#because my connective tissue is shit

[dapperenby13]

Why are mobility aids so fucking expensive. I just want to go to ikea with minimal pain and fatigue. Why does it cost so much to get a fucking mobility scooter so I can be comfortable.

[solradguy]

Mr. Rad Guy, I've wanted to get your opinion on something for a while now, and finally snagged what I was looking for on twitter. I normally don't pay any of those transphobic Bridget discourse peddlers any mind, but they bring up her appearence in the canon pachinko game Vastege as supposed "proof" that Strive's story direction for her is a contradictory retcon. This game's plot takes place just three months before Xrd's, and they claim that through her voicelines she is still insisting sternly that she's a man and not to call her cute, but also that she STILL hasn't broken her village's superstition at this point in time. This is the only image they ever have as so-called evidence, so I wanted to see if you know if these lines are legitimately in the game, scrapped content, or made up altogether. I don't trust these lunatics as far as I can throw them when it comes to telling the whole truth 🤨

This screenshot is from same manuscript of dialog that is in the lore server archives and in the GG VXT archive pack that I compiled and uploaded to Archive.org. As far as I know, these lines were all used in the game and no unused lines have been (or even could be) datamined. Two of the lines here are highlighted so I'm assuming they're the ones these dorks are using to try to prove their point. I've translated them.

First line:

I want to break the village's rule/law*, and return to the village as a young man.

*In the official localizations I think they might translate this as "tradition" or "superstition" instead of rule or law.

"Young man" in that line is 男の子 (otokonoko). Do not let anyone convince you Bridget is using the other otokonoko there (男の娘；"young man with a feminine aesthetic"). They like to do that a lot, argue that it's the one that uses 娘.

Second line:

Cute is uncalled for... I'm a man.

In conclusion: Yes. Bridget is using almost 1:1 recycled dialog in Vastedge that she used in XX and the spinoffs. The Twitter grifters' Google Translating was correct this time.

Vastedge's plot may take place only 3 months before Xrd, but Vastedge itself came out in 2013—8 entire years before Strive released in 2021. A lot can change in 3 months in real life, but after almost a decade most people are entirely different altogether (wrt Daisuke and his plot decisions). Also it's a friggin pachislot machine lmfao Like, are people really expecting something as earth shattering as a character as irrelevant to the general plot like Bridget suddenly stopping all of the action to explore her identity on a slot machine? I have no patience for these people anymore. They're just stupid and arguing because they have no hobbies.

There's also the fact that Daisuke originally planned for Bridget to be a cis girl until the very last minute. So if anything her coming out in Strive was just returning to the starting concept. He mentions this in the interview in the back of Artworks of Guilty Gear X 2000-2004. Translation by fairymisao.

(27)---The character Bridget, introduced in Guilty Gear XX, looks like a girl but is actually a boy, right? What was your intention in deciding on creating this kind of character? Ishiwatari: The creation of Bridget as a boy happened at the very last second; during development I was drawing him as purely a girl. It's just that when there is a need to give a worldly backbone (to the game), in order for me to try to not forget each character, and in order to revive the character, I give them my very heart. As a result, the creation of Bridget as actually a boy instead of a girl was because I thought he could become my alter ego. [...]

It's also important to note that Vastedge was the first thing ASW made for Guilty Gear after getting the full rights to the IP back from Sega after the Sega-Sammy merger in 2011 (which they had started to lose a bit before Overture's release in 2004). They were absolutely more focused on making something that would generate income and looked flashy than they were a compelling cinematic experience.

[theheartofmine]

i’m so glad i found a doctor who actually listens to me and has immediately helped me try and figure out what’s going on with me. i’m tired of feeling bad but i have avoided seeing doctors for years because i was so scared they wouldn’t listen to me or blame it on my anxiety or other mental health issues and it is just. so nice to be listened to.

[void-tiger]

Right. I need a nap. I’m feeling resentment about friends getting to do Cool Things again. And I’m old enough to know I’d feel less jealous about it with my leaky batteries recharged a bit.

(it’s not their fault I live far away, and have disabilities affecting getting to do Neat Things On My Own at least.)

[shanedoesdoodles]

why do my knees feel like the worn down joints of an old action figure

[my-hyucking-spoons]

[dbphantom]

bl3 h2o au is 167 pages condensed [no notes/plans, just pure writing without breaks- the actual document is about 260 pages tho]

ffxv h2o au just hit 145 pages condensed

SOON.

[dredshirtroberts]

oh *now* she wants me to see a doctor about my joints doing things joints don't normally do.

bit late ma.

[banishingsigils]

every squat day i am reminded how garbage my knees are, so here i am rotating a heating pad between them.

[vivwritesfics]

Really love your works!! Hoping I could ask for a Carlos Sainz smut to angst. You are Charles’s little sister (of age of course) and he catches you having sex with his teammate. He becomes angry, warns Carlos off, he does as he’s told as he doesn’t want to lose Charles friendship, Carlos tells you that you can’t see each other anymore but in a really harsh way, you are heartbroken and angry at both.

Lightest of light smut like not even really smut but you're still getting a warning

It was just fooling around. No feelings, nothing real between them. Just two attractive people finding a break from their loneliness within each other.

It wasn't that deep.

Except, Charles didn't see it that way. (Neither did Arthur or Lorenzo, but they weren't there to catch them in the act, so their distress doesn't count). He saw his little sister beneath his teammate and he saw red. And not just because they were in the Ferrari Garage.

"Cha!" She cried, legs still wrapped around Carlos's naked waist. "Holy shit, get out!"

Charles didn't need to be told twice. He backed out of the drivers room and pulled the door shut behind him. The heel of his hands pressed against his eyes. "What the fuck!" He shouted, voice only slightly muffled by his sleeves.

Unwrapping her legs from around Carlos, she looked at him. "Shit," she hissed as she climbed out from beneath him and grabbed her shirt from the floor. "Shit, fuck, shit."

Before she could run out of the room, Carlos grabbed her hand. She stopped and turned towards him, fingers reaching out to brush through his hair. Kissing his head, she stood straight and walked out of the room.

Charles was out there, his expression furious. She'd only seen him like this once before, when she and Arthur had hidden his phone and broken it. "Charles," she tried, but he shook his head.

"Don't," he said. Charles grabbed her arm and pulled her behind him. "Just go back to the fucking hotel."

"No, Cha," she began, but it was too late.

Charles pushed open the door to the drivers room and strode in. "Carlos!" He bellowed, ignoring as she grabbed his arm. "You're sleeping with my baby sister?"

Carlos let out a breath. He looked past him, looked at her. At the slight terror on her face. He steadied himself before he looked in Charles's eyes. "She's a grown woman," he said, and her face fell further.

Suddenly, Charles pushed him. "She's my little sister!" He shouted. "She's my sister and you took advantage of that!"

Carlos didn't react. He stood still, unwilling to fight his teammate. But she was grabbing her brother and trying to pull him away. "Charles, stop it!" She shouted. "Leave him alone!"

When Charles's fist connected with his face, Carlos fell back. "Shit," he hissed, holding his nose.

"Stay the fuck away from her," he spat and turned on his heel, marching out of the drivers room.

Leaving her with him.

Cautiously, she approached. Almost like he was a frightened animal. "Carlos?" She asked quietly, but he shook his head, still pinching his nose.

"He's right," Carlos said. She didn't mean to frown. "I took advantage of my teammates little sister."

A scoff left her lips. "No, you didn't."

His stare bore into her own. "Yes, I did."

"Carlos-"

"I did! I took advantage of you and I shouldn't have!" He insisted and wiped at the red dripping from his nose. "I should have broken this off months ago," he spat.

She sucked in a sharp breath. "You're being dramatic," she mumbled as she turned to grab a tissue. "Charles is going to calm down eventually."

And, suddenly, Carlos was standing up straight. He strode past her and pulled open the door to the drivers room. "I think you should leave," he said and gestured for her to do so.

"Carlos-"

"Go!" He shouted. "I don't want to be with you anymore! I don't want to fuck you! Hell, I don't even want to see you!" He screamed, spit flying into her face.

A sob left her lips, hand immediately coming to cover her mouth. "Okay," she said quietly, blinking back tears. "Have it your way."

[thebibliosphere]

Sometimes, talking about religious trauma with other people is really funny for me (not funny, haha, more funny 'I should probably talk about that more in therapy) because it feels like I'm playing with a stacked deck.

Like, Mothman will talk about growing up with Catholic Guilt™, and another friend will talk about the shit they encountered in a Baptist church, all awful, truly horrific, damaging stuff.

Then they'll ask, "What about you?" and I hesitate because it's like, well, my dad was raised by his strict patriarchal Irish Catholic grandfather and Austrian Jewish grandmother* because his Jehova Witness mother was deemed unfit, so like, he'll argue with God, but feel really bad about it while also feeling the need to tell everyone about it.

And then there's my mother, who was raised Calvinist but fell into Christian Science for a while before falling fully into New Age Occultism tinged with insane family lore** while still holding onto the purity of Calvinism and the faith healing of Christian Science, which led to my parents raising me as an indigo starseed child sent to earth by angels to absorb the pain of others as God intended and that's why I never got taken to the doctor because it wasn't my body that was in pain, it was my soul.

And it's like, I swear I'm not trying to one-up you, I SWEAR. My family tree is just a smorgasbord of poor life choices and questionable reasoning ability.

----

*Arguably, the only normal one in the entire family who did her best to keep a lid on everything. ** Apparently, there was some family curse on my mother's mother's side from pissing off a fairy that caused all kinds of health problems that no one looked into because it was "the curse." They're still somewhat mad at me for going to a doctor and getting diagnosed with a genetic connective tissue disorder. Though, arguably, what is a genetic disorder if not a familial curse?

[0xo]

i would like to remind everyone that most disabilities come with comorbidities. what this means is that, most of the time, someone who is disabled does not have just *one* condition that causes them pain or difficulty.

for example, i have crohn's, which is an autoimmune disease primarily affecting the bowels. i also have ehlers-danlos syndrome(eds), which is a connective tissue disorder. eds can make crohn's worse because eds can affect your intestinal lining. crohn's can make eds worse because crohn's can also affect joint inflammation, so loose joints become more inflamed than they otherwise would. both can severely affect fatigue levels.

these are just two things i deal with. there are other comorbidities and complications i deal with, like fibromyalgia, dysautonomia, nerve damage, and more; but eds and crohn's are the easiest to explain how they play off each other.

i don't think abled people realize that most disabled people deal with something like this. i see disabled people online being very open about their multiple diagnoses to raise awareness and understanding - and then i see abled people shitting on them because "there's no way you can have that many things wrong with you."

but this is the truth of the situation: being disabled is almost never a straightforward, one-and-done diagnosis thing. even if it starts as one diagnosis, many people discover or develop other problems as their health changes. or even develop other issues because of medications! the intravenous medication i took for crohn's causes arthritis in a significant number of patients, and is most likely responsible for just how severe my joint inflammation gets.

so if you're abled, and you've ever seen a long diagnosis list and thought maybe someone was exaggerating - please step back and rethink. this is a very common thing. i would dare to guess that more people are multi-diagnosis than single-diagnosis. you are not helping anyone by accusing someone of faking or exaggerating, you are just being ableist.

as a disabled person, it takes immense bravery to speak openly and publicly about how our lives are affected by our disabilities, and we do not deserve to be treated poorly for being honest about our realities. your lack of knowledge or willingness to learn should not become our additional pain.

[cas-kingdom]

The Night Shift

A/N: First NCIS fic! Decided to keep my OC's name instead of reader as I'm pretty attached to her.

If you're alone on V Day, here's some Gibbs. <3

Title: The Night Shift

Summary: What's worse than a sick Gibbs? A sick mini Gibbs.

Words: 2568

It was two am, and Emmie Gibbs was tired.

She wrinkled her nose as something tickled at it and sat up to reach for the packet of tissues sitting dutifully by the pillow.

It was two am, and Emmie Gibbs was sick and tired.

Tony, the shit-stirrer that he was, leaned precariously back in his swivel chair to stare at her. If it weren’t for the squeak of the chair itself, she still would have noticed his sudden attention by the feeling of his eyes boring into her for perhaps the tenth time since they’d set up camp in the NCIS building about five hours ago. He was relentless.

Emmie paused. Tissue wedged in her nose, sinuses burning, she looked up and stared at him. Tony rose an eyebrow. Emmie hardened her stare. Tony, because he was Tony, purposefully leaned further back so she could see the exact moment he dramatically cupped a hand to his stupid little mouth and—

“Giiibbs!”

Emmie’s jaw tensed. Tony grinned in superfluous victory.

Another squeak, a more familiar one this time, and Gibbs’s swivel chair glided along the carpeted floor around the divider between the cubicles until he could see Emmie. She was still sitting up, looking quite the sight with a tissue halfway up her right nostril and her hair sticking at all angles. On any other day she would have responded to Tony’s pure gall by glaring him straight into the ground. But today was not that day. Today was a bad day. Today, her week-long, just-about-bearable cold had decided to manifest into sinusitis, and she’d woken with a face that felt as though tiny little men were mining for gold in her skull. Ducky had liked that metaphor.

Partly because she was absolutely awful at caring for herself when she was ill, and partly—mostly—because he knew he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on work if she was left to fend for herself at home, Gibbs had dragged Emmie into the office with him. She’d made her rounds all day—curled up on Abby’s little couch at first, then bundled off to an empty room when Abby found working in silence too impossible. At lunchtime, a meeting had been scheduled in the room, and she’d been forced to accompany Gibbs and Tony in the car to a naval base connected to the case they were working on, sniffling and groaning in the back seat like a Victorian child on her death bed.

And here she was now, at two a bloody m, lying on an ungodly amount of blankets, wrapped in Gibbs’s jacket and Tony’s hoodie, on the floor, feeling like her body was readying to explode. Life couldn’t get worse.

Unless you were acquainted with Tony DiNozzo. In which case, life could, and most certainly would, get worse.

Gibbs dipped his head and rose an eyebrow at Emmie. Emmie couldn’t do much in her defence but sniff. Hard. A slight protest only she had the guts to attempt. It was when he pointed a finger at her and motioned with it for her to lie down again that Emmie tossed her arms up.

“Do you know—” Another sniff—“Do you even know how hard it is to lie down and feel your sinuses drain into your throat?” Her voice was so nasally she couldn’t sound stern, even if she put every ounce of effort into it.

Tony, naturally, did not try hard to cover his amusement at that. He snorted and crossed his arms over his chest, spinning from side to side absently in his chair with the tip of his tongue held between his smirking lips when Emmie turned narrowed eyes on him.

“I was getting a tissue, FYI,” she said to him and only him. “So, you can stop being a kiss ass, Anthony.”

“Emmie.” Gibbs disappeared behind the divider again. “Back to sleep.”

Tony, meanwhile, gaped. “Kiss ass who?”

Emmie ignored him and shuffled back down again. She shut her eyes and swallowed. Already the disgusting stuff had decided the place it wanted to be right now was her stomach, and was meandering slowly down her throat towards it.

“You were being a bit of a kiss ass,” she heard Gibbs agree.

“Oh, come on. You said you wanted her to sleep!”

“Yeah, and I do.”

“But you’re gonna call me a kiss ass when I tell you she’s not sleeping? Kiss my ass.”

“What was that?”

“Sorry, Boss.”

In all honesty, there was nothing more that Emmie wanted least right now than to sleep. True, she was exhausted, but the part of her brain not currently still enshrouded in said exhaustion wanted to be up and active again, helping Gibbs with the case like her internship allowed.

And yet, the man still believed she needed her head on a pillow.

The team had been working on a case all day, one she didn’t know the specifics of. It wasn’t exactly often that they stayed in the office well into the night to continue their current case, but it appeared Gibbs had a weird feeling about this one. From the snippets of conversation that she’d picked up and actually retained in her decrepit brain, a potential witness was lying unconscious in a hospital bed somewhere, and Gibbs wanted to speak to him the moment he woke up, which, according to the doctors, could be at any time. That apparently required the entire team to stay behind which, considering the fact Emmie was currently holed up on the floor of Ziva’s empty cubicle, not everyone had complied with.

The moment Tony got out of his chair to help Gibbs with something and disappeared from her line of sight, Emmie eased herself into a sitting position once more. She reached for the tissues again, rubbing at her leaking nose with the sleeve of Gibbs’s jacket and not possessing the brain power to regret that decision. She blew into a tissue, paused to catch her breath, then—

“Gibbs.”

Emmie deflated completely. Wow. The world truly hated her today.

She looked up to see McGee walking in with a bag of takeout. He barely glanced at her as he passed, choosing to instead spend that energy alerting Gibbs to the fact she was, again, not lying down.

Before either Tony or Gibbs could come into view once more, Emmie sighed, stuck two bits of tissue in both nostrils, and scooted backwards to sit against the wall.

“Can’t breathe lying down,” she said before anyone could say a single word. “And I’m tired of being tired. I don’t want to sleep anymore. Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me. Shush.”

Tony’s head appeared around the corner, and he snorted again. Then the squeak of Gibbs’s chair as he got up. A rustling. A moment later he appeared with a takeout box in his hand, walking towards her. He lifted it so she could see, and she groaned, shaking her head. A corner of Gibbs’s mouth lifted but he wasn’t about to back down on this fight. He never did.

He knelt in front of her, close enough to see the pallidness of her face and the slight sickly tremble of her small frame. Emmie visibly relaxed when he reached out a hand to press against her forehead, the coolness of his skin momentarily dowsing the heat of hers.

Gibbs checked the watch at his wrist. “Another couple hours and you can dose up again.”

“Thanks.”

“Yep. ‘Till then…” He went to withdraw his hand, but Emmie’s own hand shot up and pinned his to her forehead.

“No,” she said simply.

“No to my hand leaving, or food?”

“No.”

“You gotta eat. You know the drill. Eat or sleep.” She grumbled something and Gibbs reached with his free hand to lift the lid on the box. The smell of warm chicken soup filled the space between them, and Emmie wrinkled her nose. “Come on, kiddo. It’s only soup.”

“I feel too sick to eat.”

“Sleep it is, then.”

“Dad—”

“Hey. The cure for alll Emmie-related illness is sleep. Always has been, always will be.” It was true. Gibbs knew his daughter better than she knew herself, after all. Everyone was different, but Emmie’s medicine was sleep until she could look him in the eye and confidently tell him she felt a bit better. If years of being a single parent had taught him anything, it was that.

With a bit of reluctance, he pulled his hand from her head and leant forward on his toes. “You don’t have to lie down to sleep,” he told her. “Here—” Emmie wasn’t quite sure what he was doing with the pillows and blankets behind her, but when he sat back and she turned as much as her aching neck would allow, there was a nice little DIY upright-bed against the wall. Gibbs, seemingly proud of his work, was met with a look of absolute discontent on his daughter’s face.

He puffed his cheeks out and glanced at the soup. “Aeroplane?”

“Seriously?” Emmie deadpanned.

He reached for the spoon, a teasing smile pulling at his lips. “Worked when you were a kid.”

“There’re a few keywords in that sentence, Dad. Are you trying to give Tony more fuel to embarrass me?”

Gibbs glanced over his shoulder. Tony had returned to his desk, leaning dangerously back in his chair to gain the best vantage point. The man had absolutely zero shame.

Gibbs jerked his head. “Check with the hospital about Lupin, would you, DiNozzo?”

Tony visibly deflated. Emmie sent him a smug look and he stuck his tongue out. Reluctantly, he wheeled back to his desk and picked up the phone. “Do this, DiNozzo, do that, DiNozzo,” he grumbled to himself. “Oh, while you’re at it, why don’t you polish my boots and write a thesis on my intellectual prowess, DiNozzo? Sure, I’ll get right on it, Boss!” He dialled the number and put the phone to his ear. “Should I get your laundry and your coffee too, Boss? Should I do—hi, there! Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS, calling for an update on a patient? Ryan Lupin. Yeah, I’ll hold. Thanks.”

“Dad.” Such an exasperated voice could only belong to the resident invalid, and after only a second’s hesitation, Tony—slowly—wheeled himself back, as far as the cord to the phone still held against his ear would allow. Emmie and Gibbs were still on the floor, the former looking most disgruntled at the spoon in the latter’s hand.

“I’m being serious,” she said then.

“So am I,” Gibbs said, “very serious. I’m being very serious right now. Soup?”

Emmie rolled her eyes, but a smile was pulling at her lips all the same. She shook her head. “Go back to your desk, old man.”

Tony’s brows shot up and he grinned. “Oohoohoo!” He was close to rubbing his hands together in sheer glee. “You gonna let her get away with that, Boss?”

“Lupin, DiNozzo.”

“I’m on hold!” The fact that Gibbs made no sign that he was going to pick his daughter up on her insult, when Tony knew that if he’d been the one to call his boss elderly he’d be getting a bit more than a slap to the back of the head, hit a sore spot. “Wait,” he said, looking hilariously appalled, “you’re actually gonna let her get away with it?”

Gibbs, defeated in this part only, dropped the spoon back in the box and put it on the desk. “I’ve been called worse,” he called back, “believe me.”

“Grandpa,” Emmie said.

“Thank you, Em, that’s very helpful.”

“Ninnyhammer, pillock, douche canoe, old man—”

“You already said that one.” Gibbs chuckled. “Douche canoe?”

Emmie shrugged. “Dunderhead.”

“Alright.”

“Ugly…nut.”

“Jemima.”

McGee, who’d since been silently working and eating at his desk, paused. Mouth open, forkful of noodles on its way, he turned confused eyes to the ground.

“Her name’s Jemima?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “How long you been here McGee?”

As soon as Emmie looked the slightest bit like she was about to resume her name-calling, Gibbs put his palm over her mouth. He rose a brow in warning. She blinked. Blinked again. Then—

“Aw, come on!” Gibbs’s face contorted into one of absolute disgust as a rush of air and wet stuff flew at his hand. He withdrew it immediately, holding it away from him, while Emmie sniffed and nonchalantly used the jacket sleeve again.

“You little crapbag.” It was the best he could come up with.

“What? You think I plan my sneezes?”

Tony, up until now quite enjoying the performance, rolled quickly back to the desk with the phone at his ear. “Hi, yeah, I’m still here.”

Gibbs stood and walked briskly to his desk so he could grab the stack of napkins the takeout had come with. “I don’t doubt anything when it comes to you.”

“Thank you.” Emmie rubbed at her red eyes with her hand and slumped against the back of the wall. Gibbs, coating his hands with sanitizer, watched with a knowing eye. He shook his hands and walked back around to Ziva’s cubicle, perching on the desk to look down at her.

“You’re sick,” he said.

“I know. And?”

“And, sick people eat soup, and they sleep. Okay? They don’t stay up at all hours of the night—nooo, no, no. I’m talking now, kiddo. I know you’ve been sleeping all day, I know you wanna get up and back to work, but that’s not happening until your fever’s gone. No point in fighting that, and you know full well. Clear?”

Any other day. Any. Other. Day. The protests were practically clawing at her throat. But a sudden wave of nausea rushed over her and she backed down immediately. Still, the thought of lying down again was awful, and the tired eyes she turned on her dad somehow translated that.

Gibbs sighed. “What’s it gonna take, huh?” Emmie didn’t need to think about her answer to that. She wasn’t even sure her expression had changed at all when Gibbs shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “No,” he said, “come on, now. I gotta work.”

This time, she did change her expression, putting it on in the way she knew worked best. Gibbs, naturally, relented.

“Fine,” he said, motioning with his hands for her to move over. She did, though admittedly it was a bit of a pitiful move with her aching body. He breathed a short laugh but came to sit in the miniscule space she’d made beside her anyway.

“Thanks, douche canoe,” Emmie whispered.

Tony put the phone down. “Still knocked out, Boss,” he said, pushing his chair backwards. When he saw Gibbs on the floor, arm wrapped around his daughter, who had her head on his shoulder, he crossed his arms over his chest and positively pouted.

“Hey, why do you get to sleep?”

Gibbs chuckled and shut his eyes. “When you’ve got a sick kid, I’ll let you sleep on the office floor with her. Wake me before Lupin does, would you?”

“How am I—Boss? Boss?” Tony threw his arms up in the air and shook his head, grabbing a notebook from his desk to doodle in. “Kiss my ass.”

“Heard that.”

“I wanted you to.”

Well, one thing was for certain. Gibbs may have won this fight, but so had Emmie.

NCIS Masterpost

[lycandrophile]

some thoughts about top surgery recovery, as of 3 days post-op:

when they say using your chest muscles sucks afterward, i never realized exactly how much was going to be be limited. coughing, sneezing, hiccuping, laughing — all of it is terrifying right now. even talking for too long starts to put that kind of stress on my chest, and my voice isn’t as strong as it usually is. it takes me forever to fully empty my bladder when i’m on the toilet because i’m totally relying on gravity to do all the work (and shitting was effectively impossible without a stool softener even though i haven’t taken the pain meds they said i would need them for)…and don’t even get me started on figuring out how to wipe (hint: back to front while sitting, using my dominant hand to push my non-dominant hand far back enough). using the computer is also harder — i was planning on playing lots of baldur’s gate after, but for the first couple days i could only really go for a few minutes before using my arms that way got too tiring. having a mastectomy pillow has been an absolute godsend when i’m using my phone because i can prop my arms up on it and not really have to use any muscles at all to hold them up.

the biggest piece of not being able to use my chest muscles right now, which i’m writing separately because it’s been such a huge thing for me, is that i cannot sit up or back by myself at fucking all. like, if i sit on the couch and lean back a bit to sit against the cushion, it hurts to pull myself back up to fully straight — and if i’m leaning back any more than that, i just can’t do it at all and i’m stuck there unless my boyfriend puts their hands behind me and pushes my dead weight back up. i totally get why some people sleep in a recliner now because i’m completely at the mercy of having someone there to help move me around once i’m at any sort of angle. sitting back is mostly the same as far as what i can do, and arguably hurts worse to attempt at all, but my ability to do it seems to be coming back faster than my ability to sit up. if you’ve never had your mobility limited to that extent before, prepare yourself: the first time you’re stuck somewhere and the person who normally helps you doesn’t answer immediately can be really fucking scary (i learned that the hard way).

the anesthesiologist warned me that i might have a sore throat after surgery from being intubated, but i was not prepared for what “sore throat” ended up meaning for me. you know that feeling of swallowing something that’s too big and you can still feel it in your throat even after it’s down? it’s like that times 20, and further down in my throat. the worst pain i’ve felt in the last three days wasn’t from the surgery itself, it was from trying to swallow pancakes when my throat was at it’s worst. today is the first day it’s even started to fade, and even now, it hurts just to swallow my own spit. i don’t know about you, but that’s not what comes to mind when someone tells me “you might have a sore throat”.

on that note, the incisions themselves have really been the least painful part in general, probably because the nerves there aren’t reconnected yet. the vast majority of my pain and discomfort at this point has been from the drains and bandages — the drain sites getting sore or just randomly starting to sting, waking up feeling suffocated by the ace bandages, etc. it’s not because anything is wrong with them — the drains weren’t placed wrong and the bandages aren’t too tight, they’re just a huge pain in the ass to deal with 24/7. i can’t express how much i’m looking forward to getting the drains out and being able to take binder breaks because it’ll make things so much more comfortable.

my incisions are connected in the middle because my chest tissue was all really close together, and the part where the incisions connect is really the only part where i’ve felt any pain so far. i suspect it’s because the swelling on either side is making that part of the incision push together and press against itself, and then the binder pushes on it even more. it’s not a severe pain at all, but i do sometimes lift the center of the bandage off my chest for a second to give that spot a bit of a break.

i’ve already started getting some of the weird sensations associated with nerves reconnecting, and it definitely is wild. so far, it’s been mostly tingly feelings, sometimes like chills and sometimes more like a limb falling asleep. (weird observation: taking a shit makes my ribs tingle? i’ve got no good explanation for that one.) i’ve gotten a zap on one side and some buzzing feelings too. it’s pretty mild right now, probably because it’s so early on.

i’ve also gotten what i would describe as phantom boob feelings, especially on the first night. specifically, when i close my eyes, sometimes i’ll feel like someone is touching or jiggling the boobs i don’t have anymore. definitely not a super pleasant experience, but i think being out of it from the anesthesia still really helped me not be too upset by the worst of it. i’ve gotten a couple little phantom nipple touches too, but those were just split second blips of sensation that were far less bothersome in comparison.

i never realized that the classic post-op hunch is caused more by the binder than by the body itself, but we had to take all of my bandages off the night after my surgery to send pictures of something to my surgeon, and i was shocked by how much straighter i could sit with everything off. i was definitely still hunched, but it was more like a natural slouch and less like i looked like i was using an invisible walker. with the binder on, it’s super uncomfortable for me to try to stand straight at all because it feels like the ace bandage doesn’t come with my body and just drags everything down, and i’m always holding my mastectomy pillow or my hands to my chest while i walk around to stop it from feeling like gravity is going make the bandage tear my chest open.

every so often, when things are getting especially painful or uncomfortable or just generally difficult, i do start to wonder if i made the right choice. not because i regret getting rid of those things — not by a long shot — but because it’s a fucking hard process to go through. this is probably the hardest thing for me to admit, but the rational part of my mind knows it’s natural to feel that way once in a while. all of this is temporary and the relief from dysphoria will be permanent, but right now? this is my entire world and it doesn’t feel particularly temporary and i do have moments of “why do i have to go through all this when other people get to just have the right body from the start? why couldn’t i just live with what i had? why can’t i just be living my normal life right now?” no matter how sure you are of your choice, no matter how proud you are of being trans, this shit is hard and it’s okay to feel that.

i’m going to put the pictures of my chest one day post-op under the cut, because i think it’s pretty rare to see pictures from that soon after the surgery. they’re not gorey at all — the actual incisions are totally covered by steri strips and everything around them is clean — but still, if you don’t want to see relatively fresh surgery results, don’t look under the cut.

for all the discomfort and pain and limitations and other weirdness of recovery, every time i look at these pictures it reminds me of exactly why i’m doing all of this, and i’m so glad i kept fighting for this for so long. some people might never understand why someone would choose to go through this whole process, but i know it’ll be worth it in the end.

here’s my chest one day post-op! i think it looks super good and my surgeon said it looks like it’s healing perfectly (as much as it can be healing at one day). for reference, my chest was a DDD/F before surgery. i know this isn’t how my chest will look in the end, but i’m already thrilled with how things are turning out! i’ve truly never been more confident in my choice of surgeon — like, come on! look at that! she did so good!

[randygrim]

Was thinking abt how stretchmarks would work for worker drones, so here is a compilation of my thoughts

Also i figured out the circut stretchmarks below :3

What if the robotic tissue stuff is lined with circutry thats flexible, so when you get visible stretchmarks its because the outter rubber is stretched thin so you can see the circuts underneath

These circuts act as the nervous system and circulatory system.

The gpu would be in the head acting as eyes and visual cortex, the psu in the chest acting as a heart, the motherboard running down the back acting as a spine, multiple coolers throughout the body acting as sweat glands.

Most of the items i just listed are stored in the areas of the body we expect (mostly the torso) but i think that the brain analogues, cpu, storage, and ram, would also be stored in the torso. These cant be places in the limbs or head because we see the extremities being replaced without any issue.

Also cuz we see nori runnung around in her core willy nilly, im thinking that the psu, cpu, ram, and partial storage are all placed in the core.

Not all the storage cuz noris memory was partially fucked with after the collapse, while her core was intact. So some storage since core nori has at the very least a short term memory, but the main storage is in the torso outside the core since her long term memory got fucked.

Ummm thanks for reading my rambles! I think im done talking abt those specifics.

I mainly made this cuz im fat and have a connective tissue disorder, so i have LOTS of stretchmarks. And i wanted to see if i could figure out how to make them robot >:3.

Also i like thinking abt shit too much.

Also also, so much fuckin credit to @melissa-titanium for doing the V drawing. Its very very VERY awesome and was the reason i started thinkin abt this shit in the first place

[m0chac0ffee]

(VERY Domestic) SCENARIOS WITH S. RILEY

Allergies.

"Simonnn....."

...

"Simooonnnn....."

"What?"

Simon walked into your room.

"I can't breathe properly.."

"You congested?"

"Yes..."

"Loser."

"Die slowly, Si."

Simon eventually brought you tea to help soothen your sinuses, tissues, snacks, and medicine to lessen your symptoms.

————————————————————————

I Love You.

"Hey, love?"

"What's up, Si?"

"I love you."

...

...

"Why are you crying?"

"Just... really happy. I love you too. So much."

————————————————————————

Music Taste.

"The hell is this shit?"

"My playlist, obviously."

"It's ass."

"Oh yeah? Think your music is better?"

"Absolutely."

"Whatever."

You smiled softly as you stared at your boyfriend who, despite his complaints, kept his connected earbud in his ear.

————————————————————————

Snoring.

"You snore."

"You're lying."

"Am not."

"Proof or it's not true."

"Alright, just wait til tonight then."

Simon ended up falling asleep before you and you indeed caught a recording of him snoring loudly.

————————————————————————

Ouch.

"OW! FUCK!"

Simon came rushing into your bedroom.

"Love? What happened?"

You were gripping your foot as you sat on the ground.

"Stubbed my toe."

...

"Screamed bloody murder just because you hit your toe."

"It hurt!"

"Didn't require a banshee screech though."

You flipped him off as he chuckled and bent down to kiss your forehead.

————————————————————————