#being a people pleaser out of fear especially one too depressed to Actually people please atm is uh. hard to say the least

[chainsawworld]

I've been having a very strange predicament recently and I think. I think this might entirely kill any hope I had at learning any emotional regulation skills

[boydsfm]

❛ ✶ ( ALEX WOLFF , CIS MALE , HE/HIM )  —  did you see LUCAS BOYD walking around campus earlier ? i hear a lot of people talking about the NINETEEN year old SOPHOMORE . from what i know , they are studying COMPUTER SCIENCE and are a part of PHI KAPPA DELTA . they come across as + KIND-HEARTED but also - TIMID , which makes since because on their instagram ( LUCAS.V.BOYD ) it says they are a VIRGO . when i see them , i think of A DESK COVERED IN EMPTY COFFEE MUGS, DANDELIONS GROWING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK, THE UGLIEST GODDAMN SWEATERS YOU’VE EVER SEEN. the most interesting thing i’ve heard about them though , is the fact that REDACTED  , but don’t tell anyone i told you that . ooc info . ally . 22 . est . she/her .

hello hello hellooooooooooooooo. i’m ally, i’m from canada, and i’m addicted to tik tok i’m so excited to be here!! this has been an opportunity to bring back an old and beloved muse of mine, one lucas victor boyd ! if you like this, i’ll hyu on discord, or you can hmu at known simp harry hook#3923. 

statistics.

full name. lucas victor boyd  nickname(s). just lucas. not luke or lou, just lucas.  occupation. undergraduate student, beaumont campus tech support  age. nineteen. date of birth. september 2nd, 2001.  nationality. american. ethnicity. ashkenazi jewish, scottish. orientation. gay. gender & pronouns. cis male; he/him/his.

height. 6′0”. weight. 145 lbs. eye color. hazel. hair color + style. dark brown; usually messy and curly. he gets it cut short at the beginning of the semester and then by the end its a mop. really doesn’t style it.   dominant hand. right-handed. distinguishing features. distinctive nose, lanky figure, messy curls, undereye bags, that cute li’l mole. 

background. (tw alcoholism, death of a parent) 

SO. lucas was born in portland, maine, to a pretty lower middle class family. his father left when he was two years old, and he was largely raised by his mother, florence weber. 

florence was a hardworking and loving mother, but she was also quite depressed her entire life. she was a recovered alcoholic when she met judas, lucas’s father, but once he left, she slowly slid back into her old habits. 

by the time lucas was eight, he was having to start to pick up some household responsibilities. cooking, cleaning, packing his own lunch. waking his mom up in time for her shifts at target. 

by the time he was in middle school, he’d learned how to forge her signature on cheques, he’d applied for unemployment for her after she got fired, and he was taking any odd job to make money. 

school was his favorite distraction; he was always a brilliant kid, and if it weren’t for the fact he was already a terribly shy and awkward kid, he could have skipped a couple grades. he threw himself into schoolwork to avoid everything; his mother’s worsening condition, his crippling loneliness, his fear that he might be as gay as every one of his bullies insisted. 

this was, also, around when he picked up his most lucrative but troublesome odd job; hacking into the school board network to get test answers. he could get fifty dollars per person per test, and he was able to buy groceries besides beans and rice, was able to buy new clothes for himself and his mom. he felt awful about it every day, but... he still did it.

(death tw) at sixteen, when he found his mom motionless and cold on the floor of their apartment, he buried himself in his work, too. he couldn’t help but feel guilty, though; it was his work, his taking care of everything that had allowed his mom to keep her addiction up for this long.

so, yeah. there’s a very good reason why he doesn’t go back to portland anymore. he spent last summer in cambridge. well, that and his Secret. 

since the beginning of his freshman year, lucas has had something of a glow-up. he signed up for the school’s counselling services before he even got to campus, and he’s been making great strides. 

additionally, he pledged phi kappa delta, which... he never saw himself pledging a frat, ever in his life. but all the guys there were so... cool. and so supportive and nice and... and they’re like the brothers lucas never had. having that little family has helped him gain that much more confidence in himself. 

personality. 

if there was an onion headline for lucas’s life it would be Nervous Wreck Slowly Becomes a Functional Human Being.

very virgo, very type a. but also a pisces moon cancer rising. so he needs everything to be in alphabetical order or he’ll cry.

ever since he’s started college, he’s transitioned from being As Plain As Possible to being more outwardly soft as he’s gained confidence in himself. he wears the dorky sweaters and neat socks he likes, he has a small collection of plants on his desk, he knits scarves for his friends. big hufflepuff energy. again, this comfort largely comes from the acceptance he’s found at phi kappa delta.

slowly getting over his Big Anxiety. slowly learning how to talk to people. still awkward at parties. still has panic attacks every day during exam season. but he adores his therapist and takes his zoloft every day and he’s… he’s doing alright.

there are things he is sure of. his intelligence, his diligence, his ability to get shit done. he’s recently mastered asking fellow customers to please be kind to servicepeople.

still he’s that guy who doesn’t want to tell the waiter they got his order wrong.

he’s literally highkey fucking brilliant. he’s literally at the top of his class in one of the most difficult programs at one of the most difficult universities in the country. 

a chronic people pleaser up until the point that it breaks his moral code. like if you want him to help you cheat or help you toy with someone he will put his foot down. he’ll do it very softly, but he won’t budge.

(though he is known to do mathematics and computer science homework for his friends when they’re overtired. he’s always the one to offer in that case, though.)

the rare gay who is extremely capable in math. legit he gets so excited about math it’s actually really cute.

theres a part of him that still believes in magic, to some capacity. he still wishes on shooting stars and pennies on the ground and dandelions. 

his greatest strength and fatal flaw is that he sees the best in people. even if he knows you tried to hurt him, he will give chance after chance.

(but he works in tech support rn So. he’s slowly losing his belief in humanity.) 

in conclusion, here are some tik toks that describe lucas 

him in kindergarten

he can’t write i’m so sorry

 just.... the Vibes 

wanted connections. 

skinny love. lucas is extremely shy, especially in romantic situations. he cannot flirt to save his goddamned life. he also probably thinks this person is out of his league. (honestly i want a romantic plot for him so bad gimME) 

close friends. GIVE HIM FRIENDS FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD he’s such a good friend he just wants to love people.

lawyer for real life. based off this john mulaney bit. someone who reminds lucas that someone is mistreating him.

lab partner. idk man i just like that easy camaraderie. or maybe they make lucas do all the work in which case he will eventually snap.

tutoree. someone that lucas basically helps out of the good of his heart.

bad influence. someone get this boy TURNT

manipulator. lucas does have a bit of a backbone, but he is incredibly naive and very easily manipulated. basically he will do your stats assignments for you if you say he’s your friend.

academic rival. lucas is not typically an antagonistic person, but having someone be so obviously smarter than him grinds his gears a little bit. his mood when talking to this person is :))))))))))

literally anything pls i’m desperate and he’s baby

[tremblinglionheart]

4. Zodiac Sign: Virgo 5. Biggest Fear: Being abandond by my friends 6. Strength/Weakness: My positiv outlook on life maybe? My weakness is definitely yelling. I hate it when people yell. It gives me panic attacks. 16. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping  17. When was the last time you laughed hard: Yesterday I think 26. What is your ideal occupation: lecturer at university. It has all the benefits of being a teacher (teaching people, talking about interesting things, helping people grow as a person) without the disadvantages of a teacher (parents, children...) 27. Beer, wine, or liquor? Don’t really like either but if I had to choose I would take liquor  34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? I only know Cat Woman so I guess her.  42. Favorite song? Impossible to choose...  43. Favorite movie? The Ninth Gate (with Jonny Depp) 46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? Go to work I think.  47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? That my family and friends all secretly hated me and wanted me gone and that I was just a burden to the whole damn world. Luckily, no. I don’t feel like this anymore.  48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? I don’t know which one it is exactly but the law that says that teenagers and young adults that apply for social benefits more or less need their parents consent for that. I know why they put it up but I know more then 3 people who applied for social benegits because their parents revused to feed and shelter them and just threw them out on the street. Those parents obviously didn’t consent to their children getting benefits so they had to fend for themselves and one of my friends was homeless two years because of that.  50. Where would you take a road trip? Scotland or Ireland 54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Beating depression 55. What scares you about your future? The uncertainty 56. Why does pizza come in square box? Because it’s easier to produce and store 57. What would happeny if you knew you could not fail? Probably nothing because I would doubt that knowledge 58. How does it feel to be photographed? Like nothing I think? I’m the person that never stays still on photos so I don’t worry too much on how it would look. 61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? Depends. I’m enough of a people pleaser but if something is important or someone else might get hurt I don’t hesitate to stand up.  62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? Study and work at university and probably spent my free time sewing fancy dresses for my friends (yes, I love to sew, especially dresses xD) 63. What are you thankfull for, this moment? My cup of tea, my new glasses and to be able to breath without pain 72. What color is your hair naturally? That weird color between blond, brown and grey that doesn’t look like a color at all 74. What is you favorit color to wear? Black and if it doesn’t count as color probably red 75. Do you have any piercings? Yes. 8 ears piercings 76. Do you have tattoos? Two 77. Do you care how other people see you? Depends on my mood. If I’m having a good day, not exactly, if I’m having a bad day or feel insecure about myself, yes. 79. How do you feel about age difference in relationships? It#s ok as long as the both people have passed a certain age. A difference of 5 or 10 years is fine if both are adults. If one is bellow 18 it is kind of creepy (one your or 2 are ok, but everything above that is weird) and children (everyone bellow 12) shouldn’t be in a relationship anyway 80. How do you feel about race difference in relationships? It doesn’t matter 81. Do you believe in karma or fate? Both in a way. But I believe fate doesn’t mean everything is scripted. I believe fate throws chances at us and what we make of them is out choice  82. Do you keep a journal? Yes 83. Describe the last dream you remember: That is hard. I only remember parts. It was something with Harry Potter and I was running around in a town with Lupin and Sirius and I think there were shapeshifting frogs that were eating humans? It was weird. Oh, and there was a dog that was like our guide and constantly talking about what we had to do. And I could do magic (but utterly failed at it xD) 84. Describe your favorite dream: I don’t have one. The only dreams I clearly remember are nightmares, but everything with magic that isn’t a nightmare is cool  85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Ireland, Scotland, Norway, Iceland 86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? In a year. Mera Luna. It’s a festival but the only thing with concerts planned right now. 87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? Many things. Often Rise Against or Fall out boy 88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? Bring me the Horizon 89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Yes 105. Opinion on abortion? Though question. I think it’s up to the woman. It’s her body afterall, but I think the father should at least have some say if he wants to keep the child and promises to provide for it (given the woman and the child aren’t in danger for medical reasons) 106. Opinion in immigrants/immigration reform? Even thougher... I guess  a reform would not be bad but chances are high that the governemnt would screw that up and make things worse instead of better. And generally, I think most states are in a way or other immigration states. People have always traveled and moved to different countries. People had centuries to get used to it.   107. Should prostitution be legalized? No. It would be used by many bad people to surpress and abuse others.  110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? That people start seeing skin color, religion, sexuality and gender as just another property of their fellow humans. Like hair color or height. You know, stop treating it as a trait and acting like those things actually have any influence on who the person is.    111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work yould make you rich? Probably selling choclate 112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes 116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because religion is often only used as a tool or excuse to achive something completely different and unrelated  117. What would you du differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Probably out myself and change my name in an instant. 118. Were you happy when you woke up today? Tired. But I guess I wasn’t feeling bad. Does that count as happy? 128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? All three of them, depending on the issue, people involved and my mood 134. Background on your cell phone? A picture of me and two friends of mine making silly faces 135.What are you thinking about right this second? That these are very many questions, that I’m warm and sweating and if I should get another cup of tea 136. Last book you read? How was it? From a Low and Quiet Sea. It was rather depressing and made me feel off. It was interesting enough but I wouldn’t read it again  172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26

For: @you-better-rvn

[luxnovalibra]

Libra & Emotion ♎️🎭

(I’m not a professional but I’m a Libra Sun, Libra Moon, with Libra Dominance, and a 7th house stellium so I think this comes from a place of first hand experience)

Libra suns, like other air signs, do tend to detach from their emotions but not in the same way. Libra hates conflict. They hate tension and uneasiness. They need stability and reliability. Because emotions can be unpredictable, Libras feel the need to water their feelings down. Think of it as a filter. They try to rationalize and sort each emotion, find out the source, and put it into its proper place. So say if someone was rude to Libra, instead of reacting like their sister sign Aries would, Libra would accept the rudeness and then continue about their day thinking how and why that happened.

Libra also tends to put their feelings on a larger context. They ask themselves, I feel this way because this happened to me, but doesn’t everyone feel this exact way when this happens? So by concluding that everyone experiences a certain feeling, Libra decides they don’t need that feeling. If emotions don’t help a Libra, they get rid of them. And by get rid of them, I mean they either try to rationalize them so they don’t exist or they just try to ignore it.

Libra will ‘reject’ feelings if they do not believe they have the right to feel that way. For example, if a single Libra sees a cute couple they might have a pang of envy and feel resentment towards the couple in love. But then Libra will go “oh this is just my own bitterness, they haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just being unreasonable” and they’ll tell themselves to stop feeling like that.

Libra will also pick and choose what emotions to experience based on their environment. This sounds really weird I know. But if they’re in a group and everyone is wild and goofy and impulsive, Libra will match their behavior and try to match their emotions. For example, I won’t be excited about a something until someone else is and I feed off their energy.

Libra moons are a little more difficult to understand. They filter their feelings based on what’s “just and proper,” what benefits those around them, and what benefits themselves. Libra moon will choose to delete emotions they don’t know how to deal with. They also tend to never talk about their feelings. Or, and I’m guilty of doing this, will complain about small things so that their friends won’t ask what’s REALLY wrong on a deeper level (because if I never complained about anything, they would be concerned). Libra moons will avoid talking about their feelings. They like to help others though and by helping others, they learn about themselves. They can sometimes act as therapists, asking others how they feel about a certain situation and then those Libra moons will apply what they learned to their own lives.

After talking to other Libra moons on here, I’ve learned that I’m not alone in that Libra moons often feel hollow. Like there’s a cavern in our hearts. Most days it feels unfillable. Our emotions can overwhelm us and so we feel numb. Happiness is dulled, sadness is dulled until everything feels “meh.” There are many days when by all accounts we should be happy or excited but aren’t. It’s like eating bittersweet candy. You don’t really understand the flavor. It has both the sweetest and the sour mixed up together. Our emotions get all jumbled up together, we have trouble trying to separate them because we see how things can have both pros and cons.

Many Libra moons (and suns and 7th house stelliums) feel a continual longing. Specifically, longing for a relationship. There’s an incessant need for partnership, for a companion, to be understood. When that isn’t being fulfilled, it makes our lives imbalanced, throwing our emotions even farther off balance. At the end of the day, despite deflecting attention onto others, we secretly need love and a lot of it. The angsty phrase “I build walls just to see who cares enough to climb over” really applies here. Yes, we give other people a lot of attention. Part of that is to weed out who just likes us to listen and who actually wants to listen to us. We sort out the people who use us for validation from the people who actually care about us. When we find that there’s way more people who only use us, we can become depressed. There’s nothing quite as disheartening to a Libra moon than realizing that all your friends and family don’t ever stop to genuinely wonder how you’re doing. Despite Libra being called the fakest sign, we put that front up on purpose just to see who’s brave enough to look underneath. And unfortunately, very few people are willing to do so. Libra is a people pleaser and will seek companionship even if it is only superficial, but we will never be satisfied until we get that soulmate level connection we are looking for.

EDIT: thanks to @airmom I was reminded of a couple more key features When we do accept our emotions for what they are, it can be extremely hard to let go of them. It becomes like a grudge. Years can go by but when reminded of a situation, our feelings are just as strong as the day it originally happened. Libras tend not to hold grudges, but when they do, they hold them forever. Betrayal really hits home with this sign. If you betray a Libra’s trust, they may act like everything’s fine, they might still be friends with you, you might never even know your actions upset them, but Libras will never truly forgive you for it. This type of resentment just builds up over time. And Libras know logically that they should just get over it, but won’t. (Never tell a Libra “That was years ago, just get over it.” We can’t. We won’t. We’ll hate you for saying this because it implies we haven’t tried. We’ve tried moving on, and we already water down so many of our other emotions, just let us have this, ok?) Libras also will push to the side stuff they don’t want to deal with. They shove it into their closet so to speak. They won’t speak about it or acknowledge that it’s even there. But eventually the closet gets full and it all comes bursting out. Libras can be volcanoes. One little thing can set them off. If a Libra ever snaps seemingly out of nowhere, it’s because they’ve put off dealing with their emotions. Likely, they’re not mad at one little thing, but rather a whole month or year’s worth of frustrations. So if a Libra yells at you, it’s best just to shut up and listen. If they’re in this frame of mind and you start arguing back, they will never ever ever open up to you again. If a Libra actually trusts you enough to tell you what they’re feeling and you try to argue with them or put the blame on them, know that you’ll never earn their trust back. Ever. The next day they might act completely normal, but know this is a front and that they are mentally stabbing you. Again I just want to reiterate here that Libras do not often publicly express their anger (for fear of how others will react) so if they cry or scream in front of you, they’re at their most vulnerable and need your support. Most of the time, support in that situation is just shutting up and listening. Don’t give advice unless they ask. Just nod. Just care. And if they’re up for it, give them a hug. Not a wimpy one. A real hug. Squeeze them and tell them you love them. Libras just want to be understood.

Libras (especially moons) are daydreamers. This is a way out of dealing with reality. Libras escape in their fantasies. They write novels, direct movies, become superheroes, act out music, etc all in their heads. They’ll imagine real life situations over and over. This is why when things don’t go according to plan, they’ll become frustrated. Sometimes they just wish people could read their thoughts because it’s just hard to communicate them. The on,y time you’ll ever find a Libra unfiltered is in their fantasies. It’s the one place they let themselves be free and selfish. The world demands so much of them, their daydreams are their only escape. Libra has a strong martyr complex too. If they can’t find their inner peace, they’ll help you find yours. If they can’t be happy, they’ll try to cheer you up. If they haven’t laughed in ages, they’ll tell jokes until your eyes water and stomach hurts from giggling. They know what hollowness is like, what chaos and imbalance and self hatred is like. They help you be strong so they can tell themselves they will be strong one day too.

Because Saturn exalts in Libra, many Libras feel extreme self-hatred, unworthiness, guilt for no reason, and fear they will be dependent forever. This complex relationship between Saturn and Venus (which is Libra’s main ruler) creates tension. There’s a pull between wanting the beautiful things out of life like clothes, romance, confidence with feeling like they are undeserving of it. — Please be gentle with Libras.

[ravenmorganleigh]

25 Things You Do as an Adult When You’ve Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can manifest differently

It leaves scars, pain, and sorrows that you don’t remember having. Especially when it happens in your childhood. As an adult you have the stability to handle it, but as a kid? It stays with you for the rest of your life.

But how exactly do you behave when you’re emotionally abused as a child? TheMighty recently asked their community about it and the results were heartbreaking.

#1 Conflict

“[I] can’t stand conflict, loud sudden noises, shouting and screaming or aggression in any form. [It] triggers my fight or flight, instantly.”

#2 Compliments

“I can’t accept compliments. When someone [compliments] me, my response would just just be ‘umm yeah’ or I’ll just smile awkwardly. I just figured out why… During my childhood, people just [noticed] my mistakes and not my achievements. So now it is hard for me to accept compliments.”

#3 Achievements

“I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.”

#4 Paranoia

“I always feel like I am doing everything wrong… It’s very hard to convince me I am good at something.”

#5 Apologetic

“I become apologetic over everything. If someone doesn’t text back, I’ll believe they’re upset with me, and I’ll apologize. If I ask for something and annoy them, I’ll apologize. Everything becomes a situation where I feel like I’m to blame.”

#6 Asocial

“I’m basically a hermit. My home is my fortress. I have BPD, PTSD and anxiety. It’s so hard to work or apply myself in school or just life when every time I want to apply myself, I can’t help but run to the nearest exit to catch my breath. I constantly fear everyone around me.”

#7 Trust issues

“I have problems trusting people. I keep people at [an] arm’s length. I never really let them into my life. I don’t allow them to know of my health problems and my mental illnesses. If I do let them in, it is rare and they [will] have known me for years. It takes a long time [for me] to build trust.”

#8 Incapable of making decisions

“Indecisiveness. [It feels like] every choice I make is wrong even if I choose the option I’m told to take…I’m afraid to [be a] parent because I don’t want to ‘mess up’ my kid.”

#9 Prefer not to hurt feelings even if it’s true

“I avoid saying anything that others might not agree with, which means I’m never being myself. I wear a mask of complete neutrality in any situation, because I’m so scared of anyone feeling negative towards me.”

#10 Defensive

“I’m very defensive which can come across cold or nasty. I also portray quite a lot of negativity which seems to be my barrier so I don’t get hurt.”

#11 Rejecting love

“I have trouble accepting any kind of love because growing up, it was always given with strings attached or used a tool for manipulation. I don’t trust that others have the capacity to love me unconditionally, so I hide away parts of myself, never allowing myself to experience the vulnerability that comes with being loved, chosen and accepted by others.”

#12 People pleaser

“I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past.”

#13 Explaining everything

“I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I’m lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation. Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”

#14 Don’t ask for help

“I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”

#15 Growing attached

“[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

#16 Shy

“I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”

#17 Hiding parts of yourself

“[I] won’t let anyone see the ‘bad’ side of myself.”

#18 Low self-esteem

“I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood…1 I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.”

#19 Low self-worth

“My whole childhood was emotional abuse. It is extremely hard for me to accept I have people in my life who actually care about me. That’s the worst one. I am nothing to myself so why would I matter to others?”1

#20 Don’t make eye contact

“I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I look away a lot when I’m speaking. I get startled very easily and it takes me awhile to get my heart rate back to normal.”

#21 Anxiety and depression

“I have major issues with anxiety and depression because of my childhood. The biggest factor is I cannot communicate well and I don’t know how to express my feelings with others because I am so used to just holding them inside because I wasn’t allowed to share how I felt. When tense situations arise, I get nauseous and uncomfortable, [and] my anxiety levels sky rocket. Definitely have a lot of emotional scars from my past, it’s been the hardest thing to conquer.”

#22 Pacifism

“I never, ever fight back. I may cut toxic people out of my life with the help of amazing friends and professionals, but whenever a conflict is actively going on that involves someone attacking my character… I completely shut down. I let whatever they want to say wash over me until they tire themselves out. That’s what I had to do when I was younger. It was so much worse to fight back. I learned to let them yell themselves out.”

#23 Take responsibility for things not your fault

“Blaming myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough, which makes things like school, dating and applying to jobs really hard.”

#24 Don’t know the kind of person you are

“I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”

#25 Unbridled anger

“Several things, but the main one was lashing out on social media for years. Controversial and angry statuses, just due to the anger inside of me. I have texts I sent my friend where I described just how much I felt this unsettling anger in my chest. Emotional abuse from peers at school to family [can] really [mess] you up. I then finally found a therapist who could help me and I’ve come a long way.”

[taking-it-one-day-at-a-time]

25 Things You Do as an Adult When You’ve Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can manifest differently. It leaves scars, pain, and sorrows that you don’t remember having. Especially when it happens in your childhood. As an adult you have the stability to handle it, but as a kid? It stays with you for the rest of your life.But how exactly do you behave when you’re emotionally abused as a child? TheMighty recently asked their community about it and the results were heartbreaking.

#1 Conflict “I can’t stand conflict, loud sudden noises, shouting and screaming or aggression in any form. [It] triggers my fight or flight, instantly.”

#2 Compliments “I can’t accept compliments. When someone [compliments] me, my response would just just be ‘umm yeah’ or I’ll just smile awkwardly. I just figured out why… During my childhood, people just [noticed] my mistakes and not my achievements. So now it is hard for me to accept compliments.”

#3 Achievements “I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.”

#4 Paranoia “I always feel like I am doing everything wrong… It’s very hard to convince me I am good at something.”

#5 Apologetic “I become apologetic over everything. If someone doesn’t text back, I’ll believe they’re upset with me, and I’ll apologize. If I ask for something and annoy them, I’ll apologize. Everything becomes a situation where I feel like I’m to blame.”

#6 Asocial “I’m basically a hermit. My home is my fortress. I have BPD, PTSD and anxiety. It’s so hard to work or apply myself in school or just life when every time I want to apply myself, I can’t help but run to the nearest exit to catch my breath. I constantly fear everyone around me.”

#7 Trust issues “I have problems trusting people. I keep people at [an] arm’s length. I never really let them into my life. I don’t allow them to know of my health problems and my mental illnesses. If I do let them in, it is rare and they [will] have known me for years. It takes a long time [for me] to build trust.”

#8 Incapable of making decisions “Indecisiveness. [It feels like] every choice I make is wrong even if I choose the option I’m told to take…I’m afraid to [be a] parent because I don’t want to ‘mess up’ my kid.”

#9 Prefer not to hurt feelings even if it’s true “I avoid saying anything that others might not agree with, which means I’m never being myself. I wear a mask of complete neutrality in any situation, because I’m so scared of anyone feeling negative towards me.”

#10 Defensive “I’m very defensive which can come across cold or nasty. I also portray quite a lot of negativity which seems to be my barrier so I don’t get hurt.”

#11 Rejecting love “I have trouble accepting any kind of love because growing up, it was always given with strings attached or used a tool for manipulation. I don’t trust that others have the capacity to love me unconditionally, so I hide away parts of myself, never allowing myself to experience the vulnerability that comes with being loved, chosen and accepted by others.”

#12 People pleaser “I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past.”

#13 Explaining everything “I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I’m lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation. Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”

#14 Don’t ask for help “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”

#15 Growing attached “[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

#16 Shy “I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”

#17 Hiding parts of yourself “[I] won’t let anyone see the ‘bad’ side of myself.”

#18 Low self-esteem “I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood… I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.”

#19 Low self-worth “My whole childhood was emotional abuse. It is extremely hard for me to accept I have people in my life who actually care about me. That’s the worst one. I am nothing to myself so why would I matter to others?”

#20 Don’t make eye contact “I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I look away a lot when I’m speaking. I get startled very easily and it takes me awhile to get my heart rate back to normal.”

#21 Anxiety and depression “I have major issues with anxiety and depression because of my childhood. The biggest factor is I cannot communicate well and I don’t know how to express my feelings with others because I am so used to just holding them inside because I wasn’t allowed to share how I felt. When tense situations arise, I get nauseous and uncomfortable, [and] my anxiety levels sky rocket. Definitely have a lot of emotional scars from my past, it’s been the hardest thing to conquer.”

#22 Pacifism “I never, ever fight back. I may cut toxic people out of my life with the help of amazing friends and professionals, but whenever a conflict is actively going on that involves someone attacking my character… I completely shut down. I let whatever they want to say wash over me until they tire themselves out. That’s what I had to do when I was younger. It was so much worse to fight back. I learned to let them yell themselves out.”

#23 Take responsibility for things not your fault “Blaming myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough, which makes things like school, dating and applying to jobs really hard.”

#24 Don’t know the kind of person you are “I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”

#25 Unbridled anger “Several things, but the main one was lashing out on social media for years. Controversial and angry statuses, just due to the anger inside of me. I have texts I sent my friend where I described jus2t how much I felt this unsettling anger in my chest. Emotional abuse from peers at school to family [can] really [mess] you up. I then finally found a therapist who could help me and I’ve come a long way.”

- Source : RearFront http://www.rearfront.com/childhood-emotional-abuse-as-adults/?utm_source=raj&utm_medium=partner&utm_campaign=raj

[whydoyouthinkileft]

 I made a post in January about how I basically write Jemma in the autistic spectrum even if not officially (I’m still researching) but because the list was very long and I bolded the traits she had, I want to put here the list of only those traits as reference - the full post is here, I kept all the traits there in case people were curious like me, though it’s not meant for self-diagnosis  (then again, I don’t know why I’m so hesitant with writing about it officially - even if it’s not canon, there is nothing wrong with more representation of all kinds.)

under the cut because it’s too long this mostly refers to the way I write her... but there is a lot of canon Jemma too

May be difficult to understand subtle emotions (unless she’s explained why someone is acting the way he is)

Finds difficult managing emotions (the entirety of season 2)

May not be able to tell when someone is flirting with her (or in love, unless the flirting is openly sexual and cannot be confused with friendliness)

Great difficulty and very sensitive to conflict, stress, arguments, fighting, wars, gossip and negativity

May find it challenging to understand what others expect of her (when they don’t directly tell her like they do at work)

Understanding boundaries (usually more when she was younger)

Tend to have high average to genius intelligence

Superior long-term memory

Often have a rigid negative thinking, inflexible black or white thinking style or rigidity of thinking (when it comes to Ward ‘some people are just evil’ and specifically of my Jemma: Fitz and Daisy being just ‘good’, no flaws)

Often drawn to the helping, artistic or animal professions, and often an “expert” in her chosen field (she ended up being mostly a doctor, but also expert in biochemistry)

Hard-working conscientious worker

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

Tries hard to please others

Preference for one-on-one social interactions, single close friendships

Strong preference to engage in conversation related to their special interest

A history of being bullied, teased, left out and/or not fitting in with same-age peers, unless she had/has similar “Aspie” friends (Fitz was her first real friend) 

An intense dislike of lies, but may lie herself

Experience great difficulty with conflict, arguments, being yelled at

Has great difficulty asserting herself (only on occasion so it doesn’t count) asking for help

May currently have or have experienced Post-Traumatic Stress, often due to being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, mistreated, and/or mismedicated.

Often does not know how to act in social situations

Often prefers to be engaged in her special interest, rather than socializing

May be considered the “black sheep” of the family

Others consider her different, odd, eccentric or “weird” by others

May feel like she has to act “normal” to please others OR does not care at all about fitting in (both depending on the situation, but sometimes she just doesn’t realize she’s being inappropriate) 

A people pleaser, but then may burn bridges suddenly (for e.g., quit relationships), as they have difficulty managing conflict

Females appear to be better than males at masking the traits of autism in social situations. However, girls are less able to do so in unfamiliar settings (she was even more ‘odd’ in Hydra, when asking the coworker she barely knew to go karaoke with her and insisted too) 

Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write her thoughts much better

May dislike asking others for help, be unable to ask or not know how to ask for help

May be passive, not know how to assert her boundaries in a healthy manner (season 2 again)

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to

May point out other people’s mistakes

missing what people are trying to say 

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

has a high pain threshold

May be overwhelmed or stressed by bright lights, coarse textures/clothing (specifically my Jemma wants very soft clothing) 

May have to withdraw, isolate herself when overwhelmed by her senses

Things that should feel painful may not be (bruises but not know how they got there, due to clumsiness) 

Recent brain scanning research points towards enlarged Amygdala’s role in intense emotions, anxiety and anger (her anger and anxiety are more often than not extreme)

May have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or traits (in her case traits)

May fidget or other movements with hands, twirl hair, stroke soft fabric to self-soothe (usually plays with sleeves or opens and closes fists or touches her neck and forehead)  

May be very sensitive to medications, caffeine (in my Jemma’s case caffeine specifically)

May have sleep difficulties

May have a special interest in fashion and femininity

She loves quiet, solitude, peaceful surroundings

May have a strong preference for routine and things being the same day after day

Gets pleasure from being engaged in her chosen work and/or special interests

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

May be ‘hypersexual”, fascinated by physical sexual contact (she really enjoys it too, though sometimes has difficulties connecting any emotion to it unless the emotion was present before)

A special interest may involve the person’s career

Ability to “hyperfocus” for long periods of time involved in the special interest, without eating, drinking or going to the toilet, is able to hyperfocus on her special interest for hours, often losing track of time

An intense love for nature and animals

Often not interested in what other people find interesting

Introspection and self-awareness. Many women spend years trying to understand themselves, reading self-help and psychology books and wonder why they feel so different, from another planet or that the “Mothership has dropped me off on the wrong planet”.

Feels things deeply

Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative

Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain

Deeply moved by arts, music, certain movies

Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

Experiences intense emotions of all kinds (for e.g. when she falls in love, she ‘falls’ in love deeply)

May think she is being compassionate, but her actions may not come across that way

Often too sensitive

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive (even with herself)

Has a high sense of justice and fairness, is a truth-seeker

Highly creative and may have ‘rushes’ of original ideas

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

May have been told she cares to much, does too much for others and/or is too sensitive (when people keep a close eye on her or speak to her, otherwise she comes off as cold)

Is perfectionistic 

Attention to detail

Obsessions/special interests can be long-term (can make a great career)

A strong sense of feeling different from her peers, often described as being from a different planet

Is intense in everything she does

May have a history of crying a lot, without knowing why

May have tried a variety of medications,

A history of depression, anxiety, eating disorders (not unless you count forgetting to eat or lack of appetite when upset), mood swings

May have developed a variety of dysfunctional coping mechanisms; for example, arrogance

Withdrawal and/or Avoidance

May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows

Autodictic – teaches herself

Intelligence, craves knowledge and loves learning

Can teach herself just about anything she puts her mind too

Has a strong will, is determined and independent

Have a remarkable long-term memory, photographic memory

Can work very well in a “crisis” situation

Deeply reflective thinker

Resilience, an ability to go from one crisis to another, to bounce back, to start again time and time again

Great in one-on-one situations or presenting to a group

May be gifted with art (singing)

May have a lack of cognitive empathy and hyperempathy for e.g., too much affective or sympathetic empathy

Compassionate Empathy, or “empathic concern”. This kind of empathy helps us to understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, and also be spontaneously moved to help them, if and when other need help. 

May have an intense desire to please others and/ be liked by others. 

May become highly distressed if she has the perception that someone does not like her or actually does not like her.

May have tocophobia, the fear of childbirth 

Photographic visual memory (generally able to recall what she has seen to details, and also to repeat actions she has seen even when they involve other fields - can recreate some of Fitz’s and Daisy’s works) 

[lakeknight-blog1]

really LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES.

repost , don’t reblog ! tag 10 ! good luck !

TAGGED. @mostwretchedson TAGGING. @etfuturus @emrysborn @grishildr @servinglies @sanctiissima @twcsugars @onioning @legendforged

BASICS. FULL NAME : sir lancelot du lac ( born galahad of the lake / galahad y llyn ). NICKNAME : lance. AGE : ~27 in main verse. BIRTHDAY : november 2nd. ETHNIC GROUP : welsh. NATIONALITY : british. LANGUAGE / S : common brythonic; brythonic celtic languages ( welsh, cumbric, cornish, breton ); pictish ( knows a touch ); latin ( conversational fluency ); greek ( literate, though not fluent ). SEXUAL ORIENTATION : bisexual. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : biromantic. RELATIONSHIP STATUS : dear god please help this man. CLASS : noble ( thane ); lesser royal; knight. HOME TOWN / AREA : the isle of avalon; glastonbury. CURRENT HOME : joyous guard. PROFESSION : knight of the round table.

PHYSICAL. HAIR : black and curly, reaching down in waves to his shoulders. EYES : very deep brown. NOSE : roman. FACE : gentle, yet angular features; evocative of youthful masculinity. wears a beard. LIPS : soft; downturned at the corners; perpetually somber. COMPLEXION : very fair; exquisitely soft. BLEMISHES : beyond various scars and wounds, none to speak of. SCARS : plenty. most apparent are the ones on his face. he has a thin scar on his right cheekbone, giving him a wild, feline appearance, one reaching from his left brow into his hairline, and one that dips into his upper lip. his most grevious scars are one on his left ankle, one just to the right of the small of his back, and one spreading from his left collarbone to just above his abdomen. TATTOOS : none. HEIGHT : 5′8″. WEIGHT : ~ 132 lbs. BUILD : willowy and slender; built for swift movements and sharp attacks or for graceful diplomacy; extremely muscular legs and abdoment; built arms and shoulders. very toned muscles. small, but holds more strength than he appears to.  FEATURES : handsome. a pretty boy, but an extremely masculine one. described appearing as a young stag. ALLERGIES : not quite an allergy, but he’s lactose intolerant. USUAL HAIR STYLE : worn loose, though very well maintained. the sort of look that seems like the wearer doesn’t care but actually cares very much. naturally and wonderfully chaotic. worn in a bun when anticipating combat. USUAL FACE LOOK : somber. USUAL CLOTHING : deep crimson tunics lined typically with gold threading. dark or black undershirts and trousers. thick, dark cloaks lined with furs. boots, always polished and well-maintained, matching the color of his belt. occasionally wears ornamental armor or a circlet.

PSYCHOLOGY. FEAR / S : inadequacy; lack of being loved; his sexual orientation; breaking his image as an almost mythic figure; a young death. ASPIRATION / S : to constantly and without fail prove himself as better than the rest in order to be admired and loved. POSITIVE TRAITS : charming, graceful, empathetic, witty, musical, talented. NEGATIVE TRAITS : insecure, depressed, violent, capricious, judgmental. MBTI : enfp-t: the campaigner. TEMPERAMENT : melancholic. SOUL TYPE / S : performer. ANIMALS : stag. VICE HABIT / S : wrath. so much wrath. and so much pride. and so much self-loathing. FAITH : nihilism. GHOSTS ? : unsure. AFTERLIFE ? : unsure. REINCARNATION ? : yes but he’s sad about it. ALIENS ? : dude. the fuck’s an alien. POLITICAL ALIGNMENT : arthur and arthur accessories. his only holdout is that he is extremely defensive and loyal to the old people and the old faith, even though he doesn’t necessarily follow it himself. ECONOMIC PREFERENCE : he’s so used to the life of a campaigning soldier that he refuses lodging within camelot’s castle and sleeps in a stable loft instead, if that’s any indication. SOCIOPOLITICAL POSITION : the absolute lowest in the upper class that someone could get. EDUCATION LEVEL : he’s incredibly intelligent, but his schooling revolved almost entirely around warfare, with only occasional forays into more artistic pursuits such as literature, philosophy, and music, though he loves all three dearly.

FAMILY. FATHER : king ban of benwick ( the horned god ). MOTHER : viviane, the lady of the lake ( the virgin huntress, the three-faced goddess, ceridwen ). SIBLINGS : six elder bastard brothers and many legitimate brothers, including lionel and bors the younger. technically only related to balan and mordred because of their supernatural conception. EXTENDED FAMILY : jesus fucking christ okay here we go kids. half-aunt morgause, wife of king lot. half-aunt igraine, former wife of gorlois of tintagel, wife of high king uther pendragon, high queen of britain. half-grandfather taliesin, merlin of britain. half-cousins with gawaine, gaheris, gareth, agravaine, and mordred through relation to morgause. half-cousins with morgaine and arthur through relation to igraine. related to a metric fuckton of half-brothers thanks to ban not keeping it in his pants. NAME MEANING / S : galahad is believed to mean hawk of summer, from the welsh word gwalchaved. lancelot is possibly a misinterpretation of the old frankish word l’ancelot, meaning servant. his many bynames, y llyn, an loch, and du lac, all mean of the lake. HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : probably not. but he could be related to / derived from a very great number of welsh deities and heroes.

FAVOURITES. BOOK : the iliad. MOVIE : n / a 5 SONGS : n / a DEITY : he has referred to his sword as the only god he believes in. HOLIDAY : samhain. MONTH : november. SEASON : winter. PLACE : lakes. WEATHER : sunny, with a cool breeze, or snowy. SOUND : the gentle ripple on the surface of a lake; the soft cries of waterfowl. SCENT / S : petrichor. TASTE / S : ale. FEEL / S : a soft touch. ANIMAL / S : horses. NUMBER : 1. COLOUR : crimson.

EXTRA. TALENTS : swordplay; jousting; horsemanship; warfare; care of animals; swimming; singing; playing harp; poetry; philosophy; forestry; navigation. BAD AT : dancing; keeping his own secrets; trusting the right people; following a faith. TURN ONS : emotional intimacy; soft touches; quiet breaths; gentle assurances; frequent kisses; the safety to be vulnerable; physical strength; well-toned muscles / athleticism; masculinity. TURN OFFS : excessive roughness; comments / jokes at his expense; loud volume; indiscretion; lack of communication; lack of emotion. HOBBIES : training for war; caring for the king’s stables; studying the history of warfare and combat; reading manuscripts on philosophy; writing poetry; playing music. TROPES : i have a whole list on my about page, but some of the most fitting are bi the way, competition freak, crowd pleaser, dark is not evil, determinator, gayngst, glory seeker, hero antagonist, heroic bastard, honor before reason, horseback heroism, looking for love in all the wrong places, nerves of steel, pretty boy, red is heroic, the ace, the charmer, and what you are in the dark. AESTHETIC TAGS : blog tag. i also have a pinterest board for him here. GPOY QUOTES : “i’d like to tell you it’ll get better tomorrow, but i’ve been through so many tomorrows and nothing has changed.“ / "we should get together sometime and spiral into terrible uncertainty.” / “put me on a pedestal and i’ll only disappoint you.” / “as always, all i should have said was, ‘i love you.’” / “we loved with a love that was more than love.” / “you have a heart that keeps others strong.” / “loving you was the most exquisite sort of self-destruction.”

FC INFO. MAIN FC / S : kit harington. ALT FC / S : n/a OLDER FC / S : n/a YOUNGER FC / S : n/a VOICE CLAIM / S : ewan mcgregor, but with a welsh accent. GENDERBENT FC / S : n/a

MUN QUESTIONS. Q1 : if you could write your character your way in their own movie , what would it be called , what style would it be filmed in , and what would it be about ? A1 : shot on film to give it an aged look, with a very washed out and muted color palette. directed in the style of stephan spielberg or christopher nolan. gives screentime to emphasize lancelot’s formative years in avalon and on campaign in continental europe, but the main focus is on lancelot’s role within the camelot romance dodecahedron and how his actions influenced the rise and fall of camelot. titled “galahad of the lake” in order to bring home that this is a story ultimately about how lancelot became the man he is in legend. Q2 : what would their soundtrack / score sound like ? A2 : composed by theophany and rozen. the soundtrack would be very much akin to theophany’s time’s end, especially time’s end: part ii. his character suite would be especially similar to healing termina. Q3 : why did you start writing this character ? A3 :  hhh, about four months? i’ve loved lancelot as a character for a very long time, but never really decided to sit down and write about him until recently. Q4 : what first attracted you to this character ? A4: i’ve loved lancelot for as long as i’ve loved arthurian lore, so since i was like, six or seven years old. he’s just a Cool Dude. lots of emotional depth, too, which is something i’ve always found to make me love a character. Q5 : describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse. A5 : fuck, man, i don’t dislike anything about him. i adore him. he’s fuckin perfect, okay? definitely not a perfect person, definitely very flawed, but as a character, that makes him perfect for me to write. in terms of ease of writing, i wouldn’t change a goddamn thing. Q6 : what do you have in common with your muse ? A6 : we’re both incredibly handsome, and we both really like horses. Q7 : how does your muse feel about you ? A7 : apathetic. Q8 : what characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ? A8 : everyone. just straight up everyone. first of all he himself is just interesting in any interactions because he’s snarky and violent and charming all in one, and you never know which side of him you’re going to get, so it’s always a good time. second of all, it’s just fun to let him loose with all the characters he can find? it’s a good time. Q9 : what gives you inspiration to write your muse ? A9 : i make my autoplay what it is for a reason, yo. it’s because that’s the shit that gets me goin’ with this character. Q10 : how long did this take you to complete ? A10 : one hour and twenty six minutes.

[thebloweshow]

Was-band

It has been forever since I’ve written for The Blowe Show. Well, I’m back. No small talk, let’s jump straight in.

As crazy as it sounds, part of me almost feels guilty for even wanting to open up about the past few months. And every time I have tried to write about it, I keep feeling like, “how dare you even talk about this openly? What will they say? What if it makes someone mad? You don’t want to look like the victim.” I have always written as a way of coping. But I haven’t truly written anything for the sake of not wanting to seem messy or disrespectful, compounded with the aforementioned. I did not want to step on toes or come off too accusatory (especially considering I have my own mistakes to own in all this mess). But me not writing has, to a degree, paralyzed me creatively. I have tried other outlets and a lot of prayer. The prayer has helped, but I still have felt “stuck”. And I realize it is because I have not truly addressed what has been trapped on the inside of me for 9 months. All for fear of what will be said. Well, that is no longer my business. I have no interest in bashing or putting anyone on blast. But I am done dealing with the discomfort of suppressing my voice in order to fit how someone else feels I should conduct myself for their comfort. I have something to say. Like to hear it? Here it go.

Since July of last year, I have been going through an interesting ordeal. I eloped in May and in July I filed for an annulment. SURPRISE! Things did not work out and I attribute it mostly to rushing into something instead of following my gut. I chose to ignore my instincts (and wise counsel from a big sister) all in the name of what I thought was love. It was an impetuous decision. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I now realize it was more me just trying to please her. I’m sure that would feel like a ripoff to her. And I do not feel like I was doing her any favors. But I didn’t want to let her down in any way. So I went against my better judgment and the timeline I already had set. Because I loved her. *kanye shrug* That and I have a fear of disappointing people—I blame my childhood and the responsibilities I faced before I could even put that word into context good. Anyway, those closest to me know the details and she knows exactly how I feel at this point. No need to rehash any of that here. But as things unfolded, I kept silent for multiple reasons:

1-I felt I needed to protect my interests. I made it known I was going to pursue an annulment and I did. Like I said, those closest to me know the reason why. And I never wavered from that decision one bit. I was DONE. But I did not want to further ruffle feathers because, frankly, I did not want to possibly prolong the process of me getting the hell out of the situation. Sometimes, I do wish I knew another way of handling things other than just going ghost. I had felt taken advantage of and unappreciated all in the same instant. Manipulated to a point. So I did not trust speaking at length for risk of being disarmed, so-to-speak. So I kept my distance. As I mentioned before, I am a people-pleaser to a fault. I maintain this fear of being a disappointment (that I really need to unpack and put away). It feels like a failure to me. In this case, my way of dealing with that fun fact was by keeping my distance. I figured I can’t disappoint someone’s request of “making things work” if I don’t allow the chance for that request to be made. Not to mention, things were too messed up (in my eyes) to make anything work. 

2-Out of respect for family/friends. Quite a few new connections were made as a result of this relationship. Good people. Loving people. Folks who barely knew me and embraced me. Not to mention the family connections already in place. Sad to say, the most significant one has been all but severed at this point. I think I mourned that loss harder than the demise of my marriage. Anyway, I cannot say how much that particular relationship will be mended. The rest of the in-laws have my utmost respect, always. And my love. Which, ironically, I have been accused of disrespecting her family when I have said nothing negative about them—with the exception of the aforementioned one. Fun fact: that’s also the one who threw her and all her business under the bus when ish first hit the fan. HA! The irony is too rich for me. Anyways, I did not to want to “vent” and say too much. Because in disrespecting her, especially publicly, I would be disrespecting them. And, hell, kinda playing myself since I married her. I saw something at some point to make such a decision. Shamefully, there were a couple moments where I threw a quick quip online. Because feelings. But I always did my best not to flat out trash her publicly. Because why? And I didn’t want to be that guy on the ‘gram or the FacePlace. Even those “smaller” moments I wish I could take back. Let’s be clear, however: those moments and even me sharing what I have shared here are nothing compared to what I once wanted to and still could say. So whoever is mad, at this point, can just be mad. Stay out of my inbox, though. After this, I am not making any promise I will be as polite.

3-I was too angry. Across the board—it wasn’t all on her. I have never been angry to a point of visualizing physical harm to someone. This ordeal pushed me to that point. It was actually kind of scary. And I started seeing it in a way I did not expect to see it: via my posts on social media. I avoided really lashing out at her online (and a couple other “family” members”). So that anger became displaced into posts about social injustices, opinion pieces, etc (which compounded or even overshadowed any legit anger for the aforementioned). I had discovered no other outlet. So I bled out there. I was becoming “that guy” on these interwebs. A local open mic night helped alleviate some of that bottled up energy. It got me to writing poetry again. But it wasn’t enough. I really wanted to destroy some things. Some people. And I know I can rip a nigga apart when I write. So I didn’t write. I held it in for the most part. Almost to my own detriment—go figure.

4-I had gotten very depressed. I am talking levels where I had to talk myself out of bed…into the shower…out of my dorm room…into getting something to eat. I had to physically talk to myself as if I were talking to a person beside me. My job kept me from being a total prisoner to myself. Something about being in the military and not showing up for work being against the law or something. So, there’s that. Otherwise, I was a soggy mess. What I thought would be forever dissolved before my eyes. I was scared of how it would effect my career. My leadership did their best in reassuring me I was fine. But that still didn’t keep me from panicking to them almost weekly. I was open with them, especially my supervisor, about all my concerns and steps I had taken regarding resolving the issue. But I was still scared. Not to mention just wanting it to be over; navigating completely new territory and not knowing what comes next. Dealing with all that 8,000mi away from any family was a rough gig. I had friends/fam who checked on me regularly once they knew what was going on. It meant the world to me. But I basically lived in a constant state of anxiety for nearly a year. Deep depression for a solid month. On/off depression otherwise. My creative juices almost completely dried up in the midst of all that.

Make no mistake, I always knew I would write about this at some point. I just had to wait until the right time. Which included getting myself in check so that it wasn’t a messy message. I am still working through some anger and some resentment and some regret. I’m not all the way out of the woods with this. Releasing this does make me feel closer to reaching that point, though. I still deal with depression here/there. Mainly because I’ve always wanted a family. I get scared of not achieving that as I approach my 35th bday in a couple of weeks. I want kids. I want a beautiful wife. But I am working on really learning to be by myself after that last bit. The marriage was all of 10 minutes. But the aftermath of all the bullsh*t has left a lasting impression I am still working to overcome. I refuse to feel badly for speaking up for myself and for what I felt was wrong. I refuse to feel ashamed for drawing a line. I am nobody’s victim, but I am nobody’s puppet neither. Whether it’s in the name of “Jesus” or not. I have seen many times how some folks feel that if they can justify their actions with the Word, then it validates what is actually an injustice. Hell, slavery was backed up by the bible too. Miss me with the perverted Christianity. I’m not here for the performative gospel. I still believe God. I still am a proud Christian. I have seen the power in Jesus name for myself. And, for now, that’s the only relationship I would like to focus on strengthening. My faith is what has carried me through trials way worse than this one. So it’s still intact. Now, I do regret some decisions of the past few months; rather the way I handled said decisions. But I am still grateful for the lessons that came from them. And ultimately, I am still content with deciding to get out.

[sarahburness]

Feeling Anxious? People-Pleasing Could Be to Blame

“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.” ~Unknown

White lights flutter before your eyes. Your chest tightens, as if under the weight of a hundred ten-pound bricks. You wonder if your next breath will be your last. Emotions rip through you: fear, glooming dread, hopelessness. Without warning or clear cause, these feelings consume you.

You start to wonder if you’re going crazy. It’s like you no longer have control over your own body, your own thoughts.

This is the experience of chronic anxiety. And if you’ve ever encountered it, you know that the presence of it—and the absence of answers or solutions—can make you feel like you’re losing it. It can make everything that was once enjoyable feel like a struggle.

I know this feeling all too well.

I used to suffer from periodic anxiety attacks in my early twenties. They left me perplexed and afraid. I felt like I was being possessed. I felt out of control and believed I was dying all the time, with no evidence of a real illness.

Anxiety stole parts of my life from me, until I decided I wouldn’t let it take away my hope for a better future. One day, embarrassed after having to pull over onto the side of the road in order to breathe, I decided to get help for my anxiety attacks.

I realized then that people pleasing was causing me anxiety in two ways.

First, I felt anxiety about being imperfect, making mistakes, and making choices that others didn’t approve of, especially in my family relationships. Then I felt more anxiety because I thought I shouldn’t feel this way. I thought if people knew I was suffering from anxiety that they would reject me.

Life can be messy, strange, and hard sometimes. And it gets even harder when the faith you once had in yourself is bulldozed by your inability to take a deep breath and calm yourself down.

It’s hard not to blame yourself. It’s hard to avoid feeling inadequate, like your issues are all your fault. It’s especially hard when you’re a people-pleaser.

Chronic people-pleasers want to look presentable all the time, like we have it all together and our lives are perfect. Anxiety doesn’t fit into the perfect lives we’ve established for ourselves. So when it hits, we become our harshest and cruelest critics.

We fail to realize that when we don’t accept our symptoms, we only exacerbate them. We forget that judging things never makes them better. We can’t help but get angry with ourselves.

Stop Playing Pretend

Anxiety had its most crippling effects on me when I was in college. I believed I needed to get all A’s on my report card in order to be a good student. I also believed that if I had to study to get good grades, I was somehow intellectually inferior.

I studied a lot for tests—more than what I thought should be necessary. But when I talked to other people, I pretended like I’d barely studied at all. And whenever I received the occasional B, I beat myself up pretty harshly.

I didn’t want anyone to know that I didn’t have the best report card. Little did I know at the time it made me appear pretentious and stuck up.

After graduation, I interned at a university clinic, where I started to see clients. With each client, I was assigned a therapy room. This one time, I accidently used a room that wasn’t assigned to me. When the therapy was over, the clinical supervisor was not very happy with me and did not have trouble showing it.

Not knowing how to handle disappointing someone, I cried to her and ran off because I could feel a panic attack coming on. Later I felt like a baby, and couldn’t understand why I had such a strong reaction to making a mistake.

Later I realized I was always anxiously trying to please people because it was difficult for me to deal with disappointing others. I thought somehow making a mistake devalued me as a person, and that made me anxious to think about.

I would assess my worth on how much I could do right, instead of realizing I had intrinsic worth regardless. This experience helped me understand that my urge to please was based on anxiety and fear more than anything else.

I spent that time of my life hiding who I was and putting a fake smile on my face.

In trying to appear perfect, I became rigid and lost my edge and my humor. I resisted my outgoing personality because I thought I would interrupt people too much. I thought I should always let others take center stage while I didn’t ruffle any feathers in the background.

I pretended everything was great, but it wasn’t. I was suffering from crippling anxiety, feeling disconnected, and often misunderstood. I was hiding my pain, and my frustration with people who were acting rude and selfish.

I gave advice and ran to the rescue of anyone in despair, and partook in activities that I didn’t necessarily enjoy. I hid my true self by hiding behind other people’s problems. I convinced myself that there was no room for me.

Through my own experience, I learned that the greatest changes begin when we look at our problems with interest and respect, instead of judgment and denial. When we allow our true thoughts and feelings into awareness, we have the opportunity to learn from them instead of unconsciously reacting to them without knowing why.

We keep our negative feelings relaxed by not ignoring them, and we increase our awareness of reality by being willing to encounter our personal truths.

After therapy, I learned that my panic attacks were a reminder that I was a human, not a perfect being. I needed to be acknowledged for who I was, instead of always putting others first or forcing myself to have it all together.

I needed to know that my worth didn’t depend on what I did for others or what grades appeared on my report card.

Our bodies have so much wisdom, and sometimes they know more than we realize. Sometimes our anxiety is merely a signal telling us to take a closer look within.

Anxiety As A Symptom, Not The Disease

When I first sought therapy for my panic attacks, I thought they were a sign of weakness that needed to be eliminated. What I came to understand is that we can choose to bury our unexpressed emotions and deep thoughts, but they’ll come back later, often in unpleasant ways.

In my case, they came back as panic attacks. When aspects of ourselves are distanced, denied, or devalued, they’ll always try to make us listen by surfacing as unwanted symptoms.

Think about what some aspects of your ignored self are trying to tell you. Maybe your symptoms are coming up as chronic anxiety, depression, muscle pain, headaches, feeling lost, etc.

The analogy of the missing roommate, from Bill O’Hanlon and Bob Bertolino’s book Even from a Broken Web: Brief, Respectful Solution-Orientated Therapy for Sexual Abuse and Trauma, can help clarify the impact of ignoring our inner selves.

The Missing Roommate

Imagine that there are a bunch of people living together in a house, and they decide to kick out one of their roommate because they don’t like him. They lock him out and change the locks.

He comes to the door and tries persistently to get back in, but the roommates tell each other to ignore him, thinking he will go away.

After a while, he becomes exhausted and slumps against the door. They think he’s gone away and won’t cause any more trouble. For quite a while, it seems to have worked. But he’s really just sleeping outside the door.

Eventually, something wakes him up, and he decides he wants to get back in the house. He pounds on the door again but gets no response and becomes tired again. Finally, he becomes desperate and crashes through the front window.

That is what happens when parts of your true self are vanished, unexpectedly. The parts of you that went missing will want to show you who you’re meant to be. They’ll scream, “I want to come back! I am part of you! I will not be ignored!”

This is how it happened for me. I got so caught up in trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be, I lost who I actually was.

However, when we devalue parts of ourselves, they develop a mind of their own. They may go away for a while, at the expense of our wellbeing and relationships, but before long they’ll come crashing through the front window.

We must realize that the experiences we have, even seemly negative ones, are here to teach us, challenge us, and allow us to grow.

How you see yourself, your life, and your options is shaped by your mindset. If you live with the mindset of a people-pleaser, you’ll constantly feel pressure to fit in, make others happy, be liked, gain acceptance, and seem happy all the time. That’s a lot of pressure. No wonder you feel anxious!

When I reached out for the help of a therapist, I thought there was something wrong with me because of how sick I’d gotten. I wasn’t able to see that even if I could benefit from making some changes, my anxiety wasn’t my fault. I needed to grow so I could learn to better manage my life and be okay with sometimes disappointing other people in order to take care of myself.

It’s okay to make mistakes; it’s alright for people not to approve of all your choices; it’s fine to have the occasional issue. In fact, it’s through the pitfalls of life that you can learn and experience who you are.

I’m thankful for my panic attacks. They allowed me to open my eyes and change my life. I started making myself a priority and embraced my imperfections with open arms.

—

Editor’s note: Ilene has generously offered to give away two free copies of her latest book, When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. To enter to win one of two free copies, leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific—”Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, December 24th.

About Ilene S. Cohen

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger, and professor. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with her most recent release of her self-help book entitled, When It’s Never About You. Her work is fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. To learn more about Dr. Ilene visit www.doctorilene.com.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Feeling Anxious? People-Pleasing Could Be to Blame appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/feeling-anxious-people-pleasing-could-be-to-blame/