#because a lot of them aren't online enough or dont care enough to know really what intrusive thoughts are

[autumnbrambleagain]

Do you have any other literary (I think thats the right term in this context?) works publicly viewable? Proselytize is still kicking around my mind and I find the way you write fascinating

Long answer no with a yet, short answer yes with a but!

Most of my actual serious effort-works aren't online because I just honestly don't know what to do with them. My biggest is a story called the story with ruth in it, which, before revisions, was sitting at 337,000 words. I started that back in 2011 and did NOT have a solid plan until the end, so the early sections especially ended up being a super sloppy mess.

I'm still in the process of going through and kind of rewriting it from the base up to be a lot more internally coherent! Some of the writing is 10+ years old in there and not nearly as good as my current stuff, but at its core it's pretty decent! It deals with a lot of what Proselytize would in different scales: what it means to have an outsized amount of power and be able to affect the world with almost no consequences and how fucked up that ends up being. While that was a side-theme in Proselytize it's the main theme there.

I have no idea what on earth to do with it when I'm done with my rewrite because it's going to end up at over 350,000 words and it isn't fandom-related so I don't know if Ao3 is a good place for it (i know you can put original works up there but also they say to not do that so like ? ? ?) but i have no illusions of getting something this weird published so I might just put it online somewhere if we all live that long!

I have a bunch of scattered storysnippets on my furaffinity (obvious obligatory warning about linking to the furry porn website) but the problem with that is they're very much scattered bits and also some of them are a lot more darker than Proselytize or more X-rated and also none of them really ever got finished (i'm very serious about the darker warning my gallery has some of that old school ultraviolence and what-have-you the deeper back in the past you go into it (we've gone through like 5 different character arcs but we keep the same furaffinity so you go back far enough and it's essentially a different person's gallery after certain points))

the problem is, i can like. i can doodle. i am not an artist. and people on furaffinity mostly care about 1: furry porn art, and 2: see 1. so most of the projects i have on there kind of stall out once i start getting diminishing returns of like, 4 people looking at something i spent hours on writing. ive recently just given up on making stuff for FA for a while in frustration.

especially since, like, if i DONT doodle something as a "cover image" for a story upload, it gets like, 80% less views, which translates from like 30 people looking at it to 4 people looking at it.

BUT.

i still stand by Yhelm's Story in there which isn't complete (because, again, writing for an audience of 4 is kind of depressing) but which is a fun bunch of mess about a local crimedog and her sex-shifting songferret partner dealing with the consequences of their life of organized crime. Hits with themes of family abandonment, generational trauma, romances that you know are a bad idea but you do it anyway, racism, trying to not be the bad guy while being the bad guy, and existing in a really fucking weird fantasy world which is normal to everyone but the reader.

her overall gallery is here (linking to the second page of it) but to actually read it chronologically it you would have to go to the back of the gallery and read from the back forward and there's also just a lot of doodles mixed in. a lot of the writing is in the image descriptions. like a lot of the images in her gallery are just basically chapter-cover-images to trick people into clicking and WOOPS. now there's a story you're scrolling through.

it's not really very navigation friendly but that's furaffinity unfortunately!

watch this space (tumblr) for announcements on future writing projects i guess tho!

[goat-yells-at-everything]

First art on a new tablet!

Grian having a crisis due to Watcher things. c:

I talk about my new tablet under the cut if your interested!

So, as an early birthday present I got an inexpensive portable tablet called a PicassoTab. I've had it for a bit but I've mainly used it to take notes for my externship and other things using the Squid notes app but I've finally sat down and pulled up mediabang and done real art.

So what do I think of this tablet?

The PicassoTab is an inexpensive general tablet that supports a real drawing pen. Basically, its a cheap iPad and apple pencil. Except I would definitely NOT call it cheap. Its actually a really nice little tablet and pen combo and I'm quite happy with it.

I'd liken it to my large Ugee tablet in terms of draw feel. Its very obviously a tablet and does not at all feel like drawing on paper. This can be a major downside for some artists to PLEASE keep that in mind. While I prefer my Gamon as far as draw feel, since I've used the Ugee before its not a huge downside and the portability makes up for that less than desirable draw feel.

The pen uses a single AAAA battery which isn't ideal imo. While it keeps the pen smaller and more pen sized, its a hard battery to find outside of online stores. Its not rechargeable so when the battery dies then you need a new one. Though there are rechargeable AAAAs out there, I dont know if they will fit as rechargeable batteries aren't the same size as their normal counterparts.

HOWEVER, I've been using this thing almost CONSTANTLY for over 2 weeks now and there is no sign of the pen dying so I think its got a good battery life and the passive discharge is minimal.

Whats nice about the Picasso is that its a general tablet as well as a drawing tablet. It has access to the play store and runs on android software. It came with 2 drawing apps installed and I really didn't care for them. But with access to the play store I was able to download mediabang which is a free software app that works wonderfully. It doesn't have all the same options as clip studio but its more than enough for the sketch book experience I want from this. I did make this art as a finished work on the Picasso but I didn't get it to replace my Gamon, just to replace the chunky sketchbooks and notebooks I used to carry around (and use less paper).

The other positive about it being a general tablet is that I can use it as a notebook, too. I write A LOT. Notes, lists, planners, ect. My house is stacked with notebooks of all shapes, sizes, and colors. I have SO MANY pens, too. Like WAY too many pens. But because the Picasso has access to the play store I can use the note app Squid to replace all of these notebooks and pens. I now carry around about 12 notebooks and counting in my purse and the notebooks have unlimited pages. Squid also lets you edit and move text after its written so its pretty easy to reorganize notes without rewriting everything.

So ya.

100% recommend if your looking for a portable sketchbook/notebook tablet.

[soopiroth]

behold... the classic @mybabybearcub question list...

i'm gonna list off my entire list in one day to make up for all the times i saw this and went "uhhh, i'll do this another day"

it's under the cut!

favorite movie? hard pick... i like studio ghibli films a lot, and i watched them a ton growing up, but i also like bugsy malone a lot, such a whimsical movie... and of course ffvii advent children has a place in my heart... um, um, i dunno! i swear i have some more grownup movies I like but to be honest I don't indulge myself in film enough...

favorite toon? ummm lessee... thomas the tank engine doesnt count because it's the model series I like... i like homestar runner a lot! web cartoons count right? ummm i also started watching dungeon meshi and i'm fond of it... ermmmm i dunno.

yeah, i sleep with stuffies, even when not regressed. my mainstay is my sephiroth plush which is kind of a comfort object for me atp... but i've also got a nicely sized tentomon plush I snuggle a lot!!

ummm this is hard too... jerboas... bugs but especially stag beetles n rolypolies... water bear... any weird little guys tbh!

GREEN! purple as a distant second

i have friends who get up to flippyfloppy mutual babysitting antics with me?

...too many, next question.

um... nnneither. i only draw when not regressed and sometimes i even struggle to focus on coloring when regressed. so um... scribbling!

sephiroth plushie... but shoutouts to my toy i had since i was two, a handcrafted stuffie made from a sock. his name is baby but i also call him Boy and soon he will be Man

uhmmm... playdoh is more nostalgic but i do like to mess with slime ig... i don't mess with either much though.

i don't really have little gear! i have a chew stim stick tho that semi counts

um um! i like final fantasy! vii and ix! but i also like bomb rush cyberfunk! and disco elysium! and pokemon and zelda and mario and and and yeah!!!

meeting my online friend that ive wanted to meet up with for ages and we. play toys idk

does the disney store still exist? i liked it when i was real little but i dont care for disney much anymore... so bab. But they're expensive too... hrmmm

what's it to you...? (...i dont like astrology because it encourages an uncontrollable determinism and making assumptions about others instead of getting to know them!)

halloween good. i like the timing of thanksgiving (not the holiday itself, i have a deepseated hatred of colonialism) because it usually means i'll have time near my birthday off from school and work. but i like excuses to cosplay.

i usually just yap! yap yap yap! dm my buddies! yap yap yap!

showers more often but bath as a rare treat to indulge myself

whatever's easiest to eat for me or yummiest. what's "easy" food for me varies from day to day.

fall... good temps, allergies aren't bad, my birthday, crispy weather bringing in the cold after ages of hot... i can still wear shorts but i can also wear jackets

i dunno... i refuse to label it. it's too fluid and bouncy and vague. i just call myself small.

im like a chronic sibby collector, in and out of regression. i have chronic big brother syndrome. i keep becoming people's big brother figure. help. though i specifically have one friend among my bests whom of which we have dubbed each other mirror twins! like rin and len...

yes... why not both? shoutout to corn cho, a snackoo i really like... it's like the baby corn puffs almost but with a layer of chocolate ganache! yummy yummy

one of the things i take most pride in is my writing, both prose and poetry, fiction and nonfiction! but to compliment both body and mind, i like to think i'm pretty cute, i daresay

mulan. i liked belle as a kid a lot too but i also liked mulan bc i pointed and went FELLOW ASIAN and then later ended up trans so. dang i guess they did make a man outta me.

nope! not really! i put stickers on stuff but i don't seek them out actively. but i do collect pins! and i collect merch of my favorite lovely wife kuja ffix

uhmmm despite having dogs i don't see myself as a dog person and i've never really had cats. i'd prefer something less mammalian. more reptillian or an invert of some sort... BUUUUT i like rodents too. but if i had to *compare* myself to an animal... um idk what lol

i am a fellow of great range and nuance! Gimme it all!!!

iiiii love love love writing :) and video game! :)

i like listening to ff tracks that feel evocative of agere for me... but i also like whatever i like when big (which also includes ff music...). so usually for me that's some 2 mello, sea power, billy joel... lots! it all depends

[dragattin-artchive]

self insert tiem :D

more info under the cut :)

Name: their name is my name and i dont want to share my irl name online :3

Age: 20-something

Pronouns: they/them

International student from the USA but they want to drop out. They work at a cafe and they hate their job. Their japanese is subpar, along with their english despite being a native speaker.

Their relationships with the sextuplets ^_^

Osomatsu - drinking buddies, he plays up his attraction to them around his brothers but when they're alone he treats them normally. They are rather close.

Karamatsu - they avoid him at all costs. His very existence repels them.

Choromatsu - they can't stand being around him too long. He's ok in small amounts but they don't really like being around him a lot

Ichimatsu - they hang out sometimes and enjoy each other's company.

Jyushimatsu - homoerotic besties YAY

Todomatsu - moots online, they met him first through their job

Now for the side characters :D

Totoko - they are very attracted to her. They love a woman who can kick their ass. Their relationship isn't very deep due to their awkwardness towards attractive women.

Nyaa-chan - they don't know jack shit about her nor would they care to due to Choromatsu liking her a little too much

Matsuyo and Matsuzo - weirdly attracted to both of them but they don't want to tell the brothers because that would be VERY awkward. They are very awkward with them.

Dekapan and Dayon - they are scared of Dayon but thinks Dekapan is goofy

Hatabou - he's intimidating to them for some weird reason

Iyami - they are also intimidated by him. They once saw him fight cats for scraps of food, they don't want to fuck with him at all.

Chibita - he verbally questions their choices, meanwhile, they keep him updated with their life. They met Chibita through the sextuplets and they enjoy his food.

I included a denki mystery design because tbh denki mystery is my fave :D

ANYWAYS SO! More rambling ahead about them!

They are replacing the Osomatsu-san staff but noncanonically, so their meta bullshit powers aren't that strong. It's strong enough that they can push reality to be sort of what they want, but they usually don't get their way.

I have a whole fucking google document about them might share more later yippee

If you got this far thanks for reading :3

[mspeevee]

Would it help more to ask you questions so you can vent, or would you prefer comfort? If so, would you prefer reassurance or advice?

I know it's a lot, and I don't want to condenscend. But I do promise that you aren't doing anything wrong by feeling this way. Take as much time as you need <3

i just wish i felt like i was important to my friends enough that i was worth the time i put into them back

i wasn't gonna vent but then i exploded anyways.

the gist is that multiple times now i've felt like i do all this effort, messaging first, making art (i don't do it expecting anything back), sharing my life with people only to receive like, appreciation but not reciprocation. and then i watch them do all of that for other people and i can't help but feel like it's my fault. like i am just so replaceable.

and then when i am hurting so bad i understand they don't know what to say me, hell they prolly have my vent and complaining tags blocked i'm sure, but i feel left to rot and seethe until i fucking hate them. and then i feel bad about it, cuz i don't want to, but i'm so tired of feeling this way every few months. it makes me wish i were dead because i don't see any point in going on if no one genuinely cares if i'm in pain or not. not even a simple "hey im sorry you're going through this but i care". i get ignored. and i feel like it reflects my worth to them.

and rn i can't blame myself for feeling so angry about it too when i feel like i'm bleeding out with their backs turned to me. and maybe that's dramatic but i'm not exactly rational right now anyways so.

and later on i prolly won't blame them or anything, i know this is all because my mental health is bad and my brain tortures me using them against me, but when it happens so often and i feel like i'm finally getting better only for something random to set me off into wanting to stop existing again i'm like, well what's the fucking point??

would they even cry about me for that long? would me leaving leave any impact longer than a week? a month? would they regret not taking every chance i gave them to engage with me? did i deserve their time at all anyways? am i selfish for interpreting continual silence as dismissal?

this applies to literally everything but i cannot blame myself for not knowing how people think when they don't tell me. i can't know if anyone likes my art if they don't like it or reblog it or tell me. i can't know that you told your friends you really enjoyed a post on my blog if that's the only people you told.

and obviously that extends to me, too, how can they know i'm slowly resenting them if i dont say something? but isn't that so cruel of me to mention? isn't it so mean of me to make them feel bad for doing harmless things that just so happen to be used as ammo against me because of my own problems by my own brain? should i just stop making friends? where do i give up here? where do i work on it?

honestly i'd love advice, idk how to cope like this. everything online just says therapy but that's not an option for me. im trying so hard to practice mindfulness and challenging the thoughts but they seem so right and like there's so much "proof". "oh you did all this for your friend but they never did it back but look now they're doing it with this new friend! and it's not the first time either, how many times will you assume you mean as much to them as they do to you."

i wish i wasnt struggling alone. even tho i know i'd just think they're lying if they ever reached out to me at least i would remember they tried when i started to come out of this ditch. but no one wants to try with me anymore, and it's my fault.

[teenidleadultgirl]

i watched this video online of this black middle aged woman talking about how many young people online haven't had the chance to challenge their politic yet and it really resonated with me because i think it explains some of y'all behaviors online and in real life.

sure, you say you want everyone to receive housing and free food and clothes and not want for necessities but what if you're constantly dealing with bigotry? because the poorest populations ARE the MOST bigoted. it's that way by design. she was talking about being called the n word and abused left and right verbally and how she had to really ask herself, do i believe this person deserves my help? this person who is mean and angry and trying to exert power over me in any way they can? for her, the answer is yes.

and i have heard many of my friends say things like "if i was dictator, I'd do things right" or "i don't understand how people can disagree with my opinions, they're just objectively the correct ones to have" re the bigotry right.

but ask these same people would you allow someone who calls you slurs to eat food you bought and prepared for them and suddenly, they're sounding very conservative.

the truth of the matter is a lot of you guys politics are dependent on people being the "right" type of human. that's why some of you have no problem getting ON THE INTERNET and admitting that you'd like to see white people die for not caring enough about your problems or causing your problems in the first place.

your politics aren't actually progressive. it's NOT progressive to believe that only the people you think deserve it should have access to life, housing, food, and all their rights.

yeah, obviously, it's fucking easy to help out people who behave in ways you find socially acceptable but there's a lot of people out there who behave in ways you DON'T find socially acceptable, see your reaction the people at the dnc being mean to palestine protesters. in fact, the MAJORITY of society, if you're truly a leftist, doesn't act in ways you find socially acceptable. what differentiates a leftist from a conservative is their willingness to help EVERYONE, even people they dont like, achieve basic comforts and dignity in life.

a lefist would rather house everyone, even if it means MOST of the people that get houses are bigoted, because they know it's not right to tie your right to housing to how moral you are as a person. a conservative only wants a world with people who think and act like them to have basic rights and a good life. everyone else deserves to suffer for their sins.

[the-sour-patch-crew]

It's always fascinating finding out people have us blocked that we have never interacted with. Overall, I like to think we've never been antagonistic towards anyone in tags. Never attacked anyone. Never harassed. We've been very civil, even in our disagreements (that I recall at least). We have a few side blogs, and not many people have the main account blocked, so I always find out only after I go to make a comment and then see what accounts are greyed out. Silly little bonus feature of side blogs.

So

Is it because we sometimes have syscourse?

Is it because we are endogenic or identity as mixed origin?

Is it because we support all forms of plurality?

It's an amusing game. People may block for so many reasons, but those are the three main things we can think of. It's particularly amusing when people love or agree with things on our side blog but apparently hate this account. Extra funny.

If it's because people think we are toxic or out to get systems and corrupt singlets and poison traumagenic systems, then I feel quite awful for someone living in such a fearful and distorted outlook on life and others. Well, if that was the case, then why is our popular side blog not blocked? That blog is all of those things and very loud about it. But also, my partner is a DID system. I am very, very aware that multiplicity is not a silly little game. To say I spread misinformation and am bad for CDD systems blows my mind when I spend every day supporting one. What happens on Tumblr is pointless at the end of the day because what *really* matters is the support and understanding I give to them. We are a living example of how STUPID syscourse is between endogenic and traumagenic systems. Get the fuck off of social media and actually spend time supporting eachother instead of fighting.

Oh! Mayhaps it's our age. It's always interesting when it's our age. I promise we are not creeps and are quite safe to be around. Siblings, work, friends, and online communities have made me very aware of what is appropriate and how to coexist amongst a wide age range of people. I wanted to be a teacher once, and still would love to be an elementary art teacher. I promise I don't bite.

Maybe it's our fictives. I know some people cannot stand their sources or them as individuals. Which again is quite sad. Ashe and Alastor are both amazing people. I dont think I've met a single person who didn't like Ashe once they got talking with her (minus like two assholes that were ultimately voted as assholes by the entire server lol). I point her out because she's been here the longest and I owe her a lot so yeah I kinda play favorites a bit. Because I honestly love her. I say this with all the love for Al and the newest member. They aren't hurt by me saying that. They get it. Honestly, I don't think Al cares enough to be offended.

Maybe it's because I'm a furry. People always hate on furries. But that's okay. People hate on anyone who is different from them. Its why the furry, queer, and alterhuman community are so tight-knit. I'm just a silly fox in the end.

Is it because I'm critical of behavior and use of terms by people who kff or are transid? Is it because I'm thiiiiis close to being that "awful" trans guy that would still classify himself as a lesbian if only I could stop shifting gender representation every few years?

Is it because I'm working through trauma and people think that suddenly makes me being endogenic a lie? Is that the proof that people need to hate me? You hate systems with trauma and you hate systems without it. There's no winning.

Is it because I promote daemonism? *GASPS*

I'm not mad at being blocked. The internet hates and blocks people for so many reasons. I block a specific group of people every time we see them in the tags. I do it because I TRY to live by the motto if I have nothing nice to say I shouldn't say it at all. I also apply this to thoughts. If I see posts that constantly make me think shitty things about people and they aren't actively harming me or the people I care for, I block them. Because placing that into the universe is kinda fucked, even if they never would know about it.

I don't NEED people to like me. But I'll admit it's been a HUGE hurdle in my life. Trying to not care about what others think about me has always been a major issue growing up. I think everyone and anyone can relate to that. There's a saying I try and keep to and its how I'm going to end this post. [GRANTED this post has been an intoxicated, headache fueled rant at 2 in the morning. We all know how things get around 2 and 3. That's when shit gets fun (no it really doesn't I just want to sleep please) ]

[wittywallflower]

(I haven't finished any of your stories yet, sorry. 😓But...) For the fic writer ask game, how about 1, 60, and 70, please?

no worries! i never really expect anyone to read my fic. my best friend in the world for almost 20 years now has never read a single one of my fics lol. Fic can be so highly selective. First there's gotta be overlap in a fandom that i write that you want to read fic for. Then that fic has to have a pairing or tags that appeal to you. And a summary that you are interested in reading. And then you gotta open it up and see if my writing style even sounds good to you. a lot of factors gotta come together here, is what I'm saying. maybe those stars aren't aligned yet, oh well. lol

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

one-shot scenes come easier to me, but i always feel like i need a lot of set-up to get to that scene, so they turn into multi-chaptered fics despite me. I cant just post 3.7k with an author's note like "okay in this scene X has happened so Y&Z are in a confrontation but avoiding talking about ABC because Y did 123".

this is mainly me making things difficult for myself. i suck at finishing multichapter fics so i really should settle for posting shit as one-shots instead of sitting on them for two years because i tell myself i need transition scenes to lead in and out or whatever

60. Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

I am gonna be flat out honest with you: I dont pay attention to who authors fics i read. unless it is coming to me from the author who is a mutual on tumblr "here read this fic i wrote about our fave blorbo" my mind simply does not retain the author's name. Honestly it rarely retains the story title either. I will be halfway through the first chapter and only remember the summary and the wordcount and that's about it. "was this the rated G or was this the PWP? *scrolls back up* sometimes i forget what the main ship even is until I'm like "wait why aren't these two flirting with each other like usual? Oh shit this isn't for THAT otp"

so when i get lovely comments, i don't even know if its from another writer unless i think to go check their profile.

70. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

one of two situations is happening when i talk to people about writing:

-its online, so they know of fanfic. they probably read fanfic themselves. i feel no embarrassment mentioning I write it

or

-its IRL and the people i interact with IRL are very Not-Online. they dont know what fanfic is. I rarely care enough to bother explaining and will just list the genres i tend to write fanfic in when they ask what i write.

I'm not embarrassed by it because i really don't give a shit about the opinion of someone who didn't know what fanfic was until i explained it. And since i don't care about their opinion on it, i don't tend to waste the time explaining it to begin with. lol

[pleasantspark]

bro everyone saw your crash outs and videos calling people the r slur, dont act all innocent, especially when youre bffs with kiwifarmers who use the word in extremely hateful manners. kinda sad that youre evern friends with them, seeing as they have no respect for you and call you the r slur and tr*nny a lot. have some self respect.

I don't care. If you think it's not cool then that's your opinion. I don't have any alignment with the Farms as I don't go in there. I told you guys the only forum I go on is a Suicide Forum. I'm not joking and no it's not for "pity" if you disagree with my stance then that's okay but saying I don't have self respect for choosing to reclaim slurs Is the most ridiculous thing ever.

Imagine being this Terminally Online that you guys bullied someone over something so fucking stupid. Also id like to mention the same fuckers who started this also reblogged reclaiming slurs.

Also one thing. I was manic during those crash outs. Lovely to see ableism on my fucking page when I'm trying to sleep. I sincerely don't care about what the KiwiFarms does because like it or not. It's a free speech forum. The only reason why they're allowed to stay up is that.

I don't bother with the site. My friend barely even contacts me in regards to the Hazbin shit anymore. Since she gets it here herself. She only contacts me because I reached out in regards to important shit.

I don't know why you guys sincerely think it's funny trying to pin shit on me when I'm not the one reblogging reclaiming slurs and being a goddamn hypocrite. Truly the world would be a better place if everyone can shut their mouths and learn to respect one another.

But I'm starting to see how Viv sees how the world works. In this day in age. You aren't given respect because it's up to the faceless asshats to give them in return.

No one here has self respect and yet I'm supposed to have it? Fuck off. I lost respect for myself the moment asshats like the critic community harassed underage victims for being proshippers.

I don't really care about the discourse but people like them makes me sick. Knowing I've been groomed into it and no adult had helped me.

"self respect" yeah you didn't know I had to sell my body to get by. But no one really watches their tongue. Fuck off with your performative self censored bullshit. I've been through enough and I'd like to have my mouth kept out of. SB also has requested everyone leave me alone.

It's funny really none of you really see the real picture. You believe petulant manchildren over the fucking truth, Everytime. It's always my fault and not the two other grown adults is it? Am I expected to take responsibility for two grown adults.

I'm tired of people harassing me for being myself. I'm not hurting children, I'm not hurting animals. All I said was retarded and that's the worst date then death.

I hope y'all get help. Because this shits the most stupidest shit and you're not getting any attention for your moral fagging. Like who TF takes internet seriously. No one does.

Also I can't control my friends. So it's not my fault for what they do. Dumbass

[drfirefly08]

HKSADHKHKEA HELP I DID UQUIZ GENSHIN KIN QUIZZES FOR FUNSIES AND THEN??? JUST FELT INCREDIBLY EXPOSED AND NOW IM REFLECTING ON MYSELF.... SOME OF THESE ARE TOO ACCURATE AND IM NOT SURE WHAT TO FEEL ABOUT IT

and the green are someone else's thoughts on the results! theyre someone im very close with haha

and this talks about my feelings so uh a bit of sadness under the cut since this is a bit long

first - CHONGYUN MY GUY!!!

"Even though you're young, you feel like you have decades of weight upon your shoulders. You tend to focus on it, and sometimes it consumes you, but you need to know that your pain is only a small, small part of you." NO SHUT PLEASE, YES IM YOUNG AND YES IM IN (MENTAL/EMOTIONAL) PAIN A LOT, OKAY I GET IT

"Most of the time, you're just adorable. Yes, I don't care if you don't think so. You're precious. You're one of the kindest people out there, and a lot of people tend to see you as innocent if they don't know you." mmm i suppose i do act a bit cute at times with my discord friends;;;; And! Well, i try to be kind and respectful most of the time, outside of silly banter which well isnt genuinely mean in any way

"You feel incompetent a lot of the time, but you aren't. The people in your life all appreciate you, even if you don't see it. You can be oblivious to the love people have for you sometimes, but try not to be stuck in your own head so much." I... well i suppose i tend to put myself down a lot,,, and sometimes i wonder if the people i consider close to me truly care,,, but they've said and done things that show they care, which is comforting ^^

[ I guess yes you feel like that even though you're young, and there's nothing wrong in feeling like that, a student has alot of things that they have to take care of. There's nothing wrong in you feeling like that. You seem to get stressed with it too, and that's understandable. You do need to know that it's all just a small part of you. I absolutely agree on this, you're not only most of the times but all the time absolutely adorable (atleast to me). You're really, yes, one of the kindest people out there. I think you try to enjoy things. Not only focus on one thing, Though I may be wrong on that. I think you are trying your best. ]

second - kaeya!!! my blorbo

"you're lonely, accept it. you miss soft hugs and forehead kisses that you'd get so often as a child. or maybe you never got lots of that?" ok yeah maybe im a bit lonely,,, i still get hugs... but mm it doesnt feel the same as it used to be, i've grown more.. sad? pessimistic? and it hasnt let me appreciate the hugs more...

"you probably crave affection, but you'd never ask for it, because you don't feel like that's something you truly deserve." i.. well tend to daydream comforting moments of affection, tho these tend to focus on romantic affection... even for platonic affection, i dont usually ask my parents for hugs and i dont really have close enough irl friends for that type of stuff... and well i cant ask for irl affection, it feels strange, i usually keep to myself so it would be weird to ask one irl. im much more comfortable with affection online

"You're a bit different and that makes you scared, so you pretend to be someone else. always joking around people not to make it obvious and to fit in well - you would never be open about that." yeah i am a bit different than my irl peers. i act differently around them, my parents too. my parents think im some good innocent daughter when i am unwell and not innocent at all! heck! im not even sure if im their daughter! or son! but ah, yes i mostly joke around with my peers, who are mostly my classmates. i joke at times, sometimes about my own mental health. they probably dont take the mental health jokes seriously, which good, i dont think i can handle someone irl genuinely worrying about my mental health...

"but the person who you really are, are they unattractive? youve never had a chance to know because you haven't showed the real you to anyone. you're scared. do you drink or smoke? maybe you really like energy drinks or coffee? extreme sports? horror movies? trying to replace real feelings from real interacting with imitations of them." this... is the least me out of all of this result. i know who i am, i am who who is firefly, who i am irl is not the full me. i may not be able to describe myself but i know i am who firefly is. i have shown the real me, and its on discord.

[ You, absolutely I will give you alot of affection if you just asked. I agree with this, you always tend to think that you don't deserve good things. Yeah, I thought you were really positive at first, because that's how you tried to look like. But you're not like that. I agree that you need to open tf up. Because no you're not unattractive. ]

third - another kaeya!

"wow you're hot ok." pfft, i've been called handsome, pretty, beautiful and cute before. but not hot lol.

"you have a lot of abandonment issues, you are scared that the people you care about are going to slip out of your reach the moment that you show any signs of weakness." WOW OKAY INSTANTLY CALLING OUT MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!! yes i am scared i will lose the people i care about, my comfort people especially. it honestly started when i got super attached with this one online friend but they slowly became less active and then disappeared and deleted their account. i sent one last heartfelt message before they deleted it, i didnt know they would delete their account. they never replied, so i never knew if they saw it. i've had many night where i cried and worried over them because i knew their life wasnt the... greatest. i worried for the worst. but its fine, i remembered they had another account on another platform and msged them. theyre okay. the worst hasnt happened.

"i promise that they won't leave, you're gonna be ok." yeah. yeah i really hope so...

"you are very good at telling lies but find ways to use this talent in a good way, rather than a hurtful way. you have a flirty personality but actually have little to no interest in relationships." this part... no not really me at all. im not sure if im good at lying. i dont really have a flirty personality, sure i flirt at times, but thats some times. and i do have interest in relationships, i am in one right now.

"just know that acting aloof and detached from your feelings is not gonna make them go away, you have to face them head on instead of running from them." i... well, i suppose i do sometimes ignore my feelings, especially negative ones. but i've been doing it less and less thanks to having my comfort people... and well having a tumblr to vent on at times too ig

[ Lol yeah I agree with this test. I get that feeling, it's valid tbh to feel like if you show any weakness the other person may leave, it can be from past experience sometimes. I would say I won't leave you tho. Yeah you seemed to really don't like the idea of relationships irl and I get why. I don't really know about the last two lines but the rest really sounds like you. ]

fourth - ei! i literally did not expect to get her

"you believe that you do not deserve your friends and that all you do is bring downfall in relationships." OW OKAY, STARTING WITH A HARD HITTER!! yeah, sometimes i dont think i deserve them. sometimes i blame myself when i did smth that couldve upset them and then see them upset after it, even when i dont know if it was what i did that upset them. it especially sucks when it happens with my comfort people

"you feel as if you can do so much better but it’s so hard, endless disappointment in yourself and you’re stubborn to change your ways so in order for you to succeed it takes a little more work and time to find a way around your obstacles." OWWW ANOTHER HARD HITTER.... yeah i feel as if im not at my best, i get upset at myself because i was unable to do smth. but im not stubborn enough to change my ways... i dont have the energy. the gifted kid burnout man,,, it sucks

"also, one bad experience can give you a bad impression of that person forever! first impressions are important to you because they are “vibes” you get upon meeting the person." i... not really?? sure the bad experience will linger around that will make me judgemental of them but i still can find good things about them...

[ If you believe that thing then I will write a whole fricking essay later, you deserve your friends. You know you need to be proud of your work sometimes, you do good enough. I really think this one result kinda relates to you but I am not entirely sure. The first part about you feeling like you don't deserve your friends or happiness, I noticed that you tend to think that. ]

last! - albedo! also another surprise

"you're either burnt out or you're on your way there and you totally need to learn how to ask for help." FUNNY HOW I MENTIONED MY GIFTED KID BURNOUT EARLIER HAHAH,,,, and yeah ig i need to learn to ask for help sometimes.... its a bit of a struggle

"maybe you think you don't deserve love or you think you weigh people down but you bring people up more often than you think." yeah sometimes i dont think i deserve the love my friends give me and sometimes i think im a burden too. but.. ik people like me, my online friends at least.

"no one hates you or thinks you're boring whenever you open your mouth, you probably have a unique perspective on the things you love and you should be more confident. i'd probably hang onto every word you said even if it was an essay's length on your favourite colour" oh... i tend to be a dry texter at times when i dont know what to say. and yeah i tend to be underconfident in things, i usually have an answer but i was too doubtful on whether it was correct or not and then someone raises their hand and says the exact same answer and gets it right. happens a lot;;;;

[ Feeling like you weigh people down or are a burden to them is normal. Many people tend to think that. Part of human emotions again, even I feel like I am a burden to you. Though i think I need to tell you that you do deserve love and you're not a burden. Yeah I agree, you're really fun to talk to, I've never felt bored when talking to you. I would actually really like if you talked alot more about things you like. ]

[alternian-survival-advice]

welcome to alternian internet safety corner. this is specifically for other guys still young enough to be trapped on this planet i dont know shit about what it's like off-planet. a vpn is really good for small shit like downloading movies and games and shit... but when it comes to more sensitive stuff you have to be really careful with what you post online. im not an expert on this or anything but i know some basics. if you got your shit legally then every device you get like husktops and palmhusks and anything that can access the internet has a device number. its logged and registered to you specifically with your caste and sign and name on file. there are also certain imperial channels and files and spyware and scrapers that you can't remove. you've probably noticed that you dont have to log into anything for schoolfeeding and that it usually works even if your local internet is off. or if you have any kind of adblock you've probably noticed that there are some ads that never go away no matter what. so not only is shit logged specifically to you its also actively updating with info about you and your activity and a bunch of other shit. this shit is built in. now heres the most important part: if youre going online and saying certain things then that shit is going to be actively reported. so lets say you kin aliens and youre pretending to be one or pretending to know them and spreading anti-imperial shit through your roleplay as a funny joke. or you talk a lot about mutants. or outright say you know or are a mutant. or any illegal immediate culling risk type shit. you are going to be reported for that. that shit is logged and can be traced right back to you really fucking fast. and a vpn is not going to save you. you have to be careful with the shit you say. especially if you're a lowblood because sorry to tell you this but the drones aren't going to care to investigate shit and try and see if you were serious or just fucking around.

[ceasarslegion]

Im thinking of this again because ive told a lot of people in the last few weeks about the hot coffee incident with GTA:SA. The question of child-unfriendly media is coming up more again recently as bills questioning tiktok's place on the internet and KOSA get pushed through on international stages. Bills like KOSA dont just affect the states, they'll affect the world from how much of the internet's infrastructure is american. And in some places they did a damn good job of convincing others it's "just for kids' safety online," and the hot coffee incident is a really good and more recent legal example of why that attitude does more harm than good.

Thing is, I'm not inherently opposed to the establishment of an AO rating. It makes a sort of sense to distinguish between M and AO in video games for the same reason you distinguish between R and NC-17 in cinema. M has your typical expectations for a game for adults like overt sexuality and realistic violence and substance use etc, AO takes it to the next level with more specific content warnings like for pornographic content or realistic gore.

What i am opposed to is how getting slapped with an AO rating is like becoming a games industry pariah. It's almost treated like a punishment, and it will haunt your studio and developers and stay with you for years. Its led to studios who make M-rated games tiptoeing around the ESRB to avoid ANYTHING that could even be remotely argued as AO-deserving to the point where Bethesda doesn't even allow nsfw mods on their official modder's platform. And it's not really because Bethesda gives a shit if someone mods their personal copy of Skyrim to give the dragons big dicks or whatever, it's because even the actions of completely independent consumers could put them through what Rockstar went through with San Andreas. I don't think any studio really cares what their players do with their copies on their own time, but it's the studio's ass on the line if anything at all could trigger another day in court.

Not to mention that, because of how hot coffee played out, retailers refuse to stock AO rated games. You can't find them in gamestop, or on steam, or any third party platform digital or physical. The vast majority of gamers get their games through third party retailers, meaning you've not only socially doomed a studio, but also given them a financial death sentence. Do you think the average person knows how to get their hands on an AO rated game? Or will be committed enough to getting one that they'll ask reddit and sift through hundreds of comments looking for the one person with the answer and not asking the same question?

And even if all AO rated games were quite literally just porn like their reputation tends to suggest, does it matter? Isn't it still censorship when you are taking a particular type of media and saying through all but title that it's not allowed to be made or stocked on anybody's shelves because it might corrupt the children, especially when they aren't meant for children in the first place? And as hot coffee showed us, that content doesn't even have to be in the accessible game files to trigger a lawsuit, you could have to hack it to get it and they would still call it a corrupting force that needs to be punushed.

The AO rating is disingenuous. It's just a way to punish studios for making games for adults that conservative parents don't like because they can't be bothered to parent their own children. It's stifling creativity by limiting the scope of what studios are allowed to make and keeping the whole industry in a state of perpetual fear of what the backlash will be if their game content in their GAME FOR ADULTS is considered "too inappropriate for children." And even when they are just porn games, it's not your business what adults want to play in their free time. It's still censorship when it's just porn, and it's not a game studio's responsibility to protect your children beyond slapping a label on the box saying it's not meant for kids.

Would anyone like my rant on the AO ESRB rating after i do my dishes

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

do you think we should forgive people who havw hurt us? even if they aren't sorry or even aware of the hurt theyve caused? you dont hava to respond to this if you dont want to , but i am just thinking, is it actually wise to let specific people exist in my life , (a parent) when they are delusionally unaware of the lifelong damage theyve caused me (and will never understand), or anyone really. Is there a point in.. getting angry, when they oncr again show that they really dont know or care. Still, i enjoy talking to them. So im thinking that maybe forgiving would be better . but i feel like that way i might be gaslighting myself. Have you ever read anything on this?

there is a good book on this anon, "adult children of emotionally immature parents", u can read it online for free if u google the PDF. it is monumentally eye opening. other than that, i can speak from my own experience w/ my parents. i'll put it under readmore cus im bout to get a lil personal;

so, basically, i have one parent, my mom, because my dad has been dead for over 15 years. my parents were alcoholics who worked full time dead end jobs and we never had a close relationship, but i was closer to my dad. when he died, my mom absolutely lost her mind, like, maybe this is dramatic but i do pretty much consider myself an orphan because in 2006 i lost both of them. my mom chose booze, despite the fact that it made her act completely volatile and disturbed, she chose the liquor over me n my sister. my sister is an extrovert and she started spending All her time at other ppl's houses so i was constantly alone with my mom. the emotional abuse she dealt me after my dad's death i think are the wounds within me that truly can never be healed. worse than having to watch him die. my mother would berate me for everything i did, my appearance, the fact i was flunking school, my friends, and most of all, she would always remind me that i am a bad daughter who doesn't love her enough. once i started w the suicide attempts her abuse and guilt trips only got worse. i made a lot of reckless decisions just trying to get away from her. i still feel immeasuable guilt that she is my only living parent but i can't be her daughter. i havent seen her in 3 years..

now that the context is out of the way, here's how i feel about forgiveness: you HAVE to forgive. you have to. for your own sake. to free yourself. for me, when im so so belligerently angry at my mom, i imagine her as a child. i think of her childhood where she was born to a 16 y/o polish ww2 orphan girl and a 17 y/o fatherless boy who had already been thru several detention camps + was forced to join the navy to avoid jail time. i think of the stories she'd tell me from her childhood where she constantly moved from trailer park to trailer park, the caretaker of her 3 younger sisters while her parents worked, her dad often disappearing for months at a time w no explanation, her mother in and out of psych wards. she's always casually bringing up how her parents would beat her if the trailer wasn't spotless when they got home. she was mercilessly bullied at school for being poor so she's never had many friends. she never got any education and has worked retail/cashier positions her whole life. she had to watch her husband slowly waste away, then go right back to work so we could just barely afford to eat. i think of all these factors and it's so so easy to forgive her, despite it all. like if i could reach into her chest and grab her heart and pour all of the forgiveness inside of me into her body just so she could feel happy and light for one single day, i would do it. we are all so broken and forgiveness is the only way we can ever put things back together.

that being said anon...i still have an immensely hard time talking to her. every time we talk on the phone she immediately just starts dumping all of her problems onto me, like how she used to do when i was a kid and she was drunk. she refuses to acknowledge she could ever possibly benefit from therapy. she can't even begin to acknowlege the ways she hurt and abused me. she is deeply, deeply emotionally immature. when i talk to her it rly feels like im talking to a severely damaged child. our conversations are short. i dont tell her anything about my life, i never have. we'll never be close, i've accepted it. sometimes i have days where i'm so angry at her that im ready to send myself to the psych ward over it. but the damage is done, it cant be taken back, only moving forward. and at the end of the day, i forgive her. and i want her to be ok.

i'm not sure what's happened to you with your parent anon, but just know, you can forgive from afar, you don't have to keep engaging with them if they continuously harm you. i really really reccomend reading adult children of emotionally immature parents. its only like 200 pages and you'll fly through it. like i said, available for free as a pdf online. i wish you the best anon and im sorry you have to go thru this but you're not alone. #<333

[kittyphoenix12-xx]

Hi!

About that why did you get billy hate poll... Personally i dont post about billy or harringrove so i never had any hate targeted at me, and i cant vote in zhe poll because of it. BUT i had to block so many accounts and tags because i couldnt go into the billy hargrove tag without encountering these mile long posts about how awful we all are. I know you know these posts too well, so i wont detail how according to the antis we are all racist assholes. The worst part is that when i first joined the fandom i saw so many of these that i almost believed them. You know, when a bunch of people are all saying the same bs but you start to doubt yourself, it really sucked. It effected me enough thst i had a hard time "confessing" to my real-life (aka not online) friends who are casual fans of the show that he was my favourite character. And the funny part is most of them couldnt even care less, cause being such a passionate anti for a fictional character and writing 10k essays on how awful that FICTIONAL CHARATER is and therefore his fans and the actor too IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR! It is as chronicly online as it gets. There was only one friend of mine who was suprised and since she is a very opinionated person started to explain to me how SHE COULD NEVER LOVE HIM and she is suprised that i care about him. I tried to explain to her that i know that he behaves like an asshole but its due to his background and i believe would he have gotten the same treatment as steve he could have been redeemed, i was hit with the classic tonedeath answer:

Well my home life wasnt sunshine and puppies either but i dont go around beating up kids

At that point i just gave up in arguing honestly and then i felt like an idiot for not putting up more of a fight, cause this made it feel like her argument i agreed with. God.

I love billy so much, but all this negativity that comes with being in the fandom just drains me.

my dear anon, you are absolutely correct and i hope you have a lovely day.

i confess that when i first watched stranger things, i didn't like billy that much. and i handled that by not engaging with media about him, you know, like a normal person. this was just after s2 came out so i wasn't active on tumblr, i wasn't writing fanfiction, i wasn't in the fandom (and I'm glad let me tell you). but i was also thirteen and related to max more than billy, but the older i got, the more mature and aware i became of just the world in general.

in my humble opinion, the vocal billy antis are ignorant. they don't want to a conversation, they don't want to discuss nuance or entertain the idea of people unlearning things.

we've reached a place in this world where racism and homophobia and ableism are so prevalent that people forget that these things are taught and can therefore be unleant. because a lot of the real life people don't want to unlearn, or can't.

and that idea as spread into fandom spaces. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but the fact that people's response to children/teenagers saying racist/homophobic things is to immediately call for their death is a bad thing actually. and yes, it's spread to characters as well.

it's all performative. i made that poll just to see how performative antis are and, yeah, the results aren't great.

another thing i've noticed about people in general is that they tend to hate characters that exhibit their *embarassing* flaws. media that has racist/homophobic characters in the bad positions aren't really loved by people who hold those views.

^^^^ i think this summarises what i'm trying to say. no one wants to be the bad guy, so when they see something that forces them to confront that part of them, they push it away, deny it.

billy/harringrove stans have been harrassed, told to kill ourselves, called slurs and yet the people who say those things think they're right because they can't fathom being wrong.

so, anon, what i've learnt from my six months in this fandom, is to embrace it. yea billy was going to hit the kids with his car, i actively encourage that now. yea billy was going to kill everyone, he should've killed them all.

but no matter what, we love and support each other. so feel free to ramble in my ask box whenever, start posting on your blog about billy, do whatever you want.

they don't matter to us. they can't matter to us. fandom should be safe and it should be fun and those people are making themselves miserable. and that isn't our fault and it isn't our problem.

[yallmakemyassitch]

https://yallmakemyassitch.tumblr.com/post/690700711800012800/yeah-man-i-really-dont-like-bandage-either-im

Don't play dumb.

You're a fucking asshole and you harass people, making them look like a complete dumbass in front of a lot of people.

You literally condoned this harassment and allowed someone else to come in your inbox and harass them as well.

Here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/yallmakemyassitch/690706471931052032?source=share

You're a terrible person. You didn't even apologize. You didn't even do anything to stop the harassment. You didn't do shit.

You're probably the anon that harassed them in the first place.

And saying "no you aren't" isn't enough information sweetie. You're gonna have to prove it.

If you delete this ask or don't acknowledge anything and add an anime gif like you always do, it's gonna be proof that you don't care about others feelings.

Nobody thinks your funny. All you're doing is allowing online harassment to continue and you want to make that person feel more shitty.

That's all you fucking want.

Bitch.

This was something that I did as a joke between friends. I wasn't trying to make Max feel like a dumbass, I just wanted to go "haha bandage joke". I already apologized to them personally and unlike you, I'm actually willing to confront the problem and attempt to fix it. You won't get an anime gif because now is not the appropriate time for that.

And no, it was you that started harassing them first, I never harassed a soul here. I know you're the same anon based on the way you write and the tone you have. I've never condoned online harassment, literally because of you, there has been a whole movement dedicated to the support of Max. Everyone started making butler ocs because they realized how bullshit your argument of "Felix = she owns the right to make butler ocs".

Besides I'm sure you even saw that it was a joke and decided to use that as ammunition to break Max down. This went from a stupid gag into something serious and I won't tolerate it. Shame on you, you're the real bitch here. All I want is to have fun with my friends, draw, and laugh with them, not deal with anons like you. You honestly should feel ashamed of yourself, the way that you interact with others on this site is an embarrassment to society.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Jkkrs are trying really hard to cling on to any jkk crumbs and its embarrassing fr.

Like theres too many clear happy 2gether tkk pics for jkkrs to go around gloating abt pics where u need to strain ur eyes to find the other half of ur ship and the one pic that is actually clear :😐😄

I have really become detached from jkk since early this year ... it's like jikook aren't joking anymore and that made me sad for sometime but now I'm just indifferent.

Minimoni and jihope are comfortable and peaceful. I keep seeing the older clips of them and it's so obvious how they were the ones JM went to when he needed to unload ...I dont think JK was ever that person for JM.

I also think JK JM if they ever were together probs have broken up but still are cordial and it will remain that way

So

- the anon was talking about the w korea pics where u can see jk’s arm in one solo jimin pic and another of 3J in one frame but i personally dont think this means a lot there’s pics of them beside other members too

---

First anon, you kind of sound like a taekooker with "half of your ship" but overall I agree with you, and I also agree with the comment about minimoni and jihope and that jikook would stay friends. At least for the cameras, they would be polite at best with each other.

I wasn't online so when I saw the message I went to check army updates accounts to see if there were some photos that I hadn't seen and correlated to what anon said, but there wasn't any 😅

"Lingering around each other the whole party" said the last anon, when there are many photos of taekook jinkook hopekook together and Jimin is nowhere near them. So how is it realistic to say they were lingering around each other all the time? Not to mention that we know for a fact Jimin was talking with Jessi for 40 minutes and Jessi doesn't seem to have talked to Jungkook that much or at all, so that's already one hour they weren't together.

If they were so stuck together the whole party you'd think there would be at least ONE photo? But there's none except for the one with their boss. On the other hand, there are several photos and even videos of Jimin with Eunwoo and the other actor, those are people Jimin seems to have hung out with. Meanwhile JK has photos with a lot of people too, so JK was also spending time with other people. I know photos don't always mean that they talked or whatever, maybe it was just a hey what's up let's take a picture, but that person's logic was -> there's a photo so they were together all the time.

I don't even care about this stuff, and I know better than to expect them to acknowledge each other in public spaces like that, as if harry styles concert Wasn't telling enough, but it's always been like this. It was just anon's ask that was annoying because there's literally no reason for anyone to think "they were around each other for the whole party" and treat me condescendingly because I said they spent 0.00001 seconds together. I don't know what I was supposed to say like?? Okay, you've successfully changed my mind, they spent 0.00003 seconds together.