#because it quickly becomes clear from context

[wowbright]

Over the last year or so, there's been this new thing in ex-mormon/post mormon/progressive Mormon podcast where they say, "hey, a lot of our listeners have never been Mormon so let's explain this [obvious thing that anyone with any interest in the topic already knows or will find out soon on their own]" and it's just so annoying.

Like, seriously. If we don't know what you're talking about, we know how to Google stuff on the internet. Please stop creating boring podcast content by taking 5-15 minutes out of every other episode telling us that Mormon adults wear special underwear or that going on a mission as a young adult is a culturally significant thing.

[ghostbsuter]

"What exactly are halfas?" Constantine asks, cigarette lit and leaning against the table.

They were in the justice league, having attended a meeting previously and now just lazed around.

Batman loses focus on his laptop screen and openly looks at the two, interested.

Green Lantern, Hal, jerks up at the question, looking between everyone still in the room and trying (and failing) to seem uninterested.

Zatara is glaring daggers at Constantine's back, eyes narrowed.

While flash had no context, having just arrived back with his food to sit with the rest, he appropriately tenses as well, from just one glance around the room.

Superman and Wonder woman aren't different from batman, not as discreet as some are trying to be and just staring at the two.

Slightly amused, Danny decided to entertain the question.

"Unlike ghosts and the undead, halfas are created and not born." He explains, looking at the man when he writes it down.

Who knew the infinity realm were this closed off that John Constantine had to get information from the source itself just to keep updated?

"Care to elaborate?"

Clicking his tongue, he does so.

"Halfas get created during extreme circumstances, it has to be right place, right time and correct amount of ectoplasm." Danny catches the lollipop that Batman throws at him, sending the bat a quick smile.

"Not everyone can become a halfa, our race is a rarity amongst the dead."Constantine raises a brow, pursing his lips. "There are only 3 of you right? Is that a normal amount in the realms?"

Another click. "No, thousands of years ago, when our kind reached its peak of over hundreds of people, Pariah Dark happened."

He briefly shares a glance with Martian Manhunter, he wonders if anyone here sent out a message of phantom story time? Why were they all lounging around?

"It was genocide. He killed off an entire species just because he felt threatened." He shrugs.

Constantine jolts, eyes clear as if he'd just connected the dots.

"So his downfall wasn't only because of rights of conquest but— the reason no one joined nor fought between you and the old King was because it was a revenge kill."

Danny ponders the words over, nodding. Yeah that sounds right.

"Many aren't surprised that Pariah Dark went berserk. It was kind of predictable, considering his soul was brought to the Infinity Realms after he'd died in the Phantom Zone as you know it."

Hal straightens up, Batman tenses and Diana leans forward.

"This previous King of yours– he was a past prisoner of Aethyr's Mind?"

The halfa nods, uncertain now that he'd stumbled upon unknown territory.

"Yes, the Phantom Zone and the Infinity Realms are sister spaces. Were you not aware?"

They were not, he quickly finds out.

Fumbling with his words, mind working overdrive as he sorts through information, he speaks again. "They are the two sides of the same coin, Phantom Zone being non-habitable while the Ghost Zone is filled with unalive."

He briefly struggles with his words, genuinely taken off guard with the lack of knowledge.

"Aethyr isn't just a being, but someone who is connected to the realm itself. Its similar to my position as King of the ghost zone." He summons his crown of ice to simple gesture.

"Besides! Phantom Zone, Zero Zone? Anti-infinite? That's literally the opposite of the Ghost Zone, the Infinite Realms!" he exclaims, throwing his hands up.

"Could you tell us more of your realm?" Superman asks, voice gentle and non threatening. "Some of us have been in the Phantom Zone, so hearing that there is a place being the complete opposite?"

The halfa nods in understanding. "Sure, why not?"

Three simple words yet everyone feels the trust put on them with such information.

"The entire realm is an ever shifting space, we categorise eith the sectors of each afterlife. From the Greeks to the Yetis and different eras."

—

(The tale of his realm lasts longer than expected, it is only when Hal started to get ready to leave does Danny address a certain area in his zone.

"The... Emerald Space is also a sector of the Infinity realm. The sector itself is formed in a sphere like form, we aren't sure what's inside since the fallen lanterns keep to themselves rather."

Hal froze, eyes catching the ghosts, and looked away again. He'd tell OA of this, but now he was going home.

Danny watched him leave and declared it down for now, free for more question the next time and left just as fast.

At least Constantine and Zatara can update their books now.)

[ambrosiagourmet]

Hey, Kabru and Mithrun spend some interesting time together, don't they?

With Mithrun having just officially premiered in the anime, and a lot of discussions swirling around about him, I've been thinking a lot about that section of the story quite a bit. These chapters - Roasted Walking Mushroom and 6 Days - are some of my favorites. For a lot of reasons, really. Not only are they are a huge turning point for the story as a whole, but they have some excellent character work, and represent an important shift in Kabru and Mithrun's individual arcs and relationship to each other.

The chapters are also kind of a fully contained story arc just on their own, which is an impressive bit of writing, and makes them super fun to analyze. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!

This will be structured as a close reading of chapters 61 & 62, with some asides for additional important context. I'm going to talk a little bit about a reading that I disagree with, but for the most part I just want to focus on how Kabru and Mithrun's relationship progresses during these two chapters. In particular, the ways they both grow from the time they spend together.

Also I just want to quickly note that this isn't written as Ship Content. It's meant to be an analysis of their relationship as presented in the text - layer whatever additional meanings and filters on top of that as you'd like, but please respect that my intent is not to talk about or champion a ship, or frame any of this content as romantic.

So, with that all being said:

How do Kabru and Mithrun help each other?

First of all, I think there are two important pieces of context that inform the Kabru & Mithrun Dungeon Adventure chapters. Both are related to Kabru's state of mind, and both are set up before or during the chapters in question.

The first is the context of what happened just before Kabru and Mithrun fell into the dungeon. Specifically, the events that led Kabru to make them fall.

Kabru, essentially, gives up his life at the end of chapter 55. When he stops Mithrun, and when they both plummet with the collapse of the first floor, he is okay with dying. Mithrun warns him that they will both die if Kabru doesn't let him go, and Kabru accepts this as a worthwhile exchange.

Why?

Well, because he doesn't want the elves to take over the dungeon. Throughout the last 3 chapters, the Canaries have been effective, but they have also been cruel in their efficiency, and they have made it clear that they don't care about collateral damage. They lured people into the dungeon specifically to provoke a violent reaction from it, without regard for who might get hurt by the violence.

What's more, they are keeping important information from Kabru, and he knows it.

He's not just looking for a solution, he's looking for the truth - a truth that he believes that he will only find through conquering the dungeon. With good reason, to be fair! The elves make it very clear that they aren't there to treat the other races on the Island as equals.

So Kabru uses the only tool he has available to him - his own life. It won't get him the truth, but it at least gives a chance for another person from a short-life species (namely, Laios) to earn it in his place.

This dovetails nicely with the more thematic context that's introduced in at the start of chapter 61: the room where he could eat all the cake he wanted.

This place, a place that Kabru never wants to go back to, is a place where he is safe, and a place where he is ignorant. A place where he is sheltered from danger, but also from the truth. The same place the Island would become, if the Canaries had their way. He doesn't just want to be safe, and he doesn't even just want the world to be safe, though he does want to be able to protect people from what happened in Utaya.

But he doesn't just want to entrust that safety to the paternalism of the elves (especially since he is all too aware of the ways they can fail, or the people they are willing to sacrifice in the name of that "safety"). He wants to be given the agency to seek safety and peace for himself.

He wants to understand. And he wants the chance to act.

This is the context we have, going into the arc of 61 & 62. But before I talk about how the chapters build on this context, I want to take a step back and look at what else the chapters establish early on, before delving into their exploration of Kabru's agency.

First of all, I kind of want to challenge the framing of Kabru and Mithrun's relationship as solely that of a caretaker and his charge.

Obviously, Kabru is forced into a caretaker position - at the threat of his friend's safety, no less. (Okay, it's actually Toshiro and Namari that are being held, but still. There are hostages involved in this) But I do think it's important that Mithrun isn't the one who puts Kabru in this position - Cithis is.

Before this conversation, Kabru and Mithrun are already exploring the dungeon together. Mithrun doesn't threaten Kabru, or force his hand. He kind of just assumes that Kabru will join him. It's rude, and not particularly respectful, but given the dangers of navigating a dungeon alone, I don't think that's really an unreasonable assumption. And it certainly isn't the same as Cithis' approach.

If they were left alone with no intervention, they probably would have ended up in a similar position to the one that Cithis leveraged them into. Kabru is smart, and he could have figured out the things that Mithrun needed help with. And, to be clear, those are things that Mithrun needs help with not because he is selfish or thinks they are owed to him, but because he is disabled. It's not unreasonable for him to need that help, and it's not unreasonable for Kabru to provide it, under the circumstances.

Besides, they both need each other down there. Kabru wouldn't have survived without Mithrun - he doesn't know enough about monsters, and isn't familiar with the deeper dungeon's layout. And Mithrun wouldn't survive without Kabru - he isn't able to notice his basic needs and would burn himself out without food or rest, making him an easy target for the monsters he could otherwise take care of on his own.

Aside from both needing each other, another interesting layer to their relationship, which is established right away, is that Kabru doesn't have to - and literally cannot - put on a mask of social niceties around Mithrun. He can't suck up. It doesn't work.

So Kabru, who spends so much of his time concerned with how others perceive him, and who compromises his own comfort in order to become the most appealing version of himself at any given time, has that tool taken away. He has to help Mithrun, but notably, he can only help Mithrun to a certain point. He cannot compromise his open and honest feelings to help maintain someone else's view of the world - or at very least, it doesn't benefit him at all to do so.

Instead, they sit together, in the same position, share the same shitty mushroom dinner, because they both have to:

And that's notable, too. They both have to. Cithis' demand is most specific about the need to eat. Three meals a day! But this is something they both need, not just Mithrun.

Still, their relationship at this point still isn't exactly supportive, or even respectful. Kabru may have realized that he didn't need to keep up an act around Mithrun, but ya know, he still turns around an immediately try to, with that shitty mushroom dinner.

(The 'badly drawn shapeshift Kabru' gag here isn't just funny, imo, it's also a reminder of the thing he JUST LEARNED. Mithrun is immune to the Kabru smile anime sparkles filter.)

Mithrun also doesn't tell Kabru any helpful information at this point, and doesn't really put much effort into helping him at all. He slaps him awake out of a Nightmare, and treats him with the same disregard he did at the start of the chapter, focused entirely on moving ahead.

But then Mithrun collapses, and the current structure of their relationship collapses with him.

I think it's interesting here that the shift in their dynamic also includes Mithrun explicitly noticing Kabru's desires. Obviously it's not actually like some kind of I truly see you and recognize your humanity moment shared between them, but I do still like the way that it pulls Kabru's internal wants to the surface. Kabru not voicing his desires doesn't mean they don't exist, and Mithrun recognizes that the same way the dungeon does.

And then Mithrun does, in fact, grant one of Kabru's deepest desires. He tells Kabru the truth.

Just like how they are working together in the first place, this truth is as much a necessary concession to survival as anything. But that doesn't mean it's not impactful for Kabru. This is the thing that every other elf in his life has kept from him. A secret foundational to his core belief that long-life and short-life species can never come to mutual understanding.

And Mithrun isn't just giving him the bare minimum information here. What he shares isn't just a truth, it's his truth. It's a level of complete and total vulnerability that few people share with each other. And again - some of this may just be coincidence and necessity. I imagine Mithrun is so open, at least in part, because he doesn't have the same barriers that other people do when it comes to sharing these things.

But, then again... we see Mithrun at his most vulnerable and empathetic when he is talking to dungeon lords & potential dungeon lords, and trying to convey to them the truth of the trap they are walking into.

This face:

Is very similar to this face:

These are some of the few instances that we see Mithrun emote in this way, and his story does come just after he notices the dungeon responding to Kabru's desires.

But, no matter if Mithrun's openness is in response to Kabru being tangled in the dungeon's hunger, or just part of his nature (or, maybe, a little of both), his story changes things for Kabru. It gives him the chance to make actual choices, now that he understands the truth. It gives him a chance at agency in the story.

And he immediately turns around and uses some of that agency in an interesting way:

When asked about why he can't sleep, Mithrun says he needs to be magically compelled. Being magicked to sleep is simple, and it is efficient, but he doesn't even just say it's the best option. He seems to believe it is the only option.

So much in Mithrun's recovery has been framed through how it will let him fight the demon. Recover so that you can return to the dungeon. Sleep so that you can return to the dungeon. Eat so that you can return to the dungeon.

But rest, much like eating, isn't just about achieving the bare minimum required for efficiency. And as Senshi would probably say, the easiest path isn't always the best.

I don't think that the Canaries are intentionally running Mithrun ragged or anything, but as I mentioned earlier, they are very focused on efficiency, with little thought spared to what is lost or hurt in the process.

And there is something different about Mithrun's time with Kabru in the dungeon. Lycion even notes it, when they finally connect back up.

I don't think it's a huge leap to say that how Mithrun falls asleep here is emblematic of that difference. When Kabru helps Mithrun to sleep by massaging his feet, rather then using magic, he is explicitly taking a step beyond the minimum. He is providing comfort to a body that has been given only necessities for a long, long time.

These two events - Mithrun sharing the truth of the dungeon with Kabru, and Kabru choosing to help Mithrun to sleep through a foot massage - shift their relationship. There's a clear difference in how we see them treat each other, and especially in how Mithrun treats Kabru.

Before, Kabru provides food that he has gathered himself (okay, it was a mushroom he put his foot through on floor one, but the point still stands that Mithrun offered no help at all with getting food).

Afterwards, they gather food together.

Before, Mithrun teleports Kabru towards a monster, using him as a weapon when he can't find anything else.

Afterwards, he helps Kabru escape monsters, and fights them directly.

Before, he slaps Kabru awake after 5 hours of uncomfortable, Nightmare-filled sleep. A rest which, notably, Kabru didn't even intend to take for himself.

Afterwards, we see Mithrun keeping watch while Kabru sleeps in a bedroll.

I don't necessarily think that all of these things are choices that Mithrun consciously makes. Like, after 6 days, Kabru would have to get some actual sleep eventually, and Mithrun would pretty obviously have to keep watching during that time.

Nonetheless, there's still a difference in how these scenes are framed, and the fact that it is these things that are used to portray their journey together. Kabru is not the sole person providing food and sleep and safety - they provide these things for each other. Kabru eats alongside Mithrun, hunts alongside Mithrun, and he sleeps in the same way we see Mithrun sleep, laying down and resting deeply enough to be groggy when woken up.

What's more, during their time together, there are even a couple of instances of Kabru being more willing to care for himself and accept care. The sleeping is one example - note how he is surprised at having slept "that long" when told he was asleep for less than even the minimum recommended amount of nightly sleep - but I think the pattern of his eating is even clearer. In making sure that Mithrun eats regularly, he is forced to eat regularly too.

And I especially like the progression with the Barometz meal. After Mithrun has fallen asleep, Kabru thinks about wanting to "give [Mithrun] something nice to eat," but also notes that Mithrun's lack of desire "means there isn't even anything he wants to eat." So what does Kabru do?

He makes Mithrun something that he wants to eat.

I've already talked a bit about the ways that Dungeon Meshi depicts people finding support through "borrowing" the desires of the people who care for them, and I think this scene is a great example of that idea. Especially in the way that it pulls an expression of desire from Kabru, who is so prone to ignore his own hunger and needs. The meal may not end up anywhere close to the flavor intended, but it's still a far cry from the roasted walking mushroom.

All of these pieces come together at the end of chapter 62, resulting in a pivotal choice that could only happen because of the ways Kabru and Mithrun have, at least a little bit, grown closer to each other.

As they are preparing to leave, Kabru hears a bell ringing in the dungeon, just as he hears Toshiro's matching bell on the other side of the portal. Realizing Laios is nearby, Kabru hesitates. He knows the truth about the demon, and how he has a chance to act on it.

Cithis, the person who extorted Kabru into taking care of Mithrun in the first place, pushes for Mithrun to follow along with the plan.

(okay a quick aside here I just want to say I do love Cithis and I'm not trying to bash on her here. I just think it's interesting that she is the one to establish the terms of Mithrun & Kabru's cooperation, as well as the one who tells Mithrun to leave the dungeon at the end of the chapter)

But Mithrun doesn't go along with her command. Instead, he does something unexpected:

He asks what Kabru wants to do.

In contrast to Milsiril's smothering comfort,

and in contrast to his Mithrun's own assumption that Kabru will follow him, when they first wake up in the dungeon,

Mithrun follows Kabru's lead.

This, right here, is the change between them. Not only that, but it's a shift in the entire balance of agency in the dungeon. For what might be the first time in a very long time, Kabru - a tall-man - knows the truth, and is acting on it. He makes a huge decision purely on his own judgement. He is not trying to appease or coerce anyone, and he doesn't win Mithrun over by hiding his true intentions.

Rather, it's the honesty between them that builds to this moment. Mithrun's honesty earns Kabru's trust, and Kabru's honesty earns Mithrun's respect. They bond not because they are forced to spend time together, but because they choose to spend that time giving each other more than the bare minimum - even when they are both people used to accepting the bare minimum.

It echoes Laios' argument with Toshiro, in a way. They eat three square meals a day (Cithis mandated admittedly), they get plenty of sleep, and in doing these things, they take each other seriously. They treat each other as more than just a means to an end.

I don't necessarily think it's a flawless, unbreakable bond that's built during this time - hell, they both kind of revert back to their old behavior, once reunited with the rest of the Canaries. People don't completely change their habits overnight, after all.

But it is a shift. It's a shift that gives Kabru the chance to steer the story towards the ending he has fought for all his life, and it's a shift that helps Mithrun find a way to move forward after he loses his own reason for living. They reach their goals, and then they step past them - facing life beyond the moments they thought defined their reasons for living. Facing life beyond the bare minimum.

And that is how they help each other.

[fetusgooseandjuice]

Promise

Pairing(s): Knight!Natasha Romanoff x Princess!Reader

Summary: The first time you patch up an injured Natasha.

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Descriptions of wounds | Terribly written medical talk | Mentions of violence and knives

Authors Note: This is another mini-oneshot to my fic “Soulmates”. I’d recommend reading that one before this for context to be able to grasp the storyline!

Mini-oneshots: Forever

(Takes place around 17 years old)

You entered the castle with your mother at your side. You had just finished sitting in on a meeting that your parents had attended with some of neighboring kingdoms.

With you finally becoming of age to understand at least the majority of what they were discussing, your mother and father wanted you to get some first hand experience at helping to make important decisions.

As you talked you rounded the corner to the hallway that held the library where you'd planned to get in some studying, but the words coming out of your mother's mouth had faded to the back of your mind once you saw Yelena rushing towards you.

She looked frantic, but you noticed how she toned it down to a more presentable manner after laying eyes on the Queen beside you.

Your eyebrows furrowed seeing her approach you as though she were on a mission, and your mother had now stopped talking realizing that you were no longer paying attention.

"Hey, Yelena. Is everything okay?" you greeted the blonde.

Yelena looked between the two of you before answering, "Yeah. Yeah, I just needed you for...something...real quick."

Your mother cleared her throat to get your attention, "I'm going to go find your father. Don't forget to look over the information from today, okay honey?"

"Of course." you nodded your head in understanding, "I'll see you later." you said before she excused herself.

You turned back to the blonde with a now more concerned look, "What's going on? What's wrong?" you asked.

She almost struggled to find an answer before responding, "I think it's better for you to just see for yourself..." Yelena trailed off as she grabbed your wrist into her hand and led you through the hallways.

The two of you ended up in front of your bedroom door which confused you even more as she pulled you inside and quickly shut the door behind you, but your heart dropped at the sight in front of you when you turned around.

Natasha was sat on your bed looking as if she'd just been in a fight.

A bad one at that.

Her face was scuffed with dirt, her knuckles were bloodied and bruised, but that wasn't even the worst of it. The worst part was the area on her shoulder that her hand was clutching to stop it from bleeding, but you could see it clearly wasn't doing a very good job.

"I tried to take her to the infirmary, but she wouldn't go. She told me to bring her to you, but one of the maids said that you weren't here so I had to go find you." Yelena explained.

"Oh my god, Nat. What happened?" you asked as you rushed to your girlfriend’s side.

Your eyes zeroed in on the open wound on her shoulder. Her breath hitched when you moved her hand out of the way to get a better look. You muttered an apology before putting her hand back and quickly grabbing a hand towel from your closet.

"You should see the other guys." the redhead chuckled but her smile was replaced with a wince when you moved her hand again to use the towel to apply pressure instead.

Natasha knew you didn't find her joke very funny based on the glare you sent her way.

"She got into a fight with some thieves down at the docks. I told her it wasn't a good idea, but she wouldn't listen and now here we are." Yelena said.

This time it was Natasha's turn to glare at her sister for ratting her out, but Yelena didn't pay any mind to the look she was given.

"Jesus christ," you mumbled. "And you decided you wanted to bleed out on my bed right now instead of in the infirmary with a doctor because?"

The redhead winced again when you shifted to be able to inspect the rest of her body for any other injuries, "I thought you would be able to treat it. Didn't your parents make you take first aid lessons from the doctor a few years ago? You know, for your studies?"

"Yes, but the doctor at the infirmary is a professional." you counteracted. "They would do a much better job than I would at making sure this doesn't get infected."

"Please, Y/n." Natasha said, "I could get in so much trouble if my commander found out I was getting into fights before I even finished my training."

You sighed as you thought for a moment. She's obviously set on not going to the doctor, and you have to do something soon to stop it from getting worse so you really had no choice.

As you stood up from the bed the knights eyes followed you, "Take your top off and keep putting pressure on this." you told her before making your way to your bathroom.

Yelena took this as her cue to leave, "I'm gonna go now. I'll come back to check on you in a bit." she said and Natasha nodded, watching her slip through the door and shut it behind her.

After a little struggle the redhead managed to eventually pull her shirt over her head, leaving her in a tank top.

When you returned a moment later you had a clean towel and a first aid kit in hand. You sat back down next to her and removed the dirty towel to begin cleaning her wound.

It wasn’t as bad as it had looked before when you finally got the bleeding to stop. Either way seeing her like this scared you more than you’d let on.

You worked in silence for a while. The only sounds filling the room being the occasional winces and grunts from Natasha when the pain hurts a little more. Each time you mumbled a quick "sorry" before continuing.

"Are you mad at me?" Natasha spoke into the quiet air.

You didn't answer right away which just worried her even more, but when you did it wasn't the answer she was expecting.

"No," you responded, "I'm not mad at you. You just scared me, I mean what were you even thinking?"

“I don’t know,” the redhead said, “I don’t even know if I was thinking. I just…reacted.”

Natasha watched your concentrated face. Sometimes she couldn't help but just stare at it. At this point she had every detail of it memorized like the back of her hand. Which wasn't very helpful when she was currently being scolded by you.

"Did you even have any of your equipment when you decided to pick a fight with them?" you asked.

The young knight shook her head, "No, but I couldn't just watch it happen. There were four of them and one of them had a knife. I had to do something or else people might’ve gotten hurt.”

“People did get hurt, Natasha. You got hurt.”

Natasha hung her head in defeat at your words. “I know.” she said. “I know and I’m sorry for putting you through this. You shouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of my actions. It’s not fair to you.”

You sighed and put down the supplies you were using so you could finally look at her. She held a guilty expression and it made you feel bad for getting upset with her. Your hand came up to her face in an attempt to wipe away some of the dirt with your thumb and fix her messy hair.

“Nat, I get that you just wanted to do the right thing. That’s one of the things I love most about you.” you spoke softly and she gave you a small smile, “I just worry so much. This could’ve been so much worse than some bruises and a knife wound.”

“I got lucky, I know.” she admitted. “Yelena was right I should’ve listened to her and it was stupid of me not to.”

Your gaze went back and forth between both of her eyes. You could’ve gotten lost in her vibrant green orbs if you didn’t still have to finish patching her up before someone came looking for you.

“Just promise me that you’ll be more careful going forward. I don’t want this to ever happen again because I love you too much to be able to handle it if it did.”

Natasha quickly nodded her head, “I promise, and I love you too.”

You leaned in to connect your lips in a soft kiss, needing a reminder that she was here with you and safe.

The redhead obviously didn’t want you to pull away with the way she chased after your lips when you pulled back. You had to press your hand against her chest in order to keep a distance between the two of you.

“As much as I would love to keep going, I think you might need a few stitches to help that shoulder heal.” you said.

Natasha just groaned. She wasn’t even sure if the dissatisfaction she felt was because she had to go through the pain of getting stitches, or because you broke the kiss. The redhead came to the conclusion that it was because of both.

The noise made you giggle and you began sifting through the first aid kit for a needle and some thread. “I’ve only ever practiced this using fruits, so bear with me. I still think you should’ve gone to the doctor instead.”

She just shrugged her uninjured shoulder, “Why would I when I have my own personal nurse right here. And she’s cute too.” Natasha smirked.

You playfully rolled your eyes at that last comment, “Don’t get too ahead of yourself there. I still have to take a look at those knuckles and clean your face up.”

“What? I thought you liked my face.” she pouted.

“You know I do, but I don’t like the fact that it looks as if someone just dragged you through the dirt.”

Natasha scoffed, “For the record, I won, of course. They were after that bakery you love by the boats. The owner said that my next order would be on the house as a thanks for my help, so I think you should be thanking me.” she spoke proudly.

You just stared at your girlfriend in disbelief. As much as you didn’t understand how she was able to laugh and joke about the situation, you appreciated it because it took your mind off of the bad thoughts that clouded your mind.

It reminded you that your Natasha was still there and you couldn’t be more grateful for her.

“Instead of thinking about that you should be figuring out how you’re going to hide this from your parents when they come back from their trip.”

~ end ~

[tinytinyblogs]

Okay hear me out can I request yandere skz whose darling hates/refuses to even look at them and says mean things to the boys in order to get them to leave her alone but it has the opposite effect

Are you defying me, darling?

The more you distance yourself, the closer they might become. Take it slow if you're unsure.

⚠️ yandere theme, unhealthy obsession, and a lot more⚠️

Hyung line, Maknae line

💬 Thanks for your patience! Things have been a bit hectic lately, and I apologize for the delay. Here's the reaction post you requested, as promised. Let me know if you have any feedback or if there's anything I can improve on.

stray kids masterlist

Your insights and reactions make these posts come alive. Love reblogs, comments, and all the good vibes welcome ✨

Chan

Chan, your sunshine, your anchor – the very picture of gentleness. He opens doors with a smile, treats you like royalty, and knows exactly how to make you laugh. Yet, a knot of apprehension coils in your stomach because for all his sweetness, there's a line you never want him to cross. The air hangs heavy. You haven't spoken in what feels like hours, the silence a suffocating blanket. It started with a simple plea, a desperate need for some space, some time to breathe without the constant hum of his presence. The words tumbled out, harsh and ragged. "Can you just leave me alone, damn it?" The change in Chan is instantaneous. His smile vanishes, replaced by a coldness that sends shivers down your spine. A heavy silence descends, thick and suffocating. You steal a glance at him, and your heart plummets. His eyes, usually sparkling with warmth, are now narrowed lasers, fixated on you. The air crackles with a tension you've never witnessed before. Then, a deceptively calm voice breaks the silence. "What did you just say, sweetheart?" he asks, the endearment sounding foreign in this new context. It's clear he doesn't like what he heard, and a flicker of fear ignites in your chest.

You shrink back, your voice barely a whisper as you repeat, "I... I just want to be alone, Chan." But the damage is done. With a slow, deliberate movement, Chan closes the distance. He towers over you, his form an imposing shadow. He crouches down, invading your personal space, and gently, but firmly, cups your chin with his hand. You wince as his nails dig slightly into your skin, forcing you to meet his gaze. "Sweetheart," he says, his voice a low rumble, sending shivers down your spine. It's calm, almost too calm, and that terrifies you more than any outburst. His eyes hold you captive, a storm brewing beneath the surface. "I may love you," he continues, his words laced with a dangerous undercurrent, "but disrespect won't be tolerated. Remember that." Seeing the tear, a flicker of something crossed Chan's face – maybe regret, maybe anger. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a chilling coldness. "Tears won't work this time," he said, his voice devoid of any warmth. He reached out, a single finger brushing against your chin, tilting your face up to meet his gaze. "You will explain yourself," he said, his voice a harsh whisper. "And you will understand exactly why you don't get to ask for space from me."

Minho

Minho wasn't like other guys. He didn't crave grand gestures or whispered sweet nothings. No, Minho thrived on the spark in your eyes when he sent shivers down your spine with a surprise tickle or a whispered threat that danced on the edge of plausibility. The way you flustered, the stammer that replaced your usual sharp retorts when he'd corner you with a teasing question – that was his fuel. So, when you finally snapped, a glorious eruption after weeks of his calculated torment, a thrill snaked through him, cold and exhilarating. "Get away from me, don't touch me, you jerk!" you shouted, cheeks flushed a furious red. He'd expected the usual splutter of insults, a well-placed punch maybe, but this raw defiance, this unfamiliar vulnerability – it was intoxicating. Minho's smirk wasn't playful this time. It was a slow, deliberate twist of his lips, a predator recognizing a challenge in its prey. You wanted him gone? Perfect. He'd become your shadow, a constant reminder of the delicious chaos he reveled in unleashing. The way your breath hitched when he brushed past a little too close, the flinch you couldn't quite suppress when he materialized at your locker – oh, he'd savor every startled reaction, every muttered curse under your breath.

Perhaps you didn't understand him, and maybe that was part of the allure. Minho was an enigma, a puzzle only he held the key to. But that didn't matter. He thrived on the chase, on the unpredictable rhythm your dynamic had taken. Your pain, a byproduct of his gamesmanship, was a mere footnote – the price you paid for defying him. "Feeling spicy today, aren't we?" he drawled, his voice low and gravelly. He stopped directly in front of you, his face mere inches away. "Seems like somebody needs a reminder of who's in charge," he continued, his smirk widening. A single finger brushed against your cheek, sending shivers down your spine. You wanted to fight back, to spit out a retort, but the words wouldn't come. The fear was a thick fog clouding your thoughts. Minho seemed to revel in your silence. He chuckled, a low, humorless sound. "Don't worry, sweetheart," he leaned in closer, his voice barely a whisper but filled with chilling promise. "We have plenty of time for you to learn your lesson." The enclosed space became a prison, the air thick with unspoken threats and simmering tension. You knew this wasn't a game anymore. This was Minho asserting his dominance, and you were the unwilling participant in his twisted play.

Changbin

You clench your fists, heart hammering against your ribs. "Damn you," you growl, the words tasting metallic on your tongue, "don't come any closer, jerk!" Changbin's laugh echoes in the confined space. It's a sound you've never heard before, devoid of its usual teasing lilt and replaced with something darker, hungrier. This new side of him sends a shiver down your spine, both terrifying and...exciting? The thought is fleeting, pushed aside by the urgency of the situation. He ignores your protest, a predatory glint in his eyes. Each step he takes is a deliberate invasion of your personal space, until your back is pressed flush against the wall, trapped. His hands snake around you, pinning you against the cool surface. It feels like the room has shrunk, the air itself thick with unspoken tension. "So what, huh?" he taunts, leaning in so close his warm breath tickles your ear. "I can do whatever I want." His voice is a low rumble, sending shivers down your spine. It's as if this sudden resistance has ignited a fire within him, a twisted competition to break you, to own you completely. You can almost see the gears turning in his head, a game suddenly unfolding before you. One he intends to win.

Shame burned through you, hot and acrid. You hated yourself for the traitorous flicker of excitement that had dared to ignite within you. Changbin's dark eyes, usually lit with playful mischief, were now narrowed with predatory intent. The possessiveness that radiated from him was suffocating. "This isn't a game, Changbin," you spat, your voice shaking but defiant. You met his gaze head-on, refusing to show fear. "Don't you dare turn this into some twisted dominance act." A flicker of surprise crossed his face, quickly replaced by a slow, dangerous smile. "Dominance act?" he echoed, his voice low and silken. His thumbs brushed across your wrists, sending a jolt through you. "Perhaps," he continued, leaning in further, his breath hot against your cheek. "Or maybe it's just a reminder of who calls the shots here, sweetheart." His smile faltered for a moment, a flicker of something you couldn't decipher passing through his eyes. Then, with a sigh that seemed to shake the very room, he released you. You stumbled back a step, breathing heavily, the air suddenly feeling thin. "Maybe you're right," he conceded, his voice back to its usual drawl, though a hint of darkness lingered. "Maybe we need a different kind of reminder." He took a step back, his eyes holding yours with an intensity that sent chills down your spine. "A reminder of the consequences of defying me."

Hyunjin

Your outburst, a tirade fueled by pent-up frustration and veiled truths, had frozen Hyunjin. He stood there, a statue carved from confusion and a flicker of something darker. You spat out the final words, "Just get out! Leave me alone you jerk!" expecting a fight, an apology, anything but the unsettling silence that followed. He left, the quiet deafening and thick with unspoken threats. But the absence wasn't a reprieve. It was a predator stalking its prey. Every creak of the floorboards sent your pulse racing, every shadow a potential monster. Sleep was a distant memory replaced by a hypervigilance that left you drained. The bed felt vast and empty, the once comforting weight of Hyunjin beside you a chilling reminder of what you'd lost. Days blurred. The air crackled with a tension so thick you choked on it. Then, one evening, just as the remnants of hope started to flicker, Hyunjin reappeared. He wasn't the playful boy you knew. His eyes, usually sparkling with amusement, were now steely and focused. They scanned the room, lingering on you, assessing. Silence stretched, broken only by the shallow rasp of your own breath. "So," he finally spoke, his voice devoid of its usual warmth, "you want to be alone, do you?" It wasn't a question.

It was a challenge, a test to gauge your sincerity. You opened your mouth to apologize, to plead, but the words wouldn't come. The fear had lodged itself in your throat, a physical weight hindering any attempt at defiance. A slow, predatory smile spread across Hyunjin's face. "There are consequences for everything," he said, each word dripping with a chilling possessiveness. "Especially disrespect." Tears welled up in your eyes, blurring your vision. You wanted to scream, to fight back against the oppressive atmosphere, but the fear kept you rooted to the spot. "I… I'm sorry," you stammered, your voice barely a whisper. Hyunjin stopped in front of you, his face inches away. You could feel the heat radiating from his body, the intensity of his gaze making it difficult to breathe. "Sorry isn't enough," he said, his voice a low growl. "You will understand, one way or another, how much respect I deserve." He reached out, a single finger tilting your chin up so you were forced to meet his gaze. "We don't need space," he murmured, his voice a chilling caress. "We need understanding. And you," he leaned in even closer, his breath hot against your ear, "will learn exactly what that means." He wasn't angry, exactly. He was calculating, methodical, a predator who had finally cornered his prey.

[ennas-aesthetic]

What the fuck is Jesus up to in Good Omens season 3?

This is a question I've been thinking long and hard these past couple of days and I have some THOUGHTS SO. Buckle up.

Aziraphale and Crowley watching the Crucifixion (Good Omens, 2019)

First off. The answer to the question posited is relatively simple. What is Jesus up to in GO3? With s2's ending in mind and with the hints we've gotten for 668: Neighbor of the Beast over the years, we know he's descending to Earth to initiate the Second Coming. And that Aziraphale would probably make that happen - or do everything that he can as Supreme Archangel to sabotage it.

But I wanted to examine on how Jesus might fit into Good Omens' overall narratives and established themes - about morality and humanism and free will, and. I'm just saying, there are A LOT of fascinating routes they could do for his character.

(Disclaimer as usual: this is a theory that I obsessed over when I was stuck at the cemetery during All Souls' Day and must be treated as such. In no way am I insisting this should be how canon events must happen. I am just doing this for the funsies.)

The THING about Jesus if you situate him in the world of Good Omens (with the assumption that most of the pop culture Christology mythos associated with him remain intact) is that in this context he very quickly becomes: 1. Adam Young's narrative foil; and 2. an Aziraphale parallel.

Now, the first one is obvious. Of COURSE he is Adam Young's foil, duh. Adam isn't called the ANTICHRIST for nothing. Brought into the world just for the sole purpose of ending it. However, when the time comes for him to fulfill the Will of his Satanic Father, Adam flat out REFUSES.

Both the book and the show attribute this to Adam's human upbringing. He was raised as a human, and because of that he has the trait that the book uses to DEFINE human beings: free will. At the end, Adam had the AGENCY to reject the destiny planned out for him.

'Adam stood smiling at the two of them, a small figure perfectly poised exactly between Heaven and Hell.

Crowley grabbed Aziraphale's arm. "You know what happened?" he hissed excitedly. "He was left alone! He grew up human! He's not Evil Incarnate or Good Incarnate, he's just… a human incarnate—"'

- (Good Omens, 1990)

That is NOT what happened to Jesus.

Adam Bond as Jesus in Good Omens (2019)

Like Adam, he was raised as a human -- being a human incarnate was his WHOLE DEAL in Christology. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us... yada yada yada.

UNLIKE, Adam, though, Jesus wasn't able to REJECT his Destiny of Dying Really Horribly and Painfully on the Cross. Narratives in the Bible also made it clear that the Crucifixion was NOT his Will, but that of God's. Like... him begging to be spared from torment but ultimately following God's Will is such an important event entire devotional practices are made out of it.

"39 And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

- (Matthew 26: 39, KJV)

We get a glimpse of that in s1ep3 of Good Omens, too:

"JESUS

(muttering through the pain)

Father, please . . . you have to forgive them . . . they don’t know what they are doing . . .

Crowley, in black, comes up next to Aziraphale.

CROWLEY

You’ve come to smirk at the poor bugger, have you?

AZIRAPHALE

Smirk? Me?

CROWLEY

Well, your lot put him on there.

AZIRAPHALE

I am not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley."

- (The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book, 2018)

SO. Here we have the character of the Christ whose free will and agency had been STRIPPED from him in the guise of a "noble sacrifice." He comes back again on this Earth to fulfill another "inescapable destiny."

Aziraphale and Crowley need to stop him. The solution the Good Omens narrative offers to "inescapable destinies and systems" (both in s1 and s2) is for the character to realize they have the freedom to choose their own fates. It happened with Adam, and it happened with Gabriel, and perhaps it will happen to Jesus.

(At this point my sister frowned and said: "Are you telling me you think Aziraphale and Crowley are going to help Jesus realize he has agency and that him Dying on the Cross for the 'Great Plan' was kinda fucked up actually?" which sounds crazy when you put it like that BUT NEVER SAY NEVER BABIE.)

Because that brings me to my second point: if this all happens, Jesus becomes an AZIRAPHALE parallel.

In the same way Anathema is an Aziraphale parallel and Sergeant Shadwell is an Aziraphale parallel. Here is a character stuck in a suffocating status quo. To save the world, he needs to know he can escape that status quo and decide for himself. In the same way Anathema has to learn how to stop being a descendant or Shadwell to stop being a Witchfinder, or Gabriel to stop being an Archangel, and Adam to stop being an Antichrist, perhaps Jesus has to learn he can stop being... Well, the Christ, as well.

And this, of course, supplements Aziraphale's journey of letting go of the idea of being an idealized vessel of God, so he could finally enjoy the freedom of personhood and choice on Earth, with Crowley.

Or they could turn Jesus into a cackling villain who Aziraphale and Crowley need to kill in season 3, and I'd probably eat that up, too.

[noneorother]

All the music you didn’t hear: The Good Omens soundtrack is lying to you. *Part 1*

The Bonkers Meta Series part 2: Electric Boogaloo.

I so rarely get a chance to misuse my experience in classical music, but here we are. When I realized on my most recent watch-through of the series that the David Arnold score was brilliant, but also really wonky in some parts and I couldn’t put my finger on why, @embracing-the-ineffable suggested I listen to the album soundtrack to compare.

And when I tell you what I found hidden in there, you’re going to need Eccles cakes...

1) The Song is the Clue

So right up top we have this banger. The 12th track on the album is the orchestral backdrop to the scene in the Job minisode where Aziraphale reveals Crowley’s crow/goats. The duration is 2:22 (the only track with multiples on the album), and if you look at the track by itself it doesn’t mean much. But the song just before it is actually from this fucking scene:

You know, the one where there’s a song that’s a clue to a mystery. Except Clue is capitalised, and Aziraphale pronounces it. I’ve seen guesses that this is a reference to the movie Clue, but I would put a lot of money on the fact that we are supposed to read the title of the song currently playing at that moment in the show *as a Clue*, which is super convenient, because the word Clue is capitalized in the track listing. 

Seems like the overlords of Good Omens have a message for us : The song is the Clue. It’s what God wants. Cool cool cool. WHAT SONG?

2) Symmetry in all things 

Before I straight up tell you, we have to go back and look at season 1.

Now I’m far from the first to notice tons of parallels between the story, details and even lines in both seasons. It got me thinking that maybe there are some fun synch-up parallels between the two season’s soundtracks, seeing as they are both 6 episodes long. Here’s the end of S1 and then S2

Oh that’s a bummer, I thought to myself. 

They don’t even add up to the same number, or playtime, and neither of them is exactly 60 tracks. But do you want to hear a secret? S2 is actually missing 3 tracks on the album. And because there are 2 discs in S2 (cute), the numbers of the tracks start over again from 1. Remember how much God likes sevens? Check out where all the weirdness is happening in disc 2 (I’ve added the missing track listings in red to add context):

After checking each track with the show and listening side by side (for reasons that will become clear in another post) I can definitively say that there is something *very weird* going on at the end of episode 4. 

First is track 7, Zombie dressing room, which seems to actually reach over two distinct scenes of the photo evidence in the dressing room and then Shax in hell even though it only has one title.

But *between* these two scenes we get an eerily silent wine date with Aziraphale & Crowley.

There’s really no music or even sound here besides the dialogue and room tone (until after the cheers), and it seems like a very intentionally silent version of a ritz date from season 1.

My best guess is that we are supposed to divide that track into two tracks of 7, before and after the date to get a second track 7. Or maybe the silent one is missing music? The third track number 7 is the weirdest one. It’s this scene here, when Nina parks her bike, and Aziraphale parks the car at the end of S2E4.

If you take a close listen to the music, it’s a jaunty little piece, with an oom-pah base in 3 ⁄ 4 time. The thing is, this music does not exist in any Good Omens album. Please feel free to correct me, but I’ve tried to find any part of any song that this could even be a reprise of, and I Shazammed it to be sure it wasn’t anything else. This song does not exist anywhere except in this scene. (It quickly morphs into a reprise of the original theme once Nina leaves Aziraphale). It’s an invisible song.

So we have 3 tracks at the end of S2E4: a long one, a silent one and an invisible one. Only one of which is numbered 7, but that all fit into that place in the track listing.

Which, when we add the two extras to the original total of fifty-nine we get... sixty-one! Hey wait a minute.

How are we going to get to 62?

3) The real missing track. 

So the real reason we had to go back to the S1 album was because it contains the missing track that God is talking about. Let’s compare the last tracks on each album.

I’ve highlighted the mismatch between the in-show music and the album in S2, which means I had to add A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square back into the S2 album because guess what, it’s not in the S2 album. Even though it plays in the show. 

You want to know how not in the album it is? Amazon had to track it in the show as a season 1 song. They had to give Tori Amos credit for her song on Good Omens in the X-ray bonus features because that’s how not in the album this song is.

So my fellow beings, if the song is the Clue, then It’s what God Wants.

And if God wants a happily ever after with Aziraphale and Crowley on their own side, then by Job, I think Neil is going to give it to her.

-----------

And there's more where that came from! Part 2 coming shortly.

[muninnhuginn]

The thing is that the dynamic between John and James does sound genuinely fascinating from the glimpses we get of it.

John says that James was always better at (social) stuff. James did go out and become a police officer, marry Lucy, and just generally have more of a "normal" life, but it's clear that Lucy thinks John and James *aren't* as dissimilar as John believes. James may have been better at masking, but he clearly didn't have an easy ride either. Still, John is envious of his brother and feels like James is what he *could* have been if he'd been able to venture out into the world. The fact that both brothers had crushes on Lucy only serves to hammer that in.

On the other hand, John is an incredibly successful puzzle solver and spending most of his life in his house in no way detracts from that. The murders he solves appear to be beyond the capabilities of James going by the reactions of everyone else. There's an argument to be had about how much is difference in solving vs being tied in by procedure and social niceties, but either way, John gets accurate results much faster than James ever did. Even if John does very much ignore behavioural factors as he attempts to simplify each crime scene to a "puzzle to be solved".

There's also something to be said for how James' coworkers didn't clock he had been replaced. How none of them even knew he *had* a twin brother. Obviously, there's an element of it being down to the writing in that the game couldn't be given away too quickly, but it does speak of a more distant relationship with his coworkers (perhaps aside from his former partner). And there's the voicemail where James says (though given the context, this can't be taken as 100% true) that he was the one most like their father, in his choice to run away. It was a hint to John, but it only worked as such because they had so little that tied them together in the first place. They grew up together, shared their childhood, and yet, they hadn't spoken in years. Makes me wonder how much of it was neither wanting to be the first to reach out. On John's side that makes total sense (James is the "social successful" one, after all) but James' side is much more a mystery (though, "they're more alike than they seem" comes to mind).

Of course, both of them were impacted by their father leaving as he did. It's spelled out several times that John and James reacted differently. John turning inwards (only pushed further by his bullies and discovering his love of puzzles) whilst James focused outwards (to become more socially successful). But we find that John doesn't want to lose the social aspects once he's found a place for himself. That James is able to go almost entirely non-contact with his family despite knowing the impact his own father had on his family. The one stuck in his house ventures out as the one surrounded by family escapes it all.

All in all, John and James are pretty interesting characters even if we only know one of them secondhand.

*However*, when we actually *see* James in person, my main thought is "that's a second David Mitchell"

[lucysarah-c]

Following your answer on homosexuality in AoT, how would sexism in AoT be handled on both sides of the spectrum, female and male, on Paradis and in Marley?

Hi, dear! How are you?

Ah, that's such a good question. You know, I did a post about it a LONG time ago, but it’s a topic I touch on a lot in my fics and here from time to time.

I'll set the context of my reply with three ideas. First, sexism or misogyny ALWAYS exists. It exists in our society like oxygen does. In many countries, it’s not the same sexism as in the 1800s, but it still exists. Second, the Scouts PER SE are the "wokes" of their time; they don't have the same views, lives, and beliefs as regular people inside the walls. So I always think that the Scouts are a bit of an "exception" from the rest of Paradis.

Third, and I state this because my blog is Levi-centered, Levi is ALREADY a person, and in particular, a man, with a very different and unique upbringing. I DO believe that Levi has a more "modern" or "woke" view on "women," "women's rights," and "house chores" than the rest of the men. I'll simply say this: a man who saw his mother being treated like garbage because she worked as a prostitute, a man who had to raise himself, and a man who RAISED a girl out of pure heart. I hardly think he judges women on how they dress, who they sleep with, or thinks that "a man shouldn't cook or clean/take care of the kids." So Levi is kind of an exception for me. This doesn't mean he doesn't have internalized misogyny or "micro-sexism" (which I'll talk about later).

Overall, despite both societies allowing "women" in the military, I don't think their views on women or men's roles are much different. I believe there are a few clear examples of this in the manga. If my memory serves me correctly (and take this with a grain of salt because I know that Isayama gave multiple interviews, and a lot of them were edited), he said on one occasion that the Scouts were different because usually, everybody helps with all the chores, like cooking, cleaning, etc., because they work more united and as a family than the rest of the military divisions. Second, he said in one interview right after the manga ended that when he draws "military boards or higher ranks," he always keeps in mind not to add women because they aren't allowed.

Other scenes that quickly come to mind that make me think that Paradis (and I'll speak mostly of Paradis because we don't see much of Marley as a society) is a very sexist society with traditional views:

Most of the time, when we are shown military members from the Garrison OR the MPs, they are mostly men.

Which women are shown that are "recalled" from the Garrison? Riko and Anka… What role does Anka have? Being a secretary for Pixis, more or less, a very stereotypical role for a woman.

A very memorable woman from the MPs is Hitch, and there's a scene where it's clearly said that "there's only one way a woman like Hitch can get into the MPs," basically stating that she made sexual favors to get into that position.

Not a single scene from the military board or higher-up positions shows a single woman.

All the mothers of the characters shown in the story are "housewives" or "stay-at-home moms," which is absolutely fine if a woman decides to dedicate her time to her family as long as it’s a decision she made and not because she didn’t have "other options." Even Eren's mother, Carla, is shown to work as a waitress before she became a mother and a housewife.

All this makes me conclude that probably women inside the military never reach far, either because they aren't allowed (men are preferred over them, offered better positions, promoted first) or because once they get married, they are expected to become stay-at-home wives. I can clearly imagine people thinking that if you get promoted as a woman, it's because you're sleeping with your boss, or if you haven't gotten married and had kids at a certain age, "you're wasting your time" or "a woman's role is to be a mom; they only feel fulfilled like that."

This creates a power dynamic: women are expected to be wives; therefore, men are expected to be the main providers. And this is something I can see men, particularly Levi, being affected by. In my fic, I wrote once that Levi gets very offended when the reader invites or pays for him because she comes from a wealthy family. For Levi, as internalized misogyny, HIS role as a man is to provide. What kind of man is he if he's not paying? Especially for the Scouts' men, it's said that the Scouts have the lowest salaries in the military. If they can't provide, their chances of getting married are probably low. Even today, a lot of men get sensitive or offended if their wives make more money than them. Or men get irrationally jealous and butthurt if their women are more successful than them.

Another way men might get the sour end is in terms of emotional availability. While women's harsh reality is known, men's struggles often aren't. For example (one from Marley), Reiner's mother suffers a lot of social prejudice because she had a kid out of wedlock, and her only "salvation" is that Reiner becomes a warrior. Even today, men struggle with being emotionally available and having more feelings than just "lust and anger." I can totally see men all over the AoT world having to be these "very tough" guys who are only allowed to be "human" when they are alone with "their girl/wife." This happened a lot after WWI; men were sent back home with horrible memories of war and society expected them to just "toughen up and be men." Go, work, and provide for your family; and if you're suffering from everything you lived, then learn to be a man.

It's like I can literally imagine Erwin perhaps complaining that he's having a hard time, and Zackly or any other dude would be like, "You know what you need? A wife; she will take care of the rest."

"I don't have time to dedicate."

"Doesn't matter, a good wife always understands."

"… my salary isn't that good."

"Oh well, you know it's never too late for you to change divisions and settle down." pat on the back lmao end of the advice, and Erwin has the same emotional stress as before.

Overall, I think their views are probably as traditional as they were only a couple of years ago. This is completely ignorable for the sake of fanfiction and having fun; not every piece you write has to send a message or be political. But if you ask me how I think canon AoT characters are, I believe a good part of them, if not most, would be very traditional.

Hope this helps! I tried to cover everything I could remember while being as concise as possible. Thank you so much for your question!

Lots of love!

[pomegranate-pen]

Why you shouldn't fall for blondes

Yandere! Aqua Hoshino x Reader

summary:

Perhaps, becoming the official composer for B-Komachi was a mistake.

Sure, the pay was great, and yes, you did get a good sum of followers and subscribers all because of your guest features on the official channel. But somehow, even if you were still much less popular than the girls in front, you’ve been starting to feel…watched.

---- alt title: in which reader, a composer for B-Komachi finds themself being stalked, and needing to take some security measures for safety. unfortunately for them, the situation worsens.

here's the ao3 version if you're more comfortable reading there!

warnings: the usual yandere stuff, such as stalking, kidnapping, manipulation, gaslighting and etc, though, no murder or extreme noncon happens ( though there's still noncon kissing), there are slight mentions of nsfw, but they are in the context of jokes! reader is gender-neutral and uses they/them pronouns.

words: ...30k...lord have mercy...

Perhaps, becoming the official composer for B-Komachi was a mistake.

Sure, the pay was great, and yes, you did get a good sum of followers and subscribers all because of your guest features on the official channel. But somehow, even if you were still much less popular than the girls in front, you’ve been starting to feel…watched.

It was first very subtle, and you only perceived it as perhaps getting a few more glances from strangers due to your face looking familiar. Someone they perhaps saw on their recommendation, or heard of by name or photo. But ever since your job offers outside of Strawberry Productions increased, and your contributions to different art communities have become more acknowledged, you’ve gotten more colleagues and friends around you, and with that, you’ve also felt more stalked than ever.

Still, you naively brushed it off. Or perhaps, you intentionally wanted to constantly ignore it. you've gotten so far, and you’re becoming more popular than you could’ve ever wished for. It was a dream come true, a dream any artist such as yourself would want to achieve. Why stop now just for this small feeling?

Yet, as time passed, and the feeling increased, you couldn’t help but start to feel paranoid. Even now, in the midst of your writings and scribbles in the office, as the B-Komachi team chatted, You heard Kana speak about being forced to take different routes home, because she too, was noticing the pair of eyes behind her back. it was even more concerning when Memcho agreed with her, speaking about how in recent weeks she’s seen articles about different idols finding stalkers around the comforts of their homes.

Shit. That is not good to hear. You take a deep breath, pencil now dropped to the table as you quickly grab your water bottle in stress.

Ruby, ever curious, was first to notice your strange behavior for the day. “You okay there Y/n?”

You turn around to face the group, though refreshed, the water does not help to quell your fears. You cleared your throat, a bit of exhaustion seeping into you. “I’m fine.” Was all you could huff.

“You don’t look fine.” Memcho gave you a concerned look.

Soon enough, Arima’s attention seemed to be caught as well, though her tone was more scolding rather than concerned, you knew her intentions were in the right place. “If you have something on your mind, it’s best to tell your coworkers rather than stay silent”. She raised a brow. “Is it about our vocals in the new song?”

Not wanting to see another feud of Arima’s self-deprecating humor and Ruby’s repeated determination to sing the notes perfectly, you quickly answered the question. “No No- it’s not that at all-“In a hurried moment, you felt the hairs on your skin stand still as you felt the same piercing gaze once more. You glance behind you in a fit of panic, yet you only find Miss Saitou and Aqua busy with their work, and that feeling of edge left as soon s it came, leaving you confused and a bit horrified. Saitou looked at you with concern.

“…are you truly fine, L/n?” she questioned, and you were left speechless as now everyone in the room was staring at you like you were going insane.

“I-..I uh…” Ah fuck. Perhaps, it wouldn’t hurt to tell them. After all, usually when one doesn’t tell others about such strange situations, they end up dead in an alleyway- or at least- that’s what all the crime movies have told you.” This might be me being overwhelmed by how popular B-Komachi is getting..but, ..I think I have a stalker.”

You didn’t really want to look at them, you were completely sure they were smiling and holding back cackles of laughter. Is a mere composer for the band getting stalked rather than the team itself? It’s more than just funny, it’s ridiculous.

Silence takes over the room, and for 15 solid seconds, you keep thinking perhaps they’re holding back their giggles. Yet nothing comes out, and you finally look up to them, only to see horrified faces. Surprisingly enough, Ruby’s expression was the most haunting of all. it’s as if she saw a murder happen right in front of her. Aqua was the first to cut through the silence, and though his expression looked solemn, he did seem quite conflicted. Yet..there’s something different about his expression. Something you couldn’t quite place. It’s as if he was masking something else. You truly weren't certain about what exactly he was masking. Perhaps it was the true horror he felt? After all, Aqua is an actor, he’s most likely using these skills to calm everyone down and not add more fuel to the fire. He’s always been caring in that sense. “Are you certain it’s a stalker, Y/n?”

“I mean…not really.” You answer truthfully. The more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you feel. There was this sort of tension your mind was warning you about, a sort of alarm, that the gaze you so fear is still right around the corner. Curse these anxieties, you thought. You try to shake off those thoughts and continue with your explanation. “ It’s kinda just like what Kana said, a pair of eyes everywhere- but lately, it’s been getting more frequent.”

You take another glance at Ruby, and you feel guilt course through you.“I-I’m sure it’s nothing though! I’m probably just being paranoid and stupid- sorry to worry you guys-“ her eyes were so sorrowful, it’s as if she’s seen a ghost. She looks at you as if you just spoken about a traumatizing experience with perfect nonchalance. And you wonder, maybe you did, and your fear has now increased tenfold.

“Paranoia or not, with the level of fame B-Komachi is acquiring these days, it wouldn’t hurt to enhance more security in your lives.” Saitou soon looked back at her computer, the sounds of her quick typing apparent. “ I can add more security to the building here since we now have the funds available for it. you can also ask us to install some security devices in your houses if you two feel that worried about it.”

“huh? I’m not that concerned.” Kana shrugged, though her face was a little bit more on edge than before. “ I just said it as a casual comment. I-I expected something like this anyway-I can find my way out of a situation like this easily.” Though her show of confidence was admirable, you could notice in her slight shifts in posture and twitches in her eye that she wasn’t feeling that safe now either. Now deepening more of your guilt as you silently berate yourself for even bringing the topic up.

To your relief and slight concern, Ruby finally spoke. “ Still, we should be really careful from now on, I don’t want any of us to get hurt.” Something was certainly off with her, too. But you couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. The twins have always been a mystery to you. though Ruby is better to understand, there are certain tones she has that make her words feel a bit like a lie or hide a deeper agenda. And for Aqua, it was always evident that he lies to hide certain emotions, or rather, lies to fabricate some emotions he shows to the public. Nevertheless, though your observation skills have always been on the stellar side, you still can’t fully understand who they are. And right now, with the cautious and out-of-character seriousness that Ruby’s tone has, you can guess that there’s a deeper reason for her tense nature. Still, that doesn’t explain the eerie feeling you get from Aqua. The nonchalance he has isn’t out of his personality, yet it plants a seed of doubt in your mind. “We should leave the place in groups from now on. “

“I agree.” Aqua comments. “We should be in groups divided by two, each person should walk with someone who's closer to their neighborhood.”

----

To your constant unfortunate luck, your home is much farther than everyone else's. With that, Ruby and Saitou paired up together, Since they live together, of course. Arima and Memcho were luckily near each other, and all that was left were you and Aqua. Though. Aqua could’ve easily just paired up with Ms.Saitou and Ruby, everyone thought it was ideal if you had a pair as well. after all, you are the one who raised the stalker concerns, as much as that guilts you now.

“Something on your mind, Y/n?”

In the now dark quiet streets of the once busy city, you find yourself ashamed and embarrassed for staying up all night again and working on the new song, completely forgetting about the blonde actor that was patiently waiting for you. it was around one a.m. when you finally checked the time and remembered the companion just a few seats away from you. After some apologizing, you began your walk to the now-empty streets. Hey, at least we avoided the crowd traffic’ Aqua commented, though it wasn’t really helpful in soothing your embarrassment. "It’s nothing. I just feel bad about bumming out your sister. Sorry about that.”

Aqua merely hummed, the casual sour look still on his face." don't blame yourself. It’s not your comment that got her frightened per se. we…didn’t have a good experience when the first B-Komachi fell from grace.”

Right, Ai Hoshino’s murder. The infamous idol that Ruby and Aqua always seemed so fond of seeing as a role model, they must’ve been scarred from her death as well, you figured. You give Aqua a sympathetic look. “ I can only imagine how hard it was for everyone in Strawberry Productions. He was silent for a moment, and the only noise in the dark streets was from the few little cars that were passing by. You wonder if you’ve crossed the line somewhere- perhaps your choice of words has caused a misunderstanding- but before you can clarify anything he finally speaks.

“Yeah…she was the star that always lit up the room. without her, everything started feeling….” The space between all his words, the hesitancy that was in his posture and tone, it was something you’d never seen from Aqua. an enigma of emotion from an emotionless boy.”… dim.”

“I see…” was all you could reply with. A few moments pass by, and by the unmoving stare Aqua has on the ground, you knew he was quite gloomy now. “Well- if it makes you feel any better…I think Ruby has that certain light Ai had.”

Aqua gives a small scoff. “She’s more like a fire hazard than a star.” He mumbles.

“And you say that because?”

“She gets too excited. I don’t understand why she wants to be an idol given our experience with it.” 

oh, so everyone else wasn’t exaggerating. He is quite a bit protective of her. Even so, you wouldn’t go as far as calling him a siscon…although, Kana did mention that his protective behavior has died down a bit ever since your arrival. A connection that you were completely confused about, since there could be no way that you have affected their relationship in such a way when you were just a mere stranger to them. You go to a completely different school and only briefly known Arima as an old classmate. That was the only connection you had to B-Komachi until Saitou ordered a few commissions from you.

“Have you ever thought that maybe because of how much Ai has shined for her, she just wants to be that same star for others?” you suggest, though it was more of an absentminded thought of yours that’s been in the back of your mind for a few months now. You’ve seen her passion, and her love for the craft even through its hardships. And from a stranger's perspective, she’s got the best chance of being an idol than any other normal teenager. Her mother is a manager of an entertainment agency, and her brother already has a good reputation in acting. By all means, the field was hers for the taking.

Even so, your comment seemed to shock him once more. As he stops replying for a few minutes. you try to observe his expression, to see if there’s any change whatsoever, yet, once again, he remains as he’s always been. Whether he believes it or not, you must admit, he has exceptional skill in acting. Though he might not realize himself, the very power of hiding your true emotions requires much skill, one that Aqua honed from the very beginning of his childhood. It’s a certain skill not all people possess, and certainly not all actors of his age, it is why you believe he still gets so many roles, even if he thinks his skills are lackluster at best. Human expressions are often easy to decipher and understand. You know when someone’s angry or relaxed. Frightened or excited. But with Aqua, it’s all blank, even now, you find it extremely frustrating trying to decipher his expression’s emotions, and you probably look like a psychopath with how hard you’re staring at his face. Despite that, he doesn’t give one flinch under your gaze.

“Are you sure you’re not the real stalker? ” he solemnly says. You snap back to reality, looking away a bit embarrassed (and honestly, a bit amused by his dry humor,). You quickly apologize, muttering up an excuse about being stuck on a new song that’s in your head before looking straight ahead again.

“You’re not wrong, by the way.” He speaks up again. “ I guess…it does seem fitting for her to have that kind of goal.”

You merely hum at that, but soon enough, a question pops into your mind.

“What about you?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you in the industry?” you asked and gave him a glance, soon noticing that he was glancing at you as well. “You once told me that you hated acting. Is that still true?”

“There’s someone I’d like to meet.” He replied rather quickly this time. “And the only way to meet him is by going to the top in this industry, little by little.”

“Can’t you just…call him or something? Is he that big?”

“…I don’t know.” He meekly replied, speaking in riddles at this point. “ I just know he’s an actor.” Before you could question anything further, quell all the confusion in your remind by his words, he stops dead in his tracks and looks up behind you.

“This is your spot, right?” 

You look behind you, seeing the ever-so-familiar- apartment complex your family lives in. “Uh…yeah.” You felt a bit of doubt get aced within you, and you quickly try to find out why. Soon, your eyes widened and you look at Aqua confused once again. “wait- how did you know I lived in this building?” 

He looks at you blankly. “ you talked about annoying upstairs neighbors and your elevator breaking once. The only apartment around this area is yours, and the other building don’t have enough levels to consider an elevator.”

“okay?...you seriously got all that from one conversation with me?” you smiled a bit, amused by his strange nature. 

Aqua merely hummed and shrugged. “ I’ve been told I have a good memory.”

“thoughtful, smart and handsome? Damn Aqua, no wonder everyone’s all heart eyes for you.” you teased a bit. “you’re like a prince charming and a bad boy all fit into one.”

“A bad boy?” he questioned, his tone, if one listened to it closely enough, a bit baffled by that statement. “In what terms could I be a bad boy?"

“I mean..in terms of otome games pretty much? It’s like you’re the popular kid and the aloof and quiet one-“

“So not a bad boy.”

“Hey now- one could argue that the quiet guy’s always a sort of a bad boy-“

“Does he ever commit any crimes or go against a certain system?”

“Well…no-“

“So then, not a bad boy.”

“Are you seriously arguing with me about otome characters?” you couldn’t help but chuckle, a giddy smile on your face. “Are you mad that I called you a bad boy?”

“No.” he huffed, and your excitement was further increased that he actually replied with a bemused tone rather than his normal monotone one. “ I just don’t see why anyone could perceive me as a bad boy.”

“Aqua,” you start getting amusingly serious about this discussion, completely forgetting the time and world around you. “ can we agree that a bad boy is basically the character who goes against a certain system in the story? Whether it’s the school or some sort of council?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then you’re a bad boy.”

“You lost me.” Aqua looks at you disappointed, and you giggle at this point, feeling rejuvenated at the fact that you're slowly breaking Aqua’s ice on emotions. 

“You usually go against what a production or producer says during a show- like how you helped Akane get her reputation back after that scandal with the reality show.”

“That’s not really going against a system. I just did the right thing.”

“Spoken like a true bad boy!” you grinned. “That’s the exact words they say to the MC when they have a heart-to-heart.” 

“Do you play otome games that much?”

“Do you always have to change the conversation when I’m right?”

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, Aqua’s blank face breaks, and he laughs. He giggles like he's been holding back for hours now, and the ballon of his façade was finally popped. And his smile, oh god, his smile- it wasn’t one of politeness or fake charm, like you’ve often seen him do on that reality show, no. it was real. And it was full of huffs and wheezes, like a true laugh would be. You thought you’d merely cracked his icy expression, but you’ve fully shattered it, it seems. 

“Was what I said that funny?” you smile a bit, an unbeknownst giddy feeling taking over you from this whole ordeal. 

“No, not really-” He huffs out another laugh, yet he tries to hide it with his hands. You want to grab that hand of his and put it back down, to see that true smile of his as he looks at you, but you stay put, and let him find comfort between the hand, holding it as a mask of sorts. “ but your reactions are.” 

There’s a certain twinkle in his eye, a certain shine on his starry pupil that was always black. It was like a light was shining in it, it was looking almost like Ruby’s. it’s pure, and full of excitement, though his is more peaceful than his sister’s. you find yourself feeling your heart warm up, feeling a sense of victory over what you’ve done. Like you’ve cracked a case or solved an impossible puzzle, given a checkmate to a grandmaster in chess.

“You know, you should smile more.” You unconsciously blurt out. “It suits you.”

He doesn’t say anything to that, but it’s obvious now from his expressions ( you can’t believe you can say that now) that he’s shocked by your words, and bashful about it too. His cheeks get a rosy tint as he avoids your gaze. 

“It’s really late.” He mumbles. “You should go inside now.” 

“Right…” You sighed, now fixing up the bag on your shoulders and making your way inside. You’re one step away from opening the apartment’s door when Aqua suddenly calls out to you. As you turn around, what you see is a complete shift in Aqua’s expression, going from embarrassed and bashful to sorrowful and serious. 

“If anything happens, just text one of us.” 

Ah right. The stalker. You’ve almost forgotten about it on your walk with Aqua. though you sometimes did feel the prickling gaze, you merely ignored it, feeling safe with another companion beside you. yet now, knowing that tonight of all nights, your parents have left for a business trip together and you’re home alone makes fear in you settle in once more. You only nod in reply, now waving a bit at him then finally opening the door, and letting the fall breeze get away from you, and the sensation of warm heaters settle on your skin once more.

---

You couldn’t sleep. 

From the moment you stepped into your house, something was up. You weren’t sure what it was. Either the eery silence that filled the place or the emptiness it has now, there was something wrong with your house, and you didn’t know where to look. 

You made sure to lock all the doors and windows, turn on the TV, and put it on a reality show with the volume up just to give the potential stalker the illusion that you’re perhaps not alone. Coincidentally so, it was Aqua’s reality show that the channel was airing, so your fear-riddled and insomniac mind decided to make up a midnight snack and watch the episode.

With the blaring lights and strange love triangle (and honestly, a lack of drama compared to their Western counterparts,) you used the show as white noise as you scrolled through your phone. 

‘Just text one of us’. Sure, that could’ve been useful if it wasn’t three in the morning and everyone was asleep by now, with their phones either on silent or turned off for good measure. Everyone is offline for now, everyone, except one, you noticed. Aqua, apparently, is still wide awake, and has been online for the last thirty minutes. with a few sleepy thoughts, you decided to bite the bullet and text him.

      Y/N: hey

     Y/N: can’t sleep either?

God. That was a cringey line. You hissed a bit at your own horrible conversation starters. You only hoped he doesn’t ignore your text so you’d just awkwardly delete it by the next morning. Luckily enough, he’s seen the message, and soon little bubbles appeared on your phone. 

  Aqua: No.

  Aqua: I’m not even home yet.

Oh shit. Was your home that far from his? You felt really bad now.

 Y/n: oh :( 

  Y/N: is your place far? 

Aqua’s typing, and you’re patiently waiting for his reply by watching the TV again. Seeing how many fake smiles he puts on this show, you find yourself prideful in finding a true one tonight. Yet, a piercing fear soon latches on your pride, and you quickly look around in every direction, feeling the familiar watchful eyes. Though it was small, just like how it was at first, you can slowly feel it building up, and for a moment, you wonder if this is just your paranoia. You gulped. Your phone buzzes. 

Aqua: No. I just didn’t feel like going home right now. I like taking walks near the park at this time.

You look at your phone. The feeling pierces you. you look up. it fades away. you rinse and repeat, and with every drop of paranoia, your heart becomes an ocean of fear. You try to ignore it. it must be your imagination. There is nothing here. 

 Y/n: ohh that’s cool.

 Y/N: wish I had the confidence to do that all alone lol. I get pretty scared when I’m alone.

A loud noise erupts beside you and you flinch. You frantically look around, only to realize it was just the shocked gasp and overly edited slap sound of that infamous scene with Akane. You grumble at yourself. 

Aqua: It’s pretty easy to do when you’re mind is somewhere else entirely. Usually, people make playlists for such occasions.

At least Aqua’s texting is helping you distract your mind from that fear. You smile a bit. 

Y/n: ‘usualy people’?? what do you do? just accept the atmosphere?

Aqua: No.

Aqua: I just think there a lot.

Y/N: lmao nerd.

Aqua: You’re not funny.

Y/n: emo nerd.

Aqua: still unfunny.

Y/n: I should make you an emo song. Do you by chance like my chemical romance??

Aqua: Blocked.

You snicker, and a feeling of ease washes over you as you lightly bully him more. Though in five minutes the feeling of fear started to soothe down, it was now increased with a chime of a notification, and a message left you still and frozen. 

The name was just a phone number, one completely unknown to you. the text being as mocking as it could be by asking you, 

XXXXXXXXXX: do you watch reality shows often, Y/n? you don’t seem like the type.

 Worst part was, that it was on your normal messenger app, one usually used to get some dumb advertisements and bank account info. Whoever this guy was, they knew your phone number. It made you even more sick, and you quickly blocked them. Your breathing heightened a bit as you finally got up from your couch and clicked on every light switch in the house. With thoughts on where they could be plaguing your mind, you rush to the kitchen, grabbing the sharpest knife you can and clutching it as your life depended on it- because in fact, it did. And that makes you feel even more hopeless. 

Your phone chimes again, and unfortunately, it wasn’t Aqua. a new phone number, again, one you don’t know. The text made you want to hurl. To scream and tell whoever they were to get out and show themselves before you force them out. 

XXXXXXXXX: That knife won’t help you

Fucking hell. Shit.shit shit shit— your breathing became ragged. Your mind started spiraling all over the place with thoughts on where they could be. In the closets, the vents, the cupboards behind you—

You open them. Nothing’s in there. you take a deep breath to calm down. It fails miserably. Should you call the cops maybe?—

Your phone buzzes

Aqua: did you fall asleep on me?

Oh thank god- he’s still awake. You get up, knife on the kitchen table and inches away from you as you quickly type. 

Y/n: Aqua

Y/n: oh my god the stalker is real

You take a screenshot of the texts and send it to him.

Y/n:  I don’t know what the fuck to do

Y/n: should I call the police????

Y/n: I’m home alone rn. But I keep feeling like someone’s watching me.

You wonder for a moment, that if you texting him this seems desperate and uncalled for. Your mind quickly berates you for that. This could be life or death. It’s a potential kidnapping we’re talking about- though, then again, why not just call the police- but he did say to text anyone if anything happens- that included him, right?- Of course it did, you think. Aqua at the moment is the only awake person you can trust right now. Maybe. Maybe not. Oh god why are you thinking about this so much-

Aqua: No. don’t call them. The stalker might get away.

Y/n : ????? that’s exactly what I want to happen???

Aqua: if they get away they’ll just target someone else. Stay put, don’t freak out.

Y/n: don’t freak out??? Aqua??? I’m??being???stalked??? they know where I live????? they’re watching me RIGHT NOW???? 

In your small conscious part remaining, you wonder if you’re freaking out a bit too much. But at the moment, your hands are shaking, and you can feel yourself at the very brink of a mental breakdown. You think you might die, or something even worse potentially happening. 

Aqua: I know.

Aqua: just trust me please.

Aqua: I’m on my way right now.

Aqua: I’m not too far.

A sickening notification pops up.

XXXXXXXX: why are you crying?

Huh? Crying? Since when did you-

They send a picture of your crying, the perspective seeming zoomed in through the window of your house.

You fall silent, now noticing the teardrops that dribbled to your thumb, all coming down from your eyes like a wave. At this point, your body was shaking as if the room had been chilled to the bone. Your heartbeat has gotten so loud you can’t even think. You slowly turn your head to the window, and fall in despair over the empty displays of the buildings right next to you. 

Y/n: Aqua

 Y/n: If I die

Y/n: I’m going to fucking haunt you

Your sniffles have become louder, and you couldn’t help but just clutch your phone and knife for dear life as your eyes scan every corner. The feeling is still there. the prickling, needle-like sense of eyes watching your every flinch and tear. It felt like you were an object, like you were made to be in terror for this sick person’s amusement. All you could do now is hum your favorite lullaby and hope to dear life that it’d calm you down and you won’t die tonight.

Then, it happened. A familiar footstep slowly trudged near your door. A familiarity you never even knew it even existed. It’s the same almost quiet steps, one taken with such slow and meticulous planning, that you’d almost think it didn’t exist, that it was all just your imagination. For a long time, you thought it was. For months, you were sure it was all in your head, that these strange tip-toed footsteps and piercing gaze is merely your anxiety knowing your mind. But it wasn’t. dear god it wasn’t. the person behind that door was your stalker. Your heart is racing badly. You gulped, and a few broken breaths of gasp and tears spilled down more. You clutched the knife for dear life. Tonight was your doom.

Three knocks bang on your door. “Y/n? “ the voice, soothing yet cold, makes your senses fall down and your breath hitch. “ it’s me, Aqua.” 

Quickly, with no time to lose and a gasp of relief, you get up from your seat and scramble to open every lock you put on the door. When it opens, you’re met with an out of breath Aqua, as if he ran all the way just to get to you, yet you see no sweat on his forearms or face. But that didn’t matter to you, all that mattered was that you weren’t alone. You’re safe. Safe here. with Aqua.

“Have you been crying?” his question goes unanswered. You just look at him with more tears threatening to fall down. Your breath hitches and you break into sobs. All the shock and fear leaves your body quickly, leaving aftershocks of emotional turmoil and pain. You hug him, and you don’t know why exactly you do. it was probably from relief, from the thought of not dying tonight. But you wreak in the sobs like there’s no tomorrow as you clutch his black hoodie for dear life. Your mind is in shambles, so it doesn’t cross you odd that he hadn't gone home, yet had a complete wardrobe change now. The only thing you cared about was that he was here, and the stalker wasn’t. or at least, the stalker won’t appear. Not when he’s around.

Slowly, Aqua hugs you back. he holds you tight and lets you make a mess of tears and sniffles on his hoodie as he tries to calm you down. 

“I’m here now. There’s no need to be scared.”

Right. He’s here. and when Aqua’s here, you don’t feel that gaze on you anymore. As if it faded away entirely. When he’s here, you feel relieved. 

He really is just like a prince charming.

-----

It’s been two weeks since that accident, and due to it, you found yourself now living with the B-Komachi team all in the same apartment. 

Aqua said he checked all the streets and alleyways around him after he called Ms.Saitou that night, telling her to drive him back into their home now for safety. Saitou convinced Aqua to contact the police as well, so they could send an investigator to be on the case. You don’t know how much evidence they’ve found for now, but from how frustrated Saitou looked these days, you can guess things weren’t going well. 

“I win again!”

“What?! But I was almost first place!! You definitely cheated-“

“Ruby, did you forget I stream for a living? Obviously, I have good skills in these games-“

“still!! I was so close to winning that one…” 

-“Could you two be quiet for a minute? I’m trying to memorize my lines here-“

“Then go to another room!”

“The other rooms are too cold to sit in!”

“Then take a blanket with you.”

“No way, I’d get sleepy.”

“You’re just scared of being alone, aren’t you?”

“W-what?! N-no! Obviously not!”

You sigh, unable to concentrate on yourself now from the commotion going on behind you. you close your laptop and put it on your blanketed lap, putting on your earbuds and hoping that the girls’ enthusiasm over living together dies down in the next weeks at least. 

Living with B-Komachi has become…well- as best as it could be. It’s not like they were bad people- of course not. And you all got along well too. But the whole ‘almost dying and fearing for your entire life’ thing that happened less than a month ago has left you pretty on edge lately. You can’t bring yourself to write anything or even do anything ever. The only thing you made was a small lyrics drabble, but it was so bizarre and different from other songs you made for them that you just abandoned the whole draft. Honestly, right now all you desire is an eternal nap and an unlimited supply of your favorite songs (or as unlimited as they can get, though Spotify has been really annoying you these days with its ads). 

You want to be excited about this, to bond more with the girls and get a better understanding of who the group is and what music fits them best, but you can’t bring yourself to do it when everything feels so new and nauseating to be around. You were used to being alone, to having your parents leave on work trips on a daily and having a senseless quiet takeover of the room. having another presence in the house, and the presence being as loud as their group is, was not really helpful in getting accustomed to this new setting Ms.Saitou assured would only be a ‘one week’ thing. A precaution was just made to make sure the ‘Ai’ incident doesn’t occur again.

It was weird enough how easily Kana and Memcho accepted this situation and Kana’s parents even gave the green light, but it was even more shocking that your parents didn’t even call to check on you and just gave you a lousy text of ‘hope you’re okay’.

How they even gave permission for you to stay here was bad too. They didn’t even know you worked for Strawberry Productions- how on earth were they okay with you staying here? did they not care for you that much?

Sure, it was you who had to accept it anyway- and you did, because at this point, there was nowhere else to go. Living with your parents would only lead to depressing moments, since conversations with them always felt like speaking to a stranger rather than your own family- and relatives? Out of the question. the ones you favor are way too far, and the ones that are close aren’t near enough to your school and work.

The more you thought about it, the more your frown deepened and you buried yourself into your blanket, one of the few things you brought with you from the apartment, and one that gives you a little ounce of comfort in this unknown area.

“hey,” a shadow looms over you, and you don’t even turn around to see who it was. It was obvious from their voice. Determined, bit bossy, yet kind and well-meaning. Kana has always been the one you were closest to around here. although, that's not really saying much, since you have that feeling only because you’ve been classmates in the past, but have never spoken a word to each other. “give me some space.” She said, almost in a demanding tone- but you knew her intentions were from the immense kindness she possessed. a kindness that could be a blessing and a curse, one might argue. You tuck your legs in and scooch a bit deeper into the couch’s back, giving enough space for Kana to sit down and look at you with her intense gaze. “How are you holding up?” The question made you feel numb.

“meh.”

Her eyes squinted in slight annoyance at your response, though, you could see the underlying worry in it. “ I’m serious.” She huffed. “ it’s fine if you still feel pretty shitty. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

“so do you feel shitty?”

'Do you feel shitty?' is an amusing, yet mind-pausing question. do you? do you feel like an absolute fucking tired and exhausted and in need of a slumber of death kind of person right now? Well, to them, you probably look the part now, don’t you? Dressed in the most comfortable clothes you had, doing none of your school work, barely doing any music work and drowning yourself in your biggest comforts while dissociating from the world around you. 

“I…maybe?” your voice breaks to one of confusion. “ I don’t know what I feel,” you move around a bit, your neck feeling a bit cramped from the twist it had to remain in just to see her. “ I don’t know what to feel. “ you sighed. 

“It’s just that— well…” you stay silent for a moment, collecting your thoughts, then you speak again. “It all just happened so fast…I don’t know what to process first or last. Actually, I’d rather not process anything at all.” You turn your neck around, freeing it from its frustrating twist and now looking at the ceiling. “ I just wish I could forget it. because deep down, I know this isn’t a one-time thing.” 

“hm? What do you mean by that?”

You look at her blankly for a moment, thinking perhaps you should shut your mouth and not explain further, afraid that it’ll lead to more fear growing and breaking the calm atmosphere this apartment has despite its dark reasoning for even being occupied with idol residents at the moment. You can still hear Ruby and Memcho fighting over who gets to be player one on the game they're playing, your songs, though now white noise to your conversation, still give you a sense of peace. You’d rather hold these small threads of positivity rather than prick and destroy them one by one. Unfortunately for you, Kana Arima is a professional actress first, Idol second. And as part of her career, she has studied the human expression and it’s changes for years on end. She’s enhanced her skills, skills that easily surpass your observant ones. Just like you, she can sense the fake smiles of Aqua, she sees the stress that lays behind Saitou’s shoulders, and she absolutely can see the blank look you give her being one of conflict and hesitance. She furrows her eyebrows at you and crosses her arms. 

“Hiding all the bad things and keeping it to yourself won’t fix the issue.” She started scolding you as if you were a child, her little sibling she’s trying to give a good life lesson to. “Like it or not, you’re a part of the B-Komachi team. It doesn’t matter if you’re on stage or behind the scenes. It’s your songs that people enjoy. This whole stalker thing should be enough proof for you to realize how valuable you are to this team.”

“—Kana, we don’t even know why the stalker had me as a target in the first place— it could’ve been the same old creepy gross guys who follow high schoolers.”

 “Still,” she urged. “Hiding your feelings and digging them down won’t help. Trust me, I’ve been there.” 

You take a glance at her, and only see a face of understanding. However, there was a tint of red on her cheeks, and her eyes looked like they were far back in memory lane. It’s then you remember her huge crush on Aqua that's gotten crushed by the reality TV debacle. Even though that relationship didn’t last, purely because it was a fake one anyway, it seemed to have stung a lot for her. 

You hesitate, though come to the conclusion that what you’ll say might help with the strange situation you’ve all been cast in. After all, the last time you’ve spoken about things, you’ve survived a potential murder.

“I feel horrified.” You gulped. “ I keep— I keep feeling like this isn’t the last time I saw that stalker- it wasn’t a first time either. Something about the way they texted…the way they watched me was so oddly familiar.” You started fidgeting with your fingers out of stress, completely avoiding her gaze now. “so I’ve been thinking— and I-I know this sounds crazy but- I never walked back home after school, I always headed to the Strawberry Production building, and after my work’s done I head back home…and honestly? I never had that sense of being watched when I was walking out of school…only when I was heading back home from work I felt it— I guess- what I’m saying is-“

“You think the stalker might be working in the agency, right?”

“Y-yeah pretty much” you sighed. It felt like you were disobeying something, disrespecting a rule by accusing the very agency and team that is offering you protection. “ sounds pretty crazy, right?” you joked, desperately trying to lighten the mood. “I might be losing my mind.”

Kana is quiet. Unusually so. Her gaze remains stuck on the ground beneath you as she pouts in thought.”…you might be on to something there.”

“Wait- seriously?”

“I mean- you said it yourself.” She reasoned. “ the only time you felt like the stalker was near was when you got out of the building- and this all started happening when you joined the team in the first place, so this leads to one conclusion—“ she finally looks back up at you, a perplexed frown on her face and eyes that seemed filled with the same fear you feel. “ the stalker is someone inside the agency- specifically someone working with B-Komachi.”

You wanted to continue the conversation, to perhaps lead to a few suspects or at the very least a few key clues you could give to the detectives later, or maybe even, just investigate the whole thing yourself since they didn’t seem to be doing much. But as you were going to speak, the front door opened and everyone’s eyes quickly went to the bags of takeout, and the meticulous blonde who was holding onto them. 

“They only had one can of strawberry soda left.” He said, not understanding the war he was about to erupt.

“DIBS!!!!” Ruby’s war cry was followed with screams of NO!!, soon Kana chased after her and left you and Memcho to quietly look at each other and mourn the peace that was in this building for less than half a day. 

----

Emptied-out sodas and cardboard, oil-drenched baskets of food are left for you to pick up for the night. With the B-Komachi’s starry idols all napping soundly on the couches, too tired to even go back to their rooms to sleep, you and Aqua are left to pick up the mess from today’s banquet. 

You would go to a giant bear nap too if it weren’t for the fact that you were rotting in bed all day, then relocated to the couch when Memcho urged you to get out of the room for once in a while. For Aqua, however, you really can’t find a reason. Other than the feeling of obligation and responsibility as an older brother, that is.

“Are you done with the trash?” he quietly whispers out. you nod, closing up the black plastic bag with your palm and walking up to the small kitchen where he was, mopping up some traces of food you could barely see in the dot.

“Thanks for helping.” You whispered back, done with your last task and sitting on one of the chairs. “ you really didn’t have to.”

Aqua merely shrugged, the broom that was in his hand now placed in the small corner of the place. “ it was nothing.” Was his only response, right before he surprisingly enough, took out a chair and sat across you. he looks at you with a focused gaze- one completely different from the underlying sympathetic gaze Kana had. “how are you feeling?”

Frankly, you were a bit tired from constantly hearing this question, but you can understand why they keep asking it. not everyone comes out of a situation like this fine, or even unscathed. truth is, you feel terrible. You feel far more than shitty ever. You just want to wake up, to realize this has all been a creepy dream made up by your brain as punishment for the lack of sleep you keep giving yourself. Alas, no matter how much you blink or how muh you sleep now, you wake up in the same place. The new unfamiliar apartment and the uneasy feeling. 

This is the first time Aqua directly speaks to you after the incident, first time after seeing you sob on his shoulder like you saw your life flash between your eyes. It feels awkward, to say the least. You can’t help but avoid his gaze, too embarrassed and vividly remembering the way you held onto him that night. God dammit- how does he easily affect people this much?! He barely does anything, he’s not even flirtatious or teasing, yet, his words and sincerity are so raw and real, it makes people, and unfortunately even you, swoon. 

“fine. I guess.”

“good.” Unlike Kana, Aqua doesn’t pry much longer. He doesn’t try to spill information out of you. why that reason is, belonged to either his way of interrogating being different, or the fact that he was there in the moment, and knows that you are in fact, not fine. “ have you made any new songs?” 

A bitter taste forms in your mouth, feeling disappointment reek into your bones from your own laziness. “just some lyrics.” You muttered ashamed. Yet Aqua didn’t criticize, nor did he pressure you to work more. Rather, he asked if he could look at the work, and so you booted up your laptop and gave it for him to scroll. Usually, the first people who get to give an opinion on the work is B-Komachi’s idols themselves, then you approach Aqua to give a fan’s perspective of the work. So, to simply put, you were feelign quite nervous about the whole new ordeal, praying to the universe that you haven’t goofed up or messed up a word in the lyrics. Aqua doesn’t flinch, barely even blinks as he intently reads your newest work. It’s quite cute, how he gets so serious when it comes to idols. A little creepy yes- but still quite nice, since he never really seem interested in much anyway. Even towards his career, he seemed quite bored of it. yet with Idols and their songs, and specifically and weirdly enough, how they give hope to younger fans, he seems quite determined and entranced by it. at your first week working, he once told you that ‘the first hope in a fan ignites when they hear song resonating with them’. You never quite understood that, since all the songs you’ve heard from idols have been about hope and trying hard, but you always found those words to be just empty lies. A little motivator as white noise when you’re working to the bones for a dream that is impossible to achieve. To you, one doesn’t just ahcieve success by sheer hard-work. Usually, all you need is luck and money. Despite that ideal, look at where you are now. Gone from a small composer just sending songs online as a hobby to a full-blown career. Maybe , sometimes in the world all you need is hard-work. 

Something about that makes you feel weird.

Aqua leans away from the blaring lights of the computer, his eyes that were glued to the screen now glancing at you. you shift awkwardly for a moment, feeling your heart beat rise up as you ask the haunting question. “thoughts?”

He looks back at the computer again, then at you. his eyes were so deep in thought that for an anxious moment— you think that he might trying to formulate his harsh critcism in the nicest way possible—

“I think it’s amazing.” 

You look at him bewildered. A sense of pride slowly grows in your heart, but you urge him with your expression to continue.  

“it’s…well it’s not really B-Komachi’s style at all- but in terms of your skills- it’s the best thing you’ve made yet.” Your look is enough shock to urge him to continue. “ it feels more..like you than B-Komachi. You wrote this from the heart and it shows.”

“…huh, I never really thought of it that way..” you think back on the lyrics, remembering the undertones of worries each line had about the costs of stardom- something that was meant to be about reaching high like a star has become a criticism of such a possibility- just like Aqua said, it’s a song not fit for B-Komachi’s thoughts, but yours instead.

“ it’s moving.” Aqua said, with a normal tone and unmoving expression, yet also with eyes looking back at you with such strong wielded boldness, he comes off serious. “ it feels like I’m looking at thing in an idols real perspective rather than the perception they show for the fans.” 

“so…It’s stupidly edgy and I need to scrap it?” you huffed out, now criticizing every line you wrote within your mind. 

Aqua’s eyebrows furrow, his eyes look at you with frightening intimidation. “I want you to keep writing this.”

“woah, ok there bad boy,” You tried to shrug off the fear that jumped on your shoulders. “ why are you so serious about this?”

He takes a moment to answer, only starring at the laptop screen before him, scanning the lines once more as he speaks. “I’ve seen how you work.” For a moment, his comment comes off as jarring, until you remember the night he stayed with you till late night for the group walk. “ you often start working on a song for hours, but halfway through you get scared and give up on it. no matter how good it is, you listen to it so much that you suddenly start seeing flaws in it and you start from scratch one more time.”

Feeling embarrassed, you quickly defend yourself. “I just wanna make sure it’s catchy even by the tenth listen- it’s how you keep making fans come back for more.”

“No, you do it because you’re a perfectionist.” Ouch. That one stung a bit. “ you have so much anxiety over your work not being good enough that you don’t stop until you’re completely satisified with it.”

“W-well— well…uh…!” you desperately try to find excuses, anything that could change his mind, but you fall short, and are left speechless at his straight to the point remarks which have left a considerable stinging damage to your pride and heart. 

“keep working on this.” He closed your laptop, the dark engulfing his face and the atmosphere. He glances back at you, and in this dark, barely lit by the street lights and silent room, you see a certain sincerity in his eyes that Aqua would’ve never show in broad daylight. Aqua has always been sincere, he’s always been honest, but it was only ever visible through his actions rather than expressions. Having the Aqua Hoshino, infamous for being incredibly quiet and dry, show this level of care and volume through his starry pupiled eyes was a miracle in itself. Him laughing? That was like peaking mountain Everest, now him showingf you another vulnerability? One that, you’d guess a guy like him would see as unnecessary for him to ever even express having, show it to you? my god, it’s like you’ve travelled the galaxies. 

“you don’t need to start over again.”

“…never knew you cared that much about my health.” Your gaze doesn’t look into his, fearing you might get emotional from it.

“why wouldn’t I care?” Aqua gazed away as well, trying to avoid you seeing his face. “…I care for you.” he then quickly added, “everyone in B-Komachi does.”

You frowned, your heart was rested in confusion, and the midnight hours  and daily oversleeping has left you with a mix of emotions you couldn’t comprehend. “..it feels weird.”

“what does?”

“…you guys caring.” You hesitantly answer. A lump latched onto your throat. “..I never really…felt that before, you know?like-“ you become silent for a moment, organizing your thoughts into comprehensible sentences, and Aqua patiently waits, like he always does. “— I-I had my parents feeding me and all that, but, I never really felt like…they did it out of love, you know? it always….” You fell short, unsure of how to finish the sentence. Yet Aqua finishes it for you.

“it always…feels like they do it out of responsibility, rather than love.” There was something about his tone, something about how his shoulders hunched, and his gaze was latched to the table. How his fists clenched into a grip. It was like he’s been through this as well, that he’s felt this too. For a moment, you wonder what his father was like. Or how Ms.Saitou perhaps has treated him due to her packed up work schedule.

“Exactly.” A sigh comes out from your lungs, and a heavy weight gets back in it instead. "you know…sometimes- I keep thinking about…—” your lungs felt full, and you wanted to throw up. the stab wound that was left on your heart started throbbing in pain.

 “ ..I keep thinking about how fucking funny it is-“ you couldn’t help it. couldn’t help but let the well of emotions you had bottled up all inside of you slowly drip, spill and quickly leave like small little teardrops almost coming out of your eyes, making the world look as blurry as ever.,and you choked on your laugh a bit. “ that Kana cared more- Ms.Saitou cared more- and you, cared more than my parents ever did.” Before you knew it, your tears were slipping.” My parents didn’t even call me yet. It’s been days after the incident and they still haven’t called me. y-yet— everyday, Ruby tries to distract me with different activities- Memcho keeps trying to help with my homework- and—“ You weren’t sure what made you sob like this. Perhaps it was your mind finally breaking from the exhaustion, or maybe it’s all your pent-up emotions now blowing up in rage. Whatever it was, it’s making you sniffle and hiccup as quietly as you possibly could muster. For a moment, you’re embarrassed and ashamed from the fact that this is your second time crying buckets when you’re with Aqua. you wonder if he’s cast a spell on you, or maybe it’s just pure instinct to be so trustful of him and easily show your vulnerability to him. in some part of you, you feel like he understands you. he gets what you’re going through and knows of it’s hardships. The hardships of neglect, of loneliness, and the fear of failing the expectations loved ones set out for you.

Aqua doesn’t speak. He’s completely quiet as you hold back your hiccups and try to stray away the depressing thoughts in your mind. He gets up, walks closer to you and then opens his arms as an offer for a hug. One that you quickly accept, wrapping your arms around his back as he does with you. it’s just like last time, yet, in this one, his hug feels different. Rather than having a relaxed form and giving you access to leave if you want, his arms put you in a lock, tightly holding onto you for dear life as you cry on his shoulder and try to escape in its comforts. 

He gives you no access to leave, no way of leaving the hug he’s set you on. if your mind wasn’t so riddled, you’d be a bit perplexed and scared of that idea, but you aren’t thinking straight, not when you’re with him. right now, all you want is to have someone-anyone- who could be here for you and become a shoulder to cry on and listener to whine to, and shockingly so, Aqua has become the perfect person for it.

“….you need a break.” He mumbled, his chin resting on top of your head, eyes in deep thought. “Being stuck here for so long is only making your mental state worse.” 

“I-I don’t think a day outside is going to help much,” you speak through a sniffle. “ and what if the stalker’s still out there?  it’d put the whole team in danger.”

“the stalker won’t show up if it’s somewhere public.” He loosens up his hold a bit, and you lean away to look up at him. “there’s actually an amusement park's opening that’s happening tomorrow.” He brought up, and his conversation  and your emotional blurriness of a mind is enough for you to not realize how close you two are, inches away and looking like a married couple. Yet he, ever the cool-headed, doesn’t seem to mind the position at all. “there’ll be plenty of people there to stop any sort of kidnaping or crime happening. We should go there. it’ll help brighten your mood and quell a bit of your fears.”

“We?”  you raised a brow. It was a question you’d quickly regret, since Aqua’s face flinched a bit and he looked away ashamed.“…sorry- you can obviously go by yourself—“

“oh no nonono-!!! I didn’t mean it like I don’t want you there!-“ you spoke a bit louder than intended, a huge amount of self-cringe now stuck on your heart from asking stating your question in the worst way possible. “I just thought you might be busy- since you have that whole full time variety show job going on.” you looked down embarrassed. Somehow, meeting his gaze is so difficult. Especially at the dawn of midnight, where human emotions, even as controlled as Aqua’s, can pour out easily in one’s eyes. You fear that he might see your small affection for him, how you’ve grown close to the stoic, multiple fanclub having actor.in a moment of sleepy haziness, you gulped, fiddling with the hem of your clothes as you mutter, “I’d actually love to go with you.”

“…”

“….”

Quiet. It’s incredibly, and agonizingly silent. Your mind is screaming in terror and rage over what you’ve just muttered and he obviously fucking heard since your fucking inches away and oh my fucking god Y/n you fucking idiot you idiot you fucking dumbasss oh my goood-

You bite the bullet and slowly look up to see his, what you would assume would be weirded out or awkward expression. Yet, that’s not the case at all. rather, he’s blushing. And he looks a bit irritated with that. His hands are shaking a bit, trying to slowly go up to hide his face from you, but he doesn’t know you’re looking at him yet. That you’re seeing this evident red blush on his face once more, and the embarrassed pout he has. His gaze is far away from yours as he keeps thinking quietly, believing that you’re quietly looking away from his too.

You’re in awe. You feel like butterflies are stuck in your stomach. Your heart is in less depressive disarray and rather, it’s in an exciting mess instead. You don’t know what you should do now- or even how clearly he likes you back or perhaps, is just really flattered by what you have said. Maybe even- he’s completely embarrassed. God, Aquamarine Hoshino always keeps you guessing.

He looks back at you with widened eyes and a small gasp, his sharp mind now noticing that you have seen his embarrassed face. His hand instinctively comes up to hide it, but he knows it’s too late. He can’t help but stray away from your gaze. His starry pupil was shining once more.

“uh….” You want to die from embarrassment, but you push through it and try to not speak in the shakiest dumbest voice ever. “ so…are you free?” you weren’t sure if you wanted him to say yes or no, you’re unsure of how badly he’ll reject you, or how much coldness there would be when he begrudgingly says yes, but you hope to dear god that it’d be as less damage inducing to your heart than you believed it would be.

“it’s a weekend, so yes.” To that, you gave a sigh of relief. Muttering a ‘cool’ before going back to an awkward silence. You felt something tug your fingers, and you soon glanced and realized it was Aqua’s fingers slowly inching closer to yours, yet not doing any movement to intertwine them. As if he was waiting for your permission for such a step. You’re certain you look absolutely embarrassing right now, because the butterflies and jitters of lovestruck and glee you feel is coursing through your veins, and you’re desperately holding back yourself from smiling in pure giddy. You slowly intertwine your hands with his, hearing your heartbeat louder than ever.

Aqua clears his throat, and you hope he’s not looking at your dumbstruck face, but you can’t bring yourself to meet his gaze. “..I’m glad you like spending time with me,” he mumbled. A squeeze was giving to your palm, like it was a sign of reassurance. Sign of honesty. “because I like hanging out with you too.”

You were going to pass out. You were speechless, mind processing every little word and action he’s done up until now, desperately trying to understand how he’s gotten you so flustered this easily. You truly don’t know what to say, but rather than remaining quiet and letting a new and worse state of awkwardness set in, you bring your intertwined hands up, and quickly peck his knuckles and release your hold. You don’t even look to see his reaction, feeling your panic rise up from the unthinkable action you’ve just done. You quickly say thank you and bid goodnight, speed-walking as quietly as you could, while trying yo not hit any of the idols who were sound asleep on the ground and completely unaware of what has transcribed in the kitchen.

You want to shut your door as fast as you can, but before you do, you steal one more glance at the kitchen, and see Aqua with a widened, indescribable expression on his face, and the blush redder than it ever was, starring at his kissed hand as if it was a raw diamond from the mines.

You shut your door, and immediately jump and scream into your pillow.

What the fuck did you just do?!

------

Chitters and chatters of the crowd dulled the sound of drums and flutes that was coming from the carnival. children and adults of all ages frolicked at the new park like ants, trying everything and taking pictures at every corner they knew. The animal mascots happily engaged with the kids and played different carnival games with them (all whom were rigged, but when the mascots played they’ve instantly became fair.) the smell of candy and pretzels was invading your senses, and you found yourself craving for cotton candy as you walk by the stalls.

Aqua Hoshino, the man who made you think so much last night that you barely got a wink of sleep in you, yet you’re so nervous and excited about today that you’re thankfully not dying from exhaustion-, is walking beside you. his eyes trail on where your head turns too, and he notices you staring a bit too longingly at the cotton candy cart with a circle of parents and children around it.

“you want something?” he asks, yet you look at him and politely shake your head. You’d rather die than make someone else pay for your cravings, especially something as childish as cotton candy-

Aqua’s eyes squint a bit, and he hums. He leaves your said, walking closer to the pink cart. You frantically follow suit.

“w-what are you doing?”

He gives you a glance before answering. “I’m hungry.”

“oh.” you slow down your pace. “ok then.”

You patiently wait as Aqua waits for his turn, buying one cotton candy and walking ip to you. he takes one bite, and you never knew how strange of an image is to see such a cold guy like Aqua eat sweets, especially since he doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much. You get suspicious, and that feeling only grows when after one slow bite and gulp, he offers the pink fluff to you.

“I can’t finish it.”

“ but you only had one bite?!” you countered.

He merely shrugged. “my eyes were bigger than my stomach, I guess.”

You pout, looking at the cotton candy as if it was a trick lied up by a scummy fox. Yet, it looked so delightful. A pink shade so soft, and a sticky shine to it that left your mouth watering. You begrudgingly take it, looking at Aqua inquiring. “you bought this for me, didn't you?”

Aqua doesn’t answer, because he knows he doesn’t need to. he merely looks at you with a tiny bit amusement in his eyes as he says, “ if you don’t eat it now it’ll melt and your hands will get sticky.”

“oh, are you beckoning Snow White to take a bite of the apple?” with your nervous anxieties treading away slowly, your shyness was melting faster than the cotton candy in your hand.

He rose a brow. “are you saying I’m the evil witch?”

“No, of course not.” You smiled, as if you hit the jackpot. “I’m saying you’re the gorgeous Queen.”

 “isn’t that character the same character, though?”

“hm, that is true,” you ponder for a moment, instinctively twirling the cotton candy in your hands. “…then you’re the prince, I guess.” You looked up at him with a grin. “ gorgeous and beckoning. It’s a perfect fit.” You stare at him, looking like you’re a snarky winner, a playboy who won the popular boy’s affection, yet rather than blushing like you wanted him to, he stays silent for a moment, but his mouth keeps shifting- like he’s holding back a smile. He finally breaks, giving you a subtle smirk and looking down at your hands.

“the cotton candy’s falling.”

“the what-“ your eyes quickly widened, looking at your hand and seeing the cloud-like candy being seconds away from hitting the pavement underneath you. in a quick disarray, you regrettably grab the thing with your bare hands, groaning in disappointment, yet still taking a bite of it. you hear a snicker, and look back to see Aqua looking at you with a small smile. If someone told you last month that ‘smiling’ would actually be a common expression of Aqua’s, you’d holler and laugh, yet here you are.

He takes a candy off your palm and eats it. your shock increases, and becomes extremely apparent on your face. He looks at you with a certain competitive glint in his eyes. “ what?” he questions your reaction. “I’m not the Evil Queen I’m the prince, so of course, I wouldn’t give you anything poisonous now, would I?” though his face has become blank, you could hear the hint of giddiness in his tone. “so you should eat what I give you, Snow White.”

Though he wasn’t wrong, a small part of you felt like he was much more serious about his words than he let on. there was something about his tone, an underlying certainty you can’t quite pin well. nevertheless, you trust him, so you take another cotton candy and let it dissolve in your mouth.

Soon after, you quickly went to the bathroom to wash up the last remaining's of the cotton candy, then decide to go on the fastest roller coasters you knew. In every single ride, Aqua either just gave a short gasp from the lack of air or just- quietly held onto his seat with  mortified expression on his face. Meanwhile you and other passengers were screaming your lungs out like never before. After the rides, he’d ask you ,with a tinge of plead in his voice, if this is the last one you want to try, and he’d look at you deeply puzzled when you answer no.

After so many rides, exhausted, you take a break at the café as the sky darkens. Aqua insisted on paying, but you managed to convince him to split the bill instead. The small place you chose had their walls filled with drawings of its mascots. Actors and entertainers all frolicked around the place and stole the children's attention. The smell of pizza was engulfing itself in the air, making most customers give in to temptation and order more than just coffee.  Aqua left to place the order moments ago, so you were mindlessly scrolling through your phone, trying to silence the loud cries of a four year old sitting across the window in your mind. The light on top of your table leaves a warm aura on your head ever few seconds, and soon, when you see a shadow loom over you, and it’s smell was riddled with smoke, your posture stiffens as you realize it’s not Aqua. you look up, seeing a guy around your own age, dressed in a leather jacket with tattoos riddled on him. not a good sign- but  they did say to never judge a book by it’s cover. Though..that snarky smirk on his face, added in with the glint of pride in his black eyes gives you the sudden urge to run and avoid. But, you stay still, and when you see he hasn’t spoken yet, but keeps staring at you, you clear your throat and put your phone down. “uh…may I help you?”

His nose scrunched up, his smirk becoming a grin. You want to die. “ what’s a pretty thing like you doing here all alone?”

You hold back your scowl. Best not to evoke rage in this guy. “ I’m not alone.” You say it clearly. “ I’m actually with a friend right now. he just went to order.” You hoped he’d get the message.

He raises a brow, as if he was challenged to a brawl by a wimpy brave kid thinking they could defeat him. his whole posture screams cocky bastard as he leans a bit down to your level.

“you mean that celebrity blonde over there?” he points to Aqua, whom was waiting in line. he then scoffed. “ what are you doing dating an attention-seeker like him? did you want something exciting to happen?” don’t punch him don’t punch him don’t punch him-

You hold back the urge to pull on his black hair and shove him to the ground. Though, you do give him a disgusted glare. One which he gave an amused one back.

“what? Did I hit it right on the nail?” quite the opposite, actually. This fucker really doesn’t know what he's talking about, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to cause a scene just to prove something to those friends of his outside the café. You wonder why no security guard has approached them yet. By now, you’re glancing around the crowd hoping for an employee to see your obvious discomfort and usher him out. however, a part of you fears that that’s exactly what he’d want. An attention seeker at heart, he seems like.

Seeing as you gave no response, he continued. “ if you want excitement so much, why not ride along with me and my friends?—“

“—and you are?” the sudden calm voice of Aqua brings relief into your heart. Your head quickly snaps back to him, seeing that he looks rather irritated- annoyed even, by the sudden man’s interruption in your hang out. he gives you a small glance of concern, then his face shifts to one of annoyance once more when he looks back at the guy whose only inches away from you and very visibly making you feel uncomfortable.

“I’m the better guy for them.” You couldn’t hold back your snort.

“I don’t even know you.” you managed to bring up through your laugh. Though- the laughter was more out of stress than amusement. It was a strange amalgamation of both of those feelings.

Aqua takes one more glance at you, his eyebrows furrowed deeper. “ look, you’re making my friend uncomfortable. I suggest you leave before I ask an employee to call security on you.” 

The guy seemed to want to quarrel more, to show his ‘superiority’ in some way, but thankfully, the manager quickly came into the picture and asked for the guy to leave. He did, though not without sending a few death glares to Aqua and the people who were ogling at him. when Aqua finally sat down, and the chatters of the people around you started again, you found yourself smiling.

“are you okay?” Aqua asked, his eyes quickly scanning to see if you’re still uncomfortable or maybe even hurt. Only to be left confused when he saw the small smile that was on your face. “seriously, are you okay? Are you having a stroke?”

You felt a giggle bubble up in your chest. “I’m fine.” You grinned. “I’m fine, because you’re here.”

Aqua froze, looking down at the table.it is here you come to the conclusion that Aqua often avoids your gaze when you flirt, as if he’s trying to hide the windows to his soul, to what he’s feeling from your actions and words.

“….you really need to stop saying those cheesy pick-up lines.”

“but you seem to like them!”

“on the contrary, I don’t.” he lied through his teeth, and for an actor, his performance on this was very lackluster. his actions made you feel like a winner.

“for an actor, you sure are a horrible liar.”

He says nothing, and you remain victorious.

-----

 With the sky almost pitch black, and the sun no where to be seen, the carnival booths were one of the only light sources through your walk. In the amidst of the loud, shining and overbearing colors of knick knacks and toys  between the booths, a certain plushy catches your eye.

“oh my god- there’s no way-“ you couldn’t believe it for a moment, and you didn’t notice the confused look Aqua sent you as you speed-walked to a small booth full of plushies, Through al the  teddy bears, fluffy bunnies and kuromi merchandises, there was a small, adorable little Kaito from Vocaloid plushies that absolutely charmed you. it was a mad hatter themed one, all from the iconic hat to the purple-ish zany suit. You see no game set up, which made you conclude that this is just a shop set up through all the booths. A place for anyone to buy a plushie if they just didn’t win anything.

“do you want it?” Aqua’s voice startled you. you looked back at him, glanced back at the beckoning adorable dopey face of Kaito and then gave a look at the price- shit- that’s a lot of money for just one plushie- and then it hit you- this was a limited time one, so with so many small amounts around with this high quality, the price is set high. Dejected, you just shrugged. “I mean- I find it adorable…”

You look at the price again and wince. “…but no I don’t want it that much. "that's a lie. You’d fucking sell your soul for it. “it’s getting late, we should go home.”

Aqua stays silent. You walk a few steps before you notice that he’s not following you. looking back, you see him staring at the plushie for a second too long- then walking right towards you. silence takes over the walk back home, and though it was a comforting one, you didn’t want the hang out to end without you thanking him. yet your words came to a halt as you heard a ‘CLANG!!!’  only a few feet away from you. both of your movements came to a halt, quickly locating where the sound has come from, and seeing a group of teenagers, all dressed in leather jackets, fight off in the dead of night.

“oh shit.” Was your first response, seeing some blonde beat the shit out of a brunette kid. “are they like- a gang?—” you look at it with more curiosity, your eyes widened as you saw a familiar bastard getting his guts punched. “—that’s the guy from the café!”

No response. in a fearful instinct, you quickly shift your head to see if Aqua is even here or not. Much to your relief, he was, yet, there was something different about him. he no longer looked calm, or perplexed as he often does. Rather, his pupils were blown wide, and the white shiny star you saw the whole evening was gone once more. His posture seemed tense- shaking a bit even. He looks at something across the road, and he finally speaks.

“there are multiple bikes over there there. it must be theirs.” Oh, so they’re a bike gang. You wanted to take a glance at the bikes too- yet the sudden shout of pain from the brutal fight stole your attention. You could see specks of blood now. You gulped.

“should we call—“ a sudden strong grip takes your wrist. You flinched, looking at the perpetrator being an extremely different Aqua from who you’ve shared cotton candy with only hours ago. He looks at you with furrowed brows, and eyes you could only describe as vicious. As if he was ready to pounce on someone and rip them apart. You feel your breath shorten a bit, an uncomfortable weight set on your shoulders, and your wrist going red from the sheer grip he has on it, like handcuffs made of the heaviest metal.

“Y/n,” your name comes out of his mouth like a threat, his tone like a demand. “ we have to go. Now.” He doesn’t even let you reply. Doesn’t even let you take one more pause before leaving. He drags you away to an alleyway, empty and much more horrifying than the gang fight you just witnessed. You try to keep your cool, though your heart is beating up a storm and your mind is screaming for you to escape. Aqua Hoshino looks different. He feels different. His grip, with the gentle palm of his, feels like death itself. You could see your wrist bruising, and could feel your eyes tearing up. his eyes are cold. In the past, they’ve merely looked dead. As if he was repressing everything he felt. But it’s not the same here, rather, his feelings here are as clear as day, the feelings of malice and distrust, dark thoughts that you can’t guess the concept of. You feel sick, and you’re not sure why. It’s still Aqua- right? He's just being paranoid…right? why does this feel awfully familiar? Why does his footsteps give you a sense of déjà vu?

You didn’t like that thought. Hell, you didn’t like thinking about anything right now. You gulped, hoping it would dim down your fear, yet it only increased it.

“Aqua.” your voice shakes a bit and you hiss. “Aqua—I think we’re far enough now-“

Nothing. No answer, not even a hum like always. The only thing you get is mutters too whispered for you to comprehend it's words. Which only fueled more of your fear. “Aqua please—“ you try to stop your legs from moving, yet he dragged your wrist, making you yelp from the sudden pain. “fucking hell Aqua—“

“Aqua!” you put all your strength to come to a halt, and you try shake your wrist away from his grip. Fear takes over your mind when you find no escape from it. 

He seems to be in a trance, too in his own mind to even hear your pleads. You felt like you lost- and when he tries to drag you to walk faster- the grip practically ripping your wrist apart- you couldn't help but scream.

“Stop it! “

All walking and scraping comes to a halt. Your wrist is freed, and you give a cry of relief as you pull your hand close and rub the newly purple bruise. You find yourself gasping for air- as if you've been holding back breaths this entire time, and the drums of your heart is so loud, you didn’t realize you were practically shaking from fear. You think for a moment- desperately trying to process what the ever loading fuck has just happened moments prior. And the throbbing pain from your wrist wasn't helping.

You hear a shift- a scrape on the pavement and look up to see Aqua.

His breathing has become ragged, his form shaken up. as if he has witnessed a scene from his nightmares, his eyes are widened and lost. His mouth is shaking, as if he’s desperately trying to form words, yet his mind was so muddled, he couldn’t even bring his voice out. he looks at you with such immense guilt, glances at his own palms with such horror. You almost forget the horrid pain in your wrists. Almost.

“…what the fuck was that?!” your voice shakes. You wanted to kick something- wanted to lay down somewhere and sob- you wanted to punch him in the gut- fucking hell. “what the fuck was that?” you didn’t mean to repeat the question, but your feelings were so out of spiral, your heart couldn’t help it.

Aqua shakes even more.

“Shit.” Aqua Hoshino, kindest guy you’ve known up until now, swears. ”Shit!” he repeats in a cry. He reels in a breath, but he still shakes. he brings him palms up to his face, trying to hide his broken down expression. But, no amount of palms can hide the glossy tears that you see slipping down the pavement.

Shit.

Your mind is in complete and utter chaos now. You’re so confused, yet you don’t even want answers anymore, in fear of what they could even be. You don’t say anything. You can’t bring yourself to. all you can do  is watch as the ever-so-calm and poised Aquamarine Hoshino breaks down. You wonder if you should comfort him. your wrist flashes a screaming pain in protest. You purse your lips and hold back a grunt.

“I’m sosorry- I-I didn’t mean to,” his hands come down from his face, revealing to you the absolute sheer panic he’s in. eyes like needles- with his starry on pupil darker and smaller than it ever was. Wrinkles all etched up on his nose with brows furrowed in shame. “Fuck, I'm sorry. I-I messed up.” this was so insane. This was too weird. Too out of character for him. never in your life have you heard this man stutter, or even have such a shaky and broken voice. In a second, your mind wonders if this is all some weird dream. Despite that thought, the cool air of fall shivers down your spine and devastatingly reminds you that this, in fact, is reality. Aqua just bruised your wrist and now is breaking down at the back of an alleyway.

He takes a step close to you. his breathing hitches when you take a step back. he looks at you as if you're the one who hurt him, as if this is more painful to him than it was to you.  “Y/n,” your name comes out so softly now. Barely even a whisper. A complete contrast to the brutal one from before. It’s like he has two sides- it’s as if he has a bottle full of emotions he kept shut tight, and now one by one, they’re all spilling out with no stop. “I’m— I’m so sorry,” he repeats through tears. ”I didn’t mean to..!” he hiccupped. He hiccupped. “ I just—….I thought—“  he breaks down again. Exhaustion takes over your mind. You conclude that for tonight, he is obviously not ready to express anything. His mind is warped up with thoughts- memories and ideas that you wish you could see for yourself.so, you do what he has done for you. you walk up to him. your frown was shrouded in disappointment, of a ruined night and a bruising pain, yet your eyes were full of sympathy. You know this was hard for him. apart of you, the softest part of you, knew he didn’t mean to hurt you. though your wrist and mind were practically begging you to quickly leave him, you listened to your heart, like you’ve always had. You bring your hands up to his teary face, and clean the droplets away. he stays still in shock, then fully leans into your touch. He keeps crying, and soon notices the bruise on your wrist, on the very palm he's leaning in. you don't know how, or even why, but he, as gentle as ever, takes your hand by the fingertips, and pulls your hands a bit up, then, gently gives kisses to your bruised wrists as he repeats ‘sorry’.

You, really, really don’t know what to say. You can’t even comprehend if you’re horrified or flustered. Your crush is kissing your wrists, it should be a rejuvenating moment- yet it’s the very wrist he bruised up, the very wrist he kept dragging as if there was a bomb behind you. you merely hitch a breath, letting him do what he can in the disarray he's in. this is all just confusing to him, you try to reason. He’s never had such waves of emotions go through him before, he’s not thinking straight. That’s all.

No matter how much you try to excuse, try to reason or try to process even the smallest second of this strange situation, there’s the inkling of doubt slowly becoming deeper.

You let him sob, and you let him affectionately kiss your wrist better, but you can’t bring yourself to be lovestruck by this. Something feels wrong. Something feels hidden. You want to think deeper about it- but god damn it- the soft kisses are so distracting. They’re so enchanting- he looks straight out of a romance manga. And the soft touches is slowly making you forget the hellish grip he had on you- the strength he secretly bares.

-----

You didn’t really talk to Aqua after this.

Sure, he walked you into the apartment and you bid goodbyes. But that was it. no text, no see you, no nothing. You couldn’t bring yourself to even look at him anymore, afraid you’ll see another Aqua again. Someone different from the real Aqua you knew, and the stoic one you’ve come to see when he's with others. you fear you’ll see the dead Aqua. the vicious one who frets over your safety as if you’re a delicate glass. You've come to wish you’d never see that dead set eyes of his again. You can’t think much about what has conspired. Your mind pretty much blocked out everything, and urged you to just close your bedroom door shut and sink deeper into your bed.

Though, Aqua did try to speak. He did try to text, to call, hell even knocked on your door and asked if he could come in. but you never texted back, never accepted the call nor let him in. you didn’t want to see him, unsure of how much you can handle looking at his eyes without remembering the wincing pain or the hot tears that were on your fingertips. You didn’t process it yet, didn’t give yourself the time to pause and think. Only distracted yourself with the song he urged you to work on. you felt a bit confident for what you've done, realizing you did have some sort of power in your strange relationship, that you’re not completely helpless and prone to get hurt in his very in need of therapy tantrums- but on the other hand- you felt like a completely monster. You let this man show his most vulnerable sides to you, you let him cry on your shoulder, as he let you. but now you’re shutting off all contact with him? you sound like a wacked witch who basks in everyone else's despair. Who only used Aqua for their own ends. You couldn’t handle the guilt, and so you didn’t think about his constant offers to talk to you either- you just worked, slept, ate, and went through it all over again. Only opening your doors at the latest of nights, the girls rarely even saw you come out of your room.  Ruby and Memcho took it as you probably having a squabble with Aqua, but Arima, the ever so intelligent and observant, seemed to notice something deeper than that.

Anytime Aqua knocked on your door, it was quickly replaced with Kana confronting him on what happened. She doesn't have that shy tone she always did when around Aqua, and you were almost certain that she didn’t have that soft gaze either. Not with how loud and accusing her voice is through the door. She keeps demanding for an answer, constantly blocking the oath between your door and him, telling him to either explain the situation or stop forcing you to let him in. Aqua always answered the same, he’s not sure if you’re comfortable with everyone knowing, so he won’t share anything either.

You banged your head on your pillow and screamed into it with full rage.

Multiple problems, zero solutions and endless self-hatred. This was becoming unbearable. Not even your most favored hobby, the very thing you made a career out of, is helping you cope through this. Your favorite movies have become dull distasteful garbage you don’t want to see ever again. Your skills have become an amateur's- a complete parody of the song you intended to write. You feel immensely empty, and the constant sleeping has made your head feel heavy, and even sleepier than before.

You really need to talk to Aqua.

But you don't want to talk to Aqua.

But you miss him

But you're scared of him.

You scream into your pillow again.

You can’t get the scene out of your head- the crying, the kisses, the bloody gang fight happening a few feet away- though some dialogue feels blurry, every face of anguish Aqua had is in highest quality in your head.

You can’t even upload the song you were working on anymore- you realized how the tone keeps shifting- from solemn quiet to a hyper song- then quickly into one of jumbled chaos- the lyrics re in no good shape either. They look like lyrics from different song genres all copy and pasted into one draft. You can’t even comprehend what you were trying to write here. A dreadful, slow knock echoes through your door. You don’t have to think twice to know who it was.

“…Y/n, I know you’re mad at me. and I don’t blame you.” his tone made your gut churn in grief. You couldn’t think straight anymore- what were you supposed to do? you still haven’t decided on a thing. You don’t know if you should forgive him, or be the one who asks for it. you wait for him to talk more, count the seconds before Arima barges in the halls and demands Aqua for at least a small clue on what happened. But nothing came. Not even a noise, nor a muttered chatter. The only thing you hear was a sigh, and small shuffling on the ground. After, it was footsteps, each one quieter than the last.

You see a small shadow still looming over the creeks of your door. You try to dig up a few memories- a few personality traits of Aqua’s to guess what it could be behind that door, and if it's worth opening the door for. Your heart stops in a moment of realization, the shadow of a top hat making your frown deepen, and your stomach drop in more pounds of nausea and pity. You wish you could throw up, but nothing comes out of your mouth. You’re ever-so confused, and when you open the door and see the small little Kaito plushie you could feel your eyes water up a bit.

“goddamn it Aqua.” you muttered. Upon inspecting it more, you see a little note inside his pocket, one you don’t remember being there at all. you take it out, fix up the crumble and take a deep breath when you see the words written within it.

Fuck it. you made up your mind. You heard the gate door below you being closed, so with a panic, you rush out of the house, ignoring every confused grunt and question thrown at you by the idols. You put your shoes on as if they’re sandals, you don’t wait for the elevator, and rather run down the stairs as if it were a slide. You hurriedly open the gate door and shut it with a bang.

“AQUA! WAIT!”

the figure merely a few feet away from you stood there frozen. Just like the night before.

Drip drip

Cold little specks of water startled you both. You glance up, realizing the grey mood the sky has been in as well. drip drip, it came down like a song. A beat that soon turned into a melody, small little taps becoming loud serenades and soaking you both.

Aqua turns around to look back at you, but his gaze never meets your eyes. “ we should go back in- we can talk there!” he shouted, walking up to you. “ you’re going to get a cold with the clothes you’re wearing.”

Huh? What's the problem with your- oh, right. one look down and you can see your shirt was completely drenched, and your pants were not warm enough either. A shiver ran down, the cold water now sinking into your body.

“No. we can’t.” yet, you deny it. you stop him from going farther away from you and closer to the entrance. You make him look right into your eyes. “we can’t talk there. it’ll be awkward with the team around.”

“you’d rather stay out in the rain with your pajamas rather than facing some small embarrassing tension?”

“yes.”

He gave a huff, a small laugh that eased a small bit of tension that was between you two. But the amusement died down quicker than a flash, and you were both just staring at each other, waiting for the other to speak.

With the rain acting as your white noise, you collected your thoughts and spoke. “Aqua— I’m so sorry-“ your voice breaks. “you- you had a breakdown right in front of me and I just- I just closed the door at you. I’m so sorry.” you don’t let him cut you off, you grab him by the shoulders, urging him to stay quiet and just listen. “ I got scared, because I didn’t know what to do. I-I got stuck- I kept thinking that whatever I do, it won’t be enough. It won’t help you properly. And I wasn’t sure if I was mad at you for the bruise or-“ Aqua’s face flinched to a pained one from that sentence. “ –I was mad at myself for not saying anything when we got back to the apartment. You don’t have to apologize for the bruise. You..uh..you already did do that right after…so..”

You awaited his response. awaited the insulting words or disappointed tone you’ll get for the cruelty you’ve done to him. but that didn’t come. “Y/n,” how does he always charm you with that soft voice of his? How has he never considered becoming an Idol? For the first time in days, he gazes right into your eyes, making your heart beat quicken. Shining so bright, and so full of sorrow and guilt, his expression was not like one of a prince, nor a bad boy. But a human’s. this was the real Aqua Hoshino speaking to you. with the crinkled up muscles on top of his nose, the mouth with a frown one wouldn’t see on a hot guy’s face in a romcom, and a voice unable to be recorded in studios. “why are you the one apologizing?” he almost laugh, it comes out as a scoff. “ I thought you were going to tell me to never see you again- I-…“ he got quiet, ad just like that night, his thoughts seemed to be quicker than his voice. Quicker than the words that were trying to come out from his mouth. “…I though you were just ghosting me because you were mad at me- yet here you were thinking you’re the one who should apologize?” you can’t describe his expression. it looked like one of lovestruck and guilt, of amazement and amusement, sorrow and sarcasm. “ why are you apologizing? I’m the one who ruined the night.” He sighs, one that comes out like a puff of cloud in the cold rain. “ I don’t know what happened that night. I don’t know why I just-…I....just-…”

“blew up?”

He winced. “yeah, blew up.” he repeated, confirming it to himself.

“Well…” you take his hand in yours, hoping it would provide comfort in the truth bullets you’ll shoot. “Maybe…it’s because you keep constantly bottling up your emotions- and you’ve been doing it for a very long time- and that night when everything was quite overwhelming- your mental stability kinda..couldn’t..handle it anymore?”

He looks at you with horror, as if you’ve just uncovered a murderous secret. A quiet moment passes, and you hope you hadn’t misread and offended him- Aqua chuckled.

“ it’s..really funny.” You looked at him confused, unsure of what that comment even meant. “I mean, scary how you can read people so well..yet you thought I was going to hate you from now on.” you started getting flustered, yet he continued. “ I don’t think I’d ever hate you.” it’s as if a switched has flipped within him- a switch that always clicks to the other side when he's with you. it’s out of his control. His feelings for you is too much for him to handle and organize, and bottle up with the others. it always bursts out, and with it, other feelings stick to them like glue to get out too. “ every time I’m with you..I feel comfortable. I feel happy. I feel like I can be myself for once.”  He’s looking at you, however, his mind seemed to be somewhere else. Somewhere deep within his heart, trying to articulate and put his feelings to words. “ that night…I got scared. I kept thinking that those guys were going to hurt you…or that-“ something in his eyes shift. “maybe they were the stalker. I didn’t want them to hurt you and I didn’t want you to get scared..but in the end,” his eyebrows scrunch up in hate. “I ended up ruining the night all by myself.”

“well- I wouldn't say you ruined the whole night…”

“please don’t lie.” He grumbled.

“I’m not lying! I still had a lot of fun.” You squeeze his hand, a sign of reassurance. “ those moments I had with you at the amusement park? Better than any birthday I ever had. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

He’s quiet for a moment, squeezing your intertwined hand multiple times like a heartbeat. “me neither.”

You dare to inch a little closer, look at his eyes a bit deeper, get lost in it’s blinding blue. The blue never reminded you of the sea nor the sky. With the very star laid in it’s right iris, it rather reminded you of a galaxy. An infinite space of beauty. Despite the rain being a nuisance on various aspects- you will thank it for one thing- the dampness that Aqua’s hair has faced- the way the strands stick close and an inch away from his eyes, how they fit perfectly with the stage right inside his starry pupil, it makes him look perfect. It reminds you that Aqua is a real person, not an ice prince, or a robot who would yelp at the sight of rain and malfunction. He's not the Aqua he intends to be, but he is the Aqua you’ve grown to adore…that you've grown to…

“Can I say something crazy?”

“you’re in the rain in your pajamas.” He remarked. “ I think you’ve already reached that level.”

“these are not pajamas, rich boy.” You retorted. “these are casual clothes.”

“I’m not a rich kid.”

“your mom owns an entire agency-“

“well-“

“you’re an actor.”

“not-“

“you have multiple fan clubs dedicated to you, have you seen the accounts that come up in twitter when you search your name?”

“..No,” he smirked. “have you?”

Caught in your argument, you choked on your words. “N-no! of course not!- I’m just very unfortunate enough to have them pop up in my for you page since I follow you.”

“…Y/n.”

“yeah?”

“I don’t have twitter.”

SHIT.

Bamboozled and befuddled, and not to mention, stuck in your own tom-foolery, you couldn’t handle the embarrassment and hid your face in his chest. An action of which he gave a hearty laugh too through the shivering cold.

“I won.” He takes his hands out of yours. Before you could grumble about the lost warmth, he wraps his hands around your waist, bringing you closer.

“no you didn’t.” there was no way you were backing down. “ your sister’s also an idol.so by all means, you’re a full on rich kid.”

“don’t use my skills on me, love.”  Love. Oh god, the old-school nickname is making your heart skip a beat.

You don’t say anything back, your tongue twisted in shock. All you could do was look at Aqua in the same lovestruck way he was looking at you.

“So what were you going to say?”

You shrug and roll your eyes, but your excitement is apparent, and you weren't really known to be a good actor. “forget it, the moment’s ruined.”

“I’ll tell everyone else that you secretly follow my fanclub’s page.”

“you wouldn’t.”

“I very much would.”

“fine.” You clicked your tongue, shoulders having a bit shakiness in them as you gaze up right into his eyes, head only mere millimeters away from yours.

“I think I like you.” it comes out in a blur, and you’re left to falter with an explanation. “like….a lot.”

The rain wouldn’t stop. It just grew heavier by the second. you’d think the rain would make you two get shelter at some point, but your bodies didn’t comply to the cold. For you, it was warm enough in his embrace.

“I think I love you.” he mumbles. Your hand gets out of his grasp and lays softly on his cheek. Unsure of what to do other than lean into your palm, Aqua, in a fit of passion, quickly asks-

“can I kiss you?”

In  a swift second, you close the gap. His clutch around you tightens a bit in pure giddy, and you wrap your arms around his neck in an instant. Warmth was spread all over your body, his cold lips from the weather were still as soft as a cloud and as sweet as a sugarplum. You could feel him smiling in the kiss. You could feel your body jittering up in happiness as the tip toes of your shoes tap the pavement. The warmth he provided, the love he poured, everything he did and everything he is, you adore. You wish you could say I love you back, but your lips were too preoccupied smiling and giggling between kisses with him. there was no shrilling cold, no tapping rain or soaking shirts. it was just you and Aqua, trying to show your love within every kiss.

-----

“HAHA!” a victorious and ever so notorious laugh comes out of Ruby Hoshino. Meanwhile, a very sad Memcho rummages through her pocket for some money. “ I knew they’d kiss! Woah- they’re- they’re not stopping-“ she looks at the scene almost horrified. “uh…ok no this is gross now.”

“ah let them be, it’s young love, after all.” Memcho put the hundred yen on the counter. Soon though, she hissed at her own words. “god..I sound like a thirty year old wine mom…”

“wait- they kissed?! What the hell?!” Arima Kana has been frantic all week. From her almost-kidnapped- friend looking very worse for wear, to her ex-crush acting much colder than before to anyone else- all while her almost-kidnapped-friend came home late with a bruise on their wrist- she was certain things ended really badly between the two. Disastrously, even. All while the two wouldn’t say a thing to her- especially the almost-kidnapped friend whom finally opened up a bit- and she thought the two of them were now one step-closer to a deeper friendship, a strong bond that will last even after she announces her leave with the B-Komachi team.

“told you they'd kiss.” Ruby said, full of pride. “ I’ve been living with Aqua for years. It was obvious that he’s lovestruck.”

Arima didn’t retort anything back. she only looked down at the giddy composer whose surely about to get a cold in worry. Something was up. something felt wrong. Rather than bearing slight jealousy and an urge to tease the newly couple, she only feels danger. A calm before a storm. Something about the gaze Y/n had when they came home late, the way they didn’t ramble on lovestruck like she thought they would. The way Aqua’s words started feeling empty, and his expressions becoming fake. Being an actor has a sort of kinship, a sort of understanding between the community. You can easily decipher when someone’s lying, and can easily understand when a fellow co-worker is acting.

At first, she thought that Aqua was simply acting like a charmer just to make you stick to the team like glue. Quite scummy if you ask her, and admittedly, a very Aqua Hoshino-thing to do. yet, there is something different in the way he acts around you. it’s…a different method. He’s not pulling out words and feelings that are in truth, empty promises and white lies. Rather, he’s hiding a deeper agenda. A deeper agenda she can’t understand. What’s even worse is how happy he looks underneath the rain with you. truly happy. As if there was no lying to begin with, merely a boy trying to act ‘cool’ in front of his school crush.

But something felt wrong.

She cannot point fingers, and she cannot blame anything. But she knows deep in her gut that something is awfully fishy about this. Something feels planned, fabricated. The stalker, the gang fight, the plushie with a note right on your door, it all felt too romantic to be true. Too thought-out. if she were in Aqua’s position, if she were to take on the role of Aquamarine Hoshino in a play, when her beloved would be threatened by a kidnapping or death, wouldn’t she do the Aqua-centric action, and become overly-protective? Wouldn’t she try to live with the group, or give daily visits just to check on her crush, rather than visit every week-end and make them crave her presence?  She would’ve quickly gotten her nose deep into the stalker case, and find every strand of hair and fingerprint she could of the culprit, not nonchalantly tell the beloved to go outside with her tonight, on a very busy day, with all kinds of people, and then have the bad-luck get stuck in a gang-fight.

Aqua is hiding something, Aqua isn’t acting like the Aqua she knows, the Aqua she observed and studied for a time. The deeply kind and protective teen who acts like a cold prince with a warm heart. What she fears most, what she hopes isn’t the slightest bit true, is that all of this was intentional.

She frowns. Memcho thinks it’s because she’s tremendously jealous, Ruby thinks it’s because she’s doesn’t have that much luck with boys. But the truth is, she’s just worried for her friend.

She hopes her worries are just for naught.

----

Morning cuddles, pecks on the forehead and ice cream on a winter night. That is how you’d describe what being Aqua’s lover feels like.

Though Arima was highly opposed to him starting to live in the apartment with you all, you still convince him to stay longer than intended, wait for the rain to stop or the bustling streets to get a little less crowdy and oh- would you look at that! It’s midnight! Surely, you can’t go out right now, can you? oh well, sorry Kana. He has to stay for the night. Whoops.

Aqua cuddles with you like it’s the last time he’ll see you. his grip on you is comfortably tight, as if he’s pleading for you to not leave the bed before he wakes up. he’ll never admit this, of course. He’d only excuse it and just say he must’ve had a bad dream, or maybe he wasn’t really acting in a conscious matter. The blush on his face always debunk such excuses.

What you like most about such mornings, is how messy Aqua looks with his bed hair. Strands of blonde tosseled around and tangled in different knots, it takes all of your self-control to not run your hand through them and give him soft pecks to wake him up. you knew he had work today, he needs all the sleep he can get.

Aqua grumbles in his sleep, his voice gruffier than usual. He delves deeper into the blankets, finding solace in the crook of your neck. An action that made you hold back a shocked yelp.

If Aqua was the one laying beside you all the time, you wouldn’t ever try to avoid sleeping. With him, you feel fuzzy, his presence is one of a gentle spring warmth, calming and never harsh on your skin like summers’ warmth is. You feel safe around him, you feel at peace. He seems to understand you so well, you can’t help but just be yourself around him and not feel as if you need to be polite or responsible in a situation. You only wish he feels the same way around you.

With how peacefully he sleeps on your bed, how easily he banters with you or whines and complains about a task he must do, you can proudly (and reassuringly to yourself) say that he is. There’s an understanding between you two, a mutual love and respect for who you are. No one knows that Aqua secretly loves much older games like Sonic the Hedgehog, the very first one- or how he doesn’t understand certain memes and gen Z humor, but he’s too afraid to ask someone about it due to not wanting to be called a ‘boomer’. But you know that. You are the one he confides in about such things. Something about that makes your heart swell in pride.

Sure, not everything was completely perfect. There are times where Aqua’s actions seem more possessive than they are worried. These days, after months of no intel on the stalker situation, you slowly tried to socialize again and meet=up with some old friends. It was both for hanging out and for tutoring sessions, since you’ve been falling behind a little from your studies. When telling Aqua, something in his posture shifted, his eyebrows furrowed the slightest bit as he listened intently on what you have to say.

He interrogated you as if you were a suspect in a murder case. questions about where you were going, what time and what place, and strangest of all, who will be there and who has ha d a as crush on you. you didn’t understand why he was so serious about this, but you figured it was perhaps because he was still iffy about the stalker business, and since he doesn’t know these people he's unsure if he can trust them or not. However, you told him, you know them, and you’re certain none of them would be the stalker, just as you are certain he wasn’t the stalker, either. Therefore, there is no need to worry about that.

Aqua didn’t say anything back. once again, your gut begged you to rethink things over, but you’re so happy, you’re so content, there was no way you’d let this overthinking gimmick ruin your moments with Aqua, so you set them aside, like you have been for the past months.

Besides, it’s impossible for him to be the stalker. He was the one who saved you from the culprit. He was a witness rather than a suspect. A vicitm, even. If there’s anyone you should be suspicious of, Aqua is far from it.

You quickly grumble, hiding your face into Aqua’s shoulders. No no no- do not overthink this. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. You’re fine. You’re happy.

There’s no need to worry anymore.

You hear a loud serenades of bang and chatter happening outside of your door, then it hits you. today was your turn to make breakfast. If you don’t get up now, you’ll be facing an extremely hungry pair of stars and a harsh scolding from their kindhearted yet strong-faced leader. The temptation of staying in bed and given proper warmth and love by Aqua was immense, but you had a responsibility. With a sigh, you let your body bid goodbye to the fluffy bed, all while giving Aqua small little pecks on his face, a common action you both do when the other needs to leave.

“H-Oomph!”

You try to scooch up, to finally leave the bed and answer to the hungry cries of the idols, yet a pair of arms drags you down again.  Aqua brings you closer than ever, giving a peck on your forehead.

“Aqua,” your sleepy voice gives you a drawl. You try to clear your throat before you speak again. “ Ruby’s going to kill you and me if you don’t let me make pancakes.”

Aqua’s first response was to grumble. “she’s sixteen. She can handle making pancakes on her own.” You rolled your eyes, yet gave in and snuggled deeper into his embrace.

“but it’s my turn.” You still argued, even though the drowsiness was making your head slowly lull into a deep sleep. “ and you don’t like the way she makes it.”

Aqua’s face scrunches up. “what made you think I’m going to eat her cavity-filled monstrosity of a pancake?” he huffed. “ I’ll just make us breakfast. Five more minutes, ok?”

“but- it’s my turn. Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair that you have to do it?”

He gives you a glance. “do you wanna do it?”

“obviously not.”

He looks at you dumbfounded. “then why are you insisting on this?”

“because it’s unfair if I make you do it when it’s my turn.” You whined, the guilt and procrastinator sides of you now at war.

You hear Aqua chuckle, making you look up and meet his soft gaze. “I’m your boyfriend. It’s normal for me to make breakfast for you.”

Your eyes squint. “ stop trying to rizz me up, Hoshino. We’re already dating.” 

Aqua snorts, shifting a bit and poking your cheek. “I’m not ‘rizzing you up’” he repeats like an old man. As if he’s a grandfather desperately trying to fit in with the teens. “I’m just doing what I love.”

You tilt your head. “cooking?”

“no.” he snickered. “spending time with you.”

“oh my god. You’re doing it again. Stop it.” despite your words, your heart was hammering in your chest. “I’ve been your partner for two months, pretty boy. “

“why can’t you just accept that I love doing things for you?”

“because I want to do things for you too.”

“you being here with me is enough.”

“why must you sound exactly like the sappy fanfics they write about you?”

“Oh, so you read them?”

You fall silent. Aqua chortles a laugh, slowly sliding out of the bed.

“don’t worry, I’m actually quite  flattered.”

“shut upppp.” You groaned into the pillow. Now only wanting to rot and cease to exist. The embarrassment is unbearable, yet Aqua still gazes at you with adoration. He takes a breath, and soon his lovestruck faces turns into one of annoyance, the smell of syrup filled pancakes invading his nostrils.

“let’s go cook together then, before Ruby gives us all diabetes.”

---

“are you sure everything is fine?”

It was the hundredth time she was asking you this. The hundredth, in merely this week. If you had to count in the other occasions she’s done this, it’d be up to millions.

“Kana, listen-“ you stop your tracks, your school bag feeling heavy from all the piles of homework and worksheets given to you due to your constant absence from class in the past months. “ I appreciate your concern, I really do- but seriously, everything is going great with Aqua. “ you figured she might be the most frazzled from your relationship, since she was the one most concerned for you after the carnival fiasco. “ frankly, it never could’ve been better.”

Kana’s expression falters. Switching between you and your now healed wrist. She stays silent in the rest of your walk, but her stare is relentless. You try to ignore it, especially when you see Aqua in the distance, whom had to leave school early for work, and now was here with a bag of groceries to pick you both up. Ruby got a bad cold from the sudden shift in summer to fall weather, and Memcho was in home streaming a new game that just dropped. you see Aqua waving at you, so you hurry your steps so you could reach and tackle him into a hug, yet a hold on your wrist stops you, immediately giving you bitter flashbacks. Yet, the grip, is much softer, less violent than what you remember. Her hands are smoother, and her eyes are filled with much more concern. Aqua’s stare, on that bitter night, seemed more like bloodlust than anything. Seemed like he was holding back, like he was on the brink of a violent melt down. Kana’s was different. Much different. It made you stare at her with confused silence, an apprehension evident in your eyes.

“l-listen.” She looks away ashamed, tugging her hair back, an action she often does when she's under pressure. “ I-I know I’m the last person you’d like to hear this from…given my past crush on Aqua…but—“ you wanted to refute that, to assure her that you hold no grudge against her over such a thing- but your mouth stayed closed, memory lane holding you in a vice grip. 

“something off. Something’s wrong. Aqua…he’s not acting like himself these days.” Kana stressed. “ I mean- he looks normal yeah- but please, think about it. why on earth would take you to a crowded, loud place after you were almost kidnapped? What’d he do if you suddenly got lost? Or you disappeared? Isn’t it weird for him to pick such a place?” her eyes suddenly widened. “a-and think about what you told me! about the stalker being a part of the staff, remember? I think you’re right, Y/n. you were absolutely right about that. And I think Aqua knows this too- but-“

-“you guys ok?”

Kana flinches, her face is by all means horrified, as is she’s seen a ghost. She quickly let’s go of your hand, and her expression shifts from horror to dismissive and bossy, a casual look for Aqua to receive from her.

Despite her face screaming horror merely a few moments ago, her voice is as relaxed as ever. “ Hm? What, can’t let us have a girl talk now?” she grumbles, starting to walk away and giving a light punch on Aqua’s shoulder. “ learn to be patient, Hoshino!”

Aqua mumbles an apology, even if it was obvious from his tone that he wasn’t much sincere about it. he doesn’t follow her, and you don’t either, too caught up with a doubtful heart and a mess of a mind. The whole atmosphere shifted too quicky- far too quickly for your mind to process and for your heart to feel. It’s like you’ve blinked once, a storm appeared and then when you blinked twice, it was the same sunny and rogue fall. 

“hey, you ok?” Aqua’s voice barely registers in your head. Concerned, he places a hand on your shoulder, one which you flinch at, and he quickly disregards it. his slightly hurt stare breaks your heart.

“ah, sorry— Kana uh…she…” your bag suddenly felt heavy. Aqua’s blue eyes didn’t shine with the brilliance you’ve once perceived, rather, it seemed to be prying, looking deep inside your soul for any sort of suspicious activity. You gulped. “ um- she just told me some jerk in my class secretly liked me.” you try to laugh it off, try to act like it’s the truth. But you’ve never been the best actor, Aqua knows that very well.

“oh? alright then.” His voice reeks of layers. The relaxed tone is but a cover-up for something else entirely. Something you’re completely unsure of, and now, with the horrifying small dots clicking together one by one, something you’re completely and utterly horrified of.

‘but it can’t be true.’ Your heart reasoned. ‘at least, not entirely true. He may have have just wanted what’s best for you mentally. And he knew a sociable place was best!! Yeah…yeah. He knew. He was careful. He…he should’ve been careful. He is careful. He wouldn’t have taken you there in the first place if he wasn't certain nothing would happen.’ You listened, you listened wholeheartedly and calmed your own queries and worries. You look at Aqua apologetically, grabbing his hand and urging him to forget it and walk back home.

“you sure she hasn’t said anything…weird?”

Aqua’s hand squeezes yours, he’s waiting for reassurance.

“ No, she’s just worried for me, that’s all.” you squeezed back.

For whatever reason, the grip Aqua had on your hand felt a bit more tight after those words.

-----

Darkly lit room has become your norm for the night. Your eyes were too bothered by the laptop’s luminescent light to handle the lamps’ and your hands were too fixated on clicking away to even bother thinking about flipping a light switch.

The tune in your ears have become a bit repetitive, the song was almost near finish. Only a few more things, a few more polish, and you were set to publish. However, something was holding you back.

Art, in any form it is, always, in whatever ways, hurts the artist. By all means, any form of art is a fucking pain to perfect. Normal people often believe that the talent of ‘creation’ is gifted to people, handed on a silver platter with no hard-work whatsoever. Just like intelligence. Unfortunately or not, that is not the case. Even Da Vinci had his bad art days, even he started out bad, barely able to sketch anything but a stick figure. Art is like a sport. You must train it, understand it and fathom it to get to where you want to be. You must trip and fall and bleed till you ache, you must lose a few tournaments, all to reach the goal of satisfaction, the goal of improvement. One must truly love art if they want to continue it. it is why so many people find their skills being called ‘natural talent’ so offensive. There is no such thing as natural talent. There is only love in what one does, and that love is often mistaken for the latter.

There is only one way up in art. Practice. Which, upon first view, it seems quite easy, however, it’s actually, quite frankly, fucking painful.

Which is what leads you to your current dilemma. The common ‘is this good enough? Am I good enough? Is my entire being even worthy of life?’ thought coursing through your very bones and blood like a marching band. You hate what you’re listening to, but you cannot bring yourself to delete. You’ve spent too much on this, your mind will start sobbing and breaking apart if you think of re-editing even one more line in the second verse. You’re losing your entire mind, and you’re questioning your very skills. Skills that you find to be utter useless flammable garbage.  You’d say you want to die, but with what you’re creating, you’re certain that you’re not even worthy of such a sweet release—

“you look like a psychopath.”  Aqua quickly takes off your headphones, leaving you to give him an offended look- as if he just insulted your pet and called them ugly. He does not falter. He looks at you with stern. “ if you don’t take a break, I'd have to call the ambulance. C’mon now, get up. “ your tired hands fly up to him for a fight, even if your body is as slow as a zombie’s.”No- Y/n stop trying to steal the headphone from me-“ he lifts his arms up as high as he can, earning a few rambles of ‘no’ from you. “trust me, you need one.”

“no, I need a good song.” Was all your energy-drink fueled mouth could spring out. “ I promised myself to not get up from this seat until I get this over with!”

“you’ve been sitting here for ten hours.”

“just one more.” You plead. “one more hour- hell even just thirty minutes and I promise I’ll go to bed.” You quickly look at yourself in the mirror and scowl. “and take a shower.”

Aqua’s expression reeks of worry, with a tinge bit of disappointment. He glances at the screen, his eyebrows even scrunching up more now. “this looks finished. Why on earth would you need one more hour?”

“how would you know it’s finished?” your tired, exhausted and sleep-needed voice made you sound annoyed, but it was a sincere question, one more laid around curiosity than malice.

“I’ve seen you work before. This format looks similar to your other finished products.” He speaks as if that was normal. As if he didn’t confess to the strangest action.

“hold on—“ even in your tired state, your mind caught on quick. “you watch me while I work?”

“yeah?” he questions, as if you’re the weird one for bringing that up. “always thought you looked cute focused. I couldn’t helped but glance at what you’re working on.”

You couldn’t help the giddiness you felt, the mental pressure to keep up a cool image was long gone with your doziness. Though- it’s never even there to begin with when you’re with Aqua- you feel awfully comfortable with him these days. To the point where you’re fine showing him the awful work state you’re in- with little to nothing attractive about you at the moment.

“god Aqua, you’re weird.” You laughed. “but..it’s a sweet kind of weird- still weird- but you’re the one doing it- so.. it’s..kind of like- since I like you so much, I find it lovely?” you didn’t even know what you were talking about anymore. Exhaustion was getting the best of you for sure. “ like- it’s also so reassuring- I mean-“ god, you really need sleep. Your bed is beckoning you to slumber. “ you always seem so normal and perfect. It’s nice to know even you have some weird qualities.”

“observing the one’s you love is weird?” was of course his question. oh god, you love him so much.

“I mean— in some people’s book, yeah. It’s weird.”

Aqua’s lips falter a bit. “..do you find it weird?”

Your mind, too sleep rendered to process the tonal shift, answers truthfully. “well— I guess for me it depends on the person— like- if it’s some stranger I’d be freaked out. but..it’s you. so, I find it really sweet,actually.”

Aqua’s posture relaxes, as if a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He sighs, one of relief or drowsiness? You’re not sure. All you know is that he keeps gazing at you so softly, you wonder how lucky you’ve gotten at landing such a handsome blondie as your lover. You- the composer who reeks of hamburgers and syrup induced caffeine-

Aqua suddenly laughs. “You’re talking aloud, Y/n.” shit. Well, this is embarrassing. With a groan of shame, you hide your face and cringe, all while Aqua tries to convince you to get up for bed.

You’re unsure of how, your brain’s comprehension of the conversation all muddled, but you get coerced into falling asleep, Aqua’s smooth voice becoming your siren.

----

A café runs through chitter and chatter, the often small town with no crowds have become awfully occupied these past few days, each and every one of the people are classmates you’[ve know for years  or people you’ve met in parties and hallways- all huddled up together in a small café known for serving tired and half-dead university students.  

After years of ripping your hair out, biting your teeth and hating every second of the subject you had to study, you and your fellow classmates have finally graduate Tokyo Medical School and Dental University- a thing your parents constantly mention in every party they're in- speaking about how it’s always been your dream- even though it wasn’t- actually, it was their dream for you, and you, ever desperate to seek their love and approval, did everything in your power to appease them, all for them to boast about amongst your aunts.

You drink your tea-bag cheap tea, afraid of spending money with the tight budget you’re on. moreover, you never really liked the food quality served here anyway. The cake always seemed a bit too dry, and their milkshakes were always made with no quantity control- each serving becoming either too sweet or too solid to be called a milkshake.

In your haze of thoughts, your fingers tap on the table, your mind hazing to find a nice rhythm to go with the café’s ambiance, a certain song intro for all the slice of life stories that were made here. the song in your mind quickly vanishes with your friends, far away in the other side of the café start calling you to join them for a game of charades- with nothing better to do- and also- out of your own instincts in what you assume is a dream sequence completely out of your control- to real to be a dream- one could say- but it was also too far away from your own reality to be called a memory in your life- you get up from your seat, plastic cup still in hand as you make your way to the group, only to stumble upon a block on your road and fall head-first into the chest of an unknown man and his red sweater- a sweater of which, is now stained by your tea.

“oh shit shit! Shit I’m so sorry! Wait here- I’ll help you dry it-” you quickly grab tissues from the cashier counter and quickly trying to damage control the already ruined sweater, guilt now eating you up from the inside out. “god I’m so sorry- the whole sweater is ruined now-“

“it’s fine-“ the man, whom now you look up to see, is none other than Gorou Amamiya, the top student in your class known for his quiet attitude. “ I hated this sweater anyway.”

You look at him with a rose brow. “ don’t you wear this everyday?”

He gazes away. “it was getting old, wanted to get a new one for a while now.”

“oh- then let me buy one for you! it’s the least I can do-“ your eyes widen up for a moment ands you take off your coat, giving it to a  very confused Gorou. “Take this with you too, I heard it’s going to rain soon. This should keep you warm.”

“…thank you.” his voice was toned down, genuine sincerity within it. “ but you really don’t have to. I don’t mind rain.”

“and let the genius in our campus get a cold?” you scoffed. “there’s no way I’m letting that happen.”

“..I’m not a genius.” He looks away embarrassed. “I’m just good at studying.”

“if you were just good at studying, then you wouldn’t have been the top student in our class!” you give him a playful punch in the shoulder. “ stop selling yourself so short, Doctor Amayima.”

He gives an embarrassed scoff, hand going up to his face to hide his bashful smile. “please, just call me Gorou. “

----

You wake up to sniffles in the morning.

It’s small at first, barely even a whisper. Your mind easily disregarded them as a shifting of a bedsheet or shuffle of your kaito plushie. Then, it started getting slightly bit louder. Still, your  hazy sleepy brain tried to think nothing of it, but then- it happened- the hiccup- the very same one of that unforgettable night rung through your ears, making your heartbeat peak with panic and your body jolt awake from no alarm beside it.

Your eyes shift in the night, cracks of dawn can barely be seen- but the specks of white on your windowsill assure you that it’s almost morning- and through all the empty cans and bundles of wires sits a sobbing Aqua, a headphone, your headphone, placed on his ears with the light of your laptop shining on them. His eyes, widened up and seeming hurt, were glued to the screen, unwavering in their stare.  His brows kept furrowing from one position to another- either shocked or hurt. He looked just like the night you always fear to remember- although there is a stark difference. He looks much softer, his gaze more of a broken boy’s than a protective lover’s. the sligh horrified harshness he had in his eyes were gone here, leaving a gaze full of nostalgia and painful memories in it’s wake.

You shift out of the bed- now slowly awaking your conscious and clearing your throat- slowly trudging towards your boyfriend. You reach out for his shoulder, as gently as you ever could, but he quickly shook franticly and swiftly turned around to meet your gaze, horrified by being caught. “you scared me-“ he quickly muttered. Still overwhelmed, he slowly takes off his headphones and tries to rub the waterworks out of his eyes. He wouldn’t look at you, perhaps still afraid of you seeing him in such vulnerable states, so in a moment of confidence, you takes his hands away from his face and cup his cheek, drying his tears.

“you ok?” was your first question. he took some time analyzing your face before answering.

“…I’m fine.”

“then why were you crying?”

The question could’ve been a harsh slap  to the back with how he reacted. It was a question he wasn’t content answering, it seemed. You grew concerned and self-conscious. “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to—“

“your song,” he started, mind drifted somewhere else. “ it…well..” often, you wouldn’t see Aqua so lost in what to say. If he had nothing of noteworthy to speak of, he wouldn’t speak at all. but, you’re now well aqquinted with seeing Aqua act differently with you then how he does in the public eye. you wouldn’t be surprised if he picked up this habit from you, even. You wait for his reply as he collects his thoughts and takes a deep breath. “ ..it feels..nostalgic. have you..thought of somewhere-or something specific when writing this song?”

You’re taken aback, considering the question for a few seconds of hums before answering with a shrug. “I don’t know.” you huffed. “ honestly, most of my personal songs are just- thoughts and feelings that have been stuck in my head in a long time.” You give him a smile, your tone getting the slightest bit chipper as you try to ease the mood and distract him from whatever bad thought he has. “often, I get these tunes after a good night’s sleep. It’s like they come to me in dreams. “

To that, Aqua’s prolonged avoidance of eye-contact suddenly breaks. “dreams?” he repeated more to himself than you. “what kind, exactly?”

“Pervert.”

“Wait no I-“ his posture  slouched as you snorted. “ you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“you brought this on to yourself!” you jokingly reasoned. “ and for your information- no. it was not a spicy dream.”

“Spicy? You call wet dreams spicy?”

You fall embarrassed. “Well- saying spicy makes it funnier!” you reasoned.

“ you’re embarrassed of saying wet dreams, aren’t you?”

“No.”

“then say it.”

“….”

This time, it was Aqua’s turn to snicker. To be amused thoroughly and hopefully enough- forget about his breakdown for a moment and calm his worries.

“how do you always leave me so tongue tied?” with crossed arms, you tried to change the subject.

“you’re easy to provoke, you always feel embarrassed over the littlest things.”

“not true.”

He gives you a doubtful stare, you scoff and falter.

“okay, maybe it’s slightly true. But you’re overexaggerating it.”

“you’re too insecure for your own good.” He speaks like a disappointed mentor, giving a glance at the monitor before looking back at you again.

“ well, the insecurity is what helps me succeed.”

He frowned, a posture of his shifting from the few moments of relaxation to one of slight frustration. “ or perhaps, it’s what’s holding you back all the time.”

“okay, first of all, ouch.” You sit down on the bed, your mind coming to the conclusion that there’ll most likely be no sleep for you tonight. “second, if I’m not satisfied with a song then what’s the point of releasing it? if I don’t like it, then obviously my fans won’t either.”

He stays quiet for a moment, sitting in different positions on the computer chair, as if there’s a prick behind his back not letting him lean in and relax. His eyes were deep in inquisitive thought as he speaks once more. “ if it were any other song, I’d agree with you,” he looks right back at you now, with eyes shining with such vibrant sincerity you held back a shocked hum. “but this song? My god, Y/n, you need to post this now.”

“y-you sure? I mean- I think it needs a bit more polish-“

“no, no. don’t add anything else to it, right now, as it is, it’s one of the most heartfelt and genuine songs I’ve ever heard.” He looks back at the monitor, and in his mind, he echoes the song in his head, the little vocaloid voice singing the lyrics and tugging at his heartstrings. “ when I hear it…I feel awfully nostalgic. I feel at home. It’s like you wrote this from the heart.” He looks back at you so softly, you could feel your heart race from his gentle, ever so small smile. “this is the best song I’ve ever heard, love.”

“…even better than Ai’s star-fell sweetheart solo you always listen to?”

His eyes glow in sharp determination. “even better than her entire album.”

-------

To you, Aqua Hoshino was often like an old man- he acts as if he’s in his forties. He doesn’t partake in new video games, yet he knows an awful lot about the classics. He knows an insane amount of golden era 90s to 2000s singers, his whole playlist is either just the great idol Ai’s song or such songs in said categories, there is no in-between. He insists on putting  wooden cup trays on the table, even if barely anyone uses them anymore- and to you, most amusing of all, he barely understands gen Z humor, the very generation he’s apart of. Often, you tell him that he may be young, but he has an old soul. He never really replies to that joke, but he doesn’t seem to be annoyed by it either. It was more of a ‘deep in thought’, one could say. Aqua looked like a charming prince to the media, a quiet man to his friends, and to you, he was a dork who takes his actions a bit too seriously, at time, but he had a heart of gold. All he wants is for his loved ones to live on happily, and all he does is to achieve that very goal. Even in acting, though he never tells you his true reasoning for sticking to the art, you assume he’s doing it just so B-Komachi can get more eyes on them. After all, the actor brother and idol sister dynamic is something  fans would always spam about on the internet constantly. You found too many sibling having matching Hoshino profiles, too many to count. Aqua's kindness knows no bounds, and that’s one of the many things you love about him.

Which, is why the very situation you’re observing has got you stuck in a web of thoughts, each more confused than the other.

While excitingly watching your song slowly blow up to fame from one view to the next, your enjoyment quickly dies down when you see how tense Kana seems, staring at  Aqua with a shaky figure. Wasn’t she with Ruby visiting the Hoshino household just now? They must’ve come back when you were distracted with your laptop- you didn’t even hear the door close. But now, with your mind out of the excitement, you could hear Ruby speak and ramble on with Memcho about the  Ai-exclusive bunny plushies she’s brought back from her house, and how it’s shocking how long this whole apartment and stalker issue is going.

However, their conversation was of no matter to you right now. Your current concern was how horrified Kana kept looking at Aqua. she's now batting an eye towards you- not even a single glance- it’s as if she’s in a trance, and she hasn’t realized you were in the room as well.

Your boyfriend didn’t seem to notice the burning stare, too caught up in reading ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’ to even become aware of Ruby and Kana’s arrival, or so you thought.

“love?” Aqua calls out to you, quickly placing the book on his lap. “ can you tell Ruby that we’re not ordering from that bakery tonight? I’d rather not have her pout and fight me about it. she listens to you easily.”  His head quickly shifts to see Kana, as if he's just been aware of her presence. Yet, Kana seems more furious than before. “ oh! Kana, I thought you were with the others. “ he slightly tilts his head in curious confusion. “why are you so quiet? It’s unlike you.”

The aura of the room has shifted to one of hostility, and you found yourself involuntarily gulping. “Kana…” you grew concerned. “you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Kana’s eyes get a flash of sympathy- right before it cutting back to her neutral face and determined smile. “I’m fine, you go convince Ruby, or else she’ll already call and order that expensive shortcake. “

You felt bamboozled, like an actor who forgot their lines at  a play. They were both hiding something from you, it was evident from their five star actor smiles. You felt suspicion grow within you, and in a fit of doubt and worry, you say ‘one second’ before typing on your computer. For them, they’re assuming that you’ve just closed your google tabs on the view count for your new video, however, you opened the recorder and let your computer sit turned on and it’s screen away from their view as you got up and left in a hurry.

You felt a prickling, sick bundle of needles crawl up your arms and back. worry and fear, all mixed into one bag of confusion. Something was going on, you’re unsure what it is, but you’ll maybe, with the recording you’ll have, you’ll finally understand why Kana seems much more hostile to Aqua than before, and why Aqua seemingly ignores her at every turn.

You only hope the batteries in your laptop doesn’t die too soon.

----

“it’s with a heavy heart that I’m announcing my departure with B-Komachi. I have decided to  focus more on my acting career, but I’ll never forget all the love and support and lovely memories I made while being on this team. I hope you keep on supporting me!”

Crowds cheer and the backstage staff whisper to each other in surprise. All while you are left alone with your cheap tea-bag tea in a cup, looking at the screens and seeing Kana’s kind face as she bows down in respect to the fans. Her departure with the team is not surprising, she spoke about it months ago before the stalker situation even erupted. However, the timing felt odd to you. it’s been weeks since her private talk with Aqua, one which disastrously enough, your laptop apparantly didn’t record it at all. but you swore you turned the recorder on- you even double checked to see the red button blaring before leaving the living room. nevertheless, whatever it was, it was the breaking point for Kana, and right after it, in the night she told everyone at dinner that she’ll be renouncing her role in the team at their next concert.

Something in your gut churned that night, your mind kept questioning every word that came out of her mouth, even Aqua’s support to her seemed somewhat off. Something was wrong, something has happened, and when in that night, you’ve privately asked Aqua what was their talk about, he pat your head and told you that there’s nothing to worry about. She was merely speaking about a new role coming up, and she has wanted him to partake in that series with her.

Liar.

Your tea was getting cold, and the bitter peach-scented taste you’ve often enjoyed tastes like absolute garbage now. It’s as if you’re missing an important clue- a key point in all this mess, a key that is buried deep within your psyche with all the other bad memories your mind never wishes to revisit.

“you ok there?” Aqua’s voice startled you.

“ how long were you standing there?” you joked, now leaving the cold tea on the table.

“not long, I was talking but you didn’t seem to be listening.”

“oh, sorry…I was just thinking.”

“about what?”

“nothing much.” You lied.  “ I’m just really going to miss Kana.”

“We all will. “ he puts his hand on your shoulder. “ but this is best for her. She never liked Idol work that much anyway.”

“…I guess you’re right.” you didn’t continue further, leaving an awkward tension to engulf the room.

“..are you still mad about my talk with Kana?” Aqua’s face, though still in neutral form, has it’s frown deepen a bit. “I told you, there’s nothing to worry about. We just talked about an upcoming show.” He gives you a conflicted stare. “would I ever lie to you?”

“..no.” you think so, at least. Or rather- you hoped so. You held his hand and gave it a squeeze of reassurance. “don’t worry, I trust you. I’m just sad about her leaving, honest.” Your heart feels stabbed, your conscious berates you for lying to him like this. yet you remain quiet as you squeeze his hand in reassurance.

You’re too far into your thoughts to see something in his eyes shift- the often light star pupil of his becoming slightly grey for one split second.

“…right.”

------

“you sure you don’t need me to look for it?” Ms.Saitou stops the car as she looks at you. “ you really don’t have to go all the way yourself, you can just give me a description of what to find.”

“no no there’s no need really- I’ve already bothered you enough with driving me here.” you take off your seatbelt, giving a glance at the house belonged to your boyfriend’s family. “I’m sure I’ll find it by myself, it’s not the first time I was here.” that’s a lie, you’ve actually never visited Aqua’s house, your meet up spots were always the apartment or the grocery store next to both of your schools.

“sweetie, I'm a little worried about you being there all alone. I can just look for it later when my meeting's over-“ oh boy, though Ms.Saitou’s kindness was endearing, you really need to go there alone so you can investigate properly. It’s time to pull up the shame card.

“u-uh..Ms.Saitou- the item in praticualr..is um..” you tried your best to look flustered, avoiding her gaze and fidgeting with your fingers, your posture lowering a bit as an act of embarrassment. “well…you know.”

Fortunately, it seemed to have worked, since her eyes widened and she cleared her throat, a sheepish smile on her face as she  looks away. “I see…well, carry on then. If you need someone to pick you up later I’m always one call away.”

“right, thank you.” you get out of the car, trudging your way to the house with an extra set of keys that were given to you. Yet before you open the door, a car honk stops you at your tracks. You look back at Saitou, whom still has the sheepish smile on her.

“and..uh, well I’m not sure if it’s been told to you yet, but please make sure to have protection at all times!”

You could feel the shame and cringe flood you- quickly giving her a strained smile and thanking her for the tip. Well, at least she cares. But, that is not your actual goal for coming here; nor did you and Aqua ever go that far anyway.

Your main goal is to find the truth- more specifically the truth on what Kana was speaking about. If your suspicions are true, Kana’s worry for you and the stalker and her conversation with Aqua are connected- and their conversation was nothing about the show- rather, perhaps, about an item or clue that Kana found within the Hoshino household while visiting it with Ruby. It’s just a hunch, but it’s a hunch you can’t possibly ignore anymore. Your doubts and worries have now overflown, to the point where you’re afraid it’ll  negatively affect your relationship with Aqua. and for what it’s worth, you’re sure your worries are for naught, and it’s just your overthinking and anxiety being a douchebag to you.

The house is untouched, almost spotless. The only thing showing any signs of people living here in the past months is the bottle of alcohol on the counter, and the few coats lasying on a couch here and there. it’s obvious that Saitou loves alone her, with Aqua even starting to live in the apartment in spending more of his time in your room rather than his.

You scan the place, looking through cupboards and drawers for any sing of something suspicious. Yet find nothing of that sort. With a sigh, you decide that it’s best to go into Aqua’s room first.

His room was clad in walls of blue, a poster of Ai Hoshino right atop of his wall, making you smile a bit at his fanboy heart. The room had only a few things, a closet, a desk with books and his bed, a blue circular carpet on the ground and of course, a window with blue satin curtains on it to fit the atmosphere. On his walls you could see some small little scribbles and drawings he and Ruby must've left when they were children, the books on his table were all sorts of acting ones, and on the shelf on top of his table there was a collection of tapes, all old classic movies he often ranted to you about when you were both pulling all-nighters with a walk to the park. You take a step in, though your morality fought with you about the breaking of trust and privacy and the consequences that’ll come with it , Kana’s horrified eyes couldn’t leave your mind, her shaky voice echoed through your head and you instinctively searched his closet for any kind of clues.

Yet, there was nothing.

You take a few steps back,

*clack*

You falter. You look down at your feet. You kick the ground.

*clack!*

You quickly slide the carpet away, and on the wooden ground, you see a plank that is ever-so-slightly off-color with the others. you take it out, and what you see leaves seeds of fear in you to brew. A black box, you take it out and see there’s a lock with a password on it. shit.

You first try Aqua’s birthday, nothing of note happens. Then, you try Ruby's. still nothing. You try his mother’s, that doesn’t do anything either. You try even his Idol’s date of birth and death, it still keeps itself locked. With a sigh, you think for a new answer, and quickly, a creepy thought comes up in your mind.

Slowly, you put your birthday in.

The lock opens..

Ooooook you’re not sure if you have to find this romantic or scary, perhaps both? Nonetheless, you open the box with a panic, and what you see is a collection of burner phones and notepads.

You first take out the notepads, opening them and having your heart drop at the sight of a schedule. Your schedule, from day in and day out. whom you’ve met, whom you’ve passed and even which café’s and shops you’ve visited. All dating back to the third day you've joined Strawberry productions, and most importantly, all in Aqua’s clean handwriting.

You can feel your stomach churning in horror,  a bundle of gasps and swears stuck down in your throat. You take a deep breath, even if it doesn’t do anything to calm your panicked heart. You open another notepad, seeing that it contains specific things about you, from your favorite color to favorite food, and even to what clothing stores you prefer buying clothes at. Holy shit, how did he even knew that one? You could’ve sworn you’ve never spoken about such things- even with B-Komachi. Unless he had an eye on your laptop screen on breaks, seeing which shopping websites you had open.

Your heart was breaking, piece by piece, little by little, with every more notepad you’ve opened and more information you’ve seen revolved around you, you can feel your perception of Aqua change. Aqua Hoshino, the man you love. The kind boy who puts on a façade of prince charming just so appease people, but is a dead-panned dork at heart, or maybe- that’s not who he is either. Perhaps he's been playing a game with you all this time as well. using you for his won means- maybe the same means on why he's still in acting. God, you fool. You utter fool. How could you think that a romantic kiss in the rain would fix anything, how could you even think that Aqua’s actions were even the slightest bit normal?

You take a look at the phones, and as you turn them on and put in your birthday as the password, you could only pray with shaky hands that they’re not what you assume they are. The phone turns on, only one contact is in the phone. It’s your number. Fuck.fuck fuck fuck fuck. In shock, with a  shaky hesitant thump, you click the messages. the image of you crying, the very image that has been sent to you lays within there. you scroll up, realizing through your new tears that he is the very same stalker who messaged you that night. He is the stalker who haunted your nightmares, the one who constantly made you feel on edge and that you were about to die. Aqua Hoshino, the one who saved you that very night, was also the one who put you in danger. You couldn’t help it, you throw the phone on the ground and started sobbing, your heart couldn't handle the pain and your mind was messing with you by replaying sweet memories, seeing them slowly rot and become sour. Everything he has done, everything you have lost, it was all apart of some sick plan, for a goal completely unknown to you.

Shit shit- you need to call the police, you need to tell someone about this- you need to-

A prickling, cold, familiar sensation runs through you. eyes were watching you. you quickly turn around. But it’s too late, Aqua, with eyes as cold as ice, holds a heavy metal pan and looks at you with disappointment. As if he found you with a broken vase.

“this will be quick, love.”

Before you could run away, your quickly grabbed and hit in the head. A pang searing through you as you fall down, vision slowly getting more blurry by the second, a sympathetic Aqua soothing your head as your pain worsens and you fall to sleep.

---

Gorou Amayima was a simple man, with a simple dream.

Though, most of his dreams were fabricated and influenced by his want of approval from his guardians, he knows that deep down, he too wants to find true love and settle down with a family. After all, with the kind of grades and money he now possesses, he’s certain that he can live a simple , lovely life in a family of four, maybe even five if you include the pets. Yet, there was always one problems. There was no one out there that he loved so much, and he was sure there was no one out there that loved a normal guy like him. how could one have a ,loving family or a peaceful life for that matter, without love in there to begin with? Yes, Gorou Amayima’s dreams were nothing but impossible, so he quickly discarded such fantasies and focused on his studies instead.

That is, until he met you.

One accident with a sweater led to a friendship through summer- and that friendship has led to him realizing how much you both have in common, and how to him, you were endearing, you were interesting, you were lovable.

Sure, you had your faults just like anyone else did- yet, those faults of yours only made you more beautiful to his eyes, more real. He couldn’t help but fall for you, couldn’t help but feel energized whenever you were around. Your jokes, your laugh and even your frowns and pouts, each of them were ingrained in his mind and he would find himself doodling your face in his notebook more times than one.

You were always there for him, always hyped him up and were his cheerleader when he felt the most insecure. And when you finally started dating, the support never stopped. You moved in with him in Miyazaki, even if you could’ve easily found a good job in somewhere more busy like Tokyo. Everything was perfect, and for once- after years of ignoring his own needs and dreams- he genuinely considered marrying you, and then having a family with you. perhaps, you could even adopt a few kids who were abandoned in the hospital, giving them the love they deserve. Maybe even, you could finally get into your love for music, you could take piano classes from the old man in the neighborhood. Everything would go smoothly, everything felt right. for once, Gorou felt satisfied with his dull life.

However, like all good things, this one had to come to an end as well.

The biker gang was always a problem around here, he’s heard from past rumours and whispers that they often come to this place to lay low, and the police force around here isn’t strong enough to take them down. He knew they were big trouble, and he’s always warned you to not go outside without him or someone else alongside you, not until they leave. But oh, you were persistent. You kept persisting that your small trip to the shop in a busier city a few miles away won’t take long-and that nothing would happen to you, why would they even care about you?

You convinced him, he couldn’t say no to your pout, he let you go that day, and soon  enough, as the rain fell and police lights blared the red and blue lights all over the road scene, a murder, a robbery-gone-wrong, with the gang member in question fleeing with all the money that was left in your purse- which was not much to begin with- since you spent most of it on a red sweater, a sweater with the very same color and shape as the one he’s met you the first day with. And bittersweetly enough, a handwritten note by you on that sweater, congratulating the anniversary of the day you met, the anniversary of your graduation. The world has become bleak once more, the dreams he had crushed and the love of his life gone because he failed to protect them, he failed to save you from this fate.

He thought that was the end of it, that your relationship was perhaps meant to end in a bitter tragedy.

Yet, it seems like gods above have given him a second chance, a second life to mend things with you.

A simple scroll around youtube, a simple search for some nice songs and inspirations for his role has led to him to hear a familiar tune- one you’d always hum while cooking- he froze for a moment, checking the playlist’s sources and finding your channel, a new artist on youtube making songs with vocaloids- he first thought nothing of it. but curiosity got the better of him. you were quite social on your platforms, though the information on your personal life was scattered- he knew from your business email you live somewhere near the same state he does- and soon enough, he got into work. He was unsure of why he was so desperate to see you, an artist he knows nothing about, yet their tunes awfully familiar. but anytime he thought of the songs, he could only see vivid memories of certain days with his past lover, the one that didn’t deserve the tragedy that has struck them.

His heart almost stopped when he first saw you

It was at first appalling- horrifying even, with no change in your appearance whatsoever- merely younger and in the same age as him as Aqua Hoshino- walking down the streets up to Strawberry Productions, a curious and nervous gleam in your eyes, the same gleam you had when you first met in that small café. It’s you, it’s really you. you have been reborn again, just like he was. but from what he realized during the interview, it seems like unlike Ruby and him, you don’t remember a single thing about your past. It’s no matter, because the truth was no obvious to him. the very reason of his rebirth and his chance in this world- was all so you two could have the life you’ve both always wanted, the life you've always deserved, unshackled by the expectations of legal guardians and others, able to do what you love, and be away from the dangers of the world. He just had to make sure that no harm ever comes to you, that in this life, you will live alongside him, and you’d grew old together. He'd do anything to keep you safe this time, and no amount of pouting or pleads from you could ever stop him from such a goal.

He wont let you die this time.

---

Cold. Thirsty. Hungry.

Those are your first upon waking up. your mind is in a complete haze, you feel like you’re in a crazy dream. Your body isn’t responding to you, every nerve slowly waking up one by one, yet not quick enough. Your vision comes back, and you find yourself in an abandoned hospital, one awfully familiar, yet you can’t pinpoint where you’ve seen it before. A tuft of blonde hair makes your body shake in fear.

“stay away from me!” you quickly scream, legs scrambling to crawl away, yet you find your hands tied behind your back, chained to a metal poll in on the wall. Aqua hisses at the shout, looking at you in a scolding manner.

“there’s no need to scream, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“bullshit!” you retort.  “you’ve been lying to me all this time! You’re just fucking using me for some crazy scheme that involves your acting, aren’t you?”

Aqua’s eyes widened, in a horrifying manner that leaves his star pupil pitch black and his firsts clenched. He looks art you with gritted teeth, furrowed brows indicating maddening disbelief. “ Y/n,” he says your name in such a passionate manner, you could feel bitterness form in your tongue. “ surely, you’re not that dense. You’re smarter than this,” his expression shifts from shocked to hurt. “ you know me better than this. you know I’d never do such a thing. Not to you.”

His voice his shaky. He’s genuinely hurt by your words. You could only look at him in disbelief. “ I love you. I did this all for you. you wouldn’t mind me keeping an eye on you if it meant just wanting to know you more, would you?”

“Aqua, you weren’t ‘keeping an eye’ on me. you were stalking me.”

“but it brought us closer, hasn’t it?” he gives a loving smile, a fond and real one, as if he believe his own delusional words. “without that situation, you and I wouldn’t have gotten so close. You wouldn’t have opened up to me so easily.”

“so that’s it? you fucking stalked me and made me think I was going to get kidnapped just so I’d talk to you more?”

He’s quiet, only giving you a knowing look. The gears in your head turn and your heart drops.

“oh god…you did it because you wanted me to fall for you?”

“it worked, hadn’t it?”

“oh my god.” You cried. You banged your head to the wall. the dread you were feeling, all the lovely moments in your head flashing in your mind, all of them were leaving you to despair. “oh my fucking god- Aqua. this is insane. You’re being insane!”

“doll, do you really think you’d fall for me in normal circumstances?” he crouches down, palming your cheek and caressing it. the touch feels horrible on your skin, yet as you try to steer it away, he grabs your chin and makes you look at him. “ I know you. and I knew you’d be too introverted to ever fall or speak to me that quickly. You’re mindful of who to trust. It’s what's so endearing about you, but it’s also the thing that was holding us back.” he gives a solemn look. “trust me, when we both would’ve realized the spark, it would’ve been far too late.” He goes back to caressing your cheek again, all while you remain horrified and silent at his rambles. “that’s why I needed to take matters into my own hands, I needed to make sure that you’re safe and sound, and the only way to do that was to make a fake disruption that would guarantee your safety if any real disruptions do happen.” He feels his finger becomes wet, and he now sees the little tears that were almost overflowing your eyes. He coos as he rubs them away, you’re too scared to move, afraid that his grip on your face may become harsher to the point of break the bones on your skull. “love, there’s no need to cry. I only did this because I love you. I never meant for it to scar you as much as it did.”

You couldn’t help but sob now, fully knowing that he’s too far back in his delusions to listen to any of your reasonings. “please Y/n, don’t cry. This situation is only temporary.”

“w-what do you mean?”

“Well, when I’ve finally convinced you that I’m just doing what’s best for you, then, I’ll let you free from the ropes. I just need to make sure that you won’t hurt me or tell anyone about this.”

“You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” you sobbed. “This is not normal, Aqua. none of this is. Please, you need to let me go- I-“

He quickly puts both hands on your head, steering you to look deep in his eyes, obviously hurt by your sobs and screams of plead. “Don’t you understand?! Y/n…” he shakes, as if he’s about to cry too, trying to calm down his breathing as he firmly holds your head in place, and you couldn’t help but feel scared, terrified of the boy in front of you. “…please, don’t make this harder than it should be. I’m only doing this for your own good. I'm doing this because I love you. I don’t know how much clearer do I need to make this.” his voice shakes, drops of tears now staining your clothes. “ please, don't hate me. don’t be afraid of me. just love me like you always did.” His voice breaks. “please—  just forget whatever you saw in my room- or at least know that I’ve done it all with the intention of keeping you safe when real danger does come.”

“w-what if this real danger is all in your head? Aqua- be reasonable-please. Who on earth would want to kill me of all people?” to that, something  in his eyes shift. He becomes delusional, his eyes look almost static, he's lost in thoughts you couldn’t comprehend.

“….you’d be surprised on the amount of cruel people out there.” he mumbled, none of his words making sense to you at the moment. “…I’ve seen you die once, I won’t let it happen again.”

“w-what in the world are you talking about? I-I’m alive right now, aren't I? see? I’m safe, a-and I'm okay- so you can let me go now. Aqua, please, let me go.”

He only seemed to be listening to half of your words, mumbling to himself a bit. he smiled at you, looked at you as if you were the most precious object he could’ve ever obtained.  “Yeah, Yeah. you’re safe now. Safe because I intervened rather than staying back. I wouldn’t make that mistake again, I swore to always protect you, I’m not planning to break that promise twice.”

“what?” arguing felt completely hopeless. You really didn’t know what to do anymore but sob. He coos at you once more, hugging you so tight as the rope around your wrists stung.

“don’t worry Y/n…I’ll set you free from the ropes when the time is right.” he holds you closer. “ when you finally give in.”

You gasped, crying out and trembling from fear, the very source of them hugging and whispering sweet nothings into your ear as if he isn’t a monster, as if he’s not the evil queen who tricked you into biting the apple. He is no prince charming, and he is no bad boy. He’s a psychopath whose delusional with the world around him, thinking that he is doing the right thing, when he's only making your worst nightmares come true. His kisses, now all over your face as an act of worship, feel cold and bitter, his hugs feel too tight and his words make you dread.

All this time, you thought you knew Aqua Hoshino to a T. but in fact, even around you, he was putting on a mask, and playing the part that would charm you most. Only to hit you in the head at curtain call and bring you to an unknown, abandoned hospital, to worship and love.

"I promise, you'll feel great here." his eyes quickly shine in slight amusement, he seemed to remember a key information. "oh, and don't worry about someone worrying about you being lost. I'm sure you know this by now, but the stalker case was never confirm to end, so with your disappearance, it'll be opened once more, and right before it, a certain gang member kept persisting to take you home, remember?"

you couldn't help but gasp, shock coursing through you as you can't do anything but cry and listen to his scheme as he holds you. holy shit, holy fuck. is as if he's planned every little thing from the very start- even Kana's suspicion towards him could've been planned for all you know. 

"let it all out of your system, darling." he smiled, dark and victorious, knowing fully well he's won a game you didn't even know the rules of, let alone know that you were playing it. " don't worry, you'll feel way better after a good rest. " his head tilts up to the dirty walls, humming deep in thought. "Say, you wouldn't mind some decoration around here, would you? maybe I'll even buy you some books if you behave well enough. any sort of technology is out of the question though. can't have you contacting someone from outside now, can I?"

your mind was too hazed out to respond, only wishing that this was all a cruel and wicked dream.

----

A/n:

hi hi!!!! if you're readers from my other fics, yes hello I'm alive lmao. if you're new here, welcome! I hope you all enjoyed my writing!!! honestly, this is my first yandere fic. so I'm not sure how well it'll be perceived. there are certainly better fics out there, but I hadn't seen much content on yandere Aqua before writing this, so I decided to experiment a bit! low and behold, this oneshot took much MUCH longer than expected. I genuinely thought this would be 7 to 13k words tops, yet here we are. this is officially the longest chapter and oneshot I've ever wrote. oh! and also for the ending, well, I wanted to leave it a bit open, so you can choose whatever ending you'd like for reader's story. I have a few suggestions myself, one with reader escaping, or Kana saving them and kicking Aqua's ass like the girlboss she is- or perhaps, if you're looking for a sad one, maybe reader becoming completely brainwashed and utterly convinced by Aqua's words, maybe even being convinced to replace Kana in the team. nevertheless, the ending is up to you, if you want you can share your endings with me in the comments! it's always a complete and utter joy for me to read them!! <3333

now if you'll excuse me, I'll go break my back on school projects all while continuing to write for my silly fics, have a great week everyone!!!!

[fivelila]

Why do I think Diego and Lila's relationship was toxic?

No, this isn't going to be a post where I want to bring up the rightness of Lila and Five's relationship and throw dirt on Diego. Not in the least. I want to discuss the real events of the story. Here we go.

Season 2

2x01

Diego has been in a psychiatric asylum for 75 days; it is not clear from the plot how long Lila has been there with him. A fateful meeting and escape together? Not exactly, since Lila is being set up by the Handler. Besides, Diego doesn't want her to have anything to do with his plan. But Lila has no respect for his wishes and joins him for the sake of her mission. Yes, she helped him during his escape, but their entire situation was built on a lie.

2x02

Diego wants to split up after the escape, but Lila doesn't want to. Later, he wants her to leave again when Lila is rude to him. But she stays. Then Five shows up and Diego agrees to leave with him and that Lila will go with them - which doesn't really make sense, he's wanted to get rid of her several times up to this point and now he's had the perfect opportunity to do so.

It's kind of weird how quickly Lila gets involved in their stuff. She's a stranger to Five, but he might think Diego knows her well and trusts her (since he wanted her to go with them). But Diego changes his attitude towards her unnaturally quickly. And I'm not really sure why. Was it just because he was attracted to her? Seems like a weak reason to me.

Their first sweet scene? If Lila wasn't pretending to be someone else. I mean, she went on to play "Lila from the asylum who doesn't understand what's going on" but it wasn't really her. We know Lila was highly intelligent and when she looked scared and confused about things that were going on, it wasn't real. In fact, in the context of things, I don't know exactly what to make of that moment. But it seems like it was a play on his emotions.

2x03

Yes, well, Lila helped Diego in this scene. But I found her medical methods a little questionable, ngl.

And their first time? Well, honestly, the most honest part for me is when Lila confides in him about her family. That was real and I think she took advantage of finally being able to talk to someone about it. But the subsequent kiss and the rest. I already wrote this in another post, but Lila definitely seemed very taken aback after the kiss, that he took advantage of her weak moment and their bonding felt like part of a plan to be able to stay on with Diego, but not for his sake, but for her mission.

I don't want to say she didn't mean to do it, yet her expressions don't look happy. And then there's the question of whether it's because of what happened before or what happened after (meeting Handler) because Lila seemed cool there.

2x04

Yes, the dance scene and the sparks fly. But also, when Lila wants to lead Diego in the dance, it makes Diego a little out of tune. A small demonstration that her open-mindedness and reversal of established roles is not something he likes. It's just that at the same time, Diego is charmed by her, and perhaps so he doesn't even notice her minor manipulations. It seems to me that Lila is testing how much Diego will be inclined to do things her way.

The rest of the episode is more Fivelila, but the moment Lila chooses to save Five and not him, it's clear she's hit him with it and doesn't understand why she did it and turned her back on him. Handler's instructions to her were still above everything else.

2x05

Diego is hurt that Lila didn't help him. And he begins to suspect that Lila is lying to him, but only after Five starts talking about it when Lila becomes suspicious (proof that Diego was kind of blind to her and needed to open his eyes). Later in the episode Five finds out the truth about her.

--

To be continued next time if you are interested...

[f1crecs]

Fic Rec List - Fics with 500 Kudos or Less!

we wanted to post this as a thank you for 500 followers and to highlight some of the fics we think are underrated!

if your fic is on this list and you don’t want it to be, please let me know and we will remove it immediately, no questions asked. we have contacted most of the authors on this list, but sometimes people fall through the gaps - just pop us a message🤍

have a pairing you want us to do next? please read the faqs and then head to the inbox.

don’t forget to give the authors featured on this list some love in the form of kudos, bookmarks, and comments!

like we're the last people on earth by @pessimisticidealist | Lando/George | T | 17.6K

Lando joins Mercedes alongside George Russell for the 2026 season. George expects it to go poorly, incredibly so. And he's correct. The characterizations in this one are clear and feel very real, the tangled emotions and the potential catastrophes falling slowly into something terrible and wonderful and complex. Alex's involvement in the whole ordeal turns it into a wonderful exploration of the 2019 rookies.

Lewis was right, ultimately, George thinks; his only consolation is that it isn’t Alex who he’s going to destroy, who’s going to destroy him. Maybe Lando is a little more oblivious, but — no, no, he knows they will consume each other and themselves, if not this year then next, if not the next then not long after. Nico still floats around the paddock on race weekends like a lost moon, still interviews Lewis with longing heavy in his voice. Lewis speaks to him like he would any other reporter. George doesn’t want to do that to Lando, either. He doesn’t want Lando to do that to him. “Thrilled, of course, Lando’s a good mate,” he tells the press, with vacant eyes and a fixed smile. “No one deserves the Merc drive more than him.”

plant new seeds in the melody by @lellabella | Lando/Oscar | T | 20k

In this magical realism AU, Lando and Oscar are both still McLaren drivers, with one small twist: they both have powers. The worldbuilding in this fic was exceptional: vivid and so well developed, I could picture it all unfolding before my eyes. Both Lando and Oscar's powers fit them so well, and I love how the author carefully built the development of their relationship around them becoming more comfortable with each other's abilities. Despite all powers, though, they are still so very Lando and Oscar at the core of this fic, and I loved the characterisation and writing so much.

But now that Lando is the senior driver, he's supposed to be the one who handles his feelings with maturity, not hopelessly crushing on a younger rookie. This isn't ogling handsome Carlos from afar; he wants to wrap Oscar in a blanket and make him hot chocolate and know that he's okay. He wants to see Oscar smile not just because it's pretty but because he genuinely cares about his happiness. That part is new.

nsfw: live in five by @danifesting | Daniel/Max | E | 25k

Daniel discovers Max's Twitch stream and quickly becomes obsessed with them. This fic explores Max and Daniel getting to know each other and learn each other. I really liked the Max characterisation in this. Very direct but also very open to learn. One of my favourite parts is the mod group chat and how it serves as extra information for the reader, set's the tone nicely and helps you understand the overal context of Max and Daniel.

“I should probably explain my different set-up. This is not permanent. I will be back to my normal room at home in two weeks but for now, I am visiting my boyfriend.” electricsld: oh! a boyfriend! andpussycats: say more max dr3rd: yeah maxy, say more “Well, he is very sweet and he does not mind that I need to stream while I visit him. We live in different places, so we, of course, do not get to see each other very often, but it has been very nice to visit.” dr3rd: is he handsome? Max wants to roll their eyes at Daniel fishing for compliments but they contain themself. “Yes, very handsome. So handsome I cannot believe he picked me.”

I Know Your Name (But Not Who You Are) by @wanderingblindly | Charles/Max | T | 7.7k

Charles isn't in Monaco anymore, instead, now he's in Arizona. He's suffered loss at the hands of racing. Max turns up unexpectedly. Great fic if you want to cry and sob and scream into your pillow at 2 am! Amazing writing that just makes you want to lie in bed and contemplate life :) this is such an underrated fic!

There’s not another soul in the desert, just the brief rustle of an autumnal breeze ghosting along the loose earth. But behind Charles’s eyelids, in the space between him and the world above, it’s them. It hasn’t been them in a long time, he hasn’t let himself think of it. He isn’t running from anything, fluttering from city to city, crossing oceans he never touched as a boy. He’s searching, maybe, for a place where the wind can blow it all away. The sun feels warm as he raises his arm, fingers outstretched as he tries to hold that boundless blue in his palm.

nsfw: Everybody Wants to Rule the World by @kaytheologiearchive | Nico/Sebastian | E | 23k

It's 2022, Sebastian is driving for Aston Martin when their new team principal is announced – Nico Rosberg. The author said it best herself – this fic is all about "the absolute fantasy of being the villains favourite girl". And Nico makes a lovely villain, snarky and a bit pretentious but with the ability to back up his words and make his promises reality. I especially love Seb's character arc, starting with 2022!Seb, reluctantly forced to accept that his world champion days are over, to then finding his spark again under Nicos guidance and returning back to his charming, selfish, index-finger-in-the-air ways. Really they are both absolute assholes in this but thats what makes them perfect for each other.

“I’m here for the same reason you are,” he says, megawatt smile back on his face. “To win you a title.”Seb sits back in his seat, grinning bitterly. “Don’t let Stroll hear you say that. The only reason he bought this team is to try to get a title for his son. I’m just here to play mentor until they build us a car one of us can win with, and then he’ll turn me loose.” He doesn’t add, just like Ferrari did. He doesn’t have to.Nico scoffs. Seb’s met so few people who actually scoff in real life. “Lance Stroll,” he says, disdain dripping around every consonant, “is never winning a title. You still could, though, and you know it. You’d have retired if you didn’t think so.” Seb opens his mouth, prepared to contradict him, and Nico silences him with a wave of his hand. “Don’t give me your go-to line about the love of the sport. You’ve only ever been here for one reason. The media might forget, you might even want them to forget, but I know what you’re really like.”“And what’s that?” Seb asks. Against his better instincts, and even though he knows Nico can’t have a single good motive for being here, he’s intrigued by whatever Nico’s about to say. Nico’s always been an enigma to him, Nico’s opinion of him doubly so.“You’re ruthless,” Nico says, almost in a whisper. “You’re brutal, and ambitious, and you’ll do whatever you have to to take everything you want.”

Rabbit, Rabbit (it takes a village) by @481boxboxbaby | Lando/Oscar | M | 25k

Oscar wakes up to find four baby bunnies in his shower. In the world of this story, that's as good as peeing on a stick. This boy is knocked up, and there are six possible baby daddies. This is a sweet, funny and heartfelt fic that takes a cracky idea (magic bunnies means you're pregnant) and treats it seriously. Oscar is definitely a bit of a pillow princess and good time guy - that's why he has bunnies - and the fic follows his journey of self discovery, growing as a person along the way and learning that knowing himself is far more important than knowing who the daddy is. The guy who steps up, and who Oscar chooses in the end, is maybe a little unexpected but it absolutely worked for me.

“Oh,” Oscar blushes a fierce shade of red. “We’re not a throuple. They’re just friends. I mean, maybe one of them is the other father but - um - that’s sort of the thing.” The midwife raises an eyebrow and cocks her head to the side, waiting for him to go on. Oscar instead looks at Liam and Logan, desperate for one of them to bail him out. “You see, there’s a roster,” Logan says, his expression awfully serious like he’s trying to be as tactful as possible, even if he did just start off by outing Oscar as a hoe.

THREE SCENES IN A CITY by @loveisworry | Alex/Charles | T | 6.8k

Charles and Alex and a party. This is the kind of fic that you read, and then you remember for the rest of your life. This is a truly stunning urban fantasy, very immersive and atmospheric.

'Charles, the city’s chosen son, knows these streets better than the backs of his hands, which are often smeared with ink. There’s a scar where his left thumb joins the meat of his hand that he always forgets about. He’s had it since he was a child, and doesn’t remember it’s there because he doesn’t remember how he got it. Without a story to hang onto it disappears'

[ewingstan]

Worm and other media that won't just let you shoot the Joker, part 1:

Worm comments on the structure of stories, especially superhero stories, in some interesting ways. There's a lot of stuff that happen in superhero comics for no real reason than that it needs to happen for the story to be interesting; a huge amount of Worm's worldbuilding is devoted to taking these things and making the fact that they have to happen an explicit in-setting constraint. For instance, superhero stories tend to have more powerful heroes face off against much more powerful villains than their less-powerful allies, to the point where it seems like super-powerful threats are coming to earth every few weeks just because it wouldn't be interesting to read that comic otherwise. It gets weirder when you compare what villains end up visiting the cities of uber-powerful heroes vs the cities of less powerful heroes: Gotham mostly just has to deal with serial killers while Metropolis is a magnet for evil gods. Worm plays with this by having the Endbringers exist only because the big hero needed something to fight in-text: it changes "powerful heroes need powerful villains or else it wouldn't be interesting" from a Doylist justification to a Watsonian one. Then there's the fact that so much of the horrible conflict in Earth Bet is explicitly caused by Gods making sure the powers they grant people lead to increased conflict, the fact that one of the most powerful characters does what she does because the plot path to victory says she needs to, etc.

But the big one is Jack Slash, and how he's only able to get away with his bullshit because he has plot armor as a secondary power. As WB says here, "Jack's a reconstruction of the Joker type character in the sense that you can't have such a character take such a high profile position in the setting, without having there be a cheat." The Joker and similar characters are only able to keep being relevant threats in their stories because the narrative bends to let them win and stops them from being killed. Jack Slash is only able to keep being a relevant threat because his power makes the universe bend to let him win in the same way. Not only does this make for an interesting obstacle (its almost like they're fighting an authorial mandate!), but it skewers the use of similar character's plot armor and how unrealistic and unsatisfying it makes their stories.

But wait, what does it mean for a story to be "unrealistic" in the context of superpowers? Is being unrealistic in those contexts actually a problem? For that matter, what does it mean for a narrative to bend to let someone win? Its not like there's an objective way fighting the Joker would go, which the author is deviating from by letting him survive.

[Stuff under readbelow contains spoilers fo, the movie Funny Games and the book Anybody Home?]

Maybe we could say that if characters like the Joker were real, and put in the situations they are in their stories, they would end up being killed really quickly. But is that a reasonable way to judge stories? A narrative where such a character is killed unceremoniously to satisfy a need for realism isn't any less an expression of the author's deliberate choices than a story where the character keeps showing back up to satisfy a desire for fan-favorite characters. And while Jack Slash's arcs help show why deviating from "realistic consequences" in the service of keeping a character alive can make a story exhausting and screw with an audiences' appreciation of stakes, it doesn't make a strong case against the concept of villains having plot armor in general. A story isn't necessarily worse just for being constructed to keep the villains alive—all stories are constructed, and sometimes being constructed that way makes for the best story.

That becomes more clear when you take the premise of Jack Slash as "killer who wins because the mechanics of the universe says so" and make clear just how much "the mechanics of the universe" really just means "the story". Which is how you get Peter and Paul from Funny Games.

I'd highly recommend watching Funny Games (though for the love of god check content warnings), as well as Patricia Taxxon's review of it that I'm cribbing a lot from here. But to summarize, Funny Games is a movie written and directed by Michael Haneke about a family's lakeside vacation being interrupted by the appearance of two murderous young men, who capture them in their own house and slowly torture and kill them off. At least, that's what it seems to be about initially. It marketed itself as a somewhat standard entry in the genres of torture porn and home invasion thrillers, and played itself straight as one for the majority of its runtime. But then one of the two villains of the pair, "Paul," starts talking to the audience.

It starts small: after crippling the family's father and revealing that he killed their dog, Paul has the wife look for its corpse outside. While giving her hints, he slowly turns back towards the camera and smirks, before turning back. In isolation, maybe it could be interpreted as Paul smirking at Peter, seeming to look out at the audience only because of clumsy blocking. But then it happens again. Paul tells the family, who are completely at their mercy at this point, that they're gonna bet that they'll all be dead within twelve hours. When the family refuses to take the bet, asking how they could hope to win it when he can clearly off them all whenever they wish, Paul turns towards the audience and asks "what do you think? Do you think they stand a chance? Well you're on their side aren't you. Who you betting on, eh?" The audience is being acknowledged; their role as someone invested in the story is being examined by the ones introducing the stakes.

But the biggest moment comes near the end, when the mother grabs the shotgun she's being threatened with and blasts Peter. Paul startles, grins, and then hurredly grabs a tv remote and presses rewind. The movie itself suddenly rewinds to right before the mother grabs the gun, and plays again with Paul grabbing the shotgun right before the mother reaches for it.

Its a truly incredible moment, in that its the perfect way to forcibly take away the audience's suspension of disbelief. It forces the audience to acknowledge that they're viewing a story, not something happening to a real family. After their moment of catharsis against the villains, Paul makes the confront the fact that the movie will end however the creators want it to, and if they want the villains to win they'll will regardless of how little sense it makes. Fuck you, we can go from being set in the normal world with normal rules to the villains traveling back in time with a tv remote, because a story does whatever its creators want. Haneke just decided to make that obvious in the most jarring way imaginable.

But maybe the best way to illustrate Funny Games effectiveness at this type of artful unveiling is comparing it to its less-effective imitators. I've recently finished Anybody Home?, a recently-published book by Michael J. Seidlinger. It has the conceit of being narrated by an unnamed mass-murderer, guiding a new killer in their first home invasion. I started reading it before I watched Funny Games, and even afterwards took a while to realize the unnamed narrator wasn’t just a pastiche of a Paul-like character but was actually supposed to be read as Paul himself. Seidlinger was having his book be a sort of unofficial sequel to Funny Games, narrated by its star. Once I realized, a lot of the books details suddenly clicked. The big one was the constant references to “the camera" and the idea of murder being a performance for an audience, one that needed to be fresh and original to make “the cults” enjoy it. Take these passages from page 77:

If it happened, it would perturb. It would create suspicion. It wouldn’t end up ruining the performance, and yet, it could have derailed our casing. The camera can have all it wants; either way, it’ll make it look better than it really was. It’ll strip away the cues and other planned orchestrations and it’ll show the action—the actuality of each scene, each suggestion…

This is a spectacle, above all. The craft pertains to keeping and maintaining a captive audience; behind the camera, you’ll never know how it happened—the trickery that made the impossible possible, the insanity so close to home. It is spectacle.

Through online activity, the son made it clear that something is happening at home, yet we cannot be certain if he has noticed the camera.

These all point to the idea that the murders are being viewed by an audience rather than just by intruders, that this is a performance for said audience's benefit more than anything else. But notably, it also reinforces the idea of these characters having an existence outside of the camera: the camera shows the action and "strips away" the cues behind it, the victims have a life outside the camera such that they could plausibly sense that the camera is now here. The victims are sometimes described as playing into their role, but always metaphorically; always as if normal people start acting like characters when put in certain circumstances. Whereas Funny Games posits that characters will behave however the author wants them to, denying the claim that stories are realistic simulations of hypothetical scenarios.

The whole thing is predicated on the idea that there needs to be a guide, that the villain of a home invader movie is really in danger of something going wrong. Paul/The narrator keeps giving directions on what needs to be double checked, what needs to X, and its completely against the spirit of the role Paul served in Funny Games. If something goes wrong for the villain they should just be able to rewind and do it over, because the story was written for them to succeed. Anybody Home? throws out Funny Games theme of the story being on rails, of the winner being whoever the author wants it to be and the events following whatever the author wanted rather than what would "really" happen. It throws out the whole idea that it’s all just a story, by supporting the idea that the characters have lives not captured by the camera—or more relevantly, not captured on-page.

Because Seidlinger using the language of film in a book leads to different things going on with the fourth wall. The way Funny Games and Anybody Home? make the camera explicit are just different, and the former does it much more interestingly than the latter. Seildinger’s characters aren’t looking back at the reader, the fourth wall is never actually breached. Funny Games has Paul look into the camera to address the audience, making clear how it’s a story being set up for the audience's benefit. Anybody Home? invokes the idea of a camera tracking everything home invaders do in general, having it be a third-party force that’s itself an unseen character contained within the story, observing the intruder's crime rather than the reader. Why is it still a camera, if we're in a book rather than a movie? A character in a book talking about a camera watching them does not convey any of the same meaning as a character in a movie suddenly looking into a camera and smirking at the audience!

By the end, you realize that this is caused in part by the book's bizarro take on how horror movies exist in this world. It reveals that in its setting, all horror movies are adaptations of real home invasions, which get recorded by unseen mysterious forces. Killers enter a home and enact violence, are filmed by some supernatural camera, the footage gets leaked to the public, and then the killers sell the rights to the work to studios. The events of SAW really happened, but the movie was just an adaptation. Funny Games really happened, but the Paul in the movies was just an actor playing the Paul narrating this book. The killer's victims eventually realize that they're "victims," but not in the sense that they realize their characters in a story, only in a sense that they realize they got sucked into their world's magical realism bullshit.

Ultimately, while the book does the same trick of being all about how horror stories are “for” us, it gets rid of all the tricks that made it work for Funny Games. It even strips it's in-universe version of what made it special; Funny Games is just another adaptation of a real home invasion. All the meta stuff that makes it interesting in its genre are just gestured at as aesthetics.

So what makes Jack Slash in Worm succeed where the killers in Anybody Home? fail? Both are constructed to be entertaining for a 3rd party who stand-in for but aren't actually the audience; the entities in Worm, the cults in Anybody Home?. But Jack Slash doesn't mix his metaphors. Worm may turn various real-life factors affecting a work into in-story mechanisms of the world in the same way Anybody Home? does. But it doesn't also base itself off a text that takes in-story mechanisms and breaks them to force the audience to see the various real-life factors affecting the work. In effect, WB pulls off a trick Seidlinger tries and fails because WB wasn't taking another metatexual story and stripping it of what made it interesting.

Though that introduces the question: can such meta-moves be mixed? Can you have a text where story conceits become explicit plot mechanics the characters are aware of, while also having characters really look at the camera and tell the audience that its all just a story? Can you actually sell it and make it something interesting?

There is one story that tries this. I don't know if it pulls it off, but it certainly makes a lot of interesting moves that create a fascinating whole. It even comments on the Joker in the same way Worm does, having a character who seemingly cant die because the roll they play in the story is too impor—

Ah fuck.

Continued in part 2.

[ryin-silverfish]

Nezha the Demon Child: oh god not the discourse

…I promise, this isn't about Nezha's age. No, really, it isn't.

It's about this idea of pre-resurrection Nezha as a "Demon Child", and good lord that's just as discourse-worthy isn't it.

My short answer is "It's Nezha 2019 specific and doesn't quite work outside of that context, if you are using FSYY's version of Nezha's backstory."

My long answer is this entire post.

First, I must define what I mean by "Nezha as Demon Child". It's the popular fanon inspired by 2019! Nezha, who is the Demon Pearl incarnate as opposed to 2019! Ao Bing's Spirit Pearl, after 2019! Shen Gongbao switched the two around, and thus destined to be destroyed by divine thunderbolts in three years.

In the movie, Nezha's demonic birth and out-of-control powers makes him into an outcast, despised by the villagers, and he retaliated with some pretty mean pranks.

But whereas 2019! Nezha's parents still love him and try their best to give him a good childhood in those three years, in the "Demon Child" fanon of JTTW adjacent works, Li Jing is the one who despises Nezha and sees him as a demon from the moment of his birth, and sometimes Jinzha and Muzha too.

Now, I have made it pretty clear before that I'm not a big fan of Li Jing. However, if we are just looking at FSYY novel, how much support can we really find for the "Demon Child" idea?

Well, for starters: there is only the Spirit Pearl/Lingzhu Zi in FSYY proper, who reincarnated as Nezha, destined to become the Vanguard of the Zhou Army in the upcoming War of the Investiture.

When Lady Yin gives birth to a ball of flesh after 3 years of pregnancy, two servants report to Li Jing that she has given birth to a demon. Li Jing rushes into the room with a sword and cuts the ball open, and a little kid jumps out and starts running around, and this is Li Jing's reaction:

李靖骇异，上前一把抱将起来，分明是个好孩子，又不忍作为妖怪坏他性命。乃递与夫人看。彼此恩爱不舍，各各忧喜。

Rough translation: "Shocked, Li Jing stepped forth and lifted him up into his arms; such a fine child. He could not bring himself to harm the child as a demon. Then he passed him over to his wife, and the couple showered him with affection, despite their individual joys and worries."

The next day, Taiyi showed up to congratulate him, asked about the timing of his son's birth, and basically went "Ah, crap." See, because the child is born at the hour of Chou, he is destined to break 1700 prohibitions against killing. Right after dropping that bombshell, Taiyi named the child Nezha, took him as his disciple, and just…left.

Soon, Li Jing got a report that 400 vassals had rebelled all over the realms, because prior to this, King Zhou had summoned his four major dukes to the capital, killed two of them, imprisoned one, and only left Chong Houhu the asshole bootlicker untouched, at which point the two dead dukes' sons promptly rebelled.

As Nezha grew to the age of seven, Li Jing was still conducting drills in case of an attack by the new Duke of the East's rebel army.

So what does it all mean?

Well…it sure doesn't support the idea that Li Jing despised Nezha because he still thought the child was a demon after cutting open the meatball.

He could plausibly be unsettled by the whole "break 1700 prohibitions against killing" prophecy, but instead of being abusive, I think it's more likely that he just neglected Nezha due to his duties as a general, leaving it entirely to Lady Yin to raise the kid.

Which is still not the best parenting, but with different implications for Nezha's character. Like, FSYY's Nezha gives me the vibe of someone who just doesn't quite understand social norms, or human behavior in general, or what a healthy degree of fear even feels like, and being outright despised or abused as this "Demon Child" would have taught him to fear things very quickly.

If he was indeed feared by Li Jing, it's less "suffer not the yaoguai!" and more "let's keep our third kid happy and ignorant and never let him out of the house again."

To use a fucked-up analogy…Nezha is less this dangerous hound that must be chained to a wall and whipped into submission, but a fine, powerful weapon Taiyi had left to them for safekeeping purposes, much like the Qiankun Bow & Sky-shaking Arrows sitting in their backyard building.

Perhaps he still isn't seen as his own person or treated like a regular, flesh-and-blood kid, yet it won't make sense for Li Jing or his older brothers to do the equivalent of spitting on this precious weapon or kicking it off the stands.

(Since Nezha doesn't even recognize Muzha when they run into each other during the Attempted Patricide Arc, my HC is Jinzha and Muzha both left home to study under their masters at a pretty young age, and rarely came back for visits.)

Like, I can still see Li Jing being this stuck-up and emotionally distant guy who only interacts with his kids to "check on their homework", so to speak.

Or Lady Yin coddling Nezha, partially because she wants to make up for Li Jing's absence, and partially due to the vain hope that, by sheltering her youngest child from the world, she might be able to shelter him from his very destiny too.

...

Here's where I go off a tangent: on a meta level, Nezha isn't a demon or an aberration of the natural order (which yaoguais are often seen as) either. This is very much informed by a Chinese essay called 由哪吒看《封神演义》的天命世界 that analyzed the character in relation to FSYY's view of Fate.

It is very well written and has given me quite the emotional damage (/hj).

Specifically:Nezha is destined to violate 1700 prohibitions against killing, not because he is "evil" or demonic, but because he's born to be an executioner carrying out the Will of Heaven.

He is the very embodiment of the "Peril" that is the War of Investiture, and thus must suffer through his own perils, to be ritualistically remade in death into a demigod-like warrior.

Much like how the Chan 12's participation in the War of Investiture is, in and of itself, a Peril, something they must endure and survive as the consequences to their causes——failing to sever the Three Corpses and breaking prohibitions, Nezha's suicide served as his Peril, a death that shall cleanse him of his guilt and satisfy the karmic laws while also fulfilling his destiny.

Everyone he killed in battle follows the same logic: they have violated taboos (more true for the Jie Sect immortals), gone against the impersonal, ironclad Will of Heaven yet paradoxically playing straight into Fate's hands, as their deification through death has proven——a Peril as well as a consolation prize.

To folks that don't buy into FSYY's view of Fate and think it's bullshit, or don't understand the logics of deification: an alternate and more "modern" interpretation of Nezha's suicide may be an attempt at finding freedom.

After all, what's a weapon's biggest act of resistance, but breaking itself?

After this, I'll never owe anyone anything again. My debts are repaid. I'll never see my mother cry. I'll be no one's son, no one's disciple, a blade that will never be sheathed and left to gather dust in the attic, obstructed, then blamed for doing what it's made for.

It also isn't as simple as he thought. Death, as well as freedom.

Looking back centuries later, he'll probably cringe at his younger self too.

This? This is what you think your destiny, or freedom from it, looks like? Dishing out death indiscriminately without understanding what it means and lashing out in a fit of rage——it doesn't make you a good warrior, or even a good weapon, just a mad dog!

Like, I think Nezha can be rightfully pissed at Li Jing's Asshole Arc after his death, while also gradually coming to a more mature and nuanced understanding of violence and his purpose during WOI.

Namely, as ironclad and undeniable as Fate is in FSYY, attributing everything to it is just an easy way to avoid the difficult questions and personal responsibilities.

And I feel like there are a lot of interesting potential in exploring Nezha's post-war arc, of someone who is born to be a weapon, who finds comfort and certainty in that purpose, suddenly having to become something else.

Not necessarily in the "learning to be human again" sense, moreso the divine equivalent of a veteran adjusting to civilian life, exploring the boundary between executioner and protector, while dealing with both the funny and messed-up implications of working alongside everyone he sent into the Investiture.

[monstermoviedean]

the rupture is both their faults, actually, and i'm going to yell about it now

here's the thing. the breakup scene in 15x03 once again starts on cas' terms, same as the argument in 15x02. dean has just gotten done wrapping up the ghost business by checking in with stevie, then he checks in with sam and tries to console him about losing rowena. then he goes to pour himself a drink, and that's when cas shows up and starts the conversation. i can't gauge his intention here, but his actions back dean into a corner. even if dean doesn't want to have this conversation for very good reasons, cas is going to make it happen.

consider that dean doesn't know what went down in the crypt. he has absolutely no clue what happened between cas and belphegor. cas has given him almost no detail about what happened. here's what dean knows at the start of this: cas killed belphegor, and the crook was destroyed. that's it. cas reveals during this conversation that it's because belphegor was lying, using them, and planning to suck up all the souls, which is why "the plan changed."

coupla things here. one. someone lying to dean, using him, and then sucking up a bunch of souls to get power and become a new god? yeah, dean has seen that before. that is beat-for-beat what cas did in season 6. i don't think that's lost on dean. i think he's remembering right then and there how he stuck up for cas then, how he refused to believe cas could have betrayed them when everyone else had given up on cas already. and how he was wrong. not to mention what followed.

that brings us to chuck. i cannot overstate the importance of the chuck reveal as context here. dean is questioning literally everything about his life. that includes cas. chuck pulling the strings could mean chuck is pulling cas' strings too. dean is wrong about this - he's being very paranoid and it's not good for him or anyone. but it also makes sense in context because the context is horror after horror after horror.

and that brings us to mary (and jack, and ketch, and rowena). are any of these deaths cas' fault? nope! but dean can trace all these deaths back to cas breaking the trust between them by not talking about his concerns about jack. dean feels that cas has broken the trust between them, and even though it's unfair to blame cas for this whole situation, it's perfectly fair for dean to feel betrayed on some level.

snapping at cas in the moment is not kind and not fair. under (relatively) normal circumstances, dean would quickly and sincerely apologize. but right now he's at his breaking point. and i can see why he's sick of extending trust and getting burned.

now cas' response. "you used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt." it's true! but cas isn't recognizing that his actions affect this trust. cas is not automatically entitled to dean's trust. trust is earned, and it needs to be reciprocal. cas also needs to trust dean, and dean is wondering if cas does trust him if he didn't trust him enough to tell him about jack. we know cas trusts dean, but dean doesn't necessarily know that, especially when his faith in everything is at an all-time low. but in spite of that, cas is placing the burden here on dean, blaming dean for not granting cas his trust and the benefit of the doubt. i don't think that's especially fair either.

then he brings up his powers failing - it's an odd segue because they haven't really talked about this. this has not been made clear to dean or to the audience. then it's about dean not talking to him. can this be chalked up to lingering resentments from season 14? maybe? because if cas is talking about trying to talk to dean over and over in season 15, we only have two examples. 15x01, dean asks if cas is okay and when cas answers, dean ends the conversation. dean starts this conversation so it's not a great example of cas "trying to talk about it." and then 15x02, where cas corners dean and starts talking - just like this conversation in 15x03.

i'm not saying that if someone talks to dean when he doesn't want to have a talk, that all bets are off and dean can do whatever he wants. nope, not at all. but it's been a pattern for the last few seasons at least that dean avoids a conversation he's not able to handle -> someone else decides they need to have the conversation -> they force dean into it -> dean either walks away, beginning this cycle over, or he expresses upset, which makes him look like the bad guy.

"you don't want to hear it" may be fair. but "you don't care" is absolutely not fair. the problem is that dean cares too much and it's choking him. he's lost almost everyone. he is not able to bear it. he's retreating because he can't bear it, and then cas is accusing him of not caring at all at the first sign of dean not bending over backwards to care for cas. (as stated above, he is actively caring for sam, and everyone else he usually would care for is dead. so this is about cas)

finally, cas leaves when dean doesn't immediately apologize and talk to him and say he trusts and believes in him. cas turns and walks away. he has every right to do that, but he is an independent person with autonomy and he is making this choice. dean contributed to cas making this choice, but he's not solely responsible for it.

let's say their relationship is a bridge over a chasm. this is not a case of dean burning the bridge, though you can read it that way if you want to believe dean is at fault for everything. this is dean and cas retreating to their own sides of the chasm rather than meeting on the bridge. dean is very often the one to walk out on that bridge. this is one of the only times he doesn't, and cas takes that as a personal betrayal. but cas isn't walking out onto the bridge either.

[devilanon]

omg omg what about Simon coming home with a collar and a leash!! being excited/nervous how they'll react? btw i LOVE your writing and you should know you're super talented :D

thank you anon :-) i do my best. contains both collaring for simon and reader. [nsfw below cut, gn reader, pet play? choking tw]

He just kind of slaps it on the table without preamble. He comes home, toes off his shoes, and gestures to the inconspicuous black bag he's brought home with him. “Got you a gift,” he says, tone flat. If it were anyone else you’d find it rude, but it’s Simon, so you see it as more of a mark of anxiety than anything else. He seems unwilling to meet your eyes, looking at you, then the wall, then the bag. He’s not normally so… twitchy. “Oh, what is it?” You peer over the table at him, waggling your eyebrows, just to needle him a bit. It works. He lets out an irritated huff. “Just fuckin’ open it,” he says, pushing it further toward your person, and now he really can’t look at you. (He's flustered. How sweet.) You open the (now conspicuous in how discreet it is, given the context) packaging to reveal a studded leather collar and a chain. "…Oh."

FOR HIM.

You blink up at him, holding the chain heavy in your hand. “For me?” He clears his throat a little, and you can see a flush rising onto the apples of his cheeks. “For me,” he clarifies, voice low and gruff. …Say no more. You can work with this.

Simon is not a good puppy. Not at first, anyway. He’s always been headstrong, difficult. He has an attitude, a sort of cockiness about him that needs to be... trained out of him.

For instance, on one occasion, you collar him and then set about doing paperwork while he's sitting at your feet, quiet, looking pensive. Over time he inches closer until he's resting his head on your knee. It's actually quiet cute, his big stone-gray eyes looking up at you, the collar affixed neatly to his thick and muscled throat; not too tight, just enough room to slip two fingers under the leather and tug. He's looking for attention, so you give it to him. You card your fingers through his short-cropped hair and he flutters those pretty eyelashes at you.

And then he's humping your leg. Grinding his half-hard cock against your clothed calf, making no show of hiding it. You gasp, yanking him back by the leash, and he lets out a choked gasp at the pressure on his neck. "Bad!", you chide, frowning down at him.

He's undeterred, because of course he is. "You like it."

You quickly learn punishment doesn't work. Edging is a pain because he can and will outlast you, should he put his mind to it. Impact play just gets him harder. In fact, he'll act out just to get a slap on the face, a bop to the nose. It almost becomes a game to him, frustratingly.

What does work is praise.

You have to ignore Simon when he's acting up, and reward him when he's being good. When he sits with his head in your lap innocently, keeping his hands to himself? "Good boy." He lets out a satisfied little chuff, closing his eyes when you rub a thumb over his cheek, let him suckle on it as you press it to his plush lips. (He has an oral fixation, but that's another story entirely).

When you pull him closer into your sex while he's giving you oral, chain wrapped tight around your hand, babbling praises at him as he sucks and licks at you, he looks like he's died and gone to heaven. He nods, eyes glazed, mouth slick with spit; yes, yes, he is a good boy, keep saying that to him, thank you.

Pull on his collar when you're on top, riding him, making his vision blur and his breathing stutter, and he's a goner. Even better if he's fucking you from behind and you yank the chain over your shoulder, forcing him deeper into your heat.

FOR YOU.

"For me?" You delicately trace the studs on the collar, feel the cool metal, the weight of it in your hand. "For you," he answers, looking at you curiously, trying to gauge your reaction. He gives you an out, then, nodding to the collar - "If you're interested." Of course you are.

He isn't too mean, despite what some may assume; it's less about dehumanization and more a show of dominance, ownership, caretaking, even.

He slips his fingers through the slack of the collar, using it to pull you up and down on his cock as you suck him, the slow drag of your mouth making him groan and curse. He heaps praise on you; "Good puppy, taking me so deep. Good fucking puppy."

He'll have you ride his boots, leaving them wet and shiny with your spend. He'll lean back in his office chair, legs spread wide, his thick, muscled thighs straining in his jeans, and he looks down at you with something like disinterest, like he's watching some a pet of his do something mildly irksome. "That's it, puppy. Hump my fucking boots. I know you want to." He wraps the leash around his knuckles, pulling so that you're forced to look up at him, eyes wet with tears and face burning with embarrassment.

Definitely yanks the shit out of the leash when he's fucking you from behind, though, so he can force you into a deeper arch while he slamfucks you, the fat of his hips clapping against your ass. It drives him a little wild, the sounds you make with your windpipe compressed.