#bc you knew and understood how tired I was yesterday and just let it happen so I could rest a little bit???

[scienceandshitpostsdaily]

I just want to let all my friends know how much I love and appreciate them and how happy I am to have people like them in my life. I truly could not do it without them and every day with them is a gift. I have the best friends on the planet honestly.

[pyrodolls]

this isn’t paw-some… (bi-han, tomas x gn reader)

warnings: slight angst to comfort in both, established relationship in bi-han's, slight spoilers for mk1 story mode, gender neutral reader

summary: bi-han and tomas vrbada somehow turned into animals! but you have no idea it's them, so you end up telling them a secret... (both separate)

a/n: heyyy so um i had no idea what to write yesterday bc i hated every draft i had but i FINALLY got this one done. idk why but i'm in a phase where i hate everything i write. thanks for your patience guys!

bi-han

bi-han woke up to his bedsheets completely engulfing him. in confusion, he tried pulling them aside, but it barely moved an inch.

“what is this…?” he tried mumbling, but instead it came out sounding like the meows of a cat.

in a panic, he immediately rolled out of his bedsheets and tried to stand up, but his legs weren't strong enough to hold him up.

in fact, he didn't even have his legs anymore. he had little legs and paws.

this had to be a nightmare. there's no way he just woke up as a cat. fortunately, he happened to have a day off. but he still had many questions. why did he wake up as a cat? is this a permanent change?

but he knew there was no need to stress. bi-han needed to chill out. panicking doesn't solve anything. he must find you, surely you can recognize him immediately.

first, he must learn to walk as a cat. walking on all fours felt so strange to him, especially because his new paws were so sensitive to the hard, wooden floors. but he can get used to it for now.

you heard a quiet scratching noise at your door. thinking someone probably just accidentally brushed up against your door, you ignored it. until you heard it again. and again. louder each time.

you groaned, getting up and opening the door to a cute black cat.

"oh hello there! what are you doing in a place like this?" you giggled, immediately picking it up and petting it gently.

the cat purred in contentment, and rubbed its head against your hand.

while bi-han enjoyed the close proximity to you, he still needed to find out how to let you know *he* is the cat you are holding.

"i wonder if bi-han would approve of you wandering around." you sighed.

bi-han meowed as loud as he could, tapped on your chest with his little paw, then pointed towards himself. he hoped you understood what he was trying to say.

"it looks like you're trying to stretch. maybe we can go for a walk?" you offered, setting him down.

'this is gonna take a while.' bi-han thought. for now, all he could do was grumpily walk beside you.

-

"...and then, bi-han told me he was too busy for a night out. i understand that he's the grandmaster and stuff, but i just wish i could spend more time with him. you know?" you ranted to the cat walking beside you, *still* unaware it was bi-han himself.

he listened intently to what you had to say. it was true, he was very busy most of the time and couldn't spend much time with you. but he had no idea it was affecting you this much. once he turns human again, he'll make sure to fix the problem.

after an hour or so of walking around, you finally got tired and walked back to your home. once you reached your bedroom, you picked up the cat you spent your day with and placed it on your bed.

"i hope you don't have any diseases, that wouldn't be very good for me." you laughed nervously, as you climbed into bed next to the cat.

bi-han looked at you in annoyance and scrunched his little nose as if you just called him something offensive.

"anyways, goodnight little one. i hope we can find your owner tomorrow. if not, i can take care of you! as long as bi-han allows it..." you trailed off. "in fact, i'm really scared of displeasing him.."

bi-han's ears perked up at what you said. why would you be so scared of pleasing him? is he so intimidating that he even makes his significant other frightened?

"i mean, it's not like he's aggressive or anything, i just don't want to disappoint him. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells around him. if i say the wrong thing, he would think i'm unworthy of being with him. sometimes... i'm not sure if he really loves me. if he really loved me, he would put more effort into spending time with me... right?" you whispered, as a small tear escaped from your eye.

bi-han's heart broke a bit when he heard that. he knows that he is a bit.. judgemental. but he never meant to make you feel unloved.

he crawled up to you and licked your tear away. he hoped that it would make you feel a bit better about your situation. he made a mental note to talk to you as soon as he was human again. the last thing bi-han wanted to do was hurt you. even after all the people he has betrayed, hurt, and even killed... you were the only person he never wished to harm.

he cuddled up beside you and made himself comfortable. surely a bit of physical touch would make you feel better? it's not like he has been doing that in his human form anyway.. which he notes to fix soon.

soon you both drifted off to sleep peacefully, with bi-han curled up comfortably in your arms.

the next morning, you woke up to bi-han sleeping right next to you. when did he get there?

“bi-han?” you whispered.

when he woke up, he immediately checked his arms and legs. thankfully, he was human again.

“good morning, beloved. how did you sleep?” bi-han asked, strangely casual even though he magically appeared in your bed.

“i slept.. fine. but i had a cat with me. it was a cute little black cat, it showed up at my door out of nowhere yesterday. it was kind of grumpy, but it listened to me when i ranted to it. it kind of reminded me of you.” you giggled.

“about that…” bi-han sighed. “…i have some explaining to do.”

tomas vrbada

tomas had invited you to madam bo’s for dinner, and he was planning on confessing his feelings to you there. but unfortunately, he couldn't exactly make it.

he accidentally fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized he was late. he immediately got up from his bed and tried standing up, but he couldn't stand on his two legs anymore. because his legs were now full of fur, and he had paws.

this could not be happening. the first time he gained the courage to make a move and ask you out, he ends up turning into a dog.

he had to find a way to get to you and do something. what if you think he stood you up on purpose?

-

you were sitting at a table at madam bo's, waiting for tomas to arrive. you get that he's probably busy, so you were being very patient and decided to wait a bit. but you were sitting there for so long, the place was going to close soon.

you were about to get up and leave, until a golden retriever dog ran up to you with its tail wagging intensely.

it didn't have a collar, so it seemed to be a random stray dog that took a liking to you. but it also seemed so well-behaved, how could it be a stray?

tomas was relieved to see that you were still at the restaurant. he felt bad that he made you wait for nothing, but at least that was a sign that you cared about him.

"oh, hello there. what could you be doing in a place like this?" you greeted, petting the dog in front of you.

tomas felt a bit strange getting petted by you, but it somehow felt really good.

"i was waiting for someone, but he never came..." you sighed. "this place is about to close. maybe you can accompany me while i walk home?"

tomas didn't hesitate to walk beside you, but he couldn't help but feel extremely guilty for wasting your time. he'll find a way to make up for it.

-

"i know he's a busy guy, but wouldn't he know if he couldn't make it today? i kind of got myself all dressed up for nothing.." you admitted, opening up to the loyal dog that never strayed from your side throughout your walk.

tomas's heart broke when he heard how you felt. if only he was human at that moment, he would've been apologizing profusely and trying to make you feel better.

"i really, really like him. i think he's so kind, fun, and he has always cared about me. i was so excited to go on this date with him, because i thought that maybe it was a sign that he liked me back. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that he was probably just busy, but what if he just doesn't actually care about me?" you sighed.

tomas whimpered in response, feeling extremely guilty about hurting you. he never meant to make you feel that way.

"i don't know if you are sad for me or if you're just hungry.. but you're a good listener. you remind me a lot of tomas..." you mumbled, feeling appreciated by your little companion.

-

once you arrived to your house, tomas felt very creepy. he was walking around your bedroom, looking at the little trinkets you have and sniffing around. he couldn't help it, it's like he had an instinct to snoop around your living space now that he was a dog.

"i'm really tired... stay here, and i'll find you some kind of blanket to sleep on. i have to put on my pyjamas first, though." you said, silently regretting that you wasted such a good outfit to be stood up.

when you returned to tomas, he was still sitting in your bedroom and patiently waiting. you laid out a blanket for him, and then you crawled into your own bed.

"goodnight. hopefully i can find your owner tomorrow, if you have one. even though you probably can't understand me and i'm just talking to myself.." you mumbled, rolling over and going to sleep.

tomas tried to think of a way to make it up to you when he was human again. he felt so guilty for hurting you. he hoped you didn't lose feelings for him, it would make him feel even worse if you did.

-

the next morning, you woke up and you were expecting to see the same golden retriever from last night sleeping on the floor.

instead, you looked down and saw tomas himself peacefully asleep on your floor, wearing nothing but a blanket over his privates.

you immediately pinched yourself. this had to be a dream. you had so many questions. what happened with the dog? did tomas break in while you were sleeping?

"tomas?" you whispered.

he slowly opened his eyes, and he let out a sigh of relief as soon as he saw he had his regular body back.

but that sense of accomplishment faded as soon as he noticed that he was pretty much naked on your bedroom floor.

"good morning..." tomas greeted awkwardly.

"good morning." you replied, trying to look respectfully.

you both stood in awkward silence for a solid minute before you finally spoke up.

"so.. what brings you here... naked...?" you asked.

tomas blushed. "well..."

-

"so.. you were the dog from last night?" you questioned.

"yeah. i'm sorry for uh.. you know, turning into a dog and accidentally leaving you alone on that date." tomas apologized.

"did you hear everything i said last night?" you said quietly, embarrassed that you practically poured your heart out to him without knowing it.

"i did. i am still so sorry that i hurt you. i'll make it up to you, i promise. i'll take you out for dinner again, but i'll show up this time. and i'll pay the bill!" he offered.

hell yeah, free food. who could resist that? you instantly agreed to his offer and you had hope that the date would go well this time, and then maybe you two can become something more.

"great! i'll go get ready right now!"

"tomas, you have hours to get ready, there is no need to rush. and you're still naked, by the way." you sighed.

[krreader]

diamond maknae | realizations.

pairing: min yoongi x diamond maknae!reader fandom: bts warnings: 8th member of bts!reader ; maknae!reader ; sex ; language  genre: smut ; fluff ; angst word count: 1.8k+

summary: this was bound to happen eventually, but now that it did... how will you two handle the aftermath?

a/n: asdfghjkl goodbye, I love them, that’s all I can say (also, so glad you sent that request in yesterday, bc this story was almost finished lol)

Whenever you had a show, you were usually focused to the core. Your thoughts consisted of nothing but lyrics, dance moves and facial expressions. But today simply wasn't one of those days.

You stood in a hallway, your eyes staring ahead of you and your brain barely even realizing that there were other idols – some of those your friends – passing by and greeting you.

Whatever you were thinking about had you transported into a different world altogether.

“Hey,” Jimin's hand on your shoulder finally made you snap out of it, shaking your head a little and then looking up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Huh?”

“Aren't you feeling well? You seem.. off.”

That's because you were. But this wasn't something that he could help you with, much less was it something that you wanted to share with him. So you just faked a smile and nodded.

“Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”

It was a good excuse. After all, you had to get up at 3AM this morning and you went to bed extremely late. So good of an excuse that Jimin accepted it with a nod and turned his attention back to Namjoon.

All of your band members listened to what the leader had to say except for you and.. well.

“Let's talk after this,” you heard him whisper, feeling his hot breath against your ear.

Yeah, there he was. The reason why you were acting so weird today. Min Yoongi.

That hot breath against your neck only awoke memories of last night that you weren't sure if you wanted to forget or brand them into your mind, so you'd never lose them.

How could this have even happened?

You closed your eyes for a moment and it all came flooding back like you were back where you were last night.

“Oh, you're home early,” you grinned happily when you saw Yoongi walk into the living room.

All of the others were out, either working on something in regards to the performance on the show or to enjoy a late night meal with their idol friends.

When it came down to music shows, you always liked to take it slow the night before, knowing that you'd have to get up extremely early. You wanted to rest as much as possible, hence, you always staying back when everyone else went out.

Yoongi was usually one of those who worked through the night, but not this time, apparently.

“Taehyung texted and said that everyone left. Didn't want you to be on your own,” he placed a bag of takeaway on the coffee table in front of you.

“You know it doesn't bother me.”

But when you opened the bag and saw that he brought food from your favorite restaurant, you got so excited that Yoongi couldn't help but chuckle. Good decision to come here after all.

It wasn't the conversation you had that was an indicator for what was about to happen next. You didn’t even flirt casually like you normally did. Neither of you had anything to drink, so that wasn't the reason either. You really didn't know what it was, in hindsight.

But one moment you were having a friendly conversation and then the next you were reaching out to wipe some sauce from his lower lip with your thumb and BOOM.

Yoongi was surprised, but let you do it. His eyes dropped to your lips and with you being so close it was easy for him to simply grab your hand and pull you towards him to close the distance.

It was a bold move that he easily could have regretted, but the sexual tension that has built between you two had only grown these past weeks and so he had decided to finally act on it.

His intuition hadn't been wrong, because instead of pulling back and slapping him - which would have been your good right -, you were actually the one who quickly settled on his lap and turned the kiss into one that was a lot more heated than what he has had in mind.

Both of you had thoughts of: 'But is this right? Should we be doing this' cross your mind, but the more his hands wandered and the harder his dick grew in his pants, the less you both cared.

Still, this was extremely random and unplanned and maybe that's why it worked. If you had put too much thought into it, who knows if you would have gone through with it, the moral questions probably would have made you not act on your feelings.

But now... now that question was out of the window as Yoongi's hands interlinked under your ass and he got up, carrying you into his bedroom.

As excited as he was for what was about to happen, he'd rather not have the others see this. Because despite being so far gone and into it in that moment, he knew that this was scandalous and would turn messy if anyone found out about it.

He shut the door closed with his foot as soon as he was inside his room, then gently laid you down on his bed and began to kiss your neck.

Yoongi was usually a fan of exploring what his partner liked, but the need to be inside you was so much greater. And thankfully, that was a mutual feeling.

When he pushed up your sweatshirt and wanted to kiss your breasts, you pulled on his hair and made him look at you.

“Forget foreplay.”

That only got him harder as he let out a dark chuckle. He shoved his hand in your sweatpants, straight under your panties to feel how wet you were and boy, oh boy, “Were you looking forward to this, princess?”

“Just shut up already,” you pulled on his shirt and waited for him to take it off and while he did, you took off your own clothes.

One item after the other found its way to the floor, until there was one pile of both of your clothes and you were both completely naked.

Looking back at this, you felt a little dirty at how eager you were in that moment. Had these feelings been hiding inside you all this time? Because when you felt Yoongi's dick at your entrance, you felt yourself dripping, that's how much you wanted him.

His penis slipped inside you so easily that both of you let out a loud and surprised moan.

“What the fuck,” Yoongi moaned out, his hands fisting in the bed sheets beneath him, “Shit, you're so fucking wet, (Y/N).”

If he had known just how good you felt, he would have acted on this sexual tension long before today. Even just slipping inside you once made him regret ever having sex with other people. Because this right there? This was the best feeling he's ever had when it came down to sex.

And once again, it was mutual.

You arched your back and whined, “Please.. fuck me.”

It wasn't romantic and it unfortunately wasn't long either.

You felt so good that Yoongi couldn't hold out long and you were gone the moment he got on his knees to fuck you from a different angle and rubbed hard circles over your clit to make you orgasm with him.

You moaned out your lungs and despite Yoongi usually holding back on the moans, he couldn't this time. He nearly screamed when he filled you with his seed and it was only when it was all spilled inside you that he realized what he had just done.

His wide eyes made you chuckle and pat his naked and sweaty chest.

“I'm on the pill.”

Dodged a bullet right there.

It wasn't uncomfortable that night, but it wasn't something that you talked about either.

You grabbed your clothes and washed up, Yoongi doing the same in the other bathroom. But instead of talking about what just happened, you went into your bedroom and he back into his.

And it was only now, hours later, that you realized what had happened, and the consequences of it.

Yoongi's promise of talking about it afterwards made you nod and try to gather your professionalism.

You couldn't let anyone see that you were so troubled. You just had to make it through this performance and then, when you were back home, you and Yoongi could talk.

And that worked rather well, thankfully. The moment you set foot on stage, you only thought about performing well for your fans. The only time of the day where you got a break from thinking about last night.

But the second you stepped off the stage and the adrenaline wore off, it was over again.

Yoongi didn't let you wait long, though. Not even ten minutes after you had gotten out of the shower and walked into your bedroom, he walked in with two cups of tea.

“You usually only do this when I don't feel good.. bring me tea, I mean,” you said with a small smile.

“You look like you could use something to calm you down,” he handed it to you, then sat down next to you. You weren't sure if it was troubling Yoongi as much as you, or if he was just hiding it better. Right now, he was staring at you as you were drinking the hot beverage and smiling when you let out a happy sigh, “Better?”

“You always manage to make me feel good..- I mean..-” your eyes immediately widened, realizing that this could also be understood in regards to yesterday, but Yoongi quickly laughed it off as he shook his head, “God, why am I acting like this..”

He didn't respond right away, seemed to think about his words first, before he carefully asked: “I'm going to ask you a question now. Don't think about it too much, just answer, okay?” you nodded, then he added: “Do you regret it?”

“No,” you said right away, surprising yourself with that answer. Good thing you didn't think about it, otherwise your bad conscious would have made you say yes.

The answer made Yoongi happy, though. The corner of his mouth curled into a smile, “Glad to hear it.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” he put his cup of tea on your nightstand then looked back into your eyes, “Because I don't regret it either. The only thing I regret is that it didn't last any longer.”

That made you snort and gently hit his shoulder, “Stop that.”

He was glad that you seemed more at ease now. He waited for you to drink another sip of the tea, then he added: “I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable, (Y/N). Whatever happens now will be up to you.”

You were so thankful that he was letting you make that decision.

Right now, there was only one question that kept coming up in your head that you needed to know the answer of in order to decide: “Was this just... us acting on the sexual tension?”

“I can't speak for you,” Yoongi brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, “But it wasn't for me.”

You unconsciously began to smile and lean into his touch.

"Glad to hear it,” you said in his own words from before.

[slightlymore]

Pride | Part 8 [The End]

Pairing: Doyoung, Y/N Other characters: Haechan, Johnny cameo Genre: Series | Smut | Angst | Crack | Fluff Warnings: as usual, language, same issues around mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms, angsty, hard hitting family drama Words: 10K lol idk I wanted to write more bc it feels a little rushed but then it would drag too much

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 |  Part 8 THE END

Okay so I did write this while severely sleep-deprived lol (please get enough sleep, don’t do what I do) so it might be all over the place anyways, when I started Pride I had no idea I would write so many parts, and that it would have been so angsty honk honk tell me if you liked the ending or not and I would love to hear what your overall thoughts on this series are (it’s fine even if it’s like “it sucked aha”) thank you for reading it, I appreciate your love and support a lot!! very many heart emojis here that I can’t do on the laptop, insert also sad clown emoji

TIME JUMPS EXPLANATION

Endind scene commentary 

Doyoung has always regretted the things he had done wrong, when he was feeling weak, or imperfect, or exhausted. He would think about those moments and learn the same thing all over. Never again. And he lived with that mantra for a long time. Never again. Don’t slip, don’t let yourself go. Because it was painful.

But was it effectively painful as is, or was it only because he knew he shouldn’t have done that in the first place? Would it have been painful if he consciously let himself go? Was he feeling guilty for the mistake or for not being perfect? And at night, while breathing in and silently screaming his desire to be fragile, to break, to show people his soft imperfect soul he would think about that again and again. He appreciated that in other people a lot. Why would other people hate it in him? Why has he hated himself for such a long time? It is a denial of the inevitable. Just accept yourself, Doyoung. Accept yourself. Accept. And he thought he did it. Doyoung was sure he did it all. But as the first rays of sun hit his trembling eyelids, he already forgot. He opened up his eyes and looked at his ceiling, not remembering a single thing he told himself in the intimacy of the night.

_____

When the phone rang for the first time, you jolted on your seat, staring it down as if it was some kind of poisonous reptile. 

God, you hated speaking on the phone. 

When it rang again your eyes darted around you looking at the way your desk neighbors were judging you for taking so long to pick it up. 

You breathed in and out. 

“Y/N from Marketing speaking?” you mumbled into it. “Pizza or noodles?” a lazy but confident voice asked. You blinked, silent for a few moments, and looked around as if checking what was going on. “Who is this?” you whispered. A loud snort made you wince and remove the receiver from your ear. “-can’t believe you don’t recognize the voice of the best boy, the light of your life, the reason of your existence, the spawn of god, the joy of your miserable-,” the voice said when you listened to it again. 

You closed your eyes and pinched the base of your nose. “Haechan,” you interrupted the litany, suddenly aware of the migraine lingering in the darkest part of your head. “So, pizza or noodles?” he chuckled satisfied.

It was pizza, and as you sat down for lunch you curiously looked around the dining hall.  It was the first meal at the company and if it wasn’t for Haechan you wouldn’t have even known that there was a cafeteria at all. Your eyes darted to your left. It was louder than you’d expect from grown-ups. 

“Yeah, it’s just like in high school”, Haechan swallowed his food, following the direction of your eyes as if knowing what you were thinking. Then he put down the slice of pizza he was holding and cleaned his fingers on a napkin. 

“Okay, so, that table-”, he indicated with his head a group of people behind him, “lawyers. They can suck my dick and balls. And I’m definitely not saying this because they bully the IT department and we’d kill each other. Then in that one”, he indicated another table in the middle of the hall, “graphic designers. You probably see them around in the marketing wing where you’re at. Eh,” he shrugged, “normal people. Kinda weird. You’d think they won’t have colors on their clothes since they use a computer, but they still do for some arcane reason”. 

You stared at them but only briefly before concentrating on your food as a few eyes returned the glares. The company was big and had hundreds of workers, but for some reason everywhere you looked around, people would stare back and whisper between themselves. “It’s because you made a ruckus at the party yesterday. Don’t worry, it will die soon.” Haechan explained, again reading your mind. It was kind of scary. “Where’s your group of people? Why are you eating with me?” you asked, unable to think about the day before. 

About to go home the previous night, you looked for Doyoung first. You had no idea why. No, okay, you obviously knew why, but you didn’t know what you would tell him if you'd actually found him. 

So you just gave up, suddenly anxious. 

During the drive home, you called Johnny, not caring about the late hour. He had some explaining to do. “I can’t believe you’ve done that,” was the first thing you said into the phone. 

Johnny’s voice was bright and not at all sleepy. He probably wasn’t home. 

“So you’ve met him,” he chuckled lightly. “John,” you murmured tired, unable to say anything more and hoping that the tone of your voice would make him understand. And he did. “I know, I know. But listen, you’re in love with him,” he said. You groaned. “I don’t know, Johnny. I was alright before meeting him again”.

Johnny’s voice got clearer signaling that he went somewhere quieter. “It’s not true. You were not okay. Do you think I don’t have eyes?”

“But what if-” your voice stopped working and you had to gulp down. Your eyes stung as finally, you let your emotions flow after seeing Doyoung. 

God, you didn’t want to cry. 

“What if I’m like this only because I can’t have him? What if, I don’t know, we get together, right? and, and, what if, fuck, I don’t know, I just change my mind? and I hurt him? again? like, like-” you stuttered and ate your words. “Like you did with me?” Johnny asked. You started to cry silently. “Listen,” he repeated calmly, still able to hear your muffled breaths, “it’s going to be alright. What happened with us it’s not your fault, okay? Not entirely. We-” he stopped as well, thinking. “Johnny, it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about that again,” you sniffled. “No, no, wait, I need the right words,” he assured you. “We just weren’t a match, okay? We liked each other because we were good friends and we saw each other grow up, we were always together and we do love each other, okay? we really do, but not- just not that way,” he added after a pause. You nodded, even if he wasn’t able to see, remembering the long and emotional conversation you had a few months ago. “Doyoung though-” he went on and you breathed in and out, “he’s different. And you know that. Everything is different with him. So go and tell him what you feel, Y/N, please. I hate seeing you this way,” Johnny’s voice got thinner as if was worried. You sniffled again in silence and you both just listened to each other's breaths for a while. It calmed you. “Well,” you finally spoke with a hoarse voice. “It’s too late now” “No, no, Y/N-” Johnny interrupted you. “John, he’s married, he got married, he did it, it’s too late, I can’t-” you interrupted him as well. “Okay, okay, he’s married, like a fucking dumbass, okay,” he calmed you again. “But, honestly, I don’t give a single fuck at the same time. You said he didn’t even know the girl. He got set up. By his family. Like in a fucking soap opera. Who does that nowadays?” You sighed slightly amused. “Say fuck one more time”. “Fuck,” he swore then lightly chuckled. “Seriously though, talk to him, okay?”

And you said that you would. 

And now you were there, eyes darting in the cafeteria looking for Doyoung again, heart stinging and anxiety as never before. 

Haechan raised an eyebrow at your question. “I’m eating with you because you would probably eat alone right now. And-” he talked raising a finger as he sensed you wanting to interrupt him, “-if by 'my group of people'" he mimicked the quotations marks with his fingers, "you mean Doyoung, he never eats here. He stays in the office.”

You put your slice of pizza down and crossed your arms on your chest as if indicating that you didn’t like how Haechan assumed things.  Haechan smiled.  “I wasn’t looking for Doyoung”, you lied.  Haechan mocked you with a bemused face. “I wAsn’t loOkiNg foR DoYouNg. I can tell him that you were looking for him if you want”.  “No, Haechan. Wait, I’m-” you clenched your jaw and closed your eyes briefly. 

Haechan stared at you waiting for you to go on sensing something more than just you wanting to see your crush. 

“Do you think I should talk to him?” you asked after the pause.  The boy's eyes turned serious.  “About what?” he asked as well.  You sighed. “About us. We… I don’t know. We almost kinda dated and he liked me first but I liked another guy and then when I understood my feelings he said that he was getting married and I had to act so quickly and I fucking panicked and then he was gone and I realized how much I’m in lov-” you stopped yourself from the frantic babbling. You gulped and looked around, as if afraid of people hearing you, or - worse - Doyoung himself. 

Haechan breathed in and out slowly while adjusting his glasses on his nose. “I think you should talk then,” he replied quietly. 

Your eyes darted towards his, but he wasn’t looking at you. Staring down at his pizza he played with a piece of it, rolling it around. “Are you guys not going along? Do you hate talking about him?” you asked, suddenly aware of his discomfort. 

Haechan thought about it for a second then when he raised his face he got a wide smirk on. 

“Every day that I see him he has a resting bitch face,” he replied, “or he’s annoyed, or he wants to punch me, or he’s like I had enough of you, Haechan,” he deepened his voice trying to imitate him.  You rolled your eyes amused, almost if seeing Doyoung in front of you. 

“Honestly? He’s… weird,” he added a little more seriously. You waited for him to go on, a light pressure wrapping your heart. 

“It’s like,” Haechan spoke again looking at the ceiling as if unsure of what words to use, “he’s a house with all the lights on, and you come closer, but no one is inside?” he questioned looking back at you.  “So you’re left with this sense of worry and uneasiness. I want to understand him but he… won’t let me get close. Not that I actually want that,” he explained with a smile. 

You rested your back on the chair, pensive and suddenly feeling uneasy yourself by Haechan’s smile that didn’t reach his eyes at all.

_____

Insomnia, change in appetite, dizziness, rapid mood swings, intrusive thoughts, lack of concentration, pronounced sensitivity to external events, unfulfilled and intense longing. Isn’t this what Doyoung feared all along? Isn’t this what he tried to avoid? 

“You don’t look that good, son.” 

Doyoung turned his head towards his father as if seeing him for the first time. He hasn't been for a while now but thanks for noticing. 

It was a bright and yellow morning. Rude and unnecessary. 

“Maybe,” the man talked again with a weird twinkle in his eyes, smiling at his wife, making her chuckle as if she was already able to understand what he was trying to say, “you didn’t get enough sleep last night?” his father finished. Doyoung’s mother hit her husband’s hand tenderly with a little stop it. “I know you’re a grown-up man, Doyoung, but we still have some rules in this house. Sleeping with a lady on the first date it not gallant”. 

Doyoung stared at them both. 

Oh. 

Right.

He met his allegedly future wife the previous night. And they were right. He did come back in the morning. It was a beautiful evening. Doyoung was sitting down rolling the stem of his glass of wine between two fingers, watching the way the dim lights of the restaurant made the golden liquid shine. Then he opened up another button on his shirt, feeling pathetic that he actually made an effort to look good for someone he didn’t care about. He ruffled his hair. He sighed. When The Wife came, he saw her legs first, walking slowly in a high pair of heels. Doyoung let his eyes gaze on them, going up shamelessly until meeting the seam of her tight dress. So he wasn’t the only one that tried for no reason. In spite of everything, Doyoung stood up and put a smile on his face. The Wife did the same and shook his hand. She sat down and the waiter came to fill up her glass as well. She said she was sorry for being a little late. Doyoung said it was alright. It was a nice night, wasn’t it? Yes, it was indeed. Kinda chilly. Yes, it is. The smog these days is terrible. Have you ever eaten in this restaurant? No, it’s my first time. What do you think is good? Let’s check the menu. 

“Listen, Doyoung,” she finally said his name after a moment of silence, the cutlery gently hitting the plates as the only sound to fill the room. Doyoung looked up chewing slowly, unable to feel any taste. “You seem like a good person and I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your family and what’s your opinion on all of this-” she started gesturing vaguely at them both, “-but I am in love with somebody else”, she finished. 

Doyoung blinked at her, feeling nothing and gulped down. His head was completely empty. 

He looked at her worried and pained face and felt like seeing his reflection in a mirror. She was in love? He felt sorry. 

But she was also happy. He could see it in her eyes, in the way her expression wrinkles weren’t accustomed to frowning like that. She wasn't unhappy. She was just worried. That Doyoung would say that he doesn’t care about her love. Forcing her to marry him anyway. 

“Me too”, Doyoung said after a few seconds. 

The relief that washed over The Wife’s face was so contagious that Doyoung felt like smiling himself, but he didn’t. It wasn’t nothing to be happy for. Not for him. Not at that moment. 

“So what are we going to do?” he asked her. She blushed. “We’re not going to get married. If my parents don’t agree... I’ll just run away! - with him!”. 

She was so confident, radiant, and - in love - that Doyoung had to recollect himself after being hit with so much light. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get it. She was in love and she was loved back. 

Doyoung felt like crying. He wanted that so badly as well. 

“I came here to speak to you directly because even if I already knew what I was about to do, I thought it wasn’t unfair to not explain myself and just vanish”, she added. Doyoung nodded and sipped on his drink, unable to speak. The Wife-but-not-Doyoung’s-one-anymore looked at him with a wide smile but he saw how it flattered a little seeing his expression.   “And what are you going to do?” she asked cautiously. Doyoung shrugged, letting his lips stretch in a smile that couldn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know. Live in the moment, I guess,” was his reply, hoping that it was an adequate answer and to just drop that conversation. 

The Wife furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Did you come here with the intent to actually force yourself into this stupid relationship? While being in love with somebody else? Like an idiot?” the Wife asked. 

Doyoung felt his eyes widen at her use of words. He suddenly felt pathetic and weak in comparison. 

“No one is waiting for me,” he explained. “It’s too late now”. The Wife scoffed. “Are you in love or what?”. 

Doyoung emptied his glass with a trembling hand. 

“I just feel like I’ve been fighting a lot by myself while no one is fighting for me, so I gave up, as pitiful as that might sound,” he explained himself. His voice got sharper and he just wanted to go home. 

The girl rested her back on the chair while crossing her arms on her chest with an angry expression. The fact that she didn’t need to walk on eggshells around him anymore made her real personality shine through. Doyoung found it rather refreshing but he hated it at the same time. He was scrutinizing himself very well already, judging his every step and word and thought. He didn’t need other people to do it as well. 

“So you never broke down,” she observed. Doyoung looked up. 

“Do you need to reach a breaking point?” he questioned. “Do I really need to get to the point of losing all my pride and sanity? It doesn’t have to be like this. Love is not like this”. 

The Wife tilted her head to the side as if analyzing him. Doyoung felt vulnerable all of a sudden. 

What was he doing? Talking about feelings with a stranger? A stranger he was sure he was about to marry just 5 minutes ago? He felt dizzy and his head hurt. 

“No,” she agreed. “Love is not only this, no. But it can be like this sometimes." Doyoung poured some more wine into the empty glasses. “Why is she not doing it then? Why does it always have to be me?” Doyoung asked with the littlest voice. “Why did she let me go so easily?” The Wife sighed. “I don’t know her nor do I know you. But it sounds to me like she perhaps loves you too much-”

Doyoung interrupted her with a chuckle, shaking his head. 

“-because!” the girl raised her voice for fear of being interrupted, “-she did not let her egoistical feelings get in the way. If you told her that you were about to get married, she obviously thought about you first, instead of herself and her needs. What would have you done in her place?” she asked. 

“Fight,” Doyoung whispered. “But did you?” she asked again. 

Doyoung gulped. 

“Did you fight for her love? Your parents told you that you had to get married and what did you do? Accepted it? You went to her and were like 'listen this is the situation, can you promise me you’ll love me forever so that I know it’s worth fighting for you?' Is this what you did?” the Wife was almost angry and in another situation, Doyoung would have found it entertaining. 

He didn’t reply. The Wife took it for tacit approval and went on. 

“We’re taught to not be selfish in love, that if you love them then just let them go, and all of this bullshit, but!-” she slammed her hand on the table suddenly making Doyoung jolt, “-it doesn’t mean that’s how she is really feeling. I’d say she loves you." she pointed her finger towards him as a politician would after their speech. 

“No, don’t feed my hopes, please. You don’t know anything,” he shook his head. “Doyoung, this makes no fucking sense. Get out of your head. I want you to call her, now. Just talk. Communication." “What?” “Call her. Do it. I want you to explain the new situation to her. Tell her that you aren’t getting married and that you love her and you’re ready to fight for your love. Show yourself."

Doyoung shook his head again. “Stop it.”

“Do it."

“Who do you think you are?” Doyoung was starting to get a little angry. 

The Wife didn't budge and just smiled. 

“Fate."

“We’re done. There’s nothing else to do now." Doyoung got up suddenly and retrieved his wallet. A waiter came from the shadows to accept his card. The Wife sighed and just looked at him as if disappointed. “Alright, but when Fate is going to kick you in the butt again when you least expect it, please think of me and my words." “I don’t believe in fate,” he replied putting on his jacket. 

But Doyoung thought of those words all night while moving his phone from one hand to another, walking home slowly. It was cold as hell and he enjoyed the pain of it. He wasn’t alone. He could almost see the black car that was following him from a certain distance. “Yes, sir,” was the bodyguard’s answer when he told him to fuck off after he insisted on taking him home as programmed. 

And he thought of those words again, months later, the instant he heard your voice in that party hall. He swore he was hallucinating. He felt his limbs paralyzing and shaking at the same time. But he was trained. He knew how to work in these high tension situations. It was a little click and he couldn’t feel anything, adrenaline killed and buried in the deepest parts of his brain, like hungry wolves ready to tear him to pieces when he wouldn’t have had the force to keep them locked anymore. And so he moved like a machine, like something as far from human as possible. Later. We’ll deal with this later. I can’t. I can’t do it now. I can’t let myself fall. Stay. Focus. Later he could feel it indeed. It came eventually. He felt it right there while worried about your cut. He felt it as he held your hand and dragged you away. Pain washed him all over as if for the first time and love. Oh, love, it was so much love, he felt like drowning, he felt like a withering garden begging for rain and it came suddenly, so quickly, that he couldn’t possibly absorb it all at once. 

When he opened the bathroom cabinets he saw the first aid kit in a second, but he felt so overwhelmed and all over the place that he couldn’t bring himself to face you properly. He pretended to look for it for a while and his body felt your burning gaze all over his skin. Why were you looking at him like that? Stop it, no, please continue, no, stop, it’s too much, please, please, never stop looking at me. 

When he turned around he couldn’t bring himself to touch you again either without dragging you against his chest, never letting go. Was this fate? Was this the fate The Wife was talking about? Is this real? Is everything real at all?

As Doyoung’s parents were scolding him about apparently fucking like a rabbit the whole night, he put down his coffee and intertwined his fingers together, resting his face on them, closing his eyes and breathing in. 

“We’re not getting married,” he suddenly spoke up. The cutlery stopped moving and his parents’ faces fell off. 

“What?” Mother asked with a tiny voice. “What are you talking about?” Father furrowed his eyebrows, no amusement left in his eyes. Doyoung looked at them.

“I-am-” Doyoung articulated every word well and slowly as if talking with a stupid person, “-not-getting-fucking-married."

Father’s breath grew in pace, eyes out of his orbits. 

“Doyoung,” his mother’s voice was a little surprised whine. 

He looked at her with the corner of his eyes and his expression was probably one of his worst ones so far since she jolted imperceptibly as if seeing her son for the first time. 

“What’s with this attitude? Who do you think you are?” Father’s voice was getting deeper and his cheeks and neck reddening. 

Doyoung looked back at him with a killing glare. 

“Doyoung, sweetheart, you don’t have to get married tomorrow. Get to know each other first. You’ll definitely like each other as time goes by-” Mother tried to calm everyone down. 

“Like you and dad?” Doyoung let his tongue be as poisonous as it wanted. “Getting married to someone for convenience to just fight like fucking dogs every day in front of a child, huh?” he asked. 

Mother gasped and covered her mouth with the impeccable napkin. 

“Kim Dongyoung!” Father hit the table with his fist making all the tableware tremble. 

Doyoung didn’t flinch. 

“Do you want my son to assist at how I fuck different women every night? Pretending that he doesn’t understand what’s going on?”

Mother started to sob. 

“And you,” Doyoung spoke to her, ignoring her tears, “do you want my son to listen to his mother bad mouthing me from the most tender age? Telling him what a terrible father I am, that he shouldn’t love him, letting him know how unhappy she is while the only thing he should be preoccupied about is the multiplication table and which toy he should be playing that day with?” Doyoung directed his gaze towards his mom raising his voice on the last words. 

“Do you want me to bring my son to work to prove to my wife that I am in fact not fucking the secretary while letting her suck my cock under the desk?” he continued this time directing his speech towards Father. 

The man was fully red at this point and when he got up from his chair Doyoung thought that he was about to punch him or just drag him on the ground. 

But he didn’t. He was shaking as if no one had confronted him like that before. 

His voice was dangerous and slow, like a poisonous snake. 

“You’re going to get what you deserve, Dongyoung,” he spoke and Doyoung knew what that was. 

Because in his father’s eyes, Doyoung was the faulty one.  For speaking up. For telling the truth. For letting both of them, grown-up adults that were still running away from themselves like children, face their own feelings and shortcomings. Forcing him to be perfect and to do stuff that they wanted. Forcing him to accept every shitty thing they did but making him feel guilty for his actions. 

“I will. And you as well, Father,” he replied getting up and throwing his napkin on top of his plate. His mother’s sobs were the only sound he could hear as he exited the room.

Doyoung apologized for having spilled his drink on you. And you looked up as if that was the last of your problems. Your fingers were trembling as you disinfected your cut and Doyoung knew it wasn’t because of the pain. 

Right? 

No, don’t do it. Don’t go there again Doyoung. For once, for a single time, stop jumping ahead. Just ask. Stop living in your head. Don’t assume. She’s not in love. She’s not here because of you. This is not fate. 

So he did ask. He asked why were you there and the transient relief he felt when he was as close as to believe he was the reason for all of that, that maybe, just maybe, you tried to be selfish again, washed away. Because he could see how sincere you were while assuring him that you had no idea it was the place he was working at. There was no plan. 

So this is fate? This is how it works? It gives you the possibility but you still have to work for it? You still have to endure the pain of trying and trying and failing over and over again? If fate could make you both meet again, why didn't it do everything? Why did fate bring you in front of his eyes again just to listen to your sweet voice say that you were over him? Like a slap. Like giving a thirsty man a cup of water and taking it away right before the moment a single drop of refreshing sweetness could have eased his burning tongue.

It’s not so simple to draw the line. This was the only lesson Doyoung fully understood. There’s no one way someone can be. It’s not black and it’s not white. Everything is blurry. Everything is gray.

_____

“Y/N." It took only that single word to make Doyoung snap his head up and look at Haechan. “She was looking for you,” he added while standing in front of Doyoung’s desk, one hand comfortably inside his pants pocket, the other holding a coffee. 

“Is that for me?” Doyoung asked eyeing the cup. 

Haechan snorted incredulously. 

“I’m telling you that the ex you’re still in love with was looking for you and you talk about a goddamn coffee?” 

Doyoung straightened his back. 

“She told you that she’s my ex?” he asked surprised. “So you don’t deny that you’re in love with her,” Haechan considered while sipping on the coffee. 

Doyoung’s eyes got darker as they usually did when talking to Haechan but the younger one could see the redness on his cheeks and the way his adam apple traveled up and down, anxious and embarrassed. 

Oh Doyoung, Haechan thought, you’re so fragile. 

“How is that your business?” Doyoung didn’t budge, even though he was aware that Haechan was your new interest. 

Was Haechan jealous? Was that a new way Haechan tried to make him angry with? Since Doyoung arrived at the company Haechan has never let him alone. He was nagging and whining and messing up with Doyoung, making him angry and irritated, laughing when Doyoung snapped. 

Haechan shrugged. “I’m a Gemini. Everything is my business."

Doyoung sighed and flipped the papers he had underneath his hands as if telling the other that the conversation was over. 

But he still felt the other’s gaze on top of his head for long seconds. “So you’re going to be a pussy about it.” Haechan didn’t move and talked with a low voice Doyoung has never heard before. “You’re going to hold yourself back and prepare some escaping routes, just like always."

Doyoung stilled and looked up.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked almost in a whisper, too surprised by Haechan’s serious tone to actually get angry at the insult. 

“I see you, Doyoung. I really see you. And I see how your father treats you,” Haechan sipped on his coffee again while staring out of the office windows as if talking about anything besides that. “Y/N was surprised when I told her that you weren’t some CEO or something. I didn’t tell her that you were punished.” Haechan filled the silence again as Doyoung was just staring. “I wasn’t punished,” Doyoung gave him a death glare. 

Haechan shrugged. 

“Do something for yourself for once, would you?” he added and Doyoung could have sworn that underneath the nonchalant mask Haechan had on, rested a troubled and sensitive soul. 

“Are you two not dating?” Doyoung finally spoke when finding his voice. 

Haechan came back to his normal self with a nasal laugh. 

“You are so fucking stupid, oh my God,” he groaned. “No, darling, we’re not. That poor girl was too proud to admit that she’s in love with you while you probably just got back from your 'forced newlywed trip'”. 

Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows and that was enough for Haechan to widen his eyes. 

“So it’s not true,” he whispered. 

Doyoung didn’t comment on that and Haechan didn’t add anything. 

He looked out of the window again, lower lip slightly trembling so he bit on it. Then he smiled bitterly. “Fuck. Then you have to tell her that. Talk to Y/N,” he whispered again and just left leaving Doyoung confused as never before.

_____

You didn’t see Doyoung that morning and you didn’t see him during lunch either. Then at almost 5 o’clock your phone rang again. You rolled your eyes wondering what Haechan wanted to say to you. “Y/N from Marketing speaking." Your voice was flat but a little amused, ready to listen to whatever nonsense Haechan will talk about. 

But when you heard the voice you gasped silently. 

“Hello, Y/N. Doyoung from IT here."  

His voice was warm and deep. Your breath grew heavier. 

You couldn’t speak so you closed your eyes. Doyoung didn’t add anything either and you both ended up just listening to each others’ breaths for a while. 

“Doyoung,” you said after what felt like ages and a few seconds at the same time, your nerves thin as never. 

What were you both doing? What was this? 

“Y/N,” he said in the same tone but then cleared his throat. “I-” he stopped. “I actually called with a purpose,” he added. 

You imagined him, sitting behind his desk, cheeks flushed, fingers restless. 

Or so you hoped. 

Maybe he was just nervous. Maybe he hated to see you again. Maybe he was over you and now his pain just got back and it was all your fault. 

“Yes?” you asked, raising your voice to seem nonchalant. “Yes. There’s this project that Haechan and I are working on,” he started, “-and we’ve been told to work with someone from marketing for the selling issues. And they suggested you since you’re new and you still have to prove yourself” he finished explaining. 

You nodded. “Yes. Okay. Alright,” you almost stuttered. 

“Come to my office. The map is on the server,” he ordered softly and hang up. 

Just like that. 

You remained still for a few seconds, with the beep-beep of the line ringing in your ears. Then you swallowed with a certain difficulty feeling your throat dry.

When you arrived in front of his door, thin nerves and muscles shaking, you just closed your eyes and forced yourself to calm down. You were about to see Doyoung. You were about to see him and talk to him. It wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t a fantasy. He was there, behind this thin closed door. 

God. 

You knocked. 

His melodious voice told you to come in. And you did. He was sitting behind his desk, blinds slightly closed making the office semi-dark. “I didn’t know IT people had their own offices,” you smiled awkwardly while stepping in and closing the door behind you. “Well, we don’t need human interaction to do our jobs,” he replied in the same tone. 

He got up and indicated you to sit down on the couch in front of his desk. He brought his laptop with him and placed it on the coffee table in front of it. You sat down, hands neatly placed on your thighs and you hoped he didn’t hear the way your breath hitched as he sat down as well, his thigh touching yours slightly. 

His cologne was the same, you noticed, and your fingers vibrated, trying hard to stop themselves from touching him. You looked at his shoulders and imagined tracing them with your hand. Then wrapping them as you got closer. Then sliding them up to his nape, slowly, into his hair, closer and closer and closer and feeling his breath and kissing his lips and sitting on his lap and as you did so, his arms would hug you, pulling you close while he whispered your name. 

Y/N. Y/N. Y/N. 

“Y/N." You jolted. He was turned to you, hands on the laptop screen, a PowerPoint on it. You looked at the computer then at his face. He understood that you haven’t been listening to him and sighed.  

You breathed in and out. 

“Doyoung,” you said and you saw him visibly shiver hearing your voice call his name. 

“I think that we should t-” but you couldn’t finish the sentence as the door got opened with a loud thud. 

Haechan was almost breathless when he barged in. 

You and Doyoung looked behind your backs, both surprised to see Haechan with flushed cheeks and red eyes. “Haechan,” you said. “Is everything alright?” Doyoung asked as well. Haechan caught his breath by now, staring at you both then his lips tightened in a straight line. “Yeah. Yes. Sorry, I’m late. Let’s go to the conference room. It’s more spacious there,” he spoke up and turning around he just left. You and Doyoung looked at each other surprised. 

You bit your lower lip, unable to carry on the conversation anymore. 

“You were saying? I think we should?” Doyoung didn’t budge. 

His eyes were dark and his lips slightly parted. You stared at them, perhaps far too long because you suddenly felt your cheeks hot and your breath hitch. 

You were leaning in, imperceptibly and Doyoung saw. 

He didn’t get away and he didn’t refuse you. Looking at his eyes for a split second you could see that he was nervous. 

Then the magic disappeared again as Haechan’s voice made you both jolt again.  “What are you doing? Are you coming or not?” he yelled.

_____

You were sitting down, each with their own computer, clicking and typing. Doyoung briefly filled you in, explaining again what you needed to do. You just nodded and got to work. 

“When is this due?” you asked after probably twenty minutes of full silence. You knew Doyoung would be silent but Haechan? It was surprising to see him so concentrated on his work, not looking up even once, no jokes, and no smirks. He was also in a bad mood, you thought, his red swollen eyes still fresh in your memory. 

“Tomorrow morning. We’ll have a meeting and we’ll present the project. Hopefully, it goes well and we can go on with it,” Doyoung replied softly, almost in a whisper. You nodded. It was doable. You got back to work a didn’t speak for some time. 

God, you were about to kiss him. 

What were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? And him? Not pulling away? Staying still and looking at your lips the way you looked at his? You could do it, right? Maybe it was possible. You could talk to him and everything would be alright. Just like you’ve always dreamed. 

Right? Right?

After an indefinite amount of time, you looked up and glanced at the time. 

“Fuck,” you swore. 

It was already night and you did almost nothing. 

Haechan raised his eyes as well for the first time and turned around to see the dark windows. “We can take a break,” Doyoung murmured closing his laptop. 

Haechan relaxed on his back. “Who appointed you as a leader?” he asked amused. You smiled a little, happy to see him that way again. 

Doyoung crossed his arms on his chest. “You can be a leader then.” “Okay, then I decide that we can take a break,” Haechan giggled and you chuckled as well. 

Doyoung opened his mouth to say something but his voice got suddenly swallowed by a loud, weird noise. 

You all looked up and in seconds water poured out of the ceiling. 

You screamed and got up suddenly. 

“What’s going on?” you asked no one in particular putting your hands on your head instinctively.  “The sprinkles!” Haechan yelled. “But there’s no fire? Is it?” you asked looking around the room, shocked. 

"Haechan Lee!" Doyoung groaned, eyelashes fluttering in an attempt to see through the drops. "It's not my fault! I didn't do anything this time!" Haechan screamed back, one hand shielding his head. "Go and stop this mess!" the older ordered. 

Haechan had the time to roll his eyes before running to the wall on the opposite side of the conference room. 

You whined, leaving them to their bickering and tried hard to cover the computers ignoring that they were already wet in a desperate attempt to salvage them. 

Doyoung looked at you and promptly came closer, grabbing stuff and throwing it under the desk before realizing that it was too late. 

He groaned again. 

You fell to your knees defeated, fists holding handfuls of melted paper. 

"It doesn't work," Haechan yelled. Doyoung looked at him with such anger that you sensed it radiating through him even if unable to look at him in the face. "For fuck's sake, Haechan, you're useless!" Doyoung walked over and pressed the buttons on the switchboard then looking up at the ceiling as if expecting it to stop soon. 

"What the actual fuck," he swore loudly since it wasn't working indeed. 

Haechan whined beside him. "This was my best suit". 

Doyoung ignored him and walked towards you again, looking around for his phone. "Aren't there other people in this god-forsaken company?" "Shouldn't it stop by now?" you asked, your voice almost inaudible. "I don't know. Something's broken," he spoke more softly to you.

You patted your jacket and retrieved your phone from the inside pocket. It was slightly damp but it worked. "Here," you handed it to Doyoung as he was about to lose his mind from not finding his. He took it and putting one hand on his hip he called someone. 

In the meantime, Haechan crossed the room again and looked at the desk near you and the papers on the floor. "Shit," he commented. “At least I saved on the server,” he added. 

You looked at his wet strands of hair as he passed a hand on his forehead throwing them back. “Me too,” you said to Haechan, then you both turned to Doyoung. 

"They're coming. Let's leave the roo-" he ordered but his voice died in his throat when he heard what you were talking about. He looked down at the computers, pale as a sheet. “Doyoung?” Haechan’s voice was low and dangerous. “You also saved on the server, right?”

He didn’t and while you’ve followed angry Doyoung fighting with an angry Haechan through the corridos directed to the janitor’s room your head was hurting so badly that you thought it would burst. 

“Listen,” Doyoung stopped suddenly making you almost bump into him, “I am a fucking mess, okay?” his index was pointed towards Haechan. “I am a mess and I have so fucking much on my mind, I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I know this is not an excuse for not doing your job well but guess what, I am not perfect, okay? I am not fucking perfect. I make mistakes and I don’t give a shit, alright? I don’t give a single fuck about anything. And now shut up and go home if you want. You’ve done your part,” he spitted out then busted the janitor’s room open and entered it. 

Haechan was still in the corridor a few steps ahead of you. 

You were both still, shocked by Doyoung’s rage. 

But then Haechan started to chuckle softly and looked at you. 

“He did it, finally,” he said, without giving you any explanation and got into the room as well.

_____

"You've already seen it, Doyoung," you whispered slightly embarrassed. 

Doyoung was in front of you, one hand placed on the other hand’s wrist trying to undone his sleeves, as he watched you getting undressed. 

He looked at the way your bra cupped your soft breasts then promptly turned around. 

“You could have gone to another room,” his voice was steady but his reddish ears gave him away. 

You were told that the janitors had clean uniforms in the storage room and now you were in the middle of getting your soaked clothes off, with no time to go home and get changed since the dear Doyoung didn’t save any of your work. 

“And also, I've never seen anything," he said. "Well, I’m not saying naked but you definitely saw me in a bra before,” you replied. 

Doyoung’s back tightened and he turned around, looking at you from under his wet hair. "I'm afraid you're mistaking me for Johnny," he raised his eyebrows before turning away again. 

You opened your mouth to speak but you were too surprised to say anything. Doyoung's eyes were - you might dare say - jealous and furious. 

Was this what Haechan was talking about before? That he’s done it? Was he talking about Doyoung just owning his true feelings and wearing him of his sleeve? Did he finally snap? 

"Okay, so who is this Johnny guy?" Haechan stepped closer with a sly smile. You looked at him but he wasn't looking at you. No, he was looking at you but not at your face. 

Doyoung raised his gaze for a second and slapped his shoulder. "Look away."

Haechan exaggerated a cry. “I was just curious. I don’t care about Y/N."

“How can you not care about her?” Doyoung mumbled and you swore that your face turned violet. 

Haechan put his tongue in his cheeks annoyed. "Doyoung, you're so fucking stupid. So many months working together and you still didn't get it?" 

"Doyoung," you called him softly. "He's not interested in boobs," you explained with a smile, still shy from Doyoung's previous words. 

Haechan gulped, suddenly blushing even harder. 

Doyoung turned his head around and furrowed his eyebrows at you. 

Then his eyes got wide and when he looked back at Haechan he noticed his red cheeks and the way he tried to not look at Doyoung's naked upper body. 

Doyoung covered his nipples. 

Haechan groaned and hit him. 

“I’m not interested in you either, dumbass,” he added but still turned around to not look at either of you.

_____

It was hours later and you kept glancing at the neon green number on the clock in front of you. You got back to Doyoung’s office to, well, continue or start again everything you’ve done before. 

“If you’re tired, you can go home, it’s fine,” Doyoung’s soft voice grabbed your attention. 

You sighed and closed your computer. 

“Do you want to talk?” you asked with a low voice. 

It was almost a whisper but in the thick silence of the room, disrupted only by the buzz of the computers and your breaths, it sounded almost too loud. You glanced at Haechan, fast asleep with the head on his arms then you glanced at Doyoung again and at his slightly surprised expression. 

That was blunt and all of a sudden. But it was so late and you were exhausted physically and mentally and you couldn’t take it anymore. 

You both knew that you weren’t asking to chat about the weather but he still wanted to make sure. 

“Talk about what?” 

Yeah. Talk about what? Us? Is there an us? There was only you and him and the feelings in between. Talk about feelings? Does he have feelings as well though? Talk about me and my feelings? Fuck. 

You looked down at your hands still on the keyboard and at the way your fingers started to shake. You clasped them together. 

“I still have feelings for you,” you breathed out suddenly, then you looked up for a split second to see Doyoung’s expression. 

His eyes were wide and round, his glossy pupils shaking imperceptibly. He didn’t expect you to say it like that. 

“I know,” he whispered. 

Your breath hitched at his words and you tried to swallow the lump forming in your throat. 

He knows. He knows? He knows. 

Of course, he knows. He probably noticed. You were no actress and you couldn’t fake your emotions. Also, you tried to kiss him just a few hours before that.

He knows. 

Okay. 

That’s it? And now?

You shook your head. “No,” you said. “I don’t think you do”.

Doyoung blinked, a single expression line between his eyebrows. “I don’t just have feelings for you, Doyoung. I am in love with you,” you confessed and this time you tried to sustain his gaze. 

Doyoung’s adam apple went up and down and his lips opened as if he couldn’t breathe. 

“I am foolishly in love with you. I am foolishly in love with everything you are and with everything you do,” your voice trembled. “ “When I think and when I don’t think, you’re still in my mind, roaming around the whole day. And during the night I can’t get any relief from this mind of mine because you’ll visit me again and for a while," you breathed in sharply, talking fast, "-just for a while, the gap inside of me would get filled only for me to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I have so many feelings and all of them are consumed by you and I have so many things but they all mean nothing to me, without you. And I could blame everything and everyone for this but it’s all on me. It’s all on me, Doyoung. I knew everything and I still acted that way and when I heard you before when you said that you couldn’t concentrate or sleep or-” and you choked, tears spilling on your face. 

Your hands found them and you hid your head in your palms only to jolt and look up at your side after a moment.

Doyoung got up in a second and grabbed your hand. 

He was standing there with his fingers around your wrist, flushed and short-breathed. 

Then he pulled you towards him making you stand up and you let him do that, landing in his arms, wrapping yours around his torso, muffling your cry with his shirt, closing your eyes, drifting away, head empty and heart full. 

Doyoung was holding you tight, one hand on your back and the other one on your nape, stroking your hair and shushing you softly. “I hate to see you cry and I hate that I’m the reason for that. I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispered against your temple. You shook your head with an exasperated whine and looked up at him. “You didn’t do anything, Doyoung,” you objected. 

He looked at your face as well. He didn’t expect that. He didn’t expect any of that. His mind was racing and his heard was about to give up. 

“That’s the point,” he explained. “I didn’t do anything. I could have tried more. I walked on eggshells around you the whole time and at the first problem I would just let you go, finding an excuse, being afraid-” “No,” you interrupted him, shaking your head again, “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself." “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself either,” he replied. 

You opened your mouth but didn’t say anything, knowing how stubborn Doyoung could get. 

Okay. Okay. It's fine. 

“Okay, now I-” you looked at your hands, pressed on his chest feeling his heart pumping blood like crazy. 

Your first instinct was to just pull yourself away, telling him that you’ve said everything you had to say. And wait. Wait for him to take the second step, to understand your thoughts without you explaining anything, just like he has always done before. But Johnny’s voice thundered in your head telling you to talk and explain yourself and to use your words, so you raised your head to look at Doyoung again. 

He didn’t look away from you, not for one second, and when you locked eyes he brought one hand up to cup your face and with his thumb he caressed your cheek, removing the last tear. 

“What about you, Doyoung? Do you love me?” your voice trembled. 

Doyoung sighed as if relieved. 

He pulled you close and cupped your face with the other hand as well. 

He leaned in until breathing on your open lips.

“I love you,” he said in the tiniest of whispers. 

“I love you,” he repeated. You whimpered. 

“I love you, Y/N. I love you,” his soft chant continued. 

He said that again and again, kissing you with little pecks, then again after the kiss got slower and as your lips didn’t want to leave each other anymore. 

“Look, I’m glad you idiots finally aren’t idiots anymore,” Haechan’s voice startled you for the third time that day, “but would you get a room? If not I’m going home."

_____

You ended up all going home that night - or very early morning. The project could have granted you all a promotion but you decided that you all didn’t give a single fuck. Everything looked so unimportant now that Doyoung was holding your hand and your muscles relaxed in his arms. 

You felt asleep there, in the crook of his neck, deeply, after months of insomnia. 

You remembered little snaps as he carried to his car. He would shush you when your fingers gripped his shirt harder. 

“Doyoung, it’s fine, I can walk. Put me down,” you whispered going in and out of sleep. “Sleep, I’ll take care of you,” and the kiss he planted on your forehead felt like a spell as you lost consciousness soon after. 

You didn’t wake up a single time during the drive and it was only when you reached your front door that Doyoung woke you up by gently shaking your shoulders. “Sorry,” he said. “Last time I had luck but this time I can’t find your keys,” he added when you fully opened your eyes with a yawn. “My bag now has more stuff in it than when I was at university,” you smiled. Your voice was hoarse from the nap and from the cry you had. 

Then you entered your apartment, walking slowly in silence, and you both undressed, throwing the coarse uniforms away. 

You did it lazily and with no malice, looking at each other bodies, this time without blushing. 

Then you sat down on your bed, completely naked and you looked at Doyoung, naked as well, standing in front of you as he removed the last piece of fabric from his body. 

“Wait,” he suddenly said, and turning around he left the room. You looked at his back as he was walking away and sighed. 

You couldn’t believe it. 

It was so surreal. 

You sighed again deeper, feeling it difficult to breathe. 

You were exhausted and drained, body aching and head-spinning so when Doyoung came back with a glass of water all you could think of was the morning after your terrible meeting with Doyoung. 

That time he was also standing in front of you, with one glass of water in his hand, face lit by the new rays of the sun. He had fewer clothes on now, of course, but for some reason, you started to feel as if no time has passed at all between the two events. There was no misunderstanding, no pain, no fights. 

You smiled and took the water from him. He smiled back and sat down on the bed beside you. His eyes were telling that he knew what you were thinking, like soulmates reading each other’s minds and that he was thinking about it as well. 

“Another thing,” he said and his voice was as tired as yours. “Someone, let's say Fate, told me to tell you that I am not married and that I am ready to fight for our love,” he added looking at you with a little nervous smile. 

Your eyes widened. 

“But-” you felt overwhelmed. “But the ring,” you mumbled looking down at his hands as your brain was trying to run at a speed too high for your tired cells. Doyoung looked at his hands as well before raising them up and showing that they were bare. “It was just a random ring. You assumed things,” he replied. 

You looked back at his face, confused and dizzy. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why-” you gulped, “why didn’t you call?”

Doyoung sighed. 

“I also assumed things. I thought you didn’t love me,” he tightened his lips. “I am sorry,” he whispered wrapping your shoulders with his arms and pulling you towards him. He nudged at your temple while you processed the information, repeating the apology, planting little kisses on your temple. 

“Does this change something?” he asked after a whole minute of silence. His voice sounded afraid and you looked up at him. 

“No, love, no, shh, don’t get me wrong,” you assured him with a pained expression, cupping his face. 

He let you do that, slightly surprised and definitely flushed by the sudden pet-name. “This is even better, isn’t it? I mean, you’re not married,” you chuckled a little. 

Doyoung cupped your face as well, his thumbs pressing at the corners of your eyes. 

“Then why are you crying?” he whispered so softly that it made you sob even harder. 

Your lower lip trembled looking at his eyes, at his expression, at his face, drinking him in. 

“I’m just happy. And I love you. I love you so much and all of this is just-” you smiled through the tears unable to go on. 

You were too exhausted and emotional to be rational in that moment. You had do idea what to do and you just wanted to be. 

Doyoung’s pupils shook as he bit his lip, trying not to cry as well. 

“God, how much water do I need to make you drink to make up for all of these tears?” he chuckled lightly as a few tears fell on his cheeks as well. 

You were both there, naked, crying, and laughing at the same time and you’ve never felt happier in your whole life. 

“What happened though? How did you end up not getting married? What did your parents-” you started to ask wiping your face. Doyoung closed his eyes and shook his head, letting himself fall down on the bed and dragging you with him. “Later,” he mumbled getting you both under the covers when you landed on his chest. 

You smiled and closed your eyes as well. 

And you both slept a lot, hugging each other tight, bare limbs intertwined together, skin pressing on skin, lips murmuring loving whispers. It was the highest level of intimacy, naked in front of each other, and clothes had nothing to do with it. 

Your souls were open and your emotions out, telling each other everything, with no fear and with no more pride.

[beepbeepdespair]

Coincidence - a [REDACTED] x Schmitty fanfic, part 2

(Note, added 25/1/24: this fic was written in 2021, it is now long abandoned, to be honest I don't know if I'll keep it up bc I'm not sure how I feel about the ship now. We'll see)

The chapter a day strategy is working, at least for now- Hopefully this is as good as yesterday's. At least I'm really enjoying writing it! It's super self-indulgent but eh, whatever. I should note that this will make no sense whatsoever if you haven't read the last chapter so if you haven't, go check it out quickly. I'm tired from schoolwork today so let's hope this makes sense...

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It started off as just another quiet day at the hotel. [REDACTED] never thought he'd end up being a maid most of the time, but that's how it was now. He paused between folding clothes to imagine himself in a stereotypical sexy maid outfit; thigh-highs, frilly skirt, whatever those silly little headdresses are... He laughed quietly. It probably wouldn't suit him, but it still wouldn't hurt to try it sometime. Not that he had anyone to wear it for though. He'd been single for several long years now, but it wasn't really surprising when he was a serial killer. Amazingly, not many people want to kiss you when you smell like blood.

He looked around the empty room and thought of the many more in the hotel. In fact, it was just him today. It was quiet... too quiet. As much as he hated to admit it, he did want someone else in his life. It would take a miracle to find someone who would date him, but he was still holding on. The best case scenario was that one day some hot guy with a thing for slashers would show up and then he'd have someone to put a show on for... but that probably wouldn't happen. He would be doomed to a life of folding the clothes of dead ex-guests and selling them on Ebay. Fully washed, of course. The man had standards.

It wasn't like he didn't enjoy the life he had; as well as being super fun, Trivia Murder Party was a pretty good earner too. Not on the level of Quiplash obviously, but still very respectable. It's just that he wished he had someone to share all of this with. Someone that looked past the jokes and saw him as the classy, intelligent man he really was. He folded yet another shirt and thought about the guy who'd walked in wearing it.

Tall, dark, pretty clever, but still not really his type. He liked his guys fair and a little more bouncy, but that was just because of his- no, he wouldn't even call it a crush. That was too childish. His... affection. Anyway. This one was weirdly calm when he met his end. Obviously not happy about it, but not the level that [REDACTED] had seen from some past guests. He said he'd taken the exit because it was getting too dark to keep driving and stumbled upon the place, which was a pretty typical story. Not enough to pity him for, certainly, but then [REDACTED] never really pitied anyone. He always made sure to leave his heart at the door of the control room where he ran the games: he'd learnt the lesson hard that it didn't pay to get attached to people.

He'd made the stupid mistake of falling in love with someone who barely knew he existed and certainly wouldn't love him back. He had to watch as he got closer and closer to one of the other guys in his friend group. They were probably dating now. What was the other one's name? Cookie? What a stupid name. His parents must have hated him. He started dusting the room with a hint of anger in his actions. Of course he understood that morally Cookie was probably better for his affection, but he still felt the sting of jealousy you'd expect in this situation. He was human after all. He wished he could say that he'd gotten over it and didn't like that guy anymore, but there was always a spark of hope in him that something would change... and that spark became a fire that day.

He was just about done when there was the sound of crunching outside. A new guest? That would be nice. If he was left alone with his thoughts any longer he'd probably go crazy... Well, crazier. He went over to the window and peered round the edge enough to see while also keeping his face hidden as much as possible. What he saw made his heart stop for a second.

Schmitty. The damn idiot he fell in love with, struggling through the snow and stumbling into the car park.

He pulled away from the window and leant against the wall next to it as Schmitty looked up. How the hell had he gotten here and why? Especially in this weather. The reason [REDACTED]'s parents had picked this spot for the hotel was because it was out of the way, which made the flow of 'customers' manageable. It normally only dragged in the foolish and desperate who stumbled in late at night lost and confused, but right now it was nearly midday. What the fuck is going on?

He peered out of the window again. Schmitty was grinning from ear to ear, clearly tired and relieved to find somewhere to stay. [REDACTED] was dying to call out to him and finally make him aware that he existed, but at the same time he wanted to stay anonymous. As much as he loved Schmitty, he didn't trust him not to freak out and call the police once he knew what he'd done, especially to Schmitty himself. However, fate was to make that decision for him.

His eyes widened as Schmitty suddenly dropped to the floor and lay still. He could guess what was happening; it was worryingly cold out there and Schmitty had nowhere near enough layers on, which made sense since he wasn't planning on getting out of the car until he got home, but [REDACTED] wasn't to know that. At any rate, Schmitty would probably die if he spent much longer out there. [REDACTED] decided to risk him waking up and seeing his face in order to get him inside. There was no way he could just leave him.

He ran downstairs, grabbed his trenchcoat and burst out of the front door before crouching down so he could lift Schmitty's head and see his face. It was tinged with blue but still as handsome as always. [REDACTED] blushed but shook his head violently, causing snowflakes to fall onto his coat. This wasn't the time to be thinking about that. He picked him up with difficulty (he had experience with the fact that unconscious people are surprisingly heavy) and dragged him into the hotel before kicking the door closed. He dragged him across the lobby and down a corridor, paused for breath, then heaved him up a flight of stairs, down another corridor and into the room he had been in before.

He sat down on the bed and looked down at the man in his arms. He looked like a sleepy little angel. [REDACTED] blushed again. It seemed like things were beginning to look up for him after all.

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God I love these two- they're both walking disasters so they're perfect for each other. Oh also in case you didn't understand it, the guy I was talking about in paragraph 4 was the narrator in the tmp2 credits song. Had a galaxy brain moment with that one. Next chapter is going to be a combination of viewpoints, starts with Schmitty but then kinda goes to both of them... but that's for tomorrow. I'm tired af so I'm off to listen to kpop and maybe draw a little. Please spread this around if you like it, see y'all tomorrow for chapter 3! Woohoo

[rorykillmore]

posting up a birthday gift fic for @alula !!! aka i decided to ambush them by not telling them i usually do this for my friends’ birthdays until like yesterday, but it’s the same idea! this is basically just like 1000+ words of gay introspection for our one villaneve rp verse, but one time they attacked me w something they wrote re: eve trying to tell villanelle she loves her while the latter was sleeping and i guess i just filed that away in the back of my brain until i could find a way to get revenge.

anyway a few nice words: i hope you have a great birthday scully!!! and. this might sound like a very low bar bc 2020 has been awful for all of us i’m sure, but meeting you and becoming friends has genuinely ended up one of the brightest highlights of my year and i’m so glad we stumbled across each other bc we both wanted someone to yell about ke with.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 

‘Feelings that can’t be put into words’ has never sounded like anything but a challenge to Villanelle. There are 6,500 different languages in the world. It stands to reason that if you can’t find the words you’re want in one of them, you just have to look somewhere else. 

The problem is -- she knows the words she wants to say to Eve. She has them. They exist in all 6,500 of those languages.

She’s already said them once.

She wonders to herself, over and over:  if she said them again, would they ruin everything a second time?

The textbook definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So Villanelle tries - in every way she knows how - not to be the same person she was before. Not to make the same mistakes.

“I want to tell you something,” Villanelle murmurs, catching Eve by the hand. It’s late, and they’ve just dropped Jin Ling off at his new apartment and packed it full of food and clothes (Villanelle had wanted to make sure he had clothes) and dog toys in preparation to move him in. Eve looks as tired as Villanelle feels when she turns back towards her, but the look in her eyes is as alert and questioning as it always is when she’s giving Villanelle her attention.

I’m listening. I’m usually listening when it comes to you,  Eve had told her once, and, I spent a ton of time listening to you before you even talked to me, and Villanelle had tucked all of those words away somewhere close to her heart.

They make Villanelle hesitate now, on the verge of something not for the first time.

(The first time had been the first night they’d spent together, in between the heated kisses Villanelle had trailed across her skin and in the contented quiet afterwards. Or after that, the night Eve had spent curled up in her lap after Villanelle had wiped away the tears she hadn’t quite understood in the moment.)

She deludes herself, in those few seconds in which Eve’s eyes meet her’s, that she’ll say it this time. But her throat starts to feel dry, and instead --

“I think I am starting to enjoy it.” Villanelle swallows and offers a crooked smile. “This... helping people?”

It isn’t a lie. So that’s something. It’s not the rush or the elation she remembers she used to get when she was hurting people -- it’s more like a quiet, contemplative sort of ache in her chest. She doesn’t know why she likes it. Maybe it’s the novelty of it all. 

Maybe it’s the way Eve looks at her now, the way she almost seems to soften at the edges. It wasn’t what Villanelle wanted to say, but the unguarded way Eve smiles back at her and doesn’t let go of her hand, it makes Villanelle decide that maybe it was worth it anyway.

It’s not as though she doesn’t have plenty of other chances.

She and Eve see each other nearly every day now. Most mornings start with them waking up together, and most evenings end with one of them outside the other’s door (or window, when it comes to Villanelle’s preferred method of entry). Villanelle starts to wonder how well she’d sleep in an empty bed, she’s gotten so used to tucking herself against Eve’s back, slinging an arm around her waist. She wouldn’t dare call it domestic, or normal, or any of the things Villanelle knows she can’t have and would never try to force Eve into.

But it’s... them. All the heat and passion and intensity Villanelle already knows so well, but also all of the smaller things that she is still learning that somehow feel equally a part of whatever they are. 

So it’s not as though the opportunities aren’t there. It’s just that it never feels like the right time.

She doesn’t want to scare Eve off or bring all their memories of Rome back into the forefront, and above all else, she doesn’t want to lie to her. Or to herself. And no matter how certain Villanelle is that she’s never felt this way about anyone else in her life, or that she wouldn’t have thrown her life as an assassin away and risked the terrifying reality of not knowing who she is for anyone but Eve, or that she might actually choose to die before ever hurting Eve again, she... can’t be sure that any of that counts as love. Because she doesn’t know what love looks like, or what it feels like, she doesn’t know if she really was wrong the last time she said it and she doesn’t know who to ask.

You don’t understand what that is. 

I want to, Villanelle thinks she should have said. I’m trying. I’m sorry. I’ll find a way to make it better, just know that I’m trying.

But that hadn’t been how Rome had ended. And since then, so much has happened, and Villanelle has had to ask herself so many unpleasant questions that she once would have preferred not to ever think about at all, but... 

Maybe that’s a part of it. Of trying. Because after she’d gone home to her family, to her mother, she’d almost forgotten that it was worth trying at all, and Eve had reminded her so effortlessly just by showing up here, in this strange, dreamlike alternate reality. And that has to mean something, doesn’t it? That Eve always makes her want to try?

That Eve takes her coffee black (sometimes), that she raised venus fly traps as a kid and loved a girl in college, that she had a chicken for a pet and loves cute newborn kittens and scrawny stray cats, and that she thrives on the arguments she pretends to hate, that she cares about people even when they’ve done very bad things, that she’s fighting all the time to figure herself out, to know herself, that it scares her all the time but that she does it anyway. All of that means something to Villanelle. She wants to find the words for how much she cares about every part of Eve that Eve ever lets her see, and they’re right there, Villanelle knows that, just --

She never knew that ‘knowing’ and ‘saying’ could be such complicated different things.

So what’s there to do, Villanelle decides, shying away from paralyzing nerves that don’t at all become her, except keep trying? 

“I want to tell you something,” she murmurs again a few days later, this time into the place where the slope of Eve’s neck meets her shoulder, where Villanelle can hide her face.  She knows that’s cheating, though, and eventually stretches out and lifts her head and props herself up on one elbow, smiling languidly down at Eve in an effort to pretend that her heart isn’t nearly beating out of her chest.

This time, it’s the morning after they’ve officially defined their... relationship. Villanelle has tried to play it cool, really - she had laughed and was appropriately incredulous when Eve had confessed she’d been texting Hanzo about them, of all people - but she’s also spent the last twelve hours (or what she’s spent of them awake and coherent and not preoccupied by Eve herself, anyway) tossing around the word girlfriend in her head like some giddy teenager.  

Eve, perhaps hoping Villanelle is about to reveal a similarly embarrassing story about someone she has consulted for advice about their relationship, raises her eyebrows expectantly. “Don’t hold me in suspense.”

“I...” Villanelle falters again. Swallows. Tries to fight off an inward surge of frustration at herself, because that will definitely ruin the moment. And maybe some of it shows on her face, in her eyes, some vulnerability or fear or just how much she feels for Eve, because Eve’s bemusement softens into something more like concern.

“Villanelle --” Eve reaches up, and Villanelle feels the warmth of her hand against her cheek. She remembers the first time, what feels like so long ago back in Eve’s kitchen when this very same gesture was used to disarm. Now it feels... different, and Villanelle leans into her touch without even really thinking  about it. “ -- It’s okay. You can tell me.”

Villanelle knows Eve too well not to sense her nerves. Maybe she’s already guessed what Villanelle wants to say, or maybe she hasn’t and it’s the uncertainty that’s killing her, but she waits for Villanelle anyway, tells her that it’s okay anyway, doesn’t prompt or push her or try to deflect. 

And inexplicably it’s not a big fireworks moment, but this small, singular instance of selfless, uncharacteristic patience that makes Villanelle certain. Or maybe she always has been, and it’s just that she needs Eve there in front of her, both their guards dropped, for it to feel tangible. 

Villanelle doesn’t know what she is or isn’t, whether her mother and the Twelve and everyone who’s ever told her what she’s supposed to be were right or wrong, but she knows that she loves Eve. If there was ever a person she was capable of shattering every expectation and defying all the odds to love, it’d be Eve. And if she can’t quite bring herself to say it yet... that doesn’t make it any less true.

She covers the hand resting against her cheek with her own and turns her head just enough to press a feather-light kiss to the inside of Eve’s palm, barely able to hide a smile when some of Eve’s quiet apprehension seems to melt. Then for good measure - and because she can’t stop herself - she leans down and kisses Eve properly, slow and somehow unhurried despite every feeling she is determined to pour into it.

And she hadn’t meant to linger, but Eve kisses her back without hesitating, and Villanelle’s always found it difficult to resist getting lost in her. So she gives in, doesn’t resist, and like always with Eve, finds there is something strangely grounding in letting herself get lost. She hopes Eve feels it too. She hopes that - for right now - it’s enough.

“I’ll tell you later,” Villanelle murmurs against her lips once she’s just barely pulled away, and tries to make it sound like a promise.

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

EDIT: Sorry Meg I lost the post idk where it is and I’m a little tired to look for it, sorry. In the morning I’ll find it ;)

@megatraven lOokKk! People who read this, this idea is kinda my idea but ALSO part of Megs wonderful post. Go look at it >:). But yeah. Also, italics means it’s a flashback.

He always believed in her. Whenever she joined H.E.R.A, he believed she could do things to make things better. He saw her grow up and how she did everything to help people. He was basically one of the people that taught her to do that. But he truly believes that it’s just in her soul. Even if he wasn’t there, he believes she would’ve done the right thing.

But he didn’t know doing the right thing would eventually lead her somewhere he prayed wouldn’t happen. Somewhere he hoped and begged the gods to not let someone else he loved go to. However, it still happened and his world crashed around him.

One day he woke up to a knock on his door. He got up sleepily and was confused at first. It was around 10 AM. However, he didn’t know if it was important, so he got up and answered it. He was a little surprised to see Alex there, but he noticed MC wasn’t there.

“Hey, Alex. Is something up?” Alex was sitting on the couch with Josh next to him. Josh noticed the distant look in their eyes and how they were silent for awhile. Alex was not the one to really be shy. However, Josh gave them time. He understood what it’s like to need time to explain yourself. So, after around 5 minutes of silence, Alex took in a breath and looked at Josh with such sadness. “I tried, Josh. I really did. I tried to prevent what happened, I gave everything in me, my mother tried so hard too, but...”. They stopped, eyes going to the ground as they braved themselves for what they were going to repeat.

“MC is gone...”.

Sounds seemed to stop, the world seemed to stop moving. Alwx didn’t move and Josh didn’t dare to move, as if this was a dream. Well, a nightmare. However, it wasn’t, and Josh eventually let out a cry. He didn’t like to be weak in front of people, he felt like he had to be the strong one. He guessed it runs in the family. Alex then began to panic again. “I’m sorry. I tried so hard, Josh, but nothing worked,” they told him, tears sliding down their cheeks as well.

Josh knew they would’ve done everything. Alex was family and knew how they loved MC and how she loved them back. You could basically see it in both of their faces when they just looked at each other. It’s what made Josh happy. Alex was family to him and to see MC and Alex finally get together, it made Josh extemwlt happen. However, he couldn’t stop that pang of anger, but he hid it. Because he knew he truly couldn’t hate Alex. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t in his soul. However, it still hurt, god it hurt. He lost his mother, which caused his protectivness over his sister. However, when she grew older, he believed in her, he always did. But now...she was gone...and there was nothing he could do about it.

Alex and Josh both cried for the rest of the afternoon. They couldn’t think of anything else to do. After their sobbing was done, Alex left after one more apology. Josh reassures then that it was okay. He knows they tried their hardest. However, both of them knew the other wasn’t okay, but both knew they needed time alone.

Josh went to his bedroom and sat on the bed, his life starting to feel not normal. Not even sitting on the bed felt right. He let out small, hyperventilating breaths every now and then. He felt hungry, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. It was so long ago when he felt like this, but he always pushed to be better since he had his sister to care for. His sister...that was now gone. He fell back on his bed and looked at the ceiling, which caused a memory of him and his sister to pop into his mind.

He and his sister were laying on her bed in her room, looking at the ceiling. Their mom had bought them this machine that projected stars on the ceiling and they acted like they were stargazing. “Woah!” MC was 8 and she found this so cool. Josh and her looked at the stars and just admired them. They may not have been real, but they both loved them. Josh felt a little poke on his shoulder and turned his head to the side to see MC looking at him. “Will you take me to actually see the stars?” He smiled at his sister and ruffled her hair. “Of course I will!” MC giggled and looked back at the ceiling. It was a lovely night.

He sighed at that memory. It would’ve caused happiness to bloom if it was yesterday, but now it caused sadness and grief to form. He did take her to the park to see the stars one night. Their mom came too and it was all perfect. But now, those 2 people were gone. The hole that was left from his mothers death suddenly got wider and bigger, almost taking up his whole heart. It hurt, it felt he was dying, but he knew it wasn’t.

Fate wouldn’t be that kind to him.

On the day of her funeral, it was held at a graveyard, but in the corner of it. They all wanted MC to have a special place for herself like her mother did, but Josh refused to have it on Olympus. He may have wanted MC to feel at peace...but he couldn’t step foot into Olympus now, and he knew her need to see her when he felt lonely and cold again. None of the gods and goddesses dared to look him in the eye. Hatred was surrounding him, but it was drowned out by sadness. Hades and Aphrodite walked over to him and tried to comfort him. He tried to hold back his mouth, he knew how Hades and Aphrodite felt about his mom and MC. He may not be as close to them, but he does believe they would’ve done anything to keep MC safe.

Around 2 months after the burial, Josh was walking downtown and knew exactly where he was heading. It was to his sisters grave. The one place he believed he could go to and feel...safe. The one place he felt like someone was actually there. Well, when he was at his mothers grave he felt the same way, but he hasn’t felt that in over 10 years, and now he felt it again...and it hurt so bad. But he still went there, craving some kind of comfort. Even if she wasn’t there.

He arrived there and saw someone already there. It was a familiar figure, but one he hadn’t seen for 10 years (other than MCs recent funeral). He couldn’t help the little pang of anger that was in his heart. He saw Aphrodite and his mom together. He saw the closeness and could see how happy his mom was with her. And he knew that she cared for him and MC. He knew she would’ve done everything she could’ve to save MC...but it wasn’t enough. He was feeling a little anxious, but still walked and joined her. He heard her letting out little sobs. She jumped at him sitting next to her, but she looked at him and her tears fell even faster.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried, me and Alex tried so hard. So did Hades. We tried, Josh, I’m so sorry,” she said, hiccups in between her words. Josh looked at her and his tears also fell. He may not have been close to Aphrodire like MC and his mom were, but he did care for her as well. His tears fell as well. “I know.” It was the only thing he could say. His throat was tight with emotion and he didn’t know what else to say. Aphrodite nodded and looked back to MCs grave and continued to sob. Joshs tears were silent and let out soft sobs. He just couldn’t let everything out with Aphrodite right there and he couldn’t talk to her.

He and Aphrodite stayed there, sitting next to each other for another hour. It felt so tight and it felt like neither of them could leave. They felt like they had to get their tears out now to let MC know they were sorry. To let MC know they cared and missed her. Josh was actually surprised to not see Alex with their mother. He’s assuming that Alex needed some time alone for awhile.

He thinks that’s what everyone needs. And now...everyone has too much of it. No one wants to address it or speak of it, just like their mothers death. Now, so many people were affected by her and her mother, so it leaves a big hole in everyone’s heart.

But no one was hurting as much as her brother is.

OKAY!!! I hope you liked this Meg and everyone else! I really liked this idea and (once again) Meg helped me come up with the idea in our conversations and my brain was like “hmmm. WRITING TIME.” This has been in my mind for awhile and I finally have written it all out. No proofreading bc I’m rlly tired and need to sleep (unless Meg says a response or I actually can’t sleep). So, bYE for right now and love you Meg❤️❤️🥺.

[writemywaytoyourheart]

Requested: no, not at all

a/n: this has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me y'all. the only reason I made this was bc I want you all to know what can happen when you leave someone behind. So if you're struggling, please talk to someone, talk to me, my asks and dms are always open. Ily

*Listen to Clouds by Before You Exit, either before or after reading this*

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader

Genre: angst, bits of fluff scattered about, but just pure angst if we're being honest here.

Warnings: Language, suicidal death, panic attacks, depression, lots of hurt and depressed Kookoo I'm so sorry.

Word Count: 5.7k hoo

Read at your own emotional risk. If this is triggering for you do not read it please. Go find happy fluff on my Masterlist

The smile on your face could fool anyone. It sure did fool him.

The way you danced to the music no matter where you were or who was watching, made his heart skip a beat in his chest.

You would belt out whatever song was playing, even if you didn't know all the lyrics. A ton of 'la la la's' would ensue and he couldn't control his giggles while watching you. His heart pounded in his chest everytime he heard you sing, even though you weren't the best singer in the world.

The way you would subtly tell him that you were hungry–dramatically grabbing your stomach and groaning about how your belly button was surely sucking your spine because of how empty it was down there.

Your eyes would light up when he suggested getting lunch, and 'oh yeah sure, if you're hungry' would be your nonchalant reply, although the brightness in your eyes and the skip in your step as you hurried ahead of him gave you away. His heart fluttering as he was tripping over himself to catch up to you.

The way your eyes would get bigger as you looked at the food choices, whether he took you to a restaurant or a random food stand on the sidewalk. You were so excited every time.

The day Jungkook asked you to be his girlfriend would be etched into your memory forever. You'd been friends for about a year, he trusted you with everything and would always turn to you, and he knew that you were the person that he wanted to spend his life with, maybe have a family with someday. He actually knew it the day he first laid eyes on you–you were introducing yourself to them all, and reached Jungkook last stretching your hand out to shake his and the second you touched him–a bell went off. It startled Jungkook and he whirled around trying to find where it came from. He found that it was Jimin's alarm as the older boy quickly turned it off. He never told anyone until you two were dating, you were both hopeless romantics and you squealed in delight when he told you the story. He knew then that you were his soulmate.

The day he asked you to be his was in the spring, you two were walking along a path of cherry blossom trees. It was cliché but his cute stutter and pink cheeks made it a thousand times better.

Of course you also had your bad days, everyone does. But you always tried your best to keep a smile on your face. He admired you a lot for that. But he loved you just as much when you cried for hours, lying in his arms, feeling like you wanted to give up, when you didn't know what to do anymore, though he always helped you come down from that. On the less serious days, you would rant for a bit about what had you down, then suggest a dance party, and he would happily oblige.

You two would spin around dancing and singing along to the songs until your lungs inevitably gave out or your head got too dizzy, then you'd plop on the ground in a fit of giggles. Troubles long forgotten.

At least that's what you made him believe.

Yeah, you definitely fooled him.

Now you were gone.

And he would never get the chance to ask you why.

-

"Hello?"

"....Kookie?" Your voice on the other line sounded weak, it was late and he was worried you might be sick.

"Hey baby, what are you doing?"

"...Kookie, I'm sorry." Your voice broke at the end, Jungkook didn't think he'd ever heard you sound so sad and tired.

"What do you mean baby? It's okay, what's going on? Talk to me."

"Jungkook, I...I lo-" Were you crying? He tried to stay calm, "Y/n? Baby, what is it?" You didn't answer so he spoke again, a little louder this time, "Y/n, please answer me love."

...

'Hyung, I think I need to go to Y/n.'

All he can remember is pale.....pale walls, pale tiled floors, your body lying limp on them, pale pills dumped on the floor next to you.

Confusion and panic.

That's all he can remember. No matter how hard he tries to forget it.

Voices shouting around him. Someone grabbing his arms when he started to fade. Jin hyung picking you up in his arms, cradling your lifeless body and hurrying out of the bathroom. Where had the light in your eyes gone? Why did they look so empty?

'She's tired...she needs to sleep.'

He kept repeating the words to Hoseok who was holding him up now. Hoseok just nodded silently and held the youngest up the best he could.

'Hyung, she's sick. She needs medicine. She needs to sleep.'

Why was no one listening to him? Why was Jimin crying? Where did Y/n and Jin hyung go? What was going on? Why was Yoongi hyung shouting into a phone?

Hoseok practically carried Jungkook to the car, pushing him in and slamming the door shut behind them.

Why wouldn't Jimin stop crying? Why was Tae pale as a ghost as he sped down the road? Why was Namjoon trying to calm everyone down? Where were Y/n, Jin, and Yoongi?

What the hell is going on??

There you were, someone was wheeling you into a white room, on a white bed, your hair splayed haphazardly around your face.

That was the night he lost you.

That night.....It will haunt him for the rest of his life.

-

"Shut up Kookoo!" You laugh and hit him playfully, he couldn't help but reach out and tickle your sides to get you to stop smacking his chest–causing you to shriek and flail away from him. He loved that nickname that you always called him, and he wouldn't dare let anyone else call him that.

"Why should I?" He laughed as you kept trying to get away from his tickle attack. He had just beaten you at yet another round of 'Sorry', that stupid passive-agressive board game, and he wouldn't stop teasing you for making that one dumb move.

"It was a stupid accident Kook! Just shuddup already!" You couldn't stop laughing and kicking at him, trying to knock him off of you.

Eventually he pins your arms to your sides, and lays on top of you. You try not to let a smile break as he grins down at you, then he leans down and kisses your nose softly, then both your cheeks, he rubs his nose against yours before kissing your lips, "sorry baby, I'll stop teasing you now." He leans down and starts kissing all over your face again, giggles leaving your lips at the ticklish feeling...Then he takes your hand and looks at the little silver ring on your pointer finger–he had a matching one on his–he traces it and looks for the little engraving on it, then reads it aloud, " 'forever and always', remember when you didn't want that on it?" He makes a face at you and you laugh, "it's not that I didn't want it, it just sounded cheesy at the time. But I love it." He kisses you again,

"I love you Y/n."

"Love you too Kookoo."

-

"What are you saying?" The confusion and fear shook Jungkook's voice as he looked back and forth between Jin and the doctor he met only hours ago. None of the other members around could meet his eyes.

"What are you s-saying?" He repeated the question when no one answered him. The sound of Tae's voice cracking and his sobs starting didn't even register in Jungkook's brain. He didn't see Jimin trying to figure out who to go to, then settling on hugging Tae as if his life depended on it, seeing as Jungkook wasn't in the state to be touched.

"Please answer me." His voice was steadier than he expected. The doctor was the only one willing to look him in the eyes, "I'm sorry...but she's gone."

"Gone where?"

"What?"

"You're confusing me, please, just." Jungkook was obviously struggling, his eyes started to burn, from confusion and the frustration of not being understood.

"Jungkook-" Jin's eyes were red as he stepped forward to take his young friend's arm, but Jungkook moved back, away from Jin's reach.

"Can I please just go see her now? She needs me." Jungkook's voice broke again and he just wanted to scream, what was the matter with everyone? Why couldn't he go to you? "She needs me...."

"Jungkook, your girlfriend, she's-"

"...what?"

"She's dead, Jungkook. I'm sorr-"

"Stop it."

"Jungkook please-" Yoongi stepped up to him now, trying to take his arm, tears streaming steadily down the usually composed elder hyung's cheeks.

"Don't lie to me."

Namjoon and Hoseok were turned away, they couldn't watch anymore, their own faces were damp with tears, their eyes red and swollen.

"Jungkook, I wouldn't do that, I wish I could say it isn't true." The doctor himself was close to breaking down in tears, even though he'd seen many deaths, "I don't think it's a good idea for you to back there right no-"

Jungkook ignored him and pushed past everyone, heading straight to the room you were wheeled into a few hours ago.

The second he saw you lying on the bed, cold and motionless; his mind shut down. That wasn't you. That isn't you. It can't be. He saw you yesterday, you were in his arms yesterday. That wasn't you. He didn't know who that was, but his Y/n was fine, she was at home sleeping, she had work tomorrow. They were going to hang out tomorrow when she was done. Get ice cream and walk in the park.

You were alive. You were fine. They were all pranking him and trying to make him cry. He should call you, call you and tell on them. They were pranking him and it wasn't funny. You would scold the other members and cuddle him to make it okay again.

The sound of Hoseok sucking in a deep breath brought Jungkook back, he turned and saw the other members staring at the person in the bed. They looked sick, like they were going to cry or throw up, Jimin looked close to passing out. Jungkook shoved past them, "you're all assholes, I'm telling Y/n on you and you'll be sorry when she scolds you." Taehyung reached out for Jungkook, tears flowing freely down his face, "J-Jungkook, where are going?"

"I'm going to call Y/n, leave me alone." The boys stared after him in horror. They couldn't process everything that was happening too quickly.

Jungkook's hands shake as he dials your number, listening to the ringing. It rings again and again and again. He hangs up and tries again, after more ringing he gets sent to your voicemail; 'Hello this is Y/n, I'm sorry but I can't answer the phone right now, please leave a message. Unless you're Jungkook, in that case please call again, Kookoo! I'll answer for you.' your laugh bubbles out and then there's a beep, his voice gets caught in his throat, "Y-Y/n, it's Jungkook, please answer your phone, the boys did something horrible and I need to hear you." He tries to keep a steady voice, calling once more and getting the same message that says if it's him, to call again. So he does, again and again and again.

-

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

Jungkook leapt up from your bed and sprinted to the living room after hearing your shout come from the bathroom, no way was he letting you get ahold of him now. He couldn't stop his giggles as he jumped on the couch and waited for you to get your revenge. Sure enough a few seconds later you stormed out of the hallway, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Jeon Jungkook what the hell is the matter with you??" Your hands are on your hips as you glare at the boy playing innocent in front of you.

"What do you mean Y/n?" His eyes are big and brown causing you to hesitate getting angry, curse his beautiful doe eyes.

"I'm gonna get you back Jeon." You harshly point an accusing finger at him and turn to stalk back to your room. At the sight of your wet shorts he bursts into a fit of laughter. You swing back around and glare at him again.

"Something funny?" There's no hint of amusement in your voice and he chokes back another laugh, biting his lip and shaking his head. You turn and go back down the hallway to change, "very unoriginal prank Jungkookie, very unoriginal. Just you wait. I'll get you worse than that." Yeah, plastic wrap on the toilet seat when you really had to pee was very unfunny.

"Love you babe!" He calls after you, smiling to himself, and chuckles when he hears you shout back,

"Shuddup, Kookoo."

-

"Shut up, you're a liar!!"

"Jungkookie, please, just listen to me." Tears streamed down Jimin's face as he held his hands out to his best friend, completely helpless.

"Get out!" Jungkook's voice broke despite the volume he was using.

"I'm not gonna leave you." Jimin's voice trembled and he sat down on the couch inside their dorm.

Jungkook clenched his fists, trying not to lash out at Jimin. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Jungkook, you need to go to the funeral. It's the least you can do." Jimin speaks up again after a few minutes. Jungkook turned on him instantly, "the least I can do? The least I can do? Who the fuck do you think you are telling me what to do?!" Jimin flinched at the words Jungkook was shouting down at him.

"Do it for her."

"Shut up."

"She loved you Jungkook."

"Stop saying that."

"I won't, because it's true."

"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Jungkook hadn't meant to scream that loud, Yoongi ran into the living room from the back when he heard the shouting.

"What's going on?" Yoongi looked back and forth between the two boys, confusion that turned into sadness written all over his face when he saw Jungkook tearing up. Jimin was the one to speak up, "he won't go to her funeral next week. He says she didn't love him." Yoongi looked back at Jungkook and saw tears spilling down the boy's face. The thoughts running around in his head were going to swallow him up.

You were selfish. How could you leave him like that? He hated you. No he didn't. He couldn't hate you no matter how hard he tried. No, he hated himself for loving you.

"Jungkook, I think you should go. At least for some closure." Yoongi said quietly and cautiously. After a minute Jungkook finally nodded, he would go. If it meant it would help him forget you.

-

Whenever he had a bad day, your face would pop into his mind and he'd immediately text you, asking if he could come over. You would always reply right away, and he'd smile down at the words 'of course love, please come over.' So he would.

You would end up holding him in your arms, it didn't matter that he was bigger than you, your arms would wrap around as much of him as they could hold, gently rocking him back and forth. His tears hitting your chest and bringing tears to your own eyes, when he was in pain, so were you.

You'd sit there for as long as it took, a few times you two had been in that position all night long. Sometimes you would sing to him, his favorite songs, lyrics tumbling from your lips, voice cracking beautifully in his ears. His sobs would turn to shaky breaths as he listened to the imperfectly perfect sound of your voice. Your hand stroking his hair, letting him know that you were there, you'd always be there.

-

You lied to me.

Those are the only thoughts that pass through his head as he stands among all the people dressed in black. A picture of you smiling is sat on top of a closed casket, your eyes seemed to be looking straight into his.

Why did you lie?

Jungkook feels someone's arm touch his, he turns and sees your mother holding onto him. Her eyes are red and swollen from all the tears she's cried in the past week, and they don't seem to be stopping anytime soon. He turns and hugs her tightly, his throat closing up at her weeping. Once she collects herself she looks up at him, "thank you Jungkook," he looks at her in confusion, "what for?" His voice is barely above a whisper and he feels his throat closing up again at her next words, "for loving my beautiful daughter. You made her happy. I don't think we'll ever know why she did it, but you're the reason she was here for so long, I do know that. She wanted to marry you." A sob escapes Jungkook's throat, "I w-was going to ask her." Your mother cries harder and holds his arm tighter, "I know, I know sweetie, thank you Jungkook, she loved you so much. Thank you."

A little while into the funeral, Jungkook starts to feel himself panic; his breaths getting shorter and shallower. You weren't here to talk him out of this panic attack. You would never be here again. The other members are all sitting stone faced, their eyes are red and a few have tears welling up again. You're never going to make Yoongi laugh again, or make Jimin blush, or tease Namjoon for being clumsy, or compliment Jin on how handsome he is, you'd never dance with Hoseok again, and who would listen to Tae talk about the most random things, with a look of pure awe and interest in what he was wanting to say? Jungkook starts to hyperventilate and when people turn and look at him he rushes out of the room and into the hallway, trying to find someplace to be alone.

The hallway is dark and he sits on the floor a ways away from where the funeral is being held. That's when the tears come; flooding down his face instantly, and his sobs wrack his entire body, he can't get a deep enough breath in to calm himself down. So he sits there and sobs helplessly for a few minutes, each breath after the next getting caught in his throat.

"God," he finally chokes out after a while, "w-why did you take her away? There was so much we were going to do together. I never even got to say goodbye," then he clasps his hands and starts crying again, "I-I'll do anything, please just give her back to me. P-please let me have her back....God, please." Jungkook sits and cries for another few minutes, saying anything he can possibly think of that he would do to have you back. For you to be alive again. So many words he wanted to say and never would. He wanted to at least know if you were doing alright, up in the sky where he knew you were. He wanted you to be alive again.

But it was too late.

-

The fight you two were having had been going on for a while now, and frankly you were over it. You couldn't even remember why it started. But Jungkook was clearly still angry and wanted to get the last word, "maybe you should stop being so whiny and annoying Y/n, and then I'd listen to you!" That stung. You've fought before but you never called each other anything, your eyes start to water and you grab your bag, throwing it over your shoulder and heading for the door. Jungkook rolls his eyes, "where are you going now? Why do you think running away all the time is gonna solve everything?" He sounds exasperated and like he doesn't even want to keep fighting now.

You turn back to face him, "I'm getting some fresh air, thank you very much, and I don't see why you should care since I'm so annoying and whiny." You go to open the door and he stands up, coming over to you. You can see the regret at his words in his eyes, but you can't find it in you to get over it just yet. You needed a break. He puts a hand on the door to keep you from opening it, "Y/n, you know I didn't mean that." You scoff and reach for the door handle again before he grabs your hand, "then why did you say it, Jungkook?" He just looks down and stays silent, yeah that's what you thought. You yank your hand away and open the door, "fuck you Jungkook. Leave me alone."

A few hours later you had mostly calmed down and you were at home reading a book in bed, when your doorbell rings. You get up and walk over to it reluctantly, you already know who it is before you look through the peephole, but you do so anyway and see Jungkook standing there biting his lip, just like you knew he would be.

You open the door and he looks at you hopefully, so you open the door wider to let him in. He immediately wraps his arms around you in a tight hug and you can't help but to hug him back, you knew he was sorry and you were tired of being angry. You talk it out and he apologizes for everything he said, you apologise for the things you said too. Eventually you end up watching a movie and cuddling after talking through it all. He kisses the top of your head and you smile, grateful that you two could always work things out. You mess with the little silver ring on your finger, smiling and remembering how he won the matching pair for you both.

-

"Jungkook, maybe you should take a break." Jimin wipes the sweat off his forehead and walks to his bent over friend slowly, putting his hand on his back and rubbing it, "look, we have a while to learn it, please just rest Kook-" Jungkook jerks away roughly, "please don't call me that." His voice was different, heavier and without a lot of feeling, it had been like this for almost a year now. Jimin looks hurt but says nothing more. They all saw a difference in Jungkook since you passed away, they would hear him crying in his room every night, they wouldn't miss the tears that choked him during certain songs they performed. There was an emptiness around them all, and they weren't sure it would ever be filled again.

Tae walks over when he sees the scene unfolding, he looks at Jungkook and tries not to look upset for his best friend, knowing it would just make things worse, "alright guys, we're all going to take a ten minute break...Jungkook can we talk please?" Jungkook huffed but agreed, moving over to sit on the couch on the side of the dance room. The other members walked out of the room to give them some privacy.

"Look, Jungkook. I'm not going to try to say anything much, but I do want to say this. Y/n loved you, she was hurt and couldn't tell anyone. It isn't your fault, Jungkook. No one saw it coming."

"I should have."

"Don't say that."

"It's true though, what kind of boyfriend was I that I didn't even see the signs? That she felt like she had to hide it from me? I-it's all my fault." Jungkook's eyes start to water and his breathing starts to get quicker and shaky, a panic attack was coming on. Tae swallows his tears and reaches over to put a hand on Jungkook's leg, bringing him back. Tae swallows hard and trudges on,

"It wasn't your fault. But, I think you need to seriously think it all through, and then let go."

"I don't want to let go."

"Why not?"

"Because no matter how hard I try and say I want to, I don't want to forget about her."

"You don't have to forget about her Ko-...Jungkook...But I think she wants you to keep living without her now, she would be sad to see you like this."

"Then maybe she shouldn't have been so selfish and decide to leave me alone."

"You don't mean that." Tae can't keep his shaky tear stained voice under control and he turns away to wipe his eyes.

Of course he didn't mean it, but being angry seemed to make it hurt less. Maybe he should try, like Tae said, maybe he could try to keep you in his heart while continuing to live.

Like you would want, and he always wanted to make you happy.

-

"Hey, Y/n. What about this one?" Jungkook tugs you over to the huge ride, the kind that swoops around in a giant loop. Your stomach drops to your feet but he looks so excited; bouncing up and down with his big doe eyes shining brightly.

Well, at least you hadn't eaten anything yet. Maybe you could do it once before lunch and get it over with. He lets out a shout of excitement when you nod and then he pulls you over to the line of people waiting to get on the ride. As you wait for your turn you tap your foot anxiously, Jungkook notices and wraps his arms around your waist. You smile and he lays his chin on your shoulder, "love you baby~" you tsk and bring your hand up to pat his cheek gently, "love you too, I hope you know that since I'm doing this for you." He chuckles and holds you tighter.

After the ride, which wasn't as bad as you thought–having held Jungkook's hand tightly the entire time–you two find a table to get some lunch. You order and try to ignore Jungkook's teasing about how hard you held his hand and how he thought it would fall off. He keeps laughing as you roll your eyes playfully and avoid looking at him.

When the food comes, you both start to eat, then you notice a little girl and her older brother ordering some ice cream at one of the many food stalls in the fair, a few feet away. Jungkook turns to see what you're smiling at and smiles widely himself as he turns back to you. "I bet that's what our kids will do someday, Y/n...We should take them here, right?" You look at Jungkook happily and nod, you couldn't wait for that day to come.

Later that day, you and Jungkook stopped at the claw machines, Jungkook insisted on trying to get you a stuffed animal. After about ten tries he frustratedly walked away, you tried not to laugh at him walking away only for him to see another machine and say he actually wanted to get you that; which was a little egg with two silver rings in it. One for you and one for him, he said.

Miraculously he was able to get the little egg and he cheered loudly in triumph, reaching down to get it out of the machine and quickly telling you to put the smaller one on. It was cute, and Jungkook's matched.

Later you ended up getting the engraving, 'forever and always' on it.

-

Jungkook's eyes open slowly, the sun shining in through the window, signalling to him that it was time to get up now. He closes his eyes again and turns onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin and taking a shaky breath. He tries his best to conjure up the dream he just woke up from, he didn't want to leave. Please come back. His eyes start to burn and tiny tears pour over his lashes when he blinks.

His alarm goes off a minute later but he just ignores it, the insistent beeping drowned out in his thoughts, he can't escape. When he opens his eyes again he sees you lying beside him. He blinks but you're still there.

"Hi Kookoo."

"Y/n?" His voice shakes uncontrollably as he tries to make sure he isn't dreaming.

Your eyes fill with tears and you nod, "yes Kookie, it's me."

"H-how...are you still alive? Y/n are you actually alive?" His voice starts to raise in hopes that maybe this had all been a nightmare. A horrible horrible nightmare. He starts to sit up on his arms but his face falls and his heart crumples when you shake your head, tears slipping out and rolling down your soft cheeks. Your face looks so soft and healthy, not at all what it looked like the last time he saw you.

"I'm sorry Kook, I'm so sorry." Your voice cracks and wavers as you start to cry. He reaches out and touches your wet cheeks, slowly rubbing the tears away and at the same time doing the one thing that he knew always calmed you down.

"Shhh, it's okay love. Don't cry please." He didn't care if this was a dream, you were here. His beautiful Y/n had finally come back to him. He wipes your tears gently, after he wipes them all away he keeps his hand on your cheek, softly rubbing with his thumb.

"Jungkook, I need to say something."

He looks at you and feels his tears returning, he nods and says slowly as if just realizing something, "that's why you're here isn't it? That's why you came back." You close your eyes and take a deep breath, then nod while you bite your lip, trying your very hardest not to throw yourself into his arms and cry.

"Y-yes, Kookie I need you to-"

"Don't."

"What?" You open your eyes again and see the desperation in his face as he seems to be having a battle with himself, "don't tell me, please. Y/n please don't leave me again." He starts to cry and your heart is torn to pieces, he reaches out to you and you push yourself into his arms.

Jungkook's mind is racing a mile a minute. You were in his arms, you were alive and in his arms. He hadn't felt your warmth for over a year and a half now. Jungkook buries his face into your hair and inhales deeply, memories flooding back into his mind. "Y/n, are you okay? Please tell me you're doing okay." He feels your tears wetting his t-shirt and he holds you tighter, listening carefully when you start talking again–voice muffled by his shoulder, "I'm alright Kookie I promise, but I miss you...I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the effect it would have until it was too late." Jungkook's breath catches in his throat at your words. He leans back and brushes your damp hair out of your face, "how long do I have?" He whispers sadly, tears threatening to choke him once again.

-

The walk. The walk in between the cherry blossom trees all that time ago when he confessed, that's where you went.

You walk side by side, holding hands, eventually you stop and turn to Jungkook. He focuses on you even though all he wants to do is turn away and cry. You smile at him and squeeze his hand, "Jungkook," he blinks hard and nods in affirmation that he's listening. "Jungkook, I don't have a lot of time. But I need you to promise me something." He nods again and you continue, "w-when I leave, I'm not coming back," you ignore the tears streaming down your face, "I need you to promise me that when I let go of your hand, you won't look back." Jungkook takes in a shuddery breath, "I'm sorry Y/n, that I didn't see, I couldn't save you. I don't know if I ca-" you cut him off before he can finish. "You can, and none of it was your fault Kookie, it isn't your fault. If I could take back what I did," he shakes his head tears already slipping out again, but you continue, "I would take it all back. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I hurt you in the process. I ruined the future we were going to have one day." You're full on crying now as he cries next to you, his shoulders shaking, "and I want you to know how sorry I am." He pulls you into a hug and cries into your shoulder, his breath comes out in heavy gasps, "I forgive you Y/n, I forgive you, I love you so much." He keeps repeating those words while you hold each other for another minute, just crying. Tears of sadness and relief that he forgave you spill out of your eyes and you clutch onto him.

You two go to a ton of different spots that you had dates, stopping to get ice cream, to fulfill the promise you broke the day you died. Eventually you end up at the fair, standing in front of a claw machine that was full of random items, one of them being a small egg that contained two rings. You stare at the machine for a minute before turning to the young man that you loved. He was staring at you, one hand in his pocket fiddling with something, you look at him curiously and he looks down, pulling his hand out and opening it, to reveal a small ring with a chain around it, your ring.

"Jungkook, you still have that?" You refuse to cry again, but you see his eyes well up with tears. You hated that he cried so much nowadays, and hated more the fact that it was you who caused it.

"Of course, we made a promise Y/n, 'forever and always', remember?" You nod tearfully not caring about your stupid 'no crying' rule anymore, and he wipes your eyes gently.

"I'm scared Y/n, I don't want you to leave me again." His voice trembles and he doesn't try to stop the tears. You hug him tightly, letting your own tears escape for the last time, "I'll be with you Kookoo, forever and always. But I have to go know, please keep your promise?" He nods as he hugs you against him, then he pulls back and kisses you quickly before he starts to cry harder. Jungkook hugs you one last time, enveloping you in his big strong arms, the last time either of you would feel each other.

The regret and anger with yourself is overwhelming you, but Jungkook hugs it all away. In a tight warm promise that he's forgiven you and he will keep his last promise to you.

You both pull away and that's when you turn, giving his hand one last squeeze before you walk a few feet, "goodbye Jungkook," you whisper your last words to him, he swallows hard, "goodbye Y/n, I love you." With those words in your ears you walk away and disappear.

Jungkook lets out one last sob and puts the necklace with your ring on it around his neck. He got to say his goodbye. He would never forget you, he didn't want to. But, he forgave you and he would live on with your memory in him. He kept in his heart what he knew; that someday, he would see you again. When you meet in the clouds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n 2.0: I can't stop sobbing rn. Somebody help me. I'm so sorry for this, but I hope this shows you that there is always another way, but when it's over, it's over. You can't come back. More people than you know will miss you. The future is unknown. So please stay.

[ixeliema]

Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

[dwindlingashesburnt]

How long do the shields stay down?

This is something I think is really really important for you to be aware of if you're in a situation that's bad for you or are just doing kinda shit in any way - physical, mental, emotional, whatever. And I'm including stuff like food, shelter, sleep under physical for the sake of this

And that is this - at some point your body and or mind will almost definitely try to protect you by shielding you from it. When it's mental or emotional this is typically a very long term thing to keep you safe that you have to actively unlearn, as is physical stuff like training yourself not to flinch or stuff like that. When it's a lack of something physical like sleep or food or so on, it's generally just intended to keep you going until you manage to get whatever it is you needed, at which point the shields should start falling on their own pretty quickly

But the obvious problem with this is that if you're being shielded from the problem, you don't know how bad said problem is. You might not even be sure what the problem is, or even worse, might not even be aware that there is a problem. This means that until those shields go down, you can't figure out what's wrong or how to fix it, and you may end up actually making the problem much worse without realising in the meantime

(That's the end of the general advice bit - which is important btw! - and now goes into my own stuff, which isn't important except to me cos it's mostly just venting so feel free to stop reading at this point)

I rediscovered this yesterday night.

Every time I get this badly worn down, it always happens exactly the same way - I've already been apathetic and tired for quite a while, low on sleep, and been constantly tense for a long time, but bc I'm apathetic and can't sleep, I stay up watching videos on youtube for far too long. At some point, I find myself actually in quite a bit of pain and only then realise it's because I'm so incredible tense, and at this point I start finding it to be a real struggle to focus my vision or pick out the voices and concentrate enough to really watch videos. A while after this, I normally find that I'm shaking uncontrollably, and acknowledge to myself that it's most likely a mixture of a shitty mental place, being so tense for so long, and utter exhaustion. So to double check, I put some simple music on that doesn't require much focus, close my eyes and focua on going limp - I know that if my own thoughts fade to absolutely nothing while the singing drifts through my mind, and that I lose ALL tension and start melting into the bed...This means I'm on the point of passing out and or veering into dangerously sleep deprived suicidal ideation type territory, and need to sleep stat.

And this is the part that really alarms me - before I go to bed I need to put the light on so I don't trip, put my phone on charge, go to the bathroom and have a drink of water. Before sitting up at this stage I am AWAYS exhausted, noticably shaking, struggling to focus my vision beyond a blur, and so mentally wiped out I can barely string a single thought together, not to mention thirsty, empty, and feeling tired down to my bones, off balance and like I want to either pass out or start sobbing any second.

But by the time I get back into bed I'm always seemingly fine, if not better than when I first started watching videos - and this fucking scares me.

Because that switch happens in less than five or so minutes! Nothing has changed in that time, I am still on the borderline of passing out, I am still exhausted, I am still in an absolute shit place both mentally and emotionally and quite frequently in the middle of a relapse, and god knows what else. NOTHING HAS CHANGED I'm just far too good at putting up a front even to myself, and so practiced at it I just do it automatically- even though this normally happens around 2am or 1am when there is absolutely nobody to put up a front for!

And when I get back in bed, if I didn't remember exactly how bad I had been not ten minutes before, even I wouldn't realise there was any issue whatsoever! Let alone an issue THAT bad

That means that every time I walk into the bathroom and instantly feel sluggish thoughts crawling through my mind and then rapidly speeding up to a somewhat normal speed, every time I fill my water bottle and watch as my hands go from shaking so bad I dropped my phone and struggled to take out my earphones to not shaking at all, every time I stand and feel the majority of the tension leave and my shoulders force themselves up and back into more of a slouch and less a slump, every time I realise my vision is suddenly clear enough to be able to plug my phone in, and balance good enough to safely walk past the landing...It scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't make any conscious, or as far as I'm aware, unconscious decision to do this, to put up this front - it just fucking happens without my input, automatically. That's terrifying because it suggests it's going to be difficult or even impossible to stop this, or any lesser form of this, from happening in the future

It also alarms me that it tricks me, that it goes so far as forcing my thoughts and mindset to shift, and that it happens when I'm entirely alone and safe. That's fucking scary - how do I stop it if I'm not even aware of it, if it's deep enough to change how my thoughts are happening, if no outside input seems to affect it? It's not a case of just, remove the bad input and I'll be fine - what do I do with that?!

Additionally, the fact that it's so thorough, tricks even me and happens without my input..I'm horribly aware that means that at more or less any moment I may be maintaining this front and not even realise. And I know for a fact it impacts my decisions...It makes me feel scared that maybe, maybe I'm hurting far more often and far more than I think, maybe I'm effectively lying most if not all of the time, maybe I'm making decisions I wouldn't if I wasn't shielding, maybe, maybe others don't even know me properly with this.

It's only maybe ten minutes total between music (shield down) and getting back in bed (shields up)

Sometimes I suddenly and very temporarily break free of this front, or apathy, or simple fear and nonoIcan't, and message my friends trying to tell them things I urgently want to share that I know I won't be able to when those shields come back up, so it's urgent and important.....And sometimes they don't reply in time and they ask something like, "what is it?" but I won't have the words anymore, or it won't seem important, or it will seem like the worst idea ever, or I'll struggle to even remember what "it" was, or I'll feel unable to say it

But every time I know I urgently wanted to say something, and now I can't because my mind and body is just, doing its damn best to protect me, which I appreciate but I just....But it also is awful because I don't know how to tell them in a way that makes sense "I'm sorry. You missed your ten minutes. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry - I want to but I can't. You missed it" so...so often I end up deflecting because at that point really do anything else

And usually in THAT kinda scenario it's not ten minutes (it may be anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours) but it never lasts too long so, so if they're not online or busy or caught up in another conversation etcetcetc......I lose the chance to be honest.

And I often don't get another chance to be really, truly honest, for LITERAL MONTHS

Apparently it's been determined that this is the best way to keep me safe and not in even worse health, but it's also incredibly isolating and I hate it

Quite often all I really want to say or do is more than a quickly passed over "I love you" and a brief hug - I want to be able to say "I love you. You're my best friend and I love you for this reason and this reason and this reason. You're amazing, and I love you - you help me in this way and this way and this way and I'm so grateful. If there's ever anyway I can ever help you or make you happy...Tell me. I want you to be happy. I love you - how could I not love you?"

And I CAN'T and I FUCKING CAN'T and I can't share any of the other stuff about my experiences or personality or relationships or opinions or anything that my brain has deemed "unsafe" BECAUSE OF ABSOLUTE PIECES OF SHIT WHO THINK IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO BULLY AND BELITTLE AND GASLIGHT AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSE AND HURT AND IT'S NOT FAIR

The three biggest things for me, are affection, understanding, and being close to people

Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to say EXACTLY how much I love everyone near me, because I was told so often that to love anyone and especially to love so freely, was am invitation to be hurt?

Do you know how alone and miserable and frustrated I get when I try to be understood and understand others and succeed in neither?

I nearly started crying one time because I was with my dad and sibling, and that was all, both of whom should be safe, and I started telling a funny story about one of our cats. And suddenly I just realised that the words coming out of my mouth weren't the truth. I knew damn well they weren't, and I hadn't been planning to lie at all, and I'd started off truthfully, but some stupid small part of me had started going "this isn't safe this isn't safe you'll be hurt they'll hurt you scream at you make you feel like you should be dead they'll make you cry then call you evil for it it's not safe it's not safe" so suddenly I realised the words coming out of my mouth weren't the ones I meant to say, and I tried to stop talking and it didn't work, and I tried to go back to how it actually happened or just my original story which was very very minorly altered (like 10% different from the truth) to keep me safe, but I couldn't and that scared me because I just kept talking, this version of the story that played up how cute and tiresome the cat was, that simultaneously diminished my part in it all and yet at the same time painted me as being silly and harmless and useful and entertaining and I just....I remember I freaked out a bit when I kept speaking even though I didn't want to, but that part of me was still going "not safe not safe not safe" and then I remember feeling for an instant like I was going to have to flee because I was about to start sobbing, but then I just felt some part of me shatter and go dim and silent and die. And suddenly I felt hollow and miserable and I was shielded again, and so I just kept talking even though later I cried about it and freaked out a lot and just...I hadn't even meant to lie. I was safe. I was among allies. It was a harmless story about a cat that didn't even feature me heavily and certainly didn't cast me in a bad light, but the entire time some part just kept chanting "not safe not safe they'll hurt you you musnt you cant you cant let them theyll hurt you its not safe its not safe its not safe"

And that fucking kills me

[probably-enjolras]

god yep sometimes words just aren't enough, that's why i've taken to spamming hearts lmao :') anyway uhhhh prompts!? ...... enjolras getting a recurring kind anon on his ridiculously hard-to-find venting blog (bc Of Course he has a venting blog, but none if his irl friends know about it) but the anon is like weirdly specific so he knows it's someone from irl and so he embarks on his own secret adventure trying to find out who it is, while not letting anyone else know about it??

oh this sounds fun! let’s begin shall we? I haven’t been to a vent blog before so this is just my idea of what it’s like. also this got really long so i will be dividing it up into multiple parts as i work, mainly because it’s late here and i’m tired from crying

Enjolras sighed, taking his computer out. It had been a long day at the Musain. It seemed that summer break meant that all his friends had gone completely insane. Even Combeferre seemed to be a bit more reckless than his normal professional self. 

That’s what Enjolras liked about the internet. It was a place that you could be rash and impractical while still keeping up you personal life as balanced as possible. Enjolras didn’t like being hasty, even on the internet. He personally didn’t believe in being reckless or wild, he preferred to be practical and collected. His speeches, though seeming passionate and full of emotion, had gone through stages of editing before they were brought out into the world.

That was how he started a vent blog on Tumblr. He had started the blog to create a conversation about issues, but the internet was not one for a rational debate. He turned his blog into a vent blog when an anon started ranting about a current political issue. Enjolras relished in learning the other side of the story, not just the view he had. At first, it was mainly political anons, but then some would come talking about their personal lives.

Day in and day out, Enjolras would listen to people’s problems. It wasn’t what anyone expected of him, no sir, but there was something comforting about it. Enjolras would look at the anons and see that even people who seem to have their life together could be at a place of despair. 

It was this fateful day when someone came to Enjoras that seemed awfully familiar. He opened his inbox and read through the messages. There weren’t many, Enjolras never expected more than three a day, but there was one that caught his eye and he knew he would have to post it first. 

oh my god this guy that i see almost everyday is both infuriating and wonderful. he’s very passionate but it seems like he doesn’t have any emotions. like, the only thing that matters is his end goal and not anyone who is helping him. like god, let us have some fun for once. don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing and i do love him, but sometimes i just want him to shut up. i know ways i can get him to shut up too ;)

Enjolras frowned, reading the ask. It just sounded so… relatable? He felt like he understood the person that this anon was talking about. Enjolras sighed and posted the ask. He read the others, posting them in turn and closed his computer, thoughts racing.

The next day played out in a similar fashion. Enjolras payed extra attention in the meeting, looking for any wandering eyes. He also tried to be more empathetic to his friends. Part of Enjolras scolded himself for letting an anonymous user, that he didn’t even know for certain was one of his friends, get to him. The other part hoped for a reaction. 

He couldn’t stop thinking of the mix of anger and lust tied to the words. The user seemed to be spiteful and enraptured at the same time. Enjolras sighed slightly, unsure how two clashing emotions could be contained in one person’s mind. 

As soon as he got home, Enjolras opened his computer. There were only two messages today, and one was from the user from the day before. Enjolras leaned forward, even though he knew it wouldn’t help his vision, preparing himself to read the comment. 

(anon from yesterday about the passionate guy) i don’t know what was going on today, he seemed off. i can’t place my finger on it and it’s driving me crazy. i had to spend the entire meeting restraining myself from going up and asking him what the fuck was happening. i swear, he’s making me go insane. one day he’s all stoic and the next he’s trying to be some sweet guy. what the fuck

Enjolras stood stalk still, trying to take in all the information. So it was someone he knew. Enjolras posted the two messages, and closed his computer once more and took out some paper. He wrote down all his friend’s names, leaving some space in between each name. He knew he couldn’t contact this anon personally, so he would have to take matters into his own hands. 

The next part will be posted tomorrow! stay tuned and thank you so much

part two     part three

[hyfdanielle-archive]

Bad Day → granielle

TITLE: Bad Day CHARACTER(S): Danielle Panabaker and Grant Gustin @theflashgrant SETTING: Vancouver, BC Canada on Jan 11th CONTENT RATING: PG SUMMARY: Danielle has a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and Grant makes it all the more better.

Danielle 's work day was not going well. On top of new candids and new things released for the show, she was distracted about her frame. Nothing fit for her on Caitlin's wardrobe and she gained looks upon the wardrobe department for it; but she shook it off. The tight fitting dresses weren't working for her and to make matters worse, she was forgetting her lines left and right. Nothing was going right that was meant to go right and by the time filming ended, Danielle was over the day. Picking up her things from her trailer, she placed her daughter in her stroller and made her way towards her husband's trailer. She knew that Grant would either be done or be on break by the time she was finished from whispers amongst the crew, and she needed her husband after a tough day like this. The brunette didn't say much when she knocked and entered into the trailer, bringing Alison out of her stroller and placed her in her arms. Danielle didn't speak, didn't say anything at all, but let out a soft sigh once she was able to sit down and placed herself on Grant's lap, setting down slowly and making sure Alison wasn't going to fall before laying her head on his shoulder afterwards.

Grant was having a typical day of work, going from scene to scene and just trying to get through the day. He was feeling tired after finishing so late last night and having to be back early that morning but he was getting through it, used to it by now. Grant noticed throughout the day that something seemed off with his wife and he wasn't sure what it was. When they were doing group scenes, Danielle had been messing up her lines more than usual and just seemed in pain and uncomfortable and Grant wondered if she was sick or if something else was bothering her. He had to go through the rest of his day doing the rest of his scenes without her and while she was on his mind, he knew he'd just have to talk to her about it once they were both finished for the day. Wrapping up his final scene, Grant made his way back to his trailer and started getting changed to head home. Just as he was about to call Danielle, he heard her come through the door with Alison, looking up at her and waiting to see what she would do. She didn't speak or anything and just sat on his lap while holding Ali which made him smile softly. "Hey baby," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and rubbing her back gently. "Are you okay?"

Danielle hummed softly at her husband's actions, glad that he picked up on what she wanted. She didn't want much, but that day had been horrible enough for her to seek his comfort and his comfort alone. Alison was babbling in her lap and turning around to get her father's attention; however, Danielle ended up pressing her lips to her husband's neck and didn't say anything. She shook her head no afterwards, telling her husband that she wasn't okay and that there was something bothering her; but that something wasn't anything that could be fixed just yet. Everything about today had been horrible since the start of it--messing up her lines, failing in her scenes, and even forgetting some of the things she needed for Alison back at home. Thank goodness that she had extra stocked in her trailer just in case. But with the actions that Grant was doing on her back, she snuggled down deeper into his frame and closed her eyes, trying to push every bad thought away.

Grant smiled softly at his daughter who was babbling and staring at him, leaning in to kiss her cheek gently. He was holding onto them both tightly now, enjoying the feeling of having both of his girls in his arms. When Danielle shook her head at him asking if she was okay, Grant sighed softly. "What's wrong, honey?" He murmured, still rubbing her back gently. He knew sometimes people just had off days and he had plenty of them himself but he wanted to make sure it was nothing big and that she was doing okay. As she snuggled into his body, Grant kissed the top of her head and held tighter, rubbing her back in a circular motion now. "How's your back? Does it still hurt?" He asked her curiously, wondering if this had anything to do with how she was feeling last night. "How about you tell me what's wrong and then I can help you and we go home and relax, hm?"

Danielle shrugged gently. A part of what Grant had said was true. Her back did still hurt and everything was just sore from her cycle—and maybe that was why she was forgetting a lot of things and being more emotional than she usually was. It certainly didn’t help matters at all. “Everything’s wrong”, she whispered out to her husband now, answering him as he asked her to. She didn’t want to keep him in the dark about this, and she was so glad that he understood what happened and what was going on with her. “I couldn’t fit into Caitlin’s skirt today because I was bloated and we had to switch to some stretchy jeans instead. The girls were giving me weird looks after that and then I kept messing up my lines. You saw. I couldn’t get anything right. Plus my back is hurting and I forgot some of Alison’s things at home when I was packing for her to come on set today. It’s just not a good day for me.” Her tone of voice was tired, even more so than before, and the exhausted look in her eyes as she pulled up to meet him face to face further proved it.

Grant frowned when his wife said that everything was wrong. He waited for her to elaborate, not knowing what else to say to that. He listened to her explain she couldn't fit into Caitlin's skirt because she was bloated and he nodded slowly. Between that and her sore back, Grant was starting to put it together. "So...it's that time of the month?" He asked her carefully. It would explain why she didn't want to have trailer sex yesterday either, even if she made up another excuse. "It's okay, we all mess up our lines and sometimes some of us have worse days than others," he told her while staring into her eyes. He hadn't realized she had forgotten some of Alison's things but since she had extra here at work, Grant didn't see anything wrong with that. "Well that's why we have some of her stuff here, just in case. You don't need to worry about that, babe. But I'm sorry you're having a tough day. You just need to get home and unwind with a glass of wine," he told her. "Let's get going and I'll make you feel better at home, I promise."

Danielle groaned and nodded her head when Grant started on his words. “I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to tread lightly on the subject, Honey, but this is the only time that you’d assume correctly.” It was the same reason why she didn’t want to do much last night and why her lower back was out of whack. In truth, maybe that was the reason for her rough day today anyway; but she listened to what he had to say afterwards and let out a soft sigh. “I know, but”, she started to speak again, trailing off in her words. Just because they had extra here for Alison just in case, it didn’t make the feeling of being a disappointing mother go away. The brunette paused in her words, giving her husband a soft smile and leaning forward to brush her lips against his forehead. Danielle was lucky to have Grant in her life—someone who was understanding and completely adoring. “Wine sounds like an amazing idea. Just get us home”, she breathed out and situated Alison in her arms again so that she’d be able to stand up and follow her husband out if need be.

Grant pursed his lips and nodded. It was always awkward to try and suggest that Danielle was on her period because he knew if he was wrong, he'd be in trouble. It had happened already once before and he would never forget that night and how bad he felt. Luckily he was right this time and now he just wanted to help make his wife feel better. Smiling as she kissed his forehead, Grant waited for her to get off his lap so that he could stand up and grab his things so that they could go home. "You got it," he said, following her out with the dogs as Danielle held Ali and brought the stroller out herself. They made their way to the car that would drive them home and once they were all situated, Grant told the driver to head to their apartment. Once they got home, Grant let the dogs run to the door first and he followed, letting them in and waiting for Danielle and Ali to get in. "How about I feed the dogs, you say goodnight to Ali and then I'll say goodnight and put her down afterwards and you get changed into comfortable clothes," he suggested to his wife as he made his way into the kitchen.

Danielle stayed quiet the whole car ride home. The dogs were there with them and she pet them all the same. Alison was safe in her car seat and that meant that Grant was on the other side of her. The driver was their usual and she was glad for the quiet, uninterrupted drive. Once they were home, all bets were off. The dogs were running around and Alison was babbling about. The brunette was already reeling from what was happening. “You’re amazing”, she whispered out to her husband, leaning forward to press her lips to his cheek before disappearing. With Grant’s suggestion and trying to calm down a headache that was just beginning, she made her way upstairs with her daughter and started getting the little girl ready for bed. “I know you like to poke fun at Mama”, she whispered out to her daughter, who was looking up at her with mischievous eyes. “Mama’s had a rough day, baby girl. Let’s not do that to Mommy, okay?” But she finished with her nightly routine with her daughter, switching off with Grant and then pulling the dogs along with her towards their bedroom to get changed into something comfortable. Danielle was dressed in one of Grant’s old sweatpants now and one of her t-shirts, wanting something comfortable against her back and legs, and crawled into bed with Bella in her arms now.

Grant fed the dogs quickly and started boiling a pot of water to make Danielle tea. He was hoping that would soothe any aches or cramps she may have and although it wasn't much, he was prepared to do whatever else she wanted if it would make her feel better. While the water was boiling, Grant made his way up to the nursery to say goodnight to his daughter, smiling as she stared up at him. "Night sweetheart. Daddy loves you so much," he whispered before pressing a few kisses to her face gently. Seeing her close her eyes, Grant smiled and made his way out of the nursery, going downstairs to check on the boiling water. Once it was ready, he grabbed a mug and made Danielle tea just the way she liked it before going back upstairs and into their bedroom. Grant smiled at the sight of seeing Danielle in bed while holding Bella, carefully walking towards her and placing the tea on the nightstand. "Tea if you want it, I figured it might help," he said while shrugging before getting in bed with her. "Anything else I can do?"

Danielle turned to look up at her husband when he came in with a mug of tea. The thought was amazing, and she was glad that he was there for her, but it was wine that made her get up and want to go home. There was a soft smile on her face, the dogs instantly going towards Grant now that he was in the room and she had to let out a soft sigh at the notion. “I don’t suppose wine is just too much to ask? It’s a little bit late for it, isn’t it”, she teased her husband, getting a little bit more jovial now that she was in comfortable clothes and ready for bed. Bella had left her arms now, so it was easy for her to take the mug of tea. The warmth of the drink spread all over her frame and she let out a sigh of relief once she finished. “Lay with me”, she breathed out for Grant. “After you change into some comfortable clothes. Lay with me. My day is absolutely better when you’re in bed with me too.”

Grant had forgotten all about the wine when Danielle mentioned it, causing him to shake his head. "Nah, it's not too late. I'll get us each a glass. I wasn't really thinking about it and then tea came to my mind but you can have both," he said while shrugging. He watched as she started drinking it, smiling softly as he waited to see if she wanted anything else. When she told him to lay with her after he changed, Grant nodded. "I can do that. Let me go get us some wine and then I'll change and stay with you in bed for the rest of the night," he said, kissing her forehead before getting out of bed and going downstairs. Grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge, Grant opened it and poured two glasses before bringing them back up and placing them on the nightstand. He got out of his clothes and put on a pair of plaid pajama pants and a t-shirt before crawling into bed, getting under the covers and wrapping his arms around his wife. "Much better," he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her cheek gently. "Do you want me to rub your back again?"

Danielle smiled at Grant and placed the mug of tea back on her nightstand after drinking most of it. The tea didn’t go to waste after all, and she was warm when she finished what she wanted of it. The dogs were around her too, adding much of the comfort that she needed. Maybe today wouldn’t be a total wash after all and she would have the time needed in order to regain herself again. When Grant came back in with wine, Danielle let out a sigh of relief and took the glass that she would designate hers. “Thank god”, she whispered out and shifted her weight in order to lay against her husband when he climbed into bed. There was a smile when Grant kissed her cheek, but she’d be lying with her back against his chest in order to be comfortable while holding a drink. “You’re right. This is definitely much better”, the brunette whispered out into her glass of wine, taking just one small sip and humming at the suggestion. She was definitely lucky. “I don’t think you should any pressure on that, but thank you for offering. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me about your day. It should have been better than mine.” There was a soft laugh that came out of her, free hand moving to pat his leg gently.

Grant smiled and nodded, glad that his wife already seemed to be in better spirits. He just wanted to make her feel better and hopefully she would feel better tomorrow once getting a good night's sleep. Reaching over Danielle, Grant grabbed his own glass of wine and took a sip, still holding onto his wife and enjoying the fact that they were snuggling. Nodding when she said she didn't need him to rub her back, Grant took another sip of his wine before putting it back on the nightstand. "If you change your mind, just let me know," he said, licking his lips and letting out a sigh. "My day was better than yours in the sense that nothing bad happened but it was pretty boring," he chuckled, shrugging afterwards. "Just your typical long work day. I'm pretty tired since we finished late last night and then had another full day today. If it wasn't for my birthday this weekend, I would definitely be spending most of it in bed," he laughed.

Danielle shook her head and took another sip of her wine. Her husband often had work days like that, considering that he was the lead and sometimes stunts ran a little too long. It was just hard for her to see him like that. “They’re overworking you”, she whispered out to him, but there was a smirk that was forming on her lips before she hid it in her wine glass. She didn’t take a sip, but rather just hummed at the taste of the wine before placing it right next to her husband’s glass. “I don’t want to keep you up if you’re tired. You’ve done a lot for me already. Thank you for that”, Danielle started out again, shifting her weight a little bit in bed in order to find another comfortable spot. “I don’t want to overdo it because I’ll get sore again—and I’m getting so sluggish. It’s not fair.” There was so much to be done and even if most of it was just random chores she could do before bed, it wasn’t fair for her to be confined like this. “I’m sorry I’m taking you out on your birthday”, the brunette started out again, forgetting her troubles for the moment and just focused on her husband again. “I promise you’ll be able to nap before the game if that helps.”

Grant shrugged and nodded. "I guess a little bit but that's normal around this time of year. It's only going to get worse so I better prepare for it. And pray for my back," he chuckled while shaking his head. "You're not keeping me up, I'd much rather stay up with you and make sure you're okay anyways," he told her honestly. "Overdo it with what? Just relax and focus on getting a good night's sleep so that hopefully tomorrow you feel a little better and it's a better day," he whispered, kissing the side of her head gently. "Don't apologize for that, it's not necessary. I'm happy and lucky that you're taking me out for my birthday. It's going to be a great weekend. I want to be celebrating it, there's plenty of other weekends that can be reserved for laziness only," he told her. "Although I may actually take a nap before the game, we'll just have to see," he said, smiling softly at her. "Do you want any medicine or anything? Maybe that'll help you fall asleep."

Danielle loved being affectionate with her husband. Grant just brought that out in her. So when he kissed the side of her head in order to thank her for taking her out on his birthday, she turned around as best as she could and wrapped her arms around his frame in order to lay her head on his chest. That notion would benefit her, considering she was off of her back and she would be able to press her lips to his chest. It was a small notion, a thank you for being so patient and so understanding with her about today, and it wouldn’t do well enough stacked against the multitude of things he had done for her. She felt safe with him, which was why she was able to say nothing but lay with him, and she smiled at his need to take care of her and suggestion for it. “I just had wine. I don’t think I should take medicine with alcohol in my system”, she teased her husband, in better spirits than when the night started. “I don’t think I’ll have trouble falling asleep, and I should be worried about you. You need it more than I do.”

Grant smiled when Danielle turned in his arms, pressing his face against his chest. Grant started playing with her hair gently and listened as she said she shouldn't take medicine with alcohol in her system. "Right. Sorry. Guess I'm more tired than I thought," he said, letting out a yawn. "You don't have to worry about me, I'll be fine," he told her, wanting her to focus on getting better. "The best part of my day was getting that awesome plaid blanket from you. I can't wait to put it to good use," he told her. "Thank you," he added before kissing the top of her head gently. Letting out another yawn, Grant leaned his head back against the pillow, stretching out his legs and letting out a content sigh. "Looks like the dogs are ready for bed too," he chuckled, seeing them all in their night time positions. "Night baby. Wake me up if you need anything, okay? I mean it. Love you," he said before kissing her goodnight and closing his eyes.

Danielle knew that it was getting late and still she chastised herself when she let out a soft yawn. She shouldn’t have been so tired, but with everything that was happening to her, she couldn’t help it. Grant’s yawn had been utterly contagious and even the brunette couldn’t scold him for it. Sleep sounded like the best option for now and she couldn’t wait to get it. However, when he said something about the dogs, she couldn’t help but look down at where they were scattered. The sight brought a soft giggle to her lips and she sank deeper into bed. It really was time to go to bed. “I promise”, she whispered out and returned the kiss that he had given her, bringing just one hand up to cup his cheek while doing so. “I love you too”, was the last thing she’d whisper out that night, closing her eyes and falling asleep right after.

[thingsandtrichotillomania]

Shit  Hit The Fan

It all started 3 days ago (6/26). I had hung out with this guy named Eric and it was really nice. Previously that day it had stormed really bad so our electric was out for two hours but he showed up anyways and it finally turned on maybe half an hour later. Then we made cupcakes as I promised and then sat in my room at watched a bunch of comedians on Netflix. Idk how it happened but we ended up cuddling and it was really nice.

Later that day when I had’ come over to Eddie’s house Eric text me saying he had a good time that day and then he confessed he liked me. I mean I could obviously tell but still. I said I was scared because I’ve never had a guy who treated me nicely and didn’t want this to be the same. He said I deserved better and I said I had no idea what to do about Eddie.

I then said how I’ve dated every guy I’ve ever really talked to. Matthew (tho we had never talked before dating, I didn’t even know him, smart move past me), Edward (I didn’t even DATE him but might as well have called it that), and now him. He said he just wants me to be happy which is so nice.

I said I don’t know what to do as I haven’t had a real relationship in almost 2 years. He asked when we could meet bc he wanted to talk about it in person and he wanted to do something that would help us decide. I instantly knew what that something was. He eventually told me anyways and I could tell over text we were both nervous.

Lastly I said I was scared bc what if things didn’t click and he said they probably would immediately because even cuddling was amazing. So that was Tusday.

THEN YESTERDAY on Wednesday (6/27) we met up again as we agreed at the park and I had told him what had happened the other day (Ed said I can’t give him any more blow jobs just bc I said no and then I wasn’t allowed to stay the night anymore etc) and then his friends called and he had to go get some weed stuff so I sat at the park by myself for a bit till they came back. Then I sat by myself over by the swings pretty much until his friends left bc I’m not good with strangers and stuff. 

After his friends left we chilled at the park before I had to pee so we walked over to my dad’s house and I went pee and stuff. Then we chilled in the living room and listened to music and finished watching a thing on Netflix. Cuddled some and then he told me to sit up and I knew what what was going to do. I sat up and he kissed me I could have sworn I had stopped breathing. 

So yeah. He kissed me. And then we kinda laid there for a bit and then maybe an hour or so later I was just laying there and he kissed my neck once and I was like nuuu. He asked why but I was too shy to say anything and so he got this grin on his face and was like I’m not going to stop till you tell me why. And me being brave at this moment was like I’m not going to stop you and so yeah. He did and it was really fucking nice. Like I haven’t been that happy about anything physical in years. It was like making out after a really long time or something. Who knows.

So later on before I went back to Eddie’s he’s texting me saying like he’s really happy and stuff. He was like it wasn’t my first intention to get you all hot and bothered and I laughed bc I’ve never heard it that way before. I said I wasn’t and I was like well now you know my neck is sensitive and he was like you totally were and apparently its my neck and thighs. I was like it wasn’t that bad and he agreed but he said my physical reactions are perfect and I always got confused on why people said that so I asked to elaborate.

Apparently like if a certain spot gets touched or kiss my body will tense but not in a bad way and I guess my face was also full of like happiness and excitement. I got so embarrassed XD. But yeah. That happened. But now...

KEEP  THOSE PARTS IN MIND BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE SHIT HITS THE FAN NOW OKAY??h

Yep. I go back over to Eddie’s house (though a part of me was saying that I really didn’t want too and I didn’t because I was too happy) around 8 last night and we all chill and like two more people come over and we have fun. Since I had gotten like 4.5 hours of sleep the previous night on Tuesday I decided to sleep around 1 am. I did for about an hour or so and I wake up.

 So now it’s 2 am on Thursday (TODAY) and I’m woken up because Eddie came into the room with the other two. I eventually get him to lay down around 3 am or so but he starts grabbing my ass and stuff. I’m too tired to care at this point but I know I should have stopped him there. I’m faced towards him as I was trying to sleep but I couldn’t because my body decided that what he was doing was feeling good and now I have adrenaline. 

Before I know it I feel his lips ON MINE KISSING ME. I was so fucking shook because you all know how he’s been like ‘trying to over come his exs’ and that’s why he never kissed or made out with me but HERE HE IS, LAST NIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS. I had previously decided that I was going to drop him but now he does this shit and my stupid ass KISSES HIM BACK and now WE’RE MAKING OUT. Like the way he does with like tongue and shit and again, before I know it he’s asking me really quietly, because there were two other people in the room if I wanted another chance. 

He was talking about a blow job. I ALREADY FELT SHITTY FOR MAKING OUT WITH HIM but guess who was living off of adrenaline and 4.5 hours of sleep at that point? Me. But I can’t blame being tired or anything because I was conscious enough to say no.

But I said yes so we went into the living room and I gave him a bj (something I thought I’d never do again) but it was short. When I said I was done I was fucking broken on the inside. He got up though and laid on top of me and began to grind and god that felt so good too, I didn’t stop him. 

When everything was finally done I had gone into the bathroom and cried a little. I was so disgusted with myself and actually had almost puked. I was texting Eric because I had sent a message saying I was the worst person in the entire world. So I sat there on the floor until Eddie came in and asked why I was just sitting there and he asked who I was texting at 4 in the morning.

I didn’t wanna say but eventually I had told him it was Eric because he kept asking to see what it was and who it was and I DIDNT wanna show him.

At this point I KNEW that shit was going to hit the fan this morning. Eddie asked why I was texting him and I said just finishing a convo from earlier since I was awake and I still didn’t let him see. He jokingly asked if I had caught feelings for him but I shook my head no but the tears said differently. He asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let me sleep till I told him. 

So I gave him a watered down version saying I had kind of liked Eric ju st a little. He said to pack my stuff and go after we go swimming tomorrow. I said I understood but he wanted to keep it going and said go make out and cuddle with him bc that’s why I didn’t show him the messages and stuff. I said we’re not even dating bc we aren’t. He said I was just like all his other ex’s and he’s right. 

He said he didn’t know if we were going to be friends after today either. He said all this worrying about me finding a gf and I should have been the one who was being questioned.

THIS BITCH OF A SENTENCE MADE ME MAD THOUGH. I KNOW FOR A FACT he’s talk talking to this 14 year old girl named Alyssa so I don’t understand why he can talk to her but I can’t talk to someone I like. He doesn’t know that I know about Alyssa and the heart eyes and shit. But anyways.

He said I need to leave today and I said I know. He was like you’re acting too calm and I was like I’m sobbing. He said he was getting flash backs from his ex’s now and that it was all my fault which it was. 

And that’s it. I called Eric and cried for about half an hour before realizing I should probably go to the bedroom bc their mom gets ready for work at 6:30 and and it was almost 6. I hung up and went in there and laid down and by some way I slept for like another 4 hours. So the past 48 hours I’ve slept maybe a total of 10 but even that’s a stretch.

So yeah. I’m a piece of shit human who fucked up really badly last night. I’m just so surprised on how Eric took it. He was like I’m not mad, just jealous if anything. I don’t deserve him or anyone good tbh. 

I’m so tired now. I’m probably just gonna get my shit together and text/call dad to see if he can come get me because it’s almost 12 in the afternoon so I know someone is awake. The people here probably won’t be up until at least 1 pm because that’s when we were supposed to go swimming. I’m not going obv.

Eric said he wants to hang today to cheer me up so I might do that. Who knows. I’m just so done with everything.

Thanks for reading my awful life choices. 

June 28th, 2018