#because not a single fucking adult in my life wants to actually explain anything to me

[queerpdsys]

i fucking hate being stupid and never having been taught anything

[evilminji]

Dani should Kidnap The Clones.

It's basicly protective custody. Preemptive child services, if you will. NONE of these fuckers out here makin adorable clone baby just cause they want kids!

*kicks down the door to your shady lab* Knock Knock! ITS THE POLICE! *Walker's Shock troopers swarm the place as Dani secures the kids*

Look me in the eyes. You KNOW he'd love an excuse to enforce The Rules on people technically outside his jurisdiction. It's for The Children(tm)! Why, he simply had no CHOICE!

Meanwhile? Dani is shoving all these mal-adjusted Murder Clones into her Lair? Which is? Basicly a Door style Lair she hid inside Danny's Lair for safe keeping. It's shoved behind a vending machine just outside the observatory. And the inside? Goes on for DAYS.

Like national parks and every beautiful beach she ever came across. She smashed together the BEST sights and places she's found in her travels, like a collection. Always adding more. New waterfalls, new noodle shops, new fields of wine grapes. It's... beautiful. Snapshots of every wonderous little thing about Earth, stitched together.

They can't hurt anyone. Can't achieve their "objectives". Are just treated like actual individuals and the children they truely are. Are surrounded by other Clones. So it's NORMAL here. Just? All of it.

But also?

Dani and Dan? Teaming up to make History's Scariest Adoption Agency(TM). Dan runs it. Dan wants to know why EXACTLY you want a kid. Explain yourself to Dan. What are your references? Qualifications. He's doing a home visit to inspect the premises. He BETTER not find any suspicious Labs.

And? It just? Appears out of nowhere. It's powered by Zone Bullshit. One second you're thinking "oh woe is me D:> I will never have a child to fill my lovely home, because of all my Superhero Secrets and also because government bureaucracy!" And the next?

.....wasn't that an out of business taco bell? "Zone Adoptions"?

"....Free Clone Baby?"

Okay that is HIGHLY suspicious and as a hero you are basicly legally obligated to investigate. But now it's bigger on the inside? Fancy waiting room? You are being interrogated? Wait, no, you're supposed to be the one doing the-?

Somehow? You leave with your Clone Son from another Dimension. And a pamphlet. You're scheduled for a home visit in three days. You... you never told them where you live.

Somehow that doesn't seem like it will slow them down.

Did the Fae just Suprise Baby you with a clone baby? Can they DO that? W... what's happening? What days is this? Who ARE YOU PEOPLE?! HUH!?!?

Just? Imagine. IMAGINE. I was gonna say Bruce... but?

Damian.

He finds himself... pondering What Could Have Been. Had his Clones not wanted him dead. Wondering if he could have saved them. If, perhaps, he had found them as infants. Raised them. Could he have given them a good life? Been a good father?

He gets emotional. Fatherly. He's about 14.

Dan's been around Ghosts too long to remember how humans age or how age relates to development. This one TALKS like An Adult. Must be one. Probably just short.

And Damian? Never backs down. The second Dan starts challenging him? His character is flawless and his morals divine. He has never done anything wrong, ever, in his LIFE. Fuck you. And on TOP of that? He not only will be the SINGLE GREATEST FATHER TO EVER FATHER, his home is the most loving and beloved ON THE PLANET!

In entirety of EARTH'S history, no less!

....what are they arguing about?

*is handed a baby and kicked out of Dan's adoption agency*

See you in a few days!

(o.o ) *happy gurgling from the baby* *Damian.exe has stopped working*

Smash cut, after Damian speed runs his stages of grief at his own Dumbass Life Choices, to his rocking back up at the Manor like? Congratulations, Father. I have brought you your first grandson! Do Not ask how I obtained him. It was likely dubiously legal but I will not be returning him. We have bonded.

And just? Annihilating the collective Bats on one go. You did what? You have What?! That is a baby! WHY IS THERE A BABY?! How is there a baby!? WHOS BABY!? *sirens going off and everyone panicking*

Will Damian be allowed to KEEP the Baby? Ha! Hell no. Bruce will. Damian is a child. But it will be a Needlessly Dramatic Bat Cold War Of Dramatic Drama to pry that small cherubic baby from his grip long enough for Bruce to fill out the paperwork.

Child thieving bastard that he is. How dare he. That is Damian's SON! D:<

*happy oblivious baby noises as Alfred feeds him in the background, while the Bats do their Dramatic Custody War*

@hdgnj @babbling-babull @hypewinter @nerdpoe @lolottes @mutable-manifestation

[copperbadge]

Every so often I get an Anon ask where I'm not entirely comfortable responding in public with no cut or warnings ahead of the text -- it's not that anything inappropriate is being said, it's just sometimes the subject matter's a little rough. This is one of those, so I decided to copy and paste it and put it behind a cut; warnings for discussion of abuse and fraught familial situations.

You've spoken about having ADHD before, and i was wondering if you have any links to websites with resources for adults with ADHD that are more than the very generic "stay organised!", "eat healthily!", "avoid distractions!" things? like, something that explains ADHD and WHY getting organised is good, maybe? or how ADHD may intersect with anxiety? my mother finally went to a doctor and got (as i expected) an ADHD diagnosis, but the doctor told her medication wouldn't give her much at this point, which is fine, but she's just kept going as usual for her, which is not.

she has ignored everything i've told her before (like, to think ahead and prioritise, to make plans, to make lists, that she has to be systematic about it, to stay calm because if she has a plan everything should be done on time) but she ignores me. she just starts doing whatever, whenever, and then getting annoyed/anxious that "nothing" is done, and then she starts yelling at me.

i just want her to realise she MUST at least attempt to be organised, and that it's not just for work stuff, it's for everything, including every day stuff like chores. (also, i'd like to stop being yelled at. like, some of my first memories are of getting yelled at. it's been years and years of regular bouts of screaming. now i know it's her and not me, and i'd. like it to stop)

i apologize for the huge ask/rant, but yeah, do you know of any resources that explain the importance of being organised? i think if i show her something 'official' maybe she'll start doing it. or do you have any personal tips for talking to her about it? or a book about someone's experience with ADHD? anything. anything at all.

So there is...much to unpack here, as the kids say, both in terms of what you are asking directly and what you are not asking but what I'm going to address anyway. I don't have any great resources for what you're looking for, because neurodiversity comes in a lot of shapes and sizes even within a single diagnosis, and as you likely know I'm a big proponent of doing-what-works, and that's something a person has to figure out for themselves. A lot of people seem to find ADDitude very relatable and they are informative, but that's probably the best general resource out there to go deeper than surface, and a good place for her to start reading if she wants to.

But the real problem, Anon, is that she's never going to listen to you.

That seems like a real bold statement, but it is also extremely likely to be true. Most people who get a diagnosis start to work on themselves and learn more about their unique neurology; it's clear she's not going to do that, and you can't make her. I'm sure some of it is that she's been told her entire life, by people with much more power over her than you, to do those things: be organized, make lists, have a plan. They are the hardest things for people with ADHD to do, and she can't simply whip herself through them, and so she learned long ago to ignore anyone saying anything about it. Medication could help with that a lot, actually, so your mother's doctor really fucked you both by telling her it wouldn't do anything for her; whether she's taken that as permission to ignore the problem or whether she just believed him, he did a really shitty thing in doing that.

Your mother is neurologically incapable of forcing herself to do many things that neurotypical people find easy. There are workarounds, yes; some of us do extremely well if we decide that EVERYTHING has to be planned, and behave accordingly. Some of us find stopgaps. But that has to be a decision she makes, to find workarounds for herself. It's not something you can offer her with helpful websites or books, because she is also likely very deep in shame about it, to judge from her other behaviors. That's not your fault, which means it's also not your job to fix it.

And here's the other problem: you are in an abusive home situation where your mother is taking out her frustration with her mental illness by hurting you.

And that really really sucks and I'm really, really sorry. But the screaming-at-you, which absolutely should not be happening, is a result of decades of frustration at the world that won't accommodate her, combined with an inability to regulate her emotions. Unless she is medicated or learns better regulation or at least picks a different target, it's not going to stop. That's not your fault either. Some of it isn't even her fault. (Some of it is; mental illness is not our choice but it is our responsibility, and she is not behaving as either an adult or a parent should in abusing you because she can't find somewhere else to put all her emotions.)

Presumably you are either too young to leave or can't afford to, but the best possible thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as you can, sever yourself from her financially, and then decide what level of interaction you want with her going forward. Honestly, may be the best thing for her as well, to realize that if she doesn't make a change, she will lose access to her child.

I realize that is almost certainly not immediately possible, however. Do not leave if you are going to a less safe situation, either. Be smart and strategic -- make your plans and prepare as much as possible ahead of time.

"So in the meantime, Sam, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

Bearing in mind that we are going to assume you cannot help your mother, as she either doesn't want help or is in denial or both, the best thing you can do if you can't get out is to shore yourself up: remind yourself as regularly as possible that none of this is your fault, and do your best to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. IE, if she's not organized enough to buy groceries or cook, do what you can to make sure you are regularly fed -- do not concern yourself with whether she eats. That's her responsibility, she's a grownup. If you are likely to be yelled at for this -- well, she was always going to yell at you about something; it might as well be as a result of you caring for yourself first. As much as you can, spend time away from her if possible.

Given her past behavior, especially if you are an only child or oldest sibling, you may already be de-facto head of household; this may be simply a process of assuming actively that she can't fulfill that role, and doing what you can to care for yourself and any siblings. If you have other family who understand the situation, I strongly suggest tapping them for help. As much as you can, reach out to adults in your life you trust, and get their help in caring for yourself and your family without needing to depend on her for support.

I don't wish to stigmatize mental illness or addiction but living with someone in denial about the impact of their mental health on those around them is exactly like living with an addict: the best strategy is to expect nothing from them, remind yourself often that you are not to blame for this situation, look out for yourself first and foremost, and get out once you can. I'm really sorry it has to be that way, because it shouldn't be. But I'm concerned with you, not with her, and if you want to build a better life for yourself, it's going to have to be one that doesn't depend on you being able to change someone else.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of books for you about that, either. I wish you all the luck -- you shouldn't need it, but unfortunately sometimes we still do.

[jiraisupportgroup]

hi!! is it so wrong to be a young jirai?

i feel so young in this community and idk what to do.. it feels like if people knew my true age theyd shame me or something. i respect the lifestyle and have felt the most comfort here than ever, but im so scared of people finding out my age and just blocking me

There isn’t anything particularly wrong with being young and in spaces like this - a lot of older people just don’t want to interact with minors for their own comfort (& vice versa). I can’t speak for everyone but there’s a lot of reasons for this. Especially in spaces based around mental health (and even more so with Jirai Kei being a space which isn’t inherently recovery based).

A lot of older landmines will talk about or RB things that are sexual in nature & it can feel kind of weird or gross when people who are much younger interact with posts about that stuff. Some people are also afraid because technically you can get in actual trouble if you’re posting nsfw content and knowing that minors follow you / will see it - although functionally there are hardly ever legal repercussions for this. It can still feel icky.

A lot of older landmines also just have trouble relating to younger landmines - our struggles might be similar but there can also be a lot of differences it really depends on the situation. Like a 20 year old and a 15 year old dealing with even the same issues can look extremely different, and sometimes we just can’t relate. Also the language that we use tends to be a bit different. I notice that it’s much more common for younger people to use more heavily romanticized language when talking about certain issues and a lot of older people can’t really relate because a lot of us are at a point where we’re just so defeated and sick of it. I don’t know how to explain this without giving examples but younger people make certain things look fun and new and exciting and like a thing to do while some of us older people have long past that phase and it’s just like a crushing reality for us at this point. It’s not fun anymore. And seeing people have fun with it can be upsetting for a number of reasons. That’s not specific to minors it’s just kind of a trend I’ve noticed. (I don’t know if I explained that well at all)

Another thing (and idk if this is just me) is that seeing teenagers talk about the same issues we have / had as a teenager is genuinely gut wrenching sometimes. It can be really hard to watch young people go down the same paths we went down and just wanting to scream at them to stop and turn back but knowing there is not a single thing we can do to help them - it can feel extremely disheartening sometimes. Especially on Tumblr bc a lot of us grew up on Tumblr and our illnesses were heavily influenced by the mental health spaces we were in on Tumblr & I mean for me at least I can confidently say that it had a negative impact on my mental health as a teenager and now being older it’s like aaaa fuck I don’t want the vents or things I post being shown to teenagers who could be negatively impacted by it just like I was at their age. Real Catcher in the Rye moment.

& some people just don’t really want to interact with minors. The differences between even 18 year olds and 15 year olds are pretty big. I mean I’m 24 and like I don’t really hang out in real life with people under 19 just kind of naturally - like not in “oh you’re only 18 we can’t hang out” kind of way but we just genuinely tend not to vibe. But again that’s just my personal experience so it’s super different for everyone.

There’s also a lot of minors who don’t want anyone who’s over 18 interacting with them for similar reasons. Often times it’s protection, but a lot of minors find adults annoying or not super relatable, which is just as valid.

Tldr: everyone has different comfort levels. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong or that people just automatically hate you bc of your age, it’s more so like the difference between teenagers & 20 year olds can be pretty big so sometimes they don’t want to interact with each other.

[crossover-enthusiast]

EXPLAIN YOUR CULT IDEAS AS MUCH AS YOU'D LIKE MY DEAR FRIEND

-📺 (ceaarl/gang-with-hatz)

YAYYYY THANK YOU SO MUCH @gang-with-hatz

(under cut bc. This got really long)

Okay so I already made a post about my ex-cultist Mr. Wonder theory so I won't go into that here, HOWEVER-

I'm going to ramble about this specifically because guys. Guys you're missing the prime angst with John's wife guys-

First I'm gonna get Actor out of the way tho

This one is mostly on vibes + clothes, plus him being the only character in SM 1 to not have any sort of major significance as of yet. Also him being a movie star goes with a lot of the cult having jobs/occupations related to things kids like, if Actor's in the cult his movies are prolly meant to target the older teens/adults instead

Also his eyes do the funny when he gets spooked by Ooga Booga in the first episode

Like genuinely Why Is He Built Like That

OKAY NOW ONTO JOHN'S WIFE

John and Lila have a lot of parallels: traumatized widows with a single child. Hope is dead, and John blames himself. Skid has frequently brushed with death in part due to Lila's irresponsibility. They both have a friend who's dumb and reckless but ultimately cares about them

So logically, this would mean that Lila's husband and John's wife would also have parallels, and if Skiddad's part of the cult, then...

I will absolutely admit this was just a silly crack theory/AU-- until I saw her photo from the ARG. It's just incredibly striking to me that the first photo we see of John's wife, the first acknowledgement of her period, has her with her eyes out of frame, not visible, just like Skid's dad. Her clothes, too, a cyan jacket with a dark green shirt and gold hairbands. It just screams cult to me

I'm not saying she was like, the cult's co-leader or anything, but I think she's involved, somehow. Imagine the absolute crushing irony there too, that John has spent so long trying to find out and stop the people that have taken his daughter, his home, his life away from him, only to find that his beloved wife was one of them. That'd just be soul crushing.

Also while I'm yapping I want to briefly touch upon Rick and Frank since I included them here too

I don't think Frank's in the cult. His literal entire thing basically goes against the cult since he actually gives the kids back... eventually. HOWEVER, I've been really warming up to the "undead Frank" theory, particularly the idea that the cult revived him ala Frankenstein's Monster to use him for their own purposes, but Frank still had his own mind (either metaphorically or literally) and fucked off because he didn't want any part of it (I would also like to thank @nonbinaryshotgunman for giving me that idea)

TLDR: he knows the cult exists, but doesn't know the members or what they want

Now for Rick... genuinely there's two ways I see it: either the comedic route where he joins the cult in the last episode as a "job", or the more serious/character focused route where he's a former cultist, and his depression and apathy stem from his time in it

I've just been thinking about it and like. He's worked for Evermore. He's worked at the Candy Club, which we now know is owned by the Candy Dealer. He's worked at the mall, which is a hotspot to sell Happy Fellas, which may or may not be connected to the cult. The only job Rick's had in the show itself so far that is 100% not connected to the cult is when he worked at the theater, and Radford more than likely helped get him hired

Somehow someway Rick keeps getting jobs that are in some way connected to the cult. I feel like it has to mean something. Plus again, main associated color is red, cult colors. Something I also find super interesting is that his toy counterpart in the SM 4 credits has gold rims on his shirt, which aren't actually there in his normal/casual outfit, implying his original design had them at one point but this got changed sometime before the TT merch ad

Okay I'm done yapping (for now). Thank you again SO so much I LOVE just talking about theory shit

[mylifeisjustafeverdream]

A Retelling of My Mind Whilst Reading Shadow Kissed-

Omg it's the Sixth Sense up in this bitch

Bitch when are you ever "just tired" when weird shit starts happening to you, I swear to fuck.

Rose is so me because I too would rather die than spend an extended amount of time with my best friends boyfriend.

Eddie Castile the man that you are.

From the bottom of my heart I hope Jesse gets his shit rocked.

Omg Rose girl do something, ANYTHING. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US.

Least Favorite Trope: Entire plot would be resolved if this dumbass just like communicated the issues she is having OMFG.

If Rose Hathaway has no haters all her teachers must be dead because wtf is their issue???

Homegirl is unstable at best.

I feel like at this point she should probably go to where Mason the Friendly Ghost is pointing.

Girly-pop that's not a migraine....

I do not fucking trust that bitch Tatianna

*Viktor explains master plan* "Cool motive still murder"

*Law and Order sounds*

HE JUST SAID THAT SHIT IN OPEN COURT IT'S ON THE RECORD

How much of an asshole do you have to be that it's more believable that you're lying than a crime having actually happened lol

Lissa is so clueless it's kinda funny.

You know what I hope Rose fucks Adrienne and gets pregnant just to spite Tatianna.

She wants her nails done omg she's just a girl 🥺

*starts looking at my tarot book to see if this is accurate*

I love when Dimitri starts lore dropping to Rose

Well.... I think they know about the ghosts now.

That doctor is the only rational adult at the school cause literally why tf didn't she talk to a counselor.

Her therapist just clocked her so hard.

Well that's an unfortunate fact about Shadow Kissed Anna

Dimitri took part in that attack exercise specifically so she would hop on it lmao

Can't even celebrate for a moment before Lissa is off doing something dumb I swear to god

Lissa try not to get tortured challenge go

*New power unlocked*

YES ROSE BEAT HIS ASS GIRL......oh shit.....GIRL YOU GOT HIM IT'S GOOD.

She's like a feral cat.... Dimitri should use a spray bottle.

Oh my GOD IT'S HAPPENING EVERYONE REMAIN FUCKING CALM

Girl you gotta give me more details than that PLEASE

"My body ached" that'll happen when your first time is with a 6'7 Russian built like a tank

CAN WE NOT HAVE ONE GOD DAMN MOMENT OF PEACE

Girl I'm gonna throw up he's all alone out there.

CHRISTIAN OZERA THE MAN THAT YOU ARE

HE DIDN'T DIE THANK FUCK

Mason upstaging Dimitri even from the afterlife that's my man right there.

SECRET TUNNELS, SECRET TUNNELS THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS

The uncanny ability that 17 year old female herions have to radicalize societies is amazing

Do y'all think Dimitri came up with that life plan while he was fighting the strigoi?

"You're scared of my mother" um yea girl she's fs going to catch an attempted murder charge once she finds out.

*Clenched my jaw so tight during the cave fight it started to hurt*

Oh my God girl stop internal monologuing about how everything is going to work out THAT ALWAYS GOES POORLY

Oh God it's that blonde bitch from earlier this is going to be so much worse than him being dead.

Rose: *literally tries to throw herself back into a vicious attack just to save Dimitri's body*

Everyone Else: She just respected him as a teacher so much there's no other possible explanation.

Lissa clocking what was happening with Rose and Dimitri just now is like when someone steals the answer on Wheel of Fortune after the other contestant mispronounced the phrase

*Knows it's definitely going to happen* "Dimitri is a strigoi"*gasps*

I'm shocked they didn't grab like a single Guardian teacher to try and talk down Rose like why tf did they think Kirova would have any affect.

I know it's not malicious on Lissa's part but I'm glad Rose is finally speaking about how one sided this relationship is.

"Off to kill the man I love" oh this next book is going to fuck me up.

[weirdestcornelius]

president meat is my favorite character bc he is in such a Horrible Situation and i don't even know if kneeby intended it.

like. ok. some facts.

meat is 52. he is on his sixth term. each term is 5 years long. he has been president for 30 years.

meat has been in office since he was 22.

of course hes nervous!!!! hes the face of a tyranny- because there is no. fucking. WAY he is actually running anything. he is stuck in a position of immense power with no way out without severe consequences. i literally can't stop thinking about him. whos puppeting him? whats the goal? has it always been this bad? does he have any family, any friends? anyone he knows that isn't using him?

i think about him so often. he was 22. he had his whole life ahead of him. do you think he knows about the hospital? no wonder he handled it the way he did in cometcare. how much of himself has he been forced to hide. he was 22. hes spent 30 years like this. im not saying hes completely innocent but dear lord hes just a pawn. he has to be. theres no way this could happen otherwise. 30 years.

im so bad at typing out coherent thoughts i promise if i was able to physically speak words we'd be here for hours

Honestly I can agree with you by saying that there's no way Meat is in control of everything. No SANE person would want to stay in the office for 30 YEARS. He was nothing but a young adult when he first got in, so if I had to give a theory it's that Meat doesn't WANT to stay in the office, but he's being forced to/has to in order to cover something up.

For all we know he could be in alliance with Cuddles, which would explain in more detail how Cometcare turned out the way it did. The family specifically states that they didn't see Cuddles during the hearings, and they're still not sure what happened to him. Barry was FORCED to apologize to Cuddles during the hearing. From what I can assume the hearings were not public for obvious reasons (the public was told the hospital shut down because of financial problems) so. Why did Barry have to do that???

I feel like Meat is a good chance to explore a morally gray character. He doesn't seem "good" per say by ANY means. We can tell that easily because of the way he handled everything in Cometcare. But he is just SO NERVOUS all of the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually a pawn like you said he was. No president that is proud of their role or even just comfortable being president would look like that. Hell, even in his official reference sheet he looks scrunched up, sweaty, and nervous. He doesn't like his job, that's for sure; so why is he still president? Why is the public not angry that they've had the same single person controlling them for THIRTY YEARS? Is there not a cap on the terms one person can serve like in the U.S? Or maybe there IS outrage at how long he's served, and we just haven't seen it yet?

Meat is an interesting character. I hope Kc uses him to make a dynamic, morally gray character instead of what has happened to other characters in Sparklecare. I want to see more of him.

[azuresins]

Azure, male, he/him, adult 30+ I wrote the "Real Ciel Poison Theory" and the "Fenian Name Theory." Above are current and updated links to both.

Before you send me an ask, please check this F.A.Q. below.

Q: What about the names "Sirius" or "Astre" or (other name)? A: They're great... What about them? Unless you have evidence to refute anything I've said, or can explain why either of them are more likely choices within the narrative, do not message me about this. I've yet to be convinced.

Q: I don't agree with your perception of "Real Ciel" because a five-year-old wouldn't do that. A: I've answered this before many times, but sadly, that's not true at all. Here's my current view on the matter. Q: Are you selling Phantomhive Ring replicas? A: No I'm not, please see this previously answered ask for further explanation. The Ring is not for sale and wasn't made with the intention to be sold or replicated.

Q: Are you selling/sharing the 3D model of the ring? A: Short answer is, no. Long answer is... I do not have the model file. However, it is also not for sale. It is not something that is going to be shared for any reason at any price, unless you're Yana Toboso. Even if your intentions are pure and you actually only intend to print a single ring, understand I trust no one. There is virtually nothing stopping someone from sharing it with whoever they feel like for free, or going into business trying to make Phantomhive Rings themselves; printing them/putting them together with cheaper materials. That's not something I'm interested in, which is why I'm not doing it myself, and I am much less interested in giving someone the tool to do it themselves. There are other jewelry makers on Esty and otherwise who have tried to put their spin on replicating the ring, and there's also the official one. Also very important: THIS RING WILL NOT EVEN PRINT TO SPEC UNLESS IT'S ON A VERY SPECIFIC MACHINE LOCATED IN BELGIUM. I imagine if you tried to print it on a different Machine, it would not turn out well and I have no promise it would print without a flaw again. Also... you'd have to heavily modify this file to get the ring size you want, and @noirserviteur worked hard on it. I don't want anyone to modify a single thing.

Q: Do you roleplay? A: Only privately, sorry! Q: Are you on tiktok or twitter? A: No, I am on discord but please message privately for it. Q: Can I repost your art or gifs, even with credit? A: No. Q: Can I use your edits, art, or gifs as a header/background for my own blog? A: You may, as long as it's not a part of my custom theme. Q: Can I create something inspired by your art? A: Of course, please do! Q: Can I write fanfics/make art based on your theories or headcanons? Can I expand upon any of them? A: Of course you can, please do, I love this. Q: They talk about you/your theories on twitter and tiktok sometimes. A: I'm aware! Thank you to those who are kind and fuck you to those who aren't! Q: ...Who is @noirserviteur and who are they to you? A: I have no idea who this man is... I've never talked to him before in my life. Q: Are you even Irish? A: My nationality is American, I'm Scottish on my mom's paternal side for the most part but there's a pinch of Irish in my family history. I have a lot going on within my family history. Q: Why do you care about Ireland so much? A: A better question, why don't YOU care about Ireland? Q: Are you an anti or proship? A: I'm tired. Very. Tired.

[hellhousellc]

gonna try to explain all my feelings after watching ep 5 of the second season of tsitp stay w me...

so okay first of all i am a jeremiah girlie from day one but i have to say that man can NOT narrate in a compelling way to save his life... and all the close ups of him staring at people silently with the voice over in the background... giving demonic miley

but ANYWAYS onto the actual like... drama?

FIRST OF ALL am i the only one who remembers conrad telling belly that jeremiah seemed to "be okay" and that he "moved on" and "was dating people" ???????????? WHERE LMAO he clearly was pissed off and if you maybe would have cared enough to visit more than once and actually have a conversation with him instead of just asking if it was okay to date the girl he loved and then fleeing out of there you would have noticed?

like actually that's the part i hate the most about the show. these two teenagers were in the process of losing their mom and decided that it would be a good idea to just fuck it all up between each other and with their closest friends for shits and giggles?? and no adult had anything to say about it? they even supported it? and everyone around them was silently letting them ruin their relationship for a teenage romance??? kay????? jeremiah literally threw a fucking firework like super close to conrad and belly's heads PLEASE IS THERE ANY ADULT IN THE ROOM RN????

because like, i get crushing on the same girl. i get it you're teenagers hormones or whatever. but what person would actually like care so little about their siblings to SEE how heartbroken they are and still persue a relationship with their love interest? and not only that but also lie about how said sibling feels so the relationship can happen (since the love interest didn't want to hurt them so they were keeping their distance) and then be all lovey with said love interest in front of their sibling and act all shocked when the sibling tries and set boundaries???? you're in college bitch time to grow up!!!! you're dating a 16 yo that your brother is in love with you weirdogo listen to olivia rodrigo she says it all

but anyways that being said let me tell you that i was trying to actually like remember how much screentime conrad and belly had as an actual like pairing. not belly pining after him and him acting all moody and disgusting (= the entire first season) but actual content about the two of them forming a bond and strenghtening it. there's none of that. first few episodes we see belly with cam cameron and jeremiah and like maybe 2 minutes of interactions with conrad, and the last few ones he finally decides that she actually exists but still fucks up every single time.

and then in the second season we get their whole like weird romance during the year where he (18 yo college man) goes to her (16 yo) house and takes her away (without her mother's permission) to the beach where they proceed to have sex :) so fun! (at this point i'm BEGGING for some adult supervision) and he treats her like shit the rest of the time and acts like being with her is a burden and i KNOW his mom was dying but then just break up??? she's not your punching bag??? and then she acts SO OUT OF PLACE at the funeral they are so toxic it's infuriating!!!!!!!!!

meanwhile we see jeremiah being there for her again and again and giving her the teenage romance she (16 yo!!!!!!!!!!!) deserves and being happy and making her happy and all she does is hurt him like did you REALLY need to break up with him the same night he FOUND OUT HIS MOM HAD CANCER AND WAS DYING? and not only that but tell him you CHEATED ON HIM WITH HIS BROTHER????? (who was also unaware of their relationship)

but then after all of this jeremiah still tries to move on and steps up for his family because his older brother was too busy stuck in his own head and fucking a minor to actually care about his dying mother and his teenage brother and would only appear when he wanted to i guess hurt his brother even more by shoving his relationship with belly on his face????

and jeremiah still goes and looks for him when he decides that the best thing he can do after showing clear signs of depression is disappearing months after their mom died without giving his brother a clue or at least letting him know he's safe

so now jeremiah has to face not only his shitty brother but also the girl who broke his heart and she has the neeeeeeeeeeerve to try and start things with him ONCE AGAIN????? AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN HE TURNS HER DOWN?????????????????????

i'm having such a hard time y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't even get me started on steven "i'm in love with my girlfriend and treat the girl who likes me like shit but wait my girfriend broke up with me :( and the girl who likes me moved on and has a new boyfriend now :( i need to get her back on track IMMEDIATELY and make her obsess over me AGAIN or my dick will fall off :(" whatever his last name is

ALSO and last one stop hating the boys' cousin just because of their gender you WEIRDOS and their mom is actually right??? she has no need for the house it's only a waste of her money and if conrad and jeremiah's father is a shitty man who cheats on his dying wife and won't give them the only thing that would make them happy (and it's their money so fuck you they can do whatever with it) (and i'm sorry but am i the only one who's catching on the fact that she's clearly communicating with their dad and is not making any choices alone?? like she obviously tried and failed to sell the house to him because he's an ASSHOLE and made it abundantly clear meanwhile she's doing what she can with what she has) then maybe take it out on him and not on a woman who is doing nothing but what's best for her and her family by selling a house that holds a lot of trauma for her okay??? okay

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

I bought a reading from ancientgoddessofegypt and I am late with my review I promised due to literal failing health and I wanted my review to be perfect for her due to her kindness, talent, speed, and AUTOMATIC SUPER SONIC HYPNOTIC FUNKY FRESH talent and so I am using lyrics as the 90s baby I am.

And emojis cos I right now cannot toss actual biodegradable glitter at her and plan a super cool party in her honor because

1. I'm fucking broke

2. I'm actually dying. Cancer, tumors, PCOS or endo? They dunno but they said they'll get back to me soon! And it was rude of me asking for results at 5pm on Friday. She really did hang up on me.

3. I am 32 and I wanted to see BTS in 2025 and after being suicidal since I was 9 and holding on for so long and now to maybe having cancer and dying before 2025 BTS TIME is lowkey annoying me. I didn't even unwrap my YOONGI MERCH I GOT WHEN MY ASS HAD MONEY BEFORE I GOT SICK.

4. I really said fuck it we ball, and now I might not get to ball? Ain't that bout a bitch.

BUT HER READING WAS THE BESTEST EVER AND I AM BEGGING YOU TO NEVER EVER ADVERTISE ON ETSY FUCK YOU ETSY AND YOU ARE MORE THAN A STAR YOU ARE TALENTED AND KIND AND KINDNESS IS SO RARE THAT I REALLY DO THINK I GAVE WON LOTTO WHEN SOMEONE GOES I HEAR YOU.

When I tell y'all that I was told by my sperm donor today that my dying is upsetting to him because I never told him about my "health problems" and I said wait. I have told you since I was in the single digits and you always replied "I don't wanna hear that shit" and I went? Then how am I suppose to tell you I am dying? "YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS FOR A PAST MISTAKE"

*looks into the camera like the office*

Me informing you of my weak immune system and doing so for 32 years of you knowing me and saying to shut the fuck up if I mention pain is a wild take to have when the pain finally means dying, but ok!

I have literally had several seizures, a constanr fever, and I now have no immune system, and I went damn I ain't even gonna see BTS in 2025 and now I'm in trouble for being sick in the open while in charge of 3 disabled adults with no money.

My tone of dying offendes him.

He went on to blame my poor mental health and believing him when he said he studied my ADHD.

He literally said, no! It WAS YOUR JOB TO INFORM ME OF YOUR SYMPTOMS BUT YOU JUST JUMP SUBJECT TO SUBJECT AND RANT WHEN I ASK FOR HELP.

I really did give up on life there I did. Because I then asked, so me saying several things in several sentences to explain 32 years of health problems is making you angry and making you feel bad because I said I am now dying due to you ignoring my health and I wanted to know what I can do for you and mom before I die since I am well, dying.

Me dying from problems I continued to tell you about and you kept telling me it was rude to talk about and unladylike is now my fault? Because I should have said it nicer?

When I cried in pain you told me to shut the fuck up.

When I went quiet you yelled at me saying I was a bitch.

Now I am dying and don't look pretty, and you're upset I closed my door to cry about me dying.

While I am literally cleaning up your liquid shit, mom's pee stained mattress, and now grandma's dementia and novody left me money to do antthing but a text saying God Bless ajd WATCH YOUR TONE!

I'm laughing because deadass, God forbid women do anything.

Tumblr, am I the asshole for asking how I can continue to be of perfect daughter service although I am actively dying and trying to inform parents of said dying when for years they told me to "shut the fuck up" and "all you young people do is talk about death"!

Doesn't matter now folks. I am out of time soon unless some deity steps in, the USA healthcare system thinks of black women as humans, and I can afford said treatment.

But wild how me dying and not looking pretty got the VA doctors to step in and finally ask for extra testing because "hmmm you have little to no immune system and this will hurt your chance of becoming pregnant" let's take a look?

I asked for help for over a decade now, and was told help would arrive when my husband and I want children and I do not get pregnant quickly.

I'm 32, a virgin, and asexual. But thank you for that solid medical advice.

Red state? Well technically the world thinks Georgia is purple aka red and blue and a swing state, but I've been here since I was in 6th grade and it's absolutely red.

But you're black?

Yes. And the black people here are mainly red. And Christian. I am not.

"Move?"

Chronic pain and several disabilities not taken serious because I am "pretty, smart, and have a smart phone". I have literally less than $1000 in my bank account and at this point I'm just drinking energy drinks and buying my cat whatever she wants.

Yoongi, my bestie in my head, the fucking way I might not get to see you in person again with the whole BTS squad and Halsey...

I really said fuck it, we ball, and the universe said girl... The thing is...

Yoongi, bro I got this new galaxy z flip4 with the last of my savings (shoutout to backmarket for letting me coupon while dying awoman) and i only update my phone every 3-5 years and only for under $300 lmaooooo and bro...

Min Yoongi I don't even get to write you a sticky note saying "please wear saftey glasses when sanding wood, the dust can be harmful to your eyes and if i had a wood shop class you would be escorted out for not having glasses on and if you said but it's not big deal i would go 🫥 and nod and smile.

And because I LOVE YOU i am going to be in the spirit of Swag Surfin for you. But my heart? I am going this dumbass water sign really on the front row of Samsung who I thought he owned in 2021 but he don't, and he not gonna own it cos he thinks sanding wood WITHOUT glasses is no big deal. All purple everything frfr but bro... What the fuck. i gotta get him to be safe with wood and DUST i am... bro... the dust! Samsung ceos Min Yoongi is the best at rapping and being cool forgive his woodwork vlogs without safety glasses i know in his HEART THAT IS FULL OF PURPLE LOVE is committed to greatness. (please help me use this z flip 4 phone b4 i die i'mma figure it out)

someone: she's dying and beefing with a kpop dude not wearing safety goggles while in a wood working area and sanding? am i reading this review of services correct? 🤔🤔🤔

yeah. libra sun libra mercury libra mars. scorpio rising. lilith in capricorn. virgo moon. iconic huh? 😉

i wanna be in a pink jumpsuit recycling in Barbie land with pink safety equipment. but i'm in the real world and was shoved to the air force for being too smart and conviently poor.

the usa doesn't have a conscription its so much better than south korea hehehe says the online western chatter

Shoutout to us niggas in the usa, and when i say us niggas, i mean us black girlies who were told we talk too white and we better NOT have a baby with our fast ass and you better do better than them cos they not gonna listen to you anyways, oh and fuck your man hating ass for thinking your father and brother and male family members should treat others with respect! ya lil oreo ass think you too good now thinkin you know things. God don't like ugly! and you thinkin that sex without consent is rape is crazy talk and you need to mind ya fuckin business and what the fuck you mean i'm abusive? I GAVE YOU FOOD CLOTHING AND TOYS AND NOW YOU WANNA BRING UP OLD SHIT ABOUT ME NOT BELIEVING YOUR PAIN? WELL I DID THE BEST I COULD AND YOU YOUNG FOLKS TODAY THINK DEATH DEATH DEATH AND THE TIKITY TOK AND HUMAN RIGHTS AND THE WHITE MAN GOT TO RAPE FOR YEARS AND GET AWAY ON TV WITH IT BUT OUR MEN GET IN TROUBLE? NOW?SEEM LIKE BULLSHIT TO ME! WHY YOU KEEPING A BROTHA DOWN????? WE ALL WE GOT. IF YOU JUST KEEP GOD IN YOUR HEART AND STOP LISTENIN TO THEM LIL GAY ASS KPOP BOYS WITH MAKEUP YOU'D KNOW. AND BELIEVE HER? SHE WAS THE ONE WITH WEAVE DOWN TO HER ASS AND AT THE CLUB AT 2AM SHE SHOULDA KEPT HER BLACK ASS IN THE HOUSE MAKIN HER PUSSY MUSIC SEE Y'ALL WANT EQUAL RIGHTS BUT IF I HIT YOU YOU WANNA CRY FOUL SEE THATS THAT BULLSHIT YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BITCH. ANYWAYS DO YOU. I KNOW WHATS RIGHT.

*applauds Tyler Perry movie of a black man mocking a black woman in a dress*

*applauds Kanye for speaking the truth about "the Jews"*

*says black women should know better than to leave home at night, on the weekends, at rush hour, during the holidays, and while being alone*

*makes fun of darker skinned black women*

*frames Bull Cosby as innocent and Aaliyah was a whore who asked for it and her parents signed the papers so what can you do*

*i'm not against the gays* *calls crying bitch ass behavior*

*judges black women for hair(all hair, long short curly straight she should know better either way)*

*if you read the poor dad rich dad book then you'd be somewhere*

*yells at cashier for not smiling* so you don't want a job? entitled bitch doesn't deserve $15 for standing there!* worker not getting even $10 but go off i guess?

*when you having kids? i wanna spoil someone now*

*You always bringing up that man hating white women shit.*

I asked for equality and you said I hated men. You told me she's a whore, and she's a man hating dyke bitch. She's pretty and she's ugly for thinking she is pretty.

She better take care of her whole family, and start her own while being independent and knowing her place, under the Man.

Questions? Disobience. Liberal arts bullshit.

Black Lives Matter. BOUT DAMN TIME.

Black women? Well you see.... She wore this and sure girl power but not like that, and what do you mean this is bad? she asked for it being in the dark in the movies in room with men in that building in that lip gloss in that area without an alarm without a gun she knew better!

I don't know any black men who has mistreated a girl like that! she lyin! i can tell by the way she looks. lyin ass raggity black bitch. this why black men hate y'all lil weavealicious black bitter bitches.

"i'm sick of trump and his bullshit shit." *parrots trump talking points word for word* no this different because i have never hit your mother even though i should have beat her ass for the way she talked to me and i told her everyday to be thankful i don't hit her and that me calling her stupid isn't so bad because other women have marks so fuck you for saying i hate women when i forgave my nephew for sexually assaulting several women because God said forgive and that is MY opinion!

he, my black dark skinned father and light skinned black mother says "we all we got" and i am just an oversensitive bitter man hating bitch who needs to calm down cos other people have it worse.

we. all. we. got.

then i ain't got shit huh.

Anyways it be ya own squad.

Dying at this point would be a relief from the hell that has been being a black woman in the USA in the last 32 years.

But the love reading i got gave me strength to speak up about my troubles to one more person and the woman started a direct case for getting me help.

i'll keep y'all updated if you want.

if this is confusing i am sorry frfr but at this point i'm lowkey not caring about typos

and i am so sorry my samsung homies but the emojis...

whew... they ugly.

Yoongi. Yoongi. Yoongi

i turnedback on my old ass cheap ass iphone and got a new number within like 15 hrs of switching to samsung.

the way my libra ass couponed 2 phones and under $50 for 2 phone lines is kinda iconic for a dying poor bitch huh! 🤌🏾

😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😎🧐🤠

i just wanted to use the cowboy emoji cos heehaw and i was a horse girl and this could probably explain so much if i thought about it more but i'm not cos i'm sleepy and found a cherry vanilla coke and i wanna play the bts island game. add me borahae hoes everyone welcome soon as i remember my login in

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💓💓💓💓💗💗💖🩷💖💞💞💕💕💕❣️❣️💟💘💘💘💌💌💌🩷🩷🩷💜🧡🩵🧡💙💛💚💛💚💛💜🧡🤎🩷❤️💞❤️🩷💥💥💥💫💫💫💯💯💯💯💯

buy her reading i am so serious.

like i am literally wanting to know how much more time i have left from testing for several varioua bad outcomes and i am using my time to write this I AM SO SORRY I AM LATE SIS I REALLY AM!!!!!

OMG I LOVE YOU!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW BABES I LOVE THIS <33333333

[lunarain0918]

Falling hard for people you've never met

Specifically made this account for my over thinking lol. Okay so 3 years I met two amazing people. To say that they changed my life is kinda an understatement, which does sound stupid. So first lets start with boy 1. boy 1 and boy 2 where bestfriends. I dont rallly remember how they met its whatevs. so me and boy 1 got really close and we texted eachother for about a year every single day. I mean there was not one second we werent talking. I never really got close to boy 2 which i knew he had some weird atraction towards me. I was also really young and naive and would let every remark that they said towards me slide. Like bro i was so blinded at it, when i first turned 19 i forgot about them somehwhat. i would still think about them from time to time. But when i first got to college i made the smartest decision to delete both of them days after they contacted me first. Now a couplde months later, i get a notification that boy 2 added me. my dumbass added him back then i think we talked for like 1 day and went back to no contact. After i turned 20 i noticed him starting to watch all my socials all the time and i wanted to text him to catch up but it was NOT worth it, so i didnt. Couple months later, i am back in college and i made the stupid decision to add boy 1 on social, which again was stupid but i did. This was like the day before spring break and me and my friend decided to be stupid that night and like stalk literally everyone and their baby mommas swear. We honestly could be like secret spys or something my god. Anyways the day of springbreak i unadded him because he didnt accept it. BLAH BLAH BLAh. anyways again one night with me and said friend i decided to text boy 2 and of course they are bestfriends so he texted boy 1 so he added me back. Also sorry if i sound incompetent in some sentences i am very gone. Anyways me and boy 2 text eveyday ish, then it started getting slower and slower and i remember getting mad at myself because i am letting this happen AGAIN sam situation different friend. Let me also explain me and boy 1 relationship was so confusing towards me because we didnt act like friends but less than a relationship typa deal. There are so many things i just now learned, three years later about boy 2 and it scared me and i told myself not to do the same shit again but i did lmao, no surprise and i hate myself for that. I tried excusing their behavor at certain time towards me, but there is only a certain limit your body can handle. It was weird that my body knew what was going to happen before i actually knew until that moment. In life your always going to meet people, and you really dont know if they are considered a lesson to teach you something, ot if they are going to be in your life completely. Which sucks because im impatiant and i always end up getting hurt. I finally started standing up for myself and not scared to speak up for myself. Thats new for me, people cant walk all over me anymore and ive never felt so alone. Let me expalin that. When you start actually saying something and people finally realize that youll sya something back is when they leave. They no longer have that power over you and they know that. I feel alone not lonely, better to not deal with people actions and not allow yourself to feel like that again. I devoted 3 years of my life towards them and im never allowing myself to be in an relationship or friendship, or whatever the fuck that was that constitely leaves me confused after every conversation. Im a new adult and i never want to go through that again, but once again i ahve a whole life ahead of me that its really inevetable, which sucks but character developemtn i guess. I do want to say that for both of them this is an apology for not meeting yall later on and not when i was so young. I think thats what kinda ruined in but i cant change anything about that. I dont regret that we met im actually glad i expirienced that with the both of them, but i think its time to move on. I say that but i know if they both texted me right now i would respond in an instant.

[harbingrs]

Description of intense moral OCD thoughts/scenarios under the read more, including self-harming and suicidal ideation

Please don't read if this may be triggering for you or be detrimental to your own mental health

This has actually been a lifelong issue for me - I used to get panic attacks as a child in elementary school, thinking about wanting to help other people, but feeling like nothing would ever be enough.

If I had a single dollar then I'd be capable of giving it away to someone who needs it more, so how could I ever justify doing anything BUT giving all my money away? How could I ever cope with having money as an adult and choosing not to donate it? This used to terrify me so much - even as a kid I felt a complete loss of control over just Needing to give everything away.

Hell, wouldn't it be selfish to buy food for myself when others are starving? That's valuing my life over theirs and I can't live with that scenario. But then I figured that if I died, I couldn't donate any money that way, so I had to stay alive in order to earn money and give it away.

And this was in /elementary school/ - I was already terrified about the future because of this internal demand, feeling like anything less than perfect self-sacrifice I couldn't live with.

I know how fucking ridiculous it is, but if I start down that path even today, I still feel the same way. It's not a choice or me just being completely, cringe-worthily dramatic, because I'm fully self-aware about how it sounds. It's like something that's installed in my brain that holds me to that standard at gunpoint, something that isn't just Me or my feelings or values.

It was hell when I was working in a 'sustainable living' business because every little day-to-day decision is moralised - every food, every purchase, every part of your daily routine is a chance to Do Better. The distress and anxiety is constant and if I follow that path of trying to do the right thing, I will end up at 'I can't justify staying alive because I'm inherently doing net harm that I can't avoid, even if I put all my time and energy and money towards mitigating it'.

And again - it sounds absurdly dramatic, but it's not from a place of rational thinking or any kind of reasoning at all, it's chasing that distress until you find out what it would REALLY take to stop it for good.

That's the kicker, and how it can escalate so badly - because as soon as you ask OCD the question of 'what would it really, finally take for this distress to stop, not for the moment, but to finally be Good Enough Forever?' the answer is going to be something completely batshit by definition. If you're following the path of doing what your OCD wants, and your OCD will always be raising the bar, it's always going to be something beyond ridiculous.

And it's not just in the scrupulosity department - I have the same feelings about personal relationships. I obsess over all the ways I could be harming or burdening people close to me, but if I follow that OCD spiral to its ultimate conclusion, the only way to make sure I NEVER negatively impact someone is to cut them off. And even then, I won't be able to undo any harm or burden I've caused in the past, which leaves me completely inconsolable and desperate for a way (ie. compulsion) to Atone and Cancel It Out.

Which again, looks EXACTLY like BPD behaviour on the surface - erratic mood swings, suddenly pushing people away, distorted self-image, suicidal and self-harming behaviour

I never know how to end posts but it is all genuinely just A Lot and there's so much shame in being a grown adult and having such extreme thoughts like "I can't justify my own existence when it's doing net harm" and being both aware of how ridiculous it sounds AND not being able to explain how deadly serious it is, that it feels like a complete moral imperative and you will never know a moment of peace until you achieve Perfection (donating all your earthy possessions, dying to protect the earth from your carbon emissions, cutting yourself off from all human interaction so you can never be an inconvenience or a burden)

For those without OCD its so hard to explain how I can be aware it's ridiculous and not something I would ever expect anyone to do, but at the same time it's so completely serious, like a force inside you that compels you to do what it wants. I feel it as a physical sensation, like a nausea, and I can never fully explain it in a way that makes sense, especislly if someone's telling me "you don't need to be perfect to be close to other people" and I can't explain "I know this but I also Have To, I Have To cut this off to make it right and I can't explain why but this is the standard I have to live to do the right thing"

Descriptions that talk about the obsessive-compulsive cycle as an increasing anxiety and performing an action to address the anxiety.... I think gives a misleading picture that the 'anxiety' is similar to the broader emotion or what's felt in Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and so people assume it can be addressed or worked through with the same methods, but for me it's most definitely not (and I experience that kind of anxiety too)

For me it's more like a) a magnetic force propelling me to do something - like the feeling of pushing two opposing magnets together, but in my chest and emotions; and b) something I just Know, that feels like an absolute, but it isn't coming from logical reasoning ot my actual beliefs or values, its just There.

That's the other misconception about it being an 'intrusive thought' - that it's like a voice over a loudspeaker that you can ignore or tune out. But for me it's more like "this is what I have to do and I just Know, I just Feel It" - it feels like a complete absolute about life and the universe, but it's not a Belief that comes from my own thoughts or values, it's just /there/

And I'm still capable of knowing that it's not how things work. I know that nobody has to be perfect and make sure they never negatively impact other people or the world around them to justify existing - that's absolutely not something I think or believe. I don't even believe that anyone or anything (eg. a higher power) is out there setting a standard of moral behaviour to meet, let alone targeting me specifically with rules that don't apply to anyone else.

It's not that I don't know these things or my experience of reality has changed - which also makes it different from a delusion (as is the full picture of OCD compared to psychosis). But in the moment, my inner feeling of I Just Know /overrides/ everything else - it's just There telling me what I Have To Do and it feels more compelling than anything else in the moment. No other 'evidence' or logic can be stronger to me than just Knowing, especially when I'm feeling thst magnetic push to do the thing I know I Need To. And it's even more distressing not to be able to explain it to anyone else in the moment.

But I think that's why calling it 'anxiety' and compulsions things that 'relieve the anxiety' can misrepresent it a bit. And I do have other obsessions/compulsions that feel a bit more like a regular anxiety/intrusive thought experience, typically because they're smaller peripheral things, like OCD side quests where it just kinds leaks out. For me that's germ issues or my brain going 'if you use that colour on your lamp it's gonna manifest freaky shit in your house" - while those same issues can be debilitating for some, it's not my big OCD theme, and so it's easier for me to work on breaking the cycles and practice getting through the distress and managing my feelings around the smaller ones.

But my big themes are a whole different story, and it's no coincidence that they're both deeply tied to what matters to me (doing good, being good to the people I care about, avoiding doing harm) and very big on the uncertainty (ie. the subjectivity of morality and what it means to be a 'good person') as well as having deep roots in my own trauma history

It's easy to see why those big themes have such a hold on me because my core values DO play into it - it's vitally important to me to do good and not to hurt people. That outcome really is a catastrophic thing to me - it's easier to make myself sit with uncertainty and discomfort about potentially eating something germy or seeing something scary in the mirror at night than it is to get myself to be complacent about being selfish and hurting other people.

It's so hard to even /start/ dealing with this better when the rhetoric is "you have to do the right thing whatever it takes, no excuses" and "you have to address and overcome this issue that's getting in the way so you can do the right thing" - which still just enshrines doing the activism etc at all costs as the end goal. It reinforces the exact concept behind the OCD and you can't recover from it in order to finally satisfy the OCD.

Recovering from moral OCD means learning to live with the uncertainty re: being a good person, and no longer needing to prove or pursue Goodness, and no longer needing to even JUSTIFY not pursuing it. Because what I'm doing right here - unpacking all this, trying to justify why I'm not doing the Good Person compulsions, why I need to not do them, is also a moral OCD compulsion.

As long as I feel the need to balance out my inadequate activism with feeling really bad about it, with how badly I want to be able to, with how awful and guilty I feel about being this way - I am also feeding the cycle. But it feels completely monstrous to even say 'I need to not feel bad about not doing good things, this is something I need to aim for'. I know that other people will see it as completely fucked and selfish and unforgivable if that's what I try to do.

All I can say is that OCD is fucking hell. I would give anything to just be normal about this. Recovering from moral OCD necessitates basically... making peace with not being Good, with being someone who can be selfish and pass up opportunities to do good without distress or guilt. You have to be able to know you COULD do better and shrug it off, without the drive to improve.

"You have to expose both to the fear that you may be morally imperfect and also to the fear that you have inadequately addressed it."

I just... can't imagine a world where it's okay for me to say 'I'm not going to do this activism/mutual aid/etc and I'm not going to feel bad about it and I'm not going to treat it like a big deal'. I don't know how to not feel like it's a big deal when other people fucking... matter. I don't know how to be selfish and at peace with it. I don't know if I even want to be.

But I know other people don't experience it like this. Somehow, they have a balance where it /matters/ and they /care/ but it doesn't consume their entire life. Even if they want to try and do more or be better, it's... not like this. But I don't know how to have that and it makes me feel fundamentally broken, that I don't know how to do that, like I don't have that internal function that everyone else does to regulate things like Desire To Help Others in a normal, proportional way.

I don't know what my future looks like and I don't know how to have the life I want - one where I can do good things and try to be a better person, but in a way that isn't driven by an all-consuming mental illness. It's terrifying to feel like instead I'm at a crossroads, where my options are a) to chase that perfectionist drive to Do Good until it kills me or b) to work on Recovery and train myself to not care and not feel bad about it. I want there to be a third option but it just feels impossible. And I don't think I could ever forgive myself for just... disengaging, let alone being complacent and aiming to not even feel bad about that.

But as soon as it's framed as "I want to get better so I can do more good things" it's right back to making that the ultimate goal I'm working towards: getting rid of my issues about moral good in order to finally ACTUALLY do more moral good. Which is like trying to overcome my issues with germs in order to achieve an even more perfectly germ-free environment - like, it just does not work as long as that's my driving motivation, because getting better means GENUINELY not being worried about that thing any more.

I just can't imagine being able to let go of that desire and owning that without guilt or shame.

PS. I also know that calling it Doing Good makes it sound like it's selfish and egotistical - like moral bragging rights as opposed to actually caring for people. But I'm wording it like that as shorthand for activism/mutual aid/political involvement/volunteering/mentoring/literally anything that could go under that umbrella. I am a person who cares, a lot - not just about "proving I'm a good person". Just about people in general. That's what makes it so hard - because the roots of my OCD are so entwined with those genuine values that I don't know how to separate them.

[jade-curtiss]

Ok, I'm really more annoyed than I let show because, I mean, it was the first time in a while I was actually working on something actually productive and...once again, it had to be ruined by "help". I mean. And the thing is...it's not even as "necessary" as could be if I still manage. But the problem is that it really proved one thing: ressources are accessible only to a limited amount of people. Circumstantially I tried to see how long I could last on a certain budget just living casually instead of being overly conscious of everything I spend and...hm. Okay, to put in perspective given a very common trait people forget about bipolarity: spending habits. If anything it's, contrary to popular belief, it's one of the most common things that lead to a diagnostic (it goes under impulsive traits). It's harmless to about anyone but the person who go through that pattern, and maybe people around them, but it varies a lot. The point I want to make is that despite this being one of the most common trait to receive a diagnostic (bipolarity(type I or II) or manic depressive disorder) that is often unnecessarily correlated to criminality and violent impulse. And what is "violent" is often very arguable, it seems that what people seems to expect here is inherently physical when it's often just someone melting down loudly as a defense mechanism, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in that state unprovoked, in my case the only times I've ever been that way wasn't exactly even during episodes but as a desperate way to make boundaries. If words alone get me nowhere I just panic and become gradually hostile until the point is made. But that's very much the thing, to get me there my boundaries have to be stepped on severely. That doesn't count as a symptom in this context. I've seen professionals in these circumstances and, as a kid it's touchy, as an adult instead of a diagnostic they...don't do much really? They give ressources that only work for abled people who can drive with the proper means and good surroundings. But otherwise it's kinda like "fuck you, get killed" and then everyone think that lighting candles and sharing thoughts and prayer will improve anything while the same ressources for these same inaccessible services are shared ad nauseum. I mean the problem isn't a mental health problem here, but a systemic one. It doesn't matter if the disability is mental or physical it falls in the same pit here. From experience, I've been provoked by my family my entire life to be restrained that way. They always pushed on every buttons on purpose knowing what would happen. I would try to explain. Get sent to therapists. And if my therapists confirmed that my reactions were in fact normal. Then. Therapist switch. It was only when I was 17 and made a suicide attempt that people started to realize the issue wasn't exactly mine when they tried to provoke me the first day only to see what would happen in the next days if they did not do that. Nothing happened after a week or two, so they just released me. Then my mom had the brilliant idea to think that she was in control of the situation and still consider herself as a figure of authority in my life, instead of a bitch on watch, then attacked me at the first opportunity. I mean I don't even recall what it was for, it was really that mundane, but she went feral, but she's small and frail and not exactly what I could define as a threat so it was more like her problem here and I think my sister ended up calling 911 at some point, but given the circumstances it resulted in something very funny called losing custody. About. 2 weeks before my 18th birthday, and we probably lived if I make the whole count of it ... Hm. We probably lived. In total. About. 3-4 weeks together? But yeah. Anyway. She sabotaged my whole childhood doing that kind of shit every single times. I dunno what for exactly I mean I wasn't even living with her and yet she got full custody (and the things she spent it on, well, it's ok to loot people, don't think twice anymore), that cunt should be grateful. 🥱

Tl;dr: this is what psychological abuse look like and also why maintaining stereotypes about mental health only allow that kind of abuse to persist. Making a violent character psychotic requires a lot of nuance and violence may be the result of a build up that isn't always related to any symptoms. I mean psychose has the potential to be a very entertaining trait, but people should really look up the symptoms because they do that. And when it comes to labeled as "maniac" characters it's even worse (megalomania is overdone...like make these characters very obsessed with being productive about something completely useless instead, now that fits). Otherwise maintaining certain stereotypes for certain traits has the potential to harm anyone stuck in a vulnerable position (it's not exclusive to minors, but mainly do apply to minors).

Also can we stop pretending that "mental" health is actual medial thing when most of it turns out to be a result of circumstances and an attempt to keep vulnerable people under control without giving them an option to stand up if things fall through the very largely gapped safety net? Some biological factors do affect people cognitively, but most of it is just external. Even in cases of certain psychosis it's just like...tell someone enough bullshit for long enough and of course their relationship with reality will be altered if it's the only thing a person knows. So just because someone got bullshitted their entire lives we can put diagnostics on their back when the source never faces any consequences. Ever. Amazing. And people eat that shit.

[madmaryholiday]

encountered my first irl "children are identifying as cats and want to use litter boxes at school" bullshit today.

the coworker i talk to most often and sit with at break announced to me today that he'd read a very strange news story. i invited him to share, and before he'd got halfway through the premise, i knew what he was on about.

i just went "no. i promise you. no."

and explained why people like to cite this non-existent news story in their ongoing "think of the children!" tirades.

turns out the guy who sits next to him showed him the article. my coworker was like "oh, good, [name] will be so relieved to hear it's not true!"

but of course that second coworker was all "idk man CRAZY stuff is going on these days!"

and i miiiiight've been a little too blatant with my shock that anyone would believe something so obviously designed to outrage people. but i managed to bring it around to the general "if you read something that outrages you, first ask yourself who's benefiting from your outrage" and other critical thinking tools.

to really drive it home, though, because i could tell he was still skeptical (as was another coworker nearby), i went back a bit later and did a quasi-apology "i hope it didn't sound like i thought you were dumb for taking that story at face value" thing, that i'd just genuinely thought people knew that particular story was fake.

i'm still slightly horrified that three people i know accepted this obvious reaction bait as the truth, but i'm hoping they know better now.

there was also some concerning talk about "their environment" and "the internet is everywhere these days" and other coded language about kids being, like, tricked by the adults around them, but like i do not have time to unpack that.

but like jesus christ people. kids are not stupid. they play stupid games and don't know as much about the world as adults do (sometimes), but they're fully capable of making their own decisions and separating reality from fantasy. and like. a kid asking to use a litter box at school would get them bullied so fucking hard. what kid would voluntarily do that to themself??? kids understand that there are social rules you have to abide by or risk rejection.

(i mean i also didn't have time to interrogate the assumption that kids telling people they're a cat is automatically a sign that they're a danger to themselves or others, cos like kids pretend to be animals all the time and it's fucking FINE. and if they genuinely think they're a cat? they probably don't actually think they're a cat, you just can't tell they're fucking with you. but if they DO think they're a cat, how is that your problem? let that kid go be weird and either grow out of it or learn when it's appropriate to talk about it. it's not gonna ruin their life unless you decide to ruin their life for them.)

i know that some people do actually think kids are being indoctrinated by the big scary trans agenda, but for the folks who just think kids are so easily swayed that a single tiktok can convince them they're really an animal? how goddamn insulting. you don't spend the first 18 years of your life a blank slate and then suddenly gain self-awareness when you reach adulthood.

and children having a misconception is not the same as them indelibly stamping that misconception onto their worldview forever. as they learn more information, their understand of the world can change! just like any other goddamn person!

i just. argh. there are SO MANY layers of bullshit here. i'm glad i definitely got my one coworker to understand that story is fake, but those other two....the way they were talking makes me nervous.

i'm not gonna go provoke them into a discussion on trans rights or anything. but like. we know i'm, uh. very passionate about defending children. and i worry that something will come up in the future where i will not be able to hold my tongue. and things will get extremely uncomfortable. and i will wind up in trouble for causing a ruckus.

gonna try and decompress now and not think about that any more tonight. heaven knows i don't need that stress right now.

[notes-of-a-bpd-addict]

WHY I NEVER CAN BE NORMAL insane words off a very high cunt with a personality disorder

tw/ s-word attempts , mention s/h mention , mania mention , drug sex and booze mention

BPD is such a weird thing to explain to people who just don't really get mental illness , people are getting better but small towns are a nightmare the never ending gossip everyone knows someone who knows someone there's no silence no peace you have a manic episode everyone in your circle knows people spoke to you as you broke down in paranoia about everything you love not being real and it actually wanting to hurt you being in such a horrible place you mutual yourself to give you grounding and than its over its just done you don't feel that anymore and then you forget until it haunts back up nagging at you replaying every mental break you've had all the terrible things you've done just for more or because you were caught up in a teenage dirt bag fantasy or sex drugs drinking driving stealing staying out vandalising you let it ruin you every had years for the fantasy got to have their teenage bad years while you started late now your an adult and everyone even the worse ones have cleaned up their act and are doing actual things but you can't get out you talk such a big game but in the ned your trapped in your own brain flung between states of euphoria and crippling fear wasting the very small amount of money you have even trying to turn your life around you're trying to find ways to justify drugs not only pot trying to justify pills and being the only stoner left in a group of friends who don't you can't be the only one who's constantly high even shaggy had the dog for fuck sake this is all a stupid tangent so far to basically some up I don't think I can ever be a person I've always been weird I've never had a healthy realtionship Ive never been single for a long period in time I need someone to love me some to be able to talk to 24/7 someone I can trust more than anything I don't think I can be a person bc I think I have no personality im bad at making friends so I just get a boyfriend and become part of his friend group or his friends girlfriends I always just fall into a fuck mom role im there to be as pretty as I can for one person and play mummy be the calm voice of reason while still a bit fun care for everyone make food for people offer rides be there etc im sick of not getting to be a person I honestly can't remember my life half the time I don't know if its from the insane mood swings and mania of the drug induced vision and probable liver damage from drinking and trying to harm myself I don't feel like a person and everyone is leaving me and I can't follow im going to be back at square one alone

[knowlesian]

quick thought because rewatching the finale for ed means rewatching for stede: god, the ‘is there anything you want to tell me about doug’ / ‘on a whim’ scene with mary and stede kills me every single time and is just... such a perfect and human example of bad communication.

stede enters that exchange wanting mary to confess she’s sleeping with doug, and given his followup doozy of ‘i forgive you’ later in the episode he wants an apology for it.

he does not say: i know you’re sleeping with doug, and knowing that bothers me.

which would be a good thing to say! mary could reply (as i would reply) something along the lines of ‘you thinking you have the right to be bothered by this in a way that ends in you trying to tell me what to do with my body is the kind of shit i am not gonna put up with, so you should quit while you’re behind’.

he does not do that.

instead he goes on a fishing expedition. he doesn’t even just start a conversation: he starts with purposefully clearing his throat, doing it again when the first time fails, loud enough mary has to answer. 

then he comments that she came in late last night (subtext: i know why you came in late) and mary confirms it then tries once again to go back to her newspaper and head off this on-coming train.

then stede does the thing that makes me want to claw my face off, and says "is there anything you want to tell me". (with the follow-up that makes it clear what he means, without him having to say what he means: “say... about doug?”)

for personal reasons i have a lot of trouble dealing with people who do this; outside a few exceptions, that sentence usually translates to ‘i have a problem i want to air, but i’m certainly not going to approach this like a healthy adult in a no-bullshit manner’. and without exception, it always makes me want to snap back ‘NOPE but it sure seems like you fucking do, so why don’t you quit trying to force me to start this conversation for you and say what you gotta say’.

mary apparently feels the same way, and she reads him to hell and back: then she ends on ascribing his actions to whims and it veers left into noooo, don’t do that-ville. her saying that instead of what she actually means (which is: i don’t know why the hell you did this, and i do not know because you never told me why) is understandable, but not the road to take if having a productive discussion is the goal. assigning motive instead of assessing behavior in these situations is a bad call, if only because it allows people to jump on that moment of editorialization and evade your actual point.

(this is also one of those things where how much weight a person puts on the generally accepted implications of the word whim— aka: that there was no reason behind it at all— is gonna change the use of the word, but for now i’ll take whim = he did it for no reason and/or no good reason.)

stede does not factually object to anything mary said. he acknowledges: yeah i did all that, i just object to the word whim re: why i did everything i absolutely did.

and that’s just... oof. now: this is a super human dynamic. when people say to us ‘but i didn’t mean to’ it feels like an excuse; when we say it to others, it feels like context.

mary’s point is not the whim part; assigning motivation is her frustration speaking. (alongside her simple lack of anything else to think, given stede left and then showed back up in fairly short succession, and he did not give her a reason why he did it either time.)

her point is: you left. you came back. you have no right to blow up my life once again, especially not this second time.

stede doesn’t actually engage with that part of what she says. he only quibbles over her use of the word whim.

that’s the point where he reeeally goes wrong. if he had said ‘i swear that it wasn’t on a whim, mary, but you’re right and i’m sorry’ and then explained his reasoning during the resulting conversation that could open up, that engages with the actual point and allows him to explain himself and admit his own pain while also owning that pain we cause is not mitigated by the motivations behind it, only contextualized.

it’s just such a believably bad conversation, where stede sets the tone and mary ends up falling back on bad argument habits herself instead of just focusing on addressing the issues at hand. 

love it, ngl. so good.