#because of the “Crying 'how did I cause so much harm?'” lyric | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amberjazmyn · 5 months ago

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make you feel my love 🫶💔🥹

pairing : max verstappen x fem!reader, lando norris x fem!reader, oscar piastri x fem!reader and charles leclerc x fem!reader

summary : through the lyrics of shane filan's "make you feel my love" we see four of the f1 grid (m. verstappen, l.norris, o.piastri and c.leclerc) loving their partner through everything and anything

warnings : tears, fluff, workplace harrassment due to gender, mentions of abuse, mentions of illness and dodgy google translations

a/n : this came out of nowhere lol, please enjoy! also bold italics is lyrics, italics is like flashbacks and everything else is the regular font. remember, don't forget to reblog and comment. you can also request one-shots as well!

max verstappen:

when the rain is blowin' in your face and the whole world is on your case, i could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.

today had been the worst day in the world for you and you wish you could understand why. first off, it was raining cats and dogs outside, so loud you personally thought your work building would collapse in on itself and it utterly terrified you. and two, it seemed as though your whole office building and everyone inside of it was on your case and trying to nit-pick at every little thing you did, whether that was in regards to you doing your job properly or just breathing, someone in your office had something to say about it and it almost made you want to scream. but, you remembered you actually liked this job and didn't want to lose it all because you lost control once at a time when you were defending yourself from everyone else's ridicule and judgement. even though you were one of only five women working this specific job, you still loved it even though it was a male-dominated job. you knew that when things like this happened, when the rain was blowing in your face and the whole world was on your case that your boyfriend, max, would offer you a warm embrace, making you feel his undying love for you.

however, he still hadn't returned from the monaco grand prix so unfortunately, your boyfriend wasn't going to be home the same time you returned home from work. so, you just sucked those tears back up and pushed on through the rest of the work day, only hoping that no one else would try to test you otherwise you would start to bawl your eyes and not have the ability to stop. cause once you start, you could find it quite difficult for yourself to stop crying.

continuing your customer service job, which truthfully you didn't need due to your boyfriend's extravagent job, you still loved it. it started to eventually come to the end of your work shift when you and the two other work colleagues that were incessant on causing you to almost have a mental breakdown, because of your gender, were called in for a meeting with the boss. and you just hoped it wasn't you getting yelled at again because you couldn't deal with that. and, you somehow managed a shaky breath of relief when you saw the body language your boss had in regards to your colleagues in comparison to you.

"---sir, i'm sorry but, what on earth are we doing in here with...her?" the older work colleague of yours jeered with attitude in his voice as your boss gave him a sharp look whilst you stayed silent, looking anywhere but at your boss and the two other colleagues

"pourquoi penses-tu, todd ?" your boss matched todd's attitude in french (since they were in monaco, dutch was not the main langauge spoken) as the man stepped down as he gulped before your boss couldn't stop himself from continuing but in english why do you think, todd?

"why do you both think it's okay to constantly bother y.n when she's just peacefully doing her job like everyone else, just like she's supposed to? don't you ever get tired of being incessant bullies? don't you ever think that i can actually hear all this bullying and abuse that you're aiming at y.n? do you ever step back and think to yourself how much stress and harm you are putting on her? do you ever step back and wonder if your words actually cause harm to your fellow work colleagues or are you just so ignorant that you no longer care anymore? because that's what i think of you todd and of you as well, richard, and i wish i had found out about this earlier so i could have let you both go before it could have escalated this far. and y.n, i am so incredibly sorry that it's taken this long for me to take action because this behaviour...this genderphobic misogynistic behaviour is never and will never be tolerated in my workplace, not today, not ever! so, todd, richard, it's with my greatest pleasure that today is your final day at this job and you will be fired because how you behave towards your other work colleagues is simply not tolerable any longer. i'd like to say i wish you both the best but, i'd honestly be lying if i said that so, let's hope the next time i have to see or hear about either of you, you guys' heads will have been removed out of arses. but in saying that, i don't have high hopes for that either...grab your things the both of you and leave, i want you guys clocked out and out of the building before the end of the day..." the boss was no longer allowing this abusive behaviour and you couldn't help but feel thankful to him, it was also quite hilarious to see how todd and richard reacted

for those who wanted a mental image of the way these two grown ass adults reacted to their firing was them basically throwing fits in the way a child would if they were told no, you cannot play on the tablet (child's name) your screen time for the day has finished. as much as you wanted to laugh, you found yourself not being able to because you were just so exhausted from this long and quite frankly traumatic day that you just wanted it to be over so you could go home and cacoon yourself in blankets on the couch as you then wait for your boyfriend max to return home from the monaco grand prix. but then you remembered that you still had a job to finish and, just as you went to leave your boss's office, he stopped you.

"...oh, y.n, before i let you go, i am terribly sorry that you had to deal with todd and richard constantly on your case today and every other day. you didn't deserve it and it was completely unwarranted every single time, no if's, no buts, no nothing. i wish i had done this firing sooner because they truly don't deserve a place in my workplace if they are being disrespectful to my fellow employees just because of their gender which is something that is of course, not easily changeable. also, if you wish to, i give you full permission to clock out earlier today since i know how exhausted you are from all of their abuses you've recieved. all i ask is that if you do leave early, that i get a text message reassuring me that you've got home safely and another one when max gets home from the grand prix since i remember you telling me that he returns back tonight because i want to know that you're being taken care of properly, okay?" tears welled in your eyes as you smiled, making eye contact with your boss as you nodded your head

"thank you sir. all of this has been well appreciated and, i'll be leaving work early since i don't think i feel like i'm in the right headspace to continue so, i'll clock out early. and, i promise, as soon as i get home and then as soon as max gets home, you'll be receiving text messages from me, don't worry. again, thank you for firing todd and richard and for sticking up for me, i know everyone else has but, having you also stick up for me just makes it a little bit better..." you trailed off as your boss nodded his head and watched as you left his office, a little less of the world weighing you down as you walked out then what you had when you walked in

let's just say you were happily surprised and relieved when you came home to see your boyfriend already home with his arms open ready to comfort you whilst you just unloaded on him after sending a message letting your boss know you had got home safely and that max too was there with his arms open waiting.

lando norris:

i know you haven't made your mind up yet but i would never do you wrong. i've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in mind where you belong.

you hated being in this position. your childhood best friend, lando norris (yes the lando norris from formula 1 was your childhood best friend) had just professed his undying and neverending love for you just hours before he was to leave for the japanese grand prix yet, you couldn't give him a yes or no answer. so, you just stood there, in the loungeroom of your childhood best friend's house, like an utter loser as you just stared at your best friend.

"...umm, i...i'm sorry what...what did you just say lando?" you managed to finally stammer out as lando let out a shaky breath, letting you know he was about to cry and you hated it - you hated being the reason that your best friend was crying

you could tell that lando didn't want to repeat himself and was about to leave so you stepped forward and grabbed his hand, "no, don't...please don't leave lando...i just, i know what you said, i heard it but i just...can i...maybe...have some time to think about my answer?" you stammered out as you held lando's hand tighter as his tears started to trickle down his cheeks as his lip trembled

"umm...yeah, sure....that...that's fine, y.n. i...i'm sorry, i shouldn't...i shouldn't have put you on the spot like that i just...i wanted to tell you before i leave for japan and i just...truthfully, i panicked and i just--"

"--hey, lando, calm down bubs. it's fine, you didn't put me on the spot, i just wasn't expecting it but, that doesn't mean i shouldn't not have expected it at all either. but, i'm still okay to think about my answer?" you reassured lando as he nodded his head to your question of still wanting to think about your answer and if it was okay

"yeah, absolutely, you can think about your answer, take as long or as little as you want. there is no timetable whatsoever, i just wanted to tell you before i left so, yeah..." lando smiled shyly, wiping away some extra tears off his cheeks as you smiled and moved closer

"...yeah, i get it lan. you didn't want to leave anything unsaid before leaving so you said it all now, it wouldn't be the first time we've done this. because, if i remember right, we had a similar if not same exact conversation when we were sixteen and seventeen right before you left for f2 and i gave you the same exact answer except, i never gave you the answer to your question but, this time, i promise i will because i think this time i'm ready to accept the truth and not be selfish anymore..." you trailed off, giving a quick kiss to lando's head leaving him confused as he turned around

"...selfish? you're never selfish, y.n..." lando whispered but you still heard it and you smiled as you opened the front door

"...i never intended to but, yes, i was this time lan. have fun during the race and i'll be there at the airport waiting for you and the grid to come home!" you smiled and left without another word as lando was still confused but didn't try to pursue anything more since he was needed at the airport within minutes

°•. ✿ .•°

lando had been having the best time in japan for the japanese grand prix. by the end of the race, whilst he didn't podium, he still got p5 and got a few points for mclaren with oscar piastri, the second mclaren driver getting p8 and also getting points for the team. but, even all that fun couldn't stop the fear of what your answer to his question was going to be when he reunites with you later tonight in london heathrow airport. he loved you dearly, you both knew this since like mentioned earlier, it wasn't the first time lando had professed his more than platonic love for you and you had rejected his advances and honestly, looking back on your sixteen-year-old self now as a twenty-three-year-old, you thought it was quite selfish as you remembered the same tearful, devastated face that little seventeen-year-old lando shared with the same but older, twenty-four-year-old lando the second time you "rejected" him. you couldn't keep on pretending that you too hadn't fallen head over heels in love with lando like he had with you because, you really had fallen in love with him. and probably first fell in love with him when you truthfully first met him when you guys were in primary school, never realising it until you were sixteen, when lando first tried to ask you out after expressing his love for you. you knew he would never do you wrong and would treat you like an absolute queen, seriously, he had seen you be mistreated since you were sixteen, after he left for europe and formula 1 and it bothered him so bad that he couldn't do anything to stop it. even after he pleaded with his dad, adam, to keep an extra close eye on you to make sure there were no physical injuries, you still refused to believe that your ex-boyfriends were abusive and bad because you didn't want to believe you were in love with your childhood best friend who you'd known since first grade in primary school.

except, now that you had the conversation a second time with lando at an older and slightly more mature age and just before you two would be apart for the best of a few months, you finally realised you couldn't be selfish anymore and you could no longer hide your true affection for lando anymore. so you didn't want to hide it anymore. as you impatiently waited at london heathrow airport with lily, oscar piastri's girlfriend, you went back and forth in your mind of how you were going to tell lando that in fact, you too were in love with him and you wanted to be with him for as long as forever. but, just as you could think up of what you wanted to say to lando, you heard lily let out the loudest scream in the world, lily yanking on your hand as you looked up.

and all of a sudden, you couldn't stop your hand from sliding out of lily's or your legs from moving forward. bursting out into tears, you ran as fast as you could as you barely noticed the way lando's face lit up in excitement and slight anxiousness as you ran closer to him. since you were a loud crier, you basically had the entire arrivals terminal staring at you. and it wasn't just because there was a whole ass stampede of formula one teams returning home. via a normal commerical airplane and walking through a regular airport terminal in replacement of a private one right at the back of the airport. where no one else of the public would see them return home and potentially infiltrate them.

you finally got closer to lando who quickly dropped his duffle bag and opened his arms knowing you were going to jump into them. since it was something you always did from when you were younger. however, this time, it was different and he couldn't understand why until...

...you grabbed his face and kissed him in the most passionate way you had ever kissed anyone before in your entire life. lando, at first, of course was shell-shocked and understandably, mortified. but, as soon as he tasted the saltiness of the tears streaming down your cheeks on his lips, he didn't hesitate a second longer and started kissing you back. as cheers, applauses and wolf-whistles galore filled the arrival terminal at london heathrow airport as lando's team of mclaren, oscar piastri and their team principal watched on. lily holding tightly onto her own boyfriend with the biggest smile on her face. all of them happy that lando would no longer have to be devastated or fearful of his best friend not reciprocating her obvious love for him anymore.

"...i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you lando! i love you so fucking much and i am so sorry for being so selfish not telling you. i didn't really need time to think ahout my answer, i just said those things because i didn't want to allow myself to believe that i was in love with my best friend and it was so selfish of me and i cannot believe i made you cry like that and i just wish i could---"

kissing you again, lando pulled apart this time after initiating the second kiss, "---shut up will you, y.n, you really must love the sound of your voice if you're still too thick in the head to think i don't forgive you because i do forgive you. believe me, it took me way too long to pull my own head out of my arse because i also refused to believe that i was in love with my best friend as well. but, i put on my big boy pants and i told you two times, once when i was seventeen and about to leave for europe and the second time when i was twenty-four and leaving for the japanese grand prix because i didn't want to leave you without thinking i had forgotten anything. and i didn't because i told you that i was head over heels in love with you and unlike anyone else i'd ever loved before. and it broke my heart hearing you say you needed more time to think about it even though you had given me the same answer the first time and actually never gave me a response because you just couldn't face it at the time. and that's okay because this time you did and i couldn't have loved you anymore y.n. i mean...i...i've known it from the moment we met and there was no doubt in my mind where you belong and that's with me and no one else..." lando trailed off, tears welling in his eyes as you smiled as you initiated a third and one last kiss as the both of you couldn't stop laughing and crying and hugging each other

although it had taken years upon years of selfishly pretending you weren't in love with your best friend, you were glad it had taken until the japanese grand prix to kick your arse and head into gear as well as your head being removed from your arse and realise that you couldn't be selfish anymore. and you had to acknowledge that you couldn't fall in love with someone else because it was always going to be lando. and now, as you held tightly onto one another as you walked through london heathrow airport with the rest of the mclaren team and lily, you couldn't be any happier with your life now that you had lando with you forever and he was more than just your "childhood best friend".

oscar piastri:

i'd go hungry, i'd go black and blue, i'd go crawling down the avenue. no, there's nothin' that i wouldn't do, to make you feel my love

you struggled to believe it. oscar utterly refused to believe it. and he wished there was something he could have done to prevent it from happening...

"...mr piastri...did you hear what i just said?" oscar lifted his head up from staring at the carpeted floor in your, his wife's oncologist's office, with eyes that couldn't lie - your husband hadn't been listening at all to anything your oncologist had just said during the entire duration of them being in there

"ah, no i...i didn't, sorry, what were we talking about doctor marshall?" oscar gulped as he squeezed your hand tighter as you smiled with a soft and tenderness at him as doctor marshall smiled too

"don't apologise mr piastri, things like this can happen, especially because of how difficult it can be to comprehend your spouse having what can turn into a terminal illness, a lot of spouses will often pretend they didn't hear the diagnosis because they don't want to believe that their other half could be so sick..."

oh, that's why they were visiting doctor marshall. he was giving a diagnosis to you, oscar's wife, in regards to all the blood tests and other scans that you had been doing after you had been dealthly sick. and no one, not even your local gp in london, could provide you with an answer so they referred you over to doctor marshall in bristol. oscar had completely forgotten about that since he had been worrying about everything else that he couldn't even remember why he was in bristol with his wife and almost bursting out into tears in doctor marshall's office.

"...oh, umm, doctor marshall, will...is y.n able to undergo rounds of chemotherapy or any other form of can...treatment for her illness?" oscar stammered out as tears started to get him choked up as you stayed stoic and comforted your husband - you had a feeling that this doctor's appointment wouldn't be a happy and easy one to get through

"now, mr piastri, of course she is able to. we always suggest that the smartest and most logical idea, especially when we detect and diagnose the cancer early that going through treatment will give us and your wife the highest rate of surviving her cancer which is what we want. but, of course, we can't just force y.n to undergo treatment just for our own selfish needs. it has to be of her own wishes and accord because we don't know if the person suffering with the illness really wants to go through the process of the treatment and its side effects that it comes with as well as the long and constant hospital stays as an inpatient. so, if the both of you need some time to hash it out, i am absolutely fine with giving you guys a chance to chat and decide whether or not you, y.n, would like to go through with treatment or if you don't and after that, we can go from there, alright?" doctor marshall explained as you and oscar nodded your heads as you held each others hands tighter

"thanks, doctor marshall, we shouldn't take long..." you trailed off for the first time since the beginning of the appointment as you could hear your husband attempt to quieten his sobs as his body shook, his free hand covering his mouth as his eyes clamped shut tight

you knew this was breaking your husbands heart, you guys had lost your mum to cancer not too long ago just before formula 1 returned after their summer break and now, he had to go through that all over again with his wife? how on earth was that fair to oscar? it wasn't, it wasn't fair at all. however, you were determined to survive and beat your cancer for your mum who wasn't able to. you were determined to get to the end of your chemotherapy and ring that goddamn bell at the end of it all for those who never got to.

reaching over doctor marshall's desk to the tissue box, you grabbed a few and handed them to your husband as he wetly giggled, grabbing one of them and wiping his tears after pocketing the others, "...thanks babe..." he muttered as you kissed his temple softly as you continued to squeeze his hand comfortingly

"...so, doctor marshall wants us to discuss the idea of me going through treatment, so, how do you feel about me doing that?" you questioned, your head tilting to the side as oscar looked at you as though you were insane - which, in fairness, you were a little bit but, that's why oscar fell in love with you in the first place

"why are you asking me this, y.n? how do you the one who's actually going to through it, feel about it? this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you, just like doctor marshall said. just because i may want and heavily suggest you do it, if you don't want to do it, i respect your decision and will do everything i can do to make this journey easier for you! this is not my decision to ultimately make, babe!" oscar's tears were still heard in his voice although his sobs had calmed down as you sighed and nodded your head, smiling softly

"okay. well, it wasn't a hard decision, osc. i want to go through with the chemotherapy, especially because doctor marshall said that we caught it early that i have a higher chance of surviving. i...i want to ring that bell at the end of chemo because mummy never got to ring that bell and i want to do that. i can't bare the thought of you losing another person you love with your entire beating heart to cancer because that's just unfair. especially when you had no idea that she was living with it until her death. so, it's best i start now when it's still early in the cancer to do so..." you trailed off, your heart breaking as your husband's sobs returned at the mention of your mum, his mother-in-law's death to cancer alongside the possibility of his own wife losing her cancer battle as well

"...i can't either, y.n. i can't lose you either! i barely survived losing your mum, i can't lose you too! i don't want to!" oscar sobbed as he folded in on himself, his pain immeasurable as you reached over the chair's arm and hugged your husband as tightly as you possibly could as he wept

"you won't lose me baby! i'm going to get through this cancer, i'm gonna ring that bloody bell and then we're going to rest and then after that, we're gonna have as many kids as we possibly can and we're gonna live happily ever after, i promise..."

°•. ✿ .•°

...psh, yeah, happily ever after my arse! once again, almost like a coda to the day you were diagnosed with cancer, you were stoic and unemotional whilst oscar, your husband was almost weepy at doctor marshall's check-up with you at the cancer hospital in downtown bristol. for some context, not too long after that doctor's appointment where you were first officially diagnosed, within a month, you were admitted to bristol's cancer hospital as an in-patient so you could start your cancer treatment basically straight away to give you the best chance of survival and eliminating the cancer all together. whilst oscar had to sadly return back to formula 1 and the grand prixs, making sure that he'd return straight back to bristol when given permission to do so by his team principal at mclaren.

however, this is where the "pssh, yeah, happily ever after my arse!" comes from because, just this last couple weeks, you'd been blindsided with a dangerous infection in your bloodstream which nearly rendered you into a coma if the nurses hadn't noticed in time. and, even though, like your cancer, the nurses caught the infection early, it still didn't stop you from being in dangerous waters. so, you had to constantly fight every single day by forcing yourself to keep your eyes open, to eat, to drink and to walk around the upper cancer unit for ten minutes a day before returning back to your hospital room so you could then spend a couple of hours with oscar and someone else that he'd invite to come with him. the "someone else" was usually his mclaren teammate lando norris or your childhood friend's charles leclerc from ferrari and red bull's max verstappen. but today, it was all three of them because your oncology team had a terrible gut feeling and whilst they wished it to be a false alarm, they wanted to make sure oscar had enough people around him to comfort him if their gut feeling was to follow through and come true. thank god there was a three week break between the grand prix that just occured and the next one coming up because there was no way that all four f1 drivers would get away with missing a grand prix as unfortunate as it sounds.

oscar was currently sitting uncomfortably, with his legs crossed like when you were kids at primary school sitting on the floor, his right elbow resting on the arm of the chair and his left arm stretching over to hold yours as you rested, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, your chest ever so slightly rising and falling tucked away under the sheets of your hospital bed. tears were constantly threatening to dribble down his cheeks as he constantly willed them away as he breathed shakily in and out, his hand occasionally coming up from the chair arm and covering his mouth for the times he couldn't help a sob and it's escape. and standing all around the rest of the room were his three teammates, lando, charles and max and they were helpless in knowing how to console their castmate. none of them had gone through the loss of someone they love due to cancer and now the possibility of the same thing was happening to his wife. although you were currently unconscious but breathing, you just knew that oscar wished it was him in the hospital bed with cancer and this mysterious yet dangerous blood infection. it was completely obvious because oscar had been that way ever since you two started dating and even before that when you two were just best friends.

i mean, this man, this lunatic of a man who was crazy in love with you would go hungry for you. he'd go black and blue for you. he'd go crawling down the avenue for you. there was absolutely nothing this looney toon wouldn't do for you because if it showed you how much he loved you, he'd do it. he'd even switch places with you, have himself go through this cancer, the treatment and this awful, stressful, heartbreaking, scary blood infection if it meant that you were okay and not worried every single day about whether or not you were actually going to end up ringing that bell at the end of your chemotherapy.

and, suddenly, out of pure fight that you still had left in you, you opened your eyes more determined then ever whilst oscar cried the same way he did when his best friend took his last breath with lando providing him with some comfort as he kind of rested on top of him, his arms around oscar's waist which moved each sob which made lando move slightly. charles and max not too far behind when charles' eyes widened, his teary eyes, since oscar wasn't the only one in a grief-like state, spoke up in a whisper.

"...osc...y.n's woken up..." charles whispered and as oscar and lando both heard that sentence, their heads shot up and more tears poured down oscar's face as he touched your face, lando's arms letting go of his hold on oscar

"...oh, baby! are you okay? are you hurt? what hurts? do i need to get the nurse what's--"

"--calm down babe, breathe. yes, i'm okay darling. i'm not hurt, i'm just a little numb and stiff due to the way i've been lying down. and yes, getting the nurse would be a great idea, and i think you should do it because you've been holed up in this room longer than anyone else has. lando, charles and max will take immense care of me for the five or so minutes you step out of this room to grab the nurse so don't have a freak out, alright love? i'm still here, i haven't left and i won't leave...now go, get the nurse and doctor marshall," you may have just woken up but that didn't mean you were tired or exhausted because you weren't, truthfully, you felt more alive than you'd ever felt before

agreeing and too tired to think about arguing, oscar nodded his head and unlatched his grip from yours and left the hospital room to fetch the nurse and doctor marshall, "okay, i'll be back love. have some water, you must be thirsty, lando'll help you if you need it," oscar smiled softly with a tender kiss to your temple as you smiled as you watched him walk out, wiping away his wet cheeks and to the left to the reception desk so they could page for the nurse and doctor marshall

let's just say, from how calm and smiley both the nurse and doctor marshall were, it seemed as though their gut feeling was wrong and the blood infection had been caught early and it looked as though you were going to make an amazing recovery. from not just the infection but also from the cancer and that was why the rest of bristol's cancer hospital could hear cheers, screams and just outright excitement coming out of room 4580.

charles leclerc:

when the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love.

you couldn't stay strong anymore so you didn't. you had returned home from the sinagpore grand prix to monte-carlo, monaco early to hold a vigil back in your childhood home for your father who was dying due to respiratory distress and it had just been confirmed that your father had died. you didn't want to believe it, i mean, what twenty-four-year-old wanted to believe that their father has just died after months and months of being bedridden after being diagnosed with respiratory distress? the doctors promised you, promised your whole family that with some sort of miracle drug that was very new but already so revoulationary and able to cure the disease that you were beside yourself that their promise fell on deaf hands and deaf ears. how dare they lie to you and your family? how dare they provide you with such comfort and solace that your dad was going to survive only for him to die months later in his bed in the very home you had every single childhood memory up until age twelve when you moved to montmatre, france to monte-carlo, monaco after your parents civily split up. and right now, you just cried. your body fell forward as a loud and guttural sob that sounded as though it was from an animal that was dying fell from your mouth as your knees hit the ground, your arms falling onto your father's bed on which he laid on in his final moments.

it was in that moment that the rest of your siblings, mum and doctor left the master bedroom as you continued to weep, wishing only for the dark to become light again, wishing for your father to open his eyes and just say he was joking even though he knew that would be a too crude joke to play on his ever-loving family who had never done a thing wrong to deserve that type of tasteless joke. your mum, whilst devastated over the loss of her ex-husband, knew you'd be the most devastated about this and was thankful, praising god that she remembered that charles leclerc, your boyfriend and f1 driver had been granted early leave from the singapore grand prix. it was well known within ferrari that your dad's health had been declining so, lovingly, they allowed the smart decision for charles to have permission to leave any time he got the phone call from your mum or anyone in the family about the death of your dad. the only one who could provide comfort for her was charles.

due to your wailing and complete ignorance to the world around you, you hadn't noticed the gentle touch of your gorgeously talented but ever so empathetic and sweetheart of a boyfriend, charles. however, because you could feel the slight change in the air, you could tell without lifting your head up off of your father's bed and current resting place that someone was next to you. it wasn't until you heard his soft voice that you knew instantly by the way of his accent, the french effortlessly slipping from his mouth and how it was obvious he too had spent time crying himself, that it was your boyfriend next to you and not a family member who just carelessly decided to check in on you just for the sake of it.

"...y.n, bébé, tu peux te reposer maintenant..." charles' soft voice, that sounded like he too had been crying after recieving the phone call from your mother sounded from beside you as you finally lifted your head up from the warm blankets and sheets of your father's bed y.n, baby, you can rest now

"...charles... qu'est-ce que... qu'est-ce que tu fais ici ? tu es censé être toujours à singapour pour le grand prix..." you trailed off, your voice croaky and hoarse from all the wailing you had been doing for what felt like eternity at this stage charles...what...what are you doing here? you're supposed to still be in singapore for the grand prix

"...tu es plus important, y.n. ta mère m'a appelé, elle m'a raconté ce qui s'était passé..." charles' voice stopped as he got all choked up as tears welled in his eyes as you struggled to hold yourself together again you are more important, y.n. your mum called me, she told me what had happened

"...il...mon père est mort charles...il...il ne reviendra pas...il...il ne se réveillera plus jamais..." you sobbed as you fell, instead of collapsing forward onto the bed, you fell sideward onto charles who caught you and held you as more sobs jolted your tired body he...my dad's dead charles...he...he isn't coming back...he...he's never going to wake up again

"...je sais chérie et je suis vraiment désolée. j'aimerais pouvoir dire n'importe quoi qui pourrait soulager cette douleur mais je sais que rien ne peut faire ça!" charles whispered as he held you, rocking the both of you back and forth as tears streamed down the both of your faces whilst your dad's lifeless body laid in rest on the top of the bed that you were still hunched over i know darling and i am so sorry. i wish i could say anything that could ease this hurt but i know nothing can do that!

the evening started to shadow the master bedroom of your childhood home and you could see the light of the stars started to appear, there was an obvious brighter star that shone the brightest out of all of them. it was clear that that star was none other than your dad reassuring you and the rest of the family alongside charles' own dad and godfather jules that he was safe and that he'd always be there to shine bright every single night. last time your family went through a bereavement, you and charles were only best friends and he was in italy and you were in monte-carlo which meant that he wasn't just a quick drive away to wipe away all your tears over the loss of your grandpapa when you were a mere twelve-year-old returning back to monte-carlo in the same way twenty-four-year-old you had returned to monte-carlo to stand vigil at your now-dead father's bedside. it was a weird sense of deja vu or like a coda in a movie or song but, this time you were just grateful that you had charles here with you to comfort you and to dry your tears, to hold you for a million years.

"...charles...je t'aime tellement..." you whispered, your eyes only just staying open since it was now midnight and you and charles were still sitting vigil in your father's bedroom hours after his death date had been called charles...i love you so much

"...je t'aime aussi bébé... je pense qu'il est temps de se reposer et d'aller dormir ? qu'en penses-tu?" charles whispered as you couldn't help but agree, although you wanted to stay in this room with your father for the rest of eternity, you knew you couldn't do that i love you too baby...i think it's time we get some rest and go to sleep? what do you think?

"ouais, je ne pense pas que papa voudrait qu'on pleure à son chevet pour le reste de notre vie. je pense que s'il avait la capacité de devenir un fantôme, il nous reprocherait certainement de pleurer sur lui *tearful giggles*. en plus, je suis épuisé et il est presque minuit trente minutes et je suis sûr que tu es incroyablement fatigué par le long vol alors il est temps d'aller au lit..." you trailed off with a broken smile, standing up off the floor from your kneeling grief position and held out your hand for charles to grab it yeah, i don't think dad would want us crying at his bedside for the rest of our lives. i think if he had the ability to become a ghost, he'd definitely tell us off for crying over him. besides, i'm exhausted and it's nearly thirty minutes after midnight and i'm sure you are incredibly tired from the long flight so, it's time for bed

and he did, with an identical broken smile, he grabbed your hand and stood up as well as you guys walked out of your father's bedroom, not forgetting to quietly close it behind you cause, even in death, it would be rude to loudly close your father's door when he's trying to sleep.

fin

why do i make only a couple of them so sad? i don't know but anyway, i enjoyed rewriting this into a new version and i hope you guys enjoy reading it. also, funny that the only real translating i used was for charles' one-shot since there was no way i was going to translate the entirety of max's one-shot lol. anyway, i hope you guys enjoyed this.

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

#formula one #fluff #angst #comfort #max verstappen #lando norris #oscar piastri #charles leclerc #mentions of death #mention of terminal illness #mentions of workplace harrassment due to gender #do not read if any of these topics trigger you

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bli-o · 10 months ago

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ITAFUSHI NATION IM HAVING AN EPIPHANY LISTEN TO ME

ok so my wonderful partner @mawce444 pointed out that Will Wood’s Against The Kitchen Floor is a really good fit for Yuji and i agreed but while listening in the shower(where my brain comes up with most things) i realized it’s honestly really fitting for Megumi and then i realized it really fits both of them and then i realized it’s like a perfect duet for the two and puts the parallels between them I’ve been admiring into words perfectly. These characters are known as the Sunshine x Raincloud duo but honestly my favorite thing about them is the fact that despite being polar opposites on a surface they are fundamentally similar.

On with my ramblings about jjk characters being will wood songs under the cut—

I could go on about these lyrics for ages but I’ll give you some of my favorite outtakes. Listen to the song and see for yourself as well.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m doing my best. I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet.”

Ok, starting out with one of my favorites. This from Yuji’s perspective reminds me of how all throughout the series curses and humans alike have referred to Yuji as “Sukuna’s vessel” and denied him the right to be anything more than that. It’s also similar to Megumi’s closed off and secretive personality which only people like Yuji and Nobara have managed to crack open. I really. Really. Like the idea of him saying this to yuji in a duet cuz like… this is headcanon and projection talking, but megumi being one of the few to not only see Yuji as himself but wishing he could be as open and vulnerable—in a way more human—than him,,., this targeted me specifically oh my god

“I still don’t know who you are, I only know that I’m still lonely; that morbid sort where even company can’t cure me and the more you reassure the less I trust.”

this!!! this!!! perfect blend of yuji feeling isolated due to being a vessel and megumi’s isolation because of his closed off personality distant or lost family. Well. His family’s like entirely gone now + his only remaining father figure so like even more so now.

“I’m catatonic in your arms, crying ‘How did I cause so much harm?’ I’m down pounding my head against the kitchen floor, apologizing for my life and ever entering yours.”

IM!!! Its over for me itafushi nation. leave me. go on without me. Its literally. Perfect imagery of the shibuya incident and chapter 251. Yuji blaming himself for the deaths of the people in shibuya. Megumi blaming himself for the deaths of his only remaining family??? chat im through. don’t think i forgot about you yuji “don’t you dare tell fushiguro” itadori!!!! i know you still have a guilt complex bc you think megumi will regret having saved you.

“Don’t say ‘I’m sorry, but this can’t go on’, I know you’ve got scars of your own, but hide my knives before you go, I’ll either live or die alone.”

honestly??? feels like the parallel scenes between 251 and Yuji and Todo’s in shibuya. And the “I’ll either live or die alone” because of yuji and megumi’s respective isolations???? oh my god

I’ve gotten through the most major parallels time to move on to the more individual lyrics???

“I’ve lived more lives than enough; I havent died quite as much, but I’m not a real person, just the shit you cant make up, and…”

yuji’s lives before and after entering the jujutsu world??? the quite literal amount of times he’s died??? his role as an inhuman “vessel” or “time-bomb” or “half-curse monster”???? ugh. ugggggh. my son….

“I keep a locket with a picture on the back of my head, oh, monkey-wrench my side-view mirrors, ghost my friends.”

Megumi??? not being vulnerable and never revealing much about himself, even to the people who care about him, instead choosing to suffer alone???

ok yall. I’ve removed most of the worms from my brain with this post but you really just gotta listen to it yourself. More will wood-jjk parallels include:

Laplace’s Angel-Mahito

Outliars and Hyppocrates-Sukuna(especially in regards to yuji)

The Main Character - Gojo(Kinda? i’d have to explain.)

not to mention suburbia overture putting an au idea in my head,,,, i’ll hold my tongue because ive never kept my word on completing any large-scale writing project before but the itch to remove more of the worms from my brain is there,,,,

Anyways thank you guys for listening to my deranged ramblings. Here’s a gold star for helping with my brain eating amoeba treatment⭐️

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borderline-culture-is · 7 months ago

Note

Bpd culture is the lyrics

“Catatonic in your arms, crying how did I cause so much harm??! I’m DOWN POUNDING MY HEAD AGAINST THE KITCHEN FLOOR! APOLOGIZING FOR MY LIFE AND EVER ENTERING YOURS! Don’t say I’m sorry but this can’t go on, I know you’ve got scars of your own, but hide my knives before you go id either live or die alone…..

I SWEAR! I WILL DIE TRYING IM STILL IN THE PROCESS BUT IM MAKING PROGRESS I PROMISE I HONESTLY WANT TO PROVE IMPROVEMENTS POSSIBLE… i SWEAR! Im so FUCKING SORRY! IM NOT A GOOD PERSON IM BARELY A PERSON AT ALL BUT SOME DAY ILL BE PERFECT AND ILL MAKE UP FOR IT ALL!”

And also the lyrics

“LET ALL MY RED FLAGS FADE TO WHITE YEAH I GIVE UP! Don’t let me LEAVE I’ll only take more than i gave… okay I’ll pack my stuff. Here at the end of days… my god… WHAT HAVE I DONE?? Christ now it feels DAMN INHUMANE to get all I’ve dreamed of…”

Because will wood…. Will wood describes how i am so well- hshsjsbsubsv

(Can i claim -⚠️🎉 as my sign off?)

yes

#borderline culture is #borderline personality disorder #bpd #bpd culture #bpd culture is #bpd safe #actually bpd #actually borderline #- ⚠️🎉

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sorenevans · 10 months ago

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can we just talk about the song "Inkpot Gods" for a minute?

while I am 100% sure I am interpreting this song wrong I really don't care.

let me show you my vision-

(listen while you read- it makes more sense.)

There's a young girl- about 10-11 years old. She's probably been through a lot. and she tries not to cry because she thinks that is a sign of weakness, but a man who was supposed to care for this girl originally, but was so scared too he never really tried- POTENTIALLY A FATHER FIGURE, MAYBE EVEN HER ACTUAL FATHER- tells her that it's ok to cry, and to not worry about the other kids laughing at her because she's just learning how to fight for herself.

Oh, what? These, these aren't tears It's just the rain that wasn't brave enough to fall And what they hear isn't laughter, after all It's just your voice learning for once to stand up tall

that same man wants to keep her safe, and that's exactly what he does. he vows to stay by her side and train her until she can fight the monsters of this world without his help. he sees her for more than her scars, more than her marking, more than anything superficial. he sees her for her. he sees her the way his father never saw him. He vows to never be like his father. He wants to be present in this young girl's life, he wants to be the father she doesn't and he never had.

And when the rain came down I made a vow out to the dark "Please, let her live just one more day Cause she is so much more than all her scars And if she doesn't have the will But it seems the whole world does, I'll stay, because I will be the man my father never was"

this man knew her mother before she died. she brings it up to the man when she turns 15 so that she can get the letters from her mom that the man had been keeping safe. the last letter written very hastily written read these lyrics. \/ The girl asked the man and he said that her mother was always singing.

And what you hear is not silence It's just the trees waiting to hear what next you'll hum

She also wrote in these letters that she was never truly alone that she had the man and the darkness was only there so she could appreciate the light in her life, it was only there to discourage her in her quests. but her mother also wrote not to let the darkness stop her and that those who made her life dark only did so to hurt her.

And what you see is not the dark It's just the gods upturning ink pots 'cause they know what you'll become

And she wrote a letter to those powers holding her daughter back.

And to those gods, I will speak bluntly "We've an accord, if you ever touch or harm her Please, rest assured that you might not fear a man But to a woman, by the end, you'll kneel and plea

and her mother writes one last thing. telling the girl how her mother always told her to look out only for herself. but after having a child she couldn't imagine not gladly dying for her. this child was her life.

'Cause I'm more than what my mum told me to be"

She's 17 now. fighting her own battles, and she's doing well until one day she's not. She is struggling- SHE'S LOSING. She's overwhelmed and OUTNUMBERED AND SCARED! The man wants nothing more than to help, but after all this time he's become old and frail and unable to fight like he used to. he can see her fighting. he can see her trying. he sees her fall. He can't watch anymore. he's fully overwhelmed by that feeling of helplessness.

And I can hear her sing And I know she's giving up And I don't know what to do, how to help her How to bring her home

and she sees the man, no- her father- she knew he saw her fall. She knows he's seeing her lose. She can feel the waves of emotion. she was so scared for him. She craved independence but right now she just wants to hug him- but this is her quest and only hers.

And I can hear him break And he doesn't understand And I wish that I could take his hand But where I'm going is for me and me alone

the man sees a letter sitting on the table. the girl had left it there. for in case she didn't make it back. It's been hours, and he didn't want to admit she could be dead, but he could see no other outcome. he opened the letter. and reads it over and over and over. he can practically hear her singing it.

And I can her sing "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" "If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along" (loved you all along)

He sits in a chair facing the battle scene, where he watches something emerging from the horizon. he tucks the letter neatly away and walks out to meet the girl. she won. She won so she could come back to him. her father- the one who was always there for her, the one who taught her about her mother- the one who loved her unconditionally, and she, him.

If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along

#the amazing devil #music interp #inkpot gods #whats sleep?

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your-ne1ghbor · 8 months ago

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"This Wish" Re-write

(This song for my rewrite: The Kingdom of Roses and Thorns)

----------------------------------------

Hello guys!!

First Rewrite of them all, and before I go into the rewrite, I need to state my problems with the song before I get into it.

So the sections will be like this:

My problems with the song

My goals/thoughts on the song

The actual rewrite

Now with this out of the way, lets get into how this song failed to be a "I want song." If you want to watch another video on the problems with the song in more detail, I suggest you watch this video:

youtube

Now lets get started!

My Problem with the Song

So there are many problems with the song, and I'll break down every lyric since I can.

And I am not a professional song writer, I am just pointing out stuff that sounds off to me personally.

So for context...

At this point in the film, she is broken that the people of Rosas won't get all of their desires fulfilled. Mind you, as in all of my other rants on this stupid movie, Magnifico, the antagonist, can't AND SHOULDN'T grant all the wishes because there are obviously dangerous people who ask for dangerous things or people's desires are too vague to be granted. It is a valid reasoning to not grant them all because why should he? They can potentially cause harm to the people who gave up their wish or even the people of Rosas.

Back to Asha here, she ran out of the house after Sabino said he didn't want to hear his wish from her, which makes her angry and run out of the house. She is in tears then suddenly breaks into song.

That is were I have my first nick-pick, although it is slightly minor. She shouldn't suddenly break out into song unless she calms down afterwards. Where she is at this point of the song, she should have some strain in her voice since she legit was just crying a second ago.

Now we get our first line:

"Isn't truth supposed to set you free?"

This flows nicely with the music in the song and it does establish a good question...but they answer it with:

"Well, why do I feel so weighed down by it?"

Although you can say that the truth she is holding is "weighing her down," it breaks the rhythm that was set in the first lyric by cramming in a lot of words. How it should be, as a example:

"Then why am I so weighed down by it?

Its not a good example, since there is still strain and breaks rhythm still, but the strain isn't so bad as cramming in so many words into one line. Lyrics need to flow nicely with the music, and if you can't do that, then fix the lyrics until it sounds right.

The next lyrics I don't have a problem with:

"If I could show them everything I've seen Open their eyes to all the lies then Would they change their minds like I did?"

I still would say that there is still strain since it is cramming in more words than it needs to. But as I said, I don't have a big problem with it, minus that nick pick.

"But when I speak, they tell me, "Sit down" But how can I when I've already started runnin'?"

Okay, my next problem, which will be very noticeable in the next lyrics, is the use of But, Then, And. Its fine to have them in songs, including at the begining, but it should not be the driving force of the song or aka, BE USED SO MUCH. You can still use the words, just use it sparingly. Also, there is a lot of "slang" words, like the one right here: "runnin". In medival times, they would not say it like that. They would most likely say running, than runnin. And they don't know slang soooooo BE MORE ACURATEEEEEEE

"Oh, this is where we've been But it's not where we belong And I may be young, but I know I'm not wrong"

One thing I wanna say, is that she should basically say "oh everything I knew was wrong" instead of saying "I am not wrong". She just sounds like a hypocrite. Like, she firmly believes that her morals are right, rather than trying to look at Magnifico's perspective and try to understand him, which mind you, she does not do at all throughout the entire movie. Also, just remove And for the last lyric, it does not need to be there. It sounds better when it just says: I may be young, but I know I'm not wrong. Idk why it is there, when it didn't need to be there in the first place.

"So I look up at the stars to guide me And throw caution to every warning sign"

Some AI mess there, am I right? Alright, so she is throwing cation at the wind, or in her terms, she is being cautious at every warning sign, which is basically what warning signs do. They warn bystanders to ensure their safety and take the next steps carefully. Sooo what is she throwing cation at? The wind? This is legit so confusing like why would you have this in your song? If it doesn't make sense logically or even character wise, just don't have it in there, and try again and make it something else.

"If knowing what it could be is what drives me Then let me be the first to stand in line"

Sooo...what is it? Please tell us! We wanna know Wish Asha :3

"So I make this wish To have something more for us than this So I make this wish To have something more for us than this"

Thats...not what I meant.

So we all know this is a "I want song". So she should be saying what she wants, but what she wants is so vague. What do you want? Power? Freeing the wishes? Star Boy? Wait thats my wish woops This lyric is very vague. You can change it to: "I want something more for us than this", which sounds a lot better, and given the context to whatever you are writing, it can work. I dont have a problem with other people having this lyric in their songs, but for her character, shouldn't she say something that she wants?

"Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah More than this, oh-ah-ah-ah"

Hahah...VERY POPPY.

Its nice though, so I better give credit to where it is due.

"I never knew I needed room to grow"

Idk what to say here, it just sounds off, since she sounds like a idiot. Of course there will be room to grow, but I guess it was used for the viewer to relate to her more? Idk man...

" Yeah, I did what I was told when someone told me "no" "

Me fr tbh

"Now I've got all of this freedom in my bones But I've still got the lid on, so it doesn't overflow"

Again, you don't need to use slang words in your song, especially so when your character would not know these terms well. If your character is set in a specific era, miminize the slangs at least. I don't have a problem with it, I just dont want it to be overused.

" 'Cause I've got reservations and hesitations On where I should even begin"

I like this lyric! Just remove 'cause and it would flow nicely.

"I'm past dipping my toes in But I'm not, no, I'm not past diving in"

ehhhh...I have mixed feelings on this one....I know it is a medaphor, but she didn't need to repeat herself? I'm just saying...

"If I could just be pointed in any given direction On where to go and what to do"

The fact these lyrics that mimics Lin-Manuel Miranda sound better than the entire song is beyond me. I genuinely like this line! And it is weird feeling that way since I normally dread listening to it. But I guess putting my head in a new perspective and actually putting thought into the lyrics probably changed my opinion lol. Doesn't change my opinion on the song though.

"My legs are shaking, but my head's held high The way you always taught me to"

This is actually a really good line since it sounds heartbreaking. Putting it through her perspective, her father died when she was 12, and she is 17 in the film, I'd still imagine that she is, although trying not to show it, still grieving the loss of her father, and you can say she somewhat breaks here. Its really good and I really like it!

If only that we knew more of her father to understand her perspective more, other than he liked star gazing, but hey, what do I know?

She is somewhat saying the same thing from the pervious lyrics, so I'll speed run this:

"So I look up at the stars to guide me And throw caution to every warning sign"

Again, change it please. No need for it here.

'I'm sure there will be challenges that find me But I can take them on one at a time"

OG Asha: Very confident of herself

My version of Asha: What is confidence?

"So I make this wish To have something more for us than this So I make this wish To have something more for us than this"

god I know this is a pop song, BUT STOP REPEATING YOURSELF PLEASEEE

'Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (so I make this wish) Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (to have something more) More than this, oh, ah-ah-ah"

Something funny was that when I first listened to the song, I thought that the chorus was saying "Don't make this wish to have something more". It might be just me though.

'So I make this wish To have something more for us than this"

So here is my last nick-pick. Why does she end on a solemn note? It doesn't fit at all, and breaks the way the song is played. Asha should have ended on a high note, like her voice is "reaching for the stars".

(HA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)

It also flows nicely with the instrumentals when it ends on a high note, so I don't know why she ends it on a sad note. It doesn't make sense, especially for her character.

So those are my problems with the lyrics. Sooo, why does it suck mainly?

Well she sounded selfish in context, especially when I watched the first time and on recent re-watch. It doesn't even help much when I barely know anything about her and what her goals and wants are, minus the "I want something more." But what more does she want? Power? Wishes? Stars? It doesn't make sense. She should at least state what she wants or her have a solemn moment of thinking: wait, I know what I want! Before she ends on her high note, it being what she really wants.

It also doesn't help when the song is just another copy of "God Help the Outcasts" from Hunchback of Notre Dome, but done worse. And something that really pissed me off, was when the writers said that "All disney princesses have something that THEY want and never a selfless want." (not accurate to what they said btw) And I was VERY pissed off when they said that, since it felt like a personal insult to Hunchback of Notre Dome, a movie I have HIGH respect for, for what it did and accoplished, and is one of my fav disney movies. They really insulted Esmeralda like that. HOW DARE YOU.

I'm done talking about the lyrics, legit I'm done. Lets move on to how I would rewrite the song:

How I would rewrite the song

Okay first of all, we need to give Asha a better goal/wish than wanting something more, since it doesn't specify anything.

So what I would do, is her say what she wants.

Plus, the song doesn't have her process what just happened. So I want it to fix it to where she reflects as she puts on a newer perspective on the "truth's" they were told.

And I uhh..CHANGE THE INSTUMENTALS. I dont mind it in the final product, but the demo sounded SO MUCH BETTER and so much NICER, so change it to the demo hehe.

For context for my version of Asha, she is the adopted daughter of Amaya and Magnifico. You may think that it would be more difficult with a character that is in royalty that is supposed and should be siding with her people instead of her corrupted parents, but I dove into how that would work in my other rant here.

So Asha, in my version, is very less confident in herself. She also believes that the people are wrong for thinking the way they do about her parents (some of them think that way mind you). So when she finds out what her parents do to their wishes, her world view is legit crushed by this new revelation, and now she just...doesn't know what to do. Most of the people of Rosas hate her since she is "royalty". And she cant turn to her caretakers since they will tell her to just ignore it and move on. She is alone in a sense. She also knows very little about her real parent's, just knowing that her father used the stars for guidance and drove mad because of it. So with that perspective, she would try and reach for the stars (IK I KEEP REFRENCING THIS AU HELP) for help. She also normally does things alone, so it is more difficult for her to ask for help, even when she needs it.

Also, before she breaks into song, Valentino is there to comfort her as she process what happened to the wishes. She is crying with this new revelation, but Valentino wants to be there for her since he wants to make sure she is happy :3

Before we get into the actual song rewrite, I need to say this:

I AM NOT A PROFFESIONAL SONG WRITER. I just mainly did this for fun and fixed the things that mainly bugged me and to fit the context for my version of Asha. Plus, there is no right or wrong way for fixing the song! Just make it the way you want it to be percived by others, and have fun with it!

Ok, now with that out of the way, Lets get into the song!

This Wish (The Kingdom Of Roses and Thorns Ver.)

youtube

(Play this in the background when you read the song :3)

And no, there is no spodify version of the song, which sucks-

Asha: Purple

Stars: Yellow

My Notes: Bold

Wasn’t truth supposed to set them free?

Why am I so weighed down by it?

This task that's right in front of me

To open their eyes, to all their lies

And then change their minds like I did

So what she is saying here is basically the same as the original, with slight changes. She now feels more pressured with the truth she now knows, and is very hesitant to actually say anything that would demine her caretaker's reputation. After all, "they took her in when no one else did" so why should she go against them? They don't deserve it now do they? I also wanted this to have more weight, like how the line started with "Why am I so weighed down by it" and she states what she is weighed down by. And what she means by "set them free" she thought that learning the truth of why the people of Rosas are miserable would make her change how she sees them view them, or to prove them wrong. And oh boy, she was wrong. I also wanna say that not everyone in Rosas thinks this way towards the royals. They are more fearful and more prone to do whatever they want. They also are like the king and queen, ignoring the problems and move on, but this time, if they cause problems, they can get in trouble.

If I speak, they’ll tell me to “sit down”

If I speak, they’ll tell me to “just turn away”

This is how her parent's pass the problems the kingdom has. Ignore it, forget it, and move on. She was taught that way. And this also can be applied to how she was treated when she was younger. There is also a tone of fustration here since you can say she is still treated like this, like her voice of thoughts are just downplayed by some silly manipulation from her parents or that the citizens don't want to hear what she has to say since she is "royalty".

But the truth that we were told

Was not what we had thought

And all the teachings we were all taught

Was just all…wrong

This is mainly her processing what she was taught in a new perspective.

If I look up at the stars to guide me

Won't they force me back in line?

Although I don’t know how I should start this

I should at least try or no one will

She knows very little about her parents, other that one was a philosopher, both "abandoned her at the kingdom's doors", and that their way of thinking was wrong. Here, with the truths she knows, she is now wondering if her parent's ideologies were right, and if everything she knew from what her adoptive parent's told her, was wrong. She is here taking account for what she knew of what her biological parents did, and trying it for herself. I feel like some parts are a bit awkward and I wanna fix it I just don't know how yet. She is also slightly overthinking hehe. Plus no one in Rosas looks up at the sky to dream or wish anymore, hense why she says "I should at least try or no one will."

So I make this wish

For their dreams of hope and bliss…

No, I just want this wish

To be something more for us than this

For starters, this was pretty fun to write! Second, this is her holding back on what she really wants. You'll see what she wants at the end of the song, but here, she just thinks that saying it from her head would work, instead of saying it from the heart.

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (We hear your wish)

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (So why are you holding back?)

More than this, oh-ah-ah-ah

Bet you weren't expecting the starts to talk to her quietly. No, she can't hear them, they're too far away, except for us ofc. And no, Aster/Star is not asking this, almost all of the wishing stars interested in helping her is questioning why she is holding back on her wish. And yes, I thought adding the chorus from the end should be here also so it would flow nicely with the music. It is also to fix the complaint: "where is the chorus coming from", so now it is coming from the stars and not in the air.

I was told that life was grand and fine

We all did what we were told when they told us no

But with the lies and false hopes, we were told

Should I just turn away?

When everything is at stake?

I feel like this is her flaw right her. She is backing out on the situation and wants to turn away, even though it will only make everything worse if she doesn't do anything about it. I also want to fix the upper part of the lyrics to imply what she means by false hopes and lies so the audience knows what she is talking about, I just donno how to execute it right now.

I just got reverations and hesitations

On where I should even begin

If I make this wish there will be

More at stake than there ever will

If I could be pointed in any given direction

On where to go and what to do

“Keep your head down and just turn away”

But I just can’t ignore this now

This isn't her overcoming her flaw btw, she just realizes that if she backs out, nothing will get better, and nothing will change. She is also quoting her parents there, where she wants to help her citizens, but they just tell her to turn away and ignore it. Plus, if she asks for help, she could loose everything: her caretakers, her friends, a roof over her head. All just for trying to do the right thing.

I will look up at the stars to guide me

With nothing to hold me back this time

I know there will be challenges that'll find me

But I will take them on, one at a time

This is her now up for the challenge of making change, though, I would want her voice to be a little fearful, since she is going against everything her parents stood for.

I will make this wish

For their dreams of hope and bliss…

I will make this wish

I want something more for us than this!

Its similar to the previous one. Just that she is now saying "I want this:" in a sense. She still is holding back though.

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (To make this wish)

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (you need to take the risk)

More than this, oh, ah-ah-ah

The stars are telling her to actually take the risk of actually wishing for something rather than holding back on it. Their chorus is more quieter, since they heard her voice, just that, she is still holding back, which is making the stars feel like they can't help her situation until she actually wishes for real, so they start turning away ... except for one.

(speaking) More than this…

I would like the instruments to pause here, to take a breather if you will. Asha also says this here, since she realizes she isn't being honest with what she truly wants. So instead of saying what is on her mind, she is saying from her heart, which is how stars actually come down to help. Your wish has to be from the heart, not the mind, or something you think you want. They aren't genies. Asha throughout the song is just backing out and hense more hesitant until now. She is also looking at the stars at this point to wish upon! Can you guess who?

So I make this wish

I want their dreams to have…a…CHANCE

(It ends with a high note btw) And here she is saying what she really wants. It is still a selfless act, and she isn't saying for all the dreams to be granted, no, she wants the people to have a chance of pursuing their dreams before it is too late. I might change it later since it is somewhat awkward, but I think it is a nice note to end off for now.

Conclusion

(sketch version from my last post lol)

So yeah thats how I would write the song!

None of this is perfect, and this is also my first time actually writing out lyrics for a song, so their is bound to be some flaws.

I also accept all criticism since I would like to improve this song for a little something :3

Anyways, thanks for reading! Hope you guys have a great day, or night!

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sometimesiammybpd · 2 months ago

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i reminded myself of a really dark point in my life (one of many) recently. and it is something i want to talk about because i've brought it up to friends before but it's never helped. i don't wanna talk about it in this post though because i don't want every post to be so negative.

when i entered high school, the most i listened to music wise was taylor swift. i grew up with her music because of my sisters. never a fan of country though and still not one. i was also really into electronic music at the time, but that was it. and high school was what introduced me to fall out boy, panic! at the disco, and my chemical romance. specifically fall out boy because that's what got me through high school. this was at the same time as the community, so my toxicity was rampant and anything i may mention that i did during this time, i hold myself accountable. but i wanna say something that i realized like a year ago and really haven't been able to say.

yeah, i was toxic as fuck. but most people either chose or somehow couldn't see that it really wasn't because i enjoyed hurting myself or others. i just . . . i don't know. the hardest part about trying to grow and change is identifying with your past self to understand why you were the way you were. it's a double-edged sword in my eyes. yeah, i want to understand so i don't go down that path again. but i also don't want to relive or think about those days as much as the people i hurt doesn't want to. i was never a monster. i made a lot of awful decisions and used very toxic tactics like manipulation and gaslighting. and i know why if i ever went to any of those people and tried to speak my mind, they wouldn't want to hear a word out of my mouth. i understand why. but to me, most of the time at that point felt like i was watching someone else make those decisions; like i had no control of myself. it doesn't excuse anything but things like me bullying myself was also stemmed out of these kinds of things. because i felt so out of control and i had so little explanation for what the fuck was wrong with me that it exhibited as that whole mess. i won't go into specifics because i don't want to make myself revisit every bad decision i have ever made.

but when i found fall out boy, for the first time i felt heard. even when i didn't know i had bpd, i just felt like somehow he was able to say what i was feeling. and i know pete has bipolar disorder, not bpd. but it honestly doesn't matter and that applies to then as well. i first really connected with infinity on high. i remember trying to listen to take this to your grave, but i wasn't really into screamo at that point and it turned me off for a bit (it is top three for me now). infinity on high for the longest time was my favorite album. lyrics like:

i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off i take my last chance to burn a bridge or two. i only keep myself this sick in the head, 'cause i know how the words get you (off). the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize (that) two out of three ain't bad. don't you know who i think i am? i could learn to pity fools as i'm the worst of all and i can't stop feeling sorry for myself. the (after)life of the party i'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart. i've got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers and the truth hurts worse than anything i could bring myself to do to you.

i listened to this on repeat. at this point in my life (15 - 16), i was spiraling mentally. i had started self-harming and just hurting myself and losing friends and just all of it. i had a suicide plan by 13. i was ready to go but then came 14 and 15 and i had no idea why i was even still here. i genuinely wanted to die and the only thing that got me from day to day was fall out boy. and the song that i really connected with and not in a good way was golden. god i remember crying hearing that song for the first time with lyrics and understanding what he was saying.

golden and i saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies. and all the lovers with no time for me. and all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me and pray they don't grow up to be me.

this song was everything to me. everything. hearing patrick sing about this kind of stuff didn't make me more suicidal or depressed. this was the song that showed me that these were more than just catchy songs to jam to. golden was the first song i really gave the lyrics a look at. and i can never forget that. but, for as much as i loved infinity, when i heard from under the cork tree for the first time, i couldn't put it down even more than IOH. as much as i was toxic, i was completely unaware of it and when someone set me off (usually by telling me that i needed to change), i went to from under. i went to fall out boy. like i said, i don't excuse how i was. but everyone pretty much looked at me like i knew what i was doing and didn't care. and there were the few times i did know or think to myself that what i was about to do or just did was not okay. but most of the time i was spiraling out of control and it defaulted to toxicity and rage.

and here's the part that i hate about this time besides just . . . everything. infinity isn't really tainted. i can start at thriller, go through to it's hard to say i do, when i don't and restart it and be fine. some days, i can't do that with from under. some days i hear certain lyrics and feel back in that hallway singing it to myself about someone who did nothing wrong but i was blaming them anyways. and don't get me wrong, i fucking love FUTCT to this day. it's an absolute masterpiece. but it does make it hard sometimes to listen to it. here's some of my favorite lyrics:

of all the gin joints in the world you only hold me up like this, cause you don't know who i really am. nobody puts baby in the corner i keep my jealousy close cause it's all mine. and if you say that makes you happy, then i'm not the only one lying. hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday 7 minutes in heaven (atavan halen) i'm having another episode. i just need a stronger dose. i'm not going home alone, cause i don't do too well on my own.

i slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me so douse yourself in cheap perfume. it's so fitting of the way you are. they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone. but, for what we've become, we just feel more alone a little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me" i don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it.

i could go on, lol. this album holds as much of a place in my heart as IOH does, but this one really got me through most of high school. and a lot of the songs still get me through adult life and my job and other things. but two things on this album really really stuck with me. i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) and the speech at the end of get busy living or get busy dying (do your part to save the scene and stop going to shows). i've got a dark alley is the song for me. out of all fall out boy albums and records and whatnot, it's the song. when i'm in a bad episode, i still listen to it to this day to help me cope. i won't quote any lyrics specifically because it's the entire song. not that the others weren't but this one is explicitly the entire song for me. and i love you pete wentz for writing a fuckin masterpiece that i can't even believe you wanted to not include. and same feelings go towards that speech. that literally lives in my head rent free no matter what.

but i don't know. the whole point of this is that like, i love other bands. i love green day and i love paramore and i love p!atd and all of them. and i love listening to new bands that i've never heard before. but nothing can ever really meet the level of fall out boy for me. the level of that personal connection and feeling that for once, i'm not fucking alone in this fight. and it's also why i couldn't ever get into any of the post-hiatus / pre-SM(F)SD albums. they weren't bad and maybe it was just the instrumentals, but they just didn't feel as personal as the first four albums.

i don't know how to end this. fuck, i love fall out boy so much.

#fall out boy #patrick stump #pete wentz #bpd #infinity on high #from under the cork tree

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thepriceofsurvival · 1 year ago

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I head your Jean-coded playlist Nora, and I love it, but I will also provide my own. Mostly just because of my own music taste.

A little rock, a little punk, a little grunge, a touch pop, even some indie. And of course, so very very sad.

A few of the songs as well as some of the lyrics, just to convince you:

In My Time of Dying - Led Zeppelin

In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn All I want for you to do is take my body home {...} Oh, Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven Won’t you let me in? {...} I never did no harm, I never did no wrong I must’ve did somebody some good Oh, I believe I did

Brand New City - Mitski

I think my fate is losing its patience I think the ground is pulling me down I think my life is losing momentum I think my ways are wearing me down But if I gave up on being pretty, I wouldn't know how to be alive I should move to a brand new city and teach myself how to die Honey, what'd you take? What'd you take? Honey, look at me Tell me what you took, what'd you take?

Sunlight - Hozier

I would shun the light, share in evening's cool and quiet Who would trade that hum of night? For sunlight, sunlight, sunlight But whose heart would not take flight? Betray the moon as acolyte On first and fierce affirming sight Of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

You’d Be Paranoid Too (If Everyone Was Out to Get You) - Waterparks

I learned to live with these eyes in my closet Hands in my pockets Alone, but surrounded I'm breathing, I'm drowning I haven't slept in days, but who's counting?

Wires - The Neighbourhood

We talked about making it I'm sorry that you never made it And it pains me just to hear you have to say it You knew the game and played it It kills to know that you have been defeated I see the wires pulling while you're breathing You knew you had a reason {...} He told me I should take it in Listen to every word he's speaking The wires getting older I can hear the way they're creaking As they're holding him

16, 16, Six - The Drips

Tell me what you wanna know I gotta tell you that I miss your voice Cause everything else I hear is a violent noise And it's breaking through to my soul {...} Take comfort in familiar face Carried me all over the place Fell in love the only way we could No one understood and no one could

Fight or Flight - Conan Grey

Well, fight or flight, I'd rather die Than have to cry in front of you Fight or flight, I'd rather lie Than tell you I'm in love with you

Giver - K.Flay

I'm learning to live I'm trying to be better I'm learning to give But I don't know if I'm a giver {...} I got so much soul in my body But no one keeping me honest And whole days turn into holes in my mind

You Know You're Right - Nirvana

I will never follow you I will never bother you Never speak a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You won't be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail

Exit Music (For A FIlm) - Radiohead

Wake from your sleep The drying of your tears Today we escape, we escape Pack and get dressed Before your father hears us Before all hell breaks loose Breathe, keep breathing Don't lose your nerve Breathe, keep breathing I can't do this alone

Hysteria - Muse

'Cause I want it now I want it now Give me your heart and your soul And I'm breaking out I'm breaking out Last chance to lose control

Aneurism - Nirvana

Come on over, do the twist, aha Overdo it and have a fit, aha Love you so much, it makes me sick, aha Come on over and do the twist, aha Beat me out of me (beat it, beat it) Beat me out of me (beat it, beat it) Beat me out of me (beat it, beat it) {...}

Lydia - Highly Suspect

I've seen better days So unafraid in my youth I can't breathe, much less believe You gave everything you had Every little thing you had A true love unrehearsed I've seen your best and worst And at your worst, you're still the best But at my best, I am the worst It's a curse

Devil In Me 22-20s

I don't live, I just breathe I don't give and I don't recieve And I'll never get the devil Outside of me, outside of me I don't get all the good things You said I'd see, you said I'd see And I don't see the light Surrounding me, surrounding me

Dream On - Aerosmith

Every time that I look in the mirror All these lines on my face getting clearer The past is gone Oh, it went by like dusk to dawn Isn't that the way?

Don't Matter - Kings of Leon

You're not a man everybody says But it don't matter to me Dirty feet on my seat But it don't matter to me Break my heart, tear me apart It don't matter to me no, no I put a shine in your eye It don't matter to me 'Cause it's always the same And I'm always the same

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ash-creates · 2 years ago

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Wrote this out during science class! I recorded it to see how it sounded, and thought I'd post it- this was take one, I might clean it up a bit if this does well.

(Also, thank you so much for @idiotic-lawless-mayhem for helping me out with converting the file, that was... a struggle for some reason. Did get it figured out in the end though!)

Audio transcript/lyrics below cut for ease of access :]

Audio ID: A person with a mid-range voice singing. There are no backing instruments or music. Lyrics are as follows:

I've got a little black book full of Sharpie scars My heart's too small and it's full of stars I've got a burning in my legs and arms So I'll lay me down to sleep before this goes too far

A little black book without any words Broken wings make for quiet birds I wanna feel but don't want to hurt So lay me down to sleep before the tides they turn

A little black book and I'll keep it closed You say you'll listen but you can't know The sky's been gray, and the ground's all snow So lay me down to sleep before the nights get cold

A little black book full of thin red lines And a hundred reasons not to cry Oh keep it on the pages, keep it silent Lay me down to sleep before I can't keep quiet

A little black book and it's all I have To help me breathe when the days don't pass Slow my heart when I move too fast So lay me down to sleep before I turn to glass

A little black book keeping me together I'll leave my head for warmer weather I've been drifting, I cut my tethers Lay me down to sleep cause I want to live forever

A little black book beating like a heart Bleed through the paper and tear me apart What I wouldn't give for a new start Lay me down to sleep because the sky's been getting dark

A little black book and it keeps me broken I've got a couple pages I'm afraid to open I don't want to fall again, just leave me floating Lay me down to sleep so these words are never spoken

Got a little black book full of Sharpie scars It helps keep my head on but lately that's been hard My eyes are tired but it isn't any harm Lay me down to sleep cause I've taken it too far

#ash sings

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fancylala4 · 9 months ago

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So I read and watched some things about the Tangled tv series and it’s such a mess.

There’s magic everywhere in this series when the only magic in the movie was in that flower. I guess they realized that it would get boring fast and added more interesting lore into the series. There also steampunk stuff in it which is really weird because there was none of that in the movie. There wasn’t even a gun in the movie but there’s robots in the series?

They added in some black characters in it so they don’t look as white as the movie. I’m also sure they ripped off sinbad again and gave Flynn a friend that reminded me of cal.

They also ripped off of frozen as well. We have sister issues plot lines like the queen has one and rapunzel has one with cass. Rapunzel struggles with being a queen and is anxious about it like Elsa was( when she was super perfect at everything in the movie). She even copied Anna in being a funny sleeper and not being a morning person. There also was a special where a snow storm threatened the kingdom just like with frozen! Stans whine that frozen ripped off this movie like Elsa having a similar hair part to rapunzel (lol) or that Anna is a rapunzel clone (when rapunzel was already a Ariel clone) when this show clearly rips off frozen. I guess they wanted that frozen popularity.

Mandy still can’t voice act for shit. It’s so funny how she hasn’t improved in the role since she started it and it sounds like she did this for the money. For example, That scene when rapunzel was yelling out and crying when pascal sacrificed himself was so painful. I heard more emotion from a girl who drop her own phone. it’s embarrassing because you can see that she’s out of her league when the got great singers in the mix with the guy who voiced that 14 years old and cass. It also says a lot that the song that got an award for this show had a great singer (cass I think it was) and not any of the songs Mandy sings.

The series made three king look like even more of a dick than he already was in the movie and made gothel look less of a dumbass than she did in the movies. The reason why she never moved the flower from the spot was because of some rock spikes would grow everywhere for some reason and it can cause harm to people who live in the area. But the king didn't care about this at all and took the flower knowing the things it would cause. He also kept the original flower and said that anyone who steals it like he did would be a criminal. So he’s a thief who stole a flower and used all its power for his own selfish purposes (when it could have help anyone in the kingdom with a similar or even worse case than him) and didn’t care that it would cause harm to not only his own kingdom but the world.

The 14 year old kid (who is super popular because I’ve seen his design everywhere) in the show was made out to be the bad guy because his dad got caught into that rock thingy and he just wants to issue to go away because it can hurt anyone. Rapunzel also kicked him out into a snowstorm (or someone in the castle did and she did nothing to stop it) and didn’t give a fuck about him for two episodes. He was low key right about everything going by the wiki.

I would say that the king was an abusive piece of shit because how he treated rapunzel but I already said something about that in an another post! I still can’t believe he locked her up in a fucking tower and the show pulled the “he loves and cares about you! So the abuse is ok” crap!

I do have to say that the music in the show was way better than it was in the movie. It seems like no one was holding Alan back and they got someone who could actually write good lyrics unlike that guy from the movie. The song ready as I’ll ever be (it was every where at one point and I had no idea it was from this show) was so much better than the trash ass songs they had in the movie.

The art is a mix between lolirock and a storybook. I like it better than the movie’s but it’s not the best. I also liked rapunzel’s hair better here than in the movie since it didn’t look like plastic.

#mine #lala trashes tangled

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fuck-you-upmusicbracket · 2 months ago

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Merry Go Round Of Life (Howl's Moving Castle)

"so emotional"

Poll Runner: Ghibli fans rise up!

Against the Kitchen Floor (Will Wood)

And I swear! I will die trying!/I'm still in the process, but I'm making progress; I promise I honestly wanna prove improvement's possible, I swear!/I'm so fucking sorry! I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all, But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all!

Less rare than scarce, less diamond then rough/Unlikely to be more than just the coal you failed to crush

I'm catatonic in your arms, crying, "How did I cause so much harm?"/I'm down pounding my head against the kitchen floor/Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours

The vertex of my redemption arc/I’m searching on that virgin heart

"The raw emotion! And I strongly relate to desperately wanting to improve for someone you love. I belt out this song when I feel really hopeless"

"my one OC. also me. also it's just a really good song. one of will's best imo. screaminbg"

"Literally hits almost all of my self-esteem issues. Feeling like people only care about you for your body? Check. Not understanding why anyone would want you? Check. Thinking that all you do is hurt people? Check. I don't cry very often but this song DEFINITELY made me teary"

"one of those if u aren’t paying attention to the lyrics ur like this is nice but once u hear them its an OW holy OW and guilt and I’m sorry feelings"

"Just. Loving someone but not feeling like you’re good enough and trying to improve."

"Not only does this song have lyrics that are deeply relatable to me, but this song also feels very deeply personal to the artist and I feel that anyone who listens to it for the first time has that same feeling of getting punched in the gut. Just the lyrics and the melody and Will Wood’s vocals make this song an absolute masterpiece and I cry every time I hear it."

"One reason I'm attached to this song is because my friend sent it to me and said "I'm kin assigning you this song" and ruined my life (/j) It messed me up because I've always had a hard time in my life figuring myself out and dealing with my emotions, and for what feels like the first time, this song has been able to near perfectly describe how I feel about myself and my impact on other people, and it always just meant so much to me that my friend who sent it to me knows me better than I know myself and shared the song with me and I love them dearly."

Against the Kitchen Floor submitted by @pixopolis + others

#fuck you up bracket #tournament #polls #howl's moving castle #will wood

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inevitably-johnlocked · 2 years ago

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(I'm that one Will Wood person ashsjsj! Sorry for the large amounts of songs in one ask, I'll be re-sending them separately! <3)

I'd like to suggest "Against the Kitchen Floor" by Will Wood!

I see it more as Sherlock's point of view personally ("I promise I'm doing my best, I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet!" hits just right haha)

youtube

[Verse 1] I don't owe you my heart, and I don't owe you my body But you should know that I'm sorry for being careless with you Lord knows I owed you more than I'm pretty sure I ever could give anybody But I can't pin down what normal people want from foreign objects Bottom shelf erotic products like me

[Pre-Chorus] So, I could hold your hand but keep you at arm's length Oh, hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake Less rare than scarce, less diamond than rough Unlikely to be more than just the coal you fail to crush [Chorus] And I swear I'm really trying Get it together, Will, know and do better It just don't come natural to me to think that you'd want me for mе I swear, I'm really trying Oh, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm doing my bеst I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet

[Verse 2] I still don't know who you are, I only know that I'm still lonely That morbid sort where even company can't cure me And the more you reassure, the less I trust But still you gave me your heart, I only gave you my body Honestly thought nobody'd want it, let alone notice it's gone And so I left it home, but now, now, now, now

[Pre-Chorus] I keep a locket with a picture of the back of my head Oh, monkey-wrench my side view mirrors, ghost my friends I've lived more lives than enough, I haven't died quite as much But I'm not a real person, just the shit you can't make up

[Chorus 2] And I swear I'm really trying I'm just as exposed if I take off my clothes When we make the closest thing to love that I'm capable of And I don't know why you would care, but I'm really trying Oh, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm doing my best I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet

[Bridge] Did I really have any of that gravity? Maybe you're quicksand Because I really couldn't tell how deep my footprints went The vertex of my redemption arc, the searching of that virgin heart I'm catatonic in your arms, crying, "How did I cause so much harm?" I'm down pounding my head against the kitchen floor Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours Don't say "I'm sorry, but this can't go on," I know you've got scars of your own But hide my knives before you go, I'll either live or die alone

[Chorus 3] I swear I will die trying I'm still in the process, but I'm making progress I promise I honestly wanna prove improvement's possible I swear I'm so fucking sorry I'm not a good person, I'm barely a person at all But someday I'll be perfect, and I'll make up for it all

[Outro] ("And write a fucking song about it! 'Cause it has to be all about Will's fucking drama! God damn it!")

(Sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry.) (Lyrics from Genius.com)

Hey Nonny!

THANK YOU!! You just gave me content for a few days so I appreciate it!!

That said, YES totally a Sherlock POV song, oof, it really is him. I love this one. Thank you so much for adding it!!! <3

🎶 LISTEN TO THE JOHNLOCK PLAYLIST ON [SPOTIFY] & [YOUTUBE] 🎶

#steph replies #johnlock playlist #artist will wood and the tapeworms #song against the kitchen floor

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amberjazmyn · 9 months ago

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make you feel my love

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - make you feel my love 𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - tears, fluff, workplace harrassment due to gender, mentions of abuse, mentions of illness 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - through the lyrics of shane filan's "make you feel my love" we see the four main cast members of supernatural loving their partner through everything and anything 𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - this came out of nowhere lol, please enjoy! also bold italics is lyrics, italics is like flashbacks and everything else is the regular font.

masterlist listen to "make you feel my love" right here! - - - jensen ackles:

when the rain is blowin' in your face and the whole world is on your case, i could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.

today had been the worst day in the world for you and you wish you could understand why. first off, it was raining cats and dogs outside, so loud you personally thought your work building would collapse in on itself and it utterly terrified you. and two, it seemed as though your whole office building and everyone inside of it was on your case and trying to nit-pick at every little thing you did, whether that was in regards to you doing your job properly or just breathing, someone in your office had something to say about it and it almost made you want to scream. but, you remembered you actually liked this job and didn't want to lose it all because you lost control once at a time when you were defending yourself from everyone else's ridicule and judgement. even though you were one of only five women working this specific job, you still loved it even though it was a male-dominated job. you knew that when things like this happened, when the rain was blowing in your face and the whole world was on your case that your boyfriend, jensen, would offer you a warm embrace, making you feel his undying love for you.

however, he still hadn't returned from a convention in downtown dallas so unfortunately, your boyfriend wasn't going to be home the sme time you returned home from work. so, you just sucked those tears back up and pushed on through the rest of the work day, only hoping that no one else would try to test you otherwise you would start to bawl your eyes and not have the ability to stop cause once you start, you could find it quite difficult for yourself to stop crying.

continuing your customer service job, which truthfully you didn't need due to your boyfriend's extravagent job but, you still loved it, it started to eventually come to the end of your work shift when you and the two other work colleagues that were incessant on causing you to almost have a mental breakdown, because of your gender, you just hoped it wasn't you getting yelled at again. and, you somehow managed a shaky breath of relief when you saw the body language your boss had in regards to your colleagues in comparison to you.

"why do you think, todd?" your boss matched todd's attitude as the man stepped down as he gulped before your boss couldn't stop himself from continuing

"why do you both think it's okay to constantly bother y.n when she's just peacefully doing her job like everyone else, just like she's supposed to? don't you ever get tired of being incessant bullies? don't you ever think that i can actually hear all this bullying and abuse that you're aiming at y.n? do you ever step back and think to yourself how much stress and harm you are putting on her? do you ever step back and wonder if your words actually cause harm to your fellow work colleagues or are you just so ignorant that you no longer care anymore? because that's what i think of you todd and of you as well, richard, and i wish i had found out about this earlier so i could have let you both go before it could have escalated this far and y.n, i am so incredibly sorry that it's taken this long for me to take action because this behaviour...this genderphobic misogynistic behaviour is never and will never be tolerated in my workplace, not today, not ever! so, todd, richard, it's with my greatest pleasure that today is your final day at this job and you will be fired because how you behave towards your other work colleagues is simply not tolerable any longer. i'd like to say i wish you both the best but, i'd honestly be lying if i said that so, let's hope the next time i have to see or hear about either of you, you guys' heads will have been removed out of arses, but in saying that, i don't have high hopes for that...grab your things the both of you and leave, i want you guys clocked out and out of the building before the end of the day..." the boss was no longer allowing this abusive behaviour and you couldn't help but feel thankful to him, it was also quite hilarious to see how todd and richard reacted

for those who wanted a mental image of the way these two grown ass adults reacted to their firing was them basically throwing fits in the way a child would if they were told no, you cannot play on the tablet (child's name) your screen time for the day has finished. as much as you wanted to laugh, you found yourself not being able to because you were just so exhausted from this long and quite frankly traumatic day that you just wanted it to be over so you could go home and cacoon yourself in blankets on the couch as you then wait for your boyfriend jensen to return home from his convention in dallas with the supernatural cast. but then you remembered that you still had a job to finish and, just as you went to leave your boss's office, he stopped you.

"...oh, y.n, before i let you go, i am terribly sorry that you had to deal with todd and richard constantly on your case today and every other day, you didn't deserve it and it was completely unwarranted every single time. i wish i had done this firing sooner because they truly don't deserve a place in my workplace if they are being disrespectful to my fellow employees just because of their gender which is something that is of course, not easily changeable. also, if you wish to, i give you full permission to clock out earlier today since i know how exhausted you are from all of their abuses you've recieved. all i ask is that if you do leave early, that i get a text message reassuring me that you've got home safely and another one when jensen gets home from dallas since i remember you telling me that he returns back tonight because i want to know that you're being taken care of properly, okay?" tears welled in your eyes as you smiled, making eye contact with your boss as you nodded your head

"thank you sir. all of this has been well appreciated and, i'll be leaving work early since i don't think i feel like i'm in the right headspace to continue so, i'll clock out early. and, i promise, as soon as i get home and then as soon as jensen gets home, you'll be receiving text messages from me, don't worry. again, thank you for firing todd and richard and for sticking up for me, i know everyone else has but, having you also stick up for me just makes it a little bit better..." you trailed off as your boss nodded his head and watched as you left his office, a little less of the world weighing you down as you walked out then what you had when you walked in

jared padalecki:

i know you haven't made your mind up yet but i would never do you wrong. i've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in mind where you belong.

you hated being in this position. your childhood best friend, jared padalecki (yes the jared padalecki from gilmore girls and newly supernatural was your childhood best friend) had just professed his undying and neverending love for you just hours before he was to leave for supernatural's second year of filming for season two yet, you couldn't give him a yes or no answer. so, you just stood there, in the lounge room of his san antonio, texas childhood loungeroom, like an utter loser as you just stared at your best friend.

"...umm, i...i'm sorry what...what did you just say jared?" you managed to finally stammer out as jared let out a shaky breath, letting you know he was about to cry and you hated it - you hated being the reason that your best friend was crying

you could tell that jared didn't want to repeat himself and was about to leave so you stepped forward and grabbed his hand, "no, don't...please don't leave jared...i just, i know what you said, i heard it but i just...can i...maybe...have some time to think about my answer?" you stammered out as you held jared's hand tighter as his tears started to trickle down his cheeks as his lip trembled

"umm...yeah, sure....that...that's fine, y.n. i...i'm sorry, i shouldn't...i shouldn't have put you on the spot like that i just...i wanted to tell you before i leave for season two of supernatural and i just...truthfully, i panicked and i just--"

"--hey, jared, calm down bubs. it's fine, you didn't put me on the spot, i just wasn't expecting it but, that doesn't mean i shouldn't not have expected it at all either. but, i'm still okay to think about my answer?" you reassured jared as he nodded his head to your question of still wanting to think about your answer and if it was okay

"yeah, absolutely, you can think about your answer, take as long or as little as you want, there is no timetable whatsoever, i just wanted to tell you before i left so, yeah..." jared smiled shyly, wiping away some extra tears off his cheeks as you smiled and moved closer

"...yeah, i get it j. you didn't want to leave anything unsaid before leaving so you said it all now, it wouldn't be the first time we've done this. because, if i remember right, we had a similar if not same exact conversation when we were sixteen and seventeen right before you left for los angeles for gilmore girls and i gave you the same exact answer except, i never gave you the answer to your question but, this time, i promise i will because i think this time i'm ready to accept the truth and not be selfish anymore..." you trailed off, giving a quick kiss to jared's head leaving him confused as he turned around

"...selfish? you're never selfish, y.n..." jared whispered but you still heard it and you smiled as you opened the front door

"...i never intended to but, yes, i was this time j. have fun on set love and i'll be there at the airport waiting for you and jensen to come home!" you smiled and left without another word as jared was still confused but didn't try to pursue anything more since he was needed at the airport within minutes

jared had been having the best time on set with jensen and the other cast memebers of supernatural but, even that fun couldn't stop the fear of what your answer to his question was going to be when he reunites with you later tonight in austin airport. he loved you dearly, you both knew this since like mentioned earlier, it wasn't the first time jared had professed his more than platonic love for you and you had rejected jared's advances and honestly, looking back on your sixteen-year-old self now as a twenty-one-year-old, you thought it was quite selfish as you remembered the same tearful, devastated face that little seventeen-year-old jared shared with the same but older, twenty-two-year-old jared the second time you "rejected" him. you couldn't keep on pretending that you too hadn't fallen head over heels in love with jared like he had with you because, you really had fallen in love with him and probably first fell in love with him when you truthfully first met him when you guys were in primary school, never realising it until you were sixteen, when jared first tried to ask you out after expressing his love for you. you knew he would never do you wrong and treat you like an absolute queen, seriously, he had seen you be mistreated since you were sixteen, after he left for los angeles and it bothered him so bad that he couldn't do anything to stop it. even after he pleaded with his dad, gerald, to keep an extra close eye on you to make sure there were no physical injuries, you still refused to believe that your ex-boyfriends were abusive and bad because you didn't want to believe you were in love with your childhood best friend who you'd known since first grade in primary school.

except, now that you had the conversation a second time with jared at an older and slightly more mature age and just before you two would be apart for the best of a few months, you finally realised you couldn't be selfish anymore and you could no longer hide your true affection for jared anymore. so you didn't want to hide it anymore. as you impatiently waited at austin airport with danneel, jensen ackles' girlfriend, you went back and forth in your mind of how you were going to tell jared that in fact, you too were in love with him and you wanted to be with him for as long as forever. but, just as you could think up of what you wanted to say to jared, you heard danneel let out the loudest scream in the world, danneel yanking on your hand as you looked up.

and all of a sudden, you couldn't stop your hand from sliding out of danneel's or your legs from moving forward. bursting out into tears, you ran as fast as you could as you barely noticed the way jared's face lit up in excitement and slight anxiousness as you ran closer to him. since you were a loud crier, you basically had the entire arrivals terminal staring at you and not just because there was a tv show cast returning home via a normal commerical airplane and walking through a regular airport terminal rather than a private one right at the back of the airport where no one else would see them return home and potentially infiltrate them.

you finally got closer to jared who quickly dropped his duffle bag and opened his arms knowing you were going to jump into them since it was something you always did however, this time, it was different and he couldn't understand why until...

...you grabbed his face and kissed him in the most passionate way you had ever kissed anyone before in your entire life. jared, at first, of course was shellshocked and understandably, mortified but, as soon as he tasted the saltiness of the tears streaming down your cheeks on his lips, he didn't hesitate a second longer and started kissing you back as cheers, applauses and wolf-whistles galore filled the arrival terminal at austin airport as jared's castmates jensen ackles and lauren cohen watched on as danneel held tightly onto her own boyfriend with the biggest smiles on her. all of them happy that jared would no longer have to be devastated or fearful of his best friend not reciprocating her obvious love for him anymore.

"...i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you jared! i love you so fucking much and i am so sorry for being so selfish not telling you. i didn't really need time to think ahout my answer, i just said those things because i didn't want to allow myself to believe that i was in love with my best friend and it was so selfish of me and i cannot believe i made you cry like that and i just wish i could---"

kissing you again, jared pulled apart this time after initiating the second kiss, "---shut up will you, y.n, you really must love the sound of your voice if you're still too thick in the head to think i don't forgive you because i do forgive you. believe me, it took me way too long to pull my own head out of my arse because i also refused to believe that i was in love with my best friend as well. but, i put on my big boy pants and i told you two times, once when i was seventeen and about to leave for los angeles and the second time when i was twenty-two and leaving for supernatural's second season because i didn't want to leave you without thinking i had forgotten anything. and i didn't because i told you that i was head over heels in love with you and unlike anyone else i'd ever loved before. and it broke my heart hearing you say you needed more time to think about it even though you had given me the same answer the first time and actually never gave me a response because you just couldn't face it at the time and that's okay because this time you did and i couldn't have loved you anymore y.n. i mean...i...i've known it from the moment we met and there was no doubt in my mind where you belong and that's with me and no one else..." jared trailed off, tears welling in his eyes as you smiled as you initiated a third and one last kiss as the both of you couldn't stop laughing and crying and hugging each other

although it had taken years upon years of selfishly pretending you weren't in love with your best friend, you were glad it had taken a second year of supernatural being filmed in vancouver, canada to kick your arse and head into gear as well as it (your head) being removed from your arse and realise that you couldn't be selfish anymore. and you had to acknowledge that you couldn't fall in love with someone else because it was always going to be jared. and now, as you held tightly onto one another as you walked through austin airport with the rest of the supernatural cast and danneel, you couldn't be any happier with your life now that you had jared with you forever and he was more than just your "childhood best friend".

misha collins:

i'd go hungry, i'd go black and blue, i'd go crawling down the avenue. no, there's nothin' that i wouldn't do, to make you feel my love

you struggled to believe it. misha utterly refused to believe it. and he wished there was something he could have done to prevent it from happening...

"...mr collins...did you hear what i just said?" misha lifted his head up from staring at the carpeted floor in your, his wife's oncologist's office, with eyes that couldn't lie - your husband hadn't been listening at all to anything your oncologist had just said during the entire duration of them being in there

"ah, no i...i didn't, sorry, what were we talking about doctor marshall?" misha gulped as he squeezed your hand tighter as you smiled with a soft and tenderness at him as doctor marshall smiled too

"don't apologise mr collins, things like this can happen, especially because of how difficult it can be to comprehend your spouse having what can turn into a terminal illness, a lot of spouses will often pretend they didn't hear the diagnosis because they don't want to believe that their other half could be so sick..."

oh, that's why they were visitin doctor marshall, he was giving a diagnosis to you, misha's wife, in regards to all the blood tests and other scans that you had been doing after you had been dealthly sick and no one, not even your local gp in austin, texas, could provide you with an answer so they referred you over to doctor marshall in downtown austin. misha had completely forgotten about that since he had been worrying about everything else that he couldn't even remember why he was in downtown austin with his wife and almost bursting out into tears in doctor marshall's office.

"...oh, umm, doctor marshall, will...is y.n able to undergo rounds of chemotherapy or any other form of can...treatment for her illness?" misha stammered out as tears started to get him choked up as you stayed stoic and comforted your husband - you had a feeling that this doctor's appointment wouldn't be a happy and easy one to get through

"now, mr collins, of course she is able to. we always suggest that the smartest and most logical idea, especially when we detect and diagnose the cancer early that going through treatment will give us and your wife the highest rate of surviving her cancer which is what we want. but, of course, we can't just force y.n to undergo treatment just for our own selfish needs. it has to be of her own wishes and accord because we don't know if the person suffering with the illness really wants to go through the process of the treatment and its side effects that it comes with as well as the long and constant hospital stays as an inpatient. so, if the both of you need some time to hash it out, i am absolutely fine with giving you guys a chance to chat and decide whether or not you, y.n, would like to go through with treatment or if you don't and after that, we can go from there, alright?" doctor marshall explained as you and misha nodded your heads as you held each others hands tighter

you knew this was breaking your husbands heart, he had lost his own friend to cancer a few years back just before supernatural returned from their hiatus and now, he had to go through that all over again with his wife? how on earth was that fair to misha? it wasn't, it wasn't fair at all. however, you were determined to survive and beat your cancer for misha's friend who wasn't able to. you were determined to get to the end of your chemotherapy and ring that goddamn bell at the end of it all for those who never got to.

"...so, doctor marshall wants us to discuss the idea of me going through treatment, so, how do you feel about me doing that?" you questioned, your head tilting to the side as misha looked at you as though you were insane - which, in fairness, you were a little bit but, that's why misha fell in love with you in the first place

"why are you asking me this, y.n? how do you the one who's actually going to through it, feel about it? this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you, just like doctor marshall said, just because i may want and heavily suggest you do it, if you don't want to do it, i respect your decision and will do everything i can do to make this journey easier for you! this is not my decision to ultimately make, babe!" misha's tears were still heard in his voice although his sobs had calmed down as you sighed and nodded your head, smiling softly

"okay. well, it wasn't a hard decision, mish. i want to go through with the chemotherapy, especially because doctor marshall said that we caught it early that i have a higher chance of surviving. i...i want to ring that bell at the end of chemo because your friend never got to ring that bell and i want to do that. i can't bare the thought of you losing another person you love with your entire beating heart to cancer because that's just unfair. so, it's best i start now when it's still early in the cancer to do so..." you trailed off, your heart breaking as your husband's sobs returned at the mention of his best friend's death to cancer alongside the possibility of his own wife losing her cancer battle as well

"...i can't either, y.n. i can't lose you either! i barely survived losing [best friend], i can't lose you too! i don't want to!" misha sobbed as he folded in on himself, his pain immeasurable as you reached over the chair's arm and hugged your husband as tightly as you possibly could as he wept

...psh, yeah, happily ever after my arse! once again, almost like a coda to the day you were diagnosed with cancer, you were stoic and unemotional whilst misha, your husband was almost weepy at doctor marshall's check-up with you at the cancer hospital in downtown austin. for some context, not too long after that doctor's appointment where you were first officially diagnosed, within a month, you were admitted to downtown austin's cancer hospital as an in-patient so you could start your cancer treatment basically straight away to give you the best chance of survival and eliminating the cancer all together.

however, this is where the "pssh, yeah, happily ever after my arse!" comes from because, just this last couple weeks, you'd been blindsided with a dangerous infection in your bloodstream which nearly rendered you into a coma if the nurses hadn't noticed in time. and, even though, like your cancer, the nurses caught the infection early, it still didn't stop you from being in dangerous waters. so, you had to constantly fight every single day by forcing yourself to keep your eyes open, to eat, to drink and to walk around the upper cancer unit for ten minutes a day before returning back to your hospital room so you could then spend a couple of hours with misha and someone else that he'd invite to come with him. the "someone else" was usually jared, jensen or rob but today, it was all three of them because your oncology team had a terrible gut feeling and whilst they wished it to be a false alarm, they wanted to make sure misha had enough people around him to comfort him if their gut feeling was to follow through and come true.

misha was currently sitting uncomfortably, with his legs crossed like when you were kids at primary school sitting on the floor, his right elbow resting on the arm of the chair and his left arm stretching over to hold yours as you rested, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, your chest ever so slightly rising and falling tucked away under the sheets of your hospital bed. tears were constantly threatening to dribble down his cheeks as he constantly willed them away as he breathed shakily in and out, his hand occasionally coming up from the chair arm and covering his mouth for the times he couldn't help a sob and it's escape. and standing all around the rest of the room were his three castmates, jared, jensen and rob and they were helpless in knowing how to console their castmate. none of them had gone through the loss of someone they love due to cancer and now the possibility of the same thing was happening to his wife. although you were currently unconscious but breathing, you just knew that misha wished it was him in the hospital bed with cancer and this mysterious yet dangerous blood infection, it was completely obvious because misha had been that way ever since you two started dating and even before that when you two were just best friends.

and, suddenly, out of pure fight that you still had left in you, you opened your eyes more determined then ever whilst misha wailed the same way he did when his best friend took his last breath with jared providing him with some comfort as he kind of rested on top of him, his arms around misha's waist which moved each sob which made jared move slightly. jensen and rob not too far behind when jensen's eyes widened, his teary eyes, since misha wasn't the only one in a grief-like state, spoke up in a whisper.

"...mish...y.n's woken up..." jensen whispered and as misha and jared both heard that sentence, their heads shot up and more tears poured down misha's face as he touched your face, jared's arms letting go of his hold on misha

"...oh, baby! are you okay? are you hurt? what hurts? do i need to get the nurse what's--"

"--calm down babe, breathe. yes, i'm okay darling. i'm not hurt, i'm just a little numb and stiff due to the way i've been lying down. and yes, getting the nurse would be a great idea, and i think you should do it because you've been holed up in this room longer than anyone else has. jared, jensen and rob will take immense care of me for the five or so minutes you step out of this room to grab the nurse so don't have a freak out, alright love? i'm still here, i haven't left and i won't leave...now go, get the nurse and doctor marshall," you may have just woken up but that didn't mean you were tired or exhausted because you weren't, truthfully, you felt more alive than you'd ever felt before

agreeing and too tired to think about arguing, misha nodded his head and unlatched his grip from yours and left the hospital room to fetch the nurse and doctor marshall, "okay, i'll be back love. have some water, you must be thirsty, jared'll help you if you need it," misha smiled softly with a tender kiss to your temple as you smiled as you watched him walk out, wiping away his wet cheeks and to the left to the reception desk so they could page for the nurse and doctor marshall

let's just say, from how calm and smiley both the nurse and doctor marshall were, it seemed as though their gut feeling was wrong and the blood infection had been caught early and it looked as though you were going to make an amazing recovery. from not just the infection but also from the cancer and that was why the rest of downtown austin's cancer hospital could hear cheers, screams and just outright excitement coming out of room 4580.

alexander calvert:

when the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love.

you couldn't stay strong anymore so you didn't. you had returned home from vancouver, canada to austin, texas to hold a vigil back in your childhood home for your father who was dying due to respiratory distress and it had just been confirmed that your father had died. you didn't want to believe it, i mean, what nineteen-year-old wanted to believe that their father has just died after months and months of being bedridden after being diagnosed with respiratory distress? the doctors promised you, promised your whole family that with some sort of miracle drug that was very new but already so revoulationary and able to cure the disease that you were beside yourself that their promise fell on deaf hands and deaf ears. how dare they lie to you and your family? how dare they provide you with such comfort and solace that your dad was going to survive only for him to die months later in his bed in the very home you had every single childhood memory up until age twelve when you moved to austin, texas after your parents civily split up. and right now, you just cried. your body fell forward as a loud and guttural sob that sounded as though it was from an animal that was dying fell from your mouth as your knees hit the ground, your arms falling onto your father's bed on which he laid on in his final moments.

it was in that moment that the rest of your siblings, mum and doctor left the master bedroom as you continued to weep, wishing only for the dark to become light again, wishing for your father to open his eyes and just say he was joking even though he knew that would be a too crude joke to play on his ever-loving family who had never done a thing wrong to deserve that type of tasteless joke. your mum, whilst devastated over the loss of her ex-husband, knew you'd be the most devastated about this and was thankful, praising god that she remembered that alexander calvert, your boyfriend and a rising actor was in downtown austin. specifically, for a week-long run of commericals and made the smart decision to ring him up to let him know that your father had died and that you needed comfort but the only person who could really provide her with the right comfort was alex.

due to your wailing and complete ignorance to the world around you, you hadn't noticed the gentle touch of your gorgeously talented but ever so empathetic and sweetheart of a boyfriend, alex. however, because you could feel the slight chance in the air, you could tell without lifting your head up off of your father's bed and current resting place that someone was next to you. it wasn't until you heard his soft voice that you knew instantly by the way of his accent and how it was obvious he too had spent time crying himself, that it was your boyfriend next to you and not a family member who just carelessly decided to check in on you just for the sake of it.

"...y.n, baby, you can rest now..." alex's soft voice, that sounded like he too had been crying after recieving the phone call from your mother sounded from beside you as you finally lifted your head up from the warm blankets and sheets of your father's bed

"...alex...what...what are you doing here? you're supposed to be in downtown austin with the commerical film crew, what..." you trailed off, your voice croaky and hoarse from all the wailing you had been doing for what felt like eternity at this stage

"...you are more important, y.n. your mum called me, she told me what had happened..." alex's voice stopped as he got all choked up as tears welled in his eyes as you struggled to hold yourself together again

"...he...my dad's dead alex...he...he isn't coming back...he...he's never going to wake up again..." you sobbed as you fell, instead of collapsing forward onto the bed, you fell sideward onto alex who caught you and held you as more sobs jolted your tired body

"...i know darling and i am so sorry. i wish i could say anything that could ease this hurt but i know nothing can do that!" alex whispered as he held you, rocking the both of you back and forth as tears streamed down the both of your faces whilst your dad's lifeless body laid in rest on the top of the bed that you were still hunched over

the evening started to shadow the master bedroom of your childhood home and you could see the light of the stars started to appear, there was an obvious brighter star that shone the brightest out of all of them. it was clear that that star was none other than your dad reassuring you and the rest of the family that he was safe and that he'd always be there to shine bright every single night. last time your family went through a bereavement, you and alex were only best friends and he was in vancouver and you were in austin which meant that he wasn't just a 45-minute drive away to wipe away all your tears over the loss of your grandpapa when you were a mere twelve-year-old returning back to austin in the same way nineteen-year-old you had returned to austin to stand vigil at your now-dead father's bedside. it was a weird sense of deja vu or like a coda in a movie or song but, this time you were just grateful that you had alex here with you to comfort you and to dry your tears, to hold you for a million years.

"...alex...i love you so much..." you whispered, your eyes only just staying open since it was now midnight and you and alex were still sitting vigil in your father's bedroom hours after his death date had been called

"...i love you too baby...i think it's time we get some rest and go to sleep? what do you think?" alex whispered as you couldn't help but agree, although you wanted to stay in this room with your father for the rest of eternity, you knew you couldn't do that

"yeah, i don't think dad would want us crying at his bedside for the rest of our lives. i think if he had the ability to become a ghost, he'd definitely tell us off for crying over him *tearful giggles*. besides, i'm exhausted and it's nearly thirty minutes after midnight and you have a commerical to film tomorrow that i don't want you falling asleep during so, it's time for bed..." you trailed off with a broken smile, standing up off the floor from your kneeling grief position and held out your hand for alex to grab it

- - -

this was a bit of a fun little thing to write but it was very sad so i do apologise for that however, i do like this chapter very well. i realised the first few of these chapters have been depressing so i need to write happier ones!

ok ily bye xx

wc; 6732

#supernatural cast #angst #a pinch of fluff if you squint #make you feel my love #misha collins #jared padalecki #jensen ackles #alexander calvert

6 notes · View notes

amberswilddreams · 2 months ago

Text

make you feel my love💔

pairing : mark feehily x m!reader, nicky byrne x fem!reader, kian egan x fem!reader and shane filan x fem!reader

summary : through the lyrics of shane filan's "make you feel my love" we see the four members of westlife loving their partner through everything and anything

warnings : tears, fluff, workplace homophobia, mentions of abuse, mentions of illness

a/n : this came out of nowhere lol, please enjoy! also bold italics is lyrics, italics is like flashbacks and everything else is the regular font.

mark:

when the rain is blowin' in your face and the whole world is on your case, i could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.

today had been the worst day in the world for you and you wish you could understand why. also wishing that you were exaggerating. first off, it was raining cats and dogs outside, so loud you personally thought your work building would collapse in on itself and it utterly terrified you. and two, it seemed as though your whole office building and everyone inside of it was on your case and trying to nit-pick at every little thing you did. whether that was in regards to you doing your job properly or just breathing, someone in your office had something to say about it and it almost made you want to scream. but, you remembered you actually liked this job and didn't want to lose it all because you lost control once at a time when you were defending yourself from everyone else's ridicule and judgement. you knew that when things like this happened, when the rain was blowing in your face and the whole world was on your case that your boyfriend, mark, would offer you a warm embrace, making you feel his undying love for you.

however, he still hadn't returned from a summer show in dublin so unfortunately, your boyfriend wasn't going to be home the same time you returned home from work. so, you just sucked those tears back up and pushed on through the rest of the work day. only hoping that no one else would try to test you otherwise you would start to bawl your eyes out and not have the ability to stop. cause once you start, you could find it quite difficult for yourself to stop crying.

continuing your customer service job, which truthfully you didn't need due to your boyfriend's extravagent job but, you still loved it. it started to eventually come to the end of your work shift. when you and the two other work colleagues that were incessant on causing you to almost have a mental breakdown, you just hoped it wasn't you getting yelled at again. and, you somehow managed a shaky breath of relief when you saw the body language your boss had in regards to your colleagues in comparison to you.

"---sir, i'm sorry but, what on earth are we doing in here with...him?" the older work colleague of yours jeered with attitude in his voice as your boss gave him a sharp look whilst you stayed silent, looking anywhere but at your boss and the two other colleagues

"why do you think, todd?" your boss matched todd's attitude as the man stepped down as he gulped before your boss couldn't stop himself from continuing

"why do you both think it's okay to constantly bother y.n when he's just peacefully doing his job like everyone else, just like he's supposed to? don't you ever get tired of being incessant bullies? don't you ever think that i can actually hear all this bullying and abuse that you're aiming at y.n? do you ever step back and think to yourself how much stress and harm you are putting on him? do you ever step back and wonder if your words actually cause harm to your fellow work colleagues or are you just so ignorant that you no longer care anymore? because that's what i think of you todd and of you as well, richard, and i wish i had found out about this earlier so i could have let you both go before it could have escalated this far. and y.n, i am so incredibly sorry that it's taken this long for me to take action because this behaviour...this homophobic behaviour is never and will never be tolerated in my workplace, not today, not ever! so, todd, richard, it's with my greatest pleasure that today is your final day at this job and you will be fired. because how you behave towards your other work colleagues is simply not tolerable any longer. i'd like to say i wish you both the best but, i'd honestly be lying if i said that so, let's hope the next time i have to see or hear about either of you, both your guys' heads will have been removed out of arses. but in saying that, i don't have high hopes for that...grab your things the both of you and leave, i want you guys clocked out and out of the building before the end of the day..." the man was no longer allowing this abusive behaviour and you couldn't help but feel thankful to him, it was also quite hilarious to see how todd and richard reacted

for those who wanted a mental image of the way these two grown ass adults reacted to their firing was them basically throwing fits in the way a child would if they were told "no, you cannot play on the tablet (child's name) your screen time for the day has finished". as much as you wanted to laugh, you found yourself not being able to because you were just so exhausted from this long and quite frankly traumatic day that you just wanted it to be over. just so you could go home and cacoon yourself in blankets on the couch as you then wait for your boyfriend mark to return home from his show in dublin with westlife. but then you remembered that you still had a job to finish and, just as you went to leave your boss's office, he stopped you.

"...oh, y.n, before i let you go, i am terribly sorry that you had to deal with todd and richard constantly on your case today and every other day. you didn't deserve it and it was completely unwarranted every single time. i wish i had done this firing sooner because they truly don't deserve a place in my workplace if they are being disrespectful to my fellow employees. but especially because of their sexual orientation which is something that is uncontrollable. also, if you wish to, i give you full permission to clock out earlier today since i know how exhausted you are from all of their abuses you've recieved. all i ask is that if you do leave early, that i get a text message reassuring me that you've got home safely, alright? and another one when mark gets home from dublin since i remember you telling me that he returns back tonight, because i want to know that you're being taken care of properly, okay?" tears welled in your eyes as you smiled, making eye contact with your boss as you nodded your head

"thank you sir. all of this has been well appreciated and, i'll be leaving work early since i don't think i feel like i'm in the right headspace to continue so, i'll clock out early. and, i promise, as soon as i get home and then as soon as mark gets home, you'll be receiving text messages from me, don't worry. again, thank you for firing todd and richard and for sticking up for me. i know everyone else has but, having you also stick up for me just makes it a little bit better..." you trailed off as your boss nodded his head and watched as you left his office, a little less of the world weighing you down as you walked out then what you had when you walked in

let's just say you were happily surprised and relieved when you came home to see your boyfriend already home. with his arms open ready to comfort you whilst you just unloaded on him after sending a message letting your boss know you had got home safely and that mark had too and was there with his arms open waiting.

nicky:

i know you haven't made your mind up yet but i would never do you wrong. i've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in mind where you belong.

you hated being in this position. your childhood best friend, nicky byrne (yes the nicky byrne from westlife was your childhood best friend) had just professed his undying and neverending love for you just hours before he was to leave for westlife's next big world tour. yet, you couldn't give him a yes or no answer. so, you just stood there, in the lounge room of his baldoyle home in dublin, ireland, like an utter loser as you just stared at your best friend.

"...umm, i...i'm sorry what...what did you just say nicky?" you managed to finally stammer out as nicky let out a shaky breath, letting you know he was about to cry and you hated it - you hated being the reason that your best friend was crying

you could tell that nicky didn't want to repeat himself and was about to leave so you stepped forward and grabbed his hand, "no, don't...please don't leave nicky...i just, i know what you said, i heard it but i just...can i...maybe...have some time to think about my answer?" you stammered out as you held nicky's hand tighter as his tears started to trickle down his cheeks as his lip trembled

"umm...yeah, sure....that...that's fine, y.n. i...i'm sorry, i shouldn't...i shouldn't have put you on the spot like that i just...i wanted to tell you before i leave for tour with westlife and i just...truthfully, i panicked and i just--"

"--hey, nicky, calm down bubs. it's fine, you didn't put me on the spot, i just wasn't expecting it but, that doesn't mean i shouldn't not have expected it at all either. but, i'm still okay to think about my answer?" you reassured nicky as he nodded his head to your question of still wanting to think about your answer and if it was okay

"yeah, absolutely, you can think about your answer, take as long or as little as you want. there is no timetable whatsoever, i just wanted to tell you before i left so, yeah..." nicky smiled shyly, wiping away some extra tears off his cheeks as you smiled and moved closer

"...yeah, i get it nico. you didn't want to leave anything unsaid before leaving so you said it all now, it wouldn't be the first time we've done this. because, if i remember right, we had a similar if not same exact conversation when we were fifteen and sixteen right before you left for leeds united and i gave you the same exact answer. except, i never gave you the answer to your question but, this time, i promise i will. because i think this time i'm ready to accept the truth and not be selfish anymore..." you trailed off, giving a quick kiss to nicky's head leaving him confused as he turned around

"...selfish? you're never selfish, y.n..." nicky whispered but you still heard it and you smiled as you opened the front door

"...i never intended to but, yes, i was this time nico. have fun on tour love and i'll be there at the airport waiting for you five to come home!" you smiled and left without another word as nicky was still confused but didn't try to pursue anything more since he was needed at the airport within minutes

nicky had been having the best time on tour with his westlife bandmates but, even that fun couldn't stop the fear of what your answer to his question was going to be when he reunites with you later tonight in dublin airport. he loved you dearly, you both knew this since like mentioned earlier, it wasn't the first time nicky had professed his more than platonic love for you and you had rejected nicky's advances. and honestly, looking back on your fifteen-year-old self now as a twenty-year-old, you thought it was quite selfish. as you remembered the same tearful, devastated face that little sixteen-year-old nicky shared with the same but older, twenty-year-old nicky the second time you "rejected" him. you couldn't keep on pretending that you too hadn't fallen head over heels in love with nicky like he had with you. because, you really had fallen in love with him and probably first fell in love with him when you truthfully first met him when you guys were in primary school. never realising it until you were fifteen, when nicky first tried to ask you out after expressing his love for you. you knew he would never do you wrong and he'd treat you like an absolute queen. seriously, he had seen you be mistreated since you were fifteen, after he left for leeds united and it bothered him so bad that he couldn't do anything to stop it. even after he pleaded with his dad, nikki sr, to keep an extra close eye on you to make sure there were no physical injuries. you still refused to believe that your ex-boyfriends were abusive and bad because you didn't want to believe you were in love with your childhood best friend who you'd known since first grade in primary school.

except, now that you had the conversation a second time with nicky at an older and slightly more mature age and just before you two would be apart for the best of a few months. you finally realised you couldn't be selfish anymore and you could no longer hide your true affection for nicky anymore. so you didn't want to hide it anymore. as you impatiently waited at dublin airport with the other westlife girlfriends, kerry and gillian, bryan and shane's girlfriend's, you went back and forth in your mind of how you were going to tell nicky that in fact, you too were in love with him and you wanted to be with him for as long as forever. but, just as you could think up of what you wanted to say to nicky, you heard kerry and gillian let out the loudest screams in the world, kerry yanking on your hand as you looked up.

and all of a sudden, you couldn't stop your hand from sliding out of kerry's or your legs from moving forward. bursting out into tears, you ran as fast as you could as you barely noticed the way nicky's face lit up in excitement and slight anxiousness as you ran closer to him. since you were a loud crier, you basically had the entire arrivals terminal staring at you. and not just because there was an award-winning, irish boy-band returning home via a normal commerical airplane and walking through a regular airport terminal rather than a private one right at the back of the airport where no one else would see them return home and potentially infiltrate them.

you finally got closer to nicky who quickly dropped his duffle bag and opened his arms knowing you were going to jump into them since it was something you always did. however, this time, it was different and he couldn't understand why until...

...you grabbed his face and kissed him in the most passionate way you had ever kissed anyone before in your entire life. nicky, at first, of course was shellshocked and understandably, mortified. but, as soon as he tasted the saltiness of the tears streaming down your cheeks on his lips, he didn't hesitate a second longer and started kissing you back. as cheers, applauses and wolf-whistles galore filled the arrival terminal at dublin airport as nicky's bandmates, kian, bryan, shane and mark watched on as kerry and gillian held tightly onto their own boyfriends with the biggest smiles on their faces. all of them happy that nicky would no longer have to be devastated or fearful of his best friend not reciprocating her obvious love for him anymore.

"...i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you nicky! i love you so fucking much and i am so sorry for being so selfish in not telling you. i didn't really need time to think ahout my answer, i just said those things because i didn't want to allow myself to believe that i was in love with my best friend. and it was so selfish of me and i cannot believe i made you cry like that and i just wish i could---"

kissing you again, nicky pulled apart this time after initiating the second kiss, "---shut up will you, y.n, you really must love the sound of your voice if you're still too thick in the head to think i don't forgive you because i do forgive you. believe me, it took me way too long to pull my own head out of my arse because i also refused to believe that i was in love with my best friend as well. but, i put on my big boy pants and i told you two times, once when i was sixteen and about to leave for leeds and the second time when i was twenty and leaving for westlife's first ever headlining tour. and it was because i didn't want to leave you without thinking i had forgotten anything and i didn't because i told you that i was head over heels in love with you. and unlike anyone else i'd ever loved before and it broke my heart hearing you say you needed more time to think about it even though you had given me the same answer the first time and actually never gave me a response. because you just couldn't face it at the time and that's okay because this time you did and i couldn't have loved you anymore y.n. i mean...i...i've known it from the moment we met and there was no doubt in my mind where you belong and that's with me and no one else..." nicky trailed off, tears welling in his eyes as you smiled as you initiated a third and one last kiss as the both of you couldn't stop laughing and crying and hugging each other

although it had taken years upon years of selfishly pretending you weren't in love with your best friend, you were glad it had taken a westlife headlining world tour to kick your arse and head into gear. as well as it (your head) being removed from your arse and realise that you couldn't be selfish anymore. and you had to acknowledge that you couldn't fall in love with someone else because it was always going to be nicky. and now, as you held tightly onto one another as you walked through dublin airport with the rest of the westlife lads, kerry and gillian, you couldn't be any happier with your life. especially now that you had nicky with you forever and he was more than just your "childhood best friend".

kian:

i'd go hungry, i'd go black and blue, i'd go crawling down the avenue. no, there's nothin' that i wouldn't do, to make you feel my love

you struggled to believe it. kian utterly refused to believe it. and he wished there was something he could have done to prevent it from happening...

"...mr egan...did you hear what i just said?" kian lifted his head up from staring at the carpeted floor in your, his wife's oncologist's office, with eyes that couldn't lie - your husband hadn't been listening at all to anything your oncologist had just said during the entire duration of them being in there

"ah, no i...i didn't, sorry, what were we talking about doctor marshall?" kian gulped as he squeezed your hand tighter as you smiled with a soft and tenderness at him as doctor marshall smiled too

"don't apologise mr egan, things like this can happen. especially because of how difficult it can be to comprehend your spouse having what can turn into a terminal illness, a lot of spouses will often pretend they didn't hear the diagnosis because they don't want to believe that their other half could be so sick..."

oh, that's why they were visiting doctor marshall, he was giving a diagnosis to you, kian's wife, in regards to all the blood tests and other scans that you had been doing after you had been dealthly sick. and no one, not even your local gp in strandhill, sligo, could provide you with an answer so they referred you over to doctor marshall in north-west dublin. kian had completely forgotten about that since he had been worrying about everything else that he couldn't even remember why he was in north-west dublin with his wife and almost bursting out into tears in doctor marshall's office.

"...oh, umm, doctor marshall, will...is y.n able to undergo rounds of chemotherapy or any other form of can...treatment for her illness?" kian stammered out as tears started to get him choked up as you stayed stoic and comforted your husband - you had a feeling that this doctor's appointment wouldn't be a happy and easy one to get through

"now, mr egan, of course she is able to. we always suggest that the smartest and most logical idea, especially when we detect and diagnose the cancer early that going through treatment will give us and your wife the highest rate of surviving her cancer which is what we want. but, of course, we can't just force y.n to undergo treatment just for our own selfish needs. it has to be of her own wishes and accord because we don't know if the person suffering with the illness really wants to go through the process of the treatment and its side effects that it comes with as well as the long and constant hospital stays as an inpatient. so, if the both of you need some time to hash it out, i am absolutely fine with giving you guys a chance to chat and decide whether or not you, y.n, would like to go through with treatment or if you don't and after that, we can go from there, alright?" doctor marshall explained as you and kian nodded your heads as you held each others hands tighter

you knew this was breaking your husbands heart. he had lost his own dad to cancer back in 2009 just before westlife returned from their year off and now, he had to go through that all over again with his wife? how on earth was that fair to kian? it wasn't, it wasn't fair at all. however, you were determined to survive and beat your cancer for kian's dad kevin who wasn't able to. you were determined to get to the end of your chemotherapy and ring that goddamn bell at the end of it all for those who never got to.

reaching over doctor marshall's desk to the tissue box, you grabbed a few and handed them to your husband as he wetly giggled. grabbing one of them and wiping his tears after pocketing the others, "...thanks babe..." he muttered as you kissed his temple softly as you continued to squeeze his hand comfortingly

"...so, doctor marshall wants us to discuss the idea of me going through treatment. so, how do you feel about me doing that?" you questioned, your head tilting to the side as kian looked at you as though you were insane - which, in fairness, you were a little bit but, that's why kian fell in love with you in the first place

"why are you asking me this, y.n? how do you the one who's actually going to through it, feel about it? this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. just like doctor marshall said, just because i may want and heavily suggest you do it, if you don't want to do it, i respect your decision. and i will do everything i can do to make this journey easier for you! this is not my decision to ultimately make, babe!" kian's tears were still heard in his voice although his sobs had calmed down as you sighed and nodded your head, smiling softly

"okay. well, it wasn't a hard decision, kiki. i want to go through with the chemotherapy, especially because doctor marshall said that we caught it early that i have a higher chance of surviving. i...i want to ring that bell at the end of chemo because dad never got to, kevin never got to ring that bell and i want to do that. i can't bare the thought of you losing another person you love with your entire beating heart to cancer because that's just unfair. so, it's best i start now when it's still early in the cancer to do so..." you trailed off, your heart breaking as your husband's sobs returned at the mention of his dad's death to cancer alongside the possibility of his own wife losing her cancer battle as well

"...i can't either, y.n. i can't lose you either! i barely survived losing dad, i can't lose you too! i don't want to!" kian sobbed as he folded in on himself, his pain immeasurable as you reached over the chair's arm and hugged your husband as tightly as you possibly could as he weeped

"you won't lose me baby! i'm going to get through this cancer, i'm gonna ring that bloody bell. and then we're going to rest and then after that, we're gonna have as many kids as we possibly can and we're gonna live happily ever after, i promise..."

...psh, yeah, happily ever after my arse! once again, almost like a coda to the day you were diagnosed with cancer, you were stoic and unemotional. whilst kian, your husband was almost weepy at doctor marshall's check-up with you at the cancer hospital in north-west dublin. for some context, not too long after that doctor's appointment where you were first officially diagnosed, within a month, you were admitted to north-west dublin's cancer hospital as an in-patient. and that was so you could start your cancer treatment basically straight away to give you the best chance of survival and eliminating the cancer all together.

however, this is where the "pssh, yeah, happily ever after my arse!" comes from. because, just this last couple weeks, you'd been blindsided with a dangerous infection in your bloodstream which nearly rendered you into a coma if the nurses hadn't noticed it in time. and, even though, like your cancer, the nurses caught the infection early, it still didn't stop you from being in dangerous waters. so, you had to constantly fight every single day by forcing yourself to keep your eyes open. force yourself to eat, to drink and to walk around the upper cancer unit for ten minutes a day before returning back to your hospital room so you could then spend a couple of hours with kian and someone else that he'd invite to come with him. the "someone else" was usually nicky, shane or mark but today, it was all three of them because your oncology team had a terrible gut feeling. and whilst they wished it to be a false alarm, they wanted to make sure kian had enough people around him to comfort him if their gut feeling was to follow through and come true.

kian was currently sitting uncomfortably, with his legs crossed like when you were kids at primary school sitting on the floor. his right elbow resting on the arm of the chair and his left arm stretching over to hold yours as you rested, eyes closed, mouth slightly open. your chest ever so slightly rising and falling tucked away under the sheets of your hospital bed. tears were constantly threatening to dribble down kian's cheeks as he constantly willed them away as he breathed shakily in and out. his hand occasionally coming up from the chair arm and covering his mouth for the times he couldn't help a sob and it's escape. and standing all around the rest of the room were his three bandmates, shane, nicky and mark and they were helpless in knowing how to console their bandmate. none of them had gone through the loss of someone they love due to cancer. nicky did lose his dad to a heart attack but, obviously, that was different then the loss of kian's dad to cancer and now the possibility of the same thing happening to his wife. although you were currently unconscious but breathing, you just knew that kian wished it was him in the hospital bed with cancer and this mysterious yet dangerous blood infection. it was completely obvious because kian had been that way ever since you two started dating and even before that when you two were just best friends.

i mean, this man, this lunatic of a man who was crazy in love with you would go hungry for you. he'd go black and blue for you. he'd go crawling down the avenue for you. there was absolutely nothing this looney toon wouldn't do for you because if it showed you how much he loved you, he'd do it. he'd even switch places with you, have himself go through this cancer, the treatment and this awful, stressful, heartbreaking, scary blood infection. if it meant that you were okay and not worried every single day about whether or not you were actually going to end up ringing that bell at the end of your chemotherapy.

and, suddenly, out of pure fight that you still had left in you, you opened your eyes more determined then ever. whilst kian wailed the same way he did when his father took his last breath with shane providing him with some comfort as he kind of rested on top of him. his arms around kian's waist which moved each sob which made shane move slightly. mark and nicky not too far behind kian and shane when nicky's eyes widened, his teary eyes, since kian wasn't the only one in a grief-like state, spoke up in a whisper.

"...ki...y.n's woken up..." nicky whispered and as kian and shane both heard that sentence, their heads shot up and more tears poured down kian's face as he touched your face, shane's arms letting go of his hold on kian

"...oh, baby! are you okay? are you hurt? what hurts? do i need to get the nurse what's--"

"--calm down babe, breathe. yes, i'm okay darling. i'm not hurt, i'm just a little numb and stiff due to the way i've been lying down. and yes, getting the nurse would be a great idea, and i think you should do it because you've been holed up in this room longer than anyone else has. shane, nicky and mark will take immense care of me for the five or so minutes you step out of this room to grab the nurse so don't have a freak out, alright love? i'm still here, i haven't left and i won't leave...now go, get the nurse and doctor marshall," you may have just woken up but that didn't mean you were tired or exhausted because you weren't, truthfully, you felt more alive than you'd ever felt before

agreeing and too tired to think about arguing, kian nodded his head and unlatched his grip from yours and left the hospital room to fetch the nurse and doctor marshall, "okay, i'll be back love. have some water, you must be thirsty, shane'll help you if you need it," kian smiled softly with a tender kiss to your temple as you smiled as you watched him walk out, wiping away his wet cheeks and to the left to the reception desk so they could page for the nurse and doctor marshall

let's just say, from how calm and smiley both the nurse and doctor marshall were, it seemed as though their gut feeling was wrong. and the blood infection had been caught early and it looked as though you were going to make an amazing recovery. from not just the infection but also from the cancer. and that was why the rest of north-west dublin's cancer hospital could hear cheers, screams and just outright excitement coming out of room 4580.

shane:

when the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love.

you couldn't stay strong anymore so you didn't. you had returned home from ireland to wales, uk, to hold a vigil back in your childhood home for your father who was dying due to respiratory distress. and it had just been confirmed that your father had died. you didn't want to believe it. i mean, what nineteen-year-old wanted to believe that their father has just died after months and months of being bedridden after being diagnosed with respiratory distress? the doctors promised you, promised your whole family that with some sort of miracle drug that was very new but already so revoulationary and able to cure the disease that you were beside yourself that their promise fell on deaf hands and deaf ears. how dare they lie to you and your family? how dare they provide you with such comfort and solace that your dad was going to survive. only then for him to die months later in his bed in the very home you had every single childhood memory in up until age twelve when you moved to sligo, ireland after your parents civily split up. and right now, you just cried. your body fell forward as a loud and guttural sob that sounded as though it was from an animal that was dying fell from your mouth as your knees hit the ground. your arms falling onto your father's bed on which he laid on in his final moments.

it was in that moment that the rest of your siblings, mum and doctor left the master bedroom as you continued to weep. wishing only for the dark to become light again, wishing for your father to open his eyes and just say he was joking. even though he knew that would be too crude a joke to play on his ever-loving family who had never done a thing wrong to deserve that type of tasteless joke. your mum, whilst devastated over the loss of her ex-husband, knew you'd be the most devastated about this and was thankful. praising god that she remembered that shane filan, your boyfriend and member of ireland's boyband westlife, were in wales, cardiff. specifically, for a week-long run of concerts and made the smart decision to ring him up to let him know that your father had died and that you needed comfort. but the only person who could really provide her with the right comfort was shane.

due to your wailing and complete ignorance to the world around you, you hadn't noticed the gentle touch of your gorgeously talented but ever so empathetic and sweetheart of a boyfriend, shane. however, because you could feel the slight change in the air, you could tell without lifting your head up off of your father's bed and current resting place that someone was next to you. it wasn't until you heard his soft voice that you knew instantly by the way of his accent. and how it was obvious he too had spent time crying himself. that it was your boyfriend next to you and not a family member who just carelessly decided to check in on you just for the sake of it.

"...y.n, baby, you can rest now..." shane's soft voice, that sounded like he too had been crying after recieving the phone call from your mother sounded from beside you as you finally lifted your head up from the warm blankets and sheets of your father's bed

"...shay...what...what are you doing here? you're supposed to be in cardiff with the boys, what..." you trailed off, your voice croaky and hoarse from all the wailing you had been doing for what felt like eternity at this stage

"...you are more important, y.n. your mum called me, she told me what had happened..." shane's voice stopped as he got all choked up as tears welled in his eyes as you struggled to hold yourself together again

"...he...my dad's dead shane...he...he isn't coming back...he...he's never going to wake up again..." you sobbed as you fell, instead of collapsing forward onto the bed, you fell sideward onto shane who caught you and held you as more sobs jolted your tired body

"...i know darling and i am so sorry. i wish i could say anything that could ease this hurt but i know nothing can do that!" shane whispered as he held you, rocking the both of you back and forth as tears streamed down the both of your faces whilst your dad's lifeless body laid in rest on the top of the bed that you were still hunched over

the evening started to shadow the master bedroom of your childhood home and you could see the light of the stars started to appear. there was an obvious star that shone the brightest out of all of them. it was clear that that star was none other than your dad reassuring you and the rest of the family that he was safe and that he'd always be there to shine bright every single night. last time your family went through a bereavement, you and shane were only best friends and he was in ireland and you were in wales. which meant that he wasn't just a 45-minute drive away to wipe away all your tears over the loss of your grandpapa when you were a mere twelve-year-old returning back to wales in the same way nineteen-year-old you had returned to wales to stand vigil at your now-dead father's bedside. it was a weird sense of deja vu or like a coda in a movie or song. but, this time you were just grateful that you had shane here with you to comfort you and to dry your tears, to hold you for a million years.

"...shay...i love you so much..." you whispered, your eyes only just staying open since it was now midnight and you and shane were still sitting vigil in your father's bedroom hours after his death date had been called

"...i love you too baby...i think it's time we get some rest and go to sleep? what do you think?" shane whispered as you couldn't help but agree, although you wanted to stay in this room with your father for the rest of eternity, you knew you couldn't do that

"yeah, i don't think dad would want us crying at his bedside for the rest of our lives. i think if he had the ability to become a ghost, he'd definitely tell us off for crying over him *tearful giggles*. besides, i'm exhausted and it's nearly thirty minutes after midnight and you have a concert tomorrow that i don't want you falling asleep during so, it's time for bed..." you trailed off with a broken smile, standing up off the floor from your kneeling grief position and held out your hand for shane to grab it

and he did. with an identical broken smile, he grabbed your hand and stood up as well as you guys walked out of your father's bedroom. not forgetting to quietly close it behind you cause, even in death, it would be rude to loudly close your father's door when he's trying to sleep.

fin

i forgot just how sad my group westlife fics are jesus christ!

#westlife #shane filan #mark feehily #kian egan #nicky byrne #if any of these topics trigger you please do not read because it is not my fault if these triggers and warnings are ignored #angst

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