#because of school and also the fact that im disabled and i know that if i try to balance school + work i will break

[ceasarslegion]

No i dont think its a good thing to make hating children your entire personality but can i please just say that i dont like them and dont want to deal with screaming temper tantrums and meltdowns from other peoples kids (especially, ESPECIALLY when the parents are absolutely useless in dealing with them) without 30,000 people crawling out of the woodwork to assume that i think all kids should die

[archrries]

Asking my mom about her disability so I can give you all pretty accurate information on Viktor o7

She has post-polio, and has a leg brace like he does. So for all your "could Viktor do this?" questions, I go to my mother ♡ He most likely has a combination of things, but definitely seems to have post-polio. So yes, other things could stop him from these activities but overall, this is a swing at how it works for this aspect of his life.

What I know as of now about Viktor, most likely,

- could skateboard

- could drive a motorcycle

- drive a car (has to use good leg to press on pedals)

- does NOT sleep with the leg brace on

- dead silent when he takes the brace off

- my mom played sports that involved throwing more than running (softball (pitcher), volleyball, she did try out for football at some point but the coach didnt want a girl trying out)

- sigh...yes...he can do the deed without breaking a fucking hip. He isnt made of glass. Im not going into detail on this one thanks

- roller skating

- shoot a gun (idk why this is debated)(also though i will say that for some guns, the kick is too strong. The entire body is effected by polio, its just most severe in some parts like his leg)

- ice skating!!! I know this is a hot debate, she has gone ice skating

Ill ask my mom about more if you have any specific questions 👍

More info edit:

My Mom's leg has unfortunately gotten worse, which is nothing new considering it's been worsening her entire life, but this means her heel bone is now digging through the skin and muscle of her foot. She will be getting surgery to shave the bone down and hopefully that will help her to walk better on it again once it's healed. Take that as you will in reference to Viktor and his worsening condition. She has told me several times that she is in a lot of pain, which she typically does not vocalize.

- can carry kids around for short periods of time (she babysits my nieces and nephews constantly)

- can HAVE kids for that matter (for all your trans and mpreg needs 😭) though this certainly was a toll on her body even back when she was younger

- maybe this is just specific to her but every single time something gets mentioned that could even POSSIBLY be polio, she gets worried. I mentioned my little cousin being sick and suddenly not able to walk on her own (she is doing okay right now, no pain) and she instantly asked if she had drunk any dirty water (where polio is most commonly found) She freaked when my sister was born with a little wonky leg even though it's 1) not passed down from mother to child and 2) fixed itswlf within a month. All my siblings were immediately vaccinated for polio as well as other major things, though she gets very nervous about new vaccines because she got it from the polio vaccine which contained the live virus at the time (no longer used) She did not want me vaccinated for covid or HPV because of this worry.

- When she gets sick, she gets sick BAD. Last time she was sick, she was in a fever state for three days and doesn't remember a single thing.

- Fear of death, judgement, or being arrested has never really affected her. She has a DNR (which I'm not a fan of, but I understand if shit goes wrong, she doesn't want to be resuscitated just to experience way more pain), she's always lived on the crazy side but stopped once she had kids (I mean used to ride her motorcycle like she was trying to speed run death), always tells me I need to stop caring what people think cause she stopped giving a shit early on with all the bullying, she has in fact pulled a gun on a man for hurting me and the ONLY reason I think she didn't pull that trigger is because there was someone else in the way, she actively encourages cops, security, etc to try and stop her when it comes to the safety of her family (she most recently started shit with staff because my nephew broke his arm at school and no one will tell her what happened)

- She handles her farm pretty much alone. Chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, rabbits, turkeys. And I'm so sorry to say they are both long term and short stay animals....We only name pets. Anything without a name is sent to freezer camp 😭

- Which leads me to tell you she is a butcher, and has always hung up meat and quartered it herself. She also hunts, so she does it with venison too. Plus we try and use as much of the animal as possible as to respect it. So that's butchering, tanning hides, cleaning off bones, making twine.

- She loves to lie about what happened to her leg. Her favorite for kids is that she's a cyborg or a transformer. Most adults just assume military and she doesn't tell them otherwise. She used to tell ppl for a while that she jumped out of one of the towers on 9/11.......💀 crazy since she was born and raised in New York

[angxl-k9]

May I expand. It’s not about the “animal packers” and etc. I believe that it’s nobody’s business. The issue is how nonsensical it sounds to say “I am an animal” out loud. People will laugh at you. You will damage your own relationships. Think. Is it worth it? And why do people act like that? Because it’s crazy.

There’s a popular conservative lie that is spread around of “litter boxes in schools” and “people identifying as animals” and that’s NOT REAL. It comes from a complete fabrication to make trans people look worse. Don’t try to make it real. I don’t care if it’s “been around for decades” that doesn’t change anything. It’s not about streamlining your identity to make it more digestible to outsiders who don’t understand, it’s about the threshold where “identity” crosses between “genuine insanity” and if you can’t SEE the clear line between those two things then there isn’t much hope for you.

Hey anon! Great to see you actually just hate therians! Hooray!

Even longer post, will also be under a cut!

Firstly, addressing the very popular but very wrong lie of "kids are using litter boxes in schools": These are for service animals. These are put in place by schools who have students (or teachers) who have disabilities that require them to bring a service animal to school with them. This has nothing to do with therianthropy, it is just a lie that Tiktok caught on to and spread it like wildfire.

(Now, to add in before this section, this isn’t to “throw clinical zoanthropes under the bus” with therian discourse. There’s nothing “wrong” with clinical zoanthropes, just like there’s nothing “wrong” with therians. I am simply stating facts. That’s it. I think it’s important to be educated about things like this. Let’s continue.)

Secondly, therianthropy is not "being crazy". It is not a mental illness, it is not a disability, it is not wrong. However, you may be interested im learning about "clinical lycanthropy" (or zoanthropy, different from therianthropy). This is an extremely rare, delusion-based psychiatric syndrome characterized by patients believing that they can or have physically transformed into a non-human animal. It is essentially the delusion that one can shapeshift into a werewolf (or similar animal). It is associated with psychosis (aka delusions and hallucinations). It is considered to be an expression of a psychotic or dissociative episode caused by another condition (like DID, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or depression).

This article describes a report done on clinical lycanthropy. Over 130 articles were screened and between 1852 and 2020, there were 43 cases of clinical lycanthropy identified. That's right. 43. Now, have you seen how many therians are on Tiktok? Yeah, more than 43. And they're definitely not from 1852. So how can you say that therianthropy is "being crazy"? And don't say "they're just delusional" because the only delusion that somewhat accurately presents like therianthropy is that of clinical lycan/zoanthropy. Professionals would know if someone is genuinely delusional, but why would they care about such a small group of people in the world?

There are also studies done on patients with clinical lycanthropy actually have differences in their brains. The part of the brain known to be involved with represent body shape can display unusual activation in patients with clinical lycanthropy, showing that when patients report their body changing and shapeshifting, they may genuinely be perceiving those feelings. Have therians ever claimed to you that they can feel their bones and skin and limbs shifting and changing to become that of a non-human animal? No, because therianthropy is not a delusion. There are often no physical feelings in the body of a therian when they, for example, experience phantom tails or ears etc. That begs the question, would you say that an amputee experiencing phantom limbs is psychotic?

So, people identifying as a non-human animal is real! There are reported cases of it in the medical field! Shocking, right? It must be crazy to you that there are documented medical cases of people identifying as animals, allllll the way back to 18-goddamn-52.

Thirdly, therianthropy has nothing to do with being trans. It never has, it never will. No one has ever claimed it to be. Being trans means that your assigned sex and birth does not match with how you perceive yourself and how you want others to perceive you. What you might be thinking of is being trans-species. This is okay too! It just means that your assigned species at birth (human, obviously) does not match with how you perceive yourself and how you want others to perceive you. See how I used two different words? Species and gender?

Plus not all therians are trans-species, like myself! Generally I don't have much of a desire to physically become a wolf or a cat or a shark. I'm comfortable being perceived as a human, even though sometimes I just wanna wag my tail and run around and put my ears back and growl! I know that some therians feel super uncomfortable in their human body and wish that they could change! And that's where the species-affirming packers come in. It's like being transgender but it is not! And no one is claiming it is.

Another thing is that a lot of therians tend to be neurodivergent. But you're not saying that therianthropy is ableist, are you? No, you're just trying to connect two dots that are miles away. Neurodiverse people can feel a disconnection with humanity, and that can explain for some people their alterhumanity. Of course, not all therians are neurodivergent nor do they believe that their neurodiversity are the root of their alterhumanity. Have a look at this poll from Reddit, almost two thirds of participants indicated that they're neurodiverse!

Now, being neurodivergent calls for being discriminated against in and of itself. Same with being LBGT+. And being any race except white. Do you really think that therians who are LBGT+ are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their sexual orientation or gender? No. Do you really think that therians who are neurodiverse are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their disabilities? No again. Do you really think that therians who are POC are going to be discriminated against more for their alterhumanity than their race? Absolutely not.

Ultimately, people have been discriminating against POC, gay, trans and neurodivergent people long before they were called "weird" for being a therian. People have been killed over simply being gay or trans or neurodivergent or . Therians may receive death threats, yes, and that is disgusting behaviour from hateful people, but no one (to my knowledge) has been killed simply for being a therian. The discrimination against LGBT+, neurodivergent and POC communities runs way way way deeper than anyone saying "therians are weird". Do you think that therians in these communities are going to be more worried about being laughed at because they're a therian than being literally slaughtered for their race, disabilities, sexual orientation or gender? No! There are way worse problems for people to worry about than people saying they identify as animals! It truly is not that deep to say "I identify as an animal". Some people identify as inanimate objects but you don't seem to care about that (although there is nothing wrong with identifying as an inanimate object).

Also I can't even comprehend what you're talking about "streamlining your identity to make it more digestible". How is identifying as an animal more digestible than identifying as a man instead of a female like I was born as?

[crestoflames]

god why am i tearing up thinking about good ending!reese where he and MC leave scarlet hollow and live their lives together. excuse me while i ramble under the cut. none of this is eloquent and i repeat myself several times but i just had to type this out

im getting back in my scarlet hollow brainrot after watching save data’s playthrough of the game on YouTube (it’s very funny, highly recommend) but it just made me remember how different my perception of Reese is in comparison to people who play the game casually one or two times on YouTube (and fellow Reesemancers get it)

I can’t imagine just accepting the idea that hes dangerous at face value without stepping back to think a bit about the situation and what Reese clearly states to you during the scene. I used to get so worked up about people misunderstanding him and i still do, especially as a disabled and mentally ill person who relates heavily to him, but at this point Ive just gotten so tired of trying to explain myself and why Reese is deserving of compassion that I’m not gonna waste energy on it anymore. I’ve written the equivalent of a couple essays about the topic at this point (usually just in discord convos and whatnot).

but it made me think about my life too. when i first played scarlet hollow, I was basically in Reese’s exact situation (minus the abusive mom poisoning me) and had been since my teen years, just like him. and I could feel his pain and anguish during chapter 4 at the idea that he could have been living his life instead of worrying about his own mortality and staying inside all the time. his excitement at the idea of getting to live his life free of his mom’s control and getting to finally be happy resonated with me so deeply, and i wanted that for him. which is why i am pro-Reesevenge (aka matricide lmao). he deserves a chance to live his life.

but again it made me reflect on how my life has changed since i first played the game. i can honestly say that i consider myself to be happy now. and relatively content. sure, not everything is perfect, and there are plenty of things i’m working towards and would like to achieve for myself (going to law school, continuing to develop my social life, and getting in a romantic relationship eventually), but ive come farther than i ever imagined and i feel almost like a different person. im still disabled and mentally ill and thats never gonna change (i actually had to take today off bc of a flare up, which is something that happens and i just have to accept), but i feel fully in control of my health and medical decisions and i trust the medical professionals I’m seeing. which is huge considering the amount of medical professionals that screwed me over and caused serious damage to me. but it all has to do with the fact that im the one making the ultimate call for all of these things. not someone else. i get help from others of course, but ultimately everything is my decision. and imagining that for Reese makes me emotional (yes I know hes a fictional character but still). And I think about how he would also be happy that I’m happy too.

i really want to get back to writing my fic. I have so much written in my drafts it’s just that life has been hectic and changing so it made me put it on the back-burner. but realizing that im truly happy and have been for a year or so now brings me back to why i was writing it in the first place - to have Reese interact with an MC that understands everything he’s going through and helps him get that happy content life where he gets to do whatever he wants. and i feel more qualified than ever to actually write that (especially because my MC is just basically me with a couple tweaks).

idk. i just felt like musing about this topic. honestly if i can finish my fic that can be my last word on why Reese deserves freedom and i will never have to argue about it again and can just point to the fic where I basically end up breaking down every argument against it lmao.

[jadeofblades]

Tadaaa!

First one is a 10th anniversary suit edit cause i hated the ugly one they made for him (also note the ladybug cufflinks) and second would be an outfit he would wear in V3 cause i felt like his school uniform tells you nothing about his interests/personality. I was thinking about how he could be a science educator and come to schools to teach kids about bugs (and he would amass a lot of the rainbow loom bracelets as gifts from the kids). Other details of note is that I made his pants looser so he can be flexible and climb trees to catch bugs, a back brace, a backpack that he has everything he needs for the day in, and a cicada necklace that he likes fidgeting with.

I love the fact that he doesnt wear shoes in the base design cause hello fellow sensory autistic, and i know they were doing the tarzan thing but i dont careeee. Sensory issues gonta >:)))

I love gonta so much and i relate so hard to his struggles with self hatred due to the perception of him being stupid and how everyone brushes him off because he has a disability. I was always treated like the dumb one up until recently because people could sense that I’m autistic, but now I’ve surrounded myself with people who treat me like an equal and aren’t friends with me to use me for whatever thing they want out of me. It makes me wonder how things could be different in V3 if people acknowledged his intellect and if he had genuine friends so he wouldn’t have to latch onto Kokichi who was only there to use Gonta as an emotional punching bag and self defense. Also with all the free time events with Shuichi, the writers still make it so Shuichi perceives gonta as the toddler in a teenagers body that everyone else does, which is sad in my opinion but thats to be expected.

I could rant about him for so long, i have so many headcanons for him :DDDD

AUGHHHHH THESE ARE SO GOOD!!!!!!! dark green is So his color especially for his prom suit ouuu,,, the back brace is such a good detail you know his slouch has got to be crazy (me honestly i cant even lie LMAO) yesss let him collect friendship bracelets!!!!!!

goddd dont even get me started..... Yeah, yeah, he deserves (and needed) some more genuine friends. So wish he and Shuichi interacted more outside of bonus content stuff, or just show him hanging out with the others more too, that couldve really made like chapter 3 and 4 and what not rly hit more with the student council and, you know, more. Like getting a better grabble and his thoughts and feelings with himself and the others before Tragedy struck.

and I totally feel you...... im not officially diagnosed but i do suspect autism a lot (or Something wrong with me) and i always struggled making and keeping friends. thankfully i wasnt really bullied but i definitely felt, Different from everyone else which made it hard to make and keep friends, so i was alone for most of my childhood. Hell even now i still struggle,, thank god for online friends thats all im saying LOL. I'm glad that you managed to find a group of genuine friends!!

[npdculture]

Ughhhhh why won't egotypical people unlearn neurotypical ideas about honesty? A friend (gave me permission to ask for help here dw) in a mental health server I'm in has some cluster b things going on (NPD strongly suspected). When they're spiraling, which unfortunately isn't uncommon bc their parents SUCK, they'll make things up like cool stories or facts about themself. This is mostly only in REALLY desperate situations when their supply is really low and they're about to crash and have a Really Bad Time. To make it worse this server SAYS they accept pwpd and don't believe in narc abuse, but there's a lot of micro aggressions as youll see

Me and my friend have both told people that its okay to call out any lies that are about them or their friends, which has only happened twice and my friend apolitgzed to the person they lied about each time, but people are annoyed that they're lying *at all* about anything and try to call them out on it, which I don't think is fair because maybe a person with a disorder that makes them feel worthless needs do something to feel worth???

Most of the stories are just fun things, like where they went to school or celebrities they've met. But people calling them out for lying, getting mad, or ignoring them just causes them to spiral because it makes them feel like everyone hates them. Which yknow is a problem for the "im terrified everyone hates me" disorder.

one person says that they have trauma from a person who lied "for no reason" like they think my friend does. And I get that you can't control how your trauma makes you feel, but maybe don't use it as an excuses to shit all over the hamrless (discomfort isn't harm) way another disabled perso copes?? but no people in their server act like their comfort is more important than anyyyything else, and then have the fucking nerve to act like pwnpd are the selfish ones.

people there are acting like I'm saying its oka to lie ALL THE TIME, when thats the opposite of what I'm saying. Theres times where lying actually hurts people and Im not stupid I get that! but why doee it matter so much when nobody is even being hurt by it?

I wish I could let lose and tell people that its fucking disgusting and ableist to value some neuroytpical idea of "honesty no matter what" over the mental health of a real living disabed person, but what do I know im just an ~evil narcissist~ 🙄

This is an interesting situation. While I disagree with the idea that honesty at all times is the only way to be a "good" person, I also understand wanting to distance yourself from people who lie about anything because it breaks trust in everything they say.

Sorry I don't have advice, I hope your friend gets out of their situation quickly and/or finds a more reliable supply. 💜

[harrowharkwife]

for the character meme: dulcie or cam or pal or a character of ur choosing!!! hehe

!!!!! ty lem!! im gonna do my girl dulcie...

favorite thing about them: honestly just the way she's written- it never fails to make me emotional that she *is* explicitly written as being brave and strong, but tamsyn neatly sidesteps the "inspiration porn" ableist stereotype of writing a character as being brave/strong *because* they are sick. dulcie isn't brave or strong because of her illness. her strength and bravery are explicitly positioned, IMO, as being in response to surviving *ableism* and other people's condescension towards her and mistreatment of her, rather than surviving her illness itself, if that makes sense. her health is just a fact of her life, it's not moralized. which i really, really appreciate. it's a small shift, but it's very meaningful to me.

ALSO deeply special to me: her intentional and careful commitment to boundaries re: The Palamedes Of It All. a refreshing change of pace, as far as these books go vgjtjxdjt

least favorite thing about them: i mean. houser. :/

favorite line: three way tie between "truly, wonderful news for my haters," "i am sick of roses and horny for revenge," and "oops, there i go again, never doing what i'm told"

brOTP: gideon!!!!! i think it's a crying shame they've never met. i think they'd get along tremendously. the whole cytherea gideon thing was Horrid and Awful in so many ways, but it always Extra stings (in an adding-insult-to-injury sort of way) when i think about what it would have been like if gideon had REALLY met dulcinea, and not cyth. dulcie would've been a great friend for her, i think. they'd have been so good at making each other laugh

OTP: honestly these days it's cam? @ palamedes ily but get outta here gayboy it's yuri time now. plus i just love chewing on the concept of cam + comphet, and cam + subconscious internalized misogyny, and cam + gender, and cam + her relationships and interactions with other women. i think there's lots to explore there. camdulcie has a certain "when i was eight i didn't realize i had a crush on the new girl in my grade so i just wrote her a note that said 'get out of my school'" energy about it, To Me

nOTP: idk if i really have one for her, specifically? idk. ianthe or something, fuck it.

random headcanon: stoner. on all levels except physical she is taking fuckall huge bong rips. on the physical level though her lungs suck so i think she'd be a tincture girlie. she's got chronic pain she deserves it. am i projecting? you tell me

unpopular opinion: idk if this is an unpopular opinion exactly, but i always see people referring to thee rejected proposal as being something born primarily out of love/out of romantic intent? and i don't know if that's necessarily how i see it. it was CERTAINLY, and obviously, a factor. but at least from my interpretation of pal's monologue to cytherea at the end there, i get the sense that he had already accepted her boundaries in that regard, because he says he "understood that he was a child." and we also get camilla saying that his motivations in proposing were primarily a means-to-an-end way of getting her off the seventh and letting her die with dignity. iirc her exact words were like "so she could spend what time she had left with people who cared about her." like, don't get me wrong, i think pal is lying to himself if he says that being in love with dulcie wasn't PART of the motivation there. but i find it a lot more interesting in a worldbuilding and social commentary way to interpret the circumstances there as him offering, essentially, to be a hospice doctor at age 19, and marriage being the 'easiest' way to get her off the seventh/planet medical malpractice. there's an imperial misogyny ownership-through-marriage throughline there that's nauseating, as well as the implications re: disability and agency and autonomy, and i think that's all very interesting to explore. i think this view is supported in part by the paldulcie interaction in TUG, where she alludes to the idea that she was cognizant about the impact that bearing witness to death and loss up-close and personal like that changes a person, and that she didn't want to do that to pal and cam, especially given their age. i think it informa dulcie's character and grants her additional narrative agency to look at things from that angle, of her "no" being in reference to *both* the age gap AND her intentional choice to continue suffering on the seventh, rather than put two kids through being hospice caregivers and/or widowers at nineteen– no matter how many times and how sincerely they kept offering, no matter that she would've absolutely had a more peaceful and comfortable end-of-life HAD she accepted his proposal and gone to the sixth to die. i think it says a lot about her as a person, that choice. there's a quiet and meaningful responsibility to her as a person that i find fascinating. and her character is just sooooo firmly rooted in and informed by disability politics, on every level, and i feel like people don't engage with that aspect of her characterization enough!

song i associate with them: ooooh SO many, i have a whole playlist. but i think the biggest ones are

-the drama by kesha ("friday night, get too high, keep checking my pulse, am i dead yet?" / "in the next life i wanna come back, as a housecat as a housecat! i'd sleep and play in the sun, i'd be a fuckin' cute son of a gun!")

-avant gardener by courtney barnett (the whole song really, but especially the lines "the paramedic thinks i'm clever cause i play guitar, i think she's clever cause she stops people dyin'," and "i take a hit off an asthma puffer, i do it wrong, i was never good at smokin' bongs." i just think she'd love this song.)

-honorable mentions include stoned at the nail salon by lorde, life according to raechel by madison cunningham, rose-colored boy by paramore (@ palamedes, lmfao), picture me better by weyes blood, extraordinary machine by fiona apple, rubberband girl by kate bush, last words of a shooting star by mitski.

favorite picture of them: oh man well it obviously has to be my icon... art made for me by the lovely @franzias-cave !!!! based on the concept of "the woman is dying, please do her the decency of allowing her to look the part in fanart." my girl... she's a malign fairy, she's a hot-eyed wraith <3

ty lem this was so fun! i love my gworl :')

[commander-diomika]

Broke up with my therapist for three reasons

-price hike this year puts me $160 out of pocket per sesh. And she's just. Not that good.

-she keeps being sketchy about the fact that we're in the same communities and has thus stopped being a person I can talk to about my love life because she knows at least two ppl I'm fucking. It's kinda been OK until this point but the more time goes on I think she actually should have referred me on the first time it happened. Plus there was that time we both turned up to the same 'sensual touch' party (of like 100 ppl but still) and she didn't leave. Do I think it's fair to her that she should have to miss out on a fun night coz of a patient being there? No it kinda sucks. And the lines on this one were blurred coz it wasn't a full penetration sex party. But maybe she should work harder to have a patient load that she doesn't share community with!

(I have a friend who is a clinical psych that goes to sex parties and she is like "I will come to your sex party if there is a designated Clothes On start to the evening where I can identify if any of my patients or colleagues are there," and a couple of times she has turned up, gone "oopsie!" and left!! I'm sure she feels bummed out when it happens but that's just ethical practice and I have been starting to suspect my therapist is a bit more lax on this!)

-and three, I just don't really think we're doing any valuable therapeutic work anymore. Last sesh I was like "im loved, I'm resilient, Im working on all the stuff I want to, I have direction and purpose, when we started working together 18 months ago I was spinning my wheels and stuck and sad and I'm not any of those things anymore so... What should we talk about?"

She's kinda just been. Fine, ig. Part of that has been that I'm much much healthier than I used to be but also I think she just wasn't a great fit. I got her to sign off on my disability paperwork for school so she's now out lived her usefulness.

[gara-les]

i thought about Rainer again (shocking, i know /sarcasm), and.

i think if you really read into it, you could read Rainer as being, canonically, within the universe of Petscop, disabled.

the long story short as to why i think this: Toneth and Roneth. (Rainer put a lot of more personal stuff in Toneth's description than other Pets', Roneth is kinda implied to be a stand-in of sorts for Mike (baby half brother, connection to cars/roads), which would Then make Toneth a stand-in for Rainer, "Because he's younger, he gets to learn from all of Toneth's mistakes. That's why he always looks both ways" implies that Rainer might've gotten hit by a car when he was younger, Rainer specifically calls out that Toneth, who seems to represent him to some extent, has a broken leg, etc etc you get my point.)

so...i guess have my headcanon about how exactly i envision Rainer's whole thing:

Rainer, by some miracle, didn't break-break his legs (as in the bones didn't like. snap), but there were some fractures in there from. getting hit by a car. some were smaller/less major, but a few of them were...pretty bad. especially in his left leg and some areas of his hips.

as i've mentioned a few times before, Rainer can't unbend his left leg all the way anymore, though he can get pretty close. this is at least partially why he uses the crutches; kinda hard to walk very well when you legitimately can't unbend one of your legs to walk with it.

Rainer deals with a lot of chronic pain, especially in his hips. there are a few positions he can't sit in for long without shit starting to hurt. some days he feels mostly fine, just aching, and other days getting out of bed feels like a challenge, and like he doesn't want to do much besides maybe code.

he struggles a lot with balance, and he can't walk without his crutches for long because his legs and feet start hurting and it makes focusing on balance harder. he can get around his house pretty easy without his crutches. which y'know. Makes Sense; He's Lived There Most Of His Life And Knows What Furniture Is Good For Balancing Himself.

even with crutches, Rainer can't do much walking. using them takes pressure off of his legs a little, and they help him get around, but his legs eventually get tired and hurt. the longest that Rainer can walk around/be on his feet for is around...an hour and a half to two hours, depending on how he's feeling.

Rainer, among his other medications (for stuff like depression and schizophrenia), also takes prescription painkillers. got prescribed them in 1994 because, despite the fact he should've, technically, healed from his injury as much as he could've by then, he still had "lingering pain" that wasn't going away. see the chronic pain i mentioned earlier.

yeah...sometimes i just think about like. the specifics, y'know?

anyway: Rainer is disabled to me, and i feel like it can easily be read as a Canon Thing, given implications from Toneth and Roneth's descriptions.

hope you're doing well, and having a great day/night, by the way!!

HELLO i love disabled rainer headcanon he is litetally Me if you think about it. even if the toneth lines didnt allude to him specifically i think its the best evidence for the theory that he’s schizophrenic as, while he does speak/type in a strange and convoluted manner, that particular text i think points the most towards some sort of thought disorder you see in schizophrenia. either way i think its points to him being disabled.

also. i am doing well! ^_^ depressive but not bad, the oven just got done preheating im gonna eat up these fries…. school and home and finding a job haven’t given me much time but i always try to respond when i can !

[yeahiwasintheshit]

i watched 'Gummo" last tonight and as i was watching it i vaguely remember why i hadnt seen it before, cause a friend back in college said that its "art school garbage", and as someone who helped a lot of film majors on their films and sat thru A LOT of art school garbage while in school, i didnt need to see that lol. all these years later, watching it now, its certainly more than just art school garbage, but ehhhhh not THAT much more. its very of its time, in that it felt very 90s... and not even in terms of what people are wearing... styles of clothes or whatever, but in the look of the film, like the shaky camera, fast editing, cameras it was shot with... like one scene is in 35mm, another its 8mm, another is video or theyre shooting a tv playing a scene... it felt very mtv music video in that way. but it was of its time, so i dont really fault it that much for that.

i do think there is something there, tho, that elevates it to something more interesting than typical crappy art school garbage. before i started watching it, i tried to think of what i did know about it, and all i could think of was the poster, the kid eating spaghetti, the kid with rabbit ears, chloe, and the girl creepily shaving her eyebrows. and even only knowing that, that pretty much kinda sums up the whole movie. gummo is experimental and non-linear with no real plot. its just kind of a bunch of scenes of these mostly young people in this town... not even sure id say its a character study either, cause there are no arcs to any of them really. it really is just scenes of all these very poor people. id say the dialogue is effective and rings true to these people. like it all felt very naturalistic. but just one scene after another. they could have jumbled up the scenes in almost any order and it wouldnt have mattered.

so at the beginning, the narrator comes on and says that this town, xenia, ohio was hit by a tornado where alot of people died many years earlier, and now these people have been surviving in this desolate town. then we meet the 2 protagonists, and theyre almost immediately about to kill a cat. what doesnt work for me is the director, harmony korine, trying to be shocking. like i get trying to establish how fucked up these kids lives are now, and that them killing small animals for money, and sport, is not a big deal to them, that they dont have morals or conscience, but its sort of the way it was shot and constantly going back to a dead cat, like close-ups of it hanging with its tongue out, it just said to me, "oh look at me, im a shocking young director, look at me, look how punk and shocking i can make this movie". its kinda juvenile and.. yes well... kinda art school-ish.

also its kinda exploitative, just to be shocking. like the 2 main kids go to this guys house to pay for sex with, idk if its his sister or who, but they pay him and one by one they go in, and then you discover the girl who is being prostituted out is a girl with down syndrome, and its almost kinda played as a joke, cause they put some homer simpsons shotgun whore make up on this poor girl. idk... it just feltl like a joke and not real to the scene... not that these horrible people in this town wouldnt take advantage of vulnerable people for their own gain, but idk, its the way it was shot, and almost the reveal of the fact that she was someone with disabilities, was a joke or exploitative or something. like i dont think id be opposed to using someone with downs in a scene like this JUST BECAUSE they have downs, but just the way THEY filmed THIS scene or edited or presented did not work for me. all it said was "wow look its downs syndrome girl" and nothing more than that.

what did work is that most of movie felt very real, almost documentary in how it captured these people, and also just how viscerally gross looking everything looked. like really truly disgusting. all these people are wearing rags, and have greasy hair and sweaty faces and the houses are in shambles, some like clearly hoarder houses. the one scene that was prob the grossest for me, (and it wasnt the scene of the kid eating spaghetti in the bathtub, cause eventho i think that scene is synonymous with the movie, the bathtub water was like fake dirty looking or something. it looked like it was colored greenish brown, and it just really didnt feel as real as the rest of the sets in the movie. like as im watching i was thinking did they dye the water with a green brown dye? it was sort of jarring and kinda took me out of the scene a bit.) but actually the one scene that really felt like it was an encapsulation of the whole movie, was (in the gif above) of this little boy, maybe 5-6-7 yrs old and hes barefoot in this disgusting, clearly hoarder house standing on this pile of garbage, and hes next to a wall and jiggles like a painting or framed art on the wall and you just see this one cockroach just scurry out along the wall, but then right next to it is a framed photo of this family all sitting together in like a sears portrait, but the kid grabs the photo off the wall and you just see dozens of cockroaches just all scurrying off into all different directions, and i felt a little queasy. it was kind of the most real scene in the whole movie. the kid then climbs down off the pile and you see the 2 young protagonists on the couch sitting next to a girl and all 3 are huffing glue out of a paper bag, and this young child just crawls into the arms of the girl, and you kinda get the impression shes maybe his mom? all of it is so depressing and gross. then the camera zooms in as the young boy is laying on this girl huffing from the bag, and you see an extreme close up of the boys legs and they are bitten up by bugs. like i dont know if that was makeup or if that was real real, but damn if it didnt really look real, and you felt sad for this kid, kinda sick to your stomach. it was truly maybe the most real and disgusting scene in the whole movie.

for me, that scene of the kid and cockroaches really WAS the whole point of the movie. the mess this house was in was like the aftermath of the tornado, just a complete disaster. the happy photo on the wall was all the families before the tornado, and the roaches scurrying are what was left of these poor people in this town, scared of the light and running around in all directions. idk if harmony korine planned this, but this scene in particular, out of everything seemed to sum up everything the movie was trying to say. it was gross and heartbreaking and you feel bad these people are still living this way so many years after the destruction the tornado left.

the one other kinda complimentary thought i had about how the movie was presented, was i thought the parallel of movie being just a bunch of jumbled scenes of this town that hasnt recovered from the tornado, and the tornado itself being this destructive force that jumbled up the whole town, idk maybe some kind of parallel between those 2 thing kinda worked some. not really a fully put together thought, but something i thought of.

overall it was a compelling watch, i didnt really get bored of these weird people, some scenes may have gone on a little longer than necessary, but for the most part i was always interested in seeing where it was going next. theres some highly uncomfortable scenes, some worked and some didnt. the actors were fine, you can tell some were professional and some the director prob just found, but for the most part no one stuck out as inauthentic to where the movie was set. there was also a lot of shaky cam which a couple times i had to look away cause it was making me feel dizzy. but the movie looked pretty good, naturalistic for the most part, that felt appropriate for the scenes. i never picked up my phone, so i was never bored. not sure if id watch again, but maybe. i didnt love it, i didnt hate it. its kinda hard to say i didnt feel anything for it, cause it was shocking and gross and disgusting in many parts, but it kinda felt like it was shocking for shocking sake, with no real reason other than "look at me i made a shocking movie". worth watching i suppose if something like this sounds like something youd maybe appreciate.

[swordbreakerz]

14 and 15 for my mi asks!✅ (sry if you got this multiple times, i had a little trouble w my asks lmao)

HI sorry for the delay my school term ends on friday and ive been dying badly from studying but i always have time to think about ethan hunt

14. Do you have any mi headcanons?

BOY DO I!!! same as my dear friend @astrallouis i am Firmly of the opinion that ethan has so much brain damage, and in particular:

muscle tremors (particularly hands, flares up most when hes not under pressure)

brain fog

migraines

slight vision issues (everythings kinda bright and has a bit of haze in his periphery)

as well as various types of chronic pain from injuring and healing and reinjuring and rehealing various parts of his body, disabled ethan is soooo important to me, and also ive transgendered him bc these are the two things i do to most characters i love (and if u want to read a fic about those things and benji helping him out with them i wrote one). also adhd benji bc look at him

15. What's your favorite mi ship?

rubs my aromantic hands together. preemptive apology for my long windedness. obviously benthan, ship of all time, and i DO think there is romance involved for them but it is like so the least important part of their relationship its like a bonus fact bc THE TRUST!!!! THE BEING PSYCHICALLY IN TUNE W ONE ANOTHER!!!!!!!! AAUEUHG the back and forth explaining the plan scene in mi8 killed me bc theyre SO in eachothers pockets and theyre just so..... holds them........

im ALSO a huge ethan/julia fan, and having just established my aromanticism they are one of very very few fictional couples that make me believe romantic love is real and not something made up by big romcom to sell more movies bc are you KIDDING ME. wasting PRECIOUS seconds in mi3 to kill the bomb in his head to tell her he loves her?????? julia TRUSTING HIM to come back after throwing that switch and then in fallout being IMMEDIATELY on board with trying to help and literally no one being able to pry her away??? they make me crazy. love is real. they make me feel the same way as love of my life by queen does, a song i cant listen to because it makes me cry like a baby

now into the weird zone. im weirding it. ethan and luther make me Crazy bc they have known eachother for So Long, luther has seen ethan at some of his worst points and ethan Literally nearly enabled a nuclear winter to save luthers life and im!!!! that is ethans BEST FRIEND that is the guy he shares his life with both literally and figuratively luther will Always be there for him, hes ethans guiding light and. im about to be a huge nerd for a second but you know how earths moon is tidal locked to the planet? it doesnt have independent spin, thats why we can only see one face of it, why theres a 'dark side' of the moon. the dwarf planet pluto, 9th solar system body, has a moon called charon and they are tidal locked to eachother, charon has no idependent spin of pluto and pluto has no indepenent spin of charon, they are their own smaller closed orbit as they orbit the sun and THAT is luther and ethan to me (AND ALSO luther is the only member of the team to ever tell ethan he loves him on screen. weeping and wailing) (and piggybacking on this benji and luther!!!! theyre United in Getting Ethan and close in their own right but like trulyyy nothing will ever be on the level of ethan and luther just due to circumstance and time)

and in a similar vein ilsa and ethans relationship is also soooo fascinating to me bc its So self recognition through the other but ilsa got out where ethan never can, and of COURSE she comes back to help him when he calls but she can never and will never stay bc she values her freedom too much AND ETHAN WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO!! he sees that in her and wants her to stay free SO BADLY bc he will never be able to truly escape the imf, they are The Same Kind Of Person and they have a deep understanding of what that means and what lengths theyd go to for the world and eachother

im cutting myself off bc i could go on AT LENGTH about the platonic and Somewhere Inbetween relationships in this series but my parting thought is that ilsa and the white widow have definitely fucked, go women

[inerciasss]

More characters from Archer and Cecil's story!! The popular kids from Archer's class :D

From left to right: Miguel (he/him), Sam (he/him), Noor (she/he) and Aisha (she/her). Noor and Aisha are childhood best friends, the four of them meet and become a friend group on their first year of high school <# Miguel and Archer live in the same neighborhood, so they become friends because they take the same bus to school every day. And my baby Archer is extremely introverted and shy while Miguel is super extroverted and outgoing, so when Miguel learns that Archer wants to become friends with Cecil but doesn't know how, he and his friends basicly start playing platonic matchmakers between the two to help Archer out lmao

Gonna give some cultural context, but it's pretty much an infodump soooo if you're interested in that infodump under the cut!!

Okey so you might be looking at my kids and saying "Iner there's no way those guys wouldn't get bullied to hell and back" (specially cause, well, Miguel wears exclusively skirts and dresses). And to that I say: ssssssh. Listen. Listen.

They're not just high school students. They're art high school students. And art school is like a different world

Here in Spain school is only mandatory until you're 16, and high school is optional. It's only two years, and you go if you want to go to college or anything similar. And because of that, high school is already "specialised" here.

You have science/technology, linguistics/sociology, and art (plastic/theatre) high school. And my story happens on the second/last year of art high school :D

This story is very very inspired by my own experiences, as I wanted to tell a story that I and my friends could see ourselves in. Because of that, I made all the characters people I could've easily gone to class to. In fact, a lot of them are inspired on irl people.

And ime, people who would get bullied anywhere else are really popular in art school. And I said that cause i've lived it– I went from being the weird kid who only had a few friends and was always excluded and picked last to having a lot of friends and feeling like I belonged. Probably because most art students are queer, or nerds, or neurodivergent, or all of the above lmao. All my friends are either into anime, or animation, or kpop, or comics. Most of them are neurodivergent in some way or another, or have obscure interests, or are alt. And I can count my cishet friends with one hand.

So, y'know. When you're all the queer weird kids, you don't get bullied for being queer or weird. Of course, this isn't saying that art school is some perfect utopia where we are all friends and get along perfectly and bigotry doesn't exist. I'm just saying that, in my experience, it's a very chill place where I finally found my fellow weird kids and finally felt like I was accepted with everything I am, not despite of it. And I think that's really cool <#

And while we're at it, let me tell you about the characters!! Miguel is based on THE popular guy from my high school class. He was the gayest man you'll ever meet, and so friendly and extroverted that everyone loved him. We weren't friends or anything, but he was a nice dude. I liked him. So I wanted Miguel to have his vibe!! Miguel is the friendliest guy ever. He gets along with everyone cause he's just vibing through life. Your happy go lucky type. I also made him HoH inspired by another guy I went to class to, but that one was an asshole lmao. I just like knowing realistic accomodations for my disabled character y'know? And!! He's also a celtic pagan!! Bc I befriended a surprising amount of pagans on high school lol

Then we have my ray of sunshine Sam <# his full name is Samuel Diego, he's half colombian half chilean. He's mainly inspired on one (1) friend to the point I had to make a conscious effort to not make them look the same and still failed 😭 but I just!! Love my friend so much!!! I needed to add his energy to my comic!! But I also added some stuff from all my latino friends and my brother's facial scars cause we need more characters with silly scars lmao. Sam is also the token cishet of the group cause every friend group needs a token cishet <#

Noor is based on another of my friends who's actually peruvian lmao, but I wanted to give Aisha an arab friend so here's Noor <# Noor is the introverted one of the group, but also very silently chaotic. He's gender fluid, very chill, and wants to study anything related to cameras and audiovisuals. And also your classic non practicing muslim that doesn't really follow islam but refuses to eat pork and drink alcohol lmao

And lastly Aisha!! I'm from Madrid so there's a lot of arab inmigrants where I live, and I just think hijabis are so stylish omgs. So I just!! Really wanted a stylish hijabi oc!!! Unlike Noor, she is pretty religious herself. But also super chill about it cause some religious people are normal about it and I really appreciate them 😭 Aisha is also a huge superhero nerd who wants to draw comics and has a ton of oc's herself. She's the braincell of the group until you bring up superheroes, then you lost her. She will tell you all about the white washing of the Scarlet Witch. She's very passionate about representación in comics and you will sit there and listen

Also they're all different religions but chill about it. Miguel is a celtic pagan, Sam is evangelic christian and Noor and Aisha are muslim. They're all super chill about it, cause they're all like do whatever you want with your life bro. Aisha is fine with paganism as long as you don't do magic around her, and Miguel isn't a witch (his grandma is), so all is fine. This is also inspired by two of my friends who are super close friends, but one is a witch and the other is christian. I may have religious trauma but even I understand that 👏people👏can👏be👏normal👏about👏their👏religion!!👏

So that's it :D thanks if you read all that, here's a cookie for your time🍪

[biganimal92]

Ok now im invested. Why isnt that assistant getting fired from where you work at?

there are actually a few reasons although none of them are good

the doctor's actually been trying to retire for a while and has been in the process of trying to sell the clinic since before i started working here so I think one reason is that she's not interested in the work it would take to train a new assistant from scratch. she can't really reduce her workload realistically because the clinic has been operating in the red for many years now and she ended up having to take a second job just to be able to afford to keep paying us for three days a week. the money issues are another reason because she was actually glad when the sexy new hire ended up quitting of her own accord and even though she's been trying to push the awful assistant out, she's made no attempts to hire anyone to replace him (which she can't do while he's here because he creates an environment that literally no one wants to work in and we lost two employees in under 2 months because of the way he acts)

part of the reason why the business is doing so poorly is another reason why she won't fire him and it's because she's too nice for her own good. I'm as anticapitalist as it gets but that doesn't change the reality of the world we live in and she's genuinely not cut out to be a business owner. she doesn't want the responsibility as I said above but she also can't say no to people and she's always making exceptions for patients that result in us losing money, on top of the fact that she never reprimands the awful assistant even when he loses her like 2000 dollars in one week because of his awful decisions. like she'll yell at him but she hasn't really done anything else, and while that's really bad for a manager to be doing the only other thing she could realistically do is fire him because he like refuses to listen to what anyone else has to say to him because he's so convinced he's right about everything.

the third and final reason is I think she feels sorry for him because she thinks he might have a learning disability, which I have a lot of thoughts about but those are mainly about how shitty his parents are for ignoring the fact that three of their children were able to get phds but their fourth child could barely read and write by the time he entered high school but that's not much of my business. he can't do very basic parts of his job, like take notes during exams or send emails, and he's constantly acting like he has no idea what he's doing and like he's still in his first month of working here and he's been here for almost three years. and like I said he can't write, his handwriting looks like he's still in kindergarten and this isn't rude for me to say because he knows how bad it is too, but the worst part of all of this is that IF he does have a learning disability, hes clearly shown he doesnt think its anything that will impact him.

I'm all for equal opportunity employment and I think everyone should be able to have access to a fulfilling and well-paying job that fits their skill set but he seriously cannot do this job and it's part of why he keeps getting fired everywhere else. the combination of his entitlement, his refusal to listen to what anyone says, his recklessness when it comes to patient interactions, and the fundamental lack of really important skills despite doing this for almost three years are why he's unhireable. the doctor said she's not going to write a letter of recommendation for him anymore because this was the second time she's gone out of her way to help him only for him to get fired after three days, and she said its embarrassing for her to recommend someone like this. and he's convinced he's done nothing wrong at any of these jobs and he doesn't know why nowhere will hire him, even when I prod him for answers and he repeats very clear reasons as to why he was fired, he still says it was "for no reason". also I should make it clear that even if he did disclose he had some sort of learning disability, she could still very easily fire him legally if the accommodations he needs put undue strains on the way the business operates and I think needing to have the front office manager (me) do part of your job because you're actually incapable of doing it and also costing the clinic thousands of dollars because you refuse to listen to your boss would easily count as undue strain

again I don't know if he has a learning disability for real since it's still just the doctor's speculation that i only found out about last wednesday but even if he did that's not why I can't stand him and I hope I've made that clear, it's entirely about the fact that he's constantly picking fights with the doctor and constantly ignoring her and making me do parts of his job without giving me any good reason as to why he can't do it himself aside from him just being really bad at his job. like it's his personality that I can't stand and the fact that he's doing very real damage to the clinic

tl;dr she's trying to retire so she doesn't want to have to put in the effort of training someone new, the business is doing horribly so she doesn't have the money to hire someone new, and she feels bad for him because she thinks he has a learning disability and she knows this is the only "respectable" job he can get where he isn't doing physical labor because no one else in this industry will hire him (respectable in quotes because I don't think there's anything wrong with being a garbage collector and I think it's just as valuable as anything else but most people don't feel that way)

anyway those are the reasons I think she feels bad about firing him. it ultimately boils down to being a bad manager and a bad business owner and I'm not making any excuses for her, I just know that she has a lot of complicated reasons for why she hasn't done anything. the good news is she should be reducing his hours even more in july so it seems like she's trying to push him out. if this doesn't happen though I really don't know what I'll do because I'm rapidly reaching my limit

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[ari-oreo]

blackness, neurodivergance & polyamory

tw: SA mentioned, VENT, cultural & spiritual discussion, desirability politics/concerns, looooonnngg (think small essay)

so, i'm black, omnisexual, polyamorous, auDHD and christian + fat & disabled. i get really confused at the mess that I find myself in when it comes to romantic attraction and relationships with the combination of these identities and my own preferences. in short, i'm afraid of ending up alone and in this fear i get confused in my attraction and i'm worried about maintaining/having any kind of boundaries and standards.

i'm prone to losing my mind and getting really confused whenever someone shows interest in me, even though i might not be attracted to them fully, i've noticed that I tend to convince myself that i'm attracted to them at some point, despite my knowing fully well that they aren't my type or have anykind of personal traits that I find attractive. i get over-excited whenever people talk about finding me physically/sexually attractive as i'm not used to that being a thing. the excitement and panic i related to that makes it difficult for me to bring myself to enforce my boundaries, standards and prefrences as i'm mainly just grateful that i'm attractive to them in the first place. 

but a part of what feeds into this is the fact that i'm not fat in the way that my more attractive peers are, they're fat while having much better proportions than i do, i also grew up in whiter spaces and don't have the features and grasp of black community beauty standards that they do. and i'm not really attracted to non-black/white people, (i had my last white crush in middle school, i am now going into college, i've noticed the polyamorous community is pretty white) and more than this, my disabilities all have a factor of fatigue and this makes taking care of myself at baseline difficult, which makes putting large amounts of effort into my appearance regularly, nearly impossible. this makes it difficult for me to preform adequate black femininity, and while i see myself as more of a stem, it's still difficult. within the black community, it's been hard-pressed to find people that i'm attracted to and are attracted to me that are even OPEN to polyamory in a remotely ethical manner. (this is probably just cause i'm in high school, but i'm also primarily attracted to studs when it comes to girls, but all the ones i've encountered have been astronomically transphobic {im not trans, but transphobia pisses me off} [this isn't a bash on studs, im only a teenager and my area is small])

being christian/christian omnist makes it that much more difficult, because i gave up on finding someone, let alone multiple people, that i could have a relationship with that would share my beliefs and be accepting of my identities. 

these are all only compounded by the fact that i believe myself to be hypersexual, and whenever that hikes/an episode happens, i become desperate for any piece of sexual attention that i can get and any boundaries/apprehensions that i have become secondary, no matter how much i try to keep it all at bay. i become burden upon my partner in how much attention i need and my adhd makes my memory span practically non-existent, meaning that no matter how much i'm given, its almost never enough. this combination fo situations is what lead to my SA, two times in two years, by the same person as consequence of his faux acceptance of polyamory, "christian values"(albeit, performative and mild), open "romantic" & sexual interest in me and the level of attention & affection he was willing to give (it was love-bombing and everything he ever did for me was ploy). and the way that it managed to happen a second time was thanks to my tendency to forget, a symptom of my neurodivergence. he also used spiritual and neurodivergent talking points that made me believe i could trust him. 

my experience with him have only made me and my current partner more worried about my future and if i have any chance of having the life that i want. my partner and i are aware that he and i have very different plans for our lives, (including the fact that he's monogamous, but this isn't the only thing) so we've agreed to split after high school graduation. this has lead to us having open discussions about both of our concerns and fear for me in the future. we're both scared of my hypersexual episodes (which we refer to as the attention-urge) and what they may lead me to do and what people they may lead me to get involved with, my episodes only make the rest of my concerns and conditions worse and i'm scared that i'll never get to have healthy, loving polyamorous relationship without compromising on my prefrences, minimizing aspects of my identity or just not at all.

i'm not sure exactly what this is, but thank you for reading, i hope i was able to get my point across.

[nesscel]

greetings nesscel

do not worry about being a deadbeat... my friends and i are the same so it really doesn't bother me ever ever. RIGHT. i hate school and the fact that i have to get an education. why can't i just stare at reo all day?

ALSO WHAT THE FUCK. THAT IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY. kaiser's bid is fucking mad too. i really need rin to do something crazy like please!! rip sae's hair out at the very least... i don't know the brand </3 and i don't think my frien wouldn't remember it either he was drunk as hell when he found it. but like its crazy esp where i live like no one would give their toe hair for free but a closed can of beer???

this is very off topic... but i hate how dirty neji was done and i will always hold a grudge against kishimoto

may you find a pack of unopened cigarettes,

anon 1

dearest anon 1,

people always wanted me to have an education and a future and ambitions. but i didn’t let them tell me what to do and now im a neet even though they won’t give me disability and hate me and want me to die. this isn’t an inspirational story but it’s not exactly a cautionary tale because there’s worse fates in life, for example living in the usa

i hope kaiser emotionally recovers because even though isagi did all that his bid is still way bigger and re al doesn’t want isagi’s bum ass. we’ve always known who was the real GOAT of BM and some 17 year old with a loving family won’t change the facts. in the next episode of my podcast we will be t

also im kind of frustrated and just want new chapters out already because WHY ISNT ANYONE BUT ISAGI REACTING!!!!!! ARGHHHH

kishimoto will always be a bum because why would you make such a creative and unique supporting cast of characters just to completely neglect them because you want your 2 (4 if you push it) main pop girls to have all the good moments. the swing had more screentime than tenten 😭😭😭!!!

re: the beer, i think it’s already-drunk people leaving them outside on accident but i was really ??? because that bench was in the middle of a very popular walkway full of people. i guess they don’t have a money mindset like me. you’re very sweet, i’ve only ever found cigarettes out in public one time when i was 18 and they were some weird russian ones. i gave them to my irl 😭 (and a box of cigarettes would be appreciated since i accidentally bought pall malls instead of chesterfields last week before i got sick… that was a sign i suppose)

i hope nobody is pissing you the fuck off,

nesscel ❤️