#btw i have no idea why younger me hated monkeys sm

[kafus]

in 2012 my bus rides to and from school were incredibly long because i was going to a magnet program, and since this was before 5G and whatnot this meant i had a lot of offline time to chill every morning and after school. like, a full hour in both directions.

a lot of listening to vocaloid music on my PSP/recently acquired first ipod touch, a lot of looking out the window and daydreaming, sometimes drawing. i didn’t have friends and did not interact with anyone and sat as far away from other people as possible, so i was really left alone with my thoughts. but of course the thing is, with undiagnosed DID, my thoughts weren’t really “alone”

i know i had this conversation numerous times but i do remember a time in particular when it happened; i got to a conversation with “myself” about whether or not the other “voice” was real. i referred to ayano affectionately as “my subconscious” at the time and i explained her influences over my behavior or even her fronting as the influence of my “subconscious”. but i had an inkling at least that the way we communicated and the amount of control my “subconscious” sometimes had was not normal, and i’d talk to her about it. and it was usually like,

“are you real?”

“i don’t know. i think so?”

“well if you’re not me, say something surprising that i would never say”

“um… monkey”

(inexplicably smiling to myself affectionately) “i would never bring up monkeys by myself but that’s too easy. picking something i don’t like is too easy”

“what am i supposed to say then. apple?”

“but what if my subconscious is just causing me to say everything you’re - i’m - saying, to myself”

“if i’m just your subconscious shouldn’t you be able to get me to stop talking”

“what if my subconscious just wanted me to say that, though”

and it would go on in a circle endlessly, with me pointing out at any time that well, my “subconscious” could be the cause. it is a mystery how far i thought other people could deceive themselves as an extension of the subconscious on a regular and consistent basis, lmao

it’s hard to explain how i felt about it all at the time. i was aware at this point that there was something “wrong” with my brain, i was (unsuccessfully) deep in the mental health system at this point and even just on account of being autistic there was something that set me apart, so i knew as well that the conversations i was having in my head and god forbid the romantic ones probably weren’t “normal”, but i had no idea how to rationalize any of it and my explanation for it changed all the time. you’d think maybe it would be scary, but it wasn’t. it felt bigger than me, incomprehensible, like there was so much i didn’t understand, but at the end of the day it was holding me together and even though i didn’t have a proper name for her yet, i really did like interacting with ayano. i wouldn’t have been kissing her crying at 4 am on a school night if i didn’t