#because a child needs a mother and a father and if not a mother a full time stay at home dad

[pinkpabli]

Anakin looking for a father figure in someone that doesn't know what a father figure is is so tragic. Obi-Wan grew up in a community with children and adults alike, in an environment that didn't have familiar love but loyalty to one's duty: the Masters grew attached to the children, but they couldn't give that "parental love" simply because none of the Jedis know what being loved by parents truly feels like -- they have been taken from their parents from a very young age, after all.

But Anakin was different from most students. He grew up with a mother on a planet that had families in it. Even grewing up a slave, he had the opportunity to look around and see that, in most families, a child had two parental figures. When he was taken away, he had to give away his mother's love but he probably thought he could find a love similar to that with the Jedis. He was supposed to be Qui-Gon's padawan - an older man with experience - but ended up with barely adult Obi-Wan, someone that was not ready to be separated from his master. Anakin ended up latching to him and choosing him as a father figure, in the same way Obi-Wan felt like Anakin was a little brother to take care for after their benefactor's demise. Obi-Wan thought he needed to take care of him for Qui-Son's sake, while Anakin grew up under the impression that Obi-Wan was raising him.

Obi-Wan was not ready, and even if he were of age to truly be a Master, he couldn't have been a father either way. He didn't have the mental system to even think of being a father, because what is a father, really? I can't be something that i never experienced.

AND i think Obi-Wan thought of him as a brother, as an egual, also because he thought that's what Anakin needed. From a slave to a free man: who wouldn't want to be treated like SOMEONE, finally? But Anakin wanted - NEEDED - something more. He needed that love that was taken away from him in favour of destiny. That same love Obi-Wan never even tasted.

there's thousands of layers

[abbysimsfun]

Sims In Bloom: Generation 2 Pt. 185 (Pearl in the City)

At the age of nine, Pearl Richards received placeholder admission to the San My Ballet Company - the professional arm of the ballet school she'd attended since she was five years old. Most dancers who entered the company as Junior Students needed to audition, but Pearl was a prodigy. She'd already been getting special mentorship from several of the older students for years.

The San My Ballet Company knew they'd lose her to another somewhere else if they didn't hold a place for her, but Pearl didn't take it for granted. Every day since she received her offer of admission, she practiced at every possible opportunity to be sure she was ready when she turned thirteen.

Whether practicing in the performing arts centre's dingy old basement, the updated school studio, or her bedroom, Pearl never stopped dancing. If her mother or grandmother asked her to help with dinner, she inevitably ended up practicing her moves in the hallway. She was so consistent, her father and brother couldn't resist teasing her from time to time.

"Look at us? We're ballerinas, too!" Darrell said, cackling as he and Gavin moved decidedly unlike ballerinas while she tuned them out. She practiced her "stage face" as often as her moves.

She was fairly skilled at ignoring Darrell when he'd try to distract her from her combinations by peppering her with questions.

"Pearl, did you want to hear a joke? What's a ballerina's favourite day of the year? February 2nd because it's 2/2! What do you think would happen if you stopped dancing for five minutes? How do you stand on your toes after you broke two last year?"

Eventually, his game of questions always wore thin. "Mom! Dad! Darrell's being annoying!" she would yell, and they'd come in to find him something else to do.

Pearl, of course, could see no future but one in which spotlights illuminated her as she moved across the biggest stages in the world. Her name would be synonymous with ballet far beyond San Myshuno, and sims would travel from far and wide to see her dance.

Dylan and Gavin were supportive of their daughter's talent and passion, but they also tried to steer her toward other interests. They knew ballet was a small and competitive industry rife with injuries, and they wanted to prepare their daughter for any possible outcome as she chased her dreams.

When she wasn't at school or practicing ballet, she was often volunteering her time down at the Soup Kitchen. Now that she was almost thirteen, she spent less time with the kids at the shelter and more time helping with chores to keep the place running smoothly.

But while Gavin coached Darrell on the basketball court in the yard, disinterested Pearl usually found herself practicing her dance moves.

The family had surprising news when Dylan learned she was expecting a third child. Darrell was already ten years old; she and Gavin had thought they were past the diaper stage. But they welcomed the news with the encouragement of Dylan's mother, Susan, who lived in the spare bedroom of their apartment.

The tiny place they'd lived in when Pearl and Darrell were younger was a dive they quickly outgrew, but even though they now had a much bigger place in a well-kept historical building in the Arts Quarter, everyone was a little bit worried about adding a needy infant to the family's fairly organized chaos.

After her closest friend, Ash Landgraab, moved back to Brindleton Bay following the death of his grandfather, Dylan caught Pearl frowning before dinner. "Mrs. Landgraab said you asked about Ash at the studio today. Do you miss him?"

"I don't miss him that much," she argued. "But he used to come to the shelter with me and no one else wants to help."

"None of the other kids at school want to volunteer with you?"

"No. Cristal and Noemi Zest said they'd come before Ash moved back, but now they're too busy with all their dogs and the dancer they're hosting for the Company."

"That's the boy from Evergreen Harbour, isn't it? Charlie Wise?"

She nodded. "I haven't met him yet."

Dylan forced a smile, hoping her daughter might catch it. "Well, you will soon. And you'll see Ash again. He'll be back to visit the Landgraabs before too long."

"It's not about Ash, Mom!" She rolled her eyes. "I know I'll see him again."

Dylan let her moody daughter have a moment to herself, heading to the kitchen to help Susan get dinner on the table.

The arrival of her baby sister, Felicia, led to a joyous but hectic few months in the Richards household, which meant a quiet birthday celebration at home when Pearl became a teenager.

Susan made three matcha tea cakes for her health conscious, dance machine granddaughter (because she took a slice of the first and Darrell took a slice of the second before Pearl could blow out the candles, to my utter delight 🙃), and Pearl aged up with her family cheering her on.

Pearl grew into a beautiful teen ballerina with drive to spare, and she set her focus on her dreams for the future with the full support of her loving family. ->

<- Previous Chapter | Gen 2 Start | Gen 2.1 Summary

Gen 1 Start | Gen 1 Summary

NOTE: If you read on Wednesday that Pearl still needed to audition because I was supposed to change that line before it posted (I changed it roughly an hour or so after it was posted!), know that I considered having her audition but ultimately decided there was no suspense to it because I've been talking for ages about what a prodigy she is. I was always going to give Pearl the professional ballet career from @janesimsten's Ballet mod! Now that she's in high school full-time, she also spends evenings at her new job. That's dedication!

NOTE 2: Shout out to @changingplumbob for approving the appearance of Natasha Lobo (originally created by @bloomingkyras) as Pearl's older student mentor in the opening photos. I love Natasha, so thank you for letting me keep her canon to my sims' timeline, too! And we have a reappearance of the spa/studio Barre Raized by @oimygiblets, which is such a great build! Thank you for creating pixel people and pixel boxes I can play with!

NOTE 3: Felicia Richards is the first baby born in my game's latest boom, by the way. First of many to come, including both Pleasant twins! But who else?? 🤔

[smoulderingocean]

"I don't get to have what I want."

Out of all the sad, heartbreaking, soul crushing things Nick has said, I think this has to be the worst of them all. Because it isn't just about wanting but not getting to be with June or being a good man. It's about his whole life, where nothing has gone well and where he has rarely gotten what he needs, never mind what he wants.

He didn't get the healthy, happy start in childhood that he needed and wanted. He wanted a family, but it was torn apart by violence, poverty, addiction, and abandonment. His mother wanted him to go to school, and Nick himself seems to long for education, but it never happened because his mother left and then the Sons of Jacob took over. He just wanted to support his family, but was recruited in by a destructive cult and everything fell apart.

Then he gets to Gilead. He keeps his head down, depriving himself of the human contact and connection he longs for so deeply. Eventually he meets June and falls in love with her. He wants a normal relationship with her if she wants it as well, but it's immediately stained by Serena forcing them to reproduce. June does choose to be with him and they have something beautiful for a time, but his own fears about them both ending up on the wall put a temporary pause on things as he withdraws even though he doesn't really want to do that. June becomes pregnant with their child and he helps to send them away to safety (trying more than once) knowing he'll probably never see them again even though all he wants is to be a family. Nick wants to marry June, that much is very clear, but he is married off to someone else against his will, not just once, but twice. Nick wants to be a good father, but is never given the opportunity to do so in the active, present way that he truly wants- not with Holly or Hannah or even with this coming child with Rose. I think one secret wish that Nick has carried, one so deep down that he barely even allows himself to think of it, is to not just be a family with June, Hannah, and Holly, but to grow and expand that family by having another baby. Instead he has no choice but to have a child with a woman from a dangerous family that he doesn't want to be with and that brings out all sorts of difficult, complicated feelings that bring up his own childhood trauma and make it seem even less likely that he gets to be the good man that he wants to be.

Nick has wanted to be safe and good for as long as he's been alive, but the world hasn't made it easy or even possible at times, so it's no wonder that when he's at his absolute lowest, down deeper and darker in the trenches than he ever has been in his life, that he cannot see it as something remotely possible.

Nick's lack of belief in ever getting what he wants isn't him wallowing in self-pity, it's him admitting what he believes to be completely true: his life has been a never-ending barrage of disappointments and he doesn't expect it to change, so he's going to survive by keeping his head down. By verbalizing that he doesn't ever get what he wants, even just the simplicity of being a good man, then he believes he cannot be hurt when it does not happen as he does not allow for himself to even hope for the possibility. It is such a particularly sad way to live as Nick is denying himself all the joys and connections and hope that makes life more than just surviving.

Which is why that is going to change: Nick is going to get what he wants for a rare change, and not only that, but it will be in a way that gives him hope and allows for him to reach his full potential as someone who is good, kind, and brave.

[pinkpabli]

Putting this here as well because this post brings so many good points!!

Anakin looking for a father figure in someone that doesn't know what a father figure is is so tragic. Obi-Wan grew up in a community with children and adults alike, in an environment that didn't have familiar love but loyalty to one's duty: the Masters grew attached to the children, but they couldn't give that "parental love" simply because none of the Jedis know what being loved by parents truly feels like -- they have been taken from their parents from a very young age, after all.

But Anakin was different from most students. He grew up with a mother on a planet that had families in it. Even grewing up a slave, he had the opportunity to look around and see that, in most families, a child had two parental figures. When he was taken away, he had to give away his mother's love but he probably thought he could find a love similar to that with the Jedis. He was supposed to be Qui-Gon's padawan - an older man with experience - but ended up with barely adult Obi-Wan, someone that was not ready to be separated from his master. Anakin ended up latching to him and choosing him as a father figure, in the same way Obi-Wan felt like Anakin was a little brother to take care for after their benefactor's demise. Obi-Wan thought he needed to take care of him for Qui-Son's sake, while Anakin grew up under the impression that Obi-Wan was raising him.

Obi-Wan was not ready, and even if he were of age to truly be a Master, he couldn't have been a father either way. He didn't have the mental system to even think of being a father, because what is a father, really? I can't be something that i never experienced.

AND i think Obi-Wan thought of him as a brother, as an egual, also because he thought that's what Anakin needed. From a slave to a free man: who wouldn't want to be treated like SOMEONE, finally? But Anakin wanted - NEEDED - something more. He needed that love that was taken away from him in favour of destiny. That same love Obi-Wan never even tasted.

I feel like it's not addressed enough that Obi-Wan was so not ready for Anakin at the end of TPM. He wasn't quite ready to be a Knight, let alone take a Padawan, let alone Anakin.

Like, imagine you're 25 years old, already dealing with plenty of issues from your shitshow of a teen-to-young-adult experience when your Master - your father, your friend, your teacher, your guardian of 12 years, who you didn't always have the best relationship with but goddamn it you tried so hard and overcame so much to get to where you are - is literally murdered in front of you by a fucking demon, the ancient bogeymen of all your childhood stories who are suddenly very real and killing the people you love. Everyone looks at you now with so much awe and fear because, in a haze of grief and panic, you managed to become the first to kill a demon in a millennium - which is somehow that's enough of a qualification to immediately graduate your apprenticeship with full honours even though you never actually got the chance to finish it. Five minutes of pure terror turned your life upside down, and now you have to shoulder the burdens of a knighthood that you know you're not ready for, and find some way to live with the crushing expectations that come with your newfound, accidental and very unwanted semi-legendary status. And, if that wasn't enough already, within 24 hours of all this going down, you're also legally responsibly for raising a hyperactive 9 year old ex-slave Child of Prophesy with crippling CPTSD and more power than god. You somehow, somehow have to raise this boy to be both a good Knight - which you haven't had a chance to figure out how to be yourself yet - and a functional person - which was never and easy thing for you to be but is getting harder by the day. You desperately want to do right by your new Padawan and honour your Master's dying wish but you're not ready for any of this, you didn't ask for it, and you're trying so hard to not repeat Qui-Gon's mistakes whilst also being painfully aware that you can never live up to what he could have been. Then there's homework and missions and nightmares and you worry that Anakin isn't making friends and you haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in weeks and the President of the Galaxy is pressuring you for some Private Alone Time with your child -

How the fuck is anyone supposed to handle that?

[holylulusworld]

Daddy’s best friend (4)

Summary: You come home for the last time before finishing your study. Bad timing. Not only does your father’s best friend occupy your room, but your father has a new woman by his side too. 

Pairing: Ari Levinson x brat!Reader

Warnings: language, angst, your father is an ass, Sunny is the worst, mentions of toxic relationship, tension, daddy kink, arguments, protective Ari, hurt & comfort

A/N: It's been a long time...

Catch up here: Daddy’s best friend (3.5)

Daddy’s best friend masterlist

It’s hard and painful to look around your room. You called this place home for as long as you remember, and now these memories are tainted by a blonde bitch.

Ari gently places his hand on your shoulder, making you flinch as you were lost in thought.

“You don’t have to be here,” he murmurs and pats your shoulder. “I can do this for you. Please let me know what you would like to take with you."

“It’s time to grow up, right?” You huff and look around your room. So many memories, good and bad, hidden in one room. “I don’t need the furniture. We will look through the rest. What I don’t take with me, we can throw away.”

“Where do we start?” Ari softly asks. He looks around the room, feeling sad for you. “I’m sorry he acted like this because of some girl.”

“I always defend him, you know,” you sniffle and wipe your eyes. “People said he made Mom leave. They accused him of cheating and being a bad husband. Some even said he hurt her.”

Ari doesn’t know what to say when you look at him with teary eyes.

“That’s…tough for a child. I’m sorry you had to lose your mom and hear the rumors blaming your father.

You look at Ari, giving him a cracked smile. “I always defended him. Dad was my hero for raising me alone, and I didn’t mind that he brought women home. Even the ones half his age. He never once put them first. Now he changed so much, and I wonder if the rumors were true.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Ari honestly says. “He never talked about your mother, and I never asked. It’s a guy’s thing, you know.”

“Yeah, I get it,” you grumble before turning your attention back toward the task. “We should start with the heavy stuff. My books and photo albums.”

“Got it.” Ari is happy to start packing and stop talking about the painful memories. “I’ll get some more boxes.”

You nod and start putting the first books into one of the boxes Ari carries upstairs. There’s no use in waiting for your father to come to his senses.

This time it’s different. This time, he seems to have lost his mind while fucking Sunny’s brains out. This time, he chose someone else over you—his daughter.

While you try to pack your things as fast as possible, Ari walks back into your room with more boxes. “Alright, what do you want me to pack?”

“You could start with the shelf over there. All books come with me. I need to check on the rest first.”

“I’m your man,” Ari jokes and gets to work. He takes the books off the shelf while you get a box out from under your bed. “The juicy stuff?” He asks when you look through the stuff in the box.

“Pictures of my mom and other shit,” you reply with a shrug. “I guess I’ll take it with me. Irreplaceable memories and such.”

“It’s better to keep it and decide what to do with it later,” Ari easily agrees. He works fast and packs more books and your photo albums, while you move to your wardrobe to look through your clothes.

“Hmm…no…yes…no,” You throw clothes all over the room, only taking the ones your father never liked. Sunny can wear the ones he bought for you from now on. “Ari, can you empty the commode next? I’ll take all of my lingerie with me.”

“Lingerie,” he growls, immediately turning to open the first drawer of the commode. “Silk, lace…” Ari is having fun rummaging in your drawer.

“Ari, don’t get distracted. I promise you can play with my panties as much as you want to after we leave this shitty place,” you tut and go back to packing more of your things.

“I want to see you in all of them.” He laughs when you blow him a kiss. “I mean it, sweetness. All I can think about is ripping them off your cute ass.”

“Naughty,” you coo, and wiggle your ass. “Let’s get the job done, and we can leave this place and never look back.”

Your father doesn’t even spare you as much as a glance when you walk out of the house, your last duffle bag tucked under your arm.

Ari carried everything out of the house, and his friends helped put it into the truck.

While you glance at your father, he’s busy chatting with Sunny. They truly have no shame. It feels like your father is celebrating your departure.

“Well, this is goodbye, Father,” you snap at your father, making him flinch. “I hope your whore is worth it. When she has had enough of you, I won’t be around to pick you up again. Fuck you!”

“Honey bunny,” your father sighs, but you don’t look back. Walking away is the only way to cope with the pain you feel. You’re not sad or even mad—you’re disappointed, and that’s even worse.

Ari takes the bag out of your hand, glaring in your father’s direction.

“Y/F/N, I’ll take care of Y/N from now on. Don’t worry. She’ll be better off without a father forgetting about his daughter for some pussy.”

“Uh—are you sure?” Looking around Ari’s guestroom, filled with all your belongings, you are suddenly aware that you have invaded his home. “I can leave and spend the summer at my apartment.”

“No,” Ari stops you from leaving. He grabs your hands to place them on his chest. “We will make this work, okay. If you want to be only friends, we can do that too. No catch, Y/N. I’m here to help.”

“Here to help, huh?” You drop your eyes to his crotch. “What about that grand prime dick you promised to me?” Dropping your hand to his crotch, you cup him roughly. “I think we should celebrate. I moved in with you the best way possible…”

Tags in reblog.

[jellazticious]

Got any Joel or Sophie headcannons?

I was saving these for when I make a lineup buttttt hell yeah, here you go

but also these aren't cutesy hcs if that's what you're looking for. More of a dive with their characteristics

Joel The Teeth Child

He's got Indian blood

A teeensy tiny bit of a clean freak. Papineau gave him a position, he was weirded out by the roaches giving him a cup, and he was brushing SO hard at the first interaction.

Parents probably tried to teach him a little bit of french but it fell off

Considered a model student in class. He's smart, he's obedient, he's kind, and he acts more mature. Joel doesss have positive views about school from his dialogue

Genuinely a good kid, a good brother

But despite the emotional stability he has this layer of denial, could be because getting afflicted gives people a sense of numbness about their transformation or it could be because Joel himself is coping for some normalcy again

Honestly it probably is the latter since he cracks and says he doesn't want to go home if told to leave. He doesn't know exactly what happened but he knows there's nothing to go back to anymore

He would listen to anyone telling him anything actually. He knows how its like to live with a big family and he already misses the one he had

Joel does not ever stop thinking of Sam as his neighbor. He can't, not that Sam isn't a father figure but because he loves his family too much despite changing

Sophie the Little Menace

She's actively encouraged to act the way she does. Harriet WANTS her to stand up for herself

They probably just moved in the apartment building after getting away from the dad

She doesn't have a lot of friends and some kids have thought she was a bully

Her mother is right that she's a good kid. She's probably autistic too which is why she can get too rowdy or too careless but she IS capable. Just be nice to her, is all

She's attached to her slingshot enough to have Harriet mention that she carries it around. Her favourite toy

Everything she can do in combat is all because of what Harriet taught her. Sophie understands what she needs to do because she was told that it's just like the games she plays

Another part of understanding is using the dad situation as an example. "Just like what mommy does when..." The little girl absolutely sees her mom as a role model. She wants to be as tough as her

Maybe she already is. Maybe she's gonna be tougher, way tougher down the line

She definitely has her mother's nose

Sophie will remember Sam for being the weirdest babysitter she's ever had 💥💥💥

[thatone-girly]

Girl!Dad Adonis…

tw! || mentions of stillbirth

From the moment you announced you were pregnant, everyone and their mothers claimed your child would be a fighter. Even when it was found out that she was a girl, it was said by everyone that she’d be a fighter just like her daddy.

You absolutely hated it.

Seeing the devastating effects boxing had on your husband, you didn’t want your child to even think about stepping into a ring. Hell, you barely wanted her to know her father was a boxer.

But even if you hated to admit it, your baby was a fighter.

She was a fighter from the moment she was born.

When she came into the world in silence, there was an immediate panic. You panicked, Adonis panicked, Both of your mothers panicked, everyone panicked. You constantly asking, “Why isn’t she crying?”, while crying yourself and getting no response from doctors only enhanced the chaos in the room.

Adonis, panicking himself while trying his best to console you quickly grew angry at the lack of answers. His already short fuse burned out quicker than normal as he bunched the shirt of the male nurse in his palm and yanked him toward his own angered frame asking, “What the fuck is goin’ on? You don’t hear my wife askin’ questions? Huh? Why my baby ain’t cryin’?”

You were too busy in distress to calm Adonis down as you normally would, so his mother took that task instead while your mother stepped in to take Adonis’ place consoling you.

Then finally, after the longest 45 seconds of your lives, your baby girl cried. It was the greatest sound ever heard.

The second he heard his baby cry, Adonis was wrapped around her little finger, and it only got worse when he was finally able to hold her nearly an hour after she was born.

He had always joked that she was gonna be the ultimate daddy’s girl, but you were 1000 percent sure now more than ever that revelation would come true. Especially after her birth scare.

You knew you were in from some trouble when her nonstop cries halted the moment she was placed in his arms. You could just tell he’d be a sucker for her when you saw the stream of tears fall from his eyes just by looking at her. And when you guys were finally able to go home, it was mommy who?

Adonis spoiled that girl rotten.

She was always in his arms, and when she wasn’t, she’d cry her little eyes out until she was cradled in his hold again.

You barely lifted a finger during the newborn stage.

When she needed to be fed and you were too tired to breastfeed, Adonis was quicker than lightning warming up her bottles. When she needed her diaper changed, he was on it faster than you could say diaper. Oh, and don’t let you try to get up in the middle of the night when she cried. That was the quickest way to get went off on.

“Lay down, woman. I got it.”, he would say.

It was no use trying to argue with him on the matter, and you weren’t complaining about getting rest, so you’d listen and lay back down.

Nothing changed as she got older. As she grew, so did their bond as father and daughter. His finger was her favorite teething ring when her first tooth began to come in. When she took her first steps, she was walking to him. Do I even have to tell you what her first word was?

He was her absolute favorite playmate, and she’d always go as far as she wanted with it because the word ‘no’ wasn’t even in his vocabulary when it came to her. She wanted him to wear a frog onesie? He was wearing a frog onesie. She wanted him to be the butler for her tea party? He was gonna drape that cloth around his arm and be her butler. She wanted him to be a ballerina? He was gonna put that damn tutu on and be a ballerina.

Him refusing to tell her no didn’t just stop at their play dates. She knew very early on that when mommy said no, daddy would say yes with no hesitation, they just couldn’t let you find out. When she wanted sweets before dinner and you said no, all she had to do was give Adonis those puppy dog eyes and as soon as you turned your back, he’d slip her a piece of candy. You say no to ice cream after bed time? Adonis is slipping out of bed as soon as soon as you fall asleep to sneak his baby girl a bowl of ice cream.

The two were inseparable. You thought you would be a mess on her first day of school? Adonis put you to shame. He held himself together on the way to drop her off, but on the way back home, he was a mess. You would’ve thought she was never coming home the way he was acting.

That whole day, he watched the clock like a hawk waiting for it to strike 2 o’clock. When it finally did, Adonis basically dragged you out of the house to go and get his baby. He nearly cried again when he saw her walking out of the school smiling from ear to ear while conversing with the little curly head boy to the left of her. You had to remind him many times that the little boy was just a kid and he and your daughter were only friends since they’d just met that day, but Adonis wasn’t trying to hear any of that.

“Hell nah. Who is that lil’ nigga?”, he stressed.

Yet, all of that was set aside when she saw her father for the first time in hours. She’d forgotten all about her new friend and ran straight to her daddy.

You rolled your eyes, but inside, your heart softened.

Because as much as you hated the idea of your daughter ever stepping into a ring like her father, you had to admit—she really was a fighter.

Just not the kind everyone expected.

She fought with love. With her daddy’s heart wrapped around her tiny little finger, and a spirit strong enough to tame the fiercest man you knew.

And in her own way, that made her the toughest Creed of them all.

[nebulablakemurphy]

Everest asks y/n and Haymitch to tell Arista about when happened to them before she find out like he did. How do you think they had that conversation?

“We need to talk to you about something.”

Arista nods, taking a seat on the ottoman as the sitting room door closes.

“If at any time you need to take a minute or if you’d like for one of us to leave the room, we will do that. Whatever makes this easiest for you-”

“Ok.” Arista cuts her father off, now nervous and fidgeting herself.

“Your father and I…well you know sometimes as victors we had to perform for the cameras.” Y/N begins, taking a seat beside Haymitch on the couch.

“I remember.”

“There were other things.” Y/N looks to her husband, “that we had to do to-”

“I made a deal to keep your mother safe after she won the games.”

“What kind of deal?” Arista wonders.

“I agreed to…” I can’t say it. Not out loud. Not to her.

“President Snow would sell him to higher ups in the Capitol.” Y/N tells her daughter, rubbing circles into Haymitch’s back.

“Like for…you know?” Sex?

“Yeah, honey.”

“You can’t just sell people.” Arista huffs, looking between her parents. “It’s wrong.”

“It is,” Y/N nods. “It was.”

“Are you ok?” Arista looks to her father, eyes full of unshed tears.

Haymitch nods, “yeah, baby. I’m ok.”

“It stopped when you got married though.” Arista decides. She can live with that.

“We got married so that I wouldn’t be sold.” Y/N admits. “But we still had to…be filmed together. That footage was sold instead.”

Arista feels ill, her head is light. Stomach churning.

Y/N moves from the sitting room couch, returning with the nearby waste bin. Holding it out to Arista, who isn’t sure if she’s going to barf or pass out.

“Don’t go.” Arista insists, tugging at her hand when Y/N begins moving back to the sofa.

Y/N sits down beside her on the ottoman, facing Haymitch. His hands shift restlessly as he stares down at them. She pulls Arista closer, cradling her the way she has since she was young.

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Come.”

Haymitch forces himself to his feet, closing the space between them and seating himself on the opposite side of his daughter. Unsure of what else to do, he passes a hand over her hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Some of it was real right?” The marriage. “I mean you love each other.”

“We do,” Y/N assures her. “We love each other and that is real. It might not have started out the way we wanted, but I love your dad so much. I love you so much and I would never want a life without you in it.”

Arista nods.

“So when I say what I’m about to say, I need you to know that.”

Arista sucks in a breath, feeling her father begin to stroke her hair again, bracing her. “Ok.”

“When we’d been married for a couple months, Snow told us that we needed to have a baby.”

“He made you have Everest?” Arista blanches.

“Having a child while the games were still going on was a huge risk.” Haymitch tells her, “we didn’t want to take that risk. But we love Everest, we’ve always loved him.”

“Then why did you have me?” If her parents wouldn’t take that risk once, why a second time? Why a third?

“Because we-” Y/N breaks off.

Oh. Arista gets it now, “had to.”

“I wish you didn’t have to know all this.” Haymitch murmurs, “I wish it could’ve stayed in the past, between me and your mother; where it belongs. But if the only say we get in the matter is how you get to hear this story for the first time, then we wanted to be the ones to tell you.” Better to hear it from people who love you.

“We didn’t get to do that for Everest.” Y/N admits, “and we regret it everyday.”

“He knows you love him, Mom.” Arista says, “we all do.”

[dilly-dahlia]

"if y’all want more on specific characters just drop an ask i will gladly answer because it forces me to think about it" Okay.

Vylad.

(please)

guys i’m being so serious but Vylad has actually been so hard for me to figure out because he has such a pivotal role in my rewrite (even if he doesn’t show up for the beginning part) and i need to get like. that good feel for him which I DONT HAVE 😭😭

anyways. as opposed to the more sure “this is Vylad” post like I did with Garroth and Laurance and Dante and whoever else, this is kind of gonna be me throwing stuff at a wall and seeing what sticks. it’s also gonna be me going over some concepts i have for him, even if they’re ones i decided not to go with. you will see me connecting dots in real time. but i promise Vylad is so important and i want to get him to a point that feels right for me!!

okay so we keep the basic mcd lore. affair baby, shadow knight, brought Adelaide (Aphmau) into the world, all that. but i’m gonna start at the beginning

okay, affair baby. i very briefly entertained the thought of Vincent being his birth father, especially since I think the two could have some neat parallels and like obvious similarities yk. plus (and this is more minor) there’s the fact that like, all of the Ro’Meave kids have a name that starts with the same letter as their parents, so like… V and V. ykyk. i decided not to do that cause i feel like that’d be a useless plot line anyway. i’m thinking more like Zianna sort of had a fling with a maritime merchant that often visited O’Khasis

so it’s obvious that Vylad is an affair baby. not only because of his very different appearance compared to his brothers but also because Garte literally announced it and humiliated Zianna. i haven’t figured out the exacts of that but he publicly humiliated her to teach her a lesson

it’s also widely known that Garte hates Vylad. however despite this, Garte took Vylad in as a subtle manipulating “look how kind i am taking in a child that isn’t mine” kind of way yk?? and in the public, at least when Vylad is young, Garte seems to treat him like his own. but in private it’s clear that Garte does not see Vylad as equal to the rest of the Ro’Meave line and kind of shuns him. like he doesn’t give Vylad the same resources his brothers had, especially in academic fields. so Vylad is kind of pushed to the side. Zane kind of plays into that to appease his father

he spends a lot of time with his mother, and with Garroth when Garte allows. Zianna and Garroth actually taught him to read, which is something he’s thankful for because he doesn’t think he would have learned otherwise. Garroth was also the one that was always protecting Vylad from harsh punishments, and a large conflict for Garroth about going to the guard academy was leaving his brother to fend for himself

but Vylad and Zianna spent a lot of time together. their favorite place to frequent is Zianna’s palace garden, where she teaches him the meanings of all sorts of plants and stuff. and when Garte locks Zianna away for whatever “lesson” he’s teaching her, Vylad always finds a way in to keep talking with her. that’s how he got so good at sneaking around later as a shadow knight

okay so as he got older he was sort of excluded more and more from public events. his absence kind of solidified in peoples heads like “oh Garte DOES NOT like this kid…” but Vylad doesn’t mind because he wouldn’t consider himself to be made for these events like the rest of his family

okay so his death. it was something that was semi-planned?? so this kind of serves as a double purpose to also build tensions with Tu’la and all that. so what had happened is that a Tu’la spy infiltrated the O’Khasian guard. and that spy rose through the ranks and became one of Garte’s most trusted and Garte was eventually confiding in them that he wanted Vylad gone, even bringing up a premeditated assassination. the spy took it as an opportunity to kind of put O’Khasis against itself and took it upon themselves to kill Vylad. so his death wasn’t exactly planned, but it was on its way.

so Vylad died when he’s about 16. and he’s actually one of the reasons i have shadow knights age the way they do because I considered having him be like forever sixteen, but i didn’t really like that. i don’t remember why though because i think that’s a fire idea now i might change it…

anyway he’s 16 when he dies. that’s also another reason Garroth isn’t very happy about his marriage to Nicole, because she’s the same age his brother would be, but that’s another topic i’ve already yapped about

back to Vylad!! so he was turned into a shadow knight because it was known that he’s a Ro’Meave, or at least introduced as one. because of this, Gene and whoever else (i haven’t decided who’s in charge) resurrect him assuming he has the blood of Esmund the Protector. when they discover that he doesn’t, they also kind of discard him and hide him away

Vylad eventually breaks out. idk how. but he does. and the thing is he had devised this entire plan to start a new life for himself because he was getting tired of constantly being pushed to the side because he isn’t who people want him to be. so when he breaks out, he steals an orb and herbs that Gene had been working with to plant false memories in someone. Vylad steals this stuff, goes to the Overworld, realizes he doesn’t have a clue what to do, and goes into the sacred forest seeking the help of Hyria

his plan is to give himself a new slate. erase his memories and fabricate a new life for himself to live—one where he would never disappoint anyone or be tossed away. he asks Hyria to help him, and she agrees

before she does that, though, she starts talking to Vylad about the Divine Warriors, warning him about dangers that may come with the memory change. she kind of sort of manipulated him into instead reincarnating Irene, and she kind of used the fact that Vylad is a people pleaser that just wants to be Vylad to convince him to take Irene.

he agrees. with the help of Hyria he created a fake life for this reincarnation to have lived and experience and hides those memories in the orb he stole. and then he starts his journey to find where to place her

now obviously we know he chose near Phoenix Drop. he chose this place because he had been scouting it out for a while beforehand and actually had the suspicion that the head guard was Garroth (who had faked his death at this point, but Vylad didn’t know). so he places the staff or whatever nearby and is absolutely appalled when a whole person just comes out of it. he panics and then she starts waking up and Vylad doesn’t know what to do and he remembers the orb and very quickly does the spell Hyria told him to do

and when she wakes up the first thing Vylad says to her is “Good morning, Adelaide. How did you sleep?” and he comes up with this whole story that she’s a mercenary and then whatever else i decided that i can’t remember now

and. Vylad named her Adelaide, and he named her that because it was a name his mother loves. she always said that if she had a daughter her name would be Adelaide, so to put some goodness into this new being he named her what the most good hearted person he knows would have

and until we get a proper introduction to him in my rewrite, Vylad will be a recurring motif. i haven’t decided what exactly he’s going to mean, but he will often come to Adelaide in dreams or Adelaide will often talk fondly about the person she travelled with before settling in Phoenix Drop

overall Vylad is very insecure. he has this looming fear that everyone he comes across hates him and in an attempt to get people to like him, he ends up being a people pleaser or quiet altogether.

and that’s all i have for him 😢 i wish i had more for you anon because i love Vylad so much and he’s so important to me but alas. i hope you enjoyed this regardless

once again if you wanna know about a specific character just drop an ask! if be happy to answer :)

[owlithere]

We all know that Jason's relationships (both fanon and canon) are questionable in some way, but I just need one crack AU where Jason just stays in a relationship with all his partners at the same time. Technically and legally, not emotionally. And no, they're not poly, at least not really, mostly complicated. I want him to be married multiple times through different customs and in different countries/places and somehow not divorced properly even once.

Also, an ideal fic for this AU would be one of the types where Batfam finds out about that.

Given Jason's most popular relationships, this AU would have to include such partners of his as: Artemis, Essence, Isabel, Kyle, Rose and Roy. (Of course, I wouldn't include anyone associated with the bat clan here - because the shock wouldn't be the same.)

So let's talk about this mess - how everyone is involved:

First of all, it all started with Essence. We all know that Durca liked Jason, thought he had potential and is their chosen one. She also knew that there was something going on between him and her daughter. So she offered Essence a solution to their mother-daughter conflict, which was simply to marry this boy. He will be her son-in-law, so he will be responsible for all the things Essence doesn't want to be (or Durca doesn't want her to be) - this will also connect him more with the whole all-caste. Essence wasn't sure at first, because she would have to respect her vows if she made them, but then she thought that at some point she would have to have someone to have at least one child with to continue the all-caste legacy, and who was better than the guy she somehow liked and their chosen one. So they get married. Jason is unaware of the significance of the ceremony - he thinks they're celebrating his quick mastery of techniques. He realises it later when Essence essentially tells him (while asking) that:

From now on, if I ever want to use any civilian identity, I will introduce myself as Medea Irene Todd, do you have a problem with that?

And he doesn't, because he likes to think he's found some strange family here in the mountains. And it's not like they want him to stay there permanently - just to be part of their community. He also didn't think the marriage meant anything more than a basic bond, and he didn't think Essence intended to actually exploit it.

Then all-caste disappeared, but Essence is alive (perhaps with their child/children) and it became his problem.

Then came Rose and the first marriage of conviniece. They met on a mission, bonded quickly, noticed they had enough spark to fool around, and married to annoy Slade. Being a not-so-fake couple was supposed to help Rose become more independent. Their time together was to help build a healthier relationship between her and her father. Particularly after a divorce, when he would have been glad that his little girl had made such a wise decision. What they didn't foresee, however, was that there was a chance that Slade would want a son-in-law like Jason. And that he would fixate on the idea of having a grandchild from them. Because of this, they are still married to this day, as Slade has cancelled all their attempts to get a divorce. And he continues to hope that they will get back together. As the marriage was outside the USA they gave up with terminating it and hardly think about it. Surprisingly, apart from the persuasions to reunite with Rose, Jason continues to have a better relationship with Slade with each passing year and to this day he savours when Slade calls him his son.

Dick heard this once before the explanation and thought the hallucinations had returned.

Next up was Roy and a second marriage of conviniece, but this time in the USA. They both realised quite quickly that they needed legal documents to function properly as a unit. And what document can beat a marriage licence? None. Over the years they developed their strange relationship between love and friendship. With time, their joint legal documentation became mixed up with Roy's custody of Lian, so the idea that they might need a divorce if they met someone else was pushed further to the back of their minds. If Roy died in this AU, during the year(s) in which he remained dead, Jason would refer to himself as a widow and look after Lian (shocking the rest of the hero community when they finally noticed because they thought Lian had died earlier). Whether Roy would have died, returned, or functioned properly the whole time, their relationship would have remained at the same unidentified level. Anyone who hooked up with one or the other after they fused knew that they were balancing a poly relationship.

Maybe at some point they separated it but I doubt it.

After Roy Jason met Isabel, his only civilian girlfriend. Unfortunately, they didn't marry, but she almost became his fiancée. She liked the idea of keeping her parents at bay by marrying someone influential. However, Jason's “anti-hero” life was not for her. Neither was being possessed by one of his wives. Nevertheless, the initial plan was used several times before she found herself in a new serious relationship - making a lot of information about the two of them circulate online.

Probably even after she has started a new relationship she continues this farce, as there is little chance that she will find someone equally intimidating.

A little later Artemis appeared in Jason's life and he fell hard for her. As she had her own strange relationship with the amazons, neither of them were concerned about his martial status. While working with Bizzaro, they even came to the conclusion that they might need some paperwork and legal status to be there for Bizz. So they both got married in a random country, which also gave them the right to adopt Bizz and also according to Amazon customs, so Artemis could recognised them as her own. I'm guessing that amazons consider (in their law) a relationship with a man to be somewhat less important, which makes them both look at their relationship as something secondary - regardless of their chemistry. This means that Artemis gets her woman and can introduce herself as Artemis Grace Todd (or Wayne, if need be) and Jason can simply say that this or that is within his amazon wife's competence and introduce himself as Jason Peter Todd, the husband of Bany-Mighdall.

They are a match made in hell in terms of relationships.

Last but not least in this mix would be Kyle and their love/hate relationship that developed behind the stage. They flirted with each other many times during their hopeful days. They then met a few times while Jason was in space. While flirting they somehow got married several times through some alien culture. They realised this after Kyle Lantern's corp profile was updated. They decided to finally try dating on Earth. Kyle wasn't sure what to think about Jason's legal status. But they had a good relationship, so he decided to try and get to know the other five and then decide what to do next. At this point he decided to just go with it, because it's not like Jason is actively with all of them, mostly just Roy, and he and Roy get along surprisingly well ….

If nothing else has happened with the other partners, Kyle and his lantern's profile are the reason everyone has found out about it.

How do I imagine the batfam conversation after they found out?

Dick: And how can you know about relationships, Little Wing? You're not even in one. Jason: Technically I am in 6. Dick, after a few secounds: You are in a poly relationship... ? -- Silence in the Batcave -- Bruce, uncertainly: ..., are you happy in it? Jason, disbelieving: I am not poly. Well, not really I guess.. Tim, quicly: Why are you not certian? Jason: As I said, it is all technically… Damian, with pretension: I didn't realise you had spouses other than Essence. Who are they? Does mother know? Rest of bats, quicly: Spouses? Dick and Bruce, together: Talia knows!? Dick: Are you married and didn't invite us to your wedding?! Bruce, mumbling: Am I that bad ... Are we not getting better? Stephanie, curious: And why Damian knows?! Tim, guessing: Is it someone from the league? Jason: Actually, I'm not sure why he knows, but it's not like I knew about it from the beginning either. Cass: Explain. Jason: So like I said, I technically married Essence in my league days, but she's not exactly league. It's more like a cult of magic... We didn't divorce. Stephanie: Ok ok, but quick question. Essence is only one lady? You said there were 6? Jason: I married her and never divorced her. I married Rose and tried to divorce her 3 years later, but I'm pretty sure Slade undid it…. Dick: Slade undone your divorce... !? Jason, continuing: In the meantime, I married Roy in Vegas. So I guess I'm a widow now? Later on I met Isabel and almost proposed. We hit it off well, but then Essence possessed her, so we ended it, but stayed in touch. I'm pretty sure she's still using me as an excuse not to marry some random man that her parents prefer. Then I met Artemis. She's too Amazonian to settle down in a man's world, but she thinks I'm important, so I'm sure she married us according to their standards... Duke,quietly analysing and judging: Ok, we'll come back to Roy later, but it's still only 5 people? Jason: Nowadays I'm dating Kyle. But we also got married before we started dating in another galaxy. Several times, ...? Alfred: Master Jason, let's get this straight… You've been married over 6 times and I haven't organised a single wedding? Barbara, who has so far listened quietly: Even better, he didn't tell you about your great-grandchild(ren)...

[ladyoriza]

I have put so much thought into this! I think he took everything Heinrix told him with some salt, the crush was pretty clear so Calcazar assumed things were being embellished to make her look better.

Cause here's the thing- Izzy and her Mom have a bigass file with the Ordo Hereticus because getting them onto the Black Ship went so completely sideways that it ended up being colloquially referred to as "the halcyon incident" (Izzy was 8 and closed the warp breach that her mother jumped into to avoid her father catching them, long story. that the inquisition doesn't know). ANYWAY. Izzy was, and is, noted as a troublemaker who gave the scholastica psykana A LOT of trouble, but her power was strong and well-controlled, and she was too valuable to get rid of. They essentially speed ran her through the process and she "graduated" to the Militarium at 12. So. Calcazar knew all that going in. He knew if he ambushed her he'd trigger her trauma from being sanctioned/being a child soldier and have the upper hand.

Still, Izzy's a fighter. She still poked at him, resisted, lashed out when he threatened Idira. Despite the looming panic attack and active flashback, she refused to concede any power to him. If he wanted her scared, sure, he got it. But she made it clear that that was all he was getting.

So. He decided she was a brat, naive, unworthy of the warrant and in desperate need of "correction". He thought he could make Heinrix bring her to heel, but that backfired hilariously during and after Commorragh.

For the hell of it, what conclusions do you think Calcazar came to about your RT after the surprise questioning at the end of their Magnae Accessio?

For Ana I think he’d assume her to be rather pragmatic but also possessing a dangerously loose interpretation of the Imperial Creed, possibly borne at least partially out of an intense desire to atone for previous mistakes (and he’s not really wrong in this assessment).

[saintrvckwell]

The fair and the brave and the good must die (joel miller x platonic!reader)

joel miller x platonic!reader

summary: it felt frightening when the world gave you a second chance. but how many chances could you give joel, before it was too late?

warnings: angst at times (what a shocker with me), joel sees his daughter in reader, they travel to find her family but instead, find it in each other (sappy at times, lol almost never), reader is somewhere in her mid-teens, appearance not really specified, the father-daughter dynamic hitting as per usual, joel sabotaging himself 24/7

wordcount: 7.1k

a/n: well look at that, me releasing two pieces in one year, wow. well anyway, i got this idea last year, wrote it last year and then rewrote the ending this year. it's very much chaotic but thought the idea was cool. with the new season around, figured we need some joel x platonic!reader. well lmk what u guys think! hope u like it, it's a mess

A few months ago, if you were to describe what kind of man Joel Miller was, there probably would not be enough curse words to spit out. A few months ago, if you were to choose between saving him and saving yourself, you would probably be the one responsible for his demise. A few months ago, Joel's presence in your life was a mere part of the deal and nothing more, or less. A few months ago, you would not allow his existence carry that much importance in your life.

But now, no question needed to be asked. No hesitation on your side, no second thoughts. Just a gun in your hand, finger on the trigger, eye focused on the one who would stand in between. Because for Joel, you would not question anything. For Joel, you were prepared to walk to the edge of the universe and back. For Joel, you would lose yourself.

Not him, never.

You walk through half of the continent with someone, expecting to keep to yourself. The final destination hanging in your mind like a warning. You are not here to make friends, you are not here to share wholehearted life stories around the fire. The only reason your steps kept following Joel's, was his lead. Lead towards someone you have been searching for ever since you escaped the FEDRA school. With stolen ration cards in your back pocket and shiv attached to your belt. In the dark of the night you ran through the Boston's quarantine zone, knowing exactly who you were looking for.

He was the best at this, you kept hearing. No one had the soldiers wrapped around their finger like him. Side to side, the word didn't change. If you wanted to find someone who decided to become unwanted, he was the right fit. You bet your everything on Joel Miller. He was your one-way ticket out of this shithole. Following the same tale you had been studying since your mother died. 

Whether there was some credibility to her words, you never found out. But she made a plan for you, from one connection to another, from person onto the next one. Until you found yourself standing by his door, knocking so persistently until he could no longer pretend he was not there.

Disgruntled and annoyed, he looked at you, your hair wet from the rain, muddy clothes. He was prepared to send you away, tell you to go back where you came from. He was no babysitter, no tour guide. 

But then, you pulled out the picture. Ripped in the middle, old polaroid picture taken by your mother, you presumed. And he wondered. If it were her, looking for him. If she were to survive, get lost in the escaping crowds. Would she be standing in your place, at someone else's house, with his picture?

The salvation was something he could not decline.

Not when you kept looking at him that way. The desperation hidden behind your determined stance. The little child in the eyes of someone who had to grew up before the world did it for them. You were too much of a painful reminder to shut the door in your place. Especially once he let you come inside and saw the scars on your neck, from pulling through all the wired fences around your school. Fresh, washed down with the rain, drips of blood on your collar. It was either him or some other smuggler. Who would use the desperate adolescent asking for help.

Taking more without giving anything in return.

No, Joel made the decision. Let you lay out on the table all of the leads you had gathered over the past few weeks, from the connections your mother had left you. Day and night, he planned, he searched. And before long, he knew exactly where your father happened to be. There was a warrant on his head, not so long ago. Nothing good came his name.

Except for you.

At dawn, three days later, you set off. You noticed, second before the door shut, that he had left a note on the table. For a moment, you wondered for whom it was written but before you found the answer, Joel was already nudging into your shoulder, urging you to move faster. You had one shot at sneaking out of the zone. And although Joel had become experienced traveler over the years, he did not take your inexperience into consideration.

And thus, how the trial started.

It appeared the second you and Joel set foot out of the quarantine zone; trouble seemed to follow you everywhere. Closed calls turned out to be a daily dish and ammunition rarity that you almost never stumbled upon, unlike the traps in each city you wandered in. Just two days in and Joel started to regret not thinking this through. 

No amount of ration cards was worth saving you from every trap you managed to step into, he thought. You were a loose cannon, catastrophes seemed to walk hand in hand with you.

"How was I supposed to know it's going to be a trap?" you mumbled, whilst trying to fix the cut on your left ankle.

Joel looked up from his backpack, where, just a second ago, was trying to find what was left of his first aid kid. If he knew you would be such liability, he would pack more. No, he would not have gone in the first place.

"Common sense?" he hissed, walking over to you. "Didn't they teach you that in school?"

"No, they just taught us how to hang smugglers on the streets," you replied.

The amount of sarcasm accompanying your cutthroat response kept making it harder for Joel to maintain his calm demeanour.

Without much thought, he threw the bandage away and got up. "Fix it, smartass. We're leaving in ten minutes."

Not wanting to poke to bear any more, you hurried up and managed to join Joel back on the street. With revolver in his right hand, he looked at you, disgruntled.

"Move, we gotta make it before sundown."

You didn't know at which particular comment or situation Joel started to withdraw. His patience seemed to be running out with each day he was forced to pull you out of the trap or save you from a close call you had caused. Every time, you would be sitting on the ground, fixing up, looking at a dead point, trying to get through his scolding. He would yell, throw hands in the air, taking out all of his anger. 

At a certain point, you weren't sure whether your behaviour was truly the reason, or his chance to get everything out of his system and blame it on your recklessness.

Neither did Joel know. 

There was something so triggering about seeing you so helpless. Seeing you get into numerous troubles that could have cost you your head. He had no emotional attachment to you whatsoever, you were a business part -- if a teenager setting off with smuggler could be even called something like that. But the look, the damned look in your eyes. Each time, with each moment, his paternal instincts awakened a little more. You were a walking reminder of what he had lost, what could have been.

He would be sitting by the window, late at night, keeping the watch, wondering. How easy it would have been to take his backpack, walk through the door and never look back. No note, nothing. Go back to what he had got used to -- the stillness of life in Boston. Where nothing would remind him, nothing would pull out those rotten roots. That settled somewhere in the pits of his mind, along with the shame. No one to force him to face his mistakes.

It was odd what power your presence had in Joel's life, despite knowing nothing about you. Perhaps, when you stick to someone, twenty-four hours a day, when someone else's life depends on your actions, the fine line becomes thinner. 

Until there's none.

In certain aspects, at certain points, he could no longer tell the difference between you and Sarah. The way you quickly came to enjoy making fun of him and testing his patience. The days you spent on foot, you kept irritating the living soul out of him. You found the string to play on and there was no reason to stop. You hated the silence, that he was subtly trying to enforce.

You noticed pretty quickly the effect your comments could have on him. And, of course, you found amusement in it. The days on the road were long, especially without a vehicle so you were looking for anything that would distract the anxious thoughts in your mind. 

The longer you were gone, the more second thoughts arrived.  

You had never met your father yet here you were, travelling across the infested country to see a man who, perhaps, was not even interested in acknowledging your presence.

Why did he leave your mother? Why did he leave Boston? Did he know about you and if so, what did it say about him?

And why would your mother send you to look for someone who might not even be aware of your existence?

The answer was simple, at least according to your conclusion.

You had no one.

Your mother was the last person you had and when she died, you found yourself living in a tiny, three-bedroom dorm room at the military preparatory school. And every night, after the curfew, you kept on reading her notes. The letter she had left you. Place like that did not leave enough space to carry a hope, yet you managed to squeeze it in. But were her last words enough of a reason for you to risk your own life? Perhaps, you were about to find out.

Although, probably not from Joel.

He was not the most talkative individual. After all, his only job was to lead you to your father, collect the rest of the ration cards and head back. This was strictly a business deal, which he kept reminding himself, each time he caught glimpse of you. Looking at you made him wonder -- about you, your life. Where your parents had been. He knew that now, in the world, there were far too many children like you, wandering alone. 

Even in the Boston QZ, there would not be a day that Joel would not run into a child, sitting on the pavement, counting their last ration cards. He usually paid no mind to it, fed with false belief that he was not interested to care in the first place.

But then, there were you. And that hopeful spark you had every time you looked at him. He was there to protect you, despite the reasons. So, naturally, after years of almost forgetting how it had felt, you found comfort in Joel's presence. He could have been mean and spiteful. And you could send him to the deepest pits of hell, screaming your lungs out.

And yet, you would not turn back.

You could have screaming matches all the way through abandoned suburbs, you could slam the door in his face and ask him to go fuck himself for being such an asshole to you.

Despite the inner voice telling him to leave, he would sit down on the stairs and wait. Until an hour later, when your anger boiled down, you would open the door and go back on the road. And he would follow. And that conversation would never be brought up again.

That was the cycle.

Through the cities, through the suburbs, through the meadows, through the highways.

There were times, where Joel's patience ran over the edge, and he ended up going further than he had initially intended. Only then his falsely justified arguments came to slap him in the face. When his eyes would lock with yours and he could see how determined you were to keep your tears back. 

"You are being an asshole," you whispered, grabbing your backpack from the floor, not giving your impulsive ideas second thoughts.

Joel sighed, rubbing his chin, before he looked your way. "Where are you going?"

"Anywhere," you shrugged your shoulders, opening the doors. "Anywhere but here."

He chuckled, crossing his hands over his chest. "Good luck with that."

Your eyes fell on the cracked floor, as you let out a deep exhale. "You really are an asshole," you whispered. "Fucking asshole."

Trying so hard to keep it together, not giving him the pleasure of winning over you, you stood by the door, watching the raindrops outrunning each other. It was already dark out there, the storm was settling in the skies, as quickly as one falls asleep, and you had no idea where to go. And when you thought about it, it was probably better to draw your guns now, as opposed to coming back here, hours later, soaked and cold. Serving the win on a silver platter.

Joel waited, convinced you would not leave. He was the compass holding this plan together and besides, as he knew, you had nowhere else to go. Your father was your only remaining connection. Joel was aware of the position he found himself in. An argument he already knew was a win. But in his preoccupied mind, there was no lust for such thing.

Perhaps, not now. Not when he noticed how swiftly you wiped away the tears with your sleeves. Of course, it was not the first time that Joel had become the reason of your momentary sadness. His words managed to hit your sore spots one too many times. 

Though, why now? Why would the guilt float above the surface of his false beliefs, waving the red flag? Why now would the regrets start to squash his entire, washed-out being?

He would ask, despite already having the answers.

There was something about watching you sit there, on the floor, leaning against the door. The shouting, the threats of leaving. It was as though he was back in Texas, twenty years ago, sitting in the kitchen and listening to Sarah complaining about short curfew. Begging Joel to let her go out with friends, stay a little longer. And he would refuse, being as stubborn as he is. Inheriting those qualities, she would insist on her wish. Until it ended up in a scream match and she would threaten to go anyways, with or without his approval.

Then both sides ended up defeated. Sarah, sitting in her bedroom, listening to the regrets setting down in her mind. And Joel, sitting by the kitchen table, cursing himself for being too harsh. He was a man of few words, always has been, when it came to expressing his feelings out into the world. So instead of struggling to find the right ones, he would take her favourite DVD of Curtis and Vipper and knock three times on her bedroom door.

She would know exactly what he meant.

But you were not Sarah, you were not Joel's daughter. There was no relation, other than the business one.

Which, in the end, did not even matter anymore.

"You should have said no," you whispered into the rain.

The reality pulled Joel out of his thoughts.

He frowned, puzzled over your statement.

"You should have just said no," you mumbled, turning around.

He stood still.

"I should have talked you out of it," you whispered. "If I knew how much you will hate me, I would never knock on your door."

And suddenly, everything he had convinced himself with, came undone.

You found all the sore spots, striking into the pits of their existence. Until the shadow of man, he once used to be, stood right behind you, looking into his eyes. What he thought had died that night with her, was standing in one piece. He had nowhere to run, no beliefs to feed himself with, only the truth. Now it was up to him whether he was going to face it.

You wanted him to say something, more than anything. Even if he should just scream at your existence, damning you to hell. Everything would have been better than him, surrendering to his shame. The anger in you was starting to boil. You loathed Joel -- simply for the fact of what his role now meant in your life. Joel was your source of safety, despite the arguments, the curse words headed into his direction. And the only thing you wanted was to know whether there was at least a part of him that would sympathise.

You knew giving your hopes into someone like Joel was a risk with little to no chance of winning. Yet, you allowed yourself to hope, as you looked at him, awaiting.

You should have known how that would end.

Putting a faith in a man who’s past has been coming to haunt him every night for the last twenty years was perhaps as reckless, as running towards a clicker, with a friendly handshake. It would cost you an arm and a leg, you knew it. Of course, you knew it. 

But the hope, rotten to the core. The sweet-talking hope. 

Which he was well aware of, seeing it in your desperate eyes. The guilt was about to swallow him all. What Joel wanted and what he allowed himself to want were two different categories. And what frightened him the most, was the fact that you were in both. 

Despite his best of efforts to bury it. No matter what he tried, the truth could not be undone or destroyed. Even though his guilt kept feeding him with the false claims. Convincing him that after betraying her, he was no longer worthy of that title. When in reality, he would never become someone else. It was who he had always been. 

Didn't matter where would he run, what amount of liquid courage his organs would absorb to numb the pain, it would always be there. Waiting for him, waking up from a hangover. Joel spent twenty years searching for salvation in the wrong places, in the hands of wrong people. 

And there he was, scarred, old and defeated. 

You were his second chance. 

"Stop confusing me with the man you are looking for." 

But the anger, oh the anger. And the frustration he fought with. The what ifs, the possible scenarios recreating his life-long failure that haunted him relentlessly. It could go wrong, he thought. He could not even count the exact number; it was too many of them. 

So, he settled with the thought of doing what was best for both of you. But selfishly, as he was well aware, he welcomed the pain with open door and a handshake. Whilst you were left in the rain, watching it close. 

It would have been too dangerous to act differently, he continued to sweet-talk himself with lies as the dawn fell upon his feet. The truth kept on eating him alive, through the roads and through the woods. Flesh by flesh, until there was nothing left. Joel stood against his own mind, his own beliefs. 

How long could he keep on denying them? 

You wondered about it, even though you forbid yourself from doing so, when you stood in the door the following morning, eyes swollen from how you quietly cried yourself to sleep. The consequences of Joel's previous actions were falling down on you. You avoided him like plague, waking up before sunrise and hunting in the nearby woods before the two of you set off. 

He did not comment on your unannounced morning trip but with all honesty, there was not much to say anyway. One thing that Joel knew, which you were grateful for, although you would never admit it out loud, was to keep quiet when it was needed. 

Unfortunately, this habit of his showed up even when it wasn't required. 

The distance he created between the two of you could not be erased. So, for your own sake, you followed his lead. There were no more jokes, no more comments about Joel's age being close to dinosaurs. Because there was nothing left to say or do. 

And as the days continued, your guilt and regret, naturally, turned into anger. 

Anger towards Joel. 

The more you thought about it, the more resentful you had grown to be. You gave him a chance; you gave him a piece of something only your mother has been worthy of. Something you had once buried but for Joel, you would search for it through the deepest pits of your soul. 

You wanted to feel safe, more than anything else in this world. And there he was. When you looked at the picture of your father, then back at Joel, you knew which one was the option you would choose. 

But what would that be good for, when Joel did not choose you?

As hurtful as it might have been to admit it. 

It was pointless, stupid, you kept telling yourself. Joel's reasoning for this voyage was simple, different from yours. And it would always be different from yours. 

That's how it started to bubble up inside of you. Through days, through nights. It would take one look at him for you to clench your fists and curse yourself for ever being this naive. At a certain point, there was no reason for you to hide it. 

And Joel knew it. He knew how you felt when you yelled at him, spilled out that he should not care whether you had eaten or not, whether you had got enough sleep or not. You would let it all out, frustrated and disappointed. 

He would never say anything, just let you get it out of your system. And once you were done, he would hand you the last bits of jerky from his backpack because he was right -- you did not eat that day. But he would not once try to get back at you.

Perhaps, when he stood against you, watching your eyebrows dance up and down, your hands gesticulating in the air, hearing each word sounding faster and angrier than the one before, Joel had realised he now stood in your position. 

There it was. 

The metaphorical blink, perhaps? 

That found Joel standing above the map, marked with your estranged father's supposed location. 

If you kept heading east, you would arrive to his quarantine zone by next week, according to his counting. A week. 

Seven days. 

There was an odd feeling, growing inside his chest. The symptoms of guilt had arrived into their places, occupying his indecisive existence. The time was slipping through his fingers and selfishly, Joel did not anticipate the meeting that was yet to happen. Despite not doing anything to stop it. 

Your father was no exemplary man, quite the opposite. He made trouble wherever he went, so it was not that shocking when one day, Joel saw a soldier putting up a warrant flyer with your father's face. 

He was supposed to be hanged, the day he vanished from the Boston quarantine zone. FEDRA was searching through every place that could carry his trace, but nothing. A few months later, via radio tower, Joel heard his name again. 

With his connections around the zone, it was not too difficult for Joel to find his current supposed whereabouts. Still, as the days on the road went by, he started to have less and less sympathy for finding someone like him. If there ever was some. 

For personal reasons, of course. Being too attached and too subjective, he could not see past his selfish mind, despite doing everything in his power to have you run to your father with open arms. 

He could only blame himself for not seeing how lost you were. For not seeing through the opportunities falling upon his feet. Especially when they started to run out. 

"How long, Joel?"

Your voice pulled Joel out of his frustrated thoughts as he looked back at you, sitting by the fireplace. He realized he has been standing above the table the whole time, gripping the pencil. 

He has been still all evening, which you tried your best to not care about. Spent almost two hours drawing things on the map, running around the house, looking for more pencils. For a moment, you thought he was going insane. 

Would not be so shocking. 

You attempted to pay no mind to it, mostly browsing through the farmhouse, looking for something to kill your time with. The books were ripped apart, rooms raided, so eventually, you ended up sitting by the fireplace to warm yourself up. 

While you waited for the answer that did not seem to be coming. 

"Week or more," he replied, after another minute. "Though we will be lucky if he's still there by the time we arrive," he mumbled, packing up the map. 

The tone of his voice raised your eyebrows. You could have let it go. 

But weather got you both stuck here in the first place, you might as well square up. 

„Well, you won't be there to see it," you whispered. 

He looked at you, confused over such statement. 

"What?" you got up, "Wasn't your whole plan to drop me by the gate like some baggage? Suppose that was the only thing I ever was for you.“

There was no reason to suppress your frustrated thoughts inside. At such point, there was nothing to lose, not on your side. Miles away from Boston, in the middle of nowhere, your hands were empty. Nothing to treasure, nothing to hold. 

Nothing to hope for, anymore. 

The spark in your eyes that once scared the living soul of Joel was fading away. Perhaps, the reality of that became much more frightening for him. 

"You seriously don't have anything to say to me?" 

The desperate tone of your voice, breaking at the end, frustrated you. 

Not more than Joel's nonexistent stance, though. That was still at the top of your list. 

Just two feet away from you, halfway in the shadow of the night, he stood there defenceless.  

"Seriously, Joel?"

But then, for reasons unknown to your being, the cycle had fallen apart. 

"What the hell do you want from me?" his voice echoed around the living room. "We had a deal. That did not include reading you a goddamn bedtime story and tucking you in." 

Joel himself did not know why he was so harsh. The defence mechanism was running on its own system, leaving him out of the door. 

You could not help but chuckle over his angry statement. 

If he was going to cut deep, so were you. 

"Don't flatter yourself," you whispered, stepping closer. "I don't even think someone like you could ever be capable of that. You will always be too selfish for that." 

He knew he had it coming, of course he knew. Just, perhaps, did not realize how severely he would lose this war. How severely would the last strike hurt. 

Until those words left your mouth. Only then the dust settled as the room had fallen into a deadly silence, with Joel's dignity vanishing into the fireplace, like a lonesome soldier surrendering. 

There was no desire to look into your eyes. On Joel's side, there was no anger left; he waisted it all out. Now, the guilt had won the war, creeping through the pits of his mind, sitting on his shoulder, trying to pull down the rest of his tired, scattered being. 

The shame has been weighing on his shoulders for the past twenty years. Its existence could never be denied nor annihilated. He knew, somewhere in his heart, she would never want him to wander through life like this, of course. But choosing to let go was a price he was too afraid to pay. 

When in his mind, he was not allowed. To have life she could have had. It would have been a betrayal, he thought. To leave it all behind, to prove to you that there once had been and always will be part of him that would do anything for his child. 

Joel was aware of the amount of childish naivety you had within yourself when you knocked on his door. The dedication to see through the plan your mother had prepared for you, Joel knew the final moment would never live up to the expectations you had fostered in your mind. The salvation you had been waiting for. 

And there, it ached. The idea of having you reach the final destination, only for the spark of light in your eyes to die once and for all. To see the disappointment settle in your mind for the rest of the days. 

Same as the one you had; every time Joel let you down. 

By the time the truth had dawned on him, you were already sitting on porch, right by the stairs, wiping away the rest of the tears you had waisted on him. If it were not for the lack of weapons and dark night, you would have been gone. 

But where to road would lead, suddenly remained unknown. In the middle of nowhere, stuck by an old farmhouse, you wished to retrace your steps. Stay in Boston, pull through the military school, become another soldier without a soul and eventually, walk into death with open arms. 

What else would the world give you anyways. When what you had yearned for, has been declined. 

By Joel, standing still in the living room, analysing the spot you occupied just a few minutes ago. He looked around, seeing the glimpses of life this place had before outbreak. The last bits of wallpaper, the broken framed photographs on the credence. He used to wonder what it would have been like to set up a little sheep farm, somewhere outside the Austin, just him and Sarah. 

The two of them running the place, not needing anything or anybody else. Occasionally, they would spare a room for Tommy, force him to help out with the livestock, to repay Joel for bailing him out of the jail, again. It sounded almost idyllic; what could have been and never was. 

Joel knew that he was not the only father losing part of himself on the night of the outbreak. Yet, he found no comfort in this fact. If anything, it added another layer of guilt upon his shoulders. He thought, there was no father who had failed as miserably as him. In his eyes, there was no father guiltier than him. 

What he had buried under glasses of moonshine and traded pills, you ripped out. Pulled it on the surface and close the door on your way out. 

After everything that happened, all through the woods, all through the meadows, there was one, last question Joel had to face. 

Was surrendering to his shame worth losing, perhaps, the very last chance of making things right? 

Of honouring what he once had, instead of grieving what he once lost. 

Of being the one for whom you had knocked on his door in the first place. 

Despite his actions, Joel was not an idiot. He was well aware that the chances and opportunities you had given to him would run their course soon. And then, then -- he will be left alone, awaiting the arrival of his remorse. Why couldn't he try, you wondered by the moon. 

You sat there, eyes on the skies. 

The thought of your mother danced in your tangled mind. Of the wish she had put together for you. Back in Boston, you would do anything to fulfill it -- after all, that is how you found Joel. 

But now, there was no desire to continue. 

Of course, there was the urge to know your father. The other half of you. But would he do what you had done? Would be travel across the states, just for you?

Even if he would, you thought, he could never live up to Joel. 

Whose steps pulled you out of your thoughts, as you heard him closing the door. 

Not so long after, he found himself sitting on the opposite side of the stairs -- doing so, when he realised how persistently you tried to maintain your distance. He would not blame you, only the numerous times he had managed to disappoint you. 

There was no desire to look at him. Part of you wished for him to never speak, to collect the little he travelled with and set off, for good. Part of you wanted to curse him out. 

But the other part, oh the other part. 

That damned part. 

The questions that came along, the thoughts. 

The fear. 

That joined you on the stairs, in the dark of the night. 

The fear you caught in Joel's eyes. Clear as the skies above you. 

There was one last battle remaining, for Joel. 

The broken watch sitting on his wrist caught Joel's attention. The crack was bigger than Joel had remembered. Surely, as the years went by, as the roads came along, some of the glass pieces fell out. But the hands stayed the same. The time forever more imprinted in his scarred mind.

Long ago, he convinced himself his clock would never resume, never having a reason to do so, without her. 

But, perhaps, the reason was sitting right next to him. 

"I know you think I am an asshole," he whispered into the night. 

Joel had to think. It has been a while since he led a conversation with an adolescent -- a conversation, not a screaming match. Surely, he had his fair share of arguments with Sarah. But the differences were incomparable. 

Unlike her, you grew up in the world where kindness came with a price ticket and dignity as an exception not many accomplished to hold onto. You had no recollection of what it meant to have a home. 

Or perhaps?

"That is an understatement," you mumbled. "It is not fair, you know?"

Joel's gaze met with yours. The sadness danced in your eyes. 

"It's not fair how hardly I tried to hate you, Joel, but failed miserably, whilst you succeeded for both of us," you uttered, not letting go of his sight. "You have to hate me, you made it so obvious. But, I  still wonder. Why walk through the woods, through the roads, through the cities with someone whose presence holds no meaning in your life?"

You got him, time and time again. How far was he willing to test your abilities to forgive him? Until there was none?

"Did you walk all the way because of the pity you had stored for me? If your guilty conscience needs a verbal order, then you are free to go," you mumbled. 

The silence entered the empty sphere. Your trembling voice went quiet, as the sleeves of your jacket wiped away the rest of the tears, strolling down your red cheeks. The anguish seemed to never end. 

"Joel, leave," you whispered, not daring to meet his gaze in such condition. "Pack your shit and just leave."

"Actually," he spoke, as though ignoring your disheveled state of mind. "Now, that the deal is off, I think I might stay for a while.“

For a short moment, you could not say for sure whether was mocking your statement or happened to be deadly serious about staying in this half-destroyed house. The jury was out. 

You dared to look up -- solely to convince yourself that there would be a vicious smirk on Joel's face, hitting the final nail in the coffin of hope you had left for him. 

There was no such thing, other than him, looking around. 

"Joel," you whispered, "Leave."

"Some of the walls are busted, the roof is leaking but it ain't nothing I could not fix," he mumbled, not paying a single ounce of attention to you.

You thought you might as well go insane. 

"Joel, I swear to fucking god, leave!" the frustration was pouring out. The hands were thrown in the air, the redness in your cheeks filled your whole face, as your voice rose because of Joel. "Seriously, you treat me like some fucking burden the whole time, but now, you have a what, a change of heart?"

He shrugged his shoulders, remaining calm. "I don't need a change of heart. I just need to fix this house."

Unbelievable. 

"If you do all of this to just laugh in my face, you are probably more pathetic than I ever thought." 

The longer you stayed, the heavier the ache had become. 

"You know, I was so afraid meeting my father would disappoint me," you whispered. "Thankfully, you had prepared me. Now I know that whatever waits in the east, it won't hurt nearly as much as this."

In that final moment, Joel knew the chances he waisted, took for granted, had, at last ran out. There were no words to say, no ropes to hold onto. Everything you had given him, everything you allowed yourself to feel for him, vanished into the night as you got up from the stairs, brushed off your knees and disappeared inside. 

The hopes you had given into this, now ached deeply in your chest as you walked upstairs. For a moment, you wondered, whether this would be the end -- of everything. Whether this wound be the final destination. 

Head buried in the bedding; you thought the agony would never go away. The suffocating feeling in your lungs, the cries. The pain swallowed you whole, piece by piece until you found yourself wishing to tear off your own skin to escape it. 

There has not been this much pain inside of you since your mother died. That night, you held her lifeless body, screaming until there was no air left in your lungs. Cursing yourself, cursing the world itself, wishing to come away with her. 

You hoped to never go through this ever again. 

Now, here you were. 

Yet, what turned out to be the worst part of it all was not the pain itself, however intense it might have been. It was the sole realisation that for Joel, you would go through it. The same way you had done with your mother, for Joel, you would do it, too. The role he had earned in your life, despite denying it, settled down. And there was nothing you could do about it. 

Only accepting the grievous conditions. 

He would not, you thought. No, you convinced yourself. 

Would he? 

He wondered, as he found himself standing by the door of your temporary bedroom, watching you sleep. Would he? Would he put his shame and guilt to rest? How many times would he need to ask himself this question before the time ran out? Before the last bits of patience, you had stored for him, vanished along with his chances. 

He looked around the room, taking it all in -- the teared-up wallpaper, missing pieces of furniture, cracked wooden floor. He was right when he said that house was no lost cause. He could have done wonders with it, saving the treasured, replace the destroyed. 

He would paint the walls for you, fix your bed, find new bedding for you -- just to make sure you would have a place to call home. In the middle of nowhere, surrounded by peace. He would make you dinner, he would eat it with you on the front porch, whilst the two of you would be watching the sunset. He would force you to help around to garden -- only because he would want to make it safer for you. 

You mattered -- that was the most frightening part of it all. However big of coward he could be, his impulsive urges could never be stronger than the fear. The swallowing, harrowing fear.

So, would he? 

He asked himself again, sitting on the edge of your bed. 

Would he fix it? Instead of the broken windows and leaking celling, would he fix the damage he had done?

Joel sighed. 

His hands grabbed two ends of a blanket. 

There it was -- the feeling. Looking down on you, lying there quietly, he wondered again. 

He wondered that long he did not even notice you had woken up. 

Only when his gaze met yours, all red and tired, he realised he was still holding the ends of the blanket. 

He could have waisted the words. 

Or he could do what felt right for him. What felt familiar. 

"Joel," you mumbled, half-asleep trying to grasp the situation. 

It was hard to keep your eyes open, being too worn out. The only thing you felt was the warm of the blanket you wished to hold onto. You grabbed so tightly on the thread of comfort -- as tight as you could, before you passed out again. 

Holding Joel's hand. 

There it was.

His world collapsed. 

The spare defences left in his scarred hands, vanished. Now, the only one he could have held onto, was your hand. 

Almost twenty one years later, under the hoards of pain and buried memories was the feeling of peace he would never find at a bottom of any bottle. 

Looking down on your, falling asleep under his guard, Joel sighed, before he leaned over to your face. Staring at you quietly, he felt at strangely calm. 

How easy it was for Joel’s world to collapse, with just one look at you. If there were ever to be a salvation, a chance to fix what he had done, pay for mistakes no one would ever put on his name, there it was. Holding his hand.  

There was nothing to forgive, nothing to repay. Despite the anger and frustration he managed to awaken in you with confusing actions, despite your vocal wishes of leaving you alone, you held for your life on the last thread you had given him. 

He wanted to leave -- somewhere in his mind, the coward voice of his past failures urged him to leave and never look back. He could have done it anywhere on the road, having more than enough opportunities. But if his doubts made him a coward, then the fear of losing you made him a twice of one. 

He walked through the cities, through the highways, through the meadows for one reason. The one he denied himself of having, pushing you so far away, he almost lost the last thread. He could never lose the reason, no -- for it lived in him for the past twenty years. It never left, however much Joel tried to convince himself. 

There was something to fight for -- someone to fight for. 

He sat there for a while, losing track of time, holding your hand. He could not move -- he did not want, no. Instead, with shattered breath and trembling existence, Joel dared to squeeze your hand.

In that moment, across the quiet bedroom, Joel could have sworn on his life, his watch started to tick again. 

[corseque]

another clair obscur spoiler thought that might be wrong because I would need to do another playthrough

it really strikes me that the first real world character that you speak to and have an exchange with is Aline at the end of act 2!!

Every character who speaks to Maelle before that is in some way a creation of Aline. And what is very interesting is how the ONLY criticism that Maelle ever goes through is when she's speaking to people from the real world.

When I played the game, I found the criticism from her family to be harsh, but watching the scenes again, I think the only ones that sound actually cruel still are some of the things her mother says, but even those, I think the cruelest things are things Maelle/Alicia SAYS that her mother thinks of her, not anything we actually see or hear the mother actually saying outright.

Clea especially, after hearing her really caring advice that she gives to Maelle/Alicia if you get to the top of the Endless Tower where she advises Maelle to follow her heart... her tough impatience feels different on rewatch too. She's just in mourning and her personality is sharp and she's a little condescending, but she talks about loving Verso and she compliments Maelle when she hides the painting well. She's just a normal person with her own priorities and battles. The father as well.

But none of the painted characters in the painting act even a little irrationally cruel in their grief toward Maelle when the act 1 spoiler happens. They always act extremely loving toward her, and you think that it's just a found family thing, but then you start to wonder about - like she would still have Painter powers that she could use to influence the people around her to love her. I remember there's certain lines that Lune etc say that imply Of Course They Love Maelle, almost like it's maybe something they have been painted to do, maybe just by Maelle being around them. This could also explain why Maelle wanted to get away from Lumiere as a child...? To get to somewhere real? (She is such a complicated character, I need to think about it more)

But anyway, there's SOMETHING about how the only people who seem to talk to her in a normal, real and even slightly critical way are her family with real lives and real concerns that exist outside of her....? And then this seems to be supported by the ending where she has painted Lune and Sciel to wear the exact same clothes as each other, styled the same (even though when the two were created by Aline, they had very unique fashion senses).

I've seen people call Renoir's painting of Alicia cruel and unflattering and Maelle speaks as if he doesn't understand her in his painting ("I get vertigo" she says), but imo it's genuinely such a true and heartbreaking depiction of her, like he sees her truly for who and what she is and I think he painted her accurately. It's literally a portrait of her in the last frame of the Alicia ending, stuck in place and not working on anything or even moving at all.

Like I think it was purposefully done in the story that the real people that she actually knows in her family can give her insight into herself that will help her grow and change, while she cannot get pushback or growth from the paintings....?

[itadoraki]

Mother's Day.🌹

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Night Raven Colle Vice-Leaders x R.femele

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Mother's Day for the vice-leaders of the Twisted-Wonderland dormitories, with their wives and children who are their copies

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Trey Clover - Heartslabyul

Trey's house was full of a cozy atmosphere, with a large table set in the center, full of cakes and pies - all made by him. His wife smiled next to a child who had clearly inherited Trey's softness and friendly smile, with light brown hair and the same gentle eyes. The little one, helping in the service, handed a small box to her mother.

"Happy Mother's Day, mom! I did it for you," the child said enthusiastically.

Trey's wife hugged her affectionately, smiling when she saw her daughter's familiarity with her father's patience. Trey watched from afar, his quiet smile on his face, while preparing another pie with the help of his daughter.

"You taught me to be patient and attentive, dear. Our daughter is the embodiment of that."

Trey smiled, touching his wife on the shoulder. "And she's more than I could dream of."

At the end of the day, the three sat down together for dinner, with the daughter proudly telling stories about what she had learned from her father. Trey, in his usual silence, just appreciated the love he knew there was in his family.

⸻ ——————————🌹

Ruggie Bucchi - Savanaclaw

Ruggie lived with the energy of the day, and on this Mother's Day, he spared no effort to ensure that everything was perfect. His wife was leaning next to the table, smiling affectionately at her son - a mini-Ruggie, with the same cunning eyes and a smile that always seemed to hide something.

"Be careful, my dear, he learned to dodge all our tricks already," said his wife, laughing.

The son, with his natural cunning, spent the day running around the house, ensuring that everyone was working and that things followed the plan. Ruggie, as much as he wanted to rest, found himself with his son in a strategy competition, trying to see who could get the most out of a simple lunch.

"In the end, mom will win all this, won't she, dad?" The son asked with a smart smile.

Ruggie looked at his wife, who laughed. "Of course. She always knows more than all of us."

⸻ ——————————🌹

Jade Leech - Octavinelle

Jade's house was full of intricate floral arrangements, with an elegant and mysterious touch. His wife, always calm, sat at the table with his son, who had the same enigmatic presence as his father, although with a touch of lightness that made him more... accessible. Jade, watching from afar, was deeply touched by his wife's sincere smile and his son's affable behavior.

"Look, mom! I imitated the father!" Said the son, putting a rare plant on the table.

Jade, smiling discreetly, approached and fixed the plant accurately. "You're like me, but there's something more. Maybe the ability to be more... charming," he commented with an affectionate look at his son.

As the night progressed, Jade found herself reflecting on the years spent with her wife and son. He didn't need anything else, because he had found his true happiness there, watching his family thrive in a calm and serene environment.

⸻ ——————————🌹

Jamil Viper - Scarabia

Jamil, with his reserved nature and a tendency to plan everything meticulously, spent Mother's Day taking care of every detail. His wife, equally disciplined, watched tenderly while her son - a mini-Jamil with the same quiet and calculating energy - tried to help with the flower arrangements.

"Isn't it good, mom?" The son asked, with a soft voice, similar to Jamil's.

His wife smiled, with the same welcoming look she always had. "It's wonderful, dear. You have the same talent as your father."

Jamil, who observed with a serious expression, felt a feeling of peace that he rarely experienced. His wife and son were the only people capable of bringing this comfort to his heart, and he had known, even without words, that he had found everything he needed.

⸻ ——————————🌹

Rook Hunt - Pomefiore

The atmosphere in Rook's house was a spectacle of color and beauty. His wife, a charming woman who always looked radiant, sat in an elegant chair while her son - with the same observant eyes and imposing posture of Rook - looked at her with admiration.

"Please let me help, mom," said the son, his voice soft but full of firmness.

Rook watched the scene with pleasure, knowing that his son's ability to perceive the world around him was in tune with his own. He was always proud of the beauty of his family and, at that moment, knew that true beauty was captured in the simplicity of daily gestures of love.

"You have the most refined look, my son," said Rook with a proud smile. "Mom taught you well."

At the end of the day, he gave his wife a rare beauty gift, something that only he could have found in his wanderings around the world. She accepted him with a warm smile, aware that, at that moment, she was surrounded by the true art of life.

⸻ ——————————🌹

Lilia Vanrouge - Diasomnia

The scenery was magical, with the soft light of the moon reflecting on the walls of the castle, which was covered with magical flowers. Lilia and her wife were sitting on the balcony, with a son - a little Lilia, with the same energetic presence and mischievous look - who, next to them, showed his magic with small flames.

"Mom, look! I managed to make a flower of fire!" Said the son, with a bright smile.

Lilia, with her usually playful smile, watched with unmistakable pride. "It is, without a doubt, a skill that only I would have taught."

His wife laughed, stroking her son's hair. "He has both you and me, Lilia."

At nightfall, the family flew together, floating around the castle, as if the whole world were a field of enchanted flowers, a place where love and magic would never end.

——————————🌹 —————————————

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 02x23 - When the Digivice was Tainted by Darkness / Genesis of Evil

Previously on Digimon Adventure: Daisuke watched a Digimon piss and they were not very happy about it. And now for some deep-seated psychological trauma!

We've been fighting the Digimon Kaiser for twenty episodes. Now it's finally time to ask the question: Okay, but for real, who is Ichijouji Ken anyway?

Also, according to the unreliable Dub Narrator, we will find out in this episode if the Chosen Children/DigiDestined truly do have a new enemy out there. So that sounds fun!

We open quietly and slowly at "Tamachi T.M. マンシヨン", the last word of which is マンシヨン Manshon or Mansion. As discussed way back in episode 1 when Natsuko and Takeru moved in to the complex they live in, a マンション manshon is a more upscale and high-quality apartment complex compared to a cheaper アパート apaato. Unsurprisingly, the Ichijouji family is well-off.

We've been to the Ichijouji residence before but I think this is the first time we've ever seen the name on the building. Since Ken also attends a school named Tamachi, it's likely that he's meant to live in the area surrounding Tamachi Station, shown on the map here.

For reference, the blue circle represents the area informally referred to as "Tamachi". It's just across the Rainbow Bridge from Odaiba, the red circle. The black circle is, as always, Vamdemon's base of operations in Daiba Park way back when.

Part of this area is the district of Shibaura, which caused so much trouble back then. That was where Hikari's cat Miko ended up taking her Digivice, misleading both the Chosen Children and Vamdemon to believe that the Eighth Child lived somewhere around Shibaura.

There is something deliciously ironic about Ken in fact living somewhere around Shibaura.

Inside apartment 303, Ken's mother quietly closes his door and exits his room into the living room. Her husband is waiting for her on the couch.

Father: Ken... How is he?

Mom shakes her head and takes a seat next to him.

Mother: But I'm sure it won't be too long before he wakes up....

Dad reaches over, placing a gentle hand over Mom's. A soft reassurance that they're going through this together.

Ken is going through a hell of a hangover. Sleeping off the Digimon Kaiser is no easy feat.

The original episode has a slow and silent zoom in on the Ichijouji apartment to build tension and uncertainty. The dub opts for a more sad and sympathetic opening, with somber music and extra dialogue to set the scene.

Mother: Ken, honey? It's Mom. I just want you to know that Dad and I are right outside your room. We're not going anywhere so when you wake up, we'll be here. (Inside the apartment, Mom closes the door) Father: Well? Is he awake yet? (Mom shakes head and sits down on couch) Mother: But... I know he'll wake up. He just needs a little more rest. (Dad places gentle hand on Mom's) Father: Don't worry. He's strong. Just like his mother.

This meshes with their respective treatments of Ken two episodes ago. In the original, we don't really know what to expect from Ken at this point. We had our final battle and it ended so weird. What are we supposed to make of him now? Where does he go from here? Are we going to be fighting him again in a week's time, or does he finally take the hint and buzz off? What does he even want?

Whereas the dub already leapt straight to "All is forgiven! You gonna join our team now?" before the final battle with Kimeramon even finished. There is no tension here because we were fighting to redeem Ken in the first place and already succeeded. It just needs a little time to settle in.

As Ken's parents wait for him in the living room, we move to his room and find him asleep. Like Hikari, Ken insists on sleeping in the top bunk even in a bed built for one person.

As an interesting note, last time we saw Ken, he was splayed out carelessly across his bed. But now he's neatly tucked in like the cutest little cherub. That's how much his mom loves him.

Ken (V.O.): I have to stay asleep. I have to find my heart. Where did my heart go?

Entering into Ken's headspace, we find him blowing bubbles with a straw. The image of his brother Osamu, briefly seen dying two episodes ago, is reflected in the bubble he blows.

Ken (V.O.): When I was little... When I was little, I used to blow soap bubbles. Bigger... And bigger....

Zooming out from the bubbles, we see Osamu watching Ken blow the bubbles with a smile on his face.

Ken (V.O.): I was never a genius. The genius was Osamu-niisan. Osamu-niisan could do anything. I was so proud of him.

An interesting note is that Ken has two honorifics he calls Osamu. In his mind, he calls him by the relaxed and casual Nii-san, which is very informal. But when speaking to him in dialogue, he's a bit more formal. He uses Onii-chan, which is cutesy and childish and conveys a lot of emotional attachment.

Takeru and Hikari also use Onii-chan to convey how emotionally close they are with their respective brothers.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): I know I should wake up... but I can't. It's not time yet. Not until I find my heart. It feels like I lost it. I keep looking for it but I just can't seem to find it. I know once I do, everything will be back to the way it was.... (Blowing of bubbles) Ken (V.O.): Like when I was a little kid. I used to learn everything from my older brother Sam. I remember the time he taught me to blow bubbles. (Ken blows bubbles while Sam watches and smiles) Ken (V.O.): At first I couldn't do it but he kept encouraging me. Soon, I was blowing bubbles bigger than he was! Sam was the real genius in the family. I was so proud of him....

Dub Ken's inner monologue is longer and more comprehensive. In the original, Ken's inner monologue is dream-like. He sounds like he's drifting along on a sea of memory, where Dub Ken is consciously narrating his autobiography.

It's also a little awkward how he brags about kicking Sam's ass at bubble-blowing and then immediately segues back on-script to Sam being the true genius.

Mind you, it's true. This is something they'll talk about that later, so I guess they just wanted to seed that in early.

As dub names go, "Sam" for "Osamu" is along the same lines as "Matt" for "Yamato" or "Izzy" for "Izumi Koushiro"; it sounds like an easy English nickname derived from his real Japanese name. As opposed to Davis, Cody, and Yolei which might as well have been drawn from a hat.

As Ken's mindspace progresses, we see baby Ken walking hand-in-hand with his mother.

Ken: That's the lady from next door!

One by one, echoes of the next door lady appear in Ken's mindspace, burned into his memory in that same pose.

Lady: Everyone says your son Osamu-chan is exceptional! Lady: Oh, I'm so jealous! Lady: He's nothing like my kid. Lady: I want to brew the dirt from under Osamu-chan's fingernails and make my son drink it!

Okay, that's going to need some explaining.

爪の垢を煎じて飲む Tsume no aka wo senjite nomu is a Japanese expression. It basically means you idolize this other person so much that you wish you could take a little piece of their essence and incorporate it into yourself. Obviously, nobody literally does this, but it's a turn-of-phrase.

Lady: How did you teach him? Lady: What kind of homemaker are you? Lady: He must have inherited only the best traits from his parents, huh? Lady: Oh, what a genius!

Those last three questions are all in the context of, "What did you do to produce such an exceptional child?"

Ken (V.O.): Mom basked in those words.

The word Ken uses here is 溺れた oboreta, which literally means to drown. As a turn-of-phrase, it also means indulgence in an addiction. Mom didn't just enjoy hearing it; She couldn't get enough. Being praised for Osamu's brilliance was the highlight of her day.

We've seen similar questions asked about Ken himself years later, and this goes a long way to examining why he's so hostile to those sentiments. He was on the outside looking in on this behavior long before he suddenly became the recipient of it.

In the dub:

Ken: Here come the neighbor ladies! Lady: My cousin has a friend that knows someone that says your little Sam is the smartest boy in school! Lady: Can I get my picture taken with him? Lady: I have three daughters I'd like him to meet! Lady: Has he decided to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon? Lady: Where can I get his autobiography!? Lady: You and your husband are geniuses to have had him! Lady: Can I get a lock of his hair? I'd like to have him cloned! Lady: Will he sing at my wedding? Ken (V.O.): Those kind of comments went straight to my mom's head.

The core point that Osamu was heavily praised and their mom loved it is here. But wow.

The dub presents these eight identical impressions of the neighbor lady as different women from the neighborhood. And their obsession with this genius boy transcends "Your son is amazing!" and delves straight into the realm of Holy Fuck Restraining Order.

This is obviously meant to be comically over-the-top, of course. The dub's always played Ken's prodigy reputation for laughs and they're doing the same with Sam. And for an episode like this, opportunities to inject levity are going to be few and far between, so I do get why they went this route.

As the sad baby Ken processes the neighbor lady's neglect, suddenly his mom pulls her hand away from him too and we transition into the family apartment.

Ken: (gasp) Mama?

With her back to Ken, Mom gushes over Osamu.

Mother: Osamu-chan, Mama got praised again today! Oh, you're such a good boy, Osamu-chan!

Then, realizing she's being watched, she suddenly turns around.

Mother: Uhh, you're a good boy too, Ken-chan. Ken: I'm always an afterthought.

Shrouded in darkness, Ken watches the image of Osamu on the couch surrounded by their parents' love slowly fade into the distance.

Ken: (thinking) Mama only cares so much about Onii-chan because everyone's always praising him. Nothing would change if I wasn't here. Ken: If Onii-chan wasn't here, would that be me over there? If only Onii-chan were gone... Onii-chan... (gasp) That's it! If Onii-chan were gone...!

Ken's face hardens into a vicious scowl. A mask of cruelty to hide his pain.

Ken: I want you to disappear, Onii-chan!

Ken is, sadly, too young to realize that his jealous ire is misplaced. It's not Osamu's fault that Ken's home life is miserable. It's his parents who are fucking up here and inadvertently cultivating that hostility.

Those words, "Nothing would change if I wasn't here", are also important. There is a suicidal undertone to Ken's journey. There... kind of always has been, ever since he deleted himself from the human world. And it starts right here with this stray thought.

In the dub:

Mother: (lets go of Ken's hand) Oh, Sam! Ken: Mama? Mother: All the neighbors came up to me again and said what a wonderful boy you are! One of them even asked me for an autograph! Can you believe it!? (Mother suddenly turns around) Mother: Oh, Ken. I'm sorry. Did you say something? Ken: (depressed) Never mind, Mama. It's not important. (Ken watches his family fade into the distance) Ken: Mom and Dad are always paying more attention to Sam than to me. I know they love him more because he's smarter than me! I'll never get even one of them to notice me as long as Sam's around! If only Sam weren't around, then I would be.... (gasp) That's it! If only Sam weren't here, then I'd be the one they loved. (Ken scowls cruelly) Ken: I WISH SAM WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR!!!

The dub pins down Sam's exceptionalism as the thing about him that Ken resents. If Sam wasn't so brilliant then their parents would love Ken too.

In the original, it's his popularity. If Osamu wasn't constantly being praised for his brilliance, then their parents would love Ken too. Mom doesn't consciously love Osamu more for being smart; However, she's addicted to the praise and can't help but gush over it, which makes Ken feel left out and unwanted.

She does attempt to puff up Ken too. It's just that Ken can see her weak gesture for the afterthought that it is. She isn't malicious about it, but she is fucking up.

The dub cuts out this middleman and just says "Fuck Sam for being so brilliant in the first place." Which I think is a misstep, since it's the praise that more directly connects Ken's jealousy of Osamu to Ken's own demonstrated experiences and bitterness towards the world around him in episode 9.

As soon as Ken makes his proclamation, smash cut to a glowing light emerging from the monitor in Ken's room. The object ambiguously lands directly between the two brothers.

We know exactly what that is, and so does Present Ken's inner monologue.

Ken (V.O.): A Digivice appeared before our very eyes.

As the light fades, the object is revealed as a traditional Digivice like the ones that the veteran Chosen Children received.

Ken (V.O.): But, obviously, it was for Osamu-niisan. After all, Osamu-niisan could do anything and could have anything.

Osamu picks up the Digivice and inspects it, but nothing happens. He holds it up to his ear and shakes it. A little rattling from the internal mechanisms, but still nothing happens.

Ken (V.O.): But nothing happened. The Digivice was just there. Osamu-niisan looked so dejected.

Osamu stands up, walking over to the desk. He stuffs the Digivice in a drawer. However, some time later, Ken opens that drawer to see it for himself.

Ken (V.O.): I had no idea what it was. But I knew... it was something special. I got excited just from looking at it.

Ken reaches into the drawer. As he lays his hand on the Digivice, it suddenly lights up. Pretty clear whose Digivice this actually is. Ken screams and, before he knows what's happening, he's pulled inside the computer. Through the Digital Gate and into the Digital World.

Poor Osamu. Kinda seems unfair that Ken was Chosen and Osamu wasn't.

I wonder if that's going to be thematically relevant to something down the road? Mm, probably not.

The dub gives the boys dialogue during this sequence.

Ken (V.O.): Then, one night, a Digivice came out of our computer. I figured it had to be Sam's. Ken: Sam, what is that? Sam: I'm not sure, Kenny-boy. Maybe the computer blew a fuse or something.

FLUNG IT STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MONITOR HAHAHAHAHAHA

Sam: Let's take a look. Ken: Be careful! It might still be hot! (Sam picks up the Digivice but nothing happens) Sam: Huh?

When Sam lifts the Digivice to his ear and shakes it, it can be heard rattling but it's really soft and hard to make out over the music.

Ken: Is there something inside? Sam: Uh-uh... I don't know what this thing is, but I'm gonna find out. Now, listen to me, Kenny-boy. Whatever you do, don't touch it. (Sam stuffs it in his drawer; Ken opens the drawer back up) Ken (V.O.): I know that Sam told me to stay away from it but I couldn't help myself. I felt like I was being drawn to it somehow. Like something was telling me that it belonged to me. I just wanted to look at it. What harm could that do?

The dub sets its first commercial break here, as Ken vanishes into the Digital World with his Digivice.

This is a pretty significant characterization shift for Sam. In the original, Osamu and Ken both assume the Digivice belongs to Osamu out of a sense of entitlement, basically. When Osamu shoves it in his desk, it's because he's mad that this magic device that popped out of the computer isn't doing anything.

In the dub, no assumptions are made about who "deserves" the Digivice or whatever. Sam comes across like a responsible big brother, trying to protect Ken from the weird doodad that suddenly and inexplicably manifested in their room. He shoves it in his desk out of a sense of caution.

It's evening by the time Ken returns from the Digital World. Osamu enters the room just in time to see the Digital Gate open and release Ken back into the human world.

Sitting on the floor, Ken's staring at his Digivice in wonder. Suddenly, Osamu calls out to him, and danger chords begin playing in the background.

Osamu: Ken! Ken: Huh? Osamu: (coldly) What are you doing?

Ken holds up the Digivice to show it to Osamu.

Ken: Th-This-- Osamu: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

Before Ken can get another word out, Osamu slaps the back of his hand, knocking the Digivice from it.

Osamu: Don't touch my stuff without permission! Ken: S... Sorry....

While Ken cradles his hand, Osamu bends down and picks up the Digivice.

Osamu: This is mine. Ken: I'm so sorry!

Osamu returns the Digivice to his drawer, continuing to gripe.

Osamu: Rifling through someone's desk... Only the worst kinds of people would do something like that! Ken: I'm sor-- Osamu: This is mine! Don't ever touch it without my permission! Got it? Ken: I'm really sorry. Osamu: You're distracting me from my studies. GET OUT!!!

Dejected, Ken stands up and leaves the rooms.

What an asshole. This moment raises the stakes in their relationship and contextualizes some of Ken's bitterness earlier. Osamu isn't just the apple of their parents' eyes; He's also abusive.

An interesting note about Osamu's room is that, from the layout, you can clearly tell that it's the same room that now belongs to Ken in the present. Same computer desk, same bookshelf with top-bunk bed.

In the dub, Sam starts talking before entering the room.

Sam: Ken, are you still in my room? You better not be touching my stuff! (Sam enters and sees Ken return) Ken: Wow! Cool! Sam: KEN!!! Ken: Uh-oh. Sam: Just what do you think you're doing!? (Ken shows the Digivice) Ken: I didn't break it! Sam: I said, "Don't touch it"! (Sam slaps the Digivice out of Ken's hand) Sam: Don't touch my things ever again! Ken: I'm... sorry.... (Sam picks up the Digivice) Sam: You have to have respect for people's property, Ken. Ken: I will.... (Sam returns the Digivice to his desk) Sam: It's too late for that. I already told you once not to go in my drawer and you broke my trust. Now I'll never be able to trust you again! Ken: But I... I-I.... Sam: What if you'd gotten hurt!? Mom and Dad would be looking to blame someone and it would be me, not you! Ken: I said sorry.... Sam: Now get out. I have to study!

He's still an asshole but, as with before, Sam's unjustifiably over-the-top reaction here nonetheless seems to be coming from a place of concern for his brother's safety. He's still violently possessive, but with some nuance. Though the way he presents it nonetheless indicates that he's more worried about the blowback on him than he is worried for Ken.

Whereas in the original, he's just an entitled little shit. His motives are plain as day from the way he exclaims "This is mine!" twice. He's furious about the possibility that for once in their lives, Ken might get to have something that he doesn't. So he takes it away from Ken using both physical and verbal violence.

This scene brings Sam closer in characterization to Osamu, but there's still more nuance to his outburst than Osamu has.

Dejected, Ken walks away into darkness, roaming through the shadows of the older Ken's memory.

Ken: (thinking) Nii-san hates me... Because I'm not a good kid... Because I'm the worst kind of person... But why? I'm so miserable....

They replay the footage of baby Ken watching his parents shower Osamu with love and adoration.

Ken: (thinking) Nii-san has everything. I have nothing. I WISH MY BROTHER WOULD DISAPPEAR!!!

As those words echo in Ken's memory space, they are suddenly and swiftly answered by the car that ended Osamu's life.

In the dub, it's the grown-up Ken who unpacks what just happened.

Ken (V.O.): Sam hated me. I wasn't as good a person as he was. But that wasn't enough for him; He had to punish me because of it! He didn't have to hit me! I just wanted to play with his toy! So what if I didn't ask for his permission first!? And I couldn't tell Mom and Dad because as far as they were concerned, he could do no wrong. Ken: Sometimes I wish... HE WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR!!! (Sam hit by car) Ken (V.O.): And then he did.

Thanks, Ken. I wouldn't have got that if you hadn't explained it. In any case, the dub pulls no punches on the smash cut to Sam's death.

The differing narrators offer differing perspectives. Baby Ken in the original internalizes the abuse and spirals around it until finally he breaks and lets out that outburst again.

The older Ken in the dub looks back on this whole event with a sense of disdainful perspective. He calls out Sam's abuse and the unfairness of his situation back then for what it was. He even brings up that regardless of Sam's motives, the hand smack was completely uncalled for.

I really like both versions of this.

Following Osamu's death, we find Ken at his wake. With tears in his eyes, a distraught Ken approaches Osamu's memorial photo on the funeral altar.

Ken: Onii-chan... Did this happen because I wanted you to disappear?

Inside Ken's mind-space, he watches his parents grow distance again. Only this time, rather than showering Osamu in praise, it's because they're mourning.

Ken: Where do I go? Where do I belong?

Osamu's gone and still Ken is alone.

In the dub:

Ken: Sam, I didn't mean it. I was just mad when I said I wanted you to disappear! (Ken watches his mourning parents grow distant) Ken: Look how sad I made my parents. They loved Sam more than anything in the whole world! I know how much the both of you miss Sam! But I'm still here!

Same idea but more bluntly.

Fast forward to some time later. Enough that Ken looks visibly older, though not as old as the Ken we know. We find him at the computer desk.

Ken (V.O.): One day, while I was messing around with Nii-san's computer, I found an email addressed to me. An email for me. An email written specifically for me. Someone... for me....

The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison.

In seriousness, his repetition of the statement is meant to indicate how mind-blowing it was that someone, of their own volition, was reaching out... to him. Baby Ken's self-esteem had been so utterly destroyed by his upbringing that even before he read it, just receiving an email was this grand earthshattering gesture.

This might actually be the first time in his life that someone has, on purpose, reached out to connect with him.

In any case, the email is read in a new, unidentified voice.

Ken (V.O.): This is what it said. Message: Your brother's passing was an unfortunate accident. It must have been very tragic for you. But take comfort. Your brother's death has brought him peace. There's nothing for you to feel guilty for. Ken (V.O.): I didn't really understand what it meant. Still, I wanted to believe what was written there. It was easier that way. Message: The arrival of your brother's physical death has brought him a true sense of peace because it granted eternal freedom to his spirit. But you have to keep living in this boring, mundane world. In other words, it means the death of your free spirit. You poor thing. I feel sorry for you.

Oh, this guy is definitely recruiting for a cult. He's not saying Ken should commit suicide... but he's not not saying that.

Expressions like "XYZ is in a better place" are common comforts for people grieving a loved one but there's a line between that and "We should all be so lucky to expire! Death is the only true liberation!" And this message is way the hell across that line.

As the message is read, we see black-and-white shots of Ken undergoing his mundane, ordinary life. Walking down the street and eating with his family. Typical, ordinary things. The very thing the message maligns.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): Then, one day, I was playing on Sam's old computer and I found an email that was addressed to me.

Quick note: In the original, we hear an email notification alert when the message arrives. It was just sent to Ken right this moment. In the dub, there's no alert.

As for the message's text... This is a fun one because not only do they have to deal with the message itself, but there's also scrolling email text that appears over the black and white shots. That's going to be a lot of work to scrub off the screen and replace with English.

So they don't fucking bother and leave the Japanese text completely unaltered. XD Even the email itself. Between this, the hand slap with no obscuring white flash, and the explicit onscreen death of a child? I think someone realized how important this episode was and locked the censors in a broom closet so they couldn't fuck with it.

Ken (V.O.): I didn't know who would be writing to me or how they would know I was on Sam's computer. Message: I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. It must have been hard to take. Ken (V.O.): I was scared. And yet, I was compelled to keep reading. It was as if I'd been waiting for this letter my whole life! Message: But don't worry. Your brother is in a better place than this world. He is finally at rest. But when his soul became free, yours became trapped. You bear the burden of both his destiny and your own. Now that your parents have lost their hopes for their perfect child, you will be expected to carry out the dream that Sam can no longer fulfill.

The dub talks a little around that cult talk, though not as much as I expected. They don't sidestep "His soul is free but yours is now bound" at all, but they do extrapolate it as a flowery way of talking about Ken and Sam's parental expectations, specifically.

Though the original message can be interpreted to be about those expectations, so it may be that the dub is simply bringing the subtext into the text. The transference of parental expectations is going to come up later in this episode.

The message continues.

Message: The conclusion that can be drawn is that the current world isn't suitable for you. Now I want to tell you that there's another world that suits you better. Ken: A world that suits me better? Message: A world that will set your spirit free.

Okay but you just said that death set Osamu's spirit free so. Uh. Yeah, now he is kinda telling Ken to kill himself. Metaphorically, at least. He's telling Ken to leave this world behind and go to another one, a better one. Just like Osamu did.

Message: Open the drawer. Ken: The drawer?

Ken reaches for the drawer, but then stops himself. He hesitates for a moment. But then he works up the nerve and opens it, revealing the Digivice.

Ken: Osamu-niisan.... Message: Use that Digivice.

When Ken picks it up, it glows with his light once more. He holds it up to the computer and the Digital Gate opens, drawing him inside.

God, this message is so fucking unnerving. This is so fucking dark. Parents, know who your children are being influenced by on the internet.

As an aside, I love Ken's moment of hesitation in opening the drawer. He's playing around on Osamu's computer with no problem, but Osamu punished him for opening that drawer before so he's reluctant to cross that boundary.

Even though Osamu's dead, the ghost of Osamu's authority continues to haunt Ken.

The dub, of course, is sticking to the "You'll be buried by expectations" angle.

Message: This world will become unbearable for you. Pressure to succeed will be too great. But let me tell you about another world that is much more appropriate. Ken: What does he mean by "another world"? Message: A world where your soul can finally be free. Where you answer to no one but yourself. Open the drawer. Ken: (gasp) The drawer! (Ken hesitates, but opens the drawer) Message: Use Sam's Digivice. Ken: I'm sorry, Sam.

Though it still says "Sam's soul was freed by his death, now let me tell you about how to free your soul." So the eerie implication is still there.

The message calls it Sam's Digivice, which is factually incorrect. It's obviously not his Digivice because it activated for Ken and not him. But that is how Ken was conditioned to think of it by Osamu/Sam's abuse. Original Ken will describe it the same way later in the episode.

On the other side of the Gate, Ken finds himself... somewhere else.

A great black ocean stretches out in front of him. One that should be familiar to those who've seen episode 13.

Ken: ...where am I...?

Stepping into the water, Ken kneels down and sinks his Digivice into it. The dark water changes it, transforming it into the Dark Digivice.

Clutching it, an eerie grin slowly crosses his face.

Ken: That's right, it's... This is my Digivice. It doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine alone.

There's a subtle implication that something's happening to Ken as he says this. When he first pulls the Digivice out of the water, his eyes has the typical anime catchlight, the little white dot in the upper corner of the eye signifying a little bit of light reflecting.

However, as he delivers this line and his face gradually contorts into that Digimon Kaiser grin, the catchlight fades. By the time he says the Dark Digivice is "mine alone", all light has vanished from his eyes.

In any case, once Ken has the Dark Digivice in his possession, we go to commercial.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): I'll never forget the first time I saw the Digital World. It was enormous! I stood there all alone in this huge, empty world.

Okay, two things.

First off, this is not the Digital World. At least not the one we refer to when we say "the Digital World". It's certainly a Digital World, but the Dark Ocean is explicitly a third place.

Second, this is not Ken's first trip. The first time he entered the Digital World was right after the Digivice first arrived. We didn't see what happened to him in there, but he clearly left and then returned. The reason Ken nonetheless doesn't recognize this place on arrival is because it's not the Digital World.

Ken: Where am I?

When Ken steps into the waters, a cacophony of voice clips from various Digimon Emperor line emerge and assault the senses. They're impossible to make out until Ken plunges the Digivice into the water.

Emperor: I've been waiting for you to get here. Now, let the games begin. Emperor: I'm your worst nightmare. Emperor: This world and everything in it belong to me. Ken: This is mine now! No one can ever take it away from me! Or hide it in a drawer! Heh, I'm in control now. Emperor: Soon, I will have control over the entire Digital World!

I think the implication here is supposed to be that the Dark Ocean programmed the Digimon Emperor into Ken?

Or it could be symbolic, with this being the moment Ken met his fate, so to speak.

The dub also takes its second commercial break here.

Returning from commercial, we also return to the present where Ken remains in bed.

His parents are in his room now, watching him sleep.

Mother: Those noises he's making... Is he having a nightmare? ...hey, Papa? Father: Hm? Mother: A long time after Osamu-chan passed away, right when Ken-chan was starting to look like Osamu-chan did when he passed, Ken-chan suddenly started to excel in his schoolwork. Father: Yeah.... Mother: At the time, we were happy because it felt like Osamu-chan had come back to us. But do you think we should have thought more about what that meant for Ken-chan?

Dad nods in agreement.

Father: Ken had plenty of great qualities of his own. But we were busy enjoying being known around town as the parents of a prodigy. Mother: And not just with Ken-chan. Father: Huh? Mother: Did Osamu-chan really like to study so much? I guess he didn't hate it, but lately I've been thinking that maybe he would have liked to play more. Father: Without even realizing it, we might have been keeping him from enjoying himself. Mother: We failed them as parents, huh? Father: We did.

Turning their attention back to the sleeping Ken, his parents plead for him to wake.

Mother: Ken, please wake up soon. Father: Ken, give me a chance to apologize.

And here, in turn, comes the explanation for why Osamu was an asshole. Like Ken, he too is a product of his environment. All children are.

We know Ken eventually crumbled under the pressure and fled into the escapism of the Digital World "video game". He ragequit his parents, he ragequit his society, and he threw himself into the only thing he had that was any fun. The one thing he enjoyed. Hideous misunderstanding though that was.

But Osamu didn't have that. He didn't have a Digital World to escape to. In fact, the Digivice had rejected him. He wasn't Chosen; It wasn't meant for him. So when Osamu cracked, his frustration and stress had to vent somewhere....

As this conversation bears out, the real responsibility lies with their parents. The burden of parental pressure to excel created Osamu's abusive behavior. And then the burden of parental pressure to excel and Osamu's abusive behavior created the DIgimon Kaiser.

In the dub:

Mother: I wonder if he's having a bad dream? I've been thinking.... Father: Huh? Mother: I was remembering back when Ken was younger. He was about the same age Sam was when we lost him. That was right around the time I first noticed a big change in Ken. Remember? He began to put all of his attention into his studies. Father: Yeah? Mother: It was almost as if our Sam had come back to us and I was the happiest mother in the world but I never stopped to think what effect it might have on Ken. Do you think it's possible that's the reason he became like this? (Dad nods) Father: Mhm... Maybe Ken didn't want to study so much. Maybe he wanted to spend more time playing. Although I do admit that I kind of enjoyed the idea of being the father of a genius. Mother: What about Sam? Father: Huh? Mother: What if we made the same mistake with Sam? He might have had interests we ignored. Father: You're right. It's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed him so hard. I loved the attention so much that I... I didn't realize what my son really needed the most: A chance to be a normal kid once in a while. Mother: I hate to say it but we failed as parents. Father: You're right. (Mom and Dad turn their attention back to Ken) Mother: Ken, please wake up. Father: Ken, please give us another chance to be better parents to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Dad. You both were too busy soaking up the praise to pay attention to your children's needs. I don't know why you're trying to take all the credit for ruining your kids. It's an awkward bit of blame-shifting on an otherwise solid adaptation.

From here, we return into Ken's mindspace.

Ken (V.O.): Where did my heart go? ...when I was little, I used to blow soap bubbles. Bigger... and bigger....

We join Ken on the balcony blowing soap bubbles again, but this time Osamu's smiling face isn't reflected in them. As we change shots to see Ken, Osamu is no longer standing there beside him.

Ken (V.O.): Yes, those soap bubbles were how I usually played. We mixed soapy water in a cup on the balcony and we'd cut the end of a straw to open it.

Bubbles fill the air, then recede to reveal a shot of another person with Ken, preparing the mixture. He's shot from the neck down; His face absent from memory.

Ken (V.O.): But who made the soapy water? Who cut the end of the straw? Mom? No.

The camera slowly pans up to reveal Osamu's smiling face.

Ken (V.O.): It was Nii-san. That's right... I couldn't blow bubbles unless I used the soapy water and straw that Nii-san made.

Of course it was. Who else would it have been? We've seen Ken's ugliest memory of Osamu, but now we return to Ken's happiest memory of him. A memory that corroborates what their mom was saying a moment ago; It's no coincidence that they were happiest when they both got to just play and be kids.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): I can't wake up yet. I still haven't found my heart. I'm still trying to get back to that little kid that used to blow bubbles on his terrace. I'd stand there for hours, blowing them bigger and bigger each time. Each one was completely empty inside, but none of them was as empty inside as I was.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR HAPPY MEMORY, KEN. FUCK.

Ken (V.O.): Maybe I was trying to show Sam that I could blow bubbles bigger than he could! And that I was better at something than he was! (Cut to Sam mixing the soapy water) Ken (V.O.): But then again, who was it that taught me to blow the bubbles? (Pan up to reveal Sam's face) Ken (V.O.): Who made the soapy water for me and cut the straws? It wasn't my parents. It was Sam.

Ken's still bragging about his bubble size. Mixing his bitterness into what will, in a moment, be contextualized as an act of gentleness.

The more conscious narration of the dub completely changes the tone of this memory. In the dreamlike state of the original, Ken seems to have momentarily forgotten Osamu only to find him again. It's a reminder of the happy times, momentarily lost to the darkness of the bad times, and a reinforcement of their parents' mistakes.

In the dub, he brings the darkness with him into the happy memory. Ken injects a bitter first-person account into his memory that completely taints the very notion that he was ever happy. These were still good times, but he didn't appreciate them because he was too spiteful.

Man, the dub just can't let this guy have an ounce of humanization, huh?

Entering more fully into the memory, Osamu finishes mixing the cup and holds it out for Ken.

Osamu: Ken, blow this. Ken: Got it!

Ken takes the straw and begins to blow. Ken and Osamu watch in amazement as his bubbles come out large and fully formed. Then Ken offers the straw and cup back to Osamu.

Ken: You do it too, Onii-chan.

Osamu reluctantly takes the cup.

Osamu: Ah, but... I'm not very good at it. Ken: There are things you can't do, Onii-chan!? Osamu: Of course! You're the best at blowing soap bubbles, Ken. It's because you blow them so gently.

This is where Ken being better than Osamu at blowing soap bubbles actually comes into play and is relevant to the story.

Important note: The word Osamu uses here is 優しい yasashii, which means "kindness". As in, Ken's Crest of Kindness. The Kindness that awakened the Golden Radiance.

But there isn't really a good way to fit that into an English translation because blowing bubbles "kindly" isn't a thing. 優しい Yasashii represents an overall sense of gentleness, tenderness, care, and consideration for people and things that makes "Kindness" a fair translation but not fully encompassing of the idea.

Point is, Ken blowing bubbles gently is a direct reference to his Crest virtue.

Osamu: I can't do it. They always pop.

To demonstrate, Osamu blows a bubble of his own. He gets it up to a decent size before it suddenly bursts, leaving Ken alone on the balcony once more.

Ken: Onii-chan? Come back, Onii-chan! Ken (V.O.): But he isn't coming back. Right... Osamu-niisan is dead.

And with him went the secrets of bubble blowing.

That's not a joke. It's a material symbol for the way in which Ken's life became quantifiably lessened by the loss of this person that, for better and for worse, was such a major influence.

When Osamu died, there was nobody to prepare the bubble mixture for Ken. This activity that he treasured left his life right alongside his brother. Because the fun activity and the time he spent with his brother are the same.

In the dub:

Sam: Okay, it's all set to go! Ken: Hehe! Thanks, Sam! (Ken blows bubbles) Sam: Attaboy! Wow! Great! Ken: You try to do it now. (Ken hands the cup back to Sam) Sam: Uh, well, I'm not very good at blowing bubbles. Ken: Come on, Sam! There's nothing in this world that you can't do! Sam: I can do it okay but my technique isn't quite as good as yours is. Your bubbles come out perfect because you're gentle. I blow too hard and mine pop right away. (Sam tries to blow a bubble and pops) Ken: Huh? Where'd you go? Sam! Come back! Please! Ken (V.O.): But Sam won't come back. He's gone forever. Maybe I am too.

This is pretty good. They don't say that Ken blows bubbles "kindly" so the reference to Ken's Crest is lost. But that's not a thing so it's no wonder they don't say it. They were kinda screwed on this point by the choice to translation 優しい yasashii as "kindness" a few episodes ago and we're in too deep to change it now.

With the benefit of hindsight, "Crest of Gentleness" or something might have worked better. But the dub does have a workaround to capture that comparison; There's just no room for it in this scene.

Finally, in his room, Ken wakes up.

Father: Ken! Mother: You're awake! Ken: Who are you?

Ken's words hit his parents like a truck. When they don't answer, he repeats the question.

Ken: Who are you? Mother: You don't recognize us? Father: (to Mother) Has he lost his memory? Ken: (thinking) No, I haven't lost my memory. What I meant to say was, "What do you people mean to me?" Mother: I can't believe he doesn't know who we are! Ken: (thinking) You don't know who I am either. Who are you guys? And who am I? Who? Who am I?

Ken's spoken words sound like amnesia but he's really having an existential crisis that he doesn't know how to convey. He may be physically awake but he's still lost. He still hasn't found his heart.

In the dub:

Father: He's awake! Mother: Ohhh! Are you alright? Ken: Who are you? (Parents gasp, no answer) Ken: Well? Mother: Ken, don't you recognize who we are? Father: It's amnesia! Ken: (thinking) No, I didn't lose my memory. I lost my heart. And until I find it, I don't know who I am or who anyone else is either. Mother: How could he not know who his own parents are? Ken: (thinking) You don't know me either. How could you? I don't know myself. Who am I?

I think the phrasing of "I lost my heart and I won't know who anyone is until I find it" makes this line a little harder to parse, but the idea is the same.

A point I want to bring up is that both versions of the episode have been using "heart" to encompass a person's complete emotional and mental and spiritual identity, the fullness of who that person is.

This is a Japanese definition that we don't really use in English; We tend to think of someone's "heart" to just mean their capacity for love, compassion, and empathy. But in Japan, your "heart" is the fullness of your consciousness and identity and emotional breadth. But despite the different meanings, it gets translated 1:1 here and in other Japanese media such as Kingdom Hearts.

For a western comprehension, we would consider that his soul. He's trying to find his soul. He is doing what English speakers refer to as "soul-searching" and, until he finishes, he won't really be able to quantify these relationships he has.

The point is that he knows objectively who his parents are. But he's trying to figure out his identity, to figure out who he is on an emotional level, and only once he has done that will he be able to define the significance that these people have to that person.

Mother: It's okay. Don't strain yourself. We're just glad that you're safe. Father: Ken, we might have pushed you to be like Osamu without realizing it. That was wrong of us. You're your own person and we couldn't see the great qualities you possess. Mother: Please forgive us and get better soon. Ken: (thinking) What are they saying? I don't understand. I don't know what they mean. Father: Osamu isn't with us anymore, remember? Ken: (thinking) That's right... Osamu-niisan isn't here anymore.... Mother: (crying) He's dead! Osamu-chan is gone! So all we want is for you to be yourself, Ken-chan! Ken: (thinking) She's crying. Why? I'm the one who's sad.

Tears begin to flow down Ken's face too at that remark. He reaches up and touches his face, feeling the tears flowing down it.

Ken: (thinking) Tears? There are tears in my eyes too? Why? Why am I crying? If nothing else, maybe I can share the sorrow of losing Osamu-niisan with these people.

This might be the first time the whole family has ever really stopped to grieve Osamu. Being able to use Ken as a replacement goldfish meant that they didn't really have to. But now the reality of Osamu's death is settling in not just on Ken but on his parents too.

Weirdly enough, Ken packing his things and ragequitting into the Digital World might just have been the shock to the system that his family needed to understand how badly they were hurting their son.

In the dub:

Mother: Ken, don't worry, you're safe now. We'll find you the finest doctor in the world! Father: Ken, while you were sleeping, your mother and I realized that we tried to make you more like Sam without really knowing it. We're very sorry. We should have seen the son we had instead of spending our time constantly looking for the son that we lost.

That is a brilliant adaptation of that line. I love it.

Mother: Forgive us! All we're asking for is a second chance! Ken: (thinking) I don't know what it is they want from me. How can I forgive them when I don't understand what they did? Father: Sam is gone forever. We know that. But we don't want to lose you too. Mother: (crying) Just be Ken. Just be your sweet self. Ken, just try! Just try! Please, for me.... Ken: (thinking) Why is she crying? I don't understand. When I'm sad, I just go numb. (Ken starts crying) Ken: (thinking) Wait, there's tears in my eyes too. Why am I crying? Is my heart closer than I think? Maybe these people and I can share the pain and sorrow of losing Sam together.

Aside from the part where Ken's mom tries to throw money at him, this is really good.

Cut to later in the day. Ken's standing by the living room window, staring out into the city.

Ken: (thinking) I'm hollow... Because I don't know where my heart has gone.

Mom approaches from behind.

Mother: Ken-chan, dinner's ready. Ken: ... Mother: Ken-chan?

Ken's mom places a hand on his shoulder, which breaks him from his trance. He turns and looks at her.

Mother: It's okay. You don't have to force yourself.

Then Ken spots a framed photo of Osamu on the table in front of him. Without a word, he picks it up and takes a closer look at it. His eyes somber and quivering. Mom also tears up behind him.

Mother: Osamu-chan's death affected you the most, Ken-chan.

Mom's still being patient with Ken and trying to give him the space he needs.

In the dub:

Ken: (thinking) I'm still searching. I know the answer is out there. I just have to figure out where to look. (Mother approaches) Mother: Ken, honey, dinner's ready. (Mom grabs Ken's shoulder) Mother: Hungry? (Ken turns around) Mother: Oh, sorry I startled you. It's okay; You can eat whenever you're ready. (Ken picks up Sam's picture) Mother: That's Sam. He was your brother. (Ken and Mom tear up) Mother: We were all devastated after the accident, but you were the one affected the most.

The extra line explaining Sam kinda makes sense since Ken's parents think he has amnesia. But it also kinda doesn't because they were already talking to him about Sam one scene ago.

Back in Ken's room, he sits down at his computer desk to find a startling sight.

The Dark Digivice and the Crest of Kindness are both waiting for him on his keyboard. Suddenly, Ken flashes back on Wormmon. Two shots of Wormmon pleading with him not to go through with Chimeramon and then one shot of Wormmon with tears in his eyes, the moment before he tackled the Digimon Kaiser into the desert sands.

Ken: (mournful) Wormmon....

Ken stands up suddenly, forcefully. Filled with more determination than we've seen him this episode.

Mom knocks at the door.

Mother: Ken-chan? Would you like some tea?

She opens the door, bringing a plate with some snacks and a teacup into Ken's room.

Mother: (startled) KEN-CHAN!?!?

But the room is empty. With no explanation to his parents, Ken's gone missing once more. Here, have some more trauma.

In the dub, Ken has a line when he sees the Dark Digivice and Crest of Kindness.

Ken: I know what that is!

His flashbacks also have dialogue in them.

Wormmon: Please, Master. Wormmon: Listen to me. Wormmon: Where's the Ken I used to love? (End flashback) Ken: Oh, Wormmon... I know where to look now! (Knock at the door) Mother: Ken, dear, I made you a nice cup of tea! (Mom comes in) Mother: Ken? Where are you? Not again!

Probably goes without saying at this point but that dialogue isn't what Wormmon was saying in those flashbacks. They are, however, an accurate summation of what he was expressing.

In the Digital World, Ken wanders.

He starts out in a gray, craggy area.

Ken: Where is my heart?

Then he roams a desert.

Ken: I want to find my heart.

And then wanders through a grassy region. There, he comes across a sight that's familiar to fans of the first series: The Village of Beginnings.

Ken: What's this?

From a cradle by Ken's feet, a friendly Poyomon answers.

Poyomon: This is the Village of Beginnings. This is where Digimon who perish are reincarnated as Digitama. Ken: Reincarnated? Wormmon too!? Poyomon: Every Digimon reincarnates as a Digitama.

You know, Takeru and Hikari probably could have told you about that. But you've been an absolute piece of shit and everyone hates you. In any case, a reinvigorated Ken races off into the field of Digitama to find his Partner again.

It's a subtle visual representation but Ken's physical journey from dull, lifeless gray to the vibrant colors of the Field of Beginnings obviously represents his metaphysical trip back towards finding his heart.

In the dub, Ken's lines aren't spaced between regions. He narrates over the whole journey.

Ken: (thinking) I know this place. I've been here before. This is where I have to look. I know that this is where I will find my heart. (Ken arrives at Primary Village) Ken: (thinking) Digi-Eggs. Hundreds of them. What is this place!?

The dub takes its third commercial break upon Ken's arrival here. They also play him out with danger music, like Ken's just stumbled upon some sort of perilous cliffhanger. But it's a nursery full of babies so it doesn't really work. XD

Weird-ass choice, dub.

Anyway, the cliffhanger of Ken entering Primary Village is swiftly resolved when we come back via Ken... being in Primary Village. Which is harmless.

Poyomon: This is the Primary Village! Ken: Primary Village? Poyomon: That's right! Ken: Huh?

Awkwardly, Ken doesn't realize he's being spoken to until he's already responded once because the lip flaps he uses to respond are the ones for "What's this?"

Poyomon: This is the place where all Digimon are reborn and they come back as Digi-Eggs! Ken: Reborn!? Wormmon too?! Poyomon: That's right! Digimon never die! They just get reconfigured. Ken: (relieved) Hahaha!

They reincarnate, but yes. Digimon comes from Japan where reincarnation is a core facet of belief in one of the two major religions that dominate that region.

The dub is not from a region where reincarnation is accepted and normalized, however. So they interpret this simply as "Digimon never die". But unlike the first anime, they aren't saying it to delegitimize character deaths.

They let us grieve Wormmon and only now are making the "Digimon don't actually die though" point at the portion of the story that's actually about Wormmon's renewal. So, good on them for that restraint.

Ken sprints into the field of Digitama, but then slows to a stop. The field is vast and the Digitama are many.

Ken: I don't know... Which one is Wormmon? In the same way I don't know who I am, how am I supposed to tell which one is Wormmon's Digitama?

Thank you for explaining the symbolism, Ken.

Suddenly, a nearby baby Digimon speaks up.

Yuramon: Aren't you the Digimon Kaiser!? What do you plan on doing with Wormmon's Digitama!?

Before Ken can answer, the Yuramon tackles him. Ken puts up his arms to shield himself and the Yuramon bounces off his shoulder, but the emotional damage outweighs the physical.

Ken: The DIgimon Kaiser? That's right... I am the Digimon Kaiser. The person who did those awful things. I'm responsible for Wormmon's death. What am I even trying to accomplish by searching for Wormmon's Digitama!?

More babies in the cribs surrounding Ken answer that question for him.

Punimon: If you find his Digitama, then Wormmon will come back. Then you'll be free from your responsibility for Wormmon's death! Free from the guilt of causing someone to die. Is that it? Botamon: You coward. Wormmon would never reincarnate for an underhanded creep like you! Ken: Wormmon won't come back? ...that's right, Osamu-niisan never came back either.

...does Wormmon have a choice? This is the first I'm hearing of Digimon being able to choose to remain dead.

I really love all the characterization in this scene. I love that they don't pull punches with Ken's responsibility. Because... yes. Wormmon didn't just die for Ken. Ken caused his death. Ken abused him, neglected him, ignored him, created the thing that killed him, and was cheering it on while it did. It is 100% Ken's fault that Wormmon is dead.

This episode has primed us to sympathize with and better understand Ken. But even so, you can also feel where they're coming from when the babies form a line of solidarity against Wormmon's abuser and tell Ken to go jump off a bridge. He is aggressively unwelcome in the Village of Beginnings. I'm surprised Elecmon hasn't charged in and powerbombed him.

In the dub:

Ken: Which Egg is Wormmon's!? It could be any one of them! I can't remember. What did his Egg look like!?

Shot in the dark but you probably don't remember because you never saw it. None of the DigiDestined have ever been present for their Partner's first hatching. Well, Taichi kind of. And Takeru was there for the second.

Ken: I don't know which one of these Digi-Eggs is Wormmon's! Just like I don't remember who I am or where I'm from.... Yuramon: You're the Digimon Emperor, aren't you? Ken: Huh? Yuramon: I'd recognize you even without your fancy clothes! HIYAAAGH!!! (Yuramon attacks Ken) Ken: Huh? The Digimon Emperor? ...that's right, I was the Digimon Emperor! I've done so many terrible things! I was responsible for Wormmon! If I would have realized the truth about the Digi-World sooner, Wormmon would still be here with me today! Punimon: You don't want to find Wormmon's Digi-Egg because you miss him. You just don't want to feel guilty anymore over causing his destruction. After all you did, we're not going to welcome you back with open arms even if we had 'em! Botamon: What do you think's going to happen? Wormmon's just going to hatch so he can be treated badly by you all over again? Ken: Wormmon won't come back to me? Just like my brother Sam didn't come back to me after he left....

You can feel the threading of that needle. They can't say "killed", they can't say "died", they can't say "caused him to die". But they still do a pretty good job of conveying all the sentiments here, and only have to cheat with "destroyed" once.

Ken unpacks what the babies have told him.

Ken: (thinking) That's the reality I didn't want to accept. Osamu-niisan is dead. Wormmon is dead. They're dead because of me. Niisan, who I hated more than anything. Wormmon, who I thought was the most worthless thing in the world.

Ken drops to his knees under the relentless barrage of emotional damage.

Ken: I'm the one who's worthless. Ken: (thinking) I'm worthless. I'm a speck. And now I'm grieving over Wormmon's death. What if I was the one who died? Wormmon would grieve for me, of course. Wormmon might be the only one who'd grieve. Ken: And yet I.... Ken: (thinking) I lost Wormmon to my own destructive habits!

Ken flashes back on Wormmon's death. A silent flashback to Wormmon saying his last words and then disintegrating in Ken's arms.

Note the return of "What if I died?" Yeah, we're not done with that topic. Here, in his grief, Ken proposes that Wormmon is the only person who would mourn for him, which makes what Ken did to Wormmon so much worse.

In the dub:

Ken: (thinking) This is a truth I don't want to face. Wormmon's not coming back. Sam's not coming back either. I caused both of them to go away. I hated my brother for getting all of the attention. I hated Wormmon because I felt he wasn't worthy of me. Ken: The truth is, I wasn't worthy of him! Ken: (thinking) These hands... These hands have caused so much pain. Sure, put a textbook in them and I'm a genius. But put a whip in them and I'm the evil Digimon Emperor. How could I have allowed this to go so far? If I only had the chance.... Ken: I'd say sorry, Sam! I'M SORRY, WORMMON!!! (Flashback) Wormmon: Good... bye, Ken. (Wormmon dies) Ken: (choked up) Wormmon, no....

As usual, the dubbed flashback has dialogue. That is what they said in the original, too.

Ken clarifies why he hated Sam so much in this version, though you'd think he'd also be mad about the hitting.

The dub isn't touching the "If I died" point with a ten-foot pole. Gave that topic a wide berth and instead starting wandered off to talk more generally about the wickedness of the Digimon Emperor.

Returning from flashback, the babies have more to say.

Punimon: You can't take back what you did! Once something is done, it can't ever be undone. Botamon: You can't just act like the past didn't happen. It's all part of you. The good stuff and the bad stuff is all a part of you. Ken: I have to accept that it's all part of me and live with it.

Dropping to his hands and knees now, Ken's tears drip onto the village's colorful nursery grass.

Ken: That I'm the Digimon Kaiser. That Nii-san is dead. That I caused Wormmon to die. That's fine... I can do that... Because, Wormmon, just the memory of you being with me will give me the strength.

Fuck, now I'm crying. T_T Ken deserves every part of this verbal dunking but I can still be sad about it.

Suddenly, Ken realizes something and looks up.

Ken: That's right! Wormmon, you've always been with me. Back then, I used Osamu-niisan's Digivice to explore the Digital World with you. Did I forget these memories? Or, rather, did I force myself to suppress them? But why? Why did I want to forget!?

Yep, we aren't done delving into Ken's past just yet. It's time to find out what exactly happened on that day he first entered the Digital World.

In the dub:

Punimon: It's too late for you now! You can't turn back time! What's done is done! You've made your bed, now lie in it! I'd go on but I can't think of any more cliches!

Really. Wow. Dub Team does not like this part of the episode. I'm not even going to call that an Abridged Parody-ass line; That is a Nostalgia Critic-ass line.

Botamon: The point is, you can't run away from the past! You've caused enough damage here. Why don't you crawl back under the Control Spire you came out of! Ken: Can't I start over? (Ken drops to his hands and knees and starts crying) Ken: I know that I've caused you all a lot of pain as the Digimon Emperor but I'm truly sorry now. Please forgive me! The cruel things I've done in the past won't ever leave me but I've got to move on with my life. I promise to concentrate on the good things in the past, not the evil. (Ken suddenly looks up in shock) Ken: I'll use my memories of Sam and of Wormmon to make me stronger... But I can't seem to remember any of the good memories. Only the bad ones keep playing in my head over and over again. I've blocked out the good ones. I must force myself to remember the beginning! I must think back to the first time I used Sam's Digivice to go to the Digital World!

The dub version of this speech is centered more broadly on Ken's penance for the crimes of the Digimon Emperor, rather than his personal relationships with Wormmon and Osamu. My favorite part is when he says, "I promise to concentrate on the good things and not the evil" which is literally the opposite of "The good and bad are both a part of you and you have to accept that".

Original Ken is undergoing a psychological self-examination and rebuilding the broken foundation for who he is as a person. Dub Ken is praying to the babies for redemption, and it feels more hollow as a result.

I also love that he says "I've got to move on with my life" to the people he's frantically apologizing too. "Look, I'm really sorry and I'll keep being sorry for another five minutes or so but then I'm over it, yo. I can really only spend so much time making this up to you."

Entering into the final flashback of the episode, we find Ken exploring a desert with an older boy by his side.

The boy is not identified but that's Ryo Akiyama from the Tamer video games. We're seeing a flashback to something that happened during Ken's time costarring in Tag Tamers.

The show leaves him hanging out there as an "If you know, you know" detail.

While they're walking, Ken accidentally triggers a random encounter and a Wild Pokemon Appears.

Gazimon: GAZIIIIII!!! Wormmon: LOOK OUT, KEN-CHAN!!!

A Gazimon explodes from the sand screaming their name for some reason and lunging at Ken. Wormmon tackles them in the chest, knocking them flat on their back but taking himself out with the recoil.

Gazimon is a Child-stage-- No, we're not doing any of that this episode. While the Gazimon scampers off, Ken rushes to his Partner's side.

Ken: WORMMON!!!

I love how Wormmon does win that fight but still in the most pathetic way possible. Ken appreciated him more back then but not because he was any better at vanquishing Ken's foes.

I also love how Wormmon beating back a fierce opponent and doing more damage to himself than his foe but nonetheless prevailing and saving Ken is a miniature version of the Chimeramon battle itself. This scene is a meaningful parallel.

In the dub:

Gazimon: YAAAAAAAGH-- (Wormmon tackles Gazimon and wipes them both out) Ken: Wormmon!

Gazimon doesn't yell anything in particular and Wormmon doesn't say anything when he intervenes.

Hurrying to Wormmon's side, Ken cradles his Partner.

Ken: Wormmon... Wormmon! Wormmon: (weakly) I'm okay... That was nothing....

I should hope so. It was your attack. XD

Ken: Wormmon.... Wormmon: I'm so glad I'm your Partner, Ken-chan. Ken: (gasp) Wormmon: Because you're so kind. Ken: Kind?

Ken flashbacks-within-a-flashback to blowing bubbles on the balcony with Osamu.

Osamu: You're the best at blowing soap bubbles, Ken. It's because you blow them so gently. (End flashback) Wormmon: But kindness alone isn't enough. You have to get stronger. Or else.... Ken: Or else? Wormmon: Or else you'll be crushed by your own kindness. Ken: (gasp) Wormmon: Ken-chan, that Digivice you have is yours. It's not anyone else's; It belongs to you. Just like how your heart belongs to you and only you. Don't forget that. And... Ken: And...? Wormmon: Don't run away.

Ever the insightful one, Wormmon pre-emptively cuts through all the bullshit surrounding "Osamu's" Digivice and in the process makes a meaningful statement about Ken himself. And even references Wizarmon's prophecy too while he's at it, because Wizarmon also fucking said that kindness alone is not enough.

It's just a shame that Ken got all of Wormmon's advice smacked out of his hand after he went home.

Wormmon is the Gabumon of this series. He has to do a lot of intensive emotional labor for the sake of a Partner who resists personal growth and is more stubborn than a bag of rocks. But eventually he starts to get there.

In the dub:

Ken: Wormmon! You okay? Wormmon: (weakly) I'm okay. It will take a lot more than him to beat me. Ken: Right! Wormmon: Ken, I'm really glad that I'm your Digimon and we're Partners. Ken: Huh? Wormmon: You're gentle and kind. That's why I like you. Ken: Huh? I'm gentle? (Flashback) Sam: Your bubbles come out perfect because you're gentle. I blow too hard and mine pop right away. (End Flashback)

I really like the way Wormmon conflates gentleness and kindness here in order to recapture the element of 優しい yasashii that was supposed to be a part of the bubble-blowing scene.

They couldn't make Ken's Crest virtue pop in that scene, but they use this flashback to have Wormmon harken back to it and go, "Actually, that was about his Crest virtue," retroactively.

Wormmon: But being gentle is not enough. You have to be strong as well. Otherwise, Ken.... Ken: Otherwise what? Wormmon: Your gentleness and kindness will become overpowered by those who are evil. Ken: Oh. Wormmon: It happens.

XD It happens. I don't think they knew what to make of the phrase "You'll be crushed by your own kindness".

To be honest, I'm not 100% on it either but I think Wormmon's referring to the exhausting effects of empathy overwhelm. Which a lot of us are familiar with these days.

Wormmon: The Digivice that you have belongs to you and not Sam. You're DigiDestined and no one can take that away from you. Evil forces will try to tell you otherwise but you can't listen to them! Never forget who you are! Ken: I won't! Wormmon: Do you promise?

They're roping in a lot of "evil forces" for this version of the speech. But at least they don't dismiss Wormmon's statements as "saying cliches" and refuse to engage with any of it. I'm still salty about that.

Returning from the flashback, Ken unpacks what he's just remembered.

Ken: It wasn't true that I didn't have anything. It was just easier to think that. Easier to resent Nii-san for it.

Ken folds his arms over his chest and cries.

Ken: I'm sorry, Osamu-niisan. I'm sorry, Wormmon. For the rest of my life, I'll accept those things that can't be undone.

This is where Ken finishes his delve into his past: With the acceptance that he can't go back. He can't change what happened to him, nor can he undo the way he felt in those moments or the things he's done to others.

In the same way that his parents can't go back and be better parents to their sons retroactively, Ken can't erase the way he resented Osamu. He can't erase the things he's done. He can't unkill Wormmon*. Those things happened and are a part of him now, and that's what he has to live with.

*Well, kind of. Wormmon is going to reincarnate like every Digimon, but Ken still can't take back what he said and did to Wormmon that led to that moment. Those things still happened.

In any case, this is the answer to the question of Ken's heart. This is Ken's heart. Everything that's been unpacked up to this point. The neglect and abuse inflicted on him and the cruelty that's come from him, but also the love and compassion that's been shared with him. Everything that's happened to bring him to this point is the totality of Ken's identity.

This revelation causes his Crest of Kindness to suddenly activate. Ken, startled, takes it out and stares at it. The one baby that doesn't hate his guts explains.

Poyomon: That's your Crest! Ken: My Crest?

Useful. Thanks.

As Ken's Crest glows, so too does a single Digitama across the nursery field. That same pink energy, the holy light of Ken's Kindness, lights it up. Inside the egg, an anxietous Baby Digimon waits.

Baby: Come and find me, Ken-chan! Hurry up and find me! Hurry! HURRY!!!

Ken does not hurry. He slowly approaches the Digitama and inspects it carefully.

Ken: This Digitama... Why is it glowing?

Good question. I'm sure there are many probable answers to that. Sometimes Digitama glow randomly. You should probably pay it no mind.

In the dub:

Ken: I broke my promise because I did forget. My whole life, I was trying to be someone else. Whether it was acting tough as the Digimon Emperor or trying to be more like Sam. (Ken breaks down crying) Ken: I've never been Ken. But I'm going to spend the rest of my life being the kind and gentle person that Wormmon wanted me to be!

Dub Ken's epiphany is that he needs to stop faking his personality and just be himself. Everything he's done as the Digimon Emperor was insincere and was just Ken "acting tough" out of insecurity.

There's an odd implication there that I don't know if it was intentional. That Ken started "acting tough" after Wormmon told him he needs to toughen up so he can throw hands at anyone who tries to take advantage of him kinda makes it seem like the Digimon Emperor is Wormmon's fault too.

I wonder if they meant to imply that?

(Ken's Crest glows) Ken: What's this? Poyomon: That's your Crest of Kindness! Ken: Are you sure it's mine? (Digi-Egg starts glowing) Baby: Ken, please find me! Please find me soon! Ken: That DigiEgg is different from the others.... Baby: Hurry, Ken! Ken: Something tells me I've seen it before. It's glowing just like the Crest of Kindness!

I don't know what's telling you that because you haven't.

The dub explicitly calls it the Crest of Kindness while Poyomon only calls it a Crest in the original. Though it's worth noting that we do know by this point what Ken's Crest is. Wormmon said it two episodes ago in his final moments.

Ken reaches out and grasps the Digitama. It glows even brighter and then pops, turning into a cradle with a little baby Leafmon inside of it.

NEW BABY JUST DROPPED

Leafmon is, of course, named for the leafy tail appendage that they use to shyly conceal themselves. Of course Wormmon's baby form would be a timid little thing.

Ken: Worm.. mon...? Leafmon: Ken-chan?

Ken starts crying at the sight of his reborn Partner.

Leafmon: You came looking for my egg?

Ken nods, then picks Leafmon up out of the cradle.

Ken: Yeah, I did. I searched everywhere for it. Leafmon: That's great! I knew you'd come find me! Ken: Wormmon.... Leafmon: What is it, Ken-chan? Ken: Thank you for being born.

This last line, "生まれて来てくれてありがとう Umarete kite kurete arigatou", is a Japanese expression that means pretty much exactly what it says. It's a way of expressing gratitude to someone for the positive influence that their existence has had on your life.

Wormmon tears up too at Ken's expression of fondness, and Ken embraces his Partner.

In the dub:

Leafmon: Hi, Ken! I'm Leafmon, the Baby form of Wormmon. (Ken cries, nods, and picks up Leafmon) Ken: I kept searching for you! I never stopped! Leafmon: Ken, thank you. You took a little detour in getting there but you kept your promise. Ken: What promise? Leafmon: Being kind and gentle. Ken: Thank you for giving me a second chance.

What do you mean, "What promise?" You just lamented like a minute ago that you broke your promise.

In the original, this conversation is about Ken and Wormmon's emotional bond. Leafmon is initially surprised that Ken came to find him, which makes sense given how Ken's treated him up to this point. Three episodes ago, the very idea that the Digimon Kaiser would care if Wormmon was gone was laughable.

But then Leafmon takes it back and admits that he had faith Ken would come. Despite everything Ken has become, Leafmon still believes in the boy he knew all those years ago. And, in this moment, that faith is rewarded with Ken's gratitude.

In the dub, this conversation is about Ken's atonement. "Thank you for being born" has become "Thank you for giving me a second chance". Ken intends to try harder to live up to Wormmon's expectations for him, and Leafmon acknowledges that he's on the right path.

While Ken hugs Leafmon, he thinks about the other relationships in his life and responds to a question he asked earlier, about who would grieve if he was the one who died.

Ken (V.O.): I'm so glad that Wormmon's alive. But is Wormmon the only person who's glad that I'm alive? No, of course not.

Back in the human world, we find Ken's mom weeping in the living room while his dad tries to console her.

Mother: HE MIGHT NOT COME BACK THIS TIME!!! Father: (worried) Don't be ridiculous! Of course he'll come back!

Suddenly, the door to Ken's room opens and he enters the living room.

Mother: KEN-CHAN!?!? Father: Where have you been!? Mother: We thought you disappeared again!

Stunned, Ken watches his mother cry.

Ken: (thinking) She's crying... Mom's crying because I went away... Ken: ...Mama.... Father: What was that? Mother: What did you say? "Mama"? Did you say "Mama"!? Ken: Mama... Thank you for giving birth to me.

Overwhelmed by emotion, Ken's mom pulls him into a hug and cries with relief.

Ken: Papa... I'm sorry I made you worry.

Ken's dad responds with a silent but affectionate pat on the head.

This, in turn, is the answer to the other question. The question of who would even miss Ken if he died. A question that's haunted him since those early days, that we already saw the answer to when he did erase himself from this world, but that Ken only now understands.

Please pay no attention to the continuity error, in that Ken's room was presented as being at the end of a hallway in previous episodes but now it opens directly into the living room.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): I wonder... If I was the one who was gone instead of Sam, would Wormmon be the only one who would miss me? Mmm... No, I don't think so. (Cut to crying parents) Mother: This time he might not come back at all! Father: Don't say such things. He'll be back! I'm sure of it! (Ken returns) Mother: KEN!!! Father: Ken! Where have you been!? Mother: We've been so worried about you! Ken: (thinking) Now I understand why she's crying. She missed me. Just like I missed Wormmon. Ken: Mama.... Father: What... did you say? Mother: He said "Mama". That means... he knows me! Ken: Mama! I'll give you that second chance if I can have one. (Mom hugs Ken) Ken: Thanks for being such great parents.

They are not. Like. Half the point of this episode is how badly their parenting has damaged their children. Weird thing to say right after offering a second chance, which implicitly acknowledges that they fucked up.

I actually really like the "I'll give you a second chance if I can have one" line but the follow-up kinda ruins it.

The dub lays the parallel here bare: As Ken's parents have fucked up their stewardship of their son, so too has Ken fucked up his stewardship of Wormmon and of the Digital World more broadly. These two things are not exactly the same. But they are the same kind of things.

The way Ken feels for the loss of Wormmon is the same as what his parents feel for their losses of Osamu and Ken. And as Ken gets a second chance to do better by Wormmon, so too do his parents get a second chance to do better by Ken. The dub drags this subtext out into literal text and they are right, that is what the episode is saying.

But their attempt at figuring out an organic English-sounding translation for "Thank you for giving birth to me" leaves much to be desired. XD

While Ken embraces his family, we close in on the photo of Osamu on the table under the windowsill.

Ken (V.O.): For the first time, I feel like I can now say this, Osamu-niisan: "Thank you for everything".

As he says this, we close on a shot of Leafmon hiding behind the bedroom door. Leafmon in the human world for the very first time, finally welcome as a part of Ken's real human life.

In the dub:

Ken (V.O.): And now I can finally say it: Thank you, Sam, for helping me find my heart. Narrator: Now that Ken is no longer the Digimon Emperor, will he join the DigiDestined? Find out on the next Digimon: Digital Monsters!

I was all set to be like "Fuck you, get out of here, Narrator! We're having a moment!" But actually, the Narrator doesn't try to make a spooky cliffhanger out of this like he usually does and instead asks a fairly valid question. So you get a pass this time, Dub Narrator.

So, did we find out the answer to last episode's question: Is T.K. right about the DigiDestined having a new enemy?

Well... It wasn't a big part of the episode but that email Ken got sure was ominous. So that probably counts. I'm gonna give this to 'em only on the thinnest possible margin.

Assessment: Okay, yeah, I can see why we needed to go on wacky piss adventures before doing this. This episode is complicated as fuck.

It doesn't really absolve Ken of the things that he's done but it also doesn't purport to. It says in no uncertain terms that those things are a part of him, just as his family's emotional abuse and some physical abuse from Osamu are, and just as the good times he shared with Osamu as well are. It's all part of the greater whole that makes up Ichijouji Ken, a Greater 'Hole.

You can even see parallels in the way Ken treated his Digimon versus his own upbringing. In particular, there's something interesting in the way Ken's parents neglected him in favor of his exceptional brother and how it relates to Ken's own snubbing of Wormmon in favor of first Agumon and then the exceptional Chimeramon.

Ken took the worst parts of his perception of his parents and his brother, and he magnified them in the Digimon Kaiser. He learned it from watching them and passed it along but without any of the nuance. There were good times as well as bad with Osamu and his parents, but he distilled only the bad into the Kaiser, the manifestation of Ken cracking under the pressure of becoming Osamu's replacement goldfish.

This episode goes a long way towards humanizing Ken while keeping its focus limited on Ken's backstory and relationship with Wormmon. We do see in his encounter with Punimon and Botamon that he despite the progress he makes here, he is very much unwelcome in the Digital World and understandably so.

But his willingness to accept himself, to accept the totality of himself, nonetheless sees both Ken and his parents rewarded with a second chance to be better for the people they love.

[more-than-a-princess]

He was right to be concerned: Sonia often didn't keep to her word when she insisted she'd stay within the castle walls, but that was only because she'd never see the world otherwise. In most instances, it wasn't the threat her parents and the royal council perceived it to be: just a different sort of life, full of people with different choices and different problems but nothing that automatically made them a threat. But the Witch Cult was something different, and she understood that, now more than ever, her safety needed to be guaranteed: hers and the entire Royal Family's.

"Yes, yes, I will stay true to my word," She assured him, swallowing her complaints as he lifted her into his arms again to take flight. Later, when all of this was done, they'd return to that discussion about boundaries and how it was demoralizing to be, as it was often called, 'princess-carried.' For now, she'd loop her arms around his neck and stay silent on the flight home, through the golden afternoon light as the sun began to set.

Literally and figuratively, once Reinhard had landed back in Novoselic Castle and set her down. "Yes, I understand," She replied, though she had no intention of doing so. Not with the way the guards stationed at the top of the towers muttered between one another: her absence had definitely been noticed, and not in a good way. Besides, she thought as he stepped back and away from her to begin his pursuit: the people of her nation needed him and his abilities far more than one singular princess did. "Good luck."

It wasn't as if his divine gifts would change the likely reckoning ahead. Once Reinhard was out of sight, Sonia exhaled deeply and turned to where the guards had parted, something they only did for authority. In this case, Gabriel, the head of the Royal Family's security. A man, if she had to guess, in his late forties or early fifties who was a bit of an oddity at court: whereas most Novosonians were pale-skinned with a variety of hair colors, his tone was distinctly tanned, with complimented his jet black hair and short beard. His father, Sonia knew, was Novosonian: his mother, however, hailed from a distant land. One with a coastline and a beach, two things Novoselic lacked.

He cleared his throat, the sword at his side swinging slightly in its sheath as he did so. "Welcome home, Your Royal Highness." A gentle tone but a steely gaze. Not as sharp as the blade he wielded when necessary: this was worry, not anger. And an eyebrow raise, as he looked her up and down. "New armor?"

"Gabriel," Sonia nodded, with less enthusiasm than she even showed Reinhard. She wouldn't glare, but she wouldn't be particularly pleased to see him. "Yes, though I'll ask you not to inquire as to how I obtained it."

"You realize that I will find out regardless?" He replied, stating the obvious before sighing. "Come, your mother is waiting in your rooms." Another statement of the obvious, though Sonia frowned anyway, her eyebrows knitting together in a combination of both irritation and exhaustion.

"Well, I would not wish to deprive you of the opportunity to uncover its origin yourself," She retorted, though the sullen tone of defeat wove its way through her words. "And of course she is. Lead the way, then?"

And he did, through the lesser-traveled spiral staircases often used by the staff until he reached the hallway to Sonia's apartments in the castle. Gabriel opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it, closing it instead. Even the small movement was audible, and Sonia didn't need to see him to know what he was currently wrestling with: did he give Princess Sonia advice, when she was not his child, like a father figure?

She didn't encourage it, anyway: she never did. Gabriel wasn't a bad person at heart, but he overstepped boundaries in the Royal Family, and she found it difficult to forgive. For now, he was doing his job at least as he pushed open the door to her rooms, announced her return, and stepped aside for Sonia to walk past.

"Oh for goodness sake, I am well-aware she's returned," Came the high-pitched voice of Queen Valentina of Novoselic. Dressed in sage green gown that had a tendency to blend into the silk upholstery throughout the Castle, she was as relaxed as Sonia would ever witness her being: in one of her plush chairs by the fireplace, decked out in no less than a pair of earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, and a hairclip encrusted in round peridot gemstones set in gold and tiny diamonds. Her hands were only mildly busy with her embroidery of a red Novosonian rose, her mind clearly occupied. Even moreso when she set the sewing project aside to stand and glare at her only child.

"Sonia."

Sonia couldn't stifle the small gulp of anxiety she had when being alone with her mother, particularly when she was upset with her. Which was often, ranging from the usual disappointment to whatever she was barely holding back now. A few inches taller than her daughter with all the beauty and pale blonde hair she'd passed down to her, it was Valentina's emerald eyes, colder and more piercing than Sonia's own blue, that tended to differentiate mother and daughter for everyone who saw them together.

"Mother," She replied, squaring her shoulders as she glanced up to meet her gaze. "I trust you have had a pleasant day with your embroidery?"

The wrong thing. For as eloquent as she was in front of the Royal Council, the court, her country's citizens, the same didn't apply to the Queen of Novoselic. Queen Valentina's retaliation was swift: a firm slap across her daughter's cheek, enough to make Sonia, in all of her fine armor, stumble slightly. Just as she'd done when she'd witnessed the scene of charred skeletons that had once belonged to her people. Unlike the skeletons though, they didn't leave a red imprint on her skin nor did they launch into a tirade.

"What nerve you have, my child, to comment on something as innocuous as my embroidery when you had the foolish idea to leave Novoselic Castle once again, unofficially and unaccompanied, during a WAR!" She shouted. Her usual voice, pleasant and high and sweet, had the ability to turn cold and angry when she was around her own family. Sonia in particular when she acted out of turn, but the princess had been acquainted with it well before it was directed at her: it was the tone Queen Valentina took with King Alexandre more often than not behind closed doors, around members of staff sworn to secrecy. "More than once, I might add! I thought you would understand my unwillingness to grant you an audience yesterday would be enough to show my disappointment in this pitiful excuse I have for a crown princess, but no, Sonia. No, instead you decide to escape the guards again and place yourself in danger! On your own, you could have been kidnapped! You could have died!"

"But I wasn't alone!" Sonia blurted out. Her usual composure always seemed to evaporate in her mother's company. She'd never be the monarch and yet she still had a power over her daughter that Sonia still resented. "Well, yesterday I was until I managed to help free some of the trapped knights, but today I was with Sir Reinhard for the duration of my departure. You should have seen it, Mother: Murten is completely devastated, burned to the ground with the only survivors having mutated, turned into monsters that seek to ravage our lands! If we hadn't seen it firsthand today, our traveling party full of supplies and support would have made the journey with no one to save, and could have been further cornered by the Witch Cult to attack outright!"

"As if the loss of any of them matters," Queen Valentina gave a sigh of exasperation, using the same hand she'd struck Sonia with to rub her temples. "You matter, Sonia. If you had been killed, the order of succession then reverts to your Uncle Arthur, and then your cousins! Do you think Novoselic could survive him? You are unmarried and without an heir! At present, your greatest asset is your virginity and your beauty. Even if you weren't killed, what if you'd been burned yourself? Scarred? Assaulted? Do you not understand that this war will eventually end and we will need to hasten the husband hunting process for you? You are already twenty-two, and while the war has put the social season on pause, you are still getting far older than eligible consorts would prefer for the mother of their children!"

It was Sonia's turn to scoff: an eyeroll, she felt sure, would earn a slap to the untouched cheek. "Incredible," She replied in a huff. "That as the future leader of this country, my value for its citizens centers upon my appearance and my ability to make babies!" She didn't need to ask and her mother didn't need to confirm it: if she'd been born a boy, both the pressures of beauty and the ability to bear an heir wouldn't be on her shoulders. Rather, her ability to lead a country and an army, to be both well-read and physically fit, to be charming and charismatic with a vision for the future.

Her mother's hand balled into a fist at her side, though whether it was from her daughter's insolence or directed towards the world they lived in, Sonia couldn't say. Still, she felt a little relief when the tension disappeared from her mother's hand: one slap, Queen Valentina had decided, was enough. "Well, your father will address that rogue knight of yours when he decides to show his face in court again," She declared, running a hand through her long hair. "Go clean yourself up: your dinner will be sent to your apartments again this evening. You are not to go anywhere, not even the library." The only thing that could cut Sonia deeper than she'd already been as she opened her mouth to protest, though Gabriel had beaten her to it.

"Your Majesty-" He'd begun without truly thinking, soft, in an accent that was distinctly un-Novosonian. The sort of accent and dark gaze that when Queen Valentina met his eyes, her steely resolve began to crumble, looking at him with far more tenderness than she ever did her husband.

"Oh hell," It was Sonia's turn to glare. "Could you two not even wait until you've left my apartments?" The only retort that wouldn't earn her a strike, she knew: everyone in Novoselic Castle was guilty of something. Sonia's guilt was a particular defiance of keeping within the Castle walls, but she felt her mother's was far more damning.

At least they'd soon left. To do what, Sonia didn't want to imagine, though she had a good idea. She had half a mind to snap at the next knock at her door but held her tongue when Cecily entered with a brief curtsy, a look of recognition on your face. "Your Highness, welcome home," She greeted Sonia solemnly. "Shall I fetch the ice?"

Sonia nodded, half in the process of tugging on a clean gown, this one in a shade of teal blue. Cecily moved quickly to do up the buttons and laces in the back with nimble fingers before presumably seeking out the icebox in the kitchens. "Yes, Cecily, thank you: it may be the only thing that'll get the swelling under control."

Her lady's maid left with a brisk swishing of skirts, and only then did Sonia fall against her feather mattress, exhausted in more ways than one.

He paused, his chest rising and falling with the heavy breaths of a warrior who had fought a grueling battle. His eyes, though they remained stoic, held a flicker of pain that she understood all too well. The weight of his gaze bore down on her, and she knew he was contemplating her words. He had arrived too late to save this village, and the realization was a heavy burden to bear. That was the one thing he cannot do, he cannot save everyone, all of this skill, all of this power, everything that he has, and people still die, the title of the hero, was not one he would wish upon anyone at all, it has and always will be, like a curse that he has to carry with him, and try not to allow it to ever beat him down and cause him enough harm to truly crack his heart and make him begin to doubt the path he walks.

"Your Highness." He said finally, "it is not your place to be on the battlefield. Your role is to lead your people, to inspire them, and to ensure their safety from afar." His voice was firm, but not unkind. It was the voice of a man who knew the cost of war, who understood the gravity of his own power. "But, I’m concerned …" He continued, his expression softening slightly, but a promise from a princess, was something he could not ignore. “I will take you back right away, as long as you keep your word.” And he will move to the outskirts and check on other villages and towns.

He had done what needed to be done here, there was nothing else he could do, he didn’t doubt her knights and those who take up sword and shield to protect the weak and the innocent within these lands, but these creatures, creations from the witch-cult, something that not many people get to see, and then live to speak about, they are dangerous, very dangerous, as he would hold her for the moment.

"Your Highness, hold tight." His firm voice broke through her thoughts as they ascended once more, the village shrinking into the distance behind them. His eyes searched the horizon, as if seeking out the next chapter of the grim tale they were living. As he would cut across the skies themselves then, he had not accounted for this to happen, it was something he was not ready for, but without her with him, he could move faster, and cut loose a little bit with his skills and deal with any more creatures that might be out there.

The journey back to Novoselic Castle was a silent one, the only sound being the distant whispers of the wind and the occasional crackle of magic in the air. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret, looking back at the smoldering ruins of Murten. A village, just erased from the land, the people killed and those not, turned into monsters, longing for death. There was no cure, none. There was no way to break the curse on them, he had no choice, he had to end there suffering.

As they approached, the castle grew from a distant silhouette to a sprawling bastion of stone and steel, gleaming in the weakening light of the day. He brought them down with a gentle thud on the castle's ramparts, his steps sure and swift even as they touched the ground. The guards on the walls looked up, a mix of shock and awe on their faces as the legendary Sword Saint descended from the clouds with the princess in tow as he stepped back and would bow to her.

“If anything is wrong, just say my name and I will come back.” As he would bow, and then turn slightly, his coat blowing up behind him as he jumped .. and then he was gone instantly.