#because I’ll just get ignored regardless and nothing I say is of any value Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[roseofcards90]

I just love it when my project group forgets I’m even in it 🥲

[thechekhov]

Hi! I saw on a post that you're agender and I'm kinda questioning my gender (again) but what interested me more about that post was that you said you believe that gender is a social construct and I'm not really familiar with that theory. I was wondering if you could explain to me what the whole idea is? (bc I kinda only feel like a have a gender in social situations? In my head, my dreams and how I picture myself in the future, I'm genderless idjskahwksjejensj) Sorry for bothering you if I did.

This is a BIG topic and it opens a LOT of wormholes. 

We’re gonna do this in pie slice statements that will hopefully help explain what I mean. Please keep in mind I’m going to simplify many things for the sake of readability.

1) What is a social construct? 

Social constructs are ideas that are negotiated by social groups. Something being a social construct does not make it ‘not real’. 

For example, money is a social construct. Yes, we have cash - coins, credit cards - but these are physical props that are REPRESENTATIVE of the idea of currency. You have some form of credit to your name - the money is a socially agreed-upon idea of value being represented by bills in your hand, by numbers in your bank account. 

[Description: Two humanoid figures are standing side by side. The right-side figure is holding a rock in its hand. 

Right side figure: Let’s agree that this shiny rock is worth 2 sheep.

Left side figure: Sounds fake but ok.]

Technically, countries are also social constructs. We, as a society, negotiate what a country is, and this can be changed.

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of a dotted line drawn on the ground. The left figure is pointing down at it while the right figure watches, its arms crossed.

Left figure: Let’s pretend that everything on this side of the imaginary line is mine.

Right figure: ...ok but my house is over there.

Left figure: ... for 3 shiny rocks you can come visit.]

Does that mean canada isn’t real? No. (I mean, obviously canada ISN’T real, but we all agree to pretend it is.) The thing that makes it real is that we are in agreement, and all follow the social rules of pretend to make it seem like the Canadian border, the idea of Canadian citizenship, etc... is an objective fact. (It’s not. These are in fact, negotiable limits and parameters. We have laws in place to define it in legal terms, but those laws can be changed, or may change in the minds of communities. That’s why it’s a construct.)

By that same token, I hold the view that gender, as we largely perceive it in modern society, is a construct. Why? Because it is not inherent; we, as a society, negotiate its meaning. 

2) What is gender? 

People will probably fight me on this and that’s fine, but here’s my (simplified) understanding of gender (from someone who personally has none)

Gender is a social category negotiated by cultures based on your assigned or desired role in your community that influences, among many other things, your physical appearance, your role in family units, your expected position in jobs, etc. 

How I think it happened:

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of the panel, both holding children-looking figures. The one on the left is wearing purple. The one on the right is wearing green.

Green figure: Hey, I’ve got an idea. What if we separate the babies into two groups based on physical traits they have no control over?

Purple figure: Wh-- okay...?

Green figure: And then limit the jobs they can do and the community ritual involvement available to them based on that!

Purple figure: ... I feel like this is going to backfire on us someday.

Green figure: Nah, it’ll be fine.

The past panel is a dramatic closeup on the purple figure’s face - which is featureless - betraying a deeply doubtful emotion. It says nothing.]

Important points to remember: what gender looks like, what the limits are, what the expectations are... are not inherent to any human biology. We make up gender roles. This is evident in the fact that across the world, gender roles differ by culture. The positions people of a certain gender are allowed to take up are different. What is perceived to be ‘girly’ or ‘boyish’ is different across cultures. 

Simply speaking - currently the (western) model we have, dumbed down, is:

You are assigned male at birth because of physical characteristics

You are raised being told to ‘toughen up’ and ‘boys don’t cry’ and encouraged not to show emotions

You are taught to wear male-coded clothes and discouraged from female-coded fashion choices

You are given more opportunities to participate in sports, encouraged to engage in physical activity, etc

You are not expected to need time off for child-rearing 

Here’s where gender as it works in society breaks down into being not a real thing but instead something we thought up: 

Nothing about having a penis necessitates wearing pants. Nothing about having XY chromosomes means you need to keep your hair short. Nothing about your genome makes the experience of nail-polish different for any human being. 

All of these are arbitrary traits we decided were allowed or not allowed to a specific group of people based on entirely unrelated physiology. 

Even if we delve deeper, there is MORE variation among individuals of the same ‘sex’ than there are, on average, of members of the ‘opposite sex’ when compared to each other. 

Many people use the excuse ‘women are physically not as strong as men’ to say that this has an evolutionary aspect driving these cultural, historical, socially-constructed gender requirements. 

But if there was a physical reasoning behind the culturally-set gender-limited job expectations, then we actually WOULDN’T need a traditional binary gender system to sort ourselves into categories. It would simply be decided as a meritocracy - stronger individuals, regardless of gender, would be given physically-demanding jobs. (Also we know that many jobs thought to be ‘traditionally male’ are just the result of sexist bullshit, so this reasoning doesn’t fly any further than I can throw it which is, coincidentally, not very far. Politics is one such area. Doctors are another. We can go on but I think you get my drift.)

My own example of this is an anecdote when my grandparents came to visit my partner and I in Japan. While we were driving down to Tokyo, my grandmother - who has a PhD in entomology - began to say that driving is a masculine activity and women shouldn’t be driving as it was ‘un-woman-like’. My partner almost immediately fired back that in Japan, studying insects or having any interest in them whatsoever was considered a heavily masculine-coded activity. In Russia, there is no such assignment, and my grandmother was left silently blinking in confusion, unable to come up with any excuse except ‘well, all cultures are different, I suppose...’

Do either of these things inherently have a gendered aspect? Of course not! But we assign gendered ideals to them anyway.

3) If gender is made up and constructed by society, then does that mean trans people aren’t real?

No.

Even if you agree that gender is a social construct, trans people are still real. TERFs don’t get a pass. Why? 

Because gender - as a social construct - still affects our everyday lives, dictates our social position in our community. Transitioning is still a thing that has to happen. The fact that you are NOT easily able to decide your own gender and are ostracized for wanting to transition, abused for dressing the way you want to be perceived, and bullied for wanting people to refer to you with different pronouns - all those are the effects of a social construct that has very REAL impact on our lives.

This is also why I dislike defining trans-ness by dysphoria. Because transgender people are not only their suffering - the suffering is coming from the outside!! Many trans people remember not being concerned about their gender identity in their childhood, because they did not yet perceive the world as being hostile to their desire to fulfil a specific role in society. The issues and self-hatred and dysphoria begins when they express wanting to be themselves - a life which they are forbidden from pursuing based on physical characteristics they were born with.

Does this mean we should try to remove gender from society? If we constructed it, we can deconstruct it, right?

Realistically, I highly doubt this is possible. Gender is so ingrained in our daily lives that it would be difficult. Nor, I would say, would it be necessary to achieve world peace. 

Having social groups - having gender - isn’t inherently a bad thing. The bad thing is when we limit those social groups to specific basic human rights, like voting, or when we forbid them from transitioning from one to another based on things that are out of their control. 

Also, I’m not saying genitals and secondary sexual characteristics aren’t real. Please don’t bother sending me that angry message, I’ll ignore it, I promise. 

But the concept of gender IS something we thought up and maintain and negotiate with each other to this very day. It’s not granted to us by a higher power, nor is it a constant, unchanging thing. It’s a part of the human experience and like everything, it has the potential to evolve - as a concept in our communal memory, as well as on an individual level, for people who feel they want to be perceived differently. 

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk!

[veliseraptor]

Okay I'm new to this fandom and I'm a bit confused. Did Xue Yang and Meng Yao know each other? Did Meng Yao free him?👀Do xue yang know he has a parentage that dabbled in demonic cultivation?

congratulations, anon! you have hit the nail on the head of one of my perennial aggravations about cql-canon specific details, which is to say ‘what the hell is the deal supposed to be with meng yao and xue yang in qinghe?’

there is no real indication that they might have known each other except some meaningful side-eyes going on that don’t make a lot of sense in context other than, maybe, pre-flagging the idea that meng yao is ~problematic~ and ~untrustworthy~ I guess? (which, ask me how I feel about the idea that everything jin guangyao does forever is bad and sinister, regardless of timeline, effect, or motivation). but there’s no real, substantive indication (up until the empathy flashback in ep 41, I’ll get there) that they are familiar with each other, or that they actually do any collaborating at that point.

you could definitely headcanon them as knowing each other previously based on the fact that they both grew up in less than ideal circumstances, shall we say, but I don’t think there’s any evidence for it in-text other than aforementioned meaningful side-eyes. in fact, canonically we know where they both grew up locationwise and it wasn’t in the same place. but like, seriously.

(and holy shit this got long, I’ll spare you all with a read more. also: I have broken my usual ‘referring to jin guangyao as jin guangyao always’ rule for the sake of this post given that it is specifically about the era where he is going by meng yao, but it did feel really weird.)

speaking specifically with what we see in text (in episode 10), we see meng yao argue against executing xue yang, but only after wei wuxian has done so first. the next explicit link between them is when meng yao leaves the fight between wen zhuliu and nie mingjue saying that he’s going to go check on xue yang; following that, we’re told that xue yang has escaped and meng yao claims he saw the captain free him.

which is, considering the fact that he’s killing the captain at the time, a highly suspect statement to make.

there’s no reason for meng yao to be working with xue yang at this point! there’s just not! it doesn’t make sense for him even from a purely self-interested standpoint and, again, at this point in canon there’s no actual reason to believe that they have any prior familiarity.

(’but lise what about the flashback-’ yes I’ll get there.)

if you want my personal reading, which I think is compatible with the text as we see it, it goes like this:

1. xue yang quickly notices meng yao as a potentially interesting person. I don’t think it’s about seeing him as an ally or knowing him from anything beforehand - I think it’s about seeing him as interesting and kind of funny.

2. meng yao registers that there’s a distinct possibility of nie mingjue dying and/or the wen sect attacking the nie in force and decides to short-circuit that by just freeing xue yang himself, because he knows nie mingjue won’t do it but if xue yang’s gone then that (at least temporarily) solves their wen problem.

my evidence for this is based around the timing of when meng yao leaves to “check on” xue yang (mid-fight, specifically after wen zhuliu, inarguably a greater threat, takes over from wen chao), the fact that he looks definitely concerned when he does so, and the fact that, given where he is at this point, letting xue yang out otherwise makes no sense.

this does not strike me as the face of a person who is a-plottin some sinister business, and this isn’t a face he’s making at anyone, either; this is pure ‘ah fuck this ain’t good’ expression.

(yes, yes, I know, episode 41 flashback, I told you that we’d get there.)

3. meng yao frees xue yang, probably hoping he can make it as bloodless as possible; xue yang, in xue yang fashion, makes it as bloody as possible; meng yao sees his chance to do something about the guy he has always hated and who has repeatedly undermined him, and who probably also caught him in the middle of an incriminating action that nie mingjue would absolutely not accept as justifiable.

4. xue yang bounces, leaving jin guangyao caught holding the sword and surrounded by several dead bodies.

and then they don’t see each other again until xue yang ends up at jinlintai at some unspecified point down the timeline.

regarding the episode 41 flashback (see? I promised!), the view we get of meng yao talking with an unspecified person heavily implied to be xue yang doesn’t make sense in some very critical ways that also align with the selective editing that nie mingjue’s memories seem to have done on incidents we previously saw from a (presumably) omniscient perspective. many people other than me (see here, here, and here for some examples) have written eloquently about the disparities between the scenes as we see them in earlier episodes compared to what we see in the flashback, and how that suggests at least some unreliability of nie mingjue’s memories despite their presentation, since they are visually coeval with the rest of canon, as equally reliable. 

(what would be different if the empathy flashbacks were in some way visually demarcated, I wonder? it’s a thought. I like that they’re not because unreliability of narrative/narrator is such a theme, but.)

ANYWAY, regarding the section where we see that conversation between the captain and meng yao, now with bonus mysterious feet (implied to be xue yang) - a few things stand out to me.

one: nie mingjue has no way of having seen this - no personal access to what he’s supposedly seeing in his own memory. this suggests the possibility, at least, that this is a fabricated assumption of a memory. (”I believe this happened, and this is how I would reconstruct it happening.”)

two: possibly more significantly: the scene as played here doesn’t fit with canon as we see it in episode 10 itself. the scene with the captain and meng yao, as we see it earlier, includes here several additional lines of dialogue. considering the other discrepancies within the empathy flashback with previously seen canon, episode ten’s version, by virtue of not taking place within a (flashback of a) flashback and within the pov of an extremely biased character, could be read as more reliable.

see also: the flashback with the captain seeing meng yao talking to someone (implied to be xue yang) is placed directly after nie mingjue accuses meng yao of plotting with xue yang - an accusation he doesn’t make in the scene as it originally plays in episode 10. this is another place where there are several lines of dialogue that weren’t present in the earlier version of the scene, inserted apparently seamlessly into the record.

taken together, with the above where it does not make sense to me that meng yao was ~plotting~ with xue yang prior to freeing him as a way of getting the wens off nie mingjue’s back, I’m inclined to think that moment in the episode 41 flashback is a nie mingjue-generated presumption of what must have happened, rather than a factual account of what did.

meng yao’s choices in episode 10 make much more sense - as someone who, if nothing else, is definitely interested in preserving his position as part of the nie sect, but who also values nie mingjue’s life at that point enough to take a sword to the chest for him - if you don’t take that at face value.

regarding the second part of your question about the xue yang/xue chonghai connection - cql seems to indicate that he has some awareness maybe, based on his conversation with wei wuxian in episode 37? at least, he has access to Lore involving the yin iron that others were unaware of

and had one piece in his possession apparently pre-canon.

but honestly that’s a bit of cql canon that I pretty much ignore completely and sometimes forget about, though there are certainly interesting things that can be done with it.

[petracore101]

Hello lovely friends and followers...

I’ll just out with it- I am not going to be posting RWBY content anymore. I don’t think I’ll keep watching at all, honestly. I’ll try to discuss why below, but regardless, I will still be around, just not for RWBY. And if you’re feeling rough about all this too, and want a sympathetic ear to talk through things with, please reach out. My inbox is open. <3

tldr; It feels like the heart of the show, the depth and nuance I have always loved about it, is just... gone.

It’s not a new feeling; those of you who have been following me awhile know I felt largely the same after V7. The journey was skipped to get to the destination. At the time, I had hoped it was just a product of circumstance- of taking on new writers, switching up the way they did things, and trying to juggle so many new characters... but this volume has solidified for me that it’s not a temporary shift. This is the new normal.

And that does hurt, because RWBY has been a big part of my life for... well, about 8 years now. I was drawn in the moment the red trailer dropped, and only grew more invested from there. Since the very beginning, I’ve watched the show and it’s characters grow with its creators, and been able to grow alongside them. Even when I had to take a break from the FNDM circa V5 (because the discourse around the Faunus arc got... unpleasant), I kept watching and engaging with those I could trust, because RWBY remained important to me. I’ve loved v1-6 dearly, despite their flaws, because the emotional core of the show has always shone through. And the belief in that core is what’s kept me here so long. But now the story just feels... gutted. And as much as it breaks my heart, I don’t think it can come back from that.

For two volumes now, I’ve felt as though the story has been rushing through the plot points without consideration for characters or their growth, while leaning heavily on shock value to make up for the lack of emotional depth. It’s become almost entirely a plot-centered narrative, leaving its intense character moments detached from or outright opposed to those character’s arcs. And because of this, it has relied on stunning the audience with increasingly brutal and sudden reveals, while skimming over or outright ignoring opportunities for nuance and emotional complexity. It feels desperate, using the characters’ pain for cheap emotional jabs rather than actually engaging with that pain or it’s consequences. And that results in it seeming to play the core character tropes straight rather than taking the time to subvert them in any meaningful way, because doing so would require engaging with their emotions beyond a surface level. For me, that engagement, that depth, that subversion, has always been a crucial part of the show, and the foundation of its story. It’s the hook that grabbed me in the first place, way back when I first heard Monty discussing the idea behind the new project he and his friends were undertaking. But now, all the narratives I have been invested in just ring hollow, as if they’re dolls imitating past movements, without any of the soul that first gave them meaning. The story isn’t about the journey, it’s just a collection of the major events that define it, with nothing deep connecting them. Gone too is the persistent hopepunk feel of the first 6 volumes- the quiet moments of hope and self reflection replaced instead with a breakneck sprint through an increasingly tone deaf plot. Everything that kept me engaged, kept me invested is just... not there anymore. It hasn’t been for two volumes. And this finale was the final nail in the coffin.

I do want to make it clear that I don’t say any of this to turn anyone off the show- I’m glad for those who still enjoy it, and I truly hope you continue to do so. Maybe you disagree with me completely, or perhaps this new normal is exactly what you’re looking for. I’m certainly not going to judge anyone for that. And even if it’s not what you want it to be, you may just want to keep enjoying it casually, or are simply not ready to let go of something that means so much to you. I don’t want to imply I have any kind of problem with that either. Because truly, I hope everyone still watching enjoys whatever they have in store. I just know that I... can’t.

And as much as it hurts to say goodbye, I also know that clinging to what feels like a shell of the show I’ve fell in love with 8 years ago would only ruin my enjoyment of the parts I do love. For me, RWBY ended at V6. We said goodbye to those we lost, resolved to carry on with their memory bolstering our spirits. Then, with that beautiful send off, started a new chapter... and that’s where I want to leave it.

So goodbye, RWBY.

I’ll remember you fondly.

[liquidstar]

I'd love to hear some of your recommendations! And I'm good without any content warnings, but since you're posting this for all your followers to see probably best to add them

Alright sure! I’ll be general then and since you’re just starting out this will sort of be bringing up a lot of really popular ones, the really good ones where the general consensus is “you gotta see this!”, but I’ll also try to give ones from different genres so you have a variety of things to pick from, so this isn’t really a list of personal favorites but I’ll throw in a couple of those too lol, but generally think of this as a handy beginners guide with just a little personal bias.

I wrote a lot so I'm gonna put them under the cut here.

Fullmetal Alchemist

Fullmetal Alchemist is a franchise that’s considered a must-watch, it takes place in a world where alchemy is a borderline magical power, but is considered scientific in-universe and follows scientific laws, namely the law of equivalent exchange. Something can’t be made from nothing, to gain something of equal value must be lost. The story follows the story of two brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric, who at the ages of 10 and 11 committed alchemy’s one and only unforgivable sin, human transmutation, in an attempt to bring their mother back to life. As a result, one brother lost his arm and leg and the other lost his entire body, leaving his soul bound to a suit of armor. However the brothers are resolute to regain their original bodies, and the older brother, Edward, joins the State Alchemists, a branch of the military, to try to gain access to research materials to help them achieve their goal. But was that really such a good idea?

Fullmetal Alchemist can be a bit confusing to get into due to the fact that there are two series: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (2009). The latter is a reboot with a different story that follows the original manga. They both have the same beginning, but diverge paths and tell very different stories. My recommendation for how to watch this show is: Watch 2003 first, and Brotherhood second. Everyone has a different opinion about which is better, but everyone agrees that 2003 has better backstory but a contrived ending, and Brotherhood has a rushed beginning (Because it works off the assumption that you’ve seen 2003) with a great and fulfilling ending. If you can’t do both I say just watch Brotherhood because it will leave you more satisfied and you don’t have to watch 03 to get into it.

For both series the biggest trigger warnings are: Parental death, child death, pet death, war, genocide, dismemberment, religious themes, and miscarriage. For brotherhood specifically: on-screen suicide, and for 2003 specifically: rape (not on-screen) and pregnancy from it. The 2003 series is also a lot darker than Brotherhood which has a more optimistic tone, so that’s worth noting too.

Soul Eater

A show I think is incredibly fun, and a good one for an October watch if you wanna save it. It takes place in a world where certain people have the ability to transform into weapons, and they team up with other people who become their meisters. The characters often travel around, but the main setting is Death City, a fictional city in Nevada based off of Las Vegas but with a huge Halloweentown vibe, and a school right at the top of it called the Death Weapon Meister Academy (DWMA) where a bunch of kids that turn into weapons learn how to hunt down witches and kishins (Beings that consume human souls). The school, of course, is run by the grim reaper, Lord Death himself.

Our main characters for the series are a group of 7 students. Our protagonist Maka Albarn and her weapon partner Soul “Eater” Evans, a scythe. A loud mouth assassin named Black✰Star and his weapon partner Tsubaki, who has many weapon forms. And the son of the grim reaper, Death The Kid, and his two weapon partners Liz and Patty Thompson, who are twin pistols. There are also a bunch of really lively colorful background characters and antagonists, and the cast of the show being as insane as it is really makes it, on top of the great atmosphere and of course the plot, which just builds more and more as the series progresses. Also Crona is there and we all love Crona.

Trigger warnings for this show include: Child abuse (Mental and physical), manipulation, snakes and spiders (The motifs of two major villains), some very surreal moments that can verge on unreality. Also, in the dub and most subs: misgendering of a canonically trans character. Crona is a character who is non-binary, but the dub and subs use gendered pronouns for them due to general ignorance about neutral pronouns in 2008, though this isn’t the fault of the original series and falls on the translators hands.

Also it’s important to note: that the first 3 episodes are prologues and they take themselves less seriously, there’s more fanservice in them than there is in the rest of the series (Except for Blair she stays the fanservice character :pensive:)

Zombieland Saga

Idol anime is really prevalent as a genre, the most popular being Love Live, but my personal favorite is Zombieland Saga. It’s an idol anime, but it’s also a comedy about zombie girls who become idols. It sounds ridiculous but there’s an insane amount of heart in it regardless, it wasn’t a show I expected to get emotional at but I did! It also made me laugh a lot too. The series itself can serve as a bit of a subversion on what idols are, not just because they’re literally zombies, but because of who the characters are.

Sakura Minamoto is a character who starts off as a more typical idol, a peppy pure girl, as the series continues her struggle with depression gets highlighted. Saki Nikaido serves as her initial foil, a delinquent girl with a criminal record who subvers the idea of pure perfect idols. Ai Mizuno, a former idol who has since undergone severe trauma (The way she died). Junko Konno who has ideals that seem very different on what idols “should” be due to the time period she died. Lily Hoshikawa, an explicitly transgender idol. Yugiri nolastname, a former high ranking courtesan, subvering the pure image of an idol by being a sex worker. And Tae Yamada, a completely nonverbal idol who’s still treated with the same amount of importance as the rest of the team. The premise here really is just that these girls don’t fit the incredibly rigid mold of what idols should be and yet they still all deserve love and they gain a fanbase by being their earnest selves.

Trigger warnings for this series aren’t incredibly severe but since they’re zombies there’s still talks about death and they way they died (Including motorcycle/car accidents, plane crashes, getting struck by lightning, and a heart attack), there’s also comedic dismemberment, as in their arms just sort of pop on and off and stuff like that. The most notable thing is the deadnaming of Lily, the trans idol, by her father, but it doesn’t appear to be malicious in any way.

Note: this series is in the middle of it’s second season right now, if you want to wait until it’s over it should be 12 episodes long and just aired it’s 3rd, so about 9 more weeks.

Death Note

This is also absolutely another series that gets recommended to people right off the bat, and for good reason, this show is an intricate game of chess between a serial killer and a detective trying to catch him, and it’s incredibly easy to get super invested in the suspense of what happens next. The story begins when a shinigami, a god of death, drops his “Death Note” into the human world out of pure boredom. A Death Note is simply a notebook where if you write someone's name in it… They die! And who better to pick up such a powerful object than Light Yagami, a prodigy praised for his genius and academy accomplishments as well as his charm and popularity, and with a very strong but juvenile black-and-white sense of justice, likely due to being raised by a cop.

So naturally Light begins his power trip as soon as he finds the notebook, he intends to “fix” the world by cleansing it of all the bad people, but truly he intends to become the world’s new god. Or the “God of the new world” as he puts it. But there’s one thing standing in his way, a detective resolute on catching him with the codename L. The series entire crux is a game of cat and mouse between these two, as they try to outsmart each other and the murders continue, Light loses more and more of his humanity, L becomes more resolute on catching him. There are more twists and turns than a cheetah race, and it’s honestly pretty addictive to see what happens next.

Trigger warnings here obviously include a lot of death and murder, including suicide, but in some cases it’s a forced suicide at Light’s hands. Also abuse, as Light loses his humanity he isn’t above manipulating and discarding people who love him. And one instance of near-rape on screen fairly early on, but the purpitrator dies before it happens and the victim escapes.

K-On!

Slice-of-life is an incredibly popular genre, and K-On! is the quintessential example of it. It’s a series that not everyone will like, because not a lot truly happens, and it can be overly saccharine or “moe” for a lot of people, and that’s fine. But I personally think that despite not a lot happening, the story has genuine substance, more than you may gather at first glance. It’s true that not much in the way of big plot really happens, it’s mostly life events, that’s why it's a slice-of-life. But it’s not about nothing. The real theme of the show is the fleeting nature of youth. It’s about how important the friendships you form at that time are, how they’ll stick with you for a lifetime, and how everything comes to an end. It’s sweetness even becomes a little bittersweet because you knew their after school tea time would end come graduation, and as they realize this it breaks their hearts a little, but they continue on, because they’re still After School Tea Time!

The series itself is simply about 5 girls in a band, Yui Hirasawa on lead guitar, Mio Akiyama on the bass, Ritsu Tainaka on the Drums, Tsumugi Kotobuki on the Keyboard, and Azusa Nakano on Rhythm Guitar (Who shows up later). They’re in a club at school called the light music club where they waste a lot of their time just drinking tea and eating cake, but they’re having fun and that’s what counts! The series has a lot of really great direction and expressive animation despite the fact that a lot of it is just sitting around and talking, it’s incredibly visually interesting so you don’t get bored.

I honestly don’t think there are any big trigger warnings I can give for this series, maybe that Sawa-chan can be a little too forceful when she wants to dress up the girls in cute outfits sometimes but it’s usually not presented as too creepy especially after season 1 where they tone it down due to straying from the manga.

Mob Psycho 100

This series is an absolute love letter to the art of animation as a whole, the artstyle itself may not seem like much to look at but the animation is some of the most expressive, fluid, creative, and vibrant out there right now, it’s the type of series that you can tell was made with a real passion for its medium and it’s story. It’s protagonist is Shigeo Kageyama, nicknamed “Mob”, a term that literally means “Background character”. Mob is a middle school kid and an incredibly powerful psychic, like, insanely overpowered, but he’s currently working part time for a shady conman, Reigen Arataka. Though it may seem as if Reigen is just using Mob for his powers, their bond is actually a very sweet one and you can tell they care for each other, it’s a very important one at the heart of the series.

The core themes of the series itself are what really make it shine, it’s message is stated as clearly as possible in the opening songs, “your life is your own” and “if everyone is not special, maybe you can be what you want to be”. Put simply, you’re the protagonist of your own life, but the other important message of the series is that all the supposed background characters are just as important. The friends you make, the connections you have with other people and the way they impact you, they’re what make you strong. No one is born special, everyone is just a normal person, and everyone deserves kindness. It’s a series that I recommend incredibly strongly for just how powerfully it portrays this message.

Trigger warnings for this series include kidnapping, possession, a scene with a “man in a dress” joke, and a racist design for a background character. Also (spoilers) a scene where it seems like a child was murdered and a scene where it seems like Mob’s entire family was murdered.

Kaguya-Sama: Love Is War!

Hey, speaking of amazing animation, Kaguya-Sama is a romantic comedy series centered around the premise of two incredibly arrogant people falling in love. Kaguya Shinomiya and Miyuki Shirogane are the vice president and president of the student council at the prestigious Shuchi'in Academy, they eventually develop feelings for each other but they’re both simultaneously too proud and too insecure to admit it, so the real crux of the series is the 3D chess they play with each other to try and get the other to confess first. Along with the scatterbrained secretary, Chika Fujiawara, the treasurer in desperate need of Prozac Yu Ishigami, the cast is incredibly fun and they all fit into the comedy great. Every single little game of “do you like me?” that they play is written like the most intense thing in the world, the insane animation absolutely adds to it, making it seem almost like a psychological thriller, the comedy comes from the absurdity of just how much they hyperbolize it.

It’s not pure comedy though, due to a lot of the series being set up around mindgames, the characters are actually fairly psychologically complex with a lot of genuine development stemming from their childhood to explain why they are the way they are. The series may be about mindgames, but the actual narrative frames them as a juvenile way to go about relationships, a way to try to protect yourself from getting hurt because you’re afraid to trust. The entire core theme is that communication in relationships of any kind is the most important thing and you cant replace it with clever little tricks, so the main pair only ever make actual progress when they’re actually upfront with each other. Even if it’s scary to be that vulnerable with someone, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past like they have, the relationships you build off of mutual trust and openness will be worth the risk, and they can help heal you. And one of the things I love about the series is that this doesn’t just apply to the main pair, but it places equal emphasis on the importance of friendship. All the characters' relationships with each other are unique and interesting and they all develop the same way, with trust and openness, and they become better because of each other.

Despite being generally a comedy, a lot of the characters deal with some really heavy things too so trigger warning for: child abuse (not on-screen), child abandonment (again not on screen), anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal ideation- initionally played off as a joke but it becomes very obvious the character in question is legitimately suicidal and in the manga he nearly attempts it but is stopped, this plotpoint will most likely be in the anime at some point as it’s also not complete.

Your Lie In April

Alright I gave you a funny show now I’m going to make you cry. In fact it’s hard for me to type this synopsis because I’m an absolute crybaby and thinking about this show gets me, but I think it’s absolutely worth checking out because it’s a very beautiful sadness. Your Lie In April is a series that follows the stress and trauma young musical prodigies face in their lives, as well as the people around them, and it’s a series about the beauty of music and art, and just how much it affects people. The music in the show is absolutely gorgeous, the way that they convey emotion through it is so beautiful and intricate that it just sticks with you. You feel the music, and you understand.

I’m actually going to give the trigger warnings right now instead of at the end because in order to explain the plot I’ll have to talk about them so tw for: Child abuse (phsyical and mental, on-screen), terminal illness, death, in depth depictions of PTSD, vomiting, panic attacks, the works.

The series follows Kousei Arima, a formal piano prodigy who hasn’t performed since the death of his mother two years ago. Kousei's mother was terminally ill, but she was also incredibly abusive. Kousei has incredibly complex feelings about his mother because of this. The trauma she instilled in him is severe, but because he was a child, he still is a child, and he loved his mom a lot, as any child would, and he didn’t want her to die and he blames himself for not being good enough. He wanted to make her happy, and the only way he knew how to do that was to play the piano. So he played and played and practiced until he was perfect, they called him the human metronome. But he would still get severely punished for being anything less than perfect. He had lost all the passion he once had, and after his mother died it was the final nail in the coffin, his trauma manifests now in a way that makes him unable to play. But all that changes one day in April when he meets a violinist named Kaori Miyazono, a girl full of life and passion for music, she’s someone who according to Kousei “Exists in springtime.” and she’s going to help him play again and refined that love for music whether he wants to or not! Teen drama happens of course, but there are much bigger roadblocks ahead.

Assassination Classroom

This series is thankfully generally more lighthearted… Most of the time at least. The premise is pretty simple, but incredibly ridiculous. An incredibly powerful octopus-like creature is the teacher of a classroom of middle school students tasked with the assignment of assassinating him in order to save the world. The series starts off very slice-of-life as it focuses on introducing the very large cast of characters inside of Class E, also known as the “end class”, but it quickly gains traction and gets a lot more intense as time goes on.

The octopus creature in question, Korosensei, is actually a very kind and genuinely good teacher to all his students. The real crux of the series is that it’s sort of a critique on the educational system, the students in the end class are there because they’ve been ostracized from the rest of the campus, far away in the mountains, to be made examples of. Why? Because they’re students that are considered worthless, instead of getting help they’re only pushed back further down in the system and left to struggle within it fruitlessly. They’re given up on, despite being children with so much potential, because they don’t fit a very rigid mold. That’s what Korosensei wants to help them with, and they’re able to grow as people together. As the series progresses you feel such a great sense of unity for the class, they’re like a family, they stick together and it’s very heartwarming. And watching them work as a team of assassins is so fun!

However the series can get heavy at times too, it doesn’t stray from heavier subject matter at all and i found myself incredibly shocked by it a few times, so trigger warning for: Child abuse (on-screen and off), both at the hands of a parent and a teacher and in one case a parent who is also the principal, misgendering of a character, sometimes as a “joke” but other times played dead serious at the hands of his mother, child death- specifically suicide, a successful one as well as 3 assassination attempts that doubled as suicide attempts by the main 3 characters (weird parallel they all got there huh)

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Honestly this is a series that is good to go in blind for if you need to tws, it’s a deconstruction of the magical girl genre, but if you don’t want to know more than that you can stop reading here. If you want to know more, it’s a series that starts off very light-hearted and in tune with typical magical girl conventions at first, however by episode 3 it’s made painfully clear that these girls are being led to sign up into something they shouldn’t. It’s heavy, though not incredibly so, but it’s also a lot to explain in a summary. Madoka magica is… It’s Faust with magical girls.

I’ll explain as much as I can without giving too much away. The story begins when Madoka Kaname and her friend Sayaka Miki encounter a creature who calls itself Kyubey, who says it can grant a wish of theirs and in exchange they have to become magical girls and fight witches. Both the girls are hesitant, but Sayaka wants to wish for her childhood friend’s injuries to be cured so he can play violin again, while Madoka is content as she is and can’t think of a wish. Luckily they have a mentor, a magical girl named Mami Tomoe who helps introduce them to everything. However something is stopping Madoka from becoming a magical girl, a mysterious new student who is also one herself, Homura Akemi, is resolute on keeping Madoka from becoming a magical girl by all means possible, for reasons Madoka doesn’t understand. Things get even more complicated when a rival magical girl shows up, Kyoko Sakura, who becomes Sayaka’s new rival. As things get more heated between those two they discover a terrible secret about the nature of magical girls, and what they truly signed up for.

Spoilers ahead but trigger warning for: Child death, parental death (backstory only), decapitation (off-screen), needles, incredibly surreal imagery inside the witch’s labyrinths that may feel unreal, mind control, suicide, depression and despair expressed by young characters. Also don't bother with Magia Record

The Disastrous Life Of Saiki K.

Alright something lighthearted now, there are a lot of comedy anime I enjoy, a lot of series that have made me laugh, but none has made me bust a gut like this series has, it’s absolutely hilarious. It follows the life of a boy named Saiki Kusuo who has psychic powers. His powers are incredibly overpowered, and he absolutely hates them, in his eyes they cause him nothing but trouble. There’s not much in the way of a plot to describe, because there isn’t any, the series is comprised of 5 minute segments surrounding Saiki and an incredibly vast and colorful cast of characters that are just all completely insane, many serve as parodies as types of anime tropes because the series as a whole is very self aware and doesn’t shy from breaking the fourth wall a lot, but the characters surrounding Saiki are what make his life… Disastrous.

Like I said there’s not really a plot to describe but like FMA people may get confused with this one, there are 3 seasons but one of them is titled “The Disastrous Life Of Saiki K: Reawakened” as is a continuation of the first two with just 6 episodes in it. Also for some reason only the second season isn’t dubbed so if you’re planning on watching it that way you’d have to either stop or switch to subs for season 2

The only major tw I can give here is an ongoing joke about a character being into his sister, he’s treated as disgusting for it of course because he’s a parody of that trope but that doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable, luckily he doesn’t show up much.

Little Witch Academia

Little Witch Academia is a series I personally just adore, it takes place in a world where witches are common and well-known among the people, but the era of witches is over and magic is dying out. However that doesn’t mean passion of magic doesn’t exist, the protagonist is a young girl named Atsuko Kagari, or Akko for short. She’s resolute on being just like her icon, a witch known as Shiny Chariot, as she attends the same magic school: Luna Nova! Unfortunately Akko isn’t exactly a magical prodigy, in fact she can’t even fly a broom, but that’s not gonna stop her, nothing will. Just like Chariot said, believing in yourself is your magic.

Once at school Akko gets into all types of crazy shenanigans with her with her two roommates, Lotte Yanson and Sucy Manbavaran, and occasionally her rival, Diana Cavendish. Akko still struggles a lot in school, in fact her inability with magic is pretty explicitly handled as a metaphor for a learning disability, and though this makes it harder for her she’s still resolute. Though the series is generally episodic, a concrete plot starts to form by the second core. Along with the help of her guidance counselor, Professor Ursula, Akko learns that she needs to unlock 7 “words” to bring magic back to the world, each time she learns a new one it comes with an important lesson to her and ultimately relates back to each of the core themes of the series

The series is pretty lighthearted so the biggest trigger warning I can give is one for bullying, two characters in particular tend to target Akko for not being a good witch and it can really sting to watch. Other than that none come to mind

[a-student-out-of-time]

((Mod, I'm not going to lie, the way you're handling Mikan's past in this blog really makes anon massively uncomfortable. You just had Kokoro indirectly imply that being bullied and suffering doesn't make you worthy of sympathy or compassion. I know you're trying to meet Hiyoko fans halfway and everything, but it feels like you're pandering to them so hard you've actually started to hate bullying victims, like Hiyoko fans do. You're "considering other views" SO much you've become an apologist.))

//I am genuinely confused by what you’re saying here, because none of that is what’s going on.

1. Hiyoko has nothing to do with any of this. At all. She wasn’t mentioned at any point, so I have no idea where you would get this impression that this was meant as pandering or that I’ve become an apologist. That has nothing to do with this conversation at all.

2. None of what you mentioned is what was said. Kokoro was not saying that being the victim of bullying or suffering “doesn't make you worthy of sympathy or compassion.” What she was trying to say was putting your own suffering at the center of the universe and all your experiences is the problem. Of course people who’ve suffered and been through horrible shit that they don’t deserve are worthy of love and compassion, but in the worse cases, they can also develop victim complexes where they feel that, because their lives have been horrible, they feel like they deserve compensation from the universe. Which is often a result of them not getting that love and compassion early on.

The classic example is the villain who does horrible shit because they had a bad childhood or they lost someone they love, and they feel they deserve something in return, like the universe owes them, to the point that other people have to suffer for it. But it’s okay, because the villain’s suffering is justified but everyone else is complaining too much.

3. Morality is not black and white. Like it or not, it’s entirely possible to be the victim of unfortunate circumstances and still be an asshole. Victim complexes, self-pity and the desire for some kind of compensation are the cause of a lot of suffering themselves, where people put their own pain and their own misery at the center of the universe. Often because doing makes them feel important or they torture themselves with it because they don’t feel they’ll ever be important.

What Kokoro was saying was that how you respond to the pain and suffering your life is what really matters. Not by fixating on how mean bullies were to you, not playing misery poker and decided your suffering on how your misery isn’t important or is worthy of blotting out the sun, but thinking about how you can fix it and live a better life.

The sad truth is that wallowing in self-pity is a fundamentally selfish act, and no matter how personal you try and make it, it hurts other people just as much as it hurts you. And it can lead to people pushing away and even hurting those who are only trying to help. You devalue those around you because, no matter how much they care about you, you ultimately give them the impression that they’re wasting your time on you. And that hurts.

4. I absolutely love Mikan as a character, not because she’s cute or “uwu she did nothing wrong.” No, she did a lot of things wrong. A lot of her decisions were, if you look through the story and her free time events, fundamentally selfish: she admits that she only really healed herself for her own sake, she went into medicine partly because she liked having people depend on her, and, when her despair self came out, she 

While I have my own issues with Chapter 3, Mikan is my favorite DR character because of how complex she is. She is kind and she is loving, but she wrestles with feelings of worthlessness which often manifest in self-destructive and outwardly-destructive ways. What she needs is compassion and understanding, and love from someone who isn’t called the Ultimate Despair. That’s really what despair is: deciding that your life doesn’t matter, nothing matters, only misery matters. It hurts you and it hurts other people.

4. I don’t say all this as judgement from an outsider. This is quite frankly the most important life lesson I’ve ever had to learn. I’ve been through all of this myself. I’ve hurt people and ruined good relationships I’ve had because I ended up using a lot of them as emotional crutches to hold myself up, rather than valuing them as I should’ve.

Depression, anxiety and low self-worth are the most painful and awful things to deal with, and I still struggle with them. It clouds your mind and makes pain and misery and sadness seem like the most important things in the world, and of course people are gonna feel like shit when that happens

We have a bit of a problem with selfish desires, where a lot of the time, we assume that being selfish is a fundamentally bad thing and doing so makes you a bad person. Really, doing good things for yourself- when you assign value to yourself as a person in spite of your circumstances, when you can look at your mistakes and say “Alright, I’ll try and learn from this,” and when you stop fixating on all your pain and suffering and mistakes- is the most important thing in the world.

And yes, a big part of that is being compassionate and understanding toward those who’ve suffered. But they also need to be willing to accept the negative thoughts and actions that might’ve emerged from that maelstrom of misery, because ignoring it only leads to it festering and welling up inside you. Ignoring a problem and telling people they’ve done nothing wrong can and does lead to those problems manifesting in new ways.

Ultimately, at the core of all of this is the need for open, honest and compassionate communication, to be able to say that, in spite of all of this, you are still worthy of love and acceptance. You have people who want you to get better, but you also need to be better to yourself. Not focusing on your pain, you problems, or how  unhappy you are with life, but asking what you can do to fix it all and how you can get better. And also understanding that growth takes time and, while you might stumble and make mistakes, it’s important to keep moving forward regardless. Be good to others and to yourselves- that’s my advice for living your best life.

If none of this has been clear in the story so far or if I’ve given the impression of something else, then I apologize and will try and make that more clear in the future. I understand that not everyone has had my experiences or been where I or these characters have been, and I hope this has made my position more transparent to you.

Also, apologies for talking about this for so long, but this kind of story is important to me personally and I’d like to reach out to others so they can understand that.

[tog-resources-archive]

Hello fellow fan who has been here since the beginning! I come from the “other side” I suppose, in that I do think the top/bottom discourse is worth talking about. It has to do with the elephant in the room which I haven’t seen anyone touch on – self-identified top!joe fans (in contrast to simply fans who enjoy or prefer content where joe tops). I remember the original top/bottom discourse coming out of a more general conversation about trends in fic (1)

Thank you fan!anon for sending me such a long, detailed message! Never apologize for writing me an essay since I always seem to be writing essays for other people in return lol. Also sorry it took a while to get to! This required a bit of preparation. You’ve given me a lot to respond to. I’m going to be putting the entirety of the ask under the cut and the tl;dr because this one is very, verrrryyyy long. 

Tl;dr- fan!anon talks about the history of top/bottom discourse in TOG and the issues of racism in our fandom. My response: my own feelings on the history of the top/bottom discourse in TOG and the current state of it. General issues I’ve observed in this fandom and the current discourse. Also, we shouldn’t ignore fandom racism, but I don’t think we should be looking at it through the lens of top/bottom, AND I think we should be focusing on misogyny, homophobia, etc. in addition to racism. Not ignore one for the other. 

Bottom line though, don’t harrass people, block people if you need to, focus on what you love, support fan creation and let’s try to be a better fandom. 

Okay, time to dig in!

Hello fellow fan who has been here since the beginning! I come from the “other side” I suppose, in that I do think the top/bottom discourse is worth talking about. It has to do with the elephant in the room which I haven’t seen anyone touch on – self-identified top!joe fans (in contrast to simply fans who enjoy or prefer content where joe tops). I remember the original top/bottom discourse coming out of a more general conversation about trends in fic (1) wherein Joe was more violent, less empathetic, often not religious, more aggressive in sexual scenarios, and also most often topping. People asked the fandom in general to simply consider, if that is how they perceive Joe, to reflect for themselves about implicit biases that could be colouring that interpretation. The self-identified top!joes used that conversation as a starting point to argue that the above interpretation of Joe, (2) and writing/drawing Nicky as smaller, almost twink-like, demure, more feminine (or writing fic where he was de-aged) was justified by canon (if you recall the multi-day argument about the approximately 1 inch height difference between Marwan and Luca) and connecting those ideas to top!joe just “making more sense” to them. In the hands of a good writer (of which we are blessed to have many in this fandom!), which character tops in an explicit fic is of no consequence to me. (3) But the concept of top!joe has, in my mind, become so closely tied with those fans who, a) interpret these characters and actions in a way that seems influenced by racial stereotypes and tropes and b) use that characterization as “justification” for top!joe. All this when I thought we all agreed that position preference has nothing to do with personality? (4) If someone sees Joe as a very masculine, aggressive, dom-type character (which is a bit of a one-note characterization to start, but I digress), that shouldn’t be related to him being a “top”, correct? Yet that is the interpretation and connection that the top!joes themselves make. So that’s why to me, the top/bottom framework continues to have some value, eve though in an ideal world it wouldn’t: (5) because some fans connect what should be a neutral sexual position preference to an interpretation of Joe’s character, an interpretation which I think doesn’t do him justice. I understand if you don’t want to publish this but I’m hesitant to talk off anon due to how heated this whole conversation is. I also don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad about how they are participating in the fandom, but I do think self-reflection in terms of how we engage is valuable. (6) And just to fully reiterate in case it wasn’t clear, my above points are specifically referring to who I think of as “top!joe only” fans as opposed to fans who enjoy or prefer content in which joe tops – only the former of which I am wary of. Anyways, sorry for this long message, and I hope I've been able to explain my reasoning. If we continue to disagree, thanks for reading this anyways and continuing the dialogue. Thank you also for promoting femslash events and content! (7)

So....I did say in a previous post that I’m not a big fan of hearsay, and I’m sorry but… that’s kind of what you’ve given me. A lot of “this is what Top!Joe Only people have said” and “this is what the rest of the fandom has said back.” I have to ask, who are these “Top!Joe Only” people that are on the other side of this fandom war? Who are the people representing the “rest of the fandom”?  The only names I could really come up with myself are the Top!Joe Server mods as top!Joe only fans, and they haven’t exactly been active recently. Not to mention the Top!Joe server mod @karanoidandroid was the focus of the Art Theft and Bullying debacle a while back (here) which even if you disagree with her… that’s not the way you treat people. Full stop. 

But anyway, to break this down, you’ve said that top!joe only fans wanted to interpret Joe in a way that was “more violent, less empathetic, less religious, more sexually aggressive, and topping (most of the time)” and that Nicky is “smaller, more twink-like, more demure and feminine” and that the hardcore top!joe stans are using this interpretation as a reasoning for liking top!joe explicit fics (and for underage fic?)

Er, honestly, I’ll have to disregard the “less religious” comment in this one. Lucyclairedelune has talked about it very eloquently here. As for the rest, let’s say these opinions were expressed on tumblr in July, just when the fandom was getting started. However, after personally going through all the Explicit July fics, I gotta say, the overwhelming majority of writers are focused on romantic Malta sex vacations lol. 

From my personal observations (I started reading fic on ao3 in August), I’ve seen some stories that cater to very… specific tastes (mostly kinkmeme fics so I’m not going to touch that) and some that have…. been written in poor taste perhaps. But, honestly, the majority of fics (aka G, T, M rated) that I’ve seen? I would say that they were written with care and concern for the character’s portrayal. 

Now, some fans (usually older fans) are very focused on “your kink is not my kink” and other fans feel this is an inappropriate way to view “racist, homophobic, islamophobic, etc” fics. And I agree with that. If people are using kink to excuse racism, homophobia, islamophobia, transphobia, antisemitism, misogyny, etc, in fics: Fuck that. But I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding flying around when people react to ‘ykinmk”. This fandom likes to assume the worst of their fellow fans imo, and I honestly don’t think that when a person defends kink that they’re trying to defend racism. They’re trying to defend their kink community which, historically, has been attacked and misunderstood by the purity police. Look into the Livejournal, ffnet, and even the Tumblr purges if you don’t believe me. 

For the record, I don’t know anyone on tumblr personally. We’re all effectively strangers talking to each other on the internet, so I’m not going to make assumptions about people from stories they’ve posted on AO3 or the kinkmeme. If you want to talk about the issues those fics represent, that’s cool, but don’t harass people whose life stories you don’t know (and don’t vagueblog about them). (This is just a general statement, not saying this about you anon! I feel really strongly about this.)

Now you say, “some fans connect what should be a neutral sexual position preference to an interpretation of Joe’s character” and I hate to say it, but there are ALWAYS going to be some people who have awful opinions. Ones that are either truly terrible, or kind of in poor taste, or maybe you just don’t vibe with them. Personally, I don’t have enough time in the day to address every weird thing that a person spews on the internet. I won’t judge if you want to take them on, but, personally, I haven’t seen any recent militant top!joe only posts that are calling for racist portrayals. I see people referring to past conversations, for sure, but again, I can’t do anything with hearsay. 

And honestly, we keep bringing up the top/bottom discourse of early TOG fandom, and we’re just not the same fandom we were then. SO MANY people have left the fandom in that time-- a lot of big name (or simply well known) fans and a lot of MENA fans. Regardless of what “side” you’re on in this, we all lose by focusing on the positions, by dividing everyone by “top” or “bottom” or “switch” fans, and by bringing up what people said in July, or August, or September.  It’s exhausting, especially because I think a lot of people have done exactly what you said. Many authors HAVE self-reflected, they’ve thought about trends, the implications, and are contributing/interacting with the fandom as best as they can. Do I think we should stop focusing on self-reflection? That we should stop being careful about writing potentially damaging portrayals of our favorite characters? NO. Let’s keep at it! Let’s encourage others to do the same… but not with top/bottom discourse.

Let it be known that I don’t think racism is a topic we should disregard to focus on other things. Honestly, I would be happy if people gave some of the energy they have for “top/bottom” discourse to talk about the portrayal of Nile Freeman or Lykon or Copley or Quynh… the other POC representation in TOG that usually gets ignored. You may interpret this as me going “but what about??” and that’s fair. I just think that we talk about Joe ALL THE TIME in this fandom. There is an avalanche of conversation and content for this man (who I love, don’t get me wrong) and it just feels really disingenuous (to me) to talk ad nauseum about racist portrayals of Joe, but then to ignore Nile Freeman and wlw fics when Nile is the rare Black Female Action Protagonist and Andy/Quynh is an extremely rare interracial canon lesbian couple. And I’ve been trying to use my blog here to bring attention to this, think of me what you will because of that. (Again just a general statement anon! Not directed to you XD)

And from what I’ve seen in this fandom (and many others to be fair) is that we care about racism SO MUCH…but only when talking about how a man has sex.  It speaks of a lack of intersectional understanding of these topics, disregarding the misogyny that IS ALSO inherent in fandom, and disregarding the homophobia of overfocusing on the top/bottom dynamics. BUT I’m not asking you to ignore racism; all I’m asking is for you to focus on the other issues too. 

Bottom line though… the discourse is not what it once was.  A lot of people, on whatever side, have left the fandom, or have taken a break, or are vocally tired of “top/bottom” discourse. Personally, I think we should talk about racism… but not through the lens of explicit mlm fic sex positions. Let’s talk more about race, gender, sex and sexual orientation, but not in a way that divides the fandom, in a way that makes people sick of being here, in a way that kills our content creator’s passion. Honestly, I think it can be done! But only if we work toward that goal together. 

I would like to focus on encouraging events in our community, such as the ongoing Old Guard Big Bang 2021 event and the upcoming Femslash Fortnight Spring Solstice Edition event. If anyone is organizing other events, let me know and I’ll hype you up! But as for the rest, I’m tired, you’re tired, we’re all tired. Let’s try and work harder to be a kinder, more inclusive fandom in the future, for everyone’s sake. 

[artificialqueens]

Galactica, Chapter 37 (Group Fic) - TheDane/Veronica

A/N: Click here if you’re looking for previous chapters (or here if you’d rather read on AO3). 💫

Last Chapter: Things looked up for Violet as she finally settled into the new normal of working in design.

This Chapter: One of New York’s most illustrious editors-in-chief turns 40--in style.

***

Shit.

It had been an absolute hell week, Courtney being run ragged all day, everyday. She’d missed more meals than not, barely slept, had gotten used to only using the bathroom when Fame was occupied.

It was really the first time that she and Miss Fame had to interact directly for more than a few words, and if Courtney thought she was high-maintenance before, she had no idea how weird it would get.

On Tuesday, Courtney had been torn a new one for ringing the doorbell when she had dropped off a package at Fame’s house, Fame looking at her like she was absolute vermin.

How was Courtney supposed to have known that it was a deathsin not to just let herself into her boss’ house, Fame explaining to her like she was a retarded toddler that she valued her family life and private time too much to be interrupted, not at all catching the irony of the fact that she was imposing on Courtney’s private time by forcing her to come to her house at 10 pm.

And now, a casual text from Adore that she’d be there around 7:30 reminded her about Bianca’s party and she was absolutely panicking. She had less than an hour to make herself presentable with literally nothing to wear.

She’d meant to ask Ivy about a dress, days ago, and then again yesterday when she was arranging the delivery of Miss Fame’s present to the Marie Claire offices, but it had slipped her mind amongst all the other things she had to remember.  

She jumped up and raced into Raja’s suite, a cramp in her side, relieved to find the redhead still at her desk.

“Courtney? Are you okay?” Ivy rose from her seat, a concerned look on her face, ever the empath.

“I just...I forgot…” Courtney tried to catch her breath.

“Okay, take a breath. Whatever it is, it’s fixable. I promise.”

Courtney gulped. “I forgot that I’m supposed to go to this party tonight at the Guggenheim and it’s super fancy and my ride will be here in 40 minutes and I don’t have anything to wear and I don’t even know what the dress code means and I was just wondering if I could borrow something and I promise I’ll have it cleaned and returned by Monday but-”

“Courtney, breathe. Okay?” Ivy took her hand, inhaling deeply and then blowing out dramatically.

Had this job really killed so many of her brain cells that she needed assistance breathing now? Regardless, Courtney followed Ivy’s lead, taking a few deep breaths to slow her racing heart.

“Now,” Ivy began. “What does the dress code say?”

“Creative black tie?”

“Ah. Okay. Follow me.”

Courtney nearly cried with gratitude as Ivy led her into the wardrobe closet.

“Luckily, you’re a sample size, so this shouldn’t be too much of a challenge,” Ivy said. “It’s Bianca Del Rio’s party, right?”

“Yeah,” Courtney said, watching her paw expertly through the racks.

“Are you going for anything in particular?”

“I guess I wanna look…” Courtney racked her brain, unsure of what to say, when the word, “older” slipped from her lips.

Ivy paused, clearly not expecting that answer, and gave Courtney a curious look before nodding.

“I can work with that. Now, Bianca likes bold colors and dramatic silhouettes with clean lines, so I think something like this…” Ivy pulled a stunning, beaded blue cocktail dress out off the rack. “This will look good on you.”

Ivy was truly a gift from god. Not only did they find a dress that fit perfectly (they settled on a short, fire-engine red silk number with a plunging neckline), along with shoes, accessories, and a glamorous faux-fur wrap, but she even stayed to help Courtney with her hair and makeup, giving her a chic updo and dramatic winged liner.

“Ivy, honestly, if you ever need anything. Someone to cover your desk...a kidney...whatever...you know who to ask.”

“Good to know.” Ivy laughed, checking her makeup one more time, adding a little more glimmering highlighter to her cheekbones, and then proclaiming, “Alright, I think you’re done.”

“Thank you so much,” Courtney said again, pulling out her phone. She hadn’t heard from Adore in awhile, and wondered if she was stuck in traffic or something. She seriously hoped that she hadn’t rushed like crazy, inconveniencing Ivy and nearly giving herself an ulcer worrying, just to sit around waiting for an hour.

COURTNEY: ETA?

ADORE: Soon, I think. I’m on my way to Pearl’s, then we’ll pick you up. Do you want a gyro?

COURTNEY: I’M A VEGAN

ADORE: Oh yeah. Gross. I’ll text you when we’re close.

***

“Bianca! Darling!” Fame reached out her arms to pull Bianca in for a tight embrace.  “Happy Birthday!”

She and Patrick had just arrived at the stunning event space a few minutes earlier, and were immediately whisked off to a VIP area with a private bar, where Raja and Raven were already relaxing on sofas, Sutan and Violet standing at the bar chatting with Detox and Jujubee.

It was perfect, removed enough from the chaos of the dance floor, but with a perfect view over the railing. And the speed with which Bianca had arrived to greet her told her that she’s given special instructions for the staff to alert her to Fame’s presence--exactly the kind of preferential treatment that Fame expected.

“Thanks, blondie,” Bianca grinned, “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Fame smiled widely, fluttering her lashes. “So do you. I love this dress!”

“Yeah, your tits look great!” Raja chimed in.

Bianca was wearing a sinfully tight black bandage dress, the neckline showing off her breasts and glowing skin, the hem just above her knees, her legs one of Bianca’s best assets.

“You can barely see that you’re turning 40.” Fame grinned, which earned her a pinch from Bianca, the other still keeping her in her arms.

“Shush.”

“Please,” Fame squeezed Bianca’s forearm, “So, tell me the truth, do you like the ring?”

Bianca held up her hand, where it glittered on her index finger.

Yesterday, Fame had had Bianca’s birthday present delivered to her office at the exact time of her birth, 3:57 pm. Fame knew Bianca liked her statement pieces, so she had custom ordered a cocktail ring, but not just any cocktail ring. Instead of the usual single band, a stone in the middle, Fame had gone for a three part twist in gold, sparkling garnets adorning it.

“It’s perfect, I love it,” Bianca said.

“Wonderful!” Fame clasped her hands together. “You’re impossible to shop for.”

“No I’m not! I love stuff,” Bianca countered. “Plus, you know...I’ll never say no to a present that’s unavailable in stores…”

She grinned wickedly, dimples deep, hand drifting down to Fame’s ass. Fame swatted it away with a scolding look.

“Really, Bianca.”

“What, it’s my birthday!” Bianca said. “You gotta give me something.”

“Fine, a tiny something,” Fame laughed, leaning in and giving her a sweet kiss on the lips, then following up with a light smack to her cheek.

“That’s not where I like being spanked,” Bianca said.

“Oh my god, you’re impossible!” Fame exclaimed, breaking away and stepping over to the bar while Bianca laughed gleefully behind her. “Now come on, tell me about your presents.”

***

“And a drink for the lady.” Sutan smiled as he handed Violet a glass, his date taking it with a sweet smile and a thank you, Sutan putting his arm back around her waist as they walked around.

He had picked Violet up at her apartment, his heart almost skipping a beat as she had pushed the double doors open and walked down the steps, her dress of the night absolutely stunning, the back open and taunting with it’s promise of bare impossibly soft skin.

“So,” Sutan rubbed his thumb up and down, gently caressing Violet’s back, “are you having fun?”

Sutan was happy that she was there, enjoyed spending time with her, but as he got to know her more and more, he slowly realized how little she actually enjoyed big crowds.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Sutan bit his lip, hiding a smile at Violet’s quick but short reply.

***

Alaska giggled delightedly, letting Jinkx twirl her on the dance floor. If you’d told Alaska a few years ago that she’d have a friend who she could have this much fun with sober, she’d have laughed in your face. But, even though Jinkx didn’t mind it, Alaska really didn’t enjoy drinking around her. So when they were together, Alaska felt like it was the least she could do to hold off on the booze. What she did enjoy was being with her, sober or not, looking into her sparkling brown eyes as they tripped all over their feet.

“For a Broadway star, you’re really uncoordinated,” Alaska laughed, and Jinkx pretended to be offended, then giggled.

“It’s hard to be mad when you call me a Broadway star.”

“Well, you are!” Alaska said, wrapping her arms around Jinkx’s neck and gazing at her happily. She loved these moments, just the two of them having the time of their lives, dancing and laughing and ignoring every other person in the room. They always had fun, but tonight, Jinkx seemed to have an extra bounce in her step, radiating a kind of joy, and it made Alaska feel so grateful to be around her.

“Thanks Lasky...you’re the best.”

They whirled and stumbled around the dance floor some more, until they were both breathless and needed a break.

“What are we feeling like tonight? Ginger ale? Cranberry and soda?” Alaska asked.

“You choose,” Jinkx said, clinging to her arm.

Alaska ordered a couple of drinks for them and then turned back to Jinkx, who was looking at her with the cutest little dreamy half-smile. She couldn’t help the tingling rush that went down her spine as she lowered her eyes and asked, “So...what’s going on with you tonight?”

“What do you mean?” Jinkx asked, eyes widening innocently.

“I mean...you’re just very...I don’t know...” A smile tugged at Alaska’s lips. “...twinkly tonight.”

“Well...I wasn’t gonna say anything because...it’s kind of silly, but,” she lowered her voice, eyes shining. “I ran into her again. Ivy.”

Alaska felt her whole chest deflate, forcing a smile as Jinkx continued.

“At Zabar’s! It’s like the universe is just conspiring to help us get together, you know?” Jinkx giggled happily.

A lump rose in Alaska’s throat and she nodded, using all her willpower to keep the smile painted across her face. “Oh, wow. That’s...that’s cool. Did you talk?”

“Yes. You’d be so proud of me, I even got her number!”

“Wow. Awesome!” Alaska felt like she was going to throw up, shifting her gaze to the bartender, grateful for the distraction as he slid two ginger ales across the bar. She couldn’t help wishing that half the glass was Jack Daniels. She handed one of them to Jinkx and took her own. It tasted just dust.

“Yeah, but she was still a bit formal, you know? I think I need to see her in a more relaxed setting. Do you think she likes opera? Maybe I can ask her to Madame Butterfly?” Jinkx chattered, away, oblivious to Alaska’s shift in mood.

“You really think the Met is a relaxed setting?”

Jinkx threw back her head and laughed, squeezing Alaska’s arm. “Omigod, you’re right. I’m such a dingbat. What would I do without you, Lasky?”

“I don’t know…” Alaska stirred her drink.

“What do you think she likes?”

“Uh, I’m really not sure,” Alaska said. And it was true. She knew that Ivy was sweet, and professional, and did her job with a kind of calm efficiency. But she didn’t know her very well on a personal level, their professional paths rarely crossing directly.

“Hmm, maybe you can ask around? If that wouldn’t be too weird?” Jinkx looked so hopeful and earnest that Alaska couldn’t help but smile for real in spite of herself, immediately agreeing to help her on this quest to capture Ivy’s heart.

“Of course. I’ll ask around.”

Jinkx sighed happily, leaning on Alaska’s shoulder, eyes falling closed for a moment. “You really are my favorite person, Lask.”

“Back atcha, Jinxky.”

***

Adore walked into Bianca’s party, feeling like a million bucks. Everyone that was anyone and even some who were nothing were there, and Adore knew she looked better than all of them with her purple hair, her pouty red lips, her short black leather dress, fishnets, and best of all… Pearl, the sexiest fucking goddess she’d ever seen in her life at her side.

She hung on Pearl’s arm, enjoying the jealous looks she got; knowing that everyone at the party wanted to be in her place. She even got a nasty look from some models, who were clearly all in love with her girl, but Adore didn’t care.

Pearl was here with her and only her. Pearl glanced at her every few seconds with a smug grin on her face, like the cat that just ate the canary. Well, if the canary was Adore’s pussy. Which would mean the cat was… Well whatever, Adore wasn’t an English scholar. She was in love.

The only thing that sucked was that Courtney looked so fucking miserable. They’d been a little late picking her up, due to getting, well, sidetracked for a while at Pearl’s, and then stopping for food. She thought that Courtney would be a bit more understanding, but she’d barely spoken two words in the car, even Pearl picking up on her obvious anger.

And now, even though she was at the coolest party in Manhattan, she didn’t look happy at all. Adore caught her eye, offering a hopeful smile, but received only a resigned nod in return. She reached out to touch her hand.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look?” Adore asked, hoping that a compliment and a charming grin would be enough to lighten her mood.

“You think?” Courtney asked, adjusting one of her straps nervously. “I don’t look out of place?”

“Bitch, you put all these other girls to shame,” Adore promised, and was rewarded, finally, with a pleased smile from Courtney.

“Thanks.”

“Pearl!”

Adore looked over at the group of giggling socialites who were approaching them, only slightly annoyed when they swept her girlfriend up. She pouted as Pearl dropped her hand, but smiled again when she doubled back to whisper into her ear, “I’m gonna try and squeeze some gossip out of these hoes, and then I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Okay, but don’t be too long!” Adore pulled her in, branding her cheek with a dark red kiss before taking Courtney’s arm and sauntering away, pleased with herself. She scanned the party, looking for her sister and finally spotting her holding court near the bar. She cupped her hands over her mouth to shout through the crowd. “Bianca! Happy birthday, you ancient whore!”

*

Bianca turned towards her sister’s voice, barking out, “You’re late!”

“Whaddaya mean, we’re right on time for a grand entrance!” Adore countered, laughing.

“Well-” Bianca stopped, completely losing her train of thought when her eyes landed on Courtney. She was wearing a short red dress, the first time Bianca has seen her in a color other than pastels, and she looked absolutely fucking stunning--legs a mile long, one blonde curl falling into her eyes. Damn.

“You look cute, B. Very boobalicious,” Adore said, giving her a hug. “Not bad for an old lady.”

“Yeah, thank you,” Bianca said, eyes still locked on Courtney. “Hi, Courtney.”

“Hi. Happy birthday,” Courtney said, giving her a sweet smile. “Sorry we’re late.”

“Oh, that’s alright,” Bianca told her. “But here, uh...this’ll help you catch up.”

She took a couple of the signature drinks from a passing tray and handed them over. Adore immediately began to suck hers down, but Courtney hesitated.

“Um, what’s in this?”

“Courtney’s afraid of tequila. It makes her messy, right bae?” Adore bumped her hip.

“Something like that.”

“It’s called a Madras. Vodka, orange juice and cranberry. No tequila, but it will fuck you up. Be warned,” Bianca said with a wink.

“Well...cheers,” Courtney said, giving an adorable little laugh.

“Cheers.” Bianca took a sip of her own drink, then leaned in closer. “You look amazing, by the way.”

“Yeah?” Courtney’s eyes shone, her fingers twirling that stray lock of hair.

“Yeah.” Bianca tried unsuccessfully to wipe the stupid grin off her face, and instead broke the tension with, “I’m shocked that someone who’s friends with my sister has such good taste.”

“Hey!” Adore exclaimed.

“Don’t be too impressed. It’s a loaner,” Courtney replied drily, causing Bianca to throw back her head and laugh.

“Fair enough.” She downed the rest of her drink, waving off a couple of acquaintances who were trying to get her attention.

“Be right back,” Adore said, scampering away towards Pearl, of course jumping the second the blonde so much as crooked a little finger.

Courtney reached out for her, but she was already gone. She sighed slightly, looking a little bit dejected, and Bianca cleared her throat.

“So listen, I heard through the grapevine that you’re looking for a way to avoid your, uh, Galactica employers while you’re here?”

Courtney looked up, startled. She seemed shocked that Bianca was still talking to her, and she stammered uncomfortably. “Oh. Yeah, no, I just-”

“Listen, it’s understandable, you wanna have a good time. Can’t do that while your boss is breathing down your neck, right?” Bianca flashed her dimples.

“Well...yeah,” Courtney admitted, laughing a little.

Bianca stepped closer, slipping an arm around her shoulders and lowering her voice conspiratorially. “Fame and Raja are well contained, don’t worry. I made a VIP section since those two need a velvet rope to feel like they’re having a good time.”

Courtney giggled. “Like a rich person playpen?”

“It’s a prison of their own making,” Bianca affirmed,  giving her a wink. “Trust me, they’re looking down on everyone the way they prefer, and they ain’t leaving.”

“Well...thank you.” Courtney bit her lip. It was hard to tell in this light, but it looked like a slight blush had crept into her cheeks, and Bianca found herself even more enamored.

“Anytime.”

A second later, she felt someone tap on her arm: one of the Marie-Claire board members, who she sadly couldn’t ignore.

“Sorry, I have go...do hostess shit,” Bianca said, regret flooding her chest, and Courtney nodded.

“Of course.”

She turned towards the middle-aged man and his young wife, saying her cursory hellos and giving air kisses, making small talk with them both. As soon as she could manage, though, she spared a glance back at Courtney.

The plan, from the moment Adore told her that Courtney was coming, had been to seduce this smoking hot friend of her sister’s. And she figured that the “rough break-up” that Adore’d reported would make it a sure thing. An easy and fun little fling--a birthday present to herself.

But now, something about the wistful, faraway expression on her delicate face as she smoothed down her skirt made her look vulnerable, in a way that gave Bianca pause. As stunning as she was--and fuck, she was an absolute knock-out--it didn’t make Bianca want to seduce her. Instead, it made her want to protect her. Ugh, why did her fucking conscience have rear its ugly head tonight, on her birthday of all nights?

“Thank you so much. Be sure to check out the raw bar!” she said, finally escaping and ready to head back to Courtney--but Adore beat her to it.

She watched as her sister came bounding up, Pearl in tow, and grabbed Courtney’s hands to pull her onto the dance floor.

Well, good. She should have a good time. Lord knows, anyone who worked for Fame deserved to blow off some steam. Bianca snatched another drink from a passing tray, trying to redirect her attention to the Welsh model who’d been giving her bedroom eyes all night.

***

Violet was having a surprisingly good time, taking small sips of her champagne. She had hurried home from work, almost ready when Sutan had texted that he was downstairs, the smile on Sutan’s face when he had seen her dress almost, almost, almost worth it’s price tag.

She had never been to an event of this size without having to worry if catering ran out of ice, or if she’d need to get taxis for whoever got way too drunk. It was nice to just stand by Sutan’s side, nice to be allowed to just be, without having to entertain or constantly think about everything that could go wrong.

“Ah, yes, of course.” Sutan smiled, his thumb rubbing up and down the small of Violet’s back. He was talking to one of the models from Elite, Violet vaguely recognizing her from some of the headshots she had presented to Fame for the fall collection. “I’ll be sure to tell Marcel about that.”

“Excuse me,” Violet turned, her eyes falling on a man with a camera, the card around his neck instantly telling her that he was from OK! magazine. “I was wondering if I could take a few pictures?”

“Oh,” Violet didn’t know what to do, her stomach instantly tightening.

“Sure,” Sutan grinned, turning towards the camera. “Right girls?”

“I-” Violet didn’t want to be in the picture, didn’t want someone she didn’t know documenting where she was, didn’t want to risk it ending up online. “I don’t-”

“Oh of course,” Sutan took her glass, handing it off to someone. “There we go.”

“Sutan”

“Come here,” Sutan put an arm around the model, posing both of them.

“Please-” Violet could feel Sutan’s hand on her hip, holding her tight, keeping her trapped, her throat closing up.

“Should we smile?”

“No,” The photographer looked out from behind his camera, “just be natural.”

Violet pushed away, forcing Sutan to let her go as the camera went off. She didn’t hear Sutan say her name, a quick flicker of a question on his face, didn’t see him smile apologetically to the photographer and pose with the model, didn’t notice any of it as she made her way outside, escaping the only thing she could think of.

***

Juju strolled through the crowd with Raven. She appreciated the whole VIP setup as much as anyone, but this was a massive party, and they’d decided to come spend a little time where the action was, maybe dance a bit -at least as much as her poor pregnant body would allow. They were stopped by a group of models, Raven proudly showing off her engagement ring and letting the other girls fawn all over her.

Juju put up with the schmoozing for a couple of minutes--after all, those girls were potential clients, until she spotted Bianca nearby and politely excused herself from the group, knowing that Raven would be perfectly content with her little fan club.

Bianca was chatting up some sweet young thing (typical), and Juju couldn’t resist messing with her a little. She wrapped her arms around Bianca’s waist from behind, asking in a low, husky voice, “Tell me I’m your favorite, Daddy.”

It was a joke between the two of them, something that had started years ago when Juju and Detox were first dating. They’d shown up at brunch one morning in the middle of a heated argument about whether it was appropriate for her to call him “Daddy” during sex--ironically, only a few months before she got preganant with their first child. It wasn’t a kink thing, exactly, it was just that she thought it was funny, and especially so when she saw his freaked out reaction. The group agreed that right or wrong, if it bothered him then she probably shouldn’t say it. But Bianca, ever the good sport, had pulled the smaller woman into her lap and declared that if she really needed to call someone Daddy, she was ‘willing to take one for the team.’

Juju accompanied her breathy greeting by biting gently on Bianca’s ear, adding, “Pwease?”

Bianca burst out laughing, pulling her close and introducing her to a very confused looking girl. “Tayce, you must know my friend Juju Sanderson. The brilliant hairstylist who owns Jujubee’s downtown?”

“Oh, yeah! It’s an honor!” Tayce said, her brown eyes lighting up as a dazzling smile spread across her face. “I’ve been trying to get an appointment with you, but you’re booked up for months!”

Juju had to bite back her laugh when she heard Tayce speak--Bianca always was a sucker for an accent.

“Well, play your luck with Daddy here, and you might jump the queue,” Juju said with a wink.

“Among other benefits,” Bianca cackled. “You know you’re the only one who I’d let get away with that Daddy shit, right?”

“Yes, thank you. You’re a lot more fun than my husband.”

“In so many ways,” Bianca said, turning to Tayce and giving her a playful smirk.

***

Violet took a deep breath, letting it out through her teeth as she could finally feel her heart slow down, though the knot in her stomach wasn’t going away.

She knew she couldn’t help it, but it was impossible not to feel an inkling of shame travel up her spine, the feeling that she was being ridiculous impossible to push down.

Sutan hadn’t meant anything by it, taking photos a part of his life, being in the public eye something that simply came natural for him.

Violet took a last breath, pushing away from the wall she had been leaning against to go back to the party, hoping that Sutan hadn’t noticed how strange she was acting.

It wasn’t that Violet liked acting this way, that she wanted to feel the panic rising in her body whenever she saw a camera in a stranger's hand, but she couldn’t help it.

She was an adult now, she had her own life, her own money and even her own job and her own apartment, but it was hard not to hide, impossible not to react to the instinctive fear that welled up in her at the risk of being found.

Violet walked back inside, the noise and the amount of people feeling so much more overwhelming when she wasn’t at Sutan’s side. She made her way through the crowd, easily spotting both Fame and Pearl, avoiding both of them.

She was starting to think Sutan had left, Raja nowhere to be found either, when she saw him sitting at a table, surrounded by models. He was laughing loudly, his arm around one of the girls, several of the models’ phones taking pictures of everything that was happening.

Violet’s stomach did a flip, the panic from earlier rushing through her body. She couldn’t go over there, couldn’t be a part of that part of Sutan’s world, so instead, Violet did what she always did.

Turned around, and walked away.

***

[Raja?] Sutan put a hand on Raja’s hip, turning her around. Sutan had been sitting with a group of models, doing shots and having fun right up until one of them had touched his legs under the table, and he had abandoned ship instantly.

[Have you seen Violet?]

He hadn’t seen her in over an hour, and while Sutan was more than sure that Violet could take care of herself, he had started to worry.

[Sutan!] Raja grinned, stepping into his space, looping her arms around his neck. [Hello brother dear.]

[Hello.] Sutan smiled, once again reminded of how much he truly loved Raja. She was tipsy, her eyes swimming slightly, which was probably why she hadn’t responded to his question. [Have you seen Violet?]

[Violet?] Raja tilted her head, her hand fiddling with the hairs at the nape of his neck. [No?]

[Shit.] Sutan bit his lip, his hands resting on Raja’s hips.

[Maybe she just left?] Raja smiled, running her fingers through his hair. [There’s no need to worry.]

[Maybe...]

[She can handle herself.]

[Mmmh.] Sutan knew that Raja was probably right, but it still felt weird that VIolet hadn’t said goodbye, and if he was honest, he was disappointed that they wouldn’t be going home together at the end of the night. [I’ll send her a text.]

Sutan was just about to reach into his pocket, was just about to get his phone out, when he saw a photographer to his left, just outside the VIP section. The paparazzi always loved to get photos of him and Raja together, and while he was sure Raja hadn’t noticed, he made sure to twist her slightly to the left, getting her good side as he smiled at the camera.

***

“Every guy here is drooling over you, bae,” Adore giggled, spinning Courtney on the dance floor before accepting another drink from Pearl.

“Not just the guys,” Pearl added with a wink.

Courtney laughed. In spite of her hesitation in tagging along, she’d been having a pretty good time. The attention was fun, of course, but Courtney’d barely noticed the alleged guys drooling over her. She couldn’t help thinking about the way she’d felt when Bianca put that arm around her, the way her brown eyes had sparkled in the dim light. The way goosebumps prickled her skin as Bianca’s fingers grazed her shoulder.

Her gaze kept being pulled in Bianca’s direction. Eyes drifting over her enticing curves in that tight dress. And occasionally, to her absolute thrill, Bianca would be looking back at her. Every time their eyes met, her stomach flipped around like crazy.

It was silly, she knew that. She knew that Bianca was only being nice to her because she was Adore’s friend. A nice kid. That it didn’t mean anything deep. This was, after all, a woman who dated supermodels and Oscar winners. Like the gorgeous girl by her side most of the evening, who had a face that Courtney instantly recognized from last month’s British Vogue cover.

Still.

The reality of the situation didn’t stop her from pretending, even just to herself, even just for the night, that maybe there was something there, that warranted all these confusing feelings swirling around inside her like a tornado.

And later, when they were saying goodbye, she allowed herself to enjoy the way Bianca’s palm pressed to the small of her back. She even let her lips linger for a few moments on Bianca’s warm cheek, kissing her goodnight.

***

SUTAN: Did you leave?

[MISSED CALL]

SUTAN: The party is still going.

SUTAN: Did you get home safe?

[MISSED CALL]

SUTAN: I can’t find you.

[MISSED CALL]

SUTAN: Violet??

VIOLET: I’m fine.

[haberdashing]

i want you to straighten out my tomorrow (3/?)

The last thing Jon remembers is working into the night in the Archives in early 2016. Now he’s in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, Scotland, with Martin Blackwood as his only companion. Obviously Jon’s missed something along the way here…

Inspired by beloved of jon, though it can be read separately.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

on AO3

Martin took a deep breath and released it slowly before speaking again.

“So.” Martin tapped his fork against his plate, which made a noise that got on Jon’s nerves a bit, but he’d just taken a big bite of his pancake to show his following through on his part of their makeshift deal so he couldn’t exactly complain about it. “I guess I’ll start from here, and from what brought us here, and sort of, er, work backwards? I mean, I imagine you’ve got enough questions about what’s going on now without me bringing up a load of other weird things for you to wonder about.”

Jon nodded silently. Martin certainly wasn’t wrong about that bit; Jon had plenty of questions waiting to be asked already.

“Daisy didn’t actually give us the key to this place; I suppose that’s as good a place to start as any. There were hunters at the Institute when we left, and she was busy, er, fighting them off, so we didn’t get to say goodbye or anything--though I don’t know if I would have, I never really knew Daisy that well. But Basira--she works for the Institute now too, but before all that she and Daisy were cops together, they’re, they’re close--she was able to give us the keys, said she thought Daisy would approve.”

There was a lot to process there, unsurprisingly. Now there were two Institute employees Martin had brought up that Jon didn’t know rather than just one; the use of “hunters” seemed a bit odd, made Jon wonder what they were hunting for, whether Hunt was a fear to be capitalized like Eye and Web; all sorts of interpersonal relationship stuff could be teased out there, if one had a mind to do so, which Jon didn’t especially at the moment.

What was at the front of Jon’s mind, though, was that evidently there had been some danger at the Institute, whether because of these “hunters” (”Hunters”?) or for some other reason, and of the three other people working there that Jon cared about, the only one whose safety was assured was the one sitting in front of him.

(Elias didn’t count. Jon tolerated Elias well enough, and he was glad the man had trusted him with an opportunity by promoting him to Head Archivist even if he felt like he was just flailing around playing pretend half the time, but he didn’t care about Elias, not like he did about the rest of his crew.)

Jon swallowed the last of his current bite of food before Martin could start up again. “What about Tim and Sasha?”

Martin furrowed his brow, confusion evident on his face--the word “adorable” sprung to Jon’s mind, unbidden--so Jon elaborated further.

“You haven’t mentioned what happened to Tim and Sasha during all of this. Are they alright?”

And then Jon watched Martin’s face slowly fall, could practically see the gears turning as Martin tried to figure out a tactful response, and he wasn’t the best at reading facial expressions but figuring out this one wasn’t exactly rocket science.

“Were they together in the end, at least?”

Martin shook his head, loose curls flying everywhere as he did so, one of them settling in between his eyes in a place that didn’t look like it’d be comfortable or even easy to ignore, but Martin made no attempt to brush it away. “Sorry?”

“I just... they were always so close to each other. If they’re... gone... I just hope they were side by side when their time came.”

“Oh.” Martin bit his lip for a moment. “No, uh, they- it wasn’t just now, during that attack on the Institute--we lost Tim a little over a year ago, now, and Sasha... was about a year before that.”

Jon let out a long breath as he felt his insides turn cold. Two of his closest companions were dead and gone, and he didn’t even remember it happening.

“Actually, this- this may sound weird, but can you... describe Sasha for me?”

Jon let out a huff. “You work more closely with her than I do.”

“Humor me, please?”

Martin’s request did sound weird, but... but not as weird as Jon would have expected, when he thought about it. It was a piece of this massive puzzle, that much was clear, and Jon had a feeling that somewhere, just out of his reach, was the rest of it, and he’d be able to put all the pieces together eventually.

“She’s... short. Shorter than me. Blonde hair, usually in a bob, sometimes with a headband. Has a thing for costume jewelry...”

Martin let out a soft sigh and shook his head again, though that one strand of curly hair remained in place between his eyes. (Some distant part of Jon wanted to reach out and brush it away; the more rational part of Jon didn’t dare, wouldn’t even mention the loose curl unless it came up naturally.) “Yeah, that’s, that’s about what I figured... still, it was worth a shot.”

“What was worth a shot?”

Martin bit down on his bottom lip again, hard, enough that Jon wondered if it would leave a mark.

“Why did you ask about Sasha? Were you hoping I’d say something different?”

“I... yes, I did, it’s just... Jon, eat.”

Jon stared down at his half-full plate, huffing a little before going along with Martin’s request and having another bite.

“Okay, so, with Sasha... when she died-” And Martin paused for a brief moment there, looking away from Jon, and his voice sounded a little shakier when he started up again. “She was, was replaced by the thing that killed her. It took her place and changed all of our memories so we thought she was always like that, that nothing was wrong. I thought maybe since you forgot all that, your memories might still be of the real Sasha, but... no, that’s the one I remember too, and that’s not her. That’s the thing that took her place.”

“It changed our memories, and we couldn’t even tell.” Jon’s voice was calm, but his mind was anything but as he contemplated the implications of that statement.

“Yeah, we didn’t even know she was dead until- until the thing that replaced her went after you. I still don’t know what she actually looked like. I think Melanie remembered the real Sasha, but we never really got a chance to sit down and talk about it...”

A third name Jon didn’t recognize there--good Lord, how much turnover did Institute staff have these days?--but that wasn’t what caught Jon’s attention most.

“So there’s no way to know if our memories are real or just, just changed or made up by supernatural beings messing with us?”

“Well, apparently tape recorders are just old enough that they don’t change, something about the difference between analog and digital? Think that’s why the statements record fine on them, too. The, the real ones, I mean.”

Jon let out a long sight. “And I don’t suppose you’ve got tape recording of all or... any of the things you’ve been talking about?”

“No, Jon, I wasn’t exactly able to bring the whole Archives with us when we went on the run, sorry.”

The phrase “on the run” caught Jon attention briefly--that sounded like it was more than two hunters they had to worry about, like they were hiding from the authorities on top of all that--but again, Jon’s thoughts drifted elsewhere.

“So there’s no proof. No proof of any of this, even the parts I think I remember. We can’t prove that you’re who you say you are-”

Jon gestured with his butter knife at Martin, and Martin threw his hands up in mock surrender in response. “H-hang on now-”

“Or, or even that I’m who I think I am. For all I know I’m not even Jonathan Sims, for all I know my, my whole life never happened and I just had fake memories that it did implanted because that’s what some supernatural creature wanted-”

Jon’s rambling only trailed off when he noticed that Martin was quietly giggling to himself.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, really, I- sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing, I know this is serious-”

“It is, yes.”

“It’s just- I don’t think this is the first time you’ve had this particular existential crisis before? I, uh, I think the way you put it in one of your tapes was ‘How do you know that you’re the same person who went to sleep?’“

Martin’s impression of Jon’s voice was more accurate than Jon would have expected, though he wasn’t going to actually comment as much out loud.

“Something I said on a tape that I don’t have, that I don’t remember ever making... forgive me if I’m not terribly reassured.”

“A-alright, fair enough. Maybe just- just think of it this way. How much does all of this actually change?”

Jon wrinkled his brow. “I don’t think I follow.”

“Look, I know you know your philosophy well enough. Losing memories of a chunk of your life, finding out that the supernatural can mess with your mind... it’s horrible, I know, believe me, but it doesn’t really open up any new possibilities about the state of the world. It was always possible that- that the world was just some elaborate simulation, or that life just started five seconds ago and all your memories before then are fake, or that everybody besides you is just an object pretending to be a person, or whatever. If you didn’t buy into that kind of thing before, why does this change all that?”

That... was actually a good point, now that Martin brought it up, and Jon thought about it for a moment in silence.

“Please don’t tell me you do buy into that kind of thing regardless-”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Good.”

“So, will you at least try to take the world at face value for a bit unless you’ve got an actual reason to do otherwise?”

“Except for Sasha, of course.”

“Yeah, except for Sasha, I suppose, though I don’t know that she’d come up that much anyway, it’s...” Martin let out a soft sigh. “It’s been a while.”

“...fine. Alright. Until I’ve got a reason to do otherwise, I’ll...” Jon massaged his temple with one hand. “Try to trust my own mind, at least.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” The smile on Martin’s face looked a bit thin, a bit forced, but it was better than nothing, Jon supposed.

“So if that’s what happened to Sasha, what about Tim? Please don’t tell me I’m remembering him wrong, too...”

“No, it wasn’t that. The, the not-Sasha thing went missing around when you went on the run for murder, only popped up again just before we came here.”

“So what happened to Tim, then?”

“Oh, he, uh, blew up a circus to stop it from ending the world.”

Taking a sip of tea while waiting for Martin to respond had definitely been a mistake. Jon gulped his mouthful of tea down fast, the heat making his throat ache, but at least he could respond, and better drinking too fast than choking on the stuff.

“What, and the circus killed him for doing it?”

“No, he... he was inside it when he blew it up.”

Jon didn’t know what to say to that, so he just took another bite of now-lukewarm pancake and let Martin keep speaking.

“You were too, actually. It’s a- it’s complicated, I think I get how you came out the other side now, but I’m surprised you don’t have more scars from that at least...”

“Speaking of which. Where did all these scars come from?”

“Well. Er.” Martin set his silverware aside and scooted his chair closer in to Jon. “A bunch of places, really, but I can go over them one by one...”

First, Martin gestured broadly across Jon’s whole body. “The little- the worm scars. That’s what those are, all over. That’s... Jane Prentiss attacked the Institute--you do know that name, at least?”

“I’m familiar with the files on her, yes.”

“I wish all I knew about her was from those files...” Martin let out a soft but surprisingly sharp laugh before continuing. “So, the worms got to you- you and Tim both, actually. We got rid of them, but not before they dug in enough to leave those scars on the two of you.”

Jon still didn’t remember the incident in question, but even that vague description of it was enough to make him shudder a bit. Worms had dug into his skin. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to hear, but it... it hadn’t been that, certainly. “What about you? Obviously you didn’t get the same scars...”

“No, I, I got lost in the tunnels when they attacked-”

“The tunnels?”

“Yeah, there’s a whole secret maze of tunnels under the Institute, turns out. That’s where, uh, I found Gertrude’s body. And Michael. And you found Leitner in there, I think? And the, the Panopticon is down there too.”

...there were entirely too many things going on in that statement for Jon to be able to process them all at once. His predecessor’s body, another name he didn’t recognize, a name he knew all too well, and something he knew best as a philosophical concept but apparently was in fact a physical thing somewhere under the Institute?

Jon took a deep breath and slowly let it out before speaking again.

“Alright, that’s one scar then. The hand--you said I ‘sort of’ stuck it in a fireplace?”

“Well it’s, it’s not an entirely accurate description, but...” Martin’s arm darted out, hovering over the scarred hand in question before slowly falling back to his side; Jon’s heartbeat raced as he watched Martin’s arm approach his, and he wasn’t sure if it was out of fear or anxiety or something else. “I wasn’t there for this one but you apparently, uh, shook hands with someone in with the Lightless Flame, someone who’s basically made of molten wax. Jude Perry, is the name.”

The name meant nothing to Jon, but he vaguely remembered reading something about the Lightless Flame before, and he wrinkled his brow in confusion. “Why would I do that?”

Martin’s laugh was a bit fuller this time, less bitter and more genuine. “That is an excellent question."

“...so you don’t know, then.”

“No, but- it’s hard to see, but there’s actually another scar on that same hand? At the time you told us some ridiculous story about cutting yourself on a bread knife, but I heard the truth later. That, that Michael I mentioned, he stabbed you. Didn’t like that you tried to stop him from taking Helen, I think.”

“This being the same Michael that you found in the tunnels.” Jon had half-assumed this Michael was one of the apparently ever-changing archival staff in the Institute that he didn’t remember, but evidently that assumption was a faulty one.

“Yeah, but he’s not just in the tunnels, that time he was in your office--he could go anywhere, just pop out of a yellow door. Still can, sort of, but it’s not Michael now, it’s Helen.”

“The same Helen I tried to stop this Michael from taking?”

“Yeah... well, yes and no. Helen’s not exactly the same as she was...”

Jon sighed. “Alright. Moving on, then. Shoulder scar?” Jon tugged his oversized shirt down a bit, made it so the scar would poke out a bit more.

“Oh that, uh, that was Melanie’s doing-”

“The, the Melanie who remembered the real Sasha?”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”

Jon pinched the bridge of his nose. Either he really needed to stop assuming every name Martin dropped was an Institute employee, or Institute employees seemed to have a nasty habit of injuring him badly enough to give him scars. Or both. With his luck, probably both.

“So what exactly did Melanie do?”

“She stabbed you with, with a scalpel? See, you and Basira were doing surgery on her-”

“I thought you said Basira used to be a cop.” Jon considered adding and not a doctor out loud, but he figured the implication was clear enough.

“Yeah, that’s right. Why?”

“...so, I was doing surgery on Melanie, with a former cop as my assistant-”

“Yeah, to get a ghost bullet out of her leg. But she woke up and freaked out and stabbed you with a nearby scalpel. Honestly, I don’t entirely blame her for that bit, though she definitely took it too far.”

If Martin was telling the truth, he’d been doing amateur surgery, with a fellow non-surgeon as his only assistant, to retrieve a “ghost bullet,” whatever that was... and the patient had woken up mid-surgery and stabbed him?

He’d known these scars would have stories of some kind behind them, but that... God, what could he even say to that?

Well. Only one scar that he knew of left. Might as well wrap things up, see if that left him with any more pieces with which to put together this very strange puzzle.

“So that just leaves the scar on my throat, then, I believe.”

“Er. Right.” Martin looked down at his plate of food; a quick glance revealed that he’d actually eaten less than Jon had at this point, though Jon certainly wasn’t going to nag him about it. “About that.”

“Yes?”

“Just, uh, don’t take this the wrong way...”

“Did you stab me, too?”

“What? No!” Martin’s face flushed at the accusation. “Jesus, Jon, no, I would never...”

“Then who... or what... did?”

“...Daisy did. I don’t know all the details, I don’t think I want to, but I know she brought you somewhere to kill you, and while she obviously didn’t do that, she got far enough to leave that on your neck.”

“...the Daisy whose house we’re staying in.”

“This is one of her safehouses, yeah. I think Basira said she’s got a few of them?”

“And you’re sure we’re safe here.” Half statement, half question.

“...I really hope we’re safe here. Can’t honestly say I’m sure about that, though...”

Jon dropped his silverware, letting it clatter against the plate and the table as he covered his head in his hands.

“Wonderful. Just... just wonderful.”

[bbq-hawks-wings]

BBQ gripes about fanon Hawks

Not even gonna put this in the character tags aside from the spoiler one I use just for the anime-onlies on my blog. I'm salty. I just wanna vent. I want to keep the general character tags fun because it was awful when I went looking for new content and found so much Not Fun material a while back; and I don’t want to become what I hate. Basic point - my blog, my vent, and unless it’s reblogged (which you are welcome to if you like) this post dies here.

Please know this isn't a callout post or me claiming that others are being fans of Hawks "wrong" because they disagree with me. I am a huge proponent that (with very few exceptions) fiction and fandom should be free to be enjoyed, reinterpreted, or otherwise indulged in however the individual fan prefers; and if I don't like it, I let them have their space and go do my thing elsewhere and leave them alone (hence why this not going in character tags). I just have been annoyed with the rampant mangling of Hawks' canon  personality/characterization - that is, confusing common fanon interpretations of him with how he’s actually written/portrayed and then getting angry (like, actually-angry-spilling-into-publicly-dragging-real-people, not just disappointed) when he acts like canon Hawks in canon. Non-canon is open season and by and large has my blessing, it’s just frustrating when it gets dragged into discussions about the manga. 

This has been going on a long time, but I just want to get it out of my system in my personal space. All this is, is my "Overthinking Tumblr blogger Shakes Fist at Cloud" moment.

#1 Hawks is a sociopath/unempathetic.

I just... I... You can't be reading the same manga I am if you genuinely come to this conclusion about who he is in canon. A man with nothing to gain by looking like this when considering the depths of the suffering inflicted on others that he bears some amount of responsibility in...

...cannot be called unempathetic.

"But he killed Twice and Best Jeanist!"

Twofold counterargument to this one, starting with BJ - we don't actually know he's dead. There's a body, there's a disappearance, and we have no idea wtf happened, but we also don't know wtf happened. It's drastically ooc for Hawks to murder someone in cold blood. For someone who places emphasis on speed specifically "because when two sides keep fighting and won’t give up, someone eventually has to die" it makes no sense for him to not have had a plan and simply ambush a man in his own home - this goes doubly since he was in contact with the HSPC and had time to "premeditate" anyway.

And as for Twice: Hawks ran out of options. He wanted to detain Twice and keep him from escaping and helping the MLA. He was able to do so when alone, but the moment Dabi cornered him Hawks had a choice to make - probably die in the fight and let Jin go or make absolute certain he can’t and still probably end up dying because he's in bad shape and still probably won't make it out of this, regardless. I don't need to harp on this - it's been said a couple different times now by several people. Even in 266 when Dabi initially ambushes Hawks, Hawks thinks to himself that he’ll carry Jin out of the building to keep himself and Jin safe before Twice retaliated and Dabi literally forces Hawks into a corner.

Jin's loss was a blow, but the chips on the table being wagered are human lives, not feelings. Up until that point, Hawks did everything he could despite the weight of his decision. Human life is human life, and Jin’s life isn’t more important than the may more who will be saved by quashing the MLA’s revolution. Simply equating “could kill someone” with “unempathetic” is fundamentally flawed, and mistaking someone who is pushed to kill despite every attempt to avoid it as unempathetic and even sociopathic has missed the point to the extreme - the mere fact he avoided lethal force for so long alone proves he possesses empathy.

#2 Hawks is a compulsive liar.

He is a good liar, but he does not like lying. He does twist the truth, but always when forced to keep a secret. Even then, his lies are predominantly spun from truth and omitted details instead of outright fabrications. He doesn’t gaslight, and he doesn’t make up stories/details if he can help it.

When Hawks told Endeavor his dreams for the future, that was the truth. When he told him he thought he was cool at the hero billboards, that was the truth.  When he tells Tokoyami to focus on his strengths instead of merely covering his weaknesses to be a better hero, that was the truth. When Tokoyami asks Hawks for his weakness and even why he took him on as an intern in the beginning just to ignore him, he tells him the truth.  When he tells Jin he "doesn't belong in a cage" and that he considers him a good person, that was the truth. When he recognizes he’s profoundly wounded Jin for deceiving him for months, he tells Jin the truth. When confronted by Dabi and he doesn’t need to lie anymore in this fight to the death, he tells him the truth despite not actually needing to in hopes to learn the truth behind Dabi and Shigaraki.

I don't have a better segue, so I'll just mention that a lot of folks who believe this also believe the next point.

#3 Hawks is unapologetically emotionally manipulative.

The context makes a huge difference and we need to look at when and why he manipulates others as well as the fact that he does.

At the hero billboards, Hawks plays the heroes on stage as well as the crowd. He's trying to shift the mindset of, "oh yeah, just another hero ranking" to "wake up, mf's, things are changing and you better be ready to change, too!" Rocking the boat is a huge no-no in Japan. Despite being part of his “persona” there is still real social risk involved with this move but one that he deems necessary to turn heads and get gears turning. This is not just an elaborate ploy to get under Endeavor’s skin, but an effort to reach a wider audience while he has them captive.

He does use the public crowd around him and Endeavor before the Hood fight as an excuse for its appearance, but the original intent was to mentally prepare Endeavor for what was potentially (and proved to be) the fight of his life without outright telling him so he could maintain his undercover status. When he realizes he’s part of the reason for Endeavor’s permanent scar and life-threatening injuries, he feels remorse.

He lies to Jin to get information out of him, but linking back to #2, when calls Jin a good person and offers him a way out, he’s telling the truth. He does feel guilt for having to manipulate an otherwise well-meaning person and betraying them, especially given his long-running history of being used and the ongoing issues he suffers from because of it.

When he meets up again with Endeavor to drop his clues about the League’s movements, he squirms when he realizes the interns don’t know him well enough to know he’s blowing smoke because he does NOT want these kids to actually buy what he’s selling. This espionage mission is hard to navigate, and he has to tread carefully lest he setup the dominoes in the wrong places.

This is all to make the point that Hawks is more than capable of emotionally manipulating people, but it’s not in his nature or something he does to any and every person he comes across just because. We haven’t had much opportunity to see him operate outside of the HSPC’s orders which is where the bulk of the instances of his manipulation comes from - those orders requiring him to operate covertly and thus, by nature, necessitate lying, manipulation, and strategically withholding information. 

If anything, when he’s making an appeal to someone else as his own person - not as a hero on a mission- we actually see a level of vulnerability and transparency we don’t otherwise catch.

Though it’s technically canon-adjacent and not necessarily canon in and of itself, in My Hero Academia: Team Up Mission where he works with Bakugo and Midoriya he operates on a level of transparency with them we’re not used to seeing; and my theory is he took it as an opportunity to operate without ulterior motives and build report instead of bucking back against “training up the next generation of heroes” like he initially did with Tokoyami.

Which now actually segues better into the next point.

#4 Hawks never lets people get close to him.

There’s a surprising amount of evidence that Hawks wants the ability to be an open book. Back at Team Up Mission, the restaurant staff note he regularly takes people he likes to their establishment - so we’re basically told outright this is a special place to him reserved for enjoying himself and only people he likes get to share it with him - so we already know what that says about how he sees those two despite their sparse interactions. We already know he’s taken Endeavor there when Endeavor made no move to input as to where he wanted to have the lunch meeting.

Though he kept Tokoyami at arm’s length initially, we have at least three canon instances of him sharing personal interactions with him with other canon-adjacent indications he cares for and values his intern. We’ve readily established that while Endeavor may not consider himself close to Hawks, Hawks does hold Endeavor as near and dear to his heart. While his only mission regarding Twice was to get information out of him, he still made a genuine effort to help and save him because he wanted to and considered him a friend despite the circumstances.

We still don’t know very much of Hawk’s past, his personal relationships outside of work, etc.; but despite the HPSC’s extensive efforts to strip him of his identity he not only possesses a faceted, complicated personality but seems to want to share that with others readily when and in the ways he’s able. Getting into the truly squishy, vulnerable parts of him may take a while, but on a scale of closed to open, he seems to lean towards open.

#5 Hawks is hopelessly in love with Dabi and will abandon everything up to this point for him.

This isn't to throw general DabiHawks shippers under the bus. Most of them know VERY well at this point that canon has sunk that ship, and they're just having fun with it at this point - and you know what, power to you! They look great together! In another life, the character chemistry could have been incredible. There’s a lot of great DabiHawks shipping content I thoroughly enjoy despite not shipping it myself.

It just isn't canon. It never was and never came close. Even now, with the Endeavor reveal being very much imminent, Hawks' view of Dabi is one of a lying, malicious, callous, murderer. Though he’ll likely be crushed at the revelation of what Endeavor’s done, that doesn’t equate to him defecting (especially not immediately) and falling into Dabi’s arms.

And Dabi hates Hawks just as much.

Again, this is not anything against the ship or the shippers - just an annoyance I have with some who were so wrapped up in the ship they were genuinely mad when the ship sank and they dragged that frustration out into the real world against real people when canon didn’t align with fanon. 

Ships are some of the most stupid things to rail against creators and fans over, and the amount of harassment they receive now over shipping has me ripping my hair out when I know it’s a mere fraction of the total pool of shippers who are frothing at the mouth while the rest are super cool and happy doing their own thing and keeping to themselves.

Ship what you want, regardless of “validating evidence” and have fun. Don’t make it others’ problem when it isn’t canonically validated.

#6 Hawks is a dirty cop.

Only half upset with this one because it comes down to the nuance and lack of precise definition of this phrase I have a problem with. Lots of people hate cops for very real, legitimate reasons. Police forces - being a voluntary, government-employed force enforcing government rule - are notoriously prone to corruption of every kind.

It's implied the HPSC is itself corrupt, though to what extent we don't know. (Granted, buying a young child from his family to raise as your personal puppet is pretty high up there.) By continuing to follow orders from the HPSC and not vehemently fighting back, many see him as reinforcing a corrupt institution and at least partially liable for their continued hold on society. 

Fair enough, but... The issue I have with this is it reduces Hawks to his job.

I believe a huge chunk of this take comes from my experience as an armed service member spouse, but it's easy for me to empathize with a guy

Who was promised the moon for himself and his family in exchange for his service not realizing what was actually being asked of him

Is praised outside the organization for "being a hero" and "upholding this country's core values" while first-hand witnessing the corruption of it when inside

Is viewed as a cog valuable only in services rendered instead of being treated like a human by said organization and worked into the ground because of it

Is frustrated by the insistence to keep the status quo instead of improving procedure/infrastructure/environment because egos need to be padded over real, human problems being solved

Has his autonomy or otherwise ability to operate under his own judgement restricted in favor of maintaining organizational control at the cost of effective action

Has DEPENDENTS who rely on his continued work to provide for them and is thus unable to refuse an order, even when it's morally reprehensible and even outright illegal

Whose cries, both those calculated and desperate, to the organization (who have placed themselves as the sole resource he can turn to) for help (even for his own body/mind) fall on deaf ears until he breaks to the point of becoming unusable or dangerous - and even then minimal effort/responsibility is taken in favor of keeping him functioning in the organization as long as possible.

Hawks fights back against the HPSC constantly. He raised concerns over letting civilians suffer to get him in with the League of Villains and then still defied orders by reducing casualties to zero. Despite orders to keep his mission top secret, he's informed Endeavor of his motives/movements independently from the rest of the heroes. He had long refused to take an intern (read: fresh meat for the machine) to train until this year, and even then sought to minimize his encouragement of Tokoyami for as long as possible until he realized Tokoyami was made of the real mettle people needed in a hero and not just another youngster endangering himself on a pipe dream.

He even takes initiative to keep his personal to-do list from the HPSC to a minimum by squashing problems before they come knocking asking him to fix it for them. He knew of the League of Villains and anticipated the escalation of their movements immediately after the USJ incident as well as has a network of informants and connections with local police forces to stay in the know.

His methods for apprehension of criminals are, and continue to be, to react and detain them so quickly they can't retaliate or endanger others in the struggle, thus minimizing human loss and injury despite the insinuation the HPSC has told him that gloves are off in the current situation.

He might be "a cop" depending on the definition we go with, but he isn't a dirty cop. He doesn't plant evidence. He doesn't shoot first and ask questions later. He doesn't blindly take orders. He largely doesn't see "villains" as dirt under his shoe but as people pushed to extremes. He's a morally convicted individual trying to rebel within the system instead of tearing it down outright. He may be wrong in the assumption, but he genuinely believes he can do more on the inside of the system than outside.

#7 Hawks is a manwhore.

Ok, this one is not serious and actually just to end this all on a lighter note after ranting until I'm blue in the face. 

I'm 100% guilty of this myself. Something about that chicken makes me and many others salivate - either for themselves or to watch him with someone else. We love dressing him up slutty, portray him as flirting unashamedly, and placing him in as many overtly sexual scenarios possible.

The best part about all of it, though, is that it’s almost the exact opposite of how he dresses/conducts himself in canon. His clothes are loose fitting and high-coverage. He’s personable, but never gives any indication he’s romantically/sexually involved or interested in anyone. The asscourse is real only because we cannot confirm either way due to his baggy clothes. His overall figure/body shape has been hinted at, but only recently confirmed; and his jacket had to be literally be burned off to get a good look at the pattern of his shirt under it!

~~~~~~~

And with that, I release the frustration and move on. 

Enjoy fanon as much as you like - even I do! Just be aware of where canon and fanon diverge, and definitely don’t take the difference out on real people. Please also be aware of how others hold their favorite characters dear before flooding the general tags with negativity and creating a hostile environment for them. People latch onto their “comfort characters” for a plethora of reasons, and when they lose that character to the plot, the fandom, or otherwise, they should still be allowed to grieve and celebrate what they had in a safe environment. 

Retaliation in response to others coming against your favorite is also not acceptable behavior. It sucks, but the most mature thing to do is step away from the general fandom, stick to blogs/spaces you know are safe, and let the storm blow over. Comfort characters do not justify mistreating real people no matter how much they may mean to you.

When “canon gets it wrong” is where fanfiction and pockets of the fandom community comes into play. Leave those people alone and let them be. For those who aligned themselves with canon, they are not free game to take personal frustrations out on. Leave those people alone and let them be. Unfollow the people/tags you need to for your own sake and others’, and the fandom will be a better place all around over time. Venting belongs in controlled spaces away from the rest of the fandom and with enough warning for those who not only don’t want to endure it but who for their own safety shouldn’t.

Fandom is a community, and healthy communities do not endorse members lashing out when they don’t get their way.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

The lonliness of Eddie Brock

I’ve said in the past that Venom: Lethal Protector provided a not so great origin story for Eddie Brock regarding his father. I’ve also dived deep into Brock’s presentation in ASM #300 to talk about how it’s a lot better than people think.

But today something clicked and I’m going to try and present a take upon the character that uses his original origin in Lethal Protector and in ASM #300.

Before I start though, I’ll never concede that the origin given to Brock in lethal Protector wasn’t designed to make him sympathetic and jive with readers as an anti-hero. If you read that at face value and as intended, it doesn’t really line up with who Brock was in ASM #300, wherein he was clearly evil.

With that said let’s provide some context. 

So in ASM #300, Brock details his origin. He was a reporter for the Daily Globe and (according to him anyway) a respected one at that. One day he was contacted by Emil Gregg, man of faith (who like Brock seemed to be Catholic) who claimed to be the then recent religiously motivated serial killer known as the Sin-Eater.

In reality, Gregg was a mentally ill person who had the misfortune of living next door to the real Sin-Eater, Stan Carter. Carter recorded a voice journal and so when Gregg heard Carter through his bedroom wall he believed the ‘voices’ to be inside his head, becoming convinced that HE was in fact the real Sin-Eater.

Gregg confessed his believed guilt to Brock who wrote up a sympathetic article (or maybe more) which became incredibly attention grabbing. Initially refusing to give his source Brock eventually became pressured into doing so, writing a sensational article unveiling ‘the truth’. Mere hours later though the real Sin-Eater was apprehended by Spider-Man leading Brock to be fired and reduced to eking out a meagre lonely living by writing ‘venomous’ articles about scandals, alien abductions, etc, for rag publications.

Brock blamed Spider-Man for his misfortune and whilst obsessively exercising to relieve his stress, he envisioned murdering the wall-crawler. Things got so bad for Brock he seriously considered suicide, but his Catholic upbringing meant he couldn’t go through with it. Instead he prayed for salvation in a church, coincidentally the very same church that a while before Spider-Man had rid himself of the alien symbiote that had been his black costume. The symbiote sensed Brock’s feelings, and bonded with him. To Brock this was a form of salvation and the two became Venom, dedicated to avenging themselves on Spider-Man.

Much later, after several encounters with Venom, Peter Parker encountered Brock’s ex-wife Ann Weying who elaborated further on Brock’s life. As she explains it Brock worked so hard to be a star reporter because his father, Carl Brock, seemed to have little use for him. When Brock’s career blew up it was the final nail in his already bad relationship with his father. Ann claims that this in turn drove Brock to madness. They divorced after that.

We get similar, yet deeper information in Venom Lethal Protector #3, when Carl Brock’s elderly housekeeper relays the story of Brock’s life. As she tells the story, Carl Brock was an already emotionally repressed man, but his wife (Jamie) was his world. When Jamie died giving birth to Eddie whatever ability to love existed within Carl died. Thus young Eddie Brock grew up with no affection and little attention from his father.

This drove Eddie to excel in education and sports but each achievement failed to garner the affection and attention he craved from his father. His quest for his father’s love led to him becoming a crusading reporter. But even  when his sensational Sin Eater articles were being published, his father gave him little attention. Then when Gregg was exposed as fake, that ended Eddie’s relationship with his father altogether.

ASM #375 and Lethal Protector definitely frame the story with the intent of garnering sympathy for Brock, of trying to make you LIKE him. This makes sense as both were laying the foundation for Venom’s solo-stories where he was to be an anti-hero.

In this sense they seriously contradict the decidedly unsympathetic backstory given to Brock in ASM #300, where e is framed as a clear cut villain.

I’ve come around to the idea though that whilst there is 100% a cognitive dissonance between the framing of the two stories, they don’t actually contradict one another in the details.

That is to say nothing established in ASM #300 makes the events of ASM #375 and LP #3 impossible.

More importantly those events can I think be viewed as better explaining just Brock’s actions as relayed by ASM #300, and of Venom in general.

The stories already make it clear the defining motivation for Brock before he became Venom was all about his father. He was fruitlessly chasing his father’s affections and had grown up totally devoid of them.

On the one hand, when you are the child of a single parent and that single parent, whilst providing for you, is nevertheless neglecting you, it’s likely to screw up anyone.

But for Brock he practically hinged his whole career path on something that would impress his father. This is an idea expanded upon in Venom: Dark Origin #1 when Eddie’s father suggests he be a reporter expresses respect towards seeking the truth.*

The stories do not confirm this but, does it not make an awful lot sense that Brock’s desire for affection is what led to his actions with Emil Gregg?

Brock was highly unethical in protecting Gregg if he believed him to truly be the Sin Eater and his lack of fact checking was just plain sloppy.

But in the context of his relationship with his father it makes a lot of sense.

Gregg’s confessions were obviously going to be attention grabbing (especially if he wrote sympathetically of him) and his role in apprehending him would (in his mind) have earned his father’s affections. Additionally, it’s not uncommon for people in Brock’s situation to desire attention generally as well as from specific individuals so the Sin Eater story was great fuel for Brock’s self-esteem regardless.

It’s not hard to believe he was in fact so emotionally desperate for attention and affection he didn’t care about ignoring ethics or common sense practices.

If he was that desperate, his descent into madness also makes a lot of sense.

He wanted affectionate attention, and he wanted it specifically from his father.

But his actions resulted in him being isolated from the career he liked, reduced to work that garnered little-no attention/affection** and forever ended any hope of getting what he wanted from his father.

Then on top of that he lost his wife. Divorce is often a horrible experience in general, but when you are already at that low point it’d hit all the harder. And harder still if you are someone who’s grown up neglected and lonely, craving affection.

It’s easy to argue Brock’s fixation upon Spider-Man was simply a mental reflex against the hard fact that he’d so thoroughly ruined his own life. That his actions forever destroyed any hope he had of getting the one thing he wanted, and then also wrecked the other good things he did have.

But why Spider-Man particularly?

I think this again comes back to the issue of being attention grabbing.

Brock WANTED to be noticed, and more than this loved.

Spider-Man might have had a questionable public reputation but he was undeniably attention grabbing, he was frequently in the news (the field Brock used to be a part of and loved) and unless Brock cut himself off from all news sources, it’d had been impossible for him to avoid seeing Spider-Man.

Not only would this have reminded him of his own downfall (much as seeing Daredevil would have, as he was also involved in bringing in Carter) but there might’ve been resentment over the fact that Spider-Man was getting so much attention now he Brock was getting next to none.

Compounding things is the fact that Spider-Man wasn’t universally hated, he was talked about as being a hero. I think that’s why in the above pages from ASM #300 there is that scene where Spider-Man’s on the TV with the word ‘hero’ under it and a clearly unhappy Brock in the room. 

Spidey was getting attention and some affection from thousands or millions of people whilst Brock was getting none.

This resentment might’ve then grown into a hatred, a hatred Brock rationalized as the result of Spidey being responsible for ruining him, an appealing lie to tell himself and it absolves him of all blame.*** Also Brock’s religious background might also have fuelled his delusions. He was accustomed to taking things ‘on faith’ and ignoring contradictions to arrive at a truth he was comfortable with. Thus knowing the facts (that he ruined himself) became easy for his fragile mind to reframe as ‘I made a mistake but Spider-Man is at fault’.

Finally, growing up without a mother and little affection/attention from his father would naturally mean Brock had a certain sense of loneliness ingrained into him. This would’ve been seriously exacerbated when Ann left.

This can then explain the kinship he felt with the symbiote and the deep emotional bond they forged.

The symbiote is a life form who literally relies upon being with others. Loneliness will eventually kill it. And like Brock it craved affection, which rendered it a pariah amongst it’s own kind. Thus like Brock in the field of journalism, the symbiote was cast out for ‘unethical practices’ if you will. And like Brock it had recently been rejected by someone it loved and wanted to be with. For Brock that was Ann and Carl, for the symbiote it was Spider-Man/Peter Parker.

In one another they found kindred spirits. Two lonely wayward individuals, desperate for affection, but rejected by specific individuals they craved it from and by ‘their people’ more generally. Their health falling apart as a result of these circumstances they found a form of toxic salvation in one another.

I’ll be honest, I still don’t like Venom’s 1990s origin or Donny Cates’ new one for him. I stand firm that Venom should be a villain and his origin geared towards that end.

But I will say that I’ve now grown an appreciation of Lethal Protector’s take. I think it does develop the character and make him deeper, just not necessarily in a great direction.

*Dark Origin is a story that overwrites and contradicts older Venom stories but also plays with many concepts from them. As such, it’s at least food for thought going forward.

**Although ironically they were designed with that intent as they were scandal rags. Maybe ‘attention’ was a baked in theme for Brock’s character?

***Let’s also consider that as a journalist spinning a certain story would come naturally to Brock.

[fal-carrington]

Just The Two Of Us Pt.7

Pairing: Kamilah x Mc x Adrian

Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6

Prompt: After the last night fighting against Gaius, before his fall, he puts his plan into execution, changing the lives of Adrian, Kamilah and Mia forever. Friendships may end, a heart may be broken and a new love may arise. In the end who will win the girl's heart? 

Tag List: @gavryllo @spacecarrousel @scarlet-letter-a0114 @zoe6111 @ilovekamilahsayeed @delphinusbae @galaxyside-0 @thecleveridiot09 @rocket-scientist07 @shanuuh @sleeping-with-her06 @rubyheartjane @pizzapyjamas @deereboy97 @jellymonster @justejuste727 @thepotatobleh @iam-the-fuckin-queen @ilovetaylor13m @incorrectbloodboundquotes @whoinvitedalx @bucket-harrington @soundtrackforlife @desiree-0816 @sunsaint @tigerbryn11 @zerozone-80 @jen825

“Mia, come on. It's not that bad,” Lily said as she ran her hand through the girl's golden hair — Which the girl’s head was buried in her best friend's lap. "It's gonna be okay. Everything works out in the end.” Lily said trying to be optimistic.

Mia didn't answer, the girl was crying softly, sobbing for minutes since they both arrived at Mia's and Kamilah's penthouse. It was around midnight when they both got home, Kamilah was not there, the only thing Lily could hear from the big apartment was the blonde's cries.

“Hey, don't be like this. You know I hate to see you cry, it's not the end of the world.” Lily tried to cheer up her friend.

“How is it not ?! Tell me Lily… In what possible situation is this a good thing ?!” Mia lifted her head, hot tears streaming down the girl's face. “I'm twenty-three and I'm pregnant! Pregnant with an unplanned child, this was not supposed to happen! I'm still trying to believe that this is real, that this is happening to me, like Kamilah and I... Oh god.”

"But happened! Somehow, some way, Mia whining won't help anything!” Lily held her best friend's hands, wiping a tear that was running down. “If you were still in our previous situation, sharing an apartment and living on an assistant's salary, that would be a much bigger problem. You were bankrupt. But now... My God, you are expecting a child of not anyone, you are expecting a child of Kamilah. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen, Cleopatra's cousin, the biggest rich CEO we know! Your kid has royal blood.”

"You're not helping, Lily!" Mia stood, shaking her head in denial.

“Hey, I know it's a lot to assimilate. This is great news for all of us. I mean, I'll be aunt! Can I be the godmother ?!”

"Lily!"

"What? I can dream, can't I ?!”

“Lily, do you know the size of the problem I got myself into ?! This is much bigger than any other confusion. Do you have any idea what will happen when Adrian finds out I'm pregnant ?! Kamilah and he were almost at each other's throats at the gala party! Imagine what will happen when he knows!” Mia exasperated ran a hand through blonde hair.

“Yeah, when you put it that way the situation seems to be even worse than I thought.” Lily said contemplative.

“ What I’m going to tell Kamilah? Like, hey, what’s up? I know we haven't been talking about feelings during these months, but guess what? I’m pregnant with your child!” Mia laughed with irony, just thinking about her reaction. “Kamilah can't even tolerate children’s! She won't want this child, I know that!”

“You know you'll eventually have to tell her, don't you? I mean, you can’t hide for so long. If you both decided to keep the baby. One hour the belly will start to grow, and—” Lily was interrupted by the girl's sobs, which collapsed on the couch again, hiding her face in a pillow. “Mia, you don’t have to decide what to do now. Take your time to think.” She stroked her friend's back affectionately.

"I thought you were taking your pills, you were always so right with your medication." Lily asked confused.

“I stopped after the wedding, because you know, I wouldn't have the slightest chance to get pregnant. And almost a year later, look what happened!”

"Yup. Kamilah did knock you up, didn’t she? How many times do you guys...?"

"Almost every day, I mean... She comes home late from work, and there's all this tension between us, and when I see it, we're already doing it." Mia paced restlessly. “Kamilah is so older than me, and she’s so experienced, when we're together everything is so wonderful, so fucking good.” Mia shook her head, her mind wandering between all the nights she spent with Kamilah. “She'll think I cheated on her! She'll think I've been sleeping with anyone else, she'll ask for the divorce and kick me out of the house! ”

"Hey, hey. This won't happen, okay? Kamilah is not stupid to let you out of her life.” Lily touched the blonde's hair. “You have as much time as you want, but remember that Kamilah must know. This child is hers also, she has the right to know, Mia. Regardless of what you both decide to do. I'm on your side, for whatever happens.”

Kamilah and Mia’s penthouse, 20:45 pm

Sick. Nauseous. Sad.

9 weeks of pregnancy.

Apart from her tiredness, discouragement and aching breasts, she tried to keep up with the rest of her commitments. It was how Mia felt most of the day. And of course, every day the idea that sooner or later, she would have to tell Kamilah, the truth. Her belly was a little swollen, but Kamilah was too busy to even notice.

Most of the time she tried to avoid her wife, of course Kamilah being Kamilah, it was only a matter of time before she noticed something was wrong. Terribly wrong. Unfortunately Mia hadn’t found the courage to tell her and for her luck, Kamilah was being extremely busy these days to notice that something was wrong and she was barely staying at home to have a proper conversation.

But that one night, Kamilah had arrived early from work with the intention of taking a shower at home and then returning to work for an important meeting, ruining Mia's plans to avoid her at night. Kamilah was nervous and angry, apparently her clients were giving her a hard time than usual and that made the CEO grumpy.

“Tell them to wait, Karen. Keep them busy, I'm on my way. I'll be there in forty-five minutes.” Mia heard Kamilah's voice echo through the closet, the girl rolled her eyes, hearing Kamilah hang up the phone and cursing softly to herself.

The girl turned her attention to her notebook on her lap as she finished another of her college articles. It turns out that being married to an influential CEO had its advantages, one of which was studying at a prestigious university with a higher tuition than she could ever afford by herself. Mia caressed her belly absently, something that now during her pregnancy had become a habit. Lily's voice rang in her mind, her words echoing, Mia remembered the afternoon they went to a coffee shop.

"I know this decision isn't mine, it belongs to you two, and I know you think you’re not ready or that Kamilah wouldn’t want the baby. But I'd be happy.” The vampire smirked. “There's a little Kamilah inside you and girl, I hope for this child has her hair.”

“Mia.” Kamilah's authoritative voice brought her back to reality.

“Uh?” She looked up at the CEO, who was standing in front of the bed with her hands on her hips. Immediately the girl's face turned red when she saw that image in front of her. Kamilah's tanned skin was wet, her brown hair flung over her shoulders, she wore a set of panties and bra that perfectly valued that damn body.

“I asked you if you saw my wine blouse, she was supposed to be in the closet, but she isn't. And I can't be late for my meeting.” Kamilah said angrily, it was usual for her to stay that way when an important meeting was scheduled for the month. Mia sighed.

“You have so many social shirts. What is the difference between this shirt to the others? Did you look right?” The girl narrowed her green eyes.

“If I hadn't searched properly, I probably wouldn't have been asking where it is.” Kamilah took a deep, impatient breath. "Maria always send them to the laundry, and you always know when our clothes arrive." Mia rolled her eyes and got out of bed, and went into the closet to look.

"Here it is. See, how you don’t know how to look for things?” She handed Kamilah the perfectly, clean, wine blouse. Kamilah growled, wearing her shirt and buttoning the buttons in a hurry. "Wait, let me do that, you'll end up messing with the buttons like this." Mia said, approaching and buttoning. Kamilah studied her closely, the girl's delicate features down to her intense green eyes.

"Stop being so cranky," Mia said softly.

“You have no idea what's at stake, my company could lose a millionaire contract if I can't close the deal.” Kamilah snapped.

"Why not try to reconcile instead of showing the advantages one company can provide to another?" Mia said patiently.

“That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.” Kamilah rolled her eyes. "That's not how the corporate world works, Mia."

"Or you can complain about it, exactly how you’re doing right now and ignore me like you've been doing for weeks." Mia pulled away.

“What?” Kamilah stopped to look at her.

"Nothing. Forget it.” Mia said walking away. “You only care about your stupid company, anyway.” That was the hormones speaking for her and making her extremely vulnerable and emotional. Kamilah stared at her without understanding.

“How can you say that ?! I've spent a century building this company from scratch!” Kamilah said, anger returning and red eyes showing.

“And I'm your wife!” Mia turned around, screaming with a red face, tears streaming down. “But you don't give a damn about me! And I'm sick of it, I'm sick of you, sick of this stupid fight with Adrian! It’s years of my life, Kamilah! I'm paying for your mistakes! I had absolutely nothing to do with it and yet, Gaius managed to ruin my life!” Yup, she was definitely emotional.

"Do you think I wanted to get married ?! Do you think it was just your life which was ruined?!" Kamilah shouted back, laughing sarcastically, her fangs showing. "I never wanted! I never wanted to get stuck in a marriage to a girl who acts like an irresponsible teenager!”

"Then why don't you ask for the divorce? I will be happy to oblige!" Mia shouted. She didn't mean that, not really. But the emotional instability of the moment made her want to. That made Kamilah back away, looking at the girl with wide eyes, open mouth, speechless.

“Mia—”

“I can't live like this! Years stuck in this fake marriage, this is my life Kamilah, and I'm not ready to be a mother, and neither are you!” She pointed a finger at Kamilah's chest, pouring out the truth without even realizing it.

"Excuse me? What in the hell? ” Kamilah asked without understanding, it made the girl fall to her senses.

"Forget what I said." Mia backed away, stammering, with red cheeks. The time seemed to have stopped. Kamilah looked at her, a confused expression on her face, she sought answers from the girl, who kept her eyes on the floor. “I didn't mean it!” Mia shook her head tears escaping from her face. "Doesn’t matter what I said!"

“You said you weren't ready to be a mother.” Kamilah repeated the sentence with a squint of misunderstanding. "Why would you say something like that if it didn't matter ?! Why you wouldn’t be ready to be...?"

This was not a good time. Kamilah was angry, but maybe there wasn't another soon, at some point she would probably have to travel to another corner of the world for a business trip and it would be too late or... She would ask for the divorce.

"I need to talk to you. Something happened.” Mia said quietly. "It's very important. I've already waited too long.” The blonde's eyes filled with tears. Kamilah didn’t said anything, she was just staring at the girl in silence, completely speechless.

“...I'm pregnant.” Those words wandered sharply in the air, and suddenly the silence returned as never before.

The CEO eyes widened, her brows furrowed, her lips parted. An unrecognizable expression on her face, the blonde moistened her lips and hugged herself, hoping for anything to come next. One minute, two minutes. Both exchanging glances, Kamilah was not breathing. She looked like a living statue staring at the mesmerized girl. What she didn’t know was that deeply, Kamilah knew the risks she had taken, even knowing the consequences. She noticed the vulnerable look of the girl, and how fragile she looked.

2000 years surviving, 2000 years of wars and blood, deaths also Gaius. 2000 years knowing that her family was dead and she would never have them back. Centuries grieving and fighting. She had made peace with that feeling. But what she never expected for that happen. She spend years punishing herself for all the horrible things she had made in her past, thinking that she didn’t deserved to be happy, and now... She was going to be a mother.

"Say something!" Mia said exasperated.

“Are you sure?” Were the only words that escaped Kamilah's lips.

“Yeah! I was feeling a little dizzy and nauseous at first, it was little but I hardly bothered. Then it got stronger, I didn't know what to do, Lily made me get a pregnancy test and then we went for a blood test.” Mia went to find the paper and handed it to the CEO. Kamilah read it silently, after two minutes with eyes fixed on the document, she looked at the girl firmly.

"That's impossible!" Mia paced impatiently. “There is no way this is true! Genetically speaking— ” She kept talking desperate, but Kamilah remained standing with her eyes fixed on the girl and the test in hand.

"This child is mine?" She asked quietly enough to make Mia stop.

“If it's yours ?! Well, I do not know! I've been sleeping with you for the last few months and only you! If this son is not yours, then I was fucked by a spirit or it is a blessing from the Holy Spirit!” The girl shouted. “I didn’t cheat on you with anyone! It's been you, and only you.” But then, the realization came into her eyes. "... What do you mean if this son is yours?"

Mia noticed Kamilah's look. She was hiding something, she could tell.

"Kamilah, what do you know, that I don't know ?!" The CEO straightened her stance, the serious, thoughtful look on her face returned, as if she were lost in thought. Before she could answer that question, the sound of Kamilah's cell phone vibrating interrupted both. Kamilah immediately answered the phone.

"What it is, Karen?" She asked impatiently. “What they’re doing? Are you sure about it? I understand, please tell them I'm coming.” Kamilah hung up the phone.

“Kamilah—”

"I need to go. If I do not arrive in twenty minutes the contract will be canceled. I can't miss this meeting.” She said wearing her clothes, in the blink of an eye, she was already spotless again.

“But Kamilah, we're talking—” Mia tried to say without understanding her wife's reaction. "We need to talk about this! You can't leave me now.”

“I know, we will talk about it. I promise. When I get home, alright?” Kamilah said, taking her overcoat and going to the door, leaving the girl alone.

Ahmanet Financial

“I’m pregnant.” Mia's voice echoed in Kamilah's head incessantly. The vampire kept her gaze fixed on the glass table, the voices of her company executives and guests, were just insignificant voices at the deep of her mind. A million things kept her mind spinning.

“There is a great possibility that a child will be born through it. Miranda could be expecting a biological son of yours, Kamilah...” Lord Elric's words surfaced in the CEO's mind like a punch in the middle of her stomach. She didn’t believed, she didn’t care. She acted by pure desire and now... Mia was pregnant.

The thought that she could never be a mother never tormented her. She was too busy fighting wars, bathing in innocent blood while at the time she believed in glory, too busy conquering her ideals to think about it. Until then it was impossible, but now... It had come true. And how could reality be so scary.

“What Adrian will think? Oh God. Adrian will never forgive me, I broke my promise. He will hate me for the rest of eternity.” Kamilah tried to imagine Adrian's face, and how it would desolate him. She had broken her best friend's heart the moment she decided to succumb to desire. And Mia... Like how just three hours ago, Mia was about to ask for the divorce before letting out she was pregnant.

“Is that what she wants? Getting away from me? What if when I get home she's gone? What I’m supposed to do?” the torturous thought haunted her. Kamilah had grown accustomed to living with the girl, liking the simple things Mia did for her — Even the small ones, were kind and affectionate gestures. Receiving affection after living centuries alone in reclusion was new to her. But it was amazing how Mia never did something expecting something in return.

She was really leaving her? Kamilah's fists clenched against the table, the fear, the doubt consuming her. Maybe she was so afraid of Mia's rejection that she probably couldn't accept her own feelings. She was with a child, her child.

“She is expecting a child of mine. A biological child, my blood, my heir. This child could be my redemption. What if she doesn't want to keep the baby? Mia was right, I'm not ready to be a mother, let alone her. We were reckless and irresponsible, and... We created a life. What if Mia wants the baby and the child do not like me? Who would want to have a mother whose soul is not capable of remission? ” The thought drifted through Kamilah's mind.

“Kamilah?” One of her executives called her. Taking her mind off her reverie, Kamilah looked up, gazing into the eyes of several executives in incredibly expensive suits, her executives and the executives of the company she was about to close the deal on awaiting her response.

 Damn it, Mia. Kamilah's mind was far from that meeting room at that moment. In fact, it was the last place she wanted to be now. The CEO hardly listened to any of the arguments of the company in which she was closing the deal.

“Sorry, what was the question?” Kamilah asked, oblivious.

"Mr Harrison asked how much the margin profit would be at the end of the semester, ma'am." Karen whispered so that only she could hear.

"Oh, of course." Kamilah straightened her suit. At that moment Mia's words came back to her mind and how the girl had suggested a conciliation instead. “Do you know what? Let's put that subject aside.” Kamilah leaned back in her leather chair.

“Excuse me, Kamilah?” Mr Harrison, her prospective investor raised an eyebrow.

“I know you and you know me. We are both excellent what we do. Tell me what you want, David, and I'll tell you what I want. Maybe we can come to a compromise instead of trying to get somewhere in this stupid fight for who was most power. So, do we have a deal or not?.” Kamilah said letting all the executives quiet through that direct negotiation.

...

“I want to propose a toast, to our brilliant CEO who increasingly leads us on the path to success and profit.” Steven, one of Kamilah's executives, raised a glass of champagne. “One more deal!”

Kamilah smiled with the glass in hand, lifting gracefully towards him and the others. Since the deal was closed, a small celebration with the company executives was happening. Kamilah sipped her champagne, her mind wandering and drawn to a certain stubborn blonde.

“Is everything okay, ma'am?” Karen approached and asked quietly. Kamilah stared at her for long seconds, her assistant's worried look showing sympathy. “Kamilah, you were physically present in the meeting, but mentally, you were elsewhere.” Kamilah opened her mouth to respond, trying to find the words to form a coherent sentence. "Did something happen to Mrs. Sayeed?" Karen asked referring to Mia.

"...I'm going to be a mother, Karen." Kamilah said with her eyes wide and distant. Karen was looking at her for some sign of jokes, but when she met Kamilah's serious eyes, she knew Kamilah wasn't joking around.

"What? I didn't know you both were wanting a baby.” She said politely.

"It was an accident." Kamilah confessed, smiling slightly when she saw the white expression on her assistant's face. “A very good accident. The baby is mine, a biological child.”

“So you both crossed the forbidden lines. I knew it was just a matter of time. This is amazing, congratulations, Kamilah." Karen smiled. Kamilah stared at her for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and heading for the center of the conference room.

“I would like your attention.” Kamilah said attracting the eyes of all of her executives who stopped to listen. “First, I have a pronouncement and a toast to make. As many of you know, I got married a year ago, which was a surprise to everyone, believe me, it was for me too.” She said attracting laughter, her gaze remained serious. "So, today, I am pleased to announce, that we are expecting our first child, I am going to be a mother very soon." Clapping and congratulations broke into the room, as playful comments. “That's why today I want to ask you all to raise your glasses, a toast to my son or daughter, the heir of my empire." She raised her glass and everyone did.

04h45am Kamilah and Mia’s penthouse

It was early in the morning when Kamilah arrived home, the sun would rise in a few hours when the elevator doors opened giving way to the CEO. Kamilah set her bag on the couch and walked into her bedroom, opening the door slightly, spotting Mia asleep buried in the covers. She couldn’t help, but feel the relief at seeing the girl. Kamilah took off her heels and her jacket. Going to the closet quietly and then to the bathroom.

She just needed one more thing to relax and sleep peacefully. Blood. The already robed CEO left her room and headed for the kitchen. Opening her personal fridge, and spotting several bags of blood. Mia raised her head, still sleepy. The girl spotted the kitchen light on the end of the hall, through the crack in the door. Kamilah was at home, she looked into her cell phone and saw that it was still dawn. Still a little dizzy, she rose from the bed and opened the bedroom door.

When she reached the kitchen, she spotted Kamilah, sitting on one of the stools in front of the counter, drinking a glass of red liquid. Even silently coming, Kamilah felt her presence.

"You should be sleeping." Kamilah commented turning to her and looking with warm eyes. Mia approached the CEO. “It’s not good for you to be awake at this time... Especially for the baby.”

“You left me without answering my question.” Mia crossed her arms, her gaze burning.

"Alright. I knew this could happen, that you could get pregnant." Kamilah admitted, making Mia's shoulders drop. “Adrian and I went after elf magic… And we found out about the possibility, blood magic made it real, I tried to avoid you in every way possible, but I couldn't.” Kamilah told her. “And when we started sleeping together, I couldn't stop anymore. Suddenly this just became a small possibility for me and I didn’t care anymore.”

"And you didn't tell me ?!" Mia shouted with tears in her eyes. "Did you expect to knock me up to throw this at me ?!"

“I didn't planned it Mia!” Kamilah ran a hand through her hair.

"Of course not!" Mia laughed pacing. “Do you ever wonder what Adrian will do when he finds out that you and I are expecting a baby ?! He will never look in my face again, and god only knows what will happen!”

“Mia—” Kamilah tried to approach the girl, who backed off.

“I am too young to be a mother! I can barely take care of myself, I can barely imagine a baby! You're too busy, and you don't even like childrens!” Tears streamed from her eyes, she passed the CEO and entered her room. "This is a nightmare." Mia said crying.

“How many weeks are you in?” Kamilah asked curiously.

“Nine weeks.”

“You've been pregnant for three months and you told me just now ?!” Kamilah raised her eyebrows.

"Do you really want to argue about not sharing things? This isn't happening, isn't it." Mia shook her head.

“Mia, we can talk about this.” Kamilah's eyes softened. "It's gonna be okay." The CEO sat next to her.

“No, no. It won't be alright! Why is everyone telling me this ?! My breasts hurts, I’m nauseous almost every day and all I want to do is cry! So don’t you dare to tell me that will be alright!” She shouted, making Kamilah blink as she saw her wife in chaos. “What my parents are going to think?”

“I didn't mean that I don’t wanted to be married and you're an irresponsible teenager." Kamilah said quietly. “You brought a big change to my life, you saved me, so please, don’t ask for the divorce.” Mia noticed the vulnerability in her brown eyes.

“I don’t want the divorce.” Mia said quietly in return. “I never wanted, Kamilah.” Kamilah let out the air she didn't know she was holding.

“I want him.” Kamilah said thoughtfully, making Mia look at her without understanding. “Doesn’t matter the gender, he or her. I want this child, Mia.”

“What?!” Kamilah noticed that she was pale, the flush on her cheeks was missing, her blond hair was messy, the CEO tried to ignore the urge to touch those cheeks and to look into those intense green eyes.

“I know this decision relies on both of us. It’s not only my choice, but also yours. And for the very first time, I’m hoping that both of us can agree on something.”

“Do you really want this?” Mia asked.

“More than anything. This baby is ours, we created a life, and we’re responsible for this child. I know we can manage to be good parents... Well, time will tell, but I have hope for us.” Mia approached the CEO hesitantly, Kamilah involuntarily spread her arms, pulling the blonde by the waist close to her and hugging against her body. Mia wrapped her arms around Kamilah's warm neck, sinking her face into it, smelling her familiar scent.

“Are you going to keep the baby?” Kamilah stroked her blond hair, Mia cried softly, sobbing, hiding her face against Kamilah's nightgown, within seconds the fabric was already wet, but the CEO didn't care, a smile grew on her lips, the idea that Mia was waiting a child of her own was too incredible for her to assimilate so quickly.

“Yes. I want the baby too. I’m just so scared, this is so new for me, but... It’s us. Perhaps you’re right and we can do this. I'm sorry for your nightgown—" Mia stepped away touching the damp fabric.

"Doesn't matter." Kamilah said softly wiping the tears from the girl's face. A big flawless and bright smile on her face. “I’m so happy. I know this is scary, believe me, I'm scared too. But, Mia, I spent too many years alone, more than you could imagine. The idea of ​​having children never crossed my mind, I believe I was too busy in wars when I was mortal to think about such things. But then, I lost my family, I lost my brother. And when I was turned, I missed this chance for good.” She sighed shaking her head. “And then you came along and now... We are going to have a baby.” She laughed softly, hesitating, Kamilah touched lightly on Mia’s belly and her smile widened.

“Kamilah...” Mia stammered with red cheeks. She didn’t know what to say, there was still tears in her eyes and now that Kamilah poured her heart out, she felt like she could cry all night long.

“Our baby is a blessing.” Kamilah touched Mia’s cheeks with both hands looking straight into her eyes. Her eyes were certain, passionate and happy.

One month later

“Holy shit! That hurts!” Mia tried to keep her tone low, holding tightly to Kamilah's desk.

“Well, while we were doing it, you didn't complain.” Kamilah smiled quietly as she applied a dose of gestational vitamins that Mia's doctor had prescribed.

“And neither do you.” Mia snapped and moaned softly as Kamilah pulled the needle out. "My butt is burning like hell." She said pulling up her jeans.

“Have I already said how attractive you look while you curse?” Kamilah smiled, leaving a kiss on her wife's cheek. The blonde's cheeks burned at the compliment. “When's the ultrasound?” Kamilah asked, touching Mia's belly lightly.

“I booked for friday. Dr Carson said he could only be there at 19h30pm, I’m so sorry, I know you have this meeting that you can’t lose and how much you wanted to be there to see the sex of the baby.” Mia touched Kamilah's hand on her belly.

"That’s alright. You can go with Lily, and when you arrive you can tell me how it went.” Kamilah shook her head, trying not to show how upset she was about that situation. Her first child and she wouldn't be there. Damn it, if she haven’t that important meeting... "And yet, I still believe it's a girl." Kamilah said with a bright smile on her face.

"How are you so sure?" Mia laughed.

"I just feel it." Kamilah said with her eyes locked on her wife's belly. “I have a surprise for you.”

“What it is?” Mia’s eyes shined curiously.

“That’s a subject for later.” Kamilah smiled seeing the frustration on her wife’s eyes.

At the same instant the doors of Kamilah's office opened, revealing the last person they could both expect at that moment. Adrian.

"Kamilah, I know I promised to postpone our meeting, but..." He stopped when he saw both. "Mia." His eyes lit up when he saw the girl.

“Adrian.” The girl's young face flushed quickly, Kamilah watched the exchange of glances between the two before standing up.

"Adrian, what's the point of the visit?" She asked casually. But, Adrian didn't answer, his eyes were focused on the girl.

"How are you? It's been so long since we last spoke. ”

"I know. I've been very busy, I'm sorry.” Mia replied with flushed cheeks.

"No problem, I hear you're back in college, that's amazing." He tried to smile, but the smile faded as his eyes lowered and he noticed her belly. "What... what is it?" He pointed at Mia's belly, which she instantly touched her involuntarily.

“Adrian.” Mia and Kamilah exchanged silent looks. Mia opened her mouth trying to start the conversation in a calm and civilized way. “Kamilah and I have something to tell you, it was something that happened so suddenly, but at the same time it was the best thing that could have happened. I'm four months pregnant.” Mia bit her lower lip looking at Adrian, noting how his shocked expression turned to hate in seconds. An accusing look came to his face, going straight to Kamilah.

“How could you ?! How could you do this to me after all these years ?! You should be my best friend, my confidant, my sister, and yet you preferred to betray me” He pointed a finger at her, Kamilah took a deep breath trying to stay calm.

“Adrian—”

"This can only be a joke, please tell me you're joking with my face!"

"This is not a joke, Adrian." Kamilah said seriously, a dark look forming on her face. “I know how you must be feeling now, I've been blaming myself for months for being married to your ex girlfriend, but a moment between us happened, and—”

“You knew what would happen and yet did you Kamilah! I will never, never forgive you for that!” He shouted. “You broke your promise! You promised you wouldn't touch a finger on her! You traitor.” He paced with a deadly look at her, his eyes blazing bright red.

“Adrian!” Mia raised her voice, making him stop. "Please stop."

"Okay. It was only one night, we can fix it.” He took a deep breath, ran a hand through his hair. Kamilah and Mia exchanged glances.

"Adrian..." Mia tried to approach, Kamilah looked at her warily, but she ignored her. “It wasn't just one night. It was consensual, Kamilah didn't force me on anything. We are adults, married and we both wanted.”

"So you both betrayed my confidence ?!"

"She's my wife!" Mia shouted. "What should I do?! Not sleep with her ?! We live in the same house, we sleep in the same bed every day!”

Adrian shook his head angrily, when Mia realized, he was already on the other side of Kamilah's office, both inches from each other, exchanging predatory glances, fangs exposed, ready to attack each other. Maybe it was the stupidest thing she'd ever done, but the girl didn't hesitate to step in front of them.

"Get out of the way, Mia," Adrian growled angrily.

“Want to come after me, brother? Do you really think you're capable ?!” Kamilah snapped.

"Stop!" She shouted and they both looked at her. “Can't you see that this is what Gaius wanted ?! You are brothers for god's sake! Are you both really going to destroy this for me ?! ”

"Yes." The two said in unison without hesitation, leaving the girl breathless.

"I won't let you guys do that." Mia said firmly. "Adrian." She turned to her old love. Tears escaped the girl's eyes. “I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I don't regret what I did. Kamilah gave me something to fight for, a child, my first child. She is more than just my wife now. I can't let you get hurt, or she get hurt.” Her words made Adrian's anger increase, and the hatred in Kamilah's expression faded, was she hearing a declaration of love from Mia for the first time?

“What did you do, Kamilah ?!” Adrian's angry look turned to Mia's belly.

“Don't even think about it.” In a second Kamilah's hand gripped his wrist before he could even touch Mia's belly. “I won’t let you hurt her or my child. Is that what you call love ?! You are making her cry, you are making her suffer, is that what you want, Adrian ?! ”

Adrian for the first time looked into the girl's green eyes, red from crying and backed away. Leaving the office almost immediately.

A week later

"I'm glad you're here." Mia said with a faint smile when her eyes met Adrian's in the elevator. Adrian looked around for signs that Kamilah was in the penthouse. “She's not here, is just me. Please come in. I made some tea.” Mia made room for him to come in and the CEO made it.

Adrian had called asking them both to meet to talk. What was a surprise to the girl, knowing that Kamilah would be in a long meeting that Wednesday, she invited him to her house.

“How's college?” Adrian sat on the spacious, comfortable leather couch, Mia handed her a mug of boiling liquid.

“Oh you know, it's great. I can still go to class, my counselor will come visit me on days when I'm at rest.” Mia said sitting in the armchair in front of Adrian, sipping her tea.

“I didn't like how we left things. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you.” The CEO's blue eyes lingered on her belly, noticing how the girl caressed her belly fondly.

"I know, me too. You're very important to me, Adrian.” Mia gave her a loving smile, it made the CEO's heart skip out of his chest. Even knowing she was pregnant, pregnant with a child that wasn't his own. That should be.

“This… this should be us. Our house, our kid, our life. Damn Gaius.” Adrian's fist clenched against his knee. Mia noticed the faint streaks of red in his eyes.

“I think things happened for a reason. Maybe... Maybe it was meant to be. I'm tired of fighting the past.” Mia shook her head, pulling her fleece blanket closer to her belly.

“Don't worry, I found the solution. A solution that would be best for all of us involved.” Adrian said, attracting a curious look from the girl.

"What... solution?" She asked uncertainly.

“My team and I have been developing a pill. A pill with exceptional characteristics that would solve all that.” A warm smile forming on his face. "I know how difficult this situation is for all of us, you are extremely young, you have been trapped in a loveless marriage, connected to someone you do not love, who may not be able to return your love."

“Adrian—”

“You're not ready to be a mother, Mia. I know you think you are, and that gives you a false sense of momentary happiness, but believe me, I already had a child, and I know how it is. It is a great responsibility to take care of an extremely fragile life. You're not ready to wake up every night, to take care of a child. Much less Kamilah, who is also deluded. She has no time to raise a child, she will leave you alone taking care, while she is busy with her chores. You know I'm telling the truth.”

Mia opened her mouth uncertain what to say in response, tears welling in the corner of her eyes.

“This pill will prevent that from happening. I love you, and I love Kamilah, she's my sister, but I'm sorry you're not ready for that.” He said pulling a small vial out of his pocket with a bull.

"This is not your decision! Do you want me to abort ?!" Mia asked speechless.

"You know that's the only way." Adrian said.

Raines Corp

It was late when an angry Kamilah came through the doors of Raines Corp, her heels hitting the ground like the clock of death approaching. Her fists clenched, her eyes red, anger completely overpowering her senses.

“Mrs Sayeed? I didn't know you had an appointment and—” Adrian's assistant fell silent at the deadly look Kamilah shot her before slamming into Adrian's office, slamming the door so hard behind her that it made him jump from his seat.

“Kamilah, what do you think you are doing—” Adrian rose from his chair, staring at the vampire without understanding. Kamilah took the flask out of her jacket and threw it against the wall so hard that a hole formed.

“How could you do this to me, Adrian ?! How could you come into my house and deliver an abortion pill in my wife's hands ?!” she shouted.

"I just did what I thought was best for her." Adrian said quietly.

“You only did what was best for you!” Kamilah pointed an accusing finger at him. Adrian laughed sarcastically.

“Look who's talking! The person who betrayed on me! My sister who slept and got pregnant the love of my life! You broke your promise!” He shouted back. “I don't regret anything I did! I did right for the woman I love!”

“Get over it.” Kamilah paced around trying to control herself not to advance Adrian. “What you did was the greatest act of cowardice I've ever seen in my life! You went behind my back and acted so selfishly—”

“Am I selfish ?! It was YOU who got Mia pregnant, she belongs to me, her place is with me—”

"No. She's NOT yours!” Kamilah shouted with hatred. "She is mine! My wife, my child's mother, she doesn't belong to you!”

“Kamilah, how can you—” Adrian shook his head in disgust.

“BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” Kamilah admitted causing Adrian to widen his eyes. “I love her, ardently.” Kamilah's confession made him hurl a glass closely to her.

“You know perfectly well she's not ready to be a mother, and you're trying to fool yourself into thinking this is going to work! I did my best for her, the pill would solve this whole situation, that's a mistake!” Adrian screamed back.

"MY CHILD IS NOT A MISTAKE!" She shouted. It made something break inside her, Kamilah's blood boiling, the veins in her neck throbbing with anger.

"You really want this kid." Adrian concluded watching Kamilah's deadly look.

"Of course I want. Mia gave me a child, an heir, heir to my empire, my child will be the continuation of the Ptolemaic dynasty. Proof that our family has not been decimated.” Kamilah took a deep breath, mentally counting to ten, she sighed and straightened her suit. "Think about what I told you, and if your idea changes by then, I'd love for you to be the godfather, my offer will be up." She took her coat and took it. Leaving Adrian alone with his thoughts.

Friday, 19:30 pm

"Oh my god, I'm so excited and I'm not even pregnant!" Lily said excitedly, almost jumping in her seat next to Mia in the waiting room. Mia gave her a smile in response, flipping through her magazine, Lily's excitement was contagious.

“I'm feeling so bad for Kamilah, it's such an important moment in our lives, and she won't be able to be present.” Mia shook her head with a sad smile.

“I know, but we know how busy she is. But hey, let’s think when you get home you can surprise her.” Lily said smiling, making Mia smile. "So what do you think it is?"

"Honestly? Kamilah is so excited saying it’s a girl, I think she's right. I think it's a little girl.” Mia smiled touching her belly.

"I know I've said that before, but... I hope she has Kamilah's hair." Lily teased.

"Me too." Mia laughed in response.

“Mrs Sayeed?” The doctor's assistant called her with a smile, Mia and Lily stood up. "Dr Carson is waiting for you." Both girls walked into the ultrasound room. Mia smiled and shook her doctor's hand, Lily did the same.

“So, how are we doing today? Your exams are great, the vitamins have helped a lot. I see the diet is doing you good.” Her doctor smiled approvingly.

"What can I say? My wife is very authoritative when it comes to rules and regulations.” Mia laughed.

"She's not kidding," Lily said beside her. "Oh, I'm that kid's godmother." Lily said making both the doctor and Mia laugh.

"Well, let's get started?" He smiled. The next few moments made the girl's heart beat faster, Lily realized this and held it in her hand, both looking at the monitor while the doctor gently ran the device over the girl's belly.

"See, here it is." He smiled with his eyes on the screen. The blonde's heart jumped in her chest as she heard the small heartbeats that flooded the room. "Look, this is the head, the little toes and hands."

"My God..." The blonde let out a sob, seeing for the first time her baby.

"I can't see almost anything, but it's still so beautiful." Lily sobbed beside her.

"The heart is great too, he's very healthy." Dr Carson smiled.

"He ?!" Both girls asked in shock.

"Congratulations, Mrs Sayeed, you are expecting a boy." He touched Mia's hand lightly.

[exhaustedfander]

When is Enough Enough? [Chapter Eight]

Finally, Roman and Remus have a talk. 

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / Epilog 

a03 link to story

Remus’s eyes fluttered open, eyes straining against the sunlight pouring in through the blinds. He groaned, the pain of his injury something that could no longer be completely numbed with painkillers. He would be fine, but goddamn it did it hurt.

“Mmm…Logan?” Remus groaned, hazily remembering that his boyfriend had been in his hospital room when he’d fallen asleep. His eyes grazed over to the chair where Logan had fallen asleep, only to find it empty. Maybe he’d left in the night?

“I’m right here, Remus,” Remus heard a voice say beside him, turning to see Logan now standing at his bedside, still dressed in the clothes he’d been wearing yesterday. Logan knelt at his side, pushing Remus’s frazzled hair out of his eyes. “Good morning, love.”

Wow, Remus liked that a lot. Had he ever called him that before? Maybe yesterday…but everything felt so fuzzy…oh wait!

“You told Roman!” Remus shouted suddenly, effectively startling his boyfriend. How he could be so alert just after waking up, Logan would never know.

“Yes…yes I did. We talked about this yesterday, do you not recall?” Remus shrugged.

“I was pretty damn drugged up, Dragonfly. I remember some stuff it’s just all…fuzzy. I remember how numb I felt, and now everything hurts.” There was a pout in Remus’s voice, for once not out of drama. It really did hurt. Logan frowned.

“Do you need anything? I can get a doctor if you’re in pain –.”

“I’ll be fine, Dragonfly. Just sore. I guess being hit by a car will do that to you.”

“They arrested the man who hit you,” Logan said, trying to calm the rising anger in his tone, “I can’t believe someone could be as cruel as he was. To just leave you there.” Remus frowned.

“My fault though, remember? I…I was drunk, and I hadn’t been paying attention…” Logan shook his head.

“Regardless of whether or not you were inebriated, that would not be grounds to hit you and just,” Logan swallowed the lump beginning to form in his throat, “leave you bleeding out. Remus, I –.” Logan felt some form of relief only when Remus took his hand, squeezing it tightly.

Logan had been plagued by dreams all throughout the night, terrible dreams where Remus hadn’t been so lucky. Where Remus had died bleeding out on the concrete, alone and desperate. Logan had woken with a start, his eyes landing on Remus sleeping in his hospital bed. Foolishly, much like a child after being startled from a nightmare, he’d wanted to crawl into Remus’s bed with him and hold him close, feeling him breathing and warm and alive.

“Logan? Logan, are you okay?” Logan shook his head, realizing how lost in his paranoia he’d become.

“Apologies, I-I suppose I didn’t get a very proficient amount of sleep last night. It appears I zoned out.”

“I told you, you could’ve gone home last night. I would’ve been fine on my own.” Logan’s first instinct was to respond, “But I wouldn’t have been fine on my own,” though he decided not to admit such things. He didn’t want to add to Remus’s discomfort.

“And as I said last night, I wanted to stay with you. I do believe I might’ve been overly concerned if I wasn’t in your presence.” A shit-eating-grin spread across Remus’s face, which honestly wasn't a very uncommon expression for him

“Aw, you were so worried about me.” Remus said it in a teasing manner, as though the notion that Logan was beyond himself with worry was ridiculous. Except then he noticed the look in Logan’s eyes, that terrified, aghast look. “Dragonfly?”

“I was worried, Remus,” Logan rasped, his voice wavering with more emotion than Remus can ever recall hearing. Had he been this emotional last night? Remus was barely lucid at the time, but the memories are beginning to reform, unevenly and slow. “I don’t believe I’ve ever been so scared in all my life.”

“Logan, oh, baby don’t cry.” It appeared that Logan hadn’t realized he was crying because he gasped softly as he touched a hand to his cheek and pulled back. Remus did his best, given the circumstances, to wrap his boyfriend in a lose embrace.

“Careful,” Logan managed to mutter through his tears, “I – I don’t want to cause you any pain.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay. A little banged up, but I’ve handled worse.” This was a blatant lie; Remus had certainly never been hit by a car before.

“I – I thought that I was going to lose you, Remus. I believed that our last conversation would be the inane fight that I put us through. I – I thought that my own ignorance was going to be the cause of your death.” The last bit came out a chocked whisper.

“Logan, Dragonfly, no. It’s not your fault, please, don’t make this out to be your fault. I mean, I’ve been thinking about walking in front of a car for years,” – Remus noticed Logan’s eyes widen in horror – “Not that any of this was intentional! You know me, Mr. impulsive, and all that. I’m just trying to tell you…it’s alright. It’s kinda, uh, nice. Knowing that you were so worried about me.”

“Of course I was,” Logan said, letting go of Remus for a moment before gripping his hand again, not wanting to cause him any more pain in an embrace for too long, “When I got the call I was so…scared. I don’t scare easily, you know.”

“Oh, I know that. I’ve seen you watch a horror movie and you never jump at the good bits! And my god, you’re so hard to spook, even when I’m trying my very hardest!” Logan laughed drily at that.

“Right. I…I had no idea that I was your emergency contact, so it came as quite a shock.” Shit. Right. Remus had never told him!

“Ah, fuck. I kinda forgot I did that, to be honest. We’d only been dating a few months and I know I should have asked your permission first, but I already really liked you a whole lot and had a lot of trust in you that I didn’t even think about it.”

“It’s alright, love,” Logan said, beginning to regain some sense of composure as he whipped at the tears under his glasses, and holy shit Logan hadn’t ever cried this much in front of him and it was kinda crazy to see, “I don’t mind. However, I do believe it might’ve upset your brother to some degree.”

His brother? What did this have to do with Roman? Oh. Right.

Suddenly, memories of Roman visiting him clanked around in his brain. Logan had told Roman that he was in the hospital, he remembered his boyfriend saying that, and Roman had spoken to him. He remembered Roman saying…that he was glad that Remus was okay. That had been surprising. Why would Roman be worried about him?

But oh yeah, Remus remembered what Roman had said. “I don’t hate you, Remus…I never have.” He hadn’t really had the ability to take it all in before but now he was finally getting a chance to think it over and wow.

And he’d said it too. He told Roman he didn’t hate him either. He’d been so certain for so long that Roman despised so much as being in his presence, but now he’d told him that wasn’t true at all.

“Knock knock!” Remus’s thoughts were interrupted by Roman, rather annoyingly mind you, actually saying the words knock knock as he opened the door to Remus’s hospital room and waggled a bag in front of him. “I brought bagels.” Well this was decidedly very weird.

“Ah, good morning, Roman,” Logan said, acting as though he hadn’t just been crying quite a bit and he stood up to greet Roman.

“Morning, Microsoft Nerd. And good morning to you, brother of mine,” Roman said nonchalantly, as if all of this was all totally normal, “I got you the onion flavor because you’re a freak. It’s still your favorite, right?” Remus could hardly believe it; why would Roman bother to remember something so insignificant about him?

“Uh, yeah. That’s right, and even if I am a freak, it’s the best flavor. Besides, of course, shoving all the flavors in your mouth at once!” Remus declared, smiling wide. Even in his still disheveled and weakened state, the Cheshire-cat grin made up for a lot of his usual bravado.

The three of them ate breakfast talking about nothing of real consequence. Still, it was all so new to them. Roman and Remus spending time together. Logan and Remus being open as a couple with him. And Roman was making jokes and teasing him.  Not in the nasty, hurt-filled manner that they tormented each other with for years, but instead in a casual, nonthreatening sibling way.

A doctor came in to check on Remus, noting that he would most likely only need to stay for another couple of days to rest up and heal before going home. Home, he thought to himself bitterly.

His apartment was a third story walk-up, and in his condition, that wasn’t going to be very doable. But then, out of the blue, Logan had turned to him and said: “You’re more than welcome to stay at my apartment while you recover. It being on the ground level should make things easier for you.” Remus swallowed a wad of spit, watching as the doctor left the room and seeing the fairly teasing smirk on Roman’s face.

“I – I mean, yeah. Sure.”

“Or longer,” Logan blurted, his eyes lading on the floor, “You could stay longer, if you would like. Uh, that is to say, I would like it if you wanted to stay longer.” Remus raised an eyebrow, noticing the blush spreading across Logan's face.

“Are you asking me to move in with you, Dragonfly?”

“Good lord, you two are cute!” Roman’s gushing was promptly ignored as Remus’s voice commanded Logan’s attention, their eyes meeting hesitantly.

“I – perhaps. Yes. I…value your company and having you around more often would be ideal. I like it when you read your stories aloud to me, and I enjoy watching serial killer documentaries at absurdly late times in the evening and –.”

“Yes.” Logan blinked.

“Yes as in…?” Remus grinned.

“Yes as in yes, you dork. I want to move in with you, Logan.” Relief washed over Logan, a bright smile spreading across his face that Roman didn’t manage to miss. My god, his friend was smiling so unabashedly, so joyfully. Remus and Logan were so incredibly happy, and it warmed him down to the bone.

What did not manage to melt his heart, however, was when Remus went in for a kiss and there was a bit too much tongue for his liking.

“Okay, if you two are going to make out, I will leave!” The pair separated, Remus grinning still as Logan blushed furiously.

“My apologies…”

“Oh, I’m not apologizing for anything,” Remus said smugly, “You’re just jealous because I have this nerd all to myself.” Roman guffawed.

“Jealous? As if.”

“Ah right, I forgot emos were more your type.” Roman searched for a rebuttal but found none.

“You got me there.”

Once Logan had drained the coffee cup Roman had provided with him, he got up from the chair he’d stationed at Remus’s bedside.

“I’m going to go get some more coffee,” Logan said, his sleep-deprivation prevalent in his tone, but Remus supposed sleeping curled up in a chair would do that to you, “Does anyone need anything?” “We’re good, Dragonfly. Don’t fall in love with any hot doctors on the way to the coffee machine because you’re mine,” Remus joked, earning a fond eye-roll.

“I’ll try not to,” Logan said before disappearing from the room and leaving the two brothers alone.

“So…” Remus said after a moment of fairly tense silence, drumming his fingers on the railing of the bed, “Just to clarify here, you don’t hate me, right?” The expression on Roman’s face was absolutely incredulous. He sighed, scooting his chair a bit closer to Remus and placing a gentle hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“Of course I don’t hate you, Remus,” he said, as though it had been obvious the whole time. As though they hadn’t spent so much of their lives bitter with one another and avoiding each other’s company, “In fact, I love you. You’re my brother and – and I’m sorry that things have been so messed up between us for so long. But I’d like to fix things, if you wanted to. We haven’t really felt like brothers for a long, long time. But...I want to.”

Roman loved him. He didn’t just tolerate him or feel something a little less than distain. His brother loved him.

“God, when did you turn in to such a big softie?” Remus asked, as if he wasn’t nearly sniffling himself at the thought of Roman loving him despite his weirdness, despite his odd sense of humor, despite all that they’d endured as siblings. “Aw, who am I kidding? You’ve always been a softie. I love you too, Broman.”

And so the twins talked, for the first time in a long time, like brothers. They teased, and they poked fun. They talked of their respective partners, joked about “busting Remus out of this depressing joint” (Logan would have both their heads on a platter if they tried anything like that).

Things weren’t miraculously fixed between them. There would still be issues that needed addressing, but those problems no longer felt unsurmountable. They made plans to meet up with Roman’s friends, Remus was actually being extended an invitation to be a part of the group. He would finally get to show off his insanely cute nerd and prove to the world that he was his.

Perhaps taking twenty minutes getting bitter, lukewarm coffee wasn’t exactly necessary. But Logan was mindful of how Roman had given him and Remus space the day prior and was merelt returning the favor.

Besides, returning hearing the brothers laughing together would certainly be worth it.

=+=

[sebthesnipe]

The Dreamer by Whatwashernameagin an Analysis? Part 3

All portions:

Chapter 1: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Chapter 2: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

The Dreamer 

@whatwashernameagain​

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Reminder: Spoilers under cut! 

If we pick up where we left off, Logan talks about The Dreamer’s/Roman’s vision of the future ‘where everyone could live in love and harmony, and humanity would grow into its glowing, gallant potential, coexisting in friendship with nature and respecting the planet while creating a world fir for fairy tails’. “Why would no one see that [The Dreamer] was clearly delusional” (Whatwashernameagain)? Can anyone say… Foreshadowing?

I know I haven’t made it to chapter 2 yet but I need to bring this up so… If you haven’t read Chapter 2 yet then skip this bit.

*****CHAPTER 2 SPOILERS**** 

Once again, Roman’s character portrait is gaining more depth with this paragraph. In Chapter 2 we learn that Roman really does see the future this way. The knowledge has a sense of innocence that Logan obviously finds annoying but adds yet another endearing quality to the hero. I won’t go into too much detail about Chapter 2 but the foreshadowing here is quite lovely and shouldn’t be ignored. Logan calls Roman delusional for his vision and he truly is. With everything that we learn in Chapter 2 we see just how delusional the hero really is. But its not only for the future… his delusions go far deeper, involving his family, his duty, his team… I’ll stop there. You’ll just have to read my analysis of Chapter 2 when I eventually get there.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming…

*****END OF CHAPTER 2 SPOILERS*****

 Okay… so this next para…. Oh man… So many thoughts…. “Despite his illogical argumentation, [The Dreamer] had somehow kept him from some of the more drastic measures [Logan’s] supercomputer suggested would be necessity for the continued well-being of all – much to the computer’s ire” (Whatwashernameagain). So, I really want to use two types of literary theories here… one being reader-response and the other bordering psychoanalysis. In other words, more Freud stuff.  Don’t worry I’m not going to go into too much detail this time.

When I read this para all I can picture is the left and right side of the brain, which is really what Roman and Logan are aren’t they? I’ve briefly touched on the fact that Logan and Roman are polar opposites complimenting themselves before but… this para makes me consider it in a different way. Roman is acting almost like a conscious here; providing a line to draw when Logan starts to get out of control. Roman is the reigns that are yanked when Logan goes too fast. He keeps the Logical side in check. Fitting. Poetic. Perfect. Love it, Eva.

And… This super computer has so much Sass… Must be Remy. XP

With the introduction of Remy we get another burst of the light hearted humor that comes with his personality. Eva balances the character well, in my opinion. Remy is supposed to be a supercomputer with some sass but writing a character that is a computer can be difficult. I really would like to spend some time discussing Remy but I am afraid that I can’t go into to much detail. Remy in this scene is more of a support character, and there isn’t much to go on at the moment… Of course, knowing Eva, this will change in the future. I am sure he has plenty to say about Remy as the story progresses. As it stands Remy makes for a good comic relief and fantastic transitional device, pulling the reader from Logan’s thoughts back into the present to help the story move on.

 **I’m going to pause here for a moment. While analyzing the entrance of Remy I grew curious about a few things and decided to ask her. I am going back to edit this in because while writing this portion of the analysis I felt as if I was missing something. Why did she choose Remy specifically to be the supercomputer and how does it play into any of this? I knew there had to be a reason, but I hadn’t managed to figure it out. So, I asked. Here was her response:

“So I absolutely thought about why I wanted Remy as the computer. Computers are associated with cool predictability and lacking emotional competence and stiff, predictable speech patterns. Everything Logan already is. Especially this computer, who has to calculate the highest odds- the value of human life - has to make extremely cold and emotionless decisions. He would have escalated Logan’s crusade dramatically had he behaved exactly like Logic at its worst and purest moments. And their conversations would have read like Logan talking to his Mini me. He had to break up that stereotype because we already have a human trying to operate like a computer. If the calculation of our actions through utilitarian predictions are possible (which I believe they are) the reverse - the creation of unique and emotionally capable A.I.s needs to be taken into account soon. Though Remy is not part of the deliberation yet, his ability for human emotion demands he be included. He makes that demand by being essentially the most human of all of them and I will go into (too much) Detail when it’s time for his arc.”

When she told me this I was floored! I knew that she put more deliberation into her writing than most, but I had never really expected this. That sounds as if I underestimated her but that isn’t the case. I knew she had considered it or I wouldn’t have asked but… Well this is just so beautiful… I suppose there is a reason she is such a fantastic writer… And this people, is one of them. Absolutely stunning, Eva. **

 We jump back into Logan’s thoughts within the next paragraph. Remy accused the man of not ‘giving an f’ about what he says. He states that he attempts to follow Remy’s advice without prejudice. “However, whenever he endeavored to put those plans into action or even considered it, something made him hesitate. It was like a bug, hindering his rational thought process. A pesky pop-up window halting his deliberations and muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling” (Whatwashernameagain). I LOVE this paragraph!

So, the imagery here is fantastic. Eva uses a wonderful simile that really catches Logan’s personality. But I’ll have to get into that in a moment. I want to touch on something else first. We know that Logan is driven by Logic; he is Thomas’ logical side after all. That being said, it has been discussed within her Keep Him Safe fandom that Logan is/maybe autistic. I think that it is very fitting for Logan to be autistic (though this may be due to the fact that I am autistic as well). The thing is… and I really wish I had the source for this, but I don’t know what I’ve done with it and can’t for the life of me find it again. I am sorry. Anyways, if we look at this logically Logan is thirty years old (thought Eva may change that but the Logan in Sanders Sides is thirty because Thomas is thirty so I’m going with it); Which means that he grew up in 1990s. There wasn’t a lot of treatment for mild cases of autism in the nineties. In fact, it wasn’t until 2013 Autism Spectrum disorders were classified in DSM-V (History of Autism Treatment). Even if children were diagnosed before then, most cases in the 1980s and some in the 1990 used ECT, which involves passing small electric currents through the brain to intentionally trigger a brief seizure (History of Autism Treatment). These seizures are supposed to be hypothesized to change the brain chemistry in a way to reduce mental health symptoms (History of Autism Treatment). ECT is still used in some cases of autism today, though it is rare (History of Autism Treatment). Why is this important? Well, I am 27 years old. I grew up in the same era of Logan. I am also autistic so believe me when I say that /if/ someone tried to get Logan treated as a child he would have been subject to countless medications, off the wall treatment plans and subject to so many misdiagnoses that eventually he would have simply folded in on himself as we’ve seen him do throughout this work. On top of that, when he eventually came off of the treatments, he would had molded himself to avoid them at all costs becoming cold and driven by logic, blocking away as much of the emotional side of himself as he could and thus becoming the Logan we know today. This defense mechanism would obvious move into his adult years. I don’t know if this is Logan’s history in this work, this is merely speculation, but I am quite fond of the idea and historically speaking it is entirely possible.

 **Author confirmed Logan is autistic**

 I explain all this because if a person tries to block out emotions that are core to the very existence of a human being than what happens? Well, the example Eva gives, that’s what; “He attempted to follow the disgruntled computer’s advices without prejudice. However, whenever he endeavored to put those plans into action or even considered it, something made him hesitate” (Whatwashernameagain). Logan obviously tries to be as cold and calculating as his computer but despite his efforts, the fact remains… He is /not/ a computer; and he never will be. No matter how logical you try to be… no matter how much you block out your emotions, they will turn up here and there and there is NOTHING you can do to stop them. It is part of the human condition. Which brings me back to the simile I mentioned.

“It was like a bug, hindering his rational thought process. A pesky pop-up window halting his deliberations and muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling” (Whatwashernameagain).

This simile reinforces my hypothesis, but I still can’t say that it is true. Regardless it does show the struggle between Logan’s desire to be cold and calculating and his humanity; even basically describing himself as a computer (I’m pretty sure Remy would have a few things to say about that if he knew).  He describes his humanity as a bug, or a virus, a pop-up messing with his head. Or… Could it be that it’s not his humanity that’s bothering him at all… Maybe it’s something… or someone else….

He states that this virus is “muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling”. For those of you about to look up the definition of banal platitudes, I’ve already done the work for you lol. It basically means clichés. So… clichés and ‘illogical’ rambling? Sound like anyone we know? Maybe a certain Dreamer? I talk as if Logan’s pesky humanity and The Dreamer are two different issues entirely but they are not. Roman seems to be a symbol of Logan’s unwanted humanity; something he both needs to define himself and hates because he wishes he didn’t need it. It is quite a wonderful use of symbolism and philosophical structure, beautifully executed. Someone once told me that a superhero is only as good as its villain. I believe that has some truth to it and vice versa. What would Batman be without the Joker or The Riddler? But it also poses the question… What would we be without our humanity. What would good be without bad? In life we define everything as a comparison. If you try to describe the color red you wouldn’t be able to because they can not compare the color to things that are red. In a world without bad, we wouldn’t recognize the good and in a world without good, the bad is just life. Would it be the same if the Utilitarianist didn’t have The Dreamer? If Logan didn’t have Roman?

This an actual concept in the literary world known as the dialectical method. “The dialectical method of analysis begins with particular sense data (knowledge of a single object). But such focus on a particular object of knowledge immediately invites reflection on what the particular object is not. It is not a concept or idea or category. We look at the legal system, for example, and see a law, but to understand a particular law fully we need to know what the principle or idea is that makes it a law" (Rivkin, Julie). While it doesn’t exactly work 100% for Roman and Logan in this instant, it basically mean that one thing is only defined by comparing it to another. But that is for another story…

A good writer makes their reader want to ask questions, to learn more… we see that here without a doubt.

I mentioned that the ‘banal platitudes and illogical ramblings Logan mentioned that were distracting him could be Roman and the next line confirms that theory: “The Dreamer was intruding on his mental solitude increasingly often with the memories of his wide eyes, predictably shocked at learning about the Utilitarianist’s latest plans, before determination lit a fire in his green eyes.” I’m sure his eyes are not the only thing crossing Logan’s mind… As I said before, Roman is a good representation of Logan’s conscious here, with a subtext of attraction that is ever present when it comes to his thoughts about the hero. Logan goes on to describe Roman’s banter once more but this time… there’s something a little different to his words.

“His voice was like a constraining vice around his chest, forcing him to remember his outraged claims of rightness and kindness and chivalry and peace – foolish banalities standing in the way of real benefits for the world. And yet his arguments kept resurfacing in his mind, playing like a broken record. Hopes for unity and joint efforts and belief in humanity’s solidarity and such naive nonsense. Data had proven the probability of success for his hopes at about 8%. A waste of time” (Whatwashernameagain).

8%.... 8%... Of course, Logan would know that! He talks about this hero getting in his way and messing up his plans but when it comes down to it the constant reminder seems to point to one thing… (Besides denial and attraction which we’ve already covered) Jealousy. Logan obviously isn’t jealous of The Dreamer’s popularity or social status, he doesn’t have a care for though things. No, the thing Logan is jealous of is hope. Let’s think about this for a moment. Sure, Roman is the symbol of hope for the country but that’s a different kind of hope. No, the thing that Logan continuously points out is the man’s ignorant hopeful view of a future that is almost impossible… Well, 92% impossible anyways. Logan is autistic… he is driven by logic, pushing down all his emotions as best he can because they are inherently bad… at least that is what he was conditioned to believe; you can’t push down just the bad emotions, its an all or nothing type of deal if you’re trying to be the most logical being you can be… Which means all the good emotions went with them… Logan doesn’t feel emotions like most people… like Roman…

I’m not saying that he doesn’t feel emotions, being autistic can sometimes mean you simply don’t feel emotions the same way as others. Plus, it makes sense for Logan to suppress them… ANYWAYS, I’m getting sidetracked. My point is that a lot of times when you struggle with something like that (or even depression (since ‘numbness’ can be a symptom of depression)) it can be quite difficult to see others enjoying emotions that you are incapable/not use to feeling. It is possible that this might be the case with Logan. Roman’s hope for the future, despite complaining of his naivety, is something Logan covets. It is something he probably respects, though he’d never admit it. I’m sure he no doubt calculated the statistics of Roman’s future to prep for his next argument but also because he was just a little bit curious as to how likely it really is. I even doubt he would actually tell Roman he only had an 8% chance of succeeding because he doesn’t want to see disappointment on those beautiful features; he’d probably just tell him the chances were slim… Though Roman would no doubt be one of those guys that would respond to ‘Fat chance’ with ‘I have a chance; and its fat!”.    Of course, the next paragraph confirms my thoughts on Roman’s reaction to the information and once again reinforces Logan’s thoughts on just how handsome The Dreamer is.

The thing I want to draw attention to next is another opinion of Logan’s. Eva writes from his POV “Thankfully, many of his actions were far too advanced for a simple mind like the Dreamer’s, which afforded him the ability to work in peace. The threat of law-enforcement was hardly severe enough to warrant his attention. Still, he had interrupted his work and caused critical failure to several of his more drastic plans” (Whatwashernameagain).  So, this brings up a number of things we were not privy to beforehand. First, it paints the dynamic in a bit of a different light. It brings our attention to the fact that Logan doesn’t see the man as the sharpest tool in the shed. We learn in Chapter 2 that that isn’t exactly the reason behind it all but Logan, of course is not privy to this… yet. Once again, we see Logan have a bit of a superiority complex, though I doubt he means to or even realizes it. In society today, knowledge is power, and Logan has a lot of it. His view that Roman is less intelligent puts him lower on the power scale and therefore beneath him. This reinforces the same imagery offered earlier in the story, calling Roman a ‘thorn in [Logan’s] shoe’ and the fact that Logan is not happy being attracted to him. On the opposite side it also reinforces just how adorably innocent Roman is.

I LOVE this next bit! Logan mentions that he had not made Roman a target despite Remy’s insistence and explains his position of the subject: “he was trying to be useful in his own way. Criminals and terrorist attempting to profit of the system’s flaws or praying on the weak were an issue the Utilitarianist was aware of, even if he had little time to devote to such matters as we worked on the grand scheme of things. Pedophiles were most deplorable, yes, but Remy could not devote his processor power to chasing every single individual. They had brought two sex-trafficking rings to light with the help of their white-hat-hackers and had, by making the addresses of the offenders’ public, dealt with a lot of them indirectly, yet a single kidnapping was a too small variable to devote any time to” (Whatwashernameagain). So far, we’ve seen Logan move from frustration, obsession, denial, attraction, respect to envy… now we see… understanding? While some may think this is a bit contradictory, I would have to disagree… In fact, it makes complete sense that Logan would accept and understand Roman’s heroic persona. Afterall, the two of them share the same goal, they simply go about it in two different extremes.

Logan wants a better world where things like corrupt governments are nonexistent and every person can walk to their car at night without having to cling to their pepper spray or keys so desperately. Granted, he is attempting to accomplish this on such a large scale that it will not happen anytime soon, but the intention is still there. In his mind, the end justifies the means and therefore the Utilitarianist was born. Roman wants the same world, granted there are a few more rainbows and most certainly more glitter in his vision but it is the same none the less. The only difference is Roman’s sense of morality stopping him from doing something as drastic as Logan does. I think Logan sees this and though he considers the unwillingness a type of weakness he can see that Roman has a use and therefore has value (just as the utilitarianism principle suggests). In fact, in a way, Roman is assisting Logan in his goals, though it is a very small way. He is basically taking care of smaller crimes while Logan attempts to handle the big guns. This, of course, paints their dynamic in a bit of different light; Logan being the brains while Roman fumbles about and makes his job far more difficult that it needs to be. Think of it like Pinky and the Brain, or Dexter (from Dexter’s Laboratory) and his sister DeeDee (Is my age showing?). Within the next two paragraphs

Logan talks about the hero saving a young girl and the ‘almost-admiration’ that he had felt for the hero who was basically doing something Logan was incapable of; which reinforces the analysis. A small snippet of their interactions is seen for the first time; Roman lecturing about every life counts and using power for good; Logan making a smart-ass comment in return and blasting him off the oil rig with high pressured water. This is actually quite a beautiful scene because it shows the rivalry (despite Logan’s complaining) is filled with more of a playfulness than actual malice. It is obvious that Logan doesn’t really want to harm Roman and vice versa. It makes for a very soft moment for the reader, warming them a bit.

The playfulness continues through the next scene. Logan reminisces about a moment when Roman’s ‘incompetence’ managed to get him captured by another villain. There is a lot to read during this scene so I will try to be brief (I am trying to shorten these parts while also moving a bit quicker through the work, so I don’t bore you guys too much). Logan states that “only Remy had managed to piece together his whereabouts after Logan had mentioned his failure to appear in front of a camera for a solid two days. Leaving him to die in the hands of such an individual might have caused a significant amount of unrest and subsequent danger to the public” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, do you really pay Roman so much attention that you notice when he’s not there to brighten your day? Of course you do. I’m sure he would love the attention if he knew about it. Anyways, the last sentence provides more insight into what I have previously said about Logan’s recognition of Roman’s usefulness. He states that Roman’s disappearance would cause unrest and subsequent danger to the public. While, he may be making excuses, according to Remy, he does recognize this to be try and it is. If the public discovered The Dreamer was gone crime would spike, people’s hope would disappear causing them to lash out in fear and over protectiveness; everything Logan was working towards wouldn’t necessarily crumble but would no doubt be slowed. Which brings me back to the whole dialectical theory thing from earlier, which I won’t bore you with again. Just know that everything is related to something else in meaning, including Logan and Roman.

Love the light humor of Remy calling Logan his ‘computer-world-interaction device! LOL! Aside from the light humor, the interaction is a good resource in rounding out Remy as a character. It offers the reader a chance to understand that Remy needs/wants to interact with the outside world, to experience what it is to be apart of society outside his connections with the internet… Don’t we all Remy… Don’t we all… It develops Remy into the AI he is supposed to be rather than the image of a computer we originally had.

“Saving the Dreamer from his own incompetence was not a concession to his naive beliefs. No, certainly not! If anything, his wailing and warbling had caused Logan a headache as he’d dragged him out of the bunker, arguing the whole way” (Whatwashernameagain).

Logan SAVED Roman?! I love this. Irony at its finest! The villain saves the hero. Poetic justice! It also paints Logan to have a heart, though he denies it, which is quite nice too. Too bad Roman has no idea that his initials are carved in the ice around said heart. Best part is, we actually get to see a small snippet of the argument between the two: “’Uhhng you’re such an impossible motherf- um motherboard! Because you’re like a computer! Cold and emotionless!’ [The Dreamer] wailed, narrowly avoiding uttering a vile insult in his frustration. He prided himself on a hero’s impeccable manners, after all” (whatwashernameagain).

So, this snippet does a lot of things for Roman’s persona here. It provides him with the sass we hadn’t seen from him yet, giving him a bit more personality and a small bit of his POV which is a first in the story as well. We also can see the stark contrast between his and Logan’s frustration. Roman loses a bit of control in his frustration and almost curses; while Logan’s frustration, while intense, was still controlled almost to perfection (minus the one time he almost got caught because Roman got him to argue with him). His calm cool demeanor rarely cracking. Roman, as we see here, however, is the opposite, wearing the emotion on his sleeve and allowing it to flow freely rather than being bottled up and locked away like Logan attempts to do.

“Why had he cared to save this man after all? Not because of the softly uttered gratitude he’d finally muttered as he’d bundled him into an intimidated police officer’s car or his wide, awed eyes as he’d materialized out of the shadows of his cell, perfectly adjusted to the darkness in his neck-high sleek, black suit and high-tech mask that made him resemble a nimble, black cat. Or the way his expression had morphed into a knowing, almost warm smile before their differences had made their tempers rise once again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Okay, first off… Lets look at the structure here. This is another thing I love about Eva’s writing. I’ve mentioned time and time again, her ability to transition from one POV to another seamlessly but she also does it with timeframes. We’ve seen it a few times now, but this is probably the most obvious one which is why I waited until I got to this point before bringing it up. Before this para we were reading a small snippet of the arguing as Logan dragged Roman to safety. Now, we see Logan deposit Roman into a car and then BAM! Back in the cell he had been being kept in. The best part is that it is done so seamlessly that the reader doesn’t even really think about the fact that they are jumping back and forth in this timeline, they are simply able to piece it together as if it was all one piece… absolutely beautiful…

This para also gives a small insight into the humanity in Logan I had mentioned before, the humanity that only seems to come out when Roman is around; thus, reinforcing the fact that Roman /is/ Logan’s humanity. It also is a reminder of Logan’s denial but who is paying attention to that anymore?

Logan mentions the ‘softly uttered gratitude’ that Roman mutters as he was bundled in the car; making me wonder just how often Logan is thanked? Probably never… It is no wonder it was something of note here. It is like feeding a steak to someone who is accustomed to instant ramen: Surprising but not unwelcomed.

He also talks about Roman’s ‘wide, awed eyes,’ the look turning into a ‘knowing, almost warm smile.’ This is another example of how Eva manages to catch emotions so beautifully. This is also a wonderful example of Reader-Response theory as well. She mentions the physical reaction that Roman has at the appearance of Logan, but she leaves everything else up to the reader to fill in the blank… to shape the story. Still, she gave us just enough to work with.

Roman is obviously surprised that someone was there for him as his eyes go wide, but its really the fact that it is Logan, his opposite, his rival, that is there to save him. The shock fades quickly though as everything Roman has been arguing with the man over seems to come true in his eyes. Logan has just proven Roman right in the sense that Logan is good at heart and /can/ do the right thing… that there is hope that he can be led down the ‘right’ path. But the smile he offered wasn’t cocky or conceited if that were the case. It was simply ‘warm’. The complexity of human thought and emotions is far to vast for anyone to really /know/ what Roman was thinking her but I’m going to give a guess: Roman saw for the first time that his rival was not only living up to Roman’s hopes and expectations but was, in a way, providing him with a sense of friendship that Roman probably wasn’t accustomed to. Or at least a sense of affection (platonic or otherwise). No doubt, being a hero was a very lonely existence.

And we end the scene with Logan mentioning Remy’s like for Roman and his ‘cute ass and mouth.’  That’s Remy for you.

Thank you for joining me for Part 3 of this analysis. I apologize for the length and want to thank you for baring with me through it.

Yes, this is a repost. I had posted a very short Part 3 earlier today and did not want to end the Chapter 1 analysis on an odd number, so I combined Parts 3 and 4.

I will see you guys in part 4! Feel free to send me an ask or message with questions, concerns, emotional outbursts or things you simply would like to discuss or add! Thank you all!

  “History of Autism Treatment.” Applied Behavior Analysis Programs Guide, https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com/history-autism-treatment/.

Rivkin, Julie. Literary Theory: a Practical Introduction. Wiley-Blackwell, 2017.

Whatwashernameagain. “The Dreamer - Chapter 1.” Hello Guys Gals And Non Binary Friends, 8 Sept. 2019, https://whatwashernameagain.tumblr.com/post/187581477262/the-dreamer-chapter-1.

[noona-clock]

Which One? Joo Hyuk - Part 3

Genre: Coffee Shop!AU

Pairing: Joo Hyuk x You

Warnings: None

Prologue, Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, Epilogue | Words: 1,772

You made good on your promise to Jane to continue coming here for your weekly Wednesday meetups.

To be honest, you’d kind of wanted to come back over the weekend... but you still felt too awkward. And you were (irrationally) worried that something else bad would happen when you next visited.

But, really, though. What could be worse than getting a drink spilled on you by the owner of the shop? And then being taken home by that same owner because your car wouldn’t start in the parking lot?

Not much. You were sure there was something, but you didn’t care to think too much about what that something could be.

So, you’d refrained from visiting on Saturday or Sunday (or Monday or Tuesday). The next time you walked through the door of The Mug was on Wednesday at 6:58pm, just about eleven and a half hours shy of a full week after the whole car-not-starting debacle and the ‘I should have offered you a ride home, here’s a free drink to apologize for that and also spilling your drink on you’ thing.

You were kind of hoping Joo Hyuk had just... forgotten all about it? Because you would rather not feel awkward around him.

Although you would probably feel awkward around him regardless because he was so ridiculously attractive...

Also, you didn’t necessarily want Joo Hyuk to think of you as the girl he spilled a drink on. Or the girl whose car wouldn’t start.

Y’know?

You would rather him think of you as...

Well...

Anything but those two things, pretty much.

You knew that was asking a lot, though. Because both of those things had happened the night you’d met, and first impressions can be very powerful.

As it had been the other two times you’d visited The Mug, the line to order wasn’t exactly short. Joo Hyuk and Ji Soo, upon first glance, were working up a storm - though they still managed to look like models, heaven knows how.

You took your place at the end of the queue, and Jane arrived just a few minutes later. She stepped into line behind the two people behind you, and as you got closer, you heard a soft psst.

You ignored it because you truly didn’t think it was meant for you.

But the closer you got to the register, the more urgent the psst became.

Until, finally, you heard Jane hiss your name.

“What?” you whispered back when you turned and leaned over to see her.

Rather than tell the rest of the people in line what she wanted you to do, she held up her hand, only extending her thumb and pinky while she closed up her other fingers into a fist. She put her handphone up to her ear and then mouthed, ‘GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER!’

...You just rolled your eyes and turned back around.

When the person in front of you stepped away, you felt an unexpected surge of anxiety about seeing Joo Hyuk again.

But, to your slight surprise, he simply grinned and said, “Hey, welcome back. What can I get for you?”

Oh, good. He wasn’t going to ask about your shirt or your car. Now, the final test was...

“Green tea --”

“-- Latte,” Joo Hyuk finished, his grin widening as he nodded and typed it into the register.

You handed over your debit card when he provided the total, but it wasn’t until you stepped away from the counter that you let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t brought up The Spill! He hadn’t brought up The Car!

You managed to find two empty chairs by the time Jane had finished ordering, and you watched as she scurried over to you.

“Did you give him your number?!” she squealed, reaching out and squeezing your arm.

“Yes,” you answered monotonously.

“What?! What did he --” And then she realized you were being sarcastic. “Oh, come on! Why not?!”

“Because! Why would I?! He doesn’t need my number for any reason!”

“He needs it to talk to you! To ask you on a date!” she hissed.

“Jane, will you give it up?” you whined. “Just because you got a boyfriend, it doesn’t mean it’s my turn next.”

“But it doesn’t mean it’s not.”

You simply let out a soft huff, shaking her hand off of your arm and getting your phone out to distract yourself from your pestering friend.

Jane gave up -- for now -- and asked about your work week so far.

A satisfied smile tugged on your lips, and you put your phone down to answer her. You asked about her work week, in return, and then inquired after her boyfriend.

Just as the two of you were figuring out when you could meet him, Joo Hyuk arrived with two mugs. He set them both down on the small table in-between your chairs, and you thanked him softly.

Instead of leaving, though, Joo Hyuk stood there.

You raised your eyebrows and tilted your head up to look at him (though it was quite difficult to do that - it was like trying to look directly at the sun).

“You said you were a freelance photographer and website designer, right?” he asked, sounding just a teensy bit nervous.

You nodded, humming your confirmation.

“Do you... have, like, a business card or anything?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Jane shifting around in her chair.

“Oh! Y--yeah,” you stammered before bending down and reaching into your bag. You slipped your fingers into the pocket and slid out one of your business cards. “Here you go.”

You could’ve sworn you saw a tiny smile pull at Joo Hyuk’s lips as he received your card, holding it in both hands and skimming over it.

“Thanks,” he murmured. “We’ve been thinking about getting a website or -- oh, you’re on Instagram.”

Your heart was starting to pick up its pace, and you were honestly dreading Jane’s smug teasing when he left.

“Yeah, that’s -- it sounds lame, but that’s one of my favorite things.” You just loved combining your love of photography and your love of design to create a beautifully cohesive Instagram theme.

“That’s awesome,” he replied with a very small grin. “I’ll have to check it out. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, sure,” you answered somewhat breathlessly.

And, just as you expected, when Joo Hyuk turned and walked away (sliding your card into his back pocket), Jane reached over and gripped your arm yet again.

“Oh, my god,” she squealed through her clenched jaw, not wanting anyone else to hear just how excited she was. “He just -- you just -- your card! Your Instagram! Your card has your cell phone number on it, right?!”

“Yes,” you blushed, holding back a very shy smile.

Jane let out a very satisfied noise of exultation, and you were surprised she didn’t clap with glee. “Oh, this is good. You didn’t even need to give him your number, he asked for it!”

“Well, technically, he asked for my card. Not my number.”

“But, still! He had to have known your number would be on there. Honestly, this is a really good sign. This is the universe letting you know that something is on the horizon for you two,” Jane said happily.

“Oh, my -- Jane, come on,” you chuckled. “That’s going a little too far.”

“Just you wait!” she announced, nodding smugly. “Mark my words, my friend. Things will start moving along, and before you know it, you’ll have a boyfriend.”

You simply looked at her, your facial expression clearly saying ‘Sure, Jane.’

Much to Jane’s dismay, Joo Hyuk didn’t come back to check on you guys or get you refills for the rest of your time there. Ji Soo did, and while he was still undeniably handsome and friendly, your best friend was now laser-focused on developing your relationship with the other undeniably handsome and friendly owner of The Mug.

She was actually in the middle of devising a plan for your next weekly meetup when Ji Soo approached your chairs yet again to take your empty mugs.

“Can I get you ladies anything else?” he asked, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“No, I think we’re good,” you answered before Jane could say something embarrassing.

“Awesome,” Ji Soo grinned. “Hey, before I leave -- since you two are valued customers, I wanted to let you know we’ve booked a band to play here on Saturday night. Starts at 7 if you’re interested.”

“Oh, cool!” Jane grinned. “Yeah, that sounds fun. Which band?”

“They’re called Day8,” he answered.

You’d never heard of them, but if Jane was willing to come, you would, too.

“We’ll be there!” she chirped, nodding excitedly.

“Awesome,” Ji Soo grinned, nodding and heading back to the counter to take your empty mugs.

You and Jane stood from your chairs then, grabbing your bags and getting ready to leave for the night.

“Oooh!” Jane exclaimed suddenly, reaching out and grabbing your arm for about the sixth time tonight.

“Jane, I swear, if you come up with one more idea to get Joo Hyuk --”

“No, I should bring my boyfriend!” she said with wide, bright eyes. “You need to meet him! He needs to meet you!”

“Oh!” you gasped, now just as excited as she was. “Yes! Bring him! I need to make sure he’s good enough for you.”

Jane simply chuckled, linking her arm through yours as the two of you headed out the door and to the parking lot.

You let out a soft sigh as you were both enveloped by the darkness of the setting sun, the warm glow of the parking lot lights. And you weren’t sure what came over you, but you leaned your head on Jane’s shoulder and said, “Thank you for being my best friend.”

“You’re welcome,” Jane murmured softly, her voice nothing short of loving and affectionate.

“Even though you don’t need to be so extra about -- you-know-who -- I’m glad you care that much.”

Jane nodded, briefly leaning her head against yours before turning to place a quick kiss into your hair. “I care that much because I love you. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” you sighed. And you did know. 

But you were still exasperated by her persistence.

“All right, my love,” Jane said, patting your arm. “Here’s my car. I’ll see you on Saturday?”

“Yes,” you nodded, lifting your head and letting your arm fall from hers. “Saturday. Your boyfriend better be ready for an interrogation.”

“I’ll make sure he is,” Jane replied.

And, with that, the two of you said your good-byes and went your separate ways for the night.

You had parked just a little bit farther away, so you continued on walking (and silently hoping your car would actually start this time).

Just before you got to your car, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. As you reached for it, you felt it vibrate again... and again... and again.

Geez, what were all these notifications?!

When you brought your phone up to your face, you saw they were all Instagram notifications.

The first one was alerting you to the fact you had a new follower, the username of @njh222. And the next several notifications were that same user liking some of your posts.

As you got your keys out of your bag, you opened up Instagram and navigated to that user’s profile.

Just as you were about to unlock and open your door, you saw the profile picture. And you froze.

Oh.

It was Joo Hyuk.

Part 4

[calleo-bricriu]

What I want to see is what over 100 years old Calleo and his cards have to say about Voldemort.

The hell do I need cards for that for? I could just tell you outright but, then, I’m sure you’d be back at me going on about how that’s no fun at all.

In the distant past, they’d described him as a bullheaded, reactionary wank cloth who’s prone to having violent tantrums when he doesn’t get his way–I’m condensing that down rather a lot but that was the gist of it; perfectly charming sort until he gets the idea that you think he’s roughly as interesting as watching paint dry.

But, hey, people change and maybe when he’s ready to try again he’ll have improved somewhat.

Which, in his case, would more than likely manifest as just becoming more wildly unpredictable with his meltdowns and moods but, you’ve asked my cards, not me, so here we go.

I wonder if he still does that thing where he tries to go as long as humanly possible without blinking because he could do it indefinitely with a little transfiguration and charms work.

Where was I?

Ah! The cards.

(( Larger resolution image is here. ))

Hermit’s pretty self explanatory; he’s been isolated, and should you find him and ask him he’d likely tell you that it was on purpose and/or for the purposes of enlightenment, introspection and contemplation–hopefully around why he didn’t account for basic defensive Blood Magic but, most likely not that. I know I don’t like to dwell on it when I miss something basic, I like to forget I did that and move on while also keeping it tucked away in the back of my head so I don’t do it again.

I’m going to go ahead and ignore that, all around, when the Empress shows up it she often signifies a pregnancy and considering Voldemort, unless he gets incredibly creative with trying to get himself back into a body (or just possesses the first thing he can manage that’s human) is not likely the sort to be able to get pregnant, which leaves the third option of someone else…letting him…do that to them.

It can also mean that he’ll just make an effort to be a little more creative and inspirational to anyone stupid enough to show up for a second round and with his recruitment efforts but if I had to have the mental image of somebody not only fucking Voldemort but letting him knock the up so the rest of you–and I say the rest of you because I don’t know specifically which one of you asked for this reading so you all get to suffer.

And I don’t think it’s that second one as the Ace of Cups revolves around beginning again which, fair, if you’re half-resurrecting yourself–but it primarily focuses around fertility and pregnancy. Someone is going to let that man knock them up.

Ew.

Getting away from that horrifying set of mental images, the Eight of Wands indicates he’s going to be about as good at being patient and planning things out (complete with contingencies or alternate plans in case the main one fails) as he was the first time around which is to say, not at all. However, since the Ministry is staffed largely by what I can only assume are tranquilised bonobos in suits, nobody here is going to care. Or notice. I’ll notice, I’ve already noticed, but I have enough benzos from Muggle doctors that I legitimately do not care.Or, if they do notice, they’re going to pretend they haven’t so all the progress speed, action, momentum, all that nonsense, is only going to seem speedy to the people who haven’t been paying attention.

The rest of us will have seen it slowly coming since roughly 1982.

He’s got abandonment issues head to toe based on the Eight and Five of cups, which is a large part of what makes him dangerous as, instead of focusing on the cups that haven’t been knocked all over the place and using those to rebuild, all he’s likely to focus on will seem, on the surface, to be a political revolution but that’ll just be a thin and fragile veneer covering the fact that he’s a desperately lonely, fundamentally unhappy, nearly always frightened basket case and that manifests (as it often does) in violent outbursts and an undercurrent of wanting to make everyone else suffer the way he feels he was made to suffer.

That’s not even all that uncommon, you can see it to a much lesser degree anywhere in Knockturn if you stay there long enough or visit often enough.

Queen of Swords is likely to turn out to be his most dedicated defender, coming from a point of power obsession and pity, though if she’s got any brains she won’t ever mention she pities him as it might get her killed, and wants nothing more than to shield and protect him, keeping him from harm; also indicates that she’s married–well, it mentions it in the inverse as a divorce, which would make sense if she’s one of those sorts that were pushed into a family alliance sort of marriage that she never particularly cared to be a part of to begin with.

And, at some point, he may be able to shake off all that flailing about to somehow manage to convince the general public that he’s not that bad, and he’ll do so through gratuitous shows of generosity, charity, investing in community (the community he envisions, at any rate; some of you will have to be his diversionary scapegoats, after all), and while everyone is distracted by someone who’s likely to be able to walk into the Ministry and buy them off with false gratitude, making them feel valued, paying them well, displaying what comes off as fairness unless you scratch the surface, he’ll get to work doing what he wanted to do in the first place.

And what does he want to do in the first place? Get himself into a position where he’s well liked, respected, viewed in a positive light, as a good leader, as someone who is successful, committed, has clear goals, and will lead the Ministry to greater things. This is someone who wants to be loved without having to leave himself vulnerable in the process.

For awhile, he’ll get it, and it’ll seem solid.

It won’t last, however, not for long, because that Eight of Swords is going to leave him feeling trapped, restricted, and lashing out at anyone or anything who he even suspects of holding dissenting views through harsh punishments, executions, imprisonments, persecution, “trials” in front of the Wizengamot that were rigged from the start, and at that point he’ll be at two distinct paths he can take.

I do love the Two of Wands for letting things go in different directions.

First potential path: If he goes that route, he’ll be able to leverage what little political and social capital he’ll have left after that mess I just described and, with a little creativity, should be able to pull it all back together in a way that cements his socio-political views as the new, accepted norm and any rebellion against it won’t be able to gain the following it’d need to challenge him for decades to come.

Second potential path: Nine of Swords circles back to the Eight of Swords, only more intense. Terror, not just fear, seeing enemies everywhere, being the subject of gossip, the narrative of which he will not be able to control as it will be a moving and largely invisible target that is perfectly willing to martyr itself if it means his downfall. As a result, he’ll fall further and further into paranoia, nightmares, despair, and stress, leaving him with an inability to cope with the reality of the situation which will only circle back to him lashing out at anything that comes within range, regardless of who or what it is, and when he hits his breaking point he isn’t likely to survive it.

The card between those two paths, as I was curious as to which route the deck thought he’d take, is a reversed Star.

Hopelessness, despair, the inability to take responsibility for one’s actions being what led them to where they are, lack or loss of trust in those around him and in himself, feeling as though everyone, even his closest followers, are plotting against him.

Considering that, I suspect he’ll go the second route to hang out with the sword filled guy in an egg costume.

Let’s see if one overarching card will give some closure here, shall we?

Regret, refusing help from those who legitimately want to give it (back up a bit and re-read the bits that mention paranoia) because, as surprising as it may seem, there are people who genuinely do care for him–in their own, strange way–disillusionment, becoming even more self-absorbed and depressed, focusing on the fantasy in which he’s–apologies, but I’m going to jump back to how two of my former Archivists often described him–seen as something greater in terms of charisma, success, skill, and political success than Grindelwald.

I watched that mess rise to power and fall from it spectacularly, and my memory has more than enough clarity to state with certainty that the only things I’ve seen that Voldemort is better than Grindelwald at are:

1) Keeping himself out of prison.

2) Being ballsy enough to apply for that Defence Against the Dark Arts position looking the way he did when he got that interview. He had to have known what he looked like, unless he doesn’t cast a reflection anymore and nobody told him how off he looked. Just to note, it’s not that I think he’d have been unqualified for the position so much as he may have come off as only wanting it to use as a recruiting platform which is–one of those things you really need to hide until you’ve got tenure, or at least a signed contract.

3) Being repeatedly thwarted by children yet still having followers willing to both overlook it, stand there with a straight face while he probably blames his wand for it (because they all do, you find any Wizard over 60 that has a spell fail and the first thing you get is some variation of, “I swear this has never happened before! It must be the wand acting up!”), and continue to follow him despite the fact that all they’d really have to do is walk away and start telling people what he’s really like and it’d kill any chances of recruiting anything with any skill or ability to follow through.

4) Talking to snakes, allegedly. Not entirely sure how useful that skill would be but I suppose snakes probably have some interesting things to say now and again.

At any rate, Four of Cups almost guarantees he’s going the Nine of Swords route so it’ll get a bit hairy for awhile but whatever grip he gets on anything is going to be tenuous at best and even holding onto it with both hands his reach is likely going to exceed his grasp.

I never like to see raw talent wasted like that, and he does possess a great deal of raw talent as well as the intelligence to have made it, with right people around him, into something spectacular; it’s just been–misapplied and left in the hands of people who never did have his interests at heart, and it’s easy to take advantage of a kid like that. See it all the time in Knockturn.

Pity, really.