#because i spend most days alone
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i just want to be held
#.txt#i want to be held and know they’re going to stay conscious#i want to know that they’re there and feel them there and hear them talk#i hate that im so touchy#i hate that my main way of regulating is touching them#not even sexually but just cuddling and touching somehow#i hate being so needy#i hate myself#i shouldn’t be awake crying because im so fucking sad#because they’re asleep#because im alone#because i spend most days alone
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It was Maid Day today yesterday a week ago so I got struck by inspiration to draw the worsties, and it ran away from me into a whole AU where they’re coworkers at a maid cafe. She’s a med student & this is just a part time job, and this is his depression job while he gets his life back together. He needs something he can be workaholic about to forget what it’s like having a personal life and personal issues. He’s actually the accountant, but the new hire janitor (Izutsumi) doesn’t show up for half her shifts and is a sloppy worker, so he gets the extra work of doing her job on top of his because he’s undervalued and overworked. Of course, janitors also have an uniform to keep the aesthetic cohesion as they go about cleaning the place, of course.
Senshi’s the part time cook you only see slivers off, he’s kind and warm when you do see him and have a chat but most shifts he’s in and out the kitchen without a trace. Laios and Falin are regulars because Falin and Marcille are besties & in the same med school, Laios accompanies Falin as she visits her friend at work and gets hooked on the food. Chilchuck has to remind Marcille to work instead of chatting with Falin for an hour, and next thing he knows she’s distracting him from work too. That’s it that’s the AU. Inspired by this idol AU fanart a bit <3
This was not meant to be birthday gift but well…… Happy bday Chil!!!
Read from left to right
#Dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#Chilchuck tims#marcille donato#spoilers#dunmeshi au#Maid cafe au#Marchil#Workwife marchil save me. Kabuholm in the background bc i said so lmao#i think people forget marci n chil are coworker worsties first and foremost. Ppl should capitalize on it more#The orange hair swag that makes him look like a marketable idol more#You can tell idk how to draw maid outfits. I hate those hats sm I will miku miku beam them out of existence#Marcille does change her hairstyle everyday btw#they don’t get back together btw she goes you haven’t talked to me in 4 years and he immediately goes YOU haven’t talked to ME in 4–#i mean ehem i’m sorry haha… while Marcille is like 4 years?! 4 years…#Mei only did it bc Fler has been getting jittery again kept sighing#I wanted to draw Chil with a car key at his belt but it wasn’t meant to be#idk if marchil ever gets together in this one it’s an eternal summer coworker with tension situationship au#romance is when you slowly deteriorate his work ethics so he starts skipping on his worktime to spend it at the front messing around w you#once he’s blessedly in the office and he hears this huge crash and the Marci just goes ‘…… Chiiiiiil?’ cue sigh and having to repair#the coffee machine. So many lil comics i couldn’t indulge myself to draw save me#shoutout to the time as a cashier in training at a convenience store I was left by my coworker who was supposed to wash the greasy chicken#oven but didn’t so I had to clean it for the first time myself while I was alone in the store and was also supposed to man the front#Shoutout to my convenience store’s accountant helping us with cashier duties often when there was less job to do ty ty#Understaffed struggles are so real#People also call Chil a manager because the boss is most often away so he just does everything#There’s no union but maybe one day he’ll get to overthrow the boss idk#The pay IS good at least#Modern au
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can’t talk about it
[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.
Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."
The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"
The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."
The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."
The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."
The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged#back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this#department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being#alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever#badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of#guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too#i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time#it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally.#evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay#they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their#desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even#if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years#they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg#and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone.#ruporas art
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as much as I would like to believe that Frederick and Asuka could be friends again, like, Freddy is building that rocket as fast as he can to kick his ass before the residual FoC and Gear power leaves his body. I'm sorry. I know I'm the Asuka apologist but dude. Nearly 2 centuries of the most unimaginable agony and festering sense of betrayal, compounded by Asuka goading him intentionally on multiple occassions (his reasoning behind all this goading aside) he is not just going to be able to let that go.
Asuka's crimes against humanity are one thing, you can argue til you're blue in the face about that and there's actual ground to cover there, but what he did to Frederick and Aria is like... damn dude. You, without their consent, turned them into gears. You lied about it to their faces too. Aria, someone who is cited as having her identity and who she is as a human being be one of the most important things to her, trusted you to put her into cryosleep because you said you'd find a way to save her so that she could be with Frederick. She didn't want that, she wanted to stay and spend the time she had left with Frederick instead, but she let you convince her cause she trusted you. And you took away her body, identity, and autonomy. You took Sol's humanity from him following that, lied to him about it, and then spent 200 years pissing him off so bad on purpose to make sure he'd always be there to help you fix everything. Oh, and then you made him kill his wife that you mutilated. Twice, essentially.
I love you Asuka, but shit, that's all kinds of levels of fucked my man. Frederick justifiably hates you really REALLY bad. I hope we get something in Dual Rulers settling this, cause Frederick just letting that go even following the events of Strive is just kinda unrealistic.
#sairambles#guilty gear#frederick bulsara#sol badguy#asuka r kreutz#aria hale#I've been thinking about it a lot recently#I think it'd take me like actual years to cover just this dynamic between the three of them alone#like Asuka and Sol being friends is important to me but#it's not really feasible. Sol's whole life and world was ruined for about 2 centuries#and Asuka is manipulative! He admits to that!#like at the end of the day it sucks but the price of saving the world was his most important relationships#and that is a tragedy because his very desire to cling desperately to the most important people in his life#is exactly what ruined him in the end#and that fucks me up SO bad#and then you gotta feel for Freddy too#like he essentially got caught in the crossfire#I forgot to talk about it in the post but he also had to spend those centuries suppressing violent gear bloodlust#like he wears that limiter for a reason#and Asuka made him that way on purpose. He “needed a warrior” as he says in Overture#it's all just. so fucked#it's crazy to see how much AsuSol there is and then how much “Sol hates Ky” there is next to it#Like... Sol and Ky are borderline familial#ESPECIALLY by the end of Xrd#Asuka though? He wants to kill that guy. Or at the VERY least beat him within an inch of his life#and even then man like#is that going to be enough?#after aria and 200 years of agony#like how much ass beating is really going to make you feel better? Is there any amount of violence that will let you get it all out?#shit man I don't think any amount would be enough for me
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a little art comp of my major pieces this calendar year!!! i think tumblr crunched the quality, alas! but you can always scroll my art tag and see the full images!
#can y'all fucking BELIEVE how much my art improved this year ALONE?!#this is also nowhere near my full amount of rory art it's just most of my rory art is not fully colored dvlfjkvskd#and there was one rory piece i was gonna put in here (modern au in the leather jacket and spikes) but i had to cut for space#actually there were a few pieces i had to cut for space i've done SO MUCH art this year!!!!!!#oh this doesn't even include some art i've never posted!!! like! i've done SO MUCH#marigold appearing more than elias is. something. they just grip my brain fkbdkjfvbdkjf and i have some elias pieces in the works they're#just absolutly MASSIVE pieces i need to sit down and spend a good few days on with ink and pencil i just haen't. done that yet flvjdfjbdfjk#dye stained art#yearly art comp#hell i didn't even fit thursday on here#who. i need to do more art for fbjvjkvf#this has also been my first year painting with ink!!!#the last time i painted before this year was... 2017? i used to mainly do acrylic and watercolor (oil spensive) and!#well now i kinda still do watercolor but instead of watercolor paint i use fountain pen ink with my brush#my. single. brush. btw jfdkvkjd because!!!! i have lost all of my others#no this really is only a fraction of what i've made
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With the release of From The Rehearsal Room - Tokyo to Ramin's youtube I finally, finally, continue and finish this side project I'm doing.
Initially, I used AI to mastered it because the first version I got from bilibili were not in good quality but I wasn't satisfied and I found the much better quality. But with Ramin uploaded it to youtube, I re did all the mastering just with audacity for both Part 1 and Part 2. The Part 2 is still from the better version I found from bilibili, by the way.
What you need to do is just download the file and put it on your music player. The metadata is all completed as if it's whole legit album. Enjoy, guys!!
And I'm being weird so all the lyrics that are put there are from my listening although I still use what I found online but I still listened and compared. They made few ad-libs and changes and I notice because for the songs that I wasn't familiar, the lyric that I found online and what they sang was slightly different. Perhaps they sing the newer version of the lyrics or mistakes? Even each Sheytoons songs they sing one in both parts differ from the ones I found online.
Another sample from my favorite:
Source and Credits Part 1 | Part 2 (Ramin's upload) Album cover Photos
Vocal & Guitar: Ramin Karimloo, Hadley Fraser Piano: Ryohei Mori
#from the rehearsal room#ramin karimloo#hadley fraser#more to come probably idk we'll see#i should've also continue that eight letters project *sigh#sheytoons#edit: the lyrics hehe#add: tbh after i read steal our moments lyric so many times i even transcripted this mostly myself#bcs this is the only one among all the songs in this session that doesn't have the lyric online because they sang this so rare like soo rar#why am i starting to feel this song is about sierra lol sorry but my inner shipping heart can't resist#i even consult chatgpt (i know why idk but just asking really)#aren't all sheytoons songs written when ramin was in LND? written exactly in his dressing room in adelphi theatre???#and tbh most of sheytoons song are mostly about observing women but who idk it could be different#one of them could be about mandy and the other could be about rosalie because i know at that time she and hadley were dating already right?#or it could be some random lady#steal our moments: perhaps it's about a fleeting or secret relationship#the first verse is that the girl is full of life (house full could mean fulfilling life) but she is lonely and sierra lived alone in london#the singer and her share dreams and memories and then she plays her game of make believe could indicate that both of them are actors#every night and every day this is what we do: that's their work. they're on stage together every day every night. and ofc spending time tgt#and then the reff is about the singer doesn't want keep living like this bcs it makes him guilty maybe? he's tearing his soul apart#the singer can't stop thinking about her so he prays that things work on in the correct way even though they can't do anything about it now#so yea :D#fish noodle couple
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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I am so entranced by ur style it's crayzay . . . I adore how you draw Sakura and Kakashi they're so silly goofy
thank youuu!!!!!! :^D i love drawing them, especially interacting together, i think there's SUCH a wealth of possibility that kishimoto failed to exploit in his storytelling that could lead to detailing parallels between the two of them—and woudln't it be a bit fitting if she ends up being, in many ways, the one most like kakashi? the one left behind?
#yamswers#rosetylerisms#ILL GO INSANE IF I START TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT IT AGAIN BUT. LISTEN#THEYRE SO ALIKE IN SO MANY WAYS !#all of the kids are like kakashi a little bit and i know sasuke was intended to present the most direct parallels but sasuke is#well. whatever. im not going to get into it BUT the point is#at the very least. while sasuke was off with orochimaru and naruto was off with jiraiya#sakura and kakashi stayed in the village while sakura learned under tsunade#i would NOT be surprised if they met up for lunch every so often so kakashi could get updates on at least ONE of his student's educations#and when you spend time with people you inevitably reflect them in minute undetectable ways#my point is that one day they go out to lunch all of them all together as adults (sai naruto sasuke sakura yamato kakashi)#and sakura and kakashi pick up their meals in exactly the same way at the same time and its just that. just such a small tiny thing#meaningless#but everyone else is like “Huh ?”#AND THERES NO ANSWER TO THAT HUH! BECAUSE ITS A MEANINGLESS GESTURE ! its just a way of holding a bowl! a coincidence of timing !#but all the same everyone is like what the fuck sakura is like kakashi in this small way. and naruto points it out to her because he knows#it will piss her off#and it does. she's still the one who criticizes kakashi the most brutally. and sai is just baffled about what any of this matters for#but he doesn't want sakura to get bullied alone he's Trying To Be Nice so he starts immitating both sakura and kakashi.#WHICH MAKES SAKURA MORE MAD#and sasuke is like woa things are different than when i left. and he's just observing.#and yamato doesn't have anything to add this is massively entertaining for him. dinner and a show? watching kakashi get dunked on? say less#god. “i'll go insane if i start talking too much about it again” me @ me: darling i think you're insane to begin with.#MY POINT IS. SHE IS HER LADY'S STUDENT. AND HER SENSEI'S STUDENT. and it should SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I think the worst part of the holidays is people asking me what I’m doing for the holidays.
#its always well meant you know#and do i bum them out by saying that my relationship with my (step) mom is strained#and my dad is dead so i cant build the strained bridge i made with my mom#and also the idea of the holidays makes me full of stress if i try for nostalgia because most of my holiday memories are of my mom yelling#and also I’m playong the waiting game of when is the grief gonna get me this year#cus lord knows it’ll never be when I expect it#so I’ll probably spend Christmas day alone in my apartment not reaching out to anyone cus i dont want to distract them from their day#or do i go the bubbly ‘haha i celebrated the solstice this year’#bah#why am i having morose 2am thoughts at 8pm#lux.txt#grief posting
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planning document must be going well I just said the words “explaining the endurance of Platonism could be the life I’m living” to myself. Alone. At 2:30am. Because yeah. Could be.
#mrowmrowmrowmrowmrow I should be able to submit the word nya and the word nya alone in place of a second chapter#tumblr gets my planning thoughts because. yeah#I fucking hate chapter 2 so much for being a relations chapter in what began as a relations dissertation#on one hand I feel like I’m insane if I don’t talk about Origen in ReHashing Christian Neoplatonism The Dissertation but on the other hand#it is disingenuous to talk about incorporation of Platonism without addressing the vehement arguments against it#like I was there going what I would love is a good writer/writers between Justin+clem and Augustine and went well big issue is most of the#writings between actively addressing christianity and Platonism as a shared logos are arguing by against so#there is that#(I am at peace ish with the arbitrary decision to do Justin and clem for ch1 because I do think apologetics is the best genre to illustrate#the shift I’m discussing; ideal world would have me using every writer ever but. my supervisor says I can’t do that so)#but also it is so bullshit arbitrary relations chapter#I think it weakens my argumentation as opposed to contextualising it or adding complexity#it’s just like oh you were told to show opposing views and you did#clap clap whatever#I don’t know what it’s saying#in theory I’d love to find something about the root of the difficult of reconciling the two#but also what if I don’t find that#what then#Augustine must be discussed but otherwise every other writer is more or less arbitrary short of perhaps the issue of orthodoxy#but also that is what I get for doing a deeply arbitrary capstone as opposed to something with teeth#past Lewis deciding surely I will find something of substance if I engage in investigation of something I find interesting falling into the#eternal trap of contemporary humanities#things could be framed as an examination of how ideas get incorporated into canon#but also then it’s like why this as an example#and then it’s like well maybe there’s teeth in examining whether this was a part of platonism’s endurance and#you can spend a life explaining the endurance of Platonism#you can’t just say that in your introduction and conclusion and call it a day#connecting to medieval receptions is perhaps my only hope but why do medieval receptions matter I don’t know I am not a medievalist#and i fear I could spend a lifetime examining that#capstone
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So I've been thinking. It's funny how enjoying meta is somewhat embedded with trust.
Like, if you're "friends" and have followed a person for a long time, you have more a sense of their values, and it's easier to read their difficult meta because you trust more that they're being charitable/nuanced.
If you don't know them, it's harder to trust that they're not funneling difficult topics into rationalization of liking/supporting gross shit.
#meta thoughts#case in point - so much of the wincest community still comes off super classist to me and it sorts of...leaks into their meta#you'll be going alone with an interesting character study and then you read stuff that just BOOM classism about family ties#then you go to their page and you find that yes they're into that shit and there's typically a desert of thoughtful cas military angels etc#they tend to like benny cause benny is an idealized brother substitute / sam parallel and it's given the most uncharitable reading#just because you choose a partner than is familiar and like your fam members does not mean you're into your family members oh my god#and sure there's tons of visual and overt racism in SPN in general but to me that at least gets discussed#the classism inherent to narrative fangirl obsessions with incest? not as dissected#familism and community are seen as Weird (TM) to them and they kind of tell on themselves with that imho#and like with racism there are just some things you can't overlook to enjoy a series if you're black because that's your day to day life an#with classism it's hard too bc sometimes you can't escape the reminders of day to day life#and when ppl in the fandom see the villain's monologues as TRUTH you just wanna shake your head but know it's not worth arguing#communal living is more normal than america wants you to think...rich folks want it labelled *weird* bc they want you separated and drained#i am begging us to deconstruct suburbia instead of defaulting to TEEHEE incest bc shitting on pooled resources is paramount in a rigged gam#I find the inherent isolation of american living-to-work without any time to visit each other VERY isolating indeed...also...#like how did we get here#where we're so afraid of labels like*cults* and *helicopter parenting* and *enmeshment* than we isolate as a form of hallowed independence#american success culture has a dark side too#and separating low class families is the aim#get them to spend more $$$ and go for lofty ideals in pursuit of american dream instead of pooling their resources and meeting their needs#meanwhile rich folks do so much respectable nepotism and pretend they're *self-made*#to me that's what the symbol of zachariah is ALLLL about#and if you're blind to what his taunts ACTUALLY mean...i'm very suspicious of your worldview#if resource sharing and co-living becomes shameful and *incestuous* for lower classes then they won't pool their power at all#american exceptionalism#spn + class#class#class warfare#giving up college dreams to be a caretaker seems way more common in poor families too#i suspect we see the incest reading less from brown families / hispanic fams...cause familism is more common
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if i had the energy and time to write my orv enchanted au itd be all over. id have fulfilled my lifes goal. thered be nothing left to strive for. which is of course why i cant write it and definitely not because im bad at writing for long projects.
#.text#imagine. office worker kim dokja. he babysits his neighbors daughter most days - shin yoosung's parents are never home#and shes too young to leave alone faithfully even if shes as sweet and responsible as can be. he spends his time reading and rereading#an old webnovel that eventually led him to befriend the author. and despite being rich han sooyoung still eats all of his snacks.#then of course theres yoo joonghyuk. fantasy prince from another world whos to marry lee seolhwa.#the day of his wedding he falls down a well and dies.#and then he gets isekai'd into the real world.#ive never been able to think of an antagonist for them every time i think about this au i Only think about the slow dance scene at#the end of the movie. thats so them. am i crazy.#the other thing i like to think about is shin yoosung and lee gilyoung teaming up to try and push yjh down Another well#in the hopes that he goes back to his shitty novel & stops bothering their not-dad-just-a-babysitter. they never succeed with this#OR i like to imagine my lee seolhwa/lee sookyung agenda#kim dokja vc the love interest of the webnovel i like came to life and is now courting my mom. help?#OR OR the poison apple scene. i think he'd be given the choice to send yoo joonghyuk & co home if he ate the apple & died#and because he believes thats what yoo joonghyuk would really want & doesnt value his own life he would do it.#once again incarnation kim dokja has been killed by the person he loves most. it always happens.#anyway this au will never be real just know its in my mind always.
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Here *throws random and actually much more important than I realised at first OC redesign at you after two and a half years since the OG*
Meifeng, Ming-Hua’s cousin! I just randomly remembered that she exists while putting together my OC family tree and since the only art I have of her is… nearly 3 years old and mediocre at best, and Kat and I have recently spent so much time focusing on Red Lotus siblings, I thought “Hey, why not redraw her? Just because she’s a cousin and not a sister doesn’t make her any less special than Lien-Hua, Summiya, Aiza or Haya!” (On that note… Nia give someone a brother challenge. The only one that counts is Aiza and she’s only a brother half the time)
Some headcanons about her, both new and old (the old copy-pasted over and slightly edited to save everyone the second hand embarrassment of going to look at my old art), which will go under the cut because this has gotten LONG:
Old:
Older than Ming-Hua by around 10 years
Her dad is the older half-brother of Ming-Hua's mom who’s… not the most fond of their side of the family
Has never left her home in the Foggy Swamp Water Tribe
Master healer, specialises in children. Can't have any of her own because of the high pollution levels in the swamp which is why she puts all those motherly instincts into teaching and caring for kids
Got a scar on her leg while saving Ming-Hua from some wild swamp creature when the latter was a child who was absolutely convinced she could handle everything herself and never listened to anyone. Ming-Hua still insists she had everything under control that day
She tried to understand Ming-Hua's perspective on things, she really did, but ultimately tribe mentality and fear for her cousin’s safety, believing her not to be nearly as capable as she claims to be, won over
Attempted to stop Ming-Hua from running away but was, obviously, unsuccessful
Was the one consoling Nuying after Ming-Hua left
Helped Suiren learn waterbending and held genuine affection for the girl, although she ultimately refused when Suiren begged for the chance for her and Midori to escape from Haya and live with the tribe. She thought that while Suiren would most likely adjust well, Midori was simply too Gaoling to survive in a place as dark, damp and isolated as the Swamp. She regrets that decision every day since she found out Suiren became an assassin
Mourned Ming-Hua more than anyone else in the tribe when informed of her death
New:
Was the one who babysat Ming-Hua a lot when Nuying was going through one of her depressive episodes after Cadeo left, and Ming-Hua actually enjoyed spending time with her because she was a lot less overbearing and protective than her mother. Was the first person to start calling her Ming. Sometimes Ming-Ming, but Ming-Hua had a tendency to deliver a very hard kick to the shins every time she tried that
Never left Nuying’s side when she got sick in the years following Ming-Hua’s disappearance, no matter how much everyone, including her own father, told her to stay away, there’s nothing she can do to help her. In her final moments, Nuying was delirious with fever and called out for Ming-Hua. Meifeng didn’t have the heart to remind her that her daughter left so instead let her hair down, covered her own hand in water and told Nuying that she was “right here, mom. I’m right here” and stayed like that until Nuying passed
When Ming-Hua returned, Meifeng was the one to break the news to her. Later, when Ming-Hua asked how and when it happened, she couldn’t quite stop herself from snapping at her because she should have been there, Meifeng shouldn’t have had to pretend to be her so her mother could die without worrying about where her daughter was. Their relationship never really fully recovered after that fight
Still, she had met Suiren when she was little on the rare occasions when the Red Lotus passed through the Swamp and Ming-Hua chose to take her daughter to visit the tribe. She never met Midori, but she did see Ming-Hua pregnant with her once
Didn’t know about Ming-Hua’s imprisonment until an 11-year-old Suiren told her because world news don’t reach into the heart of the Swamp. She just thought they had decided to stop visiting. The news crushed her but… a part of her couldn’t help but go “you should have fucking listened to me when I told you to stay, then this wouldn’t have happened”
Her teaching Suiren waterbending involved mostly the basics of combat (she herself doesn’t know much of it since she’s a healer), plantbending and healing. Suiren reached her level of mastery and proficiency as well as figured out icebending on her own through sheer determination and spite (she’s so much like her mama 🥹🥹🥹)
Is the only one from the tribe Suiren had ever confessed to about being an assassin. That knowledge broke her heart and she spent all those years absolutely terrified that Suiren would meet Ming-Hua’s fate. When Suiren stopped visiting at one point (when she left for her mission to kill Kuvira, got injured, recovered at ATI, reunited with her parents, broke Kuvira out and started living with her, etc etc) she had assumed that it really did happen, until Suiren randomly showed up one day with Kuvira in tow (Meifeng did not approve bc of the whole spirit vine thing 😅)
Absolutely reunited with Ming-Hua at some point and it was an extremely emotional moment
Ripped Cadeo a new one when he suddenly appeared looking for his daughter after 45+ years after it became common knowledge that the RL are all alive and no longer wanted by the law
All in all… quite an interesting character that I really should do something with at some point, bc how come Ming-Hua’s family is the only one to get 0 attention in our discussions?? #justiceformeifeng2024
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#seeds of the red lotus#sotrl meifeng#she doesn’t actually appear in any of my works. let alone sotrl. but she exists in that verse#and it’s the verse in which she plays the most major role so… that’s what her tag is now#anyway#it doesn’t seem that way but she really is a very emotionally conflicting character for me#because she was in the position to get Suiren and Midori away from Haya only four years after they were left with her#which would have left them with 75% less trauma#but she didn’t. coming up with quite a bullshit excuse#yes Midori would have missed the sun and everything but the swamp is still miles better than Haya#meifeng must have seen his skittish Suiren is. how skinny. how bruised#and yet she did nothing. yet another adult whose inaction led to tragedy#ugh. imagine a UtOS-style au where she does take them in and while the biggest obstacle is the trauma#Midori does have an insanely hard time adjusting#she’d probably spend most of her time by the giant tree because the sun gets through there#and maybe one day.. she’d run into one cranky old earthbender#who takes her up as a protege for old times’ sake#(and later hooks her up with her granddaughter– WHO SAID THAT??)#and Suiren would grow up to be a swamp warrior who decides to go after Kuvira when she harvests the spirit vines#I’m a fucking genius#Kat if you’re reading this. look at what fun new branch of the multiverse my brain just spat out!! come yell about it with me!!!#but okay. that is currently besides the point. back to meifeng#you know…#‘oh my art has really stagnated I feel like I haven’t improved in years’#BITCH THIS YOU?? look at the OG version and look at this and TELL ME you haven’t improved#my self hatred may be intense but even I can admit that I’ve gotten much better at drawing. in the character design department at least
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i'm already trying to think of things i could do on my bday next month because i wanna have a fun day
#possibly will be spending it alone bc i dunno what my friends are doing on that day#and i highkey don't wanna stay in my hometown because all i could do is eat cake with my fam and that's it#and while i appreciate it that's what most of my bdays have looked like thus far#and i'd like to do something else on my bday#i was thinking about going to the theatre or cinema#and that one cute cafe i rarely ever go to#well i have over a month to think of something
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busy trying not to let panicking depresso espresso brain take over my life rn
#im not functionally in trouble for anything kinda#but i left my wired headphones in and visible yesterday by accident and it kiiinda got us a safety bulletin this morning#about how theyre like ... blanket banned from this site ...... even though were in a fucking field all day and its dull as hell#but that aside like the site leader im with takes the 'i dont give a fuck but dont get me in trouble' stance#and in fairness i wasnt the only one mine were just more obvious lol#but i also KNOW he's one of a select group of petty gossipmongerers#the guy is usually pretty cordial and was nice for the rest of the day#like functionally i still did my job and went beyond by forwarding missing information after work#so whoever has to finish my paperwork can do it easily without manually flipping through everything#it was an accident ;____; i just had noise in because my brain was being a dick this week#'i dont care if people like me' i say .. sniffling ...#the only reason this is a problem is because our primary contractor sucks lmao#theyve got profession & site wide rules and this one is because yes its dangerous to work in close proximity with plant with headphones#are we anywhere near plant ??? no. is everyone single earbudding this just in case of an emergency???? yes.#do we spend all day in a field alone a lot of the time in miserable ass conditions ??? yes!!#are we that dumper driver who drove OVER someones truck because they were blasting metal into their skulls??? NO.#and aside aside from that he did say to one of the guys he likes most 'if they cant then you cant' and made him take his out#so like ... i think im fine im just kfjskfj#anyway im fine im just embarrassed and stressed#rory's ramblings
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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