#because normally we always feel kind of weird about our birthday and it's not something we tend to look forward to

[thethingything]

I think the funniest thing about our birthday being soon is that 🍬 wasn't looking forward to it, and then he had a little moment of realisation where he saw some packages in the living room, processed that they were presents and that our birthday means we get to open them and find out what they are, and now he's been increasingly excited and impatient about it ever since

[allthingsfangirl101]

Falling For Make-Believe–Joe Keery

My entire life, all I wanted was a fairytale romance. That came crashing down when my parents divorced. Mom got custody of me and we got the house. Dad tried to be involved in my life but eventually, all I got from him was a birthday card in the mail and a check, a Christmas present sent in the mail, and the monthly alimony check.

The divorce was rough. Dad was cheating on Mom because of her drinking and shopping addictions. Mom claimed she was always drinking or shopping because Dad was always at work. I wasn't really surprised that neither one of them wants to take the responsibility for the divorce. I guess I should be happy neither one of them blamed me.

How could they? Neither one of them was around long enough to blame me.

Four years ago I started working on set for Stranger Things. I started out a normal assistant for anyone and everyone on set but eventually, I got promoted to personal assistant for the woman in charge of costumes. In between seasons, I've been going to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising or FIDM. I hope to eventually work as a costume designer.

Over the last four years, I've become great friends with the cast. Specifically Joe Keery. Maybe it's because we're the same age. Maybe it's because when we first met, neither one of us was really sure what we wanted. Joe was hesitant about his role and I was hesitant about my job. We bonded over venting and drunkenly blurting out our insecurities.

Over the last season, I've noticed Joe slightly start to change. He's made a bigger effort to stop by and say hi every morning. When he comes in for a fitting or to get something fixed, he spends the entire time asking me about school and the next step I had to take in my career.

With all the time Joe spent with me, I soon realized that I was falling in love with him.

I tried putting it off for as long as possible, but it was useless. Joe was too easy to fall in love with. Every time he'd make me laugh or make me smile or make me feel like the only woman in the world, I'd hear my mother's voice and would snap out of it.

"Don't fall in love, Y/N," she'd sigh. "It's a trap. That man won't take care of you. Only you can take care of yourself. Don't fall for it. Don't be gullible, Y/N. Only silly girls are gullible."

"Earth to Y/N?"

I jumped out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Joe holding out the jacket he wears throughout season 4.

"Sorry," I said softly. "Did you need something?"

"One of the seams is starting to rip," he said, slowly. "Matt sent me to have you fix it. . . Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly, clearing my throat. "You said a seam was ripping?"

"Yeah," he said still looking at me oddly. "Right here."

I took his jacket from him and instantly found the tare. I carried it over to my desk and started pinning it. I looked up and saw Joe still watching me.

"I can bring this to you once I'm done," I said, my cheeks burning. "You don't have to wait."

"I don't mind," he shrugged. He walked over and sat on the stool I used for fittings. He sat like that, neither one of us saying anything while I finished fixing Joe's jacket. I was just snipping off the spare thread when he cleared his throat.

"What are your plans this weekend?" He asked.

"Nothing," I shrugged. I stood up and signaled for him to come closer. He looked at me strangely before turning around and letting me help him put on his jacket.

"Really?" He asked before turning around and fixing his jacket. "You've got no plans?"

"Nope," I said, sighing. The look in his eyes made my breath get caught in my throat. "Did you. . ."

"How about I take you out?"

"Take me where?" I asked, my stomach doing a weird flip.

"To dinner," Joe said with a small chuckle. "Maybe a movie or we could. . ."

"You mean like a date?" I asked, softly cutting him off.

"Exactly," he smiled.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Joe asked, still his teasy self.

"Why do you want to take me on a date so badly?" I asked.

"I was kind of hoping that you'd, you know. . .fall in love with me."

"You don't want that," I mumbled looking down at my hands.

"Yes, I do," he insisted. I shook my head and took a step away from him.

"No, you don't," I insisted right back.

"Why wouldn't I?" Joe asked, slowly starting to get more serious. "Y/N, you're an incredible girl. You're smart. You're funny. You're sweet. You're honestly unlike any girl I've ever met."

"Stop!" I yelled, tears building up. "Please stop," I whispered.

"Y/N," he said under his breath.

"Falling in love is make-believe. And besides, I'm not the kind of girl who gets the guy," I said shakily. "I'm not the one who guys all secretly fall in love with. It just doesn't happen okay?"

"What makes you think. . ."

"Nick Walters."

"Who's that?"

"He was my best friend all through elementary and middle school," I said, wrapping my arms around myself. "End of middle school I made the dumb mistake of telling him that I thought I was in love with him. He didn't feel the same way. In fact. . . He laughed."

"He what?"

When I looked up at Joe, I instantly saw the anger in his eyes.

"I lost my best friend and my first love in a matter of five minutes," I whispered, tears building. "I've been too scared to. . . to fall in love again."

Joe's eyes softened when he saw the tears threatening to fall. He slowly took a step closer to me.

"Nick was a jerk," Joe said as clearly as he could. He started to reach for my hand but stopped himself. "But forgetting about him, can we go back to what you said earlier about falling in love? Why do you think it's make-believe?"

I wanted to tell him, but if I did. . .

"Just don't make fun of me, okay?"

"I'm not going to make fun of you," Joe said instantly.

"After everything with Nick, I watched my comfort movie, the 1997 Cinderella with Brandi. In it, Bernadette Peters sings this song warning her daughters that falling in love was a trick."

"A trick?"

"Falling in love is falling for make-believe," I recited. I cleared my throat before adding, "And it's also exactly what my mom said to me when I came home crying that day from school."

Joe gently grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him. "Not every relationship is going to end," he whispered. "Some last. . ."

He didn't finish. Instead, he leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine. Every part of me screamed at me to stop, that he was just going to break my heart. But there was a small part that wanted to believe what he was saying.

A small part of me wanted to believe in love again.

I broke the kiss, breathing heavily. I stepped back a little, but I didn't go far. I didn't want to go far from him.

"If you want me to fall in love with you," I whispered, "there's something I'm going to need you to do."

"Of course," he said quickly. "Anything."

"I need you to promise me something," I said, still a little nervous. I took a shaky breath as I continued, "I need you to promise me, Joe, that you aren't going to break my heart."

Joe gently grabbed my chin, making me look up at him. He moved his hand so he was gently holding my cheek.

"You don't have to worry about that, Y/N," he whispered. His voice sent chills up my spine. "I could never break your heart because I'm already in love with you."

[confused-n-queer]

So a video about Beastars gave me feelings

I just came back to this video about a year after having first watched it simply because it was in my recommended feed and I needed something to listen to and well I have left with a new litmus test for my internal growth. I feel how much my connection to the story being woven my both the creator of the video and the author of Beastars has changed in only one year. I have struggled a lot with my own sexuality gender and overall sense of self throughout my life and am only now feeling the chapter on my adolescence come to a close. When I first saw this video and read the manga I identified very strongly with Haru. Her perceived weakness as a rabbit mirrored my own having grown up as a short,unusually skinny girl with undressed health issues. I was often mad and unable to express it since my anger was seen as cute, nonthreatening, and pathetic. Any attempts at my beliefs or anger being taken seriously and being seen as an equal to my peers was met with jokes and threats. Haru's tough abrasive nature towards people she perceives as a potential threat is a defense mechanism I shared with her. I like many girls has been subjected to both what I would call aggressive sexualization, sexulization through direct comments about our clothing, bodies and behaviors as well as leering, cat-calling and all the other various degrees of sexual assault I don't wish to discuss and what I would call passive sexuialization which is the everyday messaging we received from family peers and media, aka everything from your mom telling you to put on a shirt and cover up long before you had breasts to the comments made by aunts about how "slutty" a girl walking down the street looked. My response to this was repressing my desires burring my longing to be a confident sexual being. To bury my desire to wear the short shorts and skirts and bra-less styles of the early 00's I saw modeled on my dolls and a few older girls. I wanted to be like Haru, or at least posses the sexual freedom and confidence people believe she has. Instead I felt I had to hide my burgeoning sexuality behind a screen. Instead of healthy experimentation with my peers I was introduced to sex through men far older than me online because I knew romance,dating and sex was "wrong" and "not something a girl my age thought about". So I hid full of shame so strong it nearly led me to end my own life. The craziest part, I wasn't raised in an exceptionally conservative home. My family was pretty normal, hell I was given books about puberty and was told, once, after years of pestering (something I never did as I was, in retrospect and due to trauma, a disturbingly obedient child something I'll touch on later) what sex was and was sort of permitted to learn about sex from a scientific perspective. It wasn't until my freshman year of collage that I began to unlearn all of my shame and allow myself to be and accept myself as a sexual being, you know the thing I should've been allowed to do and that most people do while going through puberty. I joined a production of RHPS and drove over an hour to the main campus and back every week to rehearse for a show where being sexual was a given, and where the words that had been embedded into my chest were shouted without malice. It was a place where "slut" and "queer" weren't dirty they just were. I had my first kiss a few months before my 19th birthday with a girl who was so kind to me and who treated me with such sincere affection and respect that I as I write this am left sobbing thinking of all she did for me. I wish I could reach out to thank her without it being weird or potentially harmful since we haven't talked since the pandemic forced a weird mutual ghosting breakup a few months into our relationship and I don't know her current situation.

I was also always "playing nurse" (of both the standard and psych-ward variety) for friends,family and strangers due to trauma and my ability to do so like Haru but in the words of John Mulany "We don't have time to unpack all of that." so I'll leave it at that.

This time around I related to Legoshi so much it hurt. My struggles in the past year or so have been much more focused on my liberation as an adult, to be myself, to learn who I am, to move freely and to demand respect for myself and others. Which of course means the issues around my gender and sexuality (but mainly my gender) came back with a vengeance so the queerness of Legoshi et all hit very hard. The past year has been an odd meeting of my old self destructive habits meeting new healthier ones.

On the bad side I had al breakdown, multiple depressive episodes, stressed myself to the point of worsening a tic disorder i didn't know i had, neglected my health, fed into my eating disorders as well as my internalized ableism, homophobia and transphobia.

On the good side I attended concerts alone and with friends, decorated my room for the first time, bought sex toys, went on dates, dressed how I wanted to, dyed and shaved my hair without asking for permission (which was extra important since my hair was the one feature I was never allowed to mess with), and worked hard to fight my body issues and eating disorders which I'm happy to say as of right now I looked into the mirror for the first time in 10 years and liked my reflection despite my body dysmorphia. All things my therapist had to give me permission to do because, like Legoshi and all the other canines in the series I was made, through my natural disposition and a dash of abuse, to be obedient to my own detriment. I'm not joking when I say the whole " a canine told to wait will wait until it dies" section is accompanying me to therapy this week and is joining my "therapeutic media metaphors I use to describe my traumas,feelings and behaviors to other people" folder.

So...yeah...people change and this video was and will probably remain a very important part of my life.

Edit: Adding onto this but also like coming back to this video as someone who's currently educating themselves on queerness after years of feeling like "ah yes I understand myself and my own sexuality and gender. This is fascinating anyways. Perhaps I'll read this manga as a cathartic work to analyze but not really dig into because I don't need to do that right now/that's not the purpose it serves right now. It serves the purpose of allowing myself to confront other stuff and like a thing despite it's stigma as weird furry shit because people can't understand the merits of using non human characters to explore human topis including sex without getting all weird"

[namorslutfanfiction]

girl I'm down bad for tenoch, like i havent been in a long time for a male celebrity. i am obsessed!! his birthday is tomorrow!

i have so much curiosity about him (as a person, you know), like does he believe in astrology? hes such an aquarius! and because of that, the answer could be yes or no hahah

I have been practicing my spanish more nowadays; i have read almost every single tweet this man has tweeted. im currently reading his book (which is amazing!! must read for people who want to know more about mexicos power dynamics, racism, colorism! very enlightening; as a latina myself, i could swap mexico to my countrys name and it would fit perfectly) (also he is very articulated, intelligent and funny! such an easy-going read besides the theme).

whats his favorite book? what kind of songs he listens to? share your spotify account with me tenoch!!

whats his comfort food? whats his WhatsApp profile picture? is it from a professional shoot or a selfie he took on his phone? did he cave in and bought an iphone? did he have pets growing up? whos taking care of his plants back home?

does he have a nickname? maybe 'Té', or 'Noche'? or is it something that has nothing in common with his name (my family nickname is completely different from my given name)?

and so on so on!! i need ANSWERS!! necesito tomarme un trago con el!! necesito pachequearme y hablar de la vida con este hombre!!!

Same. Like I literally found myself back on this godforsaken site after years because I needed to be able to vent about my love and obsession for this man.

Oh I would love to know his random opinions and his belief systems. I think he would find it amusing that we have looked up his astrological chart to the best of our abilities. Like he would definitely think "wow thats extensive" but he wouldn't make fun of it like some guys do.

So I know like very rudimentary Spanish that I learned because of my job. I got so often mistaken as some type of latin or hispanic person that it was easier to learn enough Spanish to get by and guests were always so understanding. "Oh she can understand us but it's hard for her to reply." I want to learn more Spanish but I don't have the time right now. I wish I could read his book but a translation isn't out yet.

As a filipino I feel like there will be a lot for me to relate to in the book considering the rampant colorism in all parts of Asia. Filipinos are often referred to as the 'Mexicans' of Asia. Which is weird but also fitting. What snippets of translation I've seen have been so interesting though.

I know he hates reggaeton with so much passion its kind of hysterical. I think I remember him mentioning one of his favorite books in an interview but I can't remember off the top of my head. I knoooow this man has all kinds of proud Latin music on his playlist. Also unabashed bangers like Selena.

He apparently has a screenshot from his whatsapp on his twitter somewhere and I think it's like a normal pic not anything professional.

DOES TENOCH HAVE PLANTS? THAT IS THE QUESTION I NEED ANSWERED BECAUSE I AM A PLANT MOM!

Did you see that interview where he was mad hungry and eating the food the interviewer bought him? I wonder if he's one of those mexican dads who is willing to try a bunch of stuff or if he's the type to always choose latin food over anything else.

I've seen some of his activist friends call him 'Noch' or 'Nochie' I also know that Diego Luna specifically calls him 'chiquitin'. And that makes me giggle because I think he smiles his stupid cute smile every time Diego calls him that.

LOL I have two first names and depending on who you are decides which one you call me. So I don't have any nicknames. Everyone would just get even more confused.

I wanna talk to him about everything, life, love, politics, bull shit, the things that make us happy, the things that make us sad. I wanna talk about our pasts, our futures, our dreams.

I want his advice. Like I bet he gives the best life advice.

thank you for the ask,

[suckitsurveys]

2014/2024

1. First thing you touched this morning? Boyfriend./ Husband.

2. Last thing you yelled at? I’ve been saying things loudly all day I’m so hyper right now. And that sentence makes it sound like I am a 15 year old oops. / Someone who wouldn’t get out of my way on the expressway lol. 3. Is your car a piece of crap? Ahhh my favorite 14 year old piece of crap. / My car is actually in really good shape aside from the fact that it fucking leaks gas and they can’t find a replacement fuel tank so now I have to probably buy a new car.

4. What’s something you’re looking forward to in the next 7 days? Being with babe and getting hella paid next Friday. / Celebrating my niece’s 11th birthday and getting sushi twice in the same week when I go out with my friends for my birthday lol.

5. What’s annoying you right now? I feel weird but not weird. / Honestly how this survey formatted when I pasted it in here and now I have to fix every answer.

6. When is the last time you looked in the mirror? Earlier when I went to the bathroom. / This morning.

7. Would you have a long distance relationship with the person you are with now? We kind of have one now but not really? I mean he lives an hour away from me but we see each other pretty often. Like most of the week. / I mean we are married now so a long distance relationship would suck, especially after living together for almost 8 years now.

8. Who was the last person to make you really mad? My sister. / Actually, my sister, haha.

9. Where is the last place you had sex? In Mark’s new bed! Well. In my old bed, which is now his bed. / In our bed.

10. Who is the last person you had sex with? Mark! / Mark!

11. Do you enjoy watching porn? I do. / Sometimes.

12. What’s your favorite drinking game? Circle of Death! / I still like Circle of Death but I never play drinking games anymore.

13. Do you cry often? Ehh.  / Yes.I have been an emotional nightmare the past year hahahahahaahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.

14. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now? “Hey babe are you thinking of me right now?” “Always and forever.” / He’s still asleep so not yet.

15. Choose one to have (beer, cigs, or weed)? WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. / Weed.

16. Do you wish on stars? Naw. / Not really.

17. Are you a big flirt? Nah. / Nope.

18. What is the most disgusting prank you’ve ever done? – / I don’t do pranks.

19. What would you do if you became pregnant? Get an abortion. / Get an abortion.

20. When did you last make out with someone? Was it good? Yesterday, and yes. / A couple of days ago, and yes.

21. Do you like your body? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. / Right now no.

22. Are you a likeable person? Fuck yeah I am amazing. / I don’t know, ask the people who claim to like me.

24. Who did you dream of last night? I don’t remember. / I had a dream Longfellow quit SNL but it was because he got the lead role in a movie franchise hahaha.

25. Whose body do you wish you had? My own but 30lbs lighter. / My own but 50lbs lighter.

26. What is the first thing you are going to do when you get home? Probably shower and get ready for my Grandma’s 89th birthday. I’m going home Sunday morning for that. / Put all my shit away and change into comfy clothes.

27. When is the last time you saw your mom? Alive? July 18, 2013. / July 18, 2013.

28. Have you ever been so in love, you wanted to get married? Like right now, yeah. / Yup, and I did.

29. Did you get lucky on prom night? I went with my best friend from Boston. So yeah that was pretty lucky. / In the sexual sense, no.

30. Is there a song that makes you cry? Oh god yes. / Yes, several.

31. Are you normally a horny person? Yeah. / Yeah.

32. Where is your self-esteem from 1 (low) to 10 (high)? Like an 8 right now. / 2.

33. What color are your eyes? Greeeeeen. / Green.

34. Plans for tonight? About to go swimming with babe. Then we might get pizza and wine and chill tonight. / Going to my sister’s so I can take my niece’s birthday pictures and maybe tell her she’s going to see Billie Eilish in November. Then I’m gunna go home and eat dinner with Mark.

35. Plans for the weekend? Well tomorrow I’ll still be here and Sunday is my grandma’s birthday. So that. / Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday and we’re having a family party for her. Then Sunday I’m planning on taking her to lunch and the mall to pick out a few things.

[razorsadness]

The past couple weeks have been pretty intense, emotionally. Good, bad, weird, all three, but intense all ‘round.

The Monday before last, E. shared a post of J.L.’s on Facebook & I had to go thru the thing I’ve gone thru so many times already: Do I tell her he abused me & risk her disbelief & the loss of our friendship? Or do I say nothing & just feel super super gross forever & probably lose the friendship anyway because I’ll feel too uncomfortable hanging out with her while knowing she’s friendly with him? I decided to tell her, and ultimately she responded the way I’d hoped she would, but I was up half the night feeling nauseous & panicky. This is like the fourth or fifth time I’ve had to go through this re: J.L. Which, I guess, is not shocking; he’s a well-known guy in the Milwaukee DIY/arts scene. So yeah, not shocking, but it still sucks that I have to keep going thru this.

In the wee hours of that Monday night/Tuesday morning, just before I finally fell asleep, was the blood moon/eclipse. & when I woke a few hours later I was bleeding. That day was the midterm elections & I wanted to make a joke about I’ve got your red wave right here or something. Speaking of—boy, am I glad that the promised red wave did not happen.

That day, and for a few days after, I went thru a bout of mania the likes of which I haven’t seen in a while. There’s still a part of me that wants to fall back into the old self-destructive tendencies. Y’know, they get manic & wanna get stupid drunk about it, or fuck a stranger about it, & they get a little ornery that they can’t. But it is fortunate that, these days, I can sometimes harness my manic energy in more positive ways. I used this bout to get a bunch of housecleaning done, & work on my novella, & then... I was listening to Endless Possibility, the tribute to Jack Terricloth, & there were all these clips of him talking, & in one of them he said: It’s hard to live in the past, it’s hard to live in the future—we live absolutely in the moment. Now is the only time. Do not ever wait. The only answer is yes. & hearing that spurred me into beginning to put the finishing touches on the revised & updated edition of What We Talk About When We Talk About Punk.

Saturday the 12th we celebrated D.’s 11th birthday. His actual birthday was the 13th, but we decided to celebrate with my parents that night, at my mom’s studio, so we could watch the holiday parade. My mom saw my new haircut for the first time. She’d seen me a couple times already since I cut it, but I’d hidden it with a scarf or hat because I knew she’d make a comment & I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. Sure enough, when she saw it, she visibly winced, then said: “Oh, Jess, really? I keep thinking you’ll grow out of doing that kind of thing.” My response was: “I keep thinking you’ll get used to me doing this kind of thing.” Then she said: “I mean, it’s your hair, you can do whatever you want, but you look so pretty with normal hair.” I just shrugged, cuz we’ve had this ‘discussion’ (& other, similar ones) approximately 5000 times in the past 28 years & she doesn’t get that I’m not trying to be pretty. I mean, yes, I like to feel pretty sometimes, but a. I certainly don’t want to be pretty in a conventional way, and b. overall, I am not going for pretty. I’m going for jolie-laide. I don’t want to be merely pretty, I want to be hot & a little intimidating.

I don’t know. She & I have been having some problems lately, in general, & they’re all the same troublesome dynamic we’ve always had. I love her but sometimes her comments & passive-aggressiveness just exhaust me.

The next day, between cooking, reading, & playing with the kiddos, I had several moments of professional jealousy/envy. I got really down about the trajectory of my career vs. other people’s careers & felt too sad about it to work on my novella that day (though I did work on a prose poem about why I wasn’t working on my novella).

But, the very next evening, I attended Library of America’s (virtual) lecture & Q&A with Todd Tietchen & Jean-Christophe Cloutier, the editor & translator, respectively, of LOA’s book The Unknown Kerouac. It helped me get past feeling sorry for myself. For many reasons, not the least of which was their mention of Jack writing: I hope it’s true that a man can die, and not only live in others, but give them life. Which in turn made me think of Sarah Manguso’s essay about the true purpose of being a serious writer: If people read your work and, as a result, choose life, then you are doing your job. It made my envy of others’ successes seem petty, made me remember— My purpose is not to receive accolades, my purpose is to write & to get my work out there so that the people who need it can find it, & it can give them life.

So, after the Q&A ended, I got back to work on my memory project. (Kerouac considered his entire oeuvre a memory project, a la Proust, & I see myself/my work in that same lineage.)

Thursday, I went to the Racine Art Museum with my mom. We did that last year near her birthday, too, and it was so nice that it has become our new tradition. I always love going to RAM; I feel so blessed that we have such a great art museum in this mid-sized midwest town. The new exhibits that have been added since I went there back in August are phenomenal. & the zodiac-themed virtual community art show my piece is part of? They had an iPad mounted on the wall, scrolling thru all the pieces in the show, & it was really fucking cool to see mine there. I know it was only on a small screen, but still. To see my art in a real fucking art museum? Kinda mind-blowing.

In other news:

Some of my nearest & dearest have been going thru some health scares. (Thankfully, I now know for sure that one of them was just that—a scare.) Little C. has been relentlessly moody, & I guess I’ve been pretty moody, too. I’ve been horny a lot & also sad a lot.

I’ve got a new crush. I know nothing can, or will, ever come of it, but I don’t mind so much. Crush energy, much like mania, is something I’ve learned to harness in more positive ways, most of the time. I don’t need to pursue my crush, I don’t need to pine, I can make them my muse & channel the energy into writing & art. & I’ve been deep in nostalgia—what else is new—longing for a hundred thousand people, places, moments from my past. Currently, I’m missing the winter I worked in a flower shop in Chicago, & the winter I ice skated once a week in downtown Milwaukee. But, at least nostalgia is another energy I can channel into art. My whole life is a memory project.

[mattmurdocksscars]

Ok for the anon thingie LET ME TELL U ABOUT MY FIRST LOVE/THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY (apologies if it’s long but it’s kind of a ride)

This doesn’t have a “happy ending” of sorts but i recently texted him drunk on his birthday (we’re not quite friends or strangers right now and both of us are in uni/collage) and fuck the conversation we had reignited something in me and even though ultimately we never got together i know for certain that he is still my person and that he will forever be my first.

All begins in high school where me and this dude are in choir and even though we’ve been in the club for more than a year i see him for the first time on our performance day (which is the last school day of the year). He’s a friend of a friend and i’ve never talked to him and i couldn’t help thinking “wow he’s cute, i hope i see more of him next year”. CUT TO NEXT SCHOOL YEAR, this mfffff is in almost ALL of my classes and not only that i sat next to him for 80% of them. Also realised he’s my neighbour (so we start to walk home together) and in that time find out that he’s the smartest person i have ever met in my life (infuriatingly so), incredibly passionate about playing the guitar and is possibly the best musician i’ve ever ever heard. We get close during the year and my friend group kinda mixes with his so we see eachother outside of just classes. At first, i had no idea if he was into me but as time progressed ohhhhh boyyyyy. His attention was constantly on me, he got really nervous and jittery when i was close to him, he constantly offered to go out of his way to help me in legit anything. Like this dude was so bad at hiding it that other ppl in choir would comment about us.

Now, here is where i say i’m an idiot because even though this dude is absolutely everything i wanted (kind, intelligent, hot, talented) something always bugged me/ felt off and i never could show the extent of my affection for him so i never asked him out even know i was 100000% certain he’d say yes, he never asked me bc he probably thought i didn’t like him like that. Both of us are really smart and passionate about our art forms (his being music and mine being drama) and he was really supportive of me when we worked together in drama, he always held me to a high regard. In the same class was one of my other friends who had this massive crush on him as well. I was closer to her than i was him so i was like u kno if i get them together then i’m killing two birds with one stone, hopefully i fully fully get over him and my two friends are happy together. Although it did work, they were together for a very very short amount of time and i have no idea what happened between them. After that though everything became really weird with my girl friend but kind of normal with him. I don’t know who broke up with who or what happened but it was weiiirrrddd.

Cut to now, both of us are at uni and i haven’t talked to him for some time. We’re catching up (whilst i was drunk on his birthday) he didn’t know i remembered the date (and have for years lol) and i wasn’t gonna text him initially because i thought it would be weird, I told him this in the conversation at the end and he really earnestly thanked me for messaging him even though i know he hates his birthday and the attention that comes with the day. I know he’s at one of the top music universities in the U.K. doing everything he loves (that makes me feel so inexplicably fond). he’s patient with me as i try and drunkenly type out my thoughts, i know he’s single rn and the tone for the conversation is so affectionate. He also knows that despite me doing law i wanted to do drama at uni (i told him this yeaaaarrrrrrs before and he’s assured me time and time again telling me to go for it because he thinks i’m talented and stuff). The conversations kind of dropping off now and the time between each text is getting longer and at almost the same time (out of no where) he texts “if you’re in anything you have to let me know, you know i’ll buy tickets soley because you’re there right?” and (even before i could read it all out) i text “i don’t want to miss your first concert. whenever that is, i’ll wait for it” JDJJSKAKHDID. Idk dudeeeeeeee that made me feel so fucking fond. We talk for a little longer but by this point i’m in bed and am about to pass out, i don’t text him goodnight but he does (he knows im really tired at this point) and i wake up to his text from the night before telling me to take care of myself and that he’s thankful that i texted him that night :’)

This sounds like the plot to a movie alskdjsksk

But all jokes aside, I'm glad you got to reconnect, even if maybe only for a little while. I love those people you just click with. Like everything seems perfect when you're talking to/with them. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's wonderful.

[cafalla]

Diary Entry - 07/14/2024 - Happy Birthday (Covid Edition)🍰

The beginning of July marks the the start of my 30th year on this planet. Growing up, certain ages always felt so "adult" to me. Sixteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-five. Always "so far off" in the future, yet these numbers always crept up and passed me by so quickly.

30 in particular has always felt lightyears away from my current self and well...here I am now.

No longer in my twenties - truly now I am an "adult".

Why is it that I still feel so young?

I think the older I get, the more the same I feel. I still feel seventeen, and twenty-two, and twenty-eight...even though I'm not. I know I have learned life lessons and have grown between all those ages...but I still feel the same? Ageing is weird.

Cheers to my 30s, and to what this decade will bring me.

-----------

And well...my first week of being 30 brought me Covid, of all things. I've managed to go this whole time without contracting Covid, and here I've been cooped up in the house this past week trying to get over it.

My sister had come to visit for my birthday, and she is very much a restaurant/bar hopping type of person, so we were out and about and around tons of people all weekend.

If it was just me and my bf, we probably would've just gone to dinner and stayed home all weekend playing video games. But because we had a guest, we made a point to go out and socialize more.

And in a dark way, I joke that God has smited me with Covid for daring to go out and have a good time on my 30th.

-----------

My timeline of symptoms were as follows:

Sat 07/06 & Sun 07/07 - My birthday! And the day after. We were outside for extended periods of time in what was the hottest weather for our area this weekend. I wouldn't be surprised if heat exhaustion/dehydration had something to do with how horrific I felt when my fever started to hit. Sunday night, I started to get a little cough and headache, but I attributed it to us being outside more than usual and allergies.

Mon 07/08 & Tue 07/09 - Ran a fever, was in bed all of both days. Fever high was 102. Barely ate/didn't eat anything at all - could still taste. Headachy and tired, alternated between freezing and overheating. Slept on and off, kind of delirious. Voice sounded off/sick.

Wed 07/10 - Fever gone, throat sore and coughing a lot. Sinuses started to get stuffy. Voice sounded sick and no sense of taste. Stayed in bed/body achy. Barely ate.

Thurs 07/11 - Sore throat and coughing a lot. Sinuses really stuffy. Voice still sick, sense of taste still gone. Stayed in bed/body achy. Barely ate.

Fri 07/12 - Sore throat and coughing a lot. Throat starting to feel a little better. Voice sounded more normal. Sinuses still stuffy. Still can't taste. Stayed in bed/body achy. Barely ate anything other than dinner. Boyfriend made curry for me because I was desperately craving a potato and soup and even though I couldn't taste it, it was so good I cried. Mental was pretty rough - had a bit of a breakdown over never being able to taste again/being tired of feeling terrible and in bed.

Saturday 07/13 - Throat felt a lot better, still coughing. Sinuses starting to loosen. Voice sounded normal. Moving around felt easier and I moved around the house more/wasn't always in bed laying down. Taste still mostly gone, but was able to eat more food.

Sunday 07/14 - Throat feels normal, still have a cough. Sinuses still a little stuffy, but much better/almost normal. Voice sounds normal. Taste has come back a bit more as has my appetite. Ate lots more food and was more mobile/doing things around the house. Feeling pretty good.

-----------

And that's where I am now. Still a bit under the weather, but I think I can function again.

My dry cough is quite annoying, but I can deal with it. I'm hoping my sense of taste comes back stronger as the days go by. I truly was getting fearful I'd be one of those unlucky people who did not get it back for an extended period of time. This was honestly the main part for my mental boom on Friday.

I had gone most all week without really eating anything, and I was feeling terrible and weak. I lost like, almost 10 pounds from Monday to Friday, and I was just mentally over it all and couldn't hold it in anymore.

It's been rough, but I'm glad to be through it. Even my bf (who has had Covid 2-3 times) said it really hit me rough. Kind of sucks I had to take so much sick time off of work to deal with this, but that's what the sick time is for, right? I'm a little apprehensive to return to work tomorrow after having been gone for over a week. Hopefully my dry cough won't be too terrible to deal with at work.

-----------

That being said, I'm happy to be alive and 30! And I'm happy to have such a great bf who has taken care of me this whole time and helped me through it all. I'm glad I got to see my sister and spend time with her, but I'm happy to go back to my homebody ways for the weekends lol!

Here's to the next few weeks treating me with some kindness, and to hopefully NOT getting sick with Covid ever again!

[masongrizchel]

The Time When I Reached 20 🎉✨

Disclaimer: I don't want this blog post to be a symbolic one. I am recalling and stating the feeling I had when I reached this age.

When I reached 20, I was confused, and I had this weird gut feeling about my future. I envisioned myself starting a family after graduating with my bachelor's degree. Coming from a broken family, the thought of having my own gave me a sense of false security and uncertainty. These thoughts keep flooding my mind because my officemates have been having these kinds of conversations with me over the past few days. 🤔

I remember when I reached this age, I was in the factory waking up, just like I would on a normal day. I worked with production and aided in the delivery of our products somewhere. I received a text message from a girl asking me to go out after my shift, and I told her, 'Sure, why not? 😊'.

She treated me on my birthday, and we had a date, enjoying each other's company. A whirlwind of activity filled our day! We scoured the national bookstore for hidden gems, tantalized our taste buds at Mang Inasal, and to complete the trifecta, we savored cold, creamy ice cream before diving headfirst into the Booksale frenzy. 🍦📚 (I'll share more about this story/flashback in my upcoming posts.)

This is a piece of nostalgia that I cherish from when I reached that age.

Society paints this decade with broad brushstrokes of vibrant hues and boundless optimism throughout popular culture. This offers countless promises of independence, exploration, and endless possibilities. But I'll be honest, it made me swirl in the vortex of anxiety. 😟

There are lots of questions, including existential ones.

The day my birthday arrived, I received a package. 📦 I fear isolation, especially since I am already planning to move out of the factory where I have been staying. Where should I go? How will I start? 🤷‍♂️

Gone were the built-in social circles of high school and college. Suddenly, I had to navigate the unfamiliar territory of building new friendships as an adult—a daunting task, to say the least. Then there was the fear of change. Everything felt like it was in constant flux: jobs, relationships, even my sense of self. Would I ever find stability? Would I ever "figure it out"? 🌪️

Looking back, it's clear these anxieties weren't roadblocks but stepping stones. The fear of isolation pushed me to step outside my comfort zone and meet different people and groups, striking up conversations with strangers.

It wasn't always easy, but it led to some amazing friendships that continue to this day. 💬🤝

The fear of change—well, that one never truly goes away. But I've learned to embrace it. Change is inevitable, and it's often the catalyst for growth. The constant flux of my twenties led me to unexpected opportunities, new passions, and a deeper understanding of myself.

So, to all my fellow twenty-somethings out there wrestling with similar fears, I say this: It's okay. Those anxieties are a normal part of the journey. Don't let them hold you back. Embrace the discomfort, step outside your comfort zone, and see where the road takes you. 🚀

You might just surprise yourself. 🌟

[reilivec]

Transformers Au Part 4

Juan is from my dad's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is really unknown the more I think on it, but she has always made it a point to keep some parts of her culture alive while also letting me live a more normal American life. We celebrate Christmas because it takes over the month of December and when I was seven I asked her if we could give each other gifts. It's weird. The culture my grandmother came from had never come in contact with any Christians. They were a thriving community that just never left there home until one day some of the left and came back with fantastical stories. My grandmother was only seventeen when she left to explore the world. She heard about the American dream and left. She traveled on foot for a long time and when she was walking through Ecuador she fell for my Grandfather. He also wanted to live the American dream and had actual money. So, he taught her Spanish and eventually they arrived in America five years after she had left her home. They only had my mother but from what I heard they loved her so much. They died five years before I was born.

I could still hear the siren running around the neighborhood. I tried to deflect, "Juan, do you mind if I take a look at the car?" He had been staring out the window and jumped a little, "Sure!" He sped towards the back door which croaked as he opened both the doors. He slid the small piece of metal on the screen door so that it would stay open. I followed behind him. My mom was closing the large wooden gate. Juan's fences were the tallest legally allowed and he had a few trees lining the fence making it pretty hard to see inside. There was definitely still some fear in her eyes as she glanced around before hiding her car from the street. The gravel crunched beneath our feet as we reached the sad looking detached garage. The paint was peeling and the roof was starting to sag a little from age. As I approached the door way I felt a small pull. It is almost like the energy that I have been passively making since my birthday was getting sucked up. He flicked on the lights while I stood in the door way. Four florescent lights hummed on to reveal an absolute mess. Juan stiffened and began awkwardly explaining, "Yeah, so, I got this car eight years ago from a guy I knew who was into cars. Even he complained about the car. He kept saying that working on this car was like trying to cure an actively dying person and honestly I kind of agree. Every repair reveals several new issues and even some of the things I have replaced have rusted out. Your gonna have your work cut out for you, Wenu." He patted me on the shoulder before heading towards the door, "I'll leave you two alone for a bit."

The car looked worst than the pictures. The paint was almost completely gone and rust covered more than 80% of the body. What pain that was left was a blueish silver. One of the headlights was busted. There shockingly wasn't a lot of dust on the car. Juan must have been working on it daily. The door was deafening as I opened it. The keys were sitting on the passenger seat. I grab the key off the pale blue seat and pop the trunk to get a closer look at the engine. I could definitely feel the car yanking the energy from me now, but something about how it made me think that this might help me and the car in the long run. As I walk to the back of the car I drag two of my fingers along the side of it. I released the lock and opened the trunk and found an absolute mess. There are wires strew about and some have been violently yanked but the more surprising thing is the fact that some of the more rusted parts look more like scars than rust. There are clear and straight paths through the rusted parts.

I stared at the engine with an urge to help but now knowing how. My hands were starting to get hot as the rested on the car. I took my hands off, a little confused before looking where my hands had been resting. There were noticeable spheres of what only could be described as healthy car. There was no rust at all where my hands had been resting. Out of curiosity I reach towards the rusted parts of the engine. It touch it with my pointer finder and watch as the slowly crumbled away revealing pristine metal beneath. I lowered the rest of my fingers onto the pipe and the rust began fading faster and my hand started getting hot again. I started to experiment removing a finger at a time and finding that three fingers was the most I could hold without my hands getting hot. I wasn't out there long before I started getting really hungry and a little tired.

By the time I left the garage my mom and cousin were inside eating. It is impossible to come in quietly with that back door. Juan laughed, "Are you sure you still want that car?" I nodded and before I could talk my stomach growled so loud that they both went wide eyes. Juan got up from the table, "I heard your appetite had gotten bigger," he laughed as he approached the fridge, opening the freezer, "I have combination and supreme pizza which would you like." I looked straight into his eyes and said with no hesitation, "Yes." He laughed before my mom slapped my arm. I looked at her and asked, "Does he know about what happened on my birthday?" She looked at me a little shocked before responding, "Yes, he does." I looked at both of them making sure they were looking at me, "I think I healed the car." Both of them were baffled at that statement. Before I open my mouth I see a flash of that metal face I saw and I looked down at Juan's phone. I grab it and he jumped starting to yell at me before my mom stops him. I take the battery out of his phone and wave my mom to follow as I stand closer to Juan. We all huddled next to the oven as it warmed up and I finally fessed up about the visions, the radio, the police car, and now the car.

After the pizzas were out of the oven. We grabbed several slices of pizza before we all went in to the garage. Juan was shock by the state of the engine. I scarfed down three sliced before I started to explain my theories. I leaned against one of the shelves while looking at my mom and Juan leaned on the Porsche. I began, "Something I have noticed is that some electronics suck my energy." Before I could continue a male voice chimed in, "Energon." I was staring at Juan, it wasn't him. Both of them started looking around. They stood up and looked around. Juan looked inside the car and saw that the radio was on. They both backed up and I stiffened. "I mean you know harm," the voice said.

I couldn't help myself, "What is energon?" My mom and cousin backed up next to me keeping there eyes on the car.

The radio responded, "It is the lifeforce of transformers, we use it to live and without it we die."

I turned my head to the side, "Transformers?"

The radio responded, "It is too tight in here to show you why that is a fitting name, could you open the door?"

I looked over a Juan, who's jaw was slack. I lightly slapped him saying, "can you open the door?" He nodded before heading to the garage door and lifting it open. He stepped out of the way as the car roared to life and the trunk closed. It slowly rolled into the center of the yard. We all were baffled at the car moving on its own. We all trailed behind the car 20ish feet behind. We all felt like we shouldn't get close. We all watched as the metal of the car began contorting and it turned into a humanoid figure standing tall and began stretching like it had been bedridden for a long time before turning back to us. His face was a lot softer than the face I saw in my vision. The silver face was illuminated by glowing blue eyes. He looked at me with a soft grin before kneeling in front of me, bowing his head. The same voice that had been coming from the radio began again, "Thank you, I have been dying for the last 30 years. I had some energon rations when I arrived but they did not last long. I would have lasted six months at best without you."

My jaw was slack and all I could respond, "I don't even know what I did?"

He looked up at me with a curious look, "Well, you are radiating energon now. So, what ever you are doing. I would appreciate it if you would continue."

My mom looked him and asked, "Is it possible that the police car from earlier is like you? A transformer?"

He looked at her a little puzzled before adjusting to sitting crisscross, "I don't know, I woke up an hour ago." Suddenly we all heard the a single wail of a cop car right out front. He looked in the general direction and sniffed the air before getting a disgusted look on his face. He stood up and took a more stealthy approach sneaking up to the fence and glancing over he whispered, "Is that him?" My mother went over to the fence and peeped through a hole in the fence.

I saw her nod and as I looked at her my vision began swirling and my ears began ringing. I lost the strength in my legs falling to my knees. I covered my ears curling in agony. The static was so loud I could barely here Juan. Then there was silence and the voice from earlier this week echoed in my head, "Withdraw for now, we have all the information we need. " I blinked away tears as I looked up to find my mom holding my shoulder, Juan was next to me with his hand on my back and the transformer had a worried look on his face. I sighed, "He is leaving." Shock spread all around and the transformer didn't believe me so he looked over the fence again and said, "He left." His eyes were wide. He cautiously approached me, "How did you know that?"

I looked around a little disoriented, "He was ordered to withdraw." The transformer looked at me closer, "Interesting." He looked at everyone and had a look like something had dawned on him. He sat back down and places his hand on his chest, "I am Jazz, the second-in-command of the Autobots, a group of transformers who have left there home world in order to find a source of energon. Our home had become a war zone as energon became more and more scarce. That transformer out there was one of the Decepticons, a group from my home who wanted to let those who they saw as useless, rot. I can guarantee that the Autobots will protect all of humanity, but currently we are sparce and starving. I would like to reconvene with our leader and possibly set up a system with the local governments."

[imtheghostinsidemyhead]

my DID story p.2

in the last few weeks i have been slowly realizing that i cannot repress of suppress these feelings anymore. as her emotional collapse of this news worsened she started to notice something was off, she didn't want to eat, to think, to exist. but she found parts of herself taking care of her. cooking for her, and calling her a stupid bitch. that part of herself was the same one that was trapped for so long. she's always had a lot of trouble caring for herself. when my friends from out of town came up to visit she for fun decided to kiss her friend. we are VERY sexually repressed. but she can't think about those things, but i can. i was the only one who wasn't ashamed enough to not masturbate when i had the chance. we didn't masturbate at all till age 20, we couldn't afford to. because then we would have to confront the fact we didn't like our ex. so we just didn't have sexual feelings, at least she didn't. she was plagued by thoughts of fucking all of her friends, it would literally haunt her dreams. she didn't feel these things, so she ignored it. when we kissed our friend we decided to take it further, she didn't really react. she shook at the thought of touching a woman. much less actually doing it. but this moment was when she realized that it was true. because i took over. and i did a very good job which was extremely out of character. to everyone including her surprise i was a top. and a very good top. and i was very horny. i felt like i was on top of the world. but i wasn't myself. on the drive to lunch on my 21st birthday i felt this conflict of self, the way i was acting for my other friend (not the fwb), my feelings of horniness, and my nostalgia for the woods mixed with the scary thought of eating fast food i projectile vomited all over my friends car. no drinks in me yet... i was frozen for a good 15 minutes, in absolute shock. unable to move or speak. frozen with the position of a cup in my hand. i knew i needed to get up but i couldn't until i finally admitted to myself that i have multiple personalities. then my dissociation ended and i was able to go on like normal (enough) in the weeks since this event i've gone through denial, fear, acknowledgement, euphoria, and a sense of war and peace. i have allowed myself to act on the traits i didn't accept as parts of myself. it's mostly just been me because when the doll was fronting for a day she wanted to take over the body forever again. so it's mostly been me and the host. but the host is really scared. she can't handle it right now, so it's just me. she was active for a few days and we can speak to each other. but i realized that i projected myself through one of my ocs. it's kind of weird to see how i've grown over the years after never knowing if i was real or not. i'm like a full fledged person, i have likes, dislikes, preferences and gender dysphoria. i've been able to dress a lot more androgynous which is cool. i don't really care about my body though. there's nothing i can really do about that. but it's been really nice to just exist. i'm writing this for the host, she wanted to but she couldn't. i'm always the author and artist. the host excels at styling and crafts. i am the storyteller. thats how i communicate, through strange cryptic expressions of self. but i'm allowed to exist now because i'm the only one who can get bitches. we now have a little system of doing things, but she needs to rest. i'm just not the best at getting non creative or survival tasks done. i have no motivation to do homework. in case anyone i know finds this side blog and gets really confused. i'm trying to reach out to people now, i'm confident that this is what i've been struggling with all my life. and i'm happy i'm getting help and accepting this fact. i'm debating whether or not i'm going to tell my therapist. i want to wait and see if she brings it up. she already knows about my gaps of memory and struggle with past identities and dissociation. my name is caspar or eerie, depending on the context. there's the ghost (me), the host, and the doll.

[yurigalactica]

For the ask game: 15, 20, 31, 63, 70, 88, 99

:D

jinx hi!!! :D

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

honestly, i've never minded either. it always seems like i end up behind the camera though, or the only one of my friends with a camera out. i guess the reason i always have a camera out is because i really want to capture as many of the good memories as i can so i don't forget them. and i know that sometimes it makes me seem weird, but honestly, nothing brings me more joy than watching five-year-old videos of my friends fucking around and laughing in the backseat of our parents' cars. and especially lately it's strange to watch videos of my friends and i back when we were thirteen, since we're all eighteen now and we're so much different than we used to be. it really puts into perspective just how much we've all grown up. on another note, i got a polaroid camera for my 18th birthday about six months ago, and i've been burning so much of my money on film for it (like literally hundreds. film is so fucking expensive it hurts) but honestly i think it's worth it because now i have a massive wall of polaroid photos that are a little bit washed out, a little unfocused, and a short caption and the date written in my own hasty scrawl on the bottom. all of these memories, imperfect as they are, put up in a place where i can see them all the time, really reminds me that i'm not as alone as i think. and i can't wait to take more once i start college.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

my greatest weakness is my crippling anxiety. my greatest strength is my zoloft prescription. Get Owned dopamine imbalance

but in reality, my greatest weakness is definitely my anxiety. it's genuinely fucked me up in more ways than i can count, and looking back now, i'm shocked that i didn't realize that i was a severely anxious kid. my worst fear at age nine was dying slowly and painfully of heart disease, which i was fully convinced was going to happen to me. at age NINE. and i didn't even get officially diagnosed until i was sixteen??? what the fuck?????????? that's not a concern a normal nine year old should be having at all

my greatest strength, though, has gotta be my empathy. my experiences regarding my mental health struggles has been helpful in the sense that i know what it's like to feel really fucking awful. and i know it's something that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. so when someone talks to me about feeling like that, i feel like i can relate to them. and thus i feel like i can help them a little better. i'm in no way perfect, but i'm trying my best to be there for my friends when they need it, and that's gotta count for something.

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?

funnily enough i went to smell the air and i smelled smoke so i had to run around my house and apparently my father left the stove on before he left the house and the kitchen was filling with gas. fun times!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

probably just listening to people talk about what they like. i love it when people listen to me rant on and on and on about stuff i'm passionate about, so i've always assumed it's the same for other people. so far it's worked pretty well.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

not to sound cocky, but absolutely. part of the reason is probably because my love language is physical touch and...none of my irl friends are the same way. i have never platonically cuddled with the homies and that gives me the Big Sad™. i want a platonic bestie who i can cuddle with in bed and discuss my existential fears with. is that too much to ask for

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

a certain floridian politican that i shall not refer to by name. what the fuck did the trans kids do to you to make you hate them so damn much my dude

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

hating people who are different than you is never going to bring you any fulfilment. not everyone is going to adhere to your way of life, and you should stop expecting them to. the world is so much more beautiful with it's diversity, with all its people of different races, genders, sexualities, beliefs, religions, all of it. think of it as a field of wildflowers in a mountain valley. sure, a field of poppies is alright, but it's so much more breathtaking when it's also got cornflowers, asters, daisies, violets, alliums, and yarrows—when there's all different kinds of flowers growing in harmony together. when it's like that, it's got the whole rainbow spectrum. it feels like art. it feels complete. there's no reason to be afraid of people who are different than you, because we're all still people, with dreams and aspirations and hopes and fears and passions. we're all doing our best to be happy. it will never be worth it to try to take that away from someone. go live your life. let them live theirs.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

6.24.23 Saturday

12:59 am

I can't sleep... I have tummy ache... I ate pineapple awhile ago...

Well, people come and go... Still,have windblow trap... You can't force someone to stay if they don't want...

Mike-Bitter Strange was just a weird link to have... I never wanted to put him here coz he was weird and someone who wasn't ready to face the world... It was a simple friendly thing that I tried to grow it but it didn't work to have something and grow more even companionship.... Probably, there are some hindrance within him that he can't say...

Of course it is not about my blemish butt??? Is it because of it??? Hmm... Shallow reason... A black dick? But he never say a thing... I just smiled here though it is just sad...

Glad to know you Mike'z ....I knew it, in a way... It is too far....

I love you, John....Will be together forever...

1:57 am

I still have windblow trap... argh! I have pelvic pain....

Yeah! Right... I still wanna have a colored bf an alien....Mike never say a thing... Hmm...Whew! I need to get my Jesus, I hope and pray I have angels here...

Kinda shocking....But if Mike wants out,I did help him...

I hope and pray that I can have a colored alien bf in a lil while coz I badly need a "support system"... I feel hurt coz I feel alone and nobody will like me anymore... I feel hurt coz of the judgement...

Nobody can say that my next move is not right? Coz normally some mature people will say that you must stand on your own... But life is a case by case... No man is an island or It takes two to tango even Cha2x-Cha? Right?

8:20 am

Uncle Jun looks like an artist today, went to Georgia'Z pack of Zombie'Z...

Well, fixing yourself is "self-love"...

Good Morning Angels!

8:26 am

My biological mother ( Beth ) invited me to attend my half-sister's birthday ( Burger ) today... I'm not gonna attend coz Beth wanted me to be simply a supporter of their chosen "Kate Middeleton" in the family... Beth always tell me that just hang-on with Burger... My deep inside was huh?

Burger is only a high school graduate but she is the most favorite of my family coz they thought even she is not a college graduate Burger is able to go up on her own... I feel super jealous coz I'm just a 2nd choice and a supporter for 16 years...

Burger didn't know me at all....Coz the time that I was with them that I had amnesia but now it is all in one complete.... Time that we had a financial problem here with my adoptive parent's... So, I bonded with her again when she was 15 or 16 and I was 26 that time and with my 3rd xpartner from Kalibo, Aklan ( also the high-commanding surname Denosta there just like the Cantimbuhan here)....

Theory:

Did our Kate Middeleton ( Burger )fuck with my xpartner in Kalibo,Aklan? Without my knowledge???

In the Nutshell:

Sometimes, you wanna smash faces if they didn't help you to complete the puzzle pieces... Sometimes, I need a high-commanding power on other places...

10:50 am

Nobody is helping me...Uncle Jun is on his act again to be an artist of Georgia'Z group...

I feel bitter and I need a new colored alien bf to be my support system...

1:13 pm

I have high standard but I'm a true friend and genuine person...

If you are tight... But wanting the beauty go for these for awhile and get the sachet box still in style..

3:44 pm

Hoping to get a colored alien bf who can be my "support system"...

Who is willing to pamper me on my vanity... I'm a a jealous kind these days... I still wanna go back on tubes and bottles...

Any colored alien bf? Time is running....

6:50 pm

I hate this Uncle Jun for pushing us to support on Burger ( their Kate Middleton )....Uncle Jun said he got a car tomorrow... Iw!

I said it's just Burger! She feel lasalista and very important... I don't wanna see the wealthy people driving their cars...

Georgia'z wealthy kids will be there.. Group of Betzilogs uppish group will be there...

Why, Unlce Jun is pushing us to support on Burger?

Why I can't get a bf coz of them! Are they important???

I was the prettiest here and the baby, why are they so important for 16 years! I feel super jealous!!! I'm the college graduate here! I lost my spot for 16 years... That Burger, taking away my spotlight! I want her dead!

Why, I can't get a bf these days? I was able to get a bf on my own....They are all wealthy... I can get a bf with a car but it depends on the man! Why, can't I these days... I feel jealous!

I feel jealous! Burger is undergraduate!

8:12 pm

In this family it seems Betzilogs reversed the ranking.... I'm the eldest and college graduate but my biological mother wants me to hang on or hanger on with Burger for 16 years....Huh? In a way I should idolize Burger... huh?

10:06 pm

I still have the windblow trap and I feel bitter... I have so many frustration since 2007... They made me feel ugly and fat for those other some FilipiNOSE aside from my weird family...

Anyone can get a bf but not me? It is totally unfair...

Will just take my shower and will tell a story about this living room and the sofa here that I bought... I feel insulted!

[emeren]

such a tease - eren jaeger

👗 anon request <3

pairing: eren jaeger x fem!reader 

word count: 4k

content warnings: 18+, smut, choking, degradation, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, jealousy, possessiveness 

notes: this was an anonymous request and lemme just say, i was SO excited to write this one. i’m unfortunately not super happy with how it turned out, but i’ve been swamped bc school just started back up!

SUMMARY: reader decides to tease eren by wearing a skirt without any underwear for the day, causing her very jealous boyfriend to act out in an unexpected way. 

one look in the mirror was all it took for you to quell your nerves. your fingers ran over the expanse of the pleated skirt, smoothing out any wrinkles and creases. this was bold, even for you, but you knew exactly what you were doing. 

eren had never been particularly shy about his protective nature; he was always making sure people understood you were his girlfriend, wrapping his arm around your waist or glaring at men who stared a little too long. 

you loved that about him, but you loved pushing his buttons even more. he had a bad habit of being an argumentative, hot headed little shit, and teasing him like this was asking for some rough, animalistic gesture. that was exactly what you wanted. 

you’d never neglected to wear underwear in a skirt this short, the fabric stopping just below your ass. you knew you’d have to be careful or you would end up flashing jean or armin, and that would drive eren up a wall. 

you hoped eren wouldn’t notice until you were all out; meaning there would be nothing he could do about it. teasing him was one of your favorite things to do. 

you heard your phone buzz quietly from your bed, picking up the small device and seeing eren’s name at the top. 

lil shit <3: get ur ass out here we’ve been waiting forever 

the eye roll that naturally came to you was strong, giving yourself one final once over in the mirror before heading out of your apartment. you couldn’t help the nervous smile that teased at your lips once you left the building, connie’s beat up minivan sitting at the curb. riding in his car was never the first choice; it was musty and had suspicious stains on the carpeting, but it was the only one that fit all of your friends. 

connie laid on the horn as soon as he saw you, the rest of your friends yelling from inside the vehicle as you approached. you could see jean in the passenger seat, jogging up to the rear door with a knot of nervousness in your stomach. you placed one hand on your thigh to keep the skirt from riding up as you slid the van door open. 

sasha and mikasa were stuffed in the small backseat, armin and eren sitting in the middle row. it was comical to see eren in the spot generally reserved for the smallest passenger, but you had no doubt that he wanted to sit in the middle because of you. he was petty like that - a trait that made teasing him all the more fun. 

“hey guys,” you smiled, sliding into the van as your friends all greeted you at once. your eyes were on connie, who was craning his neck to give you a rather incredulous look. 

you felt eren stiffen as you sat down, reaching for the seatbelt. connie decided to speak up before you had a chance to question it. “dude, come ooooon. what the hell took you so long?” 

“sorry, i was distracted and my phone was on my bed,” you explained, connie resolutely rolling his eyes in response. 

“let’s go already, i’m starving!” sasha wailed from the back, shaking your seat in front of her. you giggled at her desperation, finally turning to your boyfriend as connie sped away from the curb. 

you were surprised to see that eren was already staring at you, a weird glint in his eyes. you gave him a smile, trying to act innocent. “hi.” 

he didn’t say anything, just looked forward and placed his large hand on your bare thigh. it wasn’t that it was unusual for him to do so in front of your friends, in fact it was normal. you just weren’t used to him placing it so high; so high that the tip of his pinky dipped beneath the fabric of your skirt and threatened to inch towards the apex of your leg. 

had he already noticed?

“took you awhile to get ready,” eren commented, his words only being heard by you as everyone else in the car chatted about going bowling. you glanced back up at him, eyes scanning his face. he was wearing a black t-shirt and sweats, the customary ‘i don’t care about anything’ outfit he always seemed to adorn. the cold metal of the ring on his middle finger did little to ease your nerves. 

“yeah, i was just thinking about some stuff and got distracted,” you lied, smiling up at him. he was looking at you from the side of his eyes, jaw clenched. 

“really?” he breathed, his hand shifting ever so slightly up your leg. his smallest finger teased at the crease of your thigh, head leaning down to whisper in your ear. “were you thinking about some stuff or were you forgetting about some stuff?”

your breath hitched, face growing hot as you struggled for something to say. connie, once again, beat you to the punch. “oi! lovebirds! no canoodling in my back seat!”

“we weren’t canoodling,” eren sneered, pulling away and moving his hand to just above your knee. he squeezed the skin generously, your slight embarrassment about eren’s public displays of affection quickly wearing off. “i was just saying, it looks like she forgot a coat.” 

jean snorted from the front seat. “yeah and because you’re a dumbass who doesn’t wear one either, i’m gonna have to give her mine later.” 

jean’s lighthearted words lit a devious lightbulb in your mind, the gears of your plan now in full swing. you leaned forwards, wrapping your arms around the back of the chair and consequently jean’s broad chest. you leaned your head to the side, a grin on your face.

“you really are too sweet to me, jean-jean!” you cooed, the feeling of eren’s grip tightening on your thigh an indication of just how well this was working in your favor. jean chuckled at the familiar nickname, hand coming up to pat your arms wrapped around him. 

you let go and slid back into your spot, eren’s face clearly peeved at your display of affection. for once, you had the upper hand. and you were going to milk it all the way. 

the local bowling alley was a small, dank building that prided itself on its catering towards college students without much else to do. as connie skidded to a stop in his self-designated parking spot, the legacy of the building seemed to live up to its expectations. 

eren hadn’t said anything else on the ride over, just kept his hand protectively (and respectfully) placed on your lower thigh. you were much more careful sliding out of the car this time, hand blatantly coming down to cover your ass. you knew that eren was watching you, as he was quick to follow you from the vehicle and stand behind your brazen figure. 

he wrapped his arms lazily around your waist, resting his chin on the top of your head as you waited for your friends to pile out of the car. you’d grown accustomed to his touchy nature, suddenly deciding to press your ass against his groin. the gesture was small, but you could feel eren’s dick harden within his pants. 

“careful!” he hissed, hopping back in an attempt to shake away his sudden erection. you snickered to yourself, giving him a glance over your shoulder as you followed your friends into the building. 

the interior was the same as it’d always been; drowned out with black lights and the smell of wax. it was the kind of atmosphere that reminded you of your earliest days of childhood; attending large birthday parties and eating way too much cheaply made cake. 

the attendant was a short man named george, one who’d acknowledged connie’s arrival with annoyance. 

“head to our usual lane guys,” connie pointed, a grin on his features. you all made your way towards lane ten, eren in a sulking tow behind you.

as everyone began to sit down, jean motioned for you to sit next to him. “each side will be opposing teams. we’ve gotta be on the same team, per usual.” he called innocently. 

you and jean had dominated your friend group bowling tournaments each time before, and you figured this would be no different. you started towards him, surprised when you felt eren’s hand wrap around your wrist. 

“she’s going to be on my team this time, if you don’t mind,” eren stated in a quipped tone, something that would normally go undetected by jean due to their frenemy behavior. you knew that eren’s words were coming from a place of jealousy, sincerely trying to hide your sadistic grin.

jean scoffed, shaking his head. “yeah, right, jaeger. she’s going to be on connie and i’s team, like always.” 

you nodded your head in agreement, spinning to face your boyfriend. your skirt lifted ever so slightly at the action, eren’s teal eyes snapping to the garment with an annoyed perseverance. “don’t worry, i’ll take it easy on you.” 

he knew what you were doing. he knew that the thought of a part of you - a part specifically reserved for him - nearly on display for anyone who cared enough to pay attention, was enough to fill him with a primal sense of possessiveness. 

eren had never been particularly good at hiding his emotions. in fact, he’d been known to let them consume him in an embarrassingly juvenile way. as you sat down next to jean, your bare leg bumping his, eren couldn’t suppress the annoyance that washed over him. he folded his arms, the thought of your tight little- 

“eren?” armin called out, eren snapping from his lewd thought process. you took notice, leaning down to tie your bowling shoes. “did you hear me? i said here’s your shoes.” 

you listened to eren clear his throat and apologize, deciding to chat with jean and connie as everyone got ready to play. 

the final straw in your plan hadn’t even happened on purpose. it’d come to you itself, as if the powers that be were purposefully trying to get you rammed into oblivion. it came after the first few rounds of bowling, after a few near misses with jean regarding the skirt, each one sinking eren further into his foul mood. it came in the form of a lanky, awkward looking employee. 

he couldn’t have been any older than eighteen, carrying sasha’s order of nacho fries and your coca cola. he’d meant his comment to be nice as you got up to grab your drink. he hadn’t meant to say something that would send your childish boyfriend over the edge. 

“oh, uh, i like your skirt,” he’d commented awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. you smiled politely in response, eyes flitting over to eren. and if looks could kill, that awkward teenage boy would’ve been dead on sight. 

eren’s eyebrows were furrowed, jaw clenched tightly. you felt your cheeks heat as he made eye contact with the boy, standing from his seat. eren was tall, looming behind you as he protectively wrapped himself around your figure. 

“thanks,” he said flatly, pressing his face into the crook of your neck. you held your breath at the feeling of eren deeply exhaling against the sensitive skin, large hands squeezing your hips. the boy quickly looked at the ground, nodding before deciding to leave. eren waited until he was gone to remove himself from you, an annoyed twitch in his eye. “fucking little pervert.” 

you rolled your eyes, taking a generous swig from your coke. “he was just being nice.” 

eren glared at you, watching as you started back towards your friends. “nice my ass. i know you’re doing this just to rile me up.” 

“what ever do you mean?” you snickered, purposefully swaying your hips as eren scoffed, plopping back down in his seat. 

you made your way over to your teammates, sitting down and watching armin finish his turn. a couple minutes went by, chugging your coke and getting ready for connie to take his turn. 

“i think i’m gonna go use the bathroom,” you hummed, jean nodding his head in understanding. you waited until connie tossed the bowling ball down the lane, effectively missing all of the pins. you knew you’d drank the soda way too fast, standing from the bench and making your way towards the dimly lit restrooms. 

they were dark inside, with red lighting like something out of a sex club. you pushed the heavy door open, quickly locking it behind you and relieving yourself. 

as you washed your hands in the sink, you thought about just how riled up eren was getting. it was humorous, in more ways than one, but you couldn’t help the slight guilt that crept up the back of your neck about your actions. 

but then again, it wasn’t like eren wasn’t known himself for being a tease. you couldn’t count the number of times where he’d purposefully made you jealous or grabbed your ass in an inopportune moment. so what was the harm in giving him a taste of his own medicine? 

you flattened your hands against the skirt, making sure it was straight before unlocking the door and heaving it open, stepping out into the dark hallway. 

you jumped back at the appearance of a dark figure leaning against the wall, defensively clutching your chest as you stood in front of your slightly amused boyfriend. 

“mind if we chat?” he asked, voice edging an emotion that you knew you couldn’t get into at the moment. your eyes glanced down the end of the hallway, no one in sight. you looked back to him, his pink lips turned upwards, the word ‘gotcha’ written all over his face.

“we should probably head back out there,” you mumbled, trying to ignore the way eren was sizing you up. he just smiled, pushing himself from the wall and taking a step towards you. all of the confidence you’d had in your teasing flew out the window, swallowing at the downfall of your plan.

“don’t worry. i told ‘em my mom was calling,” he purred in response, index finger coming up to gently trace against your jaw. it was his turn to be smug; everyone in your friend group knew that carla’s phone calls were a draw out, lengthy affair. he’d trapped you. 

you held your breath as he stepped forward, slowly tilting your jaw to place a deceivingly sweet kiss to the skin. you felt embarrassed at the way your cunt throbbed at the action, his lips moving to tease the shell of your ear. “but what about me?” 

“what about you?” eren sneered, his voice turning slightly sour, fingers roughly gripping your jaw as he placed a kiss right below your ear. “this is what you were asking for, wasn’t it? now be a good girl and go back into the bathroom for me.” 

you hesitated for a moment, thinking about your friends bowling a mere 100 feet away. eren’s eyes were dark, and the churning you could feel at the pit of your stomach was only making it harder to resist. 

all it took was the thought of eren bending you over the sink, fucking you stupid for you to demurely shift in place, turning to shove the bathroom door open once again. you could feel your neck burning at the thought of how easily you’d just submitted, but you wanted this. more than anything. 

the bathroom was no desirable place; it smelled like generic soap and had discarded pieces of toilet paper on the ground. eren didn’t seem to care, gingerly locking the door behind himself before roughly shoving you forward facing against the cool, knock off linoleum countertop. 

you could feel his hard dick pressing against your ass, your reflections in the dirty mirror lit under the red lightbulbs. he was commanding; aggressively grinding himself into you, your skirt beginning to ride up at the motion.

eren made eye contact with you in the glass, one hand coming forward to tilt your neck to the side. he slowly brought his lips down, peppering the skin till his mouth met the base of your neck. he made sure you were watching as he pressed his tongue flatly against the skin, your breath hitching as you watched him drag the wet muscle up to your jawline. 

“you’re such a tease,” he growled against you, rolling his hips into your ass. you could feel your skirt starting to ride up even more, the cold air uncomfortable. “’s’hot, knowing your pretty little cunt is so exposed.” 

his hand on your jaw slipped around your throat, squeezing lightly in warning as he flipped the edge of your skirt up.

you squeaked as his other hand snaked between your legs, middle two fingers slowly sliding themselves between your already soaking center. he rubbed at your clit, breath hot against your neck as he forced you to watch him through the mirror. 

“look at how pretty you are,” he mumbled as he plunged his two digits inside of you, the sudden sensation causing a gasp to leave your lips. he wasn’t playing nice; roughly digging his fingers all the way to the last knuckle. his other hand squeezed your throat tighter. it hurt, but you couldn’t help the way your cunt clenched around him, chest tightening. “so pretty for me. n’only me.”

he slowed his fingers, pumping in and out of you, the sound of your slick causing him to grow impossibly harder. the feeling of his cock pressed against the flesh of your ass sent another throb to your cunt, eren smirking in response. 

“needy for my cock after teasing all day?” he asked, stuffing his fingers particularly deep, a strangled moan slipping past your lips. you struggled to nod your head against his grasp, the feeling of his fingers sliding in and out of you at such a rhythmic pace causing you to grind your hips against his hand and subsequently his cock. 

he quickly pulled his fingers out from inside of you, hand growing tighter around your throat. “you were such a little whore today. a little whore who needs to learn a thing or two.” 

you could feel tears prickling in your eyes, eren’s hand that was wrapped around your throat coming up to pry your mouth open. you didn’t have a chance to react before he was slipping his sheen coated fingers past your lips, the saccharine flavor hitting your tastebuds. 

“suck for me, pretty girl,” he said lowly, hooded eyes watching you in the mirror. you did as you were told, wrapping your lips around his knuckles and swirling your tongue around his fingers. the taste wasn’t completely pleasant or unpleasant, your mouth releasing with a smack. 

eren pressed down on your tongue with his fingers, saliva filling your mouth before he dragged the two digits down your chin and throat, leaving a shiny trail in their wake. 

he brought his hands down to roughly grope your chest, your own hands pressing against the countertop to keep you steady. eren gripped the hem of your sweater, forcing the fabric up to your midsection. 

“off, take it off.” he demanded, leaning back from you but still keeping his groin pressed against your ass. you were quick to oblige, pulling it over your head. as you did so, you could feel eren palming your ass under the skirt, his dark eyes fixated on the sight of your little skirt riding up on your skin. 

you dropped the sweater to the ground, knowing you’d regret it later, but you couldn’t be bothered. eren didn’t wait, letting go of your ass to unclasp your bra, the undergarment falling into the empty sink. he palmed at your newly exposed breasts, fingers pinching at your hardened nipples. 

he was watching you in the mirror, the sight of you batting your eyelashes with your saliva on your chin only making him more possessive. it sent a twitch to his cock, hands releasing from your chest to shove you against the cold glass. 

“want me to show this pretty cunt who it belongs to, hm?” eren nearly growled, the thought of jean or that employee ever being lucky enough to see you like this pushing him over the edge. 

you tried to nod against the mirror, your breasts pressed against the cold material only aiding the way your center throbbed mercilessly for whatever eren was about to do. his hand came up to fist your hair, the other haphazardly yanking down his sweats and boxers. 

you could see his veiny cock slap against his stomach through the mirror, the tingling in your clit multiplying at the sight of it. eren smirked at your staring. 

“fuck,” he hissed, his gaze drawn to your skirt pooled around your waist, glistening center ready for him to abuse. and he couldn’t wait any longer, rubbing the tip of his cock between your legs. 

a gasp ripped through your throat at just how deeply eren thrusted into you, his hips hitting your ass with a loud smack. it hurt; his brows furrowed as he completely pulled out from you, just to ram himself back inside your tight cunt. 

“what’s wrong?” eren asked breathlessly, pounding into you as hard as he could. you were jerking against the mirror, mouth open as your nose began to tingle; a tell-tale sign of tears. your boyfriend had a sadistic smile on his face, a piece of hair falling from his bun to rest against his forehead. 

“ah- hurts,” you gasped out, the sound of eren pounding into you filling the small space. eren hit you with a particularly deep angled thrust, the tip of his cock brushing your cervix. he tightly fisted your hair, yanking on the follicles as hit other hand gripped your waist for better leverage. it hurt so bad, but so good.  

“look at you, look at you take my cock like this,” he said, voice gravelly as he began to buck his hips faster. you could feel the hot tears rolling down your cheeks, eren’s hand around your waist moving to guide your knee up onto the counter top for better leverage. the pain lessened with his movement, his animalistic thrusts growing pleasurable. “such a good little whore. a little whore who’ll only let me fuck her like this, hm?” 

you moaned out against the glass, eren yanking your hair as an indication for a worded response. “yes-yes. all for you, only you.” 

eren groaned out at your words, his head leaning back as he slammed into you from behind. he was blurry as your breath fogged the glass, but just the image of him bucking his cock deep within your throbbing cunt was enough to have you seeing stars. 

he was filling you up so nice, pressing himself against you as the veins in his arms grew prominent. you could feel him twitching inside of you, your own center clenching around him as he made sure you knew you were his. 

“such a little tease, showing off her pretty little cunt like that,” eren moaned out, shamelessly loud. he buried himself within you, your eyes rolling back in your head as the building anticipation between your legs became too much to bear. 

“eren-” you heaved, him quickening his pace, hitting your cervix over and over. it was enough to make the tears come back, your vision becoming hot white as he bucked his hips once more, stuffing his cock impossibly deep within you. your orgasm didn’t reach its climax until you felt eren’s length twitch, effectively filling you with his cum. 

the high was incredible; the cold mirror a stark contrast to the hot, burning sensation as eren thrusted out his own climax. 

the two of you stood for a moment, mirror foggy and bathroom humid as you recollected your composure. when eren did pull out, he watched his cum slowly drip down your thigh, fingers attempting to stuff it back inside of you. 

“don’t let it drip out,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your sweaty cheek. you could only roll your eyes, peeling yourself from the glass. he gingerly pulled his pants back up, delivering a swift swat to your ass as he stood straight again. 

“y’know, you should wear skirts more often.” 

“you should get jealous more often.” 

“sounds like a deal to me.” 

<3 <3 <3

[rowyn-writes]

A Mother's Love (Dean x Wife!Reader)

Warnings: Language, fluff, major angst, implications of divorce, arguing, Dean being mean to Jack

Pairings: Dean x Wife!Reader

Characters: Dean, Jack, Sam, Reader, Cas (mentioned only)

Word count: 2.7k

You threw your bag down as you entered the bunker, exhausted from your last hunt. This was one of the rare cases where you worked alone.

Sometimes you needed the time to yourself, away from all the men. Sometimes you would go hunting with Jody and Claire, but even then, those two argued like cats and dogs.

"Y/N," Jack smiled as you entered the kitchen. "How was the hunt?"

"It was pretty good, actually." You grinned as you sat across from him. "I was chasing down this werewolf in Tennessee, and it was really strange. He'd kill one person, turn the next, and repeat that cycle."

"That's. . . Weird." He furrowed his eyebrows.

"That's what I said. Well," You continued on with the story of your hunt, watching as Jack's eyes widened in amazement and awe.

"Y/N?" Dean called your name, entering the kitchen. "Hey, sweetheart. I didn't know you were home?"

You stood up, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Sorry, babe. I got sidetracked. I was just telling Jack about my trip." You smiled, looking over at the boy. You were concerned, as the smile fell from his face and he looked away from you and Dean. "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah," He nodded, not meeting your eye. "I'll give you two some space." He mumbled as he walked out of the kitchen.

"Does he seem off to you?" You asked Dean.

"Nah, he acts like he usually does. Squirrelly and weird."

"Says the squirrel himself." You rolled your eyes. "Did something happen while I was gone?"

Dean said nothing as he looked down, an obvious indicator that he was guilty of something. "Dean," You growled lowly. "Did you say something to Jack? Something that would upset him somehow?"

When Dean didn't give you an answer, you shook your head as you follow Jack to his room.

"Jack." You called out. He seemed to be lost in thought, as he didn't react to your words. "Jack!" You said louder, causing him to turn around. There was a tiny amount of fear in his eyes. If you didn't know him, it wouldn't have affected you.

"What's wrong?" You asked softly, resting your hand on his shoulder.

"Nothing." He spoke. "Why would anything be wrong?"

"Jack, I saw how you reacted when Dean came in. You looked like a kicked puppy. Don't tell me it's nothing, kiddo."

In the time you had known Jack, you had grown to care for him deeply. You had always wanted kids, but in this life, it wasn't possible. Well, it was, but you knew you didn't want your children to do what you do. So when Jack was born, you felt extremely happy because it felt like you finally had a child. Albeit, he did look twenty.

"Dean doesn't like me very much." He admitted.

"I'm sure that's not true. . ." You argued weakly. In all honesty, you didn't think Dean liked Jack either. It's not like he was abusive, but he did treat him differently than everyone else.

"But it is, Y/N."

"How do you know, Jack? With Dean, it takes him time to warm up to people. It took him months to actually trust me. He's a cautious person."

"Did he threaten you too?" Jack asked, genuinely curious. His head was tilted to the side, his honey blonde hair falling into his eyes. He had gotten that head tilt from Cas.

"Dean. . . Threatened you?" You whispered hoarsely.

"Yes," He nodded. "He told me if I hurt you or Sam, or anyone, that he would be the one to hunt me down and kill me."

Your mouth popped open in horror. You could never imagine your sweet, loveable, goofy Dean threatening Jack. "What else did he say, Jack? Did he say anything prior to this?"

"He said that he doesn't think that I can be saved. He said that even though you and Sam think that I can, that he doesn't."

"Jack, you don't need to be saved. There is no saving to do. You are a good kid. You would never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. I'm so sorry. I should have been there." You sigh.

"He's not wrong, Y/N. I can't be saved. What if I turn out like my father, my real father."

You frowned as you cupped his face in your hands. "Jack, you are nothing, and I mean nothing, like Lucifer. You are just like your mother. You are sweet, caring, and you are empathetic. Just like Kelly."

"You really believe that?" He whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

"No, I don't believe it, Jack. I know it. You are nothing like Lucifer. If anything, you are much more like Castiel."

"Really?" He smiled.

"Yeah," You nodded. "You see, I don't know if you know this, but Cas does this little thing where he tilts his head to the side if he doesn't understand something or if he's perplexed. And I noticed that you do the same thing." Jack's smile widened as you removed your hands from his face. "And neither of you have any knowledge of pop culture. Even though Cas was here for a lot longer than you, he never understood a single reference any of us made. Even if it was something like Scooby Doo." You giggled, feeling your throat tightening at the thought of your dead friend. "And you two state the obvious a lot. Not in a bad way, more in a comedic way. It lightens the mood nearly every time. Cas would rarely smile. When I asked him why, he would say that the world was going to hell and he didn't have anything to smile about. But when he did smile, it would make everyone else smile with him. The same goes for you. Just seeing that little toothy grin of yours makes me smile. I mean hell, you two even look a lot alike."

"Could you tell me more about him?" Jack asked.

"Of course, but I have something to take care of first. Then you and I will cuddle up and watch a movie and I'll tell you everything you want to know about Cas, okay?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." He spoke. "Before you go, could I ask you something?" You nodded. "If I were to have a mother figure, and I called her mom, do you think my mother would be upset?"

"No, sweetheart, I don't think she would be upset. I think that she would be happy that there's someone down here taking care of you and you feel comfortable enough to call them mom." You said, completely oblivious as to what Jack was suggesting.

"Then. . . Could I call you mom?"

You felt the air leave your lungs as his words hit you like a truck. Jack watched as tears welled up in your eyes. Jack was horrified; he had never meant to make you cry. "Yo-you want to call me m-mom?" You stammer.

"If you're not comfortable with it I understand. I'm sorry, Y/N, I-"

You cut him off with a tight embrace. "Of course you can call me mom." You whisper, squeezing the boy tightly.

"Why are you crying?" He questioned.

"These are happy tears, Jack. I'm not upset. It's just. . . I never thought that I would have children, but then you came along, and you gave me what I wanted. You gave me a chance to be a mother."

"Thank you for being here for me, mom."

You gave Jack a huge smile as you pulled away. "Okay," You said, putting a hand on his arm. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to deal with my ass of a husband."

---

"Dean Winchester," You boomed, roaming around the bunker in search for your husband.

"Ooooh, you're in trouble." You hear Sam snicker.

"But I didn't do anything. Wait, what day is it?" Dean asked frantically.

"April ninth." Sam quipped.

"Okay, no birthday, no anniversary, so there's that."

You entered The Dean Cave, as Dean called it, seeing red. "What the hell, Winchester." You growled. "Sam, out. Now."

"You don't have to tell me twice." Sam said, grabbing his bowl of popcorn and walking out of the room.

"Yes, darling, sweetheart, love of my life. What can I do for you?" Dean spoke sweetly, giving you those stupid, green doe eyes.

"Jack told me." You said simply. "He told me what you said to him. That if it comes down to killing him, that you would be the one to do it. That there was no saving him."

"Y/N, you have to understand where I'm coming from." He tried to reason with you. "You should have seen him. He was stabbing himself with a knife! And it closed up like it was nothing! It's not  normal. He's not normal."

"And?! None of us are normal, Dean. We've all died and came back to life. Sam didn't have a soul, he was hooked on demon blood, yet you were still there for him. You still believed in him. You died and became a demon, you bore the Mark of Cain and had a thing for God's friggin sister! And I still loved you through it. I have been brainwashed and manipulated into hurting all of you, and you still forgave me! Cas betrayed us, and we were still there for him. None of us are fucking normal! So what the hell, Dean? You're holding a grudge against Jack just because of who his dad is?"

"His father is Lucifer, Y/N!"

"Well that's stating the goddamn obvious!" You yelled.

"He could turn on us at any moment! We don't know this kid. We don't know what he can do."

"So we learn, Dean! We should help him figure out his way. Guide him in the right direction. Show him what a true, loving family looks like!"

"We are not his family, Y/N! And he's not our family. He never will be." Dean argued.

You flinched back, glaring at Dean. "How dare you! You son of a bitch! Whether you believe it or not, Jack is family. To me and to Sam. We care about him and love him!"

"He doesn't even know what love means!"

"Yes, he does! Because he feels things, Dean. He cares. He cares about all of us, including you. You know, he asked me if he could call me mom today. Did you know that? He trusts me and cares for me so much that he sees me as a mother figure."

"He's got you brainwashed, Y/N! Can't you see that?!"

"If he looked like his actual age, would you be acting like this?"

"What kind of question is that." He scoffed.

"If Jack looked four months old instead of twenty, would you still be treating him like this?" You asked steadily. Dean remained silent. "See! He is four months old, no matter how old he looks, he's still a baby."

"So, what, you want me to change his diaper or some shit?"

"No! I want you to treat him like a human being!" You yelled.

"But he's not human!"

You and Dean stood your ground, neither of you letting up. "Fine. I'm leaving then. And I'm taking Jack with me."

"No, you're not."

"Fucking watch me, Dean. I can't even look at you right now. Because you are not the man I married. That man was compassionate and caring. This one isn't. And until he comes back, I'm staying away." You cried.

Before Dean could get another word out, you left the den. You noticed that Sam was standing in the hallway, giving you a saddened look. "You're really leaving?"

"I'm sorry, Sam." You sobbed. "But I can't be around him right now. And I don't think Jack should be either. We're going to my parents house for a while. And until he gets his shit together, I'm not coming back.

"I know. I don't understand why Dean is acting like this." He mumbled.

"I don't either. It's so unlike him." You agreed.

"So what are you going to tell Jack?"

"Just that we're going to take a little road trip and visit my parents. I don't know, Sam, this whole thing is so strange to me. But I know have to go."

Sam frowned as he pulled you into a hug. "I'm really going to miss you. But you do what you need to do. And if you ever need anything, you call me, okay? I don't care what time of day it is, call me."

"I will." You squeeze Sam tightly. "Thank you for being an amazing brother and best friend." You pulled away, teary eyed as you parted from your brother in law. "I hope to be back soon."

You softly knocked on Jack's door before entering. "Hey, Jack." You smiled.

"Mom!" He said excitedly. "Are we going to watch movies now?"

"Actually, there's been a change of plans. Me and you are going on a road trip to visit my parents."

"Really? Are Sam and Dean coming with us?"

You swallowed hard, a lump forming in your throat. "No, actually. This is a trip just for us. Sam and Dean wanted to stay here just in case they find a case or something that can get Mary back from apocalypse world. So I'm going to help you pack and then we can get on the road."

---

You had sent Jack to your car, having him put everything in the trunk while you finished up things in the bunker. The last thing you grabbed was a machete that belonged to your father before he gave it to you.

"Don't go." A voice whispered. You turned to see Dean, who looked like he had been crying. "Please don't leave."

You swallowed hard, feeling tears rush to your eyes once more. "Will you accept Jack as family?"

"Y/N-" Dean said, exasperated. "He can stayed here but he's not family."

"That's not good enough, Dean. Because I know how you act around people you don't trust."

"You can't force me to trust him." Dean scoffed.

"That's not what I want. I want you to get to know him. I want you to try."

"Y/N. . . I just. . . I can't."

"I think. . . I think we need time apart." You mumbled.

"Y/N, please –"

"Only for a little bit." You assured him. "They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all." You gave him a sad smile, trying to control your tears.

You turned to leave before Dean's voice stopped you. "If you leave, then we're over. That's it. Don't bother coming home."

You sighed as you looked back at Dean. You cupped his face in your hands and gave him a slow, sensual kiss. You could feel salty tears on your lips as you memorized how Dean's mouth felt against yours. It was warm and soft. You could taste the remnants whiskey on his breath.

You pulled away slightly, resting your forehead on Dean's. You felt tears streaming down your face as you looked the man you had grown to love over the past ten years. You had been through hell and back, literally. You had lost each other, fell out of love and back in love.

"This isn't goodbye, Dean." You whimpered. "I swear it isn't. I love you with every part of my soul. I'm not choosing Jack over you, okay? I just need time. I need you to wait for me."

"That's all I've ever done, Y/N." Dean shook his head. "I waited on you when you were in relationships, when you were heartbroken, when your sister died, I waited on you to love me back. I'm tired of waiting. I will always love you, and you'll always be with me. You've changed me, and I'm so thankful for it. You've made me a better man. But I can't. . . I can't keep doing this, Y/N." He whispered as he slipped off his wedding band. "This is goodbye." He set the ring in your hand, curling your fingers around it. "Goodbye, sweetheart." He gave you one final kiss. But this one was rough and full of passion. It really was goodbye.

"Dean, please." You cried. He pressed a swift kiss to the crown of your head before leaving you standing alone in the library. Sobs racked through your body as you clutched Dean's ring to your chest. "Please come back." You whispered.

You wiped your face of tears and stuck Dean's ring in your pocket. There would be time for tears later. Right now you just needed to get out of the bunker. As you looked around the library, you realized you had never felt this alone.

[blogevaawrites]

BIG DEAL

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: smut, cheating, angst

Summary: After being away of you boyfriend for three weeks, you come to Chris’s  house after he had thrown a party where you met a girl you haven’t see ever. The beginning of the relationship was unconventional so you couldn’t do anything else but suspect.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Epilogue

“It’s not fair” the voice from de other side of the phone was deep, he was slurring his words. I did recognize it, it was hard to forget it, but it was quite odd hearing him like that, so drunk that he couldn’t speak.

“Chris? It’s 3:00 am. I was sleeping.” I said sitting on the bed better.

“Oh yeah? How does that feel? You know what? I was doing it fine. I let you go; I was getting you out of my head. Why it's so fucking easy for you to get into it?” he sounded sad and mad at the same time.

“Chris, I’m sorry if what I told you hurt your feelings, it was mean, I know. I'm really sorry. Your personal life is not my business anymore.” He didn’t let me finish. He wasn’t interested in my apologies.

“I wanted everything of that with you. I wanted a wedding, I wanted to find a fucking house together, a big fucking house to have a big fucking family. I made up my mind to have kids, adopt two and maybe have one, because that was your dream family. And fuck! I wanted it so much, I wanted to be part of that fucking dream so much. I don't want it if you aren't in the equation. Why it's so hard to believe for you? Why don't you want everything of that just with me? It's not fucking fair, why are you still in my head? How can you be so collected?” his words brought me back to the time I told him my dream.

He was staying in my apartment after being away for a couple weeks, he couldn’t sleep because of the jetlag and I wasn’t tired either, he was happy for my sleeplessness, he hated being alone in somebody’s else house. We went to get a few donuts, one of the perks of living in NY was, no matter what time is it, you can always find some food.

I remembered we walked the entire night, just talking, enjoying each other’s company.

He told me about his family, about his relationships with his parents, with his siblings and he explained to the adoption’s process of his sister. I told him about my workmate who thought that adopting a child and having a baby was not the same, that he wouldn’t take care of a someone’s child. He was so absorbed in his donut that he responded without looking at me.

“Sorry, if he’s your friend, but he’s an idiot. Being a parent is about loving, taking care of and protecting a child, not a biological relation.” I saw him in a different way, in that moment I realized I loved him. He continued in his unawareness and asked me about my family, and my dream family.

I told him about what kind a family I wanted. I wanted to have a big one, a big house, a couple animals and a house in the woods. He laughed “I would never have said you were like that.”

“What? Why?” I tried to look offended, but it wasn’t the first time I got that. “I don’t know, you love living here, your tiny apartment and your demanding job.” he was right, I loved that, but I had always lived by my own, I was used to it. “My apartment it’s not tiny.”

“Honey, you don’t have a dog because of it.” He spoke. “It’s a standard-sized apartment in NY” I defended “That is just another statement in my favor” he laughed.

“Are you okay?” I asked coming back to the reality.

“I thought I was until I saw you. How can you be so happy? Why can you live without me when I’m not able…” he blurted out all his inside feelings, I knew him, I knew he wouldn’t tell me those things if he was sober or calm. He is so impulsive. I knew he was going to regret it later. “Chris…” I interrupted him but he didn’t stop. “Fuck, I miss you and I don’t want to.”

“I’m sorry” I said calmly. He didn’t respond. The line was alive, but he was in completely silence.  “Chris?” and I didn’t hear nothing else.

I put my phone back on my nightstand while the conversation came to my mind. I don’t usually come to L.A, but I was Linda’s birthday, and we came to celebrate it. The club was new and kind of exclusive, I shouldn’t have been so surprised of finding him there.

He was chatting with a girl; I couldn’t see her face, but I could see him. He was so close to her, caressing his arm and touching her face. I wasn’t sure if I was on his vison, but it hurt me a bit he didn’t notice me.

The night went fine, I tried to forget about him and enjoyed the rest of the night. At some point, I went out to smoke a cigarette, I wasn’t a smoker but sometimes it feels good.

“Can I have one?” he said, I recognized his voice, I could feel his presence. I turned around to face him. I handed him one cigarette, trying to look calm. “Thank you.” He said with a smile. We stared for a few minutes until he spoke. “You look gorgeous. Your hair in that way, it has always been my favorite.” I give him a little smile as a thank you. “You look...taken.” I said, I shouldn’t have, he was free to do what he wanted. I had to admit that it bothered me, I got jealous. He didn’t look bother, anyway. He shook his head with a shy smile. “Well, you’re wrong. I’m completely single.”

“Is she aware of that? It doesn’t work if one of both doesn’t know it.” I said, he didn’t look hurt or annoyed by my words. He looked cheerful. “Ouch! Low blow. She is, don’t worry.” He said, looking at me right into my eyes. He is so flirty with a few drinks. “We are just friends. I’m not very good at relationships.” He spoke.

“I wouldn’t say that you’re not very good at it, you just miss the monogamy part. I thought you were ready to settle down. I guess they’re right, talk is cheap.” I threw out my wasted cigarette and was ready to say goodbye, but his face changed. He looked mad then, he didn’t say anything, but I noticed his mood wasn’t the same. I went too far. He got inside the club before me, without a word.

In the morning, I checked my phone. He didn’t call me again, but he did send me text.

       “Sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have call you I was drunk and being an asshole. I`m so sorry. I won’t bother you again. Take care of yourself!”

After the day he left, we didn’t talk for three months. We didn’t have a tough conversation since then. He sent me flowers with a simple note for my birthday but nothing else.

“Hey girl! Why are you up so early?” Linda spoke, entering the room. “It’s 1 p.m.” I said joking. “Whatever! It’s my birth-weekend, if I said it’s early it is” she said with a big smile. “Why are you awake? We needed this, enjoy it and go back to bed.” she asked again.”

“I saw Chris last night” I said simply. “Where? At the club? I didn’t see him. Are you okay?” she got worry.

“Yes, at the club. And yes, I’m okay. We talked and I was being mean and kind of a bitch. He got mad and called me later. It was weird.” I responded.

“Why were you being mean? Did he tell you something?”

“He was with somebody. I don’t know, I got jealous.” It was hard for me to admit that I wasn’t like that I was completely against that but couldn’t help it.

“It’s normal, you were deeply in love with him.” He said before kissing me head.

We walked around the city and get lunch at a very nice and modern place. I didn’t think about him for the rest of the day.

“I know he lied and cheated but he is so fucking good looking.” Lucy commented suddenly. All of us got confuse until I turned around to see what she was staring at. A big billboard promoting his new film. Indeed, he was hot but in the picture he was breathtaking.

“Isn’t a shit that he is everywhere? I mean he is your ex.” Vanessa asked eating his meal.

“Yes. I guess.” I said simply. The topic of the conversation didn’t last long.

I didn’t realize he was everywhere until she mentioned it. The rest of the day he was in everything, Instagram, TV, even in the street.

I couldn’t take him out of my head.

“You are on every-fucking-where. Your face is all over this place.” I laughed, entering his house, he was filming something in L.A and I got a few days off to be with him. He was the face of a new fragrance so pictures of him were everywhere. For the first time in our relationship, I realized how famous he was. L.A was the place where I was with an actor and the rest of the world I was just with a guy. We were getting home from a night out. We were kind of drunk, not too much but in a very happy mood. “Oh! Shut up!” he said laughing. “Oh! Sorry sir, I don’t want to bother a such an important person. I will be a good girl.” I mocked, before I could do anything else, he took my face to his. “Will you?” he asked seductively, he kissed me deeply, holding my face firmly. His touches were always like that, comforting, protective and loving. I nodded smiling, unable to say anything with his mouth on mine. “Even L.A is a nice place when you are here.” He muttered against my cheek. His hands flew to my thighs to pick me up and take me to his room. Slowly, he took off my dress and helped me to get out of shoes. Just in my underwear, he smiled at me, and rubbed his gingers through my collarbones, the middle of my breast, my stomach and played with the band of my panties. “Haven’t you come out of my dreams?” he said. I moved my arms up to cover myself, laughing at his comment. “Alcohol makes you sappy.” I spoke. He took my hands to bring me closer to him “It makes me honest.” He kissed me and continued “Not even alcohol makes you speak. You’re such a cold heart chick, aren’t you?” he joked, I knew he was playing because he was smiling and kissing me but that wasn’t the first time, he insinuated something like that. “Chris…”

“I’m just joking, relax.” I let it go because I knew he was kind of right, I’m not a very affective person, or someone who loves to talk about love, but I was working on it.

At night we went to another club, it was a chill night, so we didn’t drink, we just talked and ate. When we wanted to go back to our rented house, we took a taxi but in the middle of ride I realized I left my jacket at the wardrobe’s club.

“Don’t worry! Get inside! I will be back in a couple minutes.” I said while the girls got out of the taxi.

I went back to the club, looking for my jacket. I asked the girl in charge of the wardrobe for it, she looked at me for a little bit too long. She handed my jacket and asked. “Sorry for question, but your face looks so familiar to me. Weren’t you Chris Evans’s girlfriend?” I got uncomfortable and she noticed. “I don’t want to bother you, it just I remember your face from where I used to work in. I worked in a restaurant in NY for a long time, and you and Chris used to go there, quite a lot.” She explained, I remembered her then, it was one of our favorite restaurants, and she was one of the waitresses. “Oh, yeah I remember you, Hi.” I spoke.

“We weren’t allowed to talk to our costumers there, I just wanted to tell you that you both make such a good couple, me and the other girls were in love with you guys.” She made me smile. We said goodbye and I left the place with him in my head.

“Okay, I’m ready. We can go.” I said to my driver, he was nice enough to wait for me to get my jacket. “Back to the house, right?” he asked turning on the engine. “No, can you take me here?” I asked, showing him the address on my phone.

I didn’t want to think about it twice. I wanted to see him.

As soon as we were near to his house, I realized I didn’t know where he was, he doesn’t come to LA until he has to. He was here yesterday but that was all I knew.

I got out of the taxi. “Do you want me to wait, or should I go?” the driver asked. For a few minutes I didn’t know what to do, and I saw the driver’s face was sightly impatient. “You can go, thank you.” I answered quickly, I wanted to see his face.

I rang the bell; I held my breath and I hoped he was there.

I waited for what I thought it was an eternity, but it was just two minutes.

I hear his voice on the intercom, and I blocked. “Who is it?” I couldn’t talk. I forgot how to speak. He waited not long before turning on the camera. I saw the red light and I knew he could see me. I didn’t say anything, and the sound of the door opening brought me back.

I walked to the house, and I just could see his silhouette because of the darkness.

“Are you trying to get even?” he joked, “Sorry to tell you, but you’re not as much intimidating as I can be, you can’t scare me”.

I didn’t respond, I kept walking in silence until I was at his door. Face to him. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, suddenly worry about my state. I guess my expression was concerning.

“I’m sorry.” I just could say.

“Don’t worry, you can come whenever you want.” He spoke.

“I don’t mean that. I’m sorry…” I wanted to explain but he interrupted me.

“Hey! If this is about the call, don’t worry. I was being irrational, please! Just ignore it.” He looked shy.

“Can we talk?” I asked, I was feeling uncomfortable being outside. Before he could speak a woman’s laugh sound from inside the house, I realized he wasn’t alone. I blocked again. Him not being at home was an option, but I didn’t imagine that he could be with someone else.

“Oh! Shit! I should have called. I’m sorry,” I said, and I started to walk away. He looked confused for a few seconds before getting my arm. “Holy crap! No! Stop! It is not what you think! It’s Tara and Scott” he yelled.

I turned around and he continued “I had a few meetings here and they are spending the weekend here.” I felt the embarrassment going over my body. “We can go inside but they will be around. We can walk around the neighborhood, believe me it’ll be more private.” He suggested. I doubted for a second, but I nodded, he was right we’ll have more privacy.

“Okay! Wait a minute! I need my shoes.” He said before going back inside the house.

I started to regret, I wasn’t sure why I was there, what I wanted or anything. Before I could make any decision, he was back. He closed the door and started to walk by my side.  

We walked for a few minutes, in completely silence. Our appearance was kind of odd, he was wearing sweatpants, an unmatched hoodie, and a pair of sneakers. In another hand, I was wearing a midi black dress, my shoulders were free and my feet in super high heels.

“Aren’t you cold? It’s kind of chill, isn’t?” he asked, breaking the silence, and starting to unzip his hoodie.

“No, I’m fine.” I knew he was trying to start a conversation, but I just didn’t know what to do.

“Great.” he said awkwardly. The silence came back. We just walked around the houses, there wasn’t many, but they were big enough to get us tired.

“So, how have you been? I heard about your promotion, I know you were trying to get it.” he asked, he knows if I was nervous, he had to keep up with the conversation.

“I’ve been fine, and yeah I got so excited for the promotion. Linda threw a party.” I told him. “I know, I saw a few pictures on Instagram.” He said quickly. Letting me know he had been stalking me. I looked at him in the eyes and he got what I was thinking about. He wrinkled his eyebrow trying to think how get out of judgment. “Okay! I could say you were suggested by the logarithm but, whatever, I was just curious. I have the normal curiosity of an ex-boyfriend, of a non psycho ex-boyfriend.” He explained shyly. He made me laugh and that made him smile. I felt more relaxed then.

“I’m sorry for being so mean at the party.” I spoke. His smile vanished and he started to shake his head slowly. “it wasn’t my business…”

“Hey! No! it’s fine, I was being too sensitive. I know you were joking. Don’t think about it. My call was completely out of place.” He spoke.

“I wasn’t joking, I was having an attack of jealousy.” I told him the truth. I had had a few with being his girlfriend but I didn’t admit it so I was a big statement for me.  

“Well, you shouldn’t have…” I knew he was being nice enough not to make me feel even more humiliated. I interrupted him.

“I know, I know you’re free to…” I tried to explain but he spoke over me.

“You shouldn’t have because she is just a friend” he saw in my face a smirk that got him know what I was thinking about he used to have a lot of just-a-friend‘s friends. “A normal, regular, simple friend. We have been friends for years. Actually, I think you know her, she was Jessica, do you remember her?” I nodded, we used to go out with her when we were in L.A but we didn’t come very often. He didn’t like it and I was more than happy to be in N.Y.

“Great, can we pretend I didn’t say I was jealous? I feel ridiculous now.” I joked, he smiled at me and guided me to sit in a bench. “Now we’re even, you have my mortifying call, and I got your brutal honesty.” It was weird how I felt around him, after all that time, he could make me feel butterflies. I was still in love with him.

“I was being completely serious when I told you I was ready to settle down with you. You don’t understand how fucking different everything was with you, and when I realized how important you were to me, it was too late. I know I don’t have any right to be upset because I was the one who fucked everything up, but these past months I have been irrationally mad at you. I felt that you were taking my future with you away from me” he said laughing at himself. I was surprised by his words.

“I know, it’s a shitty though.” He continued when he saw my unbelieving face. “but these couple months have been awful, I haven’t felt like this before. I went to therapy and I realized that I’ve been sabotaging my relationships for a very long time. I didn’t think of it as a problem but then, I lost you and our relationship, and everything changed.” I kept quiet, astonished by his words.

“Chris…”

“No! Please, let me tell you something first. I’m sorry, for everything; for making you go through all of that, for not loving you how you deserve to be loved. I’m going to regret what I did for the rest of my life. I just want you to know that I truly loved you. Fuck! I’m still in love with you, I guess this kind of love doesn’t go away so easily.” He said, making my eyes get wet.

“Why didn’t tell me anything of this before?” It was everything I could say.

“Because you were right; what we had, wasn’t going in the right direction. You deserved better. And to be honest I was afraid to see you again, I wanted to leave you alone as you told me and even now, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do that.” His speech left mute. I didn’t know why I came and now I wasn’t feeling any better.

I got up, and without a word I started to walk back to his house; I could feel his anxiety for my silence, but he didn’t say anything.

“It wasn’t all bad, was it?” I said in a try to cool off the situation.

“You were the best part of my life, honey. Of course, it wasn’t all bad!” he said uncomplainingly. That took every word off of my mouth.

After a big deep breathe I said, “I’m sorry for being so cold in our relationship.” He tried to stop me, but I didn’t let him. “I’m not very good at showing love, I know it hurt you in order of how you are, but I really tried to make it better.” I knew he hate that about me, not just avoiding the word -I love you- but I used to avoid expressing every feeling. I was a very lonely person so I didn’t know how to do it.

“I love every aspect of you, honey. You shouldn’t feel sorry for anything” he said. I knew he was right but I couldn’t help it.  

“I should leave, it’s getting too late. I’m sorry for bothering you.” I said, he looked confused, but he didn’t say anything. We walked back to his house silently.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked when we were getting close to his entry’s house. I nodded “Why you came? It’s not like I don’t love to see you or know about you, but it was unexpected. And I don’t believe you came to say sorry.” He commented.

I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t have a reason to come.

“I honestly don’t know.” I said after a couple minutes. ”I saw a billboard announcing your new film. I remembered you. I started to think about you, about us. I just felt the need to see you.” I explained. He nodded and opened the door. “Give me a second, I will give you a ride,” before I could say no, he was inside the house.

I waited for him, getting close to his car and I remembered the first time he brought me to this house, I just moved to NY at that time, and we weren’t anything more that friends. He was being so talkative during our way to this house, which it wasn’t odd, but something told me he was overexcited.  We spent literally every minute of the week together, he was a fun guy to be around, and the sex was explosive. The last night, he set up a romantic dinner in the garden and showed me what he was so excited about.

“What’s this?” I asked surprised, holding the little box he handed me.

“It’s a gift.” He said simply, smiling at me. “Come on! Open it.”

It was a pendant, the one we saw in London, when I was visiting him while he was filming. After our first date in the airport, we kept in touch by texting, when he had to fly back to London for work, he asked me to visit him. We went for a walk one day and we passed by an antique jewelry store. I realized it was similar to one pendant my mom used to wear, I didn’t know he was paying me attention.

“It’s beautiful!” I just could say.

“It is! Just like you.” I wasn’t sure what was the meaning of the gift, that weekend in London was months ago. He saw my expression and kept talking. “I knew this was going to make you happy. I want to make you happy. Just you.” He was asking for exclusivity, and I wanted the same thing. I couldn’t say anything because he spoke” You don’t need to say anything right now…” I kissed him deeply before he could continue. I straddled him “Should I assume you want the same thing?” he said between kisses. I nodded smiling while he moved us to the seat next to the outdoor fireplace. He rolled my skirt up in my waist, leaving my butt free just covered it by his hands. He felt my uncomfortableness and said, “Don’t worry, nobody can see us.”  I looked at him questioningly by his conviction. “I promised. Trust me.” he said kissing my neck. ”Do you trust me?” he asked again. I did, I trusted him, I’ve sent him nudes, told him my deepest secrets or my filthiest thoughts. “I do” I simply said.

Trusting him became our biggest issue, maybe our only one, but it was enough to break us.

I missed him.

In the car, he asked me where I was staying, and he drove us through L.A’s midnight.

“Are you seeing somebody?” he asked suddenly after I quite long conversation about my promotion and his new project. “You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry if it’s too nosy.”

“No.” I answered, and a little smile appeared on his face. “Are you happy about my loneliness?” I joked, he chuckled.

When arrived, I said goodbye and got out of the car. I didn’t hear him getting out too.

“Hey” he called. Holding me from my arm. “Is it too bold to ask you out?” he saw my surprising face and kept on “Maybe when you are back in NY, I could go and have a date.” He spoke rapidly.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” I wasn’t sure about what to say, I wanted to yell yes, but leaving him was the most painful thing I’ve done. I couldn’t handle it again.

“I don’t know. To be honest I just really need you in my life again. I feel completely empty without you.” He spoke. “You don’t have to answer right now. Just think about it. Okay?” He said, I nodded, and he started to walk back to his car. Before he could leave me again, the words just came out of my mouth without any warning. “Yes”

He turned over to see me again “Are you sure?” he looked surprised. “Yes”

“I can wait.” He said with a big smile in his face. “I don’t think I can.”

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