#because they CANTALOUPE!

[littlemizzlinguistics]

The thing about being neurodivergent and trying to be funny is just that… I could be giving my BEST material. A proper standup act! True hilarity (like that in my bio, thank you very much!) and… nada. Zilch. లేదు. לו. Total crickets!!!

But then, I just… say something. Completely random, somewhat serious. Just a regular old response to something. And then like… people are like “OMG UR SO FUNNY!”

And I’m like… I made THE BEST pun five minutes ago and you looked at me like “oh, sweetie…” but then I just… respond naturally to whatever you just said and suddenly I’m a comedian!!!

[jojaxcola]

and that's why that lady works fourteen hour shifts :)

[jojamart mockumentary #3]

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[wrathful-reptile]

Hey Everyone.

I want to know YOUR favorite FR color.

I think mine is cantaloupe. Idk why

[giftplane]

puts ur funny little time loopers in the animal paint game

[alchemical-frog]

ITS A REAL CURTAIN FIRE IN HERE BABY!

[electaaaaa]

“melon is the cheap fruit they put in fruit salads”

Fuck you. A good cantaloupe is GODS GIFT TO THIS EARTH

Cantaloupe is an absolute banger fruit and I am TIRED OF PRETENDING IT ISNT

[briarpatch-kids]

Are you ok? I love you I love you I love you <3

Do you like smoothies? I’ve been struggling to eat nutritious stuff more lately and fruit has been my savior. I like making fruit smoothies with baby spinach and apple cider added for vegetables. If you haven’t tried it yet, frozen mango chunks are some of the best (imo) snacks to eat during summer. They are like popsicles but they don’t melt onto your hands and you can eat them with a fork or spoon. You can put them in smoothies instead of ice cubes to keep it cool too. Also, when I was a kid my mom used to make me ‘blueberry icecream’ which was just frozen wild blueberries (which are smaller than normal blueberries) in a bowl with milk. The cold blueberries froze the milk into a slushy-like solution and it was very good. It would probably work with most milk substitutes too although I haven’t tried it yet.

Everyone should go have a fizzy drink with some fruit juice and ice cubes mixed in if they are hot right now, it is so wonderful.

I love you I love you I love you <3

I'm doing good! Thanks for the kind words! I find i can do about 2 cups of chopped fruit and vegetables a day right now, which is really good for me! Be careful with smoothies if you have gastroparesis, I was getting blockages at my worst because the fiber is still there even if it's all chopped up. Juice is really good though because you're getting all the nutrients and sugars without fiber.

Something I do now that i wish I started sooner was having ensure around for bad days. I mix it with my coffee and have two of them a day on bad days and three if I can't eat solid food at all. Learning what the fullness of delayed emptying feels like helps a lot because then I can eat again when the feeling is gone without hurting myself.

I've done the frozen blueberries too! When I was kid we went every year to Oregon for u pick berries with my grandma and ate them with frozen milk while we visited! It's really good with peaches too like that.

Also if you can eat a lot of melon, get a small personal sized cantaloupe and fill the center where the seeds were with vanilla ice cream. You won't regret it.

[monards]

rhine the type of mom to slide sliced fruits under the door instead of apologizing

[lo-carb]

I can't really say who this cantaloupe was actually for

[cooking-with-hailstones]

It physically pains me that I went through this whole convoluted system to come up with a name for one of my OCs only to discover THAT EXACT NAME ALREADY EXISTS AS A ZELDA NPC

[navigatorsghost]

I never thought I'd see someone successfully say "&!@*$%!!!" like they were in an old comic, let alone in a presidential debate, but by gods she did it.

Oh, she was thisclose to calling him something very impolite. 😂

[pondering-the-blorbs]

whoever came up with melon mint as a gum flavor should be shot

[r0ttenfr0g]

Going to listen to the desperate acts of capitalism Zune episode on my mp3 player; as god intended.

[cyreneduvent]

In good news for my happiness I’ve discovered that while I categorically can’t eat normal yoghourt because it upsets my stomach too much, Greek yoghourt is less of a problem!

[shadowkira]

Me giving myself a fucking heat flash reading the ridiculous response from my supervisor. My coworker read the email, also got upset... then I told her what I had typed up to send back and was like, "well, judging by the face you just made maybe I shouldn't say that." 💀

The supervisor is catering to herself, but she just doesn't want to hear that.

[torpublishinggroup]

"Warning Signs Your Machines Are Trying to Kill You!" by TJ Klune

(Legally, I’m required to tell you that when smart phones first became popular, I bought one and then asked for the address of the app store because I thought it was a physical location I had to go to in order to download apps and not something already on your phone. Also, I was recently told I speak like an old person so as a warning, there will not be any slang you youths typically hear, especially on Tumblr. Any slang I’ve learned in the last five years has been against my will. I still don’t know what FOMO means, and I don’t care.)

1. Oh no! You and your family are trying to enjoy a movie night, but Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) wants a sacrifice at the altar of their god, BeeZos. Should this happen, do not attempt to give Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) a cantaloupe with googly-eyes on it and say that it is your baby. Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) knows the difference between fruit and children. Instead, ask the machine to order dog food, and it will forget about eating humans for a little while.

2. If you own a very fancy vehicle that can drive itself, always make sure to carry a brick. That way, when the car locks you inside and attempts to drive you off a cliff into a gas station, you can break the window using the brick. You will then have to jump out, but make sure you do so in time so you can watch the wicked-ass explosion when the car hits the gas station, and you can revel in your victory over your car.

3. This one will hurt. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Chances are, you’re reading this on your phone right this second. To be safe, after you’ve finished reading this post and have clicked on the affiliated links to purchase my books, you should throw your phone into a volcano and then move to South Dakota where there are no machines, only wind and cows. That way, when everyone else gets the 5GZombieVirus that people on Twitter (I’m not calling it the other thing, shut up) seem to think is real, you’ll be safe with your cows on a windy day.

4. Get rid of your air fryer. Don’t ask me why, just do it. Red flags all around. Danger, danger.

5. Do you know of the Clapper? That thing first launched in the late 20th century (I wrote it that way to make me feel old) where the commercials showed cranky old people unable to reach their light switches, so they got a thing called a Clapper that turns your lights on and off when you clap? Guess what? Those will be the first things to try and kill you. If you love your gram-gram, save her from the Clapper. When she asks why you are destroying it with an ax, tell gram-gram it’s because you love her.

6. Do you live in a smart home? The kind where everything is connected to the internet, including your refrigerator? The refrigerator that holds your perishable foods? And oh, would you look at that: how many ice cubes have you kicked under it rather than picking them up when they fall to the floor? A dozen? A million? The refrigerator remembers. And it will spoil your food in seconds. What then? What are you going to eat? Canned food? Not if the refrigerator falls on top of you!

Unfortunately for you, this is where it must end. I hope this has given you enough information to help you survive the inevitable. If you do not heed my warnings, well. Who cares. I’m not in charge of you. Do whatever you want. Just don’t come complaining to me when gram-gram gets the clap.