#been thinking abt this a lot lately so thats why i chose it <3

[pensbridgertons]

SWANFIRE MONTH 2022

day 7 • scene that made you the angriest

is this the underworld? i was on my way to the underworld. yeah, i know that's where you're heading. that's kind of why i'm here. don't go, emma. once you get there, it is not an easy place to get out of. i know you're trying to save hook, but trust me on this. this won't end the way you think it will.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

macccc hi. hi hi <3 ik u don’t watch qsmp but i wanna cry in ur inbox for a second. we got. fucked up sibling dynamics. it happened. cellbit had a twin sister named bagi and he went missing and was thrown into a war and she searched for him endlessly. his first memory is standing over a dead body and having to eat it to survive. bagi is slowly recovering her own memories and is desperate for him to remember her. he keeps pushing her away bc he can’t fathom that he had a LIFE and a FAMILY and people who CARED about him. he thought he came from war but he came from love and didn’t even know it. bagi became a cop just so she could try to break him out of prison but she never got the chance bc he broke out first and she lost him again. she spent fifteen years looking for him and he spent fifteen years trying to survive. they’re both devastated over this in different ways. this always happens with media i get into it always comes back around to messed up siblings i’m going to start eating the floorboards. the strider bros the plant twins ccrimeboys. this is my brother and i need a shovel to love him. you can get a new son or a father but who can grow me a new brother. yk. just gonna lay here and cry for a minute brb

anyway how r u doing!!! how’s it going!!!! how r ur blorbos!! i never got into adventure time as a kid what’s it like what’s the recent series like how’s it going :3 how r ur little guys i wanna know!!!! i’m still watchin hannibal btw makin my way thru s2e2 AS WE SPEAK!!!

OH GOD OH FUCK I LOVE HORRIBLE TRAGIC SIBLINGS !!!!!!!!!!!! i keep saying this but im so glad im not directly into qsmp because i KNOW i would be imprinting on cellbit like a baby duckling. it was A JOKE AT FIRST because i saw he had a white streak but every new thing i learn about him im like. of fuck thats my type of character like. to a t. unbelievable.

I AM DOING GOOD its sooooo cold today and i cannot wait 2 be done with work so i can get all cozy (<< guy who is dumb and chose a career path that is Almost Always Outdoor Manual Labor) . adventure time is soooooooooooooo so so so good. i actually have not seen ANY of the post-canon series which is why im currently rewatching the main one!! i want 2 watch them so bad. ive heard such good things about fionna and cake. ouuguguhg. its a very good show its the perfect balance of really silly and lighthearted and also.... emotions. <3 formative piece of media. u are speaking to the worlds biggest flame princess kinnie. also i have been thinking abt my ocs a lot lately bc i havent drawn them since artfight. this is a DISGRACE.

IM SOOOO GLAD UR STILL ENJOYING HANNIBAL. oh season 2 goes nuts. season 1 is probably my favorite as a whole but my favorite Individual Episode is the season 2 finale. ohhh the season 2 finale makes me so insane. ouguha. also lmk when u meet a character named mason verger i have a funny story about him <3

[x-lynx-x]

lynx log #2

i wandered into jimmys room, and it was now snowing!! like how there was leaves everywhere in victors room, theres now snow in jimmys(i think it had something to do with nicole waking up, cuz jimmys room kinda looked like hers....)we sat on the bed for a bit n they were having trouble talking, so i thought i'd read a wolvie comic to help get their voice back >:[ theres a lot of comics on our desk that havent been put away yet, so i chose this one cuz it kinda looks like jimmy on the cover.....

so i was reading it(a lot of the panels look a lot like jimmy!!facial recognition stuff) and uhm. this page made me realize something.

nothin special on the page, just was the one i realized on. we're been thinkin a lot lately on if we have a primary soul, n who it might be! cuz everyone seems to think theyre the real soul....but its probably jimmy ): we get a lot of messages thru media n we gotta out them together like puzzle pieces. a message we got a couple years ago(but was reminded of today cuz someone liked one of our old posts abt it) was for a character named church. SO a scientist guy made a clone of his consciousness called epsilon, n put epsilon thru a bunch of simulated trauma, which then split him into other consciousness (like us!) n church was a direct clone of epsilon who didnt remember any of the trauma. and also didnt know abt the experiment!! then eventually he found all the other consciousnesses and epsilon n him fused together n he remembered EVERYTHING!! we've had the word epsilon associated with memories ever since '^' and theres a comic where a guy named epsilon red starts giving wolvie his memories back too!!

we've known abt the experiment since we were uhmmm maybe 11? or 10? we've been gettin hints for awhiilleeee but our recent journey in remembering all of eachother again feels similar to the journey church went on....oh yea! context -> me n my system used to know eachother when we were younger, but around age 15 we all got stuck together n forgot ): but in the past month we've been slowly separating n remembering eachother again!! it was a prophecy for vic n victor(similar but 2 different guys hehe) to spend our bday with jimmy, n it thankfully happened!!! we were worried abt there being a big fight that day(since sabes n wolvie usually fight on that day) n well....that turned out to be true too v_v they forgot how often they fought n there was a fight that morning n victor ended up also fighting with tiff(another member) during the day too(the problem was that jimmy didnt believe either of them were real, n victor even really tried proving himself by fronting for a several days before they remembered eachother! he was searching really hard for jimmy, just like jimmy had been all those years he couldnt remember him...). but that day ended good, so thats all settled now :3 except for the nicole fighting today lol oops.

anywayyyyy back to the story!! after i told jimmy abt this theory, he started changing more into logan(the one in the comic) and vic got concerned and came over to our room. he was crying and didnt know why ): he looked similar to the comic too.

vic held logan for a bit....uhmmm what did we talk about hmm.......OH

right!!!the experiment!!!!so this comic is about how they layer a fake memory over top of real ones, so it implies that sabes n fox were also being experimented on like X was!! so in our case, maybe we're not fake split offs, but rather we're all connected somehow. (we have a member whos name means 'birth of X' btw!!)

that was one of our theories at age 13, that all of us were sleeping in the same lab somewhere. but maybe we knew eachother too.....

the big question is -> whos helping us wake up?

woahhhh cliffhanger :o stay tuned for more fun lynx adventures!!!!!✨✨

[justanartisticduck]

Warning: eyestrain, LONG post (please please tumblr don’t ruin the quality ;u;), implied abuse, death/harm, fire, teeth..? And glitchy effect, please look elsewhere if these make you uncomfy.

HEYA ITS ME AGAIN AND I SPENT ALMOST 5 HOURS STRAIGHT MAKING THIS :DDDDD

SO! This is a little thingy I did based off a song called “Neighborhood #2 (Laika)” by Arcade Fire! Now, earlier I made a post saying how this song really reminded me of my Duck interpretation regarding both their past and future- now this is mostly based off the meaning/references of this song, now I won’t get into too much detail, especially since one of the references is EXTREMELY dark and sad SO I’ll summarize by saying the themes I decided to focus on here! First being the topic of running away from a… not so great life.. And second being a death that was MEANT to happen- (both themes were discovered by the music video and also by some research-) NOW I chose these themes since they.. directly correlate with my Duck (both being that their childhood was.. not great.. and by the fact they LITERALLY DIE IN THE SERIES-) hence why this song reminds me of them so much <3 So yeah! Now i wanted to protray so much but alas i was limited to only a canvas- (some day i will make an animatic of this.. some day <33) BUT i did try representing a few things here!! First off at the top of the canvas we have Malicia, i put here here mostly cuz if the lyrics but also bc she was the first person who influenced Robin’s long line of misfortune. Alongside that we have younger Robin, to go along with Malicia.. Now before you ask their feathers are brown here because this is before they had started dying their feathers green and the reason they had wings was because birds thought it was cool AND they also recently have been thinking about that one legend abt Icarus flying too close to the sun with his wax wings and ended up falling into the ocean because of this- (listen birds has had a LOT on their mind lately leave me alone-) AJYWAYS so they also have some odd red lines surrounding them as you can see- now these are supposed to be spider lilies (which, if you dont know why they are important here, search their meaning) NOW these were supposed to be more detailed but I literally couldn’t make them more detailed for it is late and birds has been drawing this for hours- SO yeah!! Next we see both the feathers which are falling from Robin’s wings and the stem of one of the spider lilies which reside nearby current Robin who now bears their classic green feathers. Now i don’t have much to say here about them in this portion of the thingy BUT i like to think this is them pre June 19th, this also is supposed to correlate slightly with what is below them.. BUT i like to think THIS is them upon realizing Roy is a bad person, this is them upon loosing their friend Daisy (which may or may not have been referenced by the flowers covering their eyes- 👀), this is them upon the time that.. for once in all their time knowing eachother… they and red weren’t on great terms- So, their distrust for Roy continues to the next shot but, instead, here they are not just distrustful of Roy… but also.. they fear him here- Alongside that this is where the stem of the spider lily ends, where their lost feathers transform into teeth which, note, belong to the monster can- (and also notice, it seems as if the teeth are about to bite onto Robin… gee, wonder what thats referencing lol-) and then Roys hands are now surrounding the duck as they look with pure fear.. this is where the canvas ends… and… well… considering the themes and foreshadowing already present- im sure you know what this likely means for them-

Now thats it for the main description as to what birds was thinking upon making this!! NOW uh this all was inspired by the song mentioned previously and yeah!! (Also small thing i wanna mention but i personally like to believe Robins brother, Rodney, is the one singing here, out of greif and anger, but thats just my personal silly thought hehe- >:3) BUT i am so SO happy with how this came out!! There are a few things i messed up BUT I DONT CARE THIS MAKES ME FEEL ACCOMPLISHED AND I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED THIS!! Seriously i hope yall thought it was as cool as i thought it was :3 Anywho, goodbye and i hope yall liked this!! :DD

(Also side note: not to be annoying but please reblog this- i spent literal hours making this and im really happy with how this came out and i would appreciate it if you could reblog this- you don’t have to BUT i would still appreciate it!!! Ty <333 -sincerely, a tired Duck)

[violasmirabiles]

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to know better.

i got tagged by @ruskatuska which i somehow forgot to mention first jesus christ why am i like this

1. Name/Nicknames: ali

2. Gender: who tf knows

3. Star Sign: aries

4. Height: 160cm

5. Time: gonna be 1pm in a bit

6. Birthday: march 26 so yall still have time to get me presents 

7. Favourite Band: pink floyd and wigwam are my go to bands to put here but really there are So Many

8. Favourite Solo Artist: also So Many but bowie and kate bush are safe choices

9. Song Stuck in My Head: rufus wainwright - cigarettes and chocolate milk

10. Last Movie: it chapter two

11. Last Show: uhh. god i dont know. 

12. When I Created This Blog: late 2011. like late november, early december. i know it was before i saw paul mccartney in helsinki and that was on dec 12 2011

13. What I Post: whatever fandom shit im into at any given time, bands/artists/music i like, whatever pretty and or interesting and or funny catches my eye. just posted a selfie, i do some of those. some text posts. i do use this blog to vent and i do have a shit brain so yeah

14. Last Thing I Googled: the model of my vacuum cleaner so i could find the right kind of filters i need for it lol

15. Other Blogs: @ihmekukkavesi for my photography, @shineondoc for university hell with some stephen king peppered in there. but it like. its relevant

16. Do I get asks?: sometimes. not super often. but like, i dont reblog those ask memes very often and the one good update this piece of shit website ever did is the chat system so thats good

17. Why I Chose My URL: i mean i wanted something related to my name (it is, trust me), coulda been another species but this one can also be a sneaky reference to a character from a thing im into so . yeah lol. also aesthetic. i mean it looks cool. pretty.

18. Following: a lot of people, many of whom arent active anymore but i keep following them anyway because what if they come back one day

19. Followers: a little under 2300

20. Average Hours of Sleep: eight-ish so thats good

21. Lucky Number: dont really have one of those but if a number is even OR divisible by 5 its a good number. i like 12 more than 10

22. Instruments: i have a 20-year-old shitty electric piano my dad gave me when he needed room for a newer, better electric piano. only in my current place i dont really have enough room for it even though i need it to practice choir stuff independently and just like having it because sometimes i just like to fuck around with it yknow? not calling myself good cos im not im super out of practice cos ive never been diligent abt that sorta thing but i can accompany myself and thats enough. so i keep it under my bed, not the best place, and practice on the fucking floor. cant even use pedals that way and that sucks ass. one day i will move to a bigger apartment and set it up again. i also have a baby blue ukulele with a picture of jack nicholson as jack torrance doing his heres johnny face taped on it. i got it in 2019 from my brother and his girlfriend as a christmas gift and was doing my ba thesis at the time, which i think a lot of the people who follow me know was about the shining. also also i can play guitar and bass but am not excellent at either because i never practice either of those and have neither in my apartment. and i never practice the ukulele either so even though i know a few chords i fucking suck. maybe someday.

23. What I Am Wearing: black leggings. black shirt. one black sock and one white one

24. Dream Job: i want to be able to write in some capacity and get paid for it but thats all i know and if i think too hard on it ill work myself up and wont be able to sleep so im gonna leave it at that  

25. Dream Trip: right now i just want to be able to visit my True Home Town which is not this piece of this place where i live and study and also happened to be born in

26. Favourite Food: yeah. not olives

27. Nationality: finnish

28. Favourite Song: feel like this woulda been more appropriate with the other music/art questions but hey whatever. also how the fuck am i supposed to have a favorite song when so many different gems exist. go listen to the musical box by genesis though it fucks me up every time i dont care what it does to you

29. Last Book I Read: still working on white noise by don delillo im fuckin slow i didnt use to be this slow

30. Top 3 fictional universes I would love to live in: the one where i can fucking FUNCTION, the one where i can Fucking Function and am also some sort of professional™ writer™ , and uhh. yeah idk

im gonna tag @panwriter, @appelssiini, @stokoetopia, @slip-sliding-away and @kukkahattumursu but no pressure or anything no ones gotta do this if they dont feel like it

[xumoonhao]

check-in tag!! i was tagged by @vernons to do this! thank you oona~ 💖

1. Why did you choose your url?

haos performance of night & rain (the one where he sits on the moon!) is one of my fav performances any of the members have ever done, plus i thought it fit with his name c:

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them name them and why you have them

i dont have any! i have been thinking of making one lately to post stuff i write, but im still unsure ^^;

3. How long have you’ve been on tumblr?

ive only had this blog since january when i remade, but i had the one before that since late 2013/early 2014? i think thats when i made it, at least! i did have an older blog than that one though from, hm...2010 or 2011? ive been here a long time bnkjdf

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i dont! if im posting im here but this blog is Barren when im not on bfmbk i would like to have a queue going tho! i just never remember to queue posts

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

there was an anime blog i used to really like and i made my blog to follow them instead of going to their blog manually to look at their posts bkfdnj then i made the blog i remade this one from bc i missed this site after not using it for a few years/i was bored and dont use any other social media!

6. Why did you choose your icon?

i wanted my icon to match my url, which was sidebysidemv at the time!

7. Why did you choose your header?

i chose my header bc the eyezmag shoot is haos BEST photoshoot ever (i think abt it constantly! its GORGEOUS) and that pic in particular is my favourite!

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

this post i made abt the poster for beyond evil!

9. How many mutuals do you have?

i dont think i could count them all, honestly ^^ but if i were to guess, maybe around 40?

10. How many followers do you have?

69!

11. How many people do you follow?

70!

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

oh im sure i have fdbfdk

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

in the afternoon mostly, but sometimes during the evening/night!

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

hm...i dont think i ever have!

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

i think that, quite often, theyre used as guilt trips/they try to make people feel bad about not knowing about an issue thats not being talked about much. i dont reblog posts like that because i Do Not like the way they almost use the issues theyre talking about to just get notes :/

16. Do you like tag games?

i love them!! theyre SO much fun and i think theyre a really nice way to get to know other blogs/mutuals 💖

17. Do you like ask games?

absolutely!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i think a lot of my mutuals are well known in their own circles (esp the content creators! i love you guys sm <3) which is its own kind of famous, i think c:

19. Do I have a crush on a mutual?

i dont <3 i do love all my mutuals though!

20. Tags?

hm...ill tag @buehia, @zhuhongs, and @safetytree (only if you want to do it, of course!)

[cannibaldatingsite]

omg thank u for tagging me @milfdean 🥺🥺🥺🥺 having to write out milfdean for that is so funnyKIUYGHSIDLFUG anyway. Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 people you'd like to get to know better!

1. Name: worm!!!!

2. Gender: dyke

3. Star sign: leo 

4. Height: around 164 cm

5. Time: 01:08 am

6. Birthday: 15th august!

7. Favorite band/group: PLEASE THIS IS SO DIFFICULT????? uhhh lately its balstyrko, evanescence and alice in chains i think!!

8. Favorite solo artists: again theres too many???? but yea lately its mostly been fiona apple, kate bush andd idk leslie cheung?

9. Song stuck in my head: stacey q insecurity

10. Last movie: rocketman

11. Last show: hannibal hehehe im rewatching with a friend

12. When did I create this blog: THIS ONE i made in august this year cus i like, got into hannibal again but originally i was VERY active in 2011-2015

13. What do I post: supernatural mostly rn but also hannibal and other like, horror stuff!!

14. Last thing I googled: got jakrapun

15. Other blogs: nope!

16. Do I get asks: not very often but like sometimes

17. Why I chose this url: haha funnyy cannibal show hahaa

18. Following: 159

19. Followers: 699 

20. Average hours of sleep: 5-6 hours on weekdays

21. Lucky number: oh man i have ocd i cant talk abt numbers or ill keep going

22. Instruments: i play a little bit of drums hehe

23. What I am wearing: uhhh big hooters chef t-shirt and track pants

24. Dream job: forensic pathologist OH or like taxidermist thatd be fun

25. Dream trip: idk smewhere close to home but cold and quiet

26. Favorite food: i like koshari a lot OH and æbleskiver

27. Nationality: danish

28. Favorite song: rn its alice in chains - down in a hole

29. Last book I read: last one i FINISHED was probably the blade itself by joe abercrombie but im like the awful type of person whos in the midst of reading like 30 different books

30. Top three fictional universes I'd like to live in: literally the only thing i can come up with is halloweentown from nightmare before christmas i think i would fit in well there tagging @spocksbong @funeralfreak @orphiuz @clawgore @5nufk1n @mischatruther @nietzscheantrout @beconsumed @discordantz @gayfaggot  @kollitz @lilgynt @gaytieflings @matthewbrown @horrorlesbians aight thats 15 im not doing more IF U DONT FEEL LIKE IT NO PRESSURE OBSVLY MWAH

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 10: “It’s Like Giving A Baby A Glock” - Mo

I’ve been tricked, I’ve been backstabbed and, quite possibly, bamboozled.

So like here’s the thing, the person I thought going into merge I could trust the least is apparently now my closest ally. That’s Julia. I thought everyone was on the same page of voting out Tom like oh we’re gucci. But fucking quick fake out, no such thing as Tom getting voted out. I literally started hysterically laughing because no one was answering me when I asked what happened on the call. Now I don’t know what to do but I’m still just gonna have fun.

operation vote alex was a success. i feel really really awful because he looked so upset, but he was just too powerful and couldn't stick around any longer ahh. in other news sleeping beauty tom is so funny, he almost self-voted himself out of the game I am truly screaming. i was determined this season to make up for the last time we played together and i think i got to do that ahh.

in other news... i need to go into hiding. i have done way too much in both of the last votes, and its really gonna start getting me some attention unless i really really go under the radar. me and jules are the only people who voted both ian and alex, and on call with jason i think its obvious to him now that us two are close eek!

i feel like mo is a good next vote, he is much more of an outsider than jones and is an easy vote which is what i need since im in such a highlighted position at the moment eek, i really think i'm gonna go like 8th or something, so we will see how that little pickle goes eek!

New Goal Bootlist: Mo > Jones > Jason > Julia > Mitch > Me/Caeleb/Jules/Benj/Tom F5, ahh I love everyone left way too much this is gonna become such a pickle when I don't wanna vote out like.... half the tribe EEK. lets just hope its all smooth sailing till i idol someone out eek.

i do not expect to make FTC, but I just wanna use my idol correctly before I go askljdfa. Also new jury rankings if I get booted 10th:

Jules > Jason > Benj > Caeleb > Mitch > Jones > Julia > Tom > Mo

Caeleb shot up my rankings for being open to a move, Jason would be a major underdog if he makes it to FTC, Jules is too woke and deserves votes, and Benj is playing a super smart game ha! We will see, but I sure do not expect to last much longer in this game KLASDFA

HELLO!!! This game has been chaos lately. Firstly Ian gets blindsided and I knew it would be a split vote but had no clue he was leaving wow... but then this round all the people who organised that got blindsided with the Alex vote hehe. I didn't vote him bc my vote was publicized by Ian even tho I didn't vote him smh but I fully knew about it and kinda helped with it even tho its mainly caelebs move

Alex was super nice I liked him but it was purely for game he was the biggest threat and we were almost certain he had durmitor idol so! Even with tom self voting it worked wowow so I guess jules also voted with ali/caeleb/mitch/Jason

I don't talk to Julia or mo but IM SO SAD ABT JONES I DONT KNOW IF SHE KNOWS I KNEW OR NOT BUT I LOVE HER AND HOPE SHE DONT HATE ME

But whew this merge has been so crazy and I love it. Im kinda becoming floaterish again but that's fine bc we see threats leave early like ian and alex so! this should work for a while... altho im terrified to even make the end cuz its a live finale tribal AHHHH but idk if I will make it there anyway we will see. prob not .

Current rankings (strategically)

1. Ali - MY KINGGGG FOREVER!!!! Best duo ever and I don't think anyone knows it... we have voted differently again so its like perfect cuz despite doing diff stuff we still tell each other everything. and I hope we find merge idol so we have 2 hehe

2. Caeleb - Omg we have been working together a lot more closely lately and I really like it hes fun to work with im so sad I voted him 2 rounds ago LOL but its ok since its going to well now! king

3. Mitch - Only person ive been on every tribe with, usually always on the same page w stuff

4. Jones - LOVE HER QUEEN! she would be like tied 1st for personal but so far we have voted diff both times at merge oops! but still wanna go far with her

5/6. Jules/Tom - Without really talking about strategy we were still on the same page. Tom aussie king. JULES FRIENDLY QUEEN!

7/8/9. Jason/Julia/Mo - I just don't know how to talk to them really lol but all nice . my fault cuz maybe im so inactive... love u guys still

IDK WHATS NEXT BUT I WANNA MAKE TOP 9 ATLEAST!! Single digits again yus

Ok ok after tending to my needy cat, taking a shower, and taking a short 6 hour nap that others may call sleep,,, I’m 60% in the right headspace to gather my thoughts I think.

Last nights move was so good, I hated it Bc I wasn’t included in it but it was so good. But also seeing Alex literally on the verge of tears was NOT so good. That was actually depressing. Granted he WAS the biggest threat to win and he was on the verge of becoming an extremely controlling paranoid person - but dammit the combination of Mitch/Ali/Jason/Jules/Caeleb/Tom (to an extent) got us SO good.

BTW I can say with like 95% certainty that those were the 6 people involved w Alex going. It only makes sense to me that it would be? Ali/Mitch/Tom straight up TOLD me why they did what they did, Jason Bc why the fuck would he vote out Tom, Caeleb has expressed so much paranoia ab Alex that I’d be shocked if he wasn’t on board w it, and honestly Jules just hasn’t said anything ab anything and Alex went home w 5 votes, Benj and Julia voted Jason, Mo was VISIBLY shaken by Alex going, and I know I didn’t do it. So unless I’m missing someone in my process of elimination, those are the 6 people involved in the murder of Alexander Crooks.

Also on a couple unrelated notes - I’m thinking ab willing my vote cover to someone. I just don’t understand why I should be afraid of being exposed - I feel like I shouldn’t have anything to hide yk? Assuming I have to expose my vote I mean, hopefully I don’t! But ya

Also literally the round Before last round I think Caeleb actually exposed the plan to blindside Alex to me ? Like he was talking to me ab Tom and Ali wanting to get him out and then I approached Ali ab it and he was like no that’s not a thing BUT IT WAS A THING!! I think Alex was supposed to go last round, but Bc I confronted Ali ab it then it got pushed back??? Or it was legit just meant for this round smdmmdmd but um ya that’s might be the same plan?? So maybe I’ll expose Caeleb a bit hehehehe.

But honestly tho I think this could be really good for me in the sense that every single person thought of me as a duo w Alex - now I’m kind of a free agent who can do whatever the fuck I want!! Which is fun, the only true alliances I have w people now are just w benj and mo, which is cute and also I doubt anyone would target them anytime soon ? Tom seems like he’s still open to working w me, so are Ali and Mitch. Julia was also blindsided hardcore so maybe she’d be down to work out something too ? Right now I’m just holding out hope knowing for a fact that I CAN make this situation better. I’ve literally BEEN in this situation 2 times already?? I can do this! Just like Co-Star always tells me.

Wait just kidding on the Julia thing I can’t trust her either, I can only trust Jones at the moment.

So I found out from Benj that there was another split vote led by Alex. Last tribal he failed to tell me that they were going to vote out Ian instead of Jason. So this time around, when I found out that they were going to do the same thing to me again, I knew there was no going back with my new connection with Ali. The more I talked around with everyone the more the pieces started to align. Tom and Jason were targets so they would be easy to get involved. With me and Ali that's already 4. Mitch was going to be the fifth, and Jules as well if we felt like he wasn't going to go for it. I honestly wanted to vote Jules first tho, and I talked to Ali and Benj about that originally, but Ali had reservations as Jules is SUCH a flipper. AND THEN Julia voted so early, so I kinda went up to everyone in this new group and was like, "okay that was arrogant I think she's trying to be funny but thats enough for me to vote her," and Ali was way more into that so for a couple hours we had that going. BUT MITCH WAS NO WHERE TO BE SEEN. Like we had our four and we were ready but Mitch didn't come on line until like 40 min before tribal. And when he did he was like I'm voting Alex. I really didn't want to go for Alex right away because of a couple of reasons. One being that if he heard of this vote in anyyy way he might be able to get Jones to play her idol for him and that could destroy everything. SECONDLY, I knew that if we voted him then I was gonna have to do some SERIOUS damage control with Mo and Jones but if I had the opportunity to vote out Julia instead, I can go back to them and say that I knew I had to take the opportunity to be involved in the decisions but I didn't want it to be any of them. SOOO last 40 min I had to make a really big decision if I was gonna vote Alex or Tom and ultimately, I chose to vote out Alex. It just would put me in a better position.

I am so glad I did it to be honest. The moment I saw Alex's name five times I knew I made the right decision. I felt Happy and I felt Free. Alex was clearly using me as a failsafe, an easy first vote out once Me, Mo, Alex, Jones, Julia, Jules, and Ali were left. Now, this game is open up not just for me, but for everybody. I seriously think anyone can take control at this point. I don't need it to be me, I just need it to be someone who likes me. I think Jones is the most dangerous player right now, because of her idol. But I have kept that to myself, as well as her advantage, because while I might have to play the middle ground, I'm not a snitch.

Everyone is always so obsessed with being a hero or a villain. Going into Tumblr Survivor as a new player I really wanted to find out what type of player I was going to become. If I was gonna fit into one of those roles. I don't know what I am. I kinda feel like a villain because clearly that was a devious move, and I broke a strong alliance, but also I feel like I was a villain by default. I didn't necessarily want to be that player, I actually would've loved to have felt safe in that group. But trust has gotta go both ways, and if you show me two tribals in a row that you don't trust me to tell me the whole plan, I'm not gonna stick true with a group that sees me as expendable. So sure I was a villain, but it wasn't about vengeance or deceit or ill-will. It was to put this game back on a balance, and move me into a new spot that can work for me.

Okay, something I have learned about Survivor is that you have to put your Pride in Check. Tom is so nice to me, says a lot of things along the lines of "thanks for saving me," "you and I can go far in this," and such. And he told me he wasn't going to vote me in the first merge vote, and I think he believes that he fooled me. I know he voted me. He's literally the only person that would think voting me was the majority vote, except Ian and Jason. I wanna tell him that I know so badly so he doesn't think he's pulling one over me but I can't because I want him to think he can work with me, that I am in his pocket because he "stuck his neck out for me" or whatever.

Also ummm Mitch told me that Alex had a planned assassination on me for the last vote before merge. But he didn't tell me until after the Alex vote and said Jones was in on it. I know better than to trust what Mitch tells me for sure, so I don't think I will even go and fact check him on it. I honestly don't know how that would've helped Alex in the slightest so I don't know if its true, but also Alex likes to throw out my name as a "just in case" so god who knows. Regardless, I doubt I'll use this information for anything because it honestly doesn't matter going forward, other than that Mitch is a little bit of a snake.

hehe

So I won the reward challenge because I’m cool.

I

Have

No

Fucking clue

What to do with this

Like all three of the people voted Alex off without telling me about anything and I was in an alliance chat with all three of them (Ali & Jules in Space Jam, Caeleb in Durmitor Dominators) so like of course I was sad because that meant I was on the outs. Truth be told I kinda wish I didn’t win this because it’s like giving a baby a glock. Because I don’t know how to come out of this without people thinking I’m holding a grudge.

okay so mo won reward which is okay! I dont really wanna ask him to save me, because that will require making promises that I dont know if I'll be able to keep. I expect to be cursed this round.

touchy subjects is going to tank my game like CRAZY. I'm worried that Caeleb, Benj & Jules could all say they trust me most which is highkey terrifying, because if I win that it'll send red flags to all of them. I expect to win the shady game ones, about lying and flipping on alliances and stuff which is not as bad because I can just blame that on Space Jam which I told Caeleb about.

My big fear and this could just be ego-talking, like when I thought I was gonna win the lists challenge and then came second last but I'm so worried about getting the will win if they make it to the end category, thats... a death sentence in my opinion.

Wanna do like a quick update for each person too, just so I can look back when they all hate me at the end of the season:

Benj: my KING. He is such a legend, I love talking to me and do not think I would ever be able to vote for him, except at FTC! Wanna go super far with him, super super far!

Caeleb: Oh god I'm already realising the problem, which is that I love everyone. Caeleb I did not expect to get as close to, but he is so so fun to talk to! I'm really giving with him, and I think he is close to Benj too, so could be a good endgame person too. Will see on that one.

Jason: I love him! I for some reason convinced myself that he hated me during the swap, but I dont think... he does? he is SO smart and fun, I'd love to vote for him at an FTC. Ideally he needs to go before then, but I've lost Ian and Alex who were great shields so he acc probably needs to stick around.

Jones: Okay Jones is tough. Like... we stan becausee she is so much fun and I love talking to her. But talking game with her right now is tough because we have this weird poor communication and I'm conscious of not making empty promises when I want to see her go soon. I really like her on a personal, but I see either me voting her out or her voting me out.

Jules: what can I say except we stan. I talk to her and Benj the most by far, they are just consistently showing why we love them! I think they are such a threat, but I cant face the idea of voting them out eek! Wanna go super far with Jules because I LOVE THEM and they are a great friend and ally!

Julia: I messed up with Julia BAD. I should've told her about the Alex vote, I really think she would've been down, and it would've been so much better. Now she is upset and paranoid, and I feel so bad. I did her wrong and need to make it up to her, but I dont know if I will be able to eeek!

Mitch: he is so funny HDJDKDKD, like the way he talks is so funny. I've had a real rollercoaster relationship with him this season, but I could see some sort of alliance of me/Caeleb/Mitch/Benj coming together in the future! We will see ahh!

Mo: I've been quite harsh about Mo in confessionals this season but I feel like this vote gave him the kick he needs? Like he was playing it super safe and while it frustrates me seeing him say stuff like just keep me to F7 and such, he is, as always great to be around and a lotta fun!

Tom: Sleeping Beauty Tom. It's so funny to me that he stayed despite self-voting and sleeping. He is so much fun, I was determined to make up for our last game and I think I have ahh.

Summary is I wanna see Jones and Mo out next, then Mitch & Jason, then Julia leaving a F5 of Caeleb/ Me/ Benj/ Tom/ Jules? Thats the dream anyway ha!

Maybe I'm just paranoid but I feel like I've backstabbed/betrayed a good amount of people in this game and it's hard because sure they were moves that had to be made, but I hate being THAT PERSON. I don't know. Here's a confession Johnny, I'm trying but I'm bad at these.

So Mo said he was going to give me the reward tonight. He definitely doesn't talk to me as much and is much less excited and fun to talk to but I think I need to just accept that. The fact that he came up to me to tell me he's giving it to me, rather than me asking, makes me think he's telling the truth.

Plus I am being honest with him when I tell him that I don't want it to be him next. I hope he knows that.

Jones meanwhile has yet to say anything to me after last tribal. I finally messaged her last night, saying that I didn't mean anything towards her when I voted Alex. I hope she'll come around, but if not, then umm I kinda have no choice but to be wary of her and her idol and might have to do something about it. I don't want to though, I do wanna work with both her and Mo.

I actually think Julia is on my side. I can’t tell if she’s lying but she seemed upset because apparently no one talked to her about the plan to vote out Alex.

I'm bored at work. This tribal council is Odd as Hell. No one wants to throw out names, no one wants to seem too schemey, so everyone is just talking about being nervous and concerned. I honestly don't know who I want to go home because I think this vote is going to determine the course of this game post-Alex. I know I sure as hell don't want to come off as someone who is dictating the votes, so I'm trying to make it clear that I am willing to go with the flow with anyone who needs a vote rn.

I think there are people who have my back hopefully that will tell me if I need to be worried at least. Ali hopefully would, Tom *hopefully* would (but who knows hes sneaky), Mo was nice enough to give me the reward but um the Alex vote has changed him, I miss the old Mo. come back. Jones finally is talking to me again, but she's still trying to keep some secrets about the last couple of votes so I don't fully trust her. Benj hopefully would, but I was surprised he talks to Julia so much. Jason hopefully would, but now with Alex gone his game opens up tremendously. Julia would never tell me. Mitch wouldn't tell me unless it helped himself which I can't imagine happening. Jules probably wouldn't tell me because she's the easiest to convince into doing something no matter what Touchy Subjects said. She's literally flipped allegiances like every single vote ever. I hope I can survive tonight because I think this is going to be a pivotal vote and literally anyone can go home tonight (except Benj who has the sweet immunity).

HI um I think this game is broken? No one will say anything to anyone. Did I do this? Did I break this game? Or maybe we all did? Maybe Ali did maybe Jules did maybe Mitch did because us four are the middle people and we created an atmosphere where no one trusts anyone? or everyone trusts some people and none of that fits into a substantial person to vote?

I'm literally laughing rn. I am logging off. I am not going to focus on this game because literally every person just says "I don't want to throw a name out" "I haven't heard anything" "what have you heard" Like the gravity of this is crazy. This has gone on for HOURS. I don't know what to do so I am going to ignore my messages for like an hour and then reanalyze because Damn.

APPARENTLY NO ONES SAYING SHIT. But like part of me is like “Hm.... Yeah ok sure...” thinking it’s gonna be me. Because either everyone is lying to me or everyone’s genuinely confused.

okay i did a video confessionals that's uploading which has my thoughts from a couple of hours ago.

since then jules is pushing for mitch to go... but its so tough. mitch i think has my back, i just wanna vote mo and delay this war by a round. I just want someone like Mo or Jones gone, its getting tough. I'm playing the middle and am in a web of problems.

I have to have Jules back above all. Benj is safe, so I need to keep them safe. I need to get the vote on like Mo or someone, but Caeleb wants to vote Mitch or Jules too... ugh this is getting really messy and I'm worried and tired.

Idk if I sent this yet but

At the moment rightnow it seems like it’s Jules or Mitch, right now I think,,,, the best way to vote is Mitch. I’m Trying to get everyone on the path for mitch because I think Jules is falling in the “I’m a big threat wah” category and I want that to keep growing,,, I just feel,, so awful.

Mitch if you’re reading this ily w my whole heart and I still wanna crash Drew’s library w you some day

i am... what we call in the business, trash. i upset mitch and deserve to be voted out for it. i'm snappin' hearts on my way to FTC LORD.

[evilpuppyboy]

🌵20 Questions🌵

I was tagged by @monbeboo!! Thank you so much❤️❤️❤️ sorry this took so long!! Rules: Answer 20 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better. 👑Nickname: dont have any that are Acceptable 👑Gender: H E L L 👑Star Sign: pisces 👑Height: 5'5, 5'6 if im being generous.. 👑Time right now: uuhhh (Its taken me a long time to do this so it prb isnt accurate anymore) 👑Last Thing I Googled: review for chemistry!!! 👑Favorite Bands: BTS, VIXX, MONSTA X, Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is..., People in the Box, and many, many more!!!!! 👑Favorite Solo Artist: 👏Yasushi 👏 Isshii👏 👑Song Stuck In Your Head: Shopping Mall by Got7 👑Last Movie I Watched: Gosh it has been a while.. im not sure to be honest.. 👑Last TV Show I Watched: i havent watched much tv lately either!! I prb watched an old episode of lipstick prince 👑When Did You Create Your Blog: summer like 2-3 years ago?? I think?? 👑What Kind of Stuff Do You Post: lots of kpop!! Also some aesthetic stuff, and a whole lot of other things!!! 👑When did your blog Reach its peak? I dont know!! Hopefully it will continue to become more popular!! 👑Do You Have Any Other Blogs: nope!! I cant manage that sort of thing well!! 👑Do You Get Asks Regularly: nope!! But feel free to drop me an ask!! 👑Why Did You Chose Your URL: i kinda just threw some random words together and now here we are!! 👑Following: a whole lot 😅 👑Posts: WAY TOO MANY 👑Hogwarts House: i dont know.. anything abt harry potter.. 👑Pokemon Team: team plasma, i guess!! 👑Favorite Colors: any colour of sunset, like pink and orange!! 👑Average Hours of Sleep: idk less than 8 at night but then i nap a lot, so prb like 9ish on average?? 👑Lucky Numbers: 8, 13, 82 👑Favourite character: Get Ready: Xerxes Break, Nezumi, Karma Akabane, Konoha, everyone from Tanaka-kun wa itsumo kedaruge, and many more!! 👑What Are You Wearing Right Now: just regular clothes i guess 👑How many blankets do you sleep with: 4 or 5 wow thats a lot.. i dont know why i sleep with so many lol 👑Dream job: uhuuuuhhhhhhhhhggggg i dont know.. i would like to do art or smth??? Maybe?? 👑Dream trip: anywhere but with all my friends!! I tag: @wonhosbf, @vchangkyun, @dontpanicwerenotatthedisco, @demonminhyuk, @kittyminhyuk, @sweetheartwonho, @floral-gaylien, @aiemwhoim, @big-bangs, @z0w0z, @marshmallow6790, and anyone else who would like to!!!

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.