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nikkoliferous · 4 years ago

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Phase One: Avengers (Part Two)

Apparently I had so much to comment on this crappy book that I had to break this up into two parts (you can read part one here). No, I have nothing to say for myself. Lol

Let’s continue.

Clint Barton and Loki’s hand-picked strike team were in a stolen Quinjet with a faked S.H.I.E.L.D. call sign, 26-Bravo. That got them close enough that by the time the air-traffic officer on the Helicarrier knew something was wrong, it was already too late.

Whoa whoa whoa. I thought you said Loki didn’t care about the details. I thought you said such things were beneath him. Make up your mind.

With a last heave and twist, she freed herself from the fallen beam and ran. At that moment, the Hulk turned and saw her. She vaulted up a stairway and onto the next level. The Hulk swiped at the stairway and shredded it into scrap metal. Loki had gotten what he wanted. He must have been trying to time it so he could manipulate Bruce into becoming the Hulk right as his soldiers came to attack the Helicarrier. The Hulk would do at least as much damage from the inside as the rogue Quinjet could do from the outside.

Yes. Yes, he did. Lol

Natasha kept running, and the Hulk came right behind her. For a moment, she thought she’d lost him, but then he came at her out of the shadows, roaring. He was like walking rage, a single-minded engine of destruction. She shot a hole in the pipe over his head. Steam shot out of it into the Hulk’s eyes, stopping him for just the moment she needed to get a head start. She ran as fast as she could, but she knew she wasn’t going to stay away from him for long. He came after her, smashing through bulkheads and doorways like they weren’t even there and roaring the whole time.

Mood, though.

Steve got to the edge of the turbine mount about the same time as Tony. “I’m here!” he called out.

“Good,” Tony said, dropping into view and hovering in the Iron Man armor to survey the wreckage. He had the suit on, and Steve could hear his voice through the earbud microphone all S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel wore. At least that channel was still intact; if they lost communications, they’d be done for.

Convenient. Clint would absolutely know this, which means either 1) he's incompetent, 2) he's not as mind-controlled as we think, or 3) Loki allowed/arranged for his own team's semi-failure.Take your pick.

“What’s it look like in there?” Tony asked.

“It seems to run on some form of electricity,” Steve said.

Tony was shoving loose huge pieces of debris that prevented the turbine blades from rotating. “Well, you’re not wrong,” he said.

Steve fumed. He wasn’t here for technical support. But that was all he could do at the moment.

Ironic for Steve to call out Tony for being useless without his suit when Steve is apparently useless at anything other than beating people up. Lol

Tony stood inside the turbine housing, looking at the blades. He’d cleared most of the debris jamming the rotors. “Even if I clear the rotors,” he said, “this thing won’t reengage without a jump. I’m going to have to get in there and push.”

“If that thing gets up to speed, you’ll get shredded,” Steve said.

Hey hey hey now, I thought Tony wasn't the type of guy to sacrifice himself??

The Hulk stomped around the flight deck, roaring. He saw Thor and swung a fist twice the size of Thor’s head. Thor caught it in both hands, straining to hold both the Hulk’s arm and his attention. “We are not your enemies, Banner,” he grunted. “Try to think!”

Now, where have I heard that before...?

In answer, the Hulk punched him through the wall.

Jealous.

Thor got up and watched the Hulk coming after him. Now this was a fight! He held out a hand, waiting for Mjolnir to return to him. Mjolnir smashed through another wall and reached Thor’s hand just as the charging Hulk came within striking distance.

What's a little bloodlust between friends, amirite?

The Hulk caught the hammer, and a fierce grin spread over his face… then he toppled backward and Mjolnir pinned him to the floor of the hangar.

None but I can lift Mjolnir, Thor thought. Not even this giant.

Yes, yes. You're very special, Thor. We're all super impressed, promise.

“You like this?” Coulson asked, meaning the gun. “We started working on the prototype after you sent the Destroyer. Even I don’t know what it does.” He powered it up, and rings along its barrel glowed bright orange. “Want to find out?”

But Loki wasn’t there in front of him. Thor saw it too late to do anything. That Loki was an illusion… and the real Loki was behind Coulson.

Lokiception.

“You lack conviction,” Coulson said. He did not move from where he sat against the wall. Blood trickled at the corner of his mouth, and the enormous gun lay uselessly across his lap.

Of all the things Coulson might have said, this was perhaps the one Loki expected least. I have moved worlds out of conviction, he thought. Made bargains with beings who snuff out planets as an afterthought. “I don’t think I…”

"bargains"

“Tasha,” he said. “How many agents did I—?”

“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.” Better than maybe anyone on the Helicarrier, Natasha Romanoff knew you couldn’t blame yourself for things you did while you were brainwashed. All you could do was try to heal and get things right the next time.

OH? DO TELL.

“Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I’ll give you that one,” Tony said. “But let’s do a head count here. Your brother the demigod, a Super-Soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend, a man with breathtaking anger-management issues, a couple of master assassins… and you, big fella, you’ve managed to piss off every single one of them.”

“That was the plan,” Loki said with a grin.

“Not a great plan,” Tony said.

YOU'RE RIGHT, TONY. IT'S AN OBJECTIVELY TERRIBLE PLAN. NOW ASK YOURSELF WHY HE WOULD DO THAT ON PURPOSE.

“You’re missing the point!” he said, and his tone got sharper. “There’s no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us… but it’s all on you. Because if we can’t protect the Earth, you can be sure we’ll avenge it.”

Weeeeeell...

With those last words, he tapped Tony on the chest with his scepter, just has he had Hawkeye and Dr. Selvig. Nothing happened. The Arc Reactor in Tony’s chest countered the scepter’s effect.

Loki tried it again. “This usually works.…”

“Well,” Tony said, “best-laid plans. You know the saying.”

Uncomfortable with mild swear words and dick jokes, I see. Lol

Look at this!” Thor shouted, holding Loki and forcing him to gaze out over the destruction in the city. “You think this madness will end with your rule?”

“It’s too late,” Loki said. Thor thought he was beginning to understand what he had done. “It’s too late to stop it.”

“No,” Thor said. “We can. Together.”

Loki looked him in the eye… and then betrayed Thor again, stabbing him in the side with a knife hidden in his sleeve. Thor dropped to the ground, clutching the wound. “Sentiment,” Loki said mockingly.

OH MY GOD. HE'S MOCKING HIMSELF, YOU ABSOLUTE KNUCKLEHEAD. I swear to god, this author sat down and went, "Hmm. How can I systematically erase any and all complexity this character possesses so he's as generic a villain as possible?"

CASE IN POINT:

On a bridge, Cap huddled behind a destroyed car with the Black Widow and Hawkeye. “Lots of civilians trapped up there,” Hawkeye said, indicating the nearby buildings. A flight of Chitauri went over, and Cap noticed something different about one of them.

“Loki,” he said. He was shooting at the civilians fleeing through the streets. “They’re fish in a barrel down there.”

It can be admittedly hard to tell because most shots of the Chitauri vehicles firing on people are from too far away to tell who's piloting... but I checked the clips from the Battle of NY and the only person Loki can definitively be seen firing at is Natasha. On another Chitauri whatever-you-call-them. Not even aiming for the street.

Thor was still watching the Chitauri zipping overhead. “I have unfinished business with Loki.”

“Yeah?” Hawkeye said. “Get in line.”

“Save it,” Steve said. “Loki’s going to keep this fight focused on us, and that’s what we need. Otherwise those things could run wild. We’ve got Stark up on top—”

Almost as if... according to plan...

Look, I have historically not bought into the full "Loki formed the Avengers so he could lose on purpose" theory because I feel that it contradicts the canon explanation that he was being influenced by the sceptre. But... you'd have to be an absolute moron to think he wasn't sabotaging himself, whether accidentally or on purpose. I suppose one could argue that just because it was amplifying his negative emotions, that doesn't necessarily mean it prevented him from working against his "allies". But if it wasn't affecting his actions at all, I don't know why they'd bother to confirm the theory as canon.

Also, like... according to this book, Loki is somehow targeting civilians and not targeting civilians at the same time ?? lmao

“Dr. Banner,” Steve said. “Now might be a really good time for you to get angry.”

Bruce was already walking toward the Leviathan. “That’s my secret, Captain,” he said over his shoulder. “I’m always angry.”

Same, tbh.

Thor reached the top of the Empire State Building and lifted Mjolnir. Storm clouds gathered and lightning struck down, hundreds of bolts reaching for Mjolnir. Thor turned the Empire State Building’s iconic spire into a lightning rod, gathering the force of the elements into it. Then he thrust Mjolnir in the direction of the portal. All the energy he had built up blazed out in a single forking bolt. It struck and destroyed every single Chitauri between the Empire State Building and the portal itself. Hundreds of them exploded and tumbled from the sky at once, including several of the Leviathans that tumbled down to smash into buildings below.

...so why didn't Thor just keep doing this for the rest of the battle? Too draining, or not exciting enough? Lol

Satisfied, Thor nodded and glanced over at the Hulk. Perhaps the scales were evened from their last fight against each other on the Helicarrier—

The Hulk shot out his left fist and smashed Thor all the way across the block-long gallery. Then it was his turn to look satisfied.

Jealous. Again.

Maybe that was just Loki, but Steve was starting to feel like the Chitauri were going to absorb every punch the Avengers could throw. They had to close that portal, or nothing was going to stop the invasion.

Well then. It sure is fortunate that Loki allowed Selvig to install a failsafe, huh?

Fury stood and listened to the World Security Council explain that they had decided to take the operation out of his hands. They were going to use a nuclear missile to destroy the Tesseract and close the portal—but at the cost of untold civilian lives. Fury protested as strongly as he could and one of the councilors cut him off. “Director Fury. The Council has made a decision.”

These crazy motherfuckers would have killed so many more people than Loki it's not even funny.

...and tbh, it probably wouldn't even have destroyed the Tesseract, so they would have killed them for literally no reason too.

The Hulk paused, confused.

“You are, all of you, beneath me!” Loki raged.

Not yet, sir, but I would very much like to be. 😏

She knelt next to him and said, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what you were doing.”

Selvig digested this for a moment and then said, “Actually I think I did. I built in a safety to cut the power source.”

Of note and as alluded to previously:

1) The mind control over Barton and Selvig was not absolute either; therefore, if they are not responsible for their actions over the course of this movie, Loki is not responsible for his either.

2) If The Other could hear everything Loki was up to, it's very likely that Loki could hear everything Barton and Selvig were up to as well. Meaning that, at a minimum, he knew about the failsafe and did nothing about it.

The missile had a lot of momentum built up, and Tony’s Mark 7 suit was not operating at full capacity after the amount of energy he’d expended in the battle already. It was no easy task to get the missile angled up sharply enough to clear the tallest buildings in Midtown—especially Stark Tower. That was where the missile seemed to want to go. So, Tony thought, the World Security Council is jealous of me, too.

Look, I get that he's mostly just being witty, but seriously... this dude is out here accusing Loki of being an egomaniac? Lol

He got underneath the missile and angled it upward, straining against its stabilizers, which tried to keep it on course. But slowly he forced it up, and once he got its warhead pointed at an angle, pushing it into a steeper climb got easier. A little.

Steve Rogers’s voice broke his concentration. “Stark, you know that’s a one-way trip?”

So... you're admitting you were wrong, then? 🙃

The Avengers looked up. On the roof of Stark Tower, Natasha said, “Come on, Stark.”

They saw the explosion through the portal, brilliant as a new sun. There was no way Tony could have survived that.

I was wrong about him, Steve thought. When the time came, he did make the sacrificial play.

Thanks, Steve. That's really all I wanted.

Loki had just gotten himself put back together enough to get out of the hole in the floor. Painfully he dragged himself toward the door. Never had a mortal damaged him as much as that green monster. He would be healing for a long time.

He's literally in better shape now than when he came through the portal. And the author made zero mention of his health there.

But heal he would, and then he would have his revenge. Even though the portal had collapsed and he had lost the Tesseract. Even though his Chitauri army was destroyed. Loki would show the so-called Avengers they never should have opposed him.

Raise your hand if you watched Avengers and thought Loki was thinking about revenge right after getting Hulk-smashed. Why aren't any of you raising your hands??

Seriously, there are two emotions I felt from Loki at the end of Avengers Assemble: relief and anxiety. I have no idea why Alex Irvine is so intent on turning him into a boring, one-dimensional villain, but it made this book absolutely insufferable to read.

Anyway, that's it! I hope you all found this as entertaining and cathartic as I did. Lol

↩️ Back to Part One

#loki meta #loki #thor #tony stark #steve rogers #bruce banner #natasha romanoff #clint barton #avengers assemble #mcu #phase one: avengers

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milasartblog · 5 years ago

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Cure for love

Some years passed since our Wilson left our crew. Our ship gets spacious and spacious with time, but....so empty. Now only three of us left: Leithan, Zeres....and me. It's hard to handle two men on one ship, especially during drunk time. But...i got used to it. As long as we're still together, it doesn't matter. And yet, i noticed how captain changed. He started to trust humans and monsters less, and Zeres....starts to look at me scarely. I'm still not sure why, but i try to calm myself every time. Right now, i take care of Wilson's tasks while Zeres and Leithan do their own. I still can't speak, but i can now hear well. If only my eyes were like humans have.

Right now, it's night time. We moored to one of the inhabited island. Of course, we did it sneakely, we're pirates after all. And yet, our goal was to take a rest before we start our next movement. Well, that was Leithan's goal. Mine was to sneak there and get some medications and food. You see, we got a flu since autumn started and we almost ran out of medications. I almost got well, but Leithan and Zeres still need some curing. And becayse of it, i went sneakly to a village. For my surprise it was very busy. Maybe they had a celebration today. But i didn't care. Like a snake i got into one house and stole some food, then into another and repeated several times until i got everything i needed. Of course my cover didn't last long as one guard noticed me. I started to run as fast as i could. He almost got me, but he didn't expect a trap i prepared for him.

While he was busy with escaping, i immediately got back to ship. When i got back, i looked around. Zeres was still sleeping in his room, thankfully. I sighed with relief, but then i noticed the lights in Leithan's room. Did he notice my disappearance? Or did cold make him wake up? My thoughts ran in my mind as my heart beated fast. I walked to his room slowly, and yet the creak of the floor betrayed me.

Leithan: Eya?....Is that you?

I heard his voice, low but still...his. I enter his room carefully as take the bandages off. I nodded to him as he turned around and looked at me. He looked serious. So serious. And worried.

Leithan: Where have you been, love?

He walks closely to me. I looked at him with my demon and yet sincere eyes. I can't lie to him, he knows that i went not just fir a walk or relax. I told him what i did while they were sleeping and showed him what i got. He smiled to me....but his smile was sad. As i kept telling, he put his hand on my cheek. I surprised and looked at him.

Leithan: You shouldn't do it, love. I will be fine. Zeres needs them more, so as you.

He said to me as looked away and covered his mouth, coughing. How i hate when he lies to me. I know well how much he needs them too. But as captain he couldn't just let everyone be like this. He prefers to sacrifice his health in order to make us feel better. But not me. I began to disagree with him, told him that he needs medicine too.

Leithan: I said that i will be fine. I just need to sleep and everything will be good.

With these words he went to his bed. I didn't want to leave it like this and followed him. I put everything i got from village on the table and continued telling him that he should at least take one medicine.

Leithan: Eya, i will be fine!

He shouted. I flinched as stepped back. Fortunately the shout was not loud thanks to his low voice. But it made him cough stronger. I got worried and started to prepare medicine for him...

After some minutes, Leithan was on his bed, sleeping peacefully, while i was sitting next to him, looking after him. I kept an eye on him all the time, even though i felt sleepy and tired. I forced myself every time to not fall asleep. But my body was weak after all these things and it started to fall. I was expecting to hit the floor with ny head and wake up with pain. But....i felt something soft. And warm. I looked up lazily and noticed....that i was right next to Leithan, laying, in a hug.

Leithan: I got you, my princess.

He whispered to me. So softly, and sleepy. My heart beated like the thousands of drums. I felt so uncomfortable disturbing his sleep. And yet, i couldn't find strength to escape. Or even more....i didn't want to.

Leithan: You are tired, love. Take some rest. With me

He says sleepy and low again. He wasn't mind it all this time? I couldn't believe it until he hugged me tightly. He was so warm and soft. I didn't want to leave this place, didn't want to leave him. I hugged him back as fall asleep with him.

Sometimes he can be stubborn. But i still care about him. Like he care about us.

-------

Aaaand that's the end^^ I'm so sorry if we don't draw our Kaizokutale characters so often, life can be a little b*tch to creators^^"

But i still wanted to try something with them, and here is the little story from Eya's perspective^^ Hope you will like it^^

P. S.: Sorry if it's a bit messy ^^" Also, i think we can try to write stories with them, so that maybe we can keep up-to-date with them^^

Eya belongs to @wildstarfan and @milasartblog (both me)

Leithan and Zeres belong to @cosmosdream-world

Kaizokutale by @cosmosdream-world and @wildstarfan

#not art #oc #oc character #eya #leithan #zeres #kaizokutale #story #flu #cold #cure

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theteenagetrickster · 5 years ago

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75 Best Hip-Hop and R&B Albums of 2019, Ranked

For the final time of 2019, we’ll see you in the comments.

Before you begin scrolling through our list of the 75 best hip-hop and R&B albums of 2019, likely without reading any of the words we affixed to many of them, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page.

The eligibility period for this list is December 24, 2018, through December 9, 2019.

If an artist and/or their record label labeled a project as an “EP,” it was disqualified. We are publishing that list on Friday.

Our entire editorial team determined the selections (and the order of the albums listed). Please don’t send Donna your nasty emails.

No, we’re not on the payroll of “Insert Popular Artist Here.” But, we’d love an investment. Have them email Z.

This list is our list—not yours. We don’t expect, nor do we want, you to agree with every album selection or our ordering; we do want you to discover a few great albums you probably missed throughout the past 12 months and press play.

Great, let’s begin. Happy Holidays.

75. Radamiz — Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

“Lately been accepting my mortality, nobody ever told you that your parents goin’ to get older, too,” Radamiz raps on “Shadowboxing,” the intro to his perfectly-titled sophomore album, Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes. It’s one of many lines that will jump out upon every revisit. Radamiz is a rapper who breathes universal truths, who candidly speaks of being a passion-driven and dreaming-chasing millennial fighting against the odds and the clock. Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes is East Coast hip-hop from a student of the game, who gives an honest portrait of his life with fiery rhymes, and head-nodding production that solidifies Radamiz as one of the best new rappers coming from New York. —Yoh

74. Wale — Wow… That’s Crazy

73. Lil Peep — Everybody's Everything

72. MIKE — Tears of Joy

71. Deem Spencer — Pretty face

70. Yung Baby Tate — GIRLS

Do not forget Yung Baby Tate. On the list of newcomers who released projects in 2019 that put on display their world-conquering star power, Yung Baby Tate shines. GIRLS, Tate’s independent debut, is vividly painted with shades of luscious vocals, radio-ready songwriting, and bright-colored, post-Nicki Minaj lyricism. You’ll remember Tate as the charming, Atlanta-born songstress who rapped, sung, wrote, and self-produced all 15 tracks. Tate is every woman, but also every artist, a living compilation of styles and genres. While GIRLS may be her first full-length offering, the album successfully represents her wide-ranging talents, and why Yung Baby Tate is on the road to a takeover. —Yoh

69. Baby Keem — DFMB

68. Medhane — Own Pace

67. YG — 4REAL 4REAL

66. Kaina — Next to the Sun

65. 03 Greedo & Kenny Beats — Netflix & Deal

Ever wonder what a Netflix binging session with your favorite rapper and producer would be like? 03 Greedo and Kenny Beats’ collaborative debut is the closest you’ll get this year. There’s no underlying concept about cinema’s relationship to rap or trying to create a #cinematic experience; Greedo raps about movies he used to watch in his trap house over a sampling of Kenny’s eclectic beats. Netflix & Deal is as brisk and exciting as any John Wick movie. You know bodies will be caught, but the thrill comes from seeing how they will top themselves this time. Movie magic. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

64. Big K.R.I.T. — K.R.I.T. Iz Here

63. Roddy Ricch — Please Excuse Me For Being Antisocial

62. Dreamville — Revenge of The Dreamers III

61. Wiki — OOFIE

60. Malibu Ken — Malibu Ken

Aesop Rock deserves to have a little fun. Teaming up with producer TOBACCO for , he puts his extensive vocabulary to use, describing plants dying from neglect on tour and the inner workings of Bob Ross paintings. TOBACCO’s woozy pre-tech synths whir and click at the speed of rap, matching Rock’s saturated yellows with nauseating greens. Malibu Ken is colorful, silly, and more than just a little morbid, a perfect slice of Magic Eye playtime handspun by two of alt-rap’s most endearing weirdos. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

59. Summer Walker — Over It

58. Jack Harlow — Confetti

57. Jhay Cortez — Famouz

56. Young Dolph & Key Glock — Dum and Dummer

55. Grip — Snubnose

Snubnose, the sophomore project by Atlanta rapper Grip, is a sneaky album. The kind of independent release that sounds major from a newcomer who could be confused as a young veteran. Where there should be kinks, Snubnose appears polished; where most artists fall into a mimicry of trends, Grip leans into original storytelling. He makes 13-tracks about gun violence feel like you’re watching a violent Quentin Tarantino film, with far-less n-words. Meticulous in form, riveting in execution, Snubnose is one rap album that you won’t forget. One of the best surprises of 2019. —Yoh

54. Roc Marciano — Marcielago

53. Young Nudy & Pi'erre Bourne — Sli'merre

52. SiR — Chasing Summer

51. Kano — Hoodies All Summer

50. YBN Cordae — The Lost Boy

YBN Cordae remembers what albums sounded like during the blog era. When Kendrick Lamar made Section.80; when J. Cole made Friday Night Lights; when Chance the Rapper made Acid Rap. Cordae channels that timeframe into , his debut album on Atlantic Records. The North Carolina-born, Maryland-raised rapper weaves through a coming-of-age story with thoughtful self-reflection, pointed storytelling, and soulful nostalgia. It’s a charming, major-label effort by a developing and youthful rapper with an open, old soul. Cordae still lacks a defining identity, but at the very least, The Lost Boy proves he knows how to tell a compelling story. —Yoh

49. Flying Lotus — Flamagra

48. Injury Reserve — Injury Reserve

47. Kevin Abstract — Arizona Baby

46. SAINt JHN — Ghetto Lenny’s Love Songs

45. Griselda — WWCD

Griselda’s debut album, WWCD, does not feel like a traditional debut. The record is wider in scope and sharper in presentation. Between the ferocity of Benny The Butcher, the ear of Westside Gunn, and the mighty snarl of Conway The Machine, Griselda are Buffalo, NY’s unstoppable force. As a group, Griselda have little to prove. Alone and together, the trio have gotten cosigns from some of hip-hop’s greatest writers: Black Thought, Pusha-T, and Raekwon. Respect given is respect earned and studied, in the case of Griselda. Bar for bar, WWCD is the essence of New York street rap for the modern era.—Donna-Claire Chesman

44. Maxo Kream — Brandon Banks

43. Kemba — Gilda

42. Mereba — The Jungle Is The Only Way Out

41. Baby Rose — To Myself

40. Lucky Daye — Painted

Given this was his debut record, Lucky Daye could've played it safe. As anyone who's heard "Roll Some Mo"—Painted's lead single and Lucky's breakout hit—knows, there's a wrenching tenderness to his voice that fits like a glove atop stripped-back production. The risk he took to pepper his album with funkier pop cuts, then, is not one every artist would have taken. Fortunately, Lucky rises to the challenge, proving himself a dynamic enough artist to erase this risk altogether. Plus, when he breaks out those vocals, they're all the more affecting because they've been used sparingly.—Hershal Pandya

39. KOTA The Friend — FOTO

No album warrants a tracklist of 19 songs. Yet, in crafting a worthy spiritual successor to the Rawkus Records era of music that many fondly romanticize, KOTA The Friend comes as close as humanly possible to justifying this run-time on FOTO. The album personifies the term “easy-listening,” maintaining a consistent mood throughout between KOTA’s strikingly unaffected delivery and the delicate, jazzy production on which he raps. No slouch on the mic, KOTA possesses a rare gift for situating bravado alongside vulnerability. He conjures favorable similarities to Phonte at his best, but not so much that FOTO ever suffers for these comparisons. —Hershal Pandya

38. Future — Future Hndrxx Presents: The WIZRD

Women, wealth, and worries are the three Ws found pulsing through the veins of Future’s seventh studio album, . Lyrically, there’s nothing new under WZRD’s promethazine sun, but the magic is in his ability to resurrect old muses as revamped concepts. Future hasn’t radically changed over the years, but here the presentation is altered. WZRD is another installment of melodic confessing, hypnotic anthems, and oil-black trap production that carries the infectious torch passed down from its predecessors. Still, it stands alone as a fresh glimpse into Future’s rockstar world. —Yoh

37. Quelle Chris — Guns

Quelle Chris is self-aware enough to know that everything in this life—emotions, money, ourselves—is weaponized. His sixth studio album Guns isn’t about physical violence as much as it’s a deconstruction of the actions we take in a world slowly devouring itself. Quelle travels the roads of Trump’s America with a twisted sense of humor and animated beats as his only sidearms, jumping between characters, ideas, and planes of existence as only he can. Guns is a polemic on reality itself, a reminder that no weapon formed against a sharp mind shall prosper. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

36. Toro y Moi — Outer Peace

What good is inner peace when the outer world is falling apart? Toro y Moi’s Outer Peace combines a sleek disco sheen with contemporary rap cadences to bring pep to an increasingly passive-aggressive world. The housing market has crashed (“New House”), and sex barely sells like it used to (“Ordinary Pleasure”), but at least James Murphy is spinning records at his house tonight (“Laws of The Universe”). That cynical sense of humor alone will keep your toe tapping throughout Outer Peace, that is,if the gorgeous grooves and crushing low-end don’t. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

35. James Blake — Assume Form

The most accessible of his projects to date, is a triumphant release that marks the evolution of James Blake’s artistry, as he matures past the reductive “sad boy” label he’s famously lamented. An unapologetically romantic album, Blake sheds the claustrophobic production of his previous output in favor of shimmering compositions, genuine hooks, and winning collaborations with the likes of André 3000 and Rosalia. Retaining his lyrical flair, Blake punctuates the album with quintessential lines, like “let's go home and talk shit about everyone,” that reminds you of the artist who first grabbed your attention years ago. —Hershal Pandya

34. Bad Bunny — X 100PRE

I’m in love with the way Bad Bunny says his name. I’m a sucker for a good self-reference, but I’m even more of a sucker for the way Bad Bunny bets on his longevity. With that, X 100PRE, Bunny’s debut album, is about being everlasting in a microwaved music industry. The record covers all adjacent hip-hop genres—which, at this point, means all genres—from pop-punk to trap, to lighter fare, and ballads with fine attention to getting our hips moving. You hear Bad Bunny, and you dance; you sing your heart out; you weep, and you celebrate. In one record, Bad Bunny captured every mode of human living. —Donna-Claire Chesman

33. Kyle Dion — SUGA

There are no words to explain Kyle Dion’s amazing, stunning, arresting, becoming, disarming, endearing, charming, affirming, enchanting, beguiling, mollifying, soothing, blaring, encouraging, surprising, yearning, pining, astounding, breathtaking, stupefying, thrilling, outstanding, exciting, exhilarating, electrifying, intoxicating, moving vocal tone on SUGA. Just press play. —Donna-Claire Chesman

32. Kehlani — While We Wait

While We Wait isn’t the full entrée, it’s just the appetizer. While waiting on the full-length follow-up to 2017’s SweetSexySavage, Kehlani treated fans to a taste of where she’s heading next. Kehlani bares her soul as staunchly as she always has to provide an unfiltered look into her state of mind. On While We Wait, she’s equal parts vulnerable and commanding, struggling to move on from a complicated relationship on “Too Deep” before confidently telling off an old lover on “Nunya.” With a diverse complement of beats, storylines, and moods, there’s plenty to enjoy on this small project. —Kenan Draughorne

31. 2 Chainz — Rap or Go to the League

Twenty-three years after the late, great Notorious B.I.G. rapped, “Either you’re slinging crack rock, or you got a wicked jump shot,” Atlanta hip-hop veteran 2 Chainz stands as an example of a man who had the jump shot and sold the drugs but ultimately chose rap as his escape route from poverty. His fifth studio album, Rap or Go to the League, is an opulent celebration inspired by the city that raised him and the odds he’s overcome. Rap or go to the League is a grown man still progressing as an artist, finding his most introspective voice. —Yoh

30. slowthai — Nothing Great About Britain

An agile storyteller, Northampton’s slowthai expertly mixes elements of UK grime and drill while unpacking the micro and macro of his British upbringing. Carrying no pretensions and seamlessly style-shifting across genres with his frenetic cadence, the singular rapper makes you move and listen simultaneously. In a year that has seen British rap dominate—from DAVE and Little Simz to Skepta and Octavian—slowthai’s versatility and poignant messaging set him apart. He’s funny while commanding attention, hilariously painting stark portraits of British classism, racism, and abuse in an ultimately gripping and focused fashion. —Zach Miller

29. Maxo — LIL BIG MAN

Maxo makes growing up sound incisive and blaring. This album takes place in the crevices of the torment of maturing. is a dusty reclamation of voice, relying on traditional boom bap structures and methodical writing to deliver a solemnly eviscerating experience. The wisdom baked into LIL BIG MAN will at once inspire, surprise, and soothe you. Maxo is Def Jam’s best-kept secret, but not for much longer. —Donna-Claire Chesman

28. Lizzo — Cuz I Love You

Equal parts bold, sexy, and witty, is a commanding listen that features Lizzo at her best. Harnessing her confident mic presence and ear for massive hooks, Lizzo creates a genuinely urgent body of work. A showcase for her eclectic sensibilities, the album jumps effortlessly between the eponymous opener, which recalls the work of The Alabama Shakes, to the infectious pop stylings of “Juice,” without missing a beat. It’s a shame Lizzo infamously fixated on one mixed review because overwhelmingly, the universal response to Cuz I Love You was justifiably glowing. —Hershal Pandya

27. Anderson .Paak — Ventura

A throwback to the beloved soul music of the ’70s, is a return to form for Anderson .Paak after the mixed bag that was . The key takeaway here is Anderson .Paak is fine when he raps, but he is special when he sings. Whether via the glorious, Smokey Robinson-assisted cut, “Make It Better,” or the disarmingly danceable, “Twilight,” Ventura is a breathing testament to this takeaway. The album offers lush canvasses to showcase the stunningly silky tone of .Paak’s voice. Add to this a transcendent André 3000 guest verse, and the case for Ventura becomes undeniable. —Hershal Pandya

26. GoldLink — Diaspora

Subtlety isn’t a characteristic that listeners often encounter on a major label album; the machine believes in a straight line product that doesn’t require further explanation. That’s not GoldLink. The Maryland native is a master of music woven to unveil slowly. With , his RCA “debut,” Link has created his most subtle, yet replayable work of art. Thanks to production warm as spring, Diaspora is a splash of Utopian sunshine, yet in the shadows of his lyrics, the 26-year-old is adding his mysterious life to the lexicon of Black music. It’s the mystery that endures, not the explanation, and GoldLink shapes Diaspora to be an album that lasts. —Yoh

25. Solange — When I Get Home

Solange’s take on Houston hip-hop belongs in a museum. She treats her hometown’s “chopped and screwed” traditions with elevated care throughout When I Get Home, placing it on a golden pedestal to be admired and revered. Dispersing interludes at every turn in the form of fragmented conversations and poems, she creates a linear journey that eternally builds upon itself. When “Almeda” parades into the spotlight with strutting kicks and whooping vocals, it’s impossible not to stand and salute Solange. —Kenan Draughorne

24. Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats — Anger Management

Kenny! Rico! Together! A match perfectly made, is a brisk concept album that captures all the stages of a temper tantrum and boasts some of Rico’s best work (“Big Titties”), and highlights the duo’s impeccable chemistry. Rico made this album from the heat of anger and the thrill of the up-and-down. She imparts boundless energy unto every cut. Kenny’s production is from another plane where music is warped and only made on acid. Their collective thump and vigor make Anger Management the pump-up album of every summer. —Donna-Claire Chesman

23. billy woods — Terror Management

You can’t eat books. You can’t rest easy at night. You can’t trust those closest to you. These are the lessons of billy woods’ second album of 2019, Terror Management. A show of strength from woods, who is writing through the apocalypse, Terror Management feels like being led down a series of jagged alleyways by a dishonest narrator. A narrator who is mistrustful in their own right. The album is knotty and internal. The album is wounded and beside itself. At times, Terror Management serenades fear. Sometimes, it merely quakes in place. Sometimes, woods cracks a joke. Most importantly, Terror Management is fucking good, man. Fucking. Good. —Donna-Claire Chesman

22. Ari Lennox — Shea Butter Baby

Ari Lennox blessed my new apartment during our interview; her soul is kind, and her music is knowing. Her musings on the failures of modern dating sound scrumptious with her silky vocal texture. The beauty of Shea Butter Baby is in the way Ari captures minutiae and makes it sound regal. She does not pull from the abstract, and it’s the rootedness of her art, the humble quality of the content, that makes the album such a triumph. Ari’s professing that this record is for Black women, too, is triumphant. The beauty and love of community permeate the work. —Donna-Claire Chesman

21. Polo G — Die A Legend

Polo G isn’t waiting to receive his flowers. At just 20 years old, the Chicago rapper’s debut album, Die A Legend,reads like a breathless statement of purpose. Life has taken too much from the rapper, born Taurus Bartlett, for him to quit now. Across the album’s 14 tracks, scars created by loved ones lost (“Deep Wounds”) and a corrupt police system (“BST”) compel his meticulous croons. Even a banger like “Pop Out” mixes the spoils of victory and pained reflection with dizzying ease. Die A Legend maintains this balance throughout, finding energy in the melancholic. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

20. Snoh Aalegra — -ugh, those feels again

Often, you'll listen to a modern R&B record, and sandwiched between trap concessions and crossover attempts, will be a bare and emotive track that'll make you wonder, “why isn’t this the album?” On , Snoh Aalegra took this approach and ran with it, constructing an album composed entirely of these deep-cuts. The effect is 14 organic songs, across which Aalegra shows remarkable restraint. Though her vocals are as lush as the production, she's careful never to over-sing or push for the emotion. As she acknowledges via the album's title, the "feels" are more of an inevitability than anything else. —Hershal Pandya

19. DaBaby — Baby On Baby

DaBaby’s Baby On Baby is 32 minutes of exhilarating trap sermons. He builds the church of Baby On Baby upon confidence pure as cocaine, a charisma so contagious it could charm the Halliwell sisters. The lively, dynamic production perfectly fits his distinctive, Southern rap voice. There are few holes to be found in DaBaby’s artistic armor; it’s refreshing to hear a new artist sound so developed. Baby On Baby is one of the most replayable albums of the year, and at this rate, we will remember 2019 as the year that DaBaby broke out and began his hip-hop takeover. —Yoh

18. Burna Boy — African Giant

With African Giant, international Nigerian superstar Burna Boy created more than a masterpiece. He created a social statement and global experience. Burna paints a spiritual picture, one that is uniquely his own, yet still feels like it belongs to all of us. African Giant is undeniably Naija, dipped in history and Yoruba dialect, leaping over language and cultural barriers. Burna’s lyrics are poignant, coasting over production charged with Afrofusion anthems, dancehall riddims, and hymns. The 19-track album is not just a vibe; it’s a victory. —Ronnia Cherry

17. Boogie — Everythings For Sale

On , Boogie accomplishes the rare feat of making an intensely personal album that is simultaneously self-aware and suitably mature enough to avoid veering into the trap of solipsism. A distinctly West Coast album that borrows influences from the Midwest, Boogie brings the specificity of his lyricism to life with pretty production, alliteration-heavy flows, and an effortless knack for melody. All of these come together to create a surprisingly pleasant listening experience, despite the album’s undeniably dense subject matter. —Hershal Pandya

16. Little Brother — May The Lord Watch

That North Carolina duo Little Brother’s exists is a blessing. It was unclear if we’d ever see Little Brother—currently comprised of rappers Phonte and Rapper Big Pooh—on a record together again, but they pulled it off. On their fifth album, they sound like they’re happy to be together again. Phonte and Pooh appear rejuvenated, modernizing The Minstrel Show’saestheticwhile still dropping jewels that rap fans of any age will find relatable. The beats shimmer, and the rhymes are funny and poignant. Let’s be thankful that UBN’s hiatus was only temporary. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

15. EarthGang — Mirrorland

EarthGang’s Dreamville debut, , doesn’t stop moving. The motion of each song is exuberant and dynamic, a result of multi-flavored carnival production paired with WowGr8 and Olu’s animated storytelling. How the creative West Atlanta duo stretch and morph their voices to match a variety of styles and sounds make for an exhilarating debut album. It’s a Crayola box wrapped in dynamite. Mirrorland explodes from start to finish. —Yoh

14. Rapsody — Eve

Rapsody’s life music has evolved. Where 2017’s saw Rap focusing inward and weaving a gorgeous tapestry of the Black woman’s experience, features Rap looking outward in all directions. With her most enlivened performances to date, Rapsody honors the Black women who came before her, all to the point of creating opportunities for the Black women who will come after her to take up space. As an album, Eve is lively and emboldened. As a mission statement, Eve is admirable. Rapsody’s deep love of history and Blackness make this the most excitable album in her deep catalog. —Donna-Claire Chesman

13. Beyoncé — HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM

I remember falling in love when I first saw the HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM during a live screening of Coachella. Beyoncé has always been a great performer, but this album is more than just a performance. HOMECOMING: THE LIVE ALBUM pays homage to the Black artists that came before Beyoncé, it acknowledges how her Blackness has shaped her, and how she has shaped her Blackness. When she decided to share this moment of brilliance with the world, there was one word that came to mind: thankful. HOMECOMING is a replica of Beyoncé’s Coachella performance. It doesn’t just take us back to the moment; it fully placed us in it, as if we were there with her witnessing her at her peak. —Simi Moonlight

12. Danny Brown — uknowhatimsayin¿

Even at its darkest, Danny Brown’s music is bunches of fun. He gets immense joy from rhyming words together over the weirdest beats he can find. His traditionalist methods and gonzo music preferences meet halfway like never before on his fifth studio album The conceptual bombast of previous projects is thrown out the studio windows for thoughtful raps over zany beats. Executive produced by Q-Tip, the project is loose and punchy, chock full of vignettes as suitable for an open-mic standup set as they are for a rap album. At 38 years old, Danny has little left to prove. uknowhatimsayin¿ makes every word count. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

11. Megan Thee Stallion — Fever

The rise of Megan Thee Stallion is a blessing to witness. With her formal 300 Entertainment debut, the “1501 Queen” establishes herself as one of the most charismatic forthright rappers working. Her energy is explosive. Her writing is bombastic. Her deliveries are bursting with conviction and swagger. Megan Thee Mack is unchained and unstoppable on , a celebration of her Houston roots and flair for spending another man’s coin. Megan is a dominant force in hip-hop, and considering the sheer strength of Fever, she does not seem to be slowing down. —Donna-Claire Chesman

10. Young Thug — So Much Fun

is a safer work than some of Young Thug’s more elastic, head-spinning offerings. Across 18 songs, the long-awaited debut uses shoulder-shaking trap rhythms and ear-candy melodies to deliver his most accessible work since Rich Gang’s 2014 mixtape, Rich Gang: Tha Tour Pt. 1. It’s still Thug, though. He provides humor and hits, thrilling bravado, and infectious style, all while being the original nucleus that inspires many of his contemporaries today. So Much Fun is the commercial oeuvre for an artist who was always a star but never shined in the mainstream. —Yoh

9. FKA twigs — MAGDALENE

Heartbreak can be oddly beautiful. Rarely do people experience the depths of human emotion as fiercely as when they’re cocooned in its all-consuming agony. If this sounds at all like bad teenage poetry, trust me when I say FKA twigs mines this territory much more gracefully on her transcendent sophomore album, MAGDALENE. Listening to her sing tortured lyrics like, “Were you ever sure? No, no, no, not with me” in her painfully pretty falsetto, it’s hard not to luxuriate in her—and, by extension, your—palpable anguish. Musically, the album conveys the same message more viscerally. It envelops you in asphyxiating production, delivering pockets of euphoric catharsis in the form of cinematic instrumental flourishes and twigs’ gorgeous, boundless vocals. —Hershal Pandya

8. MAVI — Let the Sun Talk

MAVI wants us to understand him on his terms. At just 20 years old, the Charlotte, North Carolina native is capable of bending words to his will, a Sorcerer Supreme in the making coming to grips with his Infinity Stone. On his debut album, , MAVI’s words exist on the borders of Black thought, spirituality, and raw honesty; they are puzzles revealing different configurations with every listen. If you know, you know, and if you don’t, MAVI’s technical skill and ear for beats are enough to pull in weary travelers. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

7. billy woods & Kenny Segal — Hiding Places

billy woods and Kenny Segal are not scared; they are not in hiding. Instead, they are affecting wordsmith and mad scientist banding together to traverse the depths of retread emotions. A record concerned with the past and what it means for an emotional space to become hollow, will challenge and reward you in the same turn. Kenny Segal’s production is quietly cacophonous and cloudy, while woods presents his most direct and open writing to date. The pair belongs together. —Donna-Claire Chesman

6. Denzel Curry — ZUU

Denzel Curry is proof you can always go home. His latest album, ZUU, is a testament to home as the ultimate battery charger. Curry sheds the conceptual bombast of his last album, TA13OO, in favor of a non-stop thrill ride through the streets of his native Carol City, Florida. The sun-drenched comforts and drawbacks of home, along with clanging production from longtime collaborators FnZ, help him paint some of the most vivid images of his career. These are top-down bangers baked in the 98-degree sun. With ZUU, Denzel Curry found freedom in his backyard. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

5. Little Simz — GREY Area

Little Simz wants you to stop fucking with her heart. She says as much two tracks into , her boldly cathartic third studio album. At 25, Simz is approaching the threshold of adulthood with more questions than answers, armed with bars that cut to the bone. She’s been one of the UK’s best rappers for years, but her songs have never been so focused, the beats—cooked up by longtime producer Inflo—never so varied and explosive. GREY Area is her masterwork, a panoramic view of a future star fighting back a quarter-life crisis. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

4. Dave — Psychodrama

Plenty of reviews have regarded Dave’s as an album of a generation, a landmark of UK hip-hop, and we have to agree. Dave burrows into the depths of his psyche, and bravely reports his findings in an accessible and banging format. He makes the intimate aggressive and touching all at once. Psychodrama reveals Dave to be a master writer and rapper, an artist’s artist, and an artist to watch for years to come. —Donna-Claire Chesman

3. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib — Bandana

Good rap sequels are hard to come by. Thankfully, Freddie Gibbs and Madlib aren’t your average rapper-producer duo. Their debut album, 2014’s , recontextualized their respective sounds while cross-pollinating with each other’s audiences. This year’s is more holistic in form, its creators in sync for the first time. Their camaraderie strengthens Gibbs’ elastic flows (“Situations”) and storytelling (“Fake Names”) as much as it pushes Madlib to embellish his trademark samples with trap hi-hats (“Half Manne Half Cocaine”) and crisp kick drums (“Gat Damn”). Trust and freedom embolden this latest chapter in the MadGibbs Cinematic Universe. —Dylan "CineMasai" Green

2. Jamila Woods — Legacy! Legacy!

Jamila Woods makes eternal music. Her runs, her inflections, and her writing are all meant to stand the test of time. On Legacy! Legacy!,Jamila performs a time-bending act, bringing her literary heroes back to life and keeping them squarely in our thoughts as she carries their poetics into her classic album. Legacy!’s success is rooted in a fullness of life and self-love. There is so much agony in the world, but there is still so much love to share. Jamila Woods is in the business of spreading love. Plus, the record also doubles as a great reading list. —Donna-Claire Chesman

1. Tyler, the Creator — IGOR

was a new dawn for Tyler, The Creator. A heartbroken and deluxe dawn. A funky and riveting one. IGOR covered the whole spectrum of heartache. From urgency and helplessness to naming, to pining, to grieving, to coming into yourself. Every step of nursing our lost souls was found on IGOR. The operative question of this epic album is: Who do we become when the rug is pulled out from under us, and our hearts break? The answer is multiple, and each thread of reply makes up the fabric of IGOR. We became angry. We become obsessive. We become deranged. We become desperate, at first for the past, and finally, for peace.

We’ve lived with IGOR for seven months. In those seven months, new meanings have continued to reveal themselves as the album gets uninterrupted play. I heard IGOR at a taco spot in Philly. I hear IGOR in my sleep. The ubiquity of its themes makes it an easy record to latch onto, sure. But the sparkle of its static, the grandiosity of its arrangement, and the needling melodies and vocal performances make IGOR a sonic marvel, too. Let’s also not forget this album is a queer triumph.

IGOR is the album of the year because it was the most ambitious and wrenching record of 2019. IGOR is an album you hold tight and play deep into the night and then play again when the sun comes up, and your eyes are crusted. It’s the album you remember during your last fight, and the album you play when you’ve achieved apathy in the face of pain. It’s the album for when you care too much, and for when you sincerely hope they’re happy. IGOR is as spectacular as the heartbreak itself.

In a world committed to making us all feel like tiny performers on tiny stages, dancing for imaginary currency, IGOR expands our universes. Suddenly, our every move feels precious, purposeful. Our feelings become valid; our hopes and dreams become imperative. Who we are is imperative. Tyler may be wearing a pressed suit and wig, but he is unmasked. Thanks to IGOR, we follow suit.—Donna-Claire Chesman

This content was originally published here.

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abthepoet · 5 years ago

Text

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

#death #story #story prompt #grief #friends #loss #love #dying #grieving #sad #lessons #life lessons #writeblr #writing #compose

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innerpowercounseling-blog · 6 years ago

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A Decluttered Life, Part 2

Items and Identity

Let’s begin at the beginning.

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, I recognized the need to start from scratch, giving myself the space and time to literally examine every object I owned, from clothing to paper clips. The only way to understand the impact of the things in my life was to surround myself with them. Viewed in their totality, there was nowhere for me to hide and no excuses. So I began to follow the KonMari method* in earnest, pulling out all the items in a certain category and holding each one in turn. Then I allowed myself to honestly experience the feelings and thoughts associated with each item. I soon learned that most of what I owned had more insidious ties than I had expected.

For such a long time I had battled with myself over the things I owned. I knew the life I wanted to lead, both personally and professionally, and worked hard to give myself permission to pursue that life, no matter what anyone else thought. I felt increasing clarity around the difference between the way of living that I valued and the life it seemed I was expected to lead. I knew what looked good—important position, fancy office, big house, nice things. But for my husband and I, it wasn’t what felt good. It did not bring life or joy. Accumulation is the norm for a lot of us, and we each have our own reasons for owning things—for soothing ourselves through what we consume. I do not believe that every item we own was bought in an effort to soothe ourselves or meet an inner need, and I do not believe that big houses are the enemy of the soul. What I do know is that I fell into the trap of accumulation and appearances way too many times, and stayed there for longer than I wanted.

When I owned certain items or books, I felt that they said something about me. They told the world who I was and what I liked, as if those objects were my credentials. “See, I am a smart and valuable person. I love Sartre and here is the proof: I own his books and plays. I am also interesting and unique, as well as a real female nerd. Look at my varied collection of figures and video games. I am a good wife and mother. See my nice pillows and tidy kitchen?” The items also told me something about myself: “I affirm you. As long as you own me, you are still connected and valuable. You have not lost the magic of your childhood. Hold onto me, and you will have light in the darkness and way to protect yourself.” I heard and I believed.

I now understand that I did not feel like a full person with a connection to my core Self. My internal house was constantly at the mercy of my own tornado. I experienced my life in pieces—different parts of me swirling around at dizzying speeds, lost and without a tether. I wanted to own my experiences and love what I loved simply for myself, but as long as I believed that I needed the approval of others, I was stuck. I had to vigilantly search for—and hide away—any part of me that did not fit what others seemed to value. I created closets upon closets of dirty secrets, shoved away whenever company came over. Messy bedroom? Close the door. Extra weight? Hide it. Tatoos? Wear long sleeves. Doctor Who figures? Put them away when “real adults” come over and pull them out when nerdy friends pop by.

It is exhausting and lonely to know yourself only through the opinions of the outside world. And while some people are open with their judgments, most are not. So we take on the maddening task of inferring what other people think, painstakingly sieving through every look and conversation. And we scan the outside world, religiously taking in the pictures and comments of others, hoping they will tell us what is good and how we can become valuable. What we actually want or need gets lost. And that is where I found myself—pulling back and realizing that not all of my life was authentic. Not all of me wanted the things I was collecting and striving for. But where was my true voice? Sometimes I could barely hear it.

What I want for myself, and for my family, is a life of true love—fueled by the joy of creativity and connected to the souls and minds of others. I cannot reach that place by staying the same and simply accepting what comes. I cannot connect to others when I am afraid of myself. So whatever gets in the way of being in that genuine place needs to be examined and re-examined. I want to know within myself who I am and what I stand for, unshaken by the opinions and judgments of others. When I believe in myself and my family, then I do not need to show others who I am, and my life does not depend on their decisions about me. I do not need other people to believe I am intelligent and professional. I will show them with my actions, or I will not. But no book on my shelf or clothing on my body can do that for me. I do that for myself.

Staking claim to my Self happened in many forms, including the decision to truly discard the trappings of success and identity. If I held an object in my hands and felt that I owned it to please someone else, I let it go. If I knew that a book was only on the shelf in hopes that the right person would see it and think highly of me, that book needed to move on. With a gentle kiss (yes, literally) I thanked the item for its help and placed in gently in a donation bag. As I did this, I not only saw my external world expand, my internal world lightened as well.

I felt connected to the power within me—the power I had placed my hope in even before I was certain it existed. I could reach up my hands and gently remove the blindfold. In my blindness, I had assumed my weights were chained tightly to me, burdened with locks I could never break. Now I could see the truth. There were many weights, yes, but the chains were weak and most of them had no locks. If I wanted, I could stand up and walk right out.

The internal world is a complicated one, and I admit that I had to walk out of the same door more than once. A few times I found that an object held layers of meaning for me and while I could recognize that it was tied to my identity, I still found it hard to let go. Often, those items had nostalgic, emotional energy as well, and needed to be revisited. I had to acknowledge the part of me that feared the loss of emotional connection as well as the part that longed to be seen and valued. With complex items, I also made a promise—from my Self, to every part of me. We would not squander our new freedom. While our chosen path would wind and narrow at times, looking very unlike the path of our neighbors, we would be faithful to ourselves and those we loved, walking in trust and faith. I believe we will not be disappointed.

References

*Kondo, M. (2014). The life-changing magic of tidying up: The japanese art of decluttering and organizing. New York, NY: Ten Speed Press.

Disclaimer:This is a blog, which contains a mixture of my current knowledge and opinions. The information is accurate to the best of my knowledge but may contain omissions, errors, or mistakes. I am a psychologist licensed to practice in the state of Washington, but this article does not create a psychologist-client relationship. I am providing psychological information and my own opinions for informational purposes only, and anything I present should not be seen as psychological, emotional, or medical advice or treatment. You should consult with a mental health professional or your primary care physician before you rely on this information or take any action. I reserve the right to change how I manage or run my blog and may change the focus or content at any time.

#healing #psychology #self-care #self-awareness #declutter #cleaning #mindfulness #therapy #konmari #marie kondo #joy #self #myself #clutter

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beenhereseenthis · 7 years ago

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The Day Zero Project, or How I Convinced Myself to Do 140 Things Before My 40th Birthday

Start Date: January 1, 2018

End Date: October 29, 2021

Current Progress: 4/140 Completed

Money Saved for Items Completed:

Money Donated for Items Failed:

Last updated: July 15, 2018

Travel (0/34)

Act like a tourist in NYC.

Explore 5 new museums that I’ve never been to before. (0/5)

Go on a tour of the White House.

(Virginia) - Stay at Smith Mountain Lake.

(Virginia) - Tour Arlington National Cemetery.

(Virginia) - See the tulips at Burnside Farms in Haymarket.

(Virginia) - Do the Route 11 Yard Crawl.

(Virginia) - Explore Richmond.

(Virginia) - Find - and photograph - at least 10 “Love” signs

(Virginia) - Have a staycation.

(Austin) - Attend a live music show.

(Austin) - Find - and photograph - at least 10 of the Austin murals.

(Austin) - Go to either Schlitterbahn or Barton Springs.

(Austin) - Go bar hopping on 6th Street.

(Austin) - Conquer my fear and see the bats under Congress Avenue Bridge (and try not to have a panic attack in the process).

(New Jersey) - Explore Seaside Heights.

(New Jersey) - Attend the Quick Chek Festival of Ballooning in Readington (and maybe ride a balloon?)

(New Jersey) - Explore Cape May.

(New Jersey) - Explore Asbury Park.

Visit an iconic haunted building/location. (0/1)

Go on another cruise

Get 3 new stamps in my passport (0/3).

Visit 3 new foreign countries that I’ve never been to (0/3).

Visit - and spend at least one night in - a minimum of 3 US states per year (0/12).

Wake up in Vegas.

Spend a night in an ice hotel.

Travel by train, either within the US or from the US to Canada.

Visit 5 iconic horror movie landmarks. (0/5)

Go camping (staying in a cabin counts!)

Take a weekend trip by myself at least once (0/1)

Visit the Pioneer Woman Mercantile Store and tour the Drummond Ranch in Pawhuska, OK.

Stay in a bed and breakfast.

Go on a haunted ghost tour.

Explore Harper’s Ferry in WV.

Food and Drink (0/21)

Eat breakfast in bed.

Learn how to make my favorite martinis.

Try 5 new foods. (1/5) risotto

Have afternoon tea in the US.

Try food from 10 new food trucks. (0/10)

Attend the New York City Wine and Food Festival or the Austin Wine and Food Festival (or both!)

Have a cheesesteak taste test in Philly - Pat’s vs. Geno’s

Eat at 3 celebrity restaurants (0/3)

Go fruit picking and bake something from scratch using the fruit picked.

Have a drink at an ice bar.

Make one signature meal from each of the countries my family is from.

Attend a murder-mystery dinner.

Try 100 new recipes and make a photo cookbook of all recipes tried (62/100)

Go on a food tour in NYC.

Go on a food tour in DC or Baltimore.

Eat Maryland crab cakes in Maryland.

Try 100 new restaurants both close to home and while traveling (2/100) - The Sandwich Shop, Vienna, VA; Marinara Pizza, New York, NY

Prepare a meal using only items bought from a farmer’s market

Take a sushi class and learn how to roll my own sushi.

Conquer my fear and learn to cook fish that isn’t already frozen. (Completed 03/05/18)

Eat at 10 diners I’ve never been to (bonus points if they’re not in NJ) (0/10).

Entertainment (0/23)

Attend 5 live tapings of TV shows (0/5).

Attend 5 fandom conventions (0/5).

Re-read all Harry Potter books, including books in the HP universe...

...and then have a Harry Potter movie marathon.

See an MLB game.

Attend a concert of a band/singer I’ve never seen before.

Go to a drive-in movie theater 5 times (0/5).

Attend a trivia event.

Go to the movies 25 times (0/25).

Attend a Redskins game at FedEx field with my mom for her 55th birthday.

Xbox Gamerscore - improve from 50,600 to 75,000 (0/24,400)

PlayStation Trophies - improve from 128 to 300 (0/172)

Xbox 100% Complete Games - improve from 8 to 15 (0/7)

PlayStation 100% Complete Games - improve from 1 to 10 (4/10)

Read/listen to 140 books and track on Goodreads (bonus points if listed on the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge!) (1/140) In Conclusion, Don’t Worry About It (Lauren Graham)

See 3 new plays on Broadway or the West End (0/3).

Have a Lord of the Rings/Hobbit movie marathon.

See 10 classic movies that I’ve never seen (0/10)

Complete a 30-day photo challenge and post to Instagram (0/30).

Attend a local fair/festival.

Attend 3 comedy shows (0/3).

See something at Wolf Trap.

Watch 31 horror movies each October (2018 - 0/31; 2019 - 0/31; 2020 - 0/31; 2021 - 0/31)

Finance Goals (0/10)

Complete the 52-week money challenge (0/52).

Pay off my car in full (and do not buy another car unless absolutely necessary)

Pay down my student loans by 25%.

Buy shares of stock in 10 of my favorite companies (1/10) Starbucks

Get 401k to $25,000

Pay down debt by 25%

Create - and maintain - an emergency fund of at least $1,000 ($1,000/$1,000) (Completed 05/29/18) still maintained as of 07/15/18

Buy - or be in the process of buying - a house.

Improve my credit score with all three bureaus.

Add $10 to savings for each completed item.

Personal Goals (0/28)

Lose 25 lbs. (0/25)...

...and then lose another 25 lbs. (0/25)

Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle.

Attempt 15 DIY projects saved to my Pinterest boards (0/15)

Set up a coffee bar in the dining room.

Set up a gallery wall in the living room.

Finish building and organizing the bookshelves in my bedroom...

...and then post a bookshelfy to Instagram.

Take 3 classes through Fairfax County ACE program (0/3).

Participate in 3 events sponsored by the Smithsonian Associates (0/3)

Take - and do well on - the GRE (and GRE subject tests, if needed)...

...and then reapply - and get accepted to - a Psy.D or Ph.D program.

Renew my passport and have a better picture.

Complete either Ancestry DNA and/or 23andme

Complete family tree (to the best of my ability) to at least five generations from me

Learn calligraphy

Learn how to knit and make something.

Donate blood (and find out my blood type).

Take a baking/cooking class.

Take a photography class or tour.

Achieve 50% fluency in Spanish through Duolingo (Completed 02/26/18)

Vote in every Presidential and Non-Presidential election.

Do more with my Masters than just hang it on a wall.

Start another list when this list is finished (and add any of the items I failed to do)

For at least one year, note one good thing that happened each week and, on New Year’s Eve, reflect back on the amazing year I had (0/52)

Do something fantastic for my 40th birthday.

Create a vision board at the beginning of each year (2019, 2020, 2021)

Do something out of my comfort zone.

Family (0/3)

Do something with Max (TBD)

Do something with Michael (TBD)

Take Melissa to the Lucille Ball Museum in Jamestown, NY

Charity (0/7)

Volunteer for a cause that I’m passionate about

Donate to 5 kickstarter or gofundme projects that I believe in or that are of interest to me (0/5).

Give back to my colleges (0/3)

Donate to Toys for Tots each year (2018, 2019, 2020).

Donate $10 for each item I fail to complete.

Walk a 5k for a charity.

Tip 100% at a restaurant on a bill that totals more than $20.

Random (1/14)

Go to a shooting range and learn how to shoot a gun.

Collect Starbucks cups from 10 different cities and/or states (0/10).

Buy fresh flowers for my office at least 10 times (0/10).

Get a small tattoo.

Visit a cat café.

Get a psychic reading/get my palm read.

Own something from Tiffany’s.

Create an Instagram to document progress; link back to Tumblr. (Completed 01/01/18)

Have a legit picnic.

Own a Le Creuset dutch oven.

Ride on a sailboat.

Purchase - and maintain - a “where I’ve been” map.

Get a blow out at a dry bar.

Meet 10 celebrities (0/10)

#dayzeroproject #todobeforeim40 #101 in 1001 #bucketlist

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dandonnarumma · 7 years ago

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From Spark to Flame

Two years ago, as my wife and I drove from Rochester, NY to Ilion, NY to spend Thanksgiving with her family, a malaise washed over me that I was unable to pinpoint. I had been dealing with some things around that time, and I was feeling uneasy on a regular basis. That car ride wound up being a life changing experience for me. A conversation, an episode of The Tim Ferriss Podcast, and a defining moment of clarity affected me in a way that was initially scary, but has since been liberating in ways I never would have expected. What I'm going to share was written roughly two years ago, right after celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. I wrote it and wasn't quite sure what to do with it at the time, and saved it for the right moment. I entitled it From Spark to Flame, and I think that title is perfectly apt. Enjoy!

Growing up, my dad owned his own carpentry business, and his company’s clients were located primarily in and around New York City. After I graduated high school, I’d make a few extra bucks here and there by getting thrown into job sites for my father, primarily working as a grunt on jobs. But around my sophomore year of college, I really started to work more regularly with my father's company. During my breaks in college, I’d be able to work for him, commuting from Long Island into the boroughs of New York, experiencing the demands of a full-time job that was physically taxing like a son of a bitch. When summer breaks rolled around, I knew I always had a job waiting for me with my father’s business. And I loved that! It paid well, afforded me good hours-at times 60-70 hours a week-I got to spend most of my week in the City, and I was working with some dudes that were crazy, weird, and goofy, but in a good way.

My older brother, Chris, had been working for my father for years, starting right after he graduated high school, and did his best to show me the ropes, keep me in line, and help me out when needed. On nights when I was at a job later than normal, and was exhausted from working long hours, I’d crash at his place, and then head out to work the following day.

One night, after a long day and night of working, Chris offered his couch for me to crash on, and I happily accepted. As we were relaxing, my brother and I started talking about life, the future, and our dreams. Let me preface this by saying that my brother and I are polar opposites in terms of our interests and likes. I love my brother, but we are complete polar opposites. Anyway, I mentioned to him that I had been really thinking a lot of traveling. I told him I had dreams of seeing America, Europe, Asia, really as much of the world as possible, but would be happy with hitchhiking my way across the country (I recently finished reading Dharma Punx and really wanted to trek the entirety of this beautiful, crazy, goddamn country). He told me I was crazy and ridiculous, that it was a fool's dream to think like that. He told me I needed to work, focus on finishing college, and then put my efforts into getting a job that my education was preparing me for.

There was the one side of me that completely disagreed with him and thought, “Fuck that, man. Forget everything and do it!” There was also the other side of me that was fraught with fear and anxiety about traveling, the cost, who I’d travel with, how I’d stay safe, and so on and so on. The fear weighed on me like a damned ten ton backpack.

I share that story because roughly ten years has passed and that desire, that flame inside of me, has never dwindled, not even for a second. In fact, the opposite has happened-the spark that flickered inside of me all of those years ago has now begun to swell into a forest fire. It’s grown and grown, never once subsiding as I thought maybe it would. And now, more than ever, those flames are licking at my skin, blinding my eyes, and exponentially growing by the day.

After college, while grappling with the fear of making my dream a reality, I did what most people do after graduating college-I got a job. I got a job that afforded me a decent salary, with decent benefits, and a decent title. I got sucked into the trap that most of us are told we’re supposed to do-do well in high school, go to college and do well, and get a good paying job.

Now, I got a job that is actually quite rewarding and I believe is quite important-I help people essentially find employment. I got into human services, and found it to be a very rewarding field. I get to go to work each day knowing that I’m making a difference in someone’s life, even if it’s a small difference. That’s always been important to me, and I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. But the hunger for adventure, to see and experience new places and things, to eat foods and drink beers in new places, etc, can’t always be fed when you go to work day in and day out.

After graduating, getting a job, getting settled and finding success within my occupation, I’d take my week long vacation each year, sometimes having a just taking time off to explore the area around my house, other times spending a week in NYC or Maine, and other times taking trips to Canada, but those trips always left me wanting more. I never came back from those trips feeling completed satiated by my experiences. There always seemed to be a hunger that was never quite fed with the trips I had previously taken. I always felt like I wanted more time to experience the places that I had gone to, and I always dreamt of continuing onward to someplace new and exciting. Whenever I’d make my way back home, the fantasies and daydreams of continuing onward, heading west or to new continents, seemed to follow me like a black cloud hanging overhead.

Through the years, the thought of traveling long-term, whether it be road-tripping (not so much hitchhiking anymore because I now have a car), backpacking, traveling from hostel to hostel across Europe, buying a van to live in and going from place to place, purchasing a tiny house that’s mobile, or even WWOOFing, has become so enveloping, so engrossing, that it began to take hold of me in a way I didn’t think possible; the desire for long-term travel was becoming so tremendous that it started to have a negative effect on my mental health. There’d be instances where I’d feel completely at peace, happy, and content, but the moment I began to think about hitting the road for an extended period of time I’d find myself plagued by a malaise that was all too familiar. No matter how hard I’d try to shake those feelings, it became increasingly difficulty to overcome, because I always felt that I was letting myself down, failing myself by not making my dreams a reality.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, my wife, Danielle, and I were driving to her parents’ house for the holiday. The drive from our house in Rochester, NY to her parents’ house in Ilion, NY is a two and a half hour drive, which always affords plenty of time for deep conversations, pondering life, and/or listening to music or podcasts. During that drive, we listened to an episode of The Tim Ferriss Show where Tim interviewed Rolf Potts, the author of Vagabonding: An Uncommon Guide to the Art of Long-Term World Travel. Right from the beginning of the episode, I was hooked and enthralled by Ferriss’ and Potts’ discussion on travel. I was amazed by what I was hearing. The talk of traveling the world for extended periods of time, breaking down the fears of travel, traveling in cost-effective ways, made me feel exhilarated. I wanted to scream at the fucking moon with excitement and vigor. As soon as the episode was finished, I was ready to bypass my future in-laws home and drive through the night to wherever the road took us.

Slowly but surely, however, the fear and anxiety of traveling long-term began to creep its hideous head into my psyche. The familiar fear based questions that always prevented me from traveling started to fire off in my brain, questions such as, “how can you afford this, how can you make this work with your job, where are you going to go, how are you going to get there…” so on and so on until I felt overwhelmed by the anxiety I was causing myself. Just when I had allowed myself to feel excited by the thought of traveling long-term, I did everything to immediately scare myself into thinking it was impossible...until I finally said enough is enough.

#Travel #Adventure #Road Trip #Wanderlust #Camping #Hiking

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prancingpony97 · 7 years ago

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The night between the 9th and10th of November will be remembered for heavy imagery of death

Encouraged by my friend, last night I set up two sets of sticky mouse traps. I knew how they work and I prepared myself to deal with it the following day. I have practice at 7am so I went to bed fairly early while the storm was raging outside. At 4:00am I was aweken from my slumber by distressed screeching and scratching somewhere in the house.

Now, when I was young I loved spending weekends at my grandparents house. My Nõno was the head of the house, therefore he was the one that always dealt with the pests. I remember seeing him many times struggling to drown the mouse in the toilet, but I could always hear those little fighters giving him everything they got, holding with every atom of strenght to their dear lives. He would always tell me to look away as they drew their last breath, the idea stuck to my brain that when I will be older I will have to make the same cruel act. My Nõno passed away about ten years ago, and I'm 20 now, living in the US with my friends.

So I get up in my bed and realize that the trap set up in the kitchen, just inches away from my bedroom door, got triggered. Thing is, the mouse was in my room. Somehow, in his bewildered fight, he managed to drag himself with his front feet under my doorframe, dragging the trap behind him. The sounds he was making made the hair on my body stand up, but I sat motionless in my bed. Soon I realized that I had to deal with this now, not the following morning or the following day. So I grab the torchlight and the bat that I have next to my bed (this is a necessity, living in Albany, NY) and tried knocking him out by launching the bat tip first at him. Either my throw was reserved or the adrenaline hitting him overflown his body, possibly both, but the impact had little to no effect on him except making him fight even more.

The instructions on the box were quite simple, just pop the traps and set them around the routes used by your pests, though not a word on what comes after. The metal bat tip was stuck with the mice to the trap, and I figured it's only couple of steps to the toilet bowl. As I was carrying this abomination to the trough the doorframe, my roomate comes out. Something was off, she has obviously been crying. Not because of the mouse but the fact that her grandma passed away only hour before, as she was informed by her mother. So I'm standing in the middle of the hallway preparing to take away the life from this little fighter as she is crying her eyes out asking me what she's going to do when her parents pass away. I guess this means I'm a grown up now. The whole ordeal was over faster than I remember it being, I dropped the whole tip of the bat, the trap and the mouse with it in the toilet bowl and looked away as the little fighter twiched away his last moments. I'm a 6'4'' Eastern European and honestly I have no problem with the hunting and stuff like that, but when animal is stripped off any chance of survival it just makes my heart throb.

I'm not okay with death any more than any other living thing is. However I'm okay with the concept of dying-we get a fair amount of years on this good Earth and we should be thankful for every day we get. The fact is one day we will simply not wake up, and that is the least stressful way to go I can imagine. I had my first mental breakdown when I was around 6, nothing in particular triggered it, only my wild imagination. The fact that I was still in the preoperational stage of development rendered me uncappable to deal with the concept of death I threw at my young nervous synapses. The series of them followed after my grandfather and grandmother passed away from bone marrow cancer and lung cancer, respectively. I am not sure if I came out of this process more capable of dealing with death or was I just numbed out to the point of no feelings towards it.

I think all of us are anxious about dying, on our own levels, only thing truly different are our coping mechanisms. Some look for consolation in god, divine reward and possible punishment in hell. I deal with it by waking up thankful every morning, trying to get the most out of the day, out of every minute and every breath. I do not concern myself with questions of who has given us life or who will take it away. This is due to the fact that with lack of any empirical evidence as a young scientist I simply have no way of knowing, and saying I don't know is okay. My judgement is sometimes unclear as I step trough my life, and sometimes I forget about the blessing of life. In Tolkien's mythology mortals are seen as cursed by death but also blessed by it, because it makes every breath more special just by the fact that it might as well be our last. On nights like this one when the Reaper says hi, I fear no Death, for it is unevitable. I will spend my days focused on making memories with people I care about and when the Angel of Death finally utters my name, I will greet it as an old friend. I guess this is growing up.

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queenofmosttrades · 5 years ago

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Making Memories in Montreal

Happy December, let’s not pretend we love the snow and hurry and get to April 😉 k thanks. Living in Brooklyn, NY it definitely gets bitter cold, but I suddenly felt like I was from the tropics after our visit to Montreal and hearing from some of the locals about what it really feels like when winter arrives up there. We managed to escape at the beginning of November (and witnessed their first snowfall of the season), I’m also shocked we actually pulled this off...without the children! 🤯 This was our first “parents only” getaway in exactly 1 year, and last time I was pregnant so it doesn’t count right? We got all hands on deck, my parents, my in-laws and nanny came to the rescue for us to leave for close to 72 hours...my god! Who does pick up, drop off, where do they sleep, home or at the grandparents, do we split them up, and the list goes on and on. I feel compelled to share how ahhhmazing and challenging it is to get away for a few days without the kids. Love you boys but mama and Tati (dad in Yiddish) needed some alone time.

We picked Montréal, because Europe was too far for a long weekend and we wanted a place that felt like we traveled a million miles away without the jetlag. I loved the city! It’s a melting pot of culture, art and food. Do you love to eat? Oh great me too, they have nearly as many restaurants as NYC per square capita, and not gonna lie, it’s overwhelming...I still stay up at night wondering if we made the best restaurant choices, I’ll just never know 😂

I’ll split it up by neighborhood:

Downtown

We stayed at the Four Seasons hotel, its a relatively brand new hotel and has an indoor pool (which was a must for us, even though we only used it once, wop wop) and a beautiful spa which obviously any mom traveling without her kids would take complete advantage of 💆🏼‍♀️ Their in-house restaurant is Marcus, by the incredible Marcus Samuelsson (if you’re like me and have no idea who this is, it’s fine, I guess we’ve been living under the same rock...neighbor 😉) Dave knew about this apparent rockstar chef and told me that this is his first ever Canadian restaurant...I would highly suggest making reservations a few days in advance (at least), it gets pretty packed. We enjoyed room service one morning because #sleep and had breakfast in the hotel the other two days which was quiet delicious and full of fresh squeezed juice options 😋

Our hotel was located down the block from Boulevard de Maisonneuve which has tons of shops, restaurants and one of the entrances to the underground mall. It’s bustling and I was really happy with our choice of neighborhood. I was on the fence because Old Montreal has a lot to offer as well, but it was a short Uber ride over.

Old Montreal

If you get a warm and fuzzy feeling when you see cobblestones then this is the place for you! This is a popular place for many tourists, it’s adorable, and I see what the hype is all about; it has the Old Port, has a charming little tree lined walking road along the water, The Basilique Notre-Dame which is a big attraction and tons of cobblestone streets surrounded with French inspired architecture, hotels, restaurants, cafes, art galleries, shops, I mean you get the picture right? It’s pretty fabulous. I must say though, at times I did feel a bit like a tourist, because certain shops and restaurants we passed seemed how should I say this...inauthentic. I’ve been around Times Square enough to know when I’m in a tourist trap, which I don’t particularly enjoy when traveling or ever lol ... But we did stumble across a few incredible art galleries and a delicious brunch spot called Olive and Gourmando, yummy food and fun atmosphere!

Mile End

We took a great tour in this neighborhood that so much reminded me of parts of Williamsburg, Bushwick and Park Slope. @Localmontrealtours did a great job taking us around and giving our palates a unique experience of flavors. One of my favorite stops was at the St. Viateur Bagel (shocker right, a NY girl excited about bagels) this place has been around forever and is a true staple in Montreal. A few other noteworthy spots were Drogheria Fine, known for their incredible tomato sauce that covers perfectly delicious gnocchi served in a Chinese take out container; funky and indulgent. Additionally, Boucherie Lawrence, which serves local meats and cheeses amongst other things such as various jams and honeys. Dave talked me out of buying about 10 jars of different delightful items in order to avoid shlepping them back to NYC...I’ll be placing an online order soon 🙌🏼

Le Plateau

This is technically a broader neighborhood that consists of several sub neighborhoods; Mile End being one of them, so I would suggest checking it out as well. We specifically made our way there to check out the Jewish Museum and what is considered the area with the greatest Jewish presence and history. We weren’t able to make it on their tour, which I’m secretly pretty bummed about but we did get to wander around the area. It’s a touch of hip, grunge and art. What I loved most is that you feel like you’re a local, no big hotels or tourist traps, you’ll see homes, grocery stores, cafes, etc...you’ll be submerged with the people who live there.

A great restaurant located in Le Plateau that my girl @arielloves recommended from her visit to Montreal was Au Pied de Cochon, they are known for their foie gras which comes in all different forms and styles. Dave liked the “naked” one and I was obsessed with the “nigiris”. We also decided to try the POUTINE here! Ok so if you don’t know what Poutine is, it’s the traditional comfort food of Montréal...French fries with gravy sauce on top and some places get funky and add other toppings...yes it was yummy, but one time was enough for us, it’s extremely heavy and made me want to jog home, but hey worth a try and to each their own.

Speaking of jogging, I usually make it a priority to check out some gyms or outdoor fitness areas on all my trips, but full disclaimer this did NOT happen this time 🤷‍♀️ I won’t even try to dig up an excuse, just was focused on sleep before and after our excursions haha #priorities. Not gonna beat myself up about it (even though TBH I started to a few times) but I’ll be on it again next time 💪🏽

Extras

One of our mornings we decided to be outdoorsy and “hike up” Mont Royal aka realizing how cold it was we took an Uber up and a bus down 🤷‍♀️ whatevs, we did spend some time up there breathing the crisp air and enjoying the view. A cute place to check out if you’re into “look out point” type of stuff.

We also went to a hockey game duhhh! We watched the Montreal Canadians play the LA Kings. It was a real cultural experience, something that Dave and I love participating in whenever we travel anywhere. If you’re like us and you like to just do things and go to places that make you feel like you’re one of the locals I would highly recommend going to see a hockey game when visiting, its like going to see a Yankees game in NYC, authentic and exciting 🏒

The Low Down

All in all, we had fun, but I do want to touch upon something that is real and deserves a moment just like all the other mentions. Shit’s not perfect! Dave and I have somewhat of a different view on how we should “plan” our trips. I typically like to have an agenda ready to roll and he likes to wing it. We discovered this about ourselves a few years ago, yet perhaps since we didn’t go away alone for a while we kind of forgot how to handle it. As a couple it’s not always unicorns and lattes (well there are usually lattes involved with us 😉) but we get to make it work because that’s what we signed up for! After a day of on and off arguing, we decided that moving forward I need to have my “planned activity” happen first and then I’ll be much more willing to hang loose and flow, not freaking out that we don’t have a specific destination (this only took us 6+ years to establish #couplegoals 🤣). I’ll be keeping you posted on how that plays out for our next trip! I heard something the other day when listening to a clip from @garyvee, he said we are all being fake and how when we get back from a vacation we tell everyone that we had a great time (usually regardless of what kind of time we actually had). I found that to be insanely insightful and it struck a chord with me. I believe it’s important to acknowledge both the great times and the times of struggle. They are equally important to process and learn from. I hope you enjoyed my recap and found it helpful for your future trip. I would love to hear from you and get some of your feedback! Till next time fam; Stay living on those skinny branches!

-Love,

Suzanna

Queen of most Trades

#parentsgetaway #montreal #oliveandgourmando #marcus #montroyal #aupieddecochon #mileend #four seasons hotel #localmontrealtours #montreal canadians #stviateurbagels #drogheriafine #boucherielawrence

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hellmxuths · 6 years ago

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Bucket List:

see fleetwood mac concert

backpack in California

love myself more than ever

take a boxing class

go to NY in fall

get married/visit Scotland

go back to England and see if Liz is doing well (your tour guide from 2004ish)

do a photo shoot when turn 85 with grand black piano, red fur coat, pearl necklace, and cigarettes...

smoke with snoop

be on a viceland interview for the green veggies

meet positive smash 420

meet dabbing granny

fly over water/be on plane and just relax... NO ANXIETY BITCH.

learn how to drive stick and be good at it

throw a sick ass halloween party project x style

go to sharefest

get a boob job..... maybe

learn sign language

build my own house alaskan bush people style

visit alaska

be brave

GO TO ICELAND YOU TWIT

make cannabutter

roll a really good blunt

pumpkin carve.... have an adult bc ur ass will cut something off by accident

get high af and lay in a field with playlist going.... enjoy life

have fake wedding photoshoot( at Poppy's) or real whatever

buy wedding dress (yellow golden lace dress with flowers (sunflower, daisy, dandelion) in hair with simple shoes))

let hair grow out of color... WHOLE WAY AND DO NOT CHEAT

babysit Alice and see if you really want kids.... she'll test ya out

be kinder and nicer

get 17 dogs and go on walks together

read 100 books before death

buy signature grandma jackets bc those bitches are legit

make a quilt

if you have a reason to stop smoking cigarettes you do it

visit Poppy's property 2x a month

try to be nicer to sandy even tho shes a bitch

up your wardrobe game

see Haim in concert

wear bedhead hair out

streak somewhere

recreate parent trap dance with whitney

#bucket list #journal

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newstfionline · 6 years ago

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Everything Around Him Burned. He Stayed Put, and Lived to Tell the Tale.

By Simon Romero, NY Times, Nov. 22, 2018

PARADISE, Calif.--As his neighbors fled, Kevin Jeys read. Then, as a mammoth wildfire moved in, he took a break from flipping through a New Yorker magazine and stepped outside to see what was happening.

“Propane tanks were exploding all over the place, people were screaming and the embers from the buildings on fire around me were crackling,” said Mr. Jeys, 62, a paralegal who writes briefs for criminal defense lawyers. “But I knew then and there I wasn’t going anywhere. I thought, where the hell am I going to go with three cats?”

So, Mr. Jeys--who does not own a cellphone or functioning vehicle but does, in addition to the three cats, have a cockatoo, a zebra finch, two tree frogs and a red translucent bearded dragon lizard--stayed put. Somehow the home he rents on Birch Street emerged unscathed from a firestorm that turned most of Paradise, Calif., into charred ruins and killed dozens of area residents.

Just about the entire town of 27,000 people has evacuated to safe zones. But not Mr. Jeys, who was outside his home on Tuesday. He still isn’t going anywhere, he said.

Mr. Jeys’s remarkable decision to stay in a home that somehow survived the Camp Fire offers a glimpse into the unpredictable behavior of both wildfires and those trapped in them.

Up and down suburban lanes, in one cul-de-sac after another in Paradise, some of the only structures that remain standing are the brick fireplaces of homes otherwise gutted by the firestorm. What remains of families’ personal effects are laid bare. There are also a number of homes and businesses intact, vacant of their owners and an inviting target for thieves.

Nearly every natural disaster includes people like Mr. Jeys. Some refuse to leave during Category 5 hurricanes, arguing they are safer in their homes than in panic-ridden traffic jams. Others express fear of looting if they leave, opting to defend their property.

Mr. Jeys listed his pets as his top reason for staying. He said it dawned on him quickly that it would be impossible to evacuate with them all, especially because his Mazda pickup remained broken down and stranded in front of his house.

“I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone who was in their own car trying to flee,” Mr. Jeys said in an interview outside his home. “And I had my strategy for making a stand to protect my home.”

That plan of action involved a garden hose. Mr. Jeys said he used it to spray the roof of his one-story home and extinguish nearby embers. For those patches of fire beyond the reach of his hose, he stomped on them with his cowboy boots.

Mr. Jeys acknowledged that the fact that his home was made largely of cinder block instead of wood or drywall may have made the structure more fire resistant. Still, he pointed at the dry pine needles in his yard--fuel for a fast-moving wildfire--and wondered why they didn’t burn.

A fire crew in Paradise also lent a hand, extinguishing a blaze that was ripping through an alleyway behind his dwelling. From his front porch, Mr. Jeys said he could still see nearby structures going up in flames. He glimpsed squirrels and birds scurrying along the ground on an empty lot in front of his home, as if escaping the heat above.

“I woke up the next day and Paradise looked a little like Dresden,” said Mr. Jeys, clad entirely in black from head (felt brimmed hat) to toe (those cowboy boots).

Surviving the Camp Fire was one challenge for Mr. Jeys; enduring its aftermath is another.

Power and telephone services went off after the fire, on Nov. 8. Three weeks later, they have yet to come back on. Mr. Jeys, who relied on a landline to access the internet, does not have a way to keep in touch with people on social media.

Asked why he never got a cellphone, Mr. Jeys stared shortly into the distance before responding. “My ex would say it’s because I’m a Leo who’s resistant to change,” he said. “That sounds about right.”

However, Mr. Jeys, who explained he was a journalist in this part of California until economic upheaval in the newspaper industry forced him to change professions, said he stayed informed by listening to a local AM station on a battery-powered transistor radio.

To keep warm at night, when temperatures in Paradise dip into the 40s, Mr. Jeys said he used a wood stove. Water service in his home has been restored, but he does not have hot water, which means he has not bathed for a while.

“I’m too chicken for cold water,” Mr. Jeys, bespectacled and generously whiskered, said.

Otherwise, Mr. Jeys has largely relied on the kindness of strangers and friends to make it through this ordeal.

For sustenance, Mr. Jeys said that members of work crews in Paradise had given him sandwiches and bottles of water. They’ve also doled out other essentials, like batteries and bags of cat food. He repeatedly praised the generosity of those going house to house in the town looking for the remains of missing people who may have died in the fire.

Since the fire hit, Mr. Jeys said he found himself grappling with feelings of guilt and bewilderment. He said he had listened to radio reports on the staggering number of people who died in the fire, now at 84, as well the hundreds listed as missing.

“I know people who escaped with only the clothes on their backs,” he said. “Others didn’t make it out at all, and here I am. I find myself asking how that can be sometimes.”

Mr. Jeys said he was also pondering the apparent randomness of which structures were razed in the fire and which ones remain unscathed.

Nearby, on Skyway, the commercial strip winding through the town, the Pelicans Roost Restaurant, Dutch Bros. Coffee and Meeho’s Mexican restaurant somehow remain standing. The same cannot be said for the Main Event styling salon, Maria Celeste’s Gastropub or Jack in the Box, all destroyed.

Meanwhile, Mr. Jeys is still reading each morning and spending time with his pets.

Mr. Jeys said he did not venture far when he strolled around Paradise. He heard through the grapevine of workers sifting through the rubble that the town might have another person or two who similarly decided to stick it out. But if so, he said, he hasn’t run across them.

Gazing at the conifer and oak trees that still tower over his home, he said the tragedy reminded him how unpredictable life can be.

“Look at me,” Mr. Jeys said. “I now live on an island in a sea of destruction.”

#California #California wildfires #Kevin Jeys #Paradise Calif.

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markwatkinsconsumerguide · 6 years ago

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Consumer Guide / No.75 / with singer-songwriter, Bronwen Exter.

MW : Introduce me to the band…

BE : I'll list them in order of how long we've been playing music together:

Jennifer Middaugh - Vocal harmonies. Before a song is even done I know I can't sing it without her. Sometimes I write harmony lines explicitly, and sometimes she comes up with them. Jen is a BFF, I always let her order the sushi because she knows how to do so in a completely decadent way. She can sing circles around me. We met around 2000 at the Cosmic Joke Collective in NYC hosted by our Parisian friend, Mary Noelle Dana, or maybe at the off Broadway show De La Guarda. Our first collaboration was ‘Willow Weep For Me’. We ducked off at a loft party on the Lower East Side to put it together as a surprise that turned out to be an unforgettable collaboration, still going strong.

Michael Stark - Piano and Organ. In 2009, Jen and Mike and I spent a whole July night until daybreak making a recording of my song, ‘Junkyard’. Around dawn, by the time we were using beer bottle percussion and heavy chains for ambiance on the track, all the files were lost. It was so tragically funny we've been playing together ever since. Mike has all the charts to all my songs on the same old ragged pieces of paper. I make up chords and he names them and interprets them for everyone else. He knows my music inside and out, in some cases better than I do.

Matthew Saccuccimorano - Drums. Matt produced my second record, ‘Junkyard’, when we were a trio with a different drummer, (beloved Dana Billings). Matt is grouchy and loveable. He has the coolest family and smartest, most talented kids in the world. When Dana got too busy with another band he is in, I was really excited for the silver lining of bringing Matt into the band. He loves to rehearse, and he brings a production sensibility to rehearsals. In return, I sometimes bring him cookies. We both love loud drums, though we have completely different definitions of what loud drums are.

John Young - Electric and Upright Bass. Jen and I have also known John for almost 20 years. He plays in the cult NYC band Spottiswoode and His Enemies, one of our all time favorite acts and influences. John loves coffee, and John is great at talking. He definitely comes across as extremely smart, and I suspect he actually is.

Jason Shegogue - Guitar and Lap Steel. As Matt says, every single thing Jason plays sounds like a record. Jason collects old gear and never makes fun of my guitar playing. He is awfully nurturing, for being so good.

Venissa Santi - Vocal harmonies. Venissa learned two full sets of Jen's parts last spring because of a late conflict Jen had with our local release show, which speaks to her chops. Like Jen, she sings jazz in her own band. Once that show was done, once she had written her own parts to some new songs, once we heard the way we could all do three part harmonies, once we realized how fun she is in a band, once we realized splitting a couple hundred bucks seven ways is just about like splitting it six and nobody really cares anyway, she had to stay.

MW : Tell me about your new album…

BE : We recorded ‘Snakeskin, There’ at Old Soul Studios in Catskill, NY, where I made my first record ‘Elevator Ride’ in 2005. Kenny Siegal produced and recorded. It is available digitally on all the usual places, and physically through CD Baby or directly from me, in person.

The title comes from a lyric in track 3: ‘The Creature That You Knew’. The song is about a snake or, rather, the fact that I kept finding a snakeskin at my doorstep and it kind of freaked me out, but then I took inspiration thinking about metamorphosis and personal growth, how much better I liked myself living in a little house in the middle of nowhere than I had when I lived in NYC. At the same time, the bridge of the song is nostalgic for Paris musically and lyrically, and all the trappings of a more cosmopolitan life, so there's something unresolved in it.

The lyrics on this record come roughly half from dreams and half from stark life in Upstate NY, married and a new mom. There was a rawness to the time I wrote it, a lot of raw love. It's not an album of lullabies - I've also been called dreamy in the past, and I like to think that the dreaminess of these songs is more like when you wake up, can't shake it, and go, what the F was that?!

There are a couple singles, too - ‘Shapeshifter’ and ‘The Chase’, which is a three minute rock song. I wrote ‘The Chase’ with my wife Rachel on a picnic blanket. It's about the lure of the bad ex we all have.

MW : From your website, you seem to like PIE CHARTS?! What were your best subjects at school, and how did you actually get on with mathematics?!!

BE : I am terrible at math. I love history, and I love literature. The pie charts were a joke, but there’s way too little opportunity to not take yourself seriously promoting music, so I went with it.

I was fascinated with the idea of how transparent my songwriting could get if I challenged myself to be more clear and specific, thematically. Along the same lines as trying not to write songs in A minor, when I made the pie charts I was trying to check myself for cliches. The charts represent the songwriting before the current release (when I realized I made mention of bones too often). The batch of songs before that were too frequently set on a road in America. Making pie charts has nothing to do with being good at math - I enjoy basic math from time to time, for sure, but that's it.

My best subject in school was politics. I am endlessly fascinated with how power works, the intersection between legal and social change, theory and practice. I will never get over reading history - how human and flawed, multilayered, sordid and utterly engaging it is ; and literature is in its own category. The writers and poets I love are everything to me.

MW : Do you have any superstitions?

BE : I try not to have, so no, not that I can think of. Knock on wood! I think I am superstitious about having superstitions. I worry that if I think that way, bad things will happen as a result. I try to operate with a balance of reason and faith. The world is scary enough without being superstitious.

MW : What’s the best slice of luck you’ve had so far?

BE: Two sons, hands down.

MW : What’s downtown Ithaca, NY usually like in Winter?

BE : Winter lasts about six months and downtown gets deserted. There is already a foot of snow outside and it’s only mid-November, so it looks like winter came a month early this year and in my soul it has already lost its charm.

I wrote ‘In My Room’, track #4 on the new record, looking out at my blooming crab-apple tree getting covered in a massive snowstorm in April. For six months, downtown Ithaca and its people try to make the best of it. The rest of the year we've got it made, humidity notwithstanding.��

This city rests on the land of the Cayuga, and any season reveals this land's utter beauty and majesty - glacial hills and lakes and gorges. A cold six months requires resilience and builds character, but it is often spectacularly beautiful. A story about last winter: my band played a winter residency at our favorite club downtown, Casita del Polaris, and each installment featured a calamity: my lost voice, the mayor telling everyone to stay off the roads, our bass player breaking his leg, etc. I dragged myself to each show, because we had rehearsed our faces off to learn my whole catalog - three two-hour, all original different sets of music, none of which with songs from the new record. It felt crazy to go out in the cold, and I think the shows were on Thursdays, too.

Here’s the fundamental thing I learned last year about downtown Ithaca in winter : when you show up for art, throw energy into it with abandon for no good reason other than trying to make music for the sake of the sound, people show up to bear witness. I loved that residency.

MW : How is it for arts & culture?

BE : Ithaca has lovely, thriving, collaborative, multiple arts scenes - independent, national, underground, highbrow, it’s a good little town for being so isolated. Ithaca is a college town, so if you are willing to brave that scene you can absorb the arts and culture it brings. When I was growing up I was always up on those hills - I got to meet Vladimir Ashkenazi, and Mstislav Rostropovich - I played violin and sang in the Children's choir.

When I moved back to town ten years ago, I was blown away by all the bands and songwriters. It's a small enough city that I now consider many of the people I admired good friends and collaborators ; and there is a whole other layer of independent, younger artists through the “Ithaca Underground” that will always be cooler than me - for that I am thankful.

Ithaca is great in how these layers tend to cross pollinate, too. I can think of lots of examples.

MW : What was the last book, cd, film you bought/saw?

BE : With two small kids we really don’t get out much, but the last movie I saw in the theater was ‘Black Panther’ and damn that was good. I read all the time, currently ‘Team of Rivals’ about Abraham Lincoln.

At home we are collecting records - other than supporting musician friends and collaborators, the last record I loved completely was ‘Capacity’ by Big Thief.

MW : How will you / do you (usually) celebrate Christmas?

BE : With family, as you might expect, but my favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and the Winter Solstice. I love remembering all the descant lines to all my favorite Christmas carols, so if there is an opportunity to attend a midnight mass and sing those, I do. I appreciate this time of year as alternately decadent and reflective.

MW : Plans for 2019?

BE: Keep writing songs and other things - poems, essays, whatever. I am in a steady, long-game phase--raising small children, trying to do so with love and integrity. I keep the things that sustain me going, including creativity, but I am also going underground a bit after the release of this record. I am listening for what songs want to be written next, eager to hear them.

http://www.bronwenexter.com/

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theconservativebrief · 6 years ago

Link

The rise of the #MeToo movement has prompted many politicians and public figures to reexamine President Bill Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Hillary Clinton, it seems, isn’t one of them.

In a CBS interview on Sunday, correspondent Tony Dokoupil asked Clinton if she thought her husband should have resigned after his affair with Lewinsky, then a White House intern, became public.

“Absolutely not,” Clinton said.

Clinton also said the relationship wasn’t an abuse of power on the former president’s part. Lewinsky was “an adult,” she said, before changing the subject to talk about sexual harassment and assault allegations against President Donald Trump.

Clinton’s history when it comes to sexual misconduct allegations against her husband — and others in her circle — is a complicated one. She’s never had a satisfying response to questions about the accusations against her husband, which include Juanita Broaddrick’s accusation that he raped her in 1978. On the other hand, she allowed an adviser to keep his job with her 2008 campaign despite allegations of sexual harassment — and when she addressed that decision this year, her comments left a lot to be desired.

As a woman married to a powerful man accused of sexual misconduct, Hillary Clinton is in a difficult position, forced to answer for someone else’s alleged misdeeds. But Clinton is also powerful in her own right, and when it comes to preventing and punishing harassment, she may not always have used her power wisely. Her latest interview is another example of a core problem for her legacy: She does not seem to have fully reckoned with the seriousness of sexual harassment and assault, especially when it comes to the men closest to her.

Bill Clinton has faced a number of allegations of sexual harassment, assault, and other misconduct over the course of his long political career. Probably most famous was the revelation that he had a sexual relationship with Lewinsky while he was in office. After a now-famous denial — “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky” — he admitted to the relationship in 1998.

As Vox’s Dylan Matthews has written, the affair, “while consensual in some sense, was nonetheless textbook sexual harassment of a subordinate of a kind that would (or perhaps more accurately, should) get many CEOs fired from their companies.” After all, Clinton was not only Lewinsky’s boss, but also the president of the United States.

If Lewinsky had wanted to refuse an advance from Clinton, or break off their relationship, would she have felt free to do so? Or would she have felt trapped, knowing that the president had all the power over her future career?

Questions like these are the reason that relationships between bosses and subordinates are sometimes banned by employer sexual harassment policies — given the power differential at play, it’s not clear that such a relationship can ever be truly, fully consensual. Since the rise of #MeToo, some high-profile men have lost their jobs as a result of allegations of relationships with subordinates — for instance, such allegations were among those that cost Lorin Stein his position as editor of the Paris Review.

In an essay at Vanity Fair earlier this year, Lewinsky wrote that the question of whether her relationship with Clinton was consensual was “very, very complicated.”

“I now see how problematic it was that the two of us even got to a place where there was a question of consent,” she wrote. “The road that led there was littered with inappropriate abuse of authority, station, and privilege.”

For Bill Clinton, the road to the affair with Lewinsky was also dotted with other allegations of sexual misconduct. Paula Jones said that Clinton sexually harassed her when she worked for the Arkansas Industrial Development Commission in 1991; Kathleen Willey said he assaulted her when she was a volunteer at the White House in 1993. And Juanita Broaddrick says that Clinton raped her in a hotel room when she was volunteering for his Arkansas gubernatorial campaign in 1978. Clinton has denied all these allegations.

Bill Clinton’s history with women started to get renewed public attention in 2016, during Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. Before the second presidential debate, Donald Trump recorded a Facebook Live appearance with Willey, Broaddrick, and Jones, all of whom said they were supporting him. The three then sat in the audience for the debate.

Focusing on the allegations against Clinton was a way for the Trump campaign to divert attention from the Access Hollywood tape, on which Trump was heard bragging about his ability to grab women “by the pussy.” But Clinton’s candidacy, and the rise of the #MeToo movement, have also prompted a serious reexamination not just of the allegations against Bill Clinton, but of Hillary Clinton’s responses to them.

As the #MeToo movement gained steam — and especially when Democratic Sen. Al Franken was accused of groping women — some argued that Bill Clinton should have resigned after his relationship with Lewinsky. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) said in November 2017, as the allegations against Franken were becoming public, that Clinton should have stepped down. She later walked her comments back to some degree, but they were notable given Gillibrand’s prominence and her close relationship with the Clintons.

Others, too, called for a reexamination of the former president’s past. “Democrats and the center left are overdue for a real reckoning with the allegations” against Clinton, MSNBC host Chris Hayes tweeted in November.

“In this #MeToo moment, when we’re reassessing decades of male misbehavior and turning open secrets into exposes, we should look clearly at the credible evidence that Juanita Broaddrick told the truth when she accused Clinton of raping her,” New York Times op-ed columnist Michelle Goldberg wrote the same month. “It’s fair to conclude that because of Broaddrick’s allegations, Bill Clinton no longer has a place in decent society.”

And Vox’s Matt Yglesias wrote that Clinton’s failure to resign after his affair with Lewinsky set back the cause of preventing sexual harassment: “Had he resigned in shame, we all might have made a collective cultural and political decision that a person caught leveraging power over women in inappropriate ways ought to be fired. Instead, we lost nearly two decades.”

While many now see the allegations against Bill Clinton as damning, Hillary Clinton’s role is less clear. At the second presidential debate, Trump said that Hillary Clinton had “viciously” attacked Willey, Broaddrick, and Jones after they came forward with allegations against her husband. That’s not really true. At least in public, Clinton mostly kept quiet about the allegations, as PolitiFact notes.

Broaddrick has said that soon after Bill Clinton raped her, she saw Hillary Clinton at a rally. She said Clinton shook her hand and thanked her for what she had done for Bill, in a way that felt like a threat. But beyond that, there’s no evidence that Hillary Clinton ever intimidated or attacked Broaddrick. And Broaddrick admits she’s not completely sure of her interpretation of the encounter: “When you look back over almost 38 years, some of the anger fades, the fear fades, and you think, I hope she didn’t know,” she told BuzzFeed’s Katie J.M. Baker.

Clinton did say that the allegations of an affair between her husband and Lewinsky were part of a “vast right-wing conspiracy” — but, as PolitiFact notes, at that time Lewinsky was still publicly denying the affair.

In general, Bill Clinton’s history has put Hillary Clinton in a difficult position. She can either call him to account publicly — and possibly leave him — or she can keep silent or defend him, knowing that in doing so, she discounts the experience of women who say he harmed them.

In her 2017 book What Happened, Clinton criticizes Trump for bringing Willey, Broaddrick, and Jones to the debate, saying “he was just using them.” But she doesn’t offer any real insight into what she believes about the allegations against her husband, or how she squares her marriage with her commitment to promoting women’s rights — including the right to have one’s accounts of sexual harassment or assault taken seriously.

Of her relationship with her husband, she only writes that “there were times that I was deeply unsure about whether our marriage could or should survive. But on those days, I asked myself the questions that mattered most to me: Do I still love him? And can I still be in this marriage without becoming unrecognizable to myself — twisted by anger, resentment, or remoteness? The answers were always yes. So I kept going.”

Bill Clinton isn’t the only man in Hillary Clinton’s sphere to be accused of sexual misconduct. Earlier this year, the New York Times reported that Burns Strider, Hillary Clinton’s faith adviser during her 2008 run for president, was accused of sexual harassment while working on the campaign. Instead of firing him, Clinton kept him on and reassigned the woman who had made the allegation. According to the Times, he later went on to work for Correct the Record, a group supporting Clinton’s 2016 run — and was fired for various issues, including allegations of sexual harassment.

In January, Clinton issued a statement on the allegations against Strider in which she said she would have made a different decision if confronted with the situation today. However, she wrote, “I didn’t think firing him was the best solution to the problem. He needed to be punished, change his behavior, and understand why his actions were wrong. The young woman needed to be able to thrive and feel safe. I thought both could happen without him losing his job.”

Clinton did not apologize for her decision, nor did she say whether she considered warning future employers of the 2008 allegations against Strider, potentially protecting his future co-workers. Her statement also included an irrelevant and unnecessary swipe at the New York Times for keeping on reporter Glenn Thrush after allegations of sexual misconduct by him were published by Vox.

The statement as a whole left the impression that Clinton, while perhaps more thoughtful on the issue now than in 2008, had not fully reckoned with the problem of sexual harassment and an employer’s responsibility to address it. Her interview on Sunday only adds to that impression.

By saying that Lewinsky was “an adult” when the affair took place, Clinton ignores the inequities between the president and an intern that Lewinsky made very clear in her Vanity Fair essay. And by insisting that then-President Clinton’s actions did not constitute an “abuse of power,” she denies one of the most obviously problematic aspects of her husband’s relationship with Lewinsky.

You can argue that the affair was consensual — Lewinsky herself acknowledges this is a complicated issue. But it’s very hard to argue that Clinton didn’t abuse the power of the presidency when he had sex with an intern in the Oval Office. For Hillary Clinton to make this claim suggests that either she doesn’t understand how abuse of power works or that she’s simply blind to it where her husband is concerned.

In general, it’s hard to know how Clinton should have responded, over the years, to allegations against her husband and the father of her child. To some degree, it’s understandable that she chose to remain largely silent for a long time. But since the rise of the #MeToo movement, she’s chosen to speak directly about the issue of sexual misconduct several times, and several times she has fallen short.

Clinton’s feminist legacy has always been complicated. She undeniably blazed a trail for women in politics — really, for countless women trying to rise up in what remains a man’s world. In What Happened, Clinton poignantly recalls various struggles with sexism, including a linguistic expert who told her that she needed to make her voice softer and lower in speeches.

“Other women will run for President,” Clinton writes, “and they will be women, and they will have women’s voices. Maybe that will be less unusual by then. Maybe my campaign will have helped make it that way, and other women will have an easier time. I hope so.”

Clinton’s campaign may well make it easier for future women to run — at the very least, she’s given them a (mostly) clear-eyed account, in What Happened, of what it was like. But for women who, on their way to whatever career they strive for, are sexually harassed or assaulted, Clinton hasn’t made it easier to come forward. If anything, her comments and decisions have made it harder.

As one of the most visible women in the world, Clinton has a rare opportunity to send a message of support to survivors everywhere. But by getting defensive about her former employee, and denying that her husband abused his power when Lewinsky has said that he did, she’s done the opposite. She’s become one of the many, many people showing survivors that, too often, people in power will be protected by their powerful friends.

Hillary Clinton will always have a place in feminist history. But when the history of #MeToo is written, she may be remembered as someone who supported women — until their words hit too close to home.

Original Source -> Hillary Clinton’s defense of Bill Clinton is why women don’t come forward

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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I found out today that my health insurance each month though my company is going to be $234 a MONTH. It's $468 but the company pays half. I'm not married or have any kids so it woul be just for me. I can't take it because it would cut too much into my paycheck. Is this a ridiculous price or the average?

What is the cheapest car for a 17 year old to have?

So I'm 17 and just got my drivers lisence! Woo! I'm trying to find what the cheapest car to have is? Like to buy, insurance and maintaining all together of you get me?""

Can any one tell me which health insurance is good and affordable?

my mom and dad don't have health insurance, and i would like to get insurance for them so i will be paying out of my pocket can anyone tell me which insurance is best please thank you""

Can I ask someone else to buy the insurance for my car?

I only have a temporary driver lisence, and if I buy a car, how can I buy the insurance for my car? The temporary lisence cannot buy the insurance. Can I ask someone else to buy it? I am in CA. Thank you!""

62 year old mother wants to retire but has no medical insurance...Ideas?

My 61 year old mother wants to retire next year. She doesn't qualify for medicare till 65. She has diabetes and chronic bronchitis. How would she get affordable medical care if ...show more

What's affordable about obamacare?

or the Affordable Care Act that so many want us to call it so that Obama hopefully isn't yoked with this monstrous failed program for the rest of time.

What is the average annual/weekly contents insurance cost?

What is yours or what is the average?

""For car insurance rates, does the amount of the claim matter, or is it just that you had a claim?""

Wondering about how car insurance premiums work. I just got into an accident this morning. I rear-ended someone so it was my fault. When we file a claim to fix her car, is it worth it for me to get mine done as well? Or will getting mine fixed cause my premium to go up even more when its time to renew?""

Im taking my drivers test on Tuesday..?

Ok so yesterday, Friday, my dad made an appt for my drivers test in the afternoon, and im taking it tuesday after school. Heres my problem, I need a Certificate of Attendance present with me but it takes like 2-3 days for it to be ready, and if I order it Monday then it will most likely be ready like on wednesday or thursday so what should I do? Reschedule my appt or just talk to the school office about it? Thanks in advance. God Bless.""

Prescott Valley Arizona Cheap car insurance quotes zip 86315

Will my insurance go up?

I live in California. Here, the driver is responsible for the ticket and not the owner. My bf is 19 and im 18, and he drives very well but does have license because he uses his bike. He drove my car and got two tickets because he did not have his headlights on and a misdemeanor for an unlicensed driver. I read that my bf will have to pay $25 if he gets his license before court and $230 for no light. I was wondering will my insurance go up? and will my dad be notified?""

Car insurance cost?

How much will car insurance cost if I'm a 19 year old girl, who is a full time student with a 3.3 GPA. I'm also a new driver and recently got my license, which means I ...show more""

What are the best and worst auto insurance companies ?

Can I add my new car to my brothers insurance?

The car Im driving right now is registered to my brother also the insurance is under his name, (but its mine technically). So if I buy a new car, can I put or add this car at the same insurance policy? This new car would be registered under my name. I think if its possible, this would same me some money from the insurance.""

How much would insurance be for a seventeen year old female driving 1999 Chevrolet?

I am sixteen i turn seventeen soon. My grandma will not keep me on her insurance About how much will insurance be for me as a 17 year old female driving a 1999 Chevrolet

Which insurance to go with?

I am trying to buy a new auto insurance and renters insurance plan. I am 23 years old, married and I have never caused any accidents (or received any tickets). I am looking for an affordable quality insurance company that isn't going to keep messing with me like Progressive and their lame sub contracted renters insurance agency. I have never had any property claims either. A reliable, affordable company...""

How much did your insurance go up?

I am unemployed. My wife has me, our son, and herself on her job group rate medical insurance. Up to October this year, for the last 10 years, she pays $79.00 per month for medical ...show more""

2008 Pontiac Torrent WRECKED PRICE ??? Insurance adjustor question?

I have a 2008 Pontiac Torrent that was recently hit while park heres a list of what was damaged Rear Axel is twisted all rear suspension QuarterPanel Rocker Panel Tail ...show more

Insurance company help?

Ok so im getting insurance in manhatten because i live there ..... but my vehicle is garaged in long island ..... I have to tell the insurance company ? and do i have to show proof ? if so what kind of proof is there to show ?

What car has the lowest car insurance rate?

I need the make and model of a car that has a pretty low monthly rate. And also im 18....it makes a difference in the price. sadan or coup. no suvs, trucks, van, or sports cars.""

""What is a good site for getting a quote for insurance on a moped, 50cc?""

I need to insure a 50cc moped, does anyone no anywhere I can get some good quotes""

I have auto insurance in SD but currenly in MN for college?

I'm currently in college and looking at switching my auto insurance. My permanent address is in South Dakota which is also where my car is insured and I'm going to college in Minnesota. I know I need to have my policy in South Dakota but will using my college address require I have minnesota insurance and register my car in minnesota?

No health insurance?

without insurance, how much does clomid and metformin cost? where can I get it?""

Is there any insurance company that accepts sr22 insurance required cdl driver who need just bobtail insurance?

I have sr22 restriction on my cdl. And just bought my truck. Its really hard to find Bobtail insurance some ppl call it non trucking liability insurance because of my driving record or sr22 (I guess its samething). Is there any insurance company or agency out there who might accept?

Can i get insurance on my car with out a licence?

Im 18..and i have a car..i dont have a licence yet...only my permit..so can i still get insurance on the car with out a licence?

I got charged with dui however not convicted. when getting insurance do i need to state a dui on there or not?

I recently got a dui. I cancelled my insurance afterward and I'm just about to get done with the 90 day hard suspension. I am getting a hardship licese in a week. Anyways i need to get car insurance. I have a trial in January in which I hope to get a not guilty verdict by the jury. In the meantime when I look at insurance quote questions, it asks of any infractions in last 36 months. Wondering if I need to put down the dui as an infraction or no. (I am innocent untill provin guilty). I dont know if i dont have to put dui down or not since i have not been convicted. If no great, But if yes could you also let me know that if i do have to put dui down and I am found not guilty in court in january, can i take action to get lower payment or money back""

How much would it cost me to get motor bike insurance?

I am thinking of getting a motor bike since the cost of insuring a car is just too high. I'm 18 and male and was wondering roughly how much I could expect to pay for insurance on a 125cc if I do my CBT. Oh and I live in the Uk... which will hike the price up a bit

What happens when the insurance company totals your car?

Maternity insurance in Texas?

My husband is self-employed and we have previously been getting insurance through my employer. However, I just had a baby and am planning on staying home with him instead of working. We have been researching different family insurance plans - and we have found some plans that are do-able. However, I cannot find a plan that offers maternity benefits. The closest thing I can find are plans that cover you if you have complications - but I need a carrier that provides coverage for the pre-natal visits, labor and delivery and hospital stay. Regardless of the price, this is something we have to have in the future. I am in my mid-20s and will want another baby in the next few years. I was just wondering if there were any companies that were exclusively maternity insurance companies or any bigger companies that offer what I am looking for - maybe a company that I did not see. I appreciate all the answers!""

How much does it cost to have regular health insurance for 10 employees?

I am starting a pizza shop and i was wanting to know how much is usually cost for normal health insurance. Also if someone can tell me how much it costs for liability insurance for the store. It is going to be a little caesars pizza. Thanks. -AMV

How much is motorcycle insurance for a 24 yr old in NJ? How does it compare to car insurance?

I can get quotes but just want to get a quick rough estimate answer. And does nj provide refund for motorcycle courses to take to pass the licence? for ex. I know illinois do

How much would insurance cost?

I'm a 16 year old male who makes a's and b's in school and my parents just bought me a 2008 Gmc Sierra Denali and I'm currently driving without insurance how much do you think it would cost for me?

Where can i get really cheap auto insurance. when i turn 18 I am getting my own car and own insurance.?

I don't make that much money probably only about 200-300 dollars a month so I wanted to know where i could get the cheapest car insurance in ME. i don't want to do a car quote now because I am not old enough and I don't actually have my license and a car now but I would just like an average or what around what the cheapest cost is. Thanks

No health insurance?

I don't have health insurance anymore because my COBRA coverage is over now. Because I have a pre-existing condition other health care companies won't take me. I have tried to find a job that offer health insurance, but seems very difficult right now. Because I own half of the house where I live. I been told that I cant qualify for any low income health care services. I don't know what to do? I dont even have a job, and Im considered well off to qualify for something. Have anybody out had this problem? I live in California.""

Cost of health insurance?

How much does health insurance cost per year if I pay for myself instead of my employer paying for it? I would pay through my employer's group insurance and mine is a family of three (including a child of 4 yrs). I am a contractor and I will be moving through the country quite a bit in which case would the insurance rates be from the state from where the employer is from or should it be as per the state where i am residing? How does insurance cost vary from state to state?

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