#because it really is the funniest thing I’ll ever write in my life (and that’s probably sad but I’ll just enjoy it for now)

[starlit-clouds]

This is it. The funniest lines I will ever write. I’ve peaked as an author. There’s no going up or improving on this. It’s all downhill from here.

[tsukkisdinocollection]

Atsumu fluff au where its enemies to lovers ✌💗🤟💗🤟💗🤟 -ur cousin

Not Another Song About Love

⭑Pairing : Atsumu Miya x Reader (Romantic)

⭑ Content Warning(s): Reader is female and uses she/her pronouns, reader is implied to have her hair down, swearing, not proofread

⭑ Word Count : 1k+

⭑ Synopsis : In a "playful" argument with your mortal enemy, he ends up confesses his hidden feelings about you.

⭑ Author's Note : thanks for the request girlie 😜 i'm so uncreative that i keep titling my fics with song names whoops

also shit's lowkey ass i can't write pathetic losers like him for my life but i like 'tsumu

God, you hated him so much.

His stupid dark brown undercut, his stupid droopy eyes, that stupid smug grin on his face–

So how did you end up falling in love with him?

Your “enemyship” – as you called it – started when you two met in 4th grade, and he ended up pushing you off the swing because he wanted to go on the swings with his twin brother. You ended up pushing him off back, and the rest is history.

Honestly, you would have forgiven literally anybody else if they did the same thing when you were younger. But something about his annoying face made you want to punch him. Seems like he had the same thoughts, as he played along with your insults and retorts. After being in the same junior high, you had thought that things would change for the better when you enrolled into Inarizaki.

Boy, were you sorely mistaken.

Because as you locked eyes with the same boy, the same boy who you wished to cut all his hair in his sleep with scissors – your heart dropped. He was too, at least you think he was, because he widened his eyes slightly as he looked at his twin brother and back at you. Then, that stupid smirk on his face that he always had returned.

“I didn’t know you were smart enough to get into this school,” he chuckled. His brother leaned forward to take a look at you, sizing you up before sighing.

“I could say the same thing,” you frowned, folding your arms over your chest.

Atsumu let out a giggle, before stretching his arms. “Well, I have to go to class, dearie,” he mocked. “I’ll see you later.”

You rolled your eyes as he walked off with his brother, fists clenching as your hands returned to your sides.

But that was your first year. Now, you two were in your second year, and it was time for you to…turn a new leaf, perhaps. You were going to apologize to Atsumu for starting an immature “enemyship”, only to end up in another argument with him. Serious or not, you couldn’t tell. You both were just saying what was on your mind – and unfortunately causing a scene in front of the rest of his team.

You don’t even know how this happened. At first, you wanted to apologize, but then you ended up like this.

“Maybe I would’ve confessed to you if you didn’t have such a bitchy personality–” he started, eyebrows furrowing. After he spoke, he widened his eyes, slapping a hand over his mouth.

You were about to come up with a smart response when you processed his words.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Shut up!”

One of his teammates seemed to be recording the conversation on his phone shamelessly. You don’t know any of his teammates’ names except for Osamu, but honestly, you couldn’t really care less at that moment. Yet from the corner of your eye, you saw him smirk ever so slightly as he held his phone up.

You blinked, taken aback for a moment before bursting into laughter. Atsumu whipped his head around the room, the tips of his ears turning red like his cheeks.

“Stop laughing!” he whined, prideful composure lost. He didn’t even remember that half his teammates were watching, and one was recording.

Yet you didn’t stop, continuing to laugh like he had just said the funniest joke in the world. Well, in your eyes, he did.

“No way you’re serious!” you said in between laughs.

As you calmed down, you looked at Atsumu, smile faltering as you noticed how he blushed profusely, and crescent marks began to form on his palms from how tightly he clenched his fists.

“Oh.”

You mumbled, expression falling. You froze in place, face blank.

“Agh!” the blonde cried out. “You’re so mean!”

He suddenly stormed out of the gym, rendering both you and his teammates speechless. In a panic, you ran after him, slamming the gym doors shut.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” one of his teammates asked, leaning closer to Osamu as he whispered in his ear. Osamu shrugged in response.

“He’s been in denial about his feelings towards her for years.”

His teammate only nodded. “You should go after him.”

“Nah. They’ll get through whatever that was themselves.”

As Atsumu ran out the gym, you chased after him, hand reaching out to grab the collar of his jacket and pull him back. Luckily, you managed to grab ahold of his collar, dragging him back and nearly bumping into him in the process. He yelped.

“Hey, what’re you doing!”

He crossed his arms, looking away from you like a child. You sighed softly.

“Do you really like me, ‘Tsumu?”

“I don’t allow you to call me that–”

“Shut up.”

You huffed, leaning in closer to him. Somehow, he turned a brighter shade of red, his complexion similar to a tomato.

“Don’t get so close to me,” he pouted. You fought the urge to roll your eyes at his antics.

“Well? Is it true?”

“Obviously.”

An awkward silence fell upon you two after he spoke. You didn’t know what to say. To be honest, now that his true feelings were revealed, you began thinking about the times you felt your cheeks warm up whenever he came up with some cheesy term of endearment to refer to you as. You knew he didn’t really mean them, but it still caused your heart to feel fuzzy. In a good way, of course. Or, when you couldn’t help attending his matches, using the excuse of “wanting to see his downfall”.

“Hm…I guess I like you too,” you shrugged. His eyes suddenly sparkled as his pout was replaced with a large grin.

“Really!?”

“Maybe.”

He leaped out of your grasp, pulling you closer to embrace him. Your head subconsciously nuzzled against the crook of his shoulder, a sigh escaping your lips as he smiled brightly.

“Soooo,” he began. “Are we enemies still?”

“If you wanna be,” you replied.

“...nah,” he stroked your hair softly, fingers combing through your locks.

“I think I’d like to call you my girlfriend, though.”

[saltofmercury]

hi may i please request a könig fluff please? this week has been the hardest for me to get through and its only wednesday, i just wanna be comforted by your writing ˙◠˙

Something is definitely in the sky right now and I don't want to go all astrology but it's weighing heavily on me too! I hope you ended the week on a better note than me, I hope this week goes great for you and you find five dollars or they pay for your coffee :)

Here's something that has been sitting in my drafts forever and I hope it delivers!

"Notes"

His face turned red, it had scrunched, crinkled forming in the corners of his eyes, his brows pushed together. His huge body was bent over, holding his stomach, he had been wheezing for a while now. He had been laughing nonstop. Breathless, small attempts at inhales, but he couldn’t get anything out.

“Say it again, say it again please.”

You had sucked in your cheeks, your face a couple shades redder than him, baffled by what you said. It wasn’t that funny. However König took it as a punch line.

You had been riding in the car ride back from the errands you two had accomplished this wonderful Saturday morning. He had just got back from a mission, and needed to go get honey. It had been a great morning, walking around the farmers market just you two in your own world.

After mentally checking your list in your head about what you guys had to stop and do, you reminded him that he had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up his inhaler. He had thanked you, busting a u-turn in the intersection.

“Goodness schatz I almost forgot.”

“I have a pornographic memory you know.”

You shifted in your seat, your eyes bulging out of your sockets, the warmth of embarrassment crawling up your cheeks.

He had snorted, then started laughing so hard that he almost swerved into the other lane. 

“Pornographic?” he had wheezed out of his mouth, tears streaming down his face.

He pulled into the pharmacy, parked in the space, and held his stomach with both hands.

“Schatz I swear to god, what is wrong with you?” He wiped the tears from his eyes.

He got out of the car and then began to walk in, his boisterous laugh echoing from the entrance of the store.

You sat in the car, mortified that you had said that out loud. Ever since he got back from his mission it seemed like you had spoken too fast, or your mouth wanted to speak but your brain had missed three steps and you fumbled what you wanted to say.

He walked back outside, laughing still, jugging his inhaler, sour peach rings, and condoms.

He stepped inside the car, physically making the car dip. Turning towards you, he said

“Here I got you candies, and condoms for your pornographic mind later.”

The entire car ride home seemed as if it was the funniest thing you said.

“Alright I get it! It wasn’t that funny!”

“You’ve got porno on your brain, and you expect me not to laugh?”

As you arrived home, he carried the bags inside as you rushed to the bathroom.

You came out of the bathroom and he had been typing on his phone. Being afraid he was being pulled out of your life again, you carefully asked him.

“Are you being taken away again?”

He peered up from the phone, with a confused face.

“What?”

You fiddled with your flannel and asked again, 

“Are they taking you again? On a mission?”

“No schatzi I just got back” He put his arm around you, crushing you, then leaned down to kiss you. 

“Oh, I just thought, because you never touch your phone.”

It was one thing that König left behind. His phone. He had never brought it on missions, telling you to hold onto it. It was on the rare occasion he was treated to a safe base hosted by the military, that he brought it with him. 

You never peeked at his phone, not that you needed to, König was an open book with you about everything except his job.

But you couldn’t help the ugly thoughts that crept up into your stomach. Almost as if he sensed it he came to reassure you.

“If you really want to know, I’ll tell you,”

He had opened up the notes app on the phone and then bit his lip.

“I… uh.. I write down funny things you say on this note.”

He passed the phone to you and then proceeded to sit down at the table, pulling you to his lap as you went down the list.

The list was long, some things you remembered saying, other times you did not remember saying these things at all.

You peered at him,

“Why do you have these written down?” You felt like it was a little bit personal, him keeping a list of embarrassing things you said.

He sensed how protective you were, and then sheepishly admitted,

“When I’m on base and I miss you, I open this list up and I… uh”

He had rubbed a hand over his hair, embarrassed that he had shown you the list.

“I just read over these things and I remember what I get to come home to.”

He took the phone from you and then started smiling.

“You remembered that time I baked a pie and you had come home from work and said,

‘can I finger this?’”

You blushed, the warm apple pie he had baked had been overfilled, gooing, and oozing cinnamon and apples in the middle and you couldn’t contain your mouth watering.

“I was hungry.”

“Your mind is too sexual, why would you finger a pie?”

You had blushed even more, remembering that you really wanted to just swipe the top of the pie with your finger, however your brain had lost translation with your tongue, making you say something else instead.

“This one is really funny, remember when I asked you to read aloud the board game instructions?”

“No?”

“You had said this is the epi-tohm of fun… but it was really.. the epitome of fun?”

You laughed at this one. 

“SHUT UP! English is hard!” you said.

“What about the time that we made burgers and you said wash your sister sauce instead of worcestershire sauce?”

“That I can’t take responsibility for that one…” you had remembered seeing that on a video, thinking it was much easier than saying ‘worcestershire’ sauce.

“Either way, I love how your brain works sometimes.”

Admiration in his eyes, his mouth had been curved on both ends, happy, giddy even, sharing these moments he had kept of you on his phone. 

“There are times you talk in your sleep, you argue with the honey lady at the farmers market.”

You knew you had talked in your sleep, your family and friends telling you that they sometimes had conversations with you unconsciously. König never brought it up though. He never once mentioned you talking in your sleep.

“What do I say?”

He had let out a small laugh, and then said 

“You always tell her to please sell you the one with the honeycomb inside, it’s for your boyfriend.”

The last word he had said it to tease you, make you blush, but the way his smile had peaked on his face, was the only indication of how much he liked the sound of it too. Though he would never admit it to you. The two of you smiling at one another made him realize how much he missed home, how much he loved talking to you while sleeping, and hearing you say things you never second guessed to say. He always knows he never second guessed with you either.

[rondo-grazioso]

some math professor quotes

I just remembered about this draft post i made years ago during a semester when i had maybe the funniest professors ever. I guess now that it’s been a while since i’ve been out of uni it’d be fun to just post these 

Algebra

it’s ok that i’m confused, i’m confused all the time

you can teach a monkey to memorize…well, nothing against monkeys, monkeys are amazing

pray that this is an isomorphism

(TA after realizing mistake) oh noooooo….all the other students….i told them the wrong thing…aaah shit

wow…spontaneous silence

can they smurf better

if you look at the solutions after trying a question only once or twice, it will break my heart

last-minute cramming will be about as useful as bringing your dog to the exam

Calculus

this fucker converges

(every time he writes a complicated equation) what the fuuuuu

fuck the one

you know what bfc stands for? big fuckin cube

mathematics is serious!! we don’t like laughter. no laughter allowed. stop laughing. even smiling is not allowed

(someone’s phone goes off) what was that? probably me

(some weird noise coming from outside) what was that? god is that you

e^x is god’s function. lnx is the devil’s function

*comes in talking in a russian accent*

if you don’t know what the dot product is then…you’re fucked 

(after telling a story about experience working in a mental asylum) you may think i’m insane, but you haven’t seen what insane really is!! i’m perfectly normal 

Analysis

½ is less than 1…somehow

oh, 5 minutes left…well, i don’t really have anything else i want to cover. actually maybe i’ll just write a definition *(whole class goes NOOOOO)* okayyy

(finding out there is 15 minutes left of class) oh wow. i thought this would’ve taken me more time to get through

(after playing around with some faulty blackboards) i’m scared for my life now 

(after being stuck on his own proof) i’m going to take a quick look at my notes, which is already pretty embarrassing 

(after making a gajillion mistakes on the board) i really need to learn to read before i talk 

what do you call this in canada

(TA) *coughs* sorry i’m dying 

(TA) somebody on the midterm wrote “i’m dumb” on this question. that’s pretty irrelevant because i’m dumb and i can do this question 

[nczaversnick]

Mega OC Questionnaire

Got this tag from @the-golden-comet

Wasn’t sure who should answer this but I realized I haven’t done much with Caspian so here we go

Five things that make you happy:

“Oh five things? I guess Adrian, Faith of course. I like helping people and fighting with the rebels. Oh! I love ramen too.”

If you could save just one other person who would it be?

*cue Caspian strangling N.C. with his bare hands* Sorry guys this one is major spoilers

Tell us one of your funniest jokes:

“Oh cmon I’m not the funny one in his group. Most I can do is tease Audrey about her affairs with senior staff”

Where would you like to visit?

“If Quinn ever finds their people, I’d love to visit them. Utristan is great and all but I want to see what else is out there.”

When do you usually go to sleep?

“When I was a student, I went to sleep when I was done working. Nowadays I don’t go to sleep until Adrian comes back from his recon missions”

Are you a jealous person?

“I….dont want to answer this”

Have you committed a crime?

“Kinda hard not to when the system is designed to arrest you.”

Do you have a chore you usually hate?

“I mean nobody loves chores. But almost all the work I do is in my proffered field so it’s not really a chore…. But I hate practicing with firearms. It’s brings up unpleasant memories.”

Tell me an embarrassing childhood story

Athena: “Hell I’ll tell you an embarrassing story about him. When we were kids he once kidnapped a baby chick from the class project. He said he didn’t want it to live somewhere without air conditioning”

Are you a good person?

“I mean, I think so? Adrian once said that he looks up to me because of how kind I am but…I think he’s exaggerating”

“When have I ever exaggerated?”

What’s the worst thing you have ever done? Do you regret it?

“Of course I do. But it doesn’t matter now. All I can do is do everything I can not to be in that position again.”

What’s the quickest way to make you laugh?

“When Adrian asks about multi syllabic words. I know he’s still learning and I know it comes off mean but it’s so cute… I just can’t help it.”

What is your favorite song right now?

“Achilles Come Down”

Do you sometimes wish to be someone else?

“Only in the sense that I know I am not my best possible self. Tomorrow might be different.”

Do you push forward or take time to rest?

“Oh I’ve always been a push forward guy. But meeting Adrian changed that. That guy never stops moving and it’s hard to ignore it when you’ve seen what it looks like.”

What is your favorite drink?

“I’ve always been a big fan of green tea.”

If you had to pick an item of clothing or accessory to wear for the rest of your life what would it be?

“I’m legally required to say my wedding band.”

If you were forced to forget one memory, what would you choose?

“As if you really need to ask. I’d forget the day he died.”

What is a positive thing your worst enemy would say about you?

“Knowing Lucia she’d call me good bait. She really only cares about putting Adrian down and he’d do anything to save me.”

Tags for writing games (comment to be -\+)

@honeybewrites @wyked-ao3 @kittrrrr @zackprincebooks @theverumproject @fractured-shield @poppycat-writes @illarian-rambling @finickyfelix @kuebiko-writing @yourpenpaldee @willtheweaver @the-letterbox-archives @moltenwrites @davycoquette @drchenquill @leahnardo-da-veggie +open tag

[eldrigeonsss]

I just made it back from Portland last night, and the post-con depression do be hittin a bit, but I got things to say, and people to say it to!!!!! So without further ado,

To my crew,

Thank you all so much for giving me legitimately the most fun convention I have ever been to, and the best birthday I’ve ever had. I could never have asked for a better crew and family. I’m sad we all have to return to our little corners of the world, but I am excited to see you all again. Because this is not goodbye, you’re stuck with me now. We’ll see each other again, be it in a year or whenever, it’s only a matter of time! I love you all dearly!!!

Ollie, ( @crypticcoffe )

To the small boy we keep on our ship (or rather in our hearts), thank you so much for being such a wonderful person. You are family, through and through, and I am so grateful that you made the decision to come to Kumo and hang out with us! It was so much fun, and I cherish every single memory we made together, and I look forward to the next year!! (Fingers crossed for the madoka magica cosplay group!) Thank you for making me feel wanted every single day, even with something as simple as a good morning and a good night. You don’t know just how much even that means to me. I want to repay that kindness someday, make sure you know just how important you are to all of us, no matter what. You’re family, and I keep saying it, but it’s just as true as the first time I said it. I’m so glad you accidentally joined the discord server, because it’s lead to probably the greatest group of people I could ever hope to know. It would never be the same without you, and I’m so glad you stuck around and hung o it with us. Love you, Ols! /p Can’t wait to keep making ridiculous memories with you!

Fish, ( @aquaticgoblinking )

You are legit one of the funniest people I know, even when we first started interacting there was just something to you that screamed that you were the king of comedy. I’m still studying the Atlantean alphabet diligently, the world is not ready for the day that I can just write it without a guide. You are such an integral part of our crew, you breathe life into it and inspire others even when you don’t mean to. By the way, that book you made me is going to be something I cherish forever, I’m probably going to end up filling it up pretty quickly, but I’ll be figuring out ways to make it last! I’ll be sure to bring it to Kumo next year and if you end up coming I’ll show you all the silly stuff I drew :3. Btw, I’m so so so happy you came to Kumo, I know we weren’t sure if it was gonna happen, but I hope you had a good time! Excited to get our silly crew together again soon!! I love our family, every single silly part of it.

Syren ( @sisiren )

To my Jay Ferin, my silly brain-linked buddy. I really don’t know what qualifies someone as a best friend, but I do know you’re like number one in terms of friends in my books! To think we only met one year ago, by complete chance, and soon we’re gonna be able to hang out so much more often!! You’re such a kind, understanding person, it makes my heart hurt. On that same point, GOD, do you know how to break hearts with your writing. Literally, if anyone ever wants their fucking emotions torn out and scattered like dandelion seeds, just read literally anything this absolute demon of a person has come up with. It’s harrowing. That aside, I cannot imagine a life without you in it. I can barely imagine life before you were there, it’s so funny. I joke about you me and Ti being albatrio, but I truly think we’re just all meant to exist together. Something deep inside of me knows that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. We’ve talked a lot about fate and destiny, and not to sound super sentimental or anything, but with the little bracelet you got us sitting on my wrist, I can’t help but think. I think you two are my destiny.

Idk, that’s probably cheesy as hell. Still, I can’t wait to go skydiving with you, and celebrate your birthday like it’s the end of the world, and drag you out to experience every single thing life has to offer. See you soon, Sy!!

Tigers, ( @tigers1o1 )

Not to be gay, buuuuut.

I miss you, so much. It’s been a day, and I already miss hearing your laugh and leaning up against you and being able to reach over and touch you and just know that you’re there. We can call, of course, but I am counting down the days until I can see you next. I’ve actually started using a calendar, since I’ve started talking to you in full, which is hilarious. If you were to tell me two months ago that I would be staying up every night falling asleep on call, counting days like an advent calendar I would probably call you crazy, because why would anyone ever spend that much time with another person, especially when they are so far away??

Yeah, I get it now. A lot of things make sense now. Like why people are made with an inherent sense of yearning, a need to find that other half, that missing piece. Why completionists exist, why someone would spend their entire lives searching just for an inkling of a feeling. Freight train, am I right?

You and Sy are people I feel like I’ve known my whole life, despite only really being aware of each other for such a short amount of time. I don’t feel like the small time period takes away from our closeness, though, which is funny. Like it wouldn’t matter if we’ve known each other years or months or days, as long as we know each other. That’s all that matters. All that matters is that we’re connected, by whatever force or coincidence.

If you end up moving to Portland, that’ll be so damn funny. I definitely won’t be bouncing off the walls and running victory laps or anything ahah. It’s weird, to be so aware of one’s own loneliness, but to also be fine with it, because I know it will be filled when I get to see you next. Because I made an oath, and I intend to keep it, extra forever.

Okokok that’s the end of my spiel. Well, also, to Ollie’s dad, and to Fish’s sibling thing, thank you so much for joining us for Kumo as well!! To Nick who officiated the fish and chips wedding, thanks a million! To my sister, who was eternally our biggest hater, keep it up, your hatred only fuels us (/aff). And to that random dude on the street who offered me and Ti his blanket to dry off a bench while waiting for a train, I hope your days are filled with warmth and your belly is always full. Also to the black ops larper who stopped me in a market to talk about the government, hope ur doing alright king.

NOW IM DONE!!! HERE, SOME PHOTOS

[cyberphuck]

Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged: Part One

EDIT: Tumblr randomly swallowed like 500 words in the middle of this, so I've added that back in.

I am finally embarking on my long-threatened project to summarize all of the Farseer Trilogy for my friend Razz so they can understand my shitposts about it but don’t actually have to read it. I started with this post about the cast of characters in the first book.

This is being broken up into sections because the trilogy and AA in particular (as well as Royal Assassin... whew, that one’s gonna be hard) is so insanely long and complex.

And now, Ladies and Gentlequeers, AA Abridged: Part One.

We open on the narrator musing both about writing a history of the Six Duchies (but being unable to because every time he tries it turns into a salty rant about everything bad that's ever happened to him) and also about how very old and decrepit he is. He is hunched over his writing desk, his fingers gnarled and knuckly, literally crumbling away like a Thanos-snapped MCU character as he sorrowfully attempts to make some record of the long and storied life he's lived before he lapses into the sweet void of death.

Fitz is 35.

"I bet you're wondering how I got here," Fitz writes. "It all began when I was born. Neither of my parents bothered to show up."

Actually, the curtain opens on Fitz as a six year old, being hauled up to the front doors of a fort by a cranky older man. "Surely you must have memories of your childhood before six," someone in the audience asks, but Fitz replies "No, I definitely don't, I never did and I'm tired of you asking me that." It never really becomes super important what he was doing before he was six, unless you count the time where he was traveling from the King-In-Waiting's ballsack to the sweet hot vagina of Some Lady He Never Spoke To Again.

Fitz is scooped up and brought inside the fort, and presented to Prince Verity. You'd think Verity would be at least a little upset that his older brother has muddied the line of succession with his long-ago nut, but Verity acts as if Fitz's existence is the funniest thing he's ever seen. "Yep, looks just like him," Verity confirms, then instructs a soldier to bring Fitz to Burrich.

That's right, the cranky old man hammers on the front door, waits for someone to open it, says "this is Prince Chivalry's kid and I'm tired of dealing with him," and then walks off. Despite this, Fitz never develops any abandonment issues and only has healthy and honest relationships with people for the rest of his life.

"Those are all the memories I have of that fort," Fitz writes, "except for that one night that Prince Verity, Burrich, and Prince Regal stood and looked in on me in the stall and Regal complained that I was muddying the line of succession."

Burrich does not think this situation is as funny as Verity did.

But he's honest and loyal, so he sighs and says "C'mon, Lil Accident, I'll find a place for you to sleep." That place is in a horse stall with Vixen, the hound dog, and Nosy, her pup. Burrich looks down at all of them, mutters "Patience is gonna have a fucking aneurysm" and then walks off.

After a couple of weeks, Burrich puts Lil Accident on a horse behind him and they ride away from Moonseye and towards Buckkeep. During this time, offstage, Fitz's father Chivalry gets word of his appearance and does the only sensible and logical thing, which is to ollie out the window while flipping everyone off and yelling "GOOD LUCK FIGURING THIS ONE OUT, LOSERS!" He abdicates and retires to a farm with his weirdo wife, which pisses off basically everyone.

Burrich and Fitz arrive at Buckkeep, the capital of the Six Duchies, a tall castle on a hill overlooking the ocean. Burrich is the stablemaster, in charge of all the critters large and small at the keep. He'd also been Chivalry's right hand man until he'd jumped in front of a boar to keep it from killing the Prince and fucked up his leg. Burrich comes home to Buckkeep with a bad leg and a six year old bastard to find that his bestie has just fucking peaced out without saying anything to him. He's kind of having a bad day. He hands Fitz off to stableboy Cobb, who leads him and pup Nosy to the kitchens to get something to eat.

Cobb sits FItz-and-Nosy just outside the kitchens and goes inside for delicious pie. A burly man walks by Fitz, does a double-take, then points and yells, "Hey everyone! It's Chivalry's Bastard!"

Fitz shrinks down.

"I heard you don't even have a name!" Burly man hollers, then gets right up in Fitz's face. "Is that true, tiny and defenseless six year old boy that I'm accosting? You don't have a name?"

Fitz yells "NOOOOOO" and, like a tiny, dirty Jedi master, force-shoves the man onto his ass. The crowd, assuming that the dude was just a coward who couldn't handle being yelled at by a toddler, has a laugh and carries on with their tasks. Fitz gets up and he and Nosy run away and spend all day hiding in a hole.

Burrich does eventually find him, and with a hearty "what the fuck you can't just burrow underneath the shed, get out of there," returns him to the stables, where his new home is Burrich's little bachelor pad above the stalls. In the days and weeks that follow, Fitz wakes up, eats breakfast, and immediately escapes the keep to go down to the town and run around with a bunch of street kids.

Fitz doesn't say much but he's game for anything and he has a dog, so he's accepted into the gang as "Newboy." He and his new friends generally just run around making trouble, stealing food, and bothering people. One of the notables in the bunch is Molly Nosebleed, called that because she always looks like someone just got done beating the shit out of her. Wholesome!

One sunny day, Fitz, Molly and Nosy are on the rocks near the beach looking for sheel to eat. I have no idea what sheel is and neither does Google. Then Molly's dad shows up to hit her with a stick to teach her a lesson about having a drunk, violent dad.

Alarmed, Fitz force-shoves Molly's dad into the sand. Molly immediately freaks out and struggles to get dad back on his feet to stagger back to their candle-making shop (or chandlery if you're feeling fancy). Fitz is confused at the intricacies of abusive relationships, but relieved that no one yet knows that he has force-shoving powers.

Aside from his brief encounter with childhood trauma, everything is going great for Fitz. Then one day, while he and his fellow urchins (and Nosy) are running from a dude whose sausages they just stole, Fitz runs right the fuck into Burrich.

"You get your butt right back up to the castle, young man," Burrich says, dragging Fitz along by his ear. "And if I EVER find out you've been down in town hanging out with someone again, I will personally have sex with them a bunch of times," he added foreshadowingly.

"I don't have to do what you say," Fitz barks.

"Bark," says Nosy.

Burrich's eyes narrow. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asks.

"I don't really know numbers," says Fitz.

"Bark," says Nosy.

"Nosy says that's three," Fitz translates.

"Alrighty then, no more puppy for you, the puppy is going to live on a farm upstate," Burrich says. He drags the puppy outside.

Presumably something cool happens to it.

So now instead of slumming around Buckkeep Town, Fitz spends his days following Burrich around and being taught how to manage horses and dogs but not birds because birds apparently hate bastards. Fitz is careful not to let Burrich see him being friendly with any animals.

One day, Fitz is sitting underneath a table in the Great Hall, being friendly with a bunch of puppies. It's the morning after a party and there's plenty of leftover food to be had, and he's happily stuffing pies down his shirt and sharing pieces with the pups. Then he hears footsteps and who should show up but KING SHREWD!

Shrewd is technically Fitz's grandfather but has never really spoken to him. He's walking along with Prince Regal (*crowd boos*) and the king's new fool, a weirdo albino child who's just cartwheeling along behind them.

Fitz goes "hmm, time to bounce" and crawls out from under the table. Shrewd stops to look at him. "Ah, the Little Accident," he says. "If you leave weapons laying around, someone will eventually pick them up and stab you with them."

"What?" says Regal.

"What?" says Fitz.

"I am not going to leave you laying around for someone else to kill me with," Shrewd says. "Lil Accident, take this pin. I am going to to feed you, train you, house you and clothe you. If anyone's got shit to say about it, show them this pin. It means you belong to me."

"...Okay, sure," Fitz shrugs. He puts the pin into the collar of his shirt. Shrewd nods magnanimously and walks on. Regal flips him off. The Fool cartwheels out the door as they leave.

That night, Fitz goes home to Burrich's bachelor pad, but Burrich turns him right back around. "You done gone and did it now," he says. "King Shrewd noticed you and now you're gonna have to go live inside the castle like a fancy lad. Go on."

"But despite my fear and resentment of you, I see you as a protector and father figure," Fitz says.

"Oh little boy who blew up my life, I love and resent you too," Burrich assures him. "If you get lonely, you can come back down here and I'll murder another puppy for you."

Fitz trudges up to the castle. He has a room of his own. There's a fucking weird tapestry on the wall of the ancient King Wisdom consorting with... what is that thing? Slenderman? It's creepy.

Weeks go by. Fitz is kept busy with new lessons in reading and writing and 'rithmetic, as well as swordery. Once in a very long while, he makes the trip back down to the town to visit his buddies, but those trips become fewer and farther between.

It's the middle of the night.

Fitz wakes up to a draft and a light in his face. There's an old man at the foot of his bed, holding up a lantern. "Come with me," the old man says.

"Oh," Fitz yawns, getting out of bed. "It's the call to adventure."

The old man leads Fitz to a doorway in the wall that hadn't been there before. This is where the draft was coming from-- a steep staircase leading up between walls. Old man leads Fitz up a maze of passageways and then finally to a huge hidden room with all the amenities a crazy old wall-man could want, like a fireplace and comfy chairs and a big bed and a library and a science lab.

Also, the old looks like he took a hot frying pan to the face. Like he really looks like hell.

"Wrow," Fitz says.

"Wrow indeed, boy," the old man agrees. "My name is Chade. I bet I look familiar to you. Well it's because I'm King Shrewd's brother and I blah blah blah I have a weasel named Slink. Next you're going to ask what the fuck happened to my face. I can tell everything you're thinking, because I'm a master spy and assassin and-- now this part you should take to heart-- I am always right about everything. Never doubt me."

"Okay," Fitz says.

"Good. That out of the way, let's train you to kill people."

[serendipnpipity]

#WADGALA Meetup

Hello, internet! My name is [Ser]. (lol sorry, Dan...)

I started watching Dan (and Phil) in spring 2018, lucky enough to catch the last PINOF and the start of the hiatus (whoops). Back then, I didn’t realize how much these two random British YouTubers would impact my life, but I knew they were a source of comfort and could make me smile on bad days. None of my friends knew about them at all, but I remember one sleepover, making my best friend huddle around my tiny iPhone 5S to watch “My Bahamas Travel Disaster” at 3am because it was the funniest thing in the world. The joy it brought me had to be shared. I still think about it every time I go through the TSA. 

And maybe there was something about Dan’s airport mishaps that really spoke to me, or maybe it’s just his knack for engaging storytelling that also made “I Nearly Blinded Myself” cement itself into my brain as *the* standard for narrative construction. The amount of times that goddamn pistachio muffin has crossed my mind while writing college essays, applications, even my own stories, because goodness that’s clever usage of a narrative callback for closure. (Side note: the pipeline from trying a pistachio muffin to loving anything pistachio flavored ever now is very, very real. Anyway.) Through that video and countless others, the hot mess of my existence looked less like the end of the world (ha) and more like a trove of stories worth laughing about and learning from. I could safely store my embarrassing memories in a drawer for later instead of locking them in a box and throwing away the key.

Of course, speaking of locked-up secrets in boxes, I could go on for quite a long time about how much BIG and June 2019 healed the baby queer kid just barely starting to allow others to see and accept her… but a lot of us have been on similar journeys, so I’ll spare you the extra ten pages. I will say that it will forever be funny to me that Dan came out almost exactly a month after I came out to my mom, though. That definitely made me feel less alone.

Fast forward five years later, I’m still here. Lucky enough to coincidentally hop back onto tumblr on the day of the great gaming channel comeback after a year of being away and just in time to watch We’re All Doomed with all of you! All those years ago, I didn’t realize two random British YouTubers could have such an impact my life. But looking at all this…

I’m so glad they did. 

Thank you, @danielhowell!!! Joke all you want about consistent uploading schedules, you have literally been a constant in my life since I was thirteen. I've never met you, yet somehow you've made me smile again during some of the roughest times of my life, and isn't that pretty darn amazing? I hope you know how much you've impacted the world, 'cause you've surely impacted mine. Thank you for that.

[ineffable-rohese]

Sounds like "Rose"

New pinned post! Cause some stuff needs updated. :)

Demographic info: Mid 40s white fat queer poly pagan genderfluid transmasc human living in the wet corner of North America. The genderfluid thing is newly realized and shiny and I’m sure I’ll be talking about it often over the next... while.

Personal (public facing): I'm an Aziraphale-coded hobbit. Like, so cozy and wholesome you might want to puke. I rewatch just the first disc of the LOTR extended edition because I love the Shire so much. I drink Earl Grey with milk and one sugar. (Or a good scotch, cause every Aziraphale needs a little bit of Crowley inside them, right Sheenie?) Outside of fic, I read mainly historical fiction, especially anything set in (actual, not fantasy) medieval Europe and I was at one point a medieval music history nerd. I wear cozy sweaters. I love rain on ferns and April flowers. I make soup with things I've tended and harvested. I work a Wholesome AF job. I unironically hug trees. I'm in love with the world.

Personal (in private): I'm kinky and loving it. I'm primarily a Sensual Sadist with a significant Dominant streak. I often play as a Panther. I love consensual violence, and get great joy from hurting people who want me to hurt them. 

Fandoms: I fell in love with Good Omens in 2000 when a college roommate gave it to me. It was genuinely the funniest, greatest thing I had ever read, and I evangelized about it to anyone who would listen. S1 of the show immediately became a comfort show, and it got me through a time of massive loss and upheaval. I put it on when everything was too hard and I needed something that made me feel like it would be OK. S2 - well we're all here still, aren't we? It dropped when I desperately needed One Good Thing for my brain to latch on to as I got through some intense pressure, and boy howdy did it lodge itself in me. (I’m deeply upset about NG’s actions, but I’m also not about to throw away something so personally meaningful because one asshole involved made some really shitty choices.)

Other fandoms in roughly chronological order: Star Wars (original trilogy made me a child nerd), X-Files (first real social fandom, and intro to fanfic!), Buffy/Angel/Firefly, LOTR, Doctor Who, Torchwood (the only other show I've been driven to write fic for). OFMD and WWDITS are great fun, though not obsessions. Any of these and more might show up.

My Writing: Writing Index Here I’ve written nearly 100K of fic in the past year! My writing signatures are vivid sensory descriptions and kinky smut. Some angst, some fluff, some really dark stuff. My Ineffables tend to be deeply in love but also kinda fucked up in their own special ways. I’m still writing, a bit slowly at the moment due to Life, but there’s some great stuff in my docs I can’t wait to share when it’s ready.

What I post/don’t post: This is my fun space filled with things that I find interesting and/or bring me joy. Expect lots of Good Omens, GO Extended Universe (aka anything Tennant and/or Sheen), queer and kink-related content, other fandom things, my writing including NSFW snippets (below a cut if I remember), fat/body positivity, cats, nature awesomeness, things that make me laugh. Posts I write off the cuff as I wake up in the morning seem to be the ones that get shared, for some reason. I almost never post about current events unless it’s good news. The world is full of fear and despair; I try to keep this space one of hope and joy. There will be NSFW content on the regular (because kink, sex, and other such adult activities are a joy for me), so if you’re uncomfortable with that, I’m not the person to follow.

Tags: Honestly, I’m inconsistent about tags so please don’t rely on my tags for your safety. I do try to spoiler tag things if it’s close to when something comes out, but other than you’re at the whims of my ADHD.

Yay! I bring back my cats as a gift for reading all of this.

[lizisshortforlizard]

Living Dangerously - Chapter 29

Jurassic Park’s animal handlers: none of them ever mentioned by name in Michael Crichton’s original novel. Who were they? What were their lives like on Isla Nublar? Did any of them survive the disaster?

A year in the life of those responsible for the care of the dinosaurs. Many people would kill to have their jobs.

But would they die for it?

Jurassic Park novel/Jurassic Park film (1993)

Viewpoint: 3rd person female oc

Warnings: ready to have your heart ripped out?

Tagging: @heresthefanfiction @ocappreciation @wordspin-shares @howlingmadlady @arrthurpendragon @themaradwrites @starryeyes2000 @kmc1989 (please lmk if you would like informed of my sporadic updates)

Read on Ao3

Chapter 28 | Chapter 30

Living After Midnight - Judas Priest

Over the constant hum and buzz of the jungle darkness, never completely silent, Lizzy’s laughter was ringing through the trees, ricocheting around the clearing next to the Rex paddock. 

She had a filthy laugh that Muldoon hadn’t heard before. At hundred per cent volume, totally out of control, with her head thrown all the way back.  It was bloody glorious. 

And he would be attempting to make her do it again, as soon as possible. 

I’ll have more of that please. 

“Christ Almighty-“ Lizzy wiped her streaming eyes. “-that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Well done.” She started cackling breathlessly again, clutching her stomach.

“If I wasn’t awake before that, I certainly was afterwards.”

“I’ll bet.” She wriggled uncomfortably, her ribs were seriously aching. “That was a good one. Got any more?”

“More than we’ve likely got time for.”

The campfire was finally dying. They’d been out in the park for hours, it had to be almost midnight. 

He built me a campfire. Lizzy was practically vibrating with contentment. Not that she couldn’t build her own fire, of course she could, but that wasn’t the point. The gesture was the point, and the fact he had agreed to an open flame amongst trees in the first place. 

Just this once. While there’s nobody here. Those were his exact words. 

Breaking the rules. 

Just this once. 

“We’ve got all the time in the world.” She insisted. “You really should write these down, you know.”

“Maybe someday. If I ever manage to retire. In fact-“ he was struck by an idea. “-you’re a decent writer.”

“Planning on keeping me around that long?”

“I’d like to think so. You have your uses.”

“I’ll take that.” Lizzy worked hard to keep her voice even after the compliment. “But you’d need plenty of photos, or drawings. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always preferred books with pictures.”

Her tone had just enough suggestion for Muldoon to wonder if Baker, despite her promises, had let slip about his own artistic capabilities.

He quickly moved the conversation along before she had too long to dwell on the thought. “You must have a few stories of your own by now?”

Lizzy did indeed have a good one she hadn’t yet shared. Through instinct, she looked around the clearing for eavesdroppers, although they had to be the only two humans for miles and miles, a vast stretch of ocean separating them from the nearest civilisation.  

“On the topic of photographs…I never told anyone outside of the research station because I didn’t want to embarrass Simon.” She rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t matter now, and it’s not like you two will ever meet anyway.”

“Go on.” He caught his grimace just in time at the mention of the ex-fiancé’s name. 

“The first time he came to visit me in Namibia, he was a little, uh-…condescending to the locals in our team-“

Muldoon was familiar with what the swift response from said locals would be, rich white clients tended to all behave in a similar way. It was expected. But that was a whole other collection of tales for the fireside. “I’ll bet that was swiftly resolved.”

“They had some fun with him first. Simon was parading his new Polaroid camera around giving it “magic picture” this and that. I was mortified.”

“Christ-“

“He hasn’t travelled much outside the States.” Lizzy explained. “Or, in fact, outside the state of New York. Anyway, one of my team, proceeds to tell Simon, translated by yours truly, that she prefers the resolution on the Nikon 35mm and also that she had the equipment handy to help Simon clean his dirty lens.”

Muldoon smiled grimly. “You laughed too, I imagine?”

He wondered if it had been as good as the ridiculous laugh he had recently become acquainted with. 

Lizzy had indeed tried and miserably failed to keep a straight face at her partners come-uppance. “I couldn’t help it!”

She recalled the memory. Simon’s face had been hot and red, mortally embarrassed, and he’d stormed off by himself into the long grass. 

A terrible, possibly fatal response. 

Once she’d caught up to him with a shotgun slung over her shoulder, she’d had to sweet-talk him into returning to camp before he stumbled across a big cat, buffalo or even a snake who would really give him something to be upset about.

That hadn’t improved his temper at all, but he had been downright foolish of him to just wander off like he was taking a stroll in Central bloody Park!

Why’d you laugh at me? Are all your friends like this? Do we really have to stay out here with them? What’s wrong with Windhoek?

Windhoek, really? They’re just messing with you!  It’s fine! 

Not fine, Liz! They should apologise!

You’re the one who should apologise! Pembe is the best guide we have and you were damn rude-

And so on. One of many disagreements, and they seemed to be increasing in frequency. 

“Yeah, he didn’t see the funny side at all.” She sniffed. “Was never that great at laughing at himself. Bless him.”  “You need to have a fantastic sense of humour-“ Muldoon’s voice was as dry as if he were telling Lizzy her shoelace was untied. “-to work with things that regularly try to make your life insurance policy pay out before time.”

“Good thing you’re so in tune with your emotions then, eh?” The comment earned her nothing more than a derisive glance as he lowered his slouch hat over his face, and she chuckled again. 

Maybe it was the Towel Incident, or the disastrous cooking attempt that had followed, but the ice was well and truly broken. No going back now. Lizzy felt the most like herself since the breakup. It was so easy, talking to him like this. She was happy. 

They were on opposite sides of the campfire, Lizzy scooched a fraction closer on her blanket so she could see him better through the heat haze. 

Muldoon was on the ground too, stretched out on a blanket of his own. Lizzy wasn’t sure how he seemed to look even taller lying down. She shook her head, trying to chase away the thought of how she’d measure up. 

Lizzy watched him for a long time, thinking to herself in comfortable silence, before speaking again. 

“Tell me about her.”

“Who?”

He’d answered instantly. Of course he was awake under the hat, alert. As always.

“Your wife.” She answered quietly. 

Muldoon hmm-ed for a long moment, Lizzy waiting as patiently as she was able, trying her hardest not to fidget. 

Just when she thought there was no way he was ever going to answer her in this lifetime, he did. 

“You’re not unlike her. Your attitude is-“ Damn. Did it again. He corrected. “-was very similar.”

“You can say ‘is’.” Lizzy told him gently. “Nobody here but me.”

“She cooked much better than you can.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Lizzy muttered. “But, in my defence, I didn’t know food could be any other colour than beige until I left school.” Shuffling where she sat, her legs starting to get pins and needles. “She pretty?”

“Knockout.”

“Wow.” She grinned. “Lucky you.”

“A lot taller than you.” Muldoon added. “Honour is likely going to hit six foot once she’s in high school.”

“Honour?”

“Our daughter.”

“Ah.” It occurred to Lizzy he’d never told her the name of his child before. Or ever used the prefix ‘our’. Always mine. Always my responsibility from now on. No more our. 

It felt like he was divulging a massive secret. Honour. Lizzy rolled it around in her brain. Not a name she would ever have imagined him going for, but she liked it. Rather a lot.

He took the hat from his eyes and looked her up and down. “She’s almost your height already, in fact. Although that wouldn’t be difficult.”

“The diet of beige is to blame. Unfortunately, I’m stunted.”  Not where it counts Muldoon thought. There was a reason he liked walking behind along Dr Armstrong where he could get away with it. The view was spectacular.

He tried very hard to get her quite frankly unfair side profile out of his head before he answered. “We’ll pretend the smoking habit had nothing to do with it, then. Honestly, the pair of you would have gotten along.” It was the truth. His wife, too, loved elephants and had a downright filthy laugh.

“Did Jeff know her?” Lizzy asked, hoping the answer was yes. 

“They were lethal together.”

“Dr Blacklaw has quite excellent taste in women, what can I say?” She made a show of tossing her hair back.  Muldoon found himself wondering if their paths had crossed sooner and he had met Armstrong in Africa, how would he have felt about her? How would she have felt about him? 

Life might have been very different. Maybe he would have turned down the offer from InGen, gone to India instead. He wouldn’t have to be so careful about what he said or did all the time. 

At least the other chap was out of the picture now. Matters were a damn sight better than when she first arrived with that rock on her finger, like a shameless beacon, flashing I’m taken every time the sun caught it at the right angle: You haven’t got a hope in Hell. 

Maybe the universe was capable of working things out for itself, even if it had put him through the metaphorical wringer to get to this point. 

“Has there-…” Lizzy was so relaxed she had forgotten herself, who she worked for, and all her manners. As the question was tumbling from her mouth she realised how inappropriate it was. They were good friends, sure, but working friendships always had their limits.

She was about to cross a very dangerous line. 

“What?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Less of that. It clearly does, or you wouldn’t have said it.”

In a rare occasion, she seemed lost for words.

”Nobody here but me.” He quoted her own words back to her.

“I…don’t know if you’ll like it.” She fumbled. “I was just curious. Nosy. I was being nosy, alright? Sorry.”

“Try me.”

Lizzy knew that tone. I dare you. If you’re brave enough. Deep breath.

“Has there been…anyone since?”

I double dare you.

There followed a very long pause during which Lizzy thought don’t ask why, do not ask why. 

“Why?”

Dammit. 

She couldn’t be the only person on the planet who could see the appeal. More-so now that he’d stopped drinking, Lizzy had an even harder time keeping her thoughts in check. He was looking damn fine recently. 

“Eight years is a long time!” Lizzy sighed and wrung her hands. “And I told you that you wouldn’t like it! Don’t answer. No need.”

“It’s alright.”

Muldoon was in fact very interested to see where this particular conversation was headed.

They could have been back in Kenya, with the campfire and animal calls, though of a different era, still familiar in their nature, all around them. 

If there’s a right time, it’s probably now.

“Nobody significant.” He answered. One or two that didn’t work out. Three or four that had just been stress relief. Nobody that he felt deserved any more of his time or his life, or his daughter’s. Until Armstrong had landed on the island with a bang and instantly began rearranging the natural order, and damn her, questioning the where-why-how of everybloodything. 

Lizzy meanwhile, was wishing she had never brought the subject up. 

And she knew the reason. Not because it was awkward to talk about, strangely enough it wasn’t awkward in the slightest. His answer had been as casual as if she had asked him what the time was, or what the weather was likely to do tomorrow. But the answer she had most wanted to hear, been hoping to hear, no, nobody at all, was way too much to wish for. 

She’d been correct. Eight years was a long time.

Or maybe Lizzy was just a little peeved he’d probably done better in the last eight years being out of a relationship than she had done  being in one until very recently. 

She had to admit the first two years with Simon had been a lot of fun. After that it became less about fun, and more about we’re in the same country, so we’d better do something about it. God, I’m so tired. Are you tired? C’mon, we gotta. At least once. I love you. So tired.

“Anything else in this particular line of questioning, while we’re at it?” He actually sounded amused.

“When…-“ Lizzy started then ground to a halt again. Way too inappropriate.

“When…?”

She just wanted to die there and then.

“Doesn’t matter.” She frowned and deliberately looked away. “Forget it.”

“Were you about to ask ‘when was the last time’?” Muldoon smirked. He knew he was on the money. And seeing the normally confident and bolshy ethologist becoming a little flustered was delightful. “Getting rather personal there, Armstrong.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” She stammered. “None of my business.”

“I honestly don’t mind.” This could work both ways. “We’re adults. I will if you will.”

Curiosity was burning Lizzy’s insides so much that it was manifesting as stomach ache. She had gotten herself into this mess, may as well keep going. She nodded, ignoring  Kathy’s voice in her head warning you’re gonna get in troooouble…

“Remember when the dilophosaur did a number on you? I was away at the time?”

“Huh. So when you said you had a good trip, you meant you had a good trip. I see.” She played with the belt loops on her jeans, reluctant to deliver her side of the deal. 

Muldoon cleared his throat. “Forgetting something, missus?”

“I’ve changed my mind. I don’t like this game.” Lizzy grumbled, only because she was losing. 

“Then don’t give what you can’t take. I’ll have to make a wild guess if you don’t want to say out loud.”

Lizzy mumbled something that he took as affirmative.

“Let’s see, then.” She was shifty-eyed and squirming. Brilliant. “ Didn’t you stop off in the States with your man before you came over here?”

“Well, yeah-“ Lizzy forced herself to get over her self-consciouness. She still had the Spanish dictionary somewhere in her room in the lodge. Regrettably, the only thing Simon had given her before she boarded her flight to Costa Rica. “But if that’s your guess, you’re dead wrong.”

Muldoon looked at her in disbelief. He had so many questions.  What the Hell had the man been playing at?! It was like he wanted to lose her.

“This year at least?” 

“Yes, if you absolutely must know!” Lizzy knew the exact Pantone shade of scarlet she was turning, far beyond pretending it was from the heat of the campfire. “April was a very good month, okay?”

April?! It’s nearly bloody next year now…

Her short temper now seemed incredibly explainable.

”I can hear you thinking.” Lizzy said grumpily, still not looking directly at him. “Not quite the answer you were expecting from someone like me, eh?”

“If that’s true, I can’t help but feel most of your bad moods have a fairly easy fix.”

“Not so easy on a tiny island, where people talk. Our favourite engineer being the main culprit.” She grinned at him. “Or I could follow your example and finally have a good reason to go back to the mainland.”

He didn’t want her to do that at all, actually, but he grudgingly agreed.

She was lying on her side, propped up on an elbow. The size of her waist in comparison to her hips was unreal. Nothing wrong with her khaki shorts, but those damn jeans were doing her some incredible favours.

Lizzy couldn’t stop, though she was wary of feeling upset from finding out more things she didn’t really want to hear. “So, do you really like this person on the mainland?” 

Muldoon chose his words carefully. ”There is someone I’m keen on, yes.”

What the-

“Oh. Yeah, great. Good for you.” It came out more sarcastic than she intended. 

Muldoon nearly laughed. Armstrong wasn’t following him. 

”You know, it’s alright to be jealous.” He couldn’t resist toying with her.

Lizzy’s reaction was explosive. 

”I’m not-“ She practically back snarled at him. “Hm. I’m not jealous!”

Very convincing thought Muldoon. 

No, not jealous. She was fuming. Someone else?! Why was he telling her that? Lizzy really thought he liked her, and now he was interested in someone else? 

”Armstrong…” Please get there faster. I’m not ready to say it yet. 

Boy, did she feel silly when she realised Muldoon was talking about her.

She was the one he was interested in. 

”This person-“ Lizzy was finally on the same wavelength, much to the relief of both of them . “-I’m not sure she’s good enough for you.” 

“Oh, really?”  “I have some questions. Just to be certain.” The delighted grin was threatening to burst forth. She forced a neutral expression.

Keep it together.

“First question: is she pretty?”

“Very.”

“Intelligent?”

“She’s a clever girl, yes.”

“Meek and feeble?”

“Not even a bit. And you know fine that’s not what I would want.” Muldoon gave her that look she knew oh-so-well. “You’re pushing your luck, by the way.”

Lizzy laughed again, the real, uncontrollable laugh, and he finally smiled.

New Year’s Eve, or Hogmanay as she better knew it, had always been more magical than Christmas. No matter how bad things got, the moment the clock struck midnight had the promise of a new beginning, a fresh start. A chance to do better this time around. 

But she knew exactly what would happen this year on Nublar. The spell would break. They would go back to the visitor centre, back to work, and in a few days it would be as if this night had never even happened.

She needed to do something. Before it all ended.

“You alright in there?” He had noticed her smile fading. 

”Fine. Just thinking.”

Muldoon scoffed. 

“I know well enough that fine, very rarely means fine. Especially when it’s coming from you, my girl.” He stared her down. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s just…not fair.” Lizzy became aware she was whining, and hated herself for it.

She didn’t need to elaborate. He knew exactly what she meant. “I agree.”

Why couldn’t we have just met in Africa? 

”I don’t want to go back. Not yet.”

“Neither do I, but we have to, at some point.”

“Why, though?”  Muldoon hesitated, trying to word it as diplomatically as he could, to avoid upsetting her.

“Because there are rules that can’t be broken, and ultimately I’m responsible for your safety.” Damn this whole situation. “That is what it all comes down to.”

“Okay.” She reluctantly agreed. “Let’s go, I suppose.”

It’s not okay, it’s not okay at all.  A part of her had desperately hoped something would happen that night. Conditions were otherwise perfect. They’d likely never have a chance like this again for a long time. 

But it wasn’t meant to be.

Unless…

She had an idea. 

“Fire’s still going.” Lizzy stated flatly. “I’ll sort it out.”   The ground was too hard to kick dirt over it. But she knew Muldoon kept a couple of metal jerry cans in the back of his Jeep. Not InGen protocol, just old habits. 

One was water, one was gas. Labelled of course, but it was pitch black apart from the glowing embers nearby.

Don’t want to get these two mixed up. 

She unscrewed the lid of the first container and got a noseful of fumes. Then checked the second, and bingo, slightly stale water that smelled like the colour green. But it was much heavier than she anticipated, almost full. 

“Ooyah! Son of a bitch!” She’d tried to lift, lost grip, and somehow managed to trap her finger between the two cans with a bang. 

“Everything alright back there?”

“It’s fine, under control!” Lizzy struggled to free herself, cursing under her breath at her own clumsiness. Idiot. “Shitshitshit, come on!”

She eventually succeeded, dousing the remains of the fire with a quiet sizzle and a faint wisp of smoke.

Darkness.

Muldoon hadn’t started the Jeep yet, waiting for her, there wasn’t any light at all in the clearing.  She put the can in its place, then hung back by the tailgate, quiet and still. 

And in three…two…one…

Muldoon didn’t take long to twig that something suspicious was afoot.

”Christ’s sake, Armstrong, don’t do it!” He sounded exasperated. “If you’re planning on playing hide and seek in the dark again, I’m not having it this time.”

She didn’t answer.

If he wasn’t into this, he’d just wait me out.

Lizzy was very quickly proven right.

“I know exactly where you are.” He kept up a stream of expletives in her general direction as he slammed the driver’s door. “I’ve being doing this for years. I’m very good at it.” 

Come get me, then.

Lizzy didn’t even hardly dare breathe, placing her palm over her mouth to stay quiet.  Silence. 

For just a beat too long. 

Hang on, where the Hell is he? 

Lizzy realised she possibly no longer had the upper hand.  A tiny, deliberate, shuffle of gravel under heavy boots right next to her, that made her jump and flatten her body against the taillights with a small thump.

He was close. Much closer than she thought. And she’d just given herself away. 

“Got you.” Muldoon was attempting to sound put out, but he’d enjoyed that, as much was evident in his voice, she could tell. “Too easy.”

”Fair and square, mister. So, what are we going to do next?”

”You’re going to get in the Jeep, and we’re going back to the lodge.”

Lizzy leaned against the rear bumper, making the metal creak underneath her. Just so he knew exactly where she was.

”See, I don’t really feel like getting back in the Jeep right now, isn’t that a kicker?” She hoped the lip-bite was evident in how she coyly spoke. “What are you going to do about that?”

“I will pick you up.” Muldoon threatened. “Employee handbook be damned.” 

“If that’s the case, handbook out the window, then I think you should do more than just ‘pick me up.’” She mimicked. “I’d let you.”

“Lizzy.” Deep, exasperated sigh. “I am using your first name so you know how serious I am. Get in the Jeep.” 

She uttered the two words that she knew ahead of time would be the equivalent of a red rag to the park warden. 

“Make me.”

God, she could feel the annoyance radiating from him. He was bristling. 

But nothing could have prepared her for what happened next. 

Lizzy heard him tapping impatiently on the side panel of the Jeep, it felt like a countdown.

Should I be runni-?

“Right-“ He was fast.

She wasn’t fast enough. 

And really should have ran while she had the chance.

He was making good on his word that he would pick her up, willing or not, employee handbook, workplace code, the unspoken rules all thrown out of the window, never to be seen again. 

Muldoon went straight for her legs, grabbing handfuls of her through her jeans. Damn woman, she would get in the bloody car. 

Lizzy shrieked and flung out her arms, scrabbling for something, anything to grab onto, both hands found and gripped the sides of the Jeep tailgate. 

Muldoon was trying his best to pry her free while she barely clung on for dear life with her fingernails, not unlike a cat that was avoiding being stuffed into a cage and carted off to the veterinary surgery.

She felt the pressure on her legs ease, and thought he’d given up. She started to loosen her fingers on the cool metal. 

Then he found the backs of her knees with both hands, and pulled hard. But Lizzy wasn’t for letting go just yet. She still clung on for dear life like a very determined barnacle. 

“By Christ, you’re strong-“ There was a hint of desperation in Muldoon’s normally measured voice.

That did it.  Lizzy was gone then, she started laughing helplessly at the absurdity of what was happening, what events had led to this moment, and how ridiculous they must look.   She finally lost her grip all at once and slid ungracefully downwards with a thump, accepting defeat, still cackling.

Lizzy just knew Muldoon was shaking his head in exasperation at her in the dark, his accident-prone, walking disaster of an ethologist. 

“Sit up, you bloody lunatic.” But then her entire hand was grasped in his, pulling her upright into a sitting position. “For God’s sake, don’t bang your head. It might knock some sense into you, but I don’t fancy the paperwork.”

”It’s far too late for me.” Lizzy tried to catch her breath. “Would need to be one Hell of a bang.”

Realising the connotations too late, she snorted and muttered sorry as she tried to reason with her hair, patting it back into a more respectable shape.  

She felt two fingers under her chin, tilting her face upwards and she tensed, her breath caught in her throat.  “What am I going to do with you, Lizzy?”

The question was absolutely loaded.

”Anything you like.” She impulsively answered in a low voice.

She was euphoric, riding the high that had been building since the moment she stepped down out of the Jeep into the clearing, and honestly she just didn’t care any longer. 

They would never be alone again after New Year’s Eve. 

This was it. Her only chance for God knew how long. 

She had it bad, so bad for him. And she couldn’t really remember just then why this was such a terrible idea in the first place. Something about those damn rules…

Eh, never been one for the rules anyway.  Lizzy craned her neck upwards, stretching as far as she possibly could, relying on her intuition alone in the dark. 

She found what she was searching for and after a last moment of hesitation, she finally did it. She kissed him.  

He pulled away slightly, unsure. Lizzy felt sick that she’d misjudged horribly, and was starting to seriously panic with how she could possibly play this one off.

I…fell?

But she could have cried with relief when he apparently got over the surprise and began kissing her in return, leaning into her. Responding to her. 

It felt so right, so bizarrely normal, that Lizzy found herself briefly wondering why they hadn’t been doing this the whole damn time they’d known each other. 

Slow and hesitant at first. Then something simultaneously clicked for the both of them, and it turned into an altogether different experience. Urgent, messy, not at all careful, not what Lizzy was used to at all.

Lizzy feared the lamps would click on and flood the clearing with light at any second. Like they had to hurry before they were caught, as if John Hammond himself might pop out of the bushes, brandishing his cane, gotcha!

But it didn’t matter. This was what she’d needed. She hadn’t realised how much she needed it, that she wanted this so badly. For far longer than the past few months of living in Costa Rica.

She realised she didn’t mind so much anymore if she banged her head on the floor of Jeep. Repeatedly. In fact, at this moment in time she’d be glad of it. They might not make it back to the lodge. 

But as quickly as had happened, it was over. Fate had very different ideas for how the night would progress. 

He pushed a little too hard into her hips, and oh God it’s happening, forcing her backwards against the bed of the Jeep as Lizzy let her legs relax and fall further apart. It was evidently far too much for the built-in motion sensor, and the alarm in the vehicle began blaring like a police siren at ear-splitting volume, all lights flashing in unison. The Rex snorted and roared unhappily at the disturbance from the other side of the fence, only adding to the din.  The noise had the same effect as if someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over them. 

“Shit-“ Lizzy shot upright, pulling away and covered her ears while Muldoon fumbled for the Jeep keys to stop the racket. 

Then silence. Deafening, smothering silence. Even the Rex was quiet. A single hadrosaur trumpeted in the distance.

She waited, unsure what to do next, she couldn’t read his expression in the dark, but he felt off. Something was badly wrong. 

“I’m taking you back now.” Muldoon said tersely. “I would really appreciate it if you just do what I ask this time.”

”Okay.” She knew better than to argue.

“That was out of order.” He continued icily. “That cannot happen again.” 

“Got it. Sorry.” Lizzy felt the heat rising in her cheeks. Goddamn embarrassment, flooding every cell. I can’t believe this. I’ve blown it. “I’m really sorry.” 

He didn’t respond as she shuffled into the passenger side and quietly buckled her seatbelt. He wouldn’t even look at her. She tried again, one last attempt. 

I’m using your first name so you know how serious I am. 

”Robert, I’m really sorry.”

Please believe me.

Please answer me.

She‘d never used his name before, ever. This wasn’t the pleading circumstances she wanted to use it for the first time. Not at all. 

Her efforts didn’t work. 

”Don’t do that.” Muldoon replied flatly, starting the engine while staring straight ahead. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.” 

Lizzy’s heart plummeted, her chest constricting, aching with that too familiar pain all over again.

Her stomach was flipping back and forth in sheer panic for the entire silent-and-not-in-a-good-way journey back to the lodge. 

She didn’t even bother trying for a goodnight as they parted ways to their own rooms. Neither of them did.  I’ve really done it this time.

Months of building a rapport, gone in an instant because of one false judgement. And what if he told Jeff what she’d done? What if anyone on the island, at InGen, found out what she’d done?

The rumours that had been swirling around would finally be true. There were names Lizzy would be called that she couldn’t just brush off anymore. Nobody would take her, or her work, seriously ever again. She’d be an outcast.

All terrible things. But worst of all was Muldoon refusing to acknowledge her. That was the reason she was trying her damnedest not to cry.  Stupid. Stupid, stupid idiot! 

It had turned out to be too much too soon. Maybe too much ever.

Why do I always do this? Why do I always ruin everything? 

***

Thanks for reading!

If a particular anecdote sounds familiar, I mayyyyy have drawn some inspiration from George of the Jungle (this is very important for later 🎶)

The story I envisioned Muldoon telling Lizzy is along the lines of Peter Capstick’s black mamba in the latrine story from Death in the Long Grass. If you want some idea of just how funny it is, I’ve read it multiple times and know what’s coming almost verbatim. I still laugh every time I read it.

And hearing Muldoon calmly recount one of the many times he’s almost checked out early would be, I imagine, quite hilarious.

I can’t believe I finally got to post this chapter. It’s been here since the very first draft, it’s quite special to me as New Year, or Hogmanay as we call it, is a much bigger deal in Scotland. A very important tradition is the first foot, which is supposed to bring you good fortune for the year ahead.

…I guess they did it wrong.

[gabessquishytum]

Ten Books to Know Me By!

Tagged by @honeyteacakes! I really loved your list of books, I saw the scarlet pimpernel on there and did a happy scream!

1. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

This was a formative book for me throughout my childhood and adolescence. I must have read it almost 10 times. I struggle to read it now (some parts just hit too close to home for me) but I hope one day that I’ll be able to return to this wonderful novel.

2. Daughter of Time - Josephine Tey

This book altered the course of my life, no kidding. If you love history or true crime this book is seriously for you. It will definitely make you rethink everything you know about the way history is written, the way historical individuals are portrayed and why stories are so important.

3. Persuasion - Jane Austen

All of Austen’s novels have impacted me massively, but this one is my favourite. The way that romantic love is portrayed in this book is so beautiful to me, the way people’s personal flaws are portrayed as something that can be forgiven and accepted. This is a very hopeful book, and it is also an incredible portrayal of what it’s like to live with anxiety.

4. Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman

I love all of Neil’s stuff, but this one is probably my favourite. It was the first of his solo novels that I read (after Good Omens). It’s fun, imaginative, terrifying. I fell in love with the idea of urban fantasy thanks to this book, and I think it was super influential on the development of my own writing.

5. Santaland Diaries - David Sedaris

I love the combination of cynicism and sentiment in this book. It's funny, it's real (if a little overexaggerared at times). It also makes me feel better about myself and my struggles with employment. Plus, David Sedaris was probably one of the first gay people I was ever aware of.

I also worked as a Christmas elf in a store (not Macy's, unfortunately) so I feel a forever connection to this book.

6. The Wizard of Earthsea - Ursula K. Le Guin

This book confounded me when I first read it as a child. I didn't like the main character, I found the plot complicated. But returning to it years later, I fell in love with it. It's a book about becoming a better version of yourself, about fucking up majorly and trying to put things right. And about love and friendship. Plus there are further books in the series, and a dragon. What's not to love?

7. War of the Foxes - Richard Siken

I know a lot of people have read Crush, and while I absolutely love it, War of the Foxes is a gentler piece of work which explores some of the same themes from a mature perspective. There are some absolutely beautiful poems in this collection and I really recommend it for anyone who wants to contemporary poetry!

8. 163 Days - Hannah Hodgeson

Another favourite poetry collection! This is a beautiful, unique piece of work that discusses life limiting illness, hospital, and what it's like to be disabled in an able bodied world. It takes a lot to make me cry but this book moves me so much and brings me so much joy, too, because it exists! And I can feel just a little bit less invisible because of it.

9. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

The funniest, most ridiculous book, and an absolutely brilliant satire of British countryside life. I quote this book ALL the time. It is my lifetime ambition to own a cow called Useless.

10. The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller

Another formative book which did so much for me as a young queer person. The fact that this book was "mainstream" and loved by so many people (including people who may not have naturally been queer allies) made the difficult conversations easier. It was really important for me to be able to bring this book home without having to hide.

Thank you for this opportunity to talk about books! I'm tagging @the-art-student-in-221c @aquilathefighter @valeriianz @ineffablyendless @pintobordeaux @reallyintoscience @notallsandmen @akhuna01 but feel don't feel like you have to do it! ❤

[sitp-recs]

Hidden Gems by @moonflower-rose

September has been crazy, all those Christmas sex babies driving me up the wall but hello yes, here’s another bday gift this time for one of the coolest people in this fandom, Rosie Josephine Moonflower! Reading fics for this post was the easiest thing ever because I’ll never get enough of her fab writing, always bold and on point, full of wit, charm,brilliant characterization, hilarious dialogue and a lush take on sexy romance with all the feels. Rosie delivers my favourite combo of tropes with excellence every time, it’s really a crime that these fics don’t have as many kudos or comments as they deserve but I’m here to make things right!

For those who recognize her username from LJ, Rosie has been around for ages and we’re lucky to have her coming back to share new treats with us. She’s not only super talented but also has a fantastic grasp of Drarry flirting erm banter which is one of my favourite things in fic. I get so excited whenever I see a new story of hers, because I know it will be a fun ride mixing the best crack, angst, smut and romance we could ask for, satisfaction guaranteed. Imo her most delicious trademark is that unbeatable sense of humor, so charming it makes every fic become your new favourite thing with organic dynamics and cool, relatable characters. Her take on Ginny is especially dear to my heart as I came to admire and enjoy her presence in fics over the years.

Once you get to know Rosie it’s easy to see why her stories are so lovely and compelling - her cheerful, witty and no-nonsense personality is a delight to be around. Thank you Rosie for being a wonder and for gifting us with so many incredible fics! I can’t wait to see what comes next. I hope you have an incredible day!!! 🎉🎉

Counterparts (2005, Mature, 1k) - a brilliant and tender look into their life together, full of fun and small intimacies as we learn about this fabulously messy Draco through Harry’s smitten eyes. “Draco is demanding, but Harry is accommodating” is one of my favourite lines ever and I can’t stop thinking about it. What a treat!

Draco hogs the bed. Harry loves it.

Receipts (2022, Mature, 2k) - hands down one of the funniest, most charming short fics I’ve read this year, creative, sexy, with brOTP goals and Drarry + Ginsy combo! I adore the witty dialogue and sweet Harry making Draco blush. This is a perfect showcase of Rosie’s talent at short form, superb humor and characterization, you won’t be able to stop laughing your ass off :D

Pansy and Ginny have made a stupid wager and Draco may be the one who comes away a winner.

Breakfast (2006, Explicit, 3k) - never thought the idea of a naked Draco learning how to make Harry breakfast would get me all emo but here we are. Yet another delicious portrait of sexy, fun and tender domesticity, so lush and full of happy feels I can’t stop smiling! Come and feast 🥘

Breakfast is Harry's favorite part of the day.

The World of Management (Or, Harry Potter and the Office Romance) (2012, Explicit, 15k) - fabulous office romance with A+ push-pull banter and a chaotic smooth flirt Harry driving Draco mad with want and exasperation, what’s not to love? This is a must read for all those who enjoy Drarry & politics, light and fun, scorching hot and very sweet with a charming and confident tea lover Harry + competent bossy Draco, just as we like it. Can’t have enough of “oh, have a day off”/ “how dare you!”.

Draco Malfoy is the heart and soul of the Department of Magical Games and Sport. The only thing standing in the way of professional bliss is his boss. And Harry Potter.

In Dreams (2011, Explicit, 38k) - I’ll never stop screaming about Rosie’s opus, one of the most brilliant and intriguing case fics I’ve read with a breathtaking opening and superb character development and Drarry dynamics. Please please PLEASE read this today and come scream with me about your new favourite fic. You can check the rec I did for it here.

Harry wasn't expecting to ever see Draco Malfoy again. He also wasn't expecting to walk into a political conspiracy that morning either, but apparently that's exactly what the day has in store for him.

[heshemejoshi]

JOINS MY RACOON HANDS TOGETHER IM GLAD YOU ASKED

Lancer is a tabletop roleplaying game developed by Massif Press. The best I’ve seen it described is as “Leftist Pathfinder in Space Feat Gundam”, which kinda nails it as best as you can. Absolutely AMAZING setting and incredibly fun gameplay. You can get the FREE version of the corebook here, and while unfortunately it doesn’t come with lore (you can ask me to go crazy with it if you want to) there’s some pretty kickass mech art in it by the author of Kill Six Billion Demons.

The art I’ve sent you specifically is from their paid module called The Long Rim, which I bought recently during the fucking worst hospital stay of my entire life. It adds new mechs and mechanics to Lancer (including an alternate leveling system that I ADORE) alongside new lore.

Alongside The Long Rim, a module I particularly like is the Karrakin Trade Baronies. I really like stuff like courtly intrigue and it once again expands in the core mechanics of Lancer, including more roleplaying rules and rewards. I really want to run a campaign in it 🐔👍

Other modules I currently own and can vouch for are Operation Solstice Rain and No Room for a Wallflower, which serve as a tutorial and a module once again adds to the lore + mechanics respectively. Wallflower also adds my absolutely favorite mech, Enkidu, because I have a Brand to maintain.

Also, want to fuck around making OCs but aren’t sure where to start? Masiff Press has you covered. Comp/con is widely regarded as a top of the line companion app + digital toolset, making creating your DIY scrimblo be incredibly painless. And while we’re at that, why not stop by RetrogradeMinis, a character creator made by fans and supported by Patreon where you can customize your own Gundam ungodly creation?

The writing is VERY good, being blth jovial and mature when it needs to be, but I’ll let you experience it for yourself. Just tell me when you reach GUN:GUN because that’s the single funniest thing I’ve ever seen in a game.

TLDR this is the banner of the unofficial discord what else do you EXPECT

THIS IS GENUINELY SOOOOO COOL. im going to post it so people can see and hopefully check it out for themselves as well! because this is honestly a great comprehensive guide to get into it wow.. tysm..

[astrobei]

Hello Suni astrobei. For end of year asks, I ask you 2 and 12

hi abby strangeswift !! ok so i got a couple asks for 2 so i’m going to answer that one elsewhere so i can focus my full attention on Gushing !

12. talk about a new friend you made this year

ok i’m about to get seriously so sappy so if you don’t feel like reading through all this feel free to Leave (no hard feelings LOL)

i’m someone who has a pretty small social circle irl so i never thought i’d meet so many wonderful ppl this year, and definitely not online and definitely not because i started writing fanfiction again LOL like if u told january suni this she’d look at u like 👁👁 on a more serious note though this year was insane for me. so much changed really quickly in my life and i’m so beyond grateful that amidst all the chaos i was led to all of u guys ! literally if we’ve had even one conversation on here there’s a very high chance i’ve referred to u as a friend irl so. do with that what u will.

abby and ella (@elekinetic) and sierra (@finalgirlbyers) i want u guys to know that i treasure u all So Much. like even if our convos are sporadic or if we talk exclusively through asks ur presence on my dash brings me so much joy and i look forward to each post u make and each message and each ask and each incoherent ramble in the tags !! i don’t have Favorite Mutuals but if i did it would be u guys because it’s insane how much i light up seeing ur urls ! i hope 2023 brings so many more wonderful interactions w u guys, u rly make my mindless scrolling on tumblr 100x more fun

yvie @nnilkyway HELLO i am so so beyond grateful i met them this year ! what a strange stroke of luck too bc i was so obsessed w their art before we met and hearing him say he was a big fan of my work was like. mind boggling. anyways yvie is literally one of the funniest people i have ever met in my life oh my god it’s so rare for me to find people whose sense of humor just Clicks with mine but like. four messages in and we were sending each other memes and becoming best friends and it was fantastic! i have never once felt weird or intimidated talking to them which is crazy for me, a person who feels weird and intimidated a Lot, and also need i reiterate his INSANE TALENT !! like holy shit ! my go to person for talking about gf mike wheeler or mitski or literally just anything and everything. yvie if you’re reading this i am putting u in my pocket and holding u so close. mwah. also we are married, btw. if anyone cares.

haven @bookinit02 OK. you all have heard me gush about haven a million and one times on this blog and i’m sure you’ve seen her gush about me because she’s (rightfully) obsessed with me (/j. kind of) but haven was the first friend i ever made in the byler community which is so so beyond insane to me. i fell in love with her writing so instantaneously and you guys should’ve been there to see my reaction when i saw her leave her first comment on my fic. literally screamed it was so embarrassing 😭 we talked exclusively through ao3 comments for a while because she’d yell every time i updated ihcisc and i’d yell every time she updated her season 2 rewrite and then one day she dm’d me asking me to make a twt to add me to a byler gc and the rest was History. anyways haven is one of the most talented most creative people i’ve ever met BUT she’s also one of the sweetest and most compassionate people on the face of this planet and deserves nothing but good things always ! she’s one of those people that i need to talk to every day or i’ll go insane and i love how our convos can speedrun the entire human spectrum of emotions within like. 5 minutes. she’s so incredibly supportive and my #1 hype girl and she has the freaky ability to entirely turn my mood around on a bad day in less than 20 seconds. she literally managed to sleuth around and find my venmo just to send me soup money. if i could buy her Everything then i literally would. i would eat cilantro for her. i would watch the mlvn makeout scene for her. i would get my socks wet for her. literally i would do anything for her and i can’t wait until i see her in june and i chase her in circles around the airport and then we kiss👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽 and we Hug so tight and platonically 🫂

thea @wiseatom u already know. i tell her every day that i would do literally anything she asked of me and it’s true! literally 2 minutes ago she said “suni u should dye ur hair green” and for a moment i seriously considered it. anyways thea is objectively the funniest fucking person i have ever met in my life and is also my twin. if my twin were blond and taller and also a different age. in all seriousness though thea feels like the world’s most insane older sister to me and as an Actual older sister i’m really loving the feral little sibling treatment. she’s so insane easy to talk to (probably bc our brains work in the exact same way) and Oozes talent from literally every single cell in her body. she sends me a snippet of her work and i spend the next 10 minutes rolling on the floor trying not to SCREAM. there are so few people who can make me laugh as much as she does but also turn me into a blubbering mess of a baby with her Evil Cruel Prose 2 seconds later but thea wiseatom has been put on this planet to achieve the impossible. i have rarely felt so seen as i do when i talk to her, whether it’s for advice or Wallowing or complaining about our disproportionately large heads together, she is so kind and supportive and one of my favorite people Ever. i can’t believe the universe put her 3000 miles away from me because i Need to be a menace to her in person but we’ll make it work. every day i say goodnight to her at 8 pm my time and then say good morning to her at 2 am my time and then i go to bed <3 thea if you’re reading this (and u better be. i tagged u) i hope u know that u are the light of my life and i am packing my bindle as we speak to begin the cross country trek. mwah.

@andiwriteordie ANDI ! i miss talking to u every day but u are so busy with ur big girl job and cranking out quality fics at light speed so i’ll give u a pass 😔 andi is literally a legend in the byler fic community so when i found out she Knew Who I Was,,, i died. i literally died. even when we haven’t talked in a while i love how we can pick up a convo like nothing has changed or send posts that remind us of each other or go crazy apeshit in each others tags like there’s no tomorrow !! andi is so so inspirational to me, she is so kind and creative and full of positivity (even if her writing is mean and full of Sadness and Misery. still haven’t forgiven u for descent, btw) she feels like my other older sister and she has such an insane way with words that i will never understand ! thank u for singlehandedly keeping byler tumblr going, i hope 2023 is so kind to u and u get ultra promoted and have so much fun at the eras tour like u deserve <3

moon aka @smoosnoom omg ok not only is moon so crazy talented but she is such! a sweet person! back when i started writing for byler she was such an enigma to me, an ao3 user and a total Mystery, so i never expected us to actually talk and now! here we are! she is so uplifting and supportive and i’ve loved getting to know her over the past few months, whether it’s bonding over our shared hatred (affectionate. mostly) of finn wolfhard or bawling our eyes out to everything everywhere (oh my god.) seeing her comment on my first fic literally made my heart stop dead in my chest. she has such a gift for making everyone feel so immediately accepted and welcome in any space, and i will spend the rest of my life stewing in anger that she’s taller than me. that feels extremely, unfathomably illegal. anyway moon if ur reading this (and u also better be! bc i tagged u!!) i hope the new year is so good to u <3 mwah ily

[mdhwrites]

Why I Answer Asks More Easily Than Make My Own Blogs

Or in other words: I have Avoidant Personality Syndrome. Literally diagnosed only a week ago. So to make things clear, I don’t know this the best either with it being so new but I’ll do my best to explain. The simplest and funniest way for me to put it though is that it’s what you get when Imposter Syndrome and Social Anxiety have a baby and it turns out to be the Anti-Christ. The long version is that it is a crippling fear of humiliation and failure in ALL things you do because of the way you perceive how others perceive you and you see yourself. Because you tell yourself the only outcome can be failure because you are worth so little, and they are worth so much more, there’s no reason to do anything because it will only mean pain for you and at best being ignored by others. In terms of my blog, it’s genuinely why Asks are easier on me than my own blogs. If it’s my own thought period, then I have no guaranty anyone is interested in the thought. If someone asks me though, then I know at least one person will want the thought and so I will succeed in one person’s eyes. It’s also where you get my relationship between me and my cat Mischief. Now Mischief is the best and I will not be accepting debate except with pictures sent to my ask box. This is where I would share a picture of her but Tumblr is being dumb and not showing me how to put in inserts like usual for some reason. So now with that out of the way, I also want to admit that she very social and very needy. She will straight up yell at me for attention and play times so she isn’t some cat who lays about all day (except when, you know, she’s sleeping. Because cats do that.) She also has, since a couple months after I got her, developed a knack for knowing when I’m heading to bed, even when she looks like she’s sleeping. When I do that, it’s time to get up, hop up and curl up on my chest, back, between my legs, over an arm, etc. like that because sleeping with me is her favorite place to sleep. She will also purr for like five minutes straight while just sitting on top of me, no pets required. Logic dictates that she definitely loves me. Yeah... Yeah guess who still constantly looks at his cat and asks, “I’m doing a good job, right? There’s enough space in this apartment? You have enough toys? I’m sorry I don’t play with you as much always. Depression and anxiety get in the way of that but I know that’s no excuse. I’m sorry I can’t give you a better life.” Is there a logic for it? No. Is there anything anyone can tell me to get my brain to stop worrying? Not really because of how I see myself versus my cat who, I should mention, is adopted from a shelter so I’m pretty sure finds my apartment that she owns as much as I do to be more than enough. It’s way more than she used to have after all. But that doesn’t matter to my brain. Nothing does. I question if even concrete proof like suddenly having a bestselling book would do it because my brain would possibly just try to create excuses for why everyone hates me, I’m still a failure and this isn’t real. It... It damages one’s ability to put themselves out in any way. I try to fight this as I’m an oddly sociable introvert *gestures at this entire blog* but there’s an Amischa story I want to do about Boscha growing up and why Amity’s betrayal in Winging It blindsided her so much and I KNOW that how people who don’t want me blaming Amity for anything might react to it and that adds a lot of pressure to even the idea of writing it. Pressure I didn’t have when I loved The Owl House and no one had decided to be a bigot towards me. Pressure I can’t get rid of and is likely half the equation for why this past year has just kind of been an ever worsening hell for me. And because Tumblr now is showing the option to me, let’s end this with a few pictures of Mischief as a pallet cleanser, hmm?

[bonesandthebees]

i know it’s been a while since you wrote nocturnal animals but i’m a lover of the fiancés and still cannot stop thinking of their shenanigans

A clueless fledgling who was raised to think vampires were horribly evil, a assumedly romantically clueless vampire who’s housing aforementioned ex-hunter and his boyfriend, and the normal one who’s apparently just content to live in a house of vampires. It’s such a fucking sitcom situation and i’ve basically written a whole fiancés centric sequel in my head that I really wanna write out but i don’t know if i ever will.

Until then I am content to just let this au and the fiancés take up most of my brain space, because you know they’d get into the stupidest situations. Nothing is funnier to me than imagining non-human entities struggling with human issues. Like Sapnap’s having an existential crisis about being functionally immortal and Quackity is like “As much as I sympathize can you help pay my rent if you’re gonna stay here?” Funniest thing in the world to me. Imagine Karl moving in with Quackity, who’s been a vampire practically forever. “Oh sorry Karl I don’t have human food, my fridge is filled with bottles of blood. We can order takeout, though.” I have thousands of these. I am so very mentally i’ll for this au.

GOD yeah the sitcom potential of the nocturnal!fiances is unparalleled. it's literally the cpr x misery x reese's puff meme with quackity saving dick by giving it cpr, sapnap living in misery, and karl with the reese's puffs chorus

sapnap is over here angsting over his eternal life, quackity is struggling to figure out wtf to do with this depressed ex hunter turned vampire and his human boyfriend and also ignore how cute they both are, and karl is just vibing and trying to figure out how to get human food for himself since he's the only one in the house who needs to eat. I don't really write c!fiances but god it's so funny to imagine the shit the trio would get into

karl can't cook to save his life either so quackity has to either learn how to cook for him or order takeout because god knows sapnap is too depressed to do either