#because if she’d become skipper

[mole-supremacy]

Shoutout to High Rhulain for introducing otter sexism. You didn’t have to do that but you did, and I have no idea why

[samkerrworshipper]

togetherness

matilda’s x reader

this one’s a long one so rip

also pls keep sending request lol i need ideas

your a rookie on the squad, struggling to find your footing in a team that you don’t think you fit into. what happens when a certain conflict arises between you and one of your teammates?

angst, little bit of fluff, 5k+ words

I couldn’t really give you a timeline on when I started to space out, when I started to check out. I knew chronologically it would have had to be a few weeks ago, after the world cup had started, just after my whole life had become a shit storm. It was a process, checking out of your own life, it took time, I think that’s why I couldn’t tell you the one moment that I started to, because there wasn’t an exact moment. Slowly the days just all start to smudge into one big mess, you can’t tell people what day it is anymore or when your last meal was. Which sounds stupid, because those are just mundane things. When you check out of life though those things stop mattering, for me I either sleep obtusely or I don’t sleep at all, I don’t eat, I forget how to look after myself. I try to be discreet about it for as long as I can, but eventually people catch on, especially when you are playing professional sport, because you are surrounded by doctors and athletes that know the signs of burnout.

At around two weeks, I think, I could tell my team was catching onto my behaviour. I was a mess, I came to breakfast in the morning with puffy red eyes from crying at night, I didn’t really talk to anyone unless I had to, I was always tired, I kept to myself a little bit too much. It was a matter of time until I was approached, probably told off for having a shitty attitude. I had predicted that, expected it. What I hadn’t expected was to be pretty much cornered in my locker before training by our team captain, Sam Kerr.

As one of the youngest on the team it was safe to say that I was pretty much terrified of our skipper. Not that Sam was a scary person, she was lovely, considerate to a fault. But she was terrifying in a sense that we all knew heading into the world cup she had one ambition and that was to win at home, at all costs. That’s a little bit intimidating, especially when you know that she is prepared to hand you your ass on a silver platter if you do absolutely anything to jeopardise that ambition.

I’d been sitting in my cubby, lacing my cleats up. Both of my airpods in, hoodie on, tracksuit on, puffer jacket hood on. If I didn’t scream unapproachable I don’t know what did. I’d been sitting there a little bit too long I think, staring at my shoe lace for a little bit long, long enough for someone to point me out to Sam. I’d gotten the fright of my life when Sam’s hand had very gently connected with my shoulder. I’d flinched back almost immediately, before turning around and realising where the contact had come from. Sam looked a little bit offended by my sudden reaction to her touch, but the concern left her facial expression fairly quickly.

“Are you okay kid?”

I hated that question. Three words that drove me insane. I don’t think anyone ever answered that question honestly, because it was so blunt. How were you supposed to honestly answer a person you didn’t trust with the answer to the question.

I pulled my airpods out of my ears purely out of respect, even though I could hear Sam perfectly clear.

“Fine, Cap.”

I thought my words would have been enough of an indicator that I didn’t want to talk to her but she’d taken it as an invitation instead to sit down on the bench beside me.

“You don’t look fine.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, hard enough to draw blood, and focused on completing the task of lacing up my cleats.

“Well I am.”

My answers were short and snappy, closed off. They didn’t leave room for imagination or interpretation. I was a blunt person, I spoke bluntly, I reacted to things bluntly. I’d always been that way and I was pretty sure I’d never change.

“Do you want to talk about it? Because I’m here for you.”

I gulped and finished tying up my first cleat, moving on to pulling the second one over my sock covered left foot. I always put the left one on first, it had become routine for me, that was how I’d tied them before I’d won my first game and I’d stuck with it, it was a superstition that I’d never been able to break and I didn’t see why I should break it now.

“I don’t have anything I need to talk to you about.”

My voice was betraying me, my voice and my eyes. I knew Sam would pick up on my aversion to looking at her in the eyes. I could blame it on focusing on tying up my shoes but she was also sitting directly above them and every time I lifted my eyes I just happened to focus on the wall behind her instead.

“Doesn’t seem that way, Ellie told me that she’s heard you crying in your ensuite at night, she says you don’t sleep very much, which I think your under eyes are enough supporting evidence.”

I let my eyes drift over to Ellie, she was standing on the complete opposite side of the locker rooms, talking anxiously to Kyra and Hailey. As soon as she looked up and met my eyes I could tell that Sam’s approach to me had been driven by her, the anxious look in her eyes was enough of a giveaway.

“Ellie doesn’t know what she’s talking about, the girl talks in her sleep most of the time or she’s on the phone to her girlfriend, I don’t think she’d be able to recall my night time activities.”

I focused back in on my cleats, knotting them furiously with my hands that I had now realised were shaking.

“She seemed to have a pretty good idea, we’ve all seen you’ve been checked out recently. I get if you don’t want to talk about it now around the girls. You seem to be having a bad day. So how about you get yourself through training and then you and I have a chat in private?”

It was phrased as a question but nothing about how she’d said the words came out as a proposition, it was an order. I would have tried to object but I knew it would be useless, Sam had made her mind up and once Sam had made up her mind there was no changing it.

“Sounds good skipper.”

My voice was nothing but dripping with sarcasm, it was my only way of pushing out my very clear distaste with the idea of having to talk to Sam after training. As soon as Sam stood up and I’d checked that both of my cleats were on properly I marched right over to Ellie, pulling her away from the conversation she was in and back over to my locker.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are but telling on me to cap isn’t going to get you fucking brownie points with me, we aren’t friends Ellie, we’re not sleepover buddies. I am working tooth and nail here to be fucking respected and I just got a proper emotional dressing down from Kerr that was pretty much just her telling me that I needed to get my act together. If that doesn’t scream out not fucking respected than I don’t know what does.”

I watched all of the colour drain from Ellie’s face as she slowly became far more uncomfortable in the conversation. She wasn’t backing down though.

“I don’t know what fucking planet you are on y/n/n but we are just looking out for you. I hear you at night in the bathroom, sobbing and balling your eyes out. That doesn’t scream out okay to me. Sam wasn’t giving you a dressing down she was asking you if you were fucking okay, something that we’ve all wanted to do for a few weeks now, we were just all scared to because we thought you were going to rip our heads off, like you are doing to me right now. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about you right now because how you’ve been behaving as of late isn’t fucking normal and anybody in there right mind would be worried about you.”

Ellie and I’s argument had escalated enough that I could tell most of the locker room's attention had fallen to our heated conversation, neither of us were ready to back down though and that much was evident in how strong both of our glares at each other held.

“Fuck you, you aren’t the person who gets to decide whether or not I’m okay or not. So what if I’ve been keeping to myself? Maybe I needed some down time away from this fucking extroverted team that never gives me a fucking break.”

It was a personal dig, one that I had said far too loudly in a crowded room of girls that I actually really loved, it had been like word vomit though, getting thrown out in me and Ellie’s fight.

“That’s not fair and you know it, all anybody here has done is be nice to you and you’ve been a fucking dick to everyone for the last few weeks, it’s not normal. You were so happy at training camp but ever since we’ve gotten here you’ve lost your shit and it’s fucking pathetic because we are your team and family and you should trust us more than anybody else but you don’t you don’t give two shits about anybody here besides yourself and we can all see it. It’s embarrassing having your represent us in your current condition. Your a wreck. You didn’t deserve to be brought up from the under 20’s. Maybe if you spent less time in our bathroom at nighttime crying about how hard your sorry ass life was you’d realise there are people and things on earth that are more fucking important than you are.”

Ellie’s words had taken the air out of my lungs, it wasn’t what I’d expected and even her facial expression reflected that she was a little bit taken aback by her own words. They were personal, really personal. I blinked a few times, trying to get a footing in the conversation but I couldn’t, because what was I supposed to say to a person accusing me of being a selfish heartless team mate? Me and Ellie stood stock still, just staring at each other, both of us obviously waiting for the other to keep talking but neither of us could.

“Ellie Madison Carpenter, out on the field, right now.”

Steph’s voice echoed against the walls of the changerooms, everyone else was standing completely silent and still in the room. I looked around the locker rooms, aware that literally everyone besides Sam who had left the locker rooms after her talk to me had just heard Ellie’s speech. I was too shocked to do anything besides plaster my hand against my mouth and run directly into the bathroom that connected to the change rooms. I did my best to not let any tears fall until I’d locked the disabled bathroom door behind me and I’d slid down onto the floor. Was that actually what the team thought of me? That I was a selfish, useless, coldhearted bitch who was just here for herself? Ellie’s words had hurt my heart and soul, because I didn’t play for myself, I hadn’t ever.

I consciously could hear the frantic knocking on the bathroom door but my subconscious was doing its best to tune it out.

“Y/n, open the door, please.”

“Fucking Ellie, that kid has no fucking filter.”

“How are we supposed to explain to Cap that she locked herself in the bathroom?”

“Fuck we were supposed to be on the field five minutes ago, Tony is going to have a field day giving us fucking suicide sprints.”

Those were a few of the sentences that I made out through the door. They were enough to tell me that I needed to get my shit together, because one thing I couldn’t handle on top of the team thinking I was all of those things was the team thinking I was the fucking emotional mess that everyone seemed to think I was. So after letting whatever tears I had left fall, I flushed the toilet, in an attempt to try and disguise the sound of me furiously washing the redness off of my face then I walked towards the door, took a deep breath and unlocked it. Hailey and Macka were both waiting outside and were very clearly surprised by my exit from the bathroom.

“Alanna, don’t worry about getting skip, she’s out.”

I bit the inside of my mouth again, satisfied with the irony taste of my own blood filling my mouth.

“Sorry, just feeling a little bit sick.”

It was very clear none of them believed my excuse. I tried to push past them though, trying my hardest to avoid whatever awkward confrontation that I was apparently bound to, because both Ras and Mackenzie stopped me before I could take a step.

“Y/n. What Ellie said wasn’t true and it’s okay for you to feel emotions about that, she let the heat of the moment get to her.”

I gulped, swallowing the mixture of blood and sweat that was resonating in my mouth.

“I told you, I feel sick. I don’t give a shit what Ellie has to say, she’s very welcome to her own opinions, this is a free country, she has an issue I’d rather her say it to my face.”

My words were faulty, untrustworthy, like ice that was slowly cracking.

“You are allowed to be upset at her for saying that about you, it was mean and she was trying to get to you. It’s okay for you to have emotions about that.”

I pursed my lips, I hated confrontation. Confrontation was terrifying.

“I told you I just felt sick, I still do. I need to go talk to Tony, can I leave or am I being held hostage until I talk about emotions that I don’t have or feel right now?”

Hayley and Mackenzie both looked between each other, trying to think up another plan of attack but clearly not finding anything telepathically between themselves.

“You are free to go, we’re here for you if you need to talk.”

I rolled my eyes at the two of them.

“Thanks, I’ll keep a mental note next time I need a therapist to talk about my nonexistent selfish feelings with.”

The sarcasm rolled off of my tongue too easily as I walked out of the locker rooms and into the tunnel, slowly making my way out onto the field. It was night training, so the ground was cold and the bright white fluorescent lights were blaring down across the pitch. I looked out across the ground, the girls had already started running whatever drills they’d been instructed to start with which led me to ask myself the question of how long had I actually locked myself in that bathroom for?

I made my way straight over to Tony who was looking at me in that way he tended to when he was thinking about something.

“Ms y/l/n.”

He smiled at me, a little bit too kindly for my liking.

“Coach, I’m feeling a bit sick, I think I might have eaten something funny this morning, probably that granola that looked like it had been sitting out for a little bit to long, I think I should probably just rest for tonight, unless you want a granola vomit mess to deal with.”

Tony’s eyes studied me, my body language, silently assessing my every move.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with what happened between you and Ms Carpenter?”

Fuck, that was me exposed. I looked down to my cleats, by default, because I couldn’t look into his eyes knowing that he knew I was lying straight to his face.

“She approached me, told me that she’d said some things to a teammate before coming out for warm ups that she was sorry for, that I should sit her out for a game because of it. Wouldn’t tell me who she’d spoken to, which made me think it must have been pretty serious.”

I gulped anxiously, fuck. Fuck Ellie for making this whole night a flaming hot pile of shit.

“It wasn’t anything bad, I feel sick, it’s got nothing to do with Ellie, I’m a big girl, I can handle my own problems, she shouldn’t sit out for a week, we need her.”

I let my eyes cross the field, to where Ellie was, her whole complexion had paled dramatically and she looked like she’d just been on a really high rollercoaster.

“We also need to look out for the safety of our players. I'm going to ask you this once and I want you to tell me the complete truth. Did Ellie personally attack you in the change rooms before training tonight? Don’t lie to me, I’ll ask one of your team mates if you do and I don’t want to hear that their answers were any different to yours.”

I bit down hard on my mouth tissue, there was a part of me that wanted to lie for Ellie, even though it would probably land us in more trouble, there was also a part of me that wanted to hand her in, even though in my eyes she hadn’t really done anything wrong, she’d said her peace.

“We were both giving it to each other, she gave as much as she got. I deserve to sit out a week just as much as she does if we’re referencing words said to each other, we were both rude, we got stuck up in the heat of the moment. I promise you, with every bone in my body that it won’t ever happen again, I swear to you.”

One thing that my brother told me when we were growing up was how to effectively lie. There was an art to the practice of lying. The first rule was body language, everyone had a tell, it was about identifying yours and then figuring out how to stop it or disguise it. For example, my youngest brother would always tap his left foot when he was lying. Rule number two is eye contact. You need to make some, but not so much that it’s creepy. People can tell when you refuse to make eye contact with them, so you need to occasionally. Third is your voice, it needs to be steady, your pitch and tone need to be consistent, one of the easiest tells is a raised voice when you lie. The fourth rule is physical change, this one is probably the hardest, because there isn’t anything you can do to stop yourself if you get clammy hands when you are lying, you just have to disguise it. The fifth and final rule is words, you need to use enough that your sentences are coherent but don’t over-sell yourself, summarise what needs to be said, instead of reading off a whole backstory.

I’d broken number five and two whilst talking to Tony and I could tell that he was picking up on it. He looked between me and the field before calling over one of my teammates.

“Mary, can I have you for a second.”

I gulped down the lump that was forming in the back of my throat when Fowler finished off the drill she was doing and ran over to the sideline to stand beside the coach and I.

“What can I do for you, coach?”

He smiled at her, I’d very quickly noticed that Mary was one of his favourites, rightfully so. She was a hard worker but she was also kind, Matilda’s captain material for the future.

“Can you give me a run down of what happened in the lockers before training between Ellie and y/n, from my understanding there was a small altercation, but both of them aren’t telling me the whole story and I don’t have time for beating around the bush.”

I looked at Mary, silently praying for her to downplay it, maybe she hadn’t heard much of it. She was the one to pick if you wanted an honest answer, she couldn’t lie for the life of her, I knew that much. She bit her lip subtly, thinking thoroughly before she said anything.

“None of us heard how it started, we all knew that y/n/n was the one to drag Ellie over to her locker after Cap spoke to her. They were arguing, it seemed harmless. Until Ellie was yelling in y/n/n’s face.”

Tony nodded at her inquisitively, clearly very invested in what she had to say.

“Did you hear what Ms Carpenter was saying to Ms y/l/n?”

I gulped, shaking my head as subtly as I could at Mary, this whole encounter was a headache.

“Look, it’s not really something I’m comfortable with repeating.”

I knew Mary was trying to be helpful but I also knew that statement was going to backfire on her because it made the whole situation sound a lot worse than it was.

“Mary, if you don’t tell me I will get someone else too, please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

Mary herself gulped anxiously, her eyes frantically darting between Tony and myself. I nodded at her, clearly seeing her distress and just giving her the permission to say her peace, because apparently it was going to get said anyways.

“She was yelling at y/n/n about how y/n/n was selfish and didn’t give a shit about anybody beside herself. I heard her using something about y/n crying in their bathroom at night against her, saying that she was too worried or self obsessed to care about anyone else on the team. I wasn’t close enough though to tell you exactly what either of them said. I was on the other side of the room, Steph was the closest, if you want information I’d be asking her, not me.”

I could feel my hands shaking in my pockets, this whole situation was giving me anxiety.

“Okay then, thank you, can you go fetch Steph for me, just tell her to come over here.”

Mary nodded at coach, before sending me a silent sorry smile before running back out onto the pitch.

Coach pointed to the bench that was on the sidelines a few feet behind us, silently motioning for me to follow him and take a seat down on it.

“Based on what I’ve just been told, I think that Ellie should sit out for a week, her behaviour towards you was unacceptable and she needs to understand there are repercussions for those kinds of situations. Y/n I know that you’ve struggled to find your footing in the team, I’ve seen you struggling with your mental health. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about it or if you need help. If those struggles mean that you need to separate yourself from the team then that is what you do, regardless of the decisions you make you are a valued member on this team and you don’t deserve to be verbally assaulted because Ellie has a problem with you.”

I pursed my lips, I didn’t think I’d been verbally assaulted, if anything I’d started it.

“Coach, I started it with Ellie. She didn’t even mean what she said, we need her this week, it’s an important game that we can’t afford to have her miss. I don’t want to be the reason we lose this week just because me and Ellie had a minor altercation, it was nothing.”

I couldn’t ignore the deep frown on his face, it was a mixture of concern and disappointment and it went straight to my heart.

“Coach? Mary said you need to speak to me?”

Both of our heads snapped up at the sudden sound of Steph’s voice. She was standing about a foot away from us, her brow furrowed in my direction.

“Steph, yes, I’m just having some trouble understanding the altercation that went down before warm ups with Ms Carpenter and Ms y/l/n. Ms y/l/n is trying to take the whole blame for it and I don’t really believe the whole story that she’s giving me, so if you could please give me some insight it would be much appreciated, as I am taking this very seriously.”

Steph’s eyes went straight to mine, she was my fellow Arsenal team mate, probably the only person on our Matilda’s squad who I could actually call my friend. She was frowning at me deeply, trying to study my facial expression.

“Y/l/n started it, she pulled Ellie up after having a chat with skipper, but from what I heard she was more just annoyed that Ellie had told skipper about some of her more concerning habits. Ellie was mad about being pulled up on it, typical Ellie fashion she took it to heart and she made it personal. I do recall her calling saying something along the lines of if y/n spent less time in their bathroom at nighttime crying about how ‘hard’ her sorry ass life was then she’d realise there were people and things on earth that are more fucking important than you she was, Ellie also made a lot of comments about y/n/n being a selfish person who didn’t give a shit about any of the people around her. Y/n/n might have technically started it but in her defence she didn’t say anything personal or wrong to Ellie, she was just voicing her annoyance about Ellie telling on her to Sam, Ellie was trying to voice her concerns over Y/n/n but it came out wrong and she was trying to make light of a situation that was not hers to talk about in a public space, it was unprofessional and distasteful behaviour from both of them but Ellie was the one who escalated it and made it worse. All y/n really did was tell Ellie to leave her alone and stop pushing, when Ellie did push too far y/n rushed to the bathroom and locked herself in there. Ellie’s behaviour was unacceptable to say the least and I’ve told her, I’m sure Sam will as well once I talk to her about it. I’ve told Ellie she has to apologise to y/n/n and that kind of behaviour won’t be tolerated towards anybody let alone her own teammate.”

Steph’s rundown of the situation was more factual and foolproof then any of the other versions Gustavsson had received and I knew that he was going to believe everything she’d told him.

“Okay, thank you, I really appreciate your transparency on the situation. I made the right call making you interim captain whilst Sam was out. That’s all I should need for now, feel free to go back to what you were doing, I’ll be out there in a minute.”

Once Steph was out of earshot Tony turned to me, clearly a little bit taken aback by all of the information he’d just absorbed.

“You are going to sit out tonight, call it sickness or whatever you please. I want you to stay and watch though, you should be here and you deserve to be here. I’m going to talk to Ellie after training, and just because you don’t seem to want her sitting out I’ll see how remorseful she is and make my roster decision for this weekend based off of that. I know she’s your teammate and you feel like you are taking one for the team by enabling her behaviour towards you and maybe it was a one off, just a heat in the moment thing as you called it. Maybe it wasn’t though, I’m not going to take chances. I want you to think about your own actions as well, think about how you could have dealt with that situation more effectively. Once training’s over you are going to head back to the hotel with the girls and you are going to spend time with them, proper bonding time.”

I nodded at coach, I didn’t have it in me to argue with him.

“Coach, I’m rooming with her.”

It was my main concern, not that Ellie scared me, I’d pretty much ignored her the whole tournament, not that she spent a lot of time in our room anyways, she spent all of her free time until curfew in other teammates rooms.

“Talk to Kerr about it, get her to switch them around, I’m sure it’s not that difficult. Switch rooms, relax for the night, get some sleep, be back here tomorrow. I don’t care whether or not you feel up to training, just be here. This team is your family and whether or not it feels like it they care a lot about you, they are here to support you if you let them. Sometimes you just need to take the leap of faith.”

I nodded at coach. He was a gentle soul, a good one. He reached over to me, offering me a hug and I took it, letting him wrap his arms around my shoulders. It was nice, it didn’t last long but it felt nice. Once he was done giving me a hug he stood up and followed Steph out onto the field.

I found myself gravitating to a spot directly on the sideline, where our team manager was stationed. She didn’t ask any questions as I sat down on the frosty grass beside her station, I was grateful for that much. I hadn’t talked to her much but she seemed lovely and in the very little interactions I had had with her she had gone above and beyond to make me comfortable in whatever we were doing.

I spent my training, sitting on the grass, watching the team as they ran through a few drills and plays before moving into a full scrimmage. I kept my body tucked in, my knees to my chest, my puffer jacket and hoodie wrapped tightly around my legs and torso to pull my knees even further into my chest. It was a blessing that they’d designed waterproof sweatpants, because I would have probably had a cold and wet ass if they hadn’t. Somewhere along the way our team manager offered me a packet of gummy bears and I couldn’t find it in me to decline her offer, so I snacked on the gelatinous pieces of sugar whilst I watched the training slowly come to an end.

They finished with PK’s and then concluded the session. I stayed seated in my little spot, I hoped that no one had spotted me and maybe if I waited for everyone to slip off the field and into the locker rooms I would just be able to hop onto the bus without being detected. My plan pretty much backfired immediately when a certain captain beelined directly towards me, clearly I hadn’t gone unnoticed to her. I grimaced as she got closer to my spot, my spot that my head had deemed as a safe spot from the rest of my teammates.

Sam didn’t even acknowledge me to begin with, instead turning her attention to our team manager, making pretty common conversation with her. She spoke to her for a few minutes, it was afternoon tea talk, just bullshit. Sam’s specialty. Eventually when she finished up she looked down at me, an eyebrow raised. She motioned for me to stand up and follow her, so stupidly, like a puppy, I did. My muscles were cold and I’d be lying if I said that getting up from the ground hadn’t been a little bit harder than I’d predicted. I managed though and caught up to Sam, following after her as she walked back down the tunnel but instead of turning into the locker rooms we kept walking down the corridor until we came to the video review room. It was pretty much just a conference room, one big room with a bunch of tables and chairs that we used to scout and review our own games. Sam closed the blinds to the room, so no bye passers could see in and turned the lights on.

She seated herself at one of the tables, gesturing for me to do the same, so I did. The first thing Sam did was pull out her phone and start typing something or another before looking up at me.

“Steph told me about what happened between you and Ellie.”

I gulped, biting my lip as I tried my hardest to maintain my eye contact with Sam, I wasn’t going to break, not again. I watched as Sam’s finger made its way to her mouth and she bit down on her nail in a questioning kind of way that I couldn’t explain even if I tried.

“I started it, I was pissed off at her for ratting on me to you.”

My honesty would be appreciated, I knew that Sam valued honesty above anything else.

“I don’t really care who started it, I care about togetherness, you know that. This team needs one thing, cohesion. I don’t care who started it, I care about who the problem was and in that situation it was Ellie, she said things that she had no business saying, with the intention of hurting you. That’s enough to tell me that in that situation she was prepared to jeopardise our team just so she could tear down one of our own. I’ve recommended to Tony that she sits out this week. He told me you were apprehensive about it, I wanted to know why.”

There was a simple answer, and a more complex answer, a part of me knew which one Sam wanted.

“Short answer, Ellie is a crucial part of our team, we need her. Long answer, I don’t think she did anything wrong.”

Sam looked up at me, a little bit shocked.

“Look y/n, it’s clear there's been a lot on your mind recently. A lot that you clearly aren’t prepared to share, and that's okay. I saw on the sideline tonight, you looked like you were mentally in a different place, like you were really worried thinking about something and you’ve been like that for a few weeks. I know that you have trust issues, that you are finding it hard to slot into this team because you are scared to be vulnerable. I am here for you, I won’t judge you, I will help you with whatever you need help with, because I can tell there is something and until you do seek out help for it it is only going to destroy you further.”

Sam’s words receded in me, because she was so right that I couldn’t even try to deny it.

“Am I a selfish player and teammate?”

The words felt so raw coming out of my throat, it was something that Ellie had said that had stuck with me.

“No, I can honestly tell you you aren’t. You play football with so much grace and kindness that sometimes it drives me up the wall watching you help up your opponents who have tripped over. You aren’t a selfish person either, you are more reserved, that doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you self aware, there is a big difference.”

I nodded at Sam, not sure what else there was for me to do. Her words were full of so much wisdom, so much insight. I still couldn’t find it in me to believe them fully though, my self deprecating brain not welcome to accepting any kind of form of praise.

“Look, change is hard. You are young, inexperienced. Staying somewhere that you’ve outgrown though is only going to destroy you. I know this is a big jump, I wouldn’t have reccomended for you to be here though if I didn’t think it was the right fit. You are a world class player, and a genuinely good person. When you smile, it lights up a room. Your laugh is contagious. It’s clear that you’ve never been cared for properly, never let yourself. You have a family now though y/n. You have people that you can go to when you are having a bad day, people that are going to love you no matter what. Use that, take advantage of it. A team doesn’t function without trust.”

There was something about Sams words that told me she actually understood what I was going through, she was dancing on a line of relating to me and giving me advice, the line was a little bit blurred though.

“Do you trust me?”

I let Sam’s words hang in the air for a few seconds, it took me a little while to formulate a reponse.

“I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.”

Sam’s eyes, those brown orbs spoke to me, more than any words ever could to me.

“You don’t think people care for you.”

“Why would people care for me?”

There was so much insecurity behind the words, years of it all built up.

“I care, I’ll always care. Everyone should have somebody to care for them.”

“You have to care, your my captain.”

It was the last bit of defiance leaving my body, the last of my barriers being used.

“Partly, yes. It’s sort of my job. But I save it for the ones who need it and you seem to be in need.”

I rolled my eyes, another defence mechanism that I used to deflect, to avoid my emotions.

“I don’t need help.”

“Maybe not, but when you’re born in a burning house you think the whole world is on fire until someone shows you it isn’t.”

I didn’t fully understand her cryptic but I got the general idea.

“You implying I was born in a burning house?”

Sam’s head tilted, like she wasn’t denying my statement but also didn’t agree with it fully.

“I’m implying that you are here for a reason. That we are all here for different reasons, different driving factors. The difference between you and some of the other girls is that you are letting your past define you, when it doesn’t. The best part of being here is that when you are out on the pitch nobody cares about anything else, nobody could care less about what’s happened in your personal life. Use that, use that to be happy, to find your motivation. Trust me? Let me show you that this team isn’t just a group of girls, it can be your family if you want it to be.”

I looked at Sam flatly trying to figure out how serious she was, when he face didn’t falter I realised how serious she was and that scared me a little bit. I didn’t know if I was ready for that, ready for a family, ready to feel loved and appreciated. It wasn’t soemthing I’d ever really experienced.

“Y’know that it shouldn’t seem remarkable to you that people who love and care for you actually want to treat you well.”

Those words were the straw that broke my back. I couldn’t help but feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“y/n,” Sam’s voice drew my eyes up to her own “You are allowed to cry.”

I shook my head at her, bringing the sleeve of my jumper up to my eyes to rub at the tears escaping my eyes.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you though?”

It was the amount of questioning behind her face that threw me off, I knew she didn’t believe me but the amount of concern laced into her facial expression hit some place in my heart I didn’t know I had.

“You know that it’s okay to not be fine all the time. You are allowed to have feelings, to feel things other than numb. Look, feeling hurts. Life is pain, life is suffering. Being alive hurts, it’s horror and it sucks. But you are alive and it’s spectacular and brilliant because instead of just living you are alive.”

I continued rubbing at my eyes, trying my best to stop any of the tears running down my face.

“I’ll think about it cap, I think it’s about time for me to head back to the hotel.”

Before I could get up and completely leave the room Sam got in her final words.

“There are poeple around that would miss you y/n/n, people who would be gutted if anything ever happened to you. Just think about that.”

[coolcattime]

Home and Free: Chapter Fifteen - Wait and See, A Few Days More

Characters: Captain Capsize, Sonja Firefox, Skipper Redbeard, Jordan Captainsparklez, Tucker Jericho, Tom Syndicate, Martha the Mystic, Mot Screziato, Alyssa Countybat, Waglington, Farmer Steve, Prince Andor, Jeriah, Lady Ianite (mentioned)

Relationship: Captain Capsize/Sonja Firefox, Captain Capsize/Jordan Captainsparklez (onesided)

AO3 Link

Full Story Tag

A few days later, Sonja was doing her best to sort through the mess that her old workshop had become. She knew it was beyond far too late to regret the state she had allowed the west wing to fall into but ruining the cleaning enchantments in her initial rage and frustrations had been in retrospect a stupid decision.

The whole wing was currently covered in dust and broken glass and her workshop was entirely disorganised after being used as a den rather than a study for far too long. How had she been fine to let it fester like this for years?

However, she was not allowing herself to linger and focus on such self-loathing thoughts at the current moment. She was instead thoroughly focused on clearing some space in her workspace.

The room already looked far more welcoming than it had when Capsize explored it. Though the place was still damaged, she’d managed to at least clean up a bit. And she’d gotten the lights working. With warm lighting it didn’t seem nearly as much of a horror show as it had previously. Though, Sonja was only really concerned with making it a good space to work in.

It had been a good long while since she had created a magical item from scratch. Honestly, she was beyond nervous of actually beginning the process, which was a large part of why she was still trying to clear up and make the space look nice rather than actually beginning. This had to go well.

She knew that at this point she was just procrastinating, but even if she did feel ready, she didn’t want to start while being watched. That was proving to be a problem as currently with her in her study was Martha and Mot. She had no desire to work in front of them, mostly out of fear of what had become of her skills, but she also didn’t particularly want to ask them to leave when they were in the middle of a conversation.

“So, you don’t care that she’s Ianite’s messenger,” Martha questioned. As much as Sonja bristled at it, she could exactly blame the clock for asking. The idea of what would’ve happened if she’d learnt of Capsize’s title in those first few days came into her head in terrible bursts. She’d just been desperately trying not to think about it. Still though she bristled.

Obviously, she didn’t care about her title. She wasn’t that anger-consumed monster that she had been. She wasn’t going to ruin everything because of a detail that didn’t matter. Capsize was her friend and she trusted her. If Lady Ianite had sent her here, she would’ve said so. All her confession had done was confirm that the goddess had hurt yet another person that she cared about.

“No, she’s my friend. Her title isn’t going to change that. Besides, it isn’t as if Lady Ianite has been kind to her,” She replied, muttering the latter part. Though, it was an unnecessary addition. She wouldn’t have cared even if she was still on good terms with the goddess, or at least she desperately hoped that she wouldn’t have. Not that it mattered, hearing how distressed Capsize had been by her goddess’ actions, it was impossible to be upset by her title.

“Yes, it is rather unbelievable how the goddess seems to be acting,” Martha said. As Sonja looked at her cursed form, she could also see her nonchalantly playing with hair that she didn’t currently have. There was something she was hiding. So much was incredibly obvious, but Sonja wasn’t particularly in the mood for a long and confusing conversation.

“You only just started thinking that?” Mot said dryly.

Sonja wasn’t able to stop herself from snorting. Even with her head turned back to her desk, she could sense Martha’s eyes rolling. The conversation felt so ordinary, like how it felt before the curse though somewhat softer than they were towards the end. No one was actually snapping at each other. No one seemed exhausted.

“Of course not. I’m not oblivious,” Martha retorted. To one unfamiliar with the woman, this would sound like the start of a fight. However, both Mot and Sonja knew her well enough to know this was simply how she spoke. She might be agitated, but not at them. Rather at someone who could not hear and likely did not care. “But to actively ignore her own messenger after an injury is still… It feels worse than what she did to us.”

“I don’t think we should go around saying it in front of the others, but you’ve got a point,” Mot knew that objectively speaking, the curse was worse. However, hearing all that Lady Ianite had been doing with her own followers since left a particularly bad taste in his mouth.

She was seemingly letting her own champion do whatever the hell he wanted, given how much Capsize seemed to dislike the man. That was enough to make the goddess a hypocrite in his eyes, given how she had judged Sonja for an act of cruelty. However, the fact that Ianite had seemingly just abandoned her own messenger sparked a different kind of distaste. It left the same bad taste in his mouth that Dianite having not spoken to Tom since the curse had begun.

The curse was cruel in the way that one expected of a god: world shaking and terrible but not a betrayal. It certainly felt personal and an extremely over the top punishment to inflict on a teenager, but Sonja hadn’t had any thoughts on the goddess previously, hadn’t expected anything from her. The abandonments, though? They felt far too human a cruelty.

It’s because she didn’t do anything to deserve it. Sonja thought, though she didn’t dare to actually say the words out loud. She didn’t want to imply, even accidently, that anyone but herself had done anything to deserve this terrible fate. However, it didn’t stop her from knowing that truth. The reason what Ianite had done to Capsize felt different was that she hadn’t done anything to deserve her abandonment meanwhile she had deserved at least some punishment for what she had done that night.

“Just another thing to confront her about when the curse is broken,” Sonja muttered. It was not a statement intended to be heard, her voice barely even audible. But her words were heard.

The clock and the snuffbox looked at each other, unsure if they should voice their shock out loud. Never had they heard Sonja say the word ‘when’ in relation to the curse being broken. At best she said ‘if’, but more typically when talking about it, they’d receive a pained look that portrayed her disbelief of the possibility of the idea.

Mot smiled. It was half hidden by the jewels that adorned him in this form, but it was a true moment of heartwarming joy. The princess finally seemed to have hope.

“Ah! Here they are,” Sonja said as she finally found her tools. They, of course, had been doing nothing but gathering dust, but this was hopefully one of those things that she hadn’t forgotten. Well, at least she had some time to practise if it turned out her skills at crafting magical objects had faded over time.

“Are you sure that you really need to give her another gift?” Martha questioned. It felt a little backwards to Sonja. Surely, Martha should be encouraging her to get closer to Capsize in any way possible.

Though, she supposed that none of what she was doing was in any way close to traditional courting methods. Sonja obviously still remembered all the rules of courting that had been drilling into her head when she had been becoming a teenager. She knew all the ways that it was supposed to work.

But Capsize was not a noble and seemed to have neither knowledge of nor care for said rules. As such it seemed utterly pointless to follow them, especially given the ever-dwindling time limit. However, now was also not the time to be petulant.

“It’s for the solstice. She’s giving me a gift too,” She said. It was different from the flower and the library. It was a holiday. Gifts were both expected and a traditional part of it. “But if you think it’s too much, you can be the one to tell Tom.”

“Well, just make sure it’s small. You don’t want her to get overwhelmed,” Martha said, rather more softly than she typically would.

She still feared this all falling apart. She knew that, at this point, that was a rather illogical fear. The two women had clearly been making progress with each other, and quite clearly saw each other as friends. But rather unfortunately, friendship was not enough in their current circumstances, and as such her nerves were stuck.

She knew that being discouraging would not help matters, though. Progress was being made and spirits were far higher than they had ever been, so she was doing her best to bite down her worries so as to not dampen the mood.

“Of course, it’ll just be a traditional sort of gift for the solstice,” Sonja said with a smile. Her tone was so calm that one could almost be convinced that she was merely doing this to keep Tom happy.

This satisfied Martha enough, though she had a feeling that it would not merely be a traditional gift. Arguing about it would get her nowhere and if they were serious about celebrating this holiday, there were things she needed to make sure were in order.

Mot watched her leave, but did not follow after her. He did have his own plans to help set things in place for the celebration, but he didn’t want to leave Sonja just yet. Not when it was infinitely clear that she was not planning on creating something small.

“Really? You’re making a traditional solstice gift?” He said with a slight chuckle. She was pulling out tools and materials to make a magic item for the first time in years. There was absolutely no way that any project she was planning was small or simple.

“It’ll be handmade and be easily held in her hands. That’s the traditional description Tom gave me,” Sonja said, turning to him with a look that he hadn’t seen from her in well over a decade. She was smirking, an actual smirk. He almost laughed. Beyond the progress of the relationship that they were all watching with bated breath, he was seeing another type of positive progress.

Even if she was still stuck in an inhuman form, he could look at her and see her true self. It would be enough to make him cry if he still could. “It’s her first time celebrating, she deserves something special.”

“I’m sure anything you could give her would be special,” He said, expecting an eye roll. Instead, he saw a tiny smile that was quickly hidden.

It was a reaction that bloomed as much hope as it did worry. Clearly, whenever she was actively trying or not, Sonja was closer to breaking the curse than she ever believed herself capable of. And Mot knew that he should see that as an inarguably good thing. However, this curse required two to break.

If someone asked Mot, he would without question say that if anyone was going to break the curse, it would be Capsize. He did not have the unending confidence that Tom possessed but he was optimistic, and he saw how the two were beginning to look at each other. However, he could not stop his worry from festering.

He had always known that, in the worst world where the curse was not broken, that the night where that final petal fell would be terrible. Now though, it had become even worse. The idea of Sonja needing to deal with heartbreak on top of failure would be more devastating than anything he ever wanted her to suffer. He could only pray that his fears would not come to pass.

Thankfully, Sonja was not privy to these thoughts. Indeed, she had only heard the words that he had actually said out loud, words that had finally given her the confidence boost she needed to stop procrastinating. Though, there was one more thing she needed to do within her preparation, the part that she was by far the most nervous about.

She took a breath. She still heavily disliked having to use the mirror, needing to look at herself was still somewhat painful, but she could do it for the few moments that she’d need to.

She picked up the mirror and once again found herself looking into it. Once again looking at a face that wasn’t hers, that wasn’t human. Her hatred for it still hadn’t left, and she doubted that it would ever fade. However, if Capsize could look at her and smile, maybe it wasn’t so terrible.

But she wasn’t using the mirror to look at herself.

“Show me Capsize’s ship.”

🌹 🌹 🌹

Across the castle, Capsize sat in the kitchen absentmindedly preparing ingredients. It was the sort of thing that she no longer needed to focus on, especially with the aid of a sentient stove doing the bulk of the hard tasks of cooking, which was good. If she did need to concentrate, the way that Tom was talking would be impossibly distracting.

“How come you’ve never mentioned this before?!” The candelabra exclaimed as he hopped across the countertop. He had already been overly excitable these past few days as he got closer to once again celebrating the solstice. The fact that it was going to be Capsize’s first time celebrating only grew his excitement all the more. Every small detail he got to help to plan and set up did so too. He felt more alive than he had in years, and Tom had never particularly lacked energy.

His excitement had once again increased when he had learnt that Sonja and Capsize were making each other presents. Even if he couldn’t join in with the tradition, he was going to do anything he could to help them with making their presents for each other. And now he knew what Capsize was going to give as a present. Needless to say, his excitement about the holiday was now mixing with the excitement of the potential he saw for the curse breaking into one giant energetic mess.

Steve could already tell that he was going to be insufferable for the next week.

“It just never crossed my mind,” Capsize shrugged. Obviously, she had shared a good amount of her life with Tom and Sonja, but certain things just hadn’t come up yet. While, admittedly, some of those things were things that she had little want to share, this one was not one of them. She just hadn’t thought about it until the concept of a handmade gift came up. “I haven’t sketched in years. I hadn't even thought about it until I needed to make a gift.”

In all honesty, she was quite nervous about the idea. That was why she was currently cooking rather than actually attempting any art. Her sketches weren’t things that she had shared with people before, and she honestly felt odd calling them anything even close to art. Yet, she quite liked the idea of drawing for Sonja. Though, no matter how warm a feeling it gave her, she couldn’t stop herself from completely overthinking the idea.

“Well, still think you should’ve told me. You could’ve drawn me!” Tom said in such a tone that it was impossible to tell if he was being serious or not.

Capsize shook her head but continued to smile, giving Tom the notion that she might actually be considering his not-quite request. This only increased his excitement, as he hopped closer to Capsize. “Wait! You should draw me! I’ve never had a portrait done!”

“Ah yes, I’m sure that a portrait of you is exactly what Sonja wants as a present,” Steve muttered in a deadpan tone.

Tom looked at him with a frown, or rather a pout, on his metal features.

Steve just rolled his eyes.

For all his investment in getting romance going, it seemed that Tom had immediately forgotten about said goal now that a holiday involving his god had come up. While Steve could hope that meant that romance was progressing so well that they no longer needed prodding forward in that regard, he doubted that was why Tom was suddenly no longer fixated on it.

“Come on, let me dream,” Tom said, though he had no idea if Steve would play along with him. It had all been a bit more random since the curse. The stove still certainly had a soft spot for him but given his current form and the circumstances behind him being in the kitchen the night of the curse, he also got annoyed at him far more than he used to.

But still, he still liked Tom enough to not drive him out the kitchen anytime he entered, so it seemed it was still very much in Steve’s good books.

“I think you’d be disappointed if I tried,” Capsize said with a light-hearted enough laugh that her words almost didn’t sound self-deprecating. She certainly wasn’t trying to be, she was just nervous about any potential skills she might have.

She hadn’t sketched since she had come to the town. She’d considered it, but her sketches had always been a part of her travel journals. Doing them when her ability to travel had been ripped away from her had felt frankly depressing.

That and it was truly a private hobby to her. She hadn’t even told Red about it, so the idea of sketching where people who she’d have to see every day might see her doing so scared her far more than it logically should.

She also would’ve needed to ask Red to get her supplies and that had always left her distinctly uncomfortable for a reason she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Just an uncomfortable mix of anxieties. A little from the mere idea of having to tell him of her hobby which would lead to questions as to how he hadn’t known in the first place. But mostly from the idea of having to ask for something just for her own happiness.

Anxieties had eaten away at her until she had decided to especially abandon the hobby instead. Though, being out of practice wasn’t the reason for her words.

“I’ve only ever drawn landscapes. I imagine if I tried to draw a person, it’ll turn out a mess.”

“I mean, I’m more landscape than person in terms of art, aren’t I?” Tom prodded, just about managing to keep his tone sounding cocky and carefree despite his nerves from her statement.

He knew, undoubtedly, that Capsize was growing suspicious of them just being enchanted objects. But he needed to know how close she actually was to questioning about their true forms.

In a way, he was fine with her finding everything out. It’d make everything easier as they’d no longer have to watch everything they said. But he knew the truth was a story that Sonja needed to tell, so he had to hope that Capsize wasn’t about to ask the question he was sure was building in her mind.

He just had to hope that it had been a slip on her end. Or he was missing something about art. That seemed likely. It wasn’t exactly something he was knowledgeable about.

Capsize found her words frozen on her tongue as she tried desperately to contemplate them carefully. The statement had spilled out so naturally. After all, appearances aside, the residents of the castle were people. The idea that drawing the majority of them would be more akin to a still life than a portrait felt utterly wrong.

Though, as she looked at Tom’s grin, she realised he himself may not even believe his words. He just wanted her to draw him.

“Fine. I’ll consider it,” She said, still more happy than exasperated. Tom counted that as a win, though he could sense that she still had more to say. “But there won’t be any sketches if I don’t find supplies. If you want to be drawn, you can help.”

“Oh! Absolutely! There’s…” Despite his immediate enthusiasm, Tom actually had absolutely no idea where he might find art supplies.

There had been portrait artists that had come through to paint Sonja throughout the years, and they’d always paint her in the same room. There was half a chance that they had left behind some supplies, though he sincerely doubted it.

Capsize quietly sighed at his floundering. It was almost certainly a no.

“Maybe I could just use ink,” She considered out loud, slowly chopping as she thought. It wasn’t a material she particularly wanted to use, with how nervous she was and how permanent it was. But it was at the very least available in plentiful supply.

Steve looked between the two. He knew that there was an obvious answer to this issue. But he certainly didn’t actually want to actually suggest it. He tried to just stare at Tom, as if that would somehow force the candelabra to suggest it for him.

But as he looked at the two of them, he saw them both wearing the same expression. Clearly neither had any idea how to proceed. Unfortunately, it seemed that Tom was not going to remember the solution to this problem.

He bit back his frustration. It’d get him back to being a human. Anything was worth that.

“Waglington should be able to summon art supplies for you,” Steve said, it being surprisingly hard to keep his voice level.

Immediately, Tom did a double take.

“Do my ears deceive me?” He asked in mock shock.

Steve groaned, already not in the mood and regretting saying anything at all. However, no amount of groaning was going to stop Tom from milking this for every ounce of entertainment he could squeeze from it. “Did you, Steve, actually just recommend that we go and talk to Waglington?! Is the world ending?!”

“Look, you need art supplies. The bastard robe should still be able to summon simple objects if he’s got any intelligence left in him. You can light him on fire afterwards for all I care.”

“There’s the Steve I know,” Tom laughed, receiving yet another glare from him.

Capsize ended up watching as the two began to bicker. A small smile grew on her face as she continued prepping her meal. It reminded her of the days on the ship that she missed so much.

She did, as was typical of her time in the castle thus far, end up with more questions than she already had. What precisely the objects were had been on her mind more and more lately. She had begun to consider a terrible possible reality that she really didn’t wish to.

But she didn’t need to consider that right now. Later, certainly, she did want some answers eventually. But eventually was the key word.

For right now, she could just allow her questions to quiet and enjoy the moment.

🌹 🌹 🌹

When the winter solstice came, it was truly picturesque. Snowfall was light, present to make the holiday ‘feel right’ in the words of Tom but light enough that everyone was easily able to go outside. The perfect weather for the holiday if you asked Tom, and even those who didn’t ask were hearing his excited rambling regardless. All his excitement that had been building in the lead up had combined into one giant whirlwind of energy. Needless to say, he had been insufferable for most of the day.

Thankfully, he had in no way put a dampen on the holiday for anyone. After all, if there ever was a day to indulge the champion, it was today. Hence most of the castle’s residents were just smiling through it. It had been a while since they had gotten to celebrate anything, they should let him have his fun.

Meanwhile, his excitement was nothing less than infectious to Capsize. She honestly had had no idea what to expect, but she had spent the day unable to contain her joy. Even without the infectious excitement from Tom, the day felt special in a way that one hadn’t in a long time.

Red decorations had appeared throughout the castle overnight that reminded her of celebrations back on Ianerea. It was so easy to just allow herself to be taken in by the excitement and whimsy and just simply enjoy herself.

Everyone had truly gone all out. After all, it had been so long since they had had anything to celebrate, now that they did, they were going to make the most of it. They could easily justify it with the idea that’d help with breaking the curse, but they were truly just celebrating to celebrate. And that just made the atmosphere all the warmer.

Sonja had been with Capsize the entire day and had been similarly lost in the joy of the holiday. Lost in the joy of finally celebrating something again after so many years of hiding herself away from everything and everyone. Though her mounting happiness wasn’t entirely just due to the holiday. Rather, it was from watching the sheer joy that Capsize was experiencing.

The joy of someone who deserved it more than anything else. It was near magical.

The short day was, as many of their days, mostly composed of Sonja and Capsize feeding off each other’s happiness. But, of course, the day was only a small part of the winter solstice. The true celebration had started once the sun went down.

Sonja and Capsize were now sat outside staring at the fire burning before them. Capsize lent against Sonja’s arm as the two listened to Tom tell the story of the holiday. It was the one he used to tell at the town’s festival, still well practised despite how long it had been since he had told it.

He wondered who had taken over telling it in the town now that he had been forgotten. Tucker? Jordan? Or someone else entirely? He had no idea, and likely was not going to get an answer, but his mind was currently so far from such melancholic thoughts.

How couldn’t it be when he was watching Capsize smile as she lent closer to Sonja? The curse was closer to breaking than ever. He could taste it. Dianite had truly blessed this day.

“And with that flame, the champion restored the sun, finally putting an end to the endless night,” Tom finished the story, feeling truly like a champion as he told such an important story of his Lord.

While he had been quite reassured of his own position when Capsize had unknowingly confirmed that he hadn’t been replaced, he still wondered and feared that Dianite may have forgotten about him due to the curse. In this moment, though, he knew his god was watching him and just hoped he was doing him proud.

Still, he couldn’t stop now. This night was going to be perfect. He’d made sure of it. “And on this night, we light our own flames and wish on them with the hope that the great Lord Dianite will grant our prayers as he did long ago.”

Tom snuffed out one of his own candles somewhat theatrically. This was the bit he had been looking forward to the most. The tradition he had always secretly looked forward to the most. Presents were good, sure, but nothing had more potential than wishes. It helped that as Dianite’s champion, his wishes were surely the most likely to be granted.

Sonja gently nudged Capsize causing her to straighten herself up. As she did, she almost questioned if she should be asking Lord Dianite for anything, but Tom was smiling, and she decided it made sense for the god to be more generous on a day of celebration for him. Even if she didn’t follow him.

As she took a hold of her cane that had been resting beside her on the stone bench, Sonja produced two candles from her pockets. They were thick old things, the kind that she used for rituals. She had been worried at first that they’d be a particular type of candle that was meant to be used, but both Mot and Tom had assured her that the type really didn’t matter. She handed one to Capsize, the candle looking far larger in her hand than it had in her paw.

“You brought them great! Now just light your candle and make a wish,” Tom said. He himself brought his two candles that now acted as his hands together, lighting the one that he had snuffed out. As he did, he wished for the curse to finally be broken.

It was the same wish he had made every year since the curse had begun. Though every year previously, he had been wishing quietly on his own. This year, however, he wasn’t making the wish with a dull hopelessness. He could see it so close to being granted in front of him, he was just asking for a little push.

He smiled up at Capsize, beckoning her closer. “Come on, I’ll light yours.”

“Thank you,” She said quietly. Seeing that Tom was stood on a stone bench like the one she and Sonja had been sat on, she didn’t need to crouch for him to light her candle.

The flame spread from his candle to hers and a new flame began to burn. The candle suddenly felt oddly heavy in her hand, as if its purpose added weight in some way.

“Now just make a wish and leave the candle on the bench. As long as you leave it to go out naturally, the wish’ll come true,” He explained.

Capsize didn’t quite believe that anything could ever be so simple, but she’d spent the day so happy that whether the wish could really come true or not didn’t matter. What was the harm in wishing after all?

As she placed the candle on the stone, she wished with all her heart for Redbeard to be okay. She was safe here now, happy despite everything. Even if there was still some lingering sadness, it was far less than when she had been living in the town. All she wished was that her brother would know that she was okay here and move on with his own life without guilt or worry for her.

It seemed a futile thing to hope for, but she still did.

Sonja looked at Capsize, saw her expression turn serious for the first time that day. She closed her eyes and almost seemed to be praying, a tear blossoming in the corner of her eyes. The Beast reached out, placing a paw on her shoulder. Though, she didn’t dare ask the reason for the tears. Wishes were private things after all. Still, she would offer any comfort that she could provide.

Capsize leaned close to her. Sonja considered wrapping her whole arm around her but thought that felt far too much for the current situation. She just wanted to comfort her, not take advantage of her sadness.

She had no idea how long they stayed in this position. She knew it could not have been an overly long time, but it truly felt like hours before the moment was eventually broken by Tom.

“Ready for your wish, Fluffles?” He said with a softly joking tone. She chuckled, finding comfort in it. It truly felt like everything was normal.

She leaned down, Tom lighting her candle as he had lit Capsize’s.

Sonja took a breath as she thought of her wish. She had no idea if she believed that any of the gods would grant any wish that she had. But she was not wishing for herself, so perhaps they would listen just this once.

Sonja wished for Capsize’s happiness. For Capsize to have all that she wished for and more. For her to have all the answers that she desired and deserved.

Maybe it was selfish of her to not wish for the curse to be broken when it affected so many people. But here in this moment, she could not imagine wishing for anyone else but Capsize.

The two candles were placed next to each other, burning brightly. Neither knew what the other had wished for and neither wanted to know. Wishes were private things, but there was still comfort in knowing that they had not been made alone.

“Well,” Tom said, finally breaking the silence after a number of minutes. He’d done all he needed to and frankly all he could. It was time to leave the two lovebirds to their own devices and hope. “I’m gonna head inside, help anyone in there who wants to make wishes. You two should stay by the fire, enjoy the night. It’s what Dianite would want.”

He didn’t listen to their calls after him as he hopped away, not wanting to be tempted to remain. Because as much as he would like to stay, to continue with the festivities, he knew that any opportunity for the two to bond was ultimately good. Maybe the curse would even break tonight!

With that wishful thought, he entered the castle. He would end up joining Mot and Martha at a window looking out at the two by the fire. Everything had to go well.

Capsize and Sonja had no idea that they were being watched, of course. Nor did the idea so much as broach either one of their minds as they sat back on the bench. For once, Sonja felt no nerves as she sat alone with Capsize.

“Today has been wonderful. I hope the holiday has been enjoyable for you, too,” She said, unable to keep herself from smiling, especially as she watched a similar expression grow on Capsize’s features.

“Of course it’s been enjoyable!” She exclaimed. She had truly had a better time celebrating than she had at any point since she had left the ship. They had made this day beyond wonderful. “But don’t act as if it’s over. We still have the gifts for each other before it can finish.”

“How could I forget?” Sonja said with a slight laugh. The nerves were back again. She’d worked tirelessly on her gifts and though there was a sureness in her that Capsize would enjoy it, that somehow still did not calm her nerves.

Why was she so consumed by nerves whenever she worked to make Capsize happy? Even when she felt so confident, when there weren’t any voices of doubt, there were still butterflies in her stomach. It made no sense to her, none at all. However, she supposed it didn’t need to. She just needed to push past it.

Capsize, though? Capsize struggled to ignore the doubtful voices in her own head. She could do nothing but wonder if the gift she had created was good enough. However, even if she could not ignore them, she was so tired of listening to them.

“If I’m being honest, I’ve been so nervous about giving you this. I’ve… I’ve never shared this particular hobby with anyone before,” She said, her nerves clear in her voice. She took a hold of the wooden box that Tom had insisted she put her gift in and hoped that the nausea she felt was not visible on her face. Her heart was beating in her ears as Sonja took the box from her.

Sonja could feel her eyes boring into her. Not intense but she seemed utterly unable to turn away. Nerves, Sonja recognised, though they felt somewhat wrong on Capsize. After all, there was no chance that she could be disappointed by anything given to her by the woman. But still, there was nothing she could do except open the box.

What greeted her inside the box was a leather-bound book. A journal, she supposed. The sort of thing that mere weeks ago she would’ve been scared to hold for fear of tearing it apart. If she was being completely truthful, she still feared it tearing apart in her claws. But it was a gift, she couldn’t be scared to touch it.

Capsize was struggling to keep her breathing steady. Her nerves felt beyond overwhelming.

So, she carefully took it into her paws, hoping beyond hope that it would not tear. She felt Capsize’s eyes still on her. However, as Sonja opened the book, she found absolutely no reason that Capsize should’ve been nervous at all.

The gift was a sketchbook. Each page had a beautifully detailed sketch she knew must’ve had passion and soul put into. She was beyond terrified to touch the paper, knowing how easy it would be to ruin the whole thing. However, that fear was not nearly large enough to stop her desire to see every image Capsize had created.

There were sketches of things and places she recognised, different rooms in the castle, flowers in the greenhouse, statues that she knew were dotted about the grounds. The view from Capsize’s room also made an appearance, the detail beautiful and intricate.

There were sketches of the other residents of the castle too. Tom, the first to appear, sketched in a moment of pure excitement on a page with one corner lightly singed. But then the others quickly appeared too. Alyssa smiling next to Mot. Martha and Steve together. Andor and Wag had their own sketches too. Despite how none of them were themselves, they all looked so happy to be drawn by Capsize.

She was close to tearing up as she turned to the later pages, to less detailed sketches of places and things she didn’t recognise. Leaves in shapes that didn’t match any of the plants in the area, in the kingdom if Sonja remembered correctly. There were buildings in styles that she knew would not be suited to the kingdom’s climate. Though the sketches were undeniably less detailed, they were still so beautiful.

The final sketch was what was either a sunrise or sunset over an ocean. It, like every other image, was wonderful and she had to note that it was far more detailed than any of the other sketches done by memory.

Was this an image that Capsize dreamed of?

“Capsize, it’s beautiful,” She said, wanting to say so much more by finding herself breathless. She couldn’t even begin to fathom the amount of time that she had put into this book.

What she was holding was far more precious than anything she had ever held before. And it had been made for her.

“You like it?” Capsize asked, relief flooding into her bones. It was such a relief that she almost wanted to cry.

Her sketches had always been private. A small thing to keep for herself, and that she frankly feared anyone finding out about. She had had little idea if she actually had any skill.

Sure, she had shown Tom the sketch of him once she had finished it, an action that had nearly ended with the book set alight. Yet despite how overly excited he had been of the sketch, she had still found herself filled with doubt. She’d managed to convince herself that he was just excited to be drawn.

But now Sonja was smiling at her, smiling at her sketches. She couldn’t help but think how stupid she had been being, but such negative thoughts were quickly washed away by sheer relief.

“Of course I like it,” Sonja replied. She felt so honoured to be given something that felt so personal. “I didn’t even know that you were an artist.”

“I wouldn’t go that far… I just used to sketch in my free time. But I haven’t done so in a long time, and I’ve never shared my sketches with anyone before,” Capsize admitted, still a little self-conscious about it. This was a part of herself that she had always kept private, she felt vulnerable sharing it now. “…I wanted to share with you though.”

“Thank you. I… I’ll treasure this,” She truly, truly meant her words. Never had she held something with no magical properties at all that she still knew without questions was precious. That fact was just confirmed with how bright Capsize’s smile was. That beautiful smile. “I hope my present is just as meaningful to you.”

“I can’t imagine a world where it isn’t,” She said oh so quietly. Quiet enough that her words were barely audible over the flames, hidden the same that the cold hid her blush. Sonja had no idea if she even intended them to be heard, but she smiled at them, nonetheless.

And they were still more than enough to give her the confidence to produce her own box. All she wanted was to make Capsize happy. If she did that then she had succeeded in every way that mattered.

Capsize truly had no idea what to expect. To call Sonja talented would be completely underselling her abilities. So, she was sure that whatever she would be given would be truly brilliant. Somehow, none of her expectations had prepared her for what she found when she actually opened the box.

She was left utterly speechless, her breath taken completely. A ship in a bottle. No, not a ship. Her ship.

She could barely see the details with it still in the box, but she recognised it immediately. She was terrified as she picked it up, it was surely so fragile, and she was sure she was shaking. But the moment it was actually in her hands, she felt a joy that she hadn’t in years.

Inside the bottle, her ship was still sailing as waves moved through the glass. The closer she held it, the more she could hear them crash and smell the salt air.

“It’s just like I remember,” She said as she took in every last detail, unsure whether was about to laugh or sob. The very thing she had missed for so long, that infested her dreams with longing, had been recreated in her hands. A physical dream, that was what Sonja had gifted her. “How… how did you learn all the details?”

“Magic has ways of seeing things that are faraway,” Sonja said, resisting the urge to infodump every detail of the process but she knew that wasn’t what Capsize was asking about. She was looking at the ship, that was what she was asking about. Telling her the basic function of her mirror was good enough for now. “I used one of these ways to see your ship. That’s what it looks like currently.”

“What it looks like…” Capsize found herself unable to finish her sentence as she suddenly found herself looking even closer. She could see the tiny differences now. To most they would be so impossible to see on this scale, but she could see them and recognised wholly what they were. Signs of repair.

They’d repaired it.

Now she was crying.

Despite having sold the ship to Rupert, she had never been completely sure that he was going to be able to properly repair it. But he had, he absolutely had. It was still sailing.

“He repaired it. He actually… Thank you!” She looked up at Sonja, sure that she looked an absolute mess, but not caring in the slightest. Beyond just being beautiful and far more precious than anything she had ever held let alone owned before, this gift had given her knowledge. Even if it hadn't been an intentional part of the gift, it still meant far more to her than she could put into words. “I never thought I’d see it again.”

Sonja was about to reply when Capsize hugged her, holding her tight as she could. They stayed embracing for a minute, Sonja’s arms wrapping around Capsize as she cried from happiness. She may be unable to express in words how grateful she was, but she hoped she was good enough.

Every time she thought that Sonja was done surprising her, she was met by something else from her that was so bright and brilliant that made her appreciate her all the more. She was so glad to have her as a friend.

When the two did finally pull apart, reluctantly though it was, Capsize was no longer crying, her tears replaced with a smile. A smile that Sonja wished could remind forever.

If only they could remain forever in this moment. This wonderful, magical moment. The two of them sat next to a fire with their two candles still burning. With snow felt lightly around them, it looked truly like a moment from a story, the sort to be frozen forever in illustration.

But no moment remained forever. They always fleeted and turned right into the next.

“Truly Sonja, thank you so much. This is a treasure beyond anything I could have imagined,” Capsize was the one to finally break the silence. There was absolutely no way she could say anything that would amount to all her feelings. What words she could muster would just have to do. “Knowing that my ship is still sailing… it’s something I didn’t even realise I was desperate to know.”

“I’m glad it made you happy,” Sonja said. Truly her happiness was its own reward.

Though there were questions that had come from Capsize’s reaction. Questions that she was terrified of asking for fear of the answers that they may bring. Though, what good was keeping more and more lingering questions between them going to do?

“When was your ship damaged?” She asked, trying to be as delicate as possible. She obviously didn’t know much of the vessel, just what she had observed through the mirror and what Capsize had told her. She hadn’t heard of it being damaged. Though, she knew from Capsize’s surprise of it being repaired, she knew that there was only one time it could’ve been damaged.

Her true question was something far more sensitive, something she had no idea how to ask. However, she was not exactly subtle despite her attempt at being so.

Capsize grinned her cane, knuckles turning white. And Sonja’s thoughts suddenly turned to terror as she realised this may ruin all the good of the day.

“You don’t have to— I—” She completely fumbled for any way to fix this, but as she did, Capsize just raised a hand. Sonja quieted.

For a moment, she was concerned, but there was a soft smile on Capsize’s face. That gave her at least the mildest reassurance that he hadn’t ruined everything.

“You don’t need to apologise. I think we’re friends enough that you can ask me what happened to my leg,” She said, feeling far more comfortable than she ever could have imagined before telling this story.

The moment of her life that utterly changed everything in her life. The moment that she tried so hard to not think about. The moment that even if she had wanted to discuss before, she hadn’t because she knew too well the way that guilt flared in her brother if he so much as thought of it. But she didn’t want to keep it as some terrible memory that she dare not touch.

She wanted to share it with Sonja. Even if it would be hard to get the words out, she wanted to be able to share this with someone. And she felt comfortable with Sonja in a way that she had never felt with someone before. If she couldn’t share the story now, she doubted that she ever would. “It was, gods, it was closer to three years ago now. The largest storm I think I’d ever seen in my life, and we were completely stuck in the thick of it.”

As she told the story, it was almost as if she was back there on that night. She always called it a night because of how dark it was, but she knew logically that it had been something during the day. The storm had just been so thick that it had completely blotted out the sun. The only light cast at all being from their own lanterns that were barely managing to fight against the ever-worsening wing and the lightning strikes that were appearing far too frequently and at the same time as their thunderous counterparts.

It was the sort of storm that drove any close enough fleeing to ports for the best chance of safety they would have. Her crew had not been so lucky to have that option. The closest port to them was against the wind. There was no chance that they’d make it. Not a chance in hell.

So, the option they were left with was to batten down the hatches, head below deck, and just hope that they made it through to the other side. How were any of them to know that their luck had run out?

The reason though that she called it a moment was that it did truly sit in her mind as one. Everything leading up to it was all business as usual, things she had done countless times before. All that changed in one single flash of light and deafening crash.

She had whipped around, just catching the image of the strike against the mast. She didn’t know if the splintering and cracking of the old wood was actually audible over the storm. Given how no one seemed to react to it like she did, she imagined not. But even now sitting here retelling the story in safety, she could hear the wood falling apart.

She remembered seeing far too large a section begin to fall. That’s when the world froze.

In the path of the fall was Redbeard. Her brother was going to be crushed. She had to make a decision and what other decision was she ever going to make?

“I ran. Don’t think I’d ever run so fast in my life. I certainly won’t ever be sprinting that fast again,” She said with a hollow laugh.

All she had been able to think about was that she had to get him out the way. Not a single other thought had breached her mind. Especially not her own safety.

There had not been a single ounce of self-preservation as she pushed her brother out the way. The moment such thoughts had entered her mind, it was too late anyway. Her split-second decision had combined with the conditions of the storm. She’d tripped as she’d shoved him, ended up flat on the deck. Only a second left to fruitlessly panic before she was hit.

She remembered the crash and the instant panic that came with it. The worst pain that she had ever felt as she was completely pinned to the deck by the fallen wood. She knew in the minutes that she had managed to keep herself conscious that she must’ve been screaming, but she truly didn’t recall any sound she herself made.

She just remembered Red’s screams, his yells for the rest of the crew. That horrible look of self-blame on his face. However, she was not awake for very long.

“I woke up once we’d made port,” Another laugh, this one more bitter than the last. “They called it a miracle.”

From the story the crew told her, the moment she fell unconscious the storm had cleared. They had managed to make port within hours despite the damage to the ship and the wind being against them. One big miracle.

“I should’ve lost my leg really,” She admitted. The amount of damage that had been done to it, it seemed the inevitable action. Her leg had looked horrible and felt worse. She hadn’t needed the doctor to tell her that they’d assumed she’d need an amputation.

Still, that was not something she had wanted to hear being called a miracle when she felt as though her life had been ruined. “But that’s the whole story. I wasn’t going to be able to sail again for a long time, so Ianite recommended that I move to the town for a safe recovery. I sold the ship to a willing crew member and that was that.”

She fell quiet having said all she needed to. There was more that she could share she knew, but they weren’t things that she particularly felt necessary to the story.

She didn’t need to say her cane had been a final gift from her crew. She didn’t need to go over every detail of her injury. All she’d wanted was to finally get the actual story out and stop it from eating away at her. Truly what she had shared was such a weight from her chest.

Sonja, who had been doing nothing but listening the whole time, knew that she had to say something. That was without question. She had prompted the story to be told in the first place.

But what was there to say? Nothing was her first thought, she should just stay silent until Capsize spoke again. Though she knew that was a coward’s thought.

“You’re beyond selfless,” She finally said, quiet and ashamed of herself. She had already known this fact. Her first meeting with Capsize had been her giving up her own freedom for the sake of her brother. Then she’d returned to this accursed place when she could’ve escaped to a normal life to make sure that she, a monster, didn’t die in the woods.

Capsize was so utterly selfless, she had always known that to be true, but to learn that the turning point of her life was because of such an act put reality into stark perspective. Because Sonja was the complete opposite.

She couldn’t keep living with this secret.

“Are you okay?” Capsize asked, worried that she had been a little too intense in the retelling as she saw the pained expression on Sonja’s features.

Immediately the Beast shook her head, tears beginning to spill.

Capsize took a hold of one of the paws, squeezing it to try and ground her. If her story had gotten her this panicked, then she’d just need to remind her that she was okay now.

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine here and now.”

“No, it’s not… There’s a story I need to tell you,” Sonja’s voice cracked through sobs. She could tell the story without revealing the truth of herself, but she couldn’t keep pretending to be a good person. “Please just promise me that you’ll listen to the end, no matter how terrible it sounds.”

“Of course, Sonja, I’m not going anywhere,” Sonja wished her smile could give her any comfort.

“It was a bitterly cold winter’s night.”

[stargait]

⋆ ` ◦ 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 :

. 彡 ✩ ˚ well, well, look who the stars brought in. MIN SEOLRAE (SHE/HER), age TWENTY FOUR, SERVER AT REVEL… haven’t you been here for SIX MONTHS, or am i mistaking you for KIM MINJEONG (WINTER)? i get that you’re INDEPENDENT and CLANDESTINE, but you might want to watch that INABILITY TO TRUST OTHERS. i think i saw you DOWNING A GLASS OF SPIRITS AT ORBITAL'S BAR the other day, though i heard you’re in ansan TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM THE SCANDAL YOU CREATED IN ASTRA, is that right? good luck around here — stars know you’ll need it.

◦  ♡ BACKSTORY,   ◦  ♡ PROFILE,   ◦  ♡ WANTED CONNECTIONS, ◦  ♡ SOUNTRACK, ◦  ♡ PINTEREST BOARD,

hey all! i’m skipper and i have to be honest, i’m super nervous to be here as i’ve never written in a futuristic/cyberpunk theme before, but i’m also really excited to explore the concept as well!! anyway, i’m 26 and go by she/her pronouns (also comfy with they/them) and i’m stoked to introduce my astran actress min jolie turned ansan menace min seolrae! her backstory ended up really long, so i tried to condense things below for a tl:dr. as listed above, i also have a playlist and a pinterest board for my audial and visual babes out there, as well as a dedicated list of her filmography on her profile page. all the holodrama titles are clickable for a fun little look into each of them ♡ 

trigger warnings: drug use

⋆ ` ◦  backstory  :

seolrae’s parents were extremely successful engineers who specialized in smart home technology. the family was on the upper echelon of society which afforded them privileges many others were never gifted.

make no mistake, seolrae is originally from ansan, but given her parents high ranking positions within circle technologies, she was whisked away to astra in 2042 at the age of 13.

astra was hyped up to her in ways that made it seem like some sort of fairytale land, so of course she was excited to go! but she was also really confused considering how many protestors lined the astra airstrip when they were boarding their starship. there was a lot of anger surrounding their move, but she was far too young to understand why.

life in astra was like a dream; seolrae’s parents excelled even further at their work and she began adjusting to everyday life in the land of excess.

it didn’t take long for things to begin feeling stagnant, though. astra was abundant with perfection, but didn’t possess much emotion. (i feel like astra is the kinda place where you’ll have different experiences based on your personality, and for seolrae, it was a bit stepford wives-y? everything was just a little too perfect to the point where it felt rather unnerving to her.)

her biggest fascination ended up being holodramas as they were teeming with feelings and intrigue; things she was really beginning to miss.

this set off her foray into acting, being “officially” active from the years of 2044 to 2052. she took on a new persona, min jolie so that she could differentiate between her work and personal life.

after struggling with her mental state on the set of a holofilm in 2049, she tried some high quality inhibitors at the suggestion of a co-star, becoming somewhat dependent on them to get by. she’d been informed it was ‘pretty common’ in astra.

she took a couple of years off, mostly because she was burning herself out and feeling overworked. she’d manage to become astra’s sweetheart almost overnight, and the pressure of performing in such a seemingly faultless sea of apathy was getting to her.

she was meant to have her big return to the screen in 2052, filming for a propaganda-laced horror holoseries about a monster invading astra and trying to unravel their peaceful lives. it felt like a mirror was being held up to her face by the very world itself. she felt extremely suspicious of the crew, who all looked at her as if she were an outsider; as if she wasn’t the girl who’d come there a decade before.

seolrae had a huge outburst on the set, revealing not only her own drug use, but everyone’s. she went on a tirade about how empty the people of astra were, how they lived with their heads in the sand. it became the lead story on every broadcast, painting her as a paranoid enemy of astra.

even her parents disowned her over the scandal, acting as if they never knew her. all she could really do was try to escape, which she successfully did after appealing to a starship pilot with her predicament.

she’s been back in ansan about six months and is going by seolrae again, distancing herself from any trace of jolie. she lives life looking over her shoulder, expecting her past to come knocking on her door at any moment. she doesn’t know what agents of astra are really capable of, so she keeps her former identity and occupation a mystery. if anyone asks? she’s never even set foot in astra.

⋆ ` ◦  personality :

seolrae is highly secretive and is often suspicious of people over simple things like trying to make conversation. she doesn’t want to be cold, but she feels like it’s imperative to her survival not to let people in. she’s terrified of anyone finding out who she was in astra, as she holds a deep-seated fear of the place. she tries to appear ambivalent on the topic though, so as not to let on to the fact that she’s been there.

can be a little selfish, but it’s also something she’s trying to unlearn as more and more people become important to her.

obsessed with holofilms and holodramas and bringing them up is a fantastic way to coax a little bit of vulnerability out of her. despite them being tied to some bad memories, she still holds them pretty close to her heart. if you unknowingly present her any of the stuff she’s been in, she’ll make up some excuse about having seen it before and thinking it was terrible. “seriously, don’t even waste your time!”

she has some cybernetic prowess thanks to living under her parents’ care for so long, not that she particularly enjoys thinking about them. she does enjoy personally tweaking the gadgets littered throughout the sharehouse she lives in, as it brings about a calming sensation.

love language? free food.

and i think that’s everything!! although i’m probably forgetting something smh. if you would like to plot anything with seolrae, you can just tick the little heart down there and i’ll cruise on over! i have discord available upon request too if that’s your preference 🪐

[liebgotts-lovergirl]

Fire On Fire: Chapter 3

(Ch. 2), (Ch. 1)

Gallery II Taglist Application II Symbol Guide

Summary: After getting hyped up by her best friend, Skip, Alix gradually works up the courage to tell Lieb how she feels but it seems like Fate had other plans... A/N: I took some liberty here bc I don't know why the real Lieb started boxing but as a smaller-than-average Jewish kid whose parents enrolled him + his younger siblings in Catholic school to protect them from antisemitism, it made sense to me. As usual, all portrayals are based on the miniseries. WARNINGS: Mixed signals, Situationship, Antisemitism mention & LOTS of Angst

Contemporary: June 3rd, 1944. Aldbourne, England. 

Crossing the threshold of the Crown Pub from the stillness of the brisk night air was like entering another world.

The brassy, energetic sounds of swing jazz and the warm buzz of conversation filled the room, accented by the periodic staccato of clinking glasses on the bartop and the clacking of heels on the nearby dance floor. 

Although The Crown was certainly not as spacious or extravagant as the big-band nightclubs she frequented back home in Philadelphia, Alix felt more at home there than she ever had at Ciro's or the Click Club.

There was a perpetual fire burning in the hearth to ward off the English nighttime chill, bathing the revelers in its cozy, golden glow as they danced and mingled in a vain effort to forget the war raging on their doorstep. 

"Holy shit,” Skip exclaimed over his shoulder as he tried to forge a small path for the trio amid the sea of people heading for the bartop. "Looks like everybody and their brother came out tonight!" 

Alix was inclined to agree. The place was packed, a kaleidoscope of different military uniforms and colorful dresses, and she wondered if the three of them would even be able to get a drink before closing time.

She turned behind her, ready to jokingly ask Malarkey if he was positive he didn’t want to go see his buddy at the Blue Boar instead, but he had disappeared. 

“Uh, hey Skip,” Alix called ahead of her as she sidestepped a gaggle of village girls. "Don's gone AWOL!” 

Muck stopped in his tracks and turned back to face her with an incredulous look. 

“Wait, how?! We just got here!” 

The young agent didn’t answer, instead scanning the room for their friend’s distinctive red hair. After a minute, she caught sight of him about six feet behind them, engrossed in conversation with a pretty blonde girl who was giggling like mad. 

“Nevermind,” Alix laughed, gesturing in their direction. “Looks like we’re on our own tonight, Skipper.” 

Her best friend followed her gaze. 

“I don’t believe it! We just got here not five minutes ago and he’s already picked someone up!”

 

“Luck of the Irish,” Alix quipped and Skip inclined his head in agreement as they began trying to weave their way to the bar counter again. 

There were no stools left so they’d have to stand, not that Alix minded.

One of the only perks of attending finishing school was that over time, she’d become as comfortable in high heels as she was in her combat boots. 

“Guess it’s just us spoken-for saps tonight, huh Pyro?” Skip called over his shoulder but Alix shook her head.

"Speak for yourself, Skipper," she remarked, turning sideways to shuffle past a couple paratroopers from another company. “I'm not seeing anyone."  

Skip snorted derisively as they approached the bar countertop.

"Right...you ever thought about telling Liebgott that? Because he seems awfully stuck on you for a guy you’re ‘not seeing’." 

Alix felt her heart jump into her throat at the mention of Joe and she checked the door for the millionth time but still, no dice. 

Looks like she’d gotten all dressed up for nothing.

“I’m not that lucky,” she sighed as her friend waved the bartender over to them. “He’s not interested.”

"Are you kidding? He’s definitely inter- wait, hold that thought."

Skip quickly spun to address the bartender. 

"Just a pint of bitter for me, thanks, and for my friend…?" 

He gestured for Alix to fill in, and she did.

"A gin and tonic please." 

As the bartender nodded and walked away, Skip shook his head in disappointment.

"Always a G&T with you, Pyro," he chided jokingly. "That’s it: next round, you’re getting a beer. Time for you to broaden your horizons, Little Miss Finishing School!" 

Alix wrinkled her nose at the glass of practically-black ale set before her friend.

It looked like sewage.

“I think I prefer my horizons narrow, thanks."

The paratrooper took a gulp of his beloved beer with a shrug.

“More for me then. Anyway, where were we? It was something about you and Romeo…”

He snapped his fingers, trying to call the memory back.

“Oh, that’s right! You were denying that he’s into you and I was about to prove you wrong.” 

Alix pressed her red lips into a grimace and took a sip of her cocktail.

 “I doubt it, Skipper. It’s been half a year already and we’ve hooked up three times. If he wanted more than that, he’s had plenty of opportunities to say it but he never does. We flirt, we fuck, then it’s radio silence again. He’s made it clear he’d rather be just friends and we’re barely even that.” 

“I’m telling you, friends don’t look at each other the way he looks at you,” the blond insisted.

“Seriously Pyro, I’ve known the guy for two years now, since Toccoa, and I’ve never seen him look at anyone else like that, okay, not ever. And you should hear the way he goes on and on about you! Honest to God, you’d think you put the stars in the sky!” 

Alix’s brow furrowed in confusion. 

Did Joe really feel the same way she did? Why hadn’t he said anything then? She hadn’t even dared to hope-

“I mean, didn’t you ever wonder why he was always self-sabotaging his injuries? Because nobody else does that!”

Alix regarded him quizzically and Skip sighed in exasperation.

“Because he was hoping to get back to the Aid Station to have you patch him up instead of Doc! He’s willing to take more pain just to see you! Honestly Pyro, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, what with you being a ‘combat nurse’-”

he gave her another pointed look so she understood he meant spy. “-and all.” 

Alix took another sip of her G&T, her mind racing as she pored over every little interaction she could remember. 

She had noticed lots of little moments, to be sure, but she hadn’t dared to put all the pieces together. She was trained to recognize attraction not love.

Joe was always showing up to the base’s medical tent when she happened to be on duty, assisting Doc Roe as she learned the ins and outs of her cover, but she hadn’t thought much of it. She was just grateful for the rare gift of his company during the daylight hours.

╔══ • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • ══╗

7 weeks earlier: April 14th, 1944. Aldbourne, England.

“I can tell you’ve been picking at it, you know,” Alix chided softly as she examined the bloody bayonet laceration snaking across Joe’s right palm. 

“Yeah?” Liebgott asked, swallowing hard. “Uh, how can ya tell?”

“Because it was healing just fine earlier this week but–” Alix lightly traced a finger along his palm parallel to the wound to illustrate her point.

“–now the skin around it is ragged and bleeding again. Why do you do this to yourself, Joey?” 

Joe shrugged. 

“Guess I’m just a sucker for pain,” was the mumbled reply.

When Alix glanced up, still cradling his injured hand in hers, she found he was staring at her and their eyes met. There had never been a doubt that he was tough as nails, a warrior to the core, but the way he looked at her…his gaze instantly softened, his caramel-brown puppy eyes practically melting her heart in an instant as they lingered on her face, drinking in her every feature.

Her stomach filled with butterflies and Alix immediately shifted her gaze to anywhere else, quietly thanking God that Doc Roe had left minutes earlier to inquire about an incoming shipment of penicillin before he could see her turning redder than a tomato.

“Um, lemme just...lemme just go grab some solution real quick,” she stammered, jumping up and letting go of his hand, desperately trying to ignore the electricity of her fingers brushing his.

Joe scratched the back of his head with his good hand and leaned back with enviable ease, causing the empty wooden crate he was sitting on to creak slightly.

“Sounds good, Ziskeit,” he said to her retreating form. “I ain’t got nowhere to be.”

The young spy crouched nearby and rifled through three of the many boxes that were scattered haphazardly around the medical tent, swearing internally the whole time as she fumbled for supplies with shaky hands.

Goddamn it, Alix, he’s a cabbie from California not Clark fucking Gable. Why are you so nervous? Get it together.

The young agent could feel Joe’s eyes still on her but quietly steeling herself, she plucked the items she’d been searching for from the box and retook her seat next to him, arranging the supplies around her in the order she’d need them. 

“You’re not gonna like this,” Alix warned in advance as she dampened a cloth with a bottle of disinfectant rinse. “But it has to be done. We don’t need you getting an infection.”

 

“Do what you gotta do, Zees,” he assured her and she only nodded in response.

Holding his hand still, she focused on swabbing the bloody wound as gently as she could to clean the blood and dirt from it.

Joe hissed involuntarily as the solution made contact with an intensifying burning sensation and Alix tightened her grip on his hand, feeling it jerk slightly like he might pull away before she was done cleaning it.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Alix winced and Joe gritted his teeth, eyes fixed solidly on the wall of the tent, clearly determined not to let another sound out. “The worst part is over now but it might take a bit for the burning feeling to go away...” 

Joe shook his head and gave her a strained smile that seemed more like a grimace. 

“Don’t worry bout it, dollface,” he managed. “Never been better.”

Alix reached for another cloth and dabbed the wound dry as gently as she possibly could.

“You’re lucky it’s not any deeper,” she remarked as she inspected the cut a final time. “Or I’dve had to go find Doc to do your stitches. They don’t let me do the big stuff around here.” 

Joe cocked his head curiously, watching as she worked. 

“Yeah? Why’s that?” 

Alix gave a short, mirthless laugh. 

“Because I’m on a short leash as it is. Nix wants me preparing for my assignments 24/7. If it wasn’t OSS policy for operatives to spend multiple weeks on our covers, he would've had me done in two days and then back to the training grounds.”

Gingerly removing a fresh bandage from its casing, she nimbly wound it around Joe’s injured hand, just tight enough to stem any future bleeding.

As she wrapped it, Alix couldn't help but notice the slightly indented, pinkish-red scar tissue on his knuckles that contrasted sharply with the pale skin of his hand. 

"What happened?" she asked softly, her brow furrowing with concern. 

The paratrooper followed her gaze. 

“Oh those?” He shrugged. “They’re nothin’. Just some old boxing scars.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you boxed!” 

Joe grinned proudly at the amazement in her voice. 

“Yeah, I started when I was real young. Got pretty good too.” 

His smile faded and a tinge of bitterness entered his voice.

“Didn’t really have a choice.” 

Alix tilted her head to look at him. 

“What do you mean?” she asked.

 Joe took a deep breath and spoke on the exhale, the slight lilt in his raspy tenor being replaced with a hard edge.  

"Growin’ up where I did…we were the only Jewish kids. My mom and dad, they came here from Europe an’ they did their best to protect us, even sent us to Catholic school hopin’ it would keep us safer. But me, I didn’t wanna hide our ancestry like it was somethin' to be ashamed of and neither did my sisters. So every day, we got picked on for it, every fuckin’ day.” 

His voice was dangerously low, his hands quivering with barely-suppressed rage.

“And nobody did a goddamn thing.”

Alix sat frozen beside him, feeling her heart splinter into a million pieces as the man she loved began to recount years of torment at the hands of his schoolmates and how the administration had turned a blind eye to it all.

“Started takin’ boxing lessons so I could put up a better fight. I was the scrawniest but I was good, I had to be…I’d run my mouth again and again at school, really work ‘em up, so they’d hafta go after me with the worst of it. Anythin’ to keep ‘em away from my little brother and sisters. They didn’t deserve to go through all that.” 

 He was staring intently at the ground, jaw tight, and Alix could tell he was just barely holding it together.

“Neither did you, Joey,” she murmured, wrapping a tentative arm around his shoulders. “Neither did you.” 

To her surprise, he completely melted into her touch, slumping into it as the weight of the memories overcame him. Wrapping both arms around her waist, he pulled her into a close embrace and buried his face in the crook of her neck, clinging to her like a drowning man clings to a lifesaving piece of driftwood in the middle of a stormy sea.

They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, just holding each other in the silence, when-

╚══  • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 •  ══╝

Contemporary: June 3rd, 1944. Aldbourne, England.

The clang of a glass being set on the bar top jolted Alix out of her thoughts.

"Shit I'm sorry, Skipper, did you say something?"

"Jeeez," Skip marveled, shaking his head with a chuckle. "Welcome back to Earth, Pyro! We missed ya."

Alix rolled her eyes playfully.

"Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now, what were you saying?"

Skip took a long swig of his beer before responding,

"Look, bottom line is we could be jumping into a war zone any day now! Quit mooning over Lieb already and tell him how you feel, before you lose your chance!"

 Alix smiled appreciatively and started to say something when the door opened and both of the pair’s heads turned.

Floyd Talbert entered first followed by Joe, whose roguish good looks immediately filled Alix with jitters. 

He always cleaned up exceptionally well: his brown hair was combed back, a few unruly strands kicking out onto his forehead, and Alix could tell he’d had his uniform pressed for that night.

He leaned against the wall beside the door frame, coolly finishing his cigarette with all the ease of a film star and glancing at his watch.

Skip was right, Alix mused as she watched him and Tab talk amongst themselves. The end of the world really could be tomorrow. She needed to tell him today.

Smoothing her form-fitting red dress, Alix mumbled a quick prayer to whoever was listening and took a last swig of her G&T.

“Do I look okay?” she asked shakily and Skip gave her a once-over before reaching over for a supportive pat on the shoulder.

 

“Like an Italian Hedy Lamarr,” he assured. “Now enough stalling, go get 'em, tiger!” 

Alix took a deep breath and started off in the direction of the entrance to greet Joe and see if she could get him alone when suddenly, another arrival stopped her dead in her tracks.

She was seized by a violently sick feeling, as though someone had suckerpunched the wind right out of her.

Joe had brought a date. 

∆∆━━━━∆∆━━━━━∆∆━━━━∆∆

[tommyspeakycap]

Ruined it

pairing - andy robertson x reader

summary - after the england tie, andy’s left sulking while watching the woman he’s fallen in love with apparently cracking on with kt - this request

word count - 2k

"What're you sulking about eh?"

Andy turns his head suddenly at the sound of a voice he’s come to be very fond of. A brotherly voice of consistent reason. Jordan Henderson is always level headed and gives probably the best advice of anyone Andy has ever known, especially off the pitch. It’s why he’s their Liverpool skipper.

Andy shrugs, watching as Jordan takes a seat a little away from him, a row down and three seats over so they’re not too close as they sit in the stadium. The England international has his hands stuffed thoroughly into his pockets for a bit of heat against his rain soaked body, but the Scot doesn’t seem to be bothered by the dark blue strip still rain plastered to his skin. Jordan’s never understood the unbothered nature of many Scottish players and the rain, especially after matches. Tierney could often be spotted kicking about training in shorts and t-shirt even in the snow. But the rain seemed to be the least of Andy Robertson’s worried right now.

His eyes instead are focused down on the side of the pitch, still actually standing in the rain on his fellow left back. Tierney is standing by the goalpost and next to him is someone Jordan has become mildly familiar with through his friendship with Andy, you. Billy and Mason had been standing there a couple minutes ago and since had left to chat elsewhere with Chilwell, but you and Kieran remained talking.

The Liverpool skipper understands immediately why his club mate looks so sour even though they hadn’t conceded a goal. It’s not so much that you’re talking to Kieran, but instead the way that you’re talking to him.

It’s so animated, he’s using his hands to tell a story and you’re mimicking his actions with the same intensity, engaged in somehow simultaneously telling and listening to each other talk. Except Jordan can rationalise. You haven’t seen Kieran in person for ages, this was like two pent up kids seeing their friends for the first time after the summer holidays. So much to tell, so little time to get it across.

“Can’t compete with that, mate.” Andy mumbles, his voice thick with the heavy heartache kind of emotion that chafes a little at the large heart of the mackem man looking at him softly. “Don’t be like that,” Jordan protests with a scoff, “She’s not interested in him.” He insists, but he - again - can understand why Andy might think that. He doesn’t see what you look like when you talk to him. He doesn’t see the way you look at him or how excited you are to speak to him. He can’t watch your conversations from the outside line he’s sitting doing right now with you and the arsenal left-back who you’ve got doubled over in laughter right now. It's very obvious for Jordan to tell that you and Kieran are just friends because he can, and does, get to see what love from you looks like.

It looks like the hearts that basically swirl around in your eyes every single time you look at Andy Robertson.

You're standing down there talking to that cheeky Celtic through and through left back with his hair sticking up funny because of the rain and the thing that he's talking about is you and the Scotland captain. He was the real reason you were at the game, Kieran knows this. He knows you’re smitten, have been since he introduced you to him a few years ago. It had only been a waiting game of how long until one of you to crack and admit it.

Kieran was getting awful bored of waiting and nobody was getting any younger. If he had to hear you talking about Andy and this 'potential girlfriend' one more time, he'll lose the fucking rag. Andy doesn’t have a girlfriend. He couldn't fucking get one because everyone that asked him out got turned down for the simple fact that they weren't you enough for him. Nobody ever would be.

Nobody would laugh at his jokes and rip him a new one when he needed to be told that his patter was genuinely shocking. Nobody, literally nobody, appreciated that little thing he does with his shoulder on a run down the side of the pitch when he realises he might lose the ball like you do. He throws his shoulder forward, almost in a way that can be played off as a natural movement but has just enough on it to send the quickly running member of the opposing team into the closest pitch barricade. When he'd spent the length of the Manchester City game doing it to Kyle Walker, it's all you'd talked about for days. You just love him and it's almost painfully obvious to everyone but the one person who should see it the most.

"They're just friends Robbo." Jordan repeats, but Andy squints with an ever so subtle shake of his head. "It's like a fuckin' movie. Met when they were four, still fuckin' best friends at twenty four. Couldn't write it Hendo." Andy explains, hitting the back of his hand against the palm of his other emphatically, almost as if to drive home the idea brewing in his mind that you and Kieran were set to be together. A perfect couple, of sorts.

"You're being ridiculous." Jordan states simply, shaking his head in disagreement and indifference. "Like, do you realise how stupid you sound? She is not... interested... in ...him."

Andy sighs again heavily, finally tearing his eyes away from you to look at his club mate turned close friend sitting there in front of him. Jordan had his serious, almost dad face on. The one he uses if there is a message he needs to get across or a scolding that he needs to give either to a team member acting up or to one of his children.

"That said," he adds, "You need to tell her how you feel mate, before she is interested in someone else. Won't wait around for you forever."

The words actually give Andy a chill through his spine, making him shiver and not from the cold. He spots you, drifting out of a circle containing KT, Ben Chilwell, Billy, Mason and John McGinn, kind of looking as though you were looking around for someone else. Jordan knows that you are looking for the one man you really came here for. You're almost looking for him to save you, searching for him in the sea of football players standing in circles dotted around talking amongst each other about the game, about their lives and all that other rubbish that had missed talking about.

You're not sure what it is, but it feels like someone's arse that bloody bounces you sideways stumbling in straight into the front of Jack Grealish. Kieran smirks from where he stands knowing he hit his intended target when he hears your 'oof' and Jack's signature Brummie accent asking if you were alright. He casts a side eye up to the stands where he's seen his skipper sitting, a small grin ticking over the former Celtic mans lips as he sees Jordan Henderson patting Andy on the back just as he quickly makes for the stairs two at a time on tired legs.

"It that Grealish?" Andy had asked, eyebrows pulled into furrowed confusion. Jordan nods. "Yup."

That raises Andy to his feet immediately. Kieran was one thing, but to see you basically nose to nose with Jack fucking Grealish was another. That Andy could not even begin to handle even as he helped you back to your feet. "Better move fast." Hendo notes.

Andy does just that, except not in the direction that either Kieran or Jordan had anticipated him going in. When Andy got to the bottom of the stairs where Kieran had expected him to barge through the players and make a break for you, he instead took a swift left and marched back through the tunnel to the changing rooms.

Jordan is the first to spot your frown when you see the number 3 walking quickly off towards the changing room. He can physically see from your face the way that your heart sinks, a soft sigh parting your lips as you disjoin from the groups of talking players and mingling family members to find the side of the pitch that he had left from. Whether or not you were supposed to go back there, you didn't know. But you had come here to see him, watch him play and actually get to speak to him face to face for the first time in a while. Your work had kept you busy and he was travelling for the Scotland matches.

"Andy!" You call out after him, picking up your pace when you spot him rounding a corner quickly. "Andy!"

You know he can hear you, but he doesn't slow down. He keep thundering towards the changing room and you're confused. He was never like this. Andy is such a sweetheart to everyone and to you he was even sweeter. He was funny, he was kind and he made you feel like the world was a better place to be in.

This was very out of character, especially after a game that would be considered a success from their perspective.

"Andrew!" You bark, courage bubbling up to the surface when he pushes through the changing room door and lets it shut behind him just before you walk through.

Andy freezes in his spot, guilt immediately causing through his veins at the sound of you attempting to catch the heavy door. That was uncalled for and his mother would slap him silly if she'd ever caught word of him doing something like that to anyone, but especially. His mum really loved you.

"What was that far? Who pissed in your cereal this morning?" You try to joke as you lean against the door, crossing your arms over your chest with a teasing grin, but he just turns his back to you at his number designated changing spot in the room. He shrugs and pulls his shirt over the top of his head roughly, chucking it down on the bench in front of him. "Just didn't know you were behind me." He mumbles, almost so lowly you can't hear him.

"Right." You scoff with a step takin towards him. He still won't turn and look at you. He has so much anger coursing through his veins and he just doesn't even know why. Just seeing you there, hugging all them and speaking to Kieran before him, the way the arsenal man held you with such a tight squeeze and kissed the top of your head was what he was supposed to be doing. It's what he always did and watching Kieran do that to you knowing it was a routine for him too made him feel like an absolute idiot. Everything for Kieran was completely platonic, simply the act of missing you as his best friend.

"Cause you're not really supposed to be back here." He hints, making your heart sink. Your confidence to confront him dissipates right there and then, forcing you to attempt to swallow back a lump in your throat. He had never even used a tone like that with you before, not even in the petty little arguments you've been in in the past.

In fact had anyone else spoke to you anywhere near anything like that, Andy would have laid them out flat. But he was so fuelled by jealousy and the desire to be alone to wallow in his heartache so he doesn't take it out on his teammate later on a ruin morale that he almost doesn't realise how nasty he's being, even if the words themselves aren't that sharp, his cold tone was enough to make any words seem hurtfully intended. He chances a look back at you, a quick turns of his head to see you staring at him before he turned his head back to face his number stuck to the wall in front of him as he pulled the tape from off his wrists.

"I just noticed you walking off and the guys let me through so I-" You attempt to reason, words shaking slightly as you try to string together an excuse for being there when he clearly doesn't want you to be. God that hurt more than it should. "Are you alright?"

"Just surprised you could tear yourself away from trying to shag KT is all. Or maybe you'd prefer Grealish? Not too sure."

Your heart skips a beat at his snap as he pulls his undershirt from his arm and throws it down with his strip shirt. A puff of air is snorted out your noise, the kind of scoff of disbelief that hits his ears just in time to realise the words had actually just left his lips. With his back to you, he's safe to make screw up his face in disbelief at himself.

You scoff full this time, just about sick of the sight of his back and completely over the attitude. He's not sure what you're doing behind him in the seconds after he spits out those words that he knows for a fact will have hit you hard.

"Here." You tug him from his thoughts, turning him around finally to see you standing there with hurt written across your face. He watches you with his own pain filled eyes as you stand there in a long sleeved blue shirt something like the one he had been wearing under his strip. Right when he turns around, you throw something at him. A bundle of blue material that he barely catches against his bare chest. His head turns down towards it to investigate.

"Fuck you, Andrew." You spit, "Fuck you."

His sighs heavily to himself as he watches the door slam behind you, shaking out the fabric in his hands. His heart literally shatters when he realises what it is. The dark blue Scotland shirt with name and number is printed proudly across the back, something he hadn't even noticed you were actually wearing until you had throw it at him.

He drops himself backwards to sit on the bench, the jersey settling over his cold thighs as his head falls into his hands and a loud "Fuck," leaves his mouth into the empty room.

You power past Jordan Henderson walking along the corridor, looking at you expectantly with a smile that falters the second he see's your face, eyes brimming with unshed tears as you basically run past him. You're heading in the opposite direction of the pitch too, clearly on your way to leaving.

"Don't, Jordan. Just don't." You cut him off, holding up a hand to silence him before he even had the chance to do more than open his mouth. "Just leave it alone."

He reaches out for you, but you're gone before he gets the chance to catch your arm and his eyebrows are tightly furrowed in confusion. He knows that you and Andy have gotten in something similar to fights before, all friends do but never has the left-back said anything that had ever made you look quite so upset. He was usually the one making sure nobody ever did make you that upset.

While the England international stands there confused, it becomes clear he wasn't the only one to see you so upset when a thundering head of dark hair barrels past him towards the changing room with a definitively angry gusto that has Jordan leaping forward to chase after him.

"Fuck did you do, mate?" Kieran booms the second he throws open that changing room door with Jordan behind him, immediately getting in between the two Scotland players. Kieran has a tendancy to get hot headed. He’s very protective and everybody knows this. Andy’s guilty face wasn’t enough to clarify the idea that it was, in fact, he who had upset you.

“Tierney,” Jordan warns, his eyes serious as he switched from friend to captain mode in a split second, “You’d better go make sure she’s alright.”

Kieran lingers shifting from boot to boot, but ultimately does as he’s told and goes after you at a jog that allows Andy to drop his head back into his hands. Jordan turns back to Andy, hands on his hips with a very unhappy look written into his features.

"Now what the fuck did you do?"

“Just fucking ruined everything, mate.”

[shihalyfie]

Menoa’s background as a “genius kid” and how it influenced her mentality

I’ve covered Kizuna quite a lot on this blog, and since Menoa is the movie’s feature character, it’s only natural that I’d touched on her character and mentality several times in the process, but I’d never done a single organized analysis post on her. So let’s fix that!

I wanted to do this analysis particularly because a lot of the take-home regarding the movie’s theme and ultimate message depends heavily on understanding why Menoa’s conclusions of “adulthood is bad” and “partners disappear when you become an adult” are very specific to her own cynical mentality, and not the message the movie itself is trying to send. Admittedly, the movie probably wasn't doing itself any favors by delivering these implications in such a subtle fashion that it's easy to take Menoa's statements at face value because they’re quoted in the advertising and press material, and there’s no point in the movie where they outright deny her assertions in particularly explicit words (plus, the official translation is misleading on top of that), but when you look at Menoa’s background, the reason she’s written this way, the surrounding circumstantial evidence, and the way the movie frames it all in general, you can get a fuller picture of Menoa’s position and the background of what the movie is actually trying to say.

(Bonus: The end of the post also includes some information from a certain video game that seems ostensibly completely unrelated but actually has some interesting ways of enhancing this analysis.)

Some precedent from 02

Being someone who regularly deals with 02, a series that also has a frustrating tendency to have its meaning completely change depending on very specific important lines and easy-to-miss nuances, I have to say that of all the ways Kizuna resembles the original series, this was not a way I would have preferred...but in any case, Kizuna actually has a much deeper connection to 02 besides simply being a chronological sequel. I don’t think this necessarily makes 02 or its production background required reading for understanding Kizuna, as most of the relevant information is still presented in various ways in the movie proper, but since a lot of it is through some really subtle signals in both the dialogue and the visuals, it helps to have the backing of the prior series to solidify it further, especially since Kizuna is, after all, meant as a sequel to it.

I already wrote a lot about Kizuna and 02′s theme relationship in an earlier post, but I’m going to extract the important part that’s relevant to Menoa here:

I remember being shocked by an article in a newspaper about a 9-year-old boy who skipped grades into Columbia University in America, and that was how I came up with the initial idea for 02. “What would the life of an overly intelligent boy be like…?” What would be happiness be, what would his despair be, and would he be able to make friends? I steered it in those kinds of directions.

Adventure and 02′s original producer Seki Hiromi gave this statement in the 2019 DigiFes pamphlet (the same one where a lot of Kizuna prerelease information was being given out), and this is a story she’s told multiple times over the years, repeatedly, every time she’s asked about 02′s development (my earlier meta cited no less than five times she’d told this story between 2003 and 2019). This incident seems to have left such a strong impression on her that she kept clearly remembering this story all the way up to the time of development for Kizuna -- a movie she was prominently involved as a supervisor for.

The closest thing to an explicit parallel to this story within 02 itself is in 02 episode 9, when it’s mentioned that Ken would be interested in skipping grades like this if it weren’t for the fact that Japan doesn’t allow for skipping grades the way they do in the US. (Presumably why there are so many narratives out there that send characters off to another country when they want to have a grade skipper in their cast.) Ultimately, Ken, an eleven-year-old boy from Tamachi, was spared from this partially because of his position in Japan and partially because all of the characters involved came to the quick realization that none of this was working out -- but the sentiment behind condemning practices like this remains as one of the core themes behind 02.

Quite simply, 02 made a very clear point that “unreasonable expectations placed on children by adults will tear them apart,” and more broadly “life in itself is worth valuing, and it’s fine to enjoy life in itself instead of constantly pushing yourself to have a purpose or to fulfill others’ arbitrary standards.” Ken is the most obvious and prominent example, but there are many parts of the story that are encapsulated in this -- including Oikawa thinking he was being turned away from his dreams to go to the Digital World from being a "tainted adult", to BlackWarGreymon running around in circles trying to have a "purpose" in his life when in actuality everyone would have been fine with him even doing the most mundane of things, to all of the Dark Seed kids who gave up on their own personal dreams that adults presumably told them were too shameful in lieu of following in Ken's footsteps and trying to mold themselves into model students. And in the end, the happiest one out of all of them is Daisuke, the one who understands that it’s fine to do something as simple and low-reaching as running a ramen shop for his career, as long as it’s what makes himself happiest.

"Expectations and pressure” were already being correlated to the inability to “have the proper life of a child” even back in 02. During the many times Seki repeated the real-life story of the boy who skipped grades into university, she mentioned that her concerns were in regards to whether he’d be able to make friends without people his age, and whether he’d end up alienated from others around him. Because it’s true -- when you’re put on a pedestal as a “genius”, as a “gifted child” who apparently has advanced abilities, you end up treated with all of the expectation that you’re now as smart as an adult and should be treated as someone much older than your actual age. And they don’t mince words about its relationship to childhood and adulthood, either; Spring 2003 outright refers to the plight of Osamu (that Ken eventually inherited for a fashion) as “forced to grow up fast”, and in 02 episode 48, Oikawa refers to himself as a “tainted adult” who can’t enter the Digital World in 02 episode 48 because he felt that Hida Chikara cutting him off from the Digimon as a child meant that he’d lost his opportunity forever. (As we find out not long after, his inability to enter the Digital World did not have anything to do with his being an adult.)

Being subject to the expectations of adults, and being yanked away from the life a child ought to have -- being able to pursue what it is you want for yourself instead of tailoring yourself to what adults want of you -- ends up damaging your own inner self. We see the impact of this in many ways in 02 -- distorted personalities, frustration and anger, loss of empathy, and cynicism. Beyond just that, there’s also self-hatred and perfectionism, and holding oneself to unreasonable standards, like how the Kaiser and Oikawa actually harbor severe insecurity over not being “perfect” enough. But the finale is in response to all of that:

The exact phrase is “belief in the power to dream” -- or, in other words, to truly believe in your ability to get and do what you want instead of smashing out everything that’s not societally acceptable. That’s what’s considered the ideal that a child should be allowed to have (or, really, even an adult like Oikawa). Moreover, such a thing is given a direct correlation to the concept of a Digimon partner -- the Dark Seed children only get to see their partners once they’ve accepted what it is they really want to do and have the proper determination to pursue it, and Oikawa himself only meets Pipimon when he, too, realizes what it was he was missing and why his cynicism had been holding him back.

If Menoa had witnessed 02′s finale, it’s hard to believe she’d have the same mentality she had in Kizuna, because of how much of said finale directly answers most, if not all, of the major questions posed by the movie. She would have seen Oikawa, an adult, reuniting with his partner Pipimon, which should go against her idea that partners inevitably disappear in correlation with adulthood, and she’d see a whole ton of children actively learning that throwing aside your dreams for the sake of said adulthood is an unhealthy way to live, and that you can still live the rest of your life with determination. But we know for a fact that Menoa was most likely not present to witness this, because if you look at the timeline she gives for when Morphomon disappeared -- when she was fourteen years old and received permission to enter university, meaning early or mid-2002 -- she lost her partner right before all of the Chosen Children around the world joined in to assist and witness the events of 02′s finale in late December 2002. How interesting it is that her personal timeline seems to be so carefully tailored to prevent her from witnessing the known canonical incident that would pose the greatest threat to her ideology...

Moving on to Kizuna itself

When you think about it, if you really just wanted an antagonist who simply wanted to prevent partners from disappearing, you wouldn’t have to have a character with such a specific backstory of grade-skipping and being hailed as a genius -- it’s only natural that a lot of people would hate the idea of separating from their partners, and might do something as drastic in desperation. But Menoa’s motives seem to go far beyond just concern about the partner issue, because her justification about why partnership dissolution must necessarily go with adulthood is based on a very cynical view of adulthood to begin with.

Do all of you know why it’s children who are chosen to be partners with Digimon?… It’s because children are full of possibilities… The future is rife with limitless choices. You grow as a person by making those choices. “Growth” and “possibilities” together produce vast energy. As I’m sure you guys are already aware, the evolutions of your Digimon partners are triggered by your growth… When that power is gone… Your partnership with your Digimon ends.

(From this translation’s version of the speech.)

Recalling that Gennai never actually confirmed the whole concept of partnerships dissolving because of adulthood, only implying that it at least had to do with “possibilities”, this means that Menoa’s really the only one here who makes this specific correlation of “adulthood” and “making choices” to ��losing possibilities” (Gennai, for one, seemed to be pretty open to the idea that an adult like Taichi should still be able to have them). Menoa concluded that adulthood deteriorates partner relationships because she thinks adulthood inherently damages people’s possibilities. This is why the “reveal” of her backstory during the climax of the movie is so important, because we see the exact sequence of events and train of thought that led to her coming to that conclusion -- a conclusion based on her own personal experiences, not necessarily actual truth.

Through flashback dialogue, we learn a lot about Menoa’s backstory in only a very short space of time -- her being hailed as a “genius” as a child indeed subjected her to the exact kind of unreasonable expectations that tore at everyone in 02. Finding herself ostracized by others, she decided that the solution would be to “hurry up” and become an adult, hoping that people would take her seriously and allow her to fit in better.

But as you can see in both her dialogue and the visuals, this race to become an adult is just her forcing herself into another box. Menoa undoes her braids, which were confirmed to be a direct reference to Anne of Green Gables (it’s very famous in Japan). But while Anne was a character with a very healthy relationship with her childhood and adulthood, Menoa undoes those braids in her attempt to become more “mature” and aim to fit in adult society. And in the process, she physically becomes more and more distant from Morphomon, saying that she’s going to become self-reliant and not need to depend on anyone.

And then, she cuts off the most important thing.

Waiting in front of the swing at her family’s home, where they’d always played together when Menoa was a child, was her beloved friend. Lately, she’d been studying so much that they hadn’t been talking to each other at all, so she wanted Morphomon to lavish her with praise. She wanted her to say, “Menoa, you’re amazing!” But Morphomon turned around and looked at her with a very lonely-looking face.

This is one of my favorite passages from the Shueisha Mirai novel, because while some of this was already implied visually and textually in the movie itself, this really just spells out what the problem was in direct words. Alongside all of those “things she’d had as a child”, she’d emotionally abandoned Morphomon, too. And when she did approach Morphomon again, she only went for the same thing she’d abandoned all of those other things for: struggling to get approval and validation from others. When she proclaims she’s going to be using her research to help the world, the phrase she uses is the idiom yaku ni tatsu, which carries a nuance of “being useful” -- she’s still only thinking in terms of how to force herself into a box to be accepted by society and adults’ expectations of her, and not necessarily doing it because it’s true to her own passion and dreams. She’s basically doing the opposite of what 02′s finale said would allow you to meet your partner -- so, naturally, it makes sense that this was the time she lost her own, and that Taichi, Yamato, and Sora would lose their partners after similarly emotionally abandoning theirs for the sake of pressure to become adults, rather than following something they really wanted.

So after losing Morphomon, Menoa goes ahead and attends Liberica. And, well, funny thing about Liberica...

...it’s a dead ringer for a certain university in New York called Columbia University. You know, the university that just so happens to be the same one that inducted that 9-year-old child whom Seki saw the story of and freaked out enough to create the entirety of 02 about, in order to make the point that forcing children into adult expectations too early will really screw them up?

Let’s put it this way: Menoa is the one here who’s convinced herself that she lost Morphomon when she became “an adult”, but she’s the one who made that assessment because of her idea that being admitted into university constitutes being an adult, even if she was only fourteen years old. No matter how “mature” a fourteen-year-old may seem, even if they’re an apparent genius, a fourteen-year-old is not an adult and should not be expected to carry the expectations that would normally be imposed on one. In the end, her logical conclusion of “losing a partner comes with adulthood” can only be said to be based on her extremely warped perception of life and adulthood as a whole, rather than how adulthood is actually supposed to work.

We don’t know a lot about Menoa’s life at Liberica as per her own testimony, but considering the university she went into and Seki’s relevant concerns, it’s easy to surmise a few things. Entering university at the young age of fourteen means that it’s very unlikely she’d have any friends she’d really connect with; indeed, by the time of Kizuna, her assertions carry a fairly obvious implication that she hadn’t made any friends or gotten any emotional support from others about this, a very dangerous position to have in light of 02 (and, by proxy, even Adventure)’s consistent stance that proper emotional support and friends are some of the most important things to have. For all she’d been working to be accepted by others and praised, it’s unlikely she got any more than the shallow adoration Ken got by the public in the early episodes of 02, rather than what she really needed. I’d be surprised if any of her significantly older “peers” in university would even feel comfortable connecting with her or treating her as anything other than a kid due to her status as a much younger person with, despite everything, a much bigger difference in mentality.

And when you look at her actions during the movie, especially as it approaches its climax, she ends up projecting all of her problems on others due to her presumed lack of connection -- her justification being “only I know what this feels like” (that is to say, assuming “I know better than all of you” and not actually getting others’ thoughts on the situation) -- and going as far as forcing her way on others. At the beginning, her claim that she was only responding to others’ wishes of wanting to stay in the past had some degree of water, but the part where things really get out of hand is when she starts forcibly capturing literal children, ones who aren’t very likely to even be old enough to have a concept of nostalgia yet, or maybe even adults who absolutely don’t seem to feel the same way as her at all (like, say, the 02 quartet). This is why I don’t particularly think all of this tinfoil hatting about 02′s production background or 02 itself is necessarily required reading to establish that Menoa’s theory of partnership dissolution and adulthood shouldn’t be considered entirely reliable to begin with, because I’m not sure we really should be trusting the word of someone with projection issues and a really distorted view of reality.

Moreover, here’s another important question: did Menoa ever bother to do any proper introspection when she made it to Liberica? She acts like she tried “everything” to get Morphomon back, but what it seems like is that she banged her fingers on the computer to get code running despite being in a universe where things like Digimon evolution and manifestations have always required epiphanies of the heart (and every attempt to force any of this “manually” has always ended badly). Perhaps you could call it “refusing to think like a child”, thinking only “technical” solutions will be her way out. In terms of her actual mentality, she locked down even harder on the idea there was no way out and that she’d robbed herself of “possibilities” or “potential” by her choices, which, ironically, basically does make the problem even worse, because she blocks off all of her possibilities and potential by staying in a mental loop of considering only returning to the past and staying there as a solution. She constantly says that she and Morphomon were always together before their separation and acts as if Morphomon was suddenly just ripped from her without warning, not even bringing up the fact that they’d been emotionally drifting prior to that. And then when she witnessed Taichi and Yamato getting their own rings, instead of, I don’t know, talking to them about their lives or if they’ve had any existential crises lately, she concludes that “the strongest team” getting the same problem means, yup, this is totally an adulthood thing and everyone’s doomed!

In the end, when Taichi and Yamato’s actions and reaching out to her get to budge just a little, Menoa sees a glimpse of Morphomon again, and what she has to say is “I’m sorry” -- which is confirmed in both novels (Dash X and Shueisha Mirai) to be her apologizing for her failure to realize Morphomon was there the entire time. She hadn’t considered that possibility that Morphomon was still there in some form -- she’d resigned herself to such a cynical mentality of “it’s all doomed and we’re all better off just never getting to that point in the first place” that other ways of seeing the situation hadn’t even occurred to her -- so, again, she’d been the one who cut off her own possibilities in the first place.

And, on the other end, when you see Ken -- who ultimately ended up completely falling apart at the age of eleven and was eventually spared in going in this direction thanks to the intervention of some friends and understanding parents -- talking about what he’d heard of her as a well-known genius as if it’s another interesting factoid, and not as if something similar had happened to him as a kid, you can see that someone’s moved on so cleanly from all of this that he can talk about it like it has nothing to do with him, unaware of the irony of just how relevant to him this is on the meta level. But given the great time he’s clearly having with his friends in Kizuna, that’s probably for the better.

A digression with a completely unrelated video game

This part’s just for a little fun. I’m a Digimon blog first and foremost, but recently, it came to my attention that a certain video game called The Caligula Effect 2 (originally released June 2021, a little over a year after Kizuna, and recently localized to English) features a character with an almost unnervingly similar backstory and character background to all of the points brought up above. This is to the point where, after looking into it further, it turned out that this ostensibly completely unrelated game might actually be extremely useful for helping explain what exactly led to Menoa's mentality and the social conditions around it, so I've decided to bring it in to help!

Note that I spoil the game below, so feel free to stop reading if you don't want to have to see that.

On top of the friends who gave me tips about looking into this game in the first place, many thanks to @Moxagita on Twitter for providing necessary info and screenshots for this writeup’s coverage of it! If you happen to be interested in the game or the series itself, I recommend checking out this guide she participated in writing with an introduction to the game and relevant content warnings. I obviously cannot claim to be a particular expert on this game right now, but my impression is that its fans are really passionate about it and eager to help others learn about it, so please refer to the guide writers if you have any interest or questions about the series.

The premise of The Caligula Effect 2 (which is somewhat borrowed and tweaked from its predecessor) is that people who have “regrets” in their lives are spirited away to a virtual world called Redo, where they’re allowed to live out a simulation of their life with their ideal appearance in which things had played out differently. So, in other words, if you have a thing in your life where you think “if I just hadn’t done that one thing, I’d be so much happier now,” you get to live a simulation of the life you could have had if you hadn’t done the one thing. Unfortunately, a virtual simulated world is still a virtual simulated world, and an imperfect one at that, so the main party members, the “Go-Home Club” (a pun on a common pejorative usually used for students who fail to make any school club attachments and just “go home” every day after school), get together in an effort to dismantle the virtual world and escape.

One such member of the club is Ryuto, a middle school student hailed as a “child genius”. He noticeably tries to come off as more “mature” than his age should suggest, refusing to be treated as a kid, to the point he even seems to be a bit pretentious to some. And, eventually, when you (the protagonist) get to know him better, he reveals his “regret” that landed him in here in the first place, which covers some concepts that anyone who’s read the above may find to be unnervingly similar...

Ryuto’s regret is making a “choice” to enter a university prep school, because he believes that “choice” robbed him of a ton of possibilities, and generally felt that every “choice” he was making was causing more and more of his “possibilities” to dwindle, and because of that he’s wasting his potential and won’t be able to reach expectations. Wait, isn’t that exactly what we just talked about? He’s basically saying what Menoa said, right down to the specific choice of words!

Why does an unrelated video game have such striking similarities to Kizuna in this respect, right down to wording? I don’t think it’s coincidence -- not because the production backgrounds behind the two works are related per se, but rather, because this is a real issue that affects real people! That’s why I’m capable of speculating so much about the exact kinds of things Menoa went through despite only having the limited amount of canonical information I have, because this is such a common pattern and plight forced on those who get designated as “genius” or “gifted” kids that you can (rather unfortunately) predict it like clockwork, and both Kizuna and this video game are works intended to be relatable for the people who have gone through such hardships.

Ryuto’s a little more levelheaded and self-aware than Menoa, and moreover The Caligula Effect 2 has the luxury of being a long RPG instead of a fast-paced 90-minute movie, so we get to see him actually give a proper, drawn-out elaboration as to why he came to this conclusion. He likens it to effectively an intellectual version of “noblesse oblige” -- he’d been born with intellectual ability above that of the average person, which makes it his “duty” to serve and make most productive use out of those abilities for the sake of other members of society who aren’t nearly as privileged.

While there’s definitely some differences in nature between his issue and Menoa’s or Ken’s (Ryuto also states that part of this comes from his family being somewhat wealthy, so economic privilege is in play as well, whereas this wasn’t really implied to be as much of a factor in Menoa’s or Ken’s families), the point is that “gifted” or “genius” kids like him are very often told that they have so much potential that they shouldn’t be squandering. It’s a big reason as to why people in this situation end up constantly crumbling under pressure, terrified of failure, and perfectionist, because every single bit of failure is treated as “wasting potential” or “not being as good as you could have been”. Even the word “gifted” in itself carries this kind of nuance, as if you were magically bestowed a blessing upon you during your birth, which you must now exercise your gratitude for by contributing to society with those blessings. This is the kind of rhetoric that Menoa, Osamu, and Ken are very likely to have been utterly surrounded by once they were recognized as “geniuses”.

And it all ends up having a correlation with the sort of “inevitable fate” sentiment Menoa has during Kizuna, and why making choices is correlated to eliminating possibilities rather than treating everything as infinite options going forward. In a situation where you’re constantly pressured to live the Objectively Best Life Possible, it’s only natural to get into the mindset that there’s only one right way to live, for which you either succeed or fail, and that the outcome of your life is something determined for you that you can’t escape from. So by this logic, choices are bad because they keep eating away at that oh-so-important potential for someone who’s been expected to be some superhuman who could do anything since their birth -- and that’s why Menoa fixates on that concept of “fate” (shukumei), the idea that everything in her life is just trudging towards inevitability and something that others decide for her, and that the only way to escape it is to stay trapped in the past and refuse to walk towards it.

And, speaking of staying stuck in the past: Ryuto’s story also contains the same correlation of “childhood” and “adulthood” as the one presented in 02 and Kizuna. In the virtual world of Redo, a lot of its denizens are adults taking the appearance of high school students due to the romanticization of high school as the ideal part of one’s youth, but Ryuto’s a middle school kid in the real world and a middle school kid in Redo, because he’s terrified of growing up. The expectations placed on him are so high that he’s fearing “failure”, or wasting his potential by becoming a “failed adult”, so even the passage of time scares him and he’s trying to delay the need to grow up so that he doesn’t have to face his fear of making choices. Sound familiar?

So what’s the resolution to all of this? Ryuto bears witness to his fellow members of the Go-Home Club -- “failed adults” who aren’t even in a good situation in life anymore -- chatting happily and clearly having a lot of fun. Sure, they’re not living up to their maximum potential, but they’re getting a lot more fulfillment than he is, and observing them makes him realize that he’d be a lot happier if he allowed himself to be happy in a similar fashion. Even if he doesn’t somehow maximize his potential, he can still have a happy, fulfilling life, and approach it the same way everyone else does: not knowing what might be in store for him in the future, and taking it on anyway, seeing it as something going forward instead of some impossible goal that he’d probably never be able to realistically reach.

Over the course of the game, Ryuto eventually resolves to become a doctor who can treat cases currently considered impossible, choosing to believe in his infinite potential and future, because of people around him he cares about who would need it. It’s still a huge hurdle, and it’s still something that involves contributing to society, but it’s something he wants to do and has an personal, emotional stake in, not something that anyone particularly asked him to pursue. It’s not like he resolved to take the easy way out; rather, it’s simply that he’s reframing it to prioritize his own reasons for doing things, and doing it out of choice instead of inevitability.

It’s the kind of way of life Motomiya Daisuke would be proud of -- even if it’s not something society expects of you, or even if it’s not the single most ambitious thing you could be doing, you should do what makes you happy, and what you want, genius or no. And when you do find what you want to do, that’s when you should have the determination to pursue it with everything you have, even if it means overcoming intimidating-looking odds, but you’ll be much more likely to find happiness that way because you’re doing this for yourself and your own dreams. Menoa’s big mistake was believing that humans only have a limited number of futures with a limited amount of time, treating everything like a set future where everyone has to get as far as possible within it, instead of the reality of looking forward into the future.

[chicagofanfictionfan]

Sailing Part 6

After a little light rain that persisted all through Friday morning after the thunder, a fog had settled over the Washington DC Marina.

Fog, how very fitting, thought Jethro, stretching his lean six-foot-one frame as he stood on the teakwood deck of his boat. Maybe that was because; he still wasn’t very clear about this trip-what to expect, with three adult children – how it would play out. Would he live to regret it?

Jethro was about to resume his final inspection of the boat – he built by hand; no power tools, admiring all the new lines and canvas – that his children, Tim, Tony and [Y/N] had added, when he heard a familiar voice call out to him.

‘How ya doin’ there, Leroy?’

Jethro turned to see his father; Jackson Gibbs, the launch skipper for the marina. Jackson was standing directly below him on the dock. He was dressed in the same polo blue shirt with the Washington Marina logo that everyone on the staff was required to wear – the only thing was Jackson’s shirt was a lot more faded; a subtle sign of his seniority – he and Jethro’s mother Anne owned the place.

‘Hey, Jack, what’s happening?’ Jethro asked in his usual gruff laid-back tone.

‘Not much, son – how’s Tim, Tony and [Y/N]?’ Jackson asked, flashing an easy grin. He was in his eighties, silver-haired, silver-iced-blue eyes, slender, attractive and always slightly tanned.

‘Oh, they are fine; thanks Dad.’

‘Today’s just another day of shuttling rich people to boats that cost more than our family house.’

Jethro chuckled, watching as his father; Jackson turned his attention to the boat that he built – The Family Gibbs.

‘So how’s she looking to you?’ Jackson asked. ‘Is this one finally ready to set sail?’

‘Tim, Tony and [Y/N] all helped to get this one ready, Dad. She’d definitely sea worthy now,’ Jethro told his father, who would know as well as anybody. He looked upon her beauty, smiling at all the joy she brought to him. He had recalled every caress across her smooth body. He marvelled that something that could feel so soft could be strong and hard enough to withstand any storm.

Growing up in Stillwater as the youngest in a family of devout sailors, Jethro found boating a lot like breathing – it just came naturally. In fact, out of all the generations of the Gibbs, Jethro had become the most accomplished sailor. Twice he had actually won the cruising division of the celebrated – and extremely hard - Stillwater boat and sailing race.

Still, his father; Jack didn’t look entirely convinced by his son’s breezy assessment. As he continued to eye the boat – that was his son’s pride and joy – he actually seemed a little concerned.

‘What is it, Dad?’ Jethro asked his father. ‘You see something I didn’t something that has come up in your service?’

‘No- nothing, it’s nothing- at all, Leroy.’

‘It’s obviously something, Jack, so tell me.’

His father; Jackson’s eyes narrowed into slits. ‘No, Leroy – it’s just a stupid superstition, that’s all.’

Jethro nodded and didn’t press his father on it – he didn’t need to – he knew exactly what his father; Jackson was talking about. Among sailors worth spit, the superstition was very well widely known around the marina, Jethro – of course – believed in it. It had been weighing on his mind as well. Like a two-ton anchor. A boat that loses its skipper at sea is forever a ghost ship.

His mother; Anne – his father’s wife, had cancer and died while scuba diving off the original The Family Gibbs. Her tank had malfunctioned, cutting off her air supply. Anne went down and never came back up – that is, until her body had been discovered by, Jethro, Shannon and their children, Tim, Tony, [Y/N] and Kelly, was recovered.

So to Jethro, superstition or not, the original boat was a haunting reminder of a tragedy he’d just as soon forget. If only he could – the original boat had caught on fire – had it been up to him; he would’ve sold the damn thing before the dirt settled on his mother’s grave. A wedding band or a watch – those made for good keepsakes. Not a sixty-two-foot luxury Morris yacht!

At the time his father; Jackson – had insisted on keeping it, presumably for sentimental reasons – until that day, it caught on fire- the boat had done nothing but sit in some goddamn warehouse for the past eighty or so years. Jackson, his son; Jethro and his wife; Shannon or the children; Tim, Tony, [Y/N] and Kelly hadn’t sailed it once. Jackson hadn’t even set or laid his eyes on it.

His father Jackson; grimaced. ‘I’m sorry, Leroy, it’s stupid of me. I didn’t mean to spook you with my typical bullshit. I’ll shut my big mouth now. It’s better late than never.’

‘No worries, Dad. Everything’s going to be fine.’

‘Course it is, Leroy – you’re going to have an outstanding trip,’ Jackson said, smiling as best as he could.

‘Do you need my help with anything before you head off?’

‘I’m good, Dad.’ Said Jethro, glancing at his watch strapped to his wrist. His children were late – of course. Looking upon her majesty he wondered about the pleasure he would soon experience with her beneath him. He could vividly imagine the feel of her rocking and swaying as she powered by the electricity and the winds. He would control the lines, but she’d fight him for her dominance.

She was sturdy, of that he had no doubts. He would trust her to carry him across any ocean and deliver him safely to any shore.

‘The only thing I need now is for my children to show up.’

Forty minutes later, even with the fog still hanging low around the marina, Jethro heard his children before he actually even saw them. Once again he thought, how fitting – the mouths on his children were something awful – maybe this trip was just what they needed – welcome to boat boot camp.

As Jethro listened to their bickering voices getting, louder – it was clear that nothing had changed since he last saw his children.

‘See, I knew there would be a boat you fucking idiots!’

Jethro nodded to himself, at his first born son; Tony’s crow of triumph. He’d had a feeling that his son had seen through his ploy and had hopefully invited his and his brother’s girlfriend; Abby and Ziva. 

The way his two sons had chatted during their aeroplane ride – about anything but where they were actually going – was any indication that one of his sons – had at least thought he’d solved the mystery – it didn’t really matter. [Y/N] was quiet. Their father; Gibbs hadn’t kept quiet as any sort of test; but merely to serve as a distraction.

‘Who are you calling an idiot, you idiot? I’m not the one who got caught smoking weed in the shared apartment last month. That was impressive.’

And that’s definitely [Y/N], from what I hear.

‘Oh, yeah?’ said Tony. ‘The only reason you stopped smoking weed is because the munchies were making you fat! Your ass is fucking dragging, sister.’

Suddenly a third voice chimed in much quieter-pitched; kind of sweet, really. ‘Sorry to interrupt this stimulating conversation between my chronologically older siblings, but I was kinda wondering something.’

‘What is it, twerp?’ asked [Y/N]. ‘Why hasn’t Dad ever gotten married – again? You don’t think he’s gay, do you? Not that it’s a bad thing.’

Jethro started to laugh at this statement – that’s absolutely, positively Tim! Always had an inappropriate question for each and every situation – except when he’s in elf land. Tony snickered at his brother’s comment but managed to stay silent as they walked down the dock and approached the boats.

His three children finally appeared through the wisps of the fog. They all smiled as one instantly at the sight of their father – whatever disrespect they had for one another, they all loved their father.  They all finally stopped next to one particular slip; Tony dropped his duffle bag and whistled in appreciation.

 ‘How are you, [Y/N]?’ Jethro asked his daughter, giving her a hug. Everything about his poor daughter looked thinner to him – too fucking thin – well; he thought they would correct that soon.

[Y/N] plopped a hand on her bony hip. ‘How do you think I’m doing, Dad?’ she huffed out.

‘Good to see you too, sweetheart,’ Jethro said, unfazed. He looked over at the gorgeous Israeli beauty in his son’s arms. Tony runs a hand through his dishevelled long brown hair – which hadn’t seen a barber, or maybe even a comb, in months. ‘Does your father know your here? Ziver’ Jethro asked.

Ziva nodded. ‘He had arranged for me to come and see Tony, since he and him got on well and respect my choice of boyfriend; even though he is not Jewish.’

Tim shrugged his chubby shoulders. His baby fat continued to be a stubborn holdout on his body. ‘Dad,’ Tim turns towards him holding, a black pig-tailed, girls hand. ‘This is Abby, the happiest Goth you’ll ever meet – she’s my girlfriend and I think apart from her I’m the only Gibbs kid who wants to actually be here,’ he said, hugging Abby.

After looking briefly at their father; Gibbs for confirmation – or in Ziva and Abby’s case, their boyfriends’ father; they approached the big wooden boat respectfully. ‘The Family Gibbs,’ they read the boat’s name together; Tony took off his sunglasses.

‘We like it.’

[let-it-raines]

your wonder under summer skies (5/?)

Summer in Storybrooke, Maine means one thing for its residents: tourist season. This year, for Emma Swan and Killian Jones, it means relationships ending and friendships changing all the while they attempt to figure out just what their relationship is. It’s somewhere straddling the line between friends and lovers, and there’s no guarantee of a soft landing if they fall into new territory.

rating: mature

a/n: thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading over these words ❤️

And to everyone else, happy Friday! You’ve made it through another week!

ao3: beginning | current

tumblr:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 

-/-

“Where are you going?”

Emma twists her head to the side and tugs her comforter up to her chest. “To get some water.”

“I wore you out then, did I?”

Emma groans and tries to get out of bed before Killian’s hands wrap around her waist and tug her back. His lips press against the back of her neck, scruff scratching against skin, and she melts into the feeling of it.

Almost.

“Wait, wait,” she interrupts, pulling away from him and twisting in the bed until she’s back on her side and facing him. He’s got red pillow creases all across his face, and he desperately needs to fix his hair. It’s a mess. They probably both are. “We need to talk.”

His eyes flutter closed before his lips spread into a smile. “I’ve found when a woman says that I’m rarely in for a pleasant conversation.”

Emma swallows and pulls the comforter up a little higher. She doesn’t know how well this is going to go, but it’s been on her mind pretty much every other minute for the past week. Well, besides when she wants to pull her hair out over the insane specificities that her boss is giving her for every event they’ve got on the books. A regular Tuesday night dinner with twenty people does not need to be the most well thought out dinner in the history of dinners, but no one seems to understand that.

A part of her almost misses waitressing, but then she remembers the pay and how shitty people are to waitstaff.

“We need to make rules,” Emma blurts out. She’s got to bite the bullet or else she’ll never do it.

Both of Killian’s brows raise at that. “Rules?”

“Yeah, about this.” She motions between the two of them. “I don’t – hell, Killian, we’ve kind of fallen into…”

“Bed?” he laughs, his lips ticking up into a broad smile.

“Shut up.”

“What? It’s the truth.”

“I know, but I – look, we’re friends, right?”

“Aye.” He nods and sits up as the sheets fall down to his waist and she’s only slightly distracted by the dip in his collarbone and the way the ink on his shoulder stretches across his skin. “To be quite frank, you’ve somehow wormed your way into being my closest mate.”

“Your closest mate who you’ve now been sleeping with for, like, a week, and not to be too emotionally aware since that is not my expertise, but I feel like that’s going to blow up in our faces at some point since we’re not really talking about it.”

Whew. She got that out. That was the hard part, right?

“Ah, so you want to make rules?”

“Exactly.”

Killian clicks his tongue and points between them. “If we make rules, Swan, it means we’re continuing this. Do you want to continue this?”

God, yes.

“I mean, I feel like it could be beneficial to both of us.”

“How so?”

He knows exactly what she’s trying to say, but the asshole is going to make her say it. Maybe she didn’t get the hard part over. “I’m not looking for a relationship,” Emma starts, “and I assume you’re not either.”

“I’m not,” he confirms.

“So why don’t we continue this? No strings attached. I don’t have to be some poor, heartbroken woman as my ex walks around with the woman he cheated on me with without a care in the world, and you don’t have to find one of your women for the summer. I can be that for you.”

Killian hums and scratches behind his ear before tilting his head to the side. The light from outside is hitting his eyes so that the blue is even brighter than usual, and a shiver runs down her spine as he stares at her.

This is weird but good.

“Rule one would have to be that we don’t let sleeping together get in the way of our friendship,” Killian starts, holding a finger up. “I can’t stay sane without having you to vent to about customers and Liam and also Will purposely not restocking my rum at the bar.”

Emma huffs. “I can’t stay sane without middle of the night slushie runs and runs with Skipper.”

“So, we agree on that then? Our friendship comes first.”

“Absolutely.”

“And we’re both fully aware that the both of us are using each other for sex, correct?”

“Well, don’t put it like that.”

“Why?” he laughs. “That’s exactly what we’re doing.”

“Yeah, but if you put it that way, it makes it sound absolutely dirty.”

“Dirty, huh?” Killian shifts in the bed and moves over toward her. Emma falls back onto the mattress while Killian climbs over her until he’s caging her in and staring down at her with those blue, blue eyes. This shouldn’t feel so damn good, but it does. “I can show you dirty, darling.”

“I think you’re changing the subject.”

“We were talking about sex.” He leans down and nestles his chin into her neck until his teeth tug at her skin, quickly soothing the spot with his tongue. “I’m simply changing it from talk to the act.”

“We have to finish our conversation,” she protests, falsely, as her nails scratch down his back. He groans, and Emma can’t say she minds the sound.

“There will be plenty of time for your lovely little rules later. I can assure you I will listen to them and follow them and do every little thing you ask of me. That’s the benefit of sleeping with a friend who is accustomed to listening to you.”

Emma’s hips arch up into his, and she gulps down as heat licks along her skin and curls between her thighs. He’s more addicting than he has any right to be, and she could definitely get used to a no strings attached kind of situation like this.

Friends with benefits.

She never thought she’d be the type of girl to do that, but it was probably because the situation hadn’t presented itself yet. It obviously has now.

She didn’t have the right friends, apparently.

“You’re a bad influence.”

“I never claimed to be otherwise,” he whispers into her ear, his voice soft before becoming gritty, almost in a blink of an eye. “Now wrap your legs around me. I prefer to do more enjoyable activities with a woman on her back than spending my time talking.”

“I feel like nothing has ever stopped you from talking before.” “Well, if my mouth is otherwise occupied, it does become a challenge. But, you know, I do love a challenge.”

-/-

Killian Jones: Rule #2. We don’t tell any of our friends.

Emma Swan: Agreed. They would lose their shit.

Killian Jones: Liam and David would join forces to keep us both locked in our apartments.

Emma Swan: David would at least give me food and water. Liam might leave you hanging.

Killian Jones: I’d somehow find a way to get Skipper to bring me food. Or you could find a way to send me something.

Emma Swan: It’d be the least I could do.

“What are you doing?”

Emma hits the button on the side of her phone and stuffs it in her back pocket. “I was checking our schedule for today.”

Mary Margaret tilts her head. “We’ve got the Silver Club’s luncheon at noon, a group information session at three, and then we have the Welcome Dinner tonight. How did you forget that? We’ve been planning this for months.”

“I didn’t forget,” Emma lies as she stands from the chair. “I was double-checking the times.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just want everything to go well, you know?”

“Emma.” Mary Margaret walks closer and leans against the wall next to Emma. “You just ended a long, serious relationship. It’s okay to not be okay. You’ve been frazzled, and I don’t mind picking up any of the slack that you need me to pick up.”

“I’m fine,” Emma lies. “I am not at all upset about Neal. I just want to, you know…”

“You want to what?”

Emma puts her hands in front of her chest and pushes forward. “I want to push past it, shove it away.” “Of course, of course.” Mary Margaret’s ballet flat scuffs against the hardwood. “I always thought you two were good together. There’s not a chance that – ”

“Fuck no,” Emma laughs even as she wishes she could be anywhere but here. “I mean, we had our good moments, but I’ve been through too much shit to stay with him. I think for the first time I – you know what, never mind, it’s not important. Let’s get back to the dinner. Do you think it’s going to go well?” Super smooth subject change there, Emma. Mary Margaret definitely didn’t notice it at all.

Mary Margaret sighs and wraps her arm around Emma’s shoulder. “It always goes well. You’re good at this. You’ve got to know that by now.”

“I pretty much live in constant fear that Regina is going to fire me because someone is unhappy with a color scheme or because a kid is going to tell their parent we didn’t have the right kind of lemonade and then the parent decides to take rare interest in their kid for once just to make my life miserable.”

“Yeah, I live in constant fear of that, too. Those parents are scary.”

“How many are coming to the information session?”

“Ten new couples, three returning who want an update, and then we’ve got forty kids already signed up to stay in the kids’ club all summer.”

Emma lets out a low whistle. “Ashley and Aurora are going to lose their minds if we don’t get the part-time hires on board.”

“Or if we don’t help them out more than on the excursions.”

She hums and opens up the door out of her office. “I’m too busy dealing with whiny, privileged adults complaining about how the pool isn’t the right temperature.”

“You’re right. It’s such a hard life.”

Emma snickers. “Maybe we’re not meant for this job.”

“Probably not, but you prefer this to waitressing, right?”

“Oh hell yes. I will not go back to that and sleeping on your couch. You were the best for taking me in since I was pretty much a walking human disaster, but there will be no more sleeping on your couch. I like having my own bed and being able to eat food other than kitchen leftovers.”

“I do miss you on my couch, though. Lots of good talks. And my hair was long then, and you were the best at braiding it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Emma laughs. She takes a deep breath, letting a little bit of the heaviness on her chest evaporate. Mary Margaret pushes her a hell of a lot, but sometimes she does know when to step back. “I know you do. Now come on, let’s go make sure that there are no pink linens or Mrs. Rose will absolutely lose her shit.” “And we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“Oh, I would, but like I said, I also like my job.”

“Then no pink linens it is.”

-/-

“How did I know I’d find you here?”

Emma’s heartbeat picks up at the familiar voice, and she looks up from her spot to see Killian walking down the beach toward her.

“Because Mary Margaret probably told you.”

“Damn, I’ve been found out.” He takes a few more steps until he’s sliding down onto the lounge chair next to her and handing her a slushie. “Because they melted the other night.”

Her cheeks heat at the thought, and she’s got to stop doing that. They are adults sleeping together, and there’s no need for her to feel weird about that. It’s a little weird talking about it somewhere other than a bedroom or over text, though. Yeah, that’s why his reference made her cheeks flush. That’s the only reason.

“Thank you.” She takes quick sip. “Is there tequila in this?”

“I thought you could use it after your Welcome Dinner. I know that’s hell every year.”

“Oh my God, yes,” Emma groans. “It was the worst. I swear it’s more people every year, and they all show up thinking this is going to be like that episode of Mrs. Maisel where they show up at the summer camp and never have to lift a finger. I mean, to the point where I would be putting their food in their mouths, which I am not going to do.”

“Isn’t that kind of what this is?”

Emma glares at him, but Killian not-so-slyly takes a sip of his drink and avoids her stare.

That was smart of him because she’s just exhausted enough to want to slap him for being a smart ass.

“No. We’re not a resort. They just come to the club for meals and parties and leave their kids with us all day. They ask us where they can rent or keep their boats, and I obviously only recommend you, and then they have to go home to their own homes or rentals at the end of the day where I have nothing to do with them or what they ear.”

“Oh, yeah, totally different than it being a resort.”

“Shut up,” Emma chuckles as she drinks her slushie. She’s going to have to run in the morning to work off all of the food she’s been eating today. She had so many of the cookies before they went out to the tables. “It is different. I’m just at their beck and call for half of the day. I would lose my mind if I had to do more.”

“A job’s a job.”

“And when you’re not qualified to do much else…”

Killian kicks his leg out in the sand toward her. “If things don’t work out for you, you can come work for me.”

Emma sputters out a laugh. “Liam would never in a million years let me work with you guys.”

“Oh, come on. He definitely would…at some point…maybe two million years.”

She rolls her eyes and twists on the lounge chair until she’s facing Killian again. A breeze from the ocean wafts toward her, and chills pop up on her arms. Killian silently shrugs off his sweatshirt before handing it over to her. He’s got on a Henley underneath it, and he obviously is more prepared for the late-night chill than she is.

“Liam isn’t my biggest fan. It’s okay. I’ll just have to go back to waitressing when I lose my mind on a member and throw a drink in their face.”

“Hey, now, he does like you a little bit. Let’s not immediately jump to throwing drinks in someone’s face.”

“You don’t have to placate me, KJ. Your brother is a stubborn ass to me. It runs in the family, but one of you at least makes up for it by providing drinks and mediocre conversation.”

Killian scoffs before leaning back up against the chair and running his hands through his hair. The scars on his hand look almost silver in the moonlight. She’s never noticed that before.

“Mediocre conversation? Is that what this is? I happened to think I was a brilliant conversationalist.”

“Occasionally. Did you know they want me to start wearing a uniform?”

“What?”

“Yeah, Regina is losing her shit. She wants me to wear khaki shorts and a different pastel colored polo for different days of the week, but that’s only for the afternoons. At night, she still wants me to get dressed up so I can ‘look like a member and not an employee.’”

“You’re not serious.”

“I am.”

“Damn,” Killian whistles. “I am going to love giving you shit about that.”

“Ha, I’m not going to wear the polos. I already have to wear the damn khaki shorts when we do events on the beach, but I am not wearing the polos. I’ll get fired first.”

“It’s a good thing you’ll have a job with me in a million years.”

“Two, I thought.”

“Possibly three.”

Emma laughs and settles back down onto the chair as she keeps drinking. Killian got a little too much cherry in this. Or maybe that’s just the tequila. It’s good, though, and she needed it tonight.

God, the people at the club are all so obnoxious, and she’s desperately going to miss fall and winter when she didn’t have people hounding her with questions every day all day. She deserves hazard pay for every person that makes a snide remark about the linens or someone who they think doesn’t fit the type of person they want at the club.

They don’t know she’s the exact type of person they wouldn’t want to associate with.

Foster kid, no money, little education, run ins with the law…the list goes on and on.

But she’s not that person anymore. She’s not. She’s at least got her life together in that she has money and isn’t having to steal Pop-Tarts from convenience stores.

Now she just drinks slushies from them that have tequila mixed in.

At least these were paid for.

She hopes. No, she knows. Killian definitely paid for them.

“Oh,” Emma says, “I thought of another rule. It’s kind of a big one.”

“Is it now?”

“If you want to start sleeping with other people, you can. Just say the word if you meet someone like, you know, you usually do, and we can stop. There’s no need to do it if you’re sleeping with someone else.”

Killian’s brows furrow, and he scratches his chin. “I thought we had already decided I didn’t need to find someone? I don’t purposefully look for someone, by the way. It just happens.”

“Oh, yes, I’m so beautiful too that people just line up to sleep with me.”

“I mean, you are. You’d have to be blind not to know that.”

Emma swallows and tugs down the sleeves on the sweatshirt before crossing her arms over her chest, hugging her stomach tightly. She is not going to give herself enough time to process what he just said. “Anyway, I mean that if you meet someone and want to give it a shot, go for it. Give me the word, and we can start pretending I’ve never seen your dick before.”

“Well, I mean, you already did that one time at – ”

“That was an accident,” she giggles, “and totally your fault for leaving the door unlocked while you were changing.”

“There wasn’t a lock on the door.”

“Whatever.”

“Rule four,” Killian sighs, holding his fingers up, “is that I do not have to cook you breakfast if you spend the night.”

“No. That’s a shitty rule, KJ, and you know it! You cook me breakfast now. You can’t go back on it.”

“Alright, alright, if you insist,” he laughs as his hand reaches over toward her and curls her hair around his fingers. They’re warm and rough, and she has to admit that it’s comfortable to have him hold her hand like that. “You know, Liam is staying over at Elsa’s tonight?”

“Is he?” she asks. Emma swallows and shifts a little closer to Killian, the ocean breeze suddenly much warmer.

“He is, and he won’t be back until we open at ten.”

“So, enough time for breakfast then?”

Killian’s eyes crinkle with his laugh. “Is that going to be the only reason you come over?”

“Nah,” Emma sighs as she stands from her chair, “I also really like your dog.”

-/-

-/-

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[theoriginalladya]

THAT SCENE for Destiny's Fate (any of the stories therein)?

Okay, as much as I would like to answer this for Destiny’s Fate, I have not gotten to that part of the story yet, so I cannot share.  I’m so sorry!

HOWEVER, I’ll give you the two from the two prior stories instead.  How’s that?

From Destiny’s Road, (their ME1 story) it’s the scene right after Jane & Co. come out from talking to Vigil on Ilos.  She, Kaidan, Ashley, and Garrus get separated from everyone else, so they’re the only ones who can head down to the conduit.  Jane steps aside just before getting back into the Mako and contacts John who is back on the Normandy.

The elevator ride back up from speaking with Vigil was an unusually quiet one.  Only once they exited the shaft and were heading back to the Mako did the silence finally break.

Pausing outside the vehicle, Jane pressed her comm.  “John, are you there?”

“Right here, Jane,” he returned immediately.  “What do you need from us?”

Having him aboard ship already was probably the best thing to happen so far on a mission as messed up as this one had become.  Though she wanted to take the time to explain the conversation she’d just had and the mandate the prothean VI clearly wanted her to fulfill, she knew there was no time.  “Short version: The Citadel is a backdoor for the Reapers.  You’ve got to take the Normandy and get back there -- Saren’s already on his way!”

“Wait -- Jane, how --?”

Joker’s voice broke across the line.  “Commander, its Sovereign -- look at it!  That’s like that move I told you about on Virmire!”  Habit had Jane glancing upwards even though she couldn’t see anything but the walls of the building.

There was a moment of silence from the other end before John returned.  “Jane, what’s going on?”

Taking a deep breath, she instructed, “Follow Sovereign, John!  It’s heading to the Citadel!  The Citadel is a doorway for other Reapers to enter the galaxy from dark space where they’re waiting!”

There was a scratch of static before John’s voice asked, “How are WE going to stop it?”

Jane bit her lower lip.  The others were inside the Mako now and she needed to join them.  “Contact Hackett -- Anderson -- Alliance Command -- Udina -- the Citadel Fleet!  Get a hold of whoever you can – anyone -- just get them!  This thing is bigger than us.  We’re going to need all the help we can get!”

She started climbing into the Mako and was taking her seat when he replied, “But what about you?  We can’t just leave you here --!”

She glanced over at Alenko who was in his usual navigation seat and nodded that all was good to go.  Shifting the Mako into gear, she said, “There’s an access point here.  We’re taking that.  We’ll meet you there, front and center on the Presidium, got that?  Don’t be late or you’re buying the drinks afterwards.”  She tried to interject a little bit of humor into her tone, but she wasn’t sure it communicated in the moment.

“Jane …”

Biting her lower lip, her voice dropped nearly an octave as she pleaded with him.  “John, GO!  Please, don’t make me pull rank on you -- you know I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t believe it.”

Another long pause, and she could almost see his face in front of her as he debated.  She was about to call out to him again, to yell at him with all it took, to pull rank and then some, when he finally spoke.  “Fair winds, baby.”

Startled at the reference dating back to the early years of their marriage, Jane nearly choked on a sob.  “And following seas, love,” she whispered back.  Thankfully, none of the rest of her squad made comment and the drive continued in silence.

From Destiny’s Hand, (ME2 story), you might think it’s when Jane and John encounter one another on Horizon.  Actually, it isn’t.  It’s the scene on Arcturus after Jane’s death, where Kaidan and Ashley go with him back to the Shepard apartment there to help John clean out all of his and Jane’s belongings.  It’s a bit rough on John, as you might imagine, but both Kaidan and Ashley are there in their own ways to offer support.  Plus, I needed Kaidan to find the thing hidden away inside Jane’s Star of Terra for use later on.

“Skipper …?”

John either didn’t hear Williams or he chose to ignore her for the time being.  Alenko’s gaze drifted to look around the room, searching for some way, any way he could help his friend through what was no doubt the most devastating time of his life.  His eyes came to rest on a small frame resting on a small shelf on the wall above the vid screen.  It looked to be one of those old fashioned shadow box frames.  He caught a hint of color inside, a flashing glint of polished metal, and clarity followed a moment later.  Jane Shepard’s Star of Terra.  That might be a start.

Crossing the room, Alenko reached for the frame.  But before his fingers connected, a bellowing roar from behind him rumbled throughout the room.

“Skipper, wait!”

It was the only warning Alenko received, but it was enough.  Instinct triggered his biotic barrier in the same motion that he slid sideways a couple steps just as John’s hands reached out towards Alenko.  There was a wildness in the man’s action fueled by grief and anger as he snatched the frame from the lieutenant’s grasp.  Though startled, Alenko understood what was happening and why well enough that he didn’t try to stop the commander or defend himself.

Williams hurried over.  She paused beside Alenko, her hand touching his shoulder and tightening briefly in question.  He nodded, waving her off in assurance that he was okay.  Turning, she then took a tentative step towards Shepard.

John’s eyes locked onto the medal inside of the case, memories washing over and through him.  The day he and Jane met so many years before when he barrelled into her aboard the SSV Einstein.  Her brilliant smile when they graduated basic training together.  Abject terror mixed with intense pain and pride on Elysium while on their honeymoon as he watched her run off to finish the job they’d started together defending the colony against batarian slavers.  Jane’s embarrassment (she always hated being the center of attention) and irritation at the pomp and ceremony because of those actions and the resultant awarding of the Star of Terra.  The pure unadulterated joy in her eyes the day she achieved her rank of N7, proudly displaying her new colors to him afterward.  There were other moments bombarding him as well, but it was this last that stuck with him longest.  With another roar of grief, this one fueled by weeks of denial, he launched the frame across the room.

Williams lurched forward, catching Shepard beneath his shoulders with her shoulder and murmuring quiet words of comfort as he fell to his knees.  It was early days still, much too early for her words to serve as more than a reminder he wasn’t alone in his pain and loss.  He crumpled, crouching over and curling in on himself in the process.  After his outburst, he stayed silent, though the violent shaking of his shoulders indicated the level of his distress.

Alenko, feeling rather extraneous at this point, quietly crossed the room to examine the damage.  Though not a biotic, Shepard was strong and the frame had shattered upon impact with the wall.  It now lay on the carpet in a tangled mass of metal, glass and fabric.  The frame itself was bent out of shape and beyond repair.  The glass that had covered the front was broken into several larger pieces and multiple smaller ones.  In the middle of the mess was tangled a disheveled blue silk ribbon which, when traced around, looped through the actual Star of Terra.  Gingerly, he pulled this free, tucking it into his pocket for safe keeping before he started cleaning up the remaining debris.

Thank you so much for asking!  I promise, I’ll do my best to remember to mention when I hit that part of Destiny’s Fate, but for now I need to keep it quiet! :)

[cutie1365]

Brooklyn {II}

Title: Brooklyn

Chapter 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (1940s Wartime)

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: Language.

A/N: I haven’t tried to continue this story in over a year... I was so hopeful and passionate about it, I had a ton of ideas, and then the first part didn’t get the reaction I thought it would so I kind of put it on hold. So let me know what you think and if I should continue :)

Get caught up on part 1! Masterlist in my bio, click the story title for the series masterlist.

-      -       -      -      -      -      -

“No. No, no dad this can’t be right. You can’t go to war.” You turned back to your father, the letter now in your hand, “I- I could never support these kids on my paycheck, they need you. They just lost their mother, they can’t lose you too. They need you.”

“I don’t have a choice. They’re shipping us off tomorrow to England to train then fight on the front.” Your father took the paper out of your hand and laid it down on the desk next to his whiskey. He took another sip, like he’d accepted his fate.

“No, this isn’t right. You can’t go!” You cried.  

“Well someone’s got to!” He yelled back, and suddenly it clicked. You knew what you had to do. Turning to leave his room, the sudden shift confusing your father.

“Where are you going?” He asks, sternly.

“I just need time to think!” You turn around in the doorway.

“You can’t fix this, there’s nothing that can be done.” He scolded, he didn’t know what you were up to, but he didn’t want to give you any false hope that there was a way out of it.

“Watch me.” You snatched the paper off of the desk and attempted to exit his room once more.

“Y/N, I have to be there at five in the morning with those calls.” He warned.

“I just need time, don’t do anything just yet.” You turned back to him, now in the hallway, “I need time, go to sleep, I’ll figure this out.”

Back in your bedroom, you stared at the call time for what seemed like hours, trying to formulate a plan. Your father was right, someone had to go. But that didn’t mean it had to be him.

You quietly crept into the children’s room as they slept and made your way over to their toy chest. Lifting it slightly, cringing at the squeaky latch, you turned back to the boys to make sure they were still sound asleep. Once you were sure, you felt around in the chest, your fingers brushed the soft material, and you yanked it out before sneaking back into your room.

You tied your hair back best you could, making sure it was flat to your head. You pulled the wig you retrieved from the chest over your hair, smoothing it into place. You were pulled back to the memory of Dot having to play Romeo in her school’s Shakespeare production because no boys had auditioned. Reaching for the scissors on your dresser, you began to trim the wig into a more current hairstyle. Trying to make it as short as possible without revealing it was a wig.

Sneaking down the stairs into your mother’s old medicine cabinet, you pulled out the long elastic ace bandage. You turned to the pile of clean clothes on the washing machine and began going through your father's pile. Stacking the clothes in your arms, you quietly snuck back up the stairs into your bedroom.

You knew before you got dressed there was something you had to do. Laying the pile of clothes down on your bed, you made your way back into the children’s room.

“Dot.” You shook her gently.

“What?” She questioned in a groggy manner. You didn’t even know if she’d remember this conversation in the morning, but you had to talk to her before you left.

“Dot, please promise me you’ll take care of the boys, and dad.” You whispered.

She rolled over, maybe unsure if this was a dream or reality.

“Dot please you have to promise me.” You pleaded.

“Ok ok I promise, I’ll take care of them. What are you on about?” She whispers back, as the line between dream and reality begins to become more clear.

“I have to go away for a little while. I don’t know when I can come back. I have to do this, for you and the boys,” You bend down to kiss her on the forehead, “I love you.”

-      -       -      -      -      -      -

You wipe a tear away as you pull the freshly cut wig back on, staring at yourself in the mirror. You pulled your shirt over your head and reached for the ace bandage. You began to wrap it around your chest, as tight as you could, binding your breasts. It was so tight that it was almost hard to breathe, but it rendered you nearly completely flat chested, so you’d have to endure the pain.

You slipped on your father’s clothes, placing his hat over the surprisingly natural looking wig. You stuffed a pair of socks in his shoes before lacing them up so that they fit.

Holding the draft call in your hands, you stood outside your father's doorway. It was nearly three in the morning and you knew he’d be waking up soon. You looked back down the hall towards the children’s bedroom once more, a silent goodbye on your lips.

On the kitchen table you left a letter for your father. It was better this way, if you woke him you knew he’d never let you go through with this. Taking one more glance around the silent empty kitchen you sighed, and made your way out the door before your father could stop you or you could change your mind. The only thing on your mind now was getting to those docks and on that ship before he finds out you’re gone.

-      -       -      -      -      -      -

You could smell the salt water before you made it to the docks, alerting you to its proximity. As you turned the corner you saw a line of men going into a tent and a few people corralling them into line shouting.

“New drafts, go to the tent on the right for medical eval. Returning officers board on the right!” They yelled every few minutes as more men began to arrive.

“Shit.” You muttered to yourself, how could you think this would work?

As you made it to the front of the line they handed you a stack of last minute forms to fill out. You signed your life away, assuming your new identity: Jimmy Darling. The last form in the stack was the medical evaluation that had to be stamped and signed off by the doctor. Ok, be smart Y/N, you thought to yourself. You glanced at the paper of a man two seats away from you who already had his exam. You examined the signature, seems easy enough to force. You quickly scribbled on the line.

The next hurdle would be the stamp by the man at the podium. There were enough men huddled around it, if you bumped one he’d likely run into the commanding officer and cause him to drop the stamp. All you’d have to do is be close by when it falls, quickly stamping your form in the commotion. All you’d need was a diversion.

You made your way toward the podium and the growing line around it. You knocked into one man as you looped around to the left side of the podium, starting your desired chain reaction. The stamp fell at your feet just as expected. You held your form against your stomach and stamped it as you turned, handing it to the man next to the CO, motioning for him to hand it back to him. Growing up on the streets of Brooklyn had taught you a thing or two about being light fingered. You smirked as you glanced down at your forms, handing them to the skipper as he handed you your orders and ushered you onto the boat.

That’s when the gravity of everything hit you. What had you gotten yourself into? By now your father would probably be opening the letter as the kids began to trickle down the stairs for breakfast. You remembered your words as you followed the line of men into the bowels of the ship.

You were right dad, someone has to go. But I couldn’t let it be you. Please don’t try to stop me, I’ve made up my mind. Everything will be alright now. The boys and Dot need their father. This was the only way.

Laying your head down on the thin cot, you faced the wall, hiding a tear escaping from the corner of your eye. You didn’t need to talk to anyone, it would be easier to keep your identity hidden for as long as you could if you didn’t. You couldn’t risk getting caught before the ship departed. Once the ship leaves the dock, then you’d be in the clear. They wouldn’t turn the whole ship around just to kick you off. So you laid there, as more men trickled into the room. You glanced down to your orders: 107th infantry. You were really doing this...

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You must have fallen asleep for a few minutes because the feeling of the ship leaving the shore jolted you back to reality, there was no turning back now. You glanced around the room, a bunch of men surrounding their cots, chatting, some crying.

Suddenly the door opened and you saw a few sergeants in uniform walk in the room. They must be here to sort you into infantries and new rooms. Your mouth drops open for a moment as you see him. You’d completely forgotten about last night, clearly you’d had bigger things on your mind. Shit, you recognized him immediately. Your cover was definitely going to be blown.

He steps forward after the other men go through their lists. Your name hasn’t been called yet, well your new name.

“107th is going to be with me. If I call your name, we’ll be moving to the room next door.” Bucky said. Double shit. Of course you’d get stuck in the same infantry. As he calls names and men begin to gather near the door to follow him, you try your best to hide in the middle of them. Maybe he wouldn’t recognize you, he didn’t even know your last name so that wouldn’t give you away, maybe you’d be ok.

You’d chosen the cot in the corner, hoping to stay out of sight. Once all the men had filtered into the room, you watched Bucky making his rounds. He chatted with a few men before stopping next to you.

“Darling right? Jimmy?” Bucky said and you nodded. You tried to avoid eye contact.

“Where ya from Jimmy?” He asked, nothing in his voice or tone pointed to you getting caught, maybe he hadn’t figured it out.

“Brooklyn.” You answered, trying to make your voice deeper.

“Really? Me too.” He smiled, you only hummed in response.

“Where in Brooklyn?” He pressed, was this friendly conversation or an interrogation?

“Off of 9th and Main.” You answered vaguely.

“Isn’t that over by that diner, what is it- Tom’s Diner?” He asked with a smile. Shit.

“I guess, sure.” You nodded, looking off towards the rest of the room.

“That place is great, isn’t it? And there’s the most beautiful dame working there, what’s her name again?” He pressed, Jesus you were screwed.

“Stella.” You hummed, nodding and looking off into the distance once more, trying your best not to give up any facial expression that would compromise yourself anymore.

“No, no, not her, the other one. What’s her name- Y/N! That’s it!” He smirked as he continued making his rounds around the room. This was going to be a long war...

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Once it was time for dinner everyone got in line to go down to the mess hall. You found yourself at the back of the line, mindlessly following when you felt a hand on your back, pulling you through an open door.

“Do you think I’m stupid, doll?” Bucky asked as he let go of you.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Sergeant.” You straightened your shirt that he had pulled.

“Y/N, come on, I’d recognize that face anywhere.” He spoke far too loudly for the little supply closet you were in with an open door.

“Shh.” You slapped your hand over his mouth as you looked back towards the door making sure no one was passing, and kicked it closed with your foot before removing your hand from his mouth.

“What in god’s name are you doing here?” He scolded.

“Trying to do the right thing.” You answered honestly.

“For who? Because you’re about to get yourself killed.” He didn’t look amused.

“For my family ok, my father got drafted. The kids just lost their mom, we couldn’t survive without him.” You tried to explain, but even you realized how crazy it sounded.

“So impersonating him was the next logical solution?” He raised a brow.

“Well it’s worked out so far, hasn’t it.” You tried to smile, but he didn’t seem to be having it.

“You know where this ship is going don’t ya?” He asked.

“To England to train.” You answered plainly, as if it was obvious.

“And then the front, Y/n, the fucking front. This isn’t back alleys in Brooklyn, this is war.” He raised his voice, and you worried someone might have overheard.

“I know that Bucky. We all make sacrifices for the ones we love. I know that I may never see them again, but they’ll be safe and alive, and have a roof over their head. They’ll have food on the table, something I wouldn’t have been able to provide them. They’ll have their father, and nothing’s been the same since mom died but hell, they’ll have him. They need him, they don’t need me.” You explained.

“Shit,” He rubbed his head with his hand, he knew there was no arguing with you.

“If there was another way, I wouldn’t be here right  now. But there’s not, and were here, so I'm going to do what I can.” You nodded, placing your hands on your hips.

“What if someone else finds out?” He asked, almost as worried as you were. You realized what you’re doing is illegal. Very illegal.

“That’s a risk I'm willing to take Buck.”

“How’d you even pass the medical exam? I’m no doctor but even I would be able to,” he motioned towards your breast, ”you know.”

“Stole the stamp and forged a signature.” You spoke calmly, earning a sigh from Bucky.

“God Y/N, you're really serious about this. But have you realized you’re gonna have to train, and sleep, and bathe around these men.” He asked, thinking he’d found a flaw in your plan.

“I’ve thought about that.” You nodded, you did have about 8 hours to come up with this plan and a few ideas.

“And?”

“I’ll train, but when it comes time for the rest, I’ll join the nurses.” You spoke simply, like you weren’t even worried about it.

“You’re gonna get caught, I give it a week tops.” Bucky shakes his head.

“No one will find out.” You smiled, devilishly.

“Oh yeah, how can you be so sure?” He furrowed his brows.

“Because you’re gonna help me.” You smirked, and you just knew you’d make a hell of a team.

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[omglesmisfan]

Everything changes in Paris -Chapter 1

Amy carefully brought her brush to the canvas and made a thick brown line that would soon become the warm wood of a cabin in winter. She needed to be careful to not let it get botched by a smear. The setting after all is winter and so if she needs to cover it up, she’ll need to go over brown with white. That would mean several coats of paint, lots of waiting and no guarantee that it’ll come out looking like a nice cabin that is heart and warmth in a winter storm and not a bad cover up.

“Alright class, there is only fifteen minutes left. Please clean up your spot before you leave. That means you too, Monsieur Lalonde. I don’t want to see you leaving before your section is spotless.” Miss Charlotte spoke in French, her oil painting teacher looked pointedly at the teenage boy.

“Madame Charlotte, how could you think I would ever do something like that? I would never!” He replied.

“Oui, oui. Get to it.”

Amy rolled her eyes at the serial skipper of cleaning duties and returned to her painting. Once she’s done with the first coat of the cabin, she’ll go back to the snow that makes the front of the painting. She’s not satisfied with how the shading of the snow came out. Too dark. She’ll need to be careful not to touch the cabin. God forbid, a smudge! Oil painting takes so long to dry. It was a new experience. She was used to acrylic and watercolors. Water colours were so much easier. If she was using that right now, she could have simply dipped her brush into water and mixed it until it was a softer grey. Now, she had needed to wait until it finished drying before going over. Or else it won’t look right.

“Amy? Miss March?” Her teacher’s voice brings her out of the painting and into reality.

“Yes, miss Charlotte?”

“You haven’t started cleaning yet? You know how I feel about cleaning duty.”

“Yes, I know. But this isn’t skipping. I thought I would stay a bit after class to work on my painting. I wanted to fix a few mistakes before next class.”

“Your hard work is very satisfying for a teacher to watch and while I would usually let you. I’m afraid the studio is unavailable. It will be used for a rescheduled class by Mr. Chamberland.”

“Oh.” Amy said, “is there anyway I can stay and continue working? I’ll be quiet and I won’t get in anyone’s way.”

“If it was one of my classes I would but since this is another teacher that might not like it, I would have to say no. I’m sorry, you will simply have to look at the board for workshop times.”

Tearing one more look of longing towards her painting that feels distinctly unfinished. The flaws stick out to her like a sore thumb. She puts her brush in the water and takes her painting off the easel to put it on the drying table. She wants nothing more than to bring it to Aunt March’s home but she would have a fit. The first and only time she had done this, her great aunt had gone on and on about how if the paint splattered on her expensive floors and walls it would never come out. And heaven, what about the furniture. It’s all mahogany! After that, she had decided not to bring anymore homework back. After all, it wasn’t her home.

She texted Beth as she walked to the tram station. She had been worried for her older sister for a bit now. There was just a year of difference between them but sometimes, she felt like the older sister between the two. Beth was painfully shy and naive so growing up she couldn’t help but speak up for her when she was unable to speak around strangers. Not to mention, she seemed so fragile after she went through remission. She and her two oldest sisters, Jo and Meg couldn’t help but keep a close eye on her and whenever she seemed to struggle with something physically, they were there and ready to take over. Nevertheless, she worried now because she hadn’t heard from her in a while. She was always quiet and scared to make a fuss but they had promised to keep in touch and text every week that Amy was in Paris.

Hey Beth. Have you seen Meg and the twins? I’m missing my dose of cuteness

No. That’s not it. She erased the second and third sentence. She could simply ask that of Meg, it wasn’t a good excuse.

Hey Beth. Has Jo arrived home yet?

That should work. She was asking after the sister she barely kept in contact with that she knew was coming home for Christmas and once Beth responds she’ll simply ask if there’s anything bothering her or why she hadn’t replied to any of her texts last week. When she’d asked Marmee if anything was wrong with Beth, she had acted quite cagey but had given away nothing so she needed to get to the root of it all, Beth. She put her phone away and looked to both sides of the road as intended to cross the street. A flash of familiar dark curls catches her eye and they widen in astonishment.

“Laurie.” She whispers before a large smile takes over her face. “Laurie!” She repeats louder as she starts running across the street. “Laurie! Laurie!”

The man turns around just as she jumps into his arms. He stumbles backward slightly as his arms encircle her in a delayed reaction to her surprise attack. She squeezes tightly.

“Amy! I can’t believe it!” He said as she released him. “I planned to come see you at Aunt March’s residence once I got more settled but what a wonderful surprise!”

She giggled excitedly. “You can’t believe it? I can’t believe it! I had no idea you were going to be in Paris at all!”

What a rush! She couldn’t believe she was seeing him after so long. Her childhood friend and first love. He was still so gorgeous. She hadn’t seen him in two years and she looked over him quickly to see if anything was different. If it was possible, her smile grew wider still. He looked mostly the same. He hadn’t lost the androgynous quality that he had always held by bulking up (thank god for that) or the mischievous glint in his eye that he had throughout their childhood. The only real difference was the moustache and beard he was clearly trying to grow but at twenty two, the man appeared to still be unable to grow anything more than a few hairs.

“I’m doing a year abroad before being forced into the workforce! I wanted to surprise you but looks like you surprised me!” Laurie exclaimed.

“I was just getting back from class and to think we would’ve missed each other!” She laughed.

“Look at you, you look beautiful!” He took one of her hands and twirled her in a circle. “Aunt March is spoiling you, your clothes look all very designer and expensive!”

“They are!” She couldn’t help but say gleefully. Unlike Meg, she didn’t know a time when their family had money but since staying at Aunt March she got to live a bit of the upper echelon of life as her aunt liked to dress her up to the nines. Who is she to say no to that?

He grabbed a hold of her chin and her heart almost stopped. Well, she thought wryly, seems he hasn’t lost that particular effect on her. In a delighted tone, he joked “You’ve really grown into your nose!”

“Oh, stop it!”

“No really! And your mouth!” He moved her chin from side to side.

She blushed and got out of his hold.

“You’re embarrassing me.” She smiled as she said this as she did not want him to think her cross with him. On the inside, she was seriously dying of embarrassment. She had worked so hard to mature and act more grown up since Beth was diagnosed. All that work gone within a second of seeing her old friend by accident.

“Uh hum.” A loud clearing of the throat interrupted the two. Amy turned towards it and saw two girls who rivaled Meg in beauty looking at them disdainfully. One of them went so far as having her hands on her hips as if to say ‘well, you’ve kept me waiting long enough’. It was a twelve year old Amy move that she recognized. That girl wished she could have the demanding princess attitude that she had held. As it is, Laurie, used to little Amy doing that, simply looked over at her before casually throwing an arm around Amy.

“Rachel, Marianne. This is Amy, she’s a friend from back home.” When that didn’t

change much and their posture continued to say ’so?’, he said “she’s studying at l’École des Beaux-Arts on a scholarship.”

She blushed once more as he bragged about her accomplishment even as she herself stood straighter at the pride in his voice. The girls stares grew colder on the other hand.

“I was planning to go see her in a few days but well,” he gestured towards her as an explanation.

It was comical how confident and casual he was in the face of their displeasure. Then again, he and Jo had never cared about others' opinions. They would be as loud and obnoxious as they wanted without fear of what others thought. It was something she had always admired about them. Amy always wondered about what others thought of her. If they thought she was pretty or if her nose was too much like her father’s. He had such an ugly nose and when she was younger, she had always found it unfair that her sisters all seemed to inherit her mother’s nose.

“We heard.” Discount twelve year old Amy said in a dry voice.

His hand squeezed her arm from where it was perched upon her shoulder and he continued. “Well, it was nice to meet you girls but I’ve got to catch up with my old friend. I’ll see you around.”

And with that, he turned them, her still tucked beneath his arm, towards the tram. If her younger self saw her in this position, she would just die. She had dreamed of the day her crush would choose her over other girls publicly. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at them because then it would be official and she would seriously be in mind at least a twelve year old.

“You’re going to Aunt March’s, right?”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“Didn’t you hear, I’m following you.” He threw another one of his smiles towards her as the mischievous glint in his eye increased by tenfold. “Wherever you’re going, I’m going too.”

She laughed and gripped his jacket as she tucked herself closer to his body. It was just for body heat. She had long gotten over the crush she’d had on the older boy. She used to do this all the time with him as they’d had quite an affectionate bond. The fact that he’d always been willing to cuddle with her had seriously not helped her crush. Time and distance had given her what she needed to get over him. She had gotten plenty of that when he had left, when she was fifteen, for university and stayed in the dorms.

As the tram sped and the view outside was a blur due to the speed, the two of them laughed and talked about his latest misadventures at King's College. She looked up from where she was sitting in the single aisle seats as he stood in front of her.

“So what do you want to do now with your life now that you’ve graduated?” The boy she knew was charming and smart (he had gone to a very prestigious London university after all), there were so many doors open to him. He could do whatever he wanted.

“Right now, I want to talk to a pretty blonde on a tram in Paris.” He said with an easy smile.

“I’m serious!” Amy laughed. “Are you going to work at your grandfather’s firm?”

“Never!” He said vehemently. “My good looks need to be shared with the world.” He gestured with an arm everybody in the tram. She intended to pursue the matter a bit further when her phone buzzed.

She took it out and it was from Beth.

Hi Amy. Jo just got here two days ago. Were going to watch a nightmare before Christmas.

She smiled in relief that she finally got more than virtual silence from her sister.

“Who’s it from?” Laurie asked. “Don’t tell me, little miss Amy has a boyfriend and she’s never introduced us? For shame!”

“No! Don’t be an idiot Laurie! It’s Beth.” She laughed.

“How is she? I haven’t seen her in a while either.”

“Good. Apparently Jo just got home from New York.”

She regrets the sentence the second it leaves her mouth. His eyes dimmed and the smile left his face for a moment. Compelled to say something for her friend, she ended up saying, “She really misses you.” Anything but that! Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

“Yes well. It’s hard to keep in touch when you live in two different time zones.” He said in a tight voice. Oh great, he knew she knew. He probably already suspected it as she and her sisters had never kept any secrets from each other but still.

It wouldn’t feel nice if anyone knew her biggest heartbreak at any rate. She kept hers under lock and key. Everyone in the March family knew Laurie’s. It came with the territory of being great friends with the entire family and anyone could see how he felt about her. The two had been like twins separated at birth, perfectly alike in personality. They had all been waiting for the two of them to announce they’re dating for years. It had come to a surprise to all but Marmee when Jo rejected him.

“You would know. Have you had a hard time keeping up with your family since staying in France?”

“At first but we send each other emails all the time when we want to talk a lot. We also did a schedule of what time it’s appropriate to skype each other. Beth and I have a regular texting day.”

Laurie raised an eyebrow.

She clarified, “We text on Friday’s after 3pm.”

“Ahhh. Now you’ve heard all about my screw ups and I’ve heard about your family but what has little miss Amy been up to? Tell me everything.” He said with a large grin.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22574569/chapters/53945239

[coolcattime]

Home and Free: Chapter Nine - Be Our Guest!

Characters: Captain Capsize, Sonja Firefox, Skipper Redbeard, Jordan Captainsparklez, Tucker Jericho, Tom Syndicate, Martha the Mystic, Mot Screziato, Alyssa Countybat, Waglington, Farmer Steve, Prince Andor, Jeriah, Lady Ianite (mentioned)

Relationship: Captain Capsize/Sonja Firefox, Captain Capsize/Jordan Captainsparklez (onesided)

AO3 Link

Full Story Tag

Tom had to hand it to the new girl, when she said she could stay in a room forever, she might actually mean it. Okay, so maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, it had only been a few hours after all, but that was more than enough time for Tom to regret volunteering to keep watch. A few hours were far longer than he thought he’d have to wait for her to emerge. He’d never been the best at waiting around, and the years of having literally nothing to do haven’t exactly made him better. So maybe he had decided to wander off briefly, just to do something other than endlessly waiting. He couldn’t have been gone for more than a few minutes.

The problem came when he returned to find the door to the room open. That by itself would’ve been a good thing, but the room was also empty, their new guest nowhere to be seen. And that was more than enough to make him panic. Of course, she’d wandered off the moment he wasn’t looking, that was just his luck. If he didn’t find her, he’d get more than an earful from Martha, which sounded less than appealing after spending most of the last day experiencing one of her lectures. However, he didn’t actually know where the woman could’ve gone, though at the very least he was sure she couldn’t have gone far. So, after her he tried to go.

The corridors of the castle were far too familiar to him after all this time. They’d already been familiar before the curse had begun, and now being unable to leave the place, they’d almost become maddening. They weren’t quite the same as they had been before the curse, everything seemed darker and just more stretching, though perhaps that was the fact he was so much smaller than he was before. It was confusing, the layout hadn’t changed, but everything felt distinctly different. However, the oddness of the effect of the curse on the building itself wasn’t important right now, finding the girl was. Thankfully, he knew the only place she’d logically be heading. He just had to hope he got to the entrance hall before she left, presuming she had headed in that direction, because if not he had actually lost her.

Now, he didn’t know the girl personally, a fact that he was mostly glad for, but it did mean that he didn’t have a lot of guesses for what she might be interested in finding, except for the obvious guess of her trying to find food. Of course, she had no reason to actually know where the food was, but he assumed heading downstairs would be her first guess. He didn’t like basing it all on guessing, but he really did need to find her. If she tried doing something that would get Fluffles attention, like exploring the West Wing or leaving the grounds, well then there was no way she’d keep her temper under control. He didn’t think there’d be any plan he could come up with to get them to like each other if there was another blow up like earlier. So, he needed to find her and show her the sort of welcome that would make her feel like the guest that she was.

🌹 🌹 🌹

Capsize looked around the darkened corridors, wishing she could rid herself of the lingering nerves as they were kind of dampening her spirit of exploration. Of course, maybe caution was not the worst thing to feel when exploring a magical castle with an angry beast possibly lurking around any corner, but she didn’t want to be cautious. She wanted to feel like herself, to feel brave and not like she was cowering. Though today had been the first time she had felt like herself in quite a while, or at least like she wasn’t being constantly judged for being herself. That thought made a smile play on her face. It almost felt ridiculous. She had been so scared and exhausted, and, if she was being honest, she still was, but she hadn’t bitten back what she wanted to say. Gods, despite everything, that was refreshing.

She couldn’t stop looking at her current surroundings, attempting to find hidden details she was sure were there. The first time she’d been on the stairs, she’d been far too worried to properly take in any of it. She hadn’t known at the time that she was somewhere enchanted, nor would she have been able to guess just by looking around. It was odd, this place had rune enchantments, she had seen it herself, but they weren’t physically carved. It was rather as if they reacted to presences, only appearing when needed. Or at least she didn’t understand them enough to come up with another explanation.

However, despite not understanding how exactly the place was hiding its enchantments, she still found herself examining the details of the place. This place, even with the dust and surface damage, was by far the richest she had ever been in. It was intriguing. This place had the appearance of a royal castle, one in some disrepair, yes, but it didn’t feel like it had been abandoned at any point. Nothing was crumbling or cracked, at least not by her eye. It more gave the appearance that there was merely no reason to clean.

So why didn’t this place exist, neither in her memory or on maps? It couldn’t have just appeared out of nowhere, so why hadn’t she had any idea of its existence until today? Now, that was a question she couldn’t get out of her head. That gave her an answer to find.

Surely, somewhere in this place, there was an answer as to why it was so hidden. And she supposed that even if there wasn’t, she’d find something while exploring that would catch her interest. Even if she was stuck here, this was still somewhere new, somewhere she hadn’t completely memorised. That by itself was exciting. Though she paused as she descended the stairs and found herself staring at the grand doors that made up the front entrance. What was stopping her from leaving right now?

Obviously, there wasn’t anything stopping her from going outside. She’d been told she was free to explore the grounds, but what about beyond that? She took a few cautious steps towards the doors, there had to be something right? Some enchantment that would stop her from riding out the gate. It couldn’t just be her own promise. Of course, she wasn’t just going to leave, even if it was possible. She’d given her word, and she did mean it. Red’s life had been spared and she wasn’t about to go back on her promise. She couldn’t. She wasn’t a liar, wasn’t the person to go back on a deal. Even if she really should. Even if it might be the easiest thing in the world. She sighed, stopping her approach towards the doors. Why was she like this?

“Ah, Miss! There you are!” A loud voice from the top of the stairs pulled her attention back where she had come from. She saw a small flame at the top of the stairs. She approached, moving back up the stairs to see who was speaking. It was perhaps the best description of the day she had experienced that she was not surprised to find herself facing a candelabra. He was as fancy as the previous three alive furniture pieces she had met, and quite obviously was alive himself. The gold was painstakingly carved and detailed to look like a man. Almost too painstaking by her judgement as she’d never seen any trinket with such detail, but here one was. She couldn’t argue against the fact that clearly someone must’ve made one. He looked up at her with a confident smile. Capsize wished it wasn’t such a pain for her to crouch as she felt a little awkward looking down at him, but there was unfortunately little she could do about that. “I didn’t think I’d find you exploring tonight.”

“Oh, believe me, I hadn’t planned on it,” She admitted with a laugh, a little more casual than she had expected to be. She had been fully prepared to remain locked in that room for the rest of the night, possibly even longer. She’d been exhausted, her body ached, and she was sure she’d just fall asleep. Sleep hadn’t come. Instead, she’d begun to feel the itch, acknowledging the impossible to ignore thought that she wanted to explore. It had taken a while. She needed to be sure that the Beast wasn’t going to return, that she wasn’t going to be caught. Of course, she had been caught, but she wasn’t scared of that fact, because, she realised, she had seen the candelabra before. He’d been in the alcove of the stairs that lead towards the cells. So, she’d been right, the light had been moving. He led her to her brother. She hoped that meant she could trust him. “I’ve not been anywhere new in years… I wasn’t about to sit around when I could be exploring. Though I don’t believe we’ve been introduced, Mister…”

“Tom! Tom Syndicate, at your service!” The candelabra spoke with enthusiasm at a volume unexpected from someone so small. He bowed slightly, though the gesture seemed more playful than serious. Capsize couldn’t help but smile, which in turn made Tom grin. This was going to be easier than he thought. He could make her feel like a guest. He could probably help her explore too. He knew all this place’s secrets after all. Then maybe, when they got to know each other a little, he could get her to tell him some of the goings on in the town. Obviously, his own curiosity wasn’t all that important, but who could blame him for wanting to know about the outside world after years of isolation? “And you’re Capsize, you’ve caused quite a stir.”

“I suppose you can call it that,” She said, though she felt quite sure he was downplaying the situation. Causing a stir sounded minor, while she felt the Beast’s reaction warranted a stranger term being used. Yet she still smiled. She’d yelled and fought and said no to something she desperately didn’t want to do, and she wasn’t worried about that fact. She didn’t need to be worried about the opinions of townspeople who didn’t respect her anyway. Despite everything else, that felt refreshing. Sure, maybe she’d rather be back having to constantly bite back her words lest she offend the town hero. Better that than a prisoner, right? But she’d take satisfaction and little victories where she could. “I don’t think Miss Fox would describe it so gently.”

“Well, Fluffles’ has her—Fox?” He cut off his own words at the nickname. Of course, he’d been there when she’d said to call her whatever she wanted, but he hadn’t expected something quite so normal. He guessed a fox was the animal she looked most like, even if the size made the comparison not feel quite right in his head.

“It felt right,” Capsize shrugged. It felt wrong to call someone clearly intelligent Beast. Possibly an apt description given her actions, but still it reminded her too much of Jordan and his hunting. Though the name Fluffles did bring her a little amusement. “If she doesn’t like it, she can voice her complaints with her other ones.”

“Well, I doubt she’ll care what you call her, but speaking of her complaints,” He said, a little annoyed but not towards the woman in front of him. Sure, it would’ve been nice to get this all done and dusted in one night, but he could accept a slightly slower approach. Then she’d nearly ruined everything. Well, maybe that was an extreme way to put the situation, but she’d definitely made things harder. Still, what could he do but continue trying to make this situation work? To somehow break the curse? “I assume you’re hungry.”

“Yes…” She admitted, feeling embarrassed to do so. It wasn’t until after her very clear refusal of dinner that she actually realised how hungry she was. She hasn’t thought to eat after the disastrous ‘date’ with Jordan, and she’d barely eat during. She’d just had enough emotions ruining through up until now that she hadn’t realised that she was hungry. Of course, she’d deal with it, though. She didn’t need to get anyone in trouble for her sake. “But you don’t need to worry about that. I should be able to figure something out.”

“Nonsense! You’re a guest, I’m not gonna let you go sneaking about scavenging for food,” He found her confidence at being able to do so admirable, but he wasn’t going to let her go hungry. He was nowhere near scared enough of the Beast to listen to her orders of starving her. He doubted she really wanted that anyway. If she did, they had bigger problems than this curse. But he wasn’t going to wait for her to calm down to start making Capsize actually feel like a guest. Capsize herself felt a little hesitant. A guest? She really didn’t feel like the description fit, but he spoke with so much enthusiasm that she really didn’t want to object. And she wasn’t about to turn down a meal that didn’t include company she’d rather avoid. She wasn’t quite at the point of actually starving herself for the principle of it. “Seriously, just come with me, I’ll make sure you get the best meal of your life!”

“Well, I can’t turn down an offer like that,” She said, finding herself unable to turn down such enthusiasm. With confirmation from her, Tom began to lead her towards the dining room. As they moved, a quiet settled between the two. Not an uncomfortable one, as neither truly noticed it. Tom was quickly trying to figure out how much he could persuade Martha, who was probably still in the kitchens, that this was a good idea. He could already tell she was going to be a bother about it, want something simple when they could show off and be impressive. Meanwhile, Capsize was once again wondering about the talking furniture. Now, maybe that wasn’t her best idea as she knew that attempting to figure out why they acted so much like people was not going to be a question she could figure out. The amount of magic it would take to enchant objects in such a way, she wasn’t sure that anyone had such power. But someone had to have enchanted them, because the only other option was… well, she preferred not to think about it. Luckily, the walk was short, being over long before her considerations could go anywhere too similar to reality.

Capsize looked around the new room with the same level of curiosity she had the rest of the building. There was still a fear, an anxiety at the end of her mind about the whole situation. If she was being honest with herself, she didn’t feel completely safe. How could she feel safe? There was still a Beast lurking somewhere and she was doing something she had explicitly been told not to do. Well, she’d just have to deal with that if Fox made a reappearance, and right now deal with her mind not being at ease.

Tom looked at her, seeing curious eyes but a hesitant stance. She wasn’t quite rigid, but she was certainly close to it, almost reluctant to move despite clearly wanting to. He frowned briefly. He almost didn’t want to leave her for the short amount of time it would take to get her some food, but he didn’t really have a choice. Well, the sooner he left the sooner he could come back. So, he looked to her with as comforting a smile as he could.

“I’ll be back in a couple minutes. Relax, make yourself at home,” He said, hoping his words would have some benefit to her mood. And after those words he hopped off through a different door, leaving Capsize alone in the darkened room.

She remained still for a moment, staring after him as the light he gave out disappeared. It was only once she could no longer see it that she actually moved. She wondered if she was being too cautious in not wanting to be alone, or not nearly cautious enough in trusting a stranger. She decided that she was closer to the former, if only for her own sake. She had a new room to explore after all, no point in worrying.

The dining room, as she had to assume she had found herself in, was not the most comforting place to be. Mostly because she knew this was likely where she was meant to have eaten dinner earlier. And it felt cold. Not literally, though the fireplace was out in the corner, but rather it just had an air of loneliness. In the centre of the room was a long table, one that as she ran her fingers across it, she got the sense that it had not been eaten at for a very long time. That was perhaps the reason she felt this room was so wrong. Aside from the echo of her footsteps and the shadows cast by the thick curtains hanging from near the top of tall walls sweeping all the way to the floor that cast a dark atmosphere onto the room’s current state, there was a feeling that this place had not been host to joyful meals in the past.

She did not want to remain here. Mostly for the previously mentioned atmosphere, but she felt distinctly like she didn’t belong in this room. It was a feeling she had had throughout most of the castle. This place, even without the magic, was somewhere she should not be. It was regal and beautiful, and she was… well, she was a merchant. She didn’t belong somewhere like this and that brought back all the feelings that had slowly been taking root in her mind back in the town. The feelings of being odd and not fitting in, the kind that made her just feel so utterly small.

Attempting to take her mind off that feeling, she looked down the corridor that Tom had disappeared down. Though it was dark, she could tell it was nowhere near as fancy as the current room she was standing in, or for that matter any of the other rooms she’d been through thus far with the exception of the tower cells. Thankfully it wasn’t similar to the cells. Rather it felt more like it was simply designed to be practical, not needing to be shown off, just somewhere behind the scenes. Now she had been told to wait for the candelabra to return, and she had absolutely no reason to believe it would take long for him to do so. However, Capsize had always been perhaps a little too curious for her own good, and well, she wanted to see where he’d gone. Maybe she’d find something that gave her some answers to the questions about this place that were prickling away in her head.

So, she began to make her way down the corridor. She made a conscious effort to step softer than she normally would, to keep her boots and cane hitting the ground quiet so she wouldn’t be heard by the person she was following. Now she didn’t particularly think she’d be in any trouble for following him, but she wanted to see what she could learn while people didn’t know she was around. The corridor wasn’t long, only taking about a minute for her to see light and hear voices. She slowed her pace more, making sure to stick to the shadows. She knew eavesdropping was never the best idea, but right now she just wanted to quell her curiosity.

“Oh, come on, please, I’m asking for one meal, not a banquet,” The rather annoyed voice of Tom came into focus. Immediately she felt a twinge of guilt. Of course, helping her was causing him trouble. She should’ve known it would, no matter what reassurance he gave.

“Interesting. Let me remember what happened last time you asked me to help you with cooking,” A gruff, heavily accented voice replied. To describe the man as sounding annoyed would be heavily understating how he sounded. She felt pretty clearly though that she lacked context as when on earth would the candelabra have needed help cooking?

“Well, it’s not like that can happen again.”

“Because that makes it so much better!”

“I feel like I’ve apologised more than enough times for asking you to take over that night.”

“No, I think I need to hear it at least a couple more times! If you haven’t noticed I’m—”

“You should really come in, darling. They’ll bicker until the end of time if not,” A woman’s voice cut through the increasing volume of the men. Capsize, who had been slowly creeping more towards the room, completely froze at realising she had been heard. She ended up skittishly entering the room, as if she was a child about to be in trouble.

She found herself in a kitchen, one that was large and well-kept, but not one that she felt was in any way overly fancy. It was somewhere to be used, not to be viewed by guests at all. Though, of course, it still had three talking furniture pieces, which at this point she couldn’t exactly say they were unusual to see. Aside from Tom, there were the two others, lining up with the voices she had overheard. On a large wooden table alongside Tom, was an ornate table clock. Or at the very least, Capsize presumed that she was a clock due to the winding key on the back of her, but her face didn’t have any hands. Though, due to the actual face that was painted onto that of the clock face, she presumed that having clock hands would simply get in the way of her being able to see.

The other was, well, different from all the others she’d seen so far. Had his face not been so clear she may not have considered him being alive at all. The stove, a large wood burner affixed to the wall, was the other talking furniture in the room. All the others she had met thus far had been small, able to move around, but he clearly wasn’t and that… that gave her pause. She couldn’t blame him for being annoyed in such a position.

“Ah, I… How long have you been listening?” Tom asked, realising nervously that she might’ve learned some things that he really couldn’t easily explain. Thankfully they hadn’t directly mentioned the curse, that they were all transformed humans, but they had definitely gotten close and if that information got revealed there was really no taking it back.

“Not long! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have followed you, I just…” She mulled over her words. She didn’t really want to explain that she’d felt uncomfortable, because the feeling wasn’t something they could fix. However, that left her without any real reason to explain why she had followed after him. “I want to see as much of this place as possible. I’ve never been anywhere like this.”

“Well, I doubt there’s many places like this in general,” Martha said, knowing a place with this level of magic really couldn’t exist anywhere else. She certainly hadn’t found another place like this in her travels prior to all this. Annoyingly, if the castle hadn’t been so impressive and unique in that sense, she wouldn’t have even stayed. Even if she was now frankly sick of being here, she could still understand why someone would find it fascinating. At the very least, the woman was finding something to enjoy in here. Of course, she did need to work something out with her having a meal. “Here, I’ll get you some leftovers—”

“Oh, come on, we can give her something warm,” Tom complained. He wanted to make her feel special. How was he meant to do that with leftovers?

“You really don’t need to go to any trouble,” Capsize quickly insisted. “Leftovers are—”

“Hang on a minute. That accent, where are you from?” The stove cut her off before she could insist on the leftovers being fine. And Capsize looked at him with questions on her own lips. Why on earth did he care about her accent? Well, she supposed he had an accent, but she still had far too many questions about the nature of the objects. However, she decided it was likely best right now to just answer the question and attempt to figure out all her confusing thoughts later.

“Ianerea, originally anyways. I spent most of my life on ships, and then I ended up in the town for the past two years,” She said, now acutely aware of her accent. It was another thing that had been pointed out a lot when she had first moved to the town, though that had thankfully faded over time compared to the other comments. Now she was again a little self-conscious. However, the stove smiled. Why hadn’t either of them mentioned she wasn’t some prissy noble? Well, maybe they had, he hadn’t really been in the mood to listen.

“So, you’re a worker? Not a layabout noble like these two.”

“Hey! I work!”

“Love you too, darling.”

“Yes, I work. Well, I did, not exactly gonna be doing much here,” She said, sure most people would be happier than she felt about not having to work. The stove smiled a little wider. Now he still really didn’t want to cook, which was an extremely annoying state for a stove to be in, but he couldn’t find it in himself to reject this girl. She hadn’t done anything wrong and, like quite a few people in this place, she was a long way from home.

“Alright, I’ll make you something, but don’t go telling Beasty. I’m not in the mood to deal with one of her tantrums,” He said, still sounding gruff, but attempting to be friendly. And Capsize felt, oddly enough, that she could feel safe here.

“Don’t worry, I’m not planning on seeing her at all if I can avoid her,” She said, not being gentle with her tone. She knew what she had agreed to, she wasn’t about to leave, but she also wasn’t going to interact with Fox if she could at all avoid it. Tom and Martha shared a look, one more worried than anything. They needed the two to interact, obviously they had no chance of the curse breaking if not. Yet they couldn’t exactly argue with her not wanting to. Tom had loosely planned for this and gave Martha a nervous smile to attempt to communicate that he had some sort of plan. Martha, trying her best not to doubt whatever he might have planned, hopped forward.

“Well, I doubt you’ll see her much. She’ll likely be in her room for the next couple of days. She really doesn’t come out much,” She said, hoping to be reassuring. And her words certainly were as Capsize realised that she’d likely be free to explore without fear for the next few days. That idea genuinely excited her, something not unnoticed by the others in the room. It was refreshing in a way, to see someone new, even with the reality of everything. “And if you do need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you, that’s very much appreciated, Miss…”

“Martha, darling, Martha Conway. And this is Steve, my fiancé,” The clock introduced with a smile. Again, Capsize felt an itching in her mind. Where had she heard the name Conway? Why was it bugging her so much? She felt like it was important, else would her mind be so focused on trying to figure it out, but she just couldn’t put her finger on why on earth it felt so familiar. As all her thoughts focused on the same issue, Capsize grew quiet.

Tom looked at Steve as she was distracted, smiling as he attempted to gauge his opinion of her. He had to like her, right? Steve rolled his eyes, how Syndi had managed to get exactly what he wanted was beyond him. Of course, he never could stay annoyed at him for long, even if being asked to cover for him one night had left him literally stuck to a wall. However, even if he did like him, he didn’t want him grinning like an idiot at him while he was cooking. So, with another roll of his eyes, he spoke.

“Take her back to the dining room, Syndi. Martha will bring it when it’s ready.”

🌹 🌹 🌹

The dining room felt less oppressive with company and a lit fireplace, enough so that Capsize didn’t feel uncomfortable eating there as she thought she would. Maybe she was just hungry enough that a warm meal was more than enough to make her feel safe. However, she couldn’t deny that she was enjoying Tom’s company. How long had it been since she had met someone who seemed genuinely friendly and wanted to get to know her? It was nice, even if some of the things he was saying seemed completely ridiculous.

“You’re telling me you’re a cook?” She asked with more than a little doubt in her tone. Now she didn’t exactly want to assume based off of appearances, but he was a candelabra. She felt like that really limited his ability to cook. Sure, he was probably able to heat things up, and she’d seen non-sentient objects move around on their own in this place, but she still couldn’t quite believe that he would be able to cook full meals. Tom grinned, because obviously he knew that what he was saying was true, but he also knew how it sounded ridiculous and that made it all the more fun.

“Yeah! Well, it wasn’t really a job, more of a volunteer thing,” He said, entertained by the bewildered look growing on her face. He knew that if Martha could hear him right now, he’d be getting a lecture about how they’re meant to be keeping the curse hidden. But he didn’t see any harm in what he was doing. He just sounded like he was making things up. Even if she did figure out that they all used to be human, there were explanations they could give that didn’t involve the curse. Oh course, Capsize just found herself with more questions from his statement.

“I dread to ask, but what is your job then?” She asked, more than a little curious. Because logically he shouldn’t really have a job beyond lighting up a room, but she had the distinct feeling that wasn’t going to be his answer. They were all a bit too human like for their tasks to simply be what they were designed for. Tom again smiled a little too widely.

“Champion of Dianite, at your service,” He said with a bow and a flourish. Capsize laughed almost immediately.

“Really? You’re Lord Dianite’s champion?” She said, convinced she must have misheard because, well, it was unbelievable. She leant forward, resting her elbow on the table to prop her head up on her hand. She still wasn’t quite eye level with him, but she was close enough with him standing on the table. He could see the amount of doubt on her features and hear it in her words. He wasn’t quite sure how to take it. On one hand, he had expected doubt. After all, he knew that no one remembered him. However, he still was a little nervous because… well, he had no idea if the forgetting also extended to his god. He was scared that it had, and that in turn he might’ve been replaced. He absolutely couldn’t stand that idea.

“The one and only! Haven’t you heard of me?” He said, making sure to keep his joking tone. Even knowing that she couldn’t have possibly heard of him, she might’ve heard of another Dianitee champion. Capsize mulled over her words. On one hand, she wanted to reject the idea outright. Firstly, she was pretty sure she’d know if Lord Dianite had a champion. Secondly, with all the frustrations Jordan had caused her, she’d rather not think about the concept of champions if she could avoid it. Yet, she couldn’t help but grin, because this felt ridiculous. She wanted to know where this was going.

“I’m afraid I haven’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure Lord Dianite doesn’t have a champion,” She said, maybe with a little too matter of fact a tone judging by Tom’s reaction. He had no idea if he should be disappointed or not. He hadn’t been replaced, there was a comfort in that, but even if he already knew, it was disheartening to hear that he basically didn’t exist. His frown was brief, and he tried to hide it, but Capsize did notice.

Did Lord Dianite have a champion? She hadn’t heard of one, nor had she been told about one by either of the champions or Ianite. However, thinking about the idea caused the same itching feeling that she got when thinking about the name Conway. No, not quite the same, here she was sure she didn’t have the information, but all the same her mind itched as if she should. Now, why was that? But no matter the cause for the annoying feeling of missing something she really should know, she didn’t focus on that, because she felt bad for that frown.

“I mean, I don’t think he has a champion. I’ve met the other two, and I assumed that I’d have met a third if Lord Dianite did have one.”

“So, the other two still live in town?”

“Unfortunately,” She said without thinking. Her eyes went wide when she realised what she’d just said. A level of panic setting in despite how she wasn’t there anymore, it shouldn’t matter that she’d just insulted him. And it was Tom’s turn to be dumbstruck.

“What… Have the champions… done something to you?” He didn’t know quite how to phrase his question, because he almost felt the idea was extreme, but she had sounded so disdainful. What had happened in the years since the curse? Had his fellow champions changed that he’d no sooner recognise them than they’d recognise him?

Tucker was his friend, had been for years. It was hard to believe that he could’ve changed completely even if it had been years since their last meeting. He’d only met Jordan a few months before the curse, but he had seemed nice enough. Sure, now he had a less than stellar opinion of the goddess herself, but he still had some good memories of her champion. But he’d not seen them in years, meanwhile she had. And her tone, her expression, it left him very little doubt that at least one of them had done something.

Capsize chewed the inside of her cheek. She hadn’t really discussed her issues with Jordan with anyone besides Red, who had never really gotten it. Maybe because she’d held back the worst of it from him, even if she desperately wanted to voice all her complains. She could do so now, she supposed. However, she didn’t quite feel right sharing her problems with someone she’d barely met. But, if not now, when she was completely free of the judgement of the townsfolk, then when was she going to?

“I… I guess yes. I mean, he hasn’t hurt me, or done anything like that, but Ianite’s champion kind of… well, he doesn’t leave me alone. Ever since he found out that I… follow Ianite he seemed to just get obsessed with the idea of me. He’s never gotten to know me, but acts like I owe him attention,” She tried her best to articulate it, to actually express how he made her feel uncomfortable. Of course, she still didn’t mention certain things as just the idea of them brought a little too much anxiety to her mind. Just thinking about the proposal made her throat feel dry, she didn’t want to talk about that any more than she wanted to see Jordan. And she also hesitated to share about her connection to Ianite. Sharing that fact that had started the whole mess.

Tom did pick up that she was hiding something about her closeness to the goddess, seeing the lack of honorifics when speaking about her compared to when she was talking about Dianite, but he decided it was best not to push. After all, it was probably better for the time being that she kept any connection beyond following the goddess a secret, lest the Beast find out and react in the extreme.

Though frankly Tom was kind of speechless, because he couldn’t imagine Ianite’s champion acting in such a way. Not because he disbelieved her, in fact he believed her more than anything that she was likely holding back most of the actual details seeing how hard it appeared for her to say the words she had. But given that they’d all been cursed for the actions of one person – however cruel and unjustified said actions were – he had expected that her champion would be held to high standard. Well, he’d need to lodge his complaints when this was done with, as much as that may be a terrible idea given that she’d already cursed him once. But right now… right now, Capsize looked beyond sad and he couldn’t let that stand.

“Well, he sounds like an absolute piece of work. But he certainly isn’t welcome here. Only one champion around here, and I assure you, Dianite has much higher standards for his champion than the other gods,” He made sure to have a joking tone when singing his own praises, not wanting to sound like he was ignoring the hurt she clearly felt. And she did laugh. She felt more relief than she ever had in a conversation about Jordan. “But, just to prove that, how about I give you a tour of the place? I can show you all the secrets.”

“Wait, really? I… I’d like that a lot.”

“Well, then, follow me.”

🌹 🌹 🌹

Tom’s tour was not what anyone would call informative, mostly because he wasn’t really focused on the tour part of it at all. Rather he and Capsize had started talking and their conversations were taking the place of any actual information he could give.

“I just don’t see how you came to the conclusion that I’m a pirate,” She said, with an entertained grin despite some actual confusion. He had sounded so impressed with himself for ‘figuring it out’, which left her feeling a little guilty having to correct him. Yet he was quite adamant that she must’ve been some sort of pirate, leaving her as entertained as she was confused by his confidence.

“Well, you’re from Ianerea, that’s where pirates are from,” He said, as if the fact was obvious. He’d heard the stories. Sure, they might be old stories, but there were loads of pirates from there. Capsize laughed a little. The pirate legends had never really died, despite how long it had been since Ianerea had been a pirate haven. “And you said you grew up mostly on ships. Also, you’re called Capsize – that’s a pirate name.”

“I’ll give you that one,” She said, not really able to argue against the fact that her name was suited to piracy. Her parents had been traditional after all. Honestly, they probably would’ve been happy if she had become a pirate. So long as she was good with ships, that was the important thing to them. “But I’m afraid I’m a regular boring merchant captain.”

“Well, that’s close enough to a pirate,” He says, gaining another laugh in response. He’d love to meet an actual pirate, but he did think she was close enough. He hadn’t met anyone who’d spent much time on ships at all, so maybe he’d let his imagination run a little wild. Still half-distracted by his conversation, he noticed they were going past another actually interesting part of the castle. “Oh, and this is—”

“Thomas!” The voice of Martha cut through his words before he could finish. Both Capsize and Tom turned to see the clock standing on a table in front of the corridor Tom was pointing down, as if she had been guarding it. Tom groaned, wondering what she wanted. Capsize meanwhile stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt before she knew what’s going on. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Giving a tour…? Do you want to join?” He asked, honestly a little confused about what he had done wrong. Clearly, she was annoyed about something, but for the life of him he couldn’t think of what she could be taking issue with. Martha hopped off the table and close to him, really trying to keep herself level-headed. She had to stay calm in front of the girl.

“You do realise where you are, right?” She half-whispered, trying to only be heard by him. Her attempt at communicating the need for discretion was not successful as Tom just rolled his eyes. Obviously, he knew where he was. Did she forget he’d lived here for most of his life?

“Obviously, that’s the West—!” He realised the problem one word too late into his reply. Still, he felt like she was questioning his competence a little. “Well, I wasn’t gonna take her in!”

“So that’s the West Wing?” Capsize’s curiosity was instantly captured. She peered down the darkened corridor of the one place she was told she wasn’t allowed, and therefore the place she was the most interested in exploring. There was something she wasn’t meant to see, which meant she needed to see it. Tom and Martha both glared at each other, both distinctly blaming the other for this situation, and in turn being annoyed that the other could even think of blaming them. “What’s in there?”

“Oh, nothing interesting. You know, broken furniture, dust…”

“Old studies, abandoned rooms,” Martha added as Tom’s mind went blank. They were quick to respond, and far too insistent that there was nothing there. Capsize looked at them unimpressed, not falling for their false smiles.

“If there’s nothing then why is it forbidden?” She asked. She didn’t know if she expected any sort of answer, or if there was one that would persuade her away from exploring the place. Again, the two looked between themselves. Martha sighed.

“It’s mostly the Mistress’ living space. I assume she’s asleep right now and I really wouldn’t recommend disturbing her,” She did consider lying, making up some reason why it was dangerous or unsafe, but frankly she felt the reality of the situation should be clear enough. Capsize did pause. She didn’t want to run into Fox, and she definitely didn’t want to do it tonight. She could be careful, but she definitely didn’t trust her own quietness in an unfamiliar place. It was frustrating. She wanted to explore that wing, she was sure there was something there, but she certainly couldn’t risk it right now. Tom hopped forward again.

“It really isn’t interesting, I assure you. Come on, I’ll show you some actual interesting things around here,” He said, though he seemed less like he was trying to distract her and more like he just wanted her to listen. Of course, that felt very much like the same thing to Capsize at this moment as she wanted nothing more than to step over them and walk straight into the forbidden wing, but she knew that was not advisable. Even if Fox, who she very much wanted to avoid, wasn’t in there, she doubted the two would let her go alone, which would just kill any chance of exploration she had. She had to concede, she was not going to be able to explore the West Wing tonight. So, still with more than a little reluctance, she followed him as he hopped away, though she still looked back at the mysterious West Wing, more than a little disappointed that the clock never moved away from the entrance.

Tom could feel the difference in the mood, the clear fact that she was now with him reluctantly rather than happily. And he knew he needed to say something, because the silence was just growing heavier as he didn’t, but he had to make sure that Martha was completely out of earshot before he did. And once he was sure they were far enough away, he stopped and turned back to look at Capsize.

“You’re planning on exploring the West Wing, aren’t you,” He said it as a statement, because he knew. Frankly if he was presented with a forbidden area of a building, he’d want to explore it too, but she couldn’t. He couldn’t have Fluffles blow up at her again, and if she caught her in there, he couldn’t stop it.

"Not tonight…” Capsize said, technically not lying. She knew there wasn’t much point in any half-truth. He’d clearly seen through her, but she didn’t want to make him more complicit than he already was. If she got in trouble herself that was… well, not fine, but it was better than getting other people into trouble alongside her, or worse instead of her. Still, she felt bad at his sigh. He needed to talk her out of this, he really did, but he could almost feel already that it wasn’t going to happen. She had a look, one that could either be described as determined or stubborn depending on how charitable you were being. Tom had no idea which side of the coin he fell on. “Look, I’ll be careful. I just…”

She couldn’t really explain it. She could stay anyway, it’ll make her life easier, but she needed to see if something was being hidden from her. If it really was just for privacy, she’d leave, she’d probably feel bad afterwards, but she was sure that there was something more. If there wasn’t something she wasn’t meant to see, they wouldn’t all be so quick to try and stop her from entering. She just had to know what it was, to know if it had any answers about the nature of this place. Though maybe, she thought quietly, she just wanted to prove that she didn’t need to listen.

Tom considered if there was any way right now to try and talk her out of it. He couldn’t think of anything, but she said not tonight. That meant he had time on his side. Depending on how much of a mood Fluffles was in, he might have a few days. He just needed to get her to listen to him about this being a bad idea. And while that might be difficult, he liked this girl, he couldn’t let her make this decision that was just going to lead to trouble. As impossible as it seemed at this moment, he was sure if he tried, he’d be able to keep her distracted enough that she’d forget all about the West Wing. So, he put on his best smile.

“Well, so long as you’re not exploring it right now… How about we continue the tour?”

[love-takes-work]

Steven Universe Comic #28 (2019) - Outline & Review

The twenty-eighth installment of the ongoing comic series for Steven Universe concludes the story of Lars and the Off-Colors as they face their biggest fears under the influence of hallucinogenic nebula gases. . . .

Plot:

Stevonnie is risking gas exposure to find out what's wrong with their friends deep in space in the middle of a nebula. Lars and the crew are catatonic, in the thrall of horrible visions caused by hallucinogens, and Stevonnie takes over the spaceship controls while analyzing the effects of this gas. As the visions take Lars away, he imagines apologizing to Sadie for everything he did wrong when he failed to save her and got kidnapped, and she convinces him that his mistakes have led to a stronger version of him whose crew is depending on him.

Through his discussion with the hallucinated version of Sadie, Lars realizes that his baking used to be something he did for himself and then mutated into something he did to impress others, which is why it ended up coupled with so much dread when it was no longer about food and fun and friends. To be there for the Off Colors, his crew, and using his talents to provide something needed is so much better than using them aggressively to show off. After bidding Sadie goodbye, Lars goes off to find the rest of the crew, and runs into Padparadscha.

Padparadscha's special insight allows her to inform Lars that they're all hallucinating and Stevonnie is on board. A cut to Stevonnie shows they're piloting the ship out of the nebula and capturing some gas to use for fuel. Lars and Padparadscha run to find the rest of the crew, but soon they find the nebula seems to be consciously redoubling efforts to keep them in its clutches. Obstacles they've already faced have returned.

Soon enough they've reconnected with Rhodonite and the Rutile Twins, who report what they've been through in their own nightmare world. Lars uses his latest revelation about the others depending on him as captain to reassure them and motivate them to find Fluorite. They encounter her in her impossible vision of being tried by the Diamonds and threatened with unfusion, and they all agree that they're not experiencing reality. Now they've got to find the way out and back to their right minds. They're ready to face their fears.

The phantom versions of the Off Colors find their bodies, and based on Padparadscha's earlier experience of awakening her body by touching it, they all try to reestablish contact with their bodies.

It seems to work and Stevonnie is welcoming them back, but before they know it, they're facing Emerald, who has boarded the ship somehow and is gloating and confronting them.

The crew bands together with Stevonnie and bravely fights Emerald; even those who aren't really fighters (like Padparadscha) get into the action. But once it becomes clear that Emerald is happy to destroy the interior of her ship to fight them, Lars realizes they're still hallucinating, because there's no way she'd do that. (She's also even bigger than Fluorite in the fight, for maximum intimidation.) For the nebula to be trying this hard to keep them, Stevonnie must be close to their goal. As long as they fixate on the scene not being real and trust Stevonnie to get them out of the nebula, they believe they'll be fine.

The crew begins to wake up as soon as Stevonnie pilots the ship out of the nebula. Stevonnie unfuses and Steven and Connie greet the reviving Off Colors. Everyone's jazzed that they made it--but what about threats of Emerald still following them? That's still a realistic possibility, even if their collective vision of her was not.

But Steven and Connie have great news: Stevonnie could track Emerald, who went around the nebula instead--and it's a long journey. Meanwhile, they stole nebula gas that can be separated into useful fuel without exposing them to the poisonous part. But that's not all! Steven and Connie came bearing gifts, including a potluck invitation with the Cool Kids and Sadie to catch up on all the space adventures. Lars is ready for all of this--and he has a sweet message for Sadie as well. He can't wait to catch a show.

Notable:

1. This comic feels like wish fulfillment for some of us who really wanted some unresolved issues from the show to be addressed. Lars and Sadie shippers should be happy to see Lars finally apologize to Sadie for not trying to save her, and having her understand.

2. There's an adorable flashback of young Lars learning to bake and sharing hopia with his family. Another traditional dish from his Filipino cultural background.

3. There's a really odd exchange between Lars and Padparadscha where she makes an observation, he asks if it's a vision, and she says no, she's just stating the obvious. And Lars says sometimes he can't tell. This is strange because in the show Padparadscha always behaves as though she is oblivious to the fact that her predictions are things that have already happened. The self-awareness she continues to display here is a comics-only thing.

4. Stevonnie comments that the Sun Incinerator is actually pretty easy to pilot, like the Star Skipper--but "oh, wait, I sort of crashed that." Aw, Stevonnie! That wasn't your driving's fault! You literally got shot down!

5. At one point Stevonnie comes up with the idea to suck nebula gas into the ship so it can be used for fuel. A button labeled "SUCTION" is shown on the dashboard. In the show they've been good about not having English writing on Gem artifacts, so this seemed out of place.

6. I'm not sure why the urgency on "getting back to their bodies" before Stevonnie flies out of the nebula. It seemed like an arbitrary worry; why would they have to hallucinate that they touched their own bodies and reinhabited their physical selves to be able to emerge from the nebula mentally intact? It didn't work incredibly well as a tactic for increasing tension to be honest.

7. There's a face-off-against-Emerald group shot of Stevonnie with the Off Colors and it's fairly epic, but on top of that there are a bunch of references to the episode "Lars of the Stars," where they point out that they've clashed with her before and won.

8. Since they specify that the nebula is "trying" to keep them inside by throwing more and more nightmarish visions of their worst fears at them, I guess the comic is implying that the nebula is alive and sentient. Well that's disturbing. What was it supposed to want?

9. In one scene they used the Off Colors' established character traits very well to push the exposition along: Rhodonite expresses her typical worrywart fear about Emerald finding them, and Fluorite offers tech nerdery, saying Emerald could track the signature of their thrusters. Great!

10. I gotta admit I have my doubts that Stevonnie could somehow figure out how to use alien technology to separate gases and create usable fuel for a Gem vessel. I could believe they can drive the ship since weirdly competent driving is an established Stevonnie skill, but this honestly does not seem to come from any established aspect of their character, despite that Connie can be nerdy with her book learning. I would've liked to see someone else who knows more about the technology, like Fluorite, come up with this idea or inspire Stevonnie to try it.

[SU Book and Comic Reviews]

[libertasrpg]

We welcome Barbara Roberts to the city. She’s 30 years old and is an actress. Barbie is often mistaken for Dianna Agron. She’s open.

→ Background Information

It was clear from early on that Barbara would go on to do great things. She was always dressing up as a child, playing different characters. It wasn’t until she was in high school and involved in the school drama society that she actually set her heart on becoming an actress. Her weekends were spent on hunting down auditions and perfecting her audition tapes. Pocket money was spent on headshots. A lot of people put Barbie down in school. Even her teachers tried to manage her expectations. Her parents weren’t exactly rolling in money. George Roberts is a simple engineer, and Margaret is a housewife. Barbara really put in the hours though. Her dreams were going to happen and sure enough, they did.

→ Relocation Explanation

Barbie has been based in Malibu her whole entire life. She was born there, and she remained there when she started acting. Her management tried to encourage her to move to Los Angeles or New York but Malibu was home. As her career progressed, Malibu became harder and harder to live in. She could barely leave the house without being mobbed. So when she heard of an entirely new city, Barbie leapt at the idea. She’d be able to root herself deep in the community and have everyone just see her as another resident.

→ Living Situation

Upon her sisters’ decisions to move with her, there was no other option than for the four girls to share a place. Chelsie is still young after all and they’re not entirely sure if she’d cope in a place by herself yet. On top of that, all the girls are incredibly close and it’d feel weird to not live together. Because Barbie pays for most of the bills, she was given the most control over the decor. Of course this resulted in a lot of the rooms being either accented or decorated entirely in pink.

→ Her Personality

There are pros and cons to seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses, as Barbie does. She is the life of the party, and always tries to put a positive spin on everything. The ‘treat yourself’ mentality is basically part of her personality. Similarly, Barbara adores being able to treat and buy gifts for her nearest and dearest. This leaves her open for much criticism though. Many believe that Barbie only does this to flash and gloat about how much money she has. Wherever she’s going, even if to the corner store, Barbie will always dress up. She wouldn’t be caught dead in any item of clothing that cost less than $400. The combination of her blonde hair and not being the smartest tool in the box is also a point that people like to pick on her for. Barbie tries though. She doesn’t always hit the mark the first, or second time, but she keeps going until she does.

→ Her Qualities

Optimistic, kind, energetic

Naive, ditzy, clumsy

→ Her Relationships

Kenneth Carson (Best friend & potential love interest): Kenneth and Barbara often work together on jobs. They’re best friends at this point and are very comfortable around each other. With multiple on-screen kisses under their belt though, everyone’s wondering how long it’ll be before they realize that their on-screen chemistry is thanks to their off-screen chemistry.

Buzz Nesbitt & Woody Pride (Friends): Buzz and Woody are two of Barbie’s newer friends. She met them after moving to Libertas. To her delight, neither of them tried to hit on her or flirt with her. This immediately helped her take a liking to them and now she considers them good friends. One of her favorite things to do is taking them to really fancy restaurants to see how they fair with the various societal rules and expectations.

Skipper, Stacie & Chelsea Roberts (Sisters): Barbie’s sisters mean the absolute world to her. Obviously they have their fair share of sibling arguments, which are so much more intense because they all live together. They still are incredibly important to her. Any issue they have, whether they’ve told Barbie or she’s found out about it herself, Barbara jumps to try and save the day. She’ll throw money at the situation more often than not. This isn’t always appreciated but they know that she’s just trying to help in her own way.

→ Possible Connections

Beau Peep (Friend): Barbara met Beau through Buzz and Woody. She’s a very grounded woman - Polar opposite almost to Barbie. They both care dearly about the boys though. They both also find themselves rolling their eyes at the boys a lot. It’s their shared annoyance with men that really helped them bond.

Jessica Cannary (Friend): Naturally Barbie takes interest in the dating lives of her friends. So when she heard about Jessica from Woody, she sought the woman out. Barbara wants the best for Buzz and she has a pretty good feeling about Jessica.

Jane Merryweather (Acquaintance): Kids love Barbie and the films that she stars in. Contrary to popular belief, Barbie also loves kids. So she arranges with Jane Merryweather to occasionally stop in at the daycare centre while dressed as her different characters to say hello to the children.

→ Faceclaim Change:

Allowed | Not allowed | POC must | Discuss with admin

Suggestions: Rachael Taylor

Barbie is based on Barbie from the Barbie franchise and Toy Story.

[leovand]

ARIZONA U is proud to introduce you to LEONARDO “LEO” VAN DOREN , the twenty-five year old, undergraduate fine arts major in his SENIOR year. most of their peers deem them as someone who is +eccentric , +intelligent & +self-sufficient but i know that some of their professors think they’re more -self-righteous, -precipitous & -self-destructive, maybe that’s why the police are still interviewing them on the reopened cold case. maybe it was because they were also A BAD INFLUENCE for NATALIA LINDERMAN. i mean that is just a little suspicious, but i only really think of scuffed black combat boots, a car that always smells like weed, and meaningless tattoos when i hear their name, not murder. but i could be wrong. — MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL.

boo bitch i’m gin, bout to head out to work but tbh i’ll be around to chat n plot bc whew it’s boring there !!!! anyway down below you’ll find a terrible bio + some wcs so come hmu and we’ll plot some angst or give this a like and i’ll slide in ur dms woo ah

also a tl;dr is right before the wcs and above that is a brief description of his connection to natalia

trigger warnings for drug use/abuse, addiction, and infidelity

background info

leo was born in london to two very wealthy parents, richard and cynthia van doren. richard was something of an inattentive father (particularly when it came to leo) and from early on beginning to distance himself from the family, and while cynthia certainly loved leo, she’d always wanted a daughter, which she got two years later when his little sister victoria ( @toriivd​ ) was born. thus, it was from an extremely young age that leo began to feel like something of a black sheep in the family. richard was, unbeknownst to any of them, already having an affair with a woman in america whom he’d met on several business trips to arizona. all they knew was that he hardly seemed invested in their family anymore, let alone to take an interest in their lives. of course, victoria was a daddy’s girl, and though she often pretended not to see this happening leo knew perfectly well she was lying deliberately to herself. it was something he only pulled out when they fought bitterly, and they both knew it was a low blow when he did. 

this was especially apparent in high school, when leo’s acting out turned to drug use, skipping school, and even trouble with the police a few times. richard was almost never there either to lend fatherly support or to discipline--the only time he was, leo got the tongue-lashing of his life as well as a slap in the face, and if he had to pick a specific event which led him to the realization that he hated his father, it would be that one. 

even as things were looking rockier and rockier with their parents, leo was 12 when his mom got pregnant again. 13 when she had their baby brother, bradley. it was frankly a mess and for the first couple years leo was not at all good about helping. he resented the further attention drawn away from himself and hated his dad more than ever for his seemingly endless supply of bullshit

when he was 15, tori 13, and bradley 2, their parents finally got divorced. he and tori listened in on the final, blow-out fight from the stairs and learned that the reason their father had been taking so many business trips to the states all these years was in fact another woman, and even better, the two kids he had with her. tori had processed this in her own way, and leo had tried to be there for her, but his own self-destructive method of processing it made it difficult to do so. in other ways, however, the whole thing changed the nature of his relationship with his mother, which had always been a little distant. the fact of his father’s betrayal had the effect of inspiring within leo a fierce love and protectiveness over her, and in the rubble of their family the four of them found something much more intimate than they’d had before. 

he graduated high school in spite of all this but spent the following two years doing nothing productive; it was sex drugs rock n roll and rebellion, and through it all giving a huge metaphorical middle finger to his dad, who’d officially moved to arizona to pledge his allegiance to his chosen family. leo and tori eventually came to the morally questionable agreement to tell people that their father had died in a car accident rather than explain the truth, and for leo, it was as much an act of spitting on his father’s memory as it was a tactic to avoid talking about it. 

it was when tori finally graduated high school that they formulated the plan to go to university in arizona, and while they were there to try and find their father. not because leo missed him, of course--it was closure he was after, and only seeing him and his other family would allow him to find it.

a year ago now, leo went back home to england for a month and a half to check himself into rehab, but the only person he told was his mom. it was for an opioid addiction that had gotten out of hand and he did indeed manage to get clean. he’s even managed to stay clean when it comes to the opioids, but he’s started doing coke now and then and dabbling in pills. mostly though it’s just a lot a lot of weed all the time. 

he’s in his senior year of his bfa and has almost no prospects, although that’s mostly due to his screwing them all up by being high and careless about it. a part of him despises the whole idea of school and the work force and having a career and is lowkey self destructing bc he can’t handle the idea of growing up and having to act like an adult

personality

so for the most part, leo is super super chill, doesn’t take anything very seriously, is cracking jokes 24/7 (his sense of humor is so so so dry), almost always high, and if no one stops him will start rambling on about literally anything in his pretentious know it all way that he genuinely doesn’t realize is so wildly pretentious

he’s a fine arts major with a focus in illustration but he also does a lot of sculpting. so he doodles a lot, probably on things he shouldn’t doodle on, and he makes money on the sculptures here and there (which he’s telling himself he can sustain for his entire life lmao)

pansexual, tends to sleep around but genuinely likes being in a relationship. he falls in love rly easily and has little crushes on random people all the time and is prone to infatuations with people who don’t feel the same way. most relationships he’s had have failed bc of his drug problem interfering and/or becoming too much for his partner at the time to deal with

for everything he’s been thru, leo actually has quite an optimistic view of the world and people in general and he just really likes human interaction and being around people. he can come off as wildly eccentric and difficult to keep up with and sometimes makes it seem like he thinks he’s better than everyone and doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks but on the highest of keys he cares so much what everyone thinks and will probably admit that out loud tbh ftyegudhsujka

cares about his mom, sister, and little brother more than anything in the world and feels guilty as HELL about not being there while his brother is growing up

will lose his mind if u call him leonardo

connection to natalia linderman //  natalia was the good girl, and that was certainly part of leo’s motivation to corrupt her—there was something thrilling about being able to effect such change in someone held in such high esteem on campus—but that wasn’t all of it. some part of him had developed feelings, too, and it killed him that she never saw him that way. the drugs and the class-skipping to smoke weed made him feel close to her, even when she was talking about other people. he eventually began to feel guilty for what he saw as poisoning her with his way of life, and he’d been working up the nerve to tell her this until she went missing. he now lives with the fear that whatever she got mixed up in that resulted in her death could be blamed on the drugs, and more specifically, him.

tl;dr // comes from a wealthy british family whose father left when he was 15 in favor of his second family in america; weed smoker, class skipper, pretentious art boy acts like he doesn’t give a fuck but actually gives the most fucks and readily admits it; surprisingly soft but will Fight for his mom and sister; spent two months that nobody knows about in rehab last year for an opioid addiction

wanted connections/plot ideas

this will have to be discussed with me n maia but !! a boy who tori was dating six months ago (for however long before that) who seduced leo and then told him he wanted to be w him instead, and then broke up with tori when leo said no and told her he cheated on her but not with whom fytsugeuhkdij so hmu if u wanna fill that and i’ll give u more deets 👀

the two kids!!! from their dad’s second family!!!! PLEASE!!!

randomly someone he was in rehab with showing up in arizona somehow???? more likely than u think !!

a few exes from arizona + any exes from back home in london would be cute

someone with a s/o whom leo is practically in love with who does not feel the same way back p l e a s e ideally they’d be rly close friends too

stoner buds thanks

gimme some of tori’s exes/suitors for leo to fight OR even softer.....to rly like and root for

a bad influence who encourages his drug use :/

good influences!!!

whew also someone who kind of.....had an idea of what he was doing with natalia and was Big Sus about it and maybe still is !!!?????!