#because we’ll never get to experience this lead up period and content period ever again

[goldenwilmon]

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[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: March 30th, 2021- Part 1

We’ve been really focused on getting the Step 3 DLC done and keeping up with asks kind of got away from me, aha. Thank you for waiting for a reply! We’re still definitely behind, but here’s a good chunk of responses!

I love Our Life so much but if the release of the step 3 dlc is in April, please don't "release" it on April 1, my poor heart can't take that prank 😭

Don’t worry! I’m horrible at pranks, haha. When we do post something specifically for April Fool’s it’s always to pretend it’s a joke when in reality it’s something we’re actually planning to do. But we don’t have anything like that arranged for this year. Any posts on April 1st will just be like normal.

Omigod, can you end the game in love with Cove but not in a relationship? My character stayed calm at the restaurant and Cove slept over at her home and I think I may have missed it. I'm delirious if I did, may never stop laughing. The children are idiots 

Haha, yes, it is possible to be in love and still not get into an actual relationship. There’s no forced ending where the two are made to confess their feelings and accept, it’s all optional/avoidable.

How can you see the new main character cut-in images? I'm not trying to be rude, but, all of my playthroughs, but I haven't seen them yet. (I know you can go through an entire game without seeing them, but I have went through multiple games.) 

It’s a bit of a spoiler to say here, but you can check out the guide we posted on Steam HERE!

Is it possible to win first place in the library quiz with Lizzy (Step 1 DLC) 

Yep, it is! Someone made a guide for the answers HERE (it’s also on Steam). We probably shouldn’t have required a perfect score to win a children quiz, but oh well, haha.

Hello!

In the future (in step 4) can you marry Cove even if you are friends? I would love to have a platonic wedding with him!

I’m afraid not. As much as he cares for the MC when they’re besties, Cove would only really want an official marriage if it’s based on romance.

Hello! I bumped into Our Life randomly last month, and it is one of the best coincidences I have ever laid on. I love how the choices and little details in the story changes throughout the game, and I'm excited to keep supporting you! I'm absolutely in love with Cove and would like to ask what keeps him to be especially interested in the MC? Other than how you can choose what fondness level you have with him, what ultimately leads him to be in sync with us? Sorry if it's a little much & thank u! 

Cove likes the MC because, regardless of the different personality traits you can give the MC, they meet him on his level, listen to him, understand him (even if you’re indifferent and not really close the MC still gets where he’s coming from), and if you’re fond/crush/love than you’re there for him. He finds the MC someone he can respect, trust, and, if they’re close, feel safe with. I’m glad you enjoyed the game!

hi there! for xoxo droplets i see the that female pronouns are used in the description, in the actual game can you change the pronouns or are they stuck as female? i'm aware the game is free, but i have a bad habit of buying dlc's before playing the game so it would be helpful to know before i spend money on it. if anything i'll save that money for more our life dlcs when they come out :D

XOXO Droplets does have a set MC. It’s the story of a specific person rather than a game about making your own story. All of our games prior to Our Life were about exploring MCs that were fully fleshed out people in their own right, so you can’t get the OL experience from what we did before. But we do plan to do more custom-style MCs going forward from here!

For the our life nsfw dlc, will you have to be in the patron to have it or  will there be another way for people who really support the game but can't pay to get it? 

I’m afraid not. We might put it up for sale somewhere other than Patreon someday (though never on Steam or Itch) since we know not everyone can use that site, but it will still cost money on any other hosting page we use. It’s unfortunately not a piece of content we can give away for free.

Hello! I finally got to play Xoxo Blood Droplets and it mentioned about a DLC coming out soon. Is it already out or are you still planning it?

We are still planning to finish it when we can, we just had to put it on hold because 2020 was a tough year and we needed to put all our focus on Our Life. There’s some of the extra DLC stories available for beta testing on the Patreon.

Is there a link to the soundtrack for Xoxo Blood Droplets? I really like the music in this game! 

That’s not available yet, but we’ll probably put it up for sale once the rest of the stories are done.

Would there be any chance for XOXO Droplets OSTs to be released in the future? (Please take my money-) 

We might! There are some things we wanna do and fix before we really start advertising XOXO Droplets things again, but hopefully it all comes together.

Why does Cove dislike Shiloh so much despite all of Shiloh's efforts to get along? I can understand his dislike for Lizzie, but why Shiloh? 

They met under bad terms (with an arranged play date he had no choice in), Shiloh’s sort of pushy himself when it comes to trying to get along, and Cove thinks he’s just kind of unusual in how he interacts/reacts with people. They don’t click, basically.

Is there a way to have your character be a tsundere? And have Cove toughened up a bit due to that? Sorry if the is a stupid question! ^^;

Maybe? The options in the game aren’t based on those types of personality tropes and I don’t know them well enough to say if you can accurately find a way to make it work with the available options. But it’s not a stupid question, I’m sure plenty of other people have considered something similar c:

do voiced names work only with their exact spelling? cause my mc is called Sophia and one of the voiced names is Soffia so i was wondering but if only works like that it's fine (sorry if i made any mistakes, english isn't my first language) 

“Voice” and “text” are separate! You can pick the “voice” you want and then type in whatever “text” you prefer. And your English is really good.

Will OL:NF be based on a season/break like the first game? Or some other type of setting? 

Our Life: Now & Forever takes place over the full course of Autumn. So, the start of school and then into the fall holiday season type of time period.

Will we ever see a jealous cove😭😭 please im begging u- 

Only in small ways, really. Sadly, I’m just not someone who enjoys jealousy in stories and therefore I don’t know how to implement it in a way that feels enjoyable. Maybe I’ll figure out a angle I can work with in future projects.

Do you have any plans with Our Life once step 4 has been released along with step 3's DLCs? 

After the Step 3 DLCs and Step 4 we’ll be releasing the Cove wedding DLC, the Derek romance DLC, and then the Baxter romance DLC. The project will likely be considered fully complete at that point.

Hello, I just needed to first of all sat how amazed I was when I discovered this game. I thought I would be disappointed by the lack of love interests, but you worked so hard to make sure Cove is the Best Boy for so many different people!! It really has been my comfort game for a while now, and I think all the different choices you allow make it the best romance game I’ve played in my life. The only problem is now my expectations for love are Cove level, and no one can live up to that. You’ve put so much consideration to make this game super inclusive and I think it’s amazing. If I can ask, for the exclusive NSFW Patreon dlc, will it only be available for the month it comes out? Or could I become a patron months later and still be able to download it. I just don’t have a job right now otherwise I would LOVE to subscribe to your Patreon and definitely will once I have the money again!! Thank you so so much for making such a lovely game that’s brought me so much joy.

&

Hiya! I'm so sorry for sounding like a complete degenerate for asking, but will the nsfw moment on patreon still be available even if i'm not a patron of the month it comes out? (e.g. i didnt pay/join the necessary tier before the moment is released) Thank you for your hard work on OL, I really connected with Cove in a way I never anticipated.

Thank you very much for such kind words! The Patreon DLC will be up for download on the Patreon indefinitely once it’s done. Just like the normal DLCs, you can pay to get it whenever you like but it won’t be up for sale until it’s finished. So take all the time you need.

Sorry to bother you guys, but there was an earlier ask detailing the OL LI's love languages and I was just wondering- Would that be for them personally, as in what they do, or the love language they enjoy receiving the most? Because I know for some people it's different for both on giving and receiving and was a bit confused, haha. Sorry for the trouble, your games are really nice!

For Cove and Derek it’s what they like to receive and what they give. For Baxter, it’s what he likes to get. What he gives is tailored to his partner. He’s flexible that way~ And it’s no trouble.

asking (and also fanning... fanboying? fangirling? fanpersoning? screw it- from a distance) anonymously because my confidence is nonexistent.

will you be doing a kickstarter for our life: now and forever? i know it's probably been asked and mentioned before, but will you be doing a kickstarter akin to the one done for our life: beginnings and always? if so, will you be doing similar tier rewards? (if you guys do so, i will [politely] throw my money at you).

now, to the fan.. personing? FAN. uhm. to the part where this anonymous agender idiot will begin to act as the fan they are.

THE GAME IS SO. SO NICE. IT'S CUSTOMIZABLE. I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT PART. AAAAA I ALSO ENJOY THAT YOU GAVE US THE OPTION TO JUST STAY BEST FRIENDS OR SOMETHING A8DBAIHEW- AND YOU INCLUDED AROS AND ACES IN THAT SEXUALITY CHOOSING PART- aaaAAA AND YOU MADE ELIZABETH FILIPINO- THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR CREATING SUCH AN INCLUSIVE GAME!!!

to summarize; will you be doing a kickstarter? and thank you for creating such a nice game. i, and likely the majority if not all of those who have played the game, am thankful.

Aw, thanks <3! I’m so happy it was such a nice experience for you. We are planning on having a Kickstarter for Our Life: Now & Forever. It’ll have similar rewards to the Our Life: O&A Kickstarter, but some changes will have to be made. Like, we’ll definitely need to increase the rate for getting a voiced name. Originally it was $3USD, which was super low for how much work it really took to add in a customized piece of voice acting, aha. Live and learn.

So sorry if you've already answered this, I looked but I couldn't find anything. Is the 18+ DLC coming out alongside the Step 3 DLC, or do they have different development timelines entirely? I'm so excited for all the DLC coming out in the future, and even though the release dates aren't out, I'm already counting down the days. :)

They have different development times and will come out separately. Despite taking place in the same Step period, they’re disconnected pieces of content and making progress on one doesn’t mean the other is closer to being finished. The normal Step 3 DLC is releasing first. It’s great to hear you’re looking forward to them!

Hey!! I'm absolutely LOVING Our Life! I have been pondering on one question though, what's Cove's ethnicity, if there is a set one? Or is it something we can Headcanon? 

&

hi hi! i wanted to say first of all that i absolutely adore our life. it's one of my favourite games of 2020, and i think it was just the perfect dose of positivity we all needed, even if you didn't intend to release it during such a hectic year lol! secondly, i wanted to say: if it's alright to ask, what ethnicity is cove? :-0 and what about his parents? i was just curious about it ^^)/ thank you!!

Cove’s mom, Kyra, is white. But his dad’s, Cliff’s, race doesn’t come up and players are able to headcanon it. So Cove is half white and half whatever you prefer Cliff to be! 

hello! there was a post on the patreon where you can run your fingers down cove's chest in errands - how do you get that scene? ♥ 

That was an old mistake on my part- you can only get that scene in the Ending rather Errands. You have to leave the big family dinner at the restaurant to go into the car, be dating Cove for a while, have Cove come see you there, and then mention using your hands when Cove makes a joke about hands.

in baxter’s dlc, is there any point where you can tell him about the previous renters of the condo? 

You can talk to him about that in the normal Step 3 DLC!

—– —– —– —–

Thank you for all the interest in our games everybody :D

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[bailey-reaper]

How about a drabble of Barok serving as Klint's judicial assistant in his younger years, before he officially studies law to become a prosecutor? I like the idea of him becoming interested in and familiar with law from his brother. "Judicial Assistant van Zieks" has a certain ring to it.

Work Experience

Notes:

Oh that's a lovely idea, anon! I'd imagine that by the time he's promoted to 'Director of Prosecutions', Klint would most likely have been a very senior barrister known as a Q.C. ('Queen's Counsel'); they're also known colloquially as 'silks' because they 'take silk' (i.e. acquire a robe made of silk) upon attaining this lofty rank.

When a barrister becomes a silk/QC, they often only handle the most difficult (and expensive) work, but they will usually have a junior barrister assisting them (i.e. doing all the work, though I doubt Klint would conduct himself like that).

I can very much imagine Klint taking Barok as his junior and allowing himself to be 'led' by the latter. The term 'leading' basically means the barrister in charge of conducting the case where there's more than one involved.

Content Warnings: legal gubbins (that's the technical term btw... it's not); I take liberties with all things van Zieks, as usual...

──────≪⊰✥⊱≫───────

Klint's office was the very best place to study as far as Barok was concerned - the vast table in the centre of the room allowed him to spread his books out while the peaceful calm was greatly conducive to reflective reading. It was as good as, if not superior to, going to the university library. "Barok!" Klint said as he entered his room and shrugged out of his formal scarlet jacket, tossing it haphazardly on a coat rack, "What a pleasant surprise-- drink?" "Good afternoon brother," he looked up and nodded in greeting, "Mm, yes please. How was court?" "Fairly standard stuff," Klint sighed as he took two glasses and poured a measure of whiskey into each. Truth be told it was yet more of the depressing hypocrisy that grew ever-apparent to him day by day, but there was no need to sour a visit from his brother with such things. He set the glass down beside Barok and held up his own in a toasting gesture. Their glasses chimed melodically before both took a sip. Barok coughed a little, still unaccustomed to way whiskey punched the back of his throat when he swallowed it, "I imagine you were splendid, as always." "Oh?" Klint chuckled, his brother truly did worship him. Then, while he leaned against his desk, an idea came to him, "Hmmm! That's a thought..." "Huh?" "How about you take on a little work experience by my side, hm? I'm sure it would be fun to have you as my junior counsel for a while." "What? Really?" Barok looked simultaneously shocked and delighted, "I'd very much like to learn at your side, brother, I imagine there is much you could teach me about court etiquette and procedure!" "Then it's settled! I'll write to your professor and tell him you're to undertake a period of practical study beside me. After all, you're planning to become a prosecutor are you not?" he knew full well his brother intended to follow in his footsteps, which was incredibly flattering-- though he did have his reservations about what such a career might do to his darling brother's character. The younger nodded, "I should very much like to become a prosecutor." "Very good," he set his glass down and sat at his desk, taking a sheet of paper and his quill in hand, "We'll have that letter sent out today!" ──────≪⊰✥⊱≫─────── Barok had been to court many, many times but mostly to observe by way of the public gallery when safe to do so, or from a corner of the courtroom once he started being targeted due to Klint's ever-growing renown as the 'bane of criminals'. This, however, was on an entirely different scale: today he would be assisting with the proceedings -- a participant rather than a spectator. "You look nervous," Klint remarked as he stood beside his younger brother. "What... what do you mean?" "Your eyes," he said, chuckling behind his fist, "They're darting all over the place like a furtive rabbit's" "....O.. Oh..." he took a deep breath and shook his head, "I... didn't sleep much last night, my mind seemed to want to go over the case details again and again." "Mmmm, I had forgotten how it felt to be quite that nervous in court... still, it's good you feel that unsettled sense in the pit of your stomach. One should never be blasé about standing in this sombre hall of justice. It should always create a sense of disquiet, that is how you know you yet hold the essence of what it means to be an officer of the court," Klint took a glass and a decanter from under the bench and filled it with a small measure, "But, here, it doesn't hurt to settle your nerves." "Is that... whiskey?!" Barok uttered. "Yes, go on, for your nerves, little brother." He took a sip as directed, and choked again; still not used to that fiery punch in his throat, "T...thank you." Suddenly there were three loud knocks at the door followed by the court clerk's booming voice: "All persons who have anything to do before my Lords - the Queen's Justices - at the Central Criminal Court, draw near and give your attendance. God Save the Queen!" the clerk bowed to the judge then took a seat in the corner so as to record a transcript of the proceedings.

The Judge sat down, "In the name of her Majesty, Queen Victoria, I declare this court to be in session. God Save the Queen," the middle-aged man, whose hair was starting to fail him, though it was hidden under his white wig, cast his gaze over the persons in attendance, "Lord van Zieks, I see the prosecution has a junior member today." "Correct, my lord," Klint replied with a smile, "This is my younger brother, Barok, he desires to become a prosecutor, so I thought it only proper for him to accompany me on a few excursions so as to get a feel for the thing." "Quite right and very good," the Judge nodded, "I bid you welcome, young man, I hope you will learn much from your older brother, he is a skilled prosecutor and an invaluable asset to this court." "Y... Yes sir!" Barok said, standing straight to attention. Klint chuckled before placing a hand over his heart and bowing, "Thank you, my Lord, you honour me." "Now, Counsel, your opening statement, if you please." "With pleasure, my Lord..." ──────≪⊰✥⊱≫─────── Barok dutifully passed evidence and case notes to his brother as the case progressed, while also taking notes of things that struck him as important in terms of procedure, witness testimony and the general way in which matters progressed. He also made a few notes on Klint's control of the courtroom and general demeanour; the way he eloquently developed his arguments and appealed to the Jury with a seemingly effortless, poetic grace. It was a true masterclass in courtroom conduct and he longed to commit every second of it to his memory so that he might mimic his brother's style in the future. "I already told ya!" snapped the witness in the box, "I ain't never had nothin' to do with the gobshite!" Klint sighed while removing a handsome goblet, fashioned from silver and crystal, from under the bench and filling it with a measure of whiskey, "I'm going to overlook your use of a double negative, no doubt you'd have no sense of what that actually means, and presume that you're trying to deny all knowledge of the accused." "Double wot?" "Never mind all that, " Klint took a sip, startling Barok-- was his brother drinking in court?! The Judge didn't seem remotely bothered by it, in fact no one said a word. Did he do this often?? His brother continued, "You say you don't know that man in the dock." "That's right!" "Are you sure about that?" "W-Wot?! Why'd you keep askin' me that?! If you got somethin' to say about it then say it!" the witness looked flustered and vaguely guilty to Barok's untrained eye. "I'll do better than that," Klint said, setting his goblet down, "I'll show that you're lying to me, to this court and these fine men and women of the jury." "... U..urk..." the witness bit their bottom lip, "Yer lyin'! There ain't no proof to be had!" "I don't play games of bluff, good sir. Like any lawyer worth his salt: when I assert, I go on to prove what I'm saying," he held up a document, "Do you know what this is?" ".... Looks like a bit'o paper..." "It's a contract, signed between you and the accused. A... 'gentlemans' agreement of goods and for services rendered –– you, sir, would receive the stolen property from the accused and his associates, then sell it on for them via your Pawnbrokery!" "W-Whaaaaat?!" the witness recoiled, "W...Where'd you get that?!" "It was well hidden, I'll give you that," Klint replied with a smile, "But not well enough to escape my notice. You're as involved in this intricate criminal fencing enterprise as the accused!" The court descended into a shocked furor... ──────≪⊰✥⊱≫─────── "I think this is a good place to adjourn proceedings for today," the Judge observed after the breakdown of the witness, "Bailiff, have that man arrested and handed over to the Yard so he can answer questions about his involvement in this sordid affair!" The bailiff did as ordered and apprehended the witness.

"Thank you to both Counsel's, and our young junior, for their assistance today. We shall continue again first thing on Monday. Court is adjourned!" the Judge rose, nodding to the courtroom once before leaving.

Klint turned to his little brother and grinned, "Well? How was your first real day in court, brother?" "It... it was amazing!" Barok replied, eyes practically twinkling, "I was so awed by your performance! You truly are an exceptional legal mind and practitioner, brother!" He laughed, "Stop it... you'll make me blush!" "It's true! Though, I must say... I had no idea one could drink in court or kick the prosecutor's bench... those were most flamboyant and striking displays!" "Most people can't," Klint conceded, "But, well, it seems I have a flair for the dramatic. It must run in the blood... Our lord father was a similarly passionate man when it came to matters of court –– even when he occupied the bench as a Law Lord. Many a lawyer would refer to him as 'Good Lord Kicking' behind his back!" he laughed at the thought. "Wow... really?!" "Yes, really!"

[alivefm]

( megan fox / 35 / she/her ) – ( jolene ‘jo’ munroe ) has been spotted in ravenswood. they said to originally be from ( salem, oregon ) and used to work as ( coroner ). They’ve been in the compound for ( three months ), working as ( fisherwoman ) to earn their keep and since then, others have seen their ( irritable ) but seemingly ( meticulous ) nature.

GENERAL

FULL NAME.    jolene bianca munroe.

NICKNAMES.    jo.

AGE & BIRTHDATE.    35 years old ; june 5.

GENDER & PRONOUNS.    cis female ; she/her.

ORIENTATION.    lesbian.

MARITAL STATUS.    single.

RELIGION.    agnostic.

OCCUPATION.    fisherwoman ( former coroner ).

PHYSICAL

HAIR COLOUR.    dark brown.

EYE COLOUR.    baby blue.

BUILD.    athletic.

MARKS.     faint dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose, a beauty mark on her right hip & left index finger.

TATTOOS.     small black rose behind right ear, faded mc logo on right shoulder blade, dad’s year of birth & year of death written in roman numerals along left side of collarbone, skeleton ribcage intertwined with thorny roses on inner left forearm, zodiac sign on inner right wrist .

PIERCINGS.     lobes ( x3 ), left helix, both nipples.

HEIGHT.    5'4".

FACECLAIM.    megan fox.

PERSONALITY

ZODIAC.    gemini.

ALIGNMENT.    chaotic neutral.

HOGWARTS.    ravenclaw or slytherin.

LABEL.    the facade.

POSITIVE TRAITS.     fervent, incisive, intuitive, meticulous, valiant.

NEGATIVE TRAITS.     evasive, headstrong, inquisitive, irritable, uninhibited.

HOBBIES.    fishing, pitching in her two cents worth with the medics (whether it’s asked for or not), more tba.

BACKGROUND

PLACE OF BIRTH.    salem, oregon.

CURRENT RESIDENCE.    ravenswood, washington.

NATIONALITY.    american.

ETHNICITY.    white.

PARENTS.   randall ’randy’ munroe ( father ) ; was extremely close to her dad, one of the few people she completely trusted and idolized. biological mom unknown.

SIBLINGS.     tucker munroe ( half brother ) ; same dad, different moms. indifferent to each other growing up, keith’s death brought them together & they shared a close bond. currently mia.

BIRTH ORDER.    eldest.

CHILDREN.    none.

LANGUAGES.    english, broken spanish.

HISTORY

EARLY STAGES.         she was born and raised in salem, oregon without knowing her mother ( who’d abandoned her and her father when jo was just a baby ). her dad, randy, and his family did their absolute best to raise jolene with what resources they had. the munroe’s were engaged in criminal activities, which she adamantly refused to participate in, wanting to separate herself from the stigma attached to the family name by studying and working hard. as family, though, jo felt an obligation to always be loyal, and as a coroner, she would cover up the real cause of death with a fabrication of her own if the truth ever directly linked to anyone in her family.

HELLISH OUTBREAK.    the first interaction she had with the undead was while she was on the clock. a john doe had been brought in, no identification, and it was just her that night, other than the lone security guard. after finishing a routine autopsy and then hearing banging coming from the refrigerated storage, jo’s curiosity lead her into a scuffle with the formerly, entirely deceased. fortunately, the security guard broke it up and saved jo from a lethal mauling. unfortunately, said guard ended up receiving the same mauling he had pried her from. escaping out into the chaos that had been unfolding on the streets, she linked up with her brother and together they abandoned everything they knew in order to survive. 

                                      they would meet up with other survivors for short periods of time, usually just to help each other out if needed, before going their separate ways again. it was the two of them against the world, until it wasn’t. while scavenging for supplies in an abandoned town, a horde of the undead caught them off guard and they were forced to separate, evidently losing each other. jo tried for days to track him down, to find any sort of hint or clue to his whereabouts, but always came up with nothing.

                                      it was while she was on the hunt that she stumbled across a damsel in distress ( @rubydelgado​ ), quick reflexes saving the other woman from a fate worse than death with a shot clean through the infected’s head. while jo had instinctively learned not to trust anyone other than her brother, she didn’t have the heart to abandon ruby, especially considering she was also on her own. with time, jo taught the other how to defend herself, and they stuck together through thick and thin, developing an unbreakable bound by the time they reached ravenswood.

COMPOUND LIFE.      despite the hardships the new world has delivered, jo has softened a great deal, finally understanding that being able to trust good people is the key to strength in a community. she’s very much a team player, and wants whatever’s best for the people she’s grown attached to in ravenswood, but she still holds certain reservations, especially in regards to oversharing the specifics of her family. 

                                        while she has firsthand experience with the deceased, the former coroner doesn’t want anything to do with the animated version, unless she’s putting it to rest. so, instead of volunteering to hop into the medical branch of their community, jo settled on a different way to pitch in; fishing. it was something she learned and mastered as a means of survival since the initial outbreak, and the job itself was a lot less stressful in comparison to what some others were enlisted to do. but that doesn’t mean jo isn’t on standby - when the going gets tough, she’s always ready to jump into action.

CONNECTIONS

HALF BROTHER.    this is definitely not needed, but it would def spice things up and rock jo’s carefully sculpted world. they were distant growing up, but linked up to mourn over their dad and had been close ever since. they were forced to split up and evidently lost each other while escaping a zombie horde, so for all jo knows, he could be dead. or ..... maybe he’s still alive.

FISHING BUDDY.    two pals catching fish, shooting the shit; a wholesome bubble created to escape the insanity around them, if only for a couple hours. this should be a very carefree friendship, relaxed & silly at times. they probably reminisce over the old world and all the simple pleasures they took for granted, maybe they partake in a little harmless gossiping / ‘neighborhood watch’?? anything dumb to keep themselves entertained while waiting for a bite.

ENTANGLEMENT.    a means of relieving high stress is always needed while surviving a zombie apocalypse, which is how this whole mess started. the idea was having something like a booty call, intimacy without the strings because it’s too wild of a life out here to build something solid. they’ve foolishly gotten attached overtime, though neither will admit it, so they’ve never had the “what are we” conversation and, so far, they’re content with that. obv more detail, etc. can be discussed.

FRICTION.    obviously not everything is gonna be peaches and cream all the time, every single person isn’t going to see eye to eye with the next person, and jo isn’t exactly the easiest person to handle. so give me the Tension. whether it’s subtle jabs & 'if looks could kill’, or full blown arguments & destruction, or somewhere in between.

ANYTHING.    literally anything. i blame my groggy state of mind on my lack of creativity rn so please, i’m beggin. if jolene can enrich your characters’ lives in any way, shape, or form, hit me up and we’ll hatch a plan.

[khaleesiofalicante]

All of this is crap, feel free to delete , please !!

_

I have been feeling low, for almost 7 months now, past few month have been very overwhelming for me. I don't know what phase is this but it is getting bit much to handle.

I didn't had much things that gave me happiness but now those things have stopped making me feel good, like I love(d) chocolates , every fibre of my body crave(d) for it and whenever I ate one I used to feel content, it was my comfort food (?) but recently it doesnot make me feel like that anymore. And this same happened with few other things , I found myself thinking about it and this made me sad. I don't know what it means and I don't think I even want to but this sometimes scares me , i don't know why but it does.

There are certain things that i never knew i paid attention to and even remembered that were said to me . I didn't knew recalling them would hurt me even tho they didn't affected me the time they were said or maybe the case is they did but i just repressed the thoughts and feelings. Maybe hearing same things time to time took a permanent place in my brain that can never be abandoned, then the recurring process of flash of memories from beginning to end make it worse.

I 've been from a long time being told to look after my weight and skin. Everytime I meet some close relative even before having a proper greet the first thing I am made aware about is either my weight or how the acne on my face is looking. Like now it has become so normal that everytime someone comments I just say ,"its been happening for a long time" and they too know about it. I do get affected by them saying things but what affects me most is when this thing is pointed out by my family . Yesterday i was laying on bed and my mother came into room and looked at me and said in the best nicest possible way that "why one day your face seems clear and why next day there are so many pimples and spots and whatever". My dad always points this out by saying that please take care of your skin/face i want my daughter to look the most beautiful. I know they want best for me but they 've been saying this for almost half the years of my life i've lived so far ( i am almost 20)  . Still i wait for that day when they'll say you are perfect the way you are , you don't need to change. But I know it won't happen ever. Only if they knew how much it hurts everytime someone points it out, how much I curse my existence at that very moment, how much insecure and worthless and inferior I feel within seconds of time, how much urge I feel to just run away from all this. I know they want good for me but why they feel that being flawless is good. It hurts , sometimes too much.

I have never been one of those who could express things easily , I find it too damn hard to say what I want what i feel .Though I try sometimes but not too hard just a bit because whenever and to whomsoever I tried to even show bare minimum of something either its been talked over or the other person is not able to understand or the other person can't do anything except nod in agreement or I start to feel so anxious that I myself drift away from topic or ...... And I don't blame anyone for this , how can I when I am the one who doesn't try, I just can't.  I don't know what keeps me from saying things outloud but something does.

*deep sigh* :/

-

THANK YOU for reading and SORRY for wasting your time.

Hello, my love.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

I just want to start with something simple - I'm ready to beat the shit out of people who have been ignorant and unkind towards you. So, just keep that in mind.

Alright now.

You remind me a little of Alec, you know? You say you can't express things easily and here you are coherently and patiently explaining something that is troubling you. I see you, little Alec!

If you are having trouble talking to those around you, that's okay. Sometimes it's not that we don't know how to say things, but we get more worried about what would happen if those words leave our mouth. So, we don't talk. We pretend like we don't know how to. Or we tell ourselves that we don't have to. You talk when you feel like it. You express your feelings when you feel ready. There is no rush.

Acne doesn't make a person not beautiful. Gaining weight doesn't make someone not pretty. The funny thing it is very common for women to experience both - especially when they are stressed. So, if someone is making you feel bad about experiencing something like acne and putting on weight, then they are just stupid. They don't understand biology.

A side note that acne and weight gain (along with some other symptoms) are often connected to hormonal imbalances. This is why we notice girls feeling bloated or having pimples when they get their period. It's natural. It's science. There are many women who experience conditions such as POCS which leads to such symptoms too. If there is a medical issue, taking medication does help. If this is something you want to learn more about and understand better, I'm happy to take you through it since it's something I focus on at work.

Every time you remember something someone said about you that wasn't kind just tell yourself their opinion doesn't matter. Because that's all it is. It's just an opinion - one that you didn't even ask for.

As for the chocolate....Sometimes chocolate can increase acne and as we know sweets can contribute to weight gain. Perhaps one of the reasons you don't want to eat it anymore is because somewhere in your mind you believe that you shouldn't eat it anymore.

But fuck that. If it is something that makes you happy, then you are allowed to enjoy it. It's alright if you can't get back to enjoying chocolate right now. You can get there slowly. Until that, find yourself another comfort good. There is so much yummy stuff out there.

Just remember that you are so much more than what other people tell you - cause they don't see everything. They only see what they want to see. They see what they think is important. That is not who you are. Never let them tell you who you are.

Unless it's a doctor, no one is allowed to tell you what you should eat. Unless it's Magnus Bane, no one is allowed to tell you what you should look like or what you should do with your life.

If your parents don't appreciate you for who you are, that says more about them than it does about you. it's something they need to work on. You will find things to be happy about again. You will find things that will make you feel good. We can start trying by diverting your attention a little towards those and less towards those judgemental relatives (who once again I am happy to beat up <3 )

Start small. You could consider doing one thing - just one tiny thing - that makes you feel good every day. Just one thing. And we'll take it from there.

Also, you say you are not trying. You don't want to try. But here you are talking to me about how you feel. You are trying. And I think that's fucking amazing.

You know what I realised after the pandemic? Life is really too fucking short and unpredictable. So, letting judgmental adults and some acne determine who we are and how we should feel is a little scary. Fuck the relatives. Fuck the acne.

You do you.

All my love,

Dani x.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Eighty-Five

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut. 

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

You’re shaking while in line at the pharmacy, but Harry’s hand on the small of your back helps put you at ease. He still needed some makeup today, but his bruise was already starting to look better. You get the script filled and wait the fifteen minutes for it. You and Harry go out to the car, where Buster was waiting patiently like a good boy. You unscrew the cap on your water bottle and pop the pill bottle open. You look at Harry who gives you a reassuring smile. You take the pill and swallow it down.

“I don’t want anyone knowing about this. I know it’s more normalized now, but I don’t want anyone finding out that things have gotten this bad that I need this kind of help. I don’t even want my family to know.”

“Course, I won’t say anything. I’m really proud of you though. I know you think you’re losing control, or not strong, but you’re being so brave. You’re taking a lot of control back, and I think it takes a lot of strength to do what you’re doing.” He gives your hand a squeeze.

“Thanks Harry, that means a lot to me.” You smile at him.

“Let’s getcha t’work now, hm.” He turns back to look at Buster. “Wanna spend another day with mummy?” He yips at Harry. “Thought you might.” Harry kisses you on the cheek and puts the car in drive.

//

Between your period and the meds, you felt all out of whack. You weren’t sure if going out Saturday night was such a good idea, but you didn’t want to disappoint Seth or Isaac. They were both so excited, and you’d be damned if you let either of them down.

You put on a pair of white jeans with a few rips in them, and a blue short sleeve crop top. You leave your hair down, and straight, and put all your jewelry on. Harry was wearing a pair of tan trousers, a white tank top tucked in, and a floral short sleeve shirt.

“Aw, you look handsome sweetie.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m getting….Miami vibes.” You gesture to his outfit.

“Good, s’what I was goin’ for.” He grabs your face and kisses your forehead. Harry puts all of his rings and necklaces on, and grabs his wallet. “Come on, lovie, we need to go pick Isaac up.”

You both say goodbye to Buster and tell him to be a good boy. You pick Isaac up, and he looks as cute as a button.

“Oh my god, I can’t wait to meet him. You really think he’ll like me?”

“What’s not to like?” You say to him.

You pull up to the adult arcade and the boys head inside. You said you’d wait outside for Seth. Isaac and Harry put their name in for a table. You thought it would be good to eat and talk first before hitting up all the games. You see Seth’s car pull up, and smile when he gets out. He had a black t-shirt on paired with some nice jeans. A classic for him. He smiles and waves when he sees you. You both wrap your arms around each other and Harry squints at the scene from inside.

“Remember, he’s interested in me.” Isaac says.

“Mhm.”

“It’s so good to see you!” Seth says to you. “So happy we could finally do this.”

“Same here, and me too. Been a long time coming, thanks for being so patient. Harry and Isaac are inside seeing what tables are available.”

“Perfect, let’s head in.”

You put your hand on the small of his back and lead him inside.

“Seth, this is Isaac, Isaac this is Seth.”

They both shake hands and say hello.

“Hi, Harry.” He shakes his hand too. “Good to see you again.”

“Yeah.” Harry smiles a crooked smile at Seth.

You’re all seated in a booth, and Harry drapes an arm over your shoulders. You hoped Seth and Isaac wouldn’t mind sitting next to each other, you just needed to be close to Harry right now. Seth turns to Isaac slightly.

“So how long have you know these two for?”

“Oh, well, I’ve worked Harry for a few years, now I work for him. He’s the best.” Isaac blushes. “And I met Y/N a few months after they started dating. She started coming by to meet him for lunch. I used to live for it, she’d scare the shit out of our little interns.”

“Ugh, gag me.” You say. “I don’t ever want to think about them ever again.”

“Agreed.” Harry smirks.

A waitress comes over and take your drink orders. You look at Harry after Seth orders a beer and Isaac orders a cocktail.

“We’ll both just have seltzers with lime.” Harry smiles at the waitress and she nods. He looks at the two of them. “We drank a lot all last week…still recovering.” They both nod.

“Makes sense. It’s hard to go on these benders now. After the fourth I needed like three days to recover.” Seth laughs.

You all order some apps you can share and pick at while you talk. Seth explains to Isaac what he does for work and Isaac seems like his in a trance. It’s hard not to be. You used to be able to listen to Seth talk for hours. He had one of those deep, raspy voices. Sort of how Harry’s voice can be early in the morning. He talks about certain tattoos, the when and why. He talks about his lip piercing and he dreads the day he inevitably will part with it. Isaac talks about how content his is just being an admin. He loves doing what he does every day. Harry really talks Isaac up too. He explains how he just had to have him work for him.

All in all it was a good dinner. Things didn’t seem all that awkward, which you were grateful for.

“So did you two meet early on in college?” Isaac asks you.

“Yeah, like, sophomore year I think…”

“Mhm, and then you and Rachel went off to California second semester.”

“Which allowed you to get nice and close with Sarah.” You sneer at him. He flips you off and you laugh. “Just teasing.” You put your hands up.

“You’re always just teasing.” He smirks.

You square up the checks and walk over to the games. You and Harry hang back to let Isaac and Seth go off on their own. You watch as they play ski ball together and giggle. They seemed to be having a pretty good time, just as you hoped. You and Harry go over to play the basketball game. Just as you shoot a basket he grabs you by the shoulders and kisses you.

“Harry!” You pull away. “What are you doing?”

“We had our second date here. We were standin’ right here, and I couldn’t even shoot my baskets because I couldn’t stop lookin’ at yeh. I remember your shirt lifted slightly and I noticed this little thing.” He runs his thumb over your naval piercing.”

“A lot’s happened since then, huh?”

“Yeah.” He presses his forehead to yours. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You kiss him quickly.

Isaac and Seth notice the scene.

“That happen often?”

“Oh god with them? All the time. Harry’s a really passionate guy.”

“Good, she deserves that.”

“Now that we’re alone, I need to ask, you really don’t care at all that someone you used to sort of be with-“

“I’ll stop you right there, cause I know where you’re head’s at.” He chuckles. “That girl was one of my best friends, right?” Isaac nods. “We had a ton of classes together, she helped me study. She was great. And then…we did what a lot of kids in college do. We hooked up. It was easy, and fun. I cared for her, adored her really.” He smirks. “But…I never…had those feelings for her.” He looks back over at you and Harry, then back to Isaac. “You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I totally get it.” He smiles. “Just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any competition.” He nudges Seth.

“Not at all…and, uh…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m not really talking to anyone else at the moment either, just so you know.” Isaac blushes.

“Me…neither.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

“Wanna go pinball?”

“God, I’m terrible at pinball.”

“Well, I’ll help you out.”

You and Harry were in the middle of playing some random game when you look over to seeing Seth standing right behind Isaac, his hands over his, pressing the buttons on the game. It was the cutest fucking thing you’d ever seen.

“Harry, look at them.” You point.

“I have to say, that’s a pretty smooth move…respect.” You burst out laughing and nudge him.

Towards the end of the night the four of you re-group. You all agreed it was a lot of fun. Seth shakes Harry’s hand again, and gives you a hug.

“Beautiful as ever.” He says into your ear, and you smile.

“So…Seth said he could take me home…so I’m gonna let him.” Isaac tells the two of you and Harry’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Um…alright then. Have a good rest of your night.” As you’re walking out, lost in chat with Seth, Harry grabs Isaac by the back of his collar and pulls him aside. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“What…what do you mean?”

“I mean, like, are you gonna take him back to your place and…you know?”

“Harry.” Isaac laughs. “Why do you care?”

“Because I wanna make sure you’re alright, you barely know him.”

“He seems very sweet. I don’t know where the night’s gonna take us. I just know I’m not ready for the night to be over yet. I wanna keep getting to know him.”

“Yeah, well, how well do you wanna know him?” Isaac looks over to see you and Seth laughing about something. “I’d like to know what that ass looks like outta them jeans, I can tell ya that much.”

“Jesus.” Harry runs a hand over his face. “S’not too fast?”

“I’ll tell you what. Monday morning I’ll fill you in on all the juicy details.” He leans in a little closer. “We can compare notes on how we like it.” Harry’s face turns red, and Isaac bursts out laughing. “Relax, Harry. Haven't told anyone about your little secret, and I don’t intend to. Like I said, I just wanna keep getting to know him. I appreciate you looking out for me.”

Harry nods and they both walk the rest of the way to meet up with you and Seth. Harry watches Isaac get into Seth’s car and drive away.

“What did you say to him?” You ask Harry.

“I just…wanted to make sure he was alright, that’s all.”

“You’re so sweet on him.” You squeeze his hand. “I promise, he’s in good hands.”

“Well, you’d know.” He snorts. You take your hand away and cross your arms. “Shit! I didn’t mean it like that, Y/N!”

“No? How exactly did you mean that?”

“I just meant, like, you know how good of a guy he is, I wasn’t talking about-“

“Mhm, sure you weren’t.” You huff.

“I swear!” He sighs. “Please, we had such a nice night, let’s not get like this.”

“Like what?”

“Mad at each other.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Yeah you are!”

“You know, when I found out about you and Myk, I never said a goddamn word. I brushed it off. But I have a past with someone, and it’s like…you just can’t let it go.”

“Y/N, I swear, I did not mean it like that.” He rests his hand on your thigh. “I didn’t mean for it come off that way, I promise.” You feel tears prick at your eyes. Fucking meds, fucking hormones. He squeezes your thigh.

“Okay.” You breathe. “I believe you.”

“You do?”

“Yes.” You put your hand over his. “I’m sorry.” You start sobbing. “I feel like I’ve been trying to hold it together all day, and now…”

“Baby, it’s alright.”

“You don’t always need to be so understanding, you know? It’s okay to be frustrated with me.”

“But I’m not frustrated.” He shrugs.

“Even when I get like this? I’d be fucking exhausted if I had to deal with me all day. Oh wait, I do and I am.” Harry sighs heavily, and parks the car in the garage of your building. He turns to look at you.

“You’re making steps to make yourself better, and I know this. I understand it. Neither of us have any idea what this medication is doin’ to yeh, not really. We won’t know for a few weeks until you level out. You need to give yourself a break. Don’t feel like you need to hold it together for my sake.”

“But you can’t be my punching bag. I don’t wanna flip out on you.”

“So don’t flip out. Cry if you need to and I’ll be right there to hold you.” He kisses your hand and you both get out of the car. He wraps his arm around your waist as you head up. “I’m in this with you, have been from the beginning. If I didn’t want it, I would have copped out a long time ago, you have to know that.” You key into your place and greet your tired little boy.

“I do know that. And I feel so lucky to have all your support, Harry…” You both go into the bedroom. “I just feel like you’re always taking care of me, like it’s not 50/50, like it’s not an equal partnership.”

“It’s plenty equal, don’t start with this again.” He sighs and puts his hands on your shoulders. You look down at your feet. “Look at me.” You slowly meet his gaze. “I hate when you get in your head like this. We take care of each other.” He smiles at you reassuringly.

“Okay.” You smile back.

You both do your nightly routines and get into bed. Your phone goes off with a text notification.

Seth: I’m seeing him again tomorrow, going to brunch…I like him.

You: Are you still with him????

Seth: No…was a perfect gentleman actually. We talked in the car for a bit, and then I walked him up to his door.

You: Goodnight kiss?????

Seth: wouldn’t you like to know ;p

You giggle, and Harry looks at you.

“Who’s that?”

“Oh, it’s just Seth. He’s seeing Isaac for brunch tomorrow.” You smile at him.

“Oh that’s great! So he’s not still there?”

“Nope.”

“Good.”

“Harry, they’re both adults, if they wanted to…extend their evening then that would’ve been their choice.”

“I know, I just feel protective over Isaac and I didn’t wanna see him get pumped and dumped.”

“Pumped and dumped?!” You burst out laughing. “Jesus, Harry, that’s vulgar.” Harry laughs too. “Besides, how do you know Isaac wouldn’t be the one-“

“M’not havin’ this conversation.” He shivers. “Don’t need to think about that at all.” He looks at you. “Would you, um, spoon me tonight?”

“I’d be happy to.” You set your phone down and Harry turns the lights off. He rolls over and you hold him close to you.

You loved nothing more than nuzzling in close to his back. He always smelled so good.

//

Aunt Flow graciously left Sunday morning, and you were beyond grateful. You and Harry hadn’t gotten intimate since your black out. His cheek was all healed up, and you were happy to have a Sunday to just spend time with him. After a shower, you come out to the balcony to see him sitting with Buster and a cup of coffee.

“Hi baby.” He says to you. You sit down on one of his legs, getting comfy in his lap. He wraps his arms around your waist. “How’s my baby girl?”

“Good.” You nuzzle into his neck and plant light kisses on his sun-kissed skin. “Miss you.”

“Miss me?” He’s playing with you. He knows what you mean. “But I’ve been right here.” You look up at him with your big eyes.

You tug at his shirt and pout at him. He chuckles and kisses your forehead.

“Are yeh askin’ me t’take you inside, little girl?” Your mouth parts. “Just let me finish my coffee, hm?” You curl up in his arms while he sips on his coffee. It was a shame to waste such a beautiful morning inside.

Harry sets his mug down on the glass table outside, and picks you up bridal style. He whistles at Buster so he knows to come inside. He plops down on his dog bed while Harry takes you into the bedroom. He lays you down and just looks at you. You were wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers. A habit you had gotten into on the weekends.

“Why are you the cutest thing in the world?” He climbs on the bed and straddles you. He takes his shirt off and tosses it to the floor. “No answer?”

“I don’t know.” You giggle. “Just am, I guess.”

“Just am?” He leans down and plants kisses all over your face. “Guess that’s a good enough answer.”

You continue to giggle as he’s sweet on you. He pulls your shirt up just over your breasts and leaves wet kisses on them. He kisses down your belly and tugs the boxers down.

“Maybe just use your fingers, I showered and all, but it like just ended so…”

“Noted.” He chuckles.

He pulls the boxers all the way off you and tosses them to the floor. He lightly strokes your slit with his middle finger as you part your legs a little more for him. He sucks on one of your nipples. You’re not getting as wet as you usually do though.

“Babe?” He looks up at you and lets go of your nipple. “Could we use some lube? Think I’m a little dry after my shower.”

“Sure, hun.”

He gets up and goes into the drawer and grabs the bottle of lube. He puts some on his fingers and warms it up. He slides his middle finger in you slowly and you groan with pleasure.

“Thank you.”

He smiles and goes back to sucking your nipple while he slips another finger inside. He curls them both up and you grind into his touch.

“Harry.” You moan his name as your back arches slightly.

He pumps in and out of you, going knuckle deep, and you gasp when he hits that spot.

“There it is.” He smirks.

You bite your bottom lip as he continues to hit it, getting you closer and closer. You grip the sheets when you feel your stomach start to tighten.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” Your head was thrashing back and forth.

“That’s it baby.”

“Harry!”

You release onto his fingers and he continues to pump slowly as you go through the motions. He pulls his fingers out and wipes them on his chest. Your cheeks were flushed, but you had a smile on your face. You reach up to palm him through his boxers.

“Can I have this now?”

“Greedy little thing this mornin’.” He chuckles and takes his boxers off.

“Just wanna be as close as possible, dolly.”

He smiles and spreads your legs back apart. He rubs himself against your clit and you whimper. You were soaked for him now. He slides into you slowly, inch by inch and your head rolls back into the pillow. He lifts the shirt all the way off you, leaving no barriers between the two of you.

“C’mere.”

He snakes his arms under your back, and he pulls you up so you’re sitting on him. He sits cross legged, and you wrap your legs around his waist. He kisses you while his hands on your ass start to move you up and down on him. It was slow and sensual, and exactly what you needed right now. This was love making on a whole other level. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and help yourself move on him. You bury your head in his neck while he continues to do most of the work, not that he minded.

“I love you so much.” You say into his ear.

“I, fuck, love you too.”

“You’re my everything, Harry.” His hands press into you harder. God, he loved it when you said that.

“You’re mine.” He groans.

You rubbing up against him in the perfect way. You knew you were going to come again soon. You kiss on his neck and bite down when you feel it approaching faster and faster. He could feel his orgasm bubbling at the base of spine. Having you pressed against him like this was so nice, and he loved being this deep inside you. He moans your name a few times, and this sends you over the edge. You bite down on him harder as you release around his cock. When he come shoots up inside you, you cry out and so does he.

You cup his face in your hands and kiss him. Your tongue slips into his mouth and his molds to yours. You start giggling and he pulls back to look at you.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, you just taste like coffee.” You kiss him again and raise yourself off him.

You both go clean yourselves up. You throw on a pair of shorts and graphic T, and he does the same.

“What do you feel like doin’ today?”

“I don’t know.” You shrug. “We did all our shopping and meal prepping yesterday…”

“Why don’t we take Buster to the park across from the studio? We could bring a tennis ball, let him get some exercise.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea!” You look at Buster and he perks up. “C’mere baby, mummy and daddy are gonna take you to the park.” He yips and comes trotting over.

You pack a backpack with some treats, a water dish, and a large bottle of water. You grab some sunscreen and your sunglasses. Harry puts his snapback on, and you both hit the road. You and Harry did a very good job with training Buster that you knew he didn’t need a leash at the park. He would never run away.

Harry takes the tennis ball out of your backpack and tosses it to Buster who catches it in his mouth.

“You boy!” You exclaim, making him wag his tail.

He comes over drops the ball at your feet. You pick it up and toss it a little farther for him so he can run and go get it. Harry takes his phone out and takes a video of you throwing the ball and Buster running up to you with it. When Buster feels a little tired you take out his water dish and pout some water in it for him to lap up. You and Harry sit down on the grass and he lays at your feet.

“Need to take him to the groomer again, his hair grows in so quick.” You say and Harry nods.

“I could just shave him, I’ve got the clippers at home.”

“Oh but he likes the groomer.” You look at Buster. “Right baby? You like to see Daniel at PetSmart?” Buster yips at him. “See?” Harry chuckles and rubs Buster’s belly.

“Feelin’ hungry at all? I could go grab us somethin’ quick across the street. Nice smoothie place down there.”

“Sure! That’d be great baby, thanks.” Harry grabs his wallet and jogs across the street. Buster sits up to watch him. “Don’t worry baby, daddy’s just going to grab us a snacky.” You pet his head and he lays back down.

Harry returns shortly with two smoothies and you kiss him on the cheek as a thank you.

“It’s so nice out today.” He says sipping on his drink.

“I know! Not too humid either, thank god.”

You both stay a while longer, tossing the tennis ball to Buster a few times, letting him just run around to his heart’s desire. You go home a little before dinner. You and Harry decide to grill some veggie burgers and eat outside. It was perfect. You loved your life with him more than anything in the world.

“Harry?” He hums his response. “Would you say technically next month we’ll have been together a year? Or would you say October since that’s when we became official?” You put official in air quotes.

“My inner psycho says our first date is our anniversary.” You burst out laughing and nod your head.

“That must make me a psycho too.”

“I’d say by our second or third date I knew I wasn’t goin’ anywhere.” He smirks. “Yeh had me from the get go.”

“Oh stop it.”

“I mean it! I certainly didn’t want anyone else to have you.”

“I can’t believe it’s almost been a year, it flew by.”

“Just cause we’ve been havin’ so much fun.” You both giggle. “I feel like I can’t even remember what my life was like without you in it sometimes.”

“I feel the same way.” You twiddle your thumbs in your lap. “Or when I remember what my life was like before you were in it, I sort of feel sad.” You look up at him. “Like, I was constantly living with a fake smile on my face, pretending I was okay for everyone else’s sake.” You reach out for his hand and he gives it to you. “Not that it’s your job, but you make me better Harry.”

He takes your hand and kisses it.

“You make me better too. I honestly didn’t think I was capable of loving someone.” Both of your eyebrows raise. “I know you find that hard to believe, but I’ve never really been in love before, and I’ve never really been a good boyfriend before either. You brought out somethin’ good in me.”  

He rubs his thumb over your bare left ring finger. In a month or so he’d be getting down on one knee and asking you to officially spend the rest of your life with him. He had the upmost confidence you’d say yes. You were made for him. He spent his whole life waiting for you, and he was never going to let you go.

[reliciron]

Exploring Arcann’s Romance: Part 2

Alright, now on to the arguably more fun idea: he was interested in your character from the beginning or at least while he was still the villain.

Part 1 here

Admittedly, this option is much newer to me (though I’m not sure why I didn’t occur to me before), but the possibilities are very interesting.

I like some pre-existing structure. Thinking up missing scenes in the existing content is easier for me because I have a definite starting and stopping situation. If my character just came from a cutscene on the bridge of the Gravestone, and the next cutscene is in the Dark Sanctuary of the ship, then its easy to write what happens in the middle. I know where they were and I know where they need to be by the end. When the gap is too large, like between the end of KotET and the start of Iokath, I don’t really know what to do with myself and the possibilities overwhelm me, turning my scenes into a disjointed mush. So this option is actually very appealing to me (on top of extending that sweet, sweet pining).

Of course, when I say that he was interested in your character while he was a villain, I don’t mean that he was actually pining per-say, so much as his obsession with you was not just out of hatred. And as weird as it may be, I think it was Valkorian that spurred that interest.

Yeah, I know, Valkorian playing cupid is a really disturbing image, but he did sow the seeds of what would eventually be your romance.

When we first meet Arcann, he’s pretty dismissive of you. Even when he’s saying that your past accomplishments are “impressive” it’s still with a mocking tone, and when he tells you to “come along” it’s like he’s speaking to an errant child. As if he’s annoyed at the very idea that he has to babysit a prisoner, like some lowly guard.

He clearly doesn’t think much of you.

The exact moment he starts taking you seriously is when Valkorian extends his hand to you, giving you respect and asking that you join him.

Like I talked about in part 2 of my Redeeming Arcann posts:

Arcann trained for years, went through battle after battle for months, lost him arm, murdered his brother, just to be extended the same courtesy.

As far as he’s concerned, you’re just some asshole who did some cool stuff waaaaaaay over there. Prior to the destruction of Marr’s ship, Arcann didn’t even know you existed, and you haven’t even met Valkorian, yet he’s treating you like he’s known you for years. Like he’s been eagerly following your exploits, while Arcann was just doing what Valkorian expected of him.

It clearly enrages him. Lucky for us that rage is directed (rightfully) at Valkorian.

Still, Valkorian acknowledging your strength made Arcann take a second look at you. If you were so awesome that his father immediately treated you with respect, than you were clearly someone to watch out for. And that is were his interest starts.

Of course that interest is definitely later bolstered by the fact that Valkorian took up residence in your head, but he didn’t know that at the time (I think? I’m not entirely sure but we’re going with it).

He didn’t kill you. It would’ve been easier to kill you right then and there in the throne room. But he didn’t. You were interesting enough that he froze you rather than put you to death.

When you escape, he’s incredibly pissed, and I think a decent portion of the ‘anger’ we see then is actually fear. We know that our PC is the ultimate badass, but all he knows is what he read in the records of Marr’s ship. As far as we know at least.

Its been 5 years. He probably had his hands full at first when he conquered the Republic and Empire. But after that it was just day to day stuff, which he clearly didn’t care much about. You cannot tell me that he never looked you up in all that time. With how worried he was when you escaped, he had to know more about you than a basic list of titles and accomplishments.

It’s one thing to do great things when you have a decent support and power structure, but doing great things when you have nothing is an entirely different beast. He wouldn’t have known that the Outlander would be capable of doing damage as a nobody unless he read up on how you accomplished the things you did.

It’s the difference between knowing that you won the Great Hunt, and knowing that you did it in spite of a powerful foe blocking your way at every turn and only having like two people at your back.

The first one is impressive, the second one is scary.

Every time he has you cornered in KotFE, you manage to squirm away, doing further damage on your way out. He consistently underestimates you, and every time it happens he gets more and more angry. That’s why he’s so pissed by the Battle of Odessen that he’s willing to ignore Scorpio.

You challenge him. And as much as he hates you for it at some level I think he’s also intrigued by it.

Why does this person keep fighting him? Why does nothing seem to phase them? How did they get this strong? (This one is probably even more upsetting to him when the character is solidly light-side. He’d done a lot of terrible things to become this powerful and he definitely looks down on light-side choices as ‘weak’, so why is this ‘weak’ person able to challenge him? And if they are able to get this strong from the light-side, were all the things he’d done truly necessary?)

“When we first met all those years ago, I felt threatened by you. But now I see that I admired you even then – and it angered me.” - In-game Message

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Ok, best part, once he’s aware of his feelings for you, how does he act? And what is he like post-confession and into a relationship?

(Everything in this analysis is subjective, but I’ve been trying to leave room for other people’s interpretations. This part is going to be heavily biased in favor of how I read him as a character. If this isn’t how you see him, that’s perfectly fine, maybe this can just get you thinking about it.)

Alright, here we go.

Arcann screams ‘unsure’ to me more than anything else.

Why did the Commander spare him? What does the Commander think of him? What is expected of him in the Alliance?  How does he even begin to atone for his past? WHY IS THE COMMANDER SO NICE TO HIM?!?!

He is also positively drowning in self-hatred.

Which unfortunately means that once he realizes he has feelings for the Commander, he likely makes the decision that he won’t tell them. Ever.

He doesn’t deserve to have feelings for anyone. Least of all the person he tried killed several times.

He should be happy that he is allowed to be in the Alliance. Happy that he can use is abilities to protect them, instead of hurt them. Happy just to be near them.

The poor bastard probably has zero people skills beyond intimidation. And intimidating is the last thing he wants to be now. So there’s going to be a long period of awkwardness where he wants to be closer to them, maybe even friends, but really doesn’t know how. He’ll come across as stilted and there will be a lot of long awkward silences. Of course he’s a very smart man, so he’ll know that he’s  being awkward, which then leads to him getting frustrated with himself. We’ll see a little flicker of his old temper, not enough to be scary, but our character might not know whether that anger is focused at them or not. He’ll be hesitant and cautious, and will often fall back on submission. (Thanks, Valkorian). It will take time for both parties to get on the same page, and the Commander will need to be patient and do a lot of work to drag him out of his shell.

I foresee some talks with Senya. Probably for both Arcann and the Commander, but never at the same time. Poor, long suffering, Senya.

Once, he’s more comfortable, he might start doing things for them. Little sweet things, that are still safely within the boundaries of ‘friend things’ (at least as far as he understands, I don’t think he’s ever had a friend that wasn’t a sibling). I can see this sort of gifting behavior as a subtle I’m-not-trying-to-court-them-this-is-what-friends-do-RiGhT?! behavior. This culminates with the armor he gives you in the canon confession scene (assuming you include it).

Giving you armor, especially ‘to ensure you’re always protected’, just screams ‘I like you’ in big neon lights. And I personally love the idea that in Zakuulan culture, it IS a confession of romantic intentions. He just assumes the Commander doesn’t know that, so he can confess without actually confessing.

Ok, however you did it, they’re together.

I think he’d be borderline timid in the beginning.

Personal Headcanon is: Arcann had never been in a relationship before. Sex, yes. But not a relationship. Given what Valkorian says in his voice over during the KotFE trailer, I seriously doubt that he would have let them have enough freedom and down time to be able to have one. Especially since forming a strong attachment to someone else would threaten Valkorian’s power over them. So in addition to him just generally being unsure of himself, he also has zero experience in the relationship department.

He’s rarely completely out of his depth, so this would probably be a source of anxiety for him. He loves the Commander so much, but he’s so scared of doing something wrong and driving them away.

There will need to be some talks and comforting on your character’s part, letting him know that there really isn’t a ‘right’ way and that they’ll figure things out as they go along. That there will always be some hiccups in a relationship, but that’s OK and not the end of the world.

His insecurity about his looks will probably surface again, in one way or another. I mean, he wore a mask for years because he was so uncomfortable with people seeing his scars. And I think he left the mask behind, not because he’d come to terms with his appearance, but because he knew that his masked face had more or less become the symbol of his tyranny and he wanted to distance himself from it (along with being less recognizable while he was running around the galaxy). So I don’t think he’s really accepted his facial scars, let alone the scarring around his cybernetic arm. The arm will also be a source of anxiety for him, since most cybernetics seem to be stronger than the original limb. He might worry about accidentally hurting his new partner, either by gripping to tight, or by catching skin or hair in the joints of his fingers. You’ll also have to decide if his cybernetics are detachable (so he might take it off before sleeping), or if they’re permanently attached and can only be removed by a specialist. Does he do maintenance himself, or does he have someone else do it? Does your Commander have training in cybernetics and can therefore help him?

He’ll be very aware of what others think of his relationship with the Commander, and what it may cost them to be with him. I can see them keeping the relationship secret for a while, until its a little less new, and a little more comfortable. Then they’d let the inner circle know. Then the rest of the Alliance. There won’t be any official announcement, they just won’t hide it anymore.

Of course, I think Arcann will generally be less affectionate in public. There will be little things, like guiding them with his hand on their lower back, hugs, hand holding, but there won’t generally be kisses unless he’s worried enough to forget everyone who could be watching. The poor bastard is probably extremely touch-starved, so I bet he’ll really be into any affectionate touches the Commander will give him in private. For a while though, the Commander will likely be the one initiating things, until he feels secure enough in the knowledge that his touch truly is wanted.

Down the line, he’ll eventually come out of his shell more. He’ll be more confident, and openly protective (not to a controlling degree). I feel like this period is even more up to you, as it depends even more heavily on your perception of Arcann and what fanfic events you’ve put him through to get here.

One Quick Note About Alien Races:

It could be that I missed something, but I get the feeling that aliens are a new thing to Zakuul. That Nautolan chick who serves Scorpio seems to have immigrated there while we were frozen, and the only other alien that I remember seeing as a Zakuulan citizen was that random Bothan lady with the rebels in the beast pit of Vaylin’s party. I’m guessing that she’s an immigrant too, because other than those two, I don’t remember any other aliens there. I know the higher ups were AWARE of the greater galaxy, they just thought it was a backwater nowhere compared to them and saw no reason to poke around. I’m not sure the general population was aware, since they seem so blissfully ignorant to just about everything.

So I headcanon that aliens were pretty much unknown to most of them. Assuming that, I’d say the first time Arcann met aliens was on those battles Valkorian sent him on. ‘testing’ the Republic and Empire. He clearly didn’t have aliens on staff, so his contact with them has been minimal.

I like thinking about this because it adds another layer of ‘what the fuck do I do’ when he’s pining for, and eventually in a relationship with, the Commander. I’m not saying he’d be racist towards them, I’m just saying there’d be room for some cultural misunderstandings, and that he’d be extra worried about it. Even more fun if he’s ignorant of some of an alien’s natural abilities, like a Nautolan’s ability to sense people’s emotions, or a Cathar’s advanced senses. Cause once he finds out, we’d get the added horror of him realizing that he might’ve given his feelings away in a way that he hadn’t even anticipated or been able to control.

By the time Arcann and the Commander get together, dating aliens must’ve become a thing in Zakuul. It’s been over 5 years, and if Mass Effect has taught me anything, it takes exactly 0.6 seconds for humans to be DTF an alien.

It’s just one more facet of their relationship to explore, that’s all.

Ok, I think that’s it, any more and I’ll feel like I’ll be talking in circles. This has been more of a stream of consciousness thing, so hopefully it made sense and wasn’t too boring. One last time, this is all my own perception of Arcann and how I would approach a romance with him in a fanfic. If you guys have anything to add or any contrasting ideas I really would love to hear them.

Part 1 here.

[gore-hovnd]

Jack loses his medication and starts showing symptoms of a mental disorder during a mission, he becomes violent and Brock wanna stops him without hurting him.

Temper Tantrum

Only fifteen minutes in and Brock was pretty sure that airports were among some of the worst places on the planet. And this was coming from a guy who’d been in active war zones. It was loud,⁠—even that early in the morning⁠—their flight wasn’t going to leave for another two hours, and somehow everything was sticky. 

“Why couldn’t we just take the quinjet, again?” He yawned, trying and failing miserably to keep the whine from his voice. His commander looked back to Brock over his newspaper with a quirked brow and a smirk on his face that said, ‘is it really that bad?’

It was Commander Marcus Diaz’s final mission with STRIKE Team Alpha and he had one last lesson he wanted to teach Brock and his chosen Second in Command, Jack Rollins. 

“It’s an espionage mission, Rumlow. If we raise too much suspicion with an out of country aircraft, our target could go into hiding before we can get the information we want.” Diaz said patiently, as if Brock hadn’t asked the same question on two other occasions. 

Anxiety coursed through his veins, forcing his leg to bounce as they waited at the gatehouse. Somewhere behind him there was a baby crying and the only thing he could think of was that he’d lose his mind if they were on the same flight as that thing. Brock wasn’t opposed to people having kids, so long as the little crotch goblins stayed away from him. Even at his accomplished thirty five years of age, he wasn’t ready for kids. Wasn’t sure if he ever would be. So it was a good thing he was with Jack because that eliminated any and all possibilities of an “accident” happening. 

Glancing over, he watched as Jack fiddled with the hem of his sweatshirt, nervous energy seeming to radiate off of him in waves. And like responding to a signal from a beacon, Brock felt called to calm his partner. Leaning back in his chair, Brock quietly hooked one of his legs over Jack’s, ignoring it when the other glanced over at him but it seemed to settle him all the same. The two of them sat like that for the rest of the time they had to wait. 

Another thing for him to hate about airports was having to sit on the tarmac for another three hours with little to nothing to do because of “adverse weather conditions.” He could only scroll through his phone for so long without getting bored and instead, found himself asking Jack to read to him. Which Jack did happily.

Once the flight finally took off, Jack got drowsy rather quickly. He always did during transport, whether it be by car or quinjet, and Brock found that to be one of the most adorable things ever. But that left Brock with little to do. Diaz, of course, was booked in a first class seat that left the two lower ranking agents stuck in economy. It took everything in him not to smash his head through the window while having to deal with squealing toddlers and an obnoxious woman who was apparently able to complain about anything. 

By the time their flight landed and they pushed their way into yet another airport, they found themselves dealing with a rush period and getting out seemed to be just as hellish as getting in. He really wasn’t looking forward to the flight home on Sunday. 

Finding their bags was hard enough, the three of them standing at the claim for another thirty minutes just so they could stand outside for another hour waiting for the car to come pick them up. Brock thought that things would finally smoothen out at the hotel, but of course they didn’t. Because the second he stepped out of the bathroom he was hit with another strike of bad luck. 

“My lithium isn’t in here.” Jack said, a mild note of panic in his voice. Approaching, Brock tugged the backpack his way and dug through it himself. The two of them double then triple checked. But it wasn’t there. Emptying it all out, placing all of the contents neatly on the hotel bed for the fourth time, Brock sighed, running a hand through his hair as he shifted his weight to his right side. 

“You sure you packed it?” He asked and Jack just eyed him with frustration. 

“You know I did, you checked four times.” Jack grumbled and Brock found himself wrapping an arm around his partner’s shoulders, pulling Jack’s head to rest against his shoulder. 

“I know I did,” He murmured into Jack’s hair, thinking about what he was supposed to do. Jack needed his medication. It regulated his mood, kept him from exploding like a hot glass filled with cold water. The thought crossed his mind to update Diaz on the situation but he quickly decided against it. He was going to be the commander soon and Diaz wouldn’t be there to fix the things that went wrong. Brock knew he’d have to do it himself. So with a determined huff, he pulled Jack away to look at him. “We’re gonna take care of this, alright? Two days. We got it, you’ll be fine.” 

There was a moment of silence that past where they stared at each other, a weariness in Jack’s eyes as he glanced back down to the empty backpack. Brock leaned over to pick up the remaining pill bottle, holding it between them as his hand slid down to rest comfortably against the back of Jack’s neck. 

“You trust me?” Brock asked. 

“Always.” Jack said automatically. The two of them had been through this song and dance plenty of times to know the outcome. But they went through it again anyways because it never failed to reassure both of them, no matter how many times they’d done it. 

“Good. It’ll be fine, you’ll take the Prozac for now, we’ll call your doctor first thing when we get home.” He said with a curt nod. Situations like those always called for Brock to take the lead. Jack was still just a kid. Just barely into his late twenties, only been on the STRIKE team for a year before Brock was told he’d been promoted. Jack had a lot to learn, a lot to be afraid of. Brock had to be the one to guide them through while Jack figured out how to handle these kinds of things. And so far, their system worked well for them. 

That night, Jack took his pill and things seemed to be relatively normal up until right after breakfast. Diaz was going over the briefing again, making sure they were all on the same page with how they’d be approaching their target. 

“I don’t want either of you interacting with the target at all,” Diaz specified just as he had when the mission had first been brought up to them. “You’re here for learning, nothing else. So just try to-”

“Be unobtrusive, yeah we got it.” Jack growled low, the snap in his voice unlike anything Brock was used to. 

“Jack,” Brock warned, being met with intense green eyes that felt like they were boring holes into his skull. Swallowing hard he glanced up to Diaz who was looking at him with a stern look of expectation and all he could do was cough out a nervous laugh. 

“He’s jus’ tired. Won’t happen again, sir.” He promised and Diaz nodded, continuing his briefing. All the while, Brock could see Jack clenching and unclenching his jaw, like he was gearing up for a fight. 

As the trio of them headed out the door he couldn’t stop himself from asking if Jack had taken his medication that morning, unsatisfied as he watched Jack nod. But there wasn’t really anything else they could do, he couldn’t take a double dosage, it would likely do more harm than good. They’d just have to muddle through the day. 

Meeting up with the target was simple enough, Diaz using a cover as some scientist. He paid Brock and Jack no mind, prodding the man with simple questions at first, likely to get his guard down. As they stood, Brock could see Jack’s breathing level out into something shallow, rapid as he glanced around, trying to keep his attention from focusing on anything in particular. His hands were shoved in his pockets, his chest puffed up in an aggressive way. All it would take was one off handed comment. One ever so generously supplied by their lovely target. 

“What’s with the big guy?” the target scoffed, his accent painting his words in an almost incomprehensible way. Diaz seemed to falter, glancing to Jack for a moment before brushing it off. 

“Resting bitch face, you know how it is.” He tried to laugh off, gaining a laugh from the target. 

“He’d bitch for me, that’s for sure.” 

And that was it, that was all it took for Jack to snap. Brock didn’t understand the slur of Russian that left Jack’s mouth as he shoved the man into the ground but he didn’t need to to know that it was nothing but a flurry of threats that Jack most likely intended to fulfill. 

‘God fucking dammit!’ Brock’s thoughts screamed as he rushed forward, grabbing onto Jack’s raised fist. It took a minute for Brock to get Jack’s arm behind his back, his wrist between his shoulders, but he did it. Working his arm around Jack’s throat, Brock pulled his SIC back with as much strength as he was able. The hold was loose enough that Jack could probably get out of it if he was really trying to which was a definite weakness on Brock’s part. But he couldn’t bring himself to dislocate Jack’s shoulder or do anything that would actually hurt him. 

“Rollins, back to the car, now. ” Brock barked, his usual cool demeanor falling away as he shoved Jack toward aforementioned vehicle. Jack stared at him with a look of hurt, of confusion. But when Brock mouthed a silent ‘please,’ Jack did as he was told all the same. Brock followed suit, the two of them sitting in the back seat without a word.

Silence laid over them in the form of a thick tension as they waited for their commander to return, hopefully being able to patch things up with the target. Brock could see the two of them laughing together before Diaz returned to the car so he figured things were just fucking peachy which confused him. Usually a high risk man such as their target wouldn’t be so easy to calm down, at least, not from his experience. But he brushed it off, much more concerned with the earful he knew they’d be getting from Diaz. 

And damn, was it a good one. Jack didn’t fuck up often, but damn when he did it sure was a spectacle. Diaz was harping on them for a good two hours before he declared that he was going for a drink, that he’d decide on a punishment for Rollins at a later date. And then he just left the two of them alone to sit in the hotel room and stew in their thoughts. 

Jack had been quiet the whole time, staring at his hands in his lap. At first he still looked angry, like he was almost ready to fight again. But as time went on, regret blanketed his features and eventually, he looked up to Brock with those big, green, puppy dog eyes that just told him there was a guilty apology waiting at the tip of his tongue. Before he got the chance to say it, Brock pulled Jack into his arms, shushing him quickly as a bevy of ‘I’m sorry’s’ fell from Jack’s lips. 

“Hey, you’re okay, Jack. I gotcha, baby.” Brock sighed in his ear. Jack had a vice grip on the back of Brock’s shirt, to the point where he could’ve sworn he heard the fabric straining. But all he could do was focus on Jack. “Whatever happens, I’ll exonerate it. Okay? You’re gonna be okay, I promise.” 

With these words, Jack pulled back from him. His arms were shaking, eyes already reddened and dewy with tears that Jack refused to let fall. He shook his head and Brock stared at him, confused. 

“What if I fucked this up for you?” He asked, his broken voice hitched with remorse. Brock couldn’t keep himself from smiling a bit. 

“I’ll be fine,” Brock assured, pushing a few strands of stray hair from Jack’s eyes. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll take care’a both of us.”

Jack nodded, running a hand over his eyes as he calmed himself down. Somehow, he managed to get Jack to agree to take a shower and he sat there with his own devices, trying to figure out just how he would see his promise through. If Diaz reported Jack’s outburst to the higher ups, shit could hit the fan extremely quickly. Even in a commander’s position, he wouldn’t be able to do anything if someone higher than him ordered for Jack’s termination. Brock shuddered at the word. If they worked for anyone but HYDRA that thought wouldn’t be quite as scary. But sadly, they didn’t and even worse, it was. 

Just then, the door opened and Brock instinctively caught the object that was tossed to him. Turning the little pill bottle over in his hands he immediately glanced up to look at Diaz. 

“You took it?” He asked, thumbing over the label that read lithium: 900mg. Diaz shrugged a shoulder. Anger and confusion fused to create an awful bastard in his gut as he glared at his commander.

“You did good today, Rumlow.” Diaz said with a sigh, leaning against the doorframe and flicking his head toward the closed bathroom door. “On your mission.” 

“My mi-” He cut himself off, standing up and almost posturing the man. “I thought this was espionage. Gathering intel? The fuck does fuckin’ with Jack’s head have anythin’ to do with that?” 

Diaz only chuckled at the growl in Brock’s voice, shaking his head. Brock still wasn’t understanding. 

“It was a set-up, Rumlow.” Diaz finally said, readjusting his stance. “With high risk agents, such as Rollins, we need to know you can handle a situation quickly and efficiently. And you did. You really thought we were worried you wouldn’t be able to finesse information from a target?” 

Brock wished he could share Diaz’s amusement but he couldn’t, still confused on why they’d go through so much shit. He knew he could handle Jack, in every way, shape, and form. Meds or not, didn’t make a difference. Brock knew Jack, trusted him. Had it been him talking to the target, Jack would’ve never gotten involved. He shook his head again, shifting almost uncomfortably when Diaz placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Rollins is a valuable asset to the team. The two of you together are nothin’ short of unstoppable and we wanna keep you together but, we had to be sure you could manage your team.” Diaz sighed before straightening up. Brock nodded, still discomforted by how easily they’d played this off as a real mission. “Good to know you can do just that, Commander Rumlow.” 

With a wink and a mock salute, Diaz made his exit into his own room and Brock was left standing, alone. A small huff of relief left him. 

He’d be able to keep his promise after all. He and Jack would be just fine. 

[probably-writing-something-blog]

A line-by-line analysis of “The Archer” by Taylor Swift

Hello! Taylor released “The Archer” yesterday literally out of nowhere (love her for it, though) and ever since hearing it, I’ve wanted to sit down and really analyze it. I had a free moment today, so I did just that, and here it is. (I’m doing a “read more” cut because this is so long.)

“Combat/I’m ready for combat.”

Pretty simple, and the meaning is there. She’s ready to fight. As the song goes on, we’ll find out what she’s fighting for or against. Let’s keep going.

“I say I don’t want that/but what if I do?”

If you look at this from the last line, then she could be referring to combat/fighting. “I say I don’t want [to fight], but what if I do?” Which then alters the meaning of the first lines. She says she doesn’t want to fight – fighting in a general sense, fighting against herself/someone else, fighting for herself/someone else – maybe because it’s too stressful or maybe because in the past she has never won.

But then she says, “What if I [want to fight]?” What if she still wants to fight for herself, despite how it’s gone in the past? What if she wants to fight for someone else, despite how it’s gone in the past, despite her reputation? We can assume she’s talking about Joe here, sure, because we know he’s her boyfriend, but she also said this album is going to be the romantic side of everything in life, so that’s why I’m showing the different angles that this can be interpreted.

“‘Cause cruelty/wins in the movies/I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you.”

Cruelty and revenge and everything around the two make for good movies. Everyone loves drama (“I swear I don’t love the drama/It loves me”); it’s just a fact of how we are. But here she’s saying, that stuff wins in the movies. It doesn’t win out here, in real life. We know Taylor and we know she doesn’t have a single mean bone in her body. Being cruel is the last thing she ever wants to be. Cruelty doesn’t win.

She writes what she wants to say to the person. Because of the line before this one, we can assume these speeches could’ve been anywhere from “I have to say goodbye” speeches to “What are you doing? How are you still around?” speeches to “I love you so much” speeches. There are so many routes.

“Easy they come/Easy they go/I jump from the train/I ride off alone.”

These lines. Okay.

Friends, relationships, whoever – “Easy they come/Easy they go” – She’s saying it’s always been so easy for people to come and go in her life. Easy maybe in the sense of she thinks she isn’t extraordinary enough for them to want to stay, and easy maybe in the sense that it never hurts them to come and go as quickly as they do.

She jumps from the train, she rides off alone. This gave me the image of maybe a western or even science-fiction movie. Jumping from a fast-moving train, presumably because enemies were on the train or the train wasn’t going in the direction they wanted to go. She rides off alone, she’s the only one not wanting to be on the train anymore. She’s on her own again.

“I never grew up/It’s getting so old.”

I’ve seen a few people make comparisons to her song “Never Grow Up” and that alone has made me emo, but I think these two lines are so important.

On the reputation stadium tour, Taylor sang “Never Grow Up” and if I remember correctly, she shifted the lyrics to something along the lines of, “I know you have to grow up,” which was sad on its own. But hearing this song and these lines adds an entirely different feeling.

She never grew up, not really. She’s been in the industry since she was so young. I bet she feels almost like she didn’t really have a true childhood or adolescence period, and it makes sense.

She never got the chance to grow up. She just had to do it. She didn’t get to experience it as a process, she just had to be grown up and have a presence all of the sudden. No process, just be. And it’s getting old. She never had the chance to a “normal” coming of age period, and she misses that.

“Help me hold onto you.”

I’ll come back to this line, for sure.

“I’ve been the archer/And I’ve been the prey.”

She’s been the one to shoot her arrows before. To attack, to fight. But she’s also been the attacked, the hunted.

“Who could ever leave me darling…but who could stay?”

This line hits especially because for me, I see the first half of it as almost a small bit of confidence. That, “Who could ever leave someone like me? Who would want to?” And then in the second half, she remembers why. She remembers her life and how her past has been and she says, “Who could stay?” Because (and I know she’s talked about this before and said this) who would want to deal with the life she has? Who would want this? Who would volunteer for this?

“Dark side/I search for your dark side/But what if I’m alright right here?”

She’s seen the dark side of many people. I have too, so this I relate especially to. Having something good only for it to turn at what seems like the tick of a second. All of the sudden, it’s not as good as it was. And now that things are good, it makes sense for her to be searching for the bad, to be untrustworthy of the good because she’s seen the good turn bad too many times. She’s searching for the dark side, but what if there isn’t one? And what if she doesn’t want to search for it anymore? What if she’s content, right here? What if she’s finally content just letting the good things be?

I think it’s really powerful that she uses “What if?” because that shows that while she is beginning to be okay with it, there’s still that fear. She still has to wonder that this is just another time where the rug is about to be ripped out from beneath her feet. She wants to believe this is good, that there is no dark side to search for, but what if there is?

“And I cut off my nose just to spite my face/And hate my reflection for years and years.”

“Cutting off the nose to spite the face” is an idiom, perfectly used here with the literal line on the second half saying that after doing that, she hated her reflection. The expression actually refers to “a needlessly self-destructive over-reaction to a problem” which is something I also heavily relate to (I got the definition from Wikipedia).

Maybe she’s overreacted in the past. Cut things off too quickly with someone or locked herself away from any prospect of love (friendship or romantic) because she was too scared. Refusing love is self-destructive – something I’ve done. It’s cutting off your nose to spite your face, it’s tearing yourself down without needing to, it’s seeing a problem and thinking it can’t exist if you cut off every single avenue it could exist down, regardless of whether or not some are positive or that it could lead to something positive. It’s destroying yourself in the name of protecting yourself.

“I wake in the night/I pace like a ghost/The room is on fire/Invisible smoke.”

I’ve seen a couple people already refer to this as a line about anxiety, and I completely agree. Anxiety can make it seem like the room is literally on fire, when it isn’t (“invisible smoke” choking you, making it hard to breathe when there’s perfectly good air all around you to breathe). It can keep you up at night or it can wake you up in the middle of the night with no hopes of falling back asleep. It can keep you awake for days, depriving you of sleep, causing a ghostly appearance. It can do all of these evil things, and Taylor perfectly explained them here.

“And all my heroes die all alone/Help me hold onto you.”

A fear that my anxiety personally stems from is dying alone, so that’s why this line hits me hard. She doesn’t want to die alone. But she’s lost so many people. She needs him (assuming Joe) to help her hold onto him because she doesn’t want to die all alone.

“They see right through me/Can you see right through me?”

“They” can be referring to us, the fans, or it can be the media. Either way, the way she sings these lines only leads me to believe she doesn’t mean it in a positive way. It almost reminds me of Imposter Syndrome, where you’re always afraid you’re going to be found out. (Wikipedia describes it as “a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".”) That you’re not really who everyone thinks you are, or even who you think you are. And she’s worried that Joe can see right through her, can see that she’s not really who everyone says, or that she’s not as sweet as everyone thinks, or as loving, or as creative or intelligent. She thinks “they” see right through her, and she worries if he can, too.

“I see right through me.”

This has to be my favorite line from the entire song. This really rings true with Imposter Syndrome that I just mentioned. She sees right through herself. And the way she practically screams this line hurts my heart because I hear the exact emotion she’s feeling. I’ve felt it before, standing in front of my mirror at God-awful hours in the night. I see through myself. I don’t think I’m as smart or kind or talented or creative as everyone around me says I am. I see right through me. Right through me.

“All the king’s horses/All the king’s men/Couldn’t put me together again.”

These lines are from the English nursery rhyme “Humpty Dumpty” (I knew I recognized them somewhere!). And if you remember the story, Humpty fell from the wall. Shattered his shell as he hit the ground. The king’s horses and men couldn’t make Humpty who he was before. She’s saying she fell, shattered as she hit the ground, and no one could put her back together again, no one could make her who she used to be (“I’d like to be my old self again/but I’m still trying to find it”) no matter how hard they tried.

“‘Cause all of my enemies/started out friends/Help me hold onto you.”

This shows more of the worry of good turning bad. All of her enemies used to be her friends, or who she thought were her friends. They used to have good times, and then it all changed. But she doesn’t want that to happen with Joe. She wants him to stay good (let’s be honest, we all know he will; he’s an angel), she doesn’t want him to be another friend turned enemy. She wants to hold onto him and the good thing they have going.

“Who could stay? You could stay.”

This is the most touching turning point in the song. She’s asking herself that famed question. Who would want to stay? Who would want this? And then she’s remembering. Joe has stayed. He could stay. He could be the one to stay. All this time she’s been asking who, and it’s been you (him).

Alright, that is my line-by-line analysis. Just a reminder that this is all entirely my own speculation. The beauty of songwriting is that songs can be open to so many different interpretations, this is just what I hear when I listen to it xx.

[lemondice]

There are many people who play Magic: the Gathering as either a casual or competitive hobby, and there are many people similarly who play a great deal of board games, but despite both testing similar areas of strategy, there’s less crossover than you would expect.  Magic players are often so invested in the many facets of the game that they would rather play more Magic than play a different game, while board game players see Magic as expensive and inaccessible compared to the games they play.  Personally, I’ve played a lot of magic, having continuously played casually since I was 9 and having competitively played once or twice a week for a 2-3 year period in my early 20s.  I’ve also played a ton of Euro-style board games over the past decade and developed quite a collection.  So I thought it would be interesting to write about Magic from a board gamer’s perspective - how would it hold up if viewed as just another board game?  I’ll be writing this assuming you know nothing about Magic aside from a general idea of what a collectible card game is.

First, I’m going to explain why Magic has been so successful and why it has lasting appeal.  Second, I’m going to touch on a few of the most notorious negative aspects of the game of Magic, such as the financial cost and the luck factor. Finally, I’m going to list a few accessible ways to play Magic and describe how they would hold up as standalone board games.

Strengths

Magic: The Gathering has continued to release new content several times a year, every year for 26 years, and is currently selling more product than ever.  Why has it been so successful?  There are a few main answers.  For one thing, there’s a great deal of strategic depth in any given game.  If playing 1v1, almost every game features a huge number of decision points, any one of which might not matter but the collective whole of which will determine the winner.  A multiplayer setting is similar, but adds in significant political elements and dealmaking.  Even more importantly, with all those years of content, there’s a massive amount of strategic diversity.  Hundreds of thousands of cards have been made, and the vast majority have been designed in an open-ended enough fashion that there are constantly new combinations that can be put together and played with.  In addition, any one given 2-player game of Magic will typically last less than half an hour, giving it a big strategic punch in a short length of time.  I’ve played more hours of Magic by far than any other game, and it’s precisely because of that incredible depth.

Barriers to Entry

This section is going to ignore things that might dissuade someone from playing competitive Magic in, for example, a store, since it’s beyond the scope of this article.  I’m assuming you have a regular group of board game players or regular opponent and you’re wondering if Magic could be a fun experience for you.

Rules Knowledge

Magic has a reputation as a very complex game, which I think is partially deserved and partially undeserved.  It is deep to the extent that because of the constant release of new material and the sheer number of decisions encountered in the course of any one turn or any one game, even players who make their living playing Magic frequently find themselves faced with challenging choices.  On the other hand, compared to a heavy euro or a wargame, it’s very easy to pick up a starter deck, learn the basic rules of Magic, and play a simple deck at a solid level of skill.  I think if you are teaching just the core rules of the game with simple training decks, I would give Magic a weight of about 2.0 on the Boardgamegeek weight scale.  On the other hand, if playing a more complicated, full variant, I would increase that weight accordingly, but never going above a 3.0 or so - I think a couple that can handle Twilight Struggle can certainly handle learning Magic at its most intricate.  Magic also has a reasonably good depth payoff for its complexity.

Luck Factor

The way you play cards in Magic requires you to draw the correct land cards from your deck. Because of this, if you draw too many land cards and not enough creatures and other spells, you will likely lose, and the reverse is true as well.  As a result, even in a 2 player match between an incredibly skilled player and a fairly unskilled player, the unskilled player will have at least a 10-15% winrate.  This might be anathema to a euro player where games feature minimal luck and player interaction, and the most skilled player wins 99% of the time, but it is also easy to work around in a non-tournament setting.  Encouraging people to redraw their hands until they have a reasonable mix of lands and cards they can play would be infeasible in competitive, tournament play of Magic, but there’s no reason that something like it can’t be used for a group that trust no one’s going to use it to unfair advantage.  Alternatively, especially when playing 1v1, it can help to view the game like poker, where any one hand can come down to luck but the overall win percentage never lies.

Financial Cost

Competitive players who enter a ‘Standard’ tournament (playing an optimized deck, but only using cards printed in the last 2 years that are generally relatively cheap) will often have spent $300-500 on their deck, and that isn’t even the most expensive format!  Compared to a typical board game costing $40-80 dollars, a cost that only 1 person has to pay, that seems exorbitant - and it is.  However, we’ll see in my next section that many of the ways to play will cost much less than this and will more approach the cost of a standard board game.

Ways to Play

I’m going to break down a few accessible ways to play Magic without necessarily needing to compete in a financial arms race - I’ll describe each and explain the cost, complexity, replay value, and preparation needed for each.

Pre-Made Decks

Wizards of the Coast has several lines of products that contain either a pair of decks or a set of several decks, all designed to interact well with each other and lead to a balanced, competitive game.  You can buy however many of these as you have players, take them out of the box, and immediately play, either 1v1 or multiplayer.

Cost: $10-$30 per player, depending on the product line.

Complexity: 2.0-2.5, depending on the product line.

Replay value: Medium - you could certainly play many games and have each play out differently, especially with something like the Commander line of products.  However, if you only play with your own deck, you may get bored of the specific playstyle of that deck after 5-10 plays, depending on the product.

Preparation needed: Minimal - 1 person needs to pick up a set of the decks and bring them.

Drafting

The way a booster draft works is that 3 booster packs are needed for each player.  Much like 7 Wonders, the cards in the packs are drafted (each person is looking at a pack, then everyone simultaneously, secretly picks a card to keep and passes the remaining ones), so with 15 card packs everyone ends up with 45 cards each by the end.  They use approximately half of those cards, along with some provided basic lands, to build a 40 card deck, after which you can pair off with various people and play a series of 1v1 games or best-of-3 1v1 matches.

Cost: $10-15 per player per draft.

Complexity: 2.5

Replay value: Low - after an evening of playing with one draft deck, you’re probably going to be ready to move on and draft again, so this can be an expensive form of Magic.

Preparation needed: Minimal - you just need 3 booster packs per player and about 100 basic lands for everyone, which you can buy for $10 or less and re-use each time.

Cube Drafting

The actual gameplay of cube drafting is identical to drafting.  However, the biggest difference is that rather than each player opening 3 booster packs, each player forms their ‘booster packs’ by drawing 15 cards from a large common pool of cards (typically, the common pool contains around 360-720 cards).  After the entire cube draft is over, all of those cards return to the common pool, so a cube is much more like a traditional board game - only one person needs to own a cube, and it can be replayed over and over unlike a traditional booster draft.

Cost: $100-300 to construct a reasonable, fun cube (there are infinitely many places to spend more money throughout this process of course)  This is a total cost, unlike the others which had per-player costs - if you build a 360-card cube this way, it will work for up to 8 people.

Complexity: 2.5-3.0 (a cube will often end up containing a higher frequency of complicated cards with complicated interactions than a booster or premade product will)

Replay value: Very high - even a normal cube can be played over and over, and it’s incredibly easy to swap a small number of cards in or out of the common pool and completely change the player experience.

Preparation needed: A great deal - one person needs to foot the initial expense (or split it), research which cards they want to include, find and purchase all of those cards, and provide basic lands and possibly sleeves (if they have valuable cards they want to protect).

Hopefully this has encouraged some people who might be reluctant to dip their toes into the world of Magic.  It’s got some drawbacks, but overall it certainly is an incredibly rewarding and deep game.

[sansanficrec]

Q&A  with ladytp

Grab a glass of wine and get to know @ladytp!

How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I actually went back to the folder of my first posted fanfic, and it was almost 6.5 years ago, September 2012… That was my first ever creative work I wrote as well, as I started quite late – being already adult, established professional and all that. So never too late to start, one doesn’t have to have grown up writing!

Did you write before that?

No I didn't - unless scientific publications are counted as 'creative' writing (well, to be honest, sometimes there was an element of creativity when trying to make one's data make sense, LOL!)

How long ago did you join Tumblr?

To be precise (as I like to be!) I joined March 1st 2013 – so almost six years ago… But it took me four months to make my first post (an awesome music video about ASOIAF and GoT), being initially a ‘lurker’ to observe and learn. I migrated there from Livejournal when things started to quiet down there – like a moth I was drawn to bright lights, moving images, and more of my fandom content!

What is the meaning behind your username?

My username is from the Livejournal times as well, as when I joined it, I didn’t grasp the significance of one’s url or username and just picked the first one that came to mind when filling in the details: “lady” and my initials. D’oh! Luckily I have been able to successfully have the same name in other platforms as well, which is great – it is easier than have many different names. I am also glad that it is not fandom specific, as my interests are many and varied…

What was your first fandom? First pairing?

Definitively ASOIAF – that was my introduction to the whole cultural phenomenon of ‘fandom’, devouring fics and joining communities (yeah, I am so far behind of everyone else – I used to have a life, LOL!). Sansan was my first ship, but I also had a brief period when I was very interested in Daenerys and Jorah (this was before I saw the show). Even though the show had a big negative impact on Sansan experience for me (not due to Rory, I hasten to add – but the storylines), it has still stayed my OTP in a sense that I feel most comfortable about writing them and their dynamic still fascinates me above anything else.

How/when did you first notice (or start to ship) Sansan?

My story is very typical; first reading their interactions after the Hand’s Tourney, then the scene of the Battle of the Blackwater – and I was hooked. Googling and finding fics, Livejournal communities and all the metas…no getting back from there! I mean; it is so blatantly obvious that I wonder who can read the books and NOT get the vibes??

Is there a SanSan fic you’re particularly proud of?  Chapter? Paragraph?  Plot?

Hmmm…’Which one of your children you love the best?’, in other words – always a difficult question! I guess I am still the proudest of “The Triangle”  It was one of my early fics, it was a long-fic, and it was about the subject I had been fascinated with for years and years; the complicated Arthurian relationship between 3 people who loved each other for different reasons (Arthur, Guinevere and Lancelot in the original, Sandor, Sansa and Jaime in the fic). Chapter-wise I am very happy with the last chapter of the “Kiss of the Blade”, as hard as it may be for some due to the character death implied. It has melancholy but also beauty, I thought when I wrote it. Plot-wise I am excited and happy about my current WIP “This Time, We’ll Do Better”, as although it has some common trope elements, I think they have somewhat cool applications and it is nice to write something more plot-orientated for a change!

Any comments you’ve received that stick out, even now?

I have to admit that again, “The Triangle” inspired some absolutely wonderful comments, probably because of its unusual premise. Towards the end, and especially with people who had read it in one go long after it had been completed, there were some wonderful convos going back and forth. I especially enjoyed the ones where people either told that they had had some reservations starting it, but then ended up really enjoying the fic, or the ones where they might have had some queries and doubts and questions, leading to a mutually fruitful and eye-opening discussions on both sides. Those conversations really blew my mind!

Do you use a beta?

I have had the privilege of working with two wonderful betas, of which I am eternally grateful. The first one was wildskysheri / wildsky, whom I “met” via Livejournal, and who betaed for me for “The Triangle”, “A Chance Encounter” and “A Premediated Reunion”.  She taught me – a non-native English speaker/writer – so much about writing and what to pay attention to and what to look out for. I owe her so much! After our ways parted amicably as she moved on to other things, I was without beta for a long time, not really actively looking for one, but when my path crossed with the lovely @hardlyfatal, I have once again had the pleasure of getting my words scrutinised by someone knowledgeable, making them better on “This Time, We’ll Do Better”. I honestly can’t speak highly enough for a beta who can make any writer and fic so much better!

Are there tropes/styles/genres you struggle with?  Any that are almost too easy?

I do struggle a bit writing babies and children, and hence haven’t written much about them… I don’t generally care for modern AUs either and would struggle to write a full story in a modern times – although who knows, maybe in a right setting, replicating the high stakes situation of the canon, it could work. Haven’t tried so can’t say for sure! Very fluffy genre is also something I don’t feel particularly comfortable with, nor anything where the characters are very young. And porn without plot is neither a genre I relish. The most comfortable genres for me are the slow-burns, where mature people interact with each other in a mature way (whatever that means…). First realisations of feelings, hesitancy, and all that. I also do like plot-driven stories that have a start, middle and ending. I am all open for fake marriage, bed-sharing, ‘there was only one room at the inn’ kind of genres – any kind of ‘forced’ situations where the characters are obliged to spend time together!

When you start a fic, do you know where it will end?  Or do you figure it out along the way?

There have been fics along both scenarios – some were started at the spur of the moment, with only vague ideas of where and how far they would go (”The Prophecy” comes to mind, which I started as a random holiday scribbling – and repeatedly apologised and updated my chapter number as it grew and grew and grew…). And there were the ones where even at the end I couldn’t decide what the ending should be, so I wrote two (for example “Past Was Such A Long Time Ago“). But for most I would have some idea about the ending at the start, and for some I would gain it somewhere early along the way. So yeah, it varies!

Do you have any rituals/conditions for ‘getting in the mood’ to write?

I mostly write over the weekends when I have more time, after getting up and having breakfast, reading my emails and checking on Tumblr and doing all the routine stuff one does – and then I open my doc and start writing… With my internet radio blasting on the background on some jazz or lounge or classic channel. I find it hard to write during the weeks after getting back from work and being distracted by mundane home things and TV and such.

Have you ever had writer’s block?  Any tips for overcoming it?

I did have a period well over a year ago when I felt I had ‘lost my mojo’. It was largely to do with the way the Game of Thrones show had progressed and changed the characters so much that I couldn’t recognise them anymore, and my initial inspiration of writing about them consequently suffered. Especially as the show canon started to take over the original book canon so strongly in many platforms, including fics. The way I got over it was to distance myself from the show and partly, unfortunately, also from the fandom (so largely focused on show). I had a nice break, didn’t read many fics, focused on books and generally took a step back. Then I challenged myself to write a new type of story, a plot-focused ‘action & adventure’ story instead of romance focused only. That inspired me to write again, and I have been riding on that inspirational wave ever since with my latest long-fic WIP!

Aspirations of publishing one day?

No, not really. It is a tough world out there, especially as writing has become more reachable to many people who previously might not have even considered it (yay, fanfic and other forms of creative writing and platforms encouraging it!), and publishing world is awash with submissions and self-published stories alike. Although I don’t know for sure, I suspect that wanting to become published would take much more effort and determination and will than what I have for now, as for me this is a lovely hobby, nothing more.

What are your other hobbies?

My absolutely biggest hobbies are food and wine. I have loved cooking, eating and learning about food and wine for most of my life and it’s really important for me. Cooking meals ‘from the scratch’ from their base ingredient is what I love, as well as learning to master new techniques, new cuisines and difficult recipes. When I travel, food is one of the main drivers for that too, and holidays are largely built around restaurants, regions, cuisines and wineries. Holidaying in wine regions and wine tasting is the favourite kind of holiday! Yet I also love everyday cooking – the beauty of this as a hobby is that I get to do it every day and can challenge myself, be inspired by it and practice it all the time!

As for other hobbies…not really… I follow the transformative artform that is WWE, especially Dean Ambrose, and love visiting historical sites and reading about history, but that can hardly be called an active hobby… I also make some photo and video edits for fun, but lately my writing has taken much of the time I used to dedicate to that. Yet I feel that what I have is enough – I have no desires for an active life with lots of different hobbies and activities.

Any tips for writers looking to post their first (or second, or twentieth) fic?

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but it would be really cool if even those who write only for ‘shits and giggles’ would do some basic formatting and language checks… Things like how to indicate dialogue, spacing between paragraphs and when to apply them, and of course, basic grammar. There are nowadays so many websites advising about those things, as well as free tools (for example Grammarly), that they are accessible to every person with access to sites posting their stuff – and a simple Google search is your best friend. I recommend this because ignoring those things may easily drown even the most amazing story in these times of fic over-abundance.

Other than that, write the stories you would like to read yourself, and the scenarios you would like to see in the canon. Study the writing style of the writers whose stories you admire and see if you could pick up a trick or two from them (but not plagiarizing, naturally). And if you can, get a beta – it is not absolutely necessary, but would give you a second opinion and advice from a trusted person. Oh, and give yourself a break between writing and final editing – ideally have a buffer of chapters in a draft phase before starting to post, so whenever you write something new, you can afford to let it rest for a while before getting back to it with fresh eyes. And have fun!

Anything you’d like to say to writers in general?

Don’t get hung up on statistics or comparisons. Think why you are writing – is it because everyone does it and you feel you should too, or because you truly enjoy it, or because of the stories themselves, or because you have an internal urge to do it, or it is part of your social networking activities… all are valid reasons, but once you define what they are for you, the easier it is to focus on it and the satisfaction it gives to you.

Anything you’d like to say to readers in general?

If you like a fic, don’t be shy about commenting, as it truly means so much to the writers… Even simplest comment is gratefully received. If you feel like wanting to pass on constructive criticism, first ensure the writer welcomes it, then formulate it in the politest possible way with positivism thrown in as well (and of course, make sure it is actually constructive). Marvel the choices and abundance of fic availability and acknowledge what a joy it is to live in this time and age when all that is possible. Enjoy!

Anything you’d like to say to the SanSan fandom in general?

Do not give up hope – Game of Thrones is over soon and we can get back to canon content, hopefully soon with The Winds of Winter. Whatever the further story of Sandor and Sansa is there, we know how important it has been already and nothing can take that away!

Read LadyTP’s SanSan here!

Read LadyTP’s full library here!

[sangsanghaebwa]

Meaningless, Meaning More (M)

Genre: Smut, angst, university!AU Word count: 9k Description: A frat party, some honest talks with a friend, meaningless pleasure - all is harmless fun until feelings get involved. Warnings: Explicit mature content, swearing Author’s note: I completely rewrote the last few pages twice because I was just not satisfied, but finally I think this is okay for me. :D This was originally supposed to be just a working title, but I like it for some reason, so I didn’t change it, even if it’s vague af. Also I’ve been meaning to write something for Yoongi for months now, but hey, look at me typing out another Jimin piece... :D Hope you enjoy reading this while waiting for Hixtape!

You didn’t quite understand how you ended up alone with Jimin in his room, but here you two were, while the rest of the house was drowning in party noises. Usually in these kinds of situations you would end up with Taehyung or Jungkook or even Jungkook’s girl, since one of them was always bound to be the designated driver, not to mention that you and Jimin weren’t even that close, compared to some other people from your friend group. However this time the party was in the boys’ frat house, meaning the designated driver wasn’t needed, so you were fully prepared to be the only sober one, and definitely didn’t expect Jimin to join you. But like he said when he refused a cup of beer from Tae - he had a dance practice to attend early in the morning, which lead you two to lounge in his room, alone together for the first time probably, learning you had more things to talk about than you could’ve ever expected.

“So what really pushed me to break up with her, was how entitled she felt when it came to sex,” you ended up sharing bad relationship stories and Jimin was telling you about why exactly he dumped the dancer girl he was dating last semester.

“What do you mean entitled? I thought you were the kind of person who enjoyed having sex a lot?” You felt bad for assuming, but Jimin’s active sex life was something you’ve heard being discussed among your friends more than once before.

“Oh, not that I didn’t want sex, it’s just when it comes to give and take… you know,” Jimin trailed off and your expression must’ve told him that you didn’t exactly know, since he burst out laughing, “I barely ever got a blowjob from her but she expected me to eat her out every time we got sexual,” Jimin explained, while scratching the back of his neck, the slight shyness being something you hadn’t associated with the confident handsome male, “Sorry if it’s too much information,” he added after a beat and you chuckled reassuring him.

“This is fine, if anything my period disaster story was more tmi.” You both laughed and you couldn’t help thinking about how easy it was for you to relax around Jimin. That was probably what prompted you to ask the next question.

“I guess there’re a lot of girls who don’t particularly enjoy giving blowjobs, but what I don’t get is why she’d be so obsessed with getting oral? I mean it’s one of the least pleasurable foreplays and I can’t even imagine it being the main course,” Jimin looked at you as if you’d just grown a second head.

“You must have never experienced good oral,” He stated and you both laughed hard, but once you calmed down, the smile left your face and you started thinking more about it.

“I mean… I just never considered that it could be good, you know? They just wiggle their tongues all over the place and look at you expecting you to come then and there?” Jimin folded in half laughing and despite your sudden concerns you felt endeared by his reactions.

“Honey, you really need to reconsider who you sleep with,” Jimin teased and you threw a pillow at him, huffing in annoyance, since you didn’t want to admit that he was probably right.

“Well if you know anyone who could eat me good, I’ll be waiting for recommendations,” you settled on Jimin’s bed, staring at the ceiling, not even realizing how silent it suddenly got in the room.

“Um… I could do it for you? I mean try… I mean unless you think it would be weird? Because it totally doesn’t have to be! It could be just one friend helping another friend experience new things… Wow I just totally made it weird didn’t I? Forget I said anything,” Jimin clenched his jaw in embarrassment and all you could do was stare at his side profile and try to process whether he just said what you think he said.

You’d be lying if you said you’ve never thought of Jimin in that way, or even imagined it to be honest, but it was always just that – fantasies about your ridiculously attractive friend, which you never considered acting upon. However now, that the offer was on the plate all of your secret fantasies came flooding your mind, shutting out the rational part of your brain and screaming that this was probably the only chance you’d ever get with Jimin. You weren’t dumb, you knew it wouldn’t mean anything and it would be a one-time thing that could possibly fuck up your friendship big time and make things awkward in your friend group… but at the same time your suppressed crush was already awakened and you knew you wanted it to happen, deep inside your subconscious you’ve wanted this to happen ever since you met Jimin, and now he was the one offering. Things don’t have to be awkward if we don’t make it awkward – you tell this to yourself as you roll on the side to face Jimin.

“You would do that for me?” You ask, obviously implying that you didn’t find his offer weird.

“Um… sure? That’s what friends are for,” you would have argued that that’s not what friends are for at all, but your core was already tensing at the idea of what would happen next, so you settled back on your back and gave Jimin a look telling him you would actually take him up on his offer.

“Right now?” Jimin looks at you, then at the door separating the two of you from the rest of the party.

“If we don’t do it now, I don’t think we’ll ever do it,” you laugh and Jimin can’t argue with that. He moves to lock the door and comes back to the bed, still not quite looking like his usual confident self.

“Are you sure you won’t feel weird after this? I know I won’t, but I don’t want to pressure you…” Jimin trails off and you gently grasp his hand, smiling reassuringly.

“It’s not going to be weird if we don’t let it be,” you smile, encouraging both him and yourself and he smiles back at you, moving closer and obviously hesitating where to start.

“Is it okay if we kiss a little? It feels weird diving right in,” Jimin chuckles and you join him, nodding.

He moves to hover above you and places his warm palm on your cheek, the other hand holding his weight above you. You breathe fast, nervous to have his face so close to yours, to feel his warm breath on your lips. Before you know it, the distance is gone and he’s kissing you, just light pecks at first. Soon enough it turns into soft, gentle kisses and you abandon your nerves and kiss him back too. You forget that the situation isn’t exactly romantic so you can’t help the tiny disappointment when he moves away before you can even part your lips for him.

He smiles reassuringly and you see his pretty lips in a whole new light, not that you don’t have to imagine how they feel anymore.

“May I?” Jimin asks as his hands settle on the waist of your jeans.

“Go ahead,” you lift your ass up when he unbuttons your pants and help him shimmy them down your legs, before they end up on the floor.

Jimin’s fingers trace the band of your panties and you’re silently thanking the sex gods for choosing to wear black lace, instead of your comfortable cute cotton ones. Not that you had to impress anyone – you remind yourself.

“Almost seems like you planned to seduce someone tonight,” Jimin comments, as his finger traces patterns on the front of your panties, teasing.

“Well is it working?” You reply cheekily and Jimin laughs, “definitely wasn’t planning on seducing you though,” you add and he feigns hurt, last of his nerves leaving to be replaced with his easy going confidence.

“Wasn’t planning on giving you the orgasm of your life either, but here I am about to do it,” Jimin bites back and you want to argue with his cocky statement, but as soon as you open your mouth he cups your sex firmly, making you shut your lips to suppress a moan. He massages your crotch through the panties before using one finger to slide them to the side and rub it over your opening.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, and you expect him to tease you about being this wet for him, but he does none of that. He slaps your thigh, earning a surprised gasp from you, and you lift your ass up again, to let him rid you of your underwear, with much less patience than when he was taking care of your jeans.

“Open up,” he demands and you don’t even think of arguing as you spread yourself open for Jimin to see.

He settles on his knees between your thighs and grips them tight as he dives in to your pussy. First thing he does is lick all the way up your slit, gathering your juices and humming against you as if he was enjoying the taste.

“You taste really good baby and I’m not just saying that,” Jimin says, looking at you with hooded eyes. All you can do is bite your lip and throw your head back.

“Well I’m not feeling the appeal of oral just yet, babe,” you half lie once you gather your thoughts back, because to be honest, even if you weren’t getting much pleasure from the act itself just yet, the fact that it was Jimin breathing against your pussy, looking nothing short of a sex fantasy, was messing with your hormones in all the right ways.

Instead of biting back, he scoffs and sucks on your entrance one last time before engulfing your clit with his plump lips and sucking hard. You can’t help clenching your walls, because, fuck, it does feel good. He sucks on your clit the way you’d suck on the tip of a dick and inside your head you’re practically shouting ‘fuck yes, this is how you do it!’.

He occasionally rubs his tongue against your clit too but the sucking doesn’t stop until you’re about to start moving your hips against his face, but before you can do that he opens his mouth wider and slides his stiffened tongue inside you, while still mouthing at your clit.

You moan without any shame, because this boy deserves to know exactly what he’s doing to you. Jimin hums against you, and grips your hips, forcing you to pretty much ride his pretty face. You don’t hold back anymore, releasing sounds of pleasure at his every move, his hot wet mouth sucking you, fucking you with his tongue, making you desperate to rub against him for every last bit of friction as your walls start constricting. Jimin grunts against you as he forces his face as hard against you as possible and slaps the side of your ass, and the fact how hot he looks and how hot the situation is, is what drives you over the edge. You grab his hair, holding him close as you ride the wave of your orgasm out, breathless chants of ‘Jimin’ the only thing you can think of to say while your vision blurs and your body tenses and then completely relaxes with the wave of white hot pleasure.

When you start getting sensitive, you let go of Jimin’s messy hair, but instead of moving away, he starts licking up your cum, the wet slurping sounds making you embarrassed, but it seemed like Jimin found this the most normal thing to do. Your thighs trembled and you unintentionally tried to move away because of the sensitivity, but Jimin held you firmly in place until he was done enjoying you. He kissed all the way up your inner thigh to your knee, as he was getting up and it all felt so intimate you had almost forgotten this was supposed to be just meaningless fun, so you couldn’t help your heart sinking with disappointment just a little when instead of holding you or kissing you, Jimin dropped on the bed a foot away beside you and gave you a satisfied smirk.

“So how was it?”

“It was really really good and I understand your ex completely,” you decided to admit, even if you’d feel embarrassed about praising him like this tomorrow, he deserved it.

“Glad to meet one more girl who loves my mouth and doesn’t want to suck my dick,” Jimin jokes but instead of laughing along you bite your lip and clench your thighs together as you roll on the side to face Jimin. It was now or never, and honestly you’ve already crossed the line anyways.

“I want to suck your dick, Jimin,” you admit in all seriousness and Jimin’s laughter dies out. He looks at you, trying to figure out if this was your way of joking.

“Are you serious? Why would you want to suck my dick?” Jimin looked confused and not ready to take you seriously.

“For the same reason you wanted to eat my pussy?” You shoot back, not ready to straight out admit that you just simply want to suck his dick for the sake of it. And because his existence suddenly seems like the hottest thing ever. And because you could probably cum again if he fucked your mouth. No, you weren’t ready to tell him that, and frankly, he didn’t ever need to know.

Jimin still looked like he wasn’t taking you seriously, so you went to search for your ruined panties, put them back on, and then faced him, hands on your hips.

“So? The offer’s not going to stand the forever,” it was your turn to tease him and he scrambled to get up and scoot closer to the edge of the bed.

“Are you serious about this? I mean of course I’d like that, but you really don’t have to…” You smile and move the messy hair away from his forehead with your fingers.

“Now I see what your problem is, you spoil your girls too generously, of course they won’t blow you if you insist it’s not necessary,” you joke and Jimin huffs and catches your hand which was playing with his hair.

“I’m not like this with usually.”

“Oh so am I special?” You could swear Jimin blushed a little as he slapped your thigh annoyed, “besides, this isn’t all for you. I want an honest feedback, because I can never tell if they genuinely enjoy it or just say so in hoped of getting their dick sucked again.”

Jimin finally relaxed, laughing a little, and moved to the very edge of the bed, sitting down with legs wide open.

“Is this position okay?” He asks changing topic and you chuckle as you realize you’d actually made him embarrassed before.

“It will be once you take off your jeans, that shit is difficult,” you both laugh and you sit back on the carpet as he stands up again and strips his jeans off, revealing his toned dancer thighs, that had always tormented you during summer shorts season.

His erection was visible through the dark blue underwear and you were almost drooling once you realized he had a thick cock. You didn’t get girls raving about long dicks, sure it was important to some extent, but what really mattered to you was the girth, and Jimin looked as if he’d stretch you so deliciously good, making you feel completely full.

You had to shake off such thoughts, since you weren’t here for that. It was disappointing that you wouldn’t have Jimin’s pretty dick inside you, but at least you’d be able to taste him, and that thought had you aroused all over again. You clenched your thighs together and got up on your knees between Jimin’s thighs, as he sat down again, looking at you intently and waiting for your move.

You started by teasing just like he did – moving his hoodie out of the way and caressing the skin just above his waistband. The little peak of his tone stomach made you want to lick him all over so you did just that, moving in and following the same path of your fingers with your tongue. You felt Jimin’s muscles tense and took it that he enjoyed that, so you blew cold air on his wet skin and repeated it all over again. Your free hand caressed over his thigh, massaging the muscle and digging your nails in, before releasing and caressing softly again, slowly getting closer to where he wanted your touch the most.

You couldn’t ignore his pretty cock anymore, so you finally caressed him just so softly over the fabric, knowing it was more of a torture than relief for the man.

“Baby,” Jimin grunted and you cocked your head back to look at his frustrated expression, “I didn’t tease you that much.”

“Well, it felt like you did,” you giggled innocently, but gave in and grasped his dick properly this time, jerking it over the material a few times.

You could see a tiny wet spot near the head and you licked over it, as if you’d actually be able to taste it. Jimin brushed your hair away from your face, enjoying the show, but trying to urge you subtly.

“Please,” he whispered and there was something unexplainably hot about him begging you like that. You’ve never expected this to happen but now that it was happening, you wanted to stretch it out as long as possible, never wanting to stop.

Nonetheless, you couldn’t deny Jimin either, so you grasped the band of this underwear and he helped you pull it all the way down.

Once you settled back in your place, his cock was waiting for attention, all pretty, thick and veiny – a stark contrast standing against his black hoodie. You took it near the tip and laid a few tiny kisses on the head, digging your tongue into the slit to taste the precum and earning a hiss from Jimin. You engulfed the tip between your lips and started sucking him lightly, your tongue caressing the smooth skin, digging into it only to caress it softly again. Your sucking got harder and soon enough you started taking more and more of him into your mouth, until he was as far in as comfortably possible, instead of sucking you tightened your lips around him and started fucking him with your mouth, moving your lips halfway off and then taking him in again.

Jimin’s grunts and gasps and tiny whispered praises were getting louder and more desperate so you decided to step it up by grasping his balls and fondling them in your palm, massaging them not entirely softly but not hard enough to hurt. You started sucking again and Jimin’s moan went straight to your pussy. You could feel the wetness pooling between your legs again and couldn’t help rubbing your thighs, trying to get friction as well while you moaned around Jimin’s cock.

You knew it felt really good when Jimin’s hips buckled just slightly, so you started moaning around his dick on purpose, looking Jimin in the eyes as he met your gaze, not daring to look away. You saw his eyes follow your hand as it slipped between your thighs to offer yourself at least a bit of relief. Jimin couldn’t hold back from grasping your hair between his fingers.

“Can I please fuck your mouth?” He asked breathless and instead of moving off his dick to give him an answer, you held onto his hips with both hands and pulled him in closer. He took it as permission and started carefully bucking his hips into your face, while he held your head close. You couldn’t stop moaning, and it wasn’t for Jimin’s pleasure anymore, but because the way he fucked your mouth with his pretty dick was getting you close to cumming again.

“Fuck baby, get off I’m about to cum,” Jimin urged you off his dick and started pumping it with expert moves himself. You’ve never found a man masturbating quite as hot as you did now, waiting for him to shoot his load.

“Cum in my mouth, Jimin,” you said before you could think, but Jimin didn’t have the mind to think much of it as he swore and put the tip of his dick on your stuck out tongue. His cum shot inside your mouth in multiple spurts, letting you taste the weird, slightly salty, slightly sour substance, but all you could think in that moment was how hot it was. You sucked his tip until Jimin whined in sensitivity and then you let him go and surprised the man by swallowing everything. It wasn’t that you enjoyed this kind of thing, you just really enjoyed doing this with his cum.

Jimin’s head dropped back and he swore again, as you rested your head on his thigh and chuckled.

“Not to make it weird, but you have a really pretty dick,” you chuckled, caressing the soft skin of his thigh, marked with pink scratches from your groping.

“You just sucked my soul out through my dick, nothing can make this weird at this point,” Jimin laughed and finally looked at you again, meeting your eyes with an emotion, you couldn’t quite put your finger on, “come here,” he whispered and even though you didn’t get what he meant, your body followed with a will of its own.

Jimin led you to straddle his lap and you would’ve thought about how close his softening dick was to your clothed core, but your thoughts were swept clean when Jimin held your face in his palms and just kissed you. No questions asked, no explanations needed, he just kissed you, and you hugged his head close as you kissed him back. It was more intense than the first time, but it was more meaningful too, and you thought you could describe it best as being honest. It felt like you both abandoned any thoughts or worries and just let yourselves fully indulge what you wanted. Open mouths, hot breaths, wet sounds, the taste of Jimin – your thoughts were a mess of all those things tangling together, as Jimin pulled you closer and closer against himself and you both couldn’t, didn’t want to stop. You kissed him the way you’d kiss someone you love and if your mind was working, the thought would have scared the shit out of you, but your mind was just Jimin, Jimin, Jimin.

“Fuck me Jimin,” you whispered against his swollen lips without any fear of rejection, because in that moment there was no doubt Jimin was just as lost in you as you were in him. He moved you away just a little to take your sweater off, followed by your bra, and for that moment you chose to lie to yourself and allow yourself to pretend he was yours and you were his.

You tried to take off his hoodie too but he beat you to it and threw away the last piece of clothing, which was separating you, himself. He admired your body and instead of feeling self-conscious under his stare, you felt precious, pretty and soft. And Jimin himself was gorgeous beyond what you had imagined. This was supposed to be meaningless sex between friends, but it felt like the most meaningful sex you would ever have and it was both scary and exciting at the same time.

Jimin kissed you again, kissed your neck until it was pink all over and then kissed you some more, his hands soft on the skin of your back, your breasts, your tummy, your ass, your thighs, as he jostled you up, over his dick, which was standing hard again.

“May I?” He asked and you nodded, sealing his lips with a kiss again, as he buried his dick inside you, stretching you even better than you predicted. You moaned and hugged him close, overwhelmed with the sudden feeling of fullness, and Jimin was patient with you, waiting for you to move first, even when you could feel how tense with need he was. You kissed his neck along the protruding vein, only for Jimin to catch your lips again, kissing you with a smile. You held onto his shoulders as you finally circled your hips and the sweet pleasure got you bucking into Jimin right away. He sat propped on one hand as the other was playing with your breast, licking his lips while he let you desperately rut against him, pleased with how much you enjoyed having his dick inside you. Once your movements turned to slow, deep grinding, Jimin’s hand grasped your ass tightly and he started fucking up into you, his movements much harder and sharper than yours and you choked on his name, face contorted in pleasure, hidden in Jimin’s neck where you distracted yourself by sucking on his salty skin.

“Fuck baby, does it feel good?” Jimin grumbled, turning his head to look for your lips again.

“So so good Jiminie, you fuck me so good,” you mumbled against his lips, the kiss a mess of lips and tongue and teeth, gasps and moans tangled in between.

Jimin fucked you hard, tirelessly pumping all the way in and soon enough your body tensed all around him, your tightened walls forcing a loud moan out of him, followed by your chants of ‘Jiminie, fuck’.

Jimin carefully fucked you through your orgasm and once you relaxed completely, he laid you down on the bed. You wrapped your wobbly legs around him, as he entered you again and not waiting for anything he started pumping hard right away, harder than he could have from beneath you. He sucked on your neck and you kissed his ear, whispering in it.

“Cum for me Jiminie, cum inside me, I want you to fill me up so bad,” your dirty talk got him moaning your name and a few more strokes in he froze, spilling his cum inside you and settling his body weight on yours. The weight felt comfortable and you felt like you were glowing as you stroked Jimin’s hair, feeling his cum trickle out of you as he pulled out. You clenched your walls trying to keep it in for a bit longer and were surprised when Jimin rubbed over your pussy, catching the cum that had slipped out and rubbing it all over your sex.

“Fuck you’re so hot, you have no idea,” he grumbled before stealing your breath away with a kiss, possibly the most desperate one you had shared, and his desperation reminded you that it was the last one you’d share, so you poured all of your most secret feelings into it, hoping that by the time morning came, they would all be gone.

You spent the night at Jimin’s, cuddling in your sleep, only to find the bed empty in the morning, Jimin having already left for his dance practice. You weren’t surprised and you didn’t expect anything else, but you couldn’t help the tiny seed of disappointment when he didn’t even text you the next day, and the next one, and the whole following week. You didn’t text much before that – you reminded yourself when you went to have a movie night with your group of friends the next weekend. All would have been well if he had treated you the same as before, however you couldn’t shake the feeling that he was avoiding you, never staying alone with you, never looking at you longer than a second, sitting as far away from you as possible.

You weren’t particularly hurt, you never allowed yourself want anything more with him to begin with, but what bothered you was the fact that you went ahead and slept with a friend and now it was awkward in your friend group. You promised each other not to make it weird and he went ahead and started avoiding you. You’d only be lying to yourself if you said it didn’t make you at least a bit angry with Jimin, but if that was the way he wanted to deal with it, then fine. Two could play that game.

Every time you hung out with your friends you made sure to not even look in Jimin’s direction, let alone speak with him. It wasn’t particularly difficult considering there were more than ten people in your group when everyone gathered, and you usually hung out with Tae, Jungkook and Lisa the most anyways.

It was a month later during a bonfire at Hoseok’s place that your friends started catching onto something. There was a bunch of people and while most of them were dancing by the pool, you were hanging out with Jennie on the lounge chairs, on the opposite side of water.

“So I never got to ask you,” Jennie started, changing the topic from your philosophy homework.

“About what?”

“Remember that last party at the guys’ frat house?” She was playing with a bottle of beer in her hands and you couldn’t quite understand why she’d bring that up now.

“Sure, what about it?”

“You went with Jimin to his room and didn’t come out for the rest of the night,” it was more of a statement than a question, but you already expected everyone would have noticed.

“Yeah, I slept over in his room?” You urged her to get to the point, oblivious to what she could be getting at, since there was no way anyone would suspect things that actually happened. Or so you believed, at least.

“Did something happen?” Your expression must have been one of shock, because she was quick to clarify, “I mean, did you two fight or something? The last month I just can’t help but feel like you two are avoiding each other, and it’s not just me that feels like that, if I’m being honest…”

“Jennie… nothing happened, okay? I don’t know why you guys would think that, but we’re not avoiding each other at all!” You lied and you weren’t sure if Jennie was buying it, so you added, “we just really didn’t have much to talk about, so I guess that might be why we don’t try to interact that much?”

Lies, blatant lies. Jennie however seemed to believe you, she just looked slightly disappointed for some reason.

“That’s weird, we all thought you two would click well…” She smiled as if shaking negative thoughts away and sipped away at her beer, but her words got you curious.

“’We’? You guys talk about me and Jimin?” Jennie chuckled embarrassed and for a moment it looked like she was torn whether to tell you something or not.

“Well, I know we shouldn’t talk behind your back, buuuut… we all kinda thought that there was some sexual tension between you and Jimin, pretty much ever since we started hanging out. I’m pretty sure there was even something about Yoongi blurting out that Jimin has a crush on you, but granted he was wasted at the time, so we didn’t talk about it…” Jennie trailed off looking at you for a reaction, but you were honestly really confused. Sure, you had a crush on Jimin for the longest time, but you never allowed yourself to actually like him, and sure as hell you never thought Jimin would have a crush on you. Never has he ever acted that way towards you – that’s exactly what you told Jennie too.

“Sorry, I just think you guys looked too deep into this. If anything we were always just a tiny bit awkward, definitely not sexual tension.” Jennie’s expression was slightly amused as if she was disagreeing with you but chose to not comment and you took a huge sigh, before kicking her leg and stealing her beer, making you both laugh.

After that the conversation went back to lectures and homework and the cute boy from psychology class that Jennie was low key stalking this past week. Your gaze wandered to the other side of the pool, where Hoseok and Lisa were laughing their asses off at Jungkook and Taehyung slow dancing together to bass heavy dance music. However your smile faded once your eyes landed on a familiar body, its fluid dance moves and the way another body was pressed into it. Jimin was dancing with a pretty brunette, who you knew was from his dance class. Well, you weren’t sure if it could have still been called dancing, since they were basically just humping each other, her ass against his crotch, his hands on her hips, his lips by her ear, whispering something that they both smiled about.

You turned away, suddenly feeling sick and that made you so angry at yourself. What was your problem? It wasn’t the first time Jimin found a gorgeous girl to woo, and it wouldn’t be the last, how could you allow yourself to be affected by that? You knew this ugly feeling was jealousy, you weren’t naïve enough to deny it, but you were furious for feeling it, because you never allowed yourself to like him, to expect anything from him. Whatever crush you had, you had buried it before it could become an actual thing, and now you felt like you played yourself, because as much as you told yourself the sex didn’t mean anything or didn’t change anything, it was now obvious that it wasn’t the case. Suddenly the thought of Jimin fucking other girls without a second thought about you was making you sick and you couldn’t deny that deep down, even if you didn’t expect anything, you wanted him to think about you, to think about that night. You wanted him to at least give you a second thought before moving on with his life, and you knew it was selfish and not fair, because he didn’t owe you anything, but in that moment it was just too hard to deal with your ugly feelings.

So you did, what you would always do when your feelings were hurt – act out to show them.

You dragged Jennie to the makeshift dance floor and the both of you mingled in between the bodies. It took you a minute of swaying hips and hands in your hair before a pair of hands settled on your waist, a warm body dancing behind you, just close enough to be suggestive but not too close for comfort. You turned around to be met face to face with Mingyu, Jungkook’s friend. A younger hot dude eager for your approval? Just what you needed, you thought as your arms wound around his neck and you started moving along with him.

Just past Mingyu’s shoulder your eyes met with Jimin’s and if he was surprised to see you, he didn’t show it. The way his face contorted every time the girl would grind her ass into him told you he was hard and that was what prompted you to step closer to Mingyu, almost grinding against his hip while his palms carefully settled on your ass.

It went on like that for a couple songs and you could tell Mingyu was hard, he was leaning into you, whispering how good you looked and how nice your body was, and any other day you would have enjoyed it, but today your head just wasn’t into it. You would try to catch glimpses of Jimin, curious whether he was looking and disappointed to always find him focused on his partner.

You knew that what you were doing was plain stupid and kind of unfair to Mingyu, but before you could decide to stop it all and just grab a drink your eyes caught Jimin’s figure again and this time he was holding the girl in his arms, making out.

Flashbacks of what it felt like to kiss him, to have him hold you, ran through your mind, and before you could help it, you hid your face in the crook of Mingyu’s neck. For all you knew from the side it would look like you were kissing him, but in reality you were trying with all you had not to burst out crying, because, fuck, you had feelings for Jimin.

You heard Mingyu asking whether everything was okay and once you moved away from him, you managed to catch a glimpse of Jimin leading the girl by her hand inside the house.

You took a deep breath and put on a fake but truly apologetic smile, before excusing yourself, telling Mingyu you were suddenly not feeling that well. You truly felt sorry, because he took care of you like the nice guy he is, making sure you were with safe with Jennie, before going back to the party people.

“Do you want to go inside? You should probably lie down if you’re feeling sick, there must be a few empty bedrooms upstairs. Do you feel nauseous?” You were barely hearing Jennie, your thoughts running wild against your will, imagining the things Jimin was probably doing to the girl one of the bedrooms right now, the things he did to you.

“No Jennie, it’s okay, I’ll be fine, but I should probably go home and sleep it off,” you reassure her while already looking for an uber.

Jennie is reluctant to let you go alone, so you try to convince her you’ll be fine, all the way to the inside, where you needed to pick up your jacket.

“But are you really sure? Do you even have any medicine at home? Maybe you should go to the ER just in case?”

“Now you’re really overreacting,” you huff, picking up your jacket and giving her a meaningful look, which makes her smile sheepishly.

Suddenly her gaze focuses behind you, and you turn around only to be met with the sight of Jimin and his girl at the bottom of the staircase, both of their lips pink and swollen as if they had just stopped kissing.

“Are you not feeling well?” Jimin asks, surprising you, but in a second the surprise turns to anger and you clench your fist, trying to hold back from saying something you would regret later.

“I’m fine.” You tell him and look at your phone, “my uber is here, I’ll text you when I come back,” you tell Jennie, while hugging her and hurry out the door.

Your uber was still a few blocks away, but you didn’t want to stand there third wheeling Jimin’s hook up. Or was it a date? You’d rather not know, and it didn’t change anything anyways.

You were left to face the fact that you had feelings for one of your friends, and you had no idea how to deal with them.

Your idea of dealing with feelings turned out to be distancing yourself and avoiding Jimin at all costs, even if it meant you started skipping out on hanging out with your other friends too.

It didn’t take long for Jennie to figure out that you weren’t exactly sick, but rather something else was wrong, however once you refused to talk about it she agreed to give you some time to figure out yourself.

Jimin must have told your other friends that you were sick, because they started bombarding you with concerned messages and wishes to get well soon. You replied as vaguely as possible and made Jennie promise not to tell anyone you were never sick to begin with. There was only one message you didn’t reply to.

Jimin [9:35] How are you feeling?

Jimin [9:40] I hope you’re feeling better today.

Jimin [9:53] Get well soon.

One week turned into two, two into three, and eventually a month. Your friends weren’t stupid and they were catching on that something was up. You would hang out with them separately, but not when they all gathered as a group. Taehyung asked you about it and Jungkook seemed to have a feeling about what was going on too. Even Namjoon, who was usually really oblivious to such things, sent you a text asking you whether you had fought with Jimin. Eventually Jennie was the first one to actually confront you.

“There is something with you and Jimin isn’t there?” She demanded to know one evening when you two were hanging out at your place together. You didn’t want to lie, but telling the truth would mean risking the whole friendship dynamics in your group… However wasn’t that already in jeopardy since the moment you started bailing on your friends?

You made Jennie swear she’d keep it to herself, before telling her.

“I slept with Jimin.”

You imagined she would be more surprised but she took it quite well.

“Wow. When?”

“At that frat party a couple months ago.”

“Thought so.” It was your turn to choke on your words and slap Jennie once she burst out laughing.

“So what’s the big deal? Was he bad? Is that why you’re avoiding him?” Jennie tried to laugh and keep everything light hearted and you appreciated that because it made it easier to talk about.

“No, that’s not it. At first it was just kind of awkward and I didn’t quite know how to act around him, but it changed after Hoseok’s bonfire. Besides, it’s not just me avoiding him – he avoids me too!” Jennie shakes her head at the last part, amused.

“He might have avoided you at first, but now he actually asks about you quite often,” you give Jennie a highly doubtful expression and she shrugs letting you believe whatever you want. “So what changed after the bonfire, except for the fact that that you avoid Jimin like plague?”

“I realized I have feeling for him.”

“Oh. Ooooooh. Well everything makes sense then. Wow.” Jennie looked shocked to say the least and you could practically see the gears turning in her head, probably re-analyzing all of the times you were with Jimin. “Wow, I’m so sorry you had to see him with Mina…”

“Mina?”

“The girl from the bonfire… No wonder you faked sick…” You push back the unpleasant memory, together with the urge to ask Jennie if Jimin kept meeting that Mina girl. It was better to not know.

“Yeah well, no need to feel sorry, I’m the one stupid enough to catch feelings for someone who’d never reciprocate, and a friend nonetheless.”

“Well I wouldn’t say never-,“ you stopped Jennie before she could finish the sentence.

“No, just don’t. The less false hopes the faster I’ll get over this and get back to hanging out around him again.”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll help you however I can.” Jennie promised as she hugged you.

“That’s the only thing I can want.”

Jimin had messaged you a couple times about random things and to ask whether you’d come hang out with everyone, and you knew it was really childish of you to do so, but you didn’t reply at all or only texted him ‘no’ to the invitations. You expected him to let it go and forget about it, but yet again, you were wrong.

Jimin [7:56] We need to talk.

Jimin [7:56] And by we I mean you and me both, not just me.

Jimin [7:57] So I’m going to spam your phone until you reply.

Jimin [8:11] Have it your way

Jimin [8:11] :)

Jimin [8:11] :)

Jimin [8:11] :)

Jimin [8:11] :)

Jimin [8:11] :)

You [8:12] I’ll block you.

Jimin [8:12] SHE TALKS

You [8:12] Not funny

Jimin [8:13] Not trying to be funny

Jimin [8:13] We need to talk

Jimin [8:14] And if you block me I’ll come over

You [8:14] There’s nothing to talk about

Jimin [8:15] The fact that you’re saying this means you know there’s something to talk about

You [8:16] No, I just really have nothing to say to you

Jimin [8:16] Well I have a lot to say to you

Jimin [8:16] First of all, what the fuck with the avoiding and ignoring?

You [8:17] Don’t act like you didn’t avoid me first

Jimin [8:17] It was right after we fucked!!!! I didn’t know how to act around you

Jimin [8:18] It’s been months now and you’re still avoiding me and in turn all of our friends too

Jimin [8:18] Wtf happened to “it won’t get weird”?

You [8:19] Wow I’m so sorry I fuck everything up, I’m a horrible friend and I don’t think about consequences before doing something. Sue me.

Jimin [8:20] You know it’s not about what we did but how you’re acting about it

You [8:20] Well for me it’s about what we did

Jimin [8:20] Do you regret it that much?

You [8:21] We shouldn’t have done it.

Jimin [8:21] Do you regret it?

You [8:31] No

You [8:31] But I regret the way I feel about it

Jimin [8:32] ?

You [8:32] I’m not going to elaborate

Jimin [8:32] Well I want to understand?

You [8:33] What does it even matter to you? Your life went on perfectly after that, why are you suddenly digging into this? I’ll deal with my feelings and go back to normal once I’m done.

Jimin [8:34] Feelings?

You [8:34] Drop it

Jimin [8:34] Don’t want to

You [8:35] It’s none of your concern

Jimin [8:37] But it IS!!! You act like you’re the only one affected and I just woke up the next morning like nothing happened! I didn’t fucking know how to act around you and avoided you like an idiot for fucks sake and then you avoided me too and I thought you just wanted some space so I tried to back off and live my life like I used to, but fuck it doesn’t mean everything WAS like it used to be

You [8:38] What do you mean?

Jimin [8:39] It’s none of your concern J

You [8:39] Jimin.

Jimin [8:39] That’s my name.

You [8:40] Fuck Jimin, what do you want from me???

Jimin [8:40] I want to know why the fuck you’re avoiding me like this??? I haven’t fucking SEEN you since Hoseok’s bonfire

You [8:41] Well you sure weren’t looking at ME at the bonfire

Jimin [8:41] …

Jimin [8:41] Are you fucking kidding me?

Jimin [8:42] Did you even have time to check what I was looking at while you were busy grinding on Mingyu’s dick?

You [8:42] That’s literally none of your business

Jimin [8:43] You literally started first

You [8:43] There’s a difference between dancing with somebody and leaving the party to fuck them

Jimin [8:43] I didn’t fuck her

You [8:44] Sure you didn’t

Jimin [8:44] And if I did that’s still none of your business

You [8:44] You’re right

Jimin [8:45] So what the fuck is your problem with me?

You [8:45] It’s nothing

Jimin [8:46] Well clearly it’s not?

You [8:46] I’m sorry for acting immature, it’s my personal issues, it’s not your fault. I’ll try to handle myself better and stop avoiding you. I’m sorry.

Jimin [8:48] …you know this is not what I wanted. You don’t have to apologize for anything, I just want to understand what’s going on?

You [8:48] Please Jimin, leave me alone, it’s not you, it’s me.

Jimin [8:49] I don’t believe this has nothing to do with me

Jimin [8:50] Please

Jimin [8:51] Just talk to me

Jimin [8:52] Did I hurt your feelings?

Jimin [8:53] What did I do?

You [8:54] You didn’t do anything, I hurt my own feelings

Jimin [8:54] What do you mean? Please, baby, just tell me what’s wrong?

You [8:55] Don’t call me like that, I’m not your baby

Jimin [8:55] Obviously.

You [8:55] ?

Jimin [8:56] Just… maybe it’s really the best for us to not hang out anymore

Jimin [8:56] I’m sorry we fucked

You [8:57] Oh

You [8:57] I’m sorry we fucked too

Jimin [10:33] You know what, this is bullshit

You [10:34] ?

Jimin [10:34] Open up

Your doorbell rang and you refused to believe that he was actually there. Didn’t he already say all he had to say? You rubbed away the salty tear trails from your face, as you got out of bed and went to open the door.

And there he was – ripped jeans showing off his pretty thighs, hoodie and sweaterpaws making him look adorable, and messy hair and plump lips, making him look illegal.

You swallowed down your feelings as you stepped away to let him in, not wanting your neighbors to overhear anything.

“First of all I didn’t mean the last messages, I’m sorry I was just being petty,” Jimin started before you could even close the door.

“You could have said it all over messages, why bother coming here?” You refused to look at him, as you chose to lean on your door, determined to keep this in the hallway.

“Because I don’t think this is the kind of conversation we should be having over the messages. Besides, it’s not like you were giving me any answers anyways,” Jimin got comfortable leaning against the wall across from you.

“What makes you think I’ll give you any answers like this?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I will,” Jimin took a deep breath and looked into your eyes with newfound determination, “I talked to Jennie.”

To say you were shocked would be an understatement. You tried to control your expressions, but hiding the panic stricken look in your eyes proved to be difficult.

“What did you talk to her about?” You still had hope Jennie managed to keep your secret, but the fact that Jimin brought her up was pointing in the opposite direction.

“About you. And before you get angry at her, she had a good reason to tell me what she did,” Jimin looked genuinely concerned for Jennie, and for a good reason – you weren’t sure if you wanted to scream at her, or stop talking to her altogether. Now there was almost no doubt about what she told him, she must have spilled the beans.

“What did she tell you?” You asked nonetheless, still hoping beyond hope to be wrong.

“I know you have feelings for me,” you were about to turn around and walk out the door, when Jimin caught you by the forearms with a small ‘u-uh’ and held you in place.

“If you know that already then what the fuck more do you want to hear from me?” You asked, avoiding his eyes.

“That’s the thing - I needed to hear that from you, not from Jennie,” Jimin tried to catch your eyes but you were adamant about looking elsewhere, “the only reason she told me in the first place, was because I was the first one to tell her I have feelings for you. Still, I couldn’t completely believe her until I heard you say it yourself…” Jimin trailed off, and contrary to a few seconds before, you were staring him dead in the eyes now, looking for a sign that he was joking, or that you misheard him. You couldn’t think of anything to say, and it got Jimin smiling sheepishly, letting go of one of your arms to rub the back of his neck almost shyly.

“Yes, I have feelings for you. I did even before we had sex, but back then it was just a crush that I could control. It got worse after I actually got a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you. That’s why I was trying to act like nothing happened and move on – I felt like an idiot for liking you that much, when you’d never feel the same way…” Jimin trailed off with a small awkward chuckle, “please say something?”

You released the breath you didn’t realize you were holding, and let out a small humorless laugh.

“What is there to say Jimin?” You looked him in the eyes and he flinched like he just got shot, which made you shake your head at him and smile, as you carefully laid your palm on the side of his face.

“May I kiss you?”

Jimin only looked shocked for a second, before he closed all the distance between the two of you and claimed your lips with his, all the hesitation and doubts and fears melting away by the second. It wasn’t the most intense kiss that you two had shared, but it was hands down the most meaningful. Jimin liked you. Jimin had feelings for you. This sweet man who could talk to you throughout the night, who could make you drown in pleasure, who could shield you from the world with his warmth – this man was standing here spilling his hear out, and you’d be a fool to not do the same.

Once the soft touches of your lips ceased and you two separated just enough to stare at each other’s faces fondly, you both burst out into stupid grins.

“So I take it Jennie wasn’t lying,” Jimin whispered with a soft smile, moving a strand of hair away from your face.

“I want to be mad at her so badly, but it’s really hard to be mad at anyone when you’re holding me like this,” you confessed softly and Jimin cradled you even closer to his body, letting you nose at his neck, taking in the smell of his skin.

“I won’t let you go on three conditions,” you could hear the smile in his voice, and decided to go along.

“And what are those?”

“First, you have to actually tell me yourself how you feel about it,” you laughed and nodded in agreement.

“Second?”

“Second, I get to call you my girlfriend,” you burst out laughing and pulled back to see his glowing smile.

“That can be arranged, as long as I get to call you my boyfriend. And what’s the third condition?”

Jimin leaned his forehead against yours, and pecked your lips lightly.

“Third… I’m staying over tonight.”

[theteablogger]

Bullshit

Two things:

First of all, I’ve heard through the grapevine that Andy is sharing screenshots that allegedly prove that mine are fake. For what it’s worth, I have never in my life faked a screenshot of anything, let alone a screenshot of one of Andy’s posts. The most editing that I’ve done to them is to crop out extraneous material that might identify the person who sent them to me, to join screenshots together when it takes more than one to capture an entire post, to censor other people’s names and pictures or Andy’s own contact info, and occasionally to highlight something. That’s it.

Second, I’ve recently received screenshots of a Facebook post that shows what Andy is telling his friends about what’s recently happened in LA, and how Andy awareness bloggers and tf-talk are entirely to blame for it. I’m going to share it here and respond point-by-point. I realize that Andy is talking about more people than just me, but a) there are very few of us (outside tf-talk) posting about him now, and b) I can only speak for myself anyway. This is going to be long. Sorry.

(If you’d like a quick preview of Andy’s post, he’s been saying almost exactly the same things since at least 2012, so here you go.)

One major problem with this is that the “30 second cocktail party bio” is often all that people get. His former host was very clear that he hadn’t told her about leading two cults, sexually abusing people, mentally and emotionally abusing and manipulating people, and more. What little he did tell her, he blamed entirely on mental illness and made it sound like a lot of stupid internet drama.

When he refers to “listing [his] birth name and literally every screen name [he’s] had or people have suspected was [him] since 1995,” that’s obviously about me. The reason that list is featured so prominently on my blog is that Andy has used so many aliases and screen names over the years that reading about his past can be very confusing for people. Many times, even recently, I’ve seen others express surprise that Thanfiction and Victoria Bitter (for example) are the same person, although they were familiar with most of the trouble that he’d caused under both of those names. I would never, ever mention Andy’s birth name if not for the fact that his earliest known online manipulation and lies were under that name. 

Now, here’s the really big issue, for me: I have never said that Andy is a sociopathic narcissist abuser. I have never tried to label him with any specific diagnosis or even a DSM category.

Once in 2014 (before I even had a blog) I submitted a post to 1-purp0se that included something about emotional vs. cognitive empathy, positing that Andy had the latter, but not the former. I’ve regretted that part of the post ever since because I am not a mental health professional and that was only my opinion. In the years since then, I have made sure that I could substantiate everything with screenshots and I have not made anything approaching a diagnostic claim.

I have always been very clear that I have never met or personally interacted with Andy. It’s there for all to see in my FAQ. Also, I have never, ever so much as implied that Andy has abused me in any way. Anyone who thinks that I have either has not actually read my blog, or has a serious reading comprehension problem. I have never even suggested that X was anything like Andy, and have only shared those stories on my blog in hopes of being helpful to other survivors. I am disgusted by the implication that everything that I post is merely a projection of my own experiences of abuse...and at the same time, darkly amused that this is the best Andy can do to refute anything that I’ve said about him.

I have never rejected, harassed, or attacked anyone who’s contacted me about Andy. I have been attacked and harassed by people attempting to defend Andy, and I had a bit of a meltdown in 2015 when I was attempting to defend one of Andy’s friends in tf-talk.

When Andy posts social justice things, he does so in a way that shows that he has little more than a surface-level understanding of the issues, and that he’s more concerned with appearing to espouse a currently popular cause than with actually supporting it. For example, while “raising awareness” about Ferguson, he repeatedly made analogies equating black people with dogs and wild animals. He told people affected by the late-2014 wave of fake suicides in SPN fandom how they were “allowed” to feel and respond. In 2016 he made a number of posts that included misleading and false election statistics, and was very dismissive of people’s concerns about a Trump presidency. That’s the tip of the iceberg, and all that was just on Tumblr. Andy whitesplains and mansplains all the damned time.

There’s “making new friends”, and then there’s forcibly inserting yourself into a pre-existing social circle, acting like you know them all extremely well, and putting intense pressure on them to introduce you to other friends of theirs who are either connected to or actually part of the cast of the webseries on which you are currently fixated. The latter is what he did in LA, according to people who were actually there and were involved.

When Andy says good things about his friends, or other people, they are often backhanded compliments (e.g., his incredibly condescending liveblog of a friend’s SPN fic) or blatant negging (such as making extremely hurtful and gross comments about a woman’s body and following them up with over-the-top assurances that he thinks she’s beautiful). Does he do this every time he makes a positive comment about someone? I have no idea. But it happens often enough to be cause for concern.

"If people say I don’t hurt them, it’s proof that they’re brainwashed or afraid of me, etc. If friends stand up for me, that’s proof that I have created a cultish, us-against-them mentality.”

That first sentence is part of what set off my 2015 meltdown, so I’m not even touching it. I have never said anything even close to that. I have often talked about the fact that Andy has led two actual cults, and that he fosters “us-vs-them” thinking in his friends because he did and he does. Many, many former friends of Andy’s have spoken about the us-vs-them thing, and it’s evident in many of his posts over the years. 

I have never said that Andy needs to tell everyone that he is “a sociopath who was intending to inflict pain.” What makes his “apology” posts fauxpologies is that he continually finds reasons to excuse or minimize acts of abuse he has committed, to explain things away as “misunderstandings”, and to deflect blame in a variety of ways. He also tends to make significant omissions and to bend the truth as far as he can unless/until he’s called out on it.

“We know the secret.” This is hilarious because that’s exactly what Andy used to tell the Bagenders and the DAYDians: “[XYZ everyday occurrence] seems insignificant to everyone else, but because we know the secret, we understand that it’s a message from Kali and Raz,” or what have you. I think there have been a handful of times that I’ve said that something Andy’s done would have sounded innocuous coming from anyone else, but takes on more sinister overtones when his history is taken into account. These things generally have to do with specific lies Andy has told, or with specific, documented ways that he has manipulated people in the past.

This is very misleading. No one has moved the goalposts; there never were any goalposts in the first place. Nobody said, “Andy, if you do these specific things, then we’ll believe that you’ve changed and we’ll never talk about you again.” I have said, and have seen other say, that maybe if he did this or that thing it might indicate that he was serious about changing, or that something that he was doing at the time was a reason to hope that he was honestly trying to change. I and many others have also said numerous times that part of the process of moving on for Andy would have to be leaving fandom for good. Andy is the one who decided that putting on a show of leaving fandom (but still sharing fanart and trying to get other fans’ and creators’ attention via mentions and fannish tweets) was the one and only thing he needed to do in order to convince everyone that he’s a different person. 

And this next bit is the real crux of the issue: even if he really had “ticked all [the] boxes” on an imaginary list of criteria that Turimel, or tf-talk, or the Andy awareness blogs, or whoever had given him...it wouldn’t matter because he is still engaging in many problematic and abusive behaviors. He is “actively, presently committing abuse”, and I believe that he is still dangerous. I refer you again to Molly’s post about his recent stay with her. On the other hand, I have never made any claim that he is abusing Meg or the cats, or about “dozens of other current victims”. (Past victims that we don’t know about? Sure. Although I’m not very fond of the word “victim”.)

I won’t claim that I stand behind everything that’s said on tf-talk, or every post that every other blogger has made. But by all means, try to claim that there’s bias and twisting in my timeline, when it’s full of substantiating evidence in Andy’s own words and in the words of people who have been hurt by him.

I’m not sure where he’s getting “a dozen” from. There are maybe five of us blogging about him sporadically on Tumblr now (very sporadically, in most cases), and an unknown number of anons in tf-talk and fail-fandomanon. Our blogs and tf-talk often go quiet for long periods of time, and he isn’t mentioned that frequently on FFA anymore...until something like this happens.

I love the implication that no one who’s decided to stay away from Andy based on the many warning posts about him, the contents of tf-talk, Abbey’s blog, my blog, etc. has actually read any of it. They’ve all just made blind assumptions. But Andy’s not saying anything bad about them! Oh, no, they’re still smart, reasonable, good, empathetic, woke, and the kind of people that he wants to be friends with and work with. See what I mean about saying shitty things about people and then following up with lavish praise? This is also exactly what this anon on FFA was talking about. Anyway, based on my Statcounter and the fact that Google Docs will show me how many people are currently reading the timeline whenever I open it, I’m going to say that far more than .0002% of people actually read this stuff.

And here it is: it is ALL OUR FAULT that Andy hasn’t changed, even though he’s trying so hard. Comparing himself to a snake that’s had its venom sacs (not poison, Andy) removed is very disingenuous as it implies that it is now impossible for him to do significant harm. That isn’t true of anyone, let alone someone with a 20-year history of lies, manipulation, and abuse. And he actually did “bite” someone recently--again, read Molly’s post, and realize that all happened just a few days ago.

The truth does speak for itself. Those people in LA already had serious concerns about Andy before they read about him online, but they had been cutting him a lot of slack. Molly was already aware that Andy was, for example, trying to dredge up her memories of extremely abusive past relationships in order to manipulate her. She and his friends had already realized that he was constantly lying to all of them about pretty much everything. They’d already pegged him as a performative ally. They’d noticed that he negged the hell out of trans and plus-size people, specifically playing on issues of gender/body dysmorphia, and that he was competitive and condescending toward other men. All of this was based on their own direct observations of his behavior, before they had any idea about his history. And the person who filled them in wasn’t a blogger or someone from tf-talk; it was a close friend of theirs who realized who he was and felt the need to warn them.

(Also? Even if none of the LA people would say that Andy had actually harmed them--I don’t know because I haven’t talked to them all--it is evident that he at least tried to harm them psychologically and emotionally. None of the above behaviors can be waved away as accidents, especially given that they were happening regularly and frequently.)

So what is Andy to do? Maybe stop doing the things listed above, for a start. If what his friends read online (again, after spending time with him in person for a couple weeks) really hadn’t matched what they knew of him personally, the outcome would have been very different. But they’d already been comparing notes on his shitty behavior, and when they read the links they’d been sent, everything that had been happening suddenly made sense. That’s why they kicked him out. If you’re a manipulative asshole, people may be willing to let things slide for a while--but when they find out that you’ve been doing the same shit and worse for 20 years, yes, everything might just be snatched away from you. And that’s your own fucking fault.

Here’s a further comment from Andy:

This is fucking disgusting.

Other than the occasional tf-talk anon, the only person who has regularly (as in, more than an off-hand comment) compared specific words and behaviors of Andy’s to a past abuser of their own was Delwynmarch. And that was several years ago; it’s been a long time since he posted anything at all. Del had his fair share of insightful, on-point analytical posts, too--like his breakdown of Andy’s attempt to explain away his admission of having committed rape and sexual abuse. It’s incredibly disingenuous and dismissive to suggest that the volumes of information and analysis that others have written amount to nothing more than projection, and that we’re just a bunch of poor, ignorant babies who don’t realize how misguided we are. He feels sorry for us. Give me a fucking break.

I have been open about being a survivor of abuse and having lost people in my life to cults. While that is part of what inspired me to start blogging about Andy, that doesn’t mean that it is the entire basis for all of my opinions and analysis. Andy is fond of analogies, so I’ll use one here: This is like saying that because I was once bitten by a dog, any time that I feel the need to correct my own dog’s behavior, I’m obviously just projecting my past experience onto him, so I should just back off and let him keep shitting on the rug.

Furthermore, as much as he likes to say that we don’t know him and therefore shouldn’t act like we understand him...I know Andy a hell of a lot better than he knows me. I’ve been reading others’ words about him since 2003, and I have probably millions of his own words about his life, his mental health, fandom, and a host of other topics, dating back to 1998. All he knows of me is what little he sees on this blog. 

Nice try, Andy, but I neither need nor want your sympathy. Nor do I accept any measure of blame for what happened last week. You did it to yourself.

[whisker-biscuit]

Harley Quinn is Not A Good Role Model: Chapter 9

Rated T-M for language and graphic descriptions of violence

Pairing: Dr. Flug/Black Hat

Summary: Dr. Flug Slys is a successful psychiatrist working at one of the world’s most respected mental institutes for the criminally insane. But this new patient is unlike anything he’s ever encountered. Flug is determined to help him, nonetheless.

Black Hat has other ideas.

Chapter 9: Feeling Are Illogical

This has been quite the peculiar day.

First in the matter of its abnormality was that my two most frequent sentries, who have been silent as death in their vigil since my arrival, had become unnervingly unconcerned with the danger their job entailed – guarding me, the most harrowing thing – and were now seeing fit to chat between themselves like a pair of irritating school children standing in a lunch line. I did not care to learn their names, I did not care to hear their conversation, and I did not care to let them know how much their inattentiveness irked me. Comfortableness leads to error, after all. So I retreated to the far corner of my cushioned cell in its limited refuge.

I stayed in that position for so long that I lost track of time and forgot myself and my surroundings, feeling instead the tug of the subconscious and falling into the depths of my ingenuity. I was still aware of any changes in the physical world, but for all intents and purposes I was not actually there. If not for the damned collar around my neck, it would have become a literal thing as well.

When I came back to myself some hours later, it was to find dear Dr. Flug conversing with my jailors in abhorrent chumminess. It was enough to bring an angry tint to my eye that the psychiatrist must have noticed, because he turned in that moment and we made eye contact. I knew he had been discussing me – it was written all over his sagged, sacked face. I joined the little powwow in my own terms and learned exactly what was going on.

My anomaly proceeded to surprise me yet again, demanding my attention and my word. Such a manner of action I would normally perceive as rude and unbecoming, but on his visage it could almost be considered brave. It was enough to intrigue me, and when he correctly guessed that I was indeed a creature of my word, it pleased me for reasons I could not immediately distinguish.

His disgusting, syrupy smile threw me off even more so, and I was forced to retreat again, defeated even as my opponent failed to realize his participation. I loathed and luxuriated in the feelings it brought and gnashed my teeth at the troublesome contradictions.

Now, the complexities of language have always been one of the few aspects of culture I can truthfully say I appreciate from the unfortunately domineering species on this planet. Metaphors, word plays, and related nuances are especially interesting to watch as they change and develop over the decades. Some, of course, are less interesting than others. I’m not particularly fond of the phrase ‘it never ceases to amaze me’ yet am often amused by it, because humans as a whole have such pathetic minds that it’s no wonder they are constantly in awe of the things they can’t grasp – which is quite the multitude, I can assure you.

Occasionally I am forced to concede the usefulness of phrases such as that one, and this was one of those instances. Dr. Flug Slys had so far exceeded every expectation, sidestepped almost every snare, and caused contradictions that I very rarely experience from humans. I hated that, hated how I have been unable to read him so readily as I have so many others. That wasn’t even mentioning his darkness, which I still had yet to fully pinpoint and desired to know every juicy morsel about it. It was thrilling and perplexing and altogether something I was not used to.

‘Not used to’ was not a sentence I have needed to use to refer to myself in a very, very long time.

The day took an abrupt turn after that to territory resembling a circus act, if I may be frank. A group of medical doctors came to my hallway corner, accompanied by Flug who buzzed around as a dumb little busy bee. They all fretted and fussed over a giant blue bear wearing a fitted green sweater, of all things. It was downright deplorable.

Just as my psychiatrist had informed me, this pitiful excuse for an inmate was ushered into a neighboring padded room and I took the risk of inching along one wall to obtain a better look at the procession. Flug was wrapped in the bear’s gigantic arms, whispering his psychologist promises and making a fool of himself, but the others did not seem to notice or mind it. Infuriating.

Most of the physicians gave mumbled opinions and medical babble and were content enough to leave mere minutes after their source of scrutiny was successfully stuck in its cell. A few were stupid enough to look in the direction of my window, but I knew they couldn’t see me. Lights of all kinds – electrical, oil, fluorescent, it didn’t matter – would always malfunction in periods of long exposure to my presence, and at nearly five days these ones were too far gone to recover.

It took far too long, but eventually the only ones left were the bear, Flug, and my two barely-vigilant but ever-present security force. The new inmate gurgled in some vague semblance of sanity and speech and I could feel my lips curl involuntarily in disgust. But I had told Dr. Flug that I would not provoke unless made to do so, and I am a fiend of my word.

My psychiatrist finally spoke words that no longer dripped sickening honey, and it perked me into giving my attention.

“It’ll only be for a-a little while, okay? No longer than two weeks, your doctor promised me. Look, I even brought all your toys and things, see? We can arrange them later or play with them if you’d like.”

The bear sat despondently in his room, unwilling to let go of Flug even as the doctor attempted to bring his gaze towards some stuffed animal. I scoffed at the sight and received an actual, heated glare from my anomaly. He was growing balls yet again.

“Okay, 505, I need you to listen carefully. There’s another patient i-in that room over there, see that? No, I know you can’t see him in the dark, I can’t see him right now either but he’s there, okay? Now he’s my newest patient, the one you smelled earlier – easy! It’s alright, he’s not gonna hurt you!”

I flicked one eyebrow up in unconcerned enjoyment as Flug tried unsuccessfully to keep his giant, heavy, struggling bear from knocking over his sad little painting canvas. They didn’t so much wrestle but awkwardly fumbled around, one having the sensible goal to get as far away from my room as possible and the other trying to hold him. I decided I’d help things along.

“Perhaps there is something I could do, dear doctor?”

The instant freeze-up from patient and guardian was downright hilarious. I stepped again to my window and offered my most winning smile. The bear, 505 as he seemed to be called, gave a lovely little whimper and became as still as a hunted deer. Flug expressed the further growth of his distasteful disrespect by planting himself in front of the creature and crossing his arms.

“I thought we p-promised you wouldn’t mess with him.”

Saying ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ – a common trope most used to avoid blame or individual responsibility. I had the distinct notion he frequented this phrase far too often.

“Why, Dr. Flug, we did indeed, but I am not ‘messing with him’ as you so crudely imply. I am simply offering my services in your patient’s readjustment. Surely there is something I can do?”

“N-No thank you.” My psychiatrist clenched his teeth in a wonderful grating of bone and turned his back – turned his back on me! – in order to give his full attention to the sniffling bear. “505, it’s really okay. I asked him to leave you a-alone and he will, I promise. There are cameras up here and he can’t get out –”

“Don’t bet your life on that, Flug.”

“…He can’t get out and I won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll visit every single day instead of every two, and we’ll do finger painting tomorrow just like I said we would. Alright?”

505 had enough instinct to keep his bulging eyes on me even as he nodded. They hugged, a long and nauseating process, and then Dr. Flug removed himself from the room, closing the door. I could no longer see the bear and would have to move my position to do so, but instead I remained where I was as my psychiatrist marched up to my window with a squeaky little hiss.

“W-What are you doing?”

“I’m standing here, Doctor.”

“You know e-exactly what I mean,” he took ahold of his headwear and tugged at it none too gently. “I had your, your word. You said you’d leave h-him alone.”

“So I did.” I made an observation of his body language, having never encountered it before. Angry bag creases around the goggles, which itself was doing nothing to mute the furious betrayal in his eyes. He was rigid – a common occurrence but the foreign emotions were adding a layer of fight to his stance instead of the usual flight. His fists were trembling only just.

I narrowed my eyes in contemplation of what these changes looked like on my doctor and what I thought of it. He was still glaring at me expectantly, so I threw him a proverbial bone.

“I was simply offering my assistance, Dr. Slys. I have never gone against my word and I have no plans on doing so now. I will leave your 505 alone so long as he leaves me be in return.”

“But you – he w-wasn’t – fine. Just, fine. I’ve g-got enough to worry about right now, I won’t p-poke the hornet’s nest.” He pressed the palms of his hands against his goggles, pushing them into his face. No doubt that was very painful.

“An excellent idea, Doctor. I’ll pass your courteousness along to the hornets.”

Flug shook his head in disbelief and took one last measured glance at the bear, who was peeking carefully out of his barred window. They waved pitifully at each other before the psychiatrist left, and I kept my eyes on him for as long as I was able. My guards trotted along dutifully after him, my guess to gossip.

This 505 character had his terrified gaze on me and I felt all my previous irritation return full force. I gave him a clear look of distain and he whined and shuffled but did not hide. I raised an eyebrow.

“It appears we are at an impasse, bear.” I lounged lazily against my door. “I cannot provoke you without due cause, and although your mere presence is quite vexing you haven’t actually done anything to warrant my aggression. At least, not according to our dear doctor.”

The bear made a noise that I suppose could technically be classified as speech. It was barbaric, but easy enough to decipher.

“Because he asked me not to, and I vowed to him that I would not. Is that really so hard to believe, bear?”

There was a reply that told me in no uncertain terms that yes, it was very hard to believe. He sniffed the air and shuddered, providing another topic for the pointless conversation.

“So you can smell me? That isn’t uncommon among animals. I have a magnetic presence to many species.” Except humans – the dense, ignorant whelps that they were. “What of it?”

‘Why doctor smell like you?’

“I am his patient, bear, same as you. We don’t participate in…infernal displays of affection as unprofessional as you displayed earlier, but I have reminded him of his place. Surely you have noticed his limp from days ago?”

‘Dark spot,’ the bear looked down at himself. I could see only to his neck and assumed he was referring to his chest or stomach.

“Dark spot? Do you mean a bruise?” The affirming nod made me chuckle. “Yes, that would be my mark. I have not seen it, personally, and I’m surprised you had that chance. Flug seems rather prude. What was the coloring?”

My unwanted neighbor grimaced and pointed at me. It took me but a moment to realize.

“A black bruise? Oh, how wonderfully nasty.” I tilted my head as the bear swallowed nervously and fidgeted. He seemed to share some traits with his care provider. “I can’t help but notice you are not restrained as I am. How have you managed that, bear?”

Shoulders shrugging and befuddled blinking were my answer. It set a bothersome twinge of jealousy into the brim of my hat, but I supposed it made sense. This thing was no danger to anyone. If I was being begrudgingly honest, he really didn’t belong in this place, either.

I wondered if Flug shared a similar thought.

“Bear, I have another question.” He shook in place and it made me roll my eyes. “Come off it, I am only keeping up our small chat as a matter of necessity. I do not have the privileges to pass the time as you seem to.”

This we seemed to agree on, at least, because the patient unfurled himself just a little and responded fairly less hesitantly. ‘What?’

“What do you think of your doctor?”

‘Oh,’ he cocked his big fluffy head at me, almost enough to trigger my gag reflex. ‘Good doctor, friend. Helps me. Plays with me. Best friend!’ This statement was topped off with a horrendously cheerful, dimpled smile that had me flexing my claws within their confines. My accursed collar beeped at me in warning.

“Is that all? Just shallow, silly things?” I started to turn away, feeling like I had wasted time even in its abundance.

‘Broken. Like me.’

I stopped short and snapped my neck around to meet his gaze. I was so startled that I didn’t take pleasure in the bear’s wince from the sound of cracking bones. He looked very unsettled at my change in attitude but I cared very little to keep up appearances with this morsel of information just beyond my reach.

“What do you mean, broken.” It was expected of him, demanded of him, and he knew it.

‘Ah, ah…’ the patient tucked his snout just below the window, to where I could not see his mouth. ‘I’m broken. Hurt. Hurt by people. Hurt by –’ the bear cut himself off and started whining nonsensically. I recognized the signs of distress and was forced to back down in remembrance of my promise to my doctor.

“Goddamn it.” It took every ounce of willpower I had to step away from my door, but I did it successfully and sild down against the wall, crossing my legs and listening to the cursed bear whine and whimper and slowly come back to himself.

I waited until there was definite silence from his side before I returned to my feet and peered out the window. I could see about half of the bear, laying on the floor and cuddling pathetically with a stuffed purple whale.

Every time I learned something about Dr. Flug, it only seemed to lead to more questions. He had a delicious sort of darkness, and from what I gathered was very protective of his inmates to the point of gaining a rare expression of bravery. There was little doubt he would go to great lengths for the bear, if not all of his patients. It made me wonder whether he’d extend that protectiveness to my person.

He was also apparently ‘broken’, but in what way and how much remained to be seen. It frustrated me greatly, forced to watch my words and my actions in this horrible prison when all I wanted to do was take.

That bear was a nuisance. He was a nuisance even before he arrived, for causing my confrontation with my doctor and making Flug act the way he did, the root of my bemusing contradictions. The bear was even more of a nuisance now that I knew he had such valuable information but could crack so easily. I would have to tread very carefully to get what I desired.

One thing was undoubtable however – this patient was more useful to me than I first thought. How useful exactly was the question, but the feeling in what passed as my ‘gut’ told me it was very, very much so.  And it all revolved around one solitary little twig of a human who hid his identity behind paper and seemed just as breakable.

A most peculiar day indeed.

Just a few more chapters and I’ll be all caught up, hooray! 

[justandersons]

paragraph 002 - wellington prep

WHO: Alexander Smythe and Blaine Anderson

WHEN: Saturday 18th August

WHERE: Across Campus

NOTES: Alex takes Blaine for a walk across campus, but has another motive behind their walk - he wants to fuck Blaine somewhere public.

Alex Smythe

Waking up with Blaine curled against his side had been a pleasant experience. He was warm and soft and the way he'd managed to tangle himself up in Alex's limbs had been the most endearing sight. Naturally, that had lead to sweet kisses and sweet kisses had led to some of the best morning sex he'd had. He'd thought Blaine made a pretty picture tied up but having him writhe and cry out his name while he pounded into him had been something else entirely. While they were getting dressed, he'd remembered his promise of finding a way to make Blaine feel like he was there for Alex to take as and when he pleased. He'd stopped him before he could cover up completely and explained that today, he was going to remain prepped and plugged for his pleasure. He'd wasted no time in bending him over the side of the bed and pressing the toy inside him. Throughout the course of the day, he touched and teased him; on several occasions bringing him to the brink of his orgasm but always denying him at the last minute. They'd just finished dinner and he'd called a servant slave to take their plates back to the kitchen. He turned to Blaine with a bright smile. 'You know, I think I'd like to go out for a walk. Walk off the meal a little.' he elaborated. 'Go get your shoes B. I want you to join me.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine wasn't sure when sex had become something he craved, but he knew it was something to do with their situation. Alex was so gentle with him and it had taken him by surprise. The morning after had been full of slow, sweet sex and Blaine was well and truly fucked by the other man that morning. It'd been amazing and he never thought he'd crave someone inside of him as much as he did with Alex and yet, here he was. So when the Master told him he'd be wearing a plug all day, Blaine was more than happy to do so. It'd been uncomfortable but in the best way possible. He'd been hard all day and every time he was edged, he was sure he wouldn't be able to hold back. But he'd been good and he'd managed to hold his orgasm, which was exactly what Alex wanted. "Of course, Sir," Blaine said, getting to his feet immediately. He nodded, reaching for his shoes and slipping them on, his movements slow and careful due to the plug nestled deep inside. Once he was ready, Blaine reached for Alex's shoes and carefully set them on his feet, wanting to serve him in more ways than sex. "Do you know where you'd like to go?"

Alex Smythe

His fingers immediately found their way into Blaine's hair as he ducked to place his shoes by his feet. This was a luxury he didn't often have; a boy who anticipated and catered to his needs before he even had the opportunity to voice them. With a light tug, he guided Blaine's face towards his and he kissed him. 'Good boy.' he muttered simply. The praise wasn't enough to really convey just how impressed he'd been with Blaine but for now, it was all he had. He slid his feet into his vans and tied them quickly; springing to stand upright. 'I can't think of anywhere in particular.' he answered honestly, despite the fact he knew exactly where he wanted them to go. 'I just want to get out of the suite for a little while; as nice as it is to be holed up in here with you.' he grinned. He slid a hand into his pocket, confirming that he did indeed have lube and a condom there. He held his hand out for Blaine to take, waiting by the door for the other man to join him.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine gasped softly when his face was pulled up so they were looking at each other and hummed against Alex's lips. There it was again, that praise. It sent a thrill down his spine and he loved it. He nodded at his words, pushing himself to his feet again so he was facing Alex properly, shifting a little uncomfortably. The plug pressed against him in all the right ways and he'd been hard for most of the day, so it was difficult for him to ignore how good it felt. "That sounds like a good idea," he said, nodding. "I agree, as much fun as it is to be locked in a room with you, I think some fresh air would do us some good." Blaine's cheeks turned pink when he saw Alex offer his hand and reached to take it, squeezing gently as he made sure he had everything he needed. "My favourite place on campus is definitely the big oak tree," he said as they walked, happy that he could feel so relaxed around him. "I love sitting beneath it with a book and just losing myself in it."

Alex Smythe

He laced their fingers together easily and led him out of the suite, turning back only to lock the door behind him. He listened to Blaine talk with a content smile. 'Then perhaps we'll make that our first stop.' he suggested. He was sure there would be a few interesting stares given the way their hands were intertwined but he couldn't bring himself to care. For the weekend at least, Blaine was his and frankly, he enjoyed keeping the dark haired boy close to his side. He walked at a leisurely pace knowing Blaine would be filling the plug shift inside him with every step. He wanted to tease him but he didn't want the experience to be one that was too uncomfortable. 'How are you feeling B?' he prompted. He'd been sure to check in on him periodically throughout the day. He couldn't assume his comfort just by the fact he appeared to have enjoyed his touch.

Blaine Anderson

"Really? I'd like that, Sir, although I don't think I'll be able to sit under there at the moment, what with... well, you know," he said with a shy smile, covering his face with his free hand to hide his blush. It was nice, though, walking through the school holding Alex's hand as though they didn't have a care in the world. It was certainly a new experience for Blaine, anyway. "I'm feeling okay," he said honestly, biting his lip a little. "I'm a little on edge right now because of the plug and because I feel like everyone is going to know, but I promise I'm okay," he added to reassure him, leaning into him ever so slightly as the two walked. "I know you worry about me, Sir, but I promise I'm okay. I'll tell you if I'm not."

Alex Smythe

He lifted his arm, fingers still laced with Blaine’s, and draped it over his shoulders which meant Blaine’s arm crossed over his chest.  ‘You look fucking gorgeous when you blush like that.’ He whispered, leaning in to talk directly against Blaine’s ear, nipping slightly at his lobe as he pulled back. The slightly cooler evening air was welcome, refreshing as they stepped outside the building. ‘I know you’ll tell me.’ He replied, although he didn’t entirely believe he would. ‘But I like to check in on you regardless. I’ve demanded a lot from you today and what kind of Master would I be if I didn’t ensure you weren’t suffering?’ The question was rhetorical; he knew how many Masters didn’t care if a slave was suffering. ‘You know, I think I like the idea of people knowing. I like the idea of them looking at you and knowing you’re mine for the taking, ready to be fucked and used whenever, however I want you to be.’’ He spoke at a normal volume this time, with the potential to be overheard by anyone who walked too closely by them. Blaine had this was the sort of thing he liked the night before; granted, he’d turned up the heat and incorporated elements of his own fantasies and he could only hope of gave Blaine the same pleasant buzz.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine liked being in Alex's arms like this and couldn't stop the smile from tugging at the corners of his lips. His blush only deepened as Alex spoke and he hid his face again, swallowing hard. Of course Alex liked the idea of everyone knowing he was his, at least for the weekend. He gave a nervous laugh as they walked across campus, squeezing Alex's hand. "I'm sure they'd be incredibly jealous. Who wouldn't want to be used by you whenever you wanted?" Blaine let go of Alex gently when they approached the oak tree, moving to lean against it and sighing. "I like knowing I'm ready for you to use, Sir. It's pretty hot."

Alex Smythe

He moved to stand in front of him, pressing his full body along the length of Blaine’s. His hands squeezed his waist and subtly rolled his hips forward to grind against the other boy’s crotch. ‘You see that’s what I was hoping would happen this weekend. I was hoping you’d discover something that turned you on.’ He grinned. Inwardly, he was almost disappointed that someone else would benefit from his discovery. He thought about fucking him then and there but the grounds felt a little too exposed, there was too much risk of an audience and he didn’t know how much Blaine would enjoy exhibitionism. ‘I should tell you just how impressed I am with your self-control today.’ He stole as kiss, nipping at Blaine’s lower lip. He wasn’t soft this time. There was something about having him pinned somewhere with an audience that made him hungrier, fiercer.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine couldn't help but let out a soft groan as he was pinned against the tree by Alex's body. The roll against his hips was like torture and he gasped sharply, his length aching at the slight pressure. "You've definitely found things that turn me on, Sir," he said with a shaky laugh, shifting a little. The kiss was unexpected, rougher than before but Blaine loved it, kissing Alex back immediately. His hands rested on the others chest, fingers slowly curling into the material of his shirt. "I want to please you," he said honestly. "You've edged me so many times, I can barely feel my legs. But I want to be good for you, Sir."

Alex Smythe

He wondered why Blaine wanted to be good for him. Was it just the way he’d been brought up? Or was it something to do with him personally? Had he done something to make Blaine want to be good for him? He didn’t want to ask because he wanted the answer to be the latter although he suspected the former. ‘I promise when I do let you go over the edge, it’s going to feel even better than before.’ He punctuated his statement with another kiss. There was a lot to be said for kissing; he didn’t think people delighted in it nearly enough. Reluctantly he straightened himself and reached for Blaine’s hand again. ‘I think I wanna see the choir room. Think you could lead the way B?’ He prompted.

Blaine Anderson

The promise of being made to feel good, that was keeping him going. He couldn't wait to go over the edge, to let Alex make him feel this good. Blaine groaned against his lips as they kissed. He never wanted to stop, wanting to completely submit to the other. But now was not the time, apparently, because Alex pulled away  and took his hand again. It took Blaine's brain a moment to catch up with what he'd said but he was grinning in response and nodding. "Of course, Sir! You know how often I'm in there, what with Warbler practice. Have you really never been there? I think I've spent more time there than I have anywhere else!" Blaine said as he began to lead them across campus again, keeping a firm grip on his hand as they walked.

Alex Smythe

Blaine was a puppy. It was the first image that flashed across his mind as the younger man excitedly led him across campus. 'I've made one trip to play the piano for a while but I've not been often enough to be able to navigate myself there from anywhere on campus.' he explained. He was almost disappointed he wouldn't have the opportunity to hear Blaine sing this evening and he made a mental note to request he be informed of the next performance that invited an audience. He became more alert once they came closer to the room in question; instead of just focusing all his attention on Blaine, he made sure to look around, gauge how busy the surrounding corridors were so he could determine if it truly was a good spot for what he had planned.

Blaine Anderson

"You'll have to play the piano for me one day," Blaine said with a smile, looking up at Alex and grinning. "It's my favourite instrument to play. That, and the guitar. But there's something so soothing about the piano, you know? I really love it." He noticed there weren't many people around and he wasn't surprised - it was the weekend and it was warm outside, most people were out enjoying the evening sunshine. Blaine stopped when they reached the choir room, letting go of Alex's hand and making his way over to the piano, pressing a key down gently. "I do like it in here, Sir," he said honestly. "It's just so relaxing."

Alex Smythe

'I was a rather flighty kid and I liked to dip my fingers in as many different paint pots as I could manage. The piano was one of them. I came home from school one day and I demanded I be allowed to learn to play it.' He explained as he followed Blaine's path across the room, coming to a stop by the instrument. 'My Father was happy to indulge me. I was his favourite child then so it's not surprising. I didn't stick at many things but this was something I always came back to.' he smiled, and snaked his arm around Blaine's waist. 'But you know, that's really quite off topic. Not at all what I was thinking about when I suggested we come here.' he continued, his fingers finding their way under the fabric of Blaine's shirt so he could press against one of the bruises he'd left on his hips.  'I want to fuck you B. Right here, and right now.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine listened carefully, unable to help his smile. Alex never really spoke about his parents so he enjoyed listening, biting his lip. He'd never been his father's favourite: he'd been disappointed that his son was a slave, but it didn't matter. He'd always been closer to his mom. Alex's hand around his waist had him leaning closer and a sharp gasp escaped him at the pressure against the bruises on his skin, looking up at Alex. "You... You want to fuck me h-here?" He asked, glancing at the door nervously. "What if someone walks in, Alex? Won't we get in trouble?"

Alex Smythe

'You can say no. I won't force you and I won't be angry if this is too much.' he began, shifting so that he was standing directly in front of Blaine instead of just beside him. 'But yes, I would like to fuck you right here. Against that wall right there so that the next time you're standing up there singing and looking out over the room, all you can think about is me.' He rubbed small circles against his hips, hoping that his touch was soothing in a way that allowed Blaine to really focus on what he was saying and not just worry about being caught. 'I don't think we'll get in trouble. I've stumbled across several people getting frisky. There's nothing in the rules that forbids it, and frankly, the idea that we might get caught adds to the excitement. A little exhibitionism never hurt anyone.' He leaned in for a kiss but instead whispered against his lips. 'I am absolutely desperate to have you B.'

Blaine Anderson

"It's not too much," Blaine said in response, swallowing harshly at how close they were suddenly. God, it was hot, being this close to the other. The gentle touches helped with his nerves and he leaned into his touch a little more, the action subconscious. "I want you too, Alex," Blaine said quietly against his lips, reaching up to rest a hand on Alex's face. But then Blaine was closing the gap between them and kissing him hard, pulling him closer. "I want you to fuck me. Please. The plug isn't enough anymore. I need you."

Alex Smythe

He was more than happy to oblige. Thus far, he'd been relatively slow and sweet with Blaine but now he was more forceful. He put it down to his own eagerness. Edging and teasing Blaine throughout the day had been as much of a turn-on for him and he'd resisted the urge to do anything about it up until now. He kissed him hungrily; and with his hands tight on his waist, he walked Blaine backwards until he was trapped between the wall and his body. This wasn't about being sensual or sweet; it was just about desire and it was evident that Blaine desired him in the same way. He kept kissing him, nipping at his lower lip while his hands fiddled with the zipper of his pants. This wasn't a new position for him to be in and he considered it his party trick that he could strip someone of their pants without really concentrating on it.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine let the other move him until he was pinned to the wall, their lips still pressed together in what could only be described as a filthy kiss. He felt the hands on his pants and pulled back for a moment to help Alex out. But he didn't want to be half-dressed so reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head, leaving him completely naked for the other, grinning. Blaine was still nervous someone would walk in but what Alex said had comforted him. There weren't any rules about it and he'd seen plenty of people having sex across campus. Blaine's hands moved down to Alex's length, despite how hard his own was and despite still having the plug pressed inside of him, and he began to stroke him, moving his lips to nip at the skin on his neck.

Alex Smythe

'You're getting so forward B.' he said, although his words mingled with the moan that left his lips as Blaine nipped at his neck. He titled his head to one side, giving him easier access. His neck was sensitive and if Blaine wanted to kiss him there, he certainly wasn't going to do anything to stop him. It was a curious dynamic; his pants were round his ankles, his shirt still in place, and Blaine - Blaine had managed to lose all this clothing. His hand slid him his waist and down his thigh. 'Lift your leg babe and hook it around my waist.' he instructed. His hand immediately moved to slide between them to toy with the plug that had filled the boy all day. He twisted it; teasing it in and out of Blaine slightly. 'Do you want my cock B?' he asked, grinning at him. 'Or should I just fuck you with this little toy?'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine nodded at the simple command and did what he was told, hooking his leg around Alex's waist, exposing him even more than he already was. The plug filled him wonderfully, of course he did, but it wasn't enough and he wanted him. Blaine groaned softly as the other toyed with it, clenching around it a little and letting his head fall back. "I want your cock, Alex," he said immediately, fingers gripping at his shirt again and pulling him closer so their lips met once more. "Please, please, I'm so hard, I can barely stand it. I need you to fuck me. Don't care how, I just need your cock, Sir."

Alex Smythe

The begging was intoxicating. This was why he'd teased Blaine so thoroughly; he wanted him to be utterly desperate by the time they reached this stage. The way he alternated between using his name, and his title was divine. Both sounded wonderful coming from Blaine's now kiss-swollen lips and only encouraged him to keep going. With a quick swipe, he pulled the plug and allowed it to fall to the floor. It was easy to forget they were in a public place and frankly, he wouldn't have stopped what he was doing even if an audience gathered. 'Fuck.' he groaned, pulling back. 'The condom's in my pants.' It did take away from the moment slightly and he was reluctant to detangle himself from the other. 'Shit. Give me a second.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine gasped loudly when the plug was removed and he felt horribly empty, clenching around nothing. He was aching and desperate for the other and kept a firm grip of him as they kissed, eager for Alex to fuck him. But then he was speaking again and pulling away and Blaine was frowning. "I don't care," he said, immediately pulling him closer. "Go without, I trust you. Fuck, Alex, I just need you to fuck me. I need you, please."

Alex Smythe

It was normally something he was such a stickler for. He didn't fuck anyone without protection; especially slaves because frankly, he didn't trust other Masters to care for protection when it came to them. But Blaine was frowning and he wanted that look off his face as quickly as possible. And then he was begging again. He needed him and that was a feeling Alexander always craved. 'As you wish.' He held the base of his length with one hand and positioned himself against Blaine's hole. With a hard thrust forward, he was fully sheathed inside him and a low groan rumbled from his chest at the sensation. 'You feel fucking incredible.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine wasn't stupid, he knew he was clean. He made sure he was tested regularly, just in case. And he trusted Alex to be the same. So when the other spoke, Blaine almost breathed a sigh of relief. Almost. Because as soon as he'd said the words, he was gripping himself and thrusting inside, causing a low, harsh groan to escape Blaine as he clenched around his length, his body adjusting to Alex's size. "As do you, Sir," he said softly, leaning up to kiss him gently. "You're so big and god, I feel so full. Always want to be full with your cock, Alex. You feel amazing."

Alex Smythe

He couldn't kiss him properly because he was grinning into it. 'You're so needy B.' he teased, giving him time to get used to the stretch. Despite having been prepped, it wasn't quite like being fucked and the last thing he wanted to do was actually hurt Blaine or make less unpleasant for him in any way. 'I think I could make being full a more regular occurrence.' he promised.  He breathed deeply and slowly started to move his hips. He made a few shallow thrusts to find a rhythm but after that, he didn't hold back. This was primal and needy and all he could think about was how much he wanted Blaine to wake up feeling this. He wanted him to limp back to his suite.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine couldn't even bring himself to make a comment back to Alex about him being needy, because right now? He was. He was desperate to feel him and loved being full like this. He nodded at those words, more than happy to make this a regular thing. The thrusts started off shallow but in no time at all, Alex was fucking into Blaine harshly and all he could do was take it, holding onto the Master like he was the only thing keeping him grounded. Blaine couldn't help but moan, loudly too, as he was fucked, uncaring if anyone walking past could hear. Right now, all he could focus on was just how fucking good he felt.

Alex Smythe

His hands, for a while, roamed the expanse of Blaine's body blindly. He lost himself in the way Blaine clenched around him, the way his breath felt in hot pants and loud moans against his skin and the way his eyes only fell on him. He pounded into him relentlessly, trusting that if he did get too rough Blaine would be quick to ask him to ease up slightly. He hoped he wouldn't; this was what he had meant when he told Cordelia he didn't want his partners to be breakable. He held his hand up to Blaine's mouth. 'Lick.' he demanded.

Blaine Anderson

Usually, Blaine hated anything rough. There was something about sex and roughness that he didn't think went well together. But with Alex, it was a different story. He loved the relentless pounding, each thrust reminding Blaine that he was his, at least for this weekend, and he knew he'd never be able to forget this moment. The whole time he was in the Warblers, he'd always remember this and what it was like to be well and truly fucked by Alex in this spot. Blaine opened his eyes at the demand and nodded, obeying easily as he was fucked and licking a stripe up the palm of Alex's hand.

Alex Smythe

'Good boy.' He'd seen on so many occasions throughout their time together just how much Blaine melted and thrilled when he was praised and Alexander wasn't shy in giving it out. He moved that hand between them and closed his fist around Blaine's flushed cock. 'The lube's in my pants too so I had to do something.' he smirked, explaining why he'd had Blaine lick his hand. He pumped him quickly, in time with every thrust of his hips. The room was filled with the sound of it; skin slapping against skin, and breathless, needy moans. He couldn't identify who was breathing heavier; himself or Blaine.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine couldn't help but smile a little at the praise, immediately feeling warm and happy at those simple words. He nodded at his words, whining loudly when he felt the hand on his cock. "I figured, Sir," he said with a cheeky wink, letting his head falling back as he was stroked in time with the harsh thrusts. Blaine had been so close all day, his cock leaking at the head, and he knew he couldn't last much longer. If Alex edged him again though, Blaine was sure he'd lose it. "Please, Sir," he said in a strained voice, opening his eyes to look up at him. "Please, I need to cum. It's been so long, please. Please, Sir."

Alex Smythe

Blaine had lasted considerably longer than he'd expected he would. His stamina and self-control were something to be admired and he was sure he'd want to test him over and over again if only to work him back into this desperate needy state. He had no intention of denying him further. 'Cum for me then B. Scream my name and cum for me. I want anyone walking past to hear you.' he encouraged, slowing his thrusts only slightly so he could focus on pumping his cock until he climaxed. His own orgasm wasn't far off and he couldn't wait to see how Blaine responded to his continued fucking at the height of his sensitivity.

Blaine Anderson

It was instant; as soon as he had permission, Blaine's orgasm hit and he was spilling over Alex's hand, messing it and his own chest. He clenched around Alex's length hard as his release washed over him, a loud cry of his name leaving him. Blaine's head had fallen back, even as the thrusts continued, slower than before, and he continued to cry out in ecstasy as the other moved, despite how sensitive he was. Blaine's entire body shook and he could barely hold his own weight, wrapping his arms around Alex to keep himself steady.

Alex Smythe

'Good boy. You're fucking incredible Blaine.' he hummed, leaning his head forward to speak against his ear. 'I can hold you up.' Gradually, he returned to a more punishing pace, now exclusively chasing his own orgasm. He was close. He could feel the steady tug of pleasure pool and twist in the pit of his stomach. He found it more difficult to take now; his breath came in heavy pants as he took Blaine for all he had. Finally, his own orgasm washed over him and Blaine's name left his lips in an almost prayer like  chant as he shallowly thrust through his own climax. Drained and fulfilled, he leaned against Blaine; relying on the wall behind him to support them both as he gathered himself together again.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine nodded at the words, clearly a little spaced out from his orgasm. But then the pace changed and the thrusts were relentless as Alex pounded into him. Blaine was overly sensitive and was practically screaming as he was fucked, holding onto Alex tightly as his body shook from the overwhelming pleasure. But then it hit him and he felt the other spill inside him and Blaine almost sighe in relief, peppering gentle kisses along Alex's jaw as they both came dwon from their highs. Blaine didn't say anything, not immediately, but merely pulled back a little so he could look at Alex, unable to stop himself from smiling at him.

Alex Smythe

He didn't want to pull out just yet; he wanted the moment to last a little bit longer than it already had. 'What's that fucking smile about hm?' he asked, his eyes hooded with residual desire as he met Blaine's gaze. He pulled out a little and then his eyes spied the plug, nestled on top of Blaine's shirt. 'I'm gonna pull out B. I want you to clench your cheeks for me; don't let a single drop spill, do you understand?' he smirked. He pulled out slowly, a whimper catching in his throat at just how sensitive he felt and on slightly unsteady legs, he ducked down to pick up the plug. 'You're gonna walk back to my suite knowing just how full you are.' he informed him, a last minute addition to his original plan. He pressed the plug back inside him, encouraging him to relax as he did so. He kissed him briefly and brushed his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair, pushing it back from his face. 'How're you feeling B?'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine's cheeks grew warm at the question and he ducked his head shyly. "I was just... it was just because I think you're amazing, Sir," he said quietly, biting his lip a little. As soon as he felt Alex pull out, Blaine gave a loud whine but clenched anyway, determined to do exactly what he was told. He nodded at the words, despite how nervous it made him, and moaned loudly as the plug was pushed back inside, clenching around it. Blaine swayed on his feet a little as the other straightened up and hummed a little against his lips, bringing a hand to run through his curls. "I'm... I'm o-okay," he said voice shaking a little. "I'm beyond sensitive right now and I'm going to struggle to walk back to your suite, Sir. You may need to help me."

Alex Smythe

He ruffled slightly at the praise. Somehow Blaine saying he was incredible felt like it was about something more than the fact he'd just fucked him senseless. 'I think you're pretty wonderful too Blaine.' he told him seriously, brushing his thumb over his cheek. He listened to how he felt and nodded. 'You've been so incredible for me B. You've let me push you and I'm hoping you'll let me push you just a little more.' he explained. He ducked down and pulled the boy's pants back up over his legs. 'You can lean on me as much as you need and we'll walk back entirely at your pace. You're calling the shots.' he assured him, stooping to pick up his shirt. 'Arms up.' he instructed as he pulled it back over his head. He pulled his own pants up with slightly less care and reached down to squeeze Blaine's hand. 'When we get back, we're going to take it easy. I'm gonna run you a bath and let you soak. And maybe tonight we'll actually manage to see the second half of Empire Strikes Back.'

Blaine Anderson

The thought of being pushed a little more was incredibly appealing and Blaine was nodding, another half-smile on his lips. He watched the other tug his pants back up, rubbing his eyes a little before raising his arms so his shirt could be pulled over his head again, thanking him quietly. "Are you going to join me in the bath?" Blaine asked, immediately reaching for his hand when they had redressed to keep himself upright, his legs still shaking a little beneath him as he took a tentatitve step. "We can try and watch it, but I'm not promising I won't fall asleep, Sir."

Alex Smythe

'I'll join you if you'd like me too but that's not an obligation. I'm quite happy to simply leave you be and let you relax in peace if that's what you think you need. Today was intense and you deserve time to recover from it properly.' he explained. He dropped his hand only to wrap his arm around his waist. 'Is it easier to walk if I hold you like this? You can lean on me as much as you need to.' he reminded him, genuinely thrilled at how much Blaine was willing to push himself all for the sake of pleasing him. 'I don't mind you falling asleep, as long as you do so curled in my lap or against my side. I like how cuddly you are.' he confessed.

Blaine Anderson

"I would't mind you joining me. As much as I like having sex with you, I also like just spending time with you, Alex," Blaine said honestly. The arm around his waist helped and he nodded, wrapping his arms around the other man as they walked. Their pace remained slow, all the way to the dorms, and Blaine stayed close to the other, smiling as he spoke. "I never thought I'd hear Alexander Smythe admit he likes someone being cuddly. I'm going to use that against you for the rest of my life."

Alex Smythe

At that, he thought perhaps tomorrow they could just spend time together without focusing on kink or sex. Perhaps they could revisit the choir room for the more innocent reason of sharing music with one another. ‘I like spending time with you too Blaine. I’d be happy to join you.’ He kissed the top of his head and smiled. ‘I’m telling you that in the strictest confidence. I have a tough Daddy Smythe reputation to protect. Don’t you let people think I’m soft.’ He teased. When they stopped outside his room, he unlocked the door and guided Blaine inside. Given his roommate was Blaine’s brother, he didn’t attempt to call out to him or make any kind of smalltalk. He led Blaine straight to the privacy of his bedroom. ‘There are a few scents and lotions Saffie gifted me with. Why don’t you pick one that’s to your liking and I’ll use it to fill our bath?’

Blaine Anderson

"Does that mean you want me to call you Daddy?" Blaine asked with a cheeky grin, nudging him gently. When they got to Alex's room, Blaine kept his head low at the sight of his brother. He did not need to hear any comments about what they got up to. That embarrassment could come another time. He nodded at the suggestion, making his way over to the lotions slowly, legs still shaking a little. He walked with a slight limp, both from how hard Alex had fucked him and the plug inside him. After a moment, Blaine returned to his side with one he liked, handing it to the other. "I'm glad you're joining me. I kind of want to just lounge around and cuddle you."

Alex Smythe

‘To answer your question from outside, I’m not entirely opposed to the idea. It started as something of a joke. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s kink-shaming and Kimmy was verging on that. I figured if she had to call me Daddy it - Well honestly, I wanted to embarrass her a little.’ He confessed, ducking his head briefly before looking at him again. ‘But I also wanted her to see it was just a name, a title for some people. There wasn’t anything wrong with it even if it wasn’t her thing.’ He clarified. ‘And then the name stuck. However I do like the way you alternate so easily between Alex and Sir when you’re talking to me.’ He added, taking the lotion from him. ‘I know that plug must be driving you insane. Why don’t you hope in the shower while I run a bath? You can rinse yourself off, take the plug out or I can take it out for you. I’ll rinse off before the bath too then we’re a little refreshed before we soak.’

Blaine Anderson

"It's so easy with you, that's why I go between Sir and your name. Sir is just what I'm used to, I know it's expected of me and it's just general respect. But I like using your name when it's just us two. It kind of makes it more private," Blaine said with a grin, tilting his head to the side. "Hm. Daddy. I've never really thought about it. It's kind of hot though," he added, running a hand through his hair again. "The plug is driving me insane, Sir, but it's worth it because it's what you want. And knowing I'm still so full because of you is amazing," he added, cheeks turning slightly pink. He nodded though and made his way to the bathroom so he could shower. It was easy for Blaine to strip off completely again, carefully removing the plug and setting it down neatly before stepping in and washing himself quickly, wrinkling his nose at the release on his torso. But he scrubbed it away and was returning to Alex's side in no time, not bothering to have redressed as he leaned up to kiss him tenderly.

Alex Smythe

He’d followed him into the bathroom, and started the bath running while he showered. He couldn’t help but watch him through the steamed up glass. He wasn’t watching him in a creepy way; it was more to do with the way he moved around his suite. He’d made him feel comfortable and that was all he’d wanted, particularly after hearing about he was still just part of the machine that oppressed an entire group of people. He did his good; just in a smaller scale. He smiled into the kiss Blaine greeted him with. Your bath awaits gorgeous.’ He waved his hand to gesturing to the steaming tub. ‘Go ahead and I’ll join you after I shower.’

Blaine Anderson

The compliment brought colour to his cheeks and Blaine smiled at Alex, nodding at him and climbing into the bath. He surprised himself how relaxed he felt with him. Usually, Blaine was on edge with any Master, it didn't matter how kind they were. But Alex was different. While he still had control (and there was no denying that Blaine found the control he had hot) they were still equals and Alex wouldn't ever make Blaine do something he didn't want to do. That was what comforted him as he relaxed into the tub, head coming back to rest on the side.

Alex Smythe

He showered quickly; it was really just to rinse off any residual evidence from their choir room activities so as not to spoil the bath. He didn’t bother wrapping a towel around his waist, and stepped out, rubbing his fingers through his hair as he crossed the room to join Blaine. ‘You look so peaceful there I’m reluctant to ask you to scoot forward.’ He said softly, offering him a gentle smile. ‘Are you sure you want me to join you?’ He asked, gesturing for Blaine to shift forward slightly so he could sink into the hot water behind him.

Blaine Anderson

The sound of Alex's voice had him opening his eyes and looking up at him, smiling immediately. "I am peaceful," he said simply, sitting up a little and shuffling forwards, taking care not to spill any bath water over the edge. "I definitely want you to join me. I want a cuddle."

Alex Smythe

He was only too happy to oblige, stepping into the tub as carefully as he could and sitting down. He pressed his back against the bath and slid his legs down either side of Blaine so the younger man could lean back and comfortably rest against his chest. ‘Your wish, my command.’ He hummed, sighing contently as he wrapped his arms around Blaine’s middle and drew him in as close as he could comfortably be. ‘Tell me a story about you.’ He requested. ‘Could be anything. I just want to know more about you.’

Blaine Anderson

Blaine settled easily against Alex's chest, relaxing his body against the others and closing his eyes again, clearly content. He liked being in the other's arms and couldn't help but smile at the thought. "A story?" He asked, frowning a little. "I don't really know. I'm not really that interesting," he said with a nervous laugh. "I taught myself to play the piano when I was six. My father refused to let me have lessons. My mom wanted me to but he wouldn't let me. So I climbed the bench and kept at it until I knew how to play. After that, my father allowed me to have any music lessons I wanted, which is why I can play others."

Alex Smythe

‘On the contrary,’ He countered, allowing his fingertips to dance back and forth over Blaine’s arms. ‘I find you incredibly interesting. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.’ He listen and let out a chuckle. ‘So you were a determined kid? I can picture that. I picture a miniature you in a tiny bow tie sitting there trying to understand everything.’ He ducked his head and kissed his shoulder. ‘Tell me something else.’ He requested, unable to help being so curious.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine laughed quietly at Alex's words, shaking his head at him. "I was pretty determined, although most people just said I was stubborn, Sir," he said with a grin, opening his eyes to look up at the other. "But I did wear bow ties when I was younger. All the other kids thought I was weird, but I was happy." Blaine frowned a little at the question, worrying his lower lip through his teeth. "I don't really have any stories or anything. My house was busy, I spent a lot of time with a certain brother, but I don't want to go into that," he added with a small frown. "Apart from that I just wrote music to distract myself."

Alex Smythe

He hugged him a little tighter, and nuzzled against his neck. ‘You don’t need to go into it if you don’t want to.’ He assured him. ‘But if there’s ever anything you want or need to talk about, I hope you know you can come to me.’ He didn’t want to push Blaine on that particular topic; the little he had already confided in him gave him enough insight to know just how terrible it must have been. ‘I didn’t know you wrote music.’ He continued, hoping that was a happier topic of discussion. ‘Do you just write music or do you write songs too?’

Blaine Anderson

"I know, Alex," Blaine said softly, sighing a little. "Braxton loved to hurt me even before we got our marks. It's just something that's always been there. He'd climb into bed with me and just... Well, you can imagine. But it's okay." Blaine smiled up at Alex, turning slightly so he was on his side and wrapped an arm around him, cuddling into him. "Oh, yeah, I always write music. And songs. I've written a fair few. I tend to write the lyrics first and then think of a melody to go with them."

Alex Smythe

He just about suppressed the urge to shudder at the revelation that Braxton had tortured Blaine even before they got their marks. That was another thing that convinced him there had to be a flaw in the system; there was no logical reason that would make someone so insane a Master. He didn't like the idea of anyone hurting Blaine but that it was his own brother was all the worse. 'The next time you're performing - I'd like you to let me know. I want to come along and watch you perform.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine could tell his words had left the atmosphere a little tense and hated that he'd brought his brother up, still chewing on his lower lip nervously. He glanced up at Alex as he spoke, frowning a little. "I... I guess," he said slowly. "I only really perform with the Warblers, I don't do it much anymore. If anything, I'll just stay in the choir room after warbler practice and play the piano a little there because it relaxes me."

Alex Smythe

'Sweetheart, that lip is for me to nip and me only.' he pointed out, brining his hand up to his face to free his lip from his teeth. 'Why don't you perform as much anymore?' he prompted. 'I don't mind who I see you perform with; a group or by yourself but I would like to see you perform. I want to hear you sing.' he explained simply. 'I'll make a deal with you; I'll play something for you if you sing something for me.' he grinned brightly. He hoped his smile would do something to relax Blaine a little. He could see he didn't like the change in atmosphere and it was important he felt cared ofr and safe now.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine blushed at Alex's words and let him remove his lip from his teeth, giving him a nervous smile. He shrugged at the question, not really sure why he didn't perform much anymore. It was probably due to being marked as a slave and the mentality he'd had growing up that slaves were only good for one thing, and that was to be used. "We can do that," he said with a genuine smile this time. "I'd like to hear you play. Music is... it's something I've always been incredibly passionate about, and I'd love to perform for you."

Alex Smythe

'Then it's settled. Tomorrow, we'll play for one another rather than with each other.' he winked, squeezing the hand on Blaine's waist gently. 'I'm looking forward to it.' He nodded. He leaned down and kissed Blaine. It was slow and sweet. Every kiss they'd shared before had been leading to something else; this wasn't. It was just affectionate and for no other reason other than he wanted to kiss him.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine's cheeks grew even warmer at the words but he couldn't help but smile, even if it was a little bashful, and nodded. But then Alex was leaning down and kissing him tenderly and Blaine felt his embarrassment simply wash away, easily kissing him back. He turned a little more and shifted, so he was facing him properly and settled on his lap so he could reach his lips easily and wrapped his arms around him to hold Alex close. When they pulled back, Blaine leaned his head against Alex's and sighed. "You make me so happy, Alex," he said softly. "I feel so safe with you."

Alex Smythe

'I'm of the opinion that you deserve a little happiness, and that you deserve to feel safe.' He'd never been into their society's values the way his family was; even as a teenager, he'd detested that way his Father treated slaves and how Cordelia would so often do things just to watch them get in trouble for it. He'd grown to hate it even more now and knowing Blaine, it broke him that he didn't feel safe elsewhere. 'And as you should know, my opinion is always the right one.' he pointed out cockily. 'You're so beautiful B.' he whispered, looking up at him with soft eyes.

Blaine Anderson

"Of course your opinion is always the right one, Sir," Blaine said with a grin, keeping close to him and leaning down to kiss the underside of his jaw gently. His cheeks grew warm again at the compliment and he shook his head a little but didn't say anything in response, clearly embarrassed. Instead, Blaine simply leaned down to kiss the other softly. "Well you do make me feel safe and you do make me happy. This weekend has been unlike anything I've ever experienced."

Alex Smythe

'Is it because my cock is that impressive?' he asked before he could stop himself. He had an easily identifiable trait of diffusing serious situations with humour. His family weren't a particular emotional one and he could count on one hand the amount of times they'd shared heart to heart conversations so when they occurred in real life, he always felt a little uneasy. 'I'd buy you y'know. If you wanted me to. I was pretty sure I'd never buy anyone because I don't - Things have changed for me since coming here. But I'd buy you tomorrow.'

Blaine Anderson

"We've only been having sex for two days, you're not that impressive just yet," Blane teased the other but he kissed him once more to show he was joking, sitting back on his thighs a little. The comment took him by surprise and Blaine found himself staring at Alex, mouth slightly open. Was he serious? He'd buy Blaine if that was what he wanted? But... slaves didn't really get a say in anything, they simply had to deal with whoever bought them and that was that. "You... What?" Blaine said dumbly, the comment not fully sinking in. "You'd really buy me? But... Why? You could have anyone."

Alex Smythe

He almost felt embarrassed that he'd let that slip. It had to be too much too quickly; and he was pretty sure Blaine was in love with his brother or his brother was in love with Blaine; either way it didn't matter. 'I could have anyone. Money isn't an object obviously so in theory I could have my pick of any slave in the school but I just - I don't want to spend my life with people who detest me y'know? I don't want to spend my life feeling like I have to whip someone into submission and I -' I think I care about you. He wanted to say it but he didn't. It hadn't been nearly long enough to care about him. It had to be the sex going to his head. 'Don't think too hard about it. I'm sure you're holding out for another Smythe to put a collar on you but I'm just saying, the idea hasn't not crossed my mind.' He rambled.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine was taken aback by Alex's words and shifted a little uncomfortably at the thought of Ethan. It was true, Blaine had a crush on him when they were at their old school. But nothing came from it and while he'd been with him for the auction week, Blaine wasn't sure how he felt, especially now he was here, with Alex. "I'm not holding out for anyone to put a collar on me," Blaine snapped without meaning to, though his words were true. He wasn't sure if he wanted to belong to anyone, not really, and bowed his head. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean... Your brother and I... It was sweet, of course it was, but... I don't know. It was just a crush from when I was younger."

Alex Smythe

He reached out and gripped Blaine's chin between his thumb and his finger, forcing him to look up. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt him but it was enough to convey he wasn't thrilled with the way Blaine had spoken to him. 'You apologised so I won't say any more about it. But you will not snap at me like that in future Blaine. I control myself when I speak to you and I expect you to do the same.' he warned firmly. He softened then, releasing his chin from his hold; instead tracing his thumb lightly over his lips. 'If that's all it is, was, then I won't worry about it further. I just wanted to know where I stood. It's not every day you offer to purchase someone.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine's bottom lip trembled a little as Alex spoke to him and he was forced to meet his gaze. He hated messing up, hated getting into trouble, which was why he felt the tears stinging his eyes. He was expecting Alex to hit him, but it didn't come. Huh. That was strange. If he'd ever spoken to Braxton like that, he'd have been beaten black and blue. He didn't look away from the other, swallowing hard and nodding. Blaine released a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding when Alex traced his lips with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Sir," he said softly, reaching for the other's hand despite how much his own was trembling. "Ethan is sweet, of course he is. And the week I spent with him was fun. But I don't know. You make me feel happy and safe."

Alex Smythe

'You're trembling.' He couldn't ignore it. He'd reacted the way he normally would if a slave spoke to him the way Blaine did. He'd resisted the urge to slap his face because despite that being the example he'd always been given, it didn't feel right. He didn't want to hurt him like that and he'd never been in the habit of doing things he didn't want. 'Have I made you scared?' he asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Blaine Anderson

"N-No, Sir," Blaine said quickly, swallowing nervously again. "I'm... I'm not scared of you. I just... When you grabbed me, and... I thought I was going to be punished and you know my past." He fell silent for a moment, playing with Alex's hands tenderly as he tried to explain. "G-Growing up, I was punished for the slightest thing. And it usually meant a beating, until I physically couldn't stand. It's not like spanking, like we did," he added, frowning. "But I'd be covered in bruises and cuts and... I thought you were going to... I'm sorry."

Alex Smythe

'I did think about hitting you.' He didn't want to admit it but Blaine was being honest, vulnerable and the least he could do was offer him some honesty in return. 'My Father was a heavy handed man and while he never hit me, he wasn't afraid to deliver a swift blow to a slave's face in my presence. He encouraged us to do it. I've grown up believing that was the way problems were dealt with. But I - I don't want to hurt you.' It pained him to think of the extent he must have been beaten to as a child. 'I'm a bit of a sadist. I won't pretend I'm not but I like pleasure with my pain. I don't want to hurt you just because.' He squeezed his hand tightly, bringing it to his lips for a brief kiss. 'I won't do that to you Blaine. I promise I won't.'

Blaine Anderson

"It'd be okay if you did," Blaine said softly. "I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. I'd have deserved it if you did hurt me because I was disrespectful to you." He hated his own words, but it didn't show. Blaine genuinely believed that he deserved this, that if Alex wanted to beat him black and blue, then he should. Blaine watched as Alex brought his hand to his lips and kissed it, unable to stop himself from smiling a little. "I... appreciate that. But if I deserve to be punished, please don't hesitate. It's not like I'm not used to it anyway."

Alex Smythe

He fell silent. He didn't have a response to that that sat well with him. He couldn't pretend he didn't enjoy to power of establishing rules and consequences for when those rules were broken, but he also didn't like the idea that Blaine could just accept being beaten to such an extent. It's not like I'm not used to it anyway. He sounded so defeated and his eyes were opened a little wider to the side of society he'd tried to ignore. He breathed out, opened his mouth to speak but found he still didn't really have the words. This had veered so far from what he'd originally thought and he didn't think he could claw it back. The conversation was important. He understood that but it was uncomfortable and difficult. 'I won't ever beat you.' he said finally with quiet conviction. 'And I think if anyone ever does, I'd beat them twice as hard.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine watched Alex and gently ran his fingers down along his cheekbone, tracing the shape of it as he waited. The words had him smiling a little and he leaned down to kiss him tenderly, as though to reassure him that it was okay. "You don't have to do that, Sir," he said gently. "Especially because you'd get into trouble yourself if you did, and that doesn't sit well with me. But thank you, Alex," he added, kissing his forehead. "Do you want to get into bed? The water is getting a little cold now."

Alex Smythe

He hadn't even noticed the chill in the water but once it was brought to his attention, it was all he could feel. 'This wasn't quite the relaxing soak I intended.' he confessed although he nodded his agreement. 'Let me get out first. I have a towel for you over the radiator.' he explained, reluctantly untangling himself from the twist he and Blaine had managed to work themselves into. He climbed out of the tub and wrapped his own towel around his waist. He hadn't taken care of Blaine quite the way he'd wanted during their soak and he was determined to make up for it somewhat now. The towel was warm in his hands and he held it up for Blaine; wrapping it around his body when he came out of the water. 'For the record B, you're worth getting in trouble for.' he said quietly, allowing his hand to rest on his hip.

Blaine Anderson

Blaine whined when Alex moved first, leaving Blaine in the cold water. He pouted at him as he climbed out and wrapped a towel around his waist. But the sight of him holding a towel for him warmed his heart and Blaine's pout disappeared immediately as he stepped into the warmth, loving both the feel of it and Alex's arms around his body. "I don't want you getting into trouble," he said quietly, hiding his face in the other's chest for a moment. He secured the towel around him and rubbed at his eyes a little sleepily before reaching for Alex's hand and guiding him back into the bedroom. There, he let his towel fall and climbed into the bed and under the covers. He held them open for the other man, grinning at him as he waited.

Alex Smythe

He followed Blaine's lead; realising for the hundredth time that weekend just how adorable he was when he rubbed his eyes. There was something so sweet, innocent about something so small. He picked up Blaine's towel, and removed his own; draping them both over the back of a chair. He slipped in next to him and smiled. 'No Star Wars pyjamas tonight?' he asked. It was still early but he could feel exhaustion creeping in and he could only imagine Blaine felt it even more so.

Blaine Anderson

"Nope," Blaine said simply, smiling as he slipped in beside him. He threw the covers over them both and curled into his side immediately with an arm wrapped firmly around his middle. Blaine was comfortable and he hadn't been lying when he said Alex made him feel safe. Truthfully, this was the safest he'd ever felt and he couldn't get enough of the feeling. "Being naked with you is much more fun. Besides, I know they'll just end up coming off when you inevitably can't resist fucking me when you wake up hard."

Alex Smythe

He let out a yawn and relaxed against his pillows as Blaine made himself comfortable against his side. He stroked through his now gel-free hair absently. 'You should leave your hair like this more often.' he mused before cracking a wide grin at his prediction of the next morning. 'And what if I wake up before you?' he asked. 'Would you like to wake up to me between your legs?' he continued. 'I could blow you, fuck you. I haven't eaten you out yet so that's always a possibility too. You're right. Best not to wear pyjamas so I can more easily satisfy all my urges.'

Blaine Anderson

Blaine wrinkled his nose a little at the thought of not gelling his hair. "But the curls are gross and I really don't like them. But I suppose I can wear it like this, just for you," he said with a quiet laugh. He blushed at the thought of waking up to that and nodded, though he kept his face hidden in the other's chest. "That would be really hot. Waking up to that. I've never... God, it'd be amazing," he said, laughing again. "I'll happily stay naked for you, Sir."

Alex Smythe

Even before he’d started to question things, he’d never been able to understand Masters who didn’t make sex fun for the slave they were with. There was nothing more off-putting than an unwilling partner. Giving someone pleasure gave you as much control over them as denying it in his opinion and he loved how excited Blaine seemed at the prospect of sex, of him having his way with him. ‘Good.’ He nodded, kissing the top of the curls he so enjoyed. ‘Now sleep B. I think I’ve sufficiently worn you out today.’

[casualarsonist]

The Witness (PS4) review

The Witness is the game that finally drove me insane. I see shapes everywhere now - circles connected to lines that wind their way around the sidewalks, skirting the eaves of buildings, through clouds in the sky and conspicuous smears of dirt on the ground. And as I try to comprehend the genius/madness of the development team that created a game such as this, I also feel like I see, for the most brief instant, into the infinity of the human mind, and the interconnected wonderment of the universe. 

I can’t, of course, but this game does weird things to your sense of perception. 

The Witness is a 2016 puzzle game, and one of the most mind-bending experiences I’ve ever indulged in my life. I tend to have quite an analytical way of thinking (and I can hear my uni colleagues sniggering at the memory of my poor work ethic and subsequent drop-out), and my girlfriend is a painter, and has a very artistic and spacial intelligence, so it needs to be said that I don’t think I could ever finish this game without her assistance, but with our two brains combined, playing The Witness together has become a superb, memorable, and utterly compelling exploration into the depths of our abilities as problem-solvers and lateral thinkers. 

After its release I was well-aware of all the praise the game was garnering, and yet whenever I decided to have a look at gameplay videos or screenshots I found myself distinctly unimpressed. All the puzzles were just boxes with lines, all the surfaces painted in eye-melting fluorescence; the game appeared to me to just be another small, simplistic indie puzzler that would occupy my time for a few hours before being left behind as little more than a pleasant memory. But I was wrong in my assumptions, and I believe that one of the game’s biggest flaws is that it’s almost impossible to get a true impression of what you’re in for without actually playing it. 

On paper, the concept is simple: you are stuck on a strange, seemingly man-made island that is essentially made of puzzles. Hundreds of screens litter the world, each featuring a grid, with some kind of shape or colour or marker that informs you as to the nature of the task, and while nothing is ever explicitly explained, you're usually led through a series of increasingly complex steps that both educate you on the mechanics of the puzzle, as well as challenge you to figure out how the rules have changed when they do. As you explore the island further, you’ll come to a greater understanding of the laws pertaining to each of the puzzle types, and more difficult areas will often require you to use your wits and intuition in order to recognise when and how you’re required to combine them to complete the task ahead of you. And it’s the game’s reliance on the player’s ability to educate themselves that makes playing and completing The Witness such an absolute and unparalleled joy. 

There were periods where Alice and I had been playing for hours and eventually got sick of bashing our heads against brick walls, and we would reluctantly check the wiki for a hint or solution to a particularly fiendish problem, but I always and invariably felt a sense of shame or guilt after this for having failed to put the time in to figure out the answer myself. So at a certain point I imposed an embargo on walkthroughs because we had reached a point where we were having to use all our combined experiences to find the answers, and if we cheated at that point, wouldn’t it just invalidate everything we’d worked towards up until this point? After a time we finished it. Quite quickly, all things considered. And that tangible feeling of your mind latching onto the thread of an answer and following it to a successful conclusion feels fucking amazing. Because it’s a rare instance in which you feel like the answer to any given situation is unfair - in the end, all it takes to unravel even the hardest of the tasks is for you to fully understand the mechanics and devote a bit of time with some pen and paper to finding the solution. I found myself wondering at the number of cumulative hours that this game must have lay idle on all the various consoles and computers around the world as the various players sketch out grids and work and rework solutions in order to get to the next point. I can only imagine the number lies in the thousands. 

This might make the game sound boring, or frustrating, and I can imagine that it will be for some, because this is no quick crossword - The Witness is, for all the elegance in its design, fucking hardcore. More importantly, it’s also packed with content - something like 650 puzzles, many of which you don’t need to find in order to complete the game, and some of which you may never even stumble across. So while some people might get some joy from waving their dicks around and crowing about how it was a breeze for them, for the rest of us the game will most likely be fucking exhausting at times. But I wouldn’t say that it’s ever impossible - each player will get as much or as little out of it as they choose, based almost entirely on how much mental effort they’re willing to put into it. You need to be constantly aware of your surroundings and of the way the world interacts with itself, because sometimes you’ll find yourself at a dead end for ages before simply looking down and realising the key to unlocking the puzzle lay at your feet the whole time, or perhaps a few steps behind you and to the right. And it’s the moments when you’re walking along and you see what ought to otherwise be an incidental part of the scenery - a jagged rock face, or a branch in a tree - forming a strangely conspicuous pattern, and the penny finally drops leaving you feeling like some kind of wunderkind, when really, it’s the developers that are the geniuses, and you’re just the sap who happened to notice a thing. 

And so it was after several hours that we started noticing patterns everywhere - patterns that often lead to nothing, but frequently they lead to the world’s inbuilt puzzles. I don’t want to say too much about it for fear of spoiling the feeling of finding it out yourself, but at this point we realised we were going crazy, seeing code built into every facet of the game around us. It was then that it became truly apparent just how much thought, effort, attention to detail, and finicky micromanagement must have gone into the creation of this game. It’s a wonder of a thing, and I doubt I’ll ever play anything like it again, but then I suppose that shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone familiar with director/producer/designer Jonathan Blow’s work on Braid, or with his regular participation in Indie Game Jam. Because The Witness feels like the kind of game that could only be born in that kind of off-beat and fevered environment - one in which necessity dictates that innovative products are born from simple ideas taken to extremes. I never thought that anyone could stretch the ideas on display here to the extent that they have been, and that’s why I wasn’t that interested in the game before I started playing it. It’s also why it’s impossible to tell you what it’s like to play The Witness without spoiling anything, other than to describe it in terms of existential experiences it has given me. 

In any case, The Witness has given me far more than I expected, far more than I had hoped for, and far more than it needed to have given. The hours spent working together with my girlfriend have brought us closer together (even though I’m a terrible controller hog), and tested our minds and our patience while entertaining, thrilling, and spooking us along the way. It’s one of the few games that I’ve ever wanted to 100% complete, and we’ll see if that happens, but I’m addicted to the feeling of achievement now, and I need my fix. Other than that, there’s simply nothing else to say at this point beside the fact that there is no game that I know of that is comparable to this. 

10/10