#being meaningless but i also completely understand when others feel the opposite way

[oveliagirlhaditright]

So, I was tagged in a "Top 10 Favorite TV shows" post a little while back, and I've sadly lost it (even though I really wanted to do it!):( And thank you to who tagged me in the post. I think it was @i-love-books-because-reasons? If I ever find the post again, I'll reblog it properly. But for now, I'll just answer it this way. (For some reason, I've decided not to included animes or cartoons, because no one did in their lists. Maybe that will be its own list. Or "younger shows," like Disney channel ones. But if I did, Lizzie McGuire would have made it:))

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series (though I'll be listing them separately) - have become my favorite shows of all-time (though they're also slightly tied with Dark Angel). They're just... so good and perfect, with such good writing and themes, and I could analyze and obsess over them for hours (and have), so of course they're here.

2. Angel the Series (mentioned above). - Though it and Buffy aren't exactly like. They're definitely their own shows and I love them both for different reasons.

3. Dark Angel season 1 - I just really latched onto Dark Angel, and have never been able to let it go... which is funny, because I didn't like it that much in the first few episodes: probably because they really went over my head as a kid. -shrugs- But I love my reluctant, badass heroine Max and how she grows. Speaking of Max? Love of my life. The love story between her and Logan is still one of the best written in all of TV to me. And the relationship between Max and her "siblings"--and just learning about this poor girl created in a lab, who had never even been in a house before when she was nine and things like that--has always spoken to me. The "fight the man" and "protect the downtrodden" plot is also great.

4. Tru Calling - It's thanks to my sister that I discovered this awesome show, and Eliza Dushku. The premise is just so wonderful: Tru having the ability to relive days and save people who died before their time. And whenever the show threw a wrench into the usual formula was fun. Particularly when Jack showed up, who was the opposite of Tru: trying to stop her actions, because he thought she was messing with the natural order of things and there would be disastrous consequences to it. The show was really finding its footing when it was canceled. And what the writers released of their plans for what they were going to do next? I cry that we didn't get to see that. But alas.

Smallville - Baby's first show for teens and up:) I have so many fond memories of discovering Smallville... and rewatching the episodes again and again with friends, and between new seasons. Also, watching new episodes when they aired. I feel like the idea of Smallville was great: tell the story of Superboy growing up on a TV show. It worked so well: and made so many people connect with Clark Kent/Superman, who otherwise might have trouble with it. It developed him and his relationships so well... and we won't talk about how well Lex Luthor was also developed (and played by Michael Rosenbaum): the best part of the show to many people. And how genius it was to have them start out the show as friends only to become the enemies they were fated to be. -sobs- Also, as it's been said, we wouldn't have the Arrowverse if Smallville hadn't come first. So credit where credit is due. And speaking of that, this was the time before the MCU and that sort of thing. So seeing hero cameos on this show was so shocking, new, and the best.

Alias - The first badass female heroine I ever saw on live-action TV--and fell in love with--was Sydney Bristow (aside from Xena: Warrior Princess, that I don't remember that well, because I was, like, five when I was watching Xena). Also my introduction to the wacky world of J.J. Abrams' writing. And as wacky as J.J. Abrams can get, and we all know it, I think he did a good job with Alias, and was pretty nuanced and tame here. There was just enough of his Mystery Box stuff to keep me intrigued, in this interesting spy story that I loved. And Sydney Bristow is seriously the greatest, and deserves the world. And Alias actually has one of the few TV endings that I actually like, for the most part.

Kyle XY - Another show similar to Dark Angel, in that it's about a human made in a lab (though that's a mystery for most of S1). And I really liked this show--and its main family the Tragers. Definitely one of the best things ABC Family ever did... and I'll forever be angry that it ended on a cliffhanger.

Roswell - A TV show about what if aliens did crash in Roswell, and lived among us as half-aliens, half-humans. This show is definitely largely a romance, but there's definitely more to it than just that: with some battles with other aliens, the aliens trying to get home, and stay alive from the government trying to kill them, etc. Maily it's the characters and their various relationships that make this show so great. It's certainly a product of its time, early 90's WB, but I'm nostalgic for it and love it too much. And we wouldn't have a number of shows we do today without it. Liz and Maria also have one of the best female friendships of all time. And this show is another one where I actually like the ending.

The Chosen - A TV show that tells what Jesus' ministry was like through the disciples' PoV. And I can't explain just how well made this show is. Seriously. People who aren't even religious watch it and love it. People have compared its quality to Game of Thrones... err, in a good way (I know that can be considered an insult now, after S8). This is what all Christian media should always attempt to be.

Bonus:

Dollhouse - The idea of this show is really neat (with people who have their memories and personalities wiped, and someone else's placed into them, when they're "bought" to live out someone's fantasy), but also hella problematic... though, granted, it's sort of problematic on purpose to draw attention to these problems in real life, but still. This show also becomes completely different by the end, than how it started out (I actually love this plot twist, and won't spoil it for those who don't know). But sadly, it didn't have too much to delve into this twist before it was canceled. But I do still love this show for what it did, and all the potential it had.

Game of Thrones - I loved this show so much, originally. As most people did. But then it really started going downhill when it ran out of books to adapt. Even before that, though, you could kind of see the cracks, with how they changed Daenerys so much... Or how they changed Robb Stark's marriage plot line from being about honor (like how Ned died) to love, etc. But even so, we still (mostly) have a few really good seasons, at least.

[cicerfics]

3, 24, 50 for bond & q :)

3. Obscure headcanon

Oh, it's so hard to determine what's 'obscure' in fandom! I am never sure which headcanons have been shared before, or how other people perceive this stuff.

But I guess my top 'uncommon' headcanon for Q is that he's on the asexuality/aromantic spectrum. I am totally capable of reading about (or even writing) allosexual Q, but in my heart, he will always be aro-ace to me! He makes an exception for Bond, because that's how it goes sometimes. But even with Bond, Q doesn't quite experience attraction in the 'usual' way. He's very intensely attracted to Bond in numerous ways, but not necessarily super 'horny' for Bond in the typical sense.

Obscure headcanon for Bond...honestly? I think Bond is a bit of a nerd! I think he's a jock and a nerd at the same time! I think he really likes learning obscure trivia, crossword puzzles, and books.

I think he's incredibly intelligent about a lot of things...a real polymath, in spite of the fact that he's also a 'blunt instrument'. I think he plays down his intelligence (though we definitely see glimpses of it in the films) because he likes to surprise people and he knows it's easier to do his job when people underestimate him.

But beyond his actual intelligence, I think he's downright nerdy in some of his interests and the sheer enjoyment he takes in learning new stuff. So that's my 'obscure' hreadcanon for him...'obscure' in the sane that it is not necessarily strongly supported by any part of canon!

24. Most annoying habit

Q is incredibly pedantic and bossy and stubborn. He will dig his teeth into a petty argument, and hold on for dear life. Honestly, I feel like he's actually better at letting important stuff go, because he tends to rationalize away his emotions (also a bad habit!) and bury any hurt feelings.

But if he's having an argument with someone about something that's honestly pretty meaningless? Q will go to the mat to defend his point. He will not let it go! Many people find this understandably irritating. (Bond delights in it, though, and he winds Q up just for fun.)

Bond, meanwhile, is an irrepressible contrarian and a complete brat. You say up, he says down. You say black, he says white. You tell him to do one thing, he'll do the opposite just to spite you. He enjoys being 'difficult' and he enjoys refusing to cooperate with people he doesn't like. Sometimes, he refuses to cooperate with people he does like, just because he takes unholy pleasure in annoying them. (See above re: Q.) He does not (and never did) play nicely with the other children. He just likes to be a pest.

50. A memory they’ve blocked out

Oof.

Okay, I tend to headcanon that Q had a pretty crummy childhood with parents who were mentally unwell/emotionally absent. And honestly, I think Q has blocked out a lot of his childhood. I don't think he realizes it, because he has clear memories of his education, the things he taught himself, his childhood pets, etc. But I think he's blocked out a lot of stuff that has to do with his parents and the traumatic things he witnessed while under their care.

For Bond...yeah. I think he blocks out the bad parts of his missions as best he can. I think he erects a mental wall around his memories of being tortured, and I think he refers to those incidents very flippantly because it helps him pretend this is something that happened to someone else.

I also think he blocked out a lot of happy memories from his childhood. I headcanon that he had a pretty happy childhood overall and parents who loved him (and each other). After he lost them, it was too hard for Bond to remember how good things used to be. So he just...doesn't think about it, if he can help it. The contrast between his childhood and his current life is too devastating for him.

(I am still open for asks on this topic, btw!!)

[feminist-furby-freak]

Well can you explain Gender Ideology with who uses it and where? Can you show where I can find it? Can you describe it without conspiracy theory or recycled homophobia? You are welcome to try.

So I think some of the confusion might come from the language. I know you’re being facetious with this comment but anyway. I am literally a gender studies major so this will probably be more in depth than what you’re asking but maybe someone can benefit.

Gender Ideology™️ isn’t some sort of official concept and doesn’t have an agreed upon definition or foundational text like other social theories. It’s a way of conceptualizing sex and gender. Other analogous frameworks would be biblical gender roles, the Christian fundamentalist ideas of men and women, or postmodernist queer theory, something like Butler’s Gender Performativity.

You’re right that gender ideology is vague and non-specific and I think this is because of the interaction between academia, politics, medicine, and popular culture. Sure, academics and theorists influence society, but rarely in such a direct way (please feel free to correct me). For example, the American civil rights movement and women’s liberation movement had academic elements, but were not governed by how academics theorized race and sex, they were based on people’s lived experiences. Transgenderism, I think, is the opposite and somewhat of an escaped lab experiment. Towards the end of the 20th century, academics began to write about gender in more provocative and philosophical ways. Obviously, this was not the first time anyone had done this, but there was a huge shift in the way academic spaces thought about gender in the US after women achieved full legal rights (which didn’t happen until the 1970s btw). I’m sure the fact that women and gays/lesbians could finally be scholars and professors was important as well. Anyway, I might disagree with Butler, but her theory work is at least intellectually robust. And if you read Butler, it’s very obvious that she is first and foremost a philosopher, not a sociologist or an anthropologist, and this is clear when you hear her speak (which I’ve done btw). Contemporary transgenderism, as a social category, is a direct result of these theorists. There is a lot of misrepresenting or even rewriting history but “transgender” as we understand it today did not exist 20 years ago. We like to call people like Marsha P Johnson transgender, but he didn’t identify that way. He called himself a gay man, a cross dresser, a drag queen, a transvestite etc etc. TRAs often say “trans people have always existed” and homosexual behavior and gender nonconformity (and maybe even sex dysphoria) have always existed but trans as a concept undeniably has not. I could talk a lot more about historical falsehoods and Transgenderism but for the sake of getting to the point I’ll move on for now.

Gender ideology, is how groups like radfems refer to the Frankenstein monstrosity that is the framework Western left/progressives use today to think about gender and sex in order to be inclusive to transgender identifying people. The main ideas are that biological sex is not real and neither is sex-based oppression. It maintains that social and medical transition is necessary for transgender people to live, and that medicine is able to change someone’s biological sex (it can’t). Being transgender is not just dysphoria but some innate sense that someone’s soul is differently gendered than their biological sex (except biological sex is also somehow not real, one of many paradoxes). A woman is “someone who identifies a woman,” even though this phrase is completely meaningless. Because gender is not tied to biology sex, it relies on social ideas. As a result, gender ideology reinforces regressive gender roles and stereotypes, without which it cannot exist. 20 years ago we said boys can play with dolls and it doesn’t mean they’re gay because gender stereotypes aren’t innate and are very harmful, today “we” say that boys who play with dolls are actually girls and need to be given a pink makeover and put on medication. While society was beginning to move away from gender, gender ideology has brought it back to the center and gender is once again considered to be central to one’s identity (and personality) and maybe even the most important fact about them. For this reason “misgendering” and similar actions are considered violent attacks on personhood. Crucially, gender ideology converges with conservative gender ideals through its obsession with gender and performing femininity and masculinity.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I (ENTP) am conflicted on whether to try to resolve or end this unstable friendship with an ISFP.

For context: I’m an ENTP and my friend G is an ISFP. We’re both in our late teens and have been platonic friends for a year an a half. We share the same friend group. I’m neurodivergent, have anxiety, and tend to have depressive episodes.

At the beginning of our friendship, G was facing issues in their home life and mental health. I was supportive of them, and they gained the courage to ask for help from their family to get therapy. G seemed very insecure so I often tried to push them out of their comfort zone bit by bit. It worked out quite well as G started trying out new hobbies and overall seemed more satisfied with their life than before.

While I thought everything seemed to have worked out, I noticed G (who admitted to me) started becoming overdependent on me. G often mentioned how I was the ‘only one’ who helped them and how much I changed their lives. I simply took these statements as an exaggeration of gratitude as I didn’t think I played a big part in improving their mental health, as after all had G not been willing to change/ get help, nothing I tried would’ve worked. I also seemed to have been wrong as our friend group has pointed out G puts me on a pedestal.

This is when I noticed these patterns of behavior from G:

-if I don’t text them every day, G assumes I hate them and starts spamming and interrogating me. I don’t text anyone everyday, never have. To me, that’s too much. I’ve tried to explain to G if there are periods I don’t text back, it means I’m either busy, stressed, or having a depressive episode. G still always assumes the most negative outcome: I hate them. I’ve been in the wrong at times where I’ve not texted back for 2-14 days due to burn out from school/ tiredness from dealing with G’s unstable emotions.

-if G gets upset because of the texting issue, they ghost me for a couple of days/ weeks unpromptedly. Unadding me on social platforms, blocking me, you name it. Once they miss me again, they go back to spamming me, sometimes apologizes for ghosting. But it’s all meaningless as they go back to ghosting yet again. When they ghost me, I try to give them space as I literally can’t reach out to them but G sees this as evidence of their persistent assumption that I’m unaffected/ don’t care about them. I’ve expressed to them that I do care about them many many times, it’s just that G’s mood swings I have to deal with mentally exhaust me.

-G is very insecure about their identity and sensitive. We are complete opposites in personality. But lately I’ve noticed they’ve been putting on this sudden act of being nonchalant and carefree. Many times they copy what I would say and how I would phrase it word for word. Our friend group has pointed this out on several occasions. It creeps me out at times.

-At times when I sense G is upset at me, I ask if anything is wrong, try to resolve it. They act nonchalant and say nothing’s wrong (It seems at times they imitate their false impression of me to get me to act towards them the same way they do). It’s a lie as they later black and ghost me soon after. Ghosting periods don’t last.

And currently that’s the state we’re in. I’m unadded on all platforms after I had a conversation with them asking if they’re alright to which G said ‘perfectly fine’

I’ve told G multiple times how much I don’t like the spamming, how I’d rather we text less often (everyday is too much for me), how i’m don’t like them psychoanalyzing my every word and action and drawing a baseless conclusion on my character, many times I’ve had to explain myself when I’ve done no wrong. They do this so often I actually struggle to believe we’ve only known each other for a year and a half; it feels like it’s been forever.

What to do in this situation I’m left in?

----------------------

It is a difficult situation to be in. The most important thing you need to understand is that G's negative pattern of behavior isn't about you. It's really about their own insecurity. Insecurity can arise from many possible factors, such as anxiety, stress, low self-worth, fear of loss, or traumatic relationship experiences. In extreme cases, insecurity can manifest as neediness, clinginess, lack of healthy boundaries, and even emotionally manipulative behavior.

Insecurity isn't something you can fix for someone. The most you can do is be reassuring, try to make them more aware of the problem, and if they're receptive, offer to help or get them help for it. At the end of the day, they have to recognize the problem and seek out a remedy. Unfortunately, some people can't stop repeating their destructive patterns and have to lose relationship after relationship before they admit that they need help. It remains to be seen whether G is one of these cases.

Where does that leave you? If you understand that this issue isn't about you, you might be able to approach it from a more objective vantage point. For example: You'd see G's suffering clearly and address it sensitively. You'd be more focused on support rather than offense. You wouldn't get baited into conflict. You'd communicate matter-of-factly rather than escalate. You'd be a better judge of when to engage and when to step back.

Being more objective won't solve G's problem, but it might bring down the intensity and make interacting less exhausting for you because you're not taking things too personally. This would be the path to take if you genuinely care for G and want to keep this relationship.

Of course, you are free to choose the exit. One of the reasons insecurity often leads to relationship breakup is because there eventually comes a point where all the focus is taken up by one person and the other person's needs are entirely neglected. I think you have reached this point. G doesn't listen to you, doesn't believe in you, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't take action to care for your well-being. At this juncture, you have to ask yourself what value this relationship brings to your life. If a relationship really brings you nothing but hurt and pain despite all your efforts to improve the situation, what is there left to do but exit?

Before that point, though, you can communicate your needs and draw your boundaries more forcefully, and give plenty of warning to G that you're reaching a breaking point if nothing changes on their end. Unfortunately, given how much the relationship has deteriorated, I believe it is necessary to be more direct and blunt about your feelings at this point. However, it's risky, because it can go one of two ways: Either G gets shaken into facing the reality of their insecurity and makes a change, or they sink further into insecurity and destructiveness. Either way, you'll know the truth about what is or isn't possible for the future of this relationship.

I'm not saying the only options are bear it or quit it. Right now, there's still a possibility that G is amenable to change if you raise the topic of their insecurity in the right way, though good communication. After all, I'm sure you have some powers of persuasion and you have helped them change their perspective before. However, once that possibility has been exhausted and you no longer see any hope for moving forward, then you have to search your heart, consider your values, and make the best decision for the sake of everyone's well-being.

[typekiku]

Thoughts on Mahoyo Movie

hello hello everyone!

how are all my fellow type moon fans and other "people" doing?

good? good!

anyways so i saw some shit takes going around on the net and decided i would write out my opinions on them here. screaming into the void can be real therapeutic especially for a fellow mahoyo fan like myself.

without further ado here i go

AOKO RINFACE?!?!

(Ignore the somewhat low-quality picture here.)

This is probably the funniest take since it actually is the very opposite: Rin is based off Aoko!

"bUt hOw kIkU? "You poor lost soul may be thinking, and this is actually correct. FSN did, in fact, come out almost a decade before Witch on the Holy Night did. Congratulations, you are right! Pat yourself on the back, champ.

With that being said, Rin is still based off Aoko! Don't believe me? Let's see what Nasu himself has to say on this matter.

NASU: Yes, the heroine with glasses from old "Fate" named Ayaka Sajyou had a rival character who was a total rich-kid, spoiled heiress type. She would look down on you and laugh at you, like Luvia. Her servant was the Lancer. You could say she was the basis for Rin's character. When Shirou snagged the main character position for "stay night", it was this character who transformed into Rin to fill the rival role. We wanted Shirou's rival to be more likeable than the snobby heiress, though, so we took inspiration from Aoko Aozaki, a character Takeuchi and I both like. Azaka, Akiha, and Rin are all Aoko-type characters, but I'd say Rin is the most like Aoko. I really didn't feel like making "Witch on the Holy Night" when we were working on "stay night", so I made the executive decision to create a feminine Aoko. Though I suppose she turned out to be more of a clumsy Aoko than a feminine Aoko... Takeuchi seemed to intuitively understand what I was going for, and his "Fate version Aoko" meshed well with my vision for Rin.

from : Fate/ Character Material II

(https://tri-hermes.org/Materials/cmii-rin.html)

So yes, indeed, Rin was based on Aoko. If you are still confused on how this is possible, you must understand that Witch on the Holy Night is one of Nasu's very first works, written all the way back in 1996, being an almost 500-page novel at the time.

It was obviously shelved for a long while, but the characters within it have remained influential, showing up throughout various different works of Nasu's, but especially Aoko and Touko, who would go on to be important throughout the Nasuverse.

(Also, Soichiro Kuzuki is basically a colder soujuuro and probably even from the same organization.)

Hell, we even have some original artwork from how Aoko looked back then. Compared to how Rin looks now, they don't really look that similar, to be honest.

Now this Aoko, drawn by Takeuchi in TYPE MOON character material all the way back in 2006, after fate/stay night, could be argued to look a lot like Rin, but even that would be a stretch of the imagination (and eyes).

Regardless, what is my point here? Its silly to call Aoko a rin face when:

a) She doesn't even really look like Rin (I'm not even going to bring up Koyama's version of Aoko since that's meaningless).

b) She precedes Rin in both having been created before her and designed before her.

That doesn't mean the movie version of Aoko doesn't look like Rin, because not only does she kind of look like her, but it's probably intentionally meant to provoke these kinds of takes since, in the eyes of most of the audience for Witch on the Holy Night, Aoko might as well be a completely new character.

Honestly? who cares? This "Aoko looks like Rin" business pales in comparison to a bigger worry of mine... How will Ufotable properly adapt Mahoyo?

Mahoyo is a visual novel that has more quiet scenes than action, and will they really manage to adapt that well or lean more into flashy, hyped action scenes?

This worry of mine stems from Ufotables Heaven Feel films, which while I still thoroughly enjoyed, I felt disappointed at all the cut scenes that served to establish the relationship between Illya and Shirou, and likewise the cut scenes between Shirou and Kirei, which are both just as important as Sakura to the main story.

Instead of focusing on the main climax of Heaven's Feel and the climax of the whole FSN, which is Shirou's final battle with Kirei, they extended the Salter vs. Rider fight and made it out to be the centerpiece of the route, which it is in fact not.

Judging from the trailer it will likely adapt up to at least chapter 6 which leaves the rest for maybe another film? possibly even a trilogy which i mean i just don't see happening to be frank but i could be surprised!

Most importantly....

WHERE IS MY FATE ROUTE ANIME DAMN IT??? I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG... TEN YEARS AT LEAST!

ahem

So yes, that is all I have to say on this matter. I'm both excited to finally get to see Mahoyo in film and for others to get into this series that I so love! It will be great to see others get into it, even if it is possibly a shitty adaptation.

also seeing others call this a fate spinoff physically hurts

Thanks for reading my rant of the day!

cyaaa

[fulgursmediaanalysisdrama]

Netlixes Witcher writers being publicly outed to hate the books is good, very good actually. Because nothing matches except some aesthetics (at least for season 2. Season 2 sucks)

Finally found someone who brought that up in a convo, I was stoked and wanted to join in, but his very next sentence he complained about how there were black people in the show when Witcher played in a fantasy medieval Europe. And then I didn't want to talk anymore

Bitch wasn't even white himself, well white turk ig idk but that isn't white supremacists white just normal racism, but still bro. Black people existed back then, I promise. Their history of colonialization and general trade and travel is also different, everything is different, only languages and places got loosely kept. Who cares? Like few of the characters are described by skin color, we know there are people from far away lands that aren't secluded from the "medieval europe setting" so even if I accepted your hogwash as good faith it'd be wrong.

This shit makes me so mad, that there is this real thing happening in the netflix behind the scenes where they ruin the story and message in favor of fascist esque opinions or meaninglessness. And then critique of the writers that becomes popular is one by racists because they point our attention to a different unrelated fact and combine it with the "the writers hate the witcher" tidbit that only reveals they themselves don't know Sapkowskis writings or their themes.

But because their audiences read as little or at least as poorly as them and with no curiosity of their own they get away with it.

Probably "the quartering" or someone is his source. Should've asked, didn't want to.

I also have no respect for the witcher games because tbh they breed exactly that. I don't know whether they actually support any of these views but from what I know witcher 1 is a terrible game and 2 only playable. And that from the books misunderstandings like that never arrived, while those who played the games and then read the books (or never did) believe a ton of bad shit about racism and the elves. Now this could also be a (male) gamer problem just maybe (since the games are heavily made to appeal to male power fantasies, something that is the exact opposite of the books imo) but it seems that if the games has the potential to endorse said gamer problems and opinions then it should've made a better job of not doing that.

My criticism isn't that a nude sexy Geralt is shown in the games, it is that in those moments he has too much agency and power in those situations to force the reflection we got in the books, where he is sexualized all over the place and is pretty unhappy most of the time even tho he enjoys both sex and the general company of women. Meanwhile in the games he can just fuck anyone as if it's mass effect 3 and the relationships are about as shallow and bad as they can be

Like another of my roommates, who has played the games but didn't read the books, complained that he didn't like show Yennefer. Neither do I so I thought this could be a cool starting point for a conversation.

My criticism was that she's a big piece of shit but shown as worthy of our understanding and sympathy, and that the way she acts and the way the framing wants us to feel about her and Tissaia are just complete opposites of each other. Unlike book Yen show Yen is one of the worst people I've ever seen. And the character development and time spend on self reflection is nil but suddenly at the end everything is fine and good again.

Jaskier is different, the Witchers themselves are different, the show ends as a celebration of the masculinity that is criticized in the books.

Yeah his criticism was that Yen isn't at all like in the games to him, that she's a different person he doesn't appreciate. She isn't hot

Fuck the games, fuck the show (sorry cd project red, make a better games next time and think about themes more)

[zabuivayuvseivsyo]

11024

dear bone,

i feel stuck trying to start this. words aren't coming to me when i try to thinking of what i want to say. maybe i will just type without thinking too much about it. i can be intentional or whatever next time

-

the hatred i have for your abuser and anyone who followed is immense, inexplicable, and so fucking strong that i can't think of enough ways i would genuinely hurt them without a second thought. physically, emotionally, psychologically, all of them. over and over again

the hatred i have for them is also meaningless, with no where to actually go

i wonder why it's so easy for you to accept the harm inflicted on you (by people we both instinctively know are wretched) as warranted somehow? the more i think about it, the less sense it makes. but at the same time, the more i think about it, the more my insides feel like they understand.

at this point, the body and mind trying to make sense of assault through internalization doesn't feel like protection, even if at one point it was. it feels insidious. although i don't know for sure, i believe at one point a you existed that did have self worth, or at least there was a you that didn't think about self worth at all because you didn't have to. the absence of self worth you experience was caused at some point and then evolved into an automatic mechanism of self hatred and disgust.

but it makes absolutely no sense if you allow yourself to really think about your self worth, just honestly for once, without the distortions that you feel simultaneously comfortable and despairing in. like yeah it is comfortable to sit in repulsion of yourself, to not believe you are worth anything to people because it's what you "know". but it's such an obvious fallacy. you were not assaulted because of who you are, in absolutely any way. you were at the hands of someone who was simply incapable of love and only capable of the opposite. and the opposite of love is pure evil.

when you say you cannot accept when people say they love you because it is simply the reality, i'm sure you already understand somewhere that you don't/can't feel love from others because you were forced to get accustomed to receiving the opposite of love. and i'm sure you already know that it was gratuitous, distorted, and wrong in every single way.

you're not in a place where you can experience love because you were stripped from it by someone who was supposed to love you. but that doesn't mean you as you are now are incapable of being loved. at all. and the very farthest thing from the truth is that you were/are deserving of being deprived of love, especially in the way you have experienced depravation. to be frank, i think your abuser would probably have done the same to the infinite versions of you who could have existed, and you would've been innocent every single time. how could you have not been? in fact, how fucking dare he harm someone as blameless as you were and still are? how dare he harm you to the point you cannot feel heartbroken for yourself

if others have harmed you in similar or the same ways, it is not because you attract that behavior or that type of person, it is because HIS actions carved an ugly pathway for you that you weren't equipped to avoid, that disarmed you into something that other, similarly depraved people, were able to reach. and that is at the bare minimum despicable and the opposite of your fault.

what makes me the most angry was his ability to hinder you to the point you can't acknowledge your inherent value in its entirety, or even at all. that it this grieving and these patterns are things you were forced to carry even into adulthood

you were wronged, completely and simply, because of the nature and actions of your abuser and anyone else that has done the same to you. and the person you've grown into, the defense system you developed, the constant self blame when you feel pain, the constant pain in it of itself, is their fucking fault. i don't know if i can underscore this enough. i want to scream this into the universe, that it was not your fault that it was never your fault and that it shouldn't and cannot reflect who you are to yourself because it's not true

the most recent time you said you cannot accept when people say they love you, a part of me honestly wanted to scream and shake you from that into my own reality, as selfish as that may be. you may not be able to understand or accept love from most people right now but if i'm being honest, i have known that i love you for some time already. i have held my tongue out respect and care for your comfort, because i know how hard that is for you to hear and the last thing i want is to cause you discomfort or even pain. but you have become and are one of the most important people in my life, in a way no one has been before.

i wonder if i can articulate why. i don't know if i can right now. but i want you to know that if anything were to ever change, if you were to hurt me somehow, or if something weird happened between us, the way you have become significant to me can't be changed by something like that. i think i would feel the same way i do right now. i feel pretty certain that i would still have peace, knowing you at least were who you are to me at this point. idk not even just have peace of mind with it i would still feel gratified that i met you , the impact you've had on me is that strong.

and to be completely completely honest i have not told you i love you or how important you are to me because i don't know how to completely articulate why yet and i do not want to weird you out with this sentiment and i am scared that you would feel like your importance to me is unwarranted somehow. like it's too early to feel that way about someone, or i don't know you well enough to be able to feel that way.

but i am being completely honest when i say i genuinely love you and you have a very unique significance to me, that i have not felt this way towards someone in this way ever, and that is my reality and i honestly want to apologize for it lol. but i made a promise to you to be honest even if it's uncomfortable and you already know i expect the same from you.

all that to say, even if your internal reality precludes you from being loved, or even physically prevents you from being loved somehow, the truth is that you are loved and that is the reality outside of you. it already is reality, in a different form, and even if you internally deny it as real or true, it is truth in me. and so long as i cannot deny your reality you also cannot deny mine. and i won't speak for others even though i know others presently love you as their reality too. and i want to drill that into your head but i also won't because i respect you and your pace

even if you do end up getting to a place where you can fully and completely rid yourself of blame, i would want somehow for your abusers to suffer as you have suffered. but at the same time vengeance doesn't necessarily seem like the answer. for some reason i'm starting to wonder if just letting yourself own whatever has happened to you is, though. i think that it is very possible to take advantage of how you were taken advantage of through fighting for yourself and fighting to be okay. even if that is worlds away, i think that it's possible. idk. i'm very used to having delusions, that i know are delusions, become stronger and more intertwined with my reality the more i ruminate on them. and the thought that it is possible to literally rise up from that kind of thinking(/that kind of experience even if its perpetual) is becoming more real as i think about it more and more. and it feels foreign and daunting and uncomfortable and impossible like it shouldn't feel like a real option. but i can't say i do not feel a fire in my chest. becoming a real human despite what has happened in the past kind of feels like a direct blow to every single abuser. like spitting in their face. like when shirase first stepped off the boat onto the ice and started yelling at everyone who didn't believe in her.

today, i woke up this morning after my two hours of sleep feeling kind of inspired. after we texted i felt even more inspired. and then a few hours later i felt despair again, pure and utter despair. like it's never going to happen. like i will never get better, i will never be okay, and i will always be mourning and hating myself. and for the first time i didn't fight that feeling, i didn't agonize over it or chastise myself for it. i let myself feel those things, and as i was feeling them i started writing this letter. and i feel inspired again. i wonder what it all means, where it can all go

[unmakingandincorporeality]

One of the things that I think really trips people up getting into stuff like witchcraft, or really any way of knowing apart from the western scientific system, is that ways of knowing aren't strictly affirmative—they don't just give you ways to assert things, but also ways to avoid being wrong—and that those ways to avoid being wrong differ from the scientific method in the same way that the affirmative ways of arriving at beliefs differ from it.

Scientism has a really strict and specific set of behaviors that are meant to help you arrive at a way of not-believing-something. They're materialist, they have nothing to do with who you are as a person. It's just process. But scientism also holds a core value of pursuing comprehensive understanding: you should try to know everything, and must simply sometimes fail to meet the criteria for belief.

People coming from that implicit orientation then often approach a way of knowing that doesn't have a rigorous approach to falsifying particular claims, and come to one of two conclusions: A. That this system permits you to believe whatever you want, and is therefore worthless, or B. That anything they come up with is justified by that system, which is comprehensively empowering.

Scenario A is annoying but not particularly consequential, it's scenario B that leads a lot of people into trouble.

Take, for example, the notion of divinity: finding the divine within oneself, or seeking it outside of oneself. Any person pursuing that line of exploration might find something, and, quite appropriately leaving behind the inapplicable framework of scientific falsification, come to the conclusion that that person is God, or that they have met, communed with, and know the mind of a god or gods. This has harmful consequences for the individual and others around them ranging from condescension to solipsistic megalomania.

What's gone wrong here is that while the modernist perspective typical of scientism is undergirded by an assumption that one can know everything, and should try, most other perspectives start from the opposite assumption: that one mind can't know everything, and that trying is harmful.

Finding divinity within yourself and coming into your innate power is a great thing to do. Assuming you're the only person who's done that, and that the way you got there is the only way to get there, is insane. "I'm a god" is a significantly less megalomaniacal claim when entailed in the further claim "and so is everyone else."

Finding divinity outside yourself is also great: connecting with other powers can be very fruitful and spiritually fulfilling. Assuming you know the metaphysical nature of the experiences you're having, that your comprehension of those experiences is complete, and that your experience of these phenomena is authoritative insight into a universal truth that everyone else just gets wrong, is unjustifiably arrogant. "I know a deity personally, this is her name, and here are the things about her that the myths get wrong" is impossible to justify. "I have had experiences connecting with great power and I could tell you about the form in which that experience came to me" is significantly more hinged.

Metaphysical certainty like this comes from the application of the scientific worldview to unscientific evidence. A strictly scientism approach would have you therefore dismiss all these experiences as meaningless. But embracing multiple ways of knowing doesn't mean applying just some of the standards of one way to another when it's convenient or makes you feel more powerful. Science and spirituality are, for the most part, not interoperable. You can't import meaning from one to the other. What you know in one context, you know in a different way than what you know in the other.

[shallowrambles]

A note on the above mention of ANGELIC STASIS. - Cas and other angels likely remember those long hours of watching, because it is implied that when involved in wars, they REBELLED and were reset. The difficult, sometimes morally repugnant orders naturally led to their repeat rebellions. It's HIGHLY likely that those meaningful bits are angel life ARE the parts that get torn out, leaving only stasis, despair, and powerlessness.

Next:

Angels aren't built for that

DEAN Okay, there we go. [He pats KEVIN on the back.] That's it. That's it. Just breathe. Take it easy. KEVIN holds onto the bag and breathes into it. DEAN Oh, I don't know, man. What can I say? You've been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There's no use asking "why me?"

It's interesting here that Dean is ALSO suffering from hopelessness, meaninglessness, and powerlessness. There's no use contemplating why, he says. Just shut up and do your job. Fall in line. That's the game. That's the rules of the universe. Cas's nihilistic words rattled him to his core.

It's as Bobby said earlier this season:

Bobby Singer : There's something wrong with you, Dean. Dean Winchester : Are you kidding? I'm fine![Scoffs] I actually feel great. The best I've felt in a couple months. Cass? Black goo? I don't even care anymore. And you know what's even better? I don't care that I don't care.

///

Bobby Singer : I've seen a lot of hunters live and die. You're starting to talk like one of the dead ones, Dean. Dean Winchester : No, I'm talking the way a person talks when they've had it, when they can't figure out why they used to think all this mattered. Bobby Singer : Oh, you poor, sorry... You're not a person. Dean Winchester : Thanks. Bobby Singer : Come on, now. You tried to hang it up and be a person with Lisa and Ben. And now here you are with a mean old coot and a van full of guns. That ain't person behavior, son. You're a hunter, meaning you're whatever the job you're doing today. ///

Now back to Dean and Kevin--7x21 continued:

DEAN to KEVIN: 'Cause the angels – they don't care. I think maybe they just don't have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart.

Ow.

//

I think it's important to PAUSE here revisit Dean's early conceptions of angels. For example, in his interactions with Anna. Anna is THE poster child for not integrating her SELF. She completely cuts off her angel side and denies it any semblances of emotions and complexity. It's a bit of a conundrum, because if she felt NOTHING, then she'd never have fallen in the FIRST place! What she's running from is the War Machine, the Family-as-Duty. But she's retooled all of that to simply be about Emotions. Anna fell for humanity in order to feel, but she misunderstood her own nature.

Because why? To recast angels as beings according callously, that they "know not what they do," she can distance it. It's easier than admitting her family's cruelty--so, she reconceptualizes it as lions simply being lions, as angels acting according to their Very Nature. It becomes immutable, like gravity. She passes this on to Dean, he integrates it into his understanding OF angels, but he can't help hoping for more with Cas.

Cas, on the other hand, will consistently struggle with trying to integrate both his humanity and angelic side, and it makes him SO interesting.

ANNA Perfect... Like a marble statue.

//

CASTIEL: I'm sorry. ANNA: No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling. CASTIEL: Still, we have a history. It's just -- ANNA: Orders are orders. I know. Just make it quick.

//

DEAN: You're some heartless sons of bitches, you know that? CASTIEL: As a matter of fact, we are. And?

There was a gender experiment wherein, biochemically, the identified men reacted with equal or more emotion to stimuli than the identified women in the study. But they verbalized it opposite: they REPORTED that they felt less or even...nothing. Biochemically, their bodies betrayed them. That didn't stop them from CLAIMING they felt zilch. From repressing experience. It's about the expectations. And angels have very rigid, soldier-stoic-stiff-upper-lip kinda expectations.

///

Another thing about Dean's mental state: the whiplash of getting attention and losing it.

In season 4, Dean probably couldn't help but secretly preen at being valued by God and the angels, even if that wound up becoming a big disillusionment later. For a brief, shining moment, things were Simple and Dean Winchester was Good. Righteous. Like an angel.

Then, it all went to pot. He found out how terrible and authoritarian tye angels were. They're cold and emotionless.

Later still, he was abandoned by them--in fact, passed over very easily for Adam. The angels stopped caring about his relevance to the Big Fight.

HOWEVER, his family and especially his special friend Cas, seemed to believe in him. They seemed to DEMAND more of him. When Dean actively gave up, Cas fought harder, demanded he care. Likewise, when Cas gave up, Dean got in his car and went to fight, in turn inspiring Cas to care.

The fight, of course, was a miserable failure.

But Cas came back--a miracle! And yet this being who had lavished all that attention on him just seemed to abruptly vanish. Dean wasn't important to anything cosmic in the end, and certainly not to Cas. He wasn't even a friend worthy of visiting. That's devastating.

He erroneously thinks that Cas is going RIGHT BACK TO GOD, that Dean hasn't made a meaningful impact on Cas's life at all. See below:

DEAN and CASTIEL are in the IMPALA, DEAN driving. DEAN: What are you gonna do now? CASTIEL: Return to Heaven, I suppose. DEAN: Heaven?

Dean is legitimately surprised here. He thought Cas would stay. He wanted Cas to stay.

CASTIEL: With Michael in the Cage, I'm sure it's total anarchy up there. DEAN: So, what, you're the new sheriff in town? CASTIEL: I like that. Yeah. I suppose I am. DEAN: Wow. God gives you a brand-new, shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again. CASTIEL: I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just... seems like the right thing to do. DEAN: Well, if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next. CASTIEL: You're angry. DEAN: That's an understatement. CASTIEL: He helped. Maybe even more than we realize. DEAN: That's easy for you to say. He brought you back. But what about Sam? What about me, huh? Where's my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole! CASTIEL: You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? When DEAN looks over, CASTIEL is gone. DEAN: Well, you really suck at goodbyes, you know that?

Thanks to the script, we know he'd have chosen freedom, but he marches unhappily into a false peace--into a Charming Acres that Sam insisted he go to. And the one creature that provide him a semblance of hope and peace? Has flown the coop.

///

Later, Cas remains on his mind. It'sright out of the gate in season 6:

Vision of Azazel: Yeah, kiddo. The big daddy brought your pal Cas back, right? So why not me? Add a little spice to all that -- that sugar.

///

Dean: Well, was it God, or -- or -- or Cas? I mean, does Cas know anything about it?

Wow. Talk about a complicated subconscious!

Then, he finds out, no matter how well-intentioned, that his brother and father figure have been excluding him from THE fight, infantilizing him. His grandfather Samuel seems to favor his brother, the superior hunter.

And his friend Cas is fighting a WAR he says Dean can't be a part of and, as a simple human, has no hope of even understanding. So Dean gets excluded, infantilized again, so he twists and lashes out, doing the same to Sam and Cas in return.

Cas says this:

CASTIEL: Dean and I do share a more profound bond. [ To Dean ] I wasn't gonna mention it.

But then he says this, not two seconds later. It's whiplash, especially after a year of radio silence:

CASTIEL You think I came because you called? I came because of this. [ Walks to table where Dean's research is spread out. ] DEAN Oh, well, it's nice to know what matters. CASTIEL It does help one to focus.

It's wow. It's not just the war that's causing the TENSION. It's the gaping chasm he feels between human and angel this season:

CASTIEL Well, painfully for him. The reading will be excruciating. DEAN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. DEAN You're gonna torture a kid? CASTIEL I can't care about that, Dean! I don't have the luxury. CASTIEL pushes his hand into AARON's chest. AARON screams.

Dean at some point laments that Cas used to be more human, or at least like one. Cas as ANGEL is a primary struggle for Dean, time and again.

///

And Dean is excluded. Certainly not trusted.

The use of "frat buddies" points to Dean's feeling of exclusion from the good ole boy's club:

CASTIEL I thought he died in the war. SAM What, he -- he was a -- he was a friend or something? CASTIEL [ Sighs. ] A good friend. DEAN Yeah, well, your frat buddy is now moonlighting as a crossroads demon. CASTIEL Balthazar. I wonder...

Cas is very abrupt and cagey. He really doesn't want to reveal too much about the war, especially at first. In fact, he tends to NOT come to them until the shit hits the proverbial fan.

DEAN Cas, why didn't you tell us this? CASTIEL I was ashamed. I expected more from my brothers. I'm sorry. Now I need your blood. CASTIEL grabs DEAN's wrist and slices his palm. DEAN Whoa, whoa! Hey! Ahh! Why don't you use your own? CASTIEL It wouldn't work. I'm not human.

It wouldn't work. I'M NOT HUMAN. Ouch. We'll even get variations of this line IN purgatory with, "I don't think it will work for me."

---

Anyway, this is getting meandering cause I keep getting distracted, but back to Cas and Dean in Rufus's cabin. It's complicated. It's not just herp-derp-caricature of domestic abuse, "He-man Dean BAD, sad!Cas GOOD:"

Here's some of the cruel stuff that probably rings in Dean's ears, in addition to PTSD!Cas talking about humans in that distant, "which monkeys we were betting on" kind of way:

CASTIEL You can't, Dean. You're just a man. I'm an angel. CASTIEL I'm sorry, Dean. DEAN I don't know. I've taken some pretty big fish. DEAN Well, I'm sorry, too, then.

///

CASTIEL: What a brave little ant you are. You know you're powerless, you wouldn't dare move against me again. That would be pointless. So I have no need to kill you. Not now. Besides...once you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me.

///

DEAN: Well, figure it out! I'm sorry. This ain't in no book. If you stick your neck out, Cas steps on it. So you know what I'm gonna do? DEAN: He's not a guy. He's God. And he's pissed. And when God gets righteous, you get the hell out of the way; haven't you read the Bible? DEAN: No. You wanna know why? because we never catch a break. So why would we this time? I just.. just this one thing. You know? but I'm not dumb. I'm not going to get my hopes up just to get kicked in the daddy-pills again.

//

CASTIEL: I didn't want to kill you, but now... DEAN: You can't kill us. CASTIEL: You've erased any nostalgia I had for you, Dean.

///

DEATH: Stupid little soldier you are.

This shit hurts. Dean may not even be completely sure that Cas IS sorry in the way that humans are, especially when we recall Anna's: "You're not. Not really."

CASTIEL: No. I feel regret, about you and what I did to Sam. DEAN: Yeah, well, you should. CASTIEL: If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd -- I'd fix him now. I just wanted to make amends before I die. DEAN: Okay. CASTIEL: Is it working? DEAN: Does it make you feel better? CASTIEL: No. You? DEAN: Not a bit.

And yet, Dean's already, frustratingly, IN the process of forgiving him. It's remarkable:

CASTIEL: I'm sorry, Dean. BOBBY: Creaturae terrificae quarum ungulae et dentes nunquam tetigerunt carnem eius ad mundum nostrum nunc ianua magna, aperta tandem! DEAN: Cas?

///

CASTIEL: I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you. DEAN: All right, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let's get you out of here. Come on.

There's so much more to this Sorry! scene that appears. It's not just about betrayal and anger. It's all of it together.

In summation.

It's not simply that Cas worked with Crowley. It's that the plan was nuclear war at Cas's own reckless expense. I mean, it IS all of the things that have been discussed to death in fandom, but it's also MORE than that.

It's the time-honored, populist mistake (in Supernatural-world) of "I, and I alone can fix it."

And while Cas did seize power and appear to "target the right enemies" like the KKK and white supremacists, Death was right. Eventually it devolved to pettiness like smiting hypocrites and politicians, punishments that CERTAINLY did not fit the crimes. Because absolute power corrupts, eventually. That's rather the point. It's such a messy, messy thing.

*Sam voice: "Maybe we're supposed to struggle with this"

Shabby studies in meaning making

Some disturbing revisitations to PTSD!Cas

7x21

CASTIEL Yes. Of course. Oh. Outside today, in the garden, I followed a honeybee. I saw the route of flowers. It's all right there, the whole plan. There's nothing to add.

This means, the plan is complete. We shouldn't add anything to it. Certainly not free will.

///

CASTIEL Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful.

Not much here, except he likes Meg.

///

CASTIEL Yes. I heard a ping that pierced me, and, well, you wouldn't have heard it unless you were an angel at the time.

CASTIEL Oh. Of course. Now I understand.

CASTIEL You were the ones. Well... I guess that makes sense.

CASTIEL If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two. Oh, I love you guys.

CASTIEL pulls DEAN and SAM into a hug.

Some contradictory relief here; the relief that Sam and Dean are bringing meaning to chaos.

///

CASTIEL Did you know that a cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft? I know for a fact the females were not consulted about that.

Sex. Cas is mentioning it A LOT. Like he's trying to distance himself from it in a clinical, "watcher" kind of way. Probably he can't understand why he wants it, what possible connection if could offer. Perhaps he's disgusted with himself. He'll revisit it often: repetition, sex and wars. Bees like flowers because they feed on their nectar and pollen, and they facilitate sex between flowers.

///

CASTIEL This is the handwriting of Metatron.

CASTIEL Uh... "Tree”? [He looks at SAM and DEAN.] "Horse"? "Fiddler crab"? I can't read it. It wasn't meant for angels.

Wryness. Also re: above and Word freed from the vault; angels aren't meant to make meaning.

///

CASTIEL Don't like conflict.

CASTIEL disappears and the stone tablet drops to the floor, breaking into three pieces.

Dismissive avoidant in full swing. No emotions, no participation, no war-making. He breaks everything he touches. NOTE: The angel tablet breaks into THREE pieces, representing Sam, Dean AND Cas.

///

DEAN walks over to stand in front of CASTIEL.

DEAN You realize you just broke God's Word?

CASTIEL looks away and DEAN sits down at the table opposite him.

WOW. And it broke into THREE pieces! Cas is ever the glue, an essential component of free will.

///

DEAN It's Sam's thing, isn't it? You taking on his, uh, cage-match scars. I'm guessing that's what broke your bank, right?

CASTIEL Well, it took... everything to get me here.

DEAN What are you talking about, man?

This is VERY mysterious. Makes you think maybe there's more to Daphne, or more to Naomi journeying to Purgatory to get Cas back. That Cas is more important than he realizes?

///

CASTIEL Dean, I know you want different answers.

DEAN No, I want you to button up your coat and help us take down Leviathans. Do you remember what you did?

CASTIEL holds up the board game “Sorry!” He shakes it once and the board and pieces appear on the table, set up ready to play. CASTIEL sets the box aside.

CASTIEL Do you want to go first?

They're venting their frustration at each other through talking about other things and being indirect. I think of the conversation about Adam & Michael from Season 15. They're both symbolically irritated with one another. Dean is seriously wounded: Bobby is dead, he almost lost Sam, and then he got Cas back and promptly lost him again right away. For a guy carrying around another guy's coat, Dean's definitely at sea. Cas is essentially saying in code: YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME FIRST.

///

DEAN picks up a “Sorry!” card.

Dean's playing! Visually, he's sorry. We know he is because of how we saw him sing along to "I'm All Out of Love" by Air Supply. We saw the conversations between Bobby and Sam. We saw the coat Dean carried around. But Dean doesn't get his meaning across. He's too hurt.

///

CASTIEL You know, we weren't sure at first which monkeys were gonna make it. No offense, but I [DEAN moves a marker on the board] was backing the Neanderthals because their poetry was... just amazing. It's in perfect tune [CASTIEL picks up a card] with the spheres. But in the end, it was you – the [CASTIEL moves a marker] homo sapiens sapiens. You guys ate the apple, invented pants.

Cas is distancing himself from humanity, putting Dean under a microscope and moving as FAR from him as possible. We're not alike, angels and humans. I'm above you, away from you. It's a callback to all of Uriel's insults, it's a callback to "You're just a man."

///

DEAN Cas, where can we find this, uh, Metatron? Is he still alive?

CASTIEL I'm sorry. I – I think you have to go back to start.

DEAN moves a marker.

DEAN This is important.

CASTIEL motions for DEAN to pick up another card. DEAN does and moves another marker.

DEAN I think Metatron could stop a lot of bad. You understand that?

CASTIEL picks up another card.

CASTIEL We live in a "sorry" universe. It's engineered to create conflict. I mean, why should I prosper from... your misfortune? [CASTIEL puts down a marker and moves DEAN’s marker back to the start.] But these are the rules. I didn't make them.

Cas is giving into nihilism. Nothing matters. The universe just sucks and is neverending conflict. Angels are angels and humans are humans. Human suffer and angels hoard their souls as winter-food in Heaven, perhaps. They are fundamentally incompatible. I didn't make the rules, Dean. The universe is harsh and unforgiving.

///

DEAN You made some of them. When you tried to become God, when you cut that hole into that wall.

CASTIEL Dean... it's your move.

///

Cas ignores his role in any of it. Cas has completely withdrawn from life. From this entire game.

///

DEAN pounds a fist on the table and swipes the board to the floor.

DEAN Forget the damn game! Forget the game, Cas.

Dean hates the game, obviously. Chuck's stupid, stupid game. He wants to tear up the rulebook, still--bot follow the honeybee into the garden and consider it complete and unworthy of rewriting. Dean still wants to rewrite the rules OF the game.

///

CASTIEL I'm sorry, Dean.

DEAN No. You're playing "Sorry!"

And he is. Cas is shunting all the responsibility to the nihilism and coldness of the universe, seeing himself as a cog prospering from the misfortune of others. He denigrates humanity as nothing more than sets of monkeys that angels were "backing or not backing," like a GAME. That chasm between angel and human seems is wide and uncrossable.

Dean hates the inescapable game.

///

CASTIEL is picking up the game pieces. He stops and looks up.

DEAN What?

Cas resolves to KEEP PLAYING THE GAME, just as he does later in Golden Times.

15x06 >>> MELLY: Thing is, taking yourself out of the game doesn't really change the game CASTIEL: Yeah. If I stay, nothing changes. It's time for me to get back in the game.

[sunnomnoms]

Can i request up for a Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von Karma with a younger sibling!reader who's also clever as them however reader doesn't use their 100% braincells most of the time unless it's necessary?

If that's a bit difficult to write for, it's alright! You can do just a Younger Sibling!Reader general headcanons if you like

Oooooo I love writing silly little guys don’t you even worry. I may have self projected a tad bit on the reader because <3 me too <3 also I hope I interpreted this right? sorry if not! I focused a lot on how this affects sorta your relationship with them, so sorry if it’s short </3

Warning: slight angst, mentions of family tension, etc etc.

-

Considering you aren’t always on your A-game, people like to chat about and talk about you due to your well renowned family- and they don’t always say the nicest of things, unfortunately.

Miles, at all points in time, looks to defend you against peoples (very incorrect) idea that you got the short end of the stick when it comes to cleverness. In his own words, “You aren’t stupid, you’re just too intelligent to waste intellectual energy on any and all meaningless meandering.” It’s his nice way of referring to you as low-energy.

Franziska is a special sort. She will always look to challenge you and your deductions on any sort of case, looking to exploit your low energy to prove a point. While she doesn’t do it out of true malice, it can sometimes feel kinda bad too. Franziska considers herself cut from a very different cloth- she herself is unable to pick her battles, and instead feels she must pick them all. It doesn’t always work out for her in the long run.

That being said, it must be noted that Franziska doesn’t dislike you in any sort of way- quite the opposite. She has a bit of tunnel vision on how people should be in a court of law, and she worries others will exploit your low energy like she does in your meaningless little squabbling back at forth. In a way, it’s her way of challenging you to try and teach you. Unlike Miles, I don’t she quite understands that you’re picking your battles on purpose to conserve energy. She’s being supportive in the way she knows how, but it doesn’t always land. It can just feel like a mean big sister taking jabs at you sometimes, and it doesn’t even always help “improve” your critical thinking or anything- sometimes it just wounds your ego.

Miles, while worrying for you, always has faith in your ability. during the trials you were his aid in court, he willingly swats away the defenses attempts at dissecting your every word to catch you in an inconsistency so that you can focus and get to the major point. Miles always has faith due to what he calls your “gotcha” moment- the final and usually fatal blow you make to a defense’s argument that is iron clad. Miles revels in the discomfort of the defense and the court as they are completely unable to argue against your final claims, as he feels it must be something that heals your spirit after what the ignorant public say about you. He’s fine with taking the risk of you leading yourself to your main point- he’s taken much worse risks than letting you build your case as you speak. He even finds it a little fun- it’s suspenseful watching you go from the seemingly ditzy court aid to a big dog in the ring as the trial goes on.

Franziska on the other hand doesn’t quite like to risk it. She’s a very “I don’t need help, I never need help” type, so she doesn’t usually have an aid in court anyway. But in the rare cases that she takes your help, she still expects to do most of the “heavy lifting” per se. It isn’t that she doesn’t trust you, it’s that she absolutely does not trust the defense to not exploit you into accidentally destroying the case you and her spent so long working on. Franziska doesn’t like to take risks, it stresses her out. she worries about you possibly never reaching a final major conclusion in court and accidentally making a fool of yourself.

While Miles heavily believes in your ability and treats you as an equal to him, You’re still the baby sibling in Franziska‘a heart- and her need to be overprotective of you never quite faded away. It causes family tension, most certainly, but things are always tense around here it feels like…

At the end of the day, Miles is a more understanding figure, as he has a bit of a need for understand things from the inside out before making his mind about them emotionally. Despite his cold nature, Miles understands your low energy and even has a limit of his own when it comes to energy towards certain scenarios. He understands you aren’t a candle that can be lit at both ends without major consequences, and he doesn’t see the issue with that. Despite it all, he’s aware you know what’s best for yourself- and knows that you wouldn’t allow yourself or anyone to be caught up in a situation that can be easily dismantled so long as you put your energy towards it. He will always be in your corner, and will always be ready to scold the cruel press for their awful interpretation of you.

Franziska is a more complicated sort, with a need for guaranteed consistency and absolutely no room for doubt. Franziska worries more than she’ll ever let in, she’s nearly riddled with anxiety if things aren’t in their perfect place- which is why she finds your demeanor so stress-inducing as she worries she can never properly count on it catching you or her if either of you tumble in court. It isn’t healthy, and she absolutely should believe in you more, but the anxiety eats her up inside. Even when she needs you most and you’re able to keep her case grounded in court when she can’t, the crippling anxiety she feels causes her to unfortunately be dismissive of it- which is absolutely painful. She doesn’t give your grand showings of your intellect the credit they deserve when she absolutely should, still too worried about the mistakes you may make rather than the victories. She couldn’t handle the possibility of you getting hurt to a point you give up your aspirations within the court of law due to a simple mistake in your judgement. so she looks to shield you at any point in time- despite it ultimately causing a rift and a feeling that she thinks you’re unable to handle yourself.

Ultimately speaking, Franziska needs therapy- and needs to take a page out of your book. She has this idea she needs to create and be perfection, but it isn’t humanly possible, and shouldn’t be expected of her or you. She’s due for some development, and due to give you an apology for how she’s treated you due to her own anxiety. She’s been burning the candle at both ends herself, always putting 110% she didn’t have into all she does. Franziska loves you, but her skewed view on how things should be are what cause her hurtful behaviors towards you. she doesn’t want to hurt you, she aches at the idea- she just is hard on you as others were on her because she doesn’t want you hurting like she did growing up. Be patient, she’ll soon come to realize you don’t need to be “fixed” and that you’re doing what’s best for you. expect a lot of tears when she does.

Miles isn’t perfect either by any means, but in terms of conserving energy he can relate to your antics. He’s always been the lower energy type, mainly because he doesn’t like to overexert himself (it’s a fate worse than death in his opinion, he HATES being unable to compete a task due to lack of energy). Chances are you likely inherited it from him unknowingly, simply following the mannerisms of your big brother. Miles often tells you to not fret on Franziska’s criticism on you, as it’s criticism she’s given him too. He’s always looking to be a supportive figure for you, as he shares that same need to protect you like Franziska- especially after all that he’s lost. He’s not looking to lose you either.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Hey, you once mentioned something about Tom Riddle being a little suicidal. Your new post reminded of that and I wonder why you think that. It’s the complete opposite of what the books want you to think.

Alright, it’s time, let’s do this.

My standard disclaimer whenever we venture into the dark pit that is my thoughts on Tom Riddle: I’m going to say a lot of controversial stuff that fandom generally doesn’t agree with, I will say so much of this shit that I simply do not have time to explain it all, I expect 99% of you to disagree with me and the other 1% to be so horrifyingly offended that I dare to contemplate a world in which Tom isn’t always an overly competent psychopath that they leave me notes telling me to take this trash out of their character tags.

We good? Alright.

So, when I say a little suicidal, I mean that he is suicidal.

Not on the level that he’s going to kill himself tomorrow, or even has plans to kill himself, but in that he makes very strange decisions for someone who desperately wants to live.

And yes, I realize I speak blasphemy given that Tom Riddle’s entire m.o. is supposed to be his crippling fear of death.

Oh man, this one’s going to be so long.

So, my reasoning comes down to a few things:

The location of the horcruxes and the nature of their protections.

The events of Deathly Hallows and Tom’s final actions in the novel

The nature of horcruxes and what it means to not only be able to create one but what it does to you (caveat that I am going to headcanon hard here and speak utter blasphemy)

So, let’s start in order this time, because I think the first two are actually far easier for me to explain.

The Location and Nature of the Horcrux Protections and the Trouble with Backdoors in Security

So, first, the horcruxes are all conveniently located in Great Britain. Not even just in Great Britain, all in places that Albus Dumbledore and later Harry Potter can track down with relative ease, all fairly close to each other.

Now, part of this is undoubtedly attributable to Tom’s overly romantic nature. 

Yes, Tom Riddle is a giant romantic, though not necessarily in the traditional sense everyone thinks of. The film “Patton” and its treatment of Patton comes to mind. Tom Riddle is a man enamored by a sense of greatness, of being remembered in this world rather than fading into oblivion, by the significance of places and times in history not only of the world but of himself. He creates an entire, grand, persona for himself because to live an ordinary life for him is to be worthy of nothing.

So, given that, of course Tom places the horcruxes in sentimental locations that have personal meaning to him.

However, it also makes them perilously easy to find and collect.

By itself, this wouldn’t spark my notice.

The ability to destroy horcruxes are not easy to come by. There’s only one basilisk and it’s by chance/Lucius fucking up that Harry gains access to the necessary basilisk venom. Using Fyendfire is an incredibly dangerous thing to do and just as likely to blow up you and the next three towns over as it is to destroy a horcrux. And if there are other means of destroying a horcrux they’re just as hard to come by or just as dangerous.

It’s not quite throwing it into the fires of Mt. Doom from which it was forged but it’s pretty damn close.

So, really, without JKR’s convenient Deus Ex Machina giving both him and Dumbledore the means to actually destroy these things, Tom Riddle’s horcruxes are pretty damn safe no matter where we put them. As we see from the locket, which Regulus manages to collect but Kreacher cannot destroy even after several decades.

However, what does spark my notice, is that the horcruxes can be collected by someone other than Tom Riddle when it appears as if they were never intended to be. What do I mean by this?

From what we see, there’s no benefit to Tom if the original horcruxes are found by anyone. He doesn’t seek them out to restore his original body, they’re just anchor points that should be hidden at all costs. So, he’ll never need a Death Eater to go collect them for him should he be indisposed (indeed, to do so would require a tremendous amount of trust in people he has very little trust in). 

So, why hide them in such a way that others can access them? There are canon based options which would have prevented anyone else from reaching them. Given the existence of age lines, I imagine Tom Riddle could make some arbitrary barrier keyed only to himself. There are mokeskin pouches, such as the one Harry is given in the seventh book, which we know can only be accessed by whoever they’re keyed to. There’s the Fidelius Charm which, true requires a secret keeper which Tom would be very meh on, but options exist.

Tom Riddle could wipe the locations of his horcruxes off the face of the map. He chooses not to. Which leads me to believe that, at least on some unconscious level, he wants the horcruxes to be found.

Then we have the protections.

Specifically, I’m thinking of the locket here.

Yes, the protections are very formidable, but they’re also goddamn weird. 

Rather than make the horcrux simply inaccessible, kill all those intruding, instead the intruder has to go through a very “Saw” like puzzle in which they drown themselves in despair until they finally get the locket, at which point they likely suicide by zombie.

More, there’s no hint that there’s any other way to retrieve the locket. 

Backdoors in security are a very bad idea. What they do is weaken the security as a whole and, if you can take a short cut is, it means that someone who is clever enough and motivated enough can to. Dumbledore is both clever and motivated enough, and I imagine if there was a way to get the horcrux that involved not doing this ridiculous task he would have done it.

More, we’d be back to the land of Tom making sure only he can access the horcrux by requiring a password, keying it to his magical signature, or something so that no one else could get it.

Which means, that’s right, if Tom wants to get the locket he’s drinking the goddamn despair juice just like the rest of us.

What kind of a person would do any of this?

I’ve gone over this before, but I don’t think Tom Riddle’s crazy. Rather, in this case, I think he’s driven by an unbelievable amount of nihilist rage and is also quite depressed.

Tom goes to collect his horcrux, “Ah, it’s time to remember what a miserable life I’ve led and the sheer awfulness of my own existence. Good, I was starting to feel a little too happy. Let’s see if I get eaten by my undead, vengeful, victims today.” 

The Events of Deathly Hallows and Tom Riddle’s Death

I think Tom Riddle’s final death in the books was suicide.

Tom takes over the Wizarding World, finally, and it’s as miserable as ever.

He’s trapped in this sham, barely functional, probably very painful body. His Death Eaters are completely out of control and for all that he wanted society to burn it’s now burning and no one’s even learned anything from this. Children in Hogwarts are being routinely tortured and have now staged a rebellion in which he’s having to slaughter them (I have reasons to believe that this is not what Tom Riddle wanted, at all, but that’s best saved for another post), and then he learns his horcruxes have all been destroyed without him even noticing.

There’s so little left of him, he has accomplished nothing, and there’s Harry Potter back from the dead yet again, gloating at him that love conquers all and Tom Riddle will never understand.

And Harry’s right, Tom Riddle will never understand, the world is meaningless and flat to him now and he finally understand that there’s no point to it. I think Tom Riddle decides he’s done. He’s just done.

He enters in a duel with Harry Potter knowing the weird nature of their wands. Now, it can be assumed he used the Elder Wand, but we know they get locked in Priori Incatatum , and that makes no damn sense with the Elder Wand (well, wandlore in general is silly, but I’m working with what JKR gave me here). So I choose to take JKR at her somewhat established canon and say that, no matter what Harry thought, Voldemort was using his original wand.

He throws out the killing curse, despite having now witnessed Harry resurrecting twice to this thing, and within two seconds it rebounds and kills him.

Voldemort’s death is a lot like this scene from the recent, terrible, 2020 live action Mulan (10/10 do not recommend).  Now, we’re supposed to think that this scene is the witch saving Mulan’s life and thus showing her hope for the next generation. In actuality, the witch literally flies into an arrow she could have easily deflected from Mulan’s path. It’s a suicide that Mulan is too stupid to notice.

Tom chooses suicide in the most ridiculous, flamboyant, and easily written off manner one can and no one even notices. Instead Harry crows that he has personally defeated Voldemort, with the power of love no less, HUZZAH!

And the castle parties.

The Nature of Horcruxes

I almost don’t want to include this because it’s so... well, I’m really drifting far from canon and fandom now.

However, with horcruxes, there’s always an overriding question of why Tom is able to make so many when we don’t see anyone else with these things around (especially as it’s clear that murder doesn’t simply happen for those that now have horcruxes).

Usually, you have fic authors just sort of shrug and go, “Well, he’s that evil, I guess.” Sometimes you have them go, “No one else is crazy enough to keep going, and that’s why Voldemort’s cuckoo bananas.” 

One very good explanation I’ve seen is that it’s because most people, when they murder, feel remorse immediately. The soul split happens, but they’re haunted by the murder for the rest of their life, and thus the horcrux isn’t made. Voldemort, feeling nothing when he kills anyone, is thus able to make them even for when he’s only indirectly associated with the death in question.

However, to me that never really jived philosophically.

Mostly, I simply cannot imagine that tearing apart your very soul is an act of indifference. Here’s how I see it: to do something like that to yourself, you must care, you must care beyond all imagine and human endurance. Your soul literally cannot abide it and saws itself in half, purging what you cannot stand about yourself the most. 

The remorse part is, yes, remorse for the act and the victim but more to the point it is the ability to forgive and reaccept the worst part of yourself. That part of yourself that you purged and destroyed, which is nearly impossible to do and might very well destroy the fabric of who you are). 

In other words, while creating a horcrux is an abominable act of hatred, it is also one of profound self-hatred.

Tom Riddle loathes himself so much that he is able to do this over and over and over again. 

As Tom Riddle goes on he makes himself into less and less and less of himself until he probably doesn’t even know who he is anymore. He just knows, whatever is left of him, he loathes that too. 

And then, of course, he gives up, runs into the nearest flying arrow, and dies.

TL;DR: Tom Riddle’s is a miserable existence that ended in a miserable if unintentionally hilarious manner

[osakunt]

Song summary - make the years last longer. The months to have 30 more days. A pill to forget might help. Without you I’ve become the class clown. I lie when I say I hate you. I, who was a winner in love - you’ve completely checkmated me. I told the heart to forget you but he ruthlessly told me to shut up. I thought I was a tightrope walker, balancing on a thin rope but I have to admit that I fell due to my arrogance.

Hilito = thin thread or as he uses it in the lyrics. A rope. A thin rope.

☢︎ Draken x gn!reader [timeskip]

☢︎ Angst

Things were said while others were left unsaid. You thought it was best to leave instead of being in a loveless relationship where the opposite party couldn’t find a way to love you instead of someone else. The grudge towards him was there. You couldn’t doubt that the way he led you on, hurt you.

On the other side of the venue was where he was. Next to someone else. A blonde to be exact. The way his arm wrapped around her waist, bringing her closer to his form made you feel so unappreciated knowing that he never did that with you. The way he acted towards her and the aura he had while with her was different. It seemed brighter. More genuine and carefree while with you it felt forced and the distance of cold air between you made you feel colder when you two were together.

The break up wasn’t the best. Your boiling rage had finally boiled over. The pot of everything tiling over and spilt the hot water on him one afternoon. “Why is it that I get a feeling that you don’t want to be here ?” Your words came from no where other than the deep insides of your insecurities of the so called relationship. That morning you had gone out. Alone to say the least. You asked him if he wanted to join you and he said no, not even batting an eye up at you or even letting you finish. An automatic ‘No’ came out of him as he tied up his black hair.

It had been like this for two months now. Probably it had been this way the whole time and you were just now realizing it. “What are you talking about ? I’m here aren’t I ?!” His voice raised - he deiced to look your way for the first time that day.

“I don’t know…..it feels cold even when you’re here. We don’t do couple things and for sure don’t communicate like we used to when you were courting me.” You look down wanting to not see his expressions as you said your words.

“You complain about everything, don’t you ? I worked hard today. Oh yea look at this, Ken ! Can you come help me with this, Kenny. I don’t feel like going out today, I’m tired.” He mocks you with some passed conversations you had,had. Your eyes squint not wanting to tear up at the way he came at you.

“I tell you those things to try and start a conversation with you !! Do you not understand how hard it is for me to talk to you when you ignore me 80% of the time !! Some of those things aren’t even complaints. It’s the truth ! I work my ass off and sometimes want to stay home and get all the rest I can to go back and work my ass off again ! How is me asking you for help a complaint, huh ?? Sorry for needing you !” Your voice raised to the same level he had talked to you. Maybe even raised a little higher.

The arrogance was eating up at Draken. He never truly did want to be with you. You were a ‘back up’ incase Emma moved on. And she did which made him make a move on you. Now here they were. Together acting like the ruling couple in you eyes.

“You don’t need me all the time (y/n) !!”

“Yes the fuck I do !! You’ve never given me a hug. You kiss me with no meaning and don’t even make the effort to do an activity with me ! I don’t even want to bring sex into this because it also feels meaningless”

“Probably because I don’t love you”

The words dig at you. They burn into your skin. They inscribe themselves into you head. They sting your heart. Nonetheless don’t want him to see you break down even more.

You nod your head. “Yea I know. It’s her. It will always be her. Who else can it be ?” you smile through your pain, dabbing at the tears circling your under eyes. “It’s fine, really. You should’ve told me from the start. We could have stayed as simple hookups when we needed it - instead of you sweet talking me.”

The balance you once had completed gone. The love slipping through you fingers like water was something you should have seen coming, yet refused to do so. Draken heard your nose sniffle. He didn’t expect you to react this way. To him the arrogance of having that ‘plan’ of him leaving you and going to Emma shattered when he saw you pack up and leave. The last words coming from you, making him wind up in a state of shock.

“I hate you” You didn’t mean it. He’d never know that though

You had given him everything. Your freedom to mingle around with anyone you chose. You gave him a life full of light. You gave him someone who put herself down for anyone she cared for and yet he chose to stick to his plan.

He spots you from across the venue. A glass of white wine in your hand. Lips curved into a perfect smile and your stance full of pride and confidence as you spoke to the other guests. Hakkai’s debut party. That’s where he finally saw you after two years.

That afternoon you left. You left with everything. He thought he still had his arrogance - His happiness. If you left that meant he’d be happy. A week passed and you didn’t come back. Four month passed and you didn’t even call. A year passed and he never - ever found you on his way home or at a mutual friends house. Not even at a get together.

He sat down in the middle of his bed one night. Spaced out thinking about the times you’d try to talk to him about your day or asked him about his. Times when you’d drag him out the house because you wanted him to join you while he simply didn’t want to be seen with you.

“You hate them, Kenny. You wanted them to leave, didn’t you ? Well you got it now. Now stop thinking about (y/n)” he talked to himself. Gave himself pep talks anytime he found himself thinking about you. He stopped believing that he hated you. At this point he was lying to himself. His plan going through as he had planned it. He got with Emma. He got rid of you. He got rid of the tired feeling he felt with you. What he didn’t get rid of was the growing yearning of wanting you in his arms. Wanting you to be with him. Simply being by your side.

Now seeing you after so long and making eye contact with you, it breaks him. He’s now hanging from the thinnest of ropes. Swinging from it - not wanting to let go. Not wanting to let go of the reoccurring memories. Not wanting to let go of you. 

As the way he treated you. You do the same. Not for grudge but because you thought that’s what he probably would want if you two ever saw one another again. All you do is bow your head to greet him and turn around showing the other guests once again your smile.

[recklessmark]

PLEASE PLEASE WRITE A CHEATING ANGST WHERE MARK IS BEING SUCH A JERK ABT IT EVEN THO Y/N CATCHES HIM CHEATING ON HER AND ALSO MAKE THE PERSON MARK IS CHEATING WITH MEAN TOO, those stories are really the best kind of angst - anon ❤️

words count: 1.2k

warnings: angst, cheating

a/n: i have no mood for angst now i’m so sorry. this is not very miserable at all since i refused to let y/n cry pathetically in front of douchebag mark 😡 but hopefully you’ll like it.

you take a sip of your chardonnay, the other hand is still busy scrolling on your phone. your face puts on the best do-not-talk-to-me look while your fingers typing on the screen with a fast speed.

y/n: where are yo-

no, you delete the sentence.

y/n: can you pick me up after work?

delivered.

your fingers idly tap on the bar counter, flashing the bartender an encouraging smile as if you’re not currently having murder on your mind. after about less than 5 minutes, your phone buzzes on the marble surface and you take it in your hands again.

mark: i’m having meeting, i’ll probably stay over at my office either.

your lips curl into a crooked smile. executioner style.

y/n: you better sleep with one eye open tonight.

y/n:

you bite your bottom lip, trying to keep your composure and delete the yet-to-be-sent message. all you’re seeing is red now. mark lee, your lovely boyfriend has the audacity to tell you he’s having a meeting. a two people meeting, one man one woman, in a hotel. little does the two-timing, cheap-lying wannabe know that you’re sitting at the bar of the hotel he takes his side chick in. and you have to clarify that either you and your friends have caught him hang out with other women multiple times but you, a faithful girlfriend, brainlessly believe in him and maybe he will change. the only thing has changed ever since is his loyalty to you, wondrously decreases.

you leave a tip under your glass and jump of the stool. you turn at the corner, walking inside the hotel building. unfortunate for mark is that you have some work here, otherwise you couldn’t catch the sight he wrapped his arm around a girl and walked into the hotel. but work can be done later.

“good evening, how can i help you?” the receptionist greets you politely and you give her a smile. “y/f/n y/l/n, i have a business meeting with mr grey.”

the woman nods and types something on the laptop while you rake your eyes around the building. “floor 8, room 805, ms y/l/n.”

you smile in acknowledgment and turn around to walk away. “oh,” you put on a fake gape and glare back and the receptionist, “may i ask where’s mr lee’s room, i have to take something from him. mark lee please.”

she looks confused but obliges your command anyway. “floor 8, room 802.” you give her a “thank you” and stroll toward the elevator. god must be unpleasant with mark so that his room is on the same floor with yours. you take your phone out and decide to reply the previous message of him.

y/n: i have a meeting at imperial building either, we can go home together.

delivered.

adrenaline and rage rushing inside your veins as the monitor screen displays the red number 8. you take your steps slowly, the sound of your heels clicking against the floor reverberates around the empty floor.

801-805

seeing the gold banner on the wall, you turn at the corner. your head dizzy as you think about what’s happening inside the 802 room. standing in front of the wide wooden door, you decisively press your finger on the doorbell. just once and patiently wait for someone to open the door. although every room is soundproof but you can hear a small voice from the inside after about two minutes, you’re not complaining though, you have big heart for patience.

a ‘genuine’ smile plasters on your face as the door flings opened, revealing a woman- your coworker surprisingly and she only has a towel wrapped around her body. “hi,” you say and walk inside before she could process anything that’s going on. “where’s mark? mark lee.” you ask and opposite of your nonchalance, she makes a quite smart decision to throw a tantrum.

“what the hell y/n?! if you know he doesn’t even like you anymore why are you here? he will never go home so don’t cry and beg for it!”

“where’s ma-“ you calmly repeat yourself and suddenly you see your boyfriend gets out of the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around his hips either. his toned chest and abs look nice but they’ll be better if there’s some bullets shot through. “oh mister executioner, i was wondering where you are.”

mark gapes as he sees you, apparently hasn’t read your new message. he heard haven - his side chick was yelling and he was curious what she’s so frantic about. and now he understands.

you sit down at the cafe table and cross your legs. “you may speak now.” you flash him a reluctant smile.

“speak what? he has nothing to explain-“

“look,” mark cuts haven off and starts his meaningless explanation, “i don’t love you anymore, you’re always busy and your spare time is for work either!”

“my spare time is for work?!” you exclaim, “you are the one who fucking cancel all our dates and hangs out with your side chicks! you think i’m stupid that i’m totally clueless about what you do behind my back?” your voice is shaky yet you try to keep it as steady as possible. you’re not going to cry in front of him and his bitch.

“you call who’s a side chick?” haven yells, pointing her finger at you and you dart your eyes at her, “i’m not talking to you, don’t let me lose the tiny respect i’m still having for you. we’re both women and we work together, i don’t want to be rude.”

“you’re fucking fake as hell-“

“shut up,” mark shouts, making the woman shut her mouth and then turns back to you. “don’t act like you’re not flirting with other men at work, you’re a whore!” he says loudly and you’re practically speechless.

mark calls you a whore.

“since when i flirt with men?” you ask in a calm, quiet tone. you have completely no idea what he’s talking about because you’re certain that you only keep a professional and friendly relationship with any man you know except of mark.

“haven sent me a lot of photos of you and other guys,” he remarks and now you understand, your eyes give your shameless coworker a death stare as she’s avoiding your gaze. “who has the interest in this affair first?”

“me,” mark responds. now he knows how to he honest. “i like her first.”

you let out a chuckle unexpectedly, “so you like hannah, sophia, iris and my best friend as well?” it’s unbelievable that you still have faith in this man even though he hit on your best friend once and she’s already warned you about it.

as mark can’t say anything to defend himself, you stand up, “i’ll pack up your things and send it to your address. don’t ever walk into my place again.” you give him the last peck on his thin lips and walk away but not before giving your coworker a reminder.

“you’ve heard what i said, i hope you’re not the one who chooses to be stupid now.”

slamming the door close, you let out a heavy breath, feeling you’re about to stumble on your weak knees. you love mark so much that it blinds you, no matter how many times you saw him with other women, you still pretended to be clueless. you keep him beside you since you think that he will change but it’s just your one-way deduction which unfortunately could not be true. you hold back the tears in your watering eyes, you will cry when you’re home, not before you get your work done.

[tetrakys]

So... about Elriel and Elucien...

I have finally read everything ACOTAR, including the two excerpts at the end of ACOSF, so I can give my final opinion about this ambiguous situation.

Let me first point out that I really don’t care about Elain and who she ends up with, I’m primarily a Faysand shipper, so my opinion in this matter is objective because I’m not invested, I only care about the characters’ wellbeing which fortunately is something SJM gives us anyway.

My opinion is that this ambiguous situation, is not ambiguous at all. Elucien and Gwynriel are endgame, and here is why.

(And fyi I’m nobody. Just a reader who likes to dissect and analyse plotlines and characters of the media she consumes. 9 times out of 10 I get it right.)

Every writer has a certain style, a bunch of tropes and preferences that are recurrent in their writing and create their own personal trademark. That’s why as readers we are fans of specific authors and tend to read most of what they write, their telltale signs can be found in other stories, other flavours but they are still there. Now, SJM has her own way to write romance and her couples always follow this format:

1) The couple that is ultimately going to end up together starts from a position of opposition and contrast. They initially can’t stand each other, they lie to themselves thinking they want nothing to do with the other person.

2) They ALWAYS start from a position of cowardice and false comfort, and their journey is to open their eyes, understand that the way they are living is wrong, and accept that part of themselves that pushes them toward the other person.

Let’s look at the two canon couples this series:

Feysand: Feyre and Rhys start seemingly as enemies. We then learn that it’s all bullshit, but what is Feyre’s psychological state at the beginning of ACOMAF? She is in a BAD relationship, but she can’t find the strength and the guts to get herself out of that situation. It takes a while for her to open her eyes and see that what she needs is elsewhere. Similarly, when Rhys just got free of 50 years of mental and physical subjugation, the first thing that happens to him is to find out that he is tied to someone else. Someone who isn’t even available. His first instinct is to run. Once they finally admit what they feel for each other, they also embrace a part of themselves they were ignoring or rejecting. We have read 1000 times how Feyre used to draw stars and night skies her whole life before finding herself at peace in the Night Court. And Rhys was so traumatised by all he had been through that loving Feyre forces him to come to terms with it and understand that he is worthy of being loved despite Amarantha.

Nessian: At the beginning of her journey Nesta is a whole train wreak. She hates herself and her only way to get by, the coward comfortable way, is drunkenness and meaningless sex with strangers. Cassian is actually the most grounded character of this whole saga imo, he had already been through his personal journey but he was also scared shitless of Nesta and her reactions. And only when she finally forgives herself, she can accept him.

Now... what does this mean for Elain?

Elain has had her life turned upside down by her transformation. She is heartbroken because the man she was in love with can’t even stand the sight of her. The moment she emerged from the Cauldron she was claimed. Very, very wrong move from Lucien’s part, should’ve bidden his time like Cassian did. Elaine rejects this new life for moths, and of course she rejects Lucien. Lucien is shaken by this, BUT he is also running away. We have seen him being completely lost. He has a sense of responsibility and yes, sure, attraction towards Elain, but he is messed up and in ACOFAS it is mentioned that he also wants to spend as little time with her as possible. 

It’s exactly the same situation as Feysand and Nessian, but in a different context of course. They both have to go through their own journey, accept themselves and then the other.

And we have had the same kind of hints we had with Feyre. Elain is not suited for the Night Court, she looks washed up in black, lifeless, darkness doesn’t suit her. She is light, flowers and sun. She is the Day Court, of which Lucien is in fact the heir.

And what about Azriel?

Azriel and Elain are in a very similar situation at the moment. They are both surviving a terrible heartbreak, they are both quiet and contemplative, they both see more than they let on. They are each other’s easy, comfortable choice. Also they both know that they can’t really be with each other, so if on one side this increases desire, on the other deep down they are happy basking in the knowledge that they won’t have to commit.

Since I started reading ACOSF I realised that the character of Gwyn had been created to be Az’s perfect match. She is also pure and traumatised, but she is already a fighter. Elaine and Azriel don’t work well together because they are too similar where it doesn’t matter, they need a counterpart to balance them when it comes to temperament, but similar enough deep down. Gwyn sees herself as scarred, marked after what happened to her. Just like Az constantly looks at his scarred hands. Elaine is all pureness and this is what attracts him about her, but it’s not what he needs. 

Gwyn and Az are on the same journey: accept the fact that their past does not define them and that they are better people than what they think.

Lucien and Elain are on the same journey: find out who they really are and what kind of life they want.

I’m expecting something to happen between Elain and Azriel in the next book, if SJM had not shown any attraction between them I would’ve thought that maybe she was preparing something meaningful for them later on, but it’s so out there that it’s clear they are each other’s initial position of comfort and complacency, they may even bang (and I’m sure it’s going to be hot if it really happens), but it won’t get further than that. 

Az’s shadows are attracted to Gwyn, they recognise a mating bond that neither of them understands yet. 

And Elain is so focused on rejecting Lucien even when he’s not around that it’s typical SJM couple dynamic 101.

[ushidoux]

He, Hercules - Ushijima x Reader

Summary: What is Ushijima if not strong? (~2.0k words)

Warnings: accident, temporary disability, implied depression, some suggestive themes, hurt/comfort

A/N: I have limited experience with athletic injuries and mental illness so bear with me. If there is anything you find inaccurate or insensitive in my depiction, don’t hesitate to pm me! <3

---

“Mr. Ushijima?”

You perk up when you hear the secretary’s voice call out your husband’s name, only realizing now that in your long semi-long wait you’d ended up dozing off, resting your head against his shoulder. Clearly, you must have been exhausted, because it takes you a moment to remember where you are, and why you’re here.

There are very few others in this small office aside from the single middle-aged man in the corner who you realize is staring quite hard at you, and you wonder briefly if it’s because you somehow looked inappropriate or acted inappropriately while you were asleep. There shouldn’t be anything very noteworthy about a young couple inside a therapy practice.

You glance at Ushijima who is barely moving despite the fact that his name was just pronounced. He’s as still as a statue and his expression is neutral as is typical of him, but you still perceive the lack of intensity behind his eyes, a constant reminder that no matter how much he acts as though he’s fine, he’s not.

Why else would you be here in the first place?

You nudge him gently.

“Love, they called your name. It’s time for your session,” you whisper into his ear.

He had been staring off at a fixed point across from him, but he does still respond to your nudges. When he rises, it’s done slowly, and he walks besides you with a slight limp in his left leg. He doesn’t wince with any step but the arm you hold onto as you walk with him through the hallway down to the provider’s office is stiff. You wonder if he resents how clingy you’ve gotten since his injury, handling him with kid gloves as though he were the most fragile of glass. You can’t help it. You’d almost lost him.

The office is open when you arrive, and a man who looks only a few years older than Wakatoshi is seated in a cream armchair, waiting, a measured smile on his face. Ushijima doesn’t smile back but he doesn’t frown either. 

“Welcome! Please come in and make yourself comfortable,” the man says without missing a beat, rising to shake his hand. He also shoots a glance at you, but before he can ask you to introduce yourself before politely shooing you out of the room (this is not couples’ therapy after all, even if it will help the two of you), you squeeze your husband’s hand before quickly exiting.

“I’m his partner, I’ll see myself out, thank you!”

You worry slightly about leaving him alone in this stranger’s care, but Ushijima is not a child and this isn’t the first day of kindergarten, he’s a man recovering from a life-altering injury and has finally agreed to go to therapy. 

You’re not sure how optimistic to be, but you’ve done an extensive amount of research and this particular therapist boasted credentialing in sports psychology, was highly recommended and had worked with a lot of current and former athletes alike. 

Of course, this would all be meaningless if Ushijima refused to talk, but as you started your car to pass the next hour at a nearby mall, you gave yourself a little bit of hope.

---

“Tell me about yourself,” is the first question the therapist asks, after offering not much more than his own name, and Ushijima is slightly annoyed by the question.

He does not want to be here in the first place, he doesn’t need to be here, and now he’s asked a question as vague and audacious as ‘tell me about yourself’ like he’s expected to pour out his feelings to this stranger from the very second he sits in this admittedly comfortable couch.

He pauses. He’s not sure exactly what he would say. 

He’s nearing 30. He’s married, no kids. If it’s not obvious, he’s from Japan. He plays volleyball professionally… well, played, up until recently. 

He frowns. That’s why he’s here. Because you don’t think he is okay, even if all of his injuries have essentially healed aside from this annoying limp that makes it obvious that he’s in some way not in optimal shape, broken, vulnerable. This  limp is the reason why he can no longer play even if he feels fine otherwise, and why he’s not exactly sure what to do next. 

But that’s beyond the point. The question is about himself.

What else can he say? How would others describe him?

His friends call him serious, just as the media describes him. Quiet and serious. Dedicated. Strong. 

Maybe he’s not that last thing anymore, but that too is beyond the point.

You think he’s sweet; you say this repeatedly. You tell him that he’s kind and considerate.

He thinks for a moment that maybe he was too kind. Kindness is what got him in this predicament in the first place, isn’t it?

A moment of compassion - a likely exhausted mother whose eyes leave her child for a split second to rummage through her purse, a little girl whose tiny legs take her just a bit too far out into an open intersection, a speeding car that shows no signs of stopping…

He remembers the exact moment he is no longer jogging but sprinting to take the child out of harm’s way, as well as the exact moment he hears his bones snap on impact, and he’s too shocked initially to feel pain, eyes frantically searching for the kid who now is standing on the opposite side of the street, looking at him in curiosity because the toddler is too young to understand what it means to see a body crumple. She’s unharmed, so he’s successful.

A woman screams and she sounds nothing like you. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing.

The car speeds on.

---

You sit in a food court, poking at some fries, but you’re not exactly hungry, just anxious. Is the session going okay? 

Even if the man is a professional at getting people to talk, Wakatoshi is a hard nut to crack. You could envision him sitting silently until the hour passed completely, before getting up to bow and exit stage left. It had taken you months to get him to agree to go to anything other than physical therapy.

You hope this is not an exercise in futility.

---

“I’m fine,” he grunted, just a couple days out of the hospital, once you’d started nagging him for weight-bearing on the leg that had just been operated on.

“Your leg was literally shattered!” You shouted. “You’re lucky they didn’t amputate!”

He gave you a mildly fatigued look. All he’d wanted to do was walk to the kitchen by himself, without crutches in his own house, and he’d barely made it a couple of steps before you were standing in the bedroom, looking all sorts of stressed and concerned. 

He figured your concern was temporary, so he attempted to quell his stubbornness. He had already been benched for the season, possibly to likely forever and pouring out his frustration on you wouldn’t be helpful.

“What do you need? I’ll get it for you.”

He frowned but he let you help him anyway.

---

“My name is Wakatoshi Ushijima. I moved here several years ago from Japan to play volleyball professionally. I was in a bad car accident a few months ago and my wife is concerned that I’m not adjusting well.”

The therapist offers a small smile again.

“Do you disagree with that assessment?”

Ushijima tilts his head slightly. He does disagree… he doesn’t? He’s not sure. He’s frustrated of course, who wouldn’t be, he had just been in the Olympics after all, but he’s fine. He’s strong.

He’s strong.

---

“We just wanted to thank you again.”

Wakatoshi glanced at the gifts the couple before them had brought,  a bouquet of flowers and stacks of cookies and pastries in boxes on the living room coffee table, before looking back at you. Your face remained polite and smiling but you were clearly uncomfortable from the way you were perched on the seat, nodding carefully as you listened to your visitors, your arms crossed over your midsection as you leaned forward in your chair.

He knew you wanted to be angry at them, well, her, the mother who looked at him pitifully initially then averted her eyes out of shame. But it wasn’t her fault but yet, it was her fault and still, it wasn’t. It was very complicated. No one was at fault. Her daughter was safe.

Everything was fine.

---

You’re back in your car again, ready to drive to pick up your husband from therapy. Things should get better from here on. 

Maybe he will no longer shut down like a brick wall when you suggest that now is a good time to start transitioning away from sports for the future. Maybe he’ll be less upset with small things like not being able to run as far, or lift as much or please you as much in the bedroom as he used to. 

They’re small things compared to losing his life.

---

“I would like to go back to playing but I’m told at every turn that it’s too dangerous, maybe even after a year of healing.”

The therapist nods, and scribbles something on a sheet of paper.

“How does that make you feel?”

The therapist notices even through Ushijima’s accented Polish that he’s naturally eloquent, but regardless he still lacks the words to appropriately talk about his feelings. 

His hands grip at his knees, the good and the bad one. The word ‘useless’ comes to mind but he can’t bring himself to say that to this stranger, even if these four walls come with the promise of understanding. 

For once, silence is uncomfortable for him, and the therapist is surprisingly good at staying quiet. They sit in silence for moments longer and surprisingly, Wakatoshi speaks up first.

“Weak,” he ekes out in a voice that is so small he barely recognizes it.

To that, the therapist leans just slightly forward, focusing his eyes on the man’s restricted range of motion and slightly hunched shoulders. It’s the posture of a man who’s normally stoic and confident, now made uncertain about the future.

“What’s wrong with weakness?” He says quickly, and Ushijima is somewhat stunned which then lends way to a small measure of anger.

Everything is wrong with being weak. Weakness was for other people. How could he protect himself, his livelihood, his team, you?

What is he if not strong?

---

“I love you.”

He says it less often than you do to him, but every time he does, he means every word. You shifted beneath him, weary from the lovemaking of just prior but still nevertheless craning your neck up to reach his lips. 

Your hands traveled down his shoulders and along the length of his bulky arms, playing with his biceps, drinking in the sight of his muscles flexing as he moved. He smiled and wrapped his arms tight around you, laying his head on your chest. 

“Aww, Toshi, you’ll crush me if you hold me so tight. You barely know your own strength,” you teased with a laugh, prompting him to loosen his grip ever so slightly, and lift up his head to show you the smallest of pouts.

“I love you more,” you added, giggling.

Pleased, he lay his head back down on the softness of your bosom, clinging to you more. He’d protect and take care of you forever.

---

You hold Ushijima’s hand tightly as you walked out of the building to your car, holding in your curiosity about the session the entire time. 

Would he go again?

He gives your hand a squeeze suddenly which surprises you, and when he turns to you, there’s a small upturn in the corner of his lips that approximates more of a smile than you’ve seen in recent weeks.

You’re elated enough that you immediately give him a hug, and maybe you’re a bit overzealous about it, but he stops and holds you close for just a moment.

“Thank you.”

There’s a lot in the thank you, and you shed a tear.

---

Strength is relative and inconstant, so our first task is to work on your definition of strength. 

But I would say, coming here in the first place is already evidence enough.

[simibraun]

Attack on Titan, chapter 137 analysis.

Chapter 137 has put everyone to thoughts by giving the answer which is so obvious and simple, an answer that is right before our eyes every single day, regarding the meaning of life and its beautiful simplicity. This chapter has some beautiful parts and I feel that Isayama completes my complex thoughts as a human being. After all, this is why I am so passionate about the story of Attack on Titan, because in one way or another, in the last 11 years reading his story, Isayama described to me, teached me, gave me answers and helped me in his way, to understand my journey in life. I have a lot say and I could write endless things regarding this matter, but I expressed many things in the following texts, regarding the conversation between Zeke and Armin, which is the most interesting part of this chapter. The following texts are a mixture of chapter analysis and personal expression. Let's begin with the quote Zeke said: “Maybe the end of your days are being manipulated.. all in the name of multiplication. Without ever knowing if it means anything at all.” The meaning of life sure is a complicated matter, but as far as we can understand life, a human is able to give and leave behind more things to this world, than just multiplication. A man is born to feel the completeness of his/her journey in life. But nowadays we are mostly lost in the heaviness of a dark life that we created by our own actions or created by others. We forgot the beautiful, meaningful and simple things that exist in our world and we lost our connection to them. Isayama made a story that most of it contains life struggles, we felt many times sadness and heartbroken while reading a chapter. The things that happen in his story and the experiences of his characters, are reflections of our reality and in each reflection, there is a part of us or a part of someone we know. Those reflections evoke to us the emotions from something that happened in our life, and we keep it in our memories. We too struggle in our reality, nowadays we are so busy dealing with problems and we mostly forget to observe and enjoy the beauty of the simplicity that surrounds us, because we are lost in worries and we are blinded by fake sights. I bet you can feel it too, you can see it too, how our daily life is filled mostly with problems, antagonism, people with fake personalities who cannot  even understand their own selves, showing something that they are not. And the result? Spreading misconception which can lead to hatred, setting high standards, do bad actions only to offend other people and see their downfall. That is something that happens too in the story of Attack on Titan, we see reflections of our reality. A human is not born to be lost in the worries and heaviness of a cruel world, which is something that has been created by his own actions. A human is born to connect to life, create, daydream, philosophize and feel its completeness in his/her journey. When Armin held that leaf and then the baseball, he said while showing it to Zeke: “To my eyes, even if there's no need for something like this in order to multiply, it's still something incredibly precious.” And Zeke said: “It doesn't mean a thing but.. you are right.” Reading this part, I can only think of how it is also in our reality, how some people became pragmatists-realists to the point as if they are paralyzed in their own thoughts and cannot allow themselves see and feel the simple beauties in life, feel fondness towards something. Some people cannot understand someone's fondness-affection towards some things. They believe that some things we love, are meaningless, because they don't have a specific purpose in life, rather than just being lifeless objects. You can see it every day around you, each one of us has different interests, different passions, some people may even ask you about the things you love and cannot understand why you love them so much. Regarding the things I love, these are some of the questions I've been asked and not only from people I don't know that much but from people who are very close to me: “Why do you buy all this merch?” ”Why would you spend so much money for these stuff?” “Why are you so obsessed with this anime-character?” “Why do people give you their money, to draw them a fictional character?” “It's funny how you people get so obsessed with these things, why do they even pay you to draw something that is not based in real life people or events? Let me bring you back to reality, they don't exist, there's no meaning to it.” To each one of these questions, the answer is: “Because in every part of these things, are memories and memories evoke emotions." and it's also the opposite, there are emotions that evoke memories. There are some things that people fail to understand, even if they think they do and still they believe that the things we love are meaningless, in reality they are not. A memory is evoked by emotions that are connected to something that happened in our life. Be it a story, a fictional character, an object, an image, these things can connect us to those memories, those emotions that we once felt and to life in general. This is why we love owning some things and are passionate about them, because we see a part of ourselves, they make us feel comfortable, they remind us beautiful memories and emotions, simply they give us life. Nothing is meaningless, no matter if some people cannot understand some things, the emotions that are being evoked through the things we love, will always be personal, not everyone is able to understand them completely and we don't always have to explain to them, simply because they are personal, only we are able understand them deeply. Those who have been following me throughout the years, you may remember some of my comments or talking on livestreams regarding this story, that the reasons for being so passionate with AoT and feeling so attached to it, are reasons so deep and personal. Armin describes his memories, about enjoying the simplicity in life and when describing those moments, he feels peaceful. We often recall memories that evoke a nostalgic feeling about the good old days and somehow, even for a moment, we feel as if we are there living that moment again and we feel peaceful and complete. Those are the moments that connect us in life. As Armin describes some of his beautiful memories and thoughts to Zeke, I want also to describe to you some of mine. Memories that I keep remembering and still cling to them. Some of the memories I keep remembering, are the days I've spent in nature when I was younger, my first house was right in front of the sea, so daily I used to play around the shore and on the other side of the sea, was visible mount Olympus. What a beautiful sight it was. There was a small harbor close to my house and I remember we dived there with the other kids from the village to take out the starfish that were laying on the harbor, we brought them out to the shore and we observed how they were moving their legs and slowly went back to the sea. As Zeke misses and feels about Ksaver, that's how I feel about my grandfather, I remember how I walked with him and his two dogs in a beautiful forest that was close to his house, and specifically I remember the image of a path we walked deep inside the forest. The image of sunlight falling among the branches still frames my thoughts so clearly. I really miss him and those moments, I even saw these memories in my dreams. It felt like I was living it again. Another memory of a village I used to visit, which is among mountains, we used to climb on the mountain's slopes with some kids and we had a specific spot of a rock that was very slippery. We called it “the slide” it was our playground. As Armin remembers that sweet warm breeze, I can also remember that chilly breeze of those moments in the mountain and the sight of its wild nature. I sure cannot forget these memories. Every time I think of them, I feel peaceful, moments so simple yet they make me feel complete, because I was completely connected with life. I remember someone asked me a question on one of my IG livestreams: “What is inspiring you? How do you convey your inspiration into art?” and here also, with this chapter Isayama completes my answer to this question: I said that, anywhere I go, be it for a walk, travel somewhere, even when I just have to go to work, from the moment I step out, I observe everything around me. I don't like to look down as I walk, if I do, it will be only because I am lost to some thoughts that take me to another place. I always observe the things around me, observe the sky and its colors, the clouds and the sunlight, the birds flying, I observe the flowers how they dance in the breeze, I will catch a glimpse of the gaze from the person walking past next to me, sometimes I see beautiful sad gazes, sometimes bright ones, sometimes a smile, it's as if I live in my own world and I see everything in a cinematic view. I love observing, and I love to see things beyond of what I observe, I love trying to understand the deeper part of what I see. And all these emotions along with personal experiences, make me create worlds in my mind that I convey into art. I guess this is why I am so passionate about this story, because it completes my complex thoughts. When Zeke says “So I suppose, I'll thank you. Dad..” to Grisha, it's like what we are used to say regarding some of the hardships that we've been through. That no matter how rough some of our experiences have been, in the end, these experiences made us who we are now and made us stronger. We saw and understood a different part and meaning in life. If Zeke wouldn't have been through those hardships from Grisha, he wouldn't have met and have those precious moments with Ksaver. Although, sometimes we wish that it would be preferable not to have been through these hard times, but still, isn't it somehow a magical thing that we are able to feel such deep emotions that were evoked through hardships? A human is made and is capable to withstand all the hardships of the world. This is also a part of life, to be able to understand its different perspectives, both good and bad ones. These moments and memories give me joy, and I want to continue to create more beautiful memories, even if there will be sad ones too and even if I've been through really tough hardships so far, I still want to feel its completeness. Which beautiful memories and experiences, are the ones that you keep remembering, have the nostalgia to go back to and live them again? The ones you think about, are the ones that prove that you were truly connected to life. Thank you for reading my thoughts.