#because of school and also the fact that im disabled and i know that if i try to balance school + work i will break

[ceasarslegion]

No i dont think its a good thing to make hating children your entire personality but can i please just say that i dont like them and dont want to deal with screaming temper tantrums and meltdowns from other peoples kids (especially, ESPECIALLY when the parents are absolutely useless in dealing with them) without 30,000 people crawling out of the woodwork to assume that i think all kids should die

[archrries]

Asking my mom about her disability so I can give you all pretty accurate information on Viktor o7

She has post-polio, and has a leg brace like he does. So for all your "could Viktor do this?" questions, I go to my mother ♡ He most likely has a combination of things, but definitely seems to have post-polio. So yes, other things could stop him from these activities but overall, this is a swing at how it works for this aspect of his life.

What I know as of now about Viktor, most likely,

- could skateboard

- could drive a motorcycle

- drive a car (has to use good leg to press on pedals)

- does NOT sleep with the leg brace on

- dead silent when he takes the brace off

- my mom played sports that involved throwing more than running (softball (pitcher), volleyball, she did try out for football at some point but the coach didnt want a girl trying out)

- sigh...yes...he can do the deed without breaking a fucking hip. He isnt made of glass. Im not going into detail on this one thanks

- roller skating

- shoot a gun (idk why this is debated)(also though i will say that for some guns, the kick is too strong. The entire body is effected by polio, its just most severe in some parts like his leg)

- ice skating!!! I know this is a hot debate, she has gone ice skating

Ill ask my mom about more if you have any specific questions 👍

More info edit:

My Mom's leg has unfortunately gotten worse, which is nothing new considering it's been worsening her entire life, but this means her heel bone is now digging through the skin and muscle of her foot. She will be getting surgery to shave the bone down and hopefully that will help her to walk better on it again once it's healed. Take that as you will in reference to Viktor and his worsening condition. She has told me several times that she is in a lot of pain, which she typically does not vocalize.

- can carry kids around for short periods of time (she babysits my nieces and nephews constantly)

- can HAVE kids for that matter (for all your trans and mpreg needs 😭) though this certainly was a toll on her body even back when she was younger

- maybe this is just specific to her but every single time something gets mentioned that could even POSSIBLY be polio, she gets worried. I mentioned my little cousin being sick and suddenly not able to walk on her own (she is doing okay right now, no pain) and she instantly asked if she had drunk any dirty water (where polio is most commonly found) She freaked when my sister was born with a little wonky leg even though it's 1) not passed down from mother to child and 2) fixed itswlf within a month. All my siblings were immediately vaccinated for polio as well as other major things, though she gets very nervous about new vaccines because she got it from the polio vaccine which contained the live virus at the time (no longer used) She did not want me vaccinated for covid or HPV because of this worry.

- When she gets sick, she gets sick BAD. Last time she was sick, she was in a fever state for three days and doesn't remember a single thing.

- Fear of death, judgement, or being arrested has never really affected her. She has a DNR (which I'm not a fan of, but I understand if shit goes wrong, she doesn't want to be resuscitated just to experience way more pain), she's always lived on the crazy side but stopped once she had kids (I mean used to ride her motorcycle like she was trying to speed run death), always tells me I need to stop caring what people think cause she stopped giving a shit early on with all the bullying, she has in fact pulled a gun on a man for hurting me and the ONLY reason I think she didn't pull that trigger is because there was someone else in the way, she actively encourages cops, security, etc to try and stop her when it comes to the safety of her family (she most recently started shit with staff because my nephew broke his arm at school and no one will tell her what happened)

- She handles her farm pretty much alone. Chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, rabbits, turkeys. And I'm so sorry to say they are both long term and short stay animals....We only name pets. Anything without a name is sent to freezer camp 😭

- Which leads me to tell you she is a butcher, and has always hung up meat and quartered it herself. She also hunts, so she does it with venison too. Plus we try and use as much of the animal as possible as to respect it. So that's butchering, tanning hides, cleaning off bones, making twine.

- She loves to lie about what happened to her leg. Her favorite for kids is that she's a cyborg or a transformer. Most adults just assume military and she doesn't tell them otherwise. She used to tell ppl for a while that she jumped out of one of the towers on 9/11.......💀 crazy since she was born and raised in New York

[plural-on-paws]

May I expand. It’s not about the “animal packers” and etc. I believe that it’s nobody’s business. The issue is how nonsensical it sounds to say “I am an animal” out loud. People will laugh at you. You will damage your own relationships. Think. Is it worth it? And why do people act like that? Because it’s crazy.

There’s a popular conservative lie that is spread around of “litter boxes in schools” and “people identifying as animals” and that’s NOT REAL. It comes from a complete fabrication to make trans people look worse. Don’t try to make it real. I don’t care if it’s “been around for decades” that doesn’t change anything. It’s not about streamlining your identity to make it more digestible to outsiders who don’t understand, it’s about the threshold where “identity” crosses between “genuine insanity” and if you can’t SEE the clear line between those two things then there isn’t much hope for you.

Hey anon! Great to see you actually just hate therians! Hooray!

Even longer post, will also be under a cut!

Firstly, addressing the very popular but very wrong lie of "kids are using litter boxes in schools": These are for service animals. These are put in place by schools who have students (or teachers) who have disabilities that require them to bring a service animal to school with them. This has nothing to do with therianthropy, it is just a lie that Tiktok caught on to and spread it like wildfire.

(Now, to add in before this section, this isn’t to “throw clinical zoanthropes under the bus” with therian discourse. There’s nothing “wrong” with clinical zoanthropes, just like there’s nothing “wrong” with therians. I am simply stating facts. That’s it. I think it’s important to be educated about things like this. Let’s continue.)

Secondly, therianthropy is not "being crazy". It is not a mental illness, it is not a disability, it is not wrong. However, you may be interested im learning about "clinical lycanthropy" (or zoanthropy, different from therianthropy). This is an extremely rare, delusion-based psychiatric syndrome characterized by patients believing that they can or have physically transformed into a non-human animal. It is essentially the delusion that one can shapeshift into a werewolf (or similar animal). It is associated with psychosis (aka delusions and hallucinations). It is considered to be an expression of a psychotic or dissociative episode caused by another condition (like DID, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or depression).

This article describes a report done on clinical lycanthropy. Over 130 articles were screened and between 1852 and 2020, there were 43 cases of clinical lycanthropy identified. That's right. 43. Now, have you seen how many therians are on Tiktok? Yeah, more than 43. And they're definitely not from 1852. So how can you say that therianthropy is "being crazy"? And don't say "they're just delusional" because the only delusion that somewhat accurately presents like therianthropy is that of clinical lycan/zoanthropy. Professionals would know if someone is genuinely delusional, but why would they care about such a small group of people in the world?

There are also studies done on patients with clinical lycanthropy actually have differences in their brains. The part of the brain known to be involved with represent body shape can display unusual activation in patients with clinical lycanthropy, showing that when patients report their body changing and shapeshifting, they may genuinely be perceiving those feelings. Have therians ever claimed to you that they can feel their bones and skin and limbs shifting and changing to become that of a non-human animal? No, because therianthropy is not a delusion. There are often no physical feelings in the body of a therian when they, for example, experience phantom tails or ears etc. That begs the question, would you say that an amputee experiencing phantom limbs is psychotic?

So, people identifying as a non-human animal is real! There are reported cases of it in the medical field! Shocking, right? It must be crazy to you that there are documented medical cases of people identifying as animals, allllll the way back to 18-goddamn-52.

Thirdly, therianthropy has nothing to do with being trans. It never has, it never will. No one has ever claimed it to be. Being trans means that your assigned sex and birth does not match with how you perceive yourself and how you want others to perceive you. What you might be thinking of is being trans-species. This is okay too! It just means that your assigned species at birth (human, obviously) does not match with how you perceive yourself and how you want others to perceive you. See how I used two different words? Species and gender?

Plus not all therians are trans-species, like myself! Generally I don't have much of a desire to physically become a wolf or a cat or a shark. I'm comfortable being perceived as a human, even though sometimes I just wanna wag my tail and run around and put my ears back and growl! I know that some therians feel super uncomfortable in their human body and wish that they could change! And that's where the species-affirming packers come in. It's like being transgender but it is not! And no one is claiming it is.

Another thing is that a lot of therians tend to be neurodivergent. But you're not saying that therianthropy is ableist, are you? No, you're just trying to connect two dots that are miles away. Neurodiverse people can feel a disconnection with humanity, and that can explain for some people their alterhumanity. Of course, not all therians are neurodivergent nor do they believe that their neurodiversity are the root of their alterhumanity. Have a look at this poll from Reddit, almost two thirds of participants indicated that they're neurodiverse!

Now, being neurodivergent calls for being discriminated against in and of itself. Same with being LBGT+. And being any race except white. Do you really think that therians who are LBGT+ are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their sexual orientation or gender? No. Do you really think that therians who are neurodiverse are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their disabilities? No again. Do you really think that therians who are POC are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their race? Absolutely not.

Ultimately, people have been discriminating against POC, gay, trans and neurodivergent people long before they were called "weird" for being a therian. People have been killed over simply being gay or trans or neurodivergent or . Therians may receive death threats, yes, and that is disgusting behaviour from hateful people, but no one (to my knowledge) has been killed simply for being a therian. The discrimination against LGBT+, neurodivergent and POC communities runs way way way deeper than anyone saying "therians are weird". Do you think that therians in these communities are going to be more worried about being laughed at because they're a therian than being literally slaughtered for their race, disabilities, sexual orientation or gender? No! There are way worse problems for people to worry about than people saying they identify as animals! It truly is not that deep to say "I identify as an animal". Some people identify as inanimate objects but you don't seem to care about that (although there is nothing wrong with identifying as an inanimate object).

Also I can't even comprehend what you're talking about "streamlining your identity to make it more digestible". How is identifying as an animal more digestible than identifying as a man instead of a female like I was born as?

[jadeofblades]

Tadaaa!

First one is a 10th anniversary suit edit cause i hated the ugly one they made for him (also note the ladybug cufflinks) and second would be an outfit he would wear in V3 cause i felt like his school uniform tells you nothing about his interests/personality. I was thinking about how he could be a science educator and come to schools to teach kids about bugs (and he would amass a lot of the rainbow loom bracelets as gifts from the kids). Other details of note is that I made his pants looser so he can be flexible and climb trees to catch bugs, a back brace, a backpack that he has everything he needs for the day in, and a cicada necklace that he likes fidgeting with.

I love the fact that he doesnt wear shoes in the base design cause hello fellow sensory autistic, and i know they were doing the tarzan thing but i dont careeee. Sensory issues gonta >:)))

I love gonta so much and i relate so hard to his struggles with self hatred due to the perception of him being stupid and how everyone brushes him off because he has a disability. I was always treated like the dumb one up until recently because people could sense that I’m autistic, but now I’ve surrounded myself with people who treat me like an equal and aren’t friends with me to use me for whatever thing they want out of me. It makes me wonder how things could be different in V3 if people acknowledged his intellect and if he had genuine friends so he wouldn’t have to latch onto Kokichi who was only there to use Gonta as an emotional punching bag and self defense. Also with all the free time events with Shuichi, the writers still make it so Shuichi perceives gonta as the toddler in a teenagers body that everyone else does, which is sad in my opinion but thats to be expected.

I could rant about him for so long, i have so many headcanons for him :DDDD

AUGHHHHH THESE ARE SO GOOD!!!!!!! dark green is So his color especially for his prom suit ouuu,,, the back brace is such a good detail you know his slouch has got to be crazy (me honestly i cant even lie LMAO) yesss let him collect friendship bracelets!!!!!!

goddd dont even get me started..... Yeah, yeah, he deserves (and needed) some more genuine friends. So wish he and Shuichi interacted more outside of bonus content stuff, or just show him hanging out with the others more too, that couldve really made like chapter 3 and 4 and what not rly hit more with the student council and, you know, more. Like getting a better grabble and his thoughts and feelings with himself and the others before Tragedy struck.

and I totally feel you...... im not officially diagnosed but i do suspect autism a lot (or Something wrong with me) and i always struggled making and keeping friends. thankfully i wasnt really bullied but i definitely felt, Different from everyone else which made it hard to make and keep friends, so i was alone for most of my childhood. Hell even now i still struggle,, thank god for online friends thats all im saying LOL. I'm glad that you managed to find a group of genuine friends!!

[harrowharkwife]

for the character meme: dulcie or cam or pal or a character of ur choosing!!! hehe

!!!!! ty lem!! im gonna do my girl dulcie...

favorite thing about them: honestly just the way she's written- it never fails to make me emotional that she *is* explicitly written as being brave and strong, but tamsyn neatly sidesteps the "inspiration porn" ableist stereotype of writing a character as being brave/strong *because* they are sick. dulcie isn't brave or strong because of her illness. her strength and bravery are explicitly positioned, IMO, as being in response to surviving *ableism* and other people's condescension towards her and mistreatment of her, rather than surviving her illness itself, if that makes sense. her health is just a fact of her life, it's not moralized. which i really, really appreciate. it's a small shift, but it's very meaningful to me.

ALSO deeply special to me: her intentional and careful commitment to boundaries re: The Palamedes Of It All. a refreshing change of pace, as far as these books go vgjtjxdjt

least favorite thing about them: i mean. houser. :/

favorite line: three way tie between "truly, wonderful news for my haters," "i am sick of roses and horny for revenge," and "oops, there i go again, never doing what i'm told"

brOTP: gideon!!!!! i think it's a crying shame they've never met. i think they'd get along tremendously. the whole cytherea gideon thing was Horrid and Awful in so many ways, but it always Extra stings (in an adding-insult-to-injury sort of way) when i think about what it would have been like if gideon had REALLY met dulcinea, and not cyth. dulcie would've been a great friend for her, i think. they'd have been so good at making each other laugh

OTP: honestly these days it's cam? @ palamedes ily but get outta here gayboy it's yuri time now. plus i just love chewing on the concept of cam + comphet, and cam + subconscious internalized misogyny, and cam + gender, and cam + her relationships and interactions with other women. i think there's lots to explore there. camdulcie has a certain "when i was eight i didn't realize i had a crush on the new girl in my grade so i just wrote her a note that said 'get out of my school'" energy about it, To Me

nOTP: idk if i really have one for her, specifically? idk. ianthe or something, fuck it.

random headcanon: stoner. on all levels except physical she is taking fuckall huge bong rips. on the physical level though her lungs suck so i think she'd be a tincture girlie. she's got chronic pain she deserves it. am i projecting? you tell me

unpopular opinion: idk if this is an unpopular opinion exactly, but i always see people referring to thee rejected proposal as being something born primarily out of love/out of romantic intent? and i don't know if that's necessarily how i see it. it was CERTAINLY, and obviously, a factor. but at least from my interpretation of pal's monologue to cytherea at the end there, i get the sense that he had already accepted her boundaries in that regard, because he says he "understood that he was a child." and we also get camilla saying that his motivations in proposing were primarily a means-to-an-end way of getting her off the seventh and letting her die with dignity. iirc her exact words were like "so she could spend what time she had left with people who cared about her." like, don't get me wrong, i think pal is lying to himself if he says that being in love with dulcie wasn't PART of the motivation there. but i find it a lot more interesting in a worldbuilding and social commentary way to interpret the circumstances there as him offering, essentially, to be a hospice doctor at age 19, and marriage being the 'easiest' way to get her off the seventh/planet medical malpractice. there's an imperial misogyny ownership-through-marriage throughline there that's nauseating, as well as the implications re: disability and agency and autonomy, and i think that's all very interesting to explore. i think this view is supported in part by the paldulcie interaction in TUG, where she alludes to the idea that she was cognizant about the impact that bearing witness to death and loss up-close and personal like that changes a person, and that she didn't want to do that to pal and cam, especially given their age. i think it informa dulcie's character and grants her additional narrative agency to look at things from that angle, of her "no" being in reference to *both* the age gap AND her intentional choice to continue suffering on the seventh, rather than put two kids through being hospice caregivers and/or widowers at nineteen– no matter how many times and how sincerely they kept offering, no matter that she would've absolutely had a more peaceful and comfortable end-of-life HAD she accepted his proposal and gone to the sixth to die. i think it says a lot about her as a person, that choice. there's a quiet and meaningful responsibility to her as a person that i find fascinating. and her character is just sooooo firmly rooted in and informed by disability politics, on every level, and i feel like people don't engage with that aspect of her characterization enough!

song i associate with them: ooooh SO many, i have a whole playlist. but i think the biggest ones are

-the drama by kesha ("friday night, get too high, keep checking my pulse, am i dead yet?" / "in the next life i wanna come back, as a housecat as a housecat! i'd sleep and play in the sun, i'd be a fuckin' cute son of a gun!")

-avant gardener by courtney barnett (the whole song really, but especially the lines "the paramedic thinks i'm clever cause i play guitar, i think she's clever cause she stops people dyin'," and "i take a hit off an asthma puffer, i do it wrong, i was never good at smokin' bongs." i just think she'd love this song.)

-honorable mentions include stoned at the nail salon by lorde, life according to raechel by madison cunningham, rose-colored boy by paramore (@ palamedes, lmfao), picture me better by weyes blood, extraordinary machine by fiona apple, rubberband girl by kate bush, last words of a shooting star by mitski.

favorite picture of them: oh man well it obviously has to be my icon... art made for me by the lovely @franzias-cave !!!! based on the concept of "the woman is dying, please do her the decency of allowing her to look the part in fanart." my girl... she's a malign fairy, she's a hot-eyed wraith <3

ty lem this was so fun! i love my gworl :')

[commander-diomika]

Broke up with my therapist for three reasons

-price hike this year puts me $160 out of pocket per sesh. And she's just. Not that good.

-she keeps being sketchy about the fact that we're in the same communities and has thus stopped being a person I can talk to about my love life because she knows at least two ppl I'm fucking. It's kinda been OK until this point but the more time goes on I think she actually should have referred me on the first time it happened. Plus there was that time we both turned up to the same 'sensual touch' party (of like 100 ppl but still) and she didn't leave. Do I think it's fair to her that she should have to miss out on a fun night coz of a patient being there? No it kinda sucks. And the lines on this one were blurred coz it wasn't a full penetration sex party. But maybe she should work harder to have a patient load that she doesn't share community with!

(I have a friend who is a clinical psych that goes to sex parties and she is like "I will come to your sex party if there is a designated Clothes On start to the evening where I can identify if any of my patients or colleagues are there," and a couple of times she has turned up, gone "oopsie!" and left!! I'm sure she feels bummed out when it happens but that's just ethical practice and I have been starting to suspect my therapist is a bit more lax on this!)

-and three, I just don't really think we're doing any valuable therapeutic work anymore. Last sesh I was like "im loved, I'm resilient, Im working on all the stuff I want to, I have direction and purpose, when we started working together 18 months ago I was spinning my wheels and stuck and sad and I'm not any of those things anymore so... What should we talk about?"

She's kinda just been. Fine, ig. Part of that has been that I'm much much healthier than I used to be but also I think she just wasn't a great fit. I got her to sign off on my disability paperwork for school so she's now out lived her usefulness.

[yeahiwasintheshit]

i watched 'Gummo" last tonight and as i was watching it i vaguely remember why i hadnt seen it before, cause a friend back in college said that its "art school garbage", and as someone who helped a lot of film majors on their films and sat thru A LOT of art school garbage while in school, i didnt need to see that lol. all these years later, watching it now, its certainly more than just art school garbage, but ehhhhh not THAT much more. its very of its time, in that it felt very 90s... and not even in terms of what people are wearing... styles of clothes or whatever, but in the look of the film, like the shaky camera, fast editing, cameras it was shot with... like one scene is in 35mm, another its 8mm, another is video or theyre shooting a tv playing a scene... it felt very mtv music video in that way. but it was of its time, so i dont really fault it that much for that.

i do think there is something there, tho, that elevates it to something more interesting than typical crappy art school garbage. before i started watching it, i tried to think of what i did know about it, and all i could think of was the poster, the kid eating spaghetti, the kid with rabbit ears, chloe, and the girl creepily shaving her eyebrows. and even only knowing that, that pretty much kinda sums up the whole movie. gummo is experimental and non-linear with no real plot. its just kind of a bunch of scenes of these mostly young people in this town... not even sure id say its a character study either, cause there are no arcs to any of them really. it really is just scenes of all these very poor people. id say the dialogue is effective and rings true to these people. like it all felt very naturalistic. but just one scene after another. they could have jumbled up the scenes in almost any order and it wouldnt have mattered.

so at the beginning, the narrator comes on and says that this town, xenia, ohio was hit by a tornado where alot of people died many years earlier, and now these people have been surviving in this desolate town. then we meet the 2 protagonists, and theyre almost immediately about to kill a cat. what doesnt work for me is the director, harmony korine, trying to be shocking. like i get trying to establish how fucked up these kids lives are now, and that them killing small animals for money, and sport, is not a big deal to them, that they dont have morals or conscience, but its sort of the way it was shot and constantly going back to a dead cat, like close-ups of it hanging with its tongue out, it just said to me, "oh look at me, im a shocking young director, look at me, look how punk and shocking i can make this movie". its kinda juvenile and.. yes well... kinda art school-ish.

also its kinda exploitative, just to be shocking. like the 2 main kids go to this guys house to pay for sex with, idk if its his sister or who, but they pay him and one by one they go in, and then you discover the girl who is being prostituted out is a girl with down syndrome, and its almost kinda played as a joke, cause they put some homer simpsons shotgun whore make up on this poor girl. idk... it just feltl like a joke and not real to the scene... not that these horrible people in this town wouldnt take advantage of vulnerable people for their own gain, but idk, its the way it was shot, and almost the reveal of the fact that she was someone with disabilities, was a joke or exploitative or something. like i dont think id be opposed to using someone with downs in a scene like this JUST BECAUSE they have downs, but just the way THEY filmed THIS scene or edited or presented did not work for me. all it said was "wow look its downs syndrome girl" and nothing more than that.

what did work is that most of movie felt very real, almost documentary in how it captured these people, and also just how viscerally gross looking everything looked. like really truly disgusting. all these people are wearing rags, and have greasy hair and sweaty faces and the houses are in shambles, some like clearly hoarder houses. the one scene that was prob the grossest for me, (and it wasnt the scene of the kid eating spaghetti in the bathtub, cause eventho i think that scene is synonymous with the movie, the bathtub water was like fake dirty looking or something. it looked like it was colored greenish brown, and it just really didnt feel as real as the rest of the sets in the movie. like as im watching i was thinking did they dye the water with a green brown dye? it was sort of jarring and kinda took me out of the scene a bit.) but actually the one scene that really felt like it was an encapsulation of the whole movie, was (in the gif above) of this little boy, maybe 5-6-7 yrs old and hes barefoot in this disgusting, clearly hoarder house standing on this pile of garbage, and hes next to a wall and jiggles like a painting or framed art on the wall and you just see this one cockroach just scurry out along the wall, but then right next to it is a framed photo of this family all sitting together in like a sears portrait, but the kid grabs the photo off the wall and you just see dozens of cockroaches just all scurrying off into all different directions, and i felt a little queasy. it was kind of the most real scene in the whole movie. the kid then climbs down off the pile and you see the 2 young protagonists on the couch sitting next to a girl and all 3 are huffing glue out of a paper bag, and this young child just crawls into the arms of the girl, and you kinda get the impression shes maybe his mom? all of it is so depressing and gross. then the camera zooms in as the young boy is laying on this girl huffing from the bag, and you see an extreme close up of the boys legs and they are bitten up by bugs. like i dont know if that was makeup or if that was real real, but damn if it didnt really look real, and you felt sad for this kid, kinda sick to your stomach. it was truly maybe the most real and disgusting scene in the whole movie.

for me, that scene of the kid and cockroaches really WAS the whole point of the movie. the mess this house was in was like the aftermath of the tornado, just a complete disaster. the happy photo on the wall was all the families before the tornado, and the roaches scurrying are what was left of these poor people in this town, scared of the light and running around in all directions. idk if harmony korine planned this, but this scene in particular, out of everything seemed to sum up everything the movie was trying to say. it was gross and heartbreaking and you feel bad these people are still living this way so many years after the destruction the tornado left.

the one other kinda complimentary thought i had about how the movie was presented, was i thought the parallel of movie being just a bunch of jumbled scenes of this town that hasnt recovered from the tornado, and the tornado itself being this destructive force that jumbled up the whole town, idk maybe some kind of parallel between those 2 thing kinda worked some. not really a fully put together thought, but something i thought of.

overall it was a compelling watch, i didnt really get bored of these weird people, some scenes may have gone on a little longer than necessary, but for the most part i was always interested in seeing where it was going next. theres some highly uncomfortable scenes, some worked and some didnt. the actors were fine, you can tell some were professional and some the director prob just found, but for the most part no one stuck out as inauthentic to where the movie was set. there was also a lot of shaky cam which a couple times i had to look away cause it was making me feel dizzy. but the movie looked pretty good, naturalistic for the most part, that felt appropriate for the scenes. i never picked up my phone, so i was never bored. not sure if id watch again, but maybe. i didnt love it, i didnt hate it. its kinda hard to say i didnt feel anything for it, cause it was shocking and gross and disgusting in many parts, but it kinda felt like it was shocking for shocking sake, with no real reason other than "look at me i made a shocking movie". worth watching i suppose if something like this sounds like something youd maybe appreciate.

[gara-les]

i thought about Rainer again (shocking, i know /sarcasm), and.

i think if you really read into it, you could read Rainer as being, canonically, within the universe of Petscop, disabled.

the long story short as to why i think this: Toneth and Roneth. (Rainer put a lot of more personal stuff in Toneth's description than other Pets', Roneth is kinda implied to be a stand-in of sorts for Mike (baby half brother, connection to cars/roads), which would Then make Toneth a stand-in for Rainer, "Because he's younger, he gets to learn from all of Toneth's mistakes. That's why he always looks both ways" implies that Rainer might've gotten hit by a car when he was younger, Rainer specifically calls out that Toneth, who seems to represent him to some extent, has a broken leg, etc etc you get my point.)

so...i guess have my headcanon about how exactly i envision Rainer's whole thing:

Rainer, by some miracle, didn't break-break his legs (as in the bones didn't like. snap), but there were some fractures in there from. getting hit by a car. some were smaller/less major, but a few of them were...pretty bad. especially in his left leg and some areas of his hips.

as i've mentioned a few times before, Rainer can't unbend his left leg all the way anymore, though he can get pretty close. this is at least partially why he uses the crutches; kinda hard to walk very well when you legitimately can't unbend one of your legs to walk with it.

Rainer deals with a lot of chronic pain, especially in his hips. there are a few positions he can't sit in for long without shit starting to hurt. some days he feels mostly fine, just aching, and other days getting out of bed feels like a challenge, and like he doesn't want to do much besides maybe code.

he struggles a lot with balance, and he can't walk without his crutches for long because his legs and feet start hurting and it makes focusing on balance harder. he can get around his house pretty easy without his crutches. which y'know. Makes Sense; He's Lived There Most Of His Life And Knows What Furniture Is Good For Balancing Himself.

even with crutches, Rainer can't do much walking. using them takes pressure off of his legs a little, and they help him get around, but his legs eventually get tired and hurt. the longest that Rainer can walk around/be on his feet for is around...an hour and a half to two hours, depending on how he's feeling.

Rainer, among his other medications (for stuff like depression and schizophrenia), also takes prescription painkillers. got prescribed them in 1994 because, despite the fact he should've, technically, healed from his injury as much as he could've by then, he still had "lingering pain" that wasn't going away. see the chronic pain i mentioned earlier.

yeah...sometimes i just think about like. the specifics, y'know?

anyway: Rainer is disabled to me, and i feel like it can easily be read as a Canon Thing, given implications from Toneth and Roneth's descriptions.

hope you're doing well, and having a great day/night, by the way!!

HELLO i love disabled rainer headcanon he is litetally Me if you think about it. even if the toneth lines didnt allude to him specifically i think its the best evidence for the theory that he’s schizophrenic as, while he does speak/type in a strange and convoluted manner, that particular text i think points the most towards some sort of thought disorder you see in schizophrenia. either way i think its points to him being disabled.

also. i am doing well! ^_^ depressive but not bad, the oven just got done preheating im gonna eat up these fries…. school and home and finding a job haven’t given me much time but i always try to respond when i can !

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[ari-oreo]

blackness, neurodivergance & polyamory

tw: SA mentioned, VENT, cultural & spiritual discussion, desirability politics/concerns, looooonnngg (think small essay)

so, i'm black, omnisexual, polyamorous, auDHD and christian + fat & disabled. i get really confused at the mess that I find myself in when it comes to romantic attraction and relationships with the combination of these identities and my own preferences. in short, i'm afraid of ending up alone and in this fear i get confused in my attraction and i'm worried about maintaining/having any kind of boundaries and standards.

i'm prone to losing my mind and getting really confused whenever someone shows interest in me, even though i might not be attracted to them fully, i've noticed that I tend to convince myself that i'm attracted to them at some point, despite my knowing fully well that they aren't my type or have anykind of personal traits that I find attractive. i get over-excited whenever people talk about finding me physically/sexually attractive as i'm not used to that being a thing. the excitement and panic i related to that makes it difficult for me to bring myself to enforce my boundaries, standards and prefrences as i'm mainly just grateful that i'm attractive to them in the first place. 

but a part of what feeds into this is the fact that i'm not fat in the way that my more attractive peers are, they're fat while having much better proportions than i do, i also grew up in whiter spaces and don't have the features and grasp of black community beauty standards that they do. and i'm not really attracted to non-black/white people, (i had my last white crush in middle school, i am now going into college, i've noticed the polyamorous community is pretty white) and more than this, my disabilities all have a factor of fatigue and this makes taking care of myself at baseline difficult, which makes putting large amounts of effort into my appearance regularly, nearly impossible. this makes it difficult for me to preform adequate black femininity, and while i see myself as more of a stem, it's still difficult. within the black community, it's been hard-pressed to find people that i'm attracted to and are attracted to me that are even OPEN to polyamory in a remotely ethical manner. (this is probably just cause i'm in high school, but i'm also primarily attracted to studs when it comes to girls, but all the ones i've encountered have been astronomically transphobic {im not trans, but transphobia pisses me off} [this isn't a bash on studs, im only a teenager and my area is small])

being christian/christian omnist makes it that much more difficult, because i gave up on finding someone, let alone multiple people, that i could have a relationship with that would share my beliefs and be accepting of my identities. 

these are all only compounded by the fact that i believe myself to be hypersexual, and whenever that hikes/an episode happens, i become desperate for any piece of sexual attention that i can get and any boundaries/apprehensions that i have become secondary, no matter how much i try to keep it all at bay. i become burden upon my partner in how much attention i need and my adhd makes my memory span practically non-existent, meaning that no matter how much i'm given, its almost never enough. this combination fo situations is what lead to my SA, two times in two years, by the same person as consequence of his faux acceptance of polyamory, "christian values"(albeit, performative and mild), open "romantic" & sexual interest in me and the level of attention & affection he was willing to give (it was love-bombing and everything he ever did for me was ploy). and the way that it managed to happen a second time was thanks to my tendency to forget, a symptom of my neurodivergence. he also used spiritual and neurodivergent talking points that made me believe i could trust him. 

my experience with him have only made me and my current partner more worried about my future and if i have any chance of having the life that i want. my partner and i are aware that he and i have very different plans for our lives, (including the fact that he's monogamous, but this isn't the only thing) so we've agreed to split after high school graduation. this has lead to us having open discussions about both of our concerns and fear for me in the future. we're both scared of my hypersexual episodes (which we refer to as the attention-urge) and what they may lead me to do and what people they may lead me to get involved with, my episodes only make the rest of my concerns and conditions worse and i'm scared that i'll never get to have healthy, loving polyamorous relationship without compromising on my prefrences, minimizing aspects of my identity or just not at all.

i'm not sure exactly what this is, but thank you for reading, i hope i was able to get my point across.

[nesscel]

greetings nesscel

do not worry about being a deadbeat... my friends and i are the same so it really doesn't bother me ever ever. RIGHT. i hate school and the fact that i have to get an education. why can't i just stare at reo all day?

ALSO WHAT THE FUCK. THAT IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY. kaiser's bid is fucking mad too. i really need rin to do something crazy like please!! rip sae's hair out at the very least... i don't know the brand </3 and i don't think my frien wouldn't remember it either he was drunk as hell when he found it. but like its crazy esp where i live like no one would give their toe hair for free but a closed can of beer???

this is very off topic... but i hate how dirty neji was done and i will always hold a grudge against kishimoto

may you find a pack of unopened cigarettes,

anon 1

dearest anon 1,

people always wanted me to have an education and a future and ambitions. but i didn’t let them tell me what to do and now im a neet even though they won’t give me disability and hate me and want me to die. this isn’t an inspirational story but it’s not exactly a cautionary tale because there’s worse fates in life, for example living in the usa

i hope kaiser emotionally recovers because even though isagi did all that his bid is still way bigger and re al doesn’t want isagi’s bum ass. we’ve always known who was the real GOAT of BM and some 17 year old with a loving family won’t change the facts. in the next episode of my podcast we will be t

also im kind of frustrated and just want new chapters out already because WHY ISNT ANYONE BUT ISAGI REACTING!!!!!! ARGHHHH

kishimoto will always be a bum because why would you make such a creative and unique supporting cast of characters just to completely neglect them because you want your 2 (4 if you push it) main pop girls to have all the good moments. the swing had more screentime than tenten 😭😭😭!!!

re: the beer, i think it’s already-drunk people leaving them outside on accident but i was really ??? because that bench was in the middle of a very popular walkway full of people. i guess they don’t have a money mindset like me. you’re very sweet, i’ve only ever found cigarettes out in public one time when i was 18 and they were some weird russian ones. i gave them to my irl 😭 (and a box of cigarettes would be appreciated since i accidentally bought pall malls instead of chesterfields last week before i got sick… that was a sign i suppose)

i hope nobody is pissing you the fuck off,

nesscel ❤️

[sclfmastery]

im sorry if this is a bother but because i know you're also disabled and are/were involved in academia i wanted to ask something.

im a student in senior year (18) and im chronically ill. in the first quarter my school basically allowed me to do "weighted work" because i got super sick and was incredibly behind and it was the only way for me to catch up.

in the second quarter i did good and got straight As. but now the third quarter is closing and im thinking of asking for a medical exemption.

obviously no pressure to answer but if you had a student who basically got off easy in the first quarter and then is now looking for a medical exemption for the third would you think they were lazy?

i swear im actually smart. like i have a 4.0 GPA. its just that this year my health got really bad.

sorry to ask and have a nice day!! may it be *lightning strike sound effect* masterful

First things first: You are NOT lazy, and I would never think so. Any faculty, school counselor, or student resources coordinator who is good at their job would recognize this. Unfortunately, your fear of being perceived as something you are not (something that may, in fact, not exist in the first place) is based in being surrounded by abled (and ableist) systems, and societies. You can still navigate them, even though it is and will be frustrating.

I want to tell you something about myself: I have one major regret in life, and that is that I cared more about being perceived as a hard worker and "good kid" than I cared about RESTING. I got a 4.0 every semester of undergrad and graduate school, too. I took only ONE medical leave of absence in 12 years of higher ed schooling. I put my Type 1 diabetes on the back burner and let my A1c run way too high, so I could make all those meetings and writing deadlines, conferences and committees. And today my kidneys are three percentile points away from totally failing. I'm only 41 years old and soon I will be going on dialysis (temporarily, while I find a kidney donor, but that whole process won't be fun).

I don't blame myself, or think I'm "bad" for my choices, but I wish I'd had different priorities. I am proud of what I achieved academically and of the relationship I have with my students--but I didn't need to forsake self-care, physical and mental, to the extent that I did, in order to get where I now am.

Take the medical exemption. You are worth it. <3. High school senior year will be there when you're feeling better. College will be there when you're feeling better. And if it's a matter of turning down a scholarship to a specific university, you can speak to the campus disability resources coordinator about your situation. Big hugs from me. I am proud of you for seeking answers. It's the first step to self-advocacy.

If you need any more specific advice about the process, I can provide the perspective of an American educator, and I can try and ask friends from other parts of the world about the process if you're not also in the States.

Hang in there. You are ALSO.... * * * MASTERFUL * * * lol <3

[cringelordofchaos]

My personal theory on why I believe Craig Tucker is an autistic-coded character.

I wish to preface this with the fact that I am neither qualified to professionally diagnose anyone, and I am not autistic (as far as I'm aware.)

To elaborate on what I mean by "autistic-coded", I am trying to say how he is most definitely not an intentional portrayal of autism, because if he were to be written with that intention, it would be glaringly obvious, it would be said out loud and, let's be honest, he would be a different character than he is now.

By autistic-coded, I moreso mean that he does exhibit a fair amount of traits commonly associated with autism, that some autistic people may identify with as well.

I will say though, he primarily aligns with a specific stereotype of Level 1 ASD/ what some people call "high functioning autism" or "asperger's syndrome" (both terms typically disliked for a multitude of reasons)

You are allowed to disagree with me, or call me a "cringe tiktok south park fan" as people have called me before (despite not using Tiktok.) I just wanted to share this headcanon of mine to someone, because it's all I've been thinking of the past week.

I also wanted to say that craig tucker, by no means, is the ultimate symbol or representation of autism. As autism is a spectrum like all else, you could put two autistic people together in a room and they could have almost nothing in common. While one autistic person may experience low empathy, another may experience high empathy. While one autistic person may be extremely sensitive to noise, another may be completely unbothered by it, or find it difficult to hear (i have a level 3 autistic classmate that is not bothered by noise whatsoever, while i get quite upset with a lot of sounds (sorry for using myself as an example here, even though im most likely allistic (not autistic), i just wanted to explain how not all autistic people are bothered by loud noise.) While one autistic person may do exceptionally well in school, another may do horribly bad. And so on, and so forth. What I am trying to say, a lot of autistic people are very different from one another, so if a person doesn't act like Craig Tucker (who happens to be a relatively common autistic stereotype), that doesnt mean theyre definitely not autistic.

So, to list some potential symptoms he exhibits.

Oppositional defiance - oppositional defiance is more commonly perceived in kids diagnosed with autism. It is when one is deemed to be defiant or disrespectful or rebellious towards a higher authority figure (at least as far as i know.) the reason why this might be more common in people with autism is due to some symtpoms and traits of autism being associated with "troublemaking" or "being rude", even though it might've jut been one's autism making them much more blunt or such, or they might not understand "politeness". Craig may be shown to express a type of oppositional defiance, and it was confirmed he is (or perhaps was) sent to the principal's office on a daily basis. Due to his reputation, even parent's of his peers believe he is a troublemaker, or a 'bad influence' on other children, and blame him on kyle, cartman, stan and kenny going missing in the episode 'pandemic' due to his reputation, despite him being the one dragged into all the chaos. I will say though craig might show less care for authority or how others perceive him, so he isn't afraid to flip off anyone or be extremely blunt, which might get him into trouble more often. he also said he doesnt know why he cant behave. he just is the way he is. Though, he appears to not be as much of a troublemaker as some may make him out to be, like when he said he never fought anyone before the episode Tweek vs Craig, and neither did he know how to. this was a bit of a stretch, but oppositional defiance is more commonly associated with autism and other neurodevelopmental disabilities so i wantedto at least mention it.

Trouble with empathy and expressing emotions - craig's voice is almost always monotone and deadpan with his voice, with a few exceptions. Typically, in autism, strange expression of tone of voice may occur, and it may be expressed in tones such as a monotone voice, even if not fitting the circumstance at hand. This is one of Craig's core traits. Like when he said "okay now there are sparks shooting out of my eyes" with literal sparks shooting out of his eyes. Or when i believe he was talking about Stripe's deaths, his voice remained monotone, despite him being shown to deeply care about Stripe. To him, having a non-monotone voice might take more effort for him than for others, so he just sticks to what he finds comfortable. His facial expressions also remain neutral most of the times, and he generally expresses less emotion than other characters. It's not that he doesn't feel emotions, or that he cares less, i believe he simply doesn't express it as much as others. There's also possibly the case with him experiencing lower empathy. Now for many people, autism may cause uniquiedifferences in empathy in comparison to one's neurotypical peers. Typically being sorted into high empathy and low empathy (low empathy being more commonly represented.) (and some people might believe that high empathy is a super power, but for many people it can be difficult to manage and it still doesn't give you the ability to communicate accordingly in an allistic society). I believe, personally, that craig experiences low empathy, which might make it more difficult for him to understand other peoples emotions and react accordingly (like in 'Put It Down'). Again, it's not that he doesnt care about peoplelike Tweek, he just might find it harder to manage emotional conversations due to him not understanding emotions much. Though despite his struggles, Tweek indirectly helps him confront this struggle, and helps him understand to think more emotionally. Hes also been said to think extremely logically, and "tries to problem solve all the time", as said by Tweek in their argument, so Craig constantly thinking logically and finding it difficult to think emotionally is a consistent and persistent trait in him. This line of thinking can also be common in some autistic people, where they might think 'too logically', which can cause difficulties in personal/emotional relationships.

Repetitive routines - i feel like this is mostly shown in Tweek vs Craig (and arguably shown in Pandemic? though idk.) When Cartman goes to his house, and lies to him telling him Tweek insulted Stripe and that they need to fight now, Craig rejected the offer saying "i cant, red racer is on." cartman says "You can watch red racer any day of the week!" to which craig responds with "i DO watch red racer every day of the week." and then after some persuation, agrees to fight Tweek tomorrow, after the daily Red Racer episode, to which cartman replies with something along the lines of "of course." Idk, i feel like you can tell how much sticking to his routine of watching red racer means to him. Autism may make you more likely to be unusually upset upon routines being broken, which might've been the reason craig refused to give up watchin red racer that day to fight Tweek. You could also say Red Racer might be a form of hyperfixation for him, which is what some people (typically neurodivergent) experience? Though it's a bit of a stretch.

He may also grow deeper attachments to fewer things than most - which can be associated with autism. He really cares about Tweek, Stripe, and probably Red Racer, and space, and that's about it. Ive also heard that many autistic people find it easier to form bonds with nonhuman animals than with humans, and that may be applicable to Craig, though im not sure.

He's also, like ive said before, extremely blunt, possibly to a fault, and to a point where others may not like his company for this reason, or may call him overly negative or rude, despite him probably thinking that there's nothing rude about telling the truth. (Primary source for this: episodes 'Pandemic' and 'pandemic 2: the startling'). Bluntness and obliviousness to social cues are common in autism from what i know.

I also wish to say that his weakness/whatever it was called again in that one south park game was listed to be "communication". for a lot of autistic people communication can be much more difficult to handle and may drain energy, especially if they are made to feel like they're doing something wrong, like being 'too weird' to talk to.

I've also heard that him flipping off people in the earlier seasons might've been a tic? though i kinda doubt that, i thought itd be worth mentioning. neurodevelopmental disorders do increase the chances of having tics. ive also heard the headcanon that him saying "sooooo happy." could be a small stim? I dont know.

He also likes things to be nice and boring, which may be considered to be atypical for kids his age.

https://www.tumblr.com/trans-dwightschrute/713647004784508928?source=share and https://www.tumblr.com/cool-island-songs/676857435610316800/craig-tucker-character-analysis-canon-overview?source=share are both posts that may cover the subject of Craig possibly being autistic.

An argument against him possibly being an unintentionally autistic character that i've heard is that he's "too normal". Yes, in comparison to the majority of the centric south park characters, Craig does appear to be pretty ordinary himself. I mean, it would be difficult for him to stand out among a cast of downright insane characters among which one of them (for example) tricked his half brother into eating his parents. But Craig Tucker's traits have still proven difficulty to him in his social life (such as his relationship with Tweek and his reputation among the parents of his classmates), and he still fits a decent amount of diagnostic criteria, so I wouldn't say him being autistic is impossible.

I will say though, he was definitely never written with the intention of being autistic, though I don't think that completely erases the value of this headcanon, so it stays true in my heart.

Anyway, sorry if i upset anyone with this post. It is simply what I had noticed in the show. Feel free to disagree with any points made here.

(Sorry if i appear to be a bit over-apolagetic during this post. I simply copy-pasted this from a Reddit post i made, and i'm honestly quite scared of most reddit users lol.)

[etherealspacejelly]

and also I don't know if I even need accommodations since I don't know what school is like for a neurotypical person for comparison since I've never been anyone other than me. I'm perfectly capable of doing all my homework I just don't because it's boring and I find it hard to get motivated to do it and I do well on tests so why would I need accommodations (at least that's what my brain says to me). and sure I do need to listen to music when I'm doing things but my teachers already let me do that. I guess it still comes down to I Don't Know and that annoys me.

-🪨

i get that so much

i was always like what accommodations would i even need?? i do so well in school

but then my DSA assessor was like ok so im gonna give you transcript software that writes down everything your professor says in class so if you zone out and miss something you can go back and check it and software that summarises articles for you and software that reads words out loud to you and a really good to do list app that you can snooze tasks on until you actually need to do them so its not as overwhelming

and i was like. holy shit that is all So useful why did i not think of any of this

if you are in fact disabled, accommodations Will help you. sometimes you just dont know what you need until someone tells you :)

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[mariska]

i don't usually type out posts directly like this because i am a very very traumatized and anxious and depressed and scared person 24/7. but i have been almost entirely sitting and rotting away from multiple lifelong chronic health struggles for years and years and years and if i'm gonna be direct and channel my absolutely fucking furious anger into one hopefully good helpful thing then im gonna do that now, because we all need to speak the fuck up for ourselves and each other and we will not survive in this world if we don't work together, which brings me to the thing i need to say:

if you are able to, and i know for a fact that many, many people are able to, you NEED to wear a mask when you leave your house. yes, every time. every single time. outdoor events too. anywhere you go where there's other human beings. schools. doctor's appointments. work. taking a walk. by yourself, with friends, with everyone. you do not have another choice. you have to wear a mask and if you're also able to, because there are a lot of us who are disabled to a point of very little to absolutely no independece in our lives who are not able to, you need to be telling, not asking, the people you hang out with, go places with, family that you are in contact with etc to also wear a fucking face mask.

the pandemic is NOT over. there is no post-covid era. it's here, it's been here for years and those of us who have both been disabled long before it was discovered and those of us who have become disabled since have been screaming at all of you for almost 5 years now to give a shit about the other living human beings around you AND YOURSELF!!!!! i am one person who does not and has no intention of speaking for the entire global disabled community (we ARE in every community of people, worldwide, by the way. every single one. disabled people are everywhere and we have been since the earliest days of humanity), and i've tried really really really hard to hold myself back from hating so many of you for not caring about anyone's general health and safety when you step into the world, but i can't anymore. i don't have any spare compassion left for you. get it the fuck together, get your fucking covid and flu vaccine/booster shots and actually make an effort to learn how often you should get the boosters again after that, and WEAR A MASK OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND STOP KILLING PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO HAVE BEEN DRAINED OF ALL ENERGY AND STRENGTH THAT WE HAVE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GO INTO THE WORLD YOU ALSO LIVE IN AND SO MANY OF YOU KEEP GETTING US MORE AND MORE SICK AND YOU DO NOT CARE. you HAVE to care. there is not another option. N95 is currently the most effective mask type as far as i am aware but i don't know everything so do your own research about which masks will work best for you.

my fucking god. so many videos online where i just see so many people talking about the very true fact that we all need to stand up for each other and do what's right and help out however we can WITH NO MASK IN SIGHT WALKING ON BUSY CROWDED STREETS AND BUILDINGS AND CONCERT HALLS!!!!! STOP KILLING DISABLED PEOPLE. please please please please, yes, to those who are able to, continue protesting, logging offline and going into the world to take part in actions of community care, but WEAR. A. MASK. WHEN. YOU. DO. do not put it on your chin 90% of the day. do not put it UNDER your nose. put it on your face. like a mask. and wear it. and make sure the other people in your life do the same. i am literally begging you. none of us can do the work that NEEDS to be done to take care of each other in ANY society if we are all too sick or DEAD to be able to actually do that work.

thanks.