#because this is how fourth year of uni made me feel like

[deakyjoe]

Absolution

Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi x Reader (afab, fem)

Category: smut, sex pollen

Summary: Obi-Wan really should have let his curiosity go and avoided that flower.

Warnings: 18+, smut (!!), sex pollen, slight dubcon (because of sex pollen but all consensual), unprotected p in v sex, master kink, slight sub!obi-wan, slight dom!reader, reader talks obi-wan through it basically, suggestions of inappropriate use of a lightsaber, virgin!obi-wan, religious guilt, hints of reader’s past feelings, reader kind of ignores some Jedi rules, kissing, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, a lot of talks of fluids I feel, slight angst I guess, let me know if I missed anything!

Word count: 4.9k

A/N: Happy May the Fourth! Happy Star Wars Day! Wrote an Obi-Wan fic last year so thought I’d keep up the tradition this year as well. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, certainly not the best smut, but I did end up rushing it a little to get it posted today so… sorry! This is for @lightwxlker who I told about this over lunch at uni <3 (feel free to read but please never look me in the eye again if you do). Can’t wait to see you later to see The Phantom Menace!!

Consider buying me a coffee :)

Absolution:

(Noun)

Formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.

Declaration that a person’s sins have been forgiven.

It felt like you'd been trekking through the dense forest for days. Really, it had only been a few hours. But with no end in sight, and Obi-Wan's continuous promise of almost there, you were convinced that the two of you had been lost for about a week.

The Jedi had told you that you were in search of a hidden community that had answers to some questions that the Council had about... something. You didn't know. You rarely paid attention when Obi-Wan explained these things. As much as you respected him, these briefings started to sound the same after a while. It was the thing he reprimanded you for most often.

"Can we-" You wheezed. "Can we stop for just a minute?"

"Soon." He called over his shoulder simply, pushing aside a leafy branch for the both of you to pass through.

You considered pushing him over, tripping him up maybe, and even just stabbing him with your lightsaber. Just to have a break for a moment. It was unclear how he managed to walk through dense forest for hours on end without even a hint of fatigue peeking through. You envied him for it.

Luckily, your prayers were answered when a clearing appeared. It was small, sheltered by the canopy of trees above you, but it was a good place to stop. You didn't even have to say the word, Obi-Wan already knew what you wanted.

"Fine, rest here for a moment." He sighed, pointing at a rock.

You collapsed quickly, thankful for the brief reprieve, and watched as the Jedi made a slow circle around the clearing. He was inspecting every little thing there was to see. If there was one thing you had in common with the man, it was your curiosity and thirst for knowledge.

"Rather fascinating." He mumbled to himself, ignoring the burning of your stare on his back as he moved, poking at a fungus of some kind with the tip of his finger.

"Be careful. It might be poisonous." You warned, stretching out your legs in front of you.

"I know my living organisms." He replied steadily, pulling up and moving on to the next one.

It was a flower. Rather large, with pinkish petals and an indigo centre extending on from a bright green stem. It looked vaguely familiar to you. You racked your brain, thinking about the botany books you'd spent your spare time reading when Obi-Wan had insisted that you should know more about the planets you were constantly visiting.

Nothing was coming to you. Maybe you hadn't seen it in one of those books. Your head tilted as you watched the Jedi stroke gently at the petals with the backs of his fingers, mumbling about how it felt soft, and something came back to you when the flower seemed to move of its own accord.

"Get back." You shot up from the rock you were previously sitting on and took a quick step towards him.

"It's fine." He insisted, not looking at you - too entranced by the flower as he continued to caress the petals. He didn't know this one. He found it intriguing.

You remembered where you'd seen the flower before. A book hidden deep in the archives, where you ventured when you knew no one was looking, part of a collection of things that the Jedi were not supposed to have interest in.

Your pace picked up as the flower curled in on itself, the fleeting look of disappoint clear on Obi-Wan's face, reaching for his shoulder to wrench him back.

"No! Obi-Wan, stop!"

But it was too late.

As you made contact with his robes to pull him away, the flower blossomed open. A bright cloud of purple pollen burst out and coated the two of you, settling itself over your skin and infiltrating your lungs, and therefore your blood stream, as you breathed it in.

You coughed, scrubbing at yourself to try and get it off. But you knew you were past that.

The Jedi turned to you, surprised to see the panic in your eyes. "It's just flower pollen, nothing a little water won't wash away."

Your voice was shaky as you spoke. "What have you done?"

He frowned and glanced back at the plant. It wasn't one he recognised, granted, but he also hadn't been warned of anything dangerous in this area. So he really wasn't concerned. "I don't understand. What's wrong?"

"It's a flos venerem." You whispered. "We need to find shelter."

As you turned around in a slow circle, trying to decide which way you were more likely to find somewhere to figure everything out, Obi-Wan watched you with a curious gaze.

"And what is a flos venerem?"

You scoffed over your shoulder at him. "Do you ever read?"

You knew it was an unfair question considering the place you'd read about the flower wasn't one he, or any other Jedi, frequented but you were angry and frightened. Angry at him for not listening to your warnings. And frightened for yourself since you knew what the flower was going to do to you.

He looked on as you closed your eyes, feeling out with the Force. "Now is not the time to insult me. Tell me."

You whirled on him. "It's an aphrodisiac. A powerful one. And if we don't find shelter soon then you're going to be doing some strange things to these trees."

Obi-Wan frowned, puzzled by what you were saying. "Is there a cure?"

You laughed humourlessly, turning away from him again. "Is there a cure? Is there a cure, he asks. Ha!"

"An antidote?"

"No, there's no antidote." You hissed.

The effects of the pollen were already weighing on you. You imagined Obi-Wan was also feeling something as well, just unaware of it. At least you knew what you were supposed to be feeling. The Jedi Knight had no idea.

Your mouth felt dry, like sand on your tongue, and your skin was hot to the touch. A dull headache was forming at the base of your skull too and you knew these sensations would only get worse if you didn't do what the flower wanted you to. There really was only one way to fix it. But you couldn't find it in yourself to tell your companion the solution. You were ignoring the heavy feeling in the base of your abdomen.

Sensing your apprehension wasn't overstated, Obi-Wan pointed back in the direction you'd come from. "There was a cave a little while ago. We can go there and you can tell me more about this... aphrodisiac flower."

You only nodded, lacking the strength to tell him that you wouldn't be able to listen to his voice out of fear of what bodily responses that would cause in you. Your existing attraction to Obi-Wan would only be increased by the influence of the plant. And you were scared what you'd do, or what you'd suggest, to ease the feelings.

You started marching in the direction the two of you had come from, jumping away from Obi-Wan as he fell into step beside you and his shoulder brushed yours.

"Keep- keep your distance for a while." You muttered, pushing away the lick of heat that had shot through you at his proximity.

He frowned back at you, feeling bad for making you so clearly uncomfortable. "My apologies."

"It's okay. I'm just-" You cut yourself off with a groan.

Obi-Wan's stomach lurched at the sound. "You're just what?"

"The flower is making it difficult to be next to you." You turned your head away from him, desperately trying to breathe in the clean forest air and nothing else. But all you could smell was him. The scent was so strong that you could practically taste him, his skin, and it was making your mouth water.

"You're already feeling the effects of the flower?" He hummed, pondering. "I feel nothing so far."

It wasn't true. But he was completely unaware of what he was feeling. He put the dry mouth and headache down to minor exhaustion, the hike through the forest finally catching up with him. And the stirring he was feeling... down below was foreign. The Jedi secretly believed that maybe he was immune to the flower's influence.

He was severely wrong.

You glanced back at him, instantly looking away when you caught his wide-eyed gaze. His eyes were so blue, so familiar.

You marched ahead of him, ignoring his quiet protests as you urgently sought out the cave. It came into sights quickly and your pace picked up, practically running towards it now. When you reached it, you discarded your top layer of robes, the heat your body was producing making it feel as if you were melting, and left your lightsaber by the entrance to the stone shelter. You feared what you may do with it when the flower's effects got even worse.

Obi-Wan followed closely behind you and watched with curious attention at your actions, slightly puzzled when you made your way towards the back of the cave and sat down facing the wall.

"Sit over there." You pointed over your shoulder to a spot far away from yourself. "I need to think."

"Trying to remember an antidote?" He asked, wondering what there possibly was to think about right now. And without his help as well.

"Sure." You sighed, closing your eyes as you took a deep breath. You weren't thinking about an antidote since you knew there wasn't one. You were considering your options. Even though you knew they were limited. Very limited.

He trusted your word however, which was mildly foolish of him, and took a seat where you'd instructed him to do so. He kept his gaze on you, fixated on the back of your head, as he observed your breathing pick up and then slow back down several times of the course of a few minutes.

What Obi-Wan failed to notice was how his breathing was in tune with yours, increasing when yours did and lowering when yours did.

It didn't escape him though when the flower's influence started to manipulate his body even more. The dry mouth, dull headache, rapid heartbeat, and hardened dick were becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. And Obi-Wan couldn't stay in denial for much longer.

So he called out your name.

Big mistake.

You jumped at the sound, having to bite your tongue to prevent noise slipping from your lips, and glanced at him over your shoulder."Yes?"

"I believe the flower is finally setting in." He decided that was the best way to put it and not that the sight of you was making him think things he hadn't even considered since he was a lot younger.

You looked at him silently for a second too long, eyes flicking downwards before moving back up to meet his again. "Meaning?"

His brows creased for a moment. "You know."

You did. So you turned back towards the wall and stared at it. "I'm thinking really hard about it, okay? I'll work something out."

Lies.

Time progressed slowly, moving at a sluggish pace that had you wanting to claw your way out of the cave in temporary insanity, and you could hear Obi-Wan's condition growing steadily worse by the minute.

You were finding it a lot easier than him to control yourself, probably due to your more extensive knowledge on the subject of simple carnal pleasure. But Obi-Wan was losing it.

You kept your eyes focused on the stone in front of you, desperately trying to ignore the sounds that Obi-Wan was making behind you. The breathless whimpers that were leaving his mouth were heavenly to your ears, creating a pulse that shook through your body regularly. Despite the sounds making you feel good, it was getting harder and harder to stop yourself from giving in and crawling over to him. Especially since you could hear him tearing off at least one layer of his clothing.

"Obi-Wan, please be quiet." You whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

To the Jedi your voice sounded husky, tempting almost. "I cannot help it. Please help me."

His voice was desperate, almost whiny, as he begged you for some sort of assistance. If only he knew what that assistance was.

You squeezed your eyes closed, resting your face in your hands. "I'm trying."

It was a lie. You knew that nothing could be done. The passage from the book you'd read about the flower had been very clear. Death was inevitable. Unless you engaged with someone... intimately.

It was the only method that would get your bodily reactions to calm down. If not, the next few days would be painful for the both of you. You'd be extremely aroused the whole time, heart racing at a million beats per minute, sweat would pour out of you and cause severe dehydration that would be impossible to remedy, and finally your body would give up from the sheer exhaustion of trying to handle it all. Then, you'd drop dead.

Just how exactly were you supposed to voice that to Obi-Wan, the man who'd boasted about his ability to follow the Order's rules for years, that the only way for the both of you to survive this was to sleep together? And how were you supposed to recover from possibly finally having the man you'd wanted for so long for just one night and then never again?

"I can sense that you're keeping something from me."

Your head snapped up at his statement. He was correct, sure, but you hadn't expected him to pick up on it in his state.

So you turned around to look at him, legs crossed in front of you and back against the wall to keep yourself as far from him as possible.

"There is one solution that I know of." You confessed, still thinking of a way to tell him.

"Just tell me. I know it's troubling you. It's okay." Obi-Wan's tone was soft and comforting.

You took a deep breath in. "You won't like it."

"Do we have a choice?"

You let the breath out again. "Death."

He released a tired and humourless chuckle. "I can assure you that I'll prefer whatever solution you have to death. So tell me."

You debated what words would spook the Jedi less. Were you clinical and informative? Or soft and subtle? The sweat dripping from his temple, begging to be licked away by the tip of your tongue, was telling you to be harsh and raw with him.

Your gaze fixed on his mouth. "We have to have sex, Obi-Wan. Multiple times probably." The last part was added on for emphasis, meant to draw a reaction out of him.

He gave it to you. His already flushed cheeks reddened some more, eyes darting away from yours momentarily. It's not that the antidote was unexpected, he figured that it would lead somewhere like this considering the two of you had been contaminated by an aphrodisiac, but he thought maybe that there would be another solution. Or that you'd at least beat around the bush a little more.

Obi-Wan didn't know how to tell you that he'd never done something like that before so wouldn't even know where to start.

Little did he know that you were already well aware of that fact.

"I'll guide you through it." You paused. "But once we get started I don't think you'll need much guidance. The effects of the pollen will probably lead you."

His eyes snapped back to you, a frown pinching between them. "And what do you know of it?"

"Obi-Wan..." You mumbled, tilting your head down slightly to give him a meaningful look.

He didn't look thrilled at the notion.

You scoffed, annoyance bubbling at his obvious judgement. "We all have a past."

He knew what you meant. Sure, everyone had a past. He just didn't realise you had that sort of past. Still, he realised he had no place to pass judgement against you.

Heat pulsed between your thighs at the sudden wide-eyed apologetic look he was giving you. A groan rumbled in your chest and you squeezed your eyes shut.

"I see that this is hard for you." He whispered and you attempted to hold back a laugh thinking that this probably wasn't the only thing that was hard. "So, how about you come over here and... show me what we have to do."

You looked back at him, surprised by the boldness he was showing. Yes, he wasn't a shy man by any means but you thought he'd have been a bit less confident in this situation. Or maybe the whole thing would just be so meaningless to him that he thought it'd be easy.

Obi-Wan could feel random muscles in his body clenching as you stared at him. He'd never felt like this before. He'd always known that you were beautiful, it was impossible to ignore, but he'd never thought much else of it. But now? He couldn't do anything else apart from think about it.

You slowly pushed yourself up from your seated position and fell onto your hands and knees, too tense to stand up, and made your way towards him steadily. He was surprised to find himself practically buzzing at the sight of you crawling towards him, a ravenous look on your face. You stopped about a foot in front of him, looking up into his eyes through your eyelashes.

A hand reached out for you.

You took it.

With his help, you settled yourself over Obi-Wan's lap, a leg either side of his thighs so you straddled him. You didn't let your weight rest on him just yet, wanting to check in quickly to make sure he was okay. It was taking everything in your power not to start touching him all over despite your overactive brain basically screaming at you to do so.

His eyes moved rapidly, taking you in as he searched across your body. A hand landed on either of your hips, encouraging you to move closer to him. So you did, chest pushing slightly against his and weight pressing into his lap as you sat down. The both of you let out a sigh at the contact, pain eased for just a few moments.

It was then that you noticed you'd sat on something extremely hard.

"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" You chuckled, about to reach down to remove the weapon from the inside of his robes.

But Obi-Wan's eyes flickered over your shoulder to somewhere behind you. Slowly, you turned to see what he was looking out, a small pinch between your eyebrows, and saw where you'd discarded your own lightsaber earlier. What you were surprised to find was his lightsaber resting up against a rock beside yours.

"Oh." You croaked and looked back at him, eyes shooting to his crotch for a brief moment. "You are just happy to see me."

"The flower." He grumbled lowly.

Your heart fell momentarily, your face along with it, before you recovered and looked downwards towards his chest. "Right, of course."

Realising he'd made a fatal mistake, Obi-Wan placed a finger under your chin and tilted your head up to make eye contact again. "A combined effect of the flower and... you."

Your mouth dropped open for a second, dazed by his statement, before a smile blossomed along your face. "There was one thing I forgot to mention."

"And what was that?" His eyes were fixed on your mouth now.

"The flower's effects are stronger and fast acting if you are already attracted to the person you're with at the time of exposure." You leaned towards him closer, the tips of your noses brushing against each other. "I expected to feel the influence at least an hour or two before you did, Master."

A soft sound, somewhere between a moan and a whine, escaped his lips at the use of the title. It surprised you, you hadn't thought he'd be into that kind of thing. You didn't give him a chance to give you a real response though, the noise he'd just made finally pushing you over the edge.

You cupped his face in your hands and kissed him, thumbs swiping over his cheeks to wipe the purple pollen away. He let out another sound at that, this one more shocked, but equally as unrestrained. Your mouth opened just in time to catch it and swallow it against your own moan at finally feeling his lips melding with yours.

Usually, in the past, you’d have some sense of patience in this situation. But it’s like the feeling of his skin under your palms and his lips against yours, your tongue in his mouth, sent the pollen vibrating in your bloodstream. And before you knew it, your hands were tearing at his clothes, absolutely desperate to get them off.

And while Obi-Wan was a little more hesitant than you, inexperience slowing him down, once he felt how eager you were he could only join in on the action. His hands were soft, almost silky, like they hadn’t ever seen a day of hard labour in his life, and they sent warm bursts of electricity through you as they slid against your skin.

All barriers between you were removed in less than a minute, although time seemed to be flying now that you’d actually gotten beyond just staring at each other and ignoring all feelings your body had been screaming at you to address.

“Do you know what comes next, Master?” You questioned, wondering how out of practice he really was.

Obi-Wan seemed to pause, taking a long thought, before saying anything. “I’ve never done this before.”

“I know.” You said and he seemed both embarrassed and surprised. “That’s not what I was asking. Do you know what happens?”

“I’ve heard things.” He admitted slowly.

Up until this point you’d been trying to avoid looking down at his naked body. Sure, the two of you had been pretty enthusiastic in taking the other’s clothes off but neither of you had verbally stated what you were comfortable with actually doing. That didn’t mean you couldn’t feel every inch of him pressing against you though. Somehow in the tumble of robe removal, you’d slid forward on his lap which had caused your torsos to connect. And you hadn’t bothered to move back again.

You searched his face for any sign of discomfort, finding none. “Can I touch you?”

He sputtered. “You already are.”

“No-“ You took a deep breath. “Can I touch you… down there?”

You were hesitant to say certain words to him, cringing at just the thought of them coming out of your mouth and entering his ears. You shouldn’t be shy about this, having done this countless times before. But now you were doing it with Obi-Wan, someone you admired with the deepest affection, it felt different. A good different but different nonetheless.

“Oh.” The flush he’d been sporting across his face stretched to meet the tip of his ears and you reached up to tuck some hair back away from them. “Yes, you can.”

You could see that the lust the flower caused had taken over all rational thought as his irises, usually so blue and bright, had been consumed by his pupils dilating. Was this a good idea, you silently wondered? Did he truly want this? Or was the flos venerem speaking for him?

Before you had the chance to ponder over that even more, the animal instincts in your brain took over and your hand was wrapping around his, pretty sizeable, cock.

He hissed at the sensation of your warm palm touching him and you observed his reaction with hungry curiosity. You liked the way his eyes fluttered closed and his teeth sunk into his bottom lip, the way his head snapped back against the cave wall and he didn’t even seem to notice that it should’ve hurt. He was too absorbed in the pleasurable way that you were touching him.

You were touching him.

Obi-Wan felt as if he were flying amongst the stars.

Your hand slid up and down his length, taking in every minor reaction he gave you to see what he liked. The answer was: he liked all of it. No matter the pace of your strokes, the pressure of your squeeze, or the angle of the twist, Obi-Wan revelled in it all.

Every sound he made caused what felt like a flood to pour from between your thighs, skin prickling with flames of desire. You increased the speed of the pumps against his shaft, feeling him twitch in your hand. Obi-Wan started babbling to himself, something you couldn’t quite understand but realised were certainly happy mumblings. It didn’t take much more until he was orgasming, cum spurting out of him in hot ropes and coating both of your stomachs.

You weren’t surprised to see that he remained hard. At least the botany books hadn’t lied to you about the multiple times thing.

“Need you inside me now, Obi-Wan.” You whispered, pleased when his eyes seemed to spark with something akin to excitement. Pushing yourself up slightly, you took him in your hand again and aligned him with your entrance. Notching him against you, you inched down onto him slowly, feeling your hips stutter willing you to go faster, and watched his face scrunch up in pleasure.

“Does that feel good?” You asked despite knowing the answer. You just wanted to hear him say something, even a noise of approval would work for you.

He nodded rapidly and whined. “Yes, yes.”

Pleasure rocketed up your spine, walls clenching around him and he whimpered again. His hips bucked up underneath you and your eyes rolled back in your head.

He did it again.

You came.

A shocked laugh escaped your throat as the orgasm rippled through. You hadn’t realised it would be that easy but given that you’d denied yourself any friction and stimulation for way too long considering the situation you were in, it only made sense.

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “Did you just-?”

“Yes.” You sighed and rocked your hips against his, thighs still trembling with the aftershock.

“Stars-“ He gasped, head falling forward to bury his face in your neck. You smiled at the feeling of his beard scratching against your skin and moved faster.

Time became a haze, multiple orgasms rolled into a blur, and before you know it you felt like you couldn’t move anymore. Your legs ached, your body dripped with sweat and your breathing was shaky and uneven.

But you were determined for one more.

Obi-Wan gasped about it being too much but couldn’t stop himself from continuing to thrust up underneath you. Which you were thankful for considering you could feel your thighs cramping up and barely managing to support your weight. His arms locked around you, trapping you against him, as he pounded into you urgently like he was chasing something. He was really. And you could understand.

“Come on, Master, just one more.” You murmured against his temple.

It took only those words of encouragement for Obi-Wan to spill inside you once again, the feeling of that setting you off as well. And finally the two of you relaxed, the pollen’s effects wearing away.

The two of you sat against each other breathless for a moment before you eased up off of him and settled beside him. He immediately collapsed against you, sliding down until his head met your lap. You placed a hand in his hair as his breathing slowed down to a normal pace.

Now that the high had passed, guilt was setting in.

“What have I done?” Obi-Wan croaked, burying his face against your thighs.

You froze, knowing you should be feeling this same shame but not finding it in yourself to care. At least not right now. “It’s okay.”

“No!” He almost wailed. “I broke- I broke rules. Sacred Jedi code.”

“You had no choice. It was either that or death.” Tears stung at the backs of your eyeballs, willing yourself not to crack and break down. He needed you to be strong. “There was no other way.”

He knew you were right, a small seed of relief buried deep in his chest. He didn’t have another choice. But then there was another matter…

You continued to try to make him feel better. "The council will forgive you, Obi-Wan. It couldn't have been helped."

The Jedi could only nod in reply. That wasn't what worried him anymore, your logical argument had been enough to reassure him of that. What did worry him is how much he wanted it to happen again.

He glanced up at you. "What about you? Can you forgive me?"

You paused, hand stilling against the side of his head. "There's nothing to be forgiven."

"Please." He whispered against your skin. "Please just-"

It hurt you to hear the break in his voice. A man, usually so confident, reduced to this. All because of something out of his control.

You took a deep breath, stared straight ahead at the cave wall opposite you, tears in your eyes and a hand combing through his hair. "I forgive you, Obi-Wan."

A/N: I listened to Star Wars ambience on YouTube as I wrote most of this. Hope you enjoyed!

[florenceafternoon]

━。゜✿ jily fic recommendations ✿ ゜。━

Really, we shouldn’t be surprised by now but I have more amazing jily AU fics to share because the writers of this fandom are incredibly talented and I have my screen report to prove it.

For reference, anything in italics is taken from the summaries on ao3.

serendipity by desperateforsanity (on ao3)

Modern college/uni AU. Dearest Students and Staff, I am pleased to announce Hogwarts University’s fourth annual Pen Pal Program. Upperclassmen and sophomores likely remember and cherish the memories of their previous penpals and are excited to make another friend this year.

TW: for the later chapters for discussions of grief and its effects on one's mental well-being. For the most part, though this is a fun fic full of great banter!

The Frenzied Misadventures of Balcony Man and Window Woman by @clare-with-no-i

prompt: "It's 3am why are you outside my window- are you trying to rob me?"

It feels necessary to preface this entire thing with the fact that, yes, James had good reason to be dangling precariously from a third-floor balcony, and anyone who says differently is simply attempting to smear his good name.

At least, that’s the story he’s sticking to.

Hijinks & Shenanigans

mellow is the man (who knows what he's been missing) also by @/ clare-with-no-i

Earl's Court. 24th May, 1975. Led Zeppelin live in concert like you've never seen them before.

FEATURING: prolonged eye contact, deeply metaphoric descriptions of cigarette smoke, painful levels of detail about makeup, and a special one-time performance by Two Teens In Love! OR: the "we made eye contact at a Led Zeppelin concert but my friends pulled me away to mosh before I could come say hello" AU

So when I say that I saw this unfold frame by frame in my head, I mean the writing is on another level. The way that I could almost smell Earl Court ... I regret waiting so long to read it. Also, found out this is written by the same author as one of my favourite jily fics foreigner’s god so that explains it “I'm not a religious person but I do sometimes think God made you for me.” ― Sally Rooney, Normal People

but he’s a little bit too far away by @firefeufuego

Historical AU. A decade after they met as cadets for The Times, the toll of James chasing stories in war zones is starting to hit home for Lily.

Taking A Shot At You by @annabtg

Modern AU. Lily Evans, pharmacist, has to work all day and night on New Year's Eve - and ends up ringing in the new year with a bloke who just got himself a dog bite.

The Right Track by BeeDaily (on ao3)

Co-workers modern AU. When James is first handed the train ticket, his immediate reaction is to laugh openly in his father's face.

the horoscope by lirians

Modern AU. James stops momentarily to give way to a bunch of rambunctious teenagers on the pavement before he regains his step. Lily has come to a halt a bit further, waiting on him.

“Horoscopes?” he asks as they move onwards. He’s relieved that any awkwardness between them is apparently gone. “How so?”

“Marly sent me mine this week because it said I would meet someone from the past again,” she explains. “I’m still not sold on the idea of it, but isn’t this weird?”

I was inspired to read this by this art

The Falcon and The Squid by @jfleamont

There's a Lego Millennium Falcon that needs to be built. There's also a bet, a ring and a bike.

Put it all together and what do you get?

Leda's jily will always be a favourite of mine. They're idiots in love your honour

Glastonbury by elanev91 (on ao3)

Prompt: we're at a music festival and you crawled into my tent when drunk and fell asleep, now you've woken up bewildered and to be honest I should be more annoyed but you're just so good looking

One Day at Time by @sweeethinny

Single-mum-lily AU. One day at a time is the mantra Lily uses to keep peace inside her mind, but there are days when it's simply impossible and in the end all she needs is a glass of wine, a cozy hug with her boyfriend, and a serious talk with her son.

Note that you can read this as a stand-alone one shot but it's part of a series that takes place in this AU

For All My Life by aheartcalledhome & SecondJadeofLan (on ao3)

When saving the bees ends in a happy family.

pumpkins and blueberries by evotter (on ao3)

Modern soulmate AU. In which Lily Evans hates puzzles, Marlene McKinnon is a coffee-making goddess, and the stuffy manager with the unkempt hair just so happens to be Lily's soulmate. In the wise words of Mary Macdonald, nothing is scarier than a relationship. Especially if it's with your soulmate.

After Moon by lovesickjily (on ao3)

When the universe sent Lily back in time for some inexplicable reason, she didn’t realise that she’d fall for the charming, messy-haired Prince along the way, nor did she realise that she’d see him once again.

here's to never growing up by elixirsoflife (on ao3)

Chat fic where a group chat documents the lives of four highly dramatic teenage boys as they navigate their A Levels.

Or, like, die trying.

Okay, I rarely ever read chat fics, they're just not my thing. BUT this one had me wheezing on my way to school. It's crack. Just treat it like crack

Ice Baby also by elixirsoflife

Modern college/uni AU. In his defence, James never expected to meet his soulmate at thirteen minutes past eleven on a Sunday morning when he’s aiming a puck at Sirius’ balls.

Or: call me sweetheart again and I'll punch you in the throat.

Not a Clue by PotterandEvans (on ao3)

Modern college/uni Quarantine AU. Lily stood in the doorway of the flat, looking at the boy in front of her. She had spent most of the last two years keeping her distance from the annoying piece of work, staying away from his ego mostly. “Come in.” She said, stepping away from the doorway to let him into the flat that she usually shared with Remus.

"Ah, so kind." James muttered as he walked inside, his heavy bag weighing him down. This really was not the ideal situation, for either of them. But he had nowhere else to go, so staying with Lily Evans it was going to have to be.

they were zoommates (requires an ao3 account) by elanev91 (on ao3)

Modern college/uni Quarantine AU. Lily's on lockdown and, because she can't help herself, signs herself up for a whole bunch of extra (and free) work with her ad agency. Minerva, her boss, assigns a cheeky social media manager to her team to help her. Also, Marlene discovers TikTok (this is nowhere near as important to the narrative as its inclusion here suggests).

And You Heard About Me (Ooh, We’ve Got Some Big Enemies!) by @wearingaberetinparis

Fame AU. Lily Evans is a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter and global superstar, who recently broke up from her latest and long-term actor boyfriend Amos Diggory. James Potter is a professional football player who plays as a forward for Manchester United and has never been quiet about his celebrity crush: Lily Evans. When Lily Evans thus plays at Wembley Stadium - a place he is more than familiar with due to his being part of the England team - he just has to go and see her perform, embracing his inner, besotted fan boy, while the woman on stage is completely oblivious to his presence. Or is she?

The most unrealistic part was man u winning (but it's James so that explains it). Regardless, I started this fic while waiting for my final grades from last year to come through, and while they were disappointing, this sure wasn't. I was crying so hard that I fell asleep. Then I woke up and continued the fic and suddenly I was giggling along with Lilly. Anything and everything Mary writes is a masterpiece. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story.

it continues (the beginning doesn't matter) by whitesunlars (on ao3)

She is the last person he expected at his door at that exact moment, despite feeling unsure about the fact that she managed to track down his address, he agrees to go out to coffee with her. A lot could be said about James Potter, but nobody could claim that he had good self-preservation skills.

They meet in a bar. Mistakes happen. They learn to keep going.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

[00:08] (M) ~Han Jisung

Pairing: BestFriend!Jisung x Reader Themes: Suggestive | Fluff | Best Friends to Lovers Warnings: heavy making out, groping, mentions of drinking/alcohol Word Count: ~1k | AO3 Summary: When you agreed to come to this party, you would’ve never imagined you’d end up making out with your best friend, but you were certainly not going to complain. Not when you’d wanted this for the longest time.

Author’s Note: another silly little warm up, keeping the b2l theme :^). Jisung’s blond hair and pretty face are too much for me to handle. i had to cope somehow.

Due to all the abovementioned warnings, this story is intended for an adult audience only. Minors please do not interact.

Disclaimer: the story represented in this work does not represent Stray Kids in any way; anything described in this story and all actions performed by the characters are purely fictional, this was created just for good fun.

The wall behind your back was vibrating slightly with the loud music that was playing inside the house, but it was hard to register when you also had a very firm, warm human body pressed against you.

Your friends decided to throw a last minute party to celebrate the end of your fourth year at university, and at first you had declined the invitation because you weren’t really a party person. You’d go, usually, just to spend some time with your friends, maybe drink a little, but most of the time the noise was too much, the amount of people overwhelmed you, and the smell of smoke made you nauseous.

However, your best friend, Jisung, convinced you to go anyway using nothing but an adorable pout and a ‘pretty please come with me. I’ll get bored without you’, and you ended up agreeing after making him promise that he’d give you a lift at any given moment if you wanted to leave.

When you agreed, you never expected to end up here, pressed up against the concrete wall, hidden behind the small shed in the backyard, with your best friend’s tongue inside your mouth. You honestly weren’t even sure how it happened, maybe it was the time of day, or the couple of beers you’d had, lowering your inhibitions enough to feel the tension that had built between your friend and you while you talked about everything and nothing in this relatively private space.

Jisung kissed you like a starved man, and honestly you weren’t exactly holding back either. His hands held your waist tightly, keeping you firmly in place, while you tugged on his hair, relishing every groan and sigh and grunt that came out of his lips, mingling with the sounds of your wet kiss. Every single one of his movements had you feeling tingly, had tiny sparks of excitement coursing up and down your spine, fueling the fire burning in the pit of your stomach.

You met Jisung in your first year at uni, and your friendship somehow managed to withstand the test of time. He was one of the people you trusted most in this world, he was always kind, funny, attentive, and even if he was a bit stubborn as well, you ended up developing the biggest crush you’d ever had in your life. It also didn’t help that he was hot as fuck, especially these days with his recently died blonde hair, his incredibly strong arms and chest, and his adorable round cheeks.

At first you tried to ignore your crush, to carry on with your life as normal, tried to go on dates, but no one really stuck around, so a year ago you stopped looking for someone else altogether, resigning yourself to simply crushing on your best friend, and doing nothing about it because you were too much of a coward.

Jisung had been single for a couple of years, and he also seemed to stop going on dates around the same time you did. At the time you couldn’t quite understand why he wasn’t out there, you knew there’d be lines and lines of people ready to date him as soon as he sent a quick text. Now, as his hand slid from your waist to grope your ass and his teeth sunk on your bottom lip, you finally understood why.

“Jisung–” You tried to speak, but it was hard to when you just wanted to keep your lips on his, to feel his tongue play with your own, to feel his chest against yours.

“Mm?” Jisung seemed to be in the same predicament, and he finally let go of your ass to cup your cheeks instead, lightly stroking your skin with his thumbs as he kept pressing pecks on your lips.

“Wanna… Wanna go home”.

Jisung pulled back from you with slightly wide eyes. His cheeks were flushed, his lips were kiss-bitten, his gaze flickered from one of your eyes to the other, and you had to resist the urge to go back to devouring his mouth again. Taking a step back, he let go of your face. “Oh…”

That crestfallen look in his eyes let you know he had completely misunderstood your words, so you took a hold of his hoodie stepping into his space. “Why are you looking at me like that? I wanna go home… With you”.

“Oh?” Jisung looked genuinely surprised, and you would’ve laughed at the absurdity of it all had you not been burning up from the inside out. “You do?”

“Are you doubting it? We just spent an eternity making out against this wall, Han Jisung”, you chuckled, looping your arms around his neck to pull him close, and his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you even closer with a sheepish smile on his face.

“I mean… I’d convinced myself this would never happen so I’m… You know…”

You blinked, confused. “Why wouldn’t it happen?”

Jisung chuckled, pressing his hands flat on the small of your back. “Have you seen yourself? You could have anyone you wanted. Up until thirty minutes ago I thought you saw me as a friend. Thought my feelings were one-sided”.

“Have you seen yourself?” You brought one of your hands to his face, squeezing his cheeks, making him pout. “It’s honestly unfair how hot you are”.

Jisung’s flush seemed to deepen, and you couldn’t help but smile as he stumbled over his words. “That’s not–I mean–But you–”

“Jisung”, you squished his cheeks a bit harder, stopping his ramble on the spot. “We can fight over who’s hotter later. If you don’t take me home and fuck me, I will fuck you against this wall right now”.

Jisung went quiet for a moment, until he finally detached himself from you, taking your hand in his and tugging you along the backyard, and back into the house. Everyone was already wasted inside, but the party was still pretty much alive, the music was incredibly loud, people were dancing, talking–more like screaming–and playing games.

You and Jisung ignored all of it, making your way towards the front door, to finally step outside and walk all the way to Jisung’s car. It was taking so long, too long for your liking. You wanted to have his lips on you again, so you tugged on his hand to get him to stop moving, crashing into him, kissing him deeply, hungrily, and the desperate sounds that came out of his mouth as he held the back of your head and reciprocated your kiss certainly made it all worth it.

“Just for the record…” Jisung mumbled against your lips between kisses, hugging your waist tightly and walking backwards towards his car with you in his arms. “I would’ve one hundred percent let you fuck me against that wall, but your bed sounds way more appealing”.

You simply chuckled, sucking on his bottom lip, making him giggle. “I’ll keep that in mind, then”.

You both stopped walking as soon as you found yourselves by Jisung’s car. With your hands on his chest you pushed him against the door, sneaking your tongue inside his mouth to glide against his. Gripping your ass, Jisung held you against him, pulling you impossibly closer to him as one of his legs slotted between yours, his thigh adding much needed friction against your core, making you whine.

Jisung’s lips were so soft, so swollen from all the biting and nibbling you’d been doing, better than you could’ve ever imagined they’d feel like against your own, better than you could’ve ever imagined they’d taste like. You could feel him hard against your stomach, undeniable proof that you weren’t just making this all up in your head, he really wanted you just as much as you wanted him, and the feeling had your head spinning a bit.

“C’mon”, with one more squeeze to your buttcheek, and a final, loud kiss on your lips, Jisung got you off of him, digging into his pocket for his car keys to unlock the doors, chuckling once he saw the pout on your face. “Let’s go before I bust a nut right here, right now”.

“How romantic”, you couldn’t help but laugh, rounding the car and opening the passenger door to finally climb inside.

As soon as the car was on and your safety belts were secured in place, Jisung started to drive, taking the road that you knew would lead to your home the fastest. It was silent for a while. It wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, but there was certainly something lingering in the space. You could almost feel your own neediness radiate off of you, just like you could feel Jisung’s, and it had you vibrating with excitement right where you sat.

Suddenly, you felt warmth envelop your hand, and when your gaze shifted from the road to your lap, you saw Jisung’s fingers link with yours, holding your hand, softly caressing your knuckles with his thumb. 

“So… What would you like for breakfast tomorrow? Waffles? Pancakes?” Jisung’s eyes never left the road. There was a tiny smile on his lips, coupled with the faintest blush on his cheeks, the sight had your heart fluttering in your chest.

“Waffles. With maple syrup and butter”, you replied simply, holding his hand tighter.

“With maple syrup and butter”, Jisung repeated, glancing at you for a second before returning his eyes to the road.

It didn’t matter, really. You would’ve had anything for breakfast, as long as you had Jisung with you there the next morning. Maybe even the one after that, too… And the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that…

Tagging: @raspbinniecreme @oiminho @dundullresident @honey-lemon-goose @lavenderxkies @biribarabiribbaem @meowmeowhoon @dearalice @alexis-reads-fics @xcookiemonsteer @knowleeknow @chanlovesme @liminaldaydream @sstarryreads @svngiem @notastraykid If you want to be removed from the list (or if i tagged you incorrectly) just PM me. If you want to be added fill in this form~

© therhythmafterthesummer 2023. all rights reserved. do not repost or translate my stories.

Constructive feedback (or even keysmashes, really) is always welcome :) feel free to leave your comments in the caption/tags when you reblog, or by sending me an ask !

[starrgaziinggg]

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS | LEE MINHO

PART NINE -> epilogue (6k words)

navigation

"JEONGIN!"

There's moments in life when you're genuinely terrified. Like when you used to get called on from your scariest teacher with no clue what the answer to the question was. Or when you wake up in the middle of the night after hearing a loud noise and can't move a muscle for hours afterwards.

Now is one of those instances. You feel yourself practically jump out your skin when you hear Seungmin screech the younger boys name, taking your sunglasses off of your face instantly to catch a glimpse of the commotion.

How naive of you to expect a relaxing, stress relieving getaway with your friends. How naive indeed.

"You've crossed the line this time, kiddo," Seungmin seethes, traipsing round the decking in search of his target. "Where the hell is he?"

"Fuck me if I know," you say lazily, placing your sunglasses back on your face and settling yourself into your sun lounger again. You and Hyunjin had an ongoing competition to see who could get the best tan over the course of your week long holiday, and you'd be damned to waste precious sunbathing time whilst he was at the shops to get breakfast for everyone.

"Gross, don't say that," Seungmin grimaces, chucking you a bottle. "You're burning up, idiot."

You scoff, pulling your sunglasses off for the second time of the morning and dumping them beside you. "Am I really?"

"Yes," Seungmin responds, placing his hands on the railing that oversees the beach you were staying at, looking out to catch a glimpse of Jeongin before giving up and practically falling on top of the lounger beside you. "Unless the aim of the competition you've got with Hyunjin is to see who can look the most like a lobster by the end of the week, I'd lather up."

You sigh, picking up the bottle he'd handed you and rubbing the sunscreen into your arms and chest. "Why are you so mad at Jeongin, anyway?" You ask him, intrigued as to what had interrupted your morning detox. "And why did you think he'd be here?"

"He's a dumbass," Seungmin says, kicking his feet up on the sun lounger as if that explains anything. "And I thought he might be here since you're the only other person still at the resort."

"Everyone's gone?" You ask, closing the lid to the bottle and chucking it into the shade.

"Felix, Chan and Changbin went down to the sea front whilst Minho, Hyunjin and Jisung were at the shops. Jeongin must have gone with them," Seungmin explains, shaking his head. "I'm seriously going to kill him when I find him again."

"I swear if you don't explain what he's done, I'm taking your name off of the lease," you say, throwing him a side glance as you settle back into a comfortable position.

"You can't do that," he mocks, as if you would ever actually take his name off of the lease to your new apartment. You'd just signed it two weeks ago, with Hyunjin and Felix too. It had been stressful trying to find accommodation for your final year of uni, as you weren't entitled to on campus accommodation in fourth year. When Seungmin brought the idea of sharing an apartment close to campus with Hyunjin and Felix to you, it had been an obvious yes.

Sure, living with three boys was probably going to be a nightmare, but you'd just lived with Seungmin for a year and he'd practically kept you afloat, so no matter how messy Felix was or how late Hyunjin stayed up, you figured you could handle it.

"He left my flip flops outside in the scorching sun yesterday," he finally says, offering you an explanation. "I specifically told him not to, because I'd seen online that the brand can partially melt in extreme heat - and who would have guessed? I now have a pile of goo on the ground."

You can't stifle your laugh, giggling openly. It was just such a classic Jeongin move you'd come to realise. He was nothing short of a little shit when he wanted to be. "They can't be a very good brand if they melt in the sun."

Seungmin scoffs. "They weren't made for over 40°c heat. Plus, I may or may not have bought them from a dodgy website," he complains, though you know he's over exaggerating. You could put money on the fact his flip flops were only slightly damaged. "He knows exactly what he's done as well. He'd written an, 'I'm sorry, Seungmin' note right on top of the goo pile for me to wake up to this morning."

You laugh openly this time, shaking your head at your friends actions. "Unsurprising."

Seungmin hums. "Yeah, I'll get my revenge at some point," he assures you, turning to give you an evil grin. "He's gonna hate choosing me as a roommate for this trip, I swear."

The resort you were staying in abroad, found by Chan (of course, as the self proclaimed 'dad' of your friend group), had large apartment like rooms that joined together and allowed you a private stretch of gorgeous white sand beach. Each room had a balcony area overlooking the beach, which you were currently taking full advantage of.

"I thought you chose Jeongin as a roommate?" You ask, turning on your side to properly face your friend.

"Jeongin is the least gross out of everyone," Seungmin answers with a grimace. "Other than you, of course. But you're rooming with your lovey dovey -"

He doesn't get to finish his taunt, as the front door to your room flies open. "Honey, I'm home!" Minho shouts, walking through the slide doors onto the balcony. His flip flops patter against the decking before he flops down onto the edge of your sun lounger.

"You're not trying to steal my girlfriend, are you Seungmo?" Minho questions, tilting his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose.

"It wasn't funny the first time you said it, and it's still not funny now," Seungmin responds, making Minho chuckle. Since Minho had popped the big question a couple months ago, he hadn't shut up about you being his girlfriend. His friends, that had now easily become your best friends, were constantly telling him to shut up, especially Seungmin since he spent the most time with you.

"Boo hoo," Minho says lazily, moving himself on your lounger so he was nestled comfortably in between your legs.

"What did you get from the store?" You ask him as he lays his head on your chest.

"Some meat and stuff so we can have a barbecue tonight," he responds. "Snacks, alcohol - some tampons for you."

"TMI," Seungmin winces, though you knew he was only doing it for show in front of Minho. You'd spent a year living with him and he couldn't care less about your period.

"A woman's menstrual cycle is natural," Minho mocks, laughing when Seungmin puts his fingers in his ears.

"Shut up, Jesus," you groan. It was bad enough you'd had to go on holiday while you were at the end of your period, especially in a group of guys, but your boyfriend felt the need to show how 'cool' he was about it in front of your friends, which made him decidedly uncool.

"Anyway," Seungmin says, attempting to stray the conversation away from your menstrual cycle. "What's Hyunjin and Ji up to now?"

"Said they were dumping their shit in their room and meeting the other guys at the beach for the day," Minho explains, stretching his limbs as he looks up at you. "Thought we could join them?"

You him, nodding. "Yeah, sounds good. Seungmin?"

"I'll need to borrow a pair of your flip flops, Minho," he says, and you take that statement as a form of agreement. "Jeongin has decimated mine."

Minho chuckles, pulling himself up from off your chest to sit at the edge of your lounger again. "Fine by me. There's a spare pair sitting on top of my suitcase."

Seungmin grins, getting up to put on Minho's flip flops. "I'm gonna go get changed into swim shorts, I'll get you guys down there?"

"Aye aye, captain," Minho responds, shouting through as Seungmin walks out your room, leaving you and Minho alone on the balcony.

He bends down towards you, leaving a chaste kiss on your lips. "Hi."

You giggle at him, using your hand to shield your eyes from the sun as you look at him, pulling your knees up to your chest. "Hi. Thanks for the tampons, by the way. I forgot to ask for them."

"Yeah, I figured you'd forgotten," he replies lazily, tapping your knees with his fingers. "Not a problem for the best boyfriend ever."

You chuckle at him, shaking your head. Minho had voiced his concerns about not being able to be enough for you, as he'd never been in a proper relationship before, but you'd assured him you'd be able to work at it together. And here you were, happier than you'd been in a long time.

"You look pretty," Minho states outwardly, and you smile knowing he means it. You'd come to realise he didn't give out compliments easily, so when he did it made your heart melt. "Last I saw you, you were a zombie in bed."

"Yeah, well, we were up late last night," you say, which makes Minho snicker. You whack him on the arm. "Don't be crude."

"Says you!" He laughs, grabbing your hand to stop you from whacking him again. You take a second to eye him up - shirtless, in just a pair of swim shorts and flip flops, you thought about how lucky you were that your boyfriend was perhaps the hottest man on the planet.

"Stop eye fucking me," he says slyly, narrowing his eyes at you.

"I'm not eye fucking you," you counter, crossing your arms. That turns out to be a mistake, when Minho's eyes go straight to your boobs.

"You know," he starts lowly, moving closer to you to push a strand of hair behind your ear. "We haven't countered period sex yet, but if you -"

You don't even need to whack him for that one, because he gets hit in the face with a blow up beach ball. Cackling, you catch a glimpse of the perpetrator.

"Get a room!" Hyunjin shouts, laughing maniacally as his bleach blonde hair flies out around him, and you just know Minho's going to kill him for that.

"We have a room!" Minho shouts back, throwing the beach ball back to Hyunjin which he catches, walking up to your balcony from the beach, shirtless and dripping wet. You assume he's already been in the sea.

"Maybe use it?" He says cheekily, and you roll your eyes. "We're gonna play volleyball, get your asses out here."

"I refuse," you say, throwing your hands up with wide eyes. "Not after last time."

Hyunjin giggles, remembering your game on the first day you'd arrived, and how your bikini top had come undone whilst you tried to save the ball. That was not one of your finest moments.

"You can be umpire," he says, tilting his head. You look towards Minho who shrugs, so you turn back to Hyunjin and nod.

"Fine," you say in defeat, standing up off your sun lounger and grabbing your phone and the keys to your room, so you can lock the front and sliding doors and jump the barrier of your balcony onto the beach.

The boys are all round the corner from your balcony, their towels laid out on the sand with some beach umbrellas propped up. Jeongin and Felix are chasing each other up and down the coastline with water guns, whilst Jisung and Seungmin are sprawled lazily out on their towels, taking refuge under the umbrellas from the blazing sunshine. Chan and Changbin are setting up the volleyball net.

As you, Hyunjin and Minho walk towards them, Felix and Jeongin abandon their fight, dropping the water guns by the boys feet.

"Didn't think you'd want to play after last time," Felix says breathlessly, giving you a cheeky grin when you hit him with your beach towel.

"We collectively agreed to never speak about it again," you seethed, listening to the other boys snickers. You choose to ignore Minho's smirk. "Besides, I'm reffing, and your teams already in the minus points."

"Why?" Felix groans, pouting at you.

"Attitude and bad behaviour. Ref rules," you throw back, placing your beach towel down and making yourself comfortable. Minho bends down to give you a peck, ignoring the guys cries of PDA and Jeongin covering his eyes before he calls team captain and the boys split up into two groups. Minho calls the second team captain and gets first pick, choosing Chan instantly.

They were unsurprisingly competitive, as you'd come to find out. If their beer pong tournaments were anything to go by, their volleyball games were even worse. You'd had to settle a multitude of arguments by half time alone - Jisung claiming Changbin was using foul play and Seungmin purposefully making the other team laugh to lose their attention.

Minho's team won in the end, which you could have seen coming from a mile away, since Chan practically carried any team he was on in terms of sports games. By sunset, half the guys had left to shower and the other half were setting up the barbecue, leaving you and Minho alone by the beachfront.

You watch the tide slowly make its way in and out again, the sound calming as Minho lay reading beside you. He's motionless, save from the periodic turn of the page of his book and his thumb swiping over your thigh when he found a comfortable position to hold his book with one hand.

The sun was slowly starting to set, the orange and pink hues of the sky mixing together like paint on a palette. When Minho turns the page to his book again, you pull your sunglasses off of the bridge of your nose to study him.

"What you reading?" You ask him, and he seems to finish the last sentence before looking over to you.

"A book," he says slyly, keeping his thumb in the middle of it but closing it over to look at you. He probs himself up on one arm.

"Oh yeah? Though it was an oven mitt," you reply sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

Minho raises an eyebrow at you. "Oven mitt?"

"First thing I thought of," you shrug, lowering yourself so that your lying flat on your back, closer to him. He looks down at you with a half smile. "But really, what book is it?"

Your boyfriend rolls his eyes as one hand pushes his dusty brown hair out his face, turning the cover of his book around to show you.

"How to deal with rude people with a smile," you read the title aloud as your eyes scan the front cover. "Is this a step by step guide?"

Minho chuckles, shaking his head as he pretends to snatch the book away from you. "No - if you must know, it's one of my favourites, and I'm rereading it and annotating it so I can give it to you."

You blink a couple times at his words, not really comprehending what he was saying. "You're going to gift it to me after you've annotated it?"

"Yeah," he replies, and you watch his ears tinge red - his tell. "After everything that happened with your ex and Sooyun, I just...I dunno. I read this when I needed to, and I thought you could benefit from it as well."

Minho will never let you live it down if you cry in front of him about this, claiming his superiority from his heartfelt gift, so you force a brave face. A smile comes naturally to you at the kind gesture.

"I love you so much, did you know," you say easily, shaking your head almost in disbelief. Minho had opened up to you more than you'd ever thought he would after making your relationship official. He told you about his family; his parents who he loved but did not spend a lot of time with due to them frowning upon his decision to drop his medical degree to pursue dance, how his cats meant everything to him and more...

This just felt as though he was sharing another little part of himself with you.

"What about you, then?" He says, unable to take the compliment without getting somewhat flustered as per usual. "You were reading something earlier in the week."

You hum, turning and digging the book out of your beach bag. You gently throw it onto his lap, watching as he inspects it like you had done his before handing it back to you.

"A poem book?" He says curiously. "'A mouthful of forevers'. Any good?"

"I love it. I've never been a big poem fan but this book...I dunno, her poems really speak to me."

"Okay you freak, read me one," he says blatantly, lying down flat on his back like you and crossing his arms, staring into the sky. He turns to you when you don't reply to him. "Please?"

You choose to ignore his shit eating grin when you open to one of the pages in the book you had dog eared.

"Love Poems, by Clementine Von Radics," you start with a huff, already feeling your tummy flutter under your boyfriends smirk and watchful eye. "I want to kiss you. Like big, fat kisses. Or angels. Or stars. Or something. I don't know. Love poems never make sense to me."

You pause for a second to catch your breath and sneak a peak at Minho as you do, and he's carefully watching you - a serious expression on his features as he nods at you for you to continue.

"Poets say things like Your teeth are flowers or Your eyes are miracles. But you aren't miracles. Or flowers. You are some sweet boy with a good smile and a shaky heart. Come kiss me. I'm in love with the miracle of your body—beside my body."

Minho stays quiet for a second, contemplating your words, and you can't help but feel sheepish.

"I like it because it reminds me of you," you say, although Minho's one of the smartest people you've ever met and you'd be damned if he hadn't already guessed that. "It's like - humans are never supposed to be these amazing, wondrous, beings. But you're you, and even though you will never be this unrealistic perfected poet concoction of a man, you have already shown me what perfect feels like. Because, I guess to me, perfect is good and bad things coexisting in this one little life with you."

There's not another second to babble on, because Minho's easily caught your lips with his own after moving swiftly so that he hovers over the top of you. He keeps himself propped up on an arm beside your head as he depends the kiss slightly before pulling away.

His hair tickles your forehead as he breathes, shaking his head at you. "You know I love you too, right?" He says lowly, dark eyes shifting between your own. "I don't say it that often, but I am so absolutely in love with you and sometimes I just have to sit with my thoughts because I have never known what I have done to deserve you."

His deep words make your heart fill and your grin crack. You figure you must be looking at him maniacally, but you don't care - not when you lowers his head to kiss you again, the feeling one that you will never take for granted. After these months you still feel the same butterflies you felt after that very first time.

"You're sooo in love with me," you can't help but to tease when he pulls away again, watching when he shakes his head with a chuckle. "You're practically on your knees for me."

"I could be later, if you quit acting like a brat in the middle of our nice moments," he says, tilting his head and placing a quick kiss to the tip of your nose. "Now, come on, cause -"

The distraction of Hyunjin and Jeongin making sex noises and kissy faces is one that you surprisingly enjoy, since it firstly means that Minho doesn't notice the way your cheeks are the same colour as your sunburn and secondly, that dinner must be ready. You successfully rope Jeongin into helping you pack up the beach stuff when Minho ends up in the midst of a physical fight with Hyunjin, the two men hollering and rolling around on the sand like children.

Whatever the issue was, you could assume Hyunjin deserved it. The two of them had been ridiculously close recently, after having talked out all their issues back when they weren't on the best of terms. You didn't know if it was just because you and Hyunjin were so close or because they'd finally had a deep discussion together, but they'd been practically inseparable the whole holiday.

Not that you are complaining - you'd take them clinging to each other over the two of them avoiding each other like the plague any day of the week.

"You and Minho hyung are cute," Jeongin goads as he folds Minho's towel, showing you his dimples and widening his eyes. "Kind of gross, but mostly cute."

You take the towel from him and shove it into your back, grabbing your water bottle and waiting for Jeongin to pick up Minho's water bottle before the two of you head towards your bedroom's balcony. "You think?"

He hums, nodding. "Everyone's been saying it all holiday. Especially Hyunjin, which is so weird. To think a couple months ago he was like your relationship's number one enemy is laughable."

You can't help but roll your eyes with a smile at the memory. "He was such a pain in the ass back then, huh?"

"Right?" Jeongin agrees, giving you a hand to help you climb over your balcony decking's railings when you reach it. "I don't know who was a bigger clock block, him or Felix."

He laughs with you when you can't help but to crack up, remembering that one time Minho was helping you dance in the practice rooms and Felix came in at the worst possible time, or when you and Minho were finally opening up to each other and Hyunjin just had to spread a rumour that wasn't true.

"Is it weird that I wouldn't change any of it?" You ask the younger boy, thanking him when he hands you the water bottle.

"Nah," he agrees, his freshly dyed bleach blonde hair (that he'd tried and failed to convince everyone he wasn't copying Hyunjin) forming waves from the sea water he hadn't washed out yet. "It's one hell of a story."

The distant calls for you both to hurry up remind you that you've got food waiting, so you lock your bedroom door and head out back again. By the time you round the corner, you spot the boys in a large circle - your boyfriend in charge of grilling the meat, whilst Felix is preparing what looks like bibimbap. Changbin's also putting together burger buns and salad as Jisung hands out the drinks Seungmin's pouring. Chan seems to be in charge of the whole orchestration, making sure everyone gets a bit of all the foods on their plate.

"You are a grand help," you say snidely to Hyunjin, the only one of them not helping, as he sprawls lazily on a deck chair by the unlit fire pit.

"I was sworn off preparations," he responds, not bothering to look at you. "I'm the visual."

Jeongin shares a look with you as you scoff, getting stuck in to helping when Chan starts handing you plates of food to place on people's seats. "You need a reality check."

"Chan?" He calls lazily.

"He's the visual," Chan shrugs as he hands you another plate, the other guys snickering. "Plus, Minho beat him up earlier."

"What was that even about?" You ask, wanting to be kept in the loop. Your boyfriend catches your eye, rolling his own in response. It's almost a shame to see he's put a t-shirt on, but the way he's rolled the sleeves up over his biceps and his cheeks flushed pink from the heat of the barbecue make you think otherwise.

Since Minho isn't giving you an answer, you turn to Hyunjin, who only gives you a smirk. He pulls his arms up by his head, resting against them. "I only told him that public sex on the beach is actually a crime, and nobody wants to see his massive -"

He doesn't get another word out, after getting hit in the face from a flying beef burger. Jeongin cracks up beside you, and you can't stifle your laugh either, especially when Chan starts shouting.

"We only have so much of them to go around!" He frets, counting out the food items with his fingers. "Stop acting like a child, Minho. Your girlfriends right there."

Minho waves at you with a grin, and you shake your head at him. Seungmin and Jisung finish pouring the drinks, making the rounds and placing them in the cup holders of each chair.

"She's just as bad as him," Seungmin scoffs, picking up a plate full of food and taking a seat beside you. "You know she made me pick out paint samples with her last week? Guess what colour she's painting her bedroom."

Your boyfriend raises you an eyebrow as he finishes passing out the rest of the meat and turns off the barbecue. It must have slipped your mind to inform him of your plans for your bedroom in the new apartment; you were still renting, but the landlord was extremely lenient and allowed you to paint wherever you wanted as long as the apartment looked how did did before you arrived when you eventually leave.

"She wants the ceiling to be pink," Seungmin groans, sending a wave of laughter through your friends. Sometimes being the only girl who regularly hung out with them sucked, and you made a mental note to at least attempt to find another female friend - preferably one who wouldn't steal your boyfriend.

"The ceiling? How are you even gonna reach that, shorty," Changbin laughs, ruffling your hair with his free hand before plonking himself in a seat next to Hyunjin, the rest of the chairs filling up pretty quickly. Minho takes the spare seat beside you, of course.

"I have a vision," you mumble inwardly, ignoring Minho's pout about how cute you were.

You had to admit, Minho's food was delicious - as was Felix's bibimbap, which wasn't to be unexpected. One of your favourite thing's about Minho was his dedication to making food for everyone, one of his love languages- though he'd never admit it out loud.

All of you eat well, chatting together about anything and everything. Hyunjin giving Felix extras from his plate when Felix had finished, the younger boy grinning at him in delight. Changbin and Chan engaging in an arm wrestle, in with Changbin dominates, of course. Jisung, Seungmin and Jeongin having a beer downing competition, spluttering with laughter when Jisung almost chokes on the drink. Minho, a hand on your thigh, watching his friends eat the food he'd made for them in contempt - all of it fills your heart.

To think how miserable you had been, in a relationship you had tried so hard to keep afloat, and a friendship that ended in distrust - how different your life was now was insane.

Hyunjin distracts you from your thoughts, calling your name as he stands up. "Yo, come help me get the ice creams from my room."

You roll your eyes at his request, but inevitably agree, standing up and narrowing your eyes at your boyfriend who slaps your ass as you do so.

"Come on lazy lumps," Hyunjin taunts, calling you as you run to catch up with him walking towards his room. "These ice creams won't get themselves."

"Alright, alright," you sigh, following him into his room and taking a bundle of ice creams he pulls out the freezer. "You're so clingy recently."

He scoffs, making a disgusted face at you. "I'm not clingy," he claims, whilst you tilt your head at him. He closes the freezer with the ice cream packets in his arms, sighing. "Okay, maybe I'm a bit clingy, but you can't blame me. There was a point I thought you and Minho would never talk to me again."

"You're so dramatic," you chuckle, as the two of you walk out the room and back towards your friends. "We've been over this a million times - I don't blame you for anything, and you'd never get rid of me or Minho that easily."

"I know, I know," he says, and you notice his faint smile. The sand gets in between your toes as you walk, so you take your flip flops off to walk barefoot. "I'm just happy about how everything's turned out. Don't tell Minho I said this, but the two of you have never been happier now that you're with each other, and I was a little bitch to think otherwise."

You laugh openly at his compliment, shoving his shoulder fondly as you reach your friends, handing out the ice cream packets.

"You're not trying to get with my girl, are you Hyun?" Minho comments cheekily, which everyone collectively groans at.

"Nobody is trying to steal your girlfriend, dickwad. That joke has been used and abused," Changbin whines, which your boyfriend grins at, as if this was the desired affect of his idiotic comment. Hyunjin only sticks his tongue out at him.

"Says the one that was all over her that first night at the bar," Minho jabs back, which Changbin just smirks at.

"We get it! I'm hot!" You say confidently, scrunching up your nose when Seungmin chucks a rolled up napkin at your face. "And anyway, Changbin's taken now."

Changbin widens his eyes at you as the other boys turn to him in shock because, oh shit, that was a secret you were not supposed to share. There's a chorus of irritated yelling forced towards Changbin, and he looks at you in despair.

"You have a girlfriend?" Felix shouts, standing up and pointing at Changbin. You shoot him a sorry glance as he waves his hands.

"Yes! Okay, it's a very recent thing," he groans. "And you! You were not supposed to tell them!"

You shrug your shoulders apologetically, secretly enjoying the chaos. Minho turns to you, an intrigued smirk on his face.

"And how did you know before any of us?" He asks, no distaste in his tone, just genuine intrigue. One of your favourite things about Minho was how he could not care less about your friendships with the guys, something your ex was almost always complaining about. Minho relished in the fact you got along so well with all his friends.

"I went by Changbin's place to get him to help me fix my broken bedside table for the new place, and she called him while I was over, so it was really only a coincidence," you explain with your hands up.

"Why did you need Changbin's help?" Hyunjin questions. "Am I not good enough?"

"You don't even own a toolbox, Hyun," you say, deadpan, turning to Minho. "And you were away working, so don't start."

"I know, I don't care," he says with a grin, and you laugh at how Hyunjin is more annoyed than Minho. Minho and you had trust and he didn't mind you spending time with others, but Hyunjin was a dramatic baby whenever he wasn't involved. Realistically he just had a bad case of FOMO.

"Anyway," Chan claps, steering the conversation in a different direction. "We're all happy for you Binnie, right guys?"

There's a collective mumble of agreement which you laugh at, watching Changbin get up off of his chair. "On that note, I'm gonna call said girlfriend before the time difference gets too ridiculous. Peace out sluts."

You shake your head at him with a smile, watching as he bounds along the sand towards his room.

"That's it," Jeongin whines. "We've lost another one."

"You're just jealous since you're single," Jisung prods the younger boy, which he shrugs at.

"Yeah," he sighs. "So real."

You drown out the guys conversation, discussing relationships and what not, as you pull out your phone, scrolling your instagram feed. A photo Seungmin posted of you, Felix and Hyunjin pops up - the two boys cracking dumb poses as you laugh at them. You like the photo with a smile, continuing your scroll. The next photo that arises is of Sooyun - a ring adorned on her finger.

Her and Doha had broken up not long after she'd come to your dorm. You'd spoken to her a couple times since then when you'd bumped into each other on campus, though your friendship had never resumed. It was for the best, to stay civil yet cut ties, because she'd hurt you badly and you'd never have trust for her again.

Yet, you were happy for her. She'd gotten into a relationship with one of her family friends from your hometown a couple months after her and Doha had broken up. They'd grown up together, and you'd always suspected they'd end up with each other. You weren't surprised when you heard they were together, and after a year they'd gotten engaged. She beamed in the photo, her fiancé looking at her adoringly as she held up her hand for the camera.

You like the photo, commenting 'congrats!' before showing the photo to Minho. He smiles, knowing you were over the drama and genuinely happy for your friend.

"Maybe it's a thing," he says, tapping your knee with his fingers absentmindedly. "After someone ends their relationship with Doha, they find the love of their life."

You shake your head at him with a smile, knowing he was probably right. The last you'd heard of Doha, he'd dropped out of university and was reputably known as a cheater in your area. Luckily, you hadn't seen him since you'd broken up with him, confirming the theory that when someone isn't meant to be in your life, you'll never see them again.

"I'm fucking exhausted," Jisung yawns, stretching out his limbs. "Should we call it a night, since we're up early to swim with dolphins tomorrow?"

Hyunjin nods, standing up. "Yeah, agreed. Felix, don't you dare let me sleep in. I can't wait to swim with dolphins!"

Felix rolls his eyes, joining Hyunjin as the two of them wave before heading off to their room. Chan starts getting all of your things together as the rest of you help, folding up the chairs and taking all your rubbish from the beach. You all say goodnight to each other as you part ways, you and Minho heading back to your room.

"I love it here," you say as soon as you close the sliding doors, locking them for the night and staring out at the view. "I never want to leave. It's like paradise."

"You know," Minho says, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms round your torso. "I was thinking, after you finish your degree next year, would you want to go travelling with me for a bit? By then I'll have a fair amount of money saved, so we could go wherever you want before you settle down to work."

"Really?" You ask, turning in his embrace to blink up at him. "You want to?"

"Of course. I've thought about it for a while. It would be fun, just the two of us, exploring."

You grin, kissing him on the lips. "I'd do anything and go anywhere as long as I'm with you, you know that, right?"

He chuckles, moving a strand of hair behind your ear. "And I you. Who would have thought friends with benefits could end up like this?"

You playfully hit his shoulder before pulling him into a hug, letting him wrap his arms around you.

"Who would have thought," you agree, sighing into his embrace and thanking the universe for letting your friends with benefits situation turn into the most beautiful love.

And friends with benefits, after a year, is fully complete. I hope you all enjoyed the epilogue, even though you had to wait forever for it. This story will always have a special place in my heart - it’s the reason so many of you read my fics and found my account. Thankyou always for the interactions on this series, love always 🫶🏻🫶🏻

taglist

@skzgallll @tangerminie @nepytune @jeyelleohe @judeduartewannabe @endzii23 @vixensss @odhnlzl101 @yoonguurt @trashieforchannie @xcookiemonsteer @kingsoowolves @woahsehun @laylasbunbunny @sahazzy @hyukastuffies @multifandomtrash-dree @sherlockholmes08 @iam2out @jisungxident @amnmich @linoots @galaxleeknow @kpopwh0r3 @fixation-dump @mal-lunar-28 @zerefdragn33l @i8rsie @strayluvr @yoontaethings @lomllino @biribarabiribbaem @downbadreading @where-is-innie @djeniryuu @lethallyprotected

[amitieos]

toa anniversary munday!

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Name: Nic

Pronouns: they/them

Birthday (no year): 14th July

Where are you from? What is your time zone? UK, GMT (or BST but don't get me started on daylight savings I'll explode)

How long is your roleplay experience? Does playing A Bug's Life on the playground when I was 5 count? If not, I started with rping HP characters with my friends when I was like 11-12 over MSN after school and whilst there have been breaks it's something I've always found myself coming back to.

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? As above, I made a couple of friends on (unrelated) forums and we all just thought it'd be fun.

How were you introduced to TOA? I thought I missed rp and looked for an FE based rp.

Do you have any pets? Yes, all hail Catcat the Great.

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) Summer. I hate the heat and humiditiy but once there's no daylight the seasonal affective disorder bass boosts my chronic mental health issues and it's just a bad time really.

What is your IRL occupation? I've gone back to uni to study Law :)

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? I love reading, I'm fascinated by linguistics and astrophysics, enjoy DnD and playing video games in my spare time. I'm a particular sucker for the Sims franchise.

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? Recently I've been playing BG3, Stardew Valley, The Sims & Fields of Mistria but I'm a big fan of the Persona series and really, really excited about Dragon Age The Veilguard

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: I don't really play Pokemon much anymore but I'll just say Sylveon I guess

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! I met the fourth Doctor when I was 11 and he complemented my vocabulary lmao. I once got published in a poetry anthology with a poem about Shadow the Hedgehog and my parents we so proud of me.

How did you get into Fire Emblem? I think I saw a review on TV

What Fire Emblem games have you played? I've attempted to play every game except 1/2/3/5/11, although I've really wanted to play Thracia I just *need* some QoL updates and controls. I haven't finished every single one because of lost/deleted saves and stuff but I've watched playthroughs and read up on scripts on everything I haven't actually played myself.

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: My first was Fates but Jugdral, Magvel and 3 Houses are my favourite

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! Elincia, Mercedes, Franz, Myrrh and ughhhh I can't choose between Chole/Yunaka/Sylvain so I'm cheating

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! I saw Ryoma in all that red armour and it grabbed my attention.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 Miss Mercedes if you're free Thursday night

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Awakening: Chrom, originally be accident but now on purpose :D - Fates: My first was Takumi and I didn't know what an S support was and was very confused. Nowadays usually Kaze or Laslow if playing F!Corrin and Orochi, Nyx or Charlotte if playing M!Corrin. Niles for either. - Three Houses: Mercedes. She's still my go to ofc but I'm also fond of Dorothea, Dimitri and Sylvain. If I'm playing M!Byleth Yuri or Ingrid - Engage: Yunaka was my first and now it's either Yunaka, Diamant or Chloe. Or Mauvier maybe hahfsdgfsd

Favorite Fire Emblem class? I love Pegasus Knights!!!!!!!

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? Probably a reluctant recruit who accidentally gets involved. Weirdly magic based armoured character.

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? (Black Eagles, Blue Lions, Golden Deer, Church of Seiros, Those Who Slither in the Dark, unaffiliated civilian, other - for example Almyran) Either unaffiliated civilian or Blue Lions probably

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? Boons: Lance, Reason, Heavy Armour Banes: Bow, Faith Budding Talent: idk Axes or Flying?

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? (Firene, the Kingdom of Abundance; Brodia, the Kingdom of Might; Elusia, the Kingdom of Knowledge; Solm, the Queendom of Freedom; Lythos, the holy land of the Divine Dragon; Gradlon, the desolate land of the Fell Dragon) No idea! Probably Elusia or Firene. The Solm heat would literally kill me.

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔(separate letters, to-ah, other?) TOA ;) (like Noah)

Current TOA muses: Elincia & Mercedes

Past TOA muses? A lot but most memorable to me are Sylvain and Julia, though I'm so excited to see Sylvain in good hands <3

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? Elincia and I still have her.

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? White magic girlies though I'm trying to change things up.

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? Hm, I wish I felt I could write more of the male characters I enjoy effectively. In most other fandoms I've written in most of my muses have been men but it's just not so in FE. I'd also love to write a villain okay I once genuinely considered Hilda FE4 lmao

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? (If you filled this out last year, has this changed in any way?) I like writing dialogue and characters bonding but I'm starting to like more action oriented scenes too.

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? For Mercedes in particular I get excited to write her steel and strength, especially when it's combined with her gentleness rather than opposed to it.

Favorite TOA-related memories? Every thread I've writen with Elincia and Rua's Byleth <3

Present or past tense? I tend to default to present in TOA but usually past tense. I'm flexible though and will try and match my partner.

Normal size text, small text, no preference? I actually find small text easier to focus in on and read (I can find normal a bit too cluttered and it can send my eyes wandering lmao) but I'm perfectly happy to use normal text, it just takes me a bit longer to comb through.

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 I can't see a shake up happening soon but... Zephia or Chloe are probably forerunners. I've thought about Palla and Astrid too but I'm not sure if I can see the longevity. Also Neimi, Myrrh and Rodrigue have sparked.... ideas. For muses I've written before, Julia is the most likely but I think she's having a nice break right now :)

[my-castles-crumbling]

i’m not straight. 

This has been a month of revelations Cas. A bit before you begun naming your anons (which is smart btw) I sent you an ask. I read it like the day after you answered it and it got me thinking. And now i’ve done a month of thinking and experimenting and I thought I ought to come back and thank you. 

I found the old ask I made, it’s here,

https://www.tumblr.com/my-castles-crumbling/745963519826165760/hi-im-sort-of-new-to-tumblr-i-got-into?source=share

So you might see I wrote in that i’m straight. I have found that… not to be entirely true. 

It’s been a LONG month. Well, month and a half or something idk. 

So, you’ll see you gave me five possible options. For my… feelings. 

The first one was that I wasn’t used to being around queer people, which is fair, since my town doesn’t really have many queer people, however I would say that many of some of them are my friends. So I sort of am used to being around queer people. So that was a no.

The second one was about how I felt watching them. Which very quickly came down to, like I want to throw up all over her girlfriend. Whenever they’re together. Not much beyond that tbh.

The third one was I don’t like the girlfriend as a person. Which would’ve been the perfect excuse had she not been both lovely… and a sort of friend before they started dating, a happy acquaintance to have, you could say (and then she became a less happy acquaintance to have). 

Fourth was, I miss doing platonic buddy things with her. Which I very much did miss. But with the benefit of miraculous hindsight, I know see all the platonic buddy things we did maybe weren’t so platonic buddy like. 

And five was an incredible gentle and sweet way to whack me over the head. You said it was “something to think about”. I’ll be honest, I hadn’t even considered it an option. It’s very easy to go down the path of “well, I could date girls. But i’m not gay. Cause I like men. And I would date a girl. But I can’t. Cause i’m straight. But I would, but i’m not”. Kind of endlessly. 

Anyway, long story short… i’m not straight. I eliminated literally ALL other options, before I let myself think it, but i’ve now reached the conclusion that yes, I may have been slightly jealous of my best friend and her girlfriend, and oddly enough it’s NOT exactly common to be excited and feel warm at the prospect of your friend having a crush on you (like she told me she did before all this- that I said at the start of my other ask) 

So yeah. Long month Cas. This took some thinking. And then some angered thinking. Because it’s thrown a wrench into some of my plans. 

That said however, I may… have told my friend. That figured out, that i’m not straight. I told her a few days ago, and just ended up blabbering everything to her and I told her not to feel pressured and that i’m sure not ready for anything and that I wasn’t coming on to her, I just thought she deserved to know why I was being weird and how I felt. 

She told me she hasn’t really stopped having a crush on me, but she agrees that I need time to figure myself out. 

BUT THEN… then the next day, I kid you not, she broke up with the girlfriend. 

I told her that I hoped she didn’t do that for me cause I wanted her to be happy, even if it was with her girlfriend, and it wasn’t fair for me to ask her to break up with her since i’m not ready for anything. 

And she said she felt like it was lying to her girlfriend because she still felt how she felt about me, but that I shouldn’t feel any pressure cause we can just go back to how we were and play it by ear (she said she missed how we used to be as well). 

And if we don’t work out, so is life sometimes. 

So that’s your update. I guess we’ll see what happens. But I think a weight I didn’t realise was there has been lifted of my shoulders a little now. At least now I know what’s been missing. 

And I don’t know what i’ll do from here, probably nothing drastic until Uni next year (MOVING OUT of this shit town) but either way, I have another step I guess- what level of Not Straight am I? I told my best friend (the one I do not have a crush on and who is also queer so I was cool coming out to her) that I assumed I was bisexual. 

She asked if I felt like I was bisexual. 

To be honest, i’m not sure a label will fit me for a while, so for now bisexual seems to get the message across. For the like three people I got the guts to tell cause I thought they’d be helpful.

There’s not much queer people can do in this town anyway, i’ve known that a while. Tread lightly and go to music festivals- that way if your parents ask, they’ll never know the artist you went to see was the queer one, that’s the bet advice i’ve gotten so far.

Oh also- as I scrolled to find my old ask, I did read some of the others asks you’ve answered. Forgive me if i’m wrong but this Purple Anon, did she tell her friend about your blog- and then her friend ALSO wrote you a separate anon ask 😭 Omg did you get the gossip? You’ve totally adopted all the marauders fans now. 

And is the Purple Anon girl dating her flower girl yet? Cause she clearly should be. Honestly, her parents sound so much like mine. I don’t really like mine though. 

But i’ve gotten sidetracked. My point was, thank you ❤️ I’d have gotten there eventually, but that’s a pretty long eventually to be honest. You were so nice answering me and it really helped me figure stuff out and get this far. 

You are now forever a part of my coming out story- and while typing that now still feels weird, i hope one day it will be a funny story that makes me smile, and it’ll feel normal, and right. 

Hi!!! <3

Wow, that HAS been a long month! Thats a huge thing you figured out, and I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to like...admit that to yourself.

Your friends (both the one you like and the other) sound amazing, and I'm glad you have a bit of a support system to help you figure this all out. I hope things work out with the friend you like! I sending positive vibes!

As for purple anon, as of last I knew, she and daisy went on a "not-date." and yes, I did get a LOT of information from her friend, A, who also wants daisy and purple to end up together. But we'll see! No updates in the last few days!

Keep me updated on your life too! Remember, it's okay to take time to figure out yourself!

I'm naming you realization anon :P

[belle-keys]

An update to my chronic OCD and OCPD story: A new chapter?

So, in October of 2021, four months after I had gotten my official OCD and OCPD diagnoses, I made this post sort of briefly chronicling my experiences with OCD and OCPD since childhood (more so my OCD, as I really don’t have that much intense or debilitating OCPD symptoms). Little did I know that in June of 2022, I’d have a sudden, awful OCD relapse that would put me back on Paxil. So here’s how it’s been since then.

I obviously did not think I’d have an OCD relapse, but guess which stupidhead decided to stop taking Paxil the day before Ramadan started in April of 2022 and suffered unimaginable withdrawal symptoms while fasting and also on the most hormonally destructive birth control ever? I do think having an awful immediate post-Paxil period was what had kicked off the relapse. I didn't give myself time to experience withdrawal in a healthy way. And then I got Covid in May, hah. By June, my sleep schedule had not adjusted since my Covid had hit and I was only sleeping properly about 3 or 4 nights a week. I started compulsively ruminating about some vague stuff one day and then my sensorimotor OCD specifically dialed up to 100. I think I didn’t sleep for about five days straight before my mom was like… girl. You need to go back on the Paxil. Look at you. I was extremely hostile towards the idea of going on Paxil again, because it’d mean I’d be going into my fifth year of OCD medication and I’d have to deal with the pain of tapering and withdrawal all over again at some point. It felt like I was back to square one. This would have been my fourth time turning towards medication in desperation, my third ever OCD relapse, and I was like just please no. However, after another sleepless night, I realized I simply could not go on like this without doing anything. I kind of short-circuited and just agreed to restart the Paxil that day, and so I started a course in mid-June with an even larger dose than I had been taking in 2021.

I spent the rest of that vacation actually really chill and contented with life, no lie. I was really excited for uni to reopen in the fall. I was also feeling my obsessional doubts lurking about much less. My mind was quiet and lulled. Let me make it clear: my compulsions did not cease, they were just much less intense and less debilitating. I still did compulsions daily, in a maladaptive way. But I also started paying attention to the idea that, huh, maybe I don’t absolutely need to immediately do all my compulsions for several hours a day. If the medication can make the obsession go away, then the obsession’s not… real. Whoa. Like while on the Paxil, I knew my fears were still, logically speaking, wriggling behind the surface, but I wasn’t responding to them because I didn’t feel the anxiety and the panic they would usually cause. So, didn’t that mean that I simply… don’t have to respond at all? I won't die if I don't do it. So it was in October of 2022 I tried some very passive non-engagement and non-responsive strategies for the first time on my own. I would simply remind myself that I don’t have to do this thing even when I felt the mortal urge to do the thing and that I wouldn’t collapse into pieces if I didn't do the thing. I was still drugged up, but it was a turning point in my OCD journey where I applied some logic to my predicament and realized I don’t need to be doing any of these compulsions at all for something catastrophic not to happen. By last fall, my OCD was revolving around four main themes (the usual suspects): existential OCD, sensorimotor OCD, general Pure-O, and perfectionism OCD. Since I was a small child, I have had multiple theme switches but these are the ones that have stayed for the last couple of years. I discovered last fall that non-engagement was very much doable (even though I wasn’t actively doing ERP yet).

By the first week of 2023, I firmly decided I wanted to make a change in my life: cut off the meds and stop being plagued by OCD. So I started researching the basics of ERP, the different ERP models, stuff like ACT and ICBT, and liaising with therapists. (These different treatments and acronyms are all easily googleable so... yeah.) The nature of my OCD is 90% mental and almost constant, and so it was decided between me and my psychiatrist that I'd have to do my exposures by myself, which was ultimately for the better. I supplemented the time not spent in a therapist's office by listening to podcasts by psychiatrists, licensed clinicians, and certified counselors which tremendously helped me as I started practicing ERP. And ERP is brutal, like I cannot stress this enough. I compiled a list of notes and ERP instructions to follow, following the model of RF-ERP developed by Dr. Michael Greenberg whose articles on OCD have completely changed the way I conceptualize OCD, and they deffo sped up my recovery. Ali Greymond's model for reducing OCD compulsions also immensely helped me on a daily basis to reduce compulsions and navigate recovery. The theories behind ICBT also helped me "respond" to my OCD in a logical realistic way, even though I don't believe ICBT in a bubble will truly work for me by itself to reduce my OCD; I think it'd only fuel rumination if used in isolation for me. What has really worked for me on the individual level is ERP using the Inhibitory Learning Model, supplemented with ICBT theory as a secondary measure. I truly believe each OCD client needs a customized approach to OCD treatment depending on their individual symptoms and compulsions. For example, traditional ERP sees obsessions as something "normal" and intrusive, which I've come to fundamentally reject and instead choose to see as the obsessional doubt which is is part of the obsessional process, following the ICBT model. However, to get rid of my intense compulsions and reduce the grip of the obsessional doubt on me, I still need to mainly do ERP using an Inhibitory Learning model. I don't see enough of ICBT being applicable to all of my obsessions and compulsions nor do I believe ICBT will work well enough on its own for my frequent theme switches. I think ICBT helps me logically conceptualize the obsessional doubt as a mechanism and reiterates everything I learn in ERP, but doing ERP with Inhibitory Learning is what primarily helps me understand and accept that the obsessional doubt was never true in and of itself and that not acting on it is always possible.

Most importantly, I stopped Paxil at the end of January 2023 after taperin for 3 months before. And I gave myself an ample emotional window to deal healthily with withdrawal while also doing ERP multiple times daily. Which feels great. I was honestly sick and tired of living on medication for 5 years straight. Honestly, I feel like I've made some leaps in terms of non-engagement with my OCD symptoms. In the past it was always "I'll just mellow my mind with the meds" but I've come to realize my own personal agency in terms of doing compulsions. A major step I've made was the dissolution of the Thought Parliament and the Thought Guard (my psychiatrist approves of the names). For many years, I've manually sorted through and compartmentalized my different thoughts in a large mental cabinet that was carefully surveyed. I essentially, for many years, had my thoughts categorized and sorted in folders and cupboards, which I've come to name the Thought Parliament. I also used military-esque strategies to do the constant "checks and balances" on my thoughts in the Thought Parliament, a process which I've thusly named the Thought Guard. For the first time in my life, I've not let the Thought Parliament and Thought Guard dictate my life and I've been kinda normal in the head. I could not believe that this is how the majority of people live their lives, that is, with the absence of the constant irritation concerning just... regular thinking and information processing. It feels like coming up for air after being submerged for my whole life. As I had explained in Part 1, since I was a kid I've had OCD and so it's been very difficult for me to separate my OCD from myself, constantly defined by precise self-imposed mental rituals, and so it's quite a jarring (but welcome) experience to just think normally and realize I'm very capable of that.

I had a couple of setbacks in mid-March and early April. I've had several minor setbacks since starting ERP which is entirely normal, but I haven't had any signs of a relapse. I've tried to remain consistent in doing ERP and listening to information about OCD and ERP a few times weekly. Likewise, when I was diagnosed with OCPD, my psychiatrist said it's less about my visible behaviors-slash-relationships and more about my values and thought processes in terms of how my OCPD manifests. Essentially, my OCPD has often been one of the main driving forces of my OCD which in turn made my OCPD stronger. So I've been trying to reorient my values and be more mindful of my clinical perfectionistic tendencies, my workaholism, my rigidness. And I'm grateful that I've been doing better. I find I feel light-hearted when I conceptualize my mental health future right now. So I'm officially considering myself in OCD recovery, which isn't something I've ever actually done before. I think (I hope) that I experienced some growth this Ramadan, and so I'm going to try to keep the best of the holy month with me as I go forward into 2023. If you wanna discuss any of what I talked about here privately or via an ask, that's fine, but no reblogs on this post please!

[squarebracketsmileyface]

vaguely points towards the direction of fourth of july by fall out boy. i was talking to my friends ab it being a brian&tim song but honestly? its soo "sorry its licked" jaylex sometimes. "you are my favourite what if, you are my best ill never know." / "oh im sorry, i didnt mean any of it, i just got too lonely, in between being young and being right you were my versailles at night" / "i said id never miss you but i guess you never know" its them.

- lynxb3 (hii!)

Hi Lynxb3 :D (Lynx?) no no, you were right, I'm changing the name to "Sorry, It's Licked" forthwith and rewriting the entire story so that Jay licked Alex's keys so that they belonged to him, as per the ancient laws of the universe

Also you're SO right with that song, there are so many lyrics that work so well for Jay and Alex, and honestly just the comparison to fireworks all the way through the song works for them as well. because like, when done properly fireworks can be fun and beautiful, but if you fuck up even a little bit when you're setting them up they can shoot off in the wrong direction or too early or too late and really badly hurt people. Like, yes, they can be beautiful, but you can also get severe burns from them and stuff like that. Which, yeah that's Jaylex in S,IL alright lol.

Anyway, looking at specific lyrics under the thingy bob cos it got long:

"I said I'd never miss you, but I guess you never know, May the bridges I have burned, Light my way back home on the fourth of July" is one of the lyrics that really feels like Jay and Alex to me, like, specifically the idea that after everything got SUPER fucked up in uni and they finally parted ways, neither of them realised just how much they'd miss each other? Like, i think especially Alex wouldn't have realised it, because he's gonna break it off fairly impulsively (it's still a good decision, but it's a fairly split second one all the same) right after Jay really badly hurts him, so obviously he wouldn't think he'd miss Jay, because the last time he saw him was a time when Jay did something that really fucked him up, y'know?

and then like, the bridge between them is burned, duh, but they still find their ways back to each other years later during the events of MH. And that bridge is still burned, but instead of being a blazing inferno it's just glowing coals. Which obviously isn't gonna be fun to walk across, you'll burn your feet and there's the constant threat that a board will give way and send you plummeting into the water rushing below. And, yeah, that does happen, they both get burned then Alex purposefully shoves Jay off the bridge and sets it back on fire because that's the only thing he can think to do to stop Jay following him back across it, which would get Jay killed.

"You are my favorite what if, You are my best I'll never know" Jay and Alex both definitely had at least a phase of thinking about what they could have been if the other person hadn't fucked it up. or, well Jay would have thought about what they could have been if Alex hadn't fucked it up. Alex would have thought about what they could have been if both of them hadn't fucked it up.

Alex isn't unaware that his own actions and behaviors had a hand in their relationship failing/not going further than FWB's, but he doesn't think he's solely to blame. I think for a long time he did just purely blame himself, mostly because Jay verbally/outwardly blamed him too, like, just straight to his face made him feel like it was his fault. But (especially after he got together with Amy) he'd eventually come to realise Jay was at fault too, that they both fucked it up and chances were that they could never have worked out while they were both still 'themselves'. They'd have to have been so different than they were for their uni relationship to have worked out/been healthy.

"And I'm starting to forget, Just what summer ever meant to you, What did it ever mean to you?" Honestly, I can't decide which of them would have been more upset to find themselves forgetting things about the other, like, after a year or two of just not talking to each other or seeing each other at all after Uni.

Maybe Jay would be the most upset if he did forget anything, but I don't think he would forget that much? If that makes sense? Like, I think that relationship in uni had such an impact on him that he wouldn't forget nearly anything about it, and i think that he'd honestly hate that because he'd be so angry at Alex for how it ended (i have evil plans to give them a terrible 'break up' lmao, they do about it so fucking badly) like, I think Jay remembered Alex's birthday more easily than he remembers anyone elses, even the people he actually cared about actively, I think he would still remember Alex's favourite meal and his favourite songs, I think he'd remember the bands Alex told him he used to listen to before he met Jay, all the random ass shit. and he would hate it.

he'd hate that he remembers more about Alex than he does about his current partner or his current friends or anyone else. (no I'm not projecting. No i don't hate that I struggle to remember my best friends' birthdays but I remember a certain not-technically-my-ex's birthday without even having to think about it, because I got hyperfixated on him and my brain decided to keep weird random facts about him, what are you talking about?)

On the other hand, I think Alex would forget a lot about Jay, whether that's because of Operator mind fuckery or just as a natural thing he would have forgotten no matter what, and I think he'd hate it. I think he'd hate realising he forgot something about Jay, especially as he slowly came to terms with his sexuality and realised that he had in fact really liked Jay and just hadn't known how to deal with it, so had just shoved it down and vehemently ignored it. I think he'd hate it if he realised he could no longer remember Jay's favourite colour, his favourite season, his favourite whatever.

I think it'd make him worry about what else he didn't remember about Jay, it'd make him worry that he was forgetting good things about Jay and making it so that his mind could only paint Jay in a bad light when actually there were things he'd forgotten that would place him in a getter one.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean any of it, I just got too lonely, lonely, whoa" God, Jay and Alex say so many nasty things to each other that they don't mean in S,IL (like, over the whole series not just in the main starting fic) Like, in chapter 2 of S,IL with Alex saying anything and everything horrible that he could think of to scare Jay away and make him hate him so he stopped trying to find out what happened to Alex in uni to make him the way he is now with all the Operator stuff. and then also in chapter 3 of "If It Ain't Broken" Jay remembers a fight he and Alex had, and remembers some of the really nasty shit he said to Alex during that (and probably forgets a whole bunch of it too, because he struggles to remember stuff that happens when he's like REALLY angry, everything just kinda greys out and he doesn't remember anything much about what happened)

god they're both so horrible to each other sometimes 💀

I am a cruel god forcing their hands.

They could have been happy but I'm just here like "dance for me my pets, dance for me and perhaps I'll reward you with some sliver of fluff for you to wrap your wounds with."

And then I give their promised fluff to someone else 💀

"Don't tell me you cried, Oh, honey, you don't have to lie" (i thought this line was 'don't tell me you're fine, oh honey you don't have to lie' literally until just now when I finally looked up the lyrics for this post, so well done me) Honestly though, I think if Alex told Jay he'd been upset about ending their FWB relationship in uni Jay wouldn't have believed him. Like, if Alex had told Jay he'd cried over it, that he'd had to ask Amy to reassure him that it was the right decision and it didn't make him a bad person for ending it, Jay would think he was bullshitting him. He'd think Alex was just saying it to stop him from hating him for it, or to make him feel sorry for him.

"I wish I'd known how much you loved me, I wish I cared enough to know" Alex alex alex alex alex

alex

Specifically alex after uni realising he liked Jay back and wishing he knew how much Jay actually liked him. Like, he knew Jay liked him, obviously, but he didn't know the extent to which he did, he always shut the conversation down the second it strayed too close to real talk about real feelings, and now he's regretting that. he wished he knew, he wishes he'd cared enough to ask about it. He wished he'd consciously cared enough about Jay to get over his fear of being in love with another guy, but that wasn't how it turned out and now he's left thinking back on what they had and picking through every little thing he remembered Jay doing and saying, trying to find something to tell him exactly how much Jay liked him.

did Jay just like him casually? did Jay love him? did jay like to think they could have ended up being partners for life if Alex had just gotten over himself? or was the furthest he saw them theoretically getting just a short-ish relationship once they got out of uni, before they eventually parted ways, or maybe remained friends after that?

Alex would feel bad about not having cared enough about Jay to get over caring about himself and his fear of himself and how people percieved him. Even though he'd know that his fear of people thinking/finding out that he was queer in some way was a very valid fear to have. Y'know?

"I'm sorry every song's about you, The torture of small talk with someone you used to love" honestly this one is just the awkwardness of Alex seeing Jay again for the first time since he gave him the tapes after Uni. Like, Alex has done all sorts of introspection and come to terms with his identity and has realised he did like Jay back back in uni and just hadn't known how to deal with that. And now he's lost Amy, and he's face to face with someone he's realised he actually used to really like, and oh god maybe he still likes him, and he just doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how to talk to him, he doesn't know how to make it so this isn't awkward.

[sunnylolli]

So in the US we get accepted into the whole school, not just a specific program. Then everyone takes the same general classes at first (writing, science, art, etc.) before picking what they want to get a degree in later. Because you can take any classes you want, so long as you still take the ones needed to get at least one degree, we have major and minor areas of study. So your major is what you get a degree in, but you can also have a minor in something else which will be added onto your major degree. So for example, someone wanting to go into biotech can major in computer science and minor in biochem. Didn't know if you were curious about what major actually means lol

It sounds wild, but hearing other countries' systems where u start full speed in a specific program sounds wild to me! I switched from engineering to heath in my 3rd year, you're telling me that outside the US I would've been trapped in engineering????

Also, the program you're doing sounds like the equivalent to co-op programs in the US. However, by law you still have to take the same amount of classes to get a degree because working doesn't replace the credits, meaning it takes longer than 4 years to graduate 😖

Ooo, thank you for explaining!

We actually already do that in Gymnasium (Grade 10-13, high school equivalent I think)

So in "High School" we had different "Lines" you could choose; Like "Global line", "Social Science Line", "Mathematics Line" etc., each with different mandatory classes and add ons you could choose yourself.

(Note: You could choose several different kinds of Gymnasium, each specialized within a certain category. E.g. Stem, Business, General Gymnasium, etc.)

I chose the general gymnasium and I chose to "major" in Mediascience and "Minored" in Psychology, while I had a set of classes I had to take, like Math, Danish, History, etc.

So what you're explaining I already sort of did that in Gymnasium!

Then for Uni, you apply for the education you want to go for, so Psychology, Stem, Pedagogy, and so on. I would've applied for a bachelor's in Psychology but my GPA isn't high enough for it, so I'm taking a backdoor :,)

Degrees are offered like that individually at the schools, so VIA university college is what I've gotten into, but I can't mix and match like I could in high school

At least not to the same degree, I can, in the third or fourth semester, choose a specific add-on class to personalize and specialise the education to fit me personally, but it can't stray too far from the actual education.

(I remember in gymnasium how absolutely bullshit hard it was to have to put my focus on so much all at once.

Like I had so many different things I needed to study for that I seriously barely made it through.

I had to juggle social life, self discovery, partying, school life, with tons of work. So Uni giving me more space to actually dive into something specific that I'm interested in and letting me speak to likeminded people who I (sorta) know have the same interest as me is a RELIEF.

Like I understand how it can feel claustrophobic, especially when you're used to something way different - But I find it like a breath of fresh air to not have to worry about ten different subjects all at once, but have all of them, in some way, be related to one another :,)

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hey, I'm going to uni this year but am stuck choosing Edinburgh (Literature) between Warwick (Creative Writing and Literature) but I don't know which one to pick. Edinburgh has a better lead on the world tables along with a fancy reputation in contrast to Warwick. Do I choose Edinburgh over something that has been burning for years (aka writing about stupid characters) or ya know...something more prestigious? It's really difficult because I don't trust the Creative Writing courses having the ability to give a good experience since they differ so widely and there really is no telling of how it goes.

And on top of that, a lot of my characters are HELLA QUEER and my conservative ass parents are going to be ashamed when they see me writing cute ass guys get along with each other. (Also what do your parents think about Lonan and Harrison in this context???)

So is it social security over passion?

I really am so lost, it's been months and my brain cannot think. I just think that if I have that degree, than it would give me the validation of being a decent writer. BUT like - I've always enjoyed essay writing? This is so bipolar😭

But the main question is, do you think your time in uni was worth the shot of just breathing author air and not giving a fuck about what other people think? (Sos if that sounds harsh, it's the artists attitude of being the wild cards of society).

(I'm in London btw, if you're wondering).

(Also, I LOVE YOUR WRITING LIKE PLEASE I WANT TO EAT IT!!!)

Hiii! Happy you're eating my writing HEHEHE! Okay lots to talk about here, but to answer your main question:

Do you think your time in uni was worth the shot of just breathing author air and not giving a fuck about what other people think?

Okay so, for me... My experience with my degree is complicated but I wouldn't necessarily say the experience was worth it in the ways I thought it would be. To be very fair, my education was VEYR interrupted by COVID (all of second year online, third year had a hybrid mix with some online classes and some on campus, fourth year is the only "normal" year I had besides first, which was interrupted toward the end by the pandemic--I started school in fall 2019). I want to say that because my experience is very much defined by that--I'm sure the culture of uni has changed since 2020, it just didn't change personally for me (i.e., I don't do social gatherings still, so I didn't invite friends over, go out with people, etc, just went to class then went home for 3rd and 4th year, which made socializing hard, more than usual LOL, for me--I'm sure folks who are doing those things had a different experience in my program).

Something you said is super intriguing to me: "I just think that if I have that degree, than it would give me the validation of being a decent writer."

If I can say something for relatively certain, a degree isn't going to give you the validation of whether you're a good writer or not (and I wouldn't recommend people go into a CW degree with that hope in mind--tbh, studying CW isn't "practical" and without a strong financial plan, etc, I would feel veryyyyy reckless/irresponsible on my platform to just go "ahhh yes! study creative writing!!")

If I can be honest, I was a good writer going into my program and I'm a better one coming out--but that isn't majorly because of the degree, to be upfront (I don't want people to think "ohhh rachel studied CW and she's such a good writer now, and she must be a good writer because she studied writing, and therefore I'm going to study writing to be a good writer"--I reaaaallllyyy want to be transparent with my audience about this because I know it's a privilege to study CW and I don't want to give people the wrong idea). I'm a better writer because it's been four years and I wrote 3.5 books in that time, ~20 short stories, ~20 poems, etc. Of course, some of that was for the degree but MOST was not (except for the poems). Hundreds of thousands of words.

How much you get out of a CW program depends on sooo many things like how the program actually functions (if you're not sure--I would ABSOLUTELY try to get that info from either an open house or some alumni if you can get in contact, I wouldn't go into a CW program at all without an idea of how the program runs--but that's just my advice!). Can also depend on your cohort for that year, whether there's a pandemic (looool), the profs, who's on sabbatical, who just got hired, etc, etc, etc. So I don't have concrete advice for whether you should study literature or CW, or if you feel you're in a position where you can choose passion over social security (that could be something to think about with an adult in your life!).

I also think it's important to know where YOU are in your writing journey. If I could go back in time and talk to seventeen year old Rachel, I'd probably advise her to go down a different path, to be honest. It's not that I found my degree completely hopeless, not at all, I met some AMAZING educators and writers who taught me SO MUCH (I worked with a writer I'd looked up to for years!!! like what!!! made some great writer buds, and would NOT be a poet without this degree), and I have great memories! But I also know myself now looking back, and I struggled in the early half of my degree to feel "settled" because I was in a different place than was typical for writing students.

I'm nervous to talk about this because I don't want it to seem egotistical, etc, but I'd developed a writing & editing process/style before I got to school, which isn't really typical for my program. I started writing and publishing extreeeemely young, and have been told by faculty that they don't really... see students like this in undergrad. When I entered my program, I was faarrrrr from a fantastic writer, and I was still "settling" into my style, but I'd found one (wrote a majority of Moth Work before my degree, for example).

My degree helped me with many things and I'm so grateful to have had a chance to study CW at the post-secondary level, but I also would've been fine without it (and I'm saying this NOT to dig at my program or school, not at allllll, but because I have an audience of young people who I *know* may be considering studying CW because I did it, and I want to be honest in saying that you can absolutely be a great writer without studying CW at all--and coming in a bit too defined might not make the experience the *most* useful, but that is just my experience ofc).

ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to know: I had a four year scholarship that paid for all of my tuition that I earned by stressing SO HARD in high school (my high school GPA was literally 99% which is actually so concerning to me now because the amount of stress I was under??? But I did it because I knew I needed that scholarship to study CW--the min. for this particular one at the time was a 96%, and I was anxious about not making that, hence the average). That scholarship was 26k in total, spread out at $6500CAD/year (which was the price of my tuition).

I had to work extremely hard in first, second, and third year to keep a particular GPA which was I think about an 83% to keep it--to be fair, I was so anxious about losing it that I went wayyyy above that which made me :) so stressed :) but I did keep up that scholarship, so I'm graduating without debt for tuition. I'd also won an external scholarship and bursary that paid for about 30% of my first year housing, and the rest was covered by my parents who'd had savings for my education.

I didn't work a typical job during my undergrad (in third year I did some diversity/equity/inclusion volunteer work that paid at a min. wage part-time rate for about a year though), and was extreeeemely lucky to have my parents' financial support for housing and food.

It is *sooooo* important to have a plan about finances if you're going to study CW, because this isn't going to be a field where you can look for a *particular* job after you graduate (and I know even that's complicated in other fields too, not to generalize!).

I hope this was helpful! Also not to scare you!!!! But I get some high school students asking me this question and I just really want you to have all the info about what my experience was like, because I know this is an impractical degree (I'm leaving with sooo many practical skills that fall nicely into the industry I want to work in, but still, I'm aware that not everyone can do this--so I want to be honest!).

Also to answer the last bit about queer characters:

And on top of that, a lot of my characters are HELLA QUEER and my conservative ass parents are going to be ashamed when they see me writing cute ass guys get along with each other. (Also what do your parents think about Lonan and Harrison in this context???)

My parents don't know much about my writing, haha (my mom reads my published short fiction/poems & my dad reads whatever I send him from LinkTree, but they don't read my personal projects because I would PERISH--they are very aware of the characters though, but not specific things). They sometimes ask me if Lonan and Harrison are dating (but I ask myself that question too lol--they've known about them since maybe 2018, so it's been a while!). They're LGBTQ+ affirming & always have been!

Anyway, I hope this was useful! Message me if you'd like more details, but it's critical to me that people are also aware that the experience CAN be multi-faceted.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Valentine’s Day Masterlist

part two

If Walls Could Talk (ao3) - boomerluke luke/ashton, ashton/OFC M, 43k

Summary: "Ashton, when a person tells you that you hurt them you don't get to decide that you didn't."

Or the one where Luke and Ashton are friends with benefits, but Luke wants more and Ashton isn't gay.

I Know When You're Around (I Know the Sound of Your Heart) (ao3) - guyi (orphan_account) luke/calum M, 7k

Summary: He’s looking at Luke and how his damp hair is falling in front of his face and his shirt is clinging to his chest and his feet are bare and Luke is looking at Calum too and Calum absorbs it all, knowing that Luke is here to stay and there’s nothing in the entire universe that could pull them apart.

Or, it's Valentine's Day and Luke has an entire day planned out for Calum. You know, just because.

i'm a deer in your headlights (ao3) - mukelftv luke/calum, michael/ashton T, 2k

Summary: luke is overthinking, and he's supposed to go on a date.

I'm Sitting Eyes Wide Open And I Got One Thing Stuck In My Mind (I Don't Wanna Fit Wherever) (ao3) - Migs michael/luke E, 5k

Summary: Michael and Luke celebrate Valentine's Day.

It Don't Matter Be Combative or Be Sweet Cherry Pie (ao3) - twinkylukey luke/ashton, michael/crystal E, 1k

Summary: In which, Luke loves Valentine's Day, and Ashton doesn't view it as an important holiday.

it's no coincidence my hand fits perfectly in yours (ao3) - expectopatronuz michael/calum G, 3k

Summary:

“It’s not that bad,” Michael mumbled after a while, and Calum hummed thoughtfully. “What isn’t that bad?” “This Valentine’s Day, any of them,” He pressed the side of his face into Calum’s neck, wrapped his arm around his waist. “Why not?” Calum asked quietly. “I’m with you."

or, Michael loves Valentine's Day, and Calum always seems to be a part of it.

Lover's Lodge (ao3) - afi luke/ashton E, 2k

Summary: Ashton takes Luke on a romantic getaway for Valentine's Day. Things get Freaky with a capital F.

love you endlessly (ao3) - malumqt (bunwuji) michael/calum N/R, 2k

Summary: Michael knew a valentine was supposed to be for someone he liked and he didn't really like anyone in his class except for Calum, his best friend. So with super careful handwriting he wrote out and decorated a card for Calum. Even at eight years old Michael had decided that Calum only deserved the best.

Man, I feel like mold (ao3) - maiamaryse michael/luke N/R, 2k

Summary: Missing fourth period to chase a giant pink bunny around the sports field is not the way he'd predicted to spend valentines day.

My Kingdom For Your Graces (And You Can Worship Me Too) (ao3) - Migs luke/ashton E, 3k

Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Businessman Ashton treats his Uni student boyfriend Luke to nice dinner whilst Luke has a surprise for Ashton waiting back at home.

Or: Valentine's Day Smut

Over Break (ao3) - cornflowerblue (daydadahlias) michael/luke T, 16k

Summary: Michael made a promise to himself over Christmas break that he wouldn't fall in love with his best friend but here they are at a Wendy's and he knows that was a stupid plan. Who was he trying to fool?

You'll Never Be Alone (ao3) - Anonymous michael/luke T, 646

Summary: "I love candy hearts," Luke said, simple. It made Michael happy.

[namelessmewmew]

Old Art Archive Part 4.

Original captions under the cut.

First Three:

Title: Yeah this doesn't look the greatest. Tried to animate this a bit, didn't turn out great but didn't want to throw the hours of working on it away so here it is anyway. Need to draw this guy more...

Title: Nya Sticker. Lil Sticker/Pagedoll of Nya.

Title: Nameless the Persona. I have had a bunch of sonas before but always end up losing connection to them and making them ocs. He isn't so appealing as a character design like my previous sonas but feels alot more like me.Also its a more simple design so I can just doodle it easily. Might make the sketchy style I used here be a part of Nameless's design as he is meant to be a stickfigure ish thing.

Next Two:

Title: Bunny guy and Dog guy. Got of a bunch of old characters that I stopped using [or just never uploaded in the first place] because I just keep making alot of species that were just like cats but or so forth but I'm now merging alot of those into one species of [sometimes] vaguely animal guys. Magical girl Mascot type [sometimes] vaguely animal guys. Though they able to change forms so are not always little animal guys [Human, Anthro, Standard like above etc, which is just because I like making shapeshifting/form changing characters] and their species name is just Magiese [literally just Magical in Afrikaans]. This particular Magiese is Peribit [Peridot + Rabbit because I like explaining things and puns] and is a close friend of Nya.  Another Magiese, this one is Woofberry [Pun on Wolfberries which are a real thing, though they are themed after Blueberries Design wise] and is a close friend of Nya.

Geode/Pink Gem Cat:

Old oc I made when I was 13/14, missed her alot so trying to redesign her a bit, took elements from her most recent design before this and a much older one. Like how its coming along so far but might change it a bit. Her old name is Gemey, probably would go for Geode? as a new name.... with Gemey as a nickname. Might do more of this where I show redesigns with their old designs. Old art in the back are vectors, which is what I did solely for the first few years of me doing digital art, I don't do them much anymore. Been drawing drawing digitally since like only 2020, which I if I remember correctly was because my old laptop broke and then the new pc I got couldn't handle my vectoring program after a while. [and well now I'm out of practice and like how I draw stuff from scratch now rather than reusing assets] but I do miss using them for stuff like character references/concepts or simple gifs cause they made that alot easier. or just even one off non-reused vectors. Also miss how I actually drew hands [shit looking hands but still] regularly, or how I drew more varied facial expressions. Maybe I should get more back into vectors just for the sake of making art more interesting? varied? idk for me.

Art Dump 1:

1. Title: Just a pony 

I think this is my fourth ponysona? [fifth if I count a pride ponysona I made], modeled them after Nameless so that it hopefully prevent me from turning him into an oc lol. Alicorn cause my original ponysona was one, he can be the Princess of just being a some guy.

Oh and also my mental and physical heath is still not the greatest right now but better than last time I posted..

2. Title: Edgy cat 2 electric boogaloo idk man

Yeah, redesigned the Nya recolour design from earlier today. Though did keep them looking a bit like Nya cause I want them to be one of Nya's cousins. Though not sure what their theme should be, most of Nya's family have food themed designs so maybe licorice? red velvet? idk

3. Title: Edgy cat

Mental and Physical heath hasn't been doing so great [as well as just starting uni which is exciting but also very stressful] and I have no clue when I may start feeling better so will probs post a bit of rough doodly stuff. Originally was meant to be Nya but with edgy colours but now I want to make them their own character [though change their design at least a bit to not just be a nya recolour]

Put some hearts in bg cause its valentines day

4. Title: Anything looks cool in front of an explosion right?

Like drawing Nya just chilling but want to draw more lore-y related stuff of them so here is them using their main spell that causes a very hot sparkly explosion. Probably would call the spell like Glittering Sunblaze or something.

Rest of Post:

Title: Alien cat? Alien cat. Old character I haven't drawn in years that I have been wanting to redesign, they still have that cool eye on their chest its just under the bow now. [Original/Last drawing of them is what's in the top left corner.

Title: Three for the price of one. Thought I should be doing these old ocs redesigns in batches of three or five or more instead of individually. Though that would just mean I wouldn't upload this as often because redesigning multiple characters at the same time takes longer obvs. Old art/designs shown on the sides because I like comparing how they look now vs. how they used to look. Kara and Bery are sibs, going to do their other siblings and some friends of theirs next. Zephyr is Kara's and Geode's [might change that name] Wife.

Title:  It's a me! Yo! Sorry for the bit of a upload drought. Been very busy with uni plus a big [big for me at least] project that I hopefully will have done at the most in the next two weeks. This may or may not appear in said project :] Also new username! Casanova-mew -> NamelessMewMew.

Not feeling bad, just feeling weird. I don’t know why but when I feel weird I like drawing eyes.

Title: Chibi Robo Cat. Busy with uni, very tired, yada yada not drawing much lately so have a redesign of a very old character of mine. Used a different type of shading than usual [like how shiny it looks], plus a Chibi style [this character doesn’t have this proportions]. Also really like the bg makes me think of seeing lights at night without my glasses.

Title:  [BRIGHT COLOURS] Glowing from within. Redesign of an unsold adopt, also more playing around with shiny/very bright shading. Might make some more ’experimental’ stuff like this.

Title: The Grim Baker. What do you do if you're a Grim Reaper but also have had a life long dream of opening a bakery? You open a bakery with spooky treats to get the spirits [and possibly other forms of the undead] that you are obligated to guide to afterlife to come to you of course! Finished up a week old wip, I'm on a roll I guess [probably won't last long] Originally the ribbons were not going to be transparent but didn't want what I drew under it to go to waste, it actually makes it look more ghostly. Also its jam not blood on their scythe :], as they have separate scythes for baking and you know Grim Reaping.

Title: Lil vector thing in csp. Testing out csp's trial [used a vector tool for this] it seems pretty cool [the comic making tools, its animation tools and a endless amount of user made brushes are very tempting and more robust than what can be done with sai] but has a much more of a steep learning curve than paint tool sai, especially with its interface, which is alot more complicated than paint tool sai's. Hopefully will be able to pick it up when it goes on sale late this year like it usually does.

Title: The sunset's looking for its cat. Fooling around more with csp, originally this had full vector lineart but despite how rough this looks it looks alot better without it. Don't feel like making multi day stuff stuff right now/ Maybe I need to make experimental not so great stuff for a while idk. Maybe also use csp's 3d models and such to practice anatomy stuff as I keep trying to but just end getting to overwhelmed with how much their is to learn I always end up stopping so maybe just looking and models and mapping out shapes and such myself might work [and maybe post them as batches of doodles/rough stuff if said 3d model resource creator is cool with it]

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Tell me about the first five photos you have on your phone or camera. in my phone gallery, the first two are selfies. one is a close up, one’s a mirror shot. the third is of our cat and our guinea pig who passed back in September that we had since 2018 both lying next to one another on my fiance’s lap. the fourth is of just our cat on his lap. the fifth is of the same guinea pig wrapped up in a ‘hidey hole’ in the blanket on the couch. 

Have you got any half or step siblings? a stepsister by marriage, and she’s the sister I never had!

Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? If so, which website did you meet on? I’ve met several people online, two of which I consider sisters who I met in late 2007 and early 2008 respectively. I met the first one from 07 who’s name is Allie, my nickname for her is Bee, and she’s British and lives in the UK. December 2012 she got to go with her class in uni on a school trip to NY and I made damn sure I got there from NJ to finally meet her face to face. best three days of my life, despite hellish circumstances during and revolving around the trip...definitely worth it. I can’t wait to see her again hopefully in the near future since it’s been over a decade since (OMFG THAT LONG?!...)

oh and we met through roleplaying sites for the show Instant Star which was made by the producers and creators of Degrassi.

When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? I’m ALWAYS fuckin sick cause of my Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome...

Do you know anyone with a serious anger management problem? ha try my entire family on mom’s side, Mom being the WORST.

What color is your wallet? it’s black, gold zipper and it’s an Eevee wallet so it’s got a big pic of Eevee on it with symbols spread out in the background

Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? many many times over!

Do you have an unhealthy obsession with colored furry throw pillows that are different shapes and sizes? no

Have you ever had to call the cops on someone else before? I don’t believe I ever did personally, but god knows all my life the cops have been called on us cause of the constant domestic violence with my mom and dad, and then later on because of my mom and me....

Don’t you hate it when people suddenly love a celebrity when they die? I mean I don’t take it personally but with anyone, not just celebrity but especially any human being especially those closest to you, it’s fucked up when they make such a scene after the fact rather than while they were still alive. it seems shallow as fuck and fucked up.

What was the last cocktail you drank? Jack and Coke and dear fucking god do I neeeeeeeeeed some right now!

Are you good at keeping running counts and tallies in your head? to an extent but my mind constantly runs so much and adding in my anxiety and short term memory issues...not very well or long

Are there any foods you hate the smell of but like the taste, or vice versa? hmm not sure really

Do you have a dishwasher? no and it sucks not having one 

Do you make to-do lists? no

What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? I call everyone hun, guy or girl. obviously babe, baby for my fiance. and my two close girlfriends who I consider sisters, I call one Suga and the other Bee. we also call each other nob too. inside jokes over the years that stuck lol

What pet names do you like to be called? babe, baby, girl (in affectionate way)

Have you ever developed your own film? no

What breed was the last dog you saw? I saw a few out with their owners yesterday on the drive to and from the cancer institute...umm I can’t really remember what kinds, but I could swear one looked like a border collie :P

What’s your favorite thing to do at the end of the day? relax as much as possible, distract with tv, scrolling through my phone, cuddle with the cat

Do you have a hard time letting things go? yeah 

When did you last feel fear? last week cause I slipped and it was obvious from how I was talking on the phone with mom, so needless to say I was terrified she’d text my fiance about it..

What last made you smile? phone call a little while ago with results from an ultrasound I had yesterday on my neck for an upcoming surgery, which were negative for any spreads

Have you ever walked through a sunflower field? yeah when I was very little, Mimi loved sunflowers and I have pictures of us standing in front of one...I don’t remember it though sadly

Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? What’s your favorite song from her? yeah, I’ve got several faves

What’s something great that has happened to you recently? finding out that my fiance saved up/set aside $3,000 so I can finally pay off all my fines from my DUI last year and revoke my probation so it’s finally over...such a fucking unbearable weight and stress for over a year now, is finally almost done and I’ll be free of it hanging over us...

Would you ever paint your bedroom bright blue? not bright but my bedroom at my dad and stepmom’s house I had painted a slate blue shade so it’s kinda on the semi darker side..kinda grayish blue similar to Tumblr homepage but lighter

What’s your favorite way to eat rice? with a fork, and with soy and duck sauce. I can’t use chopsticks to save my life lol

What’s something that has really impacted your life? so many things that I really can’t get into right now...

What did you last have as a snack? David brand pumpkin seeds with the shell (the same brand that makes the best sunflower seeds)

Do you like lima beans? they’re okay

How many bottles do you see from where you’re sitting? a few, wish they were alcohol

Do you ever do these surveys with your SO? no

Do you have a waste basket in your car? currently don’t have a car, but usually do a trash bag hooked around the stick shift, fiance does the same thing but he rarely uses it XD he just tosses stuff in the back or on the passenger side floor where I sit when I’m in it with him

What’s the last wild animal you have seen? birds around our house, and yesterday on the way to the cancer institute we saw a wild turkey along the side of the road :D we get those from time to time around here given all the land and farms

Something you were surprised to learn about your parent’s childhood? just how much partying and drugs they really did compared to the lighter version of honesty I got from them all my life...explained sooooooo much of my very young years (baby-7 years old)

Have you ever told a friend you thought their parent was hot? not to their face...XD

Have you ever destroyed another person’s belongings out of anger? no I grew up with shit being busted and thrown and used as a weapon even, I could never do that ever...

Which painkiller do you use? usually Ibuprofen/Excedrin. I have a prescription for Fioricet which is as needed for severe migraines, which I’ve had all my life genetically from my grandfather on mom’s side but the last several years I’ve weirdly been okay so yeah just over the counter mostly

Would you like to be part of a wedding party? I’ve been a guest to a few, but yeah to actually be like say a bridesmaid would be cool...although I’m waiting on my own wedding right now

Have you ever thrown anything up to hang on the power/phone lines? no

Something you taught yourself how to do? tie my hair in a ponytail and never looked back, write songs, some “feminine” needs...

What is the last song you listened to in a car? we weren’t playing any music yesterday, so I guess the radio station my last Uber had on which was on March 28th

Do you currently feel calm? yeah I’m okay right now

If applicable, what’s your favorite sports team? GB Packers, NY Giants, NY Jets

When did you last sign your signature? about an hour or so ago for a specialty med that was dropped off at my door. I had to sign the receipt to send back to them for no copay, that I received it, and to sign up for text message notifications regarding getting refills and shipping

What cover do you think is better than the original song? definitely Sound of Silence that Disturbed does. David Dreyman’s voice is so fucking perfect for that song, and I love the spin on it that they did. so haunting and beautiful and emotional.

Who is the last person that gave you butterflies? my fiance every day

Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? yeah my fiance

Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? no 

If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? impossible considering there’s so many shoes, let alone characters 

[hcneymilkks]

suna rintaro university arc !

You can argue with me but I feel like Suna would call his messiness an "aesthetic." I mean messy room, out of control sleep schedule, any form of caffeine (coffee, bubble tea, matcha, Red Bull, Monster) in his hands at all times. Could be one type or multiple types of drinks a day. Anything to keep his mind running.

Suna feeling stressed? He ignores all symptoms and forces himself to finish assignments. Looks emotionless but deep inside he has actually internalized all feelings, especially with the lack of crying.

Causal routine of attending classes, studying, finishing assignments trying to get some sleep.

Moving to online classes; the routine of being cooped up inside of his room has slowly made him crumble.

All he can do is internally scream because he's behind on like 47 assignments.

hq.masterlist

AHAHAH someone help

at this point i've been so inactive because of uni like i barely have time to actually write any fics. i feel so overwhelmed yet calm and that's how i know i've reached my breaking point lol.

at this point i'm so close to just shitposting haikyu headcannons especially ones that revolve around university. so please let me know if you all wanna see some AHAHA.

[2jaeh]

hiii would like to request for 3 and 7 with either jaehyun, mark or jaemin :))) + angsty angst to the max heheheee thank uuu

bye | jaehyun

"i know you're sick of falling in love, but girl that needs to be us..."

genre: angst

content: gender neutral!reader, best friends to ???, jaehyun is down terrible

word count: 1.1k

♡ prompt list

author lin

sorry for disappearing again 💀 uni was kicking my ass

"I think I'm done with my job for good." You sighed in exhaustion, dramatically throwing yourself face first onto your best friend's bed.

Jaehyun lifted his eyes from the book that was resting on his lap, his knees propped up and his back pressed against his headboard. He placed the book on his nightstand and peeled the fluffy brown blanket draped over him so he could lean forward, gently poking your head with an amused smile on his face.

"That's the fourth time you've ever said that, should I believe you this time?" Jaehyun chuckled under his breath when you picked your head up only to give him your most threatening glare.

"I'm serious this time…" You insisted with a scowl, turning to lie down on your back, your eyes fixated on the ceiling, "today was the nail on the coffin."

"You wanna talk about it?" Jaehyun hummed.

"Not really…" You shrugged before sitting up, "what I really want is some ice cream."

"It's almost 2AM." Jaehyun countered, uselessly raising an eyebrow at you already hopping off his bed.

"So what?"

"Can't argue with that." Jaehyun gave in immediately, making you laugh.

Jaehyun had been your best friend for as long as you could remember. He was truly the only man you could stand; he was gentle, he wasn't judgemental and he always made you laugh. You always joked that whoever he ended up with better cherish the hell out of him, because he was a special person. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like him in their life. You were lucky enough to call him your best friend.

"Is the ice cream hitting the spot?" Jaehyun pondered with a mouth full of chocolate ice cream, his seat reclined back and his leg slightly tapping along to the music coming from your car radio.

"Mhmm." You nodded, shoveling another spoonful passed your lips.

Jaehyun turned his to the side, his eyes landing on your unassuming side profile, happily eating your tub of ice cream. With the car parked just outside Jaehyun's apartment block, your face was only illuminated by the streetlamps and the lights of the car dashboard. You quietly hummed to the song on the radio, a frown forming on your forehead whenever the coldness of the dairy dessert became too much.

Jaehyun couldn't recall when he exactly began to fall for his best friend. It was quite sudden; one minute he was trying to set you up with one of his roommates, the next he was wondering what it would feel like to kiss you or hold your hand or hug you or take you out for ice cream at 2AM in a not so friendly way. It just sorta happened and he just had to deal with it because you weren't… exactly… the most romantic person he knew.

"My colleague keeps playing wingman for her son," you chuckled, placing your empty tub of ice cream back in the packet, "how do I politely tell her that I will never in a million years date anyone, including her son."

"That's a bit dramatic." Jaehyun rolled his eyes, turning his head to look straight ahead.

"It's true though, dating is pointless," you grimaced, "but you won't understand because you're a hopeless romantic."

"Me? I just don't have commitment issues like someone I know." Jaehyun teased, laughing when you shoved his shoulder.

"Okay then, why haven't you dated anyone recently?" You narrowed your eyes at him.

"Just… haven't found the right person yet." Jaehyun chuckled awkwardly, letting his eyes glance over you for just a second before reluctantly peeling them away.

"I wonder what kind of person would sweep you off your feet." You giggled, letting out a tired sigh.

You. Jaehyun wanted to yell. He wanted to shout it out for everyone to hear, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. The word stayed trapped in his throat, like a prisoner behind bars. He knew better than to say anything because you would never return his feelings. You could never fall in love. You could never give anyone even a sneak peak of what your heart looked like. Cold, uncommitted; always running away at the slightest mention of love. And then there was Jaehyun; warm, hopeless and not ready to ruin the relationship with his best friend.

"I'm not that picky," Jaehyun finally responded after being lost in his thoughts, "I just want someone who's nice… and just loves me."

"Bare minimum but alright," you laughed before turning in your seat and jokingly batting your eyelashes, "if that's the case I should be sweeping you off your feet."

"H-Huh?"

"Well I'm nice… ish," you grinned, reaching over to pinch Jaehyun's soft cheek, "and I love you!"

Jaehyun felt his throat go dry once the words left your mouth. Of course you loved him, you guys expressed that to each other all the time. But the fact that you could make jokes about it so easily, while it was eating Jaehyun up on the inside. His heart panged against his chest as he sat up straight and turned to you, his hands nervously shaking in his lap.

"You do." He replied with his eyes closed.

"I do what?"

"You do…. sweep me off my feet." He gulped, opening his eyes but still refusing to look in your direction.

"Jaehyun?" You laughed to fill the awkward silence, "what… what do you mean?"

"I-I love you… more than as your best friend," Jaehyun admitted, his eyes glued to his lap, "you're the person… that swept me off my feet."

The silence was deafening, it seemed as though even the music on the radio was growing quieter. Jaehyun lifted his head to look at you, but you barely acknowledged him. You were staring straight ahead, your fingers anxiously fiddling with the steering wheel. Finally you turned to face him, your eyes connecting again for what seemed like an eternity. 

"Jaehyun I…. I'm sorry," you whispered, so softly but he heard it and he felt his heart fall right down to the pit of his stomach, "I'm sorry… I'm really sorry."

"It's okay." Jaehyun cut you off before you could string out anymore useless apologies.

He knew you had nothing more to say to him. There was no polite way to tell your best friend that you didn't love them back. Silence descended upon the car again until you clicked the button to unlock Jaehyun's door.

"Maybe… you should head up." You suggested quietly, only glancing at him for a second as he opened the door. 

"Yeah, see you around." He murmured, stepping out of the car.

"Bye Jae."

[the---hermit]

Random and not planned reflection on my reading goals so far this year because I feel like it (the fact that I want to buy more books but my stupid brain tells me that anytime I want to spend money for myself I should feel guilty has more part in this than I'd like to admit)

My personal reading goals for the year are:

Read 52 book (one book each week, I lowered my goal because I have no real odea of how being back in uni will influence my reading habits on the long run)

Make an effort to read books from my unread pile

Read the books I buy right away (I did it last year two and it went very well out of a little over 60 books at the end of the year I hadn't read only five or six, that I have now all read btw)

So how is it going? It's going very well at the moment. Since the beginning of the year I read 20 books, 13 of which were from my unread pile. So at the moment more than half of my read books of the year were from that pile. I bought 4 books so far, and I fully read two of them, and I am currently reading the third. The fourth of this list is not in my reading priorities because it's the book published by the authors of a podcast I really like and the contents of the book have all been parts of the episodes they made. So I know already the contents of the book, I mostly got it to support them and to annotate it when I'll be reading it. It could very well be one of the books I won't read this year. Additionally I was also gifted one book, which I read, so there have been no real additions to my unread pile, which is great. I have held myself back in the past couple of months, I have come across books I avoided buying because I knew I wouldn't have read them right away. I have a bad feeling the next time I will go to a bookstore I will make some damages because at the moment aside from the book I am currently reading I don't have real priorities in my physical tbr. This reflection was mostly useful for me to get an overview of how things are going with this goal. Also my graphic novel section is now fully read which is insane to me, and I am really in the mood for some new graphic novels, so I might treat myself with something new. This year I would also like to bring back going to the bookstore with no real plan and just get something that calls for my attention by an author I don't know. I found so many graphic novels this way when I was younger, and I really miss just browsing through the shelves and licking something obscure that just feels good.