#because there’s somewhat concrete ideas of his whole deal and where his story goes

[nightshademyn]

“Some people act mean at first

'Cause they're too afraid to feel

It's survival, it's protection

That's why roses grow their thorns”

Hi hello sharing my OCs on my blog again. His name is Autumn and I prommy he’s a good guy under all the prickly thorny tendencies

[bleachbleachbleach]

[Bleach 129]

I am the kind of person who will latch onto one thing one character said one time and gnaw on it compulsively like it’s some kind of diction dog toy. These panels are fairly innocuous, relative to what comes immediately before and after them (that is, Matsumoto’s dream about her and Ichimaru’s origin story, followed by news of Hinamori’s jailbreak). But they’re also the first time we see Hitsugaya and Matsumoto really interact. 

In fact, we see Hitsugaya interact with Ichimaru (throwing out death threats) and Matsumoto interact with Hinamori (handing over contraband) before we get to see Hitsugaya and Matsumoto interacting with each other. We’re being introduced to them with these two other important people already in the mix.

What might we glean about Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, before we get to the Ichimaru bit? Across the board, Hitsugaya’s speech generally isn’t that formal, because he’s a boy in a shounen manga and he’s also the boss, so there’s less of a requirement, but I also think there’s an intimacy being shorthanded here. He could be less incredibly casual, pull a Byakuya and just use plain neutral language to address his subordinate, Matsumoto, but Hitsugaya also just did an entire ream of paperwork while she stress-napped in the office. He tells her, 構わん (kamawan, it doesn’t matter), using a shortened/masculine/superior’s form of 構わない (kamawanai). When describing Ichimaru and Hinamori’s altercation, he uses the phrase モメ方すりゃ(momekatasurya), the ending of which is a shortened/masculine/colloquial version of -すれば (sureba). Additionally, this phrase is made more casual/emphatic by using katakana instead of kanji [揉め becomes モメ]. We don’t know them yet, but we’re being asked to know them. We have about thirty seconds and two lines to do so: Syllables drop out and close the distance between them.

Despite this, Hitsugaya still seems to have a dim understanding of who Ichimaru might be to Matsumoto. His full line goes something like, 

Seeing your cohortmate and junior in conflict like that would probably be trying for you, too.

Hitsugaya refers to neither Ichimaru nor Hinamori by name. Instead, Ichimaru is "douki," or cohortmate, and Hinamori is "kouhai" (junior cohort). Which, knowing what we know about Ichimaru and Matsumoto’s whole deal, feels like a somewhat inadequate way to describe it. XDDD The whole sentence is couched in the epistemic mood; Hitsugaya seems a little unwilling to assert anything concrete. Maybe Hitsugaya is trying to split the difference and be sympathetic while also not making assumptions, hence "douki" instead of “friend,” or “past lover” or “your version of a Hinamori, maybe...?”

This is where I go full doggy toy, because also like, what if we take Hitsugaya at his word here and accept that this is not as convoluted as it sounds, because douki is actually a meaningful and relevant relation within the Gotei? 

The Viz translation is more natural than what I offered above (I mean, outside of the decision to refer to Ichimaru as "Gin" in the same breath as Hinamori is “Hinamori”―bold move, Captain Tôshirô!). "Your classmate Gin" still feels weird, though, because in an English-speaking context that kind of makes it sound like Hitsugaya’s throwing it back all the way to like, school classes at the Academy. But you can have Work Douki, as many large companies will welcome an incoming "class" of new employees who are entering the company at the same time. ...Of course, Matsumoto and Ichimaru did not actually… join the Gotei at the same time, either. Maybe they’re close enough, in the scheme of the thousands of years a shinigami might work for the Gotei. Though this would imply that Hitsugaya’s douki are RenjiKiraHinamori(Rukia), which I doubt is something he’d claim.

So I’m kind of taken by the idea that douki could have a looser literal meaning in the Gotei, and is one of the forms of relation that aims to capture a shinigami’s social affinities outside of one’s official seated rank.

Usually, the Gotei is all about rank, rank, rank. But we know there’s also Seireitei vs. Rukongai; there’s gender; there’s degree of nobility; there’s age. These things all matter―if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have a Shinigami Women’s Association; Hitsugaya’s life would probably be easier; the Kuchiki would pitch an absolute fit because of course degrees of nobility matter. Maybe having douki helps recapture the age/experience aspect of a shinigami’s understanding of self/relation, which might otherwise be wholly subsumed by rank.

If douki really is a meaningful aspect of shinigami life, Matsumoto could, say, have a social identity with the 10th, with the VCs, with the SWA, with her douki, and also with her miscellaneous friends. I like the idea that she would get to have all five of these things! 

(…All that’s missing is NON-WORK FRIENDS/LOVED ONES…)

I’ve been saying "cohortmate" as a translation for douki, but in my experience in the United States, the cohortmate relationship isn’t quite as compulsorily ride or die as douki are “supposed” to be. For example, there’s a 2004 article in The Japan Times that explains douki as a

"cross between sibling and comrade — the unwritten agreement is that all douki will stick together, whatever happens. / They work together, organize drinking parties, invite each other to their weddings, keep in touch and communicate for decades, often until retirement."

Given that it’s Ichimaru we’re talking about, though, it’s sad, because I don’t think any of those things are actually true of Ichimaru and  Matsumoto’s relationship in the Gotei, except perhaps in the unwritten whisper that it should have been. They should have cultivated this support, shared these memories, expressed this loyalty—they should be ride or die for each other. But they don’t have that—at least, not in any material way Matsumoto feels.

Because in the end, Matsumoto doesn’t know who Ichimaru is, either:

[Bleach 129]

Douki...? / Do you really― That Gin ― Ichimaru-taichou ―

More specifically, she says Ichimaru-taichou no koto (市丸隊長のこと), which softens the object of her thought. She’s talking about Ichimaru, but in the amorphous sense of the kind of person Ichimaru is, his essence, things he’s done, the general idea of him. The question comes out of Hinamori’s accusation about Ichimaru killing Aizen, but I don’t think Matsumoto’s really focused on the hard facts of a murder mystery. She’s asking after her captain’s read of who Ichimaru is. Which is a related but, I think, meaningfully different line of inquiry. 

After all, we don’t actually have a murder mystery to solve, because Aizen isn’t dead.

What we do have are a spiderweb of tested loyalties (between Ichimaru and Kira, Captain to VC; between Kira and Hinamori, as douki; between Kira and Matsumoto, as VCs; Hinamori and Hitsugaya, as childhood friends; Hinamori and Aizen, not as her Captain but ~"as a man"). But not, notably, between Matsumoto and Hitsugaya, even though Hitsugaya and Ichimaru end up very much at odds.

From the beginning, Hitsugaya summons this idea of "douki" into the room, and perhaps that word clarifies all the things Ichimaru is not. 

Maybe it’s then that Matsumoto knew this was going to be the last time she addressed those thoughts in the form of a question.

[Bleach 180]

[coexiising]

Good Neighbors - Chapter One

SUMMARY ✦ You were excited to learn that someone was finally moving into that old house next to your own. The Skywalker-Amidala family seemed like a great addition to your friendly neighborhood, with their two twin kids and happy personalities. Though, the more you get to know your neighbors, the closer you get to the husband of the family: Anakin Skywalker.

WARNING(S) ✦ Modern! Anakin Skywalker, Alternate Universe, Infidelity, Eventual Smut, not so slow burn, Eventual Romance, Neighbors, and they were neighbors, anakin looks so good in a suit, sneaking around, forbidden love

NOTE ✦ I’ve been wanting to write a Modern! Anakin fanfic for a while now, so here we go! This will be a multi chapter fic, I don’t know how many yet but expect a lot because I’ve got some ideas to play out! This chapter is more of an introductory, but expect some more spicy drama in the next coming chapters. 

»»————-　✼　————-««

As tradition goes every year, you could smell the smoke coming from the middle of your neighborhood's culdesac while you made your way outside your garage with your mother, who held a large tray of potato salad in her hands that she insisted she carried herself over to the white tables in the distance. It was hot outside, early July was coming strong this year with the heat, reaching a staggering eighty nine degrees outside and it was already well past noon. Though, you should’ve been expecting the heat, since it seemed to creep up on you every time this yearly cookout happened.

It had been a little tradition, jokingly deemed a ‘holiday’ by your younger brother, that had been going on for as long as you could think back to. You could remember being five years old and running around with the neighborhood kids and jumping into your pool after eating the bountiful amount of food that was supplied for the families that participated. It used to be a handful of them, three or four families that came and had a small little barbeque together. But over time that changed, and now it became a whole neighborhood thing.  

The dads of the block always started earlier to get everything set up, which was really the long white tables where food could be set and setting up the large grill on the pavement. And the moms always slaved away in their kitchens making some type of side dish, whether it be fruit cups, potato salads, or whatever. You were twenty two now, almost done with your undergraduate degree, and you wondered if you would ever find this sense of friendliness anywhere else when you eventually moved from your home. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to leave, it was just more convenient for you to stay and you didn’t mind your family that much. They were supportive, there for you no matter what, and your home was close to your University anyways.

“I wonder if Lisa is going to wear that ugly dress she bought the other day,” Your mother stated, making short, languid strides next to you. “She brought it to the house a few days ago when we were having a little wine date and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was definitely not twenty five anymore and that dress did not hug her in the right places.”

You laughed, jokingly hitting your mom on the shoulder. “Mom, come on, it can’t be that bad.” She didn’t respond, only grinning towards you with a hint of playfulness filling her eyes behind her thick, black sunglasses. Your eyes scanned the crowd already forming, kids on the outside running around with a ball. You knew a lot of them, even held some of them as babies after they were born. But when you took another glance at the group, you saw that there were two you didn’t recognize. A boy and a girl, both looking similar to one another and the only difference being the slightly different shades of their hair. “Mom, who are they?” You asked, pointing to the girl and boy who were now fighting each other for control over the soccer ball.

“Oh, they’re the kids of the new neighbors,” Your mom answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. You looked over at the house next to your own, a two story one with white coloring and many windows. It had been for sale forever and it became quite the local news when someone actually bought it. You guess you hadn’t realized that the people who bought it were now occupying it. “They’re twins, I think. The mom and dad are on the younger side too. Courtney says that the husband is working at that law firm down on first street and apparently the wife wants to run for senator in a year.” How the hell did she know this much about everyone? You shouldn’t even question it at this point, since she was friends with all the neighborhood moms who loved to gossip.

Looking around for any unfamiliar faces, you were surprised to see none. Were they not coming out for the cookout? It seemed like the perfect place for them to meet everybody. “Oh!” Your mom exclaimed. “I forgot the tongs on the kitchen counter, could you go get them for me, please?” Without a second thought you nodded, turning on your heel and making your way back towards your house. As much as you loved your mom, you were sometimes annoyed with her forgetfulness, especially because you asked her if she had everything three times before you left just a few moments ago. Oh well, it wasn’t that big of a deal, you would be in and out in no time.

You walked up the well cut grass of your lawn to your front door, sandaled foot almost hitting the concrete when you heard the creak of another door. It belonged to the door of the house beside you, the light tapping of shoes making their way onto the patio filled your ears, feeling somewhat foreign since you weren’t used to hearing anything from that house. You wondered what it looked like inside, if everything was rusted and worn. It had to have been almost ten years since someone lived there.

But when you turned to finally get a look at your neighbor, your thoughts were completely halted.

Your mom was right, he, most likely being the husband, was on the younger side. He had to be in his early thirties, still a lot of youth painting his broadened features. His skin was lightly tanned, it was hard not to notice the way that the sun seemed to do a good job in painting his long, muscular arms that reached to close the door behind him. He was wearing a short sleeved shirt and black pants, though it wasn’t like something that you had seen other dads wear before, it was more formal, more pristine like he was trying to make an appearance. But if the story checked out, he was supposed to be a lawyer, it was his job to look professional. You continued to look at him, almost shamefully so as your eyes trailed from his clothing to his face, taking in the sharpness of his jaw and the blues of his eyes that very much reminded you of the light blue sky above you now. And then to his hair, which was cut short and had a golden glow to it.

Right as you were about to turn and get into your house, the ball that had been with the group of kids came flying your way, hitting against the door next to you and making you jump at the loud noise. It was lucky that it didn’t fly through a window, or your parents would’ve gone ballistic. You could hear some of the parents start to shout at the kids, telling them to stay away from the houses if they were planning on kicking that thing off of the ground. The same kids you were questioning earlier ran up your lawn, most definitely to retrieve the ball that would’ve hit you dead on if you hadn’t been gawking at their father.

“Luke, I told you to not kick it that way!” The girl, Leia, yelled towards her brother, a little stomp in her step as they made their way towards you. You picked up the ball and held it in your hands, kneeling down and waiting for the kids to approach you. Luke shook his head, shaggy hair falling into his eyes and saying, “It wasn’t me! It was that other guy over there. Why do you always blame me!” You laughed, the dynamic almost reminding you of you and your brother when you were younger.

Handing them the red rubber ball, they both gave you a small ‘thank you’ and Leia muttered a tiny ‘sorry’ and they went on their way. Watching as they went, you didn’t even realize that someone else was walking up to you. Still kneeling, you looked up and saw that it was your neighbor, looking down at you with a tiny, pleasant smile on his face. You blushed, realizing the awkward position and stood up, ignoring the heat coming to your cheeks and offering a smile to him as well. Being this close to him, you could see that he was tall as well, standing a good couple inches over you. Usually this would’ve made you feel intimidated, but for some reason it made you want to draw closer to him. You mentally scolded yourself for thinking this way, knowing that he was your new neighbor, and not to mention he had two very cute twins and a wife who was probably beautiful.

“Sorry about that, I hope they didn’t scare you that bad,” He said, taking a glance at his kids who were already starting another round of whatever game they were playing with the others. His voice was low, but there was a sense of calm to it. It wasn’t rough or gravelly, almost like honey as he spoke to you. “I haven’t seen you here before, do you live here? I think I’ve seen your mom and dad around but we were waiting until the cookout to introduce ourselves.” Kind of a stupid question to ask since you were standing on your porch with your keys in your hand, though you gave him the benefit of the doubt.

“Yeah, um,” You thought back to the day you saw your neighbors two cars parked in the driveway, was that a Sunday? No, it was a Monday. “I’m usually around here more but last week I had to pick up a couple shifts at work to help my friend.” Your coworker and friend came down with the flu and had to find someone to cover her ships ASAP, and you weren’t doing anything important and stepped in to help.

He nodded. “Makes sense. I’m Anakin Skywalker, you already met my kids but they’re Luke and Leia.” Skywalker. A strange last name that confused you for a moment, realizing that you’ve never heard of anything like that before. Then again, you hadn’t heard of the name Anakin either, but somehow the unique name fit him.

“Y/N,” You responded, giving him a nod.

“Y/N,” He said, like he was testing the name out on his tongue. You tried to ignore the feeling you got when you heard it come out of his lips, which were very nice by the way when you took a second to glance at them. It sounded good in Anakin’s voice, and you found yourself wanting him to say it over and over again if he would. There was a moment of awkward silence between the both of you, a random amount of tension that you didn’t know if you were imagining or not. Then Anakin opened his mouth again to say, “My kids were looking at the pool in your yard the other day when they were exploring our backyard.”

“Oh, yeah,” You said. “They’re welcome to come over any time and use it if they want.”

“Are you sure?”

It was normal for the people in the neighborhood to use it if they wanted to. It was a big underground pool that had been built when you were a little kid. “Yeah, everyone does. Just make sure to ask someone before and they’ll most likely say yes. We like to get the most out of it every summer.” You realized that you were supposed to be back with your mother, she was most likely getting antsy as to what was taking so long. So you took the opportunity to leave, even though you wouldn’t mind staying and talking to your new neighbor for as long as he wanted to. He wasn’t just attractive, you thought that he was nice too.

“Well, I need to get something from the house and get back to my mom. See you later, Mr. Skywalker.”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Just Anakin is fine.”

You felt your cheeks heat up. “Right, see you later, Anakin.” He gave you one last smile and right as you turned around, you could’ve sworn you saw a wink. You turned on your heel, ignoring the eyes he clearly had on you and making your way into your house. The moment the door was closed, you leaned against the wood and closed your eyes, replaying that last moment over and over again in your head. Had he really winked at you? Or was that just your mind spinning some kind of fantasy?

Oh, Christ.

It was hard to ignore the butterflies swarming in your stomach.

[tiramisiyu]

【未定事件簿】 Tears of Themis: Main Story 6-22 Translation

Translation Masterlist | Video

Chapter 6 – Tiger’s Accomplice Ghost (Parts 1, 2): 6-1 / 6-3 / 6-5 / 6-7 / 6-9 / 6-11 / 6-13 / 6-15 ♦️ ♦️  6-16 / 6-18 / 6-20 / 6-22 / 6-24 / 6-26 / 6-27 / 6-28 / 6-29

Information on the Chapter title (helpful to know): Wikipedia | My notes

--

Pax CEO Office

Lu Jinghe: Are all the places that Qin Shan went to before he fell ill here?

Wen Chen: Mhmm, all the ones from one month before his illness are here.

Lu Jinghe: He sure lived in a sumptuous way. Basically not a single meal was eaten at home.

Lu Jinghe: He really ended up going once to each club house, high-end hotel, and restaurant that he could reach in the whole city.

Wen Chen: Do you need me to collect the records from a larger amount of time prior?

Lu Jinghe: Not for now. Wait for me to go through this one month first.

Lu Jinghe placed the materials he was holding down, reclined in the leather chair, and massaged his temples.

Lu Jinghe: Are there any updates on that Assistant Hang?

Wen Chen: Assistant Hang is named Hang Jiahe. Her parents by legal relation have no blood relation with her – she was adopted.

Wen Chen: But because it was a relatively long time ago, I have not found the detailed adoption information yet.

Wen Chen: Hang Jiahe took the place of Qin Shan’s assistant at the beginning of this year, around when Xu Ping disappeared.

Wen Chen: She is an assistant in name, but it seems like her authorizations are very large.

Wen Chen: Some resigned Heirson personnel said that Hang Jiahe is a fox who exploits the might of the tiger. There are also people who speculate that she is Qin Shan’s lover.

Lu Jinghe: Lover?

Lu Jinghe: Ever since Qin Shan divorced, he has never married again. I’ve also never heard of him having media gossip before.

Wen Chen: Qin Shan’s familial circumstances in adolescence were decent. His father worked in real estate – they could be considered as… a little rich.

When Wen Chen said “a little rich”, he furrowed his eyebrows very seriously, as if he was assessing the standard of being rich.

Wen Chen: After, the Qin father’s business failed, and the company went bankrupt. Qin Shan’s lifestyle also took a nosedive.

Wen Chen: Qin Shan sought work after graduation and joined his ex-wife’s Xu family’s Xingrui Estates company. He acquainted with his ex-wife, and they got married very quickly.

Wen Chen: After, Qin Shan gradually rose to high ranks in Xingrui, relying precisely on his wife’s nepotism.

Lu Jinghe: Like so, he still dared to cheat, hah.

Perhaps Qin Shan’s past marital history wasn’t known at the public level, but it was no secret in the upper-class business circles of Stellis City.

Wen Chen: Yes. To give financing to the real estate company, Qin Shan had ambiguous relations with a female top executive of a financial company.

Wen Chen: It was that female top executive that talked about this matter with Qin Shan’s wife, having Qin Shan’s wife manage him well, and to make sure that he wouldn’t come out to harass anyone else.

Wen Chen: Due to this, Qin Shan’s wife divorced him quickly, and had him leave the marriage with nothing.

Lu Jinghe: No wonder. Heirson’s business could also be considered as large, yet Qin Shan’s never mixed in with the top crowds.

Lu Jinghe: Have you found about the source of funds used by Qin Shan to establish Heirson?

Wen Chen: It involves an overseas investment company. Though I have preliminary results, I still can’t be completely sure.

Wen Chen: I already have people doing detailed investigation. When there is accurate information, I will report to you again.

Lu Jinghe: Mhmm, speed up the work. We must find the clear truth behind that Assistant Hang and the capital backing Heirson.

Wen Chen: Yes, second young master.

--

Wen Chen retreated from the CEO office. Lu Jinghe took out his phone, scrolling through the message and incoming call records, his face completely pitiful.

Lu Jinghe: Why won’t you send even a single message? I really have no news whatsoever on you.

As he spoke, Lu Jinghe looked towards the table, flipping through the desk calendar on the table.

Lu Jinghe: Alright, we did chat in the morning in the group chat, but several hours have already passed.

Lu Jinghe: Getting in touch with you now will probably affect your investigation.

Lu Jinghe: Ugh, then I’ll consider the big picture, and I’ll wait until the weekend when you can relax to ask you out.

--

Mo Yi’s House

Mo Yi, who basically never pulled all-nighters, slept after he returned home, only waking in the afternoon. Seeming somewhat exhausted still, he brewed a cup of hot coffee and took it to the coffee table.

Mo Yi: The experience of pulling all-nighters and working overtime is probably not unfamiliar to you.

He turned on the electronic photo frame. In it, there were photos taken on outings with the girl – there were single-person ones, and ones with two people.

Mo Yi: If it’s possible, I also hope that you won’t have to work this hard.

Mo Yi: When I calculate it, it’s been a very long time since I’ve collaborated side-by-side with you.

Mo Yi: Recently… have I been too passive…

On the flickering screen on the side, a progress bar on the comparison of data was displayed. The day was almost done, yet the progress bar was only at 50%.

Mo Yi: I still have not obtained results, so it seems that I have no suitable reason to look for you.

Mo Yi: Looks like I need to think some more about this. Losing to other people cannot be allowed.

--

Antiques Shop, 3rd Floor

Lying on his arm, Xia Yan reclined on his bed, spinning his phone with his left hand in a state of absolute boredom.

Xia Yan: …

Xia Yan: The people in the identification department are getting worse and worse. They’re just a few note pages, so aren’t they spending way too much time on this?

Suddenly, Xia Yan’s phone vibrated. His hand slipped, and the phone nearly dropped right onto his face.

Xia Yan: Hello, Brother Yang, is something up?

Xia Yan: …

Xia Yan: Why are you the one contacting me? What about the identification department people?

Xia Yan: …

Xia Yan: Okay, I got it. I’ll go and see right now.

After hanging up, Xia Yan jumped up from the bed, opening the computer on the work counter.

In his recent mail inbox, there was a detailed report on Kong Moli’s notebook.

Xia Yan: Heirson Factory Unnatural Staff Deaths name list…?

Xia Yan: …

Xia Yan: Seems like… it probably is related to certain things…

Probably because he had no ideas for now, Xia Yan sighed and closed the computer.

He reclined back on the bed and picked up the phone again.

Xia Yan: Oh well, I’ll rest first and then think. Otherwise, if you find out, you’ll harp on me again.

Xia Yan: What about you, are you doing alright now?

Xia Yan: If you’ve encountered difficulty, don’t force yourself to bear it on your own – you’ve got to tell me.

--

City Police Station

Yan Wei: What? Don’t catch him for now? Why?

When we came out the meeting room, Yan Wei told us that they had already found Fu Qiao. The police were in the middle of secretly tailing Fu Qiao; they did not immediately capture him.

Zuo Ran: Right now, whether it’s for Zhou Nan’s case or Chen Hanzhang’s illegal drug dealing case, we already have lots of witnesses and testimonies. What we lack is objective, physical evidence.

Zuo Ran: If we capture Fu Qiao now, it’s very likely that he’ll say nothing at all, or he’ll say only things that we already know.

Zuo Ran: This will not provide any substantial help in solving this case.

MC: I agree with Lawyer Zuo’s view, because…

There is no point in catching Fu Qiao right now, because…

> It’ll beat the grass, only to scare off the snake > Fu Qiao might be able to find where the blackmail leverage is

MC: Lawyer Zuo and I have inferred that Zhou Nan’s death was used to make Fu Qiao into Chen Hanzhang’s Ghost.

MC: As a Ghost, Fu Qiao must want to destroy the blackmail leverage in Chen Hanzhang’s hands.

MC: Chen Hanzhang is in custody right now. To him, this is a good opportunity.

MC: On the other hand, illegal drugs hold no importance to him. It’s too unrealistic for him to want to take over for Chen Hanzhang’s illegal drug dealings.

MC: But he’s recently gotten into contact with the drugs. This indicates that the place where Chen Hanzhang collected the blackmail leverage is highly likely to be the same as where the drugs are kept.

MC: If we don’t capture Fu Qiao, we might instead be able to follow him to find concrete evidence and catch this criminal gang in one net.

Yan Wei: But how do you two know that Fu Qiao went to search for the blackmail leverage, rather than purely slinking off?

Zuo Ran: That’s why we’re saying for the police to not catch him for now, and to only follow him secretly and observe.

Zuo Ran: If Fu Qiao is only running off to the north area to hide, and he makes no other movements, then you can capture him in one or two days.

Zuo Ran: If Fu Qiao is investigating and searching in the north area, or goes straight for some clear target location, then it’s very likely to be the place where Chen Hanzhang has kept the blackmail leverage on the Ghosts.

Yan Wei: What you’ve said makes sense.

Zuo Ran: Aside from that, if Chen Hanzhang requires custody time to be ended early, or your application for the extension of custody time is not approved, I recommend that you simply let her go.

Zuo Ran: Change it from custody to residential surveillance.

Yan Wei: You want to do the same as with Fu Qiao, by having Chen Hanzhang bring us to the evidence herself?

Zuo Ran: Yes. If you continue to detain her in the police station, she will not provide information anyways.

Zuo Ran: You might as well let her go and see what movements she makes. Give her a stage, and let her finish singing the performance.

Yan Wei: Chen Hanzhang’s alertness level is very high. It’s very possible that after letting her out, she’ll bide her time before the police stop their surveillance.

Zuo Ran: Of course, we can’t passively wait for her to move. We can provoke her.

MC: Lawyer Zuo, what you mean is…

When our eyes met, I immediately understood Zuo Ran’s plan.

MC: We can have Qing Zhian put out news to the people in Wiley Financial and the Ghosts that he knows…

MC: Saying that someone called Fu Qiao knows where the blackmail leverage is.

MC: The boss of the Ghosts might change.

Zuo Ran: That’s right. With Qing Zhian’s experience, even if he has never come into contact with Chen Hanzhang’s core business, he is still someone who has serviced the company for many years. He’ll be credible.

Zuo Ran: As soon as these remarks spread, under the situation of having been detained for so long and having her movements limited, it’s highly likely that Chen Hanzhang won’t be able to sit still.

Yan Wei: You both really are something – this is a good plan.

Yan Wei: I’ll listen to you, and I’ll go make arrangements now.

[fabuloustrash05]

Courting A Salamandrian

Chapter List

Summary: Raphael has been dating his girlfriend Mona Lisa for a few years now and has never been happier. His life with her is perfect and doesn’t want anything to change, but when Mona asks him about their future, Raph decides that he’s ready to take their relationship to the next level. Follow the story of Raphael and Mona Lisa’s courtship!

Word Count: 1732

Warning: Some minor language.

Authors Notes: This is my first every fanfic and it’s based of a dream I had. I got inspired by this dream and some friends encouraged me to write it so I did! Hope you enjoy! Also check out the fic on my Wattpad! :3

~~~~~

Chapter 1: What Is Marriage?

The New York City lights combined with the stars from the summer night sky, making the big city shine like a beautiful jewel. A blanket was spread out atop of a city skyscraper. Raphael and Mona Lisa were lying together side by side, participating in one of their favorite hobbies, star gazing. Admiring the breathtaking view is Raphael’s favorite part, and the starry night sky gives Mona Lisa a taste of home. The couple was quiet. Nothing but their gentle breathing, and the sound of the city. 

“It’s beautiful tonight,” Raph said, breaking their silence.

“I agree,” said Mona “There are so many stars out tonight. The sky is so clear, I can even see the Third Moon of Thalos from here.”

“The what?”

Mona giggled, “That’s the ice planet where we first met.”

“Oh yeah, one of the only good things that happened to me when I was in space.” Raph looks at Mona and winks at her. She giggles. 

Raph wonders, “So, how are you able to tell which planet is which?”

“I used to study constellations and planet locations in my spare time back on my home planet.”  

“Wow...Do you see any other planets?”

“I can see Salamandria.” Mona says as she points to the night sky, “It's that little light blue star, right there.”

“Mona?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Do you ever miss your home?”

She shrugs, “Sometimes, but I’ve been on Earth for so long now. Bonded with your friends and family. There are times I forget about Salamandria. I feel at home here. Your planet is so much more different from mine. It’s strange to me, but I enjoy it.”

“Strange? Like how?”

“The stars, for example,” she says as she lifts herself up. She sits up as she continues, “They look so different here compared to the view on my planet. It was hard for me to identify the constellations for a while, but I think that is my favorite thing about Earth. I love how different your planet is compared to mine.”

Raph joins Mona and sits by her side. He looks at his girlfriend and gives her his iconic smirk that she loves so much.

“I always thought I was your favorite thing about Earth,” he teases.

Mona giggles, “You are, my love. I just admire the view. It’s breathtaking.” 

“Yeah, it is. I remember when my brothers and I first came up to the surface. We were so amazed by the city with the lights and the open space, there were times we didn’t want to go back to the sewers.” Raph takes a slow breath, “God, it feels like a century since that happened.”

Mona places her hand on Raph’s shoulder, “That must have been awful, being isolated underground your whole life.”

“Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Besides the shitty smell, it was fine. You get used to it after a while. And besides, we had each other and we found ways to pass the time, like training or playing old video games that we found.”

The couple stayed silent again, returning to watch the sky. 

Raph looked at the Salamandrian as she sat next to him watching the stars. Her yellow eyes, sparkling brighter than the northern star, made his heart beat fast. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have a woman like her in his life. His life was perfect with her and he didn’t want that to change. 

“I must say, Raphael,” said Mona, continuing the conversation, “your planet is so fascinating with its customs and traditions.” 

Raph looks at his girlfriend, “Like how?”

“Your holidays for instance.” She says “Having a celebration about an overweight gentleman in red clothing that gives you gifts, or how one night a year you demand to have complete strangers give you candy by scaring them.” 

Raphs chuckles at her comment, “You seem to like those holidays when we celebrate them with our friends.”

“Oh yes, I do. They are very enjoyable, but they have strange concepts.”

Raph shrugged, “Yeah, I’ll agree with you on that.”

Mona continued, “But the one thing that caught my interest is the event that happened between a couple I saw earlier today.”

He looks at her confused, “What event?”

“You didn’t notice the male give that gift to his partner? It caught my attention.”

Raph slowly shakes his head, giving Mona a confused look.

“He gave her a piece of jewelry for her finger. The two seemed to make a big deal about it -- even the people around them were overjoyed, which is strange because when you gave me that pink scarf, no one seemed to be that happy. Then he asked her to ‘marry him’. This action surprised me...”

“Oh, I know what your talking about. The guy was proposing to his girlfriend. It is something you do on earth if you want to get married.”

Mona slightly tilts her head in confusion, “Married? What’s that? Is it like a duel?”

“What? No-”

“Did that man not challenge his love to a battle?” 

“No, he didn’t.”

“Then what is it?” 

Raph could tell Mona was getting more annoyed and confused with this topic. Has she not seen a proposal before? She did say her planet was different from his. 

“Mona, do you… not know what marriage is?” Raph asked.

“Such a term does not exist on my planet.”

“Then how does… umm… dating work on your planet?” Raph asked, being unsure with how to phrase his question.

Mona was confused to why Raphael was asking her a question about relationships all of a sudden. Even he seemed unsure with the question. She paused for a moment to think over her answer then looked at Raph, “Well, to start, the term ‘dating��� is uncommon. You don’t have boyfriends or girlfriends, like how we label each other on your planet, you get chosen for a suitor.”

“So it’s like a match making deal?”

“If that’s how you put it, then yes. You're ‘match made’ with who they believe would be your perfect mate. That’s how my parents met.”

“Did…Did you have a suitor?” Raph asked cautiously.

“....Yes. Three.”

“Three?!”

Mona noticed the shock and slight disappointment in his eyes and quickly stated,

“But they never lasted! I wanted something similar to what my parents had and none of them offered me that. G’throkka always told me they had a beautiful romance full of trust and equality, which is rare since most of the time when two salamandrains are match up they treat it as a business deal. But my parents truly loved each other.”

“I thought Sal was your father?”

Mona laughs at Raph’s confusion “No, Raphael. He’s not. He was more of a mentor and a guardian for me.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Raph said “W-what happened to your parents?”

At that moment Mona’s smile disappears. “I guess I never did tell you about them, haven’t I?” She looks down and closes her eyes. She took a deep breath. She opened her eyes and said, strongly holding back tears “They were killed in a battle against the Triceratons.”

Raph notice his girlfriend’s pain. He brings Mona Lisa into his arms and gently hugs her.

A few tears began to flow down her cheek “I-I was a child when it happened…” 

“...I’m sorry…” he said softly, regretting asking the question.

“Don’t be.” Wiping away her tears she continues, “After their passing, G’throkka took me in and raised me as his own. He was the one who trained my parents, so he decided to train me as well. As you know, I joined the military and as time passed I eventually became his lieutenant,” Raph stayed quiet and let the lieutenant continued. “When my suitors left, G’throkka said I was ‘too intimidating’ and ‘too independent’ for them or how I didn’t fit the males’ idea for a perfect mate.” She slightly chuckles. “I guess you could say I scared my suitors away.” 

Raph place his hand on her cheek and looked her in the eyes, “Well, I think you’re perfect. You’re confident, beautiful, and you kick ass in a fight.” Raph’s comment makes Mona Lisa giggle as her cheeks begin to turn a blush red. He continues, “No other woman can match up to you. You are my idea for a perfect mate.” 

Mona’s heart felt as if it was about to burst from her chest. She’s not used to him saying such sweet things to her. At that moment, he pulled her to him, their noses touch, and soon the turtle and salamander share a quick soft kiss. They part and smile at one another.

“Raphael, may I ask you something?” She says softly.

“Yeah, Mona?”

“I’m still confused. This ‘marriage’ concept that goes on between two humans on your planet, what’s its purpose?”

Raph’s face begins to blush. Unsure on how to answer Mona’s question. 

“Well… marriage on my planet is a… I guess you could say a tradition for people who are in love. It’s when two people who love each other very much decide to commit to their relationship. Officially-”

“So it's similar to finding your perfect mate?” Mona asks quickly, interrupting Raph.

“Um, yeah. If that how you want to put it. Getting married is like a sign that a couple trusts each other, respects one another, cares for the other, and, well, truly love each other.” 

“I see. If that's want that couple wants to do then I’m happy for them.” Mona says smiling as she lifts her head up proudly.

Raph smiles “Yeah, I’m happy for them to, even though I don’t know them...”

Mona looks at Raph “Marriage sounds wonderful.”

Raph shrugs, “I guess it is.”

Raph lies back on the blanket on top of the roof’s concrete ground. Mona joins him with her head resting on his plastron. His left arm was wrapped around her waist as the other rests behind his head. They continue watching the stars once again, seeing them sparkle above them. Despite the somewhat obnoxious sounds of the city, being in each other’s company made it truly a peaceful night for the couple.

“Raphael?” Mona says while still resting on her boyfriend’s chest, “May I ask you one more question?”

“Sure, what is it?”

Still looking at the stars in the night sky, Mona asks “Are we married?”

~~~~~

[Tags]

@waferreyes (for making the cover) @starfiretheninja @kiaratheleo @petrichormeraki @monarel @cesarin @ryebread-02

(For some dumb reason the tags weren’t working for some, I’m sorry)

Thank you for all the support 💕 Chapter 2 is in the works! ;)

[bat-lings]

Is Bruce a good father to Damian, specifically? I mean, he seems to have learnt from past mistakes... but in preboot, does he even care about Damian at all? Didn't seem like it most of the time (especially in Resurrection of Ra's al Ghul, where he didn't even seem to care that Damian's life is in danger). Do you think he cared about Damian preboot?

Well, you are both right in that reboot!Bruce puts his preboot counterpart to shame where Damian’s concerned. The thing is, the reboot gave a much bigger place to Bruce and Damian’s dynamic than preboot ever did. Those two actually don’t have that many scenes together in preboot, and said scenes were usually part of a bigger plot/narrative that left little room to focus on their relationship.

I’ll answer this in three stages in order to address everything our Anons mentioned:

Bruce & Damian’s dynamic as portrayed by Morrison

The Resurrection of Ra’s al Ghul

Conclusion: does preboot!Bruce care about Damian? And was he a good father to him? (spoilers: yes and no, respectively.)

The conclusion summarizes everything so jump there if the argumentation part is too long.

A) Morrison’s Damian & Bruce

Disclaimer: I really, really hate Morrison’s writing. I’ll try to be reasonable when criticizing it but be extra aware of that bias. It makes me put most of Bruce’s action on the writer rather than the character and while I have my reasons & probably won’t change my opinion, it’s still a pretty categorical take.

Honestly I think Morrison’s Bruce does feel responsible for Damian. I’m even sure he cares about him too:

[Batman (1940) #657]

Actually, the whole issue is pretty good where Bruce & Damian are concerned. Must be my favorite thing Morrison has ever written. He installs interesting things character-wise, like Bruce making an extra effort to make Damian comfortable in the Manor & be patient with him, or Damian being an insufferable brat up until Bruce snaps at him, at which point he immediately switches off to “yes sir” in front of that new figure of authority.

Those are interesting bases to construct a dynamic upon. Problem is, they’re not gonna be exploited.

Here Bruce shows clear intent to provide guidance to Damian. But rather than give Bruce the occasion to follow up on that intent, and to develop a real relationship with Damian, Morrison gives us the incident Anon mentioned in the next frickin’ issue : an explosion set by Morrison’s godawful “““Talia””” that should’ve killed both her and Damian, and Bruce staring dramatically into the distance.

Does Bruce investigate their disappearance while Damian is being hardcore abused by his mother? Nah, he’s too busy skiing with one Jezebel Jet– a relationship Morrison needs to install since Jezebel has a notable role in Batman RIP.

My point is: as of #658 Morrison considers this arc finished & that there’s nothing to add. By that logic it’s valid to forget Damian until he’s relevant again plot-wise. It’s not (i think?) a way to tell us Bruce doesn’t care about Damian.

Let’s fast-forward to the disputable editorial & writer choice to launch Batman Inc/Leviathan  just after Bruce’s return from the “dead” without A) leaving room for a  confrontation/closure scene between him and Damian beforehand; or B) letting them actually interact more than the strictest minimum in said arc. From a strictly in-universe POV though, it’s not ooc for Bruce to decide unilaterally that Damian doesn’t need him or to focus on the crisis to come without talking to his son first.

I guess I should be talking about Batman Incorporated Vol. 2 too, ‘cause while it’s technically N52 it’s very much in the continuity of the storyline Morrison started in preboot. It also has a few Bruce & Damian moments where despite terrible miscommunication Bruce seems to worry for Damian… But then the plot requires Bruce sending Damian back to the mother who, in this dumbass version, abused him all his life.

[Batman Incorporated (2012) #4]

If I got that right this is a “Hero must make Big Sacrifice for the Greater Good” moment. The fact that Bruce loves Damian isn’t put into question: it makes the sacrifice more significant.

And that’s kinda my problem. First we’re told that Bruce wants to provide for Damian, but then whatever affection he feels for the boy is sidelined or even sacrificed to other narrative considerations.

So basically Bruce’s love for Damian has no significance in itself. It’s a given that doesn’t particularly need to be illustrated or expanded on; it’s stocked until we need it to breed impact in some scenes. Like the one above or, you’ve guessed it, Damian’s death. So yeah Bruce loves Damian. He loves him so much he’s sad when he dies. Ahem.

All in all it’s not a father-son story: else there would be more banter, slice of life sequences, time for the dynamic to develop, etc. It’s a hero-who-loses-stuff-in-war story. One story isn’t better than the other, they just appeal to different types of audiences.

“Does my father love me” is a personal thus small stake. Batman Inc/Leviathan or “Can I keep this future from happening” are world-wide to city-wide thus big stakes. I think a marked interest in the Big Ideas is what characterizes Morrison’s writing. Thus the portrayal of character relationships has a very specific place in his stories.

Anyway: I don’t think Morrison ever wanted to imply Bruce doesn’t care about Damian. It’s just that he’s a plot-driven writer and that both characters’ interactions & smaller stakes, although somewhat present in his narratives, will always come second in the big schemes of things.

If you consider that Bruce behaving like he does under Morrison’s pen proves he doesn’t give a damn about Damian though, I sure as hell won’t fault you for it.

B) Bruce & Damian in The Resurrection of Ra’s al Ghul

(God re-reading an in-character Talia these days is an oasis in the desert. Gotta love that arc all the more for that.)  

Not gonna lie fam. Our two Anons are right when they say Bruce is pretty cold in that one.

But A) Bruce is also dealing with a crisis, which means he’s emotionally removing himself from the situation; B) he’s not treating Damian differently than he is Dick or Tim… which we’ll see is the problem tho.

It doesn’t excuse Bruce’s behavior (I think he’s out of line myself), but I just don’t think it implies he doesn’t care about Damian.

You’ll notice that his apparent aloofness applies to Tim too (and Dick although he’s not mentioned), and that it equally unsettles Talia.

[Nightwing (1996) #138]

I want to stress the apparent in aloofness. On several occasions during RoRAG Talia reproaches Bruce that he’s not confronting his feelings what else is new. I believe he’s worried about the boys, all of them, but he also trusts them to handle themselves. He also thinks that if he so much as voices his worry, he won’t be able to focus and do what he has to. So he represses them and goes fully in Batman-mode.

Fast-forward. When Bruce is barking at Damian to pick up a sword and fight, it’s his way of protecting him– he needs Damian to defend himself.

[Detective Comics (1937) #839]

Because it’s not fair to show this without context: 5 seconds before Bruce legit bites Damian’s head off, chill out dude, he goes all protective batdad upon seeing Ra’s trying to steal Damian’s body.

So yeah. I have reasons to believe Bruce is scared out of his mind here. Hence the very aggressive way he tries to shake Damian into action.

So far Bruce gets a pass. It’s afterwards that he deserved to be punched in the face imo, and that’s probably the scene our Anons had in mind:

In fact, Bruce is expecting the same from Damian than he’s expecting from his two other sons. To be precise, he’s not treating either of them as sons— they’re on the field, they’re Robin & Nightwing right now. Aka soldiers/partners/teammates rather than family. And Bruce is putting Damian on that exact level when he shouldn’t be.

It’s harsh, and that’s emphasized next to Talia (who is actually written like a Talia). She’s all aggressively worried mother and Bruce’s all cold commander, the contrast is off-putting.

Talia reacts like a mother first by fleeing to save herself and her son. But Bruce can’t let Ra’s to his own devices, and he expect his sons to fight beside him.

It’s unfair to Damian ‘cause he’s not Robin yet, he’s not part of Bruce’s war the way Dick and Tim chose to be, he didn’t choose to be dragged into Ra’s schemes: he’s snapping to attention at Bruce’s order out of a childish need for validation, not out of a conscious & thought-out choice to make this his life. Also he’s ten. Yet those considerations fly over Bruce’s head: right now and unlike Talia, he’s not thinking like a father.

Do I think Dini balances the Greater Good vs Familial Attachment dilemma better than Morrison does? Hell yeah. He took the time to show Bruce ripping Ra’s apart at the beginning of the issue to prove us Bruce cares. And for all that Bruce’s wrong here, Dini has him fighting beside Damian, not sending him off on his own. Talia’s fleeing with her son gives the reader a reality check & puts the validity of Bruce’s choice into question as it should be. The stakes are also so much more concrete that “distant dark future to avoid”.

Next is probably my fave line ever written about Bruce & Damian ‘cause it gives so much sense (or depth) to Bruce’s hands-off approach.

And like. Everything that Bruce says here is true. That’s exactly what Damian’s character arc should be about. But dude maybe try to have a relationship with your son outside of the Batman legacy? The thing is Bruce built his relationships with all his kids through vigilantism and I think he just. Doesn’t know how to do it differently. The idea doesn’t even cross his mind for god’s sake.

By my understanding it’s not that Bruce doesn’t love Damian. It’s that he genuinely believes Damian’s better off without him.

It’s low key confirmed in Bruce Wayne: The Road Home.

[The Road Home: Batman & Robin]

((Don’t trust anything Bruce says about Dick’s “casualness” or whatever in this issue tho. Nicieza just… doesn’t know Dick’s character all that much.))

So Bruce is basically taking the easy way out, yeah. Both in ‘Tec and in choosing it’s not worth trying to work with Damian as his partner. He decides Talia is a better parent & Dick is a better mentor than he could be, and he’s off fighting the good fight against Leviathan.

We can stretch it and say Bruce probs decided he’ll take care of his relationship with Damian after the Leviathan thing is dealt with but tbh I don’t know if DC or Morrison thought that far ahead.

Conclusion

Morrison’s narrative installs that Bruce does feel morally obligated to care for Damian. And although I get why it can feel uncertain, I’m not sure we’re supposed to doubt Bruce loves Damian.

Bruce not looking for Damian after the explosion is is more due to the writer’s choice to consider the “Damian issue” closed for now so that he can focus on his next plot/installment. I guess.

When Bruce has the idea to send Damian back to fake-Talia, I guess his love for his son is a tool used to show how much Bruce is a selfless hero*. and a terrible dad but he’s a Hero™ so it’s okay.

Bruce in RoRAG doesn’t come as indifferent to Damian’s safety to me, he’s being his dumbass self in a crisis situation. He’s got no excuse for sending Damian alongside Dick & Tim when he did though.

On two occasions Bruce unilaterally elects that Damian is better-off without him. First with the in-character Talia who actually loves her son, second as Dick’s partner.

* Actually it’d be very interesting if someone who liked that comic-book could explain me wtf I didn’t get about its narrative significance. Sometimes our personal tastes just render us blind to some things guys.

TL;DR: Does preboot!Bruce love Damian? Yes. Was he a good father to him? No.

And I’m feeling way more comfortable giving a categorical answer here than when I was asked if Bruce is, in general, a good father.

To be fair Bruce does try to step into a fatherly role in Morrison’s Batman #657, aka just after he meets Damian. Afterwards we get sidetracked; and later storylines just. Don’t really give Bruce & Damian the opportunity so share father-son moments.

His behavior in RoRAG is just plain bad. The fact that it’s not due to indifference doesn’t change that. The ten-year-old who didn’t ask for shit should be treated differently that the seasoned vigilantes Dick and Tim are, period.

Obviously leaving Damian in fake-Talia’s clutches or wanting to send him back to his abuser goes under “bad father points” too. If you consider the whole of Morrison’s run should be integrated into your personal understanding of the character, that is. woops look at that terrible bias showing its ugly face again

In later episodes, it’s tempting to give Bruce a pass by saying that he just didn’t get the chance/time to be a good father to Damian, and part of it is true. But again, failing to invest in that relationship is completely in-character, and tbh it’s the part I find the most interesting character- and narrative-wise:

It’s A) self-depreciating (”Talia or Dick can provide my son what I can’t”); B) self-centered, in that Bruce doesn’t stop to consider what Damian thinks or wants; and C) cowardly, in that the second there’s someone else available to take care of Damian, Bruce stops trying to be a father and to invest himself emotionally because gasp, feelings!

As a comparison, think of how long it took for Bruce to go from mentor-protégé-e to father-child in his relationship with Tim and Cassandra; and to admit that’s how he felt about those kids. He didn’t adopt Dick until he was an adult either. Batdad needs time to un-constipate. It’s a Bruce thing, not a Bruce & Damian one.

(Jason is the only kid with whom Bruce immediately builds a wholesome relationship and that’s where you cry because if Jason didn’t die Bruce wouldn’t have half as much trouble getting close to his kids.)

Hope this word-vomit answers that. Thanks for the asks!

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 92: Monster Reunion

“I have to try.”

The tragedy of Nephrite is Steven Universe’s longest side story, beginning with the very first episode and concluding five years later in the final episode of the show’s original run. How we feel about Nephrite at any given time indicates how we’re made to feel about Corrupted Gems as a whole at that point in the show. After Gem Glow, they’re monsters of the week. After Monster Buddies, they’re innocent but violent victims of...something. And after Monster Reunion, we know what that something is.

Ninety-two episodes in, we know of Yellow and Blue Diamond. We know they’re part of a a group called Great Diamond Authority, acting as Gem Matriarchs. We’ve seen an artistic representation of a third Diamond on the Moon Base. We’ve seen a four-part symbol with a white, yellow, blue, and pink diamond united as one. We got a hint of their musical cue as the Gems abandoned Earth in a flashback. And because the Diamonds are in charge, we also know that they’re responsible for some terrible things, from the forced fusion of Gem Shards to seeking of destruction of planets not only for reproduction, but revenge. The information is dripping in, and these Gems are shaping up to be the villains of the series, and thanks to that knowledge, all it takes is one sketch to emphasize their most heinous crime.

This is the episode where the horror of corruption sinks in, in the same way Keeping It Together reveals the horror of Cluster Gems. The Mother Centipeetle was a monster, and Centi was a pet, but this version trying desperately to communicate before she loses her sanity again is a person. She has memories spanning millennia but was trapped by her mind and her body by her own leaders. After a string of Beach City episodes with purely personal stakes, Monster Reunion’s depiction of a personal struggle representing an atrocity affecting a planet’s worth of Gems hits like a freight train. This isn’t just something the Diamonds did to their enemies: Nephrite, alongside countless other Corrupted Gems caught in the crossfire, was loyal to Homeworld, but that meant nothing.

Between the Cluster Gems and the Corrupted Gems, the Diamonds prove that they’re not content with just destroying the bodies of their opponents, but the souls of anyone that inconveniences them. We’ll learn a bit more about it in Nephrite’s fourth episode, Legs from Here to Homeworld, where it seems this corruption was unintentional (or at least unknown by Blue and Yellow Diamond), but Monster Reunion galvanized me against the Diamonds in a way no other episode has, and it does this by giving us a single, concrete character to sympathize with.

This is the second time this season Raven Molisee and Paul Villeco have given Steven an extensive conversation with an entity incapable of full communication, but unlike Gem Drill, Nephrite allows these artists to fully utilize their gift for character animation to tell their story. Molisee’n’Villeco episodes are distinguished by more exaggerated expressions than usual (see: the first act of Coach Steven, the climax of Rose’s Scabbard, Amethyst throughout Reformed, Steven-as-Lars in The New Lars), and that makes all the difference in enhancing our ability to relate with a growling alien cyclops bug. We don’t need words to tell us when Nephrite is scared, happy, curious, angry, or sad (we don’t even need tears to tell us that last one, but oof are they effective), and we’re able to empathize with her on a primal level thanks to her vivid expressions.

The other half of the Nephrite formula is master vocalist Dee Bradley Baker, who’s already performed as every Corrupted Gem in the series, as well as Lion. Baker’s prolific ability to give life to non-human characters make him virtually impossible to overrate, and he uses that gift to convey comprehensible communication from Nephrite with nothing but chirps and squawks. This is so much more effective than the cacophony of voices from the Cluster, allowing for an actual conversation of sorts between Steven and Nephrite. 

This would be a very different episode if Nephrite was still just Centi from Monster Buddies, and we have Molisee, Villeco, and Baker to thank. It’s not enough to feel bad for an animal in pain again: we need to see, for lack of a better term, the human suffering of it all. And I feel so bad for this woman who doesn’t even get to have a real name for another sixty-one episodes.

The conversation itself centers around a terrific use of flashback. As Steven reminds Nephrite (and the audience, because it’s been a while since Monster Buddies) of their history, we get depictions of the past that fully resemble Steven’s experiences. But Nephrite can’t talk, so we don’t even get the simplified silhouettes that accompanied stories from Garnet in The Answer or Lapis in Same Old World. We get crayons and stick figures, the most childish means of communicating, that slowly gain animation as the story picks up. 

Steven’s narration is a constant reminder that Nephrite doesn’t have a voice of her own, and that we’re getting bits and pieces of what actually happened. She can still sing along with him in her own way, and performs a flawless diamond salute, but can’t tell Steven the name of her commander, or how she felt about her crew, or any actual tales of the war. Honestly the most telling image is Nephrite’s very first picture, revealing that she sees herself as herself despite having never met Steven in that body. This is a sentient person, and we’re made to understand that before she reverts to a monster.

Allowing her to reunite with her crew is a brilliant move, because the show needs her to lose, but it would be unspeakably cruel to not give her anything in the process. We don’t get a happy ending, but we don’t wallow in bleakness either, and that’s a hard needle to thread when the subject matter is this horrendous. There are certainly real-world analogues to Nephrite’s plight, namely dementia and PTSD, but Monster Reunion benefits from being ultra-specific to the show’s lore instead of focusing on the same sort of allegory they did in Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service and will do in Alone at Sea. When the lead character can’t talk and we’re dealing with this much character and plot work, going for a lesson beyond the general value of mercy would’ve probably made the episode collapse.

This is a fascinating episode in regards to Steven’s maturity, because beyond the use of crayons, he goes hard on the cute angle to manipulate the Crystal Gems in a way that seems to undermine his growing maturity; for reference, we’re an episode away from a story about the aftermath of abusive relationships. This childishness is especially interesting when you consider this is where he gets his healing powers back, a sign of his growing power. We see him casually float up to grab Nephrite’s bubble, and he’s an old pro at warping without assistance. All signs point to this being a more developed Steven than his puppy-dog eyes might indicate, and that might be the point.

I don’t want to speak to the writers’ intent given how far away Pool Hopping is, but Garnet’s inability to properly predict the future here is caused by the same problem she has in that episode: she’s seeing the likely outcomes of a Steven who’s still a child. True, there’s also the matter of all three of his guardians reverting to a lighter version of their stubbornness from Monster Buddies given their bias against Corrupted Gems, but I can’t help but think that Garnet would’ve been cool with the outcome we get had she seen it coming. It’s understandable that she might not have been able to predict Steven’s capacity to help, and that the only outcome of freeing Nephrite was mutual suffering.

We’re past the halfway point in Season 3, and are thus nearing the conclusion of the show’s second fifty-odd episode chunk. Major plot elements are winding down in anticipation of the life-altering story that Rose Quartz shattered Pink Diamond, and one of them is the idea of Steven acting like a little kid. This is the last time we’re going to see him act this way at length, even as a ploy, because even though he’s still a kid in Season 4 and beyond, he’s a young teenager who actually feels like a teenager somewhat consistently.

We also get a subtle premonition of Amethyst’s imminent focus, as she’s twice admonished by Pearl for making fun of Nephrite even though she’s not making fun of Nephrite either time. The feuding days of Amethyst and Pearl are long over, but there’s still a power dynamic between them that Monster Reunion quietly reignites. And Garnet is still in charge, ordering Amethyst to poof Nephrite in a way that’s frankly a bit uncharacteristic. Maybe it’s because we haven’t seen an actual fight with the three Gems working as an unfused team since Catch and Release (heck, we haven’t seen a fight against a Corrupted Gem since the Slinker in Reformed, unless you count the big crab in Rising Tides, Crashing Skies), but it sounds strange for Garnet to give a direct attack command. Amethyst is shown here to be the lowest-ranking Crystal Gem, not counting Steven, and this means everything to the season’s final arc.

There are certain things I would’ve loved to see as a fan thirsty for information, namely an actual translation of Nephrite’s writings. But it’s not as if we don’t get the picture(s) from her "conversation” with Steven, and eleven minutes isn’t enough time to tell this story and inject worldbuilding through text. It’s frustrating to not have all the answers, and a common complaint of Steven as a character is his lack of follow-up questions, but in this case he clearly knows the gist, and there’s no reason to think he couldn’t have gotten Pearl to translate offscreen if he was still interested.

So I’m glad we instead got a searing character-centric story that hurts enough that I almost never watch this episode. It takes a while, and it nearly costs Steven everything, but thank goodness we finally get justice for Nephrite.

Future Vision!

Our next chapter in Nephrite’s story is Legs from Here to Homeworld, where we finally learn that she’s a nephrite, that her commander was a hessonite, and that Blue and Yellow Diamond might not have been as intentionally malicious as we thought despite the abominable consequences. It’s crazy how important Nephrite ends up being, essentially paving the way for the Diamonds to begin reforming through Steven wanting to cure her and other Corrupted Gems.

Steven’s desire to write “I’m sorry” in Gem Scribble as he looks at the image of three diamonds, with hindsight, seems to indicate some subconscious knowledge of his indirect culpability in Nephrite’s corruption. Or he doesn’t at all and it’s just a coincidence.

Nephrite uses a white crayon to depict the Corruption Song, indicating White Diamond’s greater responsibility, and ultimately White Diamond’s key role in healing the damage.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Monster Reunion isn’t an episode I love to watch, because I don’t love to watch depictions of unbearable anguish, but it’s still an episode I love. Like Cry For Help, its sheer quality makes up for my infrequent rewatching.

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

(No official promo art, but artist Jonathan Traynor's haunting sketch does just fine.) 

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 99

Unfortunately for me, on my first day of work, I was invited to see Okkervil River play down in Boise with Josh, Melissa and Whitney. I couldn't skip my first day of work however unlucky it was that it fell on the same day. So Allison ended up going instead. I ended up really liking Okkervil River later on when I was given more exposure to them and have always been sorry I didn't get to see the show. Allison got to meet Will Sheff the lead singer. She also got to know Whitney and Josh and Melissa better. Their connection to Zack ultimately was very limited. Whitney was his sister, but nobody was really involved with Zack since he had gotten into harder and harder drugs, and for the most part Josh, Whitney and Melissa  had chosen to cut down. They all seemed to love Allison too, admiring the fact that she played music and wrote her own songs, was cheery and enjoyable overall. Allison felt idolized by people, potential friends who were older than her, who made her feel mature. This really became a huge deal for her. She felt she had found her new family I think. Whitney and Josh became somewhat of an obsession for her in particular. When she got back she could talk about little else but them. She now had friends, and it meant more to her than anything in her young life. It meant she was differentiated from me, and could get away from whatever she found awful about me. It meant that she had finally found acceptance after pining for friendship for so long.

Alex, Sarah's ex, finally moved to Georgia. He had stayed for the last few months to say goodbye to some of his work friends at Shopko. Sarah and I drove up to her family's ranch to say goodbye to him for the last time before he went on his way. I guess despite the mess of him and Sarah's relationship, they had spent six years with one another. It was an awful long time, and they still had a strange history with one another and connection that couldn't be erased. They didn't want to leave with mutual dislike for one another. It was weird because just as I had begun to make friend with Alex, him and Sarah had broken up and he was moving. In fact, Alex had reached out to me to see if I was okay after he found out about Sarah's decision to be with Zack. He knew Sarah and my friendship enough to know that I was probably mentally destroyed by the whole ordeal. I sent him a message telling him I gave them my blessing. It was weird as I the smoke from that spring cleared just a bit, that my attitude about Sarah and Zack had done a one-eighty. I no longer was all that supportive or sympathetic. I was still hurt, but the hurt was becoming something else. I was growing to accept certain parts of what happened, and no longer seeing every detail of what came next as being significant or having anything to do with me really. I had my own life to live. But back when Alex had asked me if I was okay on facebook, I hadn't been able to articulate that.

I remember we hung around in the hammocks and Sarah and Alex reminisced about the fun times they had had early on in their relationship, and how they had grown to bigger and better things. They avoided the topic of Zack. Alex might have said something about Zack being a drug addict, which made Sarah uncomfortable and change the conversation. For some of it, I went on my own and picked flowers. It was a pleasant and somewhat reserved goodbye. We all hugged one another and Alex left. He would be going to Georgia. Sarah gave him her truck that she had gotten from her mother, and he took their cat Gooboo with him and off he went to start his new life elsewhere.

I still having a terrible time, but the terrible time was changing into something euphoric. I could never manage to fully explain it to anyone. I felt like I was being driven and change into something that felt a little bit like hysteria. Reality was not grounded, but in a new way then the ungrounded reality of winter. In a way, this lack of clarity was more wild and vivid and involved action and feelings that needed to be expressed. I didn't feel the movements happening around me. I was the movements. I was the universe. I was connected to the vibrations of everything, and I became whatever I felt which could be anything at any given time. I felt invincible for weeks straight, and at random intervals I felt like death and I would cry. I couldn't show it much of the time at my new job – but I found ways to channel that energy when I worked, I couldn't act the crazy that I felt inside mostly, but I would go home some nights and I would still sob uncontrollably, or laugh uncontrollably. And internally, I began to wonder if there was something chemically off balance about me. I remembered getting diagnosed with chemical imbalance when I was in fifth grade. I remembered all the reactions I had had in my youth, all the strong ups and downs. I remember in the alternative school, Jenni telling me that Mike thought there was something psychologically off about me. It was hard to tell where circumstances made my behavior normal, and which parts of it were all me. Because life had been wildly unfair to me. I say this without self pity. I wasn't dealt the worst cards, but they were pretty shabby just the same. And no matter how crazy I was, had there ever been someone in my life who wasn't crazier than me? How could I gauge if I was well or not.

Looking at the diagnoses for bipolar disorder, I began identifying with a lot of it. I felt malleable and crazy and ready to take all manner of risks. I had started feeling anxious and euphoric at times when I was a teenager. And I had found ways to deaden this side to myself, but now there was no filter for those feelings. I felt euphoric and powerful, and fell into these dark irritable moods. I rarely took things out on people, but I had recently confused Allison by demanding that she start playing Ziggy Stardust the next time I started to cry, and when she did so I chastised her and told her she was being insensitive, and got in her face about it. Which was wrong on my part and I felt like an ass as I did it, but it annoyed me so much the idea that she could remedy my misery automatically. I had told her she could of course, but now I was finding myself insulted by her following the orders that I had put out. Of course I had no means of taking risks, at least not many – but if I had money I would have gambled. If there was some viable options for relationships of any kind, I could have found myself throwing myself out sexually as a means of self destruction. Fortunately, there were never many outlets for me to pour myself into.

Of course, I never got a real diagnosis for bipolar disorder, and my cycles didn't/don't always align with the cycles that are put forth by the psychiatric community. Over the years, I have monitored myself and I think what it comes down to is this. I probably have what some people consider, type 3 bipolar, Cyclothymia. My moods go up and down like bipolar, but the depression is generally not as low as it goes, and my ups aren't so destabilizing that I entirely lose it, but I still am on a very rocky boat, and my perception changes on me drastically. It's difficult to diagnose, and it's questionable if medication would be worth it in my particular situation because I have found ways to manage it almost – so long as everything is going somewhat smoothly in my life (no break-ups or deaths). However, if I am going through very troubling life circumstances, my symptoms start to look like type 2, and in these situations I really can fall. I begin to become delusional. Which is why I require a lot of self monitoring – more self monitoring than people probably recognize. It makes me seem self absorbed, but often times it's just there is a complex science to understanding myself and where I am at. It's hard because with a type 2 bipolar diagnosis, I would have something concrete to explain to myself and the world what it's like to be me, but since I don't generally and I feel mildly silly at times for self diagnosing (I fall as well in a low level autistic spectrum), I am hesitant to say anything about it to anyone. The summer of 2011, I could probably have used some therapy and medication. It would have done me a world of good I am sure. But of course, therapy and medication is for people who have insurance. Dishwashers generally don't get insurance.

Honestly too I guess, I am not always certain I really want to get rid of the ups and downs (mainly the ups). It's come to be a part of who I am – regardless of what I do or do not have. I worry mostly about the potential for spiraling out of control when stuff gets hard, and I have never really had any support with this aspect of my personality. I am completely on my own. I can never fully trust myself either – I have time periods when I need very little prompting to make terrible destructive decisions, and while I was doing it I didn't even know. I feel like I am addicted to life, and everything I do is intriguing and great, and then later on I have to deal with it. There is potential for disaster in me. I lack boundaries. Sarah has pointed out that I am very malleable. But I guess I could argue that if I am not to be trusted, then neither is anyone else. When you shift between perspectives often, you realize that people who flat line in one perspective sometimes lack the ability to realize that everything is perspective – and we are all doing the best we can from where we are at emotionally and psychologically.

One thing that is hard is that when your falling there is this unspeakable disappointment – like everything you believed in and are working on is a lie. I fill up with dread and shame and confusion. It feels like life is over. My whole body hurts and I lay in bed for days and just can't think. It lasts for about a month to six months straight, and everything I have to do like going to work is much harder and I feel ugly and ashamed and numb all the time. Writing helps me through because it reminds me that my thoughts are real and that I am a person of some kind. I have to take steps to get back on my feet – force myself to eat properly, do things for myself I don't want to do – shower, dress up, and when I finally do get on my feet I am fine for a few months, and then something sparks in my mind and I am ambitious and euphorically excited to be alive and everything gets crazy and magical again. This can be mild or really intense, depending on what's happening in my life, but the fall from grace is just horrible feeling. It comes on like when you know you are becoming nauseated due to the flu. You just have to brace yourself and accept that the gig of feeling really good is over for awhile.

I worry too that I will be seen as weak and this is ultimately the grand scheme of my personality. I feel defensive because otherwise, when I get comfortable in any given situation I know that my gauge and reaction to how I fit into the picture is skewed. Whether I am up or down, I don't have the kind of pragmatic middle ground that keeps me safe or levelheaded. I am not really exactly crazy in the sense that I am dangerous to other people directly, but there is a lack of level ground to go home to and if someone were to take me seriously I feel like I would burn them out pretty bad. I am to a degree, whatever state I happen to be in – and it causes me to seem chaotic, counterproductive, easily distracted and inconsistent so relying on me could potentially disappoint and confuse people who think they understood who I was before. I am always vulnerable at all times to whoever wants to take advantage of me for this reason as well. I am embarrassed and insecure when I am down, and when I am up I become easily flattered and obsessive and both manipulative and manipulated. I make decisions based on curiosity and don't think of the outcomes. I see myself as a chaotic and potentially damaging person who at times must be quarantined. So for this reason, I go between intense feelings of not trusting myself to be around others and not trusting other people to being around me, and then deeply wanting comfort and support and to be extremely intimate with other people and smothered – but then I resent that too because I want to feel independent and free, so there is no winning. I have to invent walls to make people not want to be around me, because I fear they will think I am crazy if they knew me. And what I need one day I do not need the next. I honestly feel guilty whenever I want to be closer to people.

The benefit is that I feel like I can reexperience childlike delight in living to some extent the way a lot of people around me cannot. I will always eventually be rewarded with a certain wave of euphoria and a heightened sense of being that always seems worth the sadness I previously experienced. I become very creative. I have a vision of what it is that I want and who I am. The fog clears. It's intense and real. I can take charge of things that were difficult before. It ends too soon, but in those times I feel very alive. I guess I wouldn't want to stabilize because this is the only way I know how to get things done. And in my middle points, I know what it feels like to be both up and down. With this perspective, I can grasp a lot of concepts. I can understand say, something entirely unrelated to myself, World War 1 for instance. I can look at it from multiple vantage points, and I can do so through the guise of knowing and seeing through the lenses and memories of my own angled vision. Which sounds really strange, but it has helped me write good papers so I think I am onto something.

Call it a mood disorder, or the change of the seasons, but I was beginning to emerge from the spell I was under, damaged permanently, but I walked out alive just the same. I had accepted that there was no going back to the old life. Whatever fate had dished out, it hadn't been what I had expected it to be. But through those difficult months (which I wasn't entirely over yet), I had found a sort of strength and knowledge of myself, and the longer I went on surviving, the more I came to trust my own instincts, to follow my intuition, and to be my own person. I didn't want to wait for things to happen to me. My entire life had been one long ugly wait for one thing and then the next. I wanted to make things happen for myself.

It was probably rather strange, likely influenced by The Dresden Dolls or Klaus Nomi, but I sometimes would go into the bathroom and paint my face up like a clown – not the typical clown one hires to do gimmicky stuff and laugh creepily at birthday parties, that isn't the type of clown I was. I was a perriot clown, something artistic and strangely pretty and ornamental and frightening. I felt internally like a shattered doll, something broken and upsetting and perfect in it's brokenness. Maybe to others I was just a minimum wage slave, maybe Sarah and Zack were too dull to fully recognize who I was internally in the ballroom theater of my inner life. And I was more than that. I could do whatever I wanted. I could be a painter, a musician, a performer, a writer. No doubt David thought of me as somehow a foul terrible person – and perhaps he had a point. Maybe I had just broken to the point where I didn't care anymore. In any case, I was happier and had more of a vision seeing myself through the lenses of my own imagination. I was more productive in how lived. I felt the preciousness of life in each breath I took. And really, I didn't perform most of the time or behave in any way that might seem as wild and as vivid as the self image I had of myself laid away in my mind, but it was there, and the outer world and my place in it was somewhat of a mask.

I let go of some assumed expectation, and instead I chose to be myself. Whatever was meant to be would be – my natural identity was my destiny and I was going to live so strongly as me that there could be no mistake or imperfection or forlorn sense of loss. I would attack my goals, not with a sense of duty, but with a passion for my visions and my feelings. I wasn't going to worry anymore about offending others. I think this was my way of breaking free from the identity that I had thought was me for so long, the corner I had been painted into socially by friends and family who either meant me well or didn't but had never fully understood me. I was becoming the girl my father had tried to terrorize me into hiding – and now she was coming out and taking power over the game. She was now me  - I didn't have to lock her up in a box anymore or check with Sarah to see if it was okay to be myself anymore. I wasn't ashamed to feel feminine or excitable or pretty anymore.

I threw away most of my jeans and t shirts that weren't for work, and I instead decided from there on then that I would always look my best – I would paint my eyes and my lips, and chose to wear dresses always. Wearing dresses had always been taboo for me. I had never felt confident with my own femininity or pretty enough to wear them. I wasn't allowed to wear them in school – mostly due to the kind of pressure that I would have come up against and the fact that I was afraid to feel helpless and gross somehow. At home my father had this unspoken assessment that wearing dresses was a sexual act. He hadn't shamed me, but given how he always sited studies that said that men were more attracted to women who wore dresses over jeans I had this feeling he would have been threatened by the idea that I was going to bring men home if I wore dresses. There was stigma to dresses – being dolled up was a weapon. It implied I was both a weak girly fool, and a lecherous whore – but somehow it meant that I was brave in a way that I hadn't been raised to be. And I hadn't had any female influence in my life to make the transition easier. I didn't know what to wear, or how to wear it. So wearing dresses was part of my truer self. It was empowering, and it was the way I was going to live my life from here on out.

I ended up getting an ear infection the first week that I worked in the dish pit. I had to wear a plain black baseball style cap and it covered my ears and between the sweat of working hard and the steam that rolled out of the dish machine, my ears became moist inside and I ended up with swimmer's ear. In a way, this ear infection was my new becoming – just like the one I had had at seventeen had been a becoming of sorts. I came out of the intense mind numbing feverish pain transformed and humbled. I managed this ear infection however, somehow I miraculously didn't have to take any days off of work. I went to the hospital, and they billed me three-hundred dollars to see a doctor for five minutes and get a very tiny bottle of ear infection medicine that did very little. I still have not paid the bill. When I ran out the infection came back. I didn't want to have to pay thousands of dollars because of the ear infection and I didn't want to go back to the doctors, so I instead looked up natural remedies to swimmer's ear online, and I discovered that the bacteria responsible could not live in certain pH conditions. Vinegar would kill anything growing in my ear, so I began to pour vinegar in my ear and almost immediately the ear infection cleared up. For a few weeks though, I smelled like apple cider vinegar. And my inner ear stung a bit from the acidity of the vinegar.

My mother was laying in her strange place one day as I was preparing to go to work, and she began asking me what was wrong with Sarah. Why was Sarah wasting her youth on some ugly mugged idiot who was clearly using her for her money. It was hard to picture Sarah as the fool she was clearly being. It was painful to watch Sarah so transparently give up so much of her individuality and things about her that made her so great to this horrible person who didn't even recognize or appreciate her. I shrugged and told my mother to ask Sarah about it – because honestly, I had lost the plot and I questioned my own ability to see through the reeds.

So then Sarah came out of her bedroom, and my mom told her to come to the bed and sit down to have a chat. My mom, quite confusingly, and much to her credit was the only adult that actually sat down and tried to talk to Sarah about where she was going with her life throughout this entire ordeal. My father had for some reason wanted to bring her down in some fashion, and Sarah's own mom was more or less left in the dark. I feel like Carol understood more than she let on, but the idea of her precious daughter running around with the likes of Zack wasn't something she personally felt she could face. Carol could be strong in some circumstances, a very industrious and straight forward person. But she could also be incredibly avoidant about personal issues that mattered, particularly where Sarah was concerned. She was afraid to admit to herself that Sarah was messing up, and she was afraid to tell Sarah what to do. She was secretly worried I am sure.

My mother explained it well. She didn't come from a position of loathing Sarah for hurting me, she didn't react defensively or rudely or come at it from an angle of trying to put Sarah down. She asked Sarah what on earth was going on with her. Was she okay? Could she not see that Zack was a terrible boyfriend? She asked her details about Zack. Sarah did her best to answer, and did her best to make excuses – but it sounded weak to her as soon as she made those excuses. Her voice faltered. My mom tried to explain to Sarah that she had also had boyfriends who were bad for her in her own life, men she had wasted absurd amounts of time on, who used her for her money (remember James), and wouldn't work. And in my mother's experience as a bartender for low end bars in town, she had seen men like Zack and they were always terrible and the women who ran after them thinking they would be the one to change them always came out of the situation short handed and oftentimes bitter about it. And my mom wanted to see Sarah with someone who would at least do his part financially. She wanted Sarah to thrive. She was too beautiful to be wasting herself on this gross selfish creep who didn't even change his clothes. Sarah didn't need to be with a junkie or a methhead. She deserved better,

In a way, it was sort of therapeutic for me to be in the room witnessing this conversation. I just sat at the computer desk and listened. It was stuff that I should have had the clarity to say, but it wouldn't have worked if I talked to Sarah at this point. For one, the whole thing was way to personal to me, as it had been a huge part of my recently discarded life. I couldn't be the friend that Sarah needed because it would seem selfish – either due to the fact that I desperately wanted Sarah's friendship again and Zack was hindering that, or I wanted revenge or some kind of personal sense that I had to break the two of them up – and in any case the situation of me talking about my feelings at all was touchy. I was just a touchy person these days and my emotions were wild and sometimes seemed disproportionate to the problems at hand – at least they seemed that way to everyone on the outside. I was not a reliable witness. Secondly, by following Sarah and Zack around and trying to love them both – I had been endorsing their relationship – my stamp of approval had already been put on it and the ink had dried. I didn't support them anymore, didn't find them interesting either, but it was too late for me to be taking back my endorsement. It was sad to say this, but regardless of either one of us had done to whom, in the end I couldn't' be the friend that Sarah needed and she couldn't be the friend I needed. So for my mom to step in and tell Sarah that she wasn't being evil, that she wasn't so special that she could cure addiction, that her relationship wasn't magical, and that Sarah was allowed to acknowledge she made a mistake – it was helpful.

In the end, Sarah deflected most of what my mother told her, and just repeated that she believed in Zack and loved him. My mom told Sarah it wasn't love at some point, and Sarah didn't agree. To an extent it was easy to pull apart my mother's life and see that despite how right she was in Sarah's given situation, my mom probably didn't know what love was either. She was spending her days talking to Asian men and pretending she was going to fly out there to live as a sexy mother Theresa once she dropped some pounds and started saving her money, paid off her debt and got a passport to whatever current country she was planning on going to which had not yet happened and didn't seem like it really would. All the same, the conversation aged well, and it is remembered as a noble effort on my mother's part to do the right thing in this given circumstance.

On the 4th of July Zany's closed for the holiday, but it was a day where some of the kitchen workers were paid to come in early anyway to pull out kitchen equipment and clean behind things that rarely ever got cleaned. I was scheduled to come in that day – thought truth be told there wasn't a lot I could do to help the guys. I didn't mind working. Anymore, while I was at work I had a purpose and I didn't feel sad or uncertain. It was always kind of a pain to my self esteem to be around people who were uncomfortable with me or tired of hearing me talk. I liked getting out of the house. One of the few things Nicholas told me to do was something involving a vent and a pipe and I had absolutely no idea what he meant. He didn't want to teach me, and seemed annoyed that I didn't know what to do. If I had asked him to instruct me he would have gotten proud and annoyed at me for it, so I just went into the dish pit and looked at the area I was supposed to do something with and waited for a nice person to come in and help me. I think it was a matter of fixing something. It involved tools I had never been shown.

Nicholas was the kitchen manager, but the real leader of the group was this guy named Levi. He generally worked in the deli area of the kitchen. He was in his mid to late twenties. He could he commanding and cold when it was necessary, but he was also very moralizing and fun. Everyone liked him. I liked him. He brought the best out of everyone around him. He knew when people were struggling and unlike the other fools, he often times tried to help people rather than put them down. He was the best worker in the whole restaurant for this reason. He was married to one of the waitress supervisors named Dani who worked at Zany's as well. She was very genuine and nice. They had a daughter together, and had been married for two years. Standing in the dish pit I felt vulnerable and fearful that Nicholas would catch me not completing this mysterious task that he had ordered me to do and insisted that I should already know how to fix. Levi came in and smiled at me. I asked him timidly and quite awkwardly if he would help me. He looked at what I was talking about, and he laughed. He said he would come back and help me. He couldn't believe Nicholas expected me to fix this thing myself.

So in a few minutes he came in and him and a few of the other guys set about laughing and joking around and showing me what I needed to do. I stood there helplessly watching as carefully as I could so that I never found myself in the uncomfortable predicament again. Nicholas came in the room as they were finishing the job, and he looked at me fiercely and demanded that I be the one who fixed the pipe. He demanded that I couldn't be getting the other people in the restaurant to do my job. Levi seemed to have this weird natural way about him. He amiably told Nick that I didn't know how to do what he had asked, and in any case it would have been an even worse disaster had I tried to do it myself. He basically shielded me from Nick, who carried on to order someone else to do something in an attempt to maintain an ere of control.

Levi smiled down at me, and in that moment I got this strange lump in my throat and butterflies in my chest and I looked down and blushed. I realized that I was having an idiot girl moment like in a bad movie. I couldn't believe this! I thought Levi was cute in like, the most basic primitive stupid way that I pretty much had counted myself as too good for years ago, and it was embarrassing for me. He had done the basic man thing and helped me do something I didn't know how to do myself, and now he had just 'protected me from danger'. He wasn't poetic – he hadn't displayed any of the refinements of a sophisticated and complex. This isn't to say that Levi was dumb – he wasn't dumb at all. But he wasn't structured like that. In no way shape or form did he seem like a match for me, nor did I truly think I was in love with him in that moment or have any ideas of this going anywhere. Which made me feel even more foolish. How confusing!

He hadn't done anything particularly special other than be the generally benevolent leader that he always was – but I had just melted like butter on account of it. He had this caring kindness in his eyes, and an attractive face. I really liked his round face and his dark complexion (he was of Native American decent). And he was always very humorous and in control and brave and self sacrificing. He was so well balanced.  And when someone pissed him off, he confronted with them about it fairly. And he got stuff done. He was essentially all the things that Zack wasn't.

But dear lord did I feel silly. Because I was crushing on this guy I had nothing in common with. And I was attracted to him in this corny conventional way and I couldn't control myself– the way of the way basic as hell teen movies presented girly crushes, and I was supposed to be above this! It had always seemed foolish and dumb, taking into account all the romantic characteristics I had gotten from books, and all my high expectations. And here I was admiring this guy's shoulders and feeling weak in the knees because he was 'manly' and soft at the same time. Furthermore and most importantly, he was married! Very Married. I knew his wife. She was a really sweet lady. There was absolutely no place for me in this scenario that seemed wholesome in any way, or realistic. There was absolutely nothing to pursue. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Pursuit was the only thing I really knew how to do in these situations. Quietly perhaps, but I wasn't able to just let it be. But I couldn't do anything, so instead I just internally combusted whenever Levi said hi to me or smiled at me.

From then on, I was always excited to go to work if Levi was there. I would eventually get comfortable enough to joke around with the rest of the kitchen but when Levi said anything to me I sort of stiffened up. If I let myself be comfortable around him, then it would all come tumbling out somehow and my awkward secret would be spilled out for all to see all over the dish pit floor. Because I didn't have those boundaries like other people did. If I got comfortable then my body language and my eyes would betray me and I would be revealed as the true creep that I was. So my only recourse was to create physical boundaries by not letting myself get too comfortable. It wasn't hard because whenever he was in my presence I stopped thinking clearly. And it confused Levi because he really liked me in this totally innocent way and he interpreted my reaction to him as fear – which in a sense he was right, but for the wrong reasons. He told me himself several times that he thought I was one of the best workers in the kitchen, and that I seemed like I really bright, sensitive and intelligent girl. He didn't mean it as a form of hitting on me or some ulterior motive flattery. But I melted a little bit when he talked to me.

I felt really bad about it, but there was something kind of addictive about the guilt so when I attempted to shame myself into not thinking about it, I thought about it even more. I felt like some kind of Golemlike creature that was staring into Levi and Dani's living room window jealously on a dark serene Christmas night, wishing that I could be included in the family somehow with some kind of absurd Phantom of the Opera like madness of swooping in and stealing Levi and making him weird like me so he could live in the sewers and be my husband instead of Dani's. Perhaps I am exaggerating a little when I say it like this. But I often wondered what it was that attracted me to Levi, and when I thought about it long and hard I started to feel enormously sad. I think it was because Levi seemed very stable and kind. He was very assertive in a way that I didn't know how how to be, and very warm and huggable in a way I didn't feel like I was. And I had never had anything that was very stable or kind in my life. Most men I knew were mean and unpredictable and likely violent. In the end, I had to watch my back, and be careful not to bruise their tender egos else they would make me pay for it. I had grown up second nature with a mistrust that men had honest intentions and when I was around men I felt a little bit gun shy. And Levi was so fucking nice.

I had started to go through the process of befriending my own brokenness. I don't think my self esteem was the greatest, but I didn't process self hatred when I looked at myself in the mirror anymore. It was counterproductive to feel self pity or spend too much time thinking about what I didn't have. I looked at myself as a project of sorts – and in that sense I wasn't afraid to snip and break any part of me that could not fulfill my own goals, but I wasn't in the game to beat myself up anymore – at least not in the societal sense. I had come to terms with myself and my body and how life would be – so long as I kept moving forward and matching my own expectations. But I would never have what Levi had. Whatever it was that Levi embodied, it reminded me of a time in my early childhood where I had been acquainted with a simple sense of goodness, like the way a batch of cookies smell good in the oven. There wasn't much to think about or sort out. It was just delightful and good. I wanted life to be simple and good again. It wasn't the worst life. I had built this palace of ideas and exhilaration and sorrow. I wouldn't have given it up for anyone. But I was also tired and weary and Levi's limited presence in my life offered something that appealed to my childlike need to find something that felt like home.

There was a wall between me and the Levi's world though – and it wasn't something that was going to be broken down. I knew my place and even liked my place. I was made for more. I wasn't in the game to play house with someone. And in that sense I was kind of a Golem staring into the window as Levi and Dani watched their daughter open Christmas presence, unbeknownst to them that I was spying into their lives like a loathsome curious worm. I felt sort of like a creep being so attracted to Levi. I felt badly whenever Dani was nice to me. I felt like I was disrespecting her in some fundamental fashion by coveting her husband. She also liked me and thought I was bright and honest. I think she was mostly going by what Levi said about me, but it was enough to make me feel guilty.

And of course there was this disturbing part of me that entertained how I could edge in to Levi's life. I remember having this dream where I went into work, and everyone was gone in the whole building. I went into the back of the restaurant and looked down the line and there was Levi – he was the only one there, and the walls and the floor seemed to shake and yet everything was painfully and grossly clear. He didn't know I was there somehow, but the intensity of it being just him and I in the restaurant gave me this weird sense that my mind was boring into his life in ways I knew better than to do. Upon waking, I had this notion about how I could probably make myself seem cooler and more fun and personable to Levi than Dani. It would take years of rehearsing and focusing. It wouldn't break them up, but if I spent six insane years trying to break them up I could probably manage to make Levi very unhappy and confused. And I would have made some kind of weird mark on him and there was something satisfying in knowing that I could alter or change him – separate him from his family and his old life – give him some abstract thing to chase after rather than the comfort of family and the next meal.

And waking up with that feeling, I was covered in sweat and I felt guilty and sick and my skin hurt. This is sort of what I mean when I talked about having a bad side to me now. Because before Zack and Sarah, I never would have considered this. I would have calmly accepted Levi was with Dani and it never would have crossed my mind to manipulate that situation in my favor. Of course, I didn't manipulate anyone, and I never would. I would never ever make another woman feel terrible about herself or insecure in her relationship if I could ever possibly help it, even if some sick part of me felt compelled to do so. But having thought about it, and having had the kinds of dreams that lead me down this psychological journey, I felt like I had already done it, or at least laid down the psychological groundwork, and in that sense I had already done a very bad thing regardless of Levi or Dani could recognize it.

Later that 4th of July night, I begrudgingly went with Sarah and Zack to sit on the Lewiston hillside and watch the fireworks go across the town and decorate the sky and the reflect in the Snake and Clearwater River. I could see all the little lights of the town, I could see the light that was where my mother lived, I could see many of the places where my mom had moved us all, I could see the businesses I had known since I was very little. I could see Zany's and the area where Levi lived, the factory, the places I had attempted to apply to work at. It all seemed so small, and when I looked at the town from below, it made me want to choke. I felt this sick crazy feeling that it wasn't enough and I needed to get far away. And beyond the town, I could see the endless miles of empty eastern Washington desert that stretched out for hundreds of miles before finally turning into the Cascade Mountains – so far from the cities and places where things happened and I could find people who might understand me. This was the world I had always known. And it wasn't enough. It looked small. It gave me this perspective of how small I was in this ugly little town. Someone like Levi could flourish and do well here. But for me, I needed something more. I longed for something I would never find in this little crevasse of the world.

PART 98 - https://tinyurl.com/y7pjvn95

PART 97 - https://tinyurl.com/ybvlfusf

PART 96 - https://tinyurl.com/y8cm6pdy

PART 95 - https://tinyurl.com/ybxq2o5j

PART 94 - https://tinyurl.com/y8k7mwq4

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[snoopctm]

Thoughts On the Recent CtM News (Actors/Characters Leaving)

So, it’s looking like Patsy, Delia, and Cynthia will not be returning for series 7. This is very sad.  I will miss these characters a lot. I’ve seen a lot of the emotional posts about this topic, and I understand the sadness, particularly from the ardent Pupcake fans. I wanted to share a few other thoughts as well.  More thoughts follow (this is long and rambling, so be warned):

I think however the show chooses to deal with writing out Patsy and Delia, they need to mention their exit in a way that provides closure. I actually think the show has done this with Cynthia, even though I’ve noticed that some fans disagree. I know some didn’t see it this way, but I saw her 6x06 story as an exit. I wasn’t expecting her to come back to the show—at least not as a regular. I wrote that then as well. For me, her story was given an adequate conclusion, in that we know where Cynthia is and that she is in the right place. The story is somewhat following the real Cynthia’s story as recounted in the book. For me, the show portrayed Cynthia’s exit in a way that will allow for her to return if she ever wants to, but doesn’t require her to come back. If she ever does come back, as a regular or—more likely—for a guest appearance, we will know where she has been and why she was gone. I think that exit was dealt with adequately, at least for me.

As for Patsy and Delia, I think they need to be given an “exit story”. Whether the actresses will be able to appear on  screen or not (and that depends on their schedules—I’m sure the show would do an on screen exit for them if it’s possible), the viewers need to be told that they are leaving/have left and be given some explanation for why they left (got new jobs elsewhere, moved to Paris, etc.) Yes, the show has handled some exits awkwardly, but I think that’s more because the actors weren’t available (Jane) or because they weren’t sure if the person was leaving permanently and were really hoping they weren’t (Chummy).  When actors have left and given enough advance notice to the creative team, they have been given more elaborate/planned-out exits (Jenny and Sister E, for example, and I would also include Cynthia here).

I think what may have happened in this case is that as of the end of series 6, Emerald Fennell might not have known for sure that she wasn’t going to return, but thought it was a possibility. So they wrote her reunion scene with Delia, gave the couple their long-awaited on-screen kiss, and gave Patsy that line that suggested that if Patsy ever leaves again, Delia will be going with her.  That sets up the possibility that she may not return, but if somehow Emerald was able to stay, that line wasn’t an obligation.

Also, as to Kate’s leaving along with Emerald, we don’t know if she has other commitments or not, but even if she doesn’t, the only possibility I can see for keeping Delia on the show long-term while Patsy leaves with no concrete plan of return would be to have the couple break up. As glad as I was to get to know more about Delia during Patsy’s temporary absence from the show, a permanent absence causing the couple to break up is an unpleasant idea to me. I would love to have seen Delia join the Nonnatus staff (and I think that was the original plan), but I think the announcement that Emerald wasn’t coming back for series 7 had to have changed the plan. 

The thing about this show and its romantic couples (I’m not counting Trixie and Christopher because their relationship is still new to the point where they could break up without causing too much dramatic upheaval) is that with the committed couples —Pupcake, Turnadette, and I would even put Tom/Barbara and Fred/Violet here—the characters have been established and the couples have become inextricably tied to one another, to the point that in order to split them up there would have to be either a) serious character derailment so they can split up without one of them dying, b) one half of the couple would have to be killed off,  or c) if one character leaves, their romantic partner goes with them. Of these four couples, I only see one with whom I think the show could go the “off-screen character” route with one of the partners—and that would be Fred and Violet if Annabelle Apsion ever decided to leave (with Violet becoming an off-screen character who is only referred to occasionally by Fred), but that’s because Violet has only ever been a recurring character on the show.  If any of the six performers playing Patsy, Delia, Shelagh, Patrick, Tom, or Barbara decides they want to leave the show, you have to either kill off one of the characters in the couple, break up the couple in a way that wouldn’t be consistent with their already established characters, or send both partners off together into a nebulous but happy future. With Patsy and Delia, killing one of them off is *not* acceptable (because that happens to too many lesbian couples on TV), so you’re left with two options--they break up so one can stay on the show without the other, or you let them leave together and get their off-screen happy ending. I think of these possibilities, the last one, while still sad because both characters are leaving, is the best option because I can’t imagine Patsy and Delia breaking up in a way that doesn’t seem inconsistent with their established characters.

Also in terms of not wanting to watch the show without your favorite characters, this logic applies to me as well because if my favorite character (Shelagh) left without Patrick, she would have to a) die or b) have her (and/or Patrick’s) personality altered in a way that would dramatically explain her leaving Patrick/her family (which is *not* something I could see Shelagh as she is currently portrayed ever wanting to do). So faced with the option of death, drastic character derailment (and I really don’t see CtM doing this), or having the whole family leave the show, I would actually prefer the third option—all of them leaving, because to me this is most consistent with the characters (although I would most prefer if they all stay). I’m not sure I could still watch the show if option a or especially option b happened.  The same would apply for Patrick as well, although for some reason I think it makes more dramatic sense for his character to die and leave Shelagh widowed than the other way around (although *neither* is much preferred).  

Anyway, back to exits and closure, I think having Patsy and Delia leave together also eliminates another problem, and that’s the “why is X still here if Y isn’t coming back?” problem that they had when they kept Peter on the show for so long without Chummy coming back. In that case, I think they just really wanted Miranda Hart to come back, so they held out hope as long as they could and kept Peter around so that viewers wouldn’t forget that Chummy still existed in the world of the show, and so that they could resume their story together when/if she came back. What they didn’t seem to anticipate was that keeping Peter around actually made Chummy’s absence even *more* glaring, and also diminished Peter’s character so he just became the Designated Police Officer character. With Jane, I think keeping in the line they had originally filmed (about her going to nursing school) would have been an adequate exit, but for Chummy they need to mention something about the family moving away or something now that Peter isn’t coming back. This will leave the door open for any appearances in the future (they could visit or move back), but it would provide some closure in case they never come back. The same needs to happen for Patsy and Delia.

So, for Patsy and Delia, I hope what happens is that in the Christmas special, before new nurse Lucille arrives, the need for a new midwife is explained by saying something about why Patsy and Delia left. Maybe Delia has finished her midwife training and got a job back in Wales, or somewhere else outside of Poplar, and Patsy goes with her.  I actually do think their exit will be mentioned (it really should be, anyway), and this is one way I can see how they could do that.

Now, I know this essay is really long now but I wanted to address one more issue, and that’s how actor availability sometimes dictates the plot of a show in ways that may not be easy to explain. This is exemplified by cases that I’ve seen mentioned before by fans, like the question of why Chummy and/or Jenny weren’t at Sister Evangelina’s funeral. Logically, you would think they would be there, but the show can’t show something if they don’t have the actress there for the story. I’m sure the creative team would have loved to have Chummy make an appearance in episode 5x08, but Miranda Hart wasn’t available, so Heidi was left with the only option—not having her there. You can (as I do) choose to headcanon it so that Chummy was actually at the church for the funeral but wasn’t there for the procession for some reason, or you can just assume that for some reason the character wasn’t able to be there at all. No matter how much it seems like something *should* happen, the show can’t *make* it happen if the actors they would need aren’t available. This is relevant to Patsy and Delia’s exit in that if they don’t appear in the Christmas special, I would guess it means that for whatever reason Emerald and Kate weren’t available for filming, which would necessitate an off-screen mention of their exit rather than an on-screen send-off like Jenny’s in 3x08. Or possibly Kate could be there with Emerald absent, and show Delia getting ready to move away and join Patsy wherever she has gone (which will/should be explained).

So, that’s all, I think. I’m sad to see Patsy, Delia, and Cynthia go, and I’m especially sad for the Pupcake shippers who were so invested in this couple and these characters. I hope these characters will be able to appear on the show again sometime in the future!

[samanthasroberts]

5 Balls-Out Insane Competitions You Won’t Believe Are Real

Sports were born when a subset of humanity became obsessed with the question: “Who among us is the best at doing this arbitrary physical thing?” Extreme sports came to be when an even smaller, crazier sect asked: “How could we make this arbitrary physical thing as dangerous as possible so that some of us can finally be granted the sweet release of death?” Follow that path to its logical conclusion, and you get this shit:

#5. There Are People Who Drown Themselves For Fun

“Freediving” sounds like the kind of carefree sport the whole family could enjoy during a vacation to Hawaii. “Free” makes it sound like there’s not a lot of rules, so maybe it just involves flopping around in a pool? And the “winner” is whoever has the most fun? But we suppose they had to go with that name rather than the more accurate “competitive drowning.”

Motto: “If at first you don’t GLUB GLUB BLUB.”

Freedivers are all about diving as far down as they can, ever trying to beat the last great attempt. They don’t wear oxygen tanks — they voluntarily deal in apnea, the cessation of breath. They dive down either with their own power, aided by weights, or strapping themselves into a machine known as “no limits,” and come up at the last second with a balloon-style flotation device — basically an Opposite Day parachute.

These are people who have painstakingly taught themselves to survive up to 9 minutes, 24 seconds without air, and it is precisely as dangerous as it sounds: There are around 5,000 freedivers in the world, and an estimated 100 of them die every year. That’s 2 percent of your entire sport just up and dying on an annual basis, and the people who perish are not just overconfident rookies: In 2015, Natalia Molchanova, the greatest superstar of the sport, never surfaced from a freedive that she was doing just for shits and giggles.

At that depth, shits and giggles are both fatal.

“Now, hold on,” you’re surely saying. “If it’s just a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest, why not do it in a small tank of water, where they can easily sit up if they exceed their limits?” Oh, you naive fool. You’re still not getting it: It’s because freedivers are fucking crazy. Understand, the body changes in many ways when you go hundreds of feet deep with no air but what you hold in your body. In some competitions, half of the divers come up unconscious. A study of 57 freedivers in an eight-day competition saw a whopping 35 of them suffer from some “adverse event” or another due to the body freaking out because of the lack of air.

Which makes sense, as their body is all but completely failing on these dives. Like a robot running out of battery, the typical freediver’s heart slows down to just 14 beats per minute, as opposed to the normal human heartbeat of 60 to 100 beats per minute. People in a coma have a faster beat. You shouldn’t be able to maintain consciousness, let alone operate at that level. In fact, experts reportedly have little idea how 100 percent of the divers don’t wind up unconscious on these dives.

Yet they push on, despite — or because of — the insanely high mortality rate and the fact that science has no idea how they’re doing their thing.

#4. You Can Take A 30-Mile Swim In Some Of The Most Shark-Infested Waters In The World

If you’re a world-class swimmer wishing to join some elite company, you could try doing something difficult but boring, like swimming the English Channel. Just keep in mind that over the years more than 2,000 people have actually done it. But there’s another swim out there, less known but far more perilous. How perilous? Try “only five people have ever done it.”

And that’s five more than would have in a sane world.

The 30-mile swim between the Farallon Islands and San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge is 10 miles longer than the English Channel route, but that’s just part of its terrorizing charm. The course goes straight through an area called the Red Triangle, a fun area of the ocean with the greatest number of great white shark attacks on humans. Shockingly, this means that anyone stupid/courageous enough to attempt the Farallon-Golden Gate route risks having to cut their swim short for little things like, oh, suddenly noticing that a great white shark has started circling them.

Sharks are banned from all but the most exciting Olympic events.

But the sharks aren’t your real enemy — you’re far more likely to succumb to water that can get as chilly as 48 degrees, and if that doesn’t sound very cold to you, it’s because you’ve never been submerged in 48-degree water for hours. It’s cold enough to suck the heat out of the body so fast that you’ll go into shock and won’t be able to control your breathing. One early attempter’s body temperature got so low that, when his support ship fished him out, the nurse on scene initially declared him dead.

And then there’s the weather. The route has a portion nicknamed the Potato Patch, known for its unpredictable, huge swells. Riding the waves on the Potato Patch can be like getting tossed off a 10-story building (80 to 100 feet at their peak), and its many currents, shifts, and whirlpools can be like you’ve fallen into God’s washing machine during the spin cycle. That is what the Farallon-Golden Gate swimmers are trying to swim through … after already swimming for hours, after already having seen all of their limbs go numb from the freezing cold.

Actual frost zombies have refused to compete.

But hey, screw sharks, cold, and waves, right? Surely modern technology has plenty of wetsuit with cold repellents, shark repellents, and wave … repellents that enable a strong swimmer to power through the route? Well, they might … if it wasn’t for the fact that whatever maniac set the rules for the swim declared that to officially complete this route, you aren’t even allowed a wetsuit. You’ll be jumping in the freezing, watery sharknado wearing just a bathing suit, goggles, and a swimming cap. We’re kind of surprised they even allow that.

#3. There’s A 3,100-Mile Foot Race … All Around The Same Block

Really, this had to happen. Marathons and ultra-marathons are a thing, so of course someone keeps adding more and more “ultras” in there until you wind up with a 3,100-mile race some sad-sack sports addict is actually prepared to try to finish. That much is no surprise. What is surprising, however, is the precise nature of this race. You’d think that the longest foot race on the planet would be an epic course over several varied, marvelous countries, or at least a Forrest Gump-style, winding, coast-to-coast trek across America.

The scenery: spectacular. The food situation: complicated.

What you wouldn’t expect is a mind-numbing hamster wheel race around a single city block in New York. But that’s what the Self-Transcendence 3,100 Mile Race is all about, and that’s what the few dedicated super-runners willing to take part in the competition face: endless laps around a single block in a boring cityscape, on a ruthless concrete surface. For 52 days, their day starts at 6 a.m. They run (or walk) until midnight, trying their best to complete all the required miles before the time limit is up. Do the math, and that’s basically two marathons a day, every day, for almost two months.

So unless they’re willing to cut down on their daily six-hour break, there’s no fun with friends, no TV, no shopping, no video games, just monotonous running on the same stretch of dreary New York streets. And yeah, this isn’t even the interesting streets — the block is a boring-ass one in Jamaica, Queens, creating a course of a little under .55 miles. It’s like purgatory for runners.

Purgajoggy.

Some of the runners are in it just because they like to run. Most of them are disciples of the Bengali Guru Sri Chinmoy, and believe that part of spirituality is taking on seemingly impossible physical challenges. Regardless of their motivation, this race might not make headlines with crazy injuries or deaths, but it’s still pretty hard on the feet … literally. Runners go through a dozen pairs of shoes during the race, and because no shoe feels good for long on a two-marathons-per-day pace, they generally just give up and cut the toe area away, letting their toes enjoy the sunshine. As for the ones who don’t, well … one runner had to have all of his toenails removed, because it was either that or the toes as well. He took a little two-hour break, and then resumed his race.

Then there’s the matter of diet. The runners estimate they burn through 10,000 calories per day, so they need intensely calorie-rich foods to keep from withering away, so they pretty much need to be snacking all the time. Said snacks, by the way, range from simple apples and glasses of (non-alcoholic) beer to freaking sticks of butter.

“No time to stop and chew, just give it to me as a suppository.”

Still, with their shoes giving up under them and nourished by things that would down a lesser person, the runners blaze on. The race has taken place regardless of the conditions; one year, New York was suffering such an insane heat wave that the mayor declared a “heat emergency” and estimated there would be 140 heat-related deaths in the city. The race went on as planned, though presumably the participants had to ingest their butter from a cup.

#2. In One Desert Rally, Mad Max Comes To Life

The universe of Mad Max is one of those gloriously madcap fictional worlds that are gorgeous to look at but might be somewhat unpleasant to actually live in. Real-life limitations and common sense render it borderline impossible to re-create Fury Road-style massive, deadly car chases where crazy people ride awesome custom vehicles through never-ending deserts. That is, unless you count the Dakar Rally, which just so happens to be that exact thing.

Dakar is Senegal’s word for “vulture chow.”

The 3,000-mile Dakar Rally used to be between Paris and Dakar, Senegal, but had to be moved to South America in 2009 because of terrorism threats. You can take part with pretty much any land vehicle you fancy, from trucks and normal cars to motorcycles and quads. It’s a two-week off-road race with speeds averaging 100 miles per hour, and unholy insanity is pretty much its status quo. Since its inception in 1978, the Dakar Rally has claimed over 50 lives.

The ways it can kill your ass are varied and plentiful: People have died of heat stroke, heart attacks, and thirst, or a combination of all three plus terror caused by simply getting lost. Spectators aren’t any safer: In this year’s rally, 10 people were injured right off the bat when an out-of-control car went careening into the stands. That’s right: This is a race that isn’t even safe to watch.

The photographer is this picture’s only confirmed survivor.

#1. You Can Spend A Week Running Through The Deadliest Jungle In The World

It’s called the Jungle Marathon, which is a much more descriptive name than “freediving” but still undersells exactly what madness is taking place. For one thing, a marathon is 26.2 miles — this one is a seven-day, 137-mile trek. So, more than five of those. The “jungle” part is accurate, though — you’re doing the whole jaunt through the Amazon, the long-reigning champion in the “green hell” weight class of geographical hellholes.

The knee-high swamp wins in the “brown-hell” class.

So, in this particular competition, your race is not so much for the prize as it is for getting to the goal in one piece, and your most dangerous opponent is Mother Nature herself. Participants face challenges like the Jaguar Alley, a portion of the race that goes through known jaguar territory, where runners are advised to avoid running too far away from each other and armed guards stand watch at night (yes, of course they stay overnight in the area. How else could the jaguars get a sporting chance?) To date, no one has been eaten by a jaguar (as far as we know), but multiple people have seen them, and more than one competitor has reported being stalked by them.

The race directors do their best to make sure the journey is safe-ish, but as shitty as humanly possible; after all, this is an extreme sports event, so things tend to — and are meant to — leave sports competition territory and veer screaming into disaster-movie land. Not that they have to try too hard. The most recurring attacks from the local fauna come from wasps, which pretty much attack every single runner in the race. It’s not unheard of for a runner to limp on with 18 stingers sticking out of them.

Other wildlife that takes little to no shit from human passersby include supersized ants, ticks, snakes, and venomous scorpions. There have even been multiple reports of freaking stingray attacks (yes, you’re splashing through water in many parts of the race). Or maybe nothing will sting or bite you, and you just have to escape an angry wild pig by climbing up a tree. Did we mention that many trees in the Amazon are poisonous and can cause numbness just from touching them? Good luck running with a body you can no longer feel, buster! On the other hand, not feeling your legs might be a good thing, because the jungle does a person’s body absolutely no favors.

“Why, peeling and discarding excess toes doesn’t hurt at all!”

And then there’s the heat and humidity, which by itself would make the run a nightmare even if all other conditions were ideal. You don’t get help, either — competitors have to haul their own gear throughout the race. As such, the completion rate of the Jungle Marathon is predictably low: In 2012, 60 people started the race. Only 11 managed to finish it in full. And that’s picking from a group of people already willing to travel around the world to compete in such an event in the first place — the craziest of the crazy, in other words.

We like to imagine the other 49 people took two steps into the jungle, stopped, blinked, and said, “Wait, what the fuck am I doing?”

For as long as competitions have been a thing, there have been those who just need to make them infinitely more painful to perform. See what we mean in The 6 Most Terrifying Historical Car Races and 5 Bizarrely Masochistic Races People Run For ‘Fun’.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-balls-out-insane-competitions-you-wont-believe-are-real/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/10/27/5-balls-out-insane-competitions-you-wont-believe-are-real/

[newyorkvoguette]

It’s gonna be May

MONTH OF May

Ready for more stability in your life, Aries? Well, here it comes—kinda. The Sun is in Taurus until May 20, heating up your second house of money, work and security. This is your annual time to get grounded after your birthday season and to put a practical action plan behind your big ideas. After an active and unpredictable April, you might be craving more certainty and direction!

But the headline news arrives smack in the middle of the month and with it, some surprising plot twists. On May 15, disruptor Uranus enters Taurus for the first time since 1942—so yeah, it’s definitely a big deal. Uranus, the planet of sudden change, revolution and innovation, will be here for the next eight years, causing a ripple effect through your career and financial endeavors.

In some ways, it could be a relief: You’ve hosted Uranus in Aries since 2011, which has been exciting and exhausting in equal measure. This chapter of your life was ripe with exploration and experimentation, but since Uranus also creates upheaval, it’s been hard to gain traction on your lofty plans. Now that Uranus will settle into Taurus and your concrete second house, you’ll be ready to build—and monetize—one (or more) of your brilliant ideas. If you’ve been dreaming of a career change, you might finally take action. The way you make a living could shift radically between now and 2026, and since Uranus rules technology, your income could come from unconventional sources. Perhaps you’ll start investing in cryptocurrency, launch an app that goes viral or begin earning passive income online.

But don’t blow your whole budget on bitcoin, Aries. Uranus is in “fall” in Taurus, meaning it’s in its least comfortable position here. It makes sense: Uranus is all about massive change, while Taurus craves consistency and wants to keep things the same. It’s like hosting a radical activist and a member of the old guard in the same place. They’ll have to settle their differences and strike a balance between progress and tradition.

Finding a middle ground can still be fun. While you might not quit your day job immediately, you could decide to go the freelance or independent-contractor route. Or you may start shifting your daily lifestyle to include some cutting-edge dietary and wellness practices. Uranus will back into Aries one last time—from November 6, 2018, until March 6, 2019—before it enters Taurus for the long haul next spring. Treat this first round as a test run by taking a toe-in-the-water approach or dabbling with a few different options.

That same day (May 15), the stars also serve up the year’s only Taurus new moon, which will reset your fiscal compass. While Uranus brews up some extreme possibilities, the new moon asks: What do you want in the next two weeks…and six months? Seeds planted now will manifest at the Taurus full moon on October 24. Map out a step-by-step action plan. If you’d like to change a habit or start some new daily rituals, this is an auspicious time to start.

On May 20, the Sun flits into Gemini for a month-long spin through your third house of communication and mental processes. Activity will heat up on the local scene, and your social life will be abuzz. After an industrious Taurus season, you can now step away from your workspace and pitch your ideas, brainstorm or just enjoy friendly companionship. You never know when one of your conversations could light a spark of inspiration. Since the third house rules neighborhoods, you might get involved in a community project, like a seed and plant exchange, a fundraising drive or a spring cleanup of a public space.

While a lot of this month’s cosmic activity is practical, there’s also a mystical undercurrent brewing. From May until August, expansive Jupiter in Scorpio will travel in a close trine—a harmonious, 120-degree angle—to spiritual Neptune in Pisces. Jupiter is in your eighth house of intimacy while Neptune is in your twelfth house of receiving and creativity. Merging with others for mutual gain—and to improve society—could be an auspicious move.

These “yin” energies are a very different vibe for many Aries, since you tend to be more of a proactive pursuer. Sitting back and waiting for divine guidance? Sounds good on paper, but it’s not something you actually DO most of the time. But patience is crucial to tapping into the magic of this transit, Aries. Visualize the outcome you desire, then let the universe arrange the details of how it happens.

On May 25, Jupiter and Neptune will make an exact alignment, which can bring a supercharged moment of manifesting. The saying “ask, believe, receive” could become more than a New Age bumper sticker platitude. You might connect with a kindred spirit or, under these supernatural stars, channel a powerful message from a departed loved one. If you’ve been grappling with a loss or feeling emotionally blocked, you might decide to try a past-life regression or a session with a qualified spirit medium. A close person could open up and share a secret; keep it in absolute confidence if they do.

Jupiter and Neptune’s alignment can help you open up to love, since these planets lend you the courage to be vulnerable and compassionate. As an experiment, let go of a grudge and forgive, Aries. Hanging onto that resentment is only hurting YOU, so release yourself from the grips of this toxic dynamic. And yes, we know this is easier said than done. Often we “protect” ourselves from further hurt by retelling a narrative that casts the other person as an untrustworthy villain. Leaving that story behind can be scary. But as Jupiter and Neptune make this rare alignment, they’ll help you to do so—and set yourself free in the process.

The month ends on a note of sweet freedom, when the May 29 Sagittarius full moon beams into your ninth house of adventure, travel and new experiences. Where have you been holding yourself back? Unleash yourself, Ram! You’re ready to take a leap of faith, perhaps on a project you’ve been developing since the Sagittarius new moon back on December 3, 2017. An idea that seemed outlandish or “impossible” might come together, or you could summon the courage to launch one of your visionary concepts to a wider market. With the revelatory full moon in your truth-telling ninth house, an honest conversation could clear the air. Have you been looking for the right moment to take a giant step into your own future? This full moon could be it!

LOVE & ROMANCE:

For the first half of May, amorous Venus is revving things up in mental Gemini and your social third house, but when it comes to heavy-duty romancing, she’s in more of a low-power mode. While it’s fine to go out and flirt, you may not be up to your usual level of focus and fierceness. But that could be a good thing! When dating feels like an obligation—or a job—nothing really gels. Relax and have fun, and who knows? By dialing the pressure down, you may actually feel more alluring! Attached? Schedule more hangouts with mutual pals and reconnect to the friendship part of your bond.

On top of that, Mars is trooping through Capricorn and your career house from March 17 to May 16, keeping you so busy at work that there’s precious little time for romance. Or, you could start to stress about the future of a commitment. Don’t get so caught up in where something is going that you lose sight of the here and now. Because this realm rules men and authority figures, you may be feeling some old “dad issues” or tension from your family that no Aries ever responds well to. Suss out what YOU want from a desire to gain approval from someone you admire. Nobody appreciates being treated like a trophy.

The emotional climate shifts in the second half of the month. Passionate Mars barrels into Aquarius and your eleventh house of technology and platonic connections on May 16 (through August 12—an extended visit because the red planet turns retrograde on June 26). This excitable energy will color your summer, possibly igniting a romance with a friend or a promising online prospect. Note that the retrograde could throw a wrench into things and delay progress, so be patient!

While Mars is in this somewhat aloof zone, Venus heads off in a whole other direction, shimmying into Cancer and your sentimental, touchy-feely fourth house on May 19. Domestic matters will be foremost on your mind. If you’re in a newish relationship, you might already be thinking of key exchanges—or least imagining what this person would be like to live with. Easy there, Ram: If this is a keeper, there’ll be plenty of time for that, so enjoy the buildup! Couples will enjoy doing more nesting, and nest-feathering. Got a dream reno project in mind? Start researching, gathering samples and getting bids!

Key Dates: May 7: Venus-Neptune square Old childhood wounds could get triggered and raise anxiety levels. But instead of reflexively talking them out, try to FEEL them in your body and work through them that way. Don’t let fear or confusion cause you to lash out at innocent parties. Chances are, your imagination is running wild.

All your biggest love days

Want some more? Get the must-know love and relationship dates for each month in The AstroTwins’ 2018 Planetary Planner. A whole year of forecasts, mapped out for you. Never miss an opportunity again!

MONEY & CAREER:

Keep on pushing, Aries! On May 16, energizer Mars will wrap up a two-month visit to Capricorn, your tenth house of career and success, which has sent your ambitions skyward. Mars happens to be your ruling planet, so you’re particularly impacted by its movements. And since it only visits his “exalted” sign every two years, you could make huge strides by the middle of May.

Just before Mars exits, innovator Uranus will blast into Taurus and your second house of work and finances on May 15, accompanied by a new moon in this same security-seeking sign. Uranus hasn’t been here in 77 years, so prepare for a once-in-a-lifetime money makeover—and possibly a radical one—between now and 2026. As Uranus ends a seven-year run through Aries, you may feel some relief, although he’ll be back for a final hurrah from November 6, 2018, until March 6, 2019. But finally, you can start turning your ahead-of-the-curve ideas into a reliable income stream.

Start mapping out ways to monetize your ingenuity, Ram. With technophile Uranus here, perhaps you’ll set up a platform where you can deliver digital products, thrive at e-commerce or work remotely. Explore ways that you can bring ease and simplicity to your life through apps or the “gig economy.”

These plans could accelerate once Mars marches into Aquarius and your digitally savvy, collaborative eleventh house from May 16 to August 12. Mars is here for an extended three-month stay, so your summer could be consumed with a project that has a strong virtual component. The only caveat? Mars will turn retrograde on June 26, which could bring frustrating slowdowns and tension. Try to work out most of the kinks in the next six weeks if you can! Mars will have a second, retrograde-free run from September 10 to November 15, so anything you “soft launch” in the next two months could go full-scale this fall.

Key Dates: May 8: Sun-Jupiter opposition Double-check your numbers! Today, as the willful Sun locks horns with optimistic Jupiter across your financial axis, some of your time-and-money calculations may be way off the mark. Don’t be lured into overspending. Go back to the drawing board and get it right.

All your must-know career dates

Want some more? Get the top money and career dates for each month in The AstroTwins’ 2018 Planetary Planner. A whole year of forecasts, mapped out for you. Never miss an opportunity again!

Love Days: 20, 25 Money Days: 14, 3 Luck Days: 12, 29 Off Days: 21, 27, 10

[murasaki-murasame]

Danganronpa V3 Liveblog Part 15 [Chapter 5 - Daily Life]

Well things sure took a turn.

Thoughts under the cut.

I kinda knew in advance that this was around when the game was gonna veer into it’s end-game, but I didn’t know what to expect, so . . . this sure took me by surprise. Huh.

I’ll talk about the major plot reveals and stuff in a second, but first I just wanna say that I’m really fucking sad about Kaito dying. And also surprised by it. I thought he was going to kill someone in this chapter. Like, I genuinely thought that was a thing I’d been indirectly spoiled about. I probably shouldn’t talk about what exactly I read that made me think that, in case it comes up later, but I still thought that I’d been spoiled in advance about him being a killer, so . . . I guess this is good, in that it means it came as a surprise, but I’m still sad that he died. He was one of my favourite characters, so obviously I wanted him to stick around. But I’d already prepared myself for the idea of him getting executed and dying that way, so I’m at least not shaken too much by the basic idea of him dying.

I’m almost afraid to even play the next part because I feel like Shuichi’s reaction to this is gonna emotionally destroy me. 

[Rant time starting, I guess]

Just to get it out of the way before getting into the rest of this post, I still interpret Shuichi as having a crush on Kaito. I’m still not entirely sure if I think it’s “““canon”““ or whatever, but especially with Tsumugi pointing it out with her ‘reverse love triangle’ comment, the subtext is completely intentional and being actively acknowledged by the story at this point. It already was, with Shuichi’s inner monologues in Kaito’s free time events, but it’s even more concrete now that it got pointed out during the ‘actual story’, so to say, and not just an optional free time event. Anyway, I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt for now, since his feelings still come across as an authentic portrayal of someone in the closet, but since the subtext is explicitly acknowledged in the text now, I’m willing to hold the writers accountable if they handle this entire topic in a really shitty way. It’d just leave a bad taste in my mouth, especially after the whole Juzo thing in DR3, as I brought up before.

I should probably say that I think Maki’s crush on Kaito is cute and understandable and endearing. I’m just preemptively annoyed at the prospect of the game setting up that sort of conventional heterosexual crush while also being really shitty toward the idea of Shuichi the exact same sort of crush, just because it’d be a gay one in his case. But still. We’ll see how it goes.

I mean obviously on some level you could say that it ‘doesn’t matter’ because Kaito’s dead, but I’m only talking about the idea of the nature of Shuichi’s feelings for Kaito, and how the game frames those feelings in relation to other things, like Maki’s feelings for Kaito. The fact that Kaito’s dead doesn’t really have anything to do with that. My point still stands.

[Rant time over]

I should probably leave my discussion of the big plot stuff for the last section of the post since it’ll be the longest, probably, so I’ll talk about other parts of this chapter first.

I got the skill from the casino that removes some of the blocks in the mind mine sections, but I probably won’t bother equipping it at this point since there’s other skills I care about more. I just got it because I could. The skill about getting a faster Psyche Taxi car seemed too pointless [and expensive] to bother with, though. I feel like those parts would just get too awkward if they went much faster. And on that whole note, I still feel a bit sad that Kaito’s free time event skill was related to that mini-game, since I probably won’t bother using it. It’s not a very difficult mini-game, and I’m also not entirely sure what ‘lets you pick up more letter cubes’ even means.

Then I got Shuichi’s handbook theme, since I figured I may as well get at least one theme for it. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that like half of the design is really heavily red/black. The description for it’s kinda . . . inaccurate, lol. I like it, though. I would have gotten Kaito’s one since purple’s my favourite colour, but for some reason his theme was way more expensive than Shuichi’s, so I didn’t bother.

Also, the hard difficulties for the gambling games are really hard. I don’t think I could do any of them consistently well. Even on the medium difficult I just stick to the driving one since I can do that pretty well.

I also did the second, third, and fourth free time events for Maki. I wanted to finish her event chain off, but I didn’t have time, and I don’t think I’ll be getting any more chances for the rest of the game. Oh well. I still love Maki as a character. She’s great. I feel so bad for her, but I also can’t help but respect her strength and endurance. It really warms my heart to think that she’s making steps toward regaining the sense of humanity and normality that was beaten out of her. But obviously you then have the, uh, plot revelations in this chapter looming over any sort of idea of the characters overcoming their personal struggles and making it all really depressing and bittersweet.

As I said above, I also do find her crush on Kaito to be really cute and endearing [at least in a vacuum]. It’d be kinda hypocritical for me to dislike the idea of it, since her reasons for falling for him are very similar to the reasons why I think Shuichi fell for him too.

I don’t really think the game’s even trying to set it up so it might not be worth mentioning, but I’m largely ambivalent about the idea of shipping Shuichi and Maki. I kinda hope that the game doesn’t try and stick them together just because Kaito died. That’d be a little awkward and depressing.I figured that in this chapter we’d find Kaito and Rantarou’s labs, and I was completely right. There’s nothing much to say about Kaito’s lab, other than that it feels kinda cruel to put his lab at the top of a huge staircase when he’s literally dying from a terminal illness. As for Rantarou’s lab, I’m not too surprised that we weren’t allowed inside it. It’s making me really curious to see what the hell his talent actually is, since they’re still keeping it a secret, and even implying that it’d be a really big deal if we found out. There’s not much to go on, but the weapons and blood spray painted on the entrance to his room definitely makes it seem like his talent relates to killing. But that’d feel weirdly redundant in a game that already has an Ultimate Assassin. We’ll see, I guess. I still feel like Rantarou has to somehow play into the climax of the game, but I’ll get to that later in the post.

We also didn’t find Kokichi’s lab, as I suspected. I still can’t help but think that he’s actually the Ultimate Prisoner, even though the plot reveals in this chapter definitely establish a plausible explanation for why he might genuinely be the Ultimate Supreme Leader. I still can’t help but doubt him, though.On a sort of random note, I’m honestly slightly baffled that Tsumugi is still alive. I don’t really dislike her at all, but she just seems so . . . pointless? Basically nothing ever happens with her, she never really faces any meaningful or personal problems, she doesn’t have any real character arc or a sense of development, etc etc etc. There’s nothing actively bad about her, I’m just kinda surprised that the game decided to keep her alive instead of someone else. I mean, I was surprised by Himiko surviving, but at least in her case she’s more of an actual developed character who has a satisfying development arc. I really expected someone like Miu to survive instead of someone like Tsumugi. But it’s a good thing that the game at least somewhat surprised me in terms of who survived this far. I guess technically she might not survive past this chapter if she’s the one who killed Kaito, but we’ll get to that whole topic later.

OK I guess I should finally address the elephant in the room and talk about the big plot reveals. There’s . . . a lot to go over. I’ve seen some people say that this game doesn’t actually connect heavily to the first games, and that it can be played on it’s own just fine, but at this point I really, really don’t think it works as a standalone game, unless they’re completely misleading us with where the story’s going. This whole part even included an exposition dump about the gist of what happened over the course of DR1-3 in order to explain the workings of the world and how things ended up the way they did in this game. Surprisingly they didn’t really comment much on the DR2 side of things beyond talking about the idea of the Remnants of Despairs without ever bringing up the fact that they were the DR2 cast. But still, you get what I mean. All of the sudden discussion of Hope’s Peak Academy, Junko, Naegi, the Remnants of Despair, the Future Foundation, etc, wouldn’t have any meaning or impact to someone who hadn’t been following the franchise already. I really like the way this game is tying itself to the earlier games, and providing at least some kind of a, uh, conclusive end-point to the DR universe, but yeah I really feel bad for anyone playing this part as a new fan.

I imagine that a lot of people are probably upset with the idea that Kodaka basically destroyed his entire fictional universe, if this is indeed what’s going on. It’s an incredibly risky sort of story development, at least because it kinda makes everything the DR1-2 casts did to save the world seem pointless in hindsight. But it feels really fitting, in a way, that the DR universe ended in a fiery apocalypse, and that even after a fiery apocalypse, we still get one last killing game. It’s a depressing end to the series, but for a story that was all about the idea of reveling in the thrill of despair and the voyeuristic appeal of murder, it’s pretty fitting that this is how things ended up. It’ll definitely feel . . . uncomfortable revisiting the franchise in hindsight, though, knowing all this. In a lot of ways it feels like this game is all about Kodaka bringing this franchise to as definitive an ending as possible, and amping up every theme of the story to 11. It’s an interesting experience. It’s especially interesting to consider how this is incredibly similar to DR1′s ending, except instead of it being a lie that the world was completely uninhabitable and that humanity had died, it’s all completely true. It really doesn’t seem like there’s any hope for the surviving characters in this game, aside from them just spending the rest of their lives at the academy. Assuming, again, that what we’re being shown and told is correct. I wonder if there’ll be a bad ending like in DR1, about showing everyone years after deciding to stay inside the academy forever. That’d be . . . really depressing, but kinda fitting.

I don’t think they have any real chance of actually leaving the academy. If the world really is at a state where there’s literally no breathable oxygen left, then they’re kinda fucked, no matter how much hope they have. There’s not much to do in that scenario. I also doubt that there’s any real chance for repopulation to happen on any sort of macro scale. I don’t think even all 16 of them would have been enough to repopulate the entire species, but with just seven of them left there’s not much to be done. I really couldn’t help but sympathize with all of them when they were basically just planning to die, and thinking about how if this was going to be the truth they would face, then they should have just died long ago. I can’t really blame them. Even with the nebulous power of hope on their side, there’s not much they can do. It hurt enough seeing Shuichi contemplate suicide, but it REALLY hurt seeing Himiko talk about wanting to die painlessly, and asking Maki if she knew how to do that. Seeing Maki seriously answer that question really drove in how bad the situation was. And yeah, it also hurt seeing Himiko say that Tenko wouldn’t blame her for killing herself in this scenario.

In a way, it’s probably almost a good thing that Kaito got murdered, since he was never going to be able to get treatment for his illness, and so his only other option was to eventually die a much more drawn out and painful death that everybody would have been powerless to stop. Before I forget, I should say that, especially with the reveals in this chapter, I’m getting more and more convinced that the voice in Keebo’s head is Naegi. At least, like, an AI version of Naegi, or something along those lines. So that’s an interesting idea to consider. To address the OTHER elephant in the room, I’m kinda surprised that Kokichi ended up being the mastermind. It’s just weird that the suspicious character really did end up being the villain. It’s definitely surprising, though, so that’s a good thing. I can’t help but continue to doubt him, though. It just feels TOO convenient and simple. The idea of him being the leader of the Remnants makes enough sense, but I thought that the Remnants solely consisted of Junko and the DR2 cast, who of course all got rehabilitated. I guess maybe there could have been others, though. Mostly, I think I’m just suspicious about the fact that all of these huge, conclusive plot twists and reveals are happening when we still have an entire chapter or so left after this one [presumably], and there’s still several major hanging plot threads, like everything to do with Rantarou, and also the Monokubs. They all seem tied into this currently unexplored plot point of a previous killing game that happened, and I don’t know how that ties in. It’s also very suspicious, in hindsight, that Rantarou knew in advance that there’d be a killing game, let alone the fact that he said he needed to win it. If he knew about the world ending, I feel like there’d be no real point in wanting to win a killing game. There’s also the fact that he said the killing game is ‘one he wanted to have happen’, which is a big reason why I can’t help but wonder if Kokichi’s lying about being the real mastermind behind all this. With everything we know now, Rantarou knowing about the killing game in advance and wanting it to happen so he can win it seems incredibly suspicious.

I still also feel like the Monokubs might have been programmed to resemble the other potential survivors of the killing game Rantarou was part of, so there’s also that to consider.Also, I still haven’t forgotten the weird time loop thing that happened at the start of the game. I’m also still completely aware of how much the game keeps repeating the concept of everything being ‘like a fictional story’. It just keeps coming up again and again. The way that the game framed the idea of ‘Kaede being the protagonist of this story’ was suspicious enough, but the whole ‘story’ idea still keeps getting mentioned. So I can’t help but wonder if that might tie into the true end-game reveals, but I’m not sure how it’d work.I should also say that all of the reveals being discussed here make sense, much more so than I expected. Everything fits together really neatly, and I can understand the logic behind the Gofer Project. Even though I still feel like sending just 16 people to repopulate humanity on an alien planet seems a bit silly. I know I found exact numbers on how many people you’d need to repopulate a civilization without it being completely crippled by inbreeding, but I can’t remember it. Maybe it really is a number close to 16. It still feels like a very low number to me, though.

And yeah the idea of the mastermind tampering with the project in order to arrange a killing game between the last humans alive is exactly the sort of thing I’d expect out of this franchise, in a good way. I can’t help but feel like Kodaka feels kinda cynical about this entire franchise, with how much this entire game is basically tearing down the previous happy endings by spelling out that nearly everyone on earth, including every single character we knew and loved, ended up dead in a fiery apocalypse, with the additional knife-twist of them not even being able to succeed at attempting to restart the human race on a different planet. It feels like Kodaka did everything he could to make a ‘Despair wins’ sort of ending, which is really interesting, given the sorts of moral messages the previous games ended with. I get why it probably bugs a lot of people, but it’s kinda fascinating to watch this all unfold. I’m not trying to deny that it’s depressing as fuck, since oh boy it sure is depressing as fuck, but it’s depressing in an interesting and satisfying way.

Also, before I talk about Kaito’s death, I should also say that while I really like the bookend-y nature of everyone going through the Death Road of Despair and actually escaping [technically], I still find that whole gameplay segment to be a little agonizing. I guess it was easy enough once I realized what exactly the hammer did and how it made things easier, but it took me a few tries to figure it out, and that was kinda frustrating. Oh, and on the whole note of how depressing this turn of events is and how it really puts a damper on the entire franchise, hypothetically, it’s probably also going to put a really bittersweet atmosphere over all of Dating Sim Mode, if it’s what I think it is. It’d just be depressing as hell to watch fun, fluffy, romantic scenes between the characters when I know what the truth is. Oh well.

Anyway, I don’t think I have anything left to talk about aside from Kaito’s murder, so let’s talk about that. As I said before, I didn’t expect him to be a villain, but I was braced for the idea of him dying in this chapter, and honestly as soon as he got kidnapped by Kokichi I just immediately understood that he was about to die. Especially after he and Shuichi got to have one last conversation. I’m really thankful that they got that much, at least. [Also don’t even try and doubt that I nearly teared up when Shuichi thought to himself that he just wanted to hear Kaito tell him that everything was gonna be OK. That part fucked me up. That entire goddamn scene fucked me up inside. And don’t even get me started on the fact that I still think he has a huge crush on Kaito that he’s been desperately trying to deny, which makes the whole thing even more depressing.]

I would have understood the idea of him being a killer, motive-wise. At least before the big plot reveals happened. But after that point, I don’t get why anyone other than Kokichi would have any interest in killing anyone. Well, killing anyone other than Kokichi, that is. Obviously everyone has every reason in the world to kill him, but there’s no reason to kill anyone else. It’s gonna make me really unsure how to work this trial out. Motive-wise, my best guess is that somebody just wanted to mercy-kill him because they knew that, as I said before, he had no chance at survival because of his illness. But in that case, I feel like they should have waited until after they rescued him, so they could at least discuss it as a group. And we know for a fact that the murder happened after the rescue plan was arranged, since Shuichi talked to him while he was scouting out the hangar. So someone decided to go through the trouble of killing him before rescuing him. Additionally, I imagine that the killer isn’t going to just confess immediately, so they’re going to actively lie about it and make everyone go along with another class trial, even though they’d know how traumatic it would be, and how it might cause everyone aside from the killer to die. So that seems really strange, if their motive was just to mercy-kill Kaito and not, you know, kill someone with the intent to win the killing game and escape. I doubt any of them would have had any desire to escape after how they came face to face with the state of the outside world. In general, killing Kaito in this sort of way seems really pointless. Maybe I’ll get proven wrong when I play the next part, but I imagine we’re getting another trial, like always.

I would say that killing him via a hydraulic press also feels really unfitting if it was meant to be a mercy-kill, but since the press deactivates when it scans a living being, I guess that his body must have been crushed after it died. Which makes it seem even more weird and pointless. I can only imagine that it was done to hide the cause of death, but the Monokuma File will probably spell that out. So it all just seems really strange. I’m also assuming that Kaito really IS dead, and it’s not some sort of a trick.So if the cause of death was something else, it basically could have been anything, but I have a feeling that the crossbow from the start of the chapter had something to do with it. Not sure how, though. Obviously it’d imply that he was killed from a distance, but somebody had to be in the room to move his body into the press afterward. Unless Kokichi did that after someone else committed the murder.

It’s really difficult to suspect anyone at this point, but as the cast gets smaller, it gets easier to narrow down the options. Obviously we can rule out Shuichi [unless we get a Kaede-esque twist again, which I could almost see happening], and Kokichi just seems WAAAAY too suspicious. Not to mention that since he had full access to everything, the entire set-up with the barriers and doors and alarms would be kinda pointless if he was the killer. It feels more likely that we’ll have to solve how someone other than Kokichi could have done it.

There’s not many ways to even get access into the room. I assume that everyone who used their hammers in the rescue attempt was charging it for the entire 24 hours, and that none of those ones were used in that time. I also assume that the one Electrobomb they had access to was a one-time use thing, so that maybe probably wasn’t part of it. So in terms of tools, it kinda leaves Maki’s hammer as the conspicuously missing puzzle piece. And like I said above, there’s stuff like the crossbow to consider, in terms of what tools could have been used. Once I play the investigation part I’ll obviously get more clues, but that’s about all I have to go on. That, and the scratched-up control panel, which is suspicious. We also have testimonies from Maki and Keebo about certain things going on over the night before the murder, I think. And Shuichi can also testify that Kaito was still alive when he talked to him.

Really, I feel like Keebo’s the most likely suspect at this point. As I said before, I’m ruling out Kokichi, and I doubt Shuichi’s the culprit even if I can’t rule it out entirely. I also highly doubt that Maki did it. Maybe it could have been her if she just mercy-killed him and immediately came clean about it, but I don’t think she’d lie about it and set up a new class trial. She also had a crush on him, but I guess in a sense that might have made her more likely to want to mercy-kill him. Same goes for Shuichi, of course. I also highly doubt that Tsumugi did it, if only because there’s absolutely nothing pointing at her specifically, at least as of right now. Which leaves us with Keebo. I have no real guess as to what his motive could have been beyond what I said above, but I at least think that he has some amount of a connection to the overall set-up of the murder, which makes me more willing to think he’s connected to it. That is to say, we had the whole scene of him experimenting with how the hydraulic press works and if it counts him as a living being or a machine, and similarly there was the whole point of whether or not the hammer would work on him. But most of all I’m very curious about the Electrobombs. I don’t think the game ever directly raised the question of if he’d be affected by it, which seemed odd to me, and when they used it on the barrier, it seemed to leave him unaffected. I at least think that when it went off, he hadn’t, like, ran outside of it’s blast radius. So I think it just doesn’t affect him somehow, which makes me think that the hammer might not affect him either. It makes sense why the hydraulic press didn’t see him as a living being, but I think that Miu specifically designed those tools so that they wouldn’t work on Keebo. So it’s pretty obvious how it feels like that’ll probably play a big role in figuring out how this murder happened.

And as I’ve said before, he also said a while ago that he always follows the orders of the ‘voice in his head’, which still makes me think that it’s foreshadowing for him having killed someone because of those orders. Which might also help explain the overall weirdness of this case, if the voice also told him to stay quiet about the murder. So yeah, with what little we have to go on, I guess Keebo’s my main suspect, with Shuichi and Maki at a distant second place. Those two both have similar degrees of motive and capabilities [for the record, Shuichi also figured out how the crossbow worked in that one scene, in case that comes up], so I’m putting them at a similar level of suspicion. But because of how Maki already seems kinda immediately suspicious since she left her hammer unused and also because she’s, well, an assassin and whatnot, I feel like she’s probably a bit less likely to be the killer, so maybe I’ll bump her down to third place, below Shuichi, who would definitely be the more surprising option, between the two of them. And yeah I’m not suspecting Kokichi or Tsumugi at all. So that’s where my suspect list is at with this chapter. I’ll probably at least play the investigation part tomorrow, maybe also the trial, but I’m gonna have to brace myself for a whole lot of emotional pain as we go further into this chapter.