#bc they don't want to go to ground
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more i-land lore 馃崹
#enhypen#*jelly's#enhypenet#sim jaeyun#jake#nishimura riki#riki#this is so interesting bc i don't remember the ice cream#but also i can imagine them trying to finish the ice cream#bc they don't want to go to ground#but ended up going anyways 馃槶#main takeaway: they can talk about i-land with a smile on their faces now#WAR IS OVER 馃槶#[not really but at least they can smile now my babies]#pls excuse the grains i kinda give up in the middle bc#i don't want to remove the blues hehe#SIM JAEYUN YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL MAN#and riki stuffing his face IM GOING TO CRY HE IS THE CUTEST LITTLE MANDU
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#i dunno doesn't this thing have a ton of forms? it has like. a dog form. where it's a dog. and a cell form. and this thing form#zygarde#either way if it does i can't find any of the models for them. i really don't know much about this pok茅mon#isn't it like. flygon typing? dragon/ground?#yeah it is i just checked. the only reason i remembered that is bc i remember always wanting a ground-type on my team#and looking up a list of all ground-types just to find this thing. a looong time ago#i dunno i think you gotta go running around finding all the cells of this thing or some shit so you can use them i Do not remember#maybe it was an event 'mon in xy even#i vaguely remember it having Somewhat of a presence in gen 7 so maybe that's when all that happened. idk!!
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There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.
#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep#the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them#really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying?#before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over#before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this#which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground#in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween#and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return#don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here#right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing#on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate.#maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe#but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts#long post
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working on the sampo compilation post i mentioned a little while ago but. there is such a tragic lack of sampo and black swan being reluctant homies in fan content. Most of her story quest is them having to put up with Sparkle's bullshit (affectionate) together.
#morgan's madness#sampo koski#black swan#Sampo keeps complaining about Sparkle and Black Swan is being pettily annoying back at him#She's so willing to play along with Sparkle's bits even when sampo *clearly* does not want to be there#Regardless of any future power levels or whatever. Fucking hilarious#It's so obviously a play the whole time and Sampo is contractually obligated to be the world's worst actor bc his improv partner wants to#watch him suffer#Also Sampo (known queer) teasing Black Swan (known lesbian) about having a crush on Sparkle (known. whatever she is) is amazing#I love them is what I'm getting at#I love this quest for several reasons#Obviously it's a great source of Sampo content and analysis#but I love Sparkle being Sparkle#and Black Swan is so fun. I didn't think she'd be as silly? chill? as she actually is. But I love it#I don't know I've been rewatching far too much game content I may be a bit lost in the sauce#honkai star rail#If I didn't hate the idea of building my teams back from the ground up on a new account so much I'd happily replay the whole game#But I don't want to go back to using nat as my only healer ;-; I've spent so much time on this game lmao
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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can I be so open and vulnerable with you guys. the card I was given from people at my old office was sincerely so nice and really validating but also I feel like the main impression I left other people with was "she's really nice" WHICH IS GOOD, I DO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS NICE but also part of me is like... should I maybe strive for "innovative" or "creative" or "a go-getter" because being The Nice One just feels a little mealy-mouthed of me y'know?
#I think there is something to be said here for being so averse to conflict and also such a control freak that I spend incalculable energy on#making other people happy/comfortable/cool-with-me so on and so forth#like this has been a problem in past friendships too as I've grown up#and I've noticed it even online like sometimes I'll have A Take and I won't post it because I don't want to be negative about something#that someone else may like or whatever#which is GOOFY because some of my favorite people are those with strong personalities (bc it's a CLEAR VIEW of that person's personality!!)#and yet here I am like "tee hee I'm so nice everyone likes me because I'm nice anyway when I look in a mirror all i see is a blank wall''#lol y'know? and like no I certainly express opinions and express emotions other than Just Being Happy#and also any waylaid attempts at being so neutral as to not offend people uhhhhh don't work. ask me how I know#(I know because people have hated my guts on the internet before lol)#so it's like: this performance is truly for no one but yourself AND!!!! *AND* it's not even good for you because you might not actually be#being your authentic self#anyways I'm afraid to be a hater and also I'm afraid people won't like me so I try hard to make them like me#and THAT leads to me getting a very nice card about how everyone likes me and me inevitably going: but do they know and like the REAL me#lololololololol that's so goofy#anyway kids be yourselves#also what can I say I derive great pleasure from trying to be the nicest person a cashier interacts with on a given day so#idk there's a middle ground to be struck therein and I'm still navigating it
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#prefacing this w ik in fanfiction they're all just our little barbie dolls we're making kiss and it doesnt matter whatsoever but like Do you#understand how much love and respect and loyalty there is between connor and leon irl#like in connors nhlpa ama he immediately no question said that leon's the nhler who knows him best + that he's spent his entire professiona#career w him. whenever leon's asked what he thinks of connor the first sentance out his mouth is 'you [the media] know. he knows' and then#he carries on talking about how he's the best player in the world + connor never hesitates to return the sentiment#and between the two of them it's not sentiments they sau it like its fact bc it is#and their whole 'cup or bust' thing every analyst and their mother have taken it as a 'they're going to win in edmonton or not at all' in t#e sense that they want to stay in edmonton n stay together <- like not even in an insane person edmonton polycule type of way in the they'r#the best players in the world and have insane chemistry on the ice and are eachother's best friends type of way#like a reason why their pp is so lethal is bc those two on a line + the other team down yeah ofc thats going to be automatic#and leon saying that their best beats anyone else's best no doubt and connor talking about building the team from the ground up like leon w#s there when they got boo'd off the ice in 2014 he was a part of building the team that's thier damn team and in turn the sheer amount of#respect the rest of the team have for them and they have for the rest of the team and the trust that while they're the best players they#don't have to play for all of them n that's part of thier whole like. our fourth line stands up to any other first line rock solid belief#like and ofc thier on ice hugs and lockerroom hugs and that moment in the sportsnet knee injury doc and how they mention that they're best#friends whenever theyre asked and how their gf's are also best friends and also their damn dogs#NOT TO MENTION. he's my ride or die. im really lucky our paths crossed here in edmonton. as a friend it was really tough to watch that#<- leon's insane 2022 playoff run on a broken ankle#and the way leon's been dubbed the german gretzky and connor's been the next next one since he was 15 and the way they have such a solid#control of the lockerroom together and i dont know if they've ever said conflicting things to the media and how they've said that they push#eachother to be better (connor saying that leon told him to score more)#and their little taps throughout their season and bringing back their team from the dead and leon being the one to make connor laugh in#pressers and on the bench#ALL TO SAY. like i am a mc.matt.drai enjoyer in the threesome/winners room/asg/2997 are actually quite abnormal about eachother and matthew#has never been normal about anything in his life and this might be fun. kinda way#but 2997 are soulbonded in ways quite possibly none of us will ever be able to truly understand#<- also i do mean this genuinely like they're not normal people but both of them are not normal#SORRY FOR RAMBLING. i just wish there was better written fanfiction.#<- wish to be the change you see in the world innit tho#so funny to me how the eh is just canadian innit.
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#unrebloggable because i dont want anybody who sees this to do so without knowing that i fucking hated dj at the time#largely bc the fan content was uh. i don't want to say bad but it was deeply uninteresting. but in the comic on the other hand?#i actually found the resulting conflict interesting and seeing two human characters have to reckon with if being mlm would change how#their friends perceived and treated them was literally the best and most grounded and most validating portrayal of what it was like to be a#queer teenager that i had ever seen. it meant a lot to me#but that wasn't really the same as shipping it#which i very much do now as an adult#teen me would hate myself but its okay me i got older and gayer and came back to this comic with a bunch of mental illnesses you're welcome#i'm not dissing rosmary btw i fucking loved it as a teenager. so much. it just didn't have the same reckoning with the reality of queerness#i was obsessed with rose as a teen. i wish i could go back. now i like her deranged gay dad instead
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Idk if it's me getting older or less fandom brained but I don't really get the 'shipping' impulse for the most part. Like I have to either REALLY believe a romantic angle is being intentionally written (and I tend to go into things with a hard skeptic angle to avoid disappointment LOL), or be really desperate for a femslash option (and even then it has to be at least a little plausible to me).
Like I do get heavily invested in fictional characters' relationships but it's usually more of an 'as-is' thing. I don't really understand the appeal in putting characters together romantically/etc just because you Can.
#Not a judgment thing (though when people only engage with fiction through a medium of 'is it shippable'.. Some judgment yeag)#And I DEFINITELY used to get it and be like that but now I just see so many things and am like Why?#Though there is a middle ground of like 'I don't think this is being intentionally written but I detect a hint of homosexuality' but it's#not really a shipping thing. Like thinking Mike BCS reads a little gay with some quiet affection for Werner that was never going anywhere#I don't want to read Mike x Werner fanfictions or wish that they had a whirlwind romance before the murder I just#think there's a little something there#Of course having said that I'm immediately like 'I wonder if anyone ever wrote Mike x Werner fanfictions' but that is mostly#my Curious And Investigatory Mind
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okay. can someone reassure me that I will have other chances to see the northern lights because I am feeling very end of the world-y right now
#i was so excited that i caught a big storm this time and i drove out to see it#and you can't see them w the naked eye here but you could in night mode#but. my phone doesn't have a night mode.#its supposed to and i googled it for an hour but my phone is old and none of the settings are where they're supposed to be#i followed a guide on how to manipulate the pro mode to be a night mode but i still don't have the settings he was talking about#and sitting on the ground while everyone talks about how cool the lights are when i can't figure it out kind of. broke something in me idk#are strong solar storms as common as they seem to have been this year? if i travel one day very far north a few times will i ever see them#because i feel like i missed both of my fucking chances and this is the only thing on my bucket list#and now im crying on a road in a town i don't know and i don't want to go home bc my mom will laugh at me#i asked her if she would drive out to meet me here and she said no#im trying really hard to be positive about this but ive never ever seen news about solar storms like this until this year#and im really worried i will never see one again bc these were freak events or something#please don't give me tips or ''you should have done x'' because i want to kms rn and that will not help at all
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where on the internet can i ask for advice on how to repair my relationship with the wasps that live outside of my house
#:( i accidentally swatted at one and it stung me#idk if it flew into the side of my head on accident or if the dogs scared it and it went after me?#but i instinctively swatted at whatever ran into me and then was like 'oh shit what if that was a wasp/bee'#and tried to stand completely still so maybe it would leave me alone but no. i felt a sting on my other hand :( ow. it still hurts.#i've seen them occasionally go into a hole in the ground in the back yard.... i dont' want them to start getting aggressive bc of this#i didn't ACTUALLY see what stung me but the ones i see the most are yellow jackets#which the claim that they're aggressive unprovoked is BULLSHIT btw. i had an infestation of them in my room as a kid and never got stung#so yeah this was definitely an accident but i don't want them to see us as a threat :( bc my grandma would not put up with that#*new creative post tag here*
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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playing minecraft is a bit dangerous for me because i鈥檒l tell myself that i鈥檒l play only for 20 minutes and then it鈥檒l be approximately two hours later
#caroline talks#you see my problem is i am not interested in fighting mobs or anything in minecraft#i just like building :) expanding :)#i currently have four bases.#i think i'm going to make another base? but more like an observatory#made out of glass and stuff#and like. i don't like dealing with mobs#so i spent the last 2 days making a bridge that connects base number 1 to base number 2#let's not talk about how much wood and stone i had to gather it was RIDICULOUS#but this bridge is like. several blocks above ground right#so yeah i don't get to deal with mbs#but today i realized that 'oh wait. zombies and skeletons are now HIDING BELOW my bridge bc they can avoid daylight ://'#so now i think i'm going to figure out like. how to build some enclosed well-lit space below the bridge#oh and while we're at it. i think i want to build some kind of mineshaft because base number three is right above a ravine#so i have some water as an elevator to bring me down to the bottom#but i think i want some more bridges and rooms in the ravine itself? so i'm not just mindlessly hopping from stone to stone and hoping i#don't fall and die#i just. I REALLY LIKE BUILDING OKAY
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Lmao I need therapy
#the other day I went to visit Plumas's grave and found a wing of hers on the ground#which means she's been unburied snd possibly eaten by an animal#.#she can't rven rest in peace can she#I walked for 4 fucking hours with the wing cause if I left it on the groubd somebody would eat it#my dad had ro come with me to come bsck home#it was slready dark and we were at the mountain do it was hsrd to go back home until we areived to the city#I also had an hallucination on the way? it's weird I dwe a rock thay had been chiselled to look like a face snd walked to the front of it#bc I wanted to see it better#but turned around and saw that the rock didn't exist it wasn't there snymore ut was so fucking confusing#I don't know if I'm processing stuff late or what but it's hard to even think#things are weird#I want a hug lmao Cisne is with me he's sleeping but him being here is kinda like a hug#fuck this auttumn 馃憤馃崄#vent
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I finished a huge commission and am finally free to draw my Brain Blorbos once more!!! This is Nir, my sad little he/they. They don鈥檛 talk much but will kick anyone鈥檚 ass for their friends. anyone鈥檚.
#short for Dagornir Rax毛a Nimloth. they don't like their full name much because it's so grandiose#Nir is a Way of Long Death monk crossed with a Soulknife rogue#lynxinks#my art#my oc's#dnd oc art#they have a bunch of tattoos all over their body from the time they died and were brought back#(the first time)#anyway he already had some Trauma before that so dying made him come back Wrong as a Shadar-Kai elf#i love my son so much. i really want to play them again#they could do so much damage and go so fast#Oh fun fact! i surrounded them with Osmanthus blossoms bc that's what grew at the monastery where they grew up#y'know before it was razed to the ground by the BBEG and his horde#it's their favorite flower bc it smells like home ;w;#dnd oc
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(I didn鈥檛 know if I liked it better with or without the black so,,, have both)
Japan鈥檚 pokes are all ones that reference Japanese mythology/culture (I used these websites to help with research) From left to right: Samurott - Samurai Whiscash - 艑namazu Ninetales - Ky奴bi no kitsune Shiftry - Tengu Hariyama - Sumo wrestlers Froslass - Yuki onna
#This is what I was working on before my back decided to die on me lmao#I was going to colour it all but given my back situation I just don't want to spend that long in this chair#maybe i'll colour it properly eventually but i doubt it#hetalia#hws#hws japan#poketalia#pokemon#hariyama#froslass#whiscash#ninetales#shiftry#samurott#my favourite thing about this drawing is that everyone looks so serious and then you just see whiscash looking jdbfksdjdkjbf#also im trying out new brushes particularly for lineart but i might also change up what i use for colouring too#bc i dont like how washed out everything looks witht he brush i was using before idk#ALSO in this au if i ever get it off the ground Kiku will be the professor hehehe
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