#before i got sick last week
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Hey, guys.
I'm still a bit sick but the next chapter of Eagle of Alamut will be posted as usual. I should be better once I sleep early today hopefully XD
#fic update#personal#ish#i'm well enough to work anyway XD#don't worry the latest chapter was written#before i got sick last week#it's not a case of me writing even sick
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#mine#doctor who#dwedit#david tennant#freema agyeman#haven't giffed this part in a while!#when i was driving home today i felt so exhausted#and i have a feeling i'm gonna come down with a cold later this week ;__;#last year i think i lasted until november before i got sick sighhh#i'm listening to gallifrey war room 2 though!!! absolutely loving it#i also finished the once and future story with ten and missy and the paternoster gang#i loved it!!! ten and missy were a delight together!!!!#ok bye good night friends
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#kirby#ask to tag#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#having a lot of feelings today about being so sick for so long.#they're not. good ones.#I turned in the last of the additional evidence for my va disability compensation earlier this week#it was around this time in 2015 that I got whatever bug was going around the barracks because everyone got it that's just how it works#I've been debilitatingly ill ever since.#that's not the day that's filed as the breaking point but it's when things went bad.#(there's a specific day in late january where I ran out of compensatory mechanisms and truly broke.)#(that's how it's saved in my head and also literally what's documented in the military files.)#anywho. thanks for reading my little rambles those of you that do#oh yeah also reminder if you have any prescriptions that will run out before new years you should really refill them asap!#when I'm putting my pill organizer together for the week I always check if I have enough for the following week as well#if I don't I make sure to order it before the end of the week I just put together#(this is not a wholly accurate representation of the number of pill bottles I have to sort every week - it's only about 2/3rds)
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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😵💫
#been sick all week#woke up on monday with the worst sore throat i've had in ages#over the course of the week the symptoms have gradually shifted...my throat has gradually been improving and isn't too bad right now#but my sinuses took a nosedive...slept terribly last night cuz i kept tossing and turning trying to find a position in which i could breath#and as of today I have a weird symptom that I've never had with a cold before: my right ear is all ringy#it's messing up the sounds#not really muffled like you'd get with a clogged ear from like an airplane#more like there's a tinny audio distortion filter on my eardrum#everything sounds off-key and slightly echoey in that ear#very weird very annoying and disorienting#i mean....i suppose it could be worse....at least i'm not nauseous or anything#still got to enjoy christmas dinner and such#but man. definitely not at my peak#i hope it all clears up soon i'd really like to properly enjoy some of my days off before I have to go back to work next week....
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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so much
#so much has happened so much to say#friend who i spoke about in past REALLY pissed me off at my pole showcase#i do pole dancing and we had a showcase and ahe invited herself last minute on the day#which whatev u kno i was like ok shes making an effort to support me#then she goes and pulls me out of the crowd to tell me she wants to leave and my bf is gonna take her home#i was so upset cuz we had plans and i told her to her face what she did was rude#immediately starts back tracking. i dont trust like that.#it took me being visibly upset before you think about how your actions affect others??#not my bf telling u no he wants to stay bc i want to stay??#anyway fuck her. sick of puttng energy into her just to get disrespected again and again#back on my fucking no friends arc#but i love my bf. i really do.#i was upset w him too tbh but we talked it out and man is just a bit of a fucking pushover#i was like if youre not gonna defend and stand up for me i dont want to be with you. its important to me that i know youre on my side#i shouldnt have had to have handled that. you shouldve told her no and been done with it#and he said he did but i was like i had to come out. i had to say no. i shouldnt have had to have done that#missed out on the big group photo cuz of it#but pole is really fun my instructor reckons i can move to interprep abt halfway thru next term soooo exciting!!#i graded 2 combos yesterday#upside down flip both sides and climbing to the top of the pole#she got me to do a tuck spin too but i really need to work on my tucks#my wrists are instable so the tucks are extremely hard cuz if i fuck them up they HURT#lol#stefan is meeting my parents this week lol#and theyve invited him to christmas...#he doesnt like christmas and normally spends it w ppl w no families so idk if hell come#like truthfully i want him there but if hes not ready hes not ready i cant force him#i understand its a big thing and like overwhelming n what not#well see how he goes meeting them first#oh i love him
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#so i had acute tracheitis like two weeks ago#then at the follow-up visit the doctor said i was ok#so i went to malta for my vacation without worrying about the occasional cough that eventually stopped#but then at the end of the trip i suddenly had temperature 39°C#i got better and went back to poland#i got home yesterday but suddenly today my voice is gone#and i started coughing again#so i went to see the doctor at our local weekend and holidays public health clinic#and it turns out i have acute tracheitis (again)#AND i also have acute laryngitis (new)#i had a doctor's leave before my vacation and now i have a doctor's leave again krehxksjkx my boss will be upset but oh well#i'm on antibiotics again 🤧#anywayyyyyyyyy why am i sick again the doctor said i was fine the last time 😞😞😞 WELL#anyway i felt totally fine for 8 out of 10 days there so i'd say the trip was still ABSOLUTELY AMAZING#absolutely amazingggg guys i loved it so much#i'm so glad the sickness came back only at the very end when i had already seen and done almost all i planned so it was okay#it was so wonderfullll i need to show my army followers here some pictures later on because oh man are they crazy#okay rant over i'm going to go lie down#maybe watch a bit of bon voyage on malta lmao it's so fun to watch it now that i've been there myself#my post#personal
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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some of my artfight attacks from this year! a lot of funny dragon people
#my art#artfight#artfight 2023#furry#furry art#anthro#anthro art#sfw furry#dragon#dragon art#i had to take like a 2 week break because i got sick and then i had an incident#so now i'm trying to do the last few pieces i wanna do before the month is over heheheh#had a lot of fun this time! ive improved a lot from the last time i did artfight
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Mfw I get sick once for the first time in seven years and it ruins my mental health for potentially three months straight ahahah
#rae rants#bro i forgor 💀 i forgor that i live with people who will go 'so is your tantrum over' any time you try to apologize and open up#i for fucking gottttttt#im doing bad! im doing bad! wah!!!#... the thing i have to apologize for is saying 'Im waiting for my antidepressant to kick in. im doing bad can you give me a minute?' like!#fuck man. im so bad im fuckin venting online. no reblog control lol.#i should get 'never kill yourself' tattooed on my inner calf. ya know for when my head is in my hands? yeah.#... for reference. my dog was sick for two weeks. then i got the flu from my mom. which made me miss xmas. then my other dog got sick.#then i got... nothing for xmas when we did celebrate. for the fourth year straight. then that sick old dog died.#and then klover brought in a dead baby magpie which she intended to eat. oh and before all this klover started finding and breaking glass#shit in her teeth. last night and today are the first day ive actually allowed myself to cry. i immediately got in trouble for being moody.#Oh! and i haven't been on antidepressants for two and a half months. so. yeah.#im handling it. i think i might spend today outside even tho its so cold. i dont wanna be in here rn.#it's too cold and im still not healthy enuff to go for a walk tho. :( im still coughing and spitting up phlegm.
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sneepy cozy....
#cats#(medical stuff mention for tags)#poasting confortable image of boye for peace and serenity and such forthe#I have little weird episodes sometimes where I get shaky (but like violently like 'would spill a drink if you were holding it beacuse#your hands are moving so much' type shaky) and weird and sick feeling but usually it passes in an hour or less. but last night I just#literally couldnt sleep I was shaking so much and my heartrate was up a ton and wouldn't go down even after like 6 hours plus super nausea#so I went to the hospital and now shall wear a heart monitor for a week. which hopefully it's just some weird drastic low blood sugar#event or something and there's nothing actually going on. ekg + ct scan for blod clots + virus panel + almost all of the blood work seems#normal so... aa.......#Though me being so privacy focused hrggh... I basically have a constantly bluetooth connected device around me#since the monitor comes with a cell phone that is constantly transmitting data to the place. which they said they'll call you#if they see anything weird which is also scary. random phone calls... but definitely better than letting an issue go unadressed lol#the phone is also not meant to be more than 10 feet away from the monitor at any time so I put on this old tactical fishing#vest thing thats like navy green with 100 pockets and im just using one of the giant pocketson the side as a phone holder#my enormous silly vest just to keep one little phone#ANYWAY... because I got up early the morning before and didn't sleep at all and spent nearly all day in waiting rooms and such#I have been awake for like 32 hours striaght. which I'm sure also does not help with an elevated heartrate lol#feeling shrimp emotions or whatever people talk about unlocking at a certain level of stress and sleep deprivation#and also no food or water. after a while they brought me like 3 saltines and some ice water but I basically also haven't eaten since 3am#last night and it's 2pm now..#thus............ bapy............. baby boye....... he will help ease all ailments with his baby powers...#And no I dont drink energy drinks or anything with caffiene really I'm afraid of all substances on the planet essentially#My body just likes to become shaky and weird randomly even when I'm not conciously anxious about anything/have had no caffiene/etc#and I guess I'm always more nervous about getting anything heart related checked out because of my arm/shoulder/chest area injury stuff#... i literally have constant chest pain all the time. it moves around but i nearly always have some sort of pain or pressure in my chest#so when people are like 'oh well a little weird heartrate is fine but watch out if you have pain!' it's like... i always do lol.. how am I#supposed to tell the Bad Pain apart from the Always Pain when the descriptions of Bad Pain are very very similar#AAAANYway.... hrghh... i wanted to be very productive and finally post drafts and wrok on things today. but alas..#I can at least post small image of soft boye.. though he recently got into stuff in the bathroom whilst left#alone and knocked things into the toilet.. So perhaps not an innocent and NICE boy.. but still.. a soft one .. beautfile....
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I am getting so fed up with myself I just can't get myself to do anything
#like this is always a problem for me but it has been so bad lately#fear I need to be medicated but in typical me fashion I procrastinated calling the clinic I'm trying to go to for like 6 months#only got around to doing it like a month ago and they seem to have extremely long waitlist so I don't even know#if I'll be able to get an appointment before the summer#and if I don't I feel like I'll be completely fucked because my intention is to start studying fr in the autumn#and I want to try medication before then in the quite likely case that it won't work and will make me feel terrible#so that I don't have to deal with all that while starting studying#I just want to have things sorted by then but ofc that won't happen because I'm fucking useless and can't do anything#and the mental health care system in this region is so deeply fucking broken#and noting ever works out easily when it comes to me and medications#this has been a four year long journey and nothing has worked so far#also fear that when I made the application I didn't make my issues sound bad enough and they put me like last in the list#I mean I did say I was a student which sometimes makes you a priority but idek#anyways all this to say it's 17.30 and I've done nothing productive or enjoyable all day I've just been like buffering#and I've been like this nearly every day for the last several weeks and it's making me feel like a fucking waste of space#in general things are just Not Good right now#I've been sick for an entire month and I still feel like shit and I'm just so tired of everything#personal#and my fucking teeth hurt again GOD
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ohoho boy tomorrow is gonna be so bad but yanno what I’m gonna be a brave little guy and I’m gonna treat myself to back to back bath days so it’s all gonna be good in the end. Today was so bad today was fucking dreadful but there will be a way !!!!! I have to remember the small joys I have to stay strong
#I hate driving lessons. I’m sick of pretending that I don’t dread them every week. The guy who teaches me can tell and it pisses him off but#I HAVE to learn to drive I just have to and I WANT to be able to drive I just don’t wanna have to do it.#Plus idk what I’m gonna do bc it snowed today and if it’s still snowy out where I drive it’s gonna be cold asf and I’m gonna hate it !!!!#It’ll be fucking SCARY I’m already scared driving normally#And then I have psychology which isn’t even bad but I had a really bad consolidation task and ever since I haven’t been able to delete that#Connotation between the two in my brain.#I’m gonna create plans tho im gonna decide what im wearing for the next three days and a couple fun things that are going into my schedule#So I can look forward without worrying about offsetting the routine which is what ruined today (fuck snow)#I’m gonna try and read more and spend less money!!!!#Now I’m happy because I’ve got a bit of chill time tonight and then Friday’s horrors will fly pass effortlessly I’m sure and then before I#Know it it’ll be Saturday and the worries will be gone especially as now I know work bestie hasn’t like. Died (work bestie was like really#bad sick last week)
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The only thing bringing me comfort is the fact that I'll get holiday pay next week since I work Christmas + a little bit of Christmas Eve. So there's that I guess. But man missing a full week of work still fucking suuuucks
#shut up max#doing the math its like $420 (after taxes) im losing out on. plus how its gonna affect my bonus next month#siiiiigghhh#i kinda wanna try working tonight even tho i normally have Fridays off. but i know I shouldnt cause im not 100% better yet#just like 85% better#might just go workout at the gym tonight now that our gym is 24/7#technically its been 24/7 for a few months now i just didnt know until recently. anyways#*$420 is how much im missing out on because im still gonna get like roughly $80 post tax#because i took a vacation day Sunday coincidentally before i got sick and those are paid#plus two hours this Sunday that technically count for this week in terms of the pay period even tho its the start of MY work week#tho the vacation day got paid out weird since it was for a Sunday#instead of two hours going to one week and six going to the other like it normally pays for a Sunday#it paid four hours last week and im gonna get the other four hours this upcoming paycheck. so a little weird but still
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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