#because they're too focused on pushing through as a therapy

[astralazuli]

If you get Covid, honestly, the best thing you can do is REST REST REST.

Even if you feel okay, prioritize rest.

Even if you're thinking, "oh I should be able to do this by now," rest instead of pushing yourself.

Even if your doctor says you should be able to do this by now & just need to work through the fatigue/dizziness/tachycardia/whathaveyou, ignore their uninformed opinion & rest.

There is a lot of overlap between long covid & ME/CFS (as mentioned in the article linked above). In fact, many cases of long covid are just ME/CFS with a fancy hat because you know where it came from (unlike very many pre-Covid ME/CFS patients).

& the best thing you can do early in ME/CFS is learn to pace & to rest before you think you need to.

Pacing means learning to live within your energy envelope rather than trying to escape it.

Think Spoon Theory. You've only got so many exertion Spoons each day & with pacing for ME/CFS, you always want to end up with at least one Spoon left at the end of the day. You never want zero or negative Spoons, because that's when PEM hits you like a ton of bricks & all your symptoms flare & you feel like actual death.

Worse yet, this can lead to permanent lowering of your energy baseline. Which, as it turns out, can get pretty dang low if you keep overexerting yourself. I am talking "can't get out of bed" low, "can't listen to music or have a conversation because you're too fatigued" low, "can barely breathe" low.

I don't say this to scare you or to convince you this is where long covid will always end up. But I do want folks who aren't ME/CFS informed to understand the stakes.

It's also important to understand that, most likely, your doctors don't know this. ME/CFS is chronically under researched & generally dismissed as a psychological problem or malingering because it doesn't yet have a definitive biological marker for diagnosis. (Jeeze, wonder if that has anything to do with the absolute dearth of funding for research, hm? Anyway.) This means a lot of doctors don't bother keeping up on what little research is getting done & still have very archaic opinions about it, including the idea that it is best treated by Graded Exercise Therapy (or GET) (basically incrementally increasing activity at a set pace, regardless of energy envelope) & CBT. Yep. A lot of doctors will think the best route is to just send you to psychotherapy to "learn to not be afraid of exertion."

There's a whole other post about why doctors think these things (I've literally written & deleted like three lengthy rants about the PACE Trial in an attempt to write this post & that's just the tip of the medical nonsense iceberg), but they do & we're stuck dealing with it, despite current research showing GET is contraindicated in ME/CFS & the CDC recommending pacing above all else in symptom management.

All this to say, please be gentle with your body when & after you have covid if you do end up getting it, & rest as much as possible & take re-entering life as slowly as you can. (I know that, especially in the US but also in many other countries, it is pretty much impossible to rest as much as you should in such situations due to the capitalistic hellscape we live in.)

& like. Be gentle with your brain as well. Having lowered capacity for exertion sucks, especially if you're used to being go go go. But take this time to reflect on how you're still a being with inherent value, no matter your productivity, just like everyone else, & unpack the ableism in the glorification of the grind, & give yourself grace in dealing with your feelings around these things. It'll be good for you & good for society at large.

(Also, while CBT does jack shit for ME/CFS, if you are struggling with decreased abilities/learning to relax & rest when needed, it might be worth looking into a chronic illness informed therapist. Chronic illness informed therapists are more likely to be helpful in a) not giving you shit medical advice & b) not (inadvertently or not) gaslighting you into thinking it's all psychological. I have tragically had waaaaaay too many psychotherapists in my time as a disabled person do both of those things & it really only hurt me in the immediate & the long run. Pretending you don't have a physical illness doesn't really help you not have that physical illness.)

The United States has always been a terrible place to be sick and disabled. Ableism is baked into our myths of bootstrapping and self-reliance, in which health is virtue and illness is degeneracy. It is long past time for a bedrock shift, for all of us.

Long covid has derailed my life. Make no mistake: It could yours, too.

[somerandomdudelmao]

there's something so potent about mikey's spirit protecting leo and i'm going to try to put it into words here but forgive me if i don't accurately get my point across

by all accounts - mikey should have shattered along with his body. and you can see the evidence of that because his spirit is cracked and fraying and glitching just like when he was alive and pushing himself too far. and yet against all fucking odds he's holding himself together and ripping through the veil almost the same way casey is just so he can stand over his big brother and return the favor leo's been doing for years - saying 'don't touch him'

leo's been acting as a shield, but even shields wear down and crack and break because they're meant to take hits, to protect the person on the other side, but nothing in this world is indestructible - not forever.

recently i learned more about radiation therapy, the way it can target certain areas in the body with the right settings, but also the way it progressively wears you down because as much as it can help you, it's also hurting you. it feels very similar to the way leo stands directly in the path of the krang's power because 'i don't have magic, it can't hurt me' but it can because the magic was there once and nothing is ever fully erased from existence. it doesn't feel like it's hurting him, but it is. and like a wilting plant trying to sprout new growth, repeatedly exposed to blistering sunlight but never being watered because 'it's already wilting and dying, there's no point' - but there's always something beneath the soil, some remnant that toils ever upward to keep growing and living. leo's never really given himself a chance, has he? because he's been so focused on keeping mikey out of harm's way that he never stopped to dig down a little further and find those roots, still trying to take hold.

there's no way of knowing at this point in the story if leo is ever supposed to find his magic/ninpo again, but wouldn't that be something? anything can grow, given the right environment and attention. take what's left from the ruined timeline and plant him in new soil, free of warfare, safe with his brothers, and who knows what could grow.

and if mikey is there? if his family is there? you can be damn well sure they're going to water anything that looks like new growth - why wouldn't they? it's time to return the favor, after all.

Yes yep mhm uh huh YES T H I S

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

whenever i say that a character needs therapy and healing before they start a relationship, people jump at my throat and assume that i'm saying that people with mental health issues shouldn't date at all or that they're not deserving of love.

folks. i have bipolar type 2. i'm also a psychology major. trust me when i say that i never said people with mental health issues shouldn't date at all.

i just think that it's a lot healthier to get into a committed relationship once you've started therapy and/or medication. no one is stopping you from getting into a relationship before that, but there is a higher chance of the relationship turning unhealthy and/or complicated. not just for your partner but for yourself as well.

and there are other relationships that people can and should focus on. i would never recommend an individual completely isolate themselves because they're mentally ill. that's the opposite of effective, it will only worsen your mental health.

romantic relationships aren't the only form of love. and when a person focuses solely on their romantic relationship, pushing aside their familial and platonic relationships, there's a higher chance of the person becoming overly dependent on their partner, which can again be unhealthy.

and keep in mind, my criticism is also more from a fictional perspective. stories that ignore a character's trauma and just give them a romantic partner aren't trying to tell you that people with mental health issues deserve love too, they're trying to brush the character's trauma under the rug and hoping that you won't notice.

a lot of these writers seem to genuinely think that romance will “cure” a character, and that's such a harmful mindset because it discourages people from seeking professional help. it's the same logic as thinking that birthing a child will solve relationship problems between a couple - that's just not how it works.

and in cases like catra, it's even worse because catra is not just dating anyone, she's dating the same person she has abused since childhood. this is destructive for both of them, not just adora. we have to realize that toxicity often stems from some kind of trauma (though not always) and it's not ableist to say that an abuser shouldn't be dating their victim.

one good example of a relationship involving a victim of trauma, in my opinion, is steven and connie from steven universe.

steven universe future focuses entirely on steven's deteriorating mental health, caused by all the trauma he endured in the original series. but in the end, after experiencing a mental breakdown, he actually seeks professional help before beginning to date connie.

it must also be mentioned that their relationship had great development since their friendship was already quite healthy and mutually supportive, and connie has been with steven through all his highs and lows. and so, it doesn't feel like this relationship came out of nowhere, just so that steven gets a happy ending.

it's a satisfying conclusion to both of their arcs and even better because they're allowed to stay away from each other and pursue their own goals while still being in a relationship, meaning that there won't be the risk of them becoming codependent.

this is all that i'm asking writers do with their characters with mental health issues/trauma. you can give them a romantic partner, just make sure you address their personal problems too, instead of brushing them under the rug.

[lefluoritesys]

Deinfluencing DID? Cool

TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape

Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.

Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.

Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.

We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-

Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."

We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.

We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-

Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j

A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.

We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.

When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.

Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.

We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.

The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.

Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.

Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.

Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.

A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?

One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.

We have a system quote book.

Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.

We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.

We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.

On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.

Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.

We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.

Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.

I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️

-sexual protector

[seavoice]

the olympians generational trauma is so so important to me. rick focused a lot on trauma and abuse in toa but he never focused on the fact that for apollo its inherited. he never focused on how it was a cycle and how it all started with ouranos and fathers and sons and wanting to do better and end up succumbing and and and

cruelest thing is that he was so close to touching on it too. in THO, there’s a paragraph about rachel saying they can choose their fate and apollo thinking “i’ve seen thats not possible, i’ve seen people repeat patterns thinking they’re doing something different when they’re just retracing the same paths previous generations took, but there’s something admirable about human persistence.” in TON there was a whole page about how “there never were any good old days since the problems never change as mortals and gods alike carrying their own baggage with them, but we should overcome it and move forward.” like you want to talk about the generational trauma so bad PLEASE DO IT OLD MAN. im on my hands and knees FUCKING DO IT. i don’t believe in the olympian revolution i believe in the olympian revelation PLEASE let them see the pattern and realize they have to change, not so that they can avoid the threat of war, but so they can heal and recover from the trauma they inherited from those that came before them.

SAY that anon!! It's all inherited. They want to change, but no God believes they can! Percy tries to have faith at the end of Last Olympian (a lesson he is quite literally pushed to the edge by Echidna to learn in Lightning Thief), despite Hermes shutting him down, and is paid dust for it. They don't believe it themselves. They don't believe in themselves. Hermes says he doesn't believe they can change. So does Apollo. So do Hades and Zeus and Poseidon and Athena and everyone else -- and even if they do change, it's so small and over so long that they find the world has moved under their feet again. And a lot of it is because they believe they're destined for the same vicious cycle. They wouldn't try so hard to avoid it (and fail) if they didn't.

Riordan really had the bones of a very interesting family story in PJO; clearly by the time he hit ToA he was AWARE that there was a scope for some commentary of generational trauma. He does make allusions to it in Apollo's POV, he's always going on about family therapists and how fear motivates them over love, the whole tyrants are insurmountable monologue. I wish I could quote certain passages because they are certainly...present, but my brain is just too fried at the moment to go searching for them.  But I think at the end of the day, he either felt he didn't want to tackle it overtly or change up the structure of his world building by so much. I think it's a poorer series for not doing so, although at the same time I appreciate that we do not look at the morality of these gods or their (for lack of a nuanced term) trauma, and their familial bonds through an entirely "mortal" perspective. I would rather not have a book long therapy session about this. We had TSATS, and I will do anything to avoid that kind of story LMAO.

I think it's also frustrating that Riordan (despite his many many flaws) comes so close to giving a genuinely fascinating reimagining of godly familial dynamics in a middle grade/YA series. That's why when he falls short of the natural conclusion of like... acknowledging conversations about generational wounds it grates doubly so. That's the great thing about the mythology premise -- it's fertile soil for a fun, monster-fighting series for kids, but it also comes with a meaty backstory to exploit, so to speak!  PJO is about family, over everything -- your chosen one, your lost one, your immortal, messy one. It's about never escaping your shadow, it's about seeing your father's eyes in your son's.

Personally I find it SO great that Zeus kills and entraps and tries to snuff out the prophecy (and the prophecy kids!) because he's scared, he's so paralyzed by fear of destruction and then the real threat is his own bloodthirsty father who hated them. That scene at the beginning of The Lightning Thief when Zeus and Poseidon are fighting and Percy tries to stop them but there's a voice--Kronos!--goading them on? Metaphor city. I wish we kept that energy consistently. It's all in the family, baby!

It's all about the cycles of inescapable tragedy. When you build a kingdom on the ruins of your father who wants to kill you...and instead of breaking the cycle, power and paranoia corrodes you until you propagate it to the extent that you end up afraid not of yourself becoming your father, but of your son becoming YOU. When you've lost the plot so so bad.

[whumpinggrounds]

Hello, I am writing a character that is in the beginning stages of developing chronic pain which will affect their ability to continue their hobby, in the timeline of the story the character doesn't lose their ability to actually perform said hobby, But they are aware that with time, it could happen.

I want the character's arc to be about accepting their circumstances and coming into terms with their disability, as in the beginning they hide their disability and are in somewhat a state of denial.

I hope you can give me some advice and pointers.

Hi!

This sounds like a real cool idea, thanks for reaching out! Your ask is pretty vague, so I will give some general pointers, and if you have more specific questions, feel free to come back :)

This is my post about chronic pain, focused on my own chronic pain. I'll add some nuance to it now, focused on chronic pain that is beginning and developing into something more serious, as well as what looking ahead might be like.

So, in first developing chronic pain, I would say denial is definitely a big part of it. When I started having chronic pain in my shoulder, I repeatedly pushed myself too hard for too long, because I am very stubborn. I also didn't do things that I knew would help (heat, ice, stretches), partially because I was busy and also lazy, and also partially because I didn't want to admit to myself how bad it was. For me, this was because I didn't want to deal with the complexities, inconvenience, and expense of whatever might be wrong. I also really didn't want to give up the things I loved that hurt me.

In talking about your character, you mention that they're in denial, and they're hiding their pain. Is their denial inspired by similar reasons to mine - wanting to continue life as normal, fearing expensive and inconvenient medical intervention, etc.? Or is their hobby tied to their identity? Do they have internalized ableism that would cause them to regard chronic pain as weakness? Make sure these reasons are in line with who your character is! A very practical minded person could still be in denial, but they might take every precaution to avoid pain, believing in their denial that they have control. A very optimistic person might believe that their pain will go away on its own, or that if they push through with the right attitude, their pain will decrease.

Hiding pain - I hid my own pain, or lied about it, or just didn't bring it up, because I didn't like the attention, didn't think it was a big deal, and didn't want to deal with people telling me I should get it checked out. Why isn't your character sharing? Is it to avoid attention, scrutiny, lectures, concern? What happens when people do notice/find out - do they feel lied to? Confused? Hurt that their friend didn't trust them?

Specifically in terms of a hobby, coming to terms with losing it is due to pain one can't control is really, really hard. As your character moves more towards acceptance, consider having them think about adapting their hobby so it causes less pain, or is easier on their body or mind. What are their favorite parts of this hobby, and how can they still experience those things in a way that is safe and comfortable for them?

When you write your character coming to terms with their pain, I would look into ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The principles are a cool way to look at and adapt to chronic pain, and it might help you envision a path to acceptance for your character.

Write whatever you want, write what makes you happy, and write what you want to read. My biggest advice is always to make your characters realistic and consistent - but you don't even have to do that! If you want further advice, feel free to come back, and as always, happy writing :)

[whoslaurapalmer]

ooooooo it's time for a lulu makes her way through therapy update 🪅

- yesterday was psychiatrist day and my brother had to drive me which was very thrilling for all involved, because the psychiatrist was initially my brother's and has known my brother since he was a teenager and saw us both in the waiting room and got so excited and went '!!!!!! is this a switch?? am I seeing both of you??? Or are you here just for the purposes of transportation' and I said HE'S JUST TRANSPORTATION TODAY

- what's nice about him is that even if he was the one who prescribed the prozac he doesn't push me on it at ALL. EVERYONE keeps saying 'why wont you take it?' and He's like, 'no lulu, you don't have to. It's okay if it's just there. Quite frankly. I don't know if you need it right now?' Which was very nice!! because I've been doing very well lately!!!!! not super focused if at all on my breathing or anxiety or panic!!!!!! And it's nice to hear SOMEONE ELSE say 'you sound like you're doing really good!!' but also acknowledge that that doesn't mean the end of talking to people about my problems or not trying to do different things!!

- it's so fucking stupid every damn time when most of my problems are in fact solved by drinking more water. that's what I really focused on this month. And trying to eat a good amount. And trying to be more like. It sounds so STUPID to say mindful but that's what it is!! When I start to panic I started saying hello to everything in the room. and myself more frequently in mirrors. I get so stuck in my head and can't get out of it and give anxiety and panic so much weight that trying to refocus outside of me helped a lot. I also started a gratitude app and I do it twice a day and that's nice too!!!! For really appreciating little things about my town and my house and the things I interact with and the people I know. It's helpful to make myself notice more about where I always am and that's not bad.

- BUT MEANWHILE so I told him, I am trying to placebo effect myself.

- my psychiatrist: ..........explain 🤔

- so I wanted to take SOMETHING for my anxiety. But I cannot do side effects. But I figured, the brain can be tricked and rerouted, right?? because it's silly like that!!! so I just have to reroute it a specific way!! And I can PRETEND I'm taking something for anxiety!! so I was looking for something that like. Idk, would 1) look like a pill 2) be something that I could take like a pill but also WHENEVER, whenever I was anxious too. I tried to do it with like things I already take, like sinus stuff and vitamins, but I might switch sinus meds again depending on how this month's ENT goes, and I figured it'd be better to have something that I registered as SPECIFICALLY for anxiety, and not multiple things.

- I picked altoids!!!!! I really wanted a mint bc mint is distracting on its own being so potent. I let them dissolve under my tongue for maximum vibes and so the mint experience lasts as long as possible. I have one in the morning and one in the afternoon at vaguely the same time and started out thinking each time 'I'm taking this to help with my anxiety' and within a few weeks my brain morphed it into 'don't forget to take your anxiety medication :) ' which we both found FASCINATING.

-I don't know if it IS helping??? Especially bc at the same time i DID up the eating and water. But it is a Thing!!!! and I like it a lot!!!!!! So maybe it is helping too!!!!!!

- my psychiatrist: we should tell altoids. they're missing out on a marketing angle. anyway this is very exciting! The placebo effect is so intriguing.

[flintoaster]

Can I just say that Michael is infinately better for Jane than Rafael, not only because Rafael sucks but also because they're just so easy together. Rafael and Jane have constant friction in their interactions even when they're getting along. They have to try extra hard around each other and force their way into each other's lives. They wouldn't be together long term if it weren't for Mateo. Michael and Jane clicked right away and for the right reasons, their personalities align, their hopes for the future align. Michael gets along easily with Jane's family and he's a great communicator. He puts Jane (and Co.) first at almost every point in the story. They slip into good ol times on accident all the time while Rafael and Jane actively go to therapy and fight all the time. Even if they don't fight, they're being passive aggressive and usually it's Rafael's fault. Oh I hate that guy... He's so controlling and demanding. (He really is Ryle lol). He quite literally demanded that Petra be with him in the past, broke Jane's heart by leaving when they were younger, and now he's so entitled. He thinks that just because it's his biogical child that he had the right to choose Jane's life. Jane obviously let him in and accepted him into her life, but he actively works to stay there even when Jane tries to push him away. He avoided letting her breaking up with him (manipulative 😭) and he claims that he's here for Jane, but when she actually has a choice to make he hates her choices. He hates being seen as untrustworthy even though he goes out of his way to hide things, he was so offended when Michael and Jane blamed him for outing Michael's mistake and yet he lied in that same scenario twice. He hates Michael just because he's competition, which is understandable, but it comes out in the worst ways. He hated admitting that he's jealous and he doesn't take accountability for how he reacts to being jealous. He doesn't even try to respect why Michael is still important to the family. He allegedly hates Michael because he's dangerous and forgets to mention that:

His step mom was sin rostro

His sister impregnated Jane accidentally while drunk and was also with sin rostro

His dad and a bell boy didn't get killed at the hotel

There was a secret illegal plastic surgery facility in the hotel

Plus he doesn't even realize how possessive and controlling he is over Jane and everyone else in his life (lol actively manipulating people on the daily too)

He has his moments, he's sympathetic, he's desperate for his kid and he has family trauma and miscarriage trauma, but that's not an excuse for treating Jane like an object. He doesn't see women as their own being sometimes. He's not actually Ryle level abusive (at this point, I'm only on season 2) but those are some red flags he should figure out himself before dragging Jane and Mateo into this. Or in general. I don't think this would be a good relationship in real life but even though this is a telanovela it's not something most would want to root for. (it feels like this was written by Colleen hoover sometimes 💀) the constant friction between them is intriguing and entertaining of course but even within this unrealistic world of the show, Rafael doesn't make Jane feel nearly as calm or happy or STABLE as Michael does. Jane's always walking on eggshells in a way around Rafael but when she's with Michael she's instantly okay. She's instantly sure about Michael half the time until Rafael gets pissed about it. I wish I could explain it better but Rafael is just so concerning and I wouldn't be surprised if he would be an abusive partner.

Edit:I thought of a good example. Whenever Jane is with Michael and Rafael is around, Michael still supports Jane and focuses on the good times with her and Mateo. When she's with Rafael, Rafael is just pissy the whole time from Michael if he's involved. He's just passive aggressive and avoids constructive conversation. Michael wants to talk things through and get to the root of an issue.

[whiteflamewarrior]

Personal Development: Self-Maximization Protocols

Life

First course of action: Lifestyle

Apply and learn as fast as you can. Ask for part-time so they have low expectations of you. Memorize things on your own at home. Cannot do evenings Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday. Preferably not evenings Wednesday & Friday either.

Find a buyer for Lucy.

Therapy for family. PsyD is better. Figure out where you went wrong, why you weren’t able to just push through it anymore.

Sleep matters above all, now. Prioritize it above everyone and everything.

Overestimate how much long it takes to do something.

Fix your living space.

You’re out of time.

Second course of action: Mind

Read a little bit from your notes everyday, including improving neuroticism, and apply whatever you read.

Remember: If I really wanted to, could I do it? Then do it. This is the type of thinking that works your creative strategy-making tactical brainstorming.

You just do it. Like when brother said. You just do. It’s a state of being. So just be it.

Speak with a consistently deeper & stronger voice—your sympathetic frequency.

Speak more clearly and sharply with clearer pronunciation rather than slurring your words. Stop being afraid. Don’t ever be afraid of confrontation. The less afraid you are, the more afraid others will be. Remember: Most people are weak & cowardly. Don’t be like them. Never be afraid to deal with their aggression with more aggression.

Stop being overly keen/excited when talking to people like a weird virgin. Be aware of talking too much: Don’t ramble and waffle.

Be smoother with people. Smoother, suaver, wittier. More finesse. Relaxed and smooth.

Neurogenesis.

Your dopamine stores are finite. Your brain only produces so much of it everyday. Figure out what you’re using up that dopamine on, make a list of it, and eliminate them all. See here for more.

Rely only upon Allah SWT, no matter enticing or trustworthy & reliable other people/things may seem. Always make istighfaar.

People get jealous when they see you excelling over them yet believe they’re better than you (i.e. arrogance), either because of a defense mechanism for feeling inferior and/or intimated by your own success, as they feel it showcases their own inadequacies & shortcomings (e.g. “if he did it, then I should have been able to”). You need them to know—and accept—that you are “better” than them in the same way most people don’t get jealous of football players who are better than them at football. Get them comfortable with you by making them feel good about you and themselves; or just simply avoid them. Or both.

Remember that internal work SHOULD manifest externally. Just because you're focusing on internal work doesn't mean you prevent external work from displaying. You were self-suppressing because of that, and it actually obstructed your progress-both externally AND internally-because you prevented your internal development from actualizing. Stop it. Stop feeling guilty about external pleasures, about your own self-expression, about how good it feels when you look good and it shows. You deserve to feel good about yourself, dude. It's not shallow if it actually comes from YOU! Many people are fake & illegitimate and do have unwarranted confidence in their ignorance, but that doesn't always mean it's fake just because it's an outward display, nor does it mean YOU stop yourself from feeling good about worldliness simply because it's external. These are external manifestations of your internal self-expression. Understand that there is a big difference between something showing on the surface and something being surface-level. Self-expression is NOT the same as putting on a facade merely because they're both outward displays. Moreover, have pride in who you are. You've forgotten that. Be more dignified in how you dress. Dress more beautifully, because not only is it okay to, it's actually a form of worship. Indeed, Allah Is Beautiful and Loves beauty.

Third course of action: Physical Prowess

Warmup exercises & walk after each meal. 10-30 minutes of bloodflow is enough. Helps digestion.

At least 20 minutes of stretching post-workout everyday.

Istighfaar.

Gym & MMA as much as you can.

Health is wealth.

Neurogenesis

First course of action: Sleep Optimization

Sleep between 10 PM and 2 AM is basically supercharged sleep. Make sure you are actually asleep by then rather than going to bed.

Napping is a scam. Excluding short power naps, you usually wake up sleepier than before you fell asleep. It’s better to save up for night.

No food 4-5 hours before bed. Minimum 2.

Avoid technology for same duration.

Weighted blanket.

Remain completely still and don't think about anything. Meditate yourself to sleep.

Second course of action: Routine

Blend broccoli, celery, dark chocolate, avocados, blueberries, 2 eggs, turmeric powder, collagen powder + choline supps

Ice bath everyday. Pair it with something extremely dopaminergic & stimulating that you ONLY do when taking an ice bath so that you actually look forward to ice baths. YouTube entertainment?

Third course of action: Improve Neuroticism

Be keen & engaged. It stops you from being scatterbrained. At the same time, be alert & patient so that you’re always steady: Maintaining self-awareness maintains a steady state of mind. Always have that broad awareness (meta-awareness, situational awareness) so as to not get too caught up in the moment where you don’t realize you’re neurotically obsessing about something. Don’t be like people that lack self-awareness. Avoid obsessive behavior. There is a difference between being extremely driven & passionate vs neurotically fixating & obsessing over something. Learn to just let it go…

Be decisive: Make a decision, accept it, and commit to it. Don’t think about it after the fact. Overthinking is death. Do not be indecisive.

Don’t rush things, be focused. Full commitment does not mean rushing. If you rush, not only does the quality of your performance decrease, but you end up lacking the steadiness & self-awareness discussed above.

While overthinking isn’t really a problem I have, under-applying is. Make sure you apply everything you now know, and start living it. LIVE the knowledge & wisdom you’ve accumulated. The more concerned you are on what was and what will be, the less aware you are about what is; the more you dwell on how you were and how you’re going to be, the less you can see how you are.

If you don’t want to lose any cognitive development, keep using it. Keep using your prefrontal cortex if you don’t want it to atrophy or degenerate.

Check notes. Will edit as I find the time.

Fourth course of action: Lifestyle

New experiences, new hobbies, new environments, etc. all increase neurogenesis. The common denominator? Learning. Once you gain proficiency, you don’t stop or slow down neurogenesis since it’s “no longer a new experience”, it’s just that you’re not learning as much or as quickly as you did in the beginning back when it was a completely new experience. As long as you continue learning to the same extent as in the beginning when everything was new, neurogenesis will continue at the same rate. This may require more effort, but the essence is based on how much stimulation your brain receives. The more immersive, engaging, and stimulating it is, the more neurogenesis is unregulated. Basically, the more you learn, the better & healthier your brain is. But YOU have to be keen and engaged as well—just as you need to be improve (one aspect of) neuroticism.

Research the aMCC

Fifth course of action: Endmyopia

Be present with your surroundings.

Check notes. Will edit as I find the time.

Skincare

First course of action: Contact Doctor

Need isotretinoin (formerly known as “Accutane”) again, at least 4 months (but 6-8 is better). I went off too early, and knew it too. Need a medium dosage, not a low dosage. Acne never fully went away and flares up when using even non-comedogenic moisturizers, placing me in a dilemma of either dry skin with a little bit of acne, or moisturized skin with a lot more acne. The only solution was to either take isotretinoin or keep dabbing with isopropyl alcohol multiple times a day, which is just not viable long-term nor is it good for your skin.

Get doctor to prescribe tretinoin (0.05% max) after finishing with isotretinoin. Apply on neck as well. Look up “I’ve been using tret for 10 years!” videos for motivation.

Ask about lump on left hand.

Get T levels, free T, estrogen, DHT, and cortisol checked; “I’m going to make some major lifestyle changes and want to see how it will impact my health. These are some parameters I would like to get checked as I know they aren’t usually included in standard blood panels”.

Second course of action: Procedures

Vivace radio frequency microneedling. Do not go beyond 3mm (2.5mm is enough, truthfully). Do not go high heat. 2 treatments max with maximum time apart. Find best doctor, not cheapest. Do not use Derminator prior to treatment for a minimum of 2 weeks, likely longer (preferably the same length of time between first & second treatment). Study more about it from looksmaxxers/blackpillers.

Fractional CO2 laser resurfacing. Same as above.

Undergo caloric surplus 2 weeks prior to treatments, and caloric restriction & intermittent fasting for at least 1 week prior to treatments. This is to upregulate autophagy and fat storing. Night before & day of procedure, enter caloric surplus again. Maintain caloric surplus for at least 2 weeks. Eat lots of eggs. This is to prevent facial fat loss. Be cognizant of blood draws, blood cupping, and MMA throughout protocol. Engage in skincare regimens that improve/strengthen the skin barrier prior.

Third course of action: Regimen

Facial exercises (do in the shower) + dump face in ice water every morning.

Tretinoin every night.

Moisturize daily with hyaluronic acid.

Microneedle once every 1-2 weeks. Use facial cleanser before & serums after.

Use clay mask one day prior to microneedling. Consider this mask & procedure as well.

Always use toner after using a cleanser unless prior to microneedling.

Glycolic acid, lactic acid, and polyhydroxy acids at least twice per week. The specific effects these have in particular are especially helpful for my skincare goals. If glycolic acid is too strong, mandelic acid can be used in place of it, as it’s essentially a less potent version of glycolic acid that also has less side effects.

Use sunscreen everywhere.

Use olive oil, black musk, black seed oil mixture at night.

Cleanser: Aveeno “Calm + Restore” Oat Cleanser

Serums: Hyaluronic acid + B5, niacinamide + zinc, & vitamin C serum

Moisturizer: Vanicream Daily Facial Moisturizer with Hyaluronic Acid

Toner: Thayers Witch Hazel Toner (unscented)

Sunscreens: Kose Suncut Aqualy UV Protect Gel SPF50+/PA++++ (Kose Suncut R Sunscreen Gel SPF50) & Kose Suncut Ultra UV Perfect Gel Waterproof

Clay mask: Body Spa Himalayan Charcoal

Body wash: Anything from Naturium

PHAs appear to mitigate side effects of other skincare treatments by enhancing skin barrier function:

PHAs such as gluconolactone or lactobionic acid may be used in combination with other products, ingredients, or procedures such as laser and microdermabrasion to provide additional benefits to therapy or to enhance the therapeutic effect. PHA-containing products were used in combination with retinoic acid in treating adult facial acne and were found to be well tolerated.

PHAs plus retinyl acetate (pro-vitamin A) in a cream base exhibited significant antiaging skin benefits such as skin smoothing and plumping. PHAs plus hydroquinone showed excellent improvement in antiaging and skin lightening parameters.

The above suggests it may work synergistically with other skincare treatments.

Additional information:

B5, zinc, and hyaluronic acid all work synergistically with vitamin C to amplify its effects; ferulic acid seems to work best.

Copper peptides nullify vitamin C.

Look for other synergies & negations.

Polyglutamic acid is a much more potent version of hyaluronic acid. Look into lotions & serums that have it.

Most sunscreens help with UVB, but not UVA—which is more responsible for skin aging. This is why broad spectrum is important.

Try: CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser (very gentle; classic; has stearate/stearic acid), CeraVe Foaming Cleanser (stronger version of above; not good for makeup which means it’s good for me; use if really sweaty; has stearate/stearic acid), Mecca Cosmetica To Save Face SPF50 Superscreen; The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factors + HA

Fourth course of action: Lifestyle

Don’t scratch itches anymore.

Sleep early.

Supplement collagen everyday.

Hydrocortisone when needed immediately. Don’t procrastinate. Applying consistently is more effective than applying lots inconsistently.

Be soft and gentle with your skin from now on. Touch it lightly, don’t rub hard, dab dry instead of wipe dry, etc.

Avoid touching your skin in general.

Don’t be so facially expressive anymore (e.g. working out, drinking water, talking/thinking, etc.).

Drink a lot more water.

Shave when the hair is shorter. Try single-bladed razors.

Move with intent, because intentionality manifests in reality. Everything you do, do it with the intention of becoming more attractive, strong, & beautiful. And remember God. Everything we do is for Him. Full submission and acceptance.

Teeth

First course of action: Contact Dentist & Procedures

Get teeth repaired.

Ask about tooth implant and perhaps an extraction & 2 implants for straight teeth, how it would work with and/or affect teeth straightening (such as Invisalign or braces), how teeth whitening works with fake teeth, why my gums are covering one tooth and how that would affect teeth, what causes a lisp, what caused my tooth to grow forward in the first place, why the lumps under my jaw are uneven, and why my left neck muscles seem to insert farther out than my right (making my jawbone not appear as easily/sharp). Ask opinion on hydroxyapatite toothpaste vs fluoride toothpaste, the importance of flossing, and the dangers of teeth whitening too much (e.g. is it bad for gums).

Get teeth whitened.

Second course of action: Regimen

Brush teeth more frequently.

Floss before bed.

Teeth whitening strips 1-3 days per week or Invisalign retainers with teeth whitening gel.

Smile exercises.

Hair

First course of action: Regimen

Ketoconazole shampoo 3 times per week + conditioner.

Microneedle once per week affected regions at 0.75mm depth until just before/at bleeding. Do not overdo; under doing is better.

Use MinoxidilMax Dualgen 5 Fast Dry twice per day. It is not hormonal like finasteride is and contains caffeine, making it beneficial in mornings to set circadian rhythm. Additionally, it contains azelaic acid which is also used in skincare, making this haircare protocol tie into skincare too. Some say azalaic acid does not work for skincare; however, microneedling increases the efficacy of most topicals so InshaAllah it will bring noticeable effects.

Consider taking RU58841 if hair goals are not achieved.

Consider taking Essengen 6 Plus if neither of the 2 above help you achieve your goal.

If taking RU58841 or finasteride solution, consider having blood tests before & after to see where your current hormone levels are at, taking a very small dosage of an AI to suppress elevating estrogen, and supplementing carnitine to upregulate androgen receptor density. If considering taking finasteride/dutasteride orally, try saw palmetto first.

Second course of action: Procedures

Laser hair removal around neck, eyebrows, and back of neck for an even rear hairline.

[ellelune]

Hi i'm still alive

Hi. It's been...more than 5 years since I abandoned this blog. I just randomly searched up my old blog here one day and I was filled with nostalgia...the happy-sad kind. This was my Pinterest (I'm old now okay). This is where is used to express my creativity, not that I draw or make art but like...i feel so myself when I was here? Obviously this site has went through shit, I feel like every millennial did, and no I'm not talking about the pandemic, but idk, I kinda wanna feel the old me through here. One thing this place helped me with is that I used to write letters to my future self, it's a little something that I do to push myself to live. unfortunately, I haven't been doing that for a long long long time. The last time i was here, it was a den for R-18 blogs and they're popping out everywhere and it felt like a virus. It's scary. I'm a wholesome blog. I was also too busy with school so i just focused on studying. hm, How have i been? Maybe i should write it here so the future me can read and reminisce. I'm currently working as a Physician at a nearby clinic, i also applied for a research position at my Alma Mater, I'm waiting for their call back but it looks positive, i want to believe so. I am not where i wanted to be, that's the truth, but also...i don't even know what i wanted to be. I am currently on Therapy, i have been, for 1 year now, and it's been a great help, along with my medications and shit. I have insurance now, i have some savings, i can buy some stuff that i like. I'm still with my boyfriend, we're on our 9th year now. We're pretty much family to each other at this point but he went and pursued residency, so he should finish that first before he start settling down. My cat, yes, he's still alive. He's 9 years old too! He's fatter than ever. We have a new dog, btw. His name is 'Kiro'. He's a domestic breed, he's less than a year old and he's soooo energetic i can't keep up with him. Whatelse? I am much happier than before. The ellelune here back in 2015 was so gloomy [ turns out she was badly depressed]. I still love the vibe these creepy ethereal photographs give off, i still love art, but recently i have been into baking, or maybe cooking in general. I learned a lot of dishes in a matter of months. I haven't been watching movies lately, i don't think there are anything that interests me anymore and i don't wanna watch for the sake of watching. BUT! I know there are films in my old hard drive that might get me going. I haven't even seen Openheimmer yet. Netflix is just there for my parents. I'm more into anime lately, manga and webtoons. I play a handful of games too, like back in 2019, i was obsessed with Genshin Impact that i burst out my wallet for it. I still love genshin but i don't play it as much as before [ also my PC gave out]. Music...still the same taste, maybe a lot wider since i got into J/K-indie. I still enjoy singing. Dancing? not so much as before, but i did danced again, for a while. There are so many things that changed and so many things that i'm happy it did change. One thing i would like to say is, i am living my second life now, i will expand on that soon because i don't want to sound gloomy and sad here. but, yeah, i will explain that soon, because it needs to be in here. In 2021, i survived, from myself. That's probably all i will say now. anyway, i will go explore this site again and see if i can rack my rusty brains into managing my account to be active again. I don't know what kind of Ellelune i would love to have, but i'm sure it's gonna be full of things that i love. and oh, btw, i got a niece :) She's a 10 month old baby and guess what her name is ? ' Elle '

[intimidating-fettuccine]

If you want to, do you think you could do a therapy scenario with any creep of your choosing? Maybe slender sits that creep with himself or sits that creep with someone he feels like they would get along with? Kinda like that Jeff and Jane therapy session you did a while ago. Thanks!

It has been a while since I've written something like this~ Hope you enjoy~ I wanted to keep this in the spirit of the original scenario you referenced, so there's no bullet points to this either

You can find the referenced scenario by clicking here

I hope you like this, because I do!

Toby sat in silence before the being in front of him, eyes down so he wouldn't have to look at him. While it was normal to have these group therapy sessions as a GROUP, all in the same area, it was agreed due to his anxiety and general nature that Toby and Slender would be isolated for today's session while the others stayed outside in the courtyard, Tim in charge of monitoring them while Slender and Toby slipped away to Slender's office.

There was a comfort plushie clutched in Toby's grasp, his hands delicately squeezing and stroking it to calm him down as Slender sat in front of him, returning his silence. The clock in the background of the room continued to tock, the large pendulum swinging back and forth as time passed, although neither of them were in any rush today. When the time finally came, it would be Slender to speak first.

"Is there anything, in particular, you'd like to talk about today?" His voice was soft and calm, but Toby still flinched before him, beginning to tremble as he sat before him.

"It doesn't have to be about anything bad. Could be as simple as something that interests you, something you'd like to do in the future. Anything at all." Slender maintained his calming tone, and Toby seemed to consider his words.

Slender was well aware that Toby had lived through nothing but nightmares his entire life. He'd have to have to learn the behavior that he exhibits, but Slender wasn't his father. He'd never punish him or react to him in the same way that man would.

"I... Like butterflies." Toby's voice was quiet, and Slender would have missed it had he not been intently focused on the boy in front of him.

"Butterflies? You have a collection of those in your room, don't you?" He questioned, trying to push Toby to continue speaking. Toby nodded his head.

"They... Make me.. Happy. They're beautiful... And I want t-to... To fly li-like them someday." Toby snuggled into the plushie he was clutching, eyes lightening up as he talked about the insects he loved so much.

Slender hummed and nodded his head in agreement. In his time off Toby would often catch butterflies and house them until they passed, and then he would pin them and add them to the collection decorating his bedroom walls. Slender reckoned it was a coping mechanism for his trauma with how eager it made him, and good things were to be encouraged. Slender slowly moved his hands into his desk, Toby's eyes following him, studying him, and he pulled out a button pin. A pin decorated with butterflies.

"You also like to collect pins too, don't you?" Slender asked, holding it out for him to take, and after Toby hesitated for a few moments, he reached out and took the pin, looking over it in his grasp as he nodded.

"M-m-my mom... Used to give... Them to me..." He said in awe, before pinning it onto his shirt's left cuff, looking down at it. "They always... Meant I did... Something good." Toby smiled down at it, and Slender breathed a sigh of relief.

Slender had met Toby's mother several times, as she was Toby's last surviving relative. She liked to help out with the mansion and visit Toby from time to time, and Slender could tell she had a good impact on him. It was rare, however, for Toby to openly speak of her, for fear of remembering the bad parts of his upbringing.

It was challenging to get Toby to open up, and yet that was why Slender had these therapy days for the residents in the first place. So he could get them to open up over time, get them to share their trauma, and cope with it. It was his way of helping them and giving back to them, and he'd do his best to work with them like how he was working with Toby now. He'd do whatever he could to help them smile in the same way Toby was right now. Pure and honest. Just what they all needed and deserved.

[quarthly]

Twilight characters as random animals that I think are oddly fitting

(Also yes, I am roasting the animals as well)

Edward: He would be a Cheetah. Now I know, seems like a cop out just because of his speed but hear me out. Cheetahs are, at face value, pretty cool. They used to be my favorite animal as a child, but then I grew up.

Cheetahs, through no fault of their own, are severely inbred. Now thats mainly because of poaching, but the cheetas anxiety also comes into play. In captivity, cheetahs are usually given emotional support dogs. I will admit it is cute but it negatively affects the population. Excluding one in the wild, cheetas can be to anxious to breed and thats not good for conservation efforts.

Cheetahs can hit up to 80 miles per hour in a couple of seconds. They are designed for fast running and agility. Their claws are similar to that of a dogs for better traction and they have elongated spines for longer strides. They have a thin build, long legs and a long tail for balance.

This has downsides though. Many times after making a kill, it will get stolen for them by larger predators. Thats right, they get absolutely bodied by the other animals. I should probably make these shorter but I'm on a rant now, so I guess this will be semi educational.

Throughout the series, we see Edward over estimated his abilities and value, constantly getting bodied by others. He's essentially a perfect mormon, though thats on S'meyers. He constantly judges others, dehumanizing them to their baser flaws, without doing any self reflecting. Him viewing himself as a monster doesn't really count to me. While he definitely hates himself, the only thing he is truly demonizing is being a vampire.

Bella: Picking up from Edwards, Bella is a Chocolate Labrador. Yes, she is his therapy dog. I feel like this is really fitting for her. I know Golden retriever would make more sense, as thats the most common breed for service animals. However, I kind of focused on her appearance. Only at first though! I just know that Edward raved about her human qualities and that would pass over as animals as well. Her chocolate eyes and brown fur, very average and boring. Thats essentially Bella. Even Edward wasn't into her until he got a wiff. Labradors a very loyal dogs and while they have more personality than Bella, I just couldn't shake it. Their also very stupid. Ok that's kind of mean, they're not stupid but when it comes to love, then yeah they are stupid.

I used to have a lab, loved him to death, but god he was something else. Very much danger prone, from their own stupidity or their lack of survival instincts. I know that labs are almost aquatic. They love water, swimming, all that jazz. We can just say that bella has a few screws loose in her dna and is just "not like other labs."

Rosalie: Now she was hard. There are quite a few animals that I think would fit for her. I'll list the other ones, but that one I went with is the Swan. Like Edward, seems a little on the nose, but I have my reasoning.

I was going to pick a predator for her, as she is shown to be very vengeful and viscous. I would have pick some type of cat, most likely a purebred, from a rich family. It could still work, but the swan just speaks to me on this one.

Swan's are known for being beautiful, graceful, and are pictured as the symbol of love. They are also very vain. Edward constantly brings up Rosalies vanity. She was constantly valued for her beauty as a human, so of course that crossed over in the transformation. She was raised to be married into wealth, she was used as a bargaining chip to increase the family's standing.

Rose has a very strong character and makes her opinions known. She's assertive and aggressive at times. She's not afraid to get dirty.

Swans mate for life and like geese, are known for being great parents. I was also going to choose geese as an option for the maternal instincts. I was wary at first because swans can be really aggressive. Like actually, you think geece are bad? Yikes bestie...

I was conflicted because swans are known for drowning dogs and sometimes people. However, I can actually see Rose drowning Bella. It's not that unbelievable lmao.

Emmett: Now this one is just ironic. I only associate him with bears. Its inevitable, but picking a Grizzly or Black bear is too obvious. So I went a slightly different route...

So I was going to pick the Sun bear just because of looks alone. Like, I'm not exaggerating, it looks like someone wearing a bear costume. I don't think it fits him but I know for a fact that he would dress up as a sun bear and sneak into a zoo to see if anyone would notice. I'll put a pic of it here

Like look at this thing. I have no words...

Anyway, what I picked was a Sloth Bear. Now Sloth bears are mostly nocturnal, which either way works consider vamps don't sleep. Their diet is also odd but honestly so is the cullens. They're native to the Indian subcontinent, and are known for being aggressive towards humans. Its said that for the most part they're pretty calm, so I think its just fear of humans that make them act aggressively. Honestly, that's a good thing because they are listed as vulnerable on the IUCN Red list.

They have some similarities with sloths, which is where they get the name. They have long claws and unusual teeth. They are known to hang upside down from tree branches, and is described as having a messy appearance. Honestly, Emmitt has a messy personality. Sorry bestie but you're a lot of work.

Now heres the biggest reason for choosing this bear. Aside from Baloo from the jungle book being a sloth bear, they are known to run fades with Tigers. Honestly, how fucking badass is that!? Now I don't think there are recorded instances of a Sloth bear killing a Tiger, but when push comes to shove, they can hold their own and I find that incredibly impressive.

Carlisle: This one was somehow the easiest as well as the toughest. I know Owl seems like the obvious choice, and I can see it. However, I believe Carlisle values emotional intelligence as much or if not more than academic intelligence. He is so charismatic and values other's above himself. He might not be as Saint like as Edward thinks, but he does try and I think he genuinely cares about others. For that reason alone, I choose a Elephant.

Elephant's are very social animals and are extremely intelligent. I could rave about them for ages, I love them so much.

Now elephants live in a familial unit and are usually matriarchal. Bulls usually are on the outer edges of the herd or form little groups with other males. Honestly, they're not that bad aside from when their in musk.

In the group of males, the elder ones will teach the younger where to get the best food, water, how to use things as tools, and every other thing that will increase their odds of survival. This is really cute to me tbh, they do this because the females usually choose the older males because they've proved that they are intelligent and strong, that they have survived and will continue to for awhile. Teaching the younger males these things are to make the odds of them getting chosen to mate more likely. The whole unit just reminds me of a father that has to deal with rowdy teens.

Carlisle likes to take in strays, he might not have a herd but he will make one and teach them to thrive. That's how he envisions it anyway. He just has a found family and is trying his best.

Esme: Now this might seem like an insult, but I promise it's not! This is in no way misogynistic. I love cattle and ever since I took animal science in highschool, I have appreciated these grass puppies like they deserve. Call me Castro because I love cows.

Yup! I chose a Cow for her. Specifically a beef cow. That might sound weird but its because beef cows have higher maternal instinct than dairy cows. I'm thinking Scottish Highland based on vibes alone.

They are nicknamed the Gentle Giants of Scotland. Super maternal and sweet and ugh look how cute they are!

Esme came from a abusive marriage and had just lost her child, she was depressed and desperate. Her changing was, in a way, salvation. She just fits in. She adopts all these strays along with him and will protect them to the death. She might be gentle by nature, but don't fuck with her family. She lost her first one and she isn't going to lose this one.

Alice: She's an odd one. There are so many possibilities and maybe I'm biased, but I feel like she would be a Crow.

Ok listen, I'm definitely biased but it just feels right. Crows get a bad rap, they are so cool! They are so intelligent and have the ability to actually sit and think about the past, prest, and future. I forget what its called, but this was only seem in humans! Maybe other apes, I can't remember exactly, but either way its awesome. They do live in groups, or murders, and remember people and faces. They remember locations and are able to pass down information through generations. They essentially have their own language! They are able to use tools too!

Alice's story is really sad. When we first meets her, it revolves around the death of her mother and her institutionalized. She was essentially tortured and forgot everything from her past. All she had was the future and even that wasn't constant. Crows a often viewed as omens, they are associated with death. I personally believe that instead of being the cause, they just know something is going to happen. They are very inquisitive and can be creative.

If you befriend a murder of crows, sometimes, depends or the group, they will bring gifts. Its can range from food to shiny metals and colorful plastic. Hell, I think I've seen a post of one stealing things from people just to gift it to their human.

Alice's love language is gifts. Even if they are focused around fashion, she still goes out of her way to get something that will look good and at least be a little comfortable. By that I mean she tends to forget peoples comfort zones, but she means well.

Jasper: Honestly not to sure what to put for him. I know a predator would be more fitting, but for some reason I can see a donkey working. I know, seems like I'm clowning on the confederate. Fair, but I'm serious about the donkey thing. Honestly, it would be perfect if it wasn't a herbivore. Porcupine would also work.

Being a predator would make more sense. Given his backstory and his characterization, it wouldn't make sense for him to be a prey animal. Usually I wouldn't count this, but given his gore filled past and trouble with the diet, it seemed fitting.

I see him as a Big Cat. Honestly, vamps in general just give cat vibes. Jasper though especially have some cat like qualities, which originates from hunting and being a soldier.

I specifically see him as a Mountain Lion. Aside from him being blonde, he just has the predatory stealth to him. In midnight sun, we see him use his gift to make the nomads overlook him. He's honestly really powerful.

Mountain lions are known for being stealthy with an air of grace and power to them. They are stong animals. And I mean strong. They can jump 40-45 feet.

They're very elusive and quite. They stalk their prey and tend to attack from behind but don't think they won't hold their ground if need be.

Jasper was changed during the Civil War and forced to fight in the Newborn wars. He was a soldier as a human and as a vampire. He's able to feel and manipulate others emotions. He's covered in scars and is very intimidating.

He still struggles with the diet and honestly I hate how the others handle it. Like they have no room to talk. I don't want to defend the confederate but it just pisses me off. He has to deal with his hunger on top of everyone else's. Like damn, besties always on edge! Everyone doubts him which I don't think helps any.

Also, Mountain lions and Cheetahs can purr!

@aquanova99 I'll do a Volturi one too. That one will be fun lmao

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Dangerous Love (Pt. 04 of 13)

Pairing: Bruce Wayne (Batman) X Harley Quinn's sister!Reader

Summary: You're Harley Quinn's sister, Havoc, one of the many villain's of Gotham. But you've been caught, and has been tortured constantly for an year in Belle Reve. But when your think your life can't be anything else than the nightmare you find yourself into, Bruce Wayne, the Batman, takes you in for a project. He has a program to rehabilitate villains, and you're his lab rat. But soon enough confusing feelings start getting in the way. You know falling for Bruce is stupid. But can you keep your heart under control?

Word count: 2.3K

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{Justice League - DC Masterlist}

×

Nightmares

You're looking at the garden, admiring the little white flowers that only blossom at night. You're tired, eyes heavy, but you can't sleep. Some bats are flying down there, and you wonder if they live nearby. A much larger figure passes by, in a blur. Suddenly, the lights go off. Opening the window, you bend over, holding on the bars, to try and see more. Then, you hear a click.

Your head turns at the door. Did it just unlock? Is the system electrical? Then why does Bruce always uses a key? Moving to the door, you slowly turn the handle and... Another click. It's open. Pulling it, you step forward. The silence makes you anxious, and so does the darkness. Looking at the sides, you start walking down the hall.

“Bruce?” You call out, and your voice echoes through the place. You get no response.

Your legs keep moving, taking you downstairs and to the door, which is wide open. Why is Bruce doing this? Is it a test? Or did something happened to him? You shouldn't go. You should–

You're moving, against your will. Why are you moving against your will? Wasn't that the plan? To wait for an opportunity and run away?

The gates are open too, and they're the only thing you can see in the darkness. The next thing you know is that you're on the streets. Empty streets, no lights on. You're taking the way to the abandoned mall you claimed, taking all the right entrances and the elevator that leads to the underground. Your old house.

You walk through the garage, among the many cars you own. Reaching your private headquarters, you see piles of money. The jewels too, more shiny than usual.

“Is anyone here?” The place doesn't seem abandoned. You know they're still working for you, even after all that time in prison. They wouldn't dare to abandon you.

“Look who's back.” Your sister comes out of nowhere, followed by her boyfriend, the Joker. “Where were you, little sis?”

“I got out.” You could tell them the truth, that Batman held you hostage. But you don't want them to retaliate. “What are you doing here? You're not supposed to come uninvited.”

There's something in the air, in the atmosphere. It's so cold and and dark, like you're drowning in it. A weird feeling builds up as if you need to go home. But this is home, the only home you ever had.

What are you doing here? You made a promise not to run away. Bruce told you he'd help, so why did he let you get out? Why did he let the doors open?

“We know everything, dear." Joker sing songs, pacing around you. “The Batsy broke you down... Or should I say, Bruce Wayne?”

“What?” How does he know that? “I was in prison. Belle Reve. I got out.” You repeat, turning on your heels to look Joker in the eye.

“And now you're back home,” Harley exclaims, hugging you. “Enjoy yourself, sis. This is who you are. Have fun, steal what you crave for, and then, one day, they will just get you again.”

“Thanks to you, I know who Batsy is.” Joke speaks again, getting your attention. “I can attack him in bright daylight. When he's vulnerable, away from his toys.”

“You know you'll go back there right? The paradise on Earth.” Harley starts again. “They always manage to find us. And once they do, the torture is tuned all the way up.”

“Shut up, Harley.” You burst out.

“I will make sure to tell Batman you helped me. I may even bring his head here so you can use it as a decoration.”

“Shut up!” You're covering your ears, trying to understand what happened. What you did. You didn't tell anyone about Bruce. You know you didn't. “Shut up!”

“You're going back to Belle Reve, sis. We always do. We'll die there.”

“Batman's blood is in your hands, Havoc. Upon his death, we will rule Gotham.”

“Shut up!”

You sit up abruptly, just as the door is being open. Breathing fast, you run to the bathroom before Alfred comes in. Closing the door behind your back, you slide to the floor, hands on your head. “It was just a dream. Just a dream.” You mumble to yourself. Why did it scare you so much? You shouldn't be sleeping. “I won't go back. It was just a dream. Just a dream...”

A knock on the door startles you. “(Y/N)?”

It isn't Alfred, it's Bruce. With your heart pounding against your chest, you stumble up, opening the door and almost collapsing against his chest when you step out. He looks down at you, worried.

“Hi,” you whisper, stepping back.

“You look terrified. What happened?” He touches your arm, guiding you to sit on the bed. Behind him, you see a cart with lunch.

“I fell asleep. I shouldn't, I... I had a nightmare. No big deal.” As you move closer to the headboard, you see a book on the nightstand. “What's that?” Taking it, you read the cover. Game Of Thrones.

“I decided to bring you that. So you'll have something to do.” Bruce sits on the bed, hesitantly. “It has some violence, but I think you can deal with that.”

“Isn't there a TV show about it?”

“I'll stream if for you once you finish the book.”

“Ok.” It's good to finally have something to do. Opening the book, you look through the first pages.

“Why did you say you shouldn't sleep?” He inquires. Shaking your head slightly, you don't answer. “(Y/N).”

“Hm?” Looking up from the book, you meet his eyes. Why is he so worried?

“Won't you answer me?”

“I don't like sleeping.” Shrugging your shoulders, you sustain his stare. Bruce has nice eyes, and they're kind. You can't remember the last time someone looked at you like this. “The nightmares are constant so... I take naps. Whenever I feel like I'm falling asleep I get up. I don't sleep for more than three hours every night.”

“And what do you do up all night?”

“Nothing. I stare at the ceiling. The garden... Did you know that the little white flowers only blossom at night?” Smiling, you put the book down and move to the window. The garden is beautiful. You grow mesmerized by it every day. The flowers and threes are amazing.

“(Y/N), you need to sleep. To rest.” Bruce walks over you, touching your arm to get your attention. “Do you want something to help?”

“I'm used to my sleep schedule, don't worry.” You meet his eyes for a few seconds before looking through the window again. “I saw some people there a few days ago.”

“An interview. Now go eat.” Bruce brings the cart as you sit in the armchair. Sweet potato soup, your favorite.

He shouldn't be here for lunch, though. “Shouldn't you be at work?”

His expression changes, and he looks sad. “It's Saturday.”

“Oh... And don't you have a girlfriend or something?” The question comes out suddenly, before you even notice what you said. That's the bad part of being honest all the time, you lost the ability to control your thoughts.

“No, I don't have anyone at the moment. Why?”

“Because it's Saturday. You should be with her.” In the back of your mind, the figure of Bruce with a woman in his arm, going to dinners, smiling and chatting, bothers you. You don't understand why. It's only natural. A handsome man like Bruce probably has a lot of women chasing him. Being rich only makes it worse.

“Don't worry. I'm all yours today.”

That makes you giggle, looking down at the soup. “The therapy session will be long then.”

As usual, Bruce waits until you're done eating. You're growing used to his presence, and sometimes you think you're even a little excited to see him. It's unbelievable how gentle he is. Nobody was ever gentle to you. It's weird how you're failing to look for an opportunity to run away. You're just not thinking about this anymore.

When you're done, you push the cart away, holding your glass of soda. “So... What are we talking about today?”

“I have news. And I need you to tell me how you feel about them.” Bruce is serious now, all professional. Did you do something? Why does he seem so distant?

“Alright.”

“Yesterday night I found the Joker.” He begins, eyes focused on you, reading your face. “He almost managed to run away, but one of his bombs went off before the time, while he was close. He blew up, thrown into the air, and when he fell, he broke his spine. There's a chance Joker won't ever walk again.”

You don't know what he wants you to say. People tend to connect you to the Joker, even though you haven't worked with him in years. You're more like enemies now. “Well, that's too bad for him. And for Harley. She'll be heartbroken.”

“What about you?”

“I won't say I'm happy about it, I'm just... I don't feel anything.”

“Have you and the Joker ever been in any kind of... Relationship?”

That's new. “No. He kissed me once, to make Harley jealous, but I kicked him in the balls for it.” The memory makes you smile. His face was priceless. “He did make some... propositions, but I never accepted.”

“Why?” Bruce seems very interested in this. What are you thinking? He's just trying to understand and help you. Nothing more.

“Because he wasn't my type,” you say with a smirk.

“Does that mean other men made the same kind of propositions and you accepted?”

“What? No!” You exclaim, putting the empty glass on the cart. “I... I'm not...”

“See? When you don't say the truth, I can make any assumptions.” He leans forward, as he usually does. You're not sure why, but you mirror his position, looking into his eyes. “The truth, please.”

“Well, it's true that he's not my type, but... In my world, love is dangerous. You have lots of enemies and having someone you care about gives them a weak spot. So I never really gave me or... Love... A chance.” It's funny how easy it feels to open up to Bruce now. It doesn't mean you enjoy saying these things, they're supposed to be a secret, but with time, you're getting used to it. He has an effect on you, this man.

“For some people, there's no need for love in some... Situations.”

“For some people, yes. For me... It would never feel right.” You move back again, looking down at the sunlight coming through the window, on the floor between you and Bruce.

“(Y/N), I know the guards used to beat you. But did they ever... Assaulted you any other way?” The heaviness in his voice is tangible. Bruce is angry, worried.

“No. Never.” You're quick to answer, and he soon seems to relax. “Everything they feel for me is disgust, thank God. That... Never happened. They only touch me to beat me up.”

“I'm... Happy to know that. A pretty girl like you... I couldn't help but wonder if they ever tried something so filthy.”

“Woman.” You correct him as usual, the word pretty burning through your mind. Does he really think you're pretty?

“Woman. Forgive me.” A smile. A smile comes to his lips and you're mesmerized. He's so handsome, and now even more.

“I like your smile,” you tell him, biting back a smile yourself. “Didn't know Batman had this ability.”

“You're improving.”

“Am I?” It comes to your mind suddenly, that he brought you here to prove a point. “I'm happy your project is going well.” Running a hand through your hair, you get up, moving to the bed.

“I don't think of you as a project.”

“Really?” You don't believe him. “Sometimes I wonder what will be my fate after this. You say you can put me back into the normal world, but I'm not sure I believe it... I think that I'll end up in Belle Reve. And it'll be even worse because now I'm used to all this.” Gesturing at the room in general, you look at him. “Comfortable bed, nice showers, beauty products... Not being hurt every single day.”

Going back to Belle Reve would break you down, you think. The villain in you says that you can take it, all over again if needed, but the other part... Tells you otherwise. The very thought of your old cell is enough to make you shake like a leaf.

“I will never let you go back there,” Bruce speaks up, intense eyes on you, burning. “Never.”

“Keep me here then... If that's what it takes. I don't mind.” You can barely hear your own voice. You can't believe you just said that, that you would be ok being here for the rest of your life. But if your options are this room or cell 304B, you'd pick this room.

“Let's see how things go. There's no need to rush.”

Nodding, you continue telling him about your connections with the Joker, and about the many times you were at war against each other. After dinner, you ask for a pencil or pen, so you can underline the parts you like in the book. Bruce brings you a blue pen before wishing goodnight and telling you to try and sleep well.

But you can't. It's 2 a.m. and you're reading. You find a blank page in the book, so you rip it off and decide to draw. It's been years since you've drawn, and you're not really sure what you're doing. A few hours go by until you're finished with it. Bruce. You just drew Bruce Wayne. You stare at his features. His eyes, nose, jaw... Lips. Folding the paper, you decide to use it as a bookmark. He won't find out if you keep it inside the book.

×

@redwolf-7 @glitterypinkkitty @mybabyboytony @chipster-21 @agustdpeach @yaakimoon2

[andillwriteyouatragedy]

I'm in love with your pieces involving babies, they're so dang soft, can I request trans!90s Eddie and Richie fussing over him bc they're about to have a baby? Thank~

Richie knows he can be a little bit of an anxious guy.

He takes medication, and he goes to therapy, and he smokes weed, and he’s good. Done and dusted, he’s all set and just fine to go about his day. Every now and then, he’s hit with a particularly rough day, but who isn’t?

That being said, he’s had more tiny panic attacks in the last few months than he knows what to do with, and no amount of marijuana or appointments with his therapists are capable of stopping that. Every time Eddie feels sick, Richie’s terrified; Eddie feels faint, Richie nearly has a stroke. It’s overwhelming, and it’s probably the most frightening experience of his life. He’s excited, too, he is, he’s just— He’ll be more excited when the baby’s here, and Eddie’s not so sick all the time, as happy as he is that Eddie’s having a baby at all.

Richie holds his breath so he can hear better, still lying in bed. Eddie had darted out of bed minutes ago without a word, but Richie hadn’t heard anything since.

As if he’s summoned the bad luck with his mind, he hears Eddie cough from their master bathroom. He’s already scrambling out of bed when Eddie starts to retch.

Richie falls to his knees beside Eddie on the bathroom floor, dropping arm arm around his shoulders to hold him upright. Eddie’s one hand grips the rim of the toilet tightly with white knuckles; softly, Richie strokes his hair back from his face, pressing his palm to his forehead and holding his head up for him as he spits weakly into the water.

“Go back to bed, Richie,” Eddie says, chest heaving. “I’m fine.”

“It’s okay,” Richie tells him. “I’m good, really, I’d honestly rather be here.”

Eddie huffs a half-laugh, leaning his face into his upper arm. With gentle hands, Richie grips him by the shoulders and tips him backwards, until his back is against Richie’s chest and he can rest there, propped half-upright, supported by one of Richie’s arms. His free hand flushes the toilet for Eddie before he tears off a square of toilet paper to clean his face with.

“If this were you,” Eddie mumbles tiredly, “I’d be so much worse at taking care of you.”

“Shh,” Richie shushes him. “Don’t you worry about that, that’s nonsense. You take plenty good care of me.”

“Not when you’re sick,” Eddie tells him. He sniffles, then shifts to bury his face in Richie’s bare chest, hand fisting up in the drawstring on his pajama pants. His fingers wrap up and tangle in the strings, eyes focused down on the web he’s making. “What if the baby gets sick and— and all I do is freak out? You’re going to hate me—”

“Eddie—”

“And the baby is going to—”

“Eddie,” Richie says, more firmly this time, taking Eddie’s chin in his hand and tipping his face up. “The baby’s going to love you more than anything in the world because you’re you, Eds. I’m telling you, it’s impossible not to love you, and you’re their dad. You have got nothing to worry about.”

Eddie sniffles again. When he shifts, his shoulders shake; he tries to drop his eyes again, but Richie keeps hold of his jaw so he can kiss him between the eyes, right above the bridge of his glasses. His skin is slick and salty with sweat, tears smeared under his eyes. When Richie kisses him, though, he relaxes, shivering and slumping into his hold.

“I want to go back to bed,” Eddie tells Richie quietly.

Richie nods, kissing the corner of Eddie’s mouth before he stands. With one arm around Eddie’s waist and the other gripping his wrist, he hoists him up to his feet, keeps him steady.

“God, I feel terrible,” Eddie admits quietly. He lets Richie help him to the sink so he can rinse his mouth out and wash his face with cold water. 

“You should shower or something,” Richie says, combing his fingers through Eddie’s sweat-damp curls. “You look like shit.” Eddie glares at him in the mirror reflection. “No offense, baby. You know I think you look hot.”

“Yeah, you think I do,” Eddie murmurs. His eyes drift back to himself in the mirror, slipping down his own body. Richie slips behind him and runs his hands over Eddie’s sides, up and over the swell of his belly. Tipping his head back into Richie’s shoulder, Eddie sighs, letting his eyes drift up to the ceiling instead.

“I know you do,” Richie amends. He kisses Eddie’s temple, getting a mouthful of hair for his troubles. Smiling, he adds, “The hottest guy alive is my husband, and he’s having my baby. You’d have to be crazy to think you don’t look good.”

“Be that as it may,” Eddie mumbles, smiling into Richie’s throat, “I don’t feel good.”

“Let’s get you back to bed, honey,” Richie says, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s cheek before he turns him away from the sink. He all but carries him back to their bedroom, Eddie leaning half of his weight on Richie and Richie taking on most of the rest of his own accord, and lowers him as gingerly as he can back down on his side of the bed. He cups the back of Eddie’s head to guide him to rest it on his pillow, softly slipping his fingers out from underneath once he was laying down.

“Thanks,” Eddie tells him tiredly. He motions for the spot beside him, patting Richie’s side of the bed with searching fingers. “Your turn.”

“Well, don’t mind if I do,” Richie says. He hesitates, looking over his shoulder, then says, “But maybe I should grab you—”

“I just want to sleep, Rich,” Eddie says, voice muffled by his pillow. He lifts his head a bit to tell Richie, “I’ll be okay once I’ve rested a bit. Come back to bed.”

Richie still hesitates another moment before he decides to take Eddie at his word. He can always get him crackers and saltines later, and medicine if he needs it, maybe, or he’ll need—

“Richie,” Eddie says, as forcefully as he can manage. His glasses are crooked on his face, smushed into the left side of his nose from being pressed into the pillow.

“Okay, alright,” Richie allows. He sits on the edge of their bed, leaning over Eddie to pull his glasses off for him. They join the rest of Eddie’s odds and ends on his nightstand in their regular spot beside his lamp; Richie snaps that off next before taking his place beside Eddie against the headboard.

Eddie shifts into him automatically, pushing at Richie’s chest and his limbs until he can maneuver him into a position he considers comfortable. He winds his arm around Richie, belly resting on Richie’s, legs hooked up and bent around his, tangled up together. Richie kisses the top of his head, then closes his eyes there, burying his face in Eddie’s hair.

“How you feeling?” Richie asks.

“Better now,” Eddie says, muffled, voice caught up in Richie’s chest.

“Do you need anything?” Richie asks. “Maybe I could get you some water so you—”

“Richie,” Eddie interrupts him sleepily. “I love you, sweetheart, I really do. You know I do. But if you keep fussing over me, I’m going to gag you, honey, I swear I will.”

Richie snorts, choking on a laugh that catches in his throat with surprise. He can feel Eddie’s smile where it’s pressed to his chest, proud at having made Richie laugh, so he clutches Eddie’s head in his hands and firmly kisses the crown.

“Sorry,” Richie murmurs there. Eddie yawns, jaw cracking over Richie’s heart. When he shifts again, his head ends up tucked underneath Richie’s chin, snug and secure.

“Don’t be sorry,” Eddie says. “Just— Close your eyes.”

Richie does as he’s told, tipping his head back into their pillows and letting his eyes slip shut. After a few moments of silence, he starts trailing his fingertips up Eddie’s back, slowly, then down again. He keeps tracing the knobs of Eddie’s spine as he begins to hum. It’s barely a tune, and he’s already falling asleep, but Eddie relaxes into him at the sound of it. Richie can feel the warm smile Eddie has pressed into Richie’s throat as he starts falling back asleep.

this fic is also on ao3: stand guard!

[emeto-things]

Small success story! Yesterday was the first time I have been somewhere in literal months, me emet has pushed me into agoraphobia territory for about 4 years now and a while ago I was put on a waiting list to get help (I was on it for 2 years) They finally started helping me but were focusing on my agoraphobia with graded exposure therapy which I felt was pointless because the only reason I have AG is because of Emet and as long as I had that, AG wasn't going away. So yesterday I had to travel to an appointment, it was super hard and I made my dad make multiple stops but I made it there! I actually made it even though my anxiety was through the roof and I was having anxiety n* so my emet was playing up, and at my appointment I was able to vocalise how I was feeling about my current mental health treatment and they actually *listened* to me! For the first time a professional has listened to ME and not my stupid brother or stupid step mum or just brushed me off or lied to my dad about my diagnosis! (I am 22 so the fact I haven't been listened to before is frustrating) and they're starting me on CBT for emet when they can find me the right therapist which should only be a few weeks! I am so excited! I have had emetophobia since I was a child, since I can remember and I am a baby step closer to finally putting myself to work on fixing it! I made it to the appointment and got what I wanted out of it and I am so happy. I'm sorry this is long I just wanted to be able to tell someone who I know would understand just how big this is for me because they know what emet is like because I know my bf and friends are so proud but they don't have AG or emet and I just wanted to share this with people that would get it. This blog has been such a safe space for me and I appreciate you all so much so I wanted to share my happiness with you guys especially because I don't think I could've done it without all the emet knowledge and comfort you guys have brought me so thank you! Oh also! I didn't get a full diagnosis (and wont treat it as such dw) But the lady I met today was telling me I show signs of OCD and the relief to hear that after speculating it for so long because of signs I show and my mum having it and AHH! I am just so happy to feel like I am not insane for wondering if I potentially had OCD and a professional suggested it as something a therapist should look into! So before this gets any LONGER, thank you again for helping be a part of the push to get me better , you have no idea how much I appreciate everyone running this blog <3

Yay I am SO SO happy for you!!! I am also super proud of you too! I hope this really helps you! I promise, it DOES get better!!! Good luck! 🍀❤️ -Kaitlyn

[postmortem-bookworm]

Bright - Bucky Barnes - Part Three

Fandom: Avengers

Type: Series

Word Count: 2,044

Character(s): Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers, Shuri, T'Challa

Warning(s): Cussing, Mentions of attempted suicide (but shouldn’t be anything triggering), smut (maybe), mentions of X-Men, Steve is crushing

A/N: This picks up almost right after Black Panther, but before Bucky is awake, there is no Thanos, and everyone is alive.

Two weeks after Bucky's settled in as her neighbor, something changes in her. Her days go from being busy with painting, gardening, assisting Bucky with whatever he needs, and spending time with Shuri and her family, to slower, lounging in the bed, restlessly sleeping in, or waking throughout the night with terror pulsing in her veins, and sweat sickeningly coating her skin with ice. If Bucky notices the raw skin from her 3 am scrubs, or her blood shot eyes from crying throughout the night, he's nice enough not to mention it. He merely seems to make sure that she's more occupied than normal, which she comes to be frustrated at, seeing as she was the one who was asked to look over him, not the reverse.

It gets worse the night that Bucky comes charging into her hut at her blood curdling screams, the room shaking, finding her floating above her bed, her nose is practically brushing the ceiling as she thrashes, clawing at her skin with blunt nails, screaming for Logan and Storm, begging for help. "Shh, Maeve." He hushes her as he pulls her back down to the sheets, carefully dodging her flying fists as he tucks her back into the sheets, and leans beside her on the bed to shake her awake.

"Mm." She slowly blinks her eyes open, frowning as she looks up to see him above her. "B-Bucky?" She asks in confusion, before her eyes snap open as she sits straight up in panic, looking around her as he eyes land on him. "Oh no. Oh no!" She cries as she crosses her arms over her knees, resting her forehead against them.

"It's alright." He promises, rubbing her shoulder as he moves from the floor to sit on the edge of the bed. "It's not your fault." His tone is soft and understanding, but she just feels worse as she clutches her knees closer to her chest. "Hey," He grabs her shoulder, causing her to look over at him. "this is not your fault. I've had my fair share of night terrors." She guilty nods as she swallows against the lump in her throat, feeling the insides of her wrists, where the scars, that she never remembered getting, are currently scored deeply into her skin. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shakes her head, before pausing as she looks at him, then nods her head instead, causing him to smile softly as he nods, shifting closer to her.

"When I was studying in the special school for my powers, I was battling this rival anti-humans mutant league group." She casts a glance at Bucky, who nods to show he's following along. "They were insistent that mutants are superior, and deserve a place high above humanity, to rule over them." Another glance to make sure he's following along. "Magneto was their leader, and he discovered just how strong my abilities were, and he sent his strongest minions to capture me. I was essentially like you, a POW." He frowns at that, glancing over her with a sad look in his eyes. "There are bits and pieces that I remember, because another mutant, the headmaster of the school, put mental stints in my head to block my memories." She pauses, shivering as the memories and thoughts race through her mind, and Bucky rubs her shoulder again with his warm, large hand.

"It's alright." He promises, causing her to swallow thickly as she nods, focusing on nothing before her.

"The stints were taken out over time, but he forgot a few. Now they're basically breaking open from the memories pushing on them, wanting to come out, and so they're all rushing out at once." He hums to show he's following as she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "Professor Xavier, the school's headmaster, explained that I was about as lifeless as a corpse when the found me. The torture they inflected upon me, the power Magneto flaunted, made me crack and break and shatter in every way possible." She runs her fingers up and down the scars on her forearms. "I have one memory, when they took me back to the school. They left me alone in the infirmary to talk outside the door, and I grabbed a scalpel and just started digging it into my wrists and arms... By the time they had realized it, Storm was afraid I wouldn't make it."

"Maeve..." His tone is sorrowful, and she sniffles as she reaches up to wipe her tears from her cheeks, shaking her head.

"I-" Her voice cracks, causing her to wince as she sniffles, and gives a rueful smile. "I wanted to die- I needed to die, after what I had done." She whispers, voice hoarse as he frowns. Drawing her knees to her chest, she grips her hair at the roots, elbows digging into her knees as she fists her curls. "I remember the torture, th-the methods they used to make me do their bidding. I killed people, I killed my people! Not just humans." She slams her head into her palms, as if the self-flagellation would drive the memories from her head.

"Hey! Hey!" Bucky quickly grabs her hands, holding them away from her by her wrists, with one hand, while the other pets her hair from her sweaty face as she heaves for air. "This isn't the first time you've had nightmares, is it?" He asks once she's started to calm down.

"No." She grinds out between short breathes, struggling against his grip on her hands, the memories of the deaths she committed as playing before her eyes.

"No no no." He pets her hair again, soothing her as she sniffles, feeling a mess of herself as she sobs into his chest. His hand moves from her tangled hair, to her shoulder, thumb rubbing circles into her shoulder. "It's ok," He murmurs. "I've been through this before, only it was me in your place." He pets her hair again, and the two of them sit on the bad as she sobs. "You weren't in charge of your actions, when you did those things, Maeve. They were the actions of the ones that controlled you." He whispers.

"But I still see them, every time I close my eyes." She whispers, causing Bucky to nod as he holds her. "The blood. The screams. I can't handle it anymore!" She tries to tug her hands free again, but his hold is as firm as the metal his hand is made from.

"You can't believe it is your fault," He says as she sniffles. "you were manipulated and tortured, they used your pain to make you listen to them. They used it to control you." He slowly let's go of her wrists as she stops fighting against his hold. "The only thing you're responsible for, is forgiving yourself." He completely releases her wrists, moving his arm from her shoulder to her waist, and moving his other hand to caress her hair. "Listen, it's been a long night, why don't you get some sleep, and we'll go see Shuri tomorrow and see if she can be of any help with your memories." He offers as she nods, rubbing her teary eyes, and he pets her hand, moving to stand as she looks up at him.

"Thank you for your help, Bucky." Her voice is weak, causing him to look down at her softly.

"It's alright." He pauses to kneel down before her, taking her hands in his to look up into her eyes. "It'll be alright, Maeve. I promise to be here for you, I made a promise."

"Y-You made a promise?" Her question causes him to chuckle. "To who?" He gives her a toothy grin.

"The punk made me promise." He pats her head, before he stands up. "Steve mentioned that he and Natasha will be here tomorrow afternoon, so you get some sleep." He pats her head again, walking out of the hut with the door shut behind her, and she takes a few large, deep breaths before curling up under the blanket, falling asleep.

Shuri is walking down towards the landing pad with Maeve, the two of them had just been talking about starting therapy for Maeve, and finding a good match for her. The Quinjet has already landed by the time the two of them reach the outside door hanger, Bucky is lingering by the Quinjet as the door opens, and Steve and Natasha climb down the ramp. Shuri smiles as the two of them exit the castle, the soldier that was chatting with Bucky, looks up to smile as Maeve walks down the steps towards the landing pad. Steve pats Bucky on the back, before he jogs towards Maeve, sweeping her up in a hug as soon as she's in reach to greet him, her hands resting on his shoulder. "Steve!" She lets out a laugh, her chest feels light from Steve's strong emotions.

"Ah, doll, I missed you!" He says with a large grin on his face, before he leans in to kiss her cheek. Her cheeks start to burn as she taps his shoulder, letting her down as he sighs sadly.

"I'm glad to see you again." She grins as she reaches up to rub his cheek. "You let that scruff grow, I see." She teases as he reaches up to cover her hand with with own, grinning down at her.

"I decided to give it a try." He jokes, smiling down at her. Bucky is watching Steve and Maeve from afar, his eyes carefully scrutinizing how the two of them are interacting. Natasha is chatting with Shuri off to the right of him, but he's not hearing anything that's being said as he watches Steve's face morph and change while talking to Maeve, a smile crawling across his own.

"Well, I'll be damned." He chuckles to himself as the two of them walk over, and Maeve gives a slight skip as she runs over, a small squeal escaping her, as she goes right past him with her arms spread. Right into Natasha's arms as the ex-assassin laughs, hugging her back.

"I missed ya, Sis!" Maeve laughs, spinning around with Natasha, who hugs her close.

"I missed you too, sis." Natasha smiles brightly as she tugs Maeve over to the nearby bench, and the two of them sit and talk about everything that's happened since they've parted, while Bucky walks over to his best friend.

"Hey, Punk." Bucky says, nudging Steve in the arm, who looks at him for the first time, drawing his gaze from the burgundy haired young woman.

"Hey Buck." Steve says, looking back at the two women chattering together as Bucky smirks.

"You seem to have your eye on someone over there." Steve glances at him as he tucks his hands into his pockets. "Is that the reason why you asked me to watch out for her?" Bucky inquires as Steve's cheeks turn ruddy, and he looks down, toeing the platform. "Haven't seen you into a dame since Sharon Carter."

"Sharon and I weren't that serious." Steve huffs, causing Bucky to laugh.

"Yeah, because you already had eyes for Maeve." Bucky points out, causing Steve to look sheepish.

"That noticable?" He asks, causing Bucky to nod. "I guess I should dial it back, huh?" Bucky let's out a snort as the girls walk over together, laughing and smiling together.

"Don't forget, Maeve is an Empath." He points out, causing Steve to groan as he rubs his cheek. "You forgot." The girls stop before them.

"Steve forgot what?" Maeve asks with a bright smile on her face, causing Bucky to start laughing.

"His mind!" Bucky crows, causing her to laugh as Steve slaps him in the arm, while Natasha shakes her head.

"That was lost in the 1940s." Natasha jokes as she hugs Maeve around the shoulders.

"Maybe Maeve can help you get it back, Punk." Bucky teases as Steve elbows his best friend in the sternum.

"Well, Nat and I are going to have a day out. Want to come along, boys?" Maeve offers causing Steve to smile brightly, his eyes brightening as well. Bucky finds himself smiling despite himself, happy at his friend's happiness.

"Sure."