#because well first of all theres truth to that it has bad side effects and its not very good for you

[iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife]

it feels like I'm going fucking insane I just finished the episode "One day, one room" and i was fucking astounded. It left me with my mouth open, literally peak television. Seeing this side of house, seeing him finally open up for once, seeing him say "I don't know", the novelty of seeing him experience the fact that connection comes with uncertainess. He made that human connection and he doesn't know if it helped her or not

The DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TIME HOUSE GOES TO THE JOGGING PARK TO GET AWAY FROM CUDDY AND ITS OLAYED FOR LAUGHS AND THEN THE SAME LOCATION IS SHOWN FROM A NEW PERSPECTIVE BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY WHEN HE TAKES THE PATIENT THERE

THE CHANGE. THE FUCKING CHANGE OF THE MOOD OF THE TONE OF THE WHOLE EPISODE. THE CHARACTERIZATION GODDDDD

This literally had a huge effect of me this episode was touching

ANYWAYS PEOPLE ON REDDIT DONT LIKE IT???? AM I INSANE???? AM I DUMB???? AM I ILLITERATE IN MEDIA??? AM I GOING INSANE??? IS THIS NOT ONE OF THE BEST HOUSE MD EPISODES????? im asking you because youre the only house md person i know on this hellsite

Well, your first mistake was taking what people on reddit say seriously and letting their opinion affect the way YOU think about this episode and how it affected you!!!!! One day one room is indeed, an amazing episode, it really is one of those times where we see House truly open up. One of the rare times where he opens up to someone other than Wilson, or Cuddy, someone who doesn't actually even really know him. And he opens up for the patients benefit!! He only does it because she asked him to!! He doesn't have much to gain from this but she asked for it, she basically begged for someone to connect with her pain and he happened to be the one she chose for the task. Even tho this sort of thing does NOT come naturally to him at all.

Theres just something about how uncertain he is about all of this too. The way he asks his team for help (tell her your life sucked - it didn't, tell her nothing bad has ever happened to you - but it did, dont tell her anything. and don't these answers say some interesting things about the people who gave them), the way he settles for a half truth at first and almost loses her trust because of it. The way he eventually just lets it happen. The way he is still so uncertain about whether he did the Right thing even when the impact of his actions seems to be mostly positive. The way he is still not sure if he truly helped her or if he just made a traumatised girl remember the horrible things that happened to her. The way he had to unearth his own past to do that (did it make any difference? Wouldn't it have been better to just forget everything?). The way he is clearly bothered by it. "Because i don't know." What a way to end this episode. All of that uncertainty, the fact that human connections are one of those things that he will never be able to fully understand or control, the fact that he will never know if he made the right choice. Its honestly been a few months since i last watched the earlier seasons but you made me think about this ep again and yeah you are so right, this is probably one of the best house md episodes. Me (insane) to you (also insane): you are not insane and neither am i. Take my hand. Strangers on reddit don't know shit.

[prophetofnothing]

Hey. hi. do you wanna hear my teen wolf homestuck classpects. of course you do.

thank you for listening. theres more characters i want to do but i still havent been able to settle on anything yet. reasoning below the cut

scott: maid of blood. very blood player. his whole life revolves around his relationships, his love life, his friendships, his pack, his mother and father. hes also all about being a true alpha and a natural leader. these are all blood player traits. maids are generally quite passive, starting out with an absence of their aspect and relying on others for it. sounds like scott! he relies on the people in his life to keep him anchored, relies on derek to teach him how to use his abilities, relies on stiles' friendship and is generally quite passive in his role as a protagonist. eventually maids get so much of their aspect they dont know what to do with it. this happens to scott as he comes into his own as an alpha and has to navigate being the leader of his pack.

jackson: thief of life. thief theif thief. his jealousy, his competitiveness. this guy can be a hundred miles away and you can still see hes a theif. thieves horde their aspect, they want to be the best at their aspect, and if anyone else tries to be better than them they will shit and puke themselves to death. i make him a theif of life because he killed people as the kanima (stealing their lives) so i think it is fitting in that sense. but life also represents affluence, healing, growth. jackson is always trying to flex his wealth and his talent and his academic prowess. he wants to prove he has a better life than anyone else. i think its also fitting with his character arc, because he had to heal the emotional baggage that prevented him from becoming an actual werewolf.

lydia: seer of doom, because she can see when people are going to die. that much is obvious. i debated on making her a mage because she suffers a lot from her aspect but the knowledge mage's gain through their suffering is more for their benefit, while seer's knowledge is for the benefit of others. shes also a seer because she gravitates a lot to knowledge, even outside of her banshee abilities. shes a smart girl! she loves insight! she knows a lot, and she shares that with other people. this is also why i debate on making her a light player, since light is also about attention ('spotlight' and 'bringing light to something'), knowledge and intelligence. but i think the doom aspect has way more influence on her character, since goddamn does this shit plague her. doom players are like that. their life is defined a lot by sucking real bad. and her moments of intelligence can generally be attributed to her seer-iness. so seer of doom is my final assessment, as she acts both like a seer and a doom player, and it takes into account the banshee part of her character more. mage of light secondary maybe? or maybe seer of light primary, and mage of doom secondary. could go either way.

derek: heir of rage. okay so. i dont know that much about how heirs themselves act, but their thing generally is being surrounded by their aspect. and rage represents.... any negative emotions. anger. grief. hate. suffering. as well as ugly truths. well, its safe to say derek is surrounded by that. one could say his entire life is dictated by rage. this is a little bit biased but i think heirs can be a little woe is me. because its not usually their fault that their aspect surrounds them all the damn time, that shit just gravitates to them. and like derek. yeah. he gets to have all the rage in the world, what with his whole family burning to death, and having to kill his first love, and the banshee pussy gone wrong event etcetera. and if you take it literally i also think he straight up is a rageful guy. he totally has a reason for it but yeah boy hes fucking mad and brooding and shit all the time and thats absolutely a side effect of being a rage player.

stiles: mage of heart. this one was so hard and i couldnt tell you why. i tried overthinking it a lot but in the end i just went with my gut instinct. and that tells me stiles is a heart player. hes just so full of heart! hes a funny, silly guy, with a lot of feelings bursting out of that head of his. he contrasts mind a lot with his impulsiveness and instinct and biases. hes rarely objective, hes really in his head, and he never misses an opportunity to voice his feelings. heart all the way. the other shoe of this is that hes a mage. now, if you look at this before void stiles, mage is still sort of fitting because we know that his impulsiveness as part of his adhd is making him fail in school, thereby making him suffer through heart. but heart is also about identity. and if you look at his season 3b arc... yeah. its all about losing himself to the nogitsune. literally not knowing whether hes his true self or not. and for a heart player that loss of identity, that struggle to find yourself, is suffering through heart. mage is also a knowledge class, which i think accounts for stiles detective work and penchant for sticking his nose into things.

allison: page of mind. shes a page. shes a fucking page. before i started writing this i was trying so hard to fit her in the knight box. allison dont be a page. dont be a page. youre too badass to be a page. but i cant deny it. fuck. i cant deny it. she just absolutely is one. okay. mind first. mindheart dichotomy is about being driven by logic vs being driven by emotions, among other things. and thats something thats had a really big hand in shaping allison's life. she doesnt want to be emotional, she wants to be objective. but at first she just isnt. good at that. its what shes trying to convince people she is. she pretends she isnt scared but she is, and there are cracks where her emotions show through, where you can see that she is just as weak and lost as she feels. but as the show progresses she begins to excel at mind. she uses her steady arrowhand, her level-headedness to help her friends. and thats what pages do. theyre about potential. they put on a front at first to convince people theyre good at their aspect when they really arent, but as time passes they come into their own and unlock to their full potential.

that is everyone ive done so far. if i do anyone else ill make a seperate post for it because this is already too long.

[loaffofbred]

SPOILERS FOR WTIT :

Foreshadowing of Logan's Outburst or Snap and Indications of Future Problems

After rewatching some of the Sanders Sides past episodes, it seems very clear that Logan's outburst is fairly unsurprising. But, there may be some other foreshadowing thats taking place other than his outburst, and maybe his future dilemma's maybe indicated as well.

One example i saw is his question in the musical number of the puppet episode, where Patton explains his repression of emotion, and Logan seemingly asking if it worked in some way. And almost seemingly shocked by Patton's answer.

It almost seems like he was trying to find the answer to his own problem. He's repeated before that he has NO feelings or emotions, and that he has no care of sentiments. He's in denial of his emotions and Patton's situation seem to fascinate him because he seems to have the same problem. Almost like the more he ignores his emotions, the more he believes they disappear altogether, like what Patton said. The answer seemed to shocked him either because of Patton learning and applying the lesson he learned, or because he had a similar problem and shocked by an unexpected answer. This feels like a foreshadow to Logan's problem, and this is not the only example of that. All instances of Logan denying his emotions are just further evidence that thats his problem. His acceptance of his emotions. This is me not doing too much research here, so bear with me if theres a way to debunk it.

Of course this isnt a surprise to some, but this is a foreshadow to his outburst. The further you fill this jar of emotions, the closer it is to bursting into a field of emotions and outbursts. I think maybe the future episode might tackle that problem. Denial is a form of deception, you cant have deception WITHOUT denial in some capacity. You can tell that Janus in some way knows Logan's dilemma, he is deceit after all, he knows that Logan has a tendency to deny his own emotions. Even the other sides seem to know this as well. Logan always clarifies he has no emotions and this further feeds deceit.

Janus and Remus' push comes to shove

This can also explain why Janus and Remus push Logan to a different level than all the other sides. An example of this is the newest asides video(WTIT) and both SvS and SvS redux. Why are there methods of pushing Logan away different from the other sides? Well, lets first see how the other sides do this. First, the other sides never do this intentionally or in a malicious way. They explain Logan why his point of view doesnt particularly matter, and that their argument is more feasible. They dont FORCE Logan aside, they just dont put the effort to listen and comprehend his input. Example of this is the end card of WTIT, Patton choosing to ignore Logan's input on SvS Redux, and Thomas, Patton, and Roman almost ignoring and nonchalantly putting aside his wants in the Moving On episode. They dont force Logan away, they just dont give value to his input enough for him to feel worthy.

Remus and Janus' way is through FORCE. Theyre upfront and malicious with their tactics. Remus blatantly targeting Logan specifically on the introductory episode of him. Janus disguising himself, two times, as Logan to remove him from the equation. They both force Logan down, to try and bring themselves up. I dont particularly know why theyre pushing Logan to his limits. Either an entry for the Orange side?

But this is whats weird. Janus is responsible to who or which side can be seen. Hes responsible on who is hidden away from Thomas, and who isnt. Thats why in Remus' song mentions this;

Recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge

He said "you're wanting to be more honest

And be direct dealing with your issues

No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you"

(a certain thing i suddenly realize is that the 'tree of knowledge' is referenced in WTIT. The last end shot where it pans to Logan and the roots of the tree to Janus. Just a small thing i realized :) )

So why does the orange side need 'influence'? Yes, Thomas has a say on what he wants to see and what he doesnt, but what about Remus? In a way its far more fitting for him to just barge in rather than have permission to show up. But if we were to assume Orange as rage or a form of it, why does he NEED influence (assuming he does) to truly be seen? A question that im hoping will get answered in future episodes.

Janus' power and deniability

Janus has more power than we think. He can shut the sides up about a certain side in order for Thomas to be unaware. So maybe, in the end card, Janus is hinting for the Orange Side to finally being seen because of his help. His power stems from something but what?

Have you noticed something in common with all of the dark sides introductory episodes? They all speak about DENIAL. Denial of Thomas' capacity to deceit and the denial of imagination having an 'evil form' of it. His denial is what keeps the dark sides at bay, and what keeps him from knowing about the other sides. I think thats the main reason why Janus has the power to show Thomas the other sides, because denial is a form of deceit, and Janus has power over that.

And who else has a BIG problem with deniability? Logan. Logan denies that his emotions even exist in the first place. One example of denial being a big part is this line that really stuck with me,

No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you

Janus is speaking to Remus yes, but this also resonates with Logan and Thomas. 'Deceiving yourself' is lying to yourself, denying the existence of bad within you. Remus KNOWS that Logan is lying to himself, because it seems like Remus had the same experience with how Janus told this to him specifically. He knows Logan's problems and the whole "Now youre speakin' my language" makes even more sense. He saw Logans truth. His ugliness within him.

Another line also stuck with me is this;

Why deny yourself knowledge

Say knowledge of yourself?

You don't need to feel ashamed with your dear old Duke

You need not feign decency

This also seems so targeted to Logan. He feigns that he has no emotions therefore has no flawed and hurtful emotions that can target Thomas. He feigns decency. Also! 'Why deny yourself knowledge, say knowledge of yourself?' seems to resonate with Logan as well. Im not saying these lyrics are TARGETED SPECIFICALLY towards Logan, but resonate instead.

Logan's deniability of emotions

Think about it, denial is the reason why dark sides are hidden. And Logan denies his emotions. Connect the dots and its understandable why some people believe Logan to be either hiding something about the Orange side, or him being the Orange side in general.

Few mentions

Another targeted insult (while not surprising coming from Remus) also acknowledges Logan's problem,

He knows his problems, and this is where Logan denies this entirely

Which seems like a lie to me, but nonetheless

Remus pushes the take that he has an effect on Logan

Logan also denying this entirely

Even though, that is the exact OPPOSITE of what happened to him with Remus on the latest sanders asides.

TLDR; Logans denial of his emotions is a big problem that may be addressed in future episodes. Denial is a big part of the dark sides anonymity and Thomas' deniability is the very reason for hidden dark sides.

Both Remus and Janus push Logan for either an entry way for Orange, but still skeptical because of Janus having the power to make dark sides be seen based on his control of deniability, so why put the effort?

Logan's connection to denial maybe a more reason why he seems to be the only side that explicitly shows anger to the point of physical pain towards others or other outbursts. Deniability and the dark sides having a connection seems to further push the theory of Logan showing his true colors or self. Of course that theory has many flaws in of itself, i think Logan's denial has a big part as to why he showed orange eyes

Remus affects Logan in quite different ways compared to Virgil and Patton

anyways, this has been long enough, i hope this was understandable, and as always

THIS IS ALL THEORIES,

do not take them as truth or fact, but rather speculation

anyway, peacee

[the-volume-is-astronomical]

The Crown, The Sword, and The Gay

The Tower

A/N: mi gente im just trying something out and seeing if people like it :] ive had this done for like months and months on end and i finally decided to share it so em enjoy 

First | Previous| Next

words: 2380

summary: Roman’s stomach is making it very clear that this talk wasn’t going to end well... as long as he doesn’t end up in that tower.

pairings: eventual prinxiety, eventual intrulogical, eventual moceit 

warnings: some potty language (not much), stress, anxiety, disappearance mention, flashback, crying

(let me know if theres any other)

Roman felt himself waking up, maybe because of the stupidly bright sun hitting his eyes, he didn’t know how that was possible since he remembered closing the red velvet curtains shut tight, so he didn't have this exact issue. So, when he heard some ruffling and things being moved around he wasn’t all that surprised. 

¨Rise and shine, you little brat¨ Ruth said in a very tired but demanding voice. 

¨Oh dear nurse, allow me five more minutes¨ Roman whined putting a pillow over his eyes so he could block out the rude sun.

¨Oh, flattery will get you nowhere, mister.¨ Roman could hear Ruth moving around the room, preparing breakfast no doubt. Roman took the pillow off his face and sat up, hair a wreck, and his eyes squinting because of the light coming from the window.

¨And he finally rises,¨ Ruth said sarcastically.

¨Yeah, yeah, the dashing prince has awoken.¨ Roman said half asleep. Ruth helped him sit down so he didn’t trip over anything and started serving him breakfast, she wasn’t going to wait for him to finish eating as she was already heading for the big oak doors. 

¨Wait!¨ Roman sobered up, Ruth flinched a little at the shout but turned around anyway ¨Can I do anything for you?¨ She asked.

¨ Come eat with me, you for sure haven’t eaten anything today.¨ Ruth went to argue but closed her mouth when she noticed she, in fact, had not eaten.

 She sat down in the chair in front of the royal, Roman made a few hand gestures as if to show she was open to take anything, she knew the monarch wouldn’t eat until she had settled for something so, she took a piece of bread and started eating, as did he.

After a few moments of silent eating Ruth spoke up ¨I still don't understand, after all these years you haven’t become a spoiled brat that doesn't care for his servant¨ Roman didn't even look up at her he just said ¨I guess you raised me well.¨ Ruth almost choked on her bread and looked at Roman as if he had gone insane. “Oh come on don't be so humble Ruthie!¨

She still looked at him confused and a little annoyed at the nickname but mostly surprised he would say anything of the sort, ¨Ruth, you are my nurse. You have been with me my entire life, You fed me when I was a baby for god sake! I consider you a mother, even if I have another mother in the throne room right now,” Roman shivered at the thought of having to talk to his parents after the events of the past week but continued anyway “and I sure as hell think of you as the person who raised me.¨ 

Once he had finished he immediately put a mouth full of food and kept eating as if hadn’t given that speech. Ruth still looked shocked but cleared her throat ¨Well, then I made you a sap!¨ Roman started laughing ¨How will your future spouse ever forgive me?¨ Roman burst out laughing and Ruth gave a small chuckle. 

Ruth stood up and went to Roman's closet to gather his outfit for the day, while he finished breakfast. She threw the clothes at him “Hey!¨ Roman made his trademark over dramatic gasp. She sighed “I unfortunately also gave you my dramatics…”

 “And I don’t resent you for that!” Roman screamed back with a big smile on his face. 

Ruth looked like she had something on her mind. Roman didn’t have to wait much before she said what that was, he never did. ¨Would that make you and my Remy brothers?¨ she said, actively ignoring the prince’s comments. Roman stood up going towards his shoji screen to change behind. ¨Ha! We already consider each other brothers so it wouldn’t be much of a change.¨ Ruth started making his bed “Well this is new information to me.¨ Roman giggled a bit 

¨Remy´s supposed to be back by noon, he passed a lot of territories to deliver this message so I sure hope he’s alright¨ Roman has always thought she was a worried mother even to him when he went on long trips.

Roman stepped out from behind the screen and reassured her ¨ He’s fine! He may act reckless but he's very calculating… but expect him a few hours later than what the estimated time of return” Roman slipped away looking for his shoes. ¨Oh and why is that?¨ she asked, hands on her hips, Roman gave a nervous chuckle. 

Shouldn't have let that slip.

“Roman…” Ruth said in a warning tone. Remy was going to kill him but he didn’t want to die at his nurse’s hands “Remy’s been... seeing... this person a-and when his message trip aligns with where they live… he spends some time with the person so…” Ruth looked at him as if deciding something, “As Remy’s mother, I thank you for telling me the truth..” Roman was relieved “But, as your mother, I have to say…YOU SNITCH! Snitches get stitches for a reason!” Roman laughed genuinely and Ruth joined.

After their giggle fit, they heard someone knock on the door. Ruth went to answer the door, it was a guard “His and her highness request the prince’s presence,” Ruth thanked the guard and turned around and Roman looked mortified, “Roman, you have to talk to them.” Roman had never heard Ruth speak that soft. Roman only felt dread “Ruth I don't want to go” He was genuinely petrified.

“I understand, but they are very understanding and I believe they wouldn't punish you for simply trusting the wrong person” Roman shook his head “ They’re already so protective. They always had me under knight or guard surveillance but now they might do something so I won’t be able to sneak by” Roman was panicking and Ruth noticed, she walked up to him. And took his hand “Roman they just want the best for you…” Roman took his hand away from her own “No! They are just afraid they aren’t going to have an heir after one of them ran away.” Roman's hands were in his hair and his eyes started to glaze over.

Roman was very much not over his brother's apparent “disappearance”

“I understand Remus vanishing has affected your parents over protectiveness, BUT they have always aimed to protect you but after what happened...can you really blame them for it?” Roman sighed, Ruth forced his hands out of his hair, he took a shaky breath to calm down “No, but getting hurt is part of life! So what if I trusted the wrong person? Everyone does!” He gestured to the sky as if it was the only person listening, he felt so defeated. 

“Well I can't change anything so, you should tell your parents that!” She didn’t know what to say to make things better. “I’ll try, let’s just hope they at least try to listen” he left it there and headed out of his bedroom’s oak doors, he never liked disagreeing with Ruth. 

 Roman walked down the long hallway towards the throne room but, of course, he wasn’t alone because that would be too much to ask apparently. Instead he was being escorted to see his parents by the guard that had informed him his parents required him. He already knew what they were going to talk to him about and he was dreading it.

Why did he have to make such a mistake?

Did the universe want him to not trust anyone after what happened?! If it would make the sinking feeling in his stomach leave then he would happily oblige.

The guard stopped at the throne rooms doors and Roman took a deep breath as the guard gave him side eye glance and opened the doors, “You required my presence?” Roman spoke trying to keep his voice steady and his head high, “Yes, Roman, we would actually like to talk to you about last week's event…?” He phrased it as a question a little too late. Roman’s father, King Leonardo, wasn’t an emotionally driven person and never was truly soft with anything he said, but he cared. The way he was soft spoken with Roman was just having the opposite effect that his father wanted.

Roman’s mother, Queen Victoria, was very comforting and always tried to shield her children from harm's way, but coming from a family of royals, she didn't have an example to follow but she wanted to be there for her child. “Roman, my little lion heart, I need you to keep in mind this is for your safety...ok?”  Following everything by the book, always looking and being her best, so she would be a good example even if she wasn't nurturing, all she wished was for Roman to know she loved him and Remus with her whole being, Roman just gave her a tense nod as a response. 

Roman’s Father spoke up, “Roman, you're going to be under knight supervision at all times,” That wasn't as bad as Roman expected, he basically already was! Anything but to be stuck in that damn tower “...And you have to stay in the south tower-” ...He should have knocked on wood. 

“Father, I did nothing wrong! I shouldn't be punished for this-” Romans mother spoke up, she knew both her son and husband could be hot headed. She wanted to stop anything before it got the chance to begin “Roman this isn't to punish you! We want to protect you-” The Queen sounded like she was pleading with her son.

Roman did not hear her plea or just ignored it “...For how long do I have to stay there?” Roman’s mother spoke up, “Don't worry, you'll be there maximum 2-” 

“Indefinitely.” 

The King spoke in a cold unforgiving tone, Roman knew he had messed up big time. Victoria turned to her husband “Leo, we agreed he wouldn't be there for more than 2 fortnights, we agreed on that.” The Queen seemed upset but was obviously attempting not to show such emotion. 

“Those were the rules we agreed to when he was a child and he would grant being punished” Both of Roman’s parents were staring at each other, showing they weren't going to back down.

Roman spoke, “Understood.” His voice was mostly monotone but tight, Victoria turned to him with an apologetic gaze. Roman shook his head. It was his own fault, his mother shouldn't blame herself for his actions. 

“I'll tell Ruth, so we can pack.” Roman turned to leave but his father had more to say. “Before you go, Hugo won't be your assigned knight. One of the new recruits is climbing in status and popularity very quickly and he agreed to-” “babysit” Roman cut in. “-protect you. As long as I recommended him to Queen Marie for her armada” 

As if things couldn't get any better, he had to meet this new recruit, he hoped they would at least get along. Roman just nodded and opened the door to leave. At that moment, Roman’s father called the guard that had escorted Roman to get the new recruit as soon as possible, he just left as quickly as he could. 

His parents knew that not being around people and not being able to talk were some of the worse things that could happen to him. They decided it was going to be the way to punish him. Though, he never stayed for more than a month, now he understood why. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Roman- basically power walked- back to his room, his brain tortured him with memories of his 7 year old self being forced onto the tower for the first time.

No! Please it was an accident-!

I won't do it again!

I won't- Please! 

That was all he said as his father signaled the guards to take him, his mother not being able to look, turned her head away, trying to ignore every motherly instinct in her body to stand up and comfort her child. 

The guards dragged him out of the castle- the only home he knew- and shoved him in a carriage, where Ruth was waiting for him. Ruth had always been happy around him but her expression was unreadable -looking back she seemed angry, he just hadn't seen her that way before- but, Roman didn't care. He threw himself onto Ruth and sobbed his tiny heart out, Ruth trying her best to calm him down, he eventually fell asleep. Three hours later, he was woken up by Ruth.

“Were here, principito”

Roman was scared. Ruth saw it in his eyes. 

“Come on! You offend me, you really think I would let them take you to a scary place?” 

The little royal could only muster a small “no”. Ruth took his hand and walked with him toward a tower. Roman thought it was beautiful, that's the day he figured beautiful things can hurt you. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roman never got used to it. He always dreaded the ride there, all the build up to the feeling of nothingness. When he looked up at the tower, he got the same feeling that he did when he was 7, Roman learned to not look up. He’d always prefer being in the tower when he was a kid because, back then they allowed Ruth to stay behind with him. Now she would only go in the carriage with him and leave.

After they stopped allowing Ruth to stay with him, at least he had Hugo to bother, by asking him for stories of his adventures. He didn't have that anymore.

The only adventure story he had now was a vibrant red book, in the book shelf of the tower, the only fictional book in his whole collection. He will admit, it was a very smart move on his parent’s part. They always monitored what he read, filled his whole book shelf in the tower with Philosophy, Math, and Royalty etiquette. When he begged for weeks on end for an adventure book they granted him one but, they made sure it was the only book that was fictional. They wouldn't give him an adventure book based on real events, No! That would be giving Roman too much hope. 

Good move.

[hitsuackerman]

Kisses and Distractions (Hawks x Reader) pt. 1

Prompt: How hard can it be for two Pro-Heroes to kiss?

a/n: theres not much meat to this since i had a random thirst call for this bird man XD i hope ya’ll enjoy this and if you want a part 2, drop a comment below :)

Warnings: Cursing

Link: part 2

Heroes. A vast majority of people wanted to become heroes. Each person has their own reason, whether it be for fame, money, power, or they were just deemed destined for it.

Being a hero, be it lower ranked or high ranked, almost always had to push their personal lives aside in order to put the civilians first. That’s what they were trained to do. Despite having classes on how to balance your Pro life and Personal life, it was always a struggle to balance things out.

Paparazzi on the other hand just loved to get the latest dirt on heroes. Be it tripping on the sidewalk, spilling their drinks, or even just hanging out with other fellow heroes. They needed the latest scoop. Though it is understandable that some of them need those to feed their families, some of them are just plain ass hats that love to ruin the moment.

Speaking of ruined moments, Pro-Hero #2 and an underground have their fair share of ruined moments. It all started when they finally told their feelings towards each other. Given, of course, that the situation was not the best.

“Is everyone safe?” You inquired to one of your fellow heroes. Both your hero costumes are covered in uneven mixtures of blood, dust, and sweat. “My area’s been cleared.”

“There’s still a few people left on the top floor.” The hero replied. His eyes now fixated on the building. Fires dancing their way out the window while smoke littered the air. There had been a random villain attack whose quirk was related to pyrotechnics. It was indeed flashy when random fireworks began to break through the windows.

“Take care of the injured.” Another hero commanded. “Hawks is doing his thing up there.”

Now, normally, you wouldn’t mind. That was his line of work and he did a pretty bad ass job with it. The only problem now was that he had been recently given a mission that caused him to use a lot of his feathers. It had only been a day and his wings were badly uneven. 

One by one, the people stuck on the top floor came swooping down. Red feathers carrying one person each. Landing them as gracefully as the owner does. Looking up, your heart clenched at the sight of Hawks free falling with barely any feathers left. Seeing his feathers race towards him made you let go of that breath you had been holding.

Though it wasn’t as iconic as he usually lands, he still managed to look good anyway. Going back to treating the injured, your heart finally calmed down at the sight of him skipping towards Endeavor.

“You might as well just tell him, you know…” Ryukyu whispered. The two of you were now getting your injuries checked. Well, mostly you. “What’s there to lose, right?”

“The fact that he’s #2, that’s what’s holding me back.” You sighed as the nurse finished bandaging your forearm. “Or maybe because if he doesn’t feel the same way, he might tease me about. I doubt he’d do that but I think he might.”

After the last bandage had been placed, you thanked the nurse but asked if you could keep the blanket. Amused at your little act, she agreed and you thanked her for saving you a trip from the department store.

“You do know that blanket is dirty…”

“And blankets are hella expensive compared to laundry detergent.” The small finger gun you used on Ryukyu made her disown you. Face palming as she walked away. While you, questioned your sanity and Hawks’ effect on you. This was the first time you had ever pulled out those so called finger guns.

Your thoughts were cut when an uneven cluster of feathers framed your sight. Turning around, you were now face to face with #2. Thankfully, your face was covered with bandages. Enough to cover the blush forming on your face.

“You look pretty beat up, birdy.” His eyes scanned you from top to bottom. His fingers played with the edges of the blanket. The way he stared at you sent chills down your spine and your joints to grow a little weak.

“You’re one to say.” Somehow, you poked his shoulder. “Gave me a fright when you jumped from the building.”

“Bet you liked it.”

There it was. That wink that always catches you off-guard. Your grip on the comfort blanket tightened and you had to look away. If he would flirt even more, you would probably cave in and puke out your emotions to this birdman.

“You okay, birdy?”

“Yeah.” You lied. “Just a little shaken at the amount of, uh, injured people.”

“Such a bad liar.” His head tilted to the right. Pulling his visor’s down, you were blessed with a much clearer view of his eyes. You’ve never been fond of the color yellow but he  made you think otherwise. “You can talk to me, you know that.”

‘Should I tread the waters? Fuck it.’

“I’m only a bad liar when it comes to you.” You began to trace circles on his shoulder using an index finger. Reading people wasn’t your strength but you could tell he was tense. 

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you, birdy…” Hawks warned as he took a hold of your wrist. His gloved hand easily wrapped around it. Yet, his hold was gentle. Making sure no pain was inflicted.

‘Damn it.’ Your heart sunk. This would have to be the first time he didn’t flirt back. 'At least you kept your mouth shut.’

Letting go of your wrist, Hawks examined your features. Though you were smiling, he could see how your eyes looked sad. Part of him loved that small action you did. It felt as if electricity ran through his veins. It took a lot of mental control to stop his feathers from ruffling.

Hawks knew you liked him. He was all too aware that you were keeping things bottled up. But, he was smart enough to know that should he pursue you, you being underground would garner a lot of attention. And he knew you hated attention.

“Anyway…” You continued. Looking at the people around you. “I gotta go. Ryukyu’s waiting for me.”

“Not so fast.” Before you could turn he managed to grab your shoulders. “You misunderstood something.”

“And that is?”

“You know what happens to me if you touch me like that…” Hawks leaned in and whispered. Making sure that his feathers blocked the view from outside.

‘Oh?’ Your mind went places.

“Sadly, I don’t know what happens,” This was a bit of truth though. On occasions, you would find enough courage and comb through his feathers but usually you’d be receiving a twitch of his eye. 

Hawks ran his fingers through his messy hair. A sigh to accompany it as well. When he looked into your eyes once more, your breath hitched. Maybe he already knew about your feelings. Most probably, yes at this point now.

“I know how you prefer to be lowkey.” Hawks began. “If I tell you that I reciprocate your feelings tenfold, the limelight would definitely fall on you. Making you uncomfortable is something I don’t want.”

“You like me back?”

“You may be a hero but you’re pretty blind to my attempts, (y/n).”  Hawks teased. Bringing you in for a hug. “You ready to be in the spotlight if it means being with me?”

“I don’t really mind it to be honest. I was thinking of going to a few interviews every now and then but,” You scratched your cheek. This was something you had been meaning to tell him. You just couldn’t find the right time to do it. Staring at the linings of his body suit, you exhaled and shut your eyes. “I was kinda thinking of joining your agency. I mean, not for you, but mostly because I like how everything is so fast paced. Never a dull moment at Hawks’.”

“Well if that’s the case, application granted.” He gave you the go signal along with finger guns. “You can be my literal side kick.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to talk about that though. I don’t do well with team work.”

“Pushing that aside, that would make things easier for us. I can arrange things where you won’t be caught in the center of attention.” Hawks reassured you. Leaning in closer, he brushed his nose with yours.  “That would mean I get to see you everyday.”

“Most probably, yeah.”

“God, I wanna kiss you so badly right now.” His feathers ruffled up. The way he pouted his lips as he stared at yours was too cute.

“I’m already wrapped around both your arms and wings,” You gave a shy smile. Seeing how your cheeks were flushed made him throw his resolve away. All he just needed was for your proper consent. “I don’t mind~”

Like a child, he smiled brightly. Once again, his feathers ruffled and even puffed up ever so slightly. Taking both his gloves off, he stuffed them into his jacket’s pocket and delicately cupped both your cheeks. His hands were calloused but you had always wanted them to touch your skin. Now, they finally were.

“I have to say, though.” He said as he leaned in. “We should’ve done this months ago.”

Seeing his golden eyes this close hit hard. 

“I would have to agree on that, birdy.” You leaned in as well.

The two of you shared a smile as you began to meet halfway.

“HAWKS!”

Just as your upper lips brushed each other, the two of you froze on the spot. Confusion and irritation in both your wide opened eyes. Barely a few centimeters and contact would have been made. If you two had been given a few more seconds, you would finally be able to feel his lips on yours.  He would finally taste you after how many months of deprivation.

“Cursed nuggets…” Hawks complained before letting go of your cheeks. It drove him wild when he saw the pleading look on your eyes. It yelled for him to just kiss you right there. “Don’t give me that look, baby. How dare he ruin our moment…”

Removing his wings and turning around, the two of you were now face to face with Endeavor. The #1 hero had just landed a few meters away from where you both stood. His flames danced with power as he made his way towards you.

“You realize you just ruined an important moment, Endeavor-san!” Hawks joked.

“Hawks…” You punched his shoulder. Tried, at least. He easily dodged it. Curse him and his feathers.

“Hawks. (your hero name). We have to meet with the others.” Endeavor relayed his message. Eyes focusing on Hawks then at you. “The two of you were not there for the hero count so they had to send me of all people.”

“You’re the only one who can get me workin, Endeavor-san!” The birdman replied as he skipped and flapped his uneven wings at the #1. Their relationship was always enough to make you giggle.

“Let’s go.” Endeavor commanded as he used his flames to propel himself to the air.

“I suppose you need a lift?” He teased as he offered a hand. When you accepted, he pulled you in and immediately cupped your cheek with his free hand. “Where were we?”

Smiling you leaned on to his body and wrapped your arms around his neck. Both of you breathed in and inched closer and closer.

*Ding*

“You gotta be kidding me, Chickadee…” Hawks furrowed brows.

“I’m sorry~” Taking your phone out, you read the notification only to be bummed out. Rolling your eyes, you scoffed at the news article of All Might. “Fucking notifications.”

Hawks suddenly pushed the two of you into the air. Just in time for Endeavor’s flame to hit the ground. By now, the two of you were pissed at not being able to continue a simple kiss.

Flapping his wings faster, he zoomed past Endeavor leaving a few stray feathers behind to annoy him.

So going back, how hard can it be for two Pro-Heroes to kiss?

The answer would have to be that it’s tricky. Thankfully, the two of you did not give up. As to how you two kissed, we’ll save that for another time :)

[dayasbun]

Fame - Angus Cloud (3)

Summary- a luckily timed audition leads to you falling for your new and unexpected co-star.

Warnings- okay HI welcome to my first multi chapter series woah?! this is actually so exciting for me like wow especially since angus doesn’t have any fics yet im just really really excited- so warnings! smut for sure, bad words, lotsa fluff, angst- everything in one basically. here comes a ride and I hope you enjoy :)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3 {reading now}

-

Well, needless to say you got the role.

The final run through with Drake was successful, he started spewing off about how talented you were. You did your usual which was smile and nod, and Angus told you to "Stop being so shy mamas. You gotta get used to this."

Time flew as you turned in forms, focused on moving closer to set, and grew your social media audience. It was all exciting but also overwhelming, however you already loved it.

You and Angus seemed to be getting more comfortable with each other, the tension was wearing off and a simple friendship was forming. The luxury apartment you were moving into for when filming ceased was conveniently just a few doors down from his apartment, you two were going to be in the same complex. You talked quite often and filming hadn't even started yet, and you almost felt silly for feeling intimidated, if that was even the word, by him before. He'd offered to come over to help you move in- and even though the tension had faded, your {sometimes} inappropriate thoughts of him hadn't.

But today was the day everything kicked into gear, because today was the first day of filming.

You and Angus decided to meet up at a small, locally owned coffee shop before heading to set. You could both go together, and since he offered to drive, you could save some gas.

You got there early, you two were to meet at 7:30 am, you were there at 7:25 due to leaving time to dodge the traffic. Angus came through the door yawning at 8:17- due to oversleeping.

"Do you always do this?" you laughed sliding a donut over to him as he sat down across from you in the booth.

"Do what?" he asked, eating half of the donut in one big bite.

"Are you always late- like on set? Because most of my scenes are with you and I-"

"You think ahead a lot, I just like sleeping, you should like it too you feel what I mean? Sleep is just that bitch...if there was a girl like sleep then I would have a girl."

Half of the time the things Angus came up with made zero sense to you, but you always just agreed and moved along. For example, yesterday night he called you at 12:32 am just to let you know that the Frosted Flakes box had 'of corn' in small writing under the bold logo. You said you'd never noticed that- which was the truth, and then that led to him telling you the complete history of Mandela effects. You didn't get back to bed until 1:54.

"And to be fair Y/N, you kept me up last night with that Mandela effect shit." he said with a smirk as he finished off the donut.

Your mouth fell open as you rolled your eyes "Boy as if! You wish I-"

"So you quoting 90s movies now? That's new, don't really know how I feel ab-"

"Lets go," you shook your head standing up and tossing your coffee cup into the garbage.

You two walked out and into the warm LA air. "You read the scripts at all?" He asked you as you headed to his car.

"I did! We have a lot of scenes...some are quite different."

"What you mean? Not boutta lie I didn't read anything past the first episode cuz them other shits too far away."

"Well, sex is always a given in Euphoria."

"Yeah them nude scenes finna make me feel a bit violated if you know what I mean."

"You'll be fine, all you show is your ass but I have to-"

"Oh shit I gotta show my cheeks? For real? On television- aw nah I gotta talk to somebody about tha-"

"I have to show everything except my baby maker so...who really has it worse?"

"Yo' baby maker? Is that them gorgeous eyes cuz it sure does make me want to make a baby wit' you."

Was that a joke-

He did this alot. You never knew if he was actually flirting or if it was just him joking around, but you always assumed it was the latter.

"Was that a...was that a joke from you Angus? How rare!"

He flipped you off with a goofy grin at the next red light and you laughed. "No all jokes aside though Gus, I gotta show my whole body, titties and all. Like my parents are going to watch this how do I? Explain?"

“Well we can fuck wit’ all that when we get to it.”

“Oh baby...” You said sarcastically. “You didn't actually read the first episodes script did you?”

“What you mean?”

You pulled the script from out of your tote, clearing your throat before you started to read. “Jess looks at Fez with a gleam of interest in her eyes. ‘Its been awhile tiger’ she says in a certain way, a way that makes Fez adjust his- yeah I’m not reading that- ‘It has’ Fez says biting his lip. He wants her, but he doesn't know if she wants him too...he thinks she doe-”

“We gotta have sex the first episode? Nah you lying.”

“Episode 1, 3, 5, 7 and 8.”

“Holy shit what?! Aint nobody have that much sex last season...”

“Yeah but its because of our storyline. Jess and Fez constantly want each other and they think the only way to let it out is through sex- they are both terrible with commitment and Jess is afraid of Fez’s dealing; even if she wants to be with him that's keeping her away.”

“Damn, my manz Fez gettin’ the short end of the stick.”

“Jess is the only one getting a short stick Angus.”

It took him a minute to understand what you said, but as soon as he comprehended it his eyes widened. “Girl no you didnt- you know I’m packing- how you gon’ do me like that?!” he said defensively as he parked. You couldn't help but to laugh as you hurried out of the car. “Imma get you back for that!” He yelled after you. You shook your head and walked to the main trailer where everyone was to gp.

Walking in you saw only Z and Storm, Queen Bey played softly in the background showing the girls in front of you were in their element. “Hey girl!” Z said giving you a quick side hug. “Dont worry about being late, its all good. You came with Angus didn't you?”

You nodded whilst rolling your eyes and took the key she was holding out, walking back out and to your trailer.

The trailer was cozy, comfortable and not too small. It had quite a modern look to it, and the look on the outside didn't match the inside at all. You smiled as you sat on the sofa, seeing a white envelope on the glass table. On it was scribbled ‘Angus and Y/N’. Before you could get up to go over to his trailer, he walked in- no invitation, no knock, no anything. “Gee!!!! Good thing I wasn’t naked!” You said sarcastically as you glared at him.

“Yeah whateva. We gotta read this letter together I guess.” He said plopping down beside you.

“Yeah yeah okay, I can read it out loud.” You said cracking open the envelope and pulling out the bright white printer paper. “Okay here we go...it's from...Drake?”

“Ah shit.”

“Don’t worry yet, it's probably just- let me just read.”

Angus nodded and got more comfortable on the sofa as you started to read. “Angus and Y/N. On behalf of your upcoming roles I wanted to tell you guys to loosen up. Theres alot of sexy time to film, and I don't want the viewers to feel the sexual tension from Angus and Y/N, I want them to feel it radiating from Jess and Fez. Make kissing casual, make being naked around each other casual too. Don't make that shit weird. And Angus, make sure you can get it up. If it takes...oh-” you stopped for a moment.

“What?” Angus looked at you and you cocked your head to one side still inspecting the letter.

“Okay- here, he said: If it takes walking around each other unclothed then do it, take care of that tension between you two. I could feel it in the final run through, meaning that the viewers would be able to sense it as well. I'm only saying all this cuz its your first time filming together. I need art, not high school production shit. You guys have the passion, and you click. But there's something missing. Make the fuck out and get this show on the road. I'm always a call away if its not working out-- Drake.”

“Well damn. What he tryna say?”

“Angus it's clear what he's saying- I mean come on I feel the tension between us too, and I don't know what it is but hes right, whatever it is we need to get over it, and move on from that. This is business- an art form we have to work through. Ight?”

“Ight. So what I’m hearing is we gotta make out and get naked.”

“We aren't doing anything until ya girl takes a nap.”

“How you sleepy we just got here and you woke up 3 hours ago?”

“Listen man it is not my fault I only got 4 and a half hours of sleep-”

“SO you tryna say it’s mine?!” “It is! With your mandela effecr loving ass.”

He chuckled under his breath. “Okay okay, fair. But lemme sleep wit’ you.” “What? Why?”

“You the one that read the letter, we gotta drop this tension lil mama. And if we legit just sleeping, ion see nun wrong wit’ it, do you?”

You thought it over, and he had a point. There was nothing wrong with it, sleeping is sleeping...and besides, you two would have to do much worse.

“Whatever, come on.”

“Let’s go to my trailer though.”

“What? Why? Ion wanna walk come on Angu-”

“I can carry you then. But my place more homey, you just got here and your bed ain’t even got sheets.”

Damn, why is he always right? “Okay fine but carry me.”

He hunched down in front of the sofa “Get on my back and we can go.”

You grabbed your phone getting onto his back and holding on tight, your arms around his neck and your thighs squishing his sides. “Go go go!” You giggled, feeling safe as you rested your chin on the top of his head.

He ran to the trailer, causing you to laugh and hold on even tighter. Dropping you onto the bed, he looked around the small trailer-bedroom for more covers.

“You know girl,” he said looking into the closet “You kinda cute. How you was laughing out there had my heart beating fast and shit.” He found a throw and turned back around to ask you if it was good, but you were already out, completely sound asleep, and cuddled into a pillow. “Damn so you ain't hear none o’ that huh?” He sighed. “Probably better on my end. Can’t be catching feelings and shit.” He covered you over and lay beside you.

In your sleep your body detected the body heat, so you unknowingly turned over, cuddling into his chest. A smile formed on your lips as you moved closer, practically wrapping yourself around him.

The man sighed placing his lips to your forehead and leaving a light kiss. “Yeah. No catching feelings.”

-

taglist:

@nikkixostan @melaninmarvel @celiajrs @siriuslycollins

[sikereviewdotcom]

undercover brother (2002) review

sup been a while but didnt forget about yall and your eager butts to dive head first right in the flooding words coming out of my mouth today gonna rev "undercover brother" (2002), its gonna be solid guys

so we start with an introduction where we talk about how black culture was losing its flavour after the 70s, progress was slowed down n all as we reached 2000 but dont be fooled, its all cause of a buncha events orchastred by "the man"... a big racist mf ig whos also the kkk equivalent of the team rocket boss, sitting in a ig chair, never see his face in the flashbacks or like the bad guy in inspector gadget, more like him ig since we actually see the team R boss face quite often nonetheless, theres a form of mystery folding this whole business... THE MAN acts in the shadows and he hates to see how dark those are, he wants things to be like it used to be back in slavery times good oltime for him but.. not for the fam

ofc then here is introduced THE REAL MAN OF MEN => undercover brother, our hero and damn he has the style of a whole pack of elephants trampling around in pink disco suits every ladies wanna a piece of that sweet fro he is packing up on his head, funky

ngl, the whole way this mov is filmed n edited is sike asf, dope guys especially considerin its actually made in 2002, loving it anyway then were also introduced to the other secondary protags who are from an organisation here to stop The Mans evil doings and careful: undercover bro was actually a solo act until now cause now they gonna collaborate all throughout da mov: its the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D, with conspiracy brother (tbh a fav here, guys wack like the whole plot guy thinks computer comes from a story involving peanut and idk guys he keeps rambling bout bs which makes him a+ character) smart brother, chief and sister girl (original name/10)

so btw the organization is on a mission rn at the beginning to destroy The Man (lets call him tm for the rest of this rev) financial infrastructure aka funds to stop him better or smthg and it gets spicy as they get caught but ofc undercover bro barges in from nowhere wow big disguise as an old man no one noticed him so like slash bawow boom vlam, bad guys ko and he squeedaddle out of there like twas breeze gg man, he also get fed a nice editing of xrays battle like with a side of kungfu n whatnot, undercover bro knows his stuff

nice sounds effects ah yes btw romantic intrigue with sister girl begins here, its the zinc of the flinch as ub (undercover brother) notices her big wink wink nudge nudge, btw later she is asked to go enlist him in the corps so he can help stop the man with them n shit and he trynna get her in his bed cause thats we this brother is used to, getting laid as soon as he meets a chick, who can resist this dude?

he gots moves, fro, style, skills and also at times he is a pussy but k, not everyones perf sometimes you just simp for a white blond blue eyed woman (spoiler) and crawls on all four looking like a big preppy nerd btw in this review im trynna not spoil the whole plot cause guys, this movie gotta be on yo watch list kay? im not here to ruin this experience in yo life itd be pretty uncool of me so im just gonna state the big lines then its up to you to swoop the tiny ones out of the watch, knot your own breds n stuff

back on the whooper slapping: intro credits roll, we get some nice back story for our hero, making sure we can understand his cause in saving the black peeps from TMs assholery might truth n justice be your guide

so what the big plot then? well yknow how a big antag cant do shit on his own cause hes too busy sticking brooms up his ass in his private quarters? yea well same goes here so there this gay guy who will be twerking later on btw, a scene to behold, rumps to ogle at, so hes a bad guy and gay n gonna do most of the dirty work for TM, whats new? idk what to think of it yknow its a stereotype in movs so ig ok still uncool but ill see it as all in good spirit cause theres bad n good im not excepting this to be the best watch of my life, nah it wasnt either, but i had a good laugh kay? makes up for it cause unlike some here i got no shit up my ass alley its clean scrubbed up n down so i can smoothly take a chillax up n a shit out without a night tormented by constipation, nah its all sliding where it should no pain no sweat

so the big lines is that a war hero whos a black man is gonna become president and wtf no is the only react racist mf could have which is what they have, bad guys gonna stop it from happening at once and the brotherhood aint letting it happens cause obvs something is wrong as every black peeps gonna turn into a stereotype like waddup in this mad world? its all because of the poisonous fried chicken brand TM will get around ty to another poison to make our war hero delusional n so on were also introduced to white evil she-ra later btw, just dropping this in cause undercover brother really wants to make oreos with her n sister girl (his words) ig shes the second love interest, im not too invested in this romantic intrigue it was just necessary not like twas very developped anyway its even more of a bedroom intrigue when it comes the the white blue eyed blond chick, sister girl before hoes yo

whats it in conclusion about this movie? first, the plot: hilarious biznasty worthy a+ bs especially how its turned yknow, the clichés were turned upside down n if not theyre just turned into a big satire of themselves editing + music ? yknow its actually good, and funky asf im digging it, a travel in time nostalgia of times i lived acting is pretty neat its not an ironically good movie cause its hilariously ridiculous in the making way its all about the plot here, plot twists and characters, the whole universe ig like its superior to big mamma sorta plot or maybe im dropping this comparison cause its been a while since i saw big maam, for sure twas under estimated while over brought when this here? it got freshness packed in

the spoiling was light and this is cause this movie got a 69/10 rating jk 8/10 if were gonna be serious, im gonna list wats unwoke n uncool here: 1 gay villain stereot, gotta be honest here its not that big of a deal tme seeing when it was made and how i still laughed yknow idc this much but some could go apeshit over it 2 not enough conspiracy brother content: this is all i ask for 3 had no snacks while watching the movie, too bad id dig a aj or grape soda right about now n then 4 more lines for car wash chicks jk this last one idc about, but car wash representation is lacking once again in american movies, i cant believe how looked over it is, as if they didnt need smore rep in the medias its not an easy job washing car all day long, standin in those ghost buster lookin suit while staring at the hot guys in hot wheelys, whos gonna pay you a drink when youre just an old carwash lady? thought finally a hero would step up in this movie but there it goes thrown out da window, the potential was real until it got blown away sure sister girl was a solid character but give the washers some credits cut them a slack of free time n have a lil date together there on top of a truck to keep it native

nonetheless this is a top rec for anyone who feels like slipping into some conspiracy slippers

tg, out

[queenangst]

advice for high school??

advice for high school:

put yourself out there. i know high school is big and scary, but it's new. you're going to know people who you've seen all your life and people who you have never met before, probably. don't be afraid. sit next to someone new in chemistry and... bond. ask to squeeze in a lunch spot. smile at your teachers, say hello. join clubs. it's 2-4 years of your life, so find your people.

stop thinking about the numbers. this is one of the hardest things when you're surrounded by a pressured environment from all sides - teachers, students, parents. but let me tell you that you have to learn when to care and when to not. which times to fight and which times to let go. you might get your first 35 on a test. you might be ranked far behind your other classmates. not every homework has to be done well, just done at all. not every grade has to be an A, because in the end higher academic institutions care less than you think and not every "bad" grade is the end of the world. and if you don't do so hot on something, feel a little bad and then keep going. no use in dwelling, just do better next time. (sometimes just give up. don't do an assignment. take the 0. sometimes you need the time, or the break, and it's not worth doing.)

freedom. high school is the first taste of bigger opportunities in learning. choose classes you might have an interest in over what will boost your gpa or whatever. take art, take music, something creative, even if you are a stem student through and through, you don't have to do well but this will enrich your life and give your brain something different that isn't numbers or grammar or whatever. and creativity fosters community.

communicate with your teachers. some teachers accept nothing late ever period. some teachers procrastinate. actually a lot of teachers procrastinate they're really just like you. whatever the case talk to them. if you're having trouble understanding high school teachers often have some form of out of class tutoring/tutorials before, after, and even during school (such as at lunch). if you are sick, if you want them to look over a paper, if you need an extra day to finish your project and make it good, talk to your teachers. they want you to succeed. they cannot always be lenient for personal or academic reasons, but they will understand. and them knowing is better than them not.

get sleep. i mean it. 6 hours at least. 7 is good. 8+ is best. if you can't, at least sleep for some amount of time even if it's 30 minutes. if you can't sleep, still lie down for a bit in the dark and let your body rest even if your mind won't shut off. you will thank yourself in the morning.

do your damn homework. just do it. there's a lot, some of it is useless, but a lot of it is not. homework is meant to help you retain the info that you learned in class, or even learn more info that you will not cover in class.

on top of #6, read the textbook and listen in class. sometimes it's boring. just do it. you don't have to take notes but they definitely help, and notes never have to be pretty they just have to be legible to you. it can be bullet points. it can be diagrams. it can be a treasure map of weird associations. draw angry faces next to notes about dead historical figures. whatever works for you.

teachers are resources. ask if you can record lectures. see if they have a google classroom or someplace online where they post notes and powerpoints. ask for websites and further reading. ask for HELP.

study a lot, have fun a lot. i know every day is limited and you're going to be tired all the time. i know. i was there. ib was working us to the bone from the moment we went in to the very last exam. but on the weekends and after school, every now and then do something with your friends that isn't going through your math homework together. see a movie. get coffee, or boba, or tea, or whatever the hell y'all drink these days. go to a museum. find free activities. swim. talk to your friends outside of an academic environment and you will be closer and dearer. and you will not regret it.

you're allowed to disagree with your authority figures. so parents/guardians/teachers. don't overstep your boundaries but as you learn and grow there will be times that they are wrong and you are right. in many different situations... but most especially about you yourself, a person.

reach out. talk to someone when you're hurt. theres going to be a lot of new experiences in high school and some of them will be bad. please talk to your friends. your parents if you can. talk to a teacher you trust. sometimes school counselors suck but part of the job, regardless of if they are doing well or not, is listening to you, and it's meant to be confidential. and if you're worried about someone else for gods sake talk to an adult.

you are still a kid. please don't stress too much about matters that are bigger than you and things that are too much for you to control. you are almost an adult but you are not, you are grown up but you are not. do kid things. you don't need to be super strong, or super mature, or act ten years older than you are. you don't need to prove anything.

pursue your interests, and good things will follow. i mean this in every sense. your health. your mind. your attitude. your college applications. (seriously, everyone has done the volunteer hours and everyone has the grades and everyone has what you have. show that you're human.)

be awkward. be weird. there are so many different kinds of people but someone will be like you, and someone will like you. be happy, and others will see it.

don't put your burdens unnecessarily on other people. or yourself. here's the truth: if all you talk about is how bad you are, how you aren't getting anywhere in life, how the numbers aren't good enough, then no one will stick around for long. you will surround yourself in something bad that people don't want to be around. like mentioned, talk to someone. friends are the most comfortable but not always the most appropriate. im not saying to keep your thoughts to yourself, but adults > other emotional, struggling, hormonal teenagers in terms of being equipped to handle tough situations. people want to help! but when all you talk about is yourself and your trouble, and not listen to other people, talk about things that make you happy... you're going to lose something.

college is a big deal but also not. please don't worry about it until junior and senior year.

failure is inevitable. take it.

surround yourself with people who are better than you, and who you like, and who like you. surround yourself with people who you aspire to be similar to. you will do better and you will want to do better.

keep organized. good god. please do not be like that one guy in my math class. one day my classmate and i got so fed up we cleaned out his backpack for him and shoved things into folders and begged him to stay organized. folders. binders. accordian folders. just use something im pleading you. it's going to be 2 minutes before class and you realize you can't find your homework or turn in a wrinkled, stained paper. also keep some sort of schedule and task list or else you will be that guy that goes "wait we have a TEST today?"

halo effect. first impressions are important, even if you can overcome bad ones. show up on time. sit in the front even though it's scary, because midyear you'll realize you have been doing badly because you sat in the back and can't see or hear over the two girls who gossip in front of you. smile. say hello. ask questions. raise your hand. you can be wrong. you can be wrong. you can ask stupid questions.

ask your teachers if you can eat in class. my 4th period teacher (after lunch) was fine with us eating, so id take lunch to study sometimes and eat then. i always ate breakfast during 1st period bc when i got up it was too early for my body to take more than a little. most teachers are okay as long as the smell isn't strong and lasting, and you clean up. have a snack so you don't crash. don't forget to eat either. please eat lunch, and some teachers will give you snacks if you ask, and if you don't have money please just... ask someone for a share or to borrow some cash. it's okay. you need to eat.

there is so much more. school might be all you know. but stop and enjoy life. if you worry about college you're going to spend 4 years looking forward and not enough at the present, and you're going to lose your precious time. there is so much more.

you're going to change. a lot. you will be a completely different person. that's normal. you're gonna be a little embarrassed. like the person you become, and become a person you like. make good choices. be kind. have heart.

enjoy high school, kid. good luck!!! it was honestly a rewarding and wonderful time, and that was in part bc i made it so.

[dantus-rattus]

Have been thinking about second citadel and specifically the most recent ep so here are some Thoughts about damien and what happened there:

we're all screaming 'oh fuck damien what are you doing' because from the outside we have so much more context, for example we know the entire thing that happened with rilla and what happened and was said in the court etc so we sympathize a lot with arum and rilla and whats been going on with that particularly part of the story. 

but from damiens POV?? 

sidenote: i saw a post about how damiens anxiety would increase his need of structure and a security in what he knows and how he understands the world (which boy do i relate to that tbh) and that would explain and factor in quite a lot as well.

- like this man literally met a lizard monster, his enemy by nature, the world and everything he holds as truth right.

- then he gets confusing feelings which are obvious to us, but inconvenient at best for damien and i imagine some level of terrifying especially considering hes in love with rilla, a human, genuinely so but also safe and not challenging his beliefs and truths. 

- after that he deals with arguably the love of his life (not trying to discount his feelings for arum but i hope you get what i mean when i say he was very devoted to rilla regardless of what happens with arum) disappearing with no clue about her safety etc, then finding out it was by that same lizard that made everything so complicated in the first place.

- then the whole deal with sir marc and talfryn and SPORTS, all the while still not knowing what we meanwhile found out as we follow rilla's story and eventually how that evolves up until the court events.

- and then damiens entire belief in the world, how it works and how it came to be changes, a person he believed in is now a monster instead of a hero and the tapestry is wrong (a thing he mentions multiple times and gets erratic and anxious about). 

like thats a lot to fucking deal with holy shit, also nevermind adding the general casual life threatening danger and stress along the way of just doing all that.

- he then gets there and sees arum, who he still has feelings for im sure because of how he describes feeling when he looks into his eyes, and also rilla, who as far as he knows was kidnapped by arum and who he came to save from arum.

i actually understand that he kinda lost it in that moment and his brain decided enough was enough, and as for his decision to attack arum??

its only my possible interpretation but to me it can be seen as, it started when arum first showed up (from damiens specific POV) so no wonder his brain in all this chaos might think 'thats the cause, thats where it all went wrong and i will make my world right again by killing him and being sure of who i am.'

especially with the added pressure of all the possible changes to what he thought was the truth about the world and how it works, he could be very desperate for any kind of security in his knowledge and life and do extreme things to stick with the safe truth, aka knight vs monster.

like of course i dont want damien to attack and kill arum and i dont think it’ll happen but god, thinking about it it does make sense why it happened like holy shit this man went through a lot with no justification/context like we know as listeners, and to us its a story but thats his entire life thats being changed right there.

sidenote, i dont mean to say the others havent gone through a lot but this is meant specifically about damiens motivations for his actions since that is what this post is about. 

like its not unfounded or unreasonable, thats a very human reaction to a lot of anxiety and stress which is at the very least a side effect of all this.

i mean i know danger is a part of life, especially in this universe filled with monsters etc. but fuck rilla got kidnapped like holy shit? i think because its a fantasy world and theres monsters we (not to assume but i def do this) might forget how we would react if a loved one, int this case damien with the anxiety/devotion to rilla levels, got kidnapped by one of those monsters.

like i dont mean to make light of IRL happenings by comparing but consider the fact that all monsters are assumed to be dangerous killers, lets be real if rn irl a loved one were to be kidnapped by what we know to be a dangerous viscious killer we would all lose our shit.  i know a lot of horrible and dangerous things happen in the second citadel universe (again, i dont mean to say damien somehow has it worse) but that doesnt make any of it (including rillas kidnapping) any less bad.

and then you find out thats the one youve been having confusing feelings for, and also the killer is not what you thought it was to be, and its place in the world and by association yours is now also suddenly unsure.

and then you meet that assumed vicious murderer and also your loved one is right there like fuck dude.

i can only guess of course but i also wouldnt be suprised if that was how damien would perceive the whole thing and yknow what i think his reaction is understandable. i want arum to be okay but having an emotional unreasonable reaction (and tbh considering damiens POV it would be reasonable, because he doesnt know what we know) to such a huge deal is not unexpected or out of character to me.

i also just realized like, damien and arum obvs had a few moments during their duels to the death, but a LOT of characterization of arum for me personally took place during rillas time there and also a bit in the court house, aka damien missed all of that. so i wouldnt be suprised if that despite damiens realization of 'monsters could be different' he doesnt have the level of....familiarity?? with arum as a person that rilla has.  so no wonder he would still default to the 'monsters are horrible killers and should be destroyed' like i dont think he has a solid idea of monsters being possibly good, just the sense that hes had since the beginning because of arums eyes but it makes sense to me that in this moment after all that happened his brain would override it with 'no the world needs to stay as it is, and he is a monster and you are a knight.'

anyway all of this is speculation and personal interpretation so i could be completely wrong but take these thoughts because it was interesting to think about.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it���s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[lavellane]

DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS

tagged by: @nordxz​ thanks so much !!! *heart emoji* 

favourite game of the series?

origins! although inquisition is very close as well.  inquisition was my favourite for a very time, but like midway through last year i replayed origins and it just felt.....so good. i really struggled with enjoying dao because of the clunky fighting system but an amazing mutual introduced me to a mod that lets u skip fights basically lol, so i was just able to focus on the story/characters/exploration of the game, which just....made me realize how immensely beautiful the game actually is, and i fell in love all over again aaaaa

how did you discover dragon age?

i was a huge mass effect fan ! mass effect was the game that motivated me to make this blog, actually, and obviously through following people i saw a lot of posts from the da community as well. so i bought origins and inquisition (i had NO idea there was a da2 until half way through awakening lmao) and tried to play origins but HATED it gtrhutgrhugtr and then eventually gave it another try like a month later and completely loved it and now here we are

how many times you’ve played the games?

not as many times as some people on here have - i would say origins maybe four times, da2 maybe twice, inquisition three times. but that also doesnt count all the timesw ive created new games and then abandoned them lol bc theres too many to count 

favourite race to play as?

love me some elf booty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favourite class?

at first it was rogue dual wielder ! i played as a rogue in every single first-time playthrough and idk i felt that class has always been the easiest/most op. but in the last maybe 2 years it’s changed to mage. ive always been super intimidated by magic classes in every game i play but i LOVE inquisition’s mage classes/specializations and i can never go back now

do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

im so so so bad and i usually end up making very similar choices, but usually bc i just......replay the same characters every time hgtuhgtruhgtrui. i REALLY need to make more da ocs to explore more choices but....i dont want to lol i already have to many. i still havent sided with the templars in a playthrough like i just cant do it 

go-to adventuring group?

i always bring my characters love interest with them no matter what, just bc its cute, but usually i try to evenly cycle the other characters around that. i always try to have a warrior/rogue/mage in every party. but sometimes i’ll go warrior/warrior/mage/mage especially if i need to focus on straight damage and a LOT of healing lol

my favourite parties would probably be:

dao - alistair + zevran + wynne (wholesome and also funny)

da2 - anders + fenris + merrill (SO much chaotic energy)

dai - solas + cassandra + cole (i just love them ok)

which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

ashara lavellan, my canon inquisitor who was never supposed to be canon tghtgurhtrg. my original canon inq was a trevelyan rogue, who was super nice and good. i made ashara so that i could actually play as an evil/mean character without feeling bad lol, oh and i also wanted to see what the deal with solas was bc i had heard his romance was good ;;;;) anyway that backfired and i ended up completely falling in love with her, and i STILL couldnt make the tough choices with her so i was like ok maybe she isnt THAT evil and now shes just..... the way she is now i guess lmao

favourite romance?

trhhtruih okay u guys KNOW its solas. u know. i dont even have to say anythiing about it bc...u fucking know

(alistair’s is very close tho)

have you read any of the comics/books?

i havent :(((( im such a bad fan but i cannot deal with ordering online and thats the only place ive been able to find them. im planning on reading asunder and the masked empire as soon as i get the chance (and the money) tho !!

if you read them, which was your favourite book?

nope

favourite DLCs?

trespasser ! its pretty simple and very plot-driven like u didnt have to worry about side missions as much as u would with other dlcs so idk that was... refreshing. but obviously i loved it just bc it was so beautiful and intense and sad (since my chara romanced solas obviously) and that music score????? unbelievable i’ll never be over it

things that annoy you.

can i say the fandom trghuitgrhutrhui

mostly the thing that pisses me off the most is the grey morality. writers trying to make everything deep and Thought Provoking like..... no jerry, slavery IS bad theres no alternative viewpoint lol??????? also the fucking whitewashing makes me see red. 

orlais or ferelden?

ferelden!!!!! (*blows a kiss* for highever)

templars or mages?

mages <3 

if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

i only have like 3 protag da characters and they’re all canon, although emeraude is an au. so ella is my canon warden and ashara is my canon inquisitor, but emeraude does exist in that universe, bc i hc she befriended the warden and alistair when they visited the alienage, and she was very outspokenly angry and didn’t really give a shit that alistair was going to be heir. which alistair really,,, appreciated i guess? so emeraude is made his official elven adviser after his coronation but she also kinda helps out as a royal protector because she’s one of the only people in court they both trust completely lol. also she is....stronk. 

and the only other characters i have for da are obviously side characters who are related to my canon protags so. they’re all canon as well lol

what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

ella named her dog ser bark gthutgrhutghruihtr she thought it was cute ok

emeraude just went with barkspawn since alistair came up with the idea as a joke but she thought the joke was so bad she made them keep it as punishment vjhuightui

i dont really have a hawke oc but.....he named his dog shepard in my playthrough ! like from mass effect ;;;;)))

have you installed any mods?

origins is modded to hell and back and i genuinely couldn’t play the game without mods at this point. inquisition is slightly modded but im in the process of removing them all, and only keeping a few because my game runs pretty terribly with them installed 

did your warden want to become a grey warden?

ella did ! but it was kind of,, a naive childhood dream, she had a really romanticized view of the wardens and she wanted a life of excitement and bravery and adventure, not really taking into consider all the bad things about it (and obviously not knowing the full truth about what it means to be a warden)

emeraude did NOT want to be a warden. she basically had to be dragged out of the alienage because she wanted to stay and protect her community. she never really enjoyed being a warden, although her friendship with alistair was its one redeeming quality 

hawke’s personality?

uh i cant remember the colour/personality thing but he was a combo of funny/ethical. mostly there for memes tho. 

did you make matching armor for your companions in inquisition?

for origins i do ! i always make sure alistair and ella wear the grey warden armour, as well as every warden in awakening. thats like, all theyre allowed to wear lmao.

if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

ella would obviously change her family’s murder lol, and emeraude would at least try and change what happened at her wedding, to prevent shianni and the others from being hurt. 

ashara would change romancing solas :((( she was so angry at herself after discovering who he was, and she felt weak and foolish which she HATES more than any other feeling, so she definitely wishes she had never met him for a long time. after she kind of processes it though, and learns to deal with her anger, her answer would be that she wishes she had saved the chargers. it’s the one move she made that actually keeps her up at night sometimes. 

do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

ghuitrhuigtrhugtr so many. canon? dont know her. 

the biggest example would be that i hc king!alistair was at the winter palace during the wicked hearts level. because uh..... celene and the fereldan monarchs had been corrosponding for over 10 years, trying to build up rapport, of COURSE the king would be there to see who the potential ruler/s of orlais would be and whether or not he ought to be worried. like. im sorry but alistair was there lol you can’t change my mind. i also hc he helps ashara with information about the grey wardens during this chapter, because ???? it just makes sense??? im so angry i wish this was canon

are any of your characters based on someone?

ok it was unintentional but ashara reminds me of an english teacher i had in highschool who was very scary but also....really cool and i loved her. it was an accident but,, still counts. 

who did you leave in the fade?

gtiturghtugh okay at the risk of pissing off EVERYBODY who reads this, i left hawke in the fade, even though it was a toss up between hawke and stroud. it was ashara’s fault tho !!! she would have 100% prioritzed an alliance with the grey wardens over like,, some guy. it broke my heart but yeah That happened. 

favourite mount?

i like all the elk mounts mostly ! but i never use them bc they sound ugly af

tagging : @trvelyans​ @f3nharel​ @allisondraste​ @ensevens​ @tethraas​ @talizorah​ @fereldun​ if u are up to it <3 and whoever else wants to do this ! 

[thecelibateshoewhore]

Dating in the Church (Part 1)

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you” (Matthew 6:33 NKJV).

 “You have been raised to life with Christ. Now set your heart on what is in heaven, where Christ rules at God’s right side. Think about what is up there, not about what is here on earth. You died, which means that your life is hidden with Christ, who sits beside God. Christ gives meaning to your life, and when He appears, you will also appear with Him in glory” (Colossians 3:1-4 CEV).

Happy Valentine’s Day to all those who’re celebrating! If you’re familiar with my writing, you know that I don’t take the typical approach — basically, the worldly viewpoint — regarding love, dating and celibacy because I’m committed to using my spiritual gift to serve God and His people. That said, be sure to read my previous posts about love and dating if you haven’t already: On Marrying the Wrong Person and On Love, Loyalty & Less Than God’s Best.

This series was inspired by a retweet that came across my timeline, which attempted to address why dating in the church is difficult. First, understand that there’s no biblical position on dating — at least not in the formal sense. There’s no particular scripture or passage that addresses how single believers should date. However, there are godly principles in scripture that can be applied to dating. It’s natural to want companionship, but many believers overlook the necessity and blessing of being single. This is the time to give God your undivided attention and allow Him to mature you in your faith and in your spiritual gifts. Y’all know I’m longwinded — I could write a book on this subject (in fact, I am)! Pull out your Bibles, as I’m going to assume that you’re familiar with the scriptures referenced. The first point listed was:

“We keep promoting this misnomer that marriage is more spiritual than natural.”

 Uh, since when?

 My first thought reading this was, why would any church, which is a spiritual institution, ever downplay the spiritual aspect of marriage? To do so would imply that God isn’t needed for or within a marriage, which is essentially a carnal standpoint. And perhaps that is the problem. Taking on this “natural” approach has led to many believers choosing the wrong spouse or getting married to simply appease their physical (as in sexual) and/or financial needs. God also never intended for us to desire marriage more than we desire Him.

I’m not negating the natural component of marriage. I’m negating that a church should promote marriage as more natural than spiritual, and counsel believers under this notion. To do so isn’t biblically sound. In fact, it’s counterintuitive to the ministry of marriage. (Yes, marriage is a ministry and I’ll explain why later on). Due to the laws that now govern our society, marriage has become a business transaction because Uncle Sam wants his cut in the same manner as if we were to start a business or purchase real estate. That is why when a government institution performs a “marriage ceremony” in accordance with the laws of its jurisdiction, it is known as a civil marriage or a civil union. Many secular marriage proponents believe that it’s not a spiritual or religious institution at all. For them, marriage should be attainable by any person(s) who wish to apply for a marriage license regardless of spiritual affiliation and compatibility.

 For this reason, it’s important to note that there’s marriage and then there’s marriage God’s way. If your desire is for a godly spouse or marriage, then you must understand and adhere to God’s principles regardless of what society is doing. A church that promotes marriage as a natural institution is promoting idolatry. Why? Christ is removed as the center or focal point and replaced with worldly rules and expectations. As Christians, our relationship with the Creator is the crux of our faith and should govern everything that we do, including how we date and who we marry. For believers, it doesn’t make sense that our spiritual component is the core of our lives (and human experience), but not the basis of how we learn marriage inside of the church. I’m not saying that unbelievers shouldn’t marry because it’s a vital aspect of human society. I’m also not saying that only Christian marriages are successful. I’m saying that as believers, we can’t fully experience marriage the way God intended unless He is the foundation and inspiration on which it stands. If we start to condone or accept the world’s ways, which contradict God’s truth, then we risk applying a distorted standard to how God wants us to live.

Furthermore, Colossians 3:1-4 reminds us that the basis of our faith is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It connects us to Christ as our foundation by guiding us with a basic ethical response to living in modern times. Set your mind on Christ! We are living in times where people profess faith in God, yet promote ideologies that are against His word. God is not the one confused. His word was, is and will always be true. Any church that proclaims to be the body of Christ should know not to conform to the expectations of society. God doesn’t lower Himself to meet the desires of man. Instead, we rise up to the standard that Christ set for us. When people state that churches aren’t effective because they’re “out of touch,” the solution isn’t to water down the message so that it’s easier for the masses to swallow it. The solution is to cultivate an environment that promotes real discipleship, healing and deliverance that is also built on sound truth! We don’t have a dating problem in the church, we have a discipleship problem. (Tweet This!) Before the church can minister to your dating needs and grow you into somebody’s spouse, you first need to master being a disciple of Jesus Christ.

 Before we can address dating in the church or “godly dating,” we must first understand why we’re dating in the first place. That is, what is the end goal? For most, marriage is the end goal. That is why it’s important to understand God’s purpose for marriage. For starters, God established the blueprint for marriage as a {spiritual} covenant (contract or agreement) between God, man and woman in Genesis 2:24. There were no courthouses or marriage licenses in the Garden of Eden. In fact, Genesis 2 outlines God’s design for marriage, as well as the governing principles that we should apply to it:

(1) God designed marriage as a covenant. Like most things, in order to understand how something works, the best source to ask is the One who created it! The foundation of a godly marriage involves daily communication with God. If praying and reading scripture isn’t a part of your daily life during the dating phase, chances are you will have cracks in your spiritual foundation that will impact your marriage. (2) God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship. Eve was created as a companion or “helper” because after naming all the animals, Adam wondered why there was no suitable companion for him (Genesis 2:18-20). Also note that God first gave Adam a purpose and a responsibility, and then gave him a wife to support his needs. In. That. Order. (3) God designed marriage as a depiction of our relationship with Him. Simply put, marriage is a ministry. Although He is pleased with sexual harmony between a husband and wife, that’s not why God designed marriage; He created it as a testimony for Him. If you’ve never witnessed a godly marriage, this might be hard for you to comprehend. Witnessing a union between a husband and wife who’re under the submission of Christ is the epitome of what it means to know God and know Him intimately. God created us for purposes that are larger than ourselves to serve Him and His people. In the same manner, He created marriage to illustrate the spiritual relationship between Christ (the bridegroom) and the church (His bride). Just as a husband and wife join as one flesh, we also join as one spirit with the Lord (1 Corinthians 6:18). Just as the church yields to the authority of Christ, the wife yields to the authority of the husband who’s also submitted to Christ. And a husband is to love his wife in the same manner that Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5: 21-25). Finally, just as a husband and wife produce offspring, believers are called to go out, multiply disciples and bring people back into the body of Christ as joint heirs.

 For believers who’re married, it becomes the primary, permanent, exclusive and intimate relationship between the two people who took those vows. No person or thing comes before either spouse (Matthew 19:6). It takes a lifetime to understand this level of commitment, which is why marriage isn’t required for everyone (1 Corinthians 7:7-9). Marriage isn’t a requirement for heaven or salvation. But, for those who choose marriage, choose to pursue it God’s way.

 If you’re a believer who’s not ready for marriage, you might be “casually dating” (not to be confused with fornicating). Casual dating is defined as any relationship where a couple is not exclusively dating each other. It doesn’t mean having sex or one-night stands. Even without sex, however, this kind of situation can bring unnecessary complications. My opinion is that casual dating isn’t inherently a bad thing if both parties clearly define their expectations and maintain boundaries, but I believe it increases the likelihood of misunderstandings and disappointment because as people evolve spiritually and emotionally, what they desire in a mate often changes. Sometimes this occurs at the other person’s expense.

 I purposely didn’t cover sex in great detail because I plan to address it later in this series. If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment below, and let me know that you’re ready for part 2.

 “Don’t change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but let God change you inside with a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to understand and accept what God wants for you. You will be able to know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect” (Romans 12:2 ERV).

 I love you.

 xo,

thecelibateshoewhore

[frankincenseisnotamonster]

The Villain

Deets:

Today is the day we get revenge. 

I wish I could say I was completely and without question the hero of my story. Perhaps I can be in some ways, BUT I wouldn’t be telling the full truth if I said I was the good guy in this story.

I have been thinking a lot lately about evil. With all of the actions taken by the  US government recently to vehemently and ruthlessly vie for profits over treating people humanely (i.e ICE tracking and ensnaring people, stealing children and throwing immigrants in detention centers, allowing a racist travel ban, and sabotaging workers unions)  I really felt in addition to taking action I had to turn inward as well and really contemplate how is that depth of evil able to manifest.

Now I would not say my level of evil is comparable to the level of administrative and generational trauma inducing evil the US government is able to commit, however I do have, yes some evil in my heart, yeah I do.

This evil for me is about venge. I am naming all my guitar battles. The one coming up in a few months I have been recently referring to as my “Summer of Green Fire”. Why green fire? Because green fire is of course the most vengeful fire their is! I look to stories like Sleeping Beauty and Game of Thrones to find some examples of this fire, this vengefulness. Maleficent makes a great statement in Sleeping beauty when all that green fires sweeps around the castle. I have always found the image so mesmerizing, its this real sense that this villain means business so you better not mess around ! Then my favorite, which I just never saw coming, Cersei Lannister at such an ideal moment gets revenge on her enemies with a gigantic surprise explosion of wildfire. Okay so now to be fair I am not aiming to set fire to my enemies. I did however want to hit them where it hurts (hence the guitar). I want them to know I’m not the type of girl to take things easily, and I want myself to know that too. So in some sense I can be construed as villain in my own story, I am seeking out these innocent guys and I don’t want to burn them, but I wouldn’t mind roasting their egos a bit :). And in the case of Cersei, there is some merit in having such a sly and insidious plan. I have to say I kind of idolize that slow and steady revenge that doesn’t seem like much at first and really packs a punch; kind of like lava slow, but essentially unstoppable. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

What I find difficult about revenge is that it takes a certain amount of self-righteousness. When achieving revenge you are willingly and consciously taking actions into your own hands and imposing your own sense of justice and karma upon someone else you feel has wronged you. I know people say when you seek revenge you dig two graves or whatever and on some moral level I don’t really approve of revenge. Yet there is something I am hoping to try in this. I do want to get even, but revenge I think doesn’t always have to be all bloody and painful. I am following this sense of revenge not because I want to make someone else feel bad or see them suffer. My summer of green fire in a literal sense is about confronting someone, but more than that its about confronting myself and making peace with my own evil or “walking with my hyena”.

I use this term walking with my hyena because I heard it once in a great one woman show, Hyena by Romana Soutus put on by La MaMa experimental theatre club.  The hyena refers to our animal side, the baser instincts we always keep caged up to protect other people, our irrationality, our hatred, jealously, obsessions. In the end of the play the woman insinuates maybe suppressing those instincts isn’t so good for you, in fact it might make them worst, that might it be better to try to “walk with the hyena”. This is how I interpreted it. It meant a lot to me because before I saw that I tried, most of the time successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully to suppress thoughts and emotions I thought others wouldn’t like or that would drive them away. But theres a balance to strike  here. You have to speak your truth, and maybe there is a way to do that kindly, and with whimsy, and even a little mischief mixed in.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The guitar battles are about me learning guitar, stepping into something new for sure. Definitely learning a lot of patience. In a figurative sense its about that confrontation. Its confronting myself, my fear, my insecurities, and a system of oppression that has manifested in my habits in the past which confined me. It is not the man I seek to burn, but emotional and mental chains. I wanted to do this SO much I’ve created a whole ritual of guitar battles around it, so in a sense my rivals are more so there to witness and semi-take part in this battle, this battle in pursuit of freedom for myself.

As humans we are fallible and not always privy to the results of our actions, the fruits of our labor. I don’t know in the end if these guitar battles will be the rituals I intend them to be but  with intention I’ll move forward because its an experiment and frankly I haven’t found any other remedy to reconcile the unrest in my heart. In a way I really am like a villain because I am so stuck in the past, so unable to let go, ever fixated it’s like Amir Safi says in his spoken word poem “Brown Boy. White House”, “I still have callouses on hands I still have trouble letting things go”. I hope these guitar battles can be a ritual for healing and for practicing freedom even if theres some spite in it. In society and in the media I haven’t seen many fun ways people confront others about misunderstandings or pain so I wanted to make something for that, a vehicle that felt right to me that involved art, so now here I am.

So this is me free or flexing my muscles sort of. I feel like if I practice guitar intentionally or I practice expressing myself intentionally I hope that spills outward into other areas where actions and voices are needed concerning societal injustice. Sometimes that action can even be as simple as listening and making sure the center focus are on the people truly effected by evil in our society. This is me practicing then, and getting even and getting revenge, walking beside my demon (or hyena). I want to walk through the fire this time and not get burned. I am not so much interested in besting a guitar playing dude (although it is fun!), I’m interested in creating meaning, and a ritual to fully heal wounds from a patriarchal society.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Fun fact about guitar practice:

I haven’t been practicing as much. I have doubts and am worried about my progress, but I’m still impossibly hopeful regardless! In true story fashion I am hoping to improve at fantastic rate in August, so we’ll see how likely that is.  And to be fair winning is not always about winning and losses don’t always have to be a loss right?!?! So for now I’ll just say I am frustrated and trying to love the practice and love the process.

Catch you on the flip side amigos! In the goddesses we trust.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

References

Hyena by Romana Soutus : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhGBp50wnk

La MaMa : http://lamama.org/

Amir Safi. “Brown Boy White House”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr0IVQ4b9TE

[headstand-over-heels]

The Piece

Hey! This is my first story! I’m gonna try to get them weekly/biweekly, we’ll see what shakes out!

The Man sighed. He ran his hands back through his silver grey hair, which was just beginning to thin at the front. The perspiration under the bridge of his glasses was causing them to fall slightly down his red face. Hands on his hips, he sighed again, then paced around it, examining from every angle. The bell rang, for the third time, and finally he turned, slowly, to answer it. The grand oak door swung creakily, as though the hinges had not been used in a very long time. On his front marble step stood a girl, no older than twelve, staring not at him, but the massive entryway to the most expensive home she had ever seen. The man placed a hand on his hip, forced a smile, then cleared his throat.

“You selling cookies kid?”

“I-what?” the girl snapped back to attention, “Oh! No, sorry. I mean I’m sure I could get you cookies if you wanted. Uh, do you want me to get you cookies?”

“No I’m uh,” he looked around, clearly inexperienced at speaking to children, “What can I do for you?”

“Oh! Yes!” the girl stood straighter, then glanced at the clipboard in her arms, “I am writing a report for my art history class at George Sherman Middle School. My topic is influential heroes of art and art history. I would greatly appreciate if I could interview you in a fifteen minute segment.”

She finished reading off of her script, then looked up with wide eyes, expectantly. The man chuckled softly. He normally denied requests for interviews, but for some reason this girl was the most approachable reporter he had met yet.

“You know what? Sure. Yeah, sure. Come inside. What's your name?” The man asked.

“Catherine Eleanor Grace. Nice to meet you sir.” She held out her hand, and gave a surprisingly brisk handshake.

“Never met anyone with three first names. Call me Oliver.” He held the door open for her as she stepped inside.

Catherine heard her school shoes click on the hardwood of the massive entryway. She had to crane her neck to see the top of the gigantic window on the opposite side. Two spiraling staircase met above a large stone statue, a man in a sitting position, with his arm resting on his knee and his chin in his hand.

“Is that the real one?”

“That?” Oliver motioned to the statue, “Not at all, it's much bigger. but for what it cost, it may as well have been. Of course, I don’t really have to worry about what things cost anymore.”

The man motioned her to a side room, with doors just as massive as the ones at the front of the house. Catherine entered, to find a library blanketed in orange light, and bookshelves that spanned to the ceiling, in rows that she could not see the end of.

“Wow, every book in the world must be in here.”

“You’re joking, but pretty much. The library of congress is actually second to my collection. Here, hop on.”

The man sat behind the wheel of a small golf cart, with plush cushioned seats. The only sound in the place was the whirr of the electric engine, magnified by the echo effect of the massive room. They drove for a long time, passing shelf after shelf of alphabetized books, until finally reaching the O section, and taking a sharp left. Here he stopped and got out, and led the girl to a door laid into the middle of a shelf. He took a small key out of his pocket, and unlocked.

Compared to the majesty of the rest of the house, this room was unimpressive. The door was normal, average even. The interior held just one bookshelf, a couch and some slightly uncomfortable looking chairs. The only light came from a fireplace, and some candles on the table. The girl sat and sank into the couch. Oliver sat across from her, for the first time in a long time feeling a little out of his depth with the situation. She wasted no time, and pulled her clipboard out of her school bag again. She cleared her throat, and without looking at him, began to ask.

“What inspires you to make art?”

“Oh,” he paused, “Uhh, well I mean, I haven’t made art in a long time. I don’t really think anyone has. I mean, what would the point even be?”

“What do you mean by that? Do you think art isn’t worth making?”

“Of course. Well,” he paused again, “I used to. I used to think that.”

“Why?”

“Well, ok. Take into account what I’ve made. It is, by all accounts, the greatest piece of art ever made. Coming off of that, why try to make anything else? Why would I, or anyone else, try to make anything better? I know I can’t. Art is a dying industry. Sure, big boom of inspiration right after I was discovered, but now? No one tries, isn’t worth the time or money.”

“Ok,” she looked down again, reading off of her script, “What’s it like being the richest person in the world?”

“Honestly? Lonely.”

“How so?”

“I didn’t-,” he paused, running his hand through his hair. This was more difficult than he had anticipated, “I guess, I just didn’t...try after I was discovered. Like, sure I went to great parties, and made millions every day but eventually, I guess I just...lost my passion. There was nothing left to do. More and more often, I just ended up spending days on end, in here. Days turned to weeks, turned to months.”

He paused.

“It’s easy to be alone,” he continued, “Seeing people is hard. Interacting with a world that you don’t see joy in anymore is really [] hard. At this point, even the service staff only come at night. It’s much easier to be here, alone, with my books.”

“Hmm,” the girl sat, pencil to her lips, “Thats sad. When do you think things changed, then?”

“The very instant I finished my project,” he responded pointedly

“What was that day like?.”

“I was working off of a grant, at a university I taught at. It was really a freeform thing, I had been working for weeks. I didn’t really think anything of it until I finished. That first step back...I was the first person in the world to see that thing.”

“And how did that feel?”

“Horrible. Absolutely horrible. When I first saw my project, I saw a vision of the future. I’m sure you’ve heard lots of people say they’ve had visions looking at it, but they’re wrong. They all say they saw heaven in the most beautiful object on earth, or a uniting world peace,” He chuckled for a moment, “They’re wrong. Because I know the truth, I know what really lies in that thing. I first looked on it, and I saw the end, the end of creativity, and the human spirit. There was no reason to continue on now. I wept with the rest of them when they first laid eyes on it, but not for the same reasons. They didn’t see what I see, they still don’t.”

“Is it still happening?”

“Of course, even now. Haven’t you seen it? The world is moving slower. Theres no more war, nothing to fight for. You could say thats a good thing, but its for the wrong reasons. Theres no passion, love is less emotional, society isn’t worth the work anymore. Haven’t you noticed, even the sky seems less blue?”

Catherine looked up from furiously scratching on her notepad. Olivers face was red, and a tear fell that he attempted to wipe away.. She did not react, but instead stood, and parted the thick velvet curtains covering a side window in the room. Peering outside, she saw a lush green lawn, covered in flowers. The clouds drifted lazily overhead, and a bird sang a weak song.

“Do you think,” she asked, still looking out the window, “that you’ve done something bad?”

Oliver stared at her, tears still filling his eyes.

“Yes. I believe this is the end of the world.”

She looked out, over the green gardens, peering towards a small circle of flowers. They surrounded a short headstone sticking out of the dirt, which she could barely read from this angle.

“Is that your wife?”

“Daughter,” he sniffed, not looking up, “It’s funny, the project was actually for her. Inspired by her. She would have been nineteen this year. She saw it too, the things I saw in that thing. She was actually the second person to see it, and she knew too. She said she was proud of me. The next day we found that she had gotten up early, and walked through five lanes of traffic.”

“What was her name?” Catherine asked, turning her head to face him, sadly

“Eleanor,” Oliver responded, “I haven’t….talked about Lenore in years. No ones asked.”

“Well, maybe they’d ask if you let them.”

She turned back to the couch, and gathered her clipboard and bag. Oliver did not look up at her, just stared at the carpeted floor. She paced to the door, then, thinking over it, ran back, and thrust her hand out in his direction.

“Thank you for your time sir,” she was reading off of the clipboard again, “You will be hearing from administration at George Sherman Middle in three to six weeks regarding the report about this interview. If you would like further information, please contact our email, Thank you very much, have a nice day.”

He raised his head, and they shook hands, very professionally.

“Catherine?” Oliver asked, “Do you think you’ll ever be around here again?”

“Maybe. Depends. I might need your email to contact you about further details of the project.”

“I think that could be arranged,” He took a cocktail napkin from the table, and a pen from his breast pocket, “There. You’re all set.”

“Excellent. I do believe you will be hearing from us again.”

Catherine strode out of the room, and into the massive library. Oliver did not follow. Her heels clicked on the hardwood. She didn’t notice it before, but the echo reverberated around the room and into your ears. It was an isolating effect, making the room feel cold and harsh. Cathy pulled the strap of her bag higher on her shoulder and quickened her pace. She had a long ways to walk

[brotherzachariah]

"#the last hours #not gonna lie #i want nothing to do with this series if matthew and james aren't canon" really? wtf?

yes, i said it.

first of all, james and matthew are very gay/bi/pan-coded in nothing but shadows, the book from shadowhunter academy where they meet and basically follow the classic enemies to friends to lovers trope that we all love so much. there are so many quotes that made myself as well as my best friend (we are obsessed with this otp together) believe that james and matthew were into each other in a non-straight/bro way. here are a few:

“That was when Matthew Fairchild said, “Sir,” and smiled.

James had forgotten about The Smile, even though it was often broken out to great effect at family parties. The Smile won Matthew extra time before bed, extra Christmas pudding, extra anything he wanted. Adults were helpless to resist The Smile.

Matthew gave his all to this particular smile. Butter melted. Birds sang. People slipped about dazed amid the butter and birdsong.”

okay sorry but does one really wax that fucking poetic about some guy they’re not attracted to? no.

then later, to further prove this point:

“Matthew glanced at him and smiled: it was The Smile, gradual and illuminating as sunrise, and James had the sinking feeling that he might not be immune after all.”

ha. not immune to The Smile. james refers to matthew’s smile as a proper fucking noun. that’s not gay at all, folks. also, referring to your bro’s smile as being akin to the sun, just bros being bros.

“I was jealous of you first. I was jealous of everything about you, and I still am.”

“Wait,” said Matthew. “Wait, wait, wait. You don’t like me because I am so very charming?”

He threw his head back and laughed. He kept laughing. He laughed so much that he had to come and sit beside James on the step, and then he laughed some more.

“Stop it, Matthew,” James grumbled. “Stop laughing. I am sharing my innermost feelings with you. This is very hurtful.”

“I’ve been in a bad mood this whole time,” said Matthew. “You think I’m charming now? You have no idea.”

James punched him in the arm. He could not help smiling. He saw Matthew noticing, and looking very pleased with himself.”

THIS IS GAY.

“He found Matthew looking at him. Matthew had known, all the time, exactly where he was.

“Jamie,” Matthew said, sounding unsettled but impressed. “That was terrifying.”

“It’s James, for the last time,” said James.

“No, I’m calling you Jamie for a little while, because you just displayed arcane power and calling you Jamie makes me feel better.”

James laughed, shakily, and that made Matthew smile. It did not occur to them until later that a student was dead, and the Shadowhunters feared and distrusted the demonic—that somebody would be blamed. James did not discover until the next day that his parents had been informed of everything that had transpired, and that he, James Herondale, was now officially expelled.”

to quote my best friend and roommate “when ur gonna be expelled but it’s chill bc ur crush smiled at u”

“Father, please,” James said in a quiet voice.

“Mr. Herondale, please!” said Matthew. “We cannot be parted.” James braced himself for the explanation about truth and beauty, but instead Matthew said, with devastating simplicity: “We are going to be parabatai.”

James stared.

Father said: “Oh, I see.”

Matthew nodded encouragingly, and smiled encouragingly.

“Then nobody should come between you,” said Father.

“Nobody.” Matthew shook his head as he said “nobody,” then nodded again. He looked seraphic. “Exactly.”

HMM INTERESTING. CAN’T BE SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER. BUT DIDN’T ACTUALLY PLAN ON BECOMING PARABATAI, DID IT ON A WHIM. SOUND FAMILIAR? YEAH ITS THE SAME EXACT SCENARIO AS EMMA/JULIAN. BINCH

now here comes the gayest quote

“We don’t . . . have to be parabatai,” Matthew said, his voice quiet under the sound of the blast. “I said it to make your father take me with you, so I could execute my new plan, but we don’t . . . have to. I mean, unless you . . . maybe want to be.”

James had thought he wanted a friend like himself, a parabatai who was shy and quiet and would enter in on James’s feelings about the terror of parties. Instead here was Matthew, who was the life and soul of every party, who made dreadful hairbrush decisions, who was unexpectedly and terribly kind. Who had tried to be his friend and kept trying, even though James did not know what trying to be a friend looked like. Who could see James, even when he was a shadow.

“Yes,” James said simply.

“What?” said Matthew, who always knew what to say.

“I’d like that,” said James. He curled his hands, one around his father’s coat sleeve, and one around Matthew’s. He held on to them, all the way home.”

GAAAAYYYYY

moving on to my actual points.

i feel like it’s important to take into account that so far, emma and julian are the only parabatai relationship that’s been canon. (unless you count michael and robert, but since they never acted on those feelings in canon, and it never actually came to fruition bc robert had his Big Gay Panic, i’m not counting it for the sake of this argument.) if cassie is really telling us that in her four main series, as well as her side novellas and miniseries, etc. the only parabatai relationship we get to actually see be together and fall in love is a cishet couple, i will fucking scream. that’s really homophobic and gross, considering. but honestly cassie has never been into qu**r-baiting, that’s not her style. and homophobia has never been her thing. which is why i have to believe that matthew and james will be canon.

also, matthew is obviously not straight. and i’m not going to search for the ask, but cassie was once asked about matthew’s sexuality specifically, and she was like “i would rather… wait… till the books come out… for you to know.” or something to that degree. like, fam she would never say that if matthew was straight. like i said, not a qu**r-baiter. matthew is obviously into james, and their relationship as i said before was gay/bi/pan-coded in nothing but shadows. BUT you say, MAYBE james is straight and matthew’s love for him is just one-sided! and then he just ends up with a random dude side character!! um, no. that’s the same thing that happened with alec-jace-magnus in the mortal instruments. it would be lazy af to run with that same storyline again, and i honestly would fucking lose my mind if i had to deal with another unrequited gay parabatai love story ever again.

next, and honestly this is REALLY important to me as someone who’s not straight. clary, tessa, and emma. the three /main/ characters of the last three series were fucking straight. they were written straight in the books. canonically straight. yes obviously we all headcanon them as lgbt bc why wouldn’t we, but the point is that the narrative painted them as straight. (disclaimer, i have not read lord of shadows yet, so if emma and christina somehow got together in that book, i take this statement back.)

with her fourth and possibly final (??) series coming out, how could she pass up the chance to make the main character lgbt? the world has changed since she started publishing her books ten fucking years ago in 2007. readers and publishers are much more open and willing to accept lgbt main characters and main relationships. she made alec gay back in 2007, which honestly seemed groundbreaking at the time, but having a side lgbt relationship in your novel is hardly groundbreaking in 2017. everyone’s doing that. but, she has a chance now, with all her popularity and money, and the fact that her books no matter what are instant bestsellers, to finally make her /MAIN/ main character non-straight. she can do anything she fucking wants. so!!! why!!! not!!! make!!! james!!! fucking!!! herondale!!! bisexuall???

and another thing, while i’m ranting like the crazy person that i am. yes, clearly james and cordelia get ~married and have kids or whatever the fuck according to that family tree we saw when clockwork princess came out. BUT keep in mind that at the time, cassie herself said that the family tree had purposeful inaccuracies and she left out the fairchild family line on purpose.

cordelia imo is obviously going to bi, pan, or a lesbian, and end up with anna. that’s just my two cents, and honestly i’m really happy about that because in all her fifty or so books, the amount of wlw is astoundingly low. obviously theres helen/aline, but they are background characters and a background relationship, and we didn’t even see them get together. so i’m glad there will be a wlw relationship in the core main group of the last hours. STILL though, still, that just means that cordelia and james got fake married so they could be with other people. but back to my original point: it makes more sense for that person to be matthew, rather than grace.

another thought to consider is that tlh and tda are meant to parallel each other in multiple ways. i know this seems obvious, but i have to believe that one of these parallels is the whole falling-in-love-with-your-parabatai-making-you-both-monsters drama that jem brought up. JEM, who had a very close relationship with his favorite nephew james and tried to comfort him when james thought he was ‘becoming a monster’ in nothing but shadows. i haven’t even read lord of shadows yet but idgaf bc this obviously still holds up.

SO

tldr; obviously james and matthew should and can be together. and like i said in those tags, if they aren’t i have no interest in the book series.

[coralflower-ao3]

my dark sides theory / interpretation (and a prediction!)

(spoilers for my novel!)

the core of my theory: each light side has a corresponding dark side. these light/dark pairs are not necessarily opposites or enemies, though. they are actually very similar to each other. the point of the pairing is to say that the two can work together well. patton's is virgil and roman's is deceit. why?

anxiety often takes the form of making you take up as little space as possible. it can tell you that you dont deserve to have good things happen to you, and if its strong enough, it can cause morality to be maladaptive by convincing you that you should put yourself aside for the sake of other because you arent important enough.

on the flip side, virgil and pattons friendship is probably the strongest friendship portrayed in the entire show. patton made steps towards accepting virgil when the others werent willing to, and thats something i cant see him doing for deceit (patton has said multiple times that lying is bad and wrong)

which brings us to roman and deceit. weve already seen how deceit can manipulate roman. weve also seen them get along, with banter that both seemed to truly enjoy. i think that, working together, roman and deceit (creativity and self-preservation) could do some really cool stuff. romans struggles with thomas's dreams have been a recurring theme throughout the show, and i think hed be more open to practical advice from someone he relates to than from logan. deceit would give advice because they want thomas's dreams to happen, whereas logan gives advice because he believes he is right, and that rubs roman the wrong way.

i think the next dark side to be introduced will be someone who can work well with logan, but before i get to that, theres another element to my interpretation: type-based weaknesses.

well, not really, but it might help to think of it that way.

roman is weak to virgil. i think any writer knows what anxiety can do to your creativity. i also think that logan is weak to deceit; you cant make informed decisions without all the facts, and deceit was able to keep logan at bay for all of selfishness vs selflessness. virgil is weak to logan, because calm, logical thought is the first step towards breaking the cycle of anxiety, and logan is especially good at sorting through virgil's input to find the things that truly need to be worried about.

if youve been making a diagram the way i did when i first came up with this theory, youll notice that just leaves pattons weakness, whose weakness will be roman. so whats a trait that could harm the things patton represents, a trait that could be countered by roman?

i had a few ideas, but in my novel i went with apathy because he seemed interesting and he fit pretty well as a mirror to patton representing feelings. i considered sleep, but sleep seems more like a brain function to me (which inspired my other five OCs, read my novel i cant believe i actually wrote a novel)

anyway, apathy makes it impossible to act morally. if you dont care, you wont do the right thing. at the same time, apathy feels very similar to boredom, which roman is very good at countering. hes also just good at stirring up emotion-- theres a reason he was the most popular side for the first few years running.

so can apathy and logic work well together? the answer is yes. theres this legendary skill called compartmentalisation. i suck at it. it means you can decide what feelings to focus on (to care about) at any given moment, in order to deal with them effectively. with the ability to momentarily put aside feelings that cant be faced while thomas is trying to sleep, work, eat, hang out with friends, or anything, logan could make great strides in his mission to help thomas become more healthy.

or apathy could convince logan that he is always right, and that since the others didnt listen to him a few times, he shouldnt care about them. honestly, it seems like logan is being set up to have his resentment turned on the others, which scares me because i didnt predict it in my fic.

thats right, i came up with this whole theory in november of 2018 as i wrote my nanowrimo, before selfishness vs selflessness came out. im very shocked that so many things lined up. please read my fic. i literally have an oc who is the embodiment of gay pride. i have a character who speaks in rhymes because he thinks its fun and he wants to name himself a cuss word. remy can put the other sides to sleep by kissing them. deceit can only speak the truth when theyre in pain. at least ten thousand words are from the point of view of a blind character and i did so much research. please read it.