this ties well with arthur, because it is amazing to me that even though we were following a straight white boy as a main this season, we had no moments of unhealthy masculine competition; le gang could actually talk about other things rather than just porn stars and jerking off (other boysquads Wish!); and arthur would literally flirt with anyone without a care in the world, because he’s certain of his sexuality like that. it was *refreshing* for once not to be confronted with these tropes that have become so common in teenage shows.

7. alexia. i have to talk about alexia separately here, because that’s the most we’ve ever seen from a chris character (not counting eskam cris, ofc), and i loved her so much. she wants to be a videogame designer and she’s creative and adorable. she always knew how to make arthur laugh, but also knew when he needed words of affirmation and she was never shy in telling him how much she loved him. it was also amazing seeing her open up about some of her insecurities, and that her confidence is something she had to work on as well. she was such a great friend & girlfriend and just ugh the best.

7.1 the female characters are badass and unapologetic. i am aware that the love triangle was unnecessary and a mess. but i am not mad about the way both characters were represented, because they were both great characters. i liked alexia more simply because i was already attached to her from previous seasons, but noée was badass as well and teaches arthur so much, and not only about her experience as a deaf person, but about life/love in general.

8. arthur’s relationship with his mom. we LOVE and STAN parents in the skamverse. arthur and his mom had the best relationship ever; i loved how they truly became a team by the end of the season. but since the moment she showed up, it meant so much that arthur could have at least one supportive and loving parent, no matter how much he screwed up or felt lost. his mom was really trying her best and i adored her.

9. *actual* adult advice. i understand why all the adults in the skamverse are a bit cringey and weird, but i feel like this results in these characters relying on each other’s poor advice throughout an entire season before they realize what they actually should do. and the talk with the school’s nurse and his doctor by the end of the season was meaningful AF and i wish something the remakes would explore more often, because it could resolve so many of their issues just talking to someone who knows better, lol.

10. the relationships with the girlsquad. i know this is actually very intentional of skam france - to build a specific kind of dynamic between the main and all the side characters. we saw that in season 3, and i think it’s a lot more evident here, but it still made a lot of sense and warmed my heart so much. arthur and imane were the purest - she was the first one to notice that something was wrong with him and also reached out to give him advice on how medical school could still be a possibility even with his disability when she absolutely didn’t have to, but she’s just a sweetheart like that. arthur and daphné had a lot more tension, which is understandable, because both are protective of their own best friends (bas and alexia) and would defend them to the ends of the earth. i think they honestly have a lot more in common than they think. but my favorite dynamic was arthur and emma. i totally did not expect for emma to have such a part in this season, but every single one of their interactions was Gold. emma could see a lot of herself in arthur and i think that’s why she was so quick to notice that he wasn’t interested in becoming a surgeon at all. that scene when she says it would’ve been nice to have arthur as a brother was the sweetest thing Ever.

11. i’ll finish with the acting. y’all, the guy who plays arthur literally CARRIED this season and i hope his back is doing fine. he was So powerful - he made me cry, and laugh, and feel frustrated. he delivered every single emotion perfectly. i also think that the fact these actors are friends irl (i assume? lol but i think i’ve seen them in each other’s personal IG stories) really helps their chemistry on camera. le gang feels like a group of brothers/best friends and they were always so natural and effortless in their interactions. the new actors also Rocked and delivered so much emotion even if they were using a completely different language and it was awesome.

(also, this just literally applies to *me*, a lucas lallemant HOE, but it was so nice seeing lucas up close from a different perspective. the fact we could still see so many layers of him: his emotional self, his bratty self, his supportive self, even a touch on his abandonment issues and everything made me so happy. i think sometimes i forget the lucas character was real and not something i made up because he feels too good to be true, and it was really interesting seeing him from arthur’s POV).

i’m not here defending the mistakes they made in s5, i don’t think it’s a perfect season either, but tbh i have yet to find what i consider to be a perfect season in the skamverse, so here’s just some things i liked about this season that i feel like y’all should take into consideration as well. thx

[nastyburger]

. . . OH NO SPECTRA. What has Spectra done to our favourite ectoplasmic heroes across the Dannyverse? You already said that Jazzy didn't find out abt Danny B at that point. (Also, sidenote, did Mourner Jazz find out about Sam Mourner during the Ember episode?)

ah that certainly is a thought huh, thinking about what weaknesses she would poke and pick at the kids for yeah lets think about that. i suppose this is more just a general fear/insecurity analysis i guess but nonetheless!

canon danny: we know danny has issues fitting in and his personal self image (”Not a Ghost, not a boy, but a freak. You don’t fit in anywhere!”) i really wished the show leaned in on that sort of identity crisis thing but i do think/interpret this is why danny is always so set on fitting in with the a-listers despite his history with dash (literally running up to the jocks and hearing what they have to say just because he was invited to a popular party with them).

he also seems to crave interacting with other people who dont know about his ghost half like sam and tucker do (hanging out/dating valerie despite the literal danger, ditching sam and tuck for aforementioned a-lister reasons). like he’s willing to do these things while instantly pretending the bullying and hunting his ghost half stuff didnt even happened just to hang out with these people like a normal teenager. he worries about fitting in, so this is what spectra picks at.

danny b: somewhat similar to canon danny, but much more focused on themes of being accepted and understood. he spent 6 whole months in rehab on a misunderstanding and now everyone else has this wrong perception of him and he cant even correct them, its frustrating. sure sam and tucker knows hes a ghost, but do they really understand the stress his human half went through? its not like they were with him in rehab. can any other human peers EVER see what he’s going through? sure his parents love him and only want the best but if this distance is how they react him over “smoking” will he really be accepted as a ghost?

spectra would throw a lot of stabs at how no one will ever fully understand danny b’s experiences, he can never tell people the whole story and even if he does he’ll be hated for it. in their fights, if db says any quips she would even play dumb and pretends what he said didnt make any sense. she tells him his words bounce off people, what he says is meaningless, he’ll never be understood. people will always make up their own narrative for who he is instead.

mourner: oh boy dude just guilt guilt GUILT with this girl. “danny’s death was your fault, it should’ve been you to die in that portal, jazz has every right to DESPISE you” the taunts go on and on and on. pretty self explanatory where this goes from here. spectra definitely has a FIELD DAY with this one.

(and to answer your side note, sam comes clean and tells jazz about the secret herself, details about it are in mourner’s lore post)

dex: feelings of being helpless, incomplete, needing to be fixed. dex doesn’t let the fact that hes actually disabled get to him, choosing to ignore instead since his prosthetic mostly works like any other arm, but when glaringly obvious differences make themselves known he cant keep pretending. he cant stay in extreme cold or hot weather for very long or else the metal will literally hurt him or the circuits will become affected and needs regulation, he cant stay in water with his arm for too long, he needs to get maintenance done on it, he has to literally take it off and charge it every other night. hell, he even had to learn how to write with his left hand! these differences are not something he likes to think about.

its not just the disability thing either, dex loves his family, but they overbear on him a little too much. before fussing over his arm, it was fussing over his health. he was always sick or weak in some way as a child, even when most of this is alleviated from the mutation, suddenly its “make sure the ecto contamination isnt hurting him” or “i know we checked your arm last week but we would like to check it again“ it can get a bit suffocating. spectra would constantly pick at how weak and helpless dex is, how he cant do anything or fend for himself without fancy gimmicks and weapons. “Take away your arm and robot and what can you even do with whats left of you? Even a normal kid will pose a bigger threat because they would at least have 2 hands to fight me with!”

ghouly: stuff like having his confidence and self image crash down on him, something almost akin to impostor syndrome. tucker puffs himself up and has a very assured self image, but as he gains popularity as ghouly he may start to doubt himself. its easy to put yourself above the bar others have for you when its set so low, but when its higher? and rising??? people have expectations of you???? suddenly this is a little harder to deal with and reassure yourself about. feelings of inadequacy will start to pop up.

spectra would take these little rising bubbles of insecurities and blow them up to an unimaginable degree. she would call him a fraud, say hes somehow scamming people, hes not being trustworthy by keeping a secret identity and will get found out. he’s put himself on such a high pedestal and now he cant live up to it.

[babyshawwn]

“can i hold your hand?” | line blurb

“Is the coffee good?” Shawn asks you, putting his wallet back in the pocket of his jeans. You nod in response, halfway through your first sip of the hot liquid already. 

“This place makes the best coffee I’ve ever had. Got me through tons of exams. You don’t know what you’re missing.” You tell him while shaking your head, eyes looking disapproving down at the cup of tea in his hand. 

Shawn rolls his eyes at your teasing, but he doesn’t succeed in hiding the wide smile that runs across his face. 

“Well, you’re the one who’s never had tea.” He points out, raising an eyebrow towards you. “You don’t know what you’re missing.” 

“My mother told me strong women drink coffee.” You reply with a smile, sticking your tongue out at him. 

Shawn rolls his eyes but then shrugs his shoulders, giving in to the discussion quicker than you expect him to. 

By now, Shawn knows that arguing with you is never a good idea. It amuses you, really. All the things he lets you get away with saying, jokingly of course, but still. 

You begin to walk down the street and Shawn follows closely beside you, sipping his tea as hot as possible and you wonder how he’s not burning himself.

Shawn’s never really been in the area of your university, it’s way across town from where he lives but you didn’t hesitate to say yes when he asked to take you for coffee in between your classes.

You walk in silence for a while, but it feels good to you. You enjoy Shawn’s company without the need to be talking constantly and it feels nice, walking around campus with him. 

You hang out from time to time, mostly with friends, but lately he’s been texting you loads and taking you on road trips and you never realised how lovely really Shawn is. He is the shy one out of your common friends, the laid-back one who likes to listen to the conversation instead of being the conversation. 

The completely opposite to Brian really, who’s always talking people’s ear off. 

You look towards the tall, brown-haired guy next to you and you almost stumble over your own feet. Shawn laughs at with, but you can tell he feels as unsteady as you do. 

It’s strange, really. 

You’re grown people, but something about him makes you feel like an insecure teenager who’s falling in love for the first time. 

You feel Shawn’s eyes on your, it makes you chew the edge of the coffee cup as the butterflies seem to crack in your stomach. 

A smile spreads on his lips while he pushes back a few curls and you instantly feel the heat run you’re your spine. 

“What?” You ask him and he looks at you with a goofy smile. 

“Nothing.” He shrugs, his hand scratching the back of his neck. He seems a little nervous, you don’t blame him. For some reason, so do you. 

“Then why are you looking at me like that?” You watch as the heat raises in his cheeks and he turns red within the matter of seconds. 

It’s rather cute. 

“I was just… I was thinking maybe…” Shawn stutters through his words and it makes you giggle slightly. 

“You were what?” You ask him, your tongue sliding between your lips. “I don’t have all day, you know?”

“I was thinking I’d like to hold your hand.” He says, clearing his throat. “Can I hold your hand?” 

You’re surprised at his question, it’s not a usual thing to ask about, but you do think it’s cute. You wonder if he’s insecure about your feelings towards him. 

“No, you can’t hold my hand.” You say and you can tell he’s disappointed. You take a step closer to his lank body, feeling his warmth against immediately. “But you can kiss me instead.” 

You whisper and a smile runs across his face. It doesn’t take Shawn more than a second to place his lips on yours, eager to meet your warmth. 

Your body lingers when he spreads your lips and you allow his tongue to slowly glide into your mouth. You don’t know why but you’re surprised with how good of a kisser he is. 

Shawn’s free hand slips behind your neck and he pulls you a bit closer to deepen the kiss, while his thumb is circling the skin on your neck. 

When you finally break to both get air, you can’t stop a small smile from appearing on your face. Shawn leans closer to press his forehead against yours. 

“You taste like coffee.” He pouts. 

“You better get used to it.”

[good-doctor-imagine]

Scar » six

one // five

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Fem!Reader

Summary: After Richie and you find out you’re soulmates, there’s a bit of trouble in paradise. Beverly and Eddie try to work together to fix the problem, but another one seems to come from out of the blue.

Word Count: 2900+

Warning(s): swearing, quite a bit of angst if you’re sensitive like me (but I promise it gets better!)

“Holy shit.” The words that left your mouth was a result of pure shock. You both sat there for what felt like ages, staring at each other’s marks in absolute silence.

“So,” Richie coughed, his face was pale like he felt sick, “What now?”

Your eyes shot up to look at him. He almost looked defeated and any sense of joy you felt vanished. That was right, you talked about this with Beverly just a few days ago. You were too young to find your soulmate and you doubt Richie would want to spend his teenage years tied to you.

“Uhh—I mean, I don’t know. This really doesn’t change anything, right?” You questioned, keeping your eyes steady on him to see how he reacts. Richie simply shrugged, laying his hand to rest back in his lap.

“I guess not,” Richie spoke up, his voice steady. “Friends?”

The one word just about broke your heart but you didn’t let it faze you. The word shouldn’t have hurt you that bad, you were even doubting what you should do. You had to stay strong, especially when Richie is asking you, his soulmate, if you just wanted to stay as friends.

“Yeah, friends,” You put on the best smile you could and nodded at your soulmate. You thought you would be happier but only the sense of doubt filled you when looking into his brown eyes. Were they that pretty before? Was he this attractive before? Even though it had only been a few seconds, you could already feel the sense of regret looming over you.

School finally started and luckily enough, you and the losers had many classes together. You had chemistry with Beverly, English with Stanley and Eddie, math with Bill, and history with Richie. Although it had been months since you and Richie agreed to just be friends, you both drifted apart ever since that day. It was like every time you were with each other, you didn’t know what to say or do. You couldn’t even hold a conversation with him without feeling a weight in your chest.

History was pretty lonely for you and Richie. You didn’t really talk to each other and no one wanted to talk to the two of you. So, you still sat next to each other but you didn’t do anything. Richie was known for causing a ruckus, especially with his friends in class, but in history he was quiet, choosing either to take a nap or stare blankly at the chalkboard.

It felt like Beverly was the only person you could talk to at this point. She knew about your crush on Richie and she was your best friend. You could rant to her about anything and she would just listen. On the off chance that you ask her for advice, she’d give it to you and explain the reason why. She wanted the best for you and you felt that.

“Sometimes I just wonder why I even agreed to be friends in the first place. It was pretty obvious that I liked him before all of this mess. And now I just feel terrible. I want the best for Richie, I really really do. I don’t want to tie him down to one person so early but I also like him a lot.”

Beverly would never understand how much you truly liked Richie, but she feels a bit responsible for putting you in this whole situation. If she didn’t invite you to the party then you wouldn’t have realized it was Richie. Maybe you would have found out at a better time, later in life. Beverly felt like it was part of her responsibility to help you through the problem you and Richie were having. Heck, she was a bit jealous you had a soulmate and mad that you weren’t doing anything about it.

Beverly knew from several attempts that you wouldn’t do much about it. You were too scared to actually confront Richie, even if it wasn’t to tell him about your feelings. So, she did what she thought was the next best thing: she confronted Eddie.

It is already known that Eddie is Richie’s closest friend. Even before you came along, they were like two peas in a pod. If you were too afraid to confront Richie and you didn’t want Beverly to talk to him, then she would go to his best friend.

“What’s going on with Richie?” Beverly asks during the middle of class. She wasn’t really that quiet, it was already pretty loud in the classroom. This moment was perfect for her to confront Eddie about your problem; they were paired up for a project that wasn’t due until Monday and they were already just about done.

“What do you mean?” Eddie questioned, his forehead wrinkling as he looked up at Beverly.

“Well,” Beverly trailed off. She wasn’t really sure how to bring up the topic without being absolutely obvious. There really was no way around the situation and if this was able to help you, she’d apologize later. “You do notice that ever since they realized they were soulmates, Y/n and Richie haven’t been talking, right?”

Eddie’s eyes widened at Beverly’s question, realizing what she was beginning to talk about. “Yeah, they’ve been avoiding each other like the plague.”

“Exactly,” Beverly sighed, a smile beginning to appear on her face. “So, do you know why?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it? They’re soulmates but they decided to stay as friends. It’s a bit awkward,” Eddie stated, tilting his head at the girl in front of him.

Beverly nodded even though that’s not really the answer that she was looking for. “Hey, Eddie?” She started to speak in a quieter voice, “Do you think that Richie likes Y/n?”

Eddie’s face started to glow red and he felt himself begin to sweat. There was no way that he could tattle on his best friend but part of him wanted to say it. Almost like Beverly, he thought it would be better if Richie confronted you about his feelings. He thought that this whole situation could all be solved if you two actually tried to talk to each other.

“I just really like her and it’s really hard to see her every day in class and not talk to her. She’s sitting right beside me but I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m handcuffed to the desk and there’s a divider between us. I can’t even look at her without my heart running like a marathon. It’s so hard to keep myself from turning red around her. Eddie, I really think I’m dying.”

Eddie’s hands started to tremble as he thought about Richie’s constant babbling about you. Whenever he was with Eddie, Richie would never stop talking about you until Eddie explicitly told him that it was getting annoying. Even then, Richie would find a way to comment on something about you.

“I can’t reveal that information, it’s confidential,” Eddie answered, trying his best to keep his voice from trembling. “How about Y/n? Does she like Richie?”

Beverly smirked slightly at the boy. “I can’t say that either. Girl code.” Both of the stubborn friends stared at each other for a few seconds before Beverly sighed, leaning her head on her hand. “Look, Eddie, I really want Richie and Y/n to be happy but this whole situation is obviously daunting on both of them. I’m not telling you that Y/n likes Richie, but I’m not telling you she doesn’t like Richie. If you get what I’m saying and you agree with Richie, then we need to come up with some sort of plan.”

Eddie thought about his choices at the moment. He could refuse and listen to Richie’s constant whining about you for another century, or he could agree and Richie could get mad at him for trying to set it up. “I’m not saying anything about Richie liking Y/n either, but if I agree to this plan then we have to keep it a secret from Y/n and Richie.”

Beverly didn’t even try to hold back her massive grin. “You’ve got a deal.”

Winter formal was coming up and you didn’t have a date. It shouldn’t really matter, school dances weren’t the most entertaining thing in the world, but everywhere you looked there were people getting asked for the dance or happy couples holding hands in the hallway. Your whole situation with Richie only made you feel worse. You could have had this moment with Richie, but your insecurity got in the way of it.

Even Beverly was going to the dance. Bill finally worked up the guts to ask Beverly to go to the dance with him and she happily accepted. She gushed to you about how cute he was when he asked her, his stutter significantly worse and his face lit up like Rudolph’s nose.

Lunch was getting even worse because Bill and Beverly spent all their time talking to each other while Richie and Eddie were constantly bickering. Ben wasn’t in the best of moods either and you felt bad trying to get him to talk to you. Stanley didn’t even have your lunch because his advanced math class was dismissed at a later time. And Mike obviously wasn’t there because he’s homeschooled.

“Hey, Y/n?” Beverly suddenly spoke up, causing you to flinch. You were expecting to have another pretty quiet lunch by yourself.

“Yeah?”

“Have you been asked to winter formal yet?” She asked, a smile growing on her face.

You tried to hide your face slightly, a bit embarrassed with your answer. Beverly was just trying to get a reaction out of Richie, you knew that, but you didn’t think this was the best way to go about it. “Uh... no.”

“Ow! Eddie, why are you pinching me?” Richie exclaimed, smacking Eddie roughly on the shoulder.

While you were trying your best to hide your face and Richie started up another argument with his best friend, someone approached your side of the table, clearing his throat to get your attention. Your head shot up at the sound and Richie’s bickering silenced.

Next to you stood a guy from your chemistry class. You only talked to him a few times but he seemed like a pretty nice guy. “Hey Y/n, I was wondering if I could talk to you after school.”

You felt a lump forming in your throat as you stared widely at the guy. “Oh— yeah, yeah. Sure.”

The boy smiled and nodded, saying that he’ll meet you at your locker after last period. When he left, the table was silent and you were frozen. Your limbs almost felt heavy and when you looked at your lunch tray, you suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore.

“Holy shit,” Beverly swore, “What do you think that’s about?”

You shook your head as your shoulders rose. “I have absolutely no clue.”

Richie couldn’t help but purse his lips and hang his head. Something about that guy left a sour taste in his mouth. Suddenly, his urge to argue with Eddie disappeared, his mind trying to figure out what he should do.

When you weren’t looking, Beverly narrowed her eyes at Eddie and mouthed at him. “Was that you?”

Eddie quickly shook his head in response, his eyes as wide as saucers. Their plan was scheduled for tomorrow, this was a complete surprise to the both of them.

After last period, you told the rest of the losers to head home without you. All of them obviously knew why and nodded their heads, leaving you alone at your locker as you waited for Nathan. You almost cried in joy when you suddenly remembered his name.

Before long, Nathan was strolling up to you, his face red as he tapped his foot on the ground sporadically. “So, how have you been?”

Your forehead wrinkled a bit as you looked at him, expecting more than a simple ‘how are you?’. “I’ve been okay. Chemistry’s been kicking my butt a bit lately. How about you?”

“I’ve been good too,” He responded, pausing for a moment before continuing. “I just wanted to say you’re really pretty.”

“Oh,” You stumbled over your words, shocked by his sudden compliment. “Thanks, I guess.”

Nathan nodded his head again, biting his lip and taking a deep breath before finally getting to the point. “I was wondering if you’d go to winter formal with me?”

Oh. Oh. That’s why he wanted to meet you. The whole time you were in math class you thought he was going to ask to copy your homework. “Oh… uh—I mean—” You sputtered out, trying to find a way to politely decline his offer.

Before you were able to find the right words, you felt a weight on your shoulder and a sudden warmth envelop you.

“Sorry, but she’s already got a date.”

Your head shot up at the sound of Richie’s voice, eyes wide as you stared up at him. Was he watching you this entire time? You thought you told the losers to go home without you. Did he stay behind?

“Really?” Nathan pressed, his mood doing a complete 180. Suddenly he didn’t look nervous or embarrassed. His foot stopped tapping and his face was its normal color. On his face, there was a small frown and his eyes were squinted at Richie.

“Yeah. Now, I have to take Y/n home so can we wrap this up?” Richie smiled teasingly at the boy, his voice not wavering despite the harsh glare that Nathan was giving him.

“Wow, I didn’t peg you to be dating this type of guy,” Nathan scoffed, turning his attention back to you.

Your jaw dropped open for a moment before your face started heating up. It almost felt like your hands were shaking at his comment. Your mind completely skipped over the fact that he suggested you two were dating. 

“What do you mean this type?” You challenged. Richie tried to tug you away but you wouldn’t budge, your eyes refusing to waver from Nathan.

“Everybody knows Richie is just a loudmouth. He’ll talk your ears off with nonsense. Not to mention, he’s just a puny little blind kid without those glasses taped to his face.”

It took everything in you to keep yourself from completely tackling the prick in front of you. Your blood was practically boiling at this point. “At least he’s not an asshole like you with no personality at all! Unlike you, Richie can actually make me laugh. You think everybody is laughing at your jokes when they’re really laughing at how fucking stupid you are!” Richie froze next to you, his body stiff as he listened to the words start pouring out of your mouth. “Also, I happen to like his glasses.”

After a bit of name-calling and cursing, Richie successfully started to drag you out of the school and you started to make your way home. The cool air calmed you down as you and Richie rode your bikes.

“I’m sorry about that.” You were almost startled by Richie’s voice, but after the initial shock, you almost felt bad. His voice was not as strong as normal, he was even a bit quieter.

“It’s really okay,” You brushed it off, “That guy was an asshole and I wasn’t going with him anyway.”

“It’s not like he was wrong.” You slowed down at his comment, an uneasiness starting to spread through your body. “He was right, I’m really just a blind kid with glasses.”

You immediately stopped your bike, making Richie have to violently stop, his brake screeching so he wouldn’t hit you.

“What the fuck, Richie? That’s not true.” There were tears beginning to form in your eyes as you felt your heart begin to crack. Never in your life did you want Richie to think those ridiculous things about himself. “You’re such a great person, you know that? Now that I know you, I couldn't imagine a life without you. You make me so damn happy every time you crack a joke, even if it is an extremely disgusting one. Anyone would be lucky to date you.”

Richie watched you with his mouth open, his eyes refusing to blink. He thought if he moved, he would suddenly miss something. When you were done, Richie’s heart was beating so fast he thought he was going to have a heart attack. 

“So Eddie was right. I’m such an idiot,” Richie groaned, throwing his head back. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. My own insecurities got the best of me and I thought it was best if we didn’t have to be soulmates. I didn’t want to hold you back. I thought you deserved so much more than me but I guess that only hurt you in the process.”

Now, it was your turn to be shocked, your mouth wide open as you tried to process Richie’s words. “Wait, so you like me?”

The strong blush that overtook Richie’s face was enough to answer your question but he nodded anyway.

“You idiot,” You laughed, wiping the tears away from your eyes. “I liked you even before I found out we were soulmates.”

“So, does that mean I can kiss you?” Richie stared at your lips as the urge to lean forward grew, teetering at the edge.

You shook your head at his blatant staring and mumbled before pressing your lips firmly against his.

“Anytime, Tozier.”

Please tell me if you liked it! This chapter literally took me 3 hours to write, 4 hours if you add the amount of time it took to plan it. I wasn’t expecting this series to take me this long but I’m actually really happy about how it turned out!

I’m working on another series currently (I’m not announcing it just yet because I want to make sure I’m invested in it first!) so if you want to stay tuned, I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you for all of the support for the series. The likes, reblogs, and comments really make me happy and make me want to write more. Really, thank you.

[ofstarsandvibranium]

From Left Field: Part 2

Fandom: Marvel (Single Parent AU)

Pairing: Chubby!Bucky Barnes x Reader

As requested by anonymous: I just got back from taking my son to the park and I saw a guy there that reminded me of a chubby Bucky. Now I’m just imagining chubby Bucky falling for a mother. It would be the sweetest thing in the world and he would be such a wonderful stepdad!

A/N: this is gonna be a 3 part series! that’s it! NO tags! (except for @cametobuyplums )

The days had come and gone, and now it was Saturday which meant that you would be meeting up with Bucky at the coffee shop. With Mason strapped into his car seat, his usual essentials packed, you were on your way to Queens.

During that time, you played your playlist of Disney songs. You and Mason sang along to every song, doing your best to hit all of the accurate notes, and laughing when you couldn’t.

Eventually, you arrived to Queens and the apartment complex of your babysitter. You climbed the steps and let Mason knocked on the door. Seconds passed and it swung open.

“Mason, my buddy!”

“Peter!” your son exclaimed and hugged the teenager’s legs.

Peter chuckled, “It’s good to see ya, Mason.” and with your four year old still attached to his legs, Peter leaned in and hugged you, “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey, Pete. Thanks for watching him.”

Peter snorted, “C’mon, Y/N. I love Mason. He’s my buddy, right?”

“Right!” Mason exclaims with a jump.

You knelt down and kissed your son’s cheek, “Alright, baby. Be good for Peter, okay?”

“Okay, mommy. Love you!”

“I love you too, baby.” with another kiss and a hug and a thank you to Peter, you were on your way to Maximoff’s Cafe.

____________________________

Bucky arrived to the cafe early because he was nervous. Yes, he knew this wasn’t a date, but still. This was his first time making a friend in a long time and he just needed to get his nerves settled.

Wanda, one of the baristas and owner of the cafe, got him some chamomile tea to ease his nerves. It did nothing. So thanks for nothing, Wanda!

So he just sat at a table being a bundle of nerves as he waited for you.

“Hey, Bucky!” you approached him with a smile, when you arrived just on time, “How long have you been waiting here?”

“Oh not long.” Liar. You’ve been here for the past hour!

“Oh, okay! I’ve never been here before. It looks so cool and homey.”

“My friends own the place, Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Brother and sister duo.”

“Cool. So that means you must get free drinks?”

Bucky snorted, “Not even close. But I do get free pastries and sandwiches.”

“That’s so much better than free drinks!”

“Yup and clearly,” he grabs his around stomach, “I love to eat. A lil’ too much that it’s obviously become a problem?”

You look at him curiously, “A problem?”

“I gained a lot of weight the past few years. Don’t look my best. That’s why I was all gross and sweaty at the park, if you noticed. Been trying to work it all off.”

“Are you unhealthy?”

“No. I just-I’m not all that great to look at right now. Few years back people said I was handsome, hot, sexy, whatever. I didn’t think too much of it. And I guess I took that for granted ‘cause now-”

You shook your head, “Stop that, Bucky.”

“What?”

“Diminishing yourself. Sure, you’ve gained weight, but that doesn’t mean the more you gain the less valuable you are.”

“But-”

“And frankly, I think you’re very attractive. Chub and all. But I get it. I mean, after I had Mason, I didn’t lose any of the pregnancy fat. It just stayed there. So I get why you’re insecure. I mean,” you scoffed, “my ex, Mason’s dad, cheated on me with someone skinnier and hotter.”

“Asshole,” Bucky mumbled.

You smirked, “Tell me about it. He made me feel super shitty, but a friend helped me realize that, first off, I shouldn’t feel sorry about myself because of my ex ‘cause he’s an asshole anyway and doesn’t deserve me.” Bucky nodded in agreement, “and second, no matter what my weight or size is, I’m still valuable. I’m a hardworker, I’m intelligent, I’m polite, I’m kind, I’m a good mother, and I’m hot as shit!” 

Bucky shook his head, “You’re wrong about one thing. You’re not a good mother. You’re a great mother. And for the record, you’re very beautiful.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” you leaned back in your chair with a sigh, “Well, that’s not how I expected us getting to know each other go. I thought we would talk about our jobs, favorite movies, if we have pets, all that. But no, we got into the deep stuff already.”

Bucky chuckled and have you a shrug, “Well, what could you do?” he leaned in and smiled at you, “So, Y/N, you got any pets?”

____________________________

Your time at the cafe with Bucky was so chill and refreshing. You laughed, talked, listened, and learned a lot about each other. You even met Wanda and Pietro, who were kind enough to give you a free sandwich since “a friend of Bucky’s is a friend of ours” as they said. 

Four hours later, it’s six o’clock and you and Bucky are heading out of the cafe with to go boxes in hand. 

“This was really nice. I needed this, Bucky. Thank you.”

“Of course. I had a really great time talking and getting to know you, Y/N.”

“Wanna do this again soon?”

Bucky grinned, “I’d love that. I’ll let you know when I’m free again.”

“Sounds good.”

“Is it alright if I hug you?” he asked apprehensively.

He felt relieved when you nodded, “Of course!” you immediately wrapped your arms around him and gave him a light squeeze, “See you soon, Bucky.”

He hugged you back, “I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

You both then walked your separate ways to your cars and you were off towards the Parkers’ apartment. Within thirty minutes, Peter helped you strap a sleeping Mason in his carseat, his bag of things in your trunk. You thanked Peter with some money and a hug and you were onto your journey back home. 

It was a good day. 

____________________________

After that day, Bucky became a constant in your life. You two started to meet up once a week, talking and texting when you could. He also started to come by your apartment more. Whether it was bringing you food, helping you cook food, or watching over Mason while you got some stuff done around the apartment. Having Bucky around was so nice. He became your best friend. 

And his constant presence around you didn’t go unnoticed. Your other friends and your family were constantly asking if you two were together. But you always responded with the same thing: “We’re just friends!”

But no one believed you. Friends didn’t spend every waking moment talking, texting, or seeing each other. Friends don’t come to your place with flowers in hand just because they saw them and thought of you. Friends don’t make no effort in correcting your son when he accidentally calls them “daddy”. That one was an uncomfortable situation. 

You tried to reason with them all, but they didn’t relent. After hearing it so many times in so many different ways, you finally stopped to think for a moment. Did Bucky only see you as friend? Or did he see you as more? Did you see Bucky as more than a friend?

You thought about all the things Bucky has done with and for you for the past six months. When you thought about any and every instance, there was a fluttering in your stomach, your heart started racing, and there was a smile on your face. Oh shit. 

Do you have feelings for Bucky?!

____________________________

“Mommy, we’re hooome!” Mason announces as he and Bucky enter the apartment. 

You squat and open your arms to receive a hug from your son, “How was your day, baby?”

“I can count to twenty now!”

“Wow! That’s amazing, Mase! Good job! Now, why don’t you go put your things away and you could have a snack okay?”

“Okay, mommy!” he takes his backpack from Bucky and rushes over to his room. 

Bucky helps you stand and then wraps his arms around you in a quick hug, “Hey. I thought you wouldn’t be home.”

“I thought so too, but here I am! Thanks again for picking Mason up.”

Bucky chuckled, “Seriously, Y/N, stop thanking me. I don’t mind. I love Mason and I love helping you out too.”

“So you only love Mason, huh?” you asked teasingly.

That caught Bucky by surprise and he started stuttering, “I, uh, well, um-”

“Mommy! I can’t weach the aminal cwackers!” Mason cries out from the kitchen.

“Duty calls,” you say with a smile and then enter the kitchen to help out your son.

Saved by the boy, Bucky. Nice. He thought, mentally berating for becoming a stuttering mess after your teasing remark. The thing was that he didn’t only love Mason. He loves you too, but he doesn’t want to tell you. He couldn’t tell you because...

Because she’s not looking to date anyone, stupid!

Yes, we know! We all know! Don’t need to remind us! Sam does that almost every single day! The smug bastard.

“You stayin’ for dinner, Buck?” you ask from the kitchen.

Say no. You’re spending too much time with her! She’s gonna know your feelings for her eventually and she’s gonna be so uncomfortable around you and you’re going to loser her forever!

Why...Why are you like this?

I’m just trying to knock some sense into him! 

He loves her! Leave him alone!

He shouldn’t be in love her in the first place!

“Buck?” you peek your head out from the kitchen. 

Bucky just smiles at you, “Yeah, if that’s alright with you?”

You snort, “You have a key to my place, Bucky, so of course it’s okay for you to stay for dinner.”

She probably thinks you’re a loser ‘cause you’re always hanging out at hers.

Will you shut up!

“Huh?” your head pops into view again and Bucky realizes that he just said that outloud. 

“Oh, uh, my phone keeps vibrating. Group chats get annoying, ya know?”

“I just mute them.”

“Yeah. I should do that too.” Smooth, Bucky. Real smooth. 

____________________________

After dinner, you cleaned up the kitchen and the three of you watched a movie. Once it was over, it was Bucky helped Mason get ready for bed. After reading him a story, he called you in for good night kisses and Mason was fast asleep in no time. 

“Well, I better get to my place to get some sleep before my shift.” and Bucky heads to the door. 

You follow to show him out, “Thanks again for getting Mason and giving him a bath and getting-”

He shook his head, “Y/N, I told you you don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes, Bucky, I do. You’ve helped me out so much with Mason ever since I met you. I know I said being a single parent is alright, but with you around, it’s been so much easier.”

“I’d do anything for you guys. I love Mason and-a-and I love you.” you stare at him in shock as he continues, “I’m in love with you, Y/N and I know I shouldn’t be. You’ve become my best friend and I shouldn’t jeopardise that, but loving you and Mason has come so easy to me. You two make me so happy. 

“A-And I know you said you didn’t want to date right now. I’m not gonna force you or give you any incentive to. I just-I just thought I should let you know how important you two have become to me. I won’t even take it to heart that you don’t feel the same ‘cause we’re friends and I’m not the best lookin’ fella arou-mmf.” his words were silenced by your lips on his. Wait. Your lips were on his lips. You were kissing him! You’re really kissing him! He immediately grabs your waist and pulls you closer, kissing you back. 

When you finally needed to breath, you pulled away panting, “I love you too, Bucky. I’m so grateful to have you around. You’ve been such a great role model and father figure to Mason. We both love you, Bucky, so much.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Y/N. You-You don’t even know.”

“I love you so much, Bucky. I love how the corners of your eyes crinkle when you smile and laugh. I love how you never get tired of eating pizza. I love how ramble on about space. I love how you’re there for Mason and I. I love your beard and how handsome it makes you. I love your belly, it’s so pudgy and squishy and nice to wrap my arms around. I love how sexy you are and you don’t even know it. I love you, Bucky Barnes, and everything about you.”

Bucky cups your face, his thumbs softly stroking your cheeks, “I love you, Y/N, and thank you, for helping me realize that no matter how I look, I’m still worthy of love, of your love.” he takes a glance at his watch and sighs, “I love you and I really wanna stay to kiss you more, but I gotta go get some sleep before my shift.”

“Or you can sleep here? You have your uniform in your car anyway.”

He groans, “As much as I would love to do that, I know that if I stay here, I’m not gonna want to leave.”

‘I don’t see how that’s a bad thing,” you say a a smirk. 

“You’re a bad influence, sweetheart, but I’m gonna go.”

You give a pout, “Fiiine. Okay.”

He giggles as he presses a kiss to your lips. God, he still can’t believe this is real, that you’re real, “I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise. I’ll come by and we’ll talk about this. The three of us. Okay?”

You nod, “Okay. Drive safely. I love you.”

“I will and good night, Y/N, I love you too.”

With another kiss to your lips, Bucky was out the door. Once he was out of sight, you shut the door and slid against it to the floor. 

You were so in love with Bucky.

[weepingintellectual]

im in love with you

January 7th, 2020

It’s currently 11:12 PM while writing this. I’m listening to the playlist I made that I filled with songs that remind me of how much I love you, songs that make me smile when I think about you, songs that remind me of the hard times I felt being with you. I filled that playlist with songs that express how I feel emotionally about you, about us. I use it as my main playlist because it makes me feel more content.

You know when we first started talking, I didn’t think much about it. I remember feeling nervous but alive at the same time. I was nervous because the last time I had sex it was with someone I hate thinking about. Another reason was because I was at an uncomfortable stage with my body. I didn’t love myself and I had little confidence in myself in general at the time. I remember seeing your photo for the first time, it made me feel alive, it made me giggle and blush. I felt sort of conflicted because of your looks. I felt like you were someone in high school that I would avoid or you were just someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge that I existed. But I said fuck feeling nervous, I’m gonna let this dude fuck me.

Our first night meeting in person, on my birthday, something clicked in me. I’m not used to finding comfort in someone so easily but I seemingly found that comfort with you. But I’d say that night was quite beautiful. It’s something I’ve never done before hence another reason why I felt so fucking alive. I remember after you dropped me off at home, I went inside my room and I felt like a teenager again. I was smiling and basically telling myself “I can’t believe I did that!” I never expected you to come into my life. I couldn’t see any of this coming. But I always had this feeling I was going to like you, that you were going to mean something to me, that I would eventually fall for you in the future. You just had that charm, the humor I always searched for in someone. Sometimes it felt like I was sort of talking to another version of myself that I only really knew deep down.

Honestly, I can’t really pinpoint where that feeling of interest started. I always denied that I liked you until my cousin confronted me about it. I took what we were doing as something fun. Like I said, I’ve never really quite done this before and you were someone new to me too. The day my cousin confronted me, it fucking hit me like a bitch. I denied it because I was afraid. I’m afraid of being hurt, I’m afraid of what the future might’ve held for us. I was afraid that you probably wouldn’t feel the same way as I do. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn’t like you, though deep down inside I knew how I felt about you but I kept it to myself. I wanted to make you believe I didn’t like you like that but I mean you saw right through me haha. But I find it crazy sometimes about how far we’ve gotten. On February 28th, it’s gonna be a year ever since we started talking.

My first relationship was pretty awful and it ruined me a lot mentally. I felt like I was trapped in something I didn’t think I could ever get out of. He constantly put me down, he manipulated me and he made me feel so insecure about myself. I felt used, I felt hurt. We constantly fought and I always felt like I had to apologize for everything. I’ve lost so much because of that relationship. No one realized I was miserable.

Being with you feels entirely different though. I felt happy. You supported and believed in me and that’s something I never exactly had in my life. I had someone who constantly made me have positive thoughts. Whenever we’re texting, I’m always constantly smiling, laughing so loud to the point where people tell me to shut up. I talk about you a lot to others and I think so highly of you because I think you’re an amazing person. When things at home are shit and I get a text from you, it comforts me. When we’re together it makes me feel more at home rather than my actual home. So much bad shit has happened in my life and being comfortable with someone is so fucking hard for me and especially finding comfort in a love interest. I’ve dealt with a lot whenever it came to love interests. My ex manipulated me a lot and the last guy before you took advantage of me and told me that it was my fault. Ever since that happened, it started tearing me down and I went into a bad place. I had no support from any one of my friends and I felt so alone. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone else after that. But you were the first person I slept with after what happened and it was hard for me to just simply go out and have sex with someone. Even from the start, our sex has always felt good for me and it’s gotten even better when I started loving you. But regardless even when we’re not having sex, when I’m laying on your chest, I feel safe and secure. I love being with you. You’re my safety net.

I remember the moment I started having this feeling of complete fucking happiness, this euphoric feeling, the moment I thought your smile was the most precious thing ever. You were wearing your jean jacket, black jeans, a gray tank top underneath your light beige hoodie and you were wearing your CDG’s or what you like to call it, retarded heart shoes. That moment was one of my favorite moments with you. You were pretending you were those shoe review youtubers and it was also the same day you looked in my closet and started shooting me with my nerf gun haha. And since then, my feelings for you started developing into something more.

As much as you have brought happiness and have been one of my biggest factors of me shifting and growing into an entirely different version of myself, there have been those moments where the things you have said hurt me. There would be those moments where you were the reason for my sadness. As sad as it probably seems, I feel like I always know my place in people’s lives and I think I know my place in yours and whenever I start to think about that, I start hurting. I ask myself if I’m even good enough, I ask myself if I even actually matter to you. The thing is with you, I find myself overthinking a lot because I don’t know the answers to my thoughts because you don’t tell me whenever I do ask you about it. So, I’m just left with my thoughts. I always find myself trying to ignore it and I convince myself that I probably do have some sort of meaning to you.

I’ve never truly loved someone but I don’t even need to convince myself that I love you because I know I do. I have never doubted my feelings for you. I have this one hundred percent feeling that I love you. I constantly show my care for you because I feel like you deserve it, I want you to always know that I care about you. I know what it feels like to be unloved and used, I feel like that’s just the way my life is meant to be sometimes. All I ever want is to love someone and to be loved by someone. I’m certain you’re that someone I love but I won’t force you to love me. Some of my friends asked me, you’re not hurt by the fact that he doesn’t love you or hasn’t said it? But I find no problem in that. Love is tricky and it isn’t fun when the hard times come around. Love can be complicated but I find it worth it with you.

I think memories are very valuable because they can form as anything. They can be happy, sad, filled with anger, humor, anything. I’ll always cherish them regardless of how it makes me feel because these feelings can’t be avoided. As much as I always like to think about our happy moments, one of the bad moments I’ve had with you was the day after Halloween. I told you I love you, you replied back telling me you love me too and at that very moment my heart sank into my stomach. It felt like fireworks but I knew you didn’t mean it so I had to shut down that feeling of excitement. The next day, I confronted you about it and the way you responded just ruined me in that moment. I remember what I was doing that entire time when that happened. I remember I was eating out with my family, I remember trying to hold in my tears the entire time. The car ride home, I sat in the passenger seat looking out the window just begging to get home faster so I could go into my room, lay on my bed and cry. I remember laying there and while we were texting I pretended to be alright. I always find myself pushing away those times where you make me sad and it fucks me up.

One of the songs in the playlist I made that stands out the most to me is Ivy by Frank Ocean. These lyrics stood out the most for me and I hope you see why;

I thought that I was dreamin'

When you said you love me

The start of nothin'

I had no chance to prepare

I couldn't see you comin'

There were things you didn't need to say

Did you mean to? Mean to

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin' of you, dreamin' of you

I've been dreamin', dreaming

Do you think you could ever feel the same way about me? I know you’ve told me before that we’re already basically boyfriend and girlfriend just without the official seal of approval. I just want to know how you feel about me because I don’t know the answers to that. I know how I can be sometimes and I know that sometimes I could be a little selfish but you’re the only person I feel this way with and I can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else or do you think I’m just stupid and that I’m not worth being with?

[scoutception]

Ranking the 5 animes I’ve recently watched

Long story short, I’ve been taking a break and watching anime, something that I’ve only really experienced in small doses before, though in general I don’t really watch a lot of stuff nowadays (to my memory, the only anime I’ve watched in full is Danganronpa 3, so I’ll go ahead and say it gave me an aversion to it all). As the title says, I’ve gone through 5 so far, so I’ve decided to just type up my personal rankings and thoughts. If I had to say anything important before starting, it’s that 1. everything I list here is a very enjoyable and worthwhile watch, and I would definitely recommend giving any of them a try, and 2. this is just a personal ranking, and so it’s very biased. I might, for example, think whatever is number 5 is technically better than whatever is number 4, but still prefer number 4 for any number of reasons. I’m at least going to try to point out when that’s the case, but it’s still something to keep in mind. I’ll also be including information like number of episodes, what streaming platforms they’re on, which I’ll admit mostly comes down to Netflix, Hulu, and Crunchyroll, and whether or not English dubs are available, or only subtitles. Other than that, let the rankings begin. 5. Little Witch Academia

Number of episodes: 25. Language options: dub and subs available. Streaming availability: Netflix. Little Witch Academia originated as a short film released in 2013 as part of a training program for animators. It was only about half an hour long, but the fun cast and beautiful animation gave it a lot of charm, and enough popularity to spawn a second short film in 2015, the Enchanted Parade, which lasted for closer to an hour. Then, in 2017, it got a full series on Netflix, produced by Studio Trigger, which did away with any continuity from the short films, but kept the general concept. Little Witch Academia follows Atsuko “Akko” Kagari, who, after witnessing a magical show hosted by the witch known as Shiny Chariot, dedicated her life to becoming a witch, despite not coming from a family with magic in its bloodline. Despite managing to enroll in the academy of Luna Nova, dedicated to training witches, Akko finds the reality of it isn’t anywhere near what she expected; Chariot is ostracized by most of the magical community for portraying magic in a flashy, illusionist manner considered embarrassing, Luna Nova’s education is much more focused on tedious, small scale magic than what Akko had come to expect, the world at large considers Luna Nova and its magic to be weak relics of the past, something even its staff can’t argue well against, and worst of all, Akko is incompetent at magic to a downright abnormal degree, even for her normal origins, incapable of so much as riding a broom. Despite the constant demoralization, Akko receives help from one of the academy’s professors, Ursula, who puts Akko on the path to unlock the secrets of the Shiny Rod, Chariot’s personal wand, found by Akko on her way to Luna Nova. This isn’t exactly the most original series out there, and if you’ve watched pretty much anything involving non evil witches and magic schools, you’re not going to be too surprised. The main strength, writing wise, is the fun cast. Akko herself is a pretty entertaining main character, being very excitable and passionate, enough to keep likeable even with her many, many missteps throughout the series, but the rest of the cast is pretty good too. Characters like Sucy, Akko’s roommate obsessed with poison, mushrooms, and picking on Akko, the delinquent Amanda O’Neil, the mute technological genius Constanze, and Akko’s alleged rival, Diana Cavendish, who, though very haughty, has a lot more depth to her than you might expect, help hold the series together very well. Most of the series is pretty goofy and lighthearted, which helps keep it from feeling too cliche. Starting with the second half of the series, though, it gets much more story based, which might be a bit jarring for some people, but still manages some surprisingly sad moments. This is all helped by the great animation, as Trigger can always be counted on to provide, and the dub is good overall, with Erica Mendez especially perfectly capturing Akko. Overall, this is a fun watch, but it’s really not much special, so I can’t really put it anywhere other than dead last. If you want a fun, lighthearted romp that isn’t stuck to only 13 episodes, this is a good one to try. 4. The Pet Girl of Sakurasou/Sakura Hall

Number of episodes: 24. Language options: subs only. Streaming availability: Crunchyroll, Hidive. Firstly, don’t let the very questionable title give too many bad impressions. Sakura Hall, as I’ll be calling it, was originally a series of light novels by Hajime Kamoshida, with 10 main novels being released. The anime, produced by JC Staff, actually only adapts the first 6, though it ends rather conclusively regardless. This is also probably the most obscure anime on this list. Sorata Kanda is a rather unremarkable high school student attending the Suimei University of the Arts High School, forced to live in the very abnormal mixed gender dorm of Sakura Hall. Sakura Hall’s other residents consist of Misaki Kamiigusa, an extremely talented, and extremely weird and energetic, animator capable of creating anime almost entirely on her own, Jin Mitaka, the scriptwriter and childhood friend of Misaki, who is cool, mature, and has an almost chronic playboy streak, Ryunosuke Akasaka, the extremely reclusive, but talented computer programmer who mostly communicates through texts, and Chihiro Sengouka, Sakura Hall’s extremely irresponsible supervisor who prefers to leave the students to fend for themselves, outside of the occasional words of advice. Sorata is only stuck in Sakura Hall due to his refusal to abandon a stray cat he rescued, and intends on escaping Sakura Hall however he can to escape his roommates and return to normalcy, a plan that’s certainly not impacted by him picking up 6 more stray cats along the way. One day, a new resident moves into Sakura Hall: Mashiro Shiina, a relative of Chihiro and extremely talented artist, on a level only Misaki and Ryunosuke can match, who is also very unemotive and almost completely incapable of caring for herself, not helped by some rather odd thought processes (she’s almost certainly autistic, but they never actually clarify that). Sorata and some of the other Sakura Hall residents thusly become Mashiro’s caretakers, and are soon additionally joined by Sorata’s friend, the workaholic aspiring voice actress Nanami Aoyama. Sorata’s previously tedious life becomes defined by his struggles to find a direction to his life, his attempts at caring for and understanding Mashiro, and the various problems of the rest of the Sakura Hall residents. The main writing strength, is, again, the cast of characters. The characters are all very enjoyable, even the designated average guy, Sorata, and they all have their share of struggles, hidden depths, and development. The first half of the series is, for the most part, plain wacky, and while it does delve into serious moments more than a few times, it’s also prone to plain breaking the mood, either by starting them suddenly, or just as suddenly interrupting them with a gag. It’s enjoyable on its own, but it can be a bit hard to get into. The second half of the series is a big change of pace, becoming much, much more focused and serious, and for the better. Bitter topics like resentment against those who can outperform others simply through natural talent, and the risks of overworking, and the slippery slope mentality against accepting help that it can generate, are frequently brought up, and it does not shy away from how brutal reality can be. It’s never dark to the point of creating apathy, though, and it overall captures a very bittersweet portrayal of nearing the end of one’s teenage years, and preparing to become an adult. The animation is pretty good, and the voice actors all give memorable performances. Overall, this was probably the hardest series for me to get into at first, but sticking with it is very worthwhile. I can’t really say much about it, if only because I don’t want to risk getting into spoilers, but it genuinely is great. I was even considering placing it higher than number 4, but the next three things were stiff competition. 3. Gurren Lagann/Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

Number of episodes: 27. Language options: dub and subs available. Streaming availability: Netflix, Crunchyroll, Hulu, Funimation. Here’s what I would bet is the second most popular anime on this list, and was more or less one of the grand finales to the golden age of Studio Gainax, directed by one of the co-founders of Studio Trigger, and is perhaps most memorably one of the series where Gainax didn’t completely mess up the budget by the end. Simon (pronunced see-moan) and his self appointed big brother Kamina live in an underground village, with Simon living a monotonous life digging tunnels so the village can expand, in hopes of finding artifacts and being awarded better dinners, while Kamina constantly causes trouble in his attempts to breach the underground and reach the surface. Simon is insecure and self deprecating, thinking he’s only capable of the job he already has while Kamina is extremely boisterous, charismatic, and capable of seeing the potential within Simon. The way to the surface is finally opened for the pair by the appearance of a giant mecha called a Gunmen, which are piloted by the beastmen, who control the surface and are out to exterminate any humans they come across. Simon and Kamina are saved by the appearance of Yoko, a human who lives on the surface, and a miniature Gunmen discovered by Simon, which Kamina dubs Lagann. Making their way to the surface and capturing an enemy Gunmen Kamina names Gurren, Kamina decides to take the fight to the beastmen themselves, and drags Simon and Yoko with him, starting what can only really be described as a rollcoaster ride of giant mechas, drills, and general insanity. The series honestly starts only about average, but starting about episode 7, the scale just starts going up and up, and doesn’t tend to slow down. It goes for bigger and bigger heights, making for some amazing action scenes, and doesn’t get desensitizing like some things would. The cast of characters is great, between characters like Kamina, being lovably boisterous and encouraging, Simon, who gets some fantastic character development, Yoko, the sniper who despite seeming just like designated fanservice has some great development herself, Viral, the recurring beastman commander who just can’t keep up, and Lordgenome, the absurdly manly leader of the beastmen, and that’s just listing a few. The animation is great, the soundtrack is very memorable, the dub is one of the best out there, especially with Kyle Herbert as Kamina, and the writing, despite just seeming like big fun robot show, makes a surprisingly great story. I unfortunately can’t go much more indepth without definitely wading into spoilers, but it doesn’t take too long to start paying off. Overall, if I had to try to rank without bias, this would actually be number 2 on this list. It’s a great ride, and one I can recommend pretty much without question. 2. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Number of episodes: 64. Language options: dub and subs available: Streaming availability: Netflix, Crunchyroll, Hulu, Funimation. Here’s what’s certainly the most popular anime on this list, and what would be my number 1 without bias. There’s actually two Fullmetal Alchemist animes, with the original 2003 one going very off track from the manga and becoming its own thing, while Brotherhood, made in 2009, stays faithful to the manga. Fullmetal Alchemist follows the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse, in a world where the art of alchemy allows its users to transmute materials for purposes such as reshaping them into new forms, and operates on a principle of equivalent exchange, with every transmutation made relying on something being taken away. After being abandoned by their father, Van Hohenheim, and losing their mother to a plague, Ed and Al attempted the forbidden practice of human transmutation in an attempt to bring her back to life, only to fail, with Ed losing his left leg and right arm, and Al losing his entire body, forcing Ed to affix Al’s soul to a suit of armor. His missing limbs replaced with automail, a type of prosthetic, Ed becomes a government employed alchemist for the nation of Amestris, ruled over by Fuhrer Bradley, in hopes that he and Al can find a Philosopher’s Stone, an artifact said to be capable of eliminating the equivalent exchange requirement of alchemy, in hopes they can reacquire their natural bodies. Since things can’t ever go so smoothly, they end up involved in a massive conspiracy led by one known as Father, who commands Homunculi, artificial humans, who are themed after the seven deadly sins. By far the longest anime on this list, it’s also easily one of the richest. Almost every episode does something to move the plot along, and introduces a lot of important plot points fairly quickly, which helps keep the story interesting. There are many storylines going on, but all of them are both interesting and relevant, helped by the downright amazing cast Fullmetal Alchemist has to offer. From colonel Roy Mustang, out to become Furher to help atone for Amestris’ crimes, to Ling Yao and May Chang from the country of Xing searching for the secret of immortality, to the Ishvalan named Scar, out to avenge his people, who were the victims of a war of extermination waged by Amestris. As for characters closer to the main plot, Ed and Al are both great protagonists, with plenty of development between the two, and their interactions with Winry Rockbell, their childhood friend and mechanic, make for some great scenes. The antagonists are also great, with quite a few defying how one note themed villain groups like them can be, like the shadowy abomination Pride, the sadistic rat that is Envy, the independent Greed, and especially the extremely intimidating Wrath. The animation by Studio Bones is great, as is the soundtrack, and the dub is fantastic, helped by almost all of the cast from the 2003 anime reprising their roles. Voices like Travis Willingham as Roy Mustang, Christopher Sabat as Alex Louis Armstrong, Chris Patton as Greed, and Ed Blaylock as Fuhrer Bradley especially are fantastic. Overall, this is one of the best shows I’ve watched, period. I recommend it very highly, and almost wish I could confidently declare it number 1. 1. Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai

Number of episodes: 13. Language options: subs only. Streaming availability: Crunchyroll, Hulu, Funimation. Firstly, again, this is not something to judge based on the name. Secondly, yes, this is where all the bias on this list comes from. This is anime is actually only about a year old, so it’s surprisingly recent, and is also by far the shortest of all the series I’ve listed here. Rascal is based off a series of light novels by the same author as Sakura Hall, Hajime Kamoshida, and was produced by CloverWorks. Like Sakura Hall, the anime doesn’t completely adapt, only going through 5 of the 9 novels currently released, with a movie, of all things, adapting the 6th. You may or may not have heard of this anime while it was airing, but regardless, I’m here to spread the word of it, cause it’s a special place for me. One day, while browsing a library, high school student Sakuta Azusagawa notices a girl wearing a bunny suit walking around, not being acknowledged by anyone other than himself. The girl turns out to be Mai Sakurajima, an actress on hiatus that attends his high school, who has found she’s recently become invisible to an unknown number of people outside of their school. Sakuta identifies it as “Adolescence Syndrome”, a mysterious phenomenon that occurs due to the unstable psyches of adolescences, which causes physical effects on the world based on their biggest causes of stress. Sakuta has seen the effects of Adolescence Syndrome himself, with it causing physical harm to his sister, Kaede, and causing her to become a recluse, and somehow causing Sakuta to be scarred as well. Hoping to learn more about the phenomenon, as well as just hoping to spare Mai from a similar fate, Sakuta decides to solve the mystery of her syndrome, as well as those of other girls in each story arc after. The premise is pretty unique by itself, and it uses its potential very well, thanks to the grounded writing and great cast of characters. Sakuta is not your typical protagonist: he’s blunt, blatantly perverted, and more than willing to verbally pick on people with little to no provocation. He’s not even close to a bad person, though; he treats the friends he already has at the start of the series, and everyone else he proceeds to grow closer to, much more respectfully, and when the chips come down, he’ll do crazy things for other people with no hesitation. He’s one of the most refreshing protagonists I’ve seen in a long time, and has most of the best lines in the series. The rest of the cast is also great, especially Mai, the other main lead. In fact, the main focus of the series besides the Adolescence Syndrome cases is Sakuta and Mai’s relationship, which is very well written, to the point of being my favorite part of the series. It avoids so many stumbles a lot of other series can run into: the relationship is started up early, nobody manages to threaten their feelings, and any misunderstandings, current or even just potential, they take steps to work though. Even when she’s willing to jab at and mess with Sakuta, Mai is always affectionate and transparent with her feelings, and becomes progressively even more so as it goes on. It’s also just, a refreshing change of pace compared to most relationships in anime. The other main focus, the Adolescence Syndrome cases, are just as well written. Despite exaggerated situations like becoming invisible to people, or even causing a time loop, there are few times they’re played for laughs. The series takes it all very seriously, mostly because of the kind of factors that lead to the syndrome appearing. Things like an oppressive school atmosphere, where standing out causes scrutiny, and most decide to just follow the leader to avoid consequences, or the fear of your only friendships being damaged over minor reasons. While more positive than Sakura Hall, it takes the same care to show just how damaging issues like this can be. Even Sakuta isn’t above it: he’s rumored to have send some of his classmates to the hospital once, and despite being completely false, it’s ostracized him to the point that he considers himself lucky to have 2 whole friends, and he’s just accepted the mindset that fighting against such an atmosphere is pointless. There a lot of emotional moments throughout the series, especially the last three episodes, and it earns them all. It even shies away from fanservice most of the time, even despite the very title of the show (the bunny girl part was actually only the title of the first light novel, but the series just kept it for the whole thing) The animation isn’t too wacky due to the tone and grounded writing, but it has an appealing artstyle, and the voice actors do a great job as well. Overall, this is an anime that’s genuinely very good by itself. Even so, what is it that makes me so biased towards it? For one thing, it just hits some emotional soft spots a lot of other stuff doesn’t personally manage, through stuff like, once again, Sakuta and Mai’s relationship. The very interesting premise and general grounded nature also wins it a lot of points. But, ultimately, it’s not something I can really put into words. Might be because I watched it on a very weird day. Regardless, this is one I would definitely want everyone to give a chance, and here’s hoping the movie gets a DVD release soon. And with that, there’s to end to my rambling. Again, I would recommend everything I’ve put here to most people, but especially the top 2. I’m planning on watching some more anime, so I may make another ranking like this soon. Otherwise, till next time. -Scout

[theloreofwhatilove]

A couple listens into folklore I started thinking that most songs could do for giving more storyline/context in the teenage love triangle and I find that very interesting

👱🏻‍♀️❤👩🏼‍🦰❤👩🏽‍🦱

In my fantasy this love triangle is all female, thank you

1️⃣ peace - betty's pov - she's confessing to james but also laying the cards on the table, she likes james and she wants to be with her but she's not ready to be out/public, james is out and she's asking james if it would be enough if only the both of them new about their love

2️⃣ seven - james' pov - james shares with betty her story as a lesbian, and also that shes noticed betty's home situation with her dad, all this while assuring betty she feels the same and she doesnt mind keeping their love a secret cause it'll last so long. also I interpret "before I learned civility I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted" as james saying that even though shes out in the sense that people know shes a lesbian, shes not herself 100%, she was in Pennsylvania and she learned the hard way to be a more "socially acceptable lesbian" like "not rub it on people's face" which means that she stops herself from doing and saying many things when around others

3️⃣ illicit affairs - james's pov - in the first verse shes giving instructions to the other girl, hereby referenced as augustine, while the in the second verse we find out that Augustine is being unfaithful given she has a boyfriend. a boyfriend that could enter james room and realize shes been there because of the scent alone, so probably her boyfriend is a friend of james. in the choruses james is reflecting on their relationship aloud while breaking up with augustine telling her that she was a rebound and that she lied to her (probably in telling her she loved her or that she and betty werent together anymore, or both). the last verse is augustine's reaction/side of the conversation

4️⃣ mad woman - augustine's pov - shes still hurt and angry and bitter from her conversation/break up with james, and when she reacted to it james told her to calm down, that shes acting crazy, telling her she shouldn't be so angry if she was double playing too and stupid stuff like that because james is stupid af. james told her shes still with betty, so in the second verse she says "women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest job for you" saying that she hates betty more than she does james and she knows that's wrong but she cant bring herself to care. in the outro shes patiently waiting for everything to explode because she went to Inez, the gossip girl, and told her what happened knowing she'd go to betty and tell her but shes not getting the reaction she expected, betty is not reacting anything like her "mad and scathing" but betty silently withholds herself from james instead, going as far as to change homeroom to not face her

5️⃣ my tears ricochet - betty's pov - she just found out of james's infidelity and is grieving and questioning if she brought this upon herself by not come out with their relationship. she doesnt have the strength to face james so she just avoids her, meanwhile james pretends nothing happened still texting and calling her even though shes not responding. betty cant go home because she cant go to james now that shes feeling miserable because shes the reason of her misery, but judging by james's texts she can tell james is missing her too and it hurts

6️⃣ betty - james's pov - she finally finds out why Betty's been avoiding her: she knows about her summer affair, Inez told her. its betty's birthday and shes thinking about showing up at her party, wondering what will happen once their face to face. the song is james's picturing in her head how the conversation will go down, planning on excusing her unfaithfulness with young ignorance. this is when we find out that james saw betty with someone else at prom, she left the gym al rolled up and augustine picked her up and that's when the affair starts. keep in mind betty didn't know who the affair was with until this point, where james tells her

7️⃣ exile - betty and james's pov - I know this duet includes a man but let's ignore that. this is how their conversation goes about when betty answers the door to find james there. james tells her about the prom night, how she showed up but found her laughing and dancing with a guy and she felt pushed aside, "you're not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now?" "if you're not mine what am I fighting for?". betty tells her she saw her staring at them with loathing eyes and her fists tighten at her sides and she knew she had put james through a lot but the way she looked at her still hurt, "I'm not your problem anymore, so who am i offending now?" "you broke us apart, but you're the angry one". the bridge is betty breaking the relationship for good, letting james know she wont get her back and james gaslighting her (kind of)

8️⃣ hoax - betty's pov - this is betty's not-sent-letter to james where shes reflecting, thinking about how all summer long she knew something was wrong between them, she had this feeling, but she was still willing to fight for their relationship because she thought james was too and just needed time so she was walking through the blue expecting to meet james on the other side, but at that point james was already too far gone. their love was a hoax all summer long

9️⃣ this is me trying - james's pov - this is james not-sent-letter to betty. in the first verse she talks about how rough their break up was and how she kind of knew it was gonna happen and she cried a little before knocking on her door that day, "this is me trying to fix everything". in the second verse shes talking about herself post-break up and how she realized she got tipped off for nothing and threw away a great love because of her jealousy and paranoia, and shes been dealing with it drinking on bars and talking to strangers, "this is me trying to forget". in the third verse she talks about how shes been at parties trying to meet new girls but she still feels raw from their break up, she still wants and loves betty, and shes constantly missing her and thinking about her, "this is me trying to move on"

1️⃣0️⃣ august - augustine's pov - this is augustine's not-sent-letter to james. augustine is reflecting on what she had with james, realizing it was never real because james was never hers, and the signs were there, she just was far too hopeful that james felt the same to see them

1️⃣1️⃣ cardigan - betty's pov - this is betty reminiscing about her first love as an adult now, or at least a couple years later. shes pondering about how most adults, and sometimes teenagers too, underestimated her just because she was young, thinking she was naive or ignorant. but she knew many things, in the first verse we are told that she saw james walking out of the gym at prom and getting in augustine's car, but she never thought they would have a thing as she and james were fine, and augustine was dating a close friend of theirs. the first chorus is a kind of cynical "I knew you" as in I though I did but it turned out I really didn't. the second verse is about how james probably thought she would get away with it and betty would never find out, in that chorus betty's saying she knew something was up that summer because james was not as available to her as before. the bridge is about how she shared her insecurities with james, and she assured her she'd heal her but she cut them open anew instead. the third chorus is about how even though she came off as strong the breakup really marked her and hurt her, specially because james was trying to get back together. we find here that she didn't move out, her dad left eventually. on the outro shes talking about everything she knew when she was young but everyone thought she was too young to really know how life works

1️⃣2️⃣ the 1 - betty's pov - much like cardigan this us her reminiscing about her first love as an adult, this could work in a high school reunion type of scenario, when they see each other again. betty tells james about her new projects and that shes now out and proud, and sometimes still thinks about her in fleeting moments. she says shes grateful now for how horrible their break up was as it helped her grow. both "the greatest films of all time were never made" and "the greatest loves if all time are over now" are about how she thinks if it would've work out, their love would've been one of the greatest of all time, in the bridge we are told the whole reunion shes hiding back from asking james if she thinks so too, and what was needed to be done different for them to really become a folklore song like james said on seven because james arrived with Rosé, her fiancee, but a side of betty wants her to do it, even if it means to dig her own grave

[mamabearlarusso]

Rollercoaster Ride (Journal)

After hearing a few hard truths from @extremeskate, I was honestly still a little bit nervous--gaining strength for the long and hard journey ahead--but I was keeping an eye on that light at the end of the tunnel...all morning and afternoon at work the next day.

I stepped in to check on the bonsais, during my break--something I had done more often these days, since...well, since they all left. The trees hadn't been trimmed in a while--I hadn't picked up the clippers in years, and now...I just couldn't bring myself to try again--but I would water and repot them whenever they needed it. I'd usually get called away before I finished and it was usually Anoush or Sheila with something that needed signing.

Sometimes I almost felt a presence in the room with me, for a split a second before they walked in. I guess it was just wishful thinking getting the better of me...at the beginning of the year, I was hoping that it would be Daniel turning the corner--that everything hadn't gone pear shaped and at least our kids still had their father around...during that period of radio silence, I was hoping that Robby would just drop by with some wild and crazy story explaining where he had been...it wouldn't have needed to be an apology for scaring me half to death...(I didn't--and still don't--feel I have the right to expect, let alone demand the same from him that I would Sam and Anthony...caring for someone else's child had it's own trials I was constantly trying to navigate)...but maybe just some last wish he had to fulfill for his grandfather...before picking up right where he left off last time.

This time, however...I'd be happy if he just walked in. He wouldn't have to talk to me, he wouldn't even have to look at me...I just wanted to see him. But that's just my selfishness thinking again...and of course it wasn't @robby-l-keene this time, instead it was Anoush. He was quickly escorting one of the new eager employees away from the doorway. I hadn't really thought about it until then, but whenever I had heard anyone talking to the customers about the bonsais...it was him. He didn't even say anything...just a tight little smile and nod, and then they were gone. As the sounds echoed down the hallway, I heard the employee asking him when she'd be able to hand out the trees, but I never did hear his answer.

Part of getting back to living my life, after everything that had been going on, was to gain some stability...again...and actually keep it. Work was rather easy going at the moment, the kids were...well, they were a work in progress--being a single mother was another tight rope I was still trying to learn. If I was honest with myself, my mind was dumb enough to wander--once or twice--and think about what Lucille would have had to say...strictly as a single mother's point of view and not a mother-in-law's, of course...but she was never strictly a one topic type of person and if you can imagine the tangents she would go off on...then that's exactly where she went, well at least in my mind she did.

So, that left friends. I hadn't seen too much of @dr-ali-mills lately, that brunch and girl's movie night had been discussed and rescheduled on a few occasions...but after the online debacle, I was having almost no trouble at all sliding right back into my high school defenses. (Some big drama over a boy happens...you better get ready for the backlash from the popular girls.) I know it sounds crazy, I'm a grown woman...why am I so out of it? Did I ever really grow out of my insecurities? Or were they just lying dormant, until the shit hit the fan at the epic levels I had stopped preparing for...a long time ago?

Seeing Ali's number glaring at me from my phone, I remembered the last time we were together--the impromptu brunch after I got back from The Rattlesnake. After hearing the big explosive news about whatever Johnny and I were, she did admit that it wasn't exactly her favorite thing--even teasing that Teen Ali would've had a few choice ideas for my new hair style, if ever given the chance--but she did also say she'd be there for me...even if it hurt. Ali's been a good friend--a great one even, given the mess I've dumped on her, time and time again. A quick memory flashes across...the look on her face when I gave her the friendship bracelet for Christmas. We might not be BFFs, as they say--just yet--but I've come a long way since high school, and I wasn't going to ruin it by falling back on old habits. Time to grab my board and jump back on that half-pipe.

...and I missed it by THAT much. I didn't even get the chance to hit the call button.

Someone must have decided to give me a break and grant a few wishes--though that someone also had a weird sense of humor, because I got not only one--but two--bittersweet surprises. A text from Robby...he finally reached out...and he didn't even yell at me. (Yeah, well, just wait for it. Can't you just let me have this one thing?) Anyway, he sent up the signal, because he was worried about his dad. Which--in context--would've also made me happy, because that meant that they were talking to each other again, if I hadn't gotten the text right after the first surprise of the night...a drunken call from @everyonesfavoritegoldenboy.

I didn't know what the hell was going on, it might have been because he was only half making sense thru the slurred speech or because my ears started ringing when he said that he'd been in town and didn't tell me. My mind went on overdrive trying to figure what 'all this time' actually meant. Driving around the usual spots, memories flashing of the last time I went looking for him, worrying that 'you ought to have someone better' meant that I'd have to risk losing him...again!

Everything stopped when I saw him...slumped there at the bar. The worry and fear of what I'd be walking into...the irrational anger over his silence and disregard for my feelings, making decisions without giving me a say in any of it...(Why would he? You're not exclusive...you're not even...I don't know what you'd call what you are. I said it was irrational, didn't I?)...but all went stand still when I saw his face. For weeks, I had only heard his voice a few times...but nothing of his living, breathing face. (Oh god, you're sounding like a teenager. Right?! Next thing you know, I'll be writing his name on my binder...I didn't even do that when I was a teenager!)

Seeing him there, with his guys around him, he was a mess...but I just wanted to hold him and make him feel better. (This all really kind of started that way anyway...when you think about it.) The whole rest of the night was, well...being so close to him after so long--it was intoxicating...and I'm not talking about the alcohol...okay, maybe some of it was the alcohol. Let's just say I'm very impressed with myself, that things didn't go the way they may have in my younger days, and I was able to go back home with a mostly clear conscience. Emphasis on the mostly.

After getting Johnny home from the bar, seeing those eyes of his watch me and feeling his warm skin and his lips tease me...having to put a stop to it before things got out of hand--only to strip him down for bed and hop in next to him...(Hey, I know he was drunk off his ass and didn't think I was really me, but I missed him so much and he was so hurt and broken...it was breaking my heart...but nothing happened, I swear, I put my arm around him and we just fell asleep. Yup...you definitely sound like a teenager.)...going back home to an empty bed, felt cold and lonely. In fact, the last time it felt THAT cold and lonely...was the morning after I came back from The Rattlesnake.

It didn't take too long before I made my way back there...but it was just a lunch break check in. (Sure...) Okay, there was a little fun teasing in between cooking up and eating a quick meal. (Which reminds me, I have to take that man shopping and teach him how to cook, or at least how I cook. Might even break down and make some chicken salad from scratch next time.) Then I find out that the reason behind the night at the bar was another near knock-down drag-out with Robby. I think I figured as much, given his timing. Both Lawrence boys contacting me on the same night--after nothing for days. Something went down.

Long story--already too long to be--short, Robby's mother @iamtheladyshannon was in a facility. There was a bunch of drama to go with it (as there always is when those nightmare houses are concerned), but the main problem at the moment was the subject of the constant and ongoing payment. Let's just say, father and son were at odds as how to go about it. I didn't and still don't know the whole story, but I had a laundry list of reasons why I had to do something to help anyway.

Once I was off the phone with @drlivingstoneipresume, awaiting another stomach churning encounter with yet more hospital paperwork...(Don't forget the next trip down memory lane. Shut up.)...it was just Johnny and me again. He had snuggled next to me on the couch, after his talk with @nursejoylove at the door. His hand had found mine, while I was still talking, and it had allowed me to calm down a bit. Having been able to get through the call with a relative coolness, and put something in motion that would help someone in need and by extension ease two people that I care about deeply...I felt a weight had lifted, at least for the time being. Lying back with his head on my shoulder and our fingers comfortably entangled, felt...nice. I went over the details with him, even though he probably heard most of it--I think running through it again, just helped both of us let it sink in...something was being done, we just had to wait.

He got quiet for a moment...'Baby...I don't want to cut this short...But Diaz... he's...'

I knew he'd be going to see @therunawaystudent eventually, if he hadn't already. One reason why I didn't let what bits and parts I overheard of their own conversation, get to me. (It did sound a bit familiar... No! I'm not going to start picking apart every interaction with every woman I see him with...this isn't high school and I'm not the jealous girlfriend. Yeah, and how well did that work for you with your own husband? No...shut up...this isn't about me, this about the boys...don't try and ruin this moment for me.)

Trying not to think about the renewed implications from my visit this weekend--too hard--I smiled warmly...you should have seen the look on his face. 'You mean you knew too? Have I lived in a cave??'

I couldn't help the thought that shot in my mind... "Oh, I don't know, seen any bats lately?" I was able to keep a straight face, until his finger bopped me on the nose. He shook his head trying not to smile. The light mood didn't last too long, though...my back to him as I gathered my things, trying to get the words out. That I was mere feet away from his door, when I brought @chickskickasstoo over to visit Miguel, not even a week ago. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye, it was already a long day with too many emotions running around to deal with that too.

He walked me back to my car and I kissed him goodbye with a promising wink for a future trip. God, I love that smirk! It was just what I needed to finish the work day.

[thebestdressedrebelinhistory]

Zarlie 2

zarlie 2: things you said through your teeth

“Would you just pull the bloody stick out of your arse for two seconds and listen to me? I’m trying to tell you something important.”

Charlie’s jaw is clenched, her arms crossed defensively over her chest. She is looking increasingly frantic, increasingly like a caged animal. Something about the expression on her face makes Zari’s insides twist. It’s the same look Charlie gave her when she was actually trapped. When she had accused Zari of keeping people in cages. Of doing to her, what Argus had done to Zari. To her family. To everyone else like her.

It made her sick then, and it makes her sick now.

And as much as Charlie gets on her very last nerve – as much as Zari desperately wants to say I doubt that, or try being a little nicer about it, or anything else that would be completely deserved but incredibly hypocritical, coming from her – she can’t quite bring herself to respond in kind.

Because it’s not like the has the most stellar track record when it comes to winning people over, either.

Instead, Zari drums her fingers impatiently against her bicep and says, “You haven’t told me anything, yet.”

Charlie is glaring harder than ever, but Zari sees the ripple of insecurity beneath the carefully curated scowl. An unfortunate side-effect of Sara constantly relegating her to the B-team is that she has gotten weirdly good at reading the minutiae of Charlie’s mannerisms.

“Well, it’s a tiny bit personal, and when I asked if I could come into your room so I can say it in private, you just stared at me like I asked you to eat your own foot.”

“To be fair, you’ve been directly complicit in me being turned into a cat – and left that way – not once, but twice. You’re pretty low on my list of trustworthy people.”

Still, Zari steps aside, and motions for Charlie to enter.

Charlie closes the door behind her with a good deal more force than Zari thinks is necessary. When Zari turns around to look at her, Charlie is fidgeting again, tapping the toe of one studded combat boot against the floor and pursing her lips. But she also looks a little like she’s about to throw up.

Zari resists the urge to tell her to please not puke in her room, but just barely.

Kindness never was her strong suit.

“Okay, out with it. You’re being weird and it’s wigging me out.” It’s the wrong thing to say, and Zari knows it, but finding the right thing to say – and then actually saying it – isn’t her strong suit, either.

And suddenly, Charlie looks like the words have been sucked right out of her. Her mouth opens, but all Zari hears is a strangled sort of “Yeah…” as she looks at the floor, the walls, Zari’s bedside table. Anywhere but actually at Zari.

Zari feels a pang of something she’s pretty sure is sympathy, and she tries, for a moment, to think of what the right thing to do in this situation is. Of what a better, nicer person would do.

Of what Amaya would do.

Reaching out slowly, tentatively, Zari places one hand awkwardly on Charlie’s shoulder, watching for any sign that this might be helpful. Or that it might not, which is much more likely. Charlie’s eyes shoot up, meeting hers with an intensity Zari wasn’t expecting. But there’s no hostility there, no anger, no spark. Just surprise and something Zari is pretty sure is vulnerability.

“Or, we can sit down, first?” It’s pretty much the dumbest suggestion Zari can make, since she doesn’t actually have any chairs in her room. But Charlie goes along with it anyway, walking over to Zari’s bed and flopping down on it dramatically.

By the time Zari sits down gingerly beside her, Charlie is back to staring at her intently.

It’s still unnerving, but Zari doesn’t say it this time.

“Okay, seriously. I’m probably not going to bite your head off, so you might as well just say whatever it is that has you so…” Zari pauses, thinks for a moment, then shrugs. “You know.”

Charlie lets out a sharp bark of laughter. “Yeah I do, love. It’s just been a while since a pretty girl got me all tongue tied.”

Oh.

Oh.

Zari’s eyes widen. She can feel the heat rushing entirely too fast to her cheeks, and she kind of wants to bury her face in her sweater, or her pillow, or anything else, to hide it. Or maybe she wants to run away. Not that running away from her own bedroom would do her much good. Instead, she just sits there, stupidly, frozen in place.

Charlie shrugs Zari’s hand away, and her expression becomes unreadable. “Anyway, just thought I’d let you know. In the interest of honesty and all that bullshit. And now that you do, and I’ve made a right idiot of myself, I’m going to go get plastered enough to forget that it happened.”

Charlie is already halfway to the door when Zari finally finds her voice.

“You’re really fucking dramatic, you know that?” She winces as she says it, and lets out an aggravated groan at her own uselessness where feelings are concerned.

But Charlie stops, and turns around, and Zari thinks it’s possible that she sees the hint of a smile on her lips. This, at least, is more familiar territory for them both.

“I might’ve been told that before.” Zari still can’t quite figure out what Charlie is actually thinking, but at least she’s stopped actively moving away for the time being.

Not that she’ll stay that way if Zari fucks it up again.

“You never gave me a chance to actually respond, you know,” Zari says, and it comes out a little more waspish, a little more impatient, than she means for it to. But Charlie just keeps staring at her. “And you also didn’t actually tell me anything,” she says. Because there is some serious clarification needed before she can even begin to figure out where to go from here.

Before she can figure out how she feels.

Charlie frowns, and the mask cracks. “What more do you want to know?”

Zari swallows, and she moves so she is curled up in a ball, her hands pressed between her knees. At least this way, Charlie won’t see her picking at her fingernails. “All you told me was that… was that you think I’m pretty,” she says, at last. “And I think there’s more, maybe, but I’m not a damn mind reader, and I can’t understand emotions for shit, so that’s not much for me to go on.”

“For fuck’s sake, are you seriously asking me to tell you that I have a bloody crush on you?” The outburst explodes into the air between them, and Charlie at least has the good grace to look somewhat abashed afterward. She walks back over to Zari’s bed, standing uncomfortably over her.

“Well, do you?”

Charlie sighs and throws herself dramatically onto the bed. Zari’s legs fly out, unprepared for the sudden percussive force tossing her about.

“Where does it leave us if I say yes?” Charlie asks, as though that doesn’t answer the question.

“I guess it leaves me needing to figure a few things out,” Zari says heavily, and she can actually see Charlie tense.

“What kind of things? Because if I read this totally wrong and–”

Zari cuts her off. “I don’t exactly date much. I spent most of my life running from ARGUS and trying not to be… well, put in a cage. And my options are pretty limited here. At least, they are since I don’t have Sara’s charisma and raw sexual appeal.” Her laugh is a little harsher than she necessarily intends for it to be, a little more bitter, even though she hasn’t actually been interested in anyone, really.

Except, maybe, Charlie.

Which she hadn’t thought about until right now.

But no one ever accused Zari of being self-aware.

Charlie purses her lips. “Well, no pressure. I mean, like, obviously one day I’d like an answer. But if you’re not into it right now, or at all, I can take rejection. I’m a big girl.”

Zari doesn’t roll her eyes, and she’s honestly kind of proud of herself. This is probably the wrong time to be quite as much herself as she would like. But she does frown at Charlie’s theatrics. “Can I just have like, two minutes to think about this?”

“Is that my cue to leave?”

This time, Zari does roll her eyes. “No, it’s your cue to shut up for two minutes so my brain can catch up.”

Charlie nods, and to Zari’s immense relief, she averts her eyes, staring up at the ceiling as she taps one index finger against her thigh impatiently. She’s giving Zari the time she asked for, but not graciously.

And Zari can’t help thinking about the unintentional grace with which Charlie does everything, no matter how obnoxious. About the little twinkle in her eyes when she gives Zari a hard time, that always makes her stomach flop a little unpleasantly. About the fact that she has Amaya’s face and Amaya’s voice, but she never, ever wanted to touch Amaya like this, and…

Oh, fuck.

“Yeah, I suck at this,” Zari says at last, and it’s not her best opening line, but it’s definitely not her worst, either.

Charlie looks back down at her, but doesn’t say anything.

“The whole feelings thing,” Zari clarifies. “Specifically, realizing that… I might have them. For you.”

She thinks this is what teenagers must feel like with their first crush. Except she was never that kind of teenager. So apparently she gets to get it all out of her system in her late twenties, instead, which is really just awesome.

But Charlie lights up immediately. Zari wouldn’t say the look on her face is excited, per se, but it definitely looks like Charlie is trying pretty hard to keep it that way.

“So, is that a yes?”

She’s going to make Zari say it. Of course she’s going to make Zari say it. With a great sigh, Zari reaches out and places her hand over the one still tapping out an uneven rhythm. She feels a little awkward doing it, but Charlie’s hand is warmer and softer in hers than Zari expected it to be. She doesn’t pull away, so Zari supposes she can’t be too far off track here.

“Yes,” she says. “That’s a yes. At least for now. But no promises. This is still… I think a lot newer to me than it is to you.”

The shit-eating grin that always, always prefaces some infuriating remark comes back, and Charlie nudges Zari with her shoulder. “Wait, does this mean you’re a virgin?”

“For fuck’s sake, Charlie, do not make me regret this already.”

But Zari is smiling, and she can’t seem to make herself stop, which is kind of mortifying, but also, she thinks, kind of nice.