#because my mom really needs medical help and i dont want to be cutting in on the time she needs getting it

[maxellminidisc]

Sometimes I want to reach out to people when I'm having incredibly bad days with my anxiety and panic but it's like I really really dont want my friends to get loaded with the extent of just how severe and exhausting my mental health is.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[whumpshaped]

I'm probably super late & no pressure to respond but I want to share a scar story! (Maybe it can inspire writers who want to read a firsthand experience about some OUCHITY OUCH pain.)

I have a tiny straight line of a scar along the nail of my big toe. But the interesting bit is just, the painful part tbh. It's wild but might be squick. So again, no need to respond or read it all. Bail if it gets too squick. Nothing life threatening or gorey, just big ouchers.

(CW: I had a Matrixectomy/partial nail removal. But he forgot the local anesthetic.)

I was like 14 yrs old and had a really infected spot on my toe where my nail had become ingrown that kept getting infected again if I stubbed my toe etc. so my mom took me to a medical clinic & they performed a Matrixectomy. But without a local anesthetic.

So it's one nurse, one doctor guy and my mom. He just gets right to it after all of the tools are brought out and was pushing teeny mini scissors/cutters into the infected skin area that was really tender and painful by just barely walking on it, cutting a straight line on my nail to the base of the nail to remove the problem area. With No injection for numbing. I was like a 90lb stickboy of a beanpole but my mom had to help the nurse hold my legs down bc it was so hard to stay still and not roll around in pain. I tried not to cry too much and didn't scream bloody murder because I didn't want to inconvenience the doctor or freak my mom out but that shit HURT. Then he applied the acid with a q-tip or something that scars the area so the nail in that section doesn't grow back. That also hurt.

Once it was over I sat up and nearly passed out so they had to make me lay back down, & brought me a wet towel for my forehead. Once I was good to get up we walk out the door to pay or whatever, idr, I just know I almost passed out in the hall on the way to the counter, and then one more time in the parking lot before I got in the car to go home. The gauze was so tight my toe was throbbing, I was literally just writhing in pain on my mom's bed for 1 or 2 hrs till I loosened the wrapping and the pain finally went down enough that I could sleep it off with an Ibuprofen.

A couple weeks later the nail still curled into my skin and got infected again. 🫠 I nearly cried when I saw the pus it was gross and I didn't want to go through the procedure again, I was an anxious wreck over it. We go to another clinic, get told the first guy did it wrong/incorrectly somehow, then get directed to a podiatrist to fix it for real this time.

That podiatrist was the nicest doctor in the world. When the nurse brought out the tray with the tools right before they were going to start my eyeballs took one look at the instruments and just WEPT without my say-so. It didn't even feel like crying. It just felt like water coming out of my eyeballs without my consent. They were so understanding about it. 😭 I felt like I was being a big fat wuss, or a crybaby. But I was scared. "Sorry. I'm good. It just really hurt last time." And they'd heard the story so they knew so I was gonna trust them to NOT do that they reassured both my mom and I they'd make sure it didn't hurt.

Then he injected the local anesthesia to numb my toe and get to work. All I felt was him vaguely pushing my toe around for a better angle and a little bit of pressure and then bam. It was over and done. 0 pain whatsoever. It was fuckin INCREDIBLE. 20/10 experience.

IDK why that first guy kept going when the patient was clearly in so much pain or distressed he had to be held down. I was like 14. >:( But it makes for a good story to tell.

& that's my traumatic scar horror story of the smallest scar I have. :D

THATS INSANE. SOME DOCTORS ARE SO DUMB AND SHOULD NOT BE PRACTISING. also yeah i know abt this procedure bc .. i obsessively watch videos w it.. dont even. dont even say anything. i know. i know.

im soooo sorry u went thru that shit thats so bad. but im glad it got fixed later.

[bishiglomper]

I need to rant

But omfg. The niece. The niece is going to finally drive us off the deep end.

She wants to keep the baby if it belongs to current, 3 week old boyfriend.

He's got priors, went to jail for something drug related I think. And he's on the registry. Which we dont even get to know the situation because niece refuses to ask.

Now so far as a person, I dont have any bad feelings about him. He's nice and polite, he can function, he can read, unlike her fiance.. He says he can cook. Has expressed sentiments like getting niece new shoes because hers are falling apart. No sign of anger issues yet like the last 2. I think she said hes got like 2 kids out there

And i dont know what color flag this is, but he once told the niece he chopped off his beloved hair to see her reaction. He wanted her to blow up but she was just like "its your body." Then she reiterated that she expected the same respect. Like if she got a piercing he may disagree with. Shes still gonna do it.

Who knows where pregnancy stands on that line.

Oh and by the way, she still hasnt even said "i love you" back yet. But she'll have his child??

But this bitch is in no fucking means ready for a child.

She's a good caretaker, I would trust her to babysit for a few hours just fine but thats it.

For one, she neglected her rats to death.

She told me with no shame that she absolutely doesnt touch a litterbox, and that she starved her cat.

The woman doesnt even take care of herself. She barely eats and she keeps losing weight. Shes like 5"2 and in childrens jeans. And even though she kept passing out and was told ahe has super low B12, she refused too take suppliments. Even if i handed them directly to her.

If that keeps up shes just going to end up having a miscarriage or a premie with medical problems.

And i dont know what smoking weed during pregnancy does. But its worth looking into.

She does have her own apartment, but does she stay there? No. Only when she has someone over to do things together.

My sister and her son already sleep on the floor in the living room. Niece sleeps on the chaise

You think we have room to help raise a baby, even if we wanted to? Hell to the fuckin no.

Speaking if which. I can already see the dynamic that will be

She'll want us to watch the baby while she continues to work at applebees, where she'll be stuck forever now instead of getting back to college eventually. But she'll have strong weird opinions on how shes going to raise her child.

i just know shes going to be like her bff and teach her toddler to say "mommys a bitch!"

Because i was thinking if there were a smaller child around we could probably get nephew to cut it out. But nah, she would encourage it because its funny.

By the way, we're hiding this from the nephew. It was almost ww3. Sissy doesnt want him to know. And niece is offended because its her brother, he can understsnd the concept of abortion and ahw doesnt like to keep things from him.

Also not telling the aunt. Niece doesn't give a fuck and may do so out of spite

We still havent recovered that relationship enough to have dinner together. And aunt said something like "since (mom) isn't saving your souls, I'm going to have to do it"

So if she finds out, its just going to get really, really annoying. And drive more wedge between us all.

Niece asked her mom if she was gonna be mad at her if she kept it. Sissy told me she was mad either way. There will be no winning.

My mother and sister are being way super gentle and calm about it all to her. She does not deserve it. She needs to sit there like an adult and listen to our concerns before she makes a decision just because it's current boyfriend's DNA in there. She never wanted her own children. And if she wants to suddenly play adult, she needs to make some adult fucking decisions.

[allsadnshit]

hi izzy im 22 and i have a family history of endo and have been experiencing frightening symptoms and i dont really know who else to talk to in this regard and i hope this isnt rude to send. i am just curious how u went about getting ur diagnosis and what u think are some good first steps for someone experiencing these things. my mom spent a lot of time on a lot of endless painkillers as i was growing up. and im very afraid of reproductive care bc of how archaic it is! love you thank you <3 theres no need to answer if u feel this is too invasive, i appreciate ur time

It's honestly a head start that you already know you have a family history of endo! Although diagnosis is still difficult to get considering surgery is the only official way to get one...you're honestly much more likely to be recommended a surgeon etc if you have your families medical records with it! So that's really good!

Unfortunately I will say for myself and the people I know personally with endo, getting excision surgery wasn't a relief for symptoms as it has often been advertised for some people, so in terms of pain management I don't want to be getting more surgeries myself so I wouldn't tell anyone else too either! That's a pretty personal choice considering risks and recovery, so you will have to think on that pretty seriously if you think excision could help you and make sure you are looking into what the hospitals near you offer.

For myself, diagnosis was really important since I don't have my moms medical records to assist me with understanding my health. I don't think I could be where I am at recovery, management, or socially without having the official diagnosis from laparoscopy so that was really important to me, even though diagnosis didn't do anything for me in terms in qualifying for disability or anything like that! Unfortunately with the medical system you need that paper trail if you plan to do anything in the hospital system in the future, so I am ultimately glad I got my diagnosis even though it hasn't changed things for me in terms of lifestyle or pain.

If you want to start with an obgyn, that's what most people do! And they probably won't let you talk to a specialist before you rule out the basics with getting scans and blood tests first to confirm they can't more easily see why you are in so much pain. But even if your obgyn doesn't help you, you can at least search for a surgeon after that initial intake process being able to say "I already had tests and scans done, it was inconclusive, so I need to move towards surgery for diagnosis".

Obviously I won't have a solution or answer for the broader scope of what to do because even if you do have endo, it's dynamic and can affect people so differently that it really isn't a one size fits all. If anything, I really really do NOT recommend going on any form of hormone or birth control for pain management no matter how hard it's pushed on you. I really don't believe in that method and it's another way to cover up symptoms rather than getting to the root of healing or understanding.

The biggest changes for me have come with lifestyle: changing my diet to healthier less processed options which means not eating out 90% of the time and cooking with really good quality ingredients, getting a nutritionalist who's worked with endo before, cutting back on manual labor working hours, and processing the trauma of chronic illness in therapy and pin pointing places in my life that need my attention or serious over haul for me to rebalance my stress. Stress and endo are soooo tied together because it's hormone effected so it absolutely cannot be overlooked.

Sorry to hear you are suffering in this way! I no longer take any pain medication because of a similar fear. I recommend tiger balm muscle rub lotion on your lower back, getsomedays cramp cream on your front, and a hot rice heating pad on top for pain relief + drink water + sleep well at all costs. It's a marathon not a race!

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[kael-writ]

Some thoughts for addicts just starting recovery:

- build up support around yourself. You need and deserve support, and even if you can't believe that you deserve it, you gotta know you need it. Lots of people are so happy to give it. They got help and they wanna pay it forward. They feel good about themselves when they help. They want you to succeed. You aren't putting them out. Helping you get clean is a mutual benefit to your community. And when you're clean and strong, you'll be there helping others too. So take all the help you can get, and know people do give joyfully out of love.

- Make plans. Short term and long term. How can you delay using for five minutes? What supplies can you get to cope with withdrawal? Make lists. A list of people to call. A list of things that calm you down besides drugs.

- Envision your sober self. Focus on it. What will you be able to achieve? How will you feel? See your body healing. Your mind clearing. Your life become more manageable. Keep your eyes on that future for yourself, a future you can and WILL achieve.

- It's particularly important to get MEDICAL help to manage chemical withdrawal from alcohol and other hard drugs.

- Take measures to prevent and deal with any potential mental health crisis. You need to be seeing a primary care doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. Or as best as you can get to that. Your mental health has been mismanaged by this drug for a very long time, maybe from childhood or youth. You may not even be fully aware of what your sober mental

- Practice being comfortable with discomfort. Let it suck. Let it fuckin suck. Because whatever is happening, it will end. A panic attack for example will end. It ends, your body calms, and you got through it, without drugs.

- Be fucking honest. Be embarrassingly honest. Secrecy is addiction's friend. You want to defeat addiction? You tell everyone everything. You tell your mom, your best friend, your bartender (they know), your liquor store, everyone, you are an addict, you need help, you are entering recovery. You relapse? You tell someone you are accountable to. Every time. A sponsor, therapist, a friend who isnt a using addict.

- You're probably gonna have to end friendships. Your buddy who you kill half a case with every night is a great guy who would kill for you and die for you, but you are killing each other. The way to save each other might have to be to part from each other. Some of your best friends might end up going clean too and being your absolute best comrades in arms against this common enemy. but some of them will lead you back to the enemy. You can't be friends with anyone who will ask you, "are you sure? Come on." Sorry buddy, all my love, but I gotta cut you loose.

- Guilt and shame are addiction's other friends. I know they're mean girl friends who talk shit about addiction, but they're ultimately gonna drag you back to addiction. Being down on yourself is just gonna end in you sinking into the swamp of sadness. You gotta build yourself up. Yes, addiction can feel shameful, that's a normal way to feel. And lots of addicts, in desperation and intoxication, do shitty things like steal. Beating yourself up about it is just telling yourself you're not worth saving. And you fucking need saving right now. So you need to be telling yourself that you are trying to do something really hard and important because you care, and there are people who care about you, and you have a future worth fighting for.

You are not your addiction. You are a person.

- Know that addiction is a social justice issue, and a medical issue. People who devalue addicts as people the way they devalue unhoused people are fucking assholes. Fight to not internalize that shit. Dont let the bastards drag you down.

- Learn new ways of solving problems. For a long time, you thought all you had was a hammer, and you bashed your life to bits trying to solve every problem with your one solution. Now you are gonna have to figure out the right tools for actually solving these problems. You're gonna wanna learn to calm your body with breathing and meditation, for example.

- Sabotage the Future Addict. Throw fuckin everything away, throw every lighter away, purge your house, this is not you anymore, you are done. Think you might feel like buying a drink after work? Leave the house with no money except your bus fare and no ID. If you gotta move or change jobs, put in the work to get that rolling. Realize this is the most important thing you gotta do right now and fuck pretty much everything else..

- The mundane shit works and is good, actually. A lot of us got into this wanting to have fun, we may have been the bad kids, the cool kids. A tamer life may seem unattractive. We also tend to have extreme emotional issues. We tend to have been through Some Shit. So getting sleep and water may seem so trite. but I swear to god, I PROMISE you, if you commit to that shit and really do it, it fucking helps a lot. It adds the fuck up. You're gonna start feeling better.

Not just water and sleep but like, go for a goddamn walk, do a fucking crossword puzzle. You might find yourself enjoying something that calms your body and centers your mind.

- let go of the need for instant gratification. Good shit takes time. The same way this fuckin addiction crept up on you over time before it became this beast, so too will the healing take time. If you work out every day, you'll build muscle over time, not instantly. If you give up in a week cuz you're not buff, dont say it's because exercise can't work. You gotta keep at it.

- get new sober friends, or revisit old ones. Get into some sober activities. It's a lot easier to go hiking sober, it's hard to go to a bar sober, so go the fuck hiking and dont go to the bar. Sober groups exist to facilitate this.

- relapses happen. You don't have to let that destroy you. You wake up in the morning, you feel like shit, feel that withdrawal? Go empty anything left and call your person. Get the fuck back on the horse, do not give up.

- Know it gets easier. It gets so much easier and better. The end of the withdrawal period will come and go. You'll have your first moments of not thinking about it. Then days, then weeks of not wanting it. Then one day it'll be five years and guys you're gonna be so fuckin strong and proud and you'll never wanna go back.

[blackvail22]

9/25/23

10:25am -

i just had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist? i think thats the word. i got diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder), and ive been saying for YEARS that i had it, and no one would help me. its been 9 years since i first went to a doctor and told them about my eating habits; they didnt help me. i had an obvious ed, and im glad im finally getting the help i need.

my relationship with food is severely complicated. im obsessed with my weight and the calories im intaking, but i cant stop... binging. and the fact i have fat on my body makes me want to throw up, nd every time i notice it, it makes me feel like my insides are being scratched over and over. my fear of purging is the only reason i dont...

a month ago, i was talking with my counselor, and she asked me if ive ever been screened for adhd. i told her no, but i can tell her yes!! my new doctor did a screening thing for adhd, and i have it. shes referring me to somewhere to get a more in-depth test to see what type of adhd and the severeity of it.

i told my mom all of this, and she seemed upset. i dont understand? shes been so rude to me lately... i mean, she always is.. but it feels like she changed? shes so bitter, and shes being like homophobic 😭😭 out of nowhere LIKE WHAT PROMPTED U TO BE LIKE THIS? i SWEAR on everything, being a chronic facebook user ruined her. she wasnt like this before facebook LMAOO shes so sad. but, all well!

im going to try my best to clean my room again. i NEED to get my shit together!! its so embarrassing how messy it is. i have to focus on doing it. i have to do it today; i have no choice!!

10:17pm

news flash: i didnt clean my room. whos surprised? im going to try and get it together before i go to bed because i have to... i have or else ill feel like im letting my boyfriend down lol

yk idk why but being friends and flirting w somsone is so much different than dating them. its insane!

i didnt mention this before but im being put on a different medication that targets bed and adhd and it also helps depression. i have to do a bunch of testing before i take it, though, because its a controlled substance

im afraid of facing my past. i know that i was a fucked up kid, but seeing HOW fucked up i am is... terrifying. like i read through a few of my old roblox messages and woah!!! i was living a double life, holy shit! obvi... i used a fake name, fake age, and some of the stories i would tell belonged to my sister. ill forever be regretful for the way i was back then... it makes me think, though... did i ever really change?

i had this girlfriend named .... lets call her juju. she lived on the other side of my country, and we met because we both ran fan accts for a youtuber on insta. i became ... obsessive? quickly. i feel sorry for her, but i was 12 and she was nearly 16, so... she easily couldve cut me off once she found out my age lmao. idk, i kept trying to find ways for her and i to meet in person because i was so excited to meet her online. she broke up with me, and i made another instagram and pretended to be someone else for a while.... aka i catfished her. i didnt show her photos of anyone else, just used the name "katrina" like i used to. i got her to talk abt her exes and then she talked abt how she recently broke up w someone and how crazy they were. i knew then that my behavior wasnt normal. i didnt understand the boundaries i was crossing.

am i all that different now? i used his snap maps to see when he's at his dad and when hes at his moms or at school. when i planned on moving down there, i looked for apartments that were nearby his primary home. i attenpted to make an acct to pretend i was someone else and see if he would lie to me abt info abt his life. i didnt finish it.... i got like the ick from myself and was thinking abt how crazy i was.

i try my best to not be ... stalker-like. i wouldnt follow someone throughout their day to see where they are, who theyre with. i wouldnt use it to harm him, and if he didnt want to see me or talk to me, i wouldnt force him to by showing up to his house or texting him off the number i give to weirdos.

im getting tired. its 10:37p now, and i keep like closing my eyes every once and awhile inbetween sections.

i think the last thing i feel i need to rant abt is how i told my dad i have binge eating disorder and for dinner when i told him i didnt care what he got me, HE GOT ME FOOD FOR A FAMILY OF 4. he looked me in the eyes and said, "two cheeseburgers, 16 chicken nuggets, 10 cheese sticks, and a milkshake incase u get hungry later" when he KNOWS i have a habit of eating a lot of food in one sitting.

i feel gross from how much i ate today, and im still wanting to eat more.

being told "u can reverse everything thats wrong w you if u just lost weight!" and then having those same people ENFORCE ur unhealthy eating habits is insane

like, do u rlly want to help me? or do u want to just berate me for the hell of it?

okie song song time

this song is so ... relateable. typical pop song but its so good 2 me

[phase0exe]

- ⚙️🩵👑

doing absolutely horrible right now, reeeeaaaaally don’t like venting but it might help so… scroll past this because i don’t think anybody really cares. tw for just… a lotta things, dude.

honestly today has been… a day, to say the least. the last few days have been filled with nothing but stress and anxiety. it’s like shark’s parents are TRYING to make switching schools as hard as possible for us. shark wont get to see their girlfriend anymore because of school, the only people we know are going to this school are the people that are out to get us, we’re gonna have to hide who we are and blend in with the slutty sickeningly-straight tiktoker whores at this new school.

shark’s parents also said we’re only getting plain colored supplies and should only wear solid colored clothing. wow. how… unique.

we’re in a bunch of stupid classes too, like video filming tech and entrepreneurship because the school has such limited course selection. they have a medical course and an entrepreneur course, but no art or theater or asl like the school we were ABOUT to go to has.

today especially has sucked because i first fronted when we were going somewhere, so i immediately got anxious out of not knowing where i was. then i’ve been frontstuck most of the day, so that’s great too. i actually wanted to go to the gym today but of course today we didn’t get to go because of weather. me and shark are excited to go to the aquarium… well, not as excited anymore. the waiting is really taking all the fun out of it. i mean sure, there’s only two days left, but the hype has run down.

i spent the past hour or so on the phone because one of our “friends” forced us to play smash bros with them for a really long time. now, i’m not good at smash bros, so i kept losing. that frustrated the hell outta me.

i dont even want to sleep tonight, and i don’t want to eat or drink anymore either. we constantly feel bad about eating because either shark’s mom will say something about our body, or when we do ask for food shark’s dad sighs seemingly frustrated at us. we barely drink enough anyways but we’re still alive so… does it really matter? i mean, we’ve not passed out or gotten heat stroke yet, so…? why exactly do we need to drink water?

admittedly, we sleep a lot, but that doesn’t mean we want to. i just… really don’t like it here right now. at this point i think i’m the third host of the system with how much i front, and i dont know how to feel about that.

i just… feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore. what if everyone is out to get us? what if everyone wants to hurt us? what if this isn’t even real, and just some dream i’m having?

i’ll cut myself off there, ‘cuz i’m feeling guilty for venting. i don’t know if you guys will be able to tell who i am by my emoji signoff or whatever, but you don’t really need to know. if you can figure it out? good for you, dude. if not, oh well.

-⚙️🩵👑

[cowboyjen68]

Hi jen! 20 something masc bisexual who just cant figure out if theyre a man or a woman here. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this stuff but writing anonymously is a lot less daunting and you seem like a really chill person and such a good mom. When i was youger, around 16, i cut my hair short and dressed less conventional (stopped wearing what my mom put out for me lol), bc i wanted to express myself. I didnt get the "mens" haircut i wanted originally, but i made up for it with flannels and hoodies. Slowly, occasionally, people started to ask me my sex/gender and when someone read me as male i was over the moon. By the time i was 18 i had stopped wearing makeup and tried hard to pass as male. It became pretty exhausting and my bestfriend is a very feminine guy, who usually gets read as a woman, inspired me to care less what people think i am. Im trying to take things as they come but with my mullet (thick long hair in the back) i noticed people read me as female more often than not. Its not insulting, but i cant help but feel disappointed. It felt so right when people read me as male. Im considering transitioning but i hate the idea of coming out to my family (as trans) and im scared of "being wrong about all this and screwing my body up", even thougt I like the prospect of the physical changes testosterone brings. All in all, I feel like ive been stuck in this undecided period for so long and something needs to change.

Im grateful for any words of advice :)

I am so sorry for the delay, my seasonal side jobs keep me very busy. I owe you some sincerity here because you asked and trust me to give you the truth, at least as I see it.

Of course I cannot in anyway see inside you or know the mix of emotions you have or the complex amount of experiences you have had in your 20 something life. When someone is struggling with hard questions being “PC” does no one any favors so here is my best take, but ultimately you know what is best and perhaps a therapist that will not just be a "yes" person would be very helpful.

Firstly, if you decide to transition for whatever reason, comfort, ease of experiencing the world etc, there is no rule that says you have to do anything at all to alter your body. You can be who you are within yourself. I am a lesbian and a woman whether or not some stranger on the street thinks so. (and the amount of time I am called "sir" in one day changes absolutely zero about me). Same applies to you. If you are concerned about medical or hormonal intervention you are not wrong to have caution. Anytime we take any medication from a blood pressure pill to nasal spray, doing due diligence and understanding the affects on our body is important. And each of us must take into consideration body health, genetics, dr suggestions, past medical history and the reality of what time, money and effort we are capable of exerting, especially if it means for a life time 

That all being said short hair, clothes, your interests and personality are not (should not) be gendered. There is no reason a woman can’t be and exist as a female who is not always thrilled with her body (looks and function) and be a human who loves doing a myriad of things that may or may not fit what society prescribes as our gender roles.  

You say you are disappointed when read as female? Why?  Do you dislike that they are not seeing the real you OR because you know being read as such means, in our culture, you are seen as less capable, treated differently, perceived as weak, not as smart as men and treated as the lesser of our society simply based on your body?  Either way, this is a them problem and not a you problem. You are as flawed, strong, smart, confident as you are no matter how they see you. It is not up to them to decide how human you get to be based on what sex you are. No one fits all the general attributes imposed gender roles wish for us to follow. 

Ask yourself, if I transition and am still consistently read as female, how will that affect me?  Will I become angry because I am putting time, effort and money into presentation and people still see what they see?  Am I going to feel better able to shrug off mistakes make by quick glances or because people have known me for years because I am more true to me?  Transition should happen in a vacuum, in my opinion. (disclaimer: I am not trans so perhaps this is not how trans men feel) You are who you are whether in a crowd of people or alone in a forest. Others should never make that decision or set the bar for you. EVER. They have no investment in your internal self. 

Since you are asking me, this is my experience. In my early years i understood very quickly how I was treated differently when people (men and women) saw me as a little boy instead of a little girl. In my teens I saw the way girls who hit puberty before me were immediately treated sexually, will less respect and I was like” well shit”.  I would have happily been seen as a boy/man and probably went to length to insure that. At 12 I was pretty confident I wanted to be or should have been a boy. My mom very colorfully explained to me there are issues with both sides and am a girl who wants what boys get in the world.. sooo get them as a girl.  THEN I met other lesbians and butches and bi women who are masculine and they told me their stories.. which were just like mine. I realized to be a man I had to give up being a woman and being a woman, my reality, physically and in my upbringing (in the 1980′s and 1990″) was the best and only way to connect to other people because I was not different with them or alone. I needed to be me 24/7 not just in public, not just at parties, not just with friends, but when I was alone, at night or mowing the yard. Perception and societal opinion had nothing to do with my body, my mind, my personality. 

Am I still affected by gender roles? Of course. Our society genders everything from pocket knives (camo or pink camo) to cars, abilities to shampoo! Do i sometimes let it slide when a man thinks he is talking to another man, sure.. why not? I learn somethings (some things I don’t want to know on occasion). But at the end of the day, most of the people I deal with begin to see me as a kind, capable women or...(translation: human) and when it counts I don’t want to be vague or dodgy about my sex, my gender or my sexual orientation. Who I am, who I deserved to be, my right to exist as me is too important. None of these were over night revelations. Time, experience, community as all helped me understand:

You have to live with you forever and always, don’t try to exist as the easiest way for society to view you. 

[spacedikut]

my all ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x f!reader

summary:  “hey could i do a fic request for an x spencer? could u maybe do something with really touchstarved spencer (bc germaphobia) and him being at first too awkward to go n cuddle and then as he gains more confidence he gets much more touchy and huggy and stuff? and reader being shocked by how cuddly he is? plzplzplz? its totally ok if u dont write it but just wanted to send in the request!” 2689 words

a/n: i hope i did this justice! i love spencer reid!!!!!!!!!

masterlist

Spencer first realised how much he loves your touch after a case where he put himself directly in danger.

You ran up, flung your arms around him and pulled him against you so tightly he felt winded.

He was shocked, stunned, and everything in between, but the most important thing is that he hugged back. It felt natural, the right thing to do, and his arms felt so snug and perfect around you his heart stuttered.

You pulled back, noticed his expression, and winced despite his reciprocation, “Sorry. I just. You could’ve died, you moron. You scared me.”

All he did was give you a breathless smile and with a squeeze of his shoulders you let go, allowing him to get checked by a medic.

Spencer struggled to sleep on the jet home, plagued by the thoughts of you - you with your arms around him, how much he enjoyed how it felt.

It felt… wrong to like it as much as he did. Like, in theory, enjoying your physical touch went against his moral code – as a germaphobe, the thought of having to come into contact with anyone in any way makes him want to vomit. But, with you?

You smelt so good, even after running for God knows how long. You were so soft, yet so firm, so warm and welcoming and dear God Spencer has never wanted to touch every inch of someone so bad in his life.

The case was a rough one, so Garcia was waiting for you all with loving eyes and a pitiful smile, arms wide open for whoever may need it. Spencer instantly decides no thanks, but you swoop in and cuddle up to Garcia within seconds of seeing her.

You even place a series of kisses against her cheek, and Spencer is transported back to your hug.

If he was more like Garcia, open to any form of love as long as it’s love, would you have kissed him like that?

His pulse quickens, palms get sweaty and he has to clear his throat to bring himself back to Earth.

He can’t afford to think like that.

But your lips…

No. Paperwork? Let’s do that and not think about a colleague’s lips.

+++

You’re furious.

You told Spencer to wait for backup, to not do anything stupid or irrational and definitely do NOT go in there alone, genius!

And what did he do?

He didn’t wait for backup, did something very stupid and irrational, and definitely went in alone.

And now he’s dealing with a hefty concussion and flurry of other injuries; cuts, scratches, and bruises alike all dotted over him like he’s a connect-the-dots drawing.

The second he wakes up, you’re gonna kill him.

For the time being, you’ll gently thread your fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp, and watch his chest rise and fall to ensure he’s alive and breathing.

“Mmm,” A groan, “That feels nice.”

His eyes flutter open. You lean towards the table next to him, pick up the bottle of water and the jello cup, and offer him both.

“Thanks,” He says, hoarsely.

You sit back in your chair. Spencer doesn’t take his eyes off you once. Not when he drinks the whole bottle of water, or when he cracks open the jello and inhales it with one slurp.

Your brows furrow.

“You’re banned from work until you’re fully healed.”

“I’m suspended?!” He guffaws.

“No,” You shake your head, “I’m personally telling you you’re not welcome back until you’re okay.”

“I’m okay now.”

“Do a backflip, genius.”

Spencer giggles, “I can’t do that in peak physical condition, Y/N.”

“Sounds like a cop out to me. So, again, you’re banned from work until you’re fully healed.”

He considers fighting back, but then he remembers what you were doing when he woke up, what he felt when he woke up.

He was confused and, you know, in pain, but there was this tender and soft, repetitive touch that immediately eased him. His subconscious knew it was you, in all your glory and sweetness, that had stayed with him for however long, looking after him even when he wasn’t conscious to know it.

So he just keeps staring at you, spoonful of jello in his mouth.

+++

When you get to Spencer’s place, he looks around like it’s his first time seeing it – awe and wonder painted on his face.

Everything he’s doing, everything he’s going through, you’re putting it all down to his concussion.

On the way here, he told you the whole history of car air fresheners after taking a good five seconds to get a good sniff of the cherry blossom scent you have.

“Let’s get you settled in, huh?” You say quietly, guiding Spencer to his bedroom. He walks a little like a mummy, kinda stumpy and heavy, and he flops on the bed.

You give a lopsided grin as you watch him. He’s mumbling incoherently, shuffling up to the top of his bed to fall flat on his back.

He moans.

“Alright, alright,” You placate, “Let me go… gather some things.”

You don’t know Spencer’s place all that well, so it takes you a while to find even the simplest things like a glass, a flannel, a snack. You get lost in snooping around, trying not to profile him, and the one thing you deduct is his apartment is so him. So Spencer, so lovely and comforting and a little odd.

You can’t get enough.

There’s a weak call from his bedroom: “Y/N?”

“Coming!”

He hasn’t moved an inch from where you left him. He looks so pitiful, bruised eyes and a cut right through his lip, and you almost coo at him.

“I’m not a good cook, so I thought we could order some food later.” You hand him the water and gesture for him to drink. “In the meantime, you need to rest. Mind if I borrow a book while I keep you company?”

You turn to leave, but Spencer’s voice makes you pause.

“Could you play with my hair again?”

A part of you wants to say no, like this is some overly intimate thing he’s asking, but then you remind yourself that he’s injured, which has reverted him to acting like a sleepy child.

“Please?” He looks at you with glassy eyes and he looks adorable, “Only for a little while.”

You say nothing, sliding into bed next to him. He scoots over a little to make more room for you, curling into you before your back hits the bed entirely. One hand rests above the covers, naturally placed on his arm, thumb smoothing him back and forth. The other, the one wrapped around his head, cards through his lightly tangled hair, all warm and loving.

He falls asleep instantly and, not long after, you fall asleep, too.

You both dream of eachother and wake up blushing.

+++

Spencer’s back in work within four days. You’re working a new case the second you arrive.

There’s been a shift in your dynamic and everyone’s noticed it. No one questions it, however, because they’re all aware you looked after him while he was away, and they witnessed how worried you were when you found him, but they can’t help but ogle and whisper.

They might be federal agents, but gossip is gossip and they love it.

You’ve noticed it, too, obviously. JJ tried to tease you about it, after Spencer bought you your favourite coffee and morning muffin on the way to the precinct, but you shut her down (and yourself from thinking about it too much) by reminding her you spent several days caring for him. He’s repaying you, even though you’ve told him he doesn’t need to.

Ever heard of transference, JJ?

A shiver runs through you as you look into the interrogation room. It’s not because of the suspect, though, it’s because the AC has been turned up – a tactic Hotch promises will be worth it despite your chattering teeth.

Something’s wrapped around you, suddenly, light but cosy and adds some heat to you that you need.

It’s a cardigan. Grey, much too big for you, the sleeves falling way beyond your arms and length reaching your mid-thigh. There’s a little red heart with eyes stitched on the left breast.

It’s Spencer’s.

“You’re shivering,” Spencer chastises, seemingly appearing from nowhere, “You know, when we shiver, it’s our bodies doing the opposite of sweating – it tightens the skin and shakes the muscles, a process that conserves and generates heat. We shiver to get warm. Do you not have a coat?”

“Alright, dad,” You tease, “It’s in the conference room. I wasn’t prepared for Hotch to make the unsub an icicle.”

Spencer breathes a laugh, moving closer to reach an arm around you. His other hand presses against your bicep, his grip sturdy as he vigorously rubs up and down your arms to generate heat.

Whoa.

It certainly works. You feel hot, suddenly, but not because of the cardigan or whatever the hell he’s doing, because Spencer has voluntarily touched you and is standing so close you feel like you’re on fire from the inside out. You’re sure your heart skips a beat and you stare at him in bewilderment.

He shrugs, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, “My mom used to do that for me when I was young and got cold. I thought you’d appreciate it.”

You give a shy smile, “Yeah, I appreciate it a lot, Spence. Thanks.”

When Hotch leaves the interrogation room, he half-halts when he sees you in Spencer’s cardigan. It’s the perfect Hotch reaction, combined with the rise of an eyebrow as he walks past you to reconvene with the team.

You don’t take it off when you all walk back to the conference room, and Spencer doesn’t ask for it back.

Everyone notices. A lot of eye contact is made with many questions silently asked.

You and Spencer pretend not to notice.

+++

There’s a knock on your door at precisely 10:12pm. You check because your first instinct is if I’m about to get robbed, I’m making sure the timestamps are correct.

It’s not a robber. It’s Spencer – frazzled, wrapped up all nice and warm like a pretty present, Spencer Reid.

His nose is slightly red from the biting cold outside.

Leaning against your doorframe, you say, “Hey there,”

“Hi,” He waves.

You stare for a couple of seconds, then remember the polite thing to do is invite him in: “Come in, come in! Do you want some tea? You look cold.”

“Coffee would be great, thank you.”

You move to your kitchen, not very far from your front door, but Spencer stays put and awkwardly glances around your place. He loves it, he decides. Very you.

You notice he hasn’t moved, “Make yourself comfortable, Spence. My cat is somewhere if you want to say hi.”

He slowly moves to your couch, removing his coat, scarf and satchel as he does it. Two drinks in hand, you join him and fling your fluffy sock-clad feet onto your coffee table.

“So what can I help you with?” You ask.

Spencer takes a sip of his burning drink, “What makes you think I want something?”

“Why else would you be here? You wanna watch Grey’s Anatomy with me?”

Spencer laughs lightly. You’re right. He’s here for a reason that isn’t to watch TV that he loves to correct with you.

He’s quiet, then, and does that thing where his tongue flicks out to lightly wet his lips in nervousness.

“Something’s been going on.” He starts, ambiguously, “And it’s left me asking a lot of questions.”

Your brows furrow. It’s not like Spencer to be cryptic like this.

“Did it mean anything?” He asks, finally, turning to look at you. “Any of it?”

“Did what mean anything?”

“The.. the playing with the hair, the over-all gentleness, the cuddling.”

Your shoulders tighten up and you hope he doesn’t notice.

He does.

“Spence,” You give a fake laugh, “You were hurt and I was comforting you. Looking after you. You know, like a friend does.”

“No one else did as much as you.”

“You wanted comfort, and I’m more than happy to provide that, Spence. Everyone else was busy.”

“You took time off for me.”

You don’t have an answer for that.

You’re trying to keep the conversation light and breezy to not show your true feelings. You’re not ready for that kind of conversation, but he’s right. You used your vacation days to stay with him and care for him.. and you know you didn’t do it platonically.

“You’re my friend, Spence,” You say, voice soft.

“That’s it? That’s all it was?” He doesn’t sound angry, or hurt, maybe peeved. He won’t look you in the eyes, though.

“What else would it be?”

Spencer scoffs.

He moves away from you, hands running through his hair in exasperation when he lets out a breath.

“We cuddled, Y/N. I haven’t done that with anyone in-in years! The last person was my mother when I was ten years old!”

“That’s supposed to mean something?!”

“I-I don’t know,” He sounds exhausted, as if the complications of his emotions are taking way too much energy out of him, “But I really liked it. And I really like you.”

You look at him, then, and he’s staring back. He looks… hopeful.

“I really like you, Y/N.”

You swallow deeply.

“I tried to show you with the uh, the cardigan thing,” He scratches the back of his neck, a laugh to mock himself leaving him, “But I’ve never been good with that stuff.”

He moves closer, shifting to face you, eyes remaining locked with yours.

“Say something.” He whispers.

“I-I-“ You stutter, “Are you sure?”

“Of course I am. I’ve spent the last week thinking about it non-stop.”

“Really?” You laugh in disbelief.

“Yeah!” He gives a small smile, “I-uh.. wrote to my mom about you, too. She told me that if I’m this caught up on you, you must be special. Which you are, by the way.”

“I’m special?” You grin teasingly.

“Very special.”

There’s a moment where you think he’s going to kiss you, but instead he shyly asks, “Do you feel the same?”

You bite your lip. “I do. Really, I do. I’m just.. a little apprehensive, I guess.”

“Of what?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Nothing is stupid when it comes to you.”

God, he’s so infuriatingly sweet. You wish you could kiss him all over.

You might be able to, if all this goes well.

“I don’t want things to be weird if we don’t work out.” You admit, adding a shrug to appear casual. It’s not like you’ve worried about this since you realised you liked him.

Spencer tilts his head at you, “You’re already thinking about a breakup when we haven’t even gone on a first date?”

You giggle, which he returns with a smile, “I mean- I like you, Spence, and have for a while. I’ve thought about all outcomes.”

“All?”

You roll your eyes as he gives you a look, “Yes, all. I’d want us to work out but.. what if we don’t?”

He places a now warmed up hand on yours, “Well, we won’t know unless we try, right?” His hold tightens, “I’m willing to give it my all if you are.”

You look from your hands to his face, and decide yes, if there’s one risk you want to take in your life, it’s a risk that could possibly result in you spending the rest of your life with your favourite person on this planet.

So you nod.

“I’ll give you my all, and then some.”

He grins, “That’s quite the promise.”

You don’t reply, instead swinging your legs over his lap and leaning into his side to cuddle up to him. He reciprocates like it’s second nature, hand slipping from yours to wrap around your waist and tug you closer.

“Wanna watch Star Trek as a mini first date?” You look up at him through your eyelashes.

You really are perfect for me, Spencer thinks.

“Yes. Yes I do.”

[the-ghost-king]

you have any nico headcanons where he’s ftm trans but then realizes he’s also nonbinary (he/they/she)? just struggling with gender identity lately ig.

Alright, anon, I hope these help you some, my gender has been rather ~~~ lately, if that makes any sense... I would also like to remind everyone to bind safely and if you need resources on how to safely bind without a binder feel free to reach out to me:

Nico always just knew he was a boy, dresses were a no-go, couldn't stand to wear anything that wasn't undeniably boys clothes

In the beginning Maria thought maybe it was just a texture problem, but when Nico was three she came home to see him cutting all of his hair off she knew it was deeper

This is why they ended up moving to America eventually, Maria decided that if they started over then Nico would be able to be himself

Bianca named him on the way over, she liked the name because they were "winning" by leaving Italy

Nothing really signifigant happens in regards to Nico and his gender through this point, he is able to play freely with other boys, and he goes to school with them and such

The same in the Lotus Hotel, nothing signifigant

When he and Bianca go to Westover Nico is kind of scared the whole time, because he is worried about being "caught", changing for afterschool soccer games and having communal shower spaces at the school is difficult for him to feel comfortable

He usually tries to shower late at night or early in the morning when nobody is around, and that works out okay for him

His chest starts developing around this point and he freaks out, he has no clue how to hide it or how to deal with the new stress

He ends up trying to find Bianca one day, and they do all sorts of crazy stuff to see if they can help, eventually they figure out how to use a piece of cloth they sew together

When Nico ends up at camp alone without Bianca, there's the problem once again of communal showers and they're rarely ever empty

This is how he befriends the Stolls

At some point the pair of them notice Nico is weirdly panicky about the bathrooms so they go stand outside and keep people out when Nico's in there... It's honestly how they perfect their pranking techniques

When Nico runs away from camp upset, just the day before his binder had quit fitting and he had been upset by that because he had to make a binder again

Although his sister dying pushed all other thoughts out of his head, the emotions from previous events were still leftover

This is why he buys his jacket TM, because the layers help hide his chest more and the weight is comfortable

At some point during the Labrynth he ends up binding with ace bandages (AN: Don't do this)

He also starts his period at some time around this point and kind of freaks out "oh no" and it's not entirely that his period bothers him, but more so that he just doesn't know how he's supposed to hide it

He also realizes at some point around here that he likes Percy, which makes him feel odd and more freaked out

He's struggling because "boys are supposed to like girls" and also he's struggling because if most boys oon't have periods and he does... why doesn't his bother him?

Despite Nico himself being trans, he doesn't have the vocabulary to describe anything he's going through, and he doesn't know there's other trans people, or even queer people of any sort

So he sort of begins to question "am I really a boy?" but there's so much going on in the world and he's got so much to do, so he can't really devote much time to thinking about it

Everything continues about canonically until he's in the jar after Tartarus

During a fight with a monster or something he was knocked over, and combine this with the fact that Nico was binding with ace bandages, he definitly breaks a rib

Which makes breathing with little air a lot harder

Eventually he's saved and through ambrosia and nectar Nico manages to heal his ribs a little

He isn't able to bind that whole time though, so he does his best to keep away from The Seven

After Cupid outs him to Jason, Jason asks a few days later if he wants to talk about it, at first Nico is like "no go away I don't like you don't talk to me"

But eventually he opens up to Jason, because Jason was like "I'm sorry you had to do that I promise I won’t tell anyone and if you want to talk we can talk"

Anyhow eventually Nico kind of just breaks down and he's like "I don't know if I'm a boy or a girl? I think I used to be a girl, but now I am a boy and I don't really remember how it happened” or something similar

It takes Jason a moment but eventually he’s like “Oh you’re trans?”

And Nico;s like “heh? What’s that?

And so him and Jason talk, but Jason is only kind of well versed in this topic, so he only covers “basic” MtF and FtM transition because he doesn’t really know enough about other genders to feel comfortable explaining it

And Nico’s like “there’s people? Out there?? Like me??” and he’s just Happy Nico ™

Nico is like “and there are people like me who like boys?”

And Jason is like “Yeah totally!” but internally he’s like (I think so??)

Anyhow Nico feels a little better, but he doesn’t feel perfect, he’s still struggling a little bit internally to recognize that there’s other people like him and he’s not wrong for being him

Anyhow, Jason doesn’t know enough about this stuff to know binders exist, Jason just has a little bit of secondhand information from tv shows and from being from California… He promises he’ll look into various things more when he’s back at camp or has decent access to internet

On Nico’s quest with Reyna and Hedge he obvious evaporates Bryce, and Reyna and Hedge find out

They find out he’s gay as in canon, but they realize he’s trans when caking him in mud

Hedge just goes into dad mode about the situation and is like “son”, “sport”, “kiddo”, “my male child” etc

Reyna knows a little more about trans stuff than Jason, but she’s kind of in the same “ehhh I’m not really sure of a few things” boat, but she’s supportive and she’s like “I will beat anyone who gives you a dirty look up so fast”

Eventually they get to camp, and all that happens

Three days in the infirmary happens, and basically Nico has to tell Will for medical reasons that he’s trans because Nico needs stitches or something

Anyhow Will is like “Oh yeah cool me too, can you take your binder off now?”

And Nico is like “heh???”

Anyhow Will finds out Nico is binding with ace bandages and he’s like “no, don’t do that” and then he goes and finds a proper binder in Nico’s size which he gives to him after his stay is up

When they befriend one another they have a short conversation about gender and Will is discussing like gender theory 101 type stuff, and he’s like “wait why dont you know this- oh yeah you’re from the thirties- wait do you even know what nonbinary means??”

And Nico is just staring at Will like he has three heads for the whole conversation

So Will teaches Nico about gender and pronouns, and gender presentation vs gender identity, etc

And so Nico goes “wait so there are people like me who are also gay?”

And Will is like “I like boys and girls and everything in between so yeah”

And the whole enby thing doesn’t really stick with Nico at that point he’s just like “hmm interesting, so testosterone?”

It’s just not his biggest concern, he’s just happy to know there are in fact others like him, and no he’s not crazy for not being dysphoric over his period, and that’s normal too

And he’s just like “oh so that’s top dysphoria?”

And Will is like “yeah :/”

“Oh :/”

“Mhmm :/”

Anyhow they become like good friends and they start dating sort of on accident, like they’re too close to just argue they’re friends anymore, and at some point Will just shows Nico how to give him a T shot and it’s like chill, they’re chill

Anyhow one day someone is kind of confused by Nico’s gender so they use the word “they” and it makes Nico really happy for some reason, so he goes back to Will and he’s like “tell me about this whole nobinary thing again?”

And Will is like “yes absolutely”

And Nico goes “I think I might be nonbinary can we try new pronouns?”

And so they go through all sorts of new pronouns, and Nico decides he still likes he/him but he also likes they/them and xer/xem… They likes she/her too but Nico finds it too uncomfortable sometimes because it reminds him of dysphoria

Nico decides xyr uncomfortable with using she/her but they like using female gendered terms so he does that

(Listen, I know Will saying “this is my boyfriend” was a big moment but Will calling Nico his “wife” is 10/10)

Nico’s friends are all super supportive and they do their best to learn more about gender and such things in order to better support and care for Nico

They all use different pronouns for xem and some people alternate pronouns too, but Nico knows that takes more practice

But it’s just like good and positive in Nico’s life

And he begins to play with fashion a lot and xe finds out xyr love of skirts with tights and combat boots because it’s 10/10 the best fashion

Nico also loves their big jackets and they just looks so comfy all the time everyone is like “I want to be him” and Nico grows their hair out long again, and gets his ears pierced and xe’s just a nonbinary fashion icon

They are just so cool once they figure out gender more and Nico’s just happy to play around with xyr gender and he just enjoys it

Will doesn’t play around with gender so much, he’s 100% a binary trans guy but T helped make him comfortable enough in his femininity to wear skirts a little bit on the occasion (Will in a cat maid dress 10/10), but heels and skinny jeans for some reason are still big dysphoria triggers for him so he does have some limits on what he’ll wear

Will gets top surgery when he’s like 17 because Naomi is an extremely supportive parent

So that’s how Nico meets Will’s mom and she’s like “it’s so nice to finally meet you!” and Naomi just immediately falls in love with xem and Will is like “I know they’re amazing”

And Nico is just really supportive and they sort of role reverse and Nico plays nurse while Will recovers from top surgery and they has to like brush his teeth and stuff

The experience (despite the fact that Will had an easier recovery) assures Nico in how much he wants top surgery, and he’s sad he’ll have to wait another year until he’s 18 to get it done

Anyhow Hades finds out and agrees to sign the wavers, so once Will is healed up enough to wear he can put his own clothes on and stuff, Nico decides to go through with xyrs own top surgery then too

Reyna comes to help Will take care of Nico, and Jason does too

Originally Will was supposed to help more with Nico’s care but he wasn’t able to do as much as he thought so they had to phone their friends

Eventually they both heal up really well and they’re happy to be done with that

Nico spends time debating testosterone, while Will spends time debating lower surgery

During this time Nico starts art school and Will starts medical school

Meeting more nonbinary people makes Nico feel at home and he determines that xe doesn’t want to go on testosterone but it’s still a maybe in the future

Will however decides he does want lower surgery, so Will and Lou Ellen decide to get lower surgery together as friends so they can share in the pain (Lou Ellen is a trans woman as far as I’m concerned this is canon)

Nico takes some time off to do school from home so he can help the two of them, and Naomi comes to live with them as well for a bit

Will and Nico both finish school eventually and they decide to adopt trans kids to help them out more

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy all of that anon! I'm all ideaed (idea-ed??) out and so I hope this is at least similar to what you were looking for, and this is helpful with your dysphoria somewhat <3

[ghostsxagain]

//hey friends. looks like I needed the weekend away from my computer. I had no muse and focused on other hobbies and tasks (yesterday Jamie and I spent the day running errands and hanging out and it was really nice to unwind with him - he woke me up with Tim’s breakfast he got for us, it was a good day). today I have an in class essay to write from 6-9pm and have to go to the pharmacy but I would really like to try bringing muse back later if I can.

I still haven’t really come to a decision about work though I think I’m getting closer. my gut is telling me to put my two weeks in now. and to take a few weeks at minimum off of work. just focus on the end of semester, do my assignments and take care of my mental health. then I can apply for jobs and take it slow. my mom thinks I may need to take a few months off to recover but I’ll have to look into what my options are (maybe if I stay jobless I can get a bigger osap loan to help with rent during summer sessions? no idea). I just dont have the energy anymore. under the cut I’m going to post what happened saturday. it’s long so don’t feel inclined to read if ya don’t wanna. I just wanted to get it out there//

so r, my supervisor started at 7am. I started at 8am. we had three open shifts throughout the day, with an operator set to come it at 9am and another at 3pm, then the manager, k, at 4:30pm. pretty baren schedule. well, the 9am tells r that she isn’t coming in today, so it will literally just be the two of us all day. naturally we panic because we can’t handle calls alone! and what about our lunch breaks! only one person will be on? that’s not fair! so r calls k and asks her what to do. k says to contact two other operators that don’t work saturdays and ask them to come in.... okay, helpful. neither of them answers us.

so we do what we can. thankfully call volumes are pretty low. k comes in at 11 and bumps our breaks up and she covers them. she sends me a message saying something like “thank you for doing this today. can you take lunch at 12 instead?” and I ignored the first half of her message and just confirmed the lunch time because I’m mad at her.

I come back from lunch and all hell breaks loose. k left and wont be coming back until 2ish. so its just r and I again and o m g. we keep getting calls from one of our property management companies. the residents received a weird note about the parking passes and that their cars will get towed if they dont go to the office to update the passes or whatever but no one is at the office so everyone is standing outside in the cold so their cars dont get towed. we took one disgruntled call and notified the property manager right away, as per our instructions. well, the calls wouldn’t stop. over and over residents called screaming at us. we have a queue of 5-8 calls for an hour, they won’t stop. after so many people yelling I snapped and just started bawling. I messaged r that I need a breather to take my medication so I leave for a few minutes. she apologizes and tells me to take my time. by the time I come back it seems to have quieted down.

then k comes in and she messages me another thank you message and I couldn’t handle it. I told her that this isnt easy or fair and this past week has drained me and I can’t continue working under these conditions. she apologized for the girl calling in sick, said she didn’t know that would happen, and that she tries to get people to come in. I said that my point is bigger than just today though, we’ve been understaffed for ages and haven’t brought anyone new on. we had three open shifts before she called in sick - thats a problem man. she said that she has the board outside (basically a wooden standup in the plaza the office is in that advertises that we’re hiring) and hasn’t found anyone yet. I got mad and said ‘look, I don’t think the board is sufficient. do you have an ad on indeed or kijiji? I referred someone to you and you passed on her, as have other ladies here. something more needs to be done.’ well she didn’t like that. she called me right away and was extremely defensive and was literally crying. she said that people hired need to work in the office for 3 months to see that they’re a good fit and that’s why she didn’t take on my referral (my sister who lives out of city, but its remote work so why does that matter BUT OKAY) and I said ‘K, I’m not attacking you. you can train however you like, I’m just bringing it up to say that us as operators have tried to help you with hiring and even that isn’t enough.’ she said that its been so hard and she’s doing all she can and blah blah blah. I told her frankly it isn’t enough. I shouldn’t have to be thanked for working BARE BONES shifts. I shouldn’t have to take 40 calls in one hour like I did last week. I told her I’m tired and have nothing else to give and that I’m being honest with her. she knows I’m a student, she knows I have depression and anxiety issues. yet she’s going to cry to me about how hard things have been???????? she didn’t want to talk or acknowledge my feelings, all she said back was “I guess I have to try harder” and I said YUPP and hung up. she immediately went on DND and didn’t take calls until I was about to leave for the day. 

so yeah I’m done. a manager that has been with the company LONGER THAN I HAVE BEEN ALIVE can’t take suggestions? complaints? concerns? can’t just listen to her employee without taking it personally? hm. yikes. I wrote my resignation letter and am just debating how I want to go about this. I’ve been with the company for 5 years. I can’t take it anymore. the callers are tough already, now my boss has to pile on and not hire. I shouldn’t have to be thanked for dealing with this shit - just don’t put me in these positions!!!!

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

This is a Repost from my Ao3 I wanted to bring it to Tumblr. I hope you like it Its currently 5 chapters. As I was editing the last chapter I decided to go a different direction than on Ao3. So moving forward the story will be different.

Word Count: 1500 approx

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.5

Chapter 6: Mental Fortress

Ch.7

You shuffle in your place as everyone acknowledges your presence. Which you find ironic because it is your house. You chuckle at the thought actually. "So how are we… I see you've made yourselves at home." Everyone just kinda looks at you with scared eyes. You leave them in silence for a while.

"It's a joke lighten up." Your say and everyone seems to release their breath at your words. Behind you, you hear someone clear their throat. "Bruce you've come back! Where'd you go?" He doesn't get the chance to tell when you're interrupted by Pepper. "I asked him to come back." You nod and Bruce jumps back in. "I came back because you helped me and heard you needed some." 

"But we are not talking about that now… now we're doing breakfast." You wave Bruce off As Pepper is about to walk off, you stop her. "Did you tell everyone?" You say as you clear your throat. She nods. "Right fine I guess I should get used to this." Again she nods with a sly smile. You both make your way towards the group you're surprised to see that even Maria Hill was there. Nat is cooking with Steve. You walk towards Pietro and sit next to him. “Hi.” You say simply. He chuckles and gives you an award-winning smile. 

“You’ve got a nice place here.” He mentions looking around at your home. “You said it well It’s a place, not a home.” He turns to face you a more somber look taking place on his face. “You get what I mean dont you?” He nods. “Orphans can spot orphans from a mile away.” You laugh at his joke. “That’s one way to put it.” You look around looking for those eyes that pierce your soul but are disappointed when you don't find them. “Speaking of where is your sister I don't see her.”

He looks down at his hands. “She will kill me if she finds out I told you… She knew about what happened to your friends.” You furrow your eyebrows not understanding until Pietro moves his hands to his own head. “She read your mind.” You nod understanding. “Well if she thinks I’m mad tell her I’m not I’m well aware of the lack of control when it comes to her abilities.” He shakes his head. “Well, as much as I think she'd appreciate your sentiment… I think she’s angry at you.” Your eyes widen. “Well, that’s a first.” He sighs “She’s in the restroom I think.” He finally answers you nod. Making a mental note to keep your distance from the Maximoff Witch. 

“Okay, thanks for the heads up… I’m going to go help, Nat and Steve.” He simply gives you a thumbs up and continues gawking at your place. “Nat, how are you? Steve, it’s been a while.” He smiles while Natasha seems to not be listening to you. You pay no mind to it, starting a conversation with Steve. By the time that you’re done talking with Steve, everyone’s plate has been served. Once you finally settle down you wince when you notice our head throbbing. The first to notice was Tony, but he didn’t mention it. When you stand up to get water you stumble and fall clasping your hands on either side of your head. Curling into a little ball murmuring to yourself. 

Pietro is the first one that makes it to you his hands on your shoulder trying to get you to respond. The pain becoming agonizing you yell pleading for the noise and the pain to stop. Then all of a sudden your mind goes blank no pain no sounds nothing. You’re in an endless white tundra. A woman in the distance walking back and forth until she notices you. “Y/N sweet heart… look at you. I knew you would be strong.” You don't know the woman, but you feel safe in her presence. You walk closer to her curiosity making the best of you. “Do I know you, I feel like I should know you.” She laughs taking your face in her hands. “Y/N, monkey it’s me your mom.” 

As much as those words should take you by surprise they don't. “I’ve seen you before haven’t I?” She nods, “Only when you really needed it, but I’ve never left your side. Not once science I passed.” She shifts in her stance and hugs you. “You’re dead, you didn’t abandon me did you?” She shakes her head. “It’s complicated honey, but no. I brought you here for a reason listen carefully.” you nod  “Right this path you’re on revenge that family it will be the death of you.” You’re shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth. “You say you never left me, you say you were with me, then you know what they did to me. WHAT HE DID TO ME!  I was a kid.” 

“Y/n I need you to understand those people aren’t who they seem… You’ve already been here too long. Promise me Y/n” You shake your head denying her. “They will pay for the pain they caused me.” She walks towards you reaching for you. “No one will stop me, not even you.” Suddenly the pain begins to build again, the noise filling your head again. She takes hold of your head and meets your gaze. “This vendetta will turn you from those around you, you will force them to turn their back on you if you continue down this path Y/N.” She stops noticing you calming down the pain subsiding. 

“If you keep at this it will kill your father… It will kill him to have to turn his back on you. He will do it Y/n if you force his hand they all will, even Logan.” You fall to your knees “Mom, you know I can’t. I can’t forget I still remember and I wish I could just let go, but I CAN’T.” you wail the tears brimming in your eyes. “Y/n listen to me you will, in time you just need to heal I’ll always be here remember that. You need to get back now you’ve been here too long.” Again the noise and the pain begin to take hold of you this time you let it consume you embracing the hurt, the pain and the feeling of helplessness. 

The Avengers Pov 

“What’s happening to her Bruce?” Tony asks desperately. “I don’t know Tony, her scans and tests are normal, nothing is out of place.” Tony begins to pace back and forth not noticing when Wanda walks into the room. She begins to make her way to the medical bed when Bruce stops her. “Wanda stop what are you doing?” He calls out quickly scared of what the witch would do to Y/n. She stops placing her hands in the air to signify peace. “I can go into her head and maybe find out what’s wrong.” she says calmly. “There’s no need, her brain scans are normal and steady. The last thing we need is you making her re-live her worst nightmare, again.” He says spitefully. Tony jumps in again. “She won’t do that again, do what you have to do Wanda, I’m trusting you.” He says looking her in the eyes.

Wanda nods at Tony and continues walking until she makes it to your side. She inhales deeply the red wisp of magic already leaving her hands. Not long after that she screams and jumps back in agony. “Wanda! What happened?” Tony asks as he helps her get up. “I don't know it’s like there’s a barrier around her mind...almost like she doesn’t want me to see. It’s so loud in there and it hurts Tony.” It had already been a couple of hours and nothing she hadn’t woken up. 

“It could be the drugs that she takes maybe she overdosed?” Says Natasha trying to find a plausible explanation for your current state. Pepper only shakes her head. “It’s not possible she would not have woken up today.” Tony cuts in again “Drugs don't make your minds a fortress Wanda could not get into her head. If it was drugs that would not be the case.” He says angrily, and it causes Steve to become suspicious. “What aren’t you telling us, Tony?” He asks harshly, his tone threatening. “Listen Capsicle I don't have to tell you everything.” He spat venomously. “Last time you kept things to yourself all hell broke loose and Y/n’s friends ended up paying the price.” Steve quickly retorted. 

“I can assure you that this one Is not a life-altering secret.” He sighs as now the rest of the team looks at him expectantly. Tony takes a deep breath, taking one last look through the window to see Y/n then turning to Pepper. She nods and Tony exhales. “She’s my daughter.” He says quickly. Letting it sink into the rest of the team. Everyone’s eyes widen in surprise, but their reaction is quickly cut short by Y/n’s scream. “MOM, I CANT PROMISE YOU… JUST DON'T LEAVE, I will try” The last being a whisper that you’re not even sure you said.

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Protection

*some people might be disappointed because of the title, haha. its not what you think haha. 

Summary: Reader works for the FBI (BAU lol) and Tom finds out about it and gets in a heated argument and it works out in the end.

A/N: Ok so this has to be me watching way too much criminal minds and wanting crossovers. I am also aware the working there is not what I wrote in here, but I wanted reader to be proud of what she does even if there are risks involved soo yeah. enough about me, hope you enjoy!

Your work was something that was a secret to most of your friends, not that you really had any. No one really knew you worked for the fbi, but that's because you didn't want anyone you love to get hurt. Finding love was hard because you couldn't say what you did for a living. I mean you could but it would be funny to tell someone, “yeah i catch serial killers most of the time how about you?” I mean you would pretty much scare them off.

Throughout the time though, you found that if you say you're a nurse they would believe you and would usually explain why you work all day and night, but when they somehow go to that hospital you said you worked at they suspect you as a liar, you know tricking men that you worked in a hospital to appear “cool ” as they would say. But if only they knew your real occupation. You did get a medical degree, but in a different area, and told your mom you graduated early, but in reality, you were taken into college for your brains, and you took classes in many areas of subjects for your career, and you graduated early, but left with some college debt, which you later paid. Later getting into the academy and being one of the youngest agents in the fbi.

Lucky later the universe was nice to you and brought you someone special. Tom. You met Tom when you were getting coffee on your one day off of the year. Tom noticed how lovely you were, I mean you were just reading a book, but to him you made reading look fun.

He walked up to you and you got to no one another and later on went on a couple dates. You really liked him and you didn't want your little lie to ruin everything, but he had told you he was an actor so it worked well for you, but you felt guilty lying to him. You knew lying to him was terrible, but you really liked him, and if you had to lie to keep him safe, it was worth it.

You were on a case where Tom happened to be shooting a movie. You were talking to some people in the industry business because the case was kinda smuggled in with it. You knew the chances of seeing him were low.

“So is there anyone that could seem, out of line, you know, getting too comfortable with the ladies or even the guys?” you asked the director.

“None that i know of..well actually there is one actress who complained about someone being too comfortable with her, let me get her.” he said as you nodded and called your boss.

“Looks like i got someone, not sure, but i'll let you know what happens.” you say as he agreed and you couldn't believe your eyes. The zendaya was standing right in front of you. You were so shocked. Sometimes this job has its perks.

“Zendaya, this is an fbi agent, agent this is the actress i told you about.” he said you shook hands.

“Hi nice to meet you, I'm agent y/n, i have a few questions if that's okay.” you said as she nodded. You were led to the lunch room where it was lonely so it was easy to talk.

“I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances” you said as she smiled.

“Yeah no worries, i'm just glad there is a way i can help.” she said as you opened the file.

“So this guy who was he?” you said as she tried remembering.

“Well he said he was my character's designer, you know making outfits and even making clothes and small things for the characters.” she said as you nodded.

“Okay, did he give you any gifts? Like jewelry, or even a prop that you weren't allowed to keep.” you asked as she slowly nodded.

“Now that you bring it up he has, he gave me this prop thats a hammer type of thing thats supposed to be from the middle ages.” she said as you nodded.

“Alright did you happen to catch his name.” you said as she nodded giving you a name. You thank her for helping you and luckily got a chance to talk.

“So what's it like being in the fbi? Is it anything like the movies?” she asked as you laughed.

“I mean not really, it's more paperwork than actual field work, but i guess this case is giving me more field work.” you said as you both chuckled.

“So what movie or show are you filming here? I mean if you can tell me.” you said as she nodded.

“It's the new spider man movie, have you heard of it?” she said as your eyes went wide. There was no way you were here. Tom could've seen you.

“Really? I uh, yeah I have, I might see it.” you said as you jumped over your words as she nodded and was called by what you assumed was her assistant.

“Well I have to go, good luck finding this creep,” she said as you nodded.

“Oh wait, here's my card, if anything happens, or if you remember anything.” you said as you handed it over and she nodded.

You then sighed and turned around to only see tTom. You were just staring for about a good minute and you turned around trying to leave the set. He followed you seeing why exactly you were here.  You were trying to get away but he got to you.

“y/n! What are you doing here, love? Did you come visit me?” he asked as you just stumbled on your words.

“I uh, i h-” you said as the director cut you off.

“Agent y/n! Did you end up talking to zendaya?” he asked as you nodded.

“Agent?” Tom said as the director caught up to them as you looked at his emotions change.

“Yeah i did, i should have everything, but please if there is anything you remember or even see these past few days please call me or my team?” you said as he nodded as you gave him a card and Tom just looked at you in confusion.

“Oh gosh I'm so sorry, I should introduce you to our spider man before you go. Tom this is agent y/n, she's working with the FBI on a case here, agent this is tom, you probably know him.” he said as you shook hands with him, you knew he was confused and possibly angry.

“I probably have, I hope your filming goes smoothly. I really should get going.” you said as they both nodded. You left knowing there was gonna be a fight at home.

A week later the case was closed and the creep was taken. You were just glad to go home and sleep, but you knew that wasn't the case. You then got a call, you answered and it was zendaya.

“Agent y/n? Hi this is zendaya. I heard you got the guy.” she said as you sighed.

“Yeah we did and it’s a couple more creeps, they are gonna go away for a long time.” you said as she chuckled.

“Hey I was wondering, if you wanted to go to the premier of the movie? I figured we can say thank you that way, and hopefully become friends?” you said as you knew what this could lead to, but heck one friend couldn't hurt.

“I mean that is if you're allowed to.” she said as you chuckled.

“Yeah i should be, but let me get you back on that to make sure I can go.” you said as you said goodbye.

On the plane ride home, you knew Tom would be waiting for you back home in the living room. As you got there you noticed the light was on. You walked in as expected seeing Tom in the living room. You put your bag down and kicked off your shoes. You walked over to Tom as he was sitting down. You sat across from him as he faced the ground.

“We need to talk.” he said as you gulped.

“Yeah i know.” you said as he looked at you.

“When were you gonna tell me?” he said as you looked down.

“I couldn't.” was all you said as he scoffed.

“You couldn't or you wouldn't tell me? How long were we gonna get away with working as a nurse?” he said as you understood his anger.

“y/n i have been nothing but honest, but you have been lying to me for 2 years! After I told you about my job, you never considered telling me yours!” he said as you looked at the ground.

“I really can't believe you would think you would get away with this! And it's clear to me that you didn't care! You didn't bother telling me.” he said as you looked at him.

“y/n please say something you not saying anything is clear to me that you were never in this relationship. What else have you been lying to me about?” he asked as you cleared your throat.

“I couldn't tell you because my job is dangerous,” you said as he scoffed.

“Please y/n, as if i don't know that. What if you died? Huh what were you gonna tell me then!” he said as you waited for him to calm down.

“Tom I didn't tell you because I didn't want you later being in danger because of me. I was trying to protect you.” you said as cliche as it sounded.

“You don't need to protect me love, you need to be honest with me.” he said as you looked up at him.

“Okay you want me to be honest, then here it is. I'm sorry I don't want to be the reason you die! I'm sorry I don't want to be the reason that your parents will hate me someday because I put your lives in danger. I'm scared that one day I will find you dead on the floor. I'm scared to find your family dead on the floor. If you haven't noticed i dont have any contact with family or friends because I don't want to risk their safety. That is why I lied to you and i'm sorry for yelling.” you said as you looked at him and saw him regret and you tried calming yourself down.

“And I was gonna tell you on my own time and no i didn't think i was gonna get away with this because i knew this exact conversation was gonna happen. And me dying was the last thought I had because I knew you and your family would be out of danger.” you said.

There was a long pause of just silence. Tom was upset, sure, but he never got to understand why you couldn't tell him. He knew your reasons but he wanted to know why.

“I-i am sorry, i'm really sorry i overreacted.” he said as he looked down to the ground and you just half smiled and sat next to him.

“Bubs, it's okay, you didn't know and you found out in a bad way so this is on me.” you said as he shook his head.

“No, it's me too, I'm the one who didn't understand, I should be forgiving you instead of you forgiving me.” he said as you shook your head.

“It's alright really, now you know, and you're gonna know everything I do from now on.” you said as he nodded.

Every couple has their ups and downs, and the downs get you to the ups, and this was one of them.

[igotyouniverse]

Breathe Me - Chapter 1 [nct vamp au]

Description: After dropping out of college and coming home for the first time in two years, 22-year-old Ava Lee gets caught up in a mystery surrounding the people she thought she knew for so long. Between friendship, affairs and true love the young women finds herself being pulled into a  nightmare she would never wake up from.

Pairing: Oc x Taeyong , Oc x Johnny [several side-pairing involving Mark, Ten, Lucas and Jaehyun.]

Included Members: Taeyong, Johnny, Mark, Lucas, Ten, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Haechan (maybe more)

Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst, Action, Fantasy

Warnings: none (this chapter)

suggestive content, strong language, violence, blood, death. probably more, not sure yet (later chapters)

a/n: Here it comes! After years of procrestination I finally managed to write the very first (very boring) chapter of my vampire au with nct! Anyway, the main drama will start in the next chapter so stay patient and bear this one with me. It took me long enough, haha. All the warnings will be for later chapters so don't start reading if u dont feel like reading stuff like that qq If someone wants to get tagged please send me a message, ask, comment or whatever qq

I really hope you guys enjoy it, it was a very heavy birth. ♥

ch.2 || ch. 3

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The girl sighed deeply and took a look outside the small airplane window. She saw how the plane slowly drove into the prepared parking lot and felt how her level of anxiety rose with each second. Even though the flight was 18 hours long and her legs started to hurt she didn't want to stand up. Standing up meant for her to actually leave the plane, get her luggage and meet her family which would sooner or later lead to them asking all these questions. It wasn't like she didn't miss them.

She missed them very dearly. She missed the Sunday morning brunches with her neighbours, the movie nights where her dad would always pick out a movie because he'd pout if not, she even missed  her little brother Mark bursting into her room without knocking and asking her some totally stupid questions. She missed catching up with her best friend. She missed all these sleepovers when all they had to worry about was who the cutest boy at school was and what they'll do together once they were adults. She craved for all these past memories. The last time she set foot onto this ground was two years ago at her very first spring break after leaving home, moving to a town thousand of miles away, not knowing anyone.

She heard a beeping noise which indicated that the passengers could stand up and get out but she waited. All of them seemed in such a hurry to leave the plane, grabbing their belongings, everyone trying to get out first which ended in a crowded queue inside of the plane. She stretched her legs as much as possible, not making the slightest move to stand up.

Her eyes wandered back to the window, allowing her to take a glance at the sky, she wished to be into again. It was still quite bright outside, even though it was nearly evening, the sun nearly blinding her when she looked up, leading her to cover her eyes with her hand. The sunsets were so different in the States than here, in South Korea. Her eyes tried to focus on the slowly fading sun, leaving the sky in beautiful pinks and oranges with just a hint of soft white clouds.

Her mind started to spin, thinking about all the things she had to explain to her family sooner or later. But for now she needed to stay positive and hide the fact that she – the oh-so-perfect – student managed to drop out of a university, her parents nearly went insolvent to pay for to allow their daughter to get the best medical education they could think of. At the beginning the girl actually thought that it was her biggest dream to become a famous surgeon but after a short while she had to face the ugly truth that the job she so desperately wanted to do as long as she could remember just wasn't her thing.

She tried so badly to keep on and thought that it's just a phase every young adult went through when they started university but every time she talked to her friends at university she saw that that wasn't exactly the case. Everyone was so focused and motivated to become a successful doctor or surgeon they underwent the torture of endless sleepless nights, insane pressure and the feeling of not being able to even cut an onion correctly, which the professor didn't even care to make better. Every day she got told that she would never be able to work in the medical field and could try herself with some more basic and easy studies. It didn't matter how hard she tried to remember all the lectures and do her assignments – she failed miserably at everything.

Of course, her family didn't know. She was way too afraid to burst the bubble her parents created around her, leaving her in that perfect, white spotlight, portraying her like some sort of angel on a pedestal for everyone to see. They loved to talk about her in front of everyone, telling them that she'd be a successful surgeon, working hard and publishing groundbreaking articles, making herself a name in the medical community. Maybe even getting some famous award. Everyone in that small town knew about the smart daughter who got into one of the best medical universities in the United States, who worked so hard she was barely home.

She couldn't bear to see the disappointment on their faces once they see what she really was – a failure. She managed to hide her dropping out of university so well, she created her web of lies carefully over the last year, she sometimes even believed what she was saying. But as soon as her alarm clock went off, remembering her to go to work at a small corner café to pay her rent and even save some money in case her parents might throw her out, she had to face real life again. The life in which she dropped out only one year after starting, loosing hundreds of thousands of dollars and leaving the incident in her resume forever.

She was glad she got a job in the café as it belonged to the parents of one friend she met at college, who managed to get in because of a scholarship. They allowed her to work as much as she could to save money and even helped her sometimes.

“Excuse me, Miss?”, a soft and gentle voice made the girl leave her deep thoughts and look up. A beautiful, young flight attendant smiled down at her. “You need to leave the plane, please.”, she said in sweet yet demanding voice  and got her luggage out of the cabinet above for her. The girl didn't realise that the plane was already as good as empty. She thanked the attendant, grabbed her bag and went out of the plane into the airport, feeling her legs shaking more with each step she took.

She pulled out her smartphone, turning off flight mode only to get bombarded with dozens of messages, mostly from her mom asking if she already landed and that they waited for her at the gate. After that she only texted emojis. Hearts, heart-eyes and some other stuff which made her feel even more anxious. How could she disappoint a mother as proud as her? No, she needed to keep her secret for a bit longer. Maybe until her brother messed up. But what could he possibly mess up which would overshadow her dropping out of college? Maybe if he committed a crime.

Mark was different from her, She didn't know how but he actually managed to tell their parents that he doesn't want to become a doctor or lawyer, and instead insisted of becoming an author or journalist. To say her parents were unhappy would be an understatement. They were more than angry and told him to pay the tuition himself. They believed it was just a small teenage dream he had but when he finished High School and started working at the local bookstore to save some money to actually study creative writing they realized that he was serious. That small incident happened just 14 months ago, yet he continued to work there and save up. He even managed to visit her every couple of months, as she didn't want to come.

When she arrived at the luggage claim the suitcases were already out on the baggage belt and she waited as long as she could, watching her lonely suitcase making its turns on the device, purposely ignoring it until it was the only one left and she had to grab it. Her phone vibrated in her pocket again.

Mark [06.07pm]: Where r u?

She rolled her eyes and just put it back in the pocket of her jeans as she headed towards the exit. The girl took a deep breath, putting on the brightest smile she could manage and stepped out of the doors. Her family wasn't hard to notice. Her parents held a way too big and bright  banner in their hands

WELCOME HOME AVA

Ava tried to keep her smile up and waved at them. “Oh, honey welcome home!”, her mother shouted as she lowered the banner to hug her daughter tightly. “I'm so happy you're finally home again, our doctor!.”, she said and patted her back softly. She felt her dad joining the hug and giving her a warm smile as well, joining her mother in telling her how happy he was to have her back home. Ava clenched her jaw, trying to smile as honest as possible.

“You're really squishing me to death guys.”, Ava chuckled and was glad when her parents finally let go of her. She looked up and saw her brother Mark smiling at her.

“Come on, give your favourite sister a hug.”, the girl laughed, making her brother chuckle before embracing her in a loving hug as well. The last time she saw him he visited the campus a few months ago. Of course he didn't know she dropped out then and nearly choked on his water when she told him. She knew he wouldn't tell their parents but he thought it would be better if she told their parents as soon as possible, which she didn't of course.

“Happy to have you back.”, Mark said and squeezed his sister one more time before he let her go and took her suitcase.

Ava stretched her body slowly before getting into their car, really not wanting to sit down for another hour but apparently she had to. As soon as she sat down and put on her seat belt her mother turned around to look at her and smiled.

“Tell us, honey, how is Stanford? Is it going well, yes?”, she asked and Ava felt like she needed to throw up.

“Yeah, everything is fine. I handed in all assignments last week and I have a good feeling.”, she chuckled and felt guilt crawling all over her body. She smiled slightly and turned her eyes away to avoid her mother proud gaze, yet she could feel Mark eyeing her.

“Ah, that's so great, honey. Your father and I just talked to the Lee's from across the street and they told us their son wants to apply to Stanford, too. We told them you could talk to him and give some advice.”

“Sure.”, she just sighed and pulled out her phone again, hoping her mother would understand her silent plead to leave her be. Her mother smiled again and turned back to talk to her father about what she'd make for dinner on this special occasion.

Ava checked the other texts she got, scrolling through them. She smiled when she saw a text from her best friend, sending her a picture from her in her nurse uniform. She looked so cute, proudly standing in front of the mirror in the dressing room, posing with a finger heart.

[Ava 06.54pm] Cute! Just landed, on my way home. Wanna hang out later?

[Yunmi 06.57pm] Can't. Night shift today but pick me up tomorrow morning and get breakfast? The café next to the bookstore finally opened!

[Ava 07.00pm] absolutely! Can't wait. Miss you so much ♥

She scrolled through the remaining texts just to feel a little disappointment in her body after not seeing what she so desperately wanted to see. But then again, she didn't expect to see a text from him after he ignored each and everyone of hers the last two years. He didn't even care enough to wish her a happy birthday in November so he probably couldn't care less texting her when she came home.

She sighed lightly and looked outside the car window, seeing how the landscape came and go in front of her eyes and how the sky got all these beautiful colours in it, she could even see the moon already. A wave of tiredness crashed over her exhausted body as she decided to close her eyes for just  a moment.

The girl felt someone poking her arm multiple times, calling her name.

“Wake up, we're home.”, she heard Mark say and groaned, before rubbing her eyes.

“Yes, I'm awake, you can stop poking me.”, she said when her brother continued to poke her arm with a grin on his face.

“Don't make me hit you.”, she warned and slapped his hand away.

“Pff, please.” he answered mockingly and jumped out of the car before her fist could reached his body.

Ava chuckled , getting out of the car stretching her stiff body slowly, hearing all her joints crack at once.

“How old are you? 80?” Mark said teasingly, getting out her suitcase from the trunk.

“Trust me, I feel like it.”, she yawned loudly and slowly got up the stairs to their house.

She inhaled the sweet and calming scent of her mothers vanilla candles as soon as she set foot into the house, taking of her shoes before she walked further inside. It hasn't changed a bit. The beige coloured walls still had pictures of the family on them. Ava smiled and looked at the picture of her and her family from her Highschool graduation three years ago. She smiled when she saw the exact picture her parents had chosen. Mark and her making some weird pose while her parents rolled their eyes.

“Honey, dinner will be ready in half-an-hour, okay?” she didn't realize that her mother was standing right next to her and flinched a bit.

“Yeah, sure, thank you, mom. I'll start to unpack then. Love you.”, Ava said, kissing her mothers cheek softly before going up the stairs into her old room where Mark already put her suitcase and bag.

Her room hasn't changed either. Of course, it looked a bit colder as she took all her personal stuff with her to the US when she moved out, but it still felt comfy with it's cozy beige sofa and her queen sized bed, which her mother already prepared for her. She closed the door behind her and looked outside the big windows, which connected to a small balcony, which was only hers. She remembered how mad Mark was when she got the room with the balcony and not him and grinned. She stepped outside for a moment to breathe in the still warm air, listening to the rustling sound of the trees as a mild breeze blew through them.

The small wooden bench she made herself with her dad back when she was younger still stood in the very same corner and even had pillows on it and a blanket, indicating that someone still used it even while she was gone. Probably her mother when she wanted to have some time and space for herself, she thought and smiled before going back into her room.

She stretched her stiff body once again before squatting down and opening her black suitcase to unpack her things. Ava only brought some clothes and other necessities with her as she didn't believe of staying home for a longer period of time. She rented her tiny apartment, or as she preferred to call it, her shoebox to a friend from university who looked for her own place as long as she stayed with her parents so she didn't need to worry about paying rent. So she just packed her essentials and hoped to keep her pretty little lie for some more months to figure out what she actually wanted to do with her situation now. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to stay in Stanford . She just knew, she didn't want to stay here in this tiny town where everyone knows everyone.

She loved the size of New York, she loved the vibes, the people and even the stink it had. It was charming in some kind of way and she enjoyed the anonymity she had. She liked living in the famous city which never sleeps but it didn't feel like a complete home to her yet and maybe never would. Not to mention, that she was just working in a café which was barely enough to live so she needed to get something more permanent very soon. But she had no idea what that could be. Maybe she'd apply to another university, maybe she didn't want to go to college at all. But what were her options anyway?

Ava groaned, throwing a stack of clothes into her closet in frustration, before squatting down again to fold them neatly. She felt her phone vibrating in the pocket of her jeans and sighed when she saw the name of the person who messaged her blinking in front of her. She opened it and thought about her answer for several minutes before she decided to ignore it for the moment and maybe get back to it later, unsure about her wanting to meet the sender or not.

She furrowed her eyes as she looked at the clock hanging at one of her walls, showing that it was way later than she expected and her mother still hadn't called for dinner yet. She put the last of her belongings in the connected bathroom she shared with her brother and checked her phone to make sure she didn't receive a text from him telling her dinner is ready. Ava didn't realize how hungry she was until she thought about the dishes her mother was probably busy making and her mouth started to water. She really missed good Korean food. There were quite some Korean restaurants in New York but of course nothing tasted as good as her mother's home cooked meals.

Just as she wanted to open her door and check downstairs she heard her mother shout from the kitchen that dinner was finally ready. She opened her door and could already smell the kimchi and meat her mother apparently made and couldn't wait to finally taste it.

“Coming! I'm getting Mark”, Ava shouted back and wanted to knock on Marks door, telling him to come down but the boy who opened the door wasn't her brother.

“Oh, hey Ava. Haven't seen you in forever. How are you?”, Johnny asked, seemingly surprised but a small smile appeared on his pretty face.

He hasn't changed a tiny bit. He still looked as gorgeous as three years ago when she left and never heard of him again. His hair was still black but a tad longer than before. It framed the contours of his face just perfectly which made it hard for her to look away and think about how she was mad at him for ignoring her for the past years, even though the last thing she remembered with him was actually something very nice. Or that's at least what she thought it was. Apparently he thought differently and had to treat her like air. Not even daring to step a foot in their house when she came home for spring break once.

“Umm, fine. Are you staying for dinner?”, she asked, trying to sound as calm as possible but she couldn't hide a tint of anger in her voice, yet the anger mixed up with other feelings she was way too bad at hiding.

“Yeah, I invited him. He basically lives here anyway.”, she heard Mark say behind Johnny who didn't seem to sense her displeasure over his invitation. Why do they have to be best friends? She asked herself and secretly hoped for Johnny to disappear or something. But of course that wouldnÄt happen.

“Please, the food gets cold, come down.”, she heard her mother saying from the foot of the stairs with her hands stemmed in her hips, still wearing her red-dotted apron.

“Actually, I'm not hungry.”, Ava said taking a step away from Johnny as his simple presence made her legs feel stupidly weak.

Her statement got quite unbelievable when her stomach started to growl from the heavenly scent of her mother's food.

“Doesn't sound like it.”, Mark said and raised his brow looking at his sister questionably.

“I'm really not hungry and I'm meeting a friend. Can we postpone our family dinner to another time?”, she said while purposely emphasising the term family to show her displeasure about the clearly unwanted guest guest.

Before her mother could answer something Ava ran down the stairs, giving her mother another short kiss before running outside, leaving her house behind.

She took a deep breath before letting out some vulgar curses towards the situation and especially the person causing her to still feel all these things.

Ava pulled out her phone and messaged the only person she could think of, who might get her thoughts somewhere else, even if she might regret it in the morning.

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