#because it’s starting to become really detrimental to my mental health

[zackmartin]

[creekfiend]

I wanted to make a bonsai kitten recovery post that outlines some of the stuff that I've been doing. Because I don't think that you need to ✨see a therapist✨ to start dealing with a lot of this stuff and I get really frustrated when that is the answer that everyone is constantly giving. Firstly a disclaimer, because I know what website I am on: this is a guide for things that have worked for me! I am not everyone and if there are things on here that do not work for you or even that you think are stupid, that is fine, but please do not make it my problem. If you are reading it and you're like "that sounds like it would actually be detrimental to my specific mental health because of my specific issues" then please disregard it. Use your critical thinking skills and do what you think is right for you!

My second disclaimer is that I didn't make any of this up myself; most of these are collected from various places either in therapeutic guide books or various websites about emotional regulation etc. Some of it is stuff that I have extrapolated from those places based on experience with what works for me or does not work for me. A lot of the way that I treat myself when I need to get my body and brain into a place where I can think about stuff productively is actually directly from gentle parenting guides, because frankly cptsd recovery stuff is very often like parenting a toddler. And the toddler is you. ALL THAT SAID,

The first skill that I had to get good at, that many of the other skills depend on, is to learn how to understand when I am Reacting to something. If I am Reacting it is extremely likely that that's going to only escalate the situation and make it much worse. I HAVE to be able to tell if I am Reacting emotionally to something in a way that is coming from a place of fear and panic. This is important because it involves not being prescriptive about your emotions. You could be Reacting to something that you do not logically feel is at all justified in making you feel that way and that doesn't matter! You can't be doing math equations to try to come to the answer of how you SHOULD be feeling; you have to be observing your mind and body to see how you factually ARE feeling and then respond to THAT. This can be really hard to learn how to do especially if you were abused as a child. (If you cannot think of yourself as someone who is abused as a child perhaps it would help to think of yourself as someone who simply was not taught various emotional regulation skills for mysterious reasons that have nothing to do with your parents' inadequacies.) I need to be able to glance inward and see what the physiological reaction that I'm having is and identify whether or not I feel like this is the biggest emergency in the world that needs to be addressed right now immediately! That is a sure sign that Mr Fight and Mr Flight are in the building and it is bad to make declarative statements or important decisions when that is the case. So, I have to work on dismissing them first. That is literally the first step to any of this. One of my friends calls this "fire mittens," which is to say, if you are wearing mittens that are on fire and you try to touch stuff, the stuff will also become on fire. You have to put the fire out first before you can touch other things.

Once I have determined that I am indeed Reacting and in a physiological state of fear, I have a document in my notes app that is a "what to do when you are in fight or flight mode" guide and it has several helpful things that I will try to outline here.

Firstly, the really important thing for me for trying to get back into an emotional state where I'm capable of making decisions and being thoughtful is to feel safe and comfortable. So I actually have some stuff in my document that is straight up just like "go in the blankie nest. put on this specific music album. light this specific scented candle." etc. You might want to have a specific food or drink that is comforting to you or some other sort of stim toy that helps you regulate. If there's any calming medication or supplements for anxiety that you take as needed, now is also the time to do that. Physical sensory grounding is really important for this. This is probably especially true if, like me, you are neurodivergent, but I think it is also true for everyone because we are animals! And you can't just think about it, you have to actually do it. Which sounds obvious but is the thing that has often tripped me up in the past. Once you start getting into the habit of actually physically doing this it DOES become easier though.

One of my rules is that if I want to respond to something but I am in fight or flight mode, I don't get to respond to it for at least 24 hours. I'm only allowed to respond once I've gotten myself out of fear mode. If it is some kind of comment on Facebook that has set me off, often this means that 24 hours later I realize that I actually don't want to get into it to begin with, which is great. If it's something that is pretty serious and interpersonal with a friend, sometimes that means I have to communicate to them that I'm going to take a while to process it and then get back to them. IMPORTANT: You CANNOT do this passive aggressively or else it undermines the whole thing. You can't phrase it in a way that will make your friends think that you are guilt tripping them for "making" you feel a way. It is VERY tempting to do this when you are in the first stages of trying to form this habit and you simply need to resist the urge because it will render this step worthless. I know. It sucks.

If I am feeling fearful and insecure about friends or loved ones, I also usually try to spend some time thinking about the people that I love and care about. Because often this stuff manifest for me as insecurity that the people that I care about do not care about me, or that they think that I'm being annoying, or that they are secretly thinking mean things about me. It's obviously not good for me to constantly be imagining that the people in my life who I care about are actually avatars of my own insecurity who are here to tell me that I'm secretly fundamentally unlovable! But crucially also it's ALSO not fair to those people to imagine them as that. They are not that guy, they are their own complex human beings with their own lives and experiences and interiority. So sometimes I do thought exercises where I will imagine my friends or loved ones doing things in their everyday lives and I will think about them as people and I will think about the things that they like to do and the things that they say and the places that they go, and I will try to imagine them fondly in those circumstances. This helps to remind me that they are just people and that the scary puppet wearing their faces is not real. To this end I sometimes will have a document of screenshots of things that they have said to me that I can use to reality check myself. I personally find reality checks to be essential for a lot of this. Things can feel true when they are not true at all. Things can feel wrong when they are actually true. The point of most of these exercises is to gently remind myself that those feelings are normal for me to be having, but that I do not need to let them dictate my responses.

It is crucial throughout all of this that you are nice to yourself. You can't talk to yourself in a mean way while you're doing this, or you will not get to a point where you are feeling safe enough to react from a place of not-fear. You can't make yourself feel ashamed or defensive for your emotional reactions. This is the particular area where I find gentle parenting protocols helpful. You HAVE to be patient with yourself.

Ok that's all for now bc I ran out of steam but I will try to think of more to add on another day maybe. Godspeed everyone

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey! Sorry if this is weird or something you have answered before.

I’m a teenage girl, and I tend masterbate at least once a day, but I had accidentally fallen down a rabbit hole of porn addiction and that kinda stuff.

Now I’m really worried that my frequency in which I masterbate is bad for me. I haven’t felt and adverse affects in my personal life (still hanging with friends, still getting good grades etc) and masterbation has actually seem to have a positive effect on my mental health (the first time I used me rose toy the mental fog that had been covering my brain first months cleared lol)

Still, is this a dopamine hit that’s bad like doom scrolling? Or am I freaking out over nothing

Thanks

hi anon,

I'm really glad you took the time to send this ask in! I've noticed a lot of folks younger than me are VERY worried about porn addiction or otherwise being too sexual lately, and I'm very happy to be able to help alleviate those fears.

I would recommend starting with the answers to both of these previous asks, which I hope will provide some comfort. if nothing else, please read this concluding paragraph from the latter:

is it possible to become overly reliant on sexual stimulation as a form of self-soothing? sure, of course. it’s possible to become overly reliant on anything; absolutely any positive behavior can become detrimental if it’s performed to extremity. again, read that ask I linked! but pivoting from a breakdown to jacking off isn’t a bad idea. it can help you calm down, can be a great transition into a nap or sleep, and pops off a little burst of dopamine and oxytocin that’s probably very badly needed if you’re on the verge of a breakdown. of course it’s ideal to have other healthy outlets for when you’re feeling bad - making art or doing something else with your hands, doing some enjoyable physical activity, talking with friends or family, keeping a journal - but as one part of a larger diet of support and coping mechanism, horny behavior is great, normal, and very healthy.

masturbating regularly, even once a day, is completely fine. it doesn't sound as if it's disrupting anything of importance in your life, which says to me that it's a nonissue, and it's a nice little treat for you. and if masturbating daily is wrong, then rest assured that you and I will be in horny jail together 🫡

it always bums me out when I see people, especially teenagers, voicing suspicion about sexuality specifically because of the feel-good reactions that sexual pleasure can trigger in your brain. you can get the same feeling by taking a walk, petting your cat, spending time with a friend, or getting a tattoo, but none of those are treated with the same kind of suspicion. it speaks to a deep fear and distrust of sexuality, which is completely normal and natural, that I fear will not serve anyone well in the long run, so it's a pleasure to help unravel that a little. I hope this has been helpful to read!

[pikatrainer99]

Kieran is autistic and you can't change my mind!

Okay, I KNOW that I'm not the only one who holds this headcanon...but I wanted to do an analysis on Kieran anyway, especially since my best friend @sinnohanvulpix said she'd love to see me do one. Credit to her for all the screenshots used btw. The GIFs on the other hand were either found on Google Images or created by me using gifrun.com and these YouTube videos:

I did not use my own footage for this at all...as proof here's what MY character in the game looks like...he has my real name but I tried to make him look like Orange which is why he has the orange eyes 😅

(Sorry for the bad quality btw...taking pictures of my Switch screen is hard 😅)

Okay, now without further ado, let's get started with the analysis!

First, Kieran has a CLEAR special interest in Ogerpon, he admires and looks up to her, he was obsessed with the story of the ogre, he was always trying to go to her den and meet her, he has a meltdown when Ogerpon chooses the player over him, etc. Carmine even says that Kieran "really really REALLY likes the ogre" and that made me think, "Ah! Special interest!"

And then at the end of the Teal Mask he gains a new special interest in getting stronger to beat the player...and he hyperfocuses HARD on that...to the point of it being detrimental to both his physical and mental health, as he was doing nothing but training during that time...he barely ate, barely slept, just trained...and that is not healthy. It's a rare example of media showcasing a special interest being unhealthy and absolutely CONSUMING one's life, and the consequences do actually show for it.

Kieran is very introverted and doesn't know how to make friends very well. I actually think the player is his first friend considering his surprised reaction when the player says they consider him a friend, and following this, he quickly becomes a bit...too attached to the player, as he doesn't quite understand how friendships work.

(This is also such a neurodivergent way to say "I'm so happy I finally have a friend")

He also struggles socially, as is a requirement for autistic people to qualify for a diagnosis. Kieran specifically has a hard time reading social cues, he struggles with making eye contact, he has clear anxiety when talking to people as proven by his little stutter he has at times.

(This is an adorable screenshot 🥺)

He also struggles with social and emotional processing (and might have alexithymia as well due to his sudden huge outbursts of emotion), and he also struggles with initiating conversation as well, as seen when he tries to talk to Penny at the League Club. They both have no idea how to even start a conversation with each other and it's honestly pretty adorable seeing the two quiet adorkable kids trying their best to hold conversation. I get it, you two, initiating conversation is really difficult for me too.

Also the way they try to start the conversation by talking about the weather...that's really funny and ironic to me because that's what NTs do all the time. NTs always use the weather as a small-talk conversation starter but NDs like me (and Kieran and Penny too apparently) just don't get that stuff.

(These two are so neurodivergent it's great and I love them both 🥺)

Kieran also has four in-game animations that I personally see as stimming. The first one is him tapping his fist against his hip when he's thinking or nervous.

(Focus your attention to his hand here and you'll see it.)

The second one is him playing with a strand of loose hair, usually when he's nervous.

(The little nervous side glance at the player is relatable and adorable 🥺)

The third one is a more agitated stim that he only does ONCE in the entire game...and that is tapping the front of his foot on the ground. I do that myself when I'm agitated or impatient, somehow it's comforting, especially since for some reason I really like the way my shoes sound when I tap them on the ground... especially since I got my brand new Infernape-themed shoes, they sound extra satisfying because they're brand new.

(This is not the way most people tap their foot...I've never seen an NT do it like this...only other NDs such as myself and one of my brothers)

The fourth and final one is, unfortunately, a stress stim...Kieran runs his hands very fast through his hair and it also looks like, to me anyway as someone who has self-injurious stims myself, that he is digging his nails into his scalp as well while doing that. I do something similar myself, though on top of running my hands through my hair and digging my nails into my scalp, I also pull at my hair...yeah... self-injurious stims are no joke...and I'm kinda glad Kieran's autism coding brings attention to that aspect of autism...at least in my eyes as someone who does those things myself.

(He's in so much stress here, poor kid 😔)

Another aspect of autism that I'm surprised and kinda glad that Kieran exhibits as an autistic-coded character is meltdowns and shutdowns. Kieran has actual meltdowns in the game! This is something we have never seen in such an in-your-face way in any Pokémon game, and as someone who regularly has meltdowns myself, it hit me in the feels whenever I saw him having them. His first meltdown is in the Teal Mask when he steals the Teal Mask and runs off to Loyalty Plaza where he battles the player. He yells at Carmine and the player for treating him like an outcast...which is unfortunately something that happens to a lot of autistic people, myself included. Kieran screams at the player and Carmine for for lying to him while doing his stress stim, before running up to the Lousy Three's shrine and punching it, without any regard for his safety, which is also something autistic people may do during meltdowns...I know I have no regard for my safety during mine. After that's all over he gives the mask back to the player and goes home, leaving the player to talk to Carmine alone, who says that she's worried and thinks it's just "teen angst". When I saw that I was like, "...Uh, Carmine...I don't think it's just that, I think your brother is neurodivergent and really needs a lot of help and support because he's struggling a lot right now..."

His second meltdown is also in the Teal Mask, when he wants Ogerpon to go with him but Ogerpon wants to go with the player...Kieran can't process that and doesn't understand how to take Ogerpon's feelings into account, instead demanding the player to battle him for the right to be Ogerpon's partner. He collapses on all fours after being defeated again, and it gets worse...he looks like he's crying while the player battles Ogerpon in order to catch her. After the player catches her, Kieran wonders why he can't be like the player, and runs off crying, locking himself in his room for the rest of the story. The end of the Teal Mask has him doing his stress stim while being consumed by a new special interest in a very detrimental way...that interest being becoming so strong that no one can defeat him...including the player.

Kieran's third meltdown is in the Indigo Disk, after the player defeats him in the championship match. That meltdown is a full-on cutscene, where it is CLEAR to see his spiraling mental state through the visuals, and he holds his hands on his head like he has a headache while trying to process the fact that he lost to the player AGAIN (which is also relatable as someone who struggles with processing difficulties myself...it really does give headaches and it is one of the worst feelings when I just can't process what's going on around me or the emotions I feel or anything really)...he collapses to his knees and looks like he's breathing very hard as he is so upset and distressed at this loss. It is definitely one of the most heartbreaking scenes for me because this is a CLEAR CUT MELTDOWN in my eyes and it hits me in the feels like a TRUCK to watch that cutscene.

Also, in the Terapagos fight, Kieran has a bit of a shutdown for a bit, standing there frozen, thinking he's useless and can't do anything right (which is relatable as I have regular shutdowns as well, and I also constantly feel like I'm a failure of a human being who can't do anything right)...but let me tell you, when the player finally gets him to snap out of it and convinces him to help and he opens his eyes revealing that the light is back in his eyes as well as visible tears...I cheered (and teared up myself). My boy was back, and I was so happy.

(When I first saw the tears I was like, "NOOOO don't cry Kieran! 😢)

Also in the Indigo Disk, Kieran seems completely different and "no longer like his usual self". His autistic traits are (mostly) nowhere to be seen as he becomes much more serious, angry, assertive,and aggressive. I personally see this as a persona he puts on by masking, which is common for autistic people to do. I myself can't mask, but Kieran definitely seems to be masking here by putting on this persona in order to get stronger and seem stronger as a person as well. This is NOT his real self, this is a FACADE!

We see him start to drop the mask again in Area Zero when he says it seems like they're in a spy movie or something and how cool that is, but once the crack in his mask is pointed out he immediately puts it back on.

After everything in the under depths ends, and you go back to Blueberry Academy, he drops the mask again completely, and goes back to his real, adorkable, relatable self...and stays that way from then on, which made me so relieved and happy.

(This is my favorite cutscene in the entire DLC because of how adorable it is and also how neurodivergent Kieran is being here while apologizing for all he did 🥺)

In conclusion, I think Kieran is a great example of an autistic-coded character who has many relatable traits, and also does a good job showcasing some of the more "unpleasant and challenging behaviors and traits" (NTs use that terminology a lot, not me... that's how NTs unfortunately view NDs a lot of the time) of autism. I used to be afraid of him during the post-Teal Mask pre-Indigo Disk era but that was my trauma and PTSD talking (I talked about the emotional rollercoaster Kieran's story arc took me on in another post from last year after I finally worked up the courage to play the Indigo Disk...feel free to check that out too if you'd like). Now though I can wholeheartedly say that I love and appreciate Kieran a lot as a character, and his relatability is definitely a big part of why he is a big comfort character for me now (please Pokémon put him in Pokémon Masters EX, PLEASE I will literally cry from joy if he gets added to the game)!

Hope you all enjoyed this autistic person's analysis of yet ANOTHER autistic-coded character in Pokémon! I know I had A LOT to say but that just proves how relatable Kieran is, and I love him for that. Let me know what you think and if I missed anything in the comments below!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hello my loves! A few little…announcements, I guess? Regarding asks/advice

Basically, I love you all, and please know you’re never bothering me. However, the volume of like…advice-related asks has gotten exponentially bigger lately. I love that you all feel safe to come to me and please still do so! But I feel like setting a goal of getting back to every advice ask within 24 hours has become kind of detrimental to my own mental health and my IRL relationships. So I have to make some changes.

From now on, I’ll be answering five advice-related asks a day. If I end up wanting to do more I might, but all I can promise is five.

(I’ll still answer other asks as well (ask game asks, silly things people send, questions about myself) and I won’t count them towards that number. Please continue to send love, happiness, silly things! They make my day!)

If you send a general (not personal) advice ask that I’ve gotten a lot (writing advice, for example). I’m going to start adding an FAQ to my pinned post. I’ll answer those asks and then put them in the FAQ. If someone asks again, I’ll direct them there. It’s not because I don’t love you all, it’s just because I want to help the most people possible.

Please don’t take this as a “don’t send me asks anymore” thing. I love helping you guys and like…selfishly, asks make me feel so special. I love that you all trust me enough to talk to me, and helping you guys has really helped my confidence, too. But I think I do need to be a role model a bit and set a boundary of balancing this with my own health.

Please also understand that I’m a bit nervous doing this. I don’t want anyone to be upset or take this the wrong way. I don’t want to ruin the safe space here and I’m so scared people will be mad at me or think I’m mad at them. So I’m trying to be honest about my feelings!

Lastly, if you are in a crisis, remember that my pinned post has a crisis help line. I would hate to think someone is waiting for a response from me and does something regrettable because of that.

I love you all so much and I’ll be back tomorrow!

[familyvideostevie]

hey.

okay. hello! i'm back. :)

maybe you noticed, maybe not, but i have been away for a while.

i wish i could say i've been out living my life, so caught up in happiness and joy and loving each day that i've just not had time for tumblr. but....that is not true. i have been having a tough time! being away has been good, as i've had time to do other things that i like and to put energy into my own well-being, but it hasn't been the best time, I'll tell you that.

i peeked on the dash every now and then to keep my queue full and reblogged soothing things to my main blog and tried my best not to feel guilty about it all (i was also booping on April 1 lol). i just...I really needed a break. i've really enjoyed being here the last six or so months as i've changed my blog and entered the pedro/tlou space but i've also felt so, so alone.

and i know that it doesn't really matter!! like, we should all take breaks and go outside and all that stuff. and I know plenty of people are not very active, but this blog has been such a vital part of my life and happiness since I started it almost two years ago, so any lapse in activity feels like a loss. I've met lifelong friends and flexed my writing muscles and learned a hell of a lot. the fact that I have started to feel isolated and alone on here is a sort of personal betrayal, and there is no one to blame but myself.

So, I’m pulling back.

it means a few things — i don’t know how much writing I’ll be doing from now on. For Joel, especially — it’s been wonderful to meet folks in that community but it has also been really detrimental to my passion for both the game and writing. I’d like to return to some other characters on my masterlist, but we’ll see. I’ve got endless personal projects away from tumblr that I want to pour love and time into (my non-reader fics, my newsletter, a romance novel, a sci-fi novel, poetry, etc). I need to fall in love with my own work again.

it's a me problem, I want to stress that. i'm working on it! irl stuff has been kicking my ass. I've had a really, really hard winter and my mental health has suffered probably more than ever before. i let things I love -- like this blog -- fester and become negative and no longer being me joy. writing became stressful and difficult and I was focused on notes and interaction and looking around me and seeing success and then looking at myself and only seeing lack.

but that's why I took a break! i am getting help and support irl, i am putting in the time and effort to feel better about being alive and to be a better friend and person all around. And I want to tell you all about it because I am so grateful for your time and attention and support, even if we’re just strangers on the internet. i know this probably seems silly -- who cares about a fanfic blog? well, i care! i care a lot! it matters to me and therefore it matters!

anyway. on to the important stuff. here I am! and here's what's going to happen on this blog:

I am working on replying to asks and reblogs and comments I missed. Thank you for being patient with me! I don't know if I'll get to them all but know I see them and I am honored every single time.

I made a totally separate ao3 account with this blog url. I'm working on uploading everything I've posted here onto there and hopefully will continue to crosspost. It is going to take a long, long time, so please be patient! (you can follow my other ao3 here for my non x-reader fanfic).

I posted this fic! Jackson!Joel pulled me back into his world. It’s the first thing I’ve written in ages, so let me know what you think. as of now it's the last planned fic for that series, but who knows!

I hit a milestone while i was away that I am absolutely blown away by. I'm planning a celebration around it sometime this spring (hopefully) and I’d love to see you participate :)

lastly, thank you so much to my friends for letting me complain, whine, winge, etc. I am so sorry for missing all of your work, your celebrations, your bright energies, and all the rest. i am so sorry if it seemed like i was ignoring you. you are my guiding lights, my silver linings, my touchstones. you make me want to be here. i will try to make it up to you!

I want to be online less but make sure I’m connecting more in the moments that i am here. I want to pressure myself to write less and not feel bad that I’m not engaged all the time. I want this blog to once again feel like a place that nourishes me and not sucks me dry. i want to stop feeling like shit about all of it!!!!

so. come hang out in my inbox, my dms, let me know what you've been up to. I am really sorry for missing so much. thank you for sticking around. <3

[gatheredfates]

It's been a little while since I've prompted my server! With Sea's Community Compendium not needing an update this week (unless...?), I thought it might be the perfect opportunity. ⭐

What is SEAFLOOR?

SEAFLOOR's purpose is two-pronged! The first focuses solely on my community projects including, but not limited to; Compendium support, question-drive updates, miscellaneous resources and other bits and bobs. We also have dedicated channels for user sourced/submitted content including:

Resources, prompts and commissions! Every time I see a commission post, gpose prompts or resources that I think will benefit the community at large (especially if it doesn't fit in the Compendium due to time constraints), I'll add it there.

An affirmations channel! Exactly what it says on the tin. You can link positive words and encouragement to people and they can look in the channel if they need a boost.

Fics, drabbles & asks! If you want to promote your writing/work, especially from my question drive, you can do that there.

There are also a few channels specific to the social role.

An events channel! I try to link any upcoming events I see on the dash, though event owners can promote their own specific venues if they want.

Character profiles for RP and writing!

GPosing, LFG and modding discussions. ✨

The second purpose is what's implied above — a social aspect! I struggle with a lot of one on one conversations, so this server lets me reach out to lots of people without the pressure of missing messages. You do not need to join the social aspect to have access to my projects. It is entirely optional and there for people who want to say hi or meet other people in the community. If you just want to be pinged when a question drive is open or I have updated the Compendium, you're more than welcome to utilise the server just for that.

However, because of my time constraints, I have a series of rules that must be adhered to in order for people to participate fully in SEAFLOOR. Though they're explored in more depth in the server, the main crux are below —

SEAFLOOR is adults-only, 21+. This is entirely because I don't have the time to moderate a server that is friendly towards minors and I generally don't allow them in my space. This is for my own comfort, sorry! You're still welcome to utilise my projects.

As this is a server for adults, I expect you to act like adults. This includes, but is not limited to; enacting your own media literacy in muting, blocking and disengaging with people/topics you don't like; doing your due diligence to protect yourself and others with proper content warnings, spoiler tagging and triggers; keeping to Discord's ToS and respecting people's boundaries and privacy. If I have to moderate, I will be harsh in implementation because I don't have the time for it. Like all my projects, if it becomes too much of a chore or detrimental for my mental health, I will delete it without hesitation. This might be a 'public' server, but it is still my server. I won't hesitate.

In sum: 'Be excellent to each other'. Treat others how you want to be treated, don't start discourse and sort your shit in private. Use your common sense and don't be creepy/weird.

If this sounds like something that might be up your alley, you can give the server a shot here! There's a lot of fun, supportive people and I really enjoy the little community that's been cultivated. I hope you will too!

[wordbunch]

SFW Alphabet: Aragorn

a/n: thank you @emmaarenstarr​ for requesting this and sending me back into my Aragorn era 🤭🤭 I’ve loved this man for SO long that I basically feel like I know him at this point...so this will be LONG and hopefully okay. 😂💙 let me know how you liked it, I really treasure all of your comments, and reblogging my work is always especially appreciated!! lots of love 💖

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) He is very affectionate but in a very subtle way - a hand on your back in passing, a kiss to your temple, longing gazes across the room… he is very respectful but still likes to show you that he loves you in a physical way as well. He is affectionate to his friends, let alone his romantic partner! His go-to in public is a quick kiss to the back of your hand, but in private he could kiss you on the lips for the rest of time.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) Loyal to the end, protective, honest… and it would be a long lasting friendship. I imagine you’d meet either during some of his “missions” as Strider, or maybe even in Rivendell as he was growing up; definitely way before the whole One Ring adventure. Even while you drift out of and back into each other’s lives due to different circumstances, the friendship never fades away. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) He isn’t particularly inclined to cuddling because he’d always lived on-the-go and pretty independently. He doesn’t dislike cuddling, he is just pretty neutral. If you like it or suggest it, he will definitely do whatever is in his power to bring you joy; also he is very intuitive and he can guess when you need it after a particularly demanding day. In those situations he will gladly be the big spoon or, even better, lie on his back and just let you drape yourself over him in any way you please.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Eventually he does want to settle down - he’d had his fair share of wandering around and not having one set place to call home - but he’s certain that you are his home. He’s decent at cooking relatively simple stuff and he obviously does it well enough to keep himself alive and strong. Cleaning isn’t his strongest suit, I mean… it’s difficult to keep things clean when you basically live on dirt roads and forests, and then later when you become King, you don’t really need to clean… 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) only thinking about this is detrimental to my mental health… straight to the point, as rational as possible, and put together, but he feels incredibly guilty when he sees the defeated look in your eyes, and he genuinely wishes nothing but the very best for you.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Aragorn is a certified slow burn king, he is very committed in a relationship and he would never entertain the thought of being with someone if he didn’t see it working in the long run. He would surely want to figure out as many things as possible before getting married and he would want to ensure that he can give you the best possible life.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) For somebody who is an amazingly skilled warrior and terrifying to his enemies, privately he is a very gentle man because with you he can let go of the constant caution and he doesn’t have to be on edge all the time. It actually fascinates you how different he can be in different settings. Emotionally as well, he is very loving and wagers his words a lot; it literally seems that he always says the right thing at the right time.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) For Aragorn hugs are a way of making sure you’re there and safe and okay, and they’re a great remedy for stress and tiredness. Bone crushing hugs after a dangerous situation include him burying his face in your hair or neck and holding onto you for dear life. His hugs are very comfortable - somehow he is always warm, and there’s probably a height difference so you can tuck your head underneath his chin. Again, he’s not too big of a fan of overt displays of affection, but when he comes into your shared quarters after a long day, you can always count on at least one proper hug.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Slow. Burn. King. Surprisingly or not, you were the first one who hinted at those kinds of feelings between you two! After the first confession, he doesn’t say it too often in those exact words - they’re very special and sacred to him. However, he makes sure you know you’re loved in many other ways. For example, he can be very romantic and even poetic with his compliments and he will do anything for you, without you having to ask. I’d say his love languages are most likely acts of service and quality time.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) Aragorn is literally not jealous at all - his trust in you is unwavering and he is confident that you love him and are committed to him. Rather he gets concerned if he thinks that someone is pestering you or making you uncomfortable and then he steps in if things start to escalate. To an outsider he will seem very cool and collected when he stands up for you, but you can read him better than that.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) He is a classically romantic man and there’s nothing better to him than a full-on love-packed kiss on the lips!!! Which is mostly saved for behind four walls. His kisses are always slow and thorough, he takes his sweet time showing you love, and one of his hands always winds up in your hair to pull you in even closer. Due to a height difference it’s also very convenient for him to kiss you on the forehead or your hair, whereas public settings and occasions call for something more subtle, like a swoon-worthy kiss on the back of your hand, which is often held in his. His absolute weakness is when, during more intimate times, you kiss him right under his jaw or on the neck. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) To be fair, he hasn’t had too much experience being around kids, and he is mostly neutral - not good, not bad, he just thinks they’re okay. He’d be protective due to his nature, but that is about it. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Before you he used to be a man who’d just get up and start his day immediately (if he’d even got proper sleep at all), but after you got together that aspect of his life changed greatly. He is unbelievably cuddly in the mornings and he likes to just wrap himself around you as much as possible and relish in that skin-to-skin contact while still being half asleep. You treasure those moments a lot, because ruling a kingdom is insanely hectic, and having him all to yourself in comfortable silence, or soft whispering, is priceless.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Sometimes you must attend balls and dinners, which isn’t exactly on the list of his favorite activities, but having an arm around you and seeing you looking so royal and gorgeous and vibrant makes it much more bearable. The kinds of nights and evenings that he prefers, though, is when the two of you can just escape for a little bit from the hustle and bustle, and spend some time in nature. He can still sometimes miss the kind of life he’d had as a ranger, so you occasionally make an effort to steal him away and go exploring a forest or just camp out under the stars. He appreciates it more than he’ll ever be able to say.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) Many times we’ve established that he takes things slow most of the time, and here it’s no different. Furthermore, he is very in touch with his emotions and, while he still has struggles and doubts about a plethora of things, he is really good at sorting them out on his own. Occasionally you have to push him a little bit to confess some things to you (just because he doesn’t want you to worry about anything), but other than that he has no trouble revealing anything. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) It really takes an extreme situation for him to get angry; he sometimes gets just a bit frustrated if he cannot change something for the better, and he feels like he should be able to.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) His memory is impeccable, especially when it comes to “big” things and events, but sometimes details slip his mind, such as your favorite flower or dessert, but don’t hold it against him - he needs to process too much information on the daily. Actually it is a bit funny when he gets something wrong, like the favorite color for your new cape, because he gets unusually embarrassed and flustered , which is oddly funny to see on him.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) While he treasures everything and anything, if he had to pick just one moment, it would be when you first verbalized your feelings for him. The two of you had been friends for ages, secretly pining for one another, but nobody spoke up for a while. Until once he was patching up an injury of yours and you didn’t have the clearest mind and weren’t fully aware of your words and surroundings… thus, things happened. He wasn’t really sure whether he should trust your clouded judgment and slurred words, but he decided to follow his heart and finally pursue you romantically. The fact that he could have lost you that day just cemented what he thought he felt for you, and he kind of criticized himself for not acting on his feelings way earlier. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Aragorn is very very protective in any way you can think of, it’s just who he is. One of his biggest fears is something terrible happening to you, and he will act out immediately, maybe sometimes even a bit rashly, if he senses that might be the case. You know he means well and usually you let him, although he has so much respect for your independence and knows you can handle many things on your own, but it just makes him feel like he’s “doing a good job” in at least one aspect of your relationship. You have almost never needed to protect him physically, for him it’s more than enough when you hear him out about something and even advise him about what might be the healthiest option for him - basically you protect him against burnout and overworking as much as you can.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Aragorn is sort of in the middle of the spectrum - he doesn’t get you all the stars from the sky, but also he is never careless and he doesn’t take you for granted. Sometimes you give him hints about what you would like as a present or a date idea, and he’s intelligent enough to pick up on it immediately, and you’re both okay with that. Every now and then he goes out of his way, as much as circumstances permit him to, but one of your ways of showing him that you love him is when you take charge of planning an activity for the two of you, getting him a meaningful present, or just pampering him a little bit because honestly he deserves that sometimes. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) He takes up entirely too many responsibilities upon himself and he tends to feel too responsible for others’ actions if he’d maybe been the one advising them or helping them in some way… and then he will feel bad if something goes wrong for somebody else because maybe he could have done something differently and the outcome would have been better.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Have you seen him - this man literally doesn’t care. Obviously it stems from way before he was King, but eventually he has to start paying more attention to it, and he appreciates your comments and input about his looks and clothes. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Not really, no. He’s fully used to being alone and is extremely self-sufficient in more ways than one. However, it’s undeniable that you bring great joy into his life and make it more rich and vibrant.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Hear me out… his morning voice is something else. That is all I’m going to say. (may the unholy thoughts begin)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) People who don’t stick to their word, break promises and things like that. He tries his hardest to honor the things he says and believes in, and that is also a personality trait that he really appreciates in other people.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) He is an incredibly light sleeper and he doesn’t need a lot of sleep to function properly. He prefers that you fall asleep first as he watches over you. However, sometimes you have to all but force him to go get some proper sleep during some extra busy and taxing days, and then you run your fingers through his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

-

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[royboyfanpage]

Hello I really like your page. It's nice to see so much great Roy content and thoughts!

I was wondering your thoughts and opinions on Roy's relationship with Mia.

!! You're too sweet, tysm!

As for the ask:

Short answer? That's his little sister.

Long answer?

I'll be honest, I haven't seen all that many interactions between them in canon. I do have my own thoughts and feelings about them but, upon looking through some comics I've read, I haven't found many where they're actually talking. I have managed to find panels which show they *have* talked and have a good relationship in canon, but I've only seen them actually interact a few times and have definitely read more content with her and Connor, so if you have any reading recs I'd appreciate that :)

Because of this, my point is gonna be a lot more based on symbols and my own interpretation than actual sources, so some of my opinions may be disputed by canon content.

To start with, Roy's fiercely protective of Mia. Even from the beginning, he expressed his dislike of the thought of Mia becoming Speedy-

-because he knows first-hand just how detrimental that role can be to a child's mental health. Speedy, to him, meant a lot of bad things. I have a whole lotta thoughts on how the original sidekicks, particularly Roy and Dick, view becoming sidekicks, but I'll try and summarise. To Roy, Speedy meant losing any chance of a normal life. Keep in mind Roy was 13 when he became Speedy- he absolutely was not old enough to decide what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, and yet once you're *in* the hero business it's extremely difficult to leave.

And when Ollie first tells Roy that he's gonna make Mia Speedy, Roy's reaction is essentially that.

He's angry at Ollie for making Mia become Speedy, not because of "It's my name", it's not, Roy hasn't been Speedy in years at this point. He's angry because that is a seventeen year old who Ollie wants to throw in there, a seventeen year old who'll be making the choice to, in his eyes, throw away the rest of her life before she can even vote. And Roy's absolutely right about the world being different- Roy's teen years were spent in the gold and silver ages which were definitely a lot less dangerous than the 00s. And I think there's definitely an element in that fear of "look what being Speedy did to me" in Roy's fears. While it's likely Roy was an adult by the time Snowbirds happened, considering the amount of drugs he had experience with and the different connections he'd built it's safe to say that Roy was already an addict by the time he was Mia's age. But what I don't think Roy understands is that Speedy isn't that for her. She's already gone through the shit Roy's scared of her going through and more, having been a child prostitute and meth user by the time she was fifteen. To Mia, Roy isn't a cautionary tale but rather an inspiration- someone who'd gone through a similar situation to her and come out the other end.

After this, their relationship definitely progressed. Roy comes to trust Mia and her identity as Speedy, as well as letting her have things (that he kinda shouldn't have had in the first place, but all vigilantes are criminals it came free with the independent delivery of justice) that could help her as Speedy-

-and trusting her with Lian who he's always been fiercly protective over

And their relationship in the few times I have seen them together is incredibly sweet, with Mia reassuring Roy that he's a good dad and that it's not his fault that life gets in the way of his time with Lian.

So yeah. I really hope that they get to interact in the ongoing series because the Speedys should absolutely talk more. I think that Roy naturally has a great instinct with younger heroes, and he's absolutely someone Mia respects and looks up to.

Anyway I think Roy should take Mia and Connor to a theme park for sibling bonding time <3

[dykephan]

please elaborate on the period of time when they didn’t leave their rooms and didn’t talk to each other 👀

okay okay let me be clear this is 100% speculation and i'm perfectly fine with being wrong or people disagreeing with me because i'm here for the sillies and i don't usually like to get into real "theories" but this takes up space in my brain for some reason. anyway that's my long disclaimer let's get into it :D

first we need a timeline for this to make sense. dan officially moved in with phil in manchester in august of 2011. this is when their public personas slowly started to become more polished and less personal. dan had just dropped out of law school, so youtube was his full time career now. they started diversifying their income with things like the super amazing project, their first merch line, and the fantastic foursome (which was created because they partnered with vyou, the livestream service). on christmas of 2011, they had their very first guest appearance on bbc radio 1.

all this is to say, things were moving FAST for them as they went into 2012. they were both trying to figure out how they wanted to be perceived online and, in particular, how they wanted to approach joint content. i will never know what was going on behind the scenes, but i think their personal relationship took a hit because they never had time to enjoy living together before it was tainted. moving in with your partner can already make or break you, but add hundreds of thousands of brand new eyes watching you during this transitional period, and there had to be some tension.

while they were pursuing all these new career options, they were also trying to secure a job with the bbc. they've said before that they moved to london on a whim, basically just to prove that they were serious about their career and would do whatever it takes to get there. that happened in june of 2012. in my opinion, THIS is the turning point. because now they really had to drive home the point that they were just friends who live together out of convenience. they even had separate bedrooms with unique but opposite themes!

dan started his "customer service" blog where he would go on long long rants about shipping and his sexuality. and then in late 2012, the v/day video dropped again. it had already been quietly floating around, but now there were SO many more people out there to see it. i'm sure i don't have to tell you how detrimental this was (especially the timing of it), so i won't dwell on it. but these are the real dark ages that come to mind immediately when you think of 2012. that christmas eve, they posted their last video for the super amazing project. the ending of this series stands out to me because it was almost the same formula as the 2018 hiatus -- they didn't officially close the door on it, they just let it fade away. on christmas, they had their second special on bbc radio 1. and in january of 2013, they finally started their own recurring show.

OKAY SO HERE'S MY THEORY, SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG LMAO

i think that sometime in late 2012, they separated/broke up/took a break, something like that. however, they had just moved to london (a huge risk) and were already planning on doing the radio show together. they knew neither of them could've gotten hired by themselves, because it was their dynamic & their collective fans that were so interesting to the bbc. their lives had already become so intertwined (hell, dan wouldn't have even started youtube if it weren't for phil convincing him to take the leap), and on top of that, i think they always cared about each other deeply and didn't want to give up. but i do think they needed space and time to cope with all these huge huge life events that were coming at them so quickly.

this is not even mentioning their mental health which i don't really want to get into, except that years later dan would talk about how his depression was completely untreated. and if there's anything we know about him, it's that he gets defensive and isolates himself in times of turmoil. (btw i'm not trying to pick on dan here, it's just that we know far less about phil's inner workings)

so in early 2013 when dan would say things like "i only talk to phil in videos/at work, we don't hang out otherwise", i think there's some kernel of truth in there. it didn't last long, but i do believe there was a time where they kept to themselves and gave each other room to breathe as much as they could while living together and working together 24/7. but once they found their footing with the radio show and youtube at the same time, the vibe between them steadily got better and better. they settled into their respective brands, which could be restricting at times, but at least it allowed them some separation between work and life. and by the time they wrapped up the radio show in early 2015, they knew where they wanted to go with their careers and they were solid enough in each other to accomplish that.

basically, i think the big difference between 2012 and 2018 are the private dynamic between dan and phil. things were rocky between them in 2012 and it showed. but in 2018 and onwards, things might have been rocky on the professional front, but it was clear that dan and phil as people were working things out together, quite literally building for the future ;-; they learned how to prioritize themselves after many years of not doing that

[pathogenflock]

I feel like the way people act in the cc fandom, in terms of discourse, is very harmful. To others, yes, obviously, but also to themselves. This post isn't in response to any recent incidents (none have happened that i know of at least - I've been pretty disconnected from the fandom recently, mb). I wanna preface this by saying, first and foremost, that I acknowledge the absurdity of what is basically a heart-to-heart with a fandom for a facebook game LMFAO so lets get that out of the way, but it IS a game - and by extent, fandom - that I hold dear to my heart (no, seriously), so I kinda felt like a post like this would probably do some good, or at the very least wouldnt do harm.

In the time spent in this fandom, I have seen the way in which people treat each other in disagreements. It's hardly constructive, often vitriolic, and always rooted in taking whatever the opposing side has said in bad faith. I've seen massive, weeks-long arguments stem from tiny, petty disagreements, which would otherwise be resolved with simple communication or even letting the whole thing dissolve. (One thing to note is that I am almost never part of these arguments, more so a spectator, or sometimes even a mediator, so do take the way I speak about them with a pinch of salt.) I actually kind of get it, because I've been there. Sometimes you're in the thick of it and you're not really thinking rationally and your brain sort of kicks into high gear and you do and say things that are drastic and escalating because you're locked in this 'act now, think later' mode that just makes things worse. Or maybe it's a slowburn, never nipping something in the bud and just letting it rack up and snowball into a whole thing because you were, again, in the thick of it and convinced that doing something about it at the time it started would be the end of the world.

I digress.

If you find yourself caring about something to the point that it has a negative impact on your mental health — be it stress, anger, anxiety, sadness — I urge you from the bottom of my heart and with your best interest in mind to take a big step back to assess whether it is worth the emotions that it is causing. Ask yourself as many grounding questions as you can. Is it really that important? If I explained this to somebody out loud as neutrally as possible, would it sound silly? In five years, or three years, or even six months, will this matter? Compared to my other priorities, is this really that pressing? Ask this genuinely: try not to go into it with the purpose of belittling OR affirming your initial position.

Treat people nicely. Even the ones you disagree with. Not because you're expected to be perfectly and ontologically good to everybody, but to prevent the harm that you can cause yourself when bickering with people inevitably devolves into a pathological thing. Because it will! Anger is a very addictive emotion, and letting yourself be at the mercy of it is actively detrimental to you. Obviously, don't be a pushover and always respect yourself, but 'letting people walk all over you' and 'constantly being on the offense' are two extremes in interaction that you should never let yourself skew towards because BOTH these things will massively fuck you over.

If you frequently find yourself bickering with or making snide remarks toward somebody, if you are entrenching yourself into drama and discourse about this game, you may be causing harm to yourself. Little by little, this kind of stuff chips away at your mental state and it can leave you as a bitter, perpetually-on-the-offensive version of yourself. I know this because I have been there, and I wish I could take that time back. Please don't feel bad if any of what I've said resonates with your behavior, I am fully aware of how this kind of stuff creeps up on you and becomes tedious to unlearn by the time you're aware of it, so it's nothing I look down on, but it IS something that I want to stop from causing further harm to folks.

Beyond just this fandom, there is no specific target audience for this. Please don't think I'm targeting you. I worded this as broadly as possible for a reason. Likewise, please don't let your takeaway from this post be "Oh, I know someone who needs to hear this." There is no one thing that sparked the decision to make this post, I've simply looked back on past major things, that I have either seen or been told about, and noticed an overarching pattern of behavior. This fandom is and has been peaceful lately, so hopefully this is a good time to stop and soak this in. If you needed to hear this, I hope you take it to heart, and thank you so much for sticking by. If you didn't, then thank you for reading this whole thing anyway lol. Whichever audience you belong to, thank you for making this community what it is, because I could make a post that is twice as long as this one about its merits.

TL;DR: The way people treat each other around here is pretty unhealthy, not just to the other person but to themselves. It's a sadly ongoing problem that stems from a disinterest to engage in good faith with each other, a lack of proper communication, people's addiction to their own anger, and a tendency to perceive inconsequential things as worse than they are, thereby escalating them. This is ultimately harmful to your mental health, so I've written some ways to prevent it. This isn't targeted, don't think it's specifically about you or someone you hate, it's for anyone who needs to hear it and there is no shame at all in needing to hear it. Thank you for reading, and thank you for being part of this wonderful community (/gen).

thanks for making it this far have this extremely compressed jpeg of my wife

[reptileofdoom]

Public PSA and Callout Of Hawkshadow/Luna: A Continued Pattern of Hurt and Manipulation PART 2 of 2

If you haven't read part 1, it is linked HERE:

If you have, then where we last left off, I had been guilted into continuing a friendship that was actively detrimental to my mental health; eventually causing a very bad anxiety attack over a small issue, over which I was gaslit to hell and back with Luna's insistence to berate me, causing in me accepting all fault and blaming myself for the incident.

After this, there weren't any large fights until January. This was for 2 reasons:

a) I had received anxiety pills from my psychiatrist, which I started using anytime a conversation with Luna would make me very anxious again

b) During the period of late November - end of December, she became busy on working on her large holiday fic. Our conversations became more sparse as she was, apparently, completely consumed by it.

But we were brought back together as Luna, out of nowhere, suggested working on a fic together.

This was... weird to me. For context: Luna and I had attempted to work on fics before. We'd have an idea in DMs, talk about it, create a shared doc, and then... NOTHING from her. I am not joking when I say I would write up to 4 thousand words in a document without a single contribution from her. This was back at the beginning of our friendship. As a result, I had given up on ever writing anything with her. So for her to just suggest working on a fic together out of the blue was... really weird.

(Side note: Luna and I had a lot of fic ideas in our pinned messages. At the time it completely slipped my mind that the only reason I brought up a/b/o had been because I'd just read a fic and wanted to talk about something similar. So our discussion of the idea happened months ago - it was only after the whole fiasco was over that I remembered, oh shit, it had originally been inspired by something else. So I apologize for the unintended idea stealing.)

I am including the following screenshot as 1 - proof we really did talk a lot about so many ideas; and 2 - as the most likely theory for why she was suddenly up for writing a fic with me.

She wanted to write something, but didn't think she would have time to do it by herself. So she hit me up. This becomes ironic later on because she ended up completely destroying my ability to work on the fic.

Bonus: her changing things I myself had written in the fic and only asking me if it was okay afterward. I... didn't really feel like I could disagree and argue with her.

In the middle of everything, an event occurred which I can only refer to as The Like Drama. This event is going to have its own post because it spans 10 screenshots and is, even more than anything in this whole series of events, incredibly inane, hard to follow, and it's insane it was ever made a big deal in the first place. It is, however, a very fantastic example of Luna's casual manipulation and general obsessiveness with public image.

The Like Drama post HERE:

Back to the fic saga:

A short time after this, after editing my words and only asking permission afterwards, I was scrolling Twitter and an announcement Tweet from Luna popped up on my timeline. (I don't have the capacity to go make an alt and try to search through her account for it, but it was public and many people can certainly remember it.)

It read, in summary: that she was working on an omegaverse fic and to stay tuned. A couple of things to highlight, specifically:

a) there was no mention of me, or any co-author in the tweet

b) this tweet was made without any sort of discussion with me

c) I have an Actual Massive Trigger around pressure; something I would talk about extensively in her server. Both Raelle and Cass (vegaspetesupremacy / sketchyshit) are willing to back me up on this. It used to be so bad that I could not tell anyone what I was working on, otherwise I would be unable to finish it.

(if anyone is wondering about the legitimacy of such a trigger - I used to attend a massively abusive private school for almost 8 years. It fucking sucked.)

Luna knew about this trigger. And not only did she post a tweet like that, in what follows after, she proceeds to stomp all over my boundary.

On January 19th I woke up to the message that a friend had committed suicide.

At the same time, the fic had gone up during the night - but it wasn't what I focused on because I was emotionally broken up. I made a Twitter post about taking some time off to grieve.

After crying, I was left alone with my thoughts. And my email notifications were pinging with people commenting on the fic. So I thought: why not reply? Luna had previously mentioned finding comment replies draining; I felt like I could do something useful.

And this is where things went wrong. As mentioned, I was not in a good headspace. So when some comments featured the typical begging for more ie "please please write a chapter 2!!" I was very blunt with reinforcing my own boundary; telling them quite frankly that it's uncomfortable and if they keep going, I will block them.

Were my replies graceful? No. But I was grieving and did not have the capacity to care.

Here is my final conversation with Luna, after which we never spoke again.

That's it. That's the end of our conversation.

Luna did not reply to me for 2 entire days. During this time, she wrote and published a drabble for one of the commenters.

Formerly, this conversation also had a message or two from me along the lines of "Luna? Please respond, please." I deleted these after seeing that. (That entire conversation, I was waiting on a single "I'm sorry for your loss" from her; at one point I specifically tried to allude to my situation to see if she knew, but she did not acknowledge it.)

After 48 hours, I unfollowed Luna on Twitter and left her server; mostly to see if it would make her react.

In response, she hard-blocked me. She chose her followers and fame over our friendship for good.

During this 48-hour period, I had also thought to message Raelle regarding my general frustration, almost as a last call for help. Because to be clear: this interaction left me sobbing and wailing on the ground. In essence, I had lost two friends on a single day. I could not fathom why she was treating me this way, what horrible thing I may have done to deserve this.

Not to be sappy, but: I really, really want to be clear how much I owe to Rae. She allowed me to vent and show her what happened: I asked her multiple times if I was out of line, because I thought it must be something I had done. She was my first outside perspective on my interactions with Luna; she was the one to tell me "you don't deserve to be treated like this." Without her, I would have probably ended up crawling back and begging Luna to forgive me, possibly trapping myself in months more of miserable friendship.

And here is something incredibly scary: If Luna had just.. given a single reply. Just a single "Wait for me a few days, we'll talk later." I wouldn't be here right now.

Even months after everything happened, I was still wracked by guilt and felt like I would sacrifice anything just to have that friendship back. My friends had to talk me down, sometimes, from messaging her begging her to take me back. After the first few days, I unblocked her on Twitter and kept her unblocked for close to a month - just in case that maybe, possibly, she ever wanted to talk to me again.

I'm not under any illusion as to what this treatment is comparable to. Some people, when shown everything, have told me the word "abuse" could apply - but I hesitate to use it, and am actively choosing not to include it as an accusation; because it is heavy and loaded and I do not want anyone to misunderstand.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end here.

After leaving the work, something happened: despite me leaving, Luna had not edited the Author's Note to include mentioning me. In fact, it almost seemed like she wanted to avoid mentioning me; since the fic has been deleted, I am including proof through old DMs with Raelle (me reacting to this situation). (I become quite angry in these screenshots. I apologize for the name-calling.)

Quick context for what I mention here: After I became unable to work on the fic, Luna would reassure me "it's fine, you already did so much" when I expressed guilt. So... yeah, seeing this comment was a betrayal. PLUS the fact she froze it.

So, in my anger and frustration I decided to make a Twitter post; SOLELY because of the no-credit issue. At that point, I didn't want to expose Luna's treatment of me because I still had trouble accepting that it wasn't mostly my fault.

Here is the post I made, which turned into a thread as she made her own thread and misrepresented what I said: https://twitter.com/reptileofdoom/status/1616908647048613888?s=20

As a response to this, Luna created her own thread which she started sending to everyone. And not just everyone she knew, but asking those people to share it with everyone they know. (The thread has since been deleted, presumably after people pointed out inaccuracies and/or she realized she was just giving the issue more publicity.) The main piece of misinformation in the thread was her claiming I was credited in the Author's Note: this only became true after my post went public and she did it, presumably, as a way of covering her ass.

Proof, provided by kiwibin (thank you so much):

(shown through discord search because the chat was extremely active at the time and there are a million unrelated messages)

Additional proof of the thread being sent to Rae, her defending me to Luna, and Luna's response (screenshots provided by Raelle, thank you so much):

Bonus points: Misgendering lol. You only have my word on this, but her thread also featured a screenshot of a conversation with one of the "upset commenters" who misgendered me and Luna did not correct them, instead reassuring them she still loved them or whatever. She posted it as proof of how much I upset her followers.

These next images are of Rae crafting her response at the time, but it is what she ended up sending:

(As mentioned before, Rae is an angel.) (Cut off because stupid image limit, so I had to prioritize more important conversation.)

Finally, last of all:

There is a reason I have called all this a "continued pattern." In the time afterward, as I was dealing with my own emotional fallout and had trouble processing everything, I reached out to someone Luna had mentioned to me as a "former best friend (who abandoned her)." The conversation was... illuminating, and gives information about Luna's time in her previous fandom, MDZS.

Thank you so much, lunarwriter, for allowing me to add your voice to this.

As mentioned in these screenshots, there is a pattern:

Luna approaches someone, usually someone with some sort of "value" - either with many followers, or because of their writing/art. (in some ways, I was the exception: she messaged me because we wrote an impromptu threadfic in replies) (this would later be turned into her fanfiction Mortifying Ordeal, once again without credit to me, which I didn't think to question at the time. )

She pulls them into her circle. When we were friends, it was "invite them to the server" - which may be dead now because I was the one usually working very hard to keep it from going dead. But this part features a lot of compliments, asking to sprint together, gushing about how she loves their work, messaging a lot, etc.

Then comes the part where she gets value out of someone. Last I heard, she was doing it through collabs.

Here is where it gets... fuzzy because this part is usually in DMs. But people I have spoken to have mentioned experiencing some form of manipulation or another, usually to satisfy Luna's ego - constantly comparing followers, statistics, etc. Or in my case, becoming a sort of sounding board, someone to be a cheerleader for her and constantly comfort whenever she needs it - but heaven forbid I ask for some comfort back.

Just to be clear: the amount of manipulation used varies person to person.

Since I was vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, she used a heavy hand with me: which is why she was able to completely destroy me in such a relatively short amount of time.

If you are someone who is older, or has more "star power", maybe you haven't noticed these things! Or she hasn't felt the need to use it on you! Or you are special, or I am somehow mistaken about everything.

There is a very good reason why, in our final conversation, I pointed out she would not be acting the same way toward me if I was older and had "popularity."

At the end of the day, Luna is someone who, when allowed power over someone else, uses it to hurt people over and over again.

I expect her response to be something like this: Pick a point or two to focus on, ones where it was harder to find proof, or ones where I did not think to include some related conversation beforehand. Make her entire point around that. Claim I am trying to hurt her; paint herself as the victim. Vent to everyone around it, make very sad posts, share her inevitable "defense" with everyone. (If I'm wrong, I'm gonna donate $20 to charity. Not joking.)

As mentioned before, this isn't a call for "cancelling" or whatever. First and foremost, it is a PSA, a way to show these techniques and to help people guard against them more effectively. Second of all, it is a way for me to heal: the nature of everything made it hard to talk about these things openly without having proof lined up. By making this post, I am allowing myself to open up, to be clear about my boundaries, to be able to be honest with people and say "sorry, I can't follow you because you reblog her stuff sometimes and that makes me have panic attacks." Yes, there is some small amount of petty satisfaction to be made making this post; but that is only its very last purpose.

I want to end the post on some positive information:

I am doing alright now. I was able to move out in March and adopted a kitty in April. I am in therapy and have been able to discuss this whole issue extensively. I have a close friend group within the fandom now, who I have been able to rely on, again and again. Thank you so much, everyone - you know who you are <3

And I was going to end with an image of the kitty but :c hit image limit. So, have a good day, everyone.

[nytehavyn-circle]

I'm having a not-so-good mental health day today.

So this is going to be blunt and rude -

Those of you who unfollow me every single time I post or reblog something that isn't directly RP-related even if they're tagged: Fuck You.

And I'm also getting tired of trying to RP with people who don't follow me. Because the only interaction I really get is when threads are replied to. Because I'll tell you, most people won't talk to you if they don't follow you. If I can't converse with you or get to know you OOC, I'm going to have a very difficult time RPing with you, because there will be hardly any connection between the muses. Some sort fo connection between RP partners actually makes for a better connection between muses, it makes for better RP, period. Every RP partner I have that I have regular contact/conversation with OOC, our RPs are always better.

So, it looks like I'm going to start going Mutuals Only, as much as I really don't want to.

And I, myself, unfortunately, am guilty of the above - ignoring non-mutuals - too, much to my chagrin and detriment, and embarrassment. Which, is another reason I'm going Mutuals Only.

Seriously, talk to your RP partners OOC. Make those connections, become friends, something. Your RP will be better for it.

[nothorses]

i kind of agree that the internet (and ppl in general) have become more conflict avoidant, to the point of detriment. and that can be seen especially in fanfic spaces, where any sort of criticism is almost sacrilege. (im talking about like. constructive criticism not just being like “augh this sucks” )

which is fine! nobody has to listen to criticism when they dont want it. but i find it worrying because i think its scared people off from interacting with fanart/fic at all!

for example, im definitely a sensitive person but i started to explicitly say “please share any and all criticisms!” under my writing. cause i felt i needed that, and it was quite scary and difficult at first but ive kinda taught myself to actually use that info to make my work better. which makes me happy in turn.

but also! i find i get more comments in general, even completely positive ones! i think because people are less scared of coming off the wrong way. idk this is sort of random but. just thought id share how ive seen what u were talkin about reflected in specific spaces.

Yes, absolutely! and I think this highlights part of the issue for me, too.

I think lot of this behavior stems from fearing the vulnerability that comes with trust. And we talk a lot about how not trusting others or not trusting yourself isolates you- which it absolutely does- but something I don't really see discussed is the impact this has on others as well.

Like you said, the fear of interactions going wrong means people are less willing to say even kind things, for fear of them being taken the wrong way; which is isolating for you, and which can also make other people feel like you don't want to interact with them for some reason.

Lacking trust in other people also often means jumping to conclusions about them, assuming the worst, and ultimately making them feel like they're undeserving of trust for whatever reason. Even if that's not why you feel that way, I can definitely tell you from experience the kind of damage that can cause to someone's mental health and self-perception.

Trust isn't owed, but I do think everyone deserves a chance before you decide to take it away. And I think if you find you fundamentally can't trust someone, there's really no justification for sticking around.

[wordstome]

Hey! I was lurking and saw that you like BTS! 🫣 Are there any BTS songs or lyrics that remind you of König?

anon I saw this and JUMPED out of bed yelling "DO I EVER"

Of course, we have to start with War of Hormone—

Just kidding. I actually came this 👌🏼 close to writing something for König based on Fake Love. Check this out:

I wish love was perfect as love itself I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream that can’t come true

I mean...that's König right there. Part of him is always chasing love and acceptance, but it's hard for him to keep it. For him, being loved for longer than a one night stand or a handful of weeks is a dream that can never come true. He is prideful and confident about himself out of necessity, but sometimes he doesn't know if that's helping or hurting him. Like my beloved @50cal-fullauto-astarion so eloquently said, it's like he's zipping up this human skin suit over himself because he thinks if he can hide (what he perceives as) his flaws, he'll get what he wants. It works if it's just sex, but it's not sustainable. Nobody ever stays once the suit starts splitting.

I usually write König as ending up with someone he can unabashedly be himself around, but I think the rest of the song applies when he manages to get himself in a relationship with someone whom he successfully fooled into thinking he's not a nasty boy—probably early in his life when he's still getting into flings and stuff.

For those who aren't in to BTS Lore™, back in 2018 when they were just starting to become popular in the western pop market, they were in the middle of releasing their Love Yourself trilogy. It used short films and their music videos to extend the lore of this ongoing story they've been doing with their music since, like, 2015/2016. The oldest member, Jin, had an arc in the Love Yourself story about how he falls in love with this woman that helps him escape reality when he's with her—to the detriment of his own mental/physical health and his platonic relationship with others (namely his friends).

It's not really a one-to-one comparison (because König doesn't have the same deep platonic connections with friends like Jin does) but I think König approaches his early relationships in much the same manner. He's hungry for the kind of love that will cure him, but that doesn't exist. No amount of hiding his true self is going to change him, nor is it going to make his partner stay.

This is where the König analysis ends, for those who are reading this post for that. But I just want to say: I love how Fake Love as a song, if you listen to it without knowing Korean, sounds like a very generic song about how the narrator's partner had "fake love" for them. But once you dig into the lyrics, it's actually about how the narrator's love was fake because they portrayed a false version of themselves to their partner. It's good stuff.

In general, BTS's music is more introspective and general to the human experience than I usually relate with König, so there's not a lot of songs that would apply to him. If anybody would like to chime in with their own ideas, I would love to hear them!

[yanderu-deredere]

UM so like, ive been feeling really shittt? and i was wondering which of the yanderes would be good at dealing with a depressed or suicidal so?

a/n: yooo im so sorry it took me forever to answer this ask but i hope you're feeling better! and, if you're not, have these lovely yanderes to help! also, i placed it under the cut just because of the warnings so heed the warnings and lets get started!

warnings: mentions of gender dysphoria, mentions of sucidal thoughts and ideations, mentions of depression, mentions of conservative opinion/thoughts, mentions of suicide attempts

gawain dubhán byrne ★ profile

Gawain knew exactly how that felt. In fact, he’d been in the same position as you. There was a time where he was in the wrong body and it made him want to tear himself apart. He dreaded waking up in the morning, all he wanted to do was fall asleep and just never have to deal with anything ever again.

That being said, because of his unique circumstance, he knew kind of what to do. He’d been to therapists and doctors, he knew the breathing techniques and the journaling methods, he knew kind of how to talk you through depressive episodes; he’d take care of you as best as he can.

Actually, Gawain would be the type to take care of you even to the detriment of his own mental health. 

If he hasn’t kidnapped you and trapped you in his expensive penthouse, he definitely would now. He has no choice. He couldn't risk leaving you to your own devices! Nobody knew better than him that you can’t fix mentally ill people immediately. A lot of suicides are impulsive.

So, he'd need to trap you in his house. He’d call his brother over if he needs someone to babysit you but, basically, until he deems you well enough to be left alone, the two of you are attached at the hip. He would totally spoon feed you, he’d bathe you, he’d tuck you in; literally becomes an annoying caregiving leech.

Part of it is because he’s overprotective and wants to take care of you. The other part of it is that he wanted someone to do that for him when he was depressed and suicidal. He wanted someone to sweep him of his feet, to take care of him so he didn’t have to think about anything else; someone that would just hug him and hold him and coddle him.

So, now, that’s who he is to you. And, if you don’t like it, well… Gawain thinks you’re too depressed and suicidal to really decide anything for yourself.

fujio watanabe ★ profile

Not to burst your bubble but oh my god, Fujio is definitely the type of person to be like Depressed? The fuck? Just go get a job or something, being depressed is for people who have too much time on their hands.

It really is unfortunate but Fujio isn’t going to take you seriously until he has to. 

This means he’ll brush you off until you try to kill yourself, you start hurting yourself physically, you start wasting away because you’re not taking care of yourself, etc. When your health starts being threatened in one way or another, Fujio will explode.

He’s always had a volatile temper and it’s ten times as worse when it comes to his precious darling. Nobody can hurt you, not even yourself.

So, then, he starts talking to people. Not professionals, unfortunately, but like people he knows at work or his boss or people he trains with. It’ll be super stupid, like he just comes out and says it, rolling his eyes like Can you believe this? Being suicidal? Depression? What a load of bullshit, amirite?

Except he’s not right and a lot of people in Lovelock, city notorious for its seedy underbelly, knows it. A lot of people Fujio works with used to be kids that wanted to die rather than continue living their terrible lives with abusive families or with no food on the table. Fujio would definitely be put in his place.

Then he finally understands. He finally realises that this is something he could lose you over. For Fujio, he’d be the type to immediately kidnap his darling so he doubles up on security. He baby proofs your room and you’re not allowed to go outside unless he’s there. 

Before, you kind of just had free reign and he let you do whatever as long as you let him know. Now, privileges are revoked. Not because it’s a punishment but because he’s worried you’ll end up hurting yourself.

He’d also be way nicer and gentler to you. It would surprise him since the main reason he ended up falling in love with you was because he felt like he didn’t need to walk on eggshells around you. But, instead of falling out of love, you encourage this weird feeling of overprotectiveness. All he wants to do now is take care of you.

ayaka yamato ★ profile

What do you mean you want to die? 

Ayaka wouldn’t be able to understand. Of course she wouldn’t. She’s lived a privileged life where, though her father’s a piece of shit, she’s had everything pretty much handed to her for free. Most people either always want to say yes to her or aren’t able to say no. What more could a lady want?

So, if she finds out that you’re depressed or suicidal, she’d panic a little. You’d think she’d be really conservative about it since she grew up in a conservative household. Something along the lines of you’re not depressed, you’re just being a snowflake. 

However, that’s actually the opposite case. Ayaka has never met anyone that’s made her feel the same way you make her feel and, if she has to believe you and do something about it, she will. Anything to keep you by her side.

She just doesn’t know what the fuck you’re talking about at first. So, to learn, she’ll consult her tutor, a doctor, anybody she can find; she’ll learn exactly what she’s supposed to do here, what you need, what she needs to force you to do or what she needs to let you do by yourself.

Surprisingly, for someone who’s never had to lift a single finger her entire life, Ayaka can be relentless and resourceful when she wants to be. She low-key dumps money on the problem which, most of the time, can be a bad idea.

However, with Ayaka, she throws money at the problem with all the love in her heart. She gets you the best therapist money can buy, she makes sure to take you to different places if need be or stay with you in your room if going outside is too much. She makes sure to find out exactly why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and she’ll put a stop to anything threatening your mental health.

(The one thing she won’t stop is bullying you but she definitely controls her tone in a way that makes it clear to you that she’s joking or teasing you. And, if you voice that you didn’t like something she said, unlike a normal darling, she’d definitely apologise and avoid saying it again in the future)

liam anthony arieh ★ profile

Liam is like a mix of Gawain and Fujio. Part of him is like Depression? Aren’t you being a special snowflake? But also part of him is like oh no, I was severely depressed and suicidal once! 

That first part of him comes from the fact that he had nobody to help him when he was depressed. When he wanted to die, the only thing stopping him was the fact that every single time he tried, he ended up in the hospital instead of in the morgue. It took him going through several attempts before he finally got a grip of himself and stopped.

It definitely took him a while to work through his depression and, even now, he sometimes makes suicidal jokes about how funny it would be if he blew his brains out with a gun or if he overdosed, etc. But he doesn’t want to seriously die now and he’s definitely far from depressed.

So, part of him expects you to go through that as well. Part of him thinks that the reason you’re depressed and suicidal is because you’re weak and you just need to get stronger.

However, the other part of him acknowledges that you’re weak. If you’re his darling, most likely the reason why you’ve piqued his interest is because, in his eyes, you are pure and innocent. In his eyes, you needed him to protect you from other people that wanted to do to you the same things he did but for the wrong reasons. 

In any case, his solution is surprisingly not to lock you up (if you aren’t already). He’ll definitely start stalking you hard or assigning employees to start trailing you and making sure you’re okay on days he’s not able to do so himself. He also tries to find a therapist but, specifically, a therapist that doesn’t mind breaking patient privilege. 

He needs control. He needs to be able to manouver you in the exact way he wants and depression? Depression makes you unpredictable. Depression makes it possible for you to be hurt by the one person he can’t completely protect you from: yourself.And he’d be damned if he lets anyone, especially yourself, take away the one good thing in Lovelock.