#because i was pretty judgemental of myself at the time for not knowing Enough Music

[thedreadvampy]

realising how much of my expansion beyond rock and metal into a wide range of genres is because:

Slipknot crossed over with the edgy/gothier end of 2000s hiphop

Disturbed are just like. The BIGGEST nerds for 80s British pop (they're not alone in that, it's a whole numetal Thing, but I think like a solid 10% of the 80s pop I listen to I first heard as a Disturbed cover)

Lady Gaga was the top 40 artist it was Okay For Edgy Alternative Teens To Like In 2007

Being an Alternative 2000s Teen was in many ways very musically stifling cause it was incumbent upon me to perform disdain for anything deemed too Pop.

I was somewhat rescued by my own gayness (when me and my gay goblin friends discovered CAMP!!!! and got semi-ironically big into Katy Perry and Rihanna and of course Gaga) but mostly I was so aggressively self-policing my music tastes and deciding what to listen to based more on my assessment of where it fitted socially than on whether I like. Liked it.

Catch 13 year old me studiously typing "punk" and "metal" into Limewire and listening to whatever came up. Catch 15 year old me assessing whether the fact that Rihanna is making music videos about murder in black lipstick means it's ok to like top 40 pop. Complicated by the fact that honestly half the biggest Alternative Teen bait acts of the 2000s were pop as hell, and that as above, numetal acts were nerdy musicians with a broad range of tastes outside metal, and it was very complicated for me. It probably took me until I was like 20 to really start to get a handle on what I personally liked musically, rather than what fit my persona (vividly remember being in a goth club when I was like 18 where they closed out the night with Leonard Cohen's Closing Time every time, and thinking like oh man am I allowed to like Leonard Cohen then? having been listening to Leonard Cohen since I was a literal infant.)

Once I let go of the sense of having to like the Right Music, I very rapidly developed very eclectic tastes and music became a really big part of my life. although my friend did recently still describe my music taste as "two genres - heavy and gay" so that 2000s alt teen is still in there big time.

I think it's a normal thing about being a kid. You're developing music taste basically from scratch and there's a world of music out there so it helps to start out with a narrow focus and build a solid few acts, albums or genres you really like and work out from there. But I do regret how much good music I missed out on first time around because even though I liked it I wrote it off for being rap or being too pop or too upbeat. But the good thing about music is that it doesn't go away! I'm still discovering a lot of music that I heard 50000 times when it was on the radio but never really listened to at the time. It's fun!

[thekeeperof-thefandoms]

Headcanons of Lucifer watching his s/o and Charlie getting along and maybe even having a little musical note together I just know he'd be getting all teary eyed and shit seeing his baby girl having some form of mother figure or someone she can really look to for advice currently present in her life ❤️ Thanks sm hope u have a good day/night!

Absolutely!

I think at first the relationship between Charlie and anyone her dad dates is awkward because she's so nice and trying to be supportive and Lucifer's new s/o would be trying too hard to create that bond. But steadily, you two would find real things you have in common and begin spending time together.

I'm going to use myself for reference here, but I personally really like arts and crafts kind of stuff and am willing to listen to pretty much all genres of music as long as I like the beat/rhythm. So I imagine most of your bonding is done making posters for the hotel, doing crafts with the guests, and just in general vibing to music together.

Like, one suggested activity for the group is coloring because it's a good outlet and it becomes so popular you guys just have a permanent stack of coloring pages and books available with marker, pens, colored pencils, and you, Charlie, Lucifer, and Vaggie are all just coloring and talking, Lucifer's telling embarrassing stories about baby Charlie for you and Vaggie, and you share a few embarrassing stories of yourself to make Charlie feel better and the absolute relief on her face is palpable.

Charlie is nervous because some sinners critiqued her hotel, her appearance, how her dad had to bail her out in the fight against heaven and it's all just making her upset. And of course her dad and her girlfriend are gonna say stuff about how she's beautiful, the hotel is a wonderful idea, and she was so brave in that fight. And like, yeah you're dating her dad and you've been super nice so far, but when you sit down next to her and ask quietly, "Can I offer you some advice?"

"Please? I feel like I don't know what I'm doing."

You laugh, patting her shoulder. "You're young, Charlie, you're not supposed to have it all figured out. But one thing you can do, is decide not to let judgemental pricks get to you. Take every criticism with a grain of salt. Improve, adapt, and filter out bullshit. You can't make everyone happy, and you'll exhaust yourself if you try. So as long as you're happy and at the end of the day you can say you're proud of what you've done, that you tried....well, that should be enough, right?"

Charlie thinks about it and nods. There's a visible shift in her attitude. "Thanks, I needed to hear that....Do you think you could help me read through some of the reviews and stuff? I want to improve if there's any genuine issue that I can address and Dad and Vaggie are....a lot. They just keep trying to tell me everything is perfect."

"They're just trying to hype you up. They love you a lot, so naturally they want you to feel successful and excited. Come on, let's go make some big bowls of ice cream and read through those reviews using silly AI voices. It'll be hilarious."

You and Charlie head off to do just that, talkin and laughing, and neither one of you notices Lucifer absolutely melting into the floor from a few floors up, as he clings to the railing he was leaning against to ease drop. He's gonna need a few minutes to recover. He's crying happy tears. His little girl is grown up and getting along with his partner and they're spending time together and enjoying things together. You're giving her advice and offering her comfort and meeting Charlienat her level and he's just more convinced you're perfect.

He may or may not be ring shopping in the near future. Probably with Ozzie and Bee. They've always had good taste and will probably be thrilled to help him. And if Ozzie is also casually looking for a ring while they're out, well, Lucifer won't say anything.

[soapier]

when it rains, it pours *ੈ✩‧₊˚ jschlatt, ted nivison

002. whatever.

link to 001. welcome back, slut!

constance mcmahon

today's the day of the party, and connie couldn't be more excited. she'd already picked out her outfit, invited her friends, and helped clean and decorate; all there's left to do is get ready, pregame and wait for people to show up.

she leaned forward, already cross-legged on the bathroom counter, tweezers poised to snag any loose eyebrow hairs she could pick out. music played off her speaker, and she could hear ted humming along to it in the shower. pausing for a sip of the rather heavy-handed jack and coke schlatt had made for her (quite the bartender!), she heard her phone buzz.

dayna:

what are u wearing tn?

connie:

jeans n a little green top, nothing special

do yk if hasan's coming tn? he never confirmed

dayna:

no clue

buuut i'll see u later!!!

with a groan of annoyance, connie threw her head back before continuing the attack on her eyebrows. the shower stopped and she watched as ted's hand snaked out to grab his towel, before emerging with it around his waist.

"what was that for?" he shot her a look, stealing a sip of her drink as she explained. "i, like, really want hasan to come tonight, because i think he's really cute, or whatever, but also don't say anything or i'll kill myself, but he like, he hasn't told me if he's coming and if i shaved for nothing i'm gonna be pissed!"

"someone got over alex fast," there was a tinge of annoyance, almost judgement in his voice, and he was suddenly stone-faced, fixing his hair in the mirror beside her. connie couldn't help but drag her eyes down his torso, noticing the dangerously low towel, before snapping out of it and defending herself.

"listen, i know you think it's just a stupid girl thing," ted simply hummed in response, " but i do think he's cute, and while i don't want a relationship yet, i think he's sweet, and i'd let him hit, but not with this lack of communication."

"do whatever you think is best, cons," ted gave up on his hair, adding, "but i just don't think he's good enough for you. if you asked schlatt, i bet he'd say the same thing."

he closed the door behind him, leaving connie alone in the steamy bathroom, wondering just what the fuck that was about. ted's never acted like that before, especially not towards her. maybe he's just stressed about the party? whatever.

but ted not thinking hasan's good enough for her?  is he her fucking dad? and schlatt agreeing, too, thats weird. she's fairly certain he would literally sell her off for the right price. she (finally) understood their distaste for alex, but isn't hasan their friend? connie didn't get it, and chose to simply focus on her makeup in the wake of his comment.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

the three roommates gathered at the folding table set up in their cramped living room, preparing to take a couple of shots before people started arriving.

"bro, why does it have to be tequila?" connie whined, shooting schlatt a dirty look. "because this is all that ted likes, so unless you'd like to shotgun a beer right now, i'd keep that pretty mouth of yours shut."

with that, the three raised their glasses to their lips in a race of who could get it down first, schlatt making fun of ted and connie's disgusted faces afterwards.

"fucking nasty!" connie complained, reaching for the seltzer she was using as a chaser. "don't be a baby, connie," ted told her, stealing a sip from yet another one of her drinks.

just as he finished, there was a knock at the door, signifying that the first of their guests had arrived.

"charlie!" connie squealed, darting over to greet the blonde man. though the two weren't particularly close, neither of them were super fond of crowds, meaning that they tended to spend a lot of time together at parties, at least when her ex-boyfriend wasn't around.

"conman!" the silly nickname never failed to make her smile. "no alex, tonight?" he sounded hopeful.

"even better," connie started, confusion creeping into charlies face. "no alex, ever."

charlie grinned and congratulated her. "are you a hugger? can i hug you? i am so happy for you, connie."

they shared a quick embrace, before charlie added, "i'm sorry if that was insensitive, it's just... that guy was a total dick!"

"so i've heard," connie laughed. "schlatt and ted shared the general consensus on him when i broke the news the other day."

she followed charlie to the sofa that had been shoved to the far side of the living room, catching one another up on their summers as more and more people filed in. once she was about five drinks deep, connie realized that she needed to go plug in her computer so it wouldn't die on aux, and excused herself from the conversation.

a friend of schlatt's, cooper, was tooling around with the queue from her laptop, not that she minded, it took the pressure off of her. they talked briefly, and she drunkenly giggled at a joke he made. connie ensured that her laptop was charging, and then spun on her heel, intending to grab herself another drink.

intending to.

instead, she walked straight into hasan.

"oh! hey, connie," he grinned, a hand finding the small of her back. "funny seeing you here."

"hilarious," she blew her bangs out of her face, shifting her weight towards him. "when did you get here? are you having fun?"

he guided her out of the kitchen, grabbing them both a can on the way. she read it, keystone light. ew. she looked up, eyes trailing a sharp jaw and broad shoulders, suddenly very aware of the arm gently wrapped around her torso.

a rap song played from the speakers on the counter, and connie wracked her brain for the name, anything to distract herself from either oogling hasan or being too forward. gotta play it cool, cons. be chill. she took a sip of the beer, making a face. it's definitely kanye, she concluded.

they joined the crowd in the living room, connie picking out familiar faces to ground herself. she saw schlatt dancing with her best friend in the corner, nothing too close, but close enough for her to take note. she saw ted in the corner with charlie, the two chatting animatedly.

connie felt hasan take her hand and spin her playfully as the chorus of "promiscuous" played throughout the house.

"i heard about you and alex," he said, leaning down so that she could hear over the noise. "if you need to talk, i'm always here."

connie felt her face heat up, his breath warm against her ear. "oh, thanks," she said, locking eyes with him, cheeks flushed red.

the pair danced for a while, before connie asked if hasan wanted to go for a smoke with her. agreeing, he grabbed her hand as she lead him up the stairs towards her bedroom.

halfway up, connie looked back to check in on hasan, or maybe she just wanted an excuse to look at him, but instead locked eyes with a cold-faced schlatt at the base of the stairs. breaking his stare, she watched as he walked off, and led hasan to her room, closing the door behind them.

"oh, feel free to sit down!" she gestured to her room rather grandly, giggling to herself as she got ready to roll. he took a seat right next to her on the bed, thighs touching as he watched her work.

"damn," connie hissed, "this is a lot harder when i'm drunk." she fumbled the paper again, dropping her project onto the tray.

she watched hasan's hand intently as he took the tray from her lap and set it aside. "we can try that again later?" he asked, brown eyes meeting hers. she felt his hand meet her jaw, guiding her up sweetly.

his lips met hers for possibly the hungriest kiss she'd ever felt. oh, she thought, this was way easier than i thought. melting into the moment, she almost didn't notice the banging on her door.

"connie!" she barely registered the voice calling her name from the other side of the door, pulling away from hasan for barely a second before her door bust open.

"connie!" schlatt's frame loomed large in the door frame.

"schlatt, what the fuck?" she slurred, feeling hasan take his hand out of her shirt.

"yeah, man, we're kind of busy here," hasan rubbed the back of his neck, clearly less than pleased with the situation.

schlatt sighed, saying, "hasan, you should go downstairs." he took a few steps forward to allow space for hasan to pass by, except for the fact that he's made no effort to get off of her bed. connie looked between the two, slightly slack-jawed, and utterly humiliated with the pissing contest taking place in her room.

"i said to fuckin' go downstairs!" there was a grit in his voice, and a couple more steps towards the pair.

clearing her throat, connie began to speak, "hasan, i'll catch up to you later, okay?" she searched his face for any sign of emotion, eyes pleading with him to just go, to avoid the fight that is clearly brewing.

with one more quick peck to her lips, he stood and promised to find her in a bit. connie watched him slink out of the room, schlatt closing the door behind him.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

who do u think is like more sex positive of the boys like jerking off more etc. n who doesnt need it as much?

Just to clarify, being sex positive is more about your attitude towards sex, which can of course affect your perspective on masturbation. You can be sex positive and not masturbate that often. You can masturbate often and be sex negative (feel guilt, shame, judgement from others re: sex).

So I'll answer this in two parts: Who do I think is the most sex positive? and Who doI think jerks it the most?

most sex positive?

Most sex positive is probably Namjoon. He has probably come into contact with many different sexual perspectives from all the books he's read. He likely has the deepest understanding of sex on a knowledge / mental level. What role sex plays in your life, big or small, is something to be considered over time. It's good to form your opinion on sex so you know what you want and how to communicate with future partners. Sexual expression is also something he has considered if we are judging by his music.

Yoongi and Hoseok are probably high on this list too. Yoongi because he is the type to question "why." Why is sex viewed as shameful? Why is it different for men and women? Why is sex used so prominently as a selling point? I think a lot of his questions came from things he internalized when he was younger. I believe he mentioned before that performing 'Blood, Sweat, and Tears' made him uncomfortable, indicating a period of sex negativity, but I think the experience also caused him to reconsider the boundaries of his own sexual expression. We can't pretend he wasn't sexual on his solo tour, keke. Yoongi is a very introspective person. He's come a long way into establishing his sense of self and part of that is reconnecting with his view on sex. For Hoseok, he is more of a "why not?" He doesn't seem like the type to judge himself or anyone else. Sexuality is part of you, after all. I think his views on sex are very positive, that he thinks sex is a amazing and special way to express love, and that he enjoys seeing people express their identities openly. Compared to Namjoon though, I think you have to ease him into a sex conversation, whereas Namjoon would probably answer you to the best of his ability without any awkwardness.

I think it's pretty difficult given the global impact of BTS for them to not recognize sexual expression as part of music, so I'm not saying the rest of them are sex negative. They are all probably some level of sex positive and, given their current ages, have likely matured over time. I've rewatched 'Pied Piper' enough times. XD JK is all about fucking seven days a week apparently (come prove it to me then?! are you're scared, hah????), so at the very least he's comfortable sexually expressing himself (an understatement). But I don't think Seokjin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook have ever really thought deeply about their relationship to sex and if it's positive or negative. They just do what you wanna, say what you wanna (ffs not a "That That' ref, I need to put myself in time-out). It is worth mentioning that you don't need to. You can be sex-neutral.

But! I'll argue that having a healthy relationship with sex mentally makes you capable of targeting your disconnects earlier than in bed internally freaking out while your mouth is saying, "uh, ok". It is unfortunate that sex negativity can put you in bad situations. It can also be weaponized against you as a form of control by a manipulator. This is why I encourage you to establish your perspective on sex and the role you want it to play in your life.

whose horny af tho, riddle me that, wiyllt

Have you read the way I write Jeon Jungkook? Scratch that, have you seen the way Jeon Jungkook sings his song about the lost time of his youth and that damn dance break, bro, was that necessary? In front of ARMY's salad???? Don't even get me started on wtf Park Jimin is doing with his eyes every time he looks at the camera.

Men are men. Men are horny. (Most of them.) I don't see Seokjin giving into his every whim but he sure does stay home a lot and "play games". XD I'm joking, seriously though, he seems like the type to wait until he's alone or maybe even chill until the horny goes away (it won't, and then he'll have to take drastic measures). Namjoon recognizes the horny but is not impulsive enough. He would make a mental note, put it in his plans, allot a time slot, get the job done. Yoongi already has quick techniques when the mood strikes, but the mood probably doesn't strike him often. He will find a way to get what he wants, iykyk. Hoseok is always moving, always has something going on, I don't think he thinks of getting off until he has a free moment to realize he's horny and, oh yeah, it's been a while, huh? Jimin's either never horny because he gets it all out on stage or he's hiding too much horny under that cute giggle and eye smile. Sus. I think Taehyung's quite balanced as he's gotten older. There's a lot of aspects of his life he finds satisfaction in and letting it out is just one of them.

Jungkook has said he has an obsessive personality. He gets fixated on things and keeps going until he believes he's the best at it. Bro has no chill. So it really depends if he's into it at the time. Then it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...

[sassymajesty]

may I ask what made you pick judaism, if it's not too personal & you're willing to share? i legit dont know enough about religions so i'm genuinely curious. like why not islam or something else? or why not transfer to protestant or orthodox church? you said you did some wandering, so i'm just curious what made you pick judaism over everything else. like i said i'm not judging or anything, just pure curiosity due to my lack of knowledge! but i'm glad you found something that resonates with you :)

short answer, jewish beliefs resonated the most with me and the more i learn about it, the more at home i feel

long answer, oh boy, i really did do some wandering. i'm putting it under a cut because i wrote a whole essay

i stopped going to the catholic church when i was 15, and the next... ten years? were spent trying to find myself. because i've always known that i believe in something more, but the idea of an old guy in the sky ruling over us with an iron fist felt very odd too me. and that's how i came out of the catholic church

my dad used to say that religion is supposed to bring you comfort and give you the support you need in tough times. that's something that has always stuck with me but then, which religion?

i tried the agnostic route for a while, but that didn't bring me any comfort. then i went to a buddhist temple a couple times, because the logic was sound to me, and i was at a time in my life where acceptance and kindness was what i needed. but still, i felt like there was something lacking

i googled a lot

being gay, i didn't quite vibe with most christian denominations in my town. but my cousin invited me to the presbyterian church and i went there for a few months. it kinda worked for a bit, because i was sure i didn't believe in saints and they talked about jesus with so much love, and tried to spread the love he taught the world. i used to leave the church service feeling very loved, and it was better to read from the bible than it was to just listen to the priest read it and being told that i'd never understand it myself

i just... didn't feel the same love as everyone else. i felt like a fraud even when i was annotating my bible as everyone else. theirs were full of devotion and mine felt flat, i didn't know how to pray without, you know, scripted prayers, i felt like an impostor. then, well. then it got to a point where i couldn't simply ignore being gay for the sake of being accepted there, and i stopped going

at the time, i was working at a health clinic and i worked with pious people from other christian denominations and they were so judgemental of everyone that came in, forgetting their own past and still claiming to be a good christian. which only pushed me away from any other christian denominations, the fanon interpretation of jesus bothered me too. it all felt too restrictive

that's around the time i started wondering whether or not i believed in jesus. it's always been complicated for me to make sense that god, jesus and the holy spirit are separate but still one. i could kinda figure out the holy spirit and god working together, but for me, jesus was a man, a human man who had been kind and drastically radical for his time, but still a man

honestly, at this time i was pretty lost and finding comfort in bits and pieces here and there. christian music actually helped me a lot during this time, go figure

it took me actually meeting a jewish person (that's how small judaism is in here, i had no contact of anyone jewish for 26 years of my life) for me to learn that you could even convert to judaism

i had the catholic thinking of "oh, judaism is an old religion that doesn't really exist anymore" and "the old testament god was barbaric", but getting to learn more about it with fresh eyes was a really breathtaking experience

i like that the rules make sense. there's no "because the church says so" or "because god will be sad if you do it". whatever argument you can think of, someone has gone over it at least a thousand years ago and have had people arguing for or against it ever since. i love it that you get to ask questions!!! you're encouraged to!! oh that's my favorite part, i can have doubts about whatever and no one will talk behind my back that i'm not a good catholic girl. and i get to learn about this practice that goes back thousands of years, and not to be a nerd, but i love how much incentive there is to read and learn and discuss and talk through things and question everything and think critically about every passage, every tradition, every book ever written on judaism

i'm reading "here all along" by sarah hurwitz and there's a chapter called "freeing god from "his" human-shaped cage in the sky" and in it, she talks about different conceptions about god that jewish people believe in. and that is when i realized oh yes, this is home. because god stopped being an old guy in the sky and became this force that no human being could ever describe or understand. god can be all knowing and all powerful, but they can also be all knowing and not all powerful. they can be everything — a shadow the tree casts, the good in humanity, resting on shabbat. god can be the "process of being" or the force that pushes you to be the best you can be. i haven't explored a fraction of those but i love it that i don't have to choose just one, and i don't have to believe in one version that's dictated to me

all my experiences with judaism have been incredible so far. i used to slog through an hour long mass, now two hours every friday feel like not enough. the community i found (both in the synagogue i go to and online) is very welcoming and there's so much strength in them. the more i learn about the practices, the why behind them, the more at home i feel

we had an event for people who want to convert and we talked about being gay and judaism and everyone was pretty much you just gotta find a rabbi that you're comfortable with but even the most conservative ones are mostly chill with it, and the conversation moved on to another question. and that? being accepted fully by who i am, that's incredible for me. i don't have to change, i don't have to force myself to believe in anything

i'm gonna end this here, otherwise i'll be talking about judaism until next week

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Current Top Ten Olivia Rodrigo Songs

I've found myself talking about Olivia Rodrigo's music a lot lately (mostly screeching about entry #2), so I'm finally going to give her a list! Though I've never been much of a "drivers license" fan, I still got really into her with the release of SOUR--the end of my junior year in high school could have been soundtracked solely with that album (+ "Rollin'" by Brave Girls!).

1. good 4 u

I mean, I would love to have a more surprising pick for number one, but this one's a classic for a reason! Like, I remember what was going on in my life when I first heard "good 4 u"--it's a landmark all on its own. And that dramatic lead-in to the bridge? I feel my heart explode in my chest every. single. time.

2. girl i've always been

This one is new, but it blew me away from the first listen. It's not a big spectacle like "so american", but the understated acoustic atmosphere is executed so well that I can't look away! This country-inspired sound is unusual for Olivia, but she acclimates to it so well, I think--I feel so comfortable in this song, it doesn't feel unfamiliar at all. And the line "well, I have captors I call friends" is worth a spot on this list all on its own.

3. jealousy, jealousy

This is my "brutal". In "jealousy, jealousy", the burn-it-all-down angst we know and love Olivia Rodrigo's music for has been smoothed out --it's cold, cruel, withdrawn. It's the girl dressed in all black who sits alone at lunch and glares at the popular kids from across the cafeteria, taking on her loneliness with grace and elegance and absolutely vicious resignation, and when I listen to this song, I get to feel as cool and above-it-all as that girl for a few minutes. I don't actually want to be this imaginary girl, but Olivia's music often lets me play a character for a bit--and this one is by far my favorite!

4. 1 step forward, 3 steps back

Okay this has, like, sentimental value. "1 step forward, 3 steps back" was there for me when I really needed it... I love how delicate it is, and I love harmonizing to the bridge, but it's really just here because I keep it like a security blanket.

5. all-american bitch

The ballads on GUTS didn't really work for me--the lyrics felt uncomfortably blunt, too generalized to be impactful, more like lectures than stories. But "all-american bitch", a big rock track with lots of screaming??? These lyrics GOT ME. My nonbinary experience of femininity has its own nuances, but all the stereotypes and expectations placed on the Perfect Good Girl still affect so much of who I am. In "all-american bitch", the bluntness of the lyrics actually works in its favor. It's scathing--just straight-up listing all the stereotypes and expectations and judgements placed on women is revealing, exposing their contradictions, and I think it takes away a little of their power. Honestly, this song is so powerful that it's a little much for me most of the time--I tend to avoid it, despite how much I like it--but I can't deny how fantastic it is.

6. favorite crime

Admittedly, I think "Partner in Crime - Spotify Singles" by Lucy Dacus is this song but better. I like both songs a whole lot, though, and the vocal layering in "favorite crime" is a shot right through the heart.

7. enough for you

This is pretty much interchangeable with "favorite crime"--a solid storyline with a genuine, compellingly fragile performance. I don't know, it just works!

8. get him back!

The flat delivery in the verses set against the soaring chorus is EVERYTHING. This is a low-stakes song, about a guy we never really liked anyway, so it's pure fun and wordplay and screaming just because you can.

9. can't catch me now

God, the vocal layering is breathtaking. (Look, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like when the harmonies do the harmony thing!!!!!)

10. ballad of a homeschooled girl

I think this song is hilarious--"ballad of a homeschooled girl" takes all the self-policing and overanalyzing and internal screaming required to be seen as 'normal', that constant stream of 'no don't do that no you can't say that no stop oh shit what did i just do she probably thinks i'm so weird', and turns up the intensity to the point where it's a sort of comedy skit. I think it's absolutely delightful to scream my worries out through this song, to honestly express the daily stresses of just existing outside my house and laugh about them, too. (Also, the "every guy I like is gay" line just makes me laugh, though I've heard that my take is an unpopular one.)

honorable mentions: happier, bad idea right?, love is embarrassing (WATCH AS I CRUCIFY MYSELF !!!!!), teenage dream (yeah i like this one, kind of against my will but i think it works way better than the other guts ballads!), so american (OH GOD I'M GONNA MARRY HIM / IF HE KEEPS THIS SHIT UP !!!)

[hunterwritesstuff]

"Mama's cooking!" Alastor and OC oneshot

So like, this is a comfort fic I made for myself bc I'm trying to repair my relationship with food/trying to get better with eating and I was doing great for almost two weeks, but then I slipped up and felt terrible. This is based off of my experiences and feelings duringmy time trying to improve my relationship with food. Everyone's experience is different. Some things may be OOC, but I don't care. I needed comfort and this is the product of that. Mind the TWs at the start, but if you read, I hope you enjoy!

Also, Ebony and Alastor aren't a romantic ship, rather a QPR one. Please respect that.

Fic is under the cut to be safe.

Tws: Eating troubles, zoning out, self-induced-shame, not being in-touch with reality, character being too tired to cook, and implied past abuse. Read carefully.

(Ebony's POV)

I laid there motionless on the couch, my eyes focused on nothing, my ears barely focused on the music coming from my headphones.

It’s just noise.

I feel my breathing begin to pick up. I missed my time to get breakfast again.

I feel the shame bubbling in my gut, but I don’t have the energy to react. Not now.

I barely notice people passing in and out of the room, whether they are Angel, Husk, Niffty, or Charlie, I pay them no heed, just give a hollow “have a good day”.

I can’t give more of a response than that. I feel hollow. I feel shameful. I feel tired. I feel hungry.

But I don’t have energy to get up. I don’t have energy to cook. I consider taking a nap, but I also don’t want to risk anything.

What would I risk? I don’t know. I live in constant paranoia that something will happen if I let my guard down for one second.

I could get up. I could do things. I just don’t have the motivation to.

Then I hear a familiar sound.

Click. Click. Click. 

Then I see a familiar fair of legs in front of me, wearing corduroy pinstripe pants.

“Alastor.” I say flatly. “What do you want?”

I’m still barely able to make out sounds due to how zoned out of everything I am, but I can tell he says something before walking off. 

Of course my platonic partner leaves me. I would too, if I could.

I hear something akin to pots and pans clattering, but assume he just sorted the pots and pans in the kitchen again due to habit.

That was about when I zoned out pretty much completely again.

About an hour later after stewing in my thoughts for that period of time, I get thrown back to reality by a familiar smell.

A smell that reminds me of singing in the kitchen, of a woman named [REDACTED], of a woman embracing me in a warm hug to tell me it’d be okay, of happier days, days where I was away from my family, of days where I went unharmed for a good period of time.

I find myself getting up off the couch and walking to the kitchen, slowly leaning in.

I hear him humming. Humming one of those old songs I would always hear in the kitchen.

Oh.

I was crying, now.

He must have heard me come in because I soon found him staring at me, wearing not his usual ear-to-ear smile, but a more…genuine one.

A patient smile.

A smaller one.

A pitying one.

No.

It wasn’t pity.

It was understanding.

If it was pity, I would have started to scream at him, yell at him how I did not need any person’s pity.

But I did not. 

We did not exchange any words, we did not say anything, we just exchanged a silent glance.

Then he gently grabbed my shoulder and led me to a table. I did not fight him. I did not understand why I did not fight him, but I did not.

He sat me down at a table and told me to wait a moment. I could hear better now, as I was more in-touch with reality, but it still sounded muffled.

I waited a few moments, and he came out with a bowl. It smelled amazing. It smelled like home.

Then I looked up and saw him smiling at me again.

It was a kind smile.

Not the kind that reached his ears, but just enough to be seen as kind, seen as patient, seen as understanding, seen as non-judgemental.

“Go ahead, dear. It’s all for you, no guilt, no judgment. Just so you can have something to eat without any fear.” He said softly.

“...What if the others come back and stare?” I ask, trying to not let my emotions leak into my voice.

“I told them to leave the hotel for a few hours. They understood. You have a while before anyone comes back. And if you’re still hungry after that first bowl, there’s more in the kitchen.” Alastor answered calmly.

I nod, slowly eating before my pace quickens. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Alastor wanted to say something, but he did not say it.

He did not want to hurt my feelings.

“...your mama’s cooking did always get me to eat.” I say softly, able to read Alastor’s mind.

“What can I say? Her jambalaya’s so good it nearly killed her!” He chuckled.

That felt weird to hear. He usually let out a full laugh. He did not usually chuckle. And the laugh was usually performative.

“Good enough to raise the dead for a bowl or two.” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

“And it sometimes did!” Alastor laughed.

I allow myself a chuckle. I can let down my walls around him.

“Thanks, Al.” I smile finally.

“No trouble, Ebony, my dear. Always here to help.” He smiled, returning to his usual smile. “No need to worry about judgment either, I know how hard this is for you.”

I smile, silently thanking him. 

“I think I’m gonna grab some more.”

[misscrawfords]

2, 14 and 29 for the Austen asks :))

2. Favorite Austen Man

I mean, it has to be Henry Tilney. That's kind of obvious! But I do want to give a shout-out here to grumpy, sarcastic John Knightley because I absolutely adore him - he's hilarious - and the fact he has a whole bunch of children and clearly loves being a happy family man with Isabella of all people under all the grumpiness just makes me love him even more. What a guy.

14. Favorite love confession from the books

Austen is notorious for not writing proper, fully expressed love confessions and responses. She's so coy! I mean, other authors of the period also do the same but it's so annoying! So I think it has to be Knightley's "I cannot make speeches" speech. He's so warm and honest and they know each other so well. It feels very real, as do their conversations after the engagement. You rarely see that.

Also I've got to mention Darcy's iconic first proposal. Like, yes, it's awful but it's also incredibly romantic from his perspective. To admit you love someone so much that you are willing to overlook all the things that are making you second guess it and you disapprove of - that's incredibly romantic and again he's being honest. Is he wrong to do it in that way and is his attitude wrong? Yes! But is it romantic and with a truly stunning opening line? Also yes.

29. Character you most relate to

I think the genius of Austen is that all her heroines are relatable to a certain extent and I can identify with all of them sometimes and in some ways and at different times in my life. I always used to think myself an Elinor, mainly because the first guy I ever had feelings for was secretly dating a crazy girl who pretended to be my friend... ~drama. But over time I've realised as I've got older, I'm much more of a Marianne. I react extremely emotionally, I over-romanticise, I play moody piano music and wax lyrical about dead leave when I'm upset... Yeah.

I identify with Fanny crushing silently on her best friend, watching him get entangled with other women, painfully aware he only sees her as a friend. Multiple times over - but I'm done with that in my life. Enough's enough.

It's a cliche but I have often felt very close to Lizzy (everyone wants to identify with Lizzy, right?!) but mainly for her flaws. I really relate to her judgement, her hiding anger and vulnerability behind quick wit and sarcasm, and also, frankly for being incredibly wrong in her judgements. I've made some pretty egregious mistakes about people that I'm still trying to unpick, while all the time thinking I'm an amazing judge of character. So yes, I do relate to Elizabeth a lot. And my closest IRL friends tend very much towards Jane Bennets. I look at the friends I'm lucky enough to have and very often think, "Wow, I have no idea how I have managed to end up with these beautiful cinnamon rolls of human beings caring about me and I am not sure I deserve it but I definitely appreciate it!" and I think that's very Lizzy Bennet. [/"ironic" humble brag <- also Lizzy Bennet]

Austen Asks

[baronetcoins]

buddy you KNOW i want those speeches thoughts

*deep sigh* fine. let's do this.

My qualifications here are thus: I did three years of competitive speech and debate, and did pretty well for myself (two time state qualifier, two time national qualifier, one time state champion). I also spent a year as team co-captain, and a year helping a teacher at my school teach the speech and communications class. Also, i'm an extremely judgemental bitch. With that in mind,

Hakeem Jeffries

Jeffries started out his speech by thanking the Democratic caucus, and by calling them out for being unified. Which makes sense, that's a good contrast to draw and it comes across as more dignified for not mentioning the Republicans or their negative example by name and instead just going on the positives.

He then moved on to praising Pelosi for her leadership, calling her the greatest speaker of all time, and setting up what I'd call the main rhetorical theme of Jeffries' speech: alliteration. Jeffries loves alliteration. I can't tell you if that's a common factor of all of his speeches, because I haven't watched any outside of this one, but boy. Does he like his alliteration.

"Throughout her time in congress she's been a legendary legislator, a fabulous facilitator, and a non-nonsense negotiator. [...] A defender of democracy. A voice for the voiceless, and a powerful champion for the children, the climate, charm city, California, the caucus, the congress, the country, and the constitution."

There's a bible Quote detour after the Pelosi section, which I'm not personally a fan of because it seems like it's a detour that's unnecessary. However, what he uses it to transition to is great and something more democrats should do: talk about their goddamn accomplishments. It includes a line that I think any other speaker would have made sound incredibly cheesy, but I think Jeffries pulls off:

"The D in Democrat stands for 'deliver'."

(which of course got boos from the Republican side. lots of heckling. whatever, children.)

The next section does a lot of laying out an agenda going forwards, I think it's inoffensive and fine, and there's another big chunk of alliteration. You think I'm kidding about this speech? go watch it for yourself.

I liked the language about diversity, mostly, though did notice that trans people were glaringly missing from his whole thing about the kind of people who make up America. Whatever.

Rhetorically, I like framing the Democratic party as the party of the American dream. For as much as like. leftists will criticize that idea, I think it's probably still persuasive to a lot of people and I'm always going to argue for effectiveness of outcome over ideological purity. I also like pointing at the house Republicans and their bullshit and saying "we're reasonable! ball's in your court" (paraphrasing).

And then, the main event. The grand listing of Democratic values, an alphabetical list of alliteration. You can watch it here, set to music. I kinda liked how pointed it got! I'm a big fan of people who don't pull punches when they're dealing with bullshit, and I don't think this did that. Also, I respect that he got all the way to the end of the alphabet that's a hard feat to pull off. Do you know how hard it is to find political contrasts to make where both parts start with X or Z? I don't think I could have done that!

Overall, I liked it. I don't know if it was great, but it's certainly unique enough to be memorable for a bit, at least among the kind of people who watch 15 minute speeches at like 10 in the evening on a friday (me).

Also, you could see how hard he struggled to find nice things to say as he introduced Kevin lmao

Kevin McCarthy

Starting off strong with an ineffectual little gavel hit like a kid with a new toy, and then an incredibly stupid little joke.

"That was easy, huh?" -Kevin McCarthy, 2023, after 15 ballots.

Followed by a dig at the opposition, for no reason

"Hakeem, I've gotta warn ya. 2 years ago, I got 100% of the vote from my conference."

He then thanked the Clerk, which I actually think is a very good thing to do. I'll give him that. That lady deserves all the kudos she's been getting: normally, nobody knows who she is and then all of a sudden the eyes of the nation are on her. Then he makes an appeal to "my father once told me" which. eugh. I don't like these.

"My father once told me, it's not how you start. It's how you finish."

He then talks about being the son of a firefighter (we get it! we know! I don't know what he thinks this proves!) and then being able to achieve high office in the most uninspiring possible way, as well as shouting out Jeffries' life story too as if we did not just hear it in much more engaging detail like 15 minutes ago.

pictured: a man who is wondering if he has to clap.

Kevin then promises Jeffries that he'll keep debates civil, which. LMAO. Jeffries mouths something in response which might be "no" or "bet". I don't know I don't read lips. (also side note: LOVING the free CSPAN camera angles throughout all of this. Free the cameras. I want to watch reaction shots always.)

He hits the highlights. Bladyada the economy, respect law enforcement, dreams come true in america, etc. He wants to cut spending, lower prices, stop the rise of the national debt (if you're playing the Republican speech drinking game, here's where you take a drink), slash regulations (another drink), do more american energy, the works.

The interesting bit comes after, where he talks about some specifics of his plan for governance. He promises the first bill when they come back is to repeal the funding for 87,000 new IRS agents. He wants to tackle the southern border (take a drink) and stop "woke indoctrination in our schools" (another drink, or maybe throw one at your tv. either way). He's really repetitive in his speech: if i hear "wasteful washington spending" one more time I am going to Lose It. There's some dumb line he seems very proud of here. Oo look at you doing assonance how clever:

"From now on, if a Washington bureaucrat wants to spend it, they will come before us to defend it."

He promises a bipartisan select committee on China, because of course the Republican party has to be hyper focused on China. There are also, apparently, going to be committees on the withdrawal from Afghanistan, the origins of COVID (really? really?? it is the year of our lord 2023 and we're still doing lab leak bullshit?), and the "weaponization of the FBI" (read: raiding Mar-a-lago). These feel like presumably some of the compromises made with the freedom caucus to buy their vote.

IDK I'm focusing on policy so much because his speaking style is so bland. every attempt at flourish falls flat. he is like the lukewarm oatmeal of speaking styles. It just feels clumsy.

He focuses a lot on his little section about opening up the house (physically). Including a dumb little metaphor about the debates being open too. Actually he just talks about debate good a lot which, I say as a former debate kid: lmao.

The thanks to his family does have huge oscar acceptance speech vibes, but it is also probably the best part of this speech. Comes across as cute and genuine. He then follows it with a very dumb quote from a Song, losing the moment entirely. Kevin, fire your speechwriter. He then goes back to his father being a firefighter! We KNOW.

Again, if I have to give him some kudos (reluctantly) it's for his bits about the families of the lawmakers supporting them. I think it's humanizing, a thing he needs desperately.

There's then a whole thing about Lincoln, and the statuary hall because that's where Lincoln served, and oh boy does it sounds like he jerks off to fantasies of Lincoln. Like, listen to this. I'm just going to excerpt it all. (emphasis mine)

"My most favorite spot in this building is not in this Chamber. It's in the chamber they met before, in the statuary hall. It's my favorite place to take people on a tour. You see, it's where Abraham Lincoln served. Just a one term congressman, sat in the back. I like to go to that spot, and I like to stand where he stood. I like to do it at night, when people aren't around. I like to look over, and look at the clock, because that's the same clock and same view that Abraham Lincoln saw. I've watched Lincoln serve in the greatest challenge to our constitution, the Civil War. I watched him take peoples who were rivals. I watched in a time that he did not know if the nation could sustain itself, but he dreamt of a future, and built a railroad across the nation. I want us to all take a moment one time that you are here. I want you to stand there. I want you to look. And I want you to think, if America could do it then, we could do it now one more time."

He promises an open door opportunity, which. Lmao, we'll see. And then he goes on a LONG ramble about the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware that doesn't appear to have a point. If I was coaching this speech, I'd tell him to make the point more explicit or cut this section entirely. It's so weird. It sounds like a freshman paper. He also makes a GREAT mouth typo here:

"If we let everybody in the boat. If we row in the same cadence together. There is no obstacle this body can overcome for this nation."

pictured: Matt Gaetz, on his phone throughout the painting section.

I will also give Kevin one other thing: he's pretty self-deprecating in this speech, and I think that's the only correct tone to take after this embarrassment of a process. Congrats on reading the room, Kevin. Now if you could read the room and make your goddamn speech shorter, that'd be great.

Overall, C-. Terribly boring. It feels very... clumsy? Is probably the best way to put it? and It's so long. It did not need to be this long. I'm looking at the clock and I've spent almost an hour and a half writing this post. Jesus Christ. Good night, and God bless America.

[halcyon-digest]

2015

Art Klaudt: Visiting the island of Barra and listening to Destroyer/Hex Enduction Hour/The Del Byzanteens/Twin Fantasy on the way there/back

Anonymous 1: unknown

ava: getting obsessed with the a cappella group pentatonix. joining a twitter fandom for the first time to talk about pentatonix. staying in bed all throughout the end of that summer just watching every music video, vlog, live performance, etc they ever put out. starting high school and getting so excited when pentatonix (or their offshoot superfruit) would release new youtube videos because they would always go online right as my final study hall period of the day was coming to an end. pentatonix were my first contemporary obsession; it was a whole new feeling. it was an enormous event in my life when they put out their first fully original album that fall. the excitement i felt was unparalleled. plus their existence in the internet era (compared to my usual preference for 20th century rock bands) meant there was just heaps and heaps of stuff for me to watch and listen to and analyze and absorb into my being. i can’t even describe how much pentatonix meant to me that year.

kate: I graduated from college and was still clinging to this lab job I had on campus while I tried to figure things out. My boyfriend at the time's parents had offered to let me live at his house (with them) since I could no longer live on campus, until I could find an apartment or a job back in my hometown. But uh... I didn't really. His mom was really judgemental and controlling, even though she would be outwardly nice to me, and I could tell my presence was annoying her but my ex kept insisting it was ok. There were a couple times when she cracked and threw a big tantrum. Once was on his dad's birthday. She would say the most targeted yet indirect things to get under his and my skin, and it would escalate over the course of the evening to full on screaming at him later. I didn't know what to do except to walk out to the curb and cry and think about throwing myself in front of a car. It was traumatizing. But she had her own trauma going on, and abusive exes and even crazier sisters, and there was this whole drama while I lived there and his grandfather was dying that was just awful for everyone involved. Anyways in November everything came to a head and she threw a massive fit that culminated in kicking him and me (his "liberal-ass girlfriend") out. I remember packing and feeling weirdly calm, like the fear had pushed past some limit and saturated and become nothing. I stayed at a labmate's apartment that night and for the next couple days, quit my job and moved home. I tried to pay his mom $600 for letting me stay as long as she did but she didn't accept it. I accidentally left a box of my dad's records there in my hurry to get out. And he broke up with me a week after my birthday in 2016. So it goes.

Anonymous 2: school picture day i  had a really fucked up dye job because i tried to make my hair pink without any help and i did not bleach it nearly enough to go a color that light. i was wearing a grey shirt with flowers on the arms

Lucas: I remember watching some political content on YouTube

Anonymous 3: Walking on the hill with my mother, it was warm and windy, I was the most suicidal I'd ever been, waiting for sertraline to start working, and I had to tell her how scared I was that I was going to die, and had to ask her to help me, even though the knowledge that I was making her have knowledge that her child was suicidal was an even worse feeling than being acutely suicidal

Anonymous 4: Joining my schools weekly tv broadcast (just about school news)

Anonymous 5: Though maybe that happened in this year. Logging onto a now defunct social media site

superswag: Second memory, watching qubo, and being an tablet baby

v0w0v: Playing games online and in person with my ex and his friends. We were in a ranked league of legends team that did pretty well and would play DnD on weekends. One of them was really rich and had peacocks in the backyard. One of the peacocks was named Kevin Bacon. I remember near the end of summer we all went jetskiing on the rich friend's property and I got too excited with the sharp turns and launched myself into the water.

Anonymous 6: Looking online and learning what transgender is from an online post, realising I felt weird about being male.

Anonymous 7: calling someone a cunt for the first time because they smacked an ice cream out of my hand during lunch.

binnie: Super Smash Bros 4... The most I enjoyed school up to this point was definitely playing this game during lunch, it was filled with such excitement even if it was fairly routine for one kid in particular to win all the time.

Anonymous 8: Getting into my first relationship, although it was a short one.

April M. Mildew: I was in bed after watching skeptic atheist debunking videos with a smug look on my 12 year old face and then I for the first time I considered the idea that I would die and there would be "nothing" and that it would just end. I shook with fear. I had to get rid of the blanket I slept with because it was causing the thoughts.

[inneedofavoid]

Okay this is going to be a long first post because i need to explain myself. First of all before someone says "why don't you write in a journal"?

1.) Screw you i can do what i want

2.) this is my call for help, i want people to respond

3.) This is a dead enough app that i feel comfortable sharing these thoughts i haven't shared with anyone

4.) Writing makes my hand cramp

I won't be tagging any of my posts except with the vent tag because im not trying to spread this every where. Also the posts will not be regular, so if you find this as a source of comfort... find something else. Now that's out of the way, i'll type everything out (i'll add music for my own enjoyment)

Why the fuck is everything so hard. I constantly feel like i'm missing something and I'm gonna screw my whole life over. College deadlines are coming up and if i don't finish them will they just not let me go? I don't know and I don't really want to find out. Summer is such a confusing season for me. I want to be happy because I can actually sleep and i don't have to go to school, but honestly i enjoy school. I like seeing my friends without hassling and making plans, and now I have to leave them behind. No one from my highschool is going to my college and that is so scary. Yeah I know of a few people but I don't KNOW them. I like meeting new people but it is also making me panic. Also, to put a cherry on the cake, i've been having a major identity crisis. I don't know who i am or what i want to be. I've always been fine with saying whatever i don't care about labels. I love who i love and you can call me what you want type bullshit but now it's feeling too vague. The only problem with that is that I'm feeling vague. Also i don't want those harmful fucking microlabels pinned on me. That's too stressful. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual, but i honestly can't tell. I like men but then i don't. I love women all the time tho. Am i a lesbian? I don't know. I don't even know if i'm a woman. I thought i was comfortable with being a woman but i don't know, sometimes it doesn't feel right. Like the biggest example is when i see two guys in a mlm relationship. I long so deeply for that to be me. For me to be a guy with another guy, but I also want to be in a wlw relationship as well. I want a dick, i want my tits chopped off, but then i don't and i absolutely love doing my hair and make up? Nothing is making sense to me and I don't know who i am. I've gotten fat and i'm trying to lose weight but i can't. It's so hard. i'm sure playing basketball at college will help but I don't want to wait until then. I want to be able to wear a bikini without crying this summer. And again, you can try with that love yourself bullshit, but how am i supposed to love myself when all i get is judgemental looks and harsh comments because at the end of the day we live to breed. I don't know. I think that's it for now. bye.

[theramblinghockeydude]

My faith

I have been asked many times in my life why I believe in Jesus. What is the basis for my faith? Why would you actively believe in something that you can't see, touch or feel? Mind you, I don't come close to having all the answers, there are many things that happen in my life and this world that I cannot explain or that even make sense to me, but faith is trusting in what you cannot explain or see or feel or touch. So, why do I believe?

I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't believe in Jesus. Growing up I went to St. Peter's Lutheran Church in Sawyer for sunday school. Pastor Peterson was awesome, loved that guy. I don't know, it all just felt very comfortable and normal from an early age. I'll admit, when you are young you usually believe because you are told to or that is what those around you are doing, the true test of of faith, at least in my eyes, is when you get older and you being to see more clearly how things truly work in the world and you are able to develop your own thoughts. To be honest, most of the time I didn't really even think about why I believed, I just knew I did and that was good enough for me.

I didn't really start to truly think about it until after I graduated college. I went through a time where I questioned a lot of things about my faith. I felt like a lot of Church was showy and judgemental. Mind you, I knew a lot of great people in the Church and those thoughts were no reflection upon them, just the Church as a whole. Why was it so important what I wore to Church? I mean, yeah, I'm not going to show up all dirty and ripped up, but I wasn't someone who was comfortable with dress attire, I was more comfortable with casual, maybe some black slacks (yes, I just used the word slacks, thank you grandma Helen, next thing you know we will all be sitting on the Davenport) and polo shirt or button down, but for some that was never enough. I always thought to myself back in those days, does God really care what somebody wears to come and worship Him? What if somebody was down on their luck and they didn't have anything special to wear on that particular Sunday, pretty sure God would still welcome them with open arms. My favorite was those that like to play the "I have more Jesus points than you" game. I have done more good than you. I know more about the Bible than you do. I can recite names from the Bible and who belongs to what family better than you. Let's play some Bible trivia so I can show you how many more Jesus points I have accumulated. It was very off putting to me when around those types. Being told that I wasn't quite doing things correct, no, you need to pray like this. You can't listen to that type of music. You can't watch that show. Maybe I am wrong here and when I get to the pearly gates I will be corrected, but I have always believe that what is in a persons heart and how they react to certain things is much more important. I mean, I can listen to 80's glam rock and I have yet to live the life of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. I just happen to like that particular style of music and how it sounds. So, I was kind of lost for a while and searching. I knew I still believed, but what did that really mean. Was I doing it all wrong? Was I not good enough?

It was sometime in 1998 and I was still trying to figure it all out. I had went through a phase where I had scrapped listening to the music I grew up loving and was listening to "the appropriate" style of Christian music. Thing is, I could get on board with what they were saying, but musically it just wasn't hitting for me. I also learned during that time that "breathing" is super important to being a Christian. I was in Gideon's Trumpet one day and just for giggles I went over to the music section to see what they had, maybe I could find something that I could get on board listening to. They had a "Rock" section. I use the quotations because, up until that day, I was not aware that there were bands that rocked and also worshiped the Lord. I was told quite the opposite actually. I grabbed the first one that looked cool. The cover art had a bee on it and was all purpley and cool looking. Grabbed the head phones and scanned the cd in and that my friends was the first time I heard the glorious sounds of Disciple. The first song that played was entitled "I Just Know." This was it, this was the sound I was looking for, this was the lyrics I was looking for and more important, this song actually spoke to me in ways nothing else ever had. The jist of that song is, each branch of Christianity has it's way of doing certain things, but at the core of it all is Jesus. I just know Jesus is the way, Jesus is the truth, Jesus is the life, Jesus is my God. The semantics of it all really didn't matter as we will all have our different views and interpretations of things, but Jesus, that is what it is all about. If Church A does things this way and Church B does things this way that is ok as long as Jesus is at the center of it all. Preach on brother Kevin! I grabbed up the other Disciple cd's they had and took them home and listened for hours. Mind you, back in those days, lyrically Disciple was fairly simple, but it all just made sense to me. My prayers had been answered.

I also had some really good friends that I could talk to and get their opinions on things. There was one friend in particular, she was the one who really kind of put things in perspective for me and she asked me one day when we were in her apartment chatting...have you accepted Jesus into your heart? I answered with a yes immediately, but when I went home that night I thought about it. Had I really? What did that actually mean? So, I did some research on the subject. Mind you, when I would go to Church they always had alter calls and such and I never answered those because I just didn't think it was necessary to make a spectacle of it all, that is what I thought back then at least, I think a bit different now. I realized that, yes, I do believe, but I haven't actually asked Jesus into my heart. Kind of like asking a girl you like to go out with you, she doesn't just automatically go out with you and become your girlfriend, you have to ask her and that is kind of how this is. So I asked somebody in the Church that was an important part of my life at the time about it and was given some things to think about and was told, here is a simple prayer you can pray when you are ready. It wasn't long after that I did pray that prayer and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Mind you, that didn't mean that from that day forward my life was super duper awesome and I never had any pain or issues because that is not how it works. We will all struggle in this life, that does not go away, but I have found throughout the years, that it is a bit easier to get through those things with faith and prayer.

I have been told many times in life that the Bible is just a work of fiction. Believing in Jesus is silly because it is just a fairy tale. I have seen too many things, felt too many things to believe that in my heart. There have been and are times in my life that I truly feel a presence when I am praying. Things that have happened certain ways that I can't explain other than to know that God had a hand in it. My most recent example is how things played out to get me to where I am right now with my sister and her husband. I can look back and see God's hand in how things worked out. This one may seem to silly to some, but for many years I had this weird "rash" type thing on the side of my face and on my scalp that just wouldn't go away. I prayed about it so much because it was just uncomfortable and embarrassing and I wanted it gone. One day it was gone. I hadn't done anything different to make it go away, it was just gone. Some say that Jesus isn't some genie that grants wishes and I agree with that, but I also believe that He still performs miracles for us...on His time. That being said, I know the question on your mind. Why doesn't Jesus heal your knees and your legs and give you mobility back? I honestly can't answer that question other than to say that there is a reason for it that I may never know, but the fact that I pray for healing and have yet to have it in that respect of my life does not hinder my faith one ounce. I have been through too much and seen the Lord work in others and myself to not keep my faith. There is no way that I made it through the months and months of constant pain when I had a bleeding ulcer without some sort of divine help. I barely missed any work during that time. I rarely ever slept, and yet I could function, for months. The past few years when it was just me at 3 am, not being able to sleep, not wanting to be here anymore, wanting to just drift off and never wake up. How am I going to make it through another day feeling like this? Not being able to do anything, not being able to feel anything. God was there with me, still is and always will be. I am still going to hurt and I may not be able to get up the stairs, but I can still get through each day with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

[runthepockets]

Hanging out with other trans men is really interesting cus you open up to each other about your personal lives and experiences and families and every now and then one of them will fire off "yeah who needs a dad anyway" or "I can't imagine being a guy who actually cares about making his dad proud" and I'm like damn….really? I always find myself wishing I got more time with my dad, that I had more positive male role models and friends growing up. I'd say I naturally have a pretty good head on my shoulders, but thinking "what would dad think if he saw me doing this / being treated this way" has kept me out of a lot of shitty situations and kept me away from a lot of shitty people.

No judgement cus I know these guys are just venting, that a lot of dads are lacking in their duties and fatherhood is a tough subject for most men. I'm also in favor of abolishing the family. But also, my dad is a pretty cool guy and I don't think I'd be the man I am today if he (and my brothers) hadn't shown me the way. I refuse to let "a boy needs his father" become another talking point that the right has co-opted, because it's just plain true. Speaking from experience, boys with absent or overly-critical or passive or "strong but silent" types of fathers always end up in failing relationships and walking out on their kids and emotionally stunted and in gangs and wife beaters and all sorts of other awful shit. My dad was very attentive and nurturing and present and non judgmental but simply lived too far away from my single mother for me to see him more than 1-3 times a year, so I still ended up having to pull a lot of my masculinity from my imagination, my friends, tv, music, and movies, and though I think I turned out alright and am very proud of what I've earned as a man, I don't think I'd wish that on any other boy, trans or not, as it's often a very lacking and lonely experience. As rewarding as it was watching Naruto cry for his friends, or seeing Furious Styles hug his son after his best friend was violently murdered, it just doesn't compare to having a nice, cozy boyhood where I got to wear the right clothes and get taken to baseball games and got to have 1-1 guy time to play wrestle with pops and get called to dinner with the right name and to be properly consoled the first time a girl broke my heart.

Single moms, lesbian couples, etc, with sons exist and their efforts are not to be understated or derrided or scoffed at. But I still think it's important that boys-- both cis and trans-- have at least one consistent and trustworthy adult man in their life; an uncle, a family friend, a teacher, a counsler, a coach, whatever. Just a firm yet tender and educated male figure to help him articulate his masculinity as well as the women in his life will be able to articulate their femininity due to being surrounded by an abundance of generous and self aware mothers and mothers' friends and teachers and daycare workers and nurses, y'kno?

Ensuring boys have good fathers and positive male role models won't solve everything, nor will it shelter them for all poor decision making, but I still think it's a step in the right direction. I still think it's important that boys grow up with adequate enough resources to become good men, cus the alternative sucks for everyone.

[mmm-amba]

lazy chilly summer day

1:15pm: prepare to leave for campus, probably will need to take the bus?

3:30pm: come back home

4:45pm: walk to train station

7:30pm: prepare to come home, take the next bus back

i was going to reorganize my spotify playlists which... let me try and see how that goes. update: it was very nice and relaxing.

i think i will take it easy today. i've been pretty productive the last few days so i realistically don't think i can get much done today. i still have friday to crank out some work, so that should be okay! summer has been a nice balance of finding moments of rest and also keeping myself occupied. i didn't sleep that much last night (well it was 7.5 hours which is less by my standards) because i was up journaling. i think i will journal some more.

but to summarize what i wrote about, it was all mixed up. it was about home and my dad and how i really enjoy being 23 years old.

lets see if i can come up with 23 reasons why i love being 23 (during the summer)

my brain has slowed down to care less about irrelevant people, irrelevant standards that shouldn't apply to me.

i'm still healthy and fit and able to walk long distances and function somewhat well when i'm hungry.

usually i'm just grocery shopping for one person, myself, and i can fit everything in a backpack.

when i make mistakes, they usually just impact me and myself. no collateral. i wanted to get a croissant after my morning yoga, and i went to TWO student-run coffee shops that were closed for summer break (obviously!!!)

i can eat unhealthy food and not feel too bad.

i have the independence of living how i want -- seeing people when i want, not seeing people when i don't want to.

i have the independence to sleep when i feel like it.

my "job" / employment is very low stakes.

my parents support me financially so i'm living even lower stakes.

i think dating/being in a relationship at age 23 is nice. i'm not stuck in the claustrophobia of going to the same school as my s/o. we have our separate lives. the weekend is just long enough and by wednesday or thursday i'm missing him. i feel independent in my relationship! the independence makes it feel more official.

gaining mental clarity. i can identify my differences with others, but that's neither a good nor bad thing. less judgement, less personalizing everything

developing my confidence -- this i've been working on in therapy. i was describing the way i feel about my creativity (music taste, fashion, how i arrange my spaces, jewelry making). and i was like yeah, i think it's pretty good, and some people really like it, but that doesn't really affect my own view of being a creative person. that's how i'm trying to approach other other things.

being able to eat what i want

getting to know myself better, learning what i like to do, how i like to spend my time

... and okay i'm out of reasons and am starting to get sleeeepy!

[twenytwenytwo]

Dec 14 2022 (6:15pm)

I want to live my life in a fashion that’s enthusiastic and unhesitating, full of passion and fun, and is just full and whole. I’m afraid of living any other way because I’m afraid of looking back on life and feeling like I wasted my chance to do what was worthwhile.

Funny enough, it’s the decision that living like X is worthwhile is what would cause me negative feelings in the future. It’s like I’ve vowed to torment myself if I don’t live a colourful life. I’m afraid of judgement from my future self… the self who has less time, less inhibition, less fucks to give because time has taken them. I’ve created this very judgemental, unforgiving, and frankly exhaustingly unreasonable… superego? that is constantly judging me.

What if I didn’t care? What if I lived a normal modest life; job, house, wife, kids, weekend fun, vacation, etc, and my future self didn’t mind or really care at all. What if it just said, “that’s life, good job”? What if I did an average job, lived an average life, and it’s okay. Not just okay, but good?

I vaguely remember as a kid being stressed out about underperforming, or not doing so good that my mom would be impressed. I had to do better than good. I had to do great, at least. I remember our report cards in elementary school; 4’s were the best. If I got 4’s all the way down, I could relax. Once I saw the 3’s, it was a sign that something might be wrong. If I saw a 2 (not sure that ever happened), that’d be it.

So, that may have been the beginning of me only being able to relax if I’m overachieving. If I’m doing great, not just good.

Doing great made me stand out from the crowd. Doing good just kept me out of the troubled kids crowd.

Doing great made me feel like somebody worth talking to, or thinking about, or considering in the most basic way. It made me feel like I had a positive existence.

Just being good just felt like nothing. Being great felt like something.

Being great, amazing made me feel safe in society, like I wouldn’t be forgotten about, or lost in the crowd. Yeah, it made me feel safe and certain.

As I progressed through life, I remember avoiding doing things that I wasn’t the best at. Baseball. Sprinting. I was a fast kid, but as soon as I encountered kids that were faster, I quit. I made excuses to stop. I found something else.

Then I found music. These rockstars were idolized. They were great. I liked that. They were huge and distinguished. People loved them.

I got good at guitar. Years went by and I started Zilch. We were great. That filled me, it completed me. It was perfect. The rest of the story is easy to figure out.

I could not imagine not being exceptionally good at something. I don’t know what I would be, who I would be, what I would do… it’s strange what a large part of my personality that seems to make.

I can’t stand being okay at anything, or being mediocre, or being seen as sub-par in anyway at all. I’ve got to be smart, socially adept, handsome, unique… so many things I do… just to stand out from the crowd… just because being good wasn’t good enough.

I should balance this out by acknowledging how susceptible any ordinary human is to this. Better at something than someone else? Boom, you like that thing more. Vice versa. What is it about me that seems to be particularly sensitive and aware of those things?

Perhaps I’m naturally good at learning things, but also particularly insecure about myself?

What if I was an ordinary guy with a short hair cut, a job at the mill who drive a truck? I’d likely just find something else to be particular about. Money. biggest truck, biggest muscles?

What am I without being great? What I am without my guitar? I guess that was the question I got asked this past year, the one I’ve been working on lately.

I guess I’m just a guy who likes to have fun, likes art and beauty, likes hanging out with friends, who likes boobs and pretty girls, beautiful places, hanging out in the sun, complex ideas, philosophy, nice clothes…

I would really love to be free from the insecurity toward being “mediocre”. Mediocre isn’t inherently bad, it’s bad if you think it’s bad. Mediocre can be peaceful, simple, minimalistic, sufficient, non-excessive, elegant. Mediocre can be sitting on the couch, going for a walk, taking a shower. Mediocre can be relaxing and normal, mediocre can be low-stress. If those things — by some higher standard — can be considered mediocre… I like mediocre.

So, relating this back to me. I don’t need to do everything great, amazingly in order to be happy. There is enough happiness, satisfaction, fun, meaning, laughs, friends, for those who are just good. Good is good. Good is plenty.

Another aspect of being great, was this sort of peacocking I would do in order to kinda butter people up to being friends, and being pleasant around me/toward me. It’s likely a feedback loop sort of thing. This made it so I felt like I didn’t need to earn people liking toward me which… is obviously not superb long term because that’s important. Feeling like people like you from the get-go makes it so you don’t put in enough work into the relationships. This is another thing I’ve learned this year and am working on.

Being very caring and mindful with my relationships, and myself is a big goal for me in life. That would be an amazing life achievement, to really take care of the people around you, and build a strong healthy community of great friends and people.

So, to summarize: performing decent, okay, average in life is perfectly good, totally fun, is full of colour and passion, and is worthwhile. You need not be afraid of not doing amazing at everything you do. Pick a few important things to do amazingly, do the rest good, do it with love, you need not break records.

You don’t need to stand out in order for people to like you, to see good in you, to appreciate and admire you, to love you. You’re enough as you are, you’re worth being friends with, you’re worth chatting up, you’re worth hanging out with, you’re fun and nice and interesting. You’re cool enough, even when you’re not that cool.

[damageinkorporated]

HELL YEAH ANOTHER TAG!!!!!

Okay this one is really exciting cause it's probably the most info there'll be on my OCs (or, James specifically) mostly because I'm a disorganized, forgetful mess but I don't care - thinking is thinking!

Anyway, like it or not, here's some info on everybody's beloved James!

Five things that make you happy

'Oh that's easy. Good food, making Pat mad, making Pat laugh, good music, and Vicky.'

If you could save just one person, who would it be?

That's a bad, bad question. Myself so that I could save others, Pat because she's Pat, and Vicky because she's Vicky, and Misha because he's a cute little idiot.

Tell us one of your funniest jokes

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A gun.

'I don't know man, I usually steal from Pat and she's not here, go figure.'

Where would you like to visit?

Well, it seems that everywhere was so nice before...I bet Yellowstone is still breathtaking, but honestly I'd like to see new places if it were safe.

When do you usually go to sleep?

Sleep early, rise early. That's how you get ahead.

Are you a jealous person?

Jealous of what? Vicky? I mean, I could be, but that would be annoying, so no.

Have you committed a crime?

I don't see any courts or cops around here. I did no violence on Haggler territory, sure, but by the old world's standards, OH BOY.

Do you have a chore you usually hate?

Keeping Pat and Vicky calm every now and then. They seem to be getting along well, but every now and then there is an attempted murder. Shit happens? Now that I'm talking about it, maybe I should look around for some chains...

Tell me an embarrassing childhood story

Ohhh, hahaha, so you see, my dad would play a lot of solo artists when I was little, but I ended up taking the names too literally. Guess how much I cried when I heard of a band called 'The Dismemberment Plan'. Don't tell Pat.

Are you a good person?

I'm a person. I try to do what I think is good as much as I can. I leave the judgement to others, not that I care a whole lot.

What’s the worst thing you’ve done? Do you regret it?

Hmm...leaving Pat and Vicky. Oh and two things about Jess: Following her so blindly and letting her live.

What’s the quickest way to make you laugh?

I laugh easily (chuckles) see? Just a witty comment or funny circumstance is good enough.

What is your favorite song right now?

Blood Pressure by Mutemath. Next question.

Do you sometimes wish to be someone else?

What? No? I'm together with some of the awesomest people I know, going on awesome adventures and having a lot of fun. I mean, sure there are times when I wish I didn't have to deal with really annoying things, but overall, I'm all good.

Do you push forward or take time to rest?

Rest is good, rest is important, that's why I'm an idiot and have a tendency to push forward.

What is your favorite drink?

Oh one of those things where they used to like, uhh, shit I forget what it is. I had a taste of it once and it was amazing. I think it was some sort of coffee? Or maybe some juice. I just tried explaining it to Pat and Misha and got insulted in two different languages if that makes you feel better.

If you had to pick a single item of clothing or an accessory to wear for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Good shoes. Like, the boots I got on right now - the rest is good, sure, but being able to walk and run freely is number one. Though if it counts, my sword instead. That would be funny, fighting naked with just a sword.

If you were forced to forget a single memory, what would it be?

Why of course that one time I just forgot what I was saying when talking to Vicky. That was rather embarrassing for me. Pretty sure she got a good laugh out of it though, so maybe not that.

What is a positive thing your worst enemy would say about you?

If they aren't complimenting my fighting I'm either dead or they're mute. I take pride in my swordfighting.

Hopefully these answers have his personality reflecting vividly enough, cause I just love him! Anyway, I guess I should focus on Pat and Vicky too (no, not writing the actual story, don't be ridiculous) cause those two are also funny as hell.

Thanks for the tag again!!

Mega OC Questionaire!!!!!!!

Time to get to know Artemys Raine, I guess!

(psst this is her story)

Five things that make you happy

“Hmmm... there are several things that make me happy, but Magnus usually tells me that 'eight year olds shouldn't have that big of a knife collection'. I like tricking people, and I like the song that Alec always hums to himself when he makes coffee in the morning. I like feeding the pigeons on the windowsill in the morning, when New York is... well, slightly quieter than normal, and when it's foggy in Central Park and I can dance with the Fae."

If you could save just one person, who would it be?

“Myself. Always."

Tell us one of your funniest jokes

“I don't joke much really... Magnus says my humour is more suited to an eighty year old than an eight, but then again he's the one with all the t-shirt puns."

Where would you like to visit?

“I really want to go to Peru..."

When do you usually go to sleep?

“According to Alec, eight pm every night. Magnus is a pushover and lets me stay up to midnight."

Are you a jealous person?

“Jealous of what? Power? I have more than enough myself, although I'm always happy to collect more."

Have you committed a crime?

“Are you a cop?"

Do you have a chore you usually hate?

“Having to baby-sit grown-ass adult Shadowhunters who keep almost dying."

Tell me an embarrassing childhood story

“I was born. That was pretty embarrassing."

Are you a good person?

“Ehhhh...."

What’s the worst thing you’ve done? Do you regret it?

“I briefly locked Jace in a room with a squirrel, I have no regrets. (Magnus is reading this over my shoulder and says I should add all the murder I've done, but I think the duck was worse, honestly)

What’s the quickest way to make you laugh?

“Probably tickling me, but that's also the quickest way to get a knife in the gut."

What is your favorite song right now?

“Magnus keeps playing ABBA, and I like Fernando the best, although he always dances with me during 'Does Your Mother Know' which is fun."

Do you sometimes wish to be someone else?

“Sometimes."

Do you push forward or take time to rest?

“Time to rest is time to get stabbed in the back, if you need to heal, do it while planning."

What is your favorite drink?

“Coffee. As strong as I can get away with before Alec notices."

If you had to pick a single item of clothing or an accessory to wear for the rest of your life, what would it be?

“My backpack. It has everything I need in it, and most of what I own."

If you were forced to forget a single memory, what would it be?

“I assume this is meant to be some sort of deep, sentimental question, but I'd simply forget the memory of whatever I'd dreamt about last night."

What is a positive thing your worst enemy would say about you?

“One of them told me that I was quite tenacious just after he stabbed me. I would be more proud if it hadn't come from Valentine."

she's so sassy, i love her (yes, magnus is working on the therapy thing. no shes not convinced yet.)

adding my tag list (+/- lemme know) and an open tag!!!

@hyperfixation-tangentopia @pippinoftheshire @cherrybombfangirlwrites

@once-and-future-fandoms @glasshouses-and-stones @deanscherrypie420

@agirlandherquill @lillybaaaka @late-to-the-fandom @toodumbforusernames

@damageinkorporated @aquadestinyswriting @druidx

@iIlovevewritingfanfic @supercimi @creative-author

@27paperlilies @avocado-frog @abigailmartinwriting