#because in class no one gives a shit. we just ignore it (which isn't great)

[toastingpencils37]

Bro, the heaters at my school are fucked up.

Yesterday, apparently at the beginning of the day in one of the buildings, the AC on one side was 60 degrees, whereas the other side was at 80 degrees. (I don't have classes in that building during that part of the day)

So they turned off the AC on the hot side. But then around the time 5th period started (my class period in that building), the AC on the other side went up to 80 degrees, so my teacher had to turn it off. And the principle even came to talk to my teacher about it briefly during class.

The AC in that class was apparently still at 80 degrees some point today as well.

And then in my brother's math class yesterday, the AC was really cold. But then today it was really warm.

So yeah. AC's fucked up.

[princesssmars]

plsssss do something for michael munroe im so starved

i could change your mind

some college football player mike headcanons.

contains: fluff. some nsfw. american football gross. mike is cocky whats new. fem!reader. hair nor skin color described.

a/n: anon i lowkey miss him too so i'll do a few headcanons for you anon. sorry that my until dawn rewrite is like on hiatus I just feel like it's gonna be such a flop so my brain says it cant be bad if I don't write it ??? idk. ty for making me do this. set in college but i've decided to start a year late so if i get shit wrong sorry scholars. (heart fingers emoji I'm on desktop fml.)

idk why but the first thing that popped into my head was him loving a sport...like he gives smart but also dumbass jock to me we let's go with he did football in high school and he's at college on a scholarship.

if you're like me you don't give two shits about the sport you probably would not like twice in a football player's way, which he definitely sees as a challenge. he'll come up to you in the dining hall and try to hit on you in front of his jock friends, spouting a "whatever you say, sweetheart" when you reject him with a grimace.

to your surprise and horror he's in one of your advanced classes in your second semester, sitting with his feet up next to your seat with a smile when you walk in. you do call him troglodyte for having his shoes on the table but he says with an easy smile that he's in with the teacher who said it was alright.

great.

for the first three weeks, you try to ignore his questions and poking at all costs, but when you get paired up on an important assignment you decide to hold your disdain on pause. he invites you to "study in his dorm" which nearly gives you a migraine, until he chuckles and tells you he's joking, telling you you can meet at common ground and study in the library.

you hold your tongue instead of giving a quip about how he probably won't be able to keep his mouth shut, but once you actually get there you realize the worst thing ever: mike munroe isn't a moron. he's actually pretty smart, maybe nearly as smart as you, and shows pretty good leadership with how he takes in both your academic strengths and divides the workload based on them. its not hard to see why he's the quarterback.

after you get an a+ on your project, you start to warm up to mike. his stupid quips in class start to actually become funny, leading to numerous moments where he makes you snort in class and the professor rolls his eyes.

your friendship soon grows enough that mike has the confidence to invite you to one of his games while you're walking around campus, and if you start to say no he informs you that he will not hesitate to get on his knees and beg in front of everyone. that makes you feel a little weird so you groan and tell him fine.

the whole time you don't really know what's going on, even though ten minutes before he had to get ready he tried to cram all of the rules into your head. even though you don't know everything you can tell when something good happens, like when he makes the touchdown that wins your school the game. he celebrates with his team members and his crowd of fangirls before coming over to you, clearly waiting for you to say football is fun or something,

you don't. but the after-party definitely was. you don't know what that frat guy put in the punch but it was good, and had you nearly drunk in only two hours. nearly being a keyword, because someone who was past the point decided to do a childish game of seven minutes, and you decided to play along for fun.

but it wasn't so funny when they spun the bottle and it landed on you, then the next turn between two people to point towards the couch where mike was watching with his friends. they both burst out laughing at the horrified look on your face as you reluctantly follow him inside the closet.

for the first minute it's quiet, soft noises from the two of you adjusting your bodies in the quiet space and "sorry"'s when you bump into the other.

he takes your silence for uncomfortableness, telling you he's alright with just sitting with you. "one of my favorite things to do actually"

you don't really know why but you kiss him after that. when you pull away you can faintly see his blank face. great. you ruined everything. you're about to give some half-assed excuse before his hand is on the back of your neck and he's pulling you back into him and pressing your body into his.

things get weird after that night.

you're still friends after that night, of course. except now its...different.

you still have your movie nights laughing at people making dumb decisions in horror movies, except now you'll sometimes wind up on mike's lap with your tongue down his throat.

you still text each other stupid pictures you found on snapchat (he insists on using it, fuckboy he is. or used to be, weirdly). except now before you go to sleep he'll send you a picture of his bulge with a smiley face at the bottom. if you send a picture back he'll send a long voice message that you don't open for your own sanity.

but you aren't like. dating. and you don't know why in passing you hear his teammate nick call you "mike's girl". because you aren't. at all.

and plus its not like you've slept together or even gone on an actual date. you're just...closer than normal friends are.

and then he leaves the next december to spend a week with his old friends, and you kind of mope around campus while he's gone. he makes sure to text you constant updates until the night where he arrives at the cabin, where he leaves you delivered for two days. he did say his ex was going to be there, so that nagging voice in the back of your head is telling you the worse.

until you finally get the call from some random number in alberta. when you pick up after some initial confusion you hear mike on the other side.

"mike? what the actual hell? its been two days, thought you somehow managed to get lost in the snow."

he laughed on the other line, able to tell you're insult at his intelligence meant you cared. his voice sounds hoarse.

"yeah, yeah i know. i'm sorry. something came up and i...i've been stuck in this damn police station-"

"police station? jesus, how hard did you guys party."

he calls your name and it's serious. he only sounds like that when something important or bad has happened.

"mike? is everything ok?"

"no, no its not. josh is...he's gone. the cabins gone. we're all pretty messed up."

you don't give a response, waiting for him to elaborate if he wants to.

"i don't know what to say..i'm so sorry."

"it's alright. i'll explain more when i get back. i just wanted to hear your voice."

"now you're really scaring me."

he laughs again, the scratch of his voice returning.

"thank you."

"for what? constantly insulting you and bringing you back to reality?"

"for making me laugh. haven't done it in a while."

"yeah, well...i'll make sure your roommate hasn't completely trashed your dorm. and we can get some takeout. on me, because i'm polite."

"screw that, we're going on a date."

your heart skips.

"did you actually get a concussion because that's not funny."

"im serious. no more being a pussy. time to start getting serious. plus we're basically already dating, so."

"god, why does everyone keep saying that?"

"i'll see you soon."

the phone hangs up and you toss the phone to the side with a slight smile.

[utilitycaster]

If you've read that recent article on polygon about Candela Obscura - "Critical Role’s Candela Obscura fails to differentiate itself enough from its inspiration" (6 November 2023) - I don't know much about the other systems and have trouble being objective about things I love, I was wondering what your opinion is

Hi anon!

I have! I will also admit I don't know Blades in the Dark terribly well, or rather, I have roughly the same BitD knowledge as I have Candela knowledge: I've watched (or in this case, listened) to a actual play show run in it (TAZ Steeplechase) and I've looked at the SRD. The Candela full rulebook doesn't come out for a week, so I really can't judge it for myself. So this isn't going to be objective either, but hopefully it will point out what I think the flaws in this article are regardless of the merits or failures of Candela Obscura as a game.

I think my overall issue is what I said about Polygon on the whole earlier this week: it really feels like their metric is first, is this innovative; and second, "does this reinforce my pre-existing political values in a way that allows me to feel warm and fuzzy and virtuous because I played a fun game/watched a fun show and lets me continue to ignore that I haven't actually engaged in any of that tiresome and inconvenient meaningful anticapitalist action."

I also, for what it's worth, think that this mentality very explicitly conflicts with what Critical Role is doing. I think a lot of people interpret the whole "a group of friends playing games" image as encouraging parasocial behavior (which, frankly, is weird in that while the CR fandom has had a parasociality problem, it's no different than any large fandom - Laurisha shippers or the Twinnies & Husbands crowd are literally just the Actual Play Fandom equivalent of Gaylors and Larries; also like, the pitch for WBN earlier this year was basically "hey, we're four friends playing games" and no one has blinked at that, nor should they have) when I think it's intended to mean "we are friends having fun making and playing the games we want to play; it's great if you'll join us but we're doing what we want." Given that Polygon has shown something of a bias towards those shows that give them early access, I do think it might be that they're just cranky they're not being given any special treatment or catering by an actual play show they've been shitting on for years, and this is simply a vicious cycle.

All that aside, more importantly in this case, I think the article shows a notable lack of Ebert's law: "A movie is not about what it is about. It is about how it is about it." Samantha Nelson, the author of this article, appears to be both incapable of evaluating Candela Obscura outside the context of Blades in the Dark - which is frankly, in my again admittedly limited opinion, vastly overstated as an influence (the Forged in the Dark engine is certainly a strong influence, but that's purely mechanical and also it's still only an influence - more on this later) - and also seems to want Candela Obscura's rulebook to flesh out Newfaire and Oldfaire in the same way that Blades in the Dark fleshes out Duskvol.

The thing is, those wide-open spaces and the vagueness of OldFaire? That's deliberate. The Looper interview with Spenser Starke and Rowan Hall as well as the Tabletop News interview both make this clear. The aim of Candela Obscura is to be very easy to pick up, to not have a bunch of intimidating lore that players and GMs need to know before they jump in (and I say this as someone who, when invited to her first D&D game, was the person who read the PHB and sent the other new players a brief summary of each race and class; I love intimidating lore), and to accommodate a wide range of styles. They considered making Oldfaire much more detailed in the book and then decided not to so that GMs felt more free with the world. Again, my knowledge of Blades in the Dark is heavily skewed by an actual play of it that's explicitly not in Duskvol (which I think is a very interesting commentary, namely, maybe Nelson just really fucking loves Duskvol but no one else gives a shit). I genuinely think they are, as more and more Polygon TTRPG/Actual Play coverage seems to be, barely paying attention to what's in front of them and just deciding based on who put it out.

As I said in my earlier posts I do think Candela distinguishes itself from BitD in a number of ways mechanically. The gilded dice mechanic is obviously one of the biggest ones. The lack of flashbacks - a pretty core element of Blades in the Dark - is another. The fact that scars change your stats rather than dealing a permanent penalty (as Trauma does in BitD) is seen as a flaw, as is the lack of lair-building, but I think these things work in tandem. Blades in the Dark is very much about growing territory and becoming a more and more powerful crime syndicate; while four traumas will take you out of the game the same way scars will, there's a lot more opportunities to heal and I believe you have much more room to take stress. Candela Obscura, as another interview I read states (ScreenRant), is a gothic/eldritch horror game about normal people in unfathomable circumstances. You don't really get much better! You adapt, but progress against these monsters is always a long shot. Candela as an organization has been operating for millennia, and the war seems to be one of attrition, and the mechanics, from what I know from the show, reflect that.

The bit about the criminal crew and the lair is honestly kind of funny to me, because in the TAZ Steeplechase wrap-up I listened to last week the McElroys noted that the lair element of BitD was actually really hard to incorporate and they largely ignored it. Obviously that's not true for everyone, but famously D&D in the earlier editions guided high level play towards running one's own dungeon, and there is a reason that hasn't survived to the newer editions, namely, that shift from being a crew out there doing wild and exciting heists and adventures to painting the walls of your clubhouse and hiring guards is not actually fun for a lot of people.

So in summary: I really don't think the author of this article paid a single scrap of attention to the motivations behind design choices, is mad the horror game doesn't give them a kiss on the cheek and tell them they're So Good at Leftism (the comment about not understanding that the restrictions on scarlet aren't tied to anti-immigrant sentiment is particularly egregious), and generally is like "why is this game that shares some similarities but ultimately rather different goals than Blades in the Dark not literally Blades in the Dark but with slightly more aggressive ghosts."

[mlb-a-rewrite]

Chloé Bourgeois Was WRONGED

so I'm trying to do her justice.

I am not a Chloe hater but I don't, like, stan her either or anything. I just think the show really messed her character up hard. Chloe was totally going to be "redeemed" or "fixed" or whatever you want to call it but then someone decided he didn't like Chloe and forced her to be a boring, one-dimensional bully.

Chloe was going to be interesting, maybe not good, but interesting, but she was robbed of the opportunity so I'm giving her a second chance.

Chloe is still a bully and a major one at that. She is the reason Marinette is shy and timid, the reason Marinette lacks confidence. Chloe is a bully to everyone and everything, constantly lashing out when she doesn't get her way. This is not good and Chloe's story in the show focuses on her struggling with changing that.

For the first season, Chloe is just a villain. There is one episode where it is vaguely implied that she is in fact a human being who feels things like sadness and guilt, but it's brief and easily forgotten. In this brief moment of humanity, we learn one crucial detail about Chloe's life: her mom is back in Paris and this isn't a good thing.

In season two we understand why her mom living in Paris is bad. Throughout the season we slowly watch as Chloe's cruelty escalates. The bullying becomes so bad that the entire class calls out Chloe and her best friend who has put up with so much of Chloe's shit for so many years finally ends their friendship. For the first time ever, Chloe is forced to face the consequences of her actions.

And this breaks her. She is completely lost and desperately trying to hold onto the life she had, but in the season finale it all finally crumbles. In the season finale (which is two episodes), we see Chloe's mom for the first time and why Chloe behaves the way she does becomes clear.

Her parents are divorced. The two were happy together for a few years after Chloe was born but when she turned 6 things got messy. They were constantly arguing with one another, getting into heated arguments anytime they were in the same room. This went on for years before they finally got divorced, but in this time Chloe had been neglected a great deal. Her parents were so wrapped up in one another that they forgot their daughter. The only times Chloe was given any kind of attention was if she got in trouble. If she acted up in class than the principal would call her parents and they would be forced to show up and pay attention to her. If she refused to listen to her ice skating coach than her parents would have to go to her practice and pick her up. If she caused problems, she got attention. Maybe it wasn't good attention, but having her parents see her and dislike her was better than not being seen at all.

This eventually translated into Chloe's personal life too. She learned from a young age if she wanted attention she would only get it if she was an absolute bitch. So she bullied her classmates, and ruthlessly judged her friends, because if she did then they would pay attention, they would have opinions, and be invested.

But during season 2 this stopped working. Her friends left her and her classmates ignored her. Chloe's only method for connecting with other people was failing and she didn't know what to do.

So she lashed out.

In the season 2 finale Chloe's mother attends a fashion show in which she collaborated with Gabriel Agreste to release a new line of clothes. Chloe and both her parents attended the show and the entire time Chloe was causing problems. She complained about nothing, made rude comments, all in hopes that her parents would pay attention to her, but that never happened.

Chloe was ignored.

And even worse, Chloe was ignored in favor of her half-sister. During the fashion show, Chloe's mom's phone was continuously ringing but was being dutifully ignored until Chloe made a particularly snide remark and her mother stood up and left. When Chloe tracked down her mother, she was standing backstage, arguing with her dad and shouting about Zoe on the phone.

After everything, after all the friends she lost relationships she destroyed before they could've even formed, after all the time and happiness she sacrificed, she still didn't get it. Chloe realized she would never get her mother's attention, would never get her mother's validation or appreciation.

This is a turning point for Chloe's character where she starts to change. She tries to be nicer, kinder. She befriends Lila and earns back her friendship with Sabrina. Chloe is finally making positive changes,

Until she starts being mean again.

At this point, it's important to note that Chloe's character drifts into the background more after season 2. The season 2 finale is kinda the big climactic end of Chloe being an imposing antagonist and Lila steps into that role. When Chloe is at her most vulnerable at the literal end of season 2, Lila appears and comforts her. Lila becomes her friend and helps her "change". Lila teaches Chloe how to be kind, how to earn back the respect of her classmates and her friendship with Sabrina. Lila quickly cements herself as someone Chloe relies on and blindly trusts.

So Lila is in the perfect spot to start pushing Chloe to be a bully again. I haven't entirely worked out the details as to why this happens, that can only be decided when I actually outline the plot later seasons of the show, but I know that it happens. Lila slowly pushes Chloe to be mean and cruel all while convincing her that she isn't.

Chloe realizes at the end of the show that she is really fucked up mentally. She takes a good, long look at herself and sees that she has a lot of problems and needs to take time to fix herself. The show ends with Chloe still being a villain, still a bad person who has said and done bad things and hasn't been able to make up for them, but she is optimistic that she will be able to change.

Chloe is a villain but she has the potential to become better.

(There's a lot more I have to say about Chloe and Zoe and Lila and how all of them connect with one another but this is long enough as it is so I'll save it for a later day.)

[chaifootsteps]

The issues with Stella are so goddamn easy to fix it's actually painful any time she comes on screen and they have to find a way to bend over backwards to make her as unlikable as possible to artificially prop Stolas up as well as avoid the classism plot that THEY WROTE INTO THE SHOW.

Just establish very clearly AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW that both of them were okay with the other sleeping around (since neither liked each other and neither wanted to get married) but have Stella get mad specifically because Stolas was caught sleeping with an imp, and that reflects badly on her. If you want her to be a villain, you don't need her to be cartoonishly evil and completely bereft of personality and likeability beyond bitch (derogatory) even as a child; she can just be classist and obsessed with status. (Also maybe don't make her stupid? Maybe don't have her creepy incest-vibes brother around at all? Give her some agency as a villain, you know? Maybe let her be funny? MAYBE LET HER TALK TO HER FUCKING DAUGHTER ON SCREEN?)

But fixing Stella would force the show to actually acknowledge the classism that they've set up and have been trying to ignore in lieu of writing fluff one shots of their favorite ships. And it sucks because she could be a really, really interesting and entertaining lens into how the upper-crusts of this setting actually behave. She SHOULD HAVE BEEN the face of that plot. If you want her to be this evil scheming funny girlboss bitch (affectionate), LET HER BE ONE. Hell, she can even be sympathetic and redeemable if you play up the fact that her behavior comes from a fear of being othered by the Goetia.

As a side note, why are arranged marriages even a thing when divorce exists and vice versa? If it's a eugenics thing for blue bloods why is marriage even a factor when they could just have the kids without it? If they're immortal outside of specific weaponry why do they need heirs in the first place? How DID Striker get all of his angelic weapons? How did Stella even meet Striker, who HATES the upper classes? Why does Striker even work for her when she's the ONE CHARACTER explicitly shown in-canon to embody the things he hates about the system at large?

I guess my point is that fixing Stella's writing would kind of cascade out into actual worldbuilding, stakes, more screen time for female characters, and more coherent better-constructed plots so Spindlehorse won't do it because they want to focus exclusively on a middling romance between two characters who have ZERO CHEMISTRY. If they wanted to focus on that, great, but why on EARTH did they set up all of this other shit? Season one set up conflict and interest and season two has done nothing but blue-ball me by dangling those plot threads in front of me and yanking it away at the last possible second. I WANT the show to be good, but it desperately needs better editing at the script level which I am CONVINCED only goes through one draft and are written several weeks apart.

ALSO THE LATEST EPISODE GAVE ME MOTION SICKNESS WHY WAS THE CAMERA MOVING SO MUCH WHEN THE CHARACTERS WERE STATIC HOW MUCH BUDGET AND TIME GOT WASTED WITH THE UNNECESSARY FUCKING SHAKY CAM?

(Sorry for dropping this huge chunk of text on you, it was supposed to just be about Stella originally but holy fuck that last episode made me nauseous and I got a bit carried away.)

No apologies needed; it was an excellent chunk of text.

Stella deserved better, and we as an audience deserved better, which isn't to say she needs to be redeemable or even likeable. But she does need to be human...to do something outside of scream and drink wine and exist. She needs to do more than just prop up the show's main ship. Give her something she thinks about, cares about, and like you said, let her talk to her fucking daughter.

Nothing about this shaky-cam show makes sense or feels fleshed out. Agreed completely that there's no way it's going through multiple drafts, and the longer these 30 car pileups of plot holes and characterization problems continue to go on, the closer the show gets to a point where no amount of revising is going to save it.

[ambrosialdesire]

HIII POOKIE A RANDOM THOUGHT JUST APPEARED IN MY BRAIN, SO HEAR ME OUT. YANDERE REINER BUT THE AOT HIGH SCHOOL VERSION. LIKE IDK WHY THAT APPEARED IN MY HEAD BUT JUST IMAGINE

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT ATTACK ON TITAN JUNIOR HIGH ANIME SPINOFF OR THE DRAWINGS THAT ISAYAMA MADE OF THEM IN HIGH SCHOOL??

i'm gonna go with the drawings that isayama made cause the junior high one is MIDDLE SCHOOLERS LMFAO ANYWAYS yandere reiner in high school is a complete menace, esp since he's on the football team AND considered the school's king (according to the drawings and bc isayama is reiner's number one fan besides me, we're sharing the spot).

ALL CHARACTERS MENTIONED ARE 18+ AND ALMOST GRADUATING SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL OKAY NOW THAT WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT, LET'S GET INTO THIS ASK

reiner's not a super senior, i fear that is unfortunately jean BUT TO OTHER SENIORS ALRIGHT LET'S ESTABLISH THAT AGAIN LOL (we do not support gr**ming of minors here no siree), but he does do the "where's my hug at 🤪" shit and he's a known fuckboy + bully. his bullying is a bunch of taunting and emotional manipulation since he doesn't want to lose his shot for nfl fame + the scholarships that are already giving him a full ride, and who's gonna believe who? the popular jock with a bright future or the weirdo nerd that doesn't talk to anyone?

that's another thing too, how come he can't stop thinking about that stupid nerdy girl that he was forced to partner with in their us government/economics class? he didn't even notice you in the class either until that project, now finding how your nose scrunches whenever you're completely focused on researching a little cute and how he found you looking up at him nervously when presenting causes his heart to flutter a little too much. because of this, reiner is now searching for you in every class, period changes, lunch periods, your route home, where your address is, which room you sleep in, etc. he rationalizes it as him wanting to know why you make him feel this way despite not even trying to get into his pants, when every girl he's messed around with jumped at the opportunity when given.

you on the other hand, found him completely off-putting and frightening even. like how is he finding you in areas you thought that were hidden from the others and why is he, the jock that everyone wants and likes, talking to you out of all people? you probably think he wants to bang and leave, but nah, he wants YOU as his wife. when he actually asks you out, you think he's doing it as a joke and a dare so you reject him and try to ignore him even further, but reiner is known to not take rejection well and straight up tells everyone that you guys are actually dating. he even shows up to your address and introduces himself to your parents as your boyfriend, and he's so charming and likeable that they actually approve of him dating you.

you don't know why he's doing this and how tf did he know where you live???? reiner just tells you that he loves you and isn't this natural for him to do to express his undying love for you as your bf, despite how much you've told him that you're not into him and you barely know the guy but you know how close you are to reporting him and getting a restraining order for the creep. that's great and all, but he just bought a ring and he's not taking another no for an answer after graduation.

[randomthefox]

Okay so Freeza's final form power level being like Three Million at base and One Hundred And Twenty Million at 100% is total bullshit and completely throws off the reasonable perception of the power scaling of the series, but IGNORING THAT SHIT and looking at the rest of the Freeza force on its own, I think it should be recognized that Vegeta was easily the 9th or 10th strongest person in the entire intergalactic Freeza Army. Which ain't nothing to sneeze at.

The average Freeza Soldier was probably in the ballpark of around 1,000, although most of them seemed to be incapable of proper ki control and needed blaster weapons since they weren't able to fire energy blasts of their own. Most of them seem capable of flight though, but fucking so was Dende. For reference Appule had a power level of 1,600.

Raditz had a power level of about 1,200 - 1,600 depending on your source. Makes him average in the scope of the rest of the army, but remember Saiyans have the Oozaru Great Ape form, which is a power level 10x multiplier. So on the night of a full moon Raditz can shoot up to 12,000 which would put him head and shoulders above 99% of the rest of the army. Sure Saibamen also had a comparable power level, but they were genetic experiments who were created in a lab whereas Raditz was all natural. The fact you can create a weapon that can cause as much damage as a single soldier with his bare hands doesn't speak ill of the soldier at all in my opinion.

Nappa had a power level of 4,000 which is a significant enough jump to explain why Raditz would be considered such a lowly shit class warrior compared to the Elite that Nappa and Vegeta represented. And again the Oozaru boost makes for a significant benefit in terms of their status. Oozaru Nappa could have squashed transformed Zarbon.

Vegeta when he was on Earth had a power level of 18,000 which definitely explains why Nappa and most of the rest of the Freeza Army is piss terrified of him. We've jumped to five digits worth of power at this point. And Vegeta isn't just strong he's also smart, he's the one who pointed out to Nappa that just relying on numbers was foolish and that power level alone did not define the Earthlings as a threat. Goku had a reading of 5,000 while he was racing to the scene and he ordered Nappa to kill the rest of the earthlings before he arrived because he knew that Goku would give them a run for their money if he displayed the same capacity for increasing his power level from what the scouter said. So Vegeta is strong AND understands the realities of battle cannot be predicted by a single power number reading.

On the other hand we very shortly thereafter meet Cui, who is stated to be around the same power level as Vegeta at 18,000. We don't know enough about Cui to know if this is typical for his species or if he was a freak of nature on his planet. But we finally meet someone who isn't scared of Vegeta because they're actually on a comparable level, at least before the near death power boost starts factoring in.

Then there's Dodoria who has a power level of 22,000 and Zarbon who has a power level of 24,000. Two individuals aside from Freeza who are EASILY stronger than Vegeta. That's a big deal, but like. It's two people. Out of an army of what could presumably be thousands to millions. Vegeta is still standing pretty good in that hierarchy, tied for 4th place.

Then we meet the Ginyu force and aside from Guldo, the other three members are around 40,000. And Vegeta reacts appropriately to finding out they're arriving on Namek, FOUR dudes who are more than twice as strong as him and Guldo who has weird freaky powers. He probably grumbled under Dodoria and Zarbon, but he was shitting his pants over the Ginyu Force and it seems reasonable why. And Captain Ginyu has a power level of 120,000 (which, like, come the fuck on that's stupid he's more than twice as powerful as everyone else in his squad like fuck off that's officially when the scaling got ridiculous) so for as high an opinion as Vegeta had of himself he was keenly aware of how outclassed AND outnumbered he was by the Ginyu's.

So in terms of ranking, Freeza was at the top, then the four Ginyu members, then Dodoria and Zarbon, THEN Vegeta and Cui. So literally Vegeta is the 8th or 9th strongest member of the entire army, which again presumably could have thousands to millions of soldiers in it. Top 10 out of an ENTIRE ARMY is pretty fucking good. Vegeta definitely would have been recognized and feared by the vast majority of the Freeza Force.

[invadernurse]

Catching Flies (Revised) Ch. 21

Chapter 21: Birth of a Destroyer

Overall rating: Teen

Summary: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. That’s what they say anyway.

Teacher!Reader makes the mistake of trying to help the two most troubled kids in your class. This leads to forming a science club, learning some childhood psychology, adopting an alien older than you, and somehow catching Professor Membrane’s interest.

Afab Non-binary Reader;

The reader does have a last name: Nemo– which means no-name.

Chapter One |Master post |Ao3

Boltzman was furious. How dare you humiliate him like that! In public! In front of Professor Membrane! You had woven your lies so tight and so through that you managed to convince the Professor that you were special somehow. 

He would make you regret this; absolutely regret this.

Boltzman made his way to the Irken household. He may have never met Zim's parents, but hopefully they cared enough for their spawn that he could rile them against miss nemo. 

What he wasn't expecting was two tall, lanky adults that looked nothing like Zim. "Welcome!" They greeted him in unison, though something about them made his skin crawl and his mind scream that something was not right. "How can we help you?"

"You're Mr and Mrs Irken?" he asked, wondering if he got the wrong address. 

"We are," they answered with the same creepy smile. "How can we help you?" 

"I… need to speak to you regarding Miss Nemo…"

"Mx." They snapped, their eyes narrowing as their smiles disappeared, sending more shivers down his spine. 

"Right… so you know… them." 

Their smiles returned as if they hadn't looked murderous five seconds before. "Of course! They have been most helpful with raising Zim."

Shit. You already managed to befriend them. Boltzmanm grinded his teeth, trying to think of how to proceed. There had to be something in your past you were hiding. Something he could uncover to show your true motives. 

You were an English teacher, for crying out loud! You couldn't be that great of a mastermind! 

"We're quite happy they returned to be a part of Zim's life,” the couple continued in perfect unison. “We're such better parents thanks to them…"

Wait. "Returned?" 

***

When Monday came around, you were still floating on cloud nine. After all, a successful friend-date with the professor, seeing his face, and then he was on your side to hide Zim from child protective services…. Things couldn't go any better. And at the moment, you refused to let your logical side remind you that when things were going great, the universe  seemed to hit you the hardest.

And while you knew that Boltzmann probably had it out for you, you didn't expect to see both him and Meyers waiting for you as soon as you entered, both looking extremely excited. Which did not bode well for you. 

"Miss Nemo," Meyers greeted. "Finally, the mystery is revealed."

"Uh, what?" You asked, deciding it was too early in the morning to deal with the two. Yet it didn't seem as if they were going to give you any other choice. 

"I wondered why you had taken such interest in those two troublemakers," Meyers stated. "At first I thought maybe it was just because you were a gold digger trying to catch Professor  Membrane's eye…"

That certainly woke you up, kindling your annoyance into fury."What?!"

Your protest was ignored as Boltzman shoved a piece of paper in your face. It looked like a print out from a website that wasn't meant to be printed, but you froze as you read the contents. You didn't think before ripping the paper from his hands to read it closer, hoping your initial thoughts were wrong. 

They weren't. 

"This… this isn't real!" You shouted, clenching the paper in your hand. "What the hell are you two smoking to make something like this up?!" 

"We haven't been making anything up!" Boltzmann argued back, that snide look still on his face. "You are the one trying to cover up the truth!" 

"I am not! This is completely ridiculous! I-I am not Zim's biological mother!" 

By now a crowd of other staff had gathered and you were aware of their whispers and gossiping. All the while Boltzmann and Meyer looked unconvinced. 

"We have documents to prove it," Meyer stated firmly. "It took some digging, but you can't hide it anymore."

"Besides, his adoptive parents have already confirmed it," Boltzmann added smugly. "I talked with them myself." 

Adoptive… your were reminded of Zim's robotic parents. And then when you had 'helped' update them….

And Zim had taken your name as his mother's while falsifying those records. 

Oh god. 

Your stomach twisted as the realization of the possibility. If his computer messed up and actually put you as his biological mother when forging his birth certificate….

Your thoughts must have played across your face, and paired with your silence took it as if you admitted you were right. 

"I'm placing you on administrative leave until I can figure out how to discipline your omission," Meyer added with glee. "After everything, I am sure that the school board will want to review your case before you're allowed to influence any other poor children." 

***

"What the hell?!" You seethed after Dib and Zim appeared as you were cleaning out your office. Your eyes burned from tears as you pointed to the laptop Professor Membrane had gifted you, showing the same papers that Boltzman and Meyer had confronted you with. "Why am I listed as your mother, Zim?! I never agreed to that!" 

Dib bit back a laugh, looking between you and Zim, who's green complexion paled considerably. "Computer!" Zim screeched after a moment, his Pak's light flaring to life. "Explain! Now!" 

"Well, it was too much work to create three whole new humans in their systems," the computer's voice sighed from the pak. "So I just used Mx. Nemo and a random male who died in the last few years. I figured that would be good enough." 

Silence reigned before both you and Zim screamed with the same panicked and angry tone. "You did what?!"

"Fix it!" Zim snarled as you tried to calm yourself. "Fix it now!" 

"How?" The computer shot back. "Obviously the humans are already aware, and do you know how bothersome that is?" 

"I don't care!" Zim stomped his foot petulantly. "I want it fixed now!" 

Yet as much as you wanted it fixed, for the whole situation to just disappear… you knew it wouldn't. Boltzmann and Meyer believed they knew the truth and trying to convince them of anything else was going to be impossible. 

Hell, they'd probably make things worse if the birth certificate suddenly disappeared. 

“The computer’s right. It’s too late now. We’re just going to have to deal with the fall out,” you sighed, rubbing your forehead. “Even if they fire me, I’m sure I can --” 

“Fire you?! They dare threaten your life with FIRE?!”

“No, Zim--!” You and Dib exclaimed, trying to stop the alien from jumping to conclusions, but it was no use. The spider-legs unfolded from his pak and he darted out of your hole-in-the-wall office and down the hall towards the principal’s office. You and Dib raced after him, through the crowds of students who were oddly enough not that surprised by the sight. 

However, when the lasers blasted the door of the principal's office open, there was significantly more panic in the halls. 

"You dare to threaten Mx. Nemo?!" Zim snarled, landing on top of Meyer’s desk, the spider legs shifting to point at the pudgy man menacingly. “I will show you the might of the Irken Empire!”

Meyers looked like he was about to melt into a puddle in his chair, but Boltzmann, who happened to be in the office as well, wasn’t as intimidated. "Mr. Irken, if you do not settle down at this moment," Boltzmann snapped from beside the principal. "I will send you to proper detention. And failing that, expulsion."

“I WILL EXPULSE YOU FROM THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE!” Zim roared back just as you and Dib reached the office. “This is unforgivable blasphemy!”

How was it he could be eloquent and yet misunderstand simple terms at the same time? You distantly wondered before wrapping your arms around the small alien and lifting him off the desk. “Zim, no.”

“Zim yes!” He snarled, twisting in your grip, reminding you oddly of a frenzied cat. “Let me destroy your enemies for you! They have bothered you enough! They need to be punished!” 

“Zim, listen to me! Listen to your Tallest!” you tried, desperate to keep a hold on him. “Leave them alone!”

The boy suddenly went still in your arms, and you realized what you said, as well as the fact you knew what that simple term actually meant. The pinnacle of the Irk hierarchy. The Absolute Authority. 

To say it shook you for a moment was understatement. 

“Do you really want to let these insects live after all they’ve done?” Zim spoke, breaking your thoughts. “After they dare to threaten you with fire?”

For one moment, you looked at the two. Meyer was still obviously terrified, and Boltzmann was sneering at you with disdain. It would be easy to let the alien invader loose on the two. Your mind burned with the stolen memories of Zim destroying whole planets and wiping out entire civilizations. Put in the right mood, Zim could likely destroy the school--the whole city-- and would think nothing of it. He’d laugh triumphantly. 

You wanted to blame those same memories for the small urge to allow it. To let Zim create chaos and burn everything in his wake. To exact revenge on your behalf. Yet you knew at least of it was the hurt you had buried deep beneath finally trying to escape now that it had an ounce of outside validation.

“I want you safe,” you admitted, and felt him tense in your arms--likely offended at the implication that he was weak or something. “They’re not worth it, Zim.” 

Zim snarled, sharp teeth exposed. "Fine, I will spare their pathetic lives, but if they ever dare to insult my Tallest again, they will suffer. You think you have seen Zim's might? YOU HAVE SEEN NOTHING!!!"

***

No one had protested when Dib and Zim had decided to skip out of school when you left. At least, none of the other teachers did; you had weakly reprimanded both of them though it was obvious that your heart wasn’t it. 

Dib had decided it would be better to give you space and had assumed Zim had listened when he advised the alien to do so, but also doubted when he noticed Zim watching you board the city bus with an odd expression on his face.

This was far out of Dib’s normal circle of paranormal, aliens, and middle school. How were they going to fix this? It sounded like Meyers already planned to fire you, and you were already resigned to that fate. What would happen then? Would you leave their lives? 

He never… he never lost somebody before. Not like this. And he didn’t want to think how Zim would react.  

He mulled over the thoughts as he put his backpack away and sat at the kitchen table out of habit, taking out his tablet to brainstorm. He had to figure something out. Nevermind the fact that he would miss you, or the fact that he had never seen his dad so involved in something that was not science. Keeping you in their lives would keep the earth safe. You had helped Zim change so much… 

Not only would Dib lose you, he worried he would lose the friendship that had been forged between him and the alien. 

"Dib? What are you doing home?” Speak of the devil, Professor Membrane emerged from his basement laboratory, brows twisted into a frown. “And why do you look like someone died?" 

Dib rubbed his face with a whine. Of course today was the day his dad had decided to work from home. “I… I think the school is going to fire Mx. Nemo."

There was a moment of silence as the two stared at each other before Professor Membrane spoke deceptively calm. "They plan on doing what?”

“Fire Mx. Nemo?” he repeated, and watched with a little bit of fear as Professor Membrane’s expression changed. He was used to seeing his dad exasperated, annoyed, and disgruntled. But not angry. "On what grounds?" Professor Membrane continued coldly. 

"Uh…" Dib scrambled. How was he going to explain this? "Well, I mean it's not actually official yet, though Mx. Nemo was placed on administrative leave…" 

The glass beaker in Professor Membrane's hand shattered, though he didn’t seem to notice. "On what grounds?" He repeated. 

For once, Dib felt a sliver of intimidation by his father. He had seen the serious side like this before, but usually towards his employees. “Well, it's complicated, but…they may think that Mx. Nemo is actually Zim's biological mother and they've been hiding the fact and also something about unfair and privileged treatment?" 

***

You had two weeks until rent was due. And after that, you had thirty days to leave your apartment if they moved to evict you right away. You might get lucky and get an extension, but you didn’t want to count on it either. 

You moved your thoughts over to your other expenses, and how to make your funds last until you got another job. After all, you knew  there was no way Meyer was going to allow you back. You weren't sure you wanted to go back at this point; you loved your students and everything. 

But putting up with Meyer and Boltzmann was starting to wear you down. Today had just been the last straw on the camel’s back. 

Sudden, sharp pounding at the door broke through your thoughts. There was barely time to stand before Zim burst through the door, snarling as he glared at you. 

Which was rich, considering he was the reason that you were in this predicament to begin with. If it was any other day, you would have faced him with calm patience. Today, your ire rose at the provocation and you had to literally bite your tongue to keep from lashing out. Especially considering that fixing the door was going to cut into your already tight budget.  "What do you want, Zim?" You asked instead, barely keeping an even tone. 

"For these foolish humans to admit who their true superiors are!" He answered as he paced. "They dare to exile you?! We should burn their puny school and make them pay for their idiocy!"

 Tallest. Supreme Authority. "I'm not superior in any way, Zim! I am no one, and I have nothing now!” You shouted at both him and the thoughts in your head, tears stinging your eyes. “I'm jobless, soon to be homeless, and an absolute failure!  I'll have to go find a job at Bloaty's or something, because no one is going to hire me as a teacher! Everything I worked for has been ripped from me. " 

There was silence from the small alien as you collapsed back on your couch, hot tears stinging in your eyes. Your dream of helping people, nurturing the next generation, of finding kids that slipped through the cracks and mentoring them… Gone. 

People had laughed at you. Had warned you that you wouldn't find it as easy as you hoped. You wanted so badly to prove them wrong, and instead proved them right. 

But who would have thought aliens would be part of the reason you failed? 

"Why are your eyes leaking?" Zim asked after a moment, sounding both disgusted and perplexed. "What are your eyes leaking? EH?! AND YOUR NOSE TOO?" 

A hysterical choked laugh escaped despite everything as you wiped your eyes. "It's called crying, Zim. It's a human thing when we're feeling sad, amongst other strong emotions. Such as when one realizes how much of a failure we are." 

"Then there is no reason for you to be doing such a disgusting thing!" He argued. "You shouldn't be sad, you should be full of the angry bees of fury! You should be screaming your rage to the galaxy!"

"Why? Because they caught me in our lie?” You shot back. “They found out you put me as your birth mother. They think--and have proof-- that I was showing blatant favoritism! Which, I guess I was, but not for the reason they think! But either way, they're going to use that against me and I don't have any way to argue. I failed. I've only been a teacher for less than a year and I already failed." 

"Lies!" Zim snarled. "Their stupidity is trying to infect you! Out of all the pathetic, disgusting humans on this horrible planet, you have been the only one to show the least bit of intelligence! I've actually learned about your pathetic species because of your efforts. You… you are my new Tallest," he continued after a pause, tone shifting slightly. "And for them to accuse you of being inferior is unacceptable. For you to think you are inadequate is unacceptable! You are Zim's Almighty Tallest! Which means you're the best!" 

You swore your heart melted at his declaration. Who would have thought one of the most troubled students would become so attached to you? 

Or that he was a true alien.

And had forged documents that you had given birth to him. 

Leading you to this moment. 

"As sweet as that is," you sighed, happy moments quickly passing. "The fact is the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I am hardly a Tallest in their eyes, and that's going to have a large impact on my future."

Zim narrowed his eyes. "It's not sweet, it is the salty cheesy taste of truth! And if those scum-worms fail to realize it, then we shall burn their empire of lies to the ground and raise a new mighty empire! The mightiest of schools! Educate these pathetic earth-worms about their insignificance! And then we shall conquer the rest of the universe!"

It was definitely the hysteria setting in as you laughed slightly, shaking your head at his antics. If only the world worked like he believed. Or that you could be so full of passion and conviction. Things would be so much better. 

Your phone suddenly rang, breaking the moment of silence. You half expected it to be the school already, announcing that you were officially fired. 

Instead, it was Professor Membrane. 

Oh stars, had Dib already told him? How was he going to react? Did he believe the forged documents? How would you even explain? 

You answered before you could lose yourself in your anxieties, though before you could greet Professor Membrane via the holo-screen, Zim appeared between you and the screen with a snarl. "Who dares interrupt the Mighty Zim!" 

"Zim, calm down," you chided exasperated as you gently nudged him to the side so you could see Professor Membrane, your stomach twisting in knots. He… did not look happy. Granted, he rarely did. The man was rather stoic thanks to his face being hidden most of the time. Yet what you could see of his expression was more severe than you were used to. "Professor?" 

"Dib has explained that you are facing dismissal from the school,” Membrane explained. “While I do my best to avoid nepotism, I want to encourage you to apply to Membrane Labs. We've opened a new department for educational outreach programs and we’re hiring people from various backgrounds." 

You gaped at him, stunned by his words. A job offer was the last thing you had been expecting. A job at Membrane Labs. A world-renowned employer and very particular on who they hired. 

"Eh? No!” Zim moved so he was looking over your shoulder, clutching at you while hissing at the screen. “You are not allowed to steal Mx. Nemo away just because those idiots think they can command them! They will be returning to school to rule with an iron fist!" 

"Zim. It doesn't work like that," you sighed before looking back at the professor. Surely you had misheard him, or somehow misunderstood him. "And… are you sure? I mean, this whole debacle just started, I haven't even been technically fired yet…" and you weren't even sure how much Dib had told him. How much did he know?

The professor simply nodded. “Yes. You were the reason that we created the new department, and it seems fitting for you to be a part of it. I wasn’t going to ask previously because I knew you valued your teaching profession, but the revelation of your situation has changed my mind.”

[thedawningofthehour]

I’ve finally finished the chapter!!! :) now I can ask about it.

I don’t know about you but I despise sandels. I would wack him upside the head too. They’re uncomfortable and make weird noises on the floor. They’re just really weird to me I guess. So I appreciate Hueso.

I don’t know if she’s been talked about before in the fic but I assume the girl is Kendra. She always seemed to have a lollipop of some sort on her. I miss watching her and Donnies fights in the show. They were always really funny.

I speak from experience when I say that this ^ is one of the most accurate descriptions I have ever read. When something traumatic happens people brains have a really cool function of forget, ignore/deactualize (is that a word?) or break down. From personal experience I understand the “I know this is really bad but it’s bad to the point of my brain giving up comprehending it and it simply doesn’t compute as anything worth my attention.” I don’t remember from my psych class last year what the name of it is, but I know theres a psychological name for it.

If this is going where I hope it’s going, i’m really excited! Gale isn’t the type of person to see something like that and leave it be. So i’m excited to see what he does with the info.

This made me want to cry. Thats all.

Love your work! Have a great day/evening/night. Can’t wait for the next update :)

Oh yeah, they are loud. I wasn't even really thinking about it from that direction, but Leo would absolutely be the dumb bitch who wore flipflops to a stealth mission.

Soup made a comment about him wearing socks with sandals and like-to confirm, Leo has the fashion sense of a dead shrimp and would totally wear socks with sandals. Both because he's just that bad at being gay and also to annoy Donnie. But in this particular instance Hueso wanted to make sure he was wearing good walking shoes so his feet wouldn't be sore at the end of the day. (and he's not going barefoot because wtf they're probably immune to HIV but don't go tempting fate here)

I actually very much prefer sandals. I went to college way up north and I would take my trash out in flipflops when it was like -30 out. (I was also very stupid, so don't do this)(not that you can, it doesn't get that cold anymore)

Anita's a Yokai, so no her granddaughter is not Kendra. The Purple Dragons will have another cameo (maybe get a mention in the recovery arc, we'll see) but since everything else has ballooned we just haven't gotten to them.

Which is honestly really funny to me, because Kendra clearly considers herself very important and probably makes the 'Othello Von Ryan's ARCH ENEMY' thing a point of pride. Meanwhile Donnie straight-up doesn't remember her and his brothers are like

A lot of what Leo does is disassociate and compartmentalize, so he's very, very good at going "I know this is objectively horrific, but it also looks kind of sick. I kinda want to poke it with a stick."

Which is a very real and valid trauma response! Not everyone responds to shit the same way. For some people, turning off the 'holy shit' part of their brain or making light of it, that's literally their way of trying to process the thing. And it has its uses. It probably served Leo very well during the Krang war, when things went to shit and he was able to stay rational while everyone around him was panicking.

The problem being, of course, that Leo never unpacks that compartment and just lets it fester. So it just gets worse and worse until something finally rips it all free.

I think this was the first real Cass-Gale fight? Besides little arguments and teasings. I mean, they're siblings, and they're under a ton of stress right now. They're both ready to crack.

I considered having Cass storm off and ending it there, but I didn't really like that. Gale knows that he isn't really mad at Cass, and Cass knows that Gale was lashing out. They're both socially stupid but they know each other. At the end of the day, they'll always have each other's back.

[flvrism]

For A 2nd Time...

‘Who knows!!’ Sakura said, ‘perhaps you’re just falling for a second time.’  But does it count as falling when you didn't ever really stop feeling something for her?

Warnings: Cussing, mentions of death, mentions of the word 'ghost', bad attempt of angst.

Genre: exes 2 lovers

Featuring: Aespa Ningning, Giselle, Le sserafim Sakura, Yunjin, Enhypen Sunoo, Jay,

Author's Note: Just a small disclaimer this is NOT a smau it's a small thing I got inspired when I was listening to reflections by the neighbourhood and decided to write it on impulse. Pls give feedback since its been so long since i last wrote something and english isn't my first language.

'The universe works in so many wonderful ways, always in our favour and never against us. It knows our deepest desires whether we are aware of them or not. But it sometimes has to show you things like a slap on the face if you don't see the subtle signs or just blatantly ignore them.' You finish typing on your computer as you work on your creative writing's essay.

Your friend, Sakura is making you company and taking a break from her responsibilities, and you see you aren't ignoring her on purpose, but you suddenly got inspiration for your essay, which you won't let go to waste. After a while you feel bad for not listening to her and decide to take a break to focus on the conversation.

The topics vary from whether she believes in ghosts, which she apparently does not and tells you to get good night sleep if you believe in all that because it's part of people's imagination and need for attention to seem interesting to somehow exes. Which is a topic you aren't very fond of considering how you went through a breakup recently.

‘Who knows!!’ Sakura said, ‘perhaps you’re just falling for a second time.’  

It's been exactly 2 weeks since that conversation.  

It is safe to say you weren’t getting any sleep tonight again, unsurprisingly... That conversation with Sakura still replaying on your mind. Perhaps that was the universe giving you a clearer sign and telling you to get your shit together.

Could you even consider it ‘falling’ when the feelings truly never went away? Call It ‘falling’ for a second time when you still feel the rush of emotions just as the first time you met her? Seeking for answers to an already answered question was a waste of time yet here you are asking yourself the same question every night hoping to somehow wake up to a different answer refusing to accept the one you already knew.

But to hear this from someone else just felt too much, it was as if someone else was voicing out your unconscious thoughts for you.

And you hated it.

Without looking at your phone you could already tell by the countless of other nights that you’ve stayed up that it was no less than 4 in the morning.

Great just great, another sleepless night with a very busy day ahead. This should not be affecting you as much.

but it is.

Staring at the ceiling you ask to whatever is out there to spare you from this misery and just as you’re about to fall asleep your alarm starts ringing.

This is probably karma from breaking up with her you think while sighing loudly, ‘come on, Yn!! Pull yourself together’ you whisper. No matter how tired you are you still have responsibilities so you get out of bed to attempt to make it look like you're not on the verge of breaking down.

Making your way into the stuco office you’re greeted by Sakura, Yunjin, Sunoo, and Jay. Giselle nowhere to be seen which you assumed was her being late, but she’s had a busy week with the preparations for the welcome committee of new students. Taking a sit you make a mental note to ask her if she needs anything imagining how tiring these past weeks have been for her.

There's no reason for all of you to be up as early as 6:40 in the morning and in school already but mere habit.

'So, today is the big day', you say with a sigh.

'I can't believe our classes are the ones helping out the new students that are just starting and we’re almost leaving.’ Sakura says before being interrupted by Yunjin with a fake cry and the most dramatic ‘I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE I’M NOT READY TO BE A HAG’, following right after which makes the whole room laugh.

Sakura clears her throat giving Yunjin a stern look pretending to be annoyed, but the smile on her face says otherwise and the attention is back to her as the laughter subsides, ‘as I was saying...' She pauses, hesitating to continue her words and you instantly catch onto this being the observant person you are by nature and it's making you feel anything but calm to hear what she has to say.

'I was thinking. No, we were thinking. What if you somehow end up being paired with NingNing.'

As soon as you heard that you immediately froze. It was way too early in the morning to be dealing with this shit you thought.

Seeing that you looked like you saw hell itself and came back up to earth they spoke up, ‘look it wouldn’t be such a bad idea yn... you could maybe fix everything with her, and we don’t say you necessarily have to get together, but being friends or even being able to simply say hi would be a good start for the both of you’, says Jay.

And you know he is right. You hate that he knows you so well, but you’re not ready for this, it feels like it’s too sudden for you to think that it's a good idea to fix your relationship and start over.

Ningning is someone you have known for as long as you can remember, she has been there for every important milestone in your life and suddenly not having her around has not been easy.

Everyone around you can tell you two aren't the same, and not in the sense that your personalities changed but in how it's always been Ningning and Yn, Yn and Ningning, the inseparable duo.

Snapping out from your thoughts as the always reasonable Yn you say no. 'We broke up, I broke up with her.' You correct yourself. 'I don’t want to do it and I don’t care if I don’t ever fix my relationship with her.'

'I'm not interested so our home room teacher can pair her with someone else.’ Lie after lie is all that comes out of your mouth, and it hurts, but you can’t do it. You're too scared of how she will react, especially since it’s been 5 long months of no contact between you two after that breakup.

Glancing at your phone you notice how it's already 07:15 and as you stand up you say, ‘i’ll be taking my leave, it's almost time for all of us to head out anyway .’ And you can see they all have an apologetic look which you can guess that is caused for bringing that topic up, and you know they’re doing it with good intentions, after all they're your friends and want the best for you, but you’re not ready.  

"Aw come on, all of you are making me feel bad with that kicked puppy look you have on your faces," you say while laughing. "I'll see all of you later, and good luck with the students assigned to you. Hopefully they're not a pain in the ass."

Making your way to your class with a small smile on your face you think back on what they said. What if you actually got paired with her, 'I think I'd rather jump off the window,' you mutter under your breath.

Stop thinking about it, it won't happen. Just think positively or well try.

Being the president automatically makes her the bearer of the good and bad news and just to your luck Sakura brought you bad news.

She sat down next to you which you didn't think much of it because she did it occasionally. As you waited for your name to be called, she started speaking, 'Yn, please don't think I had something to do with this. I actually came to tell you as soon as I found out, but I don't want you to think it was me or anyone that was in the student council room this morning.' A feeling of uneasiness taking over you and you knew she was also nervous since she always rambles whenever she is anxious.

'You were paired with Ni-'

'Yn and Ningning.'

Your teacher interrupts, and now you understand why she was on the verge of shitting herself, because now you are too.

You hate your friends.

You were convinced they somehow manifested this. If only they hadn't spoken up perhaps you wouldn't be in this situation.

"Oh, it seems that there are more students than originally anticipated. Sunghoon, go ahead and join Yn and Ningning." Your teacher says and, in that moment, you wanted death.

It felt like a punch to your gut. You have nothing against Sunghoon, if anything you did find him cute, but ever since you broke up with Ningning you have heard different rumours from them having something to them being together already and that did not help to lighten your mood at all.

Most popular rumour was the 'love traingle' one that is that you had broken up with Ningning because you found out she had something with Sunghoon and much to your dismay it was one of the most popular theories amongst the school. Which was absurd, and you hated how they made her look like a cheater and involving the poor guy when he didn't even know Ningning at the time.

When they were announcing the pairs to help out never in a million years did you expect to hear Sunghoon and Ningning’s names next to yours, it caused a few different reactions, but it mostly had people giggling with their friends. Of course, they're going to find this as free entertainment when the three of you were in a 'complicated love traingle' as they like to put it.

Ok perhaps you weren’t so unlucky after all because it seemed as if the universe took pity on you and Sunoo ended up being called out to be part of your group. Finally, something good from this day that you already were thrilled to end.

Sunoo did not waste a second and rushed to switch places with Sakura that was making her way to her partner. "Before you say anything I had no idea this whole Ningning and Sunghoon plus you thing would happen." He says, and just like Sakura you can hear how genuine he sounds.

"I wouldn’t do that knowing how much it bothers you." To that you gave him a quizzical look with a face that could only be described as what the hell are you talking about now.

Sunoo simply scoffed, "Yn, we both know I know you better than you know yourself. I know, you know about those stupid rumours and how you don’t like them but since your head is too deep into your ass to realise or well admit out loud that you still care about Ningning I’ll keep quiet." To that you didn’t say anything because he was right; it would be pointless to try and change the truth of something you both knew.

Your anxiety levels were spiking up and it was pretty evident by the way you were fidgeting with your fingers. Taking notice of this your friend grabs your hand, "Yn, breathe it will be alright. If it gets too much, I'll think of something to get you excused from school." Giving a light squeeze to his hand you thank him because honestly without Sunoo you would be pretty much screwed right now.

Too busy freaking out you didn't notice how now Sunghoon and Ningning were approaching the both of you. To make their presence known Sunghoon clears his throat snapping you out of your inner monologue.

"Um... Hi?" he says which sounded more like a question. You couldn't help it an silently laughed to yourself from the clear awkwardness lased on his tone. He and Ningning sat down facing you two.

Now, you honestly did not even expect her to say hi or even look your way because of how you broke up with her.

You wouldn't expect any ounce of kindness coming from her and it's not like you deserved it, but you caught her looking at you and when you two made eye contact you wanted to run out of the building. Her eyes didn't greet you with the anger you thought you would find that hatred that you knew you deserved, to your surprise they still held that warmth and comfort you always knew.

With a small smile on her face, she muttered a small hi, clearly meant for you. But of course, the ever so eloquent and smart vice president that you are, you froze.

To anyone's perspective it would look as if you were ignoring her, if anything she probably thought you were as well because you saw how her smile faded and she looked at Sunghoon since he was talking with Sunoo to see how they would divide everything since your group had the most number of students assigned.

Deep in thought you didn't bother to pay attention to the discussion, occasionally giving a small nod where you thought was needed to pretend you were actively listening to the conversation.

You start coming back from wherever your head takes you after hearing Sunghoon and Ningning standing up, making their way out probably to meet the students.

As soon as they leave you slam your face against your desk. "I am going to kill myself; she probably hates me for sure now. I didn't mean to ignore her I just got surprised," you say. "Trust me I can tell better than anyone else since your nails were digging at the palms of my hand when she simply said hi to you." Sunoo says while massaging his hand.

'Well, let's go! The sooner we end this the better' you whisper out the last part loud enough for Sunoo to hear, but not loud enough for your teacher to hear as you both stand up making your way to go meet the students you were assigned to guide for the day at the auditorium.

You were sure your bed was a mess from all the tossing and turning. Recalling what happened during the day you felt stupid for not being able to reply to her earlier. "How the hell am I expected to survive the rest of the school year if I can't even say something as simple as hi," you groan into your pillow. Remembering everything especially her defeated expression replaying on your mind made you want to dig up a hole and never come back out.

Just in time your phone started ringing pulling you out of your misery temporarily. "Oh wow you look like shit" is the first thing you hear Yunjin say. "Wow I totally did not notice Jen," you say sarcastically looking at the call with the straightest face you could muster which didn't last long before you and said girl started giggling.

"I'm serious though, you look rough. I heard it didn't go well with Ning..." she hesitantly said testing the waters to see if the topic was up for discussion or not and honestly it's not that you didn't want to talk about it but it was more like you were embarrassed to admit out loud to your friends that you simply panicked and couldn't say hi to your ex girlfriend AND best friend.

"Yeah it went bad in a way?", you say which sounded more like a question. To this Yunjin raised her eyebrow quizzically and without her having to ask you continued, "I fucked up by not replying back to her." You pause taking a shaky breath to stop yourself from crying ,"She didn't look like she hated me Jen and I panicked which is why I didn't reply and she looked so upset after that which just made me want to scream cry and die."

"You know I don't think she ever hated you, I think she was hurt by you cutting her off completely out of your life with no explanation especially with how close the two of you were" said Yunjin, to which you sighed knowing she was fully right.

"I don't know... well I mean I do know it's just complicated? Or maybe it's all in my head, I just feel so bad, but it's not like I can apologise for not saying hi to her when I havent even apologised for the other things."

After what seem like ages you two ended the call to get some work done hoping it worked as a distraction and without even realising it you fell asleep on your half way done physics homework with Ningning being the last thing on your mind.

Making your way to school you decided to grab a cup of your favourite drink in hopes to help you get through the busy morning ahead and apparently you weren't the only one with that in mind since Jay was there as well. "Good morning, Yn" he says before being cut off by a yawn. You giggle at your friends obvious lack of energy in the mornings which is something you can relate a little too well. "My favourite morning person, hi" you say laughing at the way he looked at you as if you've gone mad. "Very funny", he says throwing you a playful glare. You loved Jay, after all he was one of your closest friends that genuinely took time to understand you and give you heartfelt advice whenever you needed it.

Once you ordered everything and got the drinks you two continued making your way to school. Feeling the slight tension you can already imagine what it is about so you tell him to ask." I know you're wanting to ask about Ningning since you probably heard how bad it went", you say looking back at him with his you caught me smile. "I mean yeah I did hear you didn't really reply back to her, but I'm assuming it was because you probably got nervous since it's been quite some time since you two last had a conversation."

You nodded because well he was right, "I got nervous yes, and when I saw the upset look on her face I felt the urge to stand up and slam myself against the wall. I hate to admit this but honestly who doesn't know at this point I love her and I just... I'm not sure." You paused but just as if he was reading your thoughts he says, "you just want to fix it don't you? I told you already you should talk to her whenever you feel ready, it will do both of you good." You just sigh because he was right and you were scared of talking to her. "I know you're scared but it's Ningning you two were the inseparable best friends plus I'm sure she'll listen. Just talk to her when you're ready." And with that you bid him goodbye since you had already reached the school making your way into your respective classes.

Now you're not one to shy away from a challenge, but this is completely different. It's funny how everyone says it should be easy because the two of you were close, but that's what makes it harder. All these thoughts were like a plague slowly eating your brain alive, you so badly wanted to stand up and go to her to talk it out but frankly it felt impossible to do it and you were starting to annoy yourself because of it.

Honestly everything was aligning itself for you to make your move, from getting paired with Ningning that one time along with sunoo and sunghoon to randomly seeing her more on the hallways, to your teachers making you go to her classes more often to help students who didn't understand the subject well hoping that coming from another student it'd be easier to understand. And each time you were near her you could feel a lingering gaze that you knew well it was from no other than her which honestly made you hopeful oddly enough and a little giddy. Maybe you were just relying on your delusions to be positive to get enough courage to confront her once and for all. "Universe, stars, gods, whatever is out there just help me out this once I beg, I need to talk to her before it's too late", you sigh clearly frustrated at this point you just needed a big push to do it in one go, it's been weeks since you 'ignored her' and time wasn't getting any slower you were soon close to graduation preparations and if you didn't talk to her now it would be hard to do it once you didn't see her in school.

Pulling your phone out of your bag you text your friends, 'we need to meet after school it's friday give me a break from this shit hole', to which they all agreed sending similar messages to how school was driving them mad making you giggle seeing how you're not alone in that.

"Okay we need to address the elephant in the room", Giselle says, "Yn she's talking about you I fear" Yunjin says which makes you laugh sarcastically. "No shit Jen I totally didn't know." you say after leaning back on the couch. All of you decided to go to Jay's place since it was closest to school and ordered food from different places because all of you can never come into terms with just one place. "Okay seriously Yn, no sarcastic remarks to cope with the awkwardness let's talk. You look like you haven't been sleeping and that you're in constant stress and we all can guess why." Compared to how it usually goes in your hang outs the room was awfully quiet and all the attention was on you and to be honest you hated it at the moment. "We don't want to add to the burden but we just can't help but notice there's a clear difference of the current Yn and how you were before, especially when we all can tell school and Ningning have your stress levels elevating through the roof", Sakura continues as you listen in silence knowing you can't disagree. "If you want to talk to Ningning and you don't know how to tell her we can help you out, you don't need to do everything on your own Yn. Asking for help won't hurt you", says Sunoo as you nod in agreement. Having known you the longest Jay knows how overwhelmed these type of confrontational moments make you feel so he grabs your hand to reassure you that everything is going to be alright. "Well this is not how I planned my relaxing friday to go, but yeah I guess all of you are right even I can't stand it anymore. I really need help with talking to her before it's too late."

And just as quick as it came it ended. Weekends are so short especially when you don't want to face your fears, but it seemed like your physics teacher had other plans because he called for a group project which in reality it was just pairs the random picker would choose so everyone had more time to know more people other than their friends or something along those lines that teachers always say.

It didn't really register at first when you heard Yn and Ningning, but as soon as it did you went cold. Let's not freak out and give her the completely wrong idea again Yn you thought. Preparing yourself physically and mentally for what's about to come for the rest of the class was not how you expected it to go because right now you felt like you were quite literally about to pass out. As soon as the bell rang you took one deep breath ready to walk up to her when you see her rushing almost out the door, but not without leaving you speechless with the next sentence that came out of her mouth, "Text me to discuss the project I know you still have my number."

Your heart felt like it was about to explode at any second, maybe you were being overdramatic but who really cares, this was it, your chance to talk to her and hopefully apologise and make it up to her was being shoved right into your face. Pulling out your phone you text her a simple 'Hi' not knowing where the sudden flow of confidence was coming from you sent another text, 'Where do you want to meet to work on our project?' Not even one minute later you received her reply

'Your place or mine you decide then lmk.'

Being honest you didn't know what to wear to go to her house, suddenly everything in your closet didn't feel enough. How were you supposed to be dressed when it was just a school project, you didn't want to go overdressed but being in a too simple outfit didn't feel right with you either and quite honestly you wanted to put in some effort for her to see. After digging for what felt like ages you found something that fell into the casual but stylish category deeming it good enough to not weird her out if you showed up looking overdressed. As you were getting ready you couldnt help but laugh at the way you're acting, if anyone saw you they'd think you were getting ready for a date with how excited you looked and it all reminded you of how it felt when you started crushing on her to the first dates before dating.

Needing that extra boost of confidence and support you decided to call no other than Jay and not one second into the call you immediately ask "how do I look? do you think its good enough to work on a project with my ex? should I even care that it's my ex? ofc i should I love her. I'm overthinking this right" all in one breath. You two pause for a moment and immediately start laughing, "to answer your questions you look good and it's lies between casual but effortless looking well put outfit if that makes any sense, but you need to take a deep breath." You couldn't help it your adrenaline was kicking in with full force preparing your fight of flight instinct and in this moment you wanted to choose flight. "I'm just nervous and excited about this it's been so long and you better than anyone know how much I miss her," he sighs shaking his head playfully going on a tangent of how he told you and you didn't wanted to listen and seeing how it was almost time to go you two finally hung up, not before wishing you luck of course.

Making your way to her house felt all too familiar, the countless of evenings you two would walk side by side bumping into each other giggling, the hushed conversations, and the day you two had your first kiss before confessing all the feelings you were hiding. All of these memories putting a smile on your face as you looked back at them and without realising you were already standing at her front door.

Taking a deep breath you knock softly on the door wondering if her parents were home, if they were what were they going to say after seeing you for so long? How would they react? You wonder if Ningning even told them that you two stopped being friends, they sure must've noticed your sudden disappearance, but before you could get way deeper into your thoughts Ningning is at the door opening it so you can come in. As of reflex she was going to greet you with a hug, but she quickly managed to stop herself and continued to open the door wide enough so you could come inside.

Everything felt so awkward. Being in her room not even looking at each other as you were sitting down not even bothering to look up from your laptops was painful silent. If you wanted to see results you need to make the first move you thought as you took a deep breath, "so... what are we going to work on? Do you have any ideas?" You ask her as calmly as possible, still not looking up from your screen. You can hear a sigh and feel her gaze lingering on you, "I got a couple of ideas written down already I can share the docs with you so that it's easier." When you received the document and went through it one of the ideas caught your attention and you think it can land you a good grade if you know how to execute it properly. After agreeing on what the topic would be and arranging and assigning parts the room falls silent again.

Trying to make small talk to relieve the tension you decided to ask something you were curious about. "To be honest when I came here I thought one of you parents would be home," and as you say this you can hear her stop typing on her laptop. "They went out for today visiting some extended family member, I was supposed to go with them too but I had to stay here to work on the project." She then looked down and got to typing again and you took it as a sign that conversation was over, honestly you were grateful you got much from her and proud of yourself for carrying out conversation. With a deep breath she speaks up again, "you know if my parents were here they'd be happy to see you," causing you to smile involuntarily, "they've missed you," and with a shaky breath you faintly hear her say, "I've missed you." Immediately stopping anything you were doing you look at her, " what did you just say," you ask in pure disbelief thinking you were imagining things. "I've missed you and now we can't even have one single conversation without feeling like I'm going to suffocate with all of the tension," she said finally snapping unable to handle it any longer.

"You know what? Honestly fuck it, I'm tired," she said crying. "I'm tired of how you ignore me, how you shut me off completely without any reason or explanation that if we're being honest I deserve, I tried to give you space thinking you'd come to me giving me closure but all I got was silence on your end. You're so selfish but even then I still can't bring myself to hate you and that's the worst part. You reassured me that nothing was going to affect our friendship and I have been regretting listening to you ever since that day because look at us now, we can't even look at each other in the eye. I'm really tired Yn and I don't think I can handle this anymore."

To say she left you speechless was an understatement, but seeing how hard she was crying by the end of her rant made you realise that sometimes actions are better than words, so you went to her and for the first time in so long you finally hugged her

You couldn't resist it anymore and you let your body act on its own because just for a moment you wouldn't let your brain think and you hugged her as she kept crying and without realising you were crying as well.

"We were inseparable before dating and used to tell each other everything. If you realised dating was a mistake you could've told me and I would've been fine just by being friends." It pained you to know she went through all of that because of your stupid insecurities, but seeing how she wasn't done you let her continue.

"I feel you're so close to me yet so far away and unreachable because of the sudden distance you put between us and I can't do anything about it because you run away just by hearing my name. We were inseparable before dating and used to tell each other everything. You were my best friend and a big part in my life that suddenly left and I didn't know what to do."

You tried to pull away slightly to face her, but she was clinging to you as if she was silently begging you to stay.

"Ning, I'm sorry." Is the first thing you say because it was the right thing to do after everything you put her through. "You never deserved this happening to you, I made a promise and soon after broke it letting my insecurities get the best of me."

Caressing her hair in attempts to soothe her down you continued, "You were never a mistake if anything you are probably the best decision I have taken in my life and I don't regret a single moment I spent with you. The only regrets I have were ever leaving you."

After hearing those words Ningning pulled away slightly to look up at you, her face carrying so many different emotions. For the first time in a while you were finally able to look at her face to face and it started to hit you on how much you missed being in her presence.

"You have no idea on how much I've missed you," you say drying her tears. "I am still in love with you just the same as the first time I realised you weren't just my best friend. I'm so sorry for leaving you with no explanations or closure and I won't even think of making excuses because there's no valid one."

Before you could even continue speaking you felt her cupping your face and without realising you two were kissing and every unspoken word hat hadn't been said was poured into it and you couldn't help but smile while kissing her with the same amount of eagerness that she did.

After what felt like ages you two pulled away and looked at each other just for Ningning to start laughing the shyness she felt away hugging you once again to hide how red her face was becoming. And you loved her laugh and missed it so much.

In that moment it felt everything was falling into place and that balance your life needed was finally right besides you.

BONUS :

You two decided to keep the dates and each other a secret until it felt right to tell everyone you were together again. Everything was going smoothly as if none of this ever happened. You wanted to take all of that private time to fix your relationship and the communication issues. You soon learned that Sunghoon was indeed a really close person to her, but that none of the rumours were true if anything he was what Jay was to you and you were glad that amidst all these chaos she had someone to rely on.

Your friends knew both of you talked to each other 'casually' which was a big lie, but nobody needed to know that. So it wasn't a surprise to see both of you walking side by side occasionally.

"Do you want to tell them now? or when?" Ningning asked unsure about it and you could tell she was still feeling insecure, but no matter how many times she felt like that you'd be there to reassure her about your relationship.

Spotting your friends from afar you give her a quick kiss and grab her hand, "let's tell them now, enough time has passed and it's not like they don't suspect it." She laughed while saying they probably were making bets which was highly likely knowing all of them.

When they finally notice both of you without needing to speak Giselle screams "oh my god they're so back pay up." Causing everyone to laugh especially you and Ningning because you both truly knew them that well.

"It was about time that you got back together let me tell you Ning, this girl was losing her shit without you crying herself to sleep every night," said Sakura to which you replied with a barely audible shut up hiding your face while back hugging Ningning.

All of them were teasing the both of you until the bell rang for class and Yunjin said "Good luck on the project losers hopefully you werent too busy shoving each other's tongue down each other's throats."

And at that moment both of you looked at each other while simultaneously saying

"Oh my god the project?!"

It was safe to say both girls did in fact forget the project.

[softprettything]

late bloomer, ch 11

AO3 | Previous | Next

Fandom: OHSHC

Pairing: Kyoya/Reader

Tags: 18+, A/B/O Dynamics, College AU, Fake Dating, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slice of Life, Eventual Smut

Taglist: @silverhetdanes @lampalooza

late bloomer, ch 11

“Olivia!” Reese goes over to her with a hug. “Perfect timing.” 

“Now that?” Lou whispers. “That I will definitely not miss.”

"Does she—" You look from her to Olivia, back and forth. "I mean, do they come here a lot?"

"Oh, yeah. Look I'm all for uniting forces or whatever. And most of the Triple O folks are super sweet—"

"Plus, they can organize the shit out of a fundraiser," Regan adds.

"—True. But I went to high school with Livvy Freidmonte, and unless she's changed since then…" Lou shakes her head. "I know a first-class bitch when I see one. I wouldn't trust that girl as far as I could throw her."

"Really?" you ask. "What exactly—"

"Alright, everybody!" Reese claps their hands together, and the room settles down. "Let's get started. Re-started. For the new folks, this is Olivia Freidmonte; she's one of our siblings over at Triple O, and our head coordinator for collabs! Olivia?"

"Hey there!" Olivia is all smiles and pep as she waves at the crowd. "So stoked to be here. Now, as most of you probably know, the Winter Wonderland end-of-term music festival last semester was a huge success. Between ticket sales, merch profits, and voluntary donations, we raised twenty thousand over the span of two days, all of which went directly to fund arts education programs at high schools in the surrounding areas."

A round of applause, which you find yourself joining in on. Whatever your personal feelings on Olivia may be, twenty thousand dollars in two days? You can't help but respect it.

"Looking into the future…the good news is, we're less than two weeks out from our spring fundraiser! Bad news: thanks to a little fire snafu, Grand's is closed for repairs all month. So we're on crunch time to find another venue. It's a smaller event, very lowkey; ideally we want to find somewhere closer to campus, with a kitchen or at least a fridge we can use to store food, mix drinks, stuff like that." She scribbles a phone number on the board. "Just shoot me a text if you know of a place. This is a great opportunity to…"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Regan whispers. "She seems super nice."

"You just think that because you're super nice, Ri," Lou whispers back.

"I'm just saying! High school was a long time ago."

"Yeah. I don't know. (Y/N), you're in the same year as her, right? You must have crossed paths. What do you think?"

As you open your mouth to say something, Olivia's gaze falls on you. You freeze. It feels as though time slows to a halt: she pauses in her presentation for a moment. Her smile falters. Her eyes narrow slightly.

Then, as though nothing happened, the smile is back on her face, and she continues on, just as peppy as before. You let out a breath, before remembering that Lou and Regan are still both looking at you, waiting for an answer. You give them a tiny smile. "No comment."

*************

As the evening winds down, you have to admit: you had a pretty good time. Olivia ignores you, to the point that you begin to wonder if you imagined her noticing you during her presentation entirely. You trade numbers with Lou and Regan, offering to answer any questions they might have about surviving senior year, and promising them you'll consider coming to the next Cozy Quorum. Overall, as you exit into the cool early-spring air, you're feeling pretty good.

"(Y/N)!"

"Hey!" You turn to Reese with a smile. "Thanks for inviting me. This was actually really cool."

"Not so bad, right?" You nod. "Now, listen, I swear I didn't have any ulterior motives when I ran into you this morning, but…"

You try to pay attention. Really, you do, but your head is too scrambled. If Haruhi isn't home (it's a Sunday, so probably she is) (on the other hand, she doesn't have any classes on Mondays…) (does Tamaki?) then you only have to worry about dinner for yourself, which means eggs. Or, no, you were supposed to pick up eggs today. Chips and dip, then. And then the paper proposal. Technically you have until the end of class, but you really should email it by morning—were you assigned an early morning shift at the cafe tomorrow? No, an afternoon one.

Your phone buzzes, and you can't help but glance down and see it's from an unfamiliar number, and you're suddenly too distracted to—

"—think?"

"Hm?" Reese is looking at you. Shit. Your cheeks heat up immediately, mortified as you are to be caught so blatantly zoning out. They don't seem to have noticed, though, so you take a crapshoot and give them your most enthused nod. "Right! I mean, yes, absolutely."

"You are a lifesaver." Reese claps. "This is perfect. Let me just put you in touch with—there she is."

Before you can stop them to ask whose life you're saving, and how, and what exactly you just agreed to, they tap someone on the shoulder. That person whirls around and—oh, wouldn't you know, it's—

"Olivia, this is (Y/N). (Y/N), Olivia. You're both first-year grad students, I think?"

"We've met," the two of you say simultaneously. She sticks a hand out, which you accept. "(Y/N) and I have a class together, actually. Some gender-studies thing."

"The Radical Dynamics of Jane Austen," you supply. This handshake is going on for way longer than is comfortable.

Reese nods, possibly sensing the tension, but eventually deciding to bowl through it anyway. "So. (Y/N) works at that incredible coffee shop on the corner of Oak and Whitley, and apparently it's free two Fridays from now, which means…"

Olivia's look of disdain explodes into an overenthusiastic smile. "Oh, my gosh! Seriously?"

Before you can say anything, Reese nods. "I'll leave you two to work out the details—but, (Y/N), seriously? Thank you. I owe you one." With a wink—to you? To Olivia? Who knows!—they're gone.

"Well." Olivia looks you up and down. Between the necklace and the blowout and the perfectly coordinated pink outfit, it’s like looking at Evil Elle Woods. “You’re just popping up everywhere, aren’t you?”

You meet her fake smile with one of your own. “Could say the same about you.”

“Oh, the Trips all love EpPhi. We throw mixers all the time. It was so awesome to have you join us last night!” The smile she gives you practically shows each and every one of her perfectly square, perfectly white teeth, making you feel even more like a mouse being toyed with by a cat. "I didn't realize Reese was finally able to get that due waiver program rolled out."

"Hm?"

"Oh, you know. Greek life can be so…you know. Old money. Reese is super dedicated to trying to diversify—" (somehow, she manages to make that sound like a bad thing) "—and I guess it's working."

"Oh, no. I'm not joining. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with joining." Why are you trying to explain yourself? If Olivia's decided to dislike you, nothing you say is going to win her over. "I just came to check it out. It was cool, though—your presentation was great."

She scrunches her nose at you. "Thanks. Well. Even if you're not pledging, that just makes it even nicer of you to get so involved."

"Oh, no, I'm not—"

"No modesty, please. You're a total lifesaver. Anytime we have insider contact for a venue, it's always, like, an executive whatever, and half the time they don't have any idea what actually goes into putting together an event like this. It'll be so helpful to have the perspective of, you know. A lower-level employee."

You are so, so tempted to just say it was all a big mistake.

But the cafe calendar is empty two Fridays from now. And Reese, who has been nothing but nice to you since you met, seems kind of desperate for you to say yes.

Not to mention, all special events at Ground Up get logged as overtime hours—meaning, double pay.

Double pay plus tips.

So, with no small amount of reluctance, you nod. "Mm-hm. Right." This fake smile is beginning to hurt your cheeks. You clear your throat. "So! We should, um, set up a time to talk through specifics, right? I have a shift at the cafe tomorrow afternoon after class, if that's a good time. That way you can get an idea of what the space looks like?"

"Perf." The gap between her words and the way she looks at you while saying them is starting to make your head hurt. She passes you a card. "Here's my number."

"Great." She's already halfway down the street, clearly just as eager to get away from you as you are from her. "See you in class!" you call after her. Your phone buzzes again—a two-minute reminder of the text from earlier. You swipe it open.

unknown: Shockingly, I did not get 'sexiled' tonight.

unknown: Hopefully this doesn’t mean you’re sleeping on the front porch.

A smile rises to your mouth unbidden. You create a new contact with the number, and then type:

Y/N: I have a bed of my own, you know.

*************

You're shutting the front door of your apartment behind you and kicking off your shoes by the time you get a reply.

Kyoya Ootori: I’m aware. 

Kyoya Ootori: It’s a good one. Best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages.

"You're home late."

You look up. "And you're…home." You toss your bag under a chair and tuck your phone into your pocket as you sit down across from Haruhi, who's typing away furiously at her laptop. "Rewrite?"

"Prewrite." She takes a sip of coffee, then goes back to typing. I'm trying to get ahead on work for the next two weeks, so that I'm not behind when I get back."

It's not unusual for Haruhi to be on top of things—but missing class? "Get back from what?"

"Tamaki's heat is coming up this week. Thursday, probably. Kiera's heats were always pretty long." Kiera…ah, yes, that was two ex's ago. "Tamaki says his usually only last a couple of days, but I want to be ahead. Just in case."

You feel like you're moving underwater. Even blinking seems to take twice as long as usual. "Can't hurt to be prepared," you manage.

"Mm-hm." She takes another swig of coffee, finishing the mug. You grab it and go to brew her some more, if only to get away from the table. Seemingly oblivious to your general state, she asks, "What about you? Good weekend?"

"Weird weekend."

"Weird? Huh." She chuckles, but doesn't press further.

The coffee starts to drip. "That's big," you say. "The heat stuff."

"Oh, this is nothing. I should have it all done by tomorrow."

"A big step in the relationship, I mean. Like, spending a heat together." You lean against the counter, chewing on your bottom lip and shooting another text to Kyoya.

Y/N: My halfprice preowned fb marketplace boxspring is honored

Kyoya Ootori: Hang on, checking my clothes for bedbugs.

Y/N: >:(

Kyoya Ootori: Just a joke. I promise.

Y/N: I know

Kyoya Ootori: Okay, good.

Y/N: That was just the face i made when i realized there isn’t a bedbug emoji

"I mean." You shake your head, bringing your attention back to the present. "Are you nervous at all?"

She stops to think about it, head tilted slightly. "No," she finally says, turning to look at you for the first time since you walked in. "Actually, this is the first time I haven't been nervous to spend a heat with someone new. Is that weird?"

"No." The way she says it, so matter of fact, sends an odd pang of sadness through you. You think of how Tamaki looks at her. The way she looks talking about him. Kyoya's certainty when he talked about what a good match they were. "It's not weird at all."

"Really?"

You pour the coffee, and try to smile as you bring it over. "You know I don't know anything about how all of this heat stuff works. But I do know this guy makes you happy, so. As long as he's treating you well, I'm happy." At least that much is true.

"Mh-hm." She gives a little smile, but you can tell her attention is firmly back on her work.

Which reminds you, you should be getting to your own work. You give her a pat on the shoulder. "I'm gonna hit the hay."

She nods. "Thanks for the coffee."

"Anytime. Don't stay up too late."

"I will."

You share a chuckle at that. "I know," you say softly.

As you reach your doorway, she calls out, "Oh, hey—did Kyoya end up dropping off the vitamins the other night?"

You freeze. "Uh, yeah, actually. He did." She doesn't look up, and you decide to test whether or not she's actually listening. "I invited him in to hide from the rain, we split the bottle of vitamins over candlelight and smooth jazz, he ended up staying the night. Super romantic. We're madly in love now. Instead of fighting during class we just make out on the seminar table."

"Cool."

Yeah, she absolutely isn't listening to you. "Yeah. Cool." Probably this is some sort of karma, for how you did the exact same thing to Reese earlier today—mm-hm-ing and yeah, sure-ing your way through a conversation. But it still stings. "Night."

"Night."

Kyoya Ootori: You’re…sad that there’s no bedbug emoji?

Y/N: Thatss a lie, actually

Y/N: Id pay the emoji people every cent in my bank account to never ever create a bedbug emoji

Kyoya Ootori: Noted.

Kyoya Ootori: I hope you had a good day.

You smile.

Y/N: You too. 

Y/N: Enjoy not being sexiled. I'll see you in class tomorrow?

Kyoya Ootori: Likewise. See you then.

Kyoya Ootori: I actually have something I want to talk to you about in person, if you’re free after.

But by the time that last text rolls in, you’ve already washed your face and brushed your teeth and started typing away at your own laptop, phone face down on your nightstand.

*************

Come morning, you've written a paper proposal that you're pretty proud of, actually. Abe was right—you are capable of more than that first effort.

Unfortunately, writing it did take you most of the night. Meaning you only got a few hours of sleep before your alarm went off. You skim your new notifications, only half processing them—until you see an email from TA Abe asking if you can swing by his office hours after class.

Shit.

Did he already read your proposal? Is it really that bad?

Whatever the verdict is, you’re not going to improve anything by skipping class. You drag yourself in and out of the shower, chug some decaf coffee—a placebo for dire situations like these—and run. When you get there, the seminar table is about halfway full. You slide into an empty seat by the windows. When Kyoya comes in, you give him a wave and a smile, which he returns. You're about to gesture that he should take the empty seat next to you—

When Olivia slides into it.

“Morning.” She pulls a lipgloss and tiny mirror out of her bag, touching up her already perfect makeup. God, you wish you were that put together. Even at nine in the morning, she doesn't have a single hair out of place. "Are you still free after class?"

"Yeah—I just have to pop by Abe's office hours super quickly, if that's alright?"

She gives you a thin smile as she snaps the compact shut. "Sure." Before you can respond, she's turned away from you. "Kyoya! Where did you disappear to this weekend? I was…"

You tune her out. It's too early in the morning to eavesdrop, you decide, especially on two-point-five hours of sleep. You'd estimate you have maybe five hours of awake time left in you before you crash, if you're lucky. And that's not even taking into consideration the sheer amount of energy you're going to have to expend trying to get through this meeting with Abe, and this meeting with Olivia, and your actual job.

Class feels ungodly slow. It's not boring, of course—how could it be? But your exhaustion makes you sloppy, combined with how on edge you are about your meeting with Abe. You try your best to keep a low profile. Kyoya must be able to sense you're a bit out of it, because he goes a little easier on you than usual. Or maybe that's just because he remembers your conversation from this weekend, and because Olivia is literally sitting smack in between the two of you.

In any case, you're relieved to make it through class more or less in one piece. When it's done, you stand up, ready to follow Abe and a few other students to his office elsewhere in the building. As you make it to the door, a wave of dizziness overtakes you, and you stumble.

"Woah." Kyoya is there, steadying you with a hand on your shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." You blink. "Sorry, I just had to pull an all-nighter last night."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's nothing." You wave a hand. "I've been taking my multivitamin, so. Iron for days, over here."

He chuckles. "Glad to hear it." He sticks his hands in his pockets.

As he opens his mouth to say something, you glance a ways down the hall, where Olivia is giving you the death glare to end all death glares.

"—work?"

You blink again, and look up at Kyoya. You get the sense that he's expecting you to say something, though you have no idea what. You're about to ask what, but then, there, behind Olivia, Abe disappears into his office. "Work. Yes, office hours and then work. I have to run—sorry—but I'm all good, I promise!"

He says something else, you think, but you're too far down the hall to hear him. Oh, well. It probably wasn't anything important.

*************

You walk into Abe's office just as another student is leaving. Abe looks up and waves you over. 

“(Y/N), hey! Great timing. Have a seat—this’ll only take a second.”

You drop your bag and coat and sit. He’s busy pulling up something on his tablet. You feel more and more like you’re about to throw up with each passing second.

“So,” he finally says. Your stomach clenches. “Got your email. I only had a chance to give it a cursory lookover this morning, but…” He turns off his tablet, puts it onto the table, and gives you a smile. “It’s really good work, (Y/N).”

Your heart leaps into your chest. “Really?”

“Really. Look, I’ve read all the JLT essays for years now, and you’ve always been solid. But this is a step up.” He gives you a thumbs up. “Good job pushing yourself, kid.”

There’s still a lot to do, of course—the deadline for the assignment, and the contest, is less than a month away. But it’s a step in the right direction. It’s amazing what the tiniest bit of academic validation can do—you feel like nothing could possibly bring your mood down.

Not even Olivia, who's in the hall when you come out of Abe's office, still chatting with Kyoya. When she sees you, she waves to you, then leans in closer to Kyoya to say one more thing, her hand resting on his chest. You do your best to look disinterested. The last thing you need to do is give her any more reason to think the two of you are fighting over Kyoya.

After a few more giggles and another long touch to Kyoya's arm, she bounds over to you.

"Sorry about that," she says. "Let's walk?"

You give her a nod, and a tight smile of your own. As she grabs her phone to shoot off a quick text, you can't help but take one glance back at Kyoya. Kyoya, at the other end of the hall. Kyoya, who you still can't quite figure out.

Kyoya, who's looking at you, too.

*************

The planning part goes relatively painlessly. Olivia might be the most organized person you've ever met, with an event binder perfectly sectioned and highlighted in a rainbow of sunset tones. She has all of the forms needed—some for you to sign, others for you to pass along to your upper manager—and knows all of the right questions to ask about time, spacing, cleanup, fees.

"You're really good at this," you tell her, and you mean it. With her help, you've accomplished in five minutes what would take most people hours—weeks, even—to get done. She shrugs. "No, seriously. It's really impressive."

"Oh, this is nothing. My mom is involved in, like, a billion different charities, and I'm the oldest, so I got roped into helping out when I was, like, eight. And all of the planning for this was done already. All there really is to do is transplant all of the catering and things to the new venue. Reese was right about using this place. It's cute."

Was that…a compliment? Not to you directly, but still. "You think?"

"Yeah! Tiny, but cute."

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. She turns a page, seemingly very interested in the binder as she asks, "So, like. How do you know Reese?"

"Huh?" You were expecting her to ask you about Kyoya. But in the twenty minutes you've spent walking to the cafe, and now sitting here, she has yet to bring up his name once.

"I mean, I'm by EpPhi a lot, and I've never seen you around there. And you said you're not pledging or anything."

"Right." This is still a territorial thing, then—just after actual territory, this time, not romantic territory. "No, yeah, I just—we ran into each other at a party, and I guess they were looking to recruit people for the open-night meetings?"

Before she can answer, you hear: "Livvy!"

Both of you look up and are immediately crashed into by a couple of red-headed whirlwinds.

"Hey guys," you say, once Kaoru has released you from his iron grip. "Oh, shit, am I late?"

"What? No way. You have, like, five whole minutes before our shift even starts." Kaoru says, ruffling your hair before turning to address Olivia. "Miss Freidmonte. Never thought we'd catch you on this side of campus."

You look back and forth between them as they start chatting. Before you can ask any questions, a new voice says, "I came here expecting to see one friend, and here's four!" Brighter than the twins, even. "What are the odds?"

Tamaki, radiantly cheerful as always. When he finishes hugging Olivia and each of the twins, he sweeps you up into a bone-crushing hug of your own. "(Y/N)! Long time no see."

"Oh!" You do your best to smile as he pulls away. "Hi!"

"I hope these three aren't giving you a hard time, are they?" He playfully bats one of the twins on the shoulder. You let out a confused laugh.

"No, we just—Hikaru and Kaoru and I work here, and Olivia and I were just going over a project—what brings you here?"

"Oh, Haruhi wanted some coffee, and I thought it would be nice to come say hello! Since I'll be stealing her from you for the next week," he laughs.

"Hi." Peeking out from behind him—Haruhi. She gives you a little wave, which you return. "I'll be out of the house tonight."

"Oh, yeah," you say, your brain almost entirely blank trying to process all of your different worlds colliding at once. "Totally. No worries."

"I picked up eggs, though. And some more tea."

"Thanks. That's—"

"Haruhi," Tamaki interrupts, "have you ever met Olivia?" As the two shake hands, he claps his own together. "So many of my favorite people, all in one place! And (Y/N), you said you two were working on some kind of project, right? Sounds fun."

"Yeah," Olivia says, flipping back a few pages in her binder. "The EpPhi-Triple O joint fundraiser next Friday? We're having it here—you guys should totally come!"

"Next Friday? I might be out—heat leave."

You're shocked once again at how casually he says it. Even more than that, how casually everyone else responds. "Oh, totally," Olivia says, with a sympathetic nod.

"First heat together, huh?" Hikaru says. "That's exciting!"

You are going to be ill if you have to sit through another second of this conversation. You glance at your phone, desperate for some excuse. "Two minutes! I should start getting ready for work." You grab the stack of papers to be signed. "Liv—Olivia—thank you for…" You wave the papers. "I'll email these to you?"

She nods, only half paying attention as she continues explaining the fundraiser. Good enough. You get up to go. Haruhi gives you another muted smile as you leave, and Tamaki another blinding one.

As you walk away, you turn your attention back to your phone, scrolling, scrolling…and see another text from Kyoya. One you'd missed, last night.

Kyoya Ootori: I actually have something I want to talk to you about in person, if you're free after.

Huh.

It was sent a while after his last text to you, too. You start typing.

Y/N: Sorry I missed this. I'll be at Ground Up until 5

Y/N: Is everything ok?

You backspace that last text, but send the first. Almost immediately, three dots pop up as Kyoya starts typing out his response…

Then the three dots disappear.

You stare at your phone.

*************

It can't be anything bad he wants to talk about, right? That's what you tell yourself as you go through the motions of manning the register, checking mobile orders, rinsing shakers. If it was something urgent, he could have told you as much. But you can't imagine anything he'd need to talk to you about that couldn't be discussed over text.

Olivia's still at her table, which isn't exactly helping your nerves. Not that she's looked your way since you went to go clock in. She's still pouring over her binder, cross-checking a page with something on her laptop, occasionally marking something in highlighter or Wite-Out. More fundraiser stuff, probably. Or homework. Tamaki and Haruhi are still here, too, on the other end, sitting at a table pressed up against the windowed wall. It's probably a bit creepy, you know, the way you can't stop sneaking looks at the three of them, but it's either that or keep thinking in circles about Kyoya.

Which you're still doing.

Maybe…maybe it's the breaking heat news?

That's the only thing you can think of. Yeah, surely that's it—you've set yourself up as someone he can complain to about Tamaki and Haruhi, after all. Maybe he just wants to have a vent session. God knows you could probably use one, too.

"Hello? Earth to (Y/N)?"

"Hm?" You look over to see Hikaru putting order stickers on cups and sliding them over to his brother.

"You've been washing out that one shaker for, like, two minutes straight."

"Oh." You shake your head, grabbing a towel to dry it off. "Sorry."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Nickel?" Kaoru immediately tries to one-up him.

"Dime?" Hikaru counters without missing a beat.

"Quarter?"

You roll your eyes. "Livvy, huh?" They both just shrug. "So you guys just know everybody, now, is what I'm gathering."

Kaoru snorts. "We don't know everybody. You just happen to know nobody, which is why it seems like we know a lot of people by comparison."

"That's true," Hikaru says. "Although, she said you're helping her with this fundraiser thing?"

"Yep."

"(Y/N)!" He slaps you on the back so hard you almost drop the cup you're holding. "Look at you, going out and socializing! Trying new things! Can you believe it, Kaoru?"

"It's not a big de—"

Kaoru places a hand over his heart and sniffs. "They grow up so fast."

"You guys—"

"I'm just so honored we get to see it happen." They both step away from you, wearing identical expressions of mischief. "Although…"

You cross your arms. "What?"

"You still won't tell us who your mystery date was on Saturday."

"Oh, my God."

"You know, I just…" Hikaru lets out a huge, exaggerated sigh. "I thought we were friends, (Y/N)."

"No." You shake your head, turning away from them both, even as an unwelcome smile plays at the corners of your mouth. "None of that."

"I thought the countless hours we spent toiling away here meant something."

"I guess not."

"Kaoru, not you, too," you groan. "Guys. Seriously. We had this conversation. You thought it was Reese Barlow, right? So, sure. It was Reese Barlow."

"Nice try," says Hikaru.

"Yeah. No way we actually fall for that."

You press your lips more tightly together. They look at each other and sigh in unison.

"Such a shame," Hikaru says, shaking his head. "I guess we'll just have to ask Haruhi."

Your head snaps up. "Sorry?"

They both nod towards the far corner of the cafe, where Haruhi and Tamaki are still seated. Or no, sorry, just Tamaki is seated.

Because Haruhi is on her feet and walking towards the counter.

[pudding-parade]

Music Meme 2: Electric Boogaloo

@papermint-airplane and @simsdastra tagged me again for this, so apparently they, at least, want more from me. There's no accounting for taste, folks! ;)

🎶✨when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, and publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨🎶

I'll use YouTube embeds this time, just because it's easier than copypasting links and because ya girl doesn't have a Spotify account. (Well, technically, I do, but I forgot my login and idc enough to recover it.) Anyway, since embeds are huge plus I babbled as usual, I'll put them behind a cut.

And I guess I'll tag more peeps, so here you go: @twinsimming, @rollo-rolls, @ninjaofthepurplethings, @suratan-zir, @fluttereyes-ts3-blog, @danjaley, @unsimspirational, @lilidebergerac, @stargazer-sims, and @parystrange. And if anyone reading this wants to do it, too, consider yourself tagged, too. Feel free to ignore, as always. No pressure.

Here we go…

This one reminds me of my rave days. Man, I miss those rave days… I listen to a lot of ambient, trance-y electronic stuff whether I'm high/tripping or not. It tends to fuel creativity in me, and Delerium is always at the top of my list. I love the combination of dark ambient and ethereal female voices that most of their tracks have.

More belly dance music. Yes, I am really into belly dance. I've been taking lessons for….eight?…years now, and I'm good enough now to perform as well as teach beginners. In fact, I'm teaching my very first actual beginner's class this spring, and I'm very excited because 8 people (including one guy and one kid, which is awesome) have already signed up. SQUEE! :D I love everything about belly dance. It's excellent exercise and gives you amazing muscle control, which is great for inherently clumsy people like me. I love the music. I LOVE love that it makes me feel sexy and ultra-feminine and that there's no pressure for dancers to be super-skinny. (In fact, belly dance looks better if you aren't skinny, although lamentably I am skinny because of health issues.) But most of all, I love the outfits. The fabrics, the sweeping skirts, the colors, the BLING. ✨ ✨ ✨

ANYWAY! This piece is one that I have performed to. I prefer pieces that are all/mostly darbuka (That's the drum), and this guy is a master.

You wouldn't think that this combo would work as a duet, but it really, really does, despite the fact that, according to my first husband (who was a recording engineer and eventually a producer), Donna was hung-over as fuck during the (single!) recording session. Can you imagine singing like that while hung-over? I can't.

Ironically, I played the shit out of this song when my first husband left me. LOL I still play it a lot nowadays when I want to sing and dance like an idiot.

I wouldn't call myself a metalhead by any stretch of the imagination, but I do like metal quite a bit. My favorite metal genre is symphonic metal, which probably isn't surprising since I'm a classical musician. :) But yeah, give me all the Nightwish and Epica and, indeed, Within Temptation. This is arguably my favorite song of theirs.

And since I haven't put anything from my favorite band of all time on these lists…time to fix that. :) Though it definitely isn't my overall favorite song of Queen's, this is my favorite song from Queen II, which is my favorite Queen album. It's the height of their fantasy-theme phase. It's also their "heaviest" album, so I thought that something from it was a good song to follow Within Temptation. :)

[morning-jellyfish-in-a-teacup]

This whole week has been a fucking shit show.

At the start of the week, I finally got the grade for the six cylinders I made. Got an 86. Not a terrible grade, but it's not great. I'm only taking studio classes this semester, meaning all my classes are project based rather than quiz/test based. That means I only have 4 or 5 project grades + attendance and participation grades. This translates to less than 10 grades in all my classes. Every grade is super important because I won't have chances to make them up. Specifically for the ceramics class, since it's not an advanced elective, my final grade can't be below an 80 or else I won't get the credits and risk not graduating. My GPA can't drop below a 2.5 or else I risk not graduating. That's something I normally wouldn't be worried about, but I'm only taking 4 classes instead of 5 this semester, so that makes everything weigh even more.

I told my friend about the grade and tried explaining why I'm so stressed about it but it felt like she wasn't really listening to me. I know she was and was just trying to make me feel better about the grade but telling me about how she failed a quiz but isn't worried about it because she has all these other grades to make up for it ... that's not my situation. I don't have that luxury. Again, I have less than 10 grades for the whole semester in each of my classes! I know her intent was just to show "you got an 86, I got a 33, things could always be worse" but fuck dude. That doesn't help.

After this conversation, I started to feel really bad. Just about everything. I felt guilty for being annoyed with my friend, I felt upset with myself for not doing better on the project, I felt really lonely. Things just started to get really bad. Then my friend emailed me journal entries to keep trying to make me feel better. I asked her not to but she'd already sent them. I haven't read them. In July, I got into an exhibit and things - in general - just haven't been the same. Especially with her. I don't feel like I'm close enough to her to read her journal entries even though she sent them. Everything that happened surrounding the show caused a rift between us. I don't know if it's just me, though. I feel this distance between us everytime we're together or talk now, and I don't know how to fix. I tried ignoring it and that made things worse. I've tried talking to her about things that are stressing me out, like the 86, and she doesn't seem to acknowledge what I'm trying to tell her. I haven't directly told her I feel like there's a distance between us because I'm scared if I do, the friendship will really end. So idk what to do

Thursday, I had my first critiques in both of my painting classes. Both of them were terrible. No one really had anything to say about my work or respondes to it in anyway. One class is all about experimentation in art approaches so I put thought into methodology rather than final product. I used watercolor paper and food dye to create markings on the paper. I played around with dry paper and wet and how the dye reacted to the different papers and moved around on the surface. No one said anything about that. The only comments I got were "the colors are kinda muddy and run together a lot" which like ... yeah, maybe, but it was an experimental piece. It was supposed to be more about method than final! And no one responded to it. In the next class .... it was literally just silence. No one said anything about it. My teacher made some comments about stuff we talked about, what improved and what could be pushed further. Everyone else just sat in silence. So that fully drained. I thought critique might be able to give me a small positive after the way everything else had gone, but my energy just dropped. So much so that I ended up skipping my ceramics class, a self destructive choice that will hurt my grade even more (haven't even told my friend that because she'll probably just say it's fine).

Friday, I went to the ceramic building to make up for missing class and spent 5 hours there. Managed to only make 2 bowls beforw running out of clay. 1 is okay, the other just hasn't fallen apart yet. As I was leaving, I got an email about another open call I applied to, same gallery as the place in July. Normally, I would've immeadietly texted my friend to tell her but everything from July just rushed back so I didn't. Messaged my mom about it to let her know the shipping plans so she'd be aware of what's going on. We have more of a business relationship than a close one, so it wasn't an "omg I got into another show" text, it was more of an "this needs to get shipped by this date in order to arrive on time, but I'm not able to come back because of school so could you mail it if I prepare everything else" text. Then I messaged an online friend about it who knew I applied, then the friend I have a complicated relationship with. Wasn't going to tell my friend about getting it, just didn't feel right. Against my better judgement, though, I did end up telling her because I remembered her asking me to tell her next time I got into something. She didn't remember telling me this. She said she's happy for me and all this other stuff, but I can't help doubting it after the July show. That whole experience ... it fucking broke me. May and June were rough for me and everything that happened surrounding the show - with thw exhibit being the focal point of most of it - I just got crushed. Haven't been able to fix things since and the depressive episode I've been in has just been getting worse and worse. I honestly regret telling her. I shouldn't have done that. It just makes the distance between us feel even wider.

So now ... here we are. Saturday afternoon. I cleaned up my apartment a bit and am currently drying a load of laundry and watching Bojack Horseman. Waiting for my mom to arrive so she can give me some medicine that finally arrived and my photo paper that also finally arrived. After that, she's taking me to the art building so I can print one of the pieces that got accepted (the other is a fabric piece). Then she said she'd take me grocery shopping. After that, I'll come back to the apartment and ... idk what. Maybe make something to eat, make some tea, and watch morw Bojack? I don't have any plans or any energy to even do anything right now. I texted my friend a photo of a cute squirrel I saw yesterday but haven't heard anything back. I don't know what to even say to her or how to text like I was literally a week ago. I just don't know what to do about it or if this is even a real issue or one I'm just imagining because of how depressed I've been. Before school, she invited me to be her plus one to a wedding she was invited to. I said okay at the time but now I don't know about it. Honestly, knowing her, she probably doesn't even remember inviting me. She also asked me while drunk so idek if it was a serious invitation. For now, I'm just going to ignore it. I was looking forward to going with her and just spending time together but now ... idfk.

Honestly, my weight and diet isn't really a priority right now. Idk how active I'll be posting about that. If I lose weight, great. If I gain, okay. I lost 25lbs just in July because of how stressed and depressed I was. If that happens again now ... okay.

[goldsrc-hl1]

Actually Ironwood is a great example of what I was talking about earlier, I think we can agree ironwood wasn’t racist right? He seemed to treat Faunus the same as humans,

And yet despite him holding two seats on the atlas council, he has done nothing to actually attempt to inhibit Jacques’ constant abuse of his workers (who side note, aren’t slaves according to everything within the main show). Hell despite ironwood clearly hating Jacques he still partnered with the SDC to keep the atlesian knights.

Also on that note, despite atlas’ classism, the working class humans also benefited from faunus oppression, and where actively racist, as we clearly see with the “no Faunus” sign in front of pietro’s office, drunk guy, and the old lady in mantle

It’s not an “either/or” scenario

Drunk guy can be oppressed by atlas’ classism while still benefiting from the oppression of Faunus,

I think you have arguably more faith in people then I do, can people change? Absolutely, but i think banking you’re entire fucking civil rights battle on your oppressors having a “change of heart” is a rather stupid plan all things considered, some people,will change their views, hell I used to be rather ignorant, not an ardent racist more so right leaning centrist,

but the majority of raging bigots will absolutely just fall back on their hate no matter how hard you “disprove” them and that doesn’t just apply to people like Jacques who hold the most power, you mention people who don’t know about black peoples accomplishments in American history, but here’s the thing, they don’t NEED any “accomplishments” to deserve equal fucking rights. A right needs to be inherent or it’s not a fucking right, and even if,you did explain to these bigots why they’re wrong they wouldn’t listen, because bigotry is not based on logic or reason.

Minority groups don’t have to,prove shit, if your oppressors are preventing you from having your basic rights then you take those rights,

It’s not about “changing a bigot’s heart”it’s about removing their power to act on that bigotry,

I don’t see why the Faunus can’t focus on mutual aid networks and taking power within society since it has been so clearly denied to them. Trying to please your opressors is a fools errand

Yes, because Ironwood benefits from the racism. Dust is needed for an army, and Jacques provides dust on Faunus labor.

Do I need to say once again that the lesson in Mistral doesn't apply to Atlas? It's a completely different situation in Atlas.

It's not shown once that Mantle's working class benefits from Faunus oppression. Matter of fact, chances are they suffer because of it due to not being able to get jobs as easily as Faunus since Faunus will work for less money. Not blaming that on the Faunus though, it's the SDC that underpays Faunus and hires them more for the mines because they'll work for less and are more destitute.

We don't see Ghira's current methods, so the idea that all he's doing is trying to change minds is completely a headcanon.

Once again, the show doesn't have a message on how to deal with racism. It has a message about how terrorism can make people hate you more and treat you worse, which is true, but it doesn't treat this like it's the answer to racism. Hell, it actually says it isn't.

Blake: Humans didn't do this. We did this: Faunus. We did this to ourselves. We are just as capable of hate and violence as the humans, but I don't think any of us would jump at the chance to point that out. So why are we letting Adam do it for us?! By doing nothing and staying silent, we let others speak and act in our place. And if we're not proud of the choices they make, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. This is the message that Adam Taurus will bring to the world if no one stops him. But we can stop him! You have to understand that all of you are looking for simple answers to a very complicated problem. And I can't give that to you. I don't know how to make hate go away, I don't. But I know that this kind of violence is not the solution. I understand that to ask you to leave your homes and protect Haven Academy is asking you to put your lives at risk. But that's what's at stake. So I'm going, and I'll stand by myself if I have to.

RWBY completely acknowledges that doing this won't make racism go away, it acknowledges that this isn't a 100% guaranteed solution.

I do have a lot of faith that people can change, I consider myself a bit of an idealist, but I also know damn well there are people that will never change.

However, you're wrong about bigotry not being based on logic or reason. It absolutely is, it's just that those reasons and the logic backing bigotry up is completely wrong. There is still logic and reasons behind it, but those reasons are bad and the logic is bad too.

The people at the top won't ever change, cause they actively benefit from the racism. However, most people don't directly benefit from it, and if their logic is disproven, there is a chance that they will change.

The reason why this line of thinking isn't applied to Atlas is because Atlas benefits from Faunus racism. Not just the upper class of Atlas, literally all of Atlas benefits from it, and Atlas holds all the power. There's no hope that changing their minds about whether you're inferior or not will make them stop oppressing you, because they have a reason to oppress you regardless - they benefit from it.

Mistral is not like that. Mistral is poor, crime ridden, and overpopulated. The SDC has no presence there after Ironwood's dust embargo, so no one there is gaining anything out of Faunus racism except the upper class who are able to control people better with a scapegoat to blame for everything, since it creates unity.

The regular people have nothing to gain out of being racist, it's just been drilled into their minds so that the upper class can get away with their racist policies and continue to benefit from it.

I 100% agree that accomplishments shouldn't be needed to guarantee equal rights, but it's pretty much the only way to convince them that you aren't inferior. Convincing people to be less racist is, surprise surprise, a better option than just beating up all the lower class racists. Beat up the upper class racists instead. Convince the lower class that their racism is unjustified, and they'll stop condoning racist policies.

I agree that you should take those rights, but this is a method of taking those rights. You're convincing the lower class that their racism is incorrect, and since they have nothing to gain out of racism, they'll change and end up opposing the racist policies that don't benefit them and only harm them.

Do I have to say it again? The show doesn't have a message on how to deal with racism, it has a message about how terrorism can make racism even worse and how in order to stop the racism from getting worse you should stand up for yourself and show that you're not to be represented by terrorists. Getting more people to believe you're not inferior lowers support for racists in the government and allows change to start happening.

[snapedefender]

Yeah the difference is Lovecraft can't use the relevance his work gives him to be racist and platform racism anymore bc he's dead. And Plath is no longer relevant/alive enough to do fucked up shit. As long as Jowling Kowling Rowling is relevant, she is powerful enough to hurt people, and talking about/publicly engaging with the work she still profits from and builds a platform off of keeps her relevant enough to have influence. It's not just money she's giving to bad endeavors, it's credibility and attention and all the stuff that comes with being a celebrity.

Like the damn TERF book all you want. Just do it privately, so that we bury that gay-bashing transphobic antisemitic cunt in the massive turd she made.

This doesn't seem like a big ask. Ffs.

i mean, i could reference actual authors who have giant followings and are problematic... orson scott card and george rr martin spring to mind immediately, but there are more. no one is saying we can't talk about those books just because the authors aren't great people like they do with rowling. if you're going to apply that to one current author, you should do it to any current author who has a following and is using it to peddle their hate speech or problematic biases.

what frustrates me is not the people who argue we shouldn't support rowling, it's the people who say we're not allowed to talk about the series whatsoever anymore. her influence does not come from talking about the series - it comes from her money. the only reason she has any influence at all is because she built up enough of a fortune to do so. cutting her purse strings IS the most effective way to lower her influence, as well as speaking out against her on public platforms... not telling people they can't meta about hp on tumblr, which barely anyone is paying attention to at all. her celebrity is tied into her money. fantastic beasts failing and the vocal campaign against her on twitter is doing 100x more to discredit her than anything else could and my posts for one niche corner of the internet on tumblr dot com will not somehow boost her popularity.

also. like. rowling is a terf, yes. doesn't mean all of her work is. like there's interesting analysis to be done on where her biased views on femininity show in the books, but the sheer black-and-whiteness of your attitude irks me. we analyze books by racist, homophobic, transphobic authors all the time in classes and our every day lives - pretending that this ONE series has to be the exception where we must pretend it doesn't exist in order to conform to YOUR idea of what makes "good activism" isn't helpful and isn't doing any actual good for the trans community. shitty authors do make good books. it happens a lot, unfortunately. i'm capable of deciding to keep the parts of the books i want and ignoring the author for being shitty. once again, if i'm not giving her money or buying her shit, then why the hell should it matter?

it shouldn't be that hard to just... let people do meta tumblr without accusing them of being transphobic for the crime of *checks hand* talking about a popular book series. if it makes you uncomfortable or if you don't want to see it, damn, the block button is literally right there for any of you to use. learn how to curate your own online experience, learn how to leave people alone, and learn how to do actual activism for the trans community, because i promise you, this kind of bullshit isn't it.

[walkuntilthedaylight]

The people have spoken! How can I not give them what they want?

I'm gonna put this all under a cut, since it's a bit long, and also because it's highly interpretative/speculative and not everyone likes those kinds of posts as they can be rather subjective and, I suppose, invasive. I want to give two major caveats to my thoughts below: first is that I tend not to buy the idea that Paul was the "stable/normal" Beatle, mostly b/c I view marijuana dependency and workaholism as addictions and I take them pretty seriously. Second is that I really do love this kind of tabloid/gossip/personal account shit; I think it should be taken with a handful of salt, but I don't think it should be entirely dismissed out of hand either. I read this stuff like I'm piling up sheets of stained glass: I'm intrigued by the places where the colours blend and overlap, and ignore things that fall outside the prism. Anyway, let's dig in:

Okay, so what I found fascinating about 'Body Count' is that it's one of the only sources which observes Paul McCartney's mental health during the period between the India trip and when the band breakup really got rolling. I think it's overall a fairly self-absorbed text that definitely has some lies and exaggerations peppered in there to make things spicier and more dramatic, but its broad characterization - as I mentioned in my first post - isn't exactly libelous or out of left field. Some elements that make me think it's generally if not wholly authentic are: Paul's simultaneously forceful and dorky seduction style, his terrible Liverpool diet and poor housekeeping, the bouts of thrill-seeking recklessness, avoidant adventure crafting, dark moods when drinking non-socially, the occasional hot and cold bouts with the Apple Scuffs camped out at his gate, and the way in which he underplays his drug habit, which is SO "in truthfulness we spent most of the filming of Help! slightly stoned":

These details are so bizarrely specific and have significant overlap with both sympathetic and spurned personal accounts of Paul I've read in the past, so I believe Francie is just telling "Her Version Of The Truth" here rather than crafting a piece of pure fiction. The most important and revealing anecdote in the book is this one.

There's no reason not to believe this is a fairly accurate representation of something that actually happened, imo, since we know that anxious purse strings were an ongoing issue in the unusual turnover rate within the band Wings, and there are plenty of confirmed and rumoured cases alike of extended family members feeling entitled to a "piece of the pie"; this is just like, the kind of thing that happens to working class people who get catapulted into fame and fortune. And Paul in particular already had deep-seated financial anxiety for whatever reasons he'll never fully admit (as is his right, but I think his offhand claim that he "once heard some adults arguing about money and that's why" might actually be alluding to having heard some adults - y'know, like his parents - arguing over money fairly frequently). What esp interests me about the anecdote is the way Paul seems to connect the conflict b/t his dual "identities" with these financial expectations. Perhaps the CAPSLOCK emotional hysteria related in the book is puffed up for drama, but it does bring to mind one of the most revealing comments Linda ever made about their relationship, which is that Paul needed to be told he would still be loved when the cameras weren't rolling. And that's the thing: Francie caught Paul at the exact moment that the pillars of his Smile-For-The-Camera "Beatle" identity were collapsing; the dissolution of his relationships with John and Jane.

Whatever all this could possibly mean re: the breakup of the Lennon-McCartney partnership is a post for another time. What I wanna do instead is apply the level of speculation we usually reserve for that relationship to the endpoint of Paul and Jane's courtship.

So like, Paul and Jane: I know people are resistant to this specific POV, but I honestly just don't... think it was that deep? "Not deep", mind you, doesn't mean "not significant". Paul was obviously Jane's first love (u never forget), but the feeling I get from Paul's side (as a subconscious process I mean) is that Jane's importance was primarily as a lynchpin in his London Socialite persona. He loved her family, he loved the friend group, the artistic scene dating her gave him access to, as well as the leg up he got in the class system, etc. He liked to be the kind of guy who was dating Jane Asher. But I don't know that he was the guy who was dating Jane Asher, you get me? When people describe their "great love" they accidentally tell on them (Cynthia innocently describing Paul as being pleased to have her on his arm like a trophy; John: "it was an ordinary love scene"; Alistair Taylor noting that Paul was humiliated by the breakup). Paul's a serial monogamist who U-Hauls like a lesbian, of course, so he definitely took the relationship VERY seriously, but it's telling that all of his love songs to her were either about hitting a brick wall in arguments (certainly not dreamy, fond, yearning of "sunday morning fights about saturday night"; and occasionally expressing hints of class tension too), or completely non-descript Guy With A Guitar Trying To Get Laid shit. I could extrapolate a lot about Linda just from listening to McCartney I/RAM and the Wings discography, but 'And I Love Her' doesn't tell me a single thing about Jane besides that she's pretty. It could be about literally anyone the same way 'My Love' or 'Maybe I'm Amazed' could only be about his dynamic with Linda. Some of this is obviously the natural result of getting older and gaining emotional maturity; what I'm saying is that Paul's behaviour and self-expression in this relationship does not suggest to me that it was one in which his emotional maturity was able to develop or flourish.

I want to stress again that I don't think this belittles the significance of the relationship or makes it "bad" or "fake". Like, sometimes hot people just date for a while in their teens and twenties and love each other without necessarily unlocking their inner emotional cores, usually because they don't know how to. It's, like, fine. You need to experience relationships like that as stepping stones. I simply believe that this sort of front-facing social importance being prime in the romance is a major factor in why it ultimately didn't work (and probably in Linda's reported lingering jealousy of Jane, who wasn't just an ex, but also a symbol of the life Paul ditched to build a new identity w/ her, and sometimes still pined for). With Jane, Paul was dating the "right" kind of girl (didn't put out on the first date, erudite and middle class, as serious about her career as he was, a good "celebrity" match), but the relationship often wasn't doing what he wanted it to do. Francie's observation is that by 1968 it also wasn't doing what he needed it to do either. This is the overwhelming "mood" in her affair with Paul McCartney: that he needed something very badly from a romantic partner that he just was NOT getting, and Francie couldn't figure out what it was either:

(note that she means "queer" as in "mad", not "gay")

This was an EXTREMELY roundabout way of asking: well, what WAS it that Paul needed a relationship to do for him? And I think this is Francie's big, accidental insight. The most scandalous claim in 'Body Count' is that Paul told Francie that he hit Jane and it "turned her on".

I personally think this is p. absurd absent any real proof to back it up, but like, what is Francie actually saying HE'S saying here? If she's exaggerating or lying, she's trying to make it believable within the psychological parameters laid out, right? It's not an expression of some secret desire to dominate women she's accusing him of, but emotional disturbance and confusion at the idea that the woman he was with might like that sort of forceful, masculine violence more than his softer, feminine side, which he was - yeah, we all know it - deeply insecure about.

Regardless of whether specific details are true or false (and I think there's both in this story, all hyper-magnified to make it, y'know, a ~STORY~), I think what might be true is the emotional undertow of the retelling, that this all taken together is actually representative of the side of Paul McCartney she was exposed to, at a time when his public and private facades had both become unbearable to the point of cracking and the drug-fueled optimism of the Summer of Love was getting scrubbed off of everyone and everything. It's the Paul McCartney who eviscerated frogs because he was worried he was too "soft" for compulsory military service. The Paul who modelled his masculine teen behaviour off John Lennon's fake "Marlon Brando" swagger, but was actually more fond of the velvet "Oscar Wilde" interior.

What's SO FASCINATING about all this to me, is I deeply believe that one of the key factors in what makes The Beatles music so unique and compelling is that both the songwriters experienced psychological strain from the tension b/t their parochial socially-defensive "masculine" pride, and their sensitive "feminine" core, the latter of which they were able to express in the unburdened emotionality of their music. The reason I care about doing these totally unhinged psych analyses is because I do think it reveals something about the underpinnings of the music, as well as the reasons why the band was such a hysteria-inducing phenomenon (the rise of psychology, imo, is almost as important as the rise of industrialization as a defining factor of the modern and postmodern eras; mass psychology can be understood and wielded in precise ways, and The Beatles were one of the first empires built on that). The subconscious drives caused by this tension have been ENDLESSLY picked apart re: John's psyche, but Paul's "mirrored" issues are very under-discussed (mostly b/c he's still alive so people are a little more leery about putting him on the "couch" as a historical figure). 'Body Count', intentionally or not, painted a portrait to me of someone who was drowning in their own ill-fitting celebrity "suit", collapsing under the weight of "Being" "Paul McCartney". A guy who desperately needed some sort of space to be vulnerable without feeling emasculated for doing it. By 1968, there was no one in his life anymore - and maybe there hadn't been for a while, or ever - who was giving him this space.

In other words: the thing he needed to avoid going "stark raving queer and killing himself" was simply someone who would love him 'after the ball'.

EDIT: read the comments for further clarification and discussion! ;)