#because I should read about fictional systemic change

[functionalasfuck]

Oh, I fucking LOVED this story and have read it multiple times. Maybe this is a sign to reread it.

This comment is all over awesome stuff, but what has me really smiling like a mad thing is that last little bit. I don't have a beta reaer. I do my own editing. I hate every minute of it, and that just makes it worthwhile.

(I do still miss errors sometimes - it happens - but it's great that people notice the effort I made! ❤️

[weidli]

would be very funny to me to introduce a bunch of americans who are used to the constitution being treated as a gift from god that's very hard to change and is holy Because it's almost never changed and has been in operation in nearly the same form since 1789 to the way the swiss constitution (last total revision in 1999, there have been several hundred direct democratic votes on possible changes to it since 1848, all you need to suggest a change is hundred thousand people with voting power who'll sign the suggestion) works

[kimyoonmiauthor]

Slight note about the system of food.

'cause adding it to the large doc might crash my computer?

I've realized that though historical fiction minds this more when set in pre-industrial times, that often fantasy set in agricultural societies doesn't seem to do this, though it should.

So I'll give you an example...

Almost everything in Korean food is centered and bred for two things: Kimchi and soy sauce.

But what you don't realize in your industrialized state how freaking long it takes to make these things and how much planning is involved and how much you have to mind the seasons in order to make it correctly.

Kimchi:

Baekchu (or other vegetables) that's often harvested in fall.

The salt, which was traditionally sea salt was harvested in the spring and summer months.

Garlic is a spring to mid summer crop.

The sweet rice that goes into winter kimchi takes a ton of work to make and can take from Spring to fall.

The fish sauce that goes into Kimchi that helps preserve it for over a year, takes and ENTIRE YEAR to make. Yes, a year. You really, really have to plan on that. And what do you do if the fishing is poor for that year?

Spring onions are faster to grow, but you still have to time it for the fall kimchi making.

The fish are seasonal. For example, Yellow Corvina is taken in Korea in the spring. Shrimp in the summer (June), and anchovies in early spring to fall.

Your timing has to be impeccable and you need an entire year to plan this one dish.

Meanwhile, you, industrialized person, take for granted that you can get fish sauce any time you like and can pour it over kimchi.

In fantasy this could add flavor to your fantasy make up, if your character can only get this dish once a year. It can add political unrest (What do you mean the salt harvest was poor and we're left with the shitty metallic salt), because your characters in an agricultural society will be subject to weather changes, which you get when reading historical fiction and so on. Three seasons of poor harvest, daaaamnn... the people might overthrow their government. There might be new religions that pop up, there might be uprisings because the King and Queen are eating feasts every day while the peasants are eating things that are empty calories.

What I'm saying is that you can't be too entrenched into industrial mindset if you're not writing an industrial setting.

That orange is seasonal and only comes about in a connected system that has winter and a warmer climate.

Maybe there are key foods for your climate that are highly treasured or sought after. Mandarins once were. Cacao. Think a bit about those things and how it might interact with the larger world. When does your plant mature and when can it be harvested? is it different from different climates? There's wars that have been fought over food. (Tea, famously, at least a few times).

A staple crop failing is going to have devastating consequences.

And yet, often in fantasy, I often see people going, ya know what I can eat in the dead of winter, strawberries. Do we have greenhouses? No. Did we have freezers? No. But you know what my character is eating? A strawberry. Yeah, think about that. Strawberries don't preserve well. So plan out the timing of your dishes a bit (to the climate and subsistence system) and it can give a bit of background worldbuilding to your dishes and food.

I do have to say that the small mentions from Rings of Power on what's in season or not and why kinda made me feel like the world and the traveling was more "real" with the Harfoot. There's small references to fall v. spring crops.

[neil-gaiman]

You probably won’t see this and that’s ok obviously. Just wanted to say it anyways.

Good Omens challenged me in a lot of ways and I rather think that, that’s a good thing.

My knee jerk reaction was to dislike the show, simply because the way specific Christian elements were portrayed and altered made me uncomfortable at first, but when I took a step back and really thought it through I realized something very important. This was a fictionalized world with its own celestial system just like many other books I’ve read and shows I’ve watched. It became crystal clear to me that this wasn’t an attack on my beliefs but rather a statement about how the opposite extremes can be equally toxic.

I learned that it was ok to like this media even with my religion, because at the end of the day it was just a story, and the fact that I recognized the names used didn’t make it anymore wrong than the media I willingly participate in where the creators make up their celestial beings completely. Because it’s not wrong, it’s fiction. It is a world you created to entertain others, to teach others, yes Good Omens is a book and also a show, But it is also so much more. It represents people who have been pushed into the background, people who have been mistreated, it demonstrates the fight for change in a broken system.

So thank you. This lesson I’ve learned is something I should have understood before but no one else seemed to explain it in a way I understood. Many try to combat hate with more hate. But you saw the hate and countered it with something much more effective: a simple dose of perspective.

I'm so glad!

[darkcircles4lyfe]

To Build Something Else

Whenever I read a fanfiction that takes place in the future where the hero kids continue their schooling as normal and emerge as pro heroes into the existing system, I always kinda view it as like, “AU where things weren’t as bad” or “AU where everyone is still pretending that this is the way things should be” or “AU where good and evil are morally uncomplicated.” I’m not trying to call anybody out—I’ll still read and enjoy these sometimes—but that’s how I’ve always looked at it. I’m starting to notice other people feeling it too. I’ve read fics where they point out how redundant and unfair it is to go back to being students after saving the world (remember how many pros straight up quit and left a bunch of kids to keep fighting?). I’ve seen people acknowledge how trauma will affect their ability to keep going. Perhaps the trickiest thing to wrap our heads around is how the villains will fit into it all if not through death, punishment, or imprisonment. What about all the other trappings of society? The heavily regulated quirk use, the government-funded pros aiding police control and contributing to cover-ups that maintain the illusion of peace. Hero idolization, quirk counseling, civilian helplessness. Judging a person’s worth or character based on their quirk…

It would sound too obvious and cheesy to simply point out that society isn’t “just the way things are,” that change is possible. We all know this, and yet we struggle to pinpoint exactly where to aim our sights, find the source, make any meaningful progress. The other day I read some articles from my university’s student newspaper around 1970, and it made me feel sick wondering if progress is really an illusion. Fact is, it’s easy to intellectually deconstruct society, but very difficult to imagine how to build something else.

In this fictional world, heroes have offered a mythical vision of safety and triumph. When All Might arrived, everything was going to be okay. But let’s not forget how this story began: with a moment where All Might paused, like a bystander, and in his place, a desperate civilian kid hurtled forward without any common sense. If you ask me, it wasn’t that Izuku was so good and pure and selfless, it was that he disregarded everything.

And so the person who “saves the world” (if we can even reduce it to such a concept) is not the person who puts everyone at ease and makes crowds cheer. It’s the person who makes everyone hold their breath, with a feeling in the air like the pressure changed, and it smells like rain. It is natural to be worried about the future. It’s honest. It means you can see what’s really going on. Hero society has never felt this exposed, but the people are held back from the edge of despair because there is also so much potential brewing. Electricity about to strike. The world will NOT go back to the way it was, no matter what. That much is certain. But what if we still live to see the dawn? What then? What if one person’s courage to break the mold makes all the difference?

I’m not just talking about Izuku, you know. I’m talking about Horikoshi.

To an extent, I’ve given up on predicting how exactly things will play out, because if nothing else, I can tell he’s planning something big—so big, I can’t quite picture it. I’m watching and waiting for the one person who can. I just know where he’s coming from. I think about how he’s never come this far before because his other stories were snuffed out. I know he used to struggle to see the future of his career. I relate to his stubbornly rebellious resolve to do what he wants anyway. To keep dreaming. I know that emotional sincerity is his specialty. And now he’s even directly breaking the fourth wall, having characters talk about what’s supposed to happen in comic books. Gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, we’ve been shown how something else can happen. He’s not done yet.

[magneticecstasy]

clandestine ✤ masterlist & foreword

a teacher!joel miller au fic

moodboard is not an illustration of how reader should look, just for the ~vibes~

summary: it’s september 2016, you're in your final year of sixth form college and joel miller joins the teaching staff as your new history teacher. over the course of the academic year, boundaries are blurred, crossed and ruined when joel begins to reciprocate your insatiable crush on him; what should be so wrong just feels so right.

rating: E (sexual content throughout)

pairing: teacher!joel x student!fem!reader

blanket warnings & tags: dubcon (due to student/teacher relationship, both parties are consenting otherwise), tagging DDDNE as a safety net, age gap (reader is 18, Joel is in his early 30s), smut (will be specified in each chapter when it occurs), power imbalance, corruption, inappropriate relationships (teacher!Joel is not a good teacher), fetishization of new-adulthood (Joel will get off on reader being 18), some pervy!Joel, inexperienced!fem!reader, pet names (Joel calls reader darlin’, babygirl etc.), minimal description of fem!reader where possible, Sarah is alive but non-canon AU, no use of y/n.

reader has hair and is generally able-bodied, otherwise undescribed where possible.

♡ contents ♡

part i - new horizons

part ii - crushcrushcrush

part iii - bad liar

part iv - birds of a feather

part v - the fall

part vi - just one yesterday

*chapter subject to change*

banners and graphics from @saradika-graphics, @saradika

Under the cut, I've included a foreword that I highly recommend you take a look at before reading Clandestine.

Thank you,

M ♡

♡ foreword ♡

I wanted to include a foreword to address some of the topics and relationship dynamics that will come up in this work. This fic is largely inspired by a crush that I had on one of my teachers when I was in my last year of high school and wanted to explore what that could look like if that student/teacher boundary was crossed if applied to fanfiction. I’m 26 now and I’m well aware that that sort of relationship could not happen in real life.

Firstly, I absolutely do not condone inappropriate student/teacher relationships in real life. This kind of relationship is a complete breach of trust between the student and teacher and is morally wrong. In real life context, the student cannot entirely consent (and definitely cannot consent if they are underage) due to power imbalance. Teachers are in a position of trust, and breaching that trust is wrong and an abuse of power. There’s a reason that in many countries student/teacher relationships are illegal. Having said that, I am well aware that Clandestine is a work of fiction that heavily draws upon the student/teacher trope as well as the age gap trope - I wrote Clandestine as a self-indulgent exploration of these tropes.

Secondly, in Clandestine the reader is 18 before the fic starts and Joel is 32-33. Their relationship kicks off at a sixth form college where students are aged between 16 to 18. Any explicit scenes between reader and Joel will take place elsewhere. Beyond brief touching and flirting, I will not be including any explicit scenes that take place in said sixth form college as I feel that it is wrong and, no doubt, probably would be illegal IRL.

Thirdly, this work takes place in the UK because I’m not that confident that I could write confidently within the American school system. So this is your forewarning now that there will be a lot of references to the UK school system such as form classes (similar to a homeroom or tutor group in the US). One of the main settings will be within a sixth form college and you can read more about what that is here. For reference, the reader is in Year 13 (final year of compulsory schooling in the UK) and is equivalent to 12th grade in the US.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoy reading Clandestine. I had the best time writing it.

[alpaca-clouds]

The Power Of Media

I need do address one thing, because I see that kinda mindset creep up again and again.

Basically, under postings about utopian media, be it Star Trek, Solarpunk, or - heck - just bare Hopepunk, sometimes people will just go: "Media does not do shit. It does not change the world."

And that just is... demonstrably fault and a very defeatist attitude.

Now, one thing first: Yes, media on its own will not change the world. It will not. If you have this mindset, you are right in so far. We can have endless amounts of hopeful media and the world will not change from it.

But...

We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings. Resistance and change often begin in art, and very often in our art, the art of words. - Ursula K. LeGuin

This quote of Ursula K. LeGuin is very powerful to me. Because it really captures the issue very well.

See. Right now we get bombarded with capitalist propaganda left and right. It already starts in school, we will often get it at home and obviously in media again and again.

It is so hard to escape, that to many it is hard to imagine that there ever could be anything else. I mean, we even have the issue within Solarpunk. When I read through those Solarpunk Anthologies, I will again and again find stories, that feature either capitalist worlds - or a world that has to be rebuild after the apocalypse. Because people really struggle imagining how it could be otherwise.

And this is why fiction is so important. Why Hopepunk is so important.

A lot of young people right now are able to see that the system is broken, that it has left them behind. Most young folks, who do not come from generational wealth, see that they will under the current system never own their own house. Their own retirement seems to be rather unlikely. And that is, if they do not die before from either the effects of climate change, from some pandemic through which we have to work because line needs to go up, or just in general because the health care system does not take care of them.

And these young people are willing to fight. They are. But right now they are only fighting against a system. They do not know what they fight for.

I know, for some this might sound like a small thing. But it is not. Especially not in a world, where more and more people are struggling with their mental health.

People need hope.

And again: No, it is not enough on its own. Just hopeful fiction on its own runs the danger of just being endless escapism.

We also need to offer mutual aid for each other. We also need to organize. And, yeah, we need to protest and actually get out there to fight.

But don't underestimate the power of fiction, when it comes to giving people something to fight for.

We know that media and stories have these powers. It is, after all, why those in powers dripfeed us the kinda stories that vilify those, who want to change the system. That tell us, that "everything is fine, okay, just trust the good billionaires" and what not. Because they understand this power.

And we should not leave this power to them along.

[tentative-wanderer]

SMH when people clutch their pearls over Mo Ran and Hua Binan’s behaviours. The blurb right before the book makes it clear that this is a story about a terrible person’s reformation. So instead of feeling squeamish about Mo Ran’s tyranny, I was far more curious about how he’d change. As for Hua Binan, I absolve him of guilt because he and his folks were stuck between a rock and a hard place (I cannot understand how so many female readers, despite being female, naively undermine how freaking hard it is to break free of a world that systemically chains you), they used a galaxy-brained method to get out of it, he’s good-looking, and he has IMPECCABLE taste. (I’m a broken record, I’ve said that before. But wow, dude. That plot twist. Delicious.)

Stop clutching pearls. It’s fiction.* Just sit back and admire Mo Ran’s humour (and abs) and Hua Binan’s mad genius (and beauty).

*And it’s not overly graphic, in the sense that it doesn’t go too deep into gory details. Sidetracking far away (🤷 brains tend to do that), but somehow I’m reminded of Iris Chang’s book, The Rape of Nanking, because it’s the opposite of 2ha in the following few aspects. It’s non-fiction, it’s detailed about atrocities (by Japanese war criminals), and people really should be clutching their pearls but aren’t because they’ve been taught that the Holocaust is the absolute worst thing in recent world history, hand-waving whatever happened outside Europe and the US. (​It shouldn’t be a competition but the stark difference between the levels of awareness is appalling.) I don’t dare to read that book, though it’s important that more people do so for awareness. The author became depressed and took her life. Says a lot about the real horror.

[lacefuneral]

ok i've seen some posts about the tumblr alternative cohost but none that were actually helpful so!

(disclaimer: i am very new to this website. users who have been there longer can and should chime in with additions and/or corrections)

Cohost Introduction Post

What is cohost?

Cohost is a fledgling website that is essentially a tumblr clone, but with its own culture and site-specific features. It is also very much a work in progress. You are encouraged to talk in the cohost forum to suggest changes for devs, report bugs, and upvote other people's suggestions. This website WILL grow and change over time. And as such, I do not know if/when the information I share here will be outdated. Edit: To answer an ask I received, anyone can join cohost without an invite. It used to be invite-only. It is not this way anymore.

Is "adult content" allowed there?

Yes. Cohost is not on the app store, meaning that it is not subject to Apple's specifications. You can post illustrations, writing, and photographs (cohost does not support any video formats at this time, just gifs). Cohost has an elaborate filtering and trigger warning system (moreso than tumblr), and you can disable adult content for your entire account or for individual tags. I actually don't engage with the adult content at all on there. Visual CSEM (both real and fictional) is specifically forbidden (although frankly I think the guidelines could be stricter wrt written content. Still, does seem to handle this better than AO3 does, going as far to say that written content about real minors is forbidden.)

How are minors protected?

The minimum age to join cohost is 16, and requires proof of parental permission to join. Users who are under 18 are automatically age-gated and cannot view adult content.

If cohost isn't on the app store, how is it used?

You can, of course, use cohost on a computer, but it is designed with mobile in mind. Opening the website on any IOS browser, clicking "share", and then "add to home screen" will install an app for you to use. The same can be done on an android. There is a guide here.

How does cohost work?

First, you create an account. Then you wait for approximately two days (read: weekdays) for the account to be activated. This is done to prevent spam bots. In the meantime, edit your profile. List some interests, your pronouns, your other social media links. Give yourself an icon. Note: icon and banner file sizes are small. You may need to shrink and compress images.

After the two days are up, make your first post! Write a basic introduction (with what you feel comfortable you feel sharing) and list some interests you like, maybe some hobbies, media, etc. And then tag this post with "#welcome to cohost". This will let existing members know that someone new has joined, and they may initiate conversation and/or follow you.

Next, go to the search and type in "The Cohost Global Feed" and click on the tag. Bookmark this tag. This is essentially one giant community space where you can find random users. (There is currently some discourse on the website as to whether this tag existing is a "bad thing" or not because "cohost isn't supposed to have a global tag". Just ignore that lol). Next, go back to search and type in things you like. TV shows, maybe. Video games. Music. Anything. See if people have posted in the tags. Follow them. Comment on their stuff. Click "like" to bookmark the post if you want to.

Most crucially, make sure that you bookmark the actual tag so you can look in that tag again later without having to manually type it each and every time. Also, you get a feed called "bookmarked tags" which allows you to scroll through all of them at once, which replaces the "for you" feature other websites have.

You can "share" a post (called "rebug" in user slang) which serves the same purpose as a reblog on tumblr. In a rebug, you can add your own tags or comment in the body of the post. Cohost users do not talk in tags as much as tumblr users - they tend to prefer to speak in the body of a rebug, or in the comment section (replies). At this time, you cannot view all reblogs. But you can view all comments in the comment section. Any post that is rebugged will preserve the tags of the OP, with any additional tags added being attributed to you. Rebugs are named after the website mascot Eggbug, a purple bee-like insect.

Posts are called "chosts" - and shitposting is called "shitchosting." Two examples of global shitposting tags are "#css crimes" - which is when a person does goofy things with the HTML/CSS editor to make colorful text, fake chat windows, and such - and "#shitchosting" which is a general shitposting tag. I've also seen people use tags like "#random".

If a post makes you laugh, check out the OP's profile. See if they post frequently, and if you have any common interests. If you realize you want to block or mute someone instead, you can.

You can send asks just like on tumblr, but your inbox must be manually opened first. So remember to do that.

How do I look at my own blog?

This is one of my gripes about the UI. You would think, intuitively, you would click here (at the top of the screen). But you would be wrong!

It is ACTUALLY under the sidebar menu, called "Profile." And I'm not the only one to to complain about this. (To get back to your dashboard, by the way, you click on the cohost logo.)

Are there sideblogs?

Yes! Each sidepage (sideblog) has its OWN set of likes AND followed pages (blogs). This allows you to easily switch between multiple sets of dashboards. A lot of users use this to have a SFW dashboard and an adult content dashboard. But it works like tumblr, too. You can have a side page/dashboard for whatever you'd like. Maybe one of your pages is for programming. Maybe another is for photography. You switch between your pages by clicking the arrow next to your icon/username at the top of the screen. ("Ohhhhh.... THAT'S what that's for.")

What's the userbase on there like?

Mostly programmers. Trans people. Furry artists. Plural systems. Furry trans plural programmers. Certainly a lot of shitposters. The website is trans-run and, as such, has zero tolerance for TERFs. Everyone seems pretty friendly from what I can tell. And there's very much a culture of "follow someone randomly based on their vibes" that doesn't happen as much on tumblr. Tumblr is more like "I really like this TV show, I'm going to follow 40 blogs about just this interest." Because the cohost community is so much smaller, there is a lot less content overall, especially fandom content. You can't follow 40 fandom pages because your fandom tag has a total of 3 posts, all made by one person approximately a year ago (well. for me anyway).

Cohost, then, actually has much more in common with real-life socialization. You seek out people with interests that may be very different from your own, and to find a common interest is very exciting! Unlike tumblr, you are encouraged to tag as much as possible. This allows your posts to be seen, to find common interests. And, of course, don't forget to look in "#Welcome To Cohost" too! You may find some new friends there.

What file formats can I post in?

Currently, I am aware of basic image formats working (like jpeg, png) animated gifs, and mp3s. You currently cannot upload videos to cohost. I believe the reason is not related to server costs, but rather as a way to curb the uploading of copyrighted content.

How does cohost make money?

There are no ads, and yet, as far as I am aware, cohost is operating comfortably. There is, however, an entirely optional "cohost plus" that is $5 USD a month. Currently, there are a few perks, but not enough to convince me.

What if I think something about cohost should change?

Cohost has a forum where users can submit ideas for features and other users can discuss/upvote those ideas.

Here is a list of posts made for newcomers to read:

[vegaseatsass]

Reality tv is so fucking dangerous for me because my brain still whirs as if I'm watching fictional characters but I'm NOT and I should NOT be blorbofying or armchair diagnosing these irl human beings, it's simply safer for me to never ever engage. Tl;dr my god the exes on His Man 3 have eaten my mind, I can't stop thinking about them. I won't share REAL PERSON HEADCANONS (basically: who pings as neuroatypical) but I went from thinking Myeongkyun was the most hilarious entertaining television figure I'd seen in years to being really truly gutted for him and his like, slow struggling emotional processing which makes him sooooo frustratingly opaque even though he is trying, and his fuckboy affect which is so deceptive for how confusingly deeply (but just. sloooooowly) he actually feels. Youngjoon has been my favorite contestant this entire time (well, Youngjoon and Seungjin but let's not get me started on how it feels to watch Seungjin go untreasured episode after episode) and Hanmin jumped way up there in episodes 7 and 8 too because who knew he was the absolute kindest and most supportive and emotionally intelligent person in that entire house, I'm rooting SO HARD for him and Youngjoon I think they're such a crazy good match for each other augh. So the thing I find so compelling about Myeongkyun and Youngjoon's conflict is that it's really easy for me to understand where both of them were coming from; as absolutely maddening as it is to imagine being in Youngjoon's shoes and trying with so much hyperverbal self-awareness to reach some kind of clarity and just being hit in the face again and again with Myeongkyun's blase opaqueness, I really DO think they were both trying super hard and in good faith in that exhausting conversation! It understandably didn't FEEL that way to Youngjoon, as Myeongkyun led him in circle after circle, but I'm seriously like unhinged with how much I feel for Myeongkyun rn and his visible overwhelm. When Youngjoon was about to leave and tell Myeongkyun to figure things out on his own and Myeongkyun told him it's actually easier for him !!! to sort through his feelings with him there !!!! that's such an admittance, he absolutely was trying that whole time but what comes out of his mouth is sooooooooo not intelligible and thus as infuriating as humanly possible for Youngjoon, this incredibly verbal, emotionally analytic overthinker. They're such a bad match lmao and it's so so sad that Myeongkyun just assumed their relationship was moving as slowly as his feelings do and not that he was fully ghosted dklfjslkdfja I can just see BOTH THEIR SIDES I'm almost always on the side of the person who is like "how was I supposed to know what you ghosting me meant? I kept contacting you because I just thought you were busy!" vs. the ghoster who is all ugh dude why couldn't you read the room? but if Myeongkyun has always been like this - answering a direct question with "Maybe I'm ENTJ!" or "I don't want to tell you" or munch munch munching and "mmm"-ing and blinking and never ever answering what he was actually asked - it's pretty easy to understand why Youngjoon would assume this is a guy who neither cares about nor requires direct communication of any kind.

Lol sorry I've never posted into this tag before and this is a super incoherent blur of feelings before I go offline for the next two days but I just have to get it out of my system because I don't think I've ever had a reality show change my perception of somebody as much as Myeongkyun just like. Visibly hanging on by a thread while saying all the absolute wrong things in his stupid cool guy voice. and then breaking down as soon as he was alone. did. "Dating Minseon is... a possibility" went from sounding like a half-assed non-commitment to me, to Myeongkyun very seriously working through his feelings at his regular slow slow speed, and I'm fully rooting for them as well atp.

I wish this season had more friendship and less shady secret missions because everyone is so miserable... including me, who is sitting here typing nonsense instead of posting about my safely fictional characters.

[tekkawolf]

Living In a Problematic Shadow

An essay by an anonymous member of the Vurrsys

-

I've been meaning to talk about this in some public-facing capacity for a while, but never knew how to do so in a way to protect the safety of our system.

I am a problematic factive.

It's ironic, in a way, that abuser introjects are the most commonly talked about introject in the psych field yet even fictional introjects of "problematic" characters are contested in the greater plural community. Factual introjects in general, too, are derided. I am a mixture of the most controversial parts of both these types of headmate, and it is not easy trying to exist.

I will not go into detail about who I am introjected from, but my source was called out for possible abuse and cut off from the greater internet. Despite having done nothing they did, I must live with the guilt of being a copy of an abuser and the knowledge that everyone hates my existence. I cannot be open about who I am, both because it is seen as parasocial and because it would put the system in danger—and this is extremely isolating. My name, appearance, even personality traits must stay hidden as to prevent the worst case from happening.

And it sucks, a lot.

There's a special kind of pain that comes from being unable to be yourself, which I'm sure many understand. Not even just other introjects: the society we live in makes it so that you have to hide key aspects of yourself from parents, co-workers, and the general population. Even in plural spaces, even in spaces where factives are allowed, I am unwelcome and treated as a threat for existing. Even among loved ones I am scared that they secretly see me as just as evil as my source, or that it reflects the system as a whole. We didn't choose to introject me, I didn't choose to front as frequently as I do.

There probably is no solution here. Even if everything about how problematic factives are seen was fixed, it would still be parasocial to use my source's face as my own. However, I want everyone reading this to remember that those who have done harm (in this world or otherwise) are still worthy of redemption, of making themselves better, of not letting their past dictate their future. Restorative justice is a powerful ideology that more should pick up, because it can better our compassion and teach us to forgive ourselves, too. Even those who still have thoughts similar to their source, or cruel thoughts in general, are not worthy of scorn: thoughts are not indicative of morality, they do not define a person's existence. It is the things we do and the ways we act that matter. Keep those accountable for things they've done in the material world, but remember above all else that change is possible and being bad once doesn't mean you'll be bad forever.

[pyramid-of-starrs]

Take Care of Me Chapter 1: Empty

Chapter mood board:

Chapter warnings: Cursing, Symptoms of ED, mentions of depression/depressive behavior, insecurity, body shaming? , Fem names and parts, toxic relationships, lies, arguing, aged up Seonghwa (29), Aged up Wooyoung (25), smoking, drug use, drinking, sexual activity while under the influence (Everyone involved is coherent and consenting)

Smut warnings: Tongue kissing, drool? ,Fingering (Fem receiving), body worshipping, boob play, public sexual activity.

Word Count: 8.3K

if I'm missing anything please let me know

This is not a representation of Any members of Ateez and this story is fictional.

Minors DNI

Chapter Playlist:

(4) Take Care of Me Chapter 1 - YouTube

Wake up. Eat. Work. Shower. Was this how life was supposed to be lived? Was life meant to be so dry and mundane? You go to work every day and leave in your car then come home, drink some wine, pet the dog, have dinner, and go to sleep and do the same thing the next day. The weekends you sleep and ignore the messages from your friends asking you to go out. Going to bars and clubs at 28 sucks, either you get younger guys trying to prove that they could fuck you good or guys your age trying to prove that they still can fuck good. Who the hell would even want that. Enough thinking, time to get to work, you slide on your skirt over your stockings and put on your blazer and head out to the front door. Right on time a knock at the front door can be heard you open it to see your usual caretaker, Jonathan, a very nice older gentlemen that you pay monthly to take care of your house, plants, pool, and dog while you’re at work. Yeah, you opted to buying a nice big house to fill the lonely void and unfortunately it was too much for you to handle on your own, hence you hiring Jonathan.

“Good morning, Mrs. Y/N, off to work ?”

“Yes Jonathan, as usual call me if you need anything okay?”

You handed him the house keys, Jonathan felt like it would be best for you to give him the keys every morning instead of him keeping a spare because he didn’t live in the best neighborhood and didn’t want to risk someone taking it and you getting harmed. You assured him that you had a very good alarm system, but he still didn’t want to be a bother, he was the sweetest man in the world. He took the keys from your hands and smiled at you warmly.

“Okay Ms. Y/N, have a great day at work, let me know if you’ll be running late so I can push back your food delivery time.”

“Will do, thank you.”

You walked out as he walked in and headed to your car in the driveway, once inside the car you turned on the radio and headed off to work. From there the bleak and boring feeling still stayed but you couldn’t complain because the money was good, you worked for the top marketing firm and held a higher up position. Your assistant knocked then entered your office having you review some forms that you barely read, and you worked on your laptop throughout the day. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about the empty and unfulfilled feeling you had, no they are just going to babble and you’re going to tune them out too. Maybe you needed a boyfriend, but then again, the only men you knew worked at your firm and are boring too. Change of scenery? Nope, you hated moving, it always felt like too much of a hassle. Maybe this was just what you were meant to be, a normal, boring NPC watching life pass them by. It wasn’t your surroundings or the people in your life it was just you, you were just boring. Who knows and honestly who cares right now, all you wanted to do was get out this office and get home, today was Friday so you were just happy to enjoy your weekend of sleeping.

Once the workday ended you gathered your things and laptop and left your office, locking the door anticipating the coming weekend.

As you walked to the elevator you heard a voice call out your name, when you turned to see you saw your friend Rina.

“Y/N!!! I missed you!”

She ran over and hugged you, nearly knocking you down.

“Rina…welcome back from your work trip, how was it?”

She finally released you from her grasp, Rina was your co-worker now, but you met her in college, she worked part time at a diner you and your ex-boyfriend use to go to frequently. Casual conversations after her being your waitress for many times made caused you too to develop a long-term friendship, she has been through a lot with you and same for you for her. Rina got her bachelor’s in human resources and associate in communication while you got your bachelors in marketing and associates in photography, you both graduated the same year and Rina made you promise to get a job at the same place so you two would never be apart because she felt like you two were “platonic” soulmates. Now 4 years later here you were, Rina was an HR Rep while you were a Marketing manager both of you worked cushiony jobs, but Rina was happy, she was still wide eyed, you sometimes wondered how Rina kept that  same spunk, that same passion, whatever it was that was part of the reason why you couldn’t help but love her.

 “It was so amazing Y/N! I wish you could have come, the HR stuff was boring, lots of keynote speakers and those dry cookies you know I hate but the views and my hotel was beautiful! The perks of being in HR is booking your own stays and no one batting an eye at where you pick.” You and Rina continued your walk down the hall to the elevators. Once you two got on the conversation continued.

“That’s good to hear, I’m glad you got to enjoy the trip.”

“It would have been perfect if you came, you could have brought your camera and I know you would have gotten some amazing shots Eggy!”

Ah yes, Eggy, eggy was the name that Rina made for you because in college when you went to the diner, she worked at with your ex you would only order a side of scrambled eggs with water. She thought it was so peculiar that she started to call you eggy. What Rina never knew was the real and unfortunate reason behind your order. That was because of the insecure asshole that sat with you every other day at that booth. Your ex was a lot of things and had horrible ways about him, he made you feel terrible about yourself every day of the 4 years you were in college, but you clung to him because you desperately needed familiarity and someone to love you. Maybe that stemmed from some random unresolved trauma you had but all you knew was that you loved him. He often reminded you when you were eating too much and needed to keep yourself in shape or someone would “Swoop in and steal him away”. He made you cut your hair, wear baggy clothes so no one saw your bigger than average chest and plump thighs, you could rarely go to parties without him making a fuss and when you and Rina got close, he wanted you to cut her off because you two spent too much time together, but Rina would rather die than leave you alone. He was in his sophomore year when you started your freshman year, you two met at a party and hit it off from there. The relationship was pretty good your first year when you were a tiny and awkward freshman just excited to be in school for photography but then you entered your sophomore year when he was in his junior year and you gained you freshmen 15 in all the right places, your adult body had developed, big breast, thick thighs, and a fuller face. Men were showing you more attention and he hated that, he stopped taking you out, stopped wanting you to dress up and even told you to give up on making photography your career path. The more you thought about him the more it just bothered you, you developed a lot of bad traumas from him so shook yourself out of your head and realized Rina was still talking.

“Huh? Oh, yeah sure that’s fine” you said the first default answer that came to mind.

You two walked off the elevator as it stopped at the parking garage, she jumped out in front of you her eyes big and a huge smile on her face.

“Wait really? Oh my god finally! It’s been forever since we went out!”

“Went out?”

“Y/N you were zoned out, weren’t you? Ugh, well I said I was going out with some friends on Saturday and asked if you’d come with. You already said yes so, no takesies backsies!” she ran off to her car and yelled that she would pick you up tomorrow.

You sighed deeply, this was going to suck but there was nothing to be done now, trying to back out on Rina was fighting a losing battle. You got in your car and drove home, you pulled into your driveway and walked up into your home.

“Jonathan, I’m home.”

Jonathan walked into the home from the backyard through the backdoor, your black shiatzu in his arms with his little pink tongue sticking out as he panted.

“Hello Ms. Y/N, welcome home, your food delivery is on the kitchen counter, the plants are tended too, and Mister (your dog) is all taken care of.”

“Thank you, Jonathan, I already deposited your paycheck.”

“Thank you, Ms. Y/N, however I do need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” you walked over to the counter to take your food out and Jonathan put Mister down and closed the sliding patio door.

“Well, you see, I won’t be able to return for quite some time. My wife has fallen very ill, and I need to be there to take care of her...”

“Oh, well if that’s the case then I guess it’s nothing else that can be done then, that’s fine take all the time you need me, and Mister can manage.”

“Well, that’s the great thing Miss, I have a replacement already, my nephew recently moved to town and is looking for work and he could really use some honest work to get him on his feet.”

“Does he work as good as you?”

“I’ll show him all the ins and outs, I can even do it tomorrow!”

“That’s fine, I won’t be home most the day because my friend is making me get an outfit for tomorrow and she’s picking me up in the afternoon, so I’ll leave the key under the plant at the door.”

You walked him out and locked the door behind him, walking back over to grab your food and sit on your couch to watch TV. A sigh left your lips as you thought about the dreadful day of tomorrow, you finished your food, showered, and headed to bed as you laid there in your night dress you tried to shut off your mind to get some sleep but then the thumping started. The thumping was exactly what you thought it was, since you broke up with your ex 4 years ago you’ve only had sex twice with a guy you dated but couldn’t take seriously, it was going on 2 years since the last time you had been intimate and the throbbing in your core started a few months ago. You’ve never felt this horny before but there is always a first time for everything, you tried using your fingers and toys, but nothing really felt the same or gave you the same sensation, you try your best to ignore it every night but always end up staying up until the point of exhaustion with the aching feeling of your unsatisfied nub. You were woken up at 10am by your phone ringing, only 2 people ever called you, your mom and Rina. This time it was Rina, thank God. You reached over to your nightstand and grabbed your phone off the charger.

“I don’t want to go Rina.” You said in a groggy and cranky voice still tired from your area keeping you up.

“I don’t wanna hear it Y/N, you already said yes so, I’m taking you shopping then we can get ready at my place! My boyfriend is going to bring some of his friends too!”

Rinas boyfriend, right he exist, you usually don’t have an issue with friends’ partners, but Rinas boyfriend was your ex’s brother. Again, you can’t blame Rina because you never told her about everything with your ex, all she knew was that you two broke up and she always felt like that was the worst thing ever because she wanted you two to get married someday. You’re not sure if Rinas boyfriend knew about the shitty things his brother did but you did know that he wasn’t a huge fan of you after you broke up with his brother. Rina always told you that Hongjoong, her boyfriend, loved you but you knew that that was just something people say when someone doesn’t like another person.

“I don’t want to hang out with those guys Rina so if anything, that makes me not want to go even more.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, they are fun so you’re coming! We’re going to this new club downtown it’s really fun so hurry up and get dressed.”

“…fine, let yourself in when you get here.”

“Yay! Love you, bye.”

“Love you bye…”

The phone hung up and you groaned loudly, this day was going to be a drag, but you loved your best friend enough to commit to it, it’s been months since you last went out on the weekends so maybe the club scene has magically changed, doubt it. You got up from your bed to go shower and get ready for the day, while you were getting dressed Mister ran to the door barking and you could hear the door opening downstairs.

“Honey I’m hooooome.” Rina was dragging you out to a night you knew you wouldn’t enjoy but at least she’s adorable while doing, so you walked down the stairs to greet her.

“Well, hello my love.” Trying to play along, you could see Rina kneeled to pet Mister still at the front door, she had on a cute black skater dress with chunky sole black boots, despite her bright personality Rina enjoyed wearing all black, she thinks it compliments her shape, which she isn’t wrong, she was a petite built woman, she had a flat stomach but she had a small chest and not much thighs or butt contrary to you. Rina stood up and realized what you were wear. A black body-con crop top that showed your belly button and butterfly tattoo on your forearm and grey sweats.

“Girl what the hell, why are you dressed to sit at home I told you I was picking you up!”

“I am dressed to go to the mall this is my outfit…”

She signed and shook her head.

“Eggy what have I told you about not dressing depressed when you are depressed?”

“And I told you I’m not depressed.”

Rina knew she was fighting a losing battle and just decided to change topics.

“Well, your hair looks cute, so we don’t have to get that done and of course you have that gorgeous face, all we need is a cute outfit to compliment that godly shape.”

You fiddled with your bangs when she complimented your hair, you decided to change up how you got your hair done out of boredom last week and got dark burgundy extensions with a thin bang that stopped a little below your eyebrows. You were hesitant about the change from your usual 3 styles of either black middle part, black braids or just your natural curly black Afro but Rina suggested you change something up in your life so you wouldn’t be so gloomy feeling.

“Thanks, but let’s go before I change my mind.” You put on your Jordan’s and you two headed back out the door. You left the key under the plant on the walkway for Jonathan and his “trainee” and got in Rinas car to head to the mall. Once you arrived you felt a small pit in your stomach, shopping at the mall was everything but fun for you, clothing never fit you well and you felt like every skinny little teen girl was talking about you. You two walked in and shopped at a few different stores, stopping at a boutique in the mall you started to try on outfits while Rina stood outside the dressing room.

“So…are you excited about going out tonight Eggy?”

“You know my answer and you know you’re not going to like it.”

“Yeah, I know you’d rather be home with Mister and blah blah blah, I just want you to experience what’s left of our twenties, sometimes it feels like you’re already going through a mid-life crisis.”

“What does that even mean?”

“You’re always so humdrum these days, in college you were so fun, and we would hang out all the time but now I barely see you outside of work and I love my boyfriend and friends, but no one can replace my eggy.”

“…I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“Don’t be sorry eggy, put that energy into making yourself happy!”

You chose not to respond because you didn’t know what happiness looked like, you hated to admit Rina was right and you were already depressed and over life at 28 but you can’t help feeling this way. You decided to not think too much about it and finished trying on the last outfit Rina suggested, she knew you weren’t a flashy person, so she grabbed a few safe options for you to try on, this one was a white dress with spaghetti straps and a ruffled bottom that stopped at your knees, the dress was form fitting and showed a good amount of cleavage. You stepped out the fitting room to show your friend.

“How is this?” You asked with your arms crossed covering your chest a bit.

“Holy hell Y/N you look so hot! Take that off and give it to me I’m buying that for you right now.”

“Wait really? You like this?”

“Hell no, I love it! You’re so wearing that tonight the guys are gonna be in love with you. Seonghwa isn’t gonna know what to d-“ she slapped her hand over her mouth realizing that she had revealed a secret she was trying to keep from you.  You froze and just stared at her then you walked back in the fitting room to change.

“Now listen to me Y/N.”

“I don’t want to hear it, Rina.”

Once you quickly changed you handed the dress to Rina and left the store heading directly to the car. Rina quickly paid for the dress and an outfit she got for herself and jogged after you. By the time she reached you had already got to the car and was waiting for her to unlock it, she hit the unlock button and you both got in.

“Eggy I really didn’t know he was coming until today���I promise.”

You stayed silent while Rina sat there looking at you with the biggest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen.

“If you don’t want to go anymore, I understand…”

She didn’t know why you broke up with Seonghwa in college she just knew it was a bit sudden, one day you and Rina were planning the imaginary wedding the next day you stopped smiling and started wearing hoodies and letting your hair grow out. There was things Rina did notice, it was the fact that Seonghwa graduated a year before you two and communication between the two of you became less and less than one afternoon you two had a fight and then you broke up with him. Rina wanted to help get her best friends back together and even went to Seonghwas house but that’s where she met Hongjoong, Seonghwas half-brother that was a year younger. You explained the situation and he let you know that Hwa had left for Europe a few days prior. She respected your decision to break up with Hwa because you were in the relationship, not her but she always secretly wanted you two to get back together one day.

“…I’ll go…it’s fine.” You couldn’t keep living life hoping not to see Seonghwa again, you knew at some point you’d see him.

“I promise Eggy you won’t feel weird I’ll punch him if he upsets you!”

You two drive back to Rinas house to get dressed at around 9pm you and Rina are ready and decide it’s time to go. Everyone was meeting at Rinas house, so everyone was downstairs already.

“Come on Y/N, are you ready?”

You step out of the bathroom that Rina and Hongjoong had connected to their room and Rina dramatically gasp.

“Oh my god my Nubian queen I’m in love, please I’ll leave my man for you right now let’s run away together.”

You put on the dress she got you with black heels that laced up your legs, you had a very simple make up look that complimented your lips and eyes and added some fun curls to your hair.

“Don’t be dramatic Rina…”

She grabbed you by your hands and dragged you out the room as you two started to descend the stairs.

“Don’t believe me? Ask everyone else.”

You got to the bottom of the stairs and some of Rinas other female friends were there.

“We’re ready everyone! And look at Y/N doesn’t she look amazing?”

Everyone playfully cheered at your entrance, you couldn’t help but to feel a bit shy.

"So, this is the infamous Y/N we hear about but can never make it? I was starting to think Rina had an imaginary friend!" A woman you didn't recognize stood up.

"Yuna, nice to finally meet you Y/N." she walked over to extend her hand to you, and you shook it. You felt bad because your mind was not on her or anyone else for that matter. You were nervously looking for him...Mr. Park Seonghwa. Rina being your friend of many years saw how you scanned the room distracted and knew you were looking for him.

"Alright well Hongjoong and the guys are going to meet us at the club so lets head out."  You all exited Rinas loft and got into separate cars, naturally you rode shotgun in Rinas car."

You arrived at the club and went through the usually run down of the bouncers checking every nook and cranny of your purse then them checking your IDs.  Rinas friends flirted with security a bit to get you in for free and Hongjoong had bought a V.I.P section for you all so you headed over to it. You were not Hongjoongs favorite person because naturally he saw you as the girl who broke his brother’s heart and sent him packing to Europe alone when that was just the surface of the truth. Hongjoong skipped the school route and went into creating his own path in music engineering, it didn't make him much money at first and Rina supported him through it, then he finally got his big break and had worked his way up since. You had a lot of respect for him because you assumed that when he made it big, he would leave Rina, but he didn't, he stayed home to stay with her and takes care of her well. They matched each other well, when they first met, she was frantically looking for his brother to figure out the breakup situation, he thought she was cute and asked her out, he appreciated her genuine spirit. From there they have been together since.

Once in V.I.P you guys spent 30 minutes drinking and wand swaying to the music while you waited for the guys, you stayed seated in the corner working on one drink, you didn't mean to be a downer, but this was just not making you feel any better, you felt indifferent about the whole thing. Rina checked her phone and realized Joong texted her telling her to bring everyone to the dance floor because that’s where the guys were. Rina relayed the message and you let her know you were going to hang back a bit to then rejoin the group, she was hesitant about leaving you but accepted that maybe you just needed to thaw out still. As everyone was leaving you checked you phone and realized you got a message from Jonathan:

As you finished typing you heard a familiar voice, and it made your stomach drop.

"Texting my replacement?" The dreaded ghost of your past has finally appeared, you looked up slowly to see Seonghwa in black dress pants, a white button down with a pull over. You looked back down trying to keep your composure and calm yourself, you hadn’t seen Seonghwa since the day he left for Europe and had no idea it would feel this strange when you saw him again.

“No.” was all you could say, Seonghwa smiled and sat next to you.

“You’re not denying that there is a replacement then.”

“There isn’t.” You turned your attention back to your phone and crossed your legs. Seonghwa took a moment to really look over you, he sure did miss seeing you.

“You look as beautiful as always Y/N, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on beautiful don’t be like that; I want to talk to you.”

You chose to stay quiet because you simply had nothing to say to him, Seonghwa may seem sweet and innocent to everyone else, but you knew the real him, the him no one else got to see. In college he wasn’t only someone that made you feel insecure he was also a manipulative gas lighter. He made you feel lesser than, made you feel like you were always in the wrong, made you fell like you never did enough as a girlfriend. You gave your everything to him and he gave you hell in return. The week before seonghwa left for Europe he was telling you all about how he was offered an internship at a company in Europe and told you he wanted to go.

“Y/N it could really change my life and help jump start my career! I really think I should go.” He said to you while you both were in his apartment.

“I think you should go to; it sounds like your dream opportunity.”

“So, you’re on board then?”

“Of course, I am, you know I’ll support you through anything.”

“That’s so good because I already said yes and bought our tickets, we leave next week I’m so ha-“

“Our? Next week?” you asked with a puzzled look on your face.

“Well yes, I assumed you would be coming with me.”

“Hwa, I’m still in school, I can’t just up and leave I have to finish out my courses, this is my senior year.”

“That’s the thing baby” he walked over to cup your hands then look you in your eyes then continued.

“If I do this internship, I be able to get a great job that could take care of us both.”

The smile that was once on your face had completely faded now.

“But I’ve worked so hard, I can’t just quit and let you take care of me for the rest of my life.”

“Yes, you can Y/N, my career is going to be more than enough for us.”

“What about my career though?”

“You don’t need one if we have mine, you can pick back up your little photography hobby, doesn’t that sound fun?”

This was supposed to be his way of convincing you, yet this just sounded like he was belittling all the hard work you have put into your life. You took your hands out of his and back away from him.

“…You’re the one that told me to switch my major to marketing because photography wouldn’t get me anywhere in life…”

“Right, I know Y/N but now it can be something fun for you to do while I work.”

“Photography means a lot to me, it’s not just some hobby Seonghwa.”

“Fine whatever, why is this even the topic at hand Y/N this isn’t about you right now.”

“Well, I mean…it kind of is Seonghwa, you want me to drop out of school and just come with you to Europe for a year, that’s not something I can really just do.”

“You can always finish school later in life Y/N it’s not this serious.”

“It is to me though!”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Not go and throw my own career away just so you can focus on you?”

“No, I’m not telling you to not go Seonghwa, I’m saying I can’t go with you.”

He folded his arms and scoffed.

“So, you expect us to be long distance?”

“I mean why not?”

“Wow Y/N I knew you could be selfish, but this is crazy even for you.” You wanted to respond but he just continued. “You do know I didn’t have to even discuss this with you? I could have just broken up with you and left. I have options Y/N I think you forget that. Rather you go into marketing or do your little photography my job in engineering is going to be what takes care of us!”

“I never asked to be taken care of Seonghwa!”

“Good because you don’t deserve to be, you were just some dorky girl in photography when I met you and I helped elevate your entire life!”

“I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I can make choices on my own.”

“Right just like you chose to go to college for photography, you chose to gain weight, you chose to dress the way you dress showing all that skin to everyone that would give you attention. I helped make you the woman you are today, not you, not Rina, not your mom and not the guys that eye fuck you just so they can give you the attention and validation you are always so desperate for.”

Tears started to perk up in the corners of your eyes, you didn’t think telling him no would make him berate you like this, you even considered changing your mind and just saying yes and going but no. Why should you be okay with him treating you like this? Why should you stand for his horrible ways and self-centeredness, this isn’t what you deserve, you deserve much more then a guy that isn’t even willing to do long distance for a year. You stayed silent and started to gather your items while he continued his rant, once you were done getting your stuff you stood at the door and turned to him.

“I’ll be back tomorrow with Rina to get the rest of my stuff Seonghwa, hopefully you’ll be calmer.”

“Don’t bother, you don’t deserve me, you never have, if you walk out this door, we are done Y/N, you’re throwing away all 4 years that we have together.”

You stood there hesitantly, having a small panic attack about being alone, was leaving Seonghwa really what you wanted to do?

“Then I guess this is it then.”

That was the last words you said to Seonghwa before leaving his apartment and walking yourself back to your dorm in the cold night. You called Rina over and cried to her about you two breaking up but never told her the exact reason. From there the autopilot turned on and you started to just coast through life. Doing the most sensible thing and staying out of the way, your hair got longer, you got in the gym to lose the belly fat and you maintained yourself. You got a nice career after college, then bought yourself a house and a dog and even hired a sweet caretaker to help maintain everything for you. You never knew rather you did all that to prove to yourself that you could take care of yourself or to prove it to Seonghwa but even after all that you still weren’t happy.

You zoned back in from your flash back and realized Seonghwa was just staring at you.

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’ve missed you.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you miss me ?”

“Seonghwa…”

“I know, I know, listen I’m sorry if I’m being pushy, I was just really excited to see you tonight and I couldn’t contain myself, I’ll back off a bit.” He smiled softly at you, and you had to fight with your self not to melt on the spot you softly bit your bottom lip then took another sip of your drink. Seonghwa knew the effect he still had on you, he pours himself and you a shot of tequila.

“Still a light only girl, right?”

“Yeah…”

He handed you the shot glass and you put your drink down to take it.

“What are we toasting?”

“How about cheers to new beginnings?”

“Sure”

You two clinked your glasses together then tapped the table and took the shots, some of the alcohol spilling down the side of your mouth. Seonghwa grabbed your chin with two of his fingers and wiped it with his thumb. He stayed silent and you two just stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. Your stomach was in your ass at this point and your brown cheeks felt hot. You stood up to kill his gaze.

“I um- have to go to the bathroom be back.”

You walked out of the section leaving Seonghwa there by himself, you made it to the back of the club and found a small private room with an unlocked door and opened it.

You walked in and saw a couple making out which startled you.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” you said and was about to exit but then a man dressed in all black walked in behind you.

“Get the hell out of here, I told you two this room isn’t for fucking.” You stood there watching as the man shoo’d the couple out the room, he was a smaller gentleman, no way was he a bouncer he had to be a good 5’8 with some muscles but no where near as much as the guys standing outside. He had on a black t-shirt with black jeans and converses and his hair was longer, his split bangs covered his eyes a bit and when he turned back to you, you realized this guy was gorgeous.

“Hello, ma’am? Can you hear me?”

You realized you zoned out again because you could hear him talking to you.

“Are you okay lady? Do you need me to call someone?”

“Oh, um no sorry I just came here to cool off a bit but if I’m not allowed then it’s fine.”

“Nah it’s cool, you aren’t in here trying to fuck someone so you can stay, I’m about to take my break in here so come in, close the door and lock it.”

You nodded your head then closed the door behind you and twisted the lock on the handle. You took a seat on the sectional couch, and he sat on the one across from you, then took out a small bag from his pocket, you realized it was weed and chose not to care about it. You sighed heavily to release the tension in your body then closed your eyes and dropped your head back on the wall. While the man was rolling, he couldn’t help but notice the obvious tension in the room coming from you.

“Uh… you alright lady?”

You opened you eyes but didn’t make contact at all, you were dazed and confused about your feelings and what better way to feel better then to unload on some poor unexpecting Stanger.

“Yeah, I came out with my friends tonight and they invited my college ex that made me feel horrible about myself, but I can’t be mad at them because they don’t know about all the shitty things, he has said to me so now I’m stuck in a club with him.” Amid your rambling, you didn’t notice the man lighting his blunt and coming to sit next to you, he offered it to you, and you declined.

“Well mad at them or not that still sucks, sorry you’re going through that.”

“It’s fine nothing to do now but wait here till I die I guess.”

“Well, no, you could always tell your friends what he did I’m sure they would get why you don’t wanna hang with him.”

“Yeah, but my best friend dates my ex’s brother, so it’ll get messy, and I don’t want to come between them.”

He took another hit of his blunt and inhaled deeply.

“Fuuuck that sucks, yeah I don’t know what you could do lady.”

“Y/N, that’s my name, nice to meet you.”

You stuck your hand out to shake his and he grabbed you hand and kissed the back of it.

“Wooyoung, and the pleasure is all mine.”

“So, Y/N tell me more about this ex, seems like you never got to tell anyone about it, and you need someone to be on your side.”

“I don’t want to bore you.”

“You won’t, it would be a good reason to not go back to work.”

So, you did, you told Wooyoung, the random man you met in a private room at a club everything about you and Seonghwa, every detail and argument, and he listen as he finished smoking.

“God damn you’re right, that guy fucking sucks, I’m sorry you went through that, seriously.”

“Thank you, you were right it does feel better to finally tell someone everything.”

“I’m surprised hot girls like you have to deal with nightmares like that, it’s insane that he made you feel like you weren’t pretty and that you should cover your body.”

Your face got hot again, and you got a bit shy, something felt kind of good about this man agreeing with you, he continued.

“If you were my girl, I’d let you flaunt all of that shit, showing off that nice ass body you have, it would make me want you more knowing that other guys want you and can’t have you.”

That’s when it returned, the thumping, this incredibly sexy man was giving you the validation that Seonghwa didn’t for years, now you weren’t the type to seek male validation but Wooyoung sitting there looking like that and just giving it too you, you couldn’t help but admit it made you hot. You crossed your leg over the other one to give yourself a bit of friction to try to calm down then continued the conversation.

“Really?”

“Hell yeah, I think you’re sexy as hell so for him to try to dismiss you like that is kinda insane. If I were him, I’d say fuck Europe or do the long-distance thing just to keep you.”

“Wow, that’s actually really nice, thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem, the next guy to get you is gonna be lucky as hell.”

“Yeah, if that happens, I can’t even find a guy to fuck me good, let alone one that will date me and make me happy.”

He looked over at you with a confused look.

“Wait this whole time you haven’t even been having sex or anything.”

“Well, I had sex with 1 guy twice but that was 2 years ago.”

Wooyoung dramatically face palmed then slid his hand down his face.

“That’s insane as hell, sorry if I’m overstepping but again if you were mine, I’d be fucking you from sunup to sundown.”

Your stomach dropped again, and the thumping got more intense in your core, you were use to guys saying they would fuck you, but this felt different. Maybe it was because he was high, but Wooyoung decided to continue.

“You’d be bent over any surface I could find and when I wasn’t fucking you, I’d be treating you like how you deserve to be treated, so don’t expect anything else but what one man won’t do another is willing too.”

He finished his statement and placed his hand on your thigh, and something snapped in you, you felt like you needed this stranger, he had this effect on you that went straight to your heated core. You two finally made eye contact and you could feel the lust in his gaze, he wanted you as bad as you wanted him. You lunged forward and connected your lips with his, you lip gloss immediately spreading to his lips. He moved his hand from your thigh to your hips and gripped it gently. You two moved your head according to each other’s motions, the kiss was quickly elevated to a French kiss as you made the move to push your tongue into his mouth. You could taste the smoke that was in his mouth, and he could taste the faint taste of alcohol on yours, you both were coherent but lost in the lust you had for each other. He moved his other hand to your other hip and pulled you into his lap to straddle him, you had one leg on each side and the kiss continued. You both pulled back for air and breathed heavily.

“Are you sure you want this?”

“Yes, please take me.”

“Yes ma’am.”

He pulled the straps of your dress down, though you had rather larger breast you opted to not wear a bra that tonight, so the straps won’t show. Wooyoung continued to pull your dress down until your two mounts of flesh plopped out.

“They are so pretty Y/N.” he grabbed both, he had a boob in each hand and brushed his thumbs over your hard brown nipples, he put his soft lips onto your left nipple and sucked it lightly with his eyes closed. You dropped you head back and moaned lightly.

“How could he not appreciate these pretty boobs; I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of them.”

His praises about your body made you start to grind your hips down on him slowly. You could feel his semi-hard dick rubbing against your clothed cunt. He continued to suck your breast and flick his tongue on them. Your phone started to ring, and you looked over and saw it was Rina. You didn’t even realize you had been in this room for an hour, your friend group got back to the section to get ready to leave and noticed you weren’t there. You reached over to grab it, but Wooyoung continued to suck on your nipples like his life depended on it. You finally grabbed it and answered the call, you suppressed your moans and tried to sound like you weren’t currently dry humping a stranger in a room with his mouth on your breast.

“H-hey, what’s up?”

“Girl where did you go? The club is closing soon and everyone is getting ready to go.”

You bit your lip as Wooyoung continued to assault your breast, he removed one of his hands and went under your dress to rub your clothed pussy, the wetness had completely soaked through.

“I’m -ah- in the bathroom, I’ll be done soon.”

Rina was confused by your strange tone but continued the conversation. You moved your free hand to the back of Wooyoungs head and gripped his hair.

“Have you seen Seonghwa? We can’t find him either and he isn’t answering his phone.”

“No, I haven’t, um I’ll meet you over in the section soon.” You abruptly hung up and tossed your phone to the side.

“Aww, gotta leave me so soon pretty girl?”

He hooked his fingers into your panties, and you looked at him.

“W-we don’t have enough time…”

“Don’t worry pretty, all I need is 2 minutes.”

He laid you down on the couch and slid your panties off, he got on top of you and kissed you deeply, you thought he was going to try to fuck you quickly but instead you felt one of his fingers slide into your wet hole. You jolted and moaned into his mouth, and he leaned up, kneeling in front of your bent spread apart legs. He bit his lip and slid in another finger; you covered your mouth to suppress your moans.

“Mm don’t worry pretty, you can moan all you want in here, no one can hear us over the music, so let me hear that sexy voice.”

He glided his fingers in and out of you at a slow pace your back arched, he was going slow, yet it felt like your brain was being rewired, your pussy started to contract around his digits you already felt your orgasm on the fast track.

“Ah Wooyoung, I’m going to cum please.”

“My name sounds so good coming out of your lips baby, keep saying it.”

He started to jackhammer his fingers deeper and faster into your cunt and you gripped his veiny forearm, digging your nails into him. He knew the sting of your nails was a sign that he was hitting just the right spot. You started to say his name more and more, begging him to make you cum right there on that couch, his pace grew faster, your eyes started to roll to the back of your head, you saw white as your orgasm washed over you. You were moaning and cursing as he continued to pump his fingers into you as you came down from your high. A knock on the door brought you back to reality.

“Woo, the boss is looking for you bro, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

He slowly slid his fingers out of you and slid them into his mouth, sucking all your nectar from them.

“Damn baby you taste as good as you look, hopefully I’ll see you again Y/N.” He got up and grabbed the rest of his weed and got something off the floor and stuffed it into his pocket, he winked at you before leaving out the door. You got up and tried to get your footing, while you were fixing your hair and getting your phone you got another text from Rina and that’s when you realized you had to go. You left the room and met back up with your friend, she was there in the section alone with Hongjoong.

“Ah, there’s the missing person.” Hongjoong said in a sarcastic voice when he realized you had walked up.

“Y/N! Are you okay, I was a little scared when you didn’t reply to my messages.”

“Sorry, I was in the bathroom, one of the drinks I had made me feel a little sick.”

Rina got up and walked to you to place her hand on your back.

“Oh no Y/N, well let’s get you home so you can get some rest, okay? Baby I’ll meet you at home.”

Hongjoong nodded and stood up to leave the section, before he left, he turned to you to ask again.

“And you’re sure you weren’t with Seonghwa?”

“No. I wasn’t”

You rolled your eyes and the three of you left the club and went your separate ways. While in the car with Rina you stared out the window and watched as the buildings passed, you were thinking about what you and Wooyoung did, but you were mostly thinking about his words, for years you somewhat blamed your self for you and Seonghwas break up and often time regretted it but now you thought about how maybe Seonghwa really didn’t deserve you.

“What’s on your mind Eggy?”

You had 2 options here, lie and act like tonight never happened or tell the truth and remember the night forever.

“Nothing, I’m just tired is all.” You said switching your position because you realized Wooyoung had taken your panties.

You couldn’t bring yourself to tell your best friend that you let a complete stranger give you the best orgasm you’ve had in years. She pulled into your driveway, and you offered to let her spend the night, but she declined saying how she was excited to get back home to Hongjoong because he wanted to rip that dress she had on right off her body. You smiled at your happy and in love best friend and waved her off. You walked into your house and set the alarm while Mister followed you around panting and happy to see you. You showered and cleaned the makeup off your face, you put on one of your night dresses and laid in bed, as you were drifting off to sleep you realized something, the thumping was gone, and you were able to get a good night of rest.

….

You let Sunday brush past as doing nothing but working out and reading, then Monday rolled around. Time to get back to your usual routine, the moment you felt with Wooyoung in that room was the most you had felt in a long time, but it was time to get your head out of the clouds and get back to your day to day. Once you walked down the stairs wearing your usual skirt, stockings, button down and blazer you heard the knock on the door, you knew it would be Jonathan there to introduce you to his nephew. You opened the door and your stomach dropped; Jonathan was standing there greeting you with his warm smile with his nephew standing directly behind him on the side. You expected his nephew to be some random younger guy but no, it was none other then him, it could have been anyone else, but it wasn’t, it was Wooyoung. You both stared at each other, and it was a moment of silence.

“Ms. Y/N, this is my nephew Wooyoung, he’ll be taking over for me for a while, thank you so much for the opportunity. Wooyoung introduce yourself.”

Wooyoung smiled slyly, like a fox, his handsome face made you want to melt.

“I’m Wooyoung, I’m 25, thank you for the job.”

This was going to be one hell of a temp job.

Next Chapter Link

[anantaru]

hi!

thank you for the amazing kinktober so far, you're so consistent it's amazing! i know a lot of writers struggle during kinktober as maybe they run out of motivation or time but you've been doing really well! keep it up 💗

you have great talent and super detailed writing, which i love. however, there's some things i would like for you to think about in your future writing. this is purely constructive feedback as both a writer and a reader myself!

during many of your kinktober one shots, i felt difficulty keeping up with what i was reading due to the language you are using. i understand if english isn't your first language and it's not even about grammar or anything like that, i just find a lot of your sentences confusing.

my confusion mainly comes from the incredibly long sentences and punctuation in odd spots – let's take the wrio & neuvilette threesome as an example. the first paragraph is just one sentence. this makes it really hard to read – a good rule of thumb would be to have one idea in one sentence. the longer the sentence, the more likely you are to lose the reader halfway through because the sentence is difficult to process. using shorter sentences will also help you with the use of commas, which should act almost as like a reading pause. the flow of your stories often gets interrupted with a comma in a spot where, when reading, you wouldn't naturally pause. 

but really, i think your stories will get exponentially better if you just shorten your sentences. so instead of:

"you do realize, dear iudex." wriothesley suddenly speaks out, a masculine voice entering your system as he stops in midst his slurred sentencing, secretly wanting to be the one who's rushing his shaft into you instead because— you can feel it then, immediately notice that the man fully needed you on his own, carnally, couldn't help himself but desire you, lasciviously."

this would be easier to comprehend, whilst still having the same meaning:

"you do realize, dear iudex," wriothesley suddenly speaks out. a masculine voice entering your system as he stops in midst his slurred sentencing, secretly wanting to be the one who's rushing his shaft into you instead. because– you can feel it then, immediately notice that the man fully needed you on his own, carnally and couldn't help himself but to desire you, lasciviously."

now again, these are just my opinions and you don't need to change anything unless you want to! just wanted to give some feedback and tips for growth 💕

genuine question, but why? where did you read that i would love to get a crash course on punctuation and grammar? genuinely, why?

i don't even know what to say. you start this with flattering me, then saying you get it and it's okay my first language is not english and it's not even about my grammar, but then you decipher my entire grammar down below "for growth" 😟 what growth, my love this is fan fiction, i'm literally just writing for fun. like what did you genuinely expect me to say back? "omg thanks! sorry for having french as my mothertongue and not english 😟" + the way i write is, bingo, the way i write. i will not change it, i‘m just writing for myself and do not need feedback for "growth" the last thing i care about on here is followers and growth, wtf is even growth bye, it does not matter to me and never will. i just have fun writing on this platform and talking to my readers. this is so crazy to me, just imagine what you could've done with your precious time instead of typing this out to me.

[angel---eater]

im so curious what u mean by the vriskafication of jegbert? /genq

ive been watching the hs fandom from afar since the epilogues were dropped.

this is a rlly good question- i have a lot of thoughts and feelings abt june and how the fandom has taken to her her and is now portraying her in popular fanon. im so sorry this has gotten so long. im also sorry if i say smth you or anyone reading this disagrees with, but in my experience this is kind of inevitable when it comes to the topic of june egbert, trans characters who havent come out in canon yet, and trans headcanons as a whole. this shits personal to all of us and we all have different perspectives on transness, and oftentimes how we view transness in fiction is very much coloured by our own gendered experience.

it boils down to: can we please fucking let trans girls live. we are so fuckin weird about transfem folks and trans girls/women, even in fiction. sometimes especially in fiction, actually. especially on this gd website. if i have to see one more person defending june (and tgirl roxy) as a concept, and through that, defending real life transfems existences by talking about girldick or being a sweet docile sugary femme babygirlie kittycat, i will turn everyone into a fucking goldfish and flush you all one by one down my toilet. this, again, also extends to how a lot of the fandom handles trans headcanons in general, regardless of gender. all of what im about to say is from watching the homestuck fandom and fanon grow and change over 10+ years, basically since the beginning on this site specifically

some disclaimers for my trans resume i guess: i am intersex. i am plural. we as a system identify systemwide as transfemasuline or transneutral in an attempt to both honor and not speak over each other in terms of gender expression and individuality, while also trying to condense our existence for singlets to understand better, faster. we dont have time to explain all our shit all the time lol. we have transfems and transmascs in our system and everyone getting a fair, even chance at their preferred presentation is how we roll. we have lived a transfemasculine life. you cant put us in a single blue or pink corner, it wont work we are immune to that bullshit.

the vriskafication of june egbert is basically me trying to short-hand describe the way that ive seen some fans portray june post-transition by turning her into a mean girl[tm] type of person. there's also the roxyfication of june egbert, where other people make her a ditzy bimbo who can do no wrong because 'shes a girl now' and thats apparently how ppl still think girls should behave?? jegbert's canon personality traits need not apply anymore, apparently, bc that was icky boy behaviour. ghostbusters who? she likes shopping now. fanon june is sometimes eerily similar or exactly like vriska (fanon, woobified vriska, mind you, bc we still cant get a grasp on vriska as a fandom either) while also dressing very high femme and only high femme. because she has to perform someone elses femininity (spoiler: our own concept of what girls 'should look like' to be considered girls) instead of her dads masculinity now. shes either mean like vriska, or dumbed down like fanon roxy, who again has been watered down into a ditzy dumb girly girl who has done nothing wrong ever, bc shes 'just a girl', and bc people get Uncomfy when fictional tgirls do bad things. and oh boy has canon roxy done some bad things

as a counterpoint to my aesthetic based grievances, which are entirely personal- you can portray june egbert however you want. i personally invision her as very butch, but i could be totally wrong! im not even trying to make guesses here! this is my personal make-believe! she is not a real person and has never actually appeared as herself in canon. we dont know what junathan would/will be like during and post-transition. we dont know what an egg crack event will do to them. but some of the ways ive seen june portrayed feels........ off, personality wise. very off. and thats what i care about. it feels like malgendering in way too many cases, with the ditzy girliepop/catty girlbully thing. its straying too close to the tgirl brand of madonna/whore that tfems have to face in real life constantly. this is especially bad for tgirl roxy but i'll get to how fanon vs canon roxy is handled later

i use the word 'vriskafication' bc like vriska, june egbert (meaning tgirl jegbert, previously known as john in fandom and currently as john in canon, just to hammer it home that june and john are the same person, because some fans do seem to forget that john is living life believing shes a boy and a man right now and i dont think that should be erased) is still a pretty polarizing concept. fans either love her and disregard jegbert as ever having been john, or they disregard her as a concept in favour of how john is right now in canon. or theyre just straight up transmisogynistic about it bc they want their yaoi or their het ships. and BOY are some of the fandom not shy about that. which actually leads me into my next disclaimer:

im not including tboy/tmasc john headcanons in the above statement. i do not care about fighting over trans headcanons. i think that shit is just disrespectful and pointless and juvenial. you are fighting for nothing. june/john will not thank you for fighting for their trans rights bc they are not real and have no rights. june is not canon (yet) because she has not had that realization yet, and we dont know if/when she will. and genderbend aus have been a thing since the dawn of fandom anyway. more than one type of headcanon can exist at the same time. we are playing pretend. headcanons will never be proper representation. we are fans, not corporate entities or big directors or production teams churning out content for mass audiences. john has been considered a cis boy for FAR longer than june has been a popular concept, and you dont know how long someone has had or how close to someones heart their trans headcanon is, regardless of what flavour of trans headcanon it is. its rude. some of yall are so fucking mean for no reason other than 'you cant sit with us. on wednesdays we wear pink' rules. very intentional reference there

and i mean okay, roxy. big pink elephant in the room. no one respects or even acknowledges the fact that roxy in the Meat timeline is transmasc and currently only uses he/him, and when they do they're bullied fuckin relentlessly and ostracised from fandom spaces. ive seen entire hate campagns specifically for badmouthing transmasc roxy fans to try to get them to stop posting tmasc roxy stuff, or to see it as transmisogynistic violence akin to shooting a real trans girl live on tv. i have seen these comparisons be made on this site. ive seen others get actually violently transphobic about it back in 2019-2022, and even now. ive talked to fans who were mass dogpiled and harrassed off tumblr for liking meat!roxy's direction, or even just not publicly condemning him while having a neutral stance. i myself have been instablocked from servers and off of ppls blogs for thinking tmasc roxy is cool and a good plot point for his overall personal arc, especially in juxtaposition with roxy's pregnancy in candy, and how that affected her rship with her body and her gender. ive been called horrible things for even considering roxy to be anything but DMAB. that chapter in candy where we get a glimpse inside roxy's head about gender was beautifuly written with a lot of tact for trans people who can be or have been pregnant and enjoyed it, something that is INSANELY RARE. UNHEARD OF, EVEN, IN MEDIA. so this really isnt about trans rights or representation from my perspective. its just gendered bullying and a whole lotta white knighting from people who are majoratively not even fucking transfem.

the same notes of trans coding for roxy that fans deem only as transfem could be seen as coding for transmasculinity too. yes, including the XY thing. does anyone remember what foreshadowing is. and all of this even depends, hinges, on whether hussie intentionally wrote ANY of the human kids as trans initially or had it planned from the very beginning, which i really really really dont think she did!!! in 2009??? yeah fucking right!!!! the entire thing about roxy and jane pressuring dirk and jake into relationships is about cis girls feeling posessive of and entitled to queer boy's bodies and attention, because its something they cant have, and cis girls are seen as a group of people physically incapable of harm, which is misogyny that directly effects cis girls/womens victims. its a direct mirroring to cis boys doing the same to queer girls. and as much as i love all flavour of trans reads for the alpha kids in fandom, i dont think i wouldve appreciated it in canon. i wouldve hated it, actually. it waters down the message and makes everything far too messy and open to bad faith interpretation. we need more trans characters doing bad things in media, but the era the alpha kids section of HS1 was being published was NOT the time. an inarguably canon tgirl character preying on an inarguably queer tboy in 2011-2012? there would have been blood in the streets. i VASTLY prefer fanon interpretations when it comes to the alpha kids being trans. i trust fans way more, but i obviously still have reservations about that which is why im here writing all this

to further back this up- hussie has also openly discussed having her eyes opened to queer issues BY queer fans WHILE HS1 was still being updated!!! THATS why you can see a gradual influx of genuine queerness in homestuck as you read it!!! the vagueness of the trans coding we percieve in the text is why tboy john is still so popular!!! WAY more trans experiences, especially in childhood, are more similar than The Current Discourse bad actors will try to have you believe. please dont believe them, they're not right in the head and the ppl trying to convince you that someone has it The Absolute Worst are lying to you. we all have it bad, thats how oppressive systems work. its just in different patterns for indiviuduals. a middle class trans persons oppression can and often will look VASTLY different to a poor trans persons oppression bc different axis of oppression are at work. it depends on the type of person our oppressors label us as, they dgaf if anyone identifies as TME or TMA. thats a little beside the point but its absolutely contributed to how fans treat fictional trans characters, especially in the last few years

i hate hate hate the ideology in this fandom that one trans interpretation or headcanon is more valuable, or hits harder, or is more idk narratively transcendient or powerful than The Other, so The Other is deemed boring/bland/sauceless/whatever and deserves all the hate and takedowns and dismantling and nitpicking it gets. the fans of this Other Trans Headcanon deserve their hate and calls to kill themselves because theyre just Wrong About It. but thats not true. none of that is true. you just dont vibe with other flavours of fanmade trans narrative. and thats completely fine actually. its literally like preferring carrot cake to raspberry pie. it is on that level outside of transphobic biases, and i sincerely believe that a lot of fans start out on that level, but dip into transphobic biases because of the constant fucking weird moral panic about trans girls, and by extension, young trans people as a whole. which is not fine. whats also not fine is attacking fans of trans characters over said trans characters gender, canon or interpreted!!!

to tie this tf up bc i dont want this to go on for any longer than it has, im so so SO SO SO tired of fanon june and roxy being trans girls first and foremost over their actual characterization. and im even MORE tired of the word 'girl' being taken in fiction to mean dumb, sweet, (white)feminine, wouldnt hurt a fly, so so cuddlysoft, girlboss it up girlfriend, you cant sit with us, im such a cool bitch, im cooler than you dumb gross boy because im a girl, what personality i dont have one i dont need one because im a girl.

so much of fandom has forgotten that roxy is fucking mean and WILL ignore whatever doesnt fit her whims/wants and will plow through her closest friends and loved ones regardless of the situation at hand because of what she wants. she canonically admitted to harrassing dirk on the daily because she wanted him, because she was lonely and couldnt see past her own hurt to see that she was also hurting her friend. and oh my god, mom lalonde, worlds first abscent mother who swears up and down that she loves you really, rosie posie, its just that mommy's real hungover again and also very busy. that is BRILLIANT characterization for a female character, and its been forgotten behind the big pink bedazzled neon ITS A GIRL sign. and the same has been happening with june!!! and it sucks!!!! us transfems are just people we are JUST people. i dont want trans girl characters only point of characterization to be trans and girls!!!! i dont want talking heads and perfect cardboard cutouts in lipstick!!!! when june happens i want her to be exactly the same as when she was john because thats who i became enamoured with in HS1 and thats who i watched grow up in the epilogues and THATS who i want to see finally find their place in paradox space as herself. i want her personality intact, and i dont want to see her forget or turn her back on her childhood and teen and young adult years. i dont want june to be fanon vriskafied

[bluedalahorse]

A highly incomplete introduction to AuDHD for YR fans who want to write more Sara Eriksson

Greetings, friends! In my time in the Young Royals fandom, I’ve seen a few people mention they were interested writing Sara but they didn’t know how to approach her neurodivergence, or that they find it intimidating. I figured it might be worth compiling a post where I share both ADHD and autism resources I’ve found helpful, as well as elements of my personal experience I draw on when writing Sara.

This post is by no means exhaustive, and I could probably say a lot more. But I figured I’d get it out there in case it was helpful to anyone else.

Part One: Resources and Such

Yo Samdy Sam is an AuDHD vlogger who talks about her experiences, and I find her video about how autism and ADHD show up together pretty informative. Since Sara is both it’s good to have a grasp on these nuances! Yo Samdy Sam’s other videos are also ones I’d recommend.

I’m autistic, now what? is also a good channel to check out for someone talking about their day to day experiences of autism. Her videos are a little longer, but she focuses often on how things have changed from her childhood to her adulthood, which can be helpful if you’re thinking about Sara at different ages/writing flashbacks/working on fic set in the future/etc.

Chloe Hayden, who stars in another teen drama called Heartbreak High, is both autistic and ADHD, and very fun and positive. She presents quite differently than Sara does—lots more talking and energy—but I think she’s a good example of every neurodivergent person presenting differently. Also, people should watch Heartbreak High and write me some fic where Sara and Quinni meet because I want it.

How to ADHD is mostly geared toward practical life skills when you’ve got ADHD, but it doesn’t neglect the way those interact with emotional well-being. Sara might try some of these strategies while working on her school work and chores, either because an adult recommended she do so or because it’s part of a system she worked out for herself. Also, the videos are perfectly designed for ADHD brains, and i have acquired many ways to self-accommodate by watching them.

Jessie Gender is autistic and does commentary about lots of nerdy things and trans rights. I really liked her video on The Queen’s Gambit where she talks about autistic girls and sex. If you’re planning to write spicer fic about Sara (which people should write more of imo) then Jessie might be a good resource!

Marieke Nijkamp is a multiply disabled author, and one of her disabilities is autism. I still have to get around to reading her novel length books but her short story “Better For All the World” made me cry and is one of my formative sargust mentor texts. I really recommend it if you can get a hold of the anthology The Radical Element. (Although, heads up, the story deals with the Buck v Bell case of 1927, which is difficult subject matter.)

Disability in Kidlit has some great resources on writing autistic characters from a craft perspective. If you’re going to write specifically from Sara’s point of view, or even if you’re not, it’s worth reading this article about the autistic voice in fiction and this article about humanizing autistic characters. Other articles on the site are also great!

I’m going to talk more about my personal experiences under the cut below…

Part 2: My personal experiences & takeaways

Sooooo if you’ve met one AuDHD person, you’ve met one AuDHD person. I can’t really claim to speak for all AuDHD people, and I’ve only recently gotten my diagnosis anyway. That said, a lot of my own personal experience colors how I write Sara. So in the interest of transparency, I’ve gone ahead and listed some of the things I’ve thought about when I write her.

An important note before I get started—this is not, actually, meta or analysis of the show. I’m not trying to tell you want I “really” think is going on with Sara Eriksson, or what the writers intended, or what the show is saying. You may read her differently, and I’m sure your interpretation is just as informed by your own experiences as mine. So please don’t take this as a criticism if your interpretation is different.

What I am explaining here instead are the ways that my personal experiences as an AuDHD person have influenced my perception of Sara, which in turn translates to how I’ve made sense of her storyline and written her in fanfic. None of these are “excuses,” but they are explorations. You can look at it as me examining my own thinking and writing process. I’m also opening up about some of my experiences and being a little bit vulnerable. If you have questions about any of these things below, or you want to know more for your own fic, you are always welcome to message me. I may not be able to get back to you right away but I can help however I am able. There are also some things I might feel more comfortable discussing in depth one-on-one, so direct messages might be better in that case, too.

Anyway, let’s begin…

Polarized strengths and weaknesses: In my own experience as an AuDHD person there are some pretty dramatic contrasts between what I’m good at and what I suck at. I’m in the 99% percentile in some skills and the 2% percentile in others. This adds up to stuff like, I read the Sherlock Holmes stories for the first time when I was eight and Les Misérables when I was eleven, but I cannot drive a car or learn a choreographed dance no matter how hard I try. This is inexplicable to some people because they’re like, omg but you know all these advanced words! Surely if you can’t drive a car, it’s just because you aren’t trying hard enough! Likewise I think it makes sense to write Sara with a spiky profile of her own, and have characters react to that accordingly.

Perceptions of maturity: AuDHD adults aren’t children. AuDHD teenagers aren’t children either. And yet part of ableism is the infantilization of AuDHD people. I don’t have a lot of huge narrative squicks, but this is one of them, and it’s rooted in frustrations I’ve had over people treating me like I’m still a child. I always write Sara as the age she’s intended to be in the fic. If I see fanfic scenes or headcanon scenarios where someone is treating Sara like she’s five, and that’s spun as positive or never questioned, it can make me really upset and it’s an immediate back button. This is something I would recommend writers be on the lookout for if they’re incorporating Sara into a scene. Maybe this one bullet point is spinning a little far into criticism of other folks, but I think if I could communicate one thing to other people writing Sara, this would be it.

Special interests/hyperfixations: The thing about special interests is that autistic people often turn to them to replenish their energy and get their nervous systems back to a state of equilibrium. (For instance, me writing this post right now about my blorbo Sara Eriksson is me engaging with a special interest to put my nervous system in a state of equilibrium and put energy back in my body.) Sara’s time spent with Rousseau isn’t just wonderful because she loves horses, it’s also something that’s probably helping her recharge after a complicated day of navigating social situations at Hillerska. This is why she panics at the thought of losing Rousseau. Now, there’s still issues here in that Rousseau isn’t actually Sara’s horse. And I do think many teenage and adult autistics with low support needs, like Sara, understand that they can’t engage with their special interests all the time. But in order to write and understand Sara, I have to understand that she’s counting on Rousseau and horses more generally as something that helps her self-regulate and stay grounded. (In Heart and Homeland I also added art as one of her hyperfixations, so she often draws to recharge and make sense of things.)

Alexithymia: Alexithymia is essentially a trait people can have where they struggle to read their own emotions. It’s pretty common in autistic people and other neurodivergent folk; I have a mild version of it. For me, tuning into my emotions is a bit like trying to figure out what song is playing on a staticy radio. I might have to wait and “mess with the dial” a bit before I can fully understand what I’m feeling in a given situation. The question “how are you?” is a bit of a nightmare for me sometimes. Because my alexithymia is mild, I usually can figure out what I’m feeling in time, but I still often need extra effort to discern the nuances. I tend to apply this trait to Sara when I write her, mostly because she seems to need to sit with her feelings to understand how they’re affecting her. This is most evident when she’s trying to figure out if she like-likes August, though it comes out in other ways, too. Sara might just need a lot of time to process her emotions. Even when she’s showing her emotions and in them, they might take a lot of time to leave her system, and she might not catch on to how they’re affecting her right away. In Heart and Homeland, part of the reason Sara keeps a diary in the first place is so she can sort through what she’s feeling.

Heightened empathy: There’s an old stereotype that autistic people don’t have any empathy. This is not true, and some autistics even have an excess of empathy. I would argue that Sara (at least the way I interpret and write her) is one of them. This may seem counterintutive to some, as I have seen people argue that she is insufficiently empathetic to Simon and/or Linda. I see it differently, however. In my own experience, having an excess of empathy doesn’t always mean that I come across as loving and sweet to the people in my life. Sometimes it can make it so you’re so full of feelings toward others that you can’t act. I often function clumsily in conflicts, and feel like I’m caught between different parties, especially if it’s a situation where everyone appears to be hurting. It’s enough to make me shut down and not do anything, or even side with the person who to everyone else is obviously wrong. Especially when I was a teenager, the answer about “who to side with” in a conflict wasn’t always clear to me. For instance, in college, I dated a girl who constantly belittled me and many of my friends, and I let her get away with it because I was sensitive to the ways she was genuinely hurting about life. I am not proud of it now, and I did break up with her eventually and made efforts to patch things up with my friends when I could, but it also took me two and a half years to get there. Thanks to life experience and therapy, I am now better at recognizing red flags and overriding my excess empathy to call people out on their shit when they need it. It took me time, though, and I can’t help reading a lot of that into Sara. In a way, I tend to think her hope that August will own up to his actions is born out of heightened empathy for both August and Simon. She pins her hopes on this solution because, in her mind, it meets Simon’s needs because the person who harmed him has come forward and is willing to be held accountable for his actions and it meets August’s needs because he can find relief in owning up to his shit and stop drowning in regret. Now, yes, Sara is absolutely misleading herself and ignoring crucial details of the situation because she’s in love, and she does misread what Simon actually needs in the situation. This is very typically teenage. At the same time, when I write her in fic, I see this as tied to an excess of empathy, and not a lack of it.

Inertia/Executive Functioning Struggles: Building on what was said above… some AuDHD people (like myself) can really struggle with making a plan and getting started on tasks, and the bigger the task, the bigger the struggle. “Tasks” is a word we usually apply to things like doing laundry, so we tend to think of executive functioning as an unemotional thing, but it can also apply to emotional stuff like, say, having a big conversation that needs to be had or breaking up with someone you know you need to. (Like I said above. Two and a half years with that shitty person in college!) In fact, I would say inertia can even make things harder with social/emotional stuff, because math homework is at least consistently math homework, but social/emotional situations can shift and become more complicated over time. At Hillerska, we see Sara get involved in ever-shifting social politics, and it takes things escalating to the field scene for her to take action at the end of S2. (In a more minor example, Sara taking a while to get ready in the parents’ weekend episode, and Linda rushing her out the door, is a great example of Sara being affected by inertia.)

Menstrual ick: Increasing numbers of studies show that people with uteruses who have ADHD, autism, or both are way more likely to have painful periods and PMDD. This is true for me—one of the biggest signs that my period is coming is that I am absolutely convinced everyone hates me. I don’t know how to apply this to Sara directly, but periods are part of life and if you happen to write about her dealing with menstrual nonsense, this might be something to keep in mind.

Sensory issues: A lot of people are aware of sensory issues for neurodivergents, and every neurodivergent experiences sensory issues differently, and not always in ways that are immediately apparent to neurotypicals. For me, I hate vacuums and car horns and bananas, but for my roommate, she hates any lights on after 7 PM and finds chocolate overwhelming. Sara doesn’t mention any particular sensory issues, but presumably she has some and masks her reactions, so uh… make up the ones that make sense to you, I guess. Or, don’t make them up, but maybe read about a bunch of different people’s experiences of sensory issues and work from there. External stuff like being tired, sick, or being on one’s period can heighten sensory issues, so think about vulnerability factors that might increase them for Sara.

Rejection sensitivity: Many people with ADHD feel rejection or criticism from others with a high level of intensity, even as physical pain. (Fun fact: PMS makes my rejection sensitivity even worse!) I don’t know if we see Sara feeling rejection sensitivity onscreen much in YR, but I can’t help but imagine she’s dealt with it in the past, based on the way she says she sometimes feels like the worst person in the world, when she’s talking to August in 2.3. If Sara’s had therapy (which I assume she’s had in some form because she knows breathing exercises) then maybe this is something she’s worked on coping strategies.

Accommodations in school: I don’t actually know how this works in Sweden specifically or at a school like Hillerska, but I’d love to hear how it works! Someone else should weigh in if they know things. But I would not be surprised if Sara has the legal right to certain accommodations in school such as extended time on tests, guided notes, etc. (Not being Swedish myself, I’m not sure what the equivalent to the Americans With Disabilities Act would be in Sweden.) One thing to note here is that Sara would get to decide herself whether she actually uses her accommodations or not. I would say, based on my observations of teenagers, is that some neurodivergent teenagers tend not to use their accommodations so they can avoid sticking out among their peers. This seems like it might be the case for Sara, since she wants to make friends at Hillerska and not stand out. The other thing she might encounter at Hillerska specifically is teachers who don’t want to meet those accommodations because they’re “old school” and, frankly, ableist. Accommodations are something one should take into account when writing Sara’s academic life, though.

Double empathy problem: This is something that the psych community is talking about more lately, and essentially the idea here is that neurotypicals communicate best with other neurotypicals whereas neurodivergents communicate best with other neurodivergents. That doesn’t mean both groups can’t communicate with one another (and even reducing it to two groups is kind of oversimplifying things, because obviously culture and other things impact communication too) but there are different patterns of communication at work here. In my own life, I vibe well with people whose neurotypes are similar to mine—this is exactly why @coruscantrhapsody and I are such iconic roommates. The Double Empathy Problen is theorized to have played a role in stereotypes about autistic people not having any empathy. (PS: I don’t actually think August has undiagnosed ADHD in canon, at least not according to the writers. Still, I think it would be pretty interesting to write him in fanfiction as someone who has a missed childhood diagnosis given the way he struggles with rejection sensitivity, impulsivity, and emotion regulation, and the way that the adderall addiction could be a form of self-medication that has gone awry. For that reason I think it’d be interesting to see a fic where the sargust relationship is viewed through the lens of the double empathy problem. Obviously not in a way where the ADHD excuses August’s harmful behaviors, but you know. An added layer of delicious nuance. Alternately, I know some folks like to headcanon Wille as autistic. Sara really clicking with autistic!Wille when they finally get a chance to talk is something I’d like to see!)

Neurodivergent community: As far as I can tell, Sara doesn’t really have neurodivergent community. This makes me sad, as someone who strongly benefits from friendships with other neurodivergent people. I would like her to have some in someone’s fic, please! Let me know if you write it.

That’s all for now… maybe I’ll add more in a future post.

For any other AuDHDers, do you have any elements of your personal experience that you incorporate into how you interpret or write Sara’s character? Feel free to reblog and add on, if you feel so inclined. (But also, no pressure.) Like I said, every ND person experiences this stuff differently, so someone else may have completely different experiences than me.

[maircries]

So if there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I abhor AI

And I mean this in every way possible. Chat GPT? AI art? Garbage. AI to do maths is on thin fucking ice. Fictional AI? Despise it. God forbid the day we are faced with a conscious AI system, and I struggle to appreciate and sympathize with conscious AI characters. Which has been a really interesting feeling to have now that I’m really immersed in podcasts and podcast fandoms, because it feels like a LOT of podcasts have AI characters.

The weirdest thing about this for me, however, has been the realization of how okay I am with other forms of higher intelligence.

This thought process was brought on by thinking of the Penumbra Podcast (my friend is mid-season 2 and I was having Thoughts), how viscerally I hated the THEIA from the moment Juno accepted the eye compared to how much I adore the Ruby.

My whole basis for despising conscious AI is that I have zero faith that there is a world where an AI system “wakes up” and humanity survives. But how different is an unknown alien consciousness from an AI consciousness? At the end of the day, what will be our undoing is a lack of, for better wording, humanity in these opposing consciousnesses. And that really did get me thinking about why I feel so strongly about the one and not the other.

If there was a podcast I had anticipated changing my mind on AI as characters or potentially awakened AI, all evidence seemed to point to Wolf 359 and Hera. Which, yeah, I did generally enjoy and empathize with Hera as a character, but I struggled to actually like her. She would form relationships and have moments that were so very human, but then I’d remember that she’s not, and it always put me off. So after finishing Wolf 359 and not being turned on AI, I assumed I would always remain firm in my opinions.

Then I listened to Moonbase Theta: Out, and things started to click for me. We are introduced to an “artificial consciousness” (rather than AI) named Tumnus. Not only are we introduced, we actually get to watch her journey into waking up. This is where my feelings started to make sense. Moonbase Theta: Out is similar to Wolf 359 in that a large part of the narration happens through a communications officer, one who is so painfully human and obviously there just to do a job. Tumnus “wakes up” during a period of time in which her only contact is with comms officer Roger, who only wants to get home to his husband and reads and writes poetry. Tumnus grows and learns to be “human” through one of the most objectionably human characters; through someone who believes wholeheartedly in love and dependence on one another and humanity. Should Tumnus have developed in the presence of her creator or, god forbid, the corporations, she would have become a very different person and I would have despised her.

I think characters like Hera unsettle me not because they are inhumane or unknowable, but rather because we know the people they were developed by. Sure, Dr. Pryce took steps to cut Hera down, but she still attempted at least once in her early life to achieve consciousness, and she even, despite being very comfortable with the inhabitants of the station and having close personal relationships with most of them, attempted to see if she had the capabilities to hack the systems that could kill them, just because she was curious. I think there’s a direct correlation between her surroundings as she developed and the actions she took.

Which really makes me think about what I dislike so much about AI and conscious AI systems. I always thought it was because I had no faith in our ability to develop something with a conscious that wouldn’t turn around and immediately bite us in the ass. This is where my feelings of other alternate higher consciousnesses ties in: I don’t immediately fear and assume the worst of other alien intelligences because I have no reason to assume they were developed in a manner that would lead to inherent harm to humanity. Sure, it’s terrifying in the sense that any unknown element is terrifying, but it’s honestly comparable to the idea that anyone with a bad home environment could become a serial killer. There’s nothing anyone not in the immediate impact zone can do to change the situation. Alien intelligence in reality and character in real life are just a thing that exists that we have no impact over. I despised the idea of an artificial conscious because I believed that we would immediately fuck it up by sticking our fingers in it.

Tumnus made me realize that it’s not a fear of humanity’s capabilities, or a lack of faith in humanity in general. Quite the contrary actually; I think that a conscious AI that developed in the presence of a random, normal person actually would be capable of coexisting with humanity. What makes conscious AI so terrifying to think about is the fact that those AI wouldn’t develop with your average Joe. They would develop and learn from a creator and whatever capitalist billionaire or government had the most money to be there. They would learn from the smallest and worst class of people that humanity has to offer, and thus we would see the fall of society to AI.

This is a 2am tangent that wouldn’t let me sleep, so thanks for entertaining me if you got this far. It was just a fascinating realization to have as someone who really is so staunchly against artificial intelligence in general, conscious or not. And it was refreshing to realize that I do actually still have hope for humanity as a whole, no longer excluding the potential for conscious creation.

Who said fiction podcasts weren’t worthwhile?