#because the older i get the more i realize i could easily become a decent number of the people i've criticized
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A previous ask raises an interesting question about chronicity of Abraxasverse events. Would GxK take place after or before Xenilla's arc?
I was always under the impression Xenilla would happen after Shimo is freed- but after thinking about it it could go both ways actually. Mainly because- if I'm being brutally real- I don't think Shimo would be able to handle Ozymandias' death, at least if she was there to witness it. I can maybe see her eventually moving on if it happened while she was still under Skar's control, but even then I don't know.
Because if she was around when he returned, she'd see it as her second chance. She wasn't around to protect him when he got abducted and this would be her chance to redeem herself for being gone when he needed her most. If they can't save him- like if it wasn't possible or they just failed to do so- that would probably be it for her. The horrifying trauma from what Skar inflicted on her, compounded against finding out Ozzy's alive but actively suffering a very similar fate to what she was, and having it all end in easily the worst failure of her life that costs her best friend his life and that utterly destroys the mental states of most of her best friends; I think she'd just give up. She'd be way older than even Goji at this point so I can see her just deciding that there was no point anymore.
Like mentioned earlier, if Shimo was under Skar's control while Xenilla came back, but the group couldn't save Ozzy and he ends up dying, it would really fuck Shimo up to come back from the hell that Skar inflicted on her just to learn about Ozzy's fate. However, I think this could be a really interesting character moment for Godzilla. Like, he fails to save his brother- but than realizes Ozzy's mate that vanished so long ago, someone he considers family, is alive and in a very similar situation that he failed to save his brother from. It could almost be like a cathartic redemption, and being afforded another chance may even help him move on and endure after the psyche-shattering shit he just had to go through with his brother.
But... then there's a third and fourth option. The third isn't new and a timeline I've already come up with and explored in other asks and submissions: Shimo is freed and than is present to help out against Xenilla- but the gang frees Ozymandias and everything's decently hunky dorry (until the Cordyceps Keymind or whatever catches on and gets pissed).
However, what if Ozzy is freed before the conflict with Skar? What if after being freed from the hell Xenilla inflicted on him he finally learns the fate of his best friend- and realizes immediately just how similar it is to his own hell he just escaped? The worst part of this is that Ozzy can't do anything to save her from it. As established, the King of King's time has long past- his body has been broken beyond repair, never to win another battle, he'd have to put all his faith in his brother's vanguard to do a job that is his by duty. Yet, even if he could put that trust in Godzilla and stay out of the fight- it would not be very easy to just tune out the anguish that Shimo would be in. Especially if the Skar King caught on to this weakness, being more than happy to turn up the dial on Shimo's already ravaged mind just for the slim chance it could draw the former King of Kings out for him to finally slaughter- and become the Skarred King of Kings...
Damn, I got work to do for that timeline!
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You've already had an ask pointing out that Steve has won a championship that the Duffers retconned for a cheap joke but I want to talk about how Steve more than likely would have been able to get into college. Because student athletes have to maintain decent grades - usually a C average and it's usually decided to be a C because that's the grade average colleges will accept - and Steve played 2 sports and would have had to maintain that average. I think the Duffers just realized that they wanted to keep him around but made him older than the rest and didn't want him going off to college, when they easily could have just said he's taking a gap year or had him back visiting over spring break for season 4 or had him attending some community college within a commutable distance to Hawkins. But no, the writers have decided that instead of making Steve a well-rounded character who gets continued development like everyone else, he will get the Joey Tribbiani effect where they make him dumber as time goes on for "humour".
i think i’ve made a post about this before, but yes! it totally doesn’t make sense to me that steve is supposed to have done so badly that he did not get into any college.
in s1, steve says he got a c- in a science class that nancy said was difficult, that’s a decent grade!!
and like you said, he was in basketball, he was co-captain of the swim team, you have to keep above a certain grade to be able to participate in sports!
you could say that steve’s essay was just so bad that he didn’t get in, but actual college people that look at essays have read it and said it wasn’t that bad!
if i was to give a reason as to why steve didn’t go to college, i would say it was a choice. like, i think steve either didn’t apply, or he just didn’t go. because he wasn’t ready to leave hawkins, he was afraid, he didn’t want to grow up yet, he didn’t trust that the upside down was really over. etc.
but like you said, the duffers would rather have a dumb steve joke then try to give steve any actual depth.
i think something that’s happened as seasons have gone by is that some characters have just kind of become caricatures of themselves, or they act in ways to advance some kind of plot, or because it would be funny, rather than because that actually makes sense for their character.
stranger things has suffered under trying to fit into tropes or common character archetypes when it’s subversion of those tropes is what made the show interesting to begin with!
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word vomit venting bc apparently the privacy fence of mental illnesses have allowed emotions to seep through for the moment.
So I've mentioned this to a few folks, but haven't actually talked about it anywhere openly. Early last year my mom got diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's - she's turning 65 this year. Her symptoms aren't...bad per se - not what I know they will be as this disease progresses. We live about seven hours away, and while my partner and I have traveled to visit my folks a decent amount, it's been difficult to schedule them to come up here. Mostly because my father sort of routinely puts a damper on those plans. Like, don't get me wrong. Last year around this time when I had my hysterectomy my mom stayed with me for I think almost two weeks while I recovered. Then, earlier this year when Taylor had to go out of town for work she was able to stay with me while I was having some heart issues that we were trying to sort out. (Which is a rant in and of itself - primarily me, yelling at my primary care provider to listen to me when I say my thyroid medication is too high and I'm having bad side effects due to the above-average-dose he has me on but he says the bloodwork looks fine and now I may have damage to my heart because my resting bpm was 100+ for years BUT THAT'S, AGAIN, ANOTHER STORY.) But now my father is traveling a lot for work and leaving my mother alone at the house. Which, again, her symptoms aren't too terribly advanced, but there are things she loses and forgets and she becomes irritated and angered more easily by small things. There is also little to no support system for her there - if she needed something there are neighbors, but family is all too far away. The other thing is my father will be traveling for my mom's birthday, and I am trying to convince him to let her come stay with Tay and I so we can celebrate and she doesn't have to be alone on her birthday. But he says no, she has to stay there and take care of the house. And it is so frustrating to see him put her health on the back burner like this. They haven't even discussed future care plans yet which, while morbid and sad and nobody wants to think about it, needs to be done when rational decisions can be made and we don't have to panic and quickly make choices that we maybe don't want. I am also offering to go there to stay with her for a week or however long I am able to, and my dad just says "No, no it's fine save it for later." But it comes off as, like, "hey no you can't come see your mom and I'm not letting her come visit you." It doesn't help that I am also realizing that, perhaps, my childhood wasn't healthy and my father played a large roll in that, lmfao. (He also recently told me he liked having me when I was a baby because I didn't do anything, but didn't like it when I got older. So there's that.) They, primarily my father, kept my mother's diagnosis from me for months. They knew about the Alzheimer's for months, and I knew that my mom was getting a full work-up to check, including a spinal tap and lots of bloodwork and imaging, but they just left me hanging. I would call and ask almost every day if they got results from the tests, or if the doctor they were seeing gave an official diagnosis, and they just kept saying 'nope, nothing.' Before this, my mom had surgery for a minor colon spot that was cancerous, and her post-op stay was horrendous. She was taking her leads off and wandering the hospital confused, and people couldn't get through to her and she kept trying to escape and my dad just straight up didn't tell me for almost a year. I could have visited and helped. He could have actually stayed the night so she wasn't waking up confused and scared and alone, especially when it came to light that they weren't taking the best care of her, and were overdosing her on opioids and other pain meds. And just last week my dad was, again on travel, barely an hour north of where I live. And he didn't tell me. We could have driven up and had dinner with him one night this week, especially because he's doing a class that is over in the late afternoon/early evening. I think I last saw him around Christmas? I just!! don't like the feeling of trying to enjoy the time I have left with my folks and my father just doesn't seem to want to be a part of it or allow it. And I'm worried for my mom being left alone so much.
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I absolutely am still working on getting the plank out of my own eye on this one but entirely too many people on the internet are way too comfortable treating cults as entertainment and being accusatory toward cult survivors.
#when i say 'cults as entertainment' i don't mean fiction media about cults shouldn't exist#i mean that people fail to recognize the humanity of cult members and cult survivors#and also fail to recognize their own humanity#(i don't think many people if any are immune to joining a cult)#idk man i've been researching jonestown since i finished that jeff guinn book#watching interviews with and reflections written by survivors#and the sheer amount of people who feel its their place to criticize how these survivors reacted to their entire world crashing down#it just absolutely disgusts me#'rip to them but i'm different' are you??? are you really so different???#because the older i get the more i realize i could easily become a decent number of the people i've criticized#obligatory new religious movement rabbit hole tag#live from the scriptorium
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Chapter 4-”Ma” Survival: Elluka; Scene 2
Original Sin Story: Punishment, pages 87-91
The children of god aren’t born.
.
The children of god aren’t found.
.
Someone must become mother.
.
She must birth the children of god.
.
…She had heard the ‘Voice of God’ so often when she was a shrine maiden that she’d grown sick of it.
And it now rang through Elluka’s mind for the first time in years.
This voice, the gender of which she couldn’t discern, sounded to Elluka as though it was commanding, or even imploring her.
Were the gods getting impatient?
Impatient to be reborn soon onto the ground world.
--For what purpose?
To save the world…That was the theory proposed by the senate.
Supposing for argument’s sake that were true, then that would have to mean that the threat advancing on the world had to be mighty enough that it could rival the gods’ power.
She had yet to see a single omen of such a thing anywhere.
.
“The Clockworker Magic Workshop”.
So read the sign that had been set up outside the building that Elluka entered.
It had been a while since she’d come back here.
And just like always Kiril was quietly engrossed in his job before his workbench.
He realized that Elluka was there, lifting his face.
“Welcome home, Elluka,” he said, giving her a clumsy smile.
“Good to be back…Darling, have you gotten a bit older?”
“Haha, feels like the last time I saw you was…close to a thousand years ago.”
“It hasn’t even been a single year.”
“The work has been piling up around here for a change. I suppose my exhaustion must be showing on my face a little.”
--Kiril’s trade was that of making music boxes, but it was a little difficult for him to make a living based on solely that.
The only people who came to buy music boxes were those among the decently wealthy who enjoyed music. The amount they paid was alright, but music boxes weren’t the sort of thing you came to buy several times a year.
For that reason, in addition to his sale and repair of music boxes, he would also take contracts to perform maintenance of precision equipment such as clocks and the like.
Ever since Elluka started working at the shop, they’d also taken to working on small magical devices as well. This was something she’d done for free many times in her days of being a shrine maiden, but here with the inclusion of Kiril’s skills and knowledge, they were able to easily handle restorations that would have been difficult for her back then.
“We must make a good team.”
She recalled them saying things like that, smiling together.
Taciturn, unfriendly, unable to understand what he was thinking—that was the first impression she’d gotten of Kiril when she met him at the temple.
But she supposed that was just a result of his ‘mental illness’. As he was now, Kiril was bright and cheerful. He probably still couldn’t be called sociable compared to a normal person, but Elluka rather liked his sincerity.
He was always kind, and he could be a little timid sometimes. But when it came to his work he had a stubborn side too.
After countless squabbles, eventually the two of them had naturally…yes, quite naturally…fallen in love—
--The inside of the shop was fairly clean for having been busy lately.
His work tools were properly organized and put away on the shelf.
“Looks like Irina’s been coming home pretty frequently.”
“That’s because she’s such a busybody. I’m always telling her she should be more sparing about her visits so it won’t get in the way of her duties at the castle, but…”
“It’s been pretty dull where we are. I actually wonder if she’s not helping out here to distract herself, with that personality of hers.”
The previous Clockworker head…Kiril and Irina’s adoptive father, he had passed away five years ago.
From then until Elluka showed up, the shop had been run by the two of them alone.
“Well, if you’ve been busy then that means the shop is thriving even without me here, so that’s good at least.”
“I certainly wouldn’t let the shop my father left me get closed down in my time.”
The previous family head had been a former member of Apocalypse, and as such he apparently hadn’t had a very good reputation when he first opened for business. But with the way he handled his trade, opinion began to improve with time.
At the same time, after he’d atoned for his sins he’d gone on to provide aid to some of his former comrades that had been left out in the cold. Kiril and Irina themselves had supposedly been orphans of some Apocalypse members.
“…Either Irina or I will become queen very soon,” Elluka cut in, after a few moments of troubled thought.
“…That’s right.”
“When that happens, one of us won’t be able to come back here again.”
“True…but you did come here today.”
“Yeah…This might end up being the last time…So—"
Elluka embraced Kiril.
“Kiril…I love you.”
“And I you…Elluka.”
The two of them kissed for a long time.
.
--She’d be breaking curfew soon. She’d get scolded later.
But she had no intention of returning to the castle tonight.
<<prev------directory------next>>
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Prompt: Something causes Lan Qiren to just SNAP, go absolutely fucking feral, and run off to become a rogue cultivator.
Beautifully Spent
- Chapter 1 -
aka Five Times Lan Qiren Left The Lan Sect Behind
“It is your duty, Qiren.”
“Is it?” Lan Qiren asked coldly. “I believe you’re thinking of my brother. You might remember him – the sect leader?”
He’d never spoken that coldly to anyone, least of all an honored elder, one of his own teachers, but he had no choice.
Ever since he was young, Lan Qiren wanted to become a traveling musician - to wander the world freely, without the burdens that would fall on his older brother, the prospective sect leader. Even as he got older, he'd never quite let go of that ambition, refining it until it had become not only a dream but a plan.
He would see that plan come to fruition, no matter what it took.
His teacher looked at him helplessly. “What’s gotten into you?” he asked. “You know your brother has chosen seclusion –”
“I know that in the eyes of the sect I have never been a quarter the man he is,” Lan Qiren said quietly. “I know that in each instance that we have argued, you have all taken his side. I know that I was asked, time and time again, to yield – because he is the elder, because he is the heir, because he is the more talented of us two. I have always yielded, because I am a filial son, a good brother, and I love my sect. I have always yielded.”
His teacher cast his eyes down to the ground.
An acknowledgement of guilt.
“I will not yield this time,” Lan Qiren said simply. “This is the rest of my life, honored teacher. This is my entire life. For once, let himbe the one to yield – to do his duty to his sect, as he was always meant to.”
“But –”
“I have always been here for him.” Lan Qiren did not allow him to interrupt. “I have been his scapegoat when things have not gone his way, I have been his pawn in political games, I have even been his punching bag when he needed to vent his irrational anger. Everything he has had the freedom to do, he has done because he has had me here. If I were not here, would he be able to go into seclusion?”
His teacher was silent.
“He would not,” Lan Qiren concluded. “To go into seclusion when you are the only option to lead the sect is to be an unfilial descendant of our ancestors. And so, if I am not here, he would be obligated to live up to his duties.”
“His heart has just been broken. Do you have no empathy for him?”
“As much as I do for the woman who was forced by circumstances to agree to marry him, and no more.”
“Qiren…”
“Think of it as me being dead, honored teacher,” Lan Qiren said, and ignored his teacher’s flinch at such inauspicious words. “Do you need me to remove my forehead ribbon before I go?”
“Qiren! Of course not!”
“Ask my brother,” Lan Qiren said dryly. “He will have the final word, as usual, and he does not like not getting his way.”
He left that day, his head held high.
He did his best not to think of his brother, who had, in his own way, wanted freedom, too.
Lan Qiren travelled, after that. It was just as he’d always planned it: quiet nights along forest paths, visits to small towns in out-of-the-way corners of the world – inquiring and then solving any issues they had that required a cultivator, and playing for them when no such issues remained. He had anticipated hardship, knowing himself to be a rich young master who’d never really faced the world; he hadn’t anticipated kindness: a few married women in one town taking the time to show him how to do laundry, giggling at him all the while, a group of young woodcutters in the next the best way to forage and cook food when one was hungry, a merchant and his wife teaching him how to bargain to avoid getting cheated…in time, through the generosity and enthusiasm of others, he learned all the skills he needed.
He refused payment for night-hunts – amazingly, his sect did not cut him off as he’d almost expected them to, and he was still able to collect his usual allowance – but accepted it for his music, and from his place behind his guqin he watched, quiet and content, as life swirled around him in all its myriad forms.
In between music and night-hunts, he idly taught some skills to the children in the towns he passed through – the vast majority were common people, completely lacking in cultivation skills, but his sect’s rules and the philosophy behind them were applicable in far more situations than that, and basic martial skills in even more. Whenever he stayed somewhere for more than a few days, he added in lessons in basic literacy, mostly because the idea of not having books at hand was abhorrent to him; the parents involved were generally more grateful that he was keeping their children out of trouble than especially interested in what he was teaching them, but it’d never hurt anyone to know a little bit of reading.
When he happened upon a place already governed by another sect, he did not take particular care either to avoid or to approach them; if they happened to meet, and to invite him to stay with them, he would. Lao Nie tracked him down six times for that very purpose, citing increasingly less plausible excuses, before Lan Qiren finally agreed to make the Unclean Realm a regular stop on his travels just to make him stop; in contrast, Cangse Sanren just showed up at the camp he had made for himself one day, her husband as always by her side, and simply refused to leave for the next three months.
He did not visit the Cloud Recesses.
Not when he heard about how his brother had, however reluctantly, come out from seclusion and begun to do the work of sect leader, and do it well, the Lan sect prospering under his leadership as they had always expected to. Not when he got news that his nephew was born; not when he heard that one nephew had become two. Not even when he heard that his brother’s wife had died, though the thought of that miserable woman’s self-inflicted fate had moved him enough to write a letter of condolence to his brother – their first contact in seven years.
Lan Qiren did not expect anything to come of that impulse, though perhaps he should have known better: it wasn’t more than a week later that he received a letter in return, the heavy formal parchment used by the Lan sect as familiar to him as the back of his hand, his brother’s equally formal calligraphy very nearly as familiar.
The words on it weren’t familiar at all.
I have made a terrible mistake, his brother wrote. I need your help.
Lan Qiren was perhaps not especially filial to his sect, having abandoned it as readily as he did – but despite everything, he did love his brother.
He went home.
“Lan Huan, courtesy name Xichen,” his brother said, nodding at the small child, pudgy and fat and adorable, quivering like a pudding even as he tried to force a smile onto his face, clutching onto a baby only a few months old, the little one strangely solemn despite the inexpert manhandling. “Lan Zhan, courtesy name Wangji.”
Lan Qiren was not as shy as he used to be, and he had gotten better at dealing with children. He knelt down until he was level with them, though he did not force himself to adopt any expression that did not come naturally. “Hello,” he said. “I’m your uncle.”
“Hello, uncle,” Lan Xichen said.
Lan Qiren held out a hand and waited, even as his brother took his leave, busier than ever. It took a little while, but Lan Xichen eventually put his own hand in his, and walked with him; after a little while, he even entrusted him with little Lan Wangji, fussing until Lan Qiren had tucked him into the corner of his arm in a manner he found appropriate.
By the time his brother found them again, Lan Xichen was chattering on and on about his xiao lessons, while Lan Qiren nodded along and added his own observations – he was decently skilled at the xiao himself; while it was not his preferred instrument, there were times when it was easier to carry than a guqin, and he had had time, when he was younger, to indulge himself in learning more than one instrument.
When Lan Xichen saw his father, he fell silent at once. He did not hide behind Lan Qiren’s robes, though Lan Qiren half-thought he wanted to – his little hand trembled in Lan Qiren’s palm.
“Would you like to take your brother back?” Lan Qiren asked him. Lan Wangji was a good baby, crying only a few times, each time responding well and easily to the usual things a child his age wanted – milk, a burp, attention. Moreover, Lan Xichen was good with him, thoughtful and careful; Lan Qiren had no concerns entrusting the baby to him, and Lan Xichen brightened a little when he realized that, nodding happily and taking Lan Wangji, pausing only a moment to glance worriedly at his father before scurrying off.
Lan Qiren looked at his brother.
“He’s afraid of me,” his brother said. “You can tell, can’t you?”
A blind man could tell. Lan Qiren said nothing.
“Wangji cries whenever I hold him, too, even though he almost never cries the rest of the time. He’s not even a year old, and he already knows.”
“Knows?”
His brother looked out into the horizon. His hands were behind his back, clasped in a formal pose. “That I’ll ruin them, too.”
Lan Qiren put his own hands behind his back as well. After a few moments, he said, “You care for them both. That’s not nothing.”
Their own father hadn’t managed even that. He had treated Lan Qiren with utter indifference, while treasuring his eldest beyond the point of reason, encouraging him to always think only of himself; the seeds of their estrangement were planted long before either of them knew it, each of them learning different lessons from their father’s mismanagement – Lan Qiren how to be inferior and doubt himself, his brother to be self-absorbed and careless with the feelings of others; Lan Qiren to bend himself to the point of breaking, his brother to refuse to bend at all.
It had served neither of them well.
“I don’t know what love is, except possession,” his brother said. “Xichen torments himself to try to live up to my expectations, and all I’ve managed to teach him, other than fear, is how to say yes to everything just to make people go away. I find myself falling into the habit of thinking of him as an extension of myself, which is still more than I can do with Wangji, who doesn’t even cry like a regular child should…” He paused. “You didn’t cry much as a child either.”
Lan Qiren glanced at his brother, surprised. He hadn’t known his brother had paid enough attention to him back then to even notice.
His brother smiled thinly. “Our family is known for its quiet children, did you know? I hadn’t, but they told me after Wangji was born. Apparently, there’s a few in every generation: a little slow, a little strange, with minds that don’t work quite the same way as the rest of us. The ones that don’t like to look you in the eye – sometimes they learn to speak, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they’re brilliant. As babies, they’re generally a little too quiet. There were three in our father’s generation, but in ours there was only you. And now, there’s Wangji…”
He shook his head.
“I wronged you before, Qiren. I don’t want to do it again – I don’t want to know what sort of father I’d be to a child like you. I’m not willing to risk waiting to find out, either.”
When Lan Qiren left the Cloud Recesses, he took with him a qiankun pouch weighed down with more money than he’d ever had in his life, two children, one smiling happily as the other burbled quietly, and his brother’s trust.
He had no idea what to do with any of it.
#mdzs#lan qiren#my fic#my fics#not set in the same universe as spilled pearls#but will probably make the most sense if you've read that first#beautifully spent
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Katara x Aang :3c
are you trying to get me in trouble
-cough-
no but in all honesty, my genuine feelings about kataang boil down to three major points: 1. it's boring, and does not jive thematically with either of their character arcs, to the point of, 2. actively hampering character development on both sides, and 3. katara deserved better.
points expanded under the cut. (please, if you're a kataang shipper and you see this, just keep scrolling. i've tagged it appropriately and put the bulk under a cut and at this point that's literally all i can do lmfao.)
send me a ship and get my (brutally) honest opinion!
1. It's Boring: This is the most subjective point on the list (I mean, in fairness, it's all subjective, but I have evidence from the show and post-canonical materials to support my other points; this one is just preference), but there's just... nothing to kataang. It's cute (when it's not actively aggravating), and... that's about it. It's not even that I dislike friends-to-lovers as a shipping trope (though it's not my overall preference), because there are a lot of friends-to-lovers couples that I do ship (kanej comes to mind, also will/elizabeth from potc, karolsen from supergirl, romione and hinny from hp, among others), but one thing that I think all of those couples have that kataang doesn't is that both sides of the pairing are teens or adults when they get together, with teen/adult dynamics and issues and stories to deal with, rather than one half being a teenager and the other being literally prepubescent.
And don't get me wrong, I have no problem with age gap ships in general. And as far as atla goes, Katara, at 14, has the same age difference from Zuko (16) as Aang has from her, and it's never stopped me--because both Katara and Zuko are well into puberty when they meet and I have no problem picturing them being into one another and growing together as they enter adulthood. Aang, on the other hand, is a child. And he acts like it. Which wouldn't be a problem, if the show weren't expecting me to believe he is a) ready for a romantic relationship, and b) ready for one specifically with Katara, who is not only older and far more mature but is specifically cast as his caretaker in a very maternal role for the entire show's run.
This show asks me to believe that a teenage girl well into adolescence is going to be attracted to and develop romantic feelings for a pre-adolescent child--and it asks me to believe this while showing us otherwise that Katara's type is actually older boys with fabulous hair and angsty pasts in all of her other potential romantic dalliances--and then enter into a relationship with him, all while ignoring the elephant in the room that is the fact that she was basically acting like his mother for the entire series to that point. (Something that is heavily lampshaded earlier in the very same season.) That just stretches the bounds of credulity way too far for me, especially when there's no evidence that Katara herself would get anything out of their romantic relationship.
There's nothing there for me to sink my teeth into. No delicious development, no parallels where they help each other grow, no internal conflicts that they have to work through together, nothing. Certainly no reason for me to actually believe Katara feels (or would grow to feel) anything for him other than the platonic affection of a caretaker. I can easily believe she loves him dearly, as a friend and quasi-little-brother, but I just can't see that developing naturally into romantic love--not the way it's presented in the show.
And even if they did manage to at least make the development of Katara's feelings believable, unless they changed something fundamental about the nature of their relationship, it'd still be boring, so.
2. It Actively Hampers Their Character Development--On Both Sides: I've written before (extensively lol im so sorry) about how kataang is actively detrimental to Katara and to Aang. In short (because ye gods this post is already getting long enough), Katara is narratively harmed by being shoved into a relationship that completely ignores her stated feelings--a relationship that had been presented as a one-sided puppylove crush for the vast majority of the series--and it inhibits her growth as a character in ways that become far more obvious in the comics and lok, where the very same creative forces that lead to her beginning a relationship with Aang in the first place reduce her to 'the Avatar's girl' and very little else, all the way through to the end of LoK (where she is a Healer and the Avatar's wife and, again, very little else).
As for Aang:
As to how this relationship is detrimental to Aang (other than the comics and LoK nonsense)? Just take a look at book 2, when he’s trying to learn Earthbending from Toph. Katara constantly coddles him. Much of the time, she’s afraid to be anything other than gentle and understanding with Aang--partly because of her fear that if she pushes him too far, he’ll run away. (Which he does, several times.) But sometimes, what Aang needs to grow is a sharp kick in the slats, which Toph was more than willing to provide--and which worked. Katara was great for teaching Aang to waterbend, but he needed more than that to grow as a person. And he can’t get that while he’s in a relationship with someone who will apologize for getting upset when he was very explicitly neglecting her.
In addition, it is pointed out by Guru Pathik at the end of Book 2 that one of Aang's chakras is blocked by his attachment to Katara. Aang takes this to mean (incorrectly) that he has to stop loving her in order to become fully realized as an Avatar, but this is actually part of the problem--because the issue isn't that he is in love with Katara, it's that he's possessively attached to her. He believes himself entitled to her love in return, rather than selflessly loving someone regardless of whether or not they return that affection. (This is obvious come the EIP episode, where Aang demands to know why he and Katara aren't in a relationship already--because he kissed her without asking [or even checking to see if she'd be ok with kissing him], which he phrases as mutual even though it very much was not, and he gets angry and violates her boundaries when she says that she is confused and doesn't want to think about it right then.)
It is his attachment to Katara--the need for her to return his love, the belief that she will and it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants--that he was supposed to let go of, not his feelings for her in general. Unfortunately, while he pays lipservice to doing this (far too late for it to be useful--if he'd stayed with the Guru for five more minutes and unlocked his chakra there, that battle would've gone very differently), he almost immediately backtracks on that development come book 3, and there isn't another single whisper of Aang maybe growing up and moving past his one-sided and possessive crush and realizing that even if Katara doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't mean she loves him less or that their friendship is less important.
What really needed to happen, for Aang to grow as a person and become fully realized as an Avatar, was for him to grow up. To realize that his feelings were not of paramount importance, and that even if he was in love with Katara, he was not entitled to her love in return. He should have been able to move past his need for her to love him back, in order to get past that stumbling block, unlock his chakras, and regain the Avatar State in time to face the Firelord. But he didn't. As a result, they had to find some other way to just give him the Avatar State (a well-placed rock) and the means to defeat Ozai without killing him (the deus ex lionturtle) and his entire character arc just fell apart in the third act rather than reaching a satisfying conclusion.
3. Katara Deserved Better: This really ties into how her romantic relationship with Aang hampered her own development, but I'm still bitter enough about it that it gets its own bullet-point. And the biggest single reason I could never ship kataang--the thing that would've turned me off even if there were substance and a halfway decent storyline for them--is the fact that Aang kisses her without her consent (for the second time) in Ember Island Players, Katara gets angry at him and storms off, and then..... she walks out onto the balcony to make out with him.
With nothing to bridge that gap.
It's bad enough that a show aimed at children had a scene where the child protagonist kissed the object of his affections without her consent when she didn't want him to (made explicit by her angry reaction)--and this is absolutely an issue when the show is aimed at children and it may well be the first experience they've had with consent issues portrayed in media--but this moment is never addressed again. Katara just decides--completely off-screen--that she does love him Really and walks out to make out with him in the epilogue. There's no conversation, no apology for violating her boundaries, no discussion of why that was wrong or any indication that Aang understands what he did and why it upset her. They don't have a single one-on-one interaction between that kiss and the epilogue, and the only other time they are on screen together, Aang yells at her and storms off.
So, even leaving the comics and lok aside, Katara deserved much better from her own romantic plotline. In fact, she deserved to have one, rather than simply being the oblivious object of Aang's affections, given a couple moments where she blushes but otherwise remains completely ignorant of his feelings (she looks shocked and upset when he kisses her prior to the invasion, and then she completely forgets that even happened because she's confused as to what Aang is even talking about during EIP until he brings it up; that's not the behavior of a fourteen-year-old girl who was kissed by someone she was developing romantic feelings for), before the epilogue where it becomes clear that she figured all of that out off-screen and had feelings for him after all.
She's a main character, not a side-character written in solely to give one of the mains a love interest. She deserved a romantic plotline of her own. (She could have had one with someone else, with very few changes made to what was actually on-screen prior to the epilogue, but that's another conversation entirely.) She deserved to have her feelings considered at all important by the person she was going to be paired with in the end, rather than having him just assume she felt the same way and then get mad at her for never giving any indication of it when he'd never asked about her feelings to begin with. She deseserved agency in her own romantic narrative, and she just didn't get that with Aang.
So yeah, at the end of the day, my biggest issue with kataang is that it involved doing Katara dirty, and she's my favorite character and she deserved so much better damnit.
#atla#katara#aang salt#kataang salt#anti kataang#atla meta#katara deserved better#salt for ts#ask meme#invincibleweasel#asked
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Pickpocket (Avengers x Child!Reader)
Description: You have been living on the streets for years, and over these years, you have become incredibly good at pickpocketing. Unfortunately for you, though, you picked the wrong target one too many times.
Part 2 if you guys want it, just let me know!
Chin up, shoulders back, even steps. My heart is calm, my breaths slow and measured, and every muscle in my body is relaxed. In other words, every last inch of me screams that I am a confident, kind young lady without a care in the world.
No matter what anybody says, looks really are everything. Every time you meet someone new or even just pass by them on the street, your mind makes a snap judgement about them. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that everyone you meet is prejudiced or anything of the sort. Those snap judgements can easily be changed with an open-minded person, sometimes without even needing a whole conversation. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that when you see a well-groomed person in a suit, your mind automatically thinks they are successful, and when you see someone coming at you with a hoodie covering their face and their hands in their pockets, you automatically tense up. None of that is your fault, and actually it’s probably a good thing that you would be wary of people who are acting rather suspicious. Really, the only issue with these immediate ideas of every person you see is the fact that it makes people like me -- people who understand how these momentary impressions work -- able to take advantage of them.
It didn’t take long to realize I had a talent for it. I already looked the part, -- a helpless, adorable little girl -- I had a surprising knack for staying calm under pressure, and as much as I hated the old bitch, my caretaker had given me all the tools I needed. She was a stickler for proper manners, so I learned how to speak, sit, and walk like a “proper young lady.” Plus, her insane rules about tiny meal portions and too-early curfews taught me to be light on my feet as I often sneaked downstairs to grab a roll of bread at night. Yes, I had everything I needed. The only real hurdle was actually deciding to do it. I never really wanted to be a bad person. But the world is a heartless place, the city even more so, and by the end of my first week, I knew what I had to do if I was ever going to survive.
So, I started working -- oh, and by the way, no matter what you think, it is still a job. I put my time and effort into a certain task, and I obtain money because of it. I don’t know about you, but that certainly sounds like a job to me. And it was easier than I thought it would be. Within about a day, I realized that people saw me as sweet, innocent, and harmless -- no, more than that, they wanted to see me as harmless. Because if I wasn’t harmless, then that meant their world was even more screwed up than they thought. I learned quick, and by the end of the year, I had perfected my technique. It was simple: avoid all conversation if possible, and if absolutely necessary, smile and point out the farthest adult man within reason as my dad before weaving through the small gaps in the crowd, preferably around taller people, so they couldn’t see or follow me. I only got caught once or twice, but I’m grateful that I did. It forced me to learn perspective, that I needed to know more than just how to talk well. So, I learned how to run through a city. And now, I’m practically unstoppable.
As I take my even, not-too-fast-but-not-too-slow stroll down the sidewalk, a small, ambiguous smile decorating my lips, I can see it in each person’s eyes as they walk past that I have completely embodied my character. My arms swung with a practiced nonchalance as my eyes flickered from one person to the next, each time going through a mental list as I weighed the chances I had of succeeding on them versus how likely they were to catch on and calculated the amount of time that both of these events would likely take to happen. Finally, after a few minutes of this practice, one of them caught my eye.
He was larger, more muscular. Guys like him were a gamble. Often, a man of his appearance simply cared a bit too much about his appearance. Still, every now and then, they look like that because they been trained, and while past training usually meant they had no practice running in a city, it also meant that he would be much more jumpy and alert to his surroundings. However, his deep, loose pockets with the corner of his wallet just barely sticking out and the thoughtful gaze as he surveyed the buildings tipped the scales further and further in my favor. The wonder in his eyes just screamed tourist.
I gazed forward with an absentminded look in my eye that I’d spent months perfecting in the mirror while keeping him clearly in my periphery before bumping into him. As I hit him, two of my fingers simultaneously dipped into his pocket, where my knee bumped against his leg to jolt his wallet up and out. The moment the warm leather was in my grasp, I forced myself to fall backwards. Before I could hit the ground, though, I felt one of those strong, muscular arms had wrapped itself around my waist and was helping me back up.
My jaw clenched for half a second. This wasn’t good. His reflexes were too quick to have just worked out at some random gym, which meant my hunch was right: he had been trained. And that meant that I needed to get out of there fast. I wouldn’t be able to slip the wallet back in his pocket without bumping into him again, and that would only make me look even more suspicious, so I quickly emptied it of all of the cash behind his back and slipped the bills into my sleeve before tossing the piece of leather on the ground a few feet away.
“Are you alright?” he asked, concern evident in his eyes, and immediately I decided on my personality for the day -- bright and bubbly but proper. Gently, he released his arm from its position on my waist once he knew I had regained my footing.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” I quickly apologized, my left hand shooting up to cover my mouth in fake shock while my right hand carefully dropped the money in one of my own pockets, all the while watching every last one of his movements for any sign of suspicion. “It was all my fault. I wasn’t paying attention where I was going.”
“It’s ok, really.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I wasn’t really looking where I was going either, so it was partially my fault, too.”
“Well, thank you for catching me, sir, but I really have to go,” I smiled at him apologetically. “I’m supposed to meet back up with my dad in about five minutes.”
“Oh, no worries,” he responded kindly before sneaking a glance at my old, slightly ripped clothes, the concern still dancing in his eyes. “You’re sure you’re alright, though?”
“Absolutely!” I dismissed. “Thank you again!”
“Um, yeah, no problem.” We both started to walk away.
I waited patiently as I listened to his retreating steps. 1... 2... 3... 4... and then-- “Hey, mister!” I called, bending down and grabbing the piece of leather from where I had tossed it earlier. “I think you might’ve dropped your wallet!”
The man turned back, shocked, before jogging back towards me. “I didn’t even notice,” he mumbled to himself. “Hey, thanks, kid.”
“My pleasure!” I chirped. “Now, sorry, but I really have to get going. See you around, sir!” I quickly jogged off, allowing myself to get lost in the crowd before he could even have a minute to fully understand what happened.
-- 3rd Person POV --
“I told you guys the world wasn’t such a bad place!” Steve called as he entered the living room of Stark Tower. The rest of the Avengers looked up in surprise. They had been having this argument for the past three days, with Steve insisting that there were still people who put others first living in New York while the entire rest of the team tried to convince him otherwise.
“Alright, show your work,” Tony leaned back against the wall, watching the captain with curiosity.
“I met a kid today who couldn’t have been older than 16. I was trying to remember what the city looked like before I went in the ice, and I accidentally bumped into her. She then spent the next few minutes constantly apologizing and saying it was all her fault. And the best part is, after we’d already walked away, she found and returned my wallet. I hadn’t even realized I had dropped it!” The 96-year-old man finished with a triumphant grin, leaving the rest of the team silent for a moment. That is, until Tony busted out laughing. Steve frowned. “...What?”
“Steve, honey, check inside of your wallet,” Natasha sighed as she turned back to the tv to watch whatever was on.
Steve frowned, reached into his pocket, and pulled out his wallet. “I don’t understand; why do you want me to....” He trailed off as he stared at the now empty pocket that only just earlier that day held around 65 dollars in cash. “She... but how did she...”
Tony slapped a heavy hand on Steve’s shoulder, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “She scammed you, bro. And you fell for it hook, line, and sinker,” he grinned before walking back to his room, still chuckling softly to himself at his friend’s misfortune.
------- Time Skip -------
About two weeks had passed since that godsend of a man and I crossed paths. I can’t remember the last time I had managed to lift 65 dollars off anyone. That kind of cash can last someone like me a really long time. But sadly, all good things must come to an end, and after buying myself the first decent meal I’d had in weeks plus a ton of canned foods and non-perishables that I dropped off at the nearest homeless shelter, that good thing ended ended all too quickly. Which meant it was time I went back to work.
I stepped into the public library, that same ambiguous smile painted ever so gently across my face. There weren’t a whole lot of people here and there were almost never any big scores, but working here was a lot less guess-work, and more often than not, the target was too engrossed in their book to even notice what I was doing, so there was also much less risk of being caught.
After a quick scan of the quiet room, my eyes landed on the man sitting at one of the long tables, his bag haphazardly laying next to him on the table. It should be easy enough to grab something from in there, and he seemed invested enough to have his guard down. He should make for a good target.
I walked into the science section and grabbed a few scientific papers, most of which were generally about to nuclear physics, before walking back to his table and sitting down right across from him. Scientific papers are the best way to make sure no one has the confidence to talk to you. I opened the paper that I had read a hundred times and started pretending to read it once more, my left hand resting on my cheek as my right hand slowly made its way towards the bag.
“Excuse me.” I glanced up, pausing my movement towards his back but still being careful not to react too quickly and retract my hand. I didn’t want to draw his attention to what I was doing, and if at all possible, I would still like to come out of this with something to show for it. As I met the glasses-clad, clearly intelligent eyes of the man in front of me, it was easy to figure out what my personality should be -- shy, smart, and above all else, kind. “Is that Schippers’s work?”
I blinked in surprise and allowed a soft smile to spread across my lips. “You know Stefan Schippers?”
“Yeah, his work in antimatter is amazing,” he grinned fully now, his eyes lighting up and making him almost look like a completely different person. “Particularly regarding his research in collisions.”
I grinned back, taking note of how his eyes were now trained on mine, instead of glancing around like before. Maybe I should’ve started a conversation before -- clearly it was a good distraction for him. Well, either way, it’s going to be easier to lift something off of him now, so I guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. “I completely agree. His work is amazing,” I giggled softly, glancing down at the table before looking back up at him, a slight red hue now painting the apples of my cheeks as my hand slipped inside of his bag.
“I was honestly surprised to see you reading that paper, actually,” he chuckled nervously. “I’ve read it at least 20 times, but I figured I was the only one.” I laughed lightly, slipping what felt like a wallet out of the bag and tucking it under my arm.
“Trust me, I’ve read this so many times, I’m afraid the library is going to have to replace it because I’ve worn it out so much. You know, if you’re interested in Schippers, you should read some of Dr. Banner’s papers,” I laid my left hand on his arm gently while my right arm swung back over to me, pushing the wallet into my lap. “As much as I love Schippers, Dr. Banner’s work is unparalleled.”
The man chuckled nervously again, ducking his head a bit. “You really think so, huh? How old are you anyways? I don’t see a whole lot of kids brushing up on nuclear physics.”
“I’m older than I look,” I casually brushed off the question. I was not about to give up any personal information, fellow science geek or not. “Oh, by the way, do you have the time?”
The man glanced at his watch. “About 6:00.”
My eyes widened in shock. “You’re kidding, it got that late?! My dad’s gonna kill me!” I gasped and quickly stood up, catching the wallet in my left hand and slipping it into my pocket. “It was really nice meeting you, sir, but I have to go home. I really liked talking to you, though! I hope we can meet again!” I hurriedly gathered the papers and rushed off, waving with a broad smile.
“Oh, uh nice meeting you... too...” he tried to respond, but she was already well out of sight.
-- 3rd Person POV --
“What the hell?” Bruce mumbled, digging through his bag. The pizza had just arrived, and he needed to pay his share.
“What’s wrong?” Natasha glanced at him, an eyebrow raised.
“I could’ve sworn I put my wallet in here, but now I can’t find it,” he frowned, continuing to search every last nook and cranny of the old bag.
“Don’t worry about it, buddy, I can cover you if you’re short,” Tony shrugged.
“That’s not the issue,” Bruce frowned, finally giving up and tossing his bag to the side in frustration. “That had my credit card, my driver’s license, and my ID for Stark Tower. If it’s lost somewhere, it could be a real problem.”
“When was the last time you remember having it?” Clint mumbled through a full mouth of the piece of pizza that he’d already shoved in his face. Natasha rolled her eyes and wiped off the bit of spit he’d gotten on her in disgust.
“I was at the library. I used my library card to check out some books,” he responded confidently.
“Again?” Clint asked, once again through a mouthful of cheese and marinara sauce. “What, do you live there or something?”
“Ok, now walk us through exactly what happened after you checked out those books,” Natasha suggested, doing her best to ignore her best friend.
Bruce sighed and nodded, sitting down. “I checked out my books, then walked over to one of the tables to start reading. Then I talked to that teenager for a little while about some of Schippers’s theories before she ran off--”
“You talked to a teenager about Schippers? And she actually understood?” Tony asked, lifting a brow in surprise.
“Yeah, she even recommended I read Dr. Banner’s work in the same field,” Bruce chuckled. “I thought it better not to tell her who I was, but according to her, Banner’s work is ‘unparalleled’.”
“Damn, the kid knows her stuff,” Tony nodded, impressed. “Did she say anything about--”
“Boys,” Natasha cut in. “The wallet.”
“Ah, right,” Bruce mumbled apologetically. “Anyways, after she ran off, I kept reading for a few minutes before leaving, too. Then I came back to the tower and got up here just in time to decide on ordering pizza with you guys.”
“Did you use the subway?” Natasha asked.
Bruce shook his head. “No. I figured since it was such a nice day out, I would just walk home.”
“How did you enter the building?”
“I ran into Steve downstairs, and we came in together.”
Steve, who had been silent up until this point, finally spoke up. “This teenager... Was she about 16? With (H/C) hair?”
“What, you think it’s the same girl who totally scammed you the other--” Tony started, getting ready to take part in his favorite pastime of making fun of Steve.
“Actually, yeah, she was,” Bruce answered, his eyes wide in realization.
Before anyone could say anything, Tony’s incredibly loud laughter filled the room. “Holy shit, you guys both got scammed by the same teenager! How does that even happen?!” He wheezed, laughing so hard he could hardly breath.
“Hey she seemed like a nice girl!” Bruce defended. “How was I supposed to know she was robbing me?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be a genius or something?” Tony asked, tears streaming down his face now. Bruce opened his mouth, trying to come up with something but came up blank. A heavy hand landing on his shoulder knocked him out of his stupor.
“Just let it happen,” Steve sighed, his eyes cast down as he shook his head in sympathy.
------- Time Skip -------
It had been a week since I had spoken to that science nerd in the library, and I was still pissed. Seriously, what kind of grown man only carries around 4 dollars and 36 cents? Well, apparently, that weirdo did. I had thrown out all the cards and IDs to at least sell the what looked to be leather wallet to a pawn shop, but apparently the thing wasn’t even leather! All of that time, wasted for a measly 12 bucks. I’ll say it again: I was pissed.
So, now I was back out working again, because the money I’d made was barely enough to buy a few snacks that I had to portion out over the course of the past week.
As I walked down the sidewalk, still grumbling softly to myself about what had happened, I saw him.
Tony freaking Stark.
I grinned. Maybe my luck was getting better after all. I mean, a billionaire who’s famous for having, shall we say, questionable morals? After all, it’s not exactly nice to sleep with as many women as humanly possible before tossing them away like they’re nothing. I mean, sure there’s the whole iron man thing, but he’s still kind of a dick, let’s be honest. And while I usually tried to refrain from taking anything major in case my target doesn’t have a whole lot of money or the object is sentimental, billionaire jerks are fair game. And the best part was, I didn’t even have to read him to know the part I was going to play. Tony Stark would only ever fall for one personality: sarcastic, quick-witted, and strong.
His head was down, buried in his phone, so I casually walked towards him, picking up an old cup of coffee from one of a nearby cafe’s outdoor tables, before smacking into him head-first, spilling the coffee everywhere.
“What the hell?!”
“Oh my god!” We both yelled at the same time.
“Oh c’mon, kid, this is silk!” Tony continued to shout, staring down at the coffee covering his chest.
“Hey, I’m not the one with my head buried in my phone while walking through one of the busiest cities in the world,” I snapped back. “And you’re not the only one whose clothes got ruined. This is cashmere!” I lied through my teeth. It was a ratty old sweater that I’d bought for about 3 dollars at a thrift store.
Stark scoffed. “Do you have any idea who I am?”
“Yeah, you’re Tony Stark. That doesn’t change the fact that my parents are gonna be pissed about me ruining a hundred dollar sweater,” I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms defiantly.
That was when he finally glanced at me and my coffee-stained outfit. Stark sighed and put his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Alright, I’m sorry.” Wait, what? Since when does the great Tony Stark ever apologize for anything? “I’ll pay for the dry-cleaning, ok? Just give me your parents’ numbers.”
Shit, that’s not how this is supposed to go. Ok, new strategy. A sassy front but a kind interior.
I sighed and shook my head. “No, it’s not entirely your fault. I guess I could’ve tried to avoid you better. Anyways, you got a pen and paper?”
Stark nodded slightly and reached into his inner pocket, pulling out a tiny pad and a fancy looking pen. I quickly jotted down the phone number and handed it back to him. Shoot, he looked like he was about to walk away. I had to act quick or lose my chance. Time to add one more very important characteristic to my identity: pitiable. “Hey, I really am sorry. I kind of overreacted. It wasn’t cool. I guess I just got a little nervous. My dad likes things to be clean, and he can get pretty mad when I don’t follow that rule...” I trailed off a bit, glancing down at my feet. I shook my head quickly and met the billionaire’s gaze, now filled with concern, again. “Sorry, didn’t mean to dump that on you. I just wanted to say thanks.” I held out my right hand, praying that I’d guessed which hand to use correctly. As Stark grabbed my hand, I had to hold back a sigh of relief when I saw the watch casually placed on his wrist.
“It was really nice meeting you, Mr. Stark,” I smiled a bit, with my left hand closing over his wrist while three of my fingers on my right hand undid the clasp on his watch. Then I pressed down one the buttons on either side of the clasp with my middle finger on my right hand and my thumb on my left hand, making sure to hold the watch in place. “If you’d like, I’d be happy to buy you a coffee to make up for it. There’s a really nice café right over there.” I squeezed the watch tightly with my left hand and jerked my chin towards the store just behind him. He turned his head and looked, pulling his hand back slightly as he did so, which allowed me to slip the watch off his wrist. Immediately, I dropped it in my pocket before he had a chance to turn back around.
“Thanks, kid, but I’m good. I’ll give your parents a call when I get home, ok?” He said before awkwardly giving me a pat on the shoulder. “Now go run off and play with some dolls or whatever.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, but my collection can’t be nearly as big as yours,” I bit back with a slight, good-natured smirk. “Anyways, I gotta go home and get yelled at by my parents. Nice meeting you, Mr. Stark,” I called, waving to him as I was already leaving.
Stark shook his head with a small smile. “Yeah, you too, kid.”
-- 3rd Person POV --
“What, no watch today?” Tony furrowed his brows at Bruce’s question.
“Of course I have a watch today. I have a watch for every day of the week,” he scoffed, lifting his wrist to show off the rather expensive Rolex.
“Umm dude...?” Clint started.
“Yeah, I know it’s awesome, and no, you cannot try it on,” Tony smirked. “I have a very strict look don’t touch policy. These bad boys cost quite the pretty penny, and I wouldn’t want any of you trying to take it from me.” Clint just shrugged in defeat and unpaused his video game -- it wasn’t his fault his friend interrupted him trying to help.
“Tony, look at your wrist,” Steve rolled his eyes at the pompous man’s antics.
“What, just so I can admire it--” he cut himself off as his eyes landed on the bare skin of his wrist. “...Where the hell is my watch?”
“Maybe you forgot to put one on today?” Bruce shrugged, going back to his computer as he continued to work.
“No, I didn’t forget; I never forget,” Tony snapped. “It was there this morning, and now it’s gone.” He yanked up his sleeve to search in vain for the incredibly expensive missing item.
“Hey, maybe Tony was pick-pocketed, too,” Clint joked absentmindedly before cursing at some ‘dumbass little camping noob’ who kept killing him.
Tony’s eyes widened in realization. “Holy shit, it was the kid.”
“What?” Steve frowned.
“The kid! The kid who spilled coffee on me today!” He shouted. “I had my watch, then she shook my hand, and now the watch is gone. She totally took it!”
Clint paused the game again. “Wait, so basically some kid took your custom watch, which is worth thousands of dollars, right off your wrist, and you didn’t even notice?” Tony bobbed his head up and down frantically. “Hold on... You don’t think...” Clint glanced between the three other men in the room.
“(H/C) hair?” Steve asked.
“(E/C) eyes?” Bruce called, suddenly no longer able to focus on his work.
Tony nodded slowly with wide eyes. Reality crashed down on all three of them.
A wide smile slowly took over Clint’s face. “So you mean to tell me that three of the Avengers, the Earth’s greatest defenders, got scammed by the same teenage girl in less than a month?” The three men were silent, each of them staring at the ground as they started to question how smart they actually were.
About 30 seconds later, the silence was broken. “Nat, you’ll never believe what just happened. I can’t believe you weren’t home for this,” Clint talked excitedly into the phone while his teammates all slowly left the room to sulk alone.
------- Time Skip -------
It had been a whole month since I had gotten the watch off Tony Stark. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the amount of zeros on the offer the pawn shop had given me. It was probably one of the best days of my life. Immediately, I had gone out and bought myself a meal at an actual restaurant, and let me tell you, they weren’t kidding when they said restaurant food is delicious. Every protein bar and bag of chips in the world couldn’t live up to the food I ate that day. And with that kind of money, I could be eating like that for maybe even a year! Still, I knew what I had to do.
It was almost Christmas. With the money I’d just gotten, I could afford to buy each and every kid at the orphanage actual brand new presents that year, instead of the crummy second-hand stuff that had to be shared between three or four kids that I usually brought. So, I went out and blew a good three quarters of my new budget on toys, and not the kind from thrift shops or even the ones from the big department stores. I could finally get them toys from one of the fancy stores that had display windows. And it was worth it, too, seeing the pure amazement that lit up those kids’ eyes when they saw there was enough for all of them. I then spent another quarter of the money on nonperishable foods that I donated to the homeless shelter plus one massive turkey for their Christmas feast.
After all of that, I was left with around 20 dollars for myself. Usually I can make money like that last with just a few extra marks, but as the month dragged on and less and less people were out on the streets at night, my budget ran thin. Eventually, I reached my breaking point. I’d gone I think four days now without any food. My stomach growled loudly, begging me to give it something, anything. I just sighed and receded further into the fabric of my thin, worn down coat that I’d found a few days back by a dumpster -- the coat I used to wear long traded in for a couple spare dollars. Sure, the wind cut through it like a knife, but hell, it was better than nothing.
I glanced up as I heard the crunching of footsteps in the snow, my heard immediately leaping into my throat at the prospect of there being people out. I frowned when I saw who they were. A couple walking together, chatting away about something or another. Normally, I would never choose a couple to target -- it was too easy for one of them to spot what I was doing to the other -- but I had gotten desperate. I was freezing cold, and I needed food now.
So, I walked directly towards them and crashed my shoulder into the guy’s, my hand slipping into his pocket. I thanked whatever higher power was watching over me when my hand came into contact with a money clip.
“Sorry,” I mumbled and slipped my hand back out before continuing to walk at a casual pace away from the two, tucking the clip into my pocket.
-- 3rd Person POV --
“Well that was rude,” Clint huffed, dusting himself off.
Natasha stared at the back of the young girl who continued to walk away like nothing had happened. “Hey, Clint,” she muttered.
“Yeah?”
“Where’s your wallet?”
“I put it back in my... pocket....” Clint froze when he realized he couldn’t feel the familiar clip in his jacket pocket. He whirled around to look at the girl, who was already a ways away. “Hey! Get back here!” He screamed, breaking into a run, Natasha quickly following suit.
-- Your POV --
“Hey! Get back here!” I glanced back with wide eyes, my heart leaping into my throat before immediately sprinting.
I ran through the snow, turning right and left through back alleys and narrow shortcuts, thanking my past self for never eating well, as my skinny form was able to stay on top of the snow for the most part. Still, somehow I hadn’t lost the two adults chasing me yet. They had barely fallen a foot or two behind over the last eight blocks. My stamina was quickly running out, the malnourishment over the past week finally catching up to me. I felt dizzy, and my chest burned as I focused on continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I turned down an alleyway with a brick wall at the end.
“Ha! We’ve finally caught you!” The man behind me panted. I completely ignored him, not pausing a single step as I sprinted towards the wall.
“Uhh, hey, kid? Rock beats teenager...” He called warily. I continued to ignore him. I was only five feet away. “Stop, you’re gonna hurt yourself!” he shouted just before I jumped, pressing my feet into the bricks to launch my further and further up. I reached as high as I could and just barely caught the edge of the wall with my fingertips. I swung my other arm up and forced my arms to pull myself to the top.
I panted as I gazed down from the top of the wall, the couple staring back up at me. “Holy shit,” the man muttered, to which the woman immediately smacked him in the arm.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I was hungry.” I wasn’t really sure why I was apologizing. Granted, I knew what I was doing wasn’t very nice, but I don’t recall ever apologizing before. Maybe it’s because they reminded me of my parents -- or, at least, what I imagined my parents to be like. Maybe it’s because I was so dizzy that I couldn’t really think straight. I nodded slightly to the two before turning around, preparing myself to jump down the other side.
Suddenly, a massive wave of dizziness and nausea smacked me in the face. I groaned slightly and put my hand to my forehead, trying to get a hold of myself. Evidently, that didn’t work, because the next thing I knew, I was falling.
Time seemed to slow as I fell through the air. I probably shouldn’t pass out right now, the surprisingly calm thought entered my mind. If I do, I’ll most likely just freeze to death. Then again, passing out would save me a lot of pain from falling. Alright, I guess that’s it then. I’ll pass out now and hope I wake up in time to not die. My eyes fluttered closed just before I hit the ground, the fog in my brain thickening as I finally allowed myself to just give in to it.
-- 3rd Person POV --
Clint grunted as he caught the girl. He was expecting to fall to the ground with her, only really serving to break her fall, but was surprised to find that she wasn’t even heavy enough to knock him down. Natasha made her way over to his side, looking down at the little thief in her friend’s arms.
“She’s light as a feather,” Clint murmured with a frown on his face, “and freezing to the touch.”
“She said she was hungry,” Natasha muttered thoughtfully.
Clint grit his teeth and nodded, determined. “Alright, that settles it. We’re taking her back to the tower.”
Natasha glanced at him warily. “You sure? The others might not be so accepting.”
“They’re gonna have to be,” he stated, already walking back, holding the girl as close as he could in an attempt to warm her up.
#Avengers#avengers one shot#avengers imagine#avengers reader insert#avengers x reader#avengers x you#avengers x y/n
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Could you do something with Damian and a really cuddly, clingy, touchy-feely reader? I feel like his brothers would be v confused about the whole situation bc Damian's just chillin and always seems neutral to what's happening while reader is just like, koala bear hugging him and stuff all the time.
Firstly. I love this concept with every fiber of my being because, oh good god, it's me. Thank you so much for bringing this to inbox, because I've been lacking on inspiration lately, and this is just what I need right now. Thanks doll!!
Prompt List // Masterlist (in bio)
Tim stops dead in his tracks, cereal bowl nearly slipping from his hand as he halts in the doorway to the huge living room. He pauses, before cautiously asking, "What is this? What am I looking at?"
Damian's arm twitches against your back, the only give away that he's been caught off guard. You seem just as relaxed, sprawled on top of him like you've been there your whole life.
You don't even look at him, eyes still glued to the phone screen shining up at you from the floor, which you're facing with your face pressed against Damian's shoulder. "You've known me for five years and you still haven't learned my name? Rude."
He blinks. "Sure, sure. Right. Because it's absolutely normal for anyone to successfully get within a foot of Damian and not get knocked out."
You snort, but it still isn't enough to pry your attention away from your phone. Damian either, as he reads a book over your shoulder, which is settled under his chin. He must be tired or in a terrifyingly good mood, if he hasn't shoved you off in hopes of hiding emotions from his family. That's what he usually does when he gets caught with you, anyway.
He's been tiptoeing around the subject of you for a solid year and half now. It wasn't exactly easy, seeing as you're also a family friend, what with being a vigilante and all. You're Damian's partner, have been for three years, and you're in the manor often enough that you have your own room, right next to Damian's.
Still, even with no clear answers from either of you, the whole family has suspected a relationship for a long time.
But Damian isn't very touch oriented. In fact, he's been known to go to nearly astonishing lengths to avoid being touched at all.
And now here he is, you laying on top of him, out in the open, absolutely unbothered by Tim catching it.
Tim decides quickly not to risk Damian's mood spoiling while he's around, so he backpedals and heads for his room.
• • •
Jason doesn't come to the manor often, but when he does, there's usually a decently concerning reason for it. This time, he's waiting out a possible kidnapping by one king pin or another. You haven't been paying as much attention as you probably should.
Now, he's trotting down the steps from Bruce's office to fix a suspicious rattling noise his motorcycle has been making for a shameful period of time.
However, he stops beside the super computer, looking a little aghast and far too dramatic for the sight.
Damian side-eyes him, still typing away, but his head doesn't move. It really can't, because you're resting your head on top of it.
You're resting your full weight on the back of the chair, which Jason now realizes isn't the tall backed chair that usual sits there, with your cheek buried in the soft looking bush that is Damian's hair. Your eyes are closed, and your arms and draped over his shoulders, hands laying on his chest.
Jason catches himself staring when Damian's side-eyeing turns into a curious glare. Tentatively, Jason points to you, and raises an eyebrow.
Lowly, Damian somewhat patiently answers, "She's half asleep."
Your eyebrows slant together. "Hmm?"
Jason's expression becomes more confused. "She sleeps standing up?"
"Apparently," Damian mumbles.
Jason, more than a little perturbed but Damian's oddly placid demeanor and your absurd sleeping habits, shuffles the rest if the way to his bike, grabbing the toolbox on his way.
• • •
Dick sitting on the floor, wrapped in a blanket—correction, three blankets, facing the rest of the living room, where Damian sits on one couch, and Duke occupies the other.
"No no, I'm not saying Bella wasn't smokin, I'm just saying that those facial expressions and life decisions were questionable enough to make a guy think twice," Dick tries to reason.
Duke makes a face. "Bro, are you kidding? If a chick stares at you from across a lunch room and you've never spoke to her, you don't even try."
Damian scoffs. Duke raises an eyebrow, and just when he's about to beg for the story of who tied him to a steel chair and forced him to watch Twilight, you shoulder the double door open.
Damian doesn't look up from his newest book, which could be deemed rude if you weren't so close and comfortable with one another. "Evening, Beloved, how was your drive?"
You say nothing. You drop your bag by his feet, crawl the rest of the way onto the couch, and collapse. Your head in on a pillow between Damian's thighs and the arm of the couch, the rest of you divided unevenly between his lap and the rest of the couch.
He glances away from the pages briefly. "Traffic?" His hand slips under your shirt to gently run blunt nails up and down your spine.
For a moment, you're quiet, and neither of the two older men know how to react.
Then, without warning, you wail into the pillow. "Who the everloving fuck drives a Winnebago through central Gotham at six o'clock going fourteen miles an hour?"
Duke barks a loud laugh, before he claps a hand over his mouth in fear of a punishment. But a man can only do so much, so he sits with his hand over his mouth, giggling like a fifteen year old listening to a dirty joke with his parents in the room.
Damian chuckles lightly, white teeth peeking through a little smile that he's trying to suppress, much for the same reason Duke is doing his best not to let you hear him laugh.
Dick is more focused on the two of you, and the fact that his baby brother has grown up and changed for the better so much—
• • •
Cassandra climbs the stairs with some difficulty, thanks to two new sets of stitches and a few too many fresh bruises.
It's nothing a few days of relaxation won't fix. It was worth it, to see Poison Ivy put back behind bars—even if it did take four of you.
Shortly after arriving back, you and Damian had disappeared up to his room, after you'd both been checked over by Alfred. Aside from some intense bruising and a fee cuts and scrapes, you'd both been spared.
She knocks on his door a few times. With no answer, she loudly turns the handle and pushes the door open slowly, giving you enough time to correct her if need be. She knows at least one of you are in here, because the light is on. "Alfred sent me to tell you that there's dinner, if you want–"
She stops. You are, in fact, both in the room. However, neither of you are conscious.
Damian is sprawled haphazardly across his bed, face half squished into a pillow.
You're flopped across his back, horizontal across his bed, likely also with a pillow, but she can't see your face to be sure.
For a moment that feels a little intrusive, she stares, eyes wide. Not because he's in only boxers and you're in shorts and a sports bra (neither are necessarily a new sight, with one makeshift locker room in the Cave and a city with way too many privacy-surpassing emergencies), but because she's never witnessed Damian allowing another person to be so close to him while asleep.
Even on week long stakeouts that confine them to one room, he claims one corner for himself and doesn't tolerate that invisible boundary to be broken, especially when he's asleep.
She wouldn't even be so surprised if you were passed out in his reading chair, or even on a pile of blankets in the floor, or hell, even if you were on opposite sides of the bed. But you're literally as close to him as you could possibly be. And he's still sound asleep.
She closes the door and backs away slowly, a little smile on her face, even though she was too tired to laugh at the joke Bruce tried to crack a few minutes ago.
• • •
Bruce sits, almost impatiently, on a stone bench by the fountain the middle of Gotham City Gardens. The whole family had come here for the day, on invitation of the organization's owners. Of course, not everyone was officially recognized as family by anyone outside the Manor, so there were quite a few plus ones—you being one of them.
Of course you were. You're always invited. Over the years, it's become a running joke. A trip to the grocery store? (Y/N) must be invited. Walking from the W.I. building to an ice cream parlor and back? I bet (Y/N) is invited. At one point, Damian became so simultaneously annoyed and amused by it that for a week, you really did join him on every single outing. No one knows how exactly you made it across Gotham in six minutes flat to help him pick up cereal but by golly you managed it.
Bruce is currently waiting on you and Damian, who swore to meet him here for a few pictures (at Alfred's request). The pair of you had gone off on your own after about an hour of meandering around with his family, and no one has heard from either of you since. He would be worried, but you were both too excited about this to get into any trouble that would risk being sent home early.
Your laughter finds him before you do. It comes from around a corner of tall hedges, and shortly after, so do you.
You're smiling ear to ear, giggling like a school girl, elbows balanced on Damian's shoulders, about as precariously as you are on his back. That is to say, quite stable. Damian is grinning as well, his arms linked around you're knees at his sides to keep you as stable as you are. You've got an ice cream cone in each hand, one obviously having had more attention than the other.
Bruce's heart swells in his chest at the absolute joy on his son's face.
Damian stops not too far, shifting your weight to free one hand. You help, carefully resituating yourself to hold yourself up easily. You hand him the neglected ice cream, resting your now free hand on his shoulder.
"Sorry, Father," Damian sounds a little winded, and Bruce wonders if the running he heard earlier had been you two. "Somebody found an ice cream bar and insisted we stop before meeting you." He doesn't sound apologetic in the least.
"Hey!" You laugh, flicking the back of his ear as payback.
As payback for payback, he takes the edge of his cone between his teeth, and uses his free hand to give the back of your knee a quick pinch, before he occupies his hand again to tilt the odds in his favor.
You squeal and jerk. "Damian! You're gonna make me fall, and if I go down, you're coming with me!"
Bruce laughs loudly.
• • •
Alfred is on his way to the library to finish the afternoon chores. All he needs to do is straighten up in there, and he can call it an evening. Just in time, too, as one of the local channels is running a Downton Abbey marathon tonight that he doesn't particularly want to miss.
He pushes open the doors to get a little extra fresh air, but pauses just inside the doorway.
Damian is stretched out in one of the plush leather chairs, his long legs propped up by his ankles on the coffee table, head resting limply on the back of the chair. You're curled up in his lap, head on his shoulder, legs folded up on either side of his thighs, arms wound around his back. His hands are folded together on your back. You're both fast asleep.
The elder man is suddenly flooded with memories of the boy's first few months in this manor. In this room, even. He was politely feral, as Bruce had once put it. He was so uncomfortable all the time, though he fought not to show it. It was so new to him, to be openly cared for the way his family tried to care for him. Most people he met back then treated him as the cold, rude, trained assassin that he presented himself as.
So many overlooked the terrified ten year old boy that shook beneath the armor and the weight of the mantels he was expected to take up in so few years.
Of course Alfred had been paying attention to him all this time, all the growing he's done and the man he's becoming. He's always been proud.
But it's here, in this exact moment, that Alfred really takes in how different he is now, compared to then.
Not only did he find the strength and the trust to forge a close bond with you, one that would arguably outlast just about anything it was forced to endure, but he'd fostered such a sweet affection for you. He's found the space within himself to make room for a great love for you, and his family, and his friends.
And you're so good for him. You remind him of the things he could be, if he wanted, and not of what he should be or could have been. You provide him a sense of normalcy when he needs it, and battle ready companion when he needs that.
You look past the blazing armor of controlled aggression and lessons learned to reach the beautiful soul he is. And most importantly, you love him for all of it. You manage to dig so far beyond what he's been taught and the walls he's put up, that you look at what was meant to be the perfect soldier and you see a pillow to sleep on. You trust him with everything, including your vulnerability, just as he trusts you.
Alfred marks the page of the open book on the floor, closes it, and leaves it in the table for you later. He leaves as quietly as he came, in hopes of leaving the two of you undisturbed.
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Bridgerton season 2 rewatch ramble
Ok, i didn’t want to rewatch Bridgerton so soon after the first time ( because i was disapointed with the love triangle and pacing) but i kept thinking about the “Dancing on my own” scene from episode 4 so i decided to just watch the Kate/Anthony and Bridgerton family scenes. And it was the best decision ever.
First of all, if you go into this knowing you get 4 hours of the plot you want (Kanthony) and not expect to watch an 8 hour long journey of whatever period drama with multiple characters that have almost no connection between them and we are supposed to just rollercoast through all the stops at random intervals it becomes incredibly rewarding. I basically skipped to all the scenes that involved Kantony as a couple to see if it is still just a messy jumple that makes no sense. And it is not. It makes perfect sense, all their actions flow beautifully one after another and their journey is one that i wil rewatch again.
I was stunned how good the chemistry between the main couple is ( even more impactful then on the first watch) because the first time i was just so annoyed that all my favorite scenes from the book were cut and the random order between scenes to completely unrelated plot points really messes the flow.
I loved all the dance scenes, they are all meaningful. Their first dance (Dancing on my own dance) was so emotional, the family dance was incredibly entertaining, Kate and Edwina being sisters dancing together and not just charicatures was truly chef’s kiss. The final dance that helps Anthony decide he’s gonna go for it, he’s gonna propose one more time to Kate was show stoping and heart wrenching. I cannot explain this very well, because what these scenes do is carry the emotional backbone of the show. Is something that needs to be watched, listened and enjoyed. What cannot be expressed with words or actions they do it very well with dancing, which is mesmerizing and it shows the thoughtfullness and hard work they put in making sure it all fits. This could have easily become bothersome or silly ( like i think some musicals are), but no, paying attention to the dancing in this show and most importantly the attention paid by the cast to the dancing is the best part in my opinion. Oh, and did i mention that Anthony cannot find a decent partner until Kate. When he is not outright being stepped on by debutants, he looks mechanical and sour ( sorry Edwina) until his dance with Kate where he just stares at her like he can’t believe he is enjoying himself dancing with someone.
I was a bit disapointed they made Kate so accomplished ( including in dancing) in the show, because this was not neccesarily the case in the book. Kate is also more fidgety in the book ( maybe a bit of ADHD) , but carries herself with confidence and is very outspoken nethertheless. I really like they kept the essence of Kate though and cannot imagine anyone else but Simone and Johny playing these two. I liked that they explained why Kate is so good at all she does and she is not just OP ( because she is highly competitive like Anthony and also wanted to give her sister the best chance at finding a good bread man so she self taught everything to perfection). Also it was hilarious how Anthony completely missed that Edwina is such an accomplished lady because Kate taught her everything she knew. So in a way, that super accomplished Viscontesse he was looking for was always Kate, and in my opinion she had some skills that Anthony might not have looked for in a wife but made life more fun for them : riding astride, excelent shot, a high competitive drive they both need in playing Pall Mall.
I did not realize there are parallels between the conversation Kate has with Lady Danbury about remaining alone and the conversation Kate has with Eloise. The first conversation is Kate wanting the advice of the older woman ( Lady Danbury) about how to go through with her plan to remain single once Edwina and Mary are secured by Edwina’s inheritance. Kate is expecting encouragement from Lady Danbury and she is not not really getting it from her ( i am not really sure that true romantic love as Lady Danbury explained is the end goal everyone should go for lol ) and then is Kate that is put in the same situation where she is the older woman Eloise admires and seeks encouragement and Kate has to be the one to tell her that remaining single (being a spinster) is not an easy path for women in their society. I really wish more time was spent with Kate and Eloise as well, but alas.
I didn’t catch up on my first watch on all the paralels used to show how Anthony and Kate are so similar. Kate taking almost a fatherly role to protect her family same as Anthony is the main takeaway ( that I did realize on first watch) but it has a lot of nuances in between conversations, looks and the final lovemaking scene. Their conversations are genuine and they do talk things through and this also happens gradually which i am happy about. On the first watch it just felt like they made up out of nowhere,but if you take out all the Featherington, Polin and LW scenes ( nothing against them it just too messy to watch it all together in my opinion) Kate and Anthony’s conversations make more sense, flow naturally and are much easier to follow.
I did not realize even that Anthony gives Kate flowers in the show. In the book Anthony gives roses to the 3 Sharmas when he showed up at their house as a gentleman caller in order to impress them. He also gives Kate a tulip when they happen to meet in the garden but at that point he does not realize he loves her. In the show Anthony never gives flowers during his courtship with Edwina from what i can see. Is like he is willing to give Edwina his mother’s engagement ring (as a simbol of the duty he must fulfill) but giving her flowers is too intimate. I don’t know why he decided that was the line he wouldn’t cross. He does give all 3 of them roses in the show when he truly means to apologize for the mess he created and gives Kate tulips when he goes to propose to her for the second time. Anthony proposes or intends to propose to Kate 3 separate times, whch is hilarious considering in the book it was all rushed and against their wishes, atleast officially. In the show, after the “love making” Anthony went, i “i guess i’m just a man in love” and just went with it instead of running away.
These moments make me happy, i guess mostly because it shows that for the time dedicated to the couple the producers did not do things as an afterthought but with intention ( even if it didn’t always work out in my opinion).
Now if the love triangle bothered you, you’re just gonna have to live with it. It does not get better on second watch.
But if you brace yourself for episode 6 ( a good drink maybe) and watch mostly the events up until the wedding runaway part and the scene where Edwina speaks with Anthony and Kate together and of course the kiss, that episode is really good. You skip all of the drama which is basically just Edwina running around in the palace in her wedding dress, having 2 arguments with Kate, 1 argument with Anthony and a weird conversation with the Queen. If you put yourself once through the whole episode and hate this type of drama, you are good, you don’t need a repeat of the whole thing. I also think the reason that people felt this episode was too much is because every storyline is in the same location at the same time ( the palace for the wedding) so it feels like we are laser focused on Edwina when we really don’t need to be at that point in the story in my opinion.
I also unfortunately, had a bit more time with the Edwina/ Kate story and i think i can put my finger on what felt off. I didn’t like how much they infantalized Edwina, she has no opinion of her own, is incredibly insecure, naive to the point of being kind of silly. Everyone treats her like she is missing some marbles, they slow down their pace when speaking to her, change their tone of voice to explain things to her as if she is a 10 year old. It was incredibly disturbing to watch considering she was to marry a 30 year old man. I believe they went to such lengh to show she is inexperienced and also that they give her special treatment because she is so “delicate” i suppose. There is nothing wrong to be inexperienced, after all Daphne was also inexperiened (and the inexperience topic and the way the Bridgerton mother educated her daughters vs. her sons, her disconnect with Eloise is another topic for another time), but Daphne still looked, acted and was treated like the 20 year old she was. I feel like i am rambling too much on this topic, the thing i am trying to say is that it reflects really bad on Kate’s character as well, is like Kate overpowered her sister so much that she took away ALL her agency and Mary just allowed it….And hence the fallout and all the things i am not excited at all about this story. Anyway, maybe my brain is exagerating this, i just really didn’t like this plot point and unfortunately each time i will want to watch this love story I need to go through it.
But overall , the story arch is good, like really good and i think that i loved this part of the show equally to season 1.
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Meeting and Dating Samuel ‘Rocky’ Douglas
(My gif/there’s like no decent footage of ‘kick back’ online)(Requested by anonymous)
- You and Rocky meet when you’re young. You’d lived next door to the Douglas family your entire life so it was pretty much inevitable that you’d end up becoming friends with at least one of the boys growing up.
- Funnily enough, it wasn’t Samuel that you’d befriended, it was Jeffrey.
- You’d tried to weasel your way into all the boys lives; and succeeded in becoming a surrogate older sister to Tum Tum over the years, but it seemed as though Sam just …didn’t like you very much.
- Any time you were around him, he’d seemingly try to get away from you as quickly as possible, or distract himself with something so that he could barely acknowledge your presence. He’d always cut your conversations short or give you two word answers and any time you felt as though you were having a break through, he’d seem to realize that he was being friendly and close himself off yet again.
- But Jeffrey, or Colt, would usually pull you away from his older brother anyways, distracting you with some game or activity that he wanted to play/do before you could dwell on his brothers borderline rudeness.
- Colt had never understood why his brothers …approval; for lack of a better word, mattered so much to you and for a while, neither did you. But the older you got, the more you realized that you’d always had a bit of a crush on the boy whether you knew it or not.
- But you couldn’t tell Colt that. Instead, you had to tell him that you just didn’t want things to always be awkward when you joined him and his brothers on their little adventures; secretly sighing in relief as he accepted the answer.
- Unbeknownst to you, there was a reason for Rocky’s closed off attitude: he’d had a crush on you since elementary school and he’d, admittedly, never been very good with girls.
- So, while you were wondering why your best friends brother hated you, he was internally scolding himself for not being able to say more than two words to you before his knees felt like buckling beneath him.
- Considering how shy he was with you, things could have easily continued on like that for, well, forever. But then something changed.
- One morning, you arrived at the Douglas house and found yourself walking into a very tense atmosphere. You could tell that Colt was upset about something and given how quiet the rest of the table was, you assumed it had something to do with one of his siblings; assumedly Rocky from the way he was avoiding the boys occasional pointed looks.
- The minute Colt noticed you, he shot up out of his seat and pulled you out of the house with him, leaving you little time to meet the gaze of Rocky whose eyes immediately shot up to look at you.
- As you walked, you tried to pry some information out of the boy but it was pointless, he refused to answer any of your questions, opting to stay nearly silent or telling you that it “was nothing”; even though you knew better.
- It’s a whole week before things start to go back to normal but there’s still some tension between Rocky and Colt. Your dear pal Jeffrey, who once loved having his brothers tag along, now seems hesitant to allow his older brother to accompany you guys. …And here you thought things were awkward before.
- Another week goes by before you learn exactly what happened. You’re sitting at home when your mother calls you, telling you that you have a guest as you head to the front door. Standing in your foyer is Rocky, a sight you never thought you’d see, and the sheer surprise you feel upon seeing him makes you stop in your tracks.
- His eyes meet your frozen figure and he licks his lips, opening his mouth to say something before he shuts it again. A second passes before he manages to get out a “hi”, watching as you finally begin to walk towards him again.
- You give a quiet hello in response and a beat of silence passes between you before he asks if you can talk, letting you lead him outside after you nod.
- The two of you are quiet for a while before he turns and asks how you’ve been just as you’re about to say something to break the silence. You answer that you’re fine with a little laugh and you ask how he’s been before you ask the question that's really been on your mind.
“Seems like you and Colt have been fighting.”
“A little I guess.”
“Why’s that?”
“...Well uh …he found out something he isn’t too happy about.” You quirked an eyebrow up at his words and asked what it was.
“...That I …like...you.” He says slowly, as though he’s forcing himself to finally say the words.
- The phrase could mean a few things but you immediately know exactly what he’s confessing when he says them and a small smile finds it’s way onto your face.
“Yeah, you should never bring that sort of thing up to Colt.” You say, feeling an overwhelming urge to tease the boy just a little.
“Yeah I guess I found that out,” He laughs a little and you can hear the nervousness in it. “So, uh...” You hum questioningly and he continues. “What do you think?”
“Think about what?”
“About …about me liking you....”
“I think I like it,” You give him a smile. “I like you too Rocky.”
- The two of you have your first date at the beach. Colt and Tum Tum probably found out you were planning on going and just immediately went with you, forcing you to come up with ways to sneakily bond with each other during your borderline disastrous date. Regardless, you still enjoyed the day, even if you didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time alone.
- You share your first kiss when you arrive back home. Colt and Tum Tum had immediately gone inside while Rocky and you stayed behind to talk a little. He apologized for the brotherly ambush and you assured him you didn’t mind.
- He asked if you were sure and you laughed, nodding your head …then it just sort of happened. He leaned in and then you did and your lips met in a soft quick kiss before you pulled away and said a quiet goodbye.
- Colt may not have been too happy to spot his brother locking lips with his best friend but he got over it and gave his reluctant blessing, letting you accomplish your childhood dream of being with Samuel.
- There’s not a ton of pda in your relationship; mainly because his brothers are almost always nearby and he’s a little shy about that sort of thing. When there is pda, it’s usually pretty quick or on the friendlier appearing side of affection.
- His arm wrapped around your shoulder whenever you’re standing together.
- Sitting between his legs with his arms wrapped around you.
- Handholding.
- Tight hugs. He always scoops you up in one whenever he wins a game or match.
- Cheek kisses.
- Soft, almost featherlight kisses.
- Hair ruffling.
- The two of you usually cuddle snuggled into each other with his arm wrapped around your shoulders, although, if you’re going to be completely alone, he must admit that he does enjoy spooning quite a bit.
- Gushing over him whenever he wears his glasses, assuring him that you’re not making fun of him and that he really does look good in them.
- Holding and momentarily stealing his hats.
- Singing songs together/singing along to the radio.
- Teaching him about your interests and hobbies. He likes learning about them and trying them out whenever he can; even though he’s probably awful at them or knows he won’t like them.
- He likes looking at you whenever you aren't looking. You’ll catch him staring at you after you snap out of a daze or look away from whatever it was you were gazing at. He usually just shakes his head with a small smile whenever you ask him “what”.
- When you’re together, you’ll probably want to hang out somewhere outside or at your house; considering he shares a tiny room with both his brothers and you’ll never be completely left alone if you stay there.
- His brothers constantly interrupting the two of you.
- Both his brothers and occasionally his grandfather teasing him about you. He gets really shy about the whole thing and they love embarrassing him before you show up.
- He tends to just call you by your given name, though it’s very likely that he or one of his siblings/grandfather will come up with a nickname for you and he’ll use that a lot.
- Playing baseball; or all the other sports he plays, with him. He likes being able to teach you and watch you get all excited when you get better.
- Going to his games.
- Letting him teach you karate. He always shoots his brothers dirty and warning looks when they laugh at you.
- Motivating and cheering him on at everything he does.
- He looks back at you whenever he’s going to do something, making sure that you’re watching before he does something impressive. He likes showing off when you’re around.
- Taking walks in the woods together.
- Climbing and sitting in trees.
- Talking over the phone/tin can. He always has to call you to say goodnight.
- Getting visited whenever you’re sick. He comes to make sure you’re okay and keep you company; even if he gets a little sick himself.
- He’s always jumping to help you; even when you tell him to do the opposite or that you don’t need his help. It’s endearing yet annoying.
- Riding bikes together.
- Playing video games together; he either lets you win or tries to sabotage you depending on the day.
- Helping him cook and bake. You’re usually joined by Tum Tum who you have to watch very closely to ensure that the food actually gets made instead of consumed before it’s cooked.
- Getting taken to meet his grandfather or having Rocky introduce you to the man as his girlfriend after the two of you get together; at his brothers insistence.
- He occasionally likes to sneak up on you and tap your shoulder from behind to make you jump. You can’t even be mad at him, not when you turn and see the smile he has on.
- He hates seeing you upset and always asks a bunch of questions in an attempt to find out exactly what happened, making promises and trying his best to cheer you up while he does so.
- He’s pretty reasonable when it comes to jealousy so he doesn’t get jealous very often. On the off chance that he does, he’ll be patient but will tell the guy to back off if he doesn’t leave you alone; and if he’s obviously making you uncomfortable.
- Speaking of telling guys to back off, he’s always ready to defend or protect you when necessary. He’ll also always go look for you when you disappear or are gone for longer than you should be, wanting to make sure you’re okay and that nothing happened.
- He has a habit of snapping when he’s embarrassed or mad so expect a snide comment or two. You’ll usually just say something along the lines of “ok geez” in response and a moment or two of silence will pass before the guilt gets to him and he sighs, beginning to explain himself and/or apologize.
- If you have a real fight, he’ll do whatever he can to make you forgive him. He always makes promises, even if he doesn’t exactly follow through on them; but he does have the best intentions regardless.
- He tells you that he loves you quite a bit; even though his brothers tease him for it. He just smiles at you and gives them a shove in response, not caring what they think.
- A guy who loves you through puberty is definitely a keeper so congratulations on finding your ninja, honey.
#3 ninjas imagine#3 ninjas imagines#3 ninjas headcanons#3 ninjas headcanon#rocky douglas imagine#rocky douglas headcanons#rocky douglas imagines#rocky douglas headcanon#90s movie imagine#90s movie imagines#90s movie headcanons#90s movie headcanon
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first time again ‣ [ yang jeongin ] ✧
pairing: yang jeongin x gn! reader
genre: comfort, angst, slice of life
synopsis: an attempt to return a love letter leads to a cycle of all too familiar events.
content: exes to almost lovers again, exes to friends au
warning: reader threatens to kill jeongin twice, insecurities, self-blame
for: @districtninewriters' dear skz, with love event. please be sure to check out all the fics written for this event! everyone in the net worked hard on them :)
word count: 2.4k
note: i want a jeongin :,)
You studied the envelope you were holding, flipping it over a few times in your hands. The quality of the paper was nicer than normal, almost like whatever was inside was more important than just a regular letter. You weren’t expecting anything, let alone anything important or special.
But it was definitely your name on the front.
You took in the minimalistic decoration of the beige envelope, mentally noting the small piece of looseleaf paper that had been torn at an aesthetic angle and taped down. Your name had been written in rainbow calligraphy on top of the looseleaf, a font you immediately recognized because your ex had used it plenty of times when decorating the tags on gift bags and appreciation cards to you. Each letter of your name casually leaked into an ombre of cool shades, and hand drawn sparkles littered the envelope.
You dreaded opening the letter, and wished you could stop feeling as blue as the ink your ex had used to write your name.
You were tempted to toss it in the trash, and bury it under the used romance novels you no longer wanted, but as quick as the urge to scream and throw away everything related to your ex had came, it had left.
Adrenaline coursed through you. Your fingertips were fast at ripping open the packaging, while your brain was hesitant to remember the pretty bleach-haired boy who had stolen your heart and then unintentionally crushed it just awhile ago.
Your ex's words were written on skyline stationary. Red and blue stripes twirled along the edges of the paper and a stamp of a smiley face followed by squiggly lines appeared at the top right corner. You were too scared to skim over a single paragraph. So you stood there, staring at the greeting instead.
I know this is sudden, ____.
Four minutes passed. And then you began to read.
You declined your group of friends' invitation to walk to the local bakery and then home with them after school. You had been holding in an immense amount of anger for your ex since you had read his letter to you last night. The letter could've easily been thrown in the trash after reading, but you couldn't help but become entangled in the words he spewed out into sentences.
It's not fair, You thought to yourself as you stomped up the stairs to the platform of the train station. It's not fair that he gets to remind me of everything and I don't get to say anything back to him. It's not fair that I have to think about why our relationship was so pretty.
"Pretty" is the word everyone used to describe the relationship you had with your ex. The both of you had taken it as a compliment back then, but now you knew why everyone referred to the two of you with such an adjective.
Pretty meant your relationship was attractive, it was pleasing to the eye on the outside, it was held at a fair degree. But what was it like on the inside? It was tame and decent, but complicated. Your ex always questioned what he truly felt for you, and it always made you wonder if you were doing something that made him doubtful.
Things had ended because you didn't want to feel more and more insecure as the days went by. It was fruitless to keep trying. Well, at least, it was to you.
"I'll kill him," you grumbled to yourself. A couple people waiting for the L train gave you a weird look. You tried to ignore their glances and the feeling of wanting to reminisce on the train ride you and your ex always shared before and after school during your relationship.
The two of you lived in the same apartment complex, but nowadays you did your absolute best to avoid him. You could've approached him there, instead, but you were so on edge you felt the need to return the letter before you got home. You had stopped taking the train a long time ago, too, desperately trying to avoid him at the train station as well. Now here you were trying to find him.
"I'll kill you!" You practically shouted at your ex. You grabbed him by his shirt collar and yanked him forward. You had forgotten what it had been like to stand so close to him, but you tried to ignore the blush that was pushing its way onto your face and the urge to pull him into a hug.
"What did I do?!" Yang Jeongin looked around awkwardly at the handful of people staring at both of you.
He was unsure of his emotions. One part of him was embarrassed by getting caught up in your sneak attack and the other part of him was happy that you were at least talking to him, even if you had just threatened his life. Jeongin was able to pry your hands -he had noticed how much smaller they were compared to his- off of him. He grabbed your hand and walked you towards an empty section of the platform.
Your heart fluttered, and when you glanced up as he pulled you along, you were seeing your surroundings in a sakura filter.
Jeongin stopped once you were at a spot without anyone around. "I-" He began to say, but you cut him off.
"Get your hands off of me!" You flailed your arms around until he took a step back.
Jeongin held his hands up in surrender. "Before you kill me, please tell me what I did."
"What is this?" You wasted no time in pulling out the crumpled envelope from Jeongin. "You're sending me love notes? After we already ended things?"
Jeongin looked like a deer caught in headlights. "H-how did you get that?"
"Your stupid ass sent it to me!"
"I- I did but-"
"Why?"
"Because I wanted you to know how much you mean to me."
"Well I don't care and I don't want this! I don't want you anymore!" You crumpled the envelope and letter into a ball and threw it at Jeongin's chest. It bounced off, and rolled onto the floor.
"Okay," Jeongin replied, his voice cracking. "You don't have to accept it. It was wrong of me to send you something after we had already broken up." He reached down for the crumpled up paper.
Jeongin held it up, hurt written across his features. The letter seemed to mean a lot to him, and even though he had hurt you in the past, you never wanted to make him feel bad.
You tried to snatch the mess you had made away from him but he held it up.
He furrowed his eyebrows, looking annoyed. "What?"
"Give it back," You told him, trying to reach the crumpled letter.
"You just said you didn't want it." It was unlike Jeongin to raise his voice. "If you don't want it then I'll take it back."
"Why?"
"Because I care about what I wrote in it and I want it!"
"Stop!" You continued your attempt to take it from him.
You and Jeongin fought over the crumpled papers like two nine-year-olds fighting over a toy truck. You were able to get a good grip on his love note. You were holding on to his love and you refused to let it go this time. You lied when you said when you didn't want him, and you yanked the paper towards you. Only it didn't come to you as a whole.
It ripped in half.
"Look what you did," Jeongin said, not realizing the weight of his words.
Look what you did, ____, You scolded yourself. You messed it up again.
That was the last straw. You were tired and frustrated and still heartbroken. You crouched down, head in your hands and tears slipping down your cheeks. You were nothing left but sniffles and sobs and torn pages and haunted by the word, "pretty".
"It's not fair," You choked out. "Why did you do this to me?"
"____," Jeongin had calmed down and reached out to you. "I'm sorry."
"No you're not," You told him. "Why did you send that if you didn't want to be with me anymore? What was the point of reminding me?"
Jeongin took a deep breath, gathering up whatever courage he had left. "Who says I don't want to be with you anymore? That's why I wrote you the letter. I'm just... not sure if you still want to be with me."
You didn't cut him off, so Jeongin took that as a chance to continue.
"I still think about you all the time. I wasn't sure how I felt about you when we were dating because we were both inexperienced and we rushed into things. That's not your fault, so don't think it was. I was the one who immediately said yes when you asked me out. I realized now that I did like you then and I still love you now, but at the time, I didn't know at all how to differentiate romantic feelings from platonic ones. I shouldn't have immediately said yes, I should've waited at least a day to confirm with myself that I did like you. If I hadn't rushed the both of us into something, we wouldn't have broken up. There wouldn't have been doubts or insecurities or anything wrong with us." Jeongin continued to rub your back soothingly. He was relieved that you had stopped shaking. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for making you feel like everything was your fault. And I'm sorry that you received a letter from me, because all it did was make things worse between us."
"Jeongin, I- I still love you too," You managed to get out.
It was in that moment that Jeongin realized he had said that he loves you. He gritted his teeth and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
"But I need more time," You told him.
"I understand that." He nodded his head and gave you a small smile. "But can I walk you home?"
You nodded, and took the hand he offered to help you up off the ground. It felt like the first time again.
Jeongin barged into his younger brother's room. "Were you looking through my stuff?"
"Yes," His brother responded, scribbling into his notebook and ignoring the urge to give his older brother eye contact. "I was helping mom clean in your room."
"Why did ____ receive a letter I wrote ages ago before we broke up?" Jeongin crossed his arms, demanding an answer.
Jeongin's little brother blinked twice before turning to him shocked. "You wrote that before you guys broke up? It looked recent so mom sent me to the mailbox to drop it off."
"Well thank you for mailing it," Jeongin tried to end the conversation, but his brother pressed on.
"Oh I know why it looked recent," His brother have him a sly smile. "You kept it in good condition since that was the only thing of ____ you had left before they dumped you." Jeongin's little brother chuckled, going back to his notes. Then a thought popped into his mind. "Wait. Why are you thanking me?"
"No reason. Just, thank you," Jeongin told him sincerely. "Now stop touching other people's mail."
"Hey, what?" The younger was confused. "I don't understand you-" But Jeongin was already out of the room and heading back to his.
Jeongin sat at his desk in front of his bedroom window, and looked at his half of the ripped love note. He smiled to himself. He had written the letter ages ago and wanted to mail it to you as a cute gesture, but you had broken up with him the day after he had written it, and demanded all of your stuff back.
Jeongin held up his half, analyzing the piece of paper. He had the ending of the letter.
The boy caught sight of you at your bedroom window, staring from across the complex. You held up your half and smiled at him.
You had the start of the letter.
( THE LETTER )
I know this is sudden, ____.
But I wanted to send this to you because you mean a lot to me, more than I initially thought. I just want to talk to you all the time, and thinking about you puts the biggest smile on my face. I want to send you letters like this every week. No, everyday. And I want to fill your mailbox up with love notes and other things I hope you'll find adorable and wholesome so that when you go outside to open it, it explodes in an endless supply of my affection and my words kind of just fall around you. And you can think, "Wow, Jeongin really likes me. He likes me." Because I do like you.
Okay. That was pretty cheesy of me. It's only the truth, though. I have real romantic feelings for you, and I've been thinking about how much I like you for awhile now.
I remember when you stomped up the steps to the platform of the L train just a few months ago. You looked pissed and about ready to kill me. I won't lie to you, I was fearing for my life and I thought, "This is it. This is how I go. At the hands of a beautiful human." But you didn't kill me. You grabbed me by my shirt collar and you gave me a quick kiss and said, "I like your stupid ass." Not the most romantic confession, but it's the only confession I've ever gotten. It's the only confession I want and need.
And I remember you tripping and falling right after. I wanted to carry your bookbag for you, but you wouldn't let me. We kept asking each other why. "Why can't I carry it?" I asked, "Why do you want to carry it?" You asked. "Because I want to," I would say and then you would yell at me and tell me to give your bookbag back. We looked like ten-year-olds.
The train had pulled in and you tried to grab my hand and lead me inside, but you tripped over my foot and fell down instead. You fell so hard you started crying and I panicked inside. But when I rubbed your back and asked if you were okay, you said you were upset that you made me miss the train. I offered you my hand and you took, and now, I want to hold your hand forever.
So yeah, I like you a lot. I'm sorry it took so long for me to say it. I can't wait to see where we go from here.
With love, Jeongin.
all rights reserved | copyrights © spookybias. do not repost, translate, moderate, or copy any of my works.
#districtninewriters#kdiner#lsn.works#yang jeongin imagines#yang jeongin scenarios#yang jeongin x reader#yang jeongin fluff#yang jeongin angst#jeongin x reader#jeongin imagines#jeongin scenarios#jeongin fluff#jeongin angst#skz x reader#skz imagines#skz scenarios#skz fluff#skz angst#skz jeongin#stray kids x reader#stray kids imagines#stray kids scenarios#stray kids fluff#stray kids angst#yang jeongin#jeongin#skz#stray kids
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starless fairy tales || keigo takami, katsuki bakugou.
* pairing: keigo takami (hawks) x reader x katsuki bakugou (gender neutral!)
* genre: it’s a sandwich: angst on the top, fluff in the middle, and angst at the end :) not fantasy DLKFSF IM SORRY
* words: 5.2k, somehow
* warnings: angsty, reader is wary of hawks at first, tokyo skytree!! so don’t read if you’re terribly afraid of heights, a reference to blood for a small metaphor, a reference to the league of villains ;P, cliffhanger ending that i’m not sure i’ll resolve
* original request from @bien-sur: hey, saw you wanted requests and I read through some of your work, really loved the Hawks one shot!! i’m a sucker for enemies who make out. i’m feeling angsty so uh maybe, if you want, a bakugo one-shot where he kind of uh cheats on the reader...? or maybe just hurts her feelings very badly? maybe the reader feels numb for a while but is comforted by Keigo, and the reader realizes they deserve better? so sorry if this is out of your comfort zone or it’s dark content(?) anyways I like your writing so i’ll read a few more of your works before going to bed :)) thank you, i appreciate u taking the time to do requests regardless of whether you do mine :)
* a/n: ENEMIES TO LOVERS IS SUPERIOR!! i was so excited to write an enemies piece with hawks. this showcases the soft, kind side of hawks so i hope you enjoy it !! thank you sooo much for being so kind in your request! this request is completely fine. i added much more plot than i’d expected, and learned sooo much about tokyo skytree. i couldn’t do infidelity because it hurts me too much and i love bakugou too much. i tried to keep the angst.,., but happy birb..,., this might become a multi-chap fic, as i do have a plot jumbled in my head because of the cliffhanger, and i’d like to develop more aspects of your request! for now, it’s up to your interpretation! biggest thing i got out of this: i now really, really want to go to tokyo skytree.
* synopsis: you had a fairy tale love with bakugou until your prince became the villain for vague reasons. in a moment of serendipity, you find a new prince, hawks, who just might take you high enough to reach the stars you’d so longed for. sometimes your dreams are only a train ride and a couple elevator trips away.
love was like a fairy tale. at least, that’s what you’d believed. love, with its ornate leather cover and soft golden embellishments. the pages would be worn but so cherished; the black ink printed in a pretty font, telling of charming words and whispered promises under the shining moonlight and twinkling stars. it was supposed to be your security, a castle hidden in the lush forest away from the horrors of the world. your castle would hold you and bakugou for an eternity, kept away in the pages of a pretty love story.
alas, even the strongest of castles fall, and the most beautiful of forests mangle. yours just happened to be a bit quicker. contrary to the illusion bakugou had painted in your fairy tale, your castle was not of stone nor brick nor iron. it was not of anything but sand, waiting for its turn to be washed away by the sea. your castle slipped through your fingers; the once elaborate stronghold now swept into the depths of the cerulean sea. what had once been painted seashells of wondrous hues and crystals that illuminated the night were now pebbles and corroded versions of things that had once been. it had slipped through your fingers so easily without a passing thought; now here you were, in your deserted kingdom, playing the fool.
like the sand past your fingers, love had once come easy for you and bakugou. it was always there, drifting in the air as you walked or swirling above your heads while you bickered. love was supposed to be easy, like how your hand just fit in bakugou's as if sculpted after many lives with him. love was supposed to be easy, like how bakugou aced his tests in school and nonchalantly taught you math so you wouldn't have to attend cram school. love was supposed to be easy, like how it had been for forever with bakugou. but your fairy tale was now coming to a close, velvet curtains falling and pages turning to dust.
you wondered if there were any fairy tales on the shelves of books bakugou had. contrary to popular belief at ua, bakugou was an avid reader. it was clear by the shelves that lined the wall in his dorm and the stacks of unread books on his nightstand. you never touched them, though bakugou had said you were free to pick them up whenever you wanted. the only time you’d touched a book from his bookshelf was when he pushed a book of yosano akiko’s to you.
the colored spines of the books on his shelf in your shared apartment all blurred like paint on a palette as you stared at them, bakugou’s voice becoming a fading afterthought.
“y/n? y/n, please…” the voice which had so held you in its tight warmth went cold and unfamiliar. a light flickered out in your castle, and so started the crumbling.
“say…” you started, your throat clogged with disbelief, “it again.”
“please, don’t make me…” his voice trailed off. you could feel his deep scarlet eyes trained on you. “i just…. i’m not in love with you anymore, y/n.” his voice cracked. “you’ve got to understand. please.”
your hand trembled in your lap, your vision shifting out of focus like a faulty camera.
“i tried to feel something, i really did. but…. i can’t.”
“how- how long?” your voice shook.
he paused. “a month… or two, by now?” he reached out to take your hand in his, but it no longer felt right. it was as if his hand was no longer yours to hold. you tensed, moving your hand away.
a light went out in his eyes as he understood and receded his hand. a tower fell in your castle.
“okay,” you said, turning away from him. tears dripped down your face silently and you quickly wiped them away with your sleeve. you stood up from the couch. “i’ll get my things,” you hollowly said, walking toward your shared room with him.
“you don’t need to,” bakugou said. the voice emitted from his throat was no longer his, but the shadow of a stranger’s. “not this fast, at least. don’t force yourself.”
“what makes you say that?” you snapped a bit too harshly. “sorry,” you added quietly.
packing your things was a numbing process. you left the photos of him and you on his nightstand, on top of his pile of unread books. you shoved it all in a backpack you had lying around; your clothes, your phone, your books. you took one last glance around the room and left. bakugou was still sitting on the couch wordlessly, not bothering to say farewell to you as you opened the door and walked out. not that you would’ve responded anyway.
you realized you may have made a miscalculation as you stood cluelessly in the lobby of the apartment building. you had nowhere to go. you fumbled with your phone in your backpack and pulled up your contacts. you knew of no one in your contacts who’d let you stay; they were either on vacation or far away. in truth, bakugou was your closest friend since childhood. he was your map, your guide, your destination; where were you without him?
the wind brushed your cheek as you stood outside the entrance, watching cars pass. the world felt so big compared to the mere side character of you, who buildings loomed over like menacing shadows. it was a somewhat comforting moment, being an alone speck in the grand scheme of things. like this, it was for only a moment you’d forgotten why you were out here in the first place. you’d forgotten the warm feeling that once nestled itself in your heart, instead enraptured by the freeing breeze that rustled in it.
red. then a breeze. that’s all you saw, eyes widening and stepping back. a man no older than you stood in front of you, hands in his pockets. vermillion wings protruded from somewhere on his back, arcing slightly over the man.
“heyyy….” he said lazily, shadows falling on his face. you started walking backward, hands discreetly feeling for the door behind you. “wait! i’m a pro-hero, i swear! i’m hawks, look it up!” he lifted his hands up in surrender, backing away from you.
“who…. what do you want?” you asked cautiously, hand on the doorknob behind you.
he sheepishly scratched the back of his head, laughing nervously. “i, uh…. got lost…. tokyo’s such a big place, y’know?”
“where are you from?” you couldn’t really discern anything of an accent on him, other than a slightly rougher tone of speaking.
“kyushu, fukuoka…” he gestured vaguely. that explained the slight accent. “i’m in tokyo for a bit of work. business trip, y’know how it goes. haven’t visited tokyo in a while, honestly. what’s a good place for a bite? a bird is starving.”
“uh… there’s a place down the street to the right…” off the top of your head, you pointed out a cafe you and bakugou had frequented.
“it doesn’t have chicken wings, does it?” hawks asked.
“chicken…?” you looked from him to his wings. “no, sorry.”
“don’t sweat it! ‘s fine. hey, i might as well treat you for wasting your time. where’re you heading off to? i could pay for a cab, if you gotta go.”
“ah, thank you....” you said bashfully. “i’m not really in a rush anywhere.”
“really?” he looked excited, innocently so, almost like a puppy. “can i treat you to something?”
“uh… sure,” you replied, strengthening your grip on your backpack. “sure.”
“great! off we go, m’liege!” he pointed toward the cafe and started marching. he was a sight to behold on the street, red wings standing out a mile away. you followed somewhat reluctantly, grabbing your phone to google exactly who the pro-hero “hawks” was. the name sounded vaguely familiar, but you weren’t one who knew their heroes. yeah, it was definitely him; what was your luck, meeting such a famous pro-hero on the street after being dumped by the love of your life?
he hummed a tuneless melody, turning to the cafe. he held the doorknob waiting for you, opening the door for you first. the homey cafe was decently packed for lunchtime, the quiet chatter of people filling the atmosphere. the scene reminded you of so many other times you'd gone here with bakugou; it gave you chills as you stood next to hawks.
"hey," hawks said quietly. "you okay? you seem tense."
you gulped and shook your head. "nah, i'm fine. just thinking about what to eat," you lied.
he nodded, seeming to buy into the lie. stepping toward the menu, he said, "the toasted sandwiches look good."
"uh huh," you agreed absentmindedly. your attention was on the bout of people who'd turned to look at hawks, some snapping pictures on their phones. he did stand out pretty well with his wings.
"'scuse me-!" a little girl, no more than 6 or 7, approached the hero. she had a distinctive accent; it was slightly hard to understand her. "can i 'ave a photo with ya?" her eyes got all round. "yer my big brother's favorite hero!"
"'course, darlin'," hawks smiled. his voice somewhat mimicked hers, his dialect becoming apparent.
once he'd taken a photo with her, more and more people started following suit, crowding him. you stood awkwardly to the side. some people didn't even know who he was, from what you could tell. you debated ordering a latte and leaving, but decided it'd be unfair to hawks. he was kind to everyone he interacted with, unlike most celebrities who just wanted fame and disregarded others.
after some time, the crowd finally dispersed, leaving you and hawks together.
he glanced at his watch. “ah, sorry, that took a while…” he apologized. “do you have somewhere to be? i must’ve held you up…”
“nah, don’t worry about it.” you waved him off. “i, uh, actually… was just dumped by my boyfriend…” you nervously shuffled your feet. “i don’t really have a place to stay at the moment… so i’m free the entire day, i guess.” you laughed nervously.
he blinked at you, bird-like eyes wide. “you must be starving.”
you felt your face warm and you laughed - this time, a real, genuine laugh that was a missed sensation against your tongue. “yeah. yeah, i am.”
“hey, dove.” his voice suddenly got close to you, gentler. “you’re crying.”
“oh…?” you felt your cheek with the pad of your thumb. “sorry. i have tissues in my backpack, hang on…” you unzipped the front pocket and started to rummage blindly through your belongings, groping for something vaguely feeling like a packet of tissues.
“here,” he said, handing you a tissue. you turned to him gratefully, accepting the tissue and wiping your face.
“it’s just… weird,” you said after a pause. “he’s been there all my life - my ex, i mean.” ex. such a strange name for the man you so adored; ex, crossing off the relationship you thought you’d built with him.
hawks nodded, guiding you to a booth in the cafe.
you continued, “sorry. you probably didn’t want to hear this today… you’re busy with your hero duties and whatnot.”
“don’t worry ‘bout it, feather,” he reassured you. “he didn’t kick you out, did he?”
“oh, no,” you clarified quickly. “i… left,” you said, abashed. “i shouldn’t’ve been so sudden, but… it was an instinct thing.”
“why’d he do it so suddenly?” hawks asked. “you didn’t see it coming, right?”
“no, i didn’t… but maybe i should’ve…” you think about the part couple months with bakugou. nothing seemed different - you’d gone on dates like normal and spent time together like a couple that loved each other. his interest in you never faltered and nor did the sparkle in his eyes dull; what had happened? what had gone so wrong?
you realize the silence that’s fallen between you and hawks. the hero was looking at the menu behind you intently.
“ham and cheese…” he muttered to himself. “no, teriyaki… so yummy… with coffee…” he suddenly seemed aware of your eyes staring at him. “oh, what did you want to eat?”
“i’ll probably have the teriyaki,” you said. it was your go-to sandwich choice at the cafe. you reached for your backpack to retrieve your wallet, but hawks stopped you.
“let me,” he said. “i already caused you so much inconvenience.”
“ah, okay…” you said meekly. “thank you.”
he shrugged. “what wouldja like to drink?”
“uh… orange juice,” you said.
“alright!” he saluted you. “your wish is my command.” he got up to order, pulling out his wallet from his pocket. the cashier was particularly animated talking to him, initiating a conversation about aerodynamics with the pro-hero from what you could hear.
he returned with the sandwiches (made at the fastest time you swore you’d seen them prepare food) and set yours in front of you.
“let’s dig in!” hawks said, biting into his sandwich. you agreed, taking a bite of yours as well.
“what’s your name, by the way?” he said in between bites. “i don’t think i ever asked.”
“y/n,” you said.
“pretty,” he commented. “i’m hawks.”
“i know,” you blurted. “i googled it.”
“you did?” his pupils widened. “what’d it say??”
“uhh…” you pulled out your phone, finding the tab you used to google hawks. you turned your screen to him.
he studied the screen. “not fond of that angle,” he mused to himself. “so, why’d your boyfriend dump you?”
you were taken aback by his candor. “he… said he didn’t love me anymore,” you admitted.
“all of a sudden? out of the blue?”
you shook your head. “he said he’d tried to endure it for a while.”
“how long?”
“a month or two,” you sighed, thinking about the sight of him sitting dejectedly on the couch this morning.
“he didn’t say anything before that?” hawks gasped. “the nerve. how long have you been together?”
“four… or five years now?” you’d been dating him since your days at ua, even when most high school romances - between childhood friends, no less - were especially rocky. he was your promised forever.
“and he gives up after two months?” hawks set his sandwich down. “wow. some boyfriend.”
“i think there was something more to it,” you said thoughtfully. “we’ve known each other for a long…”
“you still love him, don’t you?”
“i mean… yeah….” you hadn’t given it much thought; bakugou was a habit your heart couldn’t stop thinking about. it was like depriving your heart of oxygen: foreign and wrong. “i do.”
“i’m sorry, dove,” he said.
“your sandwich will get cold,” you said in an attempt to divert the conversation topic.
“you’re right.” he picked up his sandwich and started eating again, eyes still on you. “this place has good food.”
you hummed in agreement, distracted by the cars going by outside the window.
“where will you stay?” he asked, halfway done with his sandwich.
hawks voiced the concern plaguing your subconscious from the moment you stepped out of bakugou’s apartment building. it was definitely not the most thoroughly well-thought out plan, and you didn’t want to come back knocking on his door in the night. besides, you weren’t sure if you could stand being there again, in the presence of a liar and someone who felt so foreign to you. you wondered how much you truly didn’t know about bakugou; were there any other lies he’d blossomed behind your back?
you knew you might be able to stay at a hotel for a couple nights, but not for long. going back to bakugou’s place… as much as you so dreaded the mere thought, you knew it might be your absolute last resort.
“i’m not sure,” you finally replied truthfully. hawks appeared to have come to a conclusion of sorts.
“tell ya what,” he said, leaning forward slightly. “explore tokyo with me.” he took a bite of his sandwich. continuing, he said, “‘s not often the commission puts me in the big city. i’m off today, so…”
the offer was somewhat bizarre, but what did you have to lose? you agreed, under the terms you wouldn’t be out too late. as you walked out the door, you greeted the cool outside breeze with the hope this would help you put the past behind you.
walking through tokyo with a pro-hero proved harder than it sounded. for one, people kept approaching hawks; after all, he was like a walking light-up sign that said “LOOK AT ME!” with the size and color of his wings. after every time a fan asked hawks for an autograph, he sheepishly apologized to you, and offered two autographs to you. you always laughed and declined; the trip was a reward in itself, you supposed. each acquaintance made you appreciate all the responsibilities of a pro-hero. he was charming, though. he really was, so you didn’t mind.
“skytree! let’s go there!” was the first thing hawks had said walking out of the cafe. you’d been to the skytree a couple of times in your childhood, and it was a nice memory; the tall building stretching, touching the tip of the sky. your parents had told you that stardust flecked the very top of the skytree, for it was so tall. you’d never actually reached the highest floor; it felt like a distant fantasy, as you’d always get tired before reaching the top or circumstance would interfere.
it was a five minute walk to the nearest station, and it’d be another forty or so to skytree. hawks didn’t seem to mind, though, happily promenading down the street like a kid in a candy shop. he pointed excitedly to random buildings that you hadn’t given a second thought about and rambled about the facts he knew about skytree with an accent tingeing his words more than usual. he reminded you very much so of a child going on a field trip, and his giddiness only boosted yours.
“we’re here!” his eyes glistened with anticipation when you reached the station. you’d visited the station dozens of times, but looked at it with a new light when you realized how excited hawks was. “i’ll pay; i dragged you here,” he said immediately when you started to pay for tickets.
“really, i can’t-” you started, but he cut you off.
“let me. it’s my off day! please.” he took the two tickets he paid for. “here.”
“i don’t really have a choice, do i?”
“nope!” he was already walking away, smiling back at you and waving his ticket.
“hey- wait!” you started running after him. “wrong way!”
forty minutes later, two transfers, and one circle around the station in pursuit of skytree, you stood at the entrance of the tokyo skytree. hawks’ mouth watered at the sight of the line of restaurants in the breezeway you’d passed prior, and you had to stop him from ordering the seasonal special from mcdonald’s before turning to skytree.
“but you just ate!” you exclaimed as he stared longingly at the ice cream being advertised on a poster.
he pouted. “but i’m hungry…”
you took his hand (which momentarily shocked him) and guided him to the entrance. it was a bit crowded, but not overtly so. hawks was looking everywhere once you’d entered; darting from here to there, sometimes carrying small souvenirs or drinks when returning to you. you were out of energy by the time you’d reached floor 340, though hawks told you there were only 29 floors total and the name was referencing the height. it certainly didn’t feel like an exaggeration, your feet dragging on the ground as you stepped out of the oddly fast elevator.
you begged hawks to let you rest at the cafe you saw. the cafe felt like a little oasis of tranquility, uncrowded on contrary to the other floors. it was relaxing as you stared outside the window and up at the sky. it brought you to your parents words of stars and magic, though something as modern as the skytree must be strange to intermingle with magic. in the moment you were suspended; the still sky surrounding you and the ever-moving cars below. you swore you could just reach the clouds in front of you and float, so serenely in an eternal bubble of quietude to yourself. everything else was forgotten in that moment; things were the way they always were. it was always you, in the end.
after leaving the cafe, you watched people stand on glass flooring overlooking everything below. some jumped on the glass, while some frightenedly stuck a foot on the glass and jumped back.
“quite the view, huh?” hawks mumbled with a mouth stuffed full with chocolate cake. “i usually have to fly so far to get this view.”
you nodded. “it’s amazing...”
“so… where d’you wanna go after this?” he asked you.
“actually…” your thoughts went back to the stories your parents told you. “can we go up to floor 455?”
he showed a hint of surprise on his face. “really? i know we bought the tickets to do it, but if you’re tired, we can just go down.”
“no…” you cleared your throat. “it’s been something i really wanted to do.”
he took this answer and smiled, grasping your hand. “let’s walk into the sky!”
the train ride back did not go as smoothly as you hoped. the adrenaline of being 450 meters in the air had worn itself out, and the pitting realization that bakugou was no longer yours dawned on you. the sapphire sky in your fairy tale story seemed so far now, stars shattering and crumbling. you reached for a piece of a star, but each piece dissolved above your head, light that would never reach you.
“feather,” hawks said quietly. the intense look in his eyes looked like he was building up to something important.
“yeah?” you asked. you fixated on him.
“do you want… a badtz-maru eraser?”
you stared at the spiky-haired penguin in the palm of hawks’ hand.
“sure…?” you said. hawks happily plopped the eraser into your hand.
“feather,” he said again in the same tone. “you should visit bakugou, you know. tonight, to make things straight with him.”
that was what he was building up to. bakugou. you hadn’t dwelled much on the thought of the man; the skytree filling most of your thoughts for the day. but it was still light out.
“i know,” you replied softly, looking down at your fingers. these were the hands that held your heart as you gave it to bakugou, the hands that bakugou held tenderly for so many days and nights. they were the same hands that held your heart now, returned by bakugou shattered and clinking to the ground. the rest of the train ride was silent.
you could now hear your thoughts echoing around the train compartment, deflecting off walls and still making their way to your heart. you wondered what words were left unsaid by bakugou, painful truths untold hidden in the recesses of his heart. you wondered if he remembered how he’d first nervously asked you on a date in high school, words rough but fingers softly fidgeting with each other. it was in may, near the end of the day. he shoved a small box of chocolates towards you, muttering something about “weird hair” making him do it. he’d aggressively stuttered his way through a confession, barely making eye contact with you. the memory brought a fluttering to your heart, but with it came a sore pain for the first time. you wondered if he felt the same or if he was just numb, like how he now felt about you. what did it feel like to fall out of love?
you wondered if he remembered the many times he’d walked you home (only for your sake, of course, not anything else). you wondered if he remembered how fondly he looked at you then. his heart was on his sleeve during those times, the perpetual blush on his cheeks disclosing his very vulnerable feelings towards you.
even on the most draining of days, bakugou would always be there for you. even if his eyelids were closing upon their own accord and legs were sore from a day’s work, he made it a point to be there for you. while children might’ve had their security blankets, you had bakugou. your heart dropped realizing those days of coming home to bakugou were gone.
what had happened? now, you were alone on a train that felt so cold and without the love that had so warmed your heart. why had things ended up like this? why did you numb bakugou’s feelings so? the wave was slow at first, but once it had reached the shore, your tears fell hot and unyielding as you toppled off the edge of being okay.
hawks was by your side wordlessly, a wing around you and leaning you close to him. the feathers were soft. you cried unabashedly in his embrace, sniffling as he soothed you. you tried to say thank you, but all that came out was another sob.
your feet, on instinct, took you to bakugou's apartment without any problem. it could’ve been any other day; you, coming back to the apartment after running errands. it was your hand that hesitated as it hovered an inch away from the wood of the door, the only sign that something had changed. you liked to pretend it hadn’t. you wished that when you’d open the door, you’d hear a light chatter from the tv and a familiar voice saying, “welcome home, idiot.” you wished that the air that enveloped you as soon as you opened the door was that of liveliness and comfort, of warm orange and yellow hues. you wished that the atmosphere didn’t feel so dead, dull, and musty; you wish it hadn’t drowned in shades of blue and gray. you wished you didn’t have the key to the apartment still.
you wished that bakugou would say something, anything, rather than sit on the couch with his head bowed. you wished that you didn’t miss him so much and that you had him, all at the same time. you wished you turned back as soon as you heard the knob click and pushed open the door; you wished not to see all that you had in what was once your apartment.
you wished you didn’t revel in his presence next to you on the couch. you wished you didn’t almost lean into his touch because he was your home, and you wished your eyes didn’t well up the way they had. you wished to have sat in that silence for a while then up and gone; you wished he hadn’t said anything at all.
“hey, idiot,” was a cracky and raspy thing coming out of his mouth, words familiar but so foreign at the same time.
“hey,” was what you whispered back, quiet enough for only you to hear.
“where’d you go?” but it wasn’t a question, just a fragile plea devoid of hope.
“skytree,” and you felt you’d break the mood.
“did you reach the top?” his response surprised and killed you at the same time.
“yeah,” you said quietly. “i did.”
“alone?”
“i could never alone.”
“who…?”
“met a pro-hero by chance.”
“your true hero, huh?” it was a bitter tone, venom biting you.
“no,” and your heart sunk because it was the truth.
he scoffed. getting up from the couch, he said, “you forgot something.”
your eyes followed him as he disappeared into your once shared room. he returned quite fast, as if you’d left it on the dresser, carrying a decorated shoebox. you’d almost forgotten about it entirely, eyes wide as nostalgia hit you.
it was a memory box you’d made the last year of high school. it was supposed to be for school memories, but it really just became a box of mementos of bakugou. you could barely see the contents inside, too busy trying to hold back the tears in your eyes. you thumbed through photos and polaroids of you and him, some with his friends and some with yours. oh, what you’d give to have those times back. though it was all blurred, you could feel the moments so vividly: feel the cool summer breeze and hear the sound of people conversing with each other at a festival; hear mina’s excited ramblings and bakugou’s grumbling at the supermarket; smell caramel and vanilla at a movie night, pressed against bakugou’s body warmth. you dropped the photos back into the box and picked up a scorched pencil. a pressed rose. a neatly folded sheet of notes you’d sent back and forth with bakugou during class.
and then it was all gone, shutting the box.
“keep it.” you regretted the words as soon as they left your lips, but you wouldn’t take them back. you handed him the box, staring at the floor and wiping your wet eyes. the memories were no longer yours to keep.
bakugou was silent, taking the box and leaving to his room to put it away.
“is that all?” you tried to make your voice sound strong, impatient. like you had better places to be without him. you hoped he couldn’t tell how it was more of a beg to stay.
“yeah.” cold. emotionless.
you stood for another second, looking around. everything seemed different, as if the glass which surrounded your universe had shattered. “bye, katsuki.”
“bye.”
your footsteps were light, but each step felt weighed by metal weights. you wished he stopped you from leaving. you wished you looked back at him. you wished you weren’t crying.
you shut the door quietly, weakly, behind you. it all came out in the hallway, tears and desperate sobs. you prayed he couldn’t hear you; but you knew, even if he did, he wouldn’t care anymore. he was numbed, no longer the firework you’d known.
“hawks,” it came as a quiet plea as you felt for your phone and dialed his number. he gave it to you right before you walked into bakugou’s apartment.
“please pick up, please pick up,” you muttered, trying to wipe the tears from your cheeks as quickly as they came.
“hey, birdie? are you okay?”
“hawks,” you sobbed. “hawks, no, i’m not.”
“hey, are you still at the apartment building? i’ll be right there, chickadee, alright?”
you nodded, sniffed, then said meekly, “yeah.”
“stay on the line. talk to me, birdie.” his voice was soothing.
“hawks, it hurts, everything.” you felt as though you were pouring out your heart, spilling scarlet on the carpet. “hawks.” tears dropped onto the carpet. “hawks.” your knees almost gave in.
“what floor are you on, dove?”
“third,” you hiccupped.
“i’m right there, feather.” you saw hawks emerge from the stairwell. his hair looked windblown. he looked relieved to see you at first, then his face fell to that of sympathy. “oh, birdie,” he said softly, running up to you. “i’m here now.’
you weren’t aware bakugou was listening to you cry on the other side of the door as you sobbed into someone else’s shoulder, not his. with dark eyes and trembling hands he couldn’t calm, he dialed a number on his phone.
“well, tomura? i did it.”
#hawks x reader#keigo takami x reader#bakugou x reader#bnha x reader#bakugou angst#bnha angst#hawks fluff#bnha fluff#hawks imagines#hawks scenarios#keigo takami fluff#keigo takami imagines#keigo takami scenarios#katsuki bakugou#keigo takami#luna's writing
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About Time
*Not my Gif* Sam finally admits he's in love with you. (Some nsfw)
The day Sam met you was a trial by fire sort of thing. Him and Dean needed a couple extra hands on a hunt so Bobby had sent you and your cousin their way. Your cousin was only a couple years older than Dean so the two of them teamed up leaving you with Sam. He was impressed from the start because you managed to finesse the local fuzz in a way that Dean wouldn't even be able to.
On the hunt itself you held your own against the nest of vamps and ended up even carrying one of the more injured victims out yourself. Your cousin just shook her head when him and Dean told you they could've went back for the girl "She thinks she's wonder woman. I swear this girl is either gonna be the death of me or end up ruling hell" Dean bought you a beer afterwards, Sam was hooked.
Over the years you kept in contact with Sam and Dean then when your cousin died you ended up starting to hunt more often with them and eventually took their offer of a bedroom in the bunker. You and Dean had quickly become best friends, same as you and Cas. Sam had been harboring feelings for you for years that only got worse living in close quarters with you.
------
You'd been living in the bunker for a couple months when one morning Sam got back from his run to overhear you talking to Dean in the kitchen "Dean either he doesn't look at me like that or he is the most oblivious man on the face of this earth" you'd recently split from a guy you'd been seeing off and on so he didn't want to get his hopes up until Dean said "That's where it helps having the guy who's known him since birth on your side sweetheart and standford or no standford Sammy doesn't really take subtle well. Just tell him how you feel because I've listened to him talk about you for years. I've heard him cuss every guy you've ever dated. He feels the same"
He headed to his room to act as if he hadn't heard any of the conversation. When he walked into the library after a shower you were sitting at one of the long tables looking over a lore book and glanced up when he walked in "Hey Sam" he smiled "Good morning Y/N. Where's Dean this early?" you held up a half of a glass of orange juice "It was his turn to go on a supply run and we're out of coffee"
He walked over to sit down next to you and tilted the book you were reading to see the front of it "Enochian?" You shrugged "Figured it'd come in handy if I could translate at least a few words if Cas wasn't around?" "That's smart" he said with a smile and realized just how close he was sitting to you when you moved to face him and your hair brushed his shoulder "Sam, can I ask you something?" your eyes widening told him you hadn't realized the close proximity either "Of course" he held your gaze and watched you nip at the tip of your thumb which was something you did when you were nervous no matter how rare that situation was "Do you wanna go out with me?"
He reached to pull your hand away from your mouth and smiled when you tracked his movements with your eyes "I'd love to"
-------
That friday you and Sam headed out to a local bar that Dean said served decent enough food. Hell Dean had even let you take baby out which was a rare thing indeed.
You walked into the bar behind Sam and smiled when he reached back to grab your hand "C'mon sweetheart" he pulled you towards a booth in the corner. You slid in first and he slid in after you. You glanced around and saw that a live band was setting up, the bar itself looked clean and with a normal enough crowd.
After the waitress took your order Sam turned towards you "Why are we nervous? We've known each other for years" You shrugged "I don't know. Maybe we should go ahead and kiss and get that out of the way?" he laughed lightly then said "That actually sounds like a good idea" you leaned up to touch your lips against his in a quick kiss that quickly deepened when he pulled you into his lap. Your hands went to his shoulders to steady yourself when you felt his tongue flick across your lips asking for entrance so you opened your mouth slightly and had to stifle a moan when you felt his tongue slide into your mouth moving against yours.
His hands slipped under your shirt and a low moan escaped you at the feeling of his hands on your skin. The waitress clearing her throat broke the two of you apart. You never broke eye contact with Sam when you threw a twenty down and said "That'll pay for the drinks, cancel our food please" she simply took the money and walked away with a laugh.
You climbed out of his lap then grabbed his hand "Suddenly I'm not hungry, how about you?" His eyes ran across your body before he finally said "Not for food"
-------
The ride back to the bunker felt longer than it ever been. You were trying not to distract Sam but god you'd finally felt his lips on yours and was wondering what they would feel like on other body parts.
About halfway back he finally pulled off the road and killed the lights. When you shot him a look he raised an eyebrow "Come here" you quickly straddled his lap feeling how hard he already was underneath you. "Do you want to wait until we get back?" He asked kissing your neck and down to your collarbone pushing your shirt down further to give him access to more skin. "Who says we can't have another round once we get to a bed?"
He chuckled against your skin "I like that answer" he moved his hands to the seam of your shirt and you moved to let him pull it over your head. "I've wanted this for a long time" he whispered letting his tongue run across the top of your bared breasts. You let your head fall back with a moan as he sucked gently on the skin there. "Sam, is there enough room?" he glanced up at you and you realized your choice of words "I mean in the front seat?"
He thought about it for a moment then pulled back "Get in the back" you climbed off his lap and climbed across the seat while he stepped out then opened the back door to climb in with you. You laid back on the seat and curled your finger at him "Come here Winchester" he pulled his shirt over his head then climbed up you leaving a trail of kisses on every inch of exposed skin. When he got to your mouth the kiss was hungry but gentle. He rolled his hips against your and a groan left his lips when you moaned at the movement. "We really need these jeans off" you laughed so he leaned back up far enough to help you slip off your jeans and boots then kicked his own off.
He spread your legs then licked his lips "God you're beautiful" you felt a slight wave of embarrassment at being completely bared and must have moved to cover yourself because he caught both of your hands in one of his "Nope, I want to see every inch of you baby" there was soo much sincerity in his voice you relaxed and he smiled "Now lay back. If I do anything you don't like tell me ok?" You nodded and he lowered his head leaving kisses up your left leg until he got to where you needed the most attention "Sam" you moaned when he licked into you curling his tongue up against that sensitive spot.
You could feel an orgasm building and gripped his hair as your breathing quickened. He added two fingers in with his tongue and that was all it took. You came with a moan of his name on your lips. He worked you through the orgasm then kissed his way back up your body. When he got to your lips he caught your mouth in a hard kiss allowing you to taste yourself on him "Please fuck me Sam" you moaned and he smiled against your lips "Yes ma'am"
When he slid into you, you bit your lip against the stretch. Once he was fully inside of you he stilled letting you adjust to him. "Are you ok?" he asked kissing your neck and chest. You nodded after a moment and tapped his hips "Move Sam" he started to roll his hips against yours every movement rubbing against that spot deep inside of you "God damn Sam" you moaned and he laughed "I'll take that as a compliment" you knew from the angle and pace he wouldn't be able to come easily so after a few moments you urged him "You can go harder Sam you won't hurt me"
He started to thrust harder and you felt your eyes roll back as that building pressure burst again. "Fuck Y/N you're so damn beautiful taking me like that baby. Ugh you're squeezing me hard enough I can barely move" he groaned biting down on your breast hard enough you knew there'd be a mark there come morning. "Sam oh fuck please tell me you're close" you begged and he nodded hitting even deeper inside of you.
When you felt his hips shudder you knew he was close. "I'm close baby" he whispered and you gripped his shoulders when you felt him come emptying inside of you. He thrust a few more times before collapsing against you moving just enough to make sure you could breath fine. "Fuck why did we wait so long to do that?" you asked with a laugh kissing his tattoo since it was closest to your lips. "I don't know but I look forward to doing it again" "And again?" you asked pulling him to you for a kiss.
-------
Luckily Dean was asleep by the time you two got back so he didn't see both of you come in carrying your shoes, Sam only wearing jeans and you wearing Sam's shirt. You dropped your pile of clothes in your room then headed to Sam's room with him. The night was far from over.
------
A couple weeks later Dean and Cas had ran into town to grab supplies so you were sitting at one of the tables in the library looking over news articles to make sure there was nothing near by that needed attention. Sam stood there watching you for the longest, your hair was falling out of your bun and you were chewing on the end of your pen. He'd never seen a more beautiful sight. You glanced up after a moment and grinned "I'm literally your wallpaper on your phone so if you wanna stare you have pictures"
"I love you Y/N" he said so easily and didn't even think twice about it until your smile fell. "I um I mean it's ok if you don't feel the same. I just wanted to tell you" but you cut him off by grabbing his hand to pull him closer "Sam! calm down" when he finally stopped talking you laughed "I love you too. I have for a while"
You heard clapping and looked up to see Dean at the bottom of the steps "About damn time" Cas looked around him "I tried to get him to not eavesdrop" you laughed again "Don't worry Cas I'm used to it"
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Y’all I just thought of an awesome TABF AU. I’ll talk about it underneath the cut.
So, y’all remember what I told y’all about Fortune’s past before getting involved with the underworld? Aka her parents died and none of her relatives wanted her cause they thought she was cursed for predicting her parents’ deaths which led to her cousin selling her to pay off a debt?
Well, I just had a fun thought which led to this AU. Instead of ending up with a cousin who sells her off to the underworld, Fortune ends up with a nice elderly lady, who’s a relative of hers, who doesn’t think it’s fair how everyone else in the family has been treating Fortune. She doesn’t have any kids of her own and isn’t married, so she takes Fortune in after her parents die in hopes of providing a good home for her.
Here’s the kicker. The relative lives in the same neighborhood as Midoriya and Bakugou.
Yes, that’s right, folks. I’m talking about a childhood friends AU cause what could be better than that?
Since Fortune is three/almost four when her parents die, Midoriya and Bakugou are just babies at the time she moves in with her relative. Because of that age gap, she doesn’t really hang out with them at first even when they get older.
Plus, she’s the type of kid who keeps to herself due to her parents’ deaths which she blames herself for. Since she sees herself as cursed, she thinks it’s better not to get too close to anyone.
That all changes when she first sees Bakugou and his friends picking on Midoriya. Before she even realizes what she’s doing, she’s running over toward the boys and gets in between them to protect Midoriya.
Bakguou’s friends immediately start backing off cause this is a girl they’re dealing with, an older girl at that. Bakugou, however, stands his ground cause he doesn’t back down from any challenge.
Bakugou recognizes Fortune as the weird girl in the neighborhood who doesn’t have any friends and is rumored to be cursed. Being the brat that he is, he brings that up, thinking she’ll back down once he does.
Surprisingly enough, Fortune doesn’t. While his cruel words hurt, they also make her surprisingly irritated.
It’s because he’s the first person to be so openly rude to her. All the other people would just talk about her behind her back, so she’s not used to guys like Bakugou.
In the end, Bakugou’s words have the opposite effect than he intended since they cause all the negative emotions Fortune has been suppressing to finally overflow. She finally hits her breaking point.
As a result, the two end up butting heads which eventually leads to them brawling. Even though Fortune has never been prone to violence up until this point, she’s fighting as hard as she can cause she’s stubborn as hell and does not want to lose to this kid.
Surprisingly enough, despite her inexperience, Fortune doesn’t do a half bad job at fighting. She’s able to hold her own pretty decently, which is a first when it comes to people going up against Bakugou since he’s used to beating anyone who challenges him.
Eventually, Midoriya is able to break up the fight when he points out how late it has gotten and how Bakugou’s mom will coming looking for him soon, which Bakugou obviously wants to avoid.
As a result, no clear winner is decided, which Bakugou is obviously displeased about.
That’s why he’s quick to say he’ll be coming back for a rematch the next time he sees Fortune. After that, he leaves the playground on his own since his friends ran off when the brawl started out of fear of getting in trouble for messing with an older girl.
The only ones left are Fortune and Midoriya who both ask each other at the same time if the other is alright, much to their surprise.
Thankfully, Fortune isn’t too bad off, but Midoriya still wants her to come home with him so she can get her scrapes treated.
Fortune is surprised that he’s showing so much concern on her behalf considering he must know who she is. After all, this isn’t the first time the two have seen each other due to the neighborhood being small.
Midoriya tells her that he doesn’t think she’s cursed or a bad person. There’s no way she could be when she was kind enough to defend him. He thinks she’s amazing for standing up to Bakugou the way she did.
He’s the first person other than the relative who took her in to ever say that to Fortune, so she’s incredibly moved by his words and quick acceptance of her.
Even though his words won’t change what happened in the past, they do give her some hope for the future.
Ever since that day, Fortune and Midoriya have been good friends who support each other through thick and thin. You can hardly find one without the other outside of school due to how close they’ve become.
Since she’s older, Midoriya using “nee-chan” at the end of her name, which Fortune finds absolutely adorable. She loves to dote on him like he’s her real little brother.
Another figure that’s often seen around those two is Bakugou because he’s always challenging Fortune to rematches, which she always accepts.
At first, Fortune and Bakugou can’t stand each other, but as time passes, that changes as they start to learn more about each other.
Thanks to Fortune, Bakugou learns early on how his treatment of Midoriya is unacceptable and puts an end to the bullying once Fortune gets through that thick skull of his and helps him get through all those negative feelings of his.
Brawling is still the norm for them, but there’s never any animosity involved. They’re just two stubborn individuals who hate to lose and want to keep getting stronger so the other won’t get ahead of them.
So, they’re friends but won’t openly admit it. They’re quick to butt heads but will just as easily throw down with anyone messing with the other.
Over the next few years, those three become quite close, which leads to Fortune eventually telling the boys about what happened to her parents.
Naturally, neither of them think she’s to blame for what happened, and they’re both upset that so many of her relatives treated her like a curse.
Their acceptance means the world to her and helps her to finally put those doubts she’s been harboring behind her so she can finally move forward with her life.
After that, the three become closer than ever, which is why the boys take it so hard when things eventually go south.
When she’s ten years old, Fortune gets kidnapped by a man related to the underworld who saw her one day brawling with Bakugou. He thought she’d be perfect for cage fighting and would be a real hit with the crowd.
The reason he decided to target her instead of Bakugou is because, according to his research, the only person who would bother looking for her is her old relative who really can’t do much.
Naturally, he was wrong.
When Midoriya and Bakugou find out that Fortune has vanished, they tear through the town looking for her, ignoring all the adults who tell them to leave this matter to the police and heroes.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard and long they look, the boys never find her.
However, Midoriya and Bakugou both refuse to give up. Instead, they swear to find Fortune one day which is why they become even more determined to become heroes.
Another side effect of that day is that the boys become protective of each other since you never know when something else might happen. Bakugou especially becomes overprotective since Midoriya is Quirkless and nowhere near as good at fighting as him or Fortune.
Despite Midoriya’s Quirklessness, Bakugou doesn’t ridicule his dream of becoming a hero. He just tells Midoriya that he’ll have to play things smart if he really wants to become a hero ergo Midoriya will need a plan and will need to train like crazy, which is exactly what they both do.
During the next nine years, while the boys are training to become heroes, Fortune is in the underworld forced to fight as The Prophet like in TABF canon. Unlike in TABF canon, Fortune often tries to escape the underworld because she knows she has people who are waiting for her back home, but unfortunately, all her escape attempts are foiled.
To make matters worse, she learns thanks to her Quirk that her relative who took her in dies a year after her kidnapping. Her grief was just too much for her old heart.
In the end, the only thing that keeps Fortune going during those long, hard years is the visions she gets of Midoriya and Bakugou. When she sees how they haven’t given up on finding her, it makes her want to keep fighting, so that she can one day see them again.
Thankfully, things finally turn around when Fortune confronts Tokumei about the USJ attack which leads to him sending her to UA and erasing her memories. Fortunately, the memories of her visions related to Midoriya and Bakugou don’t get erased, so she remembers who they are.
Although, she doesn’t remember what happened to her or how exactly she came to know them. She just knows that they’re important to her and that they’ve been looking for her.
That’s why after it’s decided that Fortune will be Aizawa’s TA she asks if a meeting could be held with Midoriya and Bakugou before class starts on her first day as a TA since she has a feeling they’ll recognize her as soon as they see her which would cause a big scene if their reunion happens when she walks into the classroom.
Since this is a chance to get more information on her, Aizawa and Nedzu agree to her request. Thankfully, Midoriya and Bakugou get to school early that day, so there’s no issue with getting them to come to the principal’s office before homeroom.
Bakugou is suspicious about the whole situation while Midoriya is worried that they did something wrong since why else would they be summoned to the principal’s office?
Once the boys are brought into Nedzu’s office, Nedzu explains how someone had wanted to see them before classes begin. This prompts Fortune to move out of the chair she had been sitting in which kept her hidden from view since the chair was facing Nedzu’s desk with its back to the door.
As expected, Midoriya and Bakugou are shocked when they see Fortune. They recognize who she is immediately.
Once the shock wears off, Midoriya promptly bursts into tears and rushes forward to hug Fortune. She’s quick to return the hug since she’s just as happy to see him.
Meanwhile, Bakugou is checking her over to make sure she’s real and really alright as he demands answers for what the hell is going on.
This leads to the adults explaining what happened the previous day and Fortune’s memory loss. Naturally, neither of the boys are happy about this information, Bakugou especially.
Unfortunately, the boys aren’t able to provide a lot of useful information about Fortune since all they know about are the years they spent with her.
When Nedzu asks if there are any relatives that they can contact on Fortune’s behalf, Bakugou quickly tells him that he and Midoriya are the closest thing she has to family and to not bother looking for anyone else.
As a result, Fortune’s overall situation doesn’t change. She still ends up temporarily staying with Aizawa, even though Bakugou and Midoriya do try to convince Aizawa to let her come home with them since their homes have guest rooms she can use.
Aizawa vetoes the idea since the lack of information on Fortune’s past worries him, and he thinks it would be safer if she remained where he could keep a close eye on her. Although, he’s not as suspcious of her now that he has more information about her situation.
Bakugou is naturally not very pleased about this because he takes this to mean that he’s considered not strong enough to keep an eye on her. However, he thankfully doesn’t try to argue with Aizawa about the matter.
Once that’s settled, Aizawa asks the boys to treat Fortune like they would a regular teacher since otherwise that would earn a lot of questions from the other kids. The boys agree since they don’t want to cause trouble for Fortune.
So, they treat her much like they do in TABF canon. Although, they’re obviously more comfortable around her and closer to her due to their shared childhood.
For the most part, things from that point on happen like they do in TABF canon just with some changes here and there to account for Midoriya’s & Bakugou’s improved relationship and their relationship with Fortune.
Naturally, Midoriya and Bakugou are even more protective of Fortune in this AU than they are in TABF canon. They’ve lost her once, and they have no intention to allow that to happen again.
Unfortunately for them, things won’t be easy for them.
#TABF AU#I'm a sucker for a good childhood friends AU#it's like another version of the found family trope#my kinda content#I just think it would be really cute#if those three grew up together#even if was only for just a handful of years#the boys' protectiveness would be through the roof#of course fortune would feel the same way about them
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“But I Wanna Know One Thing When Did I Become a Ghost?”
Sometimes I try to pinpoint the exact day I became a ghost. I go over days and nights and try to decipher if it happened pre or post certain parts of my life. Was it before I finished college? Maybe earlier, maybe the day my parents finally split? Maybe it was the day I realized a boy I loved in my twenties was never going to love me back, and I just needed to focus on myself while life kept unfolding? Was it somewhere in the move across the country to finish college, and try to do something for myself that might better me, that my actual self flew out the window somewhere in Texas, or some other dusty road, and the entire years following were just my ghost years? Or maybe it wasn’t until after I let myself fall so far away from what I remembered myself to be, or what I stood for, or dreams I had, that I shrunk into myself so small and became a walking shell of who I used to be. Maybe it was the day I stood next to someone else at a bar, a different one than the bar I’d left that earlier unrequited love behind at, and thought for the first time in so long ‘is this person perfect?’ while I was introduced to him, and instead of being cool or sweet, or like someone a person would want to talk to - I blabbered on about some snowboarders who had a TV show that this person had never heard of, and I realized in the walking away from that person as a blush rose to my cheeks and my hands shook just enough to let me know that deep down I wanted to cry from my anxiety, that I was just too fucking weird for people, and not just that person, but maybe all people. These same type of ‘outer body’ or anxiety induced conversations and moments just kept happening over and over so I started focus in and realize I was the common denominator and that I must be the cause to my inability to relate to people or not be so fucking weird that I could practically feel their eyes rolling at me while I spoke to them. Clearly, I didn’t become a ghost because of any of these specific moments, but probably due to all of these moments all swirled together with so many others, and also due to my brain makeup and what I imagine is some missed diagnosis from childhood that today would for sure have me on the spectrum. Which, for the record, I’m completely okay with being on. Actually sometimes I think it would give me some kind of ease that maybe I’m not as ‘crazy’ or ‘out there’ as I’ve compared myself to be when I look at other peoples lives of my age. There’s no shame in thinking differently and having to work out how you do think so other people who don’t think the same can sort of understand. So please don’t take that as a cruel joke, or something to be angry at. It’s just me recognizing that people can be different, and sometimes they don’t know the reason for it because they were never seen properly.
So, I’m not exactly sure of the day I became a ghost - fuck, maybe it wasn’t one of those moments or days specifically, but a lot of days, weeks, or months; full of falling further from who I’d been at seventeen, even twenty-one, or twenty-three, or who I even thought I would be by thirty, that made me disappear from myself one day and just become this person who just existed in the world day to day, but wasn’t actually living. I ate sometimes when I wasn’t trying to disappear fully so clothes would fit me better or boys might think I was beautiful, I laughed when I was supposed to, went on dates like I was trying, got up and went to work like I was supposed to, read a book here and there, binged watched TV shows to have conversations and social interactions with people like normal people do, and tried to convince myself that this was what living was, I guess. Between all of these day to day things and smoking myself to sleep, crushing up pills in private places and snorting them through straws, or dabbling - to put it lightly and politically correct - into cocaine, just to pass the time and make myself feel anything most of the time, I guess vanishing became easy.
Becoming a ghost was easier.
It’s just not exactly clear to me to be able to figure out the exact date and time I fully realized I’d become a ghost. It’s not as easy as like providing an alibi for myself for one specific night, and not because my brain was so hazy and filled with anger, sadness, and drug fueled smoke and pills for most, but not all - and not all at the same time - of the years between twenty to nearly thirty, that I cannot fully recall the moment I fully realized I wasn’t who I remembered myself wanting to be, but really because I think it happened slowly at first, somewhere in between being lonely, living in a place that I kind of had a hard time fitting into, not in terms of the weather or nature, but in making a friend or two or feeling like I wasn’t so... annoying-to-people-based-on-reality-shows New Jersey in a non-New Jersey place, and even if maybe it didn’t fully seem that way to other people, trying to finish school and not feel so old being basically a junior at like twenty-three when every other person I knew had already graduated and was moving to the next levels of their lives - whatever those were - while I was working as many hours as I could to just pay the rent, trying to make a friend in any place - which is really hard for me if I’m being honest. To cut it down to brass tax, I think I’m socially awkward and full of so much anxiety that I either shy away and appear unapproachable, or I let people in too quickly and my heart gets broken by them when I realize I probably care too much for them than they do for me.
I think I’m just afraid of disappointing people. So instead I just disappoint myself.
I let people leave me because it’s easier. Why make them stay when they don’t want to? Why hope they’ll call first when they won’t? Why hope they’ll love me back the way I would have loved them?
It’s easier to let them go on and be happy and just... disappear.
It’s why I think I let myself slowly start to slip away from who I had been my whole life. Some girl who was hoping for the ‘happy ending’ the ‘good things to come,’ as embarrassing as those things can sound for a person to imagine, the successful life that I sadly felt I would achieve with the promises of getting an education and working hard, but instead was just always left outside of the winners circle. Not that anyone wins in any of this, but you know what I mean. The truth is, in life - from what I’ve come to understand - there are just people who lose less often than other people. I just got tired of losing, and feeling like I was losing all the time. I got tired of making it to my twenties and feeling like I was never going to be the girl who would ever become anything or the one that anyone ever actually wanted back. Sure, I had ‘romantic entanglements,’ if you could call them that, crushes, and drunken kisses, but nothing that it felt like everyone else was so easily able to get. Boyfriends, flowers on a date night, fucking date nights in general, a birthday party thrown for them; not one they had to put together themselves and hope at least five people would come. The things one may think matters, but don’t - not in the grand scheme of anything that actually does really matter to the world - but these things still add up as years go by, and as I kept getting older and older and it felt like everyone I knew had this laundry list of relationships and ex’s and I was just kind of aware of how... no one has ever asked me out properly on a date or reached over to hold my hand in a crowded room. Or knew the thing I wanted to laugh about in public without me even have to say it. Those stupid wishful, movie, dream life, fantasy land bullshit things that everyone tells you aren’t real outside of movies, but I just didn’t fully believe because I’d seen my own friends make eye contact with someone they loved across a room and I’d seen that feeling occur in real time. Maybe it wasn’t in a movie script ending kind of way, but it still happened. Small and simple, but it still did happen, and it was probably more beautiful than Hollywood could even fathom or conjure up.
And once I started to kind of realize that this kept occurring to people around me all of the time I just started to think that I was invisible. And soon after I came to realize I was.
And it isn’t just the relationships that make you feel invisible, it’s the other things everyone around me seemed to be doing or achieving that makes me feel sort of ‘less than.’ People getting - what seems like to a twenty-something - a big fancy office job out of college, or buying a house, travelling with a group of friends multiple times a year. Fuck, even just having a group of friends, that was actually amazing to me after like twenty-one. I could honestly walk through a store, or down a street and I’m not sure one person may have even noticed if I was there - or if I wasn’t. Even if I did daily routine items like where I bought my coffee or the days I shopped at a grocery store, or when I went for walks or not, I’m not sure if people would notice when I didn’t, or if I ever even did. Even when I was working in the office I got fired from, and commuting day to day, I’m not sure any one on that bus would be able to pick me out a line up even if I took the same 6:50 everyday. Hell, I’m not sure people who I worked with and spoke to would even notice if I wasn’t there. And when I would wash my hands in the bathroom and the automated sensor wouldn’t even recognize me, I really started to wonder if I wasn’t actually a ghost after all.
And day in and day out, month in and month out, year in and year out, all of it just started to add up. All the good things that were happening for everyone else - which was something I truly was happy for, despite how fake that sounds typing, like I’m trying to make myself sound like a decent human in hopes someone won’t just think I’m being whiny or jealous, I really was happy for them because I think a person - even some of the worst ones - does really want the people they know and care about to be happy; even if that happiness is seemingly impossible to hold for themselves. Regardless, deep in my heart I know that I was happy for them getting all of their desires, I was just sad I wasn’t getting my own ‘good things,’ or desires. And I felt like I had nothing to talk with people about. Like when I came to their table I was just... the person they knew who wasn’t progressing on any kind of timeline; even my own.
I started to feel ashamed about it. Embarrassed and stuttery about any kind of topic any one might speak to me about. So I sort of just stopped going to people’s tables. I didn’t want to see them look at me out of the corner of their eyes with pity as the thirty-something year old who had no direction, no love life, no career type job, and had not created or accomplished anything; at all.
And in the meantime, in trying not to fail, or having something to speak about that I felt I’d done a good job on or created, It felt like any kind of outlet that I tried to create to promote my own dreams or wishes just kept never hitting the mark. Trying to make a clothing line? Fail. Like even having one of these Tumblr’s years ago for my writing, anything I actually did write was pointless; or at least felt that way. Any story I’d completed, I wished were different or more original. I just kept feeling like other people had done the ‘path’ correct and they were all getting their foot in the door at the right times, and I was just... behind. My lack of being able to commit to a major at school, or even get an office job or internship doing something basic and day to day just didn’t appeal to me. Not in a way that made me excited for the next thirty years of my life, especially because that’s what I always thought being an adult was. Finding a place to work that allowed you to build a career, and just getting through that until you were able to retire.
I guess I didn’t really think much about the joy in any of it, or what adulthood really held for me that didn’t seem so mundane and boring. Like just something you had to do and there was nothing super exciting about it. By the time I made it to like twenty I kind of realized dreams I’d had since I was younger were already out of question. I was clearly never going to be that Olympic Gymnastic’s Champion I thought I would at eight - which even as I type this I want to laugh at how farfetched that dream even feels to remember - and the odds of me becoming Georgia O’Keefe, who I dressed up as for a 4th grade biography day - felt impossible, especially since my desire to possibly go to art school after college were kind of laughed off by my family because what are the odds people make any money out of art school? Plus, she mastered flowers, it’s hard to compete with the beauty of that. And I was clearly never going to be some teen idol movie star or popstar princess. Which was also very far off dreams that I guess I recall having around 14. But I was like twenty-something now, and I’d heard myself sing, it is not good, even just speaking I have a voice most people wish they could unhear, and the most acting I’ve ever done is pretending I was just fine for most of my entire life. Even though I could feel the sadness deep in my chest and gut that felt so heavy and dark I was afraid of even admitting it was there in fear of what other people might think about me, hell, what I might think of myself.
That’s the thing I’ve learned the most about trying to pinpoint when I became a ghost, I think I always was in some way, I was just never honest with myself about feeling that way. Not until I got much older and everything got out of control, that is. It’s why I’ve always felt more comfortable in my own space and house. Where I have confidence in myself and my own little secret hiding spots for where I keep the sadness or fears of inadequacy. It’s easier to be me behind closed doors and in the stillness of my bedroom or solitude of my basement. I can be me in places where everyone isn’t watching, or it doesn’t feel like they are. Where I can’t hear them laugh about me as they pass around a group chat or some other joke I’m not privy to. Where they aren’t looking at my messy bun and unfashionable clothing and the smattering of pimples on my chin, or sad eyes and splatting of goofy childish freckles. I don’t feel so odd when I’m alone. It’s when I’m actually around people - especially people who I don’t know, or who have job titles much more important sounding than my name, or people who have travelled all over, or created something beautiful that they are proud of - that I notice how inadequate I feel in their shadows. That any small useless fact that I might know, or place I’ve travelled, and job I’ve held, feels unimportant or less.
I am also aware that a lot of these feelings are just that, feelings, and not actual facts. That these people are probably not actually feeling these things about me, but that’s the way my anxiety and depression feels. It keeps me in the basement of my own heart and mind because it feels safer. Like assuming all of these people already think those things about me will hurt less when I find out they actually do.
And that’s the part that also hurts - a lot - is when you do find out that those people feel and think those things about you. Sometimes you only find out because someone tells you, and sometimes you have to hear them making fun of you behind your back to realize it. But it hurts all the same.
And it hurt the most when I was actually actively trying to reorganize my life and try to pull myself up out of my own depression and self induced spiral, and was honestly trying; going to therapy weekly, removing myself from bad places, narrowing down my circle of people, and mostly cocooning myself from the rest of the world outside of throwing myself into a desk job and reading books on my commute to and from said job. I stopped using social media, stopped talking to a lot of people, stopped doing a lot of anything.
And still I was a joke to people. Turns out, the people I worked with were just... making fun of me without me knowing. I was trying my best to find a footing and ‘build a career at a company’ or whatever the fuck that really means, and they were just laughing at how uncool I was, or terribly dressed, or the annoying voice I posses. I mean, I understand why they didn’t like me - most of the time prior I barely liked me - but it just sucked to know that even when you were trying to be an okay human, one that wasn’t fucked up all of the time and actively working on yourself two mornings a week where I cried so often about how much everyone hated me and how much of a fuck up I was, hurt so much worse than all the times when I was a teenager and felt like I didn’t fit in. When the mean girl in our neighborhood would invite all the other kids out to play manhunt, but wouldn’t include me. Or the girls in middle school wouldn’t include me because I wasn’t an A-Team soccer player or whatever other bullshit made me weird to them.
Because now I was an adult, who knew she was a ghost for so long, and when I was finally started allowing myself to be seen in any formation - people laughed. It made me wish I’d stayed hidden in my night shift jobs, basement hideouts, and in the comfort of the naps I took that were basically second nights of sleep, just with daylight shining on outside. It felt worse to realize not staying a ghost allowed people to see me, and even then they didn’t like me.
So I became a ghost, again. I cut off more people, stopped responding to others, asked some of them to stop reaching out to me, and just existed alone. I cried - a lot. In fields with my dog, who then was still a live, in parked cars outside of a job I hated, in the bathroom of that same job when I was constantly messing up and being allowed to have no responsibility, privacy, or final word on anything I did, I also cried in my bed, silently, almost every night as I stared at the ceiling fan spinning above my head and tried to transport myself to another place and time where it hurt less, I felt more secure, and maybe someone, or something, loved me back. But most of the time when I cried it was for the life I thought I was going to have, the one I realized I was mourning even though I never lived it, and crying for the other part of the person I let myself become which was a person that people at these companies, and ‘friends’ I knew in some parts of my life was a good reason for them to laugh at.
I cried a lot because I was never able to be someone, but what I think I was really crying for - and still do sometimes - is that I forget when I stopped wanting to be me.
Even the me that people in offices don’t like, or girls in middle school don’t understand. Sometimes I cried because I wished I could like that person more because at least than I’d feel like me. It’s hard to come to terms with that, hard to realize that I’m okay with not being liked by people, but it gets lonely realizing that having people in your life means all they want is for you to change. For you to fit the mold that they are okay with you being or who they would be comfortable bringing around their other friends. Someone who doesn’t laugh at the most inappropriate stuff, or snores in their sleep, or cries at commercials, whose car isn’t a mess, doesn’t hate folding laundry, knows when to call it a night at a bar one drink earlier than I do, or has a clear direction in their life and a slew of opportunities waiting for them at every corner with so many points of contact to makes those opportunities reality. Things for them to talk about at dinner parties or weddings as someone's date.
Things that people who aren’t ghosts know how to do naturally and effortlessly.
So I guess the real answer is, no, I don’t know when I actually became a ghost, if it was my whole life, or one morning when I woke up and just thought, ‘none of this is fun anymore,’ none of the getting high, or buzzed, or pretending I’m okay, or doing jobs that don’t make me happy, or never feeling the love of another human in the full ways that I wished I could, but instead tried to ignore and pretend I didn’t desire or want in my life. I’m not really sure when it all happened, I just know that I remember it all happening; slowly in random bouts of progression and over so many minutes of a life I kind of feel I’ve wasted to some extent, and hell, I’m unsure if I’ve ever really stopped fully wanting to be one. Sometimes it just feels easier to move through places and moments alone because it hurts less, somehow. Like it’s easier for everyone else if I just never get too attached to anything in fear that I’ll hurt them, or worse, they’ll break me, again. And I’m really tired of being broken by things that I may have thought were for me, but ended up not being.
And then there are the random moments where I peak out into the world around me, fully noticed by someone - in a normal everyday running of an errand kind of way - and walk away from a conversation or an event and feel a slight bit of content in my heart that I think maybe it really doesn’t hurt worse than never actually feeling anything fully. It’s an odd catch 22. Wanting to be seen, and being fearful of being seen in fear, on both ends, that you’ll end up broken somehow.
I’m unsure what any of it fully means, I guess for anyone. Do other people feel that way? Is it just a whole group of us who exist out there and feel - lost? Or scared? Or afraid to be who they actually are in fear that the life they lead now will no longer suit them or make them actually happy? And I know that this must be something people struggle with in terms of sexual orientation, but in a way, even as someone who does not struggle with that and knows I am into a certain sex, I still understand it in the sense that faking who I am feels wrong. It feels like selling out. Like I’m only living to appease other people, and I wish more times that other people were willing to live to accept other people for who they were; faults and all. Even in this cancel culture world, not everyone is good, and not everyone is bad; people can be so many things, it’s the idealization to put a label on everything that makes things harder I think. We aren’t ingredients in a candy bar for consumption, we’re people - ghosts and all - but we are all allowed to be phases of ourselves sometimes. Sometimes, you have to become what you’re not all of the time to maybe even fully realize who you are, or want to be, most of the time.
Unsure if any of that makes sense, but I think I’ll have to break it down even further. Maybe next time. In another post, where I don’t ramble on forever and come to no conclusion. This thesis would fail if I had to hand it in for a grade.
Unless of course it was a scientific experiment hypothesis; and maybe that’s all life really is - one giant cosmic experiment where the rules will forever change and the points don’t really matter. Some giant game of Whose Line is it Anyway?
From one ghost behind a computer to another reading, goodnight.
xoxo
#diary#what am i even doing#uncertanity#depression#anxiety#honesty#being a ghost#how to exist#life#am i existing#existential crisis#what is the point#cosmic joke#understanding#trying#scientific experiment#essay#essayist#too many words#clearly too much#new post#writing#art#thoughts#blog#live blogging#drugs#cleaning up#the art of giving a fuck#the art of not giving a fuck
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