#because um...mental health lmao

[nest-being]

setting myself some goals for the rest of the month!! i'm gonna do 10 minutes of yoga and half and hour on the treadmill every day bc i've honestly been way too bed locked recently!! also gonna try and actually eat the fruit i buy instead of forgetting about it like i always do 😅

if anyone has a favourite yoga routine they like to do in the mornings, i'd love to know!

[dovveri]

ordinarily

synopsis: you’re having a few issues with your sex life so you decide to start seeing a sex therapist with your boyfriend

warnings: reader receiving, cheating, lots of sex talk bcs this entire fic is literally set around sex, fingering, clitoral stimulus, vibrators, dildos + strap on, sana watches reader masturbate

w/c: 7.8k

a/n: if u didn't know im a psych student and this idea came to me at 3am while cramming sexual dysfunctions for my finals and i ltr wrote this in a few hours bcs i was OBSESSED - that being said this is all still fictional bcs... let's be honest i js wanted to have sex with dr sana but some of the facts are still real! the treatment however... not so real LMAO

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

“ms. l/n?”

“yes!” you scramble upwards at the sound of your name, pulling your boyfriend up with you and walking briskly towards the woman who’s called you. she offers a kind smile, gesturing for you to follow her.

“is it alright if i bring my boyfriend along?”

she nods, “yes that’s fine. it’s actually customary that both partners are here for appointments like these.”

she leads you towards her office, a clean, organised room with a small couch next to the doctor’s table and chair, and what looks like an upgraded version of a classic examination table.

she seats you both and rolls her chair forward so she’s facing the both of you when she talks. “so how can i help you today ms. l/n?” her eyes are kind, a hint of a smile on her lips.

“u-um just y/n is fine dr. …” you glance to her badge, “minatozaki.”

“alright y/n. sana is fine for me too then.” she smiles.

“r-right sana. so we’ve just been having some trouble with our- um- sex life recently and i think it’s mainly my fault.”

she frowns a little, picking up a notepad on her table to jot down some things, “why would you think that?”

“um well- i- i haven’t um- i’ve never had a penis in me before. my previous male partners would only ever use their hands or mouth but because we were getting a little more serious than that, i wanted to let ben-“ you glance at your boyfriend who looks a little uncomfortable, shifting around in his seat a little, “be the first and we’ve tried for a while now but it’s always just too painful? and i know everyone says the pain passes and whatever but it never seems to pass for me…” you blush, getting progressively embarrassed as you go on.

"i see. do you mind if i ask you a few questions about your sex life?"

you nod, feeling intimidated by the things she's jotting down into her notepad.

"how long has this been going on?"

"umm- i'd say we've tried to have penetrative sex for about 2 months now?"

"have you ever experienced anything like this before?"

"no."

"do you have any history of previous mental health problems?"

"not really, no."

"when you attempt to have sex, do you engage in foreplay?"

"u-um... yes."

"and are you able to secrete natural lubricant from that?"

ben lets out an undignifed snort. you elbow him, face burning red when sana looks up from her notepad, narrowing her eyes at ben who shrinks in his seat, covering his mouth.

"u-um yes i think so."

"ben? is this true?" sana's eyes are locked on ben.

"sorry doc are you asking me if my girlfriend gets wet?"

"for lack of better words yes."

"well yes she gets plenty wet. i always make sure she's turned on before i go in. if you’re asking about if i'm good at sex then yes. i am. plenty of girls in the past have cum because of me."

"i didn't ask that but thank you for your contribution." sana says a little sarcastically, looking back towards you and then down to her notepad. you elbow ben again in response who glances at you slightly annoyed, the tips of his ears red.

"what sorts of foreplay activity do you engage in, does it arouse you, and on average how long would you say your foreplay would go on for?"

"i- um- i-"

"this is a safe space. everything i'm asking is purely for diagnosis reasons, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, i deal with lots of clients everyday who come in and have talked about much more bizarre things and none of them are nearly as attractive as you are which makes it a lot worse when someone comes in here claiming they have sexual proclivities towards aliens or otherworldly beings."

you blush, the throwaway compliment in there didn't fly past you. "do people really ask about that?"

sana chuckles a little, "oh you'd be surprised the things people come in here about."

you laugh a little in response as well, feeling more comfortable around the doctor, "um well i guess we do all the normal stuff. kissing, whatever, um it usually lasts about... 10 minutes?" you turn to ben who shakes his head a little so you correct yourself, "20 minutes maybe. and um yeah i guess it does arouse me."

sana hums, making a few more notes, "are your nipples sensitive? your breasts? does he play with them? what about your clitoris?"

"i- um- yes... to all of those."

"have you ever orgasmed before?"

"i- yes."

she senses the hesitation in your voice, looking up curiously, "have you orgasmed during sexual relations with ben?"

you shuffle in your seat a little uncomfortably. ben looks at you expectedly, but you can't bring yourself to meet his eyes.

"yes. yes she has." ben replies for you instead when he realises you're not responding.

sana's eyes cut to his with a scowl forming on her face, "did you know only 64.4% of women are able to reach their orgasm during sex? and that number is even lower when the sex is just penetrative? in comparison, 91.3% of men reach their orgasm, in fact, sexual dysfunction in men is actually more common when men orgasm too fast."

ben raises an eyebrow defiantly, "your point doc?"

"that it's normal for women not to reach orgasm. and normal for them to fake it when their boyfriends are pretentious assholes that think they have the best game in the world but in reality, have inflated egos that would easily be shattered if he found out he wasn't as good as he thought he was. most of these women care too much about hurting their partner's feelings than to tell the truth."

ben leans forward aggressively, ignoring your protests for him to sit back down, "i don't know what kinda whack patients you got in here doc but i'm not one of them. i don't need anyone to worry about my feelings like you women do."

sana rolls her eyes, not backing down from his intimidation, "do you have any problems with sexual activity? come too fast? not able to get it up? not able to come?"

ben sputters, "w-what?! who do you think i am?!"

"it's a yes or no question."

"no! i don't have any of those problems! i told you i'm not one of your weird patients!"

"alright that's all we'll be needing from you today. i think this session will be much more productive for y/n if you leave the room. so if you'd please-" she stands up and opens the door, indicating for him to leave.

"what? you can't just kick me out! this is my girlfriend! i'm just as involved in this as she is!"

"actually, since you haven't admitted to having any problems with sex, and you've both said that foreplay and arousal is adequate, there's nothing more that involves you. so yes, i can kick you out."

ben looks back at you, his face red, but you push him forward, "just go ben don't make a scene. i'll see you outside." he frowns, sending a final glare to sana before stomping out the room.

sana closes the door softly after him, settling back down with a sigh.

"i'm so sorry about him i didn't know he would react like that i-"

"it's okay y/n. this is actually quite common. sexual dysfunction is often severely underreported in men, because of the masculine standards they put themselves up to, lots of them won't seek treatment. that's why most of the clients we get are women who come in here with their boyfriends, and a lot of the time these boyfriends don't think they have anything to do with the women's sexual dysfunction, and a lot of them can't accept that they do."

"but you just said-"

"i know what i said. and it's true that if your foreplay is indeed enough and arousing for you, and that this isn't because of any sexual dysfunction he may have, then it no longer directly regards him. however, just because it doesn't directly involve him, doesn't mean it's got absolutely nothing to do with him. i do think i have an idea of what you're going through, but to confirm i'd like to ask a couple more questions if that's okay with you? and hopefully you can be fully honest with me now that ben isn't here."

you shuffle in your seat a little. "yeah of course."

she smiles, going back to her notepad, "so backtracking a bit, i'm assuming ben hasn't been able to make you orgasm?"

you blush, shaking your head.

"how about with previous partners? is there anything they've done that's helped you reach that orgasm or are there any similarities you can think about between them?"

"mm well for one, i've only ever been able to come when i'm with women."

"oh?" sana looks up again over her specs, a twinkle in her eye.

"u-um yeah and with them it's mostly um, using their hands or oral, and even then i normally need at least some clitoral stimulation to come. i have tried using dildos before but i also find it a little too painful, but i'm at least able to bear it when it's with a woman, with ben i kinda just push him off because it's all too much."

"i see. that's quite normal. most women do require clitoral stimulation to be able to orgasm. a very small proportion of women are actually able to come from penetration alone. do you masturbate?"

you blush again, fiddling with your fingers, but her friendly smile reassures you, "yes. well- less since i've been with ben because he doesn't really like it when he finds out i've touched myself. he gets a little offended and always says i don't need to masturbate when i have him. he takes offense because he thinks i'm doing it since he's not doing a good enough job or something."

"hmm." she hums, jotting something else down, "is he doing a good enough job? i know you said foreplay was fine but i just wanted to check in on that again."

"he's alright i guess. like most men i've been with in the past he does kinda rush things a little, and he does do foreplay it's just a little rougher than i like sometimes. i also think um-" you blush, eyes flickering around the room.

"mm?" sana smiles gently again, encouraging you.

"i think he has trouble finding my clit? or i don't know he always kinda fumbles around when he fingers me so his hands always brush against my clit a little too rough and then he presses down on parts where he thinks it is and asks me if it feels good."

sana hums again, writing down some more notes before the next question. "so back to masturbation, before ben, how often would you say you masturbated?"

"oh u-um, maybe like once a month?"

"and you're able to make yourself come?"

"sometimes. sometimes it just gets too tiring and i end up just falling asleep."

"i see." sana writes a few finishing notes and then places her notepad on the table. "so from what you've told me today, it would seem like you have something called genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder. normally this sort of behaviour has to go on for at least 6 months before it is diagnosable, but even though it’s only been two months for you, we can still work on ways to improve your symptoms. so there's nothing physically wrong with you or your body, this is more of a cognitive response to a fear of pain from penetration. what happens is because of this fear, you're vaginal muscles tighten when you're about to have sex, they're trying to protect you from this invasive thing that's going to enter your body and that it thinks will cause you a lot of pain. this is why it's so much more painful when someone does penetrate you, because you're muscles are already working actively to try and push it out, they only get tighter and tighter making sex more painful for you. this kinda creates this cycle of fear because it does hurt when you have sex, so the next time it happens, your muscles learn to anticipate this pain and try to close you off from this external invasion. does that kinda make sense?"

you nod a little hazily, the words floating around in your head.

"it's a good thing that you're still able to take penetration though. in some extreme cases women's vaginas have been sealed so tight penis penetration is impossible. now there aren't any medications for this unfortunately, but the main treatment is to unlearn this fear that's maintaining the disorder, and eventually you'll be able to engage in sex that is enjoyable for you again."

"how would i unlearn that?"

"well first of all, masturbation helps. a lot. you say you were only really doing it once a month in the past but actually, masturbating weekly or even twice a week is perfectly normal. and i know you said your boyfriend doesn't really like it but... well it's your body right? if he can't make you feel good then you need to start learning how to make yourself feel good. you need to start turning sex into a positive experience again. later down the line, that also means a lot more foreplay than what you're currently doing. i'm talking like an hour at least. using lube as well will be extremely useful, even if you are wet, it always helps to be fully prepared for that first penetration. i know this all sounds like a lot right now so we'll start slow. would you mind getting up on the examination table and taking off your pants and underwear. i'd like to examine your pelvic muscles a little more closely."

you nod, shuffling onto your feet and beginning to strip out of your clothes. sana pays you no mind, grabbing a new pair of gloves and slipping them on. you figure sana has done this plenty of times in the past, there was nothing to be embarrassed about. well... aside from the fact that sana was really pretty and her really pretty hands were about to be touching you and-

she's turning back around when you lay on the examination table, hands crossed on your stomach, fiddling with your fingers. you avoid her gaze but catch the way her eyes linger a little on your legs. she moves closer towards you, you keep your gaze fixed on the ceiling, feeling the tips of your ears go red at the attention.

she giggles a little and you're confused, "y/n you have to open your legs for me to be able to see anything."

"oh right i- um-" you shyly spread your legs apart, revealing your cleanly shaven lips.

sana squeezes something into her hand, "this is just lube. to see your pelvic muscles in action means i'll have to part your walls so i'm just lubricating them to make it a little more comfortable for you." she looks up at you, waiting for your consent, and when you nod, she gets straight to work.

you gasp at the cold feeling of the lubricant running down your folds, wiggling a little. then, sana's hands come in and start massaging the lube along your folds, spreading it so it covers the entire surface area of your core, fingers gentle as she spreads the liquid. your breath catches a little when she bypasses your clit, squeezing your hands together, and trying your best to not make any inappropriate sounds while in your doctor's office.

you sneak a glance down at her, watching the way she has her lip caught between her teeth while she focuses, eyes glued to your folds. she spreads your lips and starts applying the lube on your inner folds as well, meticulous with her work, making sure no slice of skin was missed.

"i'm going to start prodding around your entrance now alright?"

you can only choke out a hum in response, not trusting your voice to give away the fact that this was turning you on very much.

one of her fingers glides down to your entrance, her other hand still holding your lips open, and she starts to poke gently at your entrance, you can feel when a short fingernail dips in just slightly, wiggling around a little to try and loosen you up. at this point you're kinda glad sana went with the lube because it meant she couldn't tell she was actually getting you spectacularly wet on her own, your own slick mixing with the lube she's spread all over.

she starts pushing a finger in very slowly, but you cringe a little and shuffle your hips when she's about a knuckle in. she pulls out gently, "hurts?"

you nod, "a little."

she starts pressing gently against your folds again, "i'm just going to try massage your folds from the outside, hopefully it'll get your muscles to relax a little with some stimulation."

it is relaxing, the way she's gently pressing into you, it’s certainly never like anything you’ve felt before, it turns you on, but also eases you, it’s a combination you’ve never experienced.

when she gently runs a finger over the hood of your clit your hips jerk and you gasp.

“sorry! too much?” sana backs away quickly, hands raised so you can see she’s no longer touching you.

you inhale, forcing yourself to look at her, your gaze a little blurry, eyes lidded, “n-no. that was- g-good actually.” your voice is a lot scratchier than it was, you can’t believe how turned on you are from just minutes of being with her. “a-actually would it- um- are you allowed to take your gloves off? like if you want to! you don’t have to if you think it’s gross or anything i just think it could help a little so you can feel exactly where your skin and nails touch me.”

sana raises an eyebrow, seeming to consider you, and you want to crawl back into your pants, run away and never see be seen in public again the longer she takes to regard you.

but then wordlessly, she takes her gloves off, flicking them into the bin and reaching for the bottle of lube.

“oh um- you don’t have to. i’m wet enough i think.”

sana smirks then, squeezing some into her palm, “oh sweetie i know. remember what i said about lubing up anyway though? there can never be too much lube.”

you blush at the pet name, gritting your teeth when you feel the cool liquid and the soft touch of her fingers again. except this time it’s so much more real, you can feel every single brush, every stroke, every movement of her fingers against you. when she brushes against your clit again, you can’t help the faint moan you let out. your cheeks burn in embarrassment when you feel her still her movements against you. “s-sorry i-“

“it’s okay. you can make as many sounds as you want. just relax. stop thinking sweetie.” she brushes over your clit again, with a little more purpose this time, and you let out another whimper, trying to stop your hips from grinding against her hand.

the next few minutes are torturous. you're biting back moans every 2 seconds, focusing on keeping your hips solidly on the examination table, hands clenched tight together, you’re so wet you can hear the way she's sliding through your folds much more easily now, able to insert the entire length of her fingernail in with each stroke downwards. your breathing has gotten observably heavier, each inhale and exhale is strained, and you certainly couldn’t look at sana anymore, eyes glazed, just trying to focus on not giving yourself away.

"i’m gonna try go in again now okay?"

you nod, a little desperately, closing your eyes to block out the sight of her between your legs.

she gently prods at your entrance, now able to slide a knuckle in fairly easily, you feel like jelly around her, unable to control your own movements when you jolt downwards, sucking in more of her finger and moaning at the feeling.

“alright?”

“mhm just- just do it.”

“do what sweetie?”

“just- you know-“

“hmm?” she slips a little further in, and you clench around her, your muscles trying to trap her inside of you.

“f-fuck- i- yeah- fuck-“

she giggles a little and you flush, you realise again that she’s very attractive and very good with her hands and those hands are now inching even deeper into you, and before you know it, she’s got her entire finger buried inside of you.

you’re breathless at the feeling.

“painful at all?”

“n-no. not at all. feels- um- g-good.”

you can hear the smirk in her voice when she teases, “you feel good.”

you clench around her at the praise, unaware that sana’s trying her very best to stay as professional as possible, despite wanting so badly to rid you of all your clothes and fuck you until you were moulded to only be able to take her.

“relax baby. i’m going to slide back out now okay?”

you whine when you feel her retreating slowly, your walls gripping her finger, urging her to stay inside. but she comes out until just the tip of her finger is in you, and then pushes in again, filling you up deliciously.

you exhale deeply, back arching at the feeling.

“good?”

“fuck- so fucking good oh god-“

she’s pulling out and pushing in again, slow and careful, watching your body for any signs of pain and fixed on the way your face contorts in pleasure at the feeling of being sexually satisfied for the first time in months.

“think you can take another?” you peek open your eyes to find that sana looks slightly more dishevelled than before, her breathing also a little irregular now, her voice low with lust. you gulp at the sight.

“y-yeah.”

now that you've caught a glimpse of her, you can't look away, your eyes tracing the way her gaze is a little clouded, her tongue peaking out to wet her lips. then she's pushing in again with a second finger, rubbing your clit lightly with her other hand and pressing down onto the external parts of your folds to get you to loosen up.

you suck her in easily, whimpering a little when she stops and looks up at you in concern.

"k-keep going p-please- i can take it- fuck-"

so she continues her journey, pressing in deeper, and deeper, until she's able to fit two fingers snugly inside of you. you moan when she fills you up, pulsing around her, muttering curses and hands moving to hold onto the sides of the examination table.

but then, sana's pulling out again, and this time she doesn't come back. she clears her throat, moving towards the sink in her office to wash herself up.

you clamber onto your elbows hazily, completely soaked and watch in confusion as she dries her hands, her cheeks flushed.

"i think that's enough for today y/n. you can use the sink and this towel here to clean yourself up and get dressed. i'll wait for you outside." she doesn't spare you another glance and slips outside the room, closing it behind her to give you some privacy.

you take a second to recover because what the fuck just happened? you can only follow her instructions dumbly, picking up the towel she's left for you and cleaning yourself up, still incredibly sensitive when you twitch with each swipe along your folds. you put your clothes back on and rearrange your hair so that it doesn't look like you were just about to come mere minutes ago.

once you're tidied up and you've cleared your mind, or at least pushed all the lustful thoughts about being fucked into the table aside, you step outside the office, looking around to find that sana's with ben at the front desk, talking to the receptionist.

you clear your throat to announce your presence when you walk up to them. ben seems to have calmed down and he kisses your cheek sweetly when you sidle up next to him. you take note of the way sana eyes the action, her grip on the pen getting just a little tighter.

"alright y/n. i talked with ben to get an idea of your availability so i hope it's okay that i've booked you in for another session in about 2 weeks."

"yes that's fine!" your voice comes out unintentionally higher than you meant it to. the nerves and confusion hitting you at once.

"and i'll also set you a little homework. like we talked about, masturbation is key to getting better. so here's a self-care kit, it's got a clitoral vibrator and a few different dildo sizes as well as a couple of bottles of lube. i want you to try using the vibrator first, get used to the feeling of orgasming, and then start to bring in the smallest dildo. ben can watch if you want him to or help, but just remember what i said about making sex a positive experience. that's the main purpose of all of this, just relearning that sex is good and that it’s meant to be fun and enjoyable. i'll check with you in 2 weeks how the progress is going and we'll go from there. any questions?"

the entire time she talks to you, she barely looks into your eyes, it's clear she's already discussed all of this with ben who looks more than happy to be a bystander to your sexual pleasure if it meant he would be able to have sex with you later on. you find yourself a little disappointed that she won't acknowledge you. you shake your head no, and she slides you a few forms and the self-care package she mentioned, discreetly wrapped and in a cute little takeaway bag.

"great i'll see you in two weeks y/n. if you'll excuse me now." she sidesteps you and walks briskly back into her office, your eyes trail after her, but you shake the feelings from your head, refocusing on the present and the way ben has his arm wrapped around you.

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

it's a fortnight later and you're sitting in a familiar waiting room, this time without ben because you convinced him to stay behind after his retaliatory actions the last time he was here. maybe you also just wanted to see sana alone but you weren't going to tell him that.

if you were being honest, sana hasn't left your mind once since you left the clinic two weeks ago. even when you were completing her assigned homework tasks, it wasn't broad muscles and rugged facial hair that you were thinking of, no matter how hard you tried, your thoughts always drifted back to the way sana had handled you so carefully, the way her fingers felt inside you, how she paid attention to every single reaction you made, every small sound, twitch, how attentive she was. and sometimes your thoughts drifted into territory that was a little more imaginative. those usually consisted of sana using the various toys she'd given you to bring you to heights you weren't able to bring yourself to.

"y/n?"

your head snaps up at the voice. you beam seeing her, she has her hair up today, pretty earrings and perfect features accentuated. she smiles in response at you, gesturing you to follow her to her office.

you settle into the familiar office again, much more relaxed and excited than the last time you were here.

"i see you're looking a lot more chipper than 2 weeks ago." sana comments with a smile, grabbing her notepad that you recognise from last week.

"just happy to see you again."

her smile fades a little at that, but you don't let that discourage you.

"right... so tell me how your fortnight has been. have you attempted to have sex with your boyfriend again? uh... bryson was it? or brendan?"

"ben. and no we haven't had sex again. i also took your advice and let masturbation be just a personal experience. he asked to watch and help but i told him it would be better if he didn't."

"that's good to hear. how has the masturbation been?"

"great! you were right! i've forgotten what having sex just for the sake of doing it for myself felt like. i've spent so long thinking i enjoyed it when i was really just an item for my partner's satisfaction. in a sense that brought me joy as well, being able to provide a source of happiness for them, but i realised that that's not a healthy thing to keep doing."

sana smiles genuinely, "very good y/n. i'm glad that masturbation has helped you realised that. how about your vaginal muscles? did you try using the dildos in the self care package?"

"um- yes i did but- i was actually hoping- uh-"

"hmm? what is it?"

"well i still haven't really been able to cum from using the dildos, only from the vibrator. it's not as painful anymore to put them in, and i'm still working up the sizes, but it still doesn't really feel good? like it just feels like there's something in me, it doesn't really derive pleasure or anything like that."

sana hums, thinking a little, writing down a few notes before closing her notepad. "would you show me?"

"i- um- sorry what?"

"how you've been masturbating. it may be something with the technique, but if it's something else more serious, i'd need to know about it."

"oh! yeah of course." you stumble upwards, repeating your movements from 2 weeks ago, stripping of your clothes, except this time, you take your top off as well.

sana yelps and turns around at your abrupt show of skin.

"something wrong sana?"

"oh- um- no nothing i just thought- um- i didn't think there was reason for your top to be off as well-"

"you wanted to see how i touched myself right? i generally try and stimulate my tits as well since my nipples are quite sensitive."

"right... yes of course." she turns around again, avoiding your gaze and looking to the floor, waiting for you to get on the examination table.

your lips quirk a little at how shy she's being, "is something the matter sana? you see naked bodies all the time in this line of work don't you? and you pretty much saw me naked last time as well..."

sana blushes even brighter, "um- well- yes but- most of my patients tend to be middle aged and they certainly aren't as attractive as you are."

"you think i'm attractive?" you're laid on the examination table now, head turned to the side so you can watch as the doctor fumbles where she's seated, still not looking at you.

"i- um- well- forgive me- i'm trying really hard to be professional right now and-"

"is that why you left in such a hurry during our last session?" you start trailing your hands over yourself, finding yourself easily aroused in the presence of the other woman.

"oh- um- well- yes i- i didn't want to make you uncomfortable-"

you moan gently when a practiced hand glides up to squeeze softly at a tit, the other sliding down slowly towards your centre. "you could never make me uncomfortable sana. well actually... i was only really uncomfortable when you left me so empty last time. i couldn't wait to go home and try out the toys you gave me, i haven't felt so turned on in so long and i needed to get that out of my system as soon as i could." you're trying to get a rise out of her, but everything you're saying is the truth anyway.

sana's eyes are on you now, wide and a little shocked at the words coming out of your mouth, and you revel in the way that meant her eyes now travelled your body. you try and angle yourself so she can see the way you squeeze at your breast, brushing over a nipple lightly with your palm and watching it pebble in reaction, your other hand dipping down to trace along your folds, finding that you're already dripping, the fact that the object of your sexual desires for the last 2 weeks is now only inches away from you, watching you touch yourself, driving you further off the edge of sanity.

"y/n..." sana's voice comes out almost 2 octaves lower than her usual register. you catch the way she wets her lips and crosses her legs.

"i'm so wet already i don't even need lube. and i know you kept saying to use it no matter what and trust me i did when i got myself off at home, but right now, just look-" you bring your hand up from between your legs, making an obscene display of licking your fingers and sucking on them, making sure she could see the arousal that coated your fingers.

sana's jaw tightens at the sight, she shuffles a little in her seat, unconsciously moving closer towards you.

"you don't have to worry about being unprofessional sana. i promise i want this just as much as you do right now." you slide your hand back down yourself, finding your clit easily after the practice you've gotten over the last fortnight, and rubbing circles around it.

"bold of you to assume i want this. this is my job after all." you leak at the register in her voice, it's something you've only been able to imagine in your fantasies.

"you don't want me?" you pout a little, turning onto your side so your entire body is facing her, your arm pushing your breasts together while a finger tugs gently on a nipple, your other hand still rubbing fast little circles into your clit.

sana chuckles darkly, her eyes closing, she seems to be trying to force herself to keep still.

"because just to be clear... i've thought about how you touched me every single time i came these past two weeks." your breath hitches when you recall the way you'd vigorously rub one out to her, sometimes multiple times a day ever since you started masturbating again. "i- oh fuck- no one has gotten me that turned on in such a short amount of time ever- nng- and i'd think about the way you felt inside me, and how careful and gentle you were- fuck- and then i'd think about how rough you could get as well- oh- and how i'd try and be so good for you- can you- can you pass me the dildo? i think i can slide the smallest one in now-"

she gets up from her seat wordlessly, exuding a dark aura that makes you clench your thighs in anticipation. she moves towards your bag, digging for the package and pulling it out, taking the smallest dildo and then moving back towards you. her pupils are blown, hungrily drinking you in, your fingers speed up just a little at the attention.

you reach out a hand mid-moan, asking for her to pass you the toy.

but she clicks her tongue, pushing your hand away gently and lubing up the toy herself.

you gulp, turning so you're laid flat on your back again, spreading your legs so she can see just how wet you were.

her eyes meet yours briefly, and you adore the way she checks in and makes sure you're okay with this, and you nod, giving her permission before she's sliding the dildo into you.

"oh shit-"

sana hums, pushing the little gold dildo in further, transfixed on the way your fingers move just a little rougher around your clit with every centimetre.

when she's completely inside you moan, clenching around the dildo, it was a comfortable size inside you.

"any pain?" her voice is rough, laced with barely concealed lust.

you whine, "n-no- you can move."

she starts pulling out, and it is almost painful the threat of being empty leaving you desperate, grinding down to try and keep her inside you, but she pushes back in, just a second faster this time and you moan unabashedly.

"f-fuck-" she starts up a rhythm, pulling out of you, then pushing back in, each time a second faster than the last.

you rub your clit, faster, harder, pulling on your nipple, switching to the other one to make sure both were attended to, you've never been built up this quickly. even when you were masturbating you had taken her advice and teased yourself for at least an hour before you got anywhere close to cumming.

you crave her, eyes lidded watching the way the veins in her arms become a little more visible when she thrusts in a little harder. you can hear the examination table shaking under you, you can't keep still at all, trying to meet her on each thrust, the tools and materials clattering about loudly. the possibility that someone could hear you outside flies across your mind but you can barely give it a second thought, in fact, it turns you on even more knowing that you were getting fucked by the most gorgeous doctor that you've been obsessed with the last fortnight, and on the other side of the door everyone was just going about their regular days, having no idea the heights of pleasure she was bringing you to.

"o-oh s-sana oh my god- holy fuck-"

"hmm? good?"

"yes yes so good- oh my god you feel so good inside me i'm gonna- oh fuck-"

"do you mind if i..."

you look down at her, vision a little blurry but you can tell she's asking to do something, "yes yes oh god- whatever- you can do whatever you want to me- oh fuck-"

you feel a soft hand come to rest on your stomach, sliding down to just a little below your belly button, and then it presses down just gently, "oh fuck!" your hips jolt upwards, pleasure running up your spine.

sana stops the pressure but keeps her hand on your lower stomach, "was that okay?"

"god yes- oh sana you're gonna make me cum please-"

so she presses down again, a little harder this time, and you feel the coil in you snap, white enroaching your vision, your thighs shaking, head tilted back, a high-pitched gasp leaving your mouth, feeling completely breathless.

sana waits for you to come down patiently, helping you through your orgasm, continuing her thrusts into your cunt but slower and much gentler.

eventually, you feel your back and hips meet the surface of the examination table under you again, breathing heavily and opening your eyes slowly.

sana's moved next to you, brushing strands of hair out of your face, you preen into her touch. but the next thing she does has you clenching tightly around the dildo that's still inside you. she brings her fingers to her mouth, sucking them in and making a show of wrapping her tongue around them. "exquisite."

you blush, clenching your thighs together at the sight.

she gives you a slow once-over again, before exhaling shakily and turning away, moving to the sink to clean up a little. you struggle a little to sit up, still recovering from your mind-shaking orgasm, and you're about to pull the dildo out of you when she speaks up again, still with her back turned to you.

"keep it inside you. that'll be your homework task for the next fortnight until our next session." she turns around, seeming to have collected herself a little better, her eyes fixed only on your face, purposely avoiding the rest of your body.

you sluggishly start to clean yourself up, wincing a little each time you accidentally move the dildo inside you.

"so you are able to come from penetration, you don't have to worry about that. and it's normal that you need some clitoral or other stimulation to be able to orgasm, often just penetration isn't enough. for the next fortnight i want you to continue masturbating, but i want you to practice leaving a dildo inside yourself afterwards, so your vaginal muscles get used to the feeling of something being inside. you can slowly work your way up the sizes, just don't push yourself and make sure you stop if it starts becoming too painful."

you nod, trying to bring your breathing back to a normal pace while you slip your clothes back on.

"alright. were there any other concerns you wanted to talk about?"

you shake your head, coming to a stand.

"okay. you can make the next appointment with the receptionist out front. i'll see you in 2 weeks y/n."

you nod, again, walking out the door when she opens it for you, but turning back before she can close it catching her a little by surprise, "thank you sana. i look forward to seeing you again soon." your voice is still a little scratchy but sana blushes, pursing her lips and nodding, closing the door after you.

you sigh a little dreamily, feeling more blissed out than you've been in a long time.

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

this continues between the two of you for a few months.

you loved teasing sana and getting her out of her professional state. once you had worn lingerie under your coat to see her. you laugh remembering the way her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as soon as you took off your coat when you were in the privacy of her office. you'd let her fuck you however she wanted, and then you'd use each new experience to get you off during the fortnight that she'd give you new exercises, all increasing in intensity to help build you up to being able to take an average sized penis.

your favourite one to think about was that week that ben started complaining about how you'd been seeing sana for so long that surely you'd be able to take him by now. he insisted on coming to your next appointment but he was forced to sit outside and wait for you. little did he know you were on the other side of the door, a hand clamped over your mouth, the other holding you up against the door with your breasts pressed against it while sana railed into you from behind. of course she kept harnesses in her office. she had said they were mainly there for educational purposes, to show people how to put one on properly so it was safe and wasn't hurting anyone, it was just an added benefit that she also used them to pound into you with increasing dildo sizes each fortnight.

you lean onto your elbows while you watch her wash off the dildo she had just used on you. it was the biggest one yet and you're still fluttering a little remembering the way it filled you up while you rode her.

"what?" she turns around, drying off the dildo and slipping it back into your bag, pulling her shirt back on.

"just think you're nice to look at."

she rolls her eyes playfully, "shut up y/n."

you wiggle your eyebrows, "make me."

she glances at you, narrowing her eyes a little but making no effort to move closer, "as if you could go another round. you came so hard just then."

you giggle and sigh in satisfaction, resting your cheek on a hand, "i did. you're so good at what you do."

sana hums, finishing getting dressed and looking semi-presentable, settling back into her seat, but her expression changes a little while she studies you.

"what's up?"

"... have you tried having sex again with your boyfriend?"

"i told you i haven't."

she hums again, mind drifting elsewhere and you shrug, sitting up and starting to clean yourself up. "you can try now y'know? you were able to take that dildo and that's pretty much the average size of a penis already. unless he's bigger than that...?"

you scoff, shuffling into your pants, "no. he's actually smaller than the one you just used on me."

"then you should try having sex again."

you pull your shirt over your head, thinking over what she's saying. instead of sitting down in your own seat you climb into her lap, her arms wrapping around you automatically, hands gripping your waist while you make yourself comfortable. "doesn't that mean i won't be able to see you anymore?"

sana chuckles a little emptily, "i'm your sex therapist y/n. you knew this was going to end eventually."

"yeah but you don't fuck your other clients do you?"

sana laughs then, you feast in the sound. "no, no i don't."

"good. i was actually thinking..."

"hm?" she brings a hand up to your cheek, brushing slightly.

"would you... i don't know... like... i think about you when i get off yeah but i also think about you like... all the time..."

"mhm."

"so i was wondering if... i don't know if you felt the same if you wanted to like hang out outside of here? and like i don't mean to have sex i mean like go on a date maybe...?" you're shy, bringing this question up, blushing and avoiding her eyes.

"you have a boyfriend y/n." she deadpans.

"well yeah but i was thinking of breaking up with him anyway. now that you're bringing up having sex with him again i don't want that, and i don't want to stop seeing you. i guess just- just the threat that this all might be over soon- well i don't want it to be over. i like you sana." you say a little more firmly this time, meeting her eyes with decisiveness.

sana smiles then, all eyes, leaning in to peck you gently, "come back in a fortnight and we'll see. if you're no longer with him then... maaaybe i'll let you take me out."

your eyes brighten at her response, jumping out of her lap with excitement, "really?! oh my god i'll call him right now and do it-" you're reaching for your phone in your bag when she laughs, pulling you back into her

"don't do it over the phone silly. not even he deserves that."

you pout a little but it’s quickly wiped away when sana kisses you, lips slotting perfectly against yours with practiced ease. you sigh into her, addicted to the feeling, the taste, the smell of her. it was probably the easiest decision of your life, choosing your sex therapist over your boyfriend.

[yakumtsaki]

AND WE'RE BACK. My cancerous thyroid might have briefly cucked me, but now I'm about to cuck every goddamn semi-incestuous couple in this house. Isn't that right, Baby?

-CAWK CAWK

Exactly! Baby here is a parrot that Meadow rolled the want for and I was like sure, what problems could a parrot possibly cause?

-OPEN THIS DOOR. SOMEONE OPEN THIS DOOR FOR ME. OPEN IT RIGHT NOW OPEN IT OPEN IT

Um it should open automatically for you wtf?

-OPEN THE DOOR, MAMMAL TRASH, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING

Ok Baby seriously why won't the doors open for you?

-I DON'T KNOW BUT I WILL STAY HERE AND PREVENT EVERYONE FROM GOING TO CLASS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO USE THE OTHER DOOR

Alright then, clearly there's only one solution to this..

Perfection.

-Um, what happened to the door?

-IT ASKED TOO MANY STUPID QUESTIONS. OUT OF THE WAY, HUMMIE SCUM

Well, Baby was clearly a much needed addition to this house. Now, to the main event: an end to the Year of Sin!

NOP, NEVERMIND, SPOKE TOO SOON, MUST DO THIS INSTEAD. We invite Good Witch over for Spice and she asks to bring a friend and it's FUCKING MALCOLM. LMAO. I simply have to, I can't resist-

-Well well well, if it isn't the famous Malcolm Landgraab IV, the finest intergenerational concubine the world has ever seen!

-Huh?

-You were too much of a straggot to date my father, but I know you won't be able to resist the charms of the much better looking son!

-What?

-God, the conversation is just crackling with sexual tension!

-So, Malc, I believe we should make out. Thoughts?

-Where are those fucking butterflies coming from?

-Your stomach? ;)

No, they're from the Good Witch, my bad y'all.

After many, MANY hours of talking, Malcolm finally accepts a lame wolf whistle-

-but our efforts are interrupted by Felina returning from class. WILL YOU GIVE IT A FUCKING REST FOR ONE DAY

-NEVER

-Sorry kid, but if Malcolm Landgraab is to ever consider bisexuality, it will be for someone who can beat up his own sister.

Wtf kinda rule is that you freak?? You know what, just gtfo-

-NO. Stay here, Malcolm, I'd like to hear stories about you and great-great grandma Victoria!

-Oh wow, now that was a real woman. She could hold her liquor, she could whore around, she could beat up anyone.. No man could ask for anyone more feminine!

You are so right, Malcolm, the only one to ever do it better was Long John Silver!

Ok seriously Barth is there a plan here, why are we wasting valuable time on platonic interactions with this loser?

-I just have a feeling true love will prevail!

What are you even talking about-

UM PWND @ ME WTF. ACR DOES IT AGAIN WITH LITERAL NEGATIVE CHEMISTRY LOL

OH FUCK YES TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. Two Babies with one stone if you will!

-HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME, YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD

Ya ok GROSS but finally we can put this behind us, 1 down, 200 more to go. Cyan go back to your other cousin-lover while you still can because I'm breaking you up too!

-Don't have to tell me twice!

Ugh.

-Hmmm...

What now, Barth.

-Nothing, I just keep forgetting I actually have two eyes.

Ya, you and me both.

-But now that I possess peripheral vision, I see there's so much to be done in this house.

You have set yourself on fire multiple times, please stop with the household tasks, that's why we have a butler.

-But he never actually does anything!

Yes well, his main job is to answer the door and we no longer have one, but it's still money well spent.

-WELL I WILL FIX THE DISHWASHER OR DIE TRYING

-BARTH NO I STILL LOVE YOU

-FUCK YOU SUNSET, YOU BROKE MY HEART BY SLEEPING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. HE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO YOU

Barth no offense but I think I'm ready for your next electrocution to take you out.

-As am I!

-And I!

-GETTING SLAPPED MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY IS STARTING TO AFFECT MY MENTAL HEALTH HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP

You could stop being Satan incarnate?

-No, there has to be a better way!

-How about I sleep with the boyfriend of the only cousin in this house who doesn't already hate me?

Yes, absolutely, and please take another crack at fixing the dishwasher when you're done.

[dr-spectre]

You seem to know a lot about Callie so I have a question! How can I make an AU where Callie stays with the Octarians but not in a bad ending kind of way? (vague tldr at the end)

I have a vague idea that goes like this: Octavio still gets defeated, Marie's ink makes the Hypnoshades malfunction & lose their effect (or just the fact that she literally shot them with a sniper) but Callie doesn't feel ready to go back, maybe because she feels bad for leaving the octarians like this (cuz yknow life is shit for them & callie sympathized with them, so leaving right after she helps defeat their leader could be awkward). But like maybe instead of just disappearing forever she keeps in contact with Marie, and tells her about her new life in the Octo region (which helps Marie understand the octarians more, her hate for them is one of the reasons i couldnt really bring myself to like her so that fixes it)

When things get better for the octarians, which would kinda be a while later, probably enough time for Callie to not feel afraid of getting recognized anymore, Callie will start visiting the surface more often

Tldr instead of hypno callie shes more like octo callie. Yeah my AU's name is the "takozonesu AU" where everything is centered around octarians can you tell

Guys i think this individual likes Octarians idk guys, i have a hunch-

I'm joking. Um here's the thing right, i don't wanna tell you how you should write your own AU, you should have full creative freedom of your own work and what happens. Hell i probably can't give tips on how you should write the Octarians and Octavio because you seem to the expert in that area lmao.

But i do have one major tip on how you should go on about writing Callie.

Please, for the love of god, do not make her stupid, just don't make her dumb and an airhead. I hate seeing that in fan works and it's a misconception of Callie's lighthearted personality.

Callie is just a silly lighthearted gal who has strong emotional intelligence and can pick up on how Marie is feeling and thinking. She is not stupid, far from that. She was never stupid for putting the shades back on, she has mental health issues. I always found it weird that people think Callie is being stupid for turning to a bad coping mechanism/addiction when going through a mental health crisis but anyways.

Yeah just make sure that Callie isn't a complete idiot and that she has deep mental issues from a long period of isolation and mega fame that she tries to keeps hidden and you're good to go.

[shadowqueenjude]

Ok man, I'm getting extremely tired of the Elriel's stagnant arguments. So let me debunk them. Forbidden romance! No, for God's sake, it is NOT forbidden. Feyre and Rhysand would support them both if Elain and Azriel truly loved each other. Not like Lucien would try to get in between them anyway. ElAiN dEsErVeS a ChOiCe! Choice implies multiple options! That means Lucien is a choice too! Elain has chosen Azriel for now! That doesn't mean she can't change her mind! Besides, haven't you EVER heard of the reluctant lovers trope? Be creative please. BuT wHaT iF tHe CaUlDrOn WaS wRoNg? Yeah, the Cauldron could be wrong about Eris and Mor, or it could be wrong about the Lady of Autumn and Helion. Why does this one line HAVE to be referring to elriel? SJM often uses lines like these to foreshadow plotlines yes, but she is never THAT obvious about it. Rhysand was being a hypocrite stopping the Azriel kiss! You could argue that he was, sure, but he was also trying to prevent a major political scandal. SJM isn't going to write Rhysand being wrong in any situation, lmao. Love or hate the character, it doesn't matter. That's just the way she has written him. Elain is an introvert! No. She's just traumatized. Nesta, her sister, says it. Lucien is a fake mate! Azriel showed mating behavior? Uhhhh no. Azriel went after MOR in the King of Hybern scene. Lucien went after guess who? Yeah, ELAIN. It was Nesta who realized Elain was gone and began to worry. Azriel only volunteered after Cassian couldn't go because he was wounded and he was the easy option aside from Feyre because he could hide in the shadows. And guess what? He saved Gwyn too! Maybe he just has a savior complex! Lucien is the one who was concerned about Elain's mental and physical health. Azriel seemed pretty chill when she wasn't eating. And he did NOT want to look after Elain. He made fun of Cassian for having to do it. ElAiN hAs TwO mAtEs! SJM is not going to write that. It would fuck everything up. She wants both characters to be happy. Gwyn is a lightsinger? Probably not, but so fucking what if she ends up being one? You think that's gonna deter Mr. Torturer Azriel? If anything that'll only bring them closer. Nice try. BuT luCiEn Is InTo VaSsA! NO. STOP IT. HE WAS CANONICALLY SEEN TO BE LOOKING AT ELAIN WITH LONGING IN ACOSF. DON'T SPREAD LIES. Vassa is definitely more into Jurian, which is a pairing that makes sense. Lucien is a side character. Um...no? Lucien has been around since book 1. He was a very significant character in that book as well. And in books 2 and 3, he might not have had as much screentime, but almost every moment he had was monumental. We see him survive the Night Court. We hear his story of fulfilling Calanmai, implying he is also chosen by the Spring Court. We have him helping Feyre kill off the twins of Hybern, bring back the army with Vassa, balance 3 roles and still dress immaculately, dominate Cassian with one word. He is also connected to almost every potential plotline in existence. Ok, this one isn't Elriel but some people say TaMlAiN! Because of the spring court foreshadowing. Guess who lived in the Spring Court for decades? Lucien! Guess who is the current Spring Court ruler but isn't doing much of ruling? Tamlin! Guess who also was able to do Spring Court Calanmai? Lucien! Wow, it almost looks like Lucien is going to replace Tamlin! SJM is not going to put one sister with another sister's ex anyway, that's weird. Elain has her chosen family in the Night Court in Nuala and Cerridwen! She belongs there! No. Just stop it. SJM could not be more clear with that line about the black dress sucking the life out of her and Elain being bothered by the cruelty in the Hewn City. Guess who is also pretty averse to violence? Oh yeah, Lucien! As for chosen family... Feyre had Tamlin and Lucien. They didn't end up being her chosen family, the IC did. Nesta didn't find her chosen family until her book. Lucien's band of exiles are not his chosen family either. Lucien and Elain are just really good at making friends.

[bylersboy]

intro post (finally)

ive debated making an intro post because first off ive been on tumblr for two years and I never got around to it and secondly I am really really horrible at talking about myself because what is to much info and what it to little info and the cycle continues but im giving it a shot because I feel like my mutuals have no idea who I am lmao

HAI my name is Charlie im 15 (18+ I dont mind if you follow me but please dont dm me thank you :]) I use jasper as an online name kind of (at this point its just reserved for my best friend ace but I dont mind if other people call me jasper since I still love the name)

my pronouns are he/him but im also perfectly comfortable with common neopronouns (it/its xey/xem) if you wanna get funky with it.

im a self diagnosed autistic and ARFID (if you dont know what that is its an eating disorder where certain factors make you avoidant and restrictive of the food you eat and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. for me its linked to my autistic sensory issues(ALSO OCD NOW?!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!!?)) I have depression and anxiety and the only reason I mention this is because I relate my mental health to my fav characters in tv shows and books and stuff so if you see me posting about them like everything is connected lol

(my a03 is ghostwithfeet if you want to see me be silly and project my weird life onto fictional characters (I am the most inconsistent updater in the world please expect nothing from me if you even ask about a project it will scare me and like I turtle I will crawl into my shell never to see the light of day again))

my interests really vary about current hyperfixations but heres the master list

current hyperfixs

stranger things specifically Byler but mostly mike wheeler (this has turned into a special interest(I DO NOT support Noah schnapp or another of the other cast members who are in support of the inhumane actions the Israel government are doing. I am pro saving innocent civilians. I know that this can be controversial to be such a big fan of this show and honestly I have a lot of complex feelings on the matter but im autistic as previously mentioned and its my special interest and It won't leave my brain even if im not directly interacting with the media so im gonna yap about it on my blog thank you.))

also just Finn wolf hard for some reason (check out his band the Aubreys its awesome. also check out a recent movie he was in called when you finished Saving the world. it means a lot to me)

donna tarts the goldfinch book

old special interests/hyperfixs

the percy Jackson universe specifically nico di Angelo

the IT universe specifically reddie and Beverly marsh but more leaning towards richie tozier (see what I mean with the Finn wolf hard thing)

dead boy detectives !!

doctor who (I haven't even finished David tenants doctor yet so please no spoilers)

Alice oseman content (never read loveless or iwbft but ive read all of her other stuff)

paper girls graphic novel

other interests

the good place tv show

Kathleen Glasgows book girl in pieces

the walking dead comics including the clementine spin off graphic novels

um yeah thats all I can think of for now

my fav musicians/bands

florence and the machine

indigo de Souza

Kevin Atwater

searows

the Aubreys

sadurn

the cranberries

soccer mommy

runo plum

nep

lala lala

the smiths

hospital bracelet

Chappell roan

AURORA

Madilyn Mei!

Elliot smith

(my music taste is all over the place and is also very seasonal and I have a bunch of underground artists I dont listen to but I am here to give good recs I promise my playlists are fire)

we've gotten to the part of the intro post where im wondering if this is way to much information so sorry if I overshared idk but hope we can be silly mutuals or friends if you want (never be scared to shoot the friendship shot I would love to yap with y'all)

also since this is taking over my other pinned post I just want to put this as an honorary spot and let everyone know that my old pinned post was a quote from radio silence and that Aled last is me and I am him and the February Friday plot line is actually me and it makes me sick how much I resonate with that book

[y-vna]

short break zoooooom (?)

READ THIS TY: not a clout post i don't really want people commenting saying they want me to have a good break and get better. Ik you're all in the right place in your heart, but i genuinely just wrote this to ask for people to help me relate to whatever I said at the bottom of this post.. I wanna get better. And i think if i talk to people who understand it then i can do that.

--

i feel like when i say i'm taking a break, it turns out to just be a day long, but I might delete the app for a week or so (ik the expectations are low af). Been suffering from a really bad existential crisis i can't get over. Basically a really disturbing case of Thanatophobia i just can't function normally anymore i can't stop feeling anxious at all. It might never go away but i hope to get better, because for now, it's genuinely affecting my mindset i don't even WANT to make moodboards. 😭😭

i get it, creators take breaks all the time and you might think it's annoying when they keep announcing it (lmao meanwhile i make a bad mental health post every few months), but hey, it's my blog so whatever. 🫠

--

hi pls help me haha: um btw if you've ever had crippling bad Thanatophobia (go search it up), I would appreciate it if you could help me get over it maybe, it's been a terrifying week mentally woohoo! Somewhere in pms/dms or anywhere you can reach me, it would help a lot if you share your experience growing from that fear. bc i'm slowly mentally deterioriting. (also it would help if you're atheist because the religious part of it just won't help me i'm sorry.) 🫡🫡🫥🫥🫨🫨

or maybe this post will get deleted and i'll keep coming here to distract myself idk whatever i feel like. okay yay thanks for reading ily.

[sophiethewitch1]

hey sophie! ive been listening to the www playlist a lot lately and was wondering if you could bust out ur playlist thesis? however much ur cool with sharing!! would love to hear your thoughts hehe. also, are there any bonus tracks we can listen to from the big og playlist?

i want you to know that for this entire post I was doing this

absolutely constantly. raving maniac mode. under the cut so i don't make everyone hate me for all the bullshit im about to spout and like some cough cough future hints. No actual spoilers but like... vibes and things that are obvious. Me telling you there will be yandere things in the yandere story, shock horror. These songs are the trailers/animatics in my head so uh. It's kind of hard to explain them without that (which is why I literally CAN NOT) for a couple of them lol. Oh!!!! And I've also got some other songs that really should've made the playlist but I just didn't add for some reason. Laziness or whatever. One's literally called birthday party. I uh. Don't think I need to explain that one.

But also I just like, whatever who cares if some of the songs on there aren't ones I 100% associate w what we want so here's the full playlist live your dreams. Most of them I associate at least a moderate bit. BUt under here is the fucking essay I've somehow written lmao I lost my mind somewhere along the way.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO??? By Bastille and Graham Coxon is first on the playlist for a reason. It's sort of like, similar to the rocking feeling of what being cramped on the subway was like to me? And it's a song that's pretty obvious with the lyric comparisons. The 'you' in the title IS you! What are you gonna do? You have us (Gotham, the world, the batfam) listening, so what are you gonna do with it? And it matches readers future response quite well I think. And it feels like something that a superhero would have in the background, which certainly helps.

Keep You Mine by NOTD and Shy Martin was actually just one of those songs you were listening to on loop at the time you were doing a thing, and then became intrinsically linked to that thing, but it still represent WWW quite well! It matches more so the later acts of the story, where you and the boys will have some issues staying together with eachother. But it's still poppy and romantic in tone!! Because you guys and your relationship, despite everything that'll happen, you want to keep each other y'know? And reader's like possessive and jealous in a cutesy way to offset how absolutely psycho bonkers the guys will end up being... But I also feel this too matches the superhero vibes? Somehow? The fight on of it... You must keep fighting, for each other!

Tinfoil Hat by Dolo Tonight is like,,, about the frustration of being a Gotham resident I suppose (or anyone living in late stage capitalism with a mental illness) but especially you! Since you totally fucking got ripped from one universe to another and um, i don't know if you've noticed this yet but... there seems to be some issues with readers idols??? Seeing as you love the waynes but hate the bats. Please duck under the comically large chekov's gun and come this way. Also because reader for a little bit does geniunely think she's crazy and need to go to the psychiatrist but obviously thinks that is the worst idea ever because the gotham mental health system is really just prison. and it's a prison with her nemesis. not the place to be.

Live, Learn, Die by Lavin is pretty obvious too, but in a much sadder tone. Reader as a character has at this point come to a conclusion that I'm sure many of us do in their lifetime (I know I have at least) which is that... things suck, and then you die. She doesn't want to die, but she doesn't really particularly actually want to live, she's just so damn focused on survival she's never actually even had the time to realise that. This other version of her who didn't have 24/7 adrenaline running in her body was obviously significantly worse off and seemed... off. If everyone you love is dead, is surviving for them even worth it anymore? She's still learning, so maybe she'll learn something different this time...?

Next song is a spoiler so skipping it <3! Lmfao interpret this however you'd like

Thelma + Louise By Bastille is a song about a scene that I am so damn eager to get to which unfortunately is in act fucking 3 which is my favourite but like. Suffering I am suffering :) Anyways I can't tell you too much about it because of but I will say that it's a road trip between you, Dick and Jason! It's very fun and absolutely no complex feelings are involved whatsoever. You meet Lucy the giant elephant (actual roadside attraction in new jersey lmfao). This song is Dick Grayson coded in like... mostly sunny vibes. Like the warmth the song gives, that's how you make him feel.

Temper Temper by LimeCordiale is a song that is about... you and Jason... and his poor poor habit of enabling you. 'Me and my girlfriend that I let do whatever she wants to me because shes hot' core. Bruce sees the two of you in the landing and gets immediate d10 psychic damage it's impressive. Anyways if anyone ever angers you (which I'm sure they never ever ever will :)) he's probably going to be there to back you up, because 'you know that that's what I like'. That video of you punching George is private time material frankly.

Next song is ALSO a spoiler which um. cough. 😳 let's not look too deep at this one actually folks

Werewolf By Quinn XCII. Ah yes, the yan in the yandere story. This one is ALSO about Jason but this is the most Jason coded song. I will say that this also features in the story at some point (you, Molly, Dick, Jason and some very poor suffering grunts). It's the lyrics. I've always said Jason is a loyal dog and I stand by it till the day I die. He also feels like a feral animal that constantly kind of wants to swallow you whole which is romantic I think <3 <4 But geniunely put that thing on a leash for the betterment of mankind. I mean you make them all feel like starving monsters Jason's the only one who has any self awareness unfortunately, which is why this is HIS song. Also because he'd be a werewolf, case close your honour. Dick'd be a vampire it's LITERALLY canon. WHat was I talking about

Ghosts by The 1975 got on here because I heard the first line and went 'hA!' because it really do just be 'You... You always seem to get what you want.' and also the "You seem to get better" is fuckin. IT'S SO GOOD MAN! That's EXACTLY what the guys are thinking when the next few chapters start coming around which. Really were supposed to be out by now whoopsie but yknow like. Anyways you ARE gonna start working on things!!! You're gonna talk to Molly!! You're gonna get more flowers!!!!! God damn it, you're gonna get what you want!!!!!!!!!!!!! (at least this first bit oop)

Next two are spoilers again, but this time you absolutely won't be able to guess because they're both animatic inside my own brain so take that! And I mean you REALLY won't be able to guess they're great scenes can't wait for you to see em. I can't wait either tbh why am I writing these stupid filler scenes lmao. why can't i skip to the end of my 200k enemies to lovers slowburn just to write the final chapter (did this to herself)

Together We're Screwed By Robotaki and Nevve is a song I've loved for ageeessssss bro because there is (to me at least) nothing more romantic than being a terrible horrible unredeemable person with the one you love. Hand in unlovable hand baby! That's like... the fic I guess, together the five of you are screwed. And it just matches that same earlier mentioned vibe of like... poppy kinda techno-y kinda superhero-y kinda loser-y. Listen to me, listen to me... This fic is about many things and I'll say it again and again and everytime it's true in a different way and this time it's true in this way. This fic is about being about being a loser and bad at everything and still managing to get what you want. Actually that might be what this fic is actually actually centrally about. 'We're both a mess, we just can't get it right. Together we're screwed. I'm looking at you, I'm looking at you~' like, be a mess!

And now we're at the exciting new

Birthday Party by AJR is like the equivalent of what would be a canon event for this au. Your birthday HAS to happen and it HAS to suck ass and all your family HAS to die on this day for some reason or another.. Some people told me when they had their birthday they thought of my fic and I was like damn bro who hurt you? /jk but really reader's birthday is kind of a reflection of... you know, everyone has at least one of those sucky as birthdays. And you've gotta paste on a brave face and pretend you don't want to cry and that it's all not too much and that for some reason you're disappointed and that the trudging march of time scares the shit out of you and that you haven't achieved anything this year and- You know? 'And that's just how it is.'

Okay I've run out of videos I can add but there are only two songs left so!! Ima finish this anyways.

Inertia by AJR is a song where again the lyrics speak for itself. Before you woke up in a slightly different world where everything was just slightly different, your life was stagnant. You were stuck, absolutely. Despite trying to break out of poverty, out of your circumstances, fortune simply wouldn't smile on you. And again, that other you seemed to reflect that stagnancy. She wasn't going anywhere either. In my head I see the two of you dancing like marionettes alone on your stages alone, unable to fight against the strings pulling at you. It's only till you start dancing with eachother, till the strings start tangling that you start getting any freedom. That you're able to start getting anywhere. Maybe being set off course was the best thing that could happen to both of you?

Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay is a song that both me and my mum love, and also one very fitting to the superhero theme! And it's how ALL the guys feel about you!! You're really just a civilian, you're not that important in the grand scheme of things... But why do you like them? It's for such stupid reasons. It's because of the way Damian reads romance novels and Jason never properly tapes his nuckles and Dick has a stupid bleeding heart so he keeps taking too many hours at the Bludhaven pet rescue and Tim always fucking sends you the new york wordle, connections, crossword and spelling bee first thing in the morning and then asks if you want any help when he knows you want to do it on your own and- Every single moment of you is done with such love and sincerity and heart and they can't help but fall in love again and again and again. 'I want something just like this' is a phrase they'll say to you and you'll say to them too.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

....wrt the last post: thing i'm *least* thankful to this blog for however is i met someone who ultimatley went on to say that i shouldn't complain about having trouble making friends because at least i could talk to people. and when i brought up past challenges *making* friends, including my actually dead friend. who died. they suicide baited me, doubled down, then played the victim online

they apologized citing a major mental health episode and since theyd went to treatment i was like ok cool

and then when i was discovering the whole "i was secretly two people and it was fucking up my whole life" thing in the last post, screamed in my face for an extremely minor slight (pointing. a sewing needle as a sword. from like three feet away. i made sure to keep my arm close to me so they werent ACTUALLY nervous i'd stab em!!) and used this to fish for attention wrt their own system. because god forbid the attention be solely on me for a hot sec because i found out something that legitimatley upended my life

it turned physical and they(/their alter? my memory is hazy tbh) started to choke. me.

so i did it back so theyd fucking let go. and held for about a minute because i was TERRIFIED that it was just a fakeout. because and to reiterate my friend screamed in my goddamn face out of nowhere while i was mid mental health crisis. so i was freaking out!!

and as a sidenote: i choked them by pressing down on the arteries on the side of the neck to make them lightheaded, NOT fully holding their neck and windpipe. if you know anything about bdsm breathplay, you recognize this method lmao

i however got the hands around my throat treatment

so. yeah. um. when they have an episode they get to be forgiven but when i have one i get screamed at even though mine explicitly involved a direct reaction to abuse. and then choked out and the fact that they started it by screaming at me VERY loudly! out of nowhere! not even acknowledged!! because I Threw The First Punch. and thats all that matters. who gives a fuck if i felt extremely threatened

and i just. idek why im even talking about this. i dont even think this is gonna be something that yall like... Care About? i dont want to be seen as someone who airs out interpersonal drama online and Makes Callout Posts or whatever. this isnt a Callout Post i dont want this to become a Thing. but it feels just so surreal to see people who i know AND they know interacting with the both of us without knowing about.... the frankly pretty terrible stuff they did to me. ok send tweet etc etc or whatever. yeah.

[kafus]

in 2012 my bus rides to and from school were incredibly long because i was going to a magnet program, and since this was before 5G and whatnot this meant i had a lot of offline time to chill every morning and after school. like, a full hour in both directions.

a lot of listening to vocaloid music on my PSP/recently acquired first ipod touch, a lot of looking out the window and daydreaming, sometimes drawing. i didn’t have friends and did not interact with anyone and sat as far away from other people as possible, so i was really left alone with my thoughts. but of course the thing is, with undiagnosed DID, my thoughts weren’t really “alone”

i know i had this conversation numerous times but i do remember a time in particular when it happened; i got to a conversation with “myself” about whether or not the other “voice” was real. i referred to ayano affectionately as “my subconscious” at the time and i explained her influences over my behavior or even her fronting as the influence of my “subconscious”. but i had an inkling at least that the way we communicated and the amount of control my “subconscious” sometimes had was not normal, and i’d talk to her about it. and it was usually like,

“are you real?”

“i don’t know. i think so?”

“well if you’re not me, say something surprising that i would never say”

“um… monkey”

(inexplicably smiling to myself affectionately) “i would never bring up monkeys by myself but that’s too easy. picking something i don’t like is too easy”

“what am i supposed to say then. apple?”

“but what if my subconscious is just causing me to say everything you’re - i’m - saying, to myself”

“if i’m just your subconscious shouldn’t you be able to get me to stop talking”

“what if my subconscious just wanted me to say that, though”

and it would go on in a circle endlessly, with me pointing out at any time that well, my “subconscious” could be the cause. it is a mystery how far i thought other people could deceive themselves as an extension of the subconscious on a regular and consistent basis, lmao

it’s hard to explain how i felt about it all at the time. i was aware at this point that there was something “wrong” with my brain, i was (unsuccessfully) deep in the mental health system at this point and even just on account of being autistic there was something that set me apart, so i knew as well that the conversations i was having in my head and god forbid the romantic ones probably weren’t “normal”, but i had no idea how to rationalize any of it and my explanation for it changed all the time. you’d think maybe it would be scary, but it wasn’t. it felt bigger than me, incomprehensible, like there was so much i didn’t understand, but at the end of the day it was holding me together and even though i didn’t have a proper name for her yet, i really did like interacting with ayano. i wouldn’t have been kissing her crying at 4 am on a school night if i didn’t

[convxction]

HELLO!!! Been following your blog since like I was in 6th grade? Just now made a tumblr account so HELLO YOUR CHROM GIVES ME HAPPIES!! 💙💙

Anyway question for Chrom and the muse, does Chrom ever get sick? Colds or anything? Headaches? Stomach issues? I know he hates rhubarb but I was wondering if he had a immune system/stomach of *steel* besides that. The nurse in me wants to know!

Okay thank you have a lovely day ^o^

*insert x files music*

sINCE 6TH GRADE!?! UM! HOW OLD ARE YOU!?!?! NOW??????? LIKE..SINCE WHEN DID YOU SEE MY CHAOTIC DISPLAY OF WRITING ON THIS SILLY GOOFY BLOG THAT I TRY TO KEEP AS 'PROPER' RP BLOG AND FAMILY FRIEND????and like fails...because life truck san lol

ok um i'm glad my rambling here makes someone happy haha. lives to serve the crumbiest of the scrumbtious of mister fayre embrumbu, krumb. honestly, this is my crazy zone where i can rant about this silly man and have fun and feel happy when people like you say that they are happy to read my chaotic thoughts nyehehehe~

and a question!? heck yeah my favorite kind of support hoho~

you got that right! and i think i might have mentioned this before here or on discord about him wolfing down literally anything because you know there was a time when ylisse was not doing great after le papa did that 'let's go to za war~' ylisse lost most of its farmers and able hands so basically agriculture and economy took a dive in the plegian sea. so in short, they had to survive on what they already had or managed to acquire from Ferox (ofc not charity) and ofc that means c/hrom had to eat what was given to him. so for his stomach, it is almost a black hole unless you are talking about sully, kjelle, lucina and vaike's food--he is still pretty much human and will keel over because of their mystery food x LOL

as for getting sick hmmm not really but the downside of him not getting sick that often is that when he actually gets sick, it is severe. and it does not help that he tries to act cool and tough and obviously anti-sleeping-on-bed. you literally have to strap him to the bed or put frederick on watch lmao. i mentioned before that his physical health is top notch but when it comes to mental health is questionable teehe~ you need naga's mercy and the power of tough love to shake dem demons out of him lololol.

i hope the nurse in you is satisfied with this answer ~ if you got any thoughts share them! it would be interesting to know more practical and medical side of things since i know zero about them hoho. thanks uncle gloglgoglo for answering some questions i have at times lol

thanks lovely! your ask made me so happy, too! honestly i had to stare at it for a couple of hours and wait for the 'syke' but turns out a nice message ;u; <3

[miniimapp]

Jesse - You Boys Are the (Homosexual) Supporting Cast

Gen;; Fluff - Headcanons

Warnings ;; no ?? i mean,, stress and anger (from reader pov) but not really ??

Proofread + Edited ;; a little bit actually,, mainly when going through and adding the bold and the blue and the italics lmao

Auth. Note ;; bet y'all thought i died.. nah i ain't never leaving i'm just clumsy af and smashed my phone into smithereens,, prolly got y'all tho lmaoooo

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

Jesse is an insufferable flirt

Which would be fine if you didn't have shit to do

But you do !!

Accepting the roles of stage manager as well as assistant director was the worst choice you could have ever made

So help the world if you ever get your hands on a time machine

The school production may fall apart but at least your mental health would still be somewhat intact

But for now you're stuck with mountains of responsibilities and a sweet fucking annoying distraction

Speaking of said distraction

Jesse plays the lead's best friend and also an asshole who won't let you get on with your work

So he has his fair share of time on stage

But even then, you can barely catch a break

As soon as he steps foot into the wings he somehow immediately finds you

It honestly baffles you how differently Jesse acts in and out of class

Okay but on a real note you can't be at all angry at Jesse

Not when he's being so sweet and charming

Even though he keeps getting in your way

At one point, when the director was sick so you had to take that over whilst being stage manager and assistant director as well you had snapped at Jesse

He hadn't even been flirting with you at that point

Mans was literally just in the vicinity

Apparently that was enough of a crime to warrant your wrath

You absolutely still cringe thinking about that day

You hadn't shouted or anything

No, no you'd angrily whispered

And because you were stressed and upset your voice jumped like 5 octaves

Okay maybe not but it felt that way

You were giving mickey mouse realness

Which we love :D

It just wasn't the time

It's never the time for mickey mouse realness in today's society smh

You were on the verge of tears and mass murder which is always a good combination

(why are you always breaking down around this man fr)

Jesse had stared at you wide-eyed as you shat out a monologue of stress and misplaced anger

And once you were finished, chest heaving and feeling lighter than you had in a while, Jesse sends you an encouraging smile

"Sorry, sweetheart, I never meant to offend ya. Honestly, I was kinda hoping I was breaking up your stress, that's where I was coming from anyway. Still, I only caused you grief, not very fair of me, I'll admit."

You sniffed, awkwardly laughing things off and rubbing at your face

"Sorry for snapping at you. God, why is it whenever we talk I'm always freaking out."

Jesse laughs, a cheeky grin lighting up his face

"It's so I can rescue you from the depths of your despair, like your very own knight in shining armour."

Your roll your eyes good-naturedly, your own smile making it's way onto your face

"Oh, my hero!"

You pretend to swoon and Jesse's smile widens

You give yourself a second to take a breath, realising that, as bad as it seems afterwards, you really needed this

"Thank for, um, listening I guess. I didn't realise how much I needed to get off my chest until I was throwing it at you so I'm sorry but thank you."

Jesse gives a small nod and smile

"Anytime...well, maybe not any but you get what I mean."

After getting over that bump in the road the two of you get on like a house on fire

And you quickly come to appreciate the break in routine that Jesse gives you

You never quite realise how much the stress is getting to you until Jesse drags you away from your scripts and into something else

Something fun

As you two become closer you notice that he's started becoming more.. touchy

Like brushing stray hairs out of you face

Or tapping the tip of your nose

Or giving you a side hug before going on stage

Or leaning up against you to read over your notes

Things like that

And at first you thought they were innocent, unconscious actions

Until of course he started winking at you as he walked on stage

Or smirking at you after smoothing down a stray hair

Or making stupid comments as he moves away

Jesse is absolutely fucking with you

This absolute bitch

You're about to pull up fr

And his flirting continues throughout the whole rehearsal period

And you love it

It gives you happy butterflies in your chest and stomach

It's bearable you suppose...

But his secret winks and smiles directed only at you do get you thinking a little bit

You've never really watched the rehearsals properly

Probably not a good thing to be realising now, seeing as you have such important roles

Oh well, you haven't ruined the show yet

Everything will probably be just fine

Obviously you'd directed and checked for cues when leading everyone backstage but you'd never just watched it

So as the rehearsals left before opening night dwindle to only a few you decide you'll just watch for once

And somehow you've never noticed that Jesse's character has a love interest

Not a problem

You have zero problems

Next question

Okay shut up

It does slightly grind on your nerves watching their confession scene

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's fine.

No worries.

You can handle this.

But it certainly doesn't help that Jesse keeps making eye contact with you when saying his lines

Like,, bro

The director in you wants to scream

He's meant to be confessing to his love interest, not you !!

Make eye contact with the love interest !!

But the rest of you ??

Simply ascending every time Jesse confesses while gazing into your eyes

The dreamy asshole

Not so subtly glad he's looking at you and not at them

It's getting kinda hard to distinguish between reality and fiction

And the heat in your cheeks won't disappear regardless so that's great

Your only saving grace is that Jesse doesn't keep his eyes on you throughout the whole scene

But every time without fail, just before the scene ends, Jesse searches for your gaze and holds it, uttering his character's final line

"My love, for you I would do anything."

[sehtoast]

this is so random but god i am obsessed w ur john x homelander!reader pieces from like. last year LMAO, they’re so insanely good i might eat dry wall. scrolling through the tags for the boys fanfics & seeing pieces where everyone BUT the reader is fucked up & freaky makes me itch. reading ur pieces is like drinking water in a desert.. um. so yea just wanted to say ur rad for that. and thank you for ur service w ur posts on the recent ep too bc ur literally real don’t let ppl convince u otherwise 🫡 - 🐠

This is so sweet 🥺🥺  I love powerswap aus like nothing else, and I love exploring what it’d be like to have a HL!reader interacting with a human!John. The dynamic is incredibly fun, and writing unhinged readers is an absolute blast because the limit is quite literally your imagination. Sure, the reader is Homelander and will have Homelander-y behaviors, but they're also not John. They don't have the exact same quirks as him and might be more or less of this or that, which opens the door to really play with them.

I actually got a little inspiration after this ask and have a teeny idea going for another fic in this little series.  It might take a while since today marks the first day that my next term of college starts, but you’ve given me the brain worms to think about them some more >:)

and thank you for saying that about what i've been saying from the last episode ;-; my mental health took a big dive after that ep and i'm still fighting my brain in not feeling bad or guilty about my takes being different from the bulk of the fandom <3

[dr-spectre]

Hi (sorry if you've answered this before and I missed it) I'm curious, how long have you been a fan of Callie?? Or even just Splatoon in general?

Hi!!! I have answered something similar to this before but I'll answer it again because I have stuff I wanna say!

I've been a fan of the series since December 2017 when I got Splatoon 2 for my birthday. Although before then I was watching tons of YouTube videos about Splatoon 1 as I didn't have a Wii U. Like the rest of the population lmao.

However, in terms of being a fan of Callie? I was a "casual enjoyer" of this silly little bastard when I got Splatoon 2.

Yeah... during THAT arc of her character. I became a casual fan of hers during her Splatoon 2 arc and now I ramble about her most misunderstood period, trying to clear up what happened and wanting people to use the correct terminology when describing things. Funny how things work out eh?

However, my teen brain only saw her as "cute" and nothing more. Just eye candy... and um.. a LITTLLEEEE more than that but I won't go into what I was doing during my teen years... I think you can figure it out...

Anyways! Ever since Splatoon 2 and into Splatoon 3, I always remained pretty causal towards Callie and always thought she was so damn cute.

But... I became a BIGGER fan of hers during a pretty rough mental health period in my life during mid 2023. Let's just say shit was really hitting the fan for me during that time and Splatoon was there for me during that rough patch. I took a visit to Alterna and I saw... her... standing there... staring at me... I just looked at her via photo mode and... something happened. I dont know what, but my brain suddenly became hyperfixated on her and my interest for her began to grow and grow AND GROW!

This son of a bitch hypnotised me, minus the shades.

I also have these old screenshots from discord as proof of my loyalty to this squid lady.

This is when the brainrot got severe and I knew something was happening in my head and I ranted about it to my friends in a private server...

[ourstaturestouchtheskies]

hello hello hello 💝💝

SO, here to ask you about your spotify wrapped buttttt it's gonna be a double little game so let's go 👀👀👀

first part is about spotify wrapped 1-100; your number 7, 18 & 50 songs and you can add your favourite lyrics here too if you'd like, that's very fun

second part is about the spotify wrapped ask game, so; question no2: a song you didn't expect to see in your top 10/ question no8: longest song/ question no18: a song that describes your year so far

hello my dear!! 💕💕

ahhhhhhhh thank you so much for this!! how super fun! ☺️☺️

(I also included my silly commentary on these bc I guess I can't shut up about music lol sorry about that 😅)

in fact, I'm actually putting this below the cut because I rambled so much I am so sorry 😭😭

okay, so for part one, I've got:

7. old churchyard – the wailin' jennys

I was like damn why was this up so high? but then I remembered I have it on this playlist of calm music that I often listen to before I go to sleep, so that makes sense now lol

18. so long, london – taylor swift

I cheated and included two sets of lyrics here, although I could have added way more lmao. but um. basically I won't get into it too much but I did a semester abroad in London in 2019 that kind of destroyed my mental health and like ruined my life for a little bit there, so this song is very personal to me. I know she's referring to a person, but for me the song is about the city itself. and tbh I am pissed off that I gave it all of that youth for free. so. yeah

50. but daddy i love him – taylor swift

this one's funny to me bc it's not really relatable at all for me and also like the whole circumstance around it is kinda weird but here's the thing: first, it's so fucking catchy that I can't resist it. second, we hang our laundry outside during the summer and listening to that song while hanging stuff on the line in the backyard made me feel like the protagonist in one of those horse girl movies which was kinda fun lmaooooooo

and for part two!

a song i didn't expect to see in my top ten:

for the dancing and the dreaming – the hound + the fox, taylor davis

this I think is also up there bc of the aforementioned calming playlist. actually there were a number of songs I didn't expect to see in the top ten, and I think a lot of them are bc I had them on playlists that I listened to a lot

longest song:

the lady of shalott – loreena mckennitt (11:34)

this is actually a sung version of one of my favorite poems! (the poem is by alfred lord tennyson) and even though it's so long it's not even the whole poem like she cut some stanzas 😭

a song that describes my year so far:

easy – misterwives

I guess all I've got to say here is "it gets easier but it's not easy" amiright fellas???

anyway, all my ramblings aside, thank you so much for these super fun questions!! I really enjoyed answering them, and it's so fun to look back at the year via the music I listened to! ☺️☺️

I hope you're doing well! sending warm thoughts! 🥰🥰

[sp00kymulderr]

5th Nov.

This week has been fucking weird. I don't want to go in to detail but the mental health was not it. But then the last couple days have been ??? oddly good. Thanks a lot to this place, this community. Idk. I'm not much of a good at talking to people person but there's just something about people in this fandom that makes life feel alright. I'm obsessed w you guys honestly 💕

I didn't do much this week. I got ghosted. I went to a Rammstein tribute. I ran around the park with my nephew. I had a shit few days at work but what's that but normal right now?

I've read some good good stuff this week.

Who would I be without mentioning into the beat of the night chapter one - transmission by @perotovar - one chapter in and this fic is already everything to me ❤️

Every Colour Illuminates by @the-blind-assassin-12 was a beautiful way to start my week off, a gorgeous read.

Not a fic, but this Self Care with Dieter & Jett post really put me on a good track after some bad days. Thank you @morallyinept

And because I didn't post my recs last week I have have to mention two fics by @covetyou which changed me fundamentally: Send in the Clown

open hand or closed fist would be fine (I'm reading the rest of swat now and um wow 😮)

Lo, how can i convince you to write a bravo the clown fisting fic?!?!

I actually posted quite a lot this week??? somehow??? The notes are shockingly low and tbh I nearly deleted one of these the day after posting but I am resisting and trying to remain proud that I even wrote anything.

I finally posted Our House of Flames pt 3 - Afterburn which I my ongoing 4 part Joel series. Great if you like grief and misery and guilt lmao.

Put up chapter one of Lucida Sidera, my Ezra series featuring my first original character! This fic is an update of something I first plotted and posted in 2019 and has a special place in my heart.

And I also posted these Pedro boy gender and sexuality headcanons!

Tomorrow I have a job interview…I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I do need a new job and this one helps me stay in a similar position to what I'm in now. The rest of the week is lacking in any plans bc I’m boring, but I'll definitely be back at the gym and I'm starting a new program so maybe I'll get back into heavy deadlifts since I haven't done any in a few weeks!

Also writing, with hopes to publish a dirty Joel oneshot and possibly a Dieter thing if I can get my act together!

Love you guys. Thanks for the things you do. You're incredible 🩷✨🩷✨