#bc its that monumental to me
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I just want new/casual gymnastics viewers to know that while this first black podium in Olympic gymnastics history, it isn't the first all black podium in all of gymnastics history.
The 2023 World Championship featured an all black podium with Simone Biles. Rebeca Andrade and Shilese Jones!
The 2022 USA Championship also had an all black podium <3
#gymnastics#wag#olympics#rebeca andrade#simone biles#jordan chiles#its just kinda been bothering me that people have been saying#first ever in gymnastics history!#bc no!!#still monumental tho#and i hope it continues <3
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Queerplatonic Radioapple 📻 🍎,,, old men (losers) who care abt e/o
The thing about being an angel is that there are always bloodier, messier ways to do things. There’s an easy way, and there’s a fun way, and despite what they would have you believe, angels are much too bored with eternity to choose anything but the fun way anymore.
Lucifer curses whatever twisted being made him and bestowed his powers upon him- God- then backtracks in his own head, still deathly afraid of being heard and punished. Then, once he remembers that no one is listening, haven’t been for centuries, he curses them again.
Charlie is worried about Alastor. He hasn’t been acting himself these past few days. Rarely leaves his tower unless summoned, his smiles have become tight-lipped and straining. Even with the cursory attention Lucifer has paid him- busy with trying to make up for too many years in a hole- it’s not hard to see that Charlie is right, and something is wrong.
All it takes is a quick, plausibly accidental stroll outside of his rooms to tell Lucifer what it is. Charlie hadn’t asked him to snoop, but she’s nervous. Doesn’t want to lose another friend. Lucifer would do anything and everything to Fix It, and in order to get to that point he needs to know what’s wrong. So he snoops.
The pungent reek of demon blood poisoned with holy light permeates the air around Alastor’s rooms. To anyone but Lucifer it probably doesn’t smell too different, Alastor has very obviously put a lot of effort into covering the stench with rancid deer meat, and gamey sinner. Lucifer knows what a holy wound smells like, though, hell he’s not sure why he didn’t recognize it before now. Alastor’s obviously put in work to keep this a secret but it shouldn’t have worked for this long against the literal king of hell. He’s distracted, too comfortable, needs to sharpen the hell up if he has any plans of actually protecting his daughter and her passion project in any meaningful way.
Once he knows what is wrong, it’s not difficult to devise a fix. What is difficult, is coming to terms with what that will entail.
The way he sees it, there are three ways out of this situation. One, he tells Alastor he knows that he’s still hurt and offers to heal the wound through touch, which will take approximately an hour after which they never have to speak again. That one’s mostly a bust simply because Lucifer reckons Alastor won’t let him get past the first part without mauling him.
Two, he lets Alastor die of being a stubborn, pissy bastard. This one’s not really an option considering the whole reason he’s going through all of this trouble is so that Charlie will stop worrying. Killing him won’t stop the worrying, no matter how much he wishes it would.
Finally, unfortunately the only feasible plan, is to siphon the poison from the wound over time. Slowly imbuing Alastor’s soul with his own, tainted holy energy in order to heal the wound over time. If he does it right, Alastor won’t even know he was healed. The unfortunate part about this plan is that it doesn’t rid the wound from existence like a touch would, it simply transfers it from one soul to another. Lucifer will be taking the wound onto himself, where he can work on healing it naturally, as his body is not poisoned by the purity of angelic wounds. It will hurt, but it will heal. If the wound is left on Alastor, it will never heal.
Begrudging, but still determined to be as useful as possible to Charlie before he inevitably fucks everything up again, Lucifer resolves to go through with plan number three. It takes a week. Seven days of gradually increasing pain, of magicking golden stains from his coat, then being winded from using magic, of sewing himself together each night only to wake up in a pool of his own blood because the wound had grown larger while he slept.
It takes seven days, but at the end of it, Alastor is as chipper as ever, and the crease between Charlie’s brows has smoothed into something joyful. The wound now spans the length of Lucifer’s chest, wrapping around his torso near his ribs and up to his rightmost shoulder blade. Honestly, he’s not sure how Alastor survived so long like this and feels a grudging respect at the man for having pushed through.
The wound throbs, and every so often it will twinge, as if Lucifer were being cut in half- scored and carved all over again- but when he walks downstairs on the morning of the eighth day and finds Alastor cooking, Charlie seated, legs kicking happily at the island… He knows it’s worth it. Any amount of pain would be worth the sheer relief on Charlie’s face as she tracks Alastor’s every move, still looking for any irregularities. Something like pride swells within Lucifer at the knowledge that she will find none. He did that. He brought her that solace. No one will ever know, but that wasn’t the point of it.
“Good morning your majesty!” Alastor crows from the stove, he doesn’t turn to greet him. For a moment Lucifer wonders how he had known he was there, but a pair of eyes glinting in the shadows of the hallway tells him all he needs to know about that. Charlie perks and glances over at him as he’s addressed.
“Good morning, Alastor! You seem awful chipper today, feeling better?” No one will know he helped Alastor, yes, but that doesn’t mean he cant have fun with this. Just the look on his face right now- a smile, frozen, as his brows draw inward in incredulity- is worth the twinge that talking elicits.
Alastor, always the performer, recovers easily. “I’ve no idea what you mean! I have not been sick in decades, your majesty.”
Lucifer only chuckles, hiding his wince by taking a seat next to Charlie at the island. God why does it hurt so much? Why can’t he focus on anything else? Michael had torn off his fucking wings and stabbed him through the heart with blessed steel when he cast him down to hell and he can’t handle a little holy light from Adam? Eternity has made him soft. It’s fucking pathetic.
“Apologies, I didn’t mean to presume. You had Charlie worried!” He grits, trying to keep his voice even and chipper. Charlie smacks him on the arm and he has to fight off a groan. Fucking. Worthless.
“Dad! I wasn’t- I just- UGH.” She stutters, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I still can’t believe we sent you to deal with Adam alone. That never should’ve happened, Al, I’m so so so so sorr-“
Alastor cuts her off with a grin, sliding a steaming plate of eggs, bacon and toast in front of her. “No need, my dear! As you can see I’m right as rain and in one piece.” His eyes slide over to Lucifer for a moment and he hums.
“Would you like some breakfast, your majesty?” He asks, turning back to the stove. Lucifer shakes his head, then regrets it when it makes him dizzy.
“I’m alright, thank you. Had a big dinner.” He manages. Alastor hums again, and Lucifer isn’t sure whether that means he believes him or not.
Charlie finishes her meal in quiet, comfortable conversation with Alastor, some of the other hotel residents who stop in for a bite and, occasionally, Lucifer when he manages to push down the nausea enough to speak without fear of barfing all over her nice pantsuit.
She leaves with little fanfare, but she does pull Lucifer into a side hug that, while agonizing, he will cherish forever. The rest of the ‘reformees’ make their way through the kitchen for the next thirty minutes until Charlie calls everyone to the atrium for some bonding exercises. Alastor does not make any move to leave the kitchen at the announcement, so Lucifer doesn’t, either. He’s also unsure of his ability to not pass out if he stands right now.
It’s so warm in the kitchen, Alastor had the ovens on for cinnamon rolls and it smells heavenly. If Lucifer closes his eyes, he can almost imagine that Lilith is still here, that he hasn’t fucked it all up with Charlie yet. He dozes on the thick marble of the island, chest still twinging, but strangely at peace.
It’s another five minutes of warm silence before the clink of a plate beside his elbow rouses him. A warmth settles to his right.
Blinking his eyes open, Lucifer catches sight of Alastor looking at him. Through him, might be a better description of the action; his eyes rove, calculating over the planes of Lucifer’s face. Alastor isn’t frowning- he never frowns- but there’s a crease between his eyebrows. Maybe those are like wounds, too, they don’t heal they just transfer to another person. Maybe Charlie’s just transferred to him, like his wound had transferred to Lucifer.
Lucifer snorts to himself at his own little joke. The crease deepens.
“You were not at supper last night.” Alastor prompts, finally. Lucifer isn’t quite sure how that’s relevant right now.
“Yeah, and neither were you.” Check and mate. A bit of radio static pierces through the air at his quip. Lucifer smiles to himself, sitting up.
With the knowledge that he’s under scrutiny, he puts more work into affecting his usual trite joviality. Alastor simply raises a brow as he hands him a fork and gestures to the full plate in front of him. Lucifer is shocked still for a moment. Alastor made this food. He made it, and he’s giving some to Lucifer? Of his own volition? Lucifer takes a moment to rack his brain for any side effects of the siphoning that might make him act like this but the only possible explanation is the sheer adrenaline of relief, knowing you’re not dying anymore.
“You made this for me?” Lucifer asks, voice small. He can’t remember the last time someone cooked for him. Hell, he can’t remember the last time he ate anything. He doesn’t need to, not really, but it’s nice when there’s love in it. When someone takes the time to care about him in this way. Lucifer’s never found himself all too worth cooking for, and that’s most of the reason why he didn’t, in all those years spent alone since Charlie and Lilith leaving.
Alastor rolls his eyes.
“Obviously. It would be rude not to indulge, you know. So get to it!” His voice is filled with static, it takes a moment for Lucifer to parse his words. He takes the proffered fork and takes a small bite of the scrambled eggs. Father Almighty. They’re perfectly fluffy, well seasoned and just the right temperature! Lucifer can’t help the pleased sound that escapes him at the taste. He glances up at Alastor to find that his grin has turned smug. Whatever. Lucifer’s not going to lie to him.
“This is really good. Thanks.”
It’s quiet for a moment. Lucifer takes another bite before asking, “Do you want some? I know you haven’t been eating, either, and you probably need it more than me.”
Alastor’s eyes narrow and Lucifer gets the creeping feeling he’s let something slip.
“This is the second time you’ve referenced an invented affliction of mine. I would appreciate if you refrained from now on.” Alastor hisses, the air around the two of them practically sizzles with electricity.
‘Imagined’ hah! He wishes. Lucifer raises an eyebrow, he makes it too easy.
“You’re awful defensive for someone who supposedly didn’t have an affliction.” He drawls. Alastor’s eyes flicker green as he stands, abruptly.
“Put your dish in the washer when you’re done. I will see you another time.” He grits, stalking out of the room. It’s not until he leaves that Lucifer notices that he’d cleaned everything up. The sink is empty and the stove is spick and span. The only dish left is Lucifer’s plate and fork; he’d saved him a portion.
Lucifer does as told and hobbles up to his rooms with a smile on his face and a full stomach. Maybe this whole siphoning thing wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
***
This siphoning thing was such a fucking bad idea. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Lucifer curses to himself as he hobbles to the bathroom situated on the skywalk between his and Alastor’s rooms. His stitches had popped in the middle of one of his unfortunately timed yearly nightmares about falling. So, on top of the popped stitches, he’d scratched his arms bloody, too. Usually when he gets like this he doesn’t bother leaving his room, the cuts will heal themselves as soon as he gets to his door, anyway. But with the extra energy his body is expending on healing the Adam Wound, they just keep bleeding, sluggishly.
It’s been a couple days and the wound has been looking better, but it’s slow going. Lucifer shudders to think what would’ve happened to Alastor if he’d kept trying to live with it. Speaking of Alastor, the bastard’s been making him breakfast every day now; and if Lucifer doesn’t make it down during the hour he spends cooking, he sets aside a portion and puts it in the fridge.
Lucifer doesn’t know if this is his way of being nice, or if he’s luring him in to try and poison him one of these days. Either way, it’s always nice to be cooked for. Poison wouldn’t work on him, anyways.
There’s a pit in his stomach, growling and gnawing for something warm to satiate it- something Alastor-made- as Lucifer bleeds ichor onto the carpet. He pushes the feeling, and the resulting shame, down deep within himself. How low can he get, really? Fuck. Pining for kind gestures from a man who ostensibly wants to kill him? How far can he fucking fall.
The door to the restroom is open when he gets there, which Lucifer is all too thankful for. He pushes, with some effort, into the darkness.
A part of him considers turning on the light, but he has no issues seeing in the dark, and it seems like a lot of work to go through for no reason. With a groan, he bends down to grab the medkit from below the sink, then sits himself on the closed toilet.
With shuddering breaths, he snaps his shaking fingers, doubling over as his night shirt dissipates. “God- fuck!” He sucks a breath through his teeth.
Lucifer stays folded over for a moment, taking the time to breathe once, twice, before unfurling into a now familiar agony.
He grabs a hand towel and shoves it between his teeth to muffle any unwitting noises he might make- he’d found out the hard way that he’s a screamer a long time ago- and threads the suture needle with dental floss. He ran out of actual suture thread yesterday and, not wanting to alarm Charlie or let anything slip, hadn’t asked where he could find more. Dental floss has worked before, and it’ll work now. It just won’t be as pretty as it usually is.
Lucifer has just begun stitching himself up- letting little whines and whimpers into the hand towel tightly clenched between his teeth with each tug of the floss- when the door to the bathroom bursts open and a humming Alastor strides through the threshold. He flicks on the light- though Lucifer’s unsure why, as he doesn’t need it to see, either- and immediately makes eye contact with Lucifer. Then the hand towel clamped in his teeth. Then the giant bleeding wound on his chest. Then the eight golden scores in his arms.
His eyes widen a fraction, then narrow into a glare.
He strides up to Lucifer and grabs at his jaw, but the hold is surprisingly gentle. Alastor runs a finger along the area until it loosens enough for him to wrestle the towel from his lips.
Lucifer’s not sure if he should feel threatened or not. It’s not like Alastor can do anything to him. Not anything he hasn’t felt before, at least.
Why is the steel in his eyes so terrifying, then, though?
“Explain.”
Alastor says the word quietly, but somehow his voice seems to echo in the room. Lucifer sits tall, unwilling to be made ashamed of what he’s done. What he’s tried to do, to help.
“You never would have let me close enough to heal you through touch. You know that. And Charlie would have been devastated if you died because you were too much of an uptight prick to let other people care about you. This was the only way. I’ll heal. You wouldn’t.”
Lucifer’s voice is raspy, a little hoarse from the agony of the night. He has to clear his throat a few times during the monologue. Alastor stares at him through the entire thing, eyes burning against the side of his face. It’s silent for a while and Lucifer is acutely aware of the fact that he’s still bleeding.
“Now if you don’t mind, I have sutures to-” Alastor cuts him off with a vague scratch of radio static, “Give me the needle.”
Lucifer hesitates, so he repeats himself, enunciating each word.
“Give. Me. The. Needle.”
Lucifer does. He’s nervous for a moment- god knows why- but it’s like he’s been telling himself: Alastor physically can’t do anything to him that hasn’t already been done. He’ll be fine. Alastor pulls a stool from thin air and settles himself next to Lucifer.
He expects a sharp, focused pain. Tiny cruel little stabs done in excess to teach him a lesson about doing Alastor ‘favors’. But Alastor’s hands are warm and gentle against the golden shreds of his midsection. Each suture is measured and careful, he moves slowly through the motions and keeps a steadying hand against Lucifer’s side as he works. He does not look at him, though, entirely focused on the task at hand.
The gentleness is off-putting, and it makes something flighty bang around in Lucifer’s chest. He suddenly feels the urgent need to apologize.
“I’m sorry, Alastor. I should’ve asked but I was afraid it would take too long. I’m surprised you’re still alive now given the state the wound was in when I first transferred it.” Lucifer chuckles. Alastor does not join him. He babbles on.
“I don’t regret it, though. And I’d do it again if I needed to. I mean have you seen Charlie lately? She’s got the pep back in her step! And you, you’re up and cooking again. Everyone’s so happy you’re back in the apron.”
Alastor hums, finishing up the sutures on his chest and immediately moving to the deepest gashes on his arms. Lucifer is just about to protest- really, those ones will heal soon enough, they don’t need anything- when Alastor speaks.
“What about you?”
Lucifer cocks his head. Huh?
“What about me?” He asks.
Alastor chuckles, pressing some antiseptic into a different hand towel than the one Lucifer had been biting on and passing it over the- now sewn- cuts on his forearm. The sting barely registers. It’s so needless. It’s so wasteful.
“You speak of all of these benefits but I fail to see how any of them pertain to you. Aside from your obvious need for your daughter’s approval, of course.” He says.
That stings a little, which is strange because none of it is untrue. Of course he wants Charlie’s approval; it’s the fucking least he could do after everything he’s made her face alone.
Lucifer shrugs, pushing Alastor’s hands away when they try to tend to his other arm.
“What’s it matter? I don’t need the benefits to ‘pertain to me’, I don’t do anything for these people,” he spreads his arms around to emphasize his point, “not like you or Charlie do. Besides, I’ve been selfish enough already, don’t you think?” The gesture he makes this time is similar to before, but he points through the restroom door to the window that lines the skywalk. Moreso conveying the idea ‘see what my selfishness has already culminated into? Eternal damnation for millions of souls’. Alastor raises an eyebrow.
“And what would your daughter think of this… philosophy of yours?” His voice is low, and he reaches out to grab Lucifer’s arm back into his own grip. Still gentle, but firmer than before. Lucifer doesn’t fight him on it and his eyes light up at the success. That’s… oddly endearing for a murderer-cannibal.
Lucifer shrugs once more. He doesn’t really see the point Alastor is trying to make, he’s thought this through. He knows what he’s doing.
“Doesn’t really matter, does it? She’s never going to know and we’re going to keep it that way. She’s got a bleeding heart, probably got it from her old man,” Lucifer chuckles self-depreciatingly, “it wouldn’t do her any good.”
Alastor finishes with the last bandage- more unnecessary, needless waste on wounds that will heal tomorrow- and runs the antiseptic towel under warm water before wiping Lucifer clean of his own blood. His touch is just as light as it was before, it’s driving Lucifer insane. Why won’t he just hurt him already. He knows he’s itching for it.
“You are not what I thought you would be.” Alastor says, finally, tossing the towel into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. His eyes raise, finally, to meet Lucifer’s own shocked gaze. He can’t muster up a response; what is he supposed to say to that? Is it a good thing? Probably not. A bad thing? Well, then he doesn’t need more fuel for his ‘bad thoughts’ journal.
Thankfully, Alastor continues, “Next time, simply come talk to me. I don’t want this to happen again.” He stands, brushing imaginary dust off of his overcoat- which, now that Lucifer is paying attention, why is he still in his overcoat at three in the morning?
Lucifer snaps his fingers- now embarrassed by his own state of undress and reinvigorated by the tender touches- and rematerializes his nightshirt. Alastor levels him with a disapproving glare when he reels from the exertion.
“Now why did you go and do that? I could have gotten you a shirt, and then you wouldn’t be dizzy. Pity you’re so stubborn.” He comments, with just the slightest tinge of frustration. It thrills something in Lucifer to be able to get that reaction out of him, even in this diminished state.
“Yeah. Pity. Look, I’m not going to promise you this won’t happen again. I’m going to do what’s best for Charlie and this hotel, always.” Lucifer’s voice breaks a little at the latter end of the sentence, he can’t bring himself to meet Alastor’s eyes.
There’s silence for a moment, then a clawed finger flicks delicately at his chin, tilting his head up. Alastor sighs when he keeps his gaze low.
“Stubborn. I am not asking you not to do it- you were right, I probably wouldn’t have gone for the touch healing- I am asking you to do me the courtesy of checking first, before you act. Is that clear?”
Lucifer mulls over the words for a moment, considering his options. All in all it’s not a bad deal, and if this experience has taught him anything it’s that it’s nice to have someone in your corner, willing to help if you let them in. Charlie is in his corner, but she’s also his daughter, and it will never be her job to help him with anything for as long as he is alive. Alastor’s offering.
Lucifer nods, hesitantly.
“I can do that. Thanks.”
Alastor shakes his head before turning towards the door.
“Put some of the green tube on your chest wound every night before bed. If your arms don’t heal by tomorrow, add some there too. Don’t exert yourself. I’ll know if you pop your stitches again.”
And with that laundry list of care, he disappears into the night. Lucifer looks at the stitching on his chest, wondering if he was being serious, or if he was just bluffing about knowing.
Three cross stitches glow a neon green right next to each other in the middle of his chest “X X X”.
Ah, so that’s how. Sneaky bastard.
Still, though, Lucifer smiles all the way back to his room, and if he notices a shadow tailing him on his way there, he doesn’t say anything about it.
#radioapple#queerplatonic#old men#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin hotel#alastor#alastor hazbin hotel#lucifer magne#lucifer morningstar#theyre so odd and weird about affection#oh u didnt maul me and u made me food?#what do u like me or smth?#something something giving a monumental sacrifice and acting like its nothing bc if you dont you have to grapple w the fact that you care#anyways#brublurbs#enjoy idk how long this is but it took four hrs to write !
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if anyone still needs a push to read the All for the Game Series, imagine: a sports drama, sprinkle in some gay romance subplot, but make it mafia, but also make it what if mafia kids kinda (not rly) got therapy, but keep a bit of murder in to make it more fun. And make it y2k / 2010s
#Like it’s very gay but it’s still got its issues#I don’t wanna say anything more bc I don’t wanna spoil things#And it’s SO amazing#My heart belongs to neil josten#I wanna be his friend#Like these books changed my brain chemisre#And it got me through these sometimes monumental changes sometimes less#All for the game#the foxhole court#the sunshine court#the king’s men#the raven king#Neil josten
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rewatched arrival for the hundredth time. this movie never fails to gut punch me with its approach to determinism. louise embracing her future that she knows every moment of, despite the tremendous loss and pain it contains, with open arms. she doesn't hesitate, or ruminate on how she can try and change it. she accepts it all, the good and the bad, because what she gains is worth it, so many times over for her. she steels herself against a certain future and runs forward to meet it all, to love, learn, and lose, and trusts and leans on herself to live through it all. because that's what life is; it's the joy and the suffering. to try and isolate the joy alone is madness, futility in its purest definition.
comparing her line of thinking to a palindrome (how she named her daughter, hannah), the movie kept emphasizing, "it's the same backwards as it is forwards." it doesn't matter if you can see the end; life is the same whether you live it "forwards" (without knowledge of the future) or "backwards" (with foresight). it doesn't change the significance of your life experiences; to try and avoid certain future pain just because you have the knowledge of it is a zero sum game. you think you win because you avoided pain, but you also avoided the joy that preceded it. the metamorphosis. so you still lose if you try to win, and vice-versa.
all you can do is rush forward and take it all head-on. see this whole beautiful mess as your one most precious gift; this one life, this one chance, a laughably miniature blip on the colossus that is linear time, to experience all there is to feel before you return back to an eternity without perception. it's all worth it, because only in living a full-fledged life open to everything it has to offer does the experience of living turn out to be greater than the sum of its parts; it's in trying to beat the system (avoid pain) that we actually lose.
"if you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?"
"maybe i'd say what i feel more often. i...i don't know."
#arrival 2016#pleaaaaase this movie has a chokehold on me#the perfect sci-fi imo is one that blends the scientific and the emotional realms seamlessly and wow does this do that#this particular movie speaks so personally to me#because i lived so much of my life in stagnation trying to avoid pain i could see on the horizon#a couple of years ago when beginning my last relationship i could see the end as early as 3 months in#you know when you just realize early on there are cracks in the relationship foundation that are not repairable and will only get stressed#the more you build on top of it? yeah#it terrified me like you couldn't believe and i spent so much time in denial and fighting against it#fighting against this future i was intuitively certain would materialize#i watched this movie around that time and decided to just go for it#to not let my intuition rob me of joy in the present#as someone who lived so prudently and always tried to make the “right” choice this was monumental for me and so out of character#for a while i wished i'd just listened to my instincts about how this person would ultimately hurt me so i could avoid the suffering#because i really did have foresight everything i was scared would happen did happen almost to the letter#and i wondered does that make me stupid?#that i marched forward anyway? i didn't have the degree of certainty louise did so i thought i could change things#if i loved hard enough if i was patient enough if i did what i knew in my heart to be the right thing#but it changed nothing#but no i wasn't stupid and i would do it again#because it was still a beautiful experience at its best and it taught me valuable lessons at its worst#i have undoubtedly changed as a person i will never be the same again and THAT is living#not rotting away in an unchanging state. unchanged by joy or mundanity or by adversity. that is not living#undoubtedly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i never rly agreed with that until i saw this movie#personal#favourite movies#scifi#movies#this applies to everything not just love. take that chance! do the thing that scares you. bc that's the only way to really live#regardless out of the outcome
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one major difference i have found between service industry work (in my case food service but this is widely applicable to similar jobs) and other public-facing positions is that the job itself is often very similar because people is the same, it's just in service everyone approaches you already thinking they're right and you're a fucking idiot and its their god given right to disrespect you, where in other positions even if they are not nice to you they usually acknowledge that you know more than them on issues pertaining to your job. like the difference in behaviour from people who see you as serving them vs helping them is unreal. i am doing literally the exact same things. customer is always right mentality did irreparable damage to the fabric of society
#good idea generator#i loveee the library front desk everyone is polite and people will just ask you anything#they assume so much knowledge and access to data#ill be like 'just one moment let me look that up in the system' [googles name of school + upcoming events]#also not in a mean way but i never realized until i worked here how little anybody is googling anything#i think its funny and i also love to google things for people so i am perfectly suited to this#and some questions even though they are googleable the issue is more that the person isnt totally sure what theyre asking#but like. the library hours are visible on the home page. and outside the building that you just walked into on a sign#PPL DO NOT READ SIGNS. i knew that from other jobs but good lord people do NOT even GLANCE at signs#ppl would fully walk past like 4 signs about a specific thing and proceed to ask me a q about the thing. after waiting in a line#constantly CONSTANTLY ppl are trying to enter or exit through locked doors. clambering over closed signs to do so#its someones job when the library closes specifically to point out the signs and direct ppl to an open exit#and still often people will get up to the automatic doors and be baffled and confused as to why they dont open#but like even this i dealt w/this at my food service job and it was so frustrating#bc when you had to confront these people they would get MAD AT YOU. furious that they didnt read a sign telling them where to line up#but at the library people are polite and apologetic so you know it's not malice or entitlement ppl are just kind of inattentive#monumental difference tbh i actually love front counter so much people are so fun#and i like it when nobody is actively trying to kill me with their mind while we speak
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Gentle reminder that growth is not linear.
#lost an earring and sat on the floor saying aot of horrible things to myself#(boo! my internal dialogs been so good lately! i havent called myself a piece of shit in like. months now! :( sad setback)#but once i calmed down i found the earring. more importantly i looked at the mirror and gave her a good scolding#'hey. that was not ok. would you EVER look another human being in the eye and say those things to them for this? no. so why on earth did you#think it was ok to say that to yourself? do better next time; please'#(yay! oh my god hUGE! THAT IS HUGE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! YOU STOOD UP TO YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN BEHALF THAT IS MONUMENTAL)#anyway im mostly typing this out bc its late and i want to be sure i tell my therapist abt it tomorrow morning
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hi. i am not dead. i just forgot my weekend hiatus was over this time bc everyone else has a long weekend in my family thanks to todayborday
anyway THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO STOPPED BY THE STREAM YESTERDAY, i managed to finish up the piece after another hour or so of work <3 here's a sneak peek of best gal annie (id in alt text)
#braindumps.txt#art in progress#<- not. technically? but yknow its for the tagging system#anyway. her lighting is by far the best out of everyone so far and is making me want to go back and fix up everyone else's lighting#(not as monumental of a task as it might seem bc my process is quite easy for me at this point)#but yes!!! enjoy <3
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The Secret to Life is a spiritual experience you need to listen to it in order. it sounds like it was MADE for live fun concerts oh my god
i can't pick a favourite but The Secret to Life, High in Brighton, I Just Died, Strawberry Jam, and Close One are so good.
#its so kaleido coded#on repeat right now hhhhhh#mine#FIZZ#orla gartland#dodie#martin luke brown#greta isaac#<3333#the secret to life#high in brighton#october 27#watch me tag all my unhinged posts that bc oct 27 is a monumental day now
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i think i should kill myself not necessarily as a desire to be dead but because i think life is incredibly boring and even moments of genuine joy dont particularly make living 70+ years of basically Nothing and Chores worthwhile. i want to see if theres another universe ill go to. and if theres not then at least i dont have to do laundry and to work anymore
#i got over being violently suicidal bc i hated myself but im still suicidal just in a different way#all happiness in life is 'despite' something or a 'but'#idk. 'i spent an amazing day with all my friends and it felt like life was worth living!' yes but thats IN SPITE OF everything else being#pointless. like the reason it feels so good is because its finally not boring and awful for five minutes not necessarily that its the#greatest joy a human being can experience#i dont particularly think anything we can experience on earth or in a human body is very interesting. its only interesting in comparison to#everyday life. we arent psychic or having ecstatic visions or discovering new worlds and colors or anything particularly monumental#i want to die so i can have the potential to shift to another planet or reality#i want to join a cult NOT bc i think theyre not insanely abusive and corrupt and evil or could be good but because i need#to be made delusional or something. like i need my brain twisted into a new shape. not into a healthy shape or anything or to be 'fixed'#i need to be fully crazy or in a coma or a permanent drug induced episode or something. or be dead#those are the options. im simply so bored of being alive no matter if life goes good or bad im just not interested#its like a tv show i dont particularly like. im not saying its bad its just not for me. id like to change the channel
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idk how to word this well but i feel like a lot of media critique is read as too personal to the author? obviously the intentions of the creator is important and the circumstances they made the thing in is important to discuss but i feel like that should be like. context. an explanation of why the story is like that but not a way to shut down further discussion.
like for example a lot of critique of tv shows is rebutted with "well the network cancelled it/forced it to keep going beyond its natural end/threw in a bunch of stuff to fuck up the creator's vision so it's not the writer's fault." and like. who was blaming the writers? yes maybe the network fucking with the creative team made the show turn out bad but that doesn't mean the show isn't still bad! it's just that now there's a conversation about network interference and how that affects the final product.
and i think outside factors that affect the story should be discussed!! i think networks are often unfair to its creatives hence why they're striking now. i think censorship is often limiting and prevents writers from telling the stories they want and (tumblr focuses more on this) having good representation. i think the identities of the creators and their beliefs and abilities have massive implications on a story and i think all of it should be discussed as the context the story was made in. i just don't think we should stop the discussion there. we still need to talk about what did and didn't work in the story itself.
when i say "the plot/rep/format of the story had X problem because it affected the story/audience interpretation of the story in X way" and someone says "well the writer's boss forced them to make the plot/rep/format like that," i think it's important to know as a part of media critique. but if they refuse to discuss my initial statement and just ends the discussion there because the problem wasn't caused by the writer, i don't find that interesting or useful to think about.
the only purpose of saying this and only this is to tell me that no, the creative team isn't at fault for this specific thing. i shouldn't get mad at these people that i will likely never meet whose only relationship i have with them is consuming their work. and like. you shouldn't harass people for writing bad stories regardless but if you need to be told that specific creators aren't to blame for a thing you disliked to stop you from doxxing them then that's one purpose of that.
but for that to be the only discussion point is ignoring the actual story. forgive me for assuming but i feel like most people would want to talk about the actual media when they do critique, not the personal/political drama involved in making the media. this is an online discussion about something published by strangers, not a writing workshop with your friends.
and i think talking about the problems that arise in a story because of outside influences can bring more awareness to those influences! if you say "the publisher told them to not make those two gay" and refuse to elaborate people just think "oh :( well i bet a hypothetical book where those two were gay would have been cool :)" if you say "these two have character arcs that would make more sense in X ways if they were gay but because the publisher told them not to make them gay it falls flat in X ways" people would think "holy shit! the publisher's prioritizing their homophobia over telling a good story! i hope next time they have a book like that they'll just let them be gay!"
pointing out exactly how outside influences hurt a story will show audiences not only how these factors fucked over the creatives career-wise, but also their own enjoyment of the story. most people won't affect the way creative teams of media they like are managed, but in the rare instance that they do, "it makes the story worse and therefore less profitable" is a better talking point than just "don't interfere with the writers because it'll make the writers sad."
basically if i point out a problem with a story and you reply "this problem was caused by X external factor," the next sentence should be "and here's how and why X external factor affected the story in these ways." it's shouldn't be "and you shouldn't blame the writers for it because it was someone else's fault." pointing out that capitalism and bigotry exists should not be the end of the conversation. you need to say something its effects on the story in tangible ways. otherwise the conversation has no value.
and i want to reiterate that i know a lot of limitations studios and publishers place on creators are frustrating to the creators themselves. it must feel horrible to see people be dissatisfied with your work, especially if some of the things they critique wasn't your fault. i cannot stress enough how much i dont think less of a creative team's skill unless i know for a fact that they chose to make something bad without any outside influences, which is incredibly rare. if i criticize something, i am not placing blame on anyone unless i outright say "i blame the writer/studio/publisher for this."
when i talk about my thoughts on a story, it's entirely for me. i'm not holding out hope that hollywood executives will see my opinions and tailor-make something for me so i'll stop complaining. i talk about and criticize media i like because it's fun. it's how i engage with media. i don't know the creators of 99% of the things i enjoy, and they will almost definitely never know me. while it's interesting to learn about the production process of a piece of media, even if i don't know who's "responsible" for a part of a story i don't like, i won't get angry at the creators for that. i don't connect the value of the writer to the value of the story in that way.
#shut up pandora#this is very long and very pretentious#media criticism#i guess#i guess its me criticizing how other people do media criticism#obviously do it in good faith#korra and asami couldnt smooch until the comics bc nickelodeon was homophobic#but the korrasami handhold was still monumental and should be applauded as such#but it wasnt able to have the full effect of the romantic happy ending bc of how subtle they had to make it. due to the homophobia#amphibias season 3a was slammed for not touching on the ramifications of all the traumatic stuff that happened in true colors#and this is because disney was such a prude that they wouldnt allow any deep exploration that mentions the girls getting hurt#but also because the writers massively overestimated how much they could get away with in a tv show of that rating#chalking things up to 'well it wasnt the writers fault so lets just take this subpar thing as it is and dont think about it too hard'#is never productive
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Mental illness
#my post#the fact that ocd is on there…. embarrassing#wanted to see if there were any resources or memes LMAO#i wanted to see scary monster art but its all shipping stuff or art of the people like i want to see some GHOULS#monument mythos speaks for itself. as does byclair.#monument mythos might be the only analog horror esque media i can consume bc its not so much horror as it is intrigue#to me at least#but goddamn its so long and i have a short attention span for media i simply have to watch#i need to be on my phone too but then i miss things bc its QUIET#this summer ill give it a shot bc it seems so fun
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ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS JUST CALLED ME HIS BROTHER. BRB GONNA CRY MY EYES OUT RQ /POS
#ive neeeever been referred to as a brother. agh.#this is monumental#'my brother aka one of my closest friends whos literally come with me to family gatherings and is part of my family bc hes been in my life-#-for 7 years and is at my house at least once a week' SKJHGSKJHGLKSJHGLKJSH CRYING SO HARD ATM#first time anyones ever referred to me as a brother. its always daughter from family and sibling from everyone else. never brother.#is this as big of a moment as im making it seem. probably not. is this gonna stick with me for a long time. absolutely.
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#but the sad thing is#i am not funny or interesting or intelligent or kind enough for my family to truly love me#i have spent 3 decades being told that if i just changed monumental parts of myself id be easier#to love to care about to like to deal with ect#honestly idk if in truly aro or if im too scared to even try bc ive been told its basically impossible to love me at a close distance#but my family asks and asks and asks for me to give to them#to forgive and contort myself and change so i can make their lives easier#im tired of being a punching bag#im tited of my brother telling me im the root of all his problems and how its my job to be his political and social compass#*tired
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gonna be 24 on the 24th… in the year of the dragon…. which i was also born in a year if the dragon… made 4 me
#i only dont list my specific age on my profile bc i dont wanna update it every year LOL#but anyway. i dont have any plans for it atm but. well. i hope its good to me#bloom doom#if anything its a monument to having survived another year 🎉
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the ghost of my christmas past is me sitting down in front of my laptop for over 10 hours to write a 5k+ wc companion fic to my friend's own oc-centric fic after not writing anything more than 1k words for over a year
#miyo.chatting#in case youre wondering#its about our ocs in twisted wonderland#i was putting in WORK#felt like i was working a 9-5 with a deadline#i know 10 hours for only 5k-ish words is crazy bc i know ppl who can do that in less than 3#BUT THIS WAS MONUMENTAL FOR ME!!!#i might post it on my twst blog and ao3 hehe#anyways#happy new year's eve!!#wishing you all years of good luck good fortune and good health ahead <33
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so busy lately i barely listen to music compared to how much i used to which is sad on its own but ultimately it means i mostly only listen to my music library on shuffle and so no data outliers emerge on my last.fm: except, for the music i listen to to fall asleep at night, because of my mental health induced sleeping problems over the past year, im now the type of person who cant fall asleep to total silence like i used to, and i need to listen to music, but even then i can only listen to a specific type of music. and so my top artists for months now have just been these fucking soft electro lofi esque shit
BUT SOMEHOW TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS STANDS OUT ON TOP ANYWAY !!!!
#i wasnt even gonna make this post about electric dreams i was just trying to complain about how tycho and monument valley ost artists#are dominating my last.fm stats for so long now#but the fact together in electric dreams stands at number one is like. i cant ignore that to make this post. like its so glaringly out#of place LMAO#brot posts#music#anyway back on the main point of me making this post#augh. tycho is somehow up to my top 13th artist on last.fm already#all bc i listen to their fucking music to sleep at night#terrible .
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