functionalasfuck

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It probably took John a while to realize that Yelena and Ava don’t fully mean it when they make fun of him. But he finally figures it out when he invites some of his old army buddies to the tower.

Yelena and Ava are giddy at the thought of teasing John in front of his stupid military friends- but they never get the chance. His army buddies beat them to it, and there’s nothing good-natured about the way they’re mocking him.

So they start laying into them, subtly at first, hitting them with insults twice as cutting every time they make an underhanded jab at John. Eventually it escalates into a fight, and they all run away with their tails between their legs after Yelena and Ava kick their asses without even getting up from the couch. John is furious at them until Ava tells him that they were treating him like shit and Yelena mutters that “only we get to talk to you like that.” Then suddenly John is all smiles, because he finally realizes that they bully him out of love.

John becomes insufferable after that, responding to every single insult with “you like me” in a singsong voice. Yelena and Ava bully him extra hard because of it, but they never deny it.

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I was just being nice, is that a crime now?

The Bats were scared when they learned of the Jokers newest obsession. A young man, he owned his own little repair shop at the edge of Crime Alley. Jason told them about the man, Danny, who liked repairing things or tinkering with them and letting people pay whatever they felt most comfortable with.

"His Godfather is a billionaire apparently. Gus heard them talk one day, Danny seems to take the guys money but won't spend it on fancy shit."

So they watched, they stalked, they researched and found out about Danny. What made the Joker so obsessed? Steph was the one finding the video, she was watching tiktoks with Cass. And there was a video from a baffled gothamite in a shop, the Joker entered, starting his spiel, then Danny entered.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" Joker looked at Danny.

"How about I make it up to you, here take my pastry. I can just get another one." Danny smiled and gave the Joker a pat on his shoulder, then left. Joker held the bag with unidentified pastry.

And then they found footage of the Joker, always near Danny, stalking him. He seemed to not want to do anything to the guy, but he kept looking. And then they saw what had started the investigation. Someone tried to mug Danny.

Danny smiled and pulled out all his cash from his wallet to give the guy. "Take it, looks like you need it more."

Bruce was getting flashbacks, desperately trying not to see his father hand over his wallet to his soon-to-be murderer.

The mugger took the cash and ran off, Danny kept going on his way, the Joker met the mugger just two blocks down. The mugger was still laughing, Joker took the money and broke into Danny's shop, leaving it with a note on the register.

Again, again and again they found footage of people trying something, Danny letting them go with no worry and the Joker seemingly getting revenge.

"Do you think he's in some twisted kind of love?"

"Ew, never say anything again Timbit!"

Danny was nice, the Joker was obsessed and at some point Harley met Danny, hugged him and slipped something into his pocket before she left, Danny waved her goodbye.

Babs eventually found a camera feed with the Joker talking about Danny to one of his goons.

"He is to not be touched! His world is sugar and candy, no spice! Look at Gotham trying to corrupt him and yet! And yet! He keeps being nice. Ahahahaha! Brilliant! A shining star in Gothams smog!"

Whatever this new obsession was, it was still dangerous and they were going to get the clown back to Arkham. They should probably make sure they kept an eye on Danny, just in case something happened.

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I am cackling, no wonder dad almost jumped a back flip at his words.

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Dannys at Wayne enterprise because his parents want to submit their inventions and "scientific" discoverys for official review. He's bored out of his mind and meets this beautiful girl his age and strikes up a conversation with her. (Or he meets a girl and starts to rant like his father.)

Danny: im just saying Orphan has to be a vampire!

????(cass): No.

Danny: Are you kidding me? She moves with far to much elegance and grace to be mortal. Credit to the other bats but they move like mortals. She dances around both rogues and vigilantes!

????(cass): *blushing* No vampire.

Danny: ok maybe not a vampire but like a shadow demon or dhamphir or something! She's to much!

????(cass): orphan. Is. good. What about others?

Danny: oh! stabby robin and red hood are top tier obviously!

????(cass): oh?

Danny: well yeah! Stabby robin practices the art of the sword, a forgotten art in modern times. And red hood shoots pedophiles! Who doesn't like that?

????(cass): Batman.

Danny: well that says something about batman doesn't it. Have you seen the first Robin's outfit? Oof!

*in cass's ear*: Red Robin here. Good job on keeping danny distracted orphan. We're in the process of arresting Danny's parents. Can you keep it up?

????(cass): mhmm. Hey. Cute boy. Take me out to lunch?

Danny: Oh! Yeah! My parents will take hours explaining everything anyway, But uhm. What's your name?

????(cass): call me cass. This is a date, Yes?

Danny: *blushing* oh, uhm, yes. I'm Danny by the way.

Cass: Danny very cute.

Red robin: uhm? You don't have to do that orphan. Hello? ...Please don't make me explain this to B. Orphan?

Batman: Follow. Them.

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"what if you regret it" what if I don't?

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best thing tumblr ever did for me is the term "rotating it in my mind". it's really true that sometimes you think about something real hard but you can't tell what the thoughts are exactly. it's revolutionary stuff, i might even say

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i will never complain about a book seeming like a fanfic with the serial numbers filed off because that means the author had the invaluable ability to tell when their au had diverged enough that these were just straight-up different characters now

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underrated funny part of system collapse is murderbot repeatedly being like 'no one knows wtf three wants to do ever because three doesn't know how to want things yet' but most of three's narration in network effect was 'i want to rescue murderbot. i want to do a good job rescuing murderbot. i hope i get a good grade in rescuing murderbot. i want to rescue murderbot so bad that im going to attempt to talk a terrifying murderous spaceship out of its plan for a planetary bombardment' mb just consistently says the most blatantly wrong shit about everyone it's ever met lmao

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youre not yaoiful at all

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Read a fucking comic man

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(me, my parents, my sister, and the baby are sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch)

baby, pointing at the light fixture over the table and signing "on": o.*

my sister: we actually can't turn that light on right now, because the lightbulb inside is burnt out! it needs a new one.

baby: ighbu.

sister: yes, lightbulb! granddaddy said after we eat he's going to climb up there on a ladder and change it, and then the light will come on!

baby: gadada! adda, uuu! ighbu o!

sister: exactly!

baby, signing "on" and pointing at the light and then my dad, with increasing urgency: GADADA ADDA UUUU. O.

my sister: we're going to finish eating first though, ok?

baby: nonono. O. gadada adda uuu.

[a split second goes by]

baby, pointing to himself: ba. adda uuu. ighbu.

me: you're going to climb the ladder and change the lightbulb yourself?

baby: dzyeah. *pointing to the buckle where he is buckled into the high chair* ububu.

me: unbuckle you? so you can change the lightbulb?

baby, highly businesslike: dzyeah.

*pronounced like "on" without the n