#bc rn my mental health is in the fucking gutter

[ruthlesslistener]

the absolute struggle of needing an esa animal but not having the time to go to a therapist nor the ability to actually own a rabbit or a cat due to the time commitment required for them despite me being fucking deprived of soft warm squishy thing

[moodymeangirl]

having realisations. the four people who have declared me dangerous/abusive when they've identified emotions in my voice

(including times of feeling love and excitement)

have begun to do so very soon after the first time i disagreed or disobeyed them in the friendship.

Person 1 called the way i was speaking to them unsafe when asked what their mixed signals meant (be lovingly normal in front of friends but mean on text). I was immediately blocked and they act like I don't exist in irl spaces. The message I sent was literally 'hey what's going on with all the mixed signals?'.

Person 2 called me 'fucking awful, arrogant, a monster, a predator, and affronting' the first time we hung out in a group after I'd declined to become her domme. The conversation she instigated to attack me involved asking if I agree with her that our group social worker is attractive, then casting aspersions of predatory sexual behaviour onto to me when I said yes. I am ace.

Person 3 was present with Person 2. I was trapped in back of Person 3 car on the way to visit Person 2's parents home, late at night. Person 2 lied about her words, and Person 3 claimed to have not heard it. Referencing that claim and 2's denials together they interrogated and insulted me, before leaving me sat in the gutter outside 2's home. I found out later they spent the next hour or so abusing me behind my back, watching me cry in the street from an upstairs window. They later both admitted like it was nothing that it was all made up, they did hear, and Person 2 said they were mad at me for different reasons and wanted to lash out. Both 2 and 3 have expressed to me since that they enjoyed it.

Person 4 (bestie of 15yrs) began a year long pattern of silent treatment, threatening to leave friendship, implying im hated by all my friends, saying im becoming my abusive father (i am not and i am a trans woman), demanding care, demanding access to my other friends and supports then excluding me from their social contact with my mates (telling my friends I preferred it this way) and routinely accusing me of speaking in an abusive tone ---- immediately after they realised I would not accept being spoken to cruelly/have my thoughts decided for me, the first time they tried it since moving into my flat. It was at the exact moment I first expressed a clear boundary of respect in 15 years, that I became an abusive, perverse, male dv committing quote 'autistic rapist or school shooter in waiting'. That day I wound up yelling IMNOTBAD and LISTENTOME at them, which was all the proof they needed to engage in a campaign of gaslighting, forced isolation from them and others, having one rule for me and another rule for anybody id introduced them to, manipulating my identity issues and autism in therapy so much so that the therapist joined in on punishing stimming and speaking up for myself with assertions that im lying about my emotions, deliberately triggering my cptsd, only talking to me when they wanted to come stay or when they needed to be helpe thru a crisis: generally choosing the cruellest possible option at every turn. All while I tried hard to be better in therapy, and desperately lapped up any glimmers of affection. any signal they loved like me they used to before they 'realised I was an abuser'.

Rn I am in a situation where they are telling my closest friends they are excited for the future and are actuvely planning international holiday to visit my other best friend, and that in order to heal i shouldnt be invited. The same days literally, they are emailing me saying they're suicidal and that im unsafe and abusive and not to come near them - knowing I have ptsd from being the only person supporting then through a secret mental health crisis before. When I freak out and have serious episode and am basically losing my mind begging their other friends (people they bullied and gaslit me into introducing them to) to give them support bc if I go near them they'll likely die from the trauma of being near me, this friend is actively assuring those alarmed friends that they're perfectly fine and quote 'normal'. I don't disbelieve that they're suicidal btw, I just think they're comfortable torturing my emotions in order to access my loyalty and support. I think they want my friends and queer community for themselves, so they're avoiding revealing their vulnerability thru their own shame and identity stress.

It's also worth noting im out to my friends as having DID and Person 4 also has DID but is not out. Despite their anti-autism, anti-did, and anti-trans bigotry towards me being lateral they are actively weaponising my other friends concern for my mental health and deploying the stigma of a disorder they secretly have against me socially.

And I haven't and won't breach their privacy. I won't ignore their pleas, and I have provided significant support through the last week of their ideation and my being shocked and heartbroken into the realisation that unless my boundaries are suddenly respected, in action not merely words, that the most important relationship of my life so far will be one that I choose to leave (once ik that they're okay in terms of immediate threat to life ofc). And tbh that's if they don't decide they've got my friends locked in and finally fulfil their frequent threat to leave the friendship themselves. which to be quite honest they already do, unless they need me or they can use me to get someone they want.

and ftr I've known Person 4 has alters who are psychopathic for years. Allah knows one of my lovelies in our system is sociopathic herself. but for the majority of a 15 year family level relationship they have never chosen to treat me with disrespect, with cruelty, or with ill intent. we never used to set boundaries with each other bc the moral boundaries each of our systems set internally stopped us from ever harming each other. neither of us would be alive if not for the other. it's not like either of us having cluster bs or tetrad things happening in the complexities of our psyches ever contributed to harm b4, so I won't accept that as an excuse now. I don't deserve any of this cruelty, this harm, or this organised torture and social abandonment. Person 4 railed against Persons 1, 2, 3 during those events and encouraged me to stand my ground at every turn.

I just know now, that the way they're treating me is completely unacceptable. that rebuilding trust after the fact is a very very long journey should they ever be in a mindset to admit their wrongdoings. and that the damage they've done to my other community supports and close friendships may itself require a long period of repair, labour, and effort restitching wounds I didn't make cause or know had occurred. my loved ones now love this person. I've confided on those who offered and found that if I express even the merest trickle of a problem with Person 4s treatment of me that they stop listening. I've been told twice now that people want to ask P4's consent before listening to me speak about my own life.

it doesn't escape me that the first big realisation I had regarding the wrongness of P4s behaviour this year was their blanket refusal without explanation to allow me equal power / footing with them in terms of choosing to hang out, talk, or interact. meanwhile they made me watch from afar as they demonstrated and gave (seemingly) perfect respect and equality to the people who are now refusing to hear my voice note unless they talk to P4 first. like my autonomy has become accepted as non existent to the point where unrelated conversations are being secretly dictated from afar by this person. to the point where, had they not hit me with the intense fear that were going to die/in the same breath as telling me that if I try to help them ill make it happen - I'd still have accepted it.

I feel trapped. I know I need to end this friendship. But I am afraid to lose my closest friends when I do. Even if they don't ditch me, I have already lost their trust. I have already lost my right to self determination in those communities and friendships to another human being entirely. And if they remain friends with P4, if P4 continues to behave like this, I don't think I'll get that back. Not until they're facing the same behaviour themselves.

but. I am having RealisationsTM. In all these cases a majority of other people have been baffled by and have not felt what happened was okay in the slightest. the majority of people ik closely are autistic, trans, and or have DID and nobody else other than a minority of 4 - not even the people manipulated by P4 - take any issue at my autistic speech, emotionality, or desire to set boundaries and be treated as an autonomous equal.

so my conclusion is that this minority of four (out of hundreds in community and 10s in terms of close friends) are people who - for whatever reason - wanted me to accept being harmed disrespected, or controlled by them. and I didn't and I don't, so they *surprise surprise* made their bad behaviour more intense every time I stood up for myself.

no doubt the vulnerabilities of my intersections in society assisted them in this, but in No Way did my intersections or my soul cause this.

I am glad to have been in therapy. I will continue to be in therapy and work on not being someone who yells as a reaction to being abused. I haven't yelled once since that first time w P4 and I never raised my voice with the others. I am a flawed person but I'm not an abusive person. These events are not my doing. I did not deserve to be treated this way. I deserved the love, trust, and care I gave these people - which they abused. I exist. We exist. We are real and our heart will heal from these betrayals. We are loved.

[maraisrat]

fucking hell im the worst like this for a starter

[leftmusing]

so i found out thanks to my two little siblings that school hours in the uk are being increased in an attempt by the government to increase academia and overall higher grades in students. no i don't have a source to link, i'm just saying words rn but. but.

what the fuck do high grades actually do. as somebody who was a drastic overacheiever in school and college, what... what do they do? specifically gcse grades

i sat my gcse exams much later than my peers because i fucked up secondary school bc of my mental health and had to go down a different route. bc of sitting them older than most, i was the first year to have grades based off 1-9.

i got a 9 in my english and i remember crying because i was so proud of myself. it felt like i finally had some hope, and that i could feel better about how much of a failure i thought i was in everything else. because that was the mindset that was drilled into me. don't get high grades in your gcses? then your life is gonna be ruined!

guess what! my life is ruined anyway. regardless of my level 9, regardless of being on the gifted and talented register, regardless of the distinctions i got in college, my life is in the gutter. i dropped out of uni after two weeks and take deep, deep pride in the stupid parts of myself now. i truly, deeply love the fact that i don't know it all and can be a total fucking idiot about a lot of things.

my grades didn't fucking matter. they didn't change anything. they didn't make me more or less worthy of a good life or self love, nor should lower grades.

grades aren't a measure of intelligence. academia isn't a measure of intelligence. it's all pseudointellectual, classist shit that's fed to us, so that the government can control how we feel about ourselves and our future, merely based on a number on some paper after a test.

secondary school doesn't fucking matter. college doesn't fucking matter. degrees don't fucking matter. they don't get you the golden ticket to a shimmering future like you're told they do. education from elsewhere matters. your class, status, background and luck matters. how you treat people and act, what mindsets you carry independently, the way you choose to do things? matters.

fuck grades. fuck being smart. fuck that shit. big up low wage "low skilled" workers, big up the unemployed, big up the disabled, big up those without a posh dialect and immediately get labelled as thick. stop telling kids that their futures are hanging in the balance over a number between 1 and 9 that they get stamped with when they're a child

[tiptapricot]

you've probs answered this before but what's your favourite mk comic run?

Idk if I’ve mentioned it before bc I just sort of yell about it in tags but also bc idk if I have one HSHDHD I haven’t honestly read too much MK to say for sure what the best are so def do nOt come to me for suggestions, but I can talk endlessly about the three I have read which are Ellis, Lemire, and Mackay, so here’s what I love ab each.

The Ellis run I love because I’m obsessed with that version of Mr. Knight, as well as the one shot focus each issue has on different strange and supernatural cases. Shalvey’s art is also fucking fantastic and it has some of the best panel n page layouts I’ve seen to date, as well as utilizing the color white and negative space to blend MK w the surrounding gutters. I read a bit past the issues the original creative team worked on because my dad had a chunk of issues physically that went past that point, and those are good too! But I’m not exactly driven to continue at the moment, though it’s always a treat to see Smallwood MK stuff. My favorite stories were Sniper and the mushroom dreams one I’m forgetting the name of rn, as well as the ghost punks n… actually I have to stop they’re all really good they’re all so fun.

Lemire has already been praised to high heaven because it truly n honestly deserves it. This was the first MK thing I read and while def not the best place to jump in blind if you have like zero background, you still get such a good sense of the world and characters. Again, I’m in love with the art and the creative use of the genre, the way they made the need for different artists work well with and actually enhance the reading experience as tone shifts between each universe each alter is stuck in. Also again… Smallwood’s stuff alone makes my brain yell and scream and bite wood. Also ofc has my buddy my bestie Commander!! I’m still so so upset Marvel hasn’t brought him back bc I think he presents a super interesting added dynamic as well as opening things up for exploration of more distant or disconnected alters, as well as the impacts of isolated inner world lives. Lemire also handles talk of mental health n DID pretty dang well. Not perfectly, but as people have talked about before the ending of accepting where the system stands and that they need each other and that they will be alright working together is just… it’s so good. I love it so much.

And MACKAY god ok… I’ve yelled ab this, I’ve yelled ab this plenty, but this run is so fucking good and I can’t believe we get even more like we get MORE and it’s already so GOOD. It delves into Marc’s self loathing and self destructive tendencies amazingly, as well as focusing back on the strange and supernatural things that make me love comics MK so fucking much. It has some similar vibes here and there to Ellis w the occasional self-contained plots, even if many of them end up tying into the overall story, like the janitor plot, the stained glass scarlet baby god (I never see ppl talking ab this but that issue makes me UNWELL ITS SO GORGEOUS AND COOL), and the house of shadows. It also introduces some super fun new characters and dynamics and once again touches on mental health n DID in a fucking fantastic way that in a metatextual context helps to explore and undo a lot of the ableism and bad writing that’s permeated MK’s run under different writers for so long. I’ll have more to say about this one as it progresses but just… yeah. YEAH.

So… those are my favorites because those are the ones I’ve read. I’ve been keeping up with Black White and Blood as well but those end up being very hit or miss usually, often having one story I love, one that’s meh, n one I straight up hate. I want to read more MK in the future so this list may shift, but I haven’t had the brain to pick up anything solid and new and struggle my way through continuity quite yet. But… yeah… some thoughts :-) I love when comics comic hard.

[jmblyajones]

Eagles: April fools 4x5

1. How ironic is that? lol. All three of the girls have been missing a chunck of school

2. Felicia… why are you being so aggro rn?

Like miss girl… you were just complaining about…

Oh yeaaaah… bc of a hug

If you don’t sit your ass down somewhere my gosh.

You know what’s also ironic. With Felicia being upset at Klara it’s almost like s1 dynamics

3. Ooofff early s1 amie and klara genuine supportive vibes, oh how i’ve missed thee!

4. Elias did not just walk away from Amie like that. oh my goodness bro we are in this baaaaaaad

5. Ok creepy ass ninja turtle

6. ELIAS IS IN THERAPY

Ummm… Felicia i don’t really think people give a damn that you didn’t wear a costume. 🙄

WAIT WAIT WAIT… Felicia knows about Elias and Amie??

You know… I forgot Klara and Elias dated until Amie brought it up 😂

7. AAAAAAHHH Klara’s like “Me and Ludde what??”:

NOT messing around!! GIRL. Felicia…. that’s the worst fucking game of telephone i’ve ever heard. all bcs of A HUG??

8. I’m sorry but if someone was in front of me holding up the line, i would just walk around. I’ll be damned…

9. Lmao Klara with the clapbacks

10. Petra is gonna talk about her and Mats dear God.

Wait… i’m confused about this picture situation

11. I love this Mats and Elias father son moment. I like that Elias acknowledges that Mats now puts is sons health above hockey.

Oh great… now Elias is mad at Amie because she was worried about his mental health oh brother 🙄

12. Andres don’t be poppin in like we don’t have an issue now..

YOURE LYING… YOURE FUCKING LYING IN MY FACE RIGHT NOW.

Y’all are so gutter for that. What makes me mad is that when you look at majority of his scenes, his ass has been coughing up a lung and i’ve been side eyeing that shit from the beginning