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asmolemmeeatyouout · 4 years

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The boys with Autistic! MC! part two ! SFW

(Bc I’m self indulgent and like 5 ppl wanted it so yesyesyes)

(Had my first proper spoonie day in a while today so imma finish this after what 4 months? Whoopsie. Sorry if any of the points overlap I’ve not re read my last post, please shoot me an ask if you want anything clarified/expanded on !)

Lucifer:

Has to stop his brothers from constantly bothering you when you’re overwhelmed (they’re just worried)

You very quickly learn his office is the safest place to be when overwhelmed due to the dim lighting and the brother deterring curse on his doorway

He has a record player and SO much classical music for when you need background noise

This leads to impromptu slow dancing when you insist he needs a break and there’s music playing

If you have your own records, the *smoother ones will end up mixed in with his

*smoother as in less staccato /distracting because he is most likely working

Very much enjoys spending time in silence with you, he finds it comfortng to just exist with someone without having anything needed of him

Especially if you’re both doing your own thing, like you just being in the room with him (playing a game or reading or smthn) while he does his paperwork is so soothing to him

Mammon:

Have you seen his horns? They’re so smooth and shinyyy, a+++ stimming material

He loves head pats so he’ll willingly put his head in your lap when you watch movies

he’s very proud of his demon form but also kind of shy so it’ll take some coaxing to get him to let you touch his horns but when he sees how content it makes you? It’s his new favourite hobby letting you play with his hair and horns during movies

(That said they’re very sensitive (like him) so be gentle)

He WILL adopt your love language and mannerisms:

if you bump people he will start knocking into you constantly, (wrists, hips, shoulders, head, any and all on random repeat)

if you like to collect and give things to people he will a. Hoard them in a little shrine (that he Denys. having) and b. Start looking for things he can give you back

If you rub textures you like you’ll find him stroking your arms/face/jumper right back (sometimes with his face, but only ever in private because he feels vulnerable using such a soft form of affection)

Levithian:

You cannot tell me this man isn’t autistic

Communication is SO! EASY!

Then even If you don’t understand you can just ask. You can just ask and he’ll tell you. None of this ‘figure it out yourself’ nt bullshit

Our baby has anxiety anyway so he’s probably ‘over’ explained it before you can say anything

(Over explained in the sense of nt, personally I love it when ppl get really detailed)

In that case he gets embarrassed about how much he’s talking so it’s your turn to reassure him that he’s not boring you

The solace you get in realising you like all of his autistic traits soothes your own insecurities

That being said your anxiety (if you have it) is matchy matchy so don’t expect him to talk to the cashier for you

He’s very chill with you being non verbal because either he’s absorbed in his own game/anime/show or it means there’s more room for him to talk about his interests

That being said if your special interests/ hyperfixations don’t line up on any given day? The bickering over who’s turn it is to infodump gets intense (this is the one source of all your arguments)

All the other brothers are kind of terrified/jealous of your relationship, especially when they see you talking about a shared special interest because you talk rapid fire and very in-depth. to them it’s almost like you’re talking in code or another language because they know all the individual words but what the everloving fuck are you on about

Asmodeus:

Has specific outfits he wears when he wants you to hug him (which is always). They’re made out of the softest material, or any clothing of his you’ve expressed a texture interest in.

Finds it so amusing when you come rushing over to rub your face against his chest bc mmmmm softsoftsoft

Likes to text you in the morning to see how you’re feeling (and how sensory sensitive you are because god forbid his outfit with chains and jangles stops him from seeing you)

Understands better than Anyone that affection and love can be shown in a whole barrage of ways not just physically

Figures out how you show affection faster than any of the other brothers

Immediately starts reciprocating it (partly bc he’s selfishly trying to make you love him most)

Satan:

Will learn about your special interests so he can engage you on the topic

Is the ONLY person in the house you can talk about any special interest with, no matter how niche because he loves learning (although he does prefer the *academic* side of them rather than pop culture but he will listen to both)

*academic* as in something involving learning about something or crafting or *how* to do something, not just like, maths

You’re pretty much the only person who can keep up with him in terms of knowledge and enthusiasm (even if it’s only for very specific things) and thus you become the person he talks to about his interests

Originally kind of annoyed by how absentminded you are (because you forget several dates) but once you get settled into a routine he starts to find it cute how habitual you are, and then realises it could work to his advantage.

He then schedules a date into your weekly routine (or biweekly depending on your energy levels) so you start to get upset if it’s missed bc it’s part of your routine. (Satan is ridiculously smart and is very much willing to manipulate your routine to his (and yours) advantage, he is a demon after all)

Beelzebub:

Gives the best squishes. He’s just so big he can literally envelope you (in other news he is terrified of hurting you so he’s very nervous at first, he’s used to huggin ppl very gently bc he is a muscle mountain)

Maybe don’t use chew stims around him (unless he’s eating) because seeing you use them will either make him hungry, or he’ll ask to see it and oops it’s been swallowed hope you didn’t want that back (he’s very apologetic he really didn’t mean to but it was in his mouth and chewed before he could think)

Literally the kindest man in the universe, if you have issues with shame or *guilt* (especially if it creeps outta nowhere or it relates to not being able to do something) he will a. Reassure you and give you cuddles until you feel okay (or one on one bonding time if you’re too touch sensitive) then b. Go help with whatever task was too much so you don’t have to worry

Belphagor:

Have I mentioned the stuffies? This boy definitely has a stash of soft toys that all have names and personalities. This originally stemmed from the fact he was locked alone in an attic for a year, he needed some form of company or he was gonna go crazy, and sleeping alone is meh in his opinion. But then he became attached and after you showed him yours? And you weren’t ashamed of your teddy bears or how much you loved them he confided in you about his. (And you had a tea party)

Problems sleeping ? (Me too bud it’s 3.44 am lol) nonononno baby boy has got you, just snuggle up to him and you’ll be snoozing in no time (I HC that being around belphagor just makes you a little sleepy and the longer you’re there the stronger the urge to sleep gets)

You’re at rad (or out in public and can’t leave) and get overstimmed? Belphie has got you! He keeps sunglasses on him so he can secretly sleep when he’s not supposed to. Also (imo) he’s the king of hoodies, both his main outfits have a hood (and you can’t convince me he doesn’t wear one of them over his uniform as soon as lucifer dips), my boy will slip his hoodie on you and wrap you in a hug to get you away from the noise/sights

(I am now too tired to write anymore, hope yall enjoyed!)

#obey me #obey me hcs #obey me autistic mc #autistic mc #mammon hc #belphagor hc #lucifer hc #asmodeus hc #satan HC #beelezebub hc #leviathan hc

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hellpuppy-king · 4 years

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Autistic Amity hcs

special shout-out to @translvz and @theamericanstookmyshoes for listening to me rambling and encourage me to post this

-Amity gets a fidget spinner (Luz brought it from the human realm) and it does wonders for when amity is feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

-Amity fidget a lot! with her hands, with the cape thing of her uniform/ sleeve, it helps her keep ground. She's most likely very self-conscious about it because ppl have told her to stop fidgeting

-Amity carries the books close to her chest as a discrete way to do raptor hands

-Amity rehearse conversation with the abomination, cause sometimes you gotta have the script of what you gonna say

-On that note, the abomination has been taught commands to keep Amity safe and push people away when they're invading her personal space or they are just too close and it makes her uncomfortable

-I want to think there's a spell to cancel noise, so when things are too loud she cast the spell

-Amity rocks herself while she is sitting at class, she does it unconsciously, when class is too boring and she needs to move or she won't focus OR when is a class she enjoys a lot

-I feel she often forget to stim which makes her feel drained/grumpy, so she sets reminders to stim. (Luz joins as well so you'd have them flapping hands or moving their arms excitedly/bouncing their leg/ slapping their knees/ tapping their legs)

-Also she probably pace a lot!! Especially when she's talking to the abomination, and /or trying to organize her thoughts.

-Amity being non-binary and autistic makes a lot of sense because gender is like 10x even more confusing that how it already is

-Also i feel she stims by touching her undercut, cause the short hair feels nice (and maybe luz let her touch their hair as well cause amity likes the texture)

-Probably not often but when overstimulated, Amity goes non-verbal.

-Luz get her an emotion necklace so its easier for Amity to express if she feels like talking or if not.

-Amity probably have a very hard time understanding her emotions, so somewhere she have an emotion wheel that helps understand how she's feeling

-I feel luz is quick on catching when Amity's social battery is draining, so she makes sure Amity takes time to recharge and give her space

-Also after luz showed her human music, i feel amity would have one song she can listen in repeat for days and never get tired of it

-Amity doesn't understand (or have a hard time understanding) memes or slang (wilw show it) but also she uses words she doesn't understand at all, but everyone else say them, so she say stuff like 'lol/ vibe check/ simp' on contexts where those words doesn't fit

-Amity does echolalia!!( Probably only with willow and luz) isn't often though, but when she needs more time to process something or doesn't have a response to agree with what they say, she repeat their words

-She most definitely have forgotten to eat cause she gets too focused on her SpIn

-She's a very sensitive kid, and doesn't like when people mock or make fun of the things she likes, hence why she have a secret spot on the library where she can be herself

-Amity overanalyze social interactions/ conversations cause she fears she said something odd and gets anxious about it

-King works a bit like service dog for her (i feel her parents wouldn't let her have a pet) so king sometimes sneak at school and accompany amity by being carried on the hood of the cape thingy or being on her shoulders. The weight helps her be grounded especially on days where she struggles with sensory overload. But also king let her pet him and is probably good at comfort

-Amity needs clear instructions, vague doesn't work for her if you tell her"see you later" shed thing "later when? In 1hr? 30 mins? Where I'd see you?"

-Amity have sensory issues with certain kind of food, and that's okay bc luz knows and always ask Amity for the food she doesn't want

-Luz gets Amity an Azura stuffie with a lavender scents pad (yk for anxiety ) so Amity can hug her. She probably bring it too school on bad days

-Amity have a chew necklace!! (I like to think is the gem stone thing, but i also like to think luz get her an owl chew necklace)

-sometimes Amity have too many thoughts/ things to do and gets too overwhelmed and do nothing

#autistic amity #amity blight #luz noceda #nd lumity #cause of the hcs that include luz who have adhd #toh hc #toh #gabo.txt

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transhoverfish · 4 years

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What are everyone's "abilities" in Survivors? Ryley has good hearing and Milo glows but what do the others have?

!!! YOU HAVE ASKED ME ABOUT MY AU !!! THE FLOODGATES OF YELLING HAVE OPENED!!

OK SO. as u mentioned ryley has good hearing and milo glows. basically,

ryley = good hearing

milo = glowy boy

emily = electric detection (cooler than i describe rn my vocabulary is small)

danby = like emily's but reverse. controls electromagnetic things

roman = night vision

jochi = the most superpower like one, he got quick regeneration.

avery = telepathy!

bart = also kind of telepathy but more like future telepathy. he has future vision.

and i. never thought of one for ozzy actually and at this point i have no idea what to give them that wouldn't have been brought up prior so. u know genetics are weird! they just dont have anything ig. nobody look at me LABDKABDLABD

AND ALSO paul and marg have powers! paul got that peeper enzyme carrier thing, and marg got the very funny power of feeling others emotions. yes that includes the fish. yes this is one of the primary reasons she didnt kill paul over a decade of dealing w him. yes she hates it.

and the vesper haven't been sick long enough to develop anything! or at least thats what im going with bc i havent thought of anything for them yet 😔

AND NOW: LONGER EXPLANATIONS. IM GONNA GET CARRIED AWAY SO ITS UNDER A READ-MORE.

first off on the list: bart! so bart.. kinda has futuristic visions?? but the things he sees are not set in the stone,, as in if he dreams about smth (a lot like ryley can!) it is possible to change those events! most of these visions/telepathy type stuff were bc of the emperor and warpers, and also al-an! once the sea emp died and the warpers all calmed down his powers kind of go away a bit. i think i wrote al-an sort of mentioning it in one chap of awa?? but its only kind of implied. so he has rlly similar powers to avery except he can't tell what others are thinking and he can only kind of tell how his closest friends r feeling. so right now bart pretty much doesn't have powers! he can communicate w the warpers and sea emps much easier than the others tho (he's the only one that can talk to warpers! im not sure he'd get along w them after being hunted down by them for like 12 years though KABDLSBRLSHD)

avery has telepathy! this is because when he first shows up he jokes about having telepathy and i was like "haha. WAIT." and then he got telepathy! i realize its a bad idea to not come up with their powers until as im writing but uhhh well. i never said i was a fantastic writer who's smart. KANROSHROSBF.

he also kind of had marg's empathy ability but wayyy dialed back. he can only tell how other humans are feeling and he can only vaguely understand it as opposed to feeling the emotions himself like marg does. so he can kind of tell how others are feeling and he can tell what theyre thinking about! unless of course for plot convince he can't. strong emotions, especially strong negative emotions (ie. fear) can overwhelm him and makes his powers stop working. and if someone is convinced they're right then he wont b able to tell they're lying/hiding something! yay plot convenience!!

roman has night vision. i have no way of making this sound cool he just straight up can see really well in the dark. like a cat. most of the powers were based off where they originally landed and what would help them in that area! and roman landed in the sparse reef, which is so dark all the time i cry thinking about it. so he has night vision! his poor eyesight is probably all kinds of fucked up now tho.

jochi has regeneration abilities! now i know this might sound a bit much but he just heals from cuts and stuff faster and like. he bones heal fast. and he's more likely to survive smth that might usually kill someone, but its like a 10% higher chance of living nothing too much. he doesn't rlly get scars as much as the others, and its healed his old ones a bit more! this is by far the most unrealistic power of them all, but ya know its alien fish planet game who cares. basically bc his life support systems failed his spine got all fucked up and he got infected faster bc he was barely alive for the first few days and spent a lot of time w bart who was looking after him. power helped fix his back, but he still has a rlly bad limp and pretty much constant pain. big mood there khasar 😔✊

emily can detect electromagnetic waves! works best underwater. kind of like ryley's, but instead of hearing noises she can only hear anything electric, like vehicles or ampeels or heartbeats. gets all fucked up during thunderstorms though sadly. she's the only other one that can kind of hear warpers and can tell when ones about to warp around but she cant actually talk back to them. pretty sick if u ask me tho.

danby has p similar powers to her bc ampeels also spawn in the bulb zone. except he can sense them at a much smaller distance, cant hear warpers, and can control the waves around him! mostly just his own tho. so like, he can quiet his heartbeat or make it stop all together. scary power that he does not know how to control. uh oh. but he can also control other creatures a bit! he's very good at hiding bc of this, which is nice bc he loves to hide from scary things. very big mood once again.

milo is glowing powers! looks a lot like the transparency of a ghost levi or a crabsquid, although he isn't as see through as them. you can def make out like veins but not bones or organs. his powers are activated by touch, the more force behind will create more glow and more transparency! a poke = goes away within a few seconds, a slap = stays for a minute or so. instead of bruises, he just glows until the bruise would normally go away. he's basically a living glowstick. i have another joke for this but i cannot physically convince myself to type it bc its some shit emily would say to him and i cannot embarrass him like that LABDLABDKABAKD

andd ryley's super hearing! can hear basically everything within a mile radius at all times. im bad at math and i don't know the metric system but i think that's like around 1k meters. wait does the metric system use mile already. no. ONCE AGAIN NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.

OK ANYWAYS back on track! this means he can hear about half of the crater at all times. he's gotten p good at blocking out background noise and anything far away. typically only hears everything within like 300 meters of himself. so when he does get back to just hearing everything its like. u ever take out headphones in a busy place and everything kinda hurts for a few seconds bc its so much noise. yeah like that but 500x worse. he's able to concentrate on specific areas within this 1 mile field but if its far away it fucks him up good for a lil while. sorry ryley :(

and then the other two degasi! as mentioned before, paul can carry enzyme like the peepers, but he also can kind of make some himself! only small amounts and it works a bit less than the peeper enzyme does. he does not have to cough it up though thankfully it just like. idk how to describe this idea it can just kind of leave through his skin?? he has like no control over his power at all it just kind does its own thing and he deals w it. this is primarily how he and marg survive for so long w/o dying to kharra!

and finally marguerit! highly empathetic abilities that allow her to feel the emotions of anything around her! i thought it would be funny as hell to give MARGUERIT of all ppl Big Emotion Disease. this is a big reason why she has had yet to murder paul and why she's a lot less murderer like in the au. its hard to kill someone if you. you know. can feel exactly what they are. probably the reason she adopted Dog Bart/Legally Preston Emotionally Not. saw sad puppy and felt too bad to leave him. like paul, she has basically no control over it and is one of the reasons she does NOT want to go back to the survivors base and be around so many other ppl, she'd be feeling like, 13 ppl's emotions at one time. all these powers have fucked up drawbacks dont they??

once again sam, robin, jeff, maxim, and ozzy are (for now at least) not gonna have any powers! mutations are weird and ozzy just didn't get anything, and the vesper haven't been sick long enough for any yet!

OK THATS ALL. HOLY SHIT SORRY FOR YELLING FOR 15 MINUTES. GOT CARRIED AWAY. hopefully that explains everything tho OABEOABROANRJS OK BYE MY PHONE IS ALMOST DEAD

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itsdetachable · 4 years

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This new yorker article pisses me off. In writing about her own quilt towards what happened to the dog (spoiler warning - his behavior was so unpredictable and violent that he ended up being PTS) she paints a picture of a generally ok dog with some minor issues and not a dog that was, most likely, abused to the point of developing a massive - “bite at any sign of fear” reaction towards humans. He bit her! He bit other people! She had to stop inviting ppl over because she didn’t know if he’d bite them or not! He literally bit a man who was working on the street because the man used a metal bar to make a sharp noise - this dog bit a stranger in the back because he was startled.

She actually had to give Jack the dog away to another foster because he attacked her (she was overwhelmed with anxiety about a trip they were going to take for thanksgiving and Jack, feeding off that anxiety, went batshit on her, biting her on the hands and feet and legs).

And I get feeling guilt and helplessness and I get the sense of loss that comes with knowing that an animal you’ve tried to help ended up being PTS bc of factors that really are outside of your control.

But ending the article like this?

I have pictured Jack’s final moments many times. They were almost certainly desperate and combative. Much later, I got to talk to the girl who took over from me. “Was he scared?” I asked her. “Did he struggle?” “Yes,” she said, “and yes, a lot.” He was struggling too much for them to allow her into the room. I can see him now, snarling, his eyes blank, ferocious, his lips curled back, mouth open wide enough to bare his teeth, to snap at the hands grabbing him, adding to the sum total of the experiences closing in on him. This time, his response was correct. He was in danger. His last snatches of perception as the world slid out of his focus: the interior of a windowless exam room, a stab of pain—all of it intolerable, all of it confirming his worst suspicions about human intention toward him.

I understand, yes Jack was fearful in that moment and yes it was probably all the things he feared that were coming in at him at that moment in time - but present euthanasia, any time, as something bad or wrong leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And especially so with an unpredictably aggressive dog - one who you couldn’t be counted on to give a warning because he’d been abused to the point where he no longer gave warnings, no growls, nothing, just bit because that’s all he knew.

There are a lot of dogs like Jack out there, and there are far, FAR too few people who have the experience, knowledge, and time to make the effort to rehabilitate them. And then there are these types of dogs that, unfortunately, cannot be rehabilitated and the choice is between the dog causing themselves or others harm at unpredictable moments many-many times over the course of their life, being hit by fear and anxiety so hard that it reduces them to snarling and whimpering in a corner, or euthanizing them to give them some peace.

#animal welfare #euthanasia #pet euthanasia

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

#one day i will learn to stfu. not today tho❤️#long post #anon

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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Do you have any hcs for Magnus taking ppl to pride for the first time? I kinda feel like he’d act as a guide for others, making sure everyone feels safe and happy during their first time. Like, I can picture him bringing daylighter Raphael out for the first time, showing Meliorn around (bc even though they’ve been around for a while, the Seelies don’t really do human stuff) and holding Alec’s hand while he looks around in amazement.

well surprise surprise this got very long. bet y’all never saw that coming

ok so i particularly love this ask because like, the idea of meliorn going to pride for the first time is a riot and i adore it

like seelie society has developed completely independently from mundane society in every way, hell, it existed before humans did. so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that their culture even has the concepts of gender of sexuality, and believing that it would be the same as modern western ones is just straight up anachronistic tbh

so like personally i hc that seelie society has no gender (and therefore no concept of sexuality in the way that we see it), so the idea of pride- doesn't even make sense to them, cuz there's no concept of these identities, much less a history of oppression that would bring forward the need to celebrate their resistance like there currently is

so meliorn would want to go just to like, see what that's like and what's it all about. and the whole time they're just following Magnus around and like, taking notes. hm, interesting, what is this trans thing again? ah yes, people who dont think their personality matches the one mundanes believe would be brought by their genitals. hm. fascinating. and Magnus is just like, laughing loudly and it's the best pride he's ever been to, because he knows how ridiculous queerphobia and cishetnormativity are, but meliorn can make that so clear in their words in a way thats just, like, fantastic to hear, you know? and they dont even mean to, but it's great all the same

plus meliorn actually does feel good because a lot of people look at them and smile broadly or even wave, especially younger people who are just like, in awe of them and Magnus, who are so unapologetically gnc and indisputably beautiful, and looking at them is just like, inspiring, you know? and Meliorn has never felt this admired and appreciated and they dont even fully understand why, they're just walking around in their usual clothing and leaf makeup and everyone is just like, in love with them. and it's nice. they can tell there's an edge of sadness to the whole thing, like how their normal everyday existence seems to be so shocking and refreshing for these people, but mostly they feel good about it

later they bring their findings to the other seelies - you know, the ones who dont usually leave the realm and are way less familiar with mundane culture(s) than they are - and the others are like. shut up. there's no way this is real. the shape of their genital defines what wavelength they are supposed to find appealing? this makes no sense. and meliorn's like "idk what to tell u buddy i literally physically can't lie" and they're like surely this is an elaborate prank

but anyway it's fun and nice and they enjoy it greatly and ask Magnus a lot of questions, and Magnus loves going with them more than anyone else because its just so fun and the way this is completely unnatural to them feels refreshing - Magnus doesnt have to explain why he feels the way he feels, for once, but rather he has to explain why people dont get that, and thats a good change tbh

okay onto other ppl im sorry for this tangent djdndjdndk RAPHAEL YES. god i just. okay i love the mental image of Magnus taking Raphael to pride aaaaaaaa

like okay first of all so many layeRS to make this emotional, okay. the fact that he's now a daylighter and can enjoy being out in the sun, the fact that this is a bright costumed parade and it kinda reminds him of the día de los muertos parade and makes him feel at home, the fact that he gets to celebrate and meet other ace ppl - just, so many good things going on here dundidmdi

and Raphael was kinda unsure about going because 1- pride can get pretty sexual at times, and while he gets it and doesn't mind other people's business, he doesn't want to be hit on or participate in that; 2- big crowd makes senses go craycray and it can get very overwhelming and he's scared of overload, plus it's just not his scene in general with huge parties and such. but a part of him does want to go and he's torn, so of course Magnus is immediately like "oh dear, don't worry, i can take you, i'll make sure it's good" and Raphael is like okay

so Magnus takes him and it's :') nice, because as always he’s just so attentive. disclosure i’ve only ever been to the São Paulo pride so i’m gonna go with how it works in here but im assuming it’s not that different in like, other places. also São Paulo currently has the biggest pride parade in the world along with NYC so you know, i think it’s influential at the very least

anyway so he finds a section that’s led by ace pride groups, one that’s considerably small (in number of ppl) and spacious, and it’s. nice. very nice. magnus makes it a point to paint the ace pride colors on raphael’s face (we deserve raphael in makeup tbh) and raphael is all like “it’s fine, it’s not like i’ll want to draw a lot of attention” (like he isn’t wearing the ace flag colors already) and magnus is like hush, let me have this, i want my boy to have a good pride experience. so raphael lets him and hides his smile and lets him, and it’s. cute okay

also idk why but i have the mental image of raphael seeing some other latino guy with some sign like. “i’m not your fetish” or something of the sort, and kind of tearing up because his whole life he’s been seen as this kind of sexual fantasy that couldn’t not be about sex, much less not be interested in it, and he feels seen. and it’s nice, okay

and as promised it’s not too overwhelming in matters of like people, tactile issues and such (there’s little magnus can do about the noise other than spell raphael to decrease his sensitivity so he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is not ideal because it makes communication a bit harder between them, but he does it anyway if raphael asks him to), and if raphael gets tired, they can always turn into a corner and take a portal back home and cuddle the post-crowd jitteriness away. so it’s a success. and raphael hugs magnus later and thanks him and says that it was so great, that he’s missed this, the energy and the colors and the sun, and he never thought he’d get to have it again, and he did thanks to magnus. and magnus hugs him back and tells him “anything for you, my boy,” and it’s the sweetest thing okay im emo

also okay this still falls under Raphael and Meliorn but the POLYCULE okay, or at least saiaphaeliorn. like sign me the fuck up for the 4 of them together at pride, meliorn and magnus helping make some cute pride-themed makeup on the other 3, just aaaaaaaaa. maia looking absolutely gorgeous with her face framed in the bright bi colors, maybe a sunny dress with the trans flag colors? just because i think she’d look so cute in like, a mostly white dress with baby pink and blue details, okay. simon just paints the pan flag on his cheek but it’s still vibrant and cute and it suits him. and ghhghghghg meliorn delicately painting raphael’s face with colorful glitter..... effervescent, okay. just beautiful

and they get to hold hands in public and laugh and crack jokes and simon loves the music and the festival and raphael smiles fondly at him and maia singing along (him and meliorn definitely don’t know what the fuck they’re singing, but it’s okay because they’re clearly happy and that makes the two of them happy too) and just duahsdiahdaiuha soft okay. also they all get to experience meliorn’s takes on the whole thing and it’s fantastic and as usual meliorn gets raphael to laugh until he almost cries, and simon smiles brightly at the sight and gives meliorn a peck for their efforts, and just aaaaaaaa

in short they’re SOFT and i’m SOFT. and look yes i know that usually parades esp big ones are super crowded (lord knows the SP pride parade is an experience) but if in SP with 5 million ppl parading i could find sections with less people where you had enough space to walk holding hands and hear each other and not be overwhelmed, then i’m sure they can too, especially with magic and powers at their disposal. so i’m going to have this

also like. as much fun as this is for magnus (and it definitely is, it’s very nice to get to enjoy to be himself openly, and to bring kids there for their first time, and you know), it’s also bittersweet because like. he was there at stonewall, he was there for the first pride, you know? and apart from the obvious part where he lost so many friends who were there, there’s just. the very bad memories of the riots, because as important as they are and as much as he obviously doesn’t regret them, riots are hard, they are the language of the oppressed. he’s had to magically protect people from being shot by the police, he’s had to withstand trial by the Clave for using magic to shield the people from the tear gas and risking being seen, he’s had to save a lot of lives and he’s failed at it sometimes, too (i’ll always hc that he’s the reason neither Marsha nor Sylvia died during the riots and you can pry that away from my cold, dead hands). and he’s also seen it be whitewashed and lose some of its resistance and meaning, he’s seen Sylvia be booed at a later march when she spoke against imprisonment, and he’s seen so much be lost

and in that sense going to pride with alec later on might be his favorite, because it’s not like, a first time where he’s trying to get everyone to have the most fun they can and shit, you know? plus alec loves watching more than he does participating, he feels way too exposed in the crowded streets with so many openings and whatnot. but watching from a rooftop, where he has the best view, can still hear the sounds and enjoy the colors and the beauty of it from a distance? that’s perfect for him, and it’s a different experience

and magnus sits by his side as they watch, hand in hand, and reminisces about everything that he’s experienced after so many years, all the changes he’s seen, how he feels pride but he also feels loss and he feels old, and he fears what happens if pride’s history is forgotten, you know? and alec listens to him, listens to his version of this story, playing with magnus’ fingers and just enjoying the sound of his voice and the sight. and it’s nice. alec is always super attentive and enjoys hearing him talk and magnus can get lost in his memories unapologetically, you know? and it’s good

but that’s later on, of course, when they’ve already attended plenty together. for alec’s first pride he probably wants it to be like, perfect, so much so that alec has to tell him to slow down again, because of course magnus wants alec to have The Full Pride Experience, but alec would rather soak it up slowly than participate in a lot of stuff, anyway. magnus paints the rainbow flag on his cheek (one of the only occasions alec lets magnus put glitter on him, then promptly complains for the next three months because i swear that stuff is still on my skin, magnus, the other day i found some on my shoes! and magnus laughs at his antics as always and alec is forced to laugh too and can’t even be mad) and they kind of stay more by the end, and alec is kind of smiling in disbelief to himself the whole time as he watches all the colors and the unapologetic way people express their pride, and magnus can’t stop looking at him and grinning, too. and they walk hand in hand and it’s cute

(later, magnus says, see, mundane culture isn’t so bad, is it? and alec looks at him with a way more serious look, full of joy and happiness, and says, no, it isn’t. and kisses him and thanks him for everything, and it’s sweet)

also I'm soft thinking about Magnus reminiscing about planning the first pride along with "his dear friend Brenda" to Alec and/or Raphael, them putting their arms around his shoulder as he tells them the softer stories, too, the good things they did

small bonus: Magnus plays 2 truths and a lie with Simon regarding his memories of past prides, and Simon gets it wrong every time and is all wide eyed by the end, which makes both Magnus and Raphael laugh :)

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #malec #The Polycule™#saiaphaeliorn #simon lewis #maia roberts #raphael santiago #meliorn #alec lightwood #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them

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horansqueen · 6 years

Text

BabyGirl 1.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.7k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ i would be SO SO SO happy to get feedback for this. please? ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 2 HERE

1.0 ♥ LIES & TIES ♥

HIM

The first time I met her, I noticed her. It was in the way she laughed, I think. That's what drew me to her first. Then, I noticed how clever and cheeky she was, but also how kind and generous she turned out to be. When I brought her outside to take her away from all the noise and music, it hit me how perfect her face looked through the moonlight, and how bad I wanted to kiss her. I made sure she was not panicking, and when our eyes met, I felt my heart twist. Maybe it was from all the beer I had swallowed, but I could swear it was from the way she actually looked at me: Intensely, like she was looking for answers of existential questions through my eyes.

I remember the way her cold hands on my cheeks made a shiver run through my back, and how her warm lips against mine made me want to take a cab and bring her home. I had never felt my heart beat harder than that, and I remember thinking that I finally knew what it meant to be in love.

We wanted to take things slow, but the problem was that we couldn't stay away from each other. The waiting and the time apart didn't excite us, it actually made us miserable. When we both admitted that to each other, and to ourselves, we decided to take things as they came. And they came fast. But I didnt even feel nauseous or scared of the quick pace. Rather, it made my heart swell with all the feelings I had for her.

That's why I was a bit annoyed when I came home one day and she started asking me all these questions about our future and what I expected from this relationship. I was in a bad mood, just a bunch of small inconveniences that poured on me through the day, and rehearsing had been a pain in the ass. I didn't want to fight, but I also didn't want to sit down and talk about this.

I wanted a shower, a good fuck, and to watch the golf channel. But there she was, with her impossible questions and her crazy suspicions. Did I want kids with her? Why would she even ask that, at that very moment? I couldn't lie, we had talked about it a few times, late at night, in the darkness of my bedroom, but it was different than almost pressuring me into it, as if she wanted to start a family with me in the next hours.

We fought, and after telling her I could find an other girl, she stormed out. I couldn't blame her. I knew she was self-conscious, for no real reason in my opinion, and I twisted the knife deeper in the wound. I regretted my words as soon as they escaped my lips but it was too late and somehow, I felt like she wanted to leave anyway.

It took me months to call her again, which was quite surprising, knowing how close we used to be, but after that fight, I started questioning my feelings and hers. Did we really love each other? Would we really last? What was I missing by being in a steady relationship with an older girl whom I barely saw since I was always on tour or working?

One night, after getting drunk with the boys, I spilled my heart out to her on text, and when I realized she wouldn't answer, I cried. I cried like a fucking baby who had lost his mom forever. I cried like I had lost the love of my life. I cried because I knew it was really over, and that if I had called her before, maybe she would still be in my life.

"Mate, stop, why are you even crying?"

I sniffed, sitting up in bed and turning to Louis, a sudden realization coming through me.

"You! You call her and talk to her for me! Louis, you do it!"

I was not sure those were the words I used, and I probably slurred them a bit more, but it's how it sounded to me. Louis looked at me, raising his nose up. He never liked to get into his friends' business and the fact that he knew both of us made it even worse.

"You're her best mate! Call her! Please!"

I was literally begging my bandmate, the guy who was like a brother to me, to call my girlfriend for me. The girl who wouldn't even answer my text messages.

"I'm not her best mate at all. We're just... friends." he shrugged. "And I ain't gonna play matchmaker for you two. You got into this together, then work it out."

I felt my eyes burn again from the tears and stared at him intensely. I couldn't believe he was being so harsh with me and he finally turned to look at me and rolled his eyes with a sigh.

"Okay you know what? You get a rest and we'll discuss it tomorrow." he let out, clearly annoyed. "If you still want me to talk to her, I'll fly back home and pay her a visit. Just because I also need to see my family, alright?"

When he came back from that trip, though, he didn't mention anything. I waited, and waited, but after the third show we had in a row, I confronted him. It took him forever to answer and he just closed his eyes with a sigh. There was something he didn't want to mention, and I suspected she already had a new boyfriend.

"Look, Niall..." he sighed for a second time. "Just know that she doesn't want you back, okay? She's moved on, so you should do the same."

I wanted to ask more, I wanted to find out why she didn't want to be around me anymore, and why her love for me left so fast, but I just watched Louis get up and leave. I got drunk again that night, but I didn't message her. I threw my phone in a trash bin as soon as I found one and never looked back.

Perhaps, we weren't meant to be. After all, I couldn't dwell on the past or expect anything more if she didn't want it too. It was useless, and I had to mend the pieces of my heart back together quickly. We only have one life to live and I was one of the luckiest persons in the world. That's what I had to focus on.

God, I didn't know I was in for a ride.

HER

I met Niall one day that had started like all the others, except maybe the fact that Louis, who also happened to be a close friend of mine, had insisted I was there for his birthday. It was a cold december night and soon, I had felt overwhelmed by all the people, the noise and the alcohol. It was Niall who talked to me first, asking me if I was okay, and making sure I was not panicking. It was Niall who brought me outside, talked me out of my paranoia and helped me breathe. It was Niall who bent down to meet my eyes, made my heart melt, made me fall in love with him. And when it started snowing, I felt like I was in some sort of romantic Christmas movie.

We took things slow, and then we took things fast. I was happy with him and even if he was super busy and barely home, we always found ways not to let our relationship die. There was one day though... One day when everything changed.

When he walked inside, I was waiting for him, but I didn't think my heart would jump so high. He wasn't smiling like he normally does, and I thought that perhaps, something bad had happened at rehearsal. It made me nervous. Nervous to the point of swallowing the lump in my throat every 15 seconds. Nervous to the point of being nauseous and have sweaty hands. Nervous to the point of feeling like my whole future was going to be decided in the next hour of my life. I tried to push the bad thoughts away but without much success. I knew by just looking at his face that it was a bad time to have a serious discussion. I knew it was going to turn wrong. Thinking about it again, I realized I probably unconsciously wanted to fight with him to make things easier for both of us. I didn't want to ruin his life, and that's really what I felt I was doing.

"Do you want kids?"

He stopped dead in his track as the door closed behind him and turned to me, his lips now parted Clearly, he had a bad day and wasn't in the mood for this, but here I was, asking him some random question about the future, as if we never talked about it before.

I was so often at his place that it felt like home, but for some odd reason, I kept my own apartment. He had asked me a few times to move in, which was quite surprising coming from him, but I always refused. I was dating a rich kid in a boyband, the chances of him finding someone prettier, thinner and just simply better was very high, and I wasn't even sure why he was interested in me. He would probably tell me I need to be more confident, but I was not sure it was really what it was about. I was definitely not the most confident person in the world, but being scared to lose someone like Niall was not really just a part of my imagination.

"I..." he stopped, his eyes roaming on my face, and i tried to remain motionless, sitting straight on his sofa.

I was trying to keep eye contact but it wasn't as easy as I thought. I wanted to analyze his every reaction, as if it would change anything from what was about to happen.

"I already told you I wanted them, but later, when i'll be, i don't know..." he explained, raising his shoulders, shaking his head. "In my thirties?"

I felt my heart twist in my chest and I swallowed my tears, glancing down before looking back up in his eyes. He stared at me, slightly annoyed, slightly impatient, and I licked my lips.

"And, do you want them... with me?"

This time, it's fear I could read on his face. He was young, famous and rich. I could understand that the thought of promising his girlfriend to have babies with her was something scary. I was scared too, more than he could ever think, but I was doing my best not to show it.

"We're young, you know." he just said with a shrug. "I don't know what the future holds for us."

I closed my eyes and breathed in and out slowly and deeply. I wanted to insist, I had to insist. Even if I knew there was a big chance it would turn into an argument.

"I know, but you still plan on it, right?" I added, getting up. "You love me, and you want to spend your life with me, don't you?"

His face twisted again. I was aware I was asking a twenty-year old boybander if he wanted to spend his life with me. I was not even sure if he actually loved me and from seeing the expression on his face, I could tell he wasn't sure either. I loved him, though. Deeply, truly, with my entire being, I was in love with him, but I didn't expect him to return the feeling. In fact, I didn't expect anything. I couldn't expect anything.

"Why exactly are we having this discussion again?" he asked with a sigh. "I'm not ready to start a family, and you're not either. I'm going on tour in a few weeks, and it's not like we can really plan it anytime soon."

I kept silent and swallowed, glancing down at his feet. He had taken his shoes off and for some odd reason, I was endeared by the way he let his foot rub gently against the carpet. I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted him to engulf me in one of his incredibly satisfying and comforting hugs, but that was not going to happen.

"Plan it?" I just asked in a whisper, not even sure he actually heard me.

"Come on, love, look at me."

I breathed in and finally moved my chin up, my eyes meeting his immediately. He seems confused and still annoyed, but he called me love, and it made my heart melt every single time.

"Why are we talking about this?" he just wondered with a shrug. "I've had a bad day and to be honest, i'm really not in the mood for this shit."

Something stirred inside me when he talked and I felt tears burn my eyes. I had to do something, or else, I was going to cry and tell him everything.

"Shit? Are you fucking serious now?"

My answer took him by surprise and he raised his eyebrows, taking a short step back. I swallowed again and shook my head, closing my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again.

"I'm older than you, Niall, and i've always wanted a family." I pointed out, trying to let anger take over and erase my sadness. "If you're not sure you want that, then there's no point in even keeping this up."

I grabbed my purse on the floor roughly and moved past him to reach the door. He quickly stopped me, blocking me with one of his arms, and I tried not to look at him, knowing too well It was the best way for me to crack.

"Woa, calm down ok! That's not what I said!"

"Okay but that's what I said." I answered, feeling my voice started to shake. "You don't want to discuss this seriously? Then I'm out."

Silence fell between us for a few seconds but he remained motionless.

"Now let me go."

Something clearly burst inside him because he moved his arm and suddenly got angrier than I've ever seen him.

"Yea? FINE THEN!" he swung both his arms exaggeratedly in the door's direction. "Just fucking leave! You think I'm gonna weep and cry? I can have ANYONE okay, ANYONE."

I deserved it. I deserved that outburst and I deserved his anger, but despite this fact, his words hurt me deeper than I could have imagined. He knew this was something that bothered me and made me insecure, and he used it against me. I felt myself tear up and turned to look at him. As soon as he saw my face, his expression changed into a guilty one and my eyes got smaller at the rage now invading my whole body and mind.

"Well good for you! You do that!" I expressed roughly, staring him. "You go get that fucking perfect girl and forget about me and all that we had! Who cares, right?"

I didn't want for his answer, I just rushed out. He could have ran after me but he didn't. I could have walked back in to tell him the truth but I didn't. I just drove home, sobbing the whole time of the ride, and walked into an empty apartment I hadn't seen in weeks. It was cold, sad, and most of all, it was Niall-less.

Out of pain, I threw my purse violently down, watching as its content scattered all over the wood floor. The only thing that actually reached my feet was a white stick. Watching it made me cry even more. I let myself fall on the cold floor and pressed my palms on my eyes. I didn't want all of this to happen. I didn't want to lose Niall. And thinking i'll never be close to him anymore makes me literally want to vomit. I pulled my hands away but I could barely see anything because of the tears. I reached for the stick and blinked a few times, trying to clear my eyes, and held my breath, looking at the pregnancy test I took only a few hours before.

Positive. The little plus sign seemed to get bigger and bigger as I stared at it, as if it was taunting me. I could almost hear it say "Hey, I just ruined your relationship! Now you're gonna have to raise that baby all alone!" But the truth was, I had ruined my own relationship. It was all me. I couldn't blame anyone else. The truth was, I knew it would ruin Niall's career, and I didn't want to lock him into a relationship and a situation he would feel miserable in. I didn't want to turn this talented and happy young man into a desperate and unhappy person, even if it would be despite myself.

That's why I never called him again, and that's why I didn't answer when he messaged me, a few months later. I knew he was on tour and I knew he sometimes got lonely in his hotel room, and it was definitely not a good reason to come back in his life. He was touring, he was happy, he was living his dream, and there was no way I was going to take that away from him. I would hate myself forever If i ever did that.

To my biggest surprise, it knocked on my door a few days after ignoring Niall's text messages, and I really didn't expect who was on the other side. I opened the door slowly, peeking out and my eyes got bigger when I saw Louis standing there. He looked tired but still amazing, and my lips curled at his sight. I didn't think twice and threw myself in his arms before he wrapped them around me. It only lasted a few seconds though and he quickly pulled away, his eyes falling on my growing stomach.

"Oh my... god."

I breathed in and my hand reached for my tummy, as if it could hide anything from my pregnancy.

"Is this... Is it...?"

"Louis, please come in, okay?"

I turned around and walked back inside, hearing him close the door behind us and I brought him to the nursery I had prepared. He stayed in the door frame, his eyes roaming on the pink walls, the stuffed animals, and the pure white drawers I had bought. It took him a whole minute to finally turn to me, his eyes dropping to my belly again.

"You have to tell Niall..."

"No!" I cut him straight and breathed in and out slowly. "And you can't tell him either."

"If it's his baby, he deserves to know..."

I raised my hand up, making him stop talking, and closed my eyes. I didn't expect Louis to be here, I didn't expect him to see me like this and discover my secret, but now that he had, I couldn't just let him leave and spill it all to Niall. I knew he would come back and try to work things out with me, and I couldn't let him ruin his tour and his life for me.

"Louis, you're my oldest friend." I argued, opening my eyes to meet his. "I've known you since I was a kid, and i'm begging you, in the name of our friendship, don't tell Niall. Please. He's happy, he's touring the world, he's doing what he likes... and I want that for him. I want him to keep doing that. I don't want to be the girl who forced him into a relationship and a family life."

Louis started at me for a while. He stared at me for so long that I thought he would never speak again. I tried to concentrate on my heart beating hard against my chest, hoping to get it back to a normal speed, but it's only when Louis nodded that a feeling of relief washed over me.

"Thank you."

He moved closer and stared at my belly again. I reached down and grabbed his hand, placing it on the side of it and when I felt the baby hit, my lips curled. His head raised up quickly and a surprised expression appeared on his face, making me chuckle.

"Fooking hell..."

This time, I laughed and he shook his head, leaving his hand on me.

"So this is real, you're gonna have Niall's baby."

My smile fell and his hand too. We looked up in each other's eyes with serious faces and I finally nodded.

"Most of all though, it's my baby." I explained. "And you need to promise me, Lou."

"What am I supposed to tell Niall? I told him i'd check on you and find out why you won't answer his messages."

I walked to the couch and sat on it. There was no real comfortable position and I gave up on trying to find one.

"He literally declared his love to me, you knew that? I mean, he's been ignoring me for months now. I can't be with someone who's there only when he wants to. I bet he was drunk and alone when he sent these texts?"

From Louis' expression, I knew I was right and I just shrugged.

"Just tell him I don't want anything to do with him anymore. He'll get over me, he'll find someone else. We both know it, right? He'll be happier this way."

Louis left and promised to call me from time to time. A few weeks later, I even received a large box full of goodies, from toys to diapers, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be friends with someone like him. I wanted him to be the godfather but I knew how unfair it would be to ask him to lie even more to a guy he considered his brother, so I didn't.

I thought it was all over. I thought i'd never see Niall again. I thought I was over him. Boy, I've never been more wrong in my entire life.

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan writing #niall horan story #niall fluff #niall story #niall writing #my fanfics

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sagemoderocklee · 6 years

Note

No keep talking Naruto, more so tell me headcanons of GaaLee in a Modern AU where they meet at like a party or something you beautiful soul

aw anon that’s so cute! thank you and i’d be happy to give you a modern AU setting--if you like high school AUs and haven’t checked out my fic, Find Me, you should! Just if you like modern AUs and all! :D i also have a short one shot that’s also a modern AU!

anyway, so I don’t really see Lee or Gaara as the sort of people who voluntarily go to parties. they’re the sort who get dragged to parties, sof if we were talking them meeting at a party, it would definitely be the sort of situation where they were both dragged there unwillingly--Gaara got dragged by either Kankurou or Naruto; Lee by either Tenten or Sakura and Ino.

it’s probably one of those things where everyone at the party is friends and knows everyone so Gaara feels even more out of place. Naruto like, immediately leaves Gaara because he got distracted by Sasuke or because he went to grab them drinks but Sai started making jabs at Naruto and so he got sucked into paying attention to Sai, leaving Gaara to find himself a quiet-ish corner to chill in and watch ppl.

Lee doesn’t mind the crowds but he’s not that close with everyone at the party and he doesn’t like crude jokes or drinking, so he generally tends to be uncomfortable once things get rambunctious which they do pretty quickly so he finds an excuse to step outside and get some air.

at this point gaara has found his way outside onto the balcony for fresh air and quiet when Lee finds his own way out onto the balcony.

i imagine lee would apologize for bothering gaara’s peace and quiet. like “oh gosh, I did not realise anyone was out here, excuse me.” like he probably thinks gaara was drinking out there, maybe waiting for someone else which like gaara is definitely annoyed and wishes naruto hadn’t just forgotten he’d dragged gaara to this thing he didn’t want to go to but he’s fairly certain at this point naruto’s had a few drinks and is probably crying about sasuke somewhere or making out with sai to make sasuke jealous

gaara’s like “it’s fine. i just wanted some fresh air.”

“it is very stuffy in there,” lee agrees laughing. “the smell of alcohol gives me a headache.”

“you don’t drink?”

lee emphatically shakes his head. no. absolutely not. it does... not agree with me.” he says this delicately because well how DO you explain to someone that when you drink you think everything is a fun sparring match??? and that maybe you watched one too many bruce lee and jackie chan movies as a kid?

“me neither.” gaara doesn’t like drinking because he doesn’t like to not be in control of his mind or body.

“did you come here by yourself?”

“no, a friend dragged me.”

lee laughs. “me too. but they are all drinking. I am usually the designated driver, so i do not mind coming along if it means my friends will get home safely, but i do not particularly like partying.”

they probably get quiet for a bit and lee’s starting to wonder if he should go inside, but now he’s kinda interested in talking to this very attractive person so he fishes around for something to say.

“who did you come with?”

“naruto.”

lee knows naruto so of course he gets excited by this. “oh! i know him! he and i went to school together. actually, most of the people i know here went to school with us.”

“he’d mentioned something like that.”

“i am rock lee, by the way.” lee offers his hand to shake gaara’s. gaara kind of looks at lee’s hand like ??? before he decides to take it.

“gaara”

‘that is a really interesting name!”

gaara hums noncommittally before going quiet again.

“well i do not want to bother you,” lee finally says because he feels like now he’s being annoying and maybe overstayed his welcome.

“you’re not,” gaara tells him before lee can disappear. gaara knows he’s not great at making new friends or just talking to new people in general. temari’s always trying to help him but he feels like he’s kind of hopeless. still it’s worth a shot. lee’s nice and he’s not drinking or acting like a dumb 20 year old the way everyone inside is. which he supposes is fine given that it’s a party but it’s just not what he likes.

lee, of course, smiles his usual bright lovely smile because he’s really quite glad that he’s not bothering gaara. “oh, good. I was worried i was being intrusive.”

gaara snorts. “hardly. that is intrusive,” he says gesturing towards the party. “but it’s a party so i suppose i cant complain.”

lee laughs. “well if you did not want to come i can understand your complaints.”

“naruto’s probably forgotten i’m even here.”

“i am sure he did no such thing! he is very popular though, so it is easy for him to get caught up in the excitement. plus, I think I saw Sasuke-kun earlier--that is sure to keep him distracted.”

gaara can’t help but smile. “sasuke has a way of distracting him. what about your friends?”

“oh, sakura-san and ino-san are dancing. once they have a few drinks, sakura-san always gets a bit... emotional. but ino-san is taking good care of her. if they need me they will come find me.”

“i hope they don’t need you,” gaara says because it’s the first thing that pops into his head. he doesn’t usually enjoy himself at parties or in big crowds, and whenever he goes someplace with naruto or kankurou they’re always the life of the party and get dragged away leaving him by himself. it’s nice to actually have someone to talk to and distract him from all the overwhelming noise, someone who’s actually not that hard to talk to, if he’s being honest. he’s still not good at it. but he’s at least comfortable right now. he feels immediately as though a spotlight is shining on his face, and lee’s eyes go somehow wider than they naturally are.

lee is also blushing.

gaara may be blushing too.

and now neither of them know what to say because gaara has definitely put his foot in his mouth. did that come out wrong? why is talking to people so hard?

“i... i would not mind if they did not need me,” lee finally manages, feeling just a bit bold. “in fact, they both have my number, so if they need me they can call, but uh, since we both do not like parties, would you... like to go somewhere else? until it is over? we could... get something to eat? my treat, of course!”

gaara isn’t good with things like flirting and dating. he usually doesn’t pick up on the subtlety of flirting and no one’s ever actually asked him out before--well, not counting that one time his freshman year of high school when a girl gave him a letter and he accidentally made her cry because he is very very bad at this sort of thing.

but he thinks lee is asking him out and he does like lee’s smile, so he says yes. what’s he got to lose? lee seems nice and genuine. the sort of person he could be friends with even if it’s not a date. the fact that gaara hopes lee’s asking him out on a date takes him completely by surprise of course because he’s never really noticed someone so immediately. but he supposes there’s a first time for everything.

they do go out to eat at a nearby restaurant, and they have a really good time. lee’s incredibly sweet and polite and he’s genuine and fun and his flirting is actually quite obvious because he blushes each and every time he says something flirty and when gaara returns the favor he blushes even more and smiles so much his cheeks are probably aching which makes gaara smile too. lee pays for gaara’s food and doesn’t even complain when gaara orders more than most people might which may have something to do with the fact that lee seems to have an appetite just as large as his.

just as they’re leaving and lee’s offering to walk gaara home, gaara’s phone goes off. a drunk naruto slurs into his ear “gaaraaaa where are you?”

gaara has to fight not to roll his eyes as he explains and naruto seems to be relieved because apparently he’s going home with sasuke. naruto may make some crude remarks about gaara ‘getting it’ before he hangs up. lee is beat red so he definitely could hear naruto’s rather loud slurring.

“is naruto-kun okay?” lee squeaks, ever the proprietary person gaara is quickly learning him to be.

“i’d say he’s better than okay. have your friends contacted you?”

“oh, yes, i texted them just before we left. ino-san said she is sober enough to get her and sakura-san a lyft home so I should not worry. she assured me she would text me once they arrived home safely.”

gaara smiles. “good. i’d like the company on the walk home.”

lee walks gaara home, and maybe they walk a little closer together than two people who just met might normally walk, but gaara’s quite pleased by it and if when lee says goodnight and doesn’t kiss him he’s disappointed, well he reasons there will be other chances. he gives lee his number and lee’s promised to call soon. gaara tells lee to text him when he gets home safely which lee of course does. he also calls gaara the next day because ‘soon’ to lee means ‘right away after we have both gotten some sleep and at a reasonable hour’

they make plans for that weekend and gaara decides that he’s going to get that kiss by the end of it.

#gaalee #leegaa #naruto #shippuden #rock lee #gaara #otp: the ultimate otp #oh look a read more? on one of my posts?? me getting carried away??? no! never!#anyways sorry anon this took so long i was distracted by watching naruto and taking notes #i didn't plan on making this like a pseudo fic #and it's probably not as good as my usual stuff #but i hope you enjoy it!#Anonymous

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cowboyjen68 · 6 years

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Kind of a complicated question. Im a pansexual F who is mostly cis gendered, but have times where I feel more “butch” or “femme”, both in their roles & presentations (for lack of a better description). I know these are historically lesbian terms, & I’ve researched it a good bit. I just can’t find any other terms that fit how I feel, & since I’m very gay, do you think this is an acceptable use of terms? Some ppl I know are very angered by anyone not strictly wlw using it, so I am a bit hesitant.

This is a hard one. The word butch to me always defaults to the descriptor of a lesbian. Same with femme. Although in my younger years I often heard gay men use it towards each other, mostly is a light hearted joking way. The first time someone called me “butch” at a woman’s festival I was like “YEAH, that’s it, that fits..that is the word I have been searching for and didn’t know it.”.

I never really minded sharing Butch or Femme as a descriptor, rather than an ID for those not lesbian. Mostly because there weren’t any COMMONLY know words that fit the usage and relayed the message about someones nature or look more concisely. IF it was used and someone was not lesbian, most of us didn’t know anyway so defaulted to that person being a lesbian and it was a non issue unless pointed out.

However, as younger and older generations of lesbians come together and share history and culture, the need for younger butch lesbians to see older butch lesbians and gain a firm understanding of the word butch and its connotations as a term that belongs to only them becomes important. Young butches often struggle with gender confusion, sometimes having very little to do with dysphoria and much more to do with confusing societal and culture noise telling them them that clothing, hobbies, hair and walk etc are very gendered and woman can’t have some of them. Seeing Butch as a firm and solid “way” for them to move in the world is helpful, and seeing older butch women using and giving real world looks to Butch is amazingly helpful to those unsure of why they feel different, still wanting to be proud of who they are physically and aligned with their physical sex, but needing clarity as to how that fits in our world of “blue equals boys and pink equals girls”.

SO, I get the connection and deep feeling of protection of the term Butch as strictly lesbian. It leave us with the conundrum of bi women and pansexuals needing terms of their own that convey the message to the general populations. There are the terms “doe” and “stage”, for bisexuals. I have been out and heavily involved in LGBT circles for 25 years and JUST learned of these terms on Tumblr from a follower who kindly gave me some terms and definitions I had little knowledge about. I asked around... and could not find one person, young, old, gay, straight, bi who knew what these terms were or meant. Here is the issue with our language, if the largest amount of people do not know of or have the same roughly in common idea about the definition of a word, it is useless. The fact is, even the straightest of people understand butch and femme in general terms. They even attach it to lesbian culture but are unphased by it’s use on non lesbians and understand the meaning is any case.

SIgh..it does make me a bit sad because we all deserve to have our own culture. Lesbians deserve to have and keep Butch and Femme. But bi and pan women deserve to have a word or word and describes the way they work in the world. I know that when my friend Emma is with me, and my lesbian friends, she is ALWAYS referred to as femme (and next to me and my circle, that is accurate as far as pure aesthetics is concerned.) She is always assumed lesbian when with lesbians. Even though she does not use “femme” for herself since she is bi and she also has a much more complex view of herself. But she is not offended and she understand the word conveys an immediate and easy to understand logic to those around her.

I think that butch and femme will always be used to describe bi and pan women when they are A. in a relationship with a woman B. when they are in the company of mostly lesbians, or even gay men and C. when being described without knowledge of their actual orientation. It is just going to be this way.

Your hesitation is valid and I would listen to that. Out of respect, I would avoid using the terms Femme and Butch in relation to your look as a pan person. You are NOT responsible for correcting others if they assume. BUT I think if there was a term you could be proud to use, you could correct them and pass on your own culture. I have asked this before. IF anyone in my astute and engaged following knows the proper terms I would like to know. I know of zero bi people who use “stag” and “doe” and the overwhelming reaction was “nope, don’t like those words”. So I am guessing they are not going to become common anytime soon. I am not much help and it still leaves you in a place of having no word of your own. There are generic words, Tomboy, etc. The comedian Elvira Kurt once coined the term “girlyfella” to describe some one who is kind of soft butch but I have actually heard Non lesbians use that term when describing themselves as sort of to the masculine side of our societal ideals.

It is possible to find a term that fits you and begin to use it and talk to your friends about it. It might not go “viral” but if you can find a word you like you can, at least use it around your circle to keep the respect of lesbians and find something that feels like a good fit.

Maybe this generation, your generation, is the defining moment in our LGBT culture where our language changes a bit as pan and bi people ad to our common vernacular. You were doing anything else today anyway, right?

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yesokayiknow · 6 years

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Since Tumblr is eating asks, I'm not sure if you got this ask already, but who in Supergirl do you headcanon as autistic? I was wondering because of your tags about Cat being autistic. (I def sent this 10 times already but I'm worried that Tumblr still might have eaten all the other asks, so sorry if you got flooded with 11 asks asking the same thing! XD)

So ah, sorry about sending the same ask 10 times. I was misinformed about Tumblr eating asks.-it’s fine dude! dw abt it!!

and hm.

so of course we gotta start with kara danvers, love of my life, autistic superhero. she stims (lil jumps and rocks and pillow hugging which are!! adorable!!), she info dumps (mostly abt superman tbh which is honestly!! still v adorable), she meltdowns when she’s overwhelmed (see: the entirety of the red faced ep), isn’t great with sarcasm, a terrible liar, gets overstimulated quite a bit, trips over her words a lot, curls up in her cape and blankets, is v articulate w words but terrible at spelling (which yes of course could be related to the fact that english is her second language (which i wish they’d delve into more bc that’s fascinating) but spelling problems combined w how ridiculously clumsy she is are p big indicators are dyspraxia, which is common in ppl w autism), is very very very tactile

ok so we haven’t seen a lot of clark but i tend to always hc him as autistic so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a s t r a. god. breaking into someone’s place to try and ask for help?? iconique. has no idea abt social norms, has a v formal way of speaking, has like. no idea what she’s feeling at any time which honestly how relatable. empathy who?? idk her. holds herself in a v stiff way. doesn’t know what to do w her hands. her only interest is saving the planet, and she doesn’t know how to convey that in a way that’s accessible to literally anyone else. has one (1) emotion and immediately starts a coup

(and listen i know that hc an entire race as autistic is unrealistic but also i don’t care kryptonians are autistic fight me)

then of course! carter!! honestly one of the most autistic coded characters in the arrowverse (just narrowly beating ray palmer, imo). finds it hard to hold eye contact, info dumps a Lot (but only to ppl he feels comfortable speaking to, else he doesn’t speak at all), isn’t great at empathy, speaks v plainly, finds it hard to joke and be sarcastic

and also. hm. i was realising that in one of my aus alex seemed to have? autistic traits?? and i was like hm that’s not canon. then i was like. wait a minute. bc alex danvers?? finds empathy hard (especially if it’s not with someone she personally cares abt), is pretty good in social situations if she has a script for them (see: absolutely freaking out when maggie first turned up, which like don’t get me wrong she’s 100% a useless lesbian but also not realising maggie was flirting w her? not understanding that maggie might not like that alex tried to celebrate valentine’s day when she flat out stated that she hated it? kara going missing so she just straight up dumps maggie bc she can’t deal w all these emotions at the same time?), has a pretty black and white view (i know it seems p morally grey to everyone else but like. either alex comes out w her sister or not at all. which seems black and white to me), doesn’t really touch ppl? unless she really trust them? special interests are kara and bioengineering and could honestly talk abt either of them for hours. bedside manner what bedside manner? ‘how to show i love somebody and would kill and/or die for them?? *punches winn* perfect’

winn!! me, through tears: kara and winn are autistic best friends and they love each other so much and you can quote me on that. talks in inappropriate moments, info dumps abt his many special interests (though mostly computers and pop culture), trips over his words a lot!! stims w his toys (also probably likes the noise typing makes), hates lying and is awful at it

also! now cat! i’m just gonna copy my tags bc i’m unbelievably lazy and also i guess not everyone’s seen them?? okay so. so!!! so carter’s clearly on the autistic spectrum y/y, people with autism tend to have other family members who are also autistic. such as their parents. and okay so hear me out!!!! bc cat???? hates change, has to have things Exactly as she likes them, can be pretty black and white, is Very good at being sarcastic but can’t always tell when other people are, is very easily distracted/annoyed at bright colours/loud sounds/strong smells, is very blunt and hates lying, doesn’t really know how to respond to emotional displays. cat grant is autistic thank you for coming to my ted talk

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hunkkeiths-blog · 7 years

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So I just scrolled 20000 years back on your blog like the creep I am and I saw you mention schizophrenic Keith headcanons but never actually saw schizo Keith headcanons and I'm 👀👀👀

once again thank you so much for sending this! i really really love this au but i never talk about it bc i feel like no one cares and this makes me sooo happy!

also sorry again for answering late i just wanted to be able to type everything relatively quickly and use a readmore

(i added links that lead to wiki pages to explain what certain stuff is, you don’t need to click them or anything)

ok so here goes

[Food mentions and slight emeto for this part]

Keith has a lot of trouble with food, both bc of sensory issues and paranoia

when its sensory, its mostly if the texture is too different to whats hes used to, or if theres too much taste and theres anything else (a sound, some lights flashing, whatever) hell get overwhelmed really easily. so he tries to stick to relatively tasteless stuff

Keith also gets a lot of persecutory delusions and some of the most recurring ones is that his food has been poisoned, having relatively tasteless food helps with not being as convinced of that

On good days (well as good a day as you can have when you think your food has been poisoned anyway), he can sort of just power through it and eat enough to not be starving.

On bad days, he either doesn’t eat at all, or if he only realises it after having eaten he becomes sick/makes himself sick.

Back on Earth, especially during his year alone, he had 3-4 “trusted foods/brands” and he almost exclusively only ate those

Once on the ship, things get very complicated, because from the start, he doesn’t trust the altean food goo (he still doesn’t if he’s entirely honest, but they’ve all been eating it and none of them are dead yet so if it is poisoned its slow acting enough) so he mostly only eats when hes absolutely starving for the first month or so before he slowly starts to eat more of the altean meals

He does however trust what Hunk cooks partly because he trusts Hunk, partly because Hunk eats it too, and (taste+texture of the food goo aside) hes always more comfortable when Hunk cooks.

[Warning ended]

While developing and after when he had it (which was 2 or 3 years before he entered the Garrison), Keith ended up almost entirely isolated from people, in part because he would willingly withdraw from others, in part because the people who took care of him after his father left/died (foster families i guess? i dont really know how the system works and i cant imagine how much worse it must be for a schizophrenic kid so) didn’t really know what to do with him because he had really bad emotional blunting

Because he was mostly left alone, he started focusing alot on the delusions he had at the time, the main one of which was that he just wasnt human (which yes turned out to be somewhat true, but it’s still a delusion). that led him to thinking of going to space because of a feeling that something would happen there. which led him to the garrison which is how he ended up there.

At the Garrison, he was amazing at flying and mediocre at best in all his other classes.

This is partly because outside of doing stuff that could actually directly get him to space, he wasnt able to get any motivation to do anything else. (even if he gets kicked out, he can just steal a rocket or something right?)

he also didnt really have any friends because he didnt approach anyone and more or less actively avoided anyone trying to get close to him.

the way he just was; never showing any emotion, barely speaking, the weird things he sometimes did, etc; sort of drove ppl away on its own

(this is also sort of the reason he didnt remember him and lances “rivalry” in s1ep1. he never actually noticed lance thought of him as a rival, he just thought lance was sort of loud)

Shiro ended up like being a mentor or something to Keith, and Keith wasnt able to really avoid him

They start off sort of rocky, because Keith hates interacting with other people, due to paranoid thoughts (”he can read my mind”, “he wants to hurt me”, and so on) that, while they werent nearly as bad as off meds, were still present even with medication.

Slowly though, Keith warms up to Shiro and starts trusting him (though shiro is never really sure because Keith doesnt show it at all)

Keith starts doing better in all his classes, because he’s interpreted that shiro will be extremely disappointed in him if he ends up getting kicked out because of poor grades, and hes terrified of disappointing literally the only person in the world he trusts

It also leads to Keith putting a minimum of effort into becoming at least somewhat expressive

When the kerberos mission fails, keith is destroyed. all his grades almost instantly drop and he barely shows up to class because losing the only person he trusts essentially makes him totally apathetic, and go back to having alot of paranoid thoughts/delusions (mostly surrounding the garrison staging the entire thing, sort of fake moon landing style but with actual murder to make people back off on exploring space because of Something), and feeling like he’s being stalked by people (not entirely untrue tbh), and deal with anhedonia. and thats how he gets kicked out/how he drops out

Living entirely alone (as in without any supervision) was hell for Keith.

Moving to the shack after dropping out messed with his entire routine, and without a relatively strict routine, he ends up forgetting his meds

Off medication, he had really really really horrible episodes that almost always ended with him getting hurt in some way

Off-meds, he starts his garrison/shiro conspiracy wall

He also found the blue lions cave during an episode

After a while (keith never tries to find out how much time he spent without his meds because he forgot about them), he ends up taking his antipsychotics again, and almost destroys the wall, except theres a feeling he still has that he rememebers he had during an episode.

He ends up going to the cave again, and “Holy shit that was real??” so he restarts his wall while being a bit more down to Earth.

The day shiro crashes on earth is one of the best days of his life bc, well, shiro, but also because he was actually right for once.

Overall, Keith’s pretty good at organising his thoughts and not speaking incoherently, but if hes at all stressed, hell go through a lot of thought blocking

It’s really annoying because Keith hates not being understood and not finishing his points, but often, even if the person hes talking to reminds him what he was talking about, he cant remember what he was going to say after

He also used to think that the thought blocking was aliens and/or the government stealing away all his thoughts to study humans (or, before the garrison: not entirely human entities)

His thoughts are alot more disorganised than his speech shows (under normal circumstances, there are occasions where he does get mostly incoherent). He’s learned to think of what hes going to say step by step before saying it

What he says often still comes off as not entirely thought out, rude, etc because thinking about what order words are going to come out of his mouth doesnt fix not understanding how to interact with others

And here’s a bunch of stuff i couldn’t really make long enough to warrant a separate section:

Keith stims mostly when hes nervous or bored, and he stims by scratching his nails against things, because he likes the sounds it makes.

[self harm (sort of)] at some point, the team notices that when theres nothing for him to scratch (like a wall or something), hell scratch at his own skin, because scratching fabric feels/sounds horrible, often until he scratches part of it off. so they make him these little squares of material to scratch at

Keith does a lot of magical thinking (i cant find an easy link for this but in this case its like seeing signs in things that are seemingly unrelated if that makes sense) where he’ll see a ‘sign’ and feel like he has to do something (what something is varies from something very specific to just “something”)

since he obviously cant always do what hes supposed to do after seeing the signs, hes started writing down everything so he can do it later (lance’s idea). it helps a lot.

Keith hates places with background noises that arent constant (like they stop and start, stop and start), even if they arent particularly loud, because he loses his entire train of thought whenever it stops or starts

Ok! that’s all I can think of right now, I hope this answered what you were looking for!

I lost my entire train of thought at least 5 times while typing this so I’ll probably add more things in my tag later on when I think of them again!

I’m also writing an actual story with this, it should come out around the end of June if you’re interested!

#schizo keith #i did not reread this im sorry if parts are incoherent #keith #voltron #vld #Anonymous

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