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shigarakis-fifth-hand · 5 years ago

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Class of 1-A Imagine

The entire 1-A class got hit by a quirk swapping villain! It’s all randomized and I spent a bunch of time on this! Please draw what they would look like and dm me!

Lida

- He was lucky enough to get Denki’s quirk

- Didn't even notice for a few seconds

- Only realized when he couldn’t run anymore

- His engines were simply gone ~ POOF!

- It was only when he looked at his hair and saw bright yellow

- Immediately runs away as fast as his weak, human legs can take him

- When they tell him what happens, he forces Kaminari to tell him how to use it

- “I don’t know, you just... do the thing.”

- “Well what thing because on page four of using your quirk, it says that...”

- When Iida gets the hang of it, he doesn’t like to use it

- He’s terrified of hurting someone, and since he isn’t experienced, he doesn’t want to go brain-dead either

Asui

- She got Deku’s quirk

- She doesn’t like how big her arms get

- All Might immediately helps her since he doesn’t want her to break any bones

- She doesn’t fully grasp the concept and chooses not to use the quirk

- She’s seen how bad Deku can get

- She is overjoyed at something else though

- “My tongue Mina! Look at my tongue!”

- Everyone finds out Asui has a beautiful singing voice

- She’s almost sad to get her own quirk back

- But it’s okay

- She can’t hurt herself with her own quirk ~ribbit

Aoyama

- He was able to get Sero’s quirk

- “Well you didn’t hear this from me but it’s truly unfashionable.”

- “Look at me, the human tape dispenser of 1-A.”

- “Ugh, I can’t even wear my fur jacket because my elbows are too thick.”

- “Sero, how do you wear long sleeves with this thing?!”

- Aoyama doesn’t want to use the quirk, it’s just not “flowing with his vibe”

- He wears his fancy jackets for the entire month after the quirk wears off

( a picture of Bakugo trying to help Kirishima learn about molecules ^^^^)

Kirishima

- He got Momo’s quirk

- At first he’s sad, his unmanly quirk is gone for an entire week!

- But then he realizes that he can walk around shirtless for an entire week

- “It’s for my quirk!”

- He likes being able to make food in an instant, he just doesn’t like it when Aizawa insists that he know the basic molecules of certain things

- “When am I going to use this? I will never have to make an umbrella in my life!”

- He likes to stick to food, especially liking that he can make any meal better than Bakugo

- “Dude! I could solve world hunger from my abs!”

- “Woah, imagine if I could make a car from my abs.”

- “Can I make wings like Hawks?!

- When the week ends, Kirishima is kinda disappointed

- But Bakugo is happy he got his cooking buddy back

Koda

- He got Uraraka’s quirk

- He’s super excited honestly, he likes being able to fly

- “I feel like a feather.”

- Ochako is happy to be able to teach him how

- “Let’s just stay indoors. We don’t need you floating off to space.”

- Koda almost wants to go to space

- Once he learns how to use it, he uses all his time zooming around the dorms

- Once Aizawa takes them outside to train, he just floats around in the air

- Aizawa lets him

- He knows this precious baby needs some relaxation with the clouds

- He also likes the birds

- He can’t speak to them though, which is frustrating for him

- “How do you not remember me? I fed you dinner last night!”

Ojiro

- He got Tokoyami’s quirk

- One second his tail was there, the next second it was a mean looking bird

- Ojiro likes taking his bird on walks, he doesn’t really know what to do with it

- He talks to the bird sometimes, and for some reason he can understand it

- “Dark Shadow seems too emo. Let’s try Gregory.”

- The bird agrees 100%

- When Ojiro is training, Gregory is too powerful sometimes

- “How do you control your own shadow?!”

- Training sessions with Aizawa is just one big mess for Ojiro

- Nothing gets accomplished accept Ojiro talking to Thompson and Thompson trying to attack anyone who gets close

- Ojiro is so excited to get his tail back, but it sad that Tokoyami won’t take the same request

- rip Gregory

( Sato’s reaction to getting Mineta’s quirk^^ )

Sato

- Sato has Mineta’s quirk

- Sato doesn’t come out of his room for the entire week

- Everyone understands

Hagakure

- She got Sato’s quirk

- She makes a bunch of sweets as an excuse to eat all of it

- But that’s not a big deal at all to her

- She’s not invisible anymore!

- The moment she realizes that she isn’t invisible, she goes crazy

- She’s actually kind of tan

- Not only that but she’s gorgeous!

- Thick brown hair, green eyes, and she’s so skinny

- Her face alone has everyone in 1-A dropping dead

- Some of the guys can’t believe it

- They’ve chatted with this girl for months and had no idea

- She wants to ask Ojiro on a date, but what happens when the quirk wears off

- It does wear off, but nobody cares

- They always knew she was pretty, and this just confirmed it for sure

Shoji

- He got Hagakure’s quirk

- What’s not to love about being invisible?

- The strange part to him is that he can still see himself

- All of his extra arms are gone!

- That’s sad, all of his shirts were custom for those arms

- He borrows clothes from his friends

- It’s funny to see a robe and bunny slippers walking around at midnight though

Deku

- He got Todoroki’s quirk

- It’s okay though! He’s got his creepy notebook!

- Todoroki gladly give him teaching on how to use it

- “Remember, flames do damage and ice can be used to capture things.”

- Deku knows all of this from his “research”

- But that doesn’t stop them from spending everyday training together

- It’s fun... and “helpful”

- Deku loves being his own microwave and freezer

- He accidently catches things on fire from time to time

- He got scared by a movie and froze half the couch

- Todoroki kissed him and he burned half his shirt off

- “How do you control this thing?!”

Ururaka

- She got Mina’s quirk

- “Yay! I got acid hands! I got acid hands!”

- Mina makes her wear oven mitts

- She accidently burns a hole through her bed while having nightmares

- “High five! Wait... never mind.”

- “Mina, teach me how to do the thing!”

- Also let’s not forget that Ochako has pink skin, horns, and alien eyes

- “Ooh, I look so cute!”

- Ochako spends most of her time posing in front of the mirror

- “Look at my horns Kirishima!”

- “Mina, look at my eyes!”

Denki

- He got Iida’s quirk

- Whenever he runs, he ends up going sonic on people

- “Denki, take a lap!”

- “I don't think you want that Mr. Aizawa.”

- Whenever Denki tries to use Iida’s quirk, it’s always a quick fail

- So far Denki has taken out a trash can, Present Mic, tripped on a basketball, run into a tree, faceplant into dirt, and accidently swallow a bug

- The worst part is that Denki sleep walks

- Running into stuff, tripping over a potted plant, falling down a flight of stairs

- “This is better than being brain dead I guess.”

- Denki spends most of his time making fun of Iida by waving his arms like a robot and trying on multiple pairs of glasses at once

- Iida demands that Kaminari trains

- “Kaminari, you will read all of these books on how to operate engine legs or else!”

- Kaminari must admit the engine legs are cool

- Except when Kirishima put hot dogs in them

- The entire class room smelled like burnt meat

Jiro

- “Cool! I look like a frog!”

- She got Asui’s quirk

- Her hair turned green, her tongue grew, and her pupils dialated

- “Asui, look at this!”

- She uses her tongue to swing off the dusty chandelier when Iida isn’t looking

- “Ew! They should make tongue condoms!”

- Jiro and Ochako have a blast teasing Mina and Asui

- “Ribbit bitch! Your frog queen has arrived!”

- Denki gets Jiro a crown to wear around the dorms

- Ochako buys the four girls frog onesies

- “So kawaii!”

- Jiro never was into swimming until now

- She likes that her fingers don’t get wrinkly

Sero

- He got Ojiro’s quirk

- “Dude, look at my tail!”

- Bakugo makes fun of his “backwards dick”

- It’s funny, but not that funny

- In return Sero whips him with it

- “I feel like a monkey!”

- Sero hangs from everything he can

- “This thing has more muscles than I do!”

- He goes to a playground nearby with Denki and swings off the monkey bars

Tokayami

- He got Koda’s quirk

- “I’ve never been much about nature. Too much light, not enough darkness.”

- Bakugo jokes that he can finally talk to his pigeon brothers

- “Dude! The birds love you!”

- And everyone is right

- As soon as Tokoyami walks outside, a pigeon lands on his head

- “Why did that pigeon just speak to me?!”

- Tokoyami is scared of the outside now

- “I can hear their voices still!”

- Tokoyami has a panic attack over being able to hear the animal voices

- “Why do ants sound so manly?”

Todoroki

- He got Bakugo’s quirk

- “I’m not asking that bastard for help.”

- Instead, he goes to Deku for training

- “Deku, you have that stalker notebook still?”

- Bakugo’s quirk is like his own quirk

- “Seriosuly? Just heat?”

- “Kind of basic if you ask me.”

- Once Bakugo hears that, he goes beserk

- “Icyhot!”

- “Oh no no, you can’t call me that anymore.”

- Todoroki likes propelling himself in the air with explosions

- Bakugo’s quirk is too loud, like his personality

- He doesn’t like using the quirk honestly

- “It's not very good, very violent, and I don’t like getting sweaty.”

Bakugo

- He got Kirishima’s quirk

- “Yea bro, you can get hard too now!”

- Mina tries to stop him from saying that

- Poor bby doesn't understand

- Kirishima tries to help, but Bakugo is having no part in that

- “How difficult can your quirk be Shitty Hair?”

- It isn’t easy though, especially when Bakugo is forced to be shirtless.

- He’s used to his hero outfit covering his chest

- Bby is a little self conscious

- The best part is that he doesn’t sweat that much

- “Fuck yea! I don’t smell like fucking cinnamon and caramel!”

- Bakugo does miss his explosions and hand grenades

- Your quirk is too boring Kirishima, and it’s not loud at all

Momo

- She got Aoyama’s quirk

- Her immediate reaction is to read a bunch

- “Aoyama! Wait up, I have so many questions!”

- Next though, she has fun with it

- “It’s so pretty!”

- Along the way her and Aoyama become friends

- He brings her pain releivers to help with the stomach pains

- “It sucks but at least it’s pretty.”

Mina

- She got Jiro’s quirk!

- Immediately her skin isn’t pink, her horns are gone, and her eyes turn bright blue

- She’s still as spunky as ever though

- “Dude! Imagine all the hot gossip I can listen to!”

- Mina tries the teacher’s lounge with Asui and Ochako, only to hear Aizawa and Present Mic planning a date night

- “We should totally go as well!” Mina offers

- They go on all sorts of “spy missions”

- Mina also likes being able to tan with Momo from time to time

- She does miss her horns though

- She realizes quickly that Jiro’s earphone jacks are also Bluetooth

- Jiro just never told anyone before

- When Mina gets her quirk back, she is so happy to look “normal” again

Omg this took all day! Please comment down below your favorite combo and if I should do another one! Love you all! Stay safe! <3333

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missn11 · 5 years ago

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The Motives and Goals of Ming Xiao

One of the things I’ve had a hard time with when writing Ming Xiao is understanding her motives and goals for taking over LA. Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines doesn’t do a great job of explaining Ming Xiao’s motives, in fact we hardly get to know her very well at all compared to some of the other main faction leaders such as Sebastian LaCroix or Nines Rodriguez, which is a shame, as without Ming Xiao’s role in the game things in the story wouldn’t be the same. LaCroix is motivated to get the Ankaran sarcophagus in order to diablerize the supposed Ancient Kindred inside and thus finally gain the power to make LA truly his. Nines’ motive is to rid LA of the Camarilla, Sabbat and Kuei-jin, so the city can truly go back to being the Anarch Free State it was meant to be. Whilst Ming Xiao is shown to be a ruthless, powerful and untrustworthy woman, we still don’t get to perceive her motives and goals, as Troika either ran out of time and had to cut some things out or, more depressingly, didn’t think too much about it. But perhaps the answers can found in the World of Darkness source books?

So, let’s ask some questions.

What is Ming Xiao’s Dharma?

Why did Ming Xiao bring her followers all the way from presumably China to Los Angeles?

Why did Ming Xiao revive the Tong, if her role is to serve the people of Chinatown?

Why did Ming Xiao agree to an alliance with Prince Sebastian LaCroix, her enemy?

Why did Ming Xiao end up breaking off her alliance with Prince Sebastian LaCroix and reveal the truth of who murdered Grout and the framing of Nines Rodriguez?

And Why did Ming Xiao betray the player character in the Kuei-jin ending?

What is Ming Xiao’s Dharma?

While Ming Xiao’s Dharma is never stated on the Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines wiki, Ming Xiao’s Dharma is suspected to be the Song of Shadow, nicknamed Bone Flowers and, for a time, I thought so too. But that was before I got The Kindred of the East source book. Having read that book, I now disagree with the assessment that Ming Xiao is a Bone Flower, instead, I would argue that she fits more aptly The Way of the Resplendant Crane.

Disciples of the Way of the Resplendant Crane, in the long and short of it, know they died drenched in sin and see the world which they know as the Middle Kingdom suffering because of imperfection. They believe that if the world had better and more enlightened leaders, then it would be a better place. It’s often seen as a path of redemption. Those Kuei-jin brought back through the Second Breath recognize they were shameful in life and now seek to redeem themselves by helping save the Middle Kingdom from itself and preventing the Sixth Age, the coming of which they do not consider to be set in stone. By preventing the Sixth Age, the cycle could be brought back to the Age of Heaven. As with most things in the World of Darkness, not every one of the Resplendant Cranes are on the same page and there are different views on how to save the Middle Kingdom. For example, the Shining Ice Guardians, to quote directly from the source material, Kindred of the East:

Shining Ice Guardians recognize that the entire world cannot be saved. Things have gone too far out of balance; dead wood will have to be cut away. Most sages set their hopes on the redemption of the Golden Fields — of the Eastern lands and their peoples. The misery in the Orient has been caused by foreign invaders, from the Mongols to the Americans. These invaders carry disease like plague-dogs, and their sickness must be purged. If that requires a blood-cleansing, so be it. Heaven will deal with the dogs in its own way; the Kuei-jin have been sent back to make the Golden Fields pure again.

And the reason, I believe Ming Xiao is a Resplendant Crane, possibly of the Shining Ice Guardians’ path, is the fact that her goal is to kill or drive out the Kindred presence in Los Angeles. When the Malkavian Player mentions the Yama Kings and the coming of the Demon Emperor, Ming Xiao defiantly states that the Sixth Age has not yet come and quickly changes the subject. The Sixth Age to some older Kuei-jin is inevitable and cannot be stopped or changed no matter what. But as I have stated before, the Resplendant Cranes, do not believe that the Age of Sorrow is unavoidable and therefore it can be prevented.

The other reason I believe Ming Xiao to be a Resplendant Crane is based on her actions with regard to the Ankaran sarcophagus. Instead of opening it or using it for her own ends, Ming Xiao, in the Kuei-jin ending, personally oversees the sarcophagus being thrown into the Ocean, to sink deep-down to the bottom of the sea. Too bad she doesn’t realise that the sarcophagus wasn’t the real reason the city is awash with dread but rather the fact that Cain is driving around LA as a cabby! XD She also manages to get the key to the Ankaran sarcophagus immediately, to prevent some fool, i.e LaCroix for example, from opening it, possibly wreaking havoc and bringing about the Age of Sorrow.

Of course, I could be wrong, and I do welcome anyone discussing with me why they might disagree with my assessment of Ming Xiao’s Dharma or pointing to any info the writers of VTMB might have said on the subject.

Why did Ming Xiao bring her followers all the way from presumably China to Los Angeles?

Well, the reason Kuei-jin are even moving to the West to conquer Kindred territory is in the source material White Wolf provided. Long story short, it is to avenge the many humiliations Asia suffered through western colonialism, and it’s possible that many Kuei-jin, especially those of The Way of the Resplendant Crane blame the western Kindred for the ills of the world. Some might even think that the elimination of the Kindred and other western supernatural creatures is a way to prevent the Sixth Age or, as it’s better known in Kuei-jin culture, the Age of Sorrow. Kindred might equate the of Age of Sorrow to Gehenna, however there are more Ages after the Sixth Age on the Wheel of Ages.

The Great Leap Outward, which is what this event is called, started on January 1st, 1998. However, not every Kuei-jin was on board and the project has faced much criticism, many saying that it’s a waste of resources and time and that it’s not the duty of the Kuei-jin to kill foreign supernatural creatures. The Sixth Age at the time of VTMB’s release was drawing near. If you want to read more of the history of the Great Leap Outward, it can be found on the White Wolf Wiki or in the original VTM and Kuei-jin source books.

Now with that brief little history lesson out of the way, let’s answer the question of why Ming Xiao is here in Los Angeles. As I have said in the previous discussion with regard to Ming Xiao’s Dharma, I personally believe that like many Kuei-jin coming to America, her motive is to save the Middle Kingdom and prevent the Sixth Age, and taking over Los Angeles is her doing her bit towards that end.

Another thing we have to consider is that when Ming Xiao first arrived in LA in 2001 to take over the domain from the previous Ancestor, Monkey Trip Wu who had vanished, I very much doubt she was impressed with what the Anarchs had done with the city. At the time the crime rate was high so she probably saw the Anarch Free States as nothing more than childish gangland games and considered they were wasting the opportunity their new unlives had given them.

Why did Ming Xiao revive the Tong, if her role is to serve the people of Chinatown?

Well, we have an idea of the possible motivation Ming Xiao has and in theory it is a noble one. She wants to save the world from doom and if she has to spill the blood of the western supernatural creatures to accomplish it, then fair enough. But why fund the Tong, since their presence is causing harm to the people of Chinatown, her charges? We have to remember Ming Xiao is also a ruthless woman and may have the belief that the ends justify the means, no matter how much damage is done to the people of Chinatown. After all, once the Kindred are out of the city, she can make it all up by dismantling the Tong. Remember Ming Xiao became an important figure to the community of Chinatown by funding and restoring the Temple of Golden Virtue and probably no doubt funded other local business that weren’t doing well in these modern Americacentric times.

Funding the Tong enables the Kuei-jin to have more men to help fight the Anarchs, brings more money to fund this war and possibly a constant supply of Chi through living mortal’s blood or breath provided through human trafficking. And as the Second Breath is usually given to those who die violently or with much sin, it also creates more foot soldiers to build an army to fight the Anarchs. This might be a bit of a stretch, but I think this could be the reason Ming Xiao has funded the Tong, she’s fighting a war with the Anarchs and she’ll do anything to win. Possibly the reason Ming Xiao ends up having Wong Ho and his daughter killed is that he’s becoming a thorn in the Tong’s side.

Why did Ming Xiao agree to an alliance with Prince Sebastian LaCroix, her enemy?

At the beginning of VTMB it’s been six years since the Kuei-jin first came into LA and the war between the Anarchs and the Kuei-jin has come to a standstill. Despite dealing the Anarchs many heavy blows to the point that both the Camarilla and Sabbat were able to slip into LA and claim some territory, the Kuei-jin have also taken some damage and cannot afford to be careless. And despite the supposed death of Jeremy McNeil, Nines Rodriguez’s predecessor, leader of the LA Anarchs, the Anarchs remained strong and grew their ranks everyday due to Nines Rodriguez’s leadership. So it would be prudent for Ming Xiao to rid of herself of this threat, but also, she needs the other Kindred factions off her back.

Thankfully, Ming Xiao just so happens to know a disgruntled Camarilla Prince that also wants Nines Rodriguez, the Anarchs and the Sabbat out of the way. We don’t know which one approached the other first, but Sebastian LaCroix must have heard of one of the Kuei-jin’s powers to be able to turn into anyone they want, which is the highest level of the Flesh Shintai discipline.

In exchange for keeping the Camarilla off the Kuei-jin’s back and the chance to get rid of Nines, Ming Xiao agrees to LaCroix’s plan to frame the Anarch leader for the murder of Alister Grout. Ming Xiao likely found out about LaCroix’s reason for wanting Grout dead through the many recordings in Grout’s mansion, despite the Malkavian Primogen not naming names. At some point there were plans to also rid LA of the ‘lesser’ factions- the Anarchs and the Sabbat but that plan probably got pushed to the wayside by LaCroix’s growing obsession with the Ankaran sarcophagus.

And why did Ming Xiao end up breaking off her alliance with Prince Sebastian LaCroix and reveal the truth of who murdered Grout and the framing of Nines Rodriguez?

By the time Ming Xiao reveals the truth to the player, she has suffered a number of setbacks; you’ve cut down the Tong’s leader and wreaked havoc on the whole organization, including the Fu Syndicate and have killed the Chang Brothers, her best agents. Plus, despite the blood hunt called on him, Nines is still at large and LaCroix has become completely obsessed with the Ankaran sarcophagus. Perhaps she fears or believes LaCroix will decide to turn on her and reveal who really murdered Grout. Everything for her is unravelling and by this point the player has proven to be an incredible ally worth having.

Ming Xiao reveals the truth to the player to make you turn against LaCroix and possibly encourage you to go and tell the Anarchs, which will lead to a war between the Anarchs and the Camarilla. However, then Ming Xiao goes and mentions that she has the key. I find her motivation for doing so on shaky ground, since it feels more like a ‘Come at me bro’ moment, which doesn’t seem the smartest thing for her to do. Or perhaps she knows that LaCroix cannot resist the opportunity to kill Nines rather than team up with him to kill the Kuei-jin together and since you’ve survived this long, surely you can handle whatever threat LaCroix will throw your way and then come crawling to her.

I can’t help but think that, like LaCroix’s later actions of a desperate man scrambling for any semblance of power, Ming Xiao’s actions at this point are of a woman losing control of the situation, thanks to the unexpected power of the player. Perhaps it was intended by the writers of VTMB for this to be the case and, unlike LaCroix, who’s barely keeping himself together, Ming Xiao is better at hiding her true emotions. The anger and rage Ming Xiao truly feels only spill out when you fight her in the other endings.

And Why did Ming Xiao betray the player character in the Kuei-jin ending?

In the Kuei-jin ending the player has successfully defeated all of LaCroix’s men and The Sheriff, showing their unusually fast rate of power gain. After all, you’ve only been a vampire for two weeks at most, who knows how powerful you’ll be in a year or two. And Ming Xiao’s plans do not include you living amongst Kuei-jin, though there have been Kindred such as Salvador Garcia, a former ally of Jeremy McNeil who joined the Kuei-jin and didn’t get screwed over, though that was back in the old WOD canon and things might be different now.

However, to Ming Xiao, you are nothing but a threat that needs to be taken care of since she thinks that Nines Rodriguez is dead, as is LaCroix. Little does she know that Nines is luckier than most… So, Ming Xiao straps the player to the Ankaran sarcophagus and dumps you and it in the ocean, perhaps believing she’s made the first step in preventing the Sixth Age.

So, in conclusion, I believe that I’ve outlined what sort of motives and goals Ming Xiao has. She’s trying to help stop the Age of Sorrow through any means necessary, no matter the cost. Again, a noble goal, but one that does not include the rest of Kindred kind.

Thank you for reading my essay on Ming Xiao’s motives and goals and I hope you found it enlightening or at the very least interesting. Any thoughts or criticism are very welcome.

#vampire the masquerade #Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines #VTMB #Ming Xiao #My writing #meta

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distressedpanda · 5 years ago

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Wild One (Daryl Dixon x OFC) Part 1

Setting: Early in the six year time jump of Season 9.

Warnings: Language, TWD blood and violence

A/N: I am planning to write this from both the OFC's point of view and Daryl's. It will be slightly out of character for him, but I am trying to catch the full spirit. I just think that if we could see inside Daryl's mind that he might actually think some of these things, he just doesn't act on them.

That's my view anyway. It doesn't have many warnings for now but that will change.

This fic will be updated every two weeks for now. Gets a read more for length. As always if you would like to be tagged just let me know.

Layla watched as the man and his dog moved around the camp by the water, setting up traps and stringing cans around the perimeter. She had been watching him for several weeks now. From her observations, she had discovered that he was a natural and gifted hunter and tracker. He had also trained the dog to be a guard of sorts, allowing him longer hours of rest.

If she was being completely honest with herself, she couldn't understand why she was still here. She had done this before, of course: observe, move on. Never stick around, never get close. The living could be far more dangerous than the dead. But something about this gruff, scruffy looking stranger, pulled her in and kept her hiding among the trees each day. A sense of familiarity drew her in like a moth to a flame, and she was beginning to fear that she would indeed get burned.

She only hunted for herself at night, or during the rare moments the man slept during the day. She hunted far enough out that her snares and traps would go unnoticed. Fishing much further down the water's edge as well.

About a week ago the dog had found her on one of these fishing trips. Climbing back up the bank, with her catch of three large bass, she stopped dead in her tracks at the snarl that was waiting for her on the bank. Cautiously she had taken one of the fish and laid it carefully on the ground at her feet. She took a few steps away, keeping her head bowed in reverence to the animal, but never breaking eye contact. The snarling stopped as the dog approached the freely offered meal, but as she prepped her remaining fish to be cooked, the dog watched her wearily as he ate.

After that, when she fished, the dog followed. He seemed to expect the meal, almost as though that was the price of him keeping her presence a secret. She had to admit she enjoyed his company, even if he wouldn't let her touch him.

Now standing on the limb, she pressed her thin frame more firmly against the side of the tree. Wearing a brown tank top, and black jeans, she knew she could easily blend into the shadows of the trees. Her wild brown waves blowing freely in the soft autumn breeze. It was still warm and even with the breeze, the autumn chill hadn't settled into the forest air during the day. She watched the man working expertly with the knife in his hand. Whittling at a long thick branch.

Daryl knew someone was watching him. He and Dog had followed the persons tracks several times, but they always seemed to vanish before he could find the person responsible for making them. They were good, he had to hand it to them. In all his years of tracking, he had never known anyone to be able to give him the slip with this consistency.

Because of this mysterious strangers presence, he had been overly cautious. Setting up more traps and alarms, to secure his camp. Unfortunately, all he seemed to be catching was the dead.

Today, he could feel them. The eyes boring into him, while he went about sharpening branches for his pits and stringing more cans. He subtly glanced around without drawing attention to the action. The stranger was much closer than usual. He could sense them.

Suddenly, he looked up through his long messy hair. “There ya are,” his voice more gravel than words.

She gasped softly, closing her eyes and hugging the tree tighter. He had been looking right at her, those piercing blue eyes had finally caught sight of there prey, and she was no longer the hunter.

Layla knew she had to get out of the area quickly, but her options where limited. Peeking back at where the man had been, she hissed, “Shit!” He was gone. She was definitely prey now.

Scaling the long thick limb she was on, she was glad she had discovered and honed her talents before the world had turned into hell on earth. Her nimble legs, balanced her perfectly as she walked from limb to limb, tree to tree. When she reached a space where the trees were further apart, she dropped down and swung between the branches. Her thick leather half finger gloves, protecting her hands and providing extra grip.

After a few minutes of swinging and walking through the trees, she decided to scale down to the ground. Running would get her much further even with her tree top skills. Sliding down the trunk of one of the thinner trees, she hit the ground running.

She could hear him now. He was close. But she had the advantage, he had been running from the start. She had yet to use the adrenaline that surged through her veins since being discovered. Kicking her legs into high gear, her feet pounded against the forest floor. Stirring up birds and disturbing a deer's grazing, she quickly realized she was gonna have to get quiet.

Stopping behind a large oak, she bent over gasping in lung fulls of air. The adrenaline rush was quickly dissipating, she probably had one more quick burst in her and then she would be done. She closed her eyes, lent back against the tree and listened. The leaves rustling in the wind, birds calling from there nests in the tree tops, the rushing water bubbling on it's stony bed, she could hear all the sounds of the forest but not him and the dog.

She grinned, fuck her if she didn't actually grin, until the bolt went through the side of her right thigh. She gasped in pain, hitting the ground like the wind had been knocked out of her. “Fuck,” she hissed, grabbing her thigh and assessing the damage. It was little more than a flesh wound, even with the bolt lodged firmly in place. Quite obviously shot to disable her and not to do any real damage. It would have been enough to do just that to anyone else.

Ripping a bandanna, from her thin backpack, she tied it tightly around the injury and bolt. She had let her guard down, thinking she had lost him. Stupid mistake, and not one she aimed to repeat. Rising to her feet she listened again, and surveyed her surroundings. She still couldn't hear him, or see him.

Braving it and gritting her teeth through the pain, she bolted in the same direction she had been heading earlier. She didn't make it ten feet, before slamming into a rock solid wall of man stepping directly into her path. Her nose filled with the scent of leather, motor oil, and cigarettes.

Daryl had timed it perfectly. The shot had been to distract her, so he could overtake and capture her. He had gotten the feeling, watching her climb and swing through the trees like a damn monkey, that she wasn't going to go down easy.

He was right, she only went down for a second. But it was long enough for him and dog to quickly move ahead of her. Positioning himself behind a tree and telling dog to lay low, he placed the crossbow at his feet against the tree and waited. He was right in her path.

The rhythmic thumb of her boots sounded out across the forest floor. He waited until she was right on top of him. Stepping from behind the tree, she slammed into his chest almost taking them both to the ground. He grabbed her bare shoulders, trying to keep them both on their feet. She was a tiny thing, but with an extremely toned frame, she hit like a linebacker.

Her fist connected with the bottom of his chin. Head snapping back, he honestly saw stars for a second. “Jesus,” he growled at her, in his gravely tone. “Wha tha fuck's that for?” He caught himself wondering what she had done before the world went to shit.

“Let me go,” she screamed. Dog barked at the pair, as Daryl grappled to keep a good hold on her. Tightening his grip on her arms, her reaction was to kick out at him with her uninjured leg.

“Calm down, ya wild woman,” he continued to growl. Using his height and strength to overpower her, he wrestled the struggling woman to the ground. She was unable to stop the cry that escaped her lips as the bolt pushed through her leg even more. Squirming and hissing below him, she reached for the knife at her hip, but Daryl was faster, grabbing the knife from her hand and tossing it in the direction of his crossbow. Having nothing else on her, she clawed at him as he struggled to keep her on the ground. Reaching for a length of rope on his belt loop, he flipped her easily so her back was facing him. Her vision blurred, as pain shot through her leg again, the bolt that was still in her leg snapping in half.

Grabbing her arms, Daryl ripped the backpack off of her and tossed it next to his crossbow. He tied her arms securely behind her back before moving off of her. Dog followed, backing up but squaring off at the woman.

Layla didn't know what to do, using every bit of strength she had, she tried desperately to get free of the man. He was just too strong, and the combined pain and continuous movement of the bolt in her leg did nothing to help. Once her hands were tied, he released her and she scrambled away from him despite her bindings and injury, breathing heavily from both the exertion and the pain. He looked at her through his shaggy hair like she was a wild animal, as she pushed herself along the ground to lean against the tree closest to her, wincing at the pain in her leg. Her head was pounding, and so was her thigh. Taking in quick unsteady gasps of air, she stared back at the man.

He now stood over her, his large bare arms folded across his broad chest, chewing on his bottom lip. Wearing a button down shirt with the sleeves ripped out, the vest with only one angel wing on the back (she had seen him wear everyday before) and loose jeans, he was very intimidating. She couldn't see his eyes, his shaggy hair falling in a masking curtain across his face. It unnerved her and set her on edge once more.

Daryl crouched down, bringing himself eye level with the girl. Placing his elbows on his knees, he pulled a blade of grass from the ground, picking at it as he spoke, “I can look at that for ya,” he stated calmly, nodding at the girl's injured leg. Half of the bolt was still protruding from her leg and every time she moved it, he could see the look of pain flash across her face. He watched the girl's eyes dart around, focusing on anything but him. “Ain't nobody gonna come save ya. Yer alone aren't ya?” he asked, not wanting to move any closer to her until she gave him permission.

She didn't answer him, instead tucking her head and looking toward the ground. It was all the answer Daryl needed. “Where's yer camp? What's yer name? How long ya been alone?” He didn't expect an answer this time, but thought if he threw enough questions at her, one might stick.

He was cut short on his interrogation, when Dog turned and whined at him and then barked. It was time to get back to camp. “We gotta move now,” he grumbled at the girl, but she made no move to stand. Dog barked again, “Come on girl, Dog says it's time to go.”

She looked at him then, “You named him, Dog?” she asked incredulously.

He scoffed at her, amused that that was what made her break her silence. He offered his hand, “What else ya gonna name a dog? Do you need help up?"

Layla huffed, blowing her wild hair out of her face, “Yeah, I guess.”

He grabbed her elbow and helped her rise to her feet. Releasing her only long enough to sling the crossbow and her pack over his shoulder, and collect the knife tucking it into his belt. Then he grasped her elbow again and began guiding her back to his camp.

Layla ripped her arm from his grasp, “I can walk on my own,” she snarled, cutting her eyes at her captor. Even as new pain shot through her leg, she was just stubborn enough to not accept any help. She would do this on her own.

Daryl huffed and inwardly cursed himself. Why was he trying to help this girl anyway? He rolled his shoulders awkwardly, and scratched at the stubble on his chin. “Look ya either move at my speed, or I am carryin ya, whether ya want me to or not."

She glared back at him, “Who says I have to follow you?” she hissed, through grit teeth. She was trying desperately to mask her pain with anger. She just hoped he couldn't see through it.

Daryl squared off at her, “Ya see anyone else here?” he questioned firmly, his hands forming fists at his sides. He stepped into her space, crowding her and inwardly chuckling as she stood her ground. Dog whined again, and growled low in his throat, bringing Daryl back to reality. “And if we don't move now, you die. I ain't risking my life for ya.”

Layla squared her shoulders against the man and the pain, “Then what are you waiting for?” she sneered at him.

He stepped back and blinked, then turned with a low whistle to Dog and headed back to the camp. He glanced over his shoulder momentarily, she was following him. Her limp was pronounced, but she was keeping up with him so he kept going.

Every step she took was excruciating. The bolt moved, and wormed it's way around the wound. Blood now coated her pants leg despite the bandanna tourniquet and she was felling the effects of the blood loss. But she would not ask for help.

Daryl, kept glancing back every few feet. The woman was going to pass out, it was just a matter of time. She was already turning a ghostly pale, sweat peppering her brow from pain and blood loss. It might have just been a disabling shot, but the bolt had still done enough damage that she really needed to get off her feet.

He almost felt bad for her. He hadn't intended to hurt her, he just wanted to know why she was following him. She was weaving now, stumbling as she kept up with his demanding pace. He slowed slightly, letting her catch up to him, so she was walking right beside him within arms reach. They were close to the camp now. If she could make it there, he would force her to let him take care of the wound.

Layla could feel the fatigue creeping in, blurring her vision and causing her feet to stumble. Her breathing becoming more labored as she fought for each step. They were so close now. She knew these woods from her time spent here, too much time. She wasn't going to make it, the blur was turning black as she began to move slower, wobbling. A desperate small cry escaped her lips. “Help,” then everything went black, as the ground rose to meet her.

#daryl dixon #daryl dixon x ofc #fanfiction

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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

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Single Riders (Extra)

youtube

Would you look at that guys? I lasted four whole days from the ending of Single Riders Won’t Stay Single before adding just a tiny, itty bitty bit because I saw this adorable video online. So here you go! This is the story that never ends.

ICYMI Single Riders Won’t Stay Single | Here | and | Here |

Emma had to travel to Portland for a case last week. She had stopped taking out of town cases to stay closer to home and to the kids, but this case paid well and wouldn’t take long. Turns out, it took an entire week to find the estranged husband of Mr. Brooks, and she desperately wanted to get home to her family. They didn’t even really need this money, but she could take smaller cases closer to home for the next few months because of it.

When she finally pulls into the driveway Saturday morning, all of the fallen leaves of golds and reds carefully pushed to the side so that they cover the grass instead of the concrete and not a toy in the front yard to be seen, she knows that Killian has somehow managed to do all of his regular yard maintenance even with work and the two monkeys on his back. Thank goodness for Declan being in kindergarten (not that she’s not still upset about her baby going to school everyday) so that they only had to find somewhere for Hope to go during the day. She knows one day Killian couldn’t get one of their normal babysitters, so Hope sat with Killian in one of his lectures and managed to draw on Killian’s projector with permanent marker. The entire class apparently lost it at Killian having to write on the chalk boards instead of using the computer.

She wouldn’t be surprised if all of the sidewalk chalk in the house had been thrown out after that.

Emma unlocks the front door and walks into the house, shedding her jacket and her hat and dropping her bag in the foyer before making her way into the kitchen to find Declan sitting at the kitchen table, funnily enough, drawing with markers. Luckily, it’s in his coloring book and not on Harvard school property.

It looks like Killian has combed his hair over for the day, and what the hell was her husband thinking? Declan looks exactly like Killian with his blue eyes and unruly black hair, tiny eyebrows always moving around when he’s trying to articulate something, and just like Killian, that unruly hair should neverbe slicked down.

“Hey, baby,” Emma greets when Declan doesn’t notice her come in at first, and his head whips around to see her, blue eyes widening before he grins, one of his front teeth missing from where he lost his first tooth two weeks ago.

“Mommy,” Declan squeals, dropping his markers and scrambling out of his chair so fast that Emma barely has time to squat down and catch her son’s embrace, his tiny arms wrapping around her while she kisses the top of his head. He’s her first baby, and he’s growing up far too fast so she savors every time he’s excited to see her when she comes home.

He may look just like Killian, but he’s his momma’s boy, something she took pride in until Hope became attached to Killian at the hip. Then she finally understood what it was like to be the parent a kid doesn’t favor, and she’s not too found of that.

“Hi, buddy,” Emma repeats when she pulls back from Declan, picking him up and resting him on her hip, his scrawny little legs digging into her side. “Did you miss me?”

He stretches his arms out as far as he can. “This much. You were gone forever.”

“I know,” she laughs, kissing his cheek again because while being able to sleep in without interruptions is wonderful, she missed her family. She didn’t have one for so long, and she doesn’t like to leave the one she’s created with Killian, even if it’s only for six days. “Did Daddy take care of you?”

“He cooked something new every night,” Declan nods enthusiastically before rubbing his belly. “It was weird.”

Her five-year-old basically just pointed out the fact that she doesn’t cook often, and when she does, they eat spaghetti for three days in a row, but mostly she’s focusing on the fact that Killian probably cooked some fantastic food while she was gone and there’s probably leftovers in the fridge. She’s starving.

“So where are Daddy and Hope?”

“Watching TV.”

“You didn’t want to watch with them?”

Declan shakes his head before squirming out of her arms so that she has to put him on the ground. “It was Bubble Guppies and not Paw Patrol or something cool.”

Emma laughs before ruffling Declan’s hair and making her way back into the hallway so that she can see her other babies. They’re in the living room, but they’re most definitely not watching television. Well, something is on the television, but it’s what seems to be a video of a simulation rollercoaster, and what the hell has she just walked home to?

When she peers over the couch, it’s to Killian on the floor, a laundry basket with Hope inside propped up on his knees, and he’s simulating the ride so that Hope is shifting back and forth and forward and backwards, her high-pitched giggles echoing throughout the room while Killian narrates her ride using his story-teller voice, fake screaming every time they go downhill.

Neither of them have seen her yet, and she’s really been in the house for ten minutes for her husband to not even notice that she’s home after a week. She’s going to have to tease him about that later…you know, after she’s jumped his bones once the kids are asleep.

“So this is my welcoming committee,” she teases, causing both Killian and Hope to stop what they were doing to look at her, a smile blooming on Killian’s face while Hope turns back to the television and tells her dad to keep going. Killian simply shrugs his shoulders and finishes their “ride” before pulling Hope out of the basket and making his way over to Emma, placing a sloppy kiss on her lips with Hope in between them.

“Hi,” Killian greets, handing Hope over to Emma when he pulls back, “I’m sorry that we didn’t hear you come in. We were busy on our ride.”

“Daddy let me ride a rowercoaster.”

“Did he?” Emma questions, looking down at her daughter before giving her forehead a kiss in the same way she gave Declan one earlier before looking at Killian and raising her eyebrows. “Daddy is going to give Mommy a ride later.”

“You’re too big for a ride, Mommy.”

“No, that’s daddy.”

Her eyes snap back to Killian, who is waggling his eyebrows and smirking at her, and one day they’re going to have to stop making thinly-veiled dirty jokes in front of their kids.

“Stop,” she mouths before leaning back in to kiss him again, murmuring an I love youagainst his lips which he happily returns. “Let’s go see your brother so you guys can tell me all about how much you’ve missed me with only your daddy here.”

“Daddy is the best,” Declan yells from the kitchen, and she just has to roll her eyes because their daddy is the best, even if she thinks she deserves a little recognition, too.

That recognition comes later when she and Killian get their kids in bed, both of them requesting a story from her and telling her they love her before drifting off to sleep, and maybe her kids do love her just as much as they love their dad.

“I both love and hate that you’re their favorite,” she tells Killian as she brushes her teeth, the minty paste foaming in her mouth.

“Please,” Killian groans before wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing the side of her neck, and wow, she’s missed that. She’s missed him. “You know that Declan prefers you, but both of them had meltdowns for the first three nights that you were gone. Hope literally cried herself to sleep.”

“Really?” Emma questions, rinsing her mouth before turning in Killian’s arms so that her back is pressed up against sink. “She did?”

“Aye,” he confirms, “and I hope you realize that you just smiled at our daughter crying herself to sleep over you being gone.”

“I know, I know,” Emma placates before standing on her toes and wrapping her arms around Killian’s neck, “but sometimes it’s just nice to know they do actually love me for doing more than feeding them.”

“Of course they do.” He kisses her forehead before hooking his arms under her thighs and trying to pick her up like he totally shouldn’t be doing anymore. “But I missed you the most.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he answers before gently placing her on the bed and dipping his head to kiss her, “our bloody three year old does not like the way I braid her hair.”

“Oh, is that the only reason you missed me? My hair braiding skills?”

“Absolutely,” he teases, kissing her again. “Now about that thing you said earlier about daddy giving you a ride.”

She laughs even as she tells him not to make the name their children call him dirty, but all thoughts of being a responsible parent fly out of her head when she does finally get that ride.

#single riders won't stay single #captain swan #cs ff #can't stop won't stop

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thewestmeetingroom · 4 years ago

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Ep. 51 – Time Is On The Line: A Conversation with Cola H.

Broadcast Feb. 27, 2021 • 57:36

SPEAKERS

Cola H., Braeden, Marco

[Intro music – “Best Intentions” by Vic Adamo]

Marco

Peace, everyone. This is Marco Adamovic aka Vic Adamo and this is a Hart House Hip Hop Education Takeover of The West Meeting Room broadcasting live on CIUT 89.5 FM. We're on Dish with One Spoon Territory in Tkaronto and grateful for the opportunity to be here. Working with our campus partners and community Hip Hop practitioners, Hart House Hip Hop Education supports values of representation, collaboration, and social justice, as we explore the key principles of Hip Hop and its importance in our everyday culture. Google Hart House Hip Hop Education to learn more. Our first podcast led us to the homie Colanthony Humphrey aka Cola. H. Cola draws outside the lines and paints his own path in music and in business. The Toronto-based multi-instrumentalist, producer and songwriter enjoys the abnormal and adds his own color to punk rock as the drummer of the OBGMs, touring exclusively as the drummer for Sonreal, and Hip Hop collaborations with Clairmont the Second and DijahSB. We talked about how he got into music, connections between Hip Hop and Punk, the Oooh Baby Gimme Mores in 2020, who he's become by the risks he has taken, some of the best and worst advice he's heard in the industry, and a whole lot more. We also put together a Cola H. playlist from the tracks he dropped in our conversation, so make sure to go check that out on Spotify. And without further ado, let's get into my conversation with trailblazer, role redefiner and master collaborator Cola H.

Marco

I am joined by the one, the only Colanthony Humphrey aka Cola H., aka world conqueror, aka

airport loiterer, game spitter, show killer. Is there anything you don't do my man?

Cola H.

Man, I don't sleep properly anymore.

Marco

Okay, well, that makes sense. Welcome, man. Welcome to the podcast. We're blessed to have

you. How are you doing?

Cola H.

You know what? I'm doing, I'm doing good. I've had a good start in the morning. Started out,

you know, kissing my baby, of course, having a little coffee, and speaking to my therapist, and

now I'm speaking to you. This is great.

Marco

That's amazing, man. Yeah, ya know, I always I always love the chance to chat with you, man

for so many reasons. First of all, I want to say congrats on the Outsah tape man, you dropped

just yesterday.

Cola H.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

Marco

Can you tell us a little bit about the tape and what the past 24 hours has been like, since you

released it?

Cola H.

Oh, for sure. Um, so Outsah is a song like Outsah, like, just the spelling of it's supposed to be

outside. But it's kind of like a little bit more of a slang to it. Joey always used to say that to us,

like when we, he would be outside of the studio because you've got to be let in if you don't have the key, right. And the whole meet me outside comment, like the whole meet me outside, you know, catch these hands outside, like for anybody that's trying to overstep. That's one of the songs that Denz wrote. Like, in fact, I'd probably say one of the yeah, one of the first songs that he wrote for the album, The Ends. And, yeah, since making it we've like, since being in the

band, basically, we've always had a little, we've had, I mean, our roots are in Hip Hop, but we

just happened to make a punk rock band. And we wanted remixes to it, so the boys asked me to help chop it up and put it together. So I produced both of those remixes. And we asked, we

asked the homies Oxymorons. They're from New York, to hop on. And they were also

putting feelers out. And we got Femdot from Chicago. What we really wanted to do was we

wanted to unite city to city, like, you know what I mean. Let you know you could catch hands

anywhere, you know. And it didn't happen, but it didn't happen in the way we tried to make it

happen. But it's all good. You know, Chicago, New York, and what like, you know what I mean? Chicago, New York, and Toronto, like are represented. And we got my little brother Clairmont the Second on the remix with Femdot as well. So, yeah, it just feels good to collab with artists that you respect and that you dig. So especially when it comes out like this tape, you know?

Marco

I want to start at the beginning with you and I want like, I want to understand how you came to

music, when you started making music, and if you can just kind of take us back and let us

know kind of how you started your journey.

Cola H.

Alright, no doubt. Uh well long long ago - No I’m just joking. But my dad is a musician, and we

grew up in the church, like most Black families, especially here in Toronto, or like pretty much

anywhere in the States. So I grew up watching my dad sing and play piano and be, you know,

the choir director. And I remember, I must have been like three or four years old, and I hopped

on the drums, because I saw drummers before that and I was like, I know I can do that. And lo

and behold, I did it. My dad bought me a kiddie drum set, and I never looked back. And I've

been involved with music ever since. Mainly, you know, my formative years, I was playing in

church all the way up until like, I'd probably say, last year before the pandemic, I was playing in

church, whether it be drums or keys, which I learned a lot later in my teens. But that's how I

started my musical journey. My first paid gig that ever came to me, I was I was working at a

community health center. But my boss at the time, La Bomba, Paula Gonzalez, she was

throwing a show because she's actually known as a not only a graffiti writer, but as a bassist.

And she needed to put a band together. And she hired me and Denz for keyboards and

guitars, and that was our first paid gig ever. And I think I was, I think I was maybe 15 years old.

Yeah. And that's, that was my intro into like, being a professional musician.

Marco

So first of all, you and Denz go way back.

Cola H.

Oh, yeah.

Marco

Denz is a co-founder, right? You guys are co-founders of the OBGMs?

Cola H.

Yeah, I’d even credit him even more so than that. Like I basically say, it's the brainchild. Like

The Oooh Baby Gimme Mores, The OBGMs, that's the brainchild of Denz's. And I was right

there. Originally, we were trying to be like The Neptunes, right, like a production duo. But

we wanted to do something different. Because at that time, everybody and their mom was

rapping, like, you know, like its, like grandmas are rapping and this person rapping and that

person rapping. And like I'll even go as far as to say as we were still elite, like in terms of skill in the rap world, in terms of the people that we were up against. But it was just kind of like, what's a better way to gain attention in that way - Like, you know, you know, what, what was the Neptunes? The Neptunes was a band. They were N.E.R.D.. And that's what we did, we created a band, we leaned a lot harder, like we leaned a lot more into the harder side. And yeah, me and Denz started out as a two piece.

Marco

How did you come to developing that rougher sound, that more distorted sound, that more

intense, aggressive sound?

Cola H.

Yeah, that's a great question. So I think it's a number of things. So Denz wanted to introduce

me to Rock and Roll. And at that time, like, you know, living in York Square, like in Toronto,

which was like, very, very hood at that point. Like, you know, and you’d kind of get jumped, like

really in any hood, like at that time, you would get jumped if you were listening to rock music,

right? Like, and I feel like the only acceptable ones were like Billy Talent and Nirvana with

Smells Like Teen Spirit. Those were the only like two bands that were kind of accepted in the

rap world at the time with the people that we were around. So anyway, you know, Denz was

listening to all this stuff. I'd say a deeper catalog of rock. Like, you know, he introduced me to

the Arctic Monkeys, which like, they were hard as fuck at the time, excuse my language. And

then like DFA 1979. And like, the whole reason I got into Hip Hop was because of the danger.

Right? So like, I just began to start leaning into like, you know, even harder stuff. Like, you

know, So for an example. You know, Nirvana's In Utero is like probably one of their biggest

albums. But I was into Bleach more, just because it sounded rougher around the edges - it

sounded more dangerous. Like it was you know - and danger is kind of like the reason why I

leaned so far into like punk rock and rap in the first place, right. Like, and that's probably due

to the fact that I was raised in the church, a relatively conservative family. Like maybe trying

to separate myself from that is exactly what got me into the danger in music in the first

place, you know.

Marco

Favourite track on Bleach?

Cola H.

Man, like probably No Recess, man. That shit is [sings Noooo Recess!] It's so good. It's so

good. But, but there's so, there's so many good ones right? Like, with Nirvana you kind of can't

miss. Like you can literally touch any track and people will completely understand why you love

it. You know what I mean? But that's, that's probably my favorite track. Like, without a doubt I

was singing it just in the car the other day. I was blasting my stereo to 100 like, Oh, it's a mess

when I’m in my car, just enjoying tunes. Yeah, man

Marco

You know, I've seen you. I've seen you guys live a number of times. I remember actually the

first I saw you live was a, I forget, it was a bar on college. And that was when I

first saw the infamous mosh pit that y'all used to fuck with.

Cola H.

Yeah.

Marco

Where Denz would just take both sides and throw them together in this mosh pit. And I was struck by the energy that you had. And, you know, listening to The Ends, I'm also seeing a lot, lot of, well you guys say, you know, it’s Nirvana shit, it’s Jimi Hendrix shit, right? And it seems like you guys leaned into that a little bit more for The Ends, which dropped last year 2020. Y'all did a live stream from Horseshoe which was dope af.

Cola H.

Thank you. Thank you.

Marco

Yeah, it was. And especially at a time in the pandemic, right. Like, just walk us through the

process of like, how you came up with it, what it means to you. And obviously, it was

received, like it made a huge splash. So yeah, just walk us through The Ends man.

Cola H.

Well, The Ends has a number of different concepts. Like, I'd say a lot of them are probably like,

emotional anger. Like, you know - so The Ends, like, the end of bad relationships. The end of

not putting music out for a number of years since our last release. Like the end of like, you

know, people trying to walk all over us. The end of like, it's a number of those very, very, very different things, right? Like, that's why it's called The Ends. And The Ends, like, if you look at the back cover of the vinyl, or the front cover of the Outsah tape, right? That's where the OBGMs was started - in The Ends, that that building that’s atop like, that's where those are, The Ends. Those are The Ends that we’re from. Like, so it's a number of different concepts rolled up into one. The process of creating The Ends, I would say it took years, and it took years for a number of reasons. A lot of those lean on Denz and that's not blame. He went through what any artist goes through. Denz, like, a lot of times, because our art is on display, essentially what you're doing is you're leaving yourself on display. There's a reason why lyrics to a song gets used in court and scripts to a movie doesn’t right? When you're an artist, you bare your soul, essentially. It's your pulpit. But anyway, when you bare your soul, and it's not received in the way that you want people to receive it, like, you know, especially when you've been gunning as long as – I feel like we've been making music together for like 18 years. And I feel like the band has been together for about like - me and Denz - like this band's Inception was what 2008 / 2009. So we're in our 12th and a half year. Like, you know, and when you've been gunning for that long, and people like - you're not famous yet, like or maybe not even fame - but you're not respected yet. Like, you want to step away from it because you're just like, am I even writing good songs? Right? So Denz needed that time and I, you know what, after speaking countless

conversations about it with him, like I understand. I understand that he needed that time. That

time is very, very valuable. And then when he was back, we are back writing and we got

Dave Schiffman involved who's behind like countless records that the world knows. I feel

like he did like three or four of the Bronx’s records. Alanis Morissette, like a lot of

people don't even know that he worked on Jagged Little Pill and like, you know, Haim. Like, It

spans all across the board. And he's from the school of Rick Rubin you know, which

immediately perked up my ears for a number of reasons, right. Like the same guy who's behind Beastie Boys and LL Cool J at the same time, like will absolutely be able to understand us, right. Like especially if you’re from that school. So we got Schiffman on board, and he came here and we recorded for about a month, a month and a half, and we got The Ends.

Marco

You dropped your first, your first EP was Interchorus back in 2009. And that was just you and

Denz, which I, which I remember actually, I actually I have the physical CD of that.

Cola H.

Wow!

Marco

It's all love man. And I was listening, obviously listening to all the records just kind of, you know, in advance of chatting with you and I think fundamentally like, there are certain things that have changed. But the fundamental sound still sort of stays there, like the grime, the danger. The only difference, I think, and you also on each album, you kind of you went from two members to four members to now down to three. And you know, you're mentioning all this sort

of change, the changes and different ways that the band has sort of has ebbed and flowed. So it sounds like the essence is still there.

Cola H.

Yeah.

Marco

But with The Ends, y’all just like, you're just unapologetic.

Cola H.

Yeah.

Marco

At this point, you are unapologetic. And I think it comes through in a big, big way. What about

this current three piece made it so that The Ends made this kind of a splash and impact in this

unapologetic way?

Cola H.

Well, I think after a while, and this solely comes with time. With time, you begin to realize that

you can spend time trying to get the attention in different sort of ways, whether it's like

somebody's like, Oh, you gotta have this type of tune, or you gotta have that type of tune. And

then I don't know, somewhere along the line you turn 30. And then you're kind of just like, yo, I

don't care what anybody says, like this is how it's going down. And this is what we're going to

do. Now, even with like the writing, I can't ever say that in the writing process certain things

have solidified, because, like, as a writer of music, I feel like that process is always going to

change. Maybe the one thing that solidifies now is the fact that we never - at least, I mean, it

remains to be seen - but I don't ever want to go a year without, I don't ever want to go a month

without writing a song. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, we could probably talk about this

later, but like leaving a corporate job solely to work on music alone, right. The professional

doesn't have the time to be like, uh, you know, I'm not really feeling the vibe right now. It's like,

when you have to crank out work, you got to crank it out. Because like, your time is on the line,

money is on the line - even more so time, time is on the line. And when time is on the line, you can't sit down. And when you work for yourself, you cannot sit down. So when it comes down to that, like I think that's probably the only thing that has solidified. And to speak to going from two members to four members to three, the big change in that is - so we split amicably, like when we went from four to three, like we still got love for Jem. It's just that Jem’s sensibilities lean more towards the pop side. And that doesn't really benefit the sound of The OGBMs. So, it was an amicable split. Te's still doing crazy, wicked stuff. Like he releases his own solo music. And he was touring with Zaki Ibrahim before the pandemic. So it's just like, yeah, we still got nothing but love for him. And to come back to The OBGMs. When things go from four to three, like, the less numbers, the easier it is to crank out because you don't have to go through a number of people to sort of, you know what I mean, complete a song. Right? Whether it's an idea that somebody likes or somebody doesn't like or whatever.

Marco

Yeah, for sure. I want to get into the transition from full time work to full time musician for a

number of reasons. But I want to, I want to stay a bit on The Ends,

particularly because you dropped The Ends in 2020.

Cola H.

Yes.

Marco

And there was a lot going on in 2020. I would call it you know, I mean, sort of more of a global

racial reckoning. Right? And I think you also dropped a new podcast. Shout out OBGMs Band

Practice.

Cola H.

Oh, thank you so much.

Marco

And So the one thing I want to talk about is the - what you call lazy comparisons - that the

industry is making when it comes to The OBGMs and to The Ends. You've been called, you’ve

been called Bad Brains. And I know you've shared the stage with Bad Brains and your sound

couldn't be any different.

Cola H.

Yeah, exactly.

Marco

So do you want to talk to us a little bit about, about what that's been like, and what insights

you've had as a result of that?

Cola H.

Um, so, yeah, it's, it's really, really tough to be, you know, a person of color in - how do I

construct this best - it's really, really tough to be Black in a majority white space that is not

ready to see, like what we do. And when they're not ready to see what we do, they instantly try

to make comparisons to other Black people. And, you know, I can't blame, you know, a casual

fan for not having the breadth of knowledge, or even the catalogue of knowledge like to

be able to compare us properly, right? I realize what we do is extremely different than what a

lot of other people do. And because of that, like, they're just trying to look for something. And we do this just commonly with a bunch of things. Like, you know, we try to make comparisons to things that we recognize so that we're able to categorize them. So that when we refer to other

people, we can, like, we know what to expect. The problem with it being journalists is you

are paid to analyze, right? You are paid to analyze, and if it's music, you're paid to analyze the

sound, right? If it's how we look like, I mean, the only comparison that we have with Living

Colour, and that we have with Bad Brains is that we're Black. Soundwise, like the fact that we

do Rock like or are in the Rock space is the only comparison that you can make. If you listen

to the music and all you can pull is Bad Brains, then that means you haven't listened to it. So

that's the problem that we have. It does, it still makes it hard, right?

Marco

What inspires you in the current moment that we're in, because I know, for example, you've

you know, the launch of The Ends, you've been hosting a lot of conversations with other

artists. You know, Denz has been doing a lot of work on hosting conversations with artists

around issues of race, around issues of social justice. And what are you finding that is inspiring

in this moment, even though that there's a lot of work still to do?

Cola H.

I think what's inspiring is the fact that I think with everybody being home, people are finally

willing to listen. For a long time, I mean, there's this great joke where it's just like, have you

heard? Like, the police are beating up Black people again. I don't know if you've paid attention

in the past 400 years to the news! Like, you know what I mean? But it just feels like within the

last year with like George Floyd and all that, like, it feels like people are finally willing to admit

that there's a problem, and that it's a big problem. And it's a problem that has existed forever.

I'd say that's inspiring. The fact that people are willing to talk. And this goes beyond just, you

know, violence against communities of color. Like it's right up to tolerance, right? Like, I mean,

it feels only yesterday that like, you know, the amount of of slurs that we would throw around,

like, you know, pertaining to different communities, that that was acceptable. And now it's not

acceptable, right? The fact that in this day and age, where even like what's known as the

casting couch mentality is being destroyed. Change is what's inspiring, right? Like, all

these different things like the you know, the Me Too movement that's inspiring all these

different things that are inspiring. It shows that like, you know, life can change for the

better. That's what's inspiring me the most. I wouldn't think that it would be any different for

Denz or Joe.

Marco

The words, you know, in that context, music is so much more important, because you

mentioned that you're putting yourself out there and you can't separate yourself. And you can't

separate the music from who you are in that instance. And I think that's another strong

connection that exists within something like The OBGMs and specifically, you know, with you

having this background and medium of both Hip Hop and punk. And so you've got these

sort of two critical forms of expression. What do those two genres or words mean to you in the

context of music being more than just entertainment?

Cola H.

It meant, like, culture. Like, I mean, we say subculture like for these things, but it's culture. Like

these are the driving forces of culture, right? And even at that, like, I feel like, at least now, as

I'm growing older, I'm realizing that it means so much more than just these two words. Like Hip

Hop is more than just like, you know, graffiti, and breakdancing, and MCing. Like, it's, it's a way

of life, right? It's like, I don't walk around saying like, Oh, this is so Hip Hop like as much as I do, like saying, yo, this is punk rock as fuck. But it's just like, it becomes a way of life, like the way how you approach certain things, right? I feel like that's what those things mean to me, right? Like going completely DIY is so punk rock. Right? Not taking no for an answer, being completely in your face is so Hip Hop. Like, it becomes the way that you breathe, the way that you walk, the way that you talk, the way you consume information, the way you exert information, right, the way you express yourself. That's what those two words have meant, and like, continue to mean and it continues to evolve as like both those genres, both of those ways of life evolve. And as my mind continues to evolve, you know.

Marco

Facts, man, facts. So, you know, there's a piece there on risk that I think, you know,

putting yourself out there, but also everything that's wrapped up in both of those. I mean, to call

them genres is to really simplify what they mean. But when you're embodying something like

that in such a way, you're taking a risk. And so I want to go back to the risk that you took when

you jumped from full-time work to full-time musician and, you know, maybe some

insights that you could offer, you know, folks listening or things that you look back on and

you're like, I'm so glad that I did this. Or just the process of learning and learning more about

yourself as you took that risk.

Cola H.

Yeah, definitely, um, the risk. So I'll never forget it. So while I was at my desk working, I got

two offers. So first of all, I just started managing my baby brother, right? Well, he's not a baby

anymore.

Marco

Shout out Clairmont the Second.

Cola H.

Yeah, Clairmont the Second, shout out to Clairmont the Second. He's not a baby anymore. He's a full grown adult now. But at the time, he was still in his teens. And we had gotten offered, we had gotten offered a publishing deal for him. And because I was sending through my own music to this publishing company, I had gotten offered a publishing deal as well. And then not only that, but at the time the band, The OBGMs, we were in talks with a record label. And things were looking very, very good. And, you know, I was speaking to my dad, and then, you know, I had some time to think. And I said, you know what, I think if there was ever a time to make a jump, if God is telling me to jump now, it's right now. So I jumped. And I handed in my two-week resignation. And I went to work on the last day of work. I went in on a Monday, which people wouldn't normally do. But I said I'm working on the 15th. That's what it's gonna be. And I was going to be proposing to my wife on the Wednesday. All in the same day, when I got home, the publishing deal fell through because there was miscommunication, which turned into a little bit of a back and forth. So, both publishing deals fell through. And the record deal fell through all on the same day, on the Monday. And on the Wednesday, I was proposing to my wife, and my now wife, and you know, at first I was a little scared. I was like, oh, what did I just do? And I went, and I spoke to a mentor of mine. And you know, he basically said, you know what, give

it a year and a half. And if you come out, and you don't have money or like, you know, the

biggest loss that you can have is going back to work and say, man, that was a crazy, it was a

crazy, like year and a half that I had. Or you can be me. And him, at the time, like, if you see his production credits, biggest pop stars in the world. I'm not even gonna mention them. But it's just like biggest pop stars in the world. So that's the advice I rolled with. And two weeks after I

proposed to my wife, she said yes, obviously. And I was in an event. I was sitting

down, like looking at this film. And I was like, you know what, I'm gonna be okay. And here I am, I'm okay. And I'm still doing my thing, even in the midst of the pandemic. I'm a full-time artist. You know? Sometimes you just got to take the risk. It's never going to happen the way you want it to happen. I think that's the biggest takeaway that I've had from this whole process. It won't happen exactly how you see it, but it can still happen if you're motivated to push it

towards happening. So here I am - Professional Artist.

Marco

No doubt man, no doubt. And yeah, kudos to you man for pushing through.

Cola H.

Thank you.

Marco

In terms of, you know, the entertainment industry, the music industry. I want to float this, float

this question to you - What's the best piece of advice you've heard someone either give you or

give someone else? And what's the worst piece of advice you've heard someone give you or

somebody else?

Cola H.

The best piece of advice that I've ever been given was at the start, from that same mentor that I

was just telling you about. He said, you know, I had sat with him a week after like, you know, a

week after I quit. And I was just like, look man, I want to figure this out. He's like here's what

you need to know: nobody in this industry knows what they're talking about. We're not talking

about like administrative like duties and stuff like that. We're talking about what's hot and

what's not. Right? The executives, they'll try to convince you that they know everything. The

record labels will try to convince you that they know everything. They know what's hot. They

know how to make a record pop. They know what's poppin’ in the streets. The truth is, is that

they don't know. They have a formula. And that's what they're concerned in making big. Nobody saw, like at the height of his popularity, no one saw Tekashi 6ix9ine coming, right. I mean like, and I'm not promoting Tekashi 6ix9ine when I say it, but they didn't see it coming. No one saw

XXXTentacion coming, you know. And even right on top of it, no one saw Chance the Rapper

when he was at his height of heights, coming. And like look what they all did. They all changed

the game in some sort of way. And like, that's, that's just the reality. But record execs, industry

professionals, including myself, will try to convince you that they know. And they don't. That's

the best piece of advice I got. The worst piece of advice that I've heard was actually just

recently. An artist manager was talking to a panel. And you know, I don't want to smack them

down too much. But basically, what they said was sometimes you just want people to listen to

you and you want them to like be wearing your merch, right? So if you have to buy a shirt at $10 and sell it at $12 and you make a $2 profit, just do it. I personally think that's horrible advice. And the reason why I think it's horrible advice is because artists have been taught to demean their price and undervalue themselves in order to get seen for so long. And I think when it comes to the music business, you do not get successful by undervaluing your product. You want people to take you serious. There's a reason that when Nipsey Hussle was selling his album for I think it was either $100 or $1,000 a piece. There's a reason he sold out. It was

beyond good music. It was, it was the fact that he valued himself that much more. And I feel like it's a, it's in bad practice to teach artists to undervalue themselves to get a little bit further. Like to be real with you, and I don't want to get too far into this, but that's exactly why the casting couch mentality exists. Like it comes from undervaluing yourself, your person. Anytime you undervalue yourself, you will fall for the banana in the tailpipe. Like you will fall for the things that will eventually slow you down, for the things that will make you feel dirty about yourself. That's what's gonna happen, right? So you don't ever want to undervalue your craft. The thing that you think that you're better than others at, the thing that makes you you, if you ever shortchange that you will shortchange yourself all your life. Or you might get what you want. But you will always feel that and you won't be able to sleep at night. You know what I mean? And that's just how I feel about that.

Marco

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

Cola H.

You'll fall for anything, and how many people do we know have fallen for things that they

shouldn't have fallen for? It's countless, you know what I mean? And it's just like, we need

artists to value themselves otherwise, like, you know what I mean, everybody will be

undervaluing themselves. And it's just not worth it.

Marco

Facts, man. One question I have is around communities and being a part of a community.

Because I know, you know, particularly West End. I know you've been, you've been repping

West End since before it was cool to rep West End of Toronto.

Cola H.

Yep. Very, for a very long time. Yep.

Marco

And I know, you know, and you seem to, you seem to drop features that no one’s expecting and then all sudden, it's like, oh shit, Cola is up on this too, right? So, talk to me - a couple of things: One is just the importance of community when it comes to, you know, culture, when it comes to working in creative spaces. And the other is this dynamic in Canada and in Canadian music about, you know, not whether it's more important, but you know, everyone says, you need to get out of Canada, to become successful. And so, you know, how, what do you make of that?

Cola H.

Right. Well, on the community aspect. A community that you love and that loves you will always prop you up no matter what. It's, it's just inevitable. They will always prop you up. And if they truly love you, they will tell you when you're sidestepping. They will tell you when something was wack, because the incentive is to get better. Right? So for like, for the West End, right - so I grew up at Keele and Eglinton, York Square, right - We used to have rap battles all the time. And like those rap battles, it wasn't something where we were fighting each other. It was something like, yo if we really, really want to do this, we gotta be better than the next person. So I gotta be better than you. And your incentive is to be better than me. And essentially - actually, that's how me and Denz met. We met through our sisters, right. And, and we met through beat battles, right. To the point where we partnered with each other and just worked on becoming better producers. But the incentive is to be better than each other but for the betterment of the both of us, right. So that's the importance of community. And if it's making you guys better, that's the importance. It's kind of weird now though. Like, I feel like people rep certain hoods or whatnot, and it's not necessarily a thing where they're trying to make each other better, right. It's more so they're trying to, you know, battle with each other in a negative way. But, I mean, that's for another story. Now, to come to your second question, which was going to the States in order to make it. I completely still wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Like, the reality is this. Like, I'll just use Clairmont, for example. Clairmont the Second is a Juno nominated, three times in a row Polaris prize long-listed, a Prism prize award-winning director. Like Clairmont has all these accolades. For the past year, Clairmont has been featured on multiple United States playlists. The majority of his plays come from the United States. The thing is, is that Canada is far too small and like there's not enough Hip Hop fans here, right? And the biggest music market in the world is the United States. Maybe you don't need to be big in the United States. Maybe it's somewhere in Europe. But in terms of Canada, there is just not enough people here. Like maybe, like you know, a popular act can be a million-dollar band here, maybe. But like, you know, two black guys and a half-Iranian half-Irish guy like being a million-dollar Canadian band, like only operating in Canada? I don't think that's very much so possible here.

Marco

So what is, I mean, what is Toronto's place in the modern music industry then? Because I

mean, there's a lot of, I mean, Toronto has blown up for the past 10 years, right?

Cola H.

Yeah, for sure.

Marco

And everyone wants to say that it's Drake, it's because of Drake. But, you know, anyone that,

anyone that's been paying attention knows that the foundations had been built for a long time.

What makes Toronto so unique in terms of the music that's coming out of the city?

Cola H.

I think, I think it's a lot of things. And I would absolutely argue the fact that it is because of

Drake, to be honest with you. And like I would argue that, and I feel like there's a number of

things here that make Toronto that great. Drake didn't need to rep us like on top of that. Like

Drake repped us and I think it's because he truly loves this city. And I think this city has

something to be jealous of. For the fact that there are so many first-generation kids here, so

many immigrant families here. Like I feel like it's, and it's from all different places, like in the

world, right. Majid Jordan like is another example. I feel like every single Black artist that you

see from this city that has gone on to do amazing things, like, none of their parents are

Canadian. They're all from somewhere else. So I feel like the mixing of all those different

cultures to bring up these kids who grew up, all in the, in the same place, I think that's what

makes Toronto like a great breeding ground for talent. I mean, all my friends, like so many

of my friends are like, they're all talented, all first-generation, and all have interesting lives

beyond just making music. And that's what makes the music that much better. You know what

I'm saying? I think that's what makes Toronto unique and special. And I think that's why Drake

loves it. I feel like that's why, like, once again, I think Drake is instrumental to the economy of

Toronto. Like, beyond music, but definitely, like, when he said, "Weston Road flows," All my

Weston people were like, yo, we're taxing everybody at Caribana. ‘Cuz they're gonna want

tours of Weston. Like, not just the strip, but just the whole entire Weston community. You know, I mean, we’re gonna be taxing people out here. Like, if they come out here trying to, you know what I mean? And nobody would have known about Weston. They wouldn't have known about Weston if Drake didn't say it on his records. You know, it's just a fact.

Marco

No, and it's a great point. I mean, you know, leveraging that platform to really put a spotlight on

specific areas, specific issues. I mean, I think there's a lot that, you know, your work with

OBGMs and Drake have in common. I mean, you're leveraging that culture to rep a city, to rep

just to rep period, right?

Cola H.

Absolutely.

Marco

In terms of who's in your ears right now, who do we need to be listening to?

Cola H.

So in terms of - it's a bunch of people, right. Like, I'm listening to a ton of music right now. Yves

Tumor is probably like - Heaven for a Tortured Mind. Great album. I encourage everybody to go

listen to that album. That album, like was probably one of my most played albums of the whole

year. I'm listening to anything that comes from DijahSB, another artist from here, Toronto.

Clairmont the Second of course. And shameless plug, The OBGMs. Everything that is The

OBGMs you need to be listening to that. Other than that, like I'm finding new music every day. I

just took in Illuminati Hotties’ latest album and they're doing some really really cool musical stuff

there. In terms of rap, 1TakeJay. I'm really really enjoying the off-the-beat-type rap flow, where

it's kind of like, and it's really, really popular in the West Coast. And I think 1TakeJay is from out

there. And, like, I really, really enjoy that. Like you're kind of on the beat, but you're kind of

really not on the beat at all. And there's something about it that's just so swaggy about it that I

really really dig. And as a drummer, too, right, being able to drum within the pocket but off the

click, like oh, there's something so sick about that. And who else. I really really like G Perico's

voice. I think he sounds almost like a modern day DJ Quik. Larry June is also another one. And like to be real with you, I've been listening to like a ton of 80s R&B funk. Like a ton. Like

S.O.S. band. Like S.O.S. Band is probably my favorite. But like Mtume is another one. Cherelle, Alexander O'Neal, anything that Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis have produced, I highly, highly

encourage everyone to go listen to it, because it's just filled with number ones, their entire

catalogue, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. They're my favorite producers in the whole world. And I hope one day meet them.

Marco

Wicked man. What are two songs and one album that are forever part of your life soundtrack?

Cola H.

I'll start off by giving this album that I love. It's not a rock album, but it kinda is – Funkadelic,

Let's Take it to the Stage. When I was 16 years old, and Denz was trying to convince me to be

in a rock band. And I said, hell no. I stumbled upon this documentary on PBS. With them

playing, or it was a, it was a documentary about Parliament Funkadelic. And, like, you know,

they transitioned from being just like an R&B band to a funk band to like moving into rock and

roll. Let's Take it to the Stage was a pivotal album that basically said we're here to stay and

we're here, meshing these, these two things together. And that's an album I can't live without.

In terms of songs. Hmm. S.O.S. Band, Tell Me if you Still Care. It helped me discover the

softer side of who I was. Not everything is about like, you know, loudness and you know, trying

to be seen. Tell Me if you Still Care by S.O.S. Band, produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis.

Yeah. And Pull Out by Death From Above 1979. It’s just completely, like, offensive, completely

loud. And just like, the type of energy that I was just like rolling with in my early college years,

which made me want to get even harder with this music shit.

Marco

And then in terms of other tracks, what in your own, in your own catalogue? So music that

you've worked on or been a part of, what are some of the most meaningful tracks to you?

Cola H.

Triggered by the OBGMs. Like, that's a meaningful song because it's hard. And it's everything

that when I wanted to get harder with music, like it's everything that I thought we would sound

like. That's one track in my catalog that I'm like yes. Another one would probably have to be

Clockout. It's the song with me and Clairmont on his last, on his latest album. I produced that

song, and like I got the second verse on it. It's just, it just shows like that both of us got lyrical

skill and can still bounce off of each other, and let it be a family affair and still be like, just a

complete banger. And lastly, I'd probably say New Money, which is like a solo track of mine.

Marco

Ooh, la la.

Cola H.

Yeah, Ooh La La. Yes. New Money. Like, there's not a bar in there that's not true. And it's just,

it feels like what Toronto feels like to me. You know, that's my Ode to Toronto.

Marco

So like a lot of artists have sort of said that 2020 was a year for strategizing because of the

impact on the the arts community. You were obviously busy AF. And so what are some final

thoughts on music in 2021 and sort of where we find ourselves globally? Locally? Like, you

know, obviously, you're going to be releasing some music. So that's exciting. Anything else

you want to share about? Just final thoughts on music and either 2021 or beyond?

Cola H.

Yeah. So like, I think if 2020 showed us anything, it's that the world can be shut down for a

multitude of reasons. And I think if you're taking this time to strategize, good. But if you're not

taking this time to, to actively still maintain attention, or learn a new skill, you will suffer when

the world does come back, if it ever comes back. I think people that are waiting - like it

showed, it showed us this. If you wait, you will wait. Like period. There's never going to be a

right time for anything. The right time is right now. Right? What are you doing right now?

What's happening right now? What are people watching right now? What are people doing

right now? If you do not add more skills to your arsenal, and if you are only waiting for the right

time, you'll die out. Like there's just no way that you'll survive in this day and age. Because like

the reality is like, I'm not sure our normal world comes back. I'm definitely not sure. And I know

that sounds bleak. But like, I mean we booked a few things for 2021. But the reality is, is like it’ll

probably get canceled, you know. And I think anyone that thinks live music is coming back in

2021 is not paying attention to the signs that things are going horribly wrong right now. So the

thing is, is like, how are you going to survive this rat race next? And it's - you know what it's not

by doing? Waiting. So don't wait. Right now is the time. That's my final thought.

Braeden

Could I ask one question?

Marco

Sure!

Cola H.

Oh, please.

Braeden

It seems like behind your work is this like really intricate fabric of relationships and you

collaborate with a lot of people. You have band members. You're in the music business with

your brother. You're in a marriage with someone. Like, these relationships have so many

layers and so much depth and complexity. And so I just wonder, like, what do you think is

essential in moving through those relationships and sustaining those relationships in a good

way?

Cola H.

I’ll say it like this. Communication is essential in moving forward in a relationship. But not only

communication, it's understanding what the relationship is. So when I say understanding the

relationship, relationships start for different reasons. And they usually end because somebody

broke code as to what the relationship was. Like, I feel like a lot of us don't understand

relationships to the extent that we should. Relationships are basically – they’re social contracts

as to how you interact with somebody. And the moment that changes, the relationship can

either change or end. And, like, I think as long as you understand like why it started, and how it

started, and you're willing to make it evolve through communication, of course. A relationship

can sustain the worst, like the absolute worst of what life has to offer. You know, and I think

that's why I've been able to roll with Denz for so long. That's why I'm in business with my

brother. That's why essentially, my wife is like, she's not just like - she describes herself as my

biggest fan. But I think she's way more than that. She's my business partner, like, just in life,

you know what I mean? Like, you know, you know, we're new parents, right. And like, even the

things that we introduce our child to, or even right down to how we communicate in front of her.

Like, maintaining a relationship, all that is key, like, so it's knowing why you got together and

and communicating so that the relationship can continue to flourish.

Braeden

I guess if I could follow up with something personal?

Cola H.

Of course. Please.

Braeden

Like, well, just, you know, being so - and I guess I'm asking from a place of being in a similar

context - like, when, when you're married to someone and you’re business partners, and you’re

co-parenting, and maybe you have, I don't know, creative sides, or creative work that

intersects. But then you're also in a domestic partnership, and also a romantic partnership. It's

like you're wearing all these different hats. And sometimes it's hard to know which hat you're,

you're speaking from, like, and they have competing interests. And so I'm just like wondering if, like, do you, have you sort of acquired, are you learning like a new language, or bringing in a new set of tools into like, I guess, learning the interplay between all those different hats you have to wear?

Cola H.

I think, I think what it is, is we’re learning a new set of tools. So marriage is not for everyone, I

completely believe that. And it's for me, and it’s for my partner, like it's for both of us. Like we

chose each other. And like, that's why we're still happy today. The reason why we love each

other is because we love each other for who we are, right? But the reason why it works so

well, is because the way we communicate. We know that we'll be able to grow together. So

whether it's being business partners, whether it's buying property together, whether it's raising

a family together, like you know what I mean? Whether it's, or even right down to who's gonna

do the dishes, and who's in the living room. Like, you know, all those things, those all just

become tools. They become assets that you use, like, in order to accomplish whatever you

need to accomplish. But the thing is, is like, they're just tools, but they add on to our

relationship. We know we can continue to grow together. And that's why we continue to grow

together.

Braeden

Thank you for sharing.

Cola H.

Oh, no problem. No problem. By the way, great questions. Completely unexpected, but really,

really dope.

Braeden

Yeah, well, like it kind of, you know, what made me think of it is when you mentioned Dave

Schiffman, like earlier in the conversation. Like, there's kind of, there's like these invisible

relationships that happen behind the scenes that no one else sees.

Cola H.

Mm hmm.

Braeden

And, and I'm just like, I'm interested in that aspect of just yeah, people's sort of like, the

intimate realms of people's lives that lead to the work you never really see.

Cola H.

Can I expand on that actually?

Braeden

Yeah.

Cola H.

Now that, now that we're talking about it, like, I feel like a lot of times, especially as artists,

because it's a lonely road, and because a lot of the times you find yourself alone. You find

yourself being extremely introspective. I feel like great artists are very introspective. You forget

that you need people. But like, even with everything that we're seeing in this in this world, like

happening right now, where it kind of seems like everyone's mad at each other, right? You

know, whether it be for political reasons, racial reasons, whether it be class reasons. But the

reality is this. We need each other, we all need each other. Like, even right down to me talking

shit, like people need people. We can't go it alone. Like, I mean, if we try to go it alone, or

without particular communities, our minds don't expand. And right now there's a fight to keep

things the same, or the fight to change things. And like, you know, there's two people leaning

on on two different sides. But really, if we came together, and you know, we work together

towards a common goal and that's like, advancing humanity, you know, we would be so much

further than we are right now. People don't value each other as much as they should. And that’s

where the big problems lie, you know?

Braeden

Yeah, I feel like trust is really the only currency.

Cola H.

It really really is. It really is. Trust me. Yeah.

Marco

That's awesome Braeden. Just a quick plug - everything OGBMs, everything Cola H.,

everything Clairmont the Second, OBGMs Band Practice wherever you get podcasts.

Cola H.

Yup Yup

Marco

Cola man, as always, it's a pleasure. We appreciate you and just wish you so much more

success and a brighter fire that burns in 2021.

Cola H.

Oh, my bro, thank you so much. I really really really really appreciate you guys having me. And

like yeah, I said before, Cola H. on everything just look up "dieforcola". So dieforcola.com,

@dieforcola on everything and that will lead you to Cola H. and that is me. Thank you for

having me.

Marco

Peace

Cola H.

Peace

[outro music plays]

Marco

That was my conversation with Colanthony Humphrey aka Cola H. You can check him out on

social media @dieforcola. I want to give a big shout out to Braeden Doane for her support in

producing today's episode. Look out for another Hart House Hip Hop Education takeover

coming soon. In the meantime, check us out at harthouse.ca. I'm Marco Adamovic. Peace.

#harthousehiphopeducation #colah thewestmeetingroom harthousestories

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dheir-slytherin-blr · 4 years ago

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When thinking is a disease

“I am a human because...”

This is the line one is supposed to complete, when they leave college, when one completes their M.D. in Psychiatry in one of the better known universities of the USA.

When I happened to read it, I read it as... “I am a human because I can think about the past, present and the future.”

Animals too are known to draw lessons from the past and pass it on to their kids. This has been comprehensively proven in many experiments. It can also be seen in day to day life how a monkey troop shall soon learn to visit a house daily whose inhabitants offer them food; or conversely, shall avoid one which shoos them off all the time.

But humans alone possess the ability (or is it disability?) to keep pondering over their past, present and future even after having learnt the lesson - or worse, after NOT having learnt their lesson.

A person may have been cheated of their money/ cheated in love/ abandoned by their family. Rather than just learn the lesson of how to deal with such situations and to learn to keep oneself out of them in future; they shall keep thinking and causing further harm to themselves. It might appear that the person is actually enjoying being in the past, maybe to keep themselves from facing and overcoming the challenges of the present and future.

After all, its so much easier to cry while sitting in the balcony with a cup of tea in hand and memories in mind than to get dressed, show up for work and repair oneself. The latter is a lot of hard work, and who wants to work hard when they can enjoy the sympathy and free stuff while they can milk the situation all they can?

No doubt, there is a period of grief and it should not be ignored or postponed. Just as after death, a period of grieving is allowed and should be utilised to the full, one should also be strong enough to understand that they should cry to the full for their loss, but they should cry for it only once. Once the tears have dried up, pick yourself up, learn the lesson and make yourself and the lives of those around you better. Teach yourself to never allow yourself to cry twice for the same reason (or person).

The one way it can be executed is to first start the days with a list of to-do things. Keep it simple, practical, doable. Get all those done. Everyday. Keep expanding the list and making it tougher, day by day, week by week. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t allow yourself time to drown in memories. DON’T THINK.

Soon, that part of the past shall be like clips from someone else’s movie. Even if you do happen to see it, it shall only be like a spectator.

DOING is the only thing that shall keep you from THINKING.

Isn’t that what animals do? How many times did you come upon an animal while they were sitting, brooding about the injustices of life? Even if you observe a stray cow, she shall be either foraging for food, chewing cud or sleeping. Even the cows whose calves have been taken away from her...!!!!

A dog you threw stones at shall simply look for food in the next house or the next street. He won’t spend a moment pondering why this “human” is only beating him...!!!??? He won’t ask, “Why ME God?”

I guess the psychiatry unit should get a line for animals where they ask, “I am an animal because...”

The best reply would be, “I am an animal because I do things rather than think about them.”

#Musings #Life #LifeLessons #

0 notes

blackkudos · 7 years ago

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Derek Walcott

Sir Derek Alton Walcott, KCSL OBE OCC (23 January 1930 – 17 March 2017) was a Saint Lucia poet and playwright. He received the 1992 Nobel Prize in Literature. He was Professor of Poetry at the University of Essex from 2010 to 2013. His works include the Homeric epic poem Omeros (1990), which many critics view "as Walcott's major achievement." In addition to having won the Nobel, Walcott has won many literary awards over the course of his career, including an Obie Award in 1971 for his play Dream on Monkey Mountain, a MacArthur Foundation "genius" award, a Royal Society of Literature Award, the Queen's Medal for Poetry, the inaugural OCM Bocas Prize for Caribbean Literature, the 2011 T. S. Eliot Prize for his book of poetry White Egrets and the Griffin Trust For Excellence In Poetry Lifetime Recognition Award in 2015.

Early life and Childhood

Walcott was born and raised in Castries, Saint Lucia, in the West Indies with a twin brother, the future playwright Roderick Walcott, and a sister, Pamela Walcott. His family is of African and European descent, reflecting the complex colonial history of the island which he explores in his poetry. His mother, a teacher, loved the arts and often recited poetry around the house. His father, who painted and wrote poetry, died at age 31 from mastoiditis while his wife was pregnant with the twins Derek and Roderick, who were born after his death. Walcott's family was part of a minority Methodist community, who felt overshadowed by the dominant Catholic culture of the island established during French colonial rule.

As a young man Walcott trained as a painter, mentored by Harold Simmons, whose life as a professional artist provided an inspiring example for him. Walcott greatly admired Cézanne and Giorgione and sought to learn from them. Walcott's painting was later exhibited at the Anita Shapolsky Gallery in New York City, along with the art of other writers, in a 2007 exhibition named "The Writer's Brush: Paintings and Drawing by Writers".

He studied as a writer, becoming “an elated, exuberant poet madly in love with English” and strongly influenced by modernist poets such as T. S. Eliot and Ezra Pound. Walcott had an early sense of a vocation as a writer. In the poem "Midsummer" (1984), he wrote:

At 14, Walcott published his first poem, a Miltonic, religious poem, in the newspaper The Voice of St Lucia. An English Catholic priest condemned the Methodist-inspired poem as blasphemous in a response printed in the newspaper. By 19, Walcott had self-published his two first collections with the aid of his mother, who paid for the printing: 25 Poems (1948) and Epitaph for the Young: XII Cantos (1949). He sold copies to his friends and covered the costs. He later commented,

I went to my mother and said, 'I’d like to publish a book of poems, and I think it’s going to cost me two hundred dollars.' She was just a seamstress and a schoolteacher, and I remember her being very upset because she wanted to do it. Somehow she got it—a lot of money for a woman to have found on her salary. She gave it to me, and I sent off to Trinidad and had the book printed. When the books came back I would sell them to friends. I made the money back.

The influential Bajan poet Frank Collymore critically supported Walcott's early work.

With a scholarship, he studied at the University College of the West Indies in Kingston, Jamaica.

Personal life

In 1954 Walcott married Fay Moston, a secretary, with whom he had a son, Paul, but the marriage ended in divorce two years later. Walcott married a second time to Margaret Maillard, who worked as an almoner in a hospital, and together they had two daughters, Elizabeth, and Anna; they divorced in the mid-1970s. In 1976, Walcott married for a third time, to Norline Metivier, but this marriage also did not last.

Walcott was also known for his passion for travelling to different countries around the world. He split his time between New York, Boston, and St. Lucia, and incorporated the influences of different areas into his pieces of work.

Career

After graduation, Walcott moved to Trinidad in 1953, where he became a critic, teacher and journalist. Walcott founded the Trinidad Theatre Workshop in 1959 and remains active with its Board of Directors.

Exploring the Caribbean and its history in a colonialist and post-colonialist context, his collection In a Green Night: Poems 1948–1960 (1962) attracted international attention. His play Dream on Monkey Mountain (1970) was produced on NBC-TV in the United States the year it was published. In 1971 it was produced by the Negro Ensemble Company off-Broadway in New York City; it won an Obie Award that year for "Best Foreign Play". The following year, Walcott won an OBE from the British government for his work.

He was hired as a teacher by Boston University in the United States, where he founded the Boston Playwrights' Theatre in 1981. That year he also received a MacArthur Foundation Fellowship in the United States. Walcott taught literature and writing at Boston University for more than two decades, publishing new books of poetry and plays on a regular basis and retiring in 2007. He became friends with other poets, including the Russian Joseph Brodsky, who lived and worked in the US after being exiled in the 1970s, and the Irish Seamus Heaney, who also taught in Boston.

His epic poem, Omeros (1990), which loosely echoes and refers to characters from the Iliad, has been critically praised "as Walcott's major achievement." The book received praise from publications such as The Washington Post and The New York Times Book Review, which chose the book as one of its "Best Books of 1990".

Walcott was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1992, the second Caribbean writer to receive the honor after Saint-John Perse, who was born in Guadeloupe, received the award in 1960. The Nobel committee described Walcott's work as “a poetic oeuvre of great luminosity, sustained by a historical vision, the outcome of a multicultural commitment.” He won an Anisfield-Wolf Book Award for Lifetime Achievement in 2004.

His later poetry collections include Tiepolo’s Hound (2000), illustrated with copies of his watercolors; The Prodigal (2004), and White Egrets (2010), which received the T.S. Eliot Prize.

In 2009, Walcott began a three-year distinguished scholar-in-residence position at the University of Alberta. In 2010, he became Professor of Poetry at the University of Essex.

As a part of St Lucia's Independence Day celebrations, in February 2016, he became one of the first knights of the Order of Saint Lucia, granting him the title of 'Sir'.

Oxford Professor of Poetry candidacy

In 2009, Walcott was a leading candidate for the position of Oxford Professor of Poetry. He withdrew his candidacy after reports of documented accusations against him of sexual harassment from 1981 and 1996. (The latter case was settled by Boston University out of court.) When the media learned that pages from an American book on the topic were sent anonymously to a number of Oxford academics, this aroused their interest in the university decisions.

Ruth Padel, also a leading candidate, was elected to the post. Within days, The Daily Telegraph reported that she had alerted journalists to the harassment cases. Under severe media and academic pressure, Padel resigned. Padel was the first woman to be elected to the Oxford post, and journalists including Libby Purves, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, the American Macy Halford and the Canadian Suzanne Gardner attributed the criticism of her to misogyny and a gender war at Oxford. They said that a male poet would not have been so criticized, as she had reported published information, not rumour.

Numerous respected poets, including Seamus Heaney and Al Alvarez, published a letter of support for Walcott in The Times Literary Supplement, and criticized the press furore. Other commentators suggested that both poets were casualties of the media interest in an internal university affair, because the story "had everything, from sex claims to allegations of character assassination". Simon Armitage and other poets expressed regret at Padel's resignation.

Writing

Themes

Methodism and spirituality have played a significant role from the beginning in Walcott's work. He commented, "I have never separated the writing of poetry from prayer. I have grown up believing it is a vocation, a religious vocation." Describing his writing process, he wrote, "the body feels it is melting into what it has seen… the 'I' not being important. That is the ecstasy...Ultimately, it’s what Yeats says: 'Such a sweetness flows into the breast that we laugh at everything and everything we look upon is blessed.' That’s always there. It’s a benediction, a transference. It’s gratitude, really. The more of that a poet keeps, the more genuine his nature." He also notes, "if one thinks a poem is coming on...you do make a retreat, a withdrawal into some kind of silence that cuts out everything around you. What you’re taking on is really not a renewal of your identity but actually a renewal of your anonymity."walcott's work deals in the realm of everyday people.

Influences

Walcott has said his writing was influenced by the work of the American poets, Robert Lowell and Elizabeth Bishop, who were also friends.

Playwriting

He has published more than twenty plays, the majority of which have been produced by the Trinidad Theatre Workshop and have also been widely staged elsewhere. Many of them address, either directly or indirectly, the liminal status of the West Indies in the post-colonial period. Through poetry he also explores the paradoxes and complexities of this legacy.

Essays

In his 1970 essay "What the Twilight Says: An Overture", discussing art and theatre in his native region (from Dream on Monkey Mountain and Other Plays), Walcott reflects on the West Indies as colonized space. He discusses the problems for an artist of a region with little in the way of truly indigenous forms, and with little national or nationalist identity. He states: “We are all strangers here... Our bodies think in one language and move in another". The epistemological effects of colonization inform plays such as Ti-Jean and his Brothers. Mi-Jean, one of the eponymous brothers, is shown to have much information, but to truly know nothing. Every line Mi-Jean recites is rote knowledge gained from the coloniser; he is unable to synthesize it or apply it to his life as a colonised person.

Walcott notes of growing up in West Indian culture:

"What we were deprived of was also our privilege. There was a great joy in making a world that so far, up to then, had been undefined... My generation of West Indian writers has felt such a powerful elation at having the privilege of writing about places and people for the first time and, simultaneously, having behind them the tradition of knowing how well it can be done—by a Defoe, a Dickens, a Richardson."

Walcott identifies as "absolutely a Caribbean writer", a pioneer, helping to make sense of the legacy of deep colonial damage. In such poems as "The Castaway" (1965) and in the play Pantomime (1978), he uses the metaphors of shipwreck and Crusoe to describe the culture and what is required of artists after colonialism and slavery: both the freedom and the challenge to begin again, salvage the best of other cultures and make something new. These images recur in later work as well. He writes, "If we continue to sulk and say, Look at what the slave-owner did, and so forth, we will never mature. While we sit moping or writing morose poems and novels that glorify a non-existent past, then time passes us by."

Omeros

Walcott's epic book-length poem Omeros was published in 1990 to critical acclaim. The poem very loosely echoes and references Homer and some of his major characters from The Iliad. Some of the poem's major characters include the island fishermen Achille and Hector, the retired English officer Major Plunkett and his wife Maud, the housemaid Helen, the blind man Seven Seas (who symbolically represents Homer), and the author himself.

Although the main narrative of the poem takes place on the island of St. Lucia, where Walcott was born and raised, Walcott also includes scenes from Brookline, Massachusetts (where Walcott was living and teaching at the time of the poem's composition), and the character Achille imagines a voyage from Africa onto a slave ship that is headed for the Americas; also, in Book Five of the poem, Walcott narrates some of his travel experiences in a variety of cities around the world, including Lisbon, London, Dublin, Rome, and Toronto.

Composed in a variation on terza rima, the work explores the themes that run throughout Walcott's oeuvre: the beauty of the islands, the colonial burden, the fragmentation of Caribbean identity, and the role of the poet in a post-colonial world.

Criticism and praise

Walcott's work has received praise from major poets including Robert Graves, who wrote that Walcott "handles English with a closer understanding of its inner magic than most, if not any, of his contemporaries", and Joseph Brodsky, who praised Walcott's work, writing: "For almost forty years his throbbing and relentless lines kept arriving in the English language like tidal waves, coagulating into an archipelago of poems without which the map of modern literature would effectively match wallpaper. He gives us more than himself or 'a world'; he gives us a sense of infinity embodied in the language." Walcott noted that he, Brodsky, and the Irish poet Seamus Heaney, who all taught in the United States, were a band of poets "outside the American experience".

The poetry critic William Logan critiqued Walcott's work in a New York Times book review of Walcott's Selected Poems. While he praised Walcott's writing in Sea Grapes and The Arkansas Testament, he had mostly negative things to say about Walcott's poetry, calling Omeros "clumsy" and Another Life "pretentious.". Finally, he concluded with the faint praise that "No living poet has written verse more delicately rendered or distinguished than Walcott, though few individual poems seem destined to be remembered."

Most reviews of Walcott's work are more positive. For instance, in The New Yorker review of The Poetry of Derek Walcott, Adam Kirsch had high praise for Walcott's oeuvre, describing his style in the following manner:

By combining the grammar of vision with the freedom of metaphor, Walcott produces a beautiful style that is also a philosophical style. People perceive the world on dual channels, Walcott’s verse suggests, through the senses and through the mind, and each is constantly seeping into the other. The result is a state of perpetual magical thinking, a kind of Alice in Wonderland world where concepts have bodies and landscapes are always liable to get up and start talking.

He calls Another Life Walcott's "first major peak" and analyzes the painterly qualities of Walcott's imagery from his earliest work through to later books like Tiepolo's Hound. He also explores the post-colonial politics in Walcott's work, calling him "the postcolonial writer par excellence." He calls the early poem "A Far Cry from Africa" a turning point in Walcott's development as a poet. Like Logan, Kirsch is critical of Omeros which he believes Walcott fails to successfully sustain over its entirety. Although Omeros is the volume of Walcott's that usual receives the most critical praise, Kirsch, instead believes that Midsummer is his best book.

Death

Walcott died at his home on 17 March, 2017.

Awards and honours

1969 Cholmondeley Award

1971 Obie Award for Best Foreign Play (for Dream on Monkey Mountain)

1972 Officer of the Order of the British Empire

1981 MacArthur Foundation Fellowship ("genius award")

1988 Queen's Gold Medal for Poetry

1990 Arts Council of Wales International Writers Prize

1990 W. H. Smith Literary Award (for poetry Omeros)

1992 Nobel Prize in Literature

2004 Anisfield-Wolf Book Award for Lifetime Achievement

2008 Honorary doctorate from the University of Essex

2011 T. S. Eliot Prize (for poetry collection White Egrets)

2011 OCM Bocas Prize for Caribbean Literature (for White Egrets)

2015 Griffin Trust For Excellence In Poetry Lifetime Recognition Award

2016 Knight Commander of the Order of Saint Lucia

Wikipedia

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steamishot · 5 years ago

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Changes

~4/21? I think my mindset shifted a lot this past week, especially after staying with Matt and his family for a few days. Admittedly, I used to be very fearful of going outside to public spaces and be extra cautious every time I did take out. For example, my family and I have “outside clothes” and “inside clothes”. I would immediately toss my “outside” clothes into my laundry basket when I arrived home from the market or picking up food, even if I was out for just 5 minutes. My parents were against me doing any uber eats or takeout. They believed home cooked food was the best during this time and refused to eat non-homemade food. My mom left the house less than 2 times this past month. My dad is less fearful - he’s gone out multiple times a week (to buy food and for work) and doesn’t really care, but my mom and I always gave him shit for doing so. I felt like a huge hypocrite going out to see Matt, and was afraid of how my family would react.

I’m really awkward whenever talking about love or romantic partners with my family - especially after what happened with my last parter. I’m avoidant. So I ended up only telling my mom I was going to leave to see Matt 30 minutes before I actually did pack up to go, which was very bad on my part. She was heartbroken and was super fearful and asked “can you not?”. She later called me during the car ride and told me not to come home for a month. Hearing that made Matt feel guilty, and he called my mom’s idea stupid. We got into a huge argument, with me trying to defend my family. I found out later there was some underlying resentment, where he felt like my family treats him like second-rate, which is probably my fault because I choose not to talk about partners to my family.

4/25- it’s now been over a week that Matt has been home and I’ve seen his family every single day even on the days that we were staying at the Airbnb. Things have been kinda tense between us (I think he’s being mean to me, he thinks I’m mean to him). I realize that this is due to several issues:

- Quarantine/pandemic stresses: he’s a frontline worker in the epicenter of covid and working at one of the hardest hit hospitals. Even though he doesn’t verbally acknowledge his feelings and pretends he’s ok, he’s definitely more stressed out than usual. During this time, he’s even more sensitive to any criticism I have. He used to take it all (mostly), but he’s been retaliating more often recently. On his end, he feels that his whole life is a sacrifice, and he’s working extremely hard especially during this scary time - why do I have to criticize him during his vacation? I should just let him enjoy himself.

-Attention: We’re staying with his family during this time, so it’s his time to catch up with everyone. He’s also catching up with his friends online. Because these are the people he rarely talks to (he calls me everyday vs. calling family for like 5 min once a week, and never calling/texting his friends), I have become last on the priority list in attention during his vacation. I keep telling myself it’s fine. However, because I’m also the person he is closest to, I feel like it’s me who puts up with his shit the most. Then I question, why do I have to be so nice to someone who is not very fit as a good partner (due to residency, especially during a time like covid), and on top of that has to be rude to me? I started feeling salty about that.

- Lack of comfort: not to be ungrateful, but I realize that staying at someone else’s home for an extended period of time is stressful, even more so under quarantine. I’m not carefree at his home, and I feel like I have to be on my best behavior/ “professional” around his parents. I lose structure in my daily life and I always have to depend on someone else. I have a few articles of clothing I’m wearing over and over lol. His dad generously gave us his room (because it’s attached to a restroom). However, we’re sleeping on an old spring mattress that creeks with every movement. We’ve had to have quiet, inhibited sex lol.

Anyway, I’m PMSing - 6 days before my period. I hate that I tend to PMS during the times that we have to spend together. I know my concerns are legit, but PMS can make it seem worse/more dramatic than what it is. I was watching Insecure season 4 yesterday, and there was a scene that stuck out to me. Issa’s best friend Molly (who has been single for quite some time) started dating a guy that she really likes. A few weeks later, she got upset that he wasn’t opening up to her. Issa asked something along the lines of “do you actually wanna be happy? you keep looking for problems.” Hearing that kinda put things into perspective for me, as I tend to focus on the negatives than see things as a whole.

Let’s focus on positive things:

- Having a partner in healthcare feels like having the fastpass in an amusement park. Going to costco and beating the line. Free stuff/food everyday. His mom is a PT at USC and she’s received free food, free orchids, free tangerines, etc. I stopped feeling guilty about being out for non-essential things (like going out for take out multiple times a day), because my doctor partner deserves it. When I return to my life at home, I’m not going to do this anymore. Also, he had a healthcare worker discount at the north face, and bought a jacket for me, his mom, and himself.

- Running. The men in his family are all into running. His dad is almost mid-60s and runs 5 miles multiple times a week. His teenage brother runs 7-9 miles like everyday. Matt used to run a lot too, and was the top runner in high school. That’s why even though he’s fat now, it’s only his upper body that is actually fat. His lower body still has that runner’s physique. I went out to the trail with them 3 times already. It’s hard because I have allergies in this weather, and also it’s damn hot. But I was able to run 3.5 miles last time. I’ll try for 4 today.

- Everyday, his parents always ask him what I want to eat. They’re so accommodating, especially his dad. Tea is sacred to his dad, and he never really shared before. No one else in his family was interested in tea either. But because I showed interest and love tea, he’s been asking me multiple times a day - do you want tea? Do you want wine? LOL. He buys breakfast everyday - dimsum, burger king, mcdonalds, chinese breakfast, etc. They always make sure I am fed.

4/30 - after I wrote my last blurb, everything started going uphill. We both became more understanding of each other, and more forgiving. He became more relaxed, I became more relaxed. We were able to have fun again. to highlight the fun times that i had with him and his family:

- the first or second day i was over at his parents house, his dad offered me some tea, but i declined because it was already late and i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to sleep. i asked if we could take some tea leaves to go since were staying at an airbnb at the time. matt says he’s protective of his tea. i think he was a little shocked when i first asked him, because no one in his family is interested in tea, but he gave me like 2 bags initially. his mom was like GIVE HER MORE, GIVE HER 10. SHE IS LIKE FAMILY. i felt a little awkward but i love me some tea.

- did so. much. takeout in 13 days. the first couple days I was still kinda paranoid about going out, but by the last day it felt like NBD to me. Got to eat poke, sugarfish sushi, nabemono hot pot, pho x3, banh mi, boba everyday, ramen x2 (men oh, ramenhood), burgers x3 (in n out, bunz, the win-dow), sugar cane x2, taro cake, yin ji chang fen, thai, philz, dim sum etc. it was reminiscent of our lifestyle whenever we went on vacation. we were still fatasses during quarantine.

- played board games with his brother and mom. played poker with the family and his dad. his younger brother and i lost early on cause we suck, but he and his dad continued playing for another hour and a half or so - matt ended up winning. but it was very nice to see them spend time together as spending time playing games like that was never a thing in their family

- i helped his family take some cute family photos (with and without masks on). his mom likes taking family photos and usually gets to do so on family trips, but said they didn’t get any this year because of the quarantine. the boys aren’t big fans of photos either so she took advantage of me being there. i was also part of a few family photos!

- made charcuterie boards for his family. they really enjoyed it.

- i spent some quality time with his 88 year old grandma. she mostly does her own thing (which is being babysat by an ipad), but one day i made her draw with me by following youtube tutorials - we drew a flower, mickey mouse, a cat, and a monkey together. she asked me to save a video so she can continue doing it and get better. another day, i wanted to have her write/read in english and chinese. his mom found an elementary chinese workbook and she ended up teaching me. the material was very easy and she was like “uh you’re already very good” lol. i then switched the roles and asked her to write in english - she was surprisingly very good and could write quite quickly. as an assignment, i asked her to write a letter to matt. it was precious. it took me back to the days where i would teach english to chinese seniors. i took a pic of them using my instax camera, and she really loved it.

- watched farewell with his grandma, brother, and mom. we already watched it once before so he was sitting in the back only paying half attention. his brother was immediately into it and got emotional at times. at one point, he had to stand up and go towards the back of the room because the emotions were too much to handle. matt said his brother was tearing up. his mom said that watching their family was very relatable and it reminded her of her own family. i tried watching this film with my mom and grandma, but they didn’t get it and found it boring. it was nice to watch a chinese-american film with a chinese family to get that commentary.

- ran/walked/jogged at the trail a total of 20 miles during my stay there

- did home work outs - yoga, blogilates and peloton HIIT with him, his family and friends. we did echo park steve’s yoga one day too. his mom enjoyed peloton yoga and blogilates and asked me to save the videos for her.

- in the first few days, his mom kept repeating “life is beautiful”. the first day, we cheered to him still being alive lol. (not funny and his mom was sleepless a few nights due to worrying, but i think it’s gonna be ok)

- news so I can remember: 3 programs in cali reached out to matt during his vacation, asking if he’s still interested in interviewing for a PGY-2 program. loma linda was one of them and would have been an amazing program to be a part of. it was a very hard decision, but he declined. he had already signed a contract with brooklyn, and this would require him to speak to his program director about his interest in switching programs. not a good look if you don’t actually get into the program.

- his parents (moreso mom) is an avid, adventurous traveler. they had plans to go to africa this year and talked about rescheduling. she included matt and i in the plans to go next year and said “the four of us”. matt brought up norway instead, since that’s more doable. so we settled on going to norway as a family.

- went with matt’s dad to drop him off at LAX yesterday morning at like 6:30am. he then dropped me at home, and officially met my mom for the first time. they shook hands and he told my mom “connie is so nice”. LOL.

After coming home yesterday, my mom bombarded me with questions about matt and his family. and then asked about our future and whether we are thinking of marriage. she is against me moving to nyc during this pandemic, and i hate how uncertain everything is right now. she also thinks that i should be engaged before i uproot my life to move over to be with him. i agree to an extent, but i also understand if he is not ready. it is crazy that we have now been long distance longer than being together in person, and with this pandemic, i’m not sure how long that’s gonna continue. i found out that my mom feels ashamed of me going to stay at a boy’s house for that long. a boy i am not engaged/married to. she doesn’t say it but the actions make me seem slutty to traditional people. she hid the information from my brother and SIL - i think because she would be ashamed if the info leaked out to her parents. that is why she keeps pushing the idea of marriage/engagement on me.

I took yesterday to kinda get used to being back at home, and felt quite sad to detach from my “second family”. In a way, even though it wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I at least felt I wasn’t stagnant. It was like a “bootcamp” to fit in with someone else’s family, their routines, and their daily lives. I’m also happy that I was pushed to run. They eat pretty heavy food, and they all overeat, but they also exercise a lot. My family portions well and eats very clean, but has milder workouts. Sometimes they intentionally skip meals to lose/maintain weight, whereas my family would throw a fit if we didn’t have food at a certain time. Their family is larger (130-190lbs), whereas my family is like (110-150 lbs)? After coming back home and eating my mom’s very clean food, I felt it wasn’t as tasty and I started craving heavier food lol. I think it would be beneficial for me to eat/live like their family for a few months (to gain weight and be stronger), and for matt to eat like my family to lose weight.

When we were eating takeout ramen one day, his mom mentioned that he never used to eat carbs. When he was at home and had a workout routine, it was just protein and veggies. I realize that without me, he probably wouldn’t be such a fatass lol. He said he would probably be too lazy to go out to eat, especially if he didn’t have a partner. I remembered that before meeting me, his diet would be soylent and protein bars. We’ve come a long way.

Anyway, I’m finally getting back into my routine at home. It’s kinda boring now, but I’ll adjust. I did only the minimum for work these past two weeks, and now UC Path is down for a week, meaning I can’t really do much work. I’m taking a half day tomorrow, using COVID admin pay. My tomato plants grew a lot. My ginger may have sprouted a little, but my strawberries seem like they’re a fail. Finally applied for PUA for my uncle, hope he will be receiving a paycheck soon. Supposed to get my period really soon so I’ve been feeling pretty lazy. I may start running outside on my own.

I’m worrying less about covid now. I used to freak myself out by reading the news everyday and following the subreddit, but looking at statistics, I feel ok.

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fuckedupfairyy-blog · 7 years ago

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So yeah, here goes.

So here’s my story, as pathetic as it may be. This is my story.

I had a great childhood, my parents split when I was 10. I blamed myself, only now I’m older I’ve realized it’s not my fault and it was for the best. I was bullied throughout primary school, called a fatty, pushed down, followed and called names. He terrorized me. Then secondary school nothing changed, it just got worse. There were more bullies, they treated me worse. I would walk into class and the boys would laugh and shout “thunder thighs” and say my name in a stupid voices, throwing things.. It was basically hell. So I started looking for attention and compliments elsewhere.

When I was in year 8, aged 13 I signed myself up for adult dating sites. I got loads of compliments and it made me feel amazing. Then being the stupid nieeve girl I was I starting chatting to a guy from Bodmin and arranged to meet him for Pizza and TV. He picked me up from school and my whole life changed from there.

He was a police officer and took serious advantage of me. I still blame myself, because if I wasnt so stupid to get into the car he wouldn’t of been able to rape me or keep me hostage.

From then on I started self harming, every night. I couldn’t get to sleep without making myself bleed. It became a addiction, I then started to become obsessed over my weight. Hating every part of me, crying in front of the mirror because of the constant bullies and flashbacks. I was big, size 22. I was on Tumblr on my desktop in my room everyday, looking at depressing quotes and talking to other people in chat rooms with depression aswell. Then I stumbled across Thinspiration. It ruined me, constantly obsessing over the fact I was fat. So I stole 2 a4 text books from school and sat in the library and printed out hundreds of thinspo pics and motivational quotes. Not so positive, more like.. “Everytime you binge you’re another week away from your goal weight” and a picture of a fat girl and a picture of a anorexic girl saying “cake or water? your choice.” It became my life, calorie counting, not eating for days, challenging myself on how much exercise I can do in a day without collapsing. Basically destroying my body. But I didn’t care, because within a month I had lost 30lbs and I wasnt complaining. In fact I was so happy with myself that i couldn’t stop, from a simple diet I was obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about calories, goal weights and everything in between. I would spend lessons writing out meal plans and drawing tiny girls and my free time telling my abusive ex boyfriend about what I had and hadn’t ate. Then I’d stay up all night self harming and planning out the next day.

The worst part was the hallucinations, I would see ‘The Black Man’ I used to call him. A dark male figure with no face sat on my desk in the corner or the bed looking in my direction. I would try and scream and shout but nothing would come out so I ended up sitting there having a panic attack until my mum came in and he would disappear. This happened for 2 years every night, I would wake up with sleep paralysis nearly every night seeing the same man in the corner screaming not being able to move for about 20 minutes before the scream left my body and my mum came rushing in. It was hell.

I was working with CAMHS who are a children mental health service and they diagnosed me with PTSD, depression, anxiety, EDNOS, body dismorphia and borderline psychosis.

My ex boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. He would also encourage my weight loss, which I guess in a way is totally fair because I was obese. He would stop me hanging out with my friends because he wanted me to himself and kept feeding me drugs so I wouldn’t go anywhere. When I was in year 10 I was doing my photography exam and hadn’t eaten in nearly 9 days. My body basically had a meltdown and I was phsycially sick until I ate something. But as you can imagine after 9 days of just water there wasn’t much to come up so it was a painful and horrifying experience..

After that I didn’t want to stop, after loosing 14lbs in 9 days I was so happy that i carried on making meal plans and exercising all night.

I then got into pills and acid, acid didn’t effect me until the summer where i did the bad acid and after that my mood changed. I would do pills for 2/3 days in a tent with my ex and not sleep then go back to my mums and all hell would break loose. She would say something I didn’t like and i would switch, turn into the most nasty disgusting girl and daughter you can imagine. Screaming in my mums face, punching holes in the walls, kicking holes in the doors, smashing everything in my way until she called the police, i would be detained and then the same would happen the next day. It got so bad that the police told my mum to just call the mental health ward if I kicked off again and I would be sectioned. I ran away from home and lived in a broken car in a car park in Veryan for 2 weeks. To be honest it was great, apart from when I was up by the club in Veryan and saw this women and man. It was a dark night and there was a elderly women stood in the middle of the road. I walked over to her and asked if she was okay she didn’t respond. She was stood there bending down petting her dog then standing up again. But as if it was a video on loop. The dog was running up to me, jumping up at me. It was only a little white Jack Russell. Then i turned around to ask Ash what was going on and he was freaking out. Because he couldn’t see her. Now, i realise it was a hallucination but it still scared the fuck out of me. I could feel the dogs wet paws, see the lady and her blue coat. I turned and there was a man in a trench coat stood on the pavement moving his figure to ask to come over. So I did, and when I did. He disappeared and as I turned so did she. I was convinced it was a ghost but he couldn’t see or hear anything.

Now too this day if I walk down a dark road or anything similar alone i will see the dog running up and down the road.

My other hallucination is also one that has stuck with me throughout my life, The Monkey Man.

He’s a normal, medium sized man around 6ft 3 but he’s got a mask of a monkey stuck to his face and he follows me everywhere i walk alone in the dark. He will be walking just behind my left side and when i turn around and look at him he melts into the ground but when i look forward and then back again he does the same. So I just keep looking out the cornor of my eye to make sure he’s still there and to he honest now it feels like hes protecting me in some sort of way. He’s got my other voice, he’s my opposite but also just like me because he gives me advice on what I’m thinking. Don’t think im crazy, i haven’t seen him in around a year but to be honest, if I was walking alone I would see him and the dog again.

Things now are different, im hardly alone so have not much time to think properly so when i do think it effects the people around me which sucks. I’m a lot better now then I was, I dont get sleep paralysis, i don’t have a weight loss book, I’m eating more then 500 calories a day (which used to be my absolute max), i’ve got a good boyfriend and I dont have to walk places in the dark on my own anymore so I dont notice the hallucinations.

But im still not 100% because little things trigger me, like any mention about my weight at all or me eating anything triggers me and makes me want to fast and exercise. I am pretty sensitive at the moment and I shouldn’t be, but im working on it. I want to be the strong and powerful girl who is independent and gets shit done the first and right way! I will be the strong and powerful girl! I want to have kids one day and be the best mum in whole world, give them everything they need plus more love and care then any kid has ever had. But I also want to be the best wife in the world, I’m going to tone my body up and get fit, learn how to cook the best food ever, be the best and cleaning and be smart funny and good in the bedroom. So you cant say im not getting anywhere because the first step is acceptance which ive done and the next step is to create goals and ive done that. All i need to do now is put those goals into place and i will be flying. Ive got a amazing boyfriend who keeps me on track and makes me feel a little more beautiful every day so as long as we stick together I don't think I'll have any problems. Fuck my past, I am who i am.

Thanks for listening……

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thegirlfromoverthepond · 7 years ago

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At the Zoo - Chapter 6

There it is, the last chapter of this story – there’s a small epilogue coming on next Monday but it’s mostly done:)

thank you to you, reader, thank you for bearing with me through this difficult story. It hasn’t been a fun ride for Peeta, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Trust me when I say it had been a very difficult story to write too.

My deepest respect goes to the every single person who suffers from PTSD, or panic attacks. Know you’ll always find someone willing to listen to you if need be. Just reach out.

This story wouldn’t have been out without the help of the incredible @xerxia31 who took on the job of betaing this whole story.

This story wouldn’t have been the same at all without the help of the amazing dandelion-sunset who insisted that I keep the PTSD scene when I wanted to delete it. She also beta-ed.

And to @akai-echo – her art, her aesthetics echo (pun intended) the story – her images are a strong companion to my words. Her vision on my stories is a gift I cherish.

Well, let’s do this, shall we ? Let’s go see another animal … I hope you liked my little game with the names of the chapters:)

Here on AO3 // FFN

Comments, reviews, asks, reblogs are always welcomed :)

6. Panthera Leo.

It had been weeks since Peeta last went into the zoo. Three weeks and two days to be precise. Since the day he had spent walking around the park like any other visitor, taking the time to look at the animals, to watch their movements, his fingers itching to draw them on paper.

Which he did as soon as he got back to his flat, spending days trying to recreate the face of a monkey, the movement of a bear, or the cuteness of a baby giraffe galloping around the corral. Each stroke of the pen or the brush on the canvas unlocking ideas, colors, motions.

Suddenly, a whole new set of images were in front of him to paint. Or draw. Or film.

All that thanks to a show. In a zoo.

That night, though, he was coming back to the zoo after the park was closed. He was supposed to meet Cressida and Castor, as well as the other teams of journalists, to watch the first episode of the show airing on Capitol TV.

“Peeta! Good to see you again!” Castor’s voice welcomed him as he got out of his car, being careful to place his leg on a stable spot, so he wouldn’t fall.

“Good to see you too, guys!” he answered, before Castor hugged him.

“Been a while, right? I missed working with you, we make a good team!”

Peeta nodded at his friend’s words. It had been a good shoot, indeed. Not only for work, but more importantly for himself. He had been able to do his job properly, without his fears getting in the way, without his PTSD interfering…

Only Katniss had seen him at his worst.

Twice.

Yet she hadn’t run away.

He was still amazed by her reaction to him.

He had - barely - been able to keep away from her for three weeks and two days, wanting some distance to be able to think about her, about them.

He hadn’t been able to keep her out of his mind for long. She was everywhere he looked. In the soft feathers on the pavement, in the grey of the sky, in the laughter of children. Almost everything he saw or heard, felt or tasted reminded him of Katniss.

He had no clue, though, if she felt the same way about him. Sure, he could have asked her out during those three weeks, but something had held him back.

They had exchanged texts, little everyday chats about their lives. Even if he had enjoyed seeing her name on his phone on a very regular basis, he never wanted to push his luck, just being glad to have any contact with her.

Maybe one day he would have enough courage and strength to tell her how he felt about her.

Because Peeta Mellark was pretty sure that along the line, he had fallen in love with Katniss Everdeen.

“Yeah, it was….” he finally answered Pollux, a smile on his face. “It truly was….”

“Man, I never imagined I could care about the life of a lion… and look at me now, I only want to go see all the animals and be sure they are well. Next job is going to be tough to top….” Pollux shook his head, as he started walking towards the gates of the park. “You know what you’ll do next?”

“Na, not yet. I keep hoping the station will ask for more and we get to go back, you know?”

“Gotcha. It feels good to film something heartwarming for a change. To be part of something… good? I don’t know, the rushes I saw were pretty good and so… different. I hope people will watch.”

“Me too, really. The guys here, they all deserve it.” Peeta pushed the door to the gift shop open, letting himself in.

The two men were immediately greeted by one of the vendors, a perky blonde who had caught the attention of almost all the men in the filming crews during the weeks they were there.

“Pollux! Peeta! So happy to see both of you! Effie’s waiting for all of you to arrive! She’s by the offices, if you remember the way?”

Peeta nodded before walking to the other door of the shop, shaking his head as he heard Castor’s attempts at flirting with the blonde girl.

He knew the way. Past the flamingos, follow the river to the chimps, turn left in the middle of the monkey zone, then follow the brick road to the main building, where the offices were.

Music lead him to a wooden terrace, where keepers were already standing, talking to one another. A large screen had been put up at the back, with technicians working around, pulling cables, testing the sound for the projection that would take place later.

Peeta looked around, nodding or waving at the keepers or technicians he had met - which turned out to be almost everyone present - but keeping himself apart from the growing crowd.

He knew he was hoping to spot a dark braid or silver eyes in the crowd, but was instead met by Finnick’s green eyes, a small smile on his lips.

“Find what you’re looking for, man?” the keeper winked, before turning around, searching the crowd until he spotted Finnick near the buffet. “Care to join us? Effie says the food is amazing.”

“I don’t know, Finn, I–”

“And I know for sure Katniss will be onto the buffet first thing,” Finnick interrupted him.

Peeta let out a sigh, before looking at the keeper. “Am I that obvious?”

“Na, don’t worry. But the red pandas are in my sector, remember?”

Peeta did remember the first time Katniss took him to see the small animals - the cutest in the zoo as per the visitors opinion - it had been an almost magical moment to see those balls of fur in the sunset. He might or might not have drawn the scene several times already.

“Come on, Peeta, she’ll be there. And they have cinnamon rolls… “

Peeta chuckled. “I hope they aren’t industrially made….”

“You’re not one of those food snobs, right?”

“No. I might come from a line of bakers though.”

“You do? Why haven’t you told us that before?” The rich, feminine voice took Peeta by surprise. He hadn’t heard anyone approaching Finnick and him, or felt a shift in the air at the presence of the woman he’d been looking for. Guess real life wasn’t like the movies, after all.

But Katniss was there, standing right next to him, looking at him as if she expected something - right, she had asked a question, if he could just remember what it was. He looked at the table in front of him.

“You never asked,” he finally answered. “I thought nobody cared.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Peeta. We care. We always have,” Katniss answered.

“You do?” He couldn’t help the question coming out of his mouth. Did she care enough?

“More than you–”

“Attention, please!” Effie’s voice broke the moment. Somehow, Finnick had disappeared in the crowd, but Peeta was completely unable to tell how and when. “If you would please gather and take a seat, we’re going to show you the first episode of the show! It’s called “At the Zoo!” Come, come!”

Effie’s enthusiasm was a perfect match to her outfit - s, pink and glittery, reminding Peeta of a European song contest he had caught on the internet a few years ago. He had needed a few drinks to get over the craziness of it all.

“You must be eager to see the footage you shot, right?” Katniss asked him as she started walking towards the makeshift stage in front of them, before noticing Peeta wasn’t following. “You don’t want to come?”

He could almost hear the words he craved lingering in the quiet… with me.

“Sure,” he answered instead, taking her lead, until she reached the rows of seats in front of the screen.

“Anywhere you want to sit?” Katniss asked him, again.

Wait - she was asking him where he wanted to sit?

“I thought we could be in the back?” she added, in a whisper, for his ears only.

“You want to sit together?”

“You don’t?” Katniss turned to face him, a scowl now apparent, as if she had heard something she didn’t like.

“Of course, but…. You’re not…” Peeta was looking for the right word. Disgusted, afraid, anxious passed through his mind, a constant reminder of who he had become.

Warms skin on his hand tore him apart from his thoughts. He lowered his eyes, to see it was Katniss’s hand, small and callused. He looked back at her, surprised by the intensity of her silver eyes.

“I’m not afraid of you, Peeta. Or whatever word crossed your mind right now. I want to sit with you, but only if you want to.”

He watched as she tucked a lock of wild hair behind her ear, as she lowered her eyes, shifting on her feet, as if she were unsure of him, of herself.

Peeta felt his brain working a mile a minute. She wanted to be next to him, even after everything. After seeing him break down not once, but twice… she touched him, in the dark, doing what he hadn’t dare initiate.

He felt something else surging through him. Something good, something he could name.

Hope.

–

They finally settled into two seats in the back, side by side. So close, but Peeta was itching to get even closer, to discover who Katniss was, to uncover every secret she had. She smelled like the wind, a mix of trees and flowers and something he couldn’t place, something utterly… Katniss. He wanted to bottle her scent and keep it with him forever.

A man was standing on the platform, in front of the screen, explaining that the station was trying a new format, with no interruption for commercials, that the program was kid-oriented and that he hoped they would enjoy the show.

The lights went out, he only illumination came from the stars above them.

Silence fell.

On the screen, colorful images and happy music accompanied the main theme, introducing some of the keepers and their animals.

As the first few minutes passed, showing the different keepers, their everyday tasks as well as the main animals, Peeta found himself smiling slightly at the images he knew were his own, recognizing a cut here and there, happy to see his footage again on the screen.

He felt like he was able to express himself, after so long. As if he had found his voice again.

Even if it was only for a kids’ zoo show.

His breathing became a bit deeper, a bit easier. As if a weight had been lifted from his chest. A weight he didn’t even know he was bearing.

He almost jumped out of his chair when he felt something brushing the side of his pinky finger.

He was barely more prepared when it happened again.

He didn’t dare move, in hopes he would feel it a third time.

He couldn’t focus on the screen anymore. All his attention was in the skin of his little finger. He closed his eyes as he felt it again, skin on skin, heat on heat.

Three times the charm, they say.

Maybe it was time to take a chance on life.

The panthers were roaring on the screen when he let his finger brush along Katniss’s for the first time. They were playing with an ice cube when he twined his fingers with hers.

–

Peeta didn’t want to leave the zoo.

The screening has been a success, the crowd cheering at the end, purely out of pride and joy of seeing the animals, the park and the keepers on screen.

He had spent the remainder of the screening holding Katniss’s hand, letting his thumb caress her skin repeatedly, until they both had to stand and follow the others to celebrate at the buffet.

They had been separated by the crowd, by their own coworkers who wanted to talk to them about the show, to celebrate, to think of what they could feature for another season if the public wanted to see more.

Peeta only wanted a few more minutes with Katniss.

Alone.

He could see her, lingering on the edge of the makeshift stage, in a conversation with Gale and his girlfriend. He wanted to get closer to her, talk to her, hold her hand again.

He didn’t dare hope for more.

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. He couldn’t see her anywhere.

Regret fell on him, as he realized she had left the scene, maybe even the park. Him.

His phone buzzed.

Two words shone in the night.

Panthera Leo.

He smiled.

Peeta excused himself quickly, before heading into the night.

He wound his way through the labyrinth of the zoo, until he reached the familiar pen.

The lion was sleeping peacefully under the stars, his broad mane spread around him, the very picture of the king of animals.

“Took you long enough…” her voice whispered in the dark. She was somewhere around, in the shadows of the bamboos around him

“I thought you had left.” He hoped his voice wasn’t shaking.

“I thought you weren’t coming…”

“Katniss…. Where are you?”

She didn’t answer. He was looking around at the trees, squinting to try to find her.

He didn’t need to.

He felt her hand on his shoulder, slowly sliding down his arm, until her palm met his, until her fingers linked with his, again. He felt the joy spreading in his body, as he turned, taking her all in. Eyes shining in the grey of the moon, hair glistening with the rays of the stars, her skin glowing.

He only wanted to get even closer to her.

He leaned into her, until his forehead touched hers.

He knew he should pull away, he really did try to step away from her embrace. Something was holding him into the now and then, into the moment. Maybe it was her hands on him, maybe it was his treacherous heart, maybe it was his mind, so much clearer now after his weeks at the zoo, after his weeks next to her.

She didn’t let go of him, though, looking straight into his eyes.

“What are we doing?” Peeta whispered, to the night, to the stars, to her. “I’m… I’m damaged goods, Katniss… We shouldn’t…” he stuttered, not sure what to say anymore. “I shouldn’t be here, with you…”

She shut him up, putting her index fingers on his lips. She didn’t break the connection they had, their foreheads still touching, as if she didn’t want to break the bubble they were in.

“We’re all damaged, Peeta. I was broken once too. Am I damaged goods?”

“No!”

“Then why do you call yourself damaged goods?”

“You don’t know what I went through, Katniss…” he whispered. He could hear the pain in his voice.

“Then you’ll tell me. Not today, when you’re ready. You don’t know what I went through either…. But someday, I’ll tell you.”

“Are you sure you will want to know?” he whispered.

“Yes.” Katniss said, a definitive answer as he felt her hair, like a caress on his skin - her braid had shifted with the wind, whispers of hair touching his jaw.

“You really want to know?”

She didn’t answer. He felt her hands, small, warm on his cheeks, anchoring him more to the moment.

He could see through the will in her grey eyes, the spark, and something more - he wasn’t sure what it was… he did not dare… hope.

Hope.

To have a life back, starting there, in the zoo, with her.

He thought Afghanistan had burned all his hopes.

Turned out a dark-haired falconer could just restore them.

“I want to know, Peeta,” she whispered. “But only when you’re ready - and if–” she looked him straight in the eyes, “if you want to tell me. If… if you want me?”

Her voice was barely above a whisper - meant for his ears only. Not for the quiet of the night, or the animals nearby. Not for the birds in the trees, singing their laments to the sun, or for the moon, appearing in the shadows of the sun.

Just for him.

She asked if he wanted her.

Her.

There was nothing he wanted more.

He nodded - just a simple move of his chin.

She smiled.

She took the final breath of air between them, pressing her lips firmly to his.

Just a whisper of a kiss before she pulled away.

He knew he was selfish, wanting more. So much more. Peeta wanted her lips on him forever, wanted to live in her mouth - that’s where he knew he belonged.

He lifted his hands to cup her face, using his thumbs to caress her cheeks, giving her plenty of time to move away from him, if she chose to. He let his eyes meet hers, let himself got lost in the grey that was shining, expectant.

This time, he was the one who pressed his lips to hers, who tasted the beer on her, who started mapping her mouth, taking his time exploring, tasting, teasing. He was drunk on her, she was becoming an addiction he never would be able to give up.

He let his tongue taste her too, surprised when she immediately opened her mouth to him, swallowing her moan, losing himself in her a bit more.

He kissed her until his lungs screamed for oxygen.

Then they kissed again.

#Everlark #Everlark fan fic #Everlark fanfiction #everlark fanfic #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #At the zoo #things I write

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nextgennews-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Frida: Be Yourself by Allyson Elliott

Magdalena Carmen Frida Kahlo y Calderon: if you somehow don't know her name, I'm sure you know her face.

Frida was born July 6, 1907, and has become one of the most iconic figures of our time 110 years later, predominately in the feminist movement. How, do you ask? She believed in the equality of all sexes and classes. She interpreted and portrayed shamelessly not only many intimate moments of the female condition but of the human experience as a whole. Regardless of actual fact she insisted on claiming July 7, 1910 for her true birth date as to be unequivocally aligned with the birth of the Mexican Revolution, one of the lesser ways she determined the truth of her own life.

“They thought I was a Surrealist, but I wasn’t. I never painted dreams. I painted my own reality.”

She had an undeniable tenacity in the face of a life filled with a myriad of physical pain and emotional turmoil. At the age of 6 she was diagnosed with polio leaving her with a limp she would carry the rest of her life. She experienced a nearly fatal trolley accident at the age of 18, which she survived but suffered numerous injuries. The severity of which would incite over 30 surgeries through the course of her life and rendered her incapable of bearing children. Heartbreaking as it is, we can thank that fateful accident for instigating Kahlo’s love of painting. She was confined to a bed in a full body cast for months with nothing to do but consume herself in her art. “I was Born a Bitch. I was Born a Painter” and no one dare combat her on this or any front. She died at the mere age of 47. In her brief lifetime she received acclaim though nothing compared to the persona she now embodies.

She loved herself as all of us should. Never giving way to conventional standards of beauty by plucking or shaving a single hair on her body. She boldly broke convention and never drifted away from who she wanted to be; you could take it or leave it. Her first painting was of herself: "Self-Portrait in a Velvet Dress."

On the back of the canvas Frida wrote in German “Heute ist immer noch,” meaning “Today is always.” She lived in the moment and mostly for herself.

“The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration.”

Her passion for painting was spurred by her need to express and vent her frustrations making it challenging to separate Frida’s personal life from her artwork (not that it necessarily should be.) Many artists often return to beloved themes, Frida’s most beloved was herself. An oeuvre containing 143 paintings, 55 of which were self portraits. “I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.”

One of Kahlo’s most famous and brutally honest works is that of “The Broken Column”

“My painting carries with it the message of pain.” Depicted here crying in anguish from the injuries she had endured. She is split in two with her stable spine replaced by decaying stone. She experienced chronic pain the entirety of her life but never hid behind it. She embraced those cracks as part of who she was and only became stronger for it. Nails pierce her body and face, and yet despite her tears she gazes straight at the viewer as if to defy any weakness.

However, her vulnerability manifested in a similar manner to that of many women today: a man. I am not by any means a man hating feminist and neither was Frida, I say this as for many years she was overshadowed and seen only as the wife of renowned muralist Diego Rivera. Frida and Diego’s marriage was tempestuous to say the least. “There have been two great accidents in my life. One was the trolley and the other was Diego. Diego was by far the worst.” Countless affairs were had on both sides, Frida with both men and women, neither party exerted much effort to conceal their infidelities from the other and yet with this quote she seemingly views herself as the victim. Perhaps it is due to Diego’s most monstrous betrayal. That of a lustful love affair between him and her sister, resulting in their subsequent divorce.

As a result of this deception one of Frida’s greatest masterpieces was created. “Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird”

Multiple interpretations are seen in many of her works through symbolism born intensely in her imagery. This particular composition has a slew of interpretations in and of itself. Bearing an unraveled crown of thorns as a necklace drawing blood as they penetrate her flesh dripping to a pristine white frock presents her in a martyr like fashion. It may be a wit hypocritical, as she too had her fair share of lovers. She was duped by both husband and sister. I’d say there are worse things she could do than claim no fault in the matter. The hummingbird indicative of freedom, luck in love, sometimes war, and perhaps even emblematic of Frida herself, dangles lifelessly. A fervent picture of her soul, no doubt. The Monkey on her back (both literally and figuratively) was a personal pet, and gift from Diego (literally and figuratively.) Also symbolic of the devil and animal sexuality. Sitting opposite a black cat, symbol of bad luck and death. Is this a representation of Good vs. Evil? If so which is Good, which is Evil? Feasibly, The Spirit vs. The Flesh? Which side should she choose? Maybe neither. The Butterflies have been said to represent her own resurrection. Considering this and the fact that the couple remarried only one year following their divorce, I believe she chose the path of forgiveness and she knew she would all along. The heart wants what the heart wants and the pain of losing Diego possibly was worse than the pain caused by his scandalous acts. “At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” Diego might have been her biggest weakness but she loved him and it took great strength of will be able to accept these facts and move forward. Embracing the life she wished to lead against the judgement of others.

Due to her brutal and unforgiving honesty Frida redefined the personal as political and believed to be painting ‘Revolutionary Realism’. Her Cultural Nationalism is reflected in her "Mexicanidad" (love of things Mexican). Placing an emphasis on Pre-Columbian traditions in an effort to purify the effects of colonization in Mexico and reclaim lost traditional values of the civilization. Yet the intensity of her personal life frequently eclipses the profoundly intelligent woman, utterly brilliant technical painter, and devout Communist/Stalinist that she was.

Fridamania first struck, hard, in the mid 1980’s but over the past few years there has been a definite resurgence in her popularization. Her image is plastered indelibly on every style of merchandise you can imagine. Posters, shoes, coasters, bags and inspiration from her styling expanding further everyday. Numerous exhibitions have surfaced not only of her works but of artists directly inspired by her paintings and personality as well as recreations of her home and belongings. Just last spring she joined the ranks of the top 10 highest selling female artists when one of her paintings sold for 8 million dollars at auction. She undoubtedly deserved every inch of this praise, still how is it that in a day an age where information is at the beck and call of our fingertips Frida’s love of herself had been trivialized with proclamations titling her “Queen/Mother of the selfie”. Outwardly her body of art is once more dwarfed by her personal life when they truly they are one in the same and should be viewed and appreciated side by side. However, because she embodied self-empowerment, if her image or artwork has reached and resonated with you in one way or another I believe she would want me to leave you with this final thought. “I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

#frida kahlo #art #feminism #self portrait #fridamania #allysonelliott #writing

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letterstoocean · 8 years ago

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my ocean,

more of the story...

The Tracks

I used to walk the railroad tracks to school. They made the time fly by on an otherwise horrible walk. I hated school. We had moved so much that I couldn’t catch up no matter how hard I tried. So I stopped trying.

And that, along with how I dressed and spoke, made the teachers and most of the students hate me even more. There is always one poor stinky kid in the class and this time it was me.

There was nothing more painful than that long walk where you were going. School was a prison. For me, there was no parole, even if we moved, it would just be the same prison with different guards in a different place.

Watching the tracks made the dead man walking not so bad. I would keep my head down and watch my feet touch each railroad tie and daydream. Just when the thoughts would be getting good, I would be at school. And I could spend the rest of the day developing a story.

It kept me quiet.

It kept me from getting noticed. It usually kept me from getting in trouble. Or if some one was picking on me I could just lose myself in my self until they were done.

The day before, several fifth graders ganged up on me in the bathroom and almost stuffed my head in the toilet; if another student hadn’t walked in I’m sure I would have received a urine shampoo.

I was almost to the point where the tracks met the road that connects to the school when I saw the same fifth graders standing in the weeds smoking cigarettes. One of them looked up and right at me.

Oh shit!

I ran down the hill and into some tall weeds. I stepped in a giant fire ant hill but kept on going without stopping to brush them off. The ants would do less damage than the kids.

Never looking back, I sprinted through the weeds through a field and onto a road I had never seen before.

I kept running until I thought for sure that no one was behind me. With my hands on my knees, heart beating in my throat, sides hurting so much that I was certain I knew what a heart attack was.

I felt the searing pain of the ants. Trying not to scream, I took my shoe and sock off and started brushing them away.

The first day we were in Texas I learned the hard way about the ants. I was playing in a field, saw the giant sand mound and thought I would build some sand castles or tunnels. I plunged my hands into the mound and within seconds there were thousands of ants crawling up my arms biting and stinging at the giant talking monkey that had disturbed their domain.

The old lady that lived next door came outside with a gallon of milk. “Learned the hard way, eh?" She poured the milk over my arms. “Those arms are going to puss for a couple of days.”

Since I didn’t have any milk this time, I did the best I could. After clearing my body of all of satans minions, I looked up to find myself standing in the parking lot of the local library.

School had already started and I didn’t want to go back. I had missed so much already without a parent’s phone call or note that if I went in late they would call mom. We still had the address of our old place on record and we lived way out of this schools district and mom was trying to keep me in the same school, at least as long she could.

She warned me not to let anyone know where we lived. That phone call would be the death of me in more ways than one. I thought I could hide out in the library until I thought of something.

I walked through the door and was greeted by a kind blue haired old lady who welcomed me to the Pearland Library. She asked if she could help me find anything and I asked her where the restroom was.

“Young man, I hope you are here for more than just the restroom. Books can be a wonderful thing.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m here to read but I really have to go to the restroom. It was a long walk here.”

She smiled and pointed me in the right direction. I went into the restroom, pulled off my socks and shoes and stood in the sink as cold water ran over my legs easing some of the pain that the fire ants had caused.

After soaking for a couple of seconds I dried my feet off, put my shoes back on and roamed the library getting a feel for where the books were.

I have and always will love the smell of books. That smell in itself is a magic to me. The older the books are and the more hands have caressed them and eyes have gazed over them, the better they smell and the stronger the feel is in them.

I took a stack of books and went all the way in the back. Just in case the wrong eyes were wondering why I wasn’t in school. I found a nice empty big oak table in the poetry section.

Lost in my stack of books at first I didn’t hear the woman crying in the next aisle over. It was just background noise. As I finished an Encyclopedia Brown book and was wondering what to read next, I heard sniffles again and this time I realized some one was crying. I crept over to the shelf and pulled out several books to get a peek.

A woman was sitting at the table with a box of Kleenexes reading a book by a guy named Pablo Neruda. She was beautiful. Seeing her cry made me sad and I wanted to go around ask her if she was okay. But since I was supposed to be in school, I didn't want to push my luck and decided against it. I watched her for a couple of more minutes then returned the books in the right place.

My decision was not to go back to school. I would stay in the library everyday. The neighbor we lived next door to was an alcoholic that worked second shift. Every morning by eight am. he was passed out cold and left his house unlocked. I started sneaking in and packing myself a lunch from his fridge. With food taken care of I would walk the tracks to the library road and stay there until the end of school. I was gambling that we would be moving soon and wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences if they should happen.

I saw the woman there everyday. Sometimes she would sit and read. Sometimes she would cry. Other times she would gaze at the ceiling in a daydream. No matter what she did, I loved watching her. I could hear her music inside of her. It was very faint, but I could hear it.

One day I got the courage to sit at the same table as her. Greeting her with a shy smile, I wanted her to know that I wasn’t just another loud kid and if she wouldn’t mind I would just sit here quietly. I said all of that with my shy smile. I hoped. She smiled back and returned to her book.

One day I looked up one of the books she was reading: Pablo Neruda, Passions and Impressions, and sat down at our table and began to read it. After awhile I began to read it out loud. Practicing each word coming off my lips. I guess I wanted to hear what made her cry, but be so happy at the same time. Because I didn't understand how that was possible.

As I finished the last of the love poems, I looked up and saw her standing there, leaning on a book shelf. She was smiling with her arms crossed.

“Nice.” she said and sat down with a new book.

I smiled back and read some more.

I never officially talked to her. I didn’t want to. I think I was more in love with the woman I had created as I watched her read. Perhaps she revealed to me humanistic things that perhaps she never showed any one else. They were vulnerable moments that only we shared.

Much like (Dawn) as I sat in the tree and watched her masturbate.

I wanted to write about her. I wanted her to read it. But I didn’t want to give it to her. I wanted her to maybe find it in one of the books or read it over my shoulder. To read it and know I was writing to her without writing about her.

So it was to this woman who I didn’t really know but believed I heard her voice sing inside of me that I wrote my first set of poems. My tablet, though never used for homework, was used many times for stories, poems and sketches that really began that day.

I read countless books of poetry that she read. Pablo Neruda, T.S. Eliot. E.E. Cummings. And then I wrote my first poems down.

I laid the first stone

in your water

and have since

enjoyed, loved, embraced

each ripple

each wave

after

I need a kiss. I need a kiss

from a woman to dull the

edge of this sharp day. I need

a kiss to escape.

I need to watch her close

the distance between us, I need

my soul to tremble. I need

to anticipate her dominating

this moment where I lose

my soul as she breathes deep

and my domination fades.

I just want

than

anything

to stand in your light

and shine.

Then I sat down and closed my eyes. Remembering the sirens and how I could hear them inside of me. I did the same thing with the woman at the table. I waited until I could hear her inside of me..

“A part of me is wishing that you will create me when I began to undress in front of you. Seeing me in the way I wanted you as I saw myself in your eyes. A part of me will always hold on to that. But the part of me that needs this knows as I sit on the edge of this tub soaking wet and lost in her own life knows that you are drawing me for what I want to be. And I know I will hate you for this and I know this is going to make me what want you more. And yet you just keep drawing as I talk…………………….”

I arrived before she did and sat at the far end of the table and spread the papers around the table. Not directly in front of where she sat, but if she wanted to she could reach over and read them. I lost myself in my book which helped cut down on the anticipation of her showing up.

I did this for three days and was giving up hope and began to believe that my time with the pretty lady was over. On the fourth day I had just got the papers spread out on the table and was into my book when, she walked up to the table, gave me the soft smile and sat down with her Kleenex, Gary Snyder and Allen Ginsburg.

I stuck my nose deeper in my book which I’m sure was obvious and kept peeking over my book to see if she was reading them.

I heard her scoot out her chair and scoop up her belongings and as I was looking up to see if the poems were gone. She walked up behind me, tilted my head back and kissed me on the forehead, “you’re a sweetie.”

That weekend we moved again. But the ride was a dream as I filled up my tablet with poems, stories, and drawings that she inspired.

A woman whose name I never knew inspired me, showed me so many new things, books I would have never read if it hadn’t been for her. She taught me to listen, not just with my ears, but with my eyes, my heart, and after I listened. To make it music that other people could hear.

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