#because of Fucking Efnisien

[tearlessrain]

ah branch 2 of the mabinogion aka "god fucking damn it efnisien"

[not-poignant]

If that's how much Gary loses it with just efnisien's sub-larentins, how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time? Or is Augus just more accustomed to it and is just like Gary this so embarrassing for you 🤭 one whiff of larentin and you can't make sentences 🤭

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just. Full animal going at it from both of them?

It's definitely not just the sub-larentins! Efnisien wasn't even in heat, and we've seen Gary react to Efnisien in (a partial) heat and he wasn't out of control, but he did grow increasingly uh, invested, or maybe aroused by Efnisien the more time he spent with him, and the more he came to interact with him sensually/sexually.

Gary's not attracted to omegas, and he can suppress his reaction to omegas when they're in heat. We also know that he can have this intense reaction to alphas, which is why James only agreed to having penetrative sex with him less than a handful of times a year. So it's definitely not just a 'sub-larentin' thing, though I think that played into why things lasted so long, Gary could always go into that feral headspace because he literally warns Efnisien over and over again what he's like, because of his experience with alphas. Which is important to remember! Gary hasn't been that intense before, but that doesn't mean he isn't intense, because that's what he's been trying to prepare Efnisien for mentally for some time, from the size training, to other things, to kind of give him a 'hey, don't fuck around with peak alphas, I mean it' heads up.

But Gary didn't know that he could fuck for three days straight, and that's where I think the sub-larentins had a partial (but definitely not full) influence.

how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time?

Most peak alphas (including Gary) don't react to omegas in heat the way most alphas do. Most peak alphas aren't attracted to omegas at all (in fact many aren't attracted to anyone, they're attracted to power), so Augus doesn't have the same issues that some alphas do if an omega goes into heat (he has other issues, but that's a whole other thing).

Tbh in this world it'd be more like 'that's embarrassing for Augus' re: how he's able to be so in control all the time. He's considered on the weaker end of the peak alpha perspective. (If Temsen and Gary are at a 90/100, Augus is at a 20/100 for power, lmao, kind of like of the alphas, Janusz is on the lower end and Caleb is on the higher for power).

Augus is very good at sublimating his instincts into BDSM, but he's really quite atypical and is the only peak alpha companion in the world because of it. A meaner peak alpha would probably call that a skill issue, lmao.

But we also haven't seen Augus with an omega during their heat. We don't know how he's affected. We can't draw any conclusions about it, especially since alphas are meant to fuck omegas for days without stopping during a heat, because that's like...part of the responsibility of taking care of an omega. So if he can do that and is invested in doing that, he's just being normal.

But yeah no, Efnisien wasn't in heat! He wasn't making more sub-larentins than normal. So whole 'one whiff of larentin' isn't why Gary couldn't make sentences. That had nothing to do with it. Gary was like this before with alphas who don't make sub-larentins. It was the length/intensity on top of everything he doesn't expect, but he memory loss, the lack of ability to form sentences etc. that's all normal for him. That's peak alphas being in the haze of utterly destroying/dominating someone, and that is something they very much enjoy (if they're attracted to anyone at all) with alphas.

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just.

Efnisien was never in heat for this! Efnisien wasn't in heat, didn't "need" sex, wasn't producing more hormones for sex. He was just, in that moment, a regular alpha who was curious about having penetrative sex for the first time.

We can see Gary's reaction at least to a partial heat earlier in the story, and it's very different, so we know he doesn't lose control of himself / and can still make full sentences when Efnisien's in that state.

[gingersnaptaff]

Me again! Bringing in some hot gossip about the Welsh Laws of Women. (By which I mean from the laws of Hywel Dda.)

No. No! Don't run away, it's good shit, I promise!

So, the legal majority for a girl was twelve. This is different to a boy. Under Welsh law, they didn't become men until they were 14, and, if they were high-ranking, were fostered out to other nobles, whereas girls were kept at home, hence the 'father's platter.' What's interesting to me is that after she became a woman she was entitled to hold her own property as an unmarried woman and 'go wherever she pleased.'

I realise I am saying that verbatim to what I've highlighted but like think about it!!!! She wasn't bound to her family - except in marriage but I'll get into that - and she legally had the right to go bye byes! Her father didn't rule her life, basically. She's a free spirit.

NOW, the right to land is pretty tricky, on account of different parts of Wales having different customs. You gotta remember that Wales was NEVER really united* under one big fish until AFTER the Normanic Conquest, and even then that took some fuckin doing.

(*Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, Owain Gwynedd, and Llywelyn Fawr are exceptions. That's the House of Aberffraw, bb!)

So, in South Wales, it seems more prevalent to give land to a lady's descendants when there were no men to take up the land. This is far better than in North Wales (and may I just say as a North Walian *clears throat* WHAT THE FUCK?) where basically Salic Law applied which is basically where u gotta give it to a male descendent. Female lineal descendants were excluded. Boo!!!

BUT!!! However, matrilineal bloodlines should not be discounted. Royal women still had claims to the throne that could be used by their descendants to press their claim. Owain Glyndŵr did this. I suspect if u were related to a Welsh lady you could try and do it but, pls, don't use this tumblr post to try and convince the jury. It's on you, bud.

MAWWIAGE. IT'S WHAT BWINGS US TOGETHER.

Now, there are two forms of marriage. Your normal one where your parents pick for you or at the very least gift u to your husbando like in Culhwch and Olwen, and the one where you can ELOPE. Because Welsh law didn't see marriage as a religious thing the sanctity of marriage wasn't in question so, therefore, you could have a little fun and y'know nyoom after your chosen beau. (Gwenllian ferch Gruffudd ap Cynan did this. She's ace.)

The Mabinogi gives us a lot of good shit about the gift of kin stuff. Branwen gets gifted to Matholwch by Bendigeidfran, all fine and dandy. BUT Welsh law states that your relatives - mam, dad, grandads, grandmum's, great-grandad's and grrat-grandmum's - needed to take counsel cuz y'know it's a big fuckin thing, giving somebody in marriage. So, that's why Efnisien is so upset because he wasn't given a say. He thinks he is legally entitled to do so. However, he's only her half-brother so not full-blooded. Therefore, he's unable to have a say because he isn't fully related to her.

(A lot of Welsh law is prevaricated on kin ties.)

Also for all u Rhiannon lovers out there - like me - the Welsh law was on her side when she fought to free herself from Gwawl ap Clud. (Although the badger-in-a-sack game was a bit much.) Welsh law forbade a woman from being married against her will. Yeah, your family could try and capture you and bring you back but like if you'd bonked the lad you could stay. You'd made your choice. Nobody can take that away from you. All that was needed in a personal bestowal was continued cohabitation. *clicks teeth, finger guns.*

Also, there are marriage laws too, but I don't want to clutter up the feed too much, or overly ramble. Suffice to say there's some fun ones!

[sunshinemoonrx]

Sometimes I feel like Efnisien because I, too, have no idea why the fuck I just did that

anyway, which character from the four branches would you all be? i would be lleu. because my mother doesn't want me, my uncle's been very influential in my life, and i too can be tempted out of hiding by a little poetry recital.

[not-poignant]

As someone who has a lot of hormonally induced, fairly vicious mood swings, I just wanted to say that I think the way you write UTB Efnisien really captures the self doubt and frustration that can stem from it. Obviously, we are in very(!) different situations but I find it very resonant and true to my own struggles and it makes me feel a tiny bit less crazy when I read it, so thank you for that

Oof, sorry you have to go through that anon, it can be a challenge that's for sure.

Especially because people can often be quite dismissive about it and it's like no, hormones are real, and they're going to really mess with you depending on what your body is doing (and the drugs you're taking / the stage in your life) at any given time.

Writing that for Efnisien has been interesting, because I think some of his mood swings are just pure trauma responses that are interpreted as being connected to his hormones, and others are very much evidence of where he sits with too little ardolphogen in his body.

If anything, I think Gary's mood swings are profoundly influenced by the hormones he produces, and we'll see that in the future, when he experiences something called 'ardolphogen rage' and has to take tranquilisers because of it.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia x

Has Gary ever fucked someone to the point of blacking out? and if yes what does he do? Does just keep going? 😆

Also does he have safewords to give them an out? Since I know you said he can be very primal and it seems like he enjoys it when the people he's with fight back or say no

Just really curious. Thanks

Oooo, okay, so it just depends. I mean yes he absolutely fucks people to the point of passing out, he's actually pretty used to it. Not many bodies are designed for sex marathons with a peak alpha. But re: the passing out...

Like if someone passed out early on because they'd taken drugs and it had not much to do with Gary's actions, he'd stop immediately (and call an ambulance or arrange to take them to the hospital). After all, most of the people Gary fucks, he picks up in nightclubs.

However, if say, a person passes out because Gary's absolutely used them up and they're overloaded, he'll usually quickly monitor their pulse and heart-rate, and then continue. (He won't if he hasn't knotted yet, he needs his partners to be conscious for that, and he doesn't always knot anyway - but he will if it's after knotting).

So yeah it's very circumstantial.

As for safewords, you'll have to keep reading Underline the Black to find out if he uses those! That chapter's coming this month. :D

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia. Just curious is Gary good at giving aftercare to his partners or is he like Temsen?

Also that list of stuff Gary's into is making me squeal XD Can't wait to see how and what sort of intimate activities Gary and Ef get up to together in the future

Hi hi,

This just really depends. Gary doesn't consider the people he has one night stands with to be 'partners.' He doesn't really bother with aftercare with them beyond making sure they're not injured physically (and by that, not even too injured, some blood is considered acceptable to him). He's usually the first one to leave, and he has left partners who are asleep / borderline knocked out once he's reassured himself that they don't need to go to a hospital. He usually just leaves a business card in case they leave him lmao.

And otherwise the only partner he's ever had is James. I'd say whatever aftercare he provides is mostly based around health more than comfort, though there might be some reassurance in there, alphas don't like to feel the alpha version of emasculated for too long, so like... most of the classic things associated with aftercare would just really prolong a scene for an alpha.

They're more likely to need to actually re-establish themselves as being independent and capable rather than want comfort. We even see this with Efnisien in their first real kind of 'sex' scene (the handjob scene coming up). Efnisien doesn't want to be hugged and coddled and petted, he actually gets up pretty quickly and goes to have a shower, in part because he's sort of...falling back into his own power again.

But that is also part of the aftercare for Gary.

I also think it's part of his aftercare - like, for himself - to be allowed to just leave or detach soon after, or be more like 'you don't matter to me so much that I need to be around you 24/7 I'm going to do something else now' - which is necessary for peak alphas to a degree as well.

With James, I'd say he probably made sure James had access to food and water, and you know, told him that he's beautiful and hot and held him for a while and then actually just gave James a hell of a lot of space if James wanted it, or went back to giving James a lot more power and control in the relationship.

I doubt Gary's ever given serious thought to the word 'aftercare' and if someone said 'what aftercare do you do' he'd just give them a blank look and say 'I don't do any.'

Everything he does after sex to him is the basic thing you do after anyone runs a physical marathon and might be injured after doing it. He's as likely to consider that aftercare as he is to consider a post-workout protein bar 'aftercare.' He doesn't really think that way! Which makes it harder to kind of think about for me in general because it's like, my kneejerk reaction is to be like 'he does not give a shit.' That's not quite true, and he does things that some would consider aftercare, just...Gary never would, and he's incredibly skimpy on it with strangers.

[gingersnaptaff]

Most chill to least - Welsh mythology and Arthurian edition. Inspired by a convo @gwalch-mei and I had last night. Seriously I was severely sleep deprived so yeah.

0. Culhwch. He just exists in his own story like I can't say much else. Sorry, mate.

1. Manawydan / Brân (they're brothers but like Manawydan is legit usurped by a guy who kills his nephew and just completely fucks off to Dyfed to live in peace with his horse goddess wife and her rash son. Brân, before he gets his head cut off, is super chill but also nearly gets the whole of the Britons wiped out. (Long story)

2. Rhiannon. Unproblematic. Never done anything wrong in her LIFE.

3. Palomides. (I know he has beef with Tristan but like SAME.)

4. Honestly, Gwalchmai is super chill.

5. Aranrhod. Wants to be left alone by her stupid idiotic brothers. Or smash Gwydion's head in. Either really.

6. Branwen. Chill, yes, but I do also headcanon that she wanted to kill her half-brother as well as her husband and raze Ireland to the ground for all she endured.

7. Peredur / Percival. More Peredur because he is the most chillest and unfazed lad ever but still.

8. Galahad. Just... the vibe gives is super chill war criminal in a way I cannot explain.

9. Arthur. Except for the time in Welsh myth where he just casually kills a dude for necking one of his mistresses. Or y'know the May Day massacre.

10. Gwenhwyfar. (Guinevere is also chill but she would hunt those who wronged her down for sport if necessary. Gwenhwyfar, in contrast, would maim if needed. Seems largely content with the fact her husband is in love with his boat. Also just... yeah.)

11. Bedwyr. Puts up with Arthur's crap so it necessitates he would Have To Be Chill.

12 / 13. Lancelot and Gawain. They're together because their shenanigans are unmatched.

14/15. Lludd and Llefelys. They near killed each other because of some magical imps they have NO CHILL. Tbf they also immediately made up but like ugyftci

16. Dylan Ail Don, my beloved. He is the god of the waves. (Also, Llŷr too because as god of the sea, he would go off if he was not imprisoned somewhere.)

17. Kay. A lil more hot-headed in certain interpretations. Would, I think, also smack the shit out of Arthur if pressed. (Kay is also here for me because he is a cantankerous bastard but, like, wouldn't u be if u had to deal with half the shit he did.)

18. Fuckin Mordred man endjsjdjx CHILL MY DUDE PLS.

19. Arawn and Pwyll. Just the entirety of branch one of the Mabinogionmakes me think they just are both chill and terribly not.

20/21 Gaheris and Gareth are also a package deal. I know gawain and lance are quite high up the list whereas the rest of the Orkney aren't but like it's a big fat lie. They're just better at hiding it.

22/23. Gwydion and Gilfaethwy

24/25 Blodeuwedd and Lleu. They need couples therapy and QUICKLY

26/27. Owain and Morfudd (they are grandkids of arawn so u THINK THEY CHILL?))

28. Gwyn ap Nudd (no chill. Cut out a man's heart and then made the man's son eat it. Get some therapy, Gwyn, plîs.)

29. Bors and Hector ngl

27. Tor and Lamorak. Just. I mean.

28. Efnisien. oh God oh fuck oh boi

29. Pryderi, in all honesty. Like for having a mum who is legit super chill (apart from when she chews Pwyll and Manawydan out) he is remarkably rash.

30. Fuckin GERAINT

31. Agravaine. Man is just... he just... well, y'know.

32. Cerridwen. She chased Taliesin down and I bet she was fuming the entire time. Literally ate him and gave birth to him.

33. Enid. She is not chill and honestly I know she seems like she is but I bet she wanted to kill geraint cuz I would. Let her fly off the handle holy shit.

34. Morgan. I think she is allowed to be as unchill as she can and wishes to be.

35. Iseult / Esyllt. Nothing more than vibes honestly but still.

36. Olwen. Again nothing but vibes but she is a giant's daughter and like cyvyvuvh

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt for chapter 9 of Constellations:

'He ignored your safeword?' 'Funny, right? Someone like me going through that? Like, it's the least of what I deserved.' The silence was cold and Gwyn sat there aware of all the younger versions of himself that would have thought exactly that. He felt sick.  He understood then with a horrible, heartbreaking clarity, why Efnisien had to stop seeing him. Because Efnisien lived with all those younger, judgemental versions of Gwyn. Because Efnisien had internalised blaming himself for everything, and he would have beaten Gwyn to the punch before he could have told Efnisien he deserved it. Because he would have. He fucking would have done that. He felt really sick, then, and he took a slow and deep breath, and swallowed the saliva that built in his mouth.  'It's not funny,' Gwyn said roughly. 'It's not funny that you went through that. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve more than that.'

[not-poignant]

The latest UtR update on AO3 got me hooked and I could no longer constrain myself and had to read the other chapters on Patreon. Now I need to know: does Lucien have any redeeming character traits in the series or can I add him straight to the list of characters that deserve the worst? That attitude of his towards Faber made me so mad lmao

Hi anon!

This actually reminds me of the ask I got recently about how awful Augus is as a character and how it's impossible to consider him through a positive light after reading Falling Falling Stars. Because that's how he seems if you've never read him in anything else of mine!

My narrators are unreliable, anon. We only ever see Lucien very briefly through the jealous eyes of an insecure man.

(Spoilers for a future brief verbal encounter between Lucien and Faber in Underline the Red).

Lucien is an extremely vulnerable omega who is in an institution that has temporary custody of him. They control what he eats, what he does, whether he leaves or not (i.e. he's functionally imprisoned), who fucks him, if he gets to see anyone else, if he can talk to his partner and family back home and how often. He has significant psychiatric issues around his own insecurities re: jealously and his partner, and he clocks Faber as being in love with Caleb, and he's right.

And that's incredibly unethical of Faber, honestly, to not have disclosed any of this to Dr Gary (like Dr Gary will be right to consider firing him over this in the future). It puts Lucien's mental health in direct and severe jeopardy, and is ironically likely what causes his relapse that causes Caleb to suggest domestic discipline in the first place (oh, Faber, the irony).

Because Lucien's there to learn that actually a lot of his jealousy and insecurity is unfounded. Instead, he learns the opposite, that no matter who he bonds with, someone else is there loving his potential partner while he perceives himself as having very little control (and in the case of Hillview - this is true, all he has are his words).

He's a chronically disabled omega who needs a disability aid (walking stick) to get around, he's a second class citizen, he's agreed with his partner to stay at Hillview because they both recognise how sick he's getting.

Faber is not a mental health patient/omega like Lucien is. He's a staff member who is nursing unrequited loved to an alpha companion, that he's refused to disclose, while still interacting with Caleb and his omegas. Imho, while Lucien is very good at lashing out, he's not wrong to, and that's why Faber fully acknowledges what Lucien is saying and listens to him, and basically never interacts with him again, and avoids Caleb where possible.

Lucien's mean about it, but Lucien is right re: Faber trying to hide his feelings because he knows what will happen if people find out, and that it's also wrong/unfair to put Lucien in that position.

And Faber knows that.

So yeah. The reader is meant to hate Lucien on a surface level, in the same way that Faber does.

But consider that Faber also sometimes seems to hate all omegas. He finds the smell of their heats disgusting. It's actually pretty normal for people to go through a phase of rejecting the thing that they are, if that's something hated in society. Faber's oscillating mixed feelings of bitterness, resentment and cutting attitude is actually mirrored in Lucien.

Faber has thought extremely savage, scathing and unforgiving things himself to the people around him (and himself). Lucien responds to Faber like Faber is an omega (something Faber doesn't recognise yet), because Faber...kind of acts like one in moments like that. (Efnisien also picks up on this, Faber is not great to him in the beginning of Underline the Black, in a very specific way designed for Efnisien to pick up on, and for Gary to miss. Faber behaves jealously, and constantly suggests to Gary that he should get rid of Efnisien, before he finally adjusts to the absence of Gary in his life. Faber is possessive and manipulative!)

Lucien ultimately doesn't need any redeeming characteristics because he's a victim who is at Hillview to heal and Faber is jeopardising that. We can hate him, but that's just the fact. He didn't try to kill Kadek when he arrived at Hillview, he hasn't tried to destroy memories of James, things Efnisien has done even though we love him all the same (ideally). Lucien felt understandably jealous/insecure (literally the thing he's at Hillview to be treated for, safe from people who will be in love with his lover until Faber) and he lashed out meanly.

If a staff member of Hillview can't handle some rude words, they shouldn't work there.

But yeah, I like the Lucien and Faber encounter because they are both extremely similar people in some ways. They are both bitter, jealous, resentful people capable of very scathing thoughts (and words). The only difference is that in that moment, Faber is the recipient and we feel bad for him. I mean, I do feel bad for him. Faber is in a bad place psychologically, it's a horrible thing for him to experience.

If we were getting Lucien's story from his perspective, and saw the panic attacks he had afterwards, and the regression he went through, etc. it might be different. But it doesn't have to be! Lucien in that moment functions as a reality check for Faber, and a very effective one at that. We're meant to hate him, but also meant to understand that Faber's love for Caleb is not as subtle as he thinks it is in the sense that - omegas can see it for what it is.

I personally like the one moment where we see that Lucien might have a heart when Faber admits his parents are dead, and we can see that he doesn't react with savage satisfaction, but like Faber broke the narrative he'd built for himself in his own insecure, jealous, scared mind.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 13 of Constellations:

‘What’s better here, do you think? Telling Gwyn that you want to try, but that you might be causing yourself pain and you’d appreciate him being sensitive about it if you decide not to eat with him again for a while? Or not telling Gwyn at all, and keeping the potential outcome a secret?’ ‘I don’t know,’ Efnisien said. ‘So far it’s the latter, because I’m not eating around him, and my stomach still plays up. It’s so annoying. Like, I get that I have adhesions and there’s nothing surgeons can do without causing more adhesions, but after all this time…’ He heard himself and sighed heavily, putting his head in his hands. ‘I hate that it all comes back to her. It always goes back to her. And before you talk about my flawed thinking or whatever, just… Just don’t.’ ‘I wasn’t going to do that,’ Mika said. ‘No banter right now, just real talk.’ ‘You’re too old to say “real talk.”’ ‘I know you’re really upset when you come at my age,’ Mika said primly, before softening again. ‘Efnisien, this does come back to her. She tried to kill you. She did so in an extremely agonising way, that has lasting, permanent effects. The surgeons can’t cure the lingering pain and other digestive issues that you have, and you can’t ever truly escape the reminder that she never stopped victimising you. Even right at the end. That’s hard, Efnisien.’ ‘That’s probably how Gwyn feels about the scars I gave him.’ ‘Maybe, maybe not,’ Mika said. ‘This isn’t about what you did to Gwyn right now.’ ‘I know,’ Efnisien said. He was deflecting. He was trying not to “feel his pain” or whatever fucking shit he was doing. Avoidance was his greatest skill, and it was so annoying that everyone wanted him to unpack it all the time.

Except they didn’t. Mika would be fine with it if Efnisien never ate around Gwyn. Gwyn would keep seeing him. Arden wasn’t going to pressure him. They’d all support him not trying to push himself on this. Efnisien dropped a hand to his belly, and thought about Arden calling it a tummy when it was sore. This was all just…fragile.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from today's editing, chapter 93 of Underline the Black:

‘They’re all omegas, aren’t they?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘How did they have someone like James? I didn’t know two omegas could do that.’ ‘It’s rare,’ Gary said. He stretched again and settled, his muscles looser under Efnisien’s fingers. The trust felt really fucking good. Efnisien wanted to do this again. ‘It’s very rare. But it happens. Just like two alphas can have an omega child.’ ‘And she can drive on her own. I know some omegas can drive, but who gave her permission?’ ‘No one,’ Gary said. ‘She has a birth certificate. She’s registered. It’s harder for omegas to do things like that on their own, but it’s possible. They have to go through longer paperwork processes, the tests are unfairly biased against them, but a driving licence is possible. Education is a lot harder. Most of the schools are beta-alpha schools only, and don’t permit any omegas at all. There are stories of omegas who have died for a beta-alpha level education through the use of suppressants.’ ‘Shit. So they can learn university level stuff? Like beta-alpha level?’ Efnisien said “they,” but he almost said “we.” In that moment, he wanted to know what kind of brain he was born with. He knew what the omega theory modules said, but he wanted to hear it from Gary. ‘Of course they can. There’s nothing wrong with their minds,’ Gary said. ‘All studies done in fair and accommodating circumstances show there’s no difference. The biggest issue is bigotry. Omegas are raised in families that don’t always care about their literacy, or getting them past year six or seven at school. That schooling is often done at home, and sometimes the omega isn’t being treated well, or is expected to work as a cleaner, or a cook, or more. So the studies that show omegas fail at university beta-alpha levels have never fully accounted for the biased background. The myth of omegas being unable to think intelligently past a certain level – so they’re more suited to serve their alphas – is because we’ve raised them to be that way.’

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from chapter 8 of Constellations:

‘I think Lludd really hurt him,’ Gwyn said, his voice breaking. ‘I know he body-checked Efnisien sometimes. Like, slammed him into walls by shouldering him really hard. He was such a petty… I once saw him stick his foot out from under the table, and Efnisien tripped and slammed into the counter, jarring his arm really badly.’ ‘Was Crielle there?’ Gwyn nodded. ‘She kind of cooed over him, but she…’ Gwyn frowned at the memory that came to life in his mind. ‘She grabbed his arm where he’d hurt it,’ Gwyn said. ‘He made a noise, like it hurt, but it was- It was like he didn’t want to make it. I thought at the time that she mustn’t have realised where he’d hurt himself because she didn’t move her hand away. But…maybe she did.’ He stared ahead blankly. That was something she’d been willing to do in front of all of them, and Efnisien hadn’t said a word of complaint. He hadn’t even told her to stop. Gwyn felt sick. ‘Maybe she did,’ Chelsea said in agreement. ‘It’s also possible that your father was being careful just how much he was hurting Efnisien around you all, in order to avoid retribution from his wife. Crielle was everyone’s problem, and you all had to navigate her in different ways, and that included Lludd.’ ‘I get so fucking tired of secrets,’ Gwyn said with quiet vehemence.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

Your previous post regarding burnout really resonates with me as I'm currently struggling through a mountain's worth of uni assignments.

I hopeyou're being compassionate to yourself where you can. I know you rely on your writing for income but ould cutting down to working on only 2 or 3 fics instead be a viable solution?

Because longterm I don't think that even your insanely impressive skills can hold up to that kind of pressure.

Maybe if you cut back a little you'll be able to enjoy your hobbies again and rest a little more.

I know that I'm not the only reader that wants you to take care of yourself x

Hi anon,

Firstly, good luck with all those assignments! I do not miss the grind of uni when all the assignments suddenly seem due at the same time and it's like 'oh fuck' and it just...is truly exhausting. Remember to take a break after if you can!

I am trying to be compassionate where I can. Working on expanding my capacity / juice left in the tank is actually a big priority with both therapists this year, and it's something I'm actively chipping away at.

Unfortunately cutting down fics is not really something I can do because it would personally stress me out more to put a lot of things on hiatus like that. Underline the Red is already on hiatus, and The Nascent Diplomat on my end is finished, and I'll take a few months off after that before starting the next installment.

Ideally I will be finishing out some fics that will clear my calendar a bit more over time. For example, A Stain that Won't Dissolve won't last forever, and isn't going to be replaced by anything new (Palmarosa will likely slot into that space and I'll be able to work on it more). Underline the Black will be replaced by Underline the Red, and Blue and Gold will be replaced by Underline the Silver.

Eventually, ideally, I'll be working on a smaller and smaller load until I'm at about 2-4 projects (which is how I used to work). Also quite a few of my projects only update once a month or every few months, and that helps a lot. It's just that I have too many fics where I'm on a more regular schedule (Stain, Palm, Black) and normally I only have one or two fics that are on a more regular schedule, so yeah, I am looking forward to that slowing down!

But putting something on hiatus just makes me feel more burdened and overwhelmed than knowing I'm getting closer and closer to wrapping something up. It's just how my brain works! I am a finisher, and while that's really good for not abandoning projects (which is extremely rare for me and tends to only be very short projects or PWPs which I will turn away from), it's less good when I have too many projects lmao. I've gotten better at holding back (there's three fics I'm dying to write right now, which is an Efnisien/Kadek fic that I've already started but not posted anything of, Silver, and Red).

So yeah, I will be cutting back. I've already started. The Nascent Diplomat is no longer on my schedule, which means for the next 3 months while it's still posting, I don't have to write anything for it. That's lovely because I can still share in that world with no extra labour (it's edited and everything). Likewise, Stain and Black are both in their last act/s now. That's still a lot of chapters for both, but it feels good for me to know that both will likely be finished out this year.

But we are getting there! So yeah the view is to cut down on projects, but organically (by finishing out stories and not replacing every single one with new titles, only some of them) rather than forcefully via hiatuses. I mean obviously if I get too sick I will have to go on hiatus and I've done that before, but so far it's looking like I've written enough chapters ahead (most of May is written) that I can take about 2 weeks off from writing in April, and that will help a great deal as well. :)

Anyway, take care with your assignments too! I do not miss that part of uni at all

[not-poignant]

Sorry if you’ve already been asked this, but when did you know you wanted to tell Efnisien’s story through FFS? What motivated you to show his redemption journey?

Hi hi anon!

Honestly I started thinking about it during the chapter where Efnisien gives the USB to Augus, and Gwyn tries to kill him, and he's just laughing-crying, while knowing that he's going to be murdered in cold-blood by Crielle as a result.

And then I just...spent about 8 months trying not to think about it, because I was certain everyone would hate the story. And then one day I started making a playlist, and then started thinking about it a bit more seriously, and decided 'fuck it' because the idea of Efnisien living a barren, empty life in Hillview, dependent on Gwyn, after his sacrifice, just didn't sit well with me.

I funnily enough did not start out planning on writing a redemption narrative. I knew none of his victims would forgive him for his actions, and that his therapist would never be like 'there there it's okay' about it. For a while I even wondered if Falling Falling Stars would have a bleak, semi-hopeful ending. Just like, 'well it's better than it was but it's still terrible.'

But Dr Gary's a really good therapist so, we ended up on a different track. :D

But yeah no, I wasn't motivated to write a redemption journey, honestly. I was just motivated to write Efnisien's story after Spoils, and then it became what it became. But initially, in those early chapters, it could have become a lot of different things, because I had no real conception of it except that I didn't want to write a redepemption narrative, heh.

Now I don't care that this is what it kind of became, but I do like that it's complex enough that if anyone said 'no way I'm not reading that, he's an abusive asshole' even Efnisien would calmly agree with them and respect their right to feel that way.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from Underline the Black 64:

Augus did come closer, and Efnisien tensed when Augus gently placed an arm around his back and held him in a light embrace. The touch was confusing, and Efnisien had instincts to fight back, to go still, to run, to bite. His breathing sped up.  'Shhh. You've been traumatised, Efnisien. Gary's in an ardolphogen rage, which you might not have encountered before.' Oh no, Efnisien knew all about those. Gwyn used to have them. Maybe that was why the numbness and the nausea felt so familiar.    'Whatever you did was likely one more thing in a list of things that was waiting to set him off,' Augus said, his voice hushed now they were so close. He actually had kind of a nice voice - sinister as fuck, but still...nice. 'We're not going to kill you. We're removing you from Gary's cottage for your safety, and his safety. It might be temporary, it might not, and that part will be difficult, because you've both started the bonding process.' Efnisien shook his head.  'You have,' Augus said firmly. 'I don't like being argued with. Now, I don't know how much you're taking in, at the moment, but I'm going to take you to Temsen's office.' 'Gary's office,' Efnisien whispered.  He saw Augus' slow smile from the corner of his eye. 'I suppose it is. But these days, it's very much Temsen's office. I'm going to take you there, and Temsen is going to decide what to do with you. It won't be murder. Honestly. We're not barbarians. Is that the kind of thing you've been raised to expect from people?'