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eldritchsurveys · 5 months ago

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1217.

by joybucket

1. What is the hardest part of your life right now, and what is the easiest? >> The hardest part is a tossup. The more practical concern is being consistently financially insecure but in that weird working-class way as opposed to just being straight-up destitute like I'm used to being. It's weird to me because when a person in your household works between 35 and 40 hours a week for what seems like a decent wage, you'd think you'd be able to live off that. At least when I was destitute, I just... didn't have money. It's a very straightforward state of existence, even if it sucks major ass. And frankly, I still don't have money, I am still destitute, I'm just married now so their income is also my income in that strange way that legally-sanctioned relationships work. I don't know. Money is just such a fucking weird concept to me, no matter how you slice it. The point is, they -- we, whatever -- technically do not make enough money for us to support our current expenses on, but we have no choice but to limp along for now and hope nothing goes any wronger.

The other hardest part is my mental and emotional health and how relational trauma affects that every single day of my life. I know I need support, I know social isolation is killing me, but there's nothing to be done for it. It's entirely inaccessible to me. I am at a loss for how to get my needs met, so they just... fester inside me. My self-development has progressed but it is now arrested. What other people have broken in me requires the intervention of other people to be healed. That's just the way it is.

The easiest parts of my life are.... hmm. Well, again, I'm not destitute. I'm housed. Insecurely, but housed. That's still way more than I'd had for my entire adult life before now. *reads the next question* Oh, and my body is relatively healthy. That's nothing to scoff at.

2. If you are struggling with chronic illness right now, what are five of your worst symptoms? .

3. What is your favorite social media platform at the moment? >> Tumblr. Although the "social" aspect is a little lacking in my corner of the site, for some reason. I must be the only person who thinks I'm fun to talk to. :p 4. Do you have trouble forgiving people who hurt you? >> I don't have trouble with it. I have zero interest in forgiving people for hurting me. What for? What I want to do is find a way to live with the wounds they caused, to treat them like injuries that will always flare up when the [emotional] weather is inclement, to care for myself during those flare-ups, to not let anyone else reopen those wounds but to also figure out how to find and let in the people who would respect and honour the existence of those wounds. That's a lot to do, I don't have time or energy for some nebulous "forgiveness" business.

5. What do you do when you really want a certain person to care about you, but they just don't? >> Accepting that most people simply cannot love me the way I most want to be loved -- and that is not a fault of theirs or mine -- is a struggle, but I'm working on it. I'm getting a lot of practice in that area, after all. Also, I'm pretty sure I can't love most people in the way they most want to be loved, either. Or at all, lmao. Kind of handicapped in that department, frankly, but hope springs eternal or some shit.

6. Are you living your life to the fullest right now? >> I am living my life. Period. I'm not making some kind of fucking contest out of it, I'm just trying to suffer a little less.

7. What was the last thing you did that you regret? >> Uh... hm. I don't remember. 8. What is the best part of your life right now? >> This feels similar enough to the first question that I don't have a different answer.

9.....and what is the worst ? >> ^

10. What is something that is hard for most people but is easy for you? >> I know a lot of people struggle with, like, asserting themselves or going against the grain, that sort of thing, and that's never really been a challenge for me. I'm just kind of hardheaded that way, I'm gonna do what I want to do and there's no other option.

11. What is something that is easy for most people but is hard for you? >> Like, everything else, lmao. You name it, I've probably struggled with it.

12. What is your favorite color, and do you own a lot of things in that color? >> Yellow. I don't.

13. If you have a chronic illness, what are three things you used to enjoy doing that your illness prevents you from doing now? .

14. How has your heart been lately? >> I don't know, I always think it's struggling but that might just be anxiety. I've never had heart problems before, but the possibility of developing them increases with every passing birthday, so...

15. List three things you have survived. >> Chronic homelessness, years of familial abuse, the Person of Interest finale but BARELY. Man, that shit hurted.

16. What song would you say describes your life at the moment? >> I wouldn't say any song describes my life at the moment. 17....and why is that? >> Because life is a complex and multifaceted thing and any given song is essentially focused on one element of experience, not many. If I was going to describe my life with music, I'd have to make a playlist.

18. Do you spend more time on Facebook or Instagram? >> I don't spend any time on Instagram, at all, but I do check Facebook every morning. It usually takes me, like, 20 seconds. Ain't shit on there.

19. If you could say anything to anyone right now, what would it be? .

20. When was the last time you had someone pray with you? .

21. What is something that has recently made you laugh out loud? >> I can't think of anything right now.

22. List five of your favorite female singers. >> Floor Jansen (After Forever), Mlny Parsons (Royal Thunder), Skin (Skunk Anansie), Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil), I... don't think I have a fifth. There are plenty of other female singers I listen to and enjoy, but their vocals don't hit me the same way the aforementioned do. 23. What flavor was the last popsicle you ate? >> Red. I don't know what the actual flavour is supposed to be, cherry or something I guess.

24. When was the last time you got ice cream from an ice cream truck? >> I have never done this.

25. Do you celebrate the 4th of July, and if so, how did you celebrate it this year? >> Oh, you mean Sensory Overload Hell Weekend? Absolutely fucking not. Also, you think I care about celebrating this shit ass country? I have to live here, that's bad enough, you can't make me pretend to like it too. 26. Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? .

27. What are five of your favorite baby girl names your friends have used? .

28. What are five of your favorite baby boy names your friends have used? >> I'm bemused by the implication that I have enough friends with children to have ten different answers for these questions.

29. Have you ever been pregnant? >> Briefly. Very briefly.

30. Do you currently care about someone who cares nothing for you? >> I don't think this is even possible for me to experience. Thank god. I have enough problems in this department.

31. What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? .

32. Are you happy at the moment? Why or why not? >> I mean, sure. Why not.

33. Are you happy with your life overall at the present time? Why or why not? >> Eh.

34. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? >> Well, there'd be way more money. Also, maybe some social connections.

35.....and what is one thing about your life you hope will never change? >> I hope the Configuration never stops existing -- or, rather, I hope that my/our connection to it is never severed.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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torchickentacos · 1 year ago

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Fall Out Boy concert experience!

WOO ok wanted to type this out so, one, I don't forget it all bc concert amnesia hits me hard, but two, in case anyone just wants to hear about it!!! @alonetogethermp3 I know you'll wanna hear about it! LONG POST. I warned you all.

SO! This is a venue specific thing, but parking? BAD. They have the parking dudes whose job it is to point and yell. They were not pointing OR yelling and just kinda stood there. It was way worse getting out than in but I also got there early for openers. Also venue specific, but it wasn't that accessible. I knew that going into this, though- I had been there to see P!ATD before they sucked and also I graduated there, so I was aware of this issue. Luckily it isn't that bad with a cane, and I could struggle through the stairs and lines, but god forbid I had used my walker.

I wasn't too impressed by any of the merch designs but that's also entirely personal taste, and the good stuff might have just been sold out.

But we got in alright and found a shady space for lawn seats near the back in case I had a medical issue (chronic illness in direct sun, not something you wanna be stuck in the pit for). I will say- edibles? Great from what I've heard. Bring those. Don't be that person vaping and smoking whatever the fuck at a concert. Breathing is a thing people around you tend to enjoy. Don't be that guy.

The openers were CARR (heard about 2 songs, fun and fine, kind of giving Pom Pom Squad or Gracie Abrams gone rock and slight shoegaze and recording in someone's basement /positive), Royal & the Serpent (very good, almost definitely has Bikini Kill or Hole as their inspiration, played a competent nirvana cover that I wasn't at all mad at), and Bring Me The Horizon (way better than I was expecting except for the part where he asked if we were ready to be fucked in the ass with my mom sitting next to me). He also kept telling us to get up and jump. (My friend and I started a drinking game where I took a shot of liquid iv hydration multiplier every time an opener told me to jump, something I was entirely unable to do bc POTS lmfao). They did have actual drinks everywhere- it was more alcohol than anything else, actually. My friend did get something alcoholic but apparently it kinda sucked and I wasn't missing out. I will say, this WAS somewhere that you'd have to watch your drink, though. I didn't get catcalled or anything (this time) but I did feel the need to be on alert and I'd advise others to do the same at any concert, honestly, but especially one as packed as this one was.

I spent a lot of the opener time laying down in the grass because of the heat, but it did cool down nicely and most non-chronically ill people seemed to be fine with the heat. Also, I think it was Pete Wentz around the opening who told the crowd that if they saw anyone struggling with the heat or crowds or anything at all to let security know, and I loved that they seemed to be very conscientious of crowd safety (but it didn't get that wild honestly, pretty chill crowd but not to the point of being a dead crowd. Good in-between).

By the time FOB took the stage, it was sunset- really pretty, no pictures of that though bc phone storage and I was too busy talking to my friend.

The stage was really good- I ADORED that it was seemingly modeled after the album cover of From Under The Cork Tree. Here, have the world's blurriest picture of it below. The circle would show an 8-ball every so often, and it had a spinning globe for Hold Me Like A Grudge ("the world is always spinning and I can't keep up" lyric reference I imagine)! It had a ton of fun details like that that seemed to correlate to the songs. I also noticed a lot of clock motifs and ticking time, which... if I had a nickel each time a major 2023 concert tour had a clock motif (eras tour too, which I am not going to because I don't feel like fist-fighting a shady facebook marketplace reseller for a ticket), 2 nickels, etc. Also kinda funny bc they released a song together recently but I'm getting way off topic.

The sound quality was AMAZING, and while my pictures all suck, I could see a decent amount even when laying down and tired (though I had to peer through the sea of asses and vape/weed smoke). They had a few big screens that seemed pretty well-focused on Patrick and Pete (but also Joe sometimes). They weren't the most talkative but when they did, it felt so genuine and endearing- a bit awkward, but it really did feel like they wanted us to feel like they were talking to US and not just to a crowd. Patrick and Pete were so nice and just... real-feeling. I couldn't catch a lot of what they said, though- a bit mumbly. Pete was wearing a rose themed mesh shirt and a skirt, I'm pretty sure, which I loved. FOB, MCR, I love whatever the fuck popular former emo bands are doing with gender nonconformity these days. Keep that up.

Now. The songs. Bit of personal lore here, but I went with a friend I've known since like 2012/13, and we had been to this venue together around 2015?? for a show. Because of that, I was SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL when they played Bang the Doldrums. I know that thematically the entire thing doesn't quite fit, nor would I quite want it to, but I found a certain irony and amusement in singing some of the lyrics with my friend next to me.

AND OH MY G O S H. THE ACOUSTIC 'NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER'. I was fucking blessed. My favorite album/EP of theirs is probably My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to my Tongue, which is an acoustic EP, and so they played that song in the version I adored most. Though, I can't in good faith choose a single favorite album/EP.

AND WINONA!!!!!!!!! WE GOT SHE'S MY WINONA. I could NOT have asked for a better setlist. I also love that they played a good amount from Take This To Your Grave (AND ENDED ON SATURDAY!!!). Hot take? Could have done with a bit more MANIA but I get why they didn't, but The Last of the Real Ones was a GOOD CHOICE (another one I had Big Emotions about). The only songs I would have loved that I didn't get were The (Shipped) Gold Standard and GINASFS, but I would have cried my damn makeup off so it's probably for the best that I didn't get to sing 'I wanna scream 'I love you' at the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me' or 'trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns' or literally any other line of GINASFS. But if I get into that then y'all are gonna learn more about my emotional state than I care for lmfao. My blog is...not-irrelevant enough that I don't want to get too specific in case someone I know finds it, because while I don't know if my friends use tumblr, they're certainly the type (queer and neurodivergent lol, birds of a feather and all).

And THAT'S what makes the concert and FOB as a band special to me, though- it was a good show but it was a personal experience. I cannot separate the show from the emotions I went through for the company I was with that FOB's lyrics evoked. And if we were to crash and burn, then that also means that the memory of this concert will be forever stained by the things I felt now due to their inextricable nature. But that's the risk you take when you enjoy something because of someone's presence and associated emotions, and it's a risk I'll continue to take because there's no use living life held-back and scared of eventual regret. Enjoy the moment and everything you feel then and there.

It wasn't just a show that would be a replicable experience. Their lyrics and performance invoked those emotions in a really special way, and I was just FEELING the entire concert. Maybe I'm over-emotional or too sentimental or can't move on from an embarrassingly long and futile crush BUT I would not trade that for anything. It was an EXPERIENCE, not just good music, though it was that, too. And I think they delivered that in a very FOB-unique way that other bands might not have been able to.

It was just a very open vibe when they took the stage. They sang with earnest and genuine feeling and LOVE, and I think that spreads to the audience. Every show has a specific vibe. Live music feeds off of audience and band alike, and the energy was just vulnerable and wonderful at this concert, and you can tell they wanted to foster that experience.

Ultimately, emotional vulnerability is what FOB is built off of. Like their music or not, from even their first few albums, they had that deeper emotional touch to them. You could hear the spite, the yearning, the apathy or the jealousy in each line recorded. Their lyrics are founded on emotion as opposed to storytelling or even clarity (some songs, I have no idea what specifically they're on about but it makes me feel things anyways). And that rang true tonight as well, on stage and in the audience.

#l o n g p o s t . look me in the eyes. and read this.#took after fob's song titles for this post. thematically appropriate.#taylor's tag #fall out boy #smfs #so much for (tour) dust

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cisthehuman · 3 months ago

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The Future of Streaming~

It's not a goodbye! It's a 'See You When I See You' type of deal.

Trigger Warnings: Family Tragedy, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts (while I don't go into great detail about these thing, they are mentioned)

To explain myself and how I've been feeling, we should talk about why I started streaming in the first place.

I've said it a few times on stream, and possibly on here in a post, but I started streaming a few months after my dad suddenly passed. At that time, I was thinking 'Oh shit, we really don't have long to live. I need to do stuff I've been wanting to do before I kick the bucket too!'. At the same time, I've withdrawn from my friends a bit at the time, and I wanted streaming to be a thing to show them I'm okay and hanging in there.

And not everyone will understand the pain and energy it takes to grieve. It's been three years now and it still sucks ass, but it was even worse during those first few months when the wounds were very fresh. I don't even remember those months now as it's blocked it out of my memory. On top of navigating this new normal without my father, I went to graduate school which required even more energy and time. And to make matters even more confusing I was beginning to experience my first symptoms of PCOS which made my mental and physical health even worse.

I'm unfortunately not a stranger to poor mental health. I've considered cutting my time on this planet short enough times to know that I have to take extreme care of myself to be strong enough to fight off these thoughts. The stress of taking up some of my father's responsibilities, dealing with loss, school (which then turned into work stress when I got employed), and the ups and downs of chronic illness made me very weak to find happiness and enjoy my hobbies.

Now, don't get me wrong--streaming positively affected me during this time. I was able to do some streams with my irl friends, meet new people, and experience new stories/games that I never considered playing. The highlights was playing Our Life. The small group that amassed during that time was very fun. It made me feel lighter and brighter! And in the future when the sequel comes out, you bet your bottom dollar I'll be streaming it!

Tangent aside, while streaming was fun and did give me something new to do, I became a bit too ambitious with it. That is all on me. I started trying to make this into my third job and the two that I have take up a lot of my time. I started to bite off a bit too much than I could chew. I wanted to make a big overarching story for my streams and make all of these cool things for it...and with my limited energy I usually missed my self imposed deadlines which would make me very upset and feel even worse for myself. On top of that my lovely (but fairly cheap) set up would sometimes make streaming impossible, which added unnecessary pressure. I would think the small viewership I had would forget me, I could never get this to take off, all of this was for nothing.

That was when I realized I lost sight of what I was doing with streaming. I forgot that my original goal was just to sit around and have fun, whether no one or several people showed up. It was something I wanted to do to just relax. Instead I turned it into something I avoided.

I needed to take a step back. I took a small vacation from my job and truly sat around and did nothing. It was the first time in the last three years that I just enjoyed being alive. It was a sobering experience for me as I realized that I also haven't fully processed all of my grief and traumas. Resting also helped me get more energy to feel more present with people I care about and be more mindful of what I was doing healthwise.

This brings us to now! Streaming is going on an indefinite hiatus. There may be times where I randomly have one, but I won't stick to a particular schedule. I need more time to myself to get to a place where I'm mentally and physically able to bring streaming in as a bigger piece of my life. I've been in this place mentally before, and instead of giving myself time, I ruined things for myself and wasn't the best person to other people. That's a scar I'll keep, but I'd like to be better this time around!

So yeah! If you made it through this half planned/half stream of consciousness, thank you! Like I said, it's not a I'm completely gone type of thing. I just need to rest properly. I like putting my whole self into things, and I just don't have enough 'me' to put into this sadly. But don't worry! I'll still pop up with things! I'll still make posts on here as well!

One day, CisLunar will be back and ready to roll!

#cis rambles

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in-the-abyss · 1 year ago

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Tips for chronic nausea

So I usually don't do this but I'm on a three hour bus ride so. Fun fact about me! I used to have constant nausea, all the time. This was because of my anxiety, but it can be caused my plenty of other things (so fun! /s): migraines, autism, sensory processing disorders, mental illnesses, chronic conditions, motion sickness... And it's something I don't see people talking about, so here you have some tips that helped me when I felt nauseous. Under a read more because it got too long.

1. Sleeping. So so so important, and what actually helped me get better. Get at least eight or nine hours of sleep. It sucks, I know, but it does help your body feel better, so it doesn't hurt to try. If you can't get a full night's sleep because of insomnia, try taking a thirty minute nap halfway through the day to get a little burst of energy.

2. Breathing. People will tell you this again and again, but what my autistic ass didn't understand was that you're not supposed to do this continuously. One or two deep breaths can help a little bit, but don't do it a lot or you'll get dizzy.

3. Comfort foods. Eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating nothing at all. Repeat with me: Eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating nothing at all. While I was suffering from hunger and nausea, I found that crunchy, salty food was easier to eat than other things. So if I couldn't eat anything else I resorted to potato chips. Not the healthiest, but it was something. Eat things you enjoy! Don't worry too much about the nutrients, but also, sugar and protein are really really important. Fruits and nuts, if you can eat them, are a must. I can't eat nuts because of the texture, so I used to eat lots of toast with peanut butter and pb&j sandwiches (crunchy + carbs and protein). Also, a little bit embarrassing, but I used to eat baby food because it had important nutrients and I didn't have to chew it, so it wasn't too overwhelming. Lastly, drink lots of liquids that aren't water! Juice, milk, protein shakes, etc. It makes you feel full while being easier to eat!

4. Small meals. Next to sleeping, this is the one tip that helped me the most. Instead of having three big meals, try spreading them into smaller, more frequent ones. Feeling full sometimes made me feel sick, so I ate like six or seven times a day, hobbit style. If you can't finish your dish, eat half and eat the rest an hour or two later. There's no shame in eating pizza at six in the afternoon! Also, try eating more slowly, even if you have to reheat your food three times. Take your time, there's no rush.

5. Distractions. What it says on the tin. Talking with friends or family members, even if it's about something unrelated to your symptoms, can help (Talking about your nausea is also important! It can feel a bit awkward or embarrassing at first, but if you bottle it up it can end up blowing up in your face. Even just writing it down can help). If you're alone (like I usually was) you can watch a TV show or a movie; I watched like two entire seasons of The Good Place to distract me from eating. I recommend something that makes you laugh, but if comedy is not your thing, I understand. If that isn't distracting enough try to do something that keeps your hands and mind occupied, like crochet (can't think about your nausea if you're busy counting stitches!), drawing, 3D modelling (I did this :D) or writing. If you're unable to do any of this because moving makes you feel sick (I've been there), try listening to some calm music or a podcast about a topic of your interest.

6. Pressure. I had a bad habit of gritting my teeth because of this. Hugging yourself (or being hugged if you can handle it), pressing your arms against your stomach, pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth etc. Clenching your jaw too, but it hurts your mouth so I don't recommend it.

7. Stimming. If you're autistic you know what I mean, but if you're not familiar with this, stimming is basically doing repetitive movements or sounds to soothe yourself and process stimuli. The stims I found that help the most with nausea are humming, singing, biting/chewing something, and pressure. Be careful if you bite or chew on your fingers though, don't get hurt!

8. Temperature. Stay in your comfortable range. If it's too hot or cold, don't go outside! Shaking or sweating makes nausea worse, at least for me.

9. Nice smells. I used to spend a lot of time in my room because I have an air freshener that smelled like flowers (jazmin if I remember correctly). Strong, bad smells can make you feel sick, so try surrounding yourself with soft and fresh smells, something that makes you feel good. There are a lot of options for air fresheners in supermarkets, so try to give them a smell before buying them.

10. Don't look at moving objects. Obvious, I know, but this applies to moving lights too. Don't look at your phone screen, and for the love of someone, don't play video games while nauseous. Close your eyes and lay down if you can. Focus on your breathing and leave your mind blank (for my ADHD peeps who can't do this, I found that imagining yourself explaining a topic of your interest to someone helps for some reason). Turning the lights off helps too.

This is the end of the post. If you have anything to add, don't hesitate to comment with your own tips. And lastly: It gets easier. Even if people don't understand what you're going through, I see your struggles. You are not alone.

#how the hell do i tag this #nausea #mental health #autism #chronic illness #disabled pride #disability pride month #the abyss speaks

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waitwiah · 2 years ago

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Who am I?

\post00\ My name is Alia and motherf***** I’m ill. Like actually though. I’m twenty something and enjoy reading, watching movies, cooking & baking, singing, and watching anime. I’m on my diagnosis journey where I just have a bunch of symptoms that make my life a little difficult. I’ve always wanted to start a blog to share this journey with people who are going through similar things or just a way to share in general. My own personal therapy in lieu of a therapist I guess (while I’m trying to find one). I am trying out this blog thing to see how it goes. So – Welcome to my life. Back to the subject at hand.

What are those symptoms you ask? I’ll name the top five most annoying things:

1. I’m always so damn tired and cannot sleep. The fatigue is one of the worst things I’ve experienced in a long time. I fall asleep standing up, walking, talking, working, etc.

2. *TW talks of medications*: THE PAIN. Oh my goodness gracious the pain. Lay down – pain. Wake up – pain. There is always pain. I have abdominal pain that is officially chronic. I have abdominal pain with movement, rest, touch, and it is even unresponsive to pain medication which is fun. I have tried dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl, hydrocodone, bentyl, mirtazapine, olanzapine, nortriptyline – all of the pain medications and antidepressants out there. I lived an active thick girl life style. Traveling, working out 4 to 5 times a week, eating healthy, and weighed around 220lbs at 5’7”. I know that sounds very heavy. But keep in mind I was deadlifting and squatting 400lbs at one point and had just hit a bench press PR right before all of this happened. Ugh. Anyway.

3. *TW talks of sharp objects and w*ightloss & d*ath*: THE PAIN part 2. I have what is called “postprandial” abdominal pain. Every time I eat or drink anything I get what I like to call “the stabbies”. What are the stabbies you may ask? The stabbies are the sensation I feel whenever I eat or drink; like a million tiny razorblades slicing and stabbing my insides. SO I DO NOT EAT OR DRINK. I know, I know. It sounds crazy. “Just suck it up” one may say (just like most of my doctors say). But imagine being in the worst pain of your life because you opened your eyes or performed some other basic bodily function – it’s not so easy to suck it up. Because my intake had decreased so dramatically I was dying; skin mottled, lost 80lbs, bones sticking out, breasts deflated, ASS DONE FELL OFF. Not a single one of my clothing items fit me and I had to spend a bunch of money on new clothes that only temporarily fit because I continue to lose weight. Now I have a feeding tube that goes directly into my intestine so it completely bypasses my stomach. This has quintupled my caloric intake, but I still continue to lose weight…

4. Gastroparesis – kind of. According to Mayo Clinic, gastroparesis is a condition that affects the normal spontaneous movement of the muscles (motility) in your stomach. I have delayed stomach emptying and a slow intestine. This could be contributing to the pain that I experience but a lot of my docs don’t seem to think this is related and I’m not sure why. Because everything moves so slow and releases into the intestine spontaneously, my blood sugar takes random swings downwards causing me to have altered mental status. And because my intestines move slowly I’m prone to TMI fecal impactions (stool back ups).

5. THE SEIZURES. I have seizures whenever my blood sugar drops quickly that present as altered mental status or focal aware seizures where parts of my face jump or droop. Because of state laws, you cannot drive until 6 months of no seizures or altered mental status episodes. So that takes away a lot of freedom.

There are plenty more but these are the ones that make my life the most difficult. I’m always open to connect with others with similar symptoms or those who just wanna chat about things. I will try to blog about different topics once per week and do a little vlog action over on tiktok (@ro_lamperouge) weekly as well. Thanks for reading 💕

#undiagnosed #health blog #tiktok #vlog #new blog #wiah #health #healthy #health journal #health journey #chronically ill #chronic illness

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basedkikuenjoyer · 2 years ago

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Time was meaningless before, now I feel obligated to play with the order of this one. 1060 is a banger and I’ll say this first off. From the start when I raised the idea of a twist around Kiku/Yamato, I did say I could see it being the right logic but a setup for say, Vivi. Hancock last chapter seemed like another good outlet than can sorta straddle that thematic line. Bonney? Holy shit never even considered her but she’s perfect! If I had the rough idea but the answer was Bonney having a big role like Law/Bege for a bit? Love it, watch where she flips and seems inconsistent or two-faced. That said...if you made it with me this far:

🎶 Bonney, Bonney. Bonney...BOOOOOOONNNEEEYYYYYYY!!!! I’m beggin Oda please go with this plan. 🎶

Think about it, think about it, think about it. This is stupidly easy and it’s a perfect mirror to how we were meeting Kin in the first place. What role have I spun for Kiku as a new recruit? A big sister, nanny type Quartermaster. So what’s a great, borderline hackneyed trope plot for showing the virtue of such a character? I dunno, some kinda magic power turns all the crew into kids? Who cares about the specifics the concept is 24kt, surgical-grade gold. Know why? Returning the Favor for Kin’emon! Supernova tags the crew with a silly power that can really fuck em over and yes...if Luffy and Chopper (our Udon crew) get sucked out into a side story I 100% can see a nice establishing encounter out of Kiku & Bonney. Luffy can topple some local tyrant or whatever.

As perfect of an out as Bonney is for the themes, she’s also a great step forward for what I’ve been talking about. Mixed up time girls, winter island means kiddie Straw Hats will know what starving on the streets of Ringo felt like, them being hampered but not quite incapacitated is the perfect spotlight for a new Jill-of-All-Trades. Bonney’s own time abilities are perfect for unpacking our skewed Wano time.

Well hey! It’s that scene we talked about. You know, the one where if we kept showing it we’d see Luffy explain how Ace doesn’t like to show weakness. This is one of Fallensnowfan’s and it took me a sec, but honestly yeah seasickness could be a fun excuse. The idea is if Yamato built that much of a bond Kiku could easily be in Usopp territory and socially graceful enough it didn’t need to be spelled out. It could have been agreed to before the Raid even! The hook is keeping it subtle, but she did slip in “Torao-san” at the halfway mark. The big moments have happened, we need to sort out our time oddities though through the reveal. Playing with character knowledge and reader knowledge.

Chronic seasickness is a bomb gag for her no one else has, plays nice with this quirk she shares with Ace and is perfect for our timing needs. If she’s just seasick there’s no reason to worry or blab a lot about her, you’d just be adding shame to illness. Also a callback to Kin’s stomach issues in Act 1 and would work with the potential 1058 cameo. Just saying, perfect excuse to keep her out of sight and free from the initial setup if we’re doing kiddie Strawhats.

Then there’s this classic gag we had let’s see...right before Robin joined. With oh a t/n...probably something like “keikaku means plan.” No, wait, is it? It’s that pun I was waiting all Act 2 for! Big Mom & the Big Mum, featuring Chopper, Tama, & Momo. But well, it is a callback for Vivi too.

Robin, you’re about as blatantly taunting me as Law was about not needing to be a hyena to sniff out a mystery like who’s absent from the party. I love you. Oh yeah, and Caribou. Like...we know they shoved his evil ass in that barrel and chained it. Just the fact we never saw that though is weird. Okay, but one last big one I’m kicking myself from scrubbing off of last week’s post. Last time I ever worry about being too long-winded.

The hidden dream. Forget what it is for now, just the fact Luffy has a hidden dream he keeps to himself because people tend to laugh and it seems impossible anyways. Gee, who on Wano might be able to relate to something like that? Kiku doesn’t need a complex dream, hers is obvious and fate defying but she’s too guarded to easily cough it up. Oden/Kin callously laughed, Izo snipped at her, overheard people making fun of her, group of girls excluded her. Doesn’t have to be much. The fun is in the dramatic irony we know it’s something that can be sorted out easily by the time we meet her. No sense in saying anything until you actually meet up with Iva anyways. It be cruel to dangle that and not be able to deliver.

Just saying...I can certainly live with Bonney being the focal point for where all this was headed. That would be awesome to me actually because Jewelry Bonney is a riot! But it’s the same thing I always thought about Vivi. You’re someone we know was kinda spur of the moment by Oda’s own admission. Kiku goes even deeper in his history even if we meet her later.

#one piece #chapter 1060 #jewelry mutha fuckin bonney #op spoilers #op 1060 #Post-Wano Musings

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theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin · 4 years ago

Note

I read your headcanons about James Potter and I’m really interested to hear your thoughts Sirius and regulus Black pls pls pls

Oh no.

Alright, strap in people, because I’m about to say some things that nobody will like.

Let’s start in alphabetical order with Regulus.

Fandom often sees Regulus as a reformed Death Eater, the redeemed villain, or else a cooler suaver version of Sirius steeped in pure blood culture, making him more palatable than many pureblood characters as a love interest. There’s a lot of fics of him having almost defeated Voldemort, coming back from the dead and actually defeating Voldemort, reconnecting with Sirius, showing Harry the cool pureblood ways without being racist, etc.

Well, I don’t really buy into any of that.

I think, even with his defection, Regulus was likely still a very racist character and never really disavowed the cause. True, he was young when he was sucked in, he had his whole family meltdown when Sirius was disowned and suddenly he was heir, but I do think he really did believe in blood purism and nothing from the books suggests that he died not believing in it. He just stopped believing in Voldemort.

Instead, I believe he discovered that Voldemort a) did not mean anything good for his culture and b) Voldemort was a fraud.

What do I mean by that?

Well, in the first case, I’ve always viewed Tom Riddle in that period in time as a hate filled nihilist who doesn’t really believe in what he preaches. It’s just convenient to him as the purebloods are the ones with the money and the power. There’s no point in him appealing to Dumbledore’s ilk as they’re far less likely to be able to make him king (also it would mean putting up with Dumbledore and his stupid speeches about love and friendship). Most of Voldemort’s actions throughout the books don’t make the muggle borns’ lives miserable (at least not until he gets into power) but makes hell of the purebloods’ lives and absolutely ruins them.

The Black family, in particular, he essentially wipes off the face of the Earth.

With that in mind, I imagine a young Regulus eventually came to realize that Voldemort was systematically destroying the great families from the inside to put himself in power. It was never about the muggleborns or the country, it was only ever about power.

Then we get to the other bit, Voldemort being a fraud. Unlike many, I believe the Death Eaters had no idea who Voldemort was. It’s too unbelievable to me that some guy named Tom Riddle, who their fathers all went to school with, who everyone knew as a muggle born impoverished orphan, could convince them all that he was the next Merlin who they should devote their lives (and their money) to. Tom’s charismatic, but he’s not that charismatic. Better for Tom Riddle to just disappear entirely and show up as the Count of Monte Cristo, descendent of Salazar Slytherin himself, impressing all the young heirs while their young, angry, and stupid.

With Regulus finding out that his great leader is actually just the halfblood son of a squib, the whole movement falls apart. Regulus is a pawn, fighting for nothing he believes in. Now, that said, I don’t think Regulus ever figured out who exactly, Tom was. He clearly knew the name, as we see from the locket, but just knowing that Riddle is a muggle last name would be enough to know that Voldemort was nothing he presented as.

Basically, Regulus becomes extremely disillusioned with the Death Eaters and Voldemort in a few short years. The change he wanted to see sweeping the country doesn’t happen. Instead the violence, which he was initially very excited for (guys, Regulus did join a domestic terrorist organization and I will not cut him slack for that, he was excited to blow up some muggle borns) is pointless and hurting their own people as opposed to the muggle borns.

During all of this we have Kreacher borrowed by Voldemort for the creepy horcrux placement. This certainly makes Regulus go “hm” and he’s clever enough to put together on his own that the locket must be a horcrux.

That said, I do not believe he knew enough about Tom Riddle to have been able to hunt down the rest or even know where or what they would be. Dumbledore had been paranoidly collecting memories of Tom Riddle’s entire goddamn life and relying on the plot convenient aspect that Tom was apparently so much of a romantic he never left his horcruxes anywhere but Britain and always left them in very noticeable sentimental objects. Regulus knew about the locket because of Kreacher, had he lived, he’d have no idea where the hell else to start.

So that’s Regulus for you, a fairly intelligent, yet youthfully stupid, extremist whose dream did not live up to the reality and probably still would have spat in Hermione’s face had the gang resurrected him from being a lake zombie.

As for Sirius, well, he’s James the asshole times a thousand to the point where he makes some “ha ha, very funny, but actually really this is horrifying” decisions.

I guess we’ll start back when he’s young.

We don’t see much of the young Sirius, and granted, what we do directly is given to us by a very bitter, resentful, and biased Severus Snape but his actions still read a lot like pretty much any Stephen King bully villain. The scene where they’re tormenting Snape (and Snape drops the slur, Lily abandoning him) is horrifying to read. And it’s clearly one of many moments over many years of this group of boys sexually harassing him (and yes, that was sexual harassment guys, let’s not pull out stops here).

Then we get to the joke with Lupin that... really wasn’t a joke.

The flimsy excuse we’re given in canon is that a) it was all in good fun b) Snape was so much of a coward he’d never actually go to the Shrieking Shack because he’s a big chicken. Bawk bawk bawk, Snivellus the chicken. But, well, these excuses are flimsy.

When you get down to the bare bones of it what Sirius did there was attempted murder via his chronically ill best friend. It’s one of those actions that I simply cannot justify, even had Sirius not thought it all the way through, as boys will be boys. What was the good outcome there? Snape sees Lupin and shrieks in terror? (Only to probably run to some authority and try to get the uncontrolled werewolf the fuck off of campus, nice going Sirius) Snape gets infected with lycanthropy? Snape dies, Lupin wakes up covered in blood with the horror of knowing he ate a classmate?

Later, we do get Sirius sort of apologizing for his behavior. But it’s at best a ‘sort of’ apology. He never admits the full horror of what he did, just how relentlessly brutal he was to Snape, or what the werewolf thing really would have ended in. Instead he goes, “yeah, James and I were kind of assholes. He grew up though, Lily married him so he couldn’t be an ass anymore! And it was Snape, Come on, Harry, it was Snape.” And Harry, messed up asshole that he himself is goes, “Yeah, it was Snape! Stupid Snape!”

I also never got the feeling he ever fully apologized to Remus. Sirius used Remus in the worst of ways, made it clear he had no respect for Remus and no compassion for his condition, and continues to treat him as a sort of secondary friend to James. I think it says a lot that Remus was able and willing to believe Sirius was guilty of murdering James and Lily in cold blood.

Which probably gives you a hint that I think Remus/Sirius would never happen except in the most toxic of ways possible.

Basically, in a fair world, Sirius should have been expelled if not tried for the werewolf incident. However, Dumbledore plays favorites and chose the sons of two lords as opposed to the poor half blood (which I imagine cemented Snape’s path to becoming a Death Eater). And so there is some cruel irony in that Sirius was eventually jailed for something, even though it was something he didn’t do.

Now, after Azkaban, Sirius seems to have mellowed out a lot. While he’s a bit unhinged and thoughtless (his rescue attempt of Harry’s rescue attempt at the end of Order of the Phoenix) a lot of this can be seen as after effects of his stay in literally hell on Earth for over ten years.

That said, a lot of people see him as the cool uncle character who, if Harry had been able to live with him, all would have been well. I firmly disagree. Young Sirius was, well, god knows how warped Harry would have been growing up with a young and reckless Sirius Black. After prison he’s in no condition to take care of Harry, and even says as much multiple times. Sirius is cool to hang around at a distance, but up close and personal he’d be very messed up and not at all ready to be a father to a teenage boy.

Otherwise, Sirius was very very very gay for James Potter. Unfortunately for him, James Potter was straight and into Lily Evans. I’m sure it was a very sad day for Sirius when Lily actually said yes to James. Except not really, because James always strikes me as a “bros before hos” kind of dude. Not that I’m sure if Sirius ever admitted he was gay and in love with James, I’ve always been of the belief that pureblood culture is extremely homophobic and it just... wouldn’t come up.

So there it is, now excuse me while I go hide behind this barrier before I get eaten alive.

#harry potter #head canons #regulus black #sirius black #remus lupin #severus snape #ask #anon

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happytroopers · 3 years ago

Text

Book of Boba Fett catching up Eps 4- 6

Spoilers below obvi

Episode 4

Time for more Bacta flashbacks???

I love banthas quality animal

When do we get the slave 1 back

I miss her

HE TALKS TO HIS BANTHA LORD I LOCE THIS MAN

get you a man who can roast small

Mammals

THE TAIL WAG

AHHHH KTS FENNECS EP YES YES UES

Perhaps my man Din makes an appearance

Ming Na Wen is so gorgeous

I love the theme so much

A lil village

More cyber punk youths

TECH LOOK A LIKE

Headcanon: that’s techs offspring

So I think this solely bc of the goggles and curly hair? Yes

Hack shop for ppl

Is this a uniquely human trend???? Is this the Star Wars equivalent of fast fashion??!?

Don’t love the space dubstep but I do imagine this is what 79s sounds like

I love when Boba goes all serious Stoic and Serious™️

“Why not just ask for it back?”

Boba, who hadn’t even thought of that, “….. I might not like the answer”

HES INSECURE

tiny spy droid :,)

I love a man who loves his pets

Make baby banthas :))))

Lil rats :)

If she had all this stuff why the fuck did she not just kill that lil prick that shot her before he got the chance

Knife hand magee

GREIVOUS WANNA BE

OH J LOVE THESE LIL GUYS I CALL THEM BUNNY DROIDS

Leave him alone !!! He’s scared!!!!

The feminine urge to shut ur self down when ur not having a good time

Fennec I love u

I really have no grasp for how long he was in the Sarlacc pit bc Slave 1 looks TERRIBLE

HE LOOKS SO SAD

I just imagine that being in slave 1 takes so much core strength

Not the spare sail barge

There’s no way they can hear each other

Fennec said haven’t you heard, we’re besties.

SLAVE ONE SLAVE ONE

He said time to investigate

I feel a jump scare coming

And there it is

Temeura’s teeth are so white

I loved those bombs s

Sensory pleasing sounds

MEN “don’t touch my buttons” AS IF SHE DIDNT JUST SAVE UR ASS

Lovingly pours water on ur head :,)

I love when they put the twilight blue tint on the flash backs

No more chronic illness :)

MAX REBO LOVE OF MY LIFE

Emo Wookiee !!!

Boba’s like Ope alright then I just got here

She’s so pretty I love her

I love the shimmer cape,,, I want one

As a bartender I can contend that free drinks fix everything

But apparently not that

“It was worth a shot”

THE SHRUGS

BUNNY DROID IS BACK

Protective beast I love it :)))

Asking a room full of career criminals to be trustworthy is. Not smart????

Honestly the Pykes can suck a toe

Money can be exchanged for goods and services.jpeg

MANDO THEME MANDO THEME MANDO THEME

I feel like a lot of this episode was unnecessary but so far it’s been the most attention holding episode

Episode 5

SPACE BUTCHERS

I love when Star Wars reminds us that they have normal jobs too

NO WAY NOW WAY

ITS MY HUSBAND

Dramatic entrance that no one watched

Did you see him looking for approval

The things that man could do to me

Wish he had his son :,(

Dilf without the D

Good ole tracking fob- the question is what do they track bc if ur being hunted,,, wouldn’t you get rid of anything that could track you????

Options: can you bring warm or cold

I FUCKINF KNEW IT

Din pls beat the shit out of me

DARK SAVER DARK SABER

Awww buddy :( need some more training

That was hot

He said union rights

Din pls come kill my boss so I can pillage the safe

Also pls see a doctor and train some more ur gonna lose a limb

Ok but I kinda love this planet setup

Lil space ring artificial gravity city scape could be fun

I love awkward elevator scenes they are the peak of comedy to me

YES MLRE STAR WARS CLUBS

He’s got things to DO

ID PUT THAT ON ICE IF I WRRE YOU

Din back with the comedy

Thighs thighs thighs

Something ab an injured man that you know is dangerous

Mando tagging systems kinda like hobos

This feels not OSHA approved

Lil space walk in the evening

He’s so tired

AYEEEE ITS THE ARMORER

The groaning 👀👀👀👀

Big boy is getting some ideas

Here for the Bo Karan Kryze

For someone who has so much information of Jedi the Armorere sure gave Din absolute SCRAPS when he first started his quest

NOT THE BELL RINGING BNK

Ok this all seems very unnecessary

This is why there’s so few Mandolorians

No common sense

VIBROBLAXE

Oop the truth comes out

Listen I need din to be happy some how some way

PART OF MY RELIGION line returns

This is another of my fave tropes

“You need to disarm” proceeds to take FOREVER

“I know every thing that’s in there”

>:( angry point

HE MISSES HIS SON

also kids like that are fucking annoying

He’s going to tatooine

For why

STAR TLURS DROID

PELI!!! I love this bitch!!!

DINS HIP SHOTS MAKE BE FERAL

NUBIAN STAR FIGHTER

“This baby can fit so many * slaps hood *” energy

MAN UNDER BEHICALE IM GONNA FROTH AT THE MOUND

PELI IS A FURRY

Yeah we can tell you’ve never been off world bestie

She’s a LOCAL GAL

GONK

Being able to be nice to droids,,, character development

New ship new man

Soft violin theme :,)

This thing is a death trap

NOT THE POD RACING TRACK

This is giving me vertigo

It’s the sticky kid again!!!

I feel like harassing commercial flight is definitely a violation

YEP

NOT THE REMOTE ACCESS

It zips!!!

NOT WIZARD AGAIN

This is a Phantom Menace homage

BESKTE VIBES ONLY

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD,,, TWILIGHT’S victoria ????

I loved this episode but let’s be honest this was just an episode of the Mandolorian

Episode 6

I stg I can not deal with Din and Boba on screen together again

I assure you I will be going feral whore mode

Like an unneutered dog

NO NOT COBB VANTH IM LITERALLY GONNA MELT

I wanna be a cowboy baby :)

Why are the Pykes selling to other Pykes??? That business model is just bad

OK BUT ANYONE WHO BREATHES KN THAT BREEZE IS FONNA GET HIGH AS GHCK

COBB CMON NOW SOME COMMON SENSE

R2 R2 R2

My fave war criminal

R2 said “greetings loved ones met take a journey”

Ant droid colony????

“Wake up!” >:|

Resigns to the bench fate

BABY YODA

(Grogh is a dumb name I stand by that)

CGI twink

him hungry >:/

Not him teaching grogh how to make a Buffett

HES SO HAPPY

CHANEL BOOTS

LUKE HELPING HIM KEEP UP

I’m still hoping they just kinda 180 and when grogu is old enough he talks normally and proves that Yoda was just a freak

HOW MANY TIMES WILL ORDER 66 hurt me

Shows a child a trauma they forgot “Welcome back 🥰”

Taking a lil nappy nap

AHSOKA MY BITCH

OLD FRIEND OF THE FAMILY

R2 AHSOKA REUNION

She’s getting the mannerisms down better

Din said stop making me self reflect >:,(

Ahsoka’s montral looks better now than they did in Mandos2

FIST BUMP

OH GROGUS SAD

Besties I am u well

GROGU/YODA backpack parallel !!!

LIL HOPPY HOP

Do or do not there is no try call back

MORE BACKPACK

is this Bryce Dallas Howard too bc this is very twilight Esque

TWILUGHT PARRAELLE

Grogu does yoga

Ok I would like to see Boba now

More accurately I would KILL to see Boba interact with Grogu

IF DIN SAW THAT HED LOSE HIS MIND

BACK FLIP BITCH

Training to do war crimes :)

SO MUCH LIKE UR FATHER IM SCREAMING

What I really need is to see Ahsoka and Leia interact it would clear my skin and water my crops

My instincts say to give Grogu back to Din to restore Dilf rights

My fave lil wiggler :)

ANOTHER HOT COWBOY????

BOTH LOST SOMETHING WE WETE FOND OF IM SOBBJNG

City Folk fight lmao

That big smile of yours let’s you get away with anything

Cobb that was a lil fruity

DARTH MAUL????

CAD BANE CAD BANE CAD BANE

WHORE HAT WHORE HAT

Southern Drawl y’all!!!!

He looks sick :(

But also by now he’s gotta be ANCIENT

NOT MY HOT COWBOYS

BOMB THEY LEFT A BOMB

DRUG RHNNERS AND TERRORISTS

ITS BABY SIZED

I love how post originals we’re all ab reduce reuse recycle with the lightsabers

Ok now that we’ve set up Mando s3 can we get back to Boba??

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shadowfae · 3 years ago

Note

1- Not much tbh, just what you've posted, and 2- To be honest I quite like your long answers. It can definitely wait though, you should get some sleep.

Is your warpriest link a constant thing? Does it ever fade into the background? I'm contemplating forming a second link, something happier than my copinglink, and I'm not sure how to tell when to tell when the line of a link vs a persona is crossed when not worn out of necessity.

And the original ask so I have it on hand. I did take a look at your original context, and if you're cool with it, I'll edit this post with a link for those who may find this is a useful answer and need that on hand. Otherwise, it'll stay a mystery.

But yes, it seems like my Sabe experiences would be a useful thing to talk about here. And in order to do that, I need to go over four things: who and what Sabe is, why he exists the way that he does, what that does for me, and lastly what I think he is in terms of terminology and why.

To start, here is his toyhou.se profile, if you want to read more about his actual story and thoughts and whatnot. But I doubt you'll have the necessary context for that, so let me go into it. RuneScape (RS) is one of the oldest MMORPGs in existence. WoW might be older but I doubt it. Basically it's a medieval magic fantasy that's very long running and you the player end up the World Guardian, aka the guy that stops the gods (who are very powerful folks who just don't die of natural causes and typically stand for some philosophy) from blowing the world up because Guthix, the dead god of balance, asked you to. Well, he voluntold you. And that makes you a major chess piece, Elder Gods get involved, it's a big mess.

But before all that happened, back in 2006 when I was introduced to the game and very shitty at it, well. I liked the lore insofar that I've always liked the lore, it was interesting and I liked thinking about it. I didn't have membership and I sucked at playing so I just read the wiki and the God Letters over and over and sometimes the Postbag from the Hedge. Alongside my two friends, we played at being children of the then-triad of main gods: Saradomin, Guthix, and Zamorak.

I liked Zamorak best, but I didn't think his ideas would be the best for society as a whole, so I ended up playing child of Guthix. Eventually we grew up and grew apart but every couple of years I'd go back to RuneScape, read the lore, settle on what choices I'd make if I could play, and think about being the player character. In 2010 I discovered a fic - dawn by khayr, it's on Ao3 and dA - about Iban, son of Zamorak, right around when I was reading Percy Jackson. Cue him showing up as a soulbond and an older brother figure and guiding me right up until the end of sixth grade. Iban got me through the ruthless bullying that would later set the stage for all my major suicidal-ideation and self-hatred for the entirety of high school: even then, I was more stable than I might've been otherwise, because he interfered.

Saradomin stands for strength through order. Procedures and law and diplomacy and war strategy. He was originally kind of a ripoff of the Christian god, but he's grown to be more of an order-over-peace character and is quite well-written. Guthix stands for strength through balance, and has been all over the board in terms of what he's done and will do. He's kind of a dick, actually, but his heart's in the right place.

Zamorak, as you've heard, is strength through chaos and personal strife. It's no "the strong over the weak" or "the strong take care of the weak", it's flat-out "everyone is strong, and just need the right circumstances to tap into it to be the best they can possibly be". Now, his philosophy is kind of more for warriors and scholars, but if you tilt your head, it applies to everyone. Chronically ill folks will find their chaos in fighting to get up every day and maintain a life. Folks in traumatizing, abusive situations find that chaos in their very survival. Scholars challenge themselves and their fellows and their predecessors trying to find the answers they so need. Nobody in lockstep, no such thing as "we've always done it this way."

A lot of human Zamorakians and Saradominist propaganda says that Zamorak is simply absolute evil: and to be fair, when most of that was written, he kinda was because he was based loosely on the Christian devil. Later writing says that they're typically mistaken on that. Zamorak isn't evil. The very first thing he did upon becoming a god was fulfill a promise and lead a slave rebeliion. (The Avernic uprising, if anyone's curious.) He stands for the downtrodden and says "You are never going to get your dignity by going through the motions and trying to peacefully show you're worth respect. Burn some shit down and prove that you won't stand for this bullshit."

Zamorak in a Saradominist's eyes is someone whose banner you wear when you want to be a crazy murderer. Zamorak in a Zamorakian's eyes is the singing voice who murmurs "Get up, this isn't enough to kill you, you can still do this," when transphobic laws get passed or you hear a slur thrown your way on the street.

And as someone who grew up queer and nonhuman, yeah, that resonates, and the older I get the more I think "Guthixian philosophy is best for a society at large, but Zamorakianism for individuals is good." Because Zamorakianism can't really apply on a theocratic level. It really doesn't. It turns into American bootstrap culture and no social services and all that shitty stuff.

The funny thing is that Zamorak himself has no issues helping out if he thinks you need it. (If he didn't, he wouldn't be cool with asking for help, or giving it when he's asked. Which he does do repeatedly so. The man has more kindness in him than people want to admit.) What I do find fascinating is what he thinks of the actions of some of his longtime subordinates, who clearly support him, but I don't think support his actual philosophy. Because if you ask me, he'd side with the downtrodden humans of Meiyerditch, not the vampire lords that treat them like cattle. He's proven that he likes humans, and doesn't see them as unworthy. I do wonder if Jagex will show us what he might do about that.

Either way. Ahem. Over the course of a decade and a half, I keep going back to RuneScape, refining my philosophy and side, thinking again what I would do playing the game proper. About... I want to say five years ago, Jagex opened up the Sixth Age and I finally noticed, and they rewrote every god's philosophy because they wanted every single one to be actually playable. Not just "hurr durr evil" but actually have a logical line of thought. They probably didn't have pop culture paganism in mind, but the gods of RS are incredibly well-suited to it.

Well, I found that out, and immediately went through every god's philosophy, and reasoned my way through it. What does a worshipper of this god look like? What sort of life would they lead? If i apply this to me, what does that look like from that perspective? Do I understand this? Is it comfortable to exist in?

And as it turns out, I understand Zamorak the most, followed a close second by Armadyl, which was quite surprising. Zaros remains incomprehensible and I don't trust like that. (That's another story.) So I thought about it more, and it stuck even when I wandered off to different fandoms and interests. But what happened was that I ended up internalizing it, unknowingly and without meaning to.

It meant that when, two years later, I ended up in a horrific and traumatizing situation, the anchor I hit that held me together was a mixture of being a Devil - I am a fucking God you will obey me and recognize my power - and Zamorak's core philosophy: this cannot kill me, this cannot stop me, this is pure fucking hell and I am going to laugh in the face of death because people are forged in hellfire and I will walk away knowing what I'm made of.

And I was right. Honestly, out of everyone who was there with me, I think I'm the only one that was that deeply entrenched and walked out without trauma. I do not believe I could have done that had I not internalized Zamorak's philosophy. (That isn't to say if the others had that philosophy they wouldn't be traumatized, because there were absolutely other factors I wouldn't know about and some that I do and didn't do them any favours; but I am saying that it saved my ass and without it, I might not have been okay.)

I walked out of that with zero regrets. Zero. Even now, I don't regret a thing. Because it doesn't matter what happened or how much I was lied to or if he deserved my kindness. I know what I perceived to be happening, and I know how I reacted, and when the pieces were down I was stronger than steel, gave kindness without considering the cost, and I walked away unscathed.

How many people can say they've looked death in the eye and laughed? More than there should be, not too many that knowing what I'm capable of when put into pure chaos isn't somehow impressive. Because it is. And Zamorak's words proved themselves, or rather, I proved him entirely correct.

And when I last went back to RuneScape, and thought about it with enough time to put it all into hindsight, well. Aw, shit, he was right. Then vaguely around that time I went back and read Dawn, which was unfinished, tracked down the author and demanded to know how it fucking ended. (She told me and we're still friends like three years later. xD) Then I went back and found my old OCs, and decided fuck it, I'm making my own World Guardian.

So first thing I did was log in and jump over to the Makeover Mage and make myself into a boy. Kept the plateskirt though, I wanted to have the RS equivalent of a limp wrist to prove I'm Very Queer. Then I went about remaking my character. I wanted to make a self-insert, I was old enough to know it wasn't cringey, it was just fun, but I didn't want to use my default avatar with the black hair over one eye and the Chaorruption. I wanted to make a new self-insert based in nothing I was already using.

So I made the most beautiful man I could! Long, dark brown hair, pretty semi-dark skin, looked Kharidian, and then I said fuck it and made him Zamorak's youngest son. Originally, he was adopted when he was young by Iban and Clivet, and suffered serious imposter syndrome when being WG meant he'd never get demigod powers. But as I grew more confident in myself, he ended up getting powers? And then eventually I rewrote his backstory, and then wrote about his mother, and her relationship with Zamorak, and then he had friends like Blaire and Icthlarin (who was also my furry awakening, rip me).

Then with the most recently questline I've been getting a bit more into RS magical theory, and I've been mulling it over lots, and Seanan McGuire's Middlegame definitely helped; and I figured out how I wanted him to handle being World Guardian: it didn't make sense for him to be openly Zamorak's son, the other gods would just target his family to manipulate him. So I had him play neutral openly and Zamorakian to his friends, effectively living a double life.

Then he just looked up one day and said "Oh, by the way, my father won't acknowledge me to keep me safe but I don't know that so we have a very unsteady relationship because I don't know if he loves me", and then Children of Mah came out, and he was all "Oh and I think I just got disowned (I didn't, Zamorak was protecting me, but I don't know that) so my relationship with Zamorak is Fucking Shitty" and he was stuck that way until I figured out how to save their relationship.

It culminated in Sabe not knowing how his Mahjarrat powers worked and guessing, and hating himself for being half-and-half, and missing everything about being a Mahjarrat, and literally you couldn't have gotten more obvious in order to tell me I was having Fucking Issues coming to terms with the fact I didn't have any understanding or knowledge of my own heritage, but whatever, eventually I noticed that.

And as I've been working to understand myself and my heritage, so too has Sabe been doing that with his Mahjarrat heritage. But for the longest time, no matter how I put him and Zamorak in the same room in a scene to try and get them to talk it out, it wasn't working. Something wasn't right. Sabe resented being World Guardian, hated having to betray his family, didn't know if he was wanted, and hated himself for having to kill Mah, the mother of his species.

Not that long ago, a few months actually, he informed me (which is my shorthand for 'I suddenly figured out this happened, and it genuinely feels like remembering that one fucking word you have on the tip of your tongue, I always knew and just forgot for a while') that no, he'd been ripped in two by a hope devourer, brought to his father's stronghold, and Zamorak split his magic between mortal and divine in order to get around his godproofing and heal him. Zamorak's intense worry for his youngest son was what caused Sabe to break down and tell him honestly what was going on and how he was feeling, which caused Zamorak to do the same, and they finally, finally made up.

A week later, I noticed the connection between Sabe's Mahjarrat issues and my Irish issues, and started to wonder if he was a linktype.

I mean... he's a self-insert. He makes the choices I would, the me in the here and now, that I think are best. He's not a person I was and still know myself to be, he's not someone I grow into, he's not living his life beside me like a shadow. He's me, choosing the things I do, because I say so. But he's also me in the things he reflects, the things he struggles with, and things I had zero fucking conscious input on.

Sabe is the person I am when a crisis hits and I have to deal with the chaos. Sabe is the person I am when I need to lead. Sabe is the person I am when I am desperate to be known and loved by those I consider family. Sabe is the person I am when I want to be sure in where I came from, where I will return to, and the things that I will always be. Sabe is a man of darkness who knows the light as an acquaintance and nothing more, who is cruel and careless and kind.

Sabe is a warpriest of Zamorakian philosophy, because it took me twenty fucking years to put into words how I see the world, and now that I know, I will argue them to death and use them to help others. Drakath may have wanted a messiah to share the hivemind with others. Sabe is a warpriest, spreading the word and calling home the broken and the damned. He is the Last Rider, not the last of the Ilujanka but the one who keeps riding towards the chaos and never falls, no matter what.

Some of who Sabe is I have conscious input on. A whole lot of him was unintentional and perfectly reflects me.

So when it comes to terminology... I don't know what he is. A self-insert, yes. A linktype, maybe. A kintype, also maybe. Sabe doesn't feel like my past linktypes, because Sabe isn't always catharsis and comfort. Until he made up with his dad, Sabe was brutal and hurt a lot and constantly yearning for his foundation and slowly going mad. It wasn't fun. I just refused to do anything but see the story through. I was going to get it right. I wanted to see it to the end. I wanted to be the Last Rider, even though I didn't phrase it that way.

But to answer your actual question, of what he feels like when I'm not actively being him out of necessity, desire, and active thought. If it fades into the background.

And like... it can? Sabe as he is, recognized for what and who he is, is kind of a new thing. Sabe as a concept is very old, but Sabe as what he is right now is new, and confusing, and honestly I'm still trying to figure out what to make of it.

Like, seriously. Sabe is Zamorak's son. Am I Zamorak's son? Is he keeping an eye on me as I am? Would he be proud of me? Would he offer his approval of my progress? Does that make me, in some way, the World Guardian?

I have not a clue, buddy. Not a goddamn clue.

So what it means is that I've been paying attention, really. I don't just become strong in times of crisis. I've been trying to do better. Be better. Learn, and listen, and rethink myself. Break out of lockstep, of doing things the way I've always done them. Try to always do better than I did, build habits I like, stop waiting for things to change and just do it. Become the chaos, instead of waiting for it to hit me.

It means I need to live up to what Guthix told Sabe to do. It means being gentler, being kinder, not burning bridges when I'm not sure. It means keeping an eye out for any sign Zamorak's listening, in case I am his son, in case I really have to decide what I'm gonna do about being the son of chaos incarnate.

But other than the questioning, what it feels like is just... what I was already dealing with, just a little more at arm's length and easier to deal with. Once I recognize that his issues are reflective of mine, if I solve his, I have a pretty good idea of how to solve mine. Some of it won't work exactly right - Zamorak will always forgive him for not being the son he expected he might have had, my own parents may not, yay I'm queer and pagan - but it's a good rule of thumb.

It's also just comforting to know that when in doubt, nothing can kill me, because I simply refuse to die. I am World Guardian, I am a demigod of chaos incarnate, all the hellfire in the world can do nothing but strengthen me. And if I present those to myself as unshakeable beliefs, because for Sabe they are, then I'll be okay. It probably couldn't stop most disasters or tragedies, but I got hit by a car, broke five bones, and walked away with a record recovery time, so I mean... I can't prove that I can't die by some accident or tragedy, but you also can't prove that I can. (Trying to do so usually falls under what we call 'murder', and I personally believe I can't be murdered. Only assassinated.)

But really, I think the worst that could possibly happen with a new linktype is that you learn what not to do. It's new, it's scary, it's chaotic, and from where I'm standing, that's the best way to learn.

#asks #anonymous #on copinglinking #on voluntary identities #on questioning #my experiences #here have me yelling about runescape and complaining about questioning #You Asked For This #essays of the skyrose garden #actually yeah this is an essay

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cuntess-carmilla · 4 years ago

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You said you were a designer, how is it, do you like it? I've heard all kind of stuff but i'm curious tbh

I have a love-hate relationship with it. Most of my hate of it comes from no job is fun or too doable when you’re chronically ill.

[Chronically ill reasons in case those don’t apply to you and you’re not interested in my sob story]

I have a very hard time being consistent because I still don’t have a proper grasp on how to keep my health afloat so I’m not just taken over by chronic fatigue very unpredictably (and often for long-ish because I rarely have any idea what the fuck I’m doing wrong THIS time), but by brain fog as an immediate consequence of fatigue. Whiiiiiiich is a terrible combination with autistic executive dysfunction.

When I’m in that state even if I do manage to force myself to work, I’m just entirely out of any interesting, creative or even just functional ideas, I’m very likely to not understand shit of what I’m supposed to do, of what I’m doing, and it’s. Hell. More so when it comes to web design since I actually use HTML and CSS coding.

[End of chronically ill reasons]

The rest of my hate is something I know for a fact every graphic designer hates. The fucking industry. Even beyond just how whipped and most likely underpaid you are if you’re working for an agency, company, etc, THE CLIENTS! THE FUCKING CLIENTS. That’s a pain in the ass even if you’re a 100% independent and successful designer.

Design labor is so undervalued both as a concept and monetarily. People who’re not in the field treat it like it’s just doodling and shit, or like the work gets done by itself with a click or two since we use Cool Software. And by God do so many clients have THE WORST taste and ideas of shit.

One thing a lot of people don’t think about (understandably, they’re not in the field after all) is that when you see an awful piece of advertisement or design, not always, but MANY TIMES it has more to do with what the client twisted the advertisers/designers’ hand to do while we cringe than with us actually being THAT bad at our jobs. We suggest “Are you sure this is the direction you want to take? Are you REALLY sure you prefer that option over this one obviously superior option, I mean, I put in the one you’re choosing to force you to choose this one wtf is wrong with you?" and they’re just like... “Yup, that’s what I want and if you don’t make it I’m taking my money elsewhere.” Even when you do propose nothing but good options they’ll often be like “Nah, try again” or “That’s cute but I would like my face to be there occupying 3/4 of the space because I want to show it to my friends oh and I’d like this in neon vomit green please”.

Regarding employers if you’re not self-employed, the people above you will usually honest to God work you into depletion mercilessly. You’re expected to fart out piece after piece after piece on a ridiculous schedule EVEN THOUGH IT’S VERY UNLIKELY THAT THEY’RE PAYING YOU DECENTLY AND THEY’LL “ASK” YOU TO DO SHIT THAT’S NOT DESIGN AT ALL BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO DO IT LEST YOU BE UNCOOPERATIVE AND FIRED.

My first internship had me counting uniforms manually one by one, packaging them with paper and tape, moving across boxes about as big and heavy as me for hours and then mailing them around the fucking country. I was NOT told I was supposed to do that until after I got signed in and it wasn’t a matter of Abuse The Intern either, because the girl who was slightly above me was the one who did that until I got there and they had me still doing that BETWEEN THE DESIGN AND MARKETING ASPECTS OF THE JOB once I was officially employed. For fuck’s sake, part of the reasons why I’m in this sort of field is that I do NOT want to do any sort of physical labor because I can’t do it.

As to what I do love about it. Just the work itself when I’m not feeling like I’m dying. I love aesthetics, I love making things, I love making things pretty and refining things, I love communication and strategy. Granted, I would still not do that much if the industry didn’t suck and capitalism wasn’t a thing because I’m still chronically ill, but God it’d be much happier labor by a million times. It can be so much FUN under the right conditions. I love too when I make something for someone else and they really like it and it works, when I see that someone loves what I made for them. I love making things I’m proud of, too. Which doesn’t happen too often because I’m a self-hating hypercritical Perfectionist™ but still, the few times it happens it feels so good.

#Anonymous

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simptasia · 4 years ago

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lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”. just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot. (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

#and as you can see this is 98% accurate #this is mostly just a summary of these people pfffttt #interjected with memes and orientation headcanons #i haven't made many jokes about sayid or sun or jin or michael #i haven't found them very dunkable #it's not like im avoiding them either #i just work with whatever joke sparks with me #anyways holy SHIT i make so many different kinds of jokes about charlie #you can tell the ones i favour making jokes about from this huh

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weabbynormalblog · 5 years ago

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Tips and key things to help with Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Chronic illness/TBI /mental illness etc.

It's easy to feel alone in it. Depression will effect 3 out of 5 people at some point in thier lives. Depression can be deadly. We need to stop the silence about mental illness. At my worst its really hard to keep positive I am managing. Yes sometimes it sucks to the great beyond and back. I called the help lines when I really needed a professional to talk to, that helped get me through those really dark times. These services save lives. Glad to announce I am no longer suffering from depression. It took 5 years of self reflection and using all kinds of tools, most I will use for the rest of my life and that's ok. I am alive! It is a choice. I chose to listen to my body, when tired or upset you or anyone needs to slow down and rest.

With BBVP, Fibermyalgia and TBI I must move slowly, sometimes I forget and move too fast and I get hurt from loosing my balance. Patience and compassion is needed for our bodies.

There is no cure for Chronic /pain/fatigue yet. We know for sure it will not go into remission unless we can respect our literal physical limits. Energy management is so important for recovery. Get things done as they pop up. Do not procrastinate, it can be your emotional undoing during difficult times. Do things when you have the energy, there's no room for regrets either. Schedule difficult tasks or fun time when you're at your best and ask for help. Break up all physical tasks down to what your comfortable with-toggle with rest. I learnt the hard way. Trying to push past your exhaustion and doing too much can land you in hospital and for sure in your bed; for all the wrong reasons.

Over time I have found out that negating your feelings or minimizing your pain, or being too proud to ask for help just makes it worst. Stress, isolation, feeding the negatives isn't going to help your health either. Cut loose those toxic people in your life. Understand that coming from a place of despair and anger just attracts more of what we don't want. Try your best to stick with the positives. We spend a lot more time in bed than we would like. Use it to your benefit. Research, read and think how to simplify. Plan for tomorrow today. Write out what daily tasks, goals that you would like to accomplish for the next day.

I have found posting encouraging quotes, positive messages around my home helps too.

Stop worrying about getting it all done. Stuff like house work, groceries, bills, laundry, sweeping etc, will always be there and there's alternative available too. Yes keep up with it as best you can. There are times when you got to let that small stuff go too. So I paid my bills 2 days late for various reasons, nothing terrible happened and it ment way less stress for me. Join a support group, it's helping me. I couldn't get out on my birthday this year but I did get a beautiful card from the .org. and when your feeling up to it, they have lots of beneficial activities with other people like us.

Emotions and physical problems countering you, asses your lifestyle, what can I improve? What do I need to be healthy and happy. I had to look at everything. It really helps journaling your tough emotions. Writting about a day in a normal life 5 years from now was a really helpful exercise. Not once did I write about pain or my disability. I was still me, just the crappy stuff didn't matter. I was living the life I wanted despite my afflictions. I've discovered there's a way around stuff if you ponder on it long enough. Inspiration will come. Being happy and healthy in this broken body is possible. To change my perspective I had to look at everything I was doing and what I wasn't. I asked myself what can I control? My sleep, diet, exercise, balance of activities, socializing etc. I started with my diet. It was really hard to eat. I was always feeling like I was about to hurl. Banana Smoothies with berries, pea protein powder and ginger got me through. I also did as much researching my brain would allow. What foods do I need to eat to support good brain recovery, how to treat Fibermyalgia and down the rabbit hole I went.

This is what made a difference for me.

Found some great online free apps for exercise and brain injury that helped keep my moments more productive and helpfull rather than destructive. Cutting out trigger foods 1 by 1. Started eating more and more fresh produce, less processed foods and doing adaptive yoga, Isometric exercise, meditation and practicing mindfulness. I also learned that colouring, games and puzzles are important for us as humans too. Little bit here, a little bit there. I am transforming my life of crisis and adapting it into a life of ease. I'm still a work in progress, but aren't we all? No worries if you still have triggers, extreme moments or have to use memory aids and "other things" for "suport". Often we must do what is necessary to ease our suffering. Like me walking with crutches. I get further on them than I would without them. Give yourself a break. Life is fucking hard sometimes and that's the reality. Learning moments for sure. This is who you are right now, never mind what was in the past, no worries over the future your taking care of your "now" moment. It's a new beginning. A time to redefined. To be curious, helpful and have fun. Acceptance, forgiveness and patience is key when dealing with any kind of illness or tragedy.

You can’t change anyone or anything external, but you can let go, meditate, practice mindfulness, change your responses, take control of that inner critic and allow space for healing.

Success and healing is possible when we treat "all" of us, the body, mind and the spirit, I am not talking about religion here. Your passions, the activities that you enjoy. Learn to sing, start a hobby, pay attention to your wants, thoughts and goals That's the Spirit I'm talking about.

This worked for me-Find compassion and create space for yourself. You do this with slow acceptance of your truth and exposure to dealing and managing triggers. Share your experience, find acceptance for the things you can not change and let it go of negatives. Do the work! Be committed to being the best you possible. We are always learning and changing. Stay positive, be good to others and yourself daily. A good goal is to include more fun in your schedule.

Keys to healing...

1) Support yourself -make a commitment to yourself- put your health first. You must learn to recognize and respect your energy and feelings. All of them, not just the good ones. Get at the root of what you are experiencing. Learn ways can you improve your mood. Listen to your mind and body. Get at the root of your "issue" is it lack, stress, fear, overwhelmed etc. Listen yourself, make strides to deal with the issues as they come up. Accept, confront, understand, integrated or let go. What's the lesson here? How can I improve myself and the situation.

2) Dont isolate yourself. Us humans prefer to be in groups of similar feathers. Chart in fun time just as much as chore time. We all need a little space to unwind and check in with ourselves too. Join a support group or make your own.

3) Tools-Remember to be the observer, to take a step back in times of triggers. Acknowledge and accept. Use breathing technics and meditation. Above all be objective, realistic and simplify in order to meet daily goals.

Chart daily, weekly and monthly schedule. Follow it. Remember to toggle activities,rest, work and hobbies. Use a Schedule, calendar, breathing exercises, practice mindfulness, yoga, resting, eating healthy, exercising your body and mind with healthy pursuits. Be part of your solution.

#tips and support for fibermyalgia #Support for mental illness #Support for brain injury #Diagnosed with Fibermyalgia #Help with depression #BBPV/Verito help #Diagnosed BBPV #Fibromyalgia support

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bigthighsandstupidguys · 5 years ago

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Thank you to the lovely gems @satans-helper @mountainofthesunn @beautifulcinephile @safarimama @gretavanfic for tagging me! <3

1. What is your middle name?

Raquel

2. How old are you?

27, yes I’m ancient in Tumblr years haha

3. When is your birthday?

Feb. 23

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Pisces sun, Aries rising, Scorpio moon.

5. What is your favourite colour?

dark greenish blue, like dark teal I guess.

6. What’s your lucky number?

7. Do you have any pets?

My kitty cat Padmé....and there’s Obi, too, a younger, misbehaving kitty cat.

8. Where are you from?

Southern Arizona (it’s a dry heat!)

9. How tall are you?

5′1 1⁄4 “(you will pry that fourth of an inch from my cold, dead, hobbit sized hands!) also all y’all are tall af! What gives?

10. What shoe size are you?

7 or 7.5 depends on the style of shoe

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

A reasonable amount, I do believe in having shoes for every occasion.

12. What was your last dream about?

I was trying to pair a body suit with a skirt or something to attend a concert, but then a “race of superior humans” took over everything and well, the concert was no longer a priority.

13. What talents do you have?

I like to think I’m a pretty good dancer...

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I have a strong intuition, I think.

15. Favourite song?

Today I am going to say Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty.

16. Favourite movie?

Probably Forrest Gump

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Someone kind and funny. A good human being who’s just trying their best.

18. Do you want children?

I think so, but not for a long, long time.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I got opinions about marriage as an institution...but if I gotta get married I think I’d want it to be somewhere outside.

20. Are you religious?

Not anymore

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Not admitted, just emergency room stuff

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

lol no

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I met an actor from a kid’s soap opera in Mexico once idk his name tho. (and i swear to god I saw Travis Barker from Blink 182 at the San Diego Zoo once, could not confirm tho)

24. Baths or showers?

Showers (but Lush bath bombs are fun and fizzly and smell good)

25. What color socks are you wearing?

barefoot rn

26. Have you ever been famous?

no, but as a toddler my picture was used in a newspaper article lol

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Not really, I just want to be able to wear gorgeous gowns and walk down a red carpet and pose haha. And also be interviewed, I pretend I’m interviewed a lot in my head.

28. What type of music do you like?

I listen to a little bit of everything in spanish and english, but mostly pop, rock, soft rock, oldies, r&b, hip hop. Like shoes, there is also a playlist for every occasion.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

NOT YET!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

four

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

on my tummy, arms under my head, making a four with my legs (if you know, you know)

32. How big is your house?

big enough

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

an egg dish of some kind.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

nerf gun lol

35. Have you ever tried archery?

No, but my middle school BF, Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood was really good at that.

36. Favorite clean word?

luscious

37. Favorite swear word?

Fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

24 hours i think

39. Do you have any scars?

Oh, ya...thanks Padmé

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Not that I know of...

41. Are you a good liar?

Ha! No! My best friend says my voice gets two octaves higher when I’m lying haha

42. Are you a good judge of character?

I believe so, yes.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

I mean, I’ve tried to do British, that’s what happens when you grow up watching LOTR, Harry Potter, and Pirates of the Caribbean over and over lol

44. Do you have a strong accent?

My Spanish and English are unaccented, but i’m sure when i travel to other parts of the country they know I’m “not from ‘round these parts.”

45. What is your favourite accent?

One time I heard a man from Holland speak and I’ve never heard an accent as beautiful since. But usually I like New Zealand accents.

46. What is your personality type?

Chill and funny.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Probably my faux leather jacket

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right-handed?

right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Fuck yeah, especially tarantulas.

52. Favourite food?

Egg rolls

53. Favourite foreign food?

Chinese

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

My personal spaces are messy...there is order in the chaos, though.

55. Most used phrase?

“You guys are bad, bad kitties.”

56. Most used word?

“Ubie” one of the many nicknames for my younger brother.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

about 30 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego?

it exists and is a fickle thing

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

suck and then bite when it’s been weakened lol

60. Do you talk to yourself?

oh yeah

61. Do you sing to yourself?

mmhmm

62. Are you a good singer?

no, not really, but that ain’t gonna stop me

63. Biggest Fear?

living an inauthentic, unfulfilling life.

64. Are you a gossip?

I like to listen to tea being spilled, I just really like a good story.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

The Prestige

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Long

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

I think so

68. Favourite school subject?

History/English

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

71. What makes you nervous?

being thrown into unfamiliar situations

72. Are you scared of the dark?

No (my best friend slept with a night light when we were growing up and it was the worst part of sleeping over, but I weaned her off of it eventually!)

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sure, kindly, the same way I’d like to be corrected.

74. Are you ticklish?

yes

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

yeah, at work. it’s weird, I do not feel like the kind of person who should be in a leadership position. I’ve always thought that was a thing for loud, confident people haha

77. Have you ever drank underage?

yeah

78. Have you ever done drugs?

like weed/edibles lol

79. Who was your first real crush?

Cody in fourth and fifth grade.

80. How many piercings do you have?

seven

81. Can you roll your R’s?

Yes

82. How fast can you type?

pretty fast

83. How fast can you run?

Like if I have a good reason to, my ass will sprint fast.

84. What colour is your hair?

It’s naturally a dark brown, but right now the roots are dark and the rest is lighter because i’m a dumbass who wanted rose gold hair

85. What color is your eyes?

dark brown

86. What are you allergic to?

I think the combination of avocado and tomato causes some kind of reaction because every time I eat it, my lips feel all tingly and swollen.

87. Do you keep a journal?

I have a lot of journals that I occasionally will write in.

88. What do your parents do?

Their best. lol. My dad is a facilities director and my mom can’t work because of her chronic illnesses. But she was a teacher in Mexico, and worked at all kinds of things here before her health got too bad.

89. Do you like your age?

Sure

90. What makes you angry?

assholes lol people who don’t realize or care about the fact that we’re all on the same damn rock with the same needs.

91. Do you like your own name?

I do, yes.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

haha I really like the name Agustín

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

doesn’t matter

94. What are you strengths?

i’m compassionate and love deeply

95. What are your weaknesses?

i’m compassionate and love deeply lmao jk. It can be difficult to set boundaries

96. How did you get your name?

Named after both my grandmothers, they were quite different women and I think I got some of the best stuff from both.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not likely, probably more like merchants. I’m convinced my mom’s side of the family left Spain because of some shaddy stuff haha or to incest in peace lmao

98. Do you have any scars?

Yeah, thanks Padmé

99. Colour of your bedspread?

It’s summer so i’m only using a flat sheet right now, it’s purple.

100. Colour of your room?

blue, specifically the shade azure

Tagging: @lazingonsunday @lantern-inthenight @gretavanfleetlife @littlegeekwonder @dreams-madeof-strawberrylemonade @eatmyshiftsticky @jeordinevankiszka @myownparadise96 @michaalien @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank @okietrish @thebatphone

#about me #tag game #this was long but fun lol

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donnerpartyofone · 6 years ago

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TL;DR - i finally got an MRI for my ear, which has been fucked up and constantly clogged since september and developed tinnitus in february, and apparently, supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it. so there’s nothing to do about it. so just like with my eye and my skin and my lung and my etc, i have a problem that i can’t do anything about, that i can’t even get the satisfaction of a diagnosis for, and i’m so pissed off about how much time and energy i’ve spent trying to improve things for myself when there was absolutely no point in doing so, that i just want to set my body on fire to really show it what i think of it.

i’m so, so mad. the last couple of months have been almost nothing but wall to wall doctor’s appointments, and with zero exception, they have all been a complete waste of time. it hurts because my body tortures me, of course, but it hurts worse than that because i convinced myself that i HAD to do this, that it was Mature to face my fear of doctors and generally the Right Thing to Do, when i absolutely didn’t want to do any of this at all.

i suffer a lot from an internalized impression of myself as being lazy, defeatist, and dramatic. it comes from a lot of places. i grew up in an environment where i was the only open depression sufferer, under one parent who definitely considered depression to be an antisocial behavioral problem, to be treated like any other shallow cry for attention. i also grew up in an environment full of obvious talents, all of whom would go on to be published, or even public figures, and not to be a complete asshole, but the idea that “you can do anything you put your mind to” is kept alive by people who have the baseline talent necessary to succeed at things they put their minds to. if you subscribe to the idea that success requires nothing other than commitment, then the implication is that all failure is a matter of laziness, petulance, and defeatism--never lack, never inferiority, never ordinariness. on top of all this, my personal interests--horror, sexually graphic media, comics, underground music movements, the usual roundup of morbid or antisocial cultural items--were considered pretty much...well, not very adult. so what i’m coming to is that if i can’t prove my adulthood in any way that has to do with who i am or what i’m capable of, then the very least i can do is Be Responsible. (and of course i get made fun of all the time for being an uptight rule follower but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LITERALLY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO)

one of the main ways you can Be Responsible, if you have the means that is, is to look after your health. the world is full of icky, boring, degrading, depersonalizing, and occasionally painful tasks that are necessary to keep the societal cogs turning. if you can’t make art or have ideas or be beautiful or become an athlete or whatever, you can still show that you’re alive and generally hygienic by going to the dmv, voting, showing up for jury selection, or going to the doctor. you can still grasp the final shred of integrity offered to you by doing things no one wants to do, but that we know are necessary for the vitality of self and society. so i’m extra good at doing stuff that people my age frequently shirk--the dentist appointments, the doing your taxes the second the forms come in, etc--because they’re sort of the only things i can do that prove that i’m not, you know, a complete piece of shit.

so this year, at the start of february, i decided i was going to get a real handle on my health. i’d been going to doctors for various things already, of course, even though it was pretty much never satisfying; the only thing i can think of that ever got fixed or explained was the pathological growth of scar tissue over my eyeballs, which required some pretty fucked up surgery. but at this time, i had a lot of problems building up. my left eye developed a small spot, and a constant glare that borders on having double vision. my right ear remained completely stuffed up since i had a cold last fall, and began to ring constantly at the end of the winter. my right lung has felt alarmingly tight and weak for...years actually. the right side of my face is constantly beet red, like i go fresh with somebody’s wife, and i can see how it’s thickening and bending my flesh all out of shape, which rosacea will do progressively and incurably throughout your entire life. i decided that instead of quaking in fear of doctors, and also in fear of wasted time, i was going to straighten my back and go nip this shit in the bud. after all, when you’re miserable but not doing anything about it, people kind of hate you, and then you have THAT problem on top of all your real problems. sometimes you gotta give the people what they want.

so how did it all go?

my skin: since no insurance company considers rosacea a medical problem, which is actually complete fucking bullshit, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i researched what rich people do for their uninsurable problem, and decided to use my recent (traumatic) inheritance to take care of myself. i tried three different preposterously expensive topical treatments that i was told are a “magic bullet” for rosacea, and all of them made my face blow up like a fucking macy’s day balloon. then, after four rounds of extremely expensive, painful and scary laser treatments, i had absolutely no results other than that my face was actually MORE reactive for about a month after the last one. i’m fucked.

my eye: according to my optometrist and ophthalmologist and corneal specialist it’s “just” regular scar tissue from my terrifying surgeries, not the pathological scar tissue that i had to have removed via terrifying surgery and localized chemotherapy. this kind of sucks because it means i can’t just get it removed again, but at least there is a slight chance that my body will reabsorb it like regular scar tissue. (oh yeah? and what’s my luck USUALLY like?) my only “treatment option” is to use eyedrops four times a day, which is actually extremely uncomfortable, and which pretty much means i’m just not allowed to wear makeup ever again.

my lung: after two rounds of clear x-rays and a breathing test that only detected slight asthma, through two GPs and a pulmonologist, nobody has anything to say about why i have this chronic breathing problem. there’s some indication that it might be a “muscular-skeletal problem” that’s putting pressure on the one lung, so i guess i need to add a physical therapist or something to my endless list of specialists.

my ear: two or three trips to urgent care (i forget how many now), two GPs, an ENT, a fucking weird hearing test, and an MRI have done absolutely nothing for me. after a cold with a sinus/ear infection last fall, my right ear remained permanently slammed shut; if i pop it, it closes back up in seconds. i do not have the same problem with the other ear, it is clearly a physical problem. in february, my ear began to ring agonizingly and has not stopped for a second. in all this time, i went through round after round of antibiotics, antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, steroids, etc. nothing works. no one can see any type of problem. apparently i have the option of electing to have a tube surgically inserted into my ear, although i can’t quite figure out what the risk factor is, both for my tinnitus, and for my hearing in general.

and OF COURSE, depression: part of the stigma against depression is that it’s a choice, somehow. like fresh air and exercise and looking on the bright side are so effective that if you’re depressed, it must be because you LIKE IT THAT WAY, because otherwise you would use these simple and free cures for your so-called illness and it would be all over, right? anyway i kind of hate being depressed, and i’ve been working my fucking ass off trying to deal with it. i see a nutritional therapist (a licensed psychiatrist) who prescribed me a number of nutritional supplements that i do think help, but they are unthinkably hard on my stomach. i tried lexapro, and it made me feel so abnormal, and cut into my general quality of life so badly, that i didn’t keep it up. i tried a generic version of wellbutrin, and it made me violently sick to my stomach, and caused my ringing ear to ring deafeningly for days after a single dose. the brand name version wasn’t much better. then i tried lamictal, and felt totally great AND NORMAL for like a week, and then i got the rare and potentially deadly lamictal rash. sometimes this just indicates a basic allergy, and sometimes it indicates Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which causes something called TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS WHICH REQUIRES LONG TERM HOSPITALIZATION TO GROW YOUR SKIN BACK. i had to deal with this on the day of mandatory final exam presentations in a class where i was already struggling, and this was one of the darkest days i can recently remember. after this, my psychiatrist tried to prescribe me abilify, but after i started to hear about the side effects and personal testimony of certain friends, i decided i couldn’t handle it. very possibly, i just cannot be medicated for depression, unless i’m willing to sacrifice everything else around the depression too.

...this is all pretty much a retread of an experience i had for a few years, a few years ago, where i was having these abnormal paps, so they constantly had to drill painful core samples out of my cervix to keep checking up on the NOTHING that was going on in there, until one day they were just like...uh your tests are coming back fine now, and we don’t know why they didn’t before, and it just doesn’t matter, you don’t have to do this anymore PLUS you could have just been sitting on your couch jerking off this entire time and it would have done exactly as much good as this cycle of being humiliated and tortured by doctors in a while that leaves you curled up in a ball sobbing every time. i’m still pretty pissed off about it, if you can’t tell.

so like i don’t know why the fuck i’m doing all this. i don’t know why i do anything. nothing fucking comes from even my most herculean effort except a relentless sense of mystery that is starting to border on satire. i don’t know why i have so many problems. i’m 38 years old and i’m in ok shape. i don’t have generalized immune issues or anything. my doctor said i have some of the best lab work she’s ever seen. why the fuck does all this shit happen to me. i’m trying so fucking hard to enjoy my life. it’s hard to be in mental and physical pain all the time, the latter for absolutely no coherent reason. i mean i’d rather have a bunch of random problems than like, lupus or MS or something, for sure, but everything that happens to me is so meaningless and arbitrary, i’m starting to get that feeling like god hates me. it’s also hard to have the constant feeling that so many people think that failure to enjoy life is exclusively a matter of “not trying hard enough”, being a pill, looking for attention. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m real pissed. i think what i need is a change of philosophy, which will be a long hard road. at least i know it’s the one and only area where i, and only i, have some level of control. wish me luck.

#long post

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tropicalgoon · 6 years ago

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Spoilers for the Homestuck Epilogue below.

First things first, i had caught up reading Homestuck on the exact day the Gigapause started (10/16/13). So long pauses and people arguing about canon was pretty common. Then the comic ended but later we got snapchats. Once the snapchats started coming people were unsure how ‘canon’ the snapchats were. Also

i was surprised with how fast the rest of the Epilogue came out. I figured it would have been drip fed like the comic was but reading it now i can see why that was not the case. If you haven't read the Epilogue i have one thing to say.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONTENT WARNINGS THEY ARE NOT JOKES.

With that out the way, i think the biggest shift in the Epilogue vs the actual comic is that everything is way more mature. While Homestuck was full of angsty, snarky teens and a lot of jokes, ironic and not, the Epilogue overall has a more somber, powerless mood to it.

Also one more thing, i do not have a fav character or ship. So that might be why im upset about how it is.

Now i read the Candy choice first so ill talk about that. Now as soon as i saw the juju i knew it was going to have an effect. And i was right, the juju makes people feel okay with their surroundings and so when John ate it he felt at ease with the chaos his life and friends were becoming. But hoo boy did everyone suck all around.

i knew Gamzee was gonna be back and i was not wrong. i think the whole iVe bEeN GeTtIn mY MoThErFuCkIn rEdEmPtIoN On sO EvErYtHiN I Do iS GoOd was a funny bit but maaaaaan did it get a lil crazy. Jake has always been a doormat and easily manipulated. So nothing too new there but it was nice when he ran off with lil tavros. Also i guess hes the earth c equivalent to a kardashian.

It really surprised me how fast Roxy got together with John. In fact the Candy Roxy is way different than the meat Roxy. i guess thats the juju at work. Rose was sick with an “illness” but soon after the candy was ate she got “better”. What actually happened was she stopped trying to open her mind to the infinite degree and just let herself live in the moment and be truly happy. It was nice to see her and Kanaya have a happy life, at least until everything went bad. As for Dirk i felt bad for him because he always had that whole meta textual self importance thing going on so when he offed himself i was like oh no. Its nice that him and Dave had bro-sesions.

And now time to talk about Jade, Dave, and Karkat. It feels like Dave and Karkat have mostly stayed the same with a few big differences.1) they both are a little less insufferable, 2) Karkat has accepted he is a leader and 3) their tip toeing around relationships was kinda annoying. Which brings me to Jade. She was butting into all three of their relationships trying to force them to admit feelings. While ive seen some people say Hussie killed Jade i personally dont think so. Jade was always a headstrong, stubborn person who would go after what she wanted and i mean she was on an island by herself for most of her life if she wants to have fun let her.

Jane really went off the deep end. Which i dont think was so far off her canon personality in the comic. Her denying being xenophobic while being incredibly xenophobic was funny but also pretty real. While i didnt like they way she interacted with Jake it honestly fits in with what happens in the comic. (the trickster stuff, the crockercorp kidnapping). Her whole shadowy rise to hidden power was inevitable also i feel like she was really echoing the Condense on earth. Allowing Gamzee to spread his faith while funneling her wealth and fame into passing the policies and laws she wants. I do not think its out of character for her and Dirk to hate trolls since their lives were so affected by them.

Johns depression clouding his judgement and making him not want to react was sad to read. It really felt like he was just drifting around, letting all of the situations and chaos just wash over him. So when he was talking to Terezi and she helped him make sense of things it was a nice turn of pace.

Speaking of Terezi, its sad how long she went chasing after (Vriska). As of this moment i dont really think the quadrant system is really in place anymore (at least relationships with humans in it). With John and Terezi talking to each other it really felt like blackrom. “1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y”. It is sad her obsession with finding (Vriska) led to her dying in the void.

Seeing Aradia and Sollux was a surprise but they really didnt add much to anything (esp. Sollux). It was kinda funny how much of a dickhead Cade (Calliope Jade) was towards her. Cade was interesting. i really feel like she acts like she did in the comic.

(Vriska) returning was also not a surprise. She THE most known character. Of course she would be back, but not by her own accord. She wants the spotlight, she HAS to have it. Now that she is trapped on earth c she is now out of canon and so she is out of the spotlight. Thats why she was wailing about needing to SEE it. I think its kinda funny she ends up having a quick fling with Gamzee, and he tries to sell her on his redemption arc bullshit. It really shows how far her obsession has let her fall.

And now its time for meat. Honestly im glad i read candy first because meat was really nice to read after candy. As i said with candy, i figured meat would be the more active of the two (duality like the cherubs).

First off it was really nice to see how much Dave believes in Karkat and how he thinks Karkat would be leader earth c NEEDS. In Meat they still have their relationship drama with themselves and Jade. I really feel like shes slightly more direct in this one. After the blowup

John dealing with Roses instructions, finding and bringing together the younger versions of themselves so they could go fight a younger Caliborn and getting sucked into the the house juju was not a surprise since its been theorized thats what would happen. Of course Rose did not warn him, or even tell him what to do. Even when the younger versions of Johns friends die and get hurt he still tries to save them.

Jake is a very powerful figure in the new earth, he doesnt even realize it. Which leads to everyone trying to get him on their sides. I honestly feel like this is partly his page powers (but then again the classes and aspects dont mean all that much) but he has always been unconfrontational and a doormat. Dirk, Jane, Dave, and Karkat only want to use him for his ass and fame so they can further their agendas.

i think its rather fitting that (Vriska) doesnt get to see how the battle against Lord English ended. It was GREAT to see Davepetasprite^2 make a comeback and fight Lord English. She KNOWS the final battle isnt her battle but she is still THE ONE who turns the tide. She’s the one who has brought the winning piece so its still a victory of hers by proxy. Also she does not have the talk with Vriska (rose and kanayas kid) on a clown throw pillow so she does not get to do the self reflection she needs. Instead she gets sucked into a black hole.

The Jane and Dirk combo was not surprising, they both had the hangups about Jake and i feel like it ended the same way. Once they got what they wanted it was no longer exciting, or mysterious. But reading the political sabotage and Dirks plans coming together made me realize he was using her for his own gains too.

Now the whole Rose dying because her physical body couldn't contain the infiniteness of infinity was truly heartbreaking. Especially when Dirk was fucking with Kanaya. i do not know how much of Rose was being manipulated by Dirk and how much was her wanting to end her chronic suffering(2real4me). Addressing all of the....implications around those two. i really do not think they ran off to be together. i believe Rose is the first person Dirk has really connected with on a actual personal level. From what ive seen he does not really treat people as well... people. I think him and Rose are feeling the, “i am the only real person here and everyone else is a puppet” feeling John and Terezi was talking about. But unlike John, Dirk was never one to sit idly by, hes a mechanic after all. All the pieces have to be in place.

The whole bit with Cade and dirk taking control of the narrative was something i feel like has been building up for a long while. The unreliable narrator has been established a few times in the comic, in friendsim, and now in the epilogue. But it does raise a good question about who has been narrating the story and can they be trusted to give us the truth. We saw Dirk acknowledge that he is not unbiased and says things as he sees it. Cade says shes unbiased and just gives the whole truth but all i can think about is how she made Jane carefully cradle the juju and put it on the mantle. Watching Dirk outsmart Cade was defiently exciting to read. I cannot wait to see where all of this is leading to.

Do i think thats the end of both of Davepetasprite^2 and Lord English? No, as the comic has always said,” Don’t turn your back on the body.” We dont know where they ended up but we’ll just have to wait for more to come out and i cant wait. Does Rose, Dirk, and Terezi (i guess) have an agenda, yes. Do i have any goddamn idea what that is? Nope, and im fine with that. Overall i enjoyed both of them.

#homestuck #epilogue #i didnt mention eridan feferi or actual tavros cuz they have mostly been jokes so i was not expecting them to suddenly get respect #esp eridan #also this is kinda rambly so feel free to tldr

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