#because not a single fucking adult in my life wants to actually explain anything to me

[queerpdsys]

i fucking hate being stupid and never having been taught anything

[evilminji]

Dani should Kidnap The Clones.

It's basicly protective custody. Preemptive child services, if you will. NONE of these fuckers out here makin adorable clone baby just cause they want kids!

*kicks down the door to your shady lab* Knock Knock! ITS THE POLICE! *Walker's Shock troopers swarm the place as Dani secures the kids*

Look me in the eyes. You KNOW he'd love an excuse to enforce The Rules on people technically outside his jurisdiction. It's for The Children(tm)! Why, he simply had no CHOICE!

Meanwhile? Dani is shoving all these mal-adjusted Murder Clones into her Lair? Which is? Basicly a Door style Lair she hid inside Danny's Lair for safe keeping. It's shoved behind a vending machine just outside the observatory. And the inside? Goes on for DAYS.

Like national parks and every beautiful beach she ever came across. She smashed together the BEST sights and places she's found in her travels, like a collection. Always adding more. New waterfalls, new noodle shops, new fields of wine grapes. It's... beautiful. Snapshots of every wonderous little thing about Earth, stitched together.

They can't hurt anyone. Can't achieve their "objectives". Are just treated like actual individuals and the children they truely are. Are surrounded by other Clones. So it's NORMAL here. Just? All of it.

But also?

Dani and Dan? Teaming up to make History's Scariest Adoption Agency(TM). Dan runs it. Dan wants to know why EXACTLY you want a kid. Explain yourself to Dan. What are your references? Qualifications. He's doing a home visit to inspect the premises. He BETTER not find any suspicious Labs.

And? It just? Appears out of nowhere. It's powered by Zone Bullshit. One second you're thinking "oh woe is me D:> I will never have a child to fill my lovely home, because of all my Superhero Secrets and also because government bureaucracy!" And the next?

.....wasn't that an out of business taco bell? "Zone Adoptions"?

"....Free Clone Baby?"

Okay that is HIGHLY suspicious and as a hero you are basicly legally obligated to investigate. But now it's bigger on the inside? Fancy waiting room? You are being interrogated? Wait, no, you're supposed to be the one doing the-?

Somehow? You leave with your Clone Son from another Dimension. And a pamphlet. You're scheduled for a home visit in three days. You... you never told them where you live.

Somehow that doesn't seem like it will slow them down.

Did the Fae just Suprise Baby you with a clone baby? Can they DO that? W... what's happening? What days is this? Who ARE YOU PEOPLE?! HUH!?!?

Just? Imagine. IMAGINE. I was gonna say Bruce... but?

Damian.

He finds himself... pondering What Could Have Been. Had his Clones not wanted him dead. Wondering if he could have saved them. If, perhaps, he had found them as infants. Raised them. Could he have given them a good life? Been a good father?

He gets emotional. Fatherly. He's about 14.

Dan's been around Ghosts too long to remember how humans age or how age relates to development. This one TALKS like An Adult. Must be one. Probably just short.

And Damian? Never backs down. The second Dan starts challenging him? His character is flawless and his morals divine. He has never done anything wrong, ever, in his LIFE. Fuck you. And on TOP of that? He not only will be the SINGLE GREATEST FATHER TO EVER FATHER, his home is the most loving and beloved ON THE PLANET!

In entirety of EARTH'S history, no less!

....what are they arguing about?

*is handed a baby and kicked out of Dan's adoption agency*

See you in a few days!

(o.o ) *happy gurgling from the baby* *Damian.exe has stopped working*

Smash cut, after Damian speed runs his stages of grief at his own Dumbass Life Choices, to his rocking back up at the Manor like? Congratulations, Father. I have brought you your first grandson! Do Not ask how I obtained him. It was likely dubiously legal but I will not be returning him. We have bonded.

And just? Annihilating the collective Bats on one go. You did what? You have What?! That is a baby! WHY IS THERE A BABY?! How is there a baby!? WHOS BABY!? *sirens going off and everyone panicking*

Will Damian be allowed to KEEP the Baby? Ha! Hell no. Bruce will. Damian is a child. But it will be a Needlessly Dramatic Bat Cold War Of Dramatic Drama to pry that small cherubic baby from his grip long enough for Bruce to fill out the paperwork.

Child thieving bastard that he is. How dare he. That is Damian's SON! D:<

*happy oblivious baby noises as Alfred feeds him in the background, while the Bats do their Dramatic Custody War*

@hdgnj @babbling-babull @hypewinter @nerdpoe @lolottes @mutable-manifestation

[copperbadge]

Every so often I get an Anon ask where I'm not entirely comfortable responding in public with no cut or warnings ahead of the text -- it's not that anything inappropriate is being said, it's just sometimes the subject matter's a little rough. This is one of those, so I decided to copy and paste it and put it behind a cut; warnings for discussion of abuse and fraught familial situations.

You've spoken about having ADHD before, and i was wondering if you have any links to websites with resources for adults with ADHD that are more than the very generic "stay organised!", "eat healthily!", "avoid distractions!" things? like, something that explains ADHD and WHY getting organised is good, maybe? or how ADHD may intersect with anxiety? my mother finally went to a doctor and got (as i expected) an ADHD diagnosis, but the doctor told her medication wouldn't give her much at this point, which is fine, but she's just kept going as usual for her, which is not.

she has ignored everything i've told her before (like, to think ahead and prioritise, to make plans, to make lists, that she has to be systematic about it, to stay calm because if she has a plan everything should be done on time) but she ignores me. she just starts doing whatever, whenever, and then getting annoyed/anxious that "nothing" is done, and then she starts yelling at me.

i just want her to realise she MUST at least attempt to be organised, and that it's not just for work stuff, it's for everything, including every day stuff like chores. (also, i'd like to stop being yelled at. like, some of my first memories are of getting yelled at. it's been years and years of regular bouts of screaming. now i know it's her and not me, and i'd. like it to stop)

i apologize for the huge ask/rant, but yeah, do you know of any resources that explain the importance of being organised? i think if i show her something 'official' maybe she'll start doing it. or do you have any personal tips for talking to her about it? or a book about someone's experience with ADHD? anything. anything at all.

So there is...much to unpack here, as the kids say, both in terms of what you are asking directly and what you are not asking but what I'm going to address anyway. I don't have any great resources for what you're looking for, because neurodiversity comes in a lot of shapes and sizes even within a single diagnosis, and as you likely know I'm a big proponent of doing-what-works, and that's something a person has to figure out for themselves. A lot of people seem to find ADDitude very relatable and they are informative, but that's probably the best general resource out there to go deeper than surface, and a good place for her to start reading if she wants to.

But the real problem, Anon, is that she's never going to listen to you.

That seems like a real bold statement, but it is also extremely likely to be true. Most people who get a diagnosis start to work on themselves and learn more about their unique neurology; it's clear she's not going to do that, and you can't make her. I'm sure some of it is that she's been told her entire life, by people with much more power over her than you, to do those things: be organized, make lists, have a plan. They are the hardest things for people with ADHD to do, and she can't simply whip herself through them, and so she learned long ago to ignore anyone saying anything about it. Medication could help with that a lot, actually, so your mother's doctor really fucked you both by telling her it wouldn't do anything for her; whether she's taken that as permission to ignore the problem or whether she just believed him, he did a really shitty thing in doing that.

Your mother is neurologically incapable of forcing herself to do many things that neurotypical people find easy. There are workarounds, yes; some of us do extremely well if we decide that EVERYTHING has to be planned, and behave accordingly. Some of us find stopgaps. But that has to be a decision she makes, to find workarounds for herself. It's not something you can offer her with helpful websites or books, because she is also likely very deep in shame about it, to judge from her other behaviors. That's not your fault, which means it's also not your job to fix it.

And here's the other problem: you are in an abusive home situation where your mother is taking out her frustration with her mental illness by hurting you.

And that really really sucks and I'm really, really sorry. But the screaming-at-you, which absolutely should not be happening, is a result of decades of frustration at the world that won't accommodate her, combined with an inability to regulate her emotions. Unless she is medicated or learns better regulation or at least picks a different target, it's not going to stop. That's not your fault either. Some of it isn't even her fault. (Some of it is; mental illness is not our choice but it is our responsibility, and she is not behaving as either an adult or a parent should in abusing you because she can't find somewhere else to put all her emotions.)

Presumably you are either too young to leave or can't afford to, but the best possible thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as you can, sever yourself from her financially, and then decide what level of interaction you want with her going forward. Honestly, may be the best thing for her as well, to realize that if she doesn't make a change, she will lose access to her child.

I realize that is almost certainly not immediately possible, however. Do not leave if you are going to a less safe situation, either. Be smart and strategic -- make your plans and prepare as much as possible ahead of time.

"So in the meantime, Sam, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

Bearing in mind that we are going to assume you cannot help your mother, as she either doesn't want help or is in denial or both, the best thing you can do if you can't get out is to shore yourself up: remind yourself as regularly as possible that none of this is your fault, and do your best to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. IE, if she's not organized enough to buy groceries or cook, do what you can to make sure you are regularly fed -- do not concern yourself with whether she eats. That's her responsibility, she's a grownup. If you are likely to be yelled at for this -- well, she was always going to yell at you about something; it might as well be as a result of you caring for yourself first. As much as you can, spend time away from her if possible.

Given her past behavior, especially if you are an only child or oldest sibling, you may already be de-facto head of household; this may be simply a process of assuming actively that she can't fulfill that role, and doing what you can to care for yourself and any siblings. If you have other family who understand the situation, I strongly suggest tapping them for help. As much as you can, reach out to adults in your life you trust, and get their help in caring for yourself and your family without needing to depend on her for support.

I don't wish to stigmatize mental illness or addiction but living with someone in denial about the impact of their mental health on those around them is exactly like living with an addict: the best strategy is to expect nothing from them, remind yourself often that you are not to blame for this situation, look out for yourself first and foremost, and get out once you can. I'm really sorry it has to be that way, because it shouldn't be. But I'm concerned with you, not with her, and if you want to build a better life for yourself, it's going to have to be one that doesn't depend on you being able to change someone else.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of books for you about that, either. I wish you all the luck -- you shouldn't need it, but unfortunately sometimes we still do.

[everythingmp3]

my angel, my sin

adult!Van x fem!reader

after nearly three decades of being together, Van has accepted that things aren’t going to change for her and Tai, resigned to the fact that there is no point in fighting their doomed fate. that is until she meets you.

authors note: I did something a little different with this one bc I wanted to explore a taivan fail marriage (love them both but they would be insane as wives) and what might happen if someone else entered the picture, so there’s a good amount of plot. also I’ll be real, I was kinda into the idea of pillow princess Van while writing this, so yeah. I really hope you like it <3

warnings: minors dni. infidelity, smut (oral, reader giving)

word count: 10k

there is safety in a cage. there is safety in being locked in, being constrained and unfree in your movement, there is a convenient lack of choice and no need for bravery when you submit to your circumstances, when you let the days pass you by without changing a single thing, without breaking out of what is known to you, without ever fighting for more. 

something along those lines was a way of explaining why Tai and Van had stayed together for over 25 years, even when they were close to going insane together.

after getting rescued and eventually starting college, there had been numerous discussions about breaking up, about moving on, they had tried “taking a break” but it was only a matter of weeks until they got back together, slightly ashamed of their inability to live as “Tai” and “Van” instead of “Tai and Van”. it was physical, the terror they felt when they were separated, they had spent about 19 months attached at the hip, literally tied together in their sleep, so once they were free to be out in the world on their own, free to explore their desires and fantasies, everything in them told them that it was too dangerous, to sever the bond that had kept them alive out there. their relationship had been a central part of their survival, so it would have required a strength that neither of them possessed at the time: to brave through both severe and ptsd and the deep pain that their separation would have come with.

the first few years were fine, good even, they were long-distance during college, which gave them a decent amount of independence, it made it easy to avoid fights, to focus on the beautiful parts of their relationship, but once they both graduated, there was no reason not to move in together, so they did, quickly aware of just how different their ideas of a good life were, making compromises left and right that always left a bitter taste, that made them wish they could have just had the guts to go out and find new partners, ones that they could actually see eye to eye with. they married in their early thirties, once everyone around them started doing it, because not getting married would have been an admission, it would have signaled that there was a part of them that was not entirely enthusiastic about the word “forever” and if Tai and Van were one thing, it was stubborn, so they tied the knot, a fucked up irony to that symbol that did not escape them.

their stubbornness was apparent in the shared refusal to show weakness, to admit that they were unsatisfied, to throw the towel and say “I can´t do this anymore, I´m leaving”, to just be honest with each other and say it: that they were tired and needed more from life, from love, from everything. neither of them were to blame and both of them were, so naturally, they ran in circles during every single argument, never reaching any kind of resolution. 

their deep codependency and complete lack of identity outside of their union made it so that they powered through many years of marriage without giving into the idea of “maybe, just maybe, we could try being friends while we figure out who were are on our own?”. it sounded so simple in theory but it was anything but that in practice, the plain truth of it was that they were scared, even at that age, even thought over ten years had passed, there was still that deep fear that struck them at their core whenever they imagined living on their own and the thing that made it even worse was that nobody understood their unique situation because no other married couple had the baggage of having lived through horrors in the woods together as teenage girls. nobody else could have given them advice that  they´d considered helpful because nobody was able to understand just how riddled with hyper-complex feelings their relationship was. there was no example for them to follow, no couple to ask for guidance, so over time, they truly felt like they were stuck with each other in a sphere that nobody else could reach, not unlike some of the feelings they’d had in the woods, and it made a nasty resentment fester in each of them, that feeling of entrapment, of seeing no way out. it wore them out, the constant awareness that true loving companionship was not supposed to feel like bone-crushing work.

they did have their good moments, even amidst all the chaos, even twenty years in, every once in a while they spent a Sunday morning having a late breakfast, joking around laughing the way exact way they had when they were girls, sometimes they still watched films together and made snarky comments all the way through, every once in a while they found themselves in the dark, reaching for each other, not talking about it the next day, the way they´d clung to each other in the night, the way they´d monetarily slipped back into the familiar rhythm of their intimacy. still, over the years those moments had gotten less and less frequent. once they reached 40, they thought it might be time to be mature about it and try couple´s therapy, but one awful session was enough for them to vow to never return, leaving their therapist with a migraine and themselves with even more frustration to swallow. 

at that point in their life they were tired of fighting, they were tired of the drama and tired of the mess, so they fell into a routine, one where they were cordial with each other, one that was closer to a roommate situation than a marriage situation. sometimes a routine like that works so well, so neatly, so perfectly, that it eventually leads to a quiet death of the soul, unless there is a sudden shift, a rupture. 

in Van´s case, you were that rupture. 

during your first year of college, you´d gotten lucky enough to find a group of friends that were looking for a new roommate in a house that was situated in one of the nicer parts of town, a residential area that students usually couldn´t afford, one of them had family in real estate, so you took her up on the generous offer and moved in that fall. 

you´d never been the type to to spend much time talking to neighbors, but once you were aware that you lived next to a married lesbian couple, your interest was piqued. your roomates told you that they mostly talked to Van because Tai was sort of a workaholic, something about politics, which meant that you weren´t surprised when you ran into Van on her own shortly after you moved in, an evening where you both happened to come home at the same time. 

in your memory, those first few minutes of getting to know each other hadn´t been anything extraordinary. you told her what you were doing in college, she told you about her job, you exchanged a few basic facts about yourselves, nothing too exciting, but in her memory, that had already been the beginning of what was inevitably going to happen down the line. you hadn´t been aware of this but she´d had a rough day and the way you talked to her was different from the way other strangers usually did: you never broke eye contact, you gave her your full undivided attention even though you were just doing a bit of small-talk, a sweet smile and bright eyes as you listened to her, and to someone as lonely and starved for connection as Van was at that time, having someone´s full attention like that was nothing short of exhilarating. you left that interaction wanting to know much more about her, she seemed intriguing, slightly mysterious to you, something told you that there was a lot behind those eyes, and on a surface level, she was also strikingly attractive, so you found yourself hoping it wouldn´t stay at that brief encounter with her. 

neither of you had the words for it at the time, but there was an instant feeling of familiarity between you during your initial few run-ins, an ease when you laughed about something that the other person said, an honesty to your exchange that felt refreshing, like you didn´t have to to polite chit-chat but could actually put your cards on the table and be real, which made it impossible not to seek each other out again.

Van worked from home a few days a week and you only had about 10 contact hours at uni, so naturally, you saw each other again and again the following weeks, each time a little too excited, a little too eager, a little too willing to brave through wind and weather just to stay outside and talk for a while longer. one time your roommate saw you standing there and asked you when you came in what you´d been discussing with her, and you couldn´t for the life of you summarize the amount of topics you´d quickly switched between, the natural flow of your exchange that reminded you of the way you talked with close friends. 

without even realizing, your conversations turned from being a few minutes long into being fifteen minutes long, to half an hour of standing in the driveway and forgetting about the time, you chastising her for calling herself a film expert without ever having seen any of the cult classics released after the year 2000, telling her which ones to catch up on asap, which was a welcome excuse for her to start another conversation with you once she´d seen them and could tell you all of her thoughts. part of the appeal of talking to you was that you were so willing to spill details about your life to her: petty grievances you had with some of your professors, drama you´d overheard in the living room the night before, frustrating phone calls with your parents she could sympathize with as someone who’d had a fair amount of fights with her mother as a student. she loved having her mind taken off her own issues by listening to you, your funny way of putting certain things, your youthfulness, it brought out a humor in her that she´d thought of as long lost, and it charmed you, the fact that she was able to keep up, that she knew how to make you laugh, genuinely. 

she knew that she was getting herself into trouble during those weeks, she knew it, whenever you sat down with her on their front porch for a moment, whenever she felt a sting of jealousy at the mention of a girl in your life, or caught a glimpse of you sunbathing in the garden from their bedroom window, she could feel it, something way too intense bubbling beneath the surface, a pull towards you that was getting harder and harder to fight back against.

you didn´t know this but there was one specific reason why she could not stop thinking about you, why she was haunted by all of your interactions: your way of toeing the line between a tone that could be interpreted as both friendly or flirty. you hit the mark right in the middle, every single time, you were subtle with your flirting, and it made her turn the things you said to her and how you said them over in her head many times, part of her thinking “don´t be so self-absorbed, she´s just being kind” another part of her thinking “don´t be so oblivious, she clearly has a thing for you”.

during those first weeks of knowing each other you never exchanged numbers, so it became a guessing game of sorts, when you´d see each other, when you´d talk again, and somehow, the unpredictable nature of your encounters made them more thrilling, made it easier to long for more whenever you went a whole week not seeing each other, and it made both of you painfully aware of how much more you wanted, how desperately you wished you could just invite each other over, but you knew how suspicious that would have looked, the married woman inviting the young neighbor over, to “hang out”. perhaps it wouldn´t have been that big of a deal, perhaps nobody would have thought twice about it, but your shared hesitation gave away that you both knew where things would lead if you were left alone in a room for too long. 

one specific evening, the inevitable happened.

one of your roomates was out of town and the two others were out for dinner. around 9 pm you stepped outside for a moment to take out the trash and because you weren´t used to being the only person at home, you forgot to take your keys with you and the wind made the front door slam shut, leaving you locked out. you didn´t have your phone on you either, so you were left with two options: staying outside and sitting on the steps of the house until your roommates came back later that night, or asking a kind neighbor if they´d let you stay for an hour or so.

naturally, you chose the latter and there was an obvious answer as to which neighbor you would ask. it was a little calculated on your part because you knew that that was maybe your one chance of getting into their house with a clear excuse, a motif that hid your other, less innocent motif for wanting to be let into Van´s personal space. there was no way of turning you away in a situation like that, so once she opened the door and you told her about it, standing there in your loungewear, your face soft in the bit of remaining natural light, she knew she was playing with fire by telling you yes, but she couldn´t help it, it was too late, she´d have said yes to anything you wanted from her, she felt a sharp awareness of it as you walked inside and followed her to the living room, that there was nothing she would deny you if you just asked her for it, and deep down, beneath the part of her that said “no, don´t do it”, there was a much larger part that was glad that you´d come to her, that said “when was the last time you felt this alive? imagine what it would feel like, to give into her?”. 

Van led you to the living room and told you to sit and get comfortable as she got you a drink from the open kitchen, connected to the large living space, where she´d already made herself one, throwing out the fact that Tai was out of town for a conference, which was why she was home alone. the relief you felt when she said that was way too strong, and you didn´t mask it well, she caught it in your gaze as she sat down next to you, your sudden air of giddiness. you kept a safe distance between each other, but not enough to be unaware of the palpable tension, a moment of silence as you both tried to act normal, tried to find a casual way to talk to each other, while feeling your hearts beating of your chests just from sitting there together.

thankfully, the initial awkwardness subsided within minutes, you quickly fell back into your dynamic, one that was built on humor but also trust, over the weeks you´d been something like confidants to each other, enjoying the kind of honesty that was made easy by the fact that your lives were completely separate, that you had no way of spilling each other’s secrets to someone that the other person knew. neither of you ever explicitly acknowledged it but it was clear that you were both lonely in your own ways and that your connection was a way to escape that feeling.

the atmosphere of the room was nice at that hour, a few candles burning, a dim light form an expensive looking lamp in the corner of the room, a peaceful silence, the kind of atmosphere that turns conversations more intimate and personal, so you found yourselves spilling more and more about your personal lives as you kept drinking and losing your filter, absentmindedly touching each other at times, a pat on the shoulder, a touch on the arm, a thrill each time, one that made you both want more, pushing the limit of how long you could rest your hand on the other person each time. 

you´d picked up on it before, that Van hardly ever mentioned Tai, and that when she did, it was always with a slightly pained tone, “my wife” never said with much affection, so it wasn´t a secret, that they were not doing too well as a couple. that night Van told you a bit more, since she felt seen and heard by you and appreciated the fact that you never looked at her with pity, that you had a way of making off-hand jokes in the exact right moments to get her out of her spiraling thoughts. 

from what she told you, you got the sense that neither of them were truly awful people to be with romantically, that neither of them were truly intentionally hurting the other, but that they´d just gotten tangled up in a mess that was so hard to get out of after all that time that staying in it was simply the less exhausting option. at one point that night she slipped up and straight up told you “she actually cheated on me. with someone at work for a few months last year. or maybe she lied and it’s still going on, I don´t fucking know”,  that sudden confession smacked you across the face, so you just stared at her, uttering something like “oh.. I´m sorry” as she looked at you, a fragility to her expression as she continued, “and the worst thing was that I wasn´t even angry or shocked because it was so fucking obvious to me, that that would happen in our relationship eventually”, “infidelity?” you asked, which she nodded at, “yes. it was always going to happen, so in a way I didn´t even blame her because it felt so inevitable. sorry I shouldn´t  be telling you all of this, I´ll stop”. 

what you asked her next was intentional, it was not subtle at all and you knew it, but each passing moment you felt yourself growing more and more eager to touch her, so you just said it, “have you ever considered t it? cheating on her too?”. she looked at you for what felt like ages, you held her gaze, moving a little closer instinctively, holding eye-contact. Van could have answered in many ways, and chose the single worst possible response, full, uncensored honesty: “I´m considering it right now.”, her voice unwavering, her gaze back where it had been drawn way too many times already that night: your lips.

the second you processed what she´d just said, your whole body burned up, your face flushed, your breathing quickened, it came crashing over you in full force, the rush of her confession, her want out in the open. there was nothing left to say, there was no other possible response you could have given her then but to move closer to her, waiting as she reached up and touched your cheek, her lips parted in anticipation, your faces barely inches apart, until you were the one to break the last barrier, your hand on her neck to pull her into a deep kiss.

the thing that was most telling about your need for each other was that you did not pull away and wait for a reaction, from the moment your lips touched you lost all shame and kept going and going, adjusting your positions on the couch, your leg over hers, half on her lap as you both grabbed each other, tearing at each other´s clothes, panting and sighing between kisses, desperate and needy, not dignified at all in the way you got all over each other, a sloppiness to your kissing that turned sexual very quickly, touching tongues and moaning into each other´s open mouths, trying to get some sort of friction from moving your legs apart so the other could push their knee in there, a violent release of all the tension that had built up before, about 15 minutes of making out and moving against each other like that until you eventually lost your breaths and pulled away, hot and red and completely out of it, smoothing down your hair and pulling your previously discarded shirts back on as you mumbled “sorry, I´m so sorry” at least five times, unsure how to possibly move on from what had just gone down. instead of trying to find words, trying to talk about it, you hastily suggested that you should probably leave her be, since your roomates should have probably been back by then, which she agreed to, still breathing heavy and as she saw you to the door.

before you went back to your house, you both stood there at the threshold, telling yourselves that it was just a moment of weakness, that it had gotten late and that you were drunk and that you could forget all about it, you reassured each other that it was a one-time thing, nothing to lose sleep over, but of course, it wouldn´t stay at that, you both knew while saying all those things that it was complete bullshit, that you´d barely drank two glasses and definitely did not feel sorry, and definitely did not want to forget about it.  

after you left, she sat down on the staircase, head in her hands, trying to pretend that she felt guilty, trying to make herself feel bad, but only able to focus on the feeling the burn of her skin where you´d kissed her, clinging to it, the heavenly sensation of you being all hers.

the next day you woke up with an ache for her touch that you tried your best to ignore, busying yourself with cooking an elaborate dish, doing coursework, listening to music, cleaning up around the house, but by 5 pm you were done with your to-do list and had no plans to go out with friends, so you laid down and tried to take a nap because the time simply would not pass, minute after minute, dragged out by your excruciating desire to go over to her again, so around 6 pm you could not stand it anymore and accepted your culpability as you left your house to go over and follow your selfish instinct to have her again. 

the moment Van opened the door, she smiled at you in a way that said “I knew this would happen”, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed as she looked you for a moment, taking in the sight of you before asking “locked yourself out again, hm?”, which made you smile too then, a shake of your head, a shared feeling of “what the fuck are we doing here.” as you stared at each other, unable to pretend that you felt anything but joy when she said “come in”.

the next few hours turned into a feverish haze of desire, you lost track of time entirely as you continued where you´d left off the night before, frantically undressing in the hallway before landing on the couch again, hands eagerly exploring the spots of your bodies that you hadn´t gotten to the night before. 

that evening she became addicted to you, to a degree that was beyond what she´d expected, because you read her so well that she didn´t even have to muster up the courage to ask you for what she really wanted. a few minutes into making out and caressing each other, you moved down to her legs, and for a moment it seemed like a dream to her, too good to be true, that you were doing the exact thing she´d been dying for; each time she´d imagined being with you, she hadn´t imagined fucking you but being fucked by you. the one thing that got her to finish while masturbating those days was the thought of you between her thighs, but she had not expected that you were into it, her assumption was that most younger girls would probably want her to take charge and fuck them and she would´ve done it, gladly, but the fact that you were so eager to give, to please, your lips soft on her skin as you kissed your way down her body, it made her yours, entirely. that night you switched between making out, having sex, and talking for about 3 hours until you were spent and exhausted and laughed about how beyond help you were, how you could already see it playing out, your impending affair. 

the thing that Van told you as you laid together, absentmindedly tracing the outline of each other´s exposed bodies, was that her and Tai did still have sex every once in a while, but only ever after fights. it was always an extension of their struggle for power, always rushed and aggressive, forcing orgasms out of each other so quickly that it hurt, that it felt more like a punishment than anything else, never an expression of love or of true desire, always a tool for dominance. so even though Van was not much of a top, over the years she´d started fucking Tai after particularly nasty fights, to regain the upper hand, and it always left her feeling horrible afterwards, ashamed and sad. 

some people were really into hate sex but Van had never been one of them, to truly be satisfied during sex she needed it to be sensual and passionate, she was not the type for degrading or brutal stuff, sometimes a hint of it maybe, but most of the time what she truly wanted out of intimacy was to be lovingly opened up by someone, to be tended to and worshiped, to turn soft and vulnerable in someone's hands. she loved slow kissing during sex, she loved taking her time and finishing only a good while into it, and most of all she loved being eaten out. penetration was good in certain moments for her, she did enjoy it when you kept your tongue on her while adding pressure with your fingers, but nothing pleased her more than the simple act of getting head, preferably multiple times with breaks in between, which is what ended up happening most times you were over at their place. she´d stopped letting Tai do it for her because she quite literally did not want to open up for her like that, couldn´t bear the vulnerability of it, so with you, she rediscovered the side of her that she´d tried to ignore, her deep need to submit to someone sexually, to give up control and be pleased without worrying about being perceived as weak. 

it was not that she did not enjoy pleasuring you too, sometimes when you seemed a little too satisfied with yourself after you´d made her cum twice in a row, she pushed you down and held you in place to finish you off too, sucking on your neck, on your tits while making you cum against her hand, proving to you that she was very much capable of also turning you into a whining mess, the way you usually turned her into one. sometimes you tried different things, one time she begged you to let her watch you jerk off which turned into her doing the same thing next to you, a few times you were both so in heat that you just rubbed up against each other in various ways, deeply pleased by the sight of the other person’s head falling back, the feeling of your hips moving in unison.

and yet, the one thing that made you both feel electrified the most was when you did what you´d done to her that first time you´d had sex: giving her head until she was too weak to speak, to do anything but lay there and submit to her bodies intense response to you. 

the contrast was unbearably hot to you: her tough exterior, her nonchalant and stoic aura, that melted away in an instant each time you touched her, replaced by a sensitivity and softness that drove you crazy, that made you feel protective over her in some way. on your part it also had something to do with pride, there was no way of denying it, that you got a taste for it very quickly, the unique power you had over her, the knowledge that you and you alone were giving her what she really needed, the fact that she seemed to be physically incapable of staying away from you for more than a few days. you were addicted to it the same way she was, haunted by her moans and words of praise, the way she sighed your name, the way her legs felt smooth against your face, her taste, all of it.

it wasn´t just emotional for her, for you it was also shifting things, your collision. for a good while you´d felt like you were just floating around, going from place to place without being truly tethered to anyone or anything, friendships that were fun but never that deep, no truly fulfilling romantic encounters, so the feeling of being needed on a visceral level, being a central part of someone´s life, being physically indispensable, it gave you a sense of purpose. you knew that it might have sounded absurd to others, describing fucking someone else’s wife like that, but it was true, it was giving you something that you´d been lacking, that you´d been craving. 

the affair had its own rhythm that you fell into those weeks after you first got together, there was no way you could sneak her over to your place, with at least one of your roommates always being home, so their house was the place to meet up, and Van was careless enough to invite you over whenever Tai was working late or out at some politicians dinner party, other people might have waited until their partner was out of town, to be 100% sure that they could not be caught, but Van was too desperate for you to wait that long in between, she told herself that she could always get dressed in a hurry if she randomly heard the front door unlocking while you were there, but lucky for the both of you, it never came to that.

about a month into it, you broke the news that you´d go on a seven day trip with your friends, which would mean that you´d be separated for way longer than you were used to, since those early days of the affair, you saw each other at least four times a week, sometimes more if you both happened to be home at the same time during the afternoon or on a day off.

you were both not thrilled about spending those days apart, but part of you also felt a sense of excitement over the fact that it meant that your need had time to grow, that your next time of seeing each other would be intense and even more desperate than usual.

Van realized when you told her just how lost she had gotten in her feelings for you because for a second she felt genuine terror at the thought of not seeing you for that long, you´d made her experience a sort of sexual renaissance, you´d woken her body up again; for years Van had suppressed her needs, which had mostly been drowned out by her depressive moods anyway, so it could not have been overstated, how life changing it was to finally be connected to her desires and her body again, to feel free in her expression of her sexuality, to be taken care of by you, since it was not just about the sex itself, it had slowly started bleeding into other areas of her life too, the feeling of autonomy, the feeling of vitality, something about your connection had brought her back to life, so she tried her best to keep her separation anxiety at bay. 

after seven long days, most of which she´d spent working over-time or going outside as much as she could to try and remain somewhat sane, she finally got the text telling her that you were back home and would come over once you were done unpacking and eating dinner. 

the moment she closed the door behind you later that night, you couldn´t even finish the sentence “you look good” because you immediately felt her hands on your face, her lips finding yours with a force that made you stumble back against the wall, bracing yourself as you smiled into the kiss and returned the energy, more than willing to save your words for later.

what you didn´t know was that she´d spent a better part of the week thinking about you, to a degree that was bordering on the obsessive, it was slowly but surely driving her mad; you showed up in her dreams, she woke up hot and frustrated more than once after feeling you close in her sleep, she regularly zoned out while trying to get work done, Tai had to repeat herself more around her because her mind was always with you, the way you looked at her,  the way you ran your fingers through her hair while kissing, the feeling of your bare leg pressed against hers, her hand on your thigh when you got hot and heavy, your nails digging into her flesh as you held her in place, every little detail was burned into her mind and the constant flashbacks were killing her, so naturally, the moment you were finally in front of her again, it all came bubbling up, and you could tell from the way she kissed you: she was fucking starving. 

after you both pulled away to catch some air she sighed, “jesus christ, you smell so fucking good”, while remaining barely an inch from your face. lucky for her, you´d gotten out oft the shower about fifteen minutes before coming over, so your skin was freshly lotioned, soft to the touch and and giving off a fresh scent that was sure to haunt her the coming days, she breathed in as deeply as possible, a shiver down her spine, a feverish adoration for you gnawing at her sanity as her hands wandered all over you.

“you´re not seeing anyone, are you?” she made sure, so you shook your head, wondering why she asked in that specific moment until you felt her eager lips on your neck and knew exactly why: she´d made sure that she could do whatever she wanted to you without worrying about marks or bruises, and you were happy in your passivity, pinned against the wall as you felt her tongue on the side of your neck, her teeth ever so lightly digging in, clearly lost in her need to taste you, to devour you, and if she hadn´t been careful she might have actually hurt you but you were glad to be wanted that violently, her hands rough under your shirt, on your chest, squeezing your tits hard enough to leave them shades of pink and red where her fingertips pressed down, drawing out increasingly loud sounds from you until she finally let go and faced you again, her lips swollen, her face flushed, an intensity to her gaze that was close to something animalistic as she kept feeling you up, making a satisfied humming sound, you smiled then as you placed your hands on her back.

“well you´re high energy, considering the hour”, she nodded, briefly wiping her mouth, “yeah, I just..”, she was beyond words, so you pulled her closer, your, tilting your head, a tenderness to your gaze as you asked, “should I help you relax? wind down a little?”. of course you knew that that was why she wanted you over, still, you liked hearing her say it, begging for it, “yes, please”. “you really missed me, hm?”, a smugness to your expression that got to her, she liked being being teased by you, it made her feel weak in a delicious way, “you have no fucking idea”, she uttered as she pulled you down the hallway, her hand firm around yours, almost ripping you forward because she was so impatient, leading you to the couch, your preferred place to hook up because fucking in their bed did seem a little too shameless, and besides, their couch was large and luxurious enough to feel like a bed anyway. 

there was no need to pretend or waste time, so she pulled down her jeans and took her place, getting comfortable as you got down on your knees in front of her, moving between her legs and brushing your cheek against her inner thigh for a moment, looking up at her with innocent eyes, a docility to your demeanor that almost killed her then. she usually only took her pants off by herself because she liked the ritual of you ripping down her underwear, so you did, freeing her of it in one determined motion, placing your hands flat on her freckled thighs after, caressing them as you leaned forward, drawing it out to have her right where you wanted her.

Van seemed even more desperate than usual, you could tell from her heavy breathing, from the faint whimpering sound, that she´d been dying to have you back all week, that she´d probably tried and failed to be satisfied with touching herself to the memory of you, it was a little cruel of you to draw it out, you could hear her whispering a soft “please..” as she leaned back and waited, burning up from the sensation of your fingers trailing her skin, so you finally put her out of her misery and kissed your way up her thigh to where she needed you, a gasp of relief as you put your lips to her cunt and ran your tongue over the familiar sensation of her arousal, warm and slick, a broad stroke of your tongue, a humm of pleasure, savoring her taste before diving in, your hands firm on her thighs as you pulled her forward a little to have her right in your face, no worry about air flow as you buried yourself in her.

you´d gotten to know her body well enough by that point to have the exact rhythm and speed that she needed from you figured out, and you used it to your advantage, mercilessly, moving your tongue up and down between her folds in a sloppy intense manner that bordered on making out with her cunt, and it had her whining within seconds, her hands in your hair, roughly tugging at it as she praised “that´s it, baby, keep going”, she knew it was pretty shameless, to use pet names when you weren´t her “baby”, not her anything, but during sex she couldn´t help it, she was just too into you, and you didn´t mind, it felt good to be claimed like that, even just for a moment.

she struggled hard with keeping her legs still, so you held them in place as best as you could while feeling her rock against your mouth, your chin mouth glistening with her juices, drunk on the feeling of her slick heat against yours lips, the heavenly sensation of hearing her panting and moaning for more, her hips moving with the rhythm of your tongue, the brief vision of her head thrown back, her throat exposed, her glowing hair against her pale skin as you glanced up from below, you could feel yourself growing wet from it, the utter thrill of having her at your mercy like that.

Van eventually grew so erratic and dizzy with lust that she held onto your face, harder than usual, as she abandoned all shame as she pushed your head forward, grinding herself against you, using you in a way, which you submitted to in an instant, holding your tongue in place as she basically rode your face, brushing up against your nose with her clit in a way that made her lose her last bit of composure, her sounds closer to cries then as she felt the pleasurable ache at her core deepening and deepening each passing second, “you feel so fucking good”, she breathed, overcome with affection for you, your way of giving her exactly what she needed and more, your selflessness when it came to intimacy, when it came to her desires.

she could only keep up her aggressive claiming of your face for so long, after a few minutes of perverse, nearly pornographic sounds from both of you as you got lost in the aggressive heat, her hips became sore, a needy cry from her that signaled to you that you should take charge again, so you pushed her back into the couch cushion and slowed it down, urging her “breathe, I´ve got you” deep, intense strokes of your tongue, deliberate and sensual licks that were a sweet contrast to her messy, fast movements before, a satisfied sigh from her, followed by “god, don´t stop”, as you kept going, never letting up, never interrupting the flow of intense arousal that was filling her head to toe, a warmth that was unparalleled, burning through her heart, her soul, her whole being, submitting to you was her way of experiencing revelation. 

you spent a good while like that, feeling her stroke your hair in encouragement as you let her get worked up to the point that she needed to get to, in order to really cum as hard she wanted to, so eventually, once you felt her growing restless, you did the final thing you knew would push her over the edge, your tongue focused solely on her most sensitive spot, flicking over it again and again as you forced her weak legs open to have enough space, suckling on her clit with a low hum of pleasure, which was the thing that made her feel that sudden violent wave of heat at her core, helpless mumbling and cursing under her breath as you drew out her orgasm, the shuddering kind, the kind that´s full body, all consuming and satisfying to a degree that no rushed jerking off could ever compete with, it was the thing that made her crave you, your touch, your mouth, the way you made her cum without rushing her or forcing it out of her, each time you went down on her she knew you´d let her take as long as she needed, you´d keep your face between her legs for hours if she wanted, so in that moment, she felt nothing but pure bliss as she finished against your mouth, her hips still jerking up in slower intervals as you let her ride it out, your lips still on her, leaving light kisses on the mess you´d made as she let go of your head, a barely audible “fuck..” as she went slack, a comfortable silence while you looked up at her, drinking in the sight of her all flushed and blissed out, her eyes shut, her lips parted,  her chest rising and falling, a pat of her hand next to her on the couch, a signal for you to come up and join her. 

once you got down next to her you moved closer and felt her reaching for your hand as she turned her face and smiled at you, slightly shy in the wake of her vocal climax, “I like when you get like that”, you mused, gently touching her arm, “oh really?”, she asked, a tired smile, eyeing you from the side, slowly coming back to her senses. “yeah.  it´s hot when you hold me in place, use me”, she squeezed your hand then, grinning, a flicker of surprise in her eyes, “okay I see. I´ll keep that in mind” a pause before she added, “I really don´t deserve you, huh?” meaning it, she’d felt slightly guilty for unleashing her desperation onto you like that, and there you were, telling her it was a turn on. “you know, you should ride me face sometime. like actually sit on me”, that comment got a blush out of her, she shook her head and protested but deep down she knew she´d probably take you up on it, it made her feel a lingering heat at her core, to imagine you under her like that, your pretty face, all hers.

“god I don´t know what the fuck is going on with me..” she admitted, shaking her head, still high on endorphins, a sympathetic pat on her shoulder from you then, deeply pleased by your effect on her. “am I messing with your head?”, you joked, but she didn´t laugh, she just nodded, “you are, yes. I like you so much.” it came out more sincere than she intended, so you went quiet for a moment, letting the words settle, leaning your head against the cushion while staring at her, waiting for her to look at you, which she did, brushing a stand of hair out of your face, a gentle swipe of her thumb over your lower lip before leaning in and giving you a kiss, a tender one, unlike before, the kind of kiss where you just leave your lips pressed against together for a moment, followed up by a few minutes of soft, slow making out. 

eventually, Van reached down to put on her underwear again before walking over to the kitchen behind you to get you both a glass of water, handing it to you once she sat back down and paid closer attention to you than before, looking right at you as she said, “I just realized I haven´t asked you a single fucking thing about your week yet, I´m a horrible host”, you smiled, “no worries, not much to tell anyway, it was just a nice getaway, no juicy stories”, she smiled, looking at you with unconcealed affection,“still, how are you, really?”. it was clear that she was actually interested, invested in your life, your state of mind. you thought about it as she drank up and put the glass down, her hands free to touch you again, resting on your legs as you spoke. “oh I´m good, just a bit tired from the flight, but other than that, I´m great right now”, emphasis on the last words to make it clear that it had to do with her, she nodded, “well, I feel kinda bad now, calling you over here when you´re already exhausted. you should probably be sleeping right now, hm?”, you shook your head, “oh no, I´ll take this over sleep, any time”.

Van glanced down for a moment and noticed the slight bruising on your knees, which had appeared because the floor right below the couch was not covered by carpet.“jesus I´m sorry..” she said, inspecting it closer, “oh no need to apologize, I don´t mind.” she gently traced the red skin, mostly out of concern, but deep down she was also satisfied by the sight, proof of your submission to her needs, deep down she´d always had a thing for women on their knees, something about worship, something about devotion, her hand wandered up your thigh eventually, her voice low as she said, “I do feel a little guilty sometimes though. you´re so sweet and I treat you.. well not the way you deserve. you should be out on a date or something” for a moment Van genuinely felt a sense of shame over her greed for you, the impact she was quite literally leaving on your body without being able to give you much more than a few nights a week, in secret. 

“I´m not doing you a favor, Van. I wouldn´t keep coming back here if it didn´t give me what I need too”, she looked back up at you again,“it does?”, she knew of course that you were into her, but it wasn´t easy for her to believe that being of service to her was that pleasing to you. “yes, I´d be pretty devastated if this ended right now” you insisted. she moved her hand to your neck, her eyes trailing down to that space above your collarbone that she wanted to kiss again, “you know that that´s kind of hard to believe for me, right?”, you were amused by her inability to see just how deep your attraction to her was because to you it was so obvious, “well, not to be too forward but your body feels really good and you sound hot. and that´s more than enough to get me off”, she shook her head, “okay stop”, you liked seeing her flustered so you kept pushing it, leaning forward playing with her hair as you said, “I mean it. you´re very hot, you know that right?” a light shove from her then because she could feel her face turning red from your overt flirting, “alright, enough with the flattery, miss” but deep down she loved it, you could tell from her failed attempt to suppress a smile. 

it had gotten late, it was nearing midnight, you were both getting sleepy and you´d come over in the clothes you´d wear to bed, so there was an obvious question on Van´s mind, a hesitant pause before she said, “listen. would it be really fucked up to ask you to sleep over tonight?”, she was aware that it might be out of line to ask you to sleep in the bed she usually shared with her wife, you eyed her, the way she was holding herself with slight self-consciousness, a soft smile as you said, “probably, yeah”, she nodded, “right, yeah, I thought so..” a slightly disappointed expression that you took as a compliment before you continued, “but. I can cope with doing messed up things. clearly” gesturing back and forth between you two, which made her laugh then, “okay, good. I mean, you can sleep on my side, if that makes it less weird”, you were tickled by that logic, “sure, let´s do that”, “come on then, I think you deserve to relax now”, she said, giving your thigh a light squeeze as she got up and motioned for you to follow her upstairs. 

as you passed by the kitchen counter your eyes landed on an opened envelope near the edge, “Vanessa?” you said, which made her flinch and grab your wrist to pull you towards the hallway, away from the document, you laughed as she did this, amused by her dramatic reaction “so, that´s your real name?”, “obviously, yes. and just so you know, I fucking hate it.”, a pause before she added, “but I´ll admit, in your voice it actually doesn´t sound that horrible”, “careful, don´t be too sweet to me. Vanessa”, usually she´d have gotten pissed at someone for teasing her with her full name, but with you it was different, she could tell it was done lovingly, it also kind of turned her on but she´d unpack that another time, “no? why not?”, you looked back at her then as you went up the stairs, “don´t wanna make your side piece fall for you”, “side piece?? that´s awful, I don´t think of you as that”, she sounded scandalized, “I know, I´m just messing with you”, in that moment it hit her what you´d actually said before,“wait, what was that, repeat that for me”, her demeanor suddenly much lighter, but you just smiled at her, the glow on your face was enough for her to know that you had meant it, that you didn´t just see her as a casual fling. 

the fact that it was pitch black outside by that point made it much easier to go into their room, it felt less intrusive than if you´d seen every little detail, besides, you were too tired to take a good look around anyway, so you went over to their bed and tried to get comfortable as you felt her getting in on the other side. you did have a brief moment of worry then as you realized what exactly it was that you were doing, where you were laying down, and it didn´t escape her. about a minute passed of you just laying there, quiet, not looking at her or moving to snuggle up to her, which amused her, the fact that you had no problem having sex with her but suddenly got shy in that moment, so eventually she turned to face you, a smile as she said, “you do know that you can touch me, right? considering what we just did, this should not be the thing to lose sleep over”, you moved your head to meet her eyes then.

“okay very funny. I just thought it might be weird for you, if it feels like I´m her or something…”, she shook her head,“we don´t get close under the covers anymore, so, you´re good”, that almost made you laugh then,“that´s a pretty depressing image”, “oh I know, that´s why you had such an easy time seducing me”, she drew out the last two words for dramatic effect and you knew she was joking but you decided to play into it, a prideful smile on your face as you moved closer to her, pressing yourself up against her side as you whispered, “right, I took full advantage of your loneliness, didn´t I?” your lips soft on the side of her neck, your hand under her shirt, a helpless sigh from her “hmm”, “I corrupted you, huh?” your fingertips trailing down her ribs, you loved feeling her weak and quiet from your effect on her, so you kept whispering to her between kisses, her eyes shut as she let you feel her up until she eventually grew too hot from it and pushed you away, gently. “okay, easy you´re gonna have to stop that, unless you´ll follow through”, you cocked your head, a playful sparkle to your eyes, “should I?”. Van shook her head, in slight disbelief over your willingness to go again, “I appreciate the energy, really, but let´s save it for tomorrow”.

she had a different urge then, one that came from a place of pure tenderness, the sight of you all soft and comfortable next to her made it impossible for her to leave any space between your bodies, “come on, turn around for me”, a nudge to your side that made you face away from her, so she could put her arm around you and pull you close, her face nuzzled against your back, breathing in that scent of yours she couldn´t get enough of, “good?”, she asked, squeezing you a little as you moved your legs against hers under the blanket. “yeah, this is nice”, you sighed, relaxing into it, a deep sense of safety in her embrace.

both of you instantly grew heavy, so you shut your eyes and drifted off, whispering “sleep well” to each other at the exact same time, which made you both laugh a quiet, almost girlish laugh. just before you fell asleep, you put your hand over hers, in that state of half consciousness it was easy to be romantic, it was easy to do what you really wanted to, so you fell asleep the way you would with a girlfriend, forgetting for a moment that she wasn´t, too lost in the utter peace you felt being there with her. 

Van knew what some outsiders might have said about her relationship to you, “the lonely wife goes and fucks the hot young neighbor? how surprising.” something cynical like that, and she couldn´t deny that there was some truth to it, but as she felt your body warm against hers that night, she could not see anything nasty in your dynamic, it was impossible, because right then, the part of her that had remained a believer even during her darkest times came alive again; she was convinced that some higher power had made you cross paths. she did not believe in angels in a literal sense but she believed that people could play that part in the lives of others, often without even realizing, and that was how she saw you, as a kind of divine presence in her life that had come and ruptured the routine that was about to suffocate her, that she´d shut herself away in. Van knew that it might have come off as sanctimonious if she´d said it out loud, but she did not care, deep down, she truly felt like you were going to change things for the better, not just for her but for Tai too, because for the first time in ages Van felt a fragile sense of optimism looking forward, instead of the sheer dread she´d felt all the years before. 

she realized then that felt stronger and more capable of trying to figure out how to move on from her marriage, not because she was going to use you as her distraction or emotional support, she was not selfish enough to make you shoulder that burden, but because you were a living breathing reminder that there was more out there, you were a reminder of the possibilities she would open herself up to if she just accepted the initial pain of breaking out of what was known to her. it hit her then, that her feeling of entrapment was not grounded in reality, she was not the young girl stuck in her mothers house anymore and she was also not the teenage girl stranded in the woods; during her developmental years she´d been so unfree and restricted in her movement that as an adult she´d been completely blind to the fact that she could do whatever the fuck she wanted, go wherever she pleased, it was not out of masochism that her and Tai had stayed together for that long, even when it hurt, it was because they were hardwired to accept horrible circumstances as inescapable, they were too good at submitting to pain, in a way it was almost impressive, just how long they could keep their heads above water in situations where others would have already drowned in despair. 

the time she spent with you had shown her just how exhilarating and beautiful it could be, to finally allow herself to look beyond what she was familiar with and to let herself want things, to open herself up to the terrifying act of hoping for more. 

in her deepest fantasies, she could see herself and Tai with new partners, as good friends, talking to each other with that shared humor that they´d lost during their years of marriage, which Van missed, Tai had been her best friend before they’d become lovers, after all. she could envision it perfectly, Tai teasing her about being into younger women, letting herself be bossed around by someone who wasn´t even alive when they were in high school, it didn´t seem impossible to her, it seemed within reach, which shocked her.

as the feeling of you presses against her chest slowed her heart rate, she remembered what it feels like, to be free of anxiety, fully at ease, relaxed to her core. in that moment, nothing was gnawing at her, no past pain could reach her, nothing could disrupt your shared peace, and you were blissfully unaware of it, the fact that she was close to tears right before sleep got a hold of her too. 

the next morning you were unsure if you´d dreamed it up or if it had actually happened: her breath warm against your cheek in the middle of the night, a soft kiss, a whisper, “my angel”. 

[jiraisupportgroup]

hi!! is it so wrong to be a young jirai?

i feel so young in this community and idk what to do.. it feels like if people knew my true age theyd shame me or something. i respect the lifestyle and have felt the most comfort here than ever, but im so scared of people finding out my age and just blocking me

There isn’t anything particularly wrong with being young and in spaces like this - a lot of older people just don’t want to interact with minors for their own comfort (& vice versa). I can’t speak for everyone but there’s a lot of reasons for this. Especially in spaces based around mental health (and even more so with Jirai Kei being a space which isn’t inherently recovery based).

A lot of older landmines will talk about or RB things that are sexual in nature & it can feel kind of weird or gross when people who are much younger interact with posts about that stuff. Some people are also afraid because technically you can get in actual trouble if you’re posting nsfw content and knowing that minors follow you / will see it - although functionally there are hardly ever legal repercussions for this. It can still feel icky.

A lot of older landmines also just have trouble relating to younger landmines - our struggles might be similar but there can also be a lot of differences it really depends on the situation. Like a 20 year old and a 15 year old dealing with even the same issues can look extremely different, and sometimes we just can’t relate. Also the language that we use tends to be a bit different. I notice that it’s much more common for younger people to use more heavily romanticized language when talking about certain issues and a lot of older people can’t really relate because a lot of us are at a point where we’re just so defeated and sick of it. I don’t know how to explain this without giving examples but younger people make certain things look fun and new and exciting and like a thing to do while some of us older people have long past that phase and it’s just like a crushing reality for us at this point. It’s not fun anymore. And seeing people have fun with it can be upsetting for a number of reasons. That’s not specific to minors it’s just kind of a trend I’ve noticed. (I don’t know if I explained that well at all)

Another thing (and idk if this is just me) is that seeing teenagers talk about the same issues we have / had as a teenager is genuinely gut wrenching sometimes. It can be really hard to watch young people go down the same paths we went down and just wanting to scream at them to stop and turn back but knowing there is not a single thing we can do to help them - it can feel extremely disheartening sometimes. Especially on Tumblr bc a lot of us grew up on Tumblr and our illnesses were heavily influenced by the mental health spaces we were in on Tumblr & I mean for me at least I can confidently say that it had a negative impact on my mental health as a teenager and now being older it’s like aaaa fuck I don’t want the vents or things I post being shown to teenagers who could be negatively impacted by it just like I was at their age. Real Catcher in the Rye moment.

& some people just don’t really want to interact with minors. The differences between even 18 year olds and 15 year olds are pretty big. I mean I’m 24 and like I don’t really hang out in real life with people under 19 just kind of naturally - like not in “oh you’re only 18 we can’t hang out” kind of way but we just genuinely tend not to vibe. But again that’s just my personal experience so it’s super different for everyone.

There’s also a lot of minors who don’t want anyone who’s over 18 interacting with them for similar reasons. Often times it’s protection, but a lot of minors find adults annoying or not super relatable, which is just as valid.

Tldr: everyone has different comfort levels. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong or that people just automatically hate you bc of your age, it’s more so like the difference between teenagers & 20 year olds can be pretty big so sometimes they don’t want to interact with each other.

[mylifeisjustafeverdream]

A Retelling of My Mind Whilst Reading Shadow Kissed-

Omg it's the Sixth Sense up in this bitch

Bitch when are you ever "just tired" when weird shit starts happening to you, I swear to fuck.

Rose is so me because I too would rather die than spend an extended amount of time with my best friends boyfriend.

Eddie Castile the man that you are.

From the bottom of my heart I hope Jesse gets his shit rocked.

Omg Rose girl do something, ANYTHING. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US.

Least Favorite Trope: Entire plot would be resolved if this dumbass just like communicated the issues she is having OMFG.

If Rose Hathaway has no haters all her teachers must be dead because wtf is their issue???

Homegirl is unstable at best.

I feel like at this point she should probably go to where Mason the Friendly Ghost is pointing.

Girly-pop that's not a migraine....

I do not fucking trust that bitch Tatianna

*Viktor explains master plan* "Cool motive still murder"

*Law and Order sounds*

HE JUST SAID THAT SHIT IN OPEN COURT IT'S ON THE RECORD

How much of an asshole do you have to be that it's more believable that you're lying than a crime having actually happened lol

Lissa is so clueless it's kinda funny.

You know what I hope Rose fucks Adrienne and gets pregnant just to spite Tatianna.

She wants her nails done omg she's just a girl 🥺

*starts looking at my tarot book to see if this is accurate*

I love when Dimitri starts lore dropping to Rose

Well.... I think they know about the ghosts now.

That doctor is the only rational adult at the school cause literally why tf didn't she talk to a counselor.

Her therapist just clocked her so hard.

Well that's an unfortunate fact about Shadow Kissed Anna

Dimitri took part in that attack exercise specifically so she would hop on it lmao

Can't even celebrate for a moment before Lissa is off doing something dumb I swear to god

Lissa try not to get tortured challenge go

*New power unlocked*

YES ROSE BEAT HIS ASS GIRL......oh shit.....GIRL YOU GOT HIM IT'S GOOD.

She's like a feral cat.... Dimitri should use a spray bottle.

Oh my GOD IT'S HAPPENING EVERYONE REMAIN FUCKING CALM

Girl you gotta give me more details than that PLEASE

"My body ached" that'll happen when your first time is with a 6'7 Russian built like a tank

CAN WE NOT HAVE ONE GOD DAMN MOMENT OF PEACE

Girl I'm gonna throw up he's all alone out there.

CHRISTIAN OZERA THE MAN THAT YOU ARE

HE DIDN'T DIE THANK FUCK

Mason upstaging Dimitri even from the afterlife that's my man right there.

SECRET TUNNELS, SECRET TUNNELS THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS

The uncanny ability that 17 year old female herions have to radicalize societies is amazing

Do y'all think Dimitri came up with that life plan while he was fighting the strigoi?

"You're scared of my mother" um yea girl she's fs going to catch an attempted murder charge once she finds out.

*Clenched my jaw so tight during the cave fight it started to hurt*

Oh my God girl stop internal monologuing about how everything is going to work out THAT ALWAYS GOES POORLY

Oh God it's that blonde bitch from earlier this is going to be so much worse than him being dead.

Rose: *literally tries to throw herself back into a vicious attack just to save Dimitri's body*

Everyone Else: She just respected him as a teacher so much there's no other possible explanation.

Lissa clocking what was happening with Rose and Dimitri just now is like when someone steals the answer on Wheel of Fortune after the other contestant mispronounced the phrase

*Knows it's definitely going to happen* "Dimitri is a strigoi"*gasps*

I'm shocked they didn't grab like a single Guardian teacher to try and talk down Rose like why tf did they think Kirova would have any affect.

I know it's not malicious on Lissa's part but I'm glad Rose is finally speaking about how one sided this relationship is.

"Off to kill the man I love" oh this next book is going to fuck me up.

[weirdestcornelius]

president meat is my favorite character bc he is in such a Horrible Situation and i don't even know if kneeby intended it.

like. ok. some facts.

meat is 52. he is on his sixth term. each term is 5 years long. he has been president for 30 years.

meat has been in office since he was 22.

of course hes nervous!!!! hes the face of a tyranny- because there is no. fucking. WAY he is actually running anything. he is stuck in a position of immense power with no way out without severe consequences. i literally can't stop thinking about him. whos puppeting him? whats the goal? has it always been this bad? does he have any family, any friends? anyone he knows that isn't using him?

i think about him so often. he was 22. he had his whole life ahead of him. do you think he knows about the hospital? no wonder he handled it the way he did in cometcare. how much of himself has he been forced to hide. he was 22. hes spent 30 years like this. im not saying hes completely innocent but dear lord hes just a pawn. he has to be. theres no way this could happen otherwise. 30 years.

im so bad at typing out coherent thoughts i promise if i was able to physically speak words we'd be here for hours

Honestly I can agree with you by saying that there's no way Meat is in control of everything. No SANE person would want to stay in the office for 30 YEARS. He was nothing but a young adult when he first got in, so if I had to give a theory it's that Meat doesn't WANT to stay in the office, but he's being forced to/has to in order to cover something up.

For all we know he could be in alliance with Cuddles, which would explain in more detail how Cometcare turned out the way it did. The family specifically states that they didn't see Cuddles during the hearings, and they're still not sure what happened to him. Barry was FORCED to apologize to Cuddles during the hearing. From what I can assume the hearings were not public for obvious reasons (the public was told the hospital shut down because of financial problems) so. Why did Barry have to do that???

I feel like Meat is a good chance to explore a morally gray character. He doesn't seem "good" per say by ANY means. We can tell that easily because of the way he handled everything in Cometcare. But he is just SO NERVOUS all of the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually a pawn like you said he was. No president that is proud of their role or even just comfortable being president would look like that. Hell, even in his official reference sheet he looks scrunched up, sweaty, and nervous. He doesn't like his job, that's for sure; so why is he still president? Why is the public not angry that they've had the same single person controlling them for THIRTY YEARS? Is there not a cap on the terms one person can serve like in the U.S? Or maybe there IS outrage at how long he's served, and we just haven't seen it yet?

Meat is an interesting character. I hope Kc uses him to make a dynamic, morally gray character instead of what has happened to other characters in Sparklecare. I want to see more of him.

[ina-nis]

This is making me go a little insane again today because I'm always the oldest one in my groups and let me tell how people throw "predator" and "groomer" when your only crime is something you have no control over (your age). Yeah, I don't take that shit well at all.

I gave up on deeply connecting with people my age because there's almost not a single thing we have in common and it's hard with the whole queerness + disability + sober stuff. People are busy with jobs and families too so there's no place for me in their lives.

It's easier to connect with younger folks because of shared interests and literally being on a similar place in life (having not built much), many are not in long-term relationships or married, and definitely most do not have kids.

I hate this, I honestly do. I feel creepy and disgusted but beating myself up over something out of my control won't do anything to help so I don't do that anymore.

Do you seriously think I like being here, where the majority of the current userbase are super young, when I've been on this website for over 10 years? I really don't. I could never really connect deeply with people in real life, ever since I can remember, ever since internet and smartphones weren't really that accessible. At least now, I have a way to make connections, and keep these connection in my life, even if only virtually.

Don't even get me started on the whole "I'm lonely. I want a partner" because I'm really getting out of my comfort zone and coming onto any adults, regardless of their age - obviously, always younger than me...

I don't know... this shit fucking sucks and it's only going to get worse the older I get, I guess.

My therapist was excited about the possibility of me going back to school because "you'd be able to meet more people and make friends" but I already have a degree and all the relationships in these places (school, work, etc) are temporary: they exist as long as you're there. I gave up on trying to understand why, and it has a lot to do with people and their own priorities. You become a footnote in their lives, and they become one in yours too. The connections die.

So... am I willing to put myself in debt and emotional strain, for who knows how many years, so I'd, maybe, get my foot on the job market (again) and make friends (again), just to deal (again) with the crushing reality of being virtually unemployable and see connections I might spent a lot of energy and time building up, die? I'm not really sure if I want to do that again, or if I want to keep on doing that, to be honest.

It's funny because it went full circle: when I was younger and even as a child, I found it hard to connect with people my age (probably something to do with how you have to mature under duress to survive, and the whole childhood trauma thing, too); and now as a fully-grown adult, I achieved basically nothing people my age "ought" to: I don't have a career, I'm not in a relationship (never have been), I don't work because of my disabilities, I don't have a family or friends I can count on (so no social buffers or a safety system), I have built virtually nothing concrete, much like how when you're just starting your adult life!

As much as I understand the sentiment coming from people about how "it's not too late" and "you're not behind in life, you're where you're supposed to be", you'll still be labeled a predator for only having young friends and childish interests on the internet - and before anyone tells me to just "get off internet and go outside" do I need to explain again the matters of accessibility? Also "it's alright to not being able to work" until you have a invisible disability that makes it looks like you're actually just faking it, and so on.

I understand I'm one of those. I understand I have all these horrible "red flags" and that no one should ever be allowed near me, and I should never really approach any young person ever. The irony is that I don't like children and immaturity is a huge turn off for me so I'm stuck with a bunch of young inexperienced people. It sucks for me in a lot of different ways.

But I'll honestly take that over being around people my age who managed to build things and relationships over time. I don't need any more reminders of how much "lost" time I have to grieve...

I'm not naive, I know I still have time and I know I have built quite a lot of things. That's not the point I'm trying to make, and that's not what I have to grieve either. The matter of time is still a huge issue that is absolutely out of my control and I can only do so much with what I have.

[hellhousellc]

gonna try to explain all my feelings after watching ep 5 of the second season of tsitp stay w me...

so okay first of all i am a jeremiah girlie from day one but i have to say that man can NOT narrate in a compelling way to save his life... and all the close ups of him staring at people silently with the voice over in the background... giving demonic miley

but ANYWAYS onto the actual like... drama?

FIRST OF ALL am i the only one who remembers conrad telling belly that jeremiah seemed to "be okay" and that he "moved on" and "was dating people" ???????????? WHERE LMAO he clearly was pissed off and if you maybe would have cared enough to visit more than once and actually have a conversation with him instead of just asking if it was okay to date the girl he loved and then fleeing out of there you would have noticed?

like actually that's the part i hate the most about the show. these two teenagers were in the process of losing their mom and decided that it would be a good idea to just fuck it all up between each other and with their closest friends for shits and giggles?? and no adult had anything to say about it? they even supported it? and everyone around them was silently letting them ruin their relationship for a teenage romance??? kay????? jeremiah literally threw a fucking firework like super close to conrad and belly's heads PLEASE IS THERE ANY ADULT IN THE ROOM RN????

because like, i get crushing on the same girl. i get it you're teenagers hormones or whatever. but what person would actually like care so little about their siblings to SEE how heartbroken they are and still persue a relationship with their love interest? and not only that but also lie about how said sibling feels so the relationship can happen (since the love interest didn't want to hurt them so they were keeping their distance) and then be all lovey with said love interest in front of their sibling and act all shocked when the sibling tries and set boundaries???? you're in college bitch time to grow up!!!! you're dating a 16 yo that your brother is in love with you weirdogo listen to olivia rodrigo she says it all

but anyways that being said let me tell you that i was trying to actually like remember how much screentime conrad and belly had as an actual like pairing. not belly pining after him and him acting all moody and disgusting (= the entire first season) but actual content about the two of them forming a bond and strenghtening it. there's none of that. first few episodes we see belly with cam cameron and jeremiah and like maybe 2 minutes of interactions with conrad, and the last few ones he finally decides that she actually exists but still fucks up every single time.

and then in the second season we get their whole like weird romance during the year where he (18 yo college man) goes to her (16 yo) house and takes her away (without her mother's permission) to the beach where they proceed to have sex :) so fun! (at this point i'm BEGGING for some adult supervision) and he treats her like shit the rest of the time and acts like being with her is a burden and i KNOW his mom was dying but then just break up??? she's not your punching bag??? and then she acts SO OUT OF PLACE at the funeral they are so toxic it's infuriating!!!!!!!!!

meanwhile we see jeremiah being there for her again and again and giving her the teenage romance she (16 yo!!!!!!!!!!!) deserves and being happy and making her happy and all she does is hurt him like did you REALLY need to break up with him the same night he FOUND OUT HIS MOM HAD CANCER AND WAS DYING? and not only that but tell him you CHEATED ON HIM WITH HIS BROTHER????? (who was also unaware of their relationship)

but then after all of this jeremiah still tries to move on and steps up for his family because his older brother was too busy stuck in his own head and fucking a minor to actually care about his dying mother and his teenage brother and would only appear when he wanted to i guess hurt his brother even more by shoving his relationship with belly on his face????

and jeremiah still goes and looks for him when he decides that the best thing he can do after showing clear signs of depression is disappearing months after their mom died without giving his brother a clue or at least letting him know he's safe

so now jeremiah has to face not only his shitty brother but also the girl who broke his heart and she has the neeeeeeeeeeerve to try and start things with him ONCE AGAIN????? AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN HE TURNS HER DOWN?????????????????????

i'm having such a hard time y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't even get me started on steven "i'm in love with my girlfriend and treat the girl who likes me like shit but wait my girfriend broke up with me :( and the girl who likes me moved on and has a new boyfriend now :( i need to get her back on track IMMEDIATELY and make her obsess over me AGAIN or my dick will fall off :(" whatever his last name is

ALSO and last one stop hating the boys' cousin just because of their gender you WEIRDOS and their mom is actually right??? she has no need for the house it's only a waste of her money and if conrad and jeremiah's father is a shitty man who cheats on his dying wife and won't give them the only thing that would make them happy (and it's their money so fuck you they can do whatever with it) (and i'm sorry but am i the only one who's catching on the fact that she's clearly communicating with their dad and is not making any choices alone?? like she obviously tried and failed to sell the house to him because he's an ASSHOLE and made it abundantly clear meanwhile she's doing what she can with what she has) then maybe take it out on him and not on a woman who is doing nothing but what's best for her and her family by selling a house that holds a lot of trauma for her okay??? okay

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

I bought a reading from ancientgoddessofegypt and I am late with my review I promised due to literal failing health and I wanted my review to be perfect for her due to her kindness, talent, speed, and AUTOMATIC SUPER SONIC HYPNOTIC FUNKY FRESH talent and so I am using lyrics as the 90s baby I am.

And emojis cos I right now cannot toss actual biodegradable glitter at her and plan a super cool party in her honor because

1. I'm fucking broke

2. I'm actually dying. Cancer, tumors, PCOS or endo? They dunno but they said they'll get back to me soon! And it was rude of me asking for results at 5pm on Friday. She really did hang up on me.

3. I am 32 and I wanted to see BTS in 2025 and after being suicidal since I was 9 and holding on for so long and now to maybe having cancer and dying before 2025 BTS TIME is lowkey annoying me. I didn't even unwrap my YOONGI MERCH I GOT WHEN MY ASS HAD MONEY BEFORE I GOT SICK.

4. I really said fuck it we ball, and now I might not get to ball? Ain't that bout a bitch.

BUT HER READING WAS THE BESTEST EVER AND I AM BEGGING YOU TO NEVER EVER ADVERTISE ON ETSY FUCK YOU ETSY AND YOU ARE MORE THAN A STAR YOU ARE TALENTED AND KIND AND KINDNESS IS SO RARE THAT I REALLY DO THINK I GAVE WON LOTTO WHEN SOMEONE GOES I HEAR YOU.

When I tell y'all that I was told by my sperm donor today that my dying is upsetting to him because I never told him about my "health problems" and I said wait. I have told you since I was in the single digits and you always replied "I don't wanna hear that shit" and I went? Then how am I suppose to tell you I am dying? "YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS FOR A PAST MISTAKE"

*looks into the camera like the office*

Me informing you of my weak immune system and doing so for 32 years of you knowing me and saying to shut the fuck up if I mention pain is a wild take to have when the pain finally means dying, but ok!

I have literally had several seizures, a constanr fever, and I now have no immune system, and I went damn I ain't even gonna see BTS in 2025 and now I'm in trouble for being sick in the open while in charge of 3 disabled adults with no money.

My tone of dying offendes him.

He went on to blame my poor mental health and believing him when he said he studied my ADHD.

He literally said, no! It WAS YOUR JOB TO INFORM ME OF YOUR SYMPTOMS BUT YOU JUST JUMP SUBJECT TO SUBJECT AND RANT WHEN I ASK FOR HELP.

I really did give up on life there I did. Because I then asked, so me saying several things in several sentences to explain 32 years of health problems is making you angry and making you feel bad because I said I am now dying due to you ignoring my health and I wanted to know what I can do for you and mom before I die since I am well, dying.

Me dying from problems I continued to tell you about and you kept telling me it was rude to talk about and unladylike is now my fault? Because I should have said it nicer?

When I cried in pain you told me to shut the fuck up.

When I went quiet you yelled at me saying I was a bitch.

Now I am dying and don't look pretty, and you're upset I closed my door to cry about me dying.

While I am literally cleaning up your liquid shit, mom's pee stained mattress, and now grandma's dementia and novody left me money to do antthing but a text saying God Bless ajd WATCH YOUR TONE!

I'm laughing because deadass, God forbid women do anything.

Tumblr, am I the asshole for asking how I can continue to be of perfect daughter service although I am actively dying and trying to inform parents of said dying when for years they told me to "shut the fuck up" and "all you young people do is talk about death"!

Doesn't matter now folks. I am out of time soon unless some deity steps in, the USA healthcare system thinks of black women as humans, and I can afford said treatment.

But wild how me dying and not looking pretty got the VA doctors to step in and finally ask for extra testing because "hmmm you have little to no immune system and this will hurt your chance of becoming pregnant" let's take a look?

I asked for help for over a decade now, and was told help would arrive when my husband and I want children and I do not get pregnant quickly.

I'm 32, a virgin, and asexual. But thank you for that solid medical advice.

Red state? Well technically the world thinks Georgia is purple aka red and blue and a swing state, but I've been here since I was in 6th grade and it's absolutely red.

But you're black?

Yes. And the black people here are mainly red. And Christian. I am not.

"Move?"

Chronic pain and several disabilities not taken serious because I am "pretty, smart, and have a smart phone". I have literally less than $1000 in my bank account and at this point I'm just drinking energy drinks and buying my cat whatever she wants.

Yoongi, my bestie in my head, the fucking way I might not get to see you in person again with the whole BTS squad and Halsey...

I really said fuck it, we ball, and the universe said girl... The thing is...

Yoongi, bro I got this new galaxy z flip4 with the last of my savings (shoutout to backmarket for letting me coupon while dying awoman) and i only update my phone every 3-5 years and only for under $300 lmaooooo and bro...

Min Yoongi I don't even get to write you a sticky note saying "please wear saftey glasses when sanding wood, the dust can be harmful to your eyes and if i had a wood shop class you would be escorted out for not having glasses on and if you said but it's not big deal i would go 🫥 and nod and smile.

And because I LOVE YOU i am going to be in the spirit of Swag Surfin for you. But my heart? I am going this dumbass water sign really on the front row of Samsung who I thought he owned in 2021 but he don't, and he not gonna own it cos he thinks sanding wood WITHOUT glasses is no big deal. All purple everything frfr but bro... What the fuck. i gotta get him to be safe with wood and DUST i am... bro... the dust! Samsung ceos Min Yoongi is the best at rapping and being cool forgive his woodwork vlogs without safety glasses i know in his HEART THAT IS FULL OF PURPLE LOVE is committed to greatness. (please help me use this z flip 4 phone b4 i die i'mma figure it out)

someone: she's dying and beefing with a kpop dude not wearing safety goggles while in a wood working area and sanding? am i reading this review of services correct? 🤔🤔🤔

yeah. libra sun libra mercury libra mars. scorpio rising. lilith in capricorn. virgo moon. iconic huh? 😉

i wanna be in a pink jumpsuit recycling in Barbie land with pink safety equipment. but i'm in the real world and was shoved to the air force for being too smart and conviently poor.

the usa doesn't have a conscription its so much better than south korea hehehe says the online western chatter

Shoutout to us niggas in the usa, and when i say us niggas, i mean us black girlies who were told we talk too white and we better NOT have a baby with our fast ass and you better do better than them cos they not gonna listen to you anyways, oh and fuck your man hating ass for thinking your father and brother and male family members should treat others with respect! ya lil oreo ass think you too good now thinkin you know things. God don't like ugly! and you thinkin that sex without consent is rape is crazy talk and you need to mind ya fuckin business and what the fuck you mean i'm abusive? I GAVE YOU FOOD CLOTHING AND TOYS AND NOW YOU WANNA BRING UP OLD SHIT ABOUT ME NOT BELIEVING YOUR PAIN? WELL I DID THE BEST I COULD AND YOU YOUNG FOLKS TODAY THINK DEATH DEATH DEATH AND THE TIKITY TOK AND HUMAN RIGHTS AND THE WHITE MAN GOT TO RAPE FOR YEARS AND GET AWAY ON TV WITH IT BUT OUR MEN GET IN TROUBLE? NOW?SEEM LIKE BULLSHIT TO ME! WHY YOU KEEPING A BROTHA DOWN????? WE ALL WE GOT. IF YOU JUST KEEP GOD IN YOUR HEART AND STOP LISTENIN TO THEM LIL GAY ASS KPOP BOYS WITH MAKEUP YOU'D KNOW. AND BELIEVE HER? SHE WAS THE ONE WITH WEAVE DOWN TO HER ASS AND AT THE CLUB AT 2AM SHE SHOULDA KEPT HER BLACK ASS IN THE HOUSE MAKIN HER PUSSY MUSIC SEE Y'ALL WANT EQUAL RIGHTS BUT IF I HIT YOU YOU WANNA CRY FOUL SEE THATS THAT BULLSHIT YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BITCH. ANYWAYS DO YOU. I KNOW WHATS RIGHT.

*applauds Tyler Perry movie of a black man mocking a black woman in a dress*

*applauds Kanye for speaking the truth about "the Jews"*

*says black women should know better than to leave home at night, on the weekends, at rush hour, during the holidays, and while being alone*

*makes fun of darker skinned black women*

*frames Bull Cosby as innocent and Aaliyah was a whore who asked for it and her parents signed the papers so what can you do*

*i'm not against the gays* *calls crying bitch ass behavior*

*judges black women for hair(all hair, long short curly straight she should know better either way)*

*if you read the poor dad rich dad book then you'd be somewhere*

*yells at cashier for not smiling* so you don't want a job? entitled bitch doesn't deserve $15 for standing there!* worker not getting even $10 but go off i guess?

*when you having kids? i wanna spoil someone now*

*You always bringing up that man hating white women shit.*

I asked for equality and you said I hated men. You told me she's a whore, and she's a man hating dyke bitch. She's pretty and she's ugly for thinking she is pretty.

She better take care of her whole family, and start her own while being independent and knowing her place, under the Man.

Questions? Disobience. Liberal arts bullshit.

Black Lives Matter. BOUT DAMN TIME.

Black women? Well you see.... She wore this and sure girl power but not like that, and what do you mean this is bad? she asked for it being in the dark in the movies in room with men in that building in that lip gloss in that area without an alarm without a gun she knew better!

I don't know any black men who has mistreated a girl like that! she lyin! i can tell by the way she looks. lyin ass raggity black bitch. this why black men hate y'all lil weavealicious black bitter bitches.

"i'm sick of trump and his bullshit shit." *parrots trump talking points word for word* no this different because i have never hit your mother even though i should have beat her ass for the way she talked to me and i told her everyday to be thankful i don't hit her and that me calling her stupid isn't so bad because other women have marks so fuck you for saying i hate women when i forgave my nephew for sexually assaulting several women because God said forgive and that is MY opinion!

he, my black dark skinned father and light skinned black mother says "we all we got" and i am just an oversensitive bitter man hating bitch who needs to calm down cos other people have it worse.

we. all. we. got.

then i ain't got shit huh.

Anyways it be ya own squad.

Dying at this point would be a relief from the hell that has been being a black woman in the USA in the last 32 years.

But the love reading i got gave me strength to speak up about my troubles to one more person and the woman started a direct case for getting me help.

i'll keep y'all updated if you want.

if this is confusing i am sorry frfr but at this point i'm lowkey not caring about typos

and i am so sorry my samsung homies but the emojis...

whew... they ugly.

Yoongi. Yoongi. Yoongi

i turnedback on my old ass cheap ass iphone and got a new number within like 15 hrs of switching to samsung.

the way my libra ass couponed 2 phones and under $50 for 2 phone lines is kinda iconic for a dying poor bitch huh! 🤌🏾

😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😎🧐🤠

i just wanted to use the cowboy emoji cos heehaw and i was a horse girl and this could probably explain so much if i thought about it more but i'm not cos i'm sleepy and found a cherry vanilla coke and i wanna play the bts island game. add me borahae hoes everyone welcome soon as i remember my login in

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💓💓💓💓💗💗💖🩷💖💞💞💕💕💕❣️❣️💟💘💘💘💌💌💌🩷🩷🩷💜🧡🩵🧡💙💛💚💛💚💛💜🧡🤎🩷❤️💞❤️🩷💥💥💥💫💫💫💯💯💯💯💯

buy her reading i am so serious.

like i am literally wanting to know how much more time i have left from testing for several varioua bad outcomes and i am using my time to write this I AM SO SORRY I AM LATE SIS I REALLY AM!!!!!

OMG I LOVE YOU!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW BABES I LOVE THIS <33333333

[lunarain0918]

Falling hard for people you've never met

Specifically made this account for my over thinking lol. Okay so 3 years I met two amazing people. To say that they changed my life is kinda an understatement, which does sound stupid. So first lets start with boy 1. boy 1 and boy 2 where bestfriends. I dont rallly remember how they met its whatevs. so me and boy 1 got really close and we texted eachother for about a year every single day. I mean there was not one second we werent talking. I never really got close to boy 2 which i knew he had some weird atraction towards me. I was also really young and naive and would let every remark that they said towards me slide. Like bro i was so blinded at it, when i first turned 19 i forgot about them somehwhat. i would still think about them from time to time. But when i first got to college i made the smartest decision to delete both of them days after they contacted me first. Now a couplde months later, i get a notification that boy 2 added me. my dumbass added him back then i think we talked for like 1 day and went back to no contact. After i turned 20 i noticed him starting to watch all my socials all the time and i wanted to text him to catch up but it was NOT worth it, so i didnt. Couple months later, i am back in college and i made the stupid decision to add boy 1 on social, which again was stupid but i did. This was like the day before spring break and me and my friend decided to be stupid that night and like stalk literally everyone and their baby mommas swear. We honestly could be like secret spys or something my god. Anyways the day of springbreak i unadded him because he didnt accept it. BLAH BLAH BLAh. anyways again one night with me and said friend i decided to text boy 2 and of course they are bestfriends so he texted boy 1 so he added me back. Also sorry if i sound incompetent in some sentences i am very gone. Anyways me and boy 2 text eveyday ish, then it started getting slower and slower and i remember getting mad at myself because i am letting this happen AGAIN sam situation different friend. Let me also explain me and boy 1 relationship was so confusing towards me because we didnt act like friends but less than a relationship typa deal. There are so many things i just now learned, three years later about boy 2 and it scared me and i told myself not to do the same shit again but i did lmao, no surprise and i hate myself for that. I tried excusing their behavor at certain time towards me, but there is only a certain limit your body can handle. It was weird that my body knew what was going to happen before i actually knew until that moment. In life your always going to meet people, and you really dont know if they are considered a lesson to teach you something, ot if they are going to be in your life completely. Which sucks because im impatiant and i always end up getting hurt. I finally started standing up for myself and not scared to speak up for myself. Thats new for me, people cant walk all over me anymore and ive never felt so alone. Let me expalin that. When you start actually saying something and people finally realize that youll sya something back is when they leave. They no longer have that power over you and they know that. I feel alone not lonely, better to not deal with people actions and not allow yourself to feel like that again. I devoted 3 years of my life towards them and im never allowing myself to be in an relationship or friendship, or whatever the fuck that was that constitely leaves me confused after every conversation. Im a new adult and i never want to go through that again, but once again i ahve a whole life ahead of me that its really inevetable, which sucks but character developemtn i guess. I do want to say that for both of them this is an apology for not meeting yall later on and not when i was so young. I think thats what kinda ruined in but i cant change anything about that. I dont regret that we met im actually glad i expirienced that with the both of them, but i think its time to move on. I say that but i know if they both texted me right now i would respond in an instant.

[harbingrs]

Description of intense moral OCD thoughts/scenarios under the read more, including self-harming and suicidal ideation

Please don't read if this may be triggering for you or be detrimental to your own mental health

This has actually been a lifelong issue for me - I used to get panic attacks as a child in elementary school, thinking about wanting to help other people, but feeling like nothing would ever be enough.

If I had a single dollar then I'd be capable of giving it away to someone who needs it more, so how could I ever justify doing anything BUT giving all my money away? How could I ever cope with having money as an adult and choosing not to donate it? This used to terrify me so much - even as a kid I felt a complete loss of control over just Needing to give everything away.

Hell, wouldn't it be selfish to buy food for myself when others are starving? That's valuing my life over theirs and I can't live with that scenario. But then I figured that if I died, I couldn't donate any money that way, so I had to stay alive in order to earn money and give it away.

And this was in /elementary school/ - I was already terrified about the future because of this internal demand, feeling like anything less than perfect self-sacrifice I couldn't live with.

I know how fucking ridiculous it is, but if I start down that path even today, I still feel the same way. It's not a choice or me just being completely, cringe-worthily dramatic, because I'm fully self-aware about how it sounds. It's like something that's installed in my brain that holds me to that standard at gunpoint, something that isn't just Me or my feelings or values.

It was hell when I was working in a 'sustainable living' business because every little day-to-day decision is moralised - every food, every purchase, every part of your daily routine is a chance to Do Better. The distress and anxiety is constant and if I follow that path of trying to do the right thing, I will end up at 'I can't justify staying alive because I'm inherently doing net harm that I can't avoid, even if I put all my time and energy and money towards mitigating it'.

And again - it sounds absurdly dramatic, but it's not from a place of rational thinking or any kind of reasoning at all, it's chasing that distress until you find out what it would REALLY take to stop it for good.

That's the kicker, and how it can escalate so badly - because as soon as you ask OCD the question of 'what would it really, finally take for this distress to stop, not for the moment, but to finally be Good Enough Forever?' the answer is going to be something completely batshit by definition. If you're following the path of doing what your OCD wants, and your OCD will always be raising the bar, it's always going to be something beyond ridiculous.

And it's not just in the scrupulosity department - I have the same feelings about personal relationships. I obsess over all the ways I could be harming or burdening people close to me, but if I follow that OCD spiral to its ultimate conclusion, the only way to make sure I NEVER negatively impact someone is to cut them off. And even then, I won't be able to undo any harm or burden I've caused in the past, which leaves me completely inconsolable and desperate for a way (ie. compulsion) to Atone and Cancel It Out.

Which again, looks EXACTLY like BPD behaviour on the surface - erratic mood swings, suddenly pushing people away, distorted self-image, suicidal and self-harming behaviour

I never know how to end posts but it is all genuinely just A Lot and there's so much shame in being a grown adult and having such extreme thoughts like "I can't justify my own existence when it's doing net harm" and being both aware of how ridiculous it sounds AND not being able to explain how deadly serious it is, that it feels like a complete moral imperative and you will never know a moment of peace until you achieve Perfection (donating all your earthy possessions, dying to protect the earth from your carbon emissions, cutting yourself off from all human interaction so you can never be an inconvenience or a burden)

For those without OCD its so hard to explain how I can be aware it's ridiculous and not something I would ever expect anyone to do, but at the same time it's so completely serious, like a force inside you that compels you to do what it wants. I feel it as a physical sensation, like a nausea, and I can never fully explain it in a way that makes sense, especislly if someone's telling me "you don't need to be perfect to be close to other people" and I can't explain "I know this but I also Have To, I Have To cut this off to make it right and I can't explain why but this is the standard I have to live to do the right thing"

Descriptions that talk about the obsessive-compulsive cycle as an increasing anxiety and performing an action to address the anxiety.... I think gives a misleading picture that the 'anxiety' is similar to the broader emotion or what's felt in Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and so people assume it can be addressed or worked through with the same methods, but for me it's most definitely not (and I experience that kind of anxiety too)

For me it's more like a) a magnetic force propelling me to do something - like the feeling of pushing two opposing magnets together, but in my chest and emotions; and b) something I just Know, that feels like an absolute, but it isn't coming from logical reasoning ot my actual beliefs or values, its just There.

That's the other misconception about it being an 'intrusive thought' - that it's like a voice over a loudspeaker that you can ignore or tune out. But for me it's more like "this is what I have to do and I just Know, I just Feel It" - it feels like a complete absolute about life and the universe, but it's not a Belief that comes from my own thoughts or values, it's just /there/

And I'm still capable of knowing that it's not how things work. I know that nobody has to be perfect and make sure they never negatively impact other people or the world around them to justify existing - that's absolutely not something I think or believe. I don't even believe that anyone or anything (eg. a higher power) is out there setting a standard of moral behaviour to meet, let alone targeting me specifically with rules that don't apply to anyone else.

It's not that I don't know these things or my experience of reality has changed - which also makes it different from a delusion (as is the full picture of OCD compared to psychosis). But in the moment, my inner feeling of I Just Know /overrides/ everything else - it's just There telling me what I Have To Do and it feels more compelling than anything else in the moment. No other 'evidence' or logic can be stronger to me than just Knowing, especially when I'm feeling thst magnetic push to do the thing I know I Need To. And it's even more distressing not to be able to explain it to anyone else in the moment.

But I think that's why calling it 'anxiety' and compulsions things that 'relieve the anxiety' can misrepresent it a bit. And I do have other obsessions/compulsions that feel a bit more like a regular anxiety/intrusive thought experience, typically because they're smaller peripheral things, like OCD side quests where it just kinds leaks out. For me that's germ issues or my brain going 'if you use that colour on your lamp it's gonna manifest freaky shit in your house" - while those same issues can be debilitating for some, it's not my big OCD theme, and so it's easier for me to work on breaking the cycles and practice getting through the distress and managing my feelings around the smaller ones.

But my big themes are a whole different story, and it's no coincidence that they're both deeply tied to what matters to me (doing good, being good to the people I care about, avoiding doing harm) and very big on the uncertainty (ie. the subjectivity of morality and what it means to be a 'good person') as well as having deep roots in my own trauma history

It's easy to see why those big themes have such a hold on me because my core values DO play into it - it's vitally important to me to do good and not to hurt people. That outcome really is a catastrophic thing to me - it's easier to make myself sit with uncertainty and discomfort about potentially eating something germy or seeing something scary in the mirror at night than it is to get myself to be complacent about being selfish and hurting other people.

It's so hard to even /start/ dealing with this better when the rhetoric is "you have to do the right thing whatever it takes, no excuses" and "you have to address and overcome this issue that's getting in the way so you can do the right thing" - which still just enshrines doing the activism etc at all costs as the end goal. It reinforces the exact concept behind the OCD and you can't recover from it in order to finally satisfy the OCD.

Recovering from moral OCD means learning to live with the uncertainty re: being a good person, and no longer needing to prove or pursue Goodness, and no longer needing to even JUSTIFY not pursuing it. Because what I'm doing right here - unpacking all this, trying to justify why I'm not doing the Good Person compulsions, why I need to not do them, is also a moral OCD compulsion.

As long as I feel the need to balance out my inadequate activism with feeling really bad about it, with how badly I want to be able to, with how awful and guilty I feel about being this way - I am also feeding the cycle. But it feels completely monstrous to even say 'I need to not feel bad about not doing good things, this is something I need to aim for'. I know that other people will see it as completely fucked and selfish and unforgivable if that's what I try to do.

All I can say is that OCD is fucking hell. I would give anything to just be normal about this. Recovering from moral OCD necessitates basically... making peace with not being Good, with being someone who can be selfish and pass up opportunities to do good without distress or guilt. You have to be able to know you COULD do better and shrug it off, without the drive to improve.

"You have to expose both to the fear that you may be morally imperfect and also to the fear that you have inadequately addressed it."

I just... can't imagine a world where it's okay for me to say 'I'm not going to do this activism/mutual aid/etc and I'm not going to feel bad about it and I'm not going to treat it like a big deal'. I don't know how to not feel like it's a big deal when other people fucking... matter. I don't know how to be selfish and at peace with it. I don't know if I even want to be.

But I know other people don't experience it like this. Somehow, they have a balance where it /matters/ and they /care/ but it doesn't consume their entire life. Even if they want to try and do more or be better, it's... not like this. But I don't know how to have that and it makes me feel fundamentally broken, that I don't know how to do that, like I don't have that internal function that everyone else does to regulate things like Desire To Help Others in a normal, proportional way.

I don't know what my future looks like and I don't know how to have the life I want - one where I can do good things and try to be a better person, but in a way that isn't driven by an all-consuming mental illness. It's terrifying to feel like instead I'm at a crossroads, where my options are a) to chase that perfectionist drive to Do Good until it kills me or b) to work on Recovery and train myself to not care and not feel bad about it. I want there to be a third option but it just feels impossible. And I don't think I could ever forgive myself for just... disengaging, let alone being complacent and aiming to not even feel bad about that.

But as soon as it's framed as "I want to get better so I can do more good things" it's right back to making that the ultimate goal I'm working towards: getting rid of my issues about moral good in order to finally ACTUALLY do more moral good. Which is like trying to overcome my issues with germs in order to achieve an even more perfectly germ-free environment - like, it just does not work as long as that's my driving motivation, because getting better means GENUINELY not being worried about that thing any more.

I just can't imagine being able to let go of that desire and owning that without guilt or shame.

PS. I also know that calling it Doing Good makes it sound like it's selfish and egotistical - like moral bragging rights as opposed to actually caring for people. But I'm wording it like that as shorthand for activism/mutual aid/political involvement/volunteering/mentoring/literally anything that could go under that umbrella. I am a person who cares, a lot - not just about "proving I'm a good person". Just about people in general. That's what makes it so hard - because the roots of my OCD are so entwined with those genuine values that I don't know how to separate them.

[itoshikinozomu]

Ok, I'm really more annoyed than I let show because, I mean, it was the first time in a while I was actually working on something actually productive and...once again, it had to be ruined by "help". I mean. And the thing is...it's not even as "necessary" as could be if I still manage. But the problem is that it really proved one thing: ressources are accessible only to a limited amount of people. Circumstantially I tried to see how long I could last on a certain budget just living casually instead of being overly conscious of everything I spend and...hm. Okay, to put in perspective given a very common trait people forget about bipolarity: spending habits. If anything it's, contrary to popular belief, it's one of the most common things that lead to a diagnostic (it goes under impulsive traits). It's harmless to about anyone but the person who go through that pattern, and maybe people around them, but it varies a lot. The point I want to make is that despite this being one of the most common trait to receive a diagnostic (bipolarity(type I or II) or manic depressive disorder) that is often unnecessarily correlated to criminality and violent impulse. And what is "violent" is often very arguable, it seems that what people seems to expect here is inherently physical when it's often just someone melting down loudly as a defense mechanism, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in that state unprovoked, in my case the only times I've ever been that way wasn't exactly even during episodes but as a desperate way to make boundaries. If words alone get me nowhere I just panic and become gradually hostile until the point is made. But that's very much the thing, to get me there my boundaries have to be stepped on severely. That doesn't count as a symptom in this context. I've seen professionals in these circumstances and, as a kid it's touchy, as an adult instead of a diagnostic they...don't do much really? They give ressources that only work for abled people who can drive with the proper means and good surroundings. But otherwise it's kinda like "fuck you, get killed" and then everyone think that lighting candles and sharing thoughts and prayer will improve anything while the same ressources for these same inaccessible services are shared ad nauseum. I mean the problem isn't a mental health problem here, but a systemic one. It doesn't matter if the disability is mental or physical it falls in the same pit here. From experience, I've been provoked by my family my entire life to be restrained that way. They always pushed on every buttons on purpose knowing what would happen. I would try to explain. Get sent to therapists. And if my therapists confirmed that my reactions were in fact normal. Then. Therapist switch. It was only when I was 17 and made a suicide attempt that people started to realize the issue wasn't exactly mine when they tried to provoke me the first day only to see what would happen in the next days if they did not do that. Nothing happened after a week or two, so they just released me. Then my mom had the brilliant idea to think that she was in control of the situation and still consider herself as a figure of authority in my life, instead of a bitch on watch, then attacked me at the first opportunity. I mean I don't even recall what it was for, it was really that mundane, but she went feral, but she's small and frail and not exactly what I could define as a threat so it was more like her problem here and I think my sister ended up calling 911 at some point, but given the circumstances it resulted in something very funny called losing custody. About. 2 weeks before my 18th birthday, and we probably lived if I make the whole count of it ... Hm. We probably lived. In total. About. 3-4 weeks together? But yeah. Anyway. She sabotaged my whole childhood doing that kind of shit every single times. I dunno what for exactly I mean I wasn't even living with her and yet she got full custody (and the things she spent it on, well, it's ok to loot people, don't think twice anymore), that cunt should be grateful. 🥱

Tl;dr: this is what psychological abuse look like and also why maintaining stereotypes about mental health only allow that kind of abuse to persist. Making a violent character psychotic requires a lot of nuance and violence may be the result of a build up that isn't always related to any symptoms. I mean psychose has the potential to be a very entertaining trait, but people should really look up the symptoms because they do that. And when it comes to labeled as "maniac" characters it's even worse (megalomania is overdone...like make these characters very obsessed with being productive about something completely useless instead, now that fits). Otherwise maintaining certain stereotypes for certain traits has the potential to harm anyone stuck in a vulnerable position (it's not exclusive to minors, but mainly do apply to minors).

Also can we stop pretending that "mental" health is actual medial thing when most of it turns out to be a result of circumstances and an attempt to keep vulnerable people under control without giving them an option to stand up if things fall through the very largely gapped safety net? Some biological factors do affect people cognitively, but most of it is just external. Even in cases of certain psychosis it's just like...tell someone enough bullshit for long enough and of course their relationship with reality will be altered if it's the only thing a person knows. So just because someone got bullshitted their entire lives we can put diagnostics on their back when the source never faces any consequences. Ever. Amazing. And people eat that shit.

[madmaryholiday]

encountered my first irl "children are identifying as cats and want to use litter boxes at school" bullshit today.

the coworker i talk to most often and sit with at break announced to me today that he'd read a very strange news story. i invited him to share, and before he'd got halfway through the premise, i knew what he was on about.

i just went "no. i promise you. no."

and explained why people like to cite this non-existent news story in their ongoing "think of the children!" tirades.

turns out the guy who sits next to him showed him the article. my coworker was like "oh, good, [name] will be so relieved to hear it's not true!"

but of course that second coworker was all "idk man CRAZY stuff is going on these days!"

and i miiiiight've been a little too blatant with my shock that anyone would believe something so obviously designed to outrage people. but i managed to bring it around to the general "if you read something that outrages you, first ask yourself who's benefiting from your outrage" and other critical thinking tools.

to really drive it home, though, because i could tell he was still skeptical (as was another coworker nearby), i went back a bit later and did a quasi-apology "i hope it didn't sound like i thought you were dumb for taking that story at face value" thing, that i'd just genuinely thought people knew that particular story was fake.

i'm still slightly horrified that three people i know accepted this obvious reaction bait as the truth, but i'm hoping they know better now.

there was also some concerning talk about "their environment" and "the internet is everywhere these days" and other coded language about kids being, like, tricked by the adults around them, but like i do not have time to unpack that.

but like jesus christ people. kids are not stupid. they play stupid games and don't know as much about the world as adults do (sometimes), but they're fully capable of making their own decisions and separating reality from fantasy. and like. a kid asking to use a litter box at school would get them bullied so fucking hard. what kid would voluntarily do that to themself??? kids understand that there are social rules you have to abide by or risk rejection.

(i mean i also didn't have time to interrogate the assumption that kids telling people they're a cat is automatically a sign that they're a danger to themselves or others, cos like kids pretend to be animals all the time and it's fucking FINE. and if they genuinely think they're a cat? they probably don't actually think they're a cat, you just can't tell they're fucking with you. but if they DO think they're a cat, how is that your problem? let that kid go be weird and either grow out of it or learn when it's appropriate to talk about it. it's not gonna ruin their life unless you decide to ruin their life for them.)

i know that some people do actually think kids are being indoctrinated by the big scary trans agenda, but for the folks who just think kids are so easily swayed that a single tiktok can convince them they're really an animal? how goddamn insulting. you don't spend the first 18 years of your life a blank slate and then suddenly gain self-awareness when you reach adulthood.

and children having a misconception is not the same as them indelibly stamping that misconception onto their worldview forever. as they learn more information, their understand of the world can change! just like any other goddamn person!

i just. argh. there are SO MANY layers of bullshit here. i'm glad i definitely got my one coworker to understand that story is fake, but those other two....the way they were talking makes me nervous.

i'm not gonna go provoke them into a discussion on trans rights or anything. but like. we know i'm, uh. very passionate about defending children. and i worry that something will come up in the future where i will not be able to hold my tongue. and things will get extremely uncomfortable. and i will wind up in trouble for causing a ruckus.

gonna try and decompress now and not think about that any more tonight. heaven knows i don't need that stress right now.

[notes-of-a-bpd-addict]

WHY I NEVER CAN BE NORMAL insane words off a very high cunt with a personality disorder

tw/ s-word attempts , mention s/h mention , mania mention , drug sex and booze mention

BPD is such a weird thing to explain to people who just don't really get mental illness , people are getting better but small towns are a nightmare the never ending gossip everyone knows someone who knows someone there's no silence no peace you have a manic episode everyone in your circle knows people spoke to you as you broke down in paranoia about everything you love not being real and it actually wanting to hurt you being in such a horrible place you mutual yourself to give you grounding and than its over its just done you don't feel that anymore and then you forget until it haunts back up nagging at you replaying every mental break you've had all the terrible things you've done just for more or because you were caught up in a teenage dirt bag fantasy or sex drugs drinking driving stealing staying out vandalising you let it ruin you every had years for the fantasy got to have their teenage bad years while you started late now your an adult and everyone even the worse ones have cleaned up their act and are doing actual things but you can't get out you talk such a big game but in the ned your trapped in your own brain flung between states of euphoria and crippling fear wasting the very small amount of money you have even trying to turn your life around you're trying to find ways to justify drugs not only pot trying to justify pills and being the only stoner left in a group of friends who don't you can't be the only one who's constantly high even shaggy had the dog for fuck sake this is all a stupid tangent so far to basically some up I don't think I can ever be a person I've always been weird I've never had a healthy realtionship Ive never been single for a long period in time I need someone to love me some to be able to talk to 24/7 someone I can trust more than anything I don't think I can be a person bc I think I have no personality im bad at making friends so I just get a boyfriend and become part of his friend group or his friends girlfriends I always just fall into a fuck mom role im there to be as pretty as I can for one person and play mummy be the calm voice of reason while still a bit fun care for everyone make food for people offer rides be there etc im sick of not getting to be a person I honestly can't remember my life half the time I don't know if its from the insane mood swings and mania of the drug induced vision and probable liver damage from drinking and trying to harm myself I don't feel like a person and everyone is leaving me and I can't follow im going to be back at square one alone

[knowlesian]

quick thought because rewatching the finale for ed means rewatching for stede: god, the ‘is there anything you want to tell me about doug’ / ‘on a whim’ scene with mary and stede kills me every single time and is just... such a perfect and human example of bad communication.

stede enters that exchange wanting mary to confess she’s sleeping with doug, and given his followup doozy of ‘i forgive you’ later in the episode he wants an apology for it.

he does not say: i know you’re sleeping with doug, and knowing that bothers me.

which would be a good thing to say! mary could reply (as i would reply) something along the lines of ‘you thinking you have the right to be bothered by this in a way that ends in you trying to tell me what to do with my body is the kind of shit i am not gonna put up with, so you should quit while you’re behind’.

he does not do that.

instead he goes on a fishing expedition. he doesn’t even just start a conversation: he starts with purposefully clearing his throat, doing it again when the first time fails, loud enough mary has to answer. 

then he comments that she came in late last night (subtext: i know why you came in late) and mary confirms it then tries once again to go back to her newspaper and head off this on-coming train.

then stede does the thing that makes me want to claw my face off, and says "is there anything you want to tell me". (with the follow-up that makes it clear what he means, without him having to say what he means: “say... about doug?”)

for personal reasons i have a lot of trouble dealing with people who do this; outside a few exceptions, that sentence usually translates to ‘i have a problem i want to air, but i’m certainly not going to approach this like a healthy adult in a no-bullshit manner’. and without exception, it always makes me want to snap back ‘NOPE but it sure seems like you fucking do, so why don’t you quit trying to force me to start this conversation for you and say what you gotta say’.

mary apparently feels the same way, and she reads him to hell and back: then she ends on ascribing his actions to whims and it veers left into noooo, don’t do that-ville. her saying that instead of what she actually means (which is: i don’t know why the hell you did this, and i do not know because you never told me why) is understandable, but not the road to take if having a productive discussion is the goal. assigning motive instead of assessing behavior in these situations is a bad call, if only because it allows people to jump on that moment of editorialization and evade your actual point.

(this is also one of those things where how much weight a person puts on the generally accepted implications of the word whim— aka: that there was no reason behind it at all— is gonna change the use of the word, but for now i’ll take whim = he did it for no reason and/or no good reason.)

stede does not factually object to anything mary said. he acknowledges: yeah i did all that, i just object to the word whim re: why i did everything i absolutely did.

and that’s just... oof. now: this is a super human dynamic. when people say to us ‘but i didn’t mean to’ it feels like an excuse; when we say it to others, it feels like context.

mary’s point is not the whim part; assigning motivation is her frustration speaking. (alongside her simple lack of anything else to think, given stede left and then showed back up in fairly short succession, and he did not give her a reason why he did it either time.)

her point is: you left. you came back. you have no right to blow up my life once again, especially not this second time.

stede doesn’t actually engage with that part of what she says. he only quibbles over her use of the word whim.

that’s the point where he reeeally goes wrong. if he had said ‘i swear that it wasn’t on a whim, mary, but you’re right and i’m sorry’ and then explained his reasoning during the resulting conversation that could open up, that engages with the actual point and allows him to explain himself and admit his own pain while also owning that pain we cause is not mitigated by the motivations behind it, only contextualized.

it’s just such a believably bad conversation, where stede sets the tone and mary ends up falling back on bad argument habits herself instead of just focusing on addressing the issues at hand. 

love it, ngl. so good.