#bc why not make myself sad
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The mental game I’m trying to play as to whether I have been putting off finishing a really good fic bc I know how it ends (sad) since LAST AUGUST
#I found a really good bsd fic that’s a your lie in April au. it’s a Dazai Chuuya fic and Chuuya is the guy#sorry it’s been years since I saw your lie. I can’t remember their names#anyways SO. IYKYK. I have like two chs left#but. but. I’m listening to my playlist from August of last year and the your lie op is in there#and considering this is me there is a high prob that I put that in there bc it was on the mind bc I was reading that fic#mmmmm#anyways I should really go finish it once I’m free from this hellish week#bc why not make myself sad#I’m so sorry to the author I can’t remember the name and I don’t have the time to go hunting thru my 1k tabs rn#but just know it’s well written and I def rec it
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Eloise Bridgerton being an absolute mood:
and Cressida's reaction of 'this girl is so weird, but I'm into it??? Wait am I into this??'':
#i was so sad that no one had made gifs of this moment#that i simply made one myself#i just love this almost smile cressida has here#like she can't believe eloise would just say and do this sort of thing#which kind of also adds to what she says in a later episode about eloise being courageous#she means this; eloise just being unapologetically herself without caring about whats appropriate#something cressida doesn't have the freedom to do (because she lacks the family support eloise has) but probably wishes she could#i love finding these little moments bc you can interpret so much from them even though they're only seconds long#yes i am autistic why do you ask?#eloise bridgerton#cressida cowper#creloise#bridgerton#bridgerton s3#bridgerton 3x02#gifs#my gifs#(also i don't know how to gif i did my best with what gimp can do)#bc id rather die than using something adobe makes
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#blorbo image#its queue and me always#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#nanami kento#jjk nanami#wait i dont have screenshots of the beach bc it as pretty as he is i dont want to make myself sad#so this is the only nanami smile i have#bro why do you only smile at the moment you think you're gonna die nanami oh my gods dude#mood but also nooo#and his smile is so pretty too... why are you like this my dude
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lmao it is undeniably true that I am Depressi Spaghetti but you know. fuck it we continue.
#red said#i am hoping!!!! that this is January Brain speaking#it FEELS as if I've been in an extended depressive episode since like. may or June#but depression is a Filthy Fucking Liar so that may or may not be true#either way it's very tedious. there is no reason for this. i am very loved and cared for. i am doing well. it is just that my brain is soup#SAD AND SELF-LOATHING SOUP#we cannot resist the Soup we can only swim on through#idk it is like. i feel as if i don't exist beyond work i feel like I'm losing myself i feel like I'm very alone#this all FEELS very true even though actually i have many passions i do many things and i am booked to the gills with social engagements#so you know. what's it all about? The Soup. possibly also The Dark.#possibly also also that many people i care about are going through really rough times and I'm kinda. not?#and that's WEIRD both that I'm not and that I've developed like a level of boundaries where people i live going through it#doesn't mean I'm in a constant state of panic.#and slash or. where I'm too depressi spaghetti to have the energy to be there for them#i don't THINK it's that. that's never been a thing for me before really.#but idk i think it's like when i reach the end of my to do list i panic that I've forgotten something vital#i am not panicking and that makes me feel. strange and empty and immobile.#even though in actuality I'm in constant motion like. barely a free moment. but i FEEL static i FEEL inactive#because I'm not in 24/7 crisis mode#and then bc i feel inactive i don't understand why I'm so tired. I'm so tired because I'm ALWAYS DOING THINGS.#but also i do feel kind of. numb. everything is just running past me. except sometimes i feel spasms of grief cause like#I've ended or majorly changed a lot of relationships this past year#but yeah i think the numbness is PROBABLY the January of it all and will PROBABLY lift in March/April#and if it doesn't. well. fuck it. we continue. i am yet young.
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🫥
#idk why i have followers bc all i post or rb is like#nihilistic takes or discourse on the latest tragedy and aesthetic shit#it genuinely confuses me and i periodically purge the bots so idk why y’all are here lol#i rarely post about myself anymore (ive learned the hard way not to!)#it saddens me but also im pretty busy nowadays so… I don’t have time for it like I used to#but I just got so used to facing backlash for literally anything I said that I stopped wanting to make posts at all lmfao#it makes me so sad thinking about how I used to engage with this website and how much it has changed#both bc of other people’s behavior and bc of how I have changed (for better and for worse)#in a way i do actually miss it ☹️
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20 POSTERS FOR JUNGWON'S 20TH !!!
#enhypenet#kpopco#malegroupsnet#enhypen#jungwon#heetual#how did we get here.. again.. how did i convince myself to do this again.. look.. if i never make another poster at least you know why#tbf compared to sunoo's i'm feeling better creatively bc i gave myself a bit more time blah blah blah i changed my background colour just#for these and i'm kind of digging F3F0DD idk.. like maybe i'm a yellow background girl these days.. ik poster ten is grey and now im lookin#at it with resentful eyes but idk if i saved the psd or if i have the effort to change it.. it will bug me.. no. idc idc stop asking abt it#next year riki will turn 20 and i will isolate myself for the last time.... kind of sad honestly whatever idc#UGH and poster nine is also not yellow i think it's F1F1F1 which is my go to off white.. WHATEVER what do you think about passionfruit by#nmixx lmk and thanks for looking at my posters please enjoy and lmk your fave if u have one mine is 4 or 5 <333#also im sure the quality is awful sorry about it shrug emoji#z.enhypen#z.gfx#z.jungwon#happy jungwon day
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okay so ik everyone kinda takes it to heart that peter betrayed everyone in canon (for good reason ofc)
but it hurts some part of my soul when i see young marauders fanart and they just don't draw peter
#peter was a great friend b4 the betrayal in canon#thats fs#bc james potter would have never been his friend if peter wasnt at the very least funny#like hey if we are gonna ignore canon for everything ELSE why cant we ignore canon peter...#makes me sad tbh#fanon peter has sm potential :((#peter pettigrew#lowkey never thought i'd catch myself defending him but i hate jkr and yk fanon is fun so!!#in my head peter didnt betray them#nope#marauders#the marauders#marauders era#dead gay wizards from the 70s#dead gay wizards
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was feeling 'fine' (all things considered) then spent 3 hours daydreaming about oc stuff without moving and inch and now i feel very much not fine, i really cant win can i :(
#ganondoodles talks#personal#yes it was sort of sad stuff#but new stuff i hadnt thought about before that arent part of any of the planned stories#i dont even know if im feeling worse again bc it was kinda sad#or bc i didnt move a muscle for hours#or by its late and i barely got sleep last night#or bc i yet again wasted so mayn hours doing essentially nothing#or its all of the above#going to bed :(#you can still send me asks btw!!#im trying to answer them all and i got the next week off work so maybe more time for this#for soem reason i keep struggeling trying to get shargons design into a shape i like#i feel like hes still the one with the most 'boring' one#i want to make him more bird like but i cant seem to get it right#................................also that comic i mentioned in a previous post is haunting me#i keep seeing bits of it and it looks so cool but i cant get myself to actually read it#why am i like this q-q
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You ever hate your (step)Dad so much you start pondering your orb
Like if you agree!
#Terry Jr. time.#idk why he looks so sad. I’ll try to make him look less sad bc he probably really likes pondering his orbs#I can’t just let myself do a simple sketch request. I just can’t. I don’t know why.
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how would u guys feels about me selling stuff on inprnt? it likely wouldn't be fanart, it'd be original works—prolly mostly october eighteenth stuff. there might be fanart but i'm still deciding. any interest
#qktalks#assuming i . get accepted <33hahah#i complain for a while down below ˅ so . ignore the tags if u don't wanna hear my thoughts on selling stuff#if anybody remembers i used to sell stuff on redbubble and i closed the shop bc:#a) the artist margins r . fucking Pennies it feels like#and b) i felt . weird.selling my art to people#it felt unfair ? idk how to describe it#i know logically it doesn't make sense but it feels selfish to make people pay for my art#bc 1) i rly don't think it's worth money. but that's another can of worms#and 2) i think my art should be enjoyed for free ? that's just.how i think it should be#and to be clear i don't think this rule should apply to Other artists. it's just me. and yes logically that's ridiculous but#it's just how i feel. they're allowed to get money for their art. me tho ? fuggetaboutit#and im not much of a .. physical art kind of person? i don't rly.Get it. i guess. i've purchased One physical piece of art in my entire lif#other than that i just.don't see why people would buy physical art. not judging them for it ofc but im just not the type#so in my perspective idk why on EARTH anybody would buy physical stuff with My art on it. what. why would that be in demand#that ^ WAS how i thought. back when i closed the redbubble shop#but i recently searched all my favorite artist's profiles to see if they had shops that sold bookmarks#and i found myself ? sad when i discovered a fav artist of mine didn't have a shop or didn't offer bookmarks#and then it Clicked and i was like Ohhhhhh.#so yeah uhm . maybe ill put up a shop ? eventually.#i have to . make the art first. since i don't have any original works yet#but i was planning on doing more this year anyway so <3
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scribblezone again testing out brushes, early grey oru, and ace attorney-style psychelocks
#witch hat tag#orufrey#doodly. i like one of the brushes tho.#oh and i was thinking how the girls have qifrey's hat design but oru's (current) tassel and how that makes me feel#ppl will surely be thinking umm WHY do they have a different tassel to him unlike every other atelier ever. the whole tassel thing is just.#whatever. *keeps the rest to myself as i fall down a zelda-style chasm of emotion*#i JUST wanna know if tassel swapping is a cultural witch sign of commitment OR if it's something they just made up. JUST TELL ME. NAAOOOOWW#the girls are too young to hear about it because oru has the inbuilt belief that kids will mercilessly tease ppl#ok what is going on someone said the psychelocks art made them laugh and someone else said it made them smile#sometimes when i try to get out depressing ideas ppl are like hehe aww and then for those pink clothes i got surprisingly much sad response#it wasnt THAT sad........maybe. anyway genuinely interesting . this world is a mystery#i think its bc i mix humour & tragedy more than i ever imagined i would. i mean witch hat is like that so thats why im doing it. well anywa
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My mum found some of my old school reports and sent me photos being like "haha this is funny :D" and it's basically just every single one of my teachers going "she can't focus. She daydreams a lot. Her organisation lets her down. She's clearly smart but she doesn't focus. She's inconsistent in her work. She always forgets her materials. She has potential but needs to be more organised and focused. Sometimes she's brilliant and other times she's disappointing. She frequently fails to hand in homework. She only focuses when the topic interests her. She has potential but her disorganisation and lack of focus is stopping her from achieving it."
And then the fun part is my housemistress's and tutor's comments being like "there's lots of great advice on how she can improve!' but literally all the advice is just "be more organised and focus better". THANKS FOLKS BUT THAT WAS CLEARLY THE BIT I NEEDED HELP WITH.
#chough chatterings#like imagine if you were new to cooking and you asked for a bolognese recipe and the recipe was just 'step 1: make bolognese'#and like i really hated myself for it by year 9. i just kept trying to 'be more organised' and then i'd fail and i was like why#why can't i do this thing that comes so naturally to everyone else#gotta love undiagnosed adhd#i always feel so sad reading these reports bc FUCK that poor girl had such a hard time and i wish i could help her#but i guess the best and closest thing i can do is be kind to and help my current students instead#can't do anything for her but i can do my best for them
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seeing all of these new ghoul fuckers come in and get into fo4 and stuff is bringing a tear to meemaws eye. even if the new ghouls look like mole rats and not technicolor corpses. passing the torch along. all these new kudos on fic that’re five, almost ten years old in some cases. :’) i’ve always loved fallout but never considered it would get crazy big compared or have the same staying power compared to a lot of other fandoms. welcome y’all.
#i think one of the aspects of why i still havent watched the new show#other than being insanely busy#is uh. well hand in hand w the busy i am giving birth in less than a month#(if he goes full term 40 weeks 38 is still full which is like. 14 days less. knock on wood)#and i dont want to accidentally make myself sad if i really enjoy he series and then can’t write for it 😭 bc im not fooling myself#im obviously going to be really fucking busy with raising a human being lmao#which is what i wanted ofc. still terrible timing on Todd Howard’s part not to have considered the birth of my child in all this#also can you imagine the post partum hormone dump baby blues#sobbing like. why did i have this baby. i cant write fanfiction. NJFSKDFNS
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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as a person with a bad blog but good taste i am in an unfortunate position of having many people who become mutuals with me (due to my sparkling personality, bon mots, etc.) and have to swiftly unfollow because i clog their dashboard with trash.
and then we are in a weird limbo where they aren't my mutual, but we do have mutual good vibes between us in theory, but also they would die before having to live through a barrage of my absolute garbage reblogs. and yes. there will be a barrage it will happen.
and THEN because i am anxious as fuck i convince myself they don't like me and i shouldn't reach out to them
#this is such a specific non-problem but it makes me sad :(#k.txt#'oh well why don't you reblog more discerningly then?' bc i started my tumblr when i was 11 yrs old. i have over 40.000 likes.#i have to reblog SOME stuff. also. my interests are varied and wild and i refuse to stifle myself on my own anonymous microblogging site.#i have good taste and bad taste also! variety is the spice of life okay!#and unfortunatly i don't have the kind of autism echolalia that makes for fantastic posting. i have the chronic overexplainer kind.#so my posts are um. bad. sorry.
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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